Tony Hinchcliffe | Club Random
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I mean, even though he's like the last guy I would have over here to club random to like have a good time. That would really make it random. Guest here? I'm here. Hello. Place swept up? How's it going, my man? How are you? Good. So nice to meet you. Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe. Bill Maher. Okay.

A pleasure to meet you. Oh, the insult comic. I can feel the barbs coming. Should I not sit in the front row? No, you're safe. You're safe. If I'm in the front row, am I going to get spritzed with the comic barbs? You're not going to ask me where I'm from? No. No crowd work on you. No, come on. Do some crowd work. Ask me where I'm from. Where are you from? New Jersey. Oh.

Come on. There's a slow pitch down the middle of the plate, bro. New Jersey. That is a real, that is a shithole. Indeed. Well, come on. You could do better. A shithole, isn't that what you're famous for? I like to feel the people and know them a little bit better than just straight up. Oh, ask me what I do. And then I say nothing and you say, how do you know when you're done? Ha ha ha.

And then tip your waitress. That's it. So you came up through the clubs, right? Yes. Still in the clubs? Yep. Started at the comedy store literally 18 years ago yesterday. My mom texts me every year on May 6th and reminds me. I forget. She texts me, happy anniversary. How does she know that? You just tell her everything? Well, no, I told her that early on and she marked the calendar and she found it to be so interesting, my adventure into comedy.

comedy and the whole Mitzi Shore thing, moms are obsessed with finding out about, at least my mom found it so intriguing that there was such a powerful, diabolical, cool-ass woman that existed. She was all those things? Yeah. She was cool?

I never knew Mitzi. I mean, I auditioned, like, I was an improv act out here. Not that you couldn't do both, but I was just not her type of act. She went for the more, like, how do we say, theatrical. Yeah. Usually, not all of them. Letterman worked there. He certainly was a dry monologist. Yeah, yeah.

But I felt like when I was there, and I go there now just for fun every once in a while. I think it's great. I actually heard you were there on quite the magical night, laying low. You were sitting back. Yeah. It just so happened. I don't even know if you know this story. I don't. It just so happened to be the night that the new brand Spanking New that day came.

talent coordinator took over, which is a big deal. I think the last time they had a new booker slash talent coordinator there was eight or 10 or something years ago. And actually it was five years ago. And so it happened and

And somehow, coincidentally, on that night, a comedian or whoever was supposed to go up wasn't there. And there was a young lady who we all know, Nicole Buchanan, sitting in the back of the room who wasn't a paid regular. And the new talent coordinator who everybody's loved forever, but she was just a bartender and she worked her way up to being the booker, the trusted tastemaker of the store, was

Got Nicole Buchanan to go on stage and you watched I don't even know if you know this you watched a young lady That was so funny that everybody knows and loves become a paid regular right in front of you that night I certainly remember I don't remember the names. Yeah, but I do remember this highlight of the night was a Woman comic. Yeah, I mean it often is by the way when I go there Yeah, I'm not that the guys aren't funny too. But you know, I don't know. I mean

I just think they... This person was a scream. And I did not know that story. Yeah. She's great, and I've known her forever. She came up in the little roast battle world. It's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah, it is. And...

That's funny you say that, a talent coordinator. When I started in New York, the MC was the talent coordinator. There was no talent coordinator. They basically deputized one of the comedians. It was the plum job because then you weren't fighting City Hall. Otherwise, you were fighting City Hall. You could either fight City Hall or be City Hall. If you were the MC, also got paid $50. The comics got cab fare.

$50 a night. Wow. So, yeah, that was it. And that's the person who made all the decisions. You go on then. You go on after him. I don't remember anybody being corrupt about it, but it was certainly someone's personal taste. But then again, of course, it always is. Right. Yeah. I mean, is that your memory of starting out at the...

you thought it was fair or you thought it was like... When I got to the comedy store, it was a very interesting time because obviously Mitzi Shore was really sick. She had already had Parkinson's for 15 or 20 years or something. Yeah, but she would come in and watch showcases and most importantly, she would call

all the time. And I took on the job of being the phones guy at the comedy store when I got there. So I would work from, you know, like 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. answering the phones, which back then, because the comedy store didn't have a website until very recently.

That's how they sold tickets before people would come in. They'd call and they'd go, is there a show going on there? What do you guys sell, props or something? People didn't know what a comedy store was, a lot of people. So I would answer the phone and tell them, oh yeah, it's a great show. I was often lying about how great the shows were back then because it was kind of a dark time in 2007. But then all of a sudden, the phone would ring just like it would for a normal human calling to plan their trip a week out and it would be

Oh, hey, is Tommy there? What are you doing? Is there a lot of calls coming in? It's just this...

And as a store guy, I mean, whew, your heart would flutter. And it was just because famously she would fire people if she didn't like your tone, your voice, anything. She was famous for firing people on the spot. I mean, some people are hearing this and they're like, who the fuck are they talking about? But certainly within the comic community, she's legendary. The way, like, Sue Mengers, not...

Not everybody knows who that is, but she was the first powerful woman agent. Yeah. And famous enough that they did a Broadway show about her. Bette Midler played her. Huh. Do you know? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I don't know what it was called, like Come to Lunch or something. I used to go over to her house all the time. I mean, I was lucky. She just was a fan and invited me, and she'd have the most amazing dinner parties with, like, like,

She could just summon whoever it was. So it was like some of the new guard, you know, it'd be like, you know, Daniel Craig, fresh from the latest James Bond with Sidney Poitier and, you know, Joan Collins, you know. But...

So Mitzi, I feel like, is similar in the comic world. And somebody should do a movie about her. It sounds like she's more of a... almost better as a character. Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, that's something we've always... comedy store guys have always dreamed of. And it's a...

I mean, the actual truth of her story is more amazing than... And she's Pauly Shore's mother. Yeah. Right? People know Pauly Shore. Exactly, which is interesting because most people start with that. They go, that's Pauly Shore's mom. And it's like, yeah, but it's funny. And her husband was Sammy Shore, who was also a comic. Yep. Not like a big comic, but not a failure. Right. I mean, club comic. Yep.

I think respected among his peers. Yep. You know, one of those types who isn't that much of a Morty Gunty, you know, not really household names, but the comics know them and some people know them. You know, I don't know if Shecky Green, you know, I don't think is as famous as Buddy Hackett. Right. But as a comic, I don't see a huge difference. Right. Exactly. Since they're both dead. Yeah. I can speak freely. Yeah. You know, so...

Yeah. So he had, so Paul, he grew up, you know, in the, in the cavernous attics of the comedy store, the haunted, but it's haunted, right? The comedy store. Yeah. Yeah. That's what they say.

Have you ever seen chairs move? I hate that I have, but I did see a little something one time. It was the crazy. I hate that I saw it because it makes you sound crazy. Just always tell the truth. Yeah. That's my thing. I always just, you know, they got mad at me for telling the truth about the Trump dinner. I was like, I'm just going to tell the truth. And people were, so just tell the truth. You know, I understand your apprehension because it's like,

Well, then people say I'm this moron who believes in ghosts. Look, I ain't a moron and no one thinks I am. And I'm the first to say I don't know if I believe in ghosts, but I know so many people who are not crazy people. They're not religious and they weren't drunk. They swear to me. And they saw something that is just, for lack of a better word, some sort of ghost or spirit. So what is your story? I had been there.

I have not. Yeah, I hadn't either. Like I said, it's one of those wacky things where you're like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. And it hits you differently than you think it would when it happens. And I don't even know. Maybe it wasn't. It could have been anything. But...

It's funny because everybody, especially when you work there, especially when you work there all day and all night like I was when I got there at 22 years old, the whole first year or so, I was looking for one and hoping to see one. I'm not stoned every night looking around the corners feeling creeped out. I'd be the one that shut off the lights in the rooms and you'd be looking and you didn't see anything.

And then one day, middle of the damn day, sun blazing. It's like 1, 2, 3 p.m., somewhere in there. And I took a break from the phones to go smoke a cigarette. So you have to walk like down a hall and through the dark belly room because all those lights are off during the day.

And when I broke the pathway into the belly room, there was just a weird feeling that happened. And then this human height looking jellyfish, like vibrating, kind of see-through, but like

It's kind of, I don't even know how to describe, kind of jellyfish-esque, just this weird blob. A ghost. Yeah. It certainly seemed like it. Stop beating around the bush. I know. I know. It drives me crazy. If it happened to happen in Costello, I believe it. If it happened to the Bowery Boys, it could happen to anybody. Here's the crazy part of the story, is I didn't tell anybody. You ready for this? This is where shit gets weird. I didn't tell anybody. Absolutely.

at all because I didn't want anybody thinking, oh, Tony's high or nuts or almost passed out or whatever. No, no, not at that time. Even if you were, I got to say, and this wouldn't hold up in court, but the truth is different than what holds up in court. The truth is,

I don't know. Yes, I guess when I was 19 and I got high for the first few months and it was just almost an out-of-body experience. But I've been smoking for 50 years. I could be high. Exactly. And I still don't see ghosts. Yep. I'm not close. I wish I could get that high. Yep. Same. I've been 22 years of smoking pot every day. So if you say...

even if you were high, I still don't think it would make you see a ghost. I mean, it's not, it doesn't make us hallucinate. Exactly. Exactly. So, so how long, how long were you there in the room with the ghost?

