David Spade: Play Monster
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That's 15% off at SaatchiArt.com. S-A-A-T-C-H-I-Art.com. Ever wish your favorite TV show had twice as many episodes? Everyone knows that feeling, and so does Discover. Everyone wants more of their favorites. That's why Discover doubles another favorite thing, cash back.

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Save it for the P.O.D. I'm fucking potting now, bro. Are we on? I fucking start rolling the minute, right? Oh, that's smart. Let me see this watch. 90,000. What did you ask me? Hello. Welcome to Literally with me, Rob Lowe. Very, very, very excited about the podcast today. I have one of my oldest buddies. He's one of the funniest men around. He's...

reinvented himself so many different times and so many different shows and movies. He's got a tremendous selection of trucker hats, and he's got preternaturally looking youthful blonde hair. And of course, you've probably done the math by now, and you've guessed that my guest today is David Spade.

So we're going to start with two watch stories. Okay, good. I had an old Rolex, like an old time one, you know?

You know, from the 50s or something. I actually gave Gervitz one for his birthday. We have the same manager. Yeah, we have the same manager, Mark Gervitz. Mark Gervitz. He's terrible. He's terrible. He's fucking awful. Look at us. We're both on a fucking podcast. How good can he be? By the way, I have to say, Rob works nonstop. You bust your ass. I'm a grinder. I am. We were going to do something the other day, and I thought, Rob is fitting us in in between so many things, and I appreciate it because you bust your hump. Okay, here's a boring watch story, so everyone tune out. I had this old Rolex.

So I'm going. I only tell these stories because they have some celebrities involved or people were- Oh, I'm all about the drop of a name. Fucking spiked down. Nobody wants to hear about your local grocer. Maya Rudolph and Paul Thomas Anderson. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did not see that. Did you say Paul Thomas Anderson? Yeah. My favorite director. Maya, Paul, and my local grocer. We all went to Hawaii. No, I rented a plane. So of course-

I ran into those guys. I go, if you want to jump on, we're all going to Hawaii. And it was when their kid Pearl was just born. So I don't think he cares if I tell this dumb story. So we had a fun time. But on the way home, we were bored on the plane. And he goes, he said, oh, let me check out that watch. And so he tried it on and whatever, whatever. So about two days later, I go, oh, wait, he's got my watch.

So I said, hey, man, you know, so weird, awkward. I don't know him that well, but he's a big, like, star director. He thinks I probably want to be in a movie or something, even though I know that ship is sailing. Why would you ever want to be in his movies when you could be in Adam's movies? Yeah, I'm covered. Nobody needs Paul Thomas Anderson when you got Adam Sandler. I don't want him dragging me down. No. So I says to him, I says, hey, PTA, I think you accidentally, he goes, oh, yeah, I still have it.

Let me know if you're ever in the Valley, you can grab it. Why is it my, why do I have to go get it? Wait, wait, wait, wait. It was actually your watch? I thought he went out and got one. No, he tried it on and then he never took it off. Dude. So I forgot. And then I go, oh, you got my watch. And he's like, oh yeah. Instead of going, let me bring it over to you. He goes, yeah, just let me know. And I thought, you motherfucker. What's that great story that Robert Kraft, the owner of the Patriots, told me?

So I guess he met Vladimir Putin at some point. And Putin, do you know this story? Oh, where he put on his ring. Yeah. Yeah. Putin wanted to see a Super Bowl ring, put on his Super Bowl ring and never gave it back. And said, it's mine now. Just never, just didn't give it back and Kraft didn't want to ask for it. I couldn't, I wouldn't, I don't want to be thrown in a fucking- Gulag. Yeah. And the Whitsitt Canal. So here I am about a year later, I go-

Hey, any ETA on that watch? You got a 20 on it? And he's like, dude, let's have dinner. And next time I see you, I've seen him 20 times since then. I've never seen the watch. So I still don't have it. Second story. Wait, that's not true. You still don't have the watch? I don't. I didn't, never got it back. It's been easily 10 years. Isn't that funny? You should be, what? Should I be livid? Yes. No, he's a big writer director. I'm not going to make any waves.

That is unbelievable. He said, I'll introduce you to Joaquin. I've abandoned my watch. That's from There Will Be Blood. That's from There Will Be Blood. So I was at the, all the grownups were doing some promo thing in Las Vegas. So we're all there and we're all wasted. No, I find that very hard to believe. On the Superbowl.

So a couple days later, I can't find my, this juicy Rolex, the one that's worth the most. So I go, oh no, I lost it in Vegas. It must've been Vegas. So I called the hotel and I didn't want to blame them. I said, listen, I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying, I don't have it. If you see it and they said, okay, we have to check. We'll look at the videotapes. They know when your maids go in. They know more than you think. They have video, the keys are clocked in when they go in your room. So I go, yeah, just tell me which maid stole it. It's fine.

And so they said, the guy called me. I was dating an African-American woman at the time. And they said, oh, we had a breakthrough. We saw an African-American woman come in the hotel around midnight that night with sort of a case closed attitude. What? And I go, right? And they go, so? And I go, well, she was with me. She didn't steal it. Okay. You want us to keep looking? Yes, keep looking. She was staying with me. And they go, okay. So cut to that.

I have to file a report. And then they send me actually more than it was worth. They said the new version of these. So it was very nice. The insurance was very good. I've never gotten any insurance. I felt like the biggest loser. I go, I don't want to be one of these guys. I actually lost it, whatever. But I did lose it. I did. I did lose it. And they didn't say a word. They said, here's your money.

Two weeks later, I see Swartzen and I go, dude, I had a watch just like that. And he goes, oh yeah, this is yours. What? I go, but that's my watch. He goes, oh yeah, remember I tried it on Super Bowl night and we were all fucked up. I go, and you never mentioned it since? He goes, no, but if you want it back. If I want it back? What? So he gave it back and then I had to call the insurance. Oh, you're such an honest man. I did. And then I sent him their money back. That's the Arizona in you. Yeah.

It's my mom. It's your good... My dad would be willing to look the other way. Look the other way. Who among us wouldn't? I hate these kids on spring break. Yeah, I don't like it. I mean, I don't know. I was not a big spring break guy anyway. I was like, in my 20s, my whole fucking life was spring break. What did I need that for? I mean, my God, the Rob Lowe life everyone wishes. You know? Every girl I know still is in love with you. You haven't lost one step. Come on. They're all like, Rob Lowe's on your show. Rob Lowe this, Rob Lowe that. And then...

They're like, oh. I go, yeah, you don't need to say his name three times in a row. I love that. I love hearing that. Yeah, they all love you still, so you're doing fine. And someone told me today they were glad you're not covered in tattoos. How many tattoos do you have? Any? I have one that I got right when I first got sober. It was like my...

I'm still wild. I may be sober now, but man, I'm still edgy. Yeah, that's true. And I look like Popeye the Sailor Man. Yeah. I literally look like I'm in a longshoreman's union. It's so faded and bad. Mine is, you're maybe not a tattoo guy. You could do it. I have a couple and they suck, but I'm not a tattoo guy either. Well, it looks like you have one on your hand. What is that? I do write on my hand because it's the only way for me to remember stuff and-

Wait, you have a phone. You could like dictate it into the phone, right? That's a great point. But I actually know for sure. I'll look at my hand and remember things. But I remember one kid said he was at spring break and I was pissed because I was holed up. And he goes, fucking Corona, man. It's either going to get me or it's not, man. I'm here to party on spring break. I'm like, I think you should just die the normal way off a fucking balcony at Senior Frogs like everybody else.

