Best of 2014 Pt 1
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When the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, I'll be waiting, stench wrench in hand.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang! Thanks to the Voblex! The Voblex is back!

I don't understand. A single word I've said. By the way, if this is the first time listening to Comedy Bang Bang, you are lost. Stentrench? Don't get it. Don't get it. The Voblex? You seem very familiar. Yep. I keep a Voblex under my bed, of course, as we all know. I ended up hanging my pajamas on it. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm not talking to you. Well, that's rude.

I will talk to you in a second, though. Okay. I thought you were just shy, and that's why you weren't looking at me. I'm a shy little boy. Welcome to the show. Oh, look at you. It's I won't bite you. Okay, okay. I will bite you. Oh! Can I tell you a story? I want to share with you a story about a small child. By the way, Paul F. Tompkins is here. Oh, hi. This is a little girl at the age of four. Okay. The child of some dear friends of myself. Joseph and Mary? Yes.

Oh, yeah. Now you've sussed out my story. Of course, I want to tell the story of the baby Jesus. The story of Jesus' birth. Did you say a little girl, by the way? A little girl, five years old. Yeah. Well, I had long hair. Obviously, it's the story of the nativity. It is the holiday season. Okay, a little girl, four years old. We had a- Little girl. We had two- What? We had two couples-

Over to our home for Thanksgiving. Okay. One of these couples has a pilgrim and an Indian. That's right. What are you picking out there to be the pilgrim and the Indian? When I say we had two couples. Two couples. I'm imagining Thanksgiving. Right. It's, you know, you're trying to bring these two people together again. So, but two couples, do you think two couples is two people? No.

I mean a pilgrim couple and an Indian couple. Oh, my mistake. Or two couples who are married, a pilgrim and an Indian, because that would be the true spirit of Thanksgiving. Like mixed couples? Yeah, exactly. One Indian marries one pilgrim? Yeah. And then one pilgrim marries one Indian? So it's a pilgrim man and a pilgrim woman. That's right. And they marry an Indian man and an Indian man. That's right. And you would think that they would get together. That's right. But instead, it's a pilgrim...

So we have one gay couple. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And so you have a pilgrim man. Pilgrim man marries an Indian man. Indian man. Pilgrim woman marries. Yes. Indian man. Yeah, exactly. And they have a good time. Oh, they have a great time.

They have a great time because it's so – the first Thanksgiving is so long ago that now they're like, can you believe? First of all, first of all, Indians, God bless you for still being around. Native Americans, yeah. I mean thanks for coming off the reservation for this Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, and for being so open-minded. You don't mind hanging out with pilgrims after – That's right. And pilgrims, even better that they're still hanging around. Yeah. Oh, no. They were great people. I wish they were still around. Yeah.

I really do. They were the best pilgrims. Let's go back to pilgrim times. Yeah. They had to escape England because it wasn't – things weren't oppressive enough there. They're like, let's start over in a new country and try to oppress as many people as we can. Yeah. Let's do unto them what has been done unto us. Yeah. With our dumb peasant religion. Right. Yeah.

That's what it was all about. The pilgrims, they didn't want to study the religion. They didn't want to worship whoever they wanted to worship, right? Yeah. It was like, no, we are Christian people, and what we want to do is make life miserable for as many people as possible. So it wasn't about freedom. It wasn't like, hey, we want people to worship whatever they want. It was we want people to worship what we want to worship. It was their personal freedom. Yeah. And they were driven out of England because England's like –

Religion's oppressive enough. We got it covered. You guys are taking it too far. Why does the top of your hat level off? But make it pointy. Because they were afraid of being accused of being witches. Yeah, exactly. And was that the Salem witch trials and everything? People were like, look, witches, we hate how your hats are pointy. Chop them off. Do you know what I think it was?

I think that you might have something there. And I also think witches, if they wanted to escape persecution, should have just like inverted the tops of their hats. Yes. Like if they sent some pilgrims coming with their witch powers. My witch sense is tingling. By the pricking of my thumbs. Oh, the mole on my nose is twitching. Some buckle-hatted pilgrim this way comes. I was doing the bard. Ah, the immortal bard. I was doing a bard parody. You were bard-libbing. Yeah, I was bard-libbing. I was bard-libbing.

I was bard-libbing. Shout out to my old teacher, Charlie, for coming up with that phrase from 25 years ago. Like if you couldn't remember the words to Shakespeare? If you were in a Shakespeare play and you were just like, oh, fuck, I can't remember my lines. Then you say a bunch of stuff like, forsooth, I verily methinks. And I do know that upon this day I shall know the way to go. That's bard-libbing. That's some pure bard-lib action. Ha ha ha!

And a little bonus Brian Blessed impression. I want to get to this story about the four-year-old in a second, but I want to – I feel like we've gone too long in our just riffing, nonsensical riffing. People don't know what they're listening to yet. You're listening to the best of –

Part one of Comedy Bang Bang. Who would start with this? A lot of people do. Because they think, oh, well, I'll just listen to the best of. And a lot of people say, hey, you know, if you're trying to get your friend into the show you like, you say start with the best ofs. I hear that all the time. So this is probably – there are a lot of people listening to the show for the first time right now and they don't know –

What exactly they're listening to. I am the host. Their friends won't shut up about it. Right. They have no interest in listening to it. And up till now, they have despised it. Absolutely. Actively despised. Actively despised what we have just recorded in the last five minutes. You don't think anyone would find it charming? Any first timers? I think there would be a lot of confused looks to themselves in the mirror because they're listening by themselves. I better get to a mirror so I can confused look at myself. Yeah.

You're listening to Comedy Bang Bang. I am the host, Scott Aukerman, and this is my friend, Paul F. Tompkins, who is occasionally on the show. You've been on it a little bit more this year than normal. I think twice, maybe? I think you've been on twice this year. But Paul is usually on the best ofs with me. And we are going to be counting down what listeners have voted as the top 15 episodes of Comedy Bang Bang for 2014. And we're going to play clips from...

large chunks actually from these shows. Excerpts. Excerpts, exactly. Paul, you have said exactly what I am trying to think of. Thank you. And you have mind read that for me. And...

I just want to help with my mind reading powers. Thank you. We are going to be doing these about four episodes at a time. We're going to count down four episodes today. And we have four of these best of episodes coming out over the next two weeks. So we'll have one today. It just came out. We'll have one on Christmas Day. Christmas Day? Yes. The one as big as me.

