Paul Reiser | Club Random with Bill Maher
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Order at iRestoreLaser.com with promo code RANDOM. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Hair loss is frustrating. You don't have to fight it alone thanks to iRestore. Where can we see your special tights? It's on Al Jazeera. And you know what? I thought that was not at all a good match. I think you can believe yourself with that pressure. There's nobody waiting, nobody expecting you. Club Random.

So a singer and then you. They promised me Rich Scheidman. Hey, Billy. Yeah.

I've got Shelly Ackerman, and then unless Belzer comes in. And then it's D.F. Swidler and then you. No, well, and Richard T. Bear also might want to do, he says, just two songs, so it'll be five. One of them is in the Garden of Vida. So, nice digs. You bought the whole neighborhood. No, don't say things like that because... What do you do? You have five houses.

How many friends do you have? No, no. I'm a simple guy. I've got one house, one car, and one plane. A simple guy.

You're a man of simple needs. It's very beautiful. Well, I never got married, and I never had children, and I never had alimony, and I never had stupid hobbies. So the money piles up. That's it. And this is all from late-night weekends at Catch, you say? Wow. You really saved. Well, remember when we had the union fight? Yes, I do. And what did we end up with, $10 a night? Yeah. Well, is that what it was?

I think it was $10 and then $25 on the weekends, perhaps. Well...

For me, it was the perfect thing to write my novel about. I wrote a novel about... Which I enjoyed very much. You did? You wrote a true story? I did read it. Yeah. There's a big Michael Caine theme in there. Michael... Well, that's the thing, is that he was very pro-union and I was very anti. And it made a great sort of political spine for a novel about... I was just trying to show what it was really like, because I saw so many depictions in movies. And...

and everywhere where you can't describe what it's... You can't...

You know, Tom Hanks did it in that movie. I was about to say, Punchline. And that's Tom Hanks. He was good. He was great. But the story, you know, it's never going to be a 90-minute story. Well, I mean, I remember when he hung out at the Improv to learn what it was like to be a stand-up. What was the name of the movie? Punchline. Punchline, with Sally Field, I think, was the female. The Jersey Housewife became a... Okay. I mean...

Nobody's ever going to do it as an actor playing a comic better than Tom Hanks, but it still was not – it didn't tell us what the – so I said, I'm going to write a novel since I wasn't getting hired anywhere about this life and do it. And the political spine really was – I thought that we were in a situation where they're using us –

And not really paying us, but we're using them to get the stage time that we need. That it was kind of a fair bargain. And Mike Cain was more, this is a friend of ours. Not Michael Cain, the British actor. No, not the British actor. And, um...

You know, he was all the union, and I thought it was like, well, that's your excuse, because he was a great guy and a funny guy and a great raconteur, but he was never going to make it as a stand-up. And I thought he was using...

I'm a revolutionary as an excuse for failure. That's really the theme of the book. And the other guy, me, he thinks I'm just too ambitious and I'm willing to sell out. And I was like, yeah, I'm willing to sell out. I'm willing to like... Yeah, no, we were all grateful for having, you know, that chance to get on stage. Where else are you going to do it? And they were making a lot of money. They were making a ton of money. And so it seemed...

You know, maybe not unionable, but it was reasonable to say, pay the people who are, you know, sitting here. Yeah, there was a reasonable middle ground, which I'm sure we didn't hit. Or did we? No, no, you know, but. I felt like it went up from $3 to $25 or something. Three? I don't ever remember three. Three was cab fare. When I started, it was. Really? You got cab fare and a hamburger. If you worked that night, you got something from the kitchen.

I remember that. That's good. That's very nice. What is that? A little bourbon. A little bit that your lovely staff, when you got that. I used to drink bourbon. And now you don't.

So, no, I really, I... And now I don't, yeah. And now I don't. I remember that you could get food, you just come early, you didn't even have to work. My recollection is... Yes. Right, so we would all go, you know, sometimes guys, I remember Larry and Jerry going in the afternoon to get that burger. There was a kitchen about the size of this, these two chairs. It was just sweating guy, just angry. Yeah. Yeah.

You should have a crack team of people doing that for you. You know, it's so funny. I was thinking that.

And I said to myself, don't say it. Because people are, you know, no one is perfect. No, nobody's perfect. It makes you human. You just humanize yourself. But now that you mentioned it, you're exactly right. Somebody will be fired later. I will not do that. You have a guy who fires people. And this is, you know, I am... It does. It says Club Random on the glass. Look at you. Yeah. One reason I'm getting off the road after this weekend...

is because nobody just can do anything anymore. I don't want to lay this all on the feet of the last two generations, and yet I'm talking about hotels, everything, just anything. They just cannot get it together enough

And from what I've seen, except I must say my brilliant producer, Sheila, has a knack for hiring people of those generations who are hardworking. They never fuck up. That's why you're getting off the road because the guy in the room service was tardy? All of it is just a... Wow. That's not the only reason, but every time I'm on the road this year,

knowing that I'm not going to do it in 2025. I could go back. I don't know. But I feel like once you stop, every time I'm on the road, I turn to my great friend Mark, who's with me all the time, and I say, you know, I have mixed feelings about getting off the road, but

They're making it so easy for me to not want to do this because the TV doesn't work in the home. Really? You can't get the TV? This is the best hotel in town. You can't get the TV working? William Shatner was here a couple of weeks. He was saying the same thing. You don't find this? No. Well, you're lucky. No. Everybody does everything right on the road. No, but if I have slept...

And I'm not particularly cranky. I can roll with stuff. I do get... No, I mean, in a hotel, saying the TVs are working, there's always something stupid. You know, they go, oh, breakfast downstairs? And you go, oh, it's not breakfast. It's a box of cereal and an orange. And it's like... Okay. Yeah, so... It's a box of cereal. Yeah. But, you know, but...

Because I didn't do it for years. I didn't forget the road. I didn't even do stand-up for 20 years. And talk about a muscle. Now you've got a special. Now I've got a special with the first. Every 32 years, like clockwork, Bill. Like that. But you'll find, if you don't do it for a couple of months. Yul Brynner. He was good, too. Yul Brynner. Yeah.

No, I'm sorry. I missed... You said you'll find. You'll find. Wow. Wow. You'll find. You'll Brenner. Wow. Yeah, but it's so funny. Whenever I... I love the idea of going out, and then I look and I go, I don't want to get on a plane. I don't want to go there. Exactly. And then...

Without fail, every time I get on stage, I go, God, that was fun. Oh, I love that. Exactly. Of course. You understand. And I just, and after a mediocre set or a shitty trip, I go, I don't need this. I don't want to do it. And then I go, you know, I'll just go into a club and get one joke that works that I wrote yesterday. I went, love this. It's our version of likes.

Yeah. You know, this, what, right? Yes. This generation has likes. Like, they love to get liked about everything. I find it pathetic that everything you do has to get the approval of people who are probably actually plotting against you because there's such a bunch of vipers in that generation, always judgy and trying to cancel and trying to,

That whole social media thing is a snake bit. Pop, pop, it's time for your pills. Anyway, you could say that, but it's also true. I don't know. But yes. But I don't think we go down...

I don't think we work and we'll get laughs because we need the approval. I think the approval happens to be in the laugh. No, I'm talking about them. They need the approval. Right. I'm saying this is our version of that. This is our version of a like. But I feel like it's of greater value than your lunch, a picture of your lunch or something. We thought of something clever, which...

we think we can give to a bunch of strangers as a gift. Because what greater gift is there than making someone laugh? It's literally therapeutic. Yeah, but I don't think any of us got into, like, what can we do for these people? Do you know what I mean? I think we did it because we wanted, of course. We wanted the... And we still do. Yeah. But at this point, we're not doing it for the money. Right. We're doing it because we like that feeling of...

of I gave you this gift of laughter, which is why we hate it so much when they don't laugh because it's like, what are you talking about? This is a great gift. What's wrong with you people? You don't like this sweater? You know, I was talking to somebody about like, you know, did you ever have a tough night? Did you ever want to quit? And I go, no. And I remember in the early, early days, like, you know, maybe in the first year of doing it,

On a good night, something went well and you got a great response. You go, oh, fuck, this is the greatest thing. I can't wait to do it again. And then you go up on a night that for whatever reason it wasn't good. Either you were off, the audience was off, and it sucked. And my thought was, I can't wait to do this tomorrow and get this flavor out of my mouth. And I thought, I must be in the right place because good or bad is leading me towards...

I want to do this. I definitely wanted to do it again more after I did good. I'm not going to lie. Those nights, I'm talking about the early days when we were together every night at the clubs. Those nights where it went badly, I had a rough time because it sapped me of any desire to work on my act. I just couldn't face it. What I should have done is listen to the tape because I taped every set on my little tape recorder.