Spring break. Like, let's go that way. That's why he knew Corona wasn't going to get him first. He's like, watch this. I'll be on Barstool Sports. Luckily, my neck broke my fall. Spade Ram, we've known each other a long time. Yeah. A long time.

Did I meet you on Tommy Boy or I had known you before that? No, dude. I did the show. I did the show. Weren't you on? I don't think I was there when you hosted. Oh, wait. Maybe you weren't. SNL. Maybe you weren't. Yeah. I think I just barely missed you. When? Do you remember what year? Without telling anybody how old I was. The first time I hosted was 88. I wasn't there yet. Then I hosted in like 96.

I think you just missed me. And then I think I hosted in 2000. Holy shit. A three hoster? A three hoster. It's a good company. It's a really good company. I've done it twice and it was so much fucking harder than I thought it would be. What's the difference between hosting it and being on it? It's so much harder to be the host because I was also a scrub. So the most I was in was three sketches, I think ever. Yeah.

I'd maybe do an update piece and then the Gap Girls or something, but that was overwhelming. When I first hosted, I was in 13. I was in the cold opening, a commercial parody, monologue, weekend update bit. There was nothing I wasn't in, and Rob, I get overwhelmed easy. I remember I was sick, so I was so stressed out. You got a little bit of hypochondria thing going, right? Yeah, I got stressed. I remember that. I got stressed because, I mean, I was legitimately sick, but...

It was because of that. I mean, it was so overwhelming that by... And meanwhile, I've seen every host go through it. And I used to give them a speech like, listen, Friday night, you might panic, but blah, blah, blah. Yeah, right. And I flip the script and I don't listen to anyone. I'm like... So during Dress...

I'm slowing down. I'm feeling weird. I'm feeling sweaty. I'm in a UPS outfit for one of my fucking bullshit bits. I'm looking at cards. I don't even know what bit I'm in. They're moving so fast. I'm like, am I Irish in this? They're like, no. I'm like, uh-huh. And so I start to feel sick during it. They go, okay. You know, it's over commercial. And dress for the people at home is exactly like the air show. They could air it. It's crazy.

Full makeup, full rehearsal, full outfit. Live audience. Live audience. Yeah. You wouldn't know the difference. Nope. And then they hack off sketches afterwards. They go about two hours. So here I am about an hour and a half in. Marcy Klein grabs me to run to the next 30 seconds to the next bit. And I go, hang on a second. She's like, what? What? And everyone's like, what? And then Joe Dixon, everyone just stops in their tracks. And I slink off the chair and then lay on the floor of the stage.

And they go, what's going on? Everyone's like, spades down, spades down. And they go, what's going on? And then they go, stop, stop, stop. And then the band stops. And they're just staring me laying down. And I'm like, cold floor. Like, you know when you're sick and I was drenched in sweat. I don't know what was happening. They dragged me to that host. You go past the page desk. The host dressing room? The host dressing room right next to music.

Yep. Which is fun when you're across from like Nirvana. Hey. Oh, yeah. Or me. I get the pogues and they're like barnyard animals. Yeah.

Disgusting. I got ripped off on my musical guess too. I didn't. I had Spice Girls at their height and Eminem and Dido. Thank you very much. Yeah. It's all eye roll. Did you survive? The charm life continues. So Marcy's outside the door and I go in and I start barfing. No, you actually did hurl. Yes. This is my stomach is so sick. It's all nerves, I guess. And I hear outside the door, Lorne, Marcy, Marcy.

Downy, like anyone important going, well, what's going on? Well, we're going to have to, in 10 more minutes, we have to air a rerun. I mean, we're not going to be ready. We've got to tell NBC we're not ready. Because they hadn't finished Dress, let alone fucking turn it around quickly for air. And so Lauren goes, well, let us know. We've never run a rerun. So I go, oh, my God, an add to the stress, more puke. And then...

I hear birds tweeting, and I guess I puked it all out. Maybe I had some of those bad pork chops I got out of a vending machine. That's a lot of stress. It's a lot of stress. And then I felt a little better, and then they powdered me, powdered my behind, shoved me out my sketches. I did like two final sketches, bombed them. The writers were like, thanks. I took a total dive. I was like, let's just get through it. Those two immediately were gone.

We're cut. Because I gave it 20%. Yeah, for sure. And then I'm sitting in that meeting, the one you've dreamed about before, air where Tom Hanks is all excited, like, what are we doing? He's got his book out. He's got his scripts. He's like, we're cutting this. We're losing this. Tom, look at the camera on this. We're taking the back of it off. All right, you're going to have a different hat on. And everyone's like, yep, yep, yep, the whole place. I'm like this, David, David, huh? Are we still talking about the show? Yes. Yes.

I'm like drifting off and then we get out there and I do all right. Who's your musical guest? It was Eagle Eye Cherry was on one. Not to say he's not the best, but... Not to say he's not the best, but who is he? Just not to say...

He's any person. Now, Eagle-Eyed Cherryhead, Save Tonight, Until the Break of Dawn Come. That could not be. If you had to think of a song that was more dated, I don't think you could think of one. We had. I don't think you could think of one. We had. I think the music guy got fired over Hot House Flowers. He said, this will be the new Nirvana. And they fucking bombed. Did they? What was the, okay, you were there for how many years? Six. What was the biggest disaster you witnessed?

Were you there for Steven Seagal? Yes. You were? Yes. No. Yes. Oh. For those who don't know, he is widely and unanimously, that's the same thing, right? Widely and unanimously? Eh. Considered the worst host in the history of SNL.

And I hope he's not around to kick my ass. I think he's in Russia, so it's all good. I have to defend him a little bit. He's fucking there with Robert Kraft's Super Bowl ring. I think maybe his one-inch ponytail was too tight that night because— Wait, you're defending him? A little bit. Why? Only because he was totally— You liked his ideas. He was friendly enough to me. The only thing he did, which was he tightened up, which is a lot of hosts do. I don't know if you did it. I didn't do it. I threw up, but I didn't tighten up as far as—

You have to sort of trust these 30 people you don't know. You have to walk in and say... 100%. A lot of people think we're there to make fun of them. And we're saying we respect you. If we're getting you on the show to host, we all want it to work. Yep. And if you make fun of yourself, this is where it gets tricky. If you make fun of yourself, it will benefit you. And we promise you. And if you don't, and you fight it so much, and that was him. He was too cool and had his image...

And, you know, like Stallone would come on, you know, whoever would come on and they make fun of Rocky. You know, that's the way to do it. And then people go, oh, you're a human. You play so cool, but you can at least goof around. And it's more relatable. He wouldn't do Kung Fu fighting as a cold open or a monologue. And it was like, everybody, let's go. But he was, we had it something funny. Then he throws in little kicks, you know. It would have been amazing. It was amazing. And I think we walk up and get kicked and fall down. Yeah.

So he says he'll do it, but he just talks it. It's still kind of funny, but he won't play it all. And then the other sketches he was fighting. A lot of people, you have to go through their people when you just want to grab someone and say, hey, Rob, here's- What about this idea? Can I tweak this? Because I wrote it.

