Iliza Shlesinger: Ty Cobb Salad
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Hi. Wait, do I hear like a weird, I'm hearing something. You are. We're canceling it. There's workers in my house and we're breaking the news to them now that they have to stop. I love that. It keeps my concentration thing of acting when leaf blowers are going. You know, I think it's good practice for us. I love that you said us, like you included me in the acting group.

Yeah. I mean, come on. You're the new wave. At 38, I'm an old wave, but I am crashing in as hard as I can. Hi, everybody. What are you guys doing right now? What are you doing this? Some of you are on a treadmill. Some of you are headed back to work. Some of you are getting ready to go to sleep. This is what I hear because I do read the comments. So whatever you're doing, you're about to enjoy this talk.

with Eliza Schlesinger. And she's just so smart and funny and delish. Delish. That's what Robert Wagner used to call people. He's just delish. And I haven't used it to describe one of my guests until this very moment. Stand by. Eliza Schlesinger on the way. Can I just start by saying two things, even though it's your podcast? You can do whatever you want. What if I did an ad for, like, Casper? Um...

No, I like a lot of people my age. My first intro to you was Wayne's World. Yes. And because of you, a whole generation knows like the tiniest bit of Cantonese. Yes, of course. And like I have those to this day, like I have some of your lines memorized. Oh, you're kidding. Yeah.

What was it like? You pick up the phone and you're like, why? And then I don't want to like imitate the Cantonese. If I get it wrong, I'll get canceled. Yeah. Yeah. It's at Suna Pepsi Cola Mountain Dew. And then you say like you found out. And then you look at Wayne and you go picked up a bit of Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Hong Kong as opposed or Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong. And she goes, I was born in Kowloon Bay.

Anyway, I love you. The Kowloon Bay part was an ad lib. I just I had actually just gotten back from there and I I threw that that in there and they were there. They let me keep that. But that was it's great. That is also is that I also like that scene where we're.

She goes, I've never had French champagne before. I know. All champagne is from France. It's named after the region. Just a dick. It goes to a white wine. Oh, he was. But you know what? I look back and I'm like, I don't know if Benjamin was like, and then when you're holding the snake at the end, I felt so bad. Like, I'm like, as a person now who like really works for a living, I'm like, I don't think

Benjamin was that bad of a guy. I think Wayne needed to grow up a little. Like, there should be a part three, which is like your version. You're like, I'm hot, she's hot, she's with a loser. I'm just trying to make a record. I don't know. Just trying to make a record and, you know, and maybe have some ratings. Maybe have some ratings? Hot Tia Carrera? Yeah.

She was very hot in that and good. Yeah. She was very hot and good. And Mike and Dana had never done a movie. They literally did not know what a mark was on the floor because in SNL you don't have them.

Right. It's just like land your line wherever. I was like, this is a mark you need to stand here. The camera's not going to be you're not going to be in focus. Oh, it is the hardest part that nobody tells you about because, you know, you want to move and you forget like a huge part of this is actually just you being in frame. It actually is a lot to remember, not only the lines, but like where to stand. People don't talk about that. No, they don't talk about the fact that.

If the camera doesn't capture it, it doesn't matter how good you are. Yeah, nobody talks about that with good reason because the world is on fire and these are small problems. Yes, these are definitely not earth-shaking issues. But that said...

Yeah, better learn them if you're going to be in this business. You better learn it or else you won't have a part. Yeah, that's. You studied, in doing my little research. Wikipedia jaunt. You studied Mandarin, right?

At least that's what that's what one says. That's what I hear about you when you were in high school. I want to I want to yes and that so bad. But I think you may have looked up someone else because if by Mandarin you mean seven years of Spanish and I can still only speak in the present tense, then yes, I took Mandarin. It's just like Spanish. It's just it's just as easy. Yeah, they're they're very similar root languages.

root languages. They both come from the same, from the same Google search. Because I was going to, yeah, I was going to be very impressed if that were true. Well, that just goes to show you, have you ever looked at your Wikipedia page and gone, what, wait, I'm sorry, what? No. You know, Rob Lowe, I really try not to. I remember for the longest time, and this may still be there. It's kind of like,

This like land that I left a long time ago and I try not to think about what has happened. Kind of like the land of chew and swallow. Like I left and I don't know what happened to it. For the longest time, like one of the first lines was just like, she is a comedian. She is Jewish. And I was like, that feels really unnecessary to point out up top. And it feels weirdly pointed. Like there's something weird about it. Yeah. It's actually probably a pretty boring page, but.

I never look at it. I'm obsessed with people's hair, mostly men's. Because you have great hair. And you know when you were the most glamorous is in behind the candelabra. I love that. You, just the look and the takes they got out of you and just like the looks you gave and the hair and the face. It was just, you're like, I kind of want that doctor in my life.

Like as like a gonzo doctor friend, just like randomly prescribing stuff. Don't you? That was great. Yeah. Thank you. I had more fun doing that. And I want that doctor in my life. Just like okaying everything. Take these pills. It's fine. Everything. Oh, and it's going to look fabulous. That.

That voice. Do you remember the men's warehouse commercials? You're going to look, I guarantee it. That's where I stole the voice from. That's the voice. Oh my God. See folks, inspiration can come from anywhere. Anywhere. That is so funny. I guarantee it. Now if you look, now if you ever watch it, it's like just a shameless absolute rip of that voice. You're going to like the way you look.

That's the voice. You're a little, I think yours is like a little bit sultrier if that's a word. I don't remember him being, what was his name? I'm trying to remember it now. I know. Google him. George Zimmer. That's because I grew up in Dallas and I remember my dad was in the menswear business and like really done some. Oh yeah. And so that you're going to love the way you look. I guarantee it. Like that New York Jewish, like that voice.

