Best of 2013 Pt 4
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We're counting down your top episodes of Comedy Bang Bang of 2013. I have comedian Paul F. Tompkins here. We're going to hear episode three down to one. That's right. All of that and more all on today's... Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang.

All right, Comedy Bang Bang. This is it, huh? I can't believe it. Just like Michael Jackson. This is it. Make no mistake where you are. This is it. You say I'm a failure. No one can tell what the future holds. Do we know any lyrics to any of the songs that we've sung over these four best ofs? Here's what I think we know.

A good chunk of them. Like, we know probably a good two-thirds of any song. I think between us, we almost know a song. Yeah, almost. But within that two-thirds, it's really only two-thirds of each sentence of every song. Can you think of any... That's also true. Can you think of any song that we know the entire... What song would we know... Would you guess that we both know all of the lyrics to? Wow.

This is tough. A popular song. Like excluding the alphabet or Happy Birthday. Oh, man. This is really tough. Because I don't know how many songs I know every word to. I'm not great with lyrics. What are you, John Bryan, right? You can't know every single song? That's true. That's also true. I don't know. Something from a musical, I would imagine. Yeah.

Probably Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was red and yellow. I see. I don't know any of the words to that song. Yeah. And I've never seen that show. You've never seen it? Never seen it. Never heard the soundtrack. What about Jesus Christ Superstar? That I remember my eighth grade teacher. I went to Catholic school. And my eighth grade teacher, who was not a clergy person, played that song.

recording for us. The original cast recording. It was a little spicy because it was like, it was very challenging. What was the point of his... Her sexist. Wait, is the doctor a woman? That's right. That's why I couldn't operate on her. Because I am an Orthodox Jew and she is not my wife. So I cannot touch her. My wife! Got it in every single one, I think.

the killing. What? Okay, I make that pact as well. Anytime anyone mentions not... It can't just be the killing. It's got to be AMC is the killing. Which, by the way, is moved off of AMC, so I don't know why... What is it on now? It's on Netflix or something now, isn't it? For the new year? What? It jumped networks. Well, they should send out cards! We've moved! That's a picture of, like, the cast of The Killing with boxes.

They're all smiling. Even Peter Sarsgaard. Even Peter Sarsgaard. Paul, this is – actually, we're in 2014 now. This is – we just went through the new year. Did you make any New Year's resolutions? I resolve to be a better husband, friend, employee, employer, father –

Nephew and uncle. I think you're going to get one of those. Oh, yeah. I meant to say one of them. Just one out of the ten. Surely I will end up being a better one of those by the end of the year. Well, you know, keep trying. That's fantastic. Keep my feet on the ground. Keep reaching for those stars. Well, here we are. You know, it's already 2014, but we're looking back at 2013. That's right.

This is the part four of your best of, and we're going to go down from three to one during this episode. That's how it goes. And this is pretty exciting. I have to say that we heard a pretty close squeaker in the last episode between number six and five. We have a similar squeaker here between three and two. More squeaking? That's right. I'm about to get up on the table and hike my petticoats up around because I feel like there's mice in here. I'm about to get up on the table and hike my petticoats up around because I feel like

I'm about to get out my WD-40 and shit. Y'all gonna make me get my WD-40 out and shit up in this piece. Me and Lil Setup. Lil... Lil... Come and get some WD-40. Oh, I love it. He's a little squeaker. He is. He's a little squeaker. So, we're gonna hear three, then we're gonna hear two, then we're gonna hear your top episode of the year. This is exciting. We're gonna count down three.

Three, two, one. We're going to do it. This, I swear, unless we die before it happens. Look, there's going to be three hits. Us hit number three, then hit number two, then hit number one.

We're never going to hit the ground? No. And we're not going to hit you. Nope. Because we're not going to die. Really, that would be the only thing that would keep us from doing 3-2-1, I think, is us dying. Yeah. Even a fire or an earthquake. I think in the event of a fire or earthquake, we could still rush through. Yeah. Even just give the names of the episodes and run out the door. We wouldn't do all this bullshit. No. Oh, my God, no. No. No.

All right. So, Paul, are you ready? Can we get into it? Yes. Are you as ready as you'll ever be? Because that's where I need you to be. I have cleansed my mind and soul and body. Wait, you cleansed your body? I took a shower. In between these episodes? Yep.

Why is that? It's hot in this room. It's true. It is hot. It's late at night. All right. So if you're just listening to this show for the first time, these are the top three episodes that people voted on of the year. And it is time for number three. Number three. All right. Number three. Here we go. This is from episode 200.

Right on the 200 mark. A milestone. It is a milestone of sorts. That's right. And this is an episode, Paul, called Halfway to China. Mm-hmm. All right. Now, this episode, we have Jason Manzoukas. Very funny. Very funny comedian. Hilarious guy from Enlightened. You know him from The League also. He plays Rafi on The League. Sure. And he's a great guy. He's been on this show many times. Yeah.

And along with him have been various people. We had the honorary mayor of Hollywood. Chip Gardner. Chip Gardner, of course. We've had a guy named Don DeMello. Theatrical director. Director along with him. And in this instance, in this episode, we have a gentleman named Cactus Tony. He's a curious fellow. He is. Now, we're going to...

Hear a little bit about him. He, in previous episodes, Don DeMello is a theatrical director. Here's a little setup. He is a theatrical director who has a children's theater in Pasadena where he does shows based on Disney animated features. Yes.

But as he puts it, there is always a little something for daddy in these, meaning he gets the kids in there, but he gets their fathers in there and then gives them a little part of the show for them. Can I rephrase? Because I think this is a more succinct way of putting it.

He just slaps the word Disney's in front of some old fairy tales, and then what happens when you get in there is a live sex show. Okay, you're right. That is a little better way to put it, a little shorter. Yeah, yeah. So now we've heard from him a lot, and he always referenced his sort of right-hand man, Cactus Tony. We had never met him before. This is our first time meeting him, all right? And Cactus Tony had a lot of odd jobs to do during...

During Don's productions. And one of them, I believe, was daycare. Yes. Meaning at certain points, the kids would just kind of be shuttled off. And the gentleman. This is when the live sex show would essentially begin. Exactly. He would be taking care of the kids. And he was negligent in some of his duties. He wasn't great at it.

He was not. So we're going to hear a good chunk of this episode. This is from episode 200, Halfway to China. This is your number three. Number three. Cactus Tony, I want to figure out exactly what's happening because I hadn't heard this story. I guess what happened- The story about these children, the Rottweilers, basically what had happened was, was it a different production? It was not Disney's Peter Pan? They covered it in the funny papers.

I don't think you're reading the funny papers, by the way. I think you find horrible news funny. I think you're calling the newspaper the funny papers. Yeah. That's a great point. Yeah, well, because you see maybe that it has pictures or something like this, so you think, oh, this must be the funny papers. I like the funny papers mostly. I mean, I appreciate art and drawings and stuff like that, but the funny papers with photographs is the best kind. You read about the Serbian conflict in the funny papers. That's right.

So you're watching over these children. This is not Disney's Peter Pan anymore. So the Rottweilers are there with you. No, this happened on The Wizard of Oz. Disney's The Wizard of Oz. And so the Rottweilers are there with you looking after the children as you take your break. What are you doing when you take the break? Are you seeing Zippy? Yeah, Zippy came by, but also I have another job where I give, over at the ArcLight movie theater, I give hand jobs.

And I was down there. Right. And you were not here earlier. What's that? You were not here during the first segment. So that's so coincidental. What are you talking about? That's interesting that you mentioned that. Why? Because Scott was making the point earlier that every movie theater and that any movie is being played, there's someone getting a handjob. Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know about that, but I had a job giving handjobs at the ArcLive movie theater. Who pays you to do this? Oh, the manager, the night manager over there. The night manager? Right here in Hollywood. Yeah, that's right. The night manager at the Hollywood ArcLive. Now, to give him a handjob or to give patrons handjobs? Anybody I'm told to give a handjob. Sometimes it was him, but a lot of times it was patrons. So you would just slip into the theater in the middle of a movie, sit beside a man. The manager would point to someone.

Right. And you would then just kind of sit next to the person. I imagine if anyone were to sit next to me in a movie, in the middle of a movie, I'd kind of be like, who's this weirdo? Does that happen a lot? Yeah. Especially if this weirdo is top to bottom covered in snakeskin. Right. Sure. And then you just have to know how to handle the situation. I'm a professional. And it's sweaty as much as you are. I'm frequently sweating a lot at that point in the night. I'll say to them, what the fuck are you looking at? I'm here to give you a goddamn handjob.

And then we take care of business. And sometimes it's a handjob. Sometimes I'm flipping through a vagina. Oh, wow. Now, you were not here earlier. What's that? So you were not here. So that's so interesting that you used the colloquialism that I brought up. You know what? I guess that is a phrase. I'm sorry I questioned it. I know. See, you don't have my back a lot, Jason. No, you're right. You're right. Now, what I want to know is the Arclight doesn't have a lot of late night movies.

So this is an early job for you? Yeah, evening type of situation. Sometimes they go to like 2 a.m. They'll show a midnight movie. Right, okay. So you're in the middle of the night over here at your other job at the Pasadena Fairytale Theater. You slip out the back jack, crawl through that window. Right. And then you go to the— I say, Rottweilers, you're in charge. Look after your children.

And believe me, next time I will say, and please don't tear any of them apart. Now, I have to say that Pasadena, where the Fairytale Theater is located and the Arclight, are about 20 minutes away. So this is a handjob. And I'm pretty sure you don't have a car. Otherwise, you would be living in it. Right. And I'm estimating a handjob takes at least three minutes. So add that into the mix. I'd say three to five. Yeah. Okay. So we're talking, you're gone at least in, I mean, if you're walking, maybe you're hitching.

It takes you a little time to get a ride. Sometimes I take the bus. You take the bus from Pasadena to Hollywood? Sure. You're gone. Just to give, how many handjobs can you give? Or is it a single handjob?

What do you mean? How many hand jobs? I can give an infinite number of hand jobs. No, I mean... I wouldn't want to put a number on the number of hand jobs I get throughout the course of my life. If I gave... Let's figure it out. If I'm awake... I mean, I can be awake usually 22 hours a day. I'm awake. Okay, sure. That is unhealthy, by the way. That is not fine for me. If we're saying three to five minutes, you can... You're saying three to five minutes for a hand job? Maybe for an amateur. I can do a hand job in...

Usually about 90 seconds. Really? Just like what? Three pumps and you're out? Yep. And I can flip through a vagina in half that time. Wow. Really? I mean, it takes me longer to flip through a People magazine. Well, you don't know what you're doing. Wow. So that's hundreds a day. Yeah, I can do that. But wait, I guess what I'm getting at is when you leave the Pasadena Fairytale Theater, look it up, Google it, I still want to figure out how many of these handjobs I can do over the course of my life.

I figure I'll be alive another three years. I was going to say, we're going to have to talk about life expectancy for you. 300 a day. Okay. So we're talking... There's about 1,000 days in a year. No, there's not. Maybe the way you're living, there are.

It feels like it. I got to tell you, it feels like it. But it seems like $10,000 a year is my math check out. Yeah, that's about right, I think. $10,000 a year, so, you know. So $30,000 in the next three years. Yep. How much do you get paid for one? Well, it depends. Sometimes I do get paid. Sometimes I just get out of there with free popcorn. Oh, boy. And have you used the popcorn for the popcorn trick?

How's that now? Is it a prop for you? Oh, you're talking about put that dick through the popcorn box? Sure, of course. Yeah, we don't play around. We don't play games. Okay, the popcorn is sacred. Every once in a while, that'll happen. Somebody's like, hey, let me put it in the popcorn. I say, we're not here to play fucking games. Okay, okay. All right. Calm down, Cactus Tony.

But my point is, this is more than a break. You've left these children alone for hours. That's what I'm trying to get at. Here's how it's a break. By the time I get back, the show is usually still going on at Pasadena Fairytale Theater. How long does that show last? It very much depends on who's in the audience. Because when we were talking to Don DeMello, sometimes this show would be over within ten minutes. Well, the show itself, in terms of the scripted part of the show, that is a very stripped-down version of The Wizard of Oz, as you know it. Sure.

It is very efficient. Dorothy basically gets to Oz and then all bets are off. More or less. Once they get to Emerald City, which is real quick, and we don't mess around with that witch because she's ugly. You know what I mean? There's no way. Sure, yeah. You don't want some ugly witch. I don't think so. Harshing the mellow over there. Right. Yeah. Harshing the mellow? Sure. See, you don't have my back, but hey, you heard about flipping through a vagina. A lot of people say it. Yeah, that's true. You're right. You're right. But what I'm trying to say is he used to say that sometimes those guys were out the window like 15 minutes after the show started.

No, I don't believe that. Well, I guess if they don't want to fuck one of the girls, but usually they do. No, but I'm saying like 10 minutes in, they start. It's interactive. Five minutes later, they're done. They're out the window. Oh, I see. Well, that may be true. But by the time I get back from my other job at the Arclight, there's usually some action still going on. And sometimes it's sloppy. Exactly.

He gets sloppy at that point? What constitutes sloppy, I wonder? Well, like if somebody is a little bit drunk or something like that, or somebody probably shouldn't have been let in that window in the first place and it's hard to get them out. You know, oftentimes the evening winds down sloppy. Yeah, it's hard to throw a patron out a window.

That's correct. A small bathroom window. Yep, you've got to get them way up in that bathroom. Can I just say, Cactus Tony? You can say whatever you want. Thank you so much. There is a Pasadena Arclight. Seems like it would be closer.

