Andrew Schulz | Club Random
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So we've all heard of speed dating, those awkward few minutes where you pretend you're interesting enough. Now, if you're a boss juggling a million responsibilities, how about a version tailored to hiring? Well, good news, there is. It's Zip Intro from Zip Recruiter. You can post your job today.

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But it's a disingenuous argument. Why is it disingenuous? Because I just told you. You said you can't live there, and I was like, here's another place. Because it's not... Hey, how are you? Man, you're funny on the Tom Brady run. Oh, thank you, brother. Thank you so much. I appreciate you having me. I feel like that was the beginning of the vibe change. Yeah, is that the, like, I hate even using the term because it's so belabored, but is that the end of woke life?

No. Well, no, I just read a story. There's some, like there were so many stories like this in the last five years. Some, some book by some lady and, and,

Like it said, like the most benign thing. And of course, it's in the mouth of a character. She's just trying to say that, you know, how are you going to show someone is an asshole unless they act like an asshole? And then they go after her. And she, of course, a fucking apology. And, you know, they took it out of the book. I think they canceled her book contract. And I just wanted to say, I thought we were done with this shit. Yeah. But we're never going to be done with that shit completely. Not completely. Especially as long as like people are afraid. Oh.

But I thought when I saw the Tom Brady roast that that was a marker in the sand. And, you know, like all praise to Kevin Hart for like pulling that off. Because like I don't think a white guy could have done it, pulled it off. He set a tone and he said it was like okay to make fun of him. Well, and also just say things I haven't heard people say before.

Words on TV. What? Right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you can say any bad word, but like, you know. I mean, I'm on CNN now. Yeah. And they don't, when they said, can we put you on CNN? They're actually doing something interesting with that Scott Jennings guy. I call him Lonely Scott.

Because it's usually like four people. Trying to gang up on him. Lonely Scott. But they put a guy who seems to be able to, I guess, argue from the conservative side on the show. Yeah. And they let him cook. And they used to put like a dumb... Scott. Oh, Scott. Of course. Well, you got to... Well, my...

Look, I love CNN. I'm thrilled to be on. I find it such an honor. To be back on. Well, that they wanted me on CNN as well as HBO. I mean, HBO I've been with forever, and I get that. Why, you thought you were a pariah? Well, I'm just... CNN is like a straight-up news organization. So to put me on there without censoring... Yeah. I give them all the props in the world, but, you know, they are trying to recover...

something that was almost impossible to maintain in the era of Trump, which is how do you like

Just say it as it is, which is what they always did. There was people on the left, people on the right, Fox, MSNBC, we get it. CNN was down the middle. But you know, when the president does lie, you have to say he's a liar. And then you look like you're on the left. And they went too far with that. And now they're trying to correct that and get back to like just the place where a regular person says, can I just get... Like, just tell me what's going on. Yeah, you did a...

You did something like during COVID that actually was like incredibly inspirational to us. Oh, thank you. And it was the piece about, what was it? The Chinese flu. Do you remember that? Of course. It was, I think, one of our first ones that we did. Like every...

what do you call it? Disease has been named after a place. Phenomenal. And it was just like common sense logic. It's so funny to like even hear that term common sense being used by the right now they're going. Exactly. They co-opted it. Yeah, exactly. So, but you put out this piece and this is how I knew that it really was impactful. I got sent the piece by four different generations of people. Wow. It was my wife's parents, uh,

It was my friends. It was like kids around like younger that somebody works for me who's like 20 or something like that. And then it was, yeah, maybe something like that. And I was like, oh, okay, so this is cutting deep. People need some sort of

I'm going to put truth under quotes. Yeah. But we're living in a little bit of a fantasy land and everybody's terrified to say something and the piece cut through. And yeah, it was super inspirational. Then we started doing these pieces and I think, yeah, I don't know if that's possible. So you call them your wife's parents. You don't say my in-laws?

So isn't that weird? My in-laws? I don't know. I'm not trying to be your shrink. I'm just saying, why would you avoid that term? Well, they're my wife's parents, you know? They're not my parents. I know. I'm just trying to start trouble. How long have you been here? Thank you.

How long have you been... Are you expecting a flood? Bro, I keep dripping everything all over the floor. I mean your pants. How much would it cost just to get that extra? To have a little bit more pants? Just to get that extra. Am I getting style tips from you? You're wearing a fucking baggy turtleneck. You're doing so well. Why would you not get the extra? What could it cost? I mean, just that extra bit that would cover... What's the editor of Vogue coming onto this podcast talking shit about my pants? Yes, it rained a little, but we're not going to...

going to need to. What bigger man was wearing that shirt before you put it on today, Bill? That's a sweater. You know, you're right. I don't like sweaters, but it was cold here. Ben Affleck left it with the house. Celtics green. How long have you been married? Three years. Three years. Oh, so you're like almost a newlywed. Yeah, yeah, it's early. And how long did you go out before that? That's a good question. Another three, something like that. Right. I think around that. I might be getting some of this off, but yeah.

Yeah, we just had a kid. Kid's like a year and a month old. You have one kid? One kid, yeah. Wow. Yeah. What's that like? It's every single cliche you could ever imagine. Right. Like, it's, you know. Life changing. No, no, it's literally every cliche. And as a comic, you're like shocked because your ego is like, oh, I have unique takes on everything. And then the only emotional reaction you have is the exact cliche that every other person has said about a kid.

Yeah, I mean, everyone has said that to me. Like, if you had a kid, Bill, you would, you know, and I feel like I'm the first person who would look in the crib and go, still nothing. Not for me.

So you don't have kids for them. I mean, I don't want to hurt this kid, but I don't feel especially connected. But maybe that would be wrong. I mean, I don't know. When it's your goo that went into a lady and then came out with like a mini you, I guess it's just, it's sort of an extension of yourself. Oh, your selfishness is perfectly aligned.

It's amazing how my whole life I thought, and I'm not trying to discredit my pops, his amazing pops, but I thought he was doing all these things against his will. He was just being there for me in everything and every single basketball game, whatever. And I didn't realize that he could also get joy out of it.

And as a parent, you get joy out of it. It sounds incredibly cliche, but it's... Oh, believe me, I've seen parents and I've seen the joy. And I wouldn't say I feel like I've missed it, but I'm also very cognizant of the fact that that is a type of joy that people have, that may be a greater joy than anything I've ever had. Maybe. I'll tell you a story. I won't say who it is because...

I just won't. But it's somebody you would recognize, a name you would know, who was a known Lothario. Okay. And got married somewhat later in life and was telling me once, this was a while ago, but he had little kids and he said to me, we were in my old similar room to this, just a place to smoke and drink and be real. And he said, you know, I was wiping Cheerios.

off my kid's chin the other day and I thought to myself this is better than any fuck I ever had and about and about two weeks later the girl who I was with at the time yeah

called me almost in tears and she said, Bill, you have to get, and it was this guy from Stop Calling Me. So apparently it wasn't really better. Oh, he was still trying to get after it. And it was my girl. No. Well, I'm just saying.

True story. I'm not saying who. I mean, it's weird that he's thinking about fucking while he's wiping Cheerios off his teeth. I'm just saying, better than any fuck I ever had was someone undercut two weeks later. Trying to fuck your girlfriend? I was like, okay. Maybe at that moment it seemed like it, but you know. I want to know who this good friend of yours is that's trying to fuck your girl. Oh, this was many years ago in a galaxy far away. Yeah.

It could be anybody. And let's just leave it at that. But let them speculate. But it was funny to me. But I'm sure there are other people for whom wiping the Cheerios off the chin really is better than any fuck they ever had. And I feel sorry for those people because they obviously fuck badly.

No, I'm kidding. Children are wonderful is what I meant to say. Yes, of course. Of course. So, but how does it change your life? Obviously you don't get enough sleep, right? Is that, are all those cliches true? Yeah, obviously. But like life becomes just a little bit smaller. So like so much of your life, I guess, in entertainment is like unfortunately dictated by, you know, what you think the perception of you is, or have you achieved these things that you want to achieve? And it is, uh,

I would say equally as comforting. Now I'm coming from this place where like I've made a couple bucks. I'm financially secure. Quite a few. You're doing great. Doing okay. So I care mostly about how my kid and my wife feel about me and I can feel comfortable if life is good at home and I'm not as worried if like these people on the internet are saying crazy shit about me or this thing is happening over here. So it puts things in perspective. Immediately. Right. Immediately. Yeah. Do you feel comfortable

Like it helps you say morally because something you might do if you didn't have a kid, you'd be more hesitant to do because...

