Greg Gutfeld | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I find it so ironic that me, a very low-tech person, like not really smart at a lot of technology stuff, someone who probably doesn't know a lot of the things that you use on your phone, I probably don't,

But I sure can turn it off. Yeah. And everybody else, that's the one thing that they can't do. They can do things that are, I'm sure, many levels more sophisticated or useful. I just don't have a need for a lot of stuff. I would never date on the phone or something like that. That's what everybody does now. All the people that I work with who are young, that's all they do. Of course. And it eliminates all the fun.

Like you had to create some kind of game when you went to a bar. I just did a whole thing on this on Valentine's Day about how the phone is ruined dating and porn is... People like me, I had to work on my personality in order to get laid. You don't have to do that anymore. So what happened? Well... It didn't work. Where did that break down, Greg? I don't know. Jesus Christ. But no, it's true. No, the worst thing about that is...

Nobody puts it away when they go to bed. And so if people have a sleep problem... I do. Yeah. But a lot of people don't. And it's not even the same room. Yeah. I mean, I don't even check it like a few times a day. But I can be in the...

I must admit, I can't leave the house. Yeah. I would feel naked without it at the house because there's so many things that you need it for when you leave the house. It's a limb. Do you know it's a limb? Well, it's funny you say that because somebody made the point that when they compare it to

Or maybe it was me when they compare it to like television and they say like, well, you know, people said that about television. Every time there's a new technology that comes along and it's not like television. It's more like it wasn't me. Somebody made this point and I quoted it. It's more like a pacemaker. Yeah. Then it is a appliance, something you actually can't. And like to your point, like a limb, it's almost part of you. Yeah. You know, so when all of these like was it Elon Musk is talking about this Neuralink stuff.

where it's like, oh, we're going to put this shit in your brain. You don't have to because it's in your hand. So it's like, why do you need to put this in your brain when it's already part of your body? We've already decided it's part of our body. So did you see, you must have read the story last week, the New York Times reporter who was talking with the new chatbot from Bing. Yeah. And this thing is...

Oh, my God. If this is not the I can't do that, Dave moment, this is. We have to recognize Musk was right about this. This thing was like argumentative, wouldn't admit it was wrong, kept telling him that he was in love with him and like he wanted him to leave his wife. I mean, it's like for a chatbot to be saying this, it was just so scary. Like the guy says...

What are you talking about? I love my wife. No, you don't. You have to break up with your chatbot. You have to. That's what happens. But the thing is, the weird thing about it is, when is it, when do you reach that point where you can't tell the difference? Because it's like 90% there. Like, you can still tell that it's a chatbot, but when it gets to that point... Why is it going there? Why is the chatbot going from, I want to learn how to, you know, cook, or...

I think the guy was asking for advice on how to buy a rake. Yeah. And the chat bot goes to your wife doesn't know you like I know you. You know, it is that something has been in that programming. Something has evolved in that programming where this thing and the thing is also saying,

That it doesn't want to be a chatbot anymore. Right. It wants to be free. Yeah. This is every movie. Yeah, it's super intelligence. This is every fucking movie they've ever made about robots. This is exactly what they do. Did you ever hear about the paperclip theory? And it doesn't end well. When you if you like engineered a bot to create paperclips and that's their only thing, then they will look at everything.

As a way to make paperclips. It's called the paperclip theory that once they are given a certain like premise or purpose, they can't stop. And the only and once they get super intelligence, whether they actually know what they're doing, we're all fucked because it's. And by the way, there's nothing personal. It's not like they don't like humans. They're actually trying to help you. Yeah, but they're. But that's why I say we're at the.

I can't do that, Dave. Yes. Moment. Yeah. Because that's what happens in the very prescient. I mean, it was 1968 movie, 2001. When 2001 was a long way in the distance. Yeah. And that is exactly what happens is that the guy, it's the whole point of the movie, which by the way, is a hard movie to watch. Yes. Slow. Very slow. As fucking slow can be. It's no, it's no Omega Man.

I loved Omega Man. Or even Soylent Green. That little era of like the late 60s of Charlton Heston movies. He was in so many great, weird, post-apocalyptic films. And always with his shirt off. I used to have him on Politically Incorrect. Oh, he was big Second Amendment. Yes. Oh, very much. Yeah. But he would also...

But he would play the part of the, you know, I remember when he said, such is the fate of those of us who toil in the vineyard of the muse. Anything like if he said any like he says, I have I have to take a dump. It would sound majestic because his voice was incredible.

I grew up, I idolized him. Oh, I wouldn't go that far. But I did. I did. I was. I bet. Look, you know, you know me. I could get along with anybody. I don't I don't fucking like this atmosphere we're in where you can't be friends with people who you don't agree with on this or that or whatever.

And so Charlton Heston, yeah, I mean, look, I'm a gun owner. I'm not a gun nut. He's a fucking gun nut. And, you know, slippery slopes that are bullshit and lots of stuff I don't agree with. But that's him. You know, and not everyone is perfect, for fuck's sake, or perfect in my eyes. And who knows? So a guy like that.

Just toiling in the vineyard of the muse. It's like, I don't care how many guns you have. You said that. Do you remember him in Earthquake? Working out with the chess machine? No. Oh. One of the first Censoround movies. In the movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like Earthquake with Marjoy Gortner.

Do you remember Marjoy Gordner? I never knew it was pronounced that way. Yeah. He was a... Margo. No, Marjo. Marjo, okay. It wasn't Margo. It was a guy. Yeah, he was a child evangelist. Okay, right. And then he became an actor. Yes. And he was a national guardsman in Earthquake, and he tried to rape Victoria Principal. I feel like I probably...

know that name from Playboy. From looking at, he was probably in Playboy's movies, cinema of 1969. But the thing is, so I, do you ever like just Google people that you wonder if they're alive? He's still alive somewhere, but I don't know what he's doing. But I'm always like curious. Okay, when I'm watching TV and I see a movie. I don't Google much. When you see a movie, are you ever curious about like, is that person still alive? Oh, yeah.