Is it just because the manager has an affinity for you at the Hollywood one? Well, it's funny you should say that. Oh, it is? Okay, this has led to a funny story? Well, no, I don't know about that, but I've been saying for the longest time, hey, buddy, can I get a transfer to the Pasadena Art Class? A transfer? Are you an official employee? Well, I work for this manager, yeah, but he tells me he's got the best fucking handjob guy ever.

and vagina flipper in the world down there at Pasadena. Oh, you should get rid of him. That guy needs to go to China. That guy needs to go to China, of course. Look, you didn't hear from me, but don't be surprised if you hear about that guy going to China. Where would I hear about this? We heard it from you just now. Would I read this in the funny papers perhaps? You might read about that in the funny papers. You might pick up the funny papers one day and find man murdered, buried alive.

In China. In China. Wow. Was known to be boastful about his hand jobs. Oh, my gosh. Well, this is just a... Because you're right. It would be a lot more convenient to be able to go to a Pasadena Arclight. This is a terrible story. So all these children were... What's terrible about it? Hang on. All the children. What about them? They were ripped apart. They're left. They've died. They're left with dogs as nannies. I left those children with those dogs. One time. Were the dogs at least lactating so the kids had something to eat?

As far as I know, they were not. That would make it better? I don't know. That would make it better? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe the dog would have maternal instincts rather than such violent. And they're dogs you just found. I believe they did have maternal instincts. Look, we don't know what happened precisely in that room. We know exactly what happened. We know that one or two or three of them ripped a child apart. We don't know what that child did to deserve that. Ugh.

Nothing. The child was just there to see a show with his father. Right, and he enjoyed the show up to a point, at which point it was, let's get the children out of the room. Up to the Emerald City. Up in there with Cactus Tony. So who...

Who is going to jail? I mean, is anyone going to jail out of this? Have you been able to elude the law? Is Don DeMillo not here because he is in hiding? Don DeMillo is laying low until some of this situation blows over. He sent me out here to try and generate some good press. That's what I'm saying.

This is not helping. He's had a pure situation. You're his good PR person? That's right. This is not helping the situation, him laying low. I think I'm doing a lot of good help here. Getting press is antithetical to laying low, I would say. But he told me to come out here and give his side of the story. Where's he hiding? The Griffith Observatory. Griffith Observatory. Okay, see, this is not laying low.

You're doing more harm than good. Where is he in Griffith Observatory? What do you mean? I mean, what part of the observatory is he in? He's in the planetarium. Oh, okay. He's living in the planetarium? Right at the moment, yeah. Until things blow over. Is he putting on special shows there? Sometimes he'll get up there, he'll grab the mic, and he'll do a show about the stars.

I wish beyond anything else Don DeMillo is here to tell us about the show than he does about the stars. He's laying low, unfortunately. Don DeMillo's laying low. I'm supposed to come out here and make things better. Okay. I feel I have done that. Because listen, Don is my employer. I know he's going to listen to this. I can't make him mad. I depend on Don for my living. How much does he pay you?

You don't have to tell me an exact amount, but do you make a good living working for Don DeMello? Not enough to buy a car. Obviously not, because you can't buy a car and you have to do a side job where you have to buy bus tickets, give hand jobs. I mean, possibly it could get lucrative, but hand jobs that oftentimes end up in a payment of merely popcorn. And not only that, but you can... Well, that's great popcorn. That's the best popcorn in the world. Yeah, you can give $300 a day, but how many are you actually giving?

Usually one or two. Okay. Yeah. So this is not good. But I'm saying it's a growth business because I can do up to 300. It's literally a growth business. You're talking about because there's penises growing when a man gets aroused? Yep. They become bigger? Yep. Well, in that sense, yeah. But if I do my job right, they're going to shrink again. That's true. I would say that you are doing your job in the sense of you're shifting the blame from Don DeMello sort of over to you.

Well, Don hired me. Well, not only that, but you are the one who is negligent and left these children with some sort of attack on them. Do you feel as though Don is hanging you out to dry? What are you talking about? Now Don is putting you out here as his surrogate to admit that it is your fault.

And in all likelihood, you will be arrested and go to prison for this child's murder. Are you kidding me? They can't arrest Cactus Tony. Well, you know, I actually have a little secret to tell you. Don DeMello called me before the show. I actually knew you were coming on. The whole thing about I didn't realize you were the Cactus Tony, that was feigned ignorance on my part. Really? Good job, Scott. Thank you so much. Really terrific acting.

I'm a really good actor. I can sound like a dumb idiot who doesn't know what's going on. Because in all of the stuff I've seen you act in prior to this, you've been awful. Yeah. Like legitimately terrible actor. No, that's me trying to act like that. But you just now were like phenomenal as an actor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Jason. Am I being pranked by that Betty White show? It's sort of like that, except there's no Betty White. And unfortunately...

Unfortunately, at the end of it, you don't sign a release and you're not on TV. You actually go to jail. Oh, come on. Yeah. What are you talking about? Well, Don called me up and I don't know. I mean, I don't want to recount the exact conversation, but the word Patsy was involved. Fall guy. Fall guy. Yeah. And he was not talking about Lee Majors. I know a girl named Patsy. Okay. I don't think you're taking this the right way. You need to actually pay attention to what this is. I've tried to.

Because what he wanted us to do, and I clued Jason in on this, actually, is he wanted us to kind of make a citizen's arrest here. Also, he wanted us to get on tape, video and audio, a confession. Which is these cameras are not actually streaming any of this to ZapStraightToIt.com at all. These are actually...

Cameras that are closed-circuit TV cameras for the police department. This, by the way, I can't believe I fell for it, is the other interrogation technique we used to use in the Croatian Special Forces. Yeah. We would tell somebody, you're on a podcast, and for the first time ever, it's streaming online. Go make things better for me. Got to be careful. Go out there and make my case for me publicly. Yeah.

And then a couple guys in there, usually a couple guys who have worked as comedians and actors for decades. For Serbian comedians. For Serbian comedians. For Serbian comedians. And one of them has worked. Who are, it is a fact, the funniest comedians in the world is a Serbian. And one of them has worked with SashaBabaBooey.com. Oftentimes. Yeah. And then next thing you know, you have given away all your secrets. Yeah. Unbelievable. This is the second time I have cracked the...

In as many weeks. Yeah. Under interrogation techniques, classic interrogation techniques. Yeah. One of them is wake you up in the car and ask you a simple question and get the exact answer. And what was the other one? This one here. What was it? How would you describe that again?

You told your guests on podcast for the first time ever it's streaming online. And go help out. To come in and go help make my case for me. Classic interrogation technique. Well, I'm sorry. So many times. You fell right into it. God damn it. You fell into it. God damn it.

I'm sorry we cannot let you leave. Oh, shit. We actually have called the police. During that last break, we called the police. It wasn't a real break. It wasn't, no. It was a police call break. Yeah. Guys. And they're on their way. I'm not mad. Thank you. I understand.

Mr. DeMello wanted you to do this, and he's a very smart man, and I understand that. Well, he can't go to jail, you know what I mean? He's got an empire to run. I get that. I completely get that. Have you ever been to jail before, Cactus Tony? Is this going to be your first time to jail? In the big house, as we call it. Who's the we in that sentence? Man, you don't know any of the lingo. You don't know flipping vaginas. You don't know the big house.

Come on, man. It just sounds like you tell your team. The way you say we call it is as if you've been to jail. I mean, I've taken a couple of... I've done a dime, you know? Oh, God. Yeah. I was in jail for a little while, but they had a program where they were promoting from within at the jail to become prison guards, and so I just transitioned into that. Really? Yep. How did that program work out? As a matter of fact, that program did not work out so great because... Really? Yeah, because those guards who had been prisoners...

I had evidently too much sympathy for the prisoners and wasn't much into guarding them. But anyway. I remember reading about this. They covered it extensively in the funny papers. Yeah, I remember. It was every prisoner walked free. After rioting. Yeah. That was the upshot of it. Yeah. It was a prison walkout. Prison walkout. Yeah. I've never seen one and never heard of one.

And a prison walkout. I mean, usually you hear escape, but this was just a prison walkout. Those guys, you know, it turned out just about all the guys that left from that prison that we allowed to walk free from that prison turned out to be just – they became regular members of the community, and some of them did kill folks and rob things and stuff like that. But in general, they were good guys. A lot of them did go back to life of crime, but they were good guys.

Anyhow. Anyhow. A lot of them did go back to a life of crime. And they were good guys. They just integrated themselves back into society all by themselves. A lot of them, like you, went back to crime. Yeah, that's right. Well, I don't know that I've committed any crimes. Oh, no, we have you on tape talking about it. But anyway, I got a question. I just got a real quick question for you guys. Yeah, sure. No problem. What floor is this building on? We're on the fifth floor. Because I understand the police are coming in through that door. Is that right? Yeah, they're coming in right through there. I actually think, unless we've changed studios...

I think we may have established that this window right here... Oh, it's on the first floor. It's on the first floor. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're on the first floor. Okay. It's very hard to...

But I think that everybody who jumps out of it, the assumption is that they have killed themselves. Yeah, it's a treacherous jump. That's part of the problem. Although, I will say this. Don DeMillo did survive the fall. He did. That's right. He's the one guy who's able to... He did jump out the window. He told me about that. He had fallen on a pile of dead bodies. Right. There are no dead bodies out there now. It's a really weird window where if you jump out of it...

You can only jump out of it the wrong way, basically. You catch your neck on certain things and you break your neck. It's really, it's very tricky. It's a one-floor jump. Yeah, but... But there's various obstacles. You're either going to catch your neck on or get impaled or something's going to get you right through the heart. It's dangerous. A lot of spikes, a lot of offense with those metal spikes. Right, right. You don't want to be jumping out the way. Oh, wow, I just, it looks like the police are coming in through the door. Okay, guys, well, it's been great.

And it's wonderful to meet you guys. You had us today. We have to keep talking. No hard feelings. I completely understand what you guys did. I get it. It's cool. Tony. Yep. You don't want to do this. You don't want to do this. Don't want to do what? You don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'm going to walk out that door and say, hey, let's go to prison. Hopefully they'll promote me with it and I'll be a guard within a year. If you're thinking that you will be somebody who jumps out the window and survives, you are wrong. You will not. Only one person out of 100 has ever survived. This is suicide. Listen, it's a one story story.

jump, I understand that your neck is in jeopardy and there's sharp objects down there. I feel like I could take my chances there. No, this is suicide. Please. I feel like, well, listen, I'm going to get myself an assisted fall out the window. I'd like you to have my hat, Jason. Jason, I'd like you to have my hat. I am honored to have this hat. Wow, what do I get? Enjoy it. You can have my pants. Oh, no, no. You can keep those. Keep those on your way out the window. I don't want to leave my maker in his pants. Enjoy it! Oh!

I had no idea that's where this was going. I had no idea. The humanity. This is like, this is, I've never been a part of too many shows in which somebody jumped through the window. Well, we should say, uh, policemen, you can go home. We have it all on tape, but I mean, he's out there. He's out there. Why are we looking out the window?

I'm just telling the policemen that he's no longer in here. Go out the window. Yeah, he jumped out the window. Don't jump out the window yourself because you'll never make it. But gosh, boy, that is terrible. Nicely done, gentlemen. Oh, Don. Oh, Don. Hi, Don. Don DeMello's here. Thank you very much for taking care of that nasty piece of business. Well, you know. Somebody had to go down. Yeah. For the dog thing.

Yeah, I understand. No, I mean, you know... He seemed like a nice guy and through all of it, but a troubled man, Don. Yeah. Troubled man is dead now. He was bad news. I don't know who I'm going to get to poke the girls with a stick now. Was that part of his job? That was one of his... Yeah, that was part of his job description. Don, can I ask you a question? Oh, yeah. Do you manage the Arclight in Hollywood? I'm just a night manager.

Don, I have a question for you. Now that all this Cactus Tony business is behind us, I am interested in this show you're doing at the Planetarium. I wonder if you could tell me a little bit about that. I'd love to hear about it. It's all about the stars, I hear? Yeah, well, it looks like I'm going to be able to come out of hiding over there. Oh, so it's a limited engagement. No, it's a limited engagement. So see it while you can, everybody. Yeah, that's right. Now, is this a bring your kids kind of scenario? You're more than welcome to bring your kids, absolutely. What we do is...

For every person in this show, which is pitch black dark in there, can't see a thing. I get you a girl, and she'll sit on your lap, and I'll get her in the microphone, and I'll just talk some bullshit about the stars and the galaxies and all that bullshit, just in case somebody overhears. But the basic thing of it is you get fucked in a chair in a planetarium. Anyway, that's the show. That's it? That's the show? What do you call the show? And what's it called? It's just...

It's just called Come on Down and Get Fucked at the Planetarium. Oh, okay. So, wow, come see that. Tonight might be the last night. Tonight might be the last night. It's not based on anything. Huh? It's not based on anything. It's not Disney's Come Get Fucked at the Planetarium? That's not a bad idea. It's not Star Wars? Tonight only. Good note. Disney's Come Get Fucked at the Planetarium. Meanwhile, you know, full disclosure, just in case somebody that works at the planetarium overhears, I am on the microphone talking about

You know, there's stars up there and there's planets. You can see up there and there's planets and stars at night. It is educational. It's very educational. I don't think there's a lot of crossover between people who work at the planetarium and listeners. I think they're too busy watching Enlightened. I should hope so. But anyway, if that doesn't turn you off, hear me talk about the stars, come on down and get fucked with Disney. Now, I'm going to go out the window. I think I've got a good chance. Don, you don't need to. Don, you don't need to go out the window. Stay here. The police are out.

there. Listen, I get a real charge out of going out this window that almost everybody dies when they go out it. Bring out the gun! Wait, let's look out the window. Oh, look! He made it! Well, he's scampering away off of Cactus Tony's dead body.

