Richard Dreyfuss | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. How are you? How are you? Well, it's been a long time. Yeah. Do you remember the show we did together? Which one? The Funny You Don't Look 200? Or...

Yes, 1987. Your show about the Constitution. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen it at all? I saw it in 1987. I mean, since then? No. Have you? Yeah, shit. A lot. What are you, like Norman Desmond? You're running it in your library every night? I'm ready for my close-up. No, I'm...

There's a whole story about that story. Well, people don't know what we're talking about, so I'm going to tell them, like,

in the 20th anniversary of the Constitution, which, of course, was 1787. Kids, I mean, kids, they don't even know 1776. But kids out there, that's when America declared its independence. But it took 11 more years before we had a Constitution. And Richard wanted to do a show celebrating that because the Constitution is kind of a big deal. And for some reason...

Uh, me, a young kid, up and coming comic, new to Hollywood, was, I can't remember what I did in that show. I remember it was you were a huge movie star who wanted to do a show about the Constitution. And I was a young comic who would do anything. So I was like thrilled beyond. The show opens with you. Really? And it is carried for the first 15 minutes, maybe. Yeah.

By you and Jeff Tambor. Who's that? Jeffrey Tambor? Yeah. Was in that? Yeah. Holy crow. I never realized how much of the show itself you don't know about. Because I said to them, I was being sued. I was not being sued. I was suing them or I was... Suing who?

Disney. Disney? Yeah. What did they do to you? We said to them, they called us first and said, we know that we're going to be talking about owing Richard something in and around some hundreds of thousands of dollars. And on that following Monday morning, they called, the same lady called and said, okay, so we're going to start a

With us knowing that we owe you at least $5,000. For what? What did we do? I still don't understand the gist of this story. Well... What did we do wrong? I did 11 films for them. Okay, but now they're suing you. No, no, no. I was going to sue them. And it was the same thing that always happens with when you do 11 films. You know, they just run you through the bringer. Right.

yeah you have to okay now i see okay so you have to sue people in hollywood that is true to get your money they they do have ways of even movies was it uh coming to america some movie like that which made 125 million dollars which at the time was

you know, today would be like, I don't know, closer to a billion. It was a giant hit. And they somehow found a way to hide all the money. Right. Like, well, we didn't really make that money. I don't know where it went. Somebody paid for that swimming pool, but I guess it wasn't that money. And someone paid for your yacht. Yeah. But that's how you know you've really made it is when you have to sue for your money. I mean, until then, you're just a schnorrer. You know, you're just...

So it's good that you had that long stretch where you were top dog and got to sue the studios. By the way, who hasn't had a beef with Disney? They fired me in 2001. They owned ABC. And I was never really bitter about it. I was shocked that a show called Politically Incorrect could stay on forever.

a Disney property for almost six years. That to me was, it was like the Roman Empire. It's not that it fell, it's like how long it lasted. So I didn't, I understood where they were coming from and, you know, I never ever took any of those corporate feuds seriously.

or made a corporate food. I knew that a lot of corporate heads at the time didn't like me. And you know what? They weren't completely wrong. I was like 40 and still like, you know, I don't know. They wanted me to be married and

you know, they are much more comfortable with that type. Right. They didn't like seeing pictures of me out at nightclubs at four in the morning, you know, because I was doing a show that was like, you know, political and not issues. And I mean, people took it seriously why they can't take, they learned to take seriously somebody who still wanted to be in a nightclub. And I don't know why anybody, everybody wouldn't, but yeah, they, I could tell they didn't weren't crazy about me, but no,

Nobody ever did anything terrible. It's fucking show business. We're so lucky to be in it at any end. Right at the moment when things that were not serious became deadly serious. Like? Like the Me Too movement. Yes, okay. And that became deadly serious.

So, yeah, I mean, it was always deadly serious. Nobody ever talked about it. But I mean, it is amazing how quickly that cascaded from Harvey Weinstein, you know, which is interesting when you look back, because sometimes when people are solving crimes, they certainly in movies, because you have to roll it out for 22 hours. But, you know, they start with the low level criminals and work their way up to the big fish, right?

You know, you don't get to have your ultimate fight with the big bad guy at the beginning. You gotta go through all his henchmen. Then you gotta kill his number one henchman. That's always like, you know, Gary Busey. And then you get to kill the big, big bad guy who's the problem. But in this one, they went right for Harvey Weinstein. We killed the baddest dude right at the beginning of the movie.

And then I think even Bill Cosby was soon after that. So that was like, you know, they bagged like... We have to talk about him for a second. Bill Cosby? Did you know him? Sure, I did. How'd you come to know him? Well, first, it was because I knew him, my partner Judith was a very old friend of theirs as a couple. Okay. Yeah.