And some people still make you go through people and then it gets all... That's so crazy. Whenever I host, I was in the writer's room. I think that's all the whole time. Part of the fun. Yeah, 100%. Like you go in and you're in the shit with everybody. Yeah. And you're like, hey, I'm one of you. If I can help, I'll add jokes if you don't want me to, but let's just play with it. And you'll come in my office. If people don't know, like they would bring Rob or...

Patrick Swayze, whoever it was. And they would go office to office at one in the morning after Lauren took them to dinner, I think. And then they come back and it starts around 10, 30, 11 and they walk to all the writers room. So you come in my office and they say, this is Spade and Farley's room. And if they have any- And you guys had your own room. You were the- Yeah, we were together. And then like Liz or Marcy would stand outside who handled the host and just wait. But they didn't have a PR. They didn't have anyone with them. No, nobody. I think now they might, but-

They'd have anyone say walk in and they'd say, hey, they think the best part was they think we're all equal. They think we're all great writers. So they think I'm as good as Smigel or Downey. They just say, here's Spade. He's a writer. And they're all their trust. You can see him looking at you like, what are we doing? I'm like, I just give fake questions. Did you do a Russian accent? I can work on it. Yeah.

Might help for, what, Gap Girls? I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm just bullshitting because I'm stuck. But you get to pitch me an idea. They formulate it with you. And sometimes they'll say, I don't think that's for me.

And it saves you eight hours of writing. Yeah, I remember the first time I met Mike Myers, I remember going into his writing room and him saying, okay, which would you rather do, Sprockets or Wayne's World? And I remember saying, I fucking hate, I gotta be honest, I hate Wayne's World. I think it's stupid. I want to do Sprockets. Oh, you were in Wayne's World movie. I know, that's the great irony. But we did a Sprockets on my show because that was the one I liked. You like it better. I liked it better. Was Farley, did he ever actually write Sprockets?

He wrote one called Doggy Doctor. He wrote one sketch. What was Doggy Doctor? Well, it never got past read-through, obviously. He threw it in with the prose and it was fucking the biggest bomb. And I kept looking across going, fucking bombing. Like, of course, everyone was... Because he was so tense and pulling his hair and licking his dollar bills because it was like 12 pages. It was way too long and it was bombing from the first sentence. Oh, no. And...

And everyone's staring at him and he's trying to get through it and give it everything. And it was such a piece of shit. But it was so funny just to watch because when we came back in the office, I go, I have a sketch. Puppy lawyer, your honor. Arf, arf. And he goes, fuck you, David. No one laughed like it was our fault. I go, well, it was, yeah, it's called bombing at read-through. We all do it. But people think I'm busting his balls. But we would just do it for fun because he liked it.

He also, oh, I had one on a really soft week called Goo Goo in the Honey Pot. I like the title. It was Farley in an eight-foot honey pot trying to crawl out. And everyone's going, Goo Goo, he's in a diaper. Are you in the honey pot again? And he goes, no. Wait, I feel like I've, well. Wait, why do I know this? Well, it's just sort of an old story that didn't make it. And then Lorne is the only one. Goo Goo in the Honey Pot is going to go on after Update. Yeah.

Everyone, Goo Goo, should we save it for Tom Hanks next week? What do you think, Goo Goo, Tom Hanks, Goo Goo? Maybe Tom Hanks getting a honeypot with Goo Goo. So I say, so Farley's all in, and we go to read through, and it's three pages, the script, because it's obviously just sort of a couple jokes. So Lauren's like, okay, Jack Handy with toontses, blah, blah, blah, finishes it, goes to the next script, and goes, Goo Goo and the honeypot. Pause, pause.

flips it all, the whole script over and goes, Wayne's World cold open. I go, and we all stare and go, what the fuck? He skipped it. It's never, ever happened. That's never happened. Never. I don't know what the fuck. Maybe he got whispers. It's a piece of shit.

I couldn't believe he finally stared at me and started going, like, freaking out. I go, I don't know. He could have also thought it was one of those sketches. I've heard that people would write out of boredom because Lorne reads the stage directions. Yeah. That they would put shit in the stage directions just because they knew it would be funny with Lorne saying it. Yeah. So it could be, goo-goo, he didn't want to say goo-goo a bunch of times. Well, like, we would say it's a trick in read-through, and Schneider would be the biggest psycho about it.

So if we're a read-through and let's say your script says, let's say you wore a jacket and you left it,

in rehearsal and then you left it somewhere else and the other person goes, there's people that were right in. And then Rob Lowe comes in with his jacket this time and everyone laughs and Rob goes, trick, trick, that's not a real laugh. That won't be a laugh. That's an inside joke. And everyone goes, shut the fuck up. Trick, trick, trick. So we'd all yell trick now when you get like, and then someone comes in, it could be Ken Among, who's like one of the producers, and then everyone laughs. And I go, trick, trick.

Just to keep everyone in check. Because you put two of those in there and it fluffs it up to where this sketch does well enough. People get competitive. Where you think it might get on and people are like, fuck that, I'm calling them out on that. No, I had Lovitz in here and we were talking about it. And I remember the first time I met Lovitz, he was standing outside the room begging to get his sketches on. What did Lauren say? Is the flyer going to be on? Yeah. Lovitz is an example of when I got hired.

I was brought in for four shows at the end of the season in May, you know, right around then. And then I had summer off, but they wanted me to get my feet wet for the next season. So the four shows I was starting, I came in on that Saturday. So I went to the show and Lauren goes, just walk around. Obviously no one tells me one fucking thing. So I just walk around and it's Lovitz's last season. And he was, I think with Gervitz. So we're all like, you know, friendly through that.

And he was nice, but he was all depressed. And I said, why are you depressed? He goes, I'm only in two things. Dana's in five. I go, you care how many things you're in? And he goes, yes, Dana's in five. Did you not hear me, man?

I said, yeah, but who gives a fuck? Yours is hilarious. And I thought, oh, my God, he's been on the show six years. Everyone thinks he's hilarious. I would never count watching at home how many sketches you're in. I would just go, oh, good, there's Lovett. Oh, Dana's in this one. That's funny. Or I would watch the whole thing and never even think he wasn't even in. But –

I promised myself, I go, I can't get like that. I was like that within three shows. I was freaking the fuck out. I had told myself I should go dig up my time caps and go, remember, don't freak out. And I go, nope, that's the way it is. I can't, I'm not on enough. Did you ever, the goodbyes, right? Yeah. Were there certain goodbyes you're like, fuck this. I don't want to go back out there. Fuck that. I'm not going. Well, if I wasn't anything, I feel cheating.

Or did you ever try to muscle your way up to be like... Yes. Yes. Yes. Particularly if it was a good looking girl. In all honesty. Well, more of it was...

famous beat good looking girl. Yeah, no, of course. I would try to muscle my wife because my friends would watch and I would count that as a sketch in my head. Yeah. I'm like, I was in Good Nights and I did Update. Airtime. I asked Lauren once, explain to me what this goodbye is. I don't... Explain to me. Did I ever tell you this? Yeah. Well... His answer was genius. He goes, you want it to be that the audience feels like there's about to be

An amazing party that they're not invited to. And there is. That's what it is. And there is. There's an after party. I think the party is... The party isn't good still? I hear they're not so good anymore. Well, I'm such a puss. I would only do about an hour, but... Now, would you ever... Here's the other thing I never understood is when the actors who showed up at the party who weren't on the show or not involved with it. Oh, yeah. Party crashers. Famous party crashers. It's just a party, but, you know, Marcy would always go, all right, there's your table. You'd walk in, you'd have a table. Like, they'd rent, you know...