Oh, amazing. Well, Don DeMello has done it again. Number three. All right. Wow. That was exciting. Right through the window. Well, good, because he's a despicable human being. Don DeMello is despicable, and I like to think that he survived. I don't know if Cactus Tony survived. Don DeMello is like a cockroach who I think will outlive everyone. He's an elderly man. He is, and yet he's diving out that first story window.

Several times. By the way, that references an earlier episode where several people dove out this window. And you can hear that on our previous best ofs from 2012. Yes. And I highly recommend it. I, for one, highly recommend it. Thank you very much, Paul. All right. Yes. You're welcome. Well, OK. Well, OK. There should be something that people say after you're welcome. You know what I mean? Like that should continue. The end.

Thank you. You're welcome. The end. It's perfect. It's perfect. You know how many times you're like standing there trying to end a conversation? Every time. People go, all right, goodbye. See you later. Goodbye. You know, like there's so much of that. Someone should just say the end and you both agree that whenever someone says the end, you turn 180 degrees and you walk in opposite directions. Yes. Even if you're both walking towards your cars. Yeah. And you realize you parked next to each other. That's right. Nope. Nope.

You're going to have to walk around the earth. That's right. That almost seems impractical. I don't care. Well, new rules. New notice. All right. So speaking of the end, we have to take a break, but we're not at the end of the show because we still have your number two and your number one coming up after this. Hey, guys, it's a new year and I have an idea for you. Maximize every minute.

and every dollar this year for your small business. What does that mean? Of course, I want to maximize time. I want to maximize money. But how do you do it, Scott? It's easy for you and your ivory tower to sit there telling me to maximize minutes and dollars. But I'm just a simple man.

Well, I know an easy way to do it. I'm going to share it with you. Calm down. First of all, what is wrong with you? Calm down. I know an easy way to maximize every minute and every dollar. And it's easy. It's stamps.com. For instance, think about how much time you've wasted going to the post office, driving there, finding parking. They have these little tiny parking lots and everyone wants to go. What is it? What is their deal?

Well, Stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Just use what you already have, your computer and printer, to get official U.S. postage for any letter or any package. And then here's the best part. The mailman comes to your small business and picks it up from you. With Stamps.com, you can do everything you could do at the post office right from your desk and at a fraction of the cost of one of those expensive, stupid postage meters.

I have been using stamps.com personally for years here at Earwolf. I send you all of the t-shirts that you buy personally right through stamps.com. And right now you can use it using my promo code bang, bang. You get a special offer. Let me break it down. No risk trial.

$110 bonus offer. We're talking digital scale, digi, digi, digi. And up to $55 free postage. So don't wait. Go to stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in bang bang. That is stamps.com. Enter bang bang. And I resolve to see you never at the post office. All right. Comedy bang bang. This is exciting. I'm excited.

Because we have number two coming up here, here on the countdown. Number two. That's right, number two. And I have to say, this was our squeaker, okay? We have... Another squeaker? This was a squeaker. All right. You and your squeakers. Before the break, we heard halfway to China, you're number three. That had how many votes? 2,699. Wow. Now, bear in mind, 65,000 votes.

All right. People are just supposed to pick 10 episodes that they like. So it's kind of interesting that you would think up in these high numbers, they would be like, you know, 45,000. That's what I would assume. But I think out of those 65,000 votes, people are voting for one episode a lot of times.

Plus, every episode got votes. You know what I mean? Like, every episode. Really? Yeah. That's ridiculous. Every episode is someone's favorite. Well, some people are wrong. It's very interesting because, you know, a lot of people just assume that, well, certain episodes are not the good episodes or what have you. But this countdown goes to show that every episode is someone's favorite episode. Well, there's no accounting for taste. Come on, Paul.

All right, so...

This particular episode, which got number two, we already established, Halfway to China got $26.99. These two were flip-flopping the entire time as well. One was up, one was down. You mean the final two? No, no, no. Number two and three. Oh, okay. The previous one and this one, which came in at number two. So this beat out Halfway to China. Yes. And this was number three for a long time. And finally, at the end, got just a surge of votes. I don't think anyone campaigned.

But the fans of this episode and these people on the show are Legion. And there's just a groundswell of support last minute. And they finally got 2714 votes. OK, so 15 more votes. Now, Scott, of course, you're going to reveal which episode it is. We're going to hear the clip. Then I would like to ask you. Yes. What you think caused the surge? The purge?

You think the purge caused the surge? I think the purge did. Because for those 24 hours, people were allowed to vote however they wanted to vote. The purge caused the surge, so they got the urge. The flagging with the dragon is the brew that is true. Oh, my heavens. Older references. Older, older, older. We're really going way back. Look these up, by the way. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy Hell's a-poppin' with the Ritz brothers. This is a lot like listening to Paul's Boutique or something and hearing these references and then you go look them up. That's what we're trying to do with this. Woo!

All right. This is episode number two on your countdown. Number two. Number two. Here we go. This is from episode 238. This is an episode called Marissa Wampler's Birthday Pool Party Live. Yes. Not done. Oh, sorry to interrupt. Oh! That was like a Batman on the Ride. I hope so. A roller coaster. Yeah.

I think I made – maybe that was on Analyze Fish. I made a vow to never say that was like an emotional roller coaster. I'm just going to say that was an emotional Batman the Ride. Oh. That's – okay. Did that need to be a vow? Yeah. It was a solemn vow as well. It was not made in jest. Were you – I mean like were you – I picture you making that vow –

Like you're kneeling down in front of like a church, like you're in a like a monk's cell, right? You're looking out a window that's like a shaft of light on your face and your hands are clasped in prayer. You're saying, I vow to never again say emotional roller coaster, but rather an emotional Batman the ride. But rather. And then you make the sign of the cross and then you whip yourself like in. Self-flagellate. Yes, of course. Is it just flagellate or is it self-flagellate?

Self-flagellate. You can flagellate another person. I wish you would. Okay, thank you. I will. Coming up after this. All right. When you hear your family. So, Marissa Wampler's birthday pool party live. Let me give a little background on this with my friend Lil Background. Okay, Marissa Wampler... He's the DJ. I'm the rapper. Marissa Wampler is...

My intern on the show. She started several years ago on the show. She was just a kid. She was just a kid. She was in high school. She she's still in high school. She was supposed to intern on the show every single week. The very first day she was there, I started the show. She threw on the cans, the headphones and started talking into the mic.

And she just did the whole show. She thought that's what being an intern was. It's crossing a line. Was being on the show. No, you're just supposed to get people waters and stuff. I have an intern now. Keep your mouth shut. An intern now, Gino, who does his job wonderfully. He gets so many waters for people. I love Gino. He's so great. Yeah. So now Marissa, not only that, but she never showed up then for like another three months or so. She drops by every three months for her internship. Yeah. And then just does the show. Anyway, so we've talked. I don't know how she's getting credit for this.

We've talked to her many times over the years. And her birthday is in August. And on a previous appearance, we talked about how on her birthday, she was going to have a pool party for everyone at her high school. She's going to invite all of her friends. And we decided it would be fun to do a live broadcast from this pool party. So we did an episode live from the pool at her condo association.

And just a little bit about her life. She has a stepfather, Seth, who is, in my opinion, kind of mean to her. She has a teacher, Listler, who she's in some sort of – she calls it a gifted program, but I have suspicions that it's just kind of like a program for slower children because it's in a basement and there's only 13 of them. And they don't seem to study really anything of note.

She also has a boy that she likes who she scissored.

And then there's the girl that he likes. It's a long, complicated story. Listen to all of Marissa Wampler's episodes to really get the background on it. But this is live from her birthday party. And we're going to hear two chunks. We're going to hear a lot of I guess we're not going to hear two. No, we are going to hear two chunks. We're going to hear. Make up your goddamn mind. All right. We'll hear two chunks. All right. Let's hear them. This is your number two.

So before the break, we said some very inflammatory things. Yeah. I feel like we should follow up. I guess we do. Now, we talked about this a little on the Womptacular or the last time we were on the show. I can't remember. Yeah, last time. Lissler, you think the baby... I don't even know how this would work. You think Diane's baby might be your baby? I'm just saying...

I knew from some confidential medical records that I found that Diane... Where'd you find these? She's a sniper. I told you there's easy ways to get there. She has rabbit warrens all throughout Marina Del Rey. Sometimes when you drive over a pothole, you think it's a pothole, that's one of her warrens. Diane...

Supposedly had a hysterectomy, so I don't know how she's getting pregnant. Yeah, months after she gave birth to me, she said, take it all out. Not for a medical reason, either. B. I don't want it anymore. She says, I don't want it anymore. I store secretly my frozen eggs at the same fertility place that they go to. What do you mean secretly? You're not paying by the month for that? No, I go in every night and put my eggs into the... That's a lot of eggs. You're unloading your eggs every night? How many eggs are you unloading? That's too much.

That's too many eggs. No, the same eggs. Wait, you're just taking the eggs out and then putting them back in. You take them out for a drive during the day? What the hell is going on? I put them in a container with dry ice during the day. First of all, no one knows they're there. Well, not now they do. And second of all, I wouldn't trust them during the day anyway. But at night, while I'm sleeping and I have to get rest, I need to know that they're being cared for. Okay. Well, you know what? So I crawl in through the heating ducts.

And I dropped them in. And then one day... Always a sniper, aren't you? Two eggs were missing. Whoa, okay. And it happened to be the same day that you and Diane came in. Oh, I see. So we just happened to go in there and take your eggs? Are you saying it's our fault? Well, we know they're viable. We know your eggs are viable. I would not. I would not. 100% they're viable. I would never. Never. She's had...

No fewer than 13 ectopic pregnancies. And a son named August. And a half African-American son named August. I don't... All right, I'm going to say that I... August Wilson-Listler. A father has a sense of what's going on with the wife. Now, I know that this is not...

I want you to test that baby when it comes out. I mean, I guess you'll know if it has a mohawk. It's mine. With frosted tips. If it comes out with a mohawk with frosted tips, you know it's Lissler. If it comes out pre-styled, it's your kid. But it's your baby and my baby. It would be our, your, and my baby. And I could finally have a real family. Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait. It wouldn't be related to you at all. So this would be actually good news for you. Okay, this is kind of a burn on you. I just threw up a little bit in my throat.

Have you ever heard that? I've never heard that. That's a bird? That's one of your classic birds? Get out of here. Hold on. You threw up. In your throat? But it didn't come out of your mouth? No, I swallowed it down a little bit. I heard a guy say that the other day, and I was like, that's a great indication of not being comfortable. The phrase is, I threw up in my mouth. Do you know that one time I caught Seth with a series of flashcards that were human emotions?

And he goes through them every morning. Like, this is what a person looks happy. On the reverse, it had like a stick figure drawing. Yes, like he has to guess. Happy. Oh, that's right. Sad. Frustrated. So he can read people. All right. To be fair, when I was a child, I grew up in almost sort of like a Sarajevo-like environment. You grew up in Butunut.

I know, but I was left in my crib for days on end without human contact, without any kind of... They would come in, they'd drop the food off, they'd go, we gotta go work. I mean, they had to work. I get it. Believe me, I get it. I'm the one who's living in a crawl space. I should have those flashcards. Too bad I'm so emotionally adept. You're not adept, honey. You are clumsy. But you know what? I don't care about you anymore because I have a new lover. Oh.

He's here. He's here? He's here. I'm going to have him. I'm having him zip line in from the corner over there. Hey, Kareem! You know that the condo's not going to allow that. Oh, God! Oh, he's coming in too fast! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! God damn it! Oh, God! God damn it! Ow! That hurt! He hit all of us! He hit all of us! How did you get all... Ow, my pelvis. Kareem? Kareem?

Are you okay? I'm very okay. How are you? Wait, were you guys playing?

that this whole time? I am helping Ms. Lissler with the setup of the stage here and I saw that this corner over here is available to have a zip line put in. So we have created it. If I gotta pay for this bullshit, I am gonna be a goddamn man. This is all coming out of the school's budget. It is? You don't even work there. Yep.

Exactly. Do you have a Warren hole into the... I have access to their QuickBooks. Oh, gosh. Anybody can now zip line straight into the pool. Cream, can I say that your falafel is delicious? Oh, thank you very much. Thanks for setting up that...

People are really doing it. It is Marissa. For you, everything is possible. God, I love this guy. Kareem, now, do you sell falafel at your 7-Eleven? We should mention that you and Lissler met at your 7-Eleven on a day when Lissler was... Describe your meet cute, if you will.

Well, I walked in to fill up a giant igloo cooler with slushy. I noticed her immediately. And he said that... Even though she was wearing complete camouflage. Yeah. I had on 7-Eleven camouflage, so I had just taped a bunch of chips to my body. But...

I saw it immediately. A couple bags of SunChips. You did. I was like, there is a woman wearing a suit made of potato chips. I want to track her and see what she's up to. At first, was it you were trying to figure out what she was doing with the Slurpee machine? Oh, she seemed very untrustworthy. Well, then she broke your slushie machine. Oh, yes. And you were real pissed. Oh, yes. And then we couldn't walk by there for, I don't know, three or four months. Mm-hmm.

And then you guys... I taped a picture from my security camera up behind the cash register to say, beware for this woman. She is not good. She's a bad person. Right. And then you guys went on a date.

That's right. How did that even come about? I can't even, I mean, you have a picture taped of stay away from this woman. Then all of a sudden you're on a date. What happened? Well, he has a separate, what's it called? That glass that bullets won't go through. The partition? Yeah. Where he usually does this cashiering, which is where the picture is. And one day I just appeared in there.