But I also knew something else, which was if you look back at that decade. Which decade are we talking about? The 70s. Okay. Which is when his nefarious. Yeah. Well, I guess even the 60s. I mean, it is amazing that he was doing it and getting away with it, not just year after year, but decade after decade. Decade. Yeah. And here's the funny thing. He raped people in bell bottoms and he raped them in Spanx.

I mean, he was probably America's worst serial rapist ever, certainly in show business. Well, maybe Harvey was worse. My feeling about all of that is that he was the most prominent of the upper-level rapists

who dated beautiful girls. And at that moment, really, there was no difference between him and what he did with his girls. But he was married. Yeah, he was married. Okay, well, you're not supposed to date when you're married, I've heard.

I heard they get mad. Women, they get mad at these little things you do. You know, like you don't let them walk ahead of you going into the restaurant. I'm sorry. I was trying to help, you know, and not telling them that you're married. Little things that just bug them. Women. No, but really, I mean, he was leading this double life. And what do we think of the wife? That she could not have not known, right? She knew.

Didn't care. Well, no, it wasn't that she didn't care. It was that they went on doing that. And what was important about the couple, the couple under scrutiny, was they had to work that out between the two of them. But what was completely overlooked and, you know, they were a bunch of... Swept under the rug? Swept under the rug?

It was that the real deal was that people just ignored it if the wife did not make a stink. So interesting. Yes, you're right. The wife has a big role to play. They call them mafia wives. Yeah. You know. And by the way...

The real story was that they did know. It was part of the dating system. - Okay, it's Hollywood, it's the '70s. People are doing quaaludes. Men, women. - Right. - No one was holding a gun to the head of women, generally. Bill Cosby and rapists accepted.

But people were just partying. They went to discos. It was a kind of a fun, crazy time. Plus, movie star. You know, a girl, oh, wow, I can do a Quaalude with Richard Dreyfuss, the movie star? Yes, that's going to happen. Now, listen, this is, you and I are about eight years different in age. So this is like one of those things where...

I never was in the Quaalude time and I certainly wasn't a movie star, okay? I was, I didn't smoke pot before I went to college. I did Quaaludes one time in my life. I was in New York, my first year in New York, I was 22 or three. My friends came over and I have a very low idol anyway, like I love drugs that get me up, like pot is an up drug for me, I don't know why. Cocaine was the reverse, how ridiculous is that, okay.

So like we took Quaaludes. Oh, great. We're going to take this is like four dumb guys. This is my apartment on 8th Avenue over a bus stop, 55th and 8th in New York City. OK, in 1979.

uh we take the quaalude we're in my apartment we're drinking of course because that's brilliant when you took a quaalude we finally okay now we're up enough i don't know what we're gonna do probably get robbed we go out we leave we walk down the three flights of stairs to and we get on the street i go two blocks and pass out like i remember like being on the hood of a cab like like just like like dustin hoffman in midnight cowboy except i'm literally passed out

And then they took, they peeled me off. They brought me, thank God, we're only two blocks from my apartment. Took me back to my apartment, three idiot guy friends, put me on the bed and I woke up 14 hours later with the door open.

No date. No date. I was lucky to be alive. 14 hours later, it just put me to sleep, like, and the door was open, and no one had come in and robbed or killed me, which showed you how desirable that...

that studio apartment was. Ten people probably came in, they just looked around and left like they were browsing at a candle shop. That's what my parents did. My parents came to the door of my apartment and they were going to take me out to lunch. And the door opened and they stood there

And then they closed the door and left and never stepped in. Wow. Because they just went, oh, no, no, no. And then we just all imitated one another. I did 11 films. I was always, one way or another, fucked up. Really? You mean working on the set?

No, no, I was at my apartment. My parents were going to take me out to lunch. They stopped. They took one look at how messy my apartment was, closed the door, never mentioned it again. They were, as parents, completely appalled.

that i was that filthy dirty and just with socks i'm not talking about you're just a slob is that you're not a slob oh right does it bug your wife uh because i could did it until i found the right one oh because she's also a slob no she's a very strict uh oh so she keeps you in line yeah but that was

the extent of it. And then what happened for me was I started to get invited to

up to the Playboy Mansion. Of course. You're a movie star. Right. That's what happens. And I wasn't quite yet a movie star. Well, Jaws certainly made you. Well, that was, at that moment, it was, that was the adjustment. That was the new...

term of endearment i guess terms of endearment was 1982 so jaws was 1975 so i know my movie dates this was us finding out what were the right dates what were the right movies did i had i made it or was i just about going to make it and i was at that turn of my life yeah and yeah

where you're not quite sure that you're no because you're in the graduate in 1967 that's eight years before jaws right and lots of people this is how iconic you are lots of people know that one line you have yeah check all the cops and they don't know i'm gonna call the year i did the best film and the worst film of 1967. well we know the graduate was the best one was the worst

See, I'm surprised you don't know that one. The worst film of 1967? I don't know. McKenna's Gold. Who the fuck remembers what was the worst film of... Valley of the Dolls. Valley of the Dolls. Valley of the Dolls was not the worst film because I was 11 when it came out and soon was masturbating to it. And you responded to Miss O'Hara. Miss O'Hara? Miss O'Hara?

