Best of 2013 Pt 1
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episodes of 2013. This is the Comedy Bang Bang Best Of Part 1. I'll be here with Paul F. Tompkins, and we will hear about your 15 through 12 episodes. All of that and more all on today's Comedy Bang Bang.

Welcome, one and all. Yes, it is the end of the year, and you know what the end of the year means. Lists! Lists aplenty! You have Santa's list. He has a list. It's sort of his own best-of list. Best-of little boys and little girls.

And you have best of movies list. You have snubs and flubs, the best snubs, the best flubs. And of course, you have best podcast list, which the AV Club, who regularly cover podcasts, we were number one this year. And speaking of number one, there are going to be numbers said on these podcasts that we are recording right now. This is part one.

of the Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2013. And what a great year. Boy, what a storied year in Comedy Bang Bang history. This is perhaps our best year yet. Our most consistent year yet. Who's that? Engineer Cody, was that you? Oh wait, we have a special guest here. Well, I don't know about special.

We haven't heard from him all year long. We haven't heard from him since the very last Best of episodes that we did. You know him as a comedian, a raconteur, a member of the raconteurs as well. That's right. Along with Brendan Benson. I'm a raccoon-a-tour. That's right. I tell stories about raccoons. Dressed as a raccoon. You are dressed as a raccoon right now. That's right. You have a little burglar's mask. That's right.

And you're holding – I would think they were bank robber sacks of money, but they don't have the S with the line through it, but they have acorns in it. That's right. I have big sacks of acorns that I've stolen.

Because raccoons are burglars of the animal kingdom. They are. They really are. By the way, Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hello, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. I'm here. That's right. They're thieves. They are filthy scum. You notice that most animals in the animal kingdom, they barter for everything. Yeah. Meanwhile, raccoons, they're out there just take, take, take. That's right. It's like that old...

fable by it was either Aesop or Nick Cassavetes I forget who about the ant the grasshopper and the raccoon

Ah, yes. Now, the ant, very industrious, very industrious, because ants are so speedy or whatever. He has mental powers. He can communicate with other ants. That's right, yeah. Was that covered in this? Ant, ant, yes. He could summon, he was an ant who could summon all other ants to him. So he was a superhero, much like Ant-Man. Yes. But he was ant-ant. He had ant powers. He had the powers of more than just him as an ant? Here's the thing.

He had all the proportionate strength of an ant. In his ant body. In his ant body. Okay, I beg to differ with you on this. But he was very persuasive, and he had the ability to get other ants to do stuff that he wanted them to do. I think that you or I could call ourselves superheroes by that logic. We could be human man. Well, there's a band called Man Man. And as far as I know, they all have human abilities. I believe so. At least...

The human abilities to play instruments. Which, to me, that's a super human ability. Yes, that could be extraterrestrial, as a matter of fact. I think anyone who's in a band may be an alien. I think I'm more intra-terrestrial. I can't play an instrument. So there's Ant Ant. You have also the... Who else was in that other than the raccoon? The grasshopper. Oh, the grasshopper. Grasshopper was lazy. Well, here's the thing.

I think that the grasshopper has been – I think that history is kind. History is written by the winners. It's written by the winners, of course, yes. Ants. And I think that the grasshopper has been unfairly portrayed as lazy when really he just wanted to enjoy life. That's right. Ants, they want to enjoy a picnic.

Grasshoppers like- They want to enjoy somebody else's picnic. Well, that's the thing. See, but you know what? Who is this ant to cast crumbs? Ants are also thieves. I'm now realizing that. But they're thieves. They steal from human beings. So they have some twisted code. Ah, yes. Like Robin Hood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's okay to steal from our oppressors. That's right. And they see us as oppressors. Yeah, because we're always spraying raid on them.

Are we spraying raid on ants or are we just stepping on them? I spray raid on them. Do you really? Oh, yeah. I take a little time out of every day. Find some ants, spray some raid on them. Yeah, you don't have ants in your home. You're just going out with a can of raid. Out to Griffith Park.

Just raising the ground. Such great ants. Everywhere I look. Great ants at Griffith Park. Some great ones. If you want the best. The best. Get yourself around. No, I'm never going to keep you down.

Come on, come on, come on and touch me, babe. Don't you know that I am not afraid? What was that promise that you made? Why won't you tell me what she said?

What was that promise that you made? What?

Okay, okay, we can't make it through. Oh, we finally broke it. Guys, if this is your first time listening to the show, that's what... Yeah. We made that joke last year. That's right. Oh, we made it in one of our episodes in our top ten, actually. I was just listening to it today while I was compiling the clips. Yes. This is unprecedented. Yes, that is right. Is it right? Speaking of...

The countdown. Yes. Which we haven't yet. We're now doing it. Yeah, we'll get into the whole grasshopper raccoon ant thing. I do want to get back to that. We do have to talk about the countdown. Look, this is how the bread is made. This is how we pay the bills. And we have the skills to do so.

We have the skills in order to have the bills paid. Well, I hire someone to pay the bills. There we go. That's a skill in of itself. The ability to accrue money and pay someone to do things. I got the skills to hire a bill player. Player. Hey, player. Hey, player. Will you pay my bills? Player, will you pay my bills?

All right. Guys, if this is your first time listening... It is also your last. Sorry about all the singing. But Paul and I need to warm up. This is how it happens. This is how we do it. It's Friday night. That's right. I guess the feeling's right.

But it is night, by the way. This is atypical. I pointed at the window. Hollywood nights, and Paul is pointing at the window. Right over there. We usually do this during the day. And this is... You know what? We had to do it at night to fit it into our busy schedule, but here we are. Now, we're risking...

Being attacked when we leave this building. That's right. By creatures of the night. You know who else comes out at night? The freaks. The freaks. Ah! The freaks! Now, what... You know... I hope that a super freak will defend us against the freaks. Well, the super freaks, like freak freak, you mean...

Oh, he has all the proportionate strength of a freak. Yeah. But he's a freak. Freak abilities. Yeah. You think that a super freak would defend human beings against other freaks? I think much like a Superman would defend extraterrestrials.

For men, I think a freak would be on the other side. Hold on a second. Superman himself is an extraterrestrial who defends human beings against other extraterrestrials. How could I forget that? I submit to you, Brainiac, Mr. Mitzel. Don't say his word back. His name. His word. Don't say his word. What's your word again, Scott Ackerman? My safe word? You have two words. It's just my name. What's your first word? My first safe word is Scott.

That's what a great safe word. Scott! Things get too rough. Yeah, I just yell at my... Hard to forget. That's right. You know what I mean? That's right. Unless you have amnesia. Oh, do you? Let me check. I don't remember. I don't know. Amnesia. Paul, you have a topping hat. I do. I have a little... This is my little hat for the winter. Oh, very good. It is winter. It's a winter's night. It's a low top hat. It's a low top hat. It is, yeah. It's like a half top. Half top, yeah. I requested a half top.

Looks like a half-calf when you're getting coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a half-top? Can I get a half-top just for my head-top? Half-top for head-top. And everyone at the haberdashery knows what that term is. Yes. It was busy there today. Really? Everyone's getting half-tops, regular tops. Everyone's getting top hats of all different shapes and sizes. I was in St. Louis recently, and there is a— Arch business? Arch business.

Yeah, there's an arch business that just makes... Oh, no, I thought you were there on arch business. Oh.

What if there's an arch business who was like, wow, we got one in the can. Business is going to be picking up after this. That sustained us for a while, but the coffers are getting low. Did I tell you that I had once convinced Kurt Braunhauer when we were on tour in Portland that there were so many bridges there because the city of Portland made a bunch of them and couldn't sell them? No.

He was like, really? I was like, other cities, they defaulted on him, so they had to keep them. But see, that's the kind of thing. I feel like if you told me that with a straight enough face, I would probably... You'd have to think about it for a second. Yes, I would. I can't blame Kurt completely. No, no. He's...

He's not blameless, certainly. Now, no. And you are blameful. Yes, but he has some culpability in this. No, absolutely. It takes two to tango. Sure, certainly. Did you laugh in his face when you realized he was taking you seriously? Oh, my God. He was so embarrassed. He was like, because I got really close to him. Because I think if you laugh in someone's face, you need to be about one inch from them. You need to be nose to nose. Otherwise, it's not laughing in their face. Yeah. You need to be nose to nose or your nose in his toes and his toes in your nose. Wow.

I suppose. Where's that from? Okay. So anyway, I was in St. Louis and there was a haberdashery and I was just thinking how lonely. And someone said you had been there. In St. Louis? In St. Louis, yes. I was there doing the WITS program. In St. Paul. Oh, that's where I was. You're talking of Jaime's. Yes. And yes. Shout out to Jaime's. Shout out to Jaime's. Jaime's for life.

Oh, Hymie Town. Remember that? Oh, that got the Reverend Jesse Jackson in some trouble. Oh, a little bit. And now he's back and thinner than ever. You're conflating the St. Louis arch of Al Sharpton with the...

The setting of the Mary Tyler Moore show, which is the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Yes, Jaime's haberdashery, and I've bought many items there over the years. But how lonely is the haberdasher? He's a pretty lonely guy. You know what I mean? Not a lot of call for him lately. No, you know what? He was sitting there. I remember I saw him in the corner of the shop, and he had cobwebs on him.

Did you have to blow them off of him? I did. I did. He woke with a start, perched his spectacles on his nose. Threw up the sash. I actually bought... The last time I was there, I tried on a hat...

That I could not commit to. I think because my wife was there. She was back at the hotel. My wife! Oh, no. It's back. It is back. It is back. It is back. It is back. It is back. It's back. My wife.

And then after I got back home to Los Angeles, I called them up and I bought that hat over the phone. Oh, man. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Describe the hat, first of all. Listeners want to know. It's a black, black sort of Homburg-type hat. And it's got a silver band and silver trim around the brim. It's beautiful. Oh. And a Homburg, is that the one with the curved top? Yeah.

I don't know what you mean. Like a St. Louis arch? Almost like a bowler, but different. Do you know what I mean? It's sort of like a fedora, but without the dents in the front. Although you can put dents in the front if you like, which I do. Okay. Why do you put dents in your hats? I like the way it looks. Isn't that implying that there are dents in your head? That's what I'm trying to make people think. Almost like trepanation? Yeah. I want people to think that I've had all the evils...

taken out of my head, leaked out of my head. That's how ancient barbers used to do it. And my barber today. Just banging on your head with a ball-peen hammer. They would take a... Well...

Scott, there's a little bit more to it than that. Well, I mean, I'm dumbing it down, of course, for the layperson. They'd use a sort of chisel and make a hole in your skull so that evils could come out. Yes, of course. And good air can come in. Yeah, they don't just hit you with a hammer. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't mean to imply that. Anyway, shout out to Hymie Town. Hymie!

In a town. But we do have to get back to the countdown. For those of you listening at home, or maybe you're listening on the bus. Oh, the only two places, right? Yep. Home or in the bus. If you're listening in a car, be careful. The cops can pull you over. Hey, if you're in... They can pull you over any time. I don't know... Is that a podcast you're listening to? Has a cop ever pulled over a bus because he saw somebody in the window of the bus and didn't like the way they looked? They should. They should.

You know what I mean? I mean, they can, right? I guess they could. Everybody would be unhappy about it, but cops can do as they please. I don't know that you can pull over anyone because you don't like the way they look. Well, but you can pull over the driver. If you don't like the way they look, no, you can't. You have to suspect them of... I'm not saying you're supposed to. Oh, but they do all the time. They do. DWB. All the time.

What's that mean? Driving while black. Oh. Yeah. That's a little code for, oh, I got pulled over for what? A DWB. I see. Yeah. And does this happen to you? Yeah, all the time. That's my code is what I'm saying.

It's not a great code. I have a black car. Oh, I see. Anyway. But we're the countdown. What are we talking about? We have to talk. We have to talk about it. Okay. Countdown. The countdown. What it is. We do this show. It comes out once or twice a week. Now, Scott, you say we. But it's you who does the show. I'm talking about Cody. Oh.

Engineer Cody is here. Engineer Cody is here. No, meaning myself and my funny friends, we do this show every week. Just trying to have fun. And we have fun. And we do them all year. And then at the end of the year. All goddamn year. While we're all on vacation to our, you know, Saint Tropez.

Is that a place? Yeah. Okay. Saint-Tropez? Saint-Tropez. That's what it is. Okay. That's Bandi Soleil. Get Bandi Soleil if you want the Saint-Tropez tan. Oh, okay. I will. Thank you. I've been meaning to do that. You're welcome. But while we're all on vacation, we do these best of so you can hear the best clips from the previous year. And we had a banner year. I mentioned it before, but this is maybe perhaps the best year. It's a beautiful banner, by the way.