I'd say probably five to ten seconds. You froze? Froze, and then I walked away. You would think you would run, but you don't feel like running. But it did stay there the whole time? Yeah. It didn't go first? It didn't go first. Oh.

Well, that says something about the ghost. It looked like it was... There wasn't like a face to it or anything. Right. But it looked like... The way it moved, it seemed like it was surprised to see me as I was to see it. I'm sure... Well, yeah, I'm sure it was. I mean, no, it's not going to have a face. It's not Robert Downey. It's not a rom-com. It's a ghost. But the belly room, which you referenced there, by the way, that's for people who don't know the Comedy Store...

It has three rooms, but the main room, which is like the big room, and then the original room, which is a smaller room, but also, you know, the same comics play it. It's all good comedy. And then upstairs, the belly room, which was the room for women comics. Yep.

So what's the ghost doing hanging out in the women's locker room? Exactly. So I walk away and I don't tell anybody. This is where shit gets crazy. Is later that night, the house piano player of 35 years or whatever, Jeff Scott, is... We always had a tradition where right before we opened the doors, because I would switch from being a phone guy to the front door guy, and...

At 7.30 or whatever, we'd set up the chairs. He would set up his keyboard and everything and get the room right. Then we'd have the room right, and then we'd go smoke a bowl. We'd come back to the original room and open the doors. And I'd see people, and he'd be playing the fucking ragtime on the piano. So this is where things get interesting. The exact same day that I saw whatever the hell I saw,

We're going to smoke. He's walking ahead of me. He walks through the bar. We're going to the back to sacred ground, that little alleyway. He gets ahead of me because I'm saying hi to a waitress in the bar area. And then by the time I'm almost to that door, he's walking by me, now this direction, like he had seen a ghost. And I go, Jeff, where are you going? We're smoking. He goes, whoa. And he snaps out of it. And he goes, dude,

I just saw something crazy. I go, what did you see? And I'm fucking tripping in my head because I literally am going, please don't fucking say a white kind of blobby jellyfish looking thing. Well, actually it's better if it's just one. Yeah.

Ghost. Yeah. Was it? It was. So it was the same ghost. Same exact thing, except this time it was outside and it moved how he said that my thing moved. It was kind of like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, the other thing it could be is an alien. I mean, again, I get the inclination to go, oh, please.

That people might be thinking or that we might be thinking about ourselves. But I'm sorry. Like I say, I've just heard this too many times from people. And there's just nothing wrong with saying, I don't fucking know.

And the alien theory also, there's nothing unscientific about the possibility that there is other life in the universe or that such life has been monitoring us or that such life is already among us. I always say everything that happens in movies, that happens in real life. You know, the premise of, what's the big one where they're Will Smith and...

Men in black. Yes. Men in black, yeah. You know, it's not like that. But could it be? Yes. Why wouldn't it be?

And the problem with talking about this stuff is that, especially with someone like you who is, I don't know if, you should tell me, I'm very curious. Your reputation now is a right winger because you did the Trump rally and told the Puerto Rico joke, which is a great joke.

You know, yeah. It was in the mix. It's a whole fucking conundrum. You would love to know the story because you would really understand it from a comedian's perspective. Like, I'm going there to kind of, you know, to do this thing about how, you know, free speech this and that and make those kinds of jokes. But I had a whole thing written and planned, you know, to go into the teleprompter. And...

That Puerto Rico joke was actually a joke that I had done a bunch in my stand-up and it's part of a bigger joke with more front-end and a longer back-end.

Like what? I'm curious. Well, it was basically at the end of the normal joke, I'm talking about the problems in the world. And I go, and I don't know if you guys know this, but there's a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's called Puerto Rico. And the point of the joke is that people picture, obviously, in my mind, obviously, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Of course, it's the classic misdirection. Yes, which I'm obsessed with, by the way. I can't believe nobody ever talks about the fact

that there's an island of plastic as big as Texas. Oh, I do. On my show. It's wild, right? Oh, I did a whole fucking thing. And the fucking, it's in the fish, it's in our sushi, which means it's in us. No, I've said it here also. If there's anything that's going to get us, they could possibly...

fix a lot of the air pollution because there are new strategies and technologies that are coming online. I can't describe them to you, but basically ways to clean up, you know, but the ocean, no, they don't have that at all. And they don't have a way apparently to get off plastic, um, that you can sell to the people. I think they, they die before they gave it up.

and they don't have a way to get it out of us, really. That one worries me more than air pollution, more than anything is plastic. Yep. But no, there's no doubt it's insulting to Puerto Ricans, but I have been over the same territory. I mean, I don't think I would do exactly that joke, but I certainly have done many that have been objected to. And my thing was always, you know what? Everybody has to accept in the framework of comedy,

We just, you know, and they're never fair. When we do a joke about the French surrendering, they did surrender, you know, to the Nazis. It's not like they are really more cowardly than anybody else. They planned badly and they built something called the Maginot Line, which

to keep out the Nazis after World War I, but they forgot to build it all the way to the ocean. Nazis just went around it. It wasn't cowardice, it was stupidity. Polish people are not especially dumber than anybody else, but they got that. Supermodels don't always throw up, but, you know, we...

And that's the thing is like the jokes, are they fair? They're not. Right. And we all just kind of have to suck it up for the sake of comedy. That would be my defense. I totally agree. Luckily, the Puerto Ricans, and I knew this going into it, and I knew it at the last second when I was doing it at 2.30 in the afternoon, which was another –

terrible problem. If there's one thing I was upset about... That was in the afternoon, that rally? Well, it started in the afternoon and it was supposed to go to the evening. When I got there, I go, when am I going up in this thing? And they go, you're up first. Can you imagine? Oh, you opened. You opened for the Trump rally. I went up after the goddamn national anthem. But did you do it because you're a supporter of Trump or just because it's an opportunity and a paycheck?

Was it a paycheck? No, it wasn't a paycheck. I did it literally to hopefully, you know, get some, hopefully, if only 10,000, not to mention 100,000, maybe 200, if we're lucky, actual people to vote for him. Oh, so you did want people to vote for Trump? Yes, without a doubt. Okay. I think he gets a weird, weird, weird rap in this world, man. And, you know. We're going to have to break off on that point.

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No, no. You know my thing. I talk to everybody. Yeah. And it's okay that we disagree on that. I just didn't really know until this moment that that's – I thought maybe you just were –

doing it for a gig and because you believe in free speech, but you're not really a Trumper. But, you know, I mean, I always say you can be against Trump and not hate half the people in the country who like him. I mean, you can't write them off. This is the controversy I just went through when I had dinner with him. I know.

you know, very kind of woke people who always hated me for, because they're so woke and I, you know, I just have no patience for those people. And, uh, you know, I do think I won that one because, uh, you know, I mean, people understand, especially since I went right back to my job of doing what I've always done, which is criticizing him as much as I did before. It's not like,

It's not like I was taken in by him, but I was going to be honest. And also, I think it's great to have an open dialogue no matter who it is. And it's just so pointlessly illogical to think, as the Democrats, some of them do, that if you have no power, which they have, you lost everything. You fucking lost everything. And now you're also not going to talk to the people who have the power? No.

And Trump is the kind of guy, I knew this even before I went there, but I certainly was confirmed. He's the kind of guy who everything is personal relationships, you know, much more than say a guy like Obama.

who was very logical and all business. And I don't think anybody felt like they were really close to Obama personally. Maybe like Valerie Jarrett and some people around him, but not other politicians. He wanted to be friendly with everybody. But that's not like, this guy's different. He comes from real estate and he comes from business and New York. So the idea that you think you're going to do better

by screaming, running out of the room, I'm not talking to you. It's just so bizarre to me. - Yeah, who did he do that to? - What? - I didn't see that. Who did he do that to? - Do what to? - Run out of the room saying I'm not gonna talk to you.

They're saying that to him, about him. The people who are criticizing me. You're exactly right. And I find that to be a very... The people who say, how could he have gone to the dinner? Gone to the dinner? It's dinner at the White House. How could you not? Exactly. It's, again, it would be different if I came out wearing the red hat. Yeah. Okay, somehow this succubus, you know, put his snake tongue down my throat and now I'm...

