Tom Green | Club Random
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Well, I don't know what you thought this program was, Mr. Green, but it's a family. It's a family show. Who's the biggest election counselor than Donald Trump? You know, he was my old boss. He fired me on The Celebrity Apprentice. I have to hear this story. Hey, Bill, how are you? Tom, Tom, listen. Oh, my gosh.

Are we wearing the same shirt? Mine's better. Good to see you, man. Yours is more like a farmer shirt. Yes, exactly. Cause I'm a farmer now. I know you are. I am a farmer. Mine's fresh. Listen, I borrowed that weed walker from you 24 years ago. I have been meaning to give it back to you. I actually got it back today. I was wondering about that. Now, for people who are wondering what I'm referring to, you used to live here. That's true. And I lived next door. Yeah. Until it burned down.

I lived here two weeks and then you burned your house down on purpose. Yeah. Well, why? It wasn't exactly the way it went, but Drew did. Yeah. I do remember, uh, having a conversation. I'd probably just moved to Los Angeles just weeks earlier. And I remember having a conversation with you through the fence once. Cause, uh,

The dog ran over there or something. Through the fence. Yeah. Just like regular people. Yeah. Just like regular neighbors. Stars are just like us. I moved here in January of 2001. Uh-huh. When did you move next door, which is now this door? It must have been in...

2000, I would say, because it was when my show was on MTV in Los Angeles. So, uh, we was drew already living here. Yes. Yes, she was. Yeah. Yeah. It was basically, so you moved into this place, but it was already here for, she already had it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, it was basically, uh, uh,

Doing my show on MTV. I just moved to Los Angeles and I was here for probably just a couple of months or something like that. Not too, too long. But yeah, it was because the place burned down. So then we moved. That was a scary thing. Now, were you here the night that that happened? Do you remember the fire? It's so funny. Two weeks after I moved in and...

Of course, you don't really know where you are in the house versus the street. You're just getting reoriented. There were still boxes in my living room. And I remember emailing my assistant and said, I think it was a Sunday. And I said, I didn't get the Sunday New York Times today. Do you have to know why?

And she emailed back, yeah, because there were 16 fire trucks on your street. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. So you must have slept pretty good through that, huh? Apparently my bedroom is, I know it now is, is on the opposite side of my house. So this property, it was, and your, this house was set quite a bit back. But yeah, you would have thought I would have heard. I don't think I'd sleep that well today. Yeah, that was a scary situation for sure. I had just gone home.

About six months earlier, I'd just gone through cancer treatment. Right. Because I had had testicular cancer while I was on MTV. So my show had ended. I fear that one. Yeah, that's not a fun one to have. But it's a good one because you don't die from it usually. Right. How did they detect it? Well, I noticed something was kind of...

I felt some pain down there in my right testicle. Actual pain? Yeah, it was a throbbing kind of sort of thing. And I went to the doctor and got checked out and that's what happened. You didn't feel anything?

Well, like, I mean, yeah, a little bit of pain. No, I mean like when you felt your – did you go, hmm, did I used to have three balls? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, well, actually, the right one had gotten significantly larger as well, which I was kind of thinking. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. So it felt like there was – So if I check my balls and they feel basically equal –

I'm okay, you think? I think so, yeah. You would feel something, some sort of a dull, aching pain is what I felt. Some people feel more pain, like sharper pain, but I felt a dull, aching pain. And then you'll go to the doctor, and sometimes they'll misdiagnose it. And so, like I was misdiagnosed initially. Is that right? Yeah, they said it was epididymitis, and they put me on antibiotics for a few weeks, and we went off and shot another show with Monica Lewinsky while we drove up to California.

flew up to Canada with her and shot a television show for MTV with her. She's felt a few balls in her day. You know, I'm just, I'm lobbing these up for you, Phil. I appreciate you taking the bait there on that one. Oh, any time. Monica Lewinsky said, well, not to get off on a tangent, not that we have an agenda here, so one could buy everything as a tangent, but

You know, I take a lot of shit for my views about medicine, which I don't think are weird at all. I'm just more skeptical, I think, than most people. And it's because, partly because, partly, and just anecdotally,

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase, "And it was misdiagnosed." And it's like, I'm not saying you guys aren't trying in the medical field. I'm not saying you're corrupt, although there is some of that. And I'm certainly not saying that everything Bobby Kennedy is right, says is right. But yes, I'm skeptical of everything.

You guys very often don't get it right. Yeah. So don't fucking look at me like, how dare you question what we in the white coats are saying? Because when have we ever gotten one wrong? A lot. You get it wrong a lot. Yeah. So no, I don't take anything you say at face value. And I'm just not going to march to whatever you say because you are the science. Yeah, I think...

Damn it, Tom. You've got me all riled up about your balls. Yes, absolutely. These aren't even my balls and I'm pissed off. Did you just make yourself a drink there? Yes, can I do it for you? I suppose I should have a drink then. Yeah, what did you have there? What did you make there? It's just tequila. Okay, that sounds good. A little rot gut.

Why not? Never heard a farmer like you? Absolutely. Canadian farmer can have a shot of tequila. Can I make you the same drink? Yeah, what are you mixing it with? This is an interesting concoction. First, we, of course, have ice. Would you like to pour your own ice? I don't want to put my hand in. No problem, no problem. Yeah, okay.

And then would you just mix it with some water or what are you putting? We will add the, I'm doing a cooking show now. Yeah. I feel like our future is, has a cooking show in it. Absolutely. I mean. That would be amazing. If it involved tequila, it's always fun. Cooking with liquor. Yeah. I'm going to call it. I mean, it's different. Okay. So then we add, this is Jing and this is because I'm a health nut. Okay. This is, I love this stuff. It's a way to make.

sparkling water into a diet soda without any of the chemicals that are in diet soda. - Okay, okay, oh yeah, sure. - But not even the stuff that's in the non-sugar ones, which are still chemical. - It's like a flavored sort of chemical. - Yes, yes, and then we add the sparkling water. Now there are some health nuts, real nuts, and anyone who is more to the left than me is nuts, of course.

who don't even think sparkling water is good for you. But you know what? There was some sort of carbon in that or something? Yeah, carbonated. I can't even remember why. I'm sure, you know, is anything as good as clear mountain water? No. But we got none of that here. What we got is liquor and a good time. That looks good. And, you know...

There we go. That looks like a nice drink there for sure. All right. Cheers, Bill. Thank you. Great to see you. Congratulations. Thank you. My fiance is here as well. Oh, I'm engaged. My fiance is out in the, in the control room. Well, I hope you're engaged to your fiance because other than that, it doesn't look like much of a commitment. Yeah.

Yeah. No, but I saw you on the front page of the New York Times, Arts and Leadership. Wasn't that something? I was like, wow, this guy is iconic. He never sorts... He always reinvents himself. The public never doesn't want to read about him or see him in whatever new iteration he's in. You know, he's a real artist. You are. I mean, when I think of like...

When you first blew up and you were like one of those rare rock star comedians, really cover Rolling Stone type stuff. Yeah, it was wild time for sure. And now you're a fucking farmer. No, but, you know, it makes sense because in life you do go through passages. You aren't the same person you are at 22. Yeah. How old are you now? I'm 53. Yeah, 53. And, you know, I'm in...

I'm not essentially...

Doing a lot of farming, really. I live on a farm. There's hay fields that we cut the hay, and I have a donkey and a mule, and I ride this mule. I didn't know anything about mules. What is the difference between the donkey and the mule? Yeah, because I actually thought they were the same before I got the mule. A mule is half horse, half donkey, so it's like a hybrid. So it's like her Fanny is her name, and her father was a mammoth donkey, and her mother was a persharon horse. Horse, half donkey.

Donkey? Half donkey, yeah. They have 62 chromosomes. A donkey has... Oh, sorry, 63 chromosomes. A donkey has 62 and a horse has 64. It might be the other way around, but one way or another, the odd number of chromosomes, the 63 chromosomes, means they're sterile, can't reproduce. So the only way you can make a mule...

Two mules won't make another mule. You can't breed mules. You have to get donkeys and horses and put them together. What's odd to me about the whole thing is that donkeys and horses fuck because the definition of a species usually is creatures that will only fuck creatures that are in, like, you know, leopards don't fuck tigers. Right, yeah. Although you'd think if you're horny one night, you'd be like,

Okay, I was looking for a tiger, but I mean, is it that different? But they don't. It's generally the male donkey.

fucking of course the female horse i know the other way around right so like the horse doesn't generally want to have sex with a i'll say it more politely have sex with a uh right with the donkey for some reason so and it's i don't know it's uh i wasn't there when it happened you know i just got i uh she was 11 10 years old when i got her but it was uh

It's been a lot of fun. Well, you say you weren't there, but I've certainly seen in enough movies, and that's where I know everything I know about farming from, where someone has to assist someone

Sure. The horse. Sure, yeah. And the sexual act. I think when you're getting two different species to procreate, there's a little bit of human interaction there. No, even if it's not two, even if it's just two horses. Yeah, yeah. You know, they want, of course, the horses to mate because they want a pony. And who doesn't want a pony for your birthday? But they have to, like...

lubricate sometimes the horse. Okay, yeah. So I'm a new farmer, so I don't know everything else. Well, I'm saying this is in your future. You're going to have to learn to jerk off a horse. I could see, you know, if you've seen Freddy Got Fingered, I mean, I know a little bit about that. Right. Oh, right. I forgot about Freddy Got Fingered. But no, it's been an amazing thing. You know, I moved back to Canada where I'm from, so I live not too far from where I grew up. My parents lived down the road.

And, you know, I...

Found this property and made it. Can we say what province this is? It's in Ontario, yeah. Yeah, sort of between Toronto and Ottawa. Closer to Ottawa, yeah. Don't tell the nuts where you live. No, no. Ontario's pretty big. Ontario's about twice the size of Texas. So they'll have a hard time narrowing it down just from that. But we're a big country up there. The future 51st state, potentially. Well, fingers crossed. Yeah, it'll be the only state in America where nobody in it wants to be American. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean. Except for Jordan Peterson, Wayne Gretzky, and that guy from Shark Tank. Well, Jordan is sat there. I'm a good. You had Wayne on yet? Yeah. Wayne Gretzky? Yeah. I know he's a hockey player. I never followed hockey. The great one. The great one. Yeah. Why? Is he a big right winger?

Well, I don't know. I do. I do know that he hangs out a little bit at Mar-a-Lago and that it may be that, uh, the, that, uh, Mr. Trump was, uh, president Trump was attempting to maybe get him to run for prime minister. Are you happier now that you're in Canada? I am actually not, it's not that I wasn't, uh, it's just a nice, it's nice to be closer to my family and, uh,

It's a nice change for sure. I like being in nature. I like being out in the... Is it something you couldn't have done unless you were getting engaged? I mean, it's a very different thing to move alone to some place. Actually, I met her there. So I met her after I moved. I moved three and a half years ago. I met her up there. And so she's Canadian and...

My life's really coming together as soon as I went back to Canada. I don't know what it is, Bill, but... Do you have kids? No kids, no. So do you think you're going to start a family now? I would like to, yeah. And what will you tell your kids you do? Because certainly you're not going to admit to being Tom Green. I mean, that certainly... I'll show them the documentary. Not until they're like 20. Yeah, exactly. You know, I don't know. I...

I'll probably tell them I'm a comedian. I, too, are doing stand-up comedy. I don't know if I'll bring them to one of my shows in the first 10 years, but maybe I'll show them the documentary that I just put out. That should explain it. What about Freddy Fingert? I'll have to wait until they're at least 14 to see that one. What was the controversy with that? I forget. I remember it was a very big...

They wrote about it a lot. What year are we talking about? We're talking about 2000, I believe it was. 2000. Oh, really? 2000, 2001. Early 2001. It was like the fire and then that. Yeah, it was right. A lot of things happened in close succession. You should have read your horoscope that week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mercury was in retrograde or some shit like that. You know, a lot of good things happened. A lot of weird things happened. You know, I mean, the fact that they let me direct the movie and do this movie when I was just on MTV. Why were people so mad about it? I think it was just, I mean, it's a good question because it's kind of gotten a little bit of a... Resurgence. Yeah, people actually say they like it now. Over time. Time is great for that. Yeah, yeah. It was one of these things where it was obviously, it was a very...