Not Moose and Franks or whatever it's called. Something. Wally and Josephs. And they go, all right. They wouldn't tell you the party, which is kind of cool. They would lay it on a note in your dressing room. So when you get done with the show, it says where the party is. So everyone couldn't get to the party.

Get the word out. Saturday Night Live, there's nothing – there'll never be another show like it because all of this stuff is like vestigial from the good old days of the 70s. Yeah. Like even the hours. There's no reason those hours need to be so insane. They're insane because in the 70s, everybody was coked up. Yeah. They're drug hours. There's also no reason to go in at one every day. They're drug hours that they still do, although no one does any drugs anymore. Yeah.

The only reason you would go in early is for a commercial shoot. Right. For a fake commercial. But the rest of the week, you don't go in before 1 for absolutely almost any reason. No, there's no reason. Even on show day, isn't that fucking crazy? And there's a party after. All this stuff of like, it's like when the business was so fun and not so corporate. And they're the last show hanging on to all of that. I hope it stays on. I mean, I wish we had...

Our best sketch on the internet Monday morning. That would have kept us going. Oh my God, more. Because if you didn't see, you just didn't see it. And then six months later, you get a rerun. If you miss that, it might be on the best of, but that's it. I know. And you'd have to have like these sketches, like let's say motivational speakers or something that just got big off of one shot. And it was big. Even buh-bye, that thing I did where I go buh-bye, buh-bye. You know, more people had TVs then and there wasn't as much cable, obviously, but...

If it worked, you knew because next day I flew home to LA, flight attendants all bye-bye. And for the next 10 years straight easily, not one flight would go by where they wouldn't go bye-bye. We show it at training, bye-bye, bye. And we did that sketch twice and one didn't really count. Really? Only twice? Just off Helen Hunt. Yeah, I know. Just off Helen Hunt, that one. Really? It worked. And then we did it later and it was with Steve Martin, but I don't even know if that one reran. It didn't work at all.

And so it was over. But man, but we got a lot out of that. When they do Wayne's World 35 times, you know, Church Lady 50. 750 times. So it's true the audience sort of knows what they like and they decide as a group. When Bill Murray, the old story of he was on and Franken was writing something. This is Senator Al Franken. And he goes, back in the old days, yeah. And he goes, why are you putting yourself in it? And he goes, I want to be on the show. And he goes, Al.

You've been on three years. They're not biting. And he goes, I've been on three weeks and I'm in. They're buying what I'm selling. Who said that's amazing? Bill Murray. Isn't that great? Because it's so true. They liked him right away, Bill Murray and Chevy and all these people. And Al for like seven years kept putting himself in stuff and it just wasn't catching up. The best was I was walking, we were shooting Wayne's World. I was walking the Paramount lot with Lorne.

And Al Franken came by on a bicycle. And he had a big new show coming out this fall where he played like a newscast. Yeah, I remember that one. You remember this show? Like a big show. And I go, Al's new news show's coming out. That should be cool. He goes, hmm. That's it? He goes, hmm. I think America voted in 1976. And we'll be right back after this.

All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I'll never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. ♪

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount. Terms and conditions apply. Oh, I know what I want to ask you. Yes. Was I a dick on Tommy Boy? Was I nice to you? Were you a dick on Tommy Boy? No. I was nice to you, right? No. We all had fun together, right? We were so excited to have you. Tommy Boy wasn't a hit when we were shooting it, so I would be cockier about it now. Tommy Boy...

Is the staying power of that movie? I mean, you've done a lot of movies. Wouldn't you say that Tommy Boy is the one with like an extraordinary amount of staying power? The most, when you and Farley did Tommy Boy and then I signed on. Is that how it went? It was me. I know there was a rumbling that you were going to do it and we were very excited. Well, because I was playing, again, playing tennis with Lauren. Is that how it started? Yeah, exactly how it started. I was playing tennis with Lauren and Bernie Brillstein. I don't know this.

Who, by the way, was, God bless my manager, he weighed 7,000 pounds, but he could move like Jackie Gleason on a tennis court. Oh, really? Yeah, he was really good. Love Bernie. And we would play tennis together, and Lorne goes, this is after Wayne's World had been a big success. And he was like, I'm thinking of an idea, you and Chris's brothers. I was like, wow, that's really great. And I didn't hear anything about it for like six months.

And I'm going to have the Turners do it. Bonnie and Terry Turner. Yeah, Bonnie and Terry Turner. Writers from SNL. Writers from SNL. And then the script came out and it was tweaked differently. We were kind of brothers. That's more like Black Sheep. Yeah. And I wonder if that became Black Sheep. That's how I heard about it first time. Because you could have done Black Sheep. It was Tim Matheson, but the same sort of thing. Right. His brother. He was the Black Sheep of the family. Do you remember the dinner we had last night?

I do a one-man show. I tell this story, and it always kills. We went to, remember Barbarians? Barbarians, for sure. Right, for sure, right? So Barbarians is the place we loved. Usually on the way to the Brass Rail. Well, for you guys, I was kind of, why was I? I must have been married. I think you were married. I'd just gotten married. You were being very good. I was being very good, because the Brass Rail was a big-time place. And we needed you as bait, but sometimes it backfires, because...

They don't always want the shake. They don't always want the shake. They want the buds and the, you know, the weed buds, not the fucking sticks and stems that are me and Farley. So we got a... Fucking barbarians, Bob Weiss. We'd always go to Barbarians. We'd go to Barbarians and Farley. Steakhouse. Yeah, the big steakhouse in Toronto. And I remember...

I remember like it was yesterday. I remember even where we were seated. Farley was across from me. He ordered two bone-in, two porterhouse steaks. And on top of each bite, he put a cube of butter. Oh, yeah. The peelback butter? Yeah, the peelback butter. It's a full square. A full square on every single bite. And I said, Chris, what?

hell are you doing? And he looked up at me and goes, it needs a hat. Yep. And he would eat the whole fucking, it's like a two inch by two inch bite. Yeah. The bites were fucking monstrous.

Put a hat on it. He put a hat on it. What was the fight, the famous Tommy Boy fight about? Do you remember? I remember it happening. Oh, it was about you. It was about me, right? We would fly on a little puddle jumper private jet. I think that's the only time I've ever been on a private jet. It was...

She had to do the show. It wasn't, yeah. SNL while we're shooting Tommy Boy. I know you hear about like Pete Davidson skipped SNL to go on a date to a wedding. It's like that would never happen. Never. Or he's shooting a movie and going to fashion shows. We're like, are you shitting me? It just must be different over there because we couldn't get out a full week to do a movie that Lauren was producing. So Tommy Boy was Monday, Tuesday.