And I should have listened back right away. And I just couldn't get myself to face it. No, for sure. It is hard. Whereas if you have a tape and you go, oh, I want to hear that joke killed. Let me find that. And then I would write down it word for word how I said it. And it's amorphous. Totally. It's like writing it down doesn't do shit. It really doesn't. Sometimes it does. Because sometimes you have to say something in a certain order.

or it doesn't make sense, or it will not work. They'll get the idea, but there will be no laugh. Unless you mention A before B, you can't even get to C. No, my favorite discovery now is taking words out and going, oh, look at that. Take those two words out, and that's writing. I couldn't agree more. Erasing is writing. I was having that talk with Rich the other day, like,

When in doubt, take out. Don't add. Don't add. And I heard David Mamet say the same thing about directing. He said, the more I directed, the more I realized, like, every time I think I've taken out too much, take out a little more. The audience is always ahead of you. Mm-hmm.

And you see that in movies, you know, you have to do so little in movies to move the story. You can show a scene where a cup, a man and a woman just look at each other across the room and you just get their physical reactions. Cut to the wet. And we all know what happened. We saw the look and now they're married. We don't need him. We don't need to see the first date. Was your first...

I don't remember you coming in. I remember you suddenly being there in the clubs. Did you, like, audition night? Did you do... Oh, totally. When I was still in college, I remember, oh, my God, it was like in the summer. That's what I did. I was home, I think it was August of, I don't know, 77 or something. I was still at Cornell. Wow. And I, oh, my God, the guts to get, just to get into the city from New Jersey, you know, was like...

So I went in and I stood on line. And what time, now what time are you waiting on line? Cause this always, this memory, cause I remember going in like 2.30. Yeah, it was the day because here's what happened. I remember this. I wish I could remember this guy's name. He was kind to me. A black guy who took me up to Harlem in between the time, because there was like, we had to come back at,

like 10 o'clock at night to actually perform yeah if you look what am i going to do in the city yeah get a hotel room with the no money so who's the guy oh i don't know but he said you know he said come hang out with me another comic yeah he was also the guy online okay so another guy he was auditioning and so we went up to like 155th street or something and i got i was up just a place to hang it was great yeah that's so fun i forgot about that

I remember it would get earlier and earlier. They'd give out the numbers at 5 o'clock, and then before you know it, it's 3 o'clock. So you're taking the day off from work. I was working. And so you get in at 1 o'clock. You wait until 5 o'clock to give you a number. And if you didn't get in the top 10, you were 1 in the morning. You would get on at 1 in the morning. So that's your day, 14 hours to do 5 minutes.

I have the tape somewhere. I may have told you this. I found a cassette of my very first time in college, between freshman and sophomore year. And I had my little cassette recorder on the table. People didn't know that it was me. And I listened to the tape. In the middle of my five minutes, I hear the guy go to his friend, say this, this kid's got balls. Really? And I thought, that's a good review. That is a good review. He could have said, he's got no balls. But I had balls.

Like, he had the balls to go up with this shit material. Well, just to go up at all. Yes. You know, I mean, wow. I don't think I could do it today, nor should I have to. I mean, that's the passage of life. When you're young, you're just more moxie because you have to have it. And you protect... My analogy is sort of like, you know, babies can...

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If you haven't noticed already, I'm kind of busy. I have a TV show, I travel for stand-up, and I make this damn podcast. Then there's my needlepoint. Oh, gosh, I don't have time for one more endlessly time-consuming task like hiring.

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Well, it was not good. What you don't realize is that making your friends laugh or a classroom laugh of kids who know you is different than strangers. That's what you have to, that's the rude, to me, that was the rude smack in the face from the beginning. Yes. They're not your friends. And also the audacity, you think about it, to watch somebody who goes up, I'm going to be funny. It's like, well,

Don't presume that. We'll tell you if you're funny. But obviously that's not the issue now. You go and you're selling out a theater and people know you. They paid money because you don't have to... You still have to be funny, but you don't have to prove it. To me, one of the biggest changes...

that solved a problem that I never really solved when I had the problem was the opening line. Because when they don't know you, it sucks. When they do know you and they came and they bought a ticket specifically to see you, you don't have to explain yourself. You know, it's just... Yeah, they know you. You know, your opening line is, please stop applauding. Thank you so much. You know, it's like... There was a guy... We're going to have a great time. It's so natural. There was a guy at that time. Do you remember...

He went up and he was in a wheelchair. He had...

something, polio or something. Yeah. And had a great... It was like early 70s. Polio. Yeah, truly. He was, I mean, he was not a kid. Yeah, I do think he had... Right, I do remember this. Right? And the club is... I keep wanting to talk to the audience to explain it. The narrow... You had to go between chairs. It was tough for anybody to walk through the chairs. So now I get a wheelchair and there's three guys carrying my chair and the audience is uncomfortable. The audience can't... And he just...

They leave. He's alone, and the audience is so uncomfortable. He waits a minute, and he goes, did you notice the chair? I go, Jesus Christ. I said, that's what an opening line should do. Just like, I know what to think, and let me pop it, and then we can move. That's my example. It reminds me of Marjorie Gross' opening line. Do you remember that? No. I remember Marjorie. What was the line? Don't you hate what humidity does to straight blonde hair? I don't remember.

And I thought, wow, I wish I could have a, I never could figure out the first line. So like, I never got that good one or. Yeah, it's hard. Steve Middleman, have you noticed? I don't have a chin. Yeah, it's the same thing. I mean, you're into it. Yeah, I know what you think. But they appreciate audiences. If that line serves to say, I know what you're thinking and I'm with you. Yeah.

Or that we're just starting, we're laughing already. Yes. And, okay, like some people say, do you ever bomb? It's like, only if you're oblivious. Because even if your material's not working, but you acknowledge that, and you go, all right, that didn't work. Then they go, okay, he's not an idiot. He knows. So just being on the same wavelength. You remember Leno's opening line? No. See the paper? See the paper? What can't you get to from that? Muhammad Ali? Yeah. Well, that...

Right. Yeah, this is when Muhammad Ali was fighting just way below his... But it could be any story. Yeah, see the papers today? See the papers? Yeah, Muhammad Ali's coming at her. His great segue. It's the same with insurance. What is? What is the same with insurance? By the time you realize there was no connection, he's in three jokes in. But, you know, you were a much more mature person, and probably still are, than me. When we started, we had dinner a couple of years ago, and we went over this. We don't have to go through it for the people. Go through it.

I sense a compliment at the end of it. So take your time. Well, there's a compliment right there. You were a more mature and probably still. I don't remember being mature. Yes, you were. Yes, you were quite mature. And I was not. And just obnoxious. I had yet to learn that not everything is subservient to getting a laugh. No.

including insulting people. On stage, you mean? Or off stage, or whatever. And in my mind, it was like, I'm at a roast, and everybody knows these are just jokes. And of course, you're not. You're in life. But when you're in that era when we were willing to stand on line in the sidewalk and do all that shit. In the summer. And then that was just the beginning of the heartache for the years when you got no laughs or just couldn't even get on. But I mean...

That thing that we wanted, you know, that feeling was such a magnet, you know, that we could not resist. You know, you would just keep going forward even with all the pain and the heartache. And what was really in our favor is that we had this system that...

And rightly or wrongly, we thought, here's what you do. Go to these places, and then you'll end up on The Tonight Show. Not sure how that works, but we saw enough people coming out of there. And it was true. And it was true. If you went the different stages. Yes. And I remember, you know, like sometimes you get inspired by greatness. You see somebody great, and you go, wow, okay, I want to try and reach for that. Right.

And often you get inspired by mediocrity. And I remember being in the summer and seeing a guy go up who was like, you know, getting on. He was sort of the headline or a big star, big shot of the club.

But it was just okay. And then I'd go to school, you know, and then like eight months later, I'm watching The Tonight Show, and that guy is on. And I remember the moment going, wait a second. Like who? Well, I don't want to say it, but David Say. David Say. Remember David Say? It was like, he was fine. And then I go, oh, and I was on The Tonight Show.

And the only thing he did, he just probably went up every night for the last eight months. And it suddenly became... Well, it was also a case of what he did in a nightclub was not as explosively funny or as successful in a nightclub as...

you know, some more flamboyant act, but it was perfect for TV. Perfect for Johnny. For the people who came to the clubs to, you know, the comic scouts who came out like pigs sniffling for truffles. But I certainly don't want to sound like I was dispatching anybody. He had a great career, but I remember thinking like, okay, he was still formative. He was still...

working it out and it's less than a year and he's on a Tonight Show and I remember thinking, oh, that's not out of reach. I could do that. I mean, I'm not there yet but if I just did what he did and I go and that's the thing that really

moved me and warmed me when I had not worked really for 20 years. I didn't do stand-up. And when I went back and started doing it, it felt exactly the same as I did when I was 18. And I realized there's no shortcut. The only possible way to get better is to go up every fucking night or as many nights as you can.

