Nikki Glaser: No Substitute Teacher Energy
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Oh, hello!

What's happening? Good to see you. I haven't seen you since you were tearing me a new asshole. I know, that was the last time. It's healed up nicely, though. That's the good news. You were such a good sport. That was so much fun. You were so nice. You were so easy to roast because you just took it. Am I a sadist? Would that make me a masochist or a sadist? It would make me a masochist, right? Yeah, masochist. You like pain. Yeah. Which I do, but that's a whole other... I know, I do too. ♪

Welcome to Literally. I'm your host, Rob Lowe. That's why the show is called Literally with Rob Lowe. Today, we have the beautiful, funny, smart Nikki Glaser. I am still aching from the beating she inflicted on me at my roast. I'm debating whether I should be mean to her in this. I think we're just going to have to see how it goes. But in the meantime, here she is.

I only go to get a massage if I'm already in pain, like I have a pulled muscle and I want them to like torture it. If I'm not feeling, I don't want a massage if I'm feeling good. I want to be in pain. It's a weird thing. Well, I was in pain, but it was a good kind of pain. It was a hurt so good kind. Did anything hurt your feelings? Did you have a little bit of a hangover from it? The only thing was, it wasn't for me because it was my family was there, right? And you know, there are civilians-ish. Yeah.

Yeah. And, and my wife, it's really interesting. Like we've been married now almost 29 years. Wow. And the one thing that we don't share, and this is gonna sound really weird. And I don't think I've ever talked about it is we don't have the same sense of humor. We don't. And I've, which is really interesting because usually you go like, that's a big plus for a relationship. It's huge, huge, huge. And I know that it is, but like to the extent that

If I pitch a joke to her, she goes, oh, my God, you can't say that. I know I have to. Oh, right, right. I know it's a really good idea. Or like, you know, because what I realize it comes from a place where she doesn't want to see me look bad. Yeah, that's her biggest worry. And so she hated the idea of me doing the roast.

But she was a really but she is a really good sport. But she brought Maria Shriver. Oh, yeah. I remember that. Do you remember this? Yes. She was there. It's like, why is Maria Shriver here? Yeah. And listen, and I love Maria and she's one of my closest friends. And I would say this to her face. She's not a laugh riot. And so, you know, you look out there and there's my wife and there's Maria Shriver. And David Spade is telling the one joke.

That was that I was like, wow. All right. Spade a roan, which was the best acting Rob Lowe ever did is when he convinced his wife he didn't fuck that nanny. And that's right out of the gate. I mean, he was the emcee.

That was rough. Oh, that's rough. That's a good joke, though. But it's a fucking good joke. I love a good joke. I do. I don't care whose expense it's at. I really don't. But that's interesting, Rob, that you and your wife don't have a similar sense of humor because I like that you admit that because...

Yet I find a lot of couples don't really agree like that. And you don't maybe need the same sense of humor. Do you guys watch comedy movies together? I mean, is that something that you share comedy or like you have other things that you share, right? Oh, and that's the thing for you. I mean, when I when I would have girlfriends, all my girlfriends that I had previous to my wife, I had we shared the same sense of humor. What about after?

Well, you know, we're sharing something else. Yeah, but the previous ones you said, you did share a sense of humor? Yeah, yeah, 100%. And Cheryl was the first, like, long-term relationship where we didn't. But we share every other thing, which, by the way, are more important. You know, worldviews, how we feel about money, how we feel about sex, drugs, rock and roll, raising kids, you know.

Like little things like, do they want to go to school with uniforms or not? What does that mean? Like absolutely everything else, we're completely on the same page. Right. But when it comes, like she's not going to, she didn't go to see Borat with me and go fucking ape. Yeah. Like I did. But you know what? Guess what? That's what your friends are for. That's what your friends are for. And I think you're so right because I always, as a comedian myself,

And I get asked, like, what do you look for in a guy? And I'm always like, I want someone with a sense of humor. I want someone who can make me laugh because it's so important to me. But I have the...

It's really hard to make me laugh. My bar is pretty high. Not that I'm a laughing – I'm a very generous laugher, but for someone to be funnier than me, a man to be funnier than me in a relationship, that's going to be hard to find. I do this professionally. So maybe it's something that I don't even need necessarily because I have comedy everywhere else in my life. Why do I also need it in my relationship? That's where I was like – I was like, you know, if I –

If I want to have a good walk or something, I'll call Lorne Michaels. I'll go out for a walk with Lorne Michaels. I don't need my wife to do that. I know. And that's – it's such a – it's an interesting outlook I haven't thought about before because you always just think that, like, sharing a sense of humor is so important. But I don't – you know, I –

I've dated guys who are so into sports and I don't even understand that in any way. And it's a whole separate thing that they enjoy on their own. And not, I don't need to be into that for them. Why do we all, it's, it's interesting. And I mean, and the list goes on, like she will watch more bad television. Like she, right. Like, it's like,

I'm not a hate watcher. I'm not this whole phrase. I love it. I hate like the people watch The Bachelor. Sure. OK, or but I am someone who loves I love junk TV, reality TV. OK, convince me what what's wrong with me. Why do I not? Why do I what are you seeing that I'm not seeing? I know I understand, like wanting to understand what you're missing out on. And I don't like like the housewives because those women just seem to be like.

I don't, I don't know why I don't like the housewives, but bachelor for some reason you're here's why I love the bachelor. I'll sell you on it. It's yes, it's all fake and it's, it's, it's heightened. The feelings aren't fake though. They're, um, they're all being persuaded and kind of brainwashed into falling in love, but they actually are in love and they,

actually are behaving in ways that you don't get to watch humans behave unless you are in personal relationships with them. There's something about reality TV that although it's under this guise of being so fake, there's something so human about it that I really appreciate. And I just, it's not as anything can happen. It's, and

And I'm a romantic. Like, I like all this. Like, I like The Bachelor. I like watching people fall in love, even though I know it never, ever lasts. I would do anything to be on The Bachelorette. Like, I would love it. I get icked out with the rose and the witch shot. Yes.

