[REVISIT] oops i have a crush, advice session
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Listen, I know what you're thinking. Okay. Hey, haven't I seen this podcast episode title before? This sounds familiar. I feel like I'm already talked about this. Yes, okay, I did. This is a rerun episode. This came out probably months ago. But I'm on my holiday break right now. Yeah, I'm resting. I'm recharging. I'm healing my inner child. I'm completing my winter arc. It's all happening right now.

I'm taking a few weeks off. But just because the episode's a rerun doesn't mean it's not good. So give it a listen anyway.

And don't worry, I'll be back on January 16th, 2025 for our regularly scheduled programming. Back to Thursdays and Sundays for another year. Happy holidays. I love and appreciate all of you and I'm sending you all of my love and light. Now without further ado, enjoy this rerun episode. Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where

where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give my unprofessional advice. Today, I have a very raspy voice because I've been singing a lot in the car, etc., etc., and I've also been very dehydrated. I haven't been drinking a lot of water, so my voice is gone, but hopefully some of you think that it's sexy and charming.

I know for a fact there will be a few of you that will be annoyed, but this is just what you get with me. I lose my voice so much. It's unbelievable. And I can't tell if it's because I just talk and sing more than the average person or if it's because there is ultimately something wrong with my throat. But that's neither here nor there. And that is something for me to worry about and not for you to worry about. Don't worry. I will handle that.

You have enough going on in your own life, okay? Which is why we're doing an advice session because I'm going to be giving you unprofessional advice on things that are going on in your lives. And if you want to submit a current dilemma or a situation that you want advice on, at anythinggoes on Instagram, that is where...

we receive submissions. Okay, without further ado, let's just get right into it. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. If you're like me, I know you're always doing a million things at once. Running errands, grabbing coffee, online shopping at like 2am for like who knows what, getting some work done, but then getting distracted, but then going back to work and now, oh my God, it's 4am. What's happening? It's chaos, but it's our chaos. And that's why PayPal will always be that girl.

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Terms and cashback limits apply. See PayPal app. This card is issued by the Bank Corp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license by MasterCard International, Inc., and may be used everywhere MasterCard is accepted. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming. You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating. I like to be in a relationship.

Finding somebody you're attracted to is challenging enough, but then making sure that you're compatible is a whole other challenge. Well, Bumble is helping take some of the pressure off. Now you can make the first move or not. It's entirely up to you. Thanks to Bumble's new feature, opening moves. It's a simple way to start conversations. Just choose a question and let your matches reply to kick off the chat.

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Head to squarespace.com slash Emma for a free trial and use code Emma to save 10% on your first purchase. Head to squarespace.com slash Emma for a free trial and use code Emma to save 10% off on your first purchase. I curated a list today of current dilemmas slash situations that you all want advice on that specifically relate to having a crush on someone. So this whole episode is about what the fuck to do when you have a crush and

Let me tell you, it's fun to have a crush. It's really distracting, which is great. Like that's the best part about it is when you have a crush, it's almost like being drunk in the way that it distracts you. Like it consumes your mind in a way that is so potent and so all-consuming that

that nothing else really seems to matter. Like it becomes your number one priority a lot of times. And there's something kind of fun about that because it is an escape from your real life. It's like, who gives a fuck about homework or work or drama with friends? It's like, no, I got a crush. The only thing I'm worrying about right now is this. They like me back.

Was I weird when I flirted with them yesterday? Like, what's happening? Anyway, having a crush is fun, but it's also kind of a nightmare because you're in this sort of purgatory where you don't know for sure if they like you back most of the time. And it's exciting, but it's also torture because you're trying to figure it out every day and you're just fantasizing about what it would be like if you were together. And you're so close yet so far, it's a nightmare. It's fun, but it's a nightmare. A lot of things are like that.