But that's not what happened. Right. And they just can't quite give it up, some of them. Oh, I think that is a quality that is across the boards to the far left. They are absolutists in the way of if you show any, any respect to the president of the United States. And let's not forget, he's also a former president of the United States. So it was a guy that like, you know, when I was going in to do that, that rally, the goal,

goal, you know, it wasn't just to swing a few thousand votes, hopefully, of whoever listens to my podcast or whoever liked my silly performance on the Tom Brady roast or whatever. It was also to fucking have the president go, that was cool. Thanks, man. That's awesome. I liked your set. You got the crowd going. Which, by the way, I did. Of course, that room isn't mic'd for a comedy show. No, he didn't.

I didn't get to talk to him that day. Tony, you must feel so bad about that. You go and you're for him and you're working for him and you like him and me, nothing but vitriol for 10 years and I get the invite. Isn't it wild?

But I said this when I did the piece on it. The best moment to me was when I brought in a list of 56 different insults he had said about me. I had it printed on a piece of paper. And he signed it. And it's on my wall. So cool. And it will always be one of the coolest artifacts. And it's...

It's just, you know, but here's my question that I'm fascinated about because like certain, I want to know if the comic community is different than the actorly community because the actorly community, the actors in this town, I won't mention any names and there are certain, I'm sure there are people who deviate, but generally,

It is the epicenter of wokeness. And, you know, I love show people, but I always say I'm in show business. I'm not really of it. There is a difference. Oh, yeah. And they just, you know, they're full on in, let's say. Oh, yeah. On everything. So if you deviate from there, it's hard to find your place there.

place at a dinner. No one would invite you out. I mean, you know, the right-wing types, even the Clint Eastwood, who was a Republican, but not that far right. I mean, because he's Clint Eastwood, you know, I'm sure people would still have him over. But there's just, I mean, they are just very clubby about the politics. What I want to know is, does

Does that pertain in the comedy world? Like, because you're a Trumper, I'm sure most of the comics are not. Is it, do they, do they treat you differently? Do they, is, are you in any way ostracized because of that? So here's what happened is I moved to Texas during the pandemic when they closed, when they triple closed everything in California. And

There was no indoor shows, and I went and did a show outdoors at the Magic Castle performing to people in cars where the cars had to be six feet apart from one another. The car. I swear to fucking God. The cars are going to give it to each other. I swear to fucking God. Oh, man, that was a terrible disease. Oh, Bill. And they gave people these clapper things, these little New Year's Eve noisemaker shaky things. Oh, I thought you honk your horn when you like it.

I'm surprised they actually didn't think of that. But they gave people these noisemakers and they would hold them out their windows and it would go clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Your car has a noisemaker built into it that sounds like a horn. It's called the horn. Yeah.

It's crazy. Even still, I mean, funny, for six months when the horrible forever flu happened, I did the monologue right over there. This room was all, the pool table was gone. This was the studio where I did that. Then I did the editorial out there sitting on the lawn. I mean, we did the show here for six months.

You know, some ways it made you more creative, but it was to do a monologue here. I wanted to keep the show as close to what it really was. I put on a suit and tie like I always had. And we had funny, you know, cutaways to old audiences laughing, which was people loved that bit. And we had a laugh track. You know, I would do the joke here and then they would play.

And I got through it, but I used to just walk out of after that taping. And of course I live, you know, next door. So I'd walk home and it'd be like,

I was so depressed. Oh, yeah. Because usually after the show, there's a little party and blah, blah. And then I was just like in the silence of my house. And oh, yes, we can't go out. And it was just like... And look, there are diseases in the world that I think might merit that, that are that dangerous. I just never thought it was that one. Exactly. 100% with you. So...

Not only was I doing these stupid outdoor shows, but just like you were saying, I'm the only person I think that I know that has a weekly live show in front of a live audience for 12 years every single week. So what we had to do, because I do a show where I pull a comedian's name out of the bucket. They do a minute of stand-up, and then I interview them. I see it. So...

We ended up Oh, you want to talk about fucking depressing We ended up

having people send in their minute sets. They're in their living room trying to do stand-up comedy. We had no laugh track, no recorded audience sound. So we're watching people do their sets, and then we would Zoom with them for the interview part. So how's it going? Well, not much of anything happening. Just been in my house playing video. Every interview was the same. Everything was the same for six, eight, whatever months during this thing. We had no live audiences whatsoever, especially

when you're used to that every single week, like I'm sure you were, it's just... You go through the craziest withdrawals. So when I went and visited Texas...

And they fucking have them indoors and the place is packed and there's no separation. I'm like, what the hell? I had the same experience going to Florida. The first set I did when they let us. And it was like, oh my God. I remember what freedom felt like. Exactly. And the day, I joke you not. And this is the thing. Because I would argue that we're more centered.

than left or right. I think you'd probably be shocked to know how I, at least from my perception, centrist we are. I've been watching you for my whole life, by the way. My mom always made sure we had HBO even though I was raised poor. So I kind of get you and it's crazy that I'm considered a right winger or that Rogan is or that Elon is. Well, anybody, I'm sorry, but anybody who is a Trumper

It's a different mindset that he'd have to be extremely different to get me over there. Right.

Right. And he knows that. I mean, a lot of this stuff is just way too insane and too far out there. And again, talking about a third term, this stuff is just intolerable. I think he's goofing around when he talks. I think he knows how to joke a little bit. That was my editorial two weeks ago. Like once it starts out as a joke and it's not a joke at a certain point. He's not going to go for a third term. Well, now he finally said he's not going to. Right.

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And they said, no, there are not. And, you know, that's what they got mad at me. But I was honest about the fact that he just...

You can have a conversation with him like that, and it doesn't explode into, like, he is some kind of Jekyll and Hyde. Because if you did that during a press conference, he'd be like, you're a disgusting person. Well, yeah. And he would just go into that other guy. And that guy just, you know, and they're so mad at me for, like, pointing this out. Like, I'm just pointing it out. You do what you will. I'm just pointing it out. I'm not saying it.

I'm not even giving an opinion on it, really. I'm just saying that's what my line was. I went down into the mine. This is what I found down there. Now you make your judgment what you want to do with that. Yeah, yeah. I find it all so interesting. It's wild. You said Doge was a disaster. What do you mean by that? He said we're going to save $2 trillion. $2 trillion.

By their best accounting, it's a minuscule percentage of the budget, like $150 billion. And it didn't even work. The budget, the deficit, it's all worse than ever. They're at some point going to have to deal with that. What we pay on interest on the debt now is...

The second highest thing we spend money on. The only other thing we spend more money on is Social Security. It's more than Medicare. It's more than defense. It's a trillion dollars just to service the debt, just to give banks money for loaning us money. And how long can that last? And they're not making it better. He's not fixing that. Look, his superpower is that he can turn on a dime

and change his policy on anything. And because it's a cult, they will just follow him. So tomorrow, he could change any of these policies. And he's done it a million times with people. He throws them out, invites them back in. I love you. You're the greatest. You're the worst, terrible person. And, you know, so do I love that kind of unpredictability? No, but the possibility that...

even if it's a slim one, that he could, you know, say, you know what? Republicans need to tax the rich. I ran on helping the common man and I'm going to do it. I don't think he's going to do it because they never do do it. But he could do it. I mean, this is a guy who just last week said, kids, you don't need 30 dolls. I'm Donnie Two Dolls.

Two fucking dolls. By the way, what kid even plays with dolls anymore? And then he says pencils. Pencils? I can't remember the last decade I even owned a pencil. A pencil? For what? Yeah. But like, you don't need 30 pencils. You need five. You need two dolls and five pencils. I mean, and I cannot imagine another political leader being able to get away with telling people

Fuck you. You think you're middle class? You're the working poor with a house full of crap. That's what you are. And you don't need all that crap. But, you know, when you got the...

Cult leader status, boy, I mean, it is amazing what you can get away with. Yeah. I think a lot of people look at it as a tactic, kind of. For example, when he came in the first time and guns a-blazing, tough on immigration, build a wall, build a wall, build a wall, build a wall, and people don't want to come in. This time he's flying people back to places and

And all this, I think he knows that he's publicly doing things to kind of lower the bar of people that are willing to illegally immigrate. Things like that, for an example. He knows what he's kind of publicly doing to play. Well, what he's doing is working. Yeah.

As far as stopping people from coming in. Yeah. If you ask me, it's not worth the price. It's not worth the price of suspending the Constitution of the United States, which says you can't just take people off the street and put them in a foreign prison. That is just insane. But if the message is, you know what?