They take it so seriously. It's gross. You're not wrong. I think I might be. It's like all those prefab Calabasas mansions. Yes. Just with no heart, no soul. Just awful. Yeah, they're all awful people too. A lot of them. But I'm addicted to it. I do love it. Back to the roast. I want to hear your perspective on the roast. You were my first. Yeah.

And then I've done two more. And didn't you always know I would be your first? I really did. I always had hoped and it came true. That was a really good memory. Like of all my of my career that night, the Rob Lowe roast was one of the best moments of my career. And then you were so nice afterwards because it can be weird after. But you're like,

there to have a good time. It was just such a fun night. So I was the first, that was the first one. So what? Yeah. You didn't have anything really to compare it to as you were going through it. I thought people were so fucking funny. I mean, first of all, the Ann Coulter stuff was beyond belief. Oh my God, that was wild. The fact that she was there. And she didn't seem to

And I knew Anne a little bit because I guess I'd done Bill Maher a couple of times and she was on. And she was very friendly and nice. And we'd had a couple of conversations. I felt like I had, like you, I'd never met. I met Anne. I knew like, hey, you know, like, so that was particularly like awkward because I didn't

Want her to feel badly, but good Lord. I mean, Pete Davidson. Oh, yeah. He was out. He was, remember how out of control he was? Yeah, he was, he was pretty, yeah, everyone was drinking, but yeah, he was out of control. He was smoking weed on stage, I think, right? Oh, yeah, of course he was. Yeah, he just, he was, he was right at the beginning of that, like, true Pete Davidson doesn't give a fuck what people think. And yeah, you saw it that night.

I think I think it was birthed that night. I really. Yeah, we all were kind of like, whoa, this guy is just doing what he wants. But then Ann Coulter was funny because she took off right at the end of

Like I felt bad too. I don't like her, but I ended up feeling sad for her. Like we were all bullying her. She had no friends. And then I was like, well, she's brought it upon herself. And then she kind of like ran out before the end of it. She wasn't even there for like the picture we all took, you know? I know. I wanted to, I wanted like to have a picture of the whole, of the whole gang. But she split. I had a great moment where Pete started smoking dope on the air.

And Peyton Manning goes, I'll smell marijuana. And just him saying, by the way, my impersonation of Peyton Manning is really just my Bill Clinton impersonation dialed way down. I smell marijuana. That's good. Wow. He did not inhale. I also like the jokes that got cut from the show, like that were too...

Like when they would go, that's too mean. You can't say like the one thing we couldn't talk about. Well, this is what people don't realize on the roast. It's all the host can kind of if he wants to or she say, yeah, just let's just stay away from this. I was like, why would you go on and put rules on it? Like either you're down to clown and you can take it.

Or you can't. Yep. And I love people who can take it, who can make fun of themselves. And, you know, I just love those are my heroes who people are like that. So that's who I wanted to emulate. So I was like, look, whatever people want to say, let's go. But so the one rule was we couldn't talk about Papa John's.

Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? Wait, what had happened with Papa John's? Nothing yet. It was before anything had happened with him. Oh, because he had done a commercial for Papa John's? Well, he's one of the co-owners, Peyton. Oh, he is. I didn't even know that, so they didn't have to tell me that. Oh, because there were some good Papa John jokes. I remember, yeah, we couldn't talk about his...

any kind of sexual harassment suit or any of that stuff that had happened in the past we couldn't talk about, which I did, though. I knew it wouldn't air, but I did a joke. I forget what I did. I said some joke and I was like, yeah, the University of Tennessee paid me $16 million to do that joke. I made some kind of comment that he had paid off someone to be quiet and they paid me to do it. I made some allusion to it. Because when you're told not to do something...

You just like... I knew it wouldn't air, but I just wanted to do it in that moment. Like, you don't get to say that we don't get to say that about you. Rob is the one being roasted and he has no rules. You can't come in and be... and have rules. So I just... Especially when it's something like, you know, a past incident like that. I'm just like, I kind of got to go after him. I can't not...

And of course, but you already established that you hate sports and don't know anything about it. So it was really easy for you to do. It was. It was like, that's what's interesting about you to me, you know? I'm going to go in on that. Because yeah, when I don't know anything about sports, I really was like, I don't have anything to say to this guy. No, you're like, who is this big goon who's sitting here? What is going on? I just, I got a lot of help from my guy friends telling me about him and what I should know about him. And then it became like,

OK, we need to talk about you compare him to Tom Brady, make him feel bad that he's not Tom Brady. Like then I learned some angles to take. But yeah, I have to do a lot of research leading up to it. And you know who else was really good was Jewel. Jewel was so good out of nowhere. Right. I mean, not out of nowhere. She's a performer, but like you didn't know she was going to be good at comedy. And then her song was so good that she sang. Yes. She looked great. Who else was there?

Ralph Macchio, Karate Kid, Outsiders. Oh, yeah, he was great. Ralphie was there. Jimmy Carr. Jimmy, oh my God. Jimmy Carr was great. Spade was great. Yeah, Spade is the host. That is the weirdest thing to do in, a roast is the hardest thing to do in comedy. I compare it to like our Olympics. I really feel like there's nothing else to compare it to.