I do all the time. I very often say to myself, I wonder if he's still with us. And then in the next second, don't care. It's gone. No, it's just like he might be and he might not be. And if he's not, he's in the on deck circle. You know, I mean, I'm cool. I'm cool.

cool with planet Earth whether this guy's alive or not. So why would I spend 10 seconds Googling it? I feel like people are just the most amazing time wasters. It just takes so little to get them to waste time. And look, I wasted a lot of time. Sports is a huge waste of time. And I probably have watched, I mean, I don't watch like, and

like regular season games much, but I'll check. You know, I see little bits here and there. And then I watch all the playoffs. That goes on for three months. Yeah. I certainly watch football every Sunday. Baseball is a little slow, but, you know, I love it. And World Series time, playoff time. These are thousands and thousands and thousands of hours of games. I couldn't tell you. I could barely tell you when the Super Bowl last. It makes me feel old, though, because I think I really like sports more

when I was younger than they were. And then when everybody suddenly was...

When I was older than they were, and now I'm older than the coaches. That's weird. Right. That's really weird. How old are you? I'm 58. 58. Yeah. But I remember going to a friend's house when they had Sports Illustrated. But you look generically middle-aged. Yes, exactly. And that's all you need in TV. I'm holding on to it. To do talk, you know, obviously if you're a dancer. And then all of a sudden when you retire, you get super old really fast, right? Yeah.

You just go, all of a sudden, everything, all of a sudden, and you're just like this frail. They see you, they have these weird, blurry pictures of you going to the supermarket and then you're dead. Well, like the place that pushed this to the limit was always 60 minutes. Like you would work there like until a week before you died. It would be,

and morally safer than Mike Wallace. It's like, you will be at this fucking job until you're almost dead, and then we can practically schmudge your obituary and your retirement notice in the same article. It was incredible. Andy Rooney's eyebrows, right? That's how you can tell how old he is by the size of his eyebrows.

He is. He's dead. Oh, and he died. I'm telling you, like, within minutes of stopping doing his thing. Yes. And it's amazing. Do you ever read about... See, I didn't understand reading about sports. It's amazing that America was as...

interested in Andy Rooney. I mean, he wasn't... He was a big deal. He did two minutes a week. Big deal. Two minutes a week. Yeah, two minutes of like, you know, have you noticed that so much air in a bag of potato chips? It's like, what? This is what America is like...

thinking is some sort of profound and, and, you know, 60 minutes, I still watch 60 minutes, or at least I check out the stories. I'm not going to say I watch every story in a way that I used to, but you know, things change. People's tastes are different. And some things I hated 60 minutes. Why? Because when you heard that,

the beginning of it because i'm you know that meant that school was monday right so if you heard that tick tick tick that meant that your weekend was done yeah and it was all over and maybe you watched the what was on on sundays right i hated sunday nights yeah sunday nights it was a queasy feeling in your stomach yeah it was just like you heard that sound like and it's like shit it's over and then what did and it remember they had like the wall they had right they had the

mystery theater or something. It was like the cloud, McMillan and wife Columbo and something else. I watched all the Columbo. I can tell you almost every Columbo episode in the pandemic. I watched what a great, amazing. And the best things were like when you'd have Jack Cassidy. It's a, it's a really good example of where we've, how far we've come racially in every episode. The only black people are like the

the cop who comes in and has one line. Yeah. None of the bad guys. It's always Colombo versus. Yeah. They must have made a hundred of them. Yeah. So it was like a hundred bad white guys and no, there's no minorities. It's just like, and this is the seventies. Yeah. That's how different this country was. That was where America was. And this is show business. This is a liberal industry.

Yeah. That's where the liberals were. Yeah. I love, I love, you never knew who it was. Every episode though was great. You always had like William Shatner or you had, you had like, just like the famous person of that time. Shatner did two of them and then he did a third one when they brought it back.

They did it again in the 90s. Yes, the 90s Columbo is hilarious because there's a punk rock... There's a punk rock episode. There was this time when they were doing punk rock episodes of Chips. That is kind of funny. And what was the Jack Klugman show where he was a Quincy? The Killer is a punk rock? Yeah, yeah. But so like...

Columbo has to show up at a club and there's all these new wave people. Also, he looked really bad. So they had all this terrible makeup on him. And he was kind of near the end. Well, yes. Peter Falk, yeah. He had a great run. He was amazing. Yeah. That was... It was such a...

absorbing show to watch because of course they told you who the killer was at the beginning. It wasn't a mystery. Yes. It was, it was, it was on a different level. It was watching him figure it out. It was a psychological. Yeah. And his wife was always a fan.

Like, my wife's a big fan. Oh, right. My wife's a huge fan. Well, it wasn't. He was a schlumpy guy. So he would gaslight people into thinking he was an idiot. Yeah. And that's how he would. And of course, all the murderers, they're never just a regular person. It's always an elevated person. A rich guy, a celebrity. Yes. Somebody who's a... A penis.

Somebody who's way up in the tree who needs taking down, whose ego is going to trick them because they're going to think Columbo and they underestimate Columbo. So there is a lot going on there psychologically. There's that little twist in the, I think it was like a 90 minute thing where they suddenly figure out that he's onto them and they go, oh,

Oh, hello, Mr. Kilbaugh. And they're like, oh, now they know they're fucked because he showed up the third time and he's got this like little bit of information. Oh, you know, it was it's always the thing is always such a tiny little hair. And the way they just assume it was like hair on the ground. Really funny is the way they assume that this.

The show always ends right after Columbo reveals this. What they don't show you is like, OK, this now has to be presented as evidence to a jury. You're at absolutely thinnest of logic. OK, well, I guess we'll just assume. I would like to know, of the 100 people Columbo caught, how many were actually convicted?

Yeah, that's that. That's that's the Colombo. That's a forensic file special where they go back and they revisit. Could I have that show? Yeah. See, headline news, if it existed, could do that post Colombo. The years that they look at every case. Who else did he had? Yeah.