Tuesday, Toronto. Wednesday, fly into New York to do read-through. Fly back after read-through. Thursday, shoot, Toronto. Friday, Saturday, New York. And then at 1 a.m., we'd fly back to Toronto and shoot Sunday, Monday, Tuesday again. And it was getting freezing and it was tough. He was gaining weight. I was losing weight. The weight stayed on the frame of the screen, but it was switched. Yeah, different parts of the screen. You're like the number 10, right?

So we're in this little puddle jumper, which probably now with my vast knowledge of planes, it was probably a Lear 25. It was really like an MRI with wings. Yeah. It was just two of us hunched in facing each other, and then they'd have a handler for Farley, Eric Newman. Oh, Jesus. And he would sit next to us, and Farley would reach under the seat and go, I eat when I'm nervous. And then, because there was turbulence, and then we'd be in the car driving, and he'd have another butterfinger. I'm like...

Are you nervous to be in the car now? And he's like, a little. So he's eating all the time. A little. But that particular time, we're all burned out. I'm sure it was toward the end of the shoot. We're both fucking dying. It's like an old married couple. We're fucking fighting all the time. We're never apart. So he goes, when's the call tomorrow? I'm like, I don't know, 6. And it's probably 1 a.m. we're landing. Or whatever it was. We landed whenever. And he said, he goes, I'm feeling sick. I think I got the flu or something. I'm going to go in and crash. I go, all right.

not saying what I'm doing I'm just saying you're out got it so I get to the Four Seasons I think I call you and say what are you doing want to go have a drink so we go just to the bar and have one drink I'm still like whatever we don't tell Farley of course we don't we see him every goddamn fucking day and then the next day I get up I go in and make up oh I go to his room and he already left which is weird

Because that's when housekeeping started. Housekeeping! And then he would go... I go, you know it's me every day. We put that in the movie because it was just happening every day and he fell for it every single day. So then we get to the set and he's looking at me in the makeup mirror and I'm like, what's up everybody? And he's just staring at me, biting his lip, which is about to have a fight. That was the... That's his tail. Oh yeah, that's right, his tail. He put the tongue in. That's so right. God, I'd forgotten that. And he looks at me and he goes...

I go, how's your night? And he goes, good, good. Are you feeling all right? And he goes, hmm. How's Rob Lowe? And I go, I guess he had heard that we were together. I don't even know how he heard. And I go, oh, I haven't seen him yet. Hmm. How's Rob Lowe? I go, how's Rob Lowe? I don't know. What do you mean? He goes, hmm. Where's Rob Lowe? Where's your fucking precious Rob Lowe? I go, I don't know. And he goes, how was drinks last night? And I go, oh, yeah.

Is that where we're getting at? Yeah, I don't know. It was all right. We had a drink, went to bed. Oh, so you call fucking Rob Lowe so you can have a little date with him, but you don't call me? I go, I don't call you. I don't know. Remember the last word off the wire was you were sick. You were going home. You were sick. We had a big day today. So you call Rob Lowe. I go, yes. You can call him Rob. I think we don't know who it is at this point.

And then we get on the set and he's still just staring at me smoking. And we're outside of a scene. I can remember this. I do too. And inside, I think it's you and Bo maybe. I remember it. Maybe Denny. I don't know who was in the scene. It was Bo. I remember. We're at the house. Pete Siegel's the director. So we're outside waiting. I'm dying and we're freezing and we're waiting for some camera problem. So I'm eating a tuna fish sandwich on the ground. This is the part I knew. I knew about the tuna fish sandwich. I'm trying to live because I have to eat all the time.

And Farley's just over me staring at me smoking a cigarette. How's Rob Lowe? And I'm like, I don't know if we're talking about this more or less. I don't know what to say. Rob's great. He's in the scene. I'm going over my lines. And then he can't stand that it's not going anywhere. So he comes and steps on my hand, my tuna, with his big fucking boots. Those big fucking red wing boots? And I go, ow, with all his thousands of pounds. And I go, ow, you fuck. And then I have my Diet Coke in my hand, so I just throw it on him.

And he gets up and he pushes me down these stairs. There's like four stairs. And right when I get to the bottom and stand up, like, are we in a fight? And they go, action on the walkie. And we just stare at each other. And then we turn and we walk in. And I walk in the door. And this is my recollection. I walk in the door and I see you guys. And someone says something. And I'm just staring and my heart's beating. And then Pete goes, Spades line. And then someone yells it. And I still don't say it. And then I go, fuck. And then I just walk out.

And Pete goes, I'm taking a five. Because no one knew what was going on. No one knew what was going on. I remember. I thought you'd had a heart attack. I went to my trailer. Farley went to his. I go, oh, we'll be shut down for days over this because I'm not talking to this asshole for like ever. And then Fred came in my room. Fred Wolf, the writer. Fred Wolf, the writer. Bob Weiss came in. The producer. Henchman. Pete probably went to you and Farley and me and they did the rounds. Farley went out and tackled Skippy.

Because he was so mad he had to hit a guy his size. Skippy was a guy that worked for Pete that was about three plus pounds, 300. And he just went up and tackled him just because he had so much anger. And then... I remember you guys used to fight over me. There's a whole thing about we went to the jacuzzi one night at the Four Seasons. Do you remember that one? Well, I'm sure if you were in a bathing suit, it was really going to up the fucking ante. Yeah.

I mean, listen, we had a blast. All my memories of Tommy Boy, and with you on that, were fun. The movie was fun. It was stressful. All movies are hard. You wish you could enjoy how much the movie will be remembered at the time. Like if they told you, this movie is going to be one of the ones I'll remember forever. This one, maybe not. So you kind of walk through it. Yeah.

But Tommy Boy I hear about more than anything. I mean, I hear Joe Dirt, but Joe Dirt is just me, so I appreciate that. Right. And that movie's Farley. So we had great seats for Farley. So I love it. And I'm just glad to be a part of something. And I know people go, do you get mad if people ask about old movies? I said, no, because you want to be remembered for something. You don't want to have nothing on your resume. And

People did buh-bye forever and they go, you get sick of that? I go, no, I went to SNL to get a catchphrase. I mean, I never thought I would. And you get something that people remember and that was like a success. That means it worked. I went my whole career without a catchphrase until I did Parks and Recreation. See, Parks and Recreation. And I got literally. That's why we called the podcast literally. See? I was so excited. You'd have thought I'd won a fucking Academy Award. Yeah.

But those things mean a lot. Yeah, they do. People come up to you in the street and they go, bye-bye. Or they go, I literally... And Perkins. They do all my little fucking stupid catchphrases. But they like that you were on a good show that was well done and it's great to have out there. And then you do one more thing. And then, listen, obviously everything we do, we try to do the best. I don't set out to do movies that don't do well. But...

They don't always, from the second you read them till, you know, when you shoot them and the editing, they can get the ball dropped anywhere along the way. The collaborative nature of what we do is, you know, for the average person, they just, there's no way they would know because they're not in it. But your performance can be ruined or made great or the movie can be ruined by music, by editing, by anything.