You have to go as soon as I got asked to do the roast, I start writing jokes and then you have to start taking those jokes out. And then I have to go from club to club and just tell the people watching. I'm like, imagine Rob Lowe is here just for the sake of things. I'm about to say a really lot of mean things about him, but picture him here laughing. And then you get laughs, but it's like, you can't ever really know how it's going to do in the room. There's no way to tell. And so it's just, it's so much preparation. And then you finally do it and

luckily, it's always a great crowd and they're ready for it and it's gone well. But the first time doing it, I was terrified. And I always, for the past three rows, the three that I've done, I always get to a point of like utter exhaustion beforehand because I'm so...

I've trained so hard. And that night is just like, it's feels so good doing it and being done because you just never know what it's, it's one of the only things in comedy that you can't really prepare for. Cause it's such a unique performance. I'm, I'm kind of not surprised, but it's interesting to hear that you test or have the ability to go test the jokes out, which makes perfect sense. Why wouldn't you, you're, you're in front of the mic and you're doing your thing anyway. Cause like for me who I'm not a professional at it, I,

I had never tested one of those jokes that I got. So I'm literally, this is the first time I'm telling it. The first time anybody's hearing, I have no idea if people are going to think it's too mean, not mean enough, whatever. And it's all live and it's in front of everybody. I know. I always worry about the stars during these roasts because as a comedian, Jeff Ross, me, and you know, usually the other couple of comics, we're all at the clubs all night doing our roast sets. And then we think about the actors that are, are the, that are on the dais. And I'm like,

they're just going to wing it. But the thing is, they always kill. You guys always do well. You have one rehearsal, but you're a professional. So you don't need... You can... You always... You did well. But it is funny that I feel the need to go out and run the set like 60 times. That's crazy. And I do as...

Because like, honestly, Rob, every single time I do a roast, I am so run down because I'm doing like five sets a night, working, having all these sheets of paper, scratching out jokes, rewriting them, reorganizing them. I hired a writer's assistant last year. I hired writers. I mean, I had a writer's room last year. I'm not even joking. And it was nuts. I like lost money on it. No joke. But it is like the biggest thing.

It's the biggest opportunity for a comedian to make a splash and to really be seen. It's like we don't have The Tonight Show anymore with Johnny Carson. We don't. It's the best platform for a comedian to make it. So I worked I work my tail off on it. And every year I say I tell my friends, remind me never to do one of these again.

because I'm losing my mind and I hate this process. And then I do it and I'm like, oh my God, that was the best night of my life. So I feel like they're like pregnancies. I'm always like, don't let me do this again. And then I'm holding my baby. I'm like, I love, I want to have another. Yeah. I mean, I don't have kids, but I compare it to that. I'm, I just, it's amazing to me that

That that much goes into it. It's amazing. I hadn't thought about it, but of course there is no Johnny Carson. There's nowhere to go on and be introduced to America. And that's really, I owe my career, a lot of my career to, um,

to these roasts. People go like, when did you start? When did people start? You came out of nowhere. And I'm like, it was the roast. Like I went viral with these roasts. So like I was smart to put in that much work to it because they do mean that much and they can like catapult you. I mean, Whitney Cummings, Amy Schumer, even Sarah made like huge strides in her career just from killing on those, Sarah Silverman, killing on those roasts. So it truly is the best, the best platform. How many years later

Were you doing stand-up and doing sort of the yeoman, journeyman, journeywoman's work of the comedy world before...

you hit the roast and had that big moment, would you say? Yeah, it was a long time. I started doing comedy when I was 18. I started doing stand-up and then really doing it about 20. And then I got on a reality show when I was still in college, Last Comic Standing. And so I was like, oh, okay, I'm good at this, enough to get on TV. As soon as I graduated college, I moved to LA, just...

Doing open mics, working as hard as I could there. This is what I, that's the TV series I want to see. Yeah? That's the reality series I want to see. I want to see your, you've just been on Last Comic Standing, you're packing up

Your car from where? From St. Louis. Yeah. Yeah. You're driving under the arch of the credit sequence. Yes. And you're right. And that's the show I want. Yeah. I moved out to L.A. and I moved into my dad's best friend, my dad's childhood best friend's spare bedroom in Venice. I was living like I was my dad's room, best friend's roommate. And.

And I was just like alone hitting up different comedians on my space being like, Hey, will you be friends with me and go to open mics and show me the town? That's how I met Whitney Cummings. That's how I met Anthony Jesselnik. Just like cold calling them on my space being like, I'm funny. You're funny. Can we be friends? And then I just, um, I kept doing it there. I was such a drunk though. Like I was just like kind of booze in my way through town, risking every night, just being a piece of garbage and like,

You know, working, but not just wasting my parents' money. I wasn't making any money. I was doing the road. I was going out on the road with... Some headliners would bring me out to open for them. But I'd go... I'd fly to Des Moines from LA to make 400 bucks. So I was like spending money to go make no money. And then I finally...

my parents, my parents were like, we can't give you any more money. And, uh, and I had done the tonight show too. It had been like, I was 24 and I got a call at 11 AM in the morning that there was a dropout at the tonight show. And I had like been talking to them about doing a set. And I was, I was hung over, uh,

in bed and I saw no caller ID on my phone. I was just like, I'll pick it up. I thought it was a creditor, but I was like, be responsible, Nikki. And I was like, hello? And they're like, hey, this is the Tonight Show. Can you do a set tonight? Paula Abdul dropped out. Like, I don't know why I would fill in for her, but I was the second guest on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. And which is like, you shouldn't get second billing when you're a comedian. That never happens. No, never happens. That's amazing. I did a set.

And I had not remembered the set that they had approved because they had approved me to do The Tonight Show when I was 22. And I thought I was going to do it. I told my parents. They told everyone in my family. And then The Tonight Show never called. Meanwhile, my name is just up on a board there. And I was just going to be pulled off someday when Paul Abdul couldn't show up because she took the wrong combo of pills for back pain or whatever the hell she was struggling with that day. And so they pulled my card and they just called me. And I...