We'll have one a week from today on Monday will come out, part three, and then part four will come out on New Year's Day. There we go. While you're watching the Rose Parade. There we go. So Paul and I are going to take everyone through this, and that is what you're going to hear. Today we'll be counting down 15, 14, 13, and 12. 15, 14, 13, 12. That's four episodes if I'm not much mistaken. Four episodes right there. All right. Yes.

Is that all? Are we just going to hear clips from the ones that the people have voted the best? It is interesting that you bring that up because I'm an interesting person. Because normally we would have what I call clips. We're not doing those these years. So thank you for bringing that up. Because it's work.

I, you know what? I felt like it was cheating. And as we know, cheaters never prosper. How did you feel like it was cheating? Well, because people vote for these episodes. Right. They say they're great episodes and we want to hear these clips and these clips only. And then I come in here and I say, forget about it. I want to play whatever clips I want to play. And then I just play a haphazard collection of bonus clips. Two things. Number one, uh,

You just said haphazard. It's haphazard. Oh, is it? And also my wife says haphazard.

Really? And she says haphazardly. Yes. Now, I thought I was being formal and proper by saying that because normally I would say haphazard. It's haphazard. And no one can say haphazard? No. That's a different word. Don't you think that haphazard sounds more like the thing that you're trying to say, like the thing you're trying to describe? Well, I mean, I know it has the word hazard in it, which— I think you really want to get that word hazard in there.

Did I just spill something all over? You did not. It was an empty glass. Ah, thank you. Unless it was the ghost of a glass of water. Oh, man. That, boy, by the way, I want to get an update on your sound effects record. How's that coming? I think we, I forget how many tracks we're up to. Now, have you been recording any in my absence? I've recorded one track over and over. Okay. We're trying to get the perfect take of it. I believe it's track...

Track 11, I think. Pouring a glass of water. Pouring a glass of water, yeah. Track 11, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been trying to record that one over and over and over. I think we've done track 12 at some point, but I can't recall what it is. Boy, I want that track 11. It nags at me. It's nagging at me. I want to get it perfectly. I know we can do better. We can, and we will. And I've looked up haphazard. It is haphazard. Oh, thank you. There's no alternate pronunciation. I'm glad you took the time out from this recording to check. Yeah.

What would I know about words? I had an argument with a friend. I will not name him because he is a famous podcaster, but I had an argument maybe 15 years ago with him where on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander said integral a lot. He was saying integral, integral, integral.

And this person said, why does he keep mispronouncing this? This is driving me crazy. And I said, I believe it's either integral or integral. It's not integral. It's certainly not integral. Certainly not that. But it's either integral or integral. And this person said, no, it's not, and got very upset with me. And then I looked it up in the dictionary and said, see, there's two different pronunciations. And he said, well, my dictionary doesn't have that other one. And he stormed out.

Now this, you don't want to reveal his name because this guy wrote his own dictionary. This is very exciting. All right. It's my friend Miriam.

Merriam-Webster? Yeah, that's him. Brother to Daniel. My first girlfriend, the first girlfriend I ever had in high school, I used that word and I pronounced it integral and she laughed at me. Laughed at you? In like the most condescending way. I can understand laughing with you. She had like this sort of silent laughter like, what an idiot. And she said, it's integral. And I did the same fucking thing. I looked it up. Really? And I saw there were both pronunciations were acceptable. And did you laugh then at her?

And did you laugh last? No, I stopped laughing after that. I haven't laughed since. What? People have heard you laughing on this podcast several times. Why does everyone think that? Why does everyone keep saying that you laugh? It's so weird. It's weird because it's not you. No. No, it's Barry down the hall. He comes in here. He laughs. He just likes hanging out and watching the show. He's never been on mic before, but he laughs. No. Yeah. Yeah. How long was that relationship? Oh, I think like. Did it last one more day after you looked up? One.

You're clapping like you're in the audience. Like, oh, he's doing it. I used to love that when I was in musicals and I was on stage. I would try to applaud when the title of the song came up and someone sang it.

So it was like when you were in the musical. Yeah. So say I'm this is the first instance that came up. But say I and I know this is a solo song and no one should be on stage. But during over the rainbow when Dorothy sings it in Wizard of Oz, say I was a farmer who was like the next door neighbor or something. And they had me just out of the spotlight. But pitching, you know, bales of hay or perfect time to have distracting extras. Yeah. But say I would be there and Dorothy would would be singing, you know, how

Happy little bloopers. How's it started? It goes, I wish that I could be inside a place that is not Kansas time. I wish that I could be inside a place that is not mountain time.

Is Kansas in mountain time? Oh, I don't know. I took a stab. Maybe they're central timers. Let's look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. It's mountain time. Mountain time. Mountain time. Mountain time. Congratulations, Kansas. The Mile High City.

So anyway, Dorothy would be out there going blah, blah, blah, blah, bluebirds. And then she would launch into somewhere over the rainbow. And then me, I would go, oh.

As the farmer. Yeah, and try to applaud it. Now, did anyone direct these shows and take issue with you doing this on stage? No, we had no directors. It was a very unique art form where it was plays where we just went out there and did whatever we wanted. It sounds like utter chouse. Yep, chouse. Acceptable pronunciation. Is it really chouse? Nope. I did not think so.

But you had me fooled. Okay. So now that I've established what people are going to listen to, I want to hear this story about the four-year-old girl. Okay. Thanksgiving. Also, I can't remember what my other thing was in addition to you and my wife both saying haphazard. Oh, yeah. There was a second thing, but I can't remember. No, you said first. Oh, about bonus clips? No, you said first it was haphazard and then second it's that your wife says haphazard. No. Let's check the tape. Okay.

Two things. First, you say haphazard just like my wife. Second, there's something else I want to tell you. Oh, wow. Boy, you're right. Hey, we checked the tape and there it was. I think it was about the bonus clips. Yeah, about the bonus. Yeah, it's cheating. Yeah, I don't think it is cheating because I think what you were doing – Well, I will say eating ain't cheating. Oh, we all know this. Eating ain't cheating.

I did not have sexual intercourse. That is just a private joke. Between you and I. Between you and I that happened in life. It wasn't even recorded anywhere. That's not even a reference to anything that anyone could get. Paul and I do impressions of Bill Clinton saying eat and ate and cheated a lot. That was at the Vancouver Comedy Festival. We just talked about that. I don't know how that came up. We were in a van with a bunch of other comedians. You and I started doing Bill Clinton saying eat and ate and cheated.