It's like when you're in a party phase in your life and you're going out a lot. It's fun and it's distracting, but it's a nightmare. It's ultimately a nightmare. Anywho, the last time I had a crush was a few months ago. And I really found myself having a crush on the idea of this person. And then as I got to know them more, I was like, this person is not good for me. Like if I dated this person, it would be an absolute catastrophe. But it was tough to shake because I was like, well, fuck, I don't know. Like...

I don't know them that well. And even though I can tell that we wouldn't be super compatible personality wise, it's like, but what if we got to know each other and then they did become that? And it was like this whole thing. And the only way I got rid of that crush was by finding someone new. Like, I don't know if I would have shaken that crush as quickly if I hadn't found someone new who was ultimately way better for me, you know, like a better person to have a crush on. All that to say, there's something so challenging about shaking a crush, right?

even if you can tell that they're bad for you, even if you know that you'll never date them. It's like not up to you when you shake the crush. It's like your subconscious mind has to choose to be done. And that's why having a crush is so challenging. You can't just turn it on and off. I love having a crush. No, I don't. I prefer dating. I don't like, I actually don't like being in that crush phase. I like being in a relationship. That's what I like. I like

dating somebody that I will always have a crush on or I will have a crush on indefinitely, but feeling secure in that. I don't like being in the gray area. I don't like being in the purgatory of it. I kind of hate that. Like it is fun, but it is a nightmare. And I prefer to be in a relationship. Like that's my ideal situation. So, okay. Now enough about me. What the fuck? Someone said, how do I figure out if someone likes me back?

In the past, I would have listed out various signs that you can spot that would show you or give you a hint about whether or not they like you. That's what I would have said in the past. However, through some more life experience, I think my advice now is far less fun and far less exciting.

And it's that you really can't assume. You know, we can find ourselves reading into the tiny little micro behaviors of the person that we have a crush on, trying to figure them out like they're a solvable puzzle. Okay. But the truth of the matter is everyone's different. Everyone's little micro behaviors are different.

And what means one thing about one person doesn't mean the same thing about another person. Like, for example, if the last person that you had a crush on who ended up liking you back used to text you all the time, then you might read into this new person that you have a crush on texting you all the time and think,

well, that means that they probably like me, right? Or this feels like a sign that they like me. When, you know, this person that you have a crush on now could just be a really avid texter. They just love texting. And because you guys are friends, they text you a lot, okay? Another example is, you know, maybe someone who's had a crush on you before has given you really good eye contact when you talk. And that was a sign that they had a crush on you. Now you're talking to this new person who you have a crush on. They're giving you really good eye contact.

you might say to yourself, well, they must have a crush on me, right? That must be a sign because of the last person. When in reality, it might just be that this person really prioritizes eye contact in a conversation with anyone. It's so impossible to figure out that my recommendation is to not even try to read between the lines, not to even try to figure them out. Instead, you need to find out for sure. Because like this is...

is just my opinion okay I just think it's so misleading to basically like come up with conspiracy theories about whether or not they like you back now don't get me wrong I'm all about conspiracy theories okay um

I don't think that there's inherently anything wrong with being a little bit conspiratorial. I think it's good to question things. I think it's good to analyze things and read between the lines and try to figure things out. But you can never come to a conclusion based on a conspiracy. It's the same thing with like,

a conspiracy about, I don't know, like whether or not aliens are real. It's like, I don't think there's anything wrong with maybe putting together clues and trying to figure out if aliens are real. But you can never come to a conclusion unless there's proof, unless there's evidence, unless someone says, here's the science. These are the aliens. They're right here. This is 100% certain.

You see what I'm saying? It's the same thing with when you have a crush. It's like until you hear it from their mouth, not necessarily directly, maybe even through the grapevine, but until they say it, you just can't know for sure. And so you can never come to a conclusion based on things that are not factual. Like evidence is different than facts because evidence can sometimes not be accurate.

It's like when they're solving a murder case, okay? They might find fingerprints on some shit, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the person whose fingerprints were on the stuff did the murder. There are so many more variables to factor in. You can't...