Not at all. Not at all. Seriously? No, like, I stopped, like... Oh, come on. I stopped, like, doing drugs or whatever, like, smoking and shit like that. I was never, like, a big cigarette guy, but, like, I'll have a bogey every once in a while. That's hardly anything. But I stopped doing it just because I'm, like, I'm not about to have some, like, fentanyl in some drug that I'm... No, but, like, say you used to go to Diddy's parties. Yes, of course, as we all... Did you go to a Diddy party? No, but I've had a couple of, you know...

I used to run into him every once in a while. He was the most charming guy. He would always make you feel like, even though I didn't know him at all, for two minutes, he would make me feel like I was his best friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trump is like that, they say. Of course. I met him a couple of times, very similar. Charming. Like charming, and you meet him for two minutes, and you're like, wow, this guy really likes me. And he told me to call here, and then you'd call him.

And it's all bullshit. It's like, why? I didn't ask for it. I don't need to be your friend. But no, I never went to one of his parties. We didn't get to that level or any level. But like something like that, we're like, oh, you know, I would do this, but I'm not going to because my child will read about it. Not that, but I like, I have no interest in going skydiving anymore.

You know what I mean? Like, shit that when you're younger is fun and, like, exciting. Like, I don't need to do all that shit. Yeah, so I guess I am, like, a little bit more, like, risk-averse. Not maybe risk-averse career-wise, but, like, shit that I don't actually really care about. I feel like if I had a kid, I would be walking on eggshells all the time. What? Constantly.

You mean you are? No, I'm saying like you would. I would, yes. Meaning like the things that you say, like the opinions you have? Things I say, the things I do, you know, just, you know, I mean, I wouldn't want to get caught masturbating or anything that's benign, which is, I mean, that's a very benign thing. We don't treat it like it's a benign thing. Yeah, but it's pretty normal. But for example, like no one would ever, if you were like upstairs and your wife said,

Honey, dinner, and you... I'm doing my taxes. I'll be right down. Nobody would say... I'm getting out of this. I'll be right down. Nobody says, honey, I'm masturbating. I'll be right down. You know what I'm saying? Because... They get insulted if you say that. Even though you should be able to say that. But they get insulted. I feel like they're...

I think my wife would probably be like, wait, why don't you just want to have sex with me? I'm here. I don't think they understand that these are different things that we do. Wait, say that again? I think the woman feels a bit of rejection when you're like, I would prefer to masturbate than just have sex with you. Well, she should. Well, shouldn't, right? Shouldn't she? I mean, sometimes you want a little alone time. You want to have this experience with yourself. I like the question that people say to you when they, if you go to strip clubs, they're like,

why? What's, why do you do it? And I'm always like, I don't know, must have something to do with the naked women. Yeah. You know, I mean, yeah, I mean, I like girls. I don't think I need to apologize for that. Do you think I'm asking you to apologize? No, no, no, no. But there are people who do. That's the intimation. No, I would say that, um,

Aside from regretting it, not having a marriage or a kid is the one thing in my life I'm so glad that I stuck with. I made a lot of stupid mistakes, as you do when you're young. But not doing that was the thing that you're happy about. I had the right instinct on that from the beginning. For yourself, yeah. I would not be happy with either one of those institutions. Yeah, even though you don't know, because you never did. Yeah, and it's just a personal thing. I certainly know people who...

I mean, not being facetious about it, they would be lost without their spouse. They would be, you know, they just can't be... Now, some of that is codependence. Yeah. But some of it is just real. They're just... Some people really are happier with that one person and waking up next to somebody. I mean, this Gene Hackman thing is very suspicious. His wife dies a week before and then he dies. Well, first they said the same day. Mm-hmm.

But it's certainly around the same time, which is very suspicious, even if it's a week. You think he killed himself after the fight? Well, I don't know. First of all, I find it amusing that everyone's like, oh my God, a 95-year-old man is dead. What could it be? This great mystery. He's here one minute and then he's gone at 95. They certainly are intimating that it's some sort of foul play or suicide. And it's not uncommon. Yeah.

Spouses to die within close proximity. This does happen. And sometimes on purpose. Well, I mean, if she, what, do you think she just died a week later? I think it's like, I can't, I don't want to live without my spouse. Right. And they're basically living for each other. And then when one of them goes, there's not as much of urgency to live. The branches of the tree have so intertwined. Yeah. That you cannot. Survive without the other. So, I mean.

I mean, if we're going to put the pro and con column for marriage, I'd put in the con column. No, that's pro. Unless they die and then it's con. Yeah, but they went to 90 because they were with each other. They might have died at 70. Whatever happens at 60. How many old people do you know that are, how many like 100-year-old people were never married? Great question. I don't know. I think you're the oldest single guy.

Certainly not. I think you're the oldest dude that's never been married. There's lots of single people. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Oprah?

Has never been married? But she's like gay married or whatever. She's like, what is it called? Like domestic partnership. You talking about Steadman? Yeah. Not saying he's gay. I'm just saying they've been together like a, wait a minute, what are you saying? But they've been together like a gay couple where you get married and, you know, but without the law. How do you know what Oprah's relationship is like? Because she says that that's her boyfriend.

Yeah. So I'm just going to believe it when she says it. Still? I mean, I haven't seen him in a long time. Maybe, I mean, whatever it is, whatever she's doing, I'm all for it. I mean, she seems happy. Yeah. So what do you think it is? You think that he's like a beard for her? No, I... What?

What's your conspiracy on Oprah? You know what? Here's my theory on that in general. People think that the people in show business are always doing something way more exotic than they're doing. Dude, do you... I'm curious about your thoughts on this. I don't want to say this guy's name, but he had an interesting theory. And again, I don't want to talk about like, well, we'll go whatever, blah, blah. But he was like, the overcorrection in Hollywood. Oh, totally. He said he chalked it up to...

This, he talks it up to Weinstein and he's like, Hollywood started to feel as if the world viewed them as Weinstein and that the two were, you couldn't just separate the two. Therefore, they had to project this like extreme revision of what Hollywood could be. Are those connected or is this something that happened way before? Well, first of all, I would say it's unfair to say that Hollywood is Weinstein.

the music industry. That's why there's totally one team. The music industry has no rules. It's like rape is, is, is, is like a speeding ticket in the, in the music industry. And I know they hate it when they, when I say that, uh,

but it's just true. Yeah. That's the thing. I mean, the Diddy parties, I mean, I'm sure there was a bad fit going on there, but it's not like they were that different than stuff that people in that world, that industry. I mean, any woman like who goes after, you know, groupies as we call them. I mean, you know, they're,

They're very often the aggressors. Do you get a warped sense of like... That doesn't mean you can rape them. No, no, I understand what you're saying. But do you think that these people in industry get like a warped sense of what they can or can't do to women based on the groupies? Absolutely. Because it's so sexualized.

And then it becomes normalized. You're like, oh, I can't do this because every girl is trying to deal with me. You must have stories. So you agree with Trump, grab her by the pussy then? No. So what you're trying to say is you defend Trump 100% with the grab her by the pussy. No, no. Got it. No, but that is not an unfair description of what goes on in the music industry. Right. If you're a star, they let you do it. If you're a star, they sometimes want you to do it.

You know, not all of them. And that's the problem is that the guys get so used to no woman saying no and just being so aggressive that they just assume every woman is like that. And then once in a while they run into one who's like, no, I'm an actual person. Yeah, I'm a human being. Yeah, you can't do that. But this is, I think now the girls are more privy to the fact that they can make way more money off a lawsuit than they can just suck on some guy's dick.

So I think a lot of these groupies, they usually get the validation from just hooking up with the rapper. I think a lot of them have switched their game plan a bit. And now they're like, wait a minute. No, no, we got to either get pregnant or we got to catch a case.

Yeah, I always find it amusing when like the female rappers, sometimes their big burn on somebody they're beefing with is like, I could take your man. And I'm thinking, how hard is that? Not even just in the music industry. Anywhere. I could take it. No kidding. What a threat. You could suck my dick? Right. Oh,

I'll, you know, dress all sexy and act all sexy and grab this Johnson. They got to say something like, I could make your man listen to my day. I mean, the fuck you could. There's a good bit for you. You could do that as a bit. That's funny. I could make you listen to my day. Yeah, that's impressive. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

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But you seem like you have a good thing going. No, things are cool, man. I mean... Things are cool. That's, you know, in a way, that's the best of both worlds if you can, you know, be...