I pushed the envelope as far as the outrageousness in the scenes, and it was very silly. I don't know if there was a feeling of why was I directing this thing, or I don't know. It's really hard to say. It was one of those things, though, where I had that

opening weekend experience where there was all of this anticipation. We were all really excited about it. We thought it was pretty funny. We enjoyed it. And then when the Roger Ebert came out and did his review of it, it was kind of like,

oh, that's not very good, is it now? So it was sort of very disheartening. Tom, explain to the kids out there this Roger Ebert you speak of. Yeah. So back in the olden times, I'm sorry.

Three movies would come out every weekend, and it was very important that you went to the right one and spent your money in the right place. So they would have these critics who would advise you on how to spend your hard-earned dollar. So people would watch that as a television show? They would watch critics talk about movies? On this thing called television, of course, yeah, absolutely. And they were very respected, their opinions. Would they tell you which movies had done best at the box office that week?

Yes, they would. That was a big thing. And I remember there were people who complained about it. We shouldn't know because we should just be able to decide on the merits of the movie and not by, oh, it's number one. Of course I'm going to see the number one movie, as if I ever did that. As if I ever looked at it and went, well, it's number six. I don't know. It's Kubrick, but it's six. The head of the studio, New Regency,

Arnon Milchon. I don't know if you know Arnon. Of course I know of him. He took me aside after the Roger Ebert negative review and told me, you know, my very first movie, Tom, was King of Comedy, and Roger Ebert destroyed it. And 20 years later, he actually was the only movie he's ever reversed his opinion on it. That's a Martin Scorsese movie. Exactly. But funnily enough, he did kind of

A few years later, Ebert did kind of give a little bit of a, not a complete reversal, but he said, well, I'm still thinking about that movie. There's something weird about it. But what did Gene Siskel say? Well, it was actually Ebert and Roper. Remember there was a short period of time there where it was Roper. And he didn't like it either. So, but it wasn't really, it's weird because, you know,

Well, it's very much like stand-up in a lot of ways. You can sort of choose to shock or polarize your audience or...

maybe purposefully push half of the audience away for the entertainment of the other half of the audience. This is what I thought we were doing. We were making this movie that was going to be so weird that maybe half the audience would get up and walk out of the theater and then the half that remained would be sitting there like they were in on the joke, right? People like you and me never have the whole audience. And very few people do. And that's okay. It's a big country. But

I mean, I get it the way you're explaining. To me, it's like, that's what an artist does. I make the movie I think is funny. And some people are not going to like it. And I know that going in. And that's okay. Because I'm not playing to them. I mean, that's what I go by. Yeah. And I think with that movie, part of it was...

I guess we kind of felt like part of the punchline was the fact that some people just weren't going to get it. Like that was kind of the punchline, you know, like this was so stupid that like, how could you have made something so stupid and then get people get angry about it? And that's what's funny. And so I was surprised that, that Roger Ebert and Roper, uh, weren't able to kind of sort of

step back a bit and go, some 28-year-old kid who's just, you know, fell off the turnip truck here in Los Angeles, and he's trying to make a weird movie, and let's, you know, maybe understand that this isn't, you know, he wasn't trying to make the jazz singer. You know, this is supposed to be stupid, but instead it was just sort of treated as it was not a successful... I'm sure you're a fan of Spinal Tap. Sure, yeah, absolutely. And of course, there's the great line in Spinal Tap where he says...

It's a fine line between clever and stupid. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. When they're accused of... Yeah.

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and didn't understand it was a mockumentary at all. They just took it at face value and went, well, this band isn't very good. Yeah, that's amazing because that was sort of, you know, what year would Spinal Tap have been? Early 80s? Oh, early 80s? Late 70s, early 80s, mid 80s? Not 70s. Mid 80s then. Early 80s?

I don't know what year it came out. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it's Rob Reiner's first movie, right? Yes, let's just say 80s. It's kind of amazing to think that people would have actually believed it was real. I remember when I started my show in the 90s and I was pulling pranks on my parents, people didn't understand that they were not actors at first. They thought, oh, those...

People would say, are those your real parents? You know, they hadn't sort of been inundated with reality TV yet. So they were sort of unable to sort of process the fact that some kid would go, you know, paint pornography in his parents' car or paint their house. And so they just thought they were actors, which blew me away because, I mean, they obviously weren't actors. It was obviously pornography.

home video kind of thing yeah I mean it was I feel like a bridge to something like Borat yeah it was like just before that right just before that yeah so it was yeah

So let me ask you this. When did you decide you wanted to do a second TV show in your living room here? Well, of course, it's not my living room. I bought your house. Sure, sure, sure. So this was always a strange thing.

This building. Many people told me to tear it down. I mean, I didn't buy the house directly from you. Somebody else bought it for a few years and I bought it from him. So up top is a tiki bar. I was told Drew put that in. Okay. Yeah, I'm not sure. I don't actually recall ever being in this room. Really? Yeah, it might have been the second after me this was built or maybe...

I don't know. I'm not sure. No, I think this was here when you were. Okay. I think you were just stoned and didn't see it. Really? You don't remember? You know, I did not smoke marijuana when I was making my show back in the day. I was like afraid of it. I was like this uptight kid who didn't smoke marijuana. I do occasionally now, but back then I was not. You don't want it? Maybe I'll wait a little bit because I might stop. I'll make even less sense than I make now. They used to be so...

uptight about just mentioning stuff. I mean, it was like, I'm trying to think of what an analogy for today would be, like pedophilia or something, just like

you know, just, just Nazism. It wasn't amped up anti-drug era in the eighties with the, this is your brain on drugs and Nancy Reagan and the egg and the frying pan. And it's like, that's my brain in a frying pan, frying my brain. So yeah, I can see why people would have been a little worried about it with that sort of being constantly plugged into our minds. But, but, um,

It was a billboard, I remember, on the way to LAX back when I was often on that road, you know, that road that connects like the 405 to LAX. Okay. I can't remember it. Right, right, yeah. But I was on it a zillion times and there was a billboard.

And it was, you know, like one of those, this is your brain, but it was about Coke. And it showed a line. Every time I saw it, I was like, you know, I'm not even a Coke head and I want to do some Coke now. Yeah. I mean, just seeing the line of Coke. Right. It's sort of like an ad for cocaine. Yeah, it's like seeing the egg. I want eggs. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Do you have chickens? I have chickens, yeah. Well, let me tell you, you can make a killing right now. I've been thinking about this, getting into the egg business. Maybe you and I could work something out. I mean, I'm here in America still. You could get it to me. You could be my egg distributor, my dealer. I'll be the... Well, it's amazing how many eggs...

a few chickens will lay. Like, I don't eat a ton of eggs, so I don't actually go... I have six chickens, and I have these other guinea hens, they're called, which are sort of like a cross between a quail and a turkey, but they run around the property and they eat a lot of bugs and stuff. It's not quail and turkey fucking now, is it? No, they're actually... I mean, I don't think that's where they actually... They look like that, but they're actually their own distinct species called guinea hens. They eat a lot of ticks,

A guinea hen will eat thousands and thousands of ticks and bugs a day, so they clear out the whole property of all these. You have ticks up there? Well, you know, we didn't until five years ago. Global warming, climate change has, they've moved north. They've been in the U.S., of course, forever, but they come up from Pennsylvania and New York on the deer. But five years ago, there were no ticks in Canada, so that's, climate change is real. That is one you don't want, brother. Yeah, no. Is Lyme disease. The Lyme disease, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

I would never go anywhere near any place that had ticks. I mean, I don't know what I'll do if they come here, and they probably will. They aren't in California, I guess. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Well, there are still some at the Morris office. No, I'm kidding. I'm actually with them now. I'm making fun of my own agency now. I forgot. It sounds better at the Morris office. It does. It's more old school, you know. It was what I heard when I was a kid. I thought it was so cool to be in show business when George Burns or somebody would say like, you know, the Morris office. And I would think, oh, gosh. Yeah.

Absolutely. If I could one day. I remember when my show was on MTV, I was signed to the William Morris Agency. Yeah. It was... It's like when you watch Danny Thomas as a kid. That's like who his agent was. That's all you knew as a civilian. Right. About agencies. Yeah. Who would have thought that they would have wound up being...

William Morris Endeavor. Yeah, it doesn't have the same ring to it, but... No, it's not the Morris office of old, but that's probably good. But I get about... If I go in the chicken coop, back to this egg deal we're working on. Yes. And I haven't had a... I haven't gone in there for a few days. I'll go in there, there'll be like 45 eggs in there. Like, each chicken is laying one or two eggs a day. And so, you know, if you...

If you have six chickens, you definitely will never be able to eat all the eggs that those six chickens will produce. It is amazing to think that if we weren't a species that was so into chicken abortions, the world would be overrun with chickens. Every egg we ate had become a chicken.

You know, the thing is, well, you know, they're not fertilized yet unless you have a rooster. So they're not really... Oh, is that right? I don't know if it would be considered a chicken abortion until the... So I don't have a rooster.

So if you don't have a rooster, then the eggs are never going to hatch. What does the rooster do to the egg? Well, I think it just fucks the chicken, actually. But then the egg comes out, and it's a fertilized egg, and there's an embryo in it. It's like a great sex ed class right now, Bill. You know what a chicken does. A rooster does to a chicken. I know, but one—

I do, but it's before the egg. Once the egg comes out, it's ready to hatch. That's the difference with the chicken. The egg hatches outside the body, but it still has to be fertilized, I think, beforehand. So if you don't have a rooster, you never have a fertilized egg. By the way, I didn't know any of this shit until three years ago either. So I have chickens now, so I know a lot of this stuff. So the rooster does stud service for the entire...

- Bunch of hens? - Yeah, I mean, if you have a rooster, then you'll get fertilized eggs, but then the chicken still has to sit on it and incubate it for a period of time before it hatches. So even if you have a rooster, you can still get your eggs. - That must be where the connection is with calling a cock.

after a rooster. Sure, absolutely, yeah. I think so. It must be. Well, of course it must be. I haven't thought about that, but it must be. It must be. Why would it not be? Tom, you're so reasonable. I can't believe people think you're a weirdo. It makes sense to me, yeah. You know, well, it depends who you ask. It depends who you ask. It's so funny that you go from like,

Ultimate weirdo to like ultimate non-weirdo. It's a great arc. I thought that like there's so much weird shit on the internet now. Right. You got it right. You get up in the morning, you pick up your phone, you're seeing like violence and, you know, Karens getting, you know, chased through malls and screaming at people and everyone fighting. Right. And, you know, so are you going to compete with that?

Right. Or, no, I thought maybe the weirdest thing that I could do is to go do something really normal. You're so right. Become a farmer. Zig when they zag. Absolutely. You know, that's it. And there's a lot of comedy in my new show. I mean, my parents are on it. It's just more situational. So it's you and Nicole Richie.

Simple life type thing. That's what it is. It's a little bit like that. It's Ava Gabor, but you. It meets the simple life. Do you remember Green Acres? That's, we were almost, we almost called the show Green Acres, but because, you know, but, but it was taken. But. Wasn't that great? You know, that was a little before my time, not to date myself. You should watch them. Yeah. It

I remember watching reruns of it. I was more of a Beverly Hillbillies kind of guy. There's a layer to Green Anchors that's very sophisticated. It was almost surreal because, you know, the plot was, of course, Oliver...

Eddie Albert played him. He's a New York, you know, I guess he was a lawyer or something. He's wearing three-piece suits. Marries Ava Gabor, who's darling, but she's hot. And she wants to live in the... Oh, no, he wants to live in the country. She's like, oh, fuck it. We're leaving Park Avenue for the country, but he wants to... He has this thing in his head about... And so...

All the people around him on the farm and in the town, they're all like insane. He's the only sane one there. And yet they also vibe with the wife because she's insane in her way. So they kind of meld, even though she hates being in the country. And he's just like this, the sane guy in the middle. And it's really very well scripted. I think you would be impressed. It was, you know,

It was sort of the opposite of the Beverly Hillbillies, right? I mean, I think that show was funny too, and it had a similar thing where the hillbillies would, in their own way, meld with some people he wouldn't expect. But yeah, it was more just misunderstandings of the cement pond and what things were and

But I feel like the writing back then, those writers were good.

Those green gene shows that they used to call them on CBS, that's what kept CBS alive for years. It wasn't just the Beverly Hillbillies and Greenacres. There was also Petticoat Junction. Okay. I've heard of it. And they were all sort of, and Andy Griffith. Right. Watched that quite a bit. They were all sort of, and they all kind of like cross-pollinated at a certain point with the ones on the other shows. I think it was all taking place like in North Carolina.