You always had a free ride. If you thought you could come here, the worst that was going to happen is, oh, all bets are off, go back. Nope, you didn't make it. That's the worst that could happen. Probably you're just going to stay here. His message is, well, no. If you come here and we catch you, it might be worse for you. And, you know,

That is a deterrent. It is. And it is working. The number of people, you know. I think, yeah. Every action has a reaction. Like Biden went so fucking stupidly far toward a pretty much come one, come all, just walk right in policy. Yeah. And they have to own that to a degree. Right. Again, I do not support what Trump is doing, but I get where it comes from. Yeah.

Action, reaction. If you go that far, almost to your point you were asking me a minute ago about who's more right or left. Like if you go that far left, what do you expect? You are going to get people who come in and go that far right. So in a way, and if you don't win the election...

That's what's going to happen. Yeah. So Democrats have a lot of looking in the mirror to do. No doubt. I find it all very interesting and moving. Like I was saying, oh, so...

Let's just go back to the question. But nobody shuns you. I was just going to get to that, which is, you know, since I moved to Texas. Oh, because you're not in L.A. Exactly. But you're in L.A. sometimes. Sometimes. But what I've learned is that, especially after the rally election debacle and everything, is that the farther left...

even though they don't make it their identity or maybe talk about it on stage or whatever, the farther left people, comedians really, you know, they'll just talk shit on a podcast or they'll pretend like, you know,

Me and Rogan and everybody in Austin's a bunch of Nazis and all. You just have to agree with everything they say or you're not part of the club and all this crap. Meanwhile, again, it's like we're all pot smoking, pro-choice. If you're going to call us far right crazy people, you have to realize we're all far right.

formerly registered Democrat voters, and so is Rogan, and so is Elon, and so is Trump. All these people are famously old Democrats. Okay, but that's not where we are now. They're not Democrats now. And I understand why the Democratic Party gives them the heebie-jeebies. That's different than being all in on Trump, which they are.

But see, I have to believe that the comic community is just better than the actorly community. Oh, without a doubt. Because our business is calling out bullshit. Yes. And so it's just harder to be so doctrinaire about your politics. It just is. Yeah.

I'm not saying that most of us comics didn't vote the Democratic Party. Yes, but there's just more of a... If you're going to really do what we do and we do what we do best and call shit out and keep it real, which is what gets the good laughs, the good nutritious laughs, not the cheap laughs, you're going to be...

And you're going to be having to call out some stuff on the left, even if it's not, you know, specifically political. It's just the leftist kind of thinking and that kind of stuff because they are as crazy in their own way. They're just not as dangerous. You mean the left isn't as dangerous? The left is not as dangerous. Right.

Because they still believe... I would say that they are. That's an interesting one. Because it seems like the right-wingers are the ones with the guns and this and that. It feels that way. But, I mean, all of a sudden, the last couple of years, I'm looking at who the mass shooters are and this and that, and it is creepily... I'm talking about our way of life, which is governed by the type of...

of government we have. And they are still constitutionalists and institutionalists. Now, have they nibbled at the edges? Yes. Have they invited? As always, like we were saying with the other thing, there's always an invited backlash when you go too far.

So, you know, did Joe Biden do things that were imperial presidency things? Yes, of course he did. He said in his own words something like, you know, well, the Supreme Court said I couldn't give student loans, but I'll find a way. You know, OK, that's not nearly what Trump is doing, but it invites that kind of argument back.

From the right, which says, you know what? They all do it. And by, yeah, you know what? That's the problem. If you move a little bit here, Trump's going to go, oh, well, I'll, king me. I'll just jump over you and go 10 steps further and worse. And so that's where we are. But yeah.

I don't think they are equally dangerous because one side really would like an autocracy. They really don't want to have to deal with...

the left wing at all. They think the left wing is such an existential threat to our way of life that it would actually be better to be an autocracy than to be a democracy where they might win. And I would be very surprised if the next election is one that will just go smoothly. It only goes smoothly like the last one when they win. When they win, it goes smoothly. When they lose, it's a shit show because they don't accept

election results. Nothing is more important to me than that. You have to accept election results. That's the basis of everything. Right. And they're not there. Yeah.

You have no thoughts about the fact that perhaps because it was a lockdown and everything, that extra viewers from both sides could be in the voting areas and stuff? You're still saying the 2020 election was not...

Fair? Because even his own security team said it was fair. I get it. A lot of Republicans have. I mean, that's a dead horse that you got to stop beating. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that I think that. But there were a lot of votes that...

that didn't vote this year. And those votes were for the left. Well, he lost. He ran three times. He lost one and won two. That's pretty good. And you just got to be, you know,

Just be cool about it. I used to do a bit in my act about, you know, you ever watch the end of a football game? Okay, what happens? These coaches, these coaches whose whole life is football. They have no life except for Bill Belichick, who's fucking a 24-year-old. He changed it up completely, and I give him all the props in the world. But otherwise, coaches have no life. So when they lose the game, it's like the worst thing in the world. But what do they do?

They put on a face and they walk across the field and they stick out their hand and they said, "Good game, Andy."

Good luck next week against the Packers. Yeah. That's what a man does. Yeah. You don't say, I never lost, I could never lose, until they get their head wrapped around that. But it doesn't even matter. I'm much more concerned about what's going to happen in 2028. Yeah. And look, it could very well be he does step aside and that he lets Vance and Rubio fight it out because it looks like he's setting them up to...

to be the two heirs. - Yeah. - And then they run against Pete Buttigieg or whoever, and lots of things could happen there. And Vance or whoever could be the next, and absolutely could happen. Or what could happen is that Buttigieg wins

And they just don't accept it. And that I can't accept. I think it's a very Trump-esque thing, specifically him, to not want to acknowledge or admit a loss. I wouldn't say that's a... That's possible. I wouldn't say that's a... That is possible. Yeah, I wouldn't say that that's a trait of... That's possible, and it's also possible that Trumpism, that's part of it. Mm-hmm.

And his crowd wouldn't accept. I mean, look, Mike Pence is like persona non grata in the Republican Party. Yeah. Because he did the right thing. Yeah, he's a doofus, though. I mean, I agree with whatever. He did the right thing. He did do the right thing by admitting that the election results were the election results. They were. Right. But...

Pence is a doofus Maximus. Oh, of course. My point is, is whoever. You think I like Mike Pence? Right, of course. No, but, but like. J.D. Vance. But I do like Mike Pence. I mean, even though he's like the last guy I would have over here to club random to like have a good time. That would really make it random. You'd have to go all caps on random of Mike Pence's fucking dance. I would love to sit here and smoke, and blow pot smoke in Mike Pence's face. That would be awesome. Ah.

But, you know that he won't, he's so religious that he won't, what is it that he won't do? He won't be in a room with a woman who isn't his wife unless the wife is there too. Oh, that's a psycho. Oh, that's a guy that can't control himself. That's wild. Well.

As if he needs, you know, the security of his wife there. Otherwise, I mean, these chicks would be up on Mike Pence's jock. You know, they'd be like blowing him on the dance floor. Are you kidding? Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's who Mike Pence is. He's a Christian super duper. I mean, that was always what he was. He was a governor of Indiana and, you know, very conservative state, conservative guy, white hair. I always said he looks like the pilot in the airline video they show. Have you gotten to meet J.D. Vance?

No, never met JD. I got to tell you, all that I know about him is that this guy's a badass because when my stuff was going down that week...

Trump wasn't, he was kind of off rallies. He was off, he was just laying low for a bit. And J.D. Vance was taking the questions. He was out there kind of doing little rallies and taking questions from the people. And every single day, and trust me, I was watching like a hawk and we get sent the clips or whatever, whatever just happened. They would ask him, what do you think about the racist protests

Right. Comments from the speaker. They were calling me everything but a comedian. They could not say the word comedian. That's hysterical. Which I think really, I think it really backfired. That would piss me off. And when I was at the inauguration and everything, trust me, they were all...

high-fiving me and kissing my ass. Of course, at the inauguration. But they look at it like it was a massive part of them. They look at me doing what I did

And accidentally, right? It couldn't have been planned. Accidentally being the news for nine goddamn days during an election week. Stop pretending you don't love it. It put you on a different level. It definitely did. Don't try to sell me that you're suffering from this. Not at all. But during the time, it was very stressful.

Yes, of course. Just like my thing with the dinner was. It was stressful. But you know what? I didn't mind it because it was like, you know what? First of all, most of the people I'm hearing from are like, thank God for you and what you're doing. Even the liberals, you know, it's like they got it. Common sense. And also, you know, it's just, I'd rather...

You know, I'd rather live on, when is this, die standing than live on my knees. Absolutely. Just like, you know, it's what, one of the great compensating things about being a comedian is that that's what we do get to do is to speak our mind. And very few people have that luxury. I mean, God, talk to a publicist for any star. You know, they can't, they don't want them to say anything. Anything. Right.