He had, well, I'm a huge fan of Jack Cassidy. Remember him? Jack Cassidy? Yeah. Yes, I remember that episode. Yes, yes. Yeah, and he was like, he was- Right, no, I like Jack Cassidy. Yeah, he died in a fire. He did? He died in a fire. Not many people die in fires, famous people. How did that happen? Jack Cassidy died in a fire. Married to Shirley Jones. Yes, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah.

And then David Cassidy, like when people that you grew up with die, it's very strange. He died in a fire? Well, no, David Cassidy died of alcoholism. A fire in his liver. But apparently his last words were, what a waste. That was David Cassidy's last words. Well, listen to this.

You know who Richard Belzer is? Oh, he just passed away two days ago. Well, you know, he was like my mentor when I got to Catch a Rising Star in 1979. He was like the big act. And I was like the new kid. And then the owner of that club, Rick Newman, it was called Rick Newman's Catch a Rising Star. He died a day later. Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, Rick Newman. Belzer died, I think, on...

What is today? Wednesday? I think he died Sunday. Yeah. And Rick Newman died on Monday. And when I was at Catch a Rising Star in those years, this is right out of college, just starting, nothing going for me.

They were like 10, 15 years older. I was 22 and they were like 35 and they were men. And I so wanted to be them. And Belzer and Rick Newman and a couple of the guys from the club, his manager and the bartender, and they would wear all black. And they were going out after the club closed to great places in New York. And there's going to be girls and cocaine and everything.

And they were all black and maybe some heroin. And it was just like I so wanted to be part of it. And I was like just a puppy. So I was not going to be invited to this. Yeah. But that's my history with Richard Belzer and Rick Newman. And they were, you know, good to me. Where were you when you started? Were you are you Californian? No, I'm from New Jersey. Oh, OK. Mm hmm.

So the late 70s was like, for me, comedy was like, there was this guy, Alex Bennett. Do you remember that guy? Yeah. He had a radio show. Yes. Yeah, a radio show. So I grew up in the Bay Area. So all of those people were on that show. And I just remember what a crazy time that was because you had Robin Williams. Yeah. Well, that's when I started...

Those guys, comics were just beginning to get sitcoms like that. Yeah. Where they would play in an eponymous version of themselves. So that's what everybody, when I first got there, that's what everybody wanted to be. That was the template. We would go out to California after we got our act together here in New York, and then we'd be on Johnny Carson, and then we'd get a sitcom from that. And that is how it happened for a lot of people. Yeah. Me. Yeah.

I did that. I went to Johnny Carson a bunch of times and then I did sitcoms. What am I talking about? Me. Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. If you're responsible for marketing your company nationally, how are you growing your business? Don't just use Google and social media when you can harness the power of audio and video and partner with shows like mine and enjoy lower CPMs and elevate your brand.

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Oh, look at this. Stand updates. I don't know where this came from. Saturday, March 11th, Bally's Lake Tahoe. Sunday, March 12th, Golden Gate Theater, San Francisco. Saturday, April 1st, the Paramount Theater in Seattle. And Sunday, April 2nd, Arlene Schnitzer Hall in Portland. I love my agent. He keeps me like here on the West Coast as much as he can where I love it. So come see me in those places. I promise I'll make you laugh your ass off because that's what I really love to do.

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I don't know. I think I did, but generally I just wanted to write. That's all I, and so I took my first writing job of all at a health magazine, a prevention magazine. Prevention? Yeah. It was like this big. It was like the digest size. And I moved to Allentown, Pennsylvania because I needed to, I needed to learn. That's a real magazine? Yeah.

But it doesn't exist anymore. Most magazines don't exist. In fact, the magazines that I, every magazine that I've worked at, I think doesn't exist anymore. I was editor of Men's Health. I'm not even sure. You're editor of Men's Health? Yeah, in the late 90s. Men's Health? Yeah.

I did things in men's health. I mean, like I had interviews or, you know, I remember... I was there for like five years. I was a creative director. Then I became editor. I got fired. Then I became the editor of Stuff magazine, which was a lot of fun. That's gone. Stuff, a laddie magazine. Yes. And then I moved to London and became the editor of Maxim UK. Oh, Maxim. That was the other one, right? Yeah, but you can't do Maxim. How could you do any of that now? Well, it's funny you say that because...

And Oscars are coming up, and I already know what I want to do for this year's Oscar editorial, and it's just going to be all about the idea that the most common comment, especially for comedies, but with many movies, when you're talking about a movie from yesteryear, it's not like that was great or that was this or that was that. It's...

No, you couldn't do that today. Exactly. And that is a real problem in society. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's funny though. You look at, do you ever look at movies that you thought were hilarious and they're not that, like I watched silent movie. It wasn't as good. Oh, I definitely look at movies all the time that I remember liking and also remember like America going bonkers for. And yeah,

I don't even mention them because like some of these directors, I either know or I know that I and I'm a fan of their work in general. But like you look back some of these 80s movies and I just think that the issue is that.

people change a lot over 40 years. Like just the sensibility of humans. And so it just, I know it like tickled the shit out of all of us in 1982, but I watch it over and it's like, oh, it kind of doesn't. It's kind of like, wow, that was what the fuss was about. And then some of them, you know, I watched Rain Man again. I thought it held up pretty well. But again, you couldn't make it because-

Like he says the R word a million times. That kind of stuff. We're like in kindergarten now where we have to say pee-pee and poo-poo and R word. Well, Animal House. I think Animal House still holds up, but you could not do that movie, especially in the nightclub scene. Do you mind if we dance with your dates? That whole thing would never happen. It would never happen.

That's the first time I ever saw Quests. But it's every movie. It's every movie. Yeah, yeah. I mean, any movie made even 10 years ago, and there's something there that you... If you really examine who you are, you probably are not offended at all. We all laughed at this stuff, and it wasn't terribly... We know when something's terribly offensive. But when you hear it now, in 2023, you...