You cannot come to a conclusion based on little pieces of evidence like that, right? So my piece of advice is if you're like overcome with desperation to figure out if this person likes you back, you got to start asking around. Maybe you start by asking their friends like, hey, you know, let me confide in you a little bit. I have a crush on your friend.

And I don't know how to handle it. Like, I don't know if I should ask them if they feel the same about me or if I should like start to get closer to them. Have they ever said anything about me? Like, do they like me? What do you know? And they might be like, oh, I don't know. Like, I could ask and get back to you or they might say, oh, yeah, they definitely like you. Or they might say, I don't know. Like, they're not really dating right now. Like, yeah.

Now, that's one way you could go about it. Another way you could go about it is you could become closer with this person that you have a crush on platonically in a friendly way. You could become closer with them and hopefully build a relationship where you have open communication, right? Now that takes time. That takes patience, okay? But then eventually you can be like, listen, I might like you a little more. You can make it a silly conversation. You could be like,

I don't know how to, this is so embarrassing, but I, maybe I have a crush on you, whatever. And it's no big deal. If you don't feel the same way about me, I'll get over it. But just let me know. Like, what do you think or no? And that's another way of going about it. But those are really the only ways to find out for sure. You have to find out for certain if you want to know for certain. I mean, obviously like there are little signs that you can pay attention to in the meantime. Like, does it seem like they want to spend time with you a lot?

Do they ever get a little flirty with you? Do you catch them looking at you when you're talking? And like a group of friends, are they like staring at you? Do they seem a little nervous around you sometimes? Or do they get kind of embarrassed sometimes around you? Like, yeah, there are all these signs that are not nothing, right? But you kind of have to communicate. I know. Such an annoying piece of advice. It's like, you just kind of have to ask. I know. I know. It's annoying. Next, somebody, oh my God, wait, listen to this.

My little kitty is very happy to be hanging out today. Okay. Okay. Next. Somebody said, how do I know when to give up on a crush? This is the fucking worst. Oh my God. This is the actual worst thing ever. Because as I mentioned earlier, it's like you can't just turn off a crush. But there are times when we must give up on a crush. Not only am I going to tell you how to know when it's time to give up on a crush, in my opinion, but I'm going to tell you how to know when it's time to give up on a crush.

But I'm also going to give you some advice on how, because that's a whole other beast, figuring out how to give up on the crush. Okay, so there's a few ways to come to the conclusion that you need to let this crush go. Number one, you find out for certain that they don't like you back. Now, to look at it in a glass half full way,

They might like you one day. Like there have been times when I've not had a crush on somebody and then randomly one day I wake up and I have a crush on them and vice versa. There have been times when I've liked somebody so much and they've not liked me back. And then all of a sudden one day they like me back. That's actually happened to me with two boys in my life, one in high school and actually my first boyfriend.

My first boyfriend did not like me back at first, which was fine. And we remained friends. And then eventually one day they liked me back. And I was like, what the fuck? This was great, but also what the fuck? So there's a chance that that could happen, but it doesn't matter.

you have to let it go. If you know for sure that they don't like you back, that is an obvious reason to let it go. But it's not obvious because a lot of times we think to ourselves, well, they might come around and they might like us back. That could still be true. And chances are, if they do end up liking you down the line, your feelings for them could resurge very easily. But it doesn't matter. If you know that right now they don't like you back,

you gotta let it go. If you find that out for certain, you gotta let it go, okay? That's number one. Number two, if you start to develop feelings for this person and they start to develop feelings for you, but you start to figure out through this process of you both having a crush on each other that you're not very compatible with this person. Like, I'll give you an example with, you know, this person I had a crush on a few months ago. Nothing ever happened with them. We never, like, we were just friends. I don't even know if they knew I had a crush on them. Like, it was whatever.

