Ben Schwartz, Bobby Moynihan, Ryan Gaul
01:18:47 Share

Your boyfriend took our money and dipped. From producer Issa Rae. How we gonna make $1,500 by six? You bought this, okay? On January 17th. You went alone? Don't do it. I've never seen a credit score this low. What if we combine our scores? Kiki Palmer is having one of them days. First the rent, and then Alomo's trying to kill us. SZA is having one of them days. She's on. She is stealing the same day. Alyssa, run! Oh, man.

One of Them Days. Directed by Lawrence Lamont. Exclusively in theaters January 17th. Rated R. Under $17.99 without fare.

When you need mealtime inspiration, it's worth shopping fries for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouthwatering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings. Fries, fresh for everyone. Fuel restrictions apply.

Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy Bang Comedy bang Comedy bang Comedy bang Comedy bang Comedy bang Comedy bang Comedy bang Comedy bang comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy I

The clothes may make the man, but the ham don't make the spam. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, thank you to Ham, Hamming It Up, but it's Ham, Minnesota, the abbreviation for Minnesota. Ham, Hamming It Up.

Thank you to Hamming It Up for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. First episode of 2025. We did it another year. Another year in the books. Yep. One more fear. Every year we get one more fear. This time I'm afraid of clowns. What about you? Oh, really? Sure. I'm afraid of big spiders, not small spiders.

Oh, so what do you think of Spider-Man? Very terrifying. The fact that I have to write his adventures, his continuing adventures, is me just trying to dive into my fears. But Spider-Boy, you're fine with because he's smaller. Oh, yeah. He's small, yeah. The big ones that are about approximately, I'm looking at your giant head right here. I'm not that big of a head.

Really? Yeah. I don't think so. Compared to people in the city? I don't think so. Compared to people in the city? I feel like to be a big movie star, you got a big head. I don't have that. To people in the... So you have a country-sized head, you think? I got like a... Yeah, I got a country bumpkin head. You see my head on like the side selling pumpkins, you know what I mean? Yeah, I can see that. And the pumpkins are bigger than my head. Yeah, that's right. Let me introduce you in a second. We have a great show for you today. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Coming up a little later, we have a...

We have a celebrity sibling. What? That's pretty exciting, yes. I love celebrity siblings. Celebrity sibling. We also have a pet groomer a little bit later, so very exciting show. And this gentleman, he's been on every first episode of the calendar year, not fiscal year, for perhaps a decade. We're not keeping track. Someone's got to be. I think it's a decade. Every year we do this, we wonder how long we've been doing it, and I never look it up.

Never. And then we come here and we should be like, we've been doing it for a blank amount of years. And it's probably something we can even ask ChatGPT. Sure. Why wouldn't we? Here, let's ask, excuse me, ChatGPT. Yes. How long have Ben and I been doing this? Give me a second. How long do you need? I don't know why it needs. Are we on hold now? What is. Can we get these results quicker next? Hello? Hello. Sorry, I took a shit. Who's this? You took it.

You took like a virtual shit? I took a micro bit. A micro, okay, a micro bit. Okay, time. So, Scott, yeah, I was asking how long Ben and I have been doing this for? Long time, my man. Okay, that's not specific, ChatGPT. Ask me what's orange in the room. Okay, what in this room is orange? I can't see your room, dude. Okay, good, I'm glad about that. I can only take things that have happened in the past and put them together and give you a new answer. So, what do you want to know? Okay, what voice are you doing right now, ChatGPT? Because it sounds a little...

Okay. Okay, it's a robot voice. I just wanted to check. Okay. Hello? Hello, yes. What song is this, ChachiPT? Why can't you tell me what song you're actually singing? That's the swimming level of Mario. Okay.

Welcome back. 10 years. 10 years! Amazing. 10 years. 10 great years. I remember the first time we did this, you said, this won't last, and it did. And unfortunately, it lasted. He is my sort of... Yeah, big intro. Here we go. Honorary co-host for this tradition... Once a year. ...of the first episode of the year. You know him. He first burst onto the scene... Yeah. ...in a show called...

House of Pies that was on Showtime. But you didn't burst onto the scene before then. I wouldn't say burst onto the scene with that. Some rando asshole who would pop up in things every once in a while. So you've seen me in other things, but you don't want to acknowledge them? I couldn't even tell you what they are. Really? Yeah, no idea what you... But just a rando asshole. Just an R.A.,

Just zipping through my TV screen every once in a while. All right. And then, of course, he became very well known as Joe Mouth on the Parks or Recreation show. John Ralphio, which is what you were talking about before when you said zipping through like an asshole, I'm assuming. John Ralphio and Parks and Rec. That was before House of Pies? Yeah, it was before House of Pies. Okay. It was before Undercovers. You want to talk about Undercovers? I don't even know what that is. Shh.

I think you came on the show to talk about Undercovers once. Could be. And I bet you made fun of me then. And I watched it. I get no respect. You ever hear my character, Rodney Dingerfield? Oh, no. Let's hear it a little bit. I get no respect. Ding. Doesn't Rodney Dingerfield... Yesterday, my wife came in the room. She looked at me. She said, what is that, a pecker? And I said, ding.

I said, dang. I get no respect. I always pull my bow tie. I get no respect. Oh, you were pulling your bow tie. Yesterday, I went to the golf course, and they said, you're not allowed here. And I said, why? Because I'm Jewish? They said, no, because you're bad at golf. Dang. So they don't let people on golf courses who are bad at golf? So you know that sometimes. Like a general aptitude test. You know, yesterday, I went home, and my dog shows me no respect. They had no respect for my dog. I thought you were a dog. Huh? Aren't you a dog? Nobody.

I'm thinking of the Rodney Dangerfield dog. Rodney Dingerfield. I'm thinking of Rodney Doggerfield. What am I thinking of? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yesterday my dog came up to me and chatted. He came up and pulled his leg up and he looked at me and said, not you. I get no respect thing.

But now he is in movies. He's a movie star. Yes. He is the voice, as we know, of Bubonic the Ledge Dog. Sonic the Hedgehog. Not Bubonic. Which, of course, came out last month and just rocked. In 1991, it was a video game, and we've done three of them. I'm talking about the movie that just came out, Idiot. Okay.

I'm not going through the entire history of Bubonic the Ledge Dog. It's called Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't care. The third one came out December 20th in the States. December 20th in the States. You saw it. You loved it. You gave it your five-star review. That's right. Out of 100. And he is here now to just enjoy. I'm here now because we have to do it every year until we pass away. You think we're going to do this until we pass away? And I'm almost certain you die first. I know how you die. You know how?

Old age, ding. I love that, but you're going to die at young age. Ding. I'm too young. I'm Benjamin Button. Oh, no, no, I'm becoming too young. Please welcome him. It's the elegant Mr. S. It's Benny Schwab. Benny, uh, himself. Ben Schwartz is here. Hi, everybody. Ben Schwartz here, keeping the tradition alive. Here we go. Another hour and a half of fun and adventure. What are we going to talk about? Thank you so much for plugging the... Oh, by the way, can we plug the... We'll do it at the end. Ben Schwartz and friends is touring right now. I don't care.

Right. It's just you shit on me every time I come and you never get real information out. So by the time it's over... You get your real information out as we go along. Yeah, but by the end, after the song, nobody listens. They shut it off. By the way, you're always touring, so it's not like a special thing where you're like, hey, we're touring now. I get no respect for anything. You're always touring. Why don't you have a home? Ding. Yeah, seriously. Why are you not home? I only leave for one weekend a month. I planned it so I just tour the whole year, but only one weekend a month. What do you do the other... You just play video games around your house? I just play video games. Ding. One time I played Sonic. Sonic looked at me. He said, what are you doing? Stop this. That's my line. I get no...

Dude, isn't it funny that you used to play... Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic. A little too. And honestly, I really do think. You used to play the Sonic video game. Yes. And you were just a wee young lad pulling your pud around the house. What is pulling my pud? Pulling my dick? Pulling my dick around? Pulling your little dick around the house. What does pud mean? When have you ever said pud? Talk to me like you talk to one of your French girls. You never talk to me like a human being.

Talk to me like I'm a guest you respect. Madame was it? Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I was going to talk to you like a French girl. A guest you respect? Yeah. Name something. Pretend I'm Jon Hamm. Go. Talk to me like Jon Hamm. I talk to Jon Hamm like this. It's a sickness. No, you don't. I've seen you talk to Jon Hamm. But you used to play this video game. Mm-hmm.

And used to go like, ooh, left, right, up, jump, pow. Hit the buttons. Up makes you look up, yeah. You look up when you press up. You crouch down when you press down. Okay. And then suddenly cut to, smash cut to, in fact. Smash Brothers cut to. Smash Brothers cut to. Years and years later, you're playing the voice of this character that you used to control with your joystick. Now you control with your vocal cords. That's really, this is the first time you've ever asked a real question. Where's the end of the question?

What does it feel like? Does that suck or is it? No, it doesn't suck. It's a dream come true. Dream come true. Really? Think about me as a little boy pulling my putt. I can't believe you got me to say it. Pulling my putt around the house. Playing that video game. Loving it. Loving video games all together. And then all of a sudden I get to be the way that

kids are introduced to this character at this stage, which is incredible. Do you think the kids first see the movie and then play the video game, or is it usually the other way around? There's all sorts of different versions, but I think some kids, this is the first time seeing it, then they go see the cartoons, then they see the video games. Do you think some kids see the poster first? What are you doing? And then they go play the video game for five minutes. It's a big

put it down. It's a huge movie and I get to be in it. I've seen one poster. I've played this video game for five minutes. Can we just walk outside the theater and I can just listen to people laughing inside? I don't think it's illegal to talk about that. It's your past. You've done it as an adult, right? Pull my putt? What does that mean?