In a relationship and be happy. Usually the problem is that people get into relationships, it becomes stale. I mean, I would say you can literally see it in the tabloids. What they write is bullshit very often, but they can't lie about the looks on celebrities' faces. I just saw, who was it? Oh, Kylie Jenner,

Was that a tennis match? With Timmy Chalamet. Right. Yeah. And you could see he's over it. Yeah, it's... You just... They cannot... You can't hide that part of it. I wonder if some of them don't even... They can't discern between the attention that they're getting from the media because of the relationship and the actual connection they have with the person. Because if you're in...

right? A lot of these people are addicted to attention. It doesn't really matter what the attention is. And then...

You get into a relationship and there's all this buzz. And they start going, oh, maybe I really do like this person. Well, there was a lot of buzz on those two before they even were in a relationship. They just took it to another level. No, I'm not saying it was... A relationship amplifies the buzz. Of course. Like you take both fan bases and mix them together. But they were huge to begin with. I just find it funny. I mean, when I watch this video of she's...

like just trying to get him to pay attention or, and he's watching this tennis match. Right. And I'm thinking, wow, we just recognized this guy at the Oscars. He didn't win, but he's recognized now as one of the great actors. We can't wait to watch this guy for the next 30 years, such a great actor, but he can't even convince us that he still wants to be with Kylie Jenner. This is an acting job that was too much even for him at that moment. Like, yeah.

Olivier couldn't have pulled that off. Yeah, he's not being directed. That's the problem. Right. He needs to know he's on camera. I think he did, and he still couldn't do it because when it's over, it's over. Have you ever been with somebody that you felt, even for a moment, wow, I'm really enjoying the time I'm spending with this person, and I'd like to continue doing this for the foreseeable future?

I did it many times and did it for the foreseeable future. And then when it, when it, when that flame burns out, is it just this immediate conversation where you go, Hey, I I'm done with this relationship and I want to drag this on. Or you do like the classic thing that we all do, which is like, we're a coward and we just kind of like remove ourselves emotionally and hope they break up with us. And then, you know, right. Like try to be the good guy, even though we're the asshole. This is,

Uh, I mean, I don't know. Are you talking about if we want to get out of it as opposed to being dumped? I mean, I think a lot of us would rather be dumped when we're the ones that are, we want to be out of it because we don't want to break that person's heart. We still want to be the good guy, even though we're going to hurt that person. I mean, I've had it in the past one time I could think of maybe twice where I

I was kind of where you, what you're describing. I really wanted out of this relationship. It was bad. But you didn't want to hurt her.

It's just as hard. I mean, relationships are like wars. They're easy to get into and hard to get out of. And this was Ukraine. You know, I just... I needed to, like, fucking just give him the Donbass region. Give her the Donbass region. Take whatever you want. You know what? I mean, when you're dealing with Putin, sometimes... Not that I agree with that. But it's so funny. Like, when I finally...

was pushed it to the point and said, you know, this...

I just can't do it one more day. Then, like, you know, the second she's like, well, okay then, you're like, what? Don't reject me. You know, like you're not, you know, if they're not sufficiently, it just, it's more about ego. You want them to be a little hurt. It's more about ego. I feel a lot of this. So you need a lot, you need love on the way out too. That's selfish. Well, yeah.

No, look, I mean, I believe in love and I've had it and know it well and have it now. Yeah.

You have a girlfriend right now. Well, let's not get too specific. We don't like to put labels on things. What do you call it? It's not a girlfriend, right? What do you call it? Like partner or something like that? I call it love. You have love. And that's the most important thing. That's beautiful. If you have love, you know, it's just a different way of, your life is just different. Asian girl? It's just, I mean, and you know, I couldn't be happy without it. I have been, you know, but

But it's just different. It's better. I mean, it is better. It's a dimension that you just don't have otherwise. But, you know, it has nothing to do with marriage. I mean, people, many people are in loveless marriages. That's true. The trick is to keep love alive in marriage and even harder, lust.

You know, that's really, in any religion, and that really doesn't have anything to do with the piece of paper that says you're married. That's just his time. Right. You know. That's something you need, though. You really need the lust. You need to be lusted over. I feel, exactly. She needs to desire you, crave you. And vice versa. Eye of the tiger. You know, you have, I mean, I can't live without that. You're going with these Asian references. I've tried. I've tried.

I've made that mistake before in thinking, oh, you know what? How many hours a week do you spend having sex? It's not the majority of the time. So why put the...

I could be a hundred years old and spend one minute a week having sex. It would still be water flows downhill and that's the direction it flows and it's just pointless to try to stop it or prevent it or not think about it. I see that they make something now called a loyalty ring. I'm not making this up because I just read it. We have a new rule about it this week. A loyalty ring which is

can read a man's biometrics and tell, alert the girlfriend or the wife. It's time to clear the balls. Empty the balls. That he's aroused when he's not with you. That's funny, dude. It's not funny to me. No, it's funny that like she's going to learn that he's more aroused when he's not with her.

Right. You don't want to know that. Some things are better not known. He's at the Equinox gym steam room. You're going to learn some things about your husband. That's funny. I didn't take it in that direction, but that happens too. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably a net positive for society though, marriage.

Absolutely. Are you kidding? That's the thing. Just children. So that's the thing that is tricky. Like, like I think a lot of times people get, they react emotionally to these things. Like, you know, they might hear you saying that and they're like, Oh, he's against what I'm doing, but that's it all. Exactly. Not at all. So there's a difference between like wanting to do something for yourself, but acknowledging totally personal. Just let us all be who we are. I mean, it's so funny when people judge you or me for this, this,

being basically who I am because of the same people who if I was gay or trans would be all like, we're born this way. We should, you know, like everything has to, and I agree with that. You are born that way. Or if you're trans, you're actually not born that way. But whatever you want to do, whatever blows your dress up. I think it's like your opinions are so strong that people assume you're trying to project those opinions on people who disagree with you. And you really don't give a fuck what they do. That's interesting. I really don't.

But I don't know if that comes across. Because people aren't used to strong opinions. I mean...

I grew up in New York, so we're very opinionated people and oftentimes with minimal information, and that's what makes the opinions so good. I like someone who knows exactly how they feel about the world without researching anything. That's the most interesting person on the planet. But yeah, I think we feel like it's encroaching on our lifestyle. Yeah. Well, you know what? There's...

Lots of things I do that have lost me fans, and there's lots of things I do like that that have gained me the most loyal fans, and I think the best fans in the world. The smartest, sort of most...

willing to have an open mind. Because you push them. Because you have to have an open mind or else you're going to hate me. Because I'm going to say something that is like not what I already believe. And my fans want that. It's like, oh, that's better. Here's an opinion I haven't thought of. That I haven't thought of. And if you're the kind of person, I don't hate these kind of people, but you know, I understand when they can't hang.

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That's A-U-R-A dot com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. There's that Jonathan Haidt book. Oh, yes. The Righteous Mind, it's called. Yeah, sure. And it was just really interesting to me, just this idea that like, and it makes sense afterwards, of course, where you're like, we're emotional beings, and then we retrofit justifications for our emotions with our brain. So knee-jerk reaction is how I am emotionally.

And like once I started understanding that, you'd hear all these like dweebs like Ben Shapiro. They're like, like effects don't care about your feelings. It's like it's the exact opposite, right? It's like the feelings don't care about your facts. Like you have to meet people where they feel things.

If you're not meeting people where they feel things, you're going to completely miss them or you're going to be stuck in this little ideological bubble where you're constantly having to appease whatever they feel. And you can't like actually create anything authentically. I think that's mostly right, that people want to believe this thing for whatever actual reasons.

feeling reasons, emotional reasons, their background, their family, their upbringing, whatever. And then they will find, especially if they have a brilliant mind like Ben does. Yeah, he's clearly a very smart guy. So they will find...

The reasoning to go back, but it comes from the feeling. I think you're right. It starts at the feeling. I'm so cognizant of this all the time. I may be guilty of that myself, but I try to be the least guilty of that. That is exactly what I'm trying to do. I'll give you a great example. I mean, nobody on the left has been a bigger supporter of Israel than me. Right.

And believe me, they know that in Israel, and I appreciate that, and I wish I could come and visit them as they keep asking me, but that's just a... I'm almost 70. I'm not going overseas anymore. Okay. But there's somebody who the Trump administration just is now...

That's the reason. I was waiting for like, there's a war happening actively and you're simply just like, I'm not traveling. No, it has nothing to do with the war and everything to do with my urinary tract.

Okay, so... Israel, I want you all to know that he has a gig in Minnesota in a couple weeks. No, no, I stopped doing that too. Really? Yeah, I quit at the end of last year. Okay, go. So the Trump administration is right now deporting this guy who's a, I'd just say a Palestinian rabble-rouser. Columbia University, exactly what who you... Khalil something? Yes, Khalil something. And he's right on the edge of inciting terrorism. Right. No. No.