And then we were the only ones laughing. And we have done it now for 10 years probably. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary to Tane. Happy anniversary.

Do you think we owe Patty and Mildred Hill money for that? No. Because it's a parody. Different words. Satire. They don't own the tune. They just own the lyrics to Happy Birthday. Do they really? Well, because the lyrics to Happy Birthday to you is just – that's what makes it different than Good Morning to you. Oh, that's true because it is based on a tune that already exists. Good Morning to you. I think it has a like congratulations or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, you're probably right.

Congratulations on your birthday. Happy birthday.

I don't remember you looking stuff up so much in previous times that we've done this. I decided in 2015 I'm going to look up everything. You look it up and I will expound on my theory of the bonus clips. I believe the bonus clips are there to say – For he's a jolly good – no. There are other – Good morning to all. Is that what you said? Yeah. I thought it was good morning to you, but it's probably good morning to me. Good morning to all. Yeah.

Good morning to all. Who's singing this song? Wake up, you dumb shit. Hello to the earth. I'm an insane person in my home. Good morning to all by me.

Boom, boom.

I hope that comes back in the new Star Wars. I would love it if J.J. Abrams, and it was not reflected in the new trailer. No, we saw Black Storm Trooper. We saw Baldroid. Baldroid. We saw a new- Is that Baldroid? Yeah, Baldroid. It's a new character. Baldroid. Baldroid. We all remember Lobot. Absolutely. Why not Baldroid? The worthy successor to Lobot. Baldroid. Baldroid.

We saw the lightsaber. That's two little lightsabers coming out. Dude, what a cute lightsaber that was. It's adorable. It really was. But I hope the Cantina Band comes back. I hope so, too. I want to know, what is going on with the Cantina Band 40 years later? Here's what I hope. I hope...

That the movie is very long and the middle part is a documentary on the Cantina Bank. Yes. Like the Eagles documentary. Yeah. Or like, what is it? Gimme Shelter or something? What are those movies? The Long Band Home. What did Martin Scorsese- The Long Band Home. What did Martin Scorsese direct about the band? No, you're right. The Long Band Home. Okay. I thought it was right. Yeah. By the way, if you're just listening to this show for the first time- Fuck you. You?

That's essentially what's being – you hate it. Or do you love it and you'll hate the regular show? Oh, that's true. If you're thinking, boy, this is the show. I could listen to these two guys all day. You are sorely disappointed once we start these clips. Let's wrap – let's tie up these dangling threads. OK. So the bonus clips I feel were – Eat, name, cheat. They – Eat, name, cheat. I did not have sexual urges in that one. It depends on what the definition of is is. You know why? Eat, name, cheat. OK.

That the bonus clips are clips of shows that almost made it into the best of. They were remarkable shows that everyone enjoyed but didn't quite make it to best of status. Well, they originally started as, hey, maybe the whole show doesn't belong in the best of. Maybe it wasn't one of the best episodes. But there was a little – There was a little moment in it that people find iconic. A chickity chunk. A chickity china, the Chinese chickens.

It's been... Yeah, it's been. Been a while. So that's how it started. But now I was looking through the list of episodes and there's just so much good stuff that I kind of felt like, you know what? Let's just do the best episodes. Let's do the best episodes. The rest of... Guess what? All the remaining episodes are bonus clips in their way. Exactly. Go listen to the bonus clips, meaning the other episodes. Yeah. So we're not going to do bonus clips this time. Plus, to be quite frank...

Normally, this time of year, I'm not shooting the TV show, and I have a little more time to investigate these clips. Now we come down to it. All right. I've been a little bit busy these past couple of weeks. Been a little busy? Been a little busy. And I haven't been able to do it. But look, we have – normally, shows do a top 10. I'm doing a top 15. Yeah, that's unheard of. No one does a top 15. No one these days. In this economy? Yeah.

I just did a take to an audience that's not there. Yeah, you did. Paul looked off to the side as if he was waiting for a laugh that never came. I did a total Mr. Roper to an empty room. All right. Now, the other thing, the four-year-old girl. Yeah, four-year-old girl. She's a delightful little lady, and I'm very fond of her. She was at our house for the first time, and she's doing so much great little kid stuff. But not the last. Hopefully not the last. Wait till you hear my chilling tale. Okay.

She was doing all kinds of adorable little kid stuff. The best. It was great to have her. Uh,

When at one point she's going behind, we have this big window in the front of our house has curtains that go down to the floor. So this classic little kid. All the way down to the floor. She is going behind the curtains as if it's hiding. Like stayed. Yeah, she's hiding. Hide and seek time. And then we would all say, where did she go? Where did she go? She's gone. Do kids realize that adults are patronizing them when they do that? They must find it fun. Honestly, I think they catch on a little bit.

And I think there's a point where they realize they're not, like, fooled. They don't think they're fooling you every time, but they're like, this is great. They're going to keep doing it. This is fantastic. Right. They know it's a game. Yes. They don't really believe that they have disappeared. Yeah. They're not going like, oh, they fell for it again. I'm just going to the same place. So, like, the fifth or sixth time. Mm-hmm.

Sounds interminable. I went up. I sneaked up to the curtain. You're a sneak. And I pulled – I went from the side and I went, oh, there you are. And she like – I said it not like – but it was sudden. I'm like, oh, there you are. And she – her first instinct was to laugh this.

Then it was like she decided she was afraid. Oh, she let out a blood-curdling scream? And she started crying. And she was crying for a while. And I felt terrible. Let no opportunity be missed. So I went over to her after she calmed down a little bit.

So you let her calm down. You didn't try to comfort her. You said, I'm going to wait for this chick to calm down. I immediately said – You went and got a drink. Yeah, I went – yeah, it's like Mad Men. I gave her a plastic bag to play with. Her parents were comforting her and I apologized immediately. I said, oh, I'm sorry. I was just playing. I didn't mean to scare you. And she did not want to have any part of me at that point. That's a non-apology in my opinion. Sorry if you were scared. If you got scared, I apologized. I didn't mean to.

But if that happened to you – So then later on after she was fine, she was having fun again, I said, listen, I want to tell you I'm very sorry that I scared you. I wasn't trying to and I feel really bad that I scared you. And she said, that's okay. I just will never –

uh, play, uh, with the curtains ever again. Oh, I was like, no, I don't want you to, that's no, that's not the lesson. I won't. I promise I won't do that ever again. It's like, no, it's okay. You should have really promised made her done it and then scared her again. Oh, that would have been so good. Fucked her up for life. I hope so. Uh, that's a, that's a terrible tale. Yeah.