Yeah, I don't know. I kind of threw it together last minute. What? Yeah. I thought that was store-bought. Oh, no. I took a calligraphy class. It's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. It's beautiful. Thank you so much. I mean, yeah. Could you tell that it was actually penned and not stamped? I thought it was machine-inked. Mm-hmm.

Thank you. And I was judging it, too. I was like, oh, this guy. Judge, jury and executioner. Judge, jury and executioner. Who said that? Did somebody say that on this show? I don't know, but I like it. Judge, jury and executioner. I know I heard that. That's your joke somewhere. No, it's not. It's somebody's. I forget who it is. I forget where I heard that. I enjoy it. It is funny. I guess that's why it stuck with me. It's certainly not me. I like to imagine that someone pissed on her leg, called it rain, and then she executed them. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Didn't we? We've talked about that. We have talked about Judge Judy executing people, right? I don't know. It runs together. We've done a lot of these shows. We are up to 200 and what are we up to now? 236, 34, something like that. That's too many. That's too many.

Oh, 200. No, 263. No, too many. And then some best ofs and a whole bunch of live ones. Too many. I did just shy of 100 this year. I did 97 episodes this year. Wow. Now, how many weeks in a year are there? There are, I believe, unless it's a leap year, there are 52 weeks in a year. On a leap year, there are 53. So you're saying you did more. You did just about more.

Two episodes a week? Just about, yeah. Just about, yeah. Including the live ones. Because 50 plus 50 is 100. I don't know about that. Then 2 plus 2 is 4. That's 104. That is 104. And then you did how many did you say? I did 97 of this show. Oh, well then I take it back. Yeah, so 7 shy. Not that impressive. Not that impressive. But we did a lot this year. And so that's why we have...

Extra... What am I trying to say? Extra-sized? What did they say? Super-sized. Super-sized. Like the Superman of sizes. Super-sized me. Yes, I will! That's why we have a Super-sized Best Of this year. We're doing four episodes. All right? Four Best Of episodes. Oh, that's courting disaster. Yeah, that's according to Jim. And executioner. According to Jim and executioner. I like that, too. Oh, my God!

So we have to get to it. What are we going to do while we listen to this? We're going to count down your top 15 this year, not your top 10. Because there's your now. Scott, may I? Yes, you may. I think the reason there's usually a top 10. That's traditional. Yep. Tradition. Tradition.

Tradition. Tradition. But you're saying because this is what I'm inferring. Tell me if this is what you're implying. Let me see if I'm implying it. I do know you're inferring it. There's so many good episodes. It was too hard to confine it to ten. Too hard. Too hard. Plus the- There were five other good ones. The bottom six or so are so close that-

that I felt it was just wrong not to include them. And we have the time. Why not put out four best of episodes? Why not? The bottom six are neck and neck. Meaning 15 to nine or so were so close that I just thought, you know what? We shouldn't just do a top 10. But then once you get into...

8 through 1. Some of those are close within those. We'll talk about it as we go. I don't want to jump ahead. No spoilers. All right. So we have to get to it. We're going to be counting down today 15 through 12. And we're also going to have a couple of bonus clips. What kind of clips? I guess I mean...

There will be several of those. Now, I thought we agreed you would take care of the buh-buh-buhs. I would take care of the suh-suh-suh-suh. And we both did buh-buh-buhs. No. Did I only do buh-buh-buhs? I waited my turn, sir. I waited my turn. Suh-suh-suh. So sorry. You're a good buh-buh-buh-buh boy. From here forth and herewith. Heads forth and forevermore.

I shall do B's, you shall do S's. I say to you, Captain Phillips. Was JFK in that movie? I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, that's right.

So let us get to it. No more dillying nor dallying. Let us get to your number. Which number is this? 15. Number 1-5. That's right, number 1-5, 15. That's shoddy. Number 15. This is a great clip to start with. This is from episode...

Delicious anticipation. Which episode is this? Scott, you're really teasing everyone. This is exciting. I've listed the number of every episode except for this one. Oh, this is episode 203. All right, this is episode 203. The Vicar of Yanks. Oh, I like this episode a lot. This episode is a great one. The Vicar of Yanks. This is Weird Al Yankovic and...

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. What's this now? The writer of the Phantom of the Opera. The Broadway composer? Yes, Jesus Christ Superstar.

On Light Express? Yes. Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dream coat. Do you think I sound like a musical robot? By the way, I got a little voice robot there for that last section. It was good. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty good. Did you make it like you made the banner? Yeah, I did. Yeah. It's sort of a short circuit type of thing. I'm getting into robotics and calligraphy. Yeah, he's a lad. I'm getting into robotics and calligraphy.

All right. This is the Vicar of Yanks. I don't think there's a lot to – sorry. I am late at night. We're both – I feel like we're on the same throat clearing cycle. I know we are. We're doing it right. I think I'm good now. I think I swallowed whatever it was. I'm a perfect person. Okay.

This is the Vicar of Yanks. Doesn't need any kind of setup other than Weird Al, our good old friend is here, and our good friend Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is here. The whole gang. The whole gang is here. Let's hear from that. Number one, five, six.

Weird Al Yankovic is here, one of our favorite guests of all time. Why, thank you, Scott! Hurrah! Oh, please. A round of applause for Weird Al and Yankovic. That was so nice of you to stand. Here's American royalty as well. Do you hold some sort of a royalty title? I am, you know, the vicar of Yanks back in the old country. That's true. So we have confirmation. I know you weren't listening to the early part of the show. Are we talking about that earlier? Yeah, we were. Oh, yeah.

Al, thank you so much for being here on what I have to guess is your fifth appearance on the show? Let's go with fifth. And you were on the TV show the last time we saw each other. You were on the TV show last season, the season finale. Was that the last season? I thought there'd be another one. Well, of course, yeah. We're coming up on

So it's not really the last season, is it? I believe... Okay. I won't quibble. It could be the penultimate season. We don't know. It very well might be. Vicar, he has trouble with the English language. Ah. What he means to say is previous season. Oh. So now it makes sense. Thank you. Thank you. You guys seem to speak the same language, right? Yes. Countrymen after a fashion. That's right. That's right. So what year did your family come over here?

Oh, gosh. It was in the late 13th century, I think. Oh, my gosh. On some sort of Mayflower type ship? On a raft, on a small raft. On a small raft? Yes. All the way from England. It was an accident, as I understand. It wasn't intended, no. Fairly accidental. You're just kind of meant to go out in a pond or something? It was supposed to be a three-hour tour. And yet, they wound up coming to America centuries before it was, you know. Steaming trunks of Hawaiian chips? Yeah.

They brought them right over, yes. Really? So these are family heirlooms that you wear. Yeah, they float. You know, Hawaiian shirts. Of course. It's a bit of it. Not many people know that. They're the one piece of clothing that floats. That's why I always wear Hawaiian shirts on an airplane, because if we go down, you don't have time to reach for the life jacket. I'm good. So you only wear them on an airplane.

Pretty much only on airplanes. You're about to catch a flight? Yes. Right after this podcast, I'm out the door, out to LAX. I see. Boy, a traveling guy. Yeah. Always on the move. Always on the move, man. Yes. Al, what have you been up to? We haven't heard you on the podcast for a year. It's kind of a personal question, Scott. It is, but I'm going to go there. Oh.

What have I been up to? Oh, gosh, I'm working on the new album. I'm going on the road. I'm playing Bonnaroo this year. That's going to be fun. Oh, so fun. Now, Bonnaroo, I've heard of this. This is where a bunch of people, they stand around in the out of doors. The Bonnaroovians you're talking about. They're indulging in alcohol and drugs, and they have a contest to see who can smell the most.

Who can smell the most? Yes. What sense do you mean that in? Who can give off the most pungent odor? Oh, oh, oh, because I'm really good at actually smelling the most in terms of guessing people's odors and what they had for lunch, perhaps. Now, is that a skill, or is that something that is thrust upon you? No, that was part of my DNA. That was something that's been part of my family since the 13th century, pretty much. So when they got on this raft...

They were led by their smells to America, really? In a way, because they sensed a new land out there, a land of opportunity. They smelled it, and they followed that scent. I see. Interesting. Follow your nose. Always good advice. It always knows. True. Always. Not always? Always. That's toucan logic. It's not always valid. We all know three of those make a six-pack.

So, now what I want to know, though, Al, is you're doing Bonnaroon, you have a new album, and when does the album come out? You know, it's on the calendar. I can't be held to this, but sometime in the next 30 years. Okay. Sometime. It's the last album on my contract. Standard three-decade deal. Yes, the three-decade deal. If, you know, by the time I'm 83, it hasn't come out yet, the record company is going to ask for the money back. They release you? Yes. I see. I see.

And this is the last of your contract with... With Sony. Sony! Oh, Sony. Such a difficult studio to get to in the middle of the day. It is! Have you talked to them about that? The traffic is just too heavy on Pico, so I have to... It's just out there in Century City, the furthest point from anywhere on Earth, in the middle of the day. What is this, the Saturday Night Live sketch, The Californians?

You big fan of the Alphabets? If you turn right on La Fianega, though. Weird Al. What are you doing here? Enjoyable sketch. Just bring it up to them. That's all I ask. I will. Okay, thank you so much. Like, make that a negotiation point if you renew your contract. Do you think you're going to renew your contract? I'm...

I'm guessing not. I've been under a record contract since 1982. That might be nice to breathe the fresh air for a while. That's amazing. A question, if you'll permit it, Vicar. Do you do your own contractual negotiations?

Pretty much, yeah. We put the contract, we tape it on the wall, and we throw darts and figure out what parts we want to negotiate. It's all very subjective and by chance. It's like a roulette wheel. I don't think it's by chance. I think it's by divine intervention. I think God guides those darts to where- You think so? I do. I truly believe that. And I did several schools of thought there. Yeah. This may seem like a trivial question, but what type of tape do you use? Do you use Scott's tape?

The Scots tape. Not masking tape. Certainly not. Take the fandom mask down. No! If you use half of the room. Half a masking tape room. I think the fandom is not half a role. I think it is one of the greatest roles in the history of musical theater. Hominem! Scotchrich, you've done it! Thank you so much.

So, wow, it is amazing. If you'll permit me to swallow in the middle of that question. Please do. It is amazing. 31 years under contract. Indentured servitude. Remember when Prince, the little prince, he wrote slave all over his face? Like, you ever feel like doing that? That lasted a week, didn't it? He used ash from the tiny volcano.

Remember how he changed his name to get out of his record contract? I'm changing my name to an odor because I feel like since that's part of our family's lineage, I feel like that would be appropriate. What kind of odor would you be? It's going to be a slightly lavender-ish, slightly basil.

So a little mix of the two. So if you ever smell that, you'll know your records are around somewhere. Well, now, Scottrick, what sort of odor would you be if you were an odor? Gosh, I mean, there's so many great odors out there in the world. There's fresh-baked bread.

Bread? It's a good one. You know, I don't know that I could necessarily own that like Prince owned that symbol. I don't think that symbol existed before the little prince actually... No, he created it. He created it. So I feel like we would have to create scents in order to... Well, much like the vicar has done just now. Yeah. With the basil and the lavender. I believe it would be a lot like creating my own perfume where I just, you know, pour a little bit of this in, pour a little bit of this in. Eau de scotte.

Yes, Odor Scott. Yes, exactly. And just pour a bunch of stuff into it and then, you know, create something new. You know, like all the perfumes are all different, aren't they? All of them. Like snowflakes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No two perfumes are alike. What if a perfume smelled like a snowflake? That's right. Because ice technically is odorless.

But like a dirty snowflake. You know what I mean? Very subtle. Essence. Flash. Essence of snowflake. Yes. That's what I would change it. What about you? Would you call your scent Dirty Snowflake? Oh, I would. That's my online name. How did you know?

Oh, I've chatted with you. That's my Words with Friends code. DirtySnowflake27. We should play Words with Friends, by the way. I played with someone for a while, and she got... I don't know. I don't want to go into it, but it sounds fascinating. Is it that Gillian Jacobs? Yeah, Gillian Bellows Jacobs. Do you know, I had a game of Words with Friends going on with her for quite some time. You did. She's terrible. Wait, did she keep it going?

She did keep it going. I tried to quit it a million times. She kept her game going with you? She said, please, please don't quit the game anymore. You're the only person I want to play with. Oh! These other people, I keep having to quit games with them over and over and over. These foul idiots. Foul? Is it because of the words I wouldn't?

I would. Oh, I feel I've said too much. I believe you have. I never put it together. Scottrick, please do forgive me. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. I mean, you haven't hurt my feelings. The situation's hurt my feelings. I don't blame people for relaying. From the Jersey Shore. Homonyms.