You've worked it, you know? Tell me what you're trying to say. Are you trying to say jerk off? I mean, I'm trying not to be as crass as that. I'm trying to say pulling your butt. Pulling your butt is literally just as bad. When was the last time you pulled your butt? What do you watch when you pull your butt? What do I watch? Yeah, I want to know exactly what your search words are when you pull your butt. I watched the videotape that I made of myself the last time I did it.

So wait, but then you're not making a new videotape. No, I made a videotape the very first time I ever did it. I had to think about it. I don't know what I thought about that time. And then I've watched the previous videotape every single time. Right, right, right. So you watched that. So then you film yourself. Talk about your Big Bang Theory. Young Sheldon, let's bring him into the mix, of course. What?

What do you mean, of course? How young? Nobody's asking to bring Young Sheldon in. How young should Sheldon have been? Because that show- I'm really happy we did it. The third one has Keanu Reeves, Idris Elba, Jim Carrey. The third Young Sheldon has Keanu Reeves. No, this has nothing to do with Young Sheldon, of course. Let's not bring him in, of course. So, like, here's the deal. Young Sheldon gets too old. Adam Pally has done this show, hasn't he? We gotta cancel this Young Sheldon show. Jim Carrey plays two different roles. Should they have made him, like, just even two- What's your favorite Jim Carrey movie? My favorite Jim Carrey movie? Number 13.

I think it was number 23. Oh, okay. I was always subtracting 10 from it. What's your favorite Disney movie? Someone brought this up the other day to me and someone said Lilo and Stitch. Is that your favorite one? Well,

who brought this up to you? Like what? You're, you're in a grown adult man in his forties. What I did is I asked you a question you could have answered. Instead, you take a piece of shit and you push it up my nose so all I can smell is your fucking feces in my nose. What's your favorite Disney movie? You're asking about 10 year olds pulling their pud and fucking this. This is adult conversation. This is not adult conversation. Nobody talks about it like this. This is a podcast. I asked what your favorite Disney movie is. It's a layup of an answer. What? Name 50 Disney movies. What? Okay.

There's got to be at least that many, right? Well, you said Song of the South is your favorite. No. You said that 20 times. No, I'm the one who put that in the vault. You put that in the vault? Yeah. Who gets to take those out of the vault, by the way? I know. That one's been in so long. Have you ever been in the vault? Oh, my God. I used to work at Disneyland. We passed by the vault once, and they were like, this is where we put all the videotapes that we don't want anyone to see.

That's not true, is it? Yeah. No, it was right there. It's like, you know that Price is Right game? Wait, stop looking me in the eyes. Is it true? Yeah. You know the Price is Right game where it has the giant wheel and the safe cracker thing? Yeah. It looks exactly like that. It's not true. This is false. But it's a facial recognition. What do you miss most about working at Disneyland? So I put the goofy mask up there. I'm asking you real questions so people can learn about you. What's your favorite part about Disneyland that you miss? Probably this general vibe. You're so bad. You're bad at this.

Maybe it is with me. Oh, big cough. You shut it off for your cough. Everybody, he coughed. I hope you can hear it on my microphone. Oh, so sorry I coughed. You've never coughed in your life? I have not yet once coughed. You've never coughed? I've had the same thing in my chest. Let me hear what it would sound like if you could. Tossed. Tossed. Tossed. Almost. Tossed. You're halfway there. Tossed. Learn to fly. What is that from Wicked? That's from Wicked. Wicked. What is your Wicked? Have you seen Wicked yet?

I have seen Wicked. You know that Wicked was a big release from 2024, but it's 2025. But we are 2025. We're talking about Wicked Part 2. Oh, yeah. Wicked Part 2. Is it coming out this year? Who knows? Who knows at this point? Don't tell me. No spoilers. Give me one hint about what's going to happen in 2025. 2025. Okay. One hint. Okay. January 6th. Some interesting stuff's going on. No, no, no. Again? Again?

Again? Yep. I'll be there. Will you be there? No, of course not. Come on. Come on. Are you talking about to go to D.C.? Sure. D.C. Delclose Marathon. No, it's D.C.M. Oh, so wait, hold up. Are you going to D.C.M. on January 6th? On January 6th, yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about... No, it's not at the Capitol. Coming up in a few short days. There's not a UCB at... There's not a UCB in D.C. Okay. What do you mean, okay? Okay.

Tell me exactly what you're doing on January 6th. Exactly what I'm doing? Yes. January 6th. What are you doing? You're hearing LA. Wake up. No, I'm not. Wake up. Little Susie, wake up. No. I was doing the Korn one. I was doing the wake up Little Susie. Wake up. You wanted to.

Oh, corn. I thought you were spelling that with a frontwards K. No, this is a backwards K. This is the backwards K. Okay, I understand. This is like Toys R Us R. Yes. Remember Joffrey and the other giraffes? What's a sewing? What's a sewing? What's a sewing? What's a sewing from Toys R Us?

I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid. There's lots of stuff that I can play with. No, there's a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with. From bikes to planes to video games. It's the biggest toy store there is. Gee whiz. I don't want to grow up because if I did.

I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid. I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid. I shouldn't be a Toys R Us kid. I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid. I cannot be a Toys R Us kid. We should save this for the solo bolo one day. Yes. Which already happened. We had a solo bolo, obviously. A lot of people are calling it, you said, the best solo bolo that's ever boloed ho-ho-holoed. That was maybe not a compliment, or at least a backhanded one.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ben, what is 2025 have in store for you? It's January. Do you have any resolutions? Oh, great question. My resolution. What's the most annoying thing about yourself that you wish you could change? Excuse me? What's the most annoying? I have a list right here, but I want to know. I don't want to hear your list. You've shit on me this entire episode. I don't need you to hear. No, I love you. What? I love you. Holy shit. Stop. This is real. I love you. Are you? Who are you looking at?

I'm looking right in your eyes right now. Okay. Say my name. Can't do it. You can't do it. I can't, but Ben, I love you. There you go. There, Ben, I love you. I love you, Scott. We sometimes say it at the end of episodes, but never at the beginning. What are your resolutions this year? Oh, man, I'm trying to add 50 pounds of mass. Yeah, yeah, muscle mass. I want to try to add 50 pounds of mass. I have some protein powder that I could- Yes, I'm trying to get it in my toes. I want-

It's not a powder. It's more of a goo that I've been collecting. You've brought this up already. I'm not going to suck on your semen cum. What? Your semen cum is what you're calling it. My esky. What did you say? My esky. Your semen cum. Look, Ben. What's your resolution?

What's my congratulations? What's your resolution? What's my resolution? I want to take my 50 pounds of muscle mass and I'm going to give it to you. I would take it, dude. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great if we could switch bodies? Imagine if my toes were 50 pounds stronger. If we could Freaky Friday each other. Just our toes? Just our toes. Your huge toes and my tiny, tiny little ones? Yes, I would love that. Oh my God. And then you would be walking around with my big toes. I'd be walking around with your tiny toes. Can you imagine how fucking weighted down I'd be? Freaky Friday toe style!

What movie should we do together? It has to be a movie that's come out. What movie do you think you and I, without being a bit, what movie do you think you and I could do well together? I would really love to do something like Another 48 Hours with you. Oh, like the sequel to 48 Hours. Yeah, the sequel to something that everyone loved that everyone came up with. Another 48 Hours. Yeah. Do you think we can do, if we were playing Transcendental, you would definitely be Steve Martin and I'd be John Candy. Yeah. Yeah. Did you say Transcendental what?

Planes, trains, and automobiles? Planes, trains, and I've never heard of this movie. You've never seen planes, trains, and automobiles? I've heard of planes. Yeah, have you heard of trains? In passing. Do you know who Steve Martin is? Yeah. That guy who goes, Hickory dickory dock, King Tut fell off the clock. I would love to do a buddy comedy with you. Let's do it. Where we fight all the time. Okay. And then...

at the end we learn some grudging respect for each other maybe we shoot like 100 people during it what if we were two sheep and it was an animated movie oh I would love that I was a black sheep you were a white sheep cast I think that's appropriation but we can both be white sheep like the black sheep of the family but I'm still white this makes sense yeah I would love this makes sense now this makes sense I would love to be cast in an animated movie with you people who are making cartoons out there okay Ben do they listen to the podcast

they listen to the podcast more than anyone, I would think. I think you're out there casting Ben. He's the voice of Sonic. Ben now has a contingency. We need to do it together. Okay, now if they said, hey, you know what? Like, we need not Scott's voice. Give me, so Scott has different types of voices. He does. So I'm going to give you a character and you give me the voice that you are. Here we go. You're a wily squirrel.

Okay. How wily on a scale of one to ten? That's a great question. You need to know that. You're seven out of ten wily. Seven out of ten. So I'm not like as wily as I could be. That's very wily. Not as wily as maybe a coyote, wily coyote. I think wily coyote. Wily coyote. What is he, a nine out of ten, would you say? I would say, well, then what's more wily than wily coyote? That's a good point. Maybe he's just a full ten out of ten. Okay. Seven out of ten. I'm a wily squirrel who's obsessed with mathematics. Okay. Here we go. Go.