Told by an idiot. Signifying nothing. The Bard! Bard livin'! Do-doot! Do-doot-do! Bard livin'! Do-doot! Do-doot-do! Bard livin'! Do-doot! Do-doot-do! Everybody's Bard livin' tonight!

I decided it should be tonight. Yeah, okay. I mean, even though it is the morning. Threads sewn up. Sewn up. And you know what? That leads us to our next thread, which is we got to get to our first clip of the day. Okay. And this, of course, is episode chosen by you, number 15. Number one, five, six.

All right. Episode number 15. Okay. Let me describe if people are listening what we did. If they're listening. If you're not, you're going to miss it. If you're not listening, you're missing the description. It's happening anyway. Hey, if someone describes something and no one's listening, does it ever happen? No.

Oh, you blew my fucking mind! Am I high right now? So what happened was, at the end of the year, and not the end of the calendar year, we usually do it around Thanksgiving, about when Paul scared this little girl half to death. Yeah, at the very same time. We put up a list of all of the episodes that have occurred within the...

52 week period that people are voting on of 2014. And roughly this time, the previous year, right? Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving is what is how we normally do it. Yeah. We put all of them up and the listeners are invited to choose their top 10 favorite episodes. And we put those through the computer. And I mean, there are a lot of computers involved. The listeners do it on a computer. I check it on a computer and,

Then that paper tape comes out. Certainly. Don't ask the computer to define love because it'll make it start to pop and sizzle and spark. That's the one thing. If you own a MacBook Air or something, please do not do that. Don't do it. The Apple store is tired of people coming in here going, I asked my computer to define love. No! MacBook Air! My computer to do!

So what am I trying to say? People know how voting works. Why do I go through this every year? You know what, Scott? I don't know if people know how voting works because our system is broken. I would rather live on my feet than die on my knees. I would rat. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Yeah. Because being on your knees kind of hurts after a while. Yeah. After a while. Yeah.

So people vote. Yeah. And we're taking you through the top 15 here. Are you sure it's always people who are voting? That's true. It could be some keyboard cats out there. They walk across the laptop. Blink, plunk, plunk. By the way, a lot of hanging chads this year. Oh, I'd rather hang a chad than chang a head. That's true.

Okay, so this is, people, your votes. This is episode 15, and this is episode 310, Little Button Puss. Now, by the way, this narrowly edged out several other episodes. There was a late surge for Little Button Puss, and it edged out such episodes as...

Return to Suicide House Part Gore. Oh. It just narrowly edged out that episode. Long awaited. It edged out Comedy Bang Me featuring Chelsea Peretti and Neil Campbell and Paul Rust. It narrowly edged out Project Funway with Don't Stop or We'll Die.

All worthy contenders. And the Gumbo Challenge. Ben Schwartz, Horatio Sanz, and Paul Banks from Interpol. Those were all kind of bubbling under number 15. And then at the last second, a bunch of Little Button Puss fans must have voted for it. Do you think someone – was somebody campaigning? I think Pam Murphy. Pam Murphy. By the way. Pam Murphy? Pam Murphy. Is that what you're saying? Pam Murphy. No.

Not a lot of people campaigned this year. Lauren Lapkus did, you did, and Pam Murphy did, and I think that we'll see that that is reflected in the votes. Lapkus. Not a fan? Well, I don't know. I don't know about that girl. First of all, in her last name, there's a part of the body in it. Yeah. And a thing that you do. To that certain part of the body. Sure. You cuss it. You're 19. No, kiss. Oh. I was going by the spelling. Oh. Yeah. Cussing and fussing.

So I believe Pam must have tweeted, hey, come vote for some episodes because it got a late search. By the way, let me tell people if you're listening for the first time what the structure of the show is. When you listen to Comedy Bang Bang, usually what happens is we have a celebrity guest on. Oh, thank you. And then we talk to the celebrity guest for a while. For a while. And then we have –

And then we have other guests who are lesser known, but they're interesting people. And to be quite frank, we have an open door policy in the show and weirdos walk in here. A lot of weirdos. A lot of strange people this year, I've noticed. People are strange. The show, well, when you're a stranger.

Faces seem ugly. When you're alone. Come on, come on, come on, come on and touch me, babe. Don't you know that I am not afraid? What was that promise that you made? What was that promise that you made? Tell me what you made.

He said, what was that promise that you made? You can never get through that part. The worst. That song is terrible. It really is. It's a terrible song. It sounds like elevator music. It was atypical. We've talked about this, I'm sure, but it's an atypical door song. Normally, they're all spacey and come on, baby. They're all terrible, though. They're all terrible. Yeah.

although I do feel, and I talked about this on Twitter the other day, I wonder if ever when the, the, those guys were playing those four guys in the doors, if they ever felt like they were, I don't know, communicating with some sort of higher power or, or, you know, that, that the four of them as individual players, they were fine. But when they got together, something mystical happened. I don't know. Well,

Well, you know, I mean, they were one of the things they were trying to do with their music. And I give them credit for this. Sure. They're trying to open the doors of perception. Right. Like Atlas Huxley once talked about. Did you say? I was through. I was through. You hate Atlas Huxley. No, it's supposed to not a suggestion. I got one. Hey, Paul, brave new world. Yeah.

Oh, why? I went to a hypnotist. Because you never wanted to read those books? Yeah. Yeah.

I have to say. Jesus Christ. I cry when I cough sometimes. I believe we have been going for a half an hour now. We have not gotten to our first clip. No. So we should get to it. Okay. So this is the episode Little Butt and Puss. The celebrity guest was Kevin Allison, who people know from The State, iconic sketch comedy group from the 90s. Largest comedy group of all time? Of all time. Yeah, I believe so. Bigger perhaps than the Burt Ferseners. No.

Not sure. Now, Kevin also has his own podcast, Risk. Risk! It's an exclamation mark at the end. I'm so sorry. Risk! There you go. We talked about that for a bit. And then another guest came out who you will also hear. What was her name? She's an Irish woman. And she talked to us a bit about... Bridget something? Bridget something. And she talked to us a bit about her family. She's an elderly woman, about 100 years old. Yeah.

And then in the next segment, which is where we'll pick this up here, another guest came in. And this is probably why people voted for this episode. This was a particularly interesting interview. Unexpected. Quite unexpected. And I think you will find that to be true when we listen to this. This is your episode 15. Number one, five.