I even say guarantee, I think, because of him. I guarantee it. It was so inculcated in my mind. I just was like, I knew I was going to be doing this movie with, you know, two fantastic actors who I admire and they were going to be just fucking teeing off. You just knew it, right? Just teeing, fucking swinging for the fences. Chewing up that scenery. And I was like, well, I'm going to get eaten alive if I don't...

come up with something. You're like, I got to fuck up my face and have a weird voice. I got to do. I mean, it was like the most shameless actory actors and thing to do. But I was like, I got to do something. And yeah, God bless.

Soderbergh was like, no, go for it, man. Go do your thing. And it was like, you're so good looking. Get get weird. We'd love to see. Just tone it down. Tone down that jaw. Just turn it up. I think turn it up. You facetuned Rob Lowe and what you became was a white woman from Palm Springs. Yes.

I also, the other thing I think you'll appreciate because you create such great characters is, and I want to talk to you about what goes into your noggin when you're coming up with them was, I was like, I wanted to be like one of the guys you would see at the Laker games in the late 80s with really good seats, but not great seats. Oh, that's a great comp. Right? Yeah.

I thought you were going to say James Goldstein. Well, I cannot believe you know James Goldstein. How do you know James Goldstein? But how do you know of James Goldstein? Oh, my. I'm very impressed. I'm just a person who lives in L.A. who keeps my finger on the pulse. You do. I went to a like tennis charity. I don't know what it was. Event forever ago at his house. He wasn't there. He's so rich. He's just like, yeah, I use my Gatsby. He throws how he throws parties and doesn't use a Gatsby. Yes. Yes.

That's exactly what it is. And, you know, he's just sort of like L.A. local celebrity icon. I saw him crossing the street. He's like Angeline. He is like Angeline. 100% like Angeline. That's exactly what he's like. So James Goldstein, for those of you who don't live in L.A. Oh, man. But if you do watch sports.

And you keep your eyes peeled. Basketball only. He sits on the floor. Yeah. In a full leather, Evel Knievel, Elvis, late Elvis style jumpsuits. Like, do you remember what Michael Jackson wore on his like dangerous tour? Like all those buckles and leather. That's what James Goldstein wears. And a cowboy hat.

And a cowboy hat. If Tom Petty was left out in the sun, but had access to all the leather workers in the world and buckles and bedazzling, that's James Goldstein. If Tom Petty's face had was more leathery than the actual leather.

he was wearing. And he, for those of you that don't know, he only is ever with like smoking hot models. He has like what can only be like, I don't know if you've ever seen a picture of Vladimir Putin's house in Russia. It looks like something a villain has. He just like has this like spaceship mansion in Beverly Hills up in the hills. And I think he made his money on real estate. But this guy just like lives the life. He loves basketball. I think

what does his business card say? His business card, will you ask Noah? We'll go get Noah. His business card says something like fashion, basketball, real estate, or like, it's just like three things that define him. Here's my favorite. He has seasoned seats to the Lakers and hates the Lakers. That's a special kind of weird to like,

endorse a brand by giving it your money, but you're hate watching it because in the end, the brand wins. Brand wins. Right? Like he's associated with them. But yeah, it's so funny that you say that because that was for sure in my mind. That's so funny. I mean, you're right. It's more like the, that absolutely had a little bit to do with it. But, but in the end of the day, James is, he's a baller. He's cool. So I was like, what would be the lesser, uh,

What would be the lesser man's version of him? And that's the doctor. More feminized. Like you're a little bit more glam. Like I think you had lip gloss on. Your hair was definitely flat ironed. Oh, yeah. What does it say? Oh, I know. Fashion architecture, basketball. Fashion architecture, basketball. What a great business card. No multi hyphenate. No producer. It's just like, here's what I'm into.

Fashion, architecture, basketball. Fab. I like that he has a business card. Just to let you know what he's into. Like my business card would say like my dog Sour Patch Kids reruns a Frasier. No contact info. I like that. I wonder what mine would say. I might have to think of that. That's a really good parlor game. Yeah.

That's a really good parlor game. I like parlor games. I like, cause I'm a big baseball fan too. I like to think of what would be my walk up song be, you know, you have to have, you have to do that. And like, you get like five bars of any song. And I was, I was thinking it's probably eminence front and the who. Okay. A little dated and a little white. I know it's very white and very dated. It's okay to be white. I'm white and dated. I mean, you don't get any more. I mean, listen,

I own it. You don't get any more what human than that? White and dated. Like, you know. That's okay. A little past my sell-by date, maybe. No. Are you asking me to validate you, Rob Lowe? I am. I think you're doing okay. I'm just kind of like circling it, hoping for a little something. Oh, you're doing great. Hold the thought. We'll be right back.

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Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. You know what I love about you? One of the things I love is... Tell me. I think you have a very particular talent. Are you ready for the talent that I think you have? Uh-huh. You come up with fucking amazing titles. Oh, thank you. I think your titles for your shit is... They're so good. Wait, I had a bunch of them that I...

wrote down here. I mean, there's, of course, there's War Paint, which I just like because I thought it was like War Horse. Yeah. Is it very similar to War Horse? No, it is. That is not the reference. It's not. It wasn't War Horse. No horses.

It was a reference at the time to the amount of makeup women have to put on and how this is in my early 20s going out. You know, this is battle when you're trying to meet someone. So I figured they actually did. I actually did figure that's what it was. And it's a great title. Freezing Hot is a great title.

Confirmed Kills is a great title. That was my favorite title, to be fair. Confirmed Kills is the it's one of those as we go. Why isn't someone use this already? Because it's so genius. Yeah, because comics, you know, you're supposed to kill. We have I have a whole bit in there about how your grandpa went to war at 15 and what the names we have for our grandparents now like Pip Pop. You're like this guy killed a German with his bare hands and you're naming him like a bunny rabbit.

That's right. But it was a tough... I did a lot of upper body workouts for that one. It was a very tough sort of battle cry versus like dicks and stuff. Like I wanted it to be like a tough thing. Did you go for your full like Demi Moore, G.I. Jane scene? Like where like one-handed push-ups and shit? Did you get like shredded? I did have someone beat me up with my hands tied behind my back. I just did. I just... I just...