That was the worst line in the worst film ever made. And you said that? Yeah. Now, who's in Valley of the Dolls? Patty Duke was the one I was talking to. Okay, but Patty Duke, handsome actress, never made my adolescent masturbation list. Who else?

Who else could I have been whacking it to? There must have been, I know there was. Oh, yeah. Jacqueline Bissett. Jacqueline Bissett. Exactly. Yeah. And with an English accent, which usually is such a boner killer. There's just something about that accent that doesn't go. And so she did. And that was a big deal.

hot turn on. Who else? There was somebody else who was like, even Jacqueline Bissett is classy. And there's a whole raft of women who never made it past grade B. That doesn't matter to a masturbator. We are not judging you. Actually, it didn't matter to anybody because that judgment would be made

based on that film. What film was it? What film are you in in that year?

Okay. So I... But you were already in films. I was plainly masturbating. What do you think about when you masturbate? Isn't that the ultimate question that could tell you what really a person is about? What do you think about when you masturbate, Richard Dreyfuss? I never thought about my mother. Well, I hope not. And I never thought...

that if I had thought of my mother, I would be thinking incestuous thoughts. That never occurred to me. And yet incestuous thoughts was the engine that drove my masturbation. Really? Yes. Incestuous with who?

Who crossed that street first? Yeah. Inquiring minds want to know. Yeah. I mean, you brought it up, but if it's not your mother, how many people could it be? Your sister? In the early years, I thought about very little else. Not grandma. Who am I thinking of? Who are you thinking of? Who am I thinking of? I'm asking, who are you thinking of?

Because, you know, well, I mean, you do know that porn today is like dominated almost by incest porn. Like if you go on Pornhub, like it's the same videos that we've been looking at for years. It's some chick, hopefully a hot one, although obviously beauty's in the eye. But there are many beautiful, you know, porn stars who in another era could have been movie stars if

They didn't always take a bunch of jizz in the face, which is like not something that the studio, certainly not in Mr. Mayer's day, looked kindly on. Although, of course, they did it in private anyway. Well, they did it for Mr. Mayer, but only in a private collection. Oh, yeah. I mean, those guys and those guys were worse or as bad as the Cosby's. Oh, yeah. And that what they got away with.

Like in those days of the studios. When you read Shirley Temple's book. Who? Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple? When you read her book, you can read between the lines of an enormous... Scandal? Well, a scandal that never unscandalized. She was abused? Oh, yeah. I'm sure. I mean, they just did it routinely. What she was, was that they...

made as much as they could of a never-acknowledged ongoing sin. You know, it's not that she was abused in the sense that bad behavior on the part of Louis B. Mayer. It's that that was the done thing

to every young actress. Judy Garland, I'm sure. You know, I mean, yeah, they were just, I mean, men without guardrails are just out of this thing. And they invented the American small town perfect place. Andy Hardy. Right. And who was not in Andy Hardy? It was Mickey Rooney as Andy Hardy. It was Judy Rooney. It was the Jew. It was the black man. And it was... Who were not in it.

Of course not. No, that was a it's so funny in Neil Gabler's book. I think this is what he said. I mean, that's such a great book about it's called How the Jews Invented Hollywood. And he talks about an industry completely dominated by Jews making movies for a Protestant America and feeding back the Protestant dream to them.

The Jews took over Hollywood, they invented Hollywood, and they didn't say, "Oh, let's show America the shuttle that we came from in Russia." No, they themselves loved Hollywood.

that they were in this new and better place where they weren't being chased by Cossacks. They were getting sucked off by starlets. I mean, that's, you know. You ever hear of the Cholchinsky riots? The Cholchinsky riots? I'm probably mispronouncing that. What are they? The Cholchinsky riots were a decade-long, um,

Oh, sure. A pogrom.

the worst thing that had ever happened to them until the Holocaust. But there were many pogroms. This is probably just the worst. Yeah. But that's what, of course... Yes, and it was exactly that. That's what the show Fiddler on the Roof is about. Yeah. Fiddler on the Roof is the Cossacks are always coming, so I want a rich man. And that was the worst thing you could ever bring up. And it was the worst thing...

that had ever happened to any Jews anywhere. Until the Holocaust, it was the talk of the town. It was the most mortal wound. Well, the trial that you share a name with. Yes, but that was 10 years later. The Dreyfus trial. Yeah, that was in the 1890s. Correct. And this happened in...