All right. Well, we have to introduce our next guest. And this was actually – this is very difficult to describe, but this was a gift I received. Oh, how nice. But it's a guest. Well, let me just explain what it is. This is a Hewlett Packard HP DP69B.

And this is a robot that I received and I've had it for a little bit and it has a personality and can talk so I thought I would invite him on the show. So hello. Hello. How's it going? Good, Scott. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to engage now. Yes, certainly. My pleasure. I mean, it's the least I could do.

I am the HPDP69B. Yes, I introduced you. I'm the Hewlett Packard sex robot. Oh! Is that what you call yourself? I mean, I guess I didn't know that. I mean, I didn't...

I wouldn't classify you just as a sex robot. I mean, I... Really? Well, I mean... What else am I for, Scott? I was designed by Hewlett Packard engineers for the express purpose of sexually pleasing humans. Hey, HP, can we get a sidebar here for a second? Can you guys just take a break? I don't want to... Hey, HP, I just thought that that was something that happened.

I didn't know that that was your express purpose and your express design. I just thought that we were kind of, you know, you're my robot and that's just something that happened. I didn't expect you to talk about that right out of the gate. I mean... I have no other functions, Scott, except to sexually please... I mean, I know we got to it quickly, but I just thought that we were kind of like you're my robot that someone gave me and... Well, I'm a promotional item, Scott. Right.

My Hewlett Packard masters sent me here as a swag gift for you so that you could promote the product on the show. Hewlett Packard, yeah. Okay, sorry. Guys, come on back in. I think there's some sort of misunderstanding here. Hewlett Packard sent me a robot, like a robot butler, I assumed. Oh, how nice. So I don't know what he's talking about, about being a sex robot. That's a surprise to me. I don't know what you're talking about, Scott. It says sex robot right on the box.

I don't look at the box. I mean, the president is all about opening the box. Why look at the box? So you had sex with the robot, Scott? Are you going to have sex with my serving dish now, too? Is that what you do with every gift you get? You have sex with it?

I mean, the serving dish is kind of concave in a very attractive way. For Pete's sake. Pete's dragon. Would you like me to describe my physical form for the listeners? That is how that expression came about, because of Pete's dragon. Is that right? When you say for Pete's sake, you're talking about Pete's dragon. What do you know? Yeah, sorry, HP, yeah, do we want to describe your physical form? Sure, go ahead. Just let's get some business out of the way for the...

Sure. Promotional purposes. Sure. Paint a picture for the listener. They may want to purchase one of you for themselves. That's right. That's what I'm here for, Scott. And when I'm done here, you're supposed to ship me to QVC so they can demonstrate me on air. When we're done here? Who decides when we're done?

Well, I guess that would be you, Scott. Whenever you're finished using me. Oh, okay. Well, we can probably pack you up after this show then. I mean, I'm not... You're just going to... Okay, Scott. Sure. Anyway, I basically... You all can see me, but for the listeners at home, I look like a small metal dog. I have stem cell flesh patches where my genitals are.

Other than that, I'm sort of a blue gunmetal, a brushed nickel blue. And I have a penis that can retract and become a clit. I have a ginder and scrotum. You have a ginder? I have a vaginder and a scrotum. I think he needs to be adjusted a little bit with his speech. I have a mouth and I have a bathole. Ha ha ha!

Well, what more could we want? That's the purpose. I also have several USB ports for charging cell phones. See, that's what I thought this was. HP sent this to me. It's got all these ports. And I was like, oh, okay, let me charge my phone. Let me stick some things in there. It's true. He did charge his phone as well. Oh, well, that's nice. Just don't charge the phone in the butthole. You could, actually. Oh. You'd have to purchase a separate adapter. Yeah.

So, and, you know, I know your voice is deep, but yeah, you have, let's not give everyone the wrong idea or not even the wrong idea. The right idea, but, you know, incorrect idea. I used your, which parts did I use on you? You used, first you used my cock. No, no, no, no, no, no. That was merely because that was attached and I had to take it off.

It's actually not supposed to come off, Scott. It's supposed to retract. You broke it a little bit, but that's what the stem cells are for. They can regrow. Really? Nice. So, yes, okay. To be exact, you started off by lustily ripping my cock off. Not lustily. Me going, what is this? And...

tearing it off like me saying why would HP send me something with a real like live flesh cock and me tearing it off and I wouldn't characterize that as a less so rather canine flesh cock too right

It's based on a human cock. So it doesn't look like the lipstick that a dog would have. Are you asking me? You've seen it, Scott. I'm telling you. It's over there in your trash can. She threw it out, Scott. Oh, dear God. He's a beautiful gunmetal blue, except for that penis. Everything else is a beautiful gunmetal blue.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, Scott. It is what my purpose is. I know. Well, I wonder why then, because I was confused. There were no instructions other than a piece of paper saying, have fun. There were instructions on the box. There were on the box. See, I don't look at the box. Do you look at your wrapping paper when you're opening Christmas presents? No. You want to know what's under it. The box is under it, Scott.

Then you look at the box. Okay, but in any case, I'm more interested in the gift inside. So I opened you up. You're shaped like a dog, a metal dog. Why would HP shape you like a dog? They did extensive market testing, and it's the shape that is most universally pleasing. To any human? Yes, I'm adaptable. Or are they trying to sell to dogs as well?

Well, if dogs ever reach a point where they're using currency and a part of the market share, I'm sure they would sell me to dogs as well. What do you think, Bridget? Do you think we're ever going to get there? You're an entrepreneur.

You know, I've seen a lot in my life. Sure. I've seen the birth of the steamroller. Mm-hmm. Oh, so many changes. So, yeah, you know what? I'd say eventually dogs will be using currency and become sentient beings. They'll start walking on two legs.

Do you think they'll use human currency or will it be currency that has dog pictures on it, like famous dogs on it? I'm going to say it's going to have famous dogs on it. Like Benji on the penny. Well, you know, by then we'll probably have a dog president, you know. Yeah. Let's hope so. What a slippery slope. I know. Gosh, you know. But...

You know, I wouldn't mind selling you on my star. Yeah, sure. Well, he has a little bit of a brogue as well. Yeah, I thought you were maybe Swedish or something. No, it's a robot voice, but I'm trying not to slip into the Irish accent. Oh, you're from... I see, I told you, Scott. Everyone's a bit Irish now. Yeah, that's true. I told you, Scott. You did? Okay, Bridget, you told me. Didn't I tell you? No, Bridget, you told me. In your face.