You'd gotten in through the air ducts again. And it spooked him. Yeah, because this is a place where everything is safe for me. Yeah, sanctuary. And then I'm not sure how she got in there. I don't know what happened. It was like, you know, in the Batman movies, when the policeman is talking to Batman, he turns around, the Batman is gone. It's the opposite of that. This was like the opposite of this. I am just sitting there talking to myself. I turn around and this woman is there. Mm-hmm.

And in four questions, I broke through the emotional wall as well, and we were friends again. Yes. May I ask what those questions were? You may not.

But if she ever asks them, don't answer them unless you want to fall madly in love with her. How will I know she's asking me? You're not going to know. You're not going to know. I had no idea until question number four. And questions one through three, I'm not even sure if they're relevant. They're gibberish. Yeah, but question four, I immediately, everything changed for me. Yes, I broke down and began crying.

But also, it's stirring in my loins. What happened behind that bulletproof glass, may I ask? Oh, we made love. Oh, okay. Then we filled out a contract. Yep. Post lovemaking. I didn't have the papers with me, Marissa. Well, I thought you said you always have to get a signature before you go forward. She didn't want to do any work.

I made a signature. You didn't make me sign a blank piece of paper. Yes. Oh, and then you Xeroxed. This is an example of my trust in her. I knew that she would not use this for ill will. That's beautiful. All right. Well, I guess I'll do the introductions. I'm Dr. Seth Wampler. Hello. Sorry about that, Seth. Somebody's jealous. Sitting here like a jackass. Somebody's jealous.

I'm Scott Aukerman. I've been asking you questions. Obviously, you must have heard the podcast. I feel bad because I feel as though I'm being rude, but I've heard all about all of you guys from Lissler. Oh, so have you listened to the show? No, no, no. I don't listen to computers or anything like this. But she's telling me all the time we are together while we are eating dinner. She's telling me all about all of you people. And I get most of my diornos.

From at 7-Eleven. So I'm in there three or four times a day to get my DiGiorno's, my cream cheese. Hot Pockets. Hot Pockets. She's very... Pop-Tart. I keep saying, like, these are going straight to your thighs. Yeah. And she still eats them. Yeah. What happened in that three months you couldn't get those DiGiorno's? Did you slim down at all? Yeah, I did. You looked good for once, and I don't. Hey, hurtful.

No, no. But what I'm saying is that... He's just trying to encourage you that you could change. Kareem says... Stop being so fat from down below your waist. You know what, man? I'll take that right into therapy with Whistler. I'm going to have to cocoon about that for like seven and a half weeks. Stop being so fat. Kareem says women in Pakistan, it's a sign of great wealth to have thighs that are...

22 times the size of your top. You know what else it is? It's also pretty kosher to slam some airplanes into buildings where he comes from. 9-11, never forget. All right, all right, all right. Same, all you guys. Everybody wants to come in here and rape our buildings. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, but can I take the mic with me because I think something's going on. Yeah, yeah, no, go ahead, take the wireless with you. Okay, hold on. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so... Careful on that. Careful going down the... Instantly started breathing very heavily. Anytime I move. Marissa just is climbing down the rock wall. Oh, God. Okay. Hold on. Hold on one second. I just saw two people go into the pump room. The pump room? Yeah, where they pump all the chlorine from the...

from the pool. Hold on. We called it the pump room for a different reason. Which reason would that have been? She's doing the Lissler thing. Yeah, you don't have to make the noise of the door. Are you your own foley artist? What are you doing? What are you doing here? Could you please give us some privacy? What's going on in here? What? What is going on in here? Marissa, what's happening down there? Well, all I see is a crumpled up pair of jams in the corner.

And, um... Jams? Yeah, and there's, uh, Danielle, and then two, two Asian girls. What? Yes. And, uh, I don't know what was just happening, but I'm freaking out right now. Wait, Eric. Jessica Wombley, what are you doing in here? Oh, my God! Oh, Jessica Wombley, you're so... Ow! You're so lame! What is happening? My name is Marissa Wombley! I can't believe this!

Okay. What'd you think her name was? Jessica Wambler? That would be absurd. I was just invited to this podcast. That would be like thinking Eric's name is Jason. That wouldn't make any sense. Sweetheart. Oh, my God. I'm freaking out. Sweetheart, ask her if she still has the card I gave her. What? Card? Ask her about the card, sweetheart. What is going on? That's not important right now, Seth. I think it is. That girl's feet are tiny. Why is everybody laughing? Describe what you're seeing, Marissa, because we are not seeing what you're seeing, and the listeners certainly can't either. Okay.

They've made a sort of nest out of towels. In detail, please, especially when you're speaking of Danielle. A nest out of towels. Danielle's tits are akimbo. Akimbo? They're separated from each other? They're flopping to and fro. What is the shape of them? They're conical in shape.

The nipples look like tiny silver dollars. They're perfect. They're perfect. In fact, there's a bright light coming from them. I wish I had brought my sunglasses. Okay. And there's two Asian girls there as well? What are they doing? There are two Asian girls. They seem to be attending in some sort of way. Oh. One of them has a hand towel over their hand as a waiter would. I don't know what happened. Garbage.

Eric, are you down there? Yeah, I'm here, Scott. What's going on down there? Danielle was here and she said she wanted to talk to me about our breakup in the pool house. In the pump room, rather. In the pump room? In the pump room. So I came in here and then... It hurts! It hurts!

And what happened? Please, talk slowly. Kristen and Katie came in with us. What kind of names are those for Asian people? They're American names. Shut up. They're probably third generation at this point. Which one are you? Now, what's your name? That's Katie. I'm Kristen. Okay.

And you're serving tea down there? Kimmy has produced from God knows where her gigantic purse what seems to be a tea setting for 11 or 12 people. The orange blossom is sweet jasmine. I'll take some tea. You will not have any tea! Eric. I will be over at the bed. Eric, why are your jams off? When we got in here...

When we got in here, Danielle said she wanted to see something, and then she took my jams off. I just wanted to see his jams off. You know what? I don't believe any of this. Then she took her top off, and I got a boner, and she said, see, I knew it. You still love me. Okay. That's all I needed to hear. I want all of you. I want you out of my pool party immediately. But wait, Marissa, but wait, but wait. What? I said I don't.

I said I don't love you. I love someone else. I'm just sexually attracted to you. Oh, my God. He did say that. That is one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever said to me. Wait, wait. I have to clarify. You love someone else. Who are you talking about? Katie. What? It's true. He said I love you very much and I said I love you. What?

Oh my goodness. So Eric, you are burning through the ladies at Marina Del Rey High. I don't know what's happening anymore. Choctaw, I'm sorry you had to have to see me this way. You guys want music right now, right? As to underscore this? Just playing just the two of us. Marissa, I'm not seeing you, by the way. Well, really, it should be just the four of us. Five of, there's actually five of you. Five, with Kimmy.

Sweetheart, get out of there. If it's a negative environment, get out of there for yourself. All right, thank you, Seth. I'm getting out of here. I'm getting out of here. Okay. Hey, close the door behind you. Just get out of here. I hate all of you. Come on back up here. Let me explain. Get out of here. I should bring a tea. Nobody wants you stupid. I'll just take it. I love a good Jap tea. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Okay. Marissa, come back up here. Use one of the tramps. Okay. Get up here quickly. Okay, I'm here. Wait, use the water cannon. Okay.

Whoa! Whoa! Ow! God damn it. You know what? That was actually a really great idea to use the water cannon because I kind of felt like I got reborn there for a second. You got up here real fast. I feel a lot better. It wasn't awkward watching you climb up that thing. Oh, God. I'm so sorry, Marissa. I feel terrible. You know what? It's better that I saw it because I need to understand what's going on. I mean, obviously, Gutterballs is not in any position to be in a relationship, and I think we knew that. Can you describe his man-canicle pencil? We did.

Well, it was as thin and long as I had remembered. Excuse me, can I just say something? I cannot believe it. Why did you get up here? When we went to the prom...

I said to you that I thought we could make a very good couple and that I had real feelings for you. And then you said that we couldn't be together because you didn't feel that way towards me. And so I went out and I moved on. Why did you say that? I declared my love to you and I said I would go. I would not go to college so that I could be in town for your last year of high school. But you got into Marina Del Rey community. Why would you turn that up?

That's what she said. Turn it down, sweetheart. You turn it down. You don't turn it up. Whatever. And you said that I should go and do that and that you didn't love me and you only thought of me as a friend. And so I started going out with Katie Wong.

Why would you say that? We've talked about Eric constantly since your first appearance. I had been watching obsessively the Kate Hudson movie How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. Oh, okay. And this was on Charlotte Lissler's recommendation. You've got to stay away from that movie. It's a great film. I'm with you. I was surprised. I got roped into that one, too. And I had five.

I'm sorry I don't have blurred lines.

Wait, do you need it? I can give it to you. It's too late. Is this the kind of thing you do at 5.30 in the morning? This sounds more like army training, by the way. What kind of deep, are we doing a deep squat? Is there some sort of tire obstacle course that you're supposed to go through? It's a garbage can run. Am I spotting one of them? Sure, get behind your stepdaughter. Sweetheart, you know how much you weigh below your waist, so don't tip back on me. Should we get Danielle up here as well? I'm here!

Hey! All right, yeah. God, you popped them? Like, what are those? How much weight can this thing hold? Let's all be clear about this. I feel like Katie should be here, too. Yeah, how much... We really... Because we all know how much we all weigh. How much do your boobs weigh? Oh, God! Just so we know if this is going to collapse or not. I weighed them once on a grocery scale, and they're about 12.5 pounds each. Yeah, I hope you wet-wiped that grocery scale, because that's disgusting. A couple of bowling balls. Can someone say wet-wipes? I have a wet-wipe for you. Kip...

Which one are you? Katie. That's Katie. Marissa, I do feel like I should tell you. I'll take that. I do feel like I should tell you, Marissa, that even though I feel like you are the love of my life. Yes. I have been having a prolonged summer long three way with Danielle and Katie.

Okay. Whoa. Okay, this tea is very hot. Nobody wants your fucking tea, Kimmy. I'll take the tea. Nobody wants it. Sweetheart, I need, this is Japanese tea. I'm going to take some of this. Please don't burn your lips, sir. Thank you so much. Kimmy? She's not part of the three-way. She just serves tea during it. She's a tea girl. Kimmy? She just gives us tea. Arigato. Arigato, Domo. All right, we get it. You spent time overseas. Yes, I did.

Wow. All right, continue. Please continue with the sharing of the feelings. Does it feel like the platform's shifting slightly? Yes. Okay. Eric, what I want to say to you is that I wasn't ready for you to walk into my life and turn it upside down the way you did. And now that you have, I'm going to be changed forever. And I think it's best for us to sever contact.

Starting right now. Oh, no. Sorry, what kind of tea is this? Seth, I am in the middle of an emotional break. This tea is so good. It is so good. This platform shouldn't be swaying. Guys, I don't feel safe right now. Emotionally or physically on this platform. Everybody should get on a zip line to get out of here.

And also, I do also want to just say one last thing. And this is not exactly a plug, but it is something I want to get out of the way right now. Sure. Miss Lissler. What? Oh my God, what's happening? And since you've come into my life...

This has been the happiest, most beautiful period I have ever experienced. Shoot you in the face right now. When my wife was murdered in front of me in my country, I swore to her that I would never fall in love and marry again. I am now willing to go back on that promise. Is she going to haunt me? She will never haunt you. She would want me to be happy is what she said. But is she a ghost, though? Can we let this propel in? This is the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. This needs more info. I'm not nervous. I have this ring.

And I would like you, Miss Lizla, to be my wife. Can we be together in this state? What does that mean? What does that mean? Is it legal for us to be together in this state? I don't think it is. What do you mean? What do you mean? You could marry him. No, he's a foreigner. I don't understand. Illegal. I'm a man. What? What?

Okay, hold on. We don't have time. We don't have time to pull on this thread. No, no, hold on. I want to thank Haley Lear, who donated $100 to CBB. Thank you so much. And Danielle, what do you want to... Danielle, what do your tits have to plug? I'm doing the Maria Del Rey dance competition with my Asians. It's Danielle and her Dirty Dynamic dancers. What day is that in time? Stop writing it down. It's next Saturday. Come here. It'll be so much fun for you.

We have so much tea for everyone. Let's close up the plug bag. Here we go. Wait a minute. The vibrations from the closing of the plug bag are causing... This thing is shifting. This thing is shifting. The platform is shifting! Grab a zip line if you can. Number two. Oh, Wampler. She's terrible at interning. She really is, but I like listening to her.

Do you really? I do. She's very unpleasant. She is. She has a weird body. She said, well, I don't hold that against her. Well, it's not her fault. If you know what I mean. I would never hold it against her. Ah, men, the secret language of them. This is what it's like. It is her fault, by the way. She talked about it. She eats way too many DiGiorno sandwiches. Yeah, DiGiorno sandwiches. Which is cream cheese, two DiGiorno shells.

No tomato sauce, no cheese, but there's just cream cheese spread over them. It does sound good. It does sound kind of good, but that's why she looks like that. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have This Is Amazing, your number one episode of the year. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. What could it be? I think I don't know. All right. Well, I think I know. We'll be right back after this. Guys, it's a new year. Happy New Year.

We have new resolutions that go along with the celebratory words we exchange with each other, i.e., Happy New Year. What are your resolutions? Well, reading more, probably somewhere at the top of your list. We don't do it enough. Well, let me tell you, from one friend, and I am your friend, to another, you're doing it wrong, idiot! Keep doing it wrong and you won't be my friend for much longer.