I started to realize that they, like, I was very attracted to them physically, for one, which was kind of blinding for me. Like, I just, I couldn't, they were so gorgeous to me that I like, everything that they said and everything that they did to me was perfect because they were hot. You know what I mean? I was like, this is the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. Like, I cannot fathom this. So then in the beginning of my crush made me like completely aloof to what their personality was like.

But then over time, I started to realize we don't really have a lot to talk about. We don't really have a lot in common. And not only do we not have a lot in common, but also this person isn't a big talker, okay? And I am such a talker and I kind of need to date someone who also likes talking, who can keep up with my excitement about discussing things and analyzing things. This person was not like that, okay? They're just not a talker. And then the stuff that they did talk about

was not inherently interesting to me. And that's fine. There are going to be times when you date people who have interests that don't match up with yours, and it's up to you to find interest in it. But it seemed to be like a reoccurring theme where it was like, we're not really having interesting conversation, I don't think. Not saying that this person is boring or that they can't have an interesting conversation. It's just that

They have different interests than me and I have different interests than them. And we don't have interesting, riveting conversation together just because of the nature of who we both are. They probably thought I was boring as fuck too, just because we don't like the same things. And also last but not least, I think that we were both really shy people when it comes to like dating. Like,

if it was ever going to happen, one of us needed to be like the leading force in the situation. And I like to date somebody who kind of takes charge in a way. Like in general, I just like someone who takes charge. And I could tell that that was not what this person was looking for. This person was also looking for somebody who would take charge. Now I could do that. I just didn't want to do that. So

I don't know if this person liked me back or not, but it didn't really matter because I knew deep down, even though I thought that they were the most gorgeous person I'd ever laid my eyes on, I knew deep down that this is not somebody I should date. They don't line up with me in that way. So that's another way to come to the conclusion that you should not have a crush on this person is if you get to know them better and you realize this is not a good partner for me, like I'm better off waiting.

and finding someone better. Now that's a very hard conclusion to come to, especially if you're like really physically attracted to them. But it's important because who you date and who you surround yourself with really impacts your well-being more than you can even imagine. So that's why it is important to come to that conclusion as quickly as you can. Now, when it comes to

letting it go. Okay. You have to be patient with yourself because as I've mentioned now two times prior, you cannot just turn off a crush. You can't just turn it off. So you have to enter into this journey of letting the crush go with forgiveness and patience with yourself, understanding that it's going to take some time and the feelings are not just going to go away overnight.

So there's going to be this period of time where you know that you need to end this crush. It needs to be over. You need to forget about it. But the crush is still very much there. There's going to be a decently long period of time where that's the case. This isn't always doable depending on who your crush is, if they're in your friend group or whatever. But it can be really nice to distance yourself. Again, you can't always do that. If they're in your friend group, you can't alienate yourself from your friend group because you have a crush on somebody in the group and you need space from them. But

Try to create as much space as you can between you and that person. Hang out with them the least amount possible, okay? And it can be tough. If this is a friend or somebody that you still really like, it can be painful. It can almost feel like a breakup, but it's so helpful. It's helpful in the same way no contact is helpful when you break up with somebody. Out of sight, out of mind. It's far easier to get over someone if they're not around you all the time.

So try to get them out of your area as much as possible. But if that's not possible, then it just takes patience. And you might never fully get over them, but you have to sort of accept the fact that you have this crush and accept the fact that it might never fully go away, but that you can't have this right now. And you can hope that maybe one day they'll change their mind and they might like you back, but you can't rely on that. So you just sort of have to find acceptance.

And more often than not, the longer you sit with this weird acceptance, but also sort of grief of the fact that you can't be with them.

The longer you sit with that, the more the feeling just goes away. Eventually, the crush will go away, at least to a point where it's no longer painful anymore. It might be in there a little bit, but it becomes very manageable. Another thing you can do is try to find someone else to have a crush on. That's what I tend to do when I have a crush on somebody and it's just like, I got to let this one go.

I'll try to find somebody new to have a crush on. I'll get excited about that prospect. Like, who's next? You know, okay, it wasn't this person, but who's next? And I let that be sort of a fun distraction from this other crush.