I think it's important to, I do a very physical show and I like to do my best to sort of have my physicality match the intent of the material. And so I felt it was a shift in what I'd been talking about and it was a very strong thing. And then for elder millennial,

Which came after that. By the way, another great title. You know what? I invented that term and now it is ubiquitous. And of course, you can't cite me every time you use it because it's just in the ether. But I did come up with Elder Millennial. You heard it here, folks. Anytime you see it in Vogue or a write-up, it was me. I mean, I get what the literal usage of it would be, but what does it come to encompass? The first.

Elder millennial speaks to. So my generation, we are millennials, but we're at that tail end. So we are the elder millennials. We are the eldest of that group because people think millennials, they think people who in like 2006, 2007, 2008, maybe you were in college, but I was already out in my 20s. So we're kind of we have our own little carved out, gerrymandered part of real estate.

And what's the new gen? I saw the new phraseology the other day. It's called, they're called the cancel culture mob. Yes. And when you draw them, it's just people with torches and pitchforks. And phones, an iPhone and a pitchfork. And no one's talking to each other. That's right. iPhones on fire. That's it. A JPEG of a pitchfork. That's what it is. Yeah. That's a Gen Z, very progressive generation. Um,

super idealistic because they're young, but they will see. I also like the way you said it because they all use upspeak. So Gen Z? Gen Z? Everything has a question mark at the end of it. Or is that just here in LA? Like, is that kind of like that surfer culture? No, no, no. There is, it's called upspeak. It's an actual thing, which I love that it's called that. So I was just going to go get some lunch. You know what? I actually prefer that to the sort of lilt thing

That like, and then I was going to go, I'm like doing like a very Jappy Lachlan Island accent, but like, and that like, and we were going to go and I was going to like check my email and like, it's like this lilty melodic. Here's what I hate is when people tell stories.

And then he came over and then she was there and then Bill came over to that and they started doing this, this, and this is the way they say it. And everything's in this rhythm. And what it makes you do when you're listening to this kind of story and when they're talking like this is you just tune out. This is terrible. The example is terrible. The example's terrible. You've tuned out before I've even finished the example. Here's what it is. Mom.

most people are not interesting and most people do not have new information to give you. And so you can develop a shorthand with loved ones and employees to be like, okay, okay, just give me the info. But a lot of people like to hear themselves talk, themselves talk. And, and people, not all people are versed in the art of storytelling. And so, especially as a comic, you want to like, you want to cut the fat as much as possible. You want to get to it. And I actually find with a lot of podcasts, which is why I,

I'm very specific about what I listen to or the ones that I like because everybody thinks they could be a good comic. Everybody thinks they'll be a good host. And so you get these. It drives me crazy. Listen to a podcast and people, you know, they just sort of, I guess, for lack of a better term, are taking their time with it. Is that is that what we're just like laughing at nothing? And you're like.

Speed it the fuck up. Speed the fuck up. And the other thing is, I think it's the end. They've listened to too much NPR. I didn't want to. It is true. It's right. For sure it is. It's like this vacuum, like you're in a vacuum and it's almost ASMR. But I'm really just pontificating and really exploring my sentences because I didn't plan them out. And it's like, who told who gave you the green light?

I'm so glad you're making me feel so much better about the part of myself that's ugly, which is super judgmental. And and like I led with that. That's a part of you. And I've been leading with it. I know. I think it's great. It's like it's great because it's that part where you're in a wedding and somebody's toasting and you're like, really? This is the fucking toast. Really? Oh, man. Oh, right.

Yeah, it's like people don't know before they go and they think this will be great. And then it's so terrible. I mean, I've definitely seen some bad ones. I think judgment has gotten a bad name in our society. Oh, please keep talking. This is your you're doing more for my fucking mental well-being than all my psychiatry.

Sure. Keep going. This is great. I just think the difference is we all talk shit. We all like to get things out. The difference is, are you intentionally harming someone? Like I may think someone's the worst, but I'm not because I'm not a sociopath. I'm not going to go to their Instagram page and be like, you're the kill yourself. I hate you. You're the worst.

you know, or comment on their body or anything. The best thing to do if you don't like a celebrity or if you don't like another actor, another person, you give it no oxygen. We keep feeding stupid people and stupid stories. But this thing where it's like, you know, no judgment, I can't judge. Of course you judge if you don't. You have a brain. That's how we discern what's good and bad, the vibrations we want to be around. So I think it all depends on what are you doing with that judgment? Are you trying to harm someone?

There's nothing wrong with secretly talking shit. I have friends who I have exclusively. We talk shit about the same two people and it's been a decade and it's just this cathartic thing. You just call. Oh, there's no new information. Yeah.

But to act like we don't do it, like, oh, I mean, my biggest red flag is when I see someone in one of those like spiritual gangster shirts or like good vibes only. I'm like, you're a bad vibe because if you only want good vibrations, there cannot be good without bad. You cannot keep it positive 100% of the time. It's exhausting. So we should allow for some scrutiny and some comedy instead of just demanding we all get into a big circle jerk.

And hug. Let's talk it out. Let's judge. But be nice. Right? I agree. And...

