Tiffany Haddish: Worst Best Listener
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You're everywhere. How do I get to be everywhere? I guess just have really good energy and tell people how you really feel about things. Okay. Well, I think I'm ticking those boxes. I mean, I think so too. I think so too. Welcome to Literally With Me, Rob Lowe. My guest today is one of my newfound favorite people in the planet. One of the fun things about doing the podcast is sometimes you meet somebody new and you

And you just fall in love. And I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm in love with Tiffany Haddish. The last time we talked, I learned something that I didn't realize. Me too, by the way. Yeah. Jesus. I thought you was Hispanic. Well, OK, I'm glad you were Hispanic because they had drug your ass on TV and stuff because you was drinking and whatnot. So I figured I don't do that to white guys. So you must be Hispanic.

Right. So you don't make somebody mad. I don't know who you pissed off, but you pissed somebody off. Yeah. And then we had that conversation. I was like, oh, dang, you what? Well, see, here's I'm glad you brought this up because I want to I want to I want to do a deeper dive into this. Right. So because my so when my big fear was that you thought it was John Stamos, like that was keeping me up at night. And by the way, who is also not.

Hispanic. He's apparently Greek. I know that from the Greek yogurt commercials. I just don't think you were just famous. All right. So then I started thinking. I thought you was a blue eyed Mexican. That's what I thought you was, bro. Dude. There's a lot of them from Mexico City. I've done bar mitzvahs for them. Can I tell you, you have just given me a title. I wasn't going to write a third book, but you've given me a title that blue eyed Mexican is definitely going to be the title of my I'm writing a third book now.

That's what I thought. So it wasn't based on somebody else you thought it was like Freddie Prinze Jr. or somebody? Hell no. I know you, Rob Lowe. I know who Rob Lowe is. See, I didn't. I remember them talking about you drinking and all this stuff and partying. You're making this up now. I'm not making this up. I brought this review to take.

You have Googled me since we spoke. That's all that's happened. No, I have not. No, I have not. But you used to run with Robert Downey Jr., right? We were in high school together. And then we did run up and down the Sunset Strip. Right. And I thought he was Mexican as well. Wait, this is unbelievable. Venice High School!

No, Santa Monica High School. But you're right. The same. No, no, you're right. You know what? You are right. That is true. Yes. OK, but wait a second. Are you insinuating in our sensitive cultural times that only blue eyed Mexicans get fucked up? No, that is not what I'm insinuating. I'm insinuating that the media will expose any type of minority to.

That is popular. That is doing some sort of drugs or alcohol or whatever. And are not capable of what they consider to be a risk for their income or their empire that they're building. And they will drag your ass in order to get rid of you. Well, then how am I the only idiot white person that got dragged? I don't know. I think you fucked somebody's bitch. I don't know.

No, you fucked the wrong one, bro. Because they dragged you for a minute. But then you got the comeback. You got a comeback. See, Todd Bridges didn't get a comeback. No, he did not. Todd Bridges. I love that. That was the reference you went for just now. I like it. It's obscure and genius. And I ran with Todd Bridges, too. I know. That's why I'm saying it. Y'all was in a whole clique. Todd Bridges told me.

No, he did not. Yes. Office loss. We was on Slauson. I think it was Broadway. We was kicking and smoking some weed. He told me about all this shit. I never made it to the Slauson, the Slauson flop house with Todd Bridges. It wasn't a flop house. We was like sitting outside this like business, a little like taco truck situation. And we was just talking shit and smoking weed. Like,

There's a group of us and I had to be like 25, 26 years old. And he was talking about all the people that he ran with whose whose careers got basically smashed because of all the shit y'all was doing. And then all of y'all was able to make a comeback, but he couldn't make no comeback. And he he was trying to figure out how to make a comeback. But because he black, that's why he couldn't make that comeback. That's what he was saying.

Interesting. He said, but this is what he kept saying. This is why I think that's why this is part of why I think he was like, he kept saying Rob Lowe, that Mexican, he got a total free pass. No, he said, he said, but see Mexicans and minorities that look white get to get past. They get passes because they can pass. So when, when I talked to you before, you was like, as a white man, I'm like, you white. Cause I'm thinking, I mean,

When I thought, like, Robert Downey Jr. is, like, white and something else, right? But it's still, like, pretty much white. But I thought he was... Well, the minute you put Jr. on your name, you're likely not white, I think. Yeah, you're likely to be Hispanic or something. Like, you're trying to create some... Your family's trying to create some kind of legacy or something. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. So that's why I assumed it. And that's my bad. And I want to apologize. Oh, there's no need. Please. For trying to take your white power away from you and put you in another kind of box. I want to apologize. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, I am the, look, I'm the whitiest, whitey, whiterson that, like, I'm from Ohio. And, you know, my dad was, my grandpa was from the Rotary. Because I was just in Dayton, Ohio. And that shit. That's where I'm from.

That's why I'm free. You're not the whitiest white white. You're not the whitiest white white. Deluxe came from there, right? That's before.

Ohio players. Ohio players. Excuse me. Ohio players. My bad. Love roller coaster. Come on. Let's go. But that's where funk music came from. It's Dayton, Ohio, right? That's right. Some of the greatest bands of all time came from Dayton, Ohio. The Wright brothers who invented travel on airplanes came from Ohio. So I know. I know shit. I'm about to buy the midget theater. Okay. I'm about to go ahead and just buy the midget theater in Ohio.

Let's go. You want to go in on a movie? I do. I made my my I made my theatrical bones in Dayton, Ohio. I'd love to go back to the midget theater. Right. And Dayton, Dayton was popping with, you know, that kind of energy big time. And now it's kind of dilapidated because you left. Yeah. Me and me and industry.

Everybody. Everybody. You know who's still there? My dad is still there at 80 years old practicing law. Chuck Lowe. If you need a divorce, he's your guy. Okay. He's been through enough of them. He is an expert. He practices what he preaches. Does he have any partners that work on land? Because I'm going to buy land there. Well, you know who has land there in Yellow Springs? Yeah. Dave. Dave.