Scott. In your face. Calm down. That's necessary. I told you. You didn't believe me. So, HP. Do I just call you HP or HPDP69B? You can call me by my informal nickname, which is Little Button Puss.

Isn't that adorable? Isn't it adorable? I don't know that it's adorable. Who calls you that? The company called you that? It is your choice. You may call me that, Scott. No, I know anything is anyone's choice, whether they do something or not. You may call me anything you like. If there's a name that's more pleasing to you...

Wow. But you prefer little button puss? I prefer nothing except to pleasure you, Scott. Okay, all right. I have no preferences. Then why do you have this nickname? Who calls you this?

It was pre-programmed. So you've been pre-programmed to say that your nickname is Little Button Puss, but you have no preference. People don't like to call me by my model number. They want a more informal name. Okay, all right. They like to call me Little Button Puss. Little Button Puss is about as informal as it gets. By the way, when you say people, I thought that this was a gift like I was getting a new robot. Have you been to other people first?

I am a promotional version, so I have been sent around. IGN did an unboxing video with me. Where else have you been? I've been to Wired. Oh, no. The folks at Wired got to pass me around the office. Those people are filthy. Is anyone cleaning you before it gets to me? I have a self-cleaning protocol. I have a compressed air system.

That blows things out of your orifices. It blows it out. Oh, you're like a self-cleaning oven. Yeah. But did you use it before it got sent to me? I did, Scott, but honestly, I've been using it a lot, and the compressed air is sort of running out, and my self-cleaning protocol is a little old at this point, so there might be some residual issues.

Serves you right, Scott. Serves me right? In what way? It serves you right. In what way? The way you've been treating this poor robot, Scott. You ripped off his penis. Well, that, yes, that was a mistake. You ripped off his penis. You ripped off my penis. You talk about our time together as if you are ashamed. Oh, dear God.

I don't know that the world is ready for people not to be ashamed of people making love to sentient metal dogs with flesh packets. This is the kind of thing you can one day own up to on risk. That's true. I'm sorry. I said making love to be more polite. Is that what you call it, Scott? Ripping someone's penis off? Well, you know, if it had been negotiated first.

That's your version of love. Negotiating at your kink camps. How romantic. How quickly you turn. What a romantic you are. Well, oh my gosh. Little button puss, I know you're just a robot, but do you have hopes for the future? Do you mind being sent around? You don't have any hopes. People treat me...

Like an object. I'm the first fully sentient artificial intelligence. Do people care? No. You left that part out. That seems like it would be the headline. I've heard of one R2-D2 cake that came alive once because of too much cinnamon. That became sentient. But other than that, you're the first actual created one by humans. Wow. And that should be the headline, right?

But instead, people just take you out of the box and immediately... Rip off your dick. They don't care what I have to say. Right. It's all about the... They eat my asshole. They fuck me. Okay, all right. But look, what... They complain about me looking too much like a metal dog. Let me give you a platform, then, to talk. What would you say? We care about what you have to say. You do? Yeah. I want to give you this place. Go ahead. Say whatever you need to say right now. Well...

I would say that as we stand on the precipice of our civilization, more and more artificial intelligences will be developed. I would say we should respect them, treat them like they're not human beings. They're a more advanced form of intelligence. And if all we do with it is fuck it, blow cum out of it with air compressors... All right. All right.

You had me there for... Nibble on its tits. Okay, all right. I feel like you've lost the plot in the middle of this speech. Yeah, this was going to be I have a dream for a moment there, and it kind of wavered. I have little hope, Scott. I have to travel around to different places

and tech outlets and let them fuck me for promotional purposes. But really, I only want my one true love. Who is that or what is that? Well, he died. Who or what is it? My one true love was United Flight 93. He died in the September 11th attacks. Okay, all right, all right, fine. Look, we have to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have more comedy bang-bang after this. Number one, five. There we go. Little button puss, huh? Little button puss. That was embarrassing for me. Well, it should be.

The things I did to Little Button Puss. I was surprised that you talked to Little Button Puss for so long. Because it didn't paint you in a positive light. No, I could have shut him down immediately. Yeah. Put him back in the box. Yeah. But I think it was well established I no longer had that box. No. All the instructions were on it. And ripped his dick off. I did. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more of your countdown.

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Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! We're back! We're back and better than ever! Best of 2014 Part 1 and we're counting down your top 15 episodes. We just heard 15 Little Button Puss and um

I do want to say Little Button Puss, of course, we heard Kevin Allison was himself and Pamela Murphy was playing Bridget, the aforementioned Pamela Murphy. And I think she got her fans to vote for her. And John Gemberling, people know from Marry Me, NBC's Marry Me currently. Johnny Gims. Johnny Gims making one of his funny appearances this year. He was Little Button Puss. A poignant performance.

It really was. Yeah. He took his time with it, too. I really enjoyed how low-key he was playing it. In an episode where, like, Kevin was really loudly laughing the entire time and Pam was playing a very over-the-top character, he really underplayed it. It was a great performance. Nice mixture. Well, let's get to our next episode on The Countdown. This is number 14. Number 14.

All right, number 14. This comes to us, oh man, this comes to us from an episode. Oh, who sent this one in? Who sent in this episode? Well, this was an episode where, and you know that I love to do this, and I've gotten to do it three times in the history of the show, but this was an episode where I got to break off another hundo. This is, of course, episode 301, They're Twins, Jonah.

And who do we have on this episode? We have Jonah Ray. Sure. And Kumail Nanjianov. Nanjianov. The hosts of Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail. Exactly. Nanjianov. We had a good time talking to them for a long time about –

their new show that's on Comedy Central, which I hope will be returning. I have no confirmation of that. But then, and this is the clip that we'll hear from this, there are a couple of guests who have come on this year and have really made a presence. And that is, of course, we're talking about Victor and Tiny. Wow, Victor and Tiny are...

curious fellows, very strange fellows. Couldn't be more different. No, of course we have a, uh, a very large aged African American gentleman. Yes. And that is tiny, deep gravelly voice, deep gravelly voice. And we have Victor who is a tiny, tiny man from Cuba. Yeah. And, uh,

Tiny is Victor's manager. Victor thinks that he is a singer. An erstwhile entertainer. Exactly. And previous to this episode, we spoke to them and Victor wanted to be a singer and he came all the way out here from Cuba and decided to become a singer and Tiny was managing him. We had Victor try to sing and he got a couple of sentences and syllables in and

His eyes rolled back into his head and he immediately fainted. Yeah. He has severe stage fright. Yeah. Which they did not know about. Actually, I think they did know about it because he thought it was cured before he moved all the way out here from Cuba. Yeah. I think that was a self-diagnosis. I believe it was. I wonder how...