Okay, if I was just going by emotions, yes. I think I love it that Trump is throwing this dirtbag out of the country. I will defend him to the death because I'm a free speech guy. You've got to be consistent. If I'm always...

if I'm always on the right for what they're doing against free speech, which I am, and way always on the left. I mean, you said woke. I don't want to talk about woke. I'm always fucking with the woke. The woke hate me more than anybody for good reason. Because when I stick the knife into them when they deserve it, it goes right to the bone, which it should, because they don't believe in it either. So here's a case where, yes, emotionally...

Because I'm a supporter of Israel. I would like to see this guy out of the country. No, you can't just throw people out because you don't like their speech. Especially if you give them or you grant them some form of...

I don't know if he had a citizenship, maybe he had a visa or something like that. But you're essentially giving these... Green card. He has a green card. So if he has a green card, you're giving them the opportunities to be an American, exist as an American for this amount of years. But if you have the green card, you do have the same rights as an American citizen. That's what I'm saying. Right, okay. So we have to give that person those rights. You have to. As annoying as that is. As annoying as it is. You probably should have looked into his resume before you gave him the green card. Because that's always what... And...

It's very hard to, I would say not more than 20% of the people in this country can you get on that opinion. Everybody else is just always going to go right to defending the speech of the people they like. Yes, this is what we constantly do. We're hypocrites, but like... Such hypocrites. But this is the thing, we have to like, this is where it gets frustrating, these arguments, is like, if we know we're hypocrites, we can't cry about it. We have to meet people where they are. Correct. Right? So like...

I mean, I'm sure you've seen on Twitter, like everybody's talking about, you know, Israel and like it seems like there's waning support in America for Israel. Oh, absolutely. So here's an example, which you hear people say all the time, like obviously the politicians have no clue how to communicate most of them. And they're just like, well, this is our closest ally. And then you get asked why. And they go, oh, they don't know because they're just being told that they're the closest ally.

Well, closest ally in the Middle East. Regardless of what it is. It's like, I think- Well, that's very important. They're the closest ally in the Middle East because they're the only country in the entire Middle East that anyone in this country, these fucking hypocrites, would even survive for a week in. You wouldn't want to live-

I don't know if that's true anymore. Like the UAE, I've been to Abu Dhabi. The UAE is not the Muslim world. If you're talking about Dubai. But they're in the Middle East. That's what you're talking about. Okay, but you're talking about a tiny, tiny percentage of what typical life is like in 60 Muslim countries. You're talking about a little enclave that they carved out so Westerners could come and spend their money. Right. We're talking about less than, far less than 1%.

of the way life is like. You would not want to live even in a moderate country like Jordan, and your wife certainly wouldn't enjoy living there. Yeah. Okay? You're making logical points. Well, these are factual points. Yeah, sure, they're factual. They are. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. It's like I gave you another option that is true.

Well, but it's... I think, matter of fact, I would even argue that life is more relatable to the average American in the UAE or in Dubai than it is in... Again, but it's a disingenuous argument. Why is it disingenuous? Because I just told you. You said you can't live there, and I was like, here's another place. Because it's not typical. I said the entire Middle East. So if I... Okay, so here's the thing. Here, if I say you have to move somewhere in America, and I'm going to throw a dart at a map,

with a blindfold on. Yeah. And could you survive anywhere else in America where that dart, you absolutely could. You could live in Salt Lake City. Yeah. You could live anywhere in America. Yeah. If I throw a dart at a map of the entire, all 60 Muslim majority countries, will you say you'll live there? I could survive in every single one of them. You couldn't. Hell no.

What? How could I not? I'm not a gay guy. I could live with any single one of them. In Kabul, your wife would have to wear a head-to-toe burka every... That's on her.

You're talking about me surviving. You're like, I could live very comfortably in every single country. Like, again, let's not move the goalposts. You're asking if I could live comfortably. You could live with yourself knowing that that's how women are treated in your world. I hate this moral argument. Like, we give a fuck about women around the world. Like, no, but this is like. You said you'd be happy. This is such a bullshit argument.

It's not a bullshit argument. I didn't say happy. I said I could live. You keep moving the goalposts. Okay, I'm sorry. Let's stay on what you say. I could live easily in every single one of the countries outside of the wars that are existing. But you're saying in peacetime? Easily? Easily. You could easily live in Kabul, Afghanistan. Is there war happening? Is the Taliban doing their thing? No war. No war. War's over. War's over? I could kick it in Kabul for a month easy.

enjoying life. Now, am I doing stand-up every night? No. But could I take a little vacation? I don't know if you're kidding with me. I'm just telling you, it's, I think it's... I'll give you two options. Either you're kidding or this is stupid. That's this pretentious-ass shit. It's not pretentious. You're doing the thing that you're doing. It's not pretentious that you could live in Kabul and be happy or get by or it'd be no big deal. You're doing this thing that gets... It's dumb.

It's not virtue signaling to say. I didn't say virtue signaling, but that is, if you don't agree with me, you're dumb is why Trump is elected. And this is what Democrats do. Yeah, but sometimes dumb is dumb. Yeah, but people are dumb. So deal with that shit.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, stop acting like everybody's smart. Like, this is the problem. It's like, you have all these people that go to Ivy League schools and they're like, we know better than everybody else and we'll just tell you what to do and you guys are all stupid and I know you feel like you want this but you don't really want this and if you disagree with me, you're an idiot. And then all of a sudden they go, you know what? Fuck you guys. I'm going for that one.

And it's very simple. Yeah, that's true too. So we can't speak down to people if we know that they're going to react emotionally. I guess what I'm trying to say is even with the, for example, the Israel conversation, right? So if I know people are reacting emotionally to this, right? Who is the burden on, if we have this deep connection with Israel, which I believe we do, right? I think the burden is on Israel to prove to the American people who definitely they rely on for support in this conflict, right?

I think the burden is on them to communicate to the American people why it's advantageous to America to continue to support them. Like, and if they can't communicate a reason, you can't

You can't be upset at the American people for being confused about it. We have that same energy towards Ukraine. We go, wait a minute, they're getting how many billion dollars? Okay, over here, if eggs were cheap, I don't care about where you throw the money. But once eggs get expensive, I start going, where's the money going? $200 million going over there? So when economic times are very difficult here in America, or

or any country in the world, there's going to be some questions asked about where this money is going. As it should be. As they should be. I think it's a very normal thing. And unfortunately for Jews, when economic times turn shitty in countries, people start looking and they go, I think it might be their fault. But why is that throughout history? Because there's an ambient energy towards Jews.

This is just my opinion. But ambient energy towards Jews. What a great phrase. An ambient energy. You're so right. Because it's not a bright light bulb. Right. It's a small one. Yes. And it comes from the fact that most people don't know Jews. They've never met a Jew. They have no fucking clue. They think Jews are like Jerry Seinfeld. They have no clue that there's Sephardic Jews. They have no clue that there's these African Jews. Try being one in Kabul, Afghanistan. Probably difficult.

So like they just don't understand what it is, right? They've never met one. Right. They only know the stereotypes. And I think they kind of almost like lock up Jews into the similar ilk as like the Rockefellers or the Vanderbilts. They think they're these elitist people. I don't think Jews even realize that.

Because I think Jews are not all Jews are going, yeah, we're rich and we have all this money. They're just going. I think a lot of Jews in the Northeast are looking at the Rockefellers and the Vanderbilts going, that's some pretty cool shit. I mean, Ralph Lauren definitely was like, hey, that wasp stuff. That's pretty cool. I want to do that. Right. There's like an envy of of the wasps in the Northeast from the Jews. I feel like almost. I mean, I feel like they really they admire it.

Anyway, the average person is looking at them as these elites that they can't touch. And I think that there's religious teachings that see this separatism. It's like, they're not trying to proselytize. Why don't they care if I go to heaven? My whole life is about trying to get as many people to go to heaven as I possibly can, but they don't care. I think it's just hard for them to get.

And this ambient light that has these negative stereotypes. They own or control. And when the economy's good, I don't give a fuck. I don't care if you're sending USAID to do tranny plays in fucking Pakistan. I don't care. But the second I can't afford eggs, I go, no more tranny plays. And why does that group of people seem to have a lot of power? And that light that's ambient gets bright. That's not wrong.

And you're right. I shouldn't say stupid. Thanks, man. You know, I mean, you're right. I get excited sometimes and I blame the pot. But you're right. I can think it. Yeah, you don't say it. I'm still thinking it. But you're right. You shouldn't say it. No, you're right. I shouldn't say it. You're right. I say this all the time. But you wouldn't survive in a couple. Anyway. I say this all the time to people. Like when we get into these arguments, like...