I'm sure it looks very racist today. But it was shot probably in the parking lot at CBS Radford or something. Of course it was. And it wasn't overtly racist. It's just that there weren't black people in existence in their world. The 60s and the South. I mean, they're just...

But that's where the world was. I mean, yes, even liberals didn't think it was the wrong thing. So nobody should fucking look back to the past and go, oh, we're better than you. No, you just came later.

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babbel.com slash Spotify podcast spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Spotify podcast. Rules and restrictions may apply. It's interesting living in Canada as a Canadian, having lived here and then moved back to Canada. And, you know, with these tariffs that are being implemented or threatened at least,

People are obviously very upset in Canada about this. Now it's going to completely decimate the economy. And of course, it's going to have a same sort of effect on the American economy in a lot of ways. It's a terrible idea. So it really doesn't make a lot of sense. No sense. But then...

You know, there's a hockey game, U.S. versus Canada this week, and the Canadian crowd booed the American national anthem, of course. Now, this was not a very nice thing to do normally. That's from my garden. Okay, I'll give that a try. Where you used to live. Under a normal set of circumstances, I don't think the Canadians would boo the American National Anthem. But they did. Not that I love everything that's been going on in Canada under Trudeau, because I don't. You did legalize weed, though.

That was one thing he did. I love that. But he also resigned, so. Good. He was super woke. Yeah. To a degree I can't hang with.

I mean, there is a thing about that should be very important to someone like you, Tom, freedom of speech. There is a level of hostility to freedom of speech that's going on. And, of course, the Republicans are criticizing it now, but they have no leg to stand on because they're not for it either. But there are things going on in Europe right now where they canceled an election in Romania.

because the wrong people won, and I'm sure they were the wrong people. But you know what? Once you start canceling elections, and again, Republicans, no standing to make this case because who's the biggest election canceler than Donald Trump? He tried every which way to cancel the 2020 election, still hasn't conceded it. You know, he was my old boss. He fired me on The Celebrity Apprentice. I have to hear this story. Yeah, because I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman on the night I was the project manager.

First of all, just Dennis Rodman is hysterical and that you were drinking with him. Yeah, well, it was after we weren't taping the show. We were done for the day. I had a big job. I was the project manager. You've seen the show before? You know, it works. You have to sort of compete business tasks. I never watched that show. It's a business competition. And I sort of fancied myself a pretty good businessman. We had to build a wedding dress store.

And we were competing, the guys versus the girls. I had to sell more wedding dresses than Joan Rivers and Khloe Kardashian and her team. And I had Clint Black and Herschel Walker and Dennis Rodman on my team, right? And so it was very serious, right? But then after the, you know, I could tell we were kind of going to lose because my team sort of mutinied against me. Scott Hamilton as well, Olympic gold medalist. They kind of wanted to lose and then get me fired. And so...

So I was kind of a little upset about that. So I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman after the show that night. And I guess we were a little hungover in the boardroom the next day. And the president fired me. The president of the United States fired me. Well.

You know, going out drinking with Dennis Rodman, I have to say, is not something that recommends somebody as an employee. Again, that's just my thing with Trump. It was worth it, though. I'm not going to pre-hate everything. Firing you, I feel like, was the right move. Yeah, you're probably right. It was not a business-like thing to do. You know—

Now, you can't trust anything he says because, like, the next day he changes his mind or whatever. But I think he said last week he wanted to cut the defense budget by 50%. I've been saying that for years. Am I going to hate it now because he says it? That would be hypocritical. Right. Or get rid of nuclear weapons. Or get rid of the penny. Yeah, we don't need those. Well, we can't get rid of nuclear weapons unilaterally, but we should reduce them. I think he was talking about trilateral.

China, Russia, U.S. plan to lower them. But I have to know, politics aside, like Dennis Rodman. Yeah, back to this. As a very curious, I remember, of course, I'm a basketball fan. You remember the court. Was that here when you were here? The basketball court? You don't remember that, Ethan? Tennis court.

Okay, same thing. Yeah, it was a tennis court. Ben made it into a basketball court. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, what was I going to say about? We were talking about. Oh, basketball, Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman, yeah. Big basketball player. So I remember Dennis Rodman as a player. Best rebounder. Yeah, I remember I was in Chicago for some reason in 1996 when they won the championship. The night they did, and I went to this club where they were partying. I met him.

On a championship night, like in the VIP room, it was like, wow, it's really cool being a celebrity. The show had only been on a couple of years, and I was like, wow, this is great. He was a lot of fun. We became friends when we were there on the show. He was the only one that was kind of

sort of not really uptight about the game. He was having fun with it. These reality shows are pretty nuts. I assume you've never been on one of these kinds of shows. I got asked to do it, so I did it. It seemed like a fun thing to do. And it was fun to do. But it is sort of like a...

Stanford prison experiment type of situation. That's exactly what it is. And it's clearly purposely orchestrated like that. It's not unintentionally so. I mean, they'll put the celebrities, we'll put the celebrity apprentice, it was called, right? So they'll put the celebrities in a room, a room kind of like this, but it'll be Dennis Rodman and Herschel Walker and Clint Black and Brian McKnight.

and Scott Hamilton and myself and a couple other people. And then it'll be a day, you know, a television shooting day. Everyone will come in at, you know, nine in the morning, eight in the morning, and there'll be cameras all around, locked off with, you know, no camera people in there. And then they just basically don't give you anything to do for like way too long, like four hours. And there's like, there's a cheese plate and a coffee. Yeah. And then people just

And there's a competition that has some rules and there's a bit of a hierarchy that they create within the group because there's a project manager who becomes the leader of that group. And then people disagree with the leader and they all form these little sort of Lord of the Flies type sort of groups. And then they film it and it's…

Pretty hilarious, you know, usually, and I think that's why people enjoy it. But being actually in there and being actually, you know, you don't want to be piggy, you know. It does seem, Lord of the Flies, it's so right. It does seem like a lot of reality television in America is about pitting people against each other. Yeah, absolutely. We're a cockfighting, loving nation. People who would not normally, perhaps. Yeah.

be fighting. Exactly. They study this. I don't know for certain, but I would assume they have studied the science of it and they figure out exactly who's in there and

You know, what would get them mad at each other? Do you think they cast it that way also? I think they cast it that way. I think they put a bunch of people in there that would probably be, you know, maybe a little bit nutty. People like myself and Dennis Rodman and Scott Hamilton. Everyone knows Scott Hamilton's a bit of a wild man. So you were allied with – you had an alliance with Dennis Rodman. That was – you were a – Well, so – well, to break down the actual game –

because it did get pretty serious there for a bit. So in the second episode, first episode of my season, each episode, someone gets fired. Okay. First episode, Andrew Dice Clay, my good friend, who I'm sure you know very well, got fired. He got fired for, he was a bit, it was a bit aggressive with Donald Trump when he asked for, in the first, in the first episode, Dice kind of

was a bit aggressive with Donald Trump because there was not enough butter for the bagels in the green room. And he got angry about it in the boardroom on the show. My guess is he actually didn't get angry about it. My guess is he sort of

Well, I think he was doing it for fun, you know? I think he likes to play the character of Andrew Dice Clay. That's a character. Absolutely. I'm very good friends with Dice, too. But that's not really him. Yeah, I know. And sometimes he just lets the character drive the bus because it's more fun for the character to be mad about the bagels than for him to be a reasonable person. It was hilarious. I mean, it was so funny. I mean, it was kind of...

Probably not what you would really do if you were going to try to win the game, to start complaining immediately. What do you get if you win? I think you win money for a charity of your choice. That's what it was, yeah. Why even try? Exactly, yeah. Yeah, well, it quickly becomes a point of pride to the people in there about trying to prove that they are...

What was your charity? Sick kids? It was a cancer charity. So you fucked a bunch of kids because you and Dennis Rodman wanted a drink. No, no, no, no, no. By that point, I knew I was not going to be – because I had an alliance against me, you see.

Bill and Alliance again. So my team had sort of turned on me and decided to get me fired. So I basically just, I threw in the towel pretty much and said, okay. A rough few years, bro. Yeah, it was funny. Fire, divorce, Trump. By the President of the United States. By the President of the United States. Bad reviews from Roger Ebert. This was, something was going on in your horoscope. I'm telling you.

Those were kind of, in hindsight, as I look back on it, they become kind of funny, those things. Those are some of the funniest things that happened. When you think of what to overuse a term that's overused,

kind of life we live where what we do is something we basically consider to be fun. So do we work? Yeah, we work. But I've also had jobs when I was younger. That was work. In other words, I fucking hated it. I didn't want to throw triangles of fish product into a vat of grease. Is that something you did? Did you ever work as a short order cook somewhere or fast food? Have you ever done that? No, I'm great.

I worked at Dairy Queen. I'm bragging about my, yes, of course. Which one? Where? Which, McDonald's? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips, cool. In Ithaca, New York. Arthur Treacher was this old British actor who was Merv Griffin's announcer, like sidekick, like Ed McMahon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was enough in this day to,

I guess this is the 70s. That was enough for Arthur Treacher to have gotten himself a franchise because he was British. Yeah, yeah. A franchise of...

It was like a Kenny Rogers roaster. Exactly. Except he wasn't that big a star. Yeah, yeah. But they had, it was a viable restaurant. It was a fast food shithole that I worked in, yes. And so would you deep fry the fish in a fryer? It would, your arms would be chapped and with a uniform, you know, with shorts. And your arms would have long sleeves.

Because the grease would come up, you'd be burns on your arms. Yeah, I know that. I used to cook, I got fired because I miscooked a chicken burger at Dairy Queen. These kids who get offended at microaggressions, not that I'm a Marine. I mean, people have had way harder lives than me for lots of reasons. That's definitely not the worst thing that could happen is getting a little chicken grease on your arm.

It really hurt. And then you'd have just all these red marks on your arm. Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. I'm not saying it's... At a time of my life when I was, you know, thinking about asking a girl out, it wasn't the greatest thing to approach her with red marks all over my arms. Right, right. But you had a few bucks, though. I didn't. Because you were working. I went from that to selling pot in six months. That was my last... More lucrative?

Way more lucrative and way more fun. Yeah, that's cool. I didn't smoke until I was a sophomore in college. But I went from first smoking it to selling it in six months. Yeah. Because I couldn't afford it otherwise. See, the...

I have honestly not, like, I did not, when I first ever tried that, I was kind of later, maybe I was in my 20s, and it made me sort of have a panic attack in a way. I found very paranoid the first time I ever smoked marijuana. Well, it can. So why does it do that? You asked me before about eating it. Yeah. That's another reason. Right. It makes you kind of paranoid? Well, yeah.

It's just a more, it's more like tripping. It's a, it's a five, six hour experience, which I'm not up for. Yeah. Too much energy required. I don't have six hours to give to your trip, you know? And, uh,

Yeah, you can be almost too high sometimes. It's just, you can't control it. And for a control freak, it's just not, it doesn't work. Exactly. And I've tried to make it work. It's a fear of a loss of control. So why does that not always happen though? Why does it happen when people eat that, not when you smoke at them?

I mean, everybody's different, you know? I'm having a beer, by the way. Please do. Do you drink beer, Bill? I fucking hate beer. You hate beer, huh? I do. I really do. Why? Why do you hate beer? You just never got into it? It stinks. It's like, it's cheap. It's cold. It's cheap. It's like low-level percent. It's an art form to make beer, you know? I don't know how they do it, but I know it's... It's German, you know...

barley and stuff in there and oh yeah yeah all beer tastes different different kind of you know you know this is a yeah and i saw this is a lager nice i know i could i could drink it it doesn't like make me wretch yeah but the idea of of drinking something with only like 12 alcohol or something there's not enough alcohol well if you're drinking you're drinking to feel the effect whatever it does like i always think it

kills, say, 5% of my brain cells. Not permanently, perhaps, although I guess they are permanent. Okay. But at the moment, 5%. And for some reason, that makes you, in a way, smarter sometimes. In many ways, stupider, of course. Drunks do the worst things. But if you could control it, just why do people have a couple of drinks at dinner?