So it's like, it really is like the old, it takes a village. If it's good, it's on everybody. And that's why bands fight. And that's why there's trouble on sets because you don't agree with the director and you can see it going in a direction that you know it's not going to work or you think you know it's not going to work. And that's where the collaborative and creative differences happen. But that's why everyone eventually tries to do their own thing because you'd rather sort of live or die by whatever you decide. So I do my own show is hard because it's,

I don't want all those decisions. I want some of them. I don't want a thousand percent of them. And your new show is great on Comedy Central. So every night? Monday through Thursday. So four nights. Did you just go out and invent it? Because there's so few like late night slots open. It started with my Instagram stories and then people from studios were DMing me to say, you know, I just happen to watch these and they're so weird and different. Maybe...

is there anything here that you could do on TV for us? And so I didn't really think of that. I thought, I don't know if it's a little wispy because there's really low pressure on an Instagram story. Right. It's free. You stumble upon it. Yep. You get kind of a laugh. You go, all right. And it's sort of an acquired taste. And then I thought, well, Instagram as a whole is such a new, weird, this is a couple of years ago, you know? So it's spun from that to do a pilot about it. We called it Verified. Verified.

And then we said, because comedians are funny. It had no plan to have any stars on it. It was just like, let's just get comedians. They're all good. They've all had a Netflix special. They're all headliners. They sell out everywhere. Just get them in there and let's try that. And so we tried that as a pilot. I think Chrissy Teigen came on and Whitney Cummings and...

We had like a fun panel. And then now that spun into they liked it and tested well. And they said, let's do it every night. And we're like, oh, so you sort of got to upgrade from a pilot. It was going to be once a week. Every night is way better because you can get some momentum going. And so it turned into they start saying, what if you had more stars? It's funny because I

People just seem to want that even if they don't want it. You know what I mean? If it doesn't even mean it's good or bad. And sometimes it's hard if you put someone, an actor, an actor out there, the show starts to move quickly with, it's not just a sit down bullshit discussion show. It's supposed to be, but because people are pretty sharp, it moves a little quicker. So I've said no to some people because I don't want to put them in the line of fire. Like if we had someone on, I didn't think, didn't think understood exactly how it worked.

They might look bad. I don't want them to look bad. Well, since you brought that up. You know what I'm saying? You know, you hosted my roast, which was fucking amazing and you were great. I forgot about that too. That was great. Great. But talk about somebody I don't think understood was our girl. Ann Coulter. Ann Coulter. Oh. I don't think she, I honestly don't think she understood. By the way, she took a huge chunk of jokes off me and probably you because she was a late addition and it was the best thing that could happen for us. Yeah.

And the show, not for her. No, it got to the point where I hadn't come up yet because, you know, they go at the end. And my jokes were good and mean. Like, I wanted everybody to be mean to me and I wanted to be mean. Everybody was, it was, I had so much fun. It was fucking great. It was fucking, fucking amazing. So many smart jokes thrown around. Smart jokes. It's great. Really great. It's really a great roast if you haven't seen it. It's great. But Anne got...

Hummled. Hummled. So much so that like I didn't- I felt bad. I was like, whoa. I didn't want to look at her. I kept saying to Peyton Manning, I was sitting next to Peyton, I was like, I can't look. I can't look over there. How is she? And he's like, it's not good. Because I didn't want to look over and then really feel bad for her and then like lay off my jokes. Yeah. I didn't, you know-

Well, Peyton's over there weathering 15 Zika baby jokes about him. About his head. Yeah. But it was a brutal roast. The fun thing about the roast that I like, I think Jeff is responsible for that, Ross, that we don't know the other person's jokes. I think people think we do. No, we don't. So you don't know the tone. So here's the way it works if you always wonder. So they call me up out of the blue and they go...

We'd like to roast you. I'm a huge fan of the roast. I've watched all of them. I happen to love the genre. So I was really, really excited. And I went to Cheryl Lowe, who I run everything by. And she was like, you can't do that. She's like, you're not going to do it. There's no way. I go, why?

She goes, because you're going to be embarrassed in front of the whole country. I said, honey, that ship has sailed. And then she goes, well, do they pay you? And I said, yeah. I told her how much they pay. She goes, oh my God, we have to do it. They do pay well. They pay, dude. Yeah. Shockingly for- You get paid.

Hey. Yeah, it's nice. So, for the pain. So, we do it, but you work with great writers and they write jokes for you and you help them as much as you can, but you never know what the other people are going to say. Like, I had no idea what you were going to say, no idea what the, and vice versa. So, it's a free fire zone. Yes. That's the best part. And when you go to the comedy store,

They go, Nikki Glazer's here. And I go, okay, I'll wait. And I wait in the parking lot. And then she tries her material and then comes out and she goes, oh, you're on? All right, I'll get out of here. And I remember coming into rehearsal, seeing you and saying hi, and you had finished. And then they go, we got to wait till Rob's out of here. Or one of us was leaving, one was coming. Yeah.

So the other guy could do their jokes. And I like that because then you're genuinely laughing that night. Oh my God. I laughed so hard at, at, at so many jokes. And there's always somebody who's the, the, the sleeper, the crushes that you never think is going to crush. And we had a lot of them that Jimmy Carr had not been known really to American people. And there's also what I find is sometimes unknown comedians are going the deepest because they want to get in the headlines of like, can you believe that they said that it was so rough, but yeah,

As the person getting roasted, I think it would be hard to have someone that you don't know ripping into you that hard. That is... If it's for self-serving purposes. That is true. And again, I think I got spared because the deep dive, real ripping went to Ann Coulter. Yes. And also, yours can be peppered around. You were a little harder when we were writing because you're...

There's some things to poke fun of, but nothing really horrible has happened to you or something horrible you can hang your hat on. It's just a bunch of things sort of to make fun of you. So it doesn't hurt as much. There's a couple things I pulled because I know you and I said, you know what? His family's here. And I go, this one, I just don't think we need it. And then...

And then everyone else sort of went all out warfare, but. Oh yeah, for sure all out warfare. But I didn't want you to hear it from me. Thank you. I looked out and one of my wife's best friends is Maria Shriver and she was sitting in the front row and she literally, the color had drained. I think Maria thought she was witnessing. She had no idea what she was walking through. She thought she was witnessing another assassination. That's what you should have said. Oh my God. Maria, do you think you're seeing another assassination? Hold that thought. We'll be right back.

All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I'll never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel.

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While you still can. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating McDonald's for a limited time while supplies last. I want to know what your secret is for the... Filmography is one thing, but your illustrious love life is... Like life. I'm just going to come out and ask it. Yes. It's been rumored on the street. Do you have...

I know what you're going to ask. You know what I'm going to ask. Yeah. Are the rumors true? Are you an elephant man? No. But you know what? I think it's good to think that because- No shit. Yeah, I think it's good to think that. No, I think girls say that. I would hate that. Because- I would hate if people were like, you know who's got a fucking gigantic- No, it's- Rob Lowe. That guy's like- Rob's fart. Nobody says it about me. I mean- What happens is, Robert, is-

I think they need a reason to say they went out with me. And all the girls that you date are actually also really cool. Yeah. The one I'm seeing now is this girl. The one sounds bad. I'm seeing someone for a long time. That's not good. You better back that one up. I'm seeing someone right now that I was friends with first for a long time and now we're together and it's the same thing. Very fun. Very funny to me. Very charming. Has her own stuff going on. Obviously really funny.