Because anything is potentially-- I mean, Justin Timberlake once apologized for complimenting a black singer. I can't remember who it was. It was a cultural appropriation. He was like, I'm so sorry. I'll do better. What's the problem? You say you like Otis Redding. Whatever the fuck it was, it was so ridiculous. So publishers were like, just don't speak.

Just don't speak. And you see it on talk shows. They play games with them. Like, let's play tiddlywinks, and if you lose, I throw water in your face. Great. I don't have to say what I think about Gaza. Right. And we do. Yeah. And there is somewhat of a price to pay sometimes, and you could fall off the ledge. Yeah. But I don't know. The ability to speak your mind...

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I rode that wave, but my point is, is J.D. Vance, that entire week, he was taking these questions from the press like that. What are your thoughts about the racist comments? And he would nail it every time, day after day. What did he say? First of all, it's a comedian. I

I don't know why you're calling him a speaker. He was a comedian defending free speech. And where has our sense of humor gone? How do you not know that was a joke? That's clearly a joke. Maybe it wasn't the right time or place. Maybe. I'm not even saying. Like, he was just taking the questions like he was a comedian. Like, he understood the perspective of the mission. Yeah.

And common sense. If you ever get a gig where you're playing to a left-wing crowd, I have a way you could do this joke and slightly change it and it would still work. But think of some island where only rich white people go. So there's a floating island of garbage. It's called the Bahamas.

It's called Cayman Islands. Yeah. You will be lifted out on their shoulders. I am actually doing an entirely left-wing audience tonight. What? Yeah, because I'm performing at the Comedy Store here in LA. And will you be greeted by any sort of backlash-y, sort of like, oh...

He's on tonight or will they be like, he's a comic and that trumps Trump? They won't know until I'm up there because I'm a secret unannounced podcaster.

pop in, but I will feel it from 20% of the room. Assuredly, the girlfriends of the excited boyfriend's going to be like that. There's always a few just angry. They can't wait to show me. That's funny. Because they can't hide there. When I stopped doing The Road last year, but like...

For so many years, I would see somebody in the front row who was like this, arms folded, stone-faced. And it was just invariably the husband of a woman who loved me. A liberal woman loved me and dragged the husband. And I let it go for as long as I could in the show. And then I would just

- Yep. - Talk to the guy. And I would just point out, I know you're the big tough guy. You're the conservative, you're the tough people. And yet you let your wife drag you to a show you didn't want to go to.

I do the exact same thing and reverse it. And I go, and I go, and here you are stuck watching me because you were too insecure to let your man go out tonight without you because you think he'll fuck somebody else and one day he will. Okay.

no i got a better way to make him feel worse yeah you're so worried your man is going to go out and somebody else nobody wants to your mans you can stop worrying sweetheart this is not an issue that's going to come up oh he'll flirt but no one will take him up on you

So let him go. Let him fly. Free bird. It's fun when you see those people out there. It makes me, when I'm performing and I'll see it and I'll ignore it and I'll see it and I'll ignore it and I'll keep going. And the whole time I'll glance back, right? And I bet you would too when it happens to you. And you're trying to break them, right? You're trying to see maybe this one will get them, right? The angry face person to break. Right.

And we don't fight. If you get them to break, which happens a lot, you know, because eventually they can't help themselves, right? That's the great thing about comedy. And even now, right? I'm kind of leaning into this whole, you think I'm a racist thing, but I'm just obsessed with different cultures. I love stereotypes. This is kind of the theme of...

And currently the stuff that I'm working on is I'm actually leaning farther into this type of thing where I'm saying what I love about America is that we can all laugh at each other. Like black people do this and Asians are bad at this. And so now I'm really going for it. And it's so funny because they all hold strong on the things that affect them. Okay.

But then all of a sudden you're into something that doesn't affect them or they don't have an Asian friend or they don't have a black friend or they don't have this. And you find the thing that they agree with and they crack. And they do. People that try to have a bad time, people that try to not get comedy or purposefully find something unfunny, those are the most rewarding ones to get that laugh from.

Well, I got great advice when I started when I was complaining about a shitty crowd once. And a great comedian said to me, that's why they're here, because they're not in a good mood. They came here for the medicine of laughter. And you're the doctor saying, what the fuck are you doing in my office when you're sick?

Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, that's why I'm in your office. Wow. Because I'm sick, and I need what you can heal me with. So why are you mad at me? Wow. Do you remember who told you that? Yeah, I didn't want to say because it sounds like name-dropping. Okay. Who was it? Abraham Lincoln. Okay.

So tonight you're going on the Comedy Store? Yeah. I'm going to do some secret pop-ins tonight and tomorrow. Wow. And doing an arena in Anaheim on Friday. Yeah, you've got a big thing going on. Yeah. It's fun, right? It really is. It's a blast, man. 18, or actually 17 years ago, I was sleeping in the backseat of my car behind the Comedy Store. I used to park up on the hill, work my shifts that I was telling you about, and then you'd walk up to me.

the hill because I didn't even have the right to park in that little parking lot yet. So I'd walk up the hill, go get my car, pull it down, and then pull it all the way behind the comedy store, get in the back seat, sleep in the fetal position, wake up at 7, 8 a.m. or whatever, go shower in the main room, green room, and then go work the phones again, trying to write jokes. You're so lucky that you had that experience because everything that comes after is a

You're able to enjoy it because it wasn't handed to you. If it's handed to you, you can't ever really enjoy it. I'm so glad I'm not a nepo baby. Yeah. I mean, I know nepo babies, they're not any worse than us. They're not. But they're also not, you know, it's just stop telling. It's like trans women and biological women. Stop telling me the same thing. Right.

It's not a bad thing, but just tell me we're the exact same thing. Because it just is easier to be a nepo baby in this business. This business, first of all, if you're an internet outlet, a magazine, any place, anything with publicity, what do you want to cover more? Joe Schmoe.

Or Big Star's Child. Right. Which is a better story. Yeah. How's Johnny Depp's kid doing? Right. How's Bob Schmohawk's kid doing? Right. You know, and I'm not picking on her, and she's a fine actress, and they're all good, and blah, blah, blah. Very often they're very good because it is in their blood. Just the way athletes, which is completely different because you actually have to be good. But a lot of kids who are...

fathers were pro players are good because they hung around the stadium. So by the time they get to the stadium, it's not like, Oh my God, I'm in the stadium. It's like, yeah, I grew up here. What's the big deal. Yeah. Yeah. And dad taught me how to hit. Yeah.

And dad was Ron Carew. Yeah. Or whoever, you know. Yeah, where I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio, a very, very, at the time, dangerous. But the most dangerous neighborhood in America is Appalachia.

Where's that? What do you mean? The city? The place? It's not a city. Yeah. Like in the mountains? What do you mean? Jesus, didn't you go to high school? Yeah. Appalachia is a region of the country. I think it stretches across eight different states. It's where the hillbillies live. You ever see Winter's Bone? No? You should. You'll love it, being a hillbilly. Check it out. It's Jennifer Lawrence's first movie.

It's an indie movie, but it's about Appalachia, which is, I mean, it goes through Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky, coal miner's daughter. Have you heard of that? Yeah. Red or Lynn, butcher's holler, a holler. What's a holler? It's a place where people live. Like it's like a ghetto for fucking rednecks. Okay. Yeah.

That's the most dangerous place. Yeah. Because, you know, like they don't take to revenuers in there and government people. And like they got their own law and their own shit going on in there. And like really law enforcement does not want to fucking mess with these people. I mean, they mess much more with the inner city than they mess with Appalachia. Yeah. You know.

And like Winter's Bone, just an amazing movie, does not have a false note in it. And I say that as someone who would not know what a false note was because I'm very far from Appalachia. And yet I somehow know it doesn't. So you're originally from New Jersey and then you came straight here? Not straight here. I mean, I went to college in upstate New York and then went

after college went to New York City, which is where the comedy clubs were. The comedy store was certainly out here, but I wasn't ready for out here because that's where you went after you were ready to do Johnny Carson. Yeah. So there were three clubs, the three big clubs were the Improv, Catch a Rising Star, and the Comedy Store. There was also then the Comedy Cellar, which I know is still thriving. So you did as many sets as you could every night.

On the weekends, you could do six. You could do three in the early show and three in the late show. You were always running to a cab to get you downtown. So you could go run in right off the street sweating to do your show at the Comedy Cellar. It was crazy. That's how Austin is now.

What? Austin has that much of a comedy scene? Dude, there's eight comedy clubs within a few blocks of each other. So it's not even cabs and rushing. You can literally walk it. You can tell the person there, I got this. So Rogan has one. That must be the granddaddy club, right? Yeah. And it has two rooms.