I think it takes down a tension level in people. Absolutely. And it makes you just more you. But a beer with the 12%, it's still kind of a slower kind of tension. It's just a little more, you know. To me, it's almost like I'm rehydrating a little bit with a beer. It's almost like a glass of water sometimes, you know.

you don't have to think of it like you're just drinking it to get drunk or whatever right with beer it's sort of more like just a I just come on Bill have a beer I just have one I just saw this great show I gotta say I'm a big Billy Bob Thornton fan anyway I mean even if he'd only ever done Bad Santa I'd love him he's done a lot of great stuff and his band is great I've always been a fan but

I was in an episode of The Trailer Park Boys with Billy Bob Thornton. What's that? Canadian legends, The Trailer Park Boys. Do you know them? I don't. They're very funny. You have to have The Trailer Park Boys down here on the show. What does that mean? Well, it's a TV show up in Canada. The Trailer Park Boys? Yeah, it's been a hilarious show. On now? It's been on for a long time, but it's like kind of... Yeah, it's on now too, for sure, yeah. You know, my earliest years in comedy were when SCTV was on. Right. And I would...

I had one of the first, I guess, the first generation, certainly, of something I could tape off TV. It was like this big. Right. You'd record it on a VHS tape? Yes. Or a beta? A VHS tape. A VHS tape, yeah. And you would, just like with the old tape recorder, you would have to push like two buttons at the same time to press and play or something. Yeah, yeah.

Record and play, yeah. So it was on Saturday night, SCTV, and that was always a big night to be out at the clubs. Yeah. But at the end of that night, I would be like drooling in the cab going home. Just to go home and watch that VHS tape. Because I'm going to rewind and watch SCTV. Yeah. It was like just on a level that was...

And that, so that would have been, how old were you when you were watching SCTV? Were you, were you? 23. Yeah. You know, my first year in comedy. Yeah. And living in, or, or no, I guess I was, yeah, probably. I'm, I'm picturing it in the apartment. I, I got my main apartment there, which was not a nice place. Um, but I didn't have the dots on my arms anymore. So it evened out. Um,

But yeah, so yeah, 79, 80, around there, 80, 81. I mean, early 20s and just at that part in your life where I've never had more anxiety because it was like, am I gonna go anywhere in this crazy job I've picked for myself? - Right.

And if not, what? And can I be happy doing anything else? Because I always kind of, as a kid, I kind of knew I'm not going to be happy doing anything else. That's a lot of pressure on yourself. And so, yeah, I felt that way. Did you have a backup when you were starting? I didn't really have much of a backup plan because, I mean, I went to school for broadcasting, so I knew I was going to work.

I wanted to do something technically, at least. I guess I could have done more technical side of the business, too. I do like camera work and editing and stuff like that. That might have been... But, yeah, so it's terrifying. You look like a director. Well... You do. What does that look like, exactly? I know you have directed lots of stuff, but I'm just saying you just look like a director. Yeah, well, I... Much more than a farmer. Yeah, well, it's...

Yeah, so when you get to interview the cast members of SCTV for the first time, how old are you when you first interviewed Martin Short? And what was that like? Well, Martin Short's become a great friend of mine. Sure, so when the first time you met him, though, was it just kind of an incredibly sort of weird experience for you? I'm guessing you haven't seen this. You should look this up on wherever you YouTube it. But I had a book out last year. So I was like...

in the one-on-one interviews section of the show we do after I do a monologue, it's very often an author. You know, it's a topic. It's a single topic.

And it can be an iconic celebrity. It can be the governor or whatever. But yeah, if somebody has like an amazing book, like Jonathan Haidt has this amazing book that's been on the charts for years, you know, The Anxious Generation about kids and phones and all that shit. But I was like, okay, but now I'm the person with the book. Can I have someone interview me and I'm the guest? Yeah.

Well, Jiminy Glick did it for me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm telling you, it's like the funniest 10 minutes. I mean, I'm just playing straight, man. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just, I did do my part well, but that's just because I understand that

what's going on here yeah and it's you had the vhs tape get out yes get out of the way and let the genius do his thing and just and of course just play everything straight as if he's a person who deserves deserves an answer i mean his first question was why go after harriet tundman

Right. I mean, I was, I had to have a tissue box there for, I couldn't, you know, he is, there is a genius to Martin Short that really, he deserves all the accolades he gets. And it's probably you relate to that character because you probably would like to be Jiminy Glick sometimes when you're interviewing people, I would think, right? Would that be kind of a dream to be able to just sort of

one night come out and just say... Yeah. Well, just because it's silly. Yeah. Because it's, I mean, it's like the comedy of silly, you can't beat it. You can't beat getting someone giggling, you know? Do you remember when you saw a talk show for the first time? Who was it? And who was your favorite talk show host from before 1980?

Johnny Carson. Johnny Carson. Okay. That was my era. I mean, I was a little... Of course, it would be. Other than Johnny Carson, I guess I would say. Oh. We'll talk about Johnny Carson. I mean, he was so, you know, the Zeus of the universe that everybody... I mean, look, one of my great friends in life was Alan Thicke. Yeah, I knew him. Came with me on my first... Canadian.

My first Hawaiian excursion I did for 12 years, I did a thing in Hawaii over New Year's and he was on that first trip with us. Loved him. He tried. And Alan, you know, people never really appreciated what an amazing, dry, sophisticated wit he was. Because he was known as the sitcom dad. Yeah, yeah. You know, but that wasn't Alan. Alan was like...

slyly, the most hysterical guy. In Canada, he had a talk show, I believe it was before the one he had in the U.S. too, so we grew up with Alan Thicke on TV.

a lot more even. Let me tell you an Alan Thicke story that's so funny. He did a show, Thick of the Night, right? Oh, yes. Thick. I have the T-shirt. He got me the T-shirt. Yeah, he was hilarious. I got to interview him a couple of times on my web podcast show that I did. Oh, you did? Yeah, so I got to. Oh, he was a Canadian icon. The best, yeah. Oh, I loved him. So listen to this. I remember meeting him one night and he was newly engaged to Tanya, his third wife. Okay.

I think she was Miss Columbia. Okay. Barry Allen. Okay. A beauty pageant winner. Okay. You know, but they were like, I mean, it was hysterical because it was like NAFTA. The dry...

unflavable Canadian and then the Sofia Vergara character, you know, and I love Tanya. She's awesome. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, she's Colombian and fiery and so it was just hysterical to have them on the trip. But I remember when they got... I met them at a restaurant. It was just me. I don't know why I was... But, yeah, I loved him. I saw him a lot. And she's like...

She wanted me to notice that she finally got the engagement. Yeah, sure. And it was like, you know, girls do that. Okay. So then we were joking about that. Okay, great. Congratulations. We were talking about it. At the time, his kid was like four years old, three or four years old, Carter. And...

He was playing hockey with that kid who was then 18 when he died. Yeah, yeah. So Canadian. Yes. To die playing hockey. At least a very Canadian way to go. You should get a special Valhalla salute for that. Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I'm asking Alan about the kid, and he loves Tanya. That's great. I said, does he understand sex yet? And Alan said...

I don't think so. But he knows it has something to do with the diamond. He knows it has something to do with the diamond. Oh, okay. Well, you know.

That's funny. He was a great guy. He was a great guy. Canadians, man. It's tough when... The roster is like so impressive. I got to know Norm MacDonald when he came to my web show. And he's from my hometown of Ottawa. He grew up blocks away from each other. But he was not at the same time. He was a bit older than me. But I remember I saw him for the first time at Yuck Yucks when I was a kid. I would go down to Yuck Yucks and he was performing before he was on Saturday Night Live.

Yuck Yucks in? In Ottawa. I would see him in Ottawa. Where? What city? Ottawa. Oh, Ottawa. The capital. The capital. That's where I'm from. Yeah. And Yuck Yucks is, you know, Mark Breslin probably. Why didn't I get that gig? You know, well, you have to be from Ottawa and then you probably. Oh, really? They didn't have American comics? No. Because we played.

I played Montreal and Toronto. Yeah, no, for sure. It was a lot of Canadian comics just started at Yuck Yucks. I played Winnipeg. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's... Which one did you play? Have you played in the clubs there or Rumors? I mean, it was 1992. You ever play the Rumors Comedy Club in Winnipeg? Shout out to Rumors Comedy Club. It's a great comedy club. It's been there since the 80s. That's probably what I was playing. Yeah, I think for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Winnipeg's... Did you enjoy your time in Winnipeg or were you just kind of in and out? Yeah.

I did. I'm not going to tell the story, but I actually had a great time. But, I mean, the reason I got there does not favor well on Winnipeg, but that's not their fault. I only got there because my house had to be tented. Right. And I called my agent and I said...

Get me a gig fast. Well, we got Winnipeg. Okay, whatever. Let's go. That kind of thing. That's cool. Exactly. Well, I've had a lot of fun in Winnipeg. It's good. Go Jets, Canadian city. Well, Canadians. I don't know there's really a reason why their team is called the Jets, by the way. The hockey team is the Winnipeg Jets, but-

I don't think there's really a lot of jets or anything in Winnipeg. I love Canada. I love the people. I have some serious connections with friends there. And I remember moments there that would never happen in America, like somebody refusing a tip. Right. I remember somebody doing that, pushing the money back and saying, you've been generous enough. And I said...

You know, in America, you could be arrested for that. Refusing money? Yeah. Yeah, that is. Boys? Yeah. You've been to every city in Canada probably, right? I've been, no. But certainly, on the tour, it was always Vancouver. Toronto. You've been to Toronto. Of course, Toronto. You love Toronto. Vancouver. You've been to Vancouver. Yes. Toronto, Vancouver. Have you been to Ottawa, the capital? No, no, no. I'm saying I've never played Ottawa. I don't think you have been to Ottawa. You've got to come to Ottawa. Montreal.

Well, I'm not doing it anymore, so... You're not going on the road anymore? Yeah, I just stopped. I did hear you say that, but I wasn't sure if I believed it or not. But you're like 100% stopped or just like slow? Well, you can still go and do a couple shows a year if you want. You know what? I really feel you can't because...

You have to be in practice to do stand-up, at least the way I want to do it. Because you would feel, every time you got up, you'd feel like you were not in a groove. For 42 years, I've had an act. Like, there was my life on TV, and then there was my act. There was stuff that bled between them. It was very good. How often are you, I mean, I don't know if people like to talk about, hear about writing and stand-up sets, but how often do you try to

slide that material out or do you keep some jokes for years? I never try. I never try. Yeah. But I mean, well now I don't even have to worry about it cause I'm not doing it. But for years. But hypothetically, we're still doing it. There was things, there was, there were, I'm not going to say there aren't things that, um, were written for real time that didn't wind up in my act. There are. Um, but mostly I wrote that myself. Mm hmm.

It was just too, stand-up is just much more personal than like doing a monologue each week, which is really just about the events of that week. It's very impermanent, you know?

Stand it back. I just did a special. I mean, they can watch that for years. Not everything I'll like. It takes a lot out of you just having to exude that kind of emotional energy live every weekend. No, I like that part. Is it the anticipation of it? Is there anxiety that you get before the show? The travel. It's exhausting. It's like...

You know, when I said I wasn't going to do it at the end of last, well, the beginning of last year, so we didn't book anything for this year. All year,

I kept thinking, oh my God, I'm not going to be doing this after this. You know, there's eight more gigs. There's six more gigs. There's four more gigs. That's not a legal contract. I mean, you can always change your mind at any time. That's why I never made an announcement. You decide next year, I think I will do it again. But I was like really wondering when it comes to it next year, am I really going to be okay with this? And you know what happened? I was, I was right. Like,

Maybe another year you might get the itch for it. A couple of weekends ago would have normally been, as it has been for so many years, the weekend when I first went out back on the road, the third weekend in January, the holidays are over. Okay, people go to a show again. I was so glad I didn't have to fucking drag my ass out of bed on a Saturday and go to Cincinnati after I don't love Cincinnati or whatever it was. I just wanted to be home. Yeah, yeah. And...

That's it. You know, it's not that I couldn't. I'm not crippled in any way, people. I mean, it's not like... I just don't fucking feel like it. Yeah. Did you ever take a break before for a year or two? Never. Never. Yeah, exactly. So that's why it feels weird. But it doesn't mean you can't take a break. It's because you've never done it before. It doesn't mean you can't take a break. It could just be a break. Maybe you're just taking a break. There's other things to do. Yeah. But maybe it's just a break. It could be a five-year break. Yeah. But you don't have... I mean...

I just don't think you should set it in stone. I don't want to see you quit doing stand-up just because you decided to quit. Stand-up is just a medium. It's a medium for ideas. That's what this is in its own weird way. Absolutely. And there are people who will watch us do this who wouldn't watch us do anything else. And I get that. I am not that, but I get that.

