10th Anniversary Part 2
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Welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. Scott Aukerman here and, uh,

Wow, we are halfway through our special 10-hour episode. And by the way, a little behind the scenes here. Chef Kevin over here has been working tirelessly to...

try to figure out how to do the world's longest podcast. How do we put out a 10-hour episode? And it appears that there are no hosting sites who can host a 10-hour episode. Everything needs to be seven hours and 53 minutes is the maximum, I believe. So when we got the grand idea to do this,

We didn't even know that we were technically not able to. Other than the interesting part is Stitcher, part of the Earwolf family here, is actually the only place that you can hear this as one long uninterrupted 10 hour episode. So for everyone else, we've had to split it into two parts. So if you're getting it on iTunes or if you're listening on Spotify or whatever,

This is the beginning of the second part, but if you're listening on Stitcher, of course, we've just been rolling right through. But welcome back to those of you who have been listening on Stitcher, and if you happen to stumble upon part two for some reason and started there, go back to the beginning. I explain everything, but I'll give you a brief, brief explanation. This is a 10-hour show where a lot of Comedy Bang Bang's favorite guests from the past 10 years are dropping by with our open-door policy.

And so far we've had so many great guests. I think we're out of guests. I think there probably can be – I can't think of a single other guest that's ever appeared on this show. Wait a minute.

I know that Fonzie like A anywhere. What's going on Scotty? Hey it's Joey Tortolini. Yeah back at it. From years ago. Years. Oh my god. As I recall you were an unemployed person from the Sudan. Yeah I didn't have a lot going on. Although you did have a lot going on because on the weekends you would DJ in Las Vegas for $70,000 a gig. Minimum. Minimum.

Sure, what's the maximum? 22 mil, I think. One was $22 million. Oh, you made that. No, that's not just your gig. For one gig, yeah. Wow. It was a festival, you know, these things. Right. And then you have also won multiple lotteries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're doing okay, even though you're unemployed. I don't know. You don't know why? You know, lots of things have been going wrong.

Going a bit sideways. Oh, okay. You know, I haven't seen you in years. The listeners have always wondered whatever happened to you, and we haven't heard any details of your life in the past maybe four years. Yeah, yeah. You know, unless you subscribe to...

A couple of the minor magazines you probably wouldn't have heard too much about. Minor magazines? That's not Barely Legal. No, no, no. Well, I did appear in an issue of How to Help Your Teens, Barely Legal edition. You appeared in photographs or as articles? A photograph and a nice two-page spread.

Just because I was doing some outreach stuff in the cities and the streets and the slums. Just trying to get your message out there. Trying to help these teens. Yeah, okay. Did you help them? I helped a couple of teens get out of there. They got to go to that. I'm putting them in woodworking. Oh, okay. That's very nice of you. But when you say minor magazines, you just don't mean large publications. Yeah, small town stuff. Like what? New York Times, Washington Post, whatever.

London Express. The London Express. Wow. That's huge. The Dubai Monthly. It only comes out monthly. 12 times a year, apparently. 12 issues. You can collect them all, and they're fantastic page turners. Wow. So what have you been doing in these publications? You've been writing articles, or? I don't know if you've been following, but there's been a big online push for

To get me on the moon. To get you on the moon. To get me to get Joey Tortellini on the moon. You personally, not just anyone on the moon. Me personally. You personally. And what connection do you have to the moon? I mean, as I recall, you're from the Sudan, although you don't sound like it. No, not at all. You worked for the Sudanese government for a while. We were doing some crazy stuff in Darfur or something. I don't know.

I can't remember. You're accused of certain war misdemeanors. There was some shady business going on. Right. So then what do you have to do with that big ball of cheese up in the sky? It was in – as much as I have some people who are not big fans of me –

You don't say. I mean, you've done some things in your past. Yeah, but it's eye of the beholder, you know, like beauty. Sure, yeah. I have a bunch of people who are big, big fans, and they want, as a birthday gift, to get me up there on the moons. A birthday gift? Wow. So would this be a private spacecraft going to the moon, or they want to do the official U.S.,

They want to do official NASA. Official NASA. This isn't some SpaceX mumbo jumbo, what's his name, doing his publicity stuff. Elon Musk, right. Yeah, Elon Musk, more like Elon Tusk. Because he has a big nose like an elephant? Ivory's a bit taboo, I think. Okay, and he's taboo like Ivory is? Yeah, baby. Yo, you say baby too. I think so.

That's great. I can't remember. Good to know about you. Who's on the list of people saying baby? Oh, man, so many people. We got Gino. We got Tracy Reardon. So many people say baby. We keep a running tally. Oh, I can calm down on the baby. It wasn't my first. That was pretty much my first time. I was just trying it out. Oh, okay. Well, you know, if the spirit moves you during this conversation, feel free to pepper it with a few more babies. We'll see if there's another opportunity. Thank you, Scott. Okay.

Scotty. So they want it to be official NASA because they want it to count like it needs to be in continuity or something? Yeah, yeah. It doesn't count unless you're going through NASA. You know that, right? Oh, really? So you cannot say that you've been on the moon unless it's an official NASA exploration. All the Russians and the Chinese, they've never been. They've never been officially, officially to space. Officially, right. Or the moon or

Mars. Because the moon is actually U.S. soil, as I recall, because we planted the flag. And so, you know, we don't allow people to emigrate to the moon, I would imagine, like Russians and Chinese. Which is unfortunate because, I mean, well, it's frustrating to some of my friends in the Sudanese government because they got their eyes on that. They got their eyes on the moon. They've been trying to get there for years. Not going to happen.

So then what are the steps? I presume you would have to go to space camp. You would have to. Is everything all right? You keep coughing. The air quality today in Los Angeles is terrible. I'm so sorry. Also, your voice, just your natural speaking voice, is so gravelly. It must be so hard on your larynx. It's a tough one with such bad air quality. So you would have to go to space camp, which I saw a movie about back in the 80s. Jamie Girtz was in it, as I recall. I did it. I succeeded very. You did it. Yes.

They made me camp leader. Leader? Wow. So your grade point average must have been really sky high. 9.9. Wow. Out of 10. Out of 10. Oh, okay. I was going to say usually it's out of four, so... Why? Why out of four? I know. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense at all. I know. Why? What's... What do you...

How does it translate? And then people get above four all the time because they take extra credit stuff. So it's like you get a 4.5 or just make it 10. 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10. That's what they do in space camp. They'd never have anyone get 9.9 ever. Wow. Congrats. They called me Richter scale as a fun nickname. Was that fun for you? I hated it.

Scott, I fucking hate it. So you don't want me to call you Richter scale right now? Absolutely. If you can not, I would. It's very, very tempting. So I don't know if I'm going to be able to adhere to that request. Please find it in your heart, Scott. Please find it in your heart. Richter scale, what made you so good at space camp?

I just did all the work. And you know what? They were trying to figure it out. The big problem is Mars nowadays. What's the problem with Mars? They don't care about going to the moon. They'll put me on there if they raise enough money. Because they all want to get to Mars. They all want to get to Mars. Right. Who's going to get to Mars? That's the fun part for them is to get to Mars. That's their off time. That's the relaxation part.

Day by day, they're still trying to get to the moon. Right. But on the free time, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars. And then why do your fans want to get you to the moon and not to Mars? Because they think the moon is more achievable? It's just a, you'd have to ask them. Is that all they could raise on the GoFundMe? The Kickstarter was, hey, as a lark, let's get Joey Tortellini to the moon for him, right? Yeah.

So they just want to send you to the moon for fun. As a joke. How much money did they raise? It seems like... $22.6 trillion. Oh, my gosh. That's a lot. I think that should cover it. So is part of that bribes? Because you're not an astronaut. Not 0% an astronaut. But again, if we did the SpaceX, it would be more achievable. Sure. But with all that money, you could buy NASA, I would imagine. I would.

I would have to look into that. Why haven't you with that much money? Let me just get on my computer here. Oh, yeah. You brought a little laptop here. I got a laptop here. I'm going to just go to buynast.com. They got a running ticker of the price. Be careful that this isn't just to buy their website because a lot of people go to, you know, if you offer 21- No, it says there, this is not to buy the website because a lot of people have- Right.

Right. That's buynasawebsite.com. Right, right. You need to go to Squarespace for that. Oh, yeah. Buying domains is simple over there. Yeah.

You son of a bitch. I got you. I tricked you into being in an ad. Oh, son of a bitch. Okay. So how much is, they got a running ticker? You're right. It's not that much. It is just 20.1 trillion. So I'd actually be able to do it and still have a few trill. Yeah, have a little pocket money, a little walking around cash. A couple of 2.5 trill. Somewhere in there, yeah, a little lettuce for your tomato.

Yeah, you know, what the hell, let's do it. Wait, are you pressing the buy now button? Should I not? It was your idea. I think you should. I mean, then you can go to the moon, you can go to Mars, you can do whatever the hell you want. Here we go, Joey Tortellini, buying NASA.

One-click purchasing? That's it. There's no cart. There's nothing. Just buy now. You have a credit card on file, I would imagine. Obviously. What kind of credit card do you have that has that kind of limit? Who are you sponsored by? I have no credit card sponsorships. Well, maybe you can get that credit card money with American Express Black.

Oh, the blackest of American Express. Can I see your American Express black card? Sure. That is so black that I can't even see it. That is like my credit card's so black. It's invisible. It's like an absence of color. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's my credit card's so black that NASA finally just took a photograph of it. Are we doing snaps right now? Is that what's happening here?

I think this is treacherous territory. Oh, yeah. We need to get off this. I'm from the Sudan. I can do these jokes. I know, I know, but look. So maybe off-color for you. Pardon the pun. On-brand for you. Oh, yeah. Baby. Baby, there you go. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to pip you into it. So you own NASA now. Congratulations. Yeah, so maybe I do goes to the Mars.

To the Mars. So you'd rather go to Mars, but the people who gave you these trillions of dollars expect you to go to the moon. What do I care? You owe them that. You know what's going to be even better for my birthday? They're all expecting me to be on the moon. I can do a selfie video, say, hey, I'm on the moon.

What are we going to do? And then I turn around and reveal... That it's actually the red planet Mars. Yes. Wow. And I'm halfway through the terraforming. So, Joey, were there any sort of perks that you had to give people on the GoFundMe? Any sort of rewards that you had to give people? I didn't even start this thing. Right. But I did notice that there were some...

on the site. Right. So you have to give people like certain experiences or... Well, there's... If you contributed over $200,000, you'd get a signed T-shirt. Oh. It's me. It's me. I've got... I'm by my DJ set. I'm going, what the... So it's a photograph of you or a drawing of you? Oh, it's an artist. An artist did this. Hold on, I'm going to take a piss. Oh.

Don't do that right here in the studio. It's just a little tinkle. Don't worry about it. Okay, well, that's all right. That's why we have a toilet here, but I expect people to use it not during the show, but during the breaks. I got no shame. All right. Things I've seen, things I've done.

So for $200,000 and above, you can get a t-shirt that has an artist rendering of you next to your DJ equipment saying, what the? What the? It's pretty wacky though. I'm going, huh? Okay. The face I'm making on this thing. It's like, yikes. How many people pledged over $200,000? 95%. 95%. So these are- There were a couple of big donors though. Okay. How much did they contribute? Um.

We're going to have to do some math on here, but it was upwards of, it was in the billions. So a few people pledged $100 billion and more? Yeah. In order to make up that difference? Yeah. To have 90% do $200,000?

Yeah, we're going to have to at least go with a bunch of people doing hundreds of billions. I said at least 200,000. To get to over 22, whatever the trillion. Sure. I mean, if 90% pledged at least 200,000, then it can be any amount that you like. That's true. Okay. So, but there were a lot of big tickets. Are these like the 1% of the 1%? Are these the richest people in the world or fans of yours? Yeah. I mean, you could say that.

Are we talking Bezos? Yeah, yeah. But you know, you got to understand that I helped...

Through the early 2000s, I helped a lot of families. A lot of families, really? Families in need? Families in need. Remember, I would go to the house at night and sort of said, do you son or daughter, do they need, do you know where they are? Oh, I sort of recall that. And I would make sure that they were okay. Right. And anyone with disabilities, I would correct them. You'll correct their disabilities. Using what? I've heard of like corrections in Scientology and-

If there were physical disabilities, I'd smash them back into place. Okay. If there were mental disabilities, I'd just finally talk to these kids. Oh, psychological treatment. I would bring them back. Okay, wow. So you're some sort of a healer. You have like healing energy on you. I don't do the hippies, dippy dippies. Right. But I do do common hard science facts.

With just a force as well. You would sort of like putting a square peg in a round hole. You see these kids and they're going goo goo ga ga and they're too old to go goo goo ga ga. All you got to do is you got to look them right in the eye and say, what do you want?

Use your words. I see. Because that's a lot like acting. You all have wants when you're acting. So what is your primary want? I don't know. It was never an act. Baby. There we go. Number three.

So you helped out a lot of families in need. Yes. And so entire families, entire communities, cities, towns, countries, they all pulled together and they said, we got to get this guy on the moon. Wow. So my gift to them is saying, hey, on my birthday, we're not on the moon today. We're on Mars. And you think that'll be okay with them? I mean, there are certain things about the moon that everyone likes, the craters, the dark side. Yeah.

I think they're going to be pretty pleased because I'll be the first man on the moon. On the Mars. On the Mars. Right. And I'll be able to claim Mars. For America. Sudan. Oh, you'd do it for Sudan? I love Sudan. I,

I think a lot of these people want you to claim it for America, especially now. Well, I guess you own NASA. So it's NASA is now a Sudanese. It is a Sudanese entity. You are correct, sir. I don't know whether I should have encouraged you to buy that. So wait, is it going to what does NASA stand for again? It's North America Space Air Force. What is it? It's something like that. So is it just going to be CISA? No, it's going to be NASA's.

North American Space Association Sudan. Of Sudan. Nassau's. Okay, Nassau's. There you go. Okay. Perfect. So you're going to take Nassau's up to Mars. You're going to claim it for the Sudan. Correct. And everyone here who contributed to your GoFundMe page is now suddenly going to be, I don't know, I think they might be a little disappointed. Well, you know...

Right now, we're accepting all kinds of... If you want to immigrate to Sudan, you can get it now. Do it now. Okay. If you want to be part of the Martian revolution...

I have a feeling this sounds different than how I initially sounded. Well, I just, your age, we haven't seen you in four years. You know, your voice becomes naturally more gravelly. Yeah, something's different here. You did say do's both times, as I recall. I do's and I don'ts. So if you want to go to Sudan, you're taking all comers. Yeah, sure. Getting ready for the Martian Revolution. What does the Martian Revolution mean to you exactly? Meaning you're going to terraform and revolutionize Sudan.

Mars, and in case there are any Martians there, you're going to overtake them, much as we did with the Native Americans when we came to America? No, no, they're going to be sitting there going beep, bap, boop, boop, beep. I'm going to say, what do you want? Tell me what you need. Look them right in the eyes. What do you think that is? I mean, they could want anything. Well, have you ever tried to talk to a Martian? I've never even encountered a Martian, or maybe I haven't. I just don't know. Well, let me tell you, Scott.

I haven't either. But if I ever do, I'm going to look them right in the eyes and ask them, what do you want? What if they don't have eyes? What if they are not even humanoid in appearance? What do you know that doesn't have eyes? A flower? No, no, no, no, no, no. That lives and breathes and walks. Wise guy. I guess, I mean, there are certain human beings. Who? Name one person who doesn't have eyes. Well, I'll tell you, Sammy Davis Jr. famously only had one.

You know, he had a glass one. Okay, well, I look into his regular eye and say, what do you want? Okay, but what if he had lost his other one in a different car accident? Then he would have no eyes. That's so hypothetical. Now you're talking about a whole planet of creatures who've lost both eyes. In two different car accidents. Multiple car accidents. Maybe, I don't know. You know, you spin a good yarn, Scott.

But I don't. Joey Tortellini tells it how it is. Okay, well, good luck to you. I mean, when do you think you'll be making this trip? My birthday's tomorrow. It's tomorrow. Okay, so you got some work to do. Just under the wire. You need to start prepping this trip.

You need to call, I mean, you're the boss, so you need to call up your subordinates and tell them to prep the space rocket. Prep the rockets, get the biodome, get Pauly Shore, get the whole crew. We're going to Mars. You know, I mean, you spent some time at NASA in space camp. Are there, I mean, I think you're going to have to travel through several wormholes in space in order to get there by tomorrow. You know, we'll find them.

You're confident. Oh, we'll find them, Scott. Those Poindexters over there at NASA, I bet they know where all those things are. Those ding-dong human computers.

We're going to find them, those dorks. Well, congratulations and happy birthday. I mean, I don't know if you know this, but it's the birthday of this program, the 10th birthday of this program. What program? Do you not know I've been taping these conversations? You have? Oh, no. Uh-oh. I got to call my lawyer. Oh, please don't shut us down with an injunction. No, I got to go. Yeah, yeah, good to see you. Yeah, it's great to see you, Joey. Please come back more often. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. All right, we'll see you later. All right, bye, baby.

You got another one in. Oh. See, that's what this show is all about. Someone who has only made one appearance can come in here and make such an impression that years later, four years later, I can still remember almost every detail about his life. Wonderful. Wonderful. Thanks to Joey Tortellini for dropping by. And I think that... Who's this? Who's coming in now? Woo-hoo!

What, what, what, what? Oh, I would know that laugh and yeehaw and that what, what, what anywhere. What, what, what, what? Oh, it's my two good friends, Chelsea Chaspalmentary Peretti and Adam Scott from the Farts and Procreation episodes. What, what? Yes, what, what?

Thank you for those fart noises. I assume that's a woman orgasming, and that's the actual tape you're playing of you orgasming. And let me turn that off. Okay, thank you, Adam. This is how I really come. That sounds fun, actually. Yeah, it is. It's silly. It adds a touch of levity. It's silly. And I come like this. It's serious. It's...

I feel so terrible for your spouses. It also feels a little foreign.

What would happen if you would put those two styles together? Meaning, would you guys fuck in front of me? But like characters. Yeah, sure. Sure, whatever it takes. Correct. Whatever it takes to close the deal. Whatever it takes to get you two in the virtual sack. How are you guys doing? Thank you for dropping by. So good. So good to see you. You've been such wonderful parts of the show over the past 10 years. 10 years. That means you must be...

Oh, my God. Tenure. That's right. I have tenure now. Wow. You can't get fired. Can you imagine if they tried to fire me from the show? Oh, my God. Hey, listen, we're going a different way with the host. Tenure is such a racket. Isn't it? What do you mean when you say a racket? Not long enough? Scam, con, scam.

Tenure? What is that? There should be no stability. Oh, I thought you meant 10 years as a record. Oh, no, no. That's a real unit of time. Yeah, I agree. I think at a certain point, everyone should be forced to retire from whatever job they do. Yeah, no healthcare, no stability, no status. Just kick them to the curb. At latest 43 years old, you have to retire from any job. Right. It's a real Logan's Run kind of situation. Yep. Yeah. And why 43? Yeah. Because it's younger than I am.

And I just wanted to point it out. Yeah, and you want to retire. Uh-huh. What are you drinking from, Adam? He's 43 and a half. Oh, really? That's right. Oh, you're a big boy now. I'm drinking something that wasn't a trend 10 years ago. Speaking of 10 years ago, Topo Chico. Okay. And I'm sponsored by them now. Oh, you are? Congratulations. Thanks. You're wearing a very festive Hawaiian shirt, and you're drinking Topo Chico. With a Topo Chico t-shirt on underneath. Right, yeah. He's like a tropical blue.

Yeah, you're on the Topo Chico street team, I've noticed. Yeah, oh, I'm out. I'm doing, I'm a Topo Chico, official Topo Chico hype man. I've seen you out at Cedarhurst and Avocado. For sure, I'm out there on the corner with my sign. Just spreading the word, man, spreading the good word of Topo Chico. The sign doesn't say Topo Chico, though. That's what confuses me. No, it says, praise God. Yeah, so...

You're just hoping that someone will connect the dots. You're working on two things at once. Praising God and drinking some delicious water. Wow. Incredible. And spreading the good word. Are you sponsored by anyone, Chills? Not yet. Oh, you gotta get sponsored. However, I am looking for something to take on. Okay. Something to rep.

Sure. I will do it, of course, across all social media platforms. All social media platforms. I'm looking for something where I'm doing 25 Instagram posts. Okay. Including a one hour live. Okay. And this is over the course of a year? A week. A week. 25 a week regarding one product? 100. 125 posts.

Twitter posts a day. A day? Wow. I mean, do you have any idea what sect of product you want? Like, is there any? No, I'm open to anything. I don't have any moral qualms. Okay. That's going to be like a post every 12 minutes. Yeah. That's incredible. But, you know, I think my fans would go with it and I think they're buyers and I think they're...

have an incredible social media following. If I were a company, I would capitalize on this right now. How much does someone charge for something like this? Millions. Millions. But you would do it. Oh, God. So if someone came to you with, okay, let me just say. Three million dollars. Three million dollars. You would literally do 125 Twitter posts a day about their product. Now, see, this started off

as just a facetious thing, but yes, I would. You are committing right now to actually doing this. Three mil is kind of cheap for that kind of thing, too, considering what the Kardashians get. I mean, it would basically cut my following in half. I know. It's a lot of money, though. It's a lot of money. But if you did it as a bit, people would be like,

People would kind of enjoy it. They would eventually mute you. Everything's hashtag ad. Hashtag spawn. I love hashtag spawn. Spawn con. Uh-huh. I don't think I've seen spawn. I've seen ad. Hashtag. Oh, hashtag spawn? Search it. You've done hashtag ad. I've done hashtag ad, certainly. But hashtag spawn.

I've never done hashtag ad. Why do you say it so certainly? He's a celebrity. Oh, that's the difference. That's right. That's right. I mean, you just assume. Sometimes I feel like we're on equal footing because of the other show we do. Right, right. No. But no. Where we don't have any ads. No.

Big Little Lies. Yeah, people are way more interested in advertising with you as in just a celebrity than they are our actual show that we do. It's a topsy-turvy world and we're just living in it. Chelsea, are you in Big Little Lies too? Keep on lying? Spiritually. I watch it. I think about it. I cry.

Listen, Chelsea is all over that thing. I root for some of the gals and I don't root for others of the gals. That's right. I have no idea. I've never seen it, never will. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Always nice to meet a fan. Yeah. Oh, God. Huge, huge. But what do you have in the pipeline? You know what I talk about when I talk about the pipeline. I have some spicy Thai food in there. Really? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, exactly. I'm talking about your colon. Okay.

Tell us about your colon, Adam. Well, I've got two bowls of Kashi cereal in the pipeline that I'm excited about. So you, let me. Went down easy? I feel like it might shoot on out pretty easy, too. Two bowls of Kashi. Doesn't that sound scratchy? Yeah. Yeah, that sounds. Oh, man. Just you're constantly like, oh, I got to reshift. May as well have just eaten two heads of lettuce. Yeah, I hope he chewed well. Adam.

you do the two bowls of kashi in the morning. You do think thin bars the entire day. Two bowls of kashi. You know what? I haven't had a think thin bar in a long time. Since Bono gave us one? That's right. I was like, ah, fuck this. And the weird part is when you eat like that, you shit power bars. In the shape of power bars. But then you can sell them, especially if you're a celebrity. Hashtag ad. Spawn. Praise God. Hashtag spawn. Hashtag praise God.

If Spawn the movie came out during the social media era, do you think they would have hashtag Spawn? People would.

Is this sponsored content for the movie Spawn? And it would go Spawn, spelled the right way, and then hashtag Spawn. Spawn, S-P-O-N. And then hashtag Spawn the movie because, you know, people always do that. Of course, of course. You got to do both. God, I hope there's a reboot of it coming out soon so we can answer this question. Please, please, please. This wonderful, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Oh, mama. Come on, Spawn. Come on, bring it on, bring it on. Spawn, Spawn. Let's go Spawn, let's go Spawn, let's go Spawn, let's go. Spawn! Yay!

Spawn both ways. You did it, Spawn. You did it. Well, I guess there's nothing left for you guys to do but kiss. So... My bad.

My son only open mouth kisses. Your son only open mouth kisses. He'll be like, give me a kiss. He's like. He's just Frenching you the entire time? Yeah. No, he doesn't even move his mouth. He just comes towards you. Oh, you got to teach him how to do it right. It's so cute though. When our kids were babies, I wanted them to French me. Yeah, they're so cute.

French and babies. Do they still cuddle with you? I'm so scared of when that ends. Okay, great. Yeah, at what point? I think at 16, it's going to be like, hey, do you mind? Yeah. Get your own apartment. I'll take it. Ugh, you nasty fuck. Yeah, 16, I'll still...

Get off me. You nasty fuck. Do you want to record a drop here that you can just play for your children when they get older? Chelsea, here you go. Wait, it's me to them? Yeah. Please cuddle with me, hug me, hold me. Let's nuzzle into one another like we once did. Okay, now do the nasty fuck one so we get a clean one of those. Get off me, you nasty old fuck. Okay, good. I think we got both of those options. We can send them to you. You can email them both.

I'll say, listen, I knew this was coming. I'm not blindsided. Here we go. You just press play on a big boom box. Yeah. On Sonos. So it goes throughout the house. Oh, yeah. No matter what room they're in. I'm sponsored by Sonos, by the way. I just want to throw that out there. You're fucking killing it, dude. Sonos, keep it real with the speakers in the house. That's their tagline. That's their new slogan? That's terrible. No, keep it real with the speakers in the house. Thank you.

Thank you? Well, I came up with it, so thank you. Oh, that is terrible. And then some people in the house...

are using it as a hashtag and I do mean like speakers in the house. Right. Like Speaker Pelosi. Yeah. Right. They're also using the Sonos tag and there's been a big war. It's kind of flamed up. Oh yeah, I've seen that. Yeah, that's the biggest story in politics right now. Politicians versus Sonos. What do you guys think about Washington? For me... George W. with those little soft waves. For me, it's like... I had a theory about this a few episodes back.

For me, it's like the circus was, you know, the traveling circus, like the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey. I don't know. Showtime series? Yeah, exactly. So they're out there traveling. They land in Washington and they're like, we like it so much. I think maybe all the clowns will just stay here. Yeah. Yeah.

Tell me about it. You know what I mean? Yeah, let's drop this band of clowns off at the House of Representatives and we'll take up permanent residence. That's what I mean. Yeah, you're building on what I was saying, obviously. I'll say this. There are a bunch of clowns there in D.C.,

Is that what you're saying? Kind of. I mean, I was sort of circling around it. I think you said it maybe more clearly than I had really thought of it. Yeah. Any thoughts, Chelsea? On DC? Sure. It's a great comedy town. But now, I don't know. I don't know. When's the last time you were back? God, that's a great question. Probably five years. Five years?

Five years. So is half the time this show has been on the air. Wow. Five. It's all about your show. And when I was there, Obama was president. Wow. Did you see him? No, but I felt him everywhere. Yeah, I bet. It was his town. It's a real politics town, I've noticed.

It is. It's a company. Hollywood, it's for celebrities. Hollywood, stop that. Stop that right now. I don't like that kind of talk on this show. Well, no matter what you think about it, it's a company town, right? Right, yeah. It's a one-trick pony. It's kind of the same except politics. It's kind of the same thing. But it seems to me like people really talk about politics there. Hmm.

Yeah. Well, also, it's like you have the president there. Actually, the White House is there. I never looked at it that way. Yeah. That's sort of maybe, I guess, why, you know, people... People kind of flock there. Politicians, just because they have to do business, they have to go to the White House, knock on the door. Meetings and stuff. Right. Hello, is Mr. Donald Trump there? Right. Yeah. Is Donnie there? Then he's like...

I think maybe the clown car made a pit stop at the White House, too. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. You know, I had a theory about him that everyone calls him, you know, the commander in chief, obviously. But I sometimes think he's the tweeter in chief. Oh, I was going to say the commander in cheese. Or the orange in cheese. I don't know.

We should get together and workshop these. I just, I can't get enough of these tweet storms. How about Commander and Queef? This is better. This is better. Commander and Queef. Okay, this is a serious question because the debates are coming up next year in 2020. Oh, yeah.

Whoever wins the nomination, what if they just entire time called him the Commander-in-Qui. That would be incredible. He would have no comeback. And they're like, excuse me, sorry, Commander-in-Chief. And they just do it every single time. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Commander-in-Chief. He insults them or whatever. And then they go, well, that's rich coming out of you, the Commander-in-Qui. Yeah.

And he would have no rejoinder. He would say, Commander-in-Chief. I'm so sorry. But then like eight times during the debate, they call him the Commander-in-Queef. This is a good game plan. The one time they wink to the camera after. Like, I actually do know what I'm saying. Yeah, that's fun. Um.

That's how you get the millennial vote. Exactly. Any mention of queefs, you get like 100,000 millennials. They come stampede. They love queefs. Queefing is probably, sometimes I wish I were a woman so I could queef. I wish you were a woman too. Do you really? Yeah. Why? So we could be best friends? Well, like everything's hosted by guys. Yeah. And white guys and white straight guys. This should be, yeah, I should be a woman. It's okay though. The spirit of it is fun and feminine. Yeah.

Well, you know, we can't – you know, there are a lot of shows hosted by women and there are shows hosted by women who just gave up on the show and don't do it anymore. Me? Yeah, you. Me.

Well, you know, I never did ads, so that was less of an incentive, you know? But now, if I did one now, I would do all ads, and then at the end I say one thing that I'm going through in life. Like a half an hour of ads, and then just take it. Then I'm like, I ate spicy Thai food, and my stomach hurts. My car wouldn't start. And my car wouldn't start. That's a freebie. And I refuse to take it, too. The dealer. The dealer, yeah. Okay, if you want to do some ads right now, go ahead. Sighing. Try it.

Energy release comes from sighing, coughing, got a tickle in your throat, give it a cough, you'll see, coughing, you'll see, you'll see, you like it, coughing, giggling, when you don't want to laugh but you got some energy in you and you're kind of amused, give it a giggle,

You might just like what you find. What do you find? These are good ads. Thank you so much. Yeah, no, it's good. This is a good show. Yeah. You make a shitload of money from those ads. Yeah. Yeah. From the Medical Association. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Guys, thank you so much. It means the world to me that you dropped by and you did this. The world?

That's a lot. That's, yeah, maybe being hyperbolic. Thank you snow much. Is that like Jon Snow from Game of Thrones? Yeah, that or a snowman might say it. Mr. Snowman. Thank you snow much for having me. Mr. Police.

Thank you, Snow, much for having me. This is good. That's an earnest snowman who's kind. Thank you, Snow. This is a good character. Oh, they get a good gift. They're like, thank you, Snow, much. I've been eyeballing this. With coal for my eyes. Yeah, coal eyes. What is it, like a new carrot? Is that what we're giving him? Or a scarf? No, it's an extra carrot to put on his first dick. Hold on, let's high five. I've got to get over to you, though. All right, come here.

Okay, I'm coming back. Oh, that was good. Coordinated. That was some good shit. It was like such a perfect high five, it sounded like a clap. Sort of did. Such a good high five. You made perfect contact. That's what you're going for, though, usually, right? Yeah, you want that. It's a clap sound. A clapping sound. A high five primarily consists of a clapping sound.

Well, it's properly... Properly executed. Yeah, it's skin on skin. Skin on skin. Right? Properly executed. That's what he said. He was a dictator. This is good. There you go. No, let's keep going with that. Let's pull at this thread. Yeah.

Guys, thank you so much. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. You know, let alone the farts and procreation episodes, by the way, the vinyl record is out now. Did you see that, Chelsea? Yeah, it's beautiful. I just gave you guys your copies. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. Pick it up. But, you know, those episodes as well as the other episodes you've done, you've been big parts of the show over the past 10 years. Well, it's been an honor and just such a privilege

for the brain and the soul to just come be silly. And with no goal. Are you going to do an ad for clearing your throat now?

in your throat. You know what? Sometimes you got some phlegm in there. You'd think it was pronounced ph-ph-phlegm. Ph-helm. Ph-helm. Ph-helm. Mm-hmm. But it's not. And when you go, you get it out. And then you can talk in a clear voice. And you can swallow it. That's the thing, because it comes up at the top, and then it's just swishing around your mouth for a while. Yeah.

Then you give it a nice. Give it a nice gulp. Swallowing. But in seriousness. Yeah. En serio. Thanks for having me. It's a bright spot of life. E.

Yeah, thank you, cut. Snow much, Scott. Thank you, snow much. Okay. And in conclusion, thank you, snow much. No, I'm not accepting that. No, seriously, it has been snow fun. Okay, get out of here. Both of you get out of here. This show is snow fun, but I still... It's no fun. It's snow fun, but... Oh, it's snow fun. It's snow fun. Okay, please leave. Bye.

So good to see those guys. Some of the most special episodes we've ever done have been with those guys. The Farts and Procreation episodes one through four. Check those out if you haven't. Just pure silliness for an hour and a half apiece with our good friend Harris Whittles, who unfortunately, it would be my greatest wish to have him back on this show for this 10th anniversary. But

Go check those out and catch the vinyl if you can. Catch the vinyl. I don't think that's ever been said about vinyl. Catch the vinyl.

But I tell you, so many great old favorites dropping by that. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Who's knocking after they already opened the door and came in? Motherfucker, who do you think it is? Oh, it's our old friend Fabrice Fabrice. That's right, Scott. Fabrice Fabrice, the beast from the east. The name's so nice, you have to say it.

Again. That's right. A catchphrase that still holds up 10 years in, you motherfucking bitch. How long did you exist before the show started as well? I was born anew into this program. And of course, I was also in the program. I am a

Oh, you are. You're a friend of Bill W. I am a friend of Bill. I was. What's his last name? Bill Williamson. Oh, okay, great. I've always wondered. No one would tell me. His full name was William Williamson. And then I shortened up to Bill. And then it became Bill will suck your dick for a 40. And then he just became Bill again once he got sober. Okay.

Fabrice, it's so good to see you. We haven't seen you in so long. Fabrice, he did craft service on the Comedy Bang Bang television show. That's right. And that's his main job. That's the main thing that I have had done for myself in many years of labors. But since then, you know, obviously we have had our falling outs. That's true. I haven't really wanted to talk about it necessarily. And let's cut to that.

We're not cutting to it? It's not a clip show. It's a 10th anniversary show. Oh, this is not a clip show. No, sorry. We have nothing to cut to. Okay. Yeah, and besides, I don't think that we were taping our falling out. That was off mic. That was off mic. That's right. You would ask for heirloom baby cameras.

Which I don't think is an unreasonable request necessarily. Look, I do not like carrots that are different color than orange. I do not like a purple carrot. So just because you don't like them personally doesn't mean you can't serve them. It very much does actually because I believe one cannot serve food that one cannot stand behind.

That's why I will not stand behind. That's why I never served a tilty table. Well, it's fine that you... Because I cannot stand behind a tilty table. Yes, I understand. But what I'm trying to say is it's fine that you don't want to serve it, but I don't understand why you suddenly...

pitched such a fit and walked off and we haven't spoken since. Well, because Scott, sometimes it's the note behind the note, right? Okay, so we have had our disagreements about this particular... Any note is I have displeasure in the way you're doing your job. So unfortunately, any note is going to come out

As a little, you know, unfortunately, I didn't like the way your work was going at that particular moment. This is so typical Scott Aukerman to think that you were giving me the note. Okay. Because I was giving you the note. I don't know how. I was giving you the note that I did not like your reaction to me not wanting to get a little baby Karis on the set. It was more than that. It was you tossed over the entire craft service table. That's right. You started throwing things at me. That's right.

And it wasn't even craft service items. You weren't taking personal items. No, it was staplers. It was three-hole punches. It was binders full of schedules. Yeah.

And these are old scripts. And these are old scripts. And these are all things that you could find on a set. These are all things. Trust me. Yeah. If you go back and listen to this and ask someone who's in show business, they'll check off every single item. And let's go back and listen. Let's cut back and let's listen to that. Okay. Again, we do not have clips. Unfortunately, we cannot do this. Okay. So, and these are all things that you can find on a set as well as, you know, a

No, those are all the things. That's everything that I can think of. That's everything that I can think of. That's on a set, three hole punches. You go to NCIS New Orleans, you're going to find a lot of three hole punches. The Goldenrod revisions. Oh, that's right. That is right. That's classic set. I love to get pissed on. Speaking of Goldenrods.

But I don't know what you mean revisions. Well, you – Happening again. Yeah, exactly. It's happening again. And let's cut to that. Let's cut to me getting peed on. I don't think you want to cut to that. Even if we had tape of it, I don't think you want that to happen. Okay. Well, I could do sort of a Michael Winslow sort of a – It's just going to sound like psst.

Yeah, anyone can do this. Oh, goddammit. It's either a snake impression or peeing. It's salty. This is salty. That's not true. None of this is true. Fabrice Fabrice does not like to get peed on. No, okay. We want to make sure no one out there, if there are young, impressionable children out there, getting peed on is not fun. It's not hygienic. Yes, unless...

Unless you're a pee freak. Unless you're a pee freak. And then it's great. It's great fun. It's great fun and also very healthy. And it's been known to be said that pee is very good and actually very good for bacteria. It's a very good exfoliant from what I understand. Exactly. From what I understand. From what Scott understands from being pissed on. You know.

Is this now? This is for the podcast, right? This is going on. No, this is not the television show. We're not filming you currently. This is the 10 years of the podcast. The television show was five years that happened in the middle of those 10. Thank you for understanding the timeline of your life so far. Yes. And pre the podcast. Yes. I, nothing much happened. Oh, Scott, that's not true. That's not true.

I cannot even recall a time before this show. I remember working on Mr. Show. I was a craft services coordinator on Mr. Show. You were very nice to work on that show, and I recruited you from that show. That's right. And took you over to my own show. I remember saying to Bob, I remember when y'all were doing that Mr. Show, I said, Bob, why don't you play a lawyer?

I play lawyer sometimes. And he said, okay, Fabrice, I'm listening. He was intrigued. No jokes. I go, no jokes. Maybe sometimes, but no real jokes. But not right then. No big jokes. Just a lawyer. Just a lawyer. Exactly. And he said, okay. I go, Saul something. Anyway, I got to go. I got to go. So you almost created not only Better Call Saul, but Breaking Bad itself? Mm-hmm. Wow. Wow.

Amazing. I spent many years in Albuquerque. You did? Doing what? Yes. I was selling Chris Amato.

I don't think that you want to say that on mic. Why? It's too late. Is the statute of limitations over about the crystal meth? Yeah. I guess so. Yeah, maybe a Corpus Christi. Whatever. It's Corpus Christi. They can't call me back on that. They're going to have to go down to Corpus Christi to find me there. Is that where you're spending most of your time right now? I got family. I got family in Corpus Christi. Who is your family? I don't even know. Do they have two similar names as well? My friends are my family. Okay, so you don't actually have family family. Patrice Patrice. Oh.

Oh. He's my family. Well, unfortunately, he. Yes, he passed. He passed. Of course, Patrice O'Neill, my dearest friend of all. Oh, right. That's who I'm thinking of. Yes, that's who you're thinking of. Patrice O'Neill. Who's Patrice Patrice? Patrice Patrice is what I will call him.

Patrice O'Neill. Patrice O'Neill. In order for this to make sense. For this whole run to make sense. That's right. I appreciate that you have my back like that. Yes, of course. Always and forever, Scott. You gave me the greatest opportunity of all. I had you on the podcast 10 years ago. You were one of our very first guests and your career blew up. And this was before the TV show. This was before the TV show.

Because then there was the TV show for five years. Thank you for remembering my life now. And then there was time after that. Yes, exactly. And so now we are where we are. Now we are, but this is still continuing. We're just celebrating the 10 years. This is us.

Are you working on This Is Us now? I am the craft services coordinator on This Is Us. No spoilers for whoever is dead. I know a lot of people die on that show and I'll catch up with it someday. Honey, I would not tell you if you paid me. That's how much I love that crew.

That's how much I love being on that program. How's Milo? Milo's great. Is he dead? Milo is alive and well in real life. I cannot speak to his character, Ork. I cannot speak to his character, Ork. Mandy Moore. I love Mandy Moore. She is the sweetest person alive. Ryan Adams X. Ryan Adams, not the sweetest person alive. Would he come by the set? Allegedly. Allegedly.

He would ironically come by the set. Sterling K. Brown, the sweetest man alive. Amazing. Dan Fogelman, a wonderful boss. The NBC brass, I love them. Have we gone down the list of everything you know about This Is Us at this point?

Manny Moore is old on that show. Sometimes. Really? I have no idea. I've not seen it. Yes, Scott. I don't follow all of your various projects, unfortunately. Are you not watching a lot of network television these days? You know, I'm more of a premium cable guy. That's right. You've heard of the cable guy, right? Oh, I love the cable guy. I'm the premium cable guy. You know, I was the craft

services coordinator on the cable guy. Really? Yes. What was that set like? You have Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey. You had a lot of personalities. Is that where you met Bob originally? That's where I met Bob. I said, Bob.

I'm trying to remember. I think Mr. Show had been on the air. Bob actually got me on. Bob got me on a cable car. And Jack Black. Jack Black was on that movie. So many great people. Leslie Mann. That's where Judd Apatow got Leslie Mann. Leslie Mann was on that movie. Judd Apatow. Did you hook those guys up somehow? I said, hey, Judd, why don't you get together with this Leslie Mann? And Judd said, okay.

And then I said, don't have to tell me twice. And I didn't. And I refused to. I said that the advice so nice. I had to give it once. So and then and then I did that. And I said to Jim Carrey, I say, you know, you got the cable. You got you got Ace Ventura.

You got this. By the way, Cable Ace Awards. That's right. You know what I mean? I worked on a Cable Ace Awards. You were on a Cable Ace Awards. I was the craft services coordinator on the Cable Ace Awards. Were those for commercials or those were for cable programs? Those were for cable. That was the Clio Awards was for commercials. Was for the commercials, right. Do they still give those out anymore? Oh, my God. I did the craft services coordinator on the Clio Awards. Really? And I remember when they had that Where's the Beef Lady from the Wendy's commercial. Oh, really? Did they give her a Lifetime Achievement Award? Hey.

Hey, you old bitch. The beast's right here. And I had a bun on my dick and a bun. Oh, no. How did she take that? All the way down the throat. Oh, damn. Yeah.

We had fun. That was a different time in show business. It was a different time. You could do stuff like that. It was a different time. You could harass people. Right. And you'd just get away with it. And now things have changed. Things have changed over even the past 10 years. I mean, to think about the things that we used to do on set that I witnessed you do. Well, I don't think we need to talk about that. No, and you don't have any tape to that effect. And I have tape, and let's cut to some of that tape.

Again, we do not have any of that tape. I just think the things have changed. I mean, you know, some of our old friends are no longer with us. Of course, I was the craft service coordinator on the Charlie Rowe show. Oh, you were, really? The guy who famously took, he swam naked, I believe. He swam naked. I said, hey, Charlie, because originally he was going to do a show on a big, for

fluorescent room with lots of ordeals. And I was like, hey, Charlie, black room, nobody there. And he said, okay. Now, why would that be an idea? I was like, you can be in your robe and take out your people. You can take out your people. Are you saying people or people? I mean, it's in the eye of the beholder. You know, so I worked on that show. Let's see. I worked on The Chew with Mario Batali. Oh.

Oh, okay. I recall that show, yeah. And I was like, I got to get out of here. I can't work craft services on a show that's about food because nobody wants to eat that food. Yeah, exactly. They're eating there on the set. They're eating that on camera.

And that was the only problem with Mario Batali? That was the only problem with Mario Batali, except that he had a croc wrangler. He had some guy bringing him new orange crocs every day. And then he had new ones every day. New crocs. When you're Batali, you can afford it. I mean, walk a mile in those shoes. No, thank you. No, thank you. Stinky. And then also he had that vest. He had those fleece vests. Oh, right. Yeah. That was your only problem with him.

That was my big issue with him was his clothing attire. And then back to the cable guy, though. I remember that movie was originally very funny. Oh,

Oh, yeah. From what they say, the original cut was very funny. They made it a little darker. And then I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. Make it serious. Take away the jokes. This was you. Yeah, I said, no, no, no, no, no. Nobody wants to see Jim Carrey make jokes. Make it serious. Your ideas are scattershot at best. I mean, you had Breaking Bad, very successful, and then the Cable Guy. Vince Gilligan will claim.

Okay. In court and elsewhere. And elsewhere that he came up with. In court and other. On James Corden, wherever you want.

That he came up with that show himself, you know, and I'm like, come on, man. Come on, man. I go, I guess, you know, he and I used to play mini golf together. Miniature golf? Yeah, me and Vince Gilligan would play mini golf. Is that out in Albuquerque where you spend so much time with the Crystal Meth? Yeah, yeah. And I remember playing with him. I go, hey, hey, hey, hey, what about the dad from Malcolm in the Middle, but he got cancer?

So you independently told Bobby should play a lawyer, Saul something. Yeah. And then also independently told Vince Gilligan that the dad from Malcolm in the Middle should get cancer. That's right. Did you think, did you say he should just get cancer or he should play someone who had cancer? I mean, in a fit of rage, I said that.

I said that Bryan Cranston should get cast. What did Bryan Cranston ever do to the likes of you? He's such a good sport. He took it in stride. Oh, this was to his face. This was to his face. Was this on the Malcolm in the Middle set? This was. I was the craft services coordinator on Malcolm in the Middle. Oh, okay. How were those kids? Oh, they were great. They were wonderful. I remember telling Frankie, though, I said, get out of acting. Get into Formula One racing. Really? And so he said, you know what?

Fabrice, that's not a bad idea. So some of your ideas should be taken with a grain of salt because they haven't worked out so well. As I like to say, everything should be taken with a grain of salt because everything tastes better a little bit salty. That's right. That's why you have just a mound of it on the craft service table anytime that you're- Everybody, yeah, that's what it is. It's salt. Oh, wait, isn't that salt? It's cocaine. Why have I not been taking the cocaine? Because it, I don't know, Scott, but that cocaine makes you feel elegant and posh.

I will say I salted all of my food every single day when I was doing the Comedy Bang Bang television show. That's why you would talk so fast on those intros. I think so. That's what it was. Also, just why waste time on an intro? I agree. And I always felt like I was giving you that, no, Scott, you know, get through those intros, get through those intros, get through those intros. Yeah.

Do you miss being all set in that one room all day long for 15 hours a day? Just plowing through pages? Not really. Maybe I miss being on television. Sure. Hey, look, I was on that TV program as well. Yeah, doing 30 pages a day. Doing 30 pages a day on one improvised spoken word poem. Either way, it was... Either way, it's a hard, hard life. It was exhausting.

Well, you're one of our oldest friends, Fabrice. I mean, we haven't seen the likes of you in quite a bit, you know? And I wondered, I guess it was, you know, we were mad at each other. We had our falling outs. Anything more than that is...

I have been doing other things of recent. You have? Other hobbies or professions? Right. I've been dabbling in all types of things. I've been advising people. Advising people. I don't know what that means. Yeah, you know, it's a different time. So just even the idea of me, of me doing Febreze Febreze, I don't know if it's even acceptable anymore. It's so hard to tell. It's so hard to tell.

Hell no. I don't know. I mean, you're a wonderful character. I mean, person. Yes. You have wonderful characteristics, I guess is what I meant to say. That's right. And characteristics that can be found in many a person. Exactly. And very true to life. Exactly. And I think if you trace my representation on this show, you might feel a difference in the kind of things that I talk about.

I don't know what you mean. How do you, what exactly are you talking about here? I mean, I think 10 years ago on this show, I was a cruel beast. And now I'm all about positivity. That's right. Fabrice, Fabrice, I think your brand should be positivity. That's right. It's Fabrice. It's positivity. It's uplifting. It's acceptance. It's love. Exactly, Scott. How are you going to put that into practice? I'm going to open a gun range. Wow.

I don't see the connection. If everybody carries a gun, everyone will feel safer. It's like no one is carrying a gun. Exactly. I'm a spokesman for the NRA now. Okay. I don't know that this is the direction that you should be going down. No, that's right. I got a jingle for the NRA now. Okay. What is it? Hey.

NRA. Join us and shoot other people with your gun and save everybody. NRA. NRA. NRA. NRA. I love the little tag at the end. It's almost like a post-credit scene in a Marvel movie. That's right.

I love those Marvel movies. What do you love about them? You know, Avengers Endgame now has been out for three days or so. That's right! Made a billion dollars at the box office. So exciting. You know, I've worked on all of those Marvel movies. Every single one from Iron Man to Avengers Endgame? Iron Man with the wasp.

Ant-Man with the wasp. Ant-Man with the wasp. And all of them up to this endgame, Avengers endgame. And it was a tearful production for us to be a part of. Really? I don't know why. I mean, they say that spending a lot of time in one green room can get very...

Tough on the psyche. No, it brought us all together and to watch all of those male actors bonding with each other, the camaraderie of movie stars. They all got to get very buff for those things. They all lift weights. For one 15-second scene when they take their shirt off. Yeah. And the other female characters look at them like, ooh, look at this. Oh, look at that. And oh, those are my favorite days. You know what I mean? I don't know. Because one of them will come by for water or something. I need some water. I go, uh-uh-uh.

You're not allowed water today. We got to dehydrate. You make those veins pop. So it's your favorite day just simply because you don't have to serve them the water? I don't have to serve that Paul Rubb motherfucker a drip drop of water. Paul's a friend of the show. He's been on this program. He might be a friend of the show, but he's not a friend of Fabrice Fabrice.

Motherfucker shoots elephant cum into his face. That's why he looks so young. Is that his secret? That's how he looks so young. That question never came up on this show when he was on it. Next time you see. Next time you see. Should I just make some sort of like maybe a sound effect to like. Oh, wait, that's a horse. Yeah. No, but elephants like horses, so he'll get all excited. No, it's true. People don't know that. Wow. People don't know that. People don't know elephants like horses or that he injects elephant cum into his face. Both, I think.

But so on the days, that's what I don't understand about those movies. And that's why I had to quit is I said, you know, they got to get all jacked up. They don't drink water. So those things pop. I go, y'all got fucking everybody flying through the sky. This all this CGI. CGI the body. I could be in these movies. You could, Scott. You know what I mean? Like, I don't have. Straight up. Oh, thank you. I mean, I was hoping you would notice. If you want, I'll put in a word. Could you? With whom? Kevin Feige. Kevin Feige.

Really? You're going all the way to the top. I'm going to get a fight. Okay, call him up. I'll take that shot. For me? You know what? I already spoke to him. Let's cut to that take.

Okay, we don't have it. I doubt that you already spoke to him because this is the first time we're talking about Marvel movies. I know. It's true, though. You're an invertebrate liar. What's that? You're a liar. I am a liar liar. I worked on that movie, too. Liar liar. Wow, you had a really big streak with Jim Carrey. I had a run with Jim. Yeah, when did the run end with Jim? After Eternal, after Truman Show. Oh, okay. I got on that movie. I go, this is depressing. This motherfucker, you know...

God doesn't know where the sky is. It's a wall. Bummer. I got to get out. You know what I mean? Really? So you had not read the script previous to that? No, I never read a single script. I guess you don't have to when you're a craft server because your work...

Doesn't change, you know, depending on... Oh, the snacks I provide depend on what's happening on set that day. If you don't read the script, then how are you able to predict? I just vibe it out. You know what I mean? For example, Avengers Endgame, which we have all seen. Sure, but...

You know, I thought, and I think if you haven't seen it yet, I don't think I'm spoiling anything. Please don't spoil anything for Avengers Endgame. But the gang gets back together. Okay, good. Yeah, the gang's back together. That's safe to say. I don't know if I'm spoiling anything. Look, it's right there on the poster. We got to get the gang back together so that purple Josh Brolin don't fuck everything up. Right, yeah. Is that right? With the ball sack on his chin. Yes, exactly. Yeah, D's nuts right on his head. Well, but that's exactly perfect is that I will, when he's on set,

I get balsamic vinegar for everything so that he can put his ball sack right in that ball sack. It's purple. It's got ball sack. It's purple. It's that ball sack. It's all that. And that's the kind of thing I'm always thinking about. Yeah. You're incredible at your work. Oh, gosh, Scott. You know what I want to say is that I think you're spectacular at what you do as well. And what is it that you think I do? I think...

think that you sit here that's the main thing is i sit here and you can you talk to these people these personalities wonderful personalities you are the glue scott thank you so much you are the glue you are the you are the massacred horse you are the of the podcast you are you are without your horse corpse

Turning into glue. I'm like those horses that died on the TV show Luck. Exactly. Which you worked on as well, I recall. I worked on that show. Did you have anything to do with the horses dying? I broke a couple of those horses' ankles. How? Playing basketball with them. Oh, no. Cross them over.

I cross over. I go, wah, wah, wah. I cross him over. Uh-oh. A horse fell down. It was on YouTube. It was on Instagram. Motherfucking horse looked like a motherfucking idiot. That reminds me of one of my favorite basketball movies of recent times. Uncle Drew. Uncle Drew. Yeah, it worked.

Uncle Drew. You worked on Uncle Drew. That's right. What's the cast like there? It was fun. Shaquille O'Neal. That dude's fun. Yeah. When he eats like a regular sandwich, it looks like a small sandwich. It's funny, isn't it? It's funny. You know, he should always eat some giant sized things. When he's drinking a normal water, it looks like a tiny water. When he's drinking a tiny water. Oh my God. When he's drinking a tiny water. You can't even see it. You're like, how is that guy eating a toenail?

He looks like he's drinking a toenail. It's so small in his hand. Wow. What a fun set. It was such a fun time. What about our friend Nick Kroll? Did you ever... I've worked with Nick. Nick is, you know, it's Nick's difficult with craft services now because he loves chocolates and sweets so much. Oh, yeah. But he doesn't want to eat them because he's on camera sometimes. He's in the prime of his career and it's very tough. But he can't stop eating that dark chocolate and peanut butter pretzel.

He loves it. He loves it. I don't think you should be giving away his secrets. I mean, he probably wouldn't want anyone to know these guys. No, he...

I think it makes him more relatable that he can't stop eating Cool Ridge Doritos. Oh, but he'll eat some. You know what he'll do is that I'm doing carrots and hummus. I go, okay, Nick. Okay, Nick. Remember, you want to be a star. You want to be a star. You've had this dream ever since you were young. Ever since you were a little boy, you wanted to be an actor. And to be on camera, you have to have one of those Avengers bodies. Somehow you can't get work. Right. Because that's why you're on camera. Because you have a nice body. Yeah.

No, motherfucker. I wish that they would just shoot us from the top of the head to the chin. Yeah, from mid-forehead. Because that's all anyone cares about. Nick will always request mid-forehead to just below the mouth. Right. Don't want to see a hairline. Don't want to see a double chin. I'm not sure he would want that nose involved either. Like, maybe just a black box in the center of the screen. If you notice, when Nick is acting, he's got always like an index card in front of that nose. So it's just...

Eyes and lips. Eyes and lips. That's all he wants. The Nick Kroll story. Eyes and lips. Eyes and lips. That's all he wants. And you know what? I mean, you know, it works. It works. It works for him. It works for him. Yep. I'll tell you what doesn't work for him. What's that? All those candy bars. Yeah, this is too bad. He loves them. He loves those candy bars. Look, I can relate. I can relate. Ugh. But anyway.

And I tried to tell him, I said, Nick, it's okay. You eat what you want. You feel good about yourself. He goes, but I'm so tired. I eat this sugar. I got so tired. I want to get hypnotized. That's the thing that we starve ourselves to be on camera. And then you expect people when they watch us, they should just think this person is starving the entire movie. That's what they want. That's what they want to feel that you have suffered for your orc.

And the truth is, nobody cares. Nobody cares. No one cares. Look, we're all going to look. You and I would talk about philosophy a lot backstage. Honey, we all going to burn up. Do you mean because of the environment or do you mean in hell? Oh, both. So we burn up here and then we go to hell and burn again? We get chored to a crisp. This is a double burn.

That's a double burn. I hate it. Yeah. At least let me freeze to death here so that my first few minutes in hell, I'm just thawing out. No.

No, that's worse. Because you know when you've been out in the cold and then you come back in and your woman will warm up and then your toes hurt? Yeah. That's eternity. Right. I guess you're right. Yeah. I would prefer just to be charred to a crisp. Oh, to be charred to a crisp and then spread with a little balsamic glaze. Eat that up. That's nice. That's a good food. It is a really good food. Yeah. Well, Fabrice, I miss you. Oh, Scott.

It's nice to be back in here. We should figure out whether you're allowed to come back or not. What do we think, everybody out there in the world? Let's vote. Is Fabrice Fabrice allowed to continue? Is it no longer an acceptable thing to do? Can Fabrice exist? Let us know. Or is it a different time? I don't know. Honestly, I am good either way.

Well, Fabrice, I... If this is the last time I see you, Scott, I want you to know what a goddamn pleasure it's been to be on this podcast and on this show for 10 years. The pleasure has been all mine. 10 years. 10 years. Wow. You're one of our oldest friends. I really appreciate you making the time back then and now and everything in between. I know that if I ever call you, Fabrice, you're there, and I really appreciate that. In 10 minutes in a Toyota Scania.

That's right. And I and my Elantra drive up right behind you. And here we find ourselves today and in the future when the earth has frozen over and then burnt to a crisp. And then I hope to hell, I hope that we get to do this podcast again in hell. I will see you in hell, buddy. It's so great to see you here, and I'll see you in hell. Great. Should we do...

Before we go, shall we do one? Should I do one improvised? I would love that. Shall we do one improvised spoken word poem? I would love that. Do you need a subject matter? Sure. Okay, okay. Let me think of a catchphrase. Or not a catchphrase. Whatever you want. Let me think of a suggestion for you. Okay. Purell. Okay. Purell. Purell.

It is pure hell to think about a world without the Comedy Bang Bang podcast. But that is our cast. Did my mic just go off or did you hear that? No, I heard it all. I heard it all from beginning to end, from big to small, from a one-year podcast to a ten-year podcast to a life cast of loss and love and learning and everything.

and casting out the Iron Sheik from this world as he has died. But before he did, he tweeted at all of us, but it was not him. Instead, his nephew, who was his manager. And this might seem like a tangent to you. I was just getting informational about trivia. But to me, it is so much more. Purell, we're going to start it again from the top. Ready? Ooh, Purell.

Oh Purell It is pure hell To think about a world Without the Comedy Bang Bang Podcast To wash my hands Of the bacteria That is my Mysteria of hiding behind

The microphone for these many years and in front of the camera for these many years. My ears have always been to the ground for the next great town hall of this show, which has given so many a voice in this crazy world that is not always noise, but can be here always. Most importantly, in my heart, that is my art. That is this cash.

That is my blast. That is the comedy blast. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. That isn't the end, but just the beginning of a time when we could be together. A decade long, a foot long hot dog that when Shaq eats, it looks like a regular dog.

But when I think about 10 years of this art, I think about my heart and I think about all the great comedy that has come from this and the big bang of the bang bang of Galecki, of Sheldon, of Aukerman, of everybody coming together. The two greatest things in comedy in the last decade coming between

The Big Bang and Comedy Bang Bang, the two most important voices in comedy in the last decade. Comedy Bang Bang, 10 years in but not done. But the Big Bang Theory, done like a motherfucker. And I think we're all happier that we still got this show in our hearts and in our souls. And when I think about Purell, I think about washing my hands, not of these memories, but of those nasty little bacterias that give you colds.

Pure ale. Wow. Amazing. And you can edit that down to the best parts. Amazing. Fabrice, Fabrice, that means so much to me. A lot of the sentiments contained within, not everything, of course, because you did go off on a few tangents, but that means so much to me. I really appreciate it. We appreciate you. Thank you. Thank God.

You believe in God? Oh, hell yeah. Then why are we all going to hell? Because Frankie Muniz said we are. Fabrice, so great to see you. Thank you so much for dropping by. Great to see you, Scott. I'll see you soon, I hope. Well, we'll let the listeners decide. You decide, audience. All right, take care. Bye-bye. All right, we need to go to a break.

Well, we still have plenty of shows still to go. I think we're probably six hours deep at this particular point in time. So we'll see you for another four hours, but we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hi, everyone. Hey, did you know... I bet you didn't know this. I'm not even going to ask because I know you didn't know this. Okay, see you later. No, I'll continue. Did you know that...

Rolling Stones magazine called Raised by TV, one of the best new podcasts. What? See, here's the problem. All these articles, they're all about the best new podcast. What about a podcast that's been around for 10 years? Best podcast that's been around for 10 years and is doing a record-breaking 10-hour episode? Hey, Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger, and the rest. Show a little love this way. You know, just because you talked about me eight years ago, you can keep bringing me up.

Every year. Anyway, congrats to them. It is such a good show. I've been on it. And that is not to say that's why it's a good show. But, you know, hey, the facts don't lie. Facts don't care about your feelings. There are new episodes of Raised by TV available right now on Stitcher Premium. You know, when John Gabrus, friend of this show, and Lauren Lapkus, also friend of this show, were growing up,

They watched a lot of TV, like a lot of TV, a serious amount of TV. Now they're adults. They're all growns up.

They're grown-ass adults with minds that have just been hopelessly warped by television. And they've come together. They want to indulge in their shared obsession of television and share it with you. Because on Raised by TV, John and Lauren revisit the best and a lot of the worst TV of the late 80s and early 90s. Everything from game shows to TGIF to Oprah, serial commercials, all the stuff you remember. You

You can listen to Raised by TV plus ad-free new episodes of Comedy Bang Bang and our entire back catalog only on Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use the promo code CBB. Everyone, I gotta talk. I am not being forced to, except for by my own personality, because I have to talk about a podcast that I want you all to listen to.

And that podcast is called Yo, Is This Racist? Wonderful show. It's a comedic podcast hosted by Andrew T., creator of the popular blog with the same name. That is a web blog, I believe.

And nowadays it's co-hosted by Tawny Newsome, wonderful friend of Comedy Bang Bang. You may remember her from Bajillion Dollar Properties as well. She was a cast member of that. Every single episode, Andrew and Tawny offer their unique takes on the news of the week. And then alongside a special guest, they answer audience burning questions about

about whether or not something is indeed racist. And spoiler alert, a lot is these days. Past guests include Nicole Byer, DeRay McKesson, LeVar Burton, Kulab Vilaysak, hey, I like her, Kirby Hal-Baptiste, oh, I like her too, and more. Be sure to catch Yo! Is This Racist? every Wednesday on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back!

Very special 10th anniversary, 10-hour podcast. The world's longest podcast! Never thought that I would achieve something like this, but I think the world's longest podcast is actually... I'm more proud of that than the 10-year anniversary, I think. Wow, I really did something. This is incredible. And we're hearing from some of our favorite guests, old and new. So many great people have dropped by over the show, and we hope that trend continues because the...

Who's this? My darling, lovely. Oh my goodness, is this Martin Sheffield Lickley? Martin Sheffield Lickley. The 1980s singer? That's it, Scott. How are you? I'm doing wonderful. Thank you. Happy anniversary. Thank you so much. It means the world to me that you remembered. I'm so happy.

So happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Of course. I mean, it's my anniversary. Is it an anniversary of yours at all? Well, you know, every day seems to be some type of anniversary. And is an anniversary always happy?

I guess not. That's why they say happy anniversary instead of just wishing you an anniversary. A lot of my days are devastating anniversaries. Yes. For those of you who don't know, Martin Sheffield Lickley, a lot of people who are in your orbit...

Yes, yes. My wife... From emphysema. No, my son was from emphysema. Yes. Because he saw the little boy smoking ciggies video. On YouTube. And it inspired him. It inspired him to smoke and he passed away from emphysema.

my wife passed away, my postman passed away from tragically mailing himself to the bottom of the ocean. Right. So a lot of people have, have died on days of the year. Is, is today one of them? Yes. It's a sad anniversary. Um,

I actually, today was the day that my hairdresser passed away. I wondered, you have a bit of a bedhead kind of situation. I do, I do. I mean, I always do. Well, I wouldn't say what I sleep in is called a bed. Oh, wait, where do you sleep? I would say it's a old rug in the back of a UPS store head. What?

Well, that's not a good situation for you. I'm currently in between places. Yes, certainly. Where were you coming from and where do you think you're going to? Well, I was coming from an apartment and hopefully I'm going to another apartment, but I do have... Why don't you call them flats? Why don't I?

I should, but I'm trying to be more American. Oh, certainly, certainly. Well, I'm sorry to hear about your hairdresser. That was a year ago? Yes, that was a year ago today, yes. Oh my goodness. How did your hairdresser die? Well, he cut his own neck open. Oh no, with his own tools? Yes. Oh dear. Yeah, it was devastating. Yes. You know, a lot of my life is like those movies...

You know where people fly off of a roller coaster? I don't know that I've seen that movie. Is that like the movie Roller Coaster? Or they crash into the back of a truck. It's tragedy. I don't think people define movies by one scene in them.

No, but remember, they fly off a roller coaster. Or they chop their head off. You're just repeating the same things that you said before. They chop their head off. Oh, wait. Final destination? Final destination. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay. It's stuff like that. But, you know, I mean, if you've been following my career, you know that I recently went. I have not. Oh, you have not. No.

Well, you know, it's tough. I've talked to you a few times. I got off the gram. Oh, you did? Yeah, so people, sometimes they have trouble keeping up with what I'm doing. I just felt like I was always on my phone. Sure, I wasn't following you in the first place, so that has no effect. Well, you know, if you haven't been following me, if you have, you know I recently set out on my own, and I'm a solo artist. Yes, you were a singer, a

You trafficked in the genre New Wave. New Wave, yes. New Wave was my genre. I was in a band called 2 Plus 2 Equals Love. Ah, yes. And so I had some creative differences with my bandmates, so I split with them. But I've been having a lot of recent success in my solo songs of pain and hardship that guess what? Hollywood can't.

What? Yes, yes. Came a-knocking to your UPS door? Well, I had a door at that time. Okay. But yes, Hollywood came a-knocking, and now I am an in-demand film composer. Film composer? My goodness. Yes, yes. I know, I know. For what film do you...

uh, that I'll be performing today. You're performing a song. Oh, yes, I am. Why do you think I'm, you think I'm here? I don't have to wish me a happy anniversary. Yes, of course. But I have to sing. Oh, okay. Sure. Every time I love to hear you say, thank you. Thank you. Uh,

You know, every time I do go to someone else's event that is about them, I make it about me. Of course. But yeah, the first song I'm going to be performing today is from an upcoming Martin Scorsese crime drama. Oh my goodness. That's amazing to land a song in something like that. It's unbelievable. I mean, he is an awesome, awesome director. Sure, you don't have to tell me. I've seen one of his movies. I feel like you're always giving me...

You're digging your heels in on whether you like Martin or not. Okay, well, you know, I was confused for a while. I thought it was Martin Lawrence. No. I was like, he directed Goodfellas? No, no, no, no. Okay. But yeah, this is a scene where an aged crime boss, played by Robert De Niro... Oh, of course. ...is beaten... Good casting. I know. He's really going back to the De Niro well. He's beaten to...

an inch of his life by his own meth addicted son and his son he's begging his son to stop he's begging his son to stop he's pleading he's crying and then imagine this song playing over the top of that scene hit it

I fell in love with love, I proposed to love and then love said yes so I got married to love. We got married on Valentine's Day. The best man was a heart and the priestess scented candle and the venue was a best western in Modesto. A heart.

With legs was the father of the bride When the mama glass of champagne Saw my wife she cried I had sex with love and love did not come I came real hard and I fell asleep Love begged me to get her off I ignored love's pleas and I pretended to sleep Cause the female orgasm baffles me I ruined our wedding night It made my wife weep I have never made a woman come

Thank you. Oh. Thank you. An abrupt ending. That was a real quick ending. I guess it's just a hard cut to the next scene. Yeah, I mean, a lot of times when I say thank you, my band falls off their instruments because it's so abrupt. They fall off their instruments. Are they writing them?

Some sort of contraption, like a Dick Van Dyke and Mary Poppins type thing? Well, you know, occasionally they get carried away. You know how people play the guitar with their teeth. Sure. Oh, of course. Occasionally my bassist will ride his bass around like a broom. Like a tricycle? Oh, like a broom. Yeah. In Quidditch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. But yeah, so that's going to be over the gritty. That's over.

the crime drama over the pleading of Robert De Niro yes well you know when I played that song for Mr. Scorsese did you call him Corsese when you first met him well that was a problem I was I did when I did you think he was Dan Cortese I think I did MTV

Well, I kept being like, at one point I called him Caduce. Oh, no. But yeah, when I played that song for Mr. Scorsese, he screamed something at me about being fired, and then I never saw him again. I don't know that this song is going to wind up in the movie. I don't know, Scott. I mean, I did approach him.

When he was filming his new Hollywood movie. Oh, okay. He has a Hollywood movie. Yeah, you know. I don't. It's coming out with DiCaprio. I don't read the trades, so I ankled the trades. Oh, well, anyway, it's going to be huge. Okay, good. But yeah, I sort of was hovering around the set of that movie. People asking me to leave. We don't want Burger King. Okay.

You brought Burger King for me. Well, yeah. To get onto the set to gain access. You don't show up to a set without a gift.

I've never heard that tradition in Hollywood. Oh, yeah. You never show up to a set without a gift. So you're working on another film? Yes, yes. I'm actually working on a new drama film. A newer than this one. Newer than this one, yeah. That one's in post. Oh. This one is just the idea. In pre. Yeah. Oh, okay. It's free, yeah. The glint in someone's eye. Yeah, and this...

This film is sure to not be ignored this Oscar season. Oh, wow. And it stars... Wait, it hasn't even started filming and yet this Oscar season... It's going to... They're not going to ignore it. It's going to happen quick. It won't be eligible for awards, but they're not going to ignore it. They're going to be devastated because they're like, oh, we just missed this one. Okay. And it stars Michael Shannon as a doctor at an assisted suicide facility...

And he falls in love with one of his patients, played by Amy Adams. Oh, great casting. I know. The duo of those two. The duo. The duo.

My song plays over... From Man of Steel. From Man of Steel? General Zod and Lois Lane themselves. Yeah, they're back together. Yeah, they're back together. Everyone's wanted to see them. People were like, those two. Take those two and make something. And my song plays over the final scene of the movie where he must euthanize the love of his life. Oh, spoiler alert. To help her. I know. Yeah.

And is she playing the love of his life or are they not together? No, she's playing the love of his life. Yeah. And to help her escape her pain of her terminal illness, he's going to kill her. So imagine having to take the life of the most special person as this song plays. I've enlisted in the army of love. My drill sergeant was a lips and my helmet was a hug. Okay.

Our camouflage is a mixture of pink and red Instead of rations we eat romantic bread We are invading a country that doesn't know what love is They've never known what love is, no no We're going to spray their civilians with love bullets They're real bullets We marched on the battlefield

in the shape of a heart. But I tripped and shot a sergeant right in the face. I got a dishonorable discharge from the army of love. And now I also have love PTSD. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. That's playing over. Yes, she's slipping away. Her heart monitor is...

Slow a toot. Yeah, I can imagine how slow it gets. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. To

Yeah, I mean, I submitted that song to the director six months ago and I have not been paid or acknowledged since. You were acknowledged originally, though. I was acknowledged. Well, I brought Burger King. I brought Burger King to the editing bay. Why are they editing? They haven't even started shooting. They're getting it warm.

Okay, turning on. You're going to warm up your computer. Turning everything on. Yeah, okay. Because when they get the footage, it's got to happen fast for the Oscars. Sure, for the Oscars. Sure, of course. Wow. Yeah. Any other films in the pipeline? Well, yes, I actually do. I have a, the next song is from a prestigious HBO miniseries from David Simon. Who brought you The Wire? The Wire, of course. Yes. Homicide. Yes, and Homicide. Homicide.

about the life of one of Jesus' followers. Okay. God, he had 12 as far as I can think of along with Mary Magdalene. Yes, Mary Magdalene. This one's about Mary Magdalene. Yeah, Becker's doesn't. Oh, really? It's about Mary Magdalene herself. Well, anyone can do one about the disciples. Sure. Peter, John. John. Judas. Judas. Those are the top three. The three. I bet there was a- Simon? Cliff. Cliff.

But yeah, this song plays over a scene where Mary watches Jesus, who some would suspect was her lover. Sure. Brutally crucified on the cross. She's watching him being brutally crucified.

Crucified. Not peacefully, not easily crucified, but brutally crucified. This must be a powerful scene. It's powerful. It's devastating. And then this song plays.

Let me tell you about a special place, a place called Love City. Love City is a town where everyone is in love. Instead of roads, we drive on candy hearts. Instead of fire hydrants, we have doves.

The dog catcher is a poim, and the comptroller is lingerie. The police chief is a back massage, and the mayor is me. I've been elected the mayor.

Love City Everyone voted by wiping their hands on his and hers towels My first order as mayor is making everyone fall in love

My second order as mayor is criminalizing the homeless. Thank you. Oh, God. Thank you. That's a twist ending. Wow. It's a metaphor, but... What is that? It's a metaphor, but... Which part? The criminalization? Yeah, but it's a metaphor, but aren't they a little yucky? Okay, come on now.

I mean, you're homeless. I am not.

Homeless person, criminalize thyself. I'm out looking for a job. It's a metaphor, Scott. It's a metaphor. But yes, thank you. Thank you. I did not give you any sort of acknowledgement. But when the Catholic Church watched the miniseries, they called for my execution. Oh, no. Okay. That's the first time they've done that for anybody. Yeah. No, I've heard of a fatwa. No, yeah. They want me dead. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry. I know. I cannot walk by a rector. Well, gosh, they're incredible. I know, I know. But this has been leading to a lot of...

Of new work. Yeah. Do you have something else? I have a final song from a new project. Yes. So many projects that you may not end up in the editing. I've got so many projects from people that I knew for a minute and now they won't talk to me. Right. But this final project, I've been asked to be the composer and narrator. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, and it's a new documentary series about how global warming is devastating our planet. Wow, this is an important issue. It couldn't be more important right now. Incredible. It's a new documentary. Wow. I mean, you've heard of planet Earth. You've heard of...

Earth Time on Netflix. What is the new... I don't know. I guess I haven't heard of that one. But this one is called The Big Blue Marble We Call Home is Earth and Wow, Look at It Spin Go Round. Wow. Okay. That's the title. Incredible title. It's a good one. And this plays over the credits or... No, I'm the narrow rater. You're the narrow rater. Yeah. So imagine...

This scene, you're watching the ice caps melting at alarming rates and endangered species animals are clinging to their life. Our planet is dying. We mistreated it and now our entire species will die with it. Our pursuit of profit above all else has resulted in the decimation of our only home, Earth.

As soon as 2030, the planet will be hit by inconceivable food shortages, mass coral reef destruction, and rising sea levels will destroy entire cities like the one you currently live in. Aboard the plane of love.

We're going full air ahead, swoosh swoosh The overhead compartments are full of broken hearts And the pilot is a kiss Plane of love, full of tender hugs I must pilot it straight to the airport of love There are Hudson News' and Sbarro's there But I'm too heartbroken to buy snacks for

It's the plane. It's the plane. The plane of love. I steer the wheel. The plane's wheel. The plane of love. Look out for birds. They're shaped like birds on the plane of love. I can't. Mama, thank you. Thank you. Bringing it all back to the original song. Thank you.

Oh, my goodness, Martin. Good luck with all of these endeavors. Thank you. It's been such an honor performing here for you, Scott, for your anniversary. It's our honor to have you. It's such a nice change because I usually perform to my own reflection outside of a Rite Aid in a puddle. You didn't bring Burger King as far as I know. Well, I don't know. Did I?

No, I didn't. No, okay. I didn't. Well, Martin, thank you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. Okay, we'll see you next time. Bye. Oh, wow. Martin Sheffield Lickley. One of, I tell you, what a sensation he's been. And he seems to write new songs every single time he comes in here. Incredible.

I am overwhelmed with emotion here. This is what a showing from some of our favorite guests here. Scott!

My heavens, it's Weird Al Yankovic! How are you, man? I'm really, really good. It's so good to see you. I was just strolling by and I felt like there was something happening here, like an actual happening happening here. Your Yankovic sense started tingling? It was tingling. What part of your body tingles when that sense goes off? Fwoosh, fwoosh!

It could not be a comedy bang-bang anniversary without you here. You're such an important part of the family. You were on, I believe—

Yeah. Yeah.

And not only were you on a very early episode and several episodes since, but you were on the Comedy Bang Bang television show as my co-host and band leader for a season. Was I Kid Cudi? Yeah, you were during the Kid Cudi years. Oh, yeah. I remember that now.

You just headlined Coachella, as I believe. Oh, was it fun? It was super fun. Speaking of Coachella, you should be on that at some point. What am I thinking? What are you doing? Why am I not headlining Coachella? It's so crazy. Like, let me manage your career. It's about time, Scott. I know we had to all fire our agents. Do I have to ask formally? Yes.

Well, we need a binding agreement here. Otherwise, I'm afraid that you're going to, you know, cut me out of those profits. We need to do the spit handshake. Yeah, that's what I mean by binding agreement. So we need to spit on each other's faces and then shake hands. So here we go.

Oh, God. That was kind of pointless. I don't know. That was the sound of our up and down shake. A lot of wind moving there. Al, what do you remember about the very first time you ever did the show? As far as I am recalling, I believe it was the first time we ever met.

Was it, in fact? I do believe it was. That was back when, was Joe Escalante engineering back? Yes, Engineer Joe was back then. Engineer Joe? Yeah, that was live on Indy 103. Indy 103, yes, indeed. Back in the days. Back in the day. They don't even have broadcasting back then. We just had to talk really loudly. Right. It seemed like that. Yeah, do you, as I recall, we did a, was it a one-on-one interview? It might have been. It could have been.

Could have been. Those were back in the days when we didn't realize what a podcast was. We didn't even know at the time, even though it was a podcast. And I had several weird how questions at the ready, things that I'd always wanted to ask you. You were prepared, which is something you never do now. Why bother at this point?

And then just amazing how our friendship has blossomed and you and I have grown closer and closer and closer. Then there was a little time where we were like, too close, back up, back up, back up.

And then we were conjoined twins thing was not terrible idea. Bad idea to do plastic surgery to actually attach us. Yes. Usually it's the other way. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that was a tough three years, but we, we got a good two for one deals. We've got the conjoining and the unconjoining. So that's true. We actually made money on the deal. We did. That is the thing that they don't tell you about now is to actually walk out of plastic surgery. You can really scam the plastic surgeon that way. I'm,

50 grand richer from this. This is crazy. I'm going to Vegas. Yeah, and then we lost it all in Vegas. Yeah. And then we were like, oh, no, no, no. Always been in black. Yeah, exactly. As Wesley Snipes once cautioned America. But, and now...

We're the best of friends. Would you say that? I would say that. Even though we are two separate entities now, I feel like in our hearts we are still conjoined. I loved when we shared nutrients between that little— Wasn't that nice? That flesh sack that attached the two of us. That was my favorite flesh sack. Oh, yeah. I mean, look, I'm a little partial to a flesh sack that I don't want to name. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean. My pancreas. I have my pancreas.

Did you know that the skin is the largest organ on the body? I thought the Wurlitzer was. That's right. Of course. Al, do you have... What's going on with you? I mean, you know, I know we're best friends, but I feel like I haven't seen you since the last time you did the show. Oh, I don't want to once again plug my big summer tour, the Strings Attached tour. Okay, that's great. You don't want to do that. All right, so let's move on to...

Other things. Look, I have some ideas for your career. Do you? You know, as your perhaps manager. Perhaps? Well, spit manager. I think that, first of all, this touring stuff.

It's a loser. Is it? You got to stop this. You know what I mean? There's other ways to make money in the record industry. It's a lost leader. I tour just so I can do the podcast to make the big bucks. Exactly. Here's what I think you need to do. You need to come out and you need to say like, ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're all laughing. Ha ha ha. Enough.

This is the real weird Al Yankovic. I'm not saying like change your name to regular Al Yankovic. That's hackneyed. Okay, I'm saying you're still weird Al Yankovic, but what's weird about it is you're not doing the comedy anymore. That's the weirdest thing of all is you're like –

Like, no, I have some serious, serious, beautiful songs. I could like sell condos. I could like make a whole or like a pyramid thing. Yeah, you could. I could sell Tupperware. That would be amazing because there's no money in records anymore. They're already there. It's sort of like, you know, a captive audience. What are they going to leave? Exactly. You know, you gather everyone out on stage, you bring the lights up and you're like, I want to tell you about some of these products. You want to keep your vegetables fresh?

For months at a time. I hate it when vegetables become unfresh. I know. I basically live in my crisper just because I want to make sure. Oh, tell me about it. I live in my crisper. I live in my crisper. Oh, the things, they're so crisp. They are. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Oh, if I'm eating and I'm not saying crunch, crunch, crunch. I'm not saying I'm making the noise crunch, crunch. If I'm not saying crunch, crunch, crunch while I'm eating, whatever.

What are we even doing here? Because the crunchiness is supposed to emulate the crunching of bones, which the lizard part of our brain gets satisfaction out of thinking we're actually, you know, eating somebody's face. Exactly. Oh, my God. Have you ever like, this is a hypothetical question here. And I, you know, I know that, look, you've done thousands, if not millions of interviews over the years. And you've heard all the questions before, right? Every question.

You ever find like a dead bird on the ground and you're like, this looks too delicious. I just, I got to eat this thing. Well, that was a hypothetical question. Let me give you a rhetorical answer. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. The big conundrum for me is whether to eat it there or take it home. And I like to show it to the family, honey, look what I found, and then bite the head off. The hunter and gatherer in you wants to present it to your loved ones. I want to hunt and gather. Look what I hunted. Look what I gathered. And you display it like I am the alpha male. Yes.

Is it important to you to be an alpha male? It is because I've tried being a Zeta. Yeah. You went the total opposite way where like every single person in the world just walked right over you. I was the Omega Man for a while, but there was nobody else in the world. And that was so boring. That was terrible. Yeah. Just a post-apocalyptic wasteland. It was weird. Yeah. The zombies. Exactly. Tell me about the political Al Yankovic. Who have you voted for in every election since you've been 18? Yeah.

Okay, since I've been 18, oh gosh, I think it was 1980 would be the first one. That would be Pat Paulson. Great. And 84, you know, Pat— What about the primaries, my dear fellow? You know, Pat wasn't running in the midterms or the primaries. You know, I kind of—for Pat, you just go beyond the midterms and go right to the four-year elections. Right, so just Pat Paulson across the board the entire time?

Um, pretty much. And, uh, but after he passed away, I felt like this is pointless. Why am I still doing this? Why am I voting? He doesn't even have a chance now. Right. So, so you've just remained a non-voter since then. Well, that's not really true, but you know, I feel like voting for me is sort of a personal experience. It's just me and the four Albanians in the voting booth with me, which are basically my, my voting Sherpas. Right. So you don't, uh, uh,

Look, I personally think voting is a waste of time and I've always said it and I've always – anytime – when do people vote? November? When is it? When are people voting these – I don't know why I'm shaking my head. Is this in stereo? This would be so cool in stereo right now. Oh, it would be amazing.

When people are like, I voted those, I voted stickers. It's like, come on guys. You know, you can just get those stickers and just wear them. That's the thing that people don't tell you that it's like, if you were to go to your sticker guy, you have a sticker guy, right? Of course. If you were to go to your sticker guy and go like, Hey, make me a bunch of, I voted stickers. It's not like duplicating keys. No, they'll do it for you. That could be like a big item on my merch table. This summer is like, you know, you never have to vote again. Yeah. I mean,

I mean, sure, you got to pay him a little extra. Yeah. You know what I mean? You got to slip. You got to grace the wheels a little bit. You know what I mean? You got to maybe slip a five under the table. And then it's like, oh, what? That's not good enough for you? Okay, here's a 10. But once that 10 is across that table, baby, you are good to go. Yeah, and it's sticky on the back, so you can stick it to anything. Pure stickers. Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's the thing. On your merch table, if you don't have I Voted stickers on your merch table, as well as saying what's up, hot dog, when the concert begins, I am really going to be upset at you. Because as we know, if people haven't heard every episode of the show, Al...

I had a catchphrase at the beginning of every single episode, which was what's up, hot dog? Very famous catchphrase. At a certain point, I don't know what happened. I forget exactly. I don't know whether I gave it up or you stole it. The legal rights were transferred to me. No, I would not steal anything. Legally, the rights. I'm offended, sir. Well, you're going to have to sit there and stew in it because I'm not going to take back what I said because I don't remember.

Now, the legal rights were transferred to you and you have taken my catchphrase and you presumably say this at every single show. Every single show, except the ones you're at because I feel, I get nervous when you're around. Well, I would hate to be like, suddenly everyone's looking at me like, that's your catchphrase. It's embarrassing when everybody turns around and looks right at you, right? So, and you and

know the ones I'm at, right? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I've never heard you say it, but you say you say it at every... And by the way, if you let the rights lapse and don't say it at every show, it becomes mine again. So I just want to make sure. I think it would be confusing for you to use it now because it's so associated with me.

Al, I got to ask you, because this was a big news story a couple years back. Iran-Contra? Oh, come on, Scott. That's such old news. I'm thinking of a little more recently than that. Oh, okay. But you don't hear much about it anymore. So here's the news story as I understand it. Okay. Okay. You have Weird Al Yankovic here.

And you have Dr. DeMetto. Dr. DeMetto is your mentor, some would say. He gave you your big break in show business. That's right. And me here or me in the corner. That's me in the corner. That's you in the corner. Now, you have two people with two different careers and two different names, two different surnames, two different first names. And suddenly –

You hear that Weird Al Yankovic, I don't know whether you strong-armed the guy or, you know, I don't know what the process was, but suddenly you decided to be known as Weirdo Al Yankovic. Yes. And you took the O from Dr. Demento and you...

I don't know whether you were saying like, hey, I'm forcing you to do this or whether it was some sort of tacit agreement or something. And this is where I want to get all the details. But you wanted him to be known as Dr. Dement. Yes. I don't remember all the details, but that is in fact canon now. He was officially on his driver's license and somehow on his birth certificate, but

Changed all the way back. It's retroactive. Yeah. And what and what is the I mean, I'm trying to imagine how you broach the subject with him because and was it always your goal to be weirdo Al Yankovic? And he was standing in the way at the time. I know the powers, you know, differentials between, you know, he was your employer. And I don't want to be crass, but I offered him a knuckle sandwich.

Whoa. Yeah, and he's vegetarian, and he doesn't like crunchy stuff. So he just passed on that. Yeah, he said, no, thank you very much. Wow, you truly are an alpha at this point. So next time I come to see your show, and, you know, look, I'm going to let you plug it.

In Los Angeles, the one that you might be at? Next time I see your show, I'm going to secret shopper you. Okay. And I'm going to come to one of these concerts. I'm not going to tell you. I expect you to be on the bill as weirdo Al Yankovic. I expect you to say, what's up, hot dog, at the very beginning. And I expect you to be selling these goddamn underpants.

I voted stickers with your face on them and the American flag. I'm saying you put the American flag on it. Maybe instead of the 50 stars, it's your face. I don't know. Look, I'm just spitballing here. I don't know. The one thing I think you're getting wrong is you assume, and this was never part of the deal, that you assume that I start off the show by saying, what's up, hot dog? Why? When do you say it? It varies. It's whenever the mood strikes. So it could be like in the middle of a song. It could be like when I'm backstage and like there's a film going on and I yell, what's up, hot dog?

But you can hear it in the audience. Okay, okay. But I'm going to secret chopper you and show up, you know, I don't know where you're playing. You're doing major markets. And I'll let you plug this in a second, but...

I want these three things to be happening. Otherwise, I'm going to get litigious on you. Okay. So you want the I've Letted Stickers, you want the Weirdo Al Yankovic on the tickets. On the marquee. On the marquee. On the marquee. And every bit of merch as well. Okay. Including retroactively for if you sell your old records or whatever. I need you to at least – and I'm not saying, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, I bet that you want him to go back and get all those reprinted. No. I'm saying you take a Sharpie and you put the O. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I can do? I'm not saying I will do this, but what I can do is just leave a Sharpie there at the merch table so everybody can customize their own O's on Weirdo Al. You drive a hard bargain with, you know. Okay, I'll accept that. Will that work? You'll leave a Sharpie there. Yep.

You will sell the I voted stickers and you will say what's up hot dog during the show. Yeah. Now the, the, I voted stickers may look like Al TV stickers, but if you rub them really, really hard, you can see, you can kind of see where it says I voted. Okay. I'll tell, I'll accept that as well. But the, the what's up hot dog, non-negotiable. Absolutely. All right. Very good. Go ahead and plug your dates. Oh,

Well, all the dates are at WeirdAl.com, which is where you can find everything good in this life. And we're going to be— Well, okay, what do you got there? You got tour dates? We have tour dates. And what else do you need? That's it? That's it. You got WeirdAl.com. Presumably you paid a lot of money for it because I don't think that you were—I think someone must have been squatting on it. It was a bidding war. It was a bidding war for sure. And all you put up there is tour dates.

And random information. Like what type of information? Like where to go to see you on tour? This is still tour dates. Oh, it's the same thing? Yeah.

I would count those two different things. I would think with WeirdAl.com, I mean, this is a major internet destination. You'd be putting like, hey, this is what I'm up to or pictures of yourself. There are several things. There's tour dates. There's where you can see Mantour. There's the kind of places that I play. Yeah, of course. Well, there's the kind of places that I play. There's also the names of the cities where I'll be this summer and performing. Specific dates of when you'll be playing there as well? Oh, that's another thing. Yes, that as well. These are all tour dates, Al. Well, I don't know.

What about, here's what you should do with your site. And I'm just throwing out ideas as your spit manager here. Yes, yes. Make it a site where, like, you put up photos of yourself, like, you know, like around the world and you, like, people can comment on them and you can, like, if anyone else that you know is in the photos, you can, like, tag them and people can click on those tags and be taken to their own part of the site. Isn't that like social media? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it sounds social and it's kind of media, but you might have something there. This is my thing. Like you're putting all this stuff out there on other sites. Put it all up on weird. Yeah. Well,

You know what I mean? Like, why are you even like, like people are on this Twitter thing these days, by the way, 10 years ago, Twitter was a new thing when I first started the show. And we would have to say this Twitter thing when we talked about it. You were like the first person on Twitter, I think. I really, I was the first. Yes. I remember your first tweet, you up. That was, it was just merely trying to get women. No response. None because no one was on Twitter. Nope.

But why are you putting things on Twitter when it should just be on WeirdAl.com? I need those clicks, baby. You need the clicks. I need the clicks. Do you have ads on WeirdAl.com? And I don't mean ads of like the dates that you're going to be performing. No. Let's see. I have ad hoc arguments. Okay. That counts. That definitely counts. Yeah. Do you have pop-up ad hoc arguments? No.

No, they just stay right where they are. Oh, okay, great. So go ahead and plug these dates. You have a big tour coming up. Yes, I have 67 dates. I'm going to name them all right now. Starting off on June 5th at the fabulous Ruth...

Ruth's Chris? Bader Ginsburg. No, we start in Florida. We wind up where the alley dates, which you may or may not show up at. Florida, America's droopy penis. That's correct. Are you going up to Maine, America's erect penis? We're slowly getting less flaccid as the tour goes on. And then eventually ending up in Los Angeles, the butthole of the country. Is that the official name? Well, no, if you look at it, if you look at it like it's a side, like it's someone it's a silhouette of someone standing bending over.

Florida is like with the penis like going down. Maine is up here. Los Angeles would be like right where the farts come out. I never really thought of it that way. That's how you have to think. And then Canada is like, you know, like the arms and the head and all that kind of stuff. And then Mexico is like the little legs. And then what is Guam? Guam, we don't even know what it is. It's like what you're standing on, I guess. The Panama Canal is the feet. I see. It all makes sense now. It does. It does.

All right, where are you playing? You start off in Florida, you end up somewhere else. It's a world tour. We're playing the U.S. and Canada. So I'm very excited about it. Amazing. And the L.A. and L.A. adjacent dates are, we're doing the Greek Theater on August 10th. We're doing the Pacific Amphitheater in Orange County somewhere around the same time. Where I've seen, what a great time.

Seeing you at the Pacific Amphitheater about 10 years ago is when Al's Brain came out, I believe. Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. I went down to see you there. What a great time at the theater. Thank you for showing up. Sure. And how long does this go until? Until the end of summer. Wow. So all summer. All summer long. Amazing. Are you going to be hot? Oh, I always am. Baby. Are you going to wear like a tank top during this summer tour? Should I? I don't know.

I do costume changes on this tour, so I'll just change it to different tank tops. You're going to be doing the costume. Oh, we're back. Because the last tour was like the vanity tour where it's just us out on stage playing with no props or costumes or anything. I think you're going the wrong way. You go the other way. Now you're naked. Now I'm naked, but it's with a full orchestra. Naked with an orchestra. Naked with an orchestra. That's a show, Al, that I would see. Well, you're seeing this anyway. Oh, that's right. I am seeing your show. You made the commitment.

Well, look, Al, it means the world to me that you dropped by. I mean, honestly, we couldn't do this without you. We've been doing it for 10 years with you. So why should it change for the 10th anniversary? Why should it indeed? Well, I'll see it another 10 years then. No.

no, you've been seeing me several times in these 10 years. Oh, so how does this work now? So you're going to have to see me several times in the next 10 years. Oh. Did you think that you were ending your commitment to the show with appearing on this show? I didn't know how, I didn't know the legalities of it. No, no, no. You're locked in at this point. I'm free to live my own life? No, you have to live the comedy bang bang life. Oh, I see. Okay. You're a friend of the show. You're an important part of the show. Legally mandated friend of the show. Al, do you have anything to say to me

Scott, are you my best friend? But things I don't know. I mean, that's very nice to hear, but I already know that. And I'm like nice things about it's the 10-year anniversary. Oh, yeah, that. Congratulations on 10 years of sobriety with your – I don't think it's been 10 minutes of sobriety. No.

I am currently fucked up, but Al, I need you for a little more feeling. Okay, okay. Thank you. Thank you, Scott Aukerman, for your 10 years of comedy bang bang service, and I will make sure that you get your 10-year comedy bang bang chip in the mail sometime soon. Al, I gotta say... Not believable? I can... I've seen your acting, and I think you can do better. Okay. Scott, I am so happy to be here at your 10-year anniversary show, and

Thank you for everything you've done for me. You mean the world to me. I wish I'm so happy for you.

Very believable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. That touched me. Good. In the eardrums, I think. Yeah. A little shrill. I got a little tinnitus myself now. Yeah. Yeah. Al, thank you so much for being here. Well, thank you for being here because otherwise I would have been showing up and you wouldn't have been here and I'd have been like, you told me to be here at five o'clock and I don't know what the deal is. That's a good point. Yeah. You should really be thanking me more than I'm thanking you. Thank you, Scott. Thanks, Al. Oh, see you later, buddy.

We'll see. Al Yankovic. Wow. I tell you, it was such a thrill when he agreed to do the show for the first time. I'm not going to say this in front of him, but now that he's gone, I remember I got his email through a mutual friend and wrote to him to ask if he would be interviewed on this new comedy program I was doing. And he replied within, I think within 12.

12 or 11 seconds he's that thirsty for attention and I'm so glad he is and so good to see him and wow we are doing it so many guests over this 10 hour episode and oh someone else coming in and two door slams who's this

It's Paul Rust. I came in one foot, closed the door, then brought in the second foot and closed the door again. Does your first foot hurt? Oh, my goodness. Oh, ouch. It really hurts. Hi, Paul. Our good friend Paul Rust from Netflix's Love. Oh, it's good to be here, Scott. Thanks for having me. From Showtime's Black Monday, one episode. Yes.

So good to see you. Oh, it's good to see you, too. You've been on the show, I mean... I think triple digits now, right? I don't know what that means. I think I'm up in the... I've been here 126 times. I guess I mean in years. How many years have you been doing it? All 10? Or did you come in somewhere in the first year or the second year? Oh, Scott, I was there in the KCRW, K-R-U-I? You were there at Indy 101?

No, Indy 1031. You were there? Yes. Okay, the first year. Great. So you've been here the entire 10 years. I think I was here episode three, maybe, with a couple of the Sklars. My goodness! Oh, my gosh. Well, it's so good to see you again. We're like, we've transported to different places, but the friendship has always stayed the same. Exactly the same. The trappings might change. It's never gotten better. It is. I expected it to sort of progress, and...

enrich our lives in different ways and instead just flatline. And we're still talking about how we're going to vote for Obama. Yeah, of course. We have a groan past 2009. Paul, it's so good to see you. Yes, thank you. You've been on the show so many times in various guises as actor, as musician, with your band Don't Stop or We'll Die. Yeah.

Mathematician. Mathematician, of course. I came in and remembered that one time. Yeah, we had a lot of numbers that we needed crunched, and you were there for us. They were all over the floor, and I had to gather them up and crunch them together. Just crunch them together. It was a big disaster. I don't know. That was somewhere around episode 206 or something. But a fan favorite episode. Oh, people love it. I walk down the street, and they always come up to me and go, Mathie, Mathie. My catchphrase. Of course they do. Yes.

Which they used to do to Walter Matthau as well. So you're in great company. Yeah. But I will say that a lot of times when you're on the show, you don't come in in the best of moods. So it's great to see you in a happy mood today. Yeah. Although I got to say, when I came in here and I crunched that door on my foot, it did start to push me a little bit into...

The country of the United States of Tara, I'm peeved. Oh, no.

So you started to get a little irritated, a little irked? Yeah, I was going to say I was just in the United States of peeved, but then I decided to add Tara in there. Yeah, it was a great addition. But yes, oh no, I'm now, yeah, I feel my blood boiling. Well, please calm down. I find myself getting angrier, more irate, more... We don't like that. ...che-che-cheased.

Please don't get cheesed. I know what happens when you do. You mean I have a request about a certain piece of time and how I want it to begin? That's what usually happens, and I'm not asking for that to happen now. Oh, no!

I just want to take this moment to thank Bill Maher, who's given me permission to do this from the very beginning. I love you, Billy. Thank you for letting me use this music. And what is this that you're doing? For those of you who have never heard you before? It's called No, No, No.

And these are things that bother you. They bother me so much and then I say, no, no, no. You know what I say? I say, what I'm essentially saying is, these are some new rules. Yes. Yes.

But my specific way of saying the rules are no, no. Right. That's how it differentiates itself. That is one of the new rules is you need to change it to no, no's. Yes, that was the first one. The first rule of no, no's is change it from new rules and never talk about it. The second rule is change it from new rules to no, no's and don't talk about it. Yeah, don't talk about it. All right, so you have some new no, no's here. Some 10th anniversary new no, no's? Yeah, the stuff that bothers us.

and I have rules about how to change it. And they are specifically for 10 years, Scott, all of them. Each one you'll find out is about that. - Okay, let's hear 'em. - No, no, no. You ever notice, Scott, how people always refer to 10 years?

As a decade? I have noticed that. That is another way to phrase it. Oh, this decade was 10 years long. Oh, that decade was 10 years long. Why is it they never refer to 11 years as a decade? Why did they ever refer to a decade as 12 years or even three years? Oh, I know why. Hypocrisy. Hypocrisy.

From now on, a decade is any span of time. No, no, no. A decade is any year you love. You suddenly remembered the format right at the end there. You say no, no, no. I appreciate that. No, no, no. I'm remembering the format now. No, no, no. Need a band-aid for my boo-boo. You ever hear people say that you go into a pharmacy?

You got eight or nine people walking around screaming. How tall are these people? Are they about three apples high? I need a band-aid for my poo-poo. How about I give you a band-aid for your poo-poo? No, no, no. Instead of blood, I'm concerned about your shit. This is okay. All right, yeah.

No, no, no. You ever get on the phone line with people and it's like, if you would like to join our club, please press one. If you would like to change of address, please press two. These are the choices? Always. Anytime you call.

You're calling them? Yeah. All right. Very confused of the premise, but continue. Well, when they're listing these off to me, please press one, please press two. I want to say, if you are slowly losing your goddamn mind, please press nine. No, no, no. I make the numbers now. I'm the captain now, Tom Hanks. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Did you see that movie? No! No, no, no. I've never seen Captain Rillips. That's how dumb I am. You think Phillips is Willips? Yeah. Oh, I think the theme song ended, so we gotta restart the clock! Yeah! These get better the more they go. No, no, no.

B-O. You ever hear people say, oh, this room smells like B-O, B-O. Body odor. That's what I heard. They said it stands for body odor. I think it should stand for only one thing. One of the kings of alt comedy, Bob Odenkirk. Yeah. I love Mr. Show. No, no, no. Mr. Show Show. Bob O. B-O. Bob Odenkirk. Okay. Okay.

Two more. Two more. It's not a two more. No, no, no. You ever go online and you get a pop-up ad? Oh, this steams me. Now you're talking my language. I'm trying to read some text and instead I got to look at a pop-up ad for a new pill. No, no, no. If I get a pop-up ad, then I'm going to call your parents and tell them I got it.

No, no, no. Pop down. Pop down. Pop down. Man, I steam up.

You just seem sad. Is everything okay? I'm just sad because it's wrapping up and I know all your viewers are sad. This is wrapping up. This is the last one. I wish you hadn't said two more because now everyone knows this is the last one and we're sad now. Set their clock. I say start the clock, but I'm also saying set your clock. Their internal body rhythms of like how many new no-nos am I going to listen to?

How long do I have for my refractory period to build up again to this final new no-no? Well, here it is, your final new no-no of ten years. Yes! And I was right. They've all been about a ten-year anniversary. And this is your best one of all the ten years? Oh, yes. I always end with the best one. New no-no.

You ever go, you ever been watching a TV and a commercial comes on? Have you seen these commercials? Very similar to your pop-up ads. But okay. Yeah, I have seen commercials. But the thing is about a pop-up ad, it pops up, you can just knock it down and it's done. In a commercial, you can fast forward it. You gotta sit there for one commercial for what? Two, three, four, five minutes, one commercial? During the Super Bowl, maybe. Hey, no, no, no.

I want a dial that's underneath my tongue that I can twist it and fast forward through the commercial. No, no, no. My great tongue speeds time. That was the best one. Thank you. Stop the clock. Thanks, Billy Marr.

Oh, new no-no's. Paul Rust, amazing. Thank you so much for those. Well, thank you for having me, and thank you for letting me walk through the door twice. It's my pleasure. It's great to see you. It's a relief to know that the door won't ever open again. Wait a minute, the door just... I was talking, and I was saying that. Someone just... Yeah, that's embarrassing for you. For me, it's mortifying. Who's this? This must be another one of our old favorite guests here. Does a duck clack?

I sort of remember someone saying that once. It's me, Ernie Bread. Ernie Bread. One of the most beloved guests in the 10 years of this show. I kind of remember you came on once and acted like everyone knew you in... Yeah, in late 2017. Yeah.

And yet we didn't, and it turned out you were just... A guy who hangs out at the pond across the street. The big L.A. pond. Where there are ducks which led you to your catchphrase... Does a duck clack? And does it? We never found out. Yes, it does. It does, okay. And I didn't know either. I understand... You were just asking the questions. That's why I started going to the pond every day. Right. And when did you get your answer? Oh, uh...

Day two. Day two. Okay. They were shot. Day one they were shot. They had laryngitis day one? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was winter, late 2017. Yeah. Ernie, so good to see you. We're doing kind of a special show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm obviously an obvious choice for it. Yeah. This is Paul Rust. Oh, yeah. Big fan. Oh, yeah. I'm a big fan of the Ernie Brett character as well.

Well, I'm a human man. With genitals and blood and piss and shit. I mean, I did do my character, Major Thackeray. Oh, we did enjoy that. That's who I actually know you as. What was Major Thackeray's backstory? Well, I basically said my name in a British accent and then I was shouted down. That sounds like the show. Yeah.

Is bread your Christian given name? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it's just a coincidence that the ducks love probably little chunks of your last name. That's true. The B, the R, the E.

Not those ads. We don't want to talk about those. No, no, no. Don't get me riled up about those ads, both in pop-up and commercial form. But I thought maybe I should let you know some more solemn news. Oh, is everything okay, Ernie? I don't know what your baseline is, so I'm not sure what would be more solemn than your scheme. Well, it's been obviously a great run. Sure. Of one episode. This is going to be my final appearance. No! No!

Ernie Bread. We were supposed to do this in unison. Remember how we rehearsed it? Oh, no. Ernie Bread's not returning anymore. This is terrible news. Thank you.

Yeah, it's been 10 wonderful years, but I think it's kind of time to move on and do some new stuff. So even though you first appeared in 2017, you were a part of the show over these last 10 years? Oh, I always considered myself sort of a, yeah, a beloved part of the show. Yeah, yeah, I can see that. One appearance. And a great appearance. Yeah, but even I would see the building from across the street. Sure. You across the street every single day at that pond? Well, yeah, I don't want the ducks to starve.

That's true. Yeah, right. Ernie, babe, what can we do to get you to change your mind? No, no, no. Don't go. Don't leave. Don't go, Ernie. People love you.

love you. No, no. I understand they love me, but it's been a good run, and I think it's time for me to move on. Time for you to recede from the spotlight? Yeah. You know, it's like when you're reading a book. You might love a chapter of it, but you don't keep rereading that chapter. You move on to the next chapter. Yeah, that's right. So what is the next chapter? I mean, I can't even imagine...

Let alone Comedy Bang Bang without Ernie Bread or Ernie Bread without Comedy Bang Bang. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I know. Well, I've been thinking I'm going to go to the pond every day and feed the ducks. You've been doing that. Yeah, but it's been punctuated by visits here, and I'm not going to do that anymore. You're not going to sell out anymore? I'm more of a listener than a producer. Have you ever listened to the show? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You have. Okay, that's good to know. Okay, good. I can't remember if we talked about that canonically. I think I'm committed to saying I have because I, yes. Okay, great. Well, I'm going to miss you as a participant, but I'll... Scott, how can you just accept this? I guess I'm in...

I'm in the of, dabbed a at this point. You're still in the duh. This is like Lauren saying, goodbye, Hans. So long, Franz. He would never say that. I thought you said hands. I was wondering why he was chopping off his own hands. That's like George Lucas saying, goodbye, Hans.

Goodbye, Fran Solo. He should have gotten married to Fran Solo. Yeah. Why didn't Han Solo marry Fran Solo? I don't understand that.

Well, look, I just have to accept it. The winds of change are upon us, and that's what this show is all about. I mean, people come in, they do a lot of episodes the first year or so, then they get work and they get too busy and they all leave. Yeah. And then I have to beg them to return. And we could play a little montage of some of the highlights of my visits from over the years. Oh, God, if you want the microphone to short out from my tears...

I do want that. So, yeah, let's play this montage. Okay, let's go. Hello, it's me, Major Thackeray. That's the end? Does a duck quack? Oh, okay, there's a little more. No, no, that was me saying yes. Oh, is that the end? Does a duck quack? Yes, it is the end. It's the transition. Can we later add that part to the... To the actual montage? Yeah. Would that be okay?

I mean, you'll have to talk to the editors, but yeah. Okay. I don't know if I want to talk to the editors, Paul. Yeah, I... Those nerds. The last... Don't even get me started on Harvey Scissorhands. Oh. Chop, chop. Of course, the most famous... We were supposed to do this together. Of course, the most famous editor of them all. Of course.

And the thing people most hate him for. The most notorious thing about Harvey Weinstein is how he'll come into the edit room and change your vision.

He's canceled. You have to admit that. Oh, yeah. Good. Yeah. Good. Good. Well, Ernie, we're going to miss you. But, you know, if you're ever across the street feeding those ducks your namesake, you know, and you just get a wild hair up your butt and you want to come by, we're not going to hold you to this, you know? Well, I... Paul might, but I won't. That's very nice of you to say. I appreciate it, but... Yeah, I don't think I will. But...

Yeah, thanks so much. I don't believe it, Ernie. I think you're going to go home. You're going to change your mind. You're going to regret this. Well, also, Paul Kine, this isn't how you end a bit and just go, oh, yeah, that's it, and then back slowly out of the room. He's got something up his sleeve. No, I swear I don't. Look, I'm opening the door to leave. He's going to punctuate this. I know comedy structure. He's got a big finish. I don't. I just – just please –

Come to my funeral because I'm going to kill myself. What? He's gone. I mean, I guess that's... Oh, my gosh. Should we run after him and stop him? Hey, I'm back. I'm back. Oh, Ernie's back. Hey, man. I misled you there at the end. I wasn't able to get a time slot at the funeral home, so there will not be a funeral. But you're still... Oh, my God. He's leaving again. Okay, bye. Bye.

They have time slots? I guess. You have to work for them. You can plan them out. Reserve them in advance. I don't know. I think Ernie is the victim of a cruel hoax. If you ask me. I hope we're not the, I mean, I hope we are the victims of hoaxes. I hope he doesn't actually do it. Yeah. Oh, yes. I hope we're the victims of this cruel hoax. Yeah, exactly. Should we run after him, though? Because I feel like that's... Excuse me.

Oh, who is this? His voice is gruff. It's a gruff voice, man. As gruff as an old man. Were you friends with my son, Ernie? Yes. Could it be Mr. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-

You're an old man. I can tell by your voice. My son just killed himself. Oh, no. Mr. Brett. Mr. Brett. We're so sorry to hear that. Yes, he just walked out to your lobby and swallowed a cyanide capsule. Oh, of his own? I know we kept those in a jar, but I thought it was locked up. It was one that had been passed down.

From the time of Christ. Christ? Our name is... Christ, it is true. If you check the Bible... He had a cyanide capsule in his teeth that he was just going to bite down on. When he was on the cross, if he ever felt like he wasn't making good... Like it was too much to handle? He's like, I am out of here.

Dennis Miller style. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Brad. This is terrible news. Did you have the cyanide capsule and you passed it down to him? Yes, I have too much to live for. What? You don't have a son anymore? Do you have your own lake? Your own ducks? I don't need a lake. What are these? Ducks? Huh. Okay, so you... All right, Mr. Brad. I know you're grieving, but...

Mr. Bread. Yes. Is there a Mrs. Bread? All right, all right, Paul. I know I wanted to ask it too, but his son just passed away. There is a Mrs. Bread, yes. Yes.

Not a day goes by that she doesn't have a big old smile on her face. I treat her like a queen. Did she listen to this? Today, I mean, her son just passed away, so I don't know whether she'll have that smile. But a frown is just an upside down smile. I've always said it. Oh, yes. And sometimes when we're 69ing, it's hard to tell. Okay, Mr. Brett. Not that kind of show. Oh. Mr. Brett, how can we help you? We didn't know your son all that well.

He told me you were his best friends. That is incorrect. He said that? Yes, before he took his cyanide suppository, he told me... Suppository?

I knew it was a pill, but... Oh, for him to do that damage on that sweet little ass breaks my heart. You noticed it, too, as he was walking away. He left several times, and I was so happy he came back in and left. I was like, ooh, ooh, keep coming back and out. But to know that that cyanide capsule fizzed up that ass. Yes, well, imagine having to wipe it like I did when he was a baby.

Oh, you didn't just wipe it right now. No, but I never got over that. I always hated him. You hated him? You hated yourself. The ass thing. Yeah, well, we didn't like him all that much either. Yeah, for him to say that we're his best friends is actually probably more of a... That makes me like him less, knowing that he said that, which is not the intended effect. Mm-hmm.

Well, Mr. Bread, I like you, though. You're pretty cool. You're old, but you're pretty cool. Yeah, you came in wearing that on that surfboard. Yeah, I get up, I surf every morning. I don't see any of these.

Ducks. Ducks, yes, exactly. But do you say goodbye to your wife? You treat her like a queen on your way out? Oh, yes. I kiss every inch of her body and I head out to the beach. Wow. You know, the skin is the world's largest organ. Or the bodies.

I believe it. Well, you're kissing every inch of it every day, so you must know it. Yes, yes. Are y'all talking about me? Wait a minute. It's me, Mama Bread. Mama Bread. My luscious wife. Mama Bread, this is Paul Rust. Hello. And I'm Scott Aukerman. Beautiful woman.

And it's great to see you. I'm enchanted to meet you, Mama Bray. All right, keep it in your pants, Paul. I heard there was a Mrs. Bray. She is beautiful and has a lot of skin. The world's largest organ. Skin of anyone. Yeah, you have a lot of skin. It's all loose. It's all hanging off of your... It's gray! It's gray, yeah. I hadn't gotten to the color yet. I love that color.

Come home. Keep kissing my skin. Of course, my angel. I got a rolling pin and it's getting bigger.

I don't know what she's talking about. I'm going to beat you in my ever-growing rolling pin. Does it have an extension on it? Is it getting larger or are you just walking closer to it? I'm walking closer to it. It's an optical illusion. Yes, that's an illusion, dear. Oops. Well, you do treat her like a queen, I have to say. She's my angel.

Well, look, we don't have time for you to make out. I miss my son. I thought we would get to this. I'm going to hear about this one. He didn't like it. Yeah, you had to change him. You never changed your son? The whole butt thing? No, that was daddy's work. Well, look, guys, we don't have time to talk to you anymore. I ate.

I hate the diapers. I'm gross. Mama Bread. Look, I just want to say that Mr. Bread and Mama Bread are looking forward to many more visits over the next ten years. I don't know. He retired, but it makes it new that I'm here with him now. I don't know if the second decade of this show is going to be the Bread family decade. There's lots of them. Scott, will you promise that you'll bring Mama Bread back?

Mr. Brad and me together in the trio. All three of you? All right, we'll do one episode with the three of you, if that's okay. We've been working on sort of a trio. Good night, sweetheart. Well, I mean, there's three of you, so I'd love to hear you sing it together. Sure. In three-part harmony. We're going to do it individually and track it later. Okay.

Yes, we'll use digital tracking. Yeah, digital tracking. All right. You guys are fans of digital tracking. Yeah, we love digital tracking. All right. All right. Gosh, never heard two guests more into digital tracking. Go ahead and sing. Good night, sweetheart. Well, it's time to go. And that's it? Oh, does a duck quack? Quack, quack. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, there's a duck in here. All the ducks have gathered up my son's body like the penguins at the end of Batman Returns. Oh, my goodness. All right, guys. Well... It was really great being here. It really was great to be... I mean...

Thank you so much for dropping by, Mr. Bread, Mama Bread, and Paul, of course. We'll be back soon. I don't know about that. We'll see you. We'll be back at the end of the show. Oh, I don't think so. All right. Thank you so much for coming, guys. Thank you, Ed Scott. Truly, thank you for these 10 years of laughs and mirth and giggles. You brought joy and entertainment to people across the globe. Oh, and now I'm bringing you a kiss.

Oh, no, Mr. Bread, you're not part of this. Oh, I thought I was an important part of the first 10 years. I couldn't remember. No, just not the kissing part of it. All right, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

So great to see those two. I mean, great to see Paul, definitely. I don't know what to think about Ernie Bread. But guys, we need to take a break. We're at that point where we need to go to another break. When we return, we have so much more show still. Still so much more show. Can you believe it? We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hi, everyone. I want to tell you about a different podcast called

And that is a podcast by the name of, drumroll please, Throwing Shade. Throwing Shade. Been such a great podcast for so long. If you were at the PCAST Blast this last December, you saw them do their, I'm just going to say, thang. And Brian do a big choreographed dance. That was a lot of fun. Throwing Shade, what it is, is a comedic political podcast hosted by Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi.

Aaron and Brian deliver fresh takes on all the shoes from pop culture to women's issues to LGBTQ issues. Entertainment Weekly, who used to talk about my show again, I don't know. It's been very fallow for quite a few years since they've talked about this show, but they recently called Throwing Shade, and I quote,

And that is how you end a quote with a period. Join Aaron and Brian every Thursday as they dig into all the shoes that you may have missed or want to hear more about. Don't miss Throwing Shade every Thursday on Stitcher, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back. We are...

I believe three quarters of the way through our world's longest podcast, very special episode, 10 hour episode for the 10 years of comedy bang bang. And I got to tell you, it has been so pleasant seeing all of these wonderful faces, both from the past and the present, such, such warm sentiments being expressed by them. And, uh,

You know, I got to tell you, none of the, you know, not yet, at least none of the real weirdos who have come by, especially the ones who are sort of not my favorite people, if I may be so bold. So it's been great. It's been a wonderful time here. And oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not happening. Not today. Not today of all days.

No, no, no, no, it can't be. Hello. No. It's me, Forval. Oh, no. Hello. Oh, my God. Forval, how are you? I'm good. Good to see you. Very good. How are you feeling right now? Are you not feeling on edge? You're not feeling... I feel great. It's just me, little Orbit.

Forval Boy! For lack of a better term, you're not feeling postal at all? Postal? Like, I don't work for the postal service. Oh, good. I mean, we are a stamps.com office around here. Oh, yeah, correct. Yeah, it's so easy to do it from home. Sure. Forval, the little tiny orphan boy who has come by the studio several times. That's me, Forval, little orphan boy. Aw.

Aw, you are so cute. Every time I see you, I forget how murderous you are. I know. It's hard because I love to stay, but I can't help it. It's just inside. But I'm really just happy to see you. It's good to be back. Oh, Forval, you're approximately knee high. I'm three apples high. Three apples high. Like a smurf. Is that how high they are?

I think cannon Smurfs are three apples high. Aw. Do you ever hope to be four apples? Someday. Aw. Someday. Someday. But you've been a little orphan boy for so many years. So many years. We're celebrating the 10th anniversary of this show. I don't know if you knew that. Congratulations. That's why I brought you this hay.

Oh, this is... This is... It's a ham gift. This is not in the shape of a ham. This is in the shape of... It looks to be like an actor's penis. Do it...

It happens to be Jay Davidson's penis. You brought me Jay Davidson's penis? I brought you a scrap. I brought you a little penis scrap. Well, I don't think that I want to eat this. Congratulations on 10 years of speaking into a microphone. Yep. Can you believe it? Can you believe you did it?

I remember the first day I ever saw a microphone when I was a little boy. Little did I know I would speak into one for 10 years. For 10 years sitting down. Probably done damage to yourself. Probably, yeah. Maybe I need a standing desk while I do this show. I think it's time to start standing. Maybe a Veridesk. For 10 more years of standing and talking. And then what? And then stabbing everybody around you. Okay, I don't think that I'm going to do that. And taking all their stuff and becoming rich.

I worry that you feel like that's a pathway to success, Forval. That's not what a grown adult would do. A grown adult works hard every day and then hopefully has some sort of degree of success in their life and then dies happy. That's a grown adult, though. I'm Forval. I'm a little orphan boy from the streets. I learned the hard way. I got to take it when I can get it, you know?

When you say you learn the hard way and you learn from the streets, what exactly do you mean? You've never gone into what happened out there on the streets. I'm a little orphan boy, and I've grown up. I've had a hard time. You killed your parents, did you not? I've killed so many, Scott, and I've killed my parents. I believe I've killed, let's see, Leonard Nimoy, Weird Al Yankovic, Prince. Right.

I killed a lot of people. Yeah, yeah. But not me, thank goodness. Actually, Batman may have killed Prince. I can't recall. But don't say Batman, by the way. I'm worried that he's going to drop by. Oh, the Batman? Yeah. Oh, I hope he doesn't come by. I hope he doesn't come by. Yeah, that would be so scary. But I mean, in it... Wait a minute. Oh, no. Do you hear that? Oh, no. What a coincidence. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think he hears his name and he appears. Oh, no.

Where-

Where is she? Why aren't you answering me? Is my music too loud? Where is she? Yeah, if you could turn your music down a little bit. Who, me? Yes, you, Batman. Where is she? Who are you talking about, Batman? I'm the Batman. Where is she? I don't know who you're talking about, but what about him? Where is he? This is a murderous little orphan boy. Hello, it's me. Little orphan boy. Batman, thank God you've come in time. I'm here to stop Nancy O'Dell from the RICO Act. Ha!

I believe. Batman. Yes. Have you been looking for a suspect in any stabbing murders lately? There's been some crime happening lately. Some small crime. When you say small crime, do you mean knee-high? Knee-high crime happening in the streets. What's been going on, Batman? What's been happening? Thank you for asking. You're welcome. I need some water.

Yeah, go ahead. Drink some water, Batman. It doesn't get portrayed in the movies all that much, but you're constantly drinking water because of your gravelly voice. That's correct. Whoa. Thank you for stopping your music, by the way. Cut out quick. So speaking of cut out quick, what sort of knee-high crime has been happening? We've had some knee-high crime. A lot of cats and dogs being stabbed. Oh, no. Cats and dogs? Small or people.

Smaller people? Yes. Why the long pause? Speaking of cats. Touché. I don't think it's a touché when you haven't offered anything to touché. Touché.

But so little tiny cats and dogs. Cats and dogs. I pray. Danny DeVito was stabbed. Danny DeVito. The penguin himself? The penguin himself. Oh, no. I pray that Andrew Lloyd Webber, he was on the show earlier. He's been-

He's been transformed into something about two feet high as well with the technology from the Cats movie that they're doing with all the actors. Correct. So I hope he's safe out there. Me too.

But hashtag me too. Hashtag. That's what that was about. I think so. Forval, you haven't seen Andrew Lloyd Webber, have you? Remember him? This is my only time without him. I've never been on the show without him. Really? I hope nothing happened. Oh, no. Hope he wasn't snippity-stepped at all. That would be horrible. Andrew Lloyd Webber, he's one of our oldest friends. I would be so angry.

What would you do? Would you use your vigilante justice to arrest Forval or something? Who, me? Yes, you! I don't know. What do you do all day, Batman? Why? Why? No. No, it's who, me. I said hi. I was going to say the word hi. Instead, you said hi. Oh, okay, sorry. It came out as why to me. I'm rich, so I put hi. You're rich. I'm rich. I'm rich. Your secret identity is rich?

Yeah. Rich who? No, no, no, no. Not like my name. Like I'm rich. Oh, meaning you're... Oh, I see. I'm not Richard Batman. So meaning... I wish I was. That's a dope name. In your secret identity, you're very wealthy? I'm...

maybe let's just say i'm wealthy where wherever i'm at i'm good money wise okay yeah you're very well i mean there's only two or three people in the city then you could be there's probably there's uh tim cook maybe i don't live in the okay no i'm not tim you're not tim cook i swear to god i swear to god okay what about uh uh who's the amazon guy uh jeff something jeff uh probst who is it probst the

Are you Jeff Probst? Who, me? Yes. Are you Mark Burnett? Well, in my heart, I am. We all are. Yeah, of course. Are we? Getting that sweet Roma Downey Jr. runoff. Roma Downey. Wait, Roma Downey Jr. What's her name? Roma. Roma.

Look, Batman, we're getting wildly off track here. Yes, you! Why do you... Are you constantly wondering if I'm talking to you when I say Batman? Do you have another name that you go by? That's a possibility. Okay. I'm going to suss this out at some point.

Surely you couldn't be billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. He's a layabout and constantly drunk. That's not very nice. He's a pretty good guy. He's a good guy? He's a great guy. You come into contact with him? Bruce fucking Wayne? I mean, he's dope. I know that you have... He's like the best guy. He's so cool. He's nice. What's cool about him? I don't know. He's got so much stuff.

Oh, he's got so much stuff. He's got a giant penny. I heard he's got the best giant in Gotham City. Is that why he's a billionaire? Because he has giant pennies? Probably, because all his money's huge. I think he's great.

I don't know. I don't know about it. You couldn't possibly be him, though, because he's so just irresponsible. No, he's not that. He's hardworking. He's not irresponsible. He's busy. He's busy. He inherited everything from his parents. But he also worked hard. Then he watched them die in front of him. Well, sure. To live with it. I mean, so did Forval, though. And Forval... But that, yeah, but that was fun. Yeah.

I mean, you're... I enjoyed it. Well, not enjoyed it. You're the cause. I didn't like to see... I know I was the cause, but I don't want to be this way. Speaking of the cause... I'm kind of like a little Batman. Did you arrest the cause? I thought it was my first Batman. Oh, no, I'm not talking to you, Forval. Oh, no, but I did, yes. You arrested Bill Cosby? Yeah, I'm a little crime fighter sometimes. Really? That's amazing. That's very good of you to thank for the help. You know...

I'm thinking about, in the recent movies, Batman, you- Yes, you. You didn't have a partner. And here's, you know, a little orphan. I did not have a ward. You didn't have a ward, sure. I need a ward. Here's a little orphan boy whose parents have left him too soon, admittedly from his own hand. That's correct. But, you know, Forval, I could see you in a little diamond mask. Ooh.

And a ball gag? No, no, no, never mind. Not that. What were you going to say? Nothing. A little diamond mask and a yellow cape. Little turned up boots with little shoes. Yeah, little, almost wings and a jaunty R on your chest. Get a cool little haircut that flips in the wind. Yeah, that would be cool. Maybe you guys could fight crime together. Would you let me do that, Batman? I would like nothing more. We are now the Dynamic Duo.

Four of all. Why does he get top billing? Batman, you have to stand up for yourself. I'm a power bottom. Batman? Just like Ebenezer Scrooge? Fuck, yeah. Yeah, correct. Notorious power bottom? Notorious power bottom Ebenezer Scrooge. Best friend to Batman, amongst other things. Okay. I didn't know two power bottoms could have so much in common. But look. It's a beautiful thing. Look. Look.

I can't believe it. I finally have a little jib jab. And maybe, you know, you could adopt him as your ward at some point. And then you could become my daddy. I guess it's... Well, I mean... A ward relationship is not necessarily father-son, is that right? Not necessarily father-son. It's more of a mentorship. You come up to me with advice. What? I don't know the legality of just having a ward. And he lives at your house and... Yeah, I don't... It's more like...

I feel like it's just like your cousin is staying with you for a long time. On the futon? It's like those rules, like don't touch him in any weird ways or don't. Keep out of the medicine cabinet. Keep out of the medicine cabinet. You know what I'm saying. Sure. Yeah. Well, that'll be great. I can't wait. And I don't know where you live, Batman. Probably some sort of a cavern or. I mean, no need to give details. No need to try and figure it out. Okay. Not on, you know, let's keep it a secret is what I'm trying to say. On mic, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, this is great. I mean, what a wonderful relationship. And I feel responsible that we put it together. It's almost like a love connection here. I'm like Chuck Woolery, but without all the bad stuff. You're exactly like Chuck Woolery. And we'll be back in two and two. Wow. Congratulations, guys. Thank you. This is incredible. What crimes are you going to investigate first? Mostly crimes.

by penguins or rip well i think tonight we'll do since danny devito was stamped and now we know it's horrible that one's solved right okay and now that i've hired him i may have to arrest myself in some capacity yeah is there some sort of we'll get into that this is an alfred thing i feel like yeah alfred will know who's that wait who's alfred who me no are you alfred really is that your name alfred zip

Hello. Oh my God, Alfred. It is clearly me, Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred Pennyworth, the butler to Bruce Wayne, the billionaire playboy. The butler to Bruce Wayne. Oh my gosh. Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. You unzipped your Batman costume and it's you. Wow. Underneath. It was me the entire time. So you, are you siphoning off, are you embezzling Bruce Wayne's money or something to pay for this whole Batman escapade? Zip. What?

Hello? You zipped back up the Batman costume and now you're just Batman. Okay. There's a lot. That one's going to be hard to explain. Right. So what type of, tonight, what kind of murder or crime are you going to be investigating? Tonight, go to the top of a building and I'll perch on the corner of it and I will have my cape flapped in the wind and I will stand.

Just nearby with my chest up and my little cape flapping in the breeze. When you say just nearby, do you mean at the top of the building, at the bottom? Like just nearby, like a block away or like somewhere cinematic that we can get in the shot or something. You guys are filming this? I mean, maybe if someone was, it would be cool. It's 2019, could get a drone or something. Oh, sure, yes. And then I'll stand nearby.

And I'll wait, and then when something happens, I'll swoop down, and I'll stab that motherfucker in the face. Oh, I don't think that that's how we do this. Yeah, normally, Batman, I mean, you don't use guns because of the gun that killed your parents. Yes. From what I've heard. What do you mean?

I just Batman lore. I've heard something regarding that. Yes. I like. Yeah. Right. Tony Shalhoub killed your parents. But in this universe. But stabbing. I don't know if Batman. Are you down with that? I hate it. You hate it. I hate stabbing. Why? Because it's the worst.

It's just me. It's just gruesome and terrible. Who likes stabbing? Yeah. Gutting people like a fish. I also don't want a young boy to do it. Yeah. This, I mean... This four-volt is essentially what would have happened to me if I turned bad. Maybe you can turn him around. It's almost like I'm a little Joker boy. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. We literally, I am going to wait 60 seconds until I do anything next. All right. Countdown starting now. 60, 59, 58, 57. Batman, your gravelly voice is elongating these seconds. Can we? 59. Oh, awesome. 60.

Wait, you went back up to 60. 59. Oh, no. Okay. Four. Three. Two. Two. One. What were we going to do? We were just going to wait. That's all. And now we're going to continue. Yes. Little Joker boy. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. It doesn't hurt me. I'm wearing armor. You fool. Body armor. Kevlar vests. I tried to get you because I'm a little Joker boy.

Yeah, oh my god, Forval. But it didn't work. His mouth is, the corners are turning up into a grotesque smile. Hello. Oh my god, are you the Joker? That's me, I'm a little Joker boy. Oh my, his skin is turning pale. Oh my goodness. And his hair! He fell off the table, and there's a little tiny vat of chemicals. Oh no! The tiniest vat! Lorp.

Four of all, I feel like this is kind of a lateral move considering your entire past. It's pretty much just me with makeup on. Yeah, I know. But this is, I'm sorry, I guess the partnership didn't work out, Batman. It just, that went fast. That did not work out. It went down fast. I mean, your ward tried to stab you within five minutes of you agreeing to take him on. Who, me? Yes, you, Batman! I did not know who you were talking to at that time. Richard Batman. Hello. Hello.

Bat-Batthew. It was Batthew. Batthew Man, right. Batthew Richard Man. Right. Well, Batman, I'm sorry that it didn't work out here. It's okay. But hopefully you can come back on the show and we'll eventually find... I will return to the night. Oh, okay. Alone. Do you need any kind of exit music? I noticed you brought out your iPhone. You shall give me a minute. Yeah, sure. No problem. I am the creature. Are we going to count down from 60? Move heaves in the night. 60. 59.

58. 59. 60. Oh, wow. Suddenly cut off and he's gone. Well, Forval...

AKA the Joker. AKA the little Joker boy. I'm so sorry. Congratulations, Scott. Thank you. Our quest to find you parents has come up fruitless again. It'll never work. It'll never happen. I think it's because of your personality. It's true. I've been myself. I've been a little spider boy. I've been a Batman. I'm now the Joker. I've been my own foe.

What a road we have traveled. What a road over the past 10 years. It's amazing. Well, I'm so glad that you came back here for the celebration. Me too. As frightened of you as I am, I don't think it would have been a proper 10-year celebration without you. Correct. Well, thank you, Forval. It's so great to see you. I love you. Congratulations.

Thank you so much. I miss you. Don't stab me on your way out. No, this is going to be a nice one. I know I'm between you and the door, but. I will come back to stab you again another day. Oh, thank you so much. But today you're free. Thank you, Forval. Enjoy the ham. It's really Jay Davidson's pain. I'm not putting that in my mouth. Put it in your goddamn mouth. Bye, Forval. Bye. Oh, wow. That was a close one.

Oh, boy, I am so glad I escaped with my life after that. Four of one of the most dangerous, dangerous guests we have ever had on this show. Don't let his adorable voice fool you. He is a monster. But wow. So that and that's what happens here on Comedy Bang Bang. Sometimes things get a little treacherous. They get a little dangerous for both me and the guests. But, you know, that when you've been doing a show for 10 years, some people are going to try to murder you.

That just happens. You know, I would imagine it happens more with some hosts. I would think Piers Morgan, he gets people attempt to murder him every other day, I would imagine. With me, you know, it's maybe once every three months. So those are good odds. But I tell you that... Oh, my goodness. Who is saying ooh, ooh, ooh as they approach? Oh, so many oohs in so little time. Happy birthday!

Scoth, you? Is this who I think it is? Let me tell you who I think it is. I think it's Eugenia Wobbles. Ding dong, the witch is dead. I would love to see a game show where if you got an answer right, they played a snippet of The Wizard of Oz. Eugenia, from the Great British Baking Show. That's right, yes. I was on one season. I did get kicked off fairly quickly.

But, you know, baking has remained a passion of mine. Thank you so much for letting us know that. Of course. There was some confusion regarding that, and you cleared it right up. I know. Well, that's me. I clear things up. If something's dirty, I sweep it all under the rug. That's not really a good cleaning technique. I brought you a birthday cake, Scott. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much. I mean, it's the birthday of the show. Wait, what?

It's not my birthday. It's the show's birthday. Then what the fuck am I doing? Making a cake. Why the fuck did I bring a birthday cake? Well, it's the show's birthday. We can eat it if you... Stupid Eugenia! Stupid Eugenia! Eugenia, don't be so hard on yourself. Oh, bad girl! You bad, you bad girl!

Oh my God, you're slapping yourself. Oh, it surprised me. I didn't realize I was going to slap myself, and then I did. Eugenia, don't be so hard. It's really my birthday, the show's birthday. What's the diff? Let's cut into this cake. Wait a minute. Are you only 10 years old? I'm not a 10-year-old boy, no. Oh, that's what I thought the whole time. You thought I was a 10-year-old boy? Yes, I thought this was your 10th birthday. I made you a cake of peanuts and old milk duds. Old? Yeah.

Yeah, I found them in my attic. How new are the peanuts? Brand new. I got them at Gelson's Market on my way here. Oh, well, thank you so much. So new peanuts, old milk duds, and cake, I presume? No, no, no. And a lot of glue and binding agents. Normally one uses frosting for that. No, I mean, I'll pour you a pot.

I'll pour you a pile of glue and I'll pour you a pile of frosting. You can't tell the difference. That is true. I mean, they look very, very similar. But I prefer a buttercream frosting of some sort on a cake normally. So you don't like this? I haven't tried it yet, but I definitely will take a look. Can you cut me a piece that doesn't have too much glue in it?

I mean, I have to sort of spread all over this whole point. I have to do a show of my mouth is glued together. Unfortunately, this super long podcast is not going to end. Well, it's not going to glue your mouth together. Just make things a little. You'll be chewing on your words a little bit more. I mean, I mean, I think it could be good for you, honestly. I will. I'll have it. I'll have it. Take a slice. Here you go. Scotheny couldn't be worse than an English muffin. Certainly eaten. Yeah. Take a bite. Go on. Take a bite. Eat the whole thing.

And if it tastes like toilet drainer cleaning solution, don't worry about that. That's an aftertaste. Did you put some in here? That's an aftertaste. If it tastes a little bit like Drano and Clorox bleach alternative. All three of those?

This glue is making it very, very hard to chew. I know. So it lasts longer, doesn't it? Isn't that nice? A little too long. Normally, I want to at least have swallowed one bite. No, I have a printout of your life insurance policy. You have one, right? I printed one out. I googled Scott Aukerman's life insurance policy. What am I doing online? I've got to take stuff down. You know, now, now. Yes? This is ringing some bells for me because you haven't been on the show. Ding dong.

The witch is dead. Right, so I got it right. Ring the bells. That you, by the way, was very gluey. Oh, yes. Super gluey. So gluey you don't know what hit ya. The last time you were on the show, I recall something about you, your family was all... Natural causes.

They were all, as you put it, fully grown, which means they were not growing any longer because they're dead. That's right. That's a British phrase. I didn't come up with that. That's a British phrase. So they're all fully grown in the ground, and you were the beneficiary of some of their life insurance policies? Yeah, I guess so. Yes, I was. And you were trying to get us to eat some of your things? No, I'm just saying.

You don't like dessert? I bring you a dessert and you don't like it. You don't have to eat it, I suppose, if you don't want to. I have to say, if you're trying to poison me, why not make it delicious? Why use the glue and the old milk duds? It seems like you could change your M.O. a little bit to actually, you know, trying to tempt people. Change my M.O.? I hardly know her. That's in the structure of a joke, but it...

doesn't actually make sense when you think about it. Oh, perhaps you're right. Oh, bad Eugenia. Naughty girl. I'm a naughty, naughty Eugenia. You were surprised by that one, too. I always forget that I slap myself. Eugenia. Yes? I'm going to spit out this cake. No, please swallow it, please. Oh, no. It's hanging down because the glue is attached to my bottom lip. As Bill Cosby once said, oh, my gosh.

Oh, don't. Well, promise me you'll eat some later, please. I know you have a show to do now, but later when you're in bed in your PJs. I'm not going to promise this because you're trying to poison me, obviously. And I haven't even like, well, you're not the beneficiary of my life insurance. What? I thought after eating you agreed to make me your beneficiary. You can't even pronounce it, let alone be it. I can too. Beneficiary. Beneficiary.

Look. What? Eugenia. What? Are you hard up for cash? What's going on in your life? Yes. What is happening, Eugenia? I know you were fired from the show. Well, I was fired from the show, but I also invested in some energy drinks, and I think it was actually a pyramid scheme. Oh, no. What was the name of the energy drink? Blast Away. Blast Away. That has some serious connotations for your butthole. Yes.

I don't want if I'm drinking something. Yeah, I don't want to think of it as my energy level will blast away like half an hour to space. No, it's the other end. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, no wonder people did. Well, I invested all my money in that. How much money did you invest? Ten billion dollars. How did you get ten billion? Well, my husband was a country doctor. Oh, that's right. What was his deal?

He did it all. He did ears, nose, throat, ears, nose, throat, hats, pants, belly buttons. Wow. Everything. Eyeballs. So you invested all of your money in this blast away energy drink. And then I lost it all. So it was a pyramid scheme. It was a pyramid scheme. You know, it was all money to build a pyramid. And I didn't I didn't realize that all this is recent pyramid news. Oh, my goodness. Where was this pyramid? Giza.

They have too many there. Well, exactly. And then they built a pyramid with the money I gave them. So they did build it. They built the pyramid. Well, yeah, but then they destroyed it. Why? Because there's too many there. So what is the end game for them to get all of this money from investors? Where does the energy drink even come into it? Well, so the whole idea was...

I have an energy drink. Are you with me? You came up with the idea for the energy drink? Well, no, no, no. I'm just telling you. The pitch is I had it. I have an energy drink. Okay, let's say. Let's just say. Are you with me? I have an energy drink. Okay. I have one energy drink. Okay. I have to hire three friends to also have an energy drink. Okay.

And they hire three for each of them. To have an energy drink. This is where I'm getting confused. How does one have an energy drink? Well, they supply it. You get a sort of flat of energy drinks, right? And you have to—

Yes, you get, I guess, an apartment. Thank you for our American listeners. And you have to sell. You have to then hire or recruit three. Thank you for dumbing you down. Hire or recruit or obtain three other people to also they and they also get a flat of energy drinks and they have to hire other people. What do you do with your flat of energy drinks?

You can drink it or whatever. This is the part of the plan that is not making sense to me. I know, it was a money suck. Everyone just is supplied or given energy drinks and there's no plan of how to get rid of any of them? Oh, thank you. Thank you for the layperson. Eugenia, this is a bad business plan. No wonder. Well, obviously, I lost it. All of your money is gone and they destroyed the pyramid. Yay!

I have nowhere to be entombed when I am fully grown. That was the... So you knew it was going to be a pyramid? You just wanted to be entombed? Once I found out it was going to be a pyramid, I was like, get me entombed in there. And I said it real sassy and I thought it'd be so charming. I'm so sorry. Well, you know, when you're fully grown, you know... Bobbed your uncle? Yeah, well, yeah, that's a British phrase. Yeah. Indeterminate meaning. Knackered. Knackered. Maybe you want to be with your family wherever they reside. Eh.

Not a fan? Meh. Take them or leave them. Yeah. Well, you left them. Definitely. And they left you $10 billion. Scott, how are you celebrating your anniversary? I have to know. Well, I'm having this very large show where all of our old friends are dropping by. Oh. Okay. Not wild about it? I don't know. Why'd you even fucking ask? Hey! Hey! I'm gobsmacked right now.

Please don't smack yourself again. Ooh! Look, Eugenia, it's always great to see you. It's so good to see you, Scott. How amazing it is to see our old friends dropping by, even the ones who try to kill us. I know. Isn't it fun? Can I just get a quick little John Hancock? That's an American saying for you. How do you know who John Hancock is? This is very suspicious. No, I know John Hancock. Your eyes are darting back and forth right now. Eugenia. Huh?

Take the pin and sign it. Take the pin and sign it. You're an American. Guilty. I knew it. How did you know? The minute you said John Hancock. Oh, shoot. Busted. Bob's your uncle. Oh, sure. Oh, dang it. Where are you actually from, Eugenia? Cincinnati. Got tired of packing and unpacking. Yeah. Damn it. You sniffed me out. You didn't have $10 billion, did you? No.

What do you really do for a living? I make fart noises. How do you make money from that? From like apps or for movies?

I've done a lot of Foley for movies. People aren't farting enough in movies these days. It was big in the 90s. And you think, you look back at movies and you're like, I cannot think of a single time that I've heard a fart sound in a movie. Maybe in Casablanca when he's like, play it again, Sam. Yeah. But there's a lot of background fart noises that have to be supplied. As people are walking and crossing camera? Yeah, because that's just natural. That's like, or like. You're really good at it. Can I just say?

I love those. Give me a big, long, wet one. It wasn't as wet as I'd hoped. You got to warm up. I know I put you on the spot. I'm so sorry. Okay, now you're all warmed up. No, that was a fart. That was a fart? Oh, I misunderstood. He's a very sick person. What is your actual name? Eugenia Wobbles? No, it's Tandy Farts. Tandy Farts. And that's how you got into this whole racket? Yeah.

I come from a long line of farts. Oh. And is your family still alive and farting, I guess? Yeah. My dad runs a truck. He runs a truck? Yeah. He's a truck driver. He just like turns it on, turns the ignition? He's a truck driver, however you want to say it. I've been pretending to be British for so long, I don't even know how to say it in America anymore. Well, Tandy. What? I really feel duped. I mean, you were one of our favorite guests ever on the show. Oh.

And here you come on, and you've been lying to me for the approximately one episode that you were on. More than one? No, just one. Just one. Can I get your signature? Sure, yeah. Here you go. My John Hancock. Aha! I did it! I got you! What? Oh, stop the me, I got you now! I am Eugenia Wobbles! You are British! I am 99 years old, and I just happen to know a lot about U.S. history. Oh, that makes more sense. Because I went to Hogwarts. Oh.

Oh my gosh. Don't think about it too much. All right, don't use this signature. Too late. I've already faxed it to my... Barrister? Yes. My solicitor. Solicitor. General. My solicitor general. Okay, I don't know what to think of you, but Eugenia or Tandy or... You'll never know. I'm a shapeshifter. Okay. She just farted and turned into a snake.

All right. Well, Eugenia, it's always, I mean, it's, when I say always great to see you, I mean the two times I've seen you. Yes, it's so nice to see you again. Thank you for dropping by. And thank you so much for signing over your life insurance. All right. I don't know what you said, but all right. Congratulations on your birthday. Thank you. And thank you for the cake. I'm throwing this immediately into the trash. Okay. All right, Eugenia, we'll see you next time. Okay.

Pop, pop. Wow, what a wonderful catchphrase from Eugenia on her way out the door. Gotta start saying pop, pop more often. I really like that addition to her canon.

Oh, boy. So good to see you, Eugenia. And this is truly, truly, this has been an emotional experience for me because all of these people that I love and, well, I guess I don't love all of them, but I hope that some that I do love drop by eventually. Well, no, I love half. I don't even know. I don't want to get into odds. But... Wait a minute. Who's this?

Everybody, what's up? Let's get to this guy. Hey, what's up? Who is this? Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sanz. My goodness. Well, the fearsome duo back together. Oh, my gosh. Every year you guys kick us off and do an episode together, and here you are together. Every season needs a song. Every rose has a thorn. Oh, yeah. Every road has a thong? And every thong has a road. Oh, no.

Guys, where were you? What are you doing together? Do you hang out together? Yeah, we were just hanging out outside and we heard your voice. You're hanging out outside? Come in, come in. Oh, we just did. Yeah, here you are. We're so glad you're here because we heard your voice. We're like, I hope they're just not playing...

an old tape. Yeah. From the studio. We were worried that people were just listening to the oldies and then it turned out to be you. We went to three other rooms and it was just oldies, oldies, oldies. It was just people sweating to the oldies. Yeah, it was a lot of, it was a lot of Richard Simmons sweating to the oldies and your voice happened to be in the background. I mean,

I've always considered, Ben, you to be the modern-day Richard Simmons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people say that I like to work it, work it, get it, curl. Well, he likes to wear satin shorts that are very tiny, but accentuate his goods down there. Let's just call them what they are, the goods. They're my goods. Yeah, 100% my goods. By the way, a lot of people wear short shorts that reveal the ass. Your ass is covered, and the middle part is uncovered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the outline of my ass is covered in silk, and then the middle part of my ass...

Are you talking about the middle? The thong area is just total flesh. Yes, so my ass cheeks are covered, but everything else is free and flowing. Yeah, and that hole is just, I mean, just open for business. Huge, it's ready to go. But by the way, I also wear long shirts, so you would never know until I want to reveal. That's right, it's sort of a night shirt kind of situation. Night shirt. Do the sax solo from Night Court? Here we go, I'm on Night Court. Here, coming down. A what? A what?

Say that. Asshole's clear. What's that? Asshole's clear for business. Horatio, how many sax solos do you know? I know about 400. About 400? Because I didn't want to be a sax master. Yeah, Careless Whisperer. That's a famous one. You know that one. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

And you don't play the saxophone. Never. Never, because I smoke, and my lung capacity is very small. Those are the only reasons? I know. Well, I also think of blowing. I'm always thinking I'm blowing an old jasmine whenever I put a horn in my mouth. That you're actually inflating an old jasmine? I can't not...

think about me like blowing Satchmo whenever I get a satchmo. You think old jazz men have their genitals are shaped like the instruments they play? Sure, because of movies or whatever. Because of movies! I understand that. You grew up watching these black jazz men and you're wondering what's going on. You're like, I wonder if their dicks are like...

from like old... Oh, that's totally you. That's totally you. I've never seen... No, no, not movies. It's totally you in your head. I've never seen a horn and been like, oh, that's probably a jazz man's penis. So when you saw like old musicians in your kid growing up, you never thought about it, that their penises looked like...

The huge horns they're holding? Just the mouthpieces. Oh, you mean the, what do they call the part? The wind? The wood thing? It's not the reed. The reed. Well, it is a reed, actually, but yeah. But I'm thinking mostly kind of just like the mouthpiece itself. I don't. I don't see how you could, but I don't. Speaking of reed, Horatio, you're writing a book, I heard. I am. And I'm going to read it. What is your book?

It's the jazz age. Oh, wow. And it's just what I, it's all little scribbling drawings of what I think everyone's penis looked like in the jazz age. So your book is about the exact thing you're talking about.

Almost, except what I'm talking about now is purely a saxophone-based conversation. And this is... Where the other one is mostly the whole jazz age. This is like every instrument. Okay. So you're widening out the scope. Oh, yeah. Everything. All right. There's three pages just on the zither, which is like a fold, a three out. It's almost like a Playboy centerfold. Oh, wow. That's exciting. Yeah. Cool. Cool.

What are you? Are you writing a book, too? I'm writing a book also. It's just called Normal Penises. And it's just a picture of what normal penises look like. Are these drawings or are these just pictures of your own penis? These are like very 3D. You know those drawings of people that have a lot of dots? Is it a pop-up book? It's a pop-up book.

Did you take me out yet? Did you get me out of that book yet? Did I put you... Oh, your dick is still in there. No, it's still in there. Oh, please take it out. Why? It's a huge spread. It's gorgeous. And what it is is... Yeah, I'm worried if I were to open it up, like a dick would come out in a pop-up book and poke me in the eye. You're going to make fun of me, but this is the thing we say. Keep your mouth closed any time you open up a page.

Because then it essentially is like, we don't want it to be, but it could be. Yeah, exactly. Just someone opens a book and is all like, oh. Well, I don't know about that. That's deep-throating. There's only like seven pages I could say that. You should have baby food shoot out of the pages. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with both of you? You're talking about a penis pop-up book. No, I'm not. Sir, no, I'm not.

And then I put life to the genitals and make them, you know, excrete their natural excretions. Okay. I'm going to the publisher. Hey, man, I really like what we got. I love this. Is there any way for every page of this book we can throw some baby food in there? Every time someone opens the page, by the way. Baby food for nourishment or to sell a gag that Jizz is shooting out of it? Sure. To sell a gag. Is it possible? Yes. No, it's not.

How would you reload it? I mean, it seems like the ratio just ruined my book. Every book comes with a bottle.

And a pump? So you have to do it yourself? And you have to attach the pump through a little plastic rubber line that goes right into the book. This sounds like a lot of work. I don't like to do that much work when I'm reading. I like to open a book. I like the pop-up things to come out, and then I like to be done with like three of them. Every single book is a pop-up book. I like to open a book. I like the pop-up book to come out. I like to go, wow, look at that. Look how big that pop-up is. I like to have no food perishable items come out of the books, and I like to put it down.

Well, guys, thank you so much for coming on my 10th anniversary. Did you know it was my 10th anniversary? No, is it? Happy anniversary. Decade long. Happy anniversary. 10 years. Happy anniversary. 360 times 10.

Happy anniversary. You left out a bunch of weeks. Scott, thank you so much for having us. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for dropping by. It means the world to me. And we can stick around. No, I'll see you at the first episode of next year. All right. Thanks guys. All right. Really fun to see you.

Oh, and by the way, pump out the jams. Long-time listener. Long-time listener. Long-time contributor. Never-time listener. 25-time talker. Really excited for you to pump out the jams. Ray Show, do you have anything else you want to plug? This isn't... We're not plugging things. Just the bag. Oh, just the blag. Just the blag. Yeah, do you want to... By the way, we've been having a lot of trouble with our plugs theme. Do you want us to give you a quick one for the 10th anniversary? Maybe we can switch now? I mean, we're halfway through the year. Maybe we can switch to something new. Give me something new. All right. And this is to open up the plug bag? This is to close...

So it should have nothing to do with opening the plug bag. Nothing to do with opening the plug bag. All right. Shall I start? Sure, yeah. Okay, so this is to close, by the way. To close the bag. I'm happy we can do this on the 10th anniversary. Okay, thank you. Here we go. Closing up the bag. Okay, here we go. Don't let any air in. Close it up your heart while you open up the bag.

Open up the bag. Close your heart. Open up the bag. Close up your heart. Open up the bag. Close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open the bag.

Wow. That was pretty good. It's definitely shorter. I will give you that. We're not done. And the closing up it goes. But then you open up your bag. Talking close it. Gotta open it. You gotta close it. You gotta open it. Gotta close it. Gotta open it. Close it. Close it. Open up bag.

Wow. Thank you so much, guys. I don't know that we'll be switching that. Maybe we'll alternate between them. Horatio took off his earphones. He was so certain we were done. I'm done. We did a great job. All right. Thank you so much, guys, for coming by. So fun to be here. Always.

Okay, guys, we'll see you later. Oh, so good to see them. It's so wonderful that those two guys appear together on the first episode of Comedy Bang Bang every single calendar year. First episode in January for the past four, five, six years. I don't even know. But such good guys. So great to see them. And, you know, we're getting really close to the... Hey! Hey, who's...

How's it going? Who's approaching? How's it going, babe? Oh my goodness, someone from the British Isles is here? That's right. I just wanted to say, say, say hello. How's it going? It's Mal McCartney from Britain. Wait, Mal McCartney?

We're having our favorite guests on the show. Frequent guests. As I recall, you were on one episode 227? Uno episodio, bro-lo. In the middle of our fourth year or fifth year, somewhere in there. Yes, somewhere in there. Thank you. I haven't seen you in so long. Maul McCartney from... Well, it's been quite a long time, baby. Yeah, I've been going to a lot of mauls. I'm up on the show.

Mm.

You've been listening to every single episode? Really good stuff, yeah. Thank you so much. Always nice to meet a fan. And I unlock the secret ones. That's right, yeah. We put out secret ones just for our richest, most exclusive guests. Yeah, babe. Yeah. And the one you made just for me was so great. Look, we love you, Mama Cartney. The one about British malls. Yes. You know, which the- Ooh, someone's taking my picture you can't see at home because it's radio. Hey there. Hey there.

All right. Wow. You are so photogenic, Ma McCartney. Thank you. I was the cute one in the band I was once in. You've had a lot of work done, though, if you don't mind me saying. I have. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to look like an old lady. I said, I went to the plastic surgeon. I said, make me look like an older bird. And he chopped it up.

Took out the silicone gun and squirted it in, put it in the caulking gun, squirt, squirt, nub, nub, pinch, pinch, cut, cut, sew, sew, and I look like this. At what point with plastic surgery will they get to the point where it's like, wow, you look just like you did when you were 30? Because otherwise it just looks like, oh, wow, you look like you're 80 with plastic surgery. Yeah, well, there's like two years there where your face is just big.

Everyone's face is very big, and then it settles down, and you kind of get this like, yeah, it looks nothing like you, but it looks weird. And like, yeah, it's like a CGI version or something. Well, Mal McCartney, let's catch up. As I recall, the last time you were on, you were in the Beatles. Yes, Beatles. But primarily, you're interested in specific stores in malls?

or just malls in general? Oh, malls in general. I like a Ross Park mall in Pittsburgh, babe. When I played Ross Park, when I played Pittsburgh, I go to the Ross Park mall. I love, when I come out here, babe, I love the Glendale Galleria. Oh, okay. It's a really cool mall. I like to vibe in there. Zara, even though it's girls clothes, I could go in there. You can bring pets into any store there. You can bring pets into any store. They can just take dumps right there in the middle of the store and people have to laugh and go, haha.

It's fine. And encourage them to. Yeah. I can do whatever I want because I'm so famous. I mean, your pets can do that. Your pets can do that. You are literally taking dumps and stores. I could. I could do whatever I want, including take a dump or kill someone because I am actually so famous that no one will bother me. I've tried it. And I've never killed someone, babe. You've never killed someone, babe? No, I've never killed someone as a babe.

I've never killed a babe. Have you ever killed, like, a pig? I tried to date her. I killed a pig. You mean a cop or a pig? Either. A pig pig? Either. I'll take either, yeah. No, but I don't mind a little bakey bakey in the morning. I like some scrummy muffies and a little bakey. I thought that you were a vegetarian, or am I confusing you with Paul McCartney?

I don't know who that is, babe. I, no, no. Because it seems to me like you're a cross between Paul McCartney and someone who likes malls and Austin Powers. Well, I'm a meat vegan. I'm a megan. Oh. So it's a vegan, I only eat vegan fake meat. Oh.

Oh, I see. So no plant, no... Yeah, you can catch me at Little Pine chopping up some fakin' or some fake chicken as long as it's vegan. But I only eat fake meat. You don't catch me eating no kale. Got it, got it, got it. Even though it is vegan, it's not vegan. Technically, it's a plant, yeah. It's not vegan. I got it. Tell me about these malls. What do you like to do when you go to a mall?

Oh, I go to a nice mall. I live in a mall. You live in a mall? My LA residency is the Americana. I live in the Americana Mall on Brandon Glendale, California. Is that the mall that you were saying that you like going to or you like going to the other? I live there. I like this so much that I got a little flat. Because you said you like going to the Glendale Galleria, which is across the street. Well, that's just a hop, skip, and a jump, isn't it? Sure. Yeah.

So why do you live in Americana if you like going to the Glendale Galleria? Well, we've got apartments at the Americana, don't they? That's a good point. And I love going there, you know, because it's like a difference, a change of pace. The air conditioning's on and air conditioning is on at the Americana, but you have to understand most of it's outside. So if you want an indoor shopping experience, it was a big

part of moles. And a big part of why, because I'm old, babe. I'm 73, you know? I think you're a little older than that, if I had to guess. I could be 83. You could be, yeah, you could be anything. We have no idea. I'm having a little over, you know, I'm getting a little dementia. You have a senior moment right now. I might be having a senior moment, yeah. But look, you were one of the Beatles, obviously. Yeah. Just like they said, if you remember the 60s, you weren't even born then.

Can you sing us one of your famous songs? I mean, I know we have John Lennon on the show sometimes. Do you know John? Oh, Johnny? Of course, yeah. A genius. He's not too into malls. May he rest in peace. He's dead. No, he's back. Well, maybe I shouldn't be telling you this. Yeah? He came back to life. Is that real? He doesn't want anyone to know this. Oh. But he spent five years dead, and then he was just like, I'm kind of sick of this. So he came back to life. But he doesn't like people to know it because he doesn't want Yoko to ever...

Find out. He's trying to avoid Yoko. Yoko finds out, yeah. Well, he borrowed her beret. She might do a piece of performance art about it. Yeah, yeah. He borrowed her beret and doesn't want to give it back. Rebirth and forgiveness. Exactly. Anyway. Anyway. Sing us one of your hits. John refuses to sing anytime he's on the show. John? Oh, John Lennon. John Lennon, the person we were just talking about. Yeah, thought he was dead, wasn't dead. He's not dead. But... Don't use that information and give it to Yoko. No, no, no. I, um...

Yeah, I am friendly with her. I asked her to break up the Beatles. You did? Yeah, I begged her. Why would you do that? I was like...

But please break us up. Take the fall, babe, because I was the one with all the problems, you know, like, but I was like, you know, people want to, you know, people already kind of like, who the fuck are you? Was it mall related, your reason to break up? Because it seems to me like a lot of your motivation has to do with malls. I hate to be the one to remind you of this. I don't know if you know anything about the Beatles in any way, but we didn't tour a lot.

Shea Stadium and then you were out. Yeah, we were out. So my personal access to malls was extremely inhibited in the Beatles to the point of absurdity. And when we went to visit Maharishi in India, I didn't even hang out. Really? I went to the mall, Maharishi.

The Harish Mall. Oh, the Harish Mall over there in India, right? Yeah, it's the Harish Mall, and it was really great. And they have everything they have here, which is very cool. A Jeans West? They have a Jeans West, American Eagle. Love that stuff. Orange Julius? Orange Julius, Wetzel's Pretzels, and an Annie's right around the corner. Oh.

Depending on how dense the garlic powder salt that you want sprinkled all over it so you can get diarrhea. And then I wash it down with a nice Cinnabon. You wash it down with a Cinnabon? Wash it down with a Cinnabon and then an Orange Julius for dessert. It's all healthy. Orange Julius. Seems like you would flip-flop those. Might as well call it fart juice, baby.

Hello, baby. Sing us one of your famous Beatles songs. When I gap to the bottom, I gap to the top of the slide. And I stop and I turn and the gap I like. I like men's and women's clothes with a thing in the middle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of them there. Beautiful. Paul McCartney busting out one of his Beatles hits. Yeah, that was a Beatles hit. I got another one planned. You have another one planned? Well, please, let's put that plan into action. Hey, Juliette, you're really orange.

Take a normal drink and make it sweeter. The minute you mix that milk and the orange flavors together, you have orange Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. There's a change right here. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Orange Julius, it's just what you thought it was going to be. Oh, wow. It's just what you thought it was going to be. No wonder you're one of our favorite guests. Absolutely. I want to mole your hand. It's a little bit violent. Well, that's M-A-U-L. M-A-U-L, but it's M-A-L-L in the song because it's all mole stuff. Sure, yeah. But still, when one hears it, it's very violent imagery. Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely. And then you've got, of course, Brookstone on the run.

Brooke Stone on the run. This is a fan mixed with a thermometer. What the fuck is it?

It's Brookstone. And Brookstone is on the run, babe. Are they really? I think they might be closing it down. They're going chapter 11, really? They might be chapter 11, yeah. They're flying a drone to deliver the message. It ran out of battery. Most mall stores seem to be closing down. You go to more malls than I do, but any time I go to one, it seems like there's maybe a Lids kiosk and then just a whole bunch of...

Closed for business signs. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Sometimes you've got a Pacific Coast, you know, nice little kiosk there. And like the Glendale Galleria, I don't know if you've been there lately, but they've got a great Scientology kiosk where they actually have, no joke, they have the paddles there that you put your hands on to get an E-meter. The E-meter, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Oh, yeah. It's all right there. So, wow. What about Sunglasses Hut? Yeah.

Sunglasses Hut is definitely there. You've got the Lens Crafters. Lens Crafters, yeah. Anything that covers your eyes, it's there. Yeah, you can go to the mall. I'll stock up and get like a fart machine from Spencer's. Go into Spencer's. Spencer's is still around. I'm surprised. You've got Hot Topic. You've got Spencer's. There's like a game where you end up fucking your friends.

And that's the ideal outcome of the game. I mean, that's the ideal outcome out of anything. Honestly, it's been the ideal outcome out of this show, and no one has ever chosen to fuck me after it. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that could be for other reasons. Stinky smell. Hey. Emoji. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm hip. I use emoji jokes and say LOL, whatever, man. Maybe you should change your name to Emoji McCartney. Oh, yeah? Maybe you should change your name to Rocky Raccoon, baby. That's a classic Mal McCartney slam. Yeah, definitely. And of course, you got, you never give me your...

What's a mall? What's a store? You're the one who goes to malls. What's a store in a mall? You never give me your molly. Oh, no, that's problematic today because of the molly ODs. Jeez.

It's problematic because it's terrible. Half the people who die these days die from a Molly O'Dea. You're kidding me. Oh, no. Never joke. Never a joker. Never a joker. Never a joker. Always a jack. There's a little card joke that doesn't make any sense. Very little. You have one more mall song that isn't just, you know, the worst? Oh, well, you know, I...

C, C, C, it's candy from the C's Candy Shop. It's not the best candy, but everyone seems to like this candy. And it's not, it's regional. Is C's Candy regional? I can't tell. C's Candy, I think, is regional. It's not out there in Pittsburgh? You mentioned the Pittsburgh Mall that you really like. No, or...

Toronto or no. See's Candies is nowhere, baby. Oh, one last question. Yeah. Do I make you horny? Yeah.

Yeah, baby. Yeah. All right, Maul. You make Maul McCartney horny. Well, hey, man, this has been real. This has been great. This has been the best. This has been great. This has been fantastic. We couldn't have done the show without you, Maul. Yeah, because I'm the guest, right? Maul, great to see you. Great to see you, man. Take care, baby. Another baby. Wow. Oh, so great. Whoever could have predicted that Maul McCartney...

Scott!

Who's this now? It's me, Rudy. Rudimentary North. Rudimentary North, one of our new favorites. Scott, I am coming in as... I'm piping hot, Scott. You are as hot as can be. My skin is steaming. I am... You're bubbling over here. Hold on, let me take off these jackets because I am piping hot, Scott. It is a relatively cold day today. You have steam coming off of you? I will take these off. It's important. This will all make sense in a second. But Scott, before we get started, we got to get something out of the way right now.

Previously on Comedy Bang Bang. I am a dirtbag. I life-swapped a guy, took his job at Postmates. Got fired from Postmates for punching people in the throat. I was walking down the street and... Just the other day? I was walking down the street just the other day. This guy, I punched him and I absorbed his life force. Okay. So...

Currently, I'm the owner of a California Donuts. Have we ever talked about you absorbing the life forces of these people? Because as far as I recall, you were also a magical being. That's not important, Scott! I mean, yes, I'm immortal.

You know what? Wait. You know what? I am doing a press conference next week. I did make a discovery in Egypt. I discovered an ancient tomb. Was there a date that you were begotten? 1600. Oh, what? It was 1600, but I can't get into that. The 17th century? The turn of the 17th century. I have the same powers as the flesh. Every single power? Yep. I can phase through stuff. I

I would love to experience it. You want to talk to the speech force? Yeah, let me get in there. All right, hold on. Oh!

Oh my God. That was amazing. Yeah. That was like three years we were in there. Possums. I got big nuts and if you're going to criticize anything, you got to criticize my dog. Owner of a donut shop. God, we had a lot of fun times in there. That was really fun. I feel like, I mean, you're my best friend. I love you, Scott. For the last three years. I want to say that I do have a message for the future. Scott, you should not end the podcast. Something terrible will happen.

Oh, okay. Well, I wasn't really close. Okay. All right. Great. Wow. You brought your own recap. Normally you do your own recap. I just thought it was important that you edited this together. God, what did you use? Pro tools? I use pro tools. Okay. I contacted one of the employees of this podcast. Scott,

And I got all the raw data and I did it myself. Wow. Well, that catches us up as far as I know. I mean, Rudy North, everything that you just heard. I mean, we didn't mention that you got a new job, which when John Lennon was on recently, we sang a little bit of that. He was definitely confused, if I remember correctly. Now, Scott, I'm here because, well. Well, it's my 10th anniversary. I would hope that you're here to celebrate. That's true, Scott. And I do want to say happy anniversary. Thank you so much.

But it's your anniversary. Scott, I have bad news. Oh, no. Regarding yourself or about me? Regarding myself. Oh, thank God. No, you're fine.

Everything's fine. 10th anniversary. Let's celebrate, baby. Okay. Now, Scott, something bad happened to me. Now, you heard of the previously odd that I said if you ended the podcast, something terrible would happen. Sure, and I'm not ending. This is not the final episode. That was the misunderstanding, Scott. Okay. I think you thought I was talking about the podcast in general.

I was talking about the episode. That particular episode. That's right. I needed you to stall for another 30 minutes. Why? What happens? Scott, it's very complicated. I made a deal with the Speed Force. Look, I can't talk about it right now. Why? Scott. This is a 10-hour podcast. Scott. We have nothing but time. Scott.

I have an announcement to make. Please. This is no better place for it. I got a new job. You got a new job. I got a new job. What was your last job? Do we need a previous leave on for that? My last job was definitely Santa Claus for a little bit. Yes. Okay. So I took that over. I was there. There was Christmas trees involved. Right. And yeah, the Christmas tree salesman. The Christmas tree salesman. But Scott, I'm the devil now.

The devil himself? That's right, Scott. I have been banished to hell because you ended that episode early and now I am the devil. Oh, normally when people are banished to hell, they suffer there. Nope. I got promoted to devil right away. You were so good at it. They banished me down there. They tried to torture me, Scott. But let me just tell you something.

I am a famous dirtbag. Right. Okay. It's hard to torture a dirtbag. You can't torture a dirtbag. Dirtbags torture you. Exactly. What a country. It's like Russia. I'm like, y'all got smeared off of dirtbags. Now, Scott, I went down to hell, of course, because you went to the podcast early. I don't recall. I don't know what the deal was with me getting it early, but we can't get into it. Of course not. Because it has to do with my parents being wizards and stuff like that. Right. Okay. Now, I was down in hell.

First of all, I was walking down hell. Just the other day. Of course. I ran into a demon and I knew what to say. You knew what to say at this point. So things are already off to a great start now. Yeah. So I knew what to say. I basically said, hey man.

What was that up there? Because they always look it up because hell's underground. Right. Sure. So the only view is up there. So can you see clouds? Can you see heaven from hell? Oh, yeah. Okay. You got to see through earth, but it's up there. You need like a heaven. You need a heaven scope. It's called a heaven scope. Heaven scope. It's a telescope for the heaven. And it just goes right through the earth. Straight through the earth. All the way through. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I got those out there at the like Griffith Park Observatory. Yeah. Where do we see it? Is it sticking up out of the ground somewhere in two places on Earth that are equidistant from each other? Scott, you know a lot about these telescopes. I'm just guessing. You're very good at guessing, Scott. That's one thing that I think has bonded us through the years. And of course, we are best friends. You've been on the show for approximately two years. I have. I have. But you know, Scott, maybe less now, Scott. I...

Now, of course, I punched this demon in the throat. Oh, of course. But you said, hey, what's that? I said, what's that up there? He looked up. I punched him in the throat. Took his pitchfork.

Pish forked him in the butt. Of course. Is that the usual part of the process? No, but I did one time. Using whatever tool that they have to poke them in the butt? Sometimes you turn things around, and I don't normally punch people in the butt, but I do remember. When you owned the donut shop, did you poke someone in the butt with a donut? I think I used a hose to maybe spray someone in the face. Okay, sure. And when I was a leaf blower guy, I definitely leaf blowed things into people's faces. You don't want to do that up the butt. I don't want to do that up the butt. That'll terror wreck them. I mean, what, what? Now, Scott. What?

Let me tell you something about being a demon in hell. It wasn't good for me. It wasn't? Now, this I didn't like because I had a boss. I had to go to like, you know I like to be my own boss. Who's your boss? The devil! Right. This is in the beginning, Scott. Before I became the devil. Before you became the devil. Now, you know I like being my own boss. Yeah, you like to be self-employed. Self-employed. I drove an Uber because the car was the boss. Right. Is there a lot of bureaucracy down in hell? Oh, Mike. Let me tell you something. First of all, the devil is a little bit of a bitch.

Okay, Scott? Okay. I'm telling you. And this dude, look, he loves talking shit.

He loves talking shit, Scott. Well, I mean, it's the devil, you know? I'm sure he's rewarded for that kind of behavior. Oh, my God. He rewards himself. Every time he talks shit, he picks up a Hershey kiss and he eats it. That shit melts in his hand before it gets in his mouth. He slurps it out of his mouth. He should have, like, a refrigerator down there. He's an idiot. Are they not allowed down there? He doesn't like cool stuff. Right. He likes hot stuff. He likes it plenty hot, yeah. It's pretty annoying for me, but as a dirtbag, I've adapted, of course. Right. And, you know, I didn't like having a boss.

So the devil called me into a meeting and he said, Rudy, Rudy Metri North, we've been doing a report on your efficiency as a demon. And I'm like, this motherfucker. I reach over to try to get a Hershey kiss. He slaps the top of my head like a, you know, like I'm doing something wrong. Right. Sure. Yeah. And I said, you know what, devil?

It's time for the Rudy North takeover. And he says. You gave him a warning. I gave him. This is the first time I've ever given a warning. Wow. I've never given a warning, but this was the devil. So I needed to just play him. Right. Yeah. And I said, I said, you're about to get a Rudy North special. And he said. What's that? Exactly.

Because he doesn't, you don't understand that language. Oh, okay. Is he constantly speaking demon? Yeah. Ancient primordial language. He's speaking demon, which again is just broken English. Okay. But you can translate to you. You could translate. And what he's basically said was, look, I'm going to have to file a report. And as soon as he said that, Scott, I reached over his desk.

I punched his ass in the throat. Wow. You know, as my best friend, I taught you to move. Sure. Yeah. And I punched him in the throat and well, he now bows down to me.

He bends the knee. He bends the knee, Scott. To you. That's right. Now I'm the devil. So you swapped jobs. You did a job swap. Yes. So now he's just a demon. Now you're the devil. Exactly, Scott. And let me just tell you something. All the other jobs I've had, I did not enjoy, Scott. Well, you don't have a boss as the devil, unless I guess some people would think that God or Jesus is the boss of the devil. What are you saying? Well, there are some schools of philosophy that think that

The devil, you know, is technically being guided and given orders by heaven. Okay. Okay. Okay, cool. Cool. Cool. Okay. I mean, that's some schools. Have they ever checked in with you? No, no, no. I haven't seen God in a while. I guess I have seen some memos. You've seen God before, though? Yeah, I saw God. Yeah, I saw him. Well, so first of all, they have a fun, like on Halloween, they have a God heaven party. Yeah.

Okay. Which is very fun. And does hell have a hell party? Well, they mix it up. It's like, it's a God, it's a God, heaven, hell party is what I meant to say. Oh, I see. So everybody, we get to, we meet on earth. Okay. Okay. In between. Yeah. That's right. Mutual ground. Oh yeah. We hang out at the Ace Hotel and we have a fucking great time, Scott. Right. We party. I mean, Tupac was there.

Tupac was there. Wow. Biggie Smalls was there. I mean, John Lennon and I were talking about the famous dead musicians who, you know, who would be in a band together. Yeah. It's crazy. I saw those guys rap together. Oh yeah. They rap together. Yeah. But one's in heaven and one's in hell. Wait, which one? Yeah.

Scott. I'm not able to tell. I only saw him at the party. You're not at liberty to say? I saw him at the party, so it's like, I didn't ask. Well, you're the devil. You can probably access that information. Yeah, you're right. But you know what? I don't go into the paperwork room. You know how I do things, Scott. Yeah, total dirtbag style. Total dirtbag, Scott. Just flying by the seat of your pants. Kick my feet up, flying by the seat of my devil pants. Did you poke the devil in the butt with his pitchfork? Oh, yeah, Scott. I'm constantly doing it. I hooked him up to like a fucking machine that just is a pitchfork. Where'd you get the fucking machine? Oh!

I bought it online. Now, Scott, I'm so happy that I'm the devil now. I'm happy for you. This is incredible. But the sad part and the bad thing I needed to tell you is that

This is the last time I can appear on the podcast. What? No, you're one of our favorite guests of the past two years, if that. Yeah, if that. Now, Scott, I am so sorry, but I really had to fight to leave hell today to do this. Well, you're your own boss. They don't let you leave hell whenever you want. But with every second I'm outside of hell, my power grows weaker, Scott. Oh, I see. That's right. Just like the DC Comics devil himself. Yeah.

I think they got a devil character. They probably do. I know Marvel has Mephisto. Hellboy. Something like that. Who knows? Yeah, sure. Now, I'm definitely like that. You're like that. That's right, Scott. So I'm sorry. Your power is being drained away as you speak to me. That's right. And you don't want to lose that power. I don't want to lose that power, Scott. Because someone could throat punch you. That's true, Scott. And right now, my speed force is almost at a zero.

Am I devil force? That's hell related. No, that's just different. I haven't used it in a while. Hmm. Speed force. Scott, I can't get into that right now. I don't know all the rules of all your various powers. You know, you did hang out with me for three years in the speed force, but I guess you didn't pick up on it. You know how memory works. That's true. You forget things the further away you get. That's right. It's been a long time.

I should have left you without a dope pizza. Of course not. Scott, thank you for that. I appreciate it. Scott, I'm so sorry, but this is the last time. Is Aaliyah down there by the way?

there, by the way? Well, I must say, she is not. Okay. She's an Evan. She made it all the way up there. Good for her. Good for her. I wouldn't want her to be strapped to a fucking machine. No, no, hell no. She's strapped. Not R. Kelly related. No, no, no. She's up there and as a matter of fact, she is the person perpetrating most of the revenge on R. Kelly right now. Okay.

She's the guardian angel of everyone, you know, so she's having fun. Okay. I'm glad she landed on her feet or her wings or whatever it is. And you know, you know what she always says at first, you don't succeed. Pick yourself up to try again. Um, so Scott, and now, first of all, I feel bad because even just saying the word Scott,

I like saying Scott. No one's going to be saying Scott as much as you anymore without you being on the show. There's going to be an absence of the word Scott. It really is. Because it's a... I don't say the word Scott as much as you say it.

I'm sad, Scott. I'm sad too, Rudy. That's why I was coming in so piping hot. You were so piping hot, and now you're going to be leaving me cold. And I know the fans are going to be so sad. I think they will be. I mean, you're one of our favorites. Yeah, fan favorite. Self-described fan favorite. Of course, but self-fulfilling prophecy. Scott, I'm so sorry. So, you know, thank you. This is a real bummer for me. It's a real bummer for the fan, but thank you for having me. Look, there's no way that...

In some convoluted turn of events, I might appear again in the future. I doubt there will be ever a way because you have a lot of responsibilities as the devil. The good news is, is you'll be seeing several of our fans down there as they expire. That's true. Pass on. That's true. Yeah. Is there anything? Can they give you a Hainong man or something like that to let them know that they're a fan of yours? I'll tell you what. If you come down to hell and you give me a quick Hainong man. How quick? It's got to be like this.

You know, I'm good. Just like, and very kind of under your breath. Very quiet, because I don't want the other divas to hear. Right, right. Because I can't be giving all these favors away. Right. I will turn the pitchfork fucking machine down to low. Okay, well, that's very nice of you. That's the little, because I want CBB fans. How many thrusts is it on a low per minute? That's like 10 per minute. Okay, every six seconds? That's not bad at all. Okay. It's like a light massage.

It might be good. Look, it's still going to be hot. You're going to be burned up. Sure. Yeah. All the rest. Turn the pitchfork fucking machine down. Because I love comedy. Bang, bang, Scott. Well, we love you. We're going to be so sad that you're not with us anymore. I know. And it's just been so great to be a part of the canon and just sort of like add as much as I can every appearance I make. And I'm just just thank you, Scott.

It's been my pleasure. I mean, Rudy, you're one of my best friends. Formerly my best friend, and then time gets in the way. It's like we got out of college, but we had our time. Always go back to that time. Yeah, of course. Before Thanksgiving, we'll always be a part of Thanksgiving. Always, yeah, I'll always celebrate it. You know, and those recipes, we've... We don't have time to get into those. We don't have time to get into that, Scott. But of course, Scott...

One thing I wanted to say was I did not ever get into my discovery in that ancient Egypt tomb. That's right. We've always wanted to know. Yes. Do we have time to get into it right now? I think we might have time to get into it, Scott. We're doing a very long show, so I think we do have time. Scott, the discovery I made in that tomb in ancient Egypt was a bunch of Pop-Tarts, Scott. Pop-Tarts? Yes.

That is right. Like modern Pop-Tarts? You discovered them, someone left them there recently? That's right, Scott. And, of course, that was evidence of time travel in ancient Egypt. Oh, I see. A time traveler went backwards in time and left them. That's true. Oh, my gosh. And it was evidence of an enemy who's been hunting me down since, well, the very beginning of time. Oh, so the beginning of time. Yes. I mean, you were sired in the 1600s. It's true. But...

Of course, my life force has been around since the beginning of time because I don't know the rules on this. You've never explained them. Well, the speed force loop, I can't get into it, but the lightning bolt was me from the beginning. Okay. But Scott, well, that enemy, well, there's evidence of that enemy. And now that I'm in hell, well, there's room for this enemy to run free, Scott.

Now that you're not safeguarding Earth, which is something I'm presuming that you did. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Those were some of your responsibilities. That's canon. Okay. Now that you're not safeguarding Earth, this enemy is running free? That's right, Scott. This enemy is my daughter. Your d-d-d-daughter? That's right, Scott. My d-d-d-d-daughter? Who's your daughter? Judy North. Judy North? That's right, Scott. Beware of Judy North.

She may come in the form of another comedic character. You will never know, Scott. You will never know. Rudy, don't go. He's sprouting a horned tail and speaking the ancient Aramaic language. Goodbye, Scott. Goodbye, Rudy. Goodbye. Oh, he closed the door. I think that it was a smoke bomb to disguise his exit. Oh, hi.

Oh, hi. Hi. Hi, hello. My name's Judy. Oh, hello, Judy. Judy North. Wait a second. That's ringing sort of a bell for me. Uh-huh. I'm trying to remember why. Well, I'm a dirtbag, Scott. Why have I heard that name before? Judy North. Well, you might have heard of it because I was just the CEO of Starbucks. Oh.

That's right. Judy North. Judy North. CEO of Starbucks and nothing else. Oh, yeah. Judy North. Yeah, I guess you've been in the news. Yeah. Are you running for president? Uh-huh. I might be running for president. Oh, okay. Well, it's great to meet you, Judy. It's great to meet you, too, Scott. Doing a little 10th anniversary podcast here. Very cool. And happy anniversary, Scott. Thank you so much. I'm very happy for you. Having a lot of old friends on the show. But it's always nice to meet a new friend. Well, I'm so happy to be a new friend here, Scott.

Judy North. That's right. Judy North. Well, great. Are you just going to hang out or? Yeah, I guess so. I might just hang out. Okay, cool. Cool. All right. Well, so I guess do I just write my name on the table? Yeah, do it. I mean, you're one of our new friends here on the show. Future fan favorite, Judy North. Open door policy here. Anyone can come in. Someone we've never seen before. Has never been mentioned on the show previous to this. Never.

Well, Judy, can I ask you some questions about yourself? Well, of course, Scott. How old of a woman, girl? Well, it's very rude to ask a woman her age, Scott. Oh, and it's the first question I asked. I apologize. I'm Judy North.

You are Judy North, yes. Skyett? You don't want to tell me who it is. Skyett? Yes. You say my name a lot, a lot like someone I used to know. Skyett? Yeah, that's my name. You do. Yeah, I used to have a friend. I'm sort of forgetting about it a little bit. I used to have a friend who said my name all the time. Oh, cool. Was he a genie or something?

I never really quite figured that out. He might have been. Do you know what friend I'm referring to? No, Scott. I've never been here before. Have you listened to the show, though? I mean, the world. Oh, my God. Huge fan. Huge fan. Okay, then that must be. But I've skipped a bunch of very specific episodes. Oh, okay. So. Hmm.

You know. Over the past. Two years or so. If that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, Scott, I'm so happy to be here. Wow. I'm happy to have you. I mean, we may have to get on with the show here. No problem, Scott. I do want you to move on. But one thing I do want you to remember is that Judy North will always be here for you. Well, thank you, Judy. I would love to have you back on the show as many times as you would like to be on. Of course. We have a lot of absences. Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of people don't show up, and I do live very close. So hit me up. Okay, yeah, I definitely will. How do I? I don't have any of your information, do I? Oh, just talk to one of the engineers. Okay, great. You're tight with the engineers? I'm tight with the engineers. Okay. Well, Judy, so nice to meet you. Scott, so nice to meet you, too. We'll be seeing you many times in the future. Yes, you will.

All right. Take care, Judy. Bye, Scott. Judy North. Okay. Well, that's going to be very important over the next 10 years, I would imagine. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Come on.

Hi, everyone. I want to tell you about a wonderful podcast. And no, I'm not talking about the one that you're listening to right now. Why would I talk about that? You're listening to it. I want to tell you about a different podcast. This is with a good friend of mine and a friend of Comedy Bang Bang, Cameron Esposito. And the show is called Queery with Cameron Esposito. Now, it's not Queer Eye, even though...

It's sort of spelled that way because that would be copyright infringement. And Jonathan Van Ness, who does a different show on the network, would get very upset with us. It's Queery. Queery. So here's what you do. When you listen to the show, it's like you're sitting in on an hour-long conversation between the aforementioned Cameron Esposito, one of America's great comedic talents, wonderful stand-up comedian, and she has on some of the brightest luminaries in the LGBTQ plus family line.

They are all the guests. And what query does is it explores, I guess, individual stories of identity, personality and the shifting cultural matrix around gender, sexuality, civil rights, etc.

Past guests include Lena Waithe, Alexandra Billings, Congressman Mark Takano, the L Word creator Eileen Chaikin, president and CEO of GLAAD, Sarah Kate Ellis, and more. It's a great show. It's identity. It's community. It is Queery.

Not Queer Eye. Find Queery every Monday on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, everyone. Scott Aukerman here. And I want to tell you about a couple of great shows, live shows that we have coming up. We're doing a live comedy bang bang with very, very special guests. I just solidified the lineup and I'm very excited by it.

That is at Clusterfest in San Francisco, which is, of course, Comedy Central's comedy and music festival. Clusterfest is taking place over June 21, 22, and 23. You can buy tickets for the entire festival. It has...

John Mulaney is there, Chelsea Peretti, The Roots, and so much more. And we're doing the live comedy Bang Bang on Sunday, the 23rd. So, and very excited by that. I'm also doing a live Are You Talking R.E.M. Remy podcast

at Clusterfest on the 22nd with Adam Scott. So head on over there. I want to see you out there. I want to pack these shows. We got some really cool things planned for them. That is Clusterfest June 21 through 23rd. Yeah.

Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome back. Scott Aukerman here. And we are, boy, we are close to the finish line here. This is our last segment on our incredibly long 10-hour podcast. World record, world record breaker, I would imagine. I wonder who previously held this world record. It was Joe Rogan, probably. Uh,

Um, but, uh, I am the title holder now until, uh, someone probably attempts to do this next week. But, uh, uh, I am so emotional here with so many great people dropping by and this is our last segment. So, uh, hopefully some of our friends are still around who can come by and, and wish us, uh, well, and, uh, say hello to us. And, uh, uh, who's that rapping at my chamber door? Uh,

Well, if it isn't John Lennon himself, shut that door behind you if you would. Oh my goodness. That's a heavy one. That is. Hello. Welcome. The, the mad beetle himself. May I sit down? Yeah, please. Yes, of course. You're so polite. No, I know. I always need to ask. You've never asked anytime you've ever been on this show. Oh my God. I thought I always have. I've got the, the vampire syndrome with sitting. Yeah.

You do. But you're able to enter people's houses. Right. No problem. I walk in and out of people's houses all the time. Are you doing B and E's in people's houses? No, because I'm not. I'll test the lock in the front door. Okay, so no B's. Just E's. Just E's. Easy. And with E's.

John Lennon from the most famously. Well, this podcast. Well, but also before that. Before that. Before that, I did a little acting. I was in a film about World War II. That's where I got these glasses. Right. And a film called Help, as I recall. Right. Oh, right. Okay. That was with a bunch of musicians I used to pal around with. Yes. The European rock group. The European rock group, The Beatles. Right. Yeah, we were great. Yeah.

Yes, you were. That's what people mainly would know you from, I think. From my great album. Which album? Well, the one that I love now, The Beatles' One. Oh.

Your favorite Beatles record is the Beatles one. My favorite one. And I've told people this, and I know the record companies and whoever owns the rights to it don't want me to say this. It's the only record you need. It's the only Beatles record you should pick up. Only Beatles record you need. You're right. Right. Because it has all of the Beatles number one. Right. And only Beatles songs. Right. People will come up to me, oh, do you have that Shania Twain song from way back when? No.

Oh, we don't really because we weren't recording music when she was. I don't know how to answer that question. I hate that when you're listening to a band's album and suddenly another band enters and does a few songs. You have to. You're checking around the whole sleeve of the CD or the record. This doesn't say anything about Shania Twain. How could it? How could it? How could it? I assumed I was listening to the Beatles. Well, John, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for dropping by. Thanks for having me. Sorry, I got to take a sip of water. Oh, please. Yeah. Oh.

You brought your own bottle there, I noticed. That's water? That is water. H2 and O. H2 and O in that order. Well, I guess you could mix up the order a little bit as long as there's two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. Yeah, I guess in the end it all comes out the same in the end. And in the end. Right. And that's what that song was about. Was it? That song was about drinking water and peeing it away. Okay.

The love you give is the equal to the love you get. You know, and it's, yeah. The love you give is the water you give yourself. Why did you say it that way? The love you give. Are you talking about like ingesting water? Is that what you mean? Oh, the water you give to your mouth. You said it like it was a huge, you know, euphemism. The love you give. You're just talking about drinking water. That's just my voice.

John, thank you so much for coming. How the hell have you been? I've been great. I don't know if you know this, but we're celebrating the 10th anniversary of the podcast here. I saw that the receptionist told me. Oh, you were here just on other business? Yeah, just to check it out. I wander by here every once in a while to see if you're around. Just do some Eazy-E's? That was one of my Eazy-E's at the front door. They said, hey, you're Scott's friend. I said, what? Is that how he refers to me? That's great.

I guess that's one thing you could be known for, other than being in the Beatles. Your friend? Yes. Good. So, yes, it's the 10th anniversary of the show. That's fantastic. You've been on for a good five of those, probably. Five of those years, yeah. I don't know. You'd have to go back and check it out. No, thank you. I'm not going to do it either. Somebody on Reddit should do a thread. Sure. Why not? When did this start? A whole thread. Right. How many years have you been doing it? Right. And everyone has their own opinion. Their own opinion.

A lot like they're assholes. Right. Speaking of assholes, you are not one. Thank you. And you've been a great friend to the show. Thank you very much for saying it. Yeah, 10 years. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. So 2009, this stuff. 2009, yes, of course. God, what were you doing back then? What were you doing? I started this podcast. What were you doing back then? Back in 2009, I was, oh, that was Slumdog Millionaire Time. Oh.

Oh, right. Yes. They won the Oscar, you know. Did they win the Oscar then? Yeah, that was a big one. They won best picture, I would imagine. If they won the big one, yeah. That's right. They should call it the big one. Because nobody calls movies pictures. Instead of the Oscars, they should call it the big ones. The big gold boy. The big gold boys. Win a big gold boy if you made a movie.

And give a gold one to everyone. And they should give more, too. Instead of just having one best picture, give out about 50. Right, because it's all opinion. Everyone wants one. It's all everyone's opinion. Yeah, exactly. Right. Make everyone happy in Hollywood. I'd like to win one. You should win one, too. I tried to with that movie I did. Right. I don't remember the movie you're talking about. It was the one in the World War II. Yeah, somebody put me in it. I don't remember it. It was so crazy back then, I don't remember a thing of it.

Well, yeah, 2009. I mean, that is, I believe that is 40 years after you guys broke up. Yeah, well, we broke them up. We had to stop. Yeah, and then it's also, I believe it's because you were dead for five years. Let's see. In 1980, I was shot. In 1984, I came out of the ground. 1984, you came out. So, yeah. So, we're talking 35 years after you came out of the ground. Right. I was, yeah, 2009. Right. So, what were

you doing in 2000? That was a big year for me. I was, I mentioned Slumdog because 2009, I always come, I think of that movie. Sure. Because I was involved in a lawsuit with them. You were? Well, tangentially, I was a witness to a certain crime.

I don't remember reading this in the trades. They kept it very hush-hush. This all started at the Oscar party. The Gold Boys. Thank you. The Gold Boy party. And we're all having fun. You were there. I was there because, you know. I don't know why no one takes pictures of you. I mean, I know the fact that you're alive is supposed to be a secret. I'm a nice guy, and I'm always the guy who says, I'll take it. Yeah.

That's what it is. Okay. No wonder there's no photographic evidence of it. I'll stop at a red carpet and then go, oh, get out of here. You sit down. I'll take these. So people are like, John, John, John, over here, over here. And you're like, no, no, no. Let me take it to you. Yeah, let me take it to you. You've had a long day. And I've done nothing here. So we're at the party.

you know, free foods. It was a nice, easy for me. Right. Because it's not really a door on the party. It's just kind of an open area. I'm sure there was a gentleman checking off the list. Yeah, but he saw me and said, you can come in. That's exactly how it happens. You can kindly come in. Yeah. Yeah. So I walked in and Regis Philbin. Yes, Philbin. Yeah, Regis Philbin, formerly of the Regis and Kathy Lee show. Right. And then Regis and Kelly? Yeah.

Yes. Right. Right. And, you know, he was, he did the, the, who wants to be a millionaire? Who wants to be a millionaire? Of course. So this is 2009. So who wants to be a millionaire is still on the air with him. I think so. Maybe it's tough to, well, that was part of the trial, which I can't talk about. Oh, that's the part you can't talk. I can't talk about that. I can talk about this part leading up to it. Okay. Uh,

Regis was, he was drunk as hell. Yeah. And he said, they won this Oscar. I should have something to do with it. It was my show the whole time. They didn't even cast me. They didn't even audition me. Oh, that's right. Because Slumdog Millionaire is all based on who wants to be a millionaire. Okay. Now I'm seeing the connection. And he, I said, you know, cause I'm a rabble rouser. I said, why don't you go up to Danny and say something? Danny Boyle. Danny Boyle. Okay. And he did. And it was not nice what he said. Oh, okay. Do you recall exactly? It's the type of

thing, you know, I know you like to keep a clean show. Of course, yeah, it's not that kind of a show. I can say a few words. You...

Okay. I can't say a lot of the next word, you know, a bunch of words. Right. Or the preceding word, I would imagine. Right. Right. And then, and then did he get your blank hands off me is the only words I can say. All right. Great. They fought each other. And, you know, Danny Boyle had his nose broken. Really? Yeah. Right. Regis Philman snapped the golden boy in half. He snapped it in half. Did they replace it? He's stronger than you think.

Yeah, I mean, Regis, he's strong as an ox, I would imagine. Look at him. Right. So he's stronger than that because that's what I think. Twice as ugly. All right. Whoa! No, I'm friends with him, so he's going to hear this and say, well, you're both New Yorkers. Yeah, we love it. Well, the three of us, me and him and David Letterman always get on each other. Oh, always. Yeah, I would imagine. That was most of my ideas for Letterman. Hey, why don't you go take the bowling ball out of...

No, no. I told him not to do that. Really? You're going to break that bowling ball. That's one of his most famous bits. He said he didn't care, I would imagine. Yeah, he didn't care about me. Okay. So a big fight. Big fight. At the Golden Boys. I was a witness. It became a big, you know, lower level, not lower level, under the radar. Under the radar. Sort of thing. They didn't want us getting in the press. They settled it or was there a jury trial? It was settled. All I can say is money was paid on both sides to me. On both sides to you? To make this thing go away.

Okay. I mean, it seems like Regis was at fault. Regis was at fault, but Danny Boyle broke his nose. Danny Boyle broke Regis's nose. I thought Regis broke Danny Boyle's nose. Regis did it all. He broke the nose and snapped the golden boy. Wait a minute. Why the hell was Danny not awarded money on the spot? Yeah.

Why are you getting all this money? Jesus Christ. I was getting hush money from everybody. Okay. So it was the most corrupt case that Danny Boyle didn't want anyone to know that Regis Philbin broke his nose. Right. It sounds like you don't want that word getting around. Right. So they at the trial, they were like, you know what? This is getting too hot. Right. Let's just pay John Lennon some money. And he made and I made it go away. And Regis Philbin, he doesn't want anyone knowing he's snapping rewards in half. Right.

Awards. Awards. And rewards. Both. Does he have an Oscars rewards card? If you get enough on your rewards card, you get one. Wow, what a story. What a life. What a wonderful story. What a life I live. Wow, incredible. It's crazy. But it's fantastic. It is crazy and fantastic. Crazy, fantastic. If I was still making music...

Right, which, by the way, you're supposed to bring your guitar and sing us your new songs at some point. Did you do that for the 10th anniversary? This 10th anniversary? Yes, this one. No. Okay, will you do it on the next 10th anniversary? I will on the next one for sure, but you've got to remind me because it takes some time to get the instruments and equipment together. Okay, yes. I remind you every time you're here.

The strings, you know, are at one place. You got the body. This is not a difficult situation to solve. I know. It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be, but I just need the time. So if you were making music again, what now? Crazy Fantastic would be a great album title. It would be. It would be Crazy Fantastic. What a wonderful alleyway to go down with you. What?

That wonderful just supposition of if you were still making music. If I was making music, I wonder what it'd be. This is not bad. Yeah. New Beatles song. Is it okay if we call it Beatles or should it just be solo? Sure, because I'll get the other guys. You will, okay. I'll get the old tracks from the dead ones. Speaking of which, George Harrison, has he decided to come back to life? No, I think he loves it down there. He loves it down there. When you say down there, you mean in the ground, not in hell. In the ground, no, not in hell, no. Okay, he's probably not in hell. No, he's a great guy. Yeah, he's up there with the Maharishi.

Who, that's right. Who do you think, who would be the greatest rock and roll band in heaven? Well, I mean, I think one of those fictional bands, you know, Stillwater? Was that who it was from Almost Famous? Right, right. They're probably dead. Right, that probably, if they had to make a second one, it would just be all the deaths. Right.

I don't think the studios would go for that. Everyone always talks about John Bonham on drums, Jimmy on guitar. Right. You know, who's on keyboards? Well, that would be, so Keith Moon, what does he play? He's got to jump over to keyboards. Right. Wasn't there a dude from the Dave Matthews band who's not with us anymore? The fiddle player? He's alive. The sax player. The sax player. Get him on sax. Leroy Moore. Leroy Moore. How do you know these things? I know music and I love it.

You barely know you were in the Beatles. Barely? It's not that I barely know. It just doesn't really pop to my brain as quickly. Well, John, what have you been up to lately? I haven't seen you in a few, a little while. Lately? Let's see. Well, I tried out for the Mets. For the Mets?

For the New York Mets. The New York Metropolitans? Right. My goodness. You know, that type of joke does not go over well with the Mets. Right. We have Mr. Met on the show occasionally. You did. Yes. Well, you know him. He's the mascot. The ball. His head is the big ball. His head. He had an unfortunate experiment where he wanted his...

head to be the size of a regular baseball. Oh my God. And instead it got expanded to the size of a comically large baseball. Right. And his whole body's there. Yeah. His whole body, everything. Yeah. That's terrible. So you tried out for the baseball team? I got to try out for the Mets. Wow. Yeah. I mean, you're very spry for an 80 year old. I'm good at it.

I can hit a lot better than anyone ever thought. You can't really? You're a power hitter? I'm not a power hitter, but I can aim it very well. Oh, okay. So I can, you know, shoot split gaps. Just drop it right in? Yeah, drop it in, send it away. Really? So how did the tryout go? It went great. I made the team. You made the Mets team? I did very well. Are you playing with them right now?

them right now? Well, no. I'm a Yankees fan through and through. Then why try out for the Mets? Because if somebody comes to you, sees you in the park playing baseball with your friends and says, you want to try out for the Mets? No, thanks. I wouldn't want that life experience. So you made the team. Made the team. Made a bunch of friends. Did you ever play one game?

I put well just down in spring training, some of those. And then just your conscience got the better of you saying you. My conscience, my just my team loyalty. Right. I said, did you ever see a subway series happening where you're like, oh, we're going to have to play my favorite team. I saw a series on a subway. Oh, you did. Right. I saw some rats. How'd you get a connection? Oh, I see. Yeah. Pizza rat isn't the only exciting rat down there. Oh, yeah.

Anything else going on, John? Yeah, well, I've got a new job. I've got a new job. Wow. Where's Rudy North when you need him? No, I've got, well, so this whole thing started with I was going to have a venture, a headphone venture, a new project with Dr. Dre. A new business. Oh, Dr. Dre, he already has the Beats headphones. I was going to go in on a project with him. Okay. I got to the meeting. It was a lunch meeting. Hmm.

Wrong Dr. Dre. I'm meeting with Dr. Dre from Yo! MTV Raps. Oh!

Oh, from the co-hosts. Yeah, there was a lot of confusion back there in the 80s because there were two Dr. Dre's. What happened there? I don't know. It's like the Dust Brothers, you know? I mean, there were two Dust Brothers for a while. Really? One had to change their name to the Chemical Brothers. Is that true? That is true, yeah. I did not know that. And I thought I knew everything about the Dust Brothers. Parallel thought. Oh, you thought? I thought. Let me test you. Okay. Okay.

Do you remember the song by a band of brothers that they produced? No. It's not the band of brothers theme song. Okay. If you still have World War II on the brain. Okay. I don't know much about these guys. It's Hanson. It's Hanson. Oh, Hanson the... The Mbop song. They produced that. Yes. Get out of town. I will not. I will stay right here. You may get out of town. You may go back to New York if you like. I will after this. All right. I had a meeting with Dr. Dre.

And sat down and I said, okay, you're not the guy I was thinking of. But, you know, I've known him forever. So we were sitting and chatting. Who was his co-host? Ed Lover? Ed Lover. Yeah, was he there? He was not there. I don't know if they hang out much anymore. That may have, well, when we put the show together, it was sort of... What do you mean when you put the show together? When I produced Yole on TV Raps. You did? Yeah.

I had no idea. You didn't know about that? No. Oh, my God, yes. I was working in New York at the time for MTV, and I put the show. I thought, so why did you think it was going to be the other Dr. Dre when Dr. Dre reached out to you, your colleague and coworker? This was all through, you know, representation and stuff. Lost in translation, and here I am sitting with this. Oh, yeah, MTV reps. So instead of saying, oh, hey, it's Dr. Dre, my former colleague, you said, you're not the guy I thought you were. He said, that's rude, and I said, I apologize.

But we talked about some of the old days for a little while. You probably didn't know this, then. I put together Wu-Tang Clan. You assembled the Wu-Tang Clan? Some of the guys were already there, and I introduced them to Method Man. Really? Yeah. He's one of the biggest stars. One of the best. I gave him his name, his Method Man name. How did you come up with that? He was going by Methodical Man. Oh, okay. And I said, okay.

It's good, but good is the enemy of great. The methodical MC. I'm sorry. That's what it was. The methodical MC. And I said, that's not very good. First of all, you're not an MC. You're a man. Right. And you've got a method to this madness. They all agree. They all agree. This Wu-Tang Clan is madness. It's hip-hop madness. When you brought that up, they said, yes, you're right, John Lennon. No, they ran the ship.

They ran the show. You just assembled them. Wu-Tang, I assembled just Method Man in there. Were you just at a party and you said, hey, you guys all standing together, you should rap together? And they said, we already do. We're already doing that. This is, you know, we're on a stage here. I don't think you can take credit for that. It's not a party. It's a concert, it sounds like. Well, either way, I gave Method Man his name. So what happened with his headphones meeting?

Well, that's the other thing, too. I'm sitting there with Dr. Dre. We're talking for a little while, eating our lunch. And he says, it's one of those awkward things where you're sitting there both looking at each other. Conversation dies down and you're waiting for the next person. I know the feeling. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Continue, please. You're sitting there and you say, OK, so what are we here for? And so both of us have. Well, no way.

There was no reason for the meeting. So each of you separately thought the other person was going to come in. I had a headphone idea. Oh, okay. And he said, so what's the headphones you got? I said, what are you talking about? And you thought he had the headphones. Right. I mean, how hard is it? You just make some headphones. Yeah, or you go buy good Dr. Dre headphone beats. And then you put your own name on them. Right. Or you don't. You just sell them at the fucking farmer's market. Sorry. I'm sorry. Can you bleep that? I will not bleep that. I'm so sorry. Wow.

Well, John, it's great to see you. Thank you so much. I mean, it wouldn't be, you know, a birthday unless the person who sang birthday. I don't know if you sang that or I guess it was around for it. Yeah, it was probably Paul. Yeah. I can kind of picture it coming out of my mouth. Can't you?

Thank you, Chris Tucker. All right. Well, John, it's great to see you. Thank you so much for dropping by. Well, thanks for having me. You didn't have me. I came by. You just burst in. Thanks for allowing me to come in. Well, you're Scott's friend. What else could I do? I'm Scott Free.

All right. Think about using Scott free in the next 10 years or so. Maybe, maybe go ahead and easy exit through that door. All right. But goodbye. All right. See you, John. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You got it. Okay, good. Okay. John Lennon. Boy, a show where both John Lennon and Mal McCartney appear on it and not together. Wow.

That is incredible. But that, you know, hey, maybe those two can get in a room at some point together. So we have a... Hey. Wait a minute. Who's this? You know me. I'm one of the most famous working professional musicians. Sort of know you. In the biz. I think we're close friends. I mean, you're nuts. We definitely have hung out. You haven't been on the show...

It's been a little bit. Yeah, well... More than once. This may be your second appearance? I mean, what's a lot? One is more than...

It's an infinite more than zero. I guess it's two more than negative one. It's the biggest gap between numbers you can have. I guess so. What is your name again? Randy Useless. Randy Useless. That's right. Session musician, professional musician. That's right. Yes. You were on the show recently. Yes. And, you know, first of what I assume will be many appearances. Perhaps, perhaps. First of two, definitely, because you're on right now.

Yeah, this is already going better than a lot of people told me they thought it might, that might happen. I mean, you were on one En Vogue song and you were never on another one. Well, not yet. I mean, I'm still alive as I, as I think so. As are most of En Vogue, if I'm... As I think that's true. As I hope it's true. I hope we haven't just awkwardly said something very distasteful. Yes, all of En Vogue are still with us. Sure, of course. Even the three... John Robinson. Yes. The rest. And the others, yes. Yeah.

All four and then three of them, right? One left. Sure, Don left, yes, of course. To Lucy Pearl.

You're way beyond me in the world of proper nouns. But what I am up on you on is just musical experience. That's true. Now, for those of you who don't recall, Randy was on the show recently. Yeah. And you are the person who, you're a session musician, mainly doing spoken word. So far, yes, I'm available to do anything. I'm here to serve the song. What I have mostly done is one time on the En Vogue song, Never Gonna Get It,

I said, now it's time for a breakdown. Right. By accident. We found out later that you were not a session musician there. You were not there to be a session musician. Not only. You mainly work as. I also partially work as.

You say it's a side hustle, but it's 100% of your income. Well, that's true. But spiritually, I'm not in it at all. So it's like the front side, the back side, the side sides, it's your side hustle. Spiritually speaking, it's one-eighth side. It's just from a northeast angle coming at my shoulder is the only portion of me that's emotionally invested in my actuary, social life.

You're an insurance. I'm an insurance actuary. We estimate statistics of how long people will live, I guess. I could care less. And you were there in studio with En Vogue. Presenting some life insurance policies for the team. And during their recording. During the recording session, they were like, come by. They were on a tight schedule. Sure, of course. One of the hottest pop groups ever. They were touring. They hadn't released the record that made them all that hot.

But they were already living the lifestyle in anticipation. They were like, we're going to be big. Let's start being busy all the time. Right. So let's multitask and bring this insurance guy in. And I, you know, and I told them. You spread out all the papers. Yes. And I was, I had to let them know the information and-

Unbeknownst to me, the hot mic in the control booth. Sure. Well, they were singing an actual song. They were doing a great song. Yeah. Never Gonna Get It. Right. Never Gonna Get It. Of course, yeah, the one you're on. Yes, I know. And hot mic, and then I said, now it's time for a breakdown. Because you were trying to explain this information to them. And I think...

I think on some level I also sensed musically because it's such a natural fit for me as a job. It just naturally happened to occur. Some would say it was a dumbest of coincidences. I would say it was an instinct being realized. Okay, perhaps. I've realized a lot of things in life are open to interpretation. Okay, so you said now it's time for a breakdown. They left it in. They left it in. They also said you're fired, get out of here and chased you out of it. Wow, you have a great memory for detail. I wouldn't have brought that part of it up.

But yes, that's true. I was – I mean, again, this is a matter of opinion, but I was fired as an insurance broker.

And fled from the studio. But lo and behold. Fled, by the way. You thought something was going to happen. You could have just walked out of there. Well, I get embarrassed easily. And I'm not good at emotional confrontation. So once I realized they were a little upset, I took off. Right. High speed through the streets of Oakland. Yeah. How fast are you going? Let's see. I'm not great at estimating. I'm going to say one mile an hour. Okay. That's not a high speed for walking. Oh, okay. Well, it felt good. Two? Two is about, you know. Is it a trot?

You want to get up to maybe four as a quick walk. Oh, I was running. Let's guess seven and a half miles an hour. Okay, that's not bad. How am I doing? That's a quick run. What does a bike do? A bike can get up there in the 20s. 20s or 30s? Yeah, somewhere in there. Not 30s. 20s though, right? Downhill? I don't know why we're talking about this right now. No, let's get more into it. Okay.

So Randy, I'm running top speed. You're running top speed. At least one mile an hour. I don't want to overpromise. Sure. So between one and eight, perhaps. Yeah, one and eight. Maybe nine. I don't know. I broke a sweat. We'll call it into single digits. Okay. That's fair. Okay.

And, you know, months later or, yeah, so a few months later that song came out and they left it in. And there's your, did you receive any money for this? I never asked you. No, and I don't mind. I am grateful to be, to serve the work, to serve the song. Did you sign a release as you were leaving, as you were fleeing, as you said? I didn't sign anything, but I did shout, I'll do whatever it takes for, to not be in trouble. So maybe that's a form of release. A verbal contract, perhaps. If they were still recording. Yeah, okay. I wonder why they didn't keep that in. Yeah.

Yeah, would have fit. Hey, if they want to do a remix and re-release, I'm willing to go back and, you know, we can lay down some tracks, you know. Have you, so since then, have you been, since the last time I saw you, you had not been in the studio since then. Have you been in recently? I have. Really? Yes. And I have you to thank for that. Okay. And the exposure of being on this show, which I didn't realize...

People listen to this shit. People actually do listen to this. Yeah, it's crazy. A lot of people have approached me and they were moved by my story, interested in my talents. They were soothed by my vocal cadence. And I have...

I've had books some work. Wow. Tell us about it. I've been back in the studio. Now, is this in vogue level work? Well, no, it's not quite. I'm willing to pay my dues again. Sure. So it's not quite at that level. Do you have to pay dues as an actuary? Is that what you mean? Yeah. There's a huge union for actuaries because we get pushed around. So you stopped paying those dues for a while and now you're. I quit paying those dues and all dues and I'm willing to start paying dues again. Okay, great. Yeah.

I mean, this is a whole complicated pro-union issue, but I'll pay my dues to the actuary union and to the muse of pop music success. So, yeah, I've been back in the studio, and it was, are you familiar with the artist Eminem? Yeah.

Do you know him? I stan him, yes. Do you know him? I do. You stan him, yes. Oh, you're referring to one of his songs, right? Well, yes, but I also am a big, big fan. Okay. I mean, I think the guy's great. Of course, Marshall Mathers. Yes. That's how he got his name. I don't know if you know that, but the M in Marshall. Wow.

If you take that and then you take the M in Mathers. Which one? I'm losing track. Marshall Mathers is his name. So Marshall, the first M. M, got it. And then Mathers, the second M. Wait, what were you just talking about before that? I was talking about his full name, Marshall Mathers. There's two Ms. So you have the attention span of about three seconds. Who are you? Yes, I do. But-

I was once struck in the head by a pendulum. Oh, was this Big Ben or? I wish. A little tinier? Yeah, smaller. Like a grandfather clock? Yeah, it was his grandfather clock. So you're grandfathered into this. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm grandfathered into a head condition. Okay. Literally, a grandfather clock pendulum to me into a slight head condition. I have some memory issues, a bit of a schizophrenia. Sure. Oh, schizophrenia. Yeah. Well, that's self-diagnosed. Right. Doctors tell me that I'm not important. Oh, okay. Which I'm like, that's not what I asked you. So, no, we were talking about Eminem. Eminem, yes. You have been recording with Eminem. I mean, he's a spoken word artist. I mean, yes. He's one of the best, I would say. Right, yeah. I mean, he excels at it. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I was cleaning some fixtures. Okay. I was doing work at a studio in Detroit called Electric Soup.

Okay. You probably don't know it. Don't know it, yeah. You said Electric Ladyland? Well, that's New York, of course. This is Detroit. This is Electric Soup. They're more laid back there. Okay, got it. Anyway, and I volunteered to do a little work just to get my foot in the door. I'm like, hey, I got to pay my dues. Sure. So I was doing some cleaning. You want to put yourself in that En Vogue situation again where- Just like, maybe I'll let magic happen. Sure, of course. So you're cleaning fixtures, chandeliers. I imagine it's the fanciest of studios. Chandeliers, the best of fixtures. Candelabras, any fixtures around. Light switches, lot of stuff.

Lots of fixtures. Sure. That's my specialty. I was willing to clean anything, but I was like, I'll start with the fixtures. Like the knobs on the drawers and stuff like that? Yeah, knobs on the drawers, things that are surrounding nooks and crannies. Back splashes? Sure, back splashes are great to maybe, you know, take a throw pillow, fluff it up. Yeah, fluff it. Oh, what's that word? Fluff. Oh, I say pluff.

Okay. It's a harder P. People hear you better over the phone. Do you change all F words to P words so people hear you better? I can't do the math on that really fast, but let's say I do. Really fast, you mean? Yeah, see? I knew I wasn't going to be able to make good on that. But let's say I do.

And so there I am at Electric Soup, and I'm cleaning some fixtures. And Eminem walks in. Wow. And actually, he's a pretty laid-back guy. He is. For someone of such success. And such aggressive music style. And such aggressive alpha persona in his music. When he's not recording, the guy is chill. Okay. It might not have been him. Oh, really? He was recording in this studio. And what did he look like? He was a woman. What?

This is not Marshall Mathers. Well, he was recording. They told me that he records in that studio. Okay, yeah, but it does not sound like it was him. I mean, I assume these people have sort of, you know, they got to keep their identity on the down low for the fans. Sure, perhaps he's disguising himself. Okay, who knows? And just because he's supposed to be here, even though this looks like a woman, I guess this is him is what I'm thinking. And what was he or she recording?

So he or she was recording an audio children's book. Okay. Called Be Nice to Everybody No Matter What. Okay. Yeah. That's good advice. That's a lovely – For children of all ages. That's a lovely sentiment. Sure. And I – so I just kept on – I don't think that she – he knew I was there, and I just sort of piped in now and then.

some ad libs trying to spruce up the audio book. Sure. And I don't yet know if these made it in. Okay, you haven't received a copy of it yet. No, I'm waiting for it. It hasn't been released. Right. Have you been looking for M&M releases? Yeah, M&M releasing. You may want to look under the title. Be nice to everyone no matter what. No. I'm an artist search only kind of guy. Titles, there's too many. Artists, that narrows it down. Sure, yeah. You probably don't know a lot about database indexes. This is almost as interesting as the land speed of runners. But

But if you have to search a database column, the fewer rows you're searching, the faster the search. So what kind of things? Fewer artists than song titles is what I'm saying. What kind of things were you saying? I was saying now it's time for a breakdown. Now it's time for a breakdown. Now it's time for a breakdown. Just some ad libs. Whatever came to my mind. Just like whatever is in the moment, whatever felt right or true. Scott, you're an artist. You can relate to this. You don't – art is a lot of time – it's about truth.

You can't come in with an – you can't force things. And sometimes that truth is I want to say my famous catchphrase. Yeah. I want to strike gold again. I'm a desperate man and I'll do anything. And that's true. And that's true. And I was like, this is going to read. Right. So I don't know yet if it made it in. But I was in the studio again with Eminem and I had this show to thank. Well, good luck to Eminem. Because when I got the janitor job, I name dropped you pretty heavily. Yeah.

And that worked. It worked like a charm. Yeah. Well, that's incredible. Randy Useless. Yeah, so I really appreciate it. Yeah. I really support you and your music career. Wow, that's so nice of you. I would like nothing less than for you to get out of the insurance game and just... I mean, I'm out as far as I'm concerned. Have you told your bosses this? No, no, no. I'm on break right now.

Sabbatical or literally a coffee break? Long lunch, yeah. This is, by the way, in another part of the country. It's in Connecticut. I work in Hartford, Connecticut, and this is Los Angeles. Long, long coffee break. Yep. Well, they trust me. Does anyone notice when you're gone? Unfortunately, no. But I don't take that personally. I say that's a sign of respect. Do you take it professionally? Because they should notice it that way as well. I'll consider it. Hmm.

Well, Randy. Scott. Incredible stuff. Oh, thank you. I really appreciate it. The sky's the limit. You're one of our newest favorites. So the fact that you decided to drop by. I thought for the 10th anniversary there should be someone who's really made a legacy at this show. You know, like one of the really important characters who's logged, what, 40, 45 minutes of time on the show? Maybe at a huge outside estimate. But P.

But people like you. I mean, I'm recent, so they got to remember. Right. That's true. Bringing some schmuck from episode 50. You know what I'm saying? Like, come on. Like some of our previous guests. Yeah. Whoops. Randy, I hope when you come back, I hope that some of your work will be officially released. Hey, me too. And I'll have you to thank for it. Well.

And all the fans of the show, thank you so much for putting my name out there. Okay, well, we're not at the end of the show, so I'll usually thank people then. And let's just wrap it up. We have to thank our engineers. Okay, they're playing you off. All right, thank you, Randy. Bye. Andy's gone.

Oh, boy, Randy Useless, the very definition of a recent favorite. I think he was on merely three or four weeks ago. So and great to see him. He what a wonderful addition to the comedy bang bang cast of characters. When I say cast and characters, that is no indictment of the people who drop by who are very, very real and mean a lot to me. And I think...

Oh, my God. Hey, Scott. Is this who I think it is? Yeah, it's me, your old pal, Captain Mustache. Oh, my God, Captain Mustache. As Boston comedian, Captain Mustache, as I recall, you were on the show very early, I think episode 32 in our first year, and then we didn't see you until episode 498, as I recall. So you're one of our oldest...

And yet not closest friends to the show. I was hearing, I'm sorry, I'm running out of breath. What was that? I said I'm running out of breath. You are so out of breath. Yeah. What happened? I caught my arm against the wall. You caught your arm against the wall? No, I'm describing how I'm standing now.

I cut my arm against the wall, and I'm breathing heavy. Oh, that's for sure. Okay, yeah. I see everything that you're describing right now. Yeah, but the listeners can't see the squat. You're right. So thank you for describing the fact that your arm is against the wall. That's a vital piece of information. My other arm's holding onto my hip. Yeah. And your legs? You haven't described what they're doing. They're both kind of buckling a little. They're shaking. Yeah.

They are shaking. Why did you rush over here? Well, I was afraid that I was going to get late. Well, this is a 10-hour show. I mean, it's... Oh, yeah, that's right. It's a 10-hour one. Yeah, you could have come here hours from now. Yeah. Well, I got to say, every time I listen, it feels like a 10-hour show. Hey, Captain Mustache.

I know you're out of breath, but is that really the place for... Well, I love joking around with your dad's for sure, Scott. You do. You are one of Boston's greatest comedians. I mean, most legendary comedians. I can't say it myself. I'll say it for you. I mean, so Captain Mustache. Well, I've influenced a lot of people, and I think you can kind of hear my stylings in a lot of the great young kids today, such as Jay Leno. Yeah.

You know, I think Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld. So now, Captain Mustache, for those of you who haven't heard the two episodes...

episodes uh that uh apparently bookended uh approximately eight years or so yeah uh captain mustache is an older gentleman who considers jay leno and seinfeld both in their 70s as i recall to be young i have a couple kids well we started i started out before them captain mustache you're a comedian yes and uh but you're out there doing the boston clubs yeah i'm doing well not

Not really. No? Where are you performing these days? I've been in a hibernation. I tend to hibernate for about seven to eight years. Do you mean metaphorically? Is that why we didn't see you on the show between episode 30? That was part of it, because I was hibernating, as I call it, hibernating, which also means taking really long naps.

I get just generally sleepy. So you're are you literally hibernating like a bear or where you're asleep for months? I usually just put on sweatpants, you know, put, you know, go around the apartment, you know, you know, look at the plant, give it some water if it's too dry and, you know, generally putz around.

Just puttering around the house is what you're describing. Puttering, that's the word I'm looking for. Thank you, Scott. Puttering around the house. And, you know, looking for material. Oh, have you ever looked at that plant and gotten some material out of it? Yeah, it was a ficus tree. And one day, this isn't finished.

This is something I've been working on for about eight years. So we'll lower our expectations. Yeah, lower your expectations. You know the business. So here's the joke, or the area of the joke. Okay. The other day, I go to move my fake history.

See, you're already laughing. No, I think I'm sniffling. That was a laugh. No, I think I'm sniffling the allergy. That counts as a laugh. Well, yeah, if you really want to count my allergies. So there I am, moving around, doing my thing, and I decided I needed to move my ficus tree. Now we're going back to the beginning of the joke where you decided to move your ficus tree. Okay, great. Yeah, I kind of did more of this voice. So you consider, if you do it in a different voice, that it's not repeating. It's a rewrite. Got it. So there I am.

walking around, moving the ficus tree. And then the next day, the ficus, I move it from one inch to another inch over. You know, you know, do you ever do that? What's that now? It's part of the crowd work. Part of the joke. Oh, sorry. Do you ever do that? Do you need me to say, yeah, we do. Yeah. Occasionally we move our plants. Well, anyway, so it's,

This is a good joke now that I'm listening to it out loud because I've never really told it before. You think that what we've heard out loud is the good part so far? I mean, I'm intrigued because nobody knows where it's going to go. And this is the part, if I were to give a comedy class, this is the part where you just sit there for a long time.

Pre-punchline. Yeah. You're just living in a world of possibilities at this point. What's going to happen? Right. Right? Everybody wants to know what's going to happen, Max. Well, big finish. Right. So the next day, I look over in the fakie street. All of its leaves fall off on the ground, and it doesn't have any leaves no more, and it pretty much dies. Did you say maw? Oh, it doesn't have leaves anymore. Oh, sorry. I thought you were calling me maw.

Why would I call you Mark? That's why I was very confused. All right. Okay. It doesn't have leaves. So, yeah. You're as confused as I was. This is why you don't let the audience talk to you. Am I? Is this considered heckling? I mean, I thought we were doing an interview. Yeah. Sorry. I'll back off. Thank you. Finish the joke. Oh, thank you. Hold on. My mouth is dry. If you can keep a joke going.

This is what the greats always say. If you can keep a joke going, the same joke going for like a half hour. Then you can write less jokes. You don't have to write as much. How often do you take sips of water during one joke? Oh, I'll bring a gallon or two on stage and a little martini glass. And then I'll bring a martini glass filled with martinis. And then I'll just take turns.

Take what now? I take turns going back and forth. Take turns going back and forth. Little bit of water. One for you, one for me. The Scorsese. There's the plant. The Scorsese. He would do one movie for the studio, one for him. One for them, one for me. What is the passion of the Christ for that? Was that his? I think that was for him. Was he forced to make this one? I think that his general thing is I'll make a color of money and then I'll make a kundun.

Oh. One for them, one for me. Call of Monies for them? It was a big hit. A lot of money. Tom Cruise in it. Sure. That's for them. Paul Newman. Don't forget him. He's still a star. Well, he's passed away at this point. He has. I think you were hibernating while he passed away. Perhaps I was. So anyway, there I am. I think the audience is hibernating currently waiting for you to get to the punchline of the joke. The audience right now is white knuckling their...

Radios. They're D-box seats. Yeah. Does this come with D-box seats? I would be interested if anyone were to listen to this podcast while sitting in D-box seats, whether it would rumble. Yeah. You know what's good? Those seats that square you with water. I've heard that. Yeah. You ever been to a movie where there's a lot of sneezing in it? Is this part of the joke? I don't know. Is this exploratory? Maybe I'm just, maybe I'm feeling jazzy today.

figuring it out when I get there. That's what What's-His-Face used to do, that one guy. Bob Fosse? Yeah, yeah, Bob Fosse. That guy smoked a lot of cigarettes. Yeah, I've noticed that you haven't been smoking since you walked in here. No, that's part of why I was out of breath, because I was finishing up. Because you haven't been smoking. Because I haven't been smoking in here. No, because I couldn't find the door. I was walking around, I went to the wrong door. I went in and I saw... Here's what happened. Before this, I sat down...

In another place, I started talking to a guy who I thought was you. And we were getting into it for a while. And then I said, aren't you going to press record? And he said, what do you mean, aren't you going to press record? And I said, what do you mean? What do I mean? What do you mean?

And then I figured it out. I said, your name's not Steve, is it? And he said, what? It is Steve. I go, it is? I think the guy's name is Scott. And then that, it just was great. He really had to be. Who did this turn out to be? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Here's the problem. I can't tell the difference between what happened and what didn't.

That's, I believe, I mean, you're so much older than Jerry Seinfeld, you may be experiencing, I hate to say this, but dementia of some sorts. Oh, well, if this is dementia, it's not bad. That's true. I mean, that's a good tagline. From my point of view. That's a good tagline of the show. If this is dementia. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. I just don't make a lot of plans, disappoint people. So there I am. No leaves, dead tree, one day later, all I did was move it one inch.

And my question is, do you think that tree's overreacting? Well, Captain Mustache, you're one of our greatest friends. It's so great to be back. It's so good to see. I don't think this episode would have been complete without you dropping by. I think you're right. I hope to see you at the end of another 10 years. I look.

That's the soonest I want to see you, Captain Mustache, is 10 years from today. Well, in 10 years, let's make a deal. Okay. I'm going to have a rewrite of that Ficus Street joke. Okay. I'm looking forward to that. Okay. It's great to be here. Captain Mustache, thank you for dropping by. Oh, thank you so much. Goodbye, everyone. I love you all. Goodbye. We love you too, Captain Mustache. I think. I don't know. I barely know the guy.

but one of our earliest guests and incredible to see him. And people have been dropping by through this door. So wait a minute.

Is that the phone here in the studio? Who left the phone on in the studio? Okay, maybe we're getting a call. Let's pick it up here. Hello? Chakta. Oh, my God. Is this who I think it is? The only person who calls me Chakta? I think it's Marissa Wampler, my old intern.

Get your dog out because it's time to celebrate your 10th anniversary. What are you, 85 years old? What are you? You must be around 85 as well. You've been on the entire 10 years as a teenage girl. Who knows? Who knows? Where are you? Why are you calling me? Why aren't you here?

Listen, listen, I had a lot going on. I am right now in the midst of renovating the condo and it's a real money pit situation. So I can't leave the house because there are no doors or windows. Oh, it sounds like a haunted mansion. Yes, that's right. So in order to protect the few things I still own. There's always my way out.

What? Nothing. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Look, hey, where's Lissler? Can you put her on? You haven't heard? What do you mean? Haven't heard what? We're on a break. You were on a break like Ross and Rachel? What do you mean? Lissler and I are on a break. No, no, no. I want Lissler on the show.

No, she doesn't. Hey, I've done enough. Let me remind you, it started with me. I know, I know. I had you on first, and then Lissler came on after that. But still, I mean, that's first year stuff. People don't remember that. People just remember you as Wampler and Lissler, the Womp It Up co-hosts. Look, I have her number. I'm going to patch her in. Yeah. No, what do you mean you have her number? I have her number, yeah. Engineer Sam, let's patch her in. There's the number. All right, here we go. We're dialing.

I don't have her number! She's been off the grid! I'm not ready to talk to her. Hello? Hi, Lissler! It's me, Scott Aukerman. Lissler. How do you get this number? I... Look, I have to confess, the last time you were in here, I cloned your phone.

What? I do it with all of my guests. I'm sorry. I like to see if they have any funny pictures or anything like that. So I got your number from that. But hey, Wampler's on the party line here. Wampler, say hi to Lissler. Oh, hey, Lissler. How's it going? It's actually going very well. Thank you. How are you? Where are you?

I can't tell you that. I haven't gotten any calls. I haven't gotten any texts. You haven't dropped any chicken bones off at my doorstep. What the fuck, man? Well, that's because I'm in an undisclosed location, okay? And I don't want to give you any clues. You have to survive on your own for a little while. See what that feels like.

Yeah, we'll see what it feels like to be in the undisclosed location of my butthole. Oh, shit. That doesn't make any sense. You know what? You know what? Because you know what I needed? What? A whole lot of...

Self-care. It's going to take a lot of love. Yeah, yeah. What are you like in a coming to America type of situation where a bunch of people are sudsing you up? I don't know if that's really an accurate metaphor. I think you should probably stay away from that. That's what stuck with you from that film? When he got lost?

Isn't it fun to laugh at me again? Well, guess what? I'm not your little bitch boy, okay? I wouldn't have called you if Choctaw hadn't... What did you call yourself? A big boy? I like that.

Look, I really wanted to broker a piece between you. Yeah, I heard your last episode of the Womp It Up podcast where you guys had a fight, but I thought that I could be like, you know, Frank Sinatra on the Jerry Lewis telethon bringing Dean Martin out, you know, and making you guys hug, you know? I mean, that's what a 10th anniversary is for. Oh, for real?

Oh, really? Or is this just for you to get ratings, all right, to stay relevant? Don't use us like Andy Cohen does. A little bit like Ryan's roses. And I don't care for that. Where they cold call a boyfriend and ask who he'd like to send roses to, and it's usually not his wife. Exactly.

If you think me airing a very distant sounding telephone call is to get ratings, I think you have another thing coming. I just I wanted you both on the show. You were such a big part of it from the beginning. Then you spun off into your own show and I get it. You don't have a lot of time to come back, but I want to talk to you both. Well, I can't come back because I'm physically not able to come back. I don't know what hurts you. Yeah.

Why? Why are you physically unable? Have you lost the use of your legs? What's going on? Are you too far away? I'm several weeks journey from the studio. Okay? Several weeks by sea, by plane?

A lot of self-care going on over here. You know, Ackerman, when people show you who they are, you need to listen. Listen the first time. Don't quote Ayala Van Zandt to me, bitch. That's Maya Angelou.

See, this is why we need to be on a break, Choctaw. Hey, hey, can I come work for you? Please, you're supposed to be working for me. You're my original intern that never showed up. We've had another one since then. Are you still dating her? No, you're the... Tony Bologna? No, it's, you know, it's of course Gino, Gino Lombardo. Gino, fuck that guy. You know what?

You know what? Where my life took a turn, Chakta, is when I stopped coming into the studio and working for you. And I started working for Lissler, you know, at the start of the program. You stopped working for me the second week. You came the first week, then you were gone for several weeks. You've never been the most reliable employee.

Listen, sliding door scenario, okay? And I'm not going to be Gwyneth Paltrow for a haircut. I'm going to reverse this situation. I'm going to start from the beginning. I'm going to start coming in. I'm going to be doing my hours. I'm going to train the kids every so often. And then we'll build this from the ground up. I don't need you, Lissler. Do you hear me? I don't need you. I need you so much.

Oh, God. Oh, boy. This is really pitiful. Is this what you wanted? This is pathetic. Is this what you wanted, Akuma? I don't know that I wanted to hear Wampler crawl like a worm.

Well, I'm so glad you could humiliate me. Choctaw's 10th anniversary, this isn't about you, Lissler. This is about him and him trying to claim to stay relevant. That's what it's about. Listen, Choctaw, I'm going to take you to get some highlights. I know you're feeling your age. It's time to just get a new look, and I'm willing to make you over, all right? You don't have to ask. I'll be there. I'll pick you up.

I don't know, Wampler. You know, I don't know that you're a trusted resource for, you know, personal hygiene necessarily. Listen, Choctaw, I'm going to pick you up. We're going to get some frost your tips. I have plenty of frost on my tip. I really don't need you. Which tip? It's not going to happen. That's disgusting.

Look, I'm not just... You guys are just... Look, guys, I appreciate... First of all, Wampler, I appreciate you calling in. And Listler, I appreciate you answering the phone. But we have to go... Anytime you call. I didn't know you had this number, but anytime you call, I will answer because I do owe you my life. And that's a couple different ways. Okay, I had no idea that you owed me your life. That's new to the canon. Yeah. But...

But guys, thank you so much for being part of the 10th anniversary. You've been there since the beginning. It means so much to me. Thanks a lot for bringing this emotional ruin to my doorstep. I really appreciate it.

And listen, you get that guest drink cleaned out because I'm coming. And if you feel a warm hand on your soft underbelly, that'll be me crawling into bed next to you. Oh, God, please don't. Let it happen. Let my soft underbelly alone, please. All right, guys. Thank you so much.

Thank you. All right. Bye, Chalk Talk. Congrats. Why don't we steal away? Steal away. Why don't we steal away? All right. Bye, Lissler. Wow. It's so special to hear from those guys. I mean, they...

Some of our earliest guests and they've created their own show from it that is that's been going on. Of course, I haven't approved it, but they did it on their own and they didn't ask me whether they could or not. But, you know, hey, God bless them. I hope those two patch it up, though, and I'm sure they will in a few months time.

Well, guys, that is just about going to do it for us. We are getting close to the 10 hour mark here. And there really is only one final feature that we have left on this show. It's something we do every single week. And it's one of the fans. They love this. They skip to it. They skip to it. Yeah.

I'm sure that it's daunting to skip through an entire 10-hour podcast, but I know some of you did. It's time for our best final feature here on the show. It's time for a little something called Plugs. I don't mean to be rude or sound like a humbug.

But I waited the whole episode to hear some plugs. I don't use curse words or take illicit drugs. My only true vice in life is the plugs. That's a good song. That is a good song. That song's okay. That's a great song. I didn't like that song. Is that even a song? That's a good song. Not a very good song. The only good songs are hymns.

What is... Oh! Hi, how you doing, Scott? Oh, my God, it's Jesse Ventura straight from the plug bag. Yep, I've got it held open with my strong arms.

You've been in there. Don't let it collapse upon yourself. Well, it is kind of like a sphincter muscle. Your strong arms are or the plug bag? Well, I'm holding it open like a real, like Big John, if you remember the song from the 60s. Jesse, you've been trapped inside the plug bag. Every once in a while, we'll open up the plug bag and we'll hear your voice coming out of it. It's not so bad. You say trapped.

Some of us learn to come to terms with the situation we've been given. So you've been enjoying it inside the plug bag? I alluded to that previously, yes. And here I am. Look, I want you to know it's not so bad. What is it like? Is it like a dark nothingness? You make it think like it's an exotic other. And it is. It's a bit like when Wacko, Porky goes to Wacko land.

I don't know what either of those things are. Porky? Well, it's a classic Warner Brothers. I thought you were saying Porgy, like Porgy and Bess. Well, there is, look. The little known sequel to Porgy and Bess, Porgy Goes to Wacko Land. I have season tickets to the St. Paul Light Opera. I'm sure you do. I'm afraid you've been missing it for the past few years because you've been trapped in the plug bag. Again, you say trapped. Let me introduce you to an idea of kayfabe.

Kayfabe. Kayfabe, yeah. Okay, what is this? It's a wrestling terminology. I've heard of this. We uphold the reality. Now, I'm out of the ring now. I can tell you the truth. But when I'm in the plug bag, I'm acting like it's...

People look down on wrestlers like we're just thugs or people that would have been hunched over a bar dying at the age of 45. Circus people. And let me tell you, we're trained actors. Right, yes. I mean, primarily you're acting when you're wrestling. There's not a lot of physical punching or there's a lot of light touching.

You call it light touching. Let me tell you, it's full contact acting. What's so hard for you to wrap your mind around? I guess you and a porn star are very similar in the sense of it's full contact acting. Well, you could say that. You could say that. And I do wear condoms when I'm in the ring. You do? Yep. I wear condoms in the ring. In fact, I have a full girdle condom that goes around the...

The edge of the little Speedo thing. The little Speedo singlet. Is that to protect yourself or to make sure there's no drippage coming out? Well, you never know. You've got to practice safe grappling. Because you might just wind up inside the other wrestler at some point. It has happened. It hasn't. Somebody grabs and you get a little doink like the little girl on the suntan lotion. I mean, I don't know.

You get a little of your, uh-oh, the cheeks fell out. Wasn't that Jodie Foster or someone like that? It might have been, or is that the Morton Salt girl? I'm not really sure which one it is. Look, Scott, I have this plug bag sphincter held open. I'm getting a little tired here. Can I welcome you into the plug bag? Oh, no, I don't want to go into the plug bag. Why don't you come out of the plug bag? Because I wanted to show you around.

Oh, look, I'm willing to go inside the plug bag. Look, can we prop it open and you'll just sit on the lip of it with me? Sure. Like on my front porch? Sure, yeah. I invited you in. It's a little rude. I'm being Minnesota nice for you. Okay, sure. I'll just pop my head in just a little bit if I could. Pop your head in. Okay. And it'll be dropping on you. Okay.

Oh! I'm just kidding, just kidding. Oh, so cold. See, it's real. It's real. Oh, my God. Just sit down here. How long was I in there? You were in the plug bag for Inhumid. Look, in your world...

Just for half a second, but in the plug bag, you experienced 24,000 years of promotional existence. Has, has Coolop left me by now? Well, not in this world, but in that world, not only did Coolop leave, but you went through several cycles of evolution. Oh my God. You, now you've seen what I've seen. Here, sit down. Let me get a, let me get a big two by four and prop this thing open. Okay.

That should hold until... Thank God people were plugging two-by-fours. Yep, heck saw Jim Duggan was here earlier.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, I think I'm feeling a little bit better. You're feeling better. Here, can I get you an iced tea or a... Yeah, some lemonade or something like that. Maybe a plug from the end of an old car set or something. Okay. Here, let me get you a glass of... Here, Louis Anderson's going to be at the Harris Casino in Las Vegas. Oh, that tastes good. Refreshing, yeah. We subsist on ancient plugs inside the plug bag. We live off the land like William Tecumseh Sherman.

Oh, Jesse. I spend time at my little ranch down in the plug bag, swimming and surfing. Look, I still sneak out at night. Sneak out of the plug bag? I sneak out. Full, yep, full nighttime Navy SEAL underwater demolition team. Oh, of course, yeah. You're the most adept at that. Yep. Were you involved? Dark green camouflage, and then I swim over to the studio to do my RT show. What was your question? Were you involved in the Osama bin Laden raid?

Nope. That was SEAL Team 6. Right. Which SEAL Team are you in? That was SEAL Team 6. I'm in SEAL Team 4.2. Oh, that's too bad. So you just missed it. No, I didn't miss it. There's lots of iterations. That was a SEAL Team that was way back in the 70s. Right, yeah. That was analog. Was that one of the SEAL Teams you wished you had been a part of? Well, let me tell you, I was involved in...

I was involved in the operation to get the hostages out of Iran. You were? Oh, my gosh. Back in the 1980 or 81? Let's say that. That tracks. I was involved. I'm sorry, 79. Yes. I was there, arms for hostages. I was hovering in a helicopter over Tehran, hurling arms down on them, saying, give us the hostages.

This is like something out of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. It's something out of a Jesse Ventura movie. Get it right. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Which ones were you in? I don't have a problem with... I don't have a problem. I'm not jealous of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I mean, he was just on a rocket ship to fame after those movies. Well, we're blood brothers from Predator. Right. What'd you think of that? Did you see the recent Predator movie? Well, they've diverged from the canon. Right. And that's something I had to let go of in the plug back. The idea of a canon. Because a lot of people were plugging Predator about September of last year or so. Olivia Munn had some issues with the press schedule. You almost know it better than I do.

I was a little bit miffed that they didn't bring me along as an elder statesman for the junket. Right. Just to hover behind everyone and camouflage. They think you could just camouflage to foliage. You could camouflage to anything, Scott. I know how to put half a movie poster down the side of my face and look like I'm in the back of an e-package. Yeah.

Look, Jesse, if you want to go back in the plug bag, I'm about to start plugs, but you can go back in. You can escape. You can do whatever you like. Well, what would escape be? I know how to get out. I could get out through this way. There's other universes. I could show you Andromeda if you want. This is, you know, Graham Hancock.

No, I don't. Graham Hancock asked Kulop. Okay. Kulop introduced me to Graham Hancock. Oh, okay. All right. Graham Hancock is the- Two Minnesotans. Sure. Kulop and you. If you listen to Joe Rogan, that's basically all he talks about. Oh, okay. Great. Graham Hancock, he talks about the possibility of advanced civilizations. Look, I've seen it. In the plug bag. Wormholes. They would blow your mind. Wow. You know Stargate? The movie starring Jay Davidson and his penis? Or the TV show.

Starring a bunch of lesser people. Right. It's nothing like that. Why didn't Jay Davidson show his penis in Stargate? He did it so well in The Crying Game.

Well, when you're in an interdimensional gate, there's a pixelation. It's like similar to shrinkage. But sometimes parts of you that are clothed get confused by the little microbeings that are trying to figure out how to reconfigure you. It's a lag. It's a lag time before they fit all the pieces together. Okay.

So it's almost like a little game of Tetris where your penis rematerializes in one universe or the other. You know, sex is the original Tetris when you think about it. I think so. You got to figure out which blocks twist around into which blocks. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Look, Jesse, do you want to go back in? Do you want to stay? I have to do the plugs. I'm fine like this. You're fine like this? Like two friends sitting on a front porch. Well, I have to get to the plugs, though. Do you?

Look, let me hold, let me just, I'm not going to open it all the way. Let me just peek this up a little for you. Okay, I don't want to go back in there. Don't look, just look in it. I can't, it felt like staring into the face of God. Look at all those beautiful plugs. I don't think human eyes were meant to see that. They weren't meant to see it, but there they are looking at it. My God, it's all made of plugs. That's an Arthur C. Clarke level of wisdom that I've got from the end of 2001 Space Odyssey. Oh my gosh.

Oh, too many plugs. Radio shows, podcasts, TV shows that people thought they were going to be on. Everyone has a podcast now. There's thousands of podcasts spawning other podcasts. When we first started this show, we were the only podcast. You were the only podcast. And then cereal came around and ruined it. Look at your children in these other universes that you've created. You're not only a god, you're a galaxy. You're a creature that spawns gods.

Well, that's a wonderful way to look at it, Jesse. Thank you so much. There's many planets being birthed and taken back from this. They're being birthed from stars, being consumed by stars. They come from you. They come from me. We are not only the future. We are this one present eternal moment. Wow. I never thought of it that way. Speaking of podcasts. Yes.

There's a new one that I'm pretty interested in. Okay. It's funny that you should mention it. Great. Let's hear about it. Well, it's called The Underculture. It's going to be on Forever Dog. Forever Dog? Yep. That's one of the little spinoff galaxies out there. And what is this podcast? Well, all I know is that I'm going to be on it. Wow. Okay. It's somebody who's in some ways a nemesis of mine. His name is James Adamayne.

He's doing a podcast. It's called under culture. It's going to be on forever doc. He asked me to be a part of it. We've never met in person. I've look, I've showed up in camouflage at some of his standup shows. It's pretty good. Pretty good until about two thirds of the way in. And then I got to find a bathroom or he gets too dirty. One of the other.

Okay, well, so... Either I get too dirty down there or he gets too dirty up there. You know what I mean? So that is... I don't mind the gay stuff. I want to be clear about that. I don't mind the gay stuff. You don't mind it. But when it's graphic, when it's graphic, it's talking about topping and bottoming. Right. James is not afraid of that kind of material. He's not afraid of that kind of thing. And look, I would congratulate him, but I'm never there at the end of the show. Yeah.

Well, that counts as your plug. Is that okay? Well, look, I don't plug for myself anymore. I've got 12,000 more if you want to hear them right now. I don't know that we have time. A lot of them have to do with James Adomian. Okay. He's on Cartoon President on Showtime. Okay, great. Fantastic. You're doing a lot of voices. He's on the upcoming season of Talking Tom on YouTube for children. Okay. Look, he's going to be at San Diego Comic Con. What?

Doing what? Trump versus Bernie. Coming back. Is there a tour coming? Who knows, but I know he'll be there. Look, he's on Human Discoveries, debuting on YouTube. Okay. I mean, Facebook. Sorry, I got that one wrong. Look, we don't have a lot of time for these plugs. BoJack Horseman. Okay, sure. Look, he's on an episode of Looney Tunes someday, coming out someday. I don't know how soon. Okay, look, Jesse. Too many plugs. Too many plugs.

Well, I want to plug, you know, keep listening to Comedy Bang Bang. Did you hear that? That's all your children. That's all the stars, all the life forms being construed and reconstituted into greater and lesser life forms. It's a sound that's horrific to humans. It's not only a whole planet's giant, but

Kardashev-level civilizations being ripped apart by giant Orson Welles Unicron robots and being reconstituted as little podcasts. But they're all grateful to you, Scott. Oh my gosh, wow. How long have you been doing this damn thing? Ten years! Ten years on your planet! On my planet, yes. He says he's been doing it ten years! Woooah!

They say it's an unfathomable card deck where each 52 cards is a thousand billion years of different infinite possibilities.

Well, keep listening. Thanks for dealing the deck dealer. And next week we have our 600th episode. So that's exciting. Now that's a little too much. What do they have to say about that? They don't like it. They're not mixed results. It's mixed results. Some of them say you should take a break. I hate it. Some of them say, look, they're super fans. Don't keep listening. Anything you do spawn something.

Everything you do in this life echoes in eternity. Look, I remember it fondly. I remember being on the podcast fondly, but there's a lot to keep you occupied inside the plug bag. Like what? What is inside? Like who? Old friends in the plug bag? Well, look, there's the Enigma Force 5. Half of them are in here. Half of the Enigma Force 5? Is it who? Look, that's a lot of people. Yeah, who else is... I'm trying to remember. Hi, everybody! It's me! Oh, my God! It's you all!

It's Huell Hauser riding on the rings of a Saturn-like planet. Huell, how have you been? Look at this! This is an amazing part of California's planetary disk. Huell, how have you been? Amazing! Look at this! I can only imagine. Each ring is made of ice dust. How do they make all this ice? Huell, we miss you. It's cold out here. Well, there he goes.

All right, bye, you all. Wow! This is truly an amazing poke! Oh, no, what happened? Oh, there he goes. He got eaten by a plug whale. Oh, no. There are predators in the plug bag. Speaking of predators... Good segue.

Jesse, I have to close up the plug bag. It sounds like wrap-up tones. Anytime my voice drops to this level, it's wrap-up tones. Very familiar with it. Look, you think I just drop into this podcast in this universe. I've got a wormhole out the other end of this bag. I'm popping into Mark Barrett. Okay, well, have fun. I

I never do. That's what I hear. Okay, we do have to close up the plug bag. I mean, are you going to go back in? You can close it at any time. You know I'll be here. And you know what? If you want to have fun, close it up. But I'll wait right here on the other side of the membrane. And I'll mash my hand into it so you can see the imprint.

And like Spock. Sure, like Spock or like Billy at the jail. Like anything, yep. Any iteration of the trope where someone on one side of a wall does the hand up to the other side of the wall. Sure. I've got you. But it's going to happen through another dimension. Another dimension? Another dimension. Another dimension. Have you ever had, have you ever, well, the plug bag is a parallel dimension. Sure. Have you ever had one of those little...

Little boxes that has nails in it and you put your hand on it and then turn it over and it's got the imprint of your hand. Oh, sure. Yeah. It's artwork until a different fifth grader comes along and swipes it. Sure. It'll look a little bit like that. Okay. Well, I guess, are you ready, Jesse? I'm ready whenever you are. Here we go. Let's close up the old plug bag. Don't let any air in. Close it up your harbor.

Open up the bag. Open up the bag. Close your heart. Open up the bag. Close up your heart. Open up the bag. Close, open, close, open, close, open. The bag. Bye, Jesse. I sort of like that new closing up the plug bags theme. I don't know what we do with the old one. That one hasn't expired yet. Now we have two that we use? Do we alternate them? Do we...

Put them back to back? I don't, I'm not quite sure what to do with this. Well, we'll find out next week. I mean, we have a permanent catchphrase at this point.

So maybe it's okay that our closing up the plug bag theme is impermanent. Who knows? I'm not sure what we'll do until next week. But we'll see you next week for the – this is very special. Not only are we doing the 10th anniversary episode this week, the special world-breaking 10-hour podcast, but it's episode 599.

This week. So we are going to close up this hundo next week with episode 600.

So that's going to be a very special episode. So I hope you'll return for that. And by the way, I do want to plug the – and speaking of plugs, the person or band that wrote the plugs theme, the opening up the plug bag theme, that was I Love Plugs, parentheses, No Humbugs, end parentheses, plug.

by Big Cat Music Squad. Thanks to Big Cat Music Squad for their plug theme submission. If you have a plug theme, head on over to the Earwolf message boards, put it in the appropriate thread, and you can be famous for a week. And I tell you, Big Cat Music Squad, you're famous for one of the...

Most incredible weeks, the 10 hour podcast world breaking week. Yeah, I share this world record with you, Big Cat Music Squad. Although I don't mean physically or really, I don't even really mean it.

And we're coming to the end of the show here. And I have to say thanks to a few people. First of all, I want to thank all of our guests today who came by. The response is just overwhelming. I can't believe so many people came by to say hello and to be part of this. It really means a lot to me. And thanks to all of our guests over the previous 10 years. It's such a – especially 10 years ago, it's such a –

an odd request to receive, hey, do you want to be on a podcast? I mean, I shudder to hear those words now, let alone 10 years ago. It was not a very common thing to request to people. And so I thank anyone who came by all of the studios we've had over the past 10 years, the radio station and the place right next to the dispensary where you could hear

people rooting through the garbage cans right outside, um, to this beautiful studio we're in now. It means a lot to, to me that, uh, all of these comedy luminaries came by and, and agreed to be on the show. So thank you to them. Uh, I want to thank all of our engineers over the years, uh, who have, who have recorded this show and, and made it happen from Joe Escalante, engineer Joe, who, uh, gave me my first big break to, to start this show. Uh,

to engineer Doug, to Cody, uh, everyone who's worked here, uh, to those who work tirelessly on this episode, uh, you have, uh, uh, of course, uh, engineer Ryan and, uh, the, the newer engineers, Jordan and Devin, uh, and Sam, uh,

has worked on this and of course Engineer Brett who runs the engineers here and he really wanted to be a part of this so thanks to him for recording. Devin did the lion's share of the work as far as I'm concerned. As far as I'm concerned, merely that's just because you're to my left right now and I...

uh, want to make you feel good. I'm a people pleaser, as you can tell from 10 years of this show. I want to thank chef Kevin, who has been organizing the show and coordinating and taking the pictures as best he can. And, uh, really, uh, uh, in conversations with all of the hosting sites to try to see if we could achieve this, this record-breaking 10 hour episode. Uh, thanks to chef Kevin for all of that. Uh, I want to thank everyone at Earwolf, everyone here at Earwolf, uh,

So many great employees who pass through the halls every single day. And a lot of them, when I suggested, hey, can we do this 10-hour episode? A lot of times in show business, you suggest something like this and people say like, eh.

I don't think so. To a person, everyone at Earwolf was excited about the idea and really mobilized trying to make it happen. So I want to thank them. I want to thank Jeff Ulrich, who started Earwolf with me nine years ago. And he saw something in the show 10 years ago and became a listener and decided to try to

Come to me with the crazy idea of what if we launched a podcast network, and here we are, so thanks to him. And most of all, I want to thank the listeners, the listeners who make it happen every single week. You know, when I first started the show, it was a radio show that I think a few random hundred people listened to at a time, and we decided to podcast it and quickly saw that

a few random thousand people were listening to it instead of a few hundred. And it grew every week just by word of mouth and from listeners to

telling other people about it. And, and really word of mouth is, is the best way for, for people to get into podcasts. When all of your friends are talking about something really funny and playing it for you in the car and insisting you listen to episodes, uh, that, that really has, has made the show what it is today. And so I want to thank everyone who did that, uh,

And everyone who's, like I said at the top, listened for the entire time, listened for a short time, have dipped in and out, have, you know, some people come up to me and say, like, you've done almost 600 episodes. I've listened to about 300 episodes.

Hey, that's a great ratio. I mean, we've done thousands and thousands of hours of podcasting at this point. So thanks to all of the listeners who made this show what it is and told all of their friends and the critics who have talked about it and written articles about it. It really means a lot to me. And that is going to do it for us. This has been a very, very special episode. But we're not done.

I know a lot of you think that we should be done after achieving something like this, but we are going to be back next week with the 600th episode of this show. We have something special planned for that, I think. So we'll see you for, if not another 10, at least another couple of years. I've been Scott Aukerman. Thanks so much for listening. This has been Comedy Bang Bang. We'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Welcome to Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. You guys, I'm so excited to introduce you to this podcast. It's been my little baby idea for a while now. This is going to be a really fun look at things that I find curious, whether it's a menstrual cup, it might be the Romanoff family, it might be fracking, it could be Carly Fiorina. I don't even know. Who knows? It's going to be whatever I think is interesting. We're

We're going to be bringing in content experts. I'm going to be learning the things. It's only going to take about 30 minutes for you to expand your baby brains with me and have a super fun time. So I can't wait to see you on Getting Curious. That felt real natch and cute.

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