1880s. In the 1880s. Yeah. It was a bad time for the Jews in Russia. It boy was. It really was. Yeah. It was not a good place. I mean, there was never really a good time, but... But you know, when we hear the phrase, the pale of settlement? Yeah, sure. Well, that was a...

a boy's town of the Cholchinsky riots. It was, the Cossacks were basically

given free reign to kill and murder anyone they wanted but getting back to my masturbation who else was in Valley who else was in Valley of the Dolls come on I can almost picture it like who's the guy not the guy not the guy I wasn't masturbating about the guys

weirdo i was matt you're you're your sister what are you why don't you even ask about did you ever do you have a sister yes did you ever give her what we called a movie a movie actor kiss no oh god

Please. I love my sister. Did she ever ask you? No, we didn't even like each other when we were kids. We were always, we were like two. What? Of course not. Yes. No. You stopped that hostility under a white flag and you literally said. No.

You want to do a movie star kiss? We're not weirdos like you. We're normal people who grew up in New Jersey and we didn't have memories. I lived in Queens, so it's the same thing. Queens, I'll say. I lived 20 blocks away from Trump and his family and I was 10, 15 streets away from

What's his name? Who I played also. What's his name? Alexander Haig. Security and Exchange Commission. And I played them both. I mean, I played people of that world. Right. So I had a kind of unique perspective. I was the villain that fucked over the Jews from the stock market and from...

And billions were lost to this one guy. What's his name? So anyway, the thing was that the 60s, the 1860s were given over to those riots and those deaths. And it was the biggest thing that had ever happened to Jews. But they still shouldn't have been so mean to Marilyn Monroe. Right.

Did you see that movie with Ana de Armas? I loved it. I thought the performance was amazing. First of all, she had no accent.

She, just like British people can do our accent and Australians, of course, perfectly. Whereas we Americans, I've seen struggle when they're doing a British accent or some other accent. And like every once in a while, they'll lapse out of it for one word. And it's like a clam when you're watching a band, you know, a bad note. Oh, God. But they never, what? But they never miss the Brits when they do our accent.

And when she did Marilyn Monroe, I mean, she first of all, I just thought I did not. I thought the movie was lugubrious. Like, really, there was no joy in Marilyn's life. It was just one bad fucking day after another. I get it. She was fragile and men abused her. And along the way, there had to be, you know, one sunny day. And also, like, do I know that these things happen the way they did? I mean,

To say the least, you could not be worse to her than the men were. Joe DiMaggio slugs her. Louis B. Mayer rapes her without even smiling at her. John F. Kennedy, that scene. That was awful. So, I mean, I...

stupidly watch that like when I watch TV before I go to bed but I try not to watch things are disturbing I found that so disturbing it did disturb my sleep that night you were thinking about your sister but I I mean it was just um if people haven't seen it I mean she goes to see Kennedy she's brought to him you know like

you know, like, bathe her and bring her to my tent. And he's in. And it was unfairly drawn, that scene. Well, we don't know what Jack Kennedy was like in bed with Marilyn Monroe, but the scene was, he's in bed, he's in bed. Now, he had a bad back. He's got his shirt off. We don't see really under the, it looks like he's probably naked. I think presidents and ex-presidents don't have any hair on their chests.

you know what do you just it's just it's like why he didn't well not in any movie that i've ever seen i never paid that close attention to that aspect of movies about kennedy but i'm gonna re-watch

Anyway, so they bring her in. The Secret Service guy is sitting like right outside the door so he knows everything that's going on. Kennedy's on the phone, doesn't get off the phone, just kind of nods and waves to her while he's talking on the phone, like indicating for her to just start blowing him, which she does.

And then they have this close up of the dick in her mouth. And it's just if the filmmaker was looking to move me, he did. I'll give you that. I just wish I hadn't watched it before bed. And I just hope John F. Kennedy wasn't that bad.

because it was just, it was worse than a lot of violence. And it is a kind of, that is a kind of, I mean, they overuse the kind of violence, but shoving your dick in somebody's mouth is violent. Guys, you know that feeling in the bedroom during intimacy when you're trying to hold back from going over the edge so that the fun doesn't end sooner than you or they would like? Stop trying to delay the inevitable by mentally solving math problems or thinking about Trump sitting naked eating a bucket of chicken. Look,

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And neither will your partner.

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and he says, hi, Dustin Hoffman. And she says, Marilyn Dreyfuss. And my aunt dined out on that story for years because he said he introduced himself as if I didn't know that he was Dustin Hoffman. And I said, he doesn't. He does not know that he's Dustin Hoffman.

And at that time, especially. What are you talking about? He doesn't know he's Dustin Hoffman. It took me 15 years to know that I was Richard Dreyfuss. Oh, I don't buy that.