And maybe during that phase of trying to find a new crush, you distract yourself by being a little bit more social. Go and be social. Go and try new things where there's new people around who you could potentially have a crush on. You know, there's nothing wrong with seeking out a new crush. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming. You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating. I like to be in a relationship.

Finding somebody you're attracted to is challenging enough, but then making sure that you're compatible is a whole other challenge. Well, Bumble is helping take some of the pressure off. Now you can make the first move or not. It's entirely up to you. Thanks to Bumble's new feature, opening moves. It's a simple way to start conversations. Just choose a question and let your matches reply to kick off the chat.

Try opening moves on the new Bumble. Download Bumble now. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. I've seen so many cool products that just don't have a good website. Honestly, they should be using Squarespace.

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Next, somebody said, I've liked my friend for two years, but keep getting into other relationships to distract myself. What do I do? Well, I think for one, you have to sort of break this cycle of using other relationships as a distraction from your ultimate dream, if that makes sense.

At times, we can put ourselves into subpar situations to sort of hold us over until we can make our dream come true. But unfortunately, that's just not how the universe works.

When you're in another relationship, the door is not open then for what you want to come in. Now, this goes beyond this specific situation. Like, in general, if you're somebody who just can't be alone, and there's nothing, like, you're not a bad person if you're like that, you know? It's better to not be like that. It's better to work towards finding comfort being alone as well. But there's nothing wrong with you, okay? That's a very normal part of life.

Being a human, a lot of us fear being alone. But you can find yourself in shitty relationships because you'd rather be in something shitty than be alone. Now, the problem with that is whenever you're in a relationship, energetically, like not to get spiritual with it, but I swear energetically,

it feels like energetically nothing new and better and improved can come in unless you're completely single, free, independent, open. If you're in another relationship, the universe and whatever powers that be will not give you a replacement like you want it to. I don't know why, but I just feel like

From some, it feels spiritual almost how the universe just does not want to give you that when you're in another relationship. And I have absolutely experienced this. Like I've been like, oh, maybe I'll just stay in this for a little longer.

and see if something else comes my way that's better. Guess what? That doesn't happen a lot, okay? What tends to happen is the second that you let that person go, and you're single again, and you're free, and you're finding your independence, and you're happy without anyone else, not even happy, and you're fulfilled being alone for the time being, that's when the universe gives you something new. I swear it happens to me without fail every single time.

So that's the first step. You need to be single for this. It's not fair to you or the people that you're dating to be in the relationship just to avoid pain. Like you're avoiding the pain that comes with having a crush on your friend and being too afraid to ruin the friendship to have a conversation about it and to really figure it out. Any relationship built on a foundation of running away from something is not good and not healthy.

And it's not fair. It's not fair to you. And it's not fair to the other person. It's actually even more unfair for the other person. So I would say for now, you need to be single. That's step one. Step two, you got to have the conversation. It's been two years and you're starting to fall into sort of self-sabotaging behavior. You're getting yourself into shitty relationships and

which is not benefiting your quality of life. Like you're better off going to your friend, having a conversation about it and potentially even ruining the friendship for a period of time. You're better off doing that than you are continuing the way that you are now. For your own well-being and quality of life, you have to communicate at this point, in my opinion, okay, in my opinion. I think you just need to have the conversation.

And be like, listen, I don't want this to be weird, but I do kind of wish we could date. Like, how fun would it be? What do you think? You want to or no? Like, you can make it silly. You can make it lighthearted. And it's also important to give them an out so that they feel like they can say, no, I don't have feelings for you in that way. And they don't feel like you're going to be mad. And if you are able to execute that type of conversation...

you might end up disappointed. You might not get the result that you want. But at least you know then what you're working with because it's impossible to make a choice, a positive choice to help you move forward if you don't know if they like you back or not. You can't make a decision. So at least having this conversation will let you know

So you can act accordingly. If they like you, then it's like, okay, well, this is amazing. Now you can date, whatever, blah, blah, blah, happily ever after. If they don't like you, then now you know, okay, you know what? I need to let this one go. And I need to start taking the steps to let this go. And I need to start seeking out new people who maybe I could develop crushes on, who will like me back, who I can date in a way that's genuine and authentic, you know?