You know, when you get when you start judging and listen, you're right, like down to its most essence. How do you think that the cavemen figured out not to put their hand in the fire? They were going to get burned. They made a judgment. Oh, this is hurts. This is this fire is bad. You know, that's it's part of our our nature. I'll do you one better. You know, the expression like turn your back on someone. Yes, this was literally not cavewomen, but probably a thousand years later. If someone didn't like you in the tribe or in the group, they would cast you out.

because you did something. Now at the time, it's probably unforgivable like you ate a bunch of berries, but when someone's a pariah or weird, you turn your back. You literally are saying, we're not going to show you how to catch food or feed yourself. We're putting our backs to you so that you're out in the cold. Yep. And because they judge you and some, you know, you're not going to kill anyone, but not everybody deserves you or to be let in this idea. Do we turn our back and make them a pariah and say,

We don't teach them how to gather food if their sin is just that they're bad storytellers. Yeah, no, I don't know. And also the good news is you can always find another tribe. Right. Right. There's plenty of tribes out there. And I don't know if you, that's a great question too. Does this, do you turn someone into a pariah or were they already that? And now you're kind of bringing up a whole thing about like social rehabilitation and taxes. And I don't have that answer, but at a party, if you're giving me a creep vibe,

I'm going to go stand somewhere else. If in this business, in this career, you get a bad vibe, unless like I want you to green light my show and then I'll pretend like we're best friends. But if it's a bad vibe, you're just like, I don't, you know, you ever meet someone, you're just like, there's something about them that doesn't sit right with me. And then you think it was Harvey Weinstein. No, but it's just true. Yeah, it does happen. It does. It 100% happens. Tell me, I need to hear about non-rom-com-com.

So I've written this movie good on paper. I starred in it and it's going to be on. I don't know when this podcast comes out, but it's out on Netflix June 23rd. Yes, we're billing it. I was saying it's a non rom-com, but Netflix called it a rom-com, which I love. Oh, wait a minute. How great is it when like this when the suits come up with something awesome like that? I out titled the out titled you. Yeah, you're good.

Thank you. I give them all the credit for rom-com because we kept coming up with different ones. And every once in a while you get a, you get a creative person who's like, what about this? And they just sink it from downtown. And you're like, Ooh, yes. Woosh. Woosh. Um, we actually, I watch a lot of basketball in our house. Uh, I don't know if you're a basketball fan, but yes, of course we, uh, my husband prep mentally prepared me. He came in with the most serious face and he was like,

Because he's a diehard Suns fan. And he was like, I just want you to know, going into the playoffs, this was several weeks ago. He's like, they haven't been in the playoffs. This is 92 or something. He's like, and I've been a fan my whole life. And I just want to prepare you because I don't know how I'm going to be.

Like he was acting like he might be different coming home from war. And like he was just preparing me for the emotions that may come from him. And at the end of the day, it's just us sitting on the couch, me looking at my phone and he's just very quiet. Even when they win, he's just like, OK, we've got to get to the next one. Like it changed him metaphysically as a person. Yeah. So been there. But I know all about Devin Booker.

So watch out. The movie is based on a, we call it a true story based on a lie and mostly true story based on a lie. And it is based on something that happened to me.

I dated, I met someone and we became friends. We were friends for about a year and we dated for about three months after that. And we're going back to what you were saying about judging people. I didn't, I wasn't attracted to him when we met, but I liked him as a person, but I just wasn't, you know, I didn't want to date this person. And we dated for about three months after we were friends for a year. And it was only at that point that I found out

Every single thing he had told me about himself from the day I met him on an airplane was a lie. Wow. So this movie, it's like, it's a rom-com with like a touch of talented Mr. Ripley with like a drop of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood because two thirds of this movie are true. And then the end is a revisionist history. First of all, talented Mr. Ripley, one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah. Seen it multiple, multiple times.

This sounds great. This happened around 2015. And I'm sure you know how difficult it is to get a movie made. And subsequently, not because of this, but I started seeing Dirty John and those types of stories. Dirty John became a thing. But this happened to me prior to that. And I shared the initial story years ago. And it was only in sharing it that I found out how many people something like this happens to. And

and there's like these themes of lying. You know, this guy lied about someone in his family being sick. He lied about what he did, all this weird stuff, not the kind of lies that you're trained to have an alarm go off. He wasn't like, I'm the king of France and I have a fleet of white horses. It was normal stuff like where he went to school and like things that you don't think to question. And this movie is about

Being with someone, being friends with someone, falling for them because your heart opens up and then that discovery. And it's all it's a true story. That is so insane. How did you feel the first time you cracked the first lie?

I mean, not great. I'm not even vindicated. You're just like, oh my God, like I slept with this person. It was, it was, so the, my co-star in this is Margaret Cho and she plays my best friend Margo, who is based off of my real best friend. Her character is an amalgamation of like three women in my life. One of whom was my mother who I didn't want to put in the script, but my mom, I don't remember what tipped it off, but I was friends with this guy.

for like a year and we spent a lot of time together because I'm a comic and so my hours are odd. So I'm not having dinner when a normal person is. And when you're going on a date, I'm getting ready for work and then you're seeing me on your date and then I'm having dinner at like 1 a.m.,

So to have someone that was like, yeah, I'll meet you for dinner at one. Yeah. When are you free? I'm free. Like he was so malleable because I thought he was so successful he could pick his own hours. So it was I was like, great. I'll be getting drunk at the sake bar. See you soon. And I don't remember what it was, but he the day I met him, we were on an airplane and

And he said, and we just met each other. Like I was coming home from Thanksgiving and he was like, oh, my name is Dennis Kelly. And I was like, oh, would you go to school? Cause you know, we were in our early thirties. So this is still a question you would ask. Yeah. And he said he went to Yale and I wasn't, I mean, that's a great school, but like my cousin went there. A lot of my friends went there. So it's not like he was like, I'm the Sultan of Brunei. Right. Exactly. And this, these are my courtesans. Yeah.

And my mom, I don't know what it was, but this was, you know, a year into being friends. My mom called me one day. She had some questions about him. Something was off. And she just said, I called the Yale registrar's office. No, I love your mother. Yes. Your mother is a genius. Yeah. She was something off. And I was like, OK. And she was like, they don't have a record of a Dennis Kelly having gone there since like 1985.

This is really talented, Mr. Ripley. It actually is. It's so weird because it's so easy to judge this story and be like, oh, you know, how did you see it coming? But who questions what someone does or where they went to school, especially when it's not an extraordinary thing? Yes. And it's not being used as a linchpin for something bad.