Here it is. And you can name yourself while doing the impression. Okay. Hello, everybody. Stop. It sounds like you're doing Wile E. Coyote's voice the two times. I know. I couldn't get Wile E. Coyote out of my head. Okay, so let's wipe it clean. Okay. I'm not even thinking of Wile E. Coyote anymore. You are a rabbit, right? I'm a rabbit. But it's not rabbit season, and you're always chomping on a carrot. Okay, here we go.

I'm Wile E. Coyote. You even said Wile E. Coyote. Oh, no, did I? You did. I think I heard it as it came out of my mouth. No, everybody listening can clearly tell you. I was leading you to Bugs Bunny and you still went Wile E. Coyote. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. I think I just... Okay, you can't do that voice. Okay. Do Bill Cosby.

No. Okay. You can't do that voice. Okay. You can't do that voice. Okay. Do Putty from Seinfeld. Putty from Seinfeld. Yes. We all know Putty. Of course. He was married to Elaine. Was he married to Elaine? In real life? Yeah.

Yeah, in real life. No, he wasn't married to Elaine in real life. He also does the voice for Soaring Over California. He's not married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Putty? I don't think so. I think in this show... That's not how he got that job. No, I think in the show Seinfeld. Then how did he get that job? What are you talking about? The acting job? What job? The job on Seinfeld. If he wasn't married? Yeah, he was married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Is that true? Yeah. Google that. ChatGPT? Yes.

Was Putty married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Hold one second. Hold one second. Mom, I gotta take a shit. I know, just let me take a shit. This is taking so long for us to talk to each other. Okay, yeah, what do you need? Did you...

What do I need? I asked you already, Chad. Come on. I got things to do. I have to do this for 100 people. Was putty married? 100 people. That's not a lot. Not a lot of people using this. It's more than like if I had 100 customers to take care of. You're wasting your time. All right. Was putty married to Julia Louis- 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101,

Yes, putty from... What other putty? Silly putty? I thought I taught a putty tat, I guess. No, not married to the one. Oh, okay. I got your answer. Okay, what's the answer? He did do the voice of Soren over California in Disneyland. Okay, that's not what I was asking. I think he did it Elaine on the show, and I think that's where you're getting confused. Is this still ChatGPT? This is ChatGPT.

Ask me anything. I know all the wonders of the world. Name anything. Okay, what? I know all the wonders of the world. What are the seven wonders of the world? Egypt, pyramids, Great Wall of China. Egypt, pyramids, Great Wall of China. Little man on top of a tip-tap-toe. Little man on top of a tip-tap-toe. 101, 101, 101, 101, 101.

Okay, well, that was fruitless. I don't know. I'm pretty sure he was married to him. You said you're making one big investment in 2025. Are you going to tell the group what the 2025 investment is? That's right. Okay. All that money last year. We're going to do this every year from now on. You tell people what to invest in for 2025. Remember last year, I had a big prediction. I said, put all your money in Dogecoin. Yep.

I loved it. I love this stuff. I was like, I can't get enough of Dogecoin. I love this segment. Yep. What are you going to put your money in this time? You know what happened. You know who the new president is going to be. What are you putting money in? Okay. Take all that money out of Dogecoin. Which hopefully made a lot of money for you. Hopefully it made you a bundle. This is a Scott Says segment. Scott Says. Scott Says. Take all that money out of Dogecoin. Yeah.

Put it all in Playboy stock. Playboy? Playboy. It's coming back. Are you sure? The magazine, the glossy magazine. You know, the centerfolds. Yeah, you think that people are going to go for print Playboy. Oh, they love the stuff. Are you sure? You know what's in those centerfolds, Ben? Women, naked women. Oh, so you've seen one? Well, I haven't seen one in years and years and years. What was the last one you saw?

Wow. Great question. I think it was the one that Marge Simpson was on. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Marge Simpson was in. Was she? I just did a bit. Was she? Yeah, she had. Well, I mean, the you know, it was a double fold out because her hair. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, that's my tip. All right. My tip. And that's called just the tip. Scott says just the tip. What about just the shaft?

God, that'd be tough because how do you get around the shaft? All I want is the shaft. All I want for Christmas is shaft. You know, when people say just the tip, it's like the tip is where all the bad stuff comes out. What? You know what I mean? Scott, what are you saying? You know, it's like that's the stuff I don't want in me. When you ejaculate, what comes out of your penis? Bad stuff. What stuff? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Texas D. Gold, boy. Texas D.

Well, look, Ben. Oh, it's been great. I can't believe you have to go to a... Bummanic the Ledge Dog is out. Sonic the Hedgehog. People can still see it. Yes, right now you can still see it in theaters. Listen, if enough people see it, we get to make another one. The next one is going to be bananas, so I hope it's great. It's such a weird process. If enough people see it, we get to make another one. I think that's how anything works, right? If something is popular enough, you get to do another one. That's a good point.

I don't know. If the show bombed, you wouldn't be able to do another one. Well, I guess. You've been bombing for years. Go to commercial? Yep. First episode of every year. That's...

That's when I go to commercial because I roasted your ass. Nice. We're going to go to a commercial. Oh, this is exciting. We have a pet groomer coming up. Oh, what a show for the past year. We have a celebrity sibling. This is incredible. We have Benny Schwab here. I'm going to be back. I'm not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere. We're going to be right back. We'll have more Ben Schwartz, more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

At the University of Arizona Online, we bring a top-ranked education to you. We offer 150-plus programs, 100% online. Expand your career opportunities by earning a degree that meets you right where you are. Learn from the same faculty and earn the same degree as on-campus students. Build your future with Arizona Online. Classes start every seven and a half weeks. Apply today and make your tomorrow amazing.

Your boyfriend took our money and dipped. From producer Issa Rae. How we gonna make $1,500 by six? You bought this, okay? On January 17th. You went alone? Don't do it. I've never seen a credit score this low. What if we combine our scores? Kiki Palmer is having one of them days. First the rent, and then our Lomo's trying to kill us. SZA is having one of them days. She's on. She is still on the same day. Alyssa, run! Oh, man.

One of Them Days. Directed by Lawrence Lamont. Exclusively in theaters January 17th. Rated R. Under $17.99 without fare.

Terms and conditions apply!

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with Ben Schwartz. Of course, the voice of the titular, he puts the tits in the titular. Don't say that, it's a PG rated film. Although, Sonic the Hedgehog has big, big natties, does he not? No, he doesn't have that. Isn't that the change they made when like his teeth were too weird? No, no. So they were like, let's distract everyone with his big natties? Big natties, no. Uh, no.

In any case, he's in Sonic the Hedgehog 3. People can go see it. Slappy Natties was a term that I used in an episode of something recently, and it's really catching fire. It really is. Everyone's saying it out there. Yeah. 2025, I think it's going to be in the Oxford English Dictionary as the new word. Really? Slappy Natties. You were talking, you were about to plug something in? That's right. Anyway, Sonic the Hedgehog, in the great pantheon of animated films. You went to the premiere of the first one. I did. Yeah, you weren't there. But it was a lot of fun.

I sent you text saying I liked it, and you were like, yeah, I'm at home. That was the second one. That was the first one, my dear boy. I haven't seen the second one. What?

Look. Turn it on right now. Pause it. I'm turning it on the TV right now. Okay. Oh. Okay, go. Boom, boom. Okay. Boom, boom. Wrong, wrong. Wrong. Which one is that? Which group is that? Which group is that? Which studio is that?

What is that? I want to say it's not Fox. Who knows at this point? But in the great pantheon of animated films. Wait a second. Talk of animated films. You have yet to tell me your favorite Disney movie. Is it Pita?

Peter Pan. I love Peter Pan. Hey, is that your favorite movie? Oh my gosh. You can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly,

What are we talking about? All right. That was fun. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry. Sorry. Giving a knock on the door here. Who is that? I don't know. Come in. Hello. Hey. Hi. Excuse me. We're in the middle of a show. I thought this was a bedroom. I got a bus to piss. Who's who's this?

Who's this? Sorry. We're, sir. We're sorry. I'm sorry. No, I, I'm saying sorry because I'm me too. Bust a piss. Yeah. Did I start it? Did I say it weird? Why are you repeating it? Sorry. Who are you, sir? What I wish you need to bust a piss. I'm, I'm presuming that's something akin to pulling your pod. Uh, no, there's nothing like that. I got to bust a piss. What's a piss? How do you, I got a piss. It's time to piss. You sound familiar, but, uh, son of a bitch.

Who is that? Sir, who are you? You're interrupting a show here. Doing the traditional opening podcast of the year with- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is it? The inaugural episode of Comedy Bang Bang for the year 2024? That's right. 2025. 2025. Oh, shit. Are we in 2025? Yeah, we're in 2025. Are you still writing 2024 on your- Is that for real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in 2025. Still writing 2024 on your piss? What's your name, sir? My name? Yeah. Slow Pesci. That's Slow Pesci. Oh, Slow Pesci. You're a guest on the show today. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I came in, but I was waiting for a show in the green room. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to come on myself and be called in or not. And then I thought, you know what? I'm filled with fucking Pete Schnabel. He came in early. He just knocked and came in himself. I'm always early. How are you, sir? I mean, honestly, fine. Please be honest when you're answering. Are you his little brother or older brother of Joe? I don't like to say little. Sorry. He's.