Yeah. Dave's, I mean, and I used to go get my ice creams in Yellow Springs and go hiking at the little Glen there. And I'm trying to get Dave on the show because I love him. He makes me, he's just the greatest. And I just want to do a deep dive with Ohio trivia with him. You're going to have to

have to go there. You know, he doesn't like doing zooms and all this stuff. He's not with any of that. You're going to have to go to yellow Springs and actually interview him. Like, and I think the last show that they're having is next weekend. So that's when you're going to have to go. I would do it in a minute. I mean, yellow Springs is gorgeous. What's what's,

Why is everybody going to Ohio again? I mean, I get it. I love Ohio. I totally understand it. But why is that in the ether, do you think? I think it's in the ether because of a few things. It's kind of safe there, safer than most places. It's got a lot of history. There's very rich soil, so you can grow a lot of food there. A lot of things can be grown. And

Distributed. Distributed. That's the word. Distribution. That's it. And I feel like it's a very beautiful place. I have never been there in the winter, so I don't know. I don't know about that wintertime life. I feel like from what I see, that is probably not that pleasant in the winter. But I feel like the people are so creative and kind and open and like,

that it would be okay to be there in the winter because the people are pretty awesome. I love Yellow Springs personally because Dave took me on a full-blown tour of it, showed me all his farmland, all the buildings he owns. He basically owns that town.

It's amazing. It's a few buildings that he doesn't own there. I feel like he's going to end up buying those too. And it's really like, you know, it's hipster and like mixed. It's a very liberal place. Now, outside of Yellow Springs, there are some very conservative. I see Trump signs everywhere. I'm not hating on that because it's still the land is beautiful. And the people aren't, they haven't been rude or mean to me. I've been like, get your black ass out of here. And I'm like that. Like I'm walking down the street. They're like, hello.

hello. And I'm like, hello. And it's all good. And you know, when I went to Dayton or some people know what to do, I'm like, oh, that one building that used to be the Chevrolet dealership. I want to get that one. But then one of my friends said that his friend owns it, but he doesn't know what to do with it. And I'm like, turn it to a roller skate lane.

It'd be the dopest roller skating rink. It used to be a car dealership where they brought the cars in. Like they didn't even have cars outside. Everything was inside the building, even the auto parts. Yeah, because of the winters. Believe me, you don't sell a car in the winter outside in Ohio. No, no. But roller skating was such a thing when I moved to...

to California. It was a Wednesday night roller skating. Okay. You know, you know what LA is like, you know, um, La Cienega Boulevard and Santa Monica Boulevard. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about. It was called flippers. It was called flippers. And Wednesday nights was the night. And you would see everybody. I remember it was always like Diane Cannon in her height. Like she would like, I mean, busting out of her, you know, like, this is like,

Oh, and Cher. Diane Cannon, Cher. Who else would be there? And I'd be all 15 years old, staggering around on my roller skates. We should bring those. You and I should bring that back. Well, you know, World on Wheels, right on Venice and is that Venice and San Vicente?

Yeah, it's open back up, but it's not open right now. But it's beautiful. They redid the whole thing and the floor like glows. And there's a bar there, which I'm like, that's dumb as hell because I've been intoxicated on wheels before. And it's just as bad as driving. It's not worse. I mean, worse.

It's worse. Like where you eat shit is where you go over backwards and try to put your hand down and you're just done. Man, I got drunk one time roller skating. Okay. And I thought I was cute. I didn't get drunk. I had one drink and I was running over so many children.

And I had so many bruises on my ass and my legs, broke three fingernails. Okay. And I was only out there for 15 minutes. So I would suggest that they don't have, if they're going to let the bar continue to be open. Cause I went there and LL Cool J was, there was like some hip hop night, like LL Cool J, Grandmaster Play, like all these old school rappers. No way.

Yeah, it was super cool. It was super cool. And I had a press and curl. I was taking it back to the old school, you know, because I'm an old fool who's so cool. And we was like, DJ Quick was there. It was so cool. And there was drinks at this bar, but there was a full arcade. They had like a restaurant set up and then the lockers for your like shoes and stuff for your roller skates. And like, it was super cool. It was just beautiful. It's beautiful.

That's good. What other kind of weird stuff are you into? I would never have picked you as a roller skater. I would have picked you as a lot of cool shit. I'm a surfer. No, I'm a roller skater. I'm a surfer. I like to consider myself the black gidget. How did you get into surfing? Men.

Smart. I love men. And whatever men are doing, I'm trying to do it too. I like that. As long as they do me in the process. Yeah, baby. You're like out in the lineup. I'm looking over. Let's go into the beach. No, honestly, honestly, I went to Kauai and me and my auntie went to Kauai and we thought we were going to go pick up guys. But turns out Kauai is like a honeymoon place.

And there was some cute guys at the bar and they're like, hey, we're going surfing. You want to come surf? And I was like, yeah, I want to go surfing. And so the locals were like showing me how to surf. I was like 21. And then so I got the basics of it there. And then I came back to L.A. and I started working at this youth center.

And at the youth center, we started a surfing program. And I thought this would be a great way for me to get a husband. So we started this program and we had volunteers. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop. It's gone. Wait, I got to stop you right there. It's gone from hooking up to a husband program.

Yeah. That's a huge jump in what you're looking for. Yeah. Because by the time that happened, I was 23. So I'm looking for a husband at that point. Like, you know, so, so we started a surfing program and, um, and we got like HBO and, um,

I think it was Warner Brothers, a bunch of studios to be mentors that were into surfing and like different surfer, you know, cliques and groups and stuff to mentor. And we got surfboards and wetsuits and stuff for the kids. And so and instructors. And yes, I met a few guys. So what's the what's the and I did something good for the kids.

No, it's great. And surfing, I grew up in Malibu when I moved from Dayton, and I only learned how to surf in my 40s because when I moved to Malibu, if you were a 12-year-old kid –

They wouldn't let you be out there learning. They'd beat the living shit out of you. Surfers in those days were really gnarly. And so it took me years to learn how to surf. But I love it. What's the biggest wave that you think you've surfed? Or are you just more like chill? Probably like I'm more chill. I mean, I've definitely been in a tube before. No way. Where? Yeah, I've been in a tube before in Hawaii when I went back. But no, I'm like Huntington Beach. Yeah.

It was Huntington Beach. You can drink and surf, too. You can drink and do anything. No, you can't. Come on. You cannot drink and roller skate. But you can drink and surf. And yeah, in Huntington Beach. Because we were like drinking and that's when I was dating that white guy. And that was super cool. I was going to say, you're not meeting any brothers out there surfing. No. Yes. But I did, though. He was like number two in the world. His name was Carlos. Shit, I dated two black dudes named Carlos. I can't remember his name.

But anyway, the surfer, he was from Minnesota and he was a surfer. Wait, you wait, wait, wait. You find a black guy from Minnesota from Minnesota who's a surfer. Who's a surfer? Because his mom married a white lawyer who would take them on trips all around the world. And so he learned how to surf and he became like number two in the country. I mean, he was so handsome and he has too much dick, too much dick, too much. Did it? Yeah. You can't.