Because it's just like there are people who want to hear a jam band instead of something polished. Yeah, absolutely. And that's personal taste. And I get it. And I'm fine. But I want both. I want to have a jam band. And I also want to make Abbey Road every week on real time. Right. And that's what that's because I was actually about to ask you.

Why you built a television studio in your basement here. But that's the answer. Yeah, it's fun. This is kind of like you can just kind of... But it's still... I didn't change anything in this room. This room was always so cool. I mean, it was a mess when I got it, but... And I think Drew...

It's the person who built that tiki bar up. It looks, that thing that looks like you're in Mexico. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I was told, I don't know how I know that. Yeah, I think that's true actually. I think it is true. It's beautiful. I still love it. Yeah, yeah. As a place to like... That was, I think she built that before I knew her. Well...

I'm going to have a party this summer and invite both of you. It's time you reconnected. Oh, wait, you're married. Yeah, absolutely. In fact, well, you know, I was going to say relating to stand-up, you know what I've been doing since the pandemic? How do you describe when you say since? Do you say since COVID or since the pandemic? You know, either one. When the pandemic happened, that's when I kind of,

Moved right I moved back to Canada. Oh, that was the impetus. Yeah, it was yeah, okay and and it was kind of like cuz that I was due to I'm touring all the time and my tour was Cancelled for the whole year and I was sitting there going. Okay. I didn't have a TV show to go to every day So I'm sitting around my house going like I have only good friggin do this week, right? And so I got this camper van. I got my dog Charlie and

I started going out into the deserts out here and filming some stuff for basically just because I wanted to go check out the desert, but filming some stuff for social media. And then I decided to move back. I sold my house, moved back to Canada. Sure. Thank you very much. What did you do with that other one I gave you?

I smoked it. No, here it is right here. There it is. There you go. Thank you. Trade you. That sounds like a conversation I would have had at 19. Yeah. What did you do with that one? Exactly. I smoked it. Oh, no, I didn't smoke it. It's exactly what it was. But I got this camper van, and so now I'm touring.

You have that? No, I don't smoke. I don't smoke pot. I'm touring with my... I'm now driving on my touring mower is what I'm getting at. I haven't been going to the airport and flying to... Instead, I've been doing these... So I drove here from Canada in a camper van. Oh, what? Right now. What? Yeah, so I left Canada... That's so Tom Green. ...in my camper van with my fiancé and my dog.

And we drove and we did gigs all the way down. You two must be close. We were having a lot of fun, though. To be able to be together all day long in a camper. It's going well. I mean, it's... No, I'm not doubting it or wishing it. She's still here. She's here. No, I get it. She didn't go. She didn't leave yet. She didn't fly home. What is it that you think allows one person to be so easy on your vibe that...

You can be around them all the time. Because a lot of, I feel like, you know, success in a relationship is that. Can you just be around somebody and feel almost...

As calm as you do when you're alone. Yeah. You don't fart. Yeah. Not that calm. I try not to. No, not that comfortable. Are we agreed? Well, I mean, I'm not going to say what I'm guilty of in the terms of farting too much department, but I don't try to fart a lot if that's what we're talking about here, Bill. Okay. Well, the only fart that ever should happen in your life

Mutual space, I believe, is an inadvertent fart. Yeah. Okay. The way you're like, yes, of course. I'm trying to think whether I agree with that. No, I mean, you can't help it. It's like a nocturnal. Honestly, this isn't really the first thing I want to talk about when talking about my new engagement.

Well, I'm- You know, she's amazing, and that's why we're having a lot of fun. She puts up with the absurdity of this idea of traveling around in a camper. But we are staying in hotels when we're not. She loves it. No, we're having a lot of fun. We're having a lot of fun. Are you funny all the time? No.

I get kind of, I'm pretty tired right now, now that you mentioned it. Because I drove here in a camper van. That's amazing. I slept in the Mojave Desert. I appreciate it so much. Four nights ago. I really appreciate it. It's beautiful out there. Putting out like that. Have you ever slept out in the Mojave Desert? Fuck no. It is so beautiful out there.

I'm sure it is. But there's also... Seeing the sunset coming up over the mountains in the Mojave Desert. Oh, my God. Making some coffee. Oh, my God. Do you drink coffee? I do, but not in the middle of nothing in the morning. Well, that's... What's not... What's...

But why does that sound bad? It's not nothing. There's beautiful practices and wildlife. You know what it is? Flora and fauna. We're at different stages of life. Not that I would do it at 53 either. Right, right. But especially... It's just not your thing. You're just not a... No, I want a comfortable... Have you ever been camping? I want a comfortable bathroom. Have you ever gone camping? A comfortable bathroom. Okay. I think after a comfortable bathroom, you get the...

Have you ever slept in a tent? No. Wow, really? That's amazing. Never slept. I'm sleeping in a camper van. It's scary sleeping in a tent. Animals can tear through that tent. I did not sleep in a tent, but I once slept in a hammock. Okay. You'll never guess where. Oh. On Frankie Valli's tour bus.

You're right, I would have never guessed that. I am right, aren't I? Would have never guessed that, no. That's right. That's amazing. So was that just kind of, was he a friend of yours? No, I was opening for him. Yeah, that's cool. What year would that have been? That would have been 1982. And what venues were you?

be performing this all around today are you familiar with wolf trap in washington dc okay no i don't know no wolf trap is very famous okay cool cool a lawn you know seating and then a lawn it's a big summer oh nice nice unless you're playing like stadiums yeah yeah everybody will nobody turns their nose up at wolf trap in the summer that's cool you know james taylor with jackson brown right right wolf trapper yeah so that was one this was like a hollywood bowl kind of uh

Yes. Yes. Got some gravitas to it, but you're outside. It's like camping, but you're not. You're watching a show. Yeah. Jim McKay. Sort of like camping. You feel like you did something in the nature. Right. Blanket. Yeah, yeah. A blanket may involve being involved. You've really never gone camping. It's fun because you get into it.

and you really kind of ensconce yourself in that it's a very calming or relaxing thing to do. I think nature's a great town. I love nature. I do. I live amid nature. Absolutely. That's one reason I don't need to do that is because I feel like I see a lot of greenery and stuff that isn't urban every day. Yeah. Because...

because you burned your house down. It always is going to come back to that time. Now, I did not do it, by the way, for the record. Nobody did it. I'm joking. For the record. You know, it was a fire. I knew you were joking. I just wanted to put it on the record. I did not do it. Just in case there was any confusion. I'm very glad we did. Some people might people...

No, they... I know there was no reason for them to think that, but some people still get confused and think the wrong thing. I just want to make sure I did not burn the house down. Well, there's just too many people in America with time on their hands, and they also have access to the internet. So if they can just start some shit... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

For no reason, because they just, it entered their mind, they will do it. So is it more fun doing television when you have the internet as well as a factor? Or is it more fun doing television when there was no internet? Because you seem like you're having a lot of fun with the internet. So I would expect that you would say that, not, you know, but I'd expect you would say that it was probably, this is more fun to have this kind of, but then you also have to deal with the complexity of all that kind of,

Just energy on the internet that we're talking about. You know, you asked me about, I don't know how long we've been here, six hours or maybe 20 minutes. It could be the one. But at some point you asked me about...

Something that is frustrating, which is you said, what about when they take like clips? Exactly. Because you lose control over, you know. It's amazing when you are somebody who's in the middle like me and not in the middle like in an ambi pambi way. And it's just like, yeah, I'm a proud old school liberal, but no, I'm not going to go along on the crazy train to Nonsenseville.

So when you're in there, what were you talking about? It was so important to me. Yeah, I was just saying, yeah, you know what? What were we talking about, Bill? Oh, good. Now we're both too fucking high to remember what the conversation was about. No, but you, I knew exactly what we were talking about until you questioned it. And then it made me sort of second guess myself. And now my mind's gone blank. What the hell were we just talking about, Bill?

I don't know, but if this is what Alzheimer's is like, it's not that bad. I think they're making a bigger deal out of that shit. Sitting around in these extremely soft chairs, by the way. I don't feel like it's... I got a beer. This is incredible. What we were talking about is before the internet...

Yes. Doing a television show. We were talking about clips. Yeah. And how they just take... I know what we were talking about. I just pretended we didn't. Good for you. Good for you. But of course, I actually want to know the answer too because... I want to give you the answer. Yeah. Because it is very frustrating that when you're in the middle, that's what I was saying, and over the course of an hour of real time, you can take...

three or four great clips for you on Fox News and show them where I'm calling the left out on their bullshit or occasionally saying, yeah, you know, this is not the stupidest idea I ever heard of. Then you can do the same thing on the left-wing stations. You can...

if you want to make me look good to your audience, you can show all the times I'm excoriating Donald Trump and calling out that administration and that list of things I hate. Or if you hate me on

liberal media, just show the ones where I'm saying the things that the Fox News crowd likes. So I can't, like, watch the whole show. You lose control of the narrative because the wrong clips go out. And people just want to hear what they already believe fed back to them. So if you already believe on the left that I'm some sort of red-pilled person who's now become a conservative, you can be fed things where all you see me doing is saying, yeah,

I don't hate this. Let's get rid of the penny or whatever it is. And then you can do it. You can manipulate. And they do because that's what feeds their kitty. They want those same eyeballs coming back to them.

So, you know, it's a lonely place in the middle. It can be a lonely place. Yeah. Fuck them. I don't care. I've got my middle people. Yeah. So before the internet, you didn't have to, but there was still people would write about the show. Well, they got my first show canceled. Yeah, exactly. So there was still this sort of different kind of energy pushback. Yeah.

Yeah. But this is a little bit. I was canceled when it was like literal. We're actually using that word. Yes. Right. To make sure you're not. Have you been credited with being coining that term? No. You don't want to. You don't want to be credited with that. No. And also, I mean, the things like people had been fired. Those were crazy times. It was 9-11, right? 9-11. That was crazy times.

And, you know, was that the beginning of this sort of new kind of crazy that we're seeing in our politics? I mean, that was, okay, so I moved in here January of 2008.

Which is actually the, you know, 2000 is still, I think, technically the last century. I think the first year of the 21st century. So we're literally days into the 21st century. Yeah. Okay. Which is a little, could be something if you were the kind of person who believed in spooky stuff. Okay. So I move in here January and you're already here. And then the house burns down. And then 9-11 happens.

I'm wondering, maybe it's you, Tom. No? Is that a crazy theory? I mean, it's a heavy thing to blame me with, for sure. It's a lot for me to consider. You know, it's crazy, though. Was that the beginning of this sort of—things weren't as political before that.

I mean, it seems weird to say. Obviously, things have been political forever, but doesn't it seem like they're not been sort of a reprieve on this kind of divisive politics or something for 10 years or 20 years? It literally goes back to- I don't remember it being that great. I know, but- Reagan, Reagan, Reagan. It goes through periods. I mean, the period when you were a formative youth. Yeah. You're right. It

It was, they were always at each other's throats, but there was a civility to it. And also they both played by the rules. That's exactly what I was asking. I mean, in 2000, Al Gore lost or didn't.

There was a lot of shenanigans. They talk about shenanigans with Trump in 2020. There was no shenanigans in 2020. No shenanigans. I could quote all the people who were involved, the election commission, many of his own appointees. It was one of the smoothest, fairest, most, they had their eyes on it for good reason. There were hanging chads.

That was to that, right. That was Gore. Hanging chads. Was that Gore Bush? The secretary of state was a Republican in the state of Florida. The governor was Jeb Bush, the guy's brother. Well, that's where the chads were being counted in Florida. Whatever it was, you know what? The truth is Al Gore and Bush, they played to a tie. And then it was like, okay, the Republicans had the Supreme Court and that was it. And Al Gore said-

Yeah. You know what? I got robbed, but for the good of the team. That's gone with Trump. Yeah. And that's why the people who think, you know, oh, Bill, you know, you're so clear-eyed about the problems on the left. Yeah, I am. But I'm not coming over to your side. That's so much worse that you guys...

will not acknowledge when you lose an election. That is a non-negotiable with me. You know, we can't talk about it. That's it. That's the essence of the country. Yeah.

So I'm moving to Canada is what I'm saying. By the way, my girl, Chris Jafrilan, and I say my girl like I'm really close and I'm not. You should move to Canada, by the way. No, but she used to be on Real Time. Okay. And now she's going to be the prime minister. Okay. I'm a big fan. Okay. She was always great on the show.