Next, somebody said, how to make a hookup casual without catching feelings. I'm in shambles. Okay, so my advice for this is like weirdly goes against my morals, but it's like the only way I've been able to do it is as follows.

If you hook up with someone who you don't like that much, you will not catch feelings for them. Now, the reason why this is challenging is because a lot of times you don't want to hook up with somebody that you don't like. It's like we want to hook up with people who we like a lot. But at times you can find this perfect middle ground where it's someone who

you maybe find physically attractive, or you maybe think that they're funny or something, but there's enough about them that you don't like that it's safe. You won't catch feelings. But there's enough also about them that you do like so that it's not like repulsive for you to hook up with them. The reason why this is against my morals is because I just feel like there's something gross about being like,

yeah, I don't like this person that much. I'm going to hook up with them because they might like you a lot. And that feels gross to me. Like, I don't know. I think it is fine to do that. I've done that. I have done that. In fact, like every random hookup that I've had that's not led to me dating the person has been a hookup that I made a tactful choice about. I was like, I will never want to date this person, but they're hot enough to me in one way or another that

that I could do this once or twice. You know what I mean?

So that's my honest advice is you just have to choose someone who you don't like, which is a little bit less fun, I'll be honest. But I think the other thing to consider is what type of person are you? Okay. So let's use me, for example. I'm a relationship girl. I love being in relationships. That's my favorite way of dating. Like some people love being single and they love just hooking up with everybody and they don't have a problem catching feelings. And that's

That's what makes them happy. Okay. Some people like to be in open relationships. Like everybody's so different. So you need to figure out what you are in the dating world, who you are in the dating world. I'll use me again as an example. I tend to catch feelings pretty vividly.

And I can get my heart broken pretty easily if things don't go the way that I wanted them to. I get sad because I like being attached to boys. Like I like being attached to them. I'm not somebody who has a guard around their heart and can pick and choose when they're super close with somebody and when they have really deep feelings for somebody. I'm just not like that. I'm prone to relationships. So with that being said,

I can't just like casually hook up with someone I have a crush on. I can't do that because if they don't like me back, it will absolutely destroy my life. I can't hook up with somebody that I'm really, really into.

Like if I just met someone and I'm like, damn, they kind of seem perfect so far, you know, I try not to hook up with that person because I need to know that they like me back and that we like each other before I can hook up with them because I will get destroyed otherwise. So that's just who I am. So the only types of people that I can casually hook up with somewhat successfully is people that I don't really like that much. And I know that I will never like them.

And you can tell. You're like, maybe they're kind of cringe to you. Maybe their style is just not your style. Maybe they're not that riveting to talk to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know that there's something about them that is never going to work for you. But that comes at a cost too, because when you hook up with someone like that, sometimes you can feel a little icky about it after. In fact, I have many times where I'm like,

I went into this for the wrong reasons, but also because I don't like them very much, the experience kind of felt icky. You know, it kind of felt gross. Like I don't,

I don't need somebody touching me like that who I don't really, really like. Like that can sometimes feel icky. So it's kind of a catch-22. It's very hard. You just might not be somebody who can naturally hook up with people and compartmentalize your feelings. Like some people can just do that. I can't. It's all too serious to me. Like...