He's my older brother. I'm the younger brother. You're the younger brother. I'm not a little brother. Fuck you. You and I have spoken before, have we not? Yeah, you remember. Around two decades ago. Okay. Yeah, that makes me feel good. Yeah, it does. That you don't remember. I do remember. I'm the person who said it. Oh, great. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of your brother. Everybody's. That's all I know.

Are you an actor as well? I want to be. Yeah. I mean, the whole world was just watching your brother in the Home Alone movie last month. Yeah, they loved him. He comes around every Christmas. They start watching him. That's when he's the most famous now, really. Are you from New York? Yeah. What part of New York are you from? The street, the gutter. The gutter of what part of New York?

Are you familiar with Times Square? Yeah, of course. Everybody is. That huge ball just dropped there. Not me. You've never heard of Times Square? I wasn't familiar with it. I just never went near that part. I never got that far in. Okay, sorry. Slow Pesci, what are you doing? Who, me? I think that's a different guest than we have. Yes, you. I don't know what you're talking about. Slow Pesci, what's your favorite Disney movie? I mean, it's got to be Coco. Now, is Coco a Pixar movie or a Disney movie?

Listen, I'm going to jump over this desk. Sorry.

I don't know if you heard me earlier. I'm a hitman. There's a reason I'm here. Oh, that's right. You're a hitman. I forgot about that. But speaking of the hitman business, are you on a current contract? I wasn't, but you brought it up. So now we all say that again? Wait, is it this is a verbal thing where if someone asks you about a contract, then suddenly you have to kill them? It's like a vampire thing where they invite you in the house. No, no. He was in Redfield. He knows. I do. That's right. I auditioned for that shit. Did you? Which part? For which role? The one that our friend got. What's his name? Brandon Scott Jones? Yeah, you would have been great.

Brandon was amazing, too. He was amazing, too. I loved him, too. But they needed a taller actor. Hey, you know what? It's not the kind I got. My brother becomes fucking Joe Pesci. I become a fucking hitman, and I'm a fucking podcast with my dick in my hand. Okay, come on. You think Branscow Jones is like Joe Pesci, and you're like... No, he's better than my brother. He's amazing. I love him. My brother's a real fucking piece of shit. You don't like your brother, Joe Pesci? I don't.

He's retired now. What did you just call him? Retired. Shit. Retired. Motherfucker canceled, Owey. Yeah. Scott, you almost got canceled a couple of times in 2024. Yeah, I slipped right through it. Nice work. He seems to not act any longer, which is- Pass, the joke, pass. He was in the Irishman. Oh, yeah, he was. That wasn't him. That was you? No.

So I know they CGI'd him to be younger, but they CGI'd him the whole time? Yeah. Wow. That wasn't him. Incredible. It wasn't me, though, either. It was our other brother. Which who? Snow Pesci. Snow Pesci? Yeah. Is that a guy who likes cocaine or a guy who likes the snow?

He's a snowman who loves cocaine. A snowman who loves cocaine. Oh, he's like Hot Frosty? He's our little brother. He's the littlest brother in the family. My mom fucked a snowman. Oh, wow. It seems more like a snowman would fuck her. I think so. How dare you? Sorry. Scott, seriously, sorry. You don't want to get canceled this early. The carrot knows that... I'm sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. I beg your pardon. Sorry, sir. In any case, so the relationship resulted in a pregnancy and a little half-brother of yours? Love. It resulted in love, yeah. That's nice. That's so nice. Are they still together or no? Nah.

No. Was it a hot frosty situation where the snowman came to life first? Why do you keep saying people know what hot frosty is? Because people do know what hot frosty is. I'm not going to lie. I do know what hot frosty is. Hot frosty is the movie that came out last year about the hot snowman who comes to life. What are you talking about? Everyone knows what hot frosty is. You have four people in the room now. Have you heard of hot frosty? No.

one person here. Yeah, but you're all in your 50s, just about. Don't Google Hot Frosty. I don't believe you that it's real. Right there, Hot Frosty. It's called Hot Frosty? Yes. Is that Lacey Chabert? I believe it is, yes. Lacey Chabert fucks a very hot snowman. Is that true? Yes. And then what happens? My man. Was it a Hot Frosty situation?

Now that we've established what hot frosty is. No, it was not a hot frosty situation as I think about it. The snowman did not come to human life, but the snowman was alive. Yeah. And so was it always alive or was there some sort of magic, like a magic top hat, much like the regular frosty, non-hot frosty? It was kind of a wet boot, a magical wet boot. Someone put this orphaned boot on... Orphaned what? On...

That's a good reference. Somebody put on Orban Black while they were wearing wet boots. If you're going to eat, go ahead and be proud of eating and talk right into the mic. Tatiana Maslany left her wet boot, a magical wet boot on the street. I don't fucking understand what is so goddamn hard about this. A snowman put it on. My brother.

Snow Becky, alive. So wait, your brother was the snowman that you're born with? Your brother was the snowman that you're born with? My mom fucked a snowman. Jesus Christ. No, but I'm confused. My mom fucked a snowman. Yeah? When does the boot get in there? At the hospital when she was giving birth. Oh, wait, so your mom fucked an inanimate snowman.

Which got her pregnant at the hospital. Tatiana Maslany, you're not doing a good job explaining it. I just want to say this. Take us through the chronology. I 100% disagree. Okay, so start from the beginning. Your mom. Who's my mother? My mother has nothing to do with this story. What? You brought her up so many times. The whole time you've been talking about your mom. What's your mom's name?

Roger. Your mom's name is Roger? With the female one. Oh, female one. I've never heard of Roger. My father fucked Dracula. Okay, so your dad fucked Dracula, and you had a kid. My mother...

Fuck the snowman. So they weren't having sex with each other ever? No, they didn't like each other. They were together for money reasons. Oh, I see. So they had both of the boys, Joe and Slow. First Joey, then Slowie, then Snowie. But you said you were the youngest. I lied. What is the problem with you? Oh, I get it. He lied. He lied.

I don't understand. Okay, so just so we get it. So your dad had sex with a vampire. Your mom had sex with a snowman. Not just a vampire. Dracula. Don't just gloss over it. That's very reductive. Sorry. Dracula is more than just a vampire. Dracula. And then your mom had sex with a snowman. Then when she was in the hospital, she gave birth to a snowman. That snowman, Tatiana Maslany's wet boot, he put it on and then came to life as Snow Pesci. Tale as old as time. Wow.

Wow. We have to find out who you're going to kill. I don't understand why you do that. I don't understand why. Can you give me a signal? I said it into a live microphone. Give me like a hint of who you're going to kill next. A hint. Don't tell us the whole thing. Just give us a hint who it could be. Yeah, maybe the first letter. No, get like a hint. What do you mean? You mean like a riddle? You can put sugar in it, but you can't take sugar out of it.

Okay, what have you ever put sugar in? I guess coffee? I guess you could say any person. Sugar dissolves in liquids. Yeah, that's true. So you put sugar in. But also, any person eats sugar and you can't get it back out. I guess they could shit it. Yeah, I guess. I just want to say you guys are way off already. Okay, so it's not a liquid or a person? Oh, no, I was wrong. It's a person. It's a person. Okay, so give us another hint.

What's good for the goose is not necessarily always good for the gander, if you ask me. Okay, so maybe someone is part of a big company or something like that? Yeah, or a duck, maybe a duck kind of thing. Well, he's saying it's a person. I know, but a person who ducks a lot?

you know, like ducks underneath ducks, like you're talking about before. Yeah. You know, like ducks underneath pole. You know how, like sometimes when you're a relay racer, you, instead of jumping over the thing, you duck under it. My concern is that maybe he's saying stuff that has nothing to do. Can you give us one more? Yeah. One more. I had a roommate in college that couldn't eat peanut butter. This is a true fact.

I had a roommate in college. His name was Martin. Which part is true about the... All of this is a hint and a true fact. Okay. I had a roommate in college named Martin Alatorowitz. He was Polish, and he wouldn't eat peanut butter if he had socks on because he said the textures confused him. The soft texture in his mouth and the crunchy weird texture of the socks on the ground.

Is that true? That's one of the truest things I've ever said in my life. So he had texture imbalance. If he was to eat peanut butter, he would take his socks off.

because he didn't like how the two sensations felt at the same time. Would it be crunchy peanuts? So if he was eating something that had peanut butter in it in the mess hall, I'm not going to call it the mess hall. Am I a fucking 40s army guy? Yeah. The cafeteria. Cafeteria, sure. He'd take his fucking shoes and socks off and he'd eat the peanut butter and then put his socks and shoes back on. This is insane. I love this. That's why I'm telling you. So,

So is it that guy? Is it that guy? No, it's one of you guys. Oh, well, okay. Are you allergic to peanut butter? Do you not like peanut butter? I love peanut butter. I love peanut butter and I have had sugar. Yeah, I have sugar too all the time. Is there a hint that you could say that could decipher? Maybe the goose and the gander is specific to one of us. We both kind of run our own businesses. The guy I'm going to kill has been in a famous movie. I mean, I was in Austin Powers Goldmember.

He nailed it on the first one. Oh, it's you. You're going to die. Oh, okay. What was your role in Austin Powers? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Young Michael Caine, of course. Michael Caine. Yeah. Give me the line. Unfortunately, I did not have any lines in the finished product. Well, and then shoot, what was your line? Hello, I'm Michael Caine. That's great. Hello, I'm Alfred. Would you like to be Batman? That's great. Something to that effect. Homie.

Oh, I would love to be by me. Yeah. No. So why are you going to kill me?