Pretty to me, of course. And we get along great. So I'm trying to be normal. It's very hard. I mean, I think I would love to blame my crazy upbringing, but I don't know what to blame. I just couldn't. It's very tough for me. It's very tough. This is the first time I'm trying to get things right. No, I'm surprised. I don't mean it in a bad way. I'm surprised to hear that you're going for it. I don't know what's hard about it. It's just hard because I think it's – there's another psychological part about it.

when you know everything's finalized like that, like let's say you're married and you have a job, then it's almost like in your head a waiting game to like, it's all over. Like what's left that's a question mark in your life? Oh yeah, for sure. What's different? What could be fun still? And that's,

more my problem than someone I was seeing. It's more me going, I have to look at it differently because it's such a positive thing to be with someone I like. And then I remember, listen, you know, I was pretty aggressively single in my day. Aggressive is a good word for that. Right. Well, what can you, I mean, famous and good looking, I mean, fucking shit. What could go wrong? Just like, it's too good to be true and you can't even control you. I mean, I wouldn't, no one knows what to do. I had a little fame. I got like a,

I was in the penny saver in an ad once and I was walking around like I was King Kong. I see how it gets to you, you know? And SNL, I was such gradually famous that it saved my head. If I was Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber and The Mask in a row, Jim Carrey, I don't know how he... Yeah, I don't know how you do it. I see him more lately because he did the show and now we've sort of reconnected. But I'm still stunned over three monsters like that. I don't think I could handle it. There's nowhere to go. They're too good.

No. Three hilarious comedies. Yeah, they're not only hits, but they're also great. Great. And Monsters, and he's great in them. And out of the blue, you're like, what the fuck? And then another one, then another one. And you go, it doesn't work like that. Sandler's had a run at $100 million movies. He probably has 10. How many Sandler movies you been in? I've probably only been in about 40. Yeah, I think that's about right. I don't know. I've probably been in...

I mean, I sort of come in the fine print, you know what I mean? They're like, there you go, Sandler. And I go, hello. And they go, oh, he's with you? It was in the deal. Do you think you're his good luck charm? Well, I also was in Jack and Jill. But I will say, I think he made a smart move with grownups, which is like doing the Golden State Warriors. Like, get guys that have their own movies and we'll all be in one. Right. When there's a lot of competition, it was a good trick.

And then he sort of, when we shot it, spread out the jokes. So we all got to score. Yeah, everybody gets to score on those. Because we'd all write jokes for him. Adam, why don't you say this? And he goes, no, you say that. No, give that one to Rock. No, no, it'd be funnier if Kevin said that. And so in the editing, you can also change it too, but he spread them around again. And that movie was like good family, not dirty, funny movie. And the second one too, so...

I think we should do another one like that, if not that exactly. But I like that. And I think he's good at that. Does – there's a period where I'm pretty sure he chose his movies based on what hotels he wanted to stay in. Like Michael Caine? Did you ever do any of those movies where it was like, oh, this is all clearly shot at the Four Seasons Maui? I didn't get the Hawaii ones. Yeah, I didn't get those. I didn't get Just Go With It. I didn't get –

Because he doesn't do interviews. I know I'm never going to get him. So I'm just going to ask you all the questions I wanted to ask. Okay. So does Adam Sandler have wardrobe or does he just like whatever he rolls in on that? Because he, in all his movies, he looks the way I do. On your way to the set? On my way to the set. Yeah. It is true that when I was doing Grown Ups, we'd go in there and if you go in his fucking Mongo trailer. Right. Like you go past the weight room.

Does he have a weight room, really? He's got like a solo flex, Nordic track, all the new stuff. I hear those trailers are amazing. One day I'm going to be big enough. It's good because you go in there and watch TV because it's big and it's got a big screen. And then he tries to explain to you why you're in a two-banger. Lingo! The funny thing is Sandler's wearing a striped T-shirt. We have a striped T-shirt on the bed for his word over the day. Then there's a rack of T-shirts and big shorts. And so I don't even know. Actually, grown-ups...

Two was filmed in one day, so whatever you wore was for the day. It was kind of fun because once you picked it, it's fun for a while, but then you're like, shit, this is driving me nuts. But he was wearing a striped T-shirt, I think, when he went in that day and he had his coffee. And I went in his trailer at the beginning, and he had all his stuff laid out, and the wardrobe person was there. He's like, yeah. Looks at it all and goes, I'll just wear this. And they're like, okay.

You do understand, but they don't talk to him like that. They go, oh, so to wear it in the whole movie. That's, yeah, like I got it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like, yeah, great, great, great. None of this news surprises me. I've seen the movies. Stripes are evergreen. And so he wore a shirt. I wore...

I still have my outfit. Saving it for Planet Hollywood, Orlando. You have Planet Hollywood, for sure. Donate it. And it's fun to have the same outfits laying around. All I know is if I'm looking at the David Spade exhibit in Planet Hollywood, Orlando, I'm not looking for fucking shirts. You know what? I want the trucker hats. I got some trucker hats from grownups. I got a...

Joder wig. I've got Joder janitor outfit. You know the coolest thing I ever saw that Jamie Lee Curtis saved, I don't know if she still does, but she saved the slates, you know, the things they put in for action. And she had them from like Halloween and all the way up. I thought that was such a good thing. That's a good thing to steal. Yeah. I always want something from the movies. I don't. Because now they do estate sales where they'll

the estate of Elvis Presley, the estate of Marilyn Monroe. The estate of David Spade? You think in that far ahead? It's like William Shatner. It's like, you know, Benny from LA Law. They're sort of toning it down a little bit, but it used to be like just Elvis, Marilyn, Michael Jackson, anything in their house now, literally. They're closed. So people are doing that. So one day, Harper, my daughter, I'll say, Harper, you sell this Joe Dirt wig. I don't care. Don't get too attached to it. You sell it. You sell it. You put your kids through college. Yes.

You do the right thing. You have the skin of a young baby. My skin is not bad. No, I'm saying it's the skin of a young baby. I think you and I are about the same age. I'm not going to say what it is, but I think we're very close. My birthday was this week. It was? Oh, you might be older now.

But we're very close. We're very close. Let's talk off the air. Yeah, let's. I know so many people look up to us. Because we don't want anybody to go to Google. Nobody can Google. We want to keep this a mystery. I know. She's lying about her age. How? I know. I want to know how. Lying is almost a thing of the past. I hate to say it, but lying is going away. Yeah. It sucks. It sucks.

I want to, she's 40-ish. The way it's, the business is so changed, it's all for the good, obviously, but I would get script. First of all, there are no love scenes in movies. You ever notice that? They don't exist. Like James Bond. They don't exist. I mean, Bond does, but even that. James Bond doesn't really even do that. He barely does it. They might just show them walking into the room and it's the next day. When I would get scripts-

I would turn to page 73. Always. First thing I would do. It was always page... The love scene, if there was one... Oh, really? It was always going to be on page 73. Because figure, it's the middle of the second act. Yeah. It's the hardest part to write. It's the most boring part of a movie. And there was always a love scene. I didn't even know that. Every single time. Yeah, I didn't know that was the most boring part. It makes sense now. Oh, yeah. 100%. And they don't do them anymore. I did a movie called Masquerade, which was ahead of its time. It's a good movie. I'm really proud of it. But you look back and you're like...

Kim Cattrall is in that movie. Was that Mannequin? Pre-Mannequin. Is it where you're dating a mannequin? Jesus Christ.