But Al, 31 years. Yes. The history. Oh, the history. The Capitol Records building. I don't know. Remember that? Is it still there? Maybe. The Victrola. After the apocalypse. 78 RPM. Little dog listening to music. Remember all this stuff? Remember my first 78 RPM record? Gosh, so much history. So easily breakable. Nathaniel King Cole.

That's right. The music industry in general just has so much history, and you're a part of that. It must feel amazing. It was so nice to be a footnote in the Rolling Stone music guide. No. No, you would be at least a mention. A footnote and a mention. Yeah.

Unmention and then there would be a little number, a footnote next to it to explain who you were. Do you know what? I've always wanted to get one of those little swords. Oh, yeah. The thing that makes people look you up is the little tiny sword. I want to be a sword with the three notches. So I would be the third time that they would have necessary. It would be necessary to have a sword. I don't want to be an asterisk. I want to be a sword. Yes, of course. You're talking about a sort of sword cubed.

The little sword and then it has like three notches on it as in this is the third sword on the page. I haven't seen that one in quite a while. Yes, yes. Thank you for that trip down memory lane. Maybe that'll be what I change my name to. The sword with the three notches. Yes.

It's going to wreak havoc with the publishing industry. I wonder what that would smell like. What would it reek of if it were a smell? Oh, hominins! But Al. Yes, Scott. So many hits. So many. I can't even count them. How many number? As if there were an infinite number. How many number one hits have you had? Number one. Gosh, I can't even. Zero.

Zero number one hits. Actually, I can count them. I thought I wouldn't be able to, and yet I have. Not even in the comedy charts. Oh, on the comedy charts, yeah. Does that count? Eh, not really. Not really. But in the regular charts, what's the highest you went? Oh!

I've had a couple top tens. I think the last two albums went top ten. The last two? I mean, that's amazing to have your later records be the most popular records you've ever done. It's a slow build. You know, I didn't want to be the kind of artist that, like, you know, hits number ones right out of the box. I wanted to wait 30, 40 years, have a slow build.

Bill, the slow climb and hit the top of the parabola. And I think I'm going to peak with my next album. It's going to be my best album. And after that, the slow ride down. Slow decline as an independent artist. I have a question. Yes. Do you feel as if your best work is yet to come? It is. I'm doing it right now. In this room. What? So they're not yet to come, but in the immediate future. In the immediate future. Which is the present. Yes.

Now it's the present. Now it's the present. And you're blowing my mind. Oh, why did I eat that peyote button before coming in? Oh, my gosh. Mr. Weber or Lord Webster. I'm not. I'm not. Mr. Webster. I'm not so high that I can't detect that insult to my station. How often do you get high, by the way?

Usually of an afternoon. Every afternoon? Yes, shortly after 4 p.m. Alan, I know you have younger listeners as well, but how often have you been high, would you say? I have never. You've never been high? No, I'm looking forward to it. Not a single drug ever? I haven't gotten around to it. Does Flintstones aspirin count? No.

Because I've had a couple Barneys and a Betty once. What about drinking? Have you ever legitimately been drunk? Not legitimately, no. It's been very illegitimate. Yes, yes. Wasn't sanctioned by the council. I probably shouldn't say this, but on occasion I have had the occasional blueberry daiquiri. Blueberry daiquiri. Because you live in Hawaii sometimes. Sometimes you have to do it. Sure. When you drink a blue drink, do you feel as if you're in the future? Yeah.

I only order drinks by color. Like, I'm feeling kind of periwinkle today. Make me something periwinkle. Now, this is what I'm talking about. This is wealthy person's behavior. This is how it is, Scottrick. Maybe one day you'll do. How wealthy are you? It would blow your mind. I honestly, you've had so many hit records in an era where having hit records meant you were rich.

You know, so like I just I can't imagine having that much money. I was selling records in the day when people actually bought records. Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, I remember I was thinking about this. Remember the 90s when everyone had just to buy one song, they would buy a person's record. Remember that? It was $15.99. And to have a hit song, you had to say both the MF word and the N word. Yeah.

You had to have the sticker on? Yeah. It said MFN? Yeah. It's just a crazy time. But getting back to it, how wealthy are you? Well, I don't want to make you jealous, but I have actually two TV sets. My goodness. Yeah, thank one for the living room. Two separate houses?

In several houses. How many houses do you own? Four houses, but only two TV sets. So sometimes the hard part is transporting the TVs to the houses as we need them. Because it's not a carry-on. You have to check a television if you're flying on an airplane.

I almost said a teleplane. Oh, I wish someone would invent one. Oh, my gosh, a teleplane. How amazing would that be? It would just teleport you. The most amazing. You would have to walk into a plane-like structure. That's right. But then once you sat down. You sit down, buckle up. And waited for 20 minutes while they closed the doors. Stupid announcements. Just turn off everything. Yes. And then, boom, you're teleported to where you want to be. Wait for people to get yelled at for not turning off the telephones. Yes, of course.

And then you would have to go through security for a good two-hour period. Remove your shoes. Yes. Top hats. Topping hats. Medals. Medals, really? You have to remove your medals. I never thought about that. Would you credit it? They ask me to remove my medal when I go through the metal detector. And what I try to explain to them is it's not that type of metal, darling. It's not a metal detector. It's a metal detector. It shouldn't meddle with you. Exactly. Oh, Harvey!

We're doing it. We are doing it.

Um, Al, what can we expect on the new album? I know you like to keep it- You should not expect anything. Songs? What can't we expect? I want you to have extremely low expectations. I want you to think that it's just gonna be a horrible- I am. Unfortunately, I cannot accommodate you in that regard. No, no. In fact, don't even expect there to be songs on the next album. I expect it to be like a Marcel Marceau record, just like nothing but silence. And that way, when you put it on and you hear the greatest thing you've ever heard in your life, your mind will be blown. Wow. Viggo, what should we not expect?

Great question. Great question for the ALW. Thank you. Oh, it's very meta. You should not expect the soundtrack to your next musical because that would be a copyright infringement. What if you guys worked together? Gosh, I would love that. Well, we've talked about a collabo for quite some time. It's just scheduling is a problem. Schedule.

Really? Because there's no one to do it? He's constantly shuttling his televisions back and forth between all of his four houses. You know, a lot of people will be upset with me working with you because they're still upset about that sacrilegious musical that you did where you took the Lord's name in vain. Exactly. Jesus Christ superstar. I wish people would understand it's a problem of punctuation. That comma was never supposed to be in there. And for...

40 years that comma has resided in that title. Why? Why did they send it to be proofread? Why? That's the one step. Why? Why did they do it? Cool. Can you believe it?

Oh, no. Lord Webber, please. That plane needed a mask, I think. That would have saved it. Can you imagine if an airplane had a giant half mask? Oh, my God. A teleplane. On its news coon. A teleplane. A teleplane. But if they build a teleplane, they have to have a half mask. Fly upon me. I'll transport you to where you wish to go. Starlight Express 2 teleplane. It's all actors in...

Plane costumes. And they're wearing cross-country skis. Yeah. That's right. I hate to break it. This is like my last Southwest flight. They did the whole thing with costumes and everything. Wow. It was kind of irritating at the time, but now I see that it's got some potential. Do you know, I find those people on Southwest, the employees, they're very funny. Aren't they? They're very funny. I love the parodies. Some of them could be professional comedians. Yes. In my opinion. Is there such a thing? I don't know. Professional comedians? I've tried to be one.

But no one gives you money for that. What about being a jester, though? It's very similar. Oh, that's different. If you're a jester, you're paid in, first of all, not being executed. Sure. That's payment. You get to live in a castle. Yes, it's a bit of a reward in itself. You're exempt from execution. You don't have to live in a dirt hut. You don't have to live in a dirt hut. You're free to if you like. Sure. But who would like? You get mutton, I would imagine. Free mutton. All the mutton you can eat with your hands.

Mead. No utensils, though. I'm a glutton for mutton. You wipe your hands on a passing dog. They're very handy. That's why they had dogs in the castle. Why would you want to have a dog other than that? Exactly. I knew they didn't have utensils, but I didn't know they didn't have napkins or any kind of cloth. No, no, no. They would eat with their hands, you see. And then they would just wipe their fingers on a wiping dog.

Number one, five. All right. Yes, that is a great clip. How does it get better than that? That's what I don't understand. That's only number 15, if you can believe it. I can't. Yes, well. I'm incredulous. You are. I'm looking at him, and he is telling the truth. This strains credulity. We have to take a break. All right. That is just our first clip. When we come back, we will have number 14 coming at you, and you will not believe.

Want to miss that one? Come on back after this. Guys, a lot of you are probably cooking up your New Year's resolutions. Well, I got one for you to slip it in right under the wire. Read more. Make yourself smarter. Well, let me tell you something. From one friend to another, if you're just reading a book, you're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. Download Audible today.

And you can read more and make it easy on yourself because Audible has over 150,000 audiobooks and stand-up sets to choose from. And you can play Audible on tons of platforms. iPods, iPhones, Windows phones, MP3 players. All you need is the desire to read and Audible makes it easy for you. Go to Audible right now if you don't believe me. Go there right now. I swear to God. Go there right now.

You know what you're going to find there, Mr. Smarty Pants? You're going to find a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial. All you have to do is log on to audible.com backslash bangbang to get it. With so many choices, you probably don't even know what to download first. Well, I got a hot tip for you. Bob Odenkirk and David Cross...

Friends of the show, they have a book, Hollywood Said No, that I am on the audio recording of. It's narrated by Bob David themselves and a whole bunch of other people. So get that right away this holiday season. That is a free audio book and a 30-day free trial by visiting audible.com backslash bangbang. Remember, audible.com backslash bangbang for a free audio book and a 30-day free trial, and I'll see you never at the library.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. We are back. Comedy Bang Bang. I am Paul F. Tompkins. My guest today, Scott Oxerman. Hey, thanks so much for having me. Listen, Scott, what is it like when you're on television? Is it good? It's so good because there's a camera pointed at you. Can I stop you? Am I good at questions? No.

I'm not, right? No. I'm bad at it. Yeah. Well, you're poor at it. Oh, thank you. You're question poor. Oh, I'm not morally wrong at it. Question poor, but answer foolish. What? Welcome back to the show. Thank you. Before the break, we heard our number one five episode and-

That was a good one. Andrew Lloyd Webber and Weird Al. And our number, this of course is, our next one is number one four. Number one four. Number 14. Yes, that's right. And this is an episode and this is the end. Enjoy and goodbye. See you next year. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-

This is episode 204. 204. And what do you think this episode would be? I'm going to say this one is... What was the number of the last one that we heard? Ah, you're really holding my feet to the fire on this. I am. I'm a real foot holder. That was 203. The one right before. This is the very next one, if you can believe that.

It's probably an okay episode. Well, it's better than the last one. Really? Yeah. According to the votes. According to the votes. But I didn't vote, so I get to complain. Isn't that how it works? That is true.

Yes. Amazingly, these are right next to each other in the countdown and they were sequential episodes. And this is an episode called The Peppermen. Oh, boy. The Peppermen. Yes. Now, here's what this is. Zach Galifianakis, major movie star. That's right. Former comedian. I'll tell him you said that. He's, and he probably would not disagree. He.

He is on the show in this episode, along with John Daly, who people would know from Betas, which is out on Amazon right now. People can watch that. And he is a writer and producer on The Kroll Show. That's correct. They are friends.

And then they talk about a certain band a lot in this episode. There's a clue in the title. Yes, there is. Men. There are a lot of men in this band. That's right. Could be the Beatles. There were four of them. John, Ringo. George. Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh. Yes. Yes.

The lads from Liverpool! Hello, it's me, Gilgamesh. It's me, John Lennon, the biggest creep in the world. What's happening, John? Hello, Gilgamesh. I wish people talked about me more. Oh, well, unfortunately we kept you in the closet. Remember when the girls were throwing jelly babies at us? Oh, jelly baby is me favourite candy.

Is that what those are? Yeah. All right. That's right. And ten more minutes. All right.

That's a bench words. That's right. Whatever happened to him? Maybe we'll hear from him. Maybe we'll hear from him. But okay, the Peppermint, and then also Neil Campbell was a guest on this episode. Is it not Camp Bell? It's written like Camp Town Ladies. Right. But a bell instead of town ladies. Right. Yeah. That's how I remember how to spell it, for sure. Right, but it's Cam Bell.

Campbell. By the way, you should ask what his original name, what his name should be. That's an interesting teaser. Okay. Yes. You should ask him about that because it's not his personality at all. All right. It's a cryptic clue anyway. But the Peppermint, Neil Campbell comes out at the end and he has something interesting to talk about. So let's hear that. This is number one for. Number one for.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Zach Galifianakis, our good friend, good friend of the show, good friend in life. He told me what I wrote that was so funny, and I agree, it was funny. Very funny. But we cannot share it with the listeners here because it was a private exchange between the two of us.