Come on. Are you serious? Yeah. What do you mean to know? To like to realize, like, let's go back to 1975. Jaws, if people weren't alive, was like one of those things that's beyond a specific art form. It was a cultural phenomenon. It changed the movie industry forever. Blockbusters in the summer. Wait a minute. But you're acting as if you're talking about the guy as if he already knows the end of the plot.

And let me tell you, we didn't. Okay, but even if you don't know the end of the plot, you know in 1975 where you're the lead in one of the biggest movies ever.

that's not a bad thing. No, it's not. Okay. But you don't know that you're going through it until later. But you know, you're a star because people are gathering like where you go, like they did for Jesus. They, they gather, you know, talk about followers. I mean, seriously, you don't know you're going through that at that moment. Why? What are you in a

bubble? What are you in a space suit? What are you talking about? You don't know. You walk into a restaurant and people turn their heads and look at you. You don't realize that? I'll tell you exactly that. This is what you, the woman is walking toward you and she passes you

And as she passes, your mother or your sister is behind you. And you just fucked her. And she says, wow, that was something. And you say, what? Because she did not act out that, oh, that's the Triceratops.

until he she passed and here's how it works well that may have happened one time wait a minute it's more than that it's far more than that you're she's walking down the street and while she's in front of you she's acting studiously indifferent but the moment she passes you she goes

That's what happens after she's turned. I can't believe that all the years and decades where you were a big movie star, this is what happened every single time. I think that could have happened. Yes, that happens sometimes. And not only did it happen. Every single time. You are not a lucky guy. But it outgrew us like crazy. And...

For every great review that you got where they indicated that you were part of this new step that you've taken and you're, you didn't read those things. Why? Well, I remember reading about, I overheard Diane Cannon telling a story on Cary Grant. Who she was married to.

Yes. When Diane Cannon was a young starlet, she married a- She was married, and she said, quote- Aging but still debonair, Cary Grant. And she said, quote, you know what he does on a Sunday afternoon? He lies down on the living room floor, and he actually reads his old reviews. Wow. Cary Grant? Yeah. Yeah.

She said that? Yeah. Wow. Now, I'm at the home of Mike Mascio and his mother. And his mother was a star. His mother was in Night at the Opera. She was a young singer. The Marx Brothers. Yeah. Wow. But he had to read those on a Sunday afternoon to know. That is pathetic. I'll give you that. And I'll tell you something else.

that when he wrote his memoirs, he wrote on the cover of the memoir, everyone wanted to be Cary Grant. Even I wanted to be Cary Grant. Well, now that's just what a girl says. It doesn't make it true. That's what she says. She was bitter, bitter about our marriage.

By the way, Diane Cannon may have been in Valley of the Dolls. Wait, I'm getting a masturbation flashback. I don't know if it's about Valley of the Dolls, but definitely Diane Cannon was definitely whack material. Oh my gosh. She was in, remember The Last of Sheila? Remember The Last of Sheila? The movie? Herb Ross? Yeah. You know who wrote that? It's a genius movie written by Stephen Sondheim.

I'm not kidding. Stephen Sondheim wrote the movie that became like the template for how you do a crime thriller. He was the first one to do that where he shows the scene and then the people are talking about it later and he re-shows it from a different point of view. It's every CSI. It's everything. That was the first one to do it. It was 1974, I think. And it's James...

You know, James... I'm too stoned. He was in like Flynn. James Coburn, who was bad. He was a bad man. I loved James Coburn, right? Wasn't he fucking... Who were the guys? James Coburn was like the star who gets killed. And then Raquel Welch. Oh, talk about Spank-O-Vision. Okay. Diane Cannon. Richard Benjamin. James Mason. James Mason.

James Mason. You know, yeah. Yes, I have a great, incredible story. Roddy McDowell. It's great. It's awesome. I recommend it highly, highly. I have the best James Mason story, bar none. You have the only James Mason story. I never thought of it that way.

Go ahead. Now I'm curious. Okay. I'm invited to London to see the Royal Command performance of Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Okay. And you still don't know you're a movie star? Right. Okay. So we're in that paradigm. No, I actually did know by that moment. Well, that was 1978. That was only three years after Jaws. Right.

Did you live every second of those three years? No, you said for the first 10, 15 years, you didn't know you were a movie director. Well, it was a thing that came and went. And it did. And you have to start listening or else there'll be a quiz and you'll fail. I'm listening, but, you know, came and went. I don't know. When the Queen of England invites you to a close... Right, the Queen of England. Then you start to get the feeling that maybe you're a movie star.

And you not only get that feeling, but when you're in the cab coming from the airport and the driver says, what brings you to London, laddie? And I said, it's a command performance for Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And I've been invited because I'm in the film. And I had never seen Horizontal Tears until that minute.