And just carve it and work it. And you're working the jokes, you're working the material, but you're also working your, for me anyway, I mean, I think your personality is pretty established, but I felt like I had to re-find my...

Who are you? Right. You know? And I remember when I would go back, it's like, oh, now you've been on TV. Oh, we know this guy, which lasts eight seconds. And then it's like, what did you want to say? Yeah, that's the part I don't have. That's with anybody. Right. It's with any comic. But it was comforting to me to see that it's so low tech. It's just elbow grease and hard work. It's almost the last low tech thing. As far as I can tell. Yeah. Yeah. Or certainly of the things I can do.

Well, that you can do in show business. I mean, it is maybe the last thing that looks like that. And the audience doesn't really want that to change. I mean, you can... People have tried to do different little things. I mean, Chris Rock, and I love him for the... You know, the...

of let's try something different. I always love to see people do that. But it was not a good idea. He shot a special, taped it in three different cities, I think on three different continents, and then spliced them together like the beginning of the joke was in London and then you'd cut to the punchline. That was really interesting. But not right for comedy. It's jarring, but it was certainly revealing of how skilled and precise comedy

his craft was. I was like, Oh, his arm was in the right exact, you know, like it didn't add anything. It just made it just like, I don't know if it added, it didn't add to the comedy, but it was impressive away from it. It's like, we were, we want to be in the illusion that this is a guy who's just spilling off the top of his head. He's just talking to us. And, and we've all had the experience when we were young comics and brought girls around to see us. And they saw the, the,

First time we did the set and they were blown away. And then they come the second time and they're like, oh, you told a lot of those jokes before. I thought you were a genius. You're not that clever at all. And the Chris Rock thing just blew that right out of the water. Again, interesting, interesting idea. And I think he would probably say the same thing.

It was an interesting experiment. But, you know, it's like Woody Allen movies. Like, some of them are not great, but, like, he tries to push the envelope. He's like, he's an experimenter. Those are the people I admire the most. It's so funny, because I think of Woody Allen movies as not particularly experimental. I mean, but almost like that's what he does. And, like...

I'm going to wear the same pants for 40 years. I'm going to wear the same sweater. I'm going to make the same movies. You know, I remember I did this little off-Broadway play that he wrote and directed, which was 20 years ago. He directed you? He directed it. Wow. It was really, really fun. How was he to work with? It was a thrill. This is before you know anything, you know, unsavory. You just go, it's fucking Woody Allen. That's more than 20 years ago. No, 2003. That's 10 years after the unsavory. I didn't know about it, though.

I'm sure you did. No. Yes. Oh, you're talking about the... Yes. Sunni was 93. Yeah. Half the people wrote him off just for that. Yeah. I write him off for nothing. I love him and think what's happened to him is a...

It's just a ridiculous travesty of justice and says everything about the witch-hunty atmosphere that can obtain on the left. I wrote a thing. There's a little – I forget what the – oh, you did one. It's called Kindle, those little Kindle books. Or Amazon. They're like mini books, like 10,000-word things. And I did one. It was on Amazon. And it was just people that I've met who I've admired, who I've worked with, from whom I've learned something.

And so I was, and I'd gotten to work with Mel Brooks and Carol Burnett and I always learned something from each of them. And I had a thing in there on Woody Allen. That's a great idea for him. It was, yeah, it was called How Do I Get to Carnegie Hall? It was the name of it. And I remember, and I had a thing, this is, I forget, it was at least 15 years ago.

And I had a thing in there about Bill Cosby, and the editor goes, you can't put that in now. And I know why. I know what you mean. But this is pre that, and this is – and then I said, well, and here's another story about Woody Allen. He goes, I don't think we can include that. I went, Jesus, I hope Mel Brooks doesn't get caught with a Boy Scout in a motel room because I got a beautiful story. Yeah.

Now it's a race. Now it's a race. Just so you did take it out? Yeah, I didn't include the Woody story. You didn't want to fight for Woody? No, I didn't want to fight for me. No, it wasn't that gold. It wasn't that important to me either way. But what I remember, and it was very warming, you'll appreciate this as a comment, it was a 99-seat theater. It was two one-act plays. I was just in the first one. And it was a

two-hander mostly. It was third actors, but it was mostly two-hander. And, um...

About a month of rehearsals and previews, maybe six weeks. And that was the best time. And we'd go, and we'd do the thing, and then afterwards he'd come back with notes. And he's... And the minute the show opened, he stopped coming. Well, this is no fun now. I'm getting $200 a week. Literally? Yeah, whatever scale is for equity. Yeah, it was like my room service, it barely made a dent in room service. So...

But it was great fun. But the fun of it was getting notes from Woody. And I remember one night he comes back and goes, that line, I don't know why that worked yesterday, but why didn't it work today? And I went, are you new? What do you mean? He goes, why did it work yesterday? I said, because I fucked it up. I said some whatever. But I thought...

You know, he's at that point in his 70s. You said that to him? Yeah, yeah. Did he laugh? Yeah. You should. That's funny. You're in his 70s, and he's still chasing that shadow of like, but why did it not work? I went, oh, that's why this is exciting. And I thought I was heartened that like, oh, he's still trying to figure it out. Yeah. I mean, because I would certainly ask the same question. And there are times in stand-up when we do that, when we do the line. And you think it's the same thing.

And you just, sometimes you never get what I used to call the virgin take. Like the first time you say it, sometimes it's just ad-libbing it. Yeah. Or riffing on something. And why did it have that power and it worked? And then you just, because again, it is so precise. I mean, one thing I've always liked about doing, being on the road and having an act is that it was like my hobby of like, you know, building a little wooden ship inside of a bottle. I was always tinkering with,

to get it perfect. And you're right. Sometimes it's like a clitoris. It's just never in the same place for more than a minute. And that's just what it is. It's true. It's always moving around. I'm going to try and shake that image now. It's a delightful image. It's distracting.

Hopefully it's distracting. If it's not, it's a shitty clitoris. By the way, I want you to know that. I saw that with the film one. Is that where you were going? Basically, slightly off the door. I was going to say, I don't know why, but that's exactly the right line.

Two nights only. Shitty Quator. I saw a pulper for Julie Budd years ago. I think I was going to say I knew a stripper name. There you go. That'll work. Shitty Quator. It is a very good name. But see, going back to talking about editing, it's like I feel so...

and successful when I've cut out two words and now the joke is tight. Exactly. But then the next night, I'll go, well, now it's working. Let me see if I can add something to it. It's like, okay, and so it's always shifting. Getting it ever tighter. I mean, there's two things I like tight, and one is a shitty clitoris and the other thing is my act. It's a bit, yes. So we'll be back right after these words from Lavoris. Del Monte. Del Monte's frozen peas.

So where can we see your special? It's on Al Jazeera. And you know what? I thought that was not at all a good match.

Ouch. It is on any way you can buy or rent stuff, they tell me. I would love to say it's on Netflix. People know what that means. But it's on like Amazon or Apple. Just rent it. My sister called me. She goes, I have to rent your show. Wait, you can see something on both Amazon and Apple? Aren't they bitter rivals? No. When it's transactional, no. Okay.

This thing probably could be, you know, both. And here I am talking about it that way. But I'm not the business. I don't know where this is. I've never seen this. I'm not the business. I see clips of this. And people go, where'd you see it? I go, I don't know. It just came up. I have, I'm on Instagram, but I don't know how to navigate it. So whatever comes up, I look at. I've never searched for something. People go, you know, I sent you a thing. I go, I don't know how to do it back. I don't want to do it.

I didn't want to do it. Somebody told me to. So I did. But I'm inactive. Because I go, who wants to see the tuna melt that I had Wednesday? This is a beautiful tuna melt. No, I mean, and this is, again, apropos of what you said before, where they're saying, Pop, you need your pills or something. And you can make all the AIDS jokes in the world you want. But something can also just be true. So why don't we engage with the actual idea instead of just making judgments? Yeah.

And is it healthy? Is it a great use of time? I could, I think, make easily the argument it is not. It is a time suck. Instagram. Yes, all of it, most of it. It's a time suck.

And it's why no one reads a book anymore. So do I have to pretend that that's a good thing because I'm 68 years old? That, oh, you know, I don't want to sound... That's so much of the problems on the left, I think, is that, oh, I want to be with the young and sound young. Yeah, but the young are dumber a lot. They're stupider. So why do you want to do that? Why don't you embrace, why don't you lean into what actually could be working for you? Yeah, we're not as cute as we used to be, but we're smarter, or we should be, and wiser.

You hate young people. You don't like the... Oh, please. If anyone is with young people, it's me, not you. What? Oh, that's actually with young people.

What do you think I mean? Go finish your thought. That is my thought. I've had four. I mean, I never got married is what I'm saying. I'm well aware. So I'm very, I love those people. And I'm here because I got a girl for you. I got a cousin. I hang out with lots of Gen Z and millennials and like usually that generation, yes, they're shit. But when there's a good one, they're the best. Yes. They are the best. They got me through the pandemic when the kids my age wouldn't come out to play. And my millennial friends...