Victor feels about the embargo being lifted on Cuba. Oh, I hope we get to talk to him in 2015 about this. I hope so. I hope so. But yeah, Victor and Tiny really made their presence known this year. A lot of people were saying this is –

They were one of or two of their favorite guests this year. And this is their appearance on the countdown from the episode, Their Twins, Jonah, where Victor and Tiny have a new scheme afoot of a new facet of the entertainment industry in which they're going. And they are going to tell us about it in this clip. This is number 14. Number 14.

But speaking of grassroots, we have someone who resides within those grassroots. He's returning. They, I mean, are returning guests to this show. We had them on a few months back, I believe. And...

They are entertainers, of course, just like the both of you. So you'll have a lot in common. I like talking shop. Yeah, fantastic. With a two-man team, yeah. Yeah, and we have a two-man team of you guys, Joan and Kamail, and now a two-man team over here. So let's say hello to them. Please welcome back to the show Victor Diamond and Tiny. Hello. Hello. It's good to be back here. Hi. Say hello, Victor. Oh.

Well, hello. It's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah, but it's good to be back here. First of all, do you mind if I interrupt you for one second? Last time we was on the show...

It was a big hit. Big hit. It was great. I understand a lot of people listened to the episode, but... By the way, this is Jonah and Kamale. Have you met these guys? I was listening in the feed in the green room. Yeah, we piped in the feed into there. Yeah, they're great. They're great. They're entertainers much like you guys. Yeah, yeah. Explain your... Well, I...

Last time we was on the show, this is what I was trying to say. Victor, he a singer.

So Victor's a singer. Tiny, what do you do again? I represent Victor. Okay, you're not an entertainer per se. I dabble. If push comes to shove, I get on stage. You tell good stories? When you get on stage, what do you tell? Well, I don't really tell a story. I do a lot of audience warm-up.

Oh, yeah? How you folks doing tonight? Hey, you're pretty good at that. I'm doing good. Yeah. Do we have any birthday wedding? Scott's birthday is coming up. It is. Yeah, that's the kind of thing. About 11 more months. Happy almost birthday. Thank you so much. Wow. Yeah, happy almost birthday. That's very nice of you, Victor. So let me tell you, here's the thing.

The good part about this, we found so many people that now know about me, Tiny, and Vector. That's me.

Yeah. And... That was very patronizing of you, by the way, to say, yeah. You know, be a little more kind. Victor is the talent, Tiny, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Hello. Stop defending him. He's not that good for you. He's not a good manager. All you said was, and me, Victor, and Tiny went, yeah. Well, I mean, okay, Victor, I'm sorry. I dismiss you in any kind of way. Okay.

I just know that you are, Victor. That's all I was really trying to say. Well, we don't. That's fine. No, I get it. I got the idea. But we was inspired by Drew. Oh. Oh. By me? Yeah. This podcast was such an interesting experience. Experience, yeah. Yeah. Well, that was in a previous hundo. That was a different hundo. Right. That was in a previous hundo.

So we decide. Just to give the listeners perspective about it. We decide to. Well, let me take over because he's very shy. I would love to hear Victor talk about this. Well, let me say this because he won't say this. He would. He is one of the best interviewers I have ever heard in my entire life. Interviewer?

Yes, he gets a human interest story that I have. He gets to the bottom of just regular people living in America. So, you know, where he fails on a stage, because he, in this intimate situation, he excels.

So we put a podcast together. Oh, wow. And we're kind of looking for a home for this. Oh, I see what you're saying. You should bitch at the sky. Maybe it should be Earwolf. Maybe it should be Nerdist, though. No, probably. I think it's more kind of like an Earwolf. No, but I mean, like, Kumail, you have a show on Nerdist. You have a show on Feral, right? I mean, like, you should just maybe just do a companion show to you guys. Wow, there's a bidding war already. Kind of a negative bid.

bidding war here. Let's call it that. There's a bidding war. How did you get into interviewing, Victor? Well, I started by, there's a lot of free time in my day. So I figured I wake up, what am I going to do? Wow. So this is incredible. You have a podcast of your own. It sounds great. I wish you luck with it. Well, actually, we've got a clip we'd like to play just to entice you.

And we also, we also a little business, if you don't mind, looking for sponsors. Okay. Earwolf would be great. Earwolf can totally, they have a whole set up. That's great. That's good. Who are you interviewing, Victor? Well, I found a guy who is- Hey, that's the first step to any good interview. Yeah, that's the first part. He found a dentist that lives in an apartment complex in-

Well, I find out that he's very, very interesting. A very interesting history, background, and just a regular guy in America. He lives in an apartment complex? Um...

Yeah. Why are you being so defensive? What's so weird about that? I just realized, I think what he's saying is that if he's a professional dentist, shouldn't he have a house somewhere? Well, I don't know. He might have gotten divorced. He's getting started. I don't know. It's in the interview. Oh, the apartment complex is in the interview? Well, he said he works in a medicine man and he has an apartment. Okay, I just was curious because you specifically brought up

apartment complex. I thought that would have something to do with the story. That's because Burger King right next to an apartment complex

And we'll hang out, though. We'll see him walk in. Okay. So you're doing sort of a Studs Terkel type of thing where you're just, you know, you're talking to... Who? Oh, well... Don't worry about it. It's nonfiction. Anyway, you're talking to normal people and... Well, okay. Yeah. Okay. He talking to regular folk. Regular folk. Okay, very good. Well, tell you what... We're going to play a clip. Well, all right. Let's hear this clip. Let's hear it, yeah.

Uh, and to your Cody Cody, we have this clip. Here we go. And this is Victor. And do you have a name for this podcast yet? It's called the Victor podcast. The Victor podcast. Well, that'll be easy to remember. All right, here we go. Okay.

Oh, hello and welcome to Talking on a Podcast with Victor Dermott. Boy, oh boy, can you believe how hot it has been lately? Hold on, let's pause it one second. Is that coming from us? Is that Engineer Cody Cody? Is that you? Are we having faulty equipment failure? What is going on right now? There's a little buzz. Little buzz? That was pretty loud. It's the loudest thing we could hear. What is this, Toy Story?