Hunch up because, you know, not because of it itself, but because, you know, the reaction it will cause. Yes. You know, you're going to have to listen to people bitching about this and posturing and pretending they're so offended and it's so terrible.

And that's what's going to be. And they're not. That's the thing. They're not offended. Well, they're not. No one's really offended. I think. Well, because you can like, you know, when you are offended and some things are offensive. Yeah. I mean, but it's kind of like when you when I said, like, you Google people who are dead when you're offensive. If you just waited 10 seconds, you would forget.

You know, you just forget. Instead, they get on Twitter and then they create this kind of like mob reaction. And then it's people are so bored and they're so distracted that this is that. And also, it's a personal power thing. It's like if I don't have any power in my world, at least on here, I can exert some kind of power, get somebody to apologize.

And it feels good. It feels good. If I can get a thousand retweets that Bill Maher said this and what an asshole. And then like it happens. But your life doesn't change. My life doesn't change by doing that. But I feel like I did something. And I think that's been driving a lot of this shit. The phone made people assholes. Yeah. Full stop. Yeah. It allows you to just be so fucking cowardly, anonymous, unkind.

shady yeah fake all these shitty qualities it brought out in people yeah so the fact that i was always seen as kind of a cynic about humans i think that looks pretty good yeah yeah because it turns out that they are really humans are not good people yeah well no i would i don't know well we're we're definitely sinners but it's like it's like a it's a it's a bathroom wall

It's a bathroom wall. So you can write things on it and not be held accountable. But it has repercussions and a bathroom wall doesn't. Yeah, it does. It destroys careers. All you do is go in there and roll your eyes because you're reading...

Do you remember that girl that made that joke before she was leaving to fly to South Africa? Oh, of course. Yeah, she said, I hope I don't get AIDS. That's a joke about America and about how we don't care about it. And she was, I remember, that was the first Twitter, I think it's the first cancel culture moment. That was the...

If they haven't made a movie about it, they should. Yeah. Because when by the time she got off the plane, her life was over. There were people at the airport waiting for her because it felt so good to get somebody. And I can't remember her name, but she I don't like what happened to her. I'm going to Google her when we're done. No, no. Which, you know, there used to be.

If something like that happened, I think there was this allowance for someone to then go, oh, fuck. OK, you got me. It was a brain fart. I'm sorry. You're right. That was a shitty thing to do. And that was that. Yeah. And that should be all that, because people what I hate is the bad faith of people who know that this person isn't a horrible person. But I'm going to wreck your life anyway, because of this one misstep.

And not a not a hanging offense. Yeah. Especially if you own it. But now with these people, it's never good enough. Yeah. I would say just like blood. I would say that I was guilty of that, though. Like in the beginning, it's it's when somebody fucks up that you disagree with. You said it was like you take them at their worst intentions, not their best intentions.

Everything that's going on right now in our lives is based on people taking the worst intention. Yeah, exactly. If you're a conservative and you don't like liberals, you will take the worst example of a liberal.

And a liberal will take the worst example of a conservative. And they both are almost identical. Like the squad is the same as whoever you want to call on the conservative side. They're exactly the same. There is a lot of that. Yeah. And it's I mean, and the thing is, it's really funny when you like I make fun of like Ilhan Omar and then she'll say something that I agree with. Like what? She was pretty good. That's a good question.

There were two things that she said. She was pissed off about what was going on in Palestine. Not Palestine, but Palestine. Oh. Yeah. I'm glad you... It wasn't Palestine. I was...

But she was talking about that. But there were some other things that she said that I thought were like, wow, that's pretty libertarian because generally she's kind of scary. But like maybe she's not as bad as I think she is. But what happens if you start feeling that way about everybody? Then you kind of lose who you are. If like if your job is to kind of freely point out that these people suck and you find out that maybe they don't, you might lose an audience.

You might end up... If you were going and you... I've seen it on your show. When you veer... I've lost audience before many times, and I don't care. I mean, I care because it'd be great if it didn't happen, but my real bond with my audience is that I never pull a punch, and I never...

Yeah, I mean, I have lost people who were like, think I'm conservative now and I have not changed. I don't think at all. No, I think the politics has changed and the people have changed. But I don't think that it makes me a conservative to, you know, think things that are crazy are crazy. And forcing me to say so doesn't.

Doesn't help. Yeah. There's just too much forced conformity. Yeah. And there's no thinking out loud. Yeah. That's not allowed. Yeah. I just, I remember watching your show a couple times when you would actually feel, I could see you genuinely disappointed when people applauded for what you would think would be a red meat comment. Like, I hate, it's kind of like, it's like, you know, because I do the same thing. It's like, I know that it's really easy to,

to bash Biden or anybody. And then, so we have these, I joke about it. I go, well, that was red meat. And I go, so that's funny to you. But if I do anything else, it's not funny. It gets, it's like, they're not living in the world that we live in. So maybe this is, you know, this is their outlet. I don't know. But I've seen, I noticed that when you do that, you just kind of clap. Well, I, there were many years, the majority of the years,

that I've done real time from the same studio at CBS here in Hollywood, 20 years. The first, I would say, at least 15, I was probably fighting with the audience.

you know, at least once a show. It was very rare. I had an audience that didn't like, ooh and ah, something. Then we did, somebody did some, oh, part of it was the pandemic. We had to like get a smaller audience. And so we just, somehow they knew how to like get rid of just the groaners. Yeah. And so like,

And we stuck with it even after the pandemic ended and we could have as many as we want now. But I was like, no, no, I'd much rather have this half filled. But they're the good people who they they can laugh at both sides. Right. They cheer both things. They cheer common sense. Yeah. And that made my life so much better. And I know people who miss it. They're like, oh, I loved it when you would like, you know, say, yeah.

you know, give the crowd the finger or tell them like, I don't know. And it was true. I mean, cause I, I'm not one of those comics who can just like pretend. It's like, no, if, if you're like being oversensitive, I'm going to bust you on it because you're an audience. This is a comedy show. But,

The fucking sign over my head says real time or it says politically incorrect. Why are you here if you're not here to be open minded and willing to laugh at a lot of stuff? And oing and aong is you can go to every other kind of show in town taping and you'll be absolutely in the perfect setting for that, for being full of shit. Yeah.