I don't even want to talk about it, but the trans shit is a perfect example. I was talking to this journalist and I was like, what do you think we disagree on? And he goes, well, some of the trans stuff or whatever. I'm like, well, what about? And he's like, well, the trans women in sports. And I was like, well, what do you think about the trans women in sports? He's like, honestly, I think it's a red herring that the right uses. And I go,

You didn't answer my question. Right. And he goes, well, I mean, you know, I just feel like it's not really a talking point that really that matters that much. And it's like, I said this, I go, listen, if I say something that bothers my wife, I don't explain to her why she shouldn't be bothered. Smart.

That I've done that for years and it drives her fucking crazy. I've learned that about women too. We learned that the hard way. We learned it the hard way. What we do is we go, okay, I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. Right. We meet them where they're feeling. And I feel like so much in the discourse, it's like explaining with facts why the other person is wrong.

Instead of understanding what they're experiencing and just feeling. You know, I mean, this honestly is what I've been preaching. I'm sure you know. Yeah, of course. But like on my show. That's why I'm here. You know, I mean, Kid Rock was here a couple of weeks ago and he said, I want you to meet Trump. He said, I'm going to take you to the White House. So now we're going to do that. That'd be, I think that's a good conversation. And like there will be lots of people.

On the left, we'll be like, how dare you talk to this man? I was like, fuck you. You know, I'm not playing this game that you mean girls play. Yes. Where like, oh, you know what? You can't sit at my lunch table because I'm just not talking to you. Not talking to you, you lost the election. Who the fuck do you think you have to talk to? You know, it's one thing if you win it. Yeah, yeah. It's another thing if you lose it. You gotta start talking to people. You have to talk.

And I see Gavin Newsom is doing this now. He's changed his tune. He's got a podcast. And the first guest was Charlie Kirk. I thought that was brilliant. And he mentioned me. He said, like, I take my...

noticing what Bill does, talks to both sides, like is left-leaning but not afraid to criticize the people on his team. Like we got to get more of this going. This has to become the center. This has to become a real center. Right now it's a few lonely islands that need to like become a bigger fucking sandbar. Yeah. No, for real. You're right. Like it needs to be normalized. Yeah.

And I think they like, yes, I think we're so, uh, I think that Americans, we like bravery, you know, like we, we have very, um, what is it? High risk tolerance, meaning like we take risk. Like,

Like, I think it's kind of like in our DNA to take risks. All of our family, whoever came here from your family years ago, they left their entire family and they just moved here. So we just have the DNA of crazy people, really, that are like willing to risk it all, right? So when we see people that are afraid of having conversations, I think there's like almost like a primal instinctual reaction to it. It's not American. It's not American. And I think that was...

I don't want to politicize this shit, but like, I think that was a little bit of the concern with, with Kamala on the campaign trail. You know, it looked like Trump was willing to talk to whoever. He was. He was. Like his camp when we spoke to him, they didn't give us any notes. He's going to talk to me. Okay. And think about all this. Who's been meaner than me? I mean, only J.D. Vance. Yeah.

J.D., that's the only one who said meaner shit about Trump than you. Yeah. Well, lots of people have. Of course, yes. And he said, I have five pages of things. I asked my staff once, and I guess it's six now because it's been a while. Like, just write down all the things he said in tweets and at rallies. It's five pages long. Crazy, low energy, ratings disaster. You know, like every bad thing that he just pulls out of his ass. But I don't care, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care either.

He doesn't care. And you don't give a fuck. It's all performative. Like, not on... I mean, look...

You guys might feel it, but it wouldn't stop you guys from having a discussion with each other because you're not pussies. We're not pussies. It's very simple. It's like, are you a pussy or are you not? And I learned that once. My longest relationship way back in the early 90s and her father was military. Yeah. And he and I did not see eye to eye politically, but he liked me because I wasn't a pussy.

That's my model for meeting Trump. It's like, you know, be respectful, which he deserves. Of course. Not one, but twice. Like, funny, my girl said to me, what are you going to wear? I said...

I'm not going to dress like Zelinsky. Not a fucking Lululemon outfit. It's not going to be a black t-shirt. Zelinsky pulled up looking like a young man. It's not going to be a black t-shirt, man. I am wearing a suit and tie. Absolutely. Jordan Peterson gave me a suit. He sat here and he said, I want you to have a suit. Jordan, I don't like suits. I'm going to send you a suit. I'm going to wear that suit. Yep, dud. The Jordan Peterson approved suit.

It's a good, I mean, I guess, whatever. It's a sign of respect. It's a sign of respect. It's the White House. Even if you disagree with the person in it, you are respecting the law of the lands. You are respecting the position in general. And you also have to respect...

That, you know, the guy did win. It's more than half the country or whatever. I mean, I just, I keep saying it. I'm not going to hate. You can not like Trump. You can hate him. You can't hate everybody who voted for him. Yes. And you have to understand why. I'm not, I'm just, I said it in my last special. I don't hate half the country and I don't want to hate half the country. Yeah. You know, it's just not where my mind ever wants to go for my own mental health. Yeah. Is all this hate. Yeah. So yes, I will talk to anybody. Yeah.

And it's, you know, it's an honor to be invited to the White House under any circumstances. Absolutely. So, you know. Also, it allows you to have a platform with him where you can tell him the things you disagree with. Like.

I think it's... Somebody was saying that to me. It's generous. They were like, why? To allow that to happen. Of course, but this is also part of American discourse. It's very important. Like, even the... Like, I think he needs to do the White House Correspondents Dinner just because I think...

I think a very unique thing about it. Like, we humble our heroes. It is a very beautiful thing about American culture, right? Is that we will make you beg for our support every four years. You don't just get to be king. That's why it was great when Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes. We take the piss out of the big ones. The big ones, the elites. We take the piss out of them. And you saw the reaction, right? Yes. Everyday people. Visceral. It was visceral.

And I think it's important. And that's the Tom Brady roast kind of got back to that. 100%. Here's this guy whose life is perfect. He's got absolutely everything. Yes. He's submitting himself. Fuck him. Yeah. But look, that's the human interaction. It is. I'm sure that when you got successful and like, you know, I get some success, like you realize, oh shit, there are all these people that are like, they're hating on me for things that like aren't even true. And they're saying these things about me. It's a compliment.

That also that's a part of success. Like that's that's the cost of success. It is what it is. They care enough. You're not writing about them. Facts. But it is it is a beautiful part of American culture where we get to like whole we get to put the heroes up on a pedestal and also humble them at the same time. And the thing about Trump doing is like he's already done a roast. So it's not like he's afraid to do a roast.

So I think we got to get back to that. You did have some ground rules, though. For the roast? Yeah. I think it was just... Don't say he's broke. That's it. I've heard that before. Don't say he's broke. Isn't that crazy? He's like, you know, talk about my kids. Talk about my wife. I'm a racist. I'm a cheater. Don't say I'm poor. Just do not say... Being poor is the worst thing you could possibly be. I know.

Why do you think that he's able to connect to working class people despite coming from money? He is them. I mean, he is them. Did you see The Apprentice, the movie?

No, no, but I... May I suggest a date night with the wife? Yes, yes, please. Please. It's such a great movie. This is with Sebastian Stan, right? Correct. Who is brilliant in it. It's funny, I saw him as Tommy Lee. I didn't really love that performance or movie. But he is so brilliant as Trump. And it's a brilliant movie that was not given its due, even though both he and Jeremy Strong were nominated as Best Actor. Both of them should have been. Yeah.

or maybe it was best supporting, but whatever it was, they were both brilliant performances. Jeremy Strong as Roy Cohn, who apprenticed Trump to be who he is. But of course,

We're in such a politicized time that the people who just can't stand Trump hate that it humanized him. Oh, wow. It wasn't mean enough. It wasn't mean enough. It's funny. The first half of it, before he meets Roy Cohn, it does humanize him because he's a human. So, like, it shows him when he was first, like, working for his father. That's funny. And he's collecting. How dare you humanize a human being? A human.

I mean, I think he's a human being who has a narcissistic syndrome that makes it hard for him to be a logger. You think someone who ran for president is a narcissist? Okay, so, well, not to that. What a crazy idea. Nobody has been a narcissist to that degree, so please. I don't know if that's true.

Yeah, okay. Well, it's good that we don't agree on everything and still can be friends. But anyway, the point is that in the first half of the movie, like, here's how he started out in life. Like, he was collecting rents for his father. He didn't start out like, okay. So he's collecting rents. And, you know, when you collect rents from people, like one person opens the door and throws hot water at him. Like, people do that when you go to collect. So it's not like he started...