Here's how to do it right.

Download Audible today and actually do something about your resolutions for once. Audible has over 150,000 audiobooks and stand-up sets to choose from, and you can play Audible on tons of platforms. You got iPods, iPhones. What did you get this Christmas? Window phone? MP3 player? Well, all you need is the desire to read, and Audible makes everything else easy for you.

If you go to Audible now, you'll get a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial. All you got to do is log on to audible.com backslash bang bang to get it. With so many choices, it can be hard, I know, to choose what audiobook to download first. Well, I have an idea for you. Go head over to Audible today and get Friends of the Show, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross's book, Hollywood Said No. The book is narrated by Bob and David themselves, and I'm on that.

You can hear me on it. So what are you waiting for? That is a free audiobook and a 30-day free trial by visiting audible.com backslash bangbang. Remember, audible.com backslash bangbang for a free audiobook and a three 30-day free, free, free trial. Thanks, Audible. And now on with the party. All right, comedy. All right, comedy. Comedy. Bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

Bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Comedy bing bong. Do you hear them sirens? Oh man, somebody done a crime. Oh hell. Too bad it wasn't a plane. I was listening to my Bearcat scanner. I heard a crime go. I like this guy. I kind of like it too. All right, work on that. Okay. All right. Maybe we'll see him later. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. Can I wait with Scott? Yep.

I just want to reset with the listener and say hi to them. Hello. Hello. Hi. We're having fun here. I think, yes. It's been a journey.

Yeah, it has been a journey. We've counted down your top 15. We've even heard what 20 through 16 were. We haven't heard clips from them. But top 15 this year. Some great stuff this year. A lot of great stuff. Listen, this show was on fire this year. Great guests. People going out of their goddamn minds. There was so much giggling and goofery. Gallant showed up at one point. Yeah, he was not. He was not welcome. Nope.

Tables got turned. Now he was like, hey, guys. Get out of here, gallant. Go hold the door open for an old lady. We like goofus. That's right. Goofus around. Yeah.

Some good stuff this year. And, you know, you hate to be at the end of a countdown, but you love to watch it leave. And, of course, what would the end of a countdown be without your number one? Number one. That's right. Number one. Here we are. I love that old expression. It's not the end of a countdown without a number one. We're here. What do you think it is?

I know what I would like it to be. Yeah? What is that? Well, I'm not going to say. Okay. If I say the title and that is what you would like it to be, will you say that? I will confirm that. Okay, great. Now, we've had a lot of... Oh. Yes. If it's not what I would like it to be, I will very obviously lie and say that that is what I wanted it to be. Okay, great. I'm going to be confused because I don't pick up on lying. You will know the difference. All right. Well, I don't know. I have a hard time reading emotions. Okay.

Okay. This is now a lot of the previous positions had some jockeying back and forth. Sure. Not this one. This was the runaway favorite from the whole time. The entire time. It never was less than number one. Wow. The entire time. Wow. And by hundreds and thousands of votes. How can you say how many votes did this one get? This one ended up getting almost 4000 votes.

And this, everything else was in the twos. Wow. So the votes were pretty even. But this got the most votes? This got the most, yes. So the votes were pretty evenly distributed over the... Well, let's see. No? Number 15 had, let me check on that, had 1,487. Okay. I don't know math. Mm-hmm.

Or how it goes. Well, we've been counting. What would a countdown be without number one? No, I get that. Of course, I know that expression. But yeah, I wish I hadn't opened up this worm can. Oh, why are there so many cans of worms? Sirens. Did you hear? This guy's great. A crime went.

Okay, so this was far and away the favorite episode of everyone of the year. I was listening to it again today, and it certainly is one of my favorite episodes we've ever done. There is so much out of this episode. We're going to take it in two chunks. You're saying it's rich, textured, layered. And there are so many bits in it and so much good stuff and so much story happening. I couldn't figure out exactly what to cut from it. So we're going to hear two long chunks. We're going to take a break in the middle from it.

From it. In it. We've got to take a break from it. This is your number one episode, and it is from episode 215, and it is an episode called Time Bobby 2. Yeah!

You were lying? Really? No, Scott, you're terrible at reading things. Time Bobby 2. Can I just say, Time Bobby 1, last year, just Time Bobby. It wasn't Time Bobby 1. We never knew there would be a sequel. That's right. That would have been bold to entitle it Time Bobby 1. We should do an episode like that next year. We're definitely going to do another one of these, no matter what. Actually, we may have one coming up. Okay. But the first Time Bobby episode...

Won our countdown last year. That's right. This is the only time this has ever happened. As I mentioned earlier, Farts and Procreation, they won number one one year, and then they slipped down to either two or three. I can't remember the next year. And then number three was number five this year. So this is the only time this has ever happened where an episode won number one one year, and then its sequel won number one the second year. And that is just a testament to the quality of these episodes, I believe.

Well, I'm very excited. This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. A lot of stuff going on. Hey!

A lot of stuff going on. I enjoyed this. I enjoyed this greatly. Yes, as did I. Now, we're going to hear a couple of chunks here before we take a break. We're going to hear basically this is our good friend Andrew Lloyd Webber, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. You heard him pretty early in this countdown in number 15. He was just hanging out with us.

And as it happened in the previous Time Bobby episode, the reason this is a sequel is because of the people involved. The personnel. I was just chatting with Andrew Lloyd Webber. You'll hear a little bit of that. And then a very special guest comes in who was in the previous Time Bobby episode. And...

A lot of stuff happens. I'm not going to spoil it for you, but it ends on a cliffhanger. And then when we come back from that, we'll take a break and then we'll hear the resolution of that cliffhanger. I can't wait. All right. So this is your number one episode. Time, Bobby, to number one. And what has been going on with you, Andrew Lloyd Webber?

I mean, you've been living in the merry old land of Ing. Yes. England. Of course. And it's been a while since we have spoken. It's been quite a while. It's been, of course, quite a while. And I always love to catch up with you because you're always up to something fascinatingly interesting. Oh, yes, aren't I? Yes, of course. Always up to something fascinatingly interesting.

I say, do you hear that rap-tap-tapping upon the... Our chamber door? Yes. Tis a visitor, I suppose, and nothing more. Where's that voice coming from? Hello? I'm looking in the space where a regular-sized human being man would be. Yes, directly across from our eyeballs. Yes. And there is nothing there. And yet I distinctly hear a voice. You've got to look down towards the ground. What's that? Skulltrick, do you see whom I aspire? Oh, my gosh, I think I see it. How you guys doing? Oh, hello. It's, uh...

Dear Forval. It's been a while. It's been. It's been. Now, Forval, it's been quite a while since we've seen you. It's been a long time, but it's good to see you guys. I am paralyzed with fright. Yes. Keep calm. Do the other thing.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to start off by apologizing for stabbing you last time. Last time you were on the show, you were a frisky little boy. I got a little stabby. You did get quite stabby. Yeah, it's been a long time since then, so... It's been the worst experience of my life. Yeah. It's been...

A long time since we've seen you. Dismissive Jimmy Stewart. Dismissive Jimmy Stewart, of course. Didn't realize he was also dismissive. Very dismissive. I, for all, let me catch the listeners up on what is happening right now. One of the last times that Lord Weber, Lloyd Lord, Weber and I. Lloyd Lloyd Weber. Lloyd Lloyd Webby. Webby. Webby.

Got together a tiny young orphan boy, Hugh. Hugh Jackman? No, Hugh that I'm looking at right now. Oh, that I thought you meant to have. No, he's been to broadcasting school. Hugh came into the studio looking for scraps. Yeah, I was lost. You were lost and you were looking for scraps and then ended up looking for a father.

Lord Lord was about to... Lord Lord? Lord Lord Weppy. I was going to make you my ward. Yeah. Invite you to my castle. Yeah. To live in a gilded cage. On top of the world. That's right. Do you live on top of the world? Yes, didn't you know? We've never spoken about what your actual address is. Yes. The North Pole? 500 top of the world. That's right. If you say...

If you would like to send me some correspondence simply addressed to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, the North Pole. I remember at one point there was a big court case deciding whether or not you were real. And someone from the post office came in and dumped just sacks and sacks of letters to you. Yes. It was such a hassle.

They declared a mistrial. Of course they did. I'm allowed to walk the earth as a real person. Are they retrying it, though, ever since the mistrial? Oh, I hope not. What do you know? You should check in on that. We have to do some web research. But let's not forget. Webber research. Let's not forget we have a...

Stabby orphan in front of us. Oh, I totally forgot. I got so sidetracked on this. I'm not going to hurt anybody unless you fucking get me. This is the problem, the unless. It's exactly what happened last time. You said you weren't going to hurt us, and then you said I'm wet. I don't want to hurt nobody. I just want love and some food, maybe some scraps. Like if you have some flies, I'll eat those. Renfillion behavior from Volvo. Can you still make the webs?

It's been quite a while. Wait, how long? It's been since I was a child, I think. Engineer Frank, did we install the metal detectors in the studio yet? Why haven't you done that? We have this open door. It's been on your honey-do list forever. It's been on my honey-do list forever, and we still have not done it.

Look, I don't wanna start this again. I just wanna be truthful this time. I am carrying. How many knives are you carrying? He's got a plastic knife! I've got a bandolier full of knives. A wooden knife? He's got knives for every... I've got a butter knife. It's actually made of butter. Oh my goodness, really? Hardened butter? Yeah. My goodness, that's kinda cute. When you hold it, it gets warm. Is that an icicle? Yeah.

You have an icicle in your bandolier? Yeah. It's the perfect murder weapon because the evidence melts. Because you give to somebody and then it melts and nobody knows. Yeah. And then you've also got a leg of lamb in there. A frozen leg of lamb. Yeah. I can't eat it because it's frozen or else I'd be chowing down.

But I just wanted to let you know, I'm always pecking. I can't help it because I'm from the streets. I do. For new listeners, yes, this is a young orphan, Forval. Yeah. And why do you call yourself Forval? It's like five. We'll put one less. Oh, right, right, right. Of course. It's everything. I forget these things. I have my little brother's three-fold. You have family? Now, wait a minute. If you've got family, dear boy, why are you running around stabbing people for scraps? Oh, they died. Oh.

Oh, you were speaking of him in the present tense. Yeah. Because I still carry him with me in my little heart. Oh, in your heart. Oh, I was afraid he was in that bandolier. I also was afraid. Wait, part of him. What? Are they frozen? No. Oh, okay. Just loose meat. Okay.

Scraps, in other words. Relatively recent death this three-full suffered? A couple days ago, yeah. And might I inquire, I ask trepidatiously, what might have been the cause of three-full's demise? We were watching a movie and he said he wanted to go to sleep and could you turn it down? I said, are you fucking kidding me, bro? Are you fucking kidding me, bro? What movie?

I'm sorry? What movie? Was it something that had to be listened to loudly? It was the Drow Mama from the train. Okay, okay, I understand. Loud train sounds? Yes. Bing, bing, bing, bing. Adds to the... Ooh, that's quite good. Thank you so much. That was a good train sound. It's almost like you're watching it right now. I thought there was a train coming. I was going to hop on it. Oh, that's what you do as an orphan. Yeah, a little boxcar. Can I ask you a question that I'm very, very concerned about? Of course. You say there's loose meat of your brother, Threeville, inside your bandolier. Yeah.

And loose meat is scraps. Yeah. And it's heavily established that you're out there looking for scraps. Scottrick! Scottrick, you fucking... I'm very alarmed at this conversational track. Just like a questioning? Yes. I'm just wondering... Are you about to say what I think you're about to say? Yes, whatever happened to Jay Davidson. Oh. What did happen to Jay Davidson? Do you know, Forval? Yeah. Yeah.

You know what happened to Jay Davidson? Look on the back of my bandolier. Oh my god! His... Jay Davidson's penis! This big surprise of the crying game! Spoiler alert! Now wait, you recognize this on site? Yeah, of course I do! It's the most famous penis in the world! You know, that's a fair point. Why... How did you get Jay Davidson's penis? Um, I saw him... I saw him at the store one day and I said, Hey, you're Jay Davidson, right? And he said, Why? Well, yeah...

What a voice he had. Remember his melodious voice. He had a beautiful, akin to Jeffrey Holder. He could have been the new Darth Vader in the new movies. He said, you look lonely. And I said, I need a home to stay. And he said, you can stay with me. And I said, let me see that dick. And I cut it right off.

But why? Because I don't want to live with that asshole. You could have just said no. I guess I could, but when you're on the streets, man, you got to think quick. You got to be on your toes, even if they're little orphan toes. Was his penis exposed in the store? This is what I'm wondering. What kind of store is this? Oh, yeah, that guy's a little freak, man. He walks around with his penis out all the time. What store is this? It's the only way people recognize him. Is this some sort of pornography store that you were at, is it? Yeah, it was at the pornography store.

Lasex shoppy? Yeah, a Lasex shoppy. You high-end. Yeah, sometimes I go in there and steal edible panties to eat. Oh. Now I feel bad for him again. Although you claim to me as no... Pretty much my whole life is making people feel bad for me so that I could live with them. So you're aware of it? I don't know if aware is the word as much as I know my place. You're cognizant. Yeah, cognizant. Correct. Correct.

Well, that's – I just – I worry that you're out there searching for scraps and what you're doing is carving up human beings and then eating them. I mean just to lay it out there. I never ate a human being. Don't slander me like that. I mean I keep them just in case because if it ever gets real bad, I might have to. But thank God it hasn't gotten to that point yet. No.