I put having sex with people on a pedestal. It means something to me. And so, I don't know. I think it's a very hard thing to navigate. You just might not be the type of person who can do it in a way that is positive for your life. I feel like I'm that way. Like I just, I can't do it in a way that has a net positive in my life. That's just who I am. And you might be the same way. So it's about figuring out who you are.

you don't need to casually hook up with people. Like I've come to the conclusion now that I'm probably never going to have a one night stand again. And I'm saying that in general. I'm not just saying that because of what, like what situation I'm in or not in right now. It doesn't matter. Like no matter what situation I'm in in the future, I don't think I'll ever do that again because it doesn't fucking work with me. I take sex too seriously and,

to be able to almost do it casually. It's too deep for me. It's too vulnerable for me. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with looking at sex in a sacred way. There's also nothing wrong with looking at it in a casual way. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just how you view it. There's no like, you know, moral right and wrong in how you view sex.

But if you are somebody who sees it as something more sacred, which is why you tend to save it for people that you really like, which ends up making it not casual at all and you end up catching feelings or you end up feeling icky if you have sex with people that you don't really like because you're like, what the hell? Like I just did something that I feel is sacred with somebody who is not sacred to me. That feels icky. If you're somebody who's like that, you just might not be able to have casual sex with people.

like me. But then there are some people who see sex as casual, who don't take it as seriously, who maybe are more sexual by nature. They can hook up with whoever, like that's a different, I can't even give advice about that mindset because I don't know anything about it. But that's another type of person, you know what I mean? And it's just easier for that type of person. I have a feeling that if you're asking me this question, you're not that type of person because that type of person doesn't need advice on this.

But there's nothing wrong with experimenting. Don't let me discourage you from experimenting. If you're like, fuck, I really do want to figure out a way to hook up with people casually, experiment. Try hooking up with somebody that you don't really like, who like you still think is cool and you're still attracted to them, but who you know you'd never want to date. Try it. See if it works for you. See what positives and negatives come with that. I understand being in shambles about it though, because my God, have I been there?

The last thing I'm going to say about it too is that there is sort of this societal pressure to have casual sex. Now, it's funny because it wasn't that way, you know, 50 years ago. Like casual sex was not as accepted, but even more bizarrely, it was like ashamed of. Whereas now, at least in Gen Z, it's like cool and hot to be very sexual, actively sexual, actively having sex,

you know, casual hookups as much as possible. You know, we live in the era of hookup culture. So it is praised to be very sexually active with many different partners and to be exploratory. And I think that that's great. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that. However, there are some people like me who do not thrive in that environment, who do not thrive

in that lifestyle. Okay. It makes me miserable and it makes me feel icky. And it's not because I'm old fashioned and it's not because I'm, no, it's because to me, sex is a sacred thing that I only like to have with some people who I really, really, really, really, really, really like. And that's when sex is the most fun for me as well. Sex is not fun for me when it's with a random person. It's not fun. I don't like it. I feel weirded out. I'm too nervous. I'm uncomfortable. I'm

It's not like I'm gonna fucking am I gonna have an orgasm? No. Are they gonna be able to figure that out? No. So like I it's pointless for me. It's like we're not in a rhythm. You don't know me. This is weird. I don't really like you. Why am I doing this with you? Ew. Like ew. It just gives me the ick. It gives me the ick. Okay.

So it's okay to feel that way. A lot of us who are similar to me feel bad or weird or shameful about the fact that we can't have casual sex. But there's nothing wrong with waiting for a partner who you have more trust with, who you have a deeper bond with, who you have more of a commitment to. There's nothing wrong with that. And I can almost guarantee you that for the remainder of my life, I probably will not hook up with random people.

I just don't see it ever happening again for me. I think I've learned my lesson enough. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. For many people, the holiday season brings an incredible vibe. I mean, it's supposed to, right?

love visiting my hometown, spending time with my family, playing board games, baking, you know, all the cozy stuff. Whatever makes you happy this month, do it. But also make sure you're doing what you can to feel that way all year long. If you need suggestions, I recommend therapy, which you can get easily through BetterHelp. It would make an excellent gift for yourself.