What does that mean? I mean that his tears went, boom. Oh, no, I've never seen it. Wow, that is, whew. And this because of the movie or because he'd already seen the movie? He'd seen the movie and it blew his mind. No, he hadn't seen it. Oh, he just liked you. He heard about it. Oh, but he probably saw you in other things.

No, no, no. That was... But what happened was... What's the one where the... I remember it was like iconic. Everyone was doing this impression. It was really John Belushi's impression. But everyone was doing John Belushi's impression of you with, I do not like the panties on the line. Do you remember that? When everyone was doing that, I do not like the panties on the line. Yeah. It was like all over 1978. So where they took you was to...

What are the two hotels that are next door to one another? Dorchester. And the Buh. Buh. Buh. I'm not saying it's the Buh, but the Dorchester is lovely. Not cheap. And Richard Harris lived at one of them. Oh, that's the Dorchester, yes. All right.

The bar has a pool table. The bar, not the bar, and not the, but the most famous hotel in London. I can't remember the name. Well, we have a letter. What are we, detectives? I go up to the suite with my girlfriend, and I am met by the most...

excited, nervous, twitchy staff of the hotel because they're going to take my measurements and send it off to the tailor so that I can look as I should. There's a special apparel that you have to wear to get dishonor? Yeah. Like tails or something? Yeah, exactly. Right. So...

And then they send someone from the palace who gives you very strict protocol. Protocol. Yes, don't turn your back on the queen. Don't turn your back and also don't say anything until she says something. Right. And... If she farts, we all start singing. And all of this is built into the evening. Right.

And so that when she raises her hand, you raise your hand. Like a seance. Like this. Oh. And...

And you say, not ma'am and not mum, but ma'am. Oh, jeez. That would be tough to remember. It was. So where did this take place? In her special... In the suite at the... Oh, at the hotel. The queen came to the hotel? No, no. The queen's representative. Oh, I see. But you met the queen somewhere at the event itself? You'll see. I'll tell you the story. Okay. And she...

I'm told that only the people who are invited, whose name is on the invitation, are the ones that meet literally the queen. So...

You are also told not to say anything unless she says something first. Right. That's a big one. Big one. Right. So I practice, ma'am, I practice shutting up. I practice all this stuff. And I turn to my girlfriend and I say, it's not me. I'm not making these rules.

And she says, well, I should tell, because she wasn't named in the invitation. Oh, it just was plus one? So, it wasn't even plus one. It just said Richard Dreyfuss. And so. But you must have told them that you were bringing a plus one, right? Or you didn't ask? I didn't ask. Really? Yeah, I didn't ask. How long were you into this relationship, may I ask? A year. A year.

Maybe under a year. So you knew each other. Fuck yeah. Yeah, okay. And I loved her. And she was a big deal. Right. And this is like Mrs. Barbie's dream date, you know, as opposed to what, bowling? I'm going to take you to meet the queen? Thank you. This girl was bitching about that? I'll bring you into the inner circle. You're better without her because she should have been grateful instead of bitching at you. You have to say...

That you're happy that you've been invited and you'll be okay with it. And I hold it over my head. Choosies. One, two, three. Exactly. One, two, three. You know what? Like that. I always say, you want to play hard to get, then you won't get God. So this girl who was the picture of perfect innocence and beauty and Puerto Rican Catholic. Your girlfriend. Yeah. She was great.

Innocence, you say? Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact, when her father found out that she was dating me, meaning a Jew, he forced her to break up. Really? That's what broke you up? Well, that's the first one. Because you're a Jew? Yeah. He was a Catholic cab driver. What if you had just offered to be only Jewish?

But not really a Jew. I heard this the other day. Someone did that the other day. Is that you? The oldest joke in the world. Jewish. Ish. Ish. Yeah. So anyway, her name was. Well, that's a story worthy of telling. That's a tale like a modern. Damn right. You know, Romeo and Juliet. And I heard her.

Hurt her? I hurt her. But she's the one who broke up with you because of a Jew. Well, her father. Her father broke us up. Okay, but she was a sentient adult. She could have defied her father. She was a very pure 19-year-old Puerto Rican innocent. How old were you? I was 37, 38.

You know, there's a lot of people, because people are haters, are like, how ridiculous. You know, whatever works. Woody Allen, who's never had a sex scandal. Oh, wait, bad example. It's like, whatever works. Woody Allen made that movie. Larry David played Woody Allen, the most accurate...