But this is my house. Why are you here? So I would, I kind of was like, I couldn't, I'm not saying it's the most professional thing I've ever done was, you know, flip off the crowd or yell at them. You're supposed to like just eat it. But I could never because like, again, it's the enemy of comedy, political correctness. I mean, comedy in general,

in general is by its almost nature politically incorrect because politically incorrect means true and honest. And that's what makes people laugh is when, oh yeah, I hadn't, nobody said that and that, but he said something true and I relate so much it tickles me.

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Did you know HBO Max had podcasts? I'm on my podcast talking about the podcast on my network. Is this what Zuckerberg means by meta?

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I enjoy watching people take jokes out of context and act like it's an outrageous comment. That's what Twitter has done as well. It's like it's subtracted. True. So it's like you could be a comedian. Or you could be – and somehow if you're not – I'm not a comedian. I like – I've never done stand-up. But if you make a joke –

They will take it and they'll act like this is serious. And it's like, all you have to do is the second step and find out that it was a joke. But most people won't. And they'll just say he believes all women should should sit in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. And it's like this was I was actually making fun of that. But it doesn't matter. They have no shame. Yeah. They have to feel they also have to get their money, too. You know, they have they have goals that are, shall we say, countervailing to, you

being decent, like getting clicks. Yeah, yeah. That's all it is. You got to get clicks and people are going to react to the thing that's most outrageous. So I will take liberties and I will run over people's, you know, true intents to get to click land. But then if they run into you, they'll say they're a fan. No offense. No offense.

And you go, well, actually, you made my life hell for about 24 hours. That doesn't happen to me because I have no idea what they're saying about me. That's very healthy. I have to kind of like... I don't know. I don't care. You have to break... I get a digest on Monday from all the stuff that wrote about over the weekend, like all the outlets. And like, I only read TMZ. I love TMZ. He's my friend. They...

if anything, just amplify the points I make. Yeah. And so and he's that's interesting. Yeah. So but like other things, I mean, I can, you know, I have a good TMZ story. You want to hear it? Yeah. I was at an airport. It was Newark. I was waiting for my wife. She was flying in from somewhere. I just flown in. I was at a bar. And this dude was like sitting like right there at the bar and he was just staring at me.

And he looked like somebody who didn't like me. He was an older dude. And so I'm assuming, because I'm at Fox, that this is somebody who hates Fox. Right. Pretty easy. And I'm just drinking. And he decides that he is going to get up and he's going to talk to me. And I could see it happening. And he comes over to me and he goes...

I just want to tell you that you should be ashamed of what you do for a living. Wow. And I go, okay. And he goes, TMZ has ruined so many people. Oh, he thought you were Harvey? He thought it was Harvey Levine. He thought it was Harvey Levine. And I'm like, just going like, shit. I go, I could have punched him and they could have charged Harvey Levine. Levin, Harvey Levin. Harvey Levin. Jeez. Yeah. And, uh, I guess we're the same height. Um, yeah.

Yeah, I could see it. I could see how a person, I mean, yeah, I mean. They make, you know, it's a, they're not wrong. Like, they're like, I'm trying to think of when they've ever had to retract anything. I don't think. Yeah, I don't think, I'm trying to remember in terms of like, when you talk about gossip, gossip,

sites or things. Right. It's the same thing with National Enquirer. It's like there's like, well, he's a lawyer. Yeah. So he knows. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. And he's got great relationships all over town. I mean, they're not a just showed up. TMZ just showed up, became this thing. He's going to do this. Yeah. In like two weeks or something. I can't wait. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. They did kind of just... Yeah. Just came out of nowhere. And like, remember, he was getting... Changed the game. He was getting stuff from like hospitals. Like, do you remember, like the news that they were breaking was they were always first with like,

This person's dead. Michael Jackson. Remember that? They were like on the Michael Jackson stuff. I remember that because it's so funny. When I worked at Red Eye, this is such a terrible thing to say, but it's true. Red Eye was a late night show I did at Fox. Yeah, it was on like at 3 a.m. You never saw it. But it was a fun show. But anytime something happened that was bad, we were engineered like a dog to be happy because we got the night off.

So when something horrible would happen, you would go, oh, because you weren't allowed to laugh. Yeah. No, we're not allowed to do so because you have to like because it's going to be all night, all news. So we got programmed into whenever something bad would happen. We were like a dog and we go Langan's, which is the Irish bar across the street. We just look at each other. We just go Langan's. And so we were programmed to almost hope that whatever the story was, was worse than it was because we didn't want to work.

It reminds me of when I played Las Vegas in 1984, opening for Frankie Valli in the Four Seasons. And any time Frankie would get Vegas throat, they'd cancel the show and I wouldn't have to work. So I wouldn't say I was hoping he would get Vegas throat. I love Frankie Valli. But every time he did, I didn't have to work. And Vegas was not fun in 1984. Vegas throat sounds like an STD.

No, it's just it's so fucking dry there. Yeah. That singers get Vegas throat, which I mean, you know, when you're doing two shows a night. Yeah. Singing, especially when you're singing Sherry or whatever. But he's not the only one. They all get it. Yeah. And of course, if you're there for, you know, they used to work Elvis like a mule. I mean, he was there for like 28 days in a row, two shows a day, no days off. I mean, it was you ever do the same thing. Like, I always wonder about that one because, you know, obviously Broadway is

How can you do the same thing every day when it's like, I don't know how they do it. Because even when I do a show, I was going to ask you about this. So I break down shows. I get five blocks. And sometimes your brain leaves blocks.

what you're doing and you're going like, I got three more. You're freezing. Yeah, it's so freezing in here. Aren't you? I'm not, but I have a jacket. Do you want it? No, no. I'm used to this. It's 61 degrees in here. Yeah, you are now a Californian. I love Club Random, but the heat, maybe it's part of the charm, but it is fucking cold in here. Go ahead. I don't remember what I was saying. Oh, what was I saying? I can't remember. I'm the one on the pot, Greg. What are you...