I'm a hit man. I get a piece of paper. Who gave you that paper? You wouldn't see. That's the whole thing. I don't know. It's very like you don't. Can I see the piece of paper? Don't. You don't have to see it. Yeah, let me just. You don't have to see it. It doesn't matter. It's just got. You shouldn't show anybody else. It's got somebody's AIM on it. And then I got to look and find out who that was. Okay, so this. This is your old AIM. It's a message thing. Yeah. This is the AIM. You don't have to look at it. From Benny? Yeah.

69, 69. Weird. Yeah, Scott. Awkward man, right? Yeah. Ben, is this you? Ben? Benny6969. Every time I come on this show, you fucking say the weirdest and meanest things about me. You're always impolite. You're always unkind to me. I don't get that sense. You always make me feel like a piece of shit. We've been listening to any episode I've ever been on. I don't get that sense about myself. Do you think you deserve to live?

Give me one real reason why you deserve that, and I'll give you a hundred reasons why you should die. Jesus fucking Christ. I have a family. Do you? I have a family who loves me. They depend on me. Do they? Yeah. They're fine in my place right now. My family's over at your place right now? I knew you were going to die, so I'm taking care of your family. That's so nice. You're welcome. You're going to take care of them for the rest of their lives? For as long as it takes. What does that mean? A couple years, and then they'll be fine. A couple years? Until they find a new guy that can really support them and not be such a cock face.

This is terrible. Can I cancel his contract? Money talks. I get paid. This is my job. How much did he pay you to kill me? Him? Yep. Who, him? Yeah, me. $350 million. $350 million? That's how much you got paid to do Sonic 3? That's how much you got paid just for 2. That's just your 2 money? Yes. That was for my guest spot in Bob's Burgers. Alright, well I'm going to have to dip into the

Probably the comedy Spider-Man. Spangbang t-shirt sales. Yeah, maybe my Spider-Man money, but I'll go $351 million. I'm looking at you to see if you're going to go a little bit higher. $400 million. $400? Can you go higher than that? $400 million and $1. Price is right rules. Yep, the price is right rules. I can't do it. Always. I can't do it. You can't do one more dollar? Well, it would have to be two more than he previously did. $400 million and $2 you can't do. I can't do it. All right. You're a piece of shit. Do you have Venmo?

No. You don't have Venmo? No, I don't have Venmo. You gotta pay him in pennies. You gotta pay me in straight coins. Everybody knows this. That's the whole thing. I hate Venmo because every time you pay someone in Venmo, then somebody else is like, oh, look, slow, peshy, not...

I don't know what I was about to say. I'm going to have to go to the Coinstar here. I don't like when it says, like, Slow Pesci gave this guy five bucks for pizza. It's like, fuck you. I don't want you knowing I got pizza last week. Did they make a reverse Coinstar? I was just going to say, you don't know what Coinstar is. No, you got to go to a bank, my man. Or you got to go to Nathan's Arcade in Yonkers. Like an arcade, yeah. Which Slow Pesci knows about. Is that Nathan's Arcade still there?

It just got turned away. You know that there's a pizzeria Uno on that street too? Oh, no. There was. I know somebody used to work there, but it's gone. It's all gone now. It's all gone. That was when Movie Land was there. It was the best. Yeah. Westchester County. Everybody's favorite topic. Yeah.

So does this cancel? Sorry, I just bust a piss right there by accident. Oh, it's crazy. Oh, my God. It stinks so much piss. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm a grown man in a puddle of my own piss. Yeah, it's a lot. So who's the embarrassed one? Me. I'll get you the $400 million and $1. That's great. I didn't think it was going to turn out that good. This ended up being a great segment because now you're not going to die. I'm not going to die. I've made money, basically. How did you make money? Maybe I'll kill the peck room and see what happens.

Yeah. Well, tell you what, why don't we take a break? When we come back, we're going to have a peck rumor. This is very exciting. Do you have pet slow Joey or what's your name? Slow Joey. That's a different character. That's a different person from the comedy banking universe. I had a hit out once on him, but I didn't do it. He's cute. He sounds cute. But do you have a pet slow Pesci? Yeah, I got an axolotl. It's illegal. A what?

Why are you eating so much? I mentioned we're going to take a break and then you preemptively get in there. I don't eat much. I don't have money to buy the food. Well, you're about that $400 million. Yeah, but I don't have it yet. So fucking relax. I'm having a fucking flavor blasted goldfish. What does flavor blasted mean when it comes to goldfish? It means that they, instead of

Putting a little bit of dust on it. They put the normal amount of dust they used to put on it, and then now they call it flavor blast so that they think you're getting more. But the truth is, it's the same amount of blast. Old blast. It's the old blast. All right, well, speaking of an old blast, we're going to get an old blast of messages from our sponsors right now. You son of a bitch. I'm the king of segways. How?

This motherfucker over here. When we come back, we're going to have a peck rumor. We'll also have more from Slow Pesci. More Benny Schwa. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Head to Whole Foods Market to jumpstart your January during our New Year boosting event with savings on feel-good favorites storewide. Save on organic picks, wellness staples, and more all month long.

Your boyfriend took our money and dipped. From producer Issa Rae. How we gonna make $1,500 by six? You bought this, okay? On January 17th. You went alone? Don't do it. I've never seen a credit score this low. What if we combine our scores? Kiki Palmer is having one of them days. First the rent, and then our Lomo's trying to kill us. SZA is having one of them days. She's on. She is still on the same day. Alyssa, run! Oh, man.

One of Them Days, directed by Lawrence Lamont, exclusively in theaters January 17th. Rated R, under $17.99 without fare. Now Taxes is 100% free when you file in the TurboTax app if you didn't file with us last year. Oh yeah?

Yeah, just do your own taxes in the app by 218. What if I have lots of forms? All good. All 100% free. What if I had three jobs? Still 100% free. What if I once sold Bigfoot? That has nothing to do with taxes, so still 100% free. Now that's what I'm talking about. Now this is taxes. See if you qualify in the TurboTax app. Excludes TurboTax Live must start and file an app by 218.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Ben Schwartz. Benny Schwa. Benny Schwa is here. You can see him on the silver screen, of course. Yes, it's out, right? It's still out. It's still out, yeah. We could use the more, if we make enough money, we have to make another one, which I'd love to do. I mean, isn't that everything, though? You make enough money, they go like, oh, make more of these. Sure. I loved you in Flora and Ulysses. Thank you. I think Bobby Moynihan was in that, too. He played a comic book owner. What?

A comic book owner? You owned one comic book? A comic book store. But I will say that when we were doing that... I'm a professional comic book owner. I own this comic. No, it's not one. We found a way to get the entire DuckTales cast into that movie.

It's very exciting. Incredible. I've never heard of it. What a fun fact. But I would imagine that it's probably a great, great movie. Got taken off Disney Plus, I think. Can't see it no more. Yeah. I think you have to buy it off of Apple now. Yeah, baby. That's the way of show business. But you know what? Check it out with Batgirl this weekend. Let's not talk about show business anymore. Let's talk about the peck rooming business. Oh, yeah. Who is this guy?

We have a wonderful new guest coming on the show. Please welcome for the first time, Daryl. Hey, Daryl. Daryl Day. Nice to meet you. Hi, Daryl. Very handsome, all three of you. Thank you so much. Very Daryl.

very handsome oh cool Daryl Daryl I have a dog do you do what type of animals do you groom I will I will groom any animal and we will clean them as the day is long my last name is Day oh Daryl Day that's what we say Daryl Day was it Doris Day Doris Day Doris Day is a person yeah yeah

like that same spelling no relation or no uh no relation that i know of but you don't know in today's world i might be related there's so many people in the world now mikey day that's another one could be related charlie day definitely related oh you are related to charlie christmas day but uh christmas day that's a good one slow that's not i'm not related to christmas day okay you're not unless you're talking about jesus and are you jewish as well

I am not Jewish. Wow. Okay. So then you're not related to Jesus, right? Cause Jesus is related to Jesus. We're all Jesus. It's all our father. We're all related to Judaism.

Well, I'm not Jewish. Can I ask a question? Yeah. When I bring my dog and they do this anal gland thing where they release the anal glands. Why can't... Dogs are very dirty. What did dogs do before people were paid to do this? Did they just walk around with anal glands? Yes, they were very dirty. And sometimes if anal glands can...

uh just pop and just they will if you do not clean them they will leak what is inside of them it's a musk and it's uh assigned to especially uh during heat um it can help uh get the other dogs hard so it's easier for them to uh

I will clean, though. By the way, can you use clinical terms? You're a professional. Is that possible? I'm a groomer and I'm self-taught, but I will guarantee if we take your dog. You taught yourself how to release the anal glands? Yeah. How do you do it? It's different with it. It's like snowflakes. It's different for every single dog. And that's true, depending on the type of animal, because you can leak.

the glands of any animal. It's not just dogs. All animals, including... I have glands. Can you milk me, Greg? That's good. I understand. I understand. But you can't. That's funny to not respond and just say, I understand. I do understand, though. Roads. We're going to need roads. That's right. I understand. Okay.

So our process is a day-long process. It's the same price as if you went to, you know, a normal groomer, but we take your animal. And it's not just dogs. I understand you have a dog. Well, tell me another animal. What's the most common? Birds. You don't do the animal lands of birds, do you? No, no, no, no.

No, I'll squeeze that. They don't have a typical gland, but they do if you get up in their little shitty, shitty assholes. Sir, you are a professional...