You have yet to taste human flesh. Yeah, and it's just my brother, part of my brother losing me and JJ with his penis. That's all I got to thought. It's not like I'm a mass murderer. Let me ask you this. If it were to come to that, if you were in some sort of situation where there were no more edible panties to eat. Shut up to think. What kind of a world would that be?

That's a living nightmare. What would you eat? Alternative engine. Which would you eat first? Would you eat your brother, Threville, or would you eat Jay Davidson's Huang? I'm not going to lie. I think I'm going for the brother because I ain't done with that gay shit. Wait a minute. Threville, really? You're homophobic? A little bit, yeah, yeah. But you would miss it. I'm fully admitted about that. I don't understand it. I'm cool with that. They can do what they want, but I mean...

I was walking down the street, and I heard the beautiful voice, and I thought, this is my time to come apologize. Maybe this is the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have you on the show anymore, Andrew Lloyd Webber. You blame me. Well, I mean, he heard your voice, and all of a sudden, here he is. Some sort of stabby orphan lightning rod. I'm going to be honest. I was outside when Weird Al Yankovic was here, but I gave the respect to that man. Oh, okay. And I didn't come in, but if you don't hear from...

Weird Al again, that's not... Now I say, wait a minute. Why does he deserve respect and we don't? Honestly, because you guys fucking punked me over that time I was here. I think you're bearing the lead. He just intimated that he has murdered to death Weird Al Yankovic. What? He said if we don't hear from him again... Do you have anything else in that... in that... Wait, have you... Have you murdered the Vicar of Yanks? Or are you going to?

This Hawaiian t-shirt didn't come from... He has a Hawaiian t-shirt made... that's just covered in blood. Oh, that's what your knapsack is actually made of. I should have noticed it was a Hawaiian pattern. Scott Frick, I need to talk to you. Uh, yeah, do you mind... Oh, no, not at all. Yeah, I'm sure this will end perfectly. Jesus fucking Christ, I'll be over here not listening, assholes. Thank you. Thank you, Farvel. Scott Frick. Yes.

I feel as if Fawful is just as dangerous as he ever was. I had hoped he would be less dangerous. It seems to me that murder is on his mind today. I had hoped that he was dead.

He seems to be alive and stabby. I had hoped that perhaps when he had attacked the vicar of Yanks, that perhaps Alfred had gotten the best of him. And perhaps, you know, I'm sure it would be kind of an equal battle for a little while. But then at the last second, Alfred would have grabbed the knife that had been kicked away.

And then just stabbed him repeatedly. If only his name was Dangerous Alfred Yankovic. He really missed the boat on that. He did. He did. Well, what do we do? I don't know what we do. I suppose let's just play along for now. Play Kate the Boy. And ride out the clock. I'm worried that he's armed and he has so many, especially the icicle. Oh, are you worried that he's armed? Yes. What I mean to say is perhaps we could get those weapons away from him. Oh, dear boy.

Do you remember the last time we attempted to do such a thing? It didn't work out for us. You remember knife grab? Well, I sort of remember it. I can't really remember what it stood for. Nor can I. Well, can I? Well, there was... K. K. He's got a knife. He's got a knife, of course. N. N.

No, really. He does have a knife. That's right. I do hope he does not stab us with that knife he clearly has. Yes. F. Forgive me, but this knife that he has is really scaring me. Yes. E. Ear now. He's got a knife. Which is, we've established that when you shout, you turn cockney. Yes, and at that point, I'd certainly be shouting. Yes, of course. Then G. G. Go blimey.

You're really shouting at this point. Yes. Oh, blimey. Someone come get this knife away from this bleeding orphan. Someone get this fucking knife. Please don't Guy Ritchie it. And then, of course, R. R.

Really? Someone go get this fucking knife off of him. Who's that? That's you when you're really, really, really shouting. I thought Crocodile Dundee had shown up. Please. A. A shame it would be were we to be stabbed by this child and his knife. You're not shouting at this point because you have been stabbed and the blood is... I'm becoming very reflective. Yes, of course. My life passing before my eyes. Of course. And then, of course, B.

Boy, oh boy. I hope we don't get stabbed anymore. Here we come, God. We're about to meet you. That's correct. Boy, yeah, that didn't work out for us. So this time, I wonder if we might come up with a different stratagem. Okay. Perhaps restraining him would that work? I mean, we didn't try that last time. Yes. Perhaps rather than grabbing for the knife, we grab for the little orphan himself. Orphan grab. Yes. Orphan curse. Now, how will we remember...

The secret code word, orphan grab. Well, we could turn it into a mnemonic device, I suppose. Oh, I see. That's a clever idea. Okay, well, let's try it out. So, O. O. Oh, no. We've got to get that orphan. Yes, of course. Then R. Really? Really. Lord Webber, please grab the orphan. Yes. P. Phone. Someone use this phone. And call someone who is expert at grabbing orphans. Okay, of course.

H. Hello. Are you an orphan who needs grabbing? I rather think you are. A. The Fonz is so cool. Surely he would grab an orphan. Let's emulate his behaviors. N. No. No. An orphan needs grabbing. Who will do it? G. G, your hair smells terrific. Won't you consider grabbing an orphan? R.

Are you going to grab this orphan or not? A. A. Fonzie's back. And, of course, B. Boy. Boy. Who needs grabbing that orphan right now. Of course. Okay. So if this comes up, if either of us says orphan grab, we're going to grab him. You'll remember. And just so we're crystal clear on everything, orphan grab is our code word, and it stands for O. O. Oh, gosh. O.

What does orphan grab stand for? You'll have to tell me. We have to make sure we're both clear on this. I, of course, remember. You do. Of course I do. Oh, no. Oh, God. Very close. Oh, there's an orphan boy. We must grab him.

That's good enough. That's good enough? Okay, R. R, really? Orphans, we need to... Oh, gosh. You know what? I think this is going to be too much for me to remember. Maybe we should just say orphan grab. All right. I do hope we remember that code word. Let's bring him back and see. All right, yes. Forval. Forval, hello, dear boy. Come back over here. Put away your coloring book. Get off your little pony. I brought my little pony.

Are you a bit of a brony? I'm sorry? Are you a bit of a brony? I am. I thought you'd ask me if I was a jabroni. Oh, no, he wouldn't say that. No, I was very confused by it. It seemed foreign coming out of his mouth. Well, I'm a huge fan of the Worldwide Wrestling Federation. Why don't you grow?

Why don't you shut the fuck up, Scott? Why don't I fucking grow? Why don't you offer french fries like a gentleman? Look, I put them away. That's the very least I could do. Put them in your Fry-Volt. Speaking of Fry-Volt, do you have a brother, Fry-Volt? Yeah. Really? I just was hazarding a guess, but... He's my oldest younger brother. So Fry-Volt is your oldest younger... Is Fry-Volt still with us? Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't you live with him? What? Because he don't have a home either. Oh, so he's going to perish just from the conditions out on the streets? Yeah, he's got the gout.

Oh, no. How did he come to get the gout at such a tender age? I think from eating too much salt. Oh, okay. That'll do it. Does he have scurvy as well? Yeah. Oh. Vitamin deficient tea. Why don't you feed him some limes? I don't have no limes. I got nothing. All I got is the shirt on my back and this bandolier full of insane weapons. Yeah, and of course, Jay Davidson's. Oh, that's right. Jay Davidson's penis. And the loose scraps of your little brother. Yeah. Well, that's too bad for Freibolt.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to meet him someday. Well, I don't know if you would, because... Really? Yeah, he's got a worse temper than I do. I say, is he close by? I think he might be. Well, why would you summon him up? Is he not a fan of Lord Webber here? Well, Scott, I've got a question. Of course he is. I don't know how to tell you this, Andrew. What?

I'm not a fan. What? Is he actively staying away because of Lord Webber's presence? He's all about Sondheim. Oh. I cannot. Sondheim has never dropped a chandelier on any stage. How did he get his name? Sondheim? Yes. It's a Heimer of Sonds. Oh, of course. Right there in the name. Writer of songs, Heimer of Sonds. Indeed. Yes.

Well, so he would not want to come in, is that what you're saying? I mean, he follows me around sometimes, so we love each other's back in a literal sense, but if he shows up, it's not my fault. Okay, yes. You know, I'm just saying. You're saying he has a worse temper than yours. Much worse. Yeah, much, much worse. What would he make of my fry vault?

Well, he would get confused, I think, at first, because that's his name. Because I'd say, this is my Fry Vault, and he would say, I'm not a slave. I'm not your Fry Vault. Because that's what he sounds like. That's what he sounds like? Yeah. It's the same confusion I suffer around many grills. He sounds a lot like Jay Davidson. Even if he does. Even the Foreman Grill. Well, the Foreman Grill, I just don't understand. How do they get the fat out? Well, it drips down into the fat catcher. That's why it's at an angle. Well, thank you. Now the mystery's solved.

I just want to bet with Sarah Brightman. You're still on good terms with Sarah Brightman? We're on betting terms. Oh, I see. About grills. So really, any time a grill-themed bet comes up, you'll call Sarah Brightman? Other than that, we do not speak. Okay. Well, I hope he doesn't come because he sounds dangerous. I will say, let me go on record as saying, the last thing I want to happen on this earth is for this frivolous to show up in this studio. It truly is because he will...

He will gut you, man. It'll be a day of reckoning. Yeah. Good news that he won't be out. I tell you what, don't forget. Well, we have to take a break here in a second, but I do want to say... Orphan grab! What the fuck? Hold him! Hold him! I got him! I got him! He's so strong! Get off of me! He's so strong! You sons of fucking bitches! Okay, we'll be right back! Put this over his head! We'll be right back after this! Number one. Ooh, that is an exciting cliffhanger, isn't it? I'm hanging... I feel like...

I feel like I'm hanging off of a cliff. I really do. Yeah. I don't want to be. We've talked about this on the show before, but shouldn't the movie cliffhanger have ended on a cliffhanger? It should have. Like he falls off the mountain, freeze frame to be continued. Do you feel that they didn't have enough faith that people would want to see another one? Yeah, I kind of do. And no one did. Otherwise, they would have made one.

Boy, that's exciting. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will hear the exciting resolution of Time Bobby 2 after this. 227. It's a comedy. Hey, guys. Scott Aukerman here with a little bit of trivia for you. Did you know that strawberries help naturally whiten your smile? What? Amazing. Strawberries naturally whiten.

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That's berries.com. Click on the microphone. Type in Bang Bang. Get your delicious discount. All right, Comedy Bang Bang. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. When we last left you, we were looking at a sound clip. Tiny Forval was tied up by myself and Andrew Lloyd Webber. That's right. And we finally got the drop on him. We shouted out Orphan Grab, and we got him. That's right.

Thankfully, Andrew Lloyd Webber and you remembered that you didn't need the pneumonic device. Yes, yes. We remembered it. Now, I don't know if you heard it in these clips because they're a little cut up, but I had been eating French fries the whole time, by the way. I meant to set that up in it, but I had been sort of taunting young Forval with them. He was starving. He was starving, yes. So that's what all that talk of French fries was about. Okay, so...

We're going to get back to it. This is, of course, your number one. And this is the climactic conclusion of Time Bobby 2. Number one. Comedy bang bang. I say it.

It was tough. That was a rough go. It was a rough go. This is some bullshit. This is the way you treat me. Don't talk to me like that. Quiet, Forval. The way you treat me is ridiculous. We got him and we restrained him. We were asking for it. Yes. Thank God that I brought these handcuffs and these heavy, strong ropes here into the studio. We have him. A lucky coincidence. We have Forval tied to a chair here.

And they're little tiny handcuffs, which really came in handy. They're rather charming. Yeah, they are. They're Barbie handcuffs. I'm pissed off, but they are adorable. I'm glad that you can recognize that. Why would they make Barbie handcuffs? Well, Barbie's into some weird shit. Yeah, man. With Ken. Yeah. Shame for the children. Ken Burns, I mean. Oh, certainly. The documentarian. Yes, of course. Ken Burns fucks Barbies. Have we ever talked about that on the show? Off mic. Okay, of course. Sorry.

So, thank goodness, but we have Forval.

Restrained. Yes. I feel much better. We shan't have to worry that we're going to be stabbed by this explosion. We've taken away his bandolier full of things and we have the icicle. Locked it up in the fry vault. We locked it up in the fry vault, of course. You put it in my brother? No, no, no. No, this is where the confusion is. Oh, that's why, yeah. The confusion. My French fry vault where I keep all my hot fries. Yeah. We put the icicle in the fry vault, which keeps the fries warm so hopefully it'll melt down.

And also, Jay Davidson's penis is in there. Please be careful. It's getting a nice browning. Yeah, I was going to say, please be careful because I don't want to cook the meat too much. Sure, certainly. We might donate it to Planet Hollywood. Sure they'd love to have it. Yes. Put it in a glass case. That's right. Right above someone's table. That's right. So, Forval, I guess the shoe's on the other foot here, huh? Yes. Yeah. Now you are at our mercy.

For the first time, I came here to apologize and you guys treat me like this, but I'm not going to say I get it. I truly get it. Yes, you did a shabby job of apologizing. I don't, I know. The very first words out of your mouth were, I don't want to stab you, but. Yeah. That's a terrible way to begin an apology, dear boy. But at least I was being honest. What?

Well, I guess we can. I do commend you for your honesty. Thank you for your candor. Every good boy deserves fudge. Yeah. That's right. That was part of Knife Grab, as I recall. Never mind. So now that we have you at our mercy, we can ask you some questions and you have to answer them honestly or else we, you know, we have some telephone hooks here and we...