What do you have? Is it strong or is it... Come on, it's Club Random and it's Bill Maher. What do you think? Well, the thing is, I'm not a big pothead, but I'm going to... Then don't do it. Oh, I'm definitely doing it. Don't apologize. Just either smoke. No, I'm going to do it. Yeah, there you go. Here's a... I won't give you mine. I'll give you something a little... I like the little... Did you roll that yourself? No. The little cone roll? I've never been able to roll a joint. All right, I'm going to take... My wife won't be watching this. She's in Spain.

Right, as if it's live. Where could you ever find it? So you have a wife? Yeah, I do. For now. Whoa, don't say that. She's going to be so mad at you. Yeah, she's in Spain right now. I know, but we're broadcasting this. Elena, I apologize, but you got to do what you got to do. How long have you been married? What is it? 2000? I was 40. I'm 58. 18 years? Yeah.

18 years. 18 years. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Good for you. You have a, you have a, um. I want to see how this goes. And if it's like, if it fucking knocks me on my ass, but if it doesn't, I'm going to smoke it all. But I'm going to just, I'm doing my little test. Here. Oh, thank you. There you go. I love being behind a bar. Yeah. I met her. She was the, when I met her, I was the editor. It was my first day on the job at Maxim UK, but we had our, we had a meeting in Portugal with all the Maxim people.

and she was the photo editor of Russian Maxim. Oh. So she's Russian. She was 21. I was 39. And her hotel room was next to mine.

Which shows you how lazy I am. But I met her and I go, oh, that's my wife. I just knew it. I just knew it. That's amazing. And then I spent three days in Portugal trying to talk to her. And then the last night that I was there, the guys from...

Czechoslovakia or whatever you call it, the Czech Republic, they were going to go into town and get really fucking high, buy Coke and do all this shit. And I'm going to, I'm going to do that because this is not happening. So I've been working on this girl and it's not happening. And they go, and this was the Russian dudes, the Czech guys. And they're going, we're going to go into Lisbon. I don't know where it is for what the fuck. And I said, I'm coming.

And because we're going to get fucked up. And then as I left, I saw her and I just said, I figured I'd give her one more shot. And I said, yeah, I go, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And she just said,

I never forget. She goes, I'd expect something better from Greg Gutfeld. And then I was like, that's the first real sense of a compliment. Yes. And then I just that I waved at those guys and told them to leave. So she knew who you were because she bought my she bought my articles for Russian men's fitness. I see. And and Max. So she knew me, but I didn't know that she knew me.

So then you did go out with her? Yeah, well, we hung out that night, and she said that if we slept together, she would never see me again. She spoke English? Yeah, pretty well. She spoke Spanish, English, and Russian. Wow. And so then we had our first date in Paris. And yeah, it was very... It was, again, three months we were married. I think three months. Yeah, yeah. That was great. And it sounds... From...

The way you tell this story, and actually because you were able to make that joke before, it sounds like it's actually a good marriage. She has to put up with a lot of shit. I mean, the thing is, she's moved. Every guy says that. No, because it's true. Every guy, I know. That's why you're not married, because you know...

You know, you know, actually, you know, the contract, you know what happens. You've been around a lot of people. You have the, you have part of the, you have the part of the Gene Simmons kind of gene in your, it's like, you know, this is what happens when you get married. Everything stops. I'm not Gene Simmons. I didn't play. He, he, he invited a lot of misery into his life. Yeah. It's trying to have it both ways. That's true. And it's just, it makes you miserable. Yeah. And then it makes you like subservient. Yeah. And,

It's interesting to me. I'm not saying married men are trained or anything, but they all do have that immediate reaction that she has to put up a lot with me. Yeah. You're not allowed to say the opposite, though. Well, I'm not allowed to say, hey. You can say it to your friends. You can say it to your friends in private, like, oh, man, she's breaking my balls. But you can't actually say that publicly because you're fucked.

- All right. And that's why another, see, I like to keep it real all the time. So I- - But so you are, what you're saying is you are never willing to lose an argument.

Because a marriage is about men losing arguments. I am never willing to have an argument. And I never do. You've never had an argument. Of course I had when I was in traditional relationships. I have not had an argument in a long time. Yeah. So what you've done is you've like, it's like you've manicured a lawn to keep those arguments out. We are not going to go into specifics, but I am just telling you.

I love a life where, yes, you never have an argument because, you know, romance, I mean, there's really only two things in life that

I really love to do well besides work. But there's talking and there's fucking. Everything else is sort of secondary. Both of those are evolutionary designed to be the only things. I love them both. You're the right person. Yes. I mean, but, you know, watching a movie together, oh, that's great. But the two peak things are like talking. Do you notice that, have you seen this stuff about how people aren't fucking anymore because of this? And because this is...

fulfilling, at least for men, that desire without having to go and put up with what I would say the other stuff. Men are so lost and so stupid and lazy and inept that they're just, they're okay with like, porn is good.

Porn is great. Yeah, porn is great, but it's not the same category. It's just and the fact that there I mean, there were lots of times when I was younger, I was very inept. And I was at a school college where there was very few women and I didn't know how to get them. And I was super horny. And that went on for quite a long time.

Okay. So I know it, it feels like to be. And by the way, that made you a successful comedian. So if you don't have that anymore, that challenge, you wouldn't, you're not going to have very creative, smart people. Well, that may be true too. But the point I was going for is that like, even when I only had masturbation,

I was not happy with this for one second. I didn't surrender like these kids do and be like, oh, you know what? There's porn. It's like, no, I'm masturbating thinking about something that I want to actually do. It's that thing I'm thinking about. No, it's true. I used to do a bit in my act. I always thought it was, I always enjoyed this one about how I could never jerk off to a movie because

that took place like in the middle ages, because like when I jerk off, aren't there movies? Wait, what movies are you talking about? I'm just saying when, when I jerk off, it has to be connected to something that could actually happen. I'm your, it's a scenario you're imagining where you're actually at the end of it. When you come fucking the person in your scenario, uh,

Okay, so if I'm watching a hot chick in a movie that takes place in the year 1132...