I don't even know. I love it too much. Just too much. Too much. And it was quite, it was too much. And he was a hoe. I'm like, decide what you want. You want this brown sugar or you want the white sugar? What do you want? Because I'm not going to be walking around here with my coochie hurting all day and you sleeping with everybody. No, no. I think that's a good plan.

I mean, I can't really relate, but I... I know you can't, but I mean... But I like the planning behind it. I like the logic. Do guys get sore penises? Like, if you're doing too much, like, if it's the coochie-tooth type of stuff, like, does your penis ever get sore? Mine was iron-plated during the 80s. So you didn't have no soreness? Plated with iron. I feel like it's too much... It was like the S.S. Merrimack in the Civil War. It was like the... So it's too much sex didn't, like, make you sore? No.

Yeah. I mean, I just want to do I want to do guys because like I just rough sex or just too much sex. It makes me sore. And I wonder if that's a problem for me. But I talk to the women. Every woman experiences this. But I wonder, do guys get sore penises? Look, everything hurts. Everything hurts. And as you get and listen, as you get older.

Everything hurts, not just your dick. It's like your knee. You want to put a pillow under your knees now. This was my 20s, bro. This was my 20s, and it was just too big. And it tilted. It tilted my uterus. I go to the doctor. She's like, your uterus is tilted, honey. I was like, I thought so, because it hurts all that goddamn time. So now I have to work on getting alignment of my uterus and stuff, because his thing was too big, and it was tilted.

I think that might be the best sort of sex talk. You're tilting my uterus. I think that would really work. You're knocking my uterus out of alignment with all that dick you got. I got to go to a uterus chiropractor. For real. Hold that thought. We'll be right back.

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Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. How did you get into CERT? Well, you mentioned Gidget. How do you even know Gidget? What Gidget is? First of all, I was born in 1979, okay? And I was born to a mother who was very nostalgic. And my grandmother, too, very nostalgic. And, like, they would buy lots of VHS tapes of all their favorite shows, right?

everything that they loved. And we didn't have cable. And when you, when we had regular TV, the TV was always fuzzy. You know, it's always cloudy because the signal's not good and we have really bad antennas. So you plug the VCR up and you watch

all the videotapes that your mother and grandmother have purchased. So I'm watching red skeleton. I'm watching Charlie Chaplin. I'm watching Gidget. I'm watching my three sons. I'm watching, you know, leave it to beaver. The, the, the Brady bunch, we're watching all these shows. And I'm like, where are the black TV shows? Right now. So then my mom got, I think it was Claudine, uh,

And she got some like good time stuff. Like, cause we were, cause we kept asking like, where are the people that look like us? And that's, this is the part that was so crazy as I was watching all this stuff. And I used to think that all white people lived in TV or like in Hollywood, right? They all lived in Hollywood, even though I lived in South Central LA and that's not far from Hollywood, but we didn't go on the other side of Wilshire often. So, and anytime I saw somebody white, I thought they were,

Like from chips. Like I saw the police all the time. I thought they were from chips. We had a few white teachers at my school. I thought they worked for PBS. You know what I'm saying? This is the great, you should, I want to do a TV show idea with you where it is, it's real life. But when the white people leave, whatever, a certain area, they go and live in a TV set. I was like, until we moved to Pomona. When we moved to Pomona, I was like eight, seven, eight.

We moved to Pomona and it was so many white kids, but Hispanic kids too. So I was cool with the Hispanic kids and it was only like four black kids. And I was trying to be friends with the black kids, but they were telling me, get away because you're too black. They told me I was too black.

And then I had this one white friend, Amber. She was the only one that was nice to me. Only that was that was cool. Her dad was totally a redneck, totally didn't want me in the house. And then one day she said, Daddy, I want to be my friend. So she's going to be my friend. And he was like, all right, whatever you want. But y'all got to play outside. Right.

I couldn't come in the house, but I played. She had a dollhouse, like a big old dollhouse that you could walk into in the backyard, like a playhouse, I guess. So we played in there. We played with our dolls and stuff. And I remember my stepdad's sister-in-law came to visit us. And she was definitely white. And she was married to my black uncle, step-uncle. And she brought me a black Barbie doll. And I was furious. Wow.

I was furious with her. I think I'm going to post a picture because I just came across a picture of it. My sister gave me the picture. She was like, do you remember this day? I said, oh my God, yeah, I was crying. I threw the doll on the ground. I thought she was trying to make fun of me and try to be mean to me because she asked me before she came, what did you want? What do you want? I said, I want a Malibu Barbie. I really want a Malibu Barbie.

She came. That's not a Malibu Barbie. Nope. She had a black Malibu Barbie. And I was like, I don't want this.

I was so ungrateful, so disrespectful. I threw it on the ground. I told her, why would you do that? I asked for a Malibu Barbie. Like I was something I got. I got the worst whooping of my life because my mom was like, you can't be doing that to you. Can't be disrespected. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This lady brought you a gift. I was like, I don't want it. It's ugly. She's trying to say I'm ugly. And then it was this whole conversation about how.

you know, that everyone's beautiful. And just because you're brown doesn't mean you're ugly. I was like, yeah, but the brown Barbie's never on the commercial. She's never on TV. It's always the white one, the beautiful one. Like that's the one I wanted. But it's true. Particularly in those days, they were, there's no people of color in any of those shows. So much so that like I grew up in Dayton in a place called Oakwood. It's very lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily, lily

And then I moved into the inner city. And then all of a sudden, I was surrounded by all kinds of people of color. And the only time I'd ever seen people of color was on Sesame Street. So I thought the people of color only live on Sesame Street. Like with fucking Big Bird and shit. I was like, I had the... So you thought the white people lived in TV. I thought the people of color lived in TV. I'm telling you, this is a television show where people live inside their televisions. Right. Right.

Right. Because I'm telling you, and I'm so jealous of kids today because they have access to so much information. They like we had encyclopedias, bro. And we have to just believe what that said. And you had to be smart enough to read the encyclopedia. I couldn't even freaking read. Everything was visual for me. Everything was, you know, audio, visual, like whatever happens on TV. Would you tell me? That's what I know. Like I was at a point where...

We talked about this before. I'm sorry to interrupt you because it's really fascinating, though. When you – your lack of ability to read early on you feel was – had nothing to do with education, lack of education, role models, any of that cultural, socioeconomic stuff. It was purely based that you have some – that you, like my son, had a visual processing disorder or something like that, right? Right, and I believed and I was told –

that I was stupid. Like, like it's, your words are so important when you talk to children because they're

their children are like usually way more intelligent than you are, but still naive and ignorant in so many ways. So once I learned what stupid means, stupid means you are not capable. You are not smart enough or intelligent enough to accomplish something. Right. So when I'm learning how to read in, in Pomona in, you know, six, seven years old, I could spell three letter words.