Can you please just use... Well, do you want a clean dog? Or a clean pet? Or a clean bird? I want a clean mouth. Does it matter? On you, when you're talking about... Animals are very dirty. So the more I can describe it to people how I'm going to clean them... So animals are dirty? That means you should be cursing this entire show? You have to get into those shitty, shitty little corners. I'm not going to lie. It's a little refreshing that he... I feel like he's talking kind of like how I understand it a little.

Yeah, I want to be able to, you know, whoever comes in with their animal, I want to be able to describe the process that's going to happen. And we will clean them up all day long. I just don't know whether I would trust my animal with a foul-mouthed gentleman such as yourself. You don't have to. I'm not saying everybody has to bring their pet. The people who do relate to me. Wouldn't that be a great business if every single person had to use you?

That would be a great... Is there a business like that? I guess Water Power for whatever city. I guess they're all broken up into different companies. I mean, like if there was, I guess the IRS. Yeah, that's true. That's good. The government. The credit card business. Baseball cards. Tops. Just tops. There's other baseball cards. Name one. I understand.

So the game is a little different now. So I understand it isn't just for quotes that you know or things like that. That's right. Okay. So it's for anything? Yeah. Okay. Anything that I understand. Right? Yeah, I guess. So Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. Yes. I'm sorry. Daryl Day. Get back to what I do. So do you have a dog? I have two dogs. Do you have two dogs? Any other pets? No, just those two. I don't know that we need to bring kids into this. I wasn't going to bring them in. Well, you're the one who said kids.

I know. Are you just naming your favorite movies? No, no, no, no. I was just trying to get a layout of what your situation was with your family. Okay, I have a situation with my family. I don't know that it needs to come into our relationship. It doesn't have to. Then great. We're agreed.

I'd like to know about. Why? Why do you need to know about? Because I like to learn about the entire family, the pet owner's family. Because it's hard to clean a dog if I don't know what your home life is like. How dirty is this pet? Can I give you a hypothetical then? You go, there's a horse. Okay. Horse in the family is a family of four. It's a mom and a dad, two kids, they're two daughters, ages six and ten. It's going to be a dirty, very dirty horse. So I'd start...

with the big fat dick and you'd have to the sheath the BFD what is he going to do to it? what if they don't have a big fat dick if it's just like a normal have you ever seen a horse without a big fat if it's a woman, if it's a female horse I'll get it very very hard so much that it's glistening the dick to what end?

Well, no, I'm not gross. I'm not going to do anything to it. I'm going to clean it. So I will rub it, scrub it. I will scrub the shit out of it for hours.

So you're jerking this dog, this horse's big dick off. I don't jerk it. What I do is take a wet towel and I wrap it. Okay, this sounds exactly like... Sir, you are getting hard while talking about this. I'm just going to say, I have never understood a doctor more. Really? Yeah.

Are you a doctor? I wish you were my doctor. No, I've had a lot of people ask and I can't. I don't cross that line into humans. I wish you would because you got a good bedside, man. You make things real easy to understand. I get it. I'm getting it too. Listen.

I will wrap and tie a washcloth around it. This is a wet washcloth. Yeah. This big glistening dick you take for hours and you put a washcloth around it. But do you know how like when you take a washcloth and you make it into... Yeah, like when you're choking a horse's dick with a towel. We get it. You understand. Yeah, no, I get it. When you choke a horse's dick with a towel, with a terrycloth towel. But if you move it back and forth... Okay, stop miming what you're doing to this. Sir, you're so hard your buttons are popping on your pants.

Audibly. Audibly.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. When do you clean the horse? That's the first step. How many hours? That's the dirtiest part. And then you get into its shitty butthole. And a horse, I don't know if you're familiar, has a massive butthole. Massive. No, I don't know about the inside. You have to get inside that thing. What are we talking about? We're talking at least... Well, it depends. Before...

the actual anus is pretty now you say anus you said big glistening dick dirty dirty fucking asshole and now you're you're being clinical about your language i switched it up if you if you're more comfortable the big uh that big goddamn uh shit see i don't know why you need to add goddamn to it i mean now you're just taking the lord's name in vain emphasize that it's a big one okay

It's not necessary, I don't think. You have to get up there. Say like Big Honkin, or you don't have to say God damn. Sometimes there's a lot of leftover dirty shit up there, and you have to get that. So how long do you concentrate on the S right now? It's three hours on the deck. How much on the S? Well, it's three hours on the deck at least.

Sometimes it doesn't. I have to wait for it to soften before I can go back to that big fat asshole in the back. So now you're cleaning the asshole. I'm cleaning the asshole with my hands. I'm just pummeling that thing. Just hitting it as hard as I can. So you're punching a horse's asshole? I'm punching up into it. That doesn't make it better. Like uppercuts? It doesn't. It doesn't.

Are we talking haymakers or uppercuts? Wait...

So you're basically like Jake Paul against Mike Tyson with this horse's ass. But all uppercuts? All uppercuts. Do you understand? Actually, my first improv team was called all uppercuts. Really? No, I understand. Okay. So that, depending on how long it takes to loosen up that shitty hole, because you have to be able to get in there and clean it out. And you have to go pretty deep.

Pretty deep. Okay, so now you've spent hours on the dick and the asshole. So the dick and the asshole are your biggest problem. Personally, if I have a horse, I don't know that I have this kind of time to leave it with you. I agree. They have dirty little shitty eyes, too, and you have to get in there and... Shitty eye? What does that even mean, shitty eyes? Because they get mosquitoes and bug bites all over their eyes, and you've got to clean that. Like a windshield? Mosquito bug bites on their eyes? Yeah, exactly.

I've never heard that before. So what do you take, a squeegee? No, no, no. Just use my thumbs and I will go in there. You've just been inside the animal's asshole. It's going to get conjunctivitis. And I do not wash anything along the way on myself. That's your promise? That is a promise. So I get in that shitty little corner of the eye and I rub all that shit around. Okay, you're just making it worse for them. Yeah, I think that would give them pink eye, no? It will give them pink eye, but it's purposeful.

Purpose how? Because a pink eye will raise the probability that the horse's immune system will strengthen. That little shit will be able to. Okay, I gotta say, Daryl, I don't know that I would trust you with any of my animals. Well, I never had a pet pass away. Yeah, that's like the baseline. If you've ever had a pet pass away, then I would. Oh, three times, try it.

If you've ever had a pet pass away, I would imagine... Do it three times. Do it three times. If you've ever had a pet... See? Start over. Do it. If you've ever had a pet pass away... One. If you've ever had a pet pass away... Two. If you've ever had a pet pass away... Finish. Then I would imagine that your business would be closed down. I've had a few deaths. That's passed away. Then yes. But not of the animals? No. So they have died.

Only one. It's all horses. What's all horses? Horses have passed away. All the horses have not made it. What are you talking about? The horses don't make it through the process. What percentage of the horses don't make it? 100? Over the year, and we've been around, this is our 10th year. I'm surprised that you've been in business for 10 years. Well, I haven't been making money, but my first horse was in 2015.

And since then, I've done about 25 to 30 horses. How many horses have died? Somewhere between 25 and 30 horses. So all the horses died? All the horses have died. Have all the animals died? I don't know. All dogs gone to heaven? No, not all the animals died. Do you understand that? Yeah. Is that a Disney movie? Yeah. So you do understand? I understand.

It's not true, though. I found out a lot of dogs go to fucking hell. Is that true? Do they really? How did you find this out? Do you kill dogs? I've killed a bunch of dogs. I know people don't like that, but I'm here to say it into a microphone on a podcast. I have killed dogs. Is John Wick based on you? Are you the person that killed John Wick's dog? It was originally called Slow Pesci.

instead of John Wick. And people were like, that's weird. That sounds like the actor's brother. And I went down with him my whole fucking life. And then they're like, what if we called it John Wick and we hired an attractive man instead of a five foot tall abomination? So you were originally playing John Wick who killed his own dog? Yep.

They changed all the things. They said it was too depressing and weird. I think so, too. That's why I'm not upset about it. I wouldn't be upset about it. Also, I love Keanu. I hope he's going to kill it. Love Keanu. He's going to kill his shadow. I know. Who's he play? He plays Shadow. Do you understand? Yeah, I understand. I understand. So I have killed no dogs.

Snow dogs or no dogs? I've killed snow dogs. So wait, you have killed dogs? You've killed snow dogs? Just snow dogs. I have most dogs. And I don't know that it's me that did it. I just know that they never make it home. But it's you. Who else killed snow dogs? Who's that? Cooper Gooding Jr. Wow, do you understand? He killed all the snow dogs at the end of that movie? I definitely understand that. No, he just killed in that movie. He did kill. He's the greatest and he'll never do anything weird or wrong. Nope.