It's just a random factoid. Random factoid within the first five minutes of meeting someone. And there was no money exchange. Like, it's not like I was a gold digger and he had money. Like, I make my own money. I've had my own house. Like, it's not even a question. So it wasn't, I wasn't getting anything from him other than a friend that was easy to hang out with. Right. There's nothing in it for him to lie, in other words. There was no reason right up top other than like,

scathing, bone-rattling insecurities that came from society or his face or whatever. And so she said that. And, you know, in movies, it's always like the girl hangs up on her mom or her best friend, like, you're just trying to ruin my happiness. I didn't think that, but I was like, okay, this is weird.

And I remember saying to him, like, can I see your Yale diploma? Oh, my God. Because, like, we all have our college diplomas. That's a good scene. Now, if it's really talented Mr. Ripley, all of a sudden he goes, why would you want to see that? Like, with a semi-charming, weird look in his eye. Did he do that? Yeah. There's an art to making somebody question because that's insane. And he, I remember, and I put it in the movie, he said, I'm

I don't have my undergrad degree hanging up. I'm not a dentist. It's a good one. Which was so fucking funny. It's a good one. And what I liked about him was how funny and smart he was. And I'm like, you're right. And he's like, yeah, it's in storage. And I'm like, yeah, you're not an asshole. You don't at 30 something have your degree hanging up, which I don't. It's in a closet in a frame. And then there were little things like

He had bought a house, but he was moving into it. Now, I've bought houses, and I know that sometimes you can't move in right away, or you decide to renovate something before, you know, you can hear my buzz saws now. But so he's like, I bought a house. And I was like, oh, you know, we were friends forever, but...

Because I was not sexually attracted to him, I never wanted to be out drinking with him and go back to his house. Like, I never wanted it to be inappropriate. So I never... And I'm not, like, available during the day. Like, no one goes to someone's house to just sit there. So I never checked...

best friends and I'm not positive where their apartments are. This is LA. You rarely go to someone's home unless like you have children. Right. Right. Yeah, it's true. And so I kind of just was like, oh, he's buying a house and he hasn't moved in yet. And then I finally, I got him to give me the address and I went and it wasn't a house, but then he had an excuse. He was like, this is my friend's apartment. I keep my stuff there. And then it got into, this is, you know, months later, my mom has cancer and she's living at my house and

So then you back off. You're like, oh my God, I can't believe your mom has cancer. Of course you're letting her live at your house while she gets treatment at UCLA. Like, of course I don't want to bother her. Oh my God. Like, I don't know what sort of weird moneyed old line arrangement you have. And he's like, the house is actually in her name for tax reasons. And you're just like, I don't understand how that, of course that makes sense. Yeah. Oh yeah. It makes perfect sense. Rich people do. They have their own habits and weird things. And I'm like, I got a condo. It's in my name.

It may be in a trust. I don't know. And so it's stuff like that. And this movie details all of that because through the movie, you're kind of wanting it to be okay.

You're wanting everything to be okay. Yeah, because he has lines like, I don't have it hanging on my wall, I'm a dentist. You're like, ah, this guy's kind of a genius. Everything has this really quick good answer, which is what tips off my co-star Margot in this. Now let me ask a question. Did you make the movie Avatar of this guy better looking and...

like more sexually snap, crackle, pop. It's a complicated question because if we see, I can see your face right now. The people can't see your face. I can see. Yes, that face. It's kind of like going, yeah, kind of did, but again, it didn't. No, it's well, it's it is complicated. And here's why. If you cast a Rob Lowe,

then you wouldn't understand why the main character, Andrea, that's my name in this, you wouldn't understand why she wasn't into him. Here's a very handsome, educated, smart guy. You're very nice. What's wrong with her? And it kind of makes you not like her. So he had to be

unattractive from the get go because like pheromone wise, you're just not into someone. Right. We made a decision early on because this was such an independent film. We were like, we're going to offer these parts. We're not going to send this out to, you know, and wait for six months to get a read while an actor figures out how to read and reads it. And oh, it's unbelievable how long it takes.

It's unbelievable. I always read things immediately just out of respect. Same. Or read the first five pages and then say I read it and you pass. That's a lie. I don't get offered enough to pass enough. Sure. And so the director, Kimmy Gatewood, she suggested a guy named Ryan Hansen, who I had never heard of, but was in like iCarly, which of course I'm too old to have watched that. But he's, you know, and he's like a handsome, he's like a golden retriever. Like he's a good looking dude and he always plays good guys. Right.

And she was like, he's great. I think he'd be great. And she like floated it to him and he wanted the part. And you seldom get your performance in Behind the Candle, Albert, notwithstanding. You seldom get good looking guys who are like, yeah, I want to play a creep who's unattractive versus like Captain America or the romantic interest. So a part of it, and I'm sure you understand this as an actor, like getting someone who's ready, willing and able to

Like off the bat, like it just changes everything. And he showed up. I remember looking at him. I was like, this guy's not ugly. Like this doesn't work. He showed up day one. He's like, I'm going to make myself. I got a tooth guy. And he came with like fake teeth and he dyed his hair and he got glasses like the international sign for like not hot in Hollywood. And he wore a padded suit and we dressed him kind of dorky and the teeth changed everything. And so his willingness to be like, yep, I got this.

Oh, he must have felt so liberated. I think it was fun for him. And he played pathetic really well. Like at first you're like, oh, this guy's sweet. But then like once you get that doubt, you start to see him differently. And so Ryan did a really great job with that. I'm psyched to see this is on the 23rd. It comes out the 23rd. You can also feed the algorithm and watch it on the 23rd. Oh, I'm feeding the algorithm. Feed that algorithm. And we'll be right back after this.