And I just, you know, if you never got married, you're just more in their kind of milieu, even though some of them... You're out in the world more. You're out in the world more, and you're just, it's just different. See, now, is it, I don't love going out. This was an effort to come here today. Really? Well, I was looking forward, and I was delighted to be invited, and I was happy to see you. It's going well, don't you think? A lot of this is going to be cut. Yeah.

You can make a lovely five-minute spot. Well, I'm having the time of my life. I am too. This is like the greatest thing that's done podcasting has done for me. Whatever the money, I don't know. Because it's like having friends over, but you're monetizing. Well, it's the holidays when everyone is standing under the mistletoe looking for a big sloppy kiss.

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It's not even monetizing. It's like, would we do it otherwise? We went to dinner and that was fun. This is much better because I'm stoned. It took, you know, 20 years to find a time to do it. But like everything I do that I really enjoy doing, I want to do stoned. And it's only a few things in life. But like talking to you is definitely one of them. And like we just wouldn't do it if there wasn't like a job opportunity.

This is true. We're such fucking money whores. This is, well, no. Well, this was, this is, but you found a little niche. It's like, I'm going to have friends over, people that I want to talk to and have a drink. Yeah, they're not always even people I've ever met, but they're just fun to talk to somebody. I mean, Jane Fonda had no David Say stories. Am I correct? Right.

Yeah. David Say, by the way, I looked up to. First of all, he did have a killer first, like, five or six. Yes, he did. You know, he understood very well that sort of a Tonight Show spot, which was the sunum bonum of show business for us, was...

Wasn't that Cher's husband, Sunam Bono? Five to six minute. Yeah. Clean, clean. Okay, we're talking about the 1980s here. Clean. Five or six minutes that was clever and would make Johnny go, that is all relatable stuff. That's...

Remember? Clever, clever stuff. He had a line. He goes, yeah, sort of commercial. He always had a little tough guy air to him. Well, he had the accent. The Brooklyn. The Bronx guy. And it was like, so they had the...

Do you have a problem with alcohol? Call 726-3545. It's Carlisle's Liquors. I remember that. Carlisle was such a great choice. I remember that. But you know what? I remember, and this is such, this is the stuff of the comedy club that you were talking about before that maybe doesn't lend itself to a movie. I remember, you know, comics,

are not really competitive. People are like, oh, competitive. I said, no, we were never. We were always supportive. Well, I mean... Both. Yeah, you can be envious. Wow, he got that. I want that. But I always thought, you know, actors, 17 of you go up for the role. Only one will get it. But a new club opens, you'll all go if you're good enough. You're there next week. I'm there next week. There's room for everybody. But we would often go over to somebody and go, hey, I got a line for you. Or go, hey, you know... Yes. Right? And I remember...

If it wouldn't work for us, we'd give it away if it wasn't something you could do. Yeah, but I don't know. Shower water doesn't get in your pussy. I mean, I thought of that. I did that first, and it didn't work for me. It was always my other thing. If two guys had the same bit, all right, listen, you can do it in New York, but I can take it on the road. Yeah, I remember that. That was like the Yalta conference. Here's how we'll settle this. But I remember he was getting ready for a Tonight Show.

And I had not even a line. I had maybe two words to add or a little twist on a line. He went, yeah, that's good. Thanks. And then I saw him do it on The Tonight Show. My two words, whatever it was. And I remember that being so a moment for me. It's like,

I said it to him here and it came out there. It was more proof to like, yeah, so this does lead to that. That's great. And I remember it was almost more impressive than for me, more exciting for me than when I actually did this. And I chose like, cause I was so green and I gave him a line that ended up on television. Right. Yeah. I mean, most anybody's talked about him in a long time. Yeah. It was great. I mean,

He had this, by the way, he is one of the comics who sort of is a character in that book, True Story, that I wrote, the novel. The people who were

everyone has said to me over the years, like, is this one, this one, this, no, it's not people you would know. And sometimes it's not the people who you would think would make the better characters because they were, got more famous. It's the people who were interesting characters. And David say, I combined with some other comic we would know to make one of the characters, because what was so interesting to me about David say was he was like this ultimate pussy hound. And he lived in, uh,

an apartment in like... Riverside. Riverside. Yeah. Where is that? Like the Bronx? No, Riverside is here. Riverdale. Riverdale. Somewhere. Okay. In the Bronx, yeah. With his wife who he was divorced from. Oh, I didn't know that. They were divorced and had a son and still live together.

But he was just all about the pussy. Everything on the road. I remember him once saying to me, he said, yeah, STDs, I just don't get those kind of things. And apparently he didn't. And I remember him telling me, and I think I put it in the character in the book, that he was always so hot for his wife after he got home from the road when he fucked some stranger. Sure. That's the healthiest thing for a relationship. Yeah.

So this is who I idolized. That's in my new book, How to Improve Your Marriage. Fuck someone on the road, come straight home.

Well, I was 22. This to me was like, he was about 10 years old. But the clubs were full of guys who would never have gotten laid as much as they did, if not for the fact that you were on stage. I never found it to, I mean, it certainly was not any cathode in the pussy beaker for me to be a comedian. I don't, you know, I think I was so self-sabotaging with women in so many ways in my 20s that...

Yeah, sometimes. I mean, first of all, yes, girls do like to laugh. But again, that thing I told you before about everything in service, I'm just getting the laugh, that didn't work well with women who were sensitive to begin with. True. But what it did is if you went on stage...

And someone came over, a woman came over to you afterwards. You were already in. It's like, because like, you don't have to be cute. I was like, I've been looking at you. I already know you. And I'm talking to you. But they didn't. That didn't happen. I don't remember. Let me make a call. Because there's no reason you shouldn't have met girls. It's never too late, Bill. I'm not saying I never met girls. But I don't feel like they made the big, again, because I probably,

Well, I've always scared people a little. I don't know why. Do you know that you are still a reference point in my marriage? Oh, of course. I'll tell it or you tell it. You tell it because I want to see how you tell it. It's not a piece of material. But we talked about for a bunch of reasons that we've never figured out. I've been with my lovely wife Paula for 42 years now. Married for 36 or something.

For reasons we never understood, we met when I was a comedian in a club in Pittsburgh. She was a waitress. And for reasons we never understood, the owners, these two knucklehead brothers, were...

telling her, oh, you're going to like this guy, Paul. I'd never been there and they never met me. And they were telling me when they picked me up at the airport, he goes, we've got a lot of nice waitresses. One you're going to like. I went, oh, I get it. He goes, no, no, she's not like that. And he was sort of making this match so that when we met the next day, she wasn't there the first night. We both were kind of like, oh, I've heard so much. And that was it. So cut to

We're going out immediately. And months later, you're there. And I said, oh, Bill's a friend of mine. Go say hi. And she went over to you and said, hi, I'm Paula. I'm Paul Reiser's girlfriend. And you went, oh, sure you are, sweetheart. Like it.

No, no. That was how she remembered it. I knew you would fuck up how the retelling of the crux of it. It's my marriage. You know how you do it. By the way, I'll do your version. Because you quoted me, and I can quote me better than you can quote me. I didn't say, sure you were.

That is the essence. I understand why you got there. Wow. I love it. Love it. Go. But it was more elaborate than that. It was not sure you are. It was, yes, if you wanted to boil it down to the... Do, do, do, do. You're talking story now. But what I...

I remember having a conversation where I was just saying, you know, look, I'm in the clubs all the time. We're at this place with a lot of clubs opening, you know, comics. You know, it's a common thing. They were around the waitress and they go out. I was just trying to...

alerted to the fact that it might not go somewhere. It might not really be as serious as you think, which is hysterically funny because of irony and the fact that it's such a great, successful marriage all these years later. And Larry Miller's not. I guess what I'm saying is, however you tell the story, I'm the asshole. No, no. And I love that. No, you're not the asshole. But you were speaking to a truth. It's like, oh, here's this sweet young woman. I was really trying to do a mitzvah. Yes.

I was. Yes. And yes. It's like, oh, it's not all. Yeah. And yeah, it's such a much more fundamental question that I think I would love to know the answer. Maybe you don't even know it. But what is it? I mean, the way you describe this of these two different people who sort of independently thought you two would go well together.

It was one of the two brothers. I don't know that they were both involved. You said one said you'd like her and one said she'd like... No, but I remember... I don't know that. Actually, I remember the guy, one who said to me, and I think it was the same guy who told her. But my question is... I don't know. What qualities... I don't know. ...did they see in both of you that made them think, oh, these people would be right to go? You know, I remember, you know, literally this knucklehead, and it was a shitty club.