Easy. If I saw something, McDonald's, boom, I know what that is. Like by the shape of the word, I know what it is. But tell me to write it. Tell me to write out a word that has more than three letters. Can't do it. Tell me to write if. Can't do it. I spell it E-F because that's what makes sense to me, right? So my stepdad would tell me I'm stupid. My mom would tell me I'm stupid. Grandma would say, everybody, the teachers, everybody, the students, everybody would tell me I'm stupid. And so I believed that.

That I was not capable of learning. Because when I heard stupid, it was mostly when it came to reading stuff. So I believed I was dumb. I believed it. Stupid. I'm not capable. And then I had a drama teacher who noticed that I couldn't read. But at this point, I'm like 14. You know, she realized I couldn't read. And she made me come to her class every day and read to her. And then I was able to read. And then I lost my, I feel like it slowly diminished my ability of memory. But I'm working on it.

Because I had a superpower. Anything someone said, I could memorize it. I would manipulate people into reading things for me or to me, and I would memorize it, and I could make it work. But I know all my alphabets. I know letters. I know the shapes of them and stuff. It just was hard for me to put that shit together when it was in a sentence or a paragraph. Yeah.

I have it with numbers. I'm horrible, horrible with numbers. And honestly, even at this stage of my life, I have to remind myself that like, no, no, you're not incapable of quote unquote business and all of those things. You just, numbers don't work for you the way letters didn't work for you. My question is, what do we do to identify kids like you and me?

and help them. Because you're one of the least stupid people I've ever had on the show. I could talk to you for a thousand hours about, not just because of your personality and you're hilarious and stuff, but your knowledge is really, really interesting to me. Well, I got super thirsty for knowledge once I learned how to read and comprehend. And I think the way to identify those kids is really just to pay attention to children. Like, I feel like people don't pay attention to them. They just look at them

but they don't really pay attention or communicate with them. And especially now that we got these cell phones and kids can kind of like just dig for information themselves. They don't even have to ask you why. They can ask Google why. And then they're getting information that may not even be correct. They don't even know how to use discernment yet, you know? So they can be misinformed and miseducated and just being able to,

We should talk to our kids more like my drama teacher. She would talk to me every day. She would ask me questions about what would you eat for dinner last night? How you doing? What's going on with you? You know, she would communicate with me to the point where she could tell when I was uncomfortable with something.

She could tell that like every time it was time for us to read a paragraph or do a scene. And I didn't have if I didn't have that scene beforehand to get somebody to read it to me so I could know it like it would. I would become so my body language, everything. I would get an attitude. I would be like, I got to go to the bathroom. Like as soon as I see it's like coming up to me.

And I would like, get the fuck out of there and take the, and if I had the sides already or whatever, I will find somebody while I'm on my way to the bathroom. I'll go to the Dean's office. And like, I would talk the Dean into reading shit to me. Like I was super mastermind manipulator, but I thought I was stupid. Right. Not till I turned 18 and I was working at the airlines and this girl was like,

Tiffany, you're so stupid. I was like, call me stupid again and see what happens. I'm going to beat your ass at this damn ticket counter. Call me stupid again. She was like, I was just saying you was funny. And then they hit me like all these years people been trying to tell me I'm funny. But this is how black people tell each other they're funny. You're stupid. All these years I've been blocking myself thinking I'm not smart enough to learn these things.

But I'm a genius. Yeah. You 100 percent. I'm just realizing that at 40 that I'm a genius because of all the things that when you sit back and look at all the things I've done, like even the world doesn't know about some of the things I've done in my life. The way that I was able to pull that off, the greatest hoax ever. Like I'm a hoax. I don't know.

I mean, have you ever gotten in a situation where you had to be on some award show or somewhere and read a teleprompter? Yes! And I just start making shit up. Amazing. Just make it up. Yeah. Or I just stumble. I stumble through the words and I go, hey, guys, I'm at the LA Unified School District. I can't read that great. I just tell the truth. Just tell the truth. LA Unified School District is...

It's not a factory of academia, I can tell you. No, no. That's for sure. They just teach you how to be an employee and how to kind of pass through. Oh, 100%. Pass by. Don't be excellent. That's, I think, the problem with American education. When I was at Santa Monica High School, SAMO, or as you like to call it, the Mexican high school. That's what it was.

growing up. I'm sorry, but that's what it was about. No, I had, see, my problem was I had the audacity to get really good grades and have a job. And when I went to them and said, look, I have the ability to go do a movie with Francis Ford Coppola. I'm in my senior year. I've already been accepted to college. They were like, well, then you're not graduating. And I never did graduate from Santa Monica High School. Never did.

That because I wasn't – they just want to move you in, move you out. It's either you get to college and God bless you or you go work at 7-Eleven and that's it and you fit a mold and move on. Of course, now they – I'm in their Hall of Fame and they want me to do a bunch of shit for them, but they never –

I never graduated. Never. I have no high school education. I had to take the GED to have it because they wouldn't they wouldn't do it. That is so messed up. And that just reiterates my point about like it's about creating employees and the bodies. They need the bodies there. Right. And they get a check for every single student that's there and for how many days you show up. And if you're not physically at that school, but you're still a student and you've accomplished all these things physically.

They won't give you your high school diploma because you're not physically there because they don't get that check. That makes sense. I've never known that. They get a check for every single student that's there. So it's like...

it's it's they don't care if you're learning it's not about if you're educated it's about do you show up on time or is your body here which teaches you how to be a fucked up employee and that's why america i think is in the situation it's in because we don't really value education like they say they value education but really they value your body being there now if it was look

Everyone has to have this type of IQ in order to graduate. Right. And in order for this school to get paid, everyone has to be and they have to be visionaries if they demand that every single person has a vision, which creates entrepreneurship. Right. Yeah. And because that's what America is supposed to be about the American dream, being able to create any kind of job, any kind of thing that you want. Right. Right.

So if they demanded that you come up with a vision for a business and if they demanded that you have a certain IQ level in order to graduate, then you would have smarter Americans and you would have better employees and we would have stronger industry here. And we probably wouldn't treat each other so shitty. Where did you get? Well, I don't understand. Where did you get all your your drive and work ethic from?