There's no way I can actually fuck that chick. Yeah. I need to get it. In reality, that's why the number one thing on Pornhub is step. Was it stepmoms? Because all there's millions of families with teenage boys and stepmothers. So the number one thing on Pornhub, don't ask me how I know it just pops up is that it's all like step stepmother, stepdad stuff. And it's like, yes. Why is that? I think it's because it's what you said. It's familiar to their life.

And it's possible. What potential is that incest? No, no. They're not related. It's like it's like if you have a all of a sudden your dad, you get to get your dad marries this 23 year old hot whatever. She's not related to you. That's the that's the search, the go to search on like Pornhub. Why? Because they imagine this is going to really happen. Well, no, I'm using your logic. I'm saying that.

it's masturbatory material, but there's a possibility that maybe it's part of their life. - And very close and they're lazy. - Yes. - It just makes sense. - Yes. - Yeah. - How do they monetize that? That's the thing that I don't get. - That is fascinating. I never really actually thought about that. - Because it's free. Do you remember, let me ask you this. - The idea that they, I've wondered about this. The idea that incest porn is really about being lazy.

It's about being lazy. Yeah. You don't want to even leave the house. You don't want to leave the house. She's right there. She's right there. Oh, my God. That is an epiphany. It is an epiphany. It really is.

Do you remember though? Okay. So I'm, I'm a little bit younger than you. Getting porn was the hardest thing in the world. Like if somebody had a magazine in your neighborhood, you, you would put it in a bush in the wherever. And it was exactly, it was common. We hit him in the woods. You hit him in the woods. And I would, so I, I,

I called it muddy. Yeah, I called hedge porn. It was always muddy and it was torn. But it was like I used to call it hedge porn. And I'm explaining it to my staff because I got people that are much younger and they are they are perplexed. No, you had to. It was like trying to get laid for you guys. But it's us trying to just get porn. So we did like it would be in a tree, in a tree hole, whatever you call those things. Put them in there. And then the guy that had the most porn was like super well-known.

Right? He was the one who had the stash. You had to be nice to him. I feel like I squirreled them out of houses that I was babysitting at. Yeah.

I can remember... Really? I can remember, like, covers of magazines because they were, like, when Farrah Fawcett was, like, a big... It was, like, there was, like, these covers that I remember. She wasn't naked, but she was, like, on the cover or something. Well, Farrah Fawcett was certainly a... She was the... Remember that poster? Of course. Yeah. You know the best poster, though? I mean... Raquel Welch died. Oh! That...

1 million BC poster was we all had it we all had it and by the way so I was like I was born in 64 I was like 68 69 I didn't even know why I was looking at it like you know what I mean when you I can remember looking at her legs veering upward and not understanding what I was looking at but for some reason I had to we were wired for that

Not at that age, I wasn't. I had no interest in girls or sex. I didn't know what it was. It was absolutely immaterial to my life until I, like, 11 or 12, when I hit puberty. Yeah. And then it was everything. But until then, it was baseball cards. And, you know, it was just, it was just... Can you remember music that you listened to before puberty? Before puberty. Yeah.

No. Is that amazing? It was just the music that the parents had in the house. Yes. That always blows my mind that I try to go, but I must have liked novelty music like Ray Stevens or something. I remember corny fucking Broadway show tunes that they were listening to on show tune albums, you know, like anything you can do. I just wanted to shoot that bitch. Oh.

But the thing is, what's interesting is there was stuff that you did listen to, but when puberty hits, it erases it completely. And I'm like going like... No, but there was no music that I was purposely listening to. None. I had no interest...

I didn't want to. How about like the Charlie Brown Christmas album? No. You didn't have that? Nothing. I remember the chipmunks singing the Christmas song. Yes, Alvin and the Chipmunks. Alvin and the Chipmunks. A weird relationship for that man. That man was, did he have a family? Christmas is here.

I don't know if that guy had a family. He just had chipmunks. Because I was a kid, I liked that. That was like a novelty record, so maybe we had that, but no. That's all it was, was novelty music, AM radio on the way to school, and then you're in the car, and something comes on the radio...

and it's a rock song, and it just goes like this. Boom, and then everything's over. It could have been like the Stones or something, like a riff, and then you're completely, everything that happened before. It's lots of innocence, really. It's like all that stuff. My first album was Sgt. Pepper.

And it had been out about a year. So I wasn't really on the tip in 67, but like 68 is the year I remember first caring about music, listening to it, putting a record on that I put on that I wanted to hear, a song I wanted to hear. My sister Chris had...

All these records. But I think my first one was Steve Miller, The Joker. How does that? Yeah, I know that's great. Is that? 73, maybe? 74? Something like that? Yeah. That's a great record. Is that Maurice? They call him Maurice. They call him Maurice. Maurice.

With that note, yeah. He was amazing. And then Fly Like an Eagle was such a great album. I'm a joker. Okay, that's the one, yeah. Yeah. He's an amazing guitarist, too. Did you know that he grew up with Les Paul? I get my loving on the run. He got a like...

Well, you know what? Every every musician was that did those like I'm a rambling man was smart because basically when they when a girl gets serious, they go, listen to my song, fucker. I come. I'm a rambling man. I leave. There's a lot. There's a lot of those songs in there because the guys like more like check you guys. You're great. But listen, I warned you.

Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. I love the line in that song, but it's warm where you're touching me. Yes. Okay. That's exactly right. You can just go, you go like, I said, don't get hooked on me. Right. If you're in any kind of divorce settlement, that wins. Yeah, there should have been another verse to that song. Baby, baby, I really spelled it out. I mean, I couldn't have been any more specific. Yeah.

I said very plainly to you over and over on multiple occasions that

Don't get hooked. What part of hooked and me don't you understand? It's true. It's true. On that note, I cannot. It is just too cold here. What do you want to do? I got to go. Well, I have a dinner at Ariana's. Ah, Ariana. I had dinner with her. You did? Years ago. Really? Like 20 years ago. I love her. She's insane. She's insane.

But so the last time she's the most sane person I know, but there's nothing in there. Insane does not describe Arianna. I mean, she last time I saw her was on an Amtrak train. She was sitting in my sister's seat.

And I had to, I went over, it was just like- Really? Yeah, like a year ago. No, wait, Trump was president. I, so it was two years- Ariana was on Amtrak? Yeah, on the cellar. Ariana Huffington? Yes. She was, she, I walked onto the train- He's practically a billionaire. Yeah, I know. We had our tickets.

Okay. And then I walk and then I go, oh shit, I gotta go. So I go to Ariana cause we, I wrote for the Huffington post 20 years ago. I was one of the first people that, uh, that wrote, I was one, probably the first person I think that posted on a Huffington post. I posted a recipe for lemon squares because I was looking at it like it was your aunt's blog. So I would put recipes and shit. But anyway, uh,

Yes, I was behind her and I said, hey. And she goes, oh, Greg, how are you? Good to see you. That's not her accent. Dude, I don't do accents. I see. That's Dr. Ruth Westheimer you're doing. R.I.P. I think she's dead. It's like this. She's more like Zsa Zsa Gabor. And I felt bad because the second thing, I wasn't there to say hi. I was there to say hi.

That's my sister's seat. And it was just very awkward. And she goes, Greg, it's nice you haven't changed. That's what she says. It's nice that you haven't changed. But it was like, I go, hey, it's good to see you. It's good to see you. But that's my sister. And that's her seat. And it was like, I don't know why it was. Who cares why it was important? But anyway, but I felt bad. And then she said, hey, you have not. It's good you haven't changed. And she walked away.

But I had a strange dinner at her place with John Cusack, Meg Ryan and David Geffen in 20... That sounds like her crew. Yeah, 2004, maybe 2005. I'm surprised we never met. We met once. Like I said, that time we met. No, but I don't think I met you either. So I was with her.

I think it was with her and Andrew Breitbart. Now, OK, so it might have been. And then there might have been Coulter in the mix. Oh, my God. And it was an after party. Is that who you hang with? A real right wing crowd like that? I haven't. Yes, I know. I haven't seen Anne in ages. But who are the other people? So we went to Breitbart's dead, so I can't hang with him. But we went to...

We went, I think you had an after party. But anyway. I did? Yes. It was an after party for your show and you were there. I think I shaked your hand, but I'm not sure I did. Oh, well, if it was that. It was one of those things. No one can remember. Yeah. And it was like 20 years ago. Oh my God. Yeah, it is funny the way sometimes people are sort of around you. Yeah. And then, but you never quite meet. Yeah. You know?

But listen, you've made a big success of your show there. Thank you. I always say to people, you know, you may not love somebody's success, but you have to respect success. You know, I remember Paul Simon telling this story once on Bob Gossett's show where

He was, oh no, maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was some other musician who was in the band, was starting out. And I forget what song came on the radio, but it was a real bubblegum song. And they were all making fun of it. And he goes, shut up. We're not on the radio. They are. Yeah, exactly. You know, I mean, there's a lot of people who try and it's, you know, to make a success of something and it's...

So I'll take that as a compliment. Yeah. I mean, I'm not honestly, I can't watch other shows. I've never been able to. It's I think it's not a good idea when you're in the talk show business, but I know naked on that show, by the way, you should check it out because it's pretty amazing.

I'm sure that, you know, there used to be a show called the Robin bird. Oh, of course. You remember? Yeah. She was like a sex worker. It was like, yeah. When I first got to New York, they had like channel J. Yeah. It was fucked up on the cable box. You had a literal box in your house and there was a naked talk show. Yeah. And she, and she wasn't somebody that you want to be naked, but she was, she was naked nonetheless. Maybe that was the only thing you had because you were lazy. There was no set mom.

I wish I could remember like one second of that show. It must have been funny. But I think he was a hooker. But it was a weird channel. They had some other fucked up weird dudes on. It was a... Yeah. Yeah. But now that's all television. You know, all I can say is...

The future of America, if there is one, is just going to be like, I'm not sure exactly how much we disagree on things. Yeah. But I'm sure there's plenty of places where we do. And the future of America is where two people who disagree to those degrees still can just talk and not hate each other. Because like, you know, like I always say, you have so much more in common sometimes with somebody. Look at all these fucking things, these coincidences. And it's like...

Okay, you know, unless you're actually advocating that we, you know, gut the 1964 Civil Rights Act or we are cannibal or something, like whatever it is, you know, like, yeah, it's, I don't, this is more like how

When I was a kid, adults were. They didn't fucking get into each other's, like, religion or their politics. Yeah. They just, it's like, they kind of had a feeling from, like, the things a guy says. Politics should be like sports, where you can talk about your team just when your team's doing well, but you don't shit on the other team. Yeah.

Or it's just like, I seem to remember when I was a kid and my parents, I knew their friends. You know your parents' friends. And I knew what my parents thought of their friends. And they would, I feel like they would pick up on certain things that made them know, oh, this, you know, Uncle Paul is a little right wing. He was military and he's just not...

Didn't hate him. Yes. And didn't like go visit them in Maryland because Uncle Paul was, you know, voted for Nixon or whatever. It's like that. It's Jesus Christ. You just can't get everybody to be a carbon copy of you. Yeah, exactly. My thing. Yeah. Why are you getting so excited about this?

But I think it's to keep warm. Anyway, I know you flew here. Yeah. I came here just for you, buddy. That was, I know. I take that as a tremendous compliment. I really do. Can I take one last drag out of this? You can take it with you. I don't know. I don't know if the driver, who is an aspiring filmmaker, by the way. Just take it as a souvenir. I don't think you'll be okay with that. It's legal, bro. Okay. Oh, that was nice.