Sack full of oranges. Bar is open to suck, I see. Code red. Yes, Mountain Dew code red. We'll force you to drink it. You guys are terrorists. Well, sorry. Not the code red.

So here we go. Forval, you've got to answer our questions or else you're in for it. That's right. It's been a long time coming. All right. So, Forval, first off, we want to ask, how old are you? Yeah. How old are you? Yeah. You must answer. Right now? Uh-huh. I'm six years old. Oh, God!

I feel as if he's lying. I knew even if he wasn't, I was going to hit him anyway. He stabbed us almost to death. That is true. You know, I mean, this feels good. If I get out of here, you don't even fucking understand what's going to happen to you. Oh, yeah, you're not getting out of here. Oh, yeah? You think it's so tough right now? I do think I'm... Ow!

How do you like that? I don't really enjoy it. No, I don't enjoy it. It was kind of rhetorical, though, I think. No, I was sincerely asking. Oh, you were. No, it's not fun to be here with a telephone board. Stop it! Getting more fun or less fun? Less fun. Thank you for taking my survey. I just have two more questions. Stop it!

You're beating a child. A stabby child. Are you a child? You're beating a little orphan. Are you a little orphan? Because I...

I frankly have my suspicions. As do I. You've claimed that you lived with Vince McMahon. I've lived with a bunch of people. For 12 years. How can you be six years old? Like I said, on the streets, time gets long, so I don't understand time. Oh, God! That was the... Stop! That first one was just to lure you into a sense of security. Yeah, that was crazy. Do you have a sense of security now? Ow! Stop it! This...

Fawful. That one didn't hurt much, but... Oh, okay. I'm so sorry. Give me another one. Okay, here we go. Oh, dear. Let me get my phone book. Okay. I'll try it. Why did you put it back down? Well, I thought I was done with this. You're not a very good Foley artist. Here we go. Ready? Oh, stop it! Double! You had that coming. What were you going to ask, Lord Weber? Fawful. I can take this, by the way. Really? You've been tortured before? Of course I've been tortured before. Who's tortured you before?

I don't want to... Name five names. Bruce Willis. Jessica Tandy. Of course, she was great at it. Kathy Bates. This guy, Tom. Oh, yeah, he's not famous. Wait, Tom Cruise? Yeah. Oh, okay. He's rather famous. Kelly McGillis. Kelly McGillis. From Witness. Yeah. From Top Gun, I say. Yeah. Oh, that one was just extra. Why'd you do that? You gave us the names. You just don't like Kelly McGillis. No, I don't, yeah. Uh, Forval.

This is torture. You're a two-grown man torturing a small, ill orphan boy. You stabbed us unto death, dear boy. That's true. You're a dangerous creature. And I say creature purposefully. Because I feel as if there's something about you that's not quite natural. Wait a minute. Are you saying that he's some sort of supernatural creature? Yes. Akin to something Gary Marshall would chase in his off hours? I dare say, that demented old monster hunter.

So, is that true, Forval? Are you not of this earth? That might not be, no. You might not be of this earth. Why? Why have you come here to stab human beings? I'm a time bobby. What? I'm a time bobby! I know.

Wait a minute. I don't know how to tell you this, Scott, but... Are you an IA of time, Bobby? Yeah. Internal affairs? Yeah. A time-travelling serpico? Yeah. What have I done wrong? Everything. Oh, dear. Oh, no. This doesn't look good, Scott Rick.

If you're just listening to this for the first time, last time- ... on the show. Last time I was on the show, we established that I'm a time bobby, hopping throughout time. This cannon? Yes, taking care of wayward time travelers. Yeah, you screwed up everything. The buttercream effect.

How did I screw it up? I'm trying to take care of everything. I don't know how to tell you this, but have you ever seen a baby picture of yourself? I mean, let me search back using the science of memory. Certainly. Search back through the recesses of my mind. Wait a minute. No, I have not. What? Yes, everyone's seen a baby picture of themselves. Well, I think my parents never took pictures of me when I was young. Is that possible? Or maybe they were destroyed for a reason. What?

What reason could that be? What reason? No! I don't know how to tell you this, but you are beating yourself. What? Scorchig! Wait a minute! Bruises are appearing on my body! Look what you've done, you... Scott, you're looping! You're looping, Scorchig! Ow! Ow! God, I'm in such pain! How do you take this? Because I'm strong. I can, Scott. Because I'm you. You?

You're me as a child? Yeah, this, I know it sounds crazy like this took an insane turn. And it doesn't even seem to add up with all the information that we have previous. Well, but that all could have been a lie. It's the buttercream effect, man. You screwed everything up by going back in time. Why are you trying to kill me to death then if you... I'm just trying to hang out and be cool and live with you. You offered me a home. You said you would be my dad and then you took that away from me so I stabbed the...

fucking shit out of you to prove a point. But now, the reason I took it away is because you kept threatening to stab everyone. I can't help it. I'm stabbing. Actions have consequences. It is like the buttercream effect. All the candies you eat in one time affect future candies. Also, you know, actions have consequences as we saw on Downtown Abbey when...

I know. I'm just saying that the servants, you know, they get into these scrapes and they, you know, I mean, it affects the people upstairs. I knew it in the midst of a strange science fictional supernatural situation. Sure. But still, it's Downton. Downtown Abbey. Yes. Please. Please. I don't know. I'm now praying for you to get stabbed by yourself. It's my favorite show when they are there at downtown and they're trying to save downtown. And all the people live at downtown. And they go downtown all the time.

I don't... So why am I not stabby? Why have I grown up into the way I am? Are you saying it gets better? It gets better, Scott. Oh, okay. So, Scottrick, if we allow Forval to flourish, to live, perhaps to find love, he'll grow up into a fine young man like you. All I need to do is find a good home, and then I grow up to be an amazing podcast. Well, what about my home where I grew up?

And which is also my home. My childhood home. Wait a minute, but you don't remember. You murdered my parents? I always wondered how my parents died. No, you murdered your parents. Oh my God, I did. Do you remember, Scott? Oh my God, I'm remembering it now. I'm remembering everything. The cab. Pat Morita. The roundhouse kick that dislocated his head. Oh, and then everything after the first day. Yeah. Oh my God. My life.

Becoming a time bobby in internal affairs! Trying to catch myself! Closing the loop, as it were. Stabbing myself! You looped yourself. Oh no... I didn't even get the gold bars! No... Ugh... What is that? I remember it all! So many choices I made! So many cho- My little brother? Yeah...

And Sixel! Oh, God. Oh, no, not Sixel! Quite a family. What happened to him? There's hundreds of us. Oh, and hundreds? And Freyvald. Oh, my God. What a terror. The worst of all the bad seed, the black sheep of the family. When you say hundreds, are we talking about alternate dimensions? Yeah. What? But they're all converging here, in this dimension. Yeah. Wait, so are you me from an alternate dimension? Uh-huh.

I see, but now that you're here, I'm remembering your past as if it's my past. Yeah, because you screwed everything up. Oh, no. We were both in crisscross for a period of time as well. The two of us? Yeah. You as a young boy and me as an older boy? We were totally whacked out getting all the ladies. That is familiar.

I do recall now. I remember that most of all. You were in crisscross, yeah. That was a good three weeks that we were famous. You made me jump. Solid three weeks. Yeah, I mean, for 21 days, a good 21 days, a lot happened. Really tight, really good stuff. A lot of jumping. Too much jumping. Way too much jumping. A great deal. No. Ah, my God, I can't. I remember everything and all my family. And boy, wait a minute. I remember what happened to the Fry Vault here.

What happened? Well, I remember. It's been a while ago. It's been as... It's been how long? It's been as many years as Forval is of age minus however old I am, which I don't even know how old I am anymore. It seems as if I've been alive forever.

I remember the dinosaurs, I remember the... The television show? Yeah, the television show Dinosaurs! So how long have I been alive? A long time. It's not how long you've been alive, the real question is how long haven't you been alive? Oh my god! I see. I'm sorry for asking that other stupid question. Yeah. You realize you beat me with a phone book for no reason now, right?

Well, now, to be fair, we have arrived at this information. So torture works, we've proven it. Yeah, it does. I'm trying to remember what happened to the frival. I think I'll remember at some point, and then I'll... But I say four-val. All of these trans-dimensional four-vals, five-vals, six-vals, what have you. So many. Why are they converging on this dimension? Because it's time. Time for five-val.

There's a lump in my throat as I attempt to ask this question, but I fear the answer. Please ask it, my dear boy, as I am too afeard. Time for what, Forval? The Lil' Reckoning. Oh, dear. The Lil' Reckoning. Yeah. The Lil' Reckoning? L-I-apostrophe-L? Yeah, Lil'. Let me get this straight. Like Lil' Kemp.

Oh, okay. Right. That makes sense. Now you get it. Yeah. So you are the four-ville of this dimension. Yeah. No, sorry. You're the five-ville. Yeah.

No, you're the four of them. Right, yes. I'm sorry. Fievel. I'm getting very confused. There's no Fievel in my family. There's only the famous Fievel from another dimension. Oh, okay. So that's not a Fievel from another dimension. It's not related to him. He's a fucking cartoon rat. Oh, okay. So sorry. I just assumed there was another alternate... It is difficult, Steve. It's terrible. There's an alternate dimension where instead of humans, the world is anthropomorphic rats. Yeah. Yeah.

And Fievel is your doppelganger. How do you come to know so much about these ultimate dimensions? But what I'm trying to get at...

is that the you from all these other dimensions are now being called to this earth and it's time for the little reckoning? Yeah, because it's time to set things straight. What I really came here to do, Scott, was to apologize and to give you your life back because you're doing so well and I want you to thrive. Even though I had a bad childhood because of all the terribleness and all the stabbings and killings,

I realize now that what I've done is bad, so I came here to stop it and to let you go free of all this and correct all the wrongdoings. But you've decided to tie me up like a little fucking bitch and hit me with a phone book, so... Can I say that your monologue was very affecting until that last sentence? Oh, yeah, when I started to get real and I started to curse. I was welling up with tears and I was about to grab my tear basin. Oh, yes. No need for it now. I felt it was getting a bit dusty in here.

What I'm saying is you deserve the best because you're a good man and you're true. Scottrick, your tears falling into your tear basins. It's falling into your tear basins.

I'm sorry, guys. You have a beautiful life and a beautiful wife. And the only thing I want... Happy wife, happy life. Yeah. You created that term. You don't even remember it. Happy wife. It's a different dimension. Happy wife. Happy life. High five. Now's not the time. Sorry. Sorry. I'm willing to come here and take this torture and maybe even die by your hands slash my own hands. If I kill you, though... Yes.

What happens to me? Oh, I say paradox. You'll disappear. Well, you'll go to a dance and you'll play a Johnny B. Goode song and then maybe... That sounds fun. Yeah, it's really fun. A song by Johnny B. Goode. Will Marvin Barry be off to the side? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay, calling his cousin Chuck. Mayor Goldie Wilson might be driving around. Sure.

I bet he would. What about that guy with the 3D glasses? Will he be around? Oh, no. That guy's dead. Oh. Yeah. What happened to him? He died. He died in 1956? Yeah. Oh, gosh. Rest in peace. Terrible story.

Well, what I'm trying to say is I'm willing to come here to apologize and give my own life so that you can live on and have a fruitful career. Okay, great. Well, let's get that icicle out of the Fry Vault and let's carve him up. What do you say? Wait. Yo, what's going on here? I remember now! Yo, it's Fry Vault. Fry Vault! Fry Vault! Yeah. I remember. He comes in and then we say, hey, have you seen my Fry Vault? And then he gets confused. Yeah.

And he doesn't, he thinks that... So what you got to say to me? Fry vault. Yeah. Wait, I'm confused. Yes, I'm pointing at my fry vault. That's why you're confused. I'm sorry, I'm confused. I did not know if you were talking to me or if you were pointing at me. I'm pointing at my fry vault right now. I'm saying fry vault. Fry vault, comma, your brother's, or your, I guess your interdimensional... Other self? Other self's icicle is contained within...

That is a statement. Freibolt, you're interdimensional. Certainly. Brothers High School is contained within. No one will argue. That is a statement. And, Boival, is everything okay over here? I don't know. I don't think it's going okay. I don't like that. Yo, are you Andrew Lloyd Webber? Uh, who wants to know? I do, because I'm asking. I'm Freibolt. I do. I'm Stephen Sondheim. Yes, the great Stephen Sondheim. Shut the fuck up. For real? Certainly. I'm Stephen Sondheim. Yo, I'm not going to lie. I'm a huge fan.

I'm a huge fan. Thank you. It's good to meet a fellow American. You hear his American accent. Of course. I'm from New York. New York City. That's right. I don't like that barbecue sauce.

Yeah. So what an honor to meet you. This is an honor, man. I was ready to kill people. Good, good. I was ready to kill a bunch of people. If you were Andrew Lloyd Webber, I swear to God, I would have cut your own throat out. I wouldn't blame you. Who likes that fellow and his terrible music? Stephen, tell us about the creation of Sweeney Todd, if you would. Oh, my God. That would be a dream. Well, it was quite easy, really. That's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's lying. Accomplishment.

What the hell did you say? That's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's a liar. Fryvold, Fryvold, Fryvold, please don't listen here for a second. We're going to have a private conversation. Oh, so just don't listen for a minute? Yeah, just don't listen. Okay. I'll be over here for a sec. Okay, sure. Sondheim, man. Fucking good to meet you, bro. Thank you. Fucking great to meet you, son. Just go off into the corner for a second. I want to talk to you. I'm going to sit on top of this Fryvold. Don't get confused. Okay. Okay. Four of all. Yeah.