With the silver spoon, exactly. He did, to a degree, but it just shows, like, he wasn't, like...

Like everywhere where we, and then, you know, and then the second half, it's the opposite. The Trump people think that's too rough on him. So everybody abandoned the movie. But for those 20% in the middle who are willing to just watch a piece of art for a piece of art, it's a fantastic movie. And it really gets at a lot of what's wrong with our discourse is that you can't just look at the movie.

You have to make a political decision about it. And this is how I think people get caught up in...

Like they don't even create based on their own opinions. They create based on the algorithm. Like the algorithm teaches them what they want to do. So true. Right? Because they see a video get like a lot of views and they go, oh, I guess this is what I want to do. And it's like, oh, no, no. You just never had an interesting thought by yourself. You're waiting for something to stick and you want attention. Right? And it's like the people who made that movie actually had the bravery of going, I'm going to potentially piss off both sides that would support this. Yes. And what you're left with is –

20%. Right. Which is, I mean, I don't know. That's why I think it's, and what I said to you in the beginning, like that's why I think it's brave when you're willing to piss off your base. I think it's very important. It is. But what you get is the trust. Right. How many people are trusted? People will trust you. Right. Even if they disagree with you, they'll be like, but he's not grifting. He's not lying. It means the world to me. And when you meet people, there's a connection that they have with you. Yes. And then there's other people who are just...

They're like, what I would say is more grift, where you go, I know what the base wants. I'm going to echo those sentiments. They're going to consume it because it makes them feel good. But the second that I disagree with them, they will abandon me. I mean, Matt Taibbi has written brilliantly on this. What is he? Well, I mean, he's a big media critic, and some of it, I think, goes over the top. But his basic thesis, and he's so true, was that media at some point became a group of people who, the way they run their businesses,

First we ask, how would the audience that we're servicing want us to interpret this story? And then we give them that. Now, of course, a lot of them become brainwashed and they just already think that way. But that's not what media used to do. It's not what it's supposed to do. So it's so funny. There was a show on Fox called Red Eye. Do you remember that show? Comics would go on it and they basically just...

You could just go and like, it was a great opportunity for a young comic and you make fun of different shit, right? And like, I was in... What was this on? It was on Fox, Fox News, like super late at night. Fox News? Yeah, Greg Gutfeld hosted it before he had his show. Not Fox, Fox News. Yeah, Fox News. That's why I never saw it. Probably. But there was like, it was a cool opportunity as like a young comic. Right, sure. And this does connect to what you were just saying. But I remember I would go on and like...

I was so naive, dude. Like, I grew up in New York City. Like, I don't fucking know. Like, I thought that there was some... Whatever. And every... What? I don't know. I thought that there was like a little bit of authenticity or purity to what we were doing. I didn't know that there was like an agenda, right? So I'm just on here. To what? Who was doing? To the program, right? Oh, okay. Or even to the network, right? Okay, sure. So...

I'm going – so some story about like some random college in like Oregon about like, hey, we're not going to – we're going to have like a no white people on campus day or something. But like some random – Oh, I know this story. You remember this story. Brett Weinstein was the professor. Right. Who got lost a job for it. Right. Yes, they had like – I don't know what was officially called that. Yeah. But it was basically no white people day. Something, right. Because white people are toxic and so we can't have them. It's absurd and ridiculous. Yeah.

And then like, I remember us talking about it and I was like, and I said on the show and I was like, so,

So wait, is this like kind of what we do? We just take like the most obscure, ridiculous left-wing thing and we just pretend that that's like what everybody thinks? That's what Tucker Carlson does every night. Yeah. So I didn't, you got, I grew up in New York City in a fucking dance family. My parents had a dance studio. Is that right? Yeah. Like it's as Democrat as it could possibly be. Right. So like I'm here and I'm seeing this and I'm just like, what's going on here? And then everybody kind of looked at me like I didn't know what the shtick was.

Like, it was like, like, you know, like I broke the kayfabe or whatever they call it in wrestling. And I didn't get that. Like, sometimes you don't even need to communicate to the people on your network what they need to do. Right. It,

It's like in the ethos. When you're in the building, you want to get raises, you want to be rewarded. So you start echoing the sentiments and reward the people that are echoing it. And then the other people fall in line. So no one explicitly has to tell you, these are our points of view. You know, I said almost the exact same thing recently.

And somebody who I mentioned in it got mad at me. Who, Tucker? No, I'm not going to say. Okay. But I don't want to make it a feud. Yeah. And I actually apologize. I didn't want to... Maybe I shouldn't have brought up specific names. Right. But I was saying almost the same thing that you're saying, that, like, it's amazing how we just get kind of seduced by the people around us. It's... And the people, you know...

Who are providing the craft services, shall we say. You know, like. Hell, you all fall into it. I'm eating your donuts. What am I going to be against the candidate? Come on. He's probably a good guy. You like him, right? I didn't buy his donuts. What am I, a schmuck? And I'm going to. Yeah, you fall in. That's like a human thing. You just fall into it. So it's, yeah.

Yeah, I'm curious. It is a constant matter of vigilance not to. So that's why I so applaud the 20%. I mean, I'm picking that number out of my ass, but it's probably close.

So applaud them because it's not easy. I mean, I do it for a living. It takes courage. So it's okay. I'm getting paid to do it. You're not. You're just doing it as a citizen. That's what I... And a thinker. I always say this. Whenever I'm going through something or somebody's trying to position me in some certain way, and I have empathy for them doing that, by the way. They see a headline and they don't understand the context of anything. And then... Right.

their views about the world, they might see something like that and they'll be like, I don't agree with this type of stuff. And then they put that on me and that's okay. I'm sure I've done that a million times with people. Sure. It is what it is. It's a human thing. Right. But I have, I have like a great appreciation to the people that will defend me despite what the idea about me might be because they get nothing out of it besides wanting to show support to someone they care about.

Like you said, you get paid. We're able to do comedy and podcasts and shows. It's really awesome. But the fan that's willing to take that on the chin, they're at a family dinner and they're going, yeah, I was watching Bill. And they go, oh, you know what he said about that. So true. They're incredible. Yes. The peer pressure of coworkers, newsrooms, have become kindergartens because...

Because it's the mob mentality of the newsroom. I'm not making this up. Many people have written stories about this. Like the newsroom at the Washington Post or the New York Times is such a mean girl's emporium. And if you step outside the bounds of what the group think is, I mean, we've seen this many times at the New York Times. Barry Weiss had to leave and she started the free press. Yeah, she's great. I was just talking to her. Yeah, she's great. Yes.

And Nellie Bowles, her wife, the same thing, New York Times, and they just, Pamela Paul, who I just was on real time the week before and loved her columns in the New York Times, which were not unflattering.

unreasonable at all. They were exactly where I am. I always agree with... They're leaning left but unafraid to call out woke on nonsense. And she apparently couldn't survive there. I mean, that is a very bad place for media to be in. I think there's this tricky decision where it's like, hey, we can also criticize...

the administration when they do things wrong. Like they're in power now. When they weren't in power, I understand how you want to get them into power. So you're like, let's turn a blind eye to things that we maybe disagree with. Now they're in control. They are the institution. We have to criticize them. This is hard. So you won and you're in, you get the jokes. That's it. You won, you're in, you get the jokes.

Well, we'll see if he agrees with it. This is why disseminating this information and talking to the people you disagree with is really important. Very important. Because there's a lot of people, myself included, just uneducated people who will go with the trend that kind of makes me feel good as someone who pays a lot of taxes. Right. I'm from New York. I'm like, yeah, okay, all this fucking taxes. What am I getting at? Right? Right. And then I need somebody to go and have a conversation where it's like,

I can never, no story that I read anywhere do I trust fully. I have to read a second story or a third about this subject before I feel like, okay, now I got the full story. Why didn't you first assholes tell me the full story? Because people don't want the full story. They really don't. They want to feel good. Right. They want to feel good. Feeling good. And you know who knows that?

These corporations, not even corporations, but these businesses that run these. And masturbators. Oh, God, do they know it.

We just want to feel good. Are we bad people? No. Are we bad? We're not bad people. No. I mean, you know. It's monkeys doing. Dude, have you ever watched, did you watch that Chimp Empire show on Netflix? No, but I'm a big fan of chimps and I support their cause monetarily. I support a chimp cause. Yes. You put your money behind the chimps. Yes, absolutely. The producer, one of the producers of my show, um,

It has a big charity for chimps. I met them tonight, right? No, no, my real-time show, my HBO show. That charity, they have a big... Chimp Foundation. Chimp Foundation and a chimp reserve in Georgia. Oh, wow. Where the chimps can be chimps. They can chimp it up. No tuxedos. None. None.