And we have a, speaking of a private exchange, let's open it up a little more and make it a little less exclusive by inviting another good friend of ours to the show here. John Daly is with us. How's it going, guys? It is going. How you doing, Zach? John, nice to see you. What's up, Scott? How's it going? The sky, for one. Nice. Clouds.

Space shuttles? All right, yeah. Satellites? Not anymore. Space shuttles shut down. That's true. Yeah. Gotta update my joke. Yeah. John, a lot of people know you from the show. You've been on the show many times. Yeah, played many, many characters. Bill Cosby Bukowski. Bill Cosby Bukowski, Frasier Boss. Dr. Frasier Boss. Zappity Tappity.

Many characters. But yeah. Let's put all that aside. Let's talk to you as you. Yeah. Let's talk to me as me. And Zach and I have a podcast that we're going to be premiering pretty soon on Earwolf that is called The Peppercast. Peppercast. Sounds exciting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. It's we are we we've.

Zach and I... Zach's a little bit older than me, but we've lived in Los Angeles for a while, and the reality of our lives is we're in show business, and we know the peppers, and... Wait, wait, wait. When you say you know the peppers, do you mean the... The Red Hot Chili Peppers. RHCPs? Yeah, we're huge peppermint. Like, we're huge peppermint in general, but we also happen to know... I mean...

To know the Peppers. So you started out as fans, but now you're friends? We started out as fans. We started out as super fans. And then eventually, just from living in L.A. and living our lives, we eventually got to know the Peppers. Ran into the Peppers once at a party? Or what? Does that count as what happened? Well, we...

First of all, the Peppermint is the group that John started. It's a fan club. Red Hot Chili Pepper fans. We got a theme song. Wait, theme song? Deadheads, Grateful Dead. Sure, sure. Fish Heads? Popper Heads. Popper Heads, John Popper, Blues Traveler. So we're the Peppermint. We're the Peppermint. What's the theme song? Can we... Well, I don't know if there's a theme song, but there's a lot of great... He just said there's a theme song. What do you mean? Well, it's a song. Well, it's in a way a tribute song.

And it's called Abracadalifornia. Abracadalifornia. Yeah, and it goes a little something like this. Okay.

That's the theme song for the Peppermint. For the Peppermint. So you sing that when you guys meet? Yeah, and we, you know, let's just say when we meet, we meet in a basement and we got one sock on and it's not on our feet. Okay? Wait a minute. Hold on. Yeah, well, you know. Let me catch up to this. The Pepper tradition. You know, I don't know if you're into Peppers. The sock's not on the feet, but it's on someplace else. Yeah. I'm assuming probably not the hands because that would be kind of normal. Although it's sort of funny. The dick.

The Dick. Whoa! Yeah! Got it. Loud and clear. I've been on the podcast a few times. I mean, you know a little, maybe, of what I've been up to. But Zach, everyone knows what Zach's been up to. Zach, you were Flea's midwife. Yeah. Midwife for Flea's wife? Yeah, whoever the lady is. Wait, you don't know who? Well... Who you were the midwife to? Well, Flea has a...

No, I don't want to talk out of turn, but there's, you know... Well, I mean, yeah. He's pretty open about it. When you're intimate with the Red Hots... Yeah. The Peppers. He likes to call them the Peppers. Oh, you're... The Peppers, yeah. Anyone call them the Chili's? Or...

Chili Peps? I know a lot of people call them Chili Peps. Chili Peps, that's cool. That's cool. I could get into that. Have you guys not thought of this in all your meetings? Chili Peps. Seems like this would have been territory that was well covered. I'll have to look through the minutes. John, do you mind singing the song again? Just to really call the meeting to order? Yeah, let's pretend we're doing it right now. Let's pretend we're meeting.

Do you want me to lay down any kind of like funky bass? Can you do a Reggie Watts kind of bass line? Yeah, no problem. Here we go. Ready? First I'll do the drum track. Yeah. The Target thing.

is much better than the Target in Hollywood. It's got an escalator that goes upstairs. You can put your shopping cart on the tube.

Oh, yeah. Ice is cold. Fire is hot. I got a lot of sperm in my fucking nuts, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. Bring a bong, a bong, a bong. Burbank. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity. Podcasts are fun because I do it. Give me a little bit of screw.

Tell me, Lord, what the peppermint say. Tell me, Lord, what the peppermint say. Tell me, Lord, what the peppermint say. Hit it, Flea. Hit the bass line. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

Cool drums. Good drumming on that. Very good. That's a good version. I like that. I love how he called out the peppermint. That must be a thrill for... That took us a long time to get that in that song. Yeah, I mean, it should start with that. Yeah. All right, well, we have to get to our next guest, of course. And, you know, we can further talk about the Peppers on your podcast, of course. But let's turn to...

Neil Campbell's on the show. Welcome back, Neil. Hi. Thanks for having me. You've been on the show several times before. You always have something interesting going on. And what I found interesting when you contacted me this time about coming on the show was that you said you're now a playwright. Sounds so weird to say playwright, but yeah, I guess I am a playwright now. Wow. So you've written your first play? I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Okay. So you're a playwright and that's what you wanted to come on to talk about? Well, yeah. I mean, I just feel like, I mean, the theater. Oh. Yeah.

It's just such a magical place. Oh, yeah. Zach, John, did either of you guys start in the theater? No, but Flea did. I mean, I don't know what to go back on. No, we can. Yeah, we can talk about Flea. I don't want to take over. Neil, I don't want to talk about Flea. No, no, we can talk about Flea. I'm happy to discuss. Yeah, we can talk about Flea. Flea played Tony in his sophomore year production of West Side Story.

And sang Maria and realized, I don't have the pipes for this. I don't have the skills. So we tried straight acting, did the straight play. It was The Mousetrap by Agatha Christie. Did The Mousetrap, did Raisin in the Sun, did...

Burned through a bunch of classics. Came to New York, tried his hand all the while. Tony and Tina's wedding. Back with the bass. I played Tony in Tony, Tony, Tony. A lot of people don't remember that. It was me, Raphael Sadiq, and another guy. I never got his name. Wow. You won a Tony for that as well. I did. It was weird. He also did Cat on a Hot...

Chili pepper. Red hot chili pepper. Cat on a red hot chili pepper. Excuse me one second. We need to pause to hear exactly what you're saying. Please say it right into the microphone. I don't remember the details. Wait, wait, wait. You're talking about Cat on a Hot Chili Pepper Roof? Thank you. God, for years. Oh, that's by California Williams. All right. So anyway, the theater, Neil, is your new love. It is. I mean, if you've ever been in the theater.

Yeah, I have. Yeah. You know, I mean, they say that when you're up on stage, you dance with the gods because only gods and artists can create. Oh, that's interesting. I guess you're right. Yeah. Because you're sitting in the theater, the lights go down.

When they come up, you don't know where you're going to be. You know, you could be in a dingy tenement apartment or a majestic palace, a hippie loved inn or a war-torn battlefield. You never know. You never know. I mean, I guess if you read the reviews before you go to the play. Or the program. Or the program, yeah. Sometimes it has that Act I, 1946, a tenement house, so then you would know. Sure. You could find it. There are literally hundreds of ways you could spoil it for yourself.

But you don't suggest that? No. What do you think people should do when they go to the theater? Should they know anything about a play? Not even the title? They shouldn't even look at the marquee as they enter. They should just sight unseen, pay for a theater ticket, and just walk in and see whatever is playing. Just walk in, sit down, face the correct direction. Okay, good. That's a good start. What if I could pay a woman to blindfold me and lead me in?

into the theater so I know absolutely nothing. What if you could pay one of the chili peppers to do that? Or one of the chili peppers. Or one of their wives if they're busy. Yeah. I mean, who knows? I think the theater has a strong tradition of

rock stars wives leading people into the theater because rock stars are too busy yeah yeah well you gotta text them and see yeah yeah yeah sorry well the theater has a long tradition of people texting rock stars wives yes to see if they're too busy or not to blindfold you to blindfold them as they walk in so that yeah okay we all know that yeah right so I didn't you know you're sitting there you don't know where it's gonna and then you don't know who's gonna enter you know it could be a beautiful princess it could be

A recovering alcoholic desperately eyeing a bottle of booze. A salesman. A sucker. Anyone can walk through those doors. Yeah, anyone. Wow. Maybe you looked at the cash list ahead of time. Sure. Let's assume you're going with our first plan. And there is something of the disbelief, you know, the... What do you call that? The... Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief where, like...

An actor will walk in and I'll go, oh, hey, I know who that actor is. And then they'll start talking. I'll be like, they're not talking about being an actor. Right. They're talking about some stupid shit about like, I just bought this house and I'm going to leave it to my... Yeah. And then all of a sudden you got to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're actually watching... I'm...

activating my disbelief, I should be suspending it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's great. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm rambling on a bit about my love of the theater. No, I love because I've been trying to write my own play lately. I love talking about the theater. I mean, we had Justin Kirk on a while back and we talked about the theater. So it's one of my favorite topics. I love it. I mean, but it can be intimidating to write your own play.

I can imagine. I've only, I mean... I mean, you're a writer. You're familiar with the scourge of the blank screen. Sure, yeah. I mean, I don't do it on a computer. I do it longhand. Oh, I'm Smith Corona for me. Oh, okay. But, you know, it's an art form. It's already been mastered.

By O'Neill, by Chekhov, Ibsen, Beckett. Pinter? Shakespeare, for God's sakes. Let's not forget about him, right. So what can I say that they haven't already said? I guess you're right. That must be difficult. That was the problem I was having. But then you know what? The answer came to me in the words of the immortal bard himself.

To thine own self be true. Okay. Yeah, you know. Which the Peppers, not to get back on them. Please, let's get back on them. The Peppers. Absolutely, yeah. They had a sound that. Punk. Funk. No one else was thinking of combining all these. Well, P-Funk did. Yeah, Punk and Funk, yeah. P-Funk, but they weren't. P-Funk was Funk. That was short for Parliament Funkadelic. Yeah. More than Punk and Funk. Chipper. Chipper.

Chili Peppers, Chippers is another. The Chippers, yeah. Especially Flea was influenced heavily by Bootsy Collins and Merle Haggard, musicians, all different sorts and stripes. But to their own selves, they were true. To thine own self be true. Yeah. True of all the Peppers. If you could do that in play form with your writing, then I... You can't keep comparing yourself to the greats.

If you're a new rock band, you can't compare yourself to the Peppers. To the Chippers, yeah. You have to just be true to yourself, your own experience. And that's what you're trying to do with your play? Right, the truth is I know... Exactly. So, you know, my play...

If you don't mind, if I just kind of describe it a bit for you here. I mean, that's sort of antithetical to what you say we should do in the theater, that we shouldn't know anything about it. But if you really want to do that, I guess. It's like my license plate says. Life is full of contradictions. Your actual license plate or the frame around it? No, the license plate. That's a long vanity license plate. I don't think it's legal.

Okay. So, yeah, my play. Your play. Tell us about it. It's not about salesmen. It's not about East Village bohemians or star-crossed lovers. It's about something a little bit more personal to me. It's about a hybrid goose man who escapes from the lab where he was created after falsely being accused of murder and goes on the run with a rapping android named Oil Slick 2.0. If you ask me, that sounds about as good as Hamlet.

So, okay, to your own self be true, and you wrote about a, you say it's a hybrid Gooseman? A hybrid Gooseman. What do you mean by that when you say a hybrid Gooseman? Is it Ryan Gosling? Well, we haven't cast it yet. Right now, it just exists on the page. Okay, so part Goos, part man. Yes, exactly. I mean, well, I can get into this. Okay, yeah, yeah. Because right now you just know the story. But you can't just have a story...

You're putting together a play, you've got to have great characters. Sure, sure. You know, Blanche Dubois is a great character. But my play doesn't have an aging Southern belle. It doesn't even have an old salesman like Willie Loman. You keep mentioning the salesman. You kind of hung up on this salesman guy. I haven't noticed. Okay. But you know what it would have? A vampire who works as a hitman for the Yakuza.

I don't know, that's what's important to me in this modern day and age. So that's, in your play about a hybrid Gooseman, you have another character that's a vampire who's a hitman for the Yakuza. Well, he's on the run, and that's who's chasing him. Oh, the Gooseman's on the run. With Oil Slick 2.0. Oh, okay, okay, great. And you know my play, it may not have the acerbic wordplay of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, but it does have snake guns.

Snake guns. Those are guns that shoot snakes. They have replaced regular guns in this dystopian future society.