I just got out of bed and like went and got a dress and got my hair done and then just scrambled to find the DVD from the set that they had approved two years earlier because I didn't remember even the jokes. My act was completely different two years before. And I watched the DVD on my computer on the way to the studio. I was living in Studio City and it was in Burbank. And I had like two miles to watch this video and cram and memorize it.

And as soon as I got to the lot, I shut the laptop and I was like, okay, I think I got it. And then I met the producers and they were like, can you do your set for us? Cause we don't remember what we approved. And I was like, and I did it. And they were like, sounds good. So then I just went an hour and a half later, I was like out on stage doing the tonight show. And it was like,

It was, I thought it was going to be like my, I was 24. So young. I just killed on the tonight. I had a great set. I was so excited. I actually, uh, Rainn Wilson was the first guest and I, one of my favorite moments from it was after my set, I got called over to the couch and, um, and I go over and Rainn Wilson is like great set. And I go, thanks Dwight. And I called him his character's name, like very, like I didn't realize it until I watched it later. Um,

But after I did that, I thought things were going to change and people were going to call and no one called. Nothing changed. I was still broke. I was still an alcoholic. And so, and I was, and I was babysitting for the Apatows actually for Judd. And, um, I, I even has funny babysitters. That's fucking amazing. Yeah.

He likes to keep every aspect of his life. So, yeah, I but I was nannying and I was just a piece of shit. And so I moved home to St. Louis. No way. You asked me.

That's after the show. I moved home. Yeah. Nothing happened. I think I got recognized at subway once and that was it. And that was all that changed in my life. It's the, you think you come out and you have a big moment and doesn't happen and you go back and people are like, do they recognize you and go, Hey, you were great on the tonight show. What are you doing back here? Um, no, I mean, no one really cared. And,

And it was nice, though, because because I had the Tonight Show, I could then start headlining clubs because it was a credit. So I moved back home with my parents and I saved money and I started headlining clubs. I started making a little bit more money.

And I wasn't paying rent and I was driving their cars to these gigs. So I just started driving all over the country. I have to stop you because I'm a parent. I've got kids exactly the age that you are describing. Yeah. And so I have this thing of like, when do I turn off the spigot? Like I'm not OPEC. I know. At a certain point, you know, there's going to be a glut. I got it. So what do you think was the moment where they were like, eh?

My dad funding this pipe dream. My dad got laid off and I think it was literally like we, yeah, we don't, we can't do it. We can't do this anymore. I moved back home and I was making enough money to like get by, but I was, I was like, what am I going to do? I saved up enough to move to New York and I moved to New York city when I was two, uh,

In 2010, I don't know how old I am at that point, but I remember I had a couple of years and my parents were still giving me a little bit of money. And I told them, I told my dad early on, I was like, you just got to support me till I'm 27. Just till I'm 27 for whatever reason.

It's going to take me, because I started doing comedy at 18. It's going to take me about, I know 10 years it takes you in comedy to find your voice, but I'm going to get there a year sooner. And I just told him 27 years. When I'm 27 years old, just please help me until then. And then I swear to God, on the eve of my 27th birthday, I got my first TV show and I got it like right under the gun and was able to be financially independent at that age. So I think the answer is 27. Right?

I relate so much. I had had a career as a child actor and had my own TV show at 15 on ABC and it got canceled. And then I was in that weird thing of like not old enough to play, you know, certain roles and too young to play others. And I hadn't worked. I was like, oh, because this acting thing is over. I was a child star and that's it. And I was like, I'm going to give myself to I'm 18.

And if it hasn't happened by the time I'm 18, and I got the outsiders, Francis Ford Coppola's The Outsiders on my 18th birthday. Whoa! Because I was literally going to be a marine biologist. Really? You were going to just...

Wait, are you into that? Are you still into that? I still love that stuff. I do too. I always wanted to be a marine biologist too, but I thought it was just, it was when I thought you just like hang out with whales and like swim with them and pet them. I didn't know you had to like measure them and like know science. Are you good at science? Yeah.

I'm good as long as there's not math involved. I mean, I think you can kind of fake your way through that part of it. Right. I've designed everything in my life around avoidance of math and numbers. Everything. Yes. Literally everything. Wow. The only equation that I'm really good at is I can tell you 10% of anything because agents have been stealing from me 10% since I was a kid. I'm good at that. And we'll be right back after this.

All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I'll never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. ♪

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. What's your, like, biggest regret of your career? Do you, like, have one in mind? Like, a job that you should have taken or a job that you did take that you just were, like...

Because with this Corona thing, I've just had a couple jobs interrupted that I've been like, you know what? Maybe I didn't want to do that anyway. And this is such a godsend. And it's like, wait a second. Why am I taking jobs that I don't want? Do you ever just take jobs because like you just want to work? Well, I do. I do want to work. And I'm I know people who don't want to work, who are, you know, do what we do.

And I know people that want to work and I want to work. It's one of the reasons why I created this podcast was I wanted, it was a new iteration of storytelling for me because I wasn't getting a chance to do it as much as I would like. And I do sometimes do things because I want to work. I try and I think I'm pretty successful at not doing stuff that's just not good, but

Like, I'll fly across the country to do a set at the Durham Performing Arts Center. Right. But I want to go, but better sell out. Yeah. I mean, I have my standards. Sure. You know, I've been on the road doing my own one-man show. So I'm...

I'm kind of. Wow. Wait, how long have you been doing that? Well, I'm going backwards in my career. See, I'm a big believer in going from being a big movie star, then to a TV star and then to a radio personality and then to a struggling comic on the road. I think going backwards is probably the best trajectory for me. Yeah.