Watching my grandmother work and my grandma always saying, like, nobody's going to put food on your table without you having to compromise your body. You know, my grandmother, my grandmother didn't tell me that. That's interesting. Yeah. I mean, she has five kids, four baby daddies.

She had to figure it out. She had to figure it out, right? And her whole thing was like, earn your own money. Don't depend on no man to put anything in your bank account or anything. Like, you can want that, but just know you're going to be opening your legs. You're going to be giving up... Every time you have sex, that's a piece of your soul, giving up. Your vagina is like a house, right?

You don't want everybody in your house. You don't want to tear it down. You want to have value because men, once they put that, when you get married, a man is buying your home. He's buying your house. He's putting, he takes your name off. He puts his name on. Now you're his property. And just because you're his property doesn't mean he's going to take good care of you. Doesn't mean he's going to provide for you. Doesn't mean he's going to be good to your children. Doesn't mean anything. You don't know. You have to be strong enough to provide. Doesn't mean he's going to live.

You could be at a disadvantage at any time. So be prepared. And she kicked my ass out the house. I'm listening to that.

Made me really strong. She's still alive. I spend thousands and thousands of dollars every month. She has Alzheimer's now and dementia or is it dementia? They're the same thing to me. Both of them are the same to me. And she's deteriorating slowly but surely. She's not walking. When she sees me, though, she lights up. She hears my voice. She lights up. You know, I know she loves me. She always tells me I'm a pretty girl. But she just recently seen me with my haircut. And she's like, you're the most pretty.

Man, girl, you know what I want? My my my my dad's mother had had the same thing. And my dad tells a story about going to visit her and having the most wonderful lunch. And they laughed and they cried and they just bonded in ways. He said he hadn't spoken to his mom like that in years and years. And as he got up to leave, she said, I just need to tell you, you're such a wonderful person. And you remind me so much of my son. But he's so much younger than you are.

How about them apples? Right? Heavy and crazy, right? Yeah, but my grandmother thinks that my brother is her first boyfriend. And she keeps asking him, when are we going back to the river?

The river. And she keeps winking at him. When are we going back to the river? Oh, don't you just want to know? Come on. Tell me about that river. Yeah. And I'm like, what happened at the river, Grandma? None of your business. Who's Grandma? And then she keeps grabbing my brother's butt. And he's like, this is getting inappropriate. He's like screaming at her. It's too good. Grandma, stop. I'm trying to change your diaper. Oh, my God.

And she keeps flirting with him. Every time a man comes around, she flirts with the man now. And I'm like, oh, that's where I get it from. And we'll be right back after this.

All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I'll never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. ♪

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. Come on, jump. I don't know if I'll make it. Hurry. The floor is lava.

Oops. Hey, life happens, which is why your favorite styles from Ashley are available in life resistant high performance fabric with removable machine washable fabric slip covers that make it easy to clean spills, dirt and imaginary lava. For more mess and less stress, shop Ashley's high performance furniture in store or online at Ashley dot com. Ashley, for the love of home. You're a big movie star now. Have you learned any any acting tricks to upstage people yet?

No, I don't know. Would you like to know some? Would you like me to teach you some? Fuck yeah. I've only been working on acting tricks to memorize lines because I've lost my ability to memorize things because I can read now.

Well, you got to learn. Listen, it's a dog eat dog world. You think it's tough in the streets of L.A. You're now in the streets of Rodeo Drive and you you got to get it. You come on. You got you got it. It's a dog. We were Nicolas Cage in three weeks. Oh, what? Tell me what I can do. You're fucked. You're going up against the master of scene stealing. Really?

I hope, and I'm dead serious here, I hope you are availing yourself to the amazing oeuvre of Mr. Nicolas Cage. Teach me! My man, because I knew him when his name was Nick Coppola, and...

And he, yeah, he, cause he's Francis Ford Coppola's nephew. Yeah. And he changed his name to Nicholas cage. Cause he, you know, he wanted to make it on his own and all that stuff. And so I've known Nick a long time and, and he was in that crew. Was he in that crew with you guys getting fucked up and shit? He was in the crew with Johnny Depp, Carrie Elways and Charlie Sheen. And they all have matching, uh,

Stingray they're called the stingrays and they had a matching tattoos of a stingray in a bathtub Don't ask me why by the way, I wasn't invited. I was not in the stingrays The stingrays have just I think the stingrays disbanded around 1989 but yes, absolutely and And if you actually look at interviews of care, wait a minute, you were in the princess bride. It's all coming full circle This is fantastic

So you were in the Princess Bride Zoom benefit this week. You played Buttercup. Uh-huh. Carrie Elwes of Stingray Nicolas Cage fame was the original prince. Yes, he was the prince. So he's in the Stingrays with Nick Cage. And when you work with Nick Cage, you must ask him. I'm going to ask him about the Stingrays.

Stingray's tattoo and watch him because he's a master of scene stealing. He's the best, whoever was. But here's the thing. Here's the one thing I'm going to give you. So when they're...

When they're like, let's say you're doing a driving scene. Okay. And the camera, there's a camera on each window, right? Cause they're shooting your profiles called a raking two shot. Like my face is, is in on, on this level. Then just slightly forward will be the other, the driver. He'll be slightly forward, but there'll be in the same thing. Right. So when it's, when it's, when they're talking, get something out the glove compartment. You thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

Because guess what they have to do then? Look at me. They have to cut to your side. They have to cut to the other side. And it's you. And there's all kinds of people who do that, that kind of great stuff. But I think it would be great if you tried to pull every one of those trickaroons on Nick Cage. You know, I probably do that naturally anyways.

Because you're just a, you just, you just know how to do that stuff. Well, I don't know how to do that stuff, but just like, I think in a way of like, oh, this person's talking, how would I respond to that? What do you do when, like, I'm the best person

I'm the worst best listener. Like I'm listening to you, but at the same time, I'm going to be moving. If you like, you just say like the profile shot, I'll turn my head, like trying to give you the profile. Like, you know, I'm like, if you tell me like, yeah, you got to, yeah. I was telling you how do you got to use both hands? And you're like, what if I do it with one hand? And I'm like, I'm showing you, like, I'm showing you both hands. Like I can't help, but in a conversation, like,

To physically respond to what you're saying. And I just can't be still. But that's also how I learn. Like, you should see me at a lecture. When somebody's giving a lecture and I'm like, I'm digging it. I'm leaning forward. Then I'm like, lean it back. Then I do something like this. Like, when they say something that blows my mind, I'm like...

Like, they're going to see me. Do the directors ever say, hey, Tiffany, so that take was good. A little active. Maybe just a little bit less. Just a little, maybe just shit and listen. Did they ever give you that? Always. Just be still. Just be still. Just use your eyes. I'd be like, okay. And so then I'm just using my eyes. I'm like, boing, boing, boing. You're like, ariga, ariga. Like those Bugs Bunny eyes.

Being still is actually the single hardest thing to do as an actor. The worst thing in the world. It's the most boring, hardest thing. I need an action. When we start a scene, I like, even if there's like, there's you're supposed to like, when we did Madam C.J. Walker, right? There's hairbrushes and hot combs everywhere. And the scene will start. And they're like, okay, just stand there. And I'm like, okay. Brush your hair slowly. Okay.

I can't just be, it's like almost impossible. I think about when I was in junior high and the lady from, that played the maid on the Brady Bunch.

Oh, Alice B. Davis. Alice B. Davis. Alice B. Davis came to one of the earliest closeted lesbian characters in television history, I'm convinced. Yes. Oh, for sure. Oh, for sure. For sure. Come on. She came to our junior high school and she talked to us and she told us how she was a mannequin in the window for years. For 20 years, she was a live mannequin and that she couldn't blink.

And I was like, that's impossible. You can, that's it. Only black girl in the class. Okay. Yelling at this white woman. That's impossible. You have to blink unless you're not human. And then I lean over to the black boy that's in class. I told you these white people. Because I was trying to get him to fall in love with me. That's the only reason I even got in drama. Cause I thought if he's black and drama and I'm black and drama, they're going to make us kiss. It's going to be great. And he's going to love me.

Never worked out that way. But she showed us how she did it. She was just like posing and her hand and like my hand still moves and stuff like my heartbeat. She's like, you have to control your heartbeat. You have to focus on one thing and just breathe very. Who knew? And B. Davis. I didn't know she had the depth. She was a model of window.

mannequin model. How does the, wait, how does the star of the Brady Bunch end up at your drama? That's pretty impressive. I would have been like loving that. I was going to Hell Middle School in Woodland Hills and my teacher, her name was Miss Young and she used to, I guess, she said, okay, I don't know for sure, but she said she used to be a part of like these acting groups or whatever and they used to do like community plays. I actually think she was a part of a lesbian group.

Hence, the Anne B. Davis. Exactly. Hence. Hence. And she was always so open-minded. I used to be like, where is the segregation and the racism when you need it? Put me and Audie in a seat together and let us kick. But she always wanted to do interracial relationships. Oh, she screwed you over. She's in the way of your master plan. Yes. This bitch. Ah.

The only thing worse than systematic racism is when it comes and goes and it fucks you out of when you thought you figured out a way to game the system. Yeah. Here I go. I figured out how to use the systematic racism. Me and I are going to kiss. He's going to fall in love with me. I'll be pregnant by 10th grade. And no, this bitch never interracial relationships. Now he's dating white girls and Spanish girls.

Do you ever see people from that era of your life? Yeah. Do you ever run into, like, that guy or anything and be like, mm-hmm, how do you like me now? Yes. Oh, my God. Look, I used to send Adi candy grams from the time we were in eighth grade. Yeah, eighth grade all the way until we were seniors in high school. I sent him candy every other week, every holiday. You know, the little candy grams with the notes on it. And I would tell him that, you know, I really like you a lot. I would love you if you would spend more time with me. And, like, he would let me copy his homework.

And like, well, you know, we would crack jokes. My favorite thing was to hear his laugh. He had the best laugh in the whole wide world. I wrote about him in my book.

And then he went off to play for the Redskins. Is that still their name? I don't know. They're the Washington Football Club now. Oh, well, he went to play for the Washington Football Club. But back then it was the Redskins. And he became like a great real estate guy, just commercial real estate. He has like five kids. And I knew, I knew he was going to be a great husband, a great guy. I knew it when we were kids. I knew it. I knew it. And I was trying to lock him in, right? Yeah.

could not lock him in, could not make it. Like he even lost his virginity to a girl named Tiffany. I was so mad. I was so mad. Cause I'm like, and cut to when we were 21, he saw me, he's like, wow, Tiffany, you've really blossomed. You look amazing. I was like, yeah. And I got a boyfriend now. Right. And then just recently, like two years ago, I do a show at the, at the Nokia. I sell out the shows over 7,000 seats, sell out the show.

And it was like a high school reunion. Everybody that I went to school with came and he came and he was backstage with his wife. And his wife is the first one to talk to me. She was like, I love you. I love everything you said in the book. And yes, you are right. His teeth rotted out. Those aren't even his teeth anymore. You ruined his teeth. And I was like, yes.

And then he's like, Tiffany, and he looked exactly the same, except his teeth were bigger and whiter. And he's so beautiful. And I still was like, my heart still like kind of melted a little bit like, oh, and then he's like, man, I'm just so proud of you, Tiffany, like everything you said you were going to do when we were kids, you did it. And I was like, yep, except for you. But it's OK. I've moved on to bigger and better things.

And like, he gave me the best hug. It's the best. Like he used to always give me the best hugs when we were kids. That's why I love him so much because I was going through a lot. I was going through a lot. And so, and he would give me a hug every time he saw me. So I thought that meant he was in love with me and that I should be in love with him and that we would have the most beautiful babies. But yeah.

What a good story. I love that. And you knew he was there in the audience, right? Did you know he was coming? I did not. I knew. No way. Somebody told me he might come. And they've been telling me that for years. Oh, Adi's in town. He's going to come. Like, he never showed up. So they were saying he might be there. He might be there. And I'm like, oh, man, if he's there, that would be crazy. And I kept checking with my staff to see if he, like, checked in. Did he get his tickets? Because I put his tickets to the site, like special tickets for him.

And they're like, no, no, no. And then when we get backstage, I get backstage where everybody is there. There he is. But his wife is the one who gives me the big, like greets me first to let me know, like, bitch, this is still my man. That's what I think she was trying to do. Exactly. Exactly. But I wasn't tripping. I don't want him no more. Like, I don't want him no more. Look, I'm doing bigger, better things. But.

He really helped my heart, though. He helped my heart. Before COVID, and we used to do meet and greets. I'm assuming you did those, right? Yeah, a lot of them. People come and say hi. What's the craziest thing anyone's ever said to you?

Because I've had crazy stuff said to me in the meet and greets. Crazy. A lot of crazy things. Okay, so one person asked if they could have, somebody asked if they could have my underwear that I was wearing right then. There you go. Bingo. I said no, because I'm not wearing any. And they were like, oh. They were like, damn. A little, a little, a little, a little.

Another person told me that they were going to name their child after me. Whether it's a boy or a girl, we're naming them Tiffany Haddish. And I was like, don't do that. Don't do that. And then, you know what's crazy is just recently I went to open up a bank account at a black owned bank and there was already a Tiffany Haddish there that's two years old. Oh, that's amazing. So somebody did name their child Tiffany Haddish. That's, see, I love like. I don't know how to feel about that.

I think it's great. Are you kidding? It's great. I feel like they're trying to steal my identity. No. It's an homage. I wouldn't mind if the first name was had. No, they didn't even have no other last name, though. Okay, that's a little odd. There was no, there was just Tiffany Haddish. That's the name of it. Two years old. Like, you couldn't give them, like, I feel like you're setting this up to steal my identity. Ooh, well...

That at the same bank, I'm deep. First of all, what's a two year old doing having a bank account? Let's discuss that. OK, I'm a little slower on the uptake. It took me a minute to to to process that factoid. Two year olds don't need bank accounts with your name. No, no. But you know what you can do no matter how old you can buy a house as soon as you're born. You can. Yeah, I know that you can buy a house as soon as you're born.

I know you're doing a lot of deep digging and you're on on on all of this. And I think it's good. You can buy a house like your parents can buy a house and they go ahead as soon as you're born. They like they have a trust for you or money for you. And that is what puts down the down payment. You can get it as soon as you got a social security number and they show that you have a trust or money behind you. You can get a loan.

Right? This is how parents get phone bills in your kids' names and shit. You feel me? That builds up your credit. Boom, they buy a house. They put the house in your name. You're only two.

And you're ahead of the world. You're ahead of the game already. You're ahead of the curve. What did I say? Why don't I ask you one of the, what? So tell me, tell me this. I could talk to you for hours. No, we could talk for hours. You had just bought, speaking of buying things, you just bought in your old neighborhood where you grew up as a girl. Am I right about that? Mm-hmm. You told me that all the black people had left. They did. They're all gone. It's like Hispanic and white people now. I'm like, where are all the black people?

And you told me they, where did you say that they went to? Palmdale, Lancaster, San Bernardino. Right. They didn't hit me, man. Where are all the black people at? They got out.

They moved to Section 8. See, what happened was like, OK, so things start getting like more expensive. And a lot of the land is owned by white people. Right. And the black people are renting. And people started being like the grandkids or the children of the people that owned it. You know, they're like, well, we could continue to rent or we could just move back into our place. It would save us so much money.

Right. So they take the Section 8 off of it. They redo the house a little bit and they move back in. They move in to their childhood home or their grandparents home or whatever. And so then that displaces the people that were renting and they're only renting because they don't understand how banking works to get a loan and buy.

Or they're not able to get a loan because they don't make enough money or they're not, or they never even tried because they just assume I'm black and they're not going to give me money. Interesting. That would make perfect sense. So like, I have a friend whose grandmother is, you know, she's, oh,

I don't know how old she is, to be honest. She's black, so I don't know how old she is. I just know she looks exactly the same from when we was like 18. And it's been 20 years. So she looks next. So anyways, she's lived in the same house, does not own that house. She's been in that house for over 40 years and has been renting that house all these years. When her grandmother passes away, there's no there's nothing for her to inherit except all the stuff that's in there.

Right. And her grandmother to her, her grandmother goes, well, that way you guys won't have anything to fight over. Just this stuff inside. But it's definitely a strategy. You got to tell them about the bank where the two year old Tiffany Haddish is getting ready to take your money. Who's already getting established. You need to have her investigated. I think when we're done with this podcast, the first order of business for you is

Get figuring out this two year old Tiffany Haddish. You know, what's funny is I already am on top of that. Yeah, that's my girl. Who is this two year old Tiffany Haddish? Who is their mother? Why do they think they can do this? Like, is this a real person? All of that. All over it.

I want, I want you to write, I mean, you, you've already written a book, I know, but I want you just to do, you know, like those, I'm good friends with Maria Shriver and she always writes these like little piffy, tiny, you buy, you find them by the checkout thing. They're little like Christmassy and it's just like words of wisdom. I just, I just, I just need one or two sentences. I don't even need a whole book.

But words of wisdom, Tiffany Haddish, why you should surf, why you should get alone, why you should. I want that book really badly. Not kidding. I'm sure you thought that book. Yes. I want to do the how to how to book by Tiffany Haddish. Yes. How to celebrate Father's Day when you don't know your dad. Yeah. Some deep how to's and some not so deep how to's.

How to apply for a loan. No, this is insane. And I'm thinking making an audio book, right? And I pitched it to Audible and they're like, nah, how about you just do a book about going to Africa and all the Hollywood shit that's gone down over the last three years. And I'm like, wah, wah, wah, wah.

How about I do a how-to book and in the course of me telling you how I did this or how I think this should be done, maybe some Hollywood shit comes out. Maybe not. But my experience does. It's always so gross to me what people want. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, God, really? It's like, could it be any more? Were you up all night trying to figure out that's what you wanted from me? Really? Really? Like, yeah.

I was hanging out with Sharon Stone. This is one of my favorite stories to tell. I asked Sharon if it's cool for me to tell her. She's like, yes, tell, tell, tell. So, like, Sharon and I, we do this movie with Billy Crystal, right? She tells them to put her in the same hotel I'm staying in.

So she's hitting the bell guy up every day saying, tell Tiffany how she should call me. Tell her to call, giving me notes. Right. And I call the room, nobody answers. So then I'm just like, whatever. And then she gives him her cell phone number, says, tell her to call myself. So now I call her. So nobody answers or whatever. So I leave a message. I leave a message. Right. So she calls me at 11 o'clock at night and she's like,

honey, I'm sorry. I missed you. This is like three days ago. Hey, I'm sorry. Mr. Kyle. I went out to this event. What are you doing? Where are we smoking weed? Your room or mine? Mind you, I never met her before. Okay. Never met her before. Where are we smoking weed? My room or yours? I'm like, you're what floor are you on? She's like, I'm on the pig house level. I said, we smoking in your room. Shit. Cause I'm on the eighth floor. So I go to her room.

And she's like, so she just, you know, she like just washed off her makeup, put on her little comfy clothes. I got on my little comfy stuff. And she's like, do you want some tea? I'm like, yeah, sure. I'd love some tea. And she pulls out this little weed. We smoking weed and stuff. Are we pretty good? The weed I brought better. And we smoking, we talking, we laughing, right? We sitting on the couch and stuff, laughing, talking.