Oh. With two shows a night. So that's... You could do four shows at that one club alone. Holy shit. Yeah. And you do? Yeah. Really? Still? Yeah. Holy shit. If I have... Even if it's only just one joke or one line...

that I'm really excited about. I'll do a whole set just to be able to figure out where to slide that in. I feel like when I really felt like I was good was when I made the decree to my agent or whoever is doing this,

I will never do more than one show a night. Yeah. You know, because sometimes they offer that like, oh, we can sell two shows. Right. Sorry, I always hated a second show. Yeah. When you're doing the same jokes. Right. I got bored of my act.

just doing one show a night, even just over the weekend. One reason I, well, I'm saying it's a reason I stopped doing it, but one thing I will not miss about the road is I would basically go every other weekend out. And it was such an easy thing. I'd take my own plane out.

I'd go to fucking Cincinnati or wherever, do a show Friday night, stay over in that city, fly to the next city the next day, do the show and fly right home. I was only out of my bed one night. It was the cushiest way to do a show. I still really didn't like the fact that on the first night, my act wasn't enough in my head.

So I wasn't saying it as good as I possibly could. Totally. And the second night, I was bored with it. Right. There was like no middle. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're spot on. That's exactly, exactly how I feel. And yeah, they try to, they, I'm at an interesting place now because it was always forever. It was comedy clubs forever.

Two shows on Friday, two shows on Saturday. Did you ever repeat the same joke? Oh, of course. Oh, are you kidding me? Oh, you mean in the second set, thinking that you do not remember. Thinking you hadn't done it in that show. Honestly, and I can't believe I haven't. This is an unbelievable fun fact, is that I haven't. There has been two, three, four times all time, and I'm talking about hundreds of road sets.

in which I've gone, I didn't already do that, did I? Or have I? Or in the setup, have I? You said that out loud? Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, you would know. Which is basically the same. Because they would not laugh the second time. Right, exactly. And then they would look at you like, you fucking fraud. But then again, I also. You fucking phony. There's also a part of me when I'm on the setup and they're kind of giggling and I'm wondering if I already did it. That's the worst. Yes, yes. Because it's like the two orbs of your brain. The one half is saying, no, no.

This is the logical half. I know I didn't do this joke because we're going by this order. This is why we're doing it in this order. And the other half of your brain is going, I think we did this in this show. And you're wondering, I'm wondering if they're laughing because I did it and they think I'm doing it again, like in order to just be funny, right? No, I did it once. They don't laugh. Right.

They look at you like you're an asshole, which you are. And again, I smoke a lot of marijuana. And so you just don't know. Well, that's why, you know, when you do more than one show, you have to have a specific order. You can't, you don't have the freedom to fuck around. Like, I love the idea. I always loved in standup the idea of I have a structure.

But I can, like, go away from it. But then I always come back to it, you know? It's like being out in space on one of those spacewalks. And it's great out here in space. Because they're going to pull you in, unless a space storm happens like it does in every movie where they do it. They get marooned out there. But then Sandra Bullock somehow winds up back on Earth. Right. I mean, that was amazing, right? Terrible ending.

Really? No. Oh, because...

But it's funny you mention that because literally I had my weekly, bi-weekly talk with my agents today. And they're like, and yeah, we'll be doing these shows before you get ready for your special taping in a few months. So here's what we're going to do. And if these sell good, we'll add another show. And I go, no, no, no, no, no. Good for you. We're not doing another show. I know you guys want me to do another show, getting 10%, sitting on your same ass that you would back then.

at home looking at the ocean waves, but I'm the one that has to do the goddamn show. There's no chance. Oh, right. And so, and I literally, what's funny is I literally, this was only two hours ago, I literally said, I think I burnt out all my stem cells in my body doing all those grinding shows when I was younger because I just find it so exhausting. And I, it's also, there's just more energy. I don't think there's been a scientific study on what we do at all really, but

But I think the higher the expectations of the crowd, right, that watches you every week, that's going, I don't ever go out, but I bought a ticket for this. I worked an extra shift this week to be able to get this ticket. And you feel that. You feel that. It's not the old days. I love that. Yeah. I mean, I love, if I had to summarize what I loved the most about doing stand-up on the road, it's,

They want me to do something that they feel only I can do for them. Right. And then I do it for them. Yeah. That's it. Yep.

Because there's so many choices. I'm not saying they never buy a ticket to another comedian. But there are a limited number of, you know, most people don't go to a lot of comedy shows in a year. Yeah. So you probably are one of their one or two or three favorite comics. So, like, you obviously do something that tickles them in a way that

that others don't and they want to get that from you. I love being the hero. I love delivering. That's, I think, what I miss most about the road. Yeah. But I was very surprised this year being home all the time. I don't miss it because people don't understand it's such a maintenance factor to have an act. I mean, I had my show,

I don't even count this podcast because I do zero preparation for this, obviously. I just show up and get high, which is great, which is a whole different thing. But an act you need to maintain. I compare it to playing the cello. You can't just pick it up three weeks after you didn't play it. It's an everyday kind of, it's a mistress. And you've got to feed her. And if you're Bill Belichick, give her all the deeds to your property. Yeah.

I've been defending Bill Belichick in the green room of the mothership. Sweetheart, I am Bill Belichick. I'm Bill Belichick without the nine Super Bowl rings. Yeah. People in the green room have been talking shit about him going, this girl's running his whole everything. I go...

What are you guys... First of all, you don't know what you're talking about. Second of all, it's proof that they were in the right, that the camera was pointed at her strangely during this interview. Strangely. Right? Right. They knew what the fuck they were doing. I go, we're here in Texas...

We hate the mainstream media. And meanwhile, we're going, oh, man, CBS exposed the fact that Belichick's being controlled. When have we ever agreed? When have we ever not thought they were up to something shady? And then I said, what was up with that reverse camera shot right on her? And then they started to like, oh, okay. But it's so true, man. It's like everyone wants to see, I call it my Game of Thrones theorist.

theory. When Game of Thrones came out and became the biggest show in the world back in the day, I think people started a thing in their heads where they wanted to see kings and

Fall. Because they were. Once every couple few weeks or months or whatever on that show, you were watching a new person gain the Iron Throne or this or that. And we want to build them up. Really? That's what happened on that show? You didn't watch it? I should have, I'm sure. I watched the first season and then I watched the last season. Oh, that's an interesting little sandwich. You know what? My problem is dragons.

I'm not a fantasy guy. Like, I was a history major. Yeah. So the history part of it, the part that looked like an actual medieval kingdom, I loved. And I could tell you about medieval kingdoms till you fell asleep. Yeah. I really could. It wouldn't take long. I know. So that I like. But like once you bring in the dragons, I'm kind of like,

I just can't hang with Dragon. I'm with you 100%. Only they have been able to do it correctly for me. Yeah, I like the last season. I mean, it was, and I especially appreciated the last episode, which was a tribute to Shakespeare, lost on the critics, I must say. That's another thing I get in arguments about all the time. I defend that last season of Game of Thrones to the...

tooth and nail. Well, you know, it was a two Brute. I mean, you know, you have to kill tyrants is what Shakespeare was saying in Julius Caesar. And, um, it was very bad. And I just don't think the modern audience gave a shit about any of that. It was like, there's the handsome guy get the fuck the blonde English chick, you know? I mean, uh, I don't know, but it was, uh, look, I'm always thrilled. Um,

when HBO has a huge hit because it only helps me. Totally. You know, the show ends and it's slow. And don't forget this week on Real Time, Bill Maher has some fucking egghead that like... I'll say it again. I was raised super poor.

but somehow my mom always made sure, I think it's because my dad used to visit once in a while to watch boxing matches because Boom Boom Mancini, a famous old boxer from Youngstown. And so, Oh, he was from Youngstown. Yeah. Okay. So I think she only did it so that he would hang out sometimes once in a great while. But when you say very poor, what are you talking about? What

Were you eating Cheez-Its from a dog bowl? Not that poor. I mean, first of all, Cheez-Its aren't the cheapest thing. I know you might not know. You've been making it for a while. No, I was poor. I was very poor. I was very poor from 18 to 27, like college. I mean, I didn't think of it as poor because we were at college, but when I look back, I'm like, are you kidding? I lived in fucking slums. They were slums. Ithaca, New York was like...

Appalachia, by the way. Appalachia, even though it's not officially part of Appalachia, yeah, Ithaca, New York, if you take away Cornell University, it's Appalachia. It's like fucking hillbillies. Very rural, very out in the country, very Trump country. Mm-hmm.

I'm not equating the two necessarily. Okay. You know being a Trumper isn't, what you're calling a Trumper isn't that crazy. I mean, he did win the popular vote. That doesn't mean it's not crazy.

That doesn't, those two things are not. Yeah. Okay. Right. That's fine. Look, you've been talking to me for what, an hour and a half? Yeah. Do I seem like a guy who hates you because you're a Trump? No, in the same way. And I never will be. That's why I think you're, believe it or not, a centrist. I am. Whatever you're going to say, I am. I think you're. Oh, I am. Yeah. I am. I'm center left. And I think I am too, believe it or not. I am, well, I am center left. To me, a Trumper is far right. Hmm.