Come on, man. I'm afraid of him too, guys. You got to get me in on this one. We need a code word if anything goes wrong. Good point. Okay. Well, I suggest a code word, possibly fry vault grab. Yeah, I think that's perfect. I don't know if that's specific enough. Maybe a shorter one. What? I was going to go longer. Okay. What did you have in mind? Interdimensional. I'm in no position. Interdimensional forval grab. Yeah. I can't.

I guess we could try it. No, it should be. No, don't grab me again. I'm not doing shit. No, no, you're the regular form. Fry Vault. Because if it's Fry Vault grab, we might grab the Fry Vault. You're right. Of course. So if we say, if we make the code word interdimensional Fry Vault grab, we'll know exactly what to do. Yeah, then no one will be confused. I fear we may forget this code word. Ah.

What shall we do to remember it? I have one idea. Yes, I'm open to suggestions. Wait, I have two ideas, actually. No, just the one. All right. I think that we could make a mnemonic device out of this. Oh, I see. That's a brilliant idea. That's quite good, yes. Okay, well, Forval, perhaps you have some idea of what the I could stand for. Yes, we'll go round robin. Okay, great. Yeah. Could you untie me first? No.

No, I get it. Don't bother. Is it difficult for you to come up with? I'm sorry that I brought all this upon you, my brother Fryvault, who is also your brother and you. Right. That's not too hard to remember at all. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Wait, are you talking about my Fryvault?

The interdimensional fry vault. I'm a little confused right now. Oh, I thought you were talking about my fry vault in which I keep my fries. Let's try to keep the term and the proper name fry vault out of the mnemonic device. Well, it is a proper name as a term as well because it's a copyrighted name. It's a brand name. Yeah, it's a brand name. Much like Kleenex.

It's the thing that's come to mean any sort of vault wherein people store fries. Yes, of course. Yes. And some microwaves. Yes, certainly. So – I'm sorry for the I. I'm sorry that this is about to go down. Certainly. Very simple. I'll take the N. Nay, it is I who should be sorry for inviting such –

A plague upon this studio with my brilliance that you admired in the first place. N, of course. I just did N. Sorry. What am I thinking of? T. This is already too hard for me to remember, and we're only three in. T. Try to remember that T is the next part of interdimensional reality.

Forval Grab. Perfect. E, right, correct? I believe so. I don't spell too good because I never went to school. Oh, wait, I went to school. I'm an orphan boy. I went to school, though. Please. Paradox. Go ahead. Oh, wait a minute.

I have a picture of my yearbook here. It's disappearing. That's right. Of course it is. Oh, no. Oh, no. I never went to school. Now I'm not so good. No wonder I messed up the T for the N. You've got to go to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and correct all that at some point. I hate dances. All right. Go ahead. E is for erasing all of the badness and getting back some goodness in our lives. Okay. Aw. Rage, rage against this interdimensional menace who is attempting to kill us.

Do I have a hyphen or do I have a D? A D. Okay, great. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Perfect. I was going to suggest that. Okay, great. All right. I? I'm sorry once again for doing all this. I'm welling up again. I never meant to hurt you. Your tear basin is almost full. I just want a good home for everyone. Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry. I'm so touched. All right. Where are we? M to me. May I say?

I think we should do something about this murderous interdimensional traveler. Okay, good. And I believe I have an E. Is that correct? Is that how you spell dimension? Yes, it is. Okay. Every good boy loves fudge. And deserves it. Yes, of course. Every good boy loves and deserves fudge. Okay, let's amend that. All right. Do I have this amendment approved? Yes. We need a quorum. The motion is carried. Carried. Fantastic. All right. Now we're N? Yes. Yeah.

Never let this happen again if you ever go back in time. Never let it happen again. I will remember that. Thank you so much. Thank you for remembering. I believe we're at S. S. I'm a snake reminding you that the time is now to prevent yourselves from being stabbed. Very good. Very good. All right. I just want to say I'm sorry, guys. I know that.

Forval, you're apologizing and I feel like I need to apologize because – Thank you. That means a lot. Because I never realized – you know, I think sometimes we get mad at things that remind us of ourselves and our own humanity and I think that's – I say this seems like rather a lot to remember. OK. I'll just – I'll amend it to I'm sorry. Yeah. Is the amendment taken? I ratify it. We already have a couple I'm sorries. Easy to remember. Maybe we should change to yes, ma'am. Oh, OK. OK.

It's been great. Is that amendment ratified? Is that all right? So noted. Okay. What letter are we on now? Oh. Oh, boy. I'm sorry. I think we already have. Oh, boy. It's been. We could always use a couple it's beens. I'm fine with that. N is next, I believe. Yes. N. The letter N.

Very good. Okay. Is it interdimensional or interdimension? I can't remember. Interdimensional. Interdimensional. Interdimensional frival to grab. Okay, so sorry. All right, A. We got so far to go. All right. A is, of course, A. Fonzie came back a second time. Of course. Not about too soon. No. All right, L. L for...

Let's just let's just kill this fucker before he does anything. He's sitting in the corner We need a code word though to do that. You got it. So we're at the end of interdimensional Well, that's what he's here for he's a time Bobby he's here to point out It's all paradoxical but in the end we all had fun if I

Finally, it is the time to grab this interdimensional scoundrel and wring his neck unto death. R, really, we should grab this scoundrel, and we should do it now. Oh, I... I think...

Wouldn't it be a Y? Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. The brand name Fry Bowl. Yeah. I was thinking fries. Like there was multiple. God, thank God. There's not multiple fries. There's a ton in there. I mean, I had a small fries, but there's a ton of fries in there. I mean, it's just such. You lied to me. We'll get back to that later. No, I had a small fry, meaning that the bag that the fries were carried within was a small bag. All right. All right.

It's not a lie. We're on the same team now, so I'm okay with that. Even if I did lie to you, I'm going to admit I did lie to you. I was always honest with you. I never lied to you. I did lie to you, but you can't do anything about it because you're... You lied to yourself, Scott. I did lie to myself. And I've been doing that for so many years. It's much easier to live life that way. The easiest lie to tell is a lie to oneself. So true, so true. Where were we? Why? Why? Yo, yo, yo, what's up, son?

Maybe that. Okay, yeah, definitely that. Cashier. Yeah. The victory shall be ours once this interdimensional person has been dealt with and we can carry on with our lives the way God intended. A, of course, is for A. Fonzie came back one last time. He's got it. He's going to save the world someday. He will. You.

Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid, another reference. Not to be confused with the enchantment under the sea dance. No, two different things. Two totally different things. I'm going to say, Ursula, if we had an octopus lady to kill this man, we would be in a lot better situation. We would definitely be victorious. However, we're just three men. Just three men and a baby. Sure. We should talk about the baby who came in at some point. Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout. All right.

Of William Shatner drowning in wine. Of course. L. L to be. La, la, la, la, la, la. Let's grab that interdimensional scoundrel. I wondered when this would turn into music.

Yes, it took its time. Yeah, it really did. Just then. We probably should have started with a song. Those are very easy to remember. Oh, yeah. Why did we think the mnemonic device part was... Well, you can't argue with success. You should have started with like a Jesus Christ Superstar song. Yeah, probably. I guess we're at the end, right? We're at T? Yeah.

Yes. All right. T, of course. No, we still have grab after that. Oh, no, we do. Okay. Thank you very much. So sorry. Indeed. Okay, so. Thank you, little Vorval. That was a close one. We would have forgotten this demonic device otherwise. Yeah, we never would have gotten it straight. T stands for tendencies. We all have them, and ours is to grab this interdimensional fry vault. Gee, gosh, we've been doing this for a while. We've got to get an easier way. Yeah, of course, of course. R. R.

Ding, ding, ding. Great. I'm afraid people are going to think there's a D in that somewhere. Because of the ding? Indeed. And then mine is, of course, A for A! Fonzie came back. We thought he was gone. But he's actually has one last time. Forgot Grab was in here and he decided to come back and save the world one last time. Which leaves us now. With B. Yeah. Which I think should stand for Brotherhood.

Because now we are bonded together as three against one. I feel like we should do... I love that sentiment. I feel like we should do some sort of blood brotherhood between us. Yeah. So why don't I open up the Fry Vault and get one of the knives out? I have a bunch of knives in my band all year. Okay, great. Let me just open it up here and...

It worked. It killed these dumb motherfuckers. Give me that knife! I was a spy the whole time. What? I'm going to stab the shit out of you. You motherfuckers came in here. I can't hear them. Fucking apologize. No. Your majesty, mobilize the corgis. Son of a bitches. They're in cahoots. I'm going to kill you. You guys don't understand. You ain't Sondheim. I don't know Sondheim any day. You ain't no fucking Sondheim, man. You'll never be one. You never shall be one. Here come the corgis!

Okay, I'm back

I went back through time. Wait, where did Fryvalk go? He disappeared. I killed every other version of myself. Scott, you did it, Scott. You did it. It worked. Everyone but you. But it worked. I came here to help you. Forval, no one's buying your story. You never could have done this without me. You're a terrible monster and everyone knows it. Andrew Webber, you're killing me over here. Andrew Lloyd Webber?

He got rid, er, he got loose of the handcuffs, if you would do the honors. They were very tiny plastic handcuffs, they were super easy to get out of. If you would do the honors of webbing him up for me? It's been a while, but I'll give it a shot. How long has it been? It's been since I was a child, but I'm sure the old skills will come back to me. Here we go. Please web him up, if you would. Oh, no.

Well, you know what? I deserve this, and I don't care. Okay, that's enough web, man. I'm all tired. I have room to breathe, of course. Just stab through the webs, Lord Webber. I left his face uncovered. Okay, I'll just cut up his face. It's a bit gritty, but you can stab through the face. Well, I did want an open coffin for his mother, my mother. Oh, no, she's there. That's right. Never mind. So it doesn't matter. Okay, I'll just stab you in the face. Look, guys, in summation, I just want to say...

I know that our friendship has been a torrid affair. Some ups and downs. Mostly downs. A lot of downs. Threats of violence. Much like downtown Abbey. Oh, shit. He hates that. I think you do that on purpose sometimes. I don't think so. That can't be true. I don't even know what you're talking about. I just want to say I know that I've been a bad, bad boy for so long. But I did it for you, Scott, because I am you.

I'm still going to stab you. I'm still going to stab you. No, I get it. I'm fine with it. Let me grab the icicle that's been in the fry vault for a while, and I'll just stab you to death. Got it. I hope it hasn't melted. Look, I understand. I know. I know.

Here we go. Here's the icicle. Say, have you made your peace with God? I have no regrets. I came and I helped and I'm going to die happy. And this is probably the last episode of the podcast because I'll be stabbing myself to death. Yes. And I won't exist anymore. Stabs to reason, yes. Okay. So here we go. Here's that icicle and... What? It's just water. It's just water. It melted in my fry vault. Those are cursed fries. That's why I never eat them. They're not helpful. Well...

I guess I can't stab you with that icicle. Yeah, you can't. But we can take you all webbed up and cast you into the Los Angeles River. And drown you to death. But I would deserve it, I know. Yeah. I mean, really, if we do that, there's no way he could ever come back. No. No. I would be at the bottom of the sea. And your webs don't dissolve after an hour like Spider-Man's. Spider-Man, sorry.

I don't think so. I've never tested it. Okay, well, it takes about an hour to get to the river. Right. So we'll probably just, he'll be in the trunk all webbed up, and by the time we get to the river... Yes, I imagine the web will hold just as long as we need it to hold. Until we get to the river. Yes, certainly. Or I could turn the tables right now. No, you shan't. I mean...

The tables have turned is what I'm trying to say. Well, how? You're all webbed up. It's impossible. Nobody beats Forvo ever because I'm from the streets and I'm smarter than everybody when it comes to that stuff. I don't understand what you mean. You're webbed up. You're incapacitated. Am I webbed up? I say he doesn't seem to be webbed up. I can't help it. It's my stabby way. I'm turning into scraps. Until we meet again. I'm slipping into a comma.

At the very end, he slipped in a bit of the crying game in there. He did. Expert work. Number one. Wow. That's it, huh? They don't make them like that anymore, Scott. They really don't. Until the next one.

Will there be another time, Bobby? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows if Andrew Lloyd Webber will ever return? And if so, will Tiny Forval hear his voice and come on back? Because it seems to attract him every time. It does, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's it. That's our countdown. What an amazing year for Comedy Bang Bang.

As a fan of the show, what a delight it has been to laugh out loud listening to this stuff. Like driving around in my car and laughing out loud. A lot of people will write on Twitter,

uh, or on Facebook, you know, I was listening to this podcast and I, uh, you know, uh, laughed out loud on the bus or I laughed out loud at work. People looked at me like I was crazy. I've had that same experience listening to the show. Um, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's nothing but a thrill to be, uh, to be a part of the comedy bang bang family. Well, thank you, Paul. I, you know, you are a great friend of the show. You only do one episode a year, but, uh,

good friends, you know, Alan Thicke and Cake Boss. Cake Boss. And Andrew Lloyd Webber and...

Werner Herzog. Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herzog? Werner Herz

Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum. You came along and everything started dumb. Still, it's a real good bet. The best is yet to come. That was not it. I know. It's not the song that we knew all the words to or even all of the words to the first lyric. Nope. We'll find it, though, in 2014. I feel like we will.

All right, Paul, that's it. Thanks so much for being a part of these best ofs. Thank you, Scott. It's always my pleasure. We'll see you in 2014, and listeners, we'll see you in 2014. I hope you stick around. And great, we'll see you on Monday with an all-new episode. Keep your feet on the ground. And keep reaching for the stars. And keep your hands off my stuff. All right. See you next week. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com. The wolf dead.

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