And she's just telling me how much we have in common, like how she's like read up on me and she was just amazed how much we have in common. And I'm looking at her like, really, white lady? We got a lot in common. Really, Miss Ben Rich, your whole life? Really? Right.

You've been in foster care? Really? No. She's like, no, my mother has mental illness. Like you say, your mother does. And I was struggling with that relationship. Just like you were talking about how you struggling with it. And then the more she was talking to me, I'm like, I'm not going to do it.

this is gonna be me when i get old except not white like this is gonna be me like we are two peas in a pod like oh my god i'm like falling in love with her and the more she's talking i'm just like yeah yeah yeah i'm there for it oh my gosh i'm digging in i'm like listening to every single word like this is crazy like passing the weed back to her and stuff and and then eventually

She's like, you and me, we have to go. You know, Jane Fonda is a good friend of mine. I'm like, I love Jane. That's my homegirl, too. I love talking to her. And we was, you know, smoking pens. She's so cool. And she's like, yeah, you know, she's protesting. We're protesting. I said, you guys are protesting. I didn't hear about no protest. She said, yeah, we're going in front of the White House every Friday and we're getting arrested. I said, oh, that don't sound like a protest. That's not like something. She said.

No, we get arrested every Friday. And then, you know, we're out by Saturday. But we're protesting global warming. I'm like, how can you protest global warming? Like, you can't control that. But you can control people, like people stuff. I think you should protest people stuff. She's like, well, Tiffany, we think you should come out and protest with us. It would be really great and get a lot of attention. And I'm like, well, I don't want to get arrested.

For standing outside the White House. I don't want to get arrested. I just don't want to do that. That's not something you like volunteer to go do is, yeah, let me go get arrested. And she's like, Tiffany, but you'll be out by Saturday. I'm like, you guys are old white women that can afford really great lawyers. And I can afford a great lawyer, too. But I feel like as a black woman, they would try to make an example of me.

Oh, you're like, hey, you guys are flying on private jets everywhere. I get on that list for being arrested at the White House, and I'm wandered down and fingers up my orifices every goddamn time I try to fly to Des Moines. Every time. In the next hundred years. And I'm like –

My last name is Haddish. Already that's an issue. Okay? Then you want me to get arrested. I'm a black woman. They're going to keep me in it. They're going to let y'all out on Saturday. They're not going to let my black ass out until probably two weeks later because they're going to match my fingerprints up with some bullshit because I ain't innocent. I've been involved in some situations. Did it ever occur to you that maybe Sharon Stone was in on the whole thing? That maybe...

Sharon Stone was setting you up from the drop. See what I'm saying? I want to say yes to that, but I could see her spirit. I don't think so. I think she's actually...

I think she's actually a good person. I think she actually cares more about the environment than she does about people. And she's a little delusional. But would she sacrifice you? Yes. For the environment? Yes. That's what I do believe. And I was telling her, I was like, look, the environment is important. We all live in it. But if we treated each other a little better, maybe the earth would do better. Maybe we would. Maybe if we did it like if we did.

if we did this, this, and this. Like, if we could, you know, maybe not enslave so many people in jails or sex slavery or, you know, maybe if we could do a little something like, create more jobs that's like more hands-on instead of factory type jobs. You know, more like doing something. Maybe if we just help the homeless so they're not shitting in the streets so it's not... Like, maybe if we did little stuff like that, maybe that's something I would protest. Maybe systemic, the systemic racism, if we could protest, I would protest against that. But,

The environment, the ozone layer, I'm not there for it. I'm not there for it. I'm just not there for it. Tiffany Haddish not down with the ozone headline? I think so. Yeah, first of all, yeah, it is a headline. That's going to be what's on the Google thing. Tiffany Haddish not down a protest against the ozone. You know why? Because I cannot control that.

Well, ask yourself, what did the ozone ever do to you? Nothing but protect me. Nothing but protect me. So why am I going to protest it? The ozone is going to nothing but protect me from UV rays. Why am I protesting this?

From the girl who they used to say was not smart, the ozone and UV rays. I'm telling you, take that, third grade teacher. Put that up your ass. Yeah, Miss Stanford. Take that, Miss Stanford. Mad at me because I can't spell teacher, but I can spell beach. What?

She used to get so mad at me about that. She teaches, it's like, it's one letter difference. Unbelievable. I love you, girl. This is you, you, I, I think we needed now, like when we first talked, now we need to pretend that we want to talk again. So you and I can talk about every four or five weeks. Cause I'm cool with that.

I want to hear for it. I'm here. And you please, as you as you go forth into all your endeavors, please refer to me as the blue eyed Mexican Roblo. Please, please. It's so good. I'm sorry, but that's what I thought, man. And, you know, that's because it's the best. And that's because of Tom Bridges. So thank you. Well, that that makes it just even more delicious.

I'll leave you with this. One of my first girlfriends was his co-star on Different Strokes. Oh, really? Yes! But a gentleman never kisses and tells. Well, you just did.

You are, you're the best. I love you. Um, and this is, this has just been one of my favorite talks and, um, go take care of that. A two year old imposter, please. I'm worried for you. Yeah, I will. Well, you know, it's, it's, it's Yankapur now, so I'm really hungry and I'm thirsty, but I have to wait till the sun goes down before I can partake in any nourishment for my body. But this was excellent nourishment for my soul. Yes. But it's spiritual meal. Um,

I pray that you receive nothing but joy and happiness for the rest of the new year. And I want to apologize to you if I ever offended you or hurt you in any kind of way, shape or form. That's never my intention. My intention is to learn and to express myself as best as possible in the process of learning so that I can learn. And vice versa. I would...

I would like you to just be my mouthpiece. If I ever have to comment on anything publicly, I'm just going to go, Tiffany Haddish is fucking more articulate and smarter than I am. I'm going to have her do it. I will. I'll be your ghetto translator. I love you. I love you. Bye. Love you too. Bye. Okay, so she's truly impressive, right? I mean, she gives no fucks, which I love. I'm still contemplating the big dicked surfer. Maybe I'm not contemplating that.

But she painted a pretty vivid picture of that. And she's so smart. I mean, the thing that I'm always struck with is like that there could be a world where somebody is telling somebody like that, that they're dumb. It's unbelievable to me. It's just unbelievable. We got a long way to go to figure some stuff out because that woman, I want my intellectual foxhole any day of the week. Anyway, I hope you had as much fun as I did. You have been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe.

produced and engineered by me, Devin Tory Bryant, executive produced by Rob Lowe for Lowe Profile, Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Stitcher. The supervising producer is Aaron Blairt, talent producer, Jennifer Sampras. Please rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and remember to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts.

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.

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