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Okay, last but not least, somebody said, how to flirt, dot, dot, dot. Okay, here's the thing. I'm not the best flirter, okay? I don't have the most insane game. In fact, I tend to be very platonic about it.

with people I have a crush on to a fault. I tend to be very reliant on the other person making a move on me. And then I'll, you know, slowly but surely arrive. You know what I mean? I will arrive eventually, but I tend to let the boys, you know, I tend to let them take over for me. I don't really need to do it. It's okay. You guys can do it for me. You can be the one to grab my hand. You can be the one to like, give me a little side hug randomly at a random time or something. You can be the one to like,

compliment my outfit. I'm not going to do it first. No, no, I'm not going to do it first. However, I flirted before. It's not that I have not. It's just that I tend to rely on the other person to do it, which is lazy of me. But I think the biggest mistake that we make in flirting is to take advice. That's actually my advice. Don't listen to anyone else's advice about flirting. Because here's the thing.

flirting is something that has to be natural. It has to be authentic to you. When it's not, and when you're taking advice from somebody else, it feels forced. It feels inauthentic and it's not as effective. You know, it's all about experimenting and figuring out what works for you. You know, some people...

They like to do a little hand touch or like a little arm touch when they're talking. Nothing that gets in the way of somebody else's privacy. You know, it's not like a, it's just like a little tap, you know, like little contact. I think that that's completely reasonable. Some people like doing that and that's what comes naturally to them. Some people like to be complimentary of the other person. Maybe that's what comes naturally for you.

Some people like to sort of make fun of the other person in a way that's harmless, you know? That might be the way that you do it. Some people like to have really good eye contact. Some people like to... I don't know. There's so many different ways to do it. And there's really no wrong way to do it unless you're obviously doing something that makes the other person feel uncomfortable, right? It's always better to err on the side of caution and be more conservative with your flirting because...

you want to make sure that the other person doesn't feel uncomfortable. But other than that, there's no wrong way to do it. In fact, the best way to do it is to do it in your way. So like, don't listen to what anyone else says. If someone says, oh yeah, like I always use this one line on people. I'm like, you know, hey, your hand looks warm. Maybe I could get you a cold drink for that. Would you like me to buy you a drink? That's the worst. I just came up with that.

I just came up with that. And if you ever use that, you will never, eight years of bad luck. Like that's, don't ever say that. But you get what I'm saying. Like if somebody gives you some advice like that, don't follow it because it's not gonna work for you. You have to find your own way with it. And you have to just be intuitive with it. My biggest piece of advice is, if you can find a way to calm down and to settle into your own body again when you're around somebody who you're interested in,

that will naturally allow you to flirt. We tend to focus on like, how do we flirt? How do we flirt? Well, what we should really be focusing on is how can we be as comfortable and as ourselves as possible when we're around somebody we're interested in? We're focusing on the wrong thing because naturally, if you can find a way to take this person off the pedestal

and be comfortable around them, the flirting will just come. That's what we forget about. We're too focused on how to flirt and less focused on how do we just be ourselves around this person. So I would say that's my advice. Anyway, that's all I have for today. I wish you all luck on your journey with your crushes. It's a double-edged sword, you know? It's fun, but it's a nightmare, but it's exhilarating and distracting, but it's

torturous and painful. It's just one of those things. Anyway, I love you all. Thank you all so much for listening and hanging out. I hope that you enjoyed it. If you did, tune in Thursdays and Sundays, new episodes twice a week, anywhere that you stream podcasts, although video is exclusive to Spotify. Check out Anything Goes on Instagram and Anything Goes on TikTok at

Anything goes. You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain on YouTube, Emma Chamberlain on TikTok. I don't really know. My username is changing like every 30 minutes right now, but I'm back on TikTok, which is super weird. But find me on TikTok. Now that I'm back on there, check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee. You can find us online, chamberlaincoffee.com. You can find a store locator on chamberlaincoffee.com and see if we're in a store near you or just order us online. It's even easier.

That's all I have for today. I love you all. I appreciate you all and I can't wait to talk to you soon. I'll talk to you in a few days and I just love you.