And where they put you up in their apartment. And I remember this is like the lowest, like, you know, because comics, like sometimes you get a hotel. Otherwise, there's a, sometimes they have a comedian condo. Oh. This was not, this was one step below that. This was their fucking thing. Literally, here's what I came, oh, you'll be staying with us. And like, this was so, I didn't have the confidence or the wherewithal to go, yeah, no, no, this is not going to work. I'm going to be in a hotel. Yeah.

stay in his bed. It was a waterbed and he was in it. And when I get there and they go, uh, whatever his name was, Jeff, I think it was something Keith. He goes, it was Paul. They go, Oh, how you doing? And he gets up and he's in underwear with a copy of penthouse and he gets up and the waterbed is yours. And we're like, Oh no. And yeah, that's where I was for three nights. Yeah. See, that's the kind of thing that I put in the book that I thought that

You'd have to live this life. Yes. If you really want to know what it was like for us, read True Story because I lived it. It was a good book. It was a really, I remember. Well, it just was first, you know, I never tried to write another novel because it's like, no, novelists have one good book in them. It's like about their formative years usually and then they rewrite the same theme their whole career. I don't know that that's true.

What? I don't know that that's necessarily true. The old novelists? How many novelists can you name that have, like, more than one or two great books? Murakami. Who? Murakami. God bless you. John Boyne. You ever heard of John Boyne? No. Jesus Christ. All right. Whatever your point is. Fine. Whatever. No, no. You're probably right because I don't even know who these people are. All right. So I guess. Well, you live in the back.

Do you know that joke? That was my parents' joke. There was a radio show. So you still read novels? Not still. Newly. I newly discovered. I didn't read for years. I used to even do a bit about how I can't read. And I certainly, if I did read, it would be like current events. You didn't read. You didn't do stand-up. What the fuck were you doing? So...

But in the last two years, I've just suddenly gotten really into reading. And a lot of it is because I don't have to watch the news. I'm just burying my head in the sand. And a lot of times I need more sand. There's not a lot of sand. And so I've been enjoying reading novels. But only up to like two years ago, I used to do a bit about how I can't read. And if I could read, when I do read, it's only nonfiction.

I said, because fiction, I said, wait a second, I can barely hold on to what's happening. Did this shit happen? Don't make up new shit. Because I can only have this much. But now I only want fiction because I've seen what's. And how did you. And so you're saying, oh, I haven't read in 20 years and I'm going to start with. Murakami? Yamamoko or whatever. Who is it? Why did you start with? I didn't start. Well, how did you know about.

Because he's written like 90, him, Guy, and I forget his first name, forgotten his first name. He's written like 40 novels and he's very, he's sort of like the Kurt Vonnegut of this moment, like young people, oh, a new Murakami book is coming out. Check it out. I always am happy to learn. I'm always happy to say I don't know. I am happy to introduce him to you.

Or is there, are his books long? Some. Some. Actually, you know, maybe start with his nonfiction. He wrote a great book called Novelist as a Vocation. And it's about writing. I think everything is too long. What? Like this? This watered down to a lovely seven minute spot. You know, when you take out the fat, you'll see this really, this really sings.

By the way, why aren't all interviews with bourbon? Yeah, I mean, you keep making jokes, but this is like better than all my Tonight Show's put together. There's something about really...

I mean, I really worked hard to make this as close to what we would actually be like if we weren't doing a podcast. It is. And it is exactly. It is exactly. I love that you have something like 47 cameras. It's two guys. It might be overkill, but I salute you. You know what? Better too many than too few. Yes. Better to have a camera and not need one than need one and not have one.

You know, that's how I live. I live by that statement alone. What do you make of these people who do everything on camera? You know who in our era did everything on camera? Two people. Hitler was filmed a lot. Yeah, he did like a lens. You have also. I never, ever went there when it wasn't filmed. I was never stepped foot in the Playboy. I was never invited. Why?

Really? I was not. Well, you were single and successful. I was never in that scene. I don't enjoy a party. I love this. I love breaking down one-on-one, sometimes two, three people. A party scene is like it's just constant broken conversations. If you think what's the best moment of a party, it's like, oh, when you stole something.

You got into a nice conversation with one person, but the general vibe of... But sometimes it's like so many interesting people... But then I feel like, oh, oh, oh, I can't keep all the plates spinning. I'd rather... You don't have to keep them spinning. I mean, you could stop one conversation, say goodbye, and then have another one. I mean, like if you talk to Harvey Keitel for five minutes and then talk to another person, he's not going to shoot you.

I'll try it. I'll try it. I remember walking away and talking to another comic at the improv, which I used to hate. I think I set the record for the shortest amount of time from doing a set at the improv and getting the fuck out. The hang, I found soul depleting. And I remember once I was talking to another comic and I made some ham-fisted excuse. He goes, you

You don't need an excuse. You don't have to go, I got to get a tomato juice. I'm like, just walk away. You don't need a... Wow. See, this is interesting because I always thought of you as a very social creature. I am, but I can be. And I have that skill. But more and more, I find it depleting. And I love solitude.

And I love being... I do too. And I love... And I have, you know, with my wife, we can have great time. And with certain select friends, go, that was really good. But a part of it is because I am social and, you know, and a pleaser, that I try... Like, a nightmare for me is if we'll have...

an occasional party at my house and I go, I got to make sure everybody's having a good time. It's like, right. No, I agree. When you're a host of a party, it's like playing a football game. When you're done with it, you feel like you just played football. It's very exhausting mentally and physically. Well, if you're doing it right. Yeah. I mean, if you're Puff Daddy and you're just jerking off while everybody else gets the lube on them and goes at it,

Jerking off. No, I'm making notes. What? I'm just saying, at the freak-off, you know, I don't think it's a good host to sit in the corner and masturbate. I have always been against that. Exactly. I mean, I've had many parties here, some in this very room. I mean, big star, Barbra Streisand, has been in this room. Okay, I didn't sit in the corner and jerk off and watch them, although it was interesting and it would have been fine to do that. I don't think it's any good. I would imagine...

That if Barbra Streisand saw you in a corner jerking off, she would be not enthralled. And rightly so. And rightly so. Because it means you're being a bad host. Well, you know, people who need people, if you know what I'm saying. Kids, that's one of your signature songs. Bill needs some people. Look at him alone in a corner whacking himself. I just watched for, I don't know, probably the fifth time, The Way We Were.

To prep for this? With me? That's so sweet. No, no, no. I'm not in it. But it's actually apropos to what we're talking about, the political spine of true story being about someone who thinks that people are being...

you know a little too self-righteous and a little too um i'm for the cause when really the cause is them versus people who are accused of being sort of um machiavellian um and i i he did accuse me of that in those days and that's sort of what the way we were is about she's always for the cause

and they have that great speech in there where he's like, you know, why are we doing this? People, I mean, he just got punched because she's in Washington testifying. Why are we doing this? People are going to get hurt. And for what? In 10 years, some fascist director will make a movie with some capitalist producer and they'll do it. They'll make the movie together. They'll play tennis together. They'll make passes at each other's wife. And what did anybody ever die for?

People, people are more important than their principles. And she goes, Hubble, people are their principle. And, you know, that was him. What made you watch the movie again? Because she was coming? Because I was showing it to somebody, somebody dear to me who I like to expose to movies. It was a beautiful movie. That she has not seen before. Because she's 11. I didn't mean to.

And she had not seen Kodachrome. I watched that not long ago. It's just so great. It's beautiful. It's got scale and scope. And yeah, it was great. It's amazing what the kids like. What have you seen lately that you said, that's a great film?

Great question. And I do see them. And then, like, name some things. You know what? I just saw the, I wouldn't say it was great, but I loved every minute of it. And I was not prepared to, was Jesse Eisenberg and Kieran Culkin in Sasquatch.

A Real Pain. Jesse Eisenberg directed, wrote it. Two Cousins. Oh, I read about it, yeah. Beautifully shot. Beautifully done. Oh, I'm a big Jesse Eisenberg fan. Oh, fuck. You'll be thrilled. And we're just like, wow, every shot is beautiful. It's a lovely story. No, and I know him. He's a great guy. Obviously a smart guy. So smart. And to your point about in film, you don't have to spell everything out. I kept watching, going, where's he going to go with the script? I went, oh, he

He just actually let us sit with it. He didn't jam it down a throat. I was very impressed. I thought it was a really beautiful film. I remember years ago, I think we were at a Met game or something. And I mean, this has to be like 10 years ago. It was right after Twilight. Or no, no, it must be a little more after that. But he had done four movies with Kirsten Stewart.

And I said, you know, why so many movies with this? He said, I think she feels safe with me. And I said, boy, you tell her. If she ever got with me, she would not feel safe. No. I don't feel safe right now. And then, of course, she became completely gay. And I was like, I mean, I didn't think I was going to be able to. But I always thought she was so attractive. And some people, some guys did not. They thought she was like. Christians do. Yeah. They thought she was, you know, she's not a bombshell type.