There are old school Republicans. They are hiding right now, but they do exist. That's center right. Trump is different.

But we already went over that. Yeah. What were we just talking about? It was so interesting to me. Damn it. What was it? Oh, I had HBO when I was younger. Oh, yeah. So you were poor. Tell me what constitutes poor for you, and then I'm going to tell you what constitutes poor for me. Because I was poor when I was in Ithaca, poor when I moved to New York City, really poor. It wasn't until I moved here where I had the cheapest apartment you could get, but because it was California...

Your standard of living was so much higher. There was a bird outside your window instead of a bus. Yeah, yeah. Mic drop. Yeah. California. Yeah, mine was a different kind of poor when I first moved here, which was fucking looking for goddamn nickels and quarters on the ground and picking up every job I could. There was even a period of- How often do you find a nickel on the ground?

Back then it was more often because they actually used coins back then.

Like pencils. I know, exactly. Pencils, nickels. But yeah, I was raised pretty poor. My mom made sure that I went to, believe it or not, it's impossible to sound poor while saying that you went to the private school in town. But I did go to the private school in town. She forced my dad, who was, they were never married. They were in separate things. It's a whole crazy-ass story. But she made sure that my dad contributed enough to

By getting her work, running numbers, being a bookie in town. Yeah. So that she was able to put me through a private school, make sure that I always had a decent pair of shoes and HBO. So it's the wildest thing. That's all you need. That's all...

Shoes and HBO. I swear to God, those were the two things I had that all my buddies had. It's not TV, it's footwear. That's right. But man, it was a game changer for me. The comedy specials, absolutely 100% contributed. The last one was the best.

Have you seen my last one? No. Oh. I'm not going to watch yours until you watch mine. Okay. Deal. Why didn't you watch my last one? I don't watch anybody's specials. I like seeing them live. I can relate to that. I see enough people live to where I like waiting. I can relate to that. But you would like my last one. Oh, I'm positive I would. Again, I'm not kissing your ass. I've been a fan forever. I mean, all my initial politics and everything of anything about politics was through you. I...

I don't want to like pat myself on the back and say no one else could do this. But I do want to ask the question, why can't anyone else do this? I just don't see that many, I would say that many people. Like just talking to somebody else who, yes, may be a Trumper, and just not seeing them as this monster who you can't talk to. Right. I mean...

I'm not going to convince you, and you're not going to convince me. And we just accept that. Yeah. And I know what their answer is, which is like, how can you? These people are doing A, B, and C. And I'm like, you know what? I can't disagree with that. I don't agree with A, B, and C, especially if A is disappearing people and B is not listening to judges and blah, blah, blah. But okay, we tried the...

We're superior to you. You're deplorable. We're not talking to you. In fact, we can't have dinner with you because you're so deplorable. We tried that method. Yeah.

We tried the, I'm in the Oval Office, but I'm putting the folders in front of my face because I can't be seen with this person. I can't. I'm like, they'll never guess where we are. Right. Crazy. The gold won't give it away. Crazy. We tried that. And maybe that has...

Very little success. My method has a very little success, but that one has zero. Yeah, no doubt about it. That one has zero chance of success. And again, I feel like your people

They feel very slighted. They feel like they were called deplorables. You don't want to even have dinner with us. I mean, there's no question about it. The mainstream media, which was, you know, obviously very defensive of the left, really did it to themselves. I mean, calling...

People, Nazis, people calling me a speaker when you know damn well. I'm a Nazi. Larry David said I'm a Nazi. He did? Well, he said I had dinner with Hitler. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, how, and by the way, and I think literally when we say we do it to themselves, how dare anyone call Trump Hitler?

That is such an insult to the Jewish people. That's exactly what I said when I did an interview about it. It's like, among other things, first of all, as soon as you play the Hitler card, you've kind of lost the argument unless you're really dealing with Hitler, which, yes, we're not.

But agreed. Like, it is quite insulting to the ones that Hitler... I mean, Hitler, I keep calling him the goat of evil. He's the goat. Oh, yeah. You know, you can't... Don't try to... You know, don't answer that conversation like, who was better than Michael Jordan? Okay? It's Hitler. All right? Hitler's Michael Jordan of evil. Yeah. All right? LeBron's great.

It's different. Yeah. Six rings. Yeah. Six million people dead. And, you know, it's just like, stop it. Yep. There's different areas of it. Genghis Khan was the Wilt Chamberlain. Genghis Khan. I don't think people give Genghis Khan enough credit for as much of a mass murderer as he was. And also a mass spreader of semen. They estimate that something like 11%.

of people may have gang of like in eurasia may have genghis khan blood

Yes, absolutely. He made up for all the people he mercilessly killed by fucking endlessly and impregnating so many people. So, you know, I mean, you got to balance the good with the bad. I mean, either the sperm sample cup is half full or it's half empty. And I like to think it's half full. Yeah. That guy did a lot of, a lot of. Well, that's medieval history. I loved the.

I mean, would you like to hear about Genghis Khan? You know more? Oh, of course. Tell us more. Well, I mean. You have any more pot? Yes. Oh, you want pot? Yeah. Why don't you say so? I'm sorry, bro. Are you smoking cigarettes? I thought that was your jam. I do both. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. I got a lighter. Oh, okay. So, well, Genghis Khan from Mongolia conquered both East and West.

He got all the way to a city that, I can't remember the name, but it's currently Beijing. And then went all the way, almost to the Roman Empire, but stopped. I mean, they conquered Baghdad. I mean, wherever they conquered, they were very tolerant of different ways of being and different religions. What they were not tolerant of was any sort of objection to being subjected to Mongol rule. Right.

then they would just fucking kill everybody. But if you were like, okay, we're part of the Mongol Empire, they were actually very tolerant.

But nobody was more merciless or more successful for a long time. The reason they were stopped is because their warriors, which were the fiercest in history, they were raised on the grass steps of Central Asia and horses, horseback horses.

They ran out of grass for the horses in their conquering swath. And once they couldn't get enough grass for their horses to feed, they couldn't fight. And once they couldn't fight, they couldn't keep conquering. So they never got to Rome. Yeah. If they did, the conclave that was going on right now would be very different. Yeah. You know what I always found interesting? Oh, that's good. About Genghis Khan was...

When they buried him, I'm sure you know about this because it's so fascinating. When they buried him, the people that buried him got killed by people, right? And the people that killed those people got killed by people. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That's exactly what they did. So they wouldn't know where he was buried. Right. This is the part of the podcast where people are going, I guess the pot kicked in. Yeah.

Wait, they're talking about Genghis Khan now? What happened to the Comedy Store and Trump? Now we're on to Genghis Khan is killing everybody? It is kicking in, yeah. But you know, what people will say, because we were talking about ghosts, honestly, is that I guarantee this is already writing, they're already writing this, and it hasn't aired yet. Wow, see?

He's a Trumper, believes in conspiracy theories. Okay. So they're going to compare this to like Hillary ran a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor. Now, Tony, you don't really believe Hillary did run a... Okay, good. Because a lot of Trumpers do.

See, this is why people have some reason to be suspicious. That's the farthest extreme of the Trump side of things. Really, what percentage of people who voted for Donald Trump or in the, let's put it this way, what percentage of people in the administration, you don't think people like Pete Hegseth and Linda McMahon and I don't know, some of these people, Pam Bondi, you don't think they believe in things like that?

I mean, Bobby Kennedy came out for Chemtrails the other day. Did you see that? No, I didn't see that. And I like Bobby Kennedy, and he sat right there. Yeah. But Chemtrails? Yeah. It's an interesting one. You know, the... Not hard for you. Well... Hard for me. I just don't... You know, how the story was told was so interesting. I'm going to get you invited. I can't believe they... By the way, I can handle this with...

Well, really, any number of phone calls right now. But since you're so true blue, you should definitely get the White House treatment. And he'll show you the whole fucking White House, let me tell you. Yeah, I love it. He likes showing off the White House. And I don't blame him. Of course. I don't blame him for a second. I saw Kid Rock's White House a few weeks ago. Have you heard of this? What's that? Oh, my God. He's got the Southern White House. He mimicked his house as...

It's literally a southern version of the White House. You ever visit Nashville? Of course. Well. I've played it. Next time you go, if you happen to. The Ryman. Don't you play the Ryman? Yeah. One of always was one of my favorite stops. Oh, my God. It's one of the very few perfect venues in the world, I think.