Oh, because bullets were too effective or they were not effective enough? Let's just say the government changed their mind about the Second Amendment. Oh, okay. Sorry to get political here. So go on. Snake guns? Snake guns. They shoot snakes at you and I guess the snakes are propelled towards the characters and then bite the people? Bite you, yes, exactly. Are these bullet-sized snakes or are they full-sized snakes? They're full-sized snakes. That was a great question. They are full-sized snakes. Sure.

It's like a rifle. How do they fit into the gun? They're like long rifles. Okay. Like Revolutionary War style. Like muskets? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Snake muskets. The musket is the snake's natural enemy out in the wild. Oh, I never thought about that. That's what that song, Musket Love, is all about. Yeah. Okay. And you know, play's spectacle. That's an important part of a play. Oh, yeah. You have to these days. But you know, my play, it doesn't have a falling chandelier. Like the Phantom with our good friend of the show, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Exactly.

But it does have a sequence where Oil Slick 2.0 does a choreographed dance with a gang of Hispanic teenagers. And then because of that, they help him win his next fight. Hmm. I don't know. Sounds interesting. I don't know. You know what? That feels a little bit more truthful to me than dusting off some old classic...

Like Death of a Salesman. Wow, you really don't like Death of a Salesman. It's a classic. It's one of my favorites. Zach, what do you think about this? Does this sound like a juicy role that maybe you... Which one? There's so many, I know. The vampire, the oil slick. The vampire, the half goose. Half goose, half man? Yes. Which half is which, by the way?

It's one half of the double helix is Goose, the other half of the double helix is Mammoth. So it's all just inherent in his DNA. What's he look like more? Howard the Duck. So he looks exactly like Howard the Duck? Yes. Does he talk like him too? I suppose that's what the stage directions say, yeah. Is he a duck or a goose? No.

No. So he looks like Howard the Duck, yet he's a goose. Yes. Okay. Interesting. No, I see that. Interesting. All right. Keep going. The name of the play, is it... Does it have a name yet? Yeah. Okay. Quacker's Feather Beaks Cuckoo Caper. All right. I don't know. To me, it sounds like you could just...

King Lear, the Cherry Orchard. Sure. Quackers, Featherbeaks, Cuckoo Caper. It fits right in. It does. Yeah, the long lineage and tradition of... It kind of reminds me of Uplift Mofo Party Plank. It really does. It's a mouthful, but it flows. I wonder if Keeds could ever rap. Maybe he could do the music for this show.

For the play? For the play. Yeah. You know how a lot of musicians like Brantford Marsalis. I love Brantford Marsalis. Wynton Marsalis. I love Wynton. Or was it Brantford? I can't remember. One of those guys, they started doing music for plays now. Yeah. Brantford sax, Wynton's trumpet. Man, that might be. Would you be open to that at all? I'd love that. Theater's all about collaboration. What's the title again? Quackers Featherbeaks Cuckoo Caper.

What would that sound like? I think Keats could wrap his mind around that. Let's hear a little bit of that. I love this. Here we go. Do you need to look at the, or do you remember it? I remember that, no. Quackers, Featherbeats, Cuckoo, Caper. I'm a motherfucking really cool guy. I'm a motherfucking really cool guy. Quackers, Featherbeats, Cuckoo, Caper.

Spectacle we don't focus on. Oil Slick is a fucking guy that we're friends with. Let me start over. Let me start over. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think I should start over. I don't think I really did it justice. Say the name of the thing again. Flackers, Featherbeaks, Cuckoo, Caper. Flackers, Featherbeaks, Cuckoo, Caper. Flackers, Featherbeaks, Cuckoo, Caper. Flackers, Featherbeaks, Cuckoo, Caper. I'm at the...

I have a big penis. I put a sock on it. Before I rock it. I'm Lollapalooza. 92, 93. How are you? Back in the day, I had AIDS. But I didn't ever get good grade school. I was on different drugs than that. I went to the pool and went swimming. Oh!

Let's get some ducks. Look like how would the duck? I want to fuck some duck. I'm a fucking guy that likes to fuck people in costumes at Comic-Con. I stick my dick out of a hole in a costume.

Does that work? I do have something like that. I don't know if you like, if that, yeah. Does that encapsulate the theme? I thought it started pretty great. Okay, cool. That's the title of the play. I will say, the play's set in this dystopian future society. It has all these characters. A song where

I don't know, 20 seconds in, it just becomes Anthony Kiedis talking about his own life. Well, I wasn't trying to answer any questions. It would be tough to see how that would fit. I was trying to leave the audience. I know I do challenging stuff, so, you know, it's kind of meanders at the end. But there's hope. It started well, you say. It started well. You said at the time of the play you mentioned a couple of characters that Anthony Kiedis talked about. See, that's what I thought.

I thought it started to heat up there. That's where I thought it started to really go. He did admit he had AIDS. Yeah, well. In the middle of that. During that time. As well as an admission of not getting good grades, as I recall. Right. Didn't get good grades. Had nothing to do with getting AIDS. Number 14.

Oh, good clip, huh? I really enjoyed that clip. That was a good one. Now, full disclosure, I'd heard it before. You have. I heard the episode when it... You're never on the show, but you're a listener. Well, that's why it's so exciting to be here, because I'm such a huge fan of the show. Did you win a contest to be on here? Yes, I did. Oh, good. That's right. Did you put down a winning bid? Yes, I did. Oh, good.

Who did you outbid and how much did you pay? I think I outbid Sir Richard Branson, so this feels great. Ah, yes. And I paid $100. Okay. He's stingy. He's rich, but he's stingy. What was his bid? I think it was $99. Oh, gosh. And he just wouldn't go to $100. He just wouldn't go up. He wouldn't do it. He's like, three digits? No, thank you. It's like it's $1 more, Sir Richard. Two zeros? Pass. Pass.

Why don't you do more characters? I don't know. I'm no good at them. Oh. Oh.

You're poor at them. Oh, by the way. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. By the way, I do do a character on your podcast. What? The Dead Authors Podcast. That's very true. People should listen to this. You've done two characters now on that show. But there's an episode that was just released where I do a man whose name I cannot even remember. That's the most recent episode. You play Clement Clark Moore, the author of A Visit from St. Nicholas, more commonly known as Twas the Night Before Christmas. I didn't do the S on that like I promised. That's...

Thank you. Oh, I hope there was not a B in there somewhere that I accidentally pronounced. Nope. The show is done in front of an audience, so we wear costumes because we're portraying characters. And you showed up with a suit jacket. You turned up the collar. Turned up the collar on your shirt. Wrapped a tie around your neck in a way that people don't wear ties. Yes. And you said, I think I'm –

Too old to have costumes at the ready anymore. Yes. I used to have a bunch of costumes in a closet. Probably had like a little – yes, of course. And I would go, oh, this is my thing that I use when I do this type of character. This is my thing. And then I just like recently I was like, you know what? Why am I keeping costumes around the house to be used one time a year? Yeah.

So I got rid of them all and I just didn't have anything. But it turned out okay. It looked okay. It looked okay in the photo. Yeah, it looked interesting. It looked interesting, yeah. I think people will be intrigued enough that they will say, I'm going to listen to that podcast episode. But people can hear Neil Campbell from the previous Kip and clip. He played Kip on Buzz and Buddies. He did.

That's what his name should be. People can hear Neil and I in that episode. They should seek that out. That is the Dead Authors Podcast. You as H.G. Wells are the host of that. That's right. Neil Campbell played Irving Berlin. Author of White Christmas. That's right. Yes. So now, before we take our next break, we have what I like to call a clip.

And this is from episode 197, a few before these last two that we've heard. This is from an episode called Please Clarify. Please Clarify. This was an episode with Tim Heidecker and John Daly, who we just heard. But you're not going to hear really much of anything from them because this is all Paul Rust all the time doing his patented new no-nos. Yes.

This was a very requested bonus clip, and these are his new no-nos for 2013. Let's hear that right now. Clip.

From what I understand, Paul, you called me up a couple of days ago. You said, hey, man, are you doing a show? You doing a live stream? You doing a podcast? What are you doing? What did I say? Scott, I am cheesed. You're cheesed off. I am peeved. I am ticked, pissed, and ornery. All right. Well, I love to hear what you're so cheesed off about. We all tend to get cheesed in our lives. But what you do is you get cheesed.

And you just turn that somehow, like a comedy rumple stiltzkin, you turn that straw into gold. I like to say a lot of people think I'm crazy, but I just show the crazy things we do. All right. I cannot wait. All right. So, Paul, Rust, what do you need from us for new no-nos? I just need you to start the clock. Oh! Oh!

Yeah. New no-no's, people. New no-no's. What's up with these gas prices, huh? They're always fluctuating. Some days they're up. Some days the gas prices are down. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we make the gas prices all the same price? And we just pay one down payment. Ten dollars a gallon. New no-no. Every day.

Every gallon's $10. And wait, we buy it, we make a down payment on them? Hey, it's not going up, it's not going down, it just stays $10. But could, could we, okay, oh, I get it, okay. No, no, no, you're paying more now. Okay. No, no, no.

How many you got teenagers, huh? Oh boy! Hey, hey, remember when getting sent to your room used to be a punishment? Not with all these Nintendos and TVs and guitars. It's a vacation going to your room. Hey, I got an idea. What if the kids went to the parents' room? No!

What if the parents went to their room? No, no, no. Parents are going to the parents' bedroom now. Oh, they probably just have sex in there. I'll run that by Claire. I don't think it will be popular. No, no, no.

Have you ever seen a movie and you go, uh, yeah, I think I've seen this where before, huh? Seen this where before? I've seen this where before. Sure. I've done that. We've all done that. Hey, I liked The Lincoln Lawyer the first time I saw it, when it was called The Lincoln Lawyer. I saw it twice. Me...

New no-no, I saw Lincoln Lawyer twice, and I thought they were separate viewing experiences each time. That's a good new no-no. New no-no, you ever go into a restaurant and the food they serve you is boiling hot? Burn your mouth? New no-no, all food should be cold now. I like that. Give me a big old plate of ice cold spaghetti.

Matri-D. Really? The Matri-D helps you out with that? He usually just seats you, makes sure everything... No, no, no. The Matri-D's serving me now. Okay, great. I appreciate that. Hey, what about these people who talk so loudly on their cell phones in public places? I hate them! They drive me nuts! These are the people I'm talking about who cheese me off! Yeah!

Hey, I got an idea. If I can't hear the other side of your conversation, then maybe I'll just go home and imagine what that side of the conversation is and perform it all by myself, you moron. You like that, you dum-dum? All right. Wow. You want a couple more new no-no's? Yes. Are you that cheese to give us two more? You must be a cheese. No, no. What's up with hand dryers, huh?

The hot air comes up, up, and goes down. Why can't it come out in a little Tasmanian devil-like cyclone that I have to chase around the bathroom to get my hand dry? No, no, no. Hot air is a cartoon cyclone now. Okay. That would be fun. One more? Do you have one more new no-no? One more new no-no.

Teachers who assign homework on Fridays? God, I hate that. How about this, Teach? Every bit of homework we have to do, you have to do. Okay. Wow. Incredible. Wow. Wow. Hopefully you don't make that one your closing. Check my website. Check my website. I'm selling some of my snotty shirts. Check my website.

Snotty shirts? Snotty? They're my snotty shirts. I got one just in. It's, no, I'm not being sarcastic. I like that. Maybe you could get in on this. Maybe you could show them the square. I don't think so. Tim, if you want to help me out, man, you know I'm a big fan. Maybe if you guys know, if you know a shirt distributor, you could use them for something. Hey! Talk right into the mic if you're going to say something that golden. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Clip. All right. Oh, great new no-nos, huh? How does he do it? Why does he do it? When does he do it? Well, he did it right then in episode 197. All my journalistic questions have been answered then. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will hear your number one three episode, your 13th episode right after this comedy bang bang.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Paula Tompkins is my guest. Comedy Bang Bang, Paula Tompkins guest. And we're up to your number one three episode.

Still not quite sure how to do these. This is episode one, three. Number one, three. This is from episode two, 11. All right. We've heard clips from episode two, three, two, four. This is from two, 11. So two, 11 is the 13th favorite episode. Yes. Okay. This is your pick for number 13. This is an episode. Yes. Maybe not my pick.

Oh, you're talking to the audience? Yeah, collectively. This is your pick. Okay, well, I'm sorry. This is from Lucky 13, by the way. This is from episode 211. This is an episode called April Fools. Oh, sounds fun. April Fools. Now, let me set this up for you a little bit. Please. This is with two people, Jon Hamm. He's one. And Nick Kroll. He's the other. Okay, now, Jon and Nick...

They've been on the show many times together. They're friends of the show. You know John from Mad Men. You know Nick from The League and Krull Show. Sure. This is a testament to how good this part of the show was that the early part of the show John was very late for.

He had a very late Mad Men call. Sure. Woke up as the show was going on, I think, and texted us, like, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Like, scrambled to get out here. And so we did a good portion of the early part of the show, just me and Nick talking and talking about Jon Hamm's texts. And then when Jon got here, he read his texts as Don Draper. So those were fun. Thank God about that.

But this is an interesting part of the show where a couple of, well, first of all, one old friend of the show drops by and then we meet a new friend of the show. A new old friend. A new, he is an old friend now, but he was new then. So let's hear that. This is clip number one, three. Number one, three. Is it exciting for you to know that your character on Mad Men is descended from cavemen?

Aren't we all? Let me think about it. No, I'd say Don Moore. He's a real hunter. Right? Sort of a hunter. Does that pop into your head ever when you're doing a scene of like, oh, holy shit, every human being was once a caveman? That's literally the defining thought. Did they know that? Most of my scenes, when I'm staring out a window and drinking a smoke, I'm like, you guys were all cavemen. Do you ever, when you're doing... By the way, amazing. Because I'm like in the 60s, right? I'm like, by the way, great magic.

mascot for an insurance company someday someday one day someday does don did did don run the geico account yeah he started it when you're doing a scene do you ever have like uh like a bit of human modern knowledge pop in your head like a picture of a computer and it just like takes you out of the scene um like holy shit i'm envisioning a computer yes and no uh because uh i'm uh

an adult, and I think about other things all the time. But do you have to stop down and say to the crew, like, guys, I just thought about a computer. I'm sorry. Don's an innovator. He's seeing into the future. Guys, Atari. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? Guys, sorry. I thought of Pac-Man. Sorry, Atari. Sorry, ruin the take. Can we go back? Can we go back? But I think that Don Draper knows that, so that's what makes him such a

an icon in this industry. You think he's a futurist. You're right. You know? So he sees where everything is going. Now, like, for example, he's obsessed with carousels. Mm-hmm. Exactly. And the musical carousel. What?

Is that what this season is about? I loved you. They're doing a revival of Carousel. He just does all of Billy Bigelow's lines. Maybe a dream ballet in the middle of the... Why not? Yeah. Well, we'd have one more season to explore that. Is this one more left? Yeah. Just one more. Yeah. Let's talk about some of the products that you guys are doing on the show this year. Like some of the things that the ad agency... Let me guess. Socks? Yeah.

We have a sock account. Okay. I don't think I'm spoiling anything here, but Hanes comes in. Hanes, where do we get our Hanes on you? That's a modern slogan. I did not make that up. Okay. Any other ones? Yeah, I would imagine plugs, like electrical plugs. We don't have any plugs. Do they show us a sponsor by plugs? Wait a minute, who's this? Plugs.

Is this two Chupacabras or is this just one? Oh my God, Chupacabras. Chupa, you have a brother that I don't know about? Chupacabro, how are you? It's so nice to meet you. The twin, he's my twin brother. You have a twin

Yes, he's been stuck in Mexico for the last many years. Now he has joined us down in Jalisco. Welcome to the States. This is such a pleasure to meet you. Gracias, Carocoman. Have you ever met Nick Kroll and Jon Hamm? Si, si. Oh, it's very nice to meet you, Jon Hamm. Welcome, how are you? Wait a minute, you've met Jon Hamm several times.

Chupacabra? Yeah. And yet you haven't, and you say you have. No, but he's from another country. He's never been here. Wait, you guys are twins. Have you been, like, swapping, or not bodies, obviously, but have you been, like, taking each other's places? Chupacabra. You know, Juan Jamon is the star of... Mamen. No, you say Los Hombres Enojados. Los Hombres Enojados. Mamen. Mamen. Mamen.

I told him all about the show. My man. But in Mexico, it's Los Hombres Enojados. Oh, of course. Yes. How roughly translated, that's the... Yeah, they call it Mad Men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't drop it.

Don Draper? Don Draper. Don de Draper? No, no, no. Don Draper. Don Draper. Don Draper. Si, Don Draper. In Mexico, Los Hombres Anojados is a show about a man who is a prince. Don Draper. Don Draper. So he's a prince, really. You lose all that he's raised. Yes. Now, is this done mainly in the dialogue that takes the play? Because obviously you don't reshoot an entirely new show. It's a...

Dubbed. It's doblado. It's doblado. What does that mean? Dubbed. It means it's a don't drop it. When you hear don't drop it in Mexico. It's a different voice. Oh, dubbed. Dubbed, yes. So it's all. El Chupacabra, that's the voice. I do the voice. Don't drop it. You do the voice of don't drop it. So you have to replace all the dialogue and all the dialogue is replaced with mentions of him being in a print. He's a prince. Si.

Well, he's the prince of his domain. Okay, so he doesn't work in an advertising agency in Mexico. Well, um...

Sort of. Okay. He is the Don. He is... El Don. Oh, I get it. El Don. Okay. El Don. You know... El Jefe. This family that all live in a weird, non-home-looking place. And this is his principality. Oh, okay. So when he's at work, in the Mexican version of the show, that actually is where he lives. And all, like, Roger and everyone like that is his family? Is that what you're saying? So...

Okay, what an interesting show. Yes, you should hear him do the lines, like the flatness. The flatness line? I would love to hear, yeah, El Chupacabro do some of those lines. Don't have to twist your arm, huh? No, he's this guy. Okay. Here we go. Momentito. It's a different process in Mexico. Yeah, he's really got to get into it.

Flatness somehow equals alarm.

And he's in English. He's in English. Wait a minute. In Mexico. Why are you dubbing the show in English? Because that's how it sounds. So just to have the accent? This is all in Spanish right now. English is all the same. Neither of us speak Spanish very well. Wait, I've never known this about you, El Chupacabra. Why do you think we speak in English? That's the audience.

It's important to understand. Do you know that AMC beat Univision in Mexico? It's crazy. So Univision does better here than it does in Mexico. Yes, it's very popular. Because it's all in Spanish.

So you're from Mexico and you don't know any Spanish at all, practically. This doesn't make any sense, but I'm learning so many interesting things about you. You didn't know I had a twin brother in Chupacabra. I have to confess, the last few times you've been on the show, it's been...

Just ask a question. Just ask a question. We're right here. How am I supposed to know to ask the question, do you have a twin brother who has a very similar name to you? Show some interest. Taking your fellow man. I'm so sorry. Okay. Can I ask you some questions, El Chipacabro? What was your mother like?

Well, mama. She was a beautiful woman. She was with many men. Lovely. She was a lovely woman. She was with many, many, many, many men. Do you share the same father? No. Wow. Did your mother have sex with two different men in one night? Yes. And one of you is from one of them and one of you is from the other? Yeah. My father was Ray Donaldson.

Ray Donaldson? Ray Donaldson. Wait, Ray Donaldson. Why is that ringing in your head? You may know his name. He plays the actor who plays the most interesting man in the world. Oh, yes, that guy. But this was when he was not the actor playing the character of the most interesting man in the world. He was just the most interesting man in the world. Oh, okay. Name Ray Donaldson. Interesting. And my father is Ray Kroc.

Who was literally the most interesting guy in the world. Because he invented McDonald's. McDonald's, right, yes. I was going to say Carl's Jr. There were the two McDonald's brothers. Right. Come here, Rick Kroc. But Rick Kroc elevated the company. Franchise. He was the franchise. So you come from money, and you just come from... No, no, no, no, no. They both came down. They had their way with their mother. She was an old couch. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And then we, you know. My mom was the town bike. She was a bike, but shaped like a couch.

Your mother was a bike. A very comfortable bike. Okay, interesting. That's shaped like a couch. Like a climbing bike. Like something you would see at Burning Man. Oh, okay. Yeah, I understand. Sort of recumbent. So you have two different fathers. You have a mother who's a bike shaped like a couch. But beautiful. Okay, but beautiful. Beautiful. Okay, and then you popped out and your brothers. We did not pop out. It was a painful birthing experience. Oh, I get it.

I can imagine that physiology. Because we were twins from different fathers in the same womb. Were you conjoined as well? We were... Connected at the pinky. At the pinkies. At the pinkies. And you're not now, obviously. No, it was a fairly simple surgery. About eight, nine years ago, we did it. And then I came to the U.S. and he stayed. It took a while. Wow. I've always wondered why your pinky has looked odd. It's okay. Who looks at a pinky? Who looks at a pinky? Okay.

You know my favorite cartoon was Anamaniacs. Yeah, with Pinky and the Brain? Yes, and the Brain. That Pinky a lot of people looked at and it worked out quite nicely for them. Pinky el Cerebro. So why did you just never come to America, El Chupacabro? Well, I had a pretty good in Mexico. Yeah, that's true. Redubbing Don Draper's lines in accented English. I had a good job.

I had a lot of family. Wait a minute, you had them? Why past tense? Pero it's seasonal. Oh, it's seasonal. It's seasonal work. They only make Mad Men every six years. One episode every six years.

It's sort of catch us, catch can. See? You know what I'm saying? That's the other one. He did it. The voice, all the voices for catch me if you can. All of the voices. All of the voices. Tom Hanks, Leo DiCaprio. We did it together. Police officer number two. Yes, he threw me down to do the voiceover. You said that he did them all himself and you're saying he was sick half the time so I came down and I did the other half. We switch off. You have very similar voices. Being twins, of course. Number one.

Oh, that was a good one. Chupacabro. He's the brother of El Chupacabra. That's right. Behind El Chupacabra. Did you see that on HBO? I did not. Behind him was El Chupacabro. That's right. In the shower. Yeah, they had plastic surgery to look like each other. They didn't have to. They're brothers. Exactly! That's the twist at the end.

That was a good clip. That was fun. We had a lot of fun doing that. None of that planned, obviously. And before we go to a break, it is time for a bonus clip. And this is an interesting one. Now, Paul, I went on tour this year. So did I. Yes. With me?

Yeah. That's right. You were around. Yeah. Yeah, you were in the car. Wait, you were there too. Yeah, you were in the car the whole time. Hey, we sat next to each other for hours in a car. That's right. That's right. That was fun. That was fun. Okay, so we did that this year. We hit 15 cities, I believe. Or not 15 cities, but we did 15 shows in 12 cities. 12 days. Yeah, something like that. City a day. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. And we released them all. Yeah.

You can buy those at the Earwolf store. A lot of people have said they are great, great episodes and well worth the, I believe it's only $25 for a ton of those episodes. I believe you get it. Hours and hours of stuff. Yeah. Some of them were super long and they're all canonical too with updates on many of our favorite friends of the show drop by. You have Ice-T, you have Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, John C. Reilly.

And then special guests like Tom Likas and – Governor Jesse Ventura. Ventura was there and – Coco Marx. Coco Marx. Yeah.

So this is a clip. I'm just going to only play one of these as a bonus clip. They didn't get a lot of votes because not enough people have heard them. And Scott, may I say? Yes. That's a shame. That is a shame because some of these are better than any of the episodes. Those shows were...

were kind of magical. And, you know, the crowd was really, the crowds were amazing and it was so much fun and everybody was kind of at the top of their game. Yeah. It was amazing. It was an amazing experience. And so more, this is just to give you one of the best moments from that and to just let you know, you should go over there and get those shows because they're great. You won't be sorry. This is from San Francisco, California.

This is Doug Benson is there. And this is Werner Herzog talking about a hotel that we were staying at. And this is your bonus clip.

Scott, thank you for having me. Forgive me if this is unorthodox, but I am also staying at the Majestic Hotel and I would like to read you the review I have composed for Yelp. I lie awake atop the covers of my cruel bed.

In the absurdly cramped quarters I have procured at the majestic hotel Sweat flows freely from my entire body pooling under me and soaking the preposterous bag of air and stones that serves as the mattress A clammy apprehension seizes me as I reach for the thermostat above the nightstand Am I truly controlling anything?

Certainly not the temperature. Mankind struggles always to convince itself that machines may give its way over cold, over heat, but eventually the earth claims every creature, thinking or brainless, and all of us shall share the climate of nothingness. In the dark, through the wall, I hear...

A cry and the unmistakable sound of the breaking of a human toe. Three stars. Clip. All right. Great bonus clip, huh? That was a great. If you want to see that review on Yelp, it's still there. It's still there. Username is Werner H. It's still there.

All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we will have your number 12 clip coming up after this. Hello, friends. Hey, it's me. How are you? Scott Aukerman. I have a question for you. Are you prepared to answer? Please answer honestly. Here we go.

Have you signed up with HostGator yet? Some of you said yes, thank you to you guys, but the rest of you? Come on! What are you waiting for? I mean, HostGator is the easiest and best place to host a website on the internet. Come on, guys. Look,

Let me give you a very simple analogy, perhaps the simplest analogy I can think of. If people came over to your house for a party, you would offer them food and water. Water only. Nothing carbonated. Nothing alcoholic. You would simply say, here is all the food you want, and to drink, we only have water. Now...

If you have a website, you should offer it HostGator. See, guys? It makes sense. Sign up with HostGator today. Let them do all the work. What is HostGator? Okay, let me talk about it. HostGator, it's a flexible and feature-rich web hosting service that's perfect for people who are creating their first website. Or...

Maybe it's perfect for those who have had years of web hosting experience. Let's just call it everybody. Perfect for everybody, okay? HostGator offers unlimited services with unrestricted bandwidth...

disk space, and unlimited domains on one plan so you can host as many websites that your little heart desires under your account as you want. Okay? Wanna know what the best part about it is, though? I'll tell you. They genuinely care about their customers. If you have a problem...

HostGator offers 24-7, 365 days a year, phone, chat, and email support. They could just do one of those and they'd be covering their bases, but hit them up at the same time for the trifecta. Call them, chat them, and email them all at the same time. They love it.

If you need help any time, night or day, do all three. So what are you waiting for? Head over to HostGator.com, buy some hosting, get some .NETs while you're at it, and use the coupon code BANGBANG to get an extra 25% off and support this show. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. Paul F. Tompkins. I am back here. I am Paul F. Tompkins. And we are counting down your top 15. You are Scott Aukerman? We are counting down your top 15. Yes, we are. We're doing it. We're doing it. I'm doing it. You're doing it. Everyone is simply doing it. Let us do that. Key party.

Tea party or key party? Key party with the tea party. Oh, man. Hey, you're on key party with the tea party. That is a funnier die sketch. I would love to see. Let's cast it right now. Who's in it? Okay. Rob Riggle. Rob Riggle as who? Who's in the tea party these days? People are jumping ship. They really are. You know what I mean? Ted Cruz? Rob Riggle as Ted Cruz. Absolutely. That's right. There you go. There we go. You got Riggle as Ted Cruz. You got... Michael K. Williams as...

What's his name? Who? The guy. He fucking ran for president. Why can't I think of his name? Wait, Mitch Romney? No, Mitch Romney. The pizza chain guy. Pizza, Papa John? No. Yeah, Papa John. Yeah, Super Mario was his running mate. Is this the Domino's Noid? I've avoided him. Who's this pizza guy?

Why can't I? Herman Cain! Herman Cain! Rock you like you're Herman Cain. Exactly. All right. So, all right. It is just about time for your number 12 clip, but I did... There are a lot of people, they want to know...

What the top 20 are. So I figured I would just like tell you what just barely made it. These are the five that barely didn't make it. That weren't good enough. That's right. But so good. Is that what you mean to say? I did mean to say that, yes. But these are five that just barely didn't make it out of the top 20. Honorable mention. Honorable mention. At number 20.

We had Please Clarify, which we just heard some before the break of that with Tim Heidecker, Paul Rust, and John Daly. So close. At number 19, the creepy Halloween special with Stephen Yoon, Paul Rust, Molly Bretthauer, and Nick Weiger. All right. That just barely didn't get in the top 15. At 18, we have Good Felines with Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sanz. Mm-hmm.

At 17, Magusta Characters with Nick Kroll and Chelsea Peretti. Close one. Close. And at number 16, just a few votes shy. Just a few. Let me count how many. Just 50 votes shy of getting into the top 15 was The Cake Council.

With Andy Richter and our good friend Cake Boss. Cake Boss? That didn't make it into the top 15? That did not make it into the top 15. You better – you should recount those. I think there's obviously a mistake. Because is that one of your favorites? For some reason, yes. That was a great episode. I recall it as being an excellent episode. That's how good this year was is those episodes, which could be, you know –

The best episodes of any other podcast didn't even make it into our top 15. Well, that one. The other ones I get. But that one seems weird to me. Yeah. Well, hey, you know. Check for Chad's.

That's my charity, by the way. Check for Chad's. That's right. For every Chad people bring in, you'll give them a check. Yes, exactly. So how many checks have you given away so far? Well, you know, only Chad Lowe has ever dropped by, so I've given him one. Well, it was nice of you to mention him. It was. He's not around these days. Unlike some people. Yeah, really. He's not. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I know. Exactly. Oscars, snubs and flubs, speaking of them. All right. What about grubs? Do they ever make it into the year-end list? They never do. What are the best grubs of the year?

I've never seen that list before. Your top ten grubs. I'd love to see just a list of larvae and maggots. You're going to get it after that request. Oh, I know. He'd say that on a recording. All right. We have to get to your number 12 episode. Number 12. This is episode 222. Mm-hmm.

Like the room. Well, it's a movie. The room. It's not like 227. That room. No. Well, that was that was an apartment, right? Yeah. But it wasn't the number of the apartment building, I believe, is the number of the apartments. But that's a room. Technically, I thought it was 227 was where everyone maybe it was 227 is a comedy. I remember that. Yes. And then room 222.

Was about a school. By the way, no one knows that that is the promo song for the show 227. I don't know why I still know that, but it went, 227 is a comedy. But I know there's someone out there who knows what that is. And that was what that reference was. Jack A. That's right. And Marla Gibbs, of course. 227 is a comedy. 227. Mr. Belvedere. I'm going out with a doctor tonight.

That's my wife. That's my impression of my wife's impression of Jack. My wife. My God damn it, Scott. What's the point of me being married? I'm going to drop the ball on this. I'm sorry. You know what? I apologize. You should maybe get a divorce, though, if I'm not going to do it. Thank you. OK, this is number 12. This is an episode called A Peanut in the Rain.

This one is very dear to my heart. Yes, this is a great episode. This is, let's see, who do we have? We have Gillian Jacobs from Community. Oh, sorry. That's right. We also have Mike Hanford. No. Yes, Mike Hanford has Ducky Powell. That's right. We won't hear from him until afterwards, but this is basically our good friend Gillian Jacobs saying,

In a previous episode, had gotten married to our good friend Gary Marshall, creator of the Happy Days- Please call him Gary. I will. Our good friend Gary, creator of Happy Days, Mork & Mindy, Valentine's Day, New Year's Day, all of those things. Pretty woman, director of that. They had gotten married in a previous episode, and in this episode, we catch up with them and see exactly how that marriage is going. Hint!

Not so great. Not so great. And I start this clip off with a very indelicate question for which I apologize. All right. Let's hear that episode. This is number 12. Number one, two. Gary, tell me about your sex life. Who are you fucking now? Listen, this is I'm married to the same woman. Perhaps you are alluding to a strange relationship.

It was weird. That I embarked upon with a young lady. It was an illicit affair. Yes, you could say that. This is a young lady. Yes, I grant you that permission. I appreciate that. This is a young lady. She's an actress here in Hollywood. We met doing your podcast. She found out that I'm a wealthy older man. She conspired blatantly right in front of me to have me murder my wife.

marry her, and then become rich due to being my wife. She would be rich, not you. You would be as rich as you were before. Slightly less. I'm just always getting richer. So, you know, I get paid these residuals. It's crazy. As far as I know, the rich get richer and the poor, well, they get poorer. They get poorer. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good setup for the rich. Sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

For the poor, I could see how you wouldn't like it. What percentile of richness would you say you are in terms of the world? Bring back the sex questions. This is even more crass. Probably 1%. You're in the top one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Must be nice. It is. Must be nice. It is. I live in Bel Air, gated community. Yeah. I got a house that's like a castle blew up. Okay.

A castle blew up. Yeah. So it's so wide and expansive. That's right. It's like meaning blew up like a balloon? Yeah. Oh, I see. It's like a castle had an allergy to something. Okay, so it's not like a castle that someone bombed and there's rubble everywhere. It's like if there was a royal family, they were made of peanuts. Uh-huh. They moved into this castle. This castle had another allergy to something.

I see. So the royal family was made of peanuts. It's a race of peanut people, and they're led by a king. So is it an entire town of peanut people? No, it's a whole country. It's a whole country. Yeah, you don't have a king of a town. That's a mayor. They've been wandering, what, the desert for 40-odd years?

And he led them to this castle. They're dumb. They're made out of peanuts. So they never lived in shelter. So they're just kind of wandering around in a circle. And at one point they stumble upon. They're just like all sitting around like, hey, your majesty, what do you want to do today? And he's like, you're looking at it. And then, you know, it rained and everybody would say, ah, this stinks. I would think a peanut in the rain. That gets soggy. That's. Oh, what a beautiful turn of phrase. A peanut in the rain. It gets soggy. Beautiful.

and so then at one point they wander into this castle. They rub up against it. No, no, no. Here's what happens. There's like a guy in the, in the court of the peanuts. Who's like, uh, he's like the Da Vinci of, of the peanuts. Okay, sure. So he's like, uh, Hey idiots, it's simple. Here's what you do. You build a structure. Everybody, uh, can live inside it. Um,

Um, so, uh, you don't have to get wet in the rain. We don't have to be a peanut in the rain anymore. Exactly. We can be warm, dry peanuts. Toasted even. Toasted, roasted by the fire. Salted. Sprinkle salt on ourselves and we'll eat each other. We're a cannibal kingdom. Sure, of course. Last man standing.

First to the victor goes the spoil. That's right. The old saying. Yes. To the. Yes. So is this how, by the way, is this how Mr. Peanut came to be? This is later. Is he the last standing? He's the he's the last in the line of the peanut king. And yet he advertises for other peanuts, inanimate peanuts to be eaten. Interesting. Yeah, because he's a cannibal. He can't help it.

It's in his nature. But you'll notice he dresses in a very elegant manner with the top hat, the monocle. To disguise his nature. No! To flaunt his nature. He's descended of noblemen. I thought it was because much like all of us, any time we put on clothes is to disguise our very base, human, disgusting nature. I mean, look at you. You have an argyle sweater. What are you trying to say about yourself? You're putting on airs of like, I'm a classy gentleman? Much like Mr. Peanut. What I'm trying to say is...

Don't eat me. It would be a hassle to get through all this stuff for you. Right. Move along. Move along to another peanut. That's right. This is the shark theory. Sharks, they see a guy in a scuba suit. They're like, ooh, a delicious seal. They bite into him. They're like, hey, you're not a seal. You tricked me. Yeah. They move along to something else. You ever seen the movie Jaws? What's that? Okay. So now...

So we're talking about the peanuts. They get in. They create the structure. They build a castle, right? Yes. They get in there. Somehow this castle, it's got a nut allergy. It's got a peanut allergy, as you said. Yeah. Somehow. Now, when you say somehow, what do you mean? Like, how does it happen? I mean, it was a mistake in the building. Probably in the mortaring together of the stones. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Then maybe they used... Here's what probably happened. Mm-hmm.

They probably, you know, like there's workers that died. They're inside Hoover Dam. Yeah. It's like this. It's creepy to think about when you think about it. I think it's exciting. To know that there are skeletons in there. Oh, especially the skeleton part. To look at Hoover Dam. I get my grandkids together. I say, look, Poppy's going to show you something. Look at that. Honey, look, there's skeletons in there. The kid's like, oh, Poppy.

Poppy, why did you tell us that? And they run away and they hide. They think it's Halloween. They come back later and ask for candy. I'm like, no, you're shit out of luck. It's just skeletons in there. Guys die. They like that kind of language when you say shit out of luck. They do. They do. They learn it from you, I think. Maybe they do. A case could be made. What's the nastiest word you've ever said? Are you trying to wind up to it? Just trying to get your mouth? I think cock. Yeah.

You think? I think so, but it's contextual. Sure. In what context? I worked on a farm. So on the farm? When I was first learning the film game, I worked on a farm. Sure. I used to run the projector at a farm.

And what opportunity did you have to say that word while you were running the projector on this farm? There was a chicken running around. Okay. See, it's not such a big... Wait. There was a double meeting and everybody enjoyed a nice little giggle. Okay. I said, I got to get my cock out of here. And everybody... This is big in farms. Did you take your penis out at that moment? My wife might be watching this.

Barbara, turn off your YouTube. Did you really? Yeah, I did. I was a young guy. You know, you make mistakes. Hopefully you learn and you move on. Was it a mistake or did anyone? I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. You're not proud of your penis or just the opportunity? Both, both. Really? I'm ashamed of the human body. Yeah, I get that. I think we're disgusting. So you don't have a problem penis in general? No, same problem penis as everybody else. Yeah.

The fact that we have them is a problem. Oh, you led me down a road. Oh, the Primrose Path. It's not what I call it. Let's get back to what we were talking about. Filth Alley!