But you're talking about like she's 97. She's 30. Oh, it's still beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, she's, you know. Don't sell yourself short, but you got a shot. No. By the way, if this was later in the party, I would do this. No. And I would ask you, how's the egg rolls? But I wouldn't because you know what? It's not the kind of comedy I do. Yeah.

You know the jokes. I don't do ethnic jokes. You know the ones. Who said that? I know every bad comic. You know the ones that I don't do. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, man. I can still remember so many people's lines. Oh, yeah. Because we saw them every single night. I remember when we started...

And Dave David Say and Bellzer and Elaine Boosler was, you know, taking off. And she was great. And she was just great every night. And I knew her years ago. I didn't see her. And we sort of became friends a few years ago. We were doing some charity event together. We had lunch. And I said, you have no idea how much I used to sit and watch your set. And I said, remember this line? You had a great line, blah, blah, blah. And she went, no.

Never heard of it. And I would do six or seven of her lines that she had no recollection of. Why do I remember this 45 years later? And it meant nothing to her. But she didn't work in New York. We didn't start with Elaine Boosler. I did. No, you didn't. I was a few years ahead of you. But she was on the West Coast. When I started...

74, 5, 6, a couple of years ahead of you. Oh, you started in 74? Yeah, it was my audition night. But I didn't start hanging out in earnest until 77. But when I would come in on audition night and I'd watch and she was there and 75, she was already like doing Merv Griffin, doing The Tonight Show. Right. But she would sweep in and she was clearly on her way. Yeah. But enough for me to go, wow, she was just...

Talk about tight. Her writing was so... Hey. What? Her jokes were so well-crafted. No, I remember seeing her out here when I drove across country when I was 21 with my college roommate in an $800 car.

and selling hash along the way. That's always smart. Literally sleeping in college dorms that we just crashed. What could go wrong there? I know. But we got to the West Coast, and I remember seeing her at the comedy store at West. They had a comedy store. Westwood. Was it in West? Well, comedy store is... Whatever. I mean, I remember just watching. I was like, wow, I'm in this... For just being in a comedy club at 21. But it was actually her, an interview where she talked about

You know, you have to write every day. And by the way, writing includes taking two words out of a joke. And I went, oh, that's the smartest thing I've ever heard. So, I mean, when we talked about that before, I realized I got that idea from reading an interview with her. Sometimes it's funny how you can...

One little line or one twist on a joke makes you go, they've got it. No, that's it. They've got it. Because they never have much when they start because, at least on my show, it's just not like other shows. And so there's a very steep, long learning curve. You cannot expect them to be good even in the first half.

few years. So what do you spot? Just a funny mind. You know, somebody who thinks funny. Sometimes somebody who like has a great encyclopedic knowledge of politics and history, which is very rare these days. People just, especially younger ones. I'm always looking for, I'm always looking to get younger and femaler and more diverse and

It's always got to be about merit. I learned this on the casting side of things. The important lesson is that as an actor, you go in and you're nervous and you just hope they like me. And I've been on the other side where producing, it's like people coming in auditioning,

You want everyone to be great. It's like, I would be, nothing would make me happier than you. Could you be the guy? And we were done with this bullshit. Like, you want somebody to come in and be like, yes, you had one line. That's all I need. That's a funny mind. Give me that guy. Whenever actor, young actors, types, actresses, whatever, have asked me, you know, advice about that, that's the one thing I always say. It's like, just remember, when you're auditioning,

They're more nervous than you. They have a problem to solve that they want you to solve. But they've seen other people and their problem is not getting solved. So you'd like you to be the guy. They would kill for you to be the, you know. Yes, yes. Answer their problems. Yeah. And it is a problem. Yeah. That's so funny. So when you spot, so it's a funny mind. Have you ever hired somebody on like one joke? Well, I don't know. Maybe. I mean...

Probably not one, but yeah, maybe. I mean, just also it's amazing how much indoctrination goes on on the left so that like

When I read samples from people each year to see what's out there, they'll all be writing about, because it's a topical show, about maybe it was something that was going on three weeks ago and whatever the story is. And it's amazing the way the point of view from...

12 out of 13 people will be identical. And it will not always be my point of view. And it will just be the, it's, you know what it is? It's the late night guy's point of view because they all have the same basic point of view about politics, which we don't have to get into specifics. But I don't always have that, you know? And that's what I see in their right. They've been watching too much TV. Yeah.

They're too indoctrinated into just the liberal bubble, whereas I'm always seeing something different.

different, I think, and seeing a much broader picture than they are willing to go there. They understand how this town works, and they watch that a lot, and they're kind of just locked into that. And when I see somebody who is not that, who is just willing to see everything for whatever it is, and is not ideologically captured by one side, just wants to see and identify what's true,

that person will go a long way to impress me. But it says a lot to me that I don't see it a lot.

Like it's a very cookie cutter, exact same point of view. The jokes might be different, but the point of view in it is the same. And are you reading it off of printed? Yeah, there's, you know, they submit and then, you know, I read, they write some rules, they write and they take a stab at an editorial, which is usually comically inept. It's amazing. You watch the show and you know this, and this is still what you think would actually come out of my mouth.

I mean, it's, yeah, it's hard to find, you know, I mean, you still keep in touch. I remember. You write every word of your own standup. You do. You ever work with somebody? Once in a while, I'll have a friend who will just play with me on this and they'll write, you know, some stuff that I will change it. But no, 90, 95%. Cause it's very personal. I mean, your stuff was always, you know, I have to tell you, there are jokes that stick in your mind just because there's something in your life that you do that

that the bit always comes back to you. What's the bit? I can't even imagine. Taking a shower and there's not enough water for both of you. You know? Somebody told me, it's funny, somebody else told me, someone was in a shower bit that I did years later

And the premise was the areas that we spend the most time cleaning are not the areas that need it most. Like, guys, we're like 40 minutes here. Like, this is never going to be dirty. But your bit was that if you take a shower with somebody, it seems so romantic. One of you is in the back. One is not getting water.

And like, I have never, ever taken, it's ruined that one, that could have been a pleasure in my life. And it's just like in the movies where they see they superimpose the head of the guy coming at you. It's like every time I'm there trying to get, and there's Paul Reiser's face doing this bit. Well, I'm so honored. One of you is not getting enough water. I'm so honored.

I'm so honored to be a part of that intimate moment in your life. It's just terrible. That's like literally 40 years ago. But by the way, people want to watch new stuff. I do have this special that you can watch on Amazon or Apple, wherever you can buy stuff. And it's newer stuff than even that, by the way. What's it about? Give me some. I tell people I'm not smart enough to make anything up. So I'm only going to tell you what happened in my life, in my wife, and

And that stuff, see, that's not a reason to get married, but you would have a new 40 minutes. I mean, I. Because there's only so much you can do on. Isn't it great to not be married? Because everyone's in the audience going, wouldn't know. Yeah, but I still can make it. I know. It's working for you. But see, I always use you as an example. Like, not everybody should be married. Right.

My son, my 24-year-old, met a girl, and she's delightful, and they're very happy. They're just going out. It's been a few months. And my wife's mother, you know, typically would go, so when are they going to get married? I go, stop that. I go, don't. There's no reason to do that. Enjoy this moment. Don't presume that it's this treadmill that Bill Maher feels. And I always think, well, Bill Maher should not be married. He's crazy.

He would make some woman miserable and it's working. But everybody makes each other miserable at some point. I never make anybody miserable. That's the thing about not getting married. You're not also in the trough. I mean, I'm sure there are heights or depths or whatever that are... I don't think everybody needs to have kids. Some people are great. I'm happy.

They definitely don't need to. So I salute you on your diligence. And I salute you because...

You know, I wish people would just accept that it's personal preference. It's like, why do I not like sushi and you do? Or whatever. You know what I mean? It's just, we're creating different people with different wiring. Whatever went into it in our formative years, the way we were brought up, but probably everything is locked in by the age of five. Some people say even two. Yeah.

And I think the die was cast for me at like that age. Like it was just... Why? How so? Because, I mean... You had a bad relationship at two? With shit, yes. Like, I mean, they say the anal stage, which is zero to two, very formative because it's like how were you... You're not aware of it consciously, but you're unconscious. If your diaper isn't changed enough, that kind of stuff, you become...

I mean, everything gets locked in at that very formative time when you're not even really aware of when the personality is set. I mean, I've asked parents about kids. They all say the same thing. You can always tell, even at that age, what they're going to be like. Really? Yeah, like that's a wild one.

That's probably two. You don't find that with your kids? Yeah. I think you see certain sparks of that and you marvel. I see pieces, I go, wow. I see myself and my son. I go, wow, that is your mother. And then her pieces are going, I don't know what that is. And by the way, why should? There's nothing in my parents that you can look at my parents and go, he's going to be a comedian. It's not in there. Right.