Who is that? Christopher. Oh, Christopher. Oh, yes. Right. I didn't hear you. You're talking about Christopher. She's been on real time. She's great. Yeah. Well, she was the minister. Is that. Is that. She was a minister. I forget what department. But she was very important. Finance. In the Trudeau government. And then quit. Yeah. And said she basically didn't believe in him anymore. And.

And that... You come up and campaign on her behalf? That to me is the woke versus liberal debate in Canada. The one I'm having here. Yeah. And I'm her. Yeah. Okay, I'm her. Do you think she could be the next? She could be the next. I hope so. I think she's...

Smart. Trudeau resigned. Savvy. But it has still not been an election as of yet. So they're going to call in, calling an election soon. And there's going to be a leadership race on the liberal party. Because he's. Chrystia Friedland is running for leader of the liberal party. And, but she's, and there's also Mark. The U.

carney as well as another you're you like parliamentarians yeah i am a polar i'm not personally one but your country i used to go up there all that i used to go up to the parliament buildings all the time though when i was a kid in ottawa you know i used to go down there and just play soccer on the front lawn of the parliament buildings yeah so is that are you kidding are you no i actually did do that yeah yeah because uh because i was doing a i was doing

I was doing a college radio show in downtown Ottawa. And I would say at the end of the show on midnight till two in the morning, every Friday night, I'd say, anyone want to come meet me on the front lawn of the parliament buildings? Bring a soccer ball and some pizza and we'll go play soccer out there till four in the morning. And then we go and we play soccer on the, not to cut you off that story, but it. No, no, no. That's it. So that was one of the fun things I love to do in Ottawa. That's why I, I, you know, when you, we talk about,

You talk about the Canadian government and Trudeau and all the elections and all the stuff that's going on out there. I also think of it sometimes just in real personal terms. I basically grew up in Ottawa or something. When you say parliament, for instance, I think about how beautiful our parliament buildings are. Have you seen our parliament buildings? Have you seen them before, Bill? Quite beautiful buildings, by the way. I wanted to start that way. When I got to Cornell, what you're describing –

I wanted to be, get on the college radio and be the college funny prankster. I thought that was going to be my first entree. Yep, yep, yep. And...

It was the easiest way to get into broadcasting, though, was through radio, right? No, I mean, I'm telling you, this is very evocative for me to hear you talk about it. Because when I went off to Cornell, I had already wanted to be a comedian for 10 years. I just kept it inside. So now I'm away from home. I really wanted to be in New York, like hanging out at the clubs. But I got to go to college first. And I thought, yeah, that's it. And I remember practicing, like in my room.

like to be say things like pre you know pre-adlibs right but i could say just announcing and yeah and uh i never even got the nerve to go audition really yeah you wanted to do radio but i was a shy person uh-huh i was very very shy as a teenager a kid as an as a teenager into college so at what moment do you get up on stage then when what age how does that decision get made i i

The first time I ever got on stage was in high school. I emceed the talent show, and it was so exhilarating to get laughs that I was hooked like a drug, like a drug I've never had since. And the next time I got up on stage was at Cornell. They had poetry readings on, like, Thursday afternoon in the Temple of Zeus coffee shop. And I got up there when people are doing poems, and I tried to do, like,

- Stand up, sure, yeah. - Well, it was like a top 10 list. - They must have loved that. I mean, it's gotta be better than poetry, you know? - It was like something like-- - I mean, I like poetry. - You know you were-- - I'd rather see someone attempt stand up than someone sincerely pull off poetry, to be honest with you.

It's fun even watching stand-up when it fails, really, sometimes. But in that environment, in college, it must have been good. So did you do that regularly then? Well, I mean, all the time I was in college, I was sort of like, why am I here learning about Homer when I should be in New York? So philosophy? I studied all the liberal arts stuff. I got an English major degree, but history, English, classics. I loved mine. The education they gave me at Cornell, I cannot front. Awesome.

And I'm a different person because of it. One who can survive in a cocktail party with anybody. Not dominate, but survive. And not be laughed out of the room. Right. With any group of, except astrophysicists, not science. They don't party anyway. Astrophysicists, they don't really go out. Well, yeah.

I think Neil deGrasse Tyson gets down. Okay, okay. I know. Yeah, I guess you know more than I do. You've probably met more astrophysicists than me, so I wouldn't really know. I was just speaking off of a hunch, basically. He's just a fun guy. Yeah, yeah. Not only when you see him on my show or any show, but I've been with him at Seth MacFarlane's parties. He's just a great guy.

great guy to hang with. And, you know, he doesn't always want to talk about astrophysics. You know, he would like actually a break from that, I think.

I think. Yeah, yeah. With people. Yeah, because do people come up and ask him sort of technical questions that they really need answered? I mean, it's like seeing Rocky and wanting to punch him in the jaw. Right, right. I don't want to talk about the wormholes or string theory anymore. That's it. Who else are you going to throw that question to? Yeah.

I see an asteroid that's heading toward Earth.

The astronauts? I said, I see an asteroid is headed toward Earth. Asteroid, yeah, absolutely. No, 2032, yeah? Yeah. And there's also, I thought you were talking about the astronauts that are stuck up there. No, I just think it's a great conversation breaker there. Absolutely nice. I see an asteroid. The entire planet is going to be destroyed in 10 years. What are you planning on doing about that? That's a good question. Seven years, actually, Tom. I was never really good at math, but yeah. Well. 2032, okay. I'm torn.

between trying to survive and kissing my ass goodbye. So you're making an extra effort to survive seven years so you can see the asteroid? Or would you rather just not have to witness that? If it's going to hit and wipe out all life on Earth, I want it to hit me right in the head. Right, right. Please make it a direct hit. I want to be part of the cleanup committee. Yeah, yeah. Now, why do you think they're so exasperated by this? Because...

I assume it's the same reason why the dinosaurs were wiped out, because it's not the asteroid itself that's going to dent the Earth so bad. It's that it creates a... Yeah, the whole atmosphere is full of dust, and the sun is bluffed out, and it becomes frigid winter, and we all freeze to death. Except for those few hardy enough ones who dug little shelters for themselves and lived off freeze-dried noodles for the next...

Generation, essentially. How do you think it would affect... You want to be part of that group that ate freeze-dried noodles underground for a generation to try to repopulate the Earth, or would you rather have a direct hit? You say direct hit. Well, when you put it that way. You get to continue. You could probably open up a little comedy club in there or something like that. Keep everybody entertained. Repopulate the Earth eventually.

Because of you? Because of you keeping everybody? Underground comedy. There'd be stuff to do. Literally underground comedy. There'd be stuff to do, yeah. So when you built the studio here, this has got to have been a lot of fun, right? I'm telling you, it hasn't changed at all. Well, I'm not talking about the structure. Just when you put the cameras in and started doing the show here, that must have been a lot of fun, right? What's fun is that

I wouldn't be here with you without it, which is a shame because I'm having such a great time. I always liked you. I mean, I was disappointed we never got to be friendlier when you were the neighbor. I always thought you were just an innovator. And, you know, so that's what's great about a podcast is that it's like you can summons people. Now, they don't have to answer the summons. Yeah. But it's like...

I would like to talk to you. So I had built a studio in my house in 2005. I had a lot of people over and did a lot of interviews. And I got to make so many good friends. I got to know Norm MacDonald, I mentioned, who was idolized growing up. But then I got to know him and become friends with him. But that's a great thing about doing this. It's fun. But you've got a studio here. There's like, there's... Yeah, we have to... I mean, you know, look...

I'm trying to make it the least likely, the least like a studio. Yeah, no, for sure. But yeah, there has to be cameras and people operating them somewhere, I assume. I don't get involved with the details. So other than Johnny Carson, before 1980, who was your favorite? Well, I'll tell you who else was out. Including David Letterman. David Letterman didn't come along until 1982. That's what I said. Right, right.

Yeah. All of the others. Right. Merv Griffin, Jack Parr. I mean, the people, well, Jack Parr was before my time. Did you like Jack Parr? I bet you like Jack Parr. As I say, before my time. But, I mean, have you gone back and looked at his work? All I know about Jack Parr, no, I really haven't. Really? All I know about Jack Parr. He was great. Is that my parents spoke well of him. Yeah, yeah. But my parents are sophisticated.

So that I can... He was a bit of a shit disturber too, though. Yes, he was. He quit on the air. Yes. And then he came back a week later and went back in the air and said some funny line like... No. I said, there's got to be a... Because when he quit, he said, there's got to be a better way to make a living than this. And he quit on NBC Live, walked off. And then he went away to Africa. And then he came back and the show was still a hit. They gave him the show again. After he quit, he came back live on NBC and he said...

I went and had a look and when I left, I said there was gotta be a better way to make a living than this. I went and had a look and it turns out there isn't. And then he continued the show for like another, I don't know how many years, few years, not too much longer. And then it was Steve Allen after that. It's amazing that he had to have that revelation. Or no, it was Johnny Carson after Jack Parr, right? Steve Allen, Jack Parr, Johnny Carson. Correct. Jack Parr, I know, was 57 to 62. So I was a toddler. Yeah.

Incredible interviews though with Jack Parry, interviewed you know, Kennedy, Muhammad Ali and all these sorts of people. Well first of all, the country was so different. The people were... Johnny Carson also used to do an author every night. An author? Yeah. Can you imagine an author? Was the show 90 minutes at one point? Yes, it was 90 minutes at one point. In the beginning, yeah. Every night? Yeah. Yeah.

The country was different, and so the talk show hosts reflected that. Johnny Carson himself, as great as he was, wouldn't survive today. Too slow. Attention spans are different. People's just, with the phone and the pace of things and the depth of understanding, people's

no, you can't do the show. He did. And that was just into the early 90s. You know, then Jay Leno was the right guy for the right time. Yeah. It's always been very controversial, the whole hierarchy in talk television. It is interesting. It is sort of like a royal family position in the country. That's American. The talk show person who... Yeah. And...

You know, it's a reflection of where I think it was, where the middle was. I mean, Johnny and Letterman and Leno, they were in the middle. Now talk shows are just all of them are very far left. Not to say I wouldn't agree with them on most of those issues, but they do not attempt to please anybody except the people who are already voting for Kamala Harris.

If you're not voting for her, you are not going to feel welcome watching this. You're not going to feel welcome watching Saturday Night Live. Exactly. Yeah. And it seems like it's become kind of the priority is to talk about that subject and to talk politics. It used to be one joke about Reagan or something, and then we move on. The whole monologue is about politics. It's all about the sort of social issues. Oh, well, that is, yes.

I mean, and Leno and Carson, they, and Letterman did jokes about what was going on politically also, but they found a way to do it in a way that wasn't obvious where their feelings were. And there was plenty to be made as there always is on both sides. But that's not where we are now. Why is that? Why isn't there not a more, is it because it's just

Social media has divided things so much that you have to pick a side firmly. Is that what it is? Or because there's a, does the internet made that happen? Because the shows have their internets. They get all these comments coming through. Oh, we better like use these comments. Well, it starts with Fox News. Okay. That's the beginning of the problem. Mm-hmm.

There was no such thing as Fox News like a right-wing media. Every media organization tried to be down the middle. That's why Leno and Letterman and Carson tried to be— About being a non-biased observer. You're not saying to one half of the country, don't even bother. I mean, twice when Trump won, Saturday Night Live—

did not do an opening sketch. They had a fucking dirge. Now, they just had their big 50th anniversary. Look, Lorne Michaels, I don't know him. Never worked for him. Canadian. But...

Yeah, Canadian, yes. I'm just going to say, anytime you mention a Canadian, I'm going to say they're Canadian, just so you know. And he's the biggest Canadian. Because literally, nobody even comes close to the effect this guy has had on comedy for a half a century. I mean, it would be easier to name the comedy movie stars who weren't.

Coming through the Saturday Night Live factory. I mean not to mention the several late-night franchises just the stamp on the industry Yeah, it's unbelievable is just enormous but to have a dirge I okay, so I'm reading this article about him and He says I said to the cast and maybe this is in the early days, you know, we're playing to all 50 states Well, you're not anymore

Or at least not all people in 50 states. Trump wins. Like, I didn't vote for him either. But I wouldn't do a fucking funeral. Like, where the cast is there somberly. Oh, we're here. Yeah, it's still America. You're fine. Most people will be fine. Yes, there's a lot of shit I don't like. I've got a whole hate list.

But this is how America voted. America, I thought you loved democracy, but you can't do a sketch. You can't be funny. You have to, like, tell us how in mourning you are. That shit leaves me cold. Do you feel it's too partisan? For sure. Is that what you got out of that story? SNL. I have to be...

They won the election, and you're a comedy show, and the left is so far from perfect. So the idea that we have to have a few... There was always sort of politics in SNL, but now more so than ever. I mean, it was Gerald Ford fell down a flight of stairs. Yeah, but that's not what's political about it. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. So why is that, though? Why has everything gotten so political? Because I guess I think it began with Fox News. Right, exactly. And then I think they politicized...

It was not the internet. It was cable TV. I think that's the beginning. When the beginning of the division happened because it was competing for viewers. He had to split the audience. Right. Well, first of all, they felt that... There was three channels and Walter Cronkite's on at night. Well, four with Fox. They can be non-biased or to be central. Then when the cable came in... Okay, now Fox News would say...

CBS never went right wing and NBC went left wing back in 1953 to compete against each other. Exactly what I'm getting to. Fox News would say, not without some merit.

that it was necessary to have a right-wing media organization because the majority of the media had gone so far left and was in the pocket of the left. Now, there is some truth to that. It got crazy worse, but this is not how it was then. But just as an example, there was a whistleblower at NPR last year, a guy who worked there. I think his name was Uri Berliner. Okay. And

He just didn't like the fact that you were squelched if you tried to present anything other than the super, super duper far woke left point of view on NPR. So it comes out that of the 87 top managers at NPR, the number who voted Democratic was 87. Now, even if you're a Democrat,

That's not a good thing. No, no. That's when you have, that's incest, that's intellectual incest. And you know what incest produces. Well, is it just because the, is it regional? I mean, you travel around the country, so you know, is that what it is? Just because most television has always come out of New York and Los Angeles, I guess, right? So this is what happens? Well, yeah. I mean, the media definitely has an enormous effect on,

on how the country's mores change, often for good. Gay marriage would never have happened if Americans didn't see gay people in sitcoms acting like regular people. Right. And not horrible people. Sure, sure. And people you love. And TV, and that was a great thing. Exactly.

That happened after Cable, too, you'd say? Well, that happened when was Will and Grace on? Yeah, so Cable. When the TV expanded, there was, yeah, so yeah. But it was a network show. Yeah, network show, yeah. And I'm sure there were other shows. And, you know, I mean, when I was a child, it was a scandal because at the end of a duet in the late 60s, Harry Belafonte, a black man,

like planted, I think, a little kiss on the cheek of a white girl and like lost all the Southern affiliates. Yeah. Okay. And then at some point, Tom Cruise kissed Thandie Newton in a mainstream movie. William Shatner. 19. Kiss green chicks. Canadian, by the way. Yeah. And has sat there in that chair twice. It must be fun to hang out with Shatner. I love him. Yeah. I love him. You know, he was my first landlord in Los Angeles.

I thought you were going to say first lover. No, no, no. Not what I said at all. I know. But he's a good guy, though. Why can't we just go with that? It's a better story. When I came to MTV, I rented a house. Is that right? He owned the house and rented it from me. He would come over and say hi once in a while. Great. A lot of fun. Great guy. Must be fun to sit to talk to. I've never gone to interview him. I've gone to interview people, though. I've done quite a few interviews over the years. I enjoy it. I enjoy...

Well, I couldn't help but notice you fall naturally into that role. You're doing more interviewing than I am. I'm sitting here stoned. You're the guy who's like, and I love it. I mean, I'm more than happy to go either way. But you have this natural inclination. It's great. It's like a curiosity. Well, it's a nice opportunity to get to interview. I've not got to get to interview. I have interviewed a lot of people, though, before. Oh, I know. That's something that I've...

Kind of enjoyed the – really enjoyed kind of trying to – not just doing it because I like meeting people and like getting to know people, but it's also –

Yeah, it's been fun. It's been fun. Like, so I built a TV studio in my living room in 2005, right? That's so you to put it in the living room. Well, you know, my house wasn't as big as this. So I had a couple of rooms. One of them was the living room. That was the only room that was big enough to put a couple cameras in. I get it. But no, it was fun. It was fun. And, you know, it's like there is sort of a...

Something about being able to have a... So when you have guests now to do this in your home where you live now... Well, I'm not really doing a podcast right now where I'm interviewing people. So I'm just kind of not doing that. But I may build a podcast studio in my barn, though. I have a barn.

Do you have a barn? I do not have a barn, if you mean someplace where I keep hay and horses. Do you have any animals? Do you have any pets right now? Yes, but they're not horses. No. Dogs or... Yes, dogs. How many dogs do you have? Two from... As of six o'clock, but they're very old. Oh, okay. Yeah. How old are they? What kind of dogs are they? I mean, one of them's got to be a thousand. I don't know. He...

I mean, I've had him since 2010, and he wasn't a puppy then. A big dog? Like, what kind of dog? No, no. Do you know what kind of dog it is? That's him as Kid Rock. Oh, like a chihuahua kind of dog? Yeah, he looks like a chihuahua. He's not. It's a little dog? He's a half- Chico, trash dog. Chico, yeah. Nice. Chico. Hello. Chico, yeah. Are they both chihuahuas? No, no. Or small dogs? No, and then Chula is-

The chula is half German Shepherd, half pit bull. You'd never guess. It looks like a German Shepherd, but not as big. Yeah. Good guard dogs that let you know when there's something going on? Oh, fuck no. They're 1,000 years old. One of them, the chula's blind. It takes a million years just to get up. You had them since they were puppies? Well, again, Chico, I'm guessing, was about two when I had them. You've had them most of their lives. Oh, yes. So they weren't always...

No. When they were younger, were they good guard dogs? No. Were they good guard dogs? Did they bark? No. No. Always been kind of just a chill dog. That's my fault because I don't train dogs. It's kind of nice when they don't bark at everything that goes by. Oh, no. He barks at things that don't go by. I mean, Chico just stands in the middle of the drive. The reason why he's alive, unlike the other one who never moves, because she's blind. I can't blame her. But...

is because Chico takes his job very seriously as a guard dog. So he stands in the middle of the driveway at night and just barks at nothing. He just preemptively wants to tell everybody, don't fuck with me. I'm Chico. I'm here. I'm in the middle of this driveway. I've got one eye. And I can bite. And I will bite.

He'll bite me. You know she's doing that because she's trying to protect you. Yes. No, no. Because she loves you. Chico takes his job very seriously. Loves you and wants to make sure that you are safe. No, no. Chico takes his job very seriously, and that's what keeps him young. Yeah. Or he's not young. It keeps him alive. I don't know if he's still alive, but I'm glad he is. I mean, the last time you saw Chico.

It was right before I came over here. So still alive, I would say. Yeah. No, I mean, I worry about them like that because, you know, I buried right, like,

maybe 25 feet that way from this building up that hill is my dog graveyard. And there's five graves there. Oh, wow. Yeah. You know, and I personally dug all of them because I found it to be a very cathartic experience to dig the grave yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did one in a howling rainstorm. It was so therapeutic.

With the tears rolling down my cheeks, mixing with the rain. Yeah, well, it's...

I'd like to thank the Academy. No, but it's because it is one of the worst things you have to do, right? I mean, animals are family, right? These are family. I had two huskies for 15 years. I went through that. It's a horrible thing, right? But you have to kind of...

move on and they had great lives, I'm sure. You know, they all live, you know. You'll appreciate this from apropos to our discussion there about people in the middle and all that shit. But I quoted this lady I read on a story in the Free Press last year. She had lived in New York with her husband,

exactly what you would think of as like a left-wing liberal couple in Brooklyn. Okay. Not bad people. Again, I would probably agree with them on most issues. They decide to move up to the country, just like you did. But this is upstate New York. Sure. The Poconos. That's Pennsylvania. Oh, yeah. Right, right. No, sort of what I'm thinking of. It's closer to where I went to college in Cornell. Okay. Ethic of New York. Yeah, yeah. Ethic of New York.

is like outside of Cornell. Yeah. You'd think you were in Alabama. Yeah. No, I mean shacks. Yeah. And like meth, that kind of stuff. Okay. Like as soon as you get out of New York, a lot of shacks and meth in Alabama.

You said you'd think it was like Alabama. I mean, I've only been- And you said shacks and meth. I'm just like- Well- There probably is a lot of shacks and meth in Alabama. I think- I'm not saying this in a put down way. No, no, no. I just wanted to clarify. Appalachia. Yeah, sure. Appalachia, which stretches over, I think, seven or eight states. I'm sure there's meth in crack. I think there's definitely meth. Yeah. If I can believe what I saw- If you're going to bet on a place to have it, that would be the place probably. Did you ever see Winter's Bone? No.

Really great movie. Jennifer Lawrence's first movie before she was known. Okay, cool. And it's about life in, you know, West Virginia, Appalachia and meth and everybody. It does not have a false note. And I say that as someone who would not know what a false note was in a movie about West Virginia because I don't know about that area. But it just seems very true. Anyway, so why were we talking about that?

Why were we talking about that? Yeah, why did we get on to like meth in West Virginia? Well, we were talking about... Something important. Yeah, you know, let's talk about... We don't have to talk about meth anymore. I don't think we really need to talk about meth. Well, that's one drug I... Have you done meth? Have you taken meth? I've never taken meth, for the record. I've never...

Yes. Partaken in the meth. You have actually. At Cornell. Cornell was. It was a different time. It was sort of all these drugs were kind of new experimental. The Beatles were. Right? The Beatles, right? The Beatles. They started all that. Well, the Beatles had split up by this time. They got the ball rolling and all that, though. They mainstreamed. Now, this is mid-70s. The Beatles and John Lennon hadn't even appeared in.

Like three years. No, no, but they got the ball rolling on that, and now it's Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin. What was music we listened to? Zeppelin was huge in the 70s, yes. And what were you listening to? Zeppelin? I was listening to Zeppelin, Jackson Browne. Okay. Those were my two big ones, big go-tos. Did you listen on a record, on vinyl? You had a record player in your place? Yeah, we were still into vinyl, sure. Or tapes. Yeah, tapes, right. Tapes.

I was all tapes, pretty much. Vinyl had just disappeared, basically, when I was a kid, so it was cassette tapes was pretty much my era, which was...

It seemed like it wasn't as cool as vinyl, but now at this time, I would love to be in a cassette tape world right now listening to music on cassette tape or vinyl. I don't love having to listen to music on this digital stuff, but it's great to have access to the music, but it was nice to just be able to put in that album, push play, listen to the whole album.

Yeah, I don't miss that at all. You really don't? No. I have my vinyl collection, though. Yeah. And kids see it and they just flip. And do you listen to your vinyl a lot? No, never. You never listen to it? Why would I? Do you have a record player? No. You know what I use? That's probably why you don't. You've got to get a good record player. I use the iPod. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to bore people. I'm always talking about my love of the iPod. There are advantages to the iPod that I insist. Oh, the actual original iPod? Yeah.

Like not your phone. You have the actual device still? Yes, with the circle. They still make that? You can get them on eBay. You just have a vintage one. I have five of them. Wow, and you love... There are advantages to it. I promise you. I agree with that. I don't have one, but I remember having them. It's nice because all the music's there. It doesn't disappear. There's no ads popping up. It's your music. You feel like you own it. Thank you. And also... Right? Yeah. I don't think if...

If you're on a streaming service, I think not every artist is licensed to every service. So I don't think you can have every song you actually want. I mean, can I get all 4,000 songs on one service? I know what I can't do is edit the beginning or end of a song, which I can do on an iPod. Yeah. Because it's on your computer. Yeah. And all you got to do is go to options and you can, and many songs need the beginning or end clicked.

Clipped. Really? You're not a fan of some over...

long intros and the 70s rock stuff you just want to get right to the guitar solo or right to the first verse it's big intros and some of those old led zeppelin songs so there was really people's phone machine messages on some of those songs right right right there's people talking to a live audience for two minutes and telling the same story i want to hear a million times you actually there's applause at the end or yes sometimes musicians do make mistakes and they just put

30 or 40 seconds of some sort of ambient bullshit that's supposed to set up the song, but it doesn't. So this is a pet peeve of yours, and therefore you've gone and you've edited a lot of your songs? It will become, yeah, well, it's not a pet peeve. A pet peeve would be... It irritates you enough that you've actually done something about it. Like you sit down at a computer and edit the front end of a bunch of songs so you don't have to listen to them ever again.

to listen to the beginning or end of that. Yeah, yeah, because you just want to get to the meat of it. You're making it sound worse than it is. I'm telling you, I'm getting rid of stuff that is bullshit. I'm just fucking around, but like... I know. It is funny to picture you actually sitting down... But I'm not going to let you get away with it. Okay, okay. The pretending that what I'm taking off is because I'm just sort of some sort of nut...

No. Who's only like a hook junkie. Just give me the middle 30 seconds of that song where they go, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I'm cutting off actual bullshit. Right. I'm cutting off the fat off this steak that I don't want to eat. I'm not saying it's a nutty thing to do. I'm just saying it's a little more. Most people would just not do anything about it.

That is true. Yeah. And that's why I'm not most people. Yeah, it's not crazy. It's just a little bit more than the average person would do. They wouldn't go and cut the song, cut a little file and only carry a vintage iPod. It takes two seconds. The only thing that allows them to do that. They just listen to a different song without the intro they don't like or whatever. It takes 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. I like that. The sound quality is better too, I think, than through the internet.

Sound quality is actually better. Also, I must say. More resolution or whatever than the audio. First of all, maybe you can do this on a playlist in Spotify or Pandora or whatever. Maybe you can do this, so just don't write me letters if you can. But with the iPod, you put it on shuffle. No, with the iPod, you can mark also songs as skip when shuffling.

So in other words, of my 4,200 songs... Right, right. You won't get this... I don't want to hear Christmas music on shuffle. And there's other stuff I have in there, you know, yoga music. So I marked all those. Or even particular songs in general, specific songs. I mean...

I don't want just like upbeat songs, ballads. No. But like comedy record? No. That's not going to come up on Shuffle. Yeah. You know? You're listening to music. It's music. Some of it might be slow. Some of it might be strong. I love putting it on Shuffle. Frank Sinatra comes up and then Tupac.

So this is on your iPod and then it's plugged into your speakers? Yeah, yeah. You plug it in the car when you get the car? Do you plug it in the car? I have one. You can get it in the car, yeah. So it's an iPod. Not the old iPod in the car, but you can get this music of your... Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, it is. Music is a very important thing, like to actually listen to music and enjoy music. Oh, so important.

And now this is, you're going to say is not rational and probably isn't, but I also believe that my iPod on shuffle does speak to me. Like there are messages that come through with the songs that it's picking on shuffle. I mean, it's just, there are too many times. This is a bit nutty, but no. Even for you. So you really do think there's sort of a...

like you uh some synchronistic sort of i think uh the lord works in mysterious ways songs will come on they're just it just doesn't make any sense that that would play right now is it possible like a lot of songs have themes of emotion and it sort of reappears throughout us i swear not as much because a lot of songs that's exactly the right answer to what i'm feeling you

bad a certain day and a sad song comes on and oh you know yeah if it was just that simple but it's more more specific than that so specific like it really is yeah wow like i'll be thinking about a song for a certain reason and then it'll play the first thing up on the show i mean it's it's i believe in that i feel like the chinese are involved somehow

With TikTok, it's TikTok's algorithm. No, I'm just saying that there. No. There is, so you consider yourself a spiritual person? Not up until that minute, but I don't. No. So, in fact, I'm not even sure what it means. Even some form of energy coming from the iPod, though, some sort of, maybe that could be God. That's what I'm saying. It does rhyme. Right, right, right.

I'm just reporting, I'm not making any judgments or conclusions. I'm just saying the iPod shuffle does speak to me. It just suggests things through the music that it could not possibly have known. We didn't arrange anything. I've never met this magician before.

It just doesn't. It just doesn't. And I'm not saying this is a reason why they shouldn't make it so that I can't use my iPod, but I do worry about Apple someday just making it so it just doesn't exist at all because you have to...

What I like about it is you can edit all this stuff on your computer. We have a vintage iPod. But then you have to put the iPod in the dock to transfer from the computer. I mean, they could cut that off at any time. They could change the format that music's recorded on. I mean, they've already... Are they MP3s still? No, I don't know what it is, but I mean, I can't do it. All the songs are in a certain file. But at some point...

I did have to get a super-duper computer expert to undo something Apple had changed. With the iPod. So your iPod wasn't working for a second? It would not. Wow. Yeah, it would not re- Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, it's... Because I'm misowning the music in a tangible way, right? Where it just doesn't... Right. You sort of have this organized set of music, whether this is...

You could just get a record player and get back to listening to music, but they can't take that in the car and all that stuff. I like the fact that I have the music I have and they can't

change it because you see they do change songs because you know woke Canadian assholes for example are the type of people who don't believe in free speech like they don't anymore in Germany or England and so like they will change songs I saw a freedom of speech and are the Canadian Charter of Rights and freedoms yeah yeah well well you got to fight for it you say whatever we want up there okay I hope so yeah because I think it's a little overblown there's where there was there was a

Something about sharing news on social media. No, it's not Canada, but England has arrested people for opinions on the internet. I'm not down with that. I think there's been some misinformation about me getting all Canadian right now, but there's been some misinformation about Canadian freedom of speech, though, that's been floating around out there. Like, we've got freedom of speech in Canada. It's in our...

Our Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. We have freedom of the press, freedom of assembly. Yeah, well, just because something's in a charter, I mean, we have it too, and Trump is threatening that, and sometimes the left is threatening that too. I've never experienced a situation where I can't say something up there. There are hate speech laws in Canada, so there are things you can't say, but...

You know what? Who would want to say that shit anyways, right? Well, that's not how – that's not what free speech means. Right. It's a slight – but it's – there's a clearly defined definition of what hate speech is. So it's not overreaching. It's fairly specific. I mean –

So it's not really pretty much say anything you want except for extreme things that you would not agree with, I would think, and that nobody would really want to agree with in a civilized society. No, that's no. You don't know what free speech is then. You don't know. That's not what free speech is. That's the definition of not free speech. Like what everybody thinks. Not everybody thinks the same. The Supreme Court ruled in our country that the Nazis...

could march in Skokie, Illinois, which they were marching in because it is a community of a lot of Holocaust survivors, many of whom were still alive at the time. And the Supreme Court said, as abhorrent as that is, that is what free speech is about. Anybody can defend the speech that we all like, but sometimes it changes what people like. And you just don't want to be limited that way. Now, if you are literally inciting violence,

or kiddie porn or something like that. Yes, there are things, and they're already illegal. But it gets very dangerous in my view. There was a lot of talk about banning TikTok in America, though. That's almost like clamping down on- Well, that was different. They didn't ban it, but I mean, they were- Well, actually, they passed a law to ban it, and Trump, who's king now, just said, I'm undoing that. Yeah, I think it probably helped in getting him elected. The first most blatantly illegal thing he did. Yeah.

I think it probably was favorable to him. TikTok was favorable to Donald Trump in the election. So why would you want to cancel that? Well, you know what your old boss is so good at? He's so good at picking off little constituencies. Like he got it. Oh, TikTok. Kids love TikTok. What do I care? I'll say TikTok's legal now. He picks, RFK. He's like,

You know, I don't know if this guy's a nut, but you know what? He's got a constituency, which he does. Like people who want to make America healthy again. RFK combines like people from the left and people from the right. People, libertarian types from the right and super healthy moms from the left who don't want, who want to have raw goat milk and don't want their kids to have unnecessary vaccines. So Trump's like, oh, I'll pick off him. I mean, he's...

He's going to pardon this guy who was running an internet website. He's in jail. That was like all the nastiest shit. And Trump's like,

Well, no, it doesn't hurt me if I, and he'll get like a million, because this guy's got like a million faithful followers. True. Millions. He's genius at doing that. Like picking off these little constituency where it doesn't hurt him. And it travels through the internet at the speed of light more than other things possibly. He pardons rappers. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kodak Black, he pardoned. Yeah. So like lots of black guys who... You like Kodak Black? He's pretty... I'm not sure I could name one of his songs, but I like his music. I do not know his music and that's all on me. Why? Is he really great? I mean, I listen to it a bit. I like it. I don't know. I'm not super aware of everything. What do you listen to when you're out on the tractor? Uh...

I listen to a lot of music that I... I was going to ask you that too, but I did ask you that. But if I would go to... I listen to like Joy Division. Joy Division. New Order. New Order.

I listen to Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash, I know him. Yeah, I listen to Neil Young. Neil Young, Canadian. There is a town in North Ontario. I live in North Ontario, absolutely. It hits close to home when you hear some Neil Young talking about Ontario. It's like Tom Petty singing about Ventura Boulevard. Right, I get it. It tugs on the... That's why I sang it. Yeah, absolutely. No, yeah.

yeah no i listen to uh no let me think of what else i listen to i want to i want to because when i was when i was younger i listened to a lot of rap music but i don't really listen to it as even the music i listened to growing up it doesn't you know i don't feel like listening to i won't say name the particular bands but it just i don't feel like listening to rap music that much as an adult i want to listen to something more like

Calming something that's gonna calm me down, you know, I got like when you get done with this RV trip that you're on Yeah, it's sort of yeah. Yeah, it's not an ongoing thing. We're just I'm heading back up to Canada to you guys stay put for a while Yeah, I'm touring doing stand-up. So I'll be going out doing shows and and we're what do you when you're on the road? Like so how many do you do like a bunch in a row? I

On this particular trip, it's been driving. So it was one nighter. So it was in Chattanooga, Nashville. And you drive to like a band. I was on this trip. I did. You know, over the last 20 years, I usually flew out. But when COVID happened, I kind of got this van. I started enjoying driving around because, you know, rather than going to a comedy club for a weekend and doing four shows, it's more like, oh, just do one nighter.

one-nighters across as I go and then not have to go to the airport, not have to go through all that. What do you do after the show? Well, right now I'm traveling with my fiancée, so we're having a great time. We go, you know, get dinner and do what a man and his fiancée does after a show. I know.

Well, I don't know what you thought this program was, Mr. Green, but it's a family show and we don't like intimation. But other than that, we go get dinner and go visit the city. And we have a few days off here and there. Well, right now, we're not actually doing any shows until I'm in Colorado in a couple of weeks. So I'm here in Los Angeles for a week. You know, here's something. I left Los Angeles and had not come back for...

Three and a half, almost four years until three days ago. So I lived here for 18 years. I lived here for 20 years. Really? When COVID happened, I sold my house when COVID happened that I'd owned for 18 years. There was nothing that brought you here. Well, I came here to see you. No, I mean, in all that time. No, there's nothing. Well, I wasn't trying to purposely avoid it, but I just kind of, yeah, it was sort of, there was no real reason to come other than I have friends here that I missed, but I...

talk to them all the time on the phone and stuff and facetime and stuff so so you're just kind of excited about setting up this farm but this so this is actually the first time i've been back so it's kind of and this is this is on netflix uh prime amazon prime yeah yeah absolutely yeah it's one prime and you know they didn't tell me to watch it but i'm anxious to see it yeah it's fine i should have seen it already i'm sorry it's okay i just wasn't told but

It's on Amazon called... I don't think we would have talked about a lot of the things we talked about tonight if you had watched it, so I think it worked out for the best. That was Larry King's thing always. He would do very little crap and he'd be like, hey, I want to be the guy who wants to know. If I know, why am I asking? You know I was Larry's guest host. I guess I love her again and I'm disappointed. Not love her again, I'm sorry.

I guest hosted his final show that he was doing there over. Did you ever do a show in Burbank in that church? A million times. Oh, in Burbank? Yeah, when he was doing it on Aura TV. Oh, Russian TV? No, well, he had a show on Russian TV, which is politicking, and then he had a talk show.

on Aura TV. - I feel like you gotta know when to get off the stage. - Yeah, absolutely. - I mean, Larry had a great run and I loved him. - I thought you were talking about us right now. - But no, 'cause we got real gigs. But like, Russian TV, I'm not gonna hang on on Russian TV. - No. - And I'm not going on that one of those celebrities go in the jungle. - Yeah, no.

Yeah, or a business competition with... All right. Let's wrap it up. Yeah. I could do it all night. So much fun. Welcome back to the homestead. Thank you, man. Thank you for the weed whacker, and I'll get you into whatever it is. Okay, thank you. That was so much fun. Thank you. Thank you. An honor. An honor and a pleasure. Thank you, Bill. Thank you.

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