Let's get back to what you're talking about. Yeah, what are we talking about? You had an affair with a young woman, but that's all over. Yeah, yeah. It's, uh... You know, it's over. We, uh... You know, we came back on this program. You guys had split up. I revealed to her I didn't actually murder my wife. I put her in suspended animation. She was, of course, very upset. I granted her a Bel-Air divorce. Which Morgan Freeman gives to you, as I recall. Denzel Washington, but, uh...

Nice try. Okay, I guess I have the problem. Who was it? George Washington Carver? Peanuts. Calling it back. Yeah, so then we got divorced, and that was it. And she's not coming back on this program because... Well, as a matter of fact, she's here right now. She's here? Honey, you want to come in here? She's here right now? Come on in here, honey. Yeah, it's Gilly and Jacobs. Hey, Gilly. Hi. Gilly, how are you? Sorry. I'm okay.

She's catching him up on a history. Hi. Hi. I'm surprised to see you. Well, yeah, you didn't invite me, but I'm here nonetheless. For the record, I also did not invite her. What is happening right now? Well, I sent him a text message. Do you receive texts?

I receive them. I don't send them. What does he text back to you, Gilly? He usually it's those three dots like he's writing something, but nothing ever comes through. I don't know how to make it go. So you press on the thing and then it's just, yeah, you have no idea. I get like the little balloon means you talk here, stupid. And then, but I don't know.

I don't know what you're supposed to do after that. Yeah. But anyway, I texted him that I had something really important to tell him. And I wanted to do this in private, but I guess, you know, this is the only time you could. Whoa. So this is happening. Whatever is happening is happening right here. Yes. Live on our show. My goodness. I don't like the sound of this already. Well, Gary. You have a sweatshirt. Oh, yeah. What were you going to say? Continue to call me Gary.

It's so hot in the studio. Why do you have a sweatshirt? What I wanted to tell you, Gary, is that you're a father again. What? This is crazy. At my age? That sperm's good. Wow. That's nice to hear. By the way, that's what she said. Yeah, that's what I did say. Also, I guess that's not really a double. Well, I guess this is to be expected.

So you don't wrap a Jimmy on that? Who has the time anymore? You know what I mean? I don't expect to be alive five minutes from now. They don't make them that small, so we just didn't bother. Listen to this. Listen to this. Regular Toadie Fields over here. Regular Shields and Yarnell.

They were mimes, honey. Okay, so here's what happens. They were mimes, honey. Another great turn of phrase. A peanut in the rain. They were mimes, honey. After the last time we saw each other, you know, waiting in the elevator. Stone cold silence. I mean, it is thick in there. It's like a madman. A fog of silence. Yeah. So...

We eventually get stuck in the elevator. It's like something out of a sitcom. Wait a minute. So the elevator stopped after this program? Yeah. Yeah. That's right. It got stuck. Yeah. You were here in February. That's right. We're forced to talk to each other. So eventually we're making nice. Everything's fine. We're talking about work. She's on a sitcom. I created the modern sitcom. At this point...

You know, she doesn't know if Community's coming back. This is a show. It was just about to premiere at that point. It's on the bubble, right? Sure, yeah. In a primetime panic. Do you need that adjusted for you? I'm short, but I'm not this short. Maybe someone thought you had terrible posture. They just assumed you were going to slouch. They saw your army jacket. They're like, hey, Travis Bickle over here. Let him...

Slouch into the microphone. Very funny. You know what? I'm a new mother. I don't have time for, you know. I'm very good at it so far. You're holding the baby upside down. You gotta watch out for the fontanelle, which is not a girl group, by the way. It's not. Was that Fonzie's girlfriend?

Pinky Tuscadero. Oh, okay. I thought it was Fontanelle. Sorry. So... Oh, my gosh. Look at that thing. So she says... He's a beautiful little... She's taking it. For those of you just listening... That was something I didn't want to get to until later, but our child was born without genitals. Oh, my God. Look at that. Can I feel that? Yeah. Get in there. There's nothing to do. Nothing there. Nothing there. This is very...

Nothing there. It's making me very uncomfortable. Nothing there either. That's just a dent. There's no hole. There's no butthole. I'd love to tear him a new one. Here's what happened. I said, I'll make you a bet.

If Community gets picked up for another season, I will have sex with you. Yep. I never thought in a million years that show would get picked up. No one did. No one did. It's all references. Hey, this guy, he's like, he loves the movie so much. Let's do the movie. They do the movie. All right, that's the story. Yeah. It's like, you know, hey, I love Reservoir Dogs. They start it, and then by the end, you know, Mr. Pink gets shot. The end. What? So anyway, uh...

So here we are. So what I'm not understanding is... So months later... You're trapped in the elevator in February. Yeah. You promised to have sex with her if it gets picked up. It was picked up maybe three weeks ago. That's right. And there's a baby here. Yep. Thank you for walking me through the timeline, because this does seem strange. Seems a little strange. What are you talking about? Because how old is this baby? This baby's... This non-gendered baby? This baby's like...

Nine hours old. You say you just had this baby today. Yep. So tracking nine months back, that's November, which is when you guys were...

Okay, so maybe this is... Oh, did you hear that? Oh my goodness. It's talking. So maybe this baby was conceived while you guys were still in the throes of passion. I think this baby was conceived in February. Hold on a second. That's when all babies are conceived. In the throes of passion? Yeah. No, it wasn't conceived on the phone. Well, it could have been rape.

Boy, oh boy. I don't think that word has ever been said on this program. Please, Gilly. Gilly? Sorry. I mean, I'm just saying. I can't believe that actually happened. Sorry. Did you guys have sex in the elevator? Yes. People want to know. No, no, no. No, we didn't have sex in the elevator. We had phone sex in the elevator. With whom? Each other? With each other. I said, hey, I'm getting a signal. Are you? She said, yes. We turned her back.

We sat back to back and we had phone sex in the elevator. So you were sitting back to back, though, so you could sort of feel the vibrations of what you guys were doing? Yeah, it was very erotic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So wait, you had phone sex in the elevator. Yes. And then five months later, there's a baby. Well, yeah, we had penetrative sex. When did I get picked up? Like two weeks ago, something like that? I think so, something like that. Yeah, we had sex two weeks ago. And you penetrated her, she says. Yes.

We're talking about sexual intercourse. Yeah. But just like burst in there. Hey, I'm not Barbara Marks. All right? So how does this happen, Gilly? Well, he undid his pants. Continue. Pulled down his underwear. Oh, God. Please go on.

I mean... It sounds less erotic now in the telling. Yeah, tighty-whities or what's it called? He wears loose boxers. Very loose. Barely held up. Who's texting you? The Professionalism Council? Oh, look at that.

So good. And he wears loose boxers? Loose boxes. Yeah. Like one size too big? The elastic's kind of worn out. They're barely holding on. They're perfectly good. Why should I throw them away? He's got a tight belt over those pants. So you penetrate Gilly here. Yep.

And how does a baby do you have like some sort of super sperm? Is that what I told you? The sperm is good. How many of your kids came about in this manner where they were born within two weeks? All of them.

Sorry, it's hungry. I got to... Oh, my goodness. All of my... Our viewers are getting a treat here. Right through the clothes. It's a strong baby. Yeah, all my children had a gestation period of two weeks. Can I... Okay, and this is going to sound really crazy. Eh?

And I hesitate to even say it, quite honestly, because it sounds fanciful, and I think the answer has to be no. All right. I don't think it's possible what I'm asking, but I'm just going to throw it out there anyway. Okay. Are you from some sort of race of alien super beings? Never been asked that before. I can see why not. It couldn't even be possible. I don't know why I asked it, but are you...

Some sort of alien super being that comes from another world that has come here to impregnate our women, our Hollywood actresses. I mean, that's not the only thing I came here to do.

Oh, sir, yeah, yeah, I am. You are? Yeah. God! Yeah, from outer space. What was the other thing you came here to do? To create Hollywood television shows and direct movies. And what about the Loch Ness Monster and the Bigfoot? I'm trying to find that Loch Ness Monster. Why are you trying to find them? Are they a threat to your super being? No, I want to bring the Loch Ness Monster back to my home planet as an example of mythology.

I was going to say, as an example of earth creatures, it's not an example of earth creatures because no one's been able to find it. Well, it honestly is the thing. I've become very attached to the earth and I don't want it to be destroyed. So I think if I bring the Loch Ness Monster back there, everybody will be afraid they won't destroy the earth. Gary!

No, I'm not so bad after all. Gary! I'm just a simple guy from another planet. I want to impregnate Hollywood actresses, make movies, and find the Loch Ness Monster and scare my home planet. Two-part question. What is the name of your home planet? And B, are we under threat of being destroyed by them? I'll take the second part first, Scott. Uh.

That's fair. Yes, you are in danger of being destroyed by my planet. Looming? Danger? Imminent danger. Imminent. And number two, the name of the planet is Gregord. Gregord? Yes. Gregord? Is that with a hyphen at all? Nope. Just... Just like it sounds. And are all the letters right after each other? No. No, they're all mixed up? Not on your planet. Interesting.

Wow. And so this is a half alien. I mean, I'm assuming you're a human being. Wait, I have a question for you. Sure. This makes a lot of sense now. Now, on your planet, are babies born sans genitals? Yeah, we don't need them. Okay. So then how did you get your... So what's that beautiful dick of yours? I mean, where'd that come from? You're sweet to say.

That beautiful sweet dick, where did it come from? It's a thing that I can grow if I need to. Okay. Yeah. We're compatible with any species in the universe. Under dire circumstances, you can grow that. So can this baby grow what it needs to grow? No. It can start to, because it's only half. Oh, he's a halfie. Yeah. What do I do about the lack of butthole? You won't have to worry about it. All right.

Do I feed it? Do I keep feeding it? Nope. Don't ever feed it. You didn't feed it, did you? Well, I held it like that. Yeah, you held it like that. That's not really been doing it. That's feeding. But it was through my shirt. So why have you been doing it? It wanted to. Oh. Feed me. Feed me. Was that you? I don't think so. Her mouth wasn't moving. Obviously it wasn't her. Feed me. Feed me.

Well, this is a fascinating story, and I want to know more about this. I'm sure people are bored. You think people are bored by the revelation that there's alien life here on Earth? All right, well, you have a shorter attention span than I. Hey, when you get to be my age, you've heard it all before. What's your alien name? Oh, it's unpronounceable. Really? Is it the N-word? Is that why? Yes, and...

Yes, and it's not the N-word you're thinking of. Oh, really? That's right. Which one? Oh, it's a word we have on my own planet. Number one, two. Great episode. Maybe the greatest. I'm surprised that it's so low in the rankings. If that is a number 12 clip, man, the next 11 are going to be amazing, don't you think? They better be. Well, I want you guys to come back and listen to part two. I do, too.

Well, you're going to be here for it. Well, no, no, no. I want them to come back, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. Well, tell them. For the listener. Okay, listen, listeners. I also want you to come back. It's not just Scott. Don't bottle it up inside. It's not like Scott wants you to come back and I'm like, they stay away. I want you to come back, too. Good, good. It's good to express something like that. That felt good to say. Thank you, Scott. All right, very good. So come back to that.

Part two of our very special best of 2013. And before we go out, we're going to hear something else from that episode of Peanut in the Rain. This is Mike Hanford as Ducky Powell doing his wonderful song. We will see you on the next episode, part two of 2013. See you then. Bye for now. Well.

So, where are we in this? We seem to be at a stalemate. What brings you? We find ourselves at a curious crossroads. I may be the hottest I've ever been. I should say, Scott. Don't take that jacket off. No, I will not. What brings you by today? Was that sort of a question that I was going to ask? I was going to sing a song if I could. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Music, music, music! Yeah, yeah, music! Yeah, yeah, sing it, sing it, sing it, sing it! Sing the song! Well, I would enjoy some accompaniment, if possible. He's got a mellifluous voice. Well, I can carry it, too. Guys, do you hear that? You're not wearing headphones. No. I see gnarly trails...

Fresh powder too. I grab bits of air. So tasty, it's true. And I think to myself, what a thrashable slope. All my ski buds are grabbing tasty air. There are smiles on their faces as they pop.

What? 19.

There are so many trails that I'll never know. And I think to myself, what a fashionable slope. And I think to myself, what a nasty, tasty, gnarly little slope. Skiing rules. Oh, wow.

Now that the show's over, make sure to head over to HostGator.com to find out more information about today's sponsor. When you are ready for checkout, use the coupon code BANGBANG to get an extra 25% off. Thanks, Host Gator, for sponsoring this episode of Comedy Bing Bong, and thank you, my dearest friends, for listening in. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com.

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