They get to let a rip out there. No tuxedos, no cigars, no riding tricycles. You got to watch this Chimp Empire show. And it's like, you kind of watch it and you're like, oh, this is too close to who we are. They're very close. True. They're close. And then there's other things that...

Yes. Like this idea of like having to like maintain the alpha, right? Like you also see how that's disruptive in terms of like creating any technology, like sharing any advantageous information. Like there's this one dude who needs to show he's alpha and every once in a while he just fucks up everything in the neighborhood. He's like a drunk dad or whatever. It just comes around. You're talking about a chimp now? Chimp, yeah. Oh, okay. And he's like, I need to show everybody I'm alpha. So he just starts fights with people, fucks shit up and does whatever. And the problem with that

is that you can't sit around and develop fire when you're worried that this guy is going to punch you in the back of the head every second. So everybody's just kind of like on edge, hoping this alpha won't start shit. Doesn't that describe, I'm sorry, but doesn't that describe today's...

Talk to me. We just... Talk to me. If you push back against me, if you push back against me... It just sounds exactly like what's going on now with the tariffs and everything else. And they're like, he's going to take over Greenland and we're going to invade Canada and everything.

Everybody is just like, is this alpha just going to do some crazy shit? I mean, the stock market is down over 1,000 points. I'm sure that affects you a little bit. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. You have stock. I do have stocks. I should know more about it, but yeah. Yeah, don't panic. It'll go back up. That's what we hope, yeah. But, you know, it does—I'm sorry, but it just—

When you said that, I can't help but think that's exactly what Elon Musk, you know, brilliant guy. I defended him many times, more than most people have. But, you know, I don't like that he – I support that he took Twitter and turned it into something freer. But he just turned it into something really almost –

as right wing as it used to be left wing, which would be okay too, except that he very often retweets some of the worst stuff. Why?

He had a great idea that, oh, I can go in with my doge boys and find the waste. But the way he did it was very, I'm on the spectrum. Yeah, I think there is that. And I think he is on the spectrum. And it's probably harder to relate emotionally to things. I am a little bit more optimistic about the intentions of the administration. It doesn't mean it's going to work out. But I don't think that Musk is trying to get richer. No, no.

No, he's definitely not. I've always defended him on that. He does not care about money. He's got all the money. I think he thinks that this actually will help America. I've been with him at times and he did not have a house.

He was like staying at a friend's house. It doesn't matter. He will sleep on the couch or sleep at the Tesla factory as he did to get that going. I think he brags about, we work the weekends. Let's have pizza at one in the morning and keep working and then sleep here. He's an engineer. That's what turns him on. And I respect that. I think it's important. Right. But nobody...

like put any sort of brakes on this and to do it this way and to take such glee in the cruelty of it. The people who got letters that said, do something valuable with your life.

Now, you can't tell me that that's... These are the things that are antagonistic and twisting the knife that I don't think is helpful for the discourse. Horrible. But I will say that, like, I think if there's one thing Democrats could learn, it's the importance of the American sentiment where it's like, Americans like abundance and we like hope. Barack sold us on hope and

And we will buy that every single time. I think America, I think that sometimes the Democrats are too like safe. They don't sell me on abundance. It's like,

Trump goes, we're going to take Greenland. We're not even really going to take it, but he says it. And then Americans go, all right, that might be kind of cool. Right? So Democrats, what is your build the wall? I think it is kind of cool as long as it's not by force. Yeah, if it's consensual, it's cool. Exactly. But if you're growing up in Greenland, you don't want to be part of America? Greenland, we're not raping it.

We're asking. We're asking. It's consensual. It's a consensual thing. What I would tell anybody, what I would try to explain to Democrats is you have to give us hope and abundance. I need a slogan. Build a wall.

is emblematic of something that people feel, right? So it could be as simple as like dollar eggs. Hey, if we get in power, we are subsidizing eggs. You will never have to worry about getting your kid eggs. It's a dollar egg. That is a road you don't want to go down.

You do not want to go down subsidizing food staples. It's what they do in third world countries. It's what we do in America. It's what we do with the dairy industry. It's what we do with the rice industry. It's what we do with the corn industry. Of course, we've been doing it for years. We do it further down the trail. Yes, on the chain. They do grain and stuff. Yeah, you're right. But not like at the—it sounds to me like you're talking on the supermarket level. No, I'm talking about on the farmer level. And again, listen— The chicken. The chicken.

I'm talking about the chickens. But what comes first? You know what?

Has anyone ever really asked that question? Now we're getting into it. Has anyone ever really... It's more about how do you communicate to Americans that we want to meet you at your needs? And how are we going to say that? And how are we going to say certain things that are going to penetrate the discourse? Americans don't have a fucking... Democrats don't have a slogan that tells a hardworking but poor American that they're going to be able to get more. They had a slogan in the last election. It was...

Free tits for prisoners. Okay, not a great one. Bro, that crushed. Dude, it was so funny. That one commercial. I've been talking to the guy. I don't know if he wants to remain nameless, but the guy who made the commercial. Trump is for...

You, she's for them. And they open with Charlemagne. You know Charlemagne, the guy. Him and I do a podcast together. Oh, I know you do. Love him. He's amazing. Tell him I said hi. I absolutely will. And every time he references me on the show, it really tickles me. I appreciate it. Hey, I got to go home and watch Bill Maher. He watches you religiously. Oh, I know. And he has a lot of respect for you. But he's the GOAT. He is like, to me, he's like a... Great reach, great influence. And also like...

I don't know if this is fair, but a lot of times I judge people based on where they've come from and how far they've gotten in their life. So to go from billionaire to 1.1 billion isn't as impressive as to go from trailer park in South Carolina to one of the most powerful voices in the world. Anyway, but...

We're talking about that, like just knowing how that kind of ended up happening is kind of funny. But like, how do how do Democrats start communicating? Because say what you want about AOC's politics. She communicates to the people in her district that she wants to help them. Bernie communicated in a way that he wanted to help people. I think I think AOC and Trump polled the same in her district. What does that say?

That says that those same people will cross the political lines to the people they feel are looking out for their best interests. So how do Democrats start organizing in a way? I mean, I would check that stat on Trump and AFC polling. I just made that up, but I think it sounds good.

You know what I mean? Like, I think, hey, I think it sounds good. Hey, you don't look up that Bronx district. I love the honesty even when it's dishonest. No, no, no. I think there is facts there. They pulled very similarly in the area. Well, I mean, here's what did happen. Trump did very well in the Bronx. You're right. Yeah. Trump did very well.

that could be a true stat, like favorability rating. But that was one of the districts that was most shocking to leftists. You're right. And they should learn, like, instead of, I think the knee-jerk reaction is to make the opposition radioactive. And it's like, guys, they like the opposition. The first thing Democrats have to do

is stop the bleeding on the left, on the far left. Stop people from being able to go, you know, I don't really like Trump and he seems pretty bad with women and that doesn't sit well with me and the wife sure hates him. But you know what? At least he likes America. At least he thinks women...

are the only ones who can have babies. You know, things like that. Those are the things that people go, I just can't vote for those people. They just seem crazy. They just seem like they are not tethered to reality, which is when you lose that contest to Donald Trump, who's also not tethered to reality in many ways. I mean, you're saying something. Dude, I wonder if like, and again, I don't know too much about like the Ilhan Omar's politics or whatever. Oh, Ilhan Omar?

Is that who you're talking about? Ilhan? Ilhan Omar. You call her Ilhan Omar? I call her that because that's her name. She's the representative from Minnesota. I think, whatever. Maybe I'm saying it wrong. Ilhan, I thought it was. But I guess, I think that like... Whatever it is, I don't like her. So the point that I'm trying to make here is that like... Is she...

Is she a representative of America or Palestine is my question. Well, here's the thing that's important. It's like, I think that she has the, and I don't even know if she understands this as privilege, but like she has an identity outside of being American.

Like, she has this separate identity from another country that has thousands of years of history. And that's baked into who she is. Some of us... Where you would happily live. Where I would happily live. Like, and it would be so great. And you know, she married her brother. And it is what it is. So you could do that. I mean, if I had a sister that... No. You can marry your sister. I don't know what you could do. But the point is... You can do anything to a woman. Okay, so let's just put that right on the table. Okay.