Or is that Mannequin? Yeah, yeah. It's a great movie. It's ahead of its time and I'm proud of it. I'm dating a mannequin. It sounds like Mannequin. Yeah, that's... That was Andy McCarthy. It was old Andy McCarthy. You were in St. Elmer's Fudge. Everyone remembers that one. Oh my God, I forgot about that. I think if you guys be in the studio right now, Spade's eyes lit up just now. Oh, you were in St. Elmer's Fudge. Oh, I'm excited.

Where is your list of questions? Have we asked one yet? No. No? That's why it's easy because... All right, you want to know questions? Give me one last one because I got to go. I got to... All right. He's got a list, I'm telling you, of like 300 questions and only two are like... Highlighted? Yeah. It's based on the old Proust questionnaire on the end of Vanity Fair. You ever do Vanity Fair? No.

I have. Just kidding. You're not kidding. I guarantee you have. It's true. Have you? Oh, yeah. I did Rolling Stone, but back when it was hard to get on the cover. It was hard. I was on the cover of St. Elmer's Fud. You were on another one like that, weren't you? Like that. I've had my share of covers, David. All right. We're going to do our – we'll end here with our – Speed round. Our speed round here. The Stones or the Beatles? The Stones.

The thing you need to know about the... I have to say, I hate to say Beatles. You have to. Yeah. I think you have to. I love Beatles. I think, you've met Mick, all of them, right? Did, I have a photo of me doing promos with Mick. So good. I have at my house. It was,

Phil Hartman is Clinton. And Luke Perry was a host. And I was giving promos. When you're a scrub, they put you in charge of promos, but they think you're a big writer again. So I walk out there, I go, what I think, Lorne, Mick, if you could just stand on your mark, you know what a mark is? And then I just try to act cool. But I did get with the host and the music every week. That was fun. That's really good. But I met Mick there. He doesn't remember. Lorne put him on the phone once as a cold call to say, hey,

I think it'd be funny, Mick's doing this thing. David, you're a great joke writer. Hang on, Mick, this is one of our writers, David. And he goes, hello. And it was a cold call. I go, the fuck? But I tried to pitch some garbage to him.

Okay, Mick. And then the Beatles I love. Beatles love. And I love McCartney and I see him every time I can. If you could take any drug without- Oh, I'm sorry. I took too long on that answer. No, no. It was really good. Right, right. It was a fucking 50-50 shot. I had to hear about cold calls. I know. I had to go back to Michael's. You know, when I first heard an AM radio- Oh, wait. Forget the drug question. If you could see a UFO-

A ghost? Wow. Or Bigfoot? I'm really playing along, aren't I? I'm not rolling my eyes at these questions. I would say- That's why I don't have my own real talk show. I believe in UFOs. Yeah, for sure. Have you seen one? No. I think as much as I believe they're real, I don't think I can handle it. And I think that's what the government thinks. I think they're right. Do you know who has the most gnarly UFO story? Robin Roseanne.

Is that Mike's wife? Mike Meyer's ex-wife. Oh, really? Oh. Crazy.

But you believe it, right? Oh, no, no. It's a famous story. It's in New Jersey where like hundreds of people saw it. It came up a street. Everybody was out on the street. Every neighbor, every friend watching. Whoa, whoa, whoa, come over. Yeah. But I believe because Phoenix had it when I was there. I didn't see it. And the Phoenix Lights are a big one. Were you living there when the Phoenix Lights happened? I wasn't there. I was on the road doing a gig. That's a big, big, big thing. It's a mile wide fucking spaceship that sat there for 45 minutes.

And people are like, I don't know. And then the governor said it was a joke. And then five years later when he wasn't, he said it was 100% real. I couldn't say it. They wouldn't let me. I was like, but there's enough. I'm just saying, I don't know physically if I could compute it and deal with it. I'd be so fucking scared to death. And I think that's why they're inching us information about it. Like you see the Navy thing where they see it and then- Oh yeah, they're leaking it out. And they're leaking it to go, guys, it's like say-

I'll tell you a story. You're like, fuck no. When I was a kid, Rob, everyone can tune out. My dad said, this reminds me of UFOs. My dad said, do you guys want to play Monster? I was four. My brothers were six and eight. And we go, what's that? He goes, I pretend I'm a monster. And I wrestle around and just grab you guys. Davey, I know you know this. Do you get the game? I said, yes. I go, it's called Monster. It's only a fake name. I'm not a monster. I'm going to fake grab you and tackle you. And I'll make noises like a monster.

And I go, but you're my dad. He goes over it a hundred times. He goes, here we go for the fake game. I'm a monster. I go, holy fuck, there's a monster. I ran into the kitchen, grabbed my knife and said, mom, I'll save you. She looks away. I run and I dive and stab him in the leg. And this reminds me of why they're not telling us my UFOs. Cause we're like, we can handle it. And we're fine with it. And then there's a UFO and we fucking freak out. Did you stab me? Stabbed him in the leg and his Bermuda shorts, blood everywhere.

How did you not understand the rules? The rules are pretty easy to follow. I thought I understood, Rob, and I'm telling you, I thought I got it. And when he went in, he's a great actor. I don't know. And my brother's like, what the fuck is this guy doing? I go...

It's called thank you. I saved you from the monster. And then I go, wait, he's turning back into dad because he's screaming at me and hitting me. Dad, I know I love. So you think we'll all be like that? No, we're ready. We're totally ready. Yes, I think it's too overwhelming. The odds are 100% that we'd be alone in the universe. I still, my roommate when I was- Can I get a little more alien? Eat my move. Ah, so good. Take me to your codeine cough syrup. I don't know. I can't spare that.

David's putting his hat on now. That's a very subtle way of saying he's done with this interview. And he's checking his phone. Even my stories are boring me now. I know. I mean, yours are horrible, but mine...

No, but Rob, I just want to summarize and say... I just want to say this before we all go. I just want to say this. This is our good nights. This is our good nights. We're going to go to a party that nobody else has invited to. We should have the music come up like that. We will. Believe me, I've got really good music. I've got to pull the ripcord. This has been great. Yeah. Everyone's pleading. Everyone's pleading. Please stop. Shit's hit the fan. Thank you, bud. And you've been great. I'm glad we got to talk about all this stuff.

You're a big star. I'm glad we're buddies. That's good. We've been pals a long time through a lot of fucking crazy lifestyle. A lot of tuna sandwiches, a lot of roasts. A lot of throwing down staircases. Yeah. Miss you already. This is good. Thank you. People always ask me, are you really going to ask those dumb questions at the end from the Prowse questionnaire or whatever? They're so boring. But every time I do it, it's like all of a sudden I've known David Spade for – I've

Now he tells me he stabbed his father? At the end of the interview? It would be the first thing I would say if I were on a podcast. I'd be like, I got a great story. I stabbed my father once. But David Spade, no, no, no, no. We want to talk about Farley. Then we get the stabbed dad story. This is why we podcast people. This is why we're here. Also, let's face it, I asked him if he had a big dick. And you're not going to get that on Marc Maron.

Or Joe Rogan. Those guys can all take a back seat. I'm sorry. It's the truth. Anyway, thanks for playing. We will do this again. You have been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe. Produced and engineered by me, Devin Tory Bryant.

Executive produced by Rob Lowe for Lowe Profile. Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Stitcher. The supervising producer is Aaron Blair. Talent producer, Jennifer Sampras. Please rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts. And remember to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.

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