I thought Woody, what would you call it? A hologram, whatever it is, or facsimile. Because a lot of people wrote, he wrote lots of movies where somebody else essayed the thankless task of talking like Woody Allen. I mean, lots of good actors tried it and it didn't often come out well, but Larry David was perfect. And the idea of whatever works. I mean, obviously with

the appropriate legal strictures. You don't want children involved, but 19 is not a child and women and men are

They just mature at crazily different speeds. Okay. Men are, you're barely mature at 37. If you were at all, and a woman can be very mature by 20. We're just at different places. And that's my story. And I'm sticking to it. No, I mean, what I mean is, but it is true. And also people are not their numbers. People are not, they're not numbers. They are humans. Where does it start? Where does what start?

um the misunderstanding that turns into betrayal that turns into hatred your sister no everything starts with her well i'll tell you where where when it's cow when it's still cowboys and indians and you're right yes i believe you're right boys lie like crazy women girls don't they they talk to the pack

And the PAC tells them, what you just went through is the betrayal. And now we're going to tell you exactly how to respond. And they do. Not only do they do it, but for the next 12 years they do it. And a lot of people say, well, it's space aliens and they come and take your kid for 12 years. When they took my daughter, when they took my daughter. Who took? The aliens. When they took my daughter. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. What do you think happens to kids when they're 12 years old? They're kidnapped and taken to another planet. And they're replaced by an android. Who's a lot harder to deal with. With a myth. With a fucking painful myth. And when they do that, they are the same person, but they're not. And don't let them fool you, Dad. That's not my sister. That is not my sister.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. And I'm telling you, they are trained. And the difference between boys and girls is real simple. Boys are so embarrassed by sexual problems that they treat one another only through the vocabulary of cartoons.

Hey, look at them wabos. Hey, that's all that vocabulary. And girls are mechanical engineers. And they say they know exactly how wide and how thick and how this and how they like it like such and such. What are you talking about they like? The size of a dick. Dick?

I thought that, but I didn't want to assume that you're always thinking about dicks. And that's true. That is absolutely true. But they're not thinking about dicks at that young age when the boys are watching rabbit cartoons. Well, that depends on your point of view because I think they are talking about dicks. Really? Before 10? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, if I was going to call it, I would say yes. I would. You know what? I'm sure eight year old girls have heard the song What Ass Pussy. And I'm sure that prompted a number of questions. And, you know, and mom, what's a what ass pussy? And, you know, don't ask your father. He doesn't know. Yeah.

You know, I mean, I don't know. But yes, I think today's kids are exposed to so much that you're probably right, that they, and what's on the phone, the internet, I mean, they perforce must know like things that I was just clueless about at that age. You know, I mean, one thing I am very grateful for is my very innocent upbringing.

I'm sure there are many ways it could have been better. It certainly could have been more diverse and lots of things that it wasn't back in the 1960s New Jersey suburbs. But, you know, no drug issues really in the school. No, not even divorce. No racial issues. No, just, it was just very, very leave it to be, but very innocent. And when it wasn't, it was. Everybody should be so lucky.

You know, as to not when you're when you're young and you have enough to deal with just with the normal adolescent stuff of, oh, my God, now I do have a dick and I'd love to put it somewhere. But I don't know how to, you know, talk to it. And I don't know why I want to put it somewhere. I knew why. I mean, not at first. I remember when I was first masturbating, I did not know.

like what I was doing. And I remember in the back of my mind, it was like, this could be hurting me. And then the front of my mind was like, I don't really care. It just feels good. How bad could this be for me? And I was jerking off in the dark. I wasn't like afraid to look. I was rubbing my dick against the stuffed animal that I slept with since I was two. Poor crazy. I'm telling you. And cowards. We are cowards.

Women at least talk to one another like mechanical engineers.

But boys don't. Okay. You must know different women than I do. They don't look you in the eye when they see you on the street, and they're all mechanical engineers. I think space aliens did come. I think they took you. I don't know. I don't know any women who are mechanical engineers, although I know many brilliant women. But you do know that when your daughter is, let's say, 20,

18 or 19? Well, I don't have one, thank God, but yes. Well, what happens in normal families is... Yes, normal. Is that your daughter will call you when she's 22 and she's going to say, Dad, do you remember...

those years when I didn't credit you with having any brains and that you were only my dad and that you basically knew nothing and I didn't have to respect you at all. Do you remember that? And you say, yeah, yeah, I do. And then you hit her with your Oscar. And she says, well, I just realized I was wrong. Yes. And she then says...

Anyway, so at Thanksgiving, do you want to come to my house? And I went, hold it, hold it, hold it. You're not going to get away with this that quickly because you put me through the tortures of the damned. And I don't know whether to throw you out a plate glass window or kiss you. I would say B. And but the impulse not to is big, big B.

Really big. Kids, I mean, look, you're talking about a guy who never had kids. And I was sort of like made fun of that for a while. No, married, no kids. And now I just get nothing but high fives from people because people just...

I mean, kids are horrible. They didn't used to be, but parents lost control. And of course, kids are feral. They're the kids in the Lord of the Flies. They're awful. So you have to, if you can't like civilize them or you won't civilize them, they become intolerable and they have become intolerable. So, I mean, like I know everybody thinks their kids are different. Somehow it's everybody else's kids. And yet- And let me tell you that when you have this second conversation, when they're 22-

They've just only recently been delivered back to the planet Earth. Oh, good. And that's when you say, Emily...