And that's what I'm working on. That's not backwards. That's, I mean, if you're selling out venue, you're, it's, there's good money out there and that's why you're doing it. You're not dumb and you're good at performing live. So you're not stupid. I've always been like sad for actors who don't get to perform every night in front of crowds, you know, whether you're acting in theater or just being yourself. I think that's so awesome that you're doing that. Isn't it great? It's the fucking best. It's the best. It's immediate.

Verification that you're entertaining and liked and like like stand-up is addictive for a reason that immediate audience Response, what are you doing on your show? So it was an offshoot of I wrote I wrote two books and they're they were both people really liked in their bestsellers and I love doing them and Instead of writing a third book. I was like, you know what? What if I wrote a show and

And because I was also really jealous, I was working, I think, with Aziz at the time. And, you know, there's Nick Offerman and Polar and everybody kind of has their thing. And they really inspired me. And so I wrote the one-man show. And it's called Stories I Only Tell My Friends Live because I figured people don't expect me to be funny. And if I were out doing a comedy thing, it might be weird. So if I at least use the title from the books –

Yep. You kind of get the sense it's me talking about my life, which is what it is. But that's what all stand up is. All stand up is the person talking about their life and their point of view and what they've been through and what they think. And then that's that's what I do. If I had which was great because then people came not knowing what to expect.

Right. And we're like, oh, my God, it's so funny. I didn't know. So that I've made a career out of low expectations. I'm not going to change anything now. Is it is does it change every night? Are there like do you are you constantly like adding new things? Is each performance different? The body of the show is the same. But you know how it is. You discover jokes. You ad lib. Yeah. And so you do that where it gets different every night, which is fun as I do a Q&A.

So fun. And the shit that people will ask is so genius sometimes. Yeah. And you end up talking about things you never would have talked about. And I've had at least four or five big pieces from the show come from the Q&A and what it brought out and have put it back in the body of the show. Oh, that's great. And who are you on the road with? Do you have someone like a director that helps you?

Again, it's like those pieces and go, oh, we got to we got to work on that story. I mean, like it's all me. It's like the books. I didn't have an editor. I didn't have a co-writer. Tell me about these books, because I'm I'm I don't get to do we don't get to perform right now. I'm not doing stand up. So like a big chunk of my cash flow just stopped. And I'm I've got some book offers and I can't do it. I know I have nothing but time to write a book.

I don't know how to do it. I'm so scared. I don't know something about I paralyzed Rob. How do I write a book? How did you approach it? I mean, look, I wrote scripts and I've I've doctored my own dialogue and, you know, co-written shit forever. But I'd never written a book. Yeah. But.

And I didn't do a ton of... I'll tell you what I read. I read David Niven's classic book, The Moon's a Balloon. Okay. David Niven, that was in the... When it came out, it was the watershed, took the sort of celebrity memoir thing to a whole other level, got great reviews. And...

That was the tone I tried to emulate where it's like dishy. You got to be dishy. Yes. But you don't want I went out of my way to write it in a way where there could never be a pull quote so that all anybody knows about the book is some salacious gossipy thing. Right. Right. So you have to write it that way. Like Andre Agassi wrote this.

I love his book. He's a tennis player. Yeah. And he wrote a book that is one of the great books I've ever read. I know. Me too. I loved that book and I don't even like tennis. You read it? Yes. I was obsessed. Okay. It's so good. It's so good. How did he do that? What do you know about that? But the thing is, is I remember the reviews. All anybody talked about was that he did crystal meth. Oh, right. Which is...

Three sentences. It really is. In a book that is fantastic. Yeah. So I was like, I'm not giving anybody that. I'm going to talk about everything, all the bad stuff. Mm-hmm. Good. Like, if you're talking about- But what about the work? How are you- You must be just a very disciplined person. I mean, obviously, you are to have the career that you have, but like-

And I am too, but for some reason, sitting and writing about my life, it's just, was it torture for you? Was it painful? Was it a cathartic process? Was it scary? It was all of it. It was, it was all of it. And what, what I did, I can just tell you what I did, which is may, may be helpful. Maybe not as I just on three by five cards, I wrote ideas like, um, you know, uh, theater nerd.

You know, so it's my it's I wanted to write about what it was like to be a theater nerd in Dayton, Ohio. So there's one. And then I'd be like Malibu in the 70s. And it's like what it's like to come from Ohio to Malibu in 1976 and your Levi tough skins when everybody else is in shorts. And, you know, what's that? And then it'll be like Malibu.

You don't even think about it. You just vomit out ideas. Okay. And then you put them in some sort of a structure, and then you just write. Yeah. It's that easy. You'd be great at it. It's going to be easier than you think. I know. It's the staring at a blank page and fear of not being perfect. Yeah, it's the perfectionism. Do you have that? Yeah, I call it the IKEA complex. Because I hate...

I feel like I can't properly assemble things. So like the idea of having something from Ikea is my biggest, like literally my chest gets tight just even saying it out loud. Like I don't want to have to put together that cheap bookshelf for my kids dorm. Like that's, I've got a lot of talents. That's not one of them. And so that way of thinking is,

seeps into my thinking a lot with other things is like, I'm not going to be able to follow the proper directions. Right. So however there is to write, the thing would be like, I don't know how to do the way those people... There is no direction. Right. Okay. I mean, and just read the books. It's like I read in my notes about you that you said for years you didn't know what your...

unique comedy voice was. So when you first started writing jokes, you wrote them from the perspective of other women who you admired. I thought that was really smart. Right. And so I think with, with the writing, Mia Farrow has a great book that about 10 years old, that's an amazing book. Celebrity comedy, whatever memoirs, they're either really good or horrible. And so, um,

And a lot of them are lazy. There's some very famous people who've written some books that are very, very popular, unbelievably lazy. Yeah, I'm scared of that. What what what's the mark of a lazy book? You think lack of depth? Yeah. Surface jokey.