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Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. I'm always interested in like in something on Netflix after I watch something, what it tells me I'm going to like based on what I just watched. Well, I have some info on that because we took our meeting with Netflix and they tell you, they give you their marketing pitch and they tell you everything they're going to do and stuff like that. And they tell you about what boxes they think it will tick based on preliminary research. And I,

Our movie actually goes into a lot of random categories, kind of bleeds into these other categories that have to do with like suspense, maybe murder. I think weirdly like sci-fi was in there. Like it has less to do with the category and more to do with things that are tangentially related to that category. So you're going to get a lot of weird shit there.

So just maybe replay the movie. That meeting that you had at Netflix, I had the same on a little movie. I did like a Christmas holiday sort of sweet, you know, fun for the whole family movie. Yeah. And that meeting is so impressive that they have where they tell you like they here's the factoid I came away with, which was amazing, is.

No matter if it's a couple, if the movie is starring a man and a woman, no matter how big a star the man is, no matter how big, the box with the woman featured will get more people to watch it. Yeah, I believe that. And that if the people in the ad box are looking away...

More people watch it if they're looking down the lens directly. More people watch it if they're looking down the lens? Yes, yes. And the other thing is they're trying to figure out, they think, but they haven't been able to prove, there's something around the color background as well. Oh, yeah. But they don't know what it is yet. But like green is better than red, which is better than white. I mean, it's fascinating. Yeah.

Yeah, like the emotions, like it might make you feel scared, but do you want that? Or do you want to feel inviting or do you want to feel turned on or hungry? Yeah, there's like a whole language to that. And the woman part of it, you know, for so long, it was so hard. Like in Hollywood, like as a woman, it's like, oh, you can't have that. We still we can't have a late night show no matter how much I try. Or you can't have and there are a couple and you can't have

They can't show you doing this or women don't get to do that. And I think women are so complex. I being a feminist, meaning I appreciate men and women equally. I definitely this is going to sound horrible. Like if it's about a murder, people know that they'd rather hear about a woman being murdered than a man.

Like what headline works for you better? Like when a sultry teacher is abducted or when like an overweight middle-aged guy keels over in a subway. Yeah. Murder in a sports bar or murder in a sorority. You tell me. Yes. It's always, there's always fortunately, unfortunately, like a sexual element and it's always a hot girl. Like I loved mayor of Easton, but like it centers around, um,

Like a hot young girl dying. Nobody wants to hear like when the town dump truck goes missing. It's like, all right, well, it's always got to be this innocence because attractive women, I guess, are innocent. So they didn't have it coming. And I'm like, what about the rest of people? But doesn't that make you want to do the comedy version of it where it is this third guy in the back of the dump truck and it spawns an entire eight episode Netflix show?

I mean, there are like true detect. Oh, I think your detective thing. That was still a girl. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of Bosch is one of my favorite shows and I'll actually be on season seven. Amazing. I got that gig because I was such a super fan and I sent like 15 tweets about how much I love the show. So never underestimate enthusiasm, folks. No, for sure.

But even in my movie, like I play a standup comedian and that's not because I can't act and be something else. I just, for so long, I was told nobody wants to see a girl as a standup comedian. And now wait, wait, here's, let me stop you. How can that be?

I mean, because I hear you hear it all the time. Women aren't funny. Nobody wants to. Oh, not even that. What the fuck is it? It's not even women aren't funny. It's it's you know, you pitch shows. I would write pilots every year. I'm like, she's a stand up comedian, but it's not about the comedy. You know, it's about her family. And now we have shows like Hacks and Marvelous Miss Maisel and stuff like that. But for the longest time, it was just unrelatable. And I'm like, but think of all these men that get to be stand ups in their own sitcoms.

And it's totally acceptable. And so this was my sort of saying, like, this is what's real. This is an honest script. And this serves the narrative. And I'm doing this because everyone said that I wasn't allowed to for so long. So she's a stand up as I am. I just it's so funny because comedy is the one thing that's like people are either laughing or they're not laughing. And it's like, I just don't. It's so odd. I remember.

doing a Broadway comedy, and I knew that the New York Times critic was in the audience that night, and it killed. Next day, the review came out, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. And I started thinking, but everybody in the theater was laughing. He was there. But I guess it's like, but then I kind of go on the other side, and I go, look,

There are long running famous sitcoms, which I won't name, that I have never even cracked a smile at. I literally had this conversation this morning just because something it's like that question, like because something's popular, does it make it good? And it depends on who you ask. So if you talk about L.A. and New York, we're always going to have a different bar where as most of the art we make is for the rest of the country.

And so it doesn't funny is so subjective. You're saying what's funny to you. He's a critic. So he's probably probably has more of a discernible taste than the regular audience member. But I guess you just have to decide, like, who are you making your art for? And hopefully that audience just finds you at least as a stand up, you know? Well, the other thing is, if you're the person making it at the end of the day, if you don't think it's funny, you're dead. So, oh, God. Yeah. And I think a lot of I think that's the downfall for a lot of people. They're like, I'll just do it.

People can smell authenticity and they can smell commitment. And I think a lot of, yeah, when something's lacking that you can smacks of it. It's like, could you...

And I don't, it's going to sound like I'm being a snob. I'm cause I'm, I'm a lot of things. I'm not really a snob. Well, I guess I am. Um, I got a little snobbish to me, but like, could you do the multi-camera you, I'm sure you've been offered a lot of them, the multi-camera sitcom, me network down the middle. Let's think of like, okay, well let's, let's, let's build the show for you right now. Let's just take a minute. Let's open a, let's open a little room here. A little writer's room right now. Okay. Um,

You have recently moved, grew up in Greenwich, New York. Okay. In the village? No, I think let's do Greenwich, the suburb. So Connecticut? Let's make you like super privileged. Okay. Greenwich, Connecticut. In like your suburban, like Greenwich Country Club. Yeah.