Great to have you. But I just did the, this a few weeks ago, I did my podcast in the Bridgestone Arena two nights in a row. And Kid Rock was a guest on one of them with another comedian. On the show. Yeah. And it was a lot of fun. And we ended up going back to his place. Actually, we were there a couple nights before. Anyway, he modeled his house after the White House. Like it's built like the White House with,

Secret doors and chambers and elevators and all this diabolical shit. And it is so fucking cool. He waited years. He lived in a trailer on the property for years just scoping it out, seeing which way the water flowed and all of these different things. He's such an interesting guy.

somehow classy fucking guy. I love him. Yeah. We became friends and like, I know the left, I know the left wing hates that and you go, fuck yourselves. I will walk into a room with the devil if I want to. You go, fuck yourself.

But, and again, he's another perfect example of a guy who like, we don't agree, but you know, that's okay. And it's funny that people have said to me recently, like, are you mad at Kid Rock? Cause he took it. I said, mad at him? No.

I'm thankful that he extended the invitation. I'd do it again. Not again, again, because I did it once. I don't make it happen here, okay? But no, I'm mad at him. The only thing I'm mad at him about is that he convinced me to get that shitty Bobby Darin album I got. Oh, you did? Oh my God, it's so terrible. And he convinced me it was like the greatest thing in the world.

Damn. And you had to like order it on, I mean, it wasn't like on iTunes. You had to like actually get the physical CD. The CD? Yeah. Wow. Some record Bobby Darin made, like he was trying to be a hippie. Like after his splish splash, I was taking a bath. Yeah. That's interesting. I don't know why you like, but no, I mean, you got to, you got to accept. Yeah. That's one of the things I've,

really come to appreciate about these last couple of decades in my life that I didn't get when I was younger. Acceptance. Everything is acceptance. I would almost argue that it is a quality of

And again, I'm not a very political guy. I consider myself a centrist, but I would almost argue that it's becoming acceptance and that type of invitational, let's break bread energy somehow is becoming slightly a more quality of the right. And that's why them being called a racist, that's where everybody really fucked up.

Because, sure, Appalachia, I get it. Correct. But I live in the middle, smack dab middle of Texas, granted in the more liberal part of Austin, Texas. But I get out a lot, and I golf out 45 minutes that way or that way or that way, and I'll go hunting that way and that way. There's all these different parts.

And those people, if a black person walked up to their goddamn door, they would be, in my opinion...

A lot of them. A thousand times nicer than a suspicious, wacky liberal that's not used to welcoming people in or being a good neighbor. But that's near Austin. Sure. I'm also just talking about the road. I'm still out there. Honestly, both things exist in America. And I would say, first of all, when I say accepting...

I mean accepting of someone's personality. I don't mean accepting of their political policies. So don't anybody write in and say, Bill Maher said he should accept Trump. No, I don't accept Trump's bad policies. I accept humans. On the other thing, there was a story maybe a couple of years ago of some –

Black person walking up to some white guy's door for a very innocent reason and the guy just shot him. Some old fuck. And my answer to this is always, these people do exist in America, but they're my age. And it's not a growth industry. Racism.

It's just not. Those people, they do still exist in America. Or just the person, I know people of color who've said, you know, I went into this store in, you know, fucking the panhandle in Florida, and I just got a harsh, that happens, a harsh look from someone just because your skin is browner. That absolutely does exist. Totally.

But I also have been more on the page of trying to get my mostly liberal audience to understand you're not doing yourself any favors by pretending that America isn't a very, very different place than it was 10, 20, 30 years ago. It's night and day different than 50 years ago. Exactly.

I had someone tell me once that it's never been worse. I'm like, what do you mean it's never been worse? I brought that up in an editorial. Slavery used to exist. I said that in an editorial quoting Kevin Hart who said something about never been worse. And then he...

I said, worse than like 100 years ago when we had that, when they bombed the shit out of, what was that city in Oklahoma where they had this, they just destroyed the entire city. Tulsa. Yeah, Tulsa, the Tulsa race bombing. Worse than when Diana Ross and, you know,

Willie Mays couldn't stay at the same hotel. And he fired back about like, oh, we should be thankful that we're in the... No, I'm not saying you should be thankful. Right. It's not the point. And you know it's not the point. Right. I'm saying things are different. And to say everything, that things are worse than ever is just delusional. And it's not good. And it's the kind of... Irresponsibility of, you know...

And I love Kevin Hart, but that's a fucking... When people say things like that to where it's absolute, right? Things have never been worse. That's dangerous. With great power comes great responsibility. LeBron James put out an Instagram post that went super fucking ballistic the week of my shit. And the video started with me. And it edited out a whole... The beginning...

The part of the setup and basically the end. Yeah, of course we all have. But I mean, it's just, I really hate that. That kind of thing is what makes me say to that wing of the party. Yep. I'm an ally until you lie.

When you lie, then I can't be your ally. And I just fucking hate a lie. Just tell me what you think or what's the truth. Just don't fucking lie to me. Exactly. I'm just like an abused woman. He's been lying to me. Tell me it's lying if you just don't lie to me. But it really is true. Like women, it's like if people want to know like the main thing to do

to not piss off a woman, just don't lie. It's almost always the lying that'll get you. - Totally. I learned that early on. - Are you married? - No.

Never been married? No. Well, I was married for a short period of time. What do you mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. No, I'm high as shit, but I was married for a couple years. I'm high as shit and I forgot marriage? I'm not married now. Now I'm not sure about the ghost. Again. All right? Now the ghost is very much in suspicion.

No, I've been married. I'm not married. You were married? Yeah, just for a couple years. It was fun. It was a good little run. Met a girl who we couldn't fucking separate at all for a week or two. We were having so much damn fun. She is originally from Australia. And so she goes, my visa's up in a little bit. Oh, okay.

And I'm literally like, let's, it wasn't even like, I have no regrets. We're still extremely like best friends to this day. I'm the godfather to her fucking stunning little son. And we're happy. Actually, she'll be coming. So you don't think she used you to get. Not at all. It was literally my idea. I know what it looks like. I mean, it was, and we had a, you know, it was a blast. Looks like we should send her to prison in El Salvador. That's what it looks like.

to me, an immigrant who took advantage of an American and we should probably deport without trial. That's what it looks like to me, my friend. She's an American now, thank God. Yeah, because of you, right? Well, I mean... Once you marry them, they're good to go, right? Even if they get divorced, it's not like they divorced the country. I don't even know the rules. I just know they weren't going to... So why did it peter out?

Well, at the time... You got tired of the sexual intercourse? No, no, it wasn't that. It was just kind of... Usually it's that. She, you know, there was some addiction issues. The sexual intercourse? No. Oh. Yeah, well, I mean, she was... Sex was fine. Everything was good in that department, but... Sex was fine, no. It's got to be better than fine. It was great.

It was 10 years ago. It was great. A minute ago, it would be stupendous. My ex-wife, have you ever been married? Let's see, I'm very high, so I'm going to wait and think about it. No, I've never been married. One of the proudest achievements in my life. Not because I think marriage is bad, just because I think it would have been bad for me. So the fact that I was able to stick to my guns...

And not, you know, walk down the aisle. And of course, the more you listen to people who are married or were married. I mean, God, I just read that Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama, this is said that she hated. I hated my husband for 10 years when the kids were little. Who says that? I just don't understand that. Yeah.

And then she said, "But you know, we've been together 30, so 10 bad ones, I think that's pretty good."

I don't. Like, I'm not on that page that, oh, one decade of misery? Yeah. I can do that standing on my head, you know? They're like a mobster going, I can do 10, please. Yeah. It's cray, right? I would never do it again. You would never do it again? It was a one-time thing, yeah. I know myself well now. And what did you learn? Well...

Well, now things have just changed. Then it was a best friendship kind of while obviously hooking up. And now I'm just kind of...

As corny as it sounds, I just like my independence and I really, really have found a way to be super comfortable, you know, by myself. Doesn't sound corny to me. Yeah. Yeah. Some people lose their minds. They go, but don't you wanna, but don't you wanna? And it's like, don't you wanna like...

Don't you want to? Yeah. Let's take a look at our nights. That should definitely be a song. Yeah. Don't you want to? It should be on that Bobby Darin album if it's any good. It should be on Dua Lipa's album or Charlie C, X to the Z, whatever her name is. I mean, don't you want to? Because you're so right. That so sums up.

like what the argument is to people like us from the usual, don't you wanna? And then my answer was always, no, not, I don't, not really. Love means not what, how do you make me feel? It's like, what's,

right for you. If I love you being happy more than I love whatever you're giving to me, that's when you pass into the actual love stage as opposed to just, I mean, when I was younger, it was just, I love you. No, I love what you do for me. I love how you make me feel, but that's about me. That's not love. And that's okay, but it's just not. It's something different. So...

All right. Now that we've established that, I'm going to go to the end of the show. I hope I was good. I always get high on these things and don't know whether... Anyone who owns a home knows how much work it takes. Let

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