So the point I'm trying to make is like, some of us only have America. We only have this. So when you attack this, I'm going to defend it till the day I die. I love America more than anything in the entire world. It's the greatest country in the human existence. It's the greatest experiment in existence and it has succeeded. So we only have this. You have to find a way to communicate what you believe to be the shortcomings of America in a way that doesn't make us feel like you don't love it.

Totally. My mom is an immigrant. She loves it. Like, you cannot tell my mom that she cannot, that I cannot achieve anything, that she cannot achieve anything in this country. It's one of the reasons why I think it's important to bring in immigrants because they remind us of the opportunity. And they're appreciative because they know what it's like in these other countries. And we don't. We don't.

Well, I do. You don't because you would live in Kabul. You haven't traveled because of your UTIs. You won't even leave the country. First of all, I have traveled. And second of all, you don't have to travel to understand what's going on in other countries. Have you lived outside the country? No, but I read. I can read about what's there. This is this Ivy League shit that's so annoying to Americans. Oh, reading. Yeah. Stop reading so much. It's gay. Oh.

Now I see you're just fucking with me when you say these things. But in terms of living outside, like I've lived outside the country and it's important. I haven't lived in the Middle East, but living in Spain,

There are little things that you will appreciate that we have here that even in a major city in Spain that they didn't have. An AC unit. Exactly. Like a little thing we take for granted. Totally. That we don't realize how amazing we have it here. Yeah. And that's just the physical part of it. Yes, the technological part of it. The toilets always work. That kind of stuff. But it's also...

We do have free speech that they don't even have in Europe. I mean, in Europe, you and I both would get a knock on the door from the police in some countries. Germany, I mean, 60 Minutes just did a story on this. You would definitely get a knock on the door in Germany. Eye-opening. Well, because if you say something... I'm making... No, if you say something like, really, I feel like mildly...

insulting about a political leader, they can knock on your door and like take away your, it's crazy. They don't have the same tradition of free speech as we have here. Pretty awesome. They don't have a first amendment. Yeah. It is pretty awesome. And we take it for granted. We do. So it's the physical part. It's that part. It's also this part. We have this idea as with all our problems and all our shittiness, people have the idea here that

that tomorrow can always be different. You can always reinvent yourself. You can start something new. There's not other countries, including the Western European democracies, which are great countries. But, you know, in France, you take the baccalaureate when you're 16. You kind of

Your life is kind of there decided at 16. Oh, really? Yes, you're really going to go on to be a tradesman or a professional of some sort. They're much more structured and strictured than we are. And this country is kind of like,

Okay, well, tomorrow I will be an influencer who eats my asshole, you know, and you can make that work. I don't admire that you can, but people make shit work and don't have this idea that there's any cutting down of the tallest trees. Like everything is open. And there is a greatness in that.

This is something that like you cannot underestimate. When Americans lose, like every American thinks they're going to be a millionaire. The day they're born, they're like, I'm going to be a millionaire one day. And we run on that. That is the energy that we run on. And the second Americans start to feel like that's not an opportunity for them, shit gets dark fast. Yes. You need to do whatever you can to reinforce this idea that

It's really immigrant mentality, even though the people are born here. Totally. Absolutely. You can make it. You can. And that's what makes, I mean, that was at the forefront of everything. The reason why it resonates in people's minds is because it does happen. You see retards become millionaires. Like actual people who are retarded can become millionaires. Dude, you know what I realized is like a lot of times I think the perception of comedians is that

Like, we say something, and if you're offended by it, we're angry. And it's like, you can react however you want to react to things. Like, I don't police your reaction. If you're offended, that's okay. Yeah, sure. And if I was talking to you and you're like, hey, that makes me feel uncomfortable, that word. Right.

I just won't say it around you. I don't care. But that doesn't mean I won't continue to make a joke that might have it in it or say something with other people. But on a one-on-one level, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. Do you look through your social media and see what people are mad at you about? Yeah, I think I check. I also think it's important to get a litmus test. If I'm writing something, like if I'm writing my hour, I block out everything.

Because I don't want to create for my haters. I feel like a lot of people fall in that trap of like, how can I appease the people that don't like me? I want to make something that I really believe in and I think is like honest and authentic to me. And then after releasing it,

I think it's important to understand how you're taken in the marketplace. Oh, do people think I'm this? There are people who think I'm like this right-wing MAGA lunatic because I had Trump on the podcast. I think that. No, I'm kidding. But what a great segue to plug your...

No, no, I don't want to do that. I do want to. You just said, I spend my hour writing. I'm interested in that. You purposely write the special. It's not like the stuff you gather over. No, I gather that this one was different. This one is basically... And it's called? It's called Life. And it's on Netflix. It's on Netflix. And it's on now. It's on now, yeah. And it's basically about me trying to get my wife pregnant. And I found out my sperm sucks. Science knows how to do that.

Well, we had to use science. That's the story. Is that right? Yeah, so it's about... What did you have to do? Turkey baster? I had to do... No, we tried turkey baster. Are you serious? That didn't work. No. Don't use one that you used with the turkey. See, that's what the problem was. Yeah, I used that, and my wife gave me...

But yeah, so it was just this story of us having to do it. Like usually the woman is the one that's obviously concerned about her eggs and these things. But with me, it was mine. Goddammit, I was going to do that bit. Yeah, right. You would never have. About hours trying to get a girl pregnant. You're out there trying to fucking boycott. But you did finally get it done. We got done. What was the problem? My sperm doesn't swim and it's shaped weird.

Yeah, it always comes down to something silly like that. Yeah. And I don't feel that that in any way affects your masculinity. I don't think that at all. I think you're just as masculine as the next guy if the next guy is Richard Simmons. Anyway. Dude, you want to know what's crazy? Like, emotional reaction. When, obviously, I had, like, whatever, interactions with the doctor about, but, like, there was this, like, week or two afterwards where I thought that, like,

like primally, my wife would no longer be attracted to me. Like there would be this like instinctual thing that would happen. There is. Absolutely. You may not think it, but it's absolutely true. It's called the ick. Oh, I don't believe in ick. I don't believe in that. You may not believe in the ick, but it believes in you. No, no, I don't believe in it. I'll tell you why I don't believe in it. I think there's so much societal pressure on women to be married that they would rather be with a person than

that they don't like than alone. I think women are terrified of being alone. Certainly that describes the world of yesteryear.

I think women today, I think you're describing something that is a little in the past. No, no. Not that there aren't many women like that still. There are. But I think way less than there was 25 years ago. Let's say maybe there is. But let's say hypothetically some of them are still locked into these institutions. Obviously, like you grew up religious, right? Not you, but like some. Catholic, yes. Yeah, some women grew up religious, right? That have like, they have strong family values in the religion. Yes. Catholics, Jews, Christians. And there's this huge pressure to like get married and like start a family. Sure, sure.

And I think that that pressure that women have, men don't have it. Like our biggest fear is being with someone we hate. Clearly you have it.

Right? This motherfucker. Clearly. This guy got a whole bunker built. I feel like I've walked the walk. If you can see this whole room, it says single. There's a stripper pole behind me. Well, my tax forms say single. I'm not trying to hide it, man. So I think what happens is these girls end up in relationships with these dudes that they actually don't like.

And then when you don't like someone and you are with them, everything about them disgusts you. Because you know you settled. And that's a horrible thing to live with. That's the ick. So what I'm trying to say is it's women's fault. No, it's very true. I mean, you said that there's societal pressure and religious pressure, family pressure. There's also biological pressure. It is just part of a lot of women's DNA. I should...

mate and take care of a man and be a nurturer and have children and nurture them. And nothing wrong with that. No, it's beautiful. And you can do that and still be a brilliant person. Yeah. Yeah. But do it with someone that you like so that you don't have to sit. But, you know, people, it's like a game of musical chairs. At a certain point, you fear the music is going to stop.

And you're the one without the chair. So you're going to go for a chair. And then that's the problem. You're married to a chair. That's not a fun existence. It really isn't. It's not a fun existence. So you got to hope you get it right. And the older you get, I think the harder it is. Like if you're trying to meet somebody at 40...

Right. And you're meeting another person around that age. Like you both have built these lives that are completely separate. Like the odds of you being able to connect to that person and all your little idiosyncrasies matching up, that's,

One in a million. Well, I did it at 63, but that's all I'm going to say about that. So far. So far. I loved meeting you. Yeah, I loved meeting you too, man. Thank you so much. I'm so flattered that you came out here to do this because I know you're busy and I know your career is on a fucking skyrocket. Oh, thank you, man. So the fact that you would come here and do this with me in my crib, I really appreciate it. Anytime, man. This was so much fun. A real honor, man. Thank you. Dude, that was fun. Yeah. Yeah.

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