I just want you to know that I lived through every minute of those 10 years. And that doesn't allow me to forgive you that quickly because I don't. I mean, there's two ways to look at it. And again, you're talking to somebody from the outside who doesn't really get a vote in this. But it seems to me when you if you choose to be a parent and I assume you chose to

you are signing a deal that says you're going to have to put up with a monster for 10 years. Yes. So having signed that deal of your free will, I agree to live with a monster from the ages of 12 to 22, whatever it is. Then when they do it, I mean, you can't like hold a grudge when it's over. I think you should just be happy that it's over. Well, yes, but just as you describe it,

Nothing is that need so that there are holdovers and there are months that go by where you forget that you've already forgiven her. Do your kids watch your movies? No.

Or is this the age when they're just starting to get back into it? Oh, see, that's isn't it great that we have celluloid for you and for the rest of us, too? Because like, I mean, not just you, but definitely you contributed a great body of entertainment. And I don't care about anything else. I like entertainment. Entertainment. Yes. Do I like it better when it's intellectually nutritious? Yes. But I'll watch the Three Stooges, too.

And so your movies were entertaining 'cause they were smart and they grabbed you, but they never forgot to be entertaining. I don't think a kid appreciates that at a certain point. And the fact that you're the dad overrides that. Maybe they secretly like, "Wow, my dad is fucking Richard Dreyfuss." But it's like they can't because there's these other forces. And then you get to this other age, like you say, you get re-delivered back to earth. And now,

Now you're probably in for some great times, but you got to let go. You were a monster for 10 years. Yeah. That's what happens when you let the alien on the spaceship. Okay. We always say, don't let the alien on. Don't. But it's only microscopic. It's microscopic. Don't follow the cat. Don't follow the cat. What's that? That's an alien. Oh, right. Don't follow the cat. Don't follow the cat.

Jesus. Oh, gee. Are there any movies like that that you could have been in even? Or that you wish you were in from that era that you were like... Are you kidding me? Like you could have been in Alien. That was 1979. I could have been in Jaws. You were in Jaws. I turned it down twice. Well, that was dumb. You're lucky that they fucking... And that's... Oh, my God. I ended up in it, but only because... But why you? Why you?

Why do you think? I mean, like... Why was I picked? Yeah, like, there's great actors. You're one of them. But why did they... I mean, they could have... I mean, everybody was... Well, I think I was finally picked because I reminded Stephen of Stephen. Oh, that's so interesting. Did you see Fableman's? No, not yet. No? No. I won't tell him.

You'll like it. I mean, it's not for everybody, but it's so, you know, he's never made a movie like that, which is, I mean, you're still on good terms with him, I hope. Yeah. Okay. Well, then you'll like it, you know, and it certainly speaks to the anti-Semitism, especially in the second half that's going on around today. I mean, you know, he got some of that real punch in the nose because you're a Jew stuff. Really? Yeah. You didn't know that?

Speilberg, the director. Big Jew. I am in MGM Northfield Park Center stage three.

The Hard Rock, Northfield, Ohio, Saturday, May 20th, Sunday the 21st at the Mystic Lake Casino in Prior Lake, Minnesota. Saturday, June 3rd, The Met, Philadelphia. Sunday, June 4th, the Wind Creek Event Center in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And you have a book. Could I, oh, and you signed it for me. Thank you very much. One thought scares me. We teach our children what we wish them to know. We don't teach our children what we don't wish them to know.

So I know you are someone who thinks seriously about stuff. So I'm going to read this. I was thrilled when you asked me in 1987...

to help you figure out this crazy country of ours and be quite interested to see where you are here all these years later. You're still great to talk to. I thank you for doing this. We're not done yet. I have to. Are you kidding me? Yeah. We haven't talked about the most important thing in the world. We'll come back. We'll deal with that. But for real, I mean for real. Well. Let me tell you something.

This book represents six years of a 50-year obsession. I figured out, and I'm not kidding, I figured out what was wrong and what that wrongness was. And it was at our feet and all the time it was right in front of us and we didn't see it. And that's why I quit and went to Oxford for four years.

And when I went to Oxford, I went because I knew the answer to the biggest problem America faced. And...

I ain't kidding. - Well, let's not give it away. I see these commercials on TV or sometimes on the computer and it's like, do you want something that grows, gets rid of crab grass and makes your dick hard? And I'm like, yes, I do. And it's like, and then they just never say it. You have to like, the commercial goes on for like a half hour and then you got to send away to someplace. So that's why you have to get the book to find out that answer. Thank you for doing this. I'm telling you.

It was great to see you again. What I should do right now is take this book and point... Shove it up my ass.