But, yeah, and I enjoy the pieces that surprise me, that I see sparks in my kids. I'm going, that's just you. That's entirely you.

You I'm actually writing. I'm writing a pilot with my younger son that it's really I'm buckling up for an interesting journey because it's like oh I'm the guy that knows what he's doing and I'm gonna try it but he's really funny and actually really creative and It was interesting because you're talking about before like, you know being the son the child of celebrity or whatever and

We were pitching and we were just playing with like barest bones of the story. I said, well, what if it's this? Could we have invited a studio and asked me to come up with a show? And it was his father's son thing. I said, why don't I write it with you? And he's a writer to begin with. And we were just jamming. And I said, by the way, afterwards, I said, you did really good. I said, you're really good. He said, you know, I finally understand why you had a hit show. I went...

A, what the hell did I say that you heard that? And B, like, really? Now? Just today? You figured out, oh, dad knows what he's doing. But like, yeah, it was, I mean, it was a really- What a great moment for you. It was a beautiful moment. Like, it's like, oh, because we're on level ground, I guess like, oh, I actually see your worth and your skill. It's like- Yeah, it's hard to get things out of your kids because they're kids that you can't blame them for. That's part of just being that

You just have this tunnel vision about like my needs, my world. I wouldn't want it any other way. I wouldn't want a kid who goes, well, my dad is. But like I originally went through, I had a reason to go through all this old family stuff. I labeled it in a file and I went through like my father letters that were written to my father.

That he had saved. From his parents? No, no, no. From other, like, friends. Oh, okay. These are, like, from, like, the end of World War II into the 60s. Wow. Because a phone call cost money and a stamp was three cents. And you realize, I'm really... And again, these are just letters to him that he saved. So I don't have the letters he wrote to them. Okay. Three friends of his, three guy friends. And, you know, you realize...

I was alive, you know, for part of these letters from the mid-late 50s into the 60s, when he's talking about things that I was never aware of, even though I was alive. You know, like switching jobs and maybe we can do this. And like this other friend of his who was a comedian and they were, you know, thinking about doing something. And you realize, oh, when I was a kid, he was just dad. Right. He's there and that's great.

But I don't give a shit what he's doing or where he goes to get the money for my cornflakes. But you wouldn't even think to even ask those questions because you don't imagine. But, of course, he had dreams too. And he had ambitions. And he had places at times when the job wasn't going well or he had to get a new one. He was just taking care of shit.

And it just never got to my level. And that's like, I don't think that goes on that much anymore. No, but that's just part of life. When you get to a certain age, you realize, oh, so my parents were younger people. And my son is, you know, my son's 24 and he lives in Brooklyn now. And I'm 45 years ahead of him, whatever. But I can totally imagine.

Remember and relate to, oh, finding your first apartment and how great New York is when you're 24 and you're single. Oh, you met a girl. That's great. Oh, my gosh. It's your first year. You're walking around. You're walking along the river. It's like, oh, I remember that, but I'm the dad now. I'm not the 24-year-old. Right. And, you know, I did this...

20 years ago I did this movie with Peter Falk called The Thing About My Folks, and I was trying to understand my parents' relationship because I was the fourth of four kids, so they were just tired and tired by the time I got there. And I would think, but it wasn't always like this, right? You were 25, and you met, and you went, oh, there's a pretty girl. Oh, there's a handsome guy.

And then you said, let me ask you out. Now you're sitting watching the news and you're not talking to each other. What's that arc? How did we get from there to here? That's why I never got married. Because the part you described in the beginning, it was my mind is like, why would you?

Unless you had to, unless it's a gun to your head, this is identified even by the people who usually, you know, get married as the time they liked and they reminisce about it. I know, you know that. And like, so why, if I didn't have to, why would I not keep doing that part?

But that's just... You make an argument, the Tartar argument. It certainly looks good on paper. I know. And it works for you. And I thought, what's going to happen at the end of this? Will one of us convert the other? I will get single or you'll get married. No. No. And then you move in. It's the odd couple. Now it's garbage, Bill. Apropos of that, can I tell you an amazing story about these letters? Please. So...

Yeah, again, apropos to like, yeah, they were 25 or whatever. So my parents met in high school, but my father was two years, two grades younger. He was friends with, my mother was friends with his sister, I guess. But so they didn't really know each other well. Again, my mother's a senior, he's a sophomore. He wouldn't be interested in a kid like that.

Then they're both in World War II, and she sees him on stage at a USO thing or something. On stage? On stage. You know, just like being an emcee of some little show. And Belza's father didn't show. And she's like, oh my God, that's Billy Marr from The Neighborhood. So that's 1945. They got married in 1951. I don't know what happened in these six years, but the letters...

are certainly indicative that my father was not just seeing her. Okay. Or maybe not at all. But they must have stayed in contact. Right. Like, I never asked them when they were alive. I wish I did. But, like, were they seeing other people? Was he, like, saying he was with her? But some of the letters are asking about him with this girl he took to the club the other night or something. So, plainly, shit was going on. And then, here's the really...

for a clempty part, he's engaged in the spring of 1951 and marries my mother in July. Not to her was he engaged. So he broke off an engagement and married someone only a few months later who was not the person he apparently rented the hall with. And I think piecing this together, I don't have direct evidence, but I think the whole reason why is

In 1951, a Catholic boy just did not marry a Jewish girl. But your mother was Jewish? Yes, that's the point of the story. So I think at the very last minute he said, this is the woman I love, and I didn't think I could go through with it because, again, 1951, way more outrageous a Jew and a Catholic than interracial marriage is today. Interracial marriage today is...

as it should be, whoever you want. But back then, Jew, Catholic, it just wasn't done. Society, families. So I think he was engaged to some other Catholic girl, and then at the last minute said, yeah, but that's not who I love, and I'm going to just fuck it. And you never got, do you have siblings? Yeah. Do they have any information? No. Nobody knows anything?

No. It's so funny. I mean, it's, no, they would, first of all, even if they were alive, I'm not sure they would tell me what was going on in those years. Well, that was, you know, when I did this movie, the Peter Falk movie, it was based on a letter that I found that my mother wrote to my father but never delivered. Wow. Ready, Dr. Freud? While pregnant with me.

She wrote this while expressing her discontent. And I remember sharing, I'm sharing this with your audience, I had this idea, a father-son movie. And I remember asking my mother, my dad had passed. And I remember, no, my dad hadn't passed yet. And I remember saying, I said, well, I'm sorry.

Father and the son go looking for the mother, but why would the mother leave? And my mother said, this may help you. And she sent me a letter. I went, it was like the fucking Rosetta Stone. Like, oh, my God. That's like explains my whole life. I get your relationship. And what was it? It was basically saying she was now married for years.

13, 14 years. I was the fourth of four kids. She realized all the dreams she had for their wonderful marriage weren't going to be. He was going to be dedicated to his business, et cetera, et cetera. Her discontent, and I had always felt that discontent, but nobody would acknowledge it.

And then when I reached out to her and said, oh, I get it. And she went, it's just a letter. I was in a bad mood that day. I went, oh, motherfucker. That's a great punchline. Yeah. And it's like, I understand that. Yes, you don't feel the 365 days a year. Yeah, it's both. Yeah. It's both true and some days not true. And so to me, that movie was me trying to

Connect the dots. How do you get from two 25-year-olds who meet and find each other attractive and appealing to...

We're watching Walter Cronk. I'll tell you how. You fuck it up and spend every goddamn day together. And there's just no two people on earth that interesting. You know, nobody's chasing. You're still running. Nobody's making you get married. You make a very fervent argument and nobody's making you. I'm just saying my whole thing is I'd rather say to somebody, I miss you, and mean it.

then be with them every day and say it and don't really mean it. I think you can relieve yourself of that pressure. There's nobody waiting, nobody expecting you. I think your argument has been made. You're 68. I think you're out of the woods.

You'd be surprised. You know, I... I mean, it's in their nature, women. Do you cut this down or do you edit these or no? No, if you want. No, there's nothing I said. Nothing I said. I will... I'll share. Did you happen to... Did you read Norman Lear's memoir?

No. Okay. But I had dinner with him once at Rob Reiner's house. Fair enough. Does that count? No. He was, you know, an exceptional guy. But he was a great pioneer of television. He was a great pioneer. And a great guy and fucking funny and really irreverent. Sharp right into the end. Over 100. Over 100. So I remember he was writing for a while. He was writing his memoir called

And it took him a couple of years. And I remember we were going to get together and he said, yeah, I'm still writing. I said, what are you up to? And this is like mid-2010, 15. He said, I'm up to 1992. I went, Norman,

Don't fuck around. I said, you're not a young man. Type faster. Did he laugh? Yeah. Oh, he was great. See, I wouldn't. Oh, no. I don't think jokes about you're going to die sooner. We had a thing. We did Phil Rosenthal's show together at Langer's Deli, me, Norman, and Phil.