You can. I do have a gentler cleansing and that's usually where the dogs are fine. And that's when I, I am very gentle. Tell us what you do with the dick and ass in that. Uh, I don't do the dick in the ass at first. I start with, Oh, okay. So I start with the teeth. I give those,

Those shitty little teeth. I get in there. You're being very... It's almost as if you're being rude about people's animals. Like, the shitty little teeth, you know? That's a judgment on your part. Well, they're coming to me to clean the animal, right? Okay. And to clip those little... So I guess it is a tacit agreement that the animal is dirty. Is that what you're saying? Right. I mean, why else would they bring the little shitty thing to me? Okay, now you're... And the nails, those fucking...

dumb nails that they say, like, clip the nails. I wouldn't come to you. Sorry, I have a dog. I wouldn't come to you. You can honestly look me straight in the eye. Ben, go ahead and look Daryl Day. I'll offer my services to you. Hi, Daryl. How are you? I have a dog right here, and I want him cleaned. I'd love to take care of that for you. The reason why I'm not going to do it is because you uppercut the

the dog's asshole, you take my dog's penis, you take a moist towelette or a rag, and you jerk the dog. No. You take the shit from the asshole, you put it into the dog's eyes. You take the dirty, dirty feet, you take those, you take the dirty, dirty nose. So there's no reason I see dirty, shitty nose. I don't see any reason why I should ever go to you because my dog will be worse. Well, your dog will then continue to have a shitty, shitty little asshole, a shitty, dumb...

stupid shitty eyes with all the shit all the shit around them. I can't believe this is working. Do you think you could take care of that? I would love to take care of it. Is it a male dog? It's a female dog. So it doesn't have a dick. You can't jerk it off.

Are you interested? Yeah. I can take care of it. What would you do with a female dog? I use the same cloth. I wrap it around that stupid little pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ. The whole vagina? Well, I wrap it up in a cloth and then I just rub it. Ben, I'm begging you. Don't leave your dog with this guy. I don't want to, but you're saying you could get a cleaner than anybody else? I guarantee when that shitty, shitty little... What's your guarantee? Yeah.

If it's not clean by the end of the day, the Daryl day, then you can... How long is a Daryl day? Daryl day is a month. No. So you need a month to clean my dog. Yeah, but it stays with you at night and then you drop it off every morning and I continue to work on that little dumb little pussy. You basically fondle my dog for a full month.

No, I don't fondle it. There's nothing sexual about it. There's nothing hard to understand about it. Ben, it's a Daryl Day. A Daryl Day is a month. I understand. $60. $60 plus tip.

How much are you expected to tip on this? People usually tip at like 20%. Every once in a while, somebody will be like, I'm not tipping. What happened to my... $72. For a month of you taking my dog and abusing my dog. Every day. That's offensive. I don't

I really don't abuse animals ever. I clean them. If I begged you, just I want you to take it for one 30th of a Darryl day and just get my dog in and out there. Just clean my dog. You're not allowed to touch my dog's ass. We have a program. We have a program. Oh, wait, I'm not allowed to what? Touch your touch to my dog's asshole or vagina. So why bring it in? It's going to be dirty. Darryl, you

You got to get in the mouth. You clean it out. You clean that shitty little mouth out. Oh, God. Daryl. Fingers. Daryl, I'm going to stop you. God. Can I can I make an observation? Yeah, it seems to me. And this is just from an impartial observer. I have no stake in this. I'm not going to leave my dog with you at all. It seems to me you got into this business in order to touch animals, private parts and genitalia. That's what it sounds like to me, too, Scott.

It seems like you're not interested in the job unless that's a major part of it. It's not true. I'm going to bring my dog in. Can you please cut my dog's hair? I just want to go on record by saying I hear almost the exact opposite. Okay, so you're here. What do you hear? I hear a pet groomer talking about the job that he loves doing. Okay, let me give you a hypothetical.

Okay. Let's do the same role play that Ben was doing. That's a fake... Look him in the eyes. Hi, Doug. Hi, Doug. Okay. Hi. Welcome into my shop. What's your shop called? Do you want something to drink while you're away? This is my husband, Ben. Sorry. Hi. Can I get you both something to drink? Yeah. Champagne? Yeah. Okay. I don't care. Do you have the finest of champagnes? Yeah. Scott, get to the thing. How much would you like? We're getting some free, incredible champagne. Do you have any caviar as well?

Uh, we don't have caviar, but you're getting distracted. You had an idea. Remember? I had flavor. He's got caviar and champagne here for us, Ben. God. Uh, and do you want some as well? No, I would just like to get to what Scott wants to talk to you about. Okay. I'm just, I'm going to have my champagne and caviar. You're drinking the whole bottle. Excuse me. I'm a homeless guy from the street. I need to bust a page. You should be called calling yourself unhoused, sir. My apologies. I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

My kind of guy, my kind of people aren't really up on the toys. You can deal with this gentleman. Sorry, I thought I was just entering the scene. You can deal with this gentleman while I eat the macadamia. Do you have to use the restroom? I gotta bust a piece. Same thing. Thank you very much. Just ask her what you want. Did you say ask her? Ask...

Him. We don't know your pronouns, sir. Oh, that's true. Or ma'am. So could you tell us those and we'll be able to address you the way that you want to be addressed? I'm a he, him. Great. You're he, him. Great. Scott, what do you want to talk? What made you think I was a woman? I didn't say her. What are you talking about? You said her. You did say her. I said Ben-her. I just watched the movie Ben-her. Oh, that makes sense. What was your favorite part? Well, her. The Spike Jonze movie. Was I talking about that?

Do you understand? When we say you watch Ben Hur, your name is Ben and you are watching her. Thank you. Excuse me, I don't mean to further confuse the situation, but there's no toilet paper and a human head in the toilet. Wait a second. What's happening in the bathroom? No. It's a fake. It's a fake. Oh, it's a fake? That's fine. It's a fake. It's left over from Halloween. Do you have any more of the finest champagne? Holy shit. Scott, what do you want? Ask. It's unlimited. Unlimited. It's unlimited? Okay. We have a dog here. What's his name?

Why do you think it's his? You haven't asked my dog's pronouns yet. Because he's got a beautiful little hard putt. Well, how would you see that? Because right now it's behind a chastity belt, a locked chastity belt. Oh, very smart, Scott.

The only key that exists is in my possession around my neck. This is good. All right, go. Scott, go. I would like you to clean this dog while I sip upon the finest of champagnes. Vintage years. You got it. And you just clean the fur around the chastity belt. The pubic area.

The pubic area is locked off of the chat. Try to touch it right now. See what happens. I can get one finger if I push the skin in. Get your finger off. I can go around the belt and feel some stuff. No. Yeah, but you can't get to the putt. I can't get to the putt, and that's frustrating.

Why? Do you want our business, sir? I want to get to the PUD. Answer Scott's question. Look him in the eyes. I will absolutely clean your dog for you. Just take the belt off. We're not taking the belt off. No. You want to leave with this dog unclean. I don't want to leave. I want to watch you do it while I sip upon the finest of champagnes. And also, the dog will be clean. Just that area doesn't need to be clean. We checked it beforehand. It's fine. What about its shitty little asshole?

Scott checked it before. It's fine. We've done all of that. We go to a separate doctor for that. I will have to look at it. You don't. So you're not interested in our business then? I will have to. These are our terms. Read the poster on the wall. That's tiny writing. It says, when we get in that shitty little asshole, it makes you remember that there is a God. So give me that sweet shitty dick and that sweet asshole and I'll clean the rest of your dog.

Wait, and that's attributed to Abraham Lincoln? He didn't say that. And there's a picture of Abraham Lincoln? It's not that Abraham Lincoln. He didn't say that. Okay, look, sir. It's not that Abraham. I'm afraid that we're not going to be able to leave our dog. Just say yes or no. You're not allowed to touch the dog's ass or penis. I will do it. I will do it. You will do it. But I can, I get one phone call before I do it. You want to phone a friend. I want to phone a locksmith.

Okay. See, now our hypothetical is over right now. Okay. And Daryl. That was good though. That was good hypothetical. It seems to me. That's a hard situation. It seems to me as if you are totally uninterested in this job other than the feeling these animals genitalia. Have you ever done it?

No. Of course not. Neither one of us has done what you're saying. Not even to a bird. I just want to say on record, I would give you my axolotl right now. Wow. I would give it to you right now in a heartbeat. You just sound passionate.

Say it again. You know what he's going to do with it. He sticks a couple of fingers in. It's coming back clean. Why don't you look him in the eyes? Go. Let's see if you can. I would give you. Hi, welcome to the shop. Hello. How you doing today? My name's Slow. I'm fine. Excuse me if I'm a little slow. You're not, though. You're never slow. You talk so fast. That was the fastest you've talked today. All right, go. Keep going. You're speed talking. What?

What can I help you with today? I got this little axolotl over here, a very real animal. And I was wondering if you could clean the shit out of its balls and ass.

Absolutely. See, I'm excited. It's $60. You'll drop him off. Yeah, I wasn't lying. It's a real animal. I bet you I could clean the hell out of it. Does it have a shitty little piss hole? I got to tell you the truth. I feed it and then I walk away. I never seen. I don't know what happens after that. I feed it. I smile. I go, you okay, pal? And it doesn't talk. So I just walk away. So I don't know where it is. To be honest, I'm guessing towards the back. I can find it. I'll wear gloves.

And it'll be fine. Thank you. And 7 o'clock tomorrow morning, we'll start. That's not going to happen. Why do you need till tomorrow morning, Daryl? I got to prepare. Prepare? Just like get all wound up for it. Mentally. Okay, I thought maybe you needed to get some supplies or something. You just mentally need to. What are you going to do from now till tomorrow morning at 7? What are you going to do? Just get a.

just get prepared, get happy about it. Tell me how I'll go watch a bunch of videos about like animals and like videos. Like there's a bunch of animals, like America's funniest home videos or something. Some of those, but also just like, like watch Safari. So,

videos. Watch like animals that are cleaning each other. Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. Like closeups of animals, assholes. That's animal porn. No, it's all of them shitting and stuff like that. Shitty little, shitty little corners, dumb little shitty mouths. Daryl, if people are entrusting their animals to you, they want fast service. They don't want you to wait to psych yourself up to do this kind of stuff. Well,

You got to sacrifice fast service. You can either have it fast, good, or quickly. But you can't have all three. Fast and quickly are the same thing. Look, Daryl, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. No, it's plugs. Dear Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Beanbag, why don't you have an official bird? Look, look, from this moment, I decree that your official bird is the American Coot.