And now you find yourself where family lost all their money. They don't know how it happened. It's Schitt's Creek. Okay. Schitt's Creek. That's a good one. It's a great one. It's a great, but we're, we're doing the not great one. We're trying to build, we're not trying to do something. We're doing the not great version here. Okay. So she, the family lost all their money or did she just get left out of the will?

Oh, great. Bingo. She got left out of the will. Okay. Now, now she's opened to get to the bottom of it. She's opened her own detective agency. How about that? Oh, I don't. How about that for bad? Her own agencies. Was she doing this for other? And so does it find? No, you're right. She has a passion for doing this for other people. No, no. She just wants to find out what happened to herself.

To herself or to her family lost her money that she wants to. She's opened a detective agency to do that. And hijinks ensue because now she runs a detective agency and she's got a lot of other detectives that work for her that are funny. It's like Bernie. But as a detective agency, how's that for a dated reference? An executive would be like, but she doesn't have any money. So how did she open an agency?

She and I'll give you the executive note. She feels unlikable already just because she's a woman. Yeah, she's unlikable and not sexual enough, but it's too sexual. That's amazing. She feels unlikable. What are we doing to make her more likable? Can she apologize more?

That's amazing. She feels I think we need to protect her character a little more. How about that one? Yeah. To protect her, protect the character, which means make it likable. Yeah. We need to populate her world with it has to everybody with multicultural father figures. We need a male presence in this, but we need to populate her world with other storylines, right?

but still make her strong. But not too strong. Not too strong. It's going to upset everyone's boner. So how do we make her... Can we break one of her legs and just have her crawl and then eventually realize that she needs a husband? Yeah, that works for me. That works? Could you do that sitcom? And you know it's not funny. You go to work every day. It's never made you laugh. Not once ever. But you know it's going to run for 75 years. You know...

I actually, from the bottom of my heart, I know every actor is like, yeah, we'll just do it only because I've worked so hard to afford my own choices as a standup. Yeah. I guess I'm like, I don't have to take that. Yeah, for sure.

A movie is different because a movie, it lives forever, but you don't have to answer to it forever because it's not running and ongoing. Right. And you don't know. You don't know if it's going to be brilliant in the end. You could give Taika Waititi literally a Ralph's receipt and he would make it into a brilliant movie. So I don't know if I would do that for a TV show. For me, I've always found the like...

Because not everything we do can... Nobody bats 1,000. Ty Cobb in baseball didn't bat 1,000. Nobody does. There's no... Nobody goes, you know, 14 for 14. I like how you said Ty Cobb in baseball. As if you're like, Ty Cobb in the kitchen. The inventor of the Cobb salad. Yeah.

Didn't bet a thousand. Ty Cobb in the kitchen. The salad worked for him. Yeah. The Cobb steak did not catch on. No, Cobb steak, not a thing. Not a thing. The salad did. So like I'm saying, not every convent, the Ty Cobb salad. Absolutely. Yeah.

It's a Thai Cobb salad. That's such a sports grill item menu. It's so bad. What a bad. I'll get a home run, a Thai Cobb salad and Arnold Palmer. By the way, that's yummy. I want that. I want to go to that restaurant.

Yeah, I think I don't think L.A. has restaurants like that, which is like a huge pet peeve of mine. You go to other cities there like you go to like Denver. They're like, we have human sized jang on the patio. You can paint with your dog. And this is make your own margarita in L.A. We're like, this is a two by two slab of asphalt. There's a three hour wait and we're closed.

and you can't eat here. And our general manager is a squirrel and everything is small batch lavender infused. Like it's just, we don't have like a Tony Roma's. We had one in Encino at closed. Oh, I know that. It was genius. We don't have a Chili's. You got to go to Burbank. Like we don't have like a thing that's like,

We don't have like those fun corporate restaurants. We don't have Hamburger Hamlet anymore. So what are we doing? Hamburger Hamlet, the lobster bisque at Hamburger Hamlet was like it powered me through the 80s. That and kamikazes. That's on the west side or it was, right? Yeah. There's one in the valley and there's one of Doheny. But that's still a small...

Like when I'm just saying like you want to you want like a Chili's. You want like a Chili's and fair on Fairfax. Is that what I want? Like an upscale Chili's. I I want I want something easy and tasty. You want to. Yeah. Cheesecake Factory. Well, there's one in Beverly Hills. Does that count? It's yeah, maybe just something like, you know, it's tasty. BF Chang's. It's hard to get.

Even like the Beverly, not Houston's, it's called like Beverly Grill or something. Like they don't do takeout and you got to go all the way to Century City. That's a good one. South Beverly Grill. A good grill. Anything with a grill in it. I'm down. A good grill. Just a grill. Just a good. How about We Open Arrest? A good grill. You were good with titles. It's just that's a good grill and it's a grill for dogs, but not dog meat. It's just for dogs to go. You can bring your dog. Not dog grill. Just to be clear, not dog meat.

To be legally clear, it's not quote unquote dog meat. Asterisk, fine print. It's dog meat. No, it is dog meat. Or it is dog meat. You're funny. I've had fun doing this. I know that-

More than anything, I want to watch your movie now. Big time. Please do. And you got to come out to a show. Do you live in LA? I live in Santa Barbara. When are you doing a show nearby? You live in Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, off the top of my head, I don't know. But we've got... Actually, no. It is on the tour schedule, Santa Barbara. It's in 2022. But if you ever want to come to LA, you want to see a show at the Comedy Store, or if I'm ever playing, we'd love to give you tickets, have you come out, or take your private plane. I'll take my private plane and land it

Yeah. In front of the comedy store. Great. And right there. And and I expect to be heckled. You know, we had Mike Tyson the other night. Oh, my God. Did you did you call him out? You were like, you have to. Right. If you see Mike Tyson sitting in the front row. What am I going to call out? He would just say his name. Yes. Here's here's the thing that you have to like. So is Mike Tyson with Bobby Brown, right? Oh, what? Come on. I know.