Not about anything. Yeah. No bass notes to it. Right. I'm tired of that. Anything that's like that comedy in general, too, where you just see someone on stage and you're just like, there's more going on here than what you're revealing. And you're just too closed off. I just that's what I want. And it sounds like what your show is, is pretty. You're just like.

putting it all out there. It's all out there. Look, like, yeah, you can't. A one man show is like writing a book. And that's why I why one birthed another is is the first number one job is authenticity, as you know. Yeah. If you're not authentic, if it's an act, you're fucked. And there's a great quote. I love Bruce Springsteen and his one man show is fantastic. And I read him talking about it. And it's he just says the audience wants two things from you.

They want to feel safe on the journey that you're coming home, but they want to be taken in a direction they're not expecting. Oh, that's good.

That's that is true for whenever I give people advice for stand up. It's like the audience wants you to do well. No one's wanting you to not do well. They're rooting for you. They want to be safe and and they just want to know they're in good hands. They just want you to be up there and know that you know what you're doing, because the second you have that substitute teacher energy, they're going to turn they're going to turn on you. They want you to be to know the lesson plan.

It's really – I like the Bruce Springsteen quote, and I'm putting below it, no substitute teacher energy. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. That's great. What was it like for you? So you and I both grew up in the Midwest. I was actually born in Cincinnati. Oh, that's right. Okay. Did you go to Reds games and stuff like that? I grew up – Did you date any Reds? Did you date –

What? Okay, you don't like athletes, so you didn't date any cool athletes from Cincinnati. Oh, well, I didn't, not yet. So I moved from Cincinnati when I was six and lived in St. Louis until I graduated college and then moved back here a little bit. And now I'm back in St. Louis now for the quarantine with my parents, so I'm living here again. And there's a celebrity dating app, and as soon as I landed in town, I fired that thing up to be like, are there any celebrities in St. Louis? Is anyone on this app? Yeah.

And there was a St. Louis Blues player. And he's like the hottest guy I've come across on these dating apps before. And I was so excited because he had no other options. So I'm like, I'm all you got.

And we matched and we started talking and then we were going to go on like a, you know, social distance hike. But it just never happened because he had to go back to Canada because his season got canceled. So I'm just alone in St. Louis again. But I'm not opposed to dating athletes. Hockey players are notoriously the most handsome.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. It's a factoid. Really? OK. I did a movie called Youngblood where I played a hockey player. And and so I got to know everybody in the NHL and all. And they're all just these big strapping farm. Really decent. Yeah. And they're also the most unsophisticated. And I mean that in a good way of all the athletes. What do you mean by that?

They're like... They don't take themselves too seriously? No, they don't take themselves too seriously, and...

I don't know if it's because it doesn't have as enough money in the league as the NBA, certainly, or Major League Baseball or golf. But there's a sort of joy of there's a boyishness and a joy about it and a lack of business, a lack of sophistication. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, I like that. You just sold me on hockey players. Here's the problem. Here's the problem. A lot of time in Canada, though. I know. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Well, I'm on the road a lot, too, so it might work. I love my Canadian brothers and sisters. I really do. But there there are there are times when I just I just can't. I just can't. I just can't. Sometimes. What is it about Canadians? I mean, I love going up there and I love the people. But if you stay there long enough.

It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone where you see the mask come off. Yeah, I always feel like it's like the Truman Show when I'm there. Like everyone just seems suspiciously nice. Like you're saying, like they're being nice, but they know something about you that you don't know about yourself. And as soon as you turn your back, they're going to start talking about you. But they're very friendly. They're very friendly, but it's only a matter of time till they hit you with, well, maybe that's the way you do it down there in the US. Yes, yes, yes.

And then they pour gravy on your fries. Hold that thought. We'll be right back. All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel.

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. One, two, three, four. Those are numbers. But you already knew that. If you want to know what number you're going to pay each month for your car, use Kelly Blue Book My Wallet on AutoTrader. They're really good at numbers. AutoTrader. So, okay, you're growing up in Cincinnati.

Eating your Skyline Chili in Cincinnati. Oh, Skyline Chili. My favorite food of all time. Even though I'm a vegan now, I'll always miss it.

Saw some in my parents' freezer, actually. So you're just like me, eating Skyline Chili, Shane Ling's Little King's Creamy Ale, getting fucked up, becoming a young alcoholic. Yeah, that was mainly my drinking really took place in L.A. And then I brought it back to St. Louis when I moved back home with my parents. And then I was here just drinking a lot. And then I moved to New York and I realized I was just like, I got to quit this shit. So then I just started smoking pot and doing that. And then

So I just switched from one to the next. I never was a pot person. Never. Yeah. Good for you. I couldn't. It creeped me out. First of all, I got so paranoid. Yes. But I guess now there's all these different permutations where –

They've probably figured out a version of it that has none of the paranoia associated with it. No, it's honestly, Rob, that's not true. It's only gotten worse. It's like weed only makes you more of all the things that it used to make you because it's so strong now. So I don't recommend it to you if you got paranoid back in the day, because the only reason I don't get paranoid is because I've like smoked through that. There's like a weird thing when you smoke enough pot. Yeah.

Your producers are laughing because they're both pot or at least one of the one of the bottoms of pothead for sure. They're high now. What are you talking about? But there's a thing that start like when you first start smoking pot, everyone feels that way of like everyone's looking at me. I'm having a panic attack. And then you just start smoking enough that you start feeling that way when you're not high. And then and then it becomes just something you need to get by. But like I never thought I'd be like a pothead.

And now you don't strike me like you don't have you don't have substitute teacher energy and you don't have pothead and you don't have pothead energy. You know, I oh, I can be a pothead at times, especially during a time where I'm not working a lot. And I can and I can function pretty highly on it. No pun intended. And so I I just enjoy I like I like smoking pot before I go for a run because the whole time I feel like someone's chasing me. So it makes me go faster. So that's fine.

I like that. That's good. It's really good. And you never got into the Tootski? I love calling it Tootski. I'm on a quest to keep that...

phrase for Coke alive. Oh my God, I've never even heard that. No, I never got into the tootski and I'm grateful for that because I can get into pretty much anything and I never got into that. You know, I think I've done Adderall a couple times to finish a paper. That's where we're showing our age difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Adderall was not a thing and it

And everybody tells me that it has all of the great qualities of Coke without the downside. But when I when I was coming up, Coke was a sign of success. Yeah, it was absolutely what successful people did. Forgive me for not knowing. Did you have a Coke problem? Did you have to go to like rehab and stuff? I went to rehab, but it was for alcohol. Oh, really? OK. But then then did you switch to Coke? Like what's your what's. Well, here's here's what was amazing and what I learned.

was I went because I wanted to stop doing Coke. And then halfway through the rehab, they go, well, you're an alcoholic. I'm like, no, I'm not. My problem isn't that. My problem's Coke's the issue of my life. Right. Like, how many times have you done Coke without drinking first? Ugh.

I was like, well, maybe. And so what I realized was that I had to go to the initial source of the mood altering substance, which for me was alcohol. And I loved rehab. I fucking loved it. Like what was it like? I learned so much there. And how long were you there for?

30 days, the full time. Yeah. I mean, now I think now you have to understand this is I'll be 30 years sober in two weeks. Oh, my God. It was a long time ago. Yeah. Thanks. So and I think I think that.

The the protocol now is for people to stay a little longer than than back in the day when I went. But but then it was 30 days. So any part of you that wanted to go back even when you were clean because just to learn more? I mean, what you were just meditating and group therapy and all that stuff all day. Group therapy, family therapy. I mean, I learned this science around it, which is really, really helpful.

And, and it was like, I was always a pleasure to have in class in my life. I always was that nerd, that nerd in the front row, raising his hands, did his homework. That was all interested in.

You would be nice to the substitute teacher. You weren't one of the students that would... Nope. You wouldn't have to learn even that day. Yeah. Nope. I was never one of the cool kids in the back being a dick. Yeah, you were a good student. Yeah. So that served me well in rehab because it really was like college for me. Yeah. And I had that great sense of relief of like, oh my God, it's over. Oh my God, it's over. Thank God it's over. Yes. And that like...

It sounds weird, but like, I don't have to do it anymore. Yeah. As if freedom, someone was making me, which of course nobody was. That's really an interesting perspective. The, I don't have to do it anymore. And like freedom from it, as opposed to I'm missing out on this thing. It's like, yes, I'm done. That kind of elation. And yeah, that's, that's really interesting. And that's great that you found that.

I did, though, come out of it going, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, though. So I love this. I'm down. I want to be sober. I don't do any of it anymore. But I'm 26 years old. Are you telling me that this coming New Year's, there's not a sip of champagne and you're telling me that if I were to ever get married, there's no wedding toast? Are you telling me that if I ever have a kid, I'm not having a shot of whiskey and

With the boys about, is that what you're really fucking telling me right now? Yeah. Yeah. And I did all of those things and I did them all without any of those things.

And it was better than I ever could have imagined it being. I missed nothing. Yes. But in that moment where you're seeing how your life is going to play out in real time, it's really rough. And the FOMO, the fear of missing out part, was another part that was really hard for me. Especially when you drink every night of your life and that's all the fun you've ever had is associated with that thing that you were doing every night. So how will you ever have fun again? Yes.

You won't. You won't. That's what it feels like. It does feel like that. No, it feels like your life is over. Yep. And luckily, you're so beaten down that you'll take anything. You're like, oh, God, but at least I'm not going to be beaten down anymore. I mean, I may not have fun anymore, but if that's the price I got to pay for not being beaten down, I'll pay it. I mean, in terms of being – I don't mean to, like, ask you about your –

sobriety in such detail. But like, what was what was that moment that you were like, I can't do this anymore? Was it a bad hangover? Was it like for me for drinking? It was a bad hangover. I was just like, I don't want to feel this way anymore. And it was bad enough. But, you know, what what was it? It was I was always really close to my grandparents. And it was back in the days when they were answering machines.

And my mother was it was in the middle of the night. I was still up. Yeah. And my mom was calling me and I could hear her leaving the message. And the message was, you got to call me, pick up. Your grandfather's had a heart attack. Call me. Need to talk to you. And I couldn't pick the phone up because the state I was in. Right. And I went. So it was like, OK, I know what I need to do. I can handle this. And here was my thinking.

I need to go to my bed where I kept, instead of an Evian bottle, a bottle of Cuervo Gold. This is like, I'm the only idiot that gave up drinking before tequila got great. Like, like...

Like there were no like George Clooney wasn't making fucking tequila for me in my day. I was like eating Cuervo gold like every other schlup. So I would like my thing was like, OK, pound the Cuervo so you can go to sleep, so you can wake up, so you can deal with this as opposed to just picking up. Yeah. And I thought that's insane. Yeah.

That's insane. How did it get to that? And I just knew it was over. I just knew I had been carrying in my wallet the card of a drug interventionist in my wallet for a year. If you'd asked me why, I couldn't have told you. Yeah. But I did. And I had it. And I called the number the next day. And the day after that, I was on a plane to Sierra Tucson. And that was that. Wow. Wow.

Yeah, that's that'll do it. Just like, how did it get to this? Why is it like that's that's thanks for sharing that. Yeah, I mean, look, it's it's and then you add, you know, money, early success, all that stuff into it. And it's just a it's not a recipe.

It's not a good recipe. Yeah. I mean, but 26 is young to get sober in the scheme of things. I mean, I know you put in some good years there, but I did. And by the way, it was great. Well, when it worked, it was fucking awesome. I mean, listen, when you're when you're rolling on ecstasy next to Andy Warhol. Oh, my God. Watching Diana Ross and Central Park concert. Life is good. Yep.

There were good moments. I'm glad I have all that stuff. I'm really glad. Yeah. I remember getting sober and, you know, they talk about like the promises, the promises of a life of recovery. Right. And that they'll come to you. And I remember so vividly what I wanted for myself. And the great thing is what I wanted for myself, I didn't get. I wanted like my career to go to another level.

And I would get a Martin Scorsese movie. Right. Didn't get it. Still haven't gotten it. What I got was an amazing wife. Yeah. An amazing life. Two fantastic children. And a career that I love just as much. But it's that thing of like what the universe has in store for you.

is way fucking better than your idiot mind can ever imagine for yourself. Yes. And just trusting that. I would have said it. I would have settled for the one goyim.

part in a Martin Scorsese movie. I would have sold my future out for that. And you would have thought your life, that was all you needed in life. Yeah, I would have been like the good-looking wasp who gets his ass kicked by Joe Pesci in his umpteenth role as a thug. And that would have been my dream. Yeah. I mean, my dream was to do The Tonight Show and to be on TV. And I got those things. And all of the stuff in your career, every high that I've had is not the answer. There's more to life than these things.

these things we think we need on our IMDb page. I mean, I just knew we would have fun doing this. You're great at it. I'm so excited you have one. It's fun, right? It's so fun. Yeah, this is, you never know what these are going to be like, but this has been a lovely, like easy conversation. Do you do many podcasts? Yeah, I do them all the time. And I have my own podcast.

Getting ready to like maybe start another one. But I've been doing it for like 10 years. Like I've had a lot of podcasts. Okay, great. So, okay. You've been here for 10 years. You're an expert. Right. What do I need to know that I don't know now? God. I've been like doing a radio show for a while. I'm trying to think of my best like radio show tips.

do I need a better radio voice? No, no, no. Yours is great. Yours is great. No, I think you're nailing it because I think keeping it conversational and as soon as you said that you are willing to share anything and as soon as you said the roast joke that you quoted before, which is like the thing that was the worst joke about you and you could put that back out there, I'm like, oh, this guy leaves it all there. People just want honesty right now, especially when they're listening to someone in their

like it's a very intimate experience to be a podcast listener and you they're in your ears. You're not looking at them. You're just hearing them. It's just, you feel like you get to know them so much better. So as a podcast host, you owe it to your listener, I believe to be as honest and real as possible, more so than any other medium. And so I think you, you've got that covered. So this is going to be, this is going to be great for you. Oh, well, thank you. I, I, I do think people want

Honestly, in particularly in a time with so much heightened craziness going out there, they just don't want any fucking bullshit anymore. Yeah. And especially not from our actors. I'm tired of actors being faked. Oh, you guys got it. Like actors need to start learning that. Like and we saw this with the like since the quarantine, since actors have had to be kind of like.

on social media and more like, this is me in my life. We're realizing that they're not that cool outside of their roles. For sure. And the, the, the, the trick is just be real. Just like, we just want you to be real. Do we know that you're an actor and we know you're not going to be like that on camera. So just, just cut the bullshit.

And I think that's what it's so refreshing about you. It's like there's no there's no fakeness. I don't I don't sense you. I mean, you're you're an Adonis. You look like you look fake. You look like a statue is what I told you. But you do. You look like someone who would be so full of shit and like not really real and like not someone you could really get to know. But I'm grateful that you're you're telling it like it is.

Oh, thank you. We need more of that. And I think don't do it too much because comedians are the best at it. And like, we got to have jobs, too. So like, you guys are too good. Yeah. Don't get too good at being authentic. We need you to be a little like a leave a little bit for us. Don't worry. I got I've got untapped volts of phoniness. OK, good. Thank God. Just it's like the National Oil Reserve. It's always there for me to tap into as needed.

That's the way I look at it. Thank you, Ms. Glazer. You're the best. Thank you, Mr. Lowe. I'm envious that you're back in the Midwest. It's nice and safe. Take a picture of yourself standing under the arch for the photo, the credit sequence of your life as a TV series, which I'm kind of seriously obsessed about. I honestly do have a series about my life coming out on Quibi. We're writing it right now, but it was just announced that, like, I...

pitched this show and sold it. And the show was about me as me, um, about like on the precipice of getting like the tonight show. And right before it, I get canceled for having a bad set at the comedy store. Like I just do a joke that no one likes. And, um, and I get canceled and I lose everything and I have to move back home to St. Louis to live with my parents. Um,

And I sold this show a year ago and now I'm living it. So it's really wild. Yeah, I manifest it. So I do. I am going to have that opening shot in a show. Please. I know. Like the Mary Tyler Moore show where you throw your hat up. Yes. It's under the arch. Oh, God. I love it. That'll be it. I will make it after all. You will. Thank you, Rob. Thank you. You were great. Thank you for coming on. Bye. Bye.

Nikki Glaser alone in her basement. Now we know what she's doing in her basement. She's talking to me. And she was really fun and really smart. And I love talking about sobriety and recovery whenever I get a chance to do that. And that was great. And I hope you guys liked it as much as I did. She is a funny, funny, smart woman. All right. Thank you for tuning in. And we got another one coming up next week. And I know you're going to love it. Thanks. You have been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe.

produced and engineered by me, Devin Tory Bryant. Executive produced by Rob Lowe for Lowe Profile. Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Stitcher. The supervising producer is Aaron Blairt. Talent producer, Jennifer Sampas. Please rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts. And remember to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. ♪

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.

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