And he said, he got the cheesecake. And he said, I'm going to have maybe a little piece. And I said, wouldn't it be funny if this is what kills Norman? And he went with it and he took a bite. And I went, okay, I think it was safe. That's probably the healthier. It is. Maybe I'm insecure about it. Of course. I feel like you're going to die soon jokes.

are just wrong. Well, I stop myself from making a joke to the audience. Like, you know, if I die tomorrow, you will remember this night. Well, we don't think you're about to die. No, but I do. I mean, you're not a spring chicken, but you don't... No, I'm not, but I know that you can get hit by a bus tomorrow. But that's not different. That's different than a hundred-year-old who is going to die tomorrow. True, it is different. You know, it's just...

But anyway, the story I wanted to tell that moved me and stayed with me, Norman told in his book, he wrote a story, and it's phenomenal, really interesting life, and he shot down like 47 German planes. Yes, in World War II, shot down. In the Civil War. That's how good pilot he was. He talked about...

throwing a party for his wife's 60th. His wife was many years younger than him. So he's in his 80s, I guess, and he's throwing a party for his wife's 60th. Robbing the cradle, huh?

And he talked about how he did this, and he got a band, and he put the thing together. A band? He got a whole big thing. And then at the end of the party, he was so like, look what I did. And his wife was going, yeah, but I didn't want any of that. And he was in the book, and he was sharing. He's like, I don't know.

I wasn't being a husband, I was being a producer. I produced this great party and I was thinking, wow, you're in your 80s and you're still going, I have much to learn about relationships. I'm going, okay. So by the way, the fact that I haven't mastered everything, that our relationship is still in flux.

And it's not to be mourned, but rather like, oh, yeah, it's a growing thing. To be perfectly balanced. It's not a fight you want. To be perfectly balanced about this. Yeah. I totally get that story and will tell you that Norman Lear, genius as he is in television, is dumber than me in relationships. Because that is something I wouldn't have gotten at 30 or probably 40, maybe 50, but

Certainly by early 50s, I would never have made that mistake of being the producer instead of the boyfriend or the husband or whatever. There's a certain point it did sink into me, what women wanted and needed. And it wasn't producing. That's correct.

So my takeaway is, though Norman lived to be 102, you're saying you were smarter than him. Yeah. About that specific issue. Maybe it's because he was married all those years. Twice, yeah. I mean, yeah. But what spoke to me was the fact that this is an ongoing journey and there is a release in saying, oh, I don't have it yet.

Perhaps I will get this. And by the way, at the same time, I totally, totally do get you going. That's not an arena I want to come back in. I feel like I was a slow learner and, again, not that mature for so long. It's kind of a theme, I think, in my character, a late bloomer on things, that when I do get something right,

I do take pride in the whatever lessons I have learned or mastered. There are things that I had on my list of New Year's Eve resolutions for 1975. I'm not making this up. That I still am working on. Like I was still like, oh God, I had that on the 75 list. This is going to be the year. But this goes back to what we were saying about, oh, that our act is better now than it was six months ago. It's like...

That's nothing to be ashamed of that like oh, I haven't licked that problem yet But because by the way if you do check everything off well, then I guess I should die, you know If you get everything, right? I mean, I know I do a bit in the special I do a bit about you know do unto others

it works in life and it doesn't work in marriage because many things that I would have done to me, she don't like done to her. And, and, and we literally last night, we had a really interesting argument about,

And I said, well, because I expressed what I was, she did something that annoyed me and I expressed it in my vernacular. And she goes, well, but you're being, you know, you didn't just come out and say it. I went, right, because I was trying to say it how I would say it. She goes, just tell, and I realized what's that balance between here's how I say things, but no, I have a partner. Let me try and accommodate and here's how she might best hear it.

And it's frustrating, and it's certainly a battle that you have opted out of. Yeah, that's the one thing I could never take in relationships. It's like you have all these little fights. Sometimes you don't even know what you did. You looked at the waitress for two seconds. It was long. Have you had long relationships? Oh, absolutely. Okay. I don't mean with management. I'm talking about girls. Like five years, three years. Yeah, I've had – I didn't know that. I get the drill.

I certainly have had the starter program for what a marriage is, monogamous and multi-year. So I feel like I am qualified to comment on it. And the problem is that nobody ever really forgets where they buried a hatchet. So you have these little fights. And again, you know, she's got a puss on her now. Why? I didn't even know what I did. So, you know, that's...

Then I start acting bad. And then you patch it up. You always get over it. But it's like a car. You get a little ding. You get a little dent. You get a little scratch. And then you're driving a piece of shit. Well, listen, it's just like there's certain people who shouldn't drink. You should not get married. You should not be. Right. As long as you know it.

And for years, for many, many years, I was so inculcated in this idea that is just in the culture that you do have to like,

find as an Easter egg, this perfect person, soulmate, all that stuff that is seeped into the culture and everything, all the movies, every idea, TV shows, talk shows, chicks on TV talking. And it's all that idea of the perfect person and the one and the soulmate. And it's like,

No. Not for everybody. Well, and possibly not even out there. Or, you know, the other thing is people get to... Oh, it could be out there, but it's not something that you're interested in. But the idea of just one person being like the only one for you, people get divorced, people die, and then they have another person. Yeah, yeah. You know, so we're a little more malleable. Yeah. Yeah, I don't, you know...

I couldn't quite imagine somebody being more right for me than my wife. Yeah, but that's lucky. But I could also, hypothetically, if we hadn't met, it would have been that person. Yeah. And...

We would have had the same journey. It's like religion. Like if you're, it's not a mystery. You're a religious guy, aren't you? Yeah. It's not a mystery why if you're born in Pakistan, you're a Muslim. Right. Yeah. You know, it's just the same thing with, well, I guess Jews is different.

So what do you think about the Jews these days? I got to tell you, it's not so fun out there as it used to be. Am I wrong? Am I right, ladies? Is there not a lot of Jew hate out there? You know, there seems to be. I have noticed. I have noticed. So if I understand correctly, it's not like tomorrow you're going to wake up religious and married. If I gleaned anything from today's little drinking session with you,

No, I feel like religion and marriage do have a lot in common. Actually, what really has a lot in common is marriage and communism. Because I feel like they're both grafted onto an ideal of humans that is not realistic. Communism, the idea that we should all be and could all be unselfish,

Yeah, you make a valid point. I love it. You didn't want me to finish with that. No, I know, I know. It makes exactly right. It's like, yeah, we're not unselfish people. We're not unselfish people. And thank God. Yeah. I mean, I got to say, America...

Not a fan. I am a big fan. I'm a big fan. Aren't you not? Come on, man. I haven't watched the... Yeah, I'm a big fan of America. In theory. With all the bullshit. I would rather live here than anywhere else. Okay, that's all I'm saying. I'm so not thrilled with this moment. Nobody's thrilled with this moment. Well, I mean, there are actually people who are very thrilled with this moment, and they're doing this. Yeah.

Talking to Kash Patel this morning. He is... But, you know, even with all the bullshit, I mean, it's like, you know... Let's see. Yeah. It's still... It's amazing. It's actually amazing the way it just... It's like my dog. It just keeps going. You'd think it'd be dead by now. And it just keeps fucking going. Well, this is why... You know, this relates to why we...

love stand up and why we love narrowing, or for me, let me speak for myself, narrowing my focus. Like, boy, if I look at the big picture, it doesn't look good. So I'm going to work on this line. I'm going to read this book. I'm going to talk to this friend and keep it small. And the truth is, you're probably going to be able to keep doing that. God willing. No matter what's going on out there in the world. Of course, the worst things could happen.

Trump could get into office and blow up the world on day one. But, you know, I'm not going through the same spilkas I did last time. Really? Yeah. Like when it happens, wake me. But I'm not giving my mind over to it again. And I'll see what happens. And one thing I've learned about the future is that.

We're very bad about predicting it. And whatever you think is probably likely to happen probably isn't going to happen. I didn't actually watch election night. Did Harris not win? You know, I feel ill-equipped to have the conversation. You have not lost a step.

I remember first knowing of you when you went underwear shopping with Michael Caine. And got the part. And ended up in Diner. Diner. From underwear to Diner. And I remember thinking at the time when the movie, and then I saw the guy, and I was like, oh, I see why that happened. You know, I see why he got that. So, and you still got it. Still got it. This is great fun. Do you do this nightly? Because I am free. I have nothing on the books.

Weekly. Because I only allow myself a couple of drinks a week. Is that right? Yeah. Well, I'm so glad you squeezed me in before your big show tomorrow. I'm glad you squeezed. You want me to stand up too? Yeah, I do. Do I have to leave? But I have so much more material. All right. Thank you, buddy. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's not a TV. That's a monologue. It doesn't help us. All right, watch. We walk into the sunset, some beautiful music, and it'll be something. You'll have something. Oh, I have a microphone dragging from my head.