You're welcome. That was Why You Have No Bird. You got very excited when you heard that. I do like that song. Yeah, the buttons on your buttonfly jeans started popping off again. It said that these are Velcroed on, so they will fall off sometimes, Scott. Why did you Velcro buttons onto your jeans? Because they come off so often. Okay. It's easier to get them back.

gone that was by john rogers thanks to john rogers for that and uh guys what do we plug in ben obviously sonic three is still on theaters right now but uh also go to reject the jokes.com backslash tour ben schwartz and friends is touring all through 2025 um you're gonna absolutely love it we're doing every we're doing a whole bunch of cities and more that are being announced and we'll tour probably once a month throughout but look in your city uh look at the website your city should be there it should be really really fun

All right, yeah. Long-form impository. Rejectajokes.com. All right, Slow Pesci, what do you want to plug? Hey, of course you're good fellas. My brother's in that. Yeah, good fellas. That's a good movie. That's a good one to plug. Thanks, Scott. You can listen to the Who Me podcast on CBB World. Oh, yeah, that's a good podcast. I like that one. Yeah, Bitman. Bobby Bitman? Yeah, Bobby Bitman. Yeah, that's a good podcast. Listen to that shit.

Watch NCIS Origins on ABC. That's right. Now, this is an NCIS set during the years where people had flip phones. Prequel. DNA didn't work yet. A lot of explaining that the things that take very short time

time now are going to take longer. Okay. But still, there was a lot of naval crime back then. Oh, yeah. Same amount of naval crime. It just took longer to do. It makes me wonder when I watch these NCIS shows, like, are sailors just a naturally criminal lot? You know what I mean? They're always doing naval crimes. There's always some kind of crime. What are you going to do on a boat? Yeah, that's a good point. I guess murder some. That makes sense. Yeah.

And Daryl, what do you want to plug? I wasn't finished. Oh, I'm so sorry. You are slower than me. Please go to Daryl's business. I am a big supporter. Oh, wow. I don't know about this. Thank you. Get your dog clean. Daryl, what do you want to plug? I'm just going to give you my favorite Instagram handle to follow at R-Y-G-A-U-L on Instagram, Scott. On Instagram.

On Instagram. Yeah. Are you on TikTok also? I am on TikTok, but I don't know what that is. Right. I don't know what my handle is. Okay. I mean, somebody's handle. And I've looked up your website for your business. Apparently, your phone number, if people want to book any...

Yep. Any dogs with you is 3 1 0 9 8 0 4 0 5 3. That's right. Anytime. And you can text for an appointment. All right, great. Fantastic. Uh, I want to plug, uh, you know, uh, we were talking about, uh, the who me, uh, show over there on CBB world. We have so many great shows over there. We have, uh, of course, uh, this book changed my life and Hey Randy. And, uh,

So many great shows. We have Scott Hasn't Seen. We just had the Scott Hasn't Seen-ies Awards, which we just did. And Santa Claus came over and watched The Postman with us. So many great things over there. We have College Town. We have The Neighborhood Listen. We have ad-free episodes of this show. We have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. If you want to go back and listen to the previous almost 900 episodes. You can listen to every. Oh, you can tell us when this started.

That's right. Yeah, please let us know when this tradition started here. All of that is over there on CBB World. You can get all of that. So thanks for being subscribers for these many years. And now, normally, we would close up the plug bag. We would play a remix. But as is tradition, every year we have a new theme. Ben Schwartz creates a new theme.

to close the plug bag. Now, Ben, one thing I wanted to mention is it seems to me for the past 10 years, we have made a mistake where we have...

This is meant to be a closing of the plug bag theme. What do you mean? I think this happened maybe the very first time we did it. We accidentally thought it was an opening the plug bag theme, but it's meant to be a closing. It's closed. I get it. It's closing. So you know the premise. So the whole idea is we're closing the plug bag. We're closing up the plug bag. So it's as if someone just plugged stuff and now this is the end. That's right. And the end is happening. This is when we close the plug bag. And we're going to improvise a theme here. I'm going to join in and slow Pesci and...

Even Daryl Day, if you want to join in on this. I'd love to. Okay, great. All right. So, Ben, let us know when you're ready. We are now going to improvise a theme for closing the plug. Just so I know, 100%. We don't even have to say the word open because we're closing. Exactly. In fact, I would prefer that you never even mention the word open. Okay.

He's taking the last sip of water. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. This is the closing the plug bag. Closing the plug bag thing. Thank you. And you're going to use this for the whole year. For the whole year. Yes. All right. So let's not fuck it up. Okay. All right. Ready? Yep. Closing the plug bag, right? Close, close, close. I almost heard myself say open, but I don't, I want it to be closing. Yeah, exactly. Okay. All right. We all have bags.

And they need some clothes in. We need these bags because we're nosing that in these bags are lots of plugs. So just grab the piece of thread and tie it up real tight and then loosen up that knot because you know you got it right. It's time to, oh,

I'm talking open.

the plug back and then you are alive you've got to open it up and make your dreams come true and open it up and let yourself be you've got to open up and see all the plus because it's not time to close it up just yet it's not time to close it up just yet I said it's not time to close it up just yet

Open the... Me, dude. Open the blog back with me, dude. Just please don't close it and be rude. Please don't close it

Did I do it? Well...

That one rhymed more than the other ones. It definitely is the most rhyming we've ever done. I want to compliment you on that. So let's talk about the good stuff. It's like the most, like almost song. Yeah, I think that was almost a song. It was pretty on key the entire time. Yeah. It rhymed a lot. You had a great deal of commitment. It started off really, really good in talking about closing out the podcast. I feel like I was trying to close it. Did I not? I will say that

maybe a third of the way through, it kind of did a pivot. Would you say it's a banger regardless? Oh, it's a banger. It's a definite banger. People are going to have so much fun remixing this. Okay, okay, okay. If you want to remix it, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. All of the stems will be there. You can remix it to your heart's content. We want those remixes starting to come in. All the stems? All the stems. And, you know, do whatever you want with it as long as it's under a minute. And honestly, try to make it under 30 seconds.

But I know that Ben sang way longer than that, but, you know, try to condense it. Get it longer. If you can do longer, that'd be even better. Sure.

Yeah, 10-minute long plugs themes. If someone could do a 10-minute long version of this, that would be great. That would be amazing. Yeah. Ben, I want to thank you for what you did right there. Scott, it's an honor. Thank you for plugging Sonic the Hedgehog 3 with all your class and my tour bench warts and friends. It's very classy. That's right. From what I'm told, you're going to be out there one weekend a month. One weekend a month, a different city. Two different cities. This is a lot like being in the Army Reserves. Very similar. Yeah. NCIS, Army Reserves.

I don't know if that's correct. I don't know that that's exactly what it stands for. It's very close. I think he's got something to do with an A. I mean, yeah, an A would probably have to be in there if it were something. And maybe the R as well. Okay. But Ben, always great to have you on. A pleasure, my friend. Always great to have you on. Yeah, I mean, you know, you're going to stay here until I say goodbye to these people. No, I'm going to head out, guys. I'll see you next year for this one. I'm going to kill him before he heads out. Wait, I thought you were going to kill Scott. No, I'm going to kill you. No, that was part of me paying him the $400 million and $1 is that he would kill you instead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had like a whole podcast about it. Hey, can you clean this guy's asshole? Mine? I mean, I can. I'm not going to lie. You couldn't handle my asshole. Nobody can clean this fucking thing. All right. Slow passion. So great to see you and Daryl Day. Hey, it was really great to be here. That's so nice. Thank you so much. I mean, even though I discourage people from going to your business. Well, everybody comes around, though. Everybody comes around. When I come around.

I understand. Good. Okay, great. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Get charged up for the all-electric Acura ZDX, featuring your choice of complimentary charging packages, an impressive range, and a bangin' Olsen premium sound system. With a three-month trial subscription of SiriusXM, transform your ride into the most extensive and personalized audio experience on the road. Visit your local Acura dealer for electrifying offers on a 2024 Acura ZDX. Acura. Precision. Crafted. Performance.

Building a business may feel like a big jump, but OnDeck small business loans can help keep you afloat. With lines of credit up to $100,000 and term loans up to $250,000, OnDeck lets you choose the loan that's right for your business. As a top-rated online small business lender, OnDeck's team of loan advisors can help you find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit OnDeck.com for more information.

Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy, we're having entrepreneurs back on the show, and they are going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed.

Whether you're just starting out or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms. You can get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain at squarespace.com slash website.

Bang, bang. Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place with Squarespace. Onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks of the dear mouse, my dear boy, and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like, and here we go with them. They're going to sound made up, but maybe you know what they are. Klarna, ACH, Direct Debit, and

in the U.S., Apple Pay, Afterpay in the U.S. and Canada, and Clearpay in the U.K. Squarespace, look, what do I need to say about them? We've been using them now for, it feels like, I know it's over a decade. I think we did all the Earwolf websites with Squarespace. They're the best. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you are ready to launch, squarespace.com slash bangbang will save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Thanks, Squarespace!