I have thoughts, but they were, we were in the main room, which is the biggest room of the comedy store. And I didn't know until I got off stage that they were there. Cause we're all whispering about it. They were seated in the very back row, which you have to respect that. They were like, look, like we're not trying to be part of this. We're in the back row. You can't even see the back row. So, you know, you'd leave that alone. But if someone's like, if someone's in the front row, they want to be part of the show. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Or as I say, they're asking for it. They paid extra. Yeah. They're asking for it. Yeah. If any part of the lights are hitting you while you're in the audience, you're asking for it. So next time. Next time. It's all good. Well, you can tell those workmen to start sawing away. Cue the saws. You can tell them they can start again.

Hear the sauce. This was fun. Thank you for coming on. It was really, it was really, it was cash. Rob Lowe, I am such a fan of the podcast and you, and I was so excited that you guys said yes. So thank you. Thanks for letting me come on and push my wares. I'm so glad you like the pod. I love doing it. Love it. Yeah. Who wouldn't? You get to sit in the dark and talk to famous people and make a bunch of money. I mean, really, no one's ever described it quite like that, but I'm not going to lie. That pretty much is what it is.

That's what it is, folks. I actually put on makeup for this because I thought it was we needed to capture the visuals. And see, you did it anyway. I come prepared. And they were like, Rob will be here with his jawline and his hair. And I was like, I don't have those things. That's why I put this makeup on. So, you know, somebody wants to take a screen grab. But I did. I always come prepared. What I lack in professional connections, I make up for in preparedness. So here I am. I know. You ever have things for like.

Just as you start to fall asleep, you remember something, you kind of laugh out loud. And it scares my husband. It's so creepy to have your partner laughing. I know mine is going to be Thai Cobb steak. Didn't catch on. It didn't catch on. That's what you'll be laughing at. It didn't catch on like the salad did. Can I just say one thing? Bacon, blue cheese, and egg should definitely go on a steak. So maybe it's just not a thing yet. You would have thought it would have caught on. It didn't.

Give it a minute. When we open our Houston's. You know what? I think you have the power to invest in something like that. And I will be there at friends and family day one. Let me just ask you this, though, before we go. Yeah. In the 80s, when everything went like the Brat Pack was storming around town and everything was cool. Do you realize that the place that we hung out that was the shit was a hard rock cafe? Oh, man.

You guys were garbage. Garbage. Garbage. But the nachos come in a can. Where was it? This is how cool it was. It was on the ground floor of the Beverly Center. How cool is that? I mean, you want to talk about exclusive. No, it's really cool if you're like an Italian or Persian tourist. That's the place to go. That was the... But it was. It was the... Can you imagine? At the time. But the hard rock of it all, like, you're like, I just gotta...

I've got to eat this corporate hamburger and stare at Elvis Costello's guitar strap. I was going to say, I was going, yeah, I was going. I mean, if I, I just want to see one more of Elvis Costello is a pretty good one. He's too cool. It would be Eddie Van, it would be one of Eddie Van Halen's guitars that he touched only when he autographed it. Right. Of course. In a case.

Let me just say this because they have hard rock cafes all over the world. And it's where Americans go to eat when they're abroad. If the if they can't get into the embassy, the U.S. embassy is like the lines forming at the bar of the hard rock. You're like, I just need to eat these nachos. Oh, I miss my home. Can you get me out of here? Yeah, I need to get back home. My passport stamped. This has been great. Thank you so much. This was great. Appreciate. Bye. Bye. See you. See you.

See, I told you she was delish. You know what else would be delish? The Hard Rock Cafe if it were open still. Let's go. You, me, Eliza, Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall in the corner with French fries and ranch dressing. Wash down with a kamikaze. What do you think? Eliza, what do you think? Oh, she's gone. That's right. She already left. Damn it. Forgot to talk to her about that. All right. Anyway, it is time for the Lowdown Line podcast.

Hello, you've reached literally in our lowdown line where you can get the lowdown on all things about me, Rob Lowe. 323-570-4551. So have at it. Here's the beep. Hey, Rob. It's me, Eric Tyler from Indiana. And I've got a question.

Let me ask you something, man. If you were in the house and you ran out of bread and all you've got are hot dog and hamburger buns, which one do you use to eat meat on? I mean, it doesn't even have to be meat. It can be chili or something like that. But, like, is there a difference? Eatability? Taste-wise? That's what I want to know. Thanks, Rob. Eric, out. Well, Eric, you Indianians...

Which, by the way, you're called Hoosiers. I know you know that. You're from Indiana, as my family is. I had a hot dog last night and had a full debate with myself at the Dodger game, whether I was going to take it out of the bun or not. I went with the bun twice, in fact, and I kind of regret it.

But you cannot eat a hot dog without that because it's round and slippery and what have you. Because with burgers now, I just I eat them protein style. I just use the lettuce as the bread product. So I guess it's a long winded way of saying I don't give a crap about the bun on a hamburger. Hamburger buns are they could cease to exist and my life wouldn't change appreciably at all.

So if there was a fire in my house and I had both of them, the one I would run out carrying like a little baby would be the hot dog bun because I don't know how to eat a hot dog without that. And that, sir, is my answer. I will see you next week on this show, which is literally with me, Rob Lowe. Thanks for the download. Bye. You have been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe. Produced and engineered by me, Devin Tory Bryant.

Executive produced by Rob Lowe for Lowe Profile. Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Stitcher. The supervising producer is Aaron Blairt. Talent producer, Jennifer Sampas. Please rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts. And remember to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.

At Ashley, you'll find colorful furniture that brings your home to life. Ashley makes it easier than ever to express your personal style with an array of looks in fun trending hues to choose from, from earth tones to vibrant colors to calming blues and greens. Ashley has pieces for every room in the house in the season's most sought after shades. A more colorful life starts at Ashley. Shop in store online today. Ashley, for the love of home.

All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I'll never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers, passport. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. ♪

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply.