Asif Ali, Lily Sullivan, Dan Lippert
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Life is short, life is cruel. Dipped my wang in pudding, but it turned out to be gruel. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Side of McG, catchphrase superstar Side of McG, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. I believe it's one day after the Ides of March, and we're dipping into St. Patrick's Day today. Ooh. Hope you're wearing your green. I know our guest of honor is. Uh,

Come on. Come on. I don't know why as we are recording this prior to the day, but I think green is one of those colors that should only be one day. I think there should be a color for every day of the year. Oh, I like this. And everyone has to wear it or else they get pinched every day. So you wake up and it's on the color wheel and it's like 1093 teal blue and everyone has to wear that one or else they get pinched all day.

We'll be discussing this a little later. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have a great show coming up. We have an entertainer. We also have a government employee. So this is a packed show. Wow. But let me get to our guest of honor, the aforementioned green wearing person. Uh-huh. He is a stand-up comedian and an actor who has appeared on such shows as Wrecked and WandaVision. His breakout role has arrived here today.

In the new comedy Deli Boys, which is out on Hulu now. All episodes, I believe. Yes, all 10. Currently available to watch. All 10. All episodes currently. We hope there's more, of course. I'm knocking this wood table. I'd like this show to go on till the end of time. Hey, thank you.

Please welcome Asif Ali to the show. First time. Welcome to the first time. Long time listener. First time guest. Yes. Wonderful. Welcome to the show. Deli Boys is out. I am here to say that I have seen approximately two hours of this, four episodes. Whoa.

I'm not yet halfway through the season, but I've seen my share. You've seen enough? My share will be all 10. I imagine I will complete it. But this is as much between the booking and you arriving. This is as much as I was able to complete. I love that. Enjoying it a lot. Tell us.

a little bit about what the plot of this show is, who you play, give me everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Real fast. Start the clock. Real fast. It's about two trust fund kids, two little dum-dums. I play Mir. These kids are dumb. Two,

Two South Asian boys, barely legal. I know you're into that, you nasty man. Two barely legal South Asian boys. What are we talking? Are we talking like three days after their 18th birthday? Yeah, yeah. Just the idea of drinking gets them so hard. I know you're into that. And on your notes. We talked about this before, yeah. And you flipped through all my notes. Scott has underlined barely legal South Asian three, four times. He has a globe out and he's circled South Asia broadly. See?

And so we're so... Another guest is so disgusted by this, they are taking off their headphones and walking out of the room. And calling the police. Oh, my. But yeah, two trust fund kids, two idiots. I play Mir, and Sagar Shaikh plays Raj. I'm sort of the type A, went to Drexel. He, by the way, people will know from... Ms. Marvel. Ms. Marvel. Yes. He was so great as the brother on Ms. Marvel.

Marvel. Yes. And so I played a sort of the type a went to Drexel, went to business school, want to be Drexel. Drexel. Is that a Harry Potter character? Can I tell you something? I was a voice in Hogwarts legacy, the video game. And are you proud of that now?

In hindsight? We'll save that for later. Would you like to publicly denounce J.K. Rowling? For her views about most communities? Yes. Okay. We have that on the record. Yes, we have that on the record. However, they made it very clear that the video game has nothing to do with her. And then they also made it clear that I was going to get paid. But it doesn't have a lot to do with her views? No.

Yeah, it's just you playing Twitter and you're just jumping from one of her posts to another one. Notorious turf, JK. Yes, we do not like that. And so I'm sort of like the type A guy. And then he plays sort of the he uses his trust fund money to do drugs and be an orgies and be a real nasty guy. And he's a nasty boy, a nasty boy like you. I know you loved it. And yeah.

And so our dad, played by Iqbal Thiba, who was a principal in Glee, very talented guy. I don't know why you pointed at me. I've never seen it. You're a huge Glee fan. I know that about you. You're doing jazz hands. They can't see it. That's true. And so we're in his shadow. He was an immigrant guy, worked at a deli, then eventually- There's a chain of delis. He's incredibly successful. He has commercials everywhere. Yeah, he's a huge-

like running a corporation now, then he dies in a tragic accident. We don't want to go into exactly how he dies because we want you to watch. We want you to watch, but it's a huge. So if you're into death and you watch things like faces of death, a lot of blood, there's a scene in this that you're going to love. Yeah. If you saw war footage in the early 2000s on the internet and you were upvoting it with Scott, you're going to love the show.

One scene at least. One scene. One big scene. So he dies and then we find out that all of the money from our family was actually coming from our dad using all of these delis that he owned as a middleman for cocaine distribution. Yes. Now here's what I like about the show. Yes. I was watching the first episode and I felt like the premise had been established. Yes. Because it's two idiots and you have your father and he's complaining about you guys are idiots and you're not ready for responsibility. I'm like, okay, I get this.

This is going to be a show where two idiots work at a deli or a chain of delis or whatever. It's fine. Suddenly he's dead. And then it turns into something akin to The Sopranos or Pulp Fiction or something where it's suddenly now it's in the drug trade and people are getting murdered. Yes. And it's violent. And it was very exciting. Just the amount of blood in that first episode was just insane. And that's when we knew.

This is going to be something special. Approximately 10 pints, I would estimate it at. Bloodstimated. And the PSI was powerful that day. Yeah, the effects guys were really having fun blasting our asses with a Tarantino amount of blood. It's strange because all this batter was on your asses. It was like...

I don't know who murders someone and turns their ass toward the body, but that was you guys. We knew how the internet worked, and I was like, let's give the fans something, and we turned around, and they were like, spray these BBLs. We know what America wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that is, and you have an aunt as well. Yes, played by Porna Jaganathan. Yeah, she's great. She's incredible. Getting a lot of buzz for her performance. I'm going to say it here first. She will get nominated for an Emmy, and if she doesn't, we will riot. Yes. When you say we, who are we talking about? Me, you, all of the listeners of CBB will gather. That's going to be a very ineffectual riot. About 13 people, very passionate. Yeah.

No, she's great. She kind of takes over in your father's footsteps and along with who is Brian George plays. Yeah, incredible. Great cast. Very funny show and goes into, like I say, I've seen approximately two hours of this four episodes before.

and goes and I'm counting the ads that are on Hulu because you have Hulu with ads I have Hulu with ads God forbid you pay more than nine dollars a month I don't know how to get rid of these things other than paying money which I don't want to do

But certified fresh, by the way, we're certified fresh and Rotten Tomatoes now. Congratulations. What does it what does it take to be certified fresh? I don't know. Just over the 50 percent mark or what? I'm not here to question it. All I know is that we have a over 90 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Wow. I think certified fresh is you need to get over a certain amount of positive ratings. That's what I mean. 50 percent is what I say. No, I think it's over 50 percent.

51? What are we? Maybe 60s. 60s? Maybe 60s, 70s. I don't know. Although, like in school, a 60 gives you a D. So I would say 70s then. It would have to be 70s then, right? A C? Yeah. Yeah, something's fresh if it's like half bad, right? Okay. Hold on, this is a takedown piece. What did I walk myself into? Holy shit.

I know it's a very funny show and very exciting and has great guest stars. I know there's this gentleman, Tim Baltz, who plays an FBI agent. And I saw this Australian actress named Lily Sullivan who was in this. A force to be reckoned with, honestly, would not make eye contact with us and was very much doing method. And we kept reminding her this is a comedy show. I'm glad you said ud after doing method.

And was very serious. And then got us all iPads after her performance. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. It was very nice. She's a class act, though.

Great cast and funny writing. How did the show end up coming to be? Who actually created the show? Abdullah Saeed, this incredible guy. He used to work at Vice. He used to do drugs at Vice. So that tells you where his mind was at. If you're the senior person doing drugs at Vice. That was his role at Vice. That was his role. Just to do whatever drugs came in that day and write reviews. He used to have a show called Bong Appetit where he would smoke weed and then cook.

and taste food that has been infused with weed. - Now what came first, the title? - We don't know. That's like asking a podcast, like what came first, the name or the idea kind of thing. But he wrote, he actually, the reason why the show is so interesting is that he wrote it 'cause he just wanted to get staffed in a room. And so, you know, like they just tell you to write the craziest shit you can come up with so they can just get an idea for what your sense of humor is. But then when he was taking it around, they were like, oh, Onyx was like, yeah, we'll make this. And he was like, oh shit.

Okay, so that jump from I was just planning on getting staffed and then now you're an EP creator, writer. That's almost too much responsibility for this guy, I would say. But he did it. He did it! We also have Jenny Connor from Girls. Yes, she was an EP. Nora Silver, Michelle Nader was showing up. It was a lot of women. He was the only...

Uh, man, uh, that was neat. I also heard a story about how a lot of the characters were men in the original draft. Yes. And then, uh, they asked, hey, could you change these women? He went to a panel, uh, like a Gina Davis panel, I think. And she was like, go through. One of our great stars. Wouldn't you agree? The fly. God, we love it. Brundle fly. My favorite bug, bug.

Scary stuff. Eating shit. We love that for her. And she's actually going to use this now. Great.

This is going right to our Instagram, getting pinned on our Instagram. But she does a lot of work in that space. I know my wife's film went to her film festival out in, I forget what state it was in, but Tennessee or something like that. But it's very focused on women in the industry. Yeah, so he went to a panel and they were like, go through your script and find any characters that are men that can be switched to a woman. Go ahead and do that. And so he did that with Lucky Auntie and he did that with...

Agent Mercer. Right. Yeah. And it's a great, I mean, you know, without doing that, Lucky Auntie, which is such a great character, wouldn't exist. And it gave her so much more to play with. I'm going to say,

reverse the gender of every single character in your script and see what happens. Oh, no. So we get picked up for season two and then I'm fired? Yeah, exactly. Do it for the next season. I do catering now? No, you can play Lucky Auntie now. Oh. And she plays you. This is very cool. We love, okay, now I'm back on board. This is very cool. Here's how to fix Hollywood. Yes. Because everyone talks about like, oh, there aren't enough women roles. And people have been asking you specifically about this. Yes, exactly. Yes.

Just take every single script that goes into production, swap the gender of every single role. There. Whoa. So Reacher is a woman now? Yes. A small woman. Ms. Reacher. Ms. Reacher, I don't mind if I do. And yeah, she's very tiny. Tiny lady. With big tits. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That keep her from punching people. That's how she gets towns to submit to her will. They're like, hold on. We were doing so crazy. This is how we cure sexism in Hollywood. Whoa.

Oh my God. So what Deli Boys, of course, we're talking about on Hulu now, all 10 episodes. All 10 were released at the same time? Same time, yeah. That's like bear tactics, right? And that was a conversation that was happening on set.

And even though I wasn't obviously in a position of power to make that decision, I was yelling it a lot. Were you overhearing these conversations, like trying to sidle up to him going like, well, here's my opinion. I know. They would be like, so what do you guys think? And I made it. I would yell it out. I would be like, guys, remember in between. I'd be like all right now. It needs they all need to drop at the same time. At the same time. Well, it's it's benefiting me because I, of course, had to cram. Yeah. Watching these four episodes. You're using a free trial.

That's the other part of it. God damn it. The free trial, by the way, and give me ads. Come on, man. Give me a free trial without ads. Hook me. Maybe I'll pay for the no ads.

It's a great show. Deli Boys is out there right now and 10 episodes. You have experience. I mean, you were in WandaVision, right? You're in a lot of stuff. Yeah. But you started as a stand-up comedian. Yes. Yeah. I started in high school in Arizona in Phoenix. That's right. You're from Arizona. Shout out to Phoenix. Yeah. And then I moved to Chicago. Chicago, great comedy scene. I feel like a lot of people who want to get into comedy pick New York or LA.

and don't overlook Chicago. It's an incredible place. Yeah, but everyone in Chicago just goes like, when am I moving to LA or New York? Yeah, but that's after they're already powerhouses of comedy. You know what I mean? It's a great incubator. We love our second city, of course. Our Iowa. Iowa West. We love them. Iowa West doesn't even exist anymore. Whoa! Iowa West has been gone. It's been gone. We love them, though. We love them. A great legacy. Ha ha ha!

And you went to Chicago. Yes. Did you mainly focus on stand-up? I was doing improv and stand-up at the time. You were doing improv as well. But then eventually, when I came to LA, it was like a thing of like, hey, I can't make any money. I'm just actively losing money doing improv. Yeah. That's the thing. You have to pay approximately like $500 every improv performance you give. Yeah.

Yes. And it's just, it's sunk costs. And as much as I love doing it and, you know, being around a lot of other people who are way too enthusiastic. You love doing it. Let me give you a word. Okay. Bovine. Yes. And milk. Oh,

Okay, see? He loves it. Come on, put me on a Herald team. He loves it. So you were doing stand-up as well at the same time as doing improv? Yes, yes. And so it's easier to make money doing stand-up because you go out and do clubs. Yes, and frankly, I was better at it. I had to sit down and be like, hey, what am I actually better at? And I was better at stand-up.

And the improv community was devastated, honestly. A lot of people, Lauren called me. Lauren called me and said, are you sure? We are looking for a South Asian person in 2078 when we get a lot of pressure on social media and then you will be let go six months later. And so I was like, listen, man, I have a career and I want to pursue this thing. Do you have any specials out there? I did a Netflix special called

Verified. It was like four people doing 15-minute sets. Oh, yeah, one of those 15-minute ones that Max did, right? No, no, it was on Netflix. No, I mean our good friend Max. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Of course, from the Nevada Johnny Carson Festival.

Yes, it was. Yeah, that and one of the one of these things where it was just like, OK, we don't trust you for half an hour, which is crazy because they saw me do an hour and then they're like, here's 15. And I go, what is this? Yeah, I already showed you the intention span thing. What do you

What do you think it is? I think it was a trust thing. They need the computer. It's not human beings trusting me. They need a computer to trust me. Or they need you to show them that you have two million alt-right fans. What do you think about computers? Are they good for society or like on the whole? Like we used to have calculators. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were like, I remember that was a big, when I was in school, that was a big thing. Do we let calculators into the classroom? Yeah. And nowadays,

It's like, hey, we have, I mean, that's mainly what I use this phone for is just the calculator app. Calculating that 0% tip you give at restaurants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see, zero divided by zero. Oh, look at this.

Same thing every time. They hate you at Buca di Beppo. They hate you. But yeah, I think that using the algorithm thing, it is kind of crazy because it used to be fascinating. It feels like there's no one in charge of like just making decisions with your gut anymore. It's just all just, you know, you hear about, oh my God, our good friend Christian Bruhn's show being canceled by Netflix when it has like

800 million viewers and some computer is like, don't like it. Don't like it. Don't know why. It's a great of completion. And they all just go like, oh, thank you, computer. Oh, we love you, computer. And everyone loves this show. And then suddenly you wake up one day and it's gone. What is going on? I don't know what's going on. Not at Hulu. These people have hearts. They have passion.

And, you know, anything else positive I can say for us to get a second season. Yeah. And when does that, when do they decide this? How long is your contract? Uh,

I don't know how long our contract is. When do they have to re-up it? I would love to get my lawyer on the phone. You don't know? I would love... You know. I think it's like a three-year contract. No, no, no. But when do they have to decide whether they're picking it up? I think they have to tell us by June. Or what? They have to pay you more money? Yeah, or if they hold us, they have to pay us more money. How much? I think it's like... I think it's at least like...

50. 50K? I think it's at least 50 to 70K. 50 to 70K. That's about right. Just to hold us. Just to hold, yeah. Because you're a star on the up. Yeah. I'm number one on the call sheet. You're number one on the call sheet? This is what I need to get you. Thank you. Thank you. How did you wrangle that? It's my first time in my entire career being number one on the call sheet. What were you on Wrecked? Number six. I was number six. Yeah, I was six. And then on WandaVision. Let me guess WandaVision.

You're probably in the 30s. Yeah, I think it was something. I was probably 20 something. 20 something. Yeah, because I was pretty early on. But I wasn't a series regular. I was recurring. So you were in the first couple episodes because you're one of the people in the town. I was in five out of the six, I believe. Wow. Those are good odds. And when you're a guest star, you know, shrinking, I was down. I don't know, actually. But go ahead. Don't get a lot of work.

in these neck of the woods. Come on, your attitude towards Hollywood, I feel like, would just open doors for you left and right. Yeah, shrinking, I was pretty low. Didn't even put myself in my own thing. This is how bad I auditioned. Because that's, you're an artist, you're an artist. New Girl, I was pretty low because that was like the last season of the actual show. So I want to say- But how do you get number one in this Deli Boy show? Like, was there a fight between- I don't think- Or was it just decided one day you're number one? I think it was just- Did you talk first in the show? Um-

Between the two of you? No, I think our dad talks first. He talks first, but he's not going to be number one on the call sheet. Your scene was first, wasn't it? I think so. I think they established your character first. Maybe, but I don't think that's how it works. I bet it was. I mean, how the fuck would you know, Scott? Ha ha ha!

We have to ask the computer. The computer is the only one that can tell us. But yeah, it's been a... What an honor. Yeah, truly. It's a special thing. But it's an ensemble, so we all share. You guys should switch it next season. Why are you doing this to me? I hate this. I hate this. I'm just saying, you're number one this time, and it makes you feel like a big shot. And I'll be number 37 for season two. Give it to your brother. Give it to Sagar? Yeah, okay. Okay, fine. Okay, fine. Why not? He's two, probably, right? Yeah, he's two, yeah. Yeah, give it to him. Just switch. And we'll switch for season two? Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, that's cute.

It is fun. That is kind of nice. That'd be nice. And you should make a big ceremony out of it where you like, you know, make up a giant call sheet. Like it's a giant check or something. Yeah. Yeah. Where I, a publisher's clearing house where I get handed over to him and you cut a ribbon and everything. That would be fun to do on the first day. And then he immediately does a switch where then now he establishes rules that we were trying to avoid where he's like, don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Um, I will have, I will have a video village made out of trailers, uh,

With like six different trailers. A video village made out of trailers. Yeah. I'm trying to imagine this. Yeah, where you just open the window and you can see the monitors through there. Well, this is a great show, Deli Boys. Number one on the call sheet here. This is an honor for me. And the show takes place. Listen, I'm just kidding. By the way, it takes place on Earth. In Philly, in Philadelphia. But we shot it in Chicago. That's right. So if you ever see like the L train passing by. You're going to be like, holy shit. This is crazy. Or the lake.

Or like you guys walk by second city. Yeah. And I, and I, there's a whole episode where I, where my character drops a character and does, uh, two very bad improv scenes at second city pitches the show to the audience. Jason Sudeikis doesn't drop in. We get into, yeah, he looks at me and he's like, I don't know you. Uh,

and then we leave, and then we get on the train and argue for about three stops. So this is a good show. It's a fun show. We shot next to the bear, actually. What do you mean next to the bear? Our stages were right next. It was us, the bear, the shot. So if they turned the camera even slightly to the right. You would see Jeremy Allen White, Iowa Debris, Maddie Matheson. Was that hard to be trying to act, and then the bear is acting right next to you? It was kind of crazy because you could feel the weight of like,

Man, there's Emmys right next door to us. Do you think he's playing Springsteen, right? Yeah. That's going to seep into his bear performance where he's like, hey, little mama, I'm the bear. I actually love that. I think him saying, hey, little mama, over a plate of food while he's in his own apartment. Does he talk to his food? I've never seen the show. Does he talk to his food? He's gonna this season. What a fucking weird show. We would do this funny bit where when we were shooting out on location. I talk to his food the entire time.

- How the fuck does anyone watch this thing? - I love it. When we would shoot on location. - You have to say that you work for them. - No, I love it.

I love seasons. This is a show about a guy speaking to his plate. But what's every show? You could dilute any show into that. All right. All right. From what you're saying, I've never seen it. So from what you're saying, this is a show about a guy who talks to his food like he's Bruce Springsteen? Yeah, but he uses like a fuck voice. You know what I mean? All right. All right. It's different. We would do this bit in Chicago whenever we were outside. Yeah.

we would tell people when they'd walk by and be like, what are you guys shooting? And we'd be like, oh, we're shooting the bear. And people would be like, oh my God, what's this season about? And it'd be like, this season, Carmi really gets into South Asian food. He's starting a South Asian restaurant. He's getting into biryani and naan and lentils and curries. And they would legitimately be like,

oh shit, really? That's like, that makes sense because the show kind of like breaks boundaries and stuff. That makes perfect sense. And I'm like, yeah, there's an episode where the spice really gets to him and he has to like sit down in the freezer, but like for different reasons. And so there's like about a hundred and maybe 20 people. Does that work?

Maybe. There's like 120. I can handle spice, so it's not up to me. But there's about 100 people in Chicago who believe that season, the new season of The Bear is about him starting a South Asian restaurant. And they think it's groundbreaking. Yeah. They're like, oh, my God, it's going to be crazy. He's probably going to call like he's probably going to call it like hurry in a curry or something like that. And they're going to be like, cousin, that's a fuck.

up name and they're going to have a whole app. Someone's going to drive their car through the front of it. It's going to be awesome. You guys should crossover with the bear. You know how like CSI and Two and a Half Men had a crossover episode? Like the bear should drop by one of your delis and someone shoots him in the face. Stop talking to your food! Abbott Elementary and It's Always Sunny did a Philly crossover. Yeah, that's fun. And so you guys are in Philly too, supposedly. Yeah, so we could pop in there too. Yeah, that would be fun. Just sell the kids Coke. Yeah.

When you say the kids, you mean the sunny characters, obviously. You are not intimating that children are doing cocaine. That's not the kind of joke we do on the show. No, no, no, not on the show. I just want to say, this is not the kind of joke we do on the show. And you know what? I respect you for that. And I respect that you're setting boundaries and letting me know, putting me in my place. Even though I'm number one on the call sheet, you're putting me in my place. I'm number one on the call sheet in this room. Oh, that's true. That's true.

God, and you had a call sheet printed out when I came in here that I had to sign, which was odd, but I respected it.

Well, it's a great show. Deli Boys is out there right now. Also, I'm realizing that deli is a play on, of course, the Indian City deli. The Indian City. But it's spelled D-E-L-I. So if you're trying to look up, I'm like, I can't find Deli Boys. Take the H out. And it's a great show. Out on Hulu now. I'm going to watch the other six episodes the minute you leave.

Wow. And I hope everyone watches all 10. Those computers, they like their completion rate. Come on. Help me in the algo, please. And we need them to make the decision on this second season here. How about this? So you can get another 50 to 70K. If we get a second season, you'll be the first to know. Really? Is that true? It'll be a CBB exclusive. The first from you. A CBB exclusive. Here's what I want you to do.

If you find out it's a no, it's canceled, or if you find out it's a go, just call me up the minute that you get the info and say, schedule the episode today.

And I'll corral whoever I can. We'll do an episode. You'll make the announcement before you tell any of your loved ones. Love that. Anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll do that. That's a verbal commitment. That's a verbal commitment. I'll do it. Deli Boys out right now on Hulu. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have an entertainer. We're going to have a government employee. This is a great show. Awesome. Can you stick around? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it for the world. Fantastic. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

This podcast is brought to you by Hulu. Hey everybody, Hulu has a bunch of new stand-up specials that are not just funny, they're hilarious. Very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive stand-up specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gavigan, Ilana Glazer, Roy Wood Jr., Bill Burr, and tons more. A new special drops every month and they've got a huge library of stand-up specials to check out. Go to Hulu and get your stand-up fix now.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Asif Ali from Deli Boys out on Hulu right now. All 10 episodes. Why didn't you make 11? You

You know what? We had a real conversation about that. I was actually tied up. I had a stand-up gig for free that I was doing. Yeah. Was it a benefit? It was a benefit for me. All the money was going to me and my bank account. And so I was like, Daddy needs some new sneakers. And you can do that now. You can start a foundation for anything. And it's the foundation of the betterment of my personal style. So instead of doing 11, it just ends at 10 without ever resolving anything? Uh-huh. And then there's a...

Apple Notes, a photo of Apple Notes that says, it's an apology. It's an apology. Oh, that's good. For something very nasty that someone did on set, but you'll never know. With like little words underlined that they think you misspelled. Yeah, the red lines. I love that when someone releases an Apple Notes apology and there's words underlined. It's like, at least take care of that before releasing this publicly. Yeah.

We have to get to our next guest. This is exciting. We have three people who have never been on the show before joining our First Timers Club. Please welcome, she's an entertainer, please welcome Miss Macy. Hi, Scott. Sorry, I just have to read this. I have to start by reading this. Oh, okay, you've got your phone out. Scott Aukerman, as you know, I work for the Hollywood Cabal.

and have been sent to do a routine wellness check. I don't know. What do you mean, as I know, you work for the Hollywood cabal? Due to the chaotic and often volatile nature of the entertainment industry, most actors choose to live a severed life. A what life? A severed life. A severed life. With their innie here in Hollywood and their outie elsewhere. Oh, shit. Today, during our session, I hope to provide you with some helpful information about your outie.

Okay, okay. Scott, I mean, I'm terrified. Do you know what this means? I don't know what this is, and honestly, I've sent in a lot of self-tapes to get into this Hollywood cabal, and I've heard nothing back. Is this like Illuminati shit? What are we talking about here? Scott...

This is like Jay-Z and Puff Diddy, all the freak-offs. Am I invited to these now? Scott, don't act like you've never been invited to a freak-off. Scott, we are all invited to the Hollywood freak-offs. I'm invited too? Yes, we are all invited when you join the Hollywood cabal. Holy shit. As our record shows, Scott, you have been severed since 2001 when you played Phil Hegel in The Huntress. Yeah, he was a magician.

I had to learn a card trick for that. Some of your finest work. A TV series about the adventures of a mother and daughter bounty hunters. Yes. There's nothing like going on a set and feeling like you're doing a terrible job immediately. Where everyone kind of heavily sighing and coming over to you and going, okay, this time. And you feel like you're doing it exactly the way you did in the audition. Yeah, when you go on set, it's really testing the reputation of a casting director. Yeah.

Yeah, they're like, I mean, I tried my best. That must have meant that you did a really good job. I think so. I don't know. Also, it came out and I've never seen it and I've never talked to anyone else who's seen it. Well, I'm happy to provide you with a copy. As you know, we keep an extensive library of every single film and television created. Why do you keep saying as you know? I don't know. I don't know anything about this.

Scott, I'm excited to provide you with some helpful information about your Audi today. Are you ready to begin our wellness session? I don't know what this means. So your innie is a person in Hollywood. So you've never seen the show. What show? Severance. It's an incredible show on Apple TV. I haven't seen that. And so that show with Adam Scott in it? Your good friend Adam Scott. No. Stars Adam Scott, John Torturo, and other people. And so a lot of people. Patricia Arquette.

So a lot of people have been saying that. Helly. Helly.

That it mirrors real, like the real Hollywood. And I didn't think it was true. And then now that this is happening, you know, it's really shocking me to my core that this is a real thing. And you have your innie. Wait, I've done this? Yes, Scott. You've been severed since 2001, which means you have your innie living here in Hollywood and your outie living elsewhere. Would you like me to dive in? Please do. I need to know about this. Why did you have to look down at your notes for dive in? Because it's...

It's my first day. It's your first day. My first day. God. Oh, it's going terribly. You're doing so well. Am I your first client today or whatever you call them? No, I saw the Lachey's earlier. Oh, okay. Nick and Vanessa. Vanessa, yeah. Nick is a little bit different. Vanessa's obviously severed, but Nick is a brain dead robot. Why did he stop saying, and of course, I'm Nick Lachey?

Now he just has him. I'm Nick Lachey. We reprogrammed him. Okay, thank you. Someone spilled water on him. Someone spilled water on him and that's why he kept saying that over and over again. I see. Like the aliens in Signs. Got it, got it, got it. Exactly. Also, if you know that you're also severed. What the fuck? What? Yeah, the moment that you do any part on television, you become severed.

So that means my Audi is living in Phoenix, Arizona right now? Not in Phoenix, no. But we'll get to your session soon. Okay, okay. So wait, even when I was Taft Hartley for Just Shoot Me? You were severed. Yes, Scott. Wow.

Okay. The pain of a life as an actor was too much for you to take. Huh. Wait, so does that apply to podcasts too? Absolutely. Really? So which part of me is doing the podcast? The one of me at home or? The innie. The innie. What does that mean? The part that's in Hollywood. In Hollywood. You need to watch the show. Why? So this. Adam will work. You need to watch the show. Hang out with Adam Scott. I'll tell you what it's like.

Anything he's just filmed, he recaps for you. Like, verbally. What? The entire time. He's just like, oh, yeah, did you see Severance last week? And then he just, like, takes... It takes longer than the actual episode to watch. And he'll give you the spoilers? To listen to, like... What a good friend. To what he did, and he tells... It's not like he's telling behind-the-scenes stories or whatever. He's just talking about how cool he looked. Oh.

It's just, yeah. So I don't know. Does he talk about his haircut? And his cool run? Yeah, what's going on with his haircut? It's very long. Very long. Yeah, yeah. But he cuts it for the flashback. Don't worry. Yeah, he does. In season two. So they flashback and he's cutting his hair? Yeah, they have a whole sequence of him giving himself the Rachel. It's cute. It's cute. It's so cute. Yeah. It looks really good on him. Oh gosh, I'm messing this up.

up already Scott I was supposed to give you your session let's do the session I'm sorry I didn't know any of this oh I'm so bad I'm doing terribly today you're doing great let's do this okay your Audi is a ski bomb in Vail Colorado your Audi likes to go to local saloon oh local saloon just one there's only one yeah there's only one

There's only one in Ville. Okay. Your Audi loves the band Fish. No, that's not possible. Yes, Scott, take a look at your lower back. Oh, shit. You have a tramp stamp. I can't see it.

It's Trey shredding. Trey shredding? On your back. Scott. It's huge. It's detailed. It's very detailed. Okay. Do you mind if I just keep pointing it at you during the rest of the show? No. No, that's really stressing me out. Okay. All right. All right. I'm just trying to get through this. I'll pull my pants back up. Okay. God, this has been such a hard week for me. He also has a liquid death tattoo. Yeah. Weird. Look, I love the brand. That was for me.

That was my Audi. That was me. Yeah, wow. Well, why has it been a terrible week? Oh, my God. It's just like I started this new job working at the Cabal, and it's just not going well. Aw. Look, nobody offered to take me to lunch. Oh, shit. I thought at least somebody would take me out to lunch in my first week. Not one person. You thought it was your first day. Yeah. So the first week, there's still another six days or four days. Yeah, exactly, but the first day's already gone by, and no one's offered to take

No one's been like, hey, this is a fun new person. Let's take you to a steak dinner. Oh, no. I know. It's just so tough. Steak dinner? Yeah. A steak lunch. No one at the Cabal offered to take me to a steak dinner lunch.

Where you eat dinner? Well, maybe it'll happen after you're done with this session. God, I hope so. Yeah, they're just waiting. They're nervous, probably. Do you think I'm intimidating? Yeah, you have an intimidating part. The way you shake while you're holding your notes. Oh my God. Yeah. It looks like you're going to snap mentally, perhaps physically. I've got to get through, Scott. I've got to push through. Let's do this. Okay. Your Audi spends his off season in Costa Rica. That's kind of cool. Off from what?

From skiing? Whoa, you go from cold to warm? Wow. You're outie.

brags about his ski day and how the gnar gnar is the pow pow. Wow. I don't know what these mean, but I guess my Audi knows what gnar gnar and pow pow is, I guess. He absolutely knows. Your Audi is in his 50s, but frequently uses the word steezy. Ew. I don't like that at all. At the saloon? You're dropping steezy at the saloon? At saloon. He

He goes to saloon and he says, Steezy. I don't like this guy. Scott, it's your Audi. We all love our Audis. Our Audis are us. Does Audi have children? No. Audi is single. Oh, that's kind of cool. You're Audi. Can Audi become any? Now he's back on his Steez. I love that shit. Wow, it's good to see you joke around. Thank you.

Scott, your Audi spends most of his trust fund on cocaine. Ooh, I have a trust fund? Yeah, you're really wealthy. Damn, I mean, Vail is really expensive. It's very expensive to live there, even as a ski bum. Yeah. Scott, your Audi's name is Dan Peterson. Oh. But you insist everyone calls you Dr. Shred. Oh.

And I insist on this. Yeah. You insist on this, Scott. It's kind of cool, actually. Is he related to Jordan Peterson? He is. Oh, shit. They're cousins. My Audi is cousins with Jordan Peterson. Which means your innie is, too. Oh, God. Why do we have different names? Is that what it's like on the show, too? Yes, Scott. Haven't you listened to your friend Adam Scott when he recaps? Not really. I'm playing Snake on my phone, usually.

You keep a phone just to play Snake on? Yeah.

And old Nokia. You're cutting back on technology, I see. Good for you. So, I mean, this guy, look, everything you said before, Dr. Shred, was kind of lame, but Dr. Shred makes me sound cool, so I don't mind this guy at this point. Does he wear sleeves on his jackets? No. All of your winter coats have the sleeves cut off. Fuck yeah. That's pretty fucking cool. That's so fucking cool. That liquid death tattoo is popping. Yep. And he also wears shorts on the ski mountain. Oh, yeah.

Not even cold? Swim shorts. Swim shorts! And you wear fun, loud glasses, Scott, to let everyone know you're silly. Yeah. Do I wear like old New Year's Eve glasses that say like 2004? You do. And you wear boas. Oh, I love this guy. Dr. Shred in the house. Dr. Shred in the house. Your personality in Vail. Your Audi, Scott, pronounces salsa like this.

salsa oh yeah oh yeah your audi pronounces croissant like this that's how i do it too interesting oh that's interesting interesting yeah your audi pronounces fa like this foe yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah scott your audi

Is a wonderful person. And why are you telling me about this guy? Because this is our wellness check, Scott. Okay. It happens once every few months. Okay. And God, I hope I did a good job. Did I do good? I guess. I mean, it didn't seem like you checked on my wellness at all as much as you just...

told me about this other guy. Doesn't that make you feel better learning about your Audi? I guess so. I mean, yeah, I'm glad to hear he's doing great. I mean, to be honest, is there ever like a take your Audi to work day or anything like this where we can switch? Silly Scott, we can't be reintegrated. Did your friend Adam Scott tell you about that? I'm sure he did, but is this like the substance? That's one I have seen where you're both one. No, it's not like the substance. Demi Moore also famously severed.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Demi Moore was ever too? Yeah, very early. Which one owned the town with Bruce Willis? Not the DVD of the movie.

the ben affleck movie i mean they bought like a whole town yeah they bought a whole town um i think that was demi yeah i think that was demi as well yeah but this audi version of you is cool single he's cool as hell he's smashing puss he's got no sleeves on he's snowboarding and then he spends his summers in costa rica it's just like me when i learned about my audi i felt so much better about myself scott i mean to be honest i'm kind of jealous i mean my yeah i guess i

myself, the innie, I have a pretty boring life where I have to talk to, I mean, no disrespect. Of course, of course, of course. And you're number one on the call sheet, certainly, but...

It's a TV thing. It's not like you're a movie star or anything like that. And I get that. And I get that. You know, so, I mean, compared to Dr. Shred. That's huge. Does Dr. Shred have an Instagram account that Scott can follow? Can I check it out? Unfortunately, no, Scott. We have blocked you from ever following Dr. Shred. No! Because you know those reels would be so good. It would be too much for your brain, Scott. You would get all scrambled and jumbled. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well, I mean, this is kind of disappointing because my life sucks in comparison. Scott, it's going to be okay. You're outie.

God, am I doing a bad job? No, I just feel like you keep saying you're doing a bad job. Oh, God, I'm so stressed. It's been what your job is. Can I just tell you my experience of listening to you? What? You came here, told me about a cabal, and said, as you know, a lot, which this is the first time I've ever heard you say this. As you know, Scott, the cabal loves you. Okay, and then you told me about this really cool, shredding...

awesome dude. That's your Audi. Dr. Shred. And then you said it's a wellness check, and I'm just kind of jealous of this guy. Oh, God. I guess I'm doing a really bad job. I guess. What did you intend to do? Well, I intended to make you feel better. You know, I felt so much better when I learned that my Audi lives in Minnesota. Oh. Why were you shredded? Shredded? Shredded.

I shredded because I go to- Would that show be better if it was called Dr. Shredder? Yeah, yeah. Let's be honest. I gotta call Adam. Yeah, Apple TV's new show, Dr. Shredded. Dr. Shredder. So what did you get severed for? I got severed because I'm a commercial actor. Oh, you are? It was too much on my little brain. What have you been in? Yeah. I was in a toothpaste commercial where they put the toothpaste in the woman's mouth.

And she just gargles it? Yeah, they put a whole tube of toothpaste in it. Oh, whoa. And she just... And that was supposed to be better than brushing? Yeah, it's just sort of an app. Just one tube a day. Yeah, they say one tube a day. And basically, I squeeze the whole thing. I put the whole tube in my mouth, and I bite down, and I pull the whole thing out, and then my cheeks are full of... And then you just spit it all out, and then you smile? And I spit it out, and I smile, and I go, Crest, white strips. Oh, it's for Crest. White strips. White strips. Hmm.

Holy shit. Okay. Confusing commercial. That's a nasty commercial. Now, this is not you, though. This is your innie. No, that's my innie, but my outie?

Her name is Janet Smith, Scott. She lives in Minnesota. Wait a minute. She has four kids. I thought you were the Audi because you're doing a job. No, Scott. I'm an innie. I work my day job at the Cabal. I'm also a commercial. So then you also have an Audi? And my Audi is named Janet Smith. She lives in Minnesota. She has kids named Huxton, Braxton, Jackston.

And pug. Oh. A pug is a dog or a person named pug? I feel like I've heard these names before. No. I feel like someone else I talked to. No, that can't be. That can't be. That feels familiar. Then I'm a therapist, part-time therapist. Yeah, we would have to be part-time. And I have an Instagram account called The Rapist Janet Smith. Oh, no. Why does your Audi also have a job? Is your Audi severed from...

That job as well? Scott, no. Of course not. You really have to watch this show. You have to watch the show. It's a Hollywood thing? My Audi lives in... No! I'm not supposed to get angry. It's okay. It's okay. You're separated from your job and your home life. But now you're saying it's a Hollywood life and a therapist job? Scott, I have my Audi's life where I also work a job. And then when I work industry jobs, I become my innie. It's so obvious and clear. It makes perfect sense. Awesome. Do you want to hear about

I would love to hear that because this is not what I thought. I thought this was a podcast about like recipes and general wellness and to come here. This particular podcast? Yeah. Yeah. I apologize for that. It's bad marketing. Because your assistant emailed me and said, bring your best like chicken piccata recipe. Yeah. And I was like, okay. The capers are the key. Yeah. The capers are the key. And I was, and I had, I have, I'm wearing that on the hoodie right now. The capers are the key. And,

But to come here and actually get blindsided with this level of just like deep information is like a lot. But I'm ready for it. When you're ready, you're you're I mean, look, this is your breakout. This is my breakout role. I need to know. What was your first credit? My first credit on TV was, I believe, TV show was Up All Night, which was with it was a show with Will Arnett, Maya Rudolph and Christina Applegate.

That's right. Where they were parents. Uh-huh. And in the pilot, they were sitting on the stoop. Something like that. Someone with a doggie walked by. Yeah. And they had a poop bag. And they commented on the poop bag. Yes. When you were the guy? Was this me? No, no, no. I played like a person interviewing for a job later in the seasons. And they were so sweet to me. Were they? They actually were very nice. Were they? Yeah.

Because after that credit, you got severed. Whoa. That's right, Asif. You came to us and you had your severed operation. Oh, God. You're outie, Asif. Uh-huh.

lives in South Carolina. Not South Carolina. Not even North Carolina. Why do all the Audis live so far away? Not even North Carolina. And who does the traveling? Why are they all connecting flights? Because I don't remember doing any flights. Scott, everyone, your Audi flies for you. And you should be very grateful. Flying is not an enjoyable experience. Is there an Uppie for the flights? An Uppie in a Downy? Do we sever here?

We're working on that technology now. The cabal is working. Okay, so I live in South Carolina. Is there at least like a cool part of South Carolina or kind of boring? You live in Myrtle Beach. Okay. You are...

a salesman. Oh, fuck. You wear salmon-colored shorts. What does he sell? And plaid shirts. Okay, what am I selling? And boat shoes. What am I selling? Like, ankles exposed? Ankles exposed, no socks. Oh, God. No socks? Not even the ankle socks? No. When you wear dress shoes, you don't wear socks. Oh, God. That's disgusting.

Just rank ass feet at a wedding. Oh, God. What's he sell? What's he sell? Yeah. He sell soil. Soil? What the fuck? I'm selling dirt professionally? Soil sells itself. No, it doesn't. You make calls like this. Y'all need to... Oh, God. You need to make this sale work for me. You need to make it work.

And I put on this voice much akin to Bobby Jindal in Louisiana, the politician. That's right. Oh, no. Yeah, you talk. And how do I differentiate different versions of soil to upsell? Well, it depends on how much sand is in the soil. Okay, okay. So cheap soil uses a lot of sand. Mostly sand. They cut it down with sand. You say...

It's our cheap soil. This one has just our sand. 87% sand. 90% sand. 2% soil. And a bunch of other rocks. A bunch of other rocks? Not even a percentage, just a bunch. A bunch of rocks.

That's what you say. And I deliver it? You deliver it, hand deliver it in a horse and buggy. Oh, shit. And that's part of my charm? That's part of your charm. This guy sounds like he sucks. He's no Dr. Shred. Yeah, he sucks. Do I have a catchphrase? Like, steez? Yeah. You go, is that a dirt chart?

a dirt shirt who do i say that to anybody what is a dirt shirt is that a dirt just to anybody wearing a shirt because i'm anyone wearing a shirt you say is that a dirt shirt it's kind of a funny catchphrase honestly everyone says what are you talking about and you say oh hi hi i we're in the dirt business yeah 90 sand uh-huh and a bunch of rocks i'm

I'm kind of coming around on this guy. I got to be honest. Is that a dirt shirt? It's a pretty cool catchphrase. It's a pretty cool catchphrase. Is that a dirt shirt? It does sound cool coming out of my mouth. Yeah, yeah. Don't you feel better, Asif? I do feel better. Knowing about your Audi? Do I have a family? Hopefully, I'm not like Dr. Shred and I have a family. Is he lonely like he is right now? Yeah, am I a single man like in real life or do I have a beautiful family that cares for me? That's right.

You actually have a huge family. Oh, my God. I love that. How huge are we talking? You have eight kids. Fuck, yeah. Eight kids? Yeah. Up top, my man. Hell yeah, dude. Three of them live in the attic. Oh, oh. Two of them live in the basement. Wait, my family's separated? I have joint custody of my own kids in the same house? They've severed their own kids? You're not allowed to go upstairs or downstairs. What? Oh, okay.

But you have a few who live in the car who you can see when you go on errands. So like a couple are in the attic, a couple are in the basement, a couple are just living. What kind of car do I have? Is it big? Saturn. Oh, that's so small. It's small for three kids. But you also have a Mazda. Oh, a Mazda 3? Miata. Oh, Miata, even smaller. It's really small. That's for like a baby, maybe? Your Audi has a tiny car. Oh, shit. A Fiat.

God. So I own a Fiat, a Mazda Miata. He has three cars? That is kind of cool. He can't travel everywhere with all of his kids because he's a single parent. Oh. Like a motorcade. Yeah, a motorcade or like a tandem motorcycle. That would be cool. Like a sidecar. Yeah, a sidecar. You attached them all. That would be cool. You would have to go down freeways all the time with three lanes. And then all my little kids would be like, is that a dirt shirt? Is that dirt shirt?

- Well, this is fascinating stuff. I think you're doing okay, depending on what the intended effect is. - Oh gosh, I hope so. I really wanna go to a steak brunch.

Now it has to be brunch? Yeah, I really want to eat steak in the middle of the day. How many ounces? What kind of steak are you eating? Filet. Oh, shit. That's so expensive. This could be a problem. Filet cut porterhouse with a top and a blue cheese. A filet and a porterhouse on top of each other and blue cheese? It makes sense. They stuff the filet inside of the porterhouse. I mean, you are a big person, so that does make sense. Thank you. You're like 16.

I'm six two tall to be an actor. You're like a reacher. Yeah. But my Audi is doing awesome. Yeah. My Audi talks like this. Oh, okay. Oh my God. What? No. That's crazy. No. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. You need to tell me the recipe for this dip.

Right now. I need to know what is in this dip. Now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds cool. I gotta say, I want to meet Dr. Shred one of these days. I would love it if Dr. Shred were to take over this podcast. Maybe I could be out there at Saloon. That would be... Does my guy have a nickname or something? Yeah, your nickname is... Dart! Dart!

Well, I would love maybe someday in the future, my character would maybe get a weekend off and go to Vail. Yeah, our Audis should hang out with each other. That would be so cool. Your Audis are not allowed to see each other. What the fuck? Why not? Our Audis aren't? Why not? After the huge fight of 2005. We had a fight? Yes. Our Audis had a fight in 2005? Your Audis both tried to drown each other. What? What?

In Costa Rica? Yes. So there's some sort of restraining order our Audis put out against each other? Oh, shit. Some sort of Will Kirby, Mike Boogie type of restraining order? Dang. I don't understand that reference. You don't know early 2000s Big Brother references? Ha ha ha!

All right. Well, this sounds good. I got to be honest. I wish I could switch places with Dr. Shred. But this any right now has to take a break. Can you stick around, though? Because it would be interesting to hear, you know, you speak to our next guest as well. Absolutely. All right. Well, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Miss Macy, more Asif Ali, and we're going to have a government employee. This is a back show, everyone. I hope you're enjoying it. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Asif Ali from Deli Boys on Hulu. All 10 episodes. I mean, I know you're going to want to binge these things, but savor them because another 10 aren't coming probably for another year and another 50 to 70K in the bank. But

But we also want you to watch so the algo sees it. I know. But what about, I mean, it's not even going to be back for another year. What about one every six weeks? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We can't have that. We need you to watch all of them and then maybe re-watch one every six weeks. The cabal is very happy with your work. Thank you. Oh, wow. Thank you so much. Wow, that's so flattering. I assume you're talking to me. No. She's looking right at me.

The cabal looks forward to what you have in store, Asif. Oh my God. You think I'll maybe get invited to some of the... I don't know what you're pointing at. Some of these events that Scott was telling me about. Did he freak off? Yeah, Scott was telling me about these freak offs being like, you know, he kept saying, wait until the news dies down and I'll send you an e-vite. Does Dr. Shred have freak offs?

Dr. Shred has no penis. What? Whoa! I don't know how this gets severed. Holy shit!

Dr. Shred lost his penis in a firefighting accident. Oh, my God. Why do I still have a penis then? Allegedly. Allegedly. I don't know, Scott. Take a look. Is it really there? I haven't looked at it. In years. Yeah. I guess I'm realizing now. I haven't been awake during past 5 p.m. Wow. Or looked at my penis in years. Yeah.

And you've never looked better. That's right, Sean. You're looking better. The cabal is happy. Okay, I'm so glad I'm making the cabal happy. They're very happy with your work on the podcast. Okay, they are all good. That's very flattering. The cabal looks forward to watching you blossom.

I thought I already blossomed and that's why they were happy. As in like hitting puberty, like a second puberty or something like that? Am I going to get a second penis? I guess it's interesting because, you know, when your baby teeth fall out, you get second teeth. Yeah. But no one has ever thought about if your penis is cut off, maybe you grow a second penis. Yeah. Or like a deer in the woods where the antlers fall off and then you get a new pair. Exactly. Yeah. The cabal is working on also getting you a donor for a new penis. Oh, really? That

can be a donor kind of thing. Okay, what ethnicity do you want, Scott? I mean, do I have to say? Such a great question. You do have to say. Let's just say it's a network in London. All right, let's get to our next guest. Move on from that topic. I'm already forgetting how to pronounce his last name, but he's a government employee. Please welcome Russ Saguaro.

You nailed it, Scott. Oh, shit. Russ Suhara. Hello, Russ. Good evening, sir. Good evening. It is 10.30, but good evening to you. It's evening where I come from. Oh, where's that, sir? Well, of course, Texas. Wow. It's only two hours ahead. It's the afternoon then. It's a Texas evening. Texas evening, 12.30. You're already winding down. Yeah, I'm kicking my feet up. Hello, Texas.

How you doing, sir? So nice to see you. So wonderful to meet you. And likewise. This is Miss Macy. Hello. Greetings. The cabal welcomes you. I don't know what that means, but it sounds Jewish. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, no. And that's good. I have no opinion of it. Oh, no. Didn't Madonna get into the cabal?

I guess you did. She wore that string around her. I think Demi Moore, the aforementioned Demi Moore did as well. Oh, that's right. She mentioned that on the What the Fuck podcast. But it's nice to meet you. I don't want to interrupt. No, you're a guest on the show. You're not interrupting. This is our segment for you. That's how I kind of got in here was to say I'm a guest. But I'm renting out that room.

Oh, that's right. Yes. I rented the room. Oh, okay. Yeah. My assistant took care of a lot of it, but yeah. Well, I appreciate that. I'm in LA for the, well, I work for the water company. I'm a water man.

Yes, that's right. When you work for the water company, what does that mean? Well, I work for Culligan solving water-based issues that the normal Hollywood man wouldn't be able to handle. They need a gritty man with his feet on the ground to deal with water issues. This feels like we're getting dissed right now. I mean, try us. Just because we've both been number one on...

on the call sheet. The call sheet in various shows that we've done. It's true. You can't hate us because we're beautiful. You have to give us a chance. It's really not because I was on The Huntress back in 2001 playing Phil Hagel.

A magician? That's the episode where I stopped watching The Huntress. Wow. In the middle of my scene? If they cannot cast under five, well, then what sort of attention could you tell them? This guy had ten lines at least. Oh, it was a ten line. I didn't even get to ten. It was a full scene. I didn't even get to ten. It was very traumatic for you, Scott. I had a last name and everything.

That's huge. Wow. First name is big, last name is huge. It's my understanding of the industry. Tell us about these water-based problems. Well, I don't like coming out here to California, but the job takes me where it takes me. I'm a loner and I don't want to be bothered by nobody. Okay. Why are you on this show? Well, because I'm having trouble. The Sling, I thought, had the Johnny Carson network on it, and I'm having trouble logging into your Sling. No!

and getting the Johnny Carson channel, which plays every episode of Carson. And if I'm not mistaken, a sling is the precursor to those...

Like TV box, like a Roku that you can plug in your TV. It used to be something that you could literally sling your cable box to. And now it's an app or something. Oh, I have no idea where I come from. We watch the three channels they give you. I love that. But I'm staying here in Hollywood. Have you met Ben Silvestri, by the way? He was big in the Johnny Carson thing.

festival out there. Nebraska, I believe, is where Johnny Carson is from? I don't know. I don't follow where people are from because I'm not all plugged into Du Moi or whatever. The fact that you know what Du Moi is is crazy. I don't know what that fancy thing is. It doesn't just say where people are from. It usually gossips about... That's maybe why they never print my blind items.

You're just sending du moi biographical information about stars? A certain Star Wars star lives in Calabasas. Dang. It's true. Is our water okay? Well, you know how it's all run. There's some big corporate fat cats at the top making all the money. The DWP? The Department of Water and Power. But, you know, they're paid by the Culligans.

big water. Oh, really? I didn't know. So like Arrowhead, Culligan, Nestle. Nestle. And they make such good chocolate, but their water is so shitty. Well, because you're expecting chocolate. Yeah, that's the thing. I'm like, give me a hint of chocolate. I know, I'm expecting chocolate milk. Yeah, a note of dark chalk. But even this, my social battery is drained. I'm a loner. I don't need to spend too much time around you. For a loner, you've really, you're talking a lot. And you said doing a lot, which is,

You guys are crazy. Me, I keep to myself. I just have to deal with my damn... You asked to be on this show. You wrote a letter to Scott. Well, that was mostly because I needed to get in contact with him because I'm having trouble. So I have a YouTube video on my phone, but I want to watch it on the TV. Okay, so you need some sort of way to cast... Yes, it used to be.

What you're watching is just on the TV. But now I'm trying to watch this video of Gustavo. Why don't you just watch it on your phone? Because I want it big. What's the video? Gustavo Dudamel conducts Mahler at the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Right. I love that. That's so manly of you. I love that. If you were to just watch TV, one of those things would pop up. Either Gustavo...

Dudamel, is that who it is? Or a Mahler thing, or the L.A. Philharmonic. I tried, and then I get some movie by Louis Mahler. It used to be so easy, but the world you all like is so different from the world we live in. I'm a loner. I hate my ex-wife. I hate my beautiful daughter because they sap from me all the time. I see. Do they not talk to you?

Oh, my ex-wife, I'm incredibly cruel to her, and she's still obsessed with me all the time. It is a boomer's dream. She's beautiful. She's 30 years younger than me. Oh, how old is your daughter? My daughter is 18. When did she turn 18? Oh, God.

Scott again is writing notes down right now. The cabal sends an email alerting you when someone has turned 18. Is that where those come from? So wait, your wife had your daughter when she was 12? Oh no, I'm sorry. You said she was 30 years younger than you. How old are you? I am whatever, let's see, 48. 48.

So she's 18 and has an 18-year-old daughter? That's right. And they drive me crazy. You know women. They drive me crazy because I'm just a man in the world, and every day a new woman comes along who can't solve her problems. And I'm just trying to leave town, but they're asking me to help them figure out how to get their student tickets to a UCB show. And I got to say...

You don't get student tickets for the weekend shows. You've got to sign up for the website for Herald Night or Mod Night. It used to be you could just show up and wait in line. But things are different now, Scott. I've never said this before, but TMI. Yeah. TMI about I-M-P-R-O-V. Yeah. I want you to know that the Cabal did get your application for an IMDB credit. Yeah. For what? You were in something? What were you in?

Well, I have been appearing in the background. You know those people who, maybe you don't, but they show up at La Pubelle and they film everyone going in and they say, apparently you support Danny Masterson. Oh, shit. I've heard about this. I've appeared in the background of six of those videos because I can't stop getting ice cream from Van Leeuwen two doors over. Okay, these are...

very specific la reference la well you asked me why i want to be on imdb i have now been in six videos licking up my van lewin ice cream different one every time does scientology own la poubelle yes uh i don't think this is all alleged stuff yes no yes wait scott ackerman is saying with 100 certainty on the pod that scientology owns and is working just set

that yet. They were across the street from each other and they wrote a letter. You used to know who owned what in my world. You would walk into a store and you knew that, you know. They would have a picture of the owner on the wall. Yes. The employee of the month right next to him. Now I don't know who owns what. Every company is owned by three companies. The world. It's no country for water, man. Why did La Pubelle get rid of the menus?

So you've been in recently, despite their stance on Danny Masterson. The cabal goes and eats there regularly. Oh, okay. Do they have like a discount? They do, but they don't have steak dinner anymore, which is so frustrating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't have it at the time you're going in? Yeah, they don't have it at 9 a.m. when I wanted it. Oh, 9 a.m., yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually...

May I, will you get me a water real quick, please? Oh, me? Just for a quick moment. Ten seconds. Sure. Okay. That's okay. It's right over there. The kitchen's right over there. Scott, also. Yeah. Russ Saguaro. On her way in, she dropped a little remote that I think if I click it will bring your...

- My Audi? - To here. - Oh shit. - It'll click the little thing in your brain. - The switch? - It'll switch you. I heard about Dr. Shred and I really want to meet the guy. - I would love to. - I wanna meet Dr. Shred too. - Yeah. - Click it if you guys want. - I mean, my guy's pretty boring, but I'll take it. - I feel like if you click it for both of us that we're gonna, we have these restraining orders against each other. - We might hit it off. - Do you want some trail mix? - Why is everyone talking about my stale trail mix?

I didn't know if that was a euphemism. It's just... Could you... No, not that water. I have this thing called Circle, C-I-R-K-U-L. I want you to put that in the bottle and I can change the strength of the flavor. You are very L.A. You're a Texas loner. Well, I'm a water man.

I mean, you came in with a tote bag. Oh, yeah. A Gelson's tote bag. I subscribe to the Gelson's monthly newsletter. Because I want to... I'm trying to get dragon fruit. You have a KCRW hat on. Oh, yeah. Hey, hi. Hi. What's up? Hi, sorry. Here's a trail map for you. All right. Click.

Hey! Dr. Shred here. Dr. Shred, hi. You are in your Audi's podcast room. I figured that the minute I saw what's going on in this place. Oh, no. Oh, God. His Audi's here. Oh, my God. I messed up. Did somebody ask for a dirt shirt? No, come on.

Hey, motherfucker! What are you doing here? Hey, fuck you! I thought I killed you in Costa Rica, you dumb bitch! You couldn't kill me, motherfucker! Oh, round two, you cheesy son of a bitch!

Hold it back, Miss Basie. Hold it back, Miss Basie. Everybody stop fighting. Oh, shit. That was nuts. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. Hey, what are you doing here? Yeah, you want some dirt, you dumb bitch? No, I want some dip. Do you know where some dip is? Why did all of you lose your necks? No one can see this, but everyone's shoulders got a lot higher.

It's a different physicality for Dr. Shred. I'm a method actor. What can I say? Thank God you said ud after meth. It looks like you all did it now. Do we make the same jokes, be my other guy? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, no. My kids. My kids. My kids. My kids.

Oh, thank God I don't have kids. No, actually, right now you do have one. Have you known anything about me, motherfucker? Yeah, fuck this guy. Why are you all so aggressive? I brought you here. I'm just a simple man. Oh, wait a minute. I see what your character is based on now. This trail mix is stale. Oh, yeah. Well, let me get you a fresh trail mix. I think I played God a little too much. What does this remote do?

Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, I'm back. Oh, my God. I messed up so bad. What happened? I don't know. What happened? You guys. What happened while we were gone? We got reintegrated. I apologize. You can see that both of your shirts are ripped and your nice little body. My shoulders are really far down. My neck feels like... I feel like...

Wow. You'll notice your mouth is a little dry from a stale trail mix. Yeah, I have a really bad taste in my mouth. It went crazy in here. I brought your, I'm really having trouble tracking this, your Audis into here. Dr. Shred was here? And he was awesome. I bet. He was awesome. The soil guy was here? Yeah, Dirt Shirt. What is his name, by the way? His name is Dirt Shirt.

His name is... His name is his catchphrase. Dirt. Dirt is his nickname. Oh, like, well, anywho. But his real name is Buck Mason. Oh, Buck Mason. I started the t-shirt. Now that's when clothes used to be clothes. Yeah. Back then in 2024. Back then when it started on Shark Tank. Yeah.

And so we were changed, but obviously Miss Macy here. We got her Audi as well. Oh, no. You couldn't hear it on mic, but she immediately put her hand on both of the guys in her thighs. Oh, no. I didn't suck in Miss Dick, did I? In the past, every time my Audis come, it sucked so many dicks. I don't know that I have a dick. Fair. Oh, jeez. God, thank you.

Thank God. I can't afford another kid, so I hope it was just a beach. It was not. I held everybody back from each other. Your Audi was doing the thing dogs do where they keep humping where there's not a dog there but for a blowjob. And I didn't know really how to pull her back. Yeah, real pick-me behavior. I wasn't begging for a doggy style, was I? Oh, gosh. I wouldn't call that doggy style. It was...

I'm so embarrassed. This happens to me all... You guys cannot tell the cabal. This would be so bad for me on my birthday. Why do you have that remote anyway? Anyone can press that. What the fuck? It's supposed to... I...

I was supposed to give it to the head honcho, but I forgot. The head honcho? Yeah, the head honcho of the cabal. George Clooney. George Clooney. George Cloondog. This makes sense. Does he play a lot of pranks at the cabal? He's so silly and funny. Does he play basketball a lot too? So much basketball. He can slam dunk on a four foot rim. You know, he's Richard Kynes.

Really? What? Yeah, he was Richard Kind's roommate. Where? Where? In college or something. Where did they go to school? Richard Kind and George Clooney went to college at the same time? Yeah, and you know that Al Gore was Tommy Lee Jones' roommate. What? What? Did you know that Opry... Opry? Opry? Opry and...

Ellen? Mm-hmm. They were roommates for a while. They were roommates? Yeah. You know, if we're lucky, George Clooney, if we become friends with him, he'll give us a briefcase of a million dollars on his birthday. That's right. If we're one of his top 12 friends or something. Yeah. By the way, he's so much richer now. I know. This is the smart thing about George Clooney. Oh, my God. He realizes he's going to have hundreds of millions of dollars in the future, so he gives all of his friends like a million. A measly million. That is so funny. Wait. Miss Macy, is that still you, or is this...

Oh my god, no, did I give it away? No. I just want to suck someone's dick. You didn't change back? You have to click her back out. I just want to suck someone's dick. Well, hang on. Let's see where this is going. No, hit the button. Hey, come on, man. You live at Scott's house. You can't have that kind of nasty shit happening here. In my day, if a lady offered a blowjob, it was a denial. All right, I'll hit it. I'll hit it.

Gosh, oh no. That got close. What just happened? You almost sucked this dude's dick. I couldn't get it hard. I apologize. It was too overwhelming. It was too overwhelming. That's not really what happened. We asked you to hit the button. I didn't realize there was...

That's why I let you as I was embarrassed. Oh my gosh. I can hold a button. That was so bad. You guys, I'm going to get fired for sure. No, no. I know it's your first day and you've only been working about two hours a day. And you haven't been invited to a steak brunch yet. First days at work. You're doing okay. They're usually overwhelming the first day at work. They don't track this kind of stuff of when our Audis and Nannies switch places or anything. This wasn't recorded or anything, was it? I mean.

I mean, this is kind of a podcast that we're going to release, I think. But those people won't listen. No, no one would listen to it. Okay, phew. Yeah, no one listens to podcasts in the cabal. Certainly not Dr. Shred. No, no, no, no, no. He doesn't have time for stupid podcasts. Yeah, Buck Mason doesn't have the time between his eight kids to listen to a podcast. Yeah, and his three cars. And his three cars, three small cars.

Or I just buy one giant one. Yeah, or I could just buy a van. Maybe that's for the future. Yeah. Hey, how come you weren't severed? He was severed. Oh, yeah, he was severed. Did you switch? I haven't told you about your... Because you were a landman during the... I turned into a landman. Why do you remember everything? I guess my Audi is landman. And why do you remember when... Paramount Plus is landman? Oh, no!

Yeah, I've kind of integrated a little more with my unconscious. Because you don't have your IMDb page yet. Yeah, I'm not fully there. He's not fully done with his surgeries. How are we on that IMDb page? We're working on it. The cabal is welcoming you. Yeah, we will get there.

I know people who's like funnier die videos from 15 years ago. They started putting porn on. No, they didn't. Really? If you watch it or if you're in it. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Whoa, Scott, you are rising in the ranks. My star meters through the roof.

Well, look, Russ, did we get to your thing? I had a blast. I mean, really, all I really wanted to do was get Johnny Carson on the slip. I'll see what I can do. I apologize.

I apologize for this. It seems like we took a left turn here, but we are running out of time. I apologize. We really, unfortunately, only have time for one final feature on the show, and that, of course, is a little something called plugs. Yeah. Yeah.

It's me, Bridget Jones, from Bridget Jones' Diary. It was a typical English morning. Welcome to the sounds of plugs. Wow. Wow, that was Love Bridge by Alex Shattuck. Thank you, Alex Shattuck, for that wonderful plug submission. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can be famous for a week. And Alex, you are famous for a week.

And speaking of being famous, our guest of honor, of course, is rocketing to fame. Yes. Number one on the call sheets. What do you want to plug off, Asif? Okay, so Deli Boys is out on Hulu right now. And if you're in England, it's on Disney Plus. And if you're outside of that internationally, it's on Hotstar.com.

And I'm also going to go on tour doing stand-up starting April. You can find all the dates on my Instagram page. That's at Ali Comedy, A-L-I Comedy. All right. And where are you going in your tour? I'm going... We're adding dates as they go along. But this first batch, we have San Diego. We have Dallas. We have Philly. We have...

Charlotte, and Chicago. Some great cities. Yes. And there's no better time out at the theater than seeing Ossoff do stand-up comedy. Make sure you check out that and Deli Boys. All right, Miss Macy, what do you plug? My Audi loves to listen to Comedy Bang Bang World. Oh, I love your Audi. My Audi loves This Book Changed My Life. Hey, Randy.

And going deep. Wow. Along with other good shows on said podcast platform. That's right. My Audi loves the Instagram handle at

Oh, okay. I've been there a couple of times, wherever I can find it. It's like an escape room trying to find this Instagram handle. When you spell it correctly, an incredible profile will pop up. Yeah, but it's so hard to do. But it's very hard to find. And there is another one. There are two Lily Sullivans. So there's one Lily Sullivan that's really...

Hot and young. What does she do? She's an actor. She was in things like, what was it again? She's actually in an upcoming movie, Megan 2. She's in Megan 2. My friend is in Megan 2. Who's your friend? Aristotle Atari. Oh, Aristotle. He's also in Megan 2. He's a part of the cabal. Oh, shit. Wow. He's grandfathered in, yeah. So which one of them is going to have to change their name? Has that come up yet? It's probably going to be the shorter, uglier, older one. Okay.

Older too. I didn't realize. She's all of those things. Wow. So when you search in Instagram the name Lily Sullivan, just go one down and you'll find her. She's shorter. She's smaller. Do you think the comedian one gets a lot of like, wow, what a hot girl to do comedy and then disappointed when...

I have that with the other Asif Ali. Yeah, there is another actor who's Asif Ali. Same spelling, same everything. Way more famous South Asian actor. You have to really, you have to add comedy to it when you're Googling Asif Ali. So go to the second one. Same thing. I'm shorter. Wow.

That's so exciting for you. Yeah. Are you on IMDb Asif Ali too? No, he's not in SAG because he works in India. So I have that. I don't have to change my name. Thank God. I would have changed it to Buck Mason. I would have done it. The cabal loves you. Thank you. All right, Russ, what are you plugging here? Well,

Go ahead. Clear your throat. Do whatever you need to do in order to... I smoke my cigarettes and I drink my Tom Holland's non-alcoholic Biro. So it does... Is that good? It's incredible. It's beer without the alcohol. Wow. Seems like the only reason people...

the taste of beer is... To get a buzz. Not in Texas. In Texas, you just want to have the beer in hand and we're all grateful for Tom Holland for creating a non-alcoholic beer that you can drink at concerts. You sound like a drag.

I sound like a drag? Yeah, just like hanging out with you in Texas. But I know you don't even want it. You're a loner. I wouldn't want to hang, Scott. I love an 11th hour takedown. You have an 18-year-old ex-wife and an 18-year-old daughter, which I don't know how it's possible. 36-year-old ex-wife, 18-year-old daughter. My ex-wife was 18 when we met. No, but you're 48.

And you're 30 years older than him. Someone's going to jail. We just don't know. Not by Texas law. The cabal will protect you. I'm in. I'll plug Russ Saguaro Hollywood. That's my Instagram. That's where you can get all my reviews of Southern Houses.

And then go check out those La Pubelle videos, obviously. What flavors do you have when you're in the Van Leeuwen? Vegan cookies and cream. Right. Okay. It's disgusting. No milk. She had a night out with you.

A horrific time. She does have non-alcoholic drinks. A Biro and a non-alcoholic... Well, a Biro and a vegan cookies and cream is my kind of night. You seem like a guy who would hate vegan stuff. Oh, no. Well, I don't like the fake meats. Don't try to trick me. But if I'm somewhere like... What if they're not trying to trick you and they're just open and honest about what it is? That's what things used to be like. That's what it used to be like. It's all different now, Scott. Oh, God.

Do you have anything else you want to plug? At DanLippertCool is another Instagram. Go to the CBB World. What is it? Presents? CBB Presents, yeah. For Bill Walton's podcast, Eat, Pray, Dunk, where him and Mark Rennie are writing a pilot called Entourage, A-U-N-T-O-R-A-G-E. Tracking that.

And hey, Randy. And then go to biggrandewebsite.com for podcasts or listen to the Man Dog Pod for improv and conversation podcasts. Oh, wonderful. These are all good plugs. Thank you. I want to plug, they mentioned CBB World. Go out, head out there for all of your comedy needs. You have every episode of Comedy Bang Bang as well as every live episode we ever did.

We also have shows like The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, Scott Hasn't Seen. We're in the middle of month month right now, which is so exciting, where every movie has a different month in the title. Oh, yeah.

Cool. I believe we just watched, what did we just watch? April Fool's Day, and we have September 5 coming up this Friday. Wow, these sound like great movies. Yeah, we also watched, what was it, Sweet November with Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves. I don't think I have ever watched a movie with a month in it that...

I remember liking. Really? Yeah. So you're not a fan of Born on the Fourth of July, a story about one of our great wonderful patriots. I mean, yes. I think that's the only one. That's the only one, I think. Is there another one you can think of? What about The Hunt for Red October?

Okay. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. Okay, I take it back. My whole stance is wrong and I apologize on air. I'd love to have you on next year's month month. What about May, December? We unfortunately have seen that. That covers two months. Yeah, that's the ideal month month movie, but unfortunately I saw it.

But you can check out all those shows over at cbbworld.com. Also, while you're over there, you can get our new action figures, the Randy and Carissa action figures. They're on sale now. Get them to complete your set. They are available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com.

with free shipping with a U.S. address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfigureseller.com. Also Sprague and Big Sue, I believe, are still available. And tour exclusives of J.W. Stillwater and Scott Aukerman are also available. All righty, let's close up the old plug bag. Open the plug bag with me! Open up, open up, open up, open up bag.

All right. Yes, that was Open Up the Plug Bag by Ty Ty. Thank you to Ty Ty.

And guys, I want to thank you so much. Awesome. So wonderful to meet you and continue success to you. And I hope that you never slip down lower than five on any other call sheet you're ever on. I swear to God, if it ever happens to me, you'll see me on the news. And I expect you to call me the minute you hear about your renewal. Yeah. The exclusive will be a CBB exclusive. I will let you know. I love that. Don't clear it through Hulu or my lawyers or anything. It'll be a huge legal battle, but it'll be worth it. I love that. Um,

Miss Macy, thank you so much for being here. Scott. Yes. It has been so exciting and pleasurable to talk about your Audi. Thank you so much. I enjoyed hearing about it. I enjoy, I guess I didn't meet him, but he sounds cool. But your Audi doesn't read. Oh. Oh, whoa, bomb at the end of the show. Wow. Your Audi. Dr. Shred doesn't read. Dr. Shred doesn't read. That doesn't sound like Dr. Shred. What the fuck?

Your Audi doesn't vote. Doesn't vote? That makes more sense. That fully tracks. It's hard to get down to a major town. From Vail all the way to a voting box? More like a ski to a voting booth. And if you're in Costa Rica, you got to go to the U.S. Embassy. That makes sense. Your Audi is gluten free. Okay. Why does he have a body like this then? And Russ Suaro emailed it.

Did we get to your thing? I feel like I... Oh, I had a blast, Scott. There's no thing for me. You're basically a landman. Well, I'm a water man. Yeah, but I haven't seen that either. I'm a man's man. I wish people would stop coming on the show doing parodies of things I haven't seen. Well, you don't need the content. You gotta be like Asif over here, like, you know, give me a good two hours between booking and...

and being on the show where I can catch up on the thing. You don't need the context to understand me, Scott. I exist on my own. I'm a simple water man. Speaking of water, I don't use these newfangled bidets, so I'm going to uninstall the one in my room and just dip my butt in the toilet water when I'm done, like we used to do in Texas. Please don't.

Please dip your butt wherever you like, just outside of the house. By the way, how much are you paying Scott to rent this room? Let's see. Carry the three. Yeah, because he said yearly divided by 12. So I just gave him a yearly and then he's dividing it. And then I'm going to divvy it up and we'll just see how long you're here. So his YTD is about 140K. Holy shit. But that's Culligan's money. Sure, yeah, Culligan's paying for this. You don't mind. You're a simple waterman. I don't need much.

All right. Well, speaking of not needing much, we are out of time. We have to go, but we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Adios. Don't shoot.

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