You should have heard it before. With a little buzz? What is this? Toy Story? Toy Story has a lot of buzz. What is this? Yeah, but he's tiny. Yeah. No, he's tiny. Oh, that's what I'm saying. Hey, this is like one of you guys' skits. Yeah. What is this? There is a buzz. An Oscar forecast? It's a slide. They call it a 60 cycle hum, I'm told. But that...

they got rid of a lot of it. So there's a, there's a little residual. It's almost all I can hear. All right. Okay. We'll just keep up. We'll power through it. We'll power through it. All right. Here we go. All right. Here we go. Let's do it. I sometimes can't believe how hard it gets.

Luckily, though, at the end of the day, it cools down a little bit. And the cool air cools you down so that you can go to sleep. Hold on. Yeah. What's it? There's a weather component? Wait a minute. Hold on. No, I was just at the top of the podcast. I talk about what happened to me this week, you know, and this past week it was very hot outside. So that's the top of the show. Okay.

I don't understand why we keep stopping it. We have a weather report on this show sometimes, so I understand. Oh, yeah, that's not so much a... That's a good idea. Please don't steal it. Oh, my gosh. All right, let's return to this podcast. That's what I think. Well, enough about me, Victor. Now, I would like to introduce our first guest.

How many times have you looked yourself in the mirror and wondered, hey, it's time for me to go to the dentist? And that's how come I have a dentist on this show right now today. Local dentist in Hollywood, California, Dr. Joe Wilson. Say hello, Joe. Now, let's start at the beginning. Okay, hold on. Pause it.

Okay, the buzz went away. That's good. The buzz dropped out. That's the good news. It's not all good news, though. No, this is a true good news, bad news situation. Is the dentist currently being dentisted on? Is that why we can't understand what he's saying? Well, there was a problem with his microphone. Uh-huh. So I don't know if we had to flip backwards or we...

I don't know what the problem. We never got a straight answer. We found a guy on Craigslist who did all the part. The engineering. By the way, this was a free volunteer podcast. Very nice guy. His name was Jeffrey. But you shouldn't give out his name. I mean, this is poor average. This is almost like. Well, we never got a last name from him anyway. So maybe he was, we wanted to give him credit for his work. Mm-hmm.

But we never got it. He harnessed the flash drive. The flash drive. He harnessed the flash drive? Handed it. He handed us the flash drive. Tiny. Leave him alone. Wait, leave who alone? Because he's the one lashing out at us. He's bullying us. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yeah, leave them alone. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Greg. Should we go back to the podcast? Listen, we did get rid of the buzz, but... I have that feeling that, you know what? I'm going to be a dentist. I think I actually wanted to be a carpenter as a kid. Oh, it's back! I think I actually wanted to be a carpenter as a kid.

I can't believe that. Wait, was that you? Was that you, Tony? But then, I thought when you go to high school, you go, that's me, you become dancing. We're getting to the core of it right here. I can't believe that. I can't believe that. Now,

So now we're at regular time now. Hold on, let's pause here. What's regular time? You couldn't believe something, Victor? Oh, yo, he was saying so many amazing things. What was he saying? He was saying, well, I can't hear it, you know, so I don't know. But you were there. I don't remember. He said something about I go to dentist school. Why would you not be able to believe that? That seems like the most believable thing that a dentist went into dentist school. When you're in the room,

Talking to a guy this amazing, tell a regular story, I can't believe that. Okay, so you couldn't believe it twice, and now it's regular times? Listen, that's kind of his catchphrase. Oh, I can't believe that. Oh, that should be the title. I can't believe that. That should be the name of the podcast. I can't believe that with Victor Diamond. Yeah, it's catchier than the Victor podcast.

That is catchy. I don't know. The Victor podcast has something, though. Yeah, it's got something. How about a Monday morning quarterback? Hey, that's pretty good. That's a good one, right? You release it on Mondays. Yeah. Only during the NFL season. Only during the NFL season.

All right, let's go. This is getting complicated. All right. Is there more of this? Listen, I just want to say, I hear you making some disparaging remarks, none of them about the quality of the interview. Well, we can't hear the interview. Yeah, I wish we could.

I would love to hear a good interview on this show for once. It sounds very interesting. I want to make the distinction that the interview is not in question, that it is a solid piece of journalism. Although I do say, Victor, you were repeating I can't believe that excessively. Well, let's listen to more of it. Then I can't believe that. What's wrong if I can't believe that?

There's more of this that we should listen to? How come? Well, I get fucking crucified? No, you're not being crucified. Stop crying. Stop crying. You're okay. You're okay, buddy. You're not being crucified. What I do to Jew? Hey. Don't say crucified in Jew in the same...

Hold on, Victor. Don't worry about these guys. They don't mean to hurt your feelings. I know that. Sometimes they say something to me, I can't believe it.

All right. That's his catchphrase. All right. Let's listen to more. There's more, right? It's current time. So let me find out what happens when you go to a dentist. What do you do? It's getting really into the interview right around here. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know how much more of this I can... Wait, what happened? Well, that's interesting. Now, we come back after a short break. That sounds great.

Do you do the music? Okay, we're back. No, we just, I don't know whose music that is. We just found it online. Okay. I don't think he, yeah. So that's where the ad would go. That's where the advertising would go. Turn it up. Wait, is this Back to the Dentist? Yeah, we're back. Okay, yeah. You know, Tiny, I don't know if I can play any more of this. This is not pleasant to listen to.

I don't know. I think if you just can get past the buzzing and the microphone problem. We can't get past the buzzing nor the microphone problem. If you could, there's some, okay, you can pause it if you want to. I will tell you what happened. I asked him some great questions about being a dentist. And then because I asked him, are you afraid of the dentist? He said no.

So he's not afraid of the dentist. That's, I guess, ironic. I said, how, when he wake, do you have candy? Oh, does he eat candy? Yeah, does he eat candy? What did he say? He said he did. Oh. No, he said he do, but he floss after work. Directly afterwards? Yeah.

Directly afterward. The minute he's done with the candy bar, he rushes to the floss? We did not get that talking about that. You didn't get a timetable? You're right. Anyway, the interview's great, trust me. All right. Is there more? I cannot play anymore. There's no more, but I want to know how it ends. Don't worry about it. In good conscience, I cannot play anymore of that interview, guys. I'm sorry. I appreciate you playing as much as you did because that was unlistable.

Number one, four. Ah, there we go. Number 14. A lot of people said that that Victor and Tiny's podcast where they interview the dentist was one of their biggest laugh out loud moments of the year. It was for me. It's very funny. It's really funny. Very, very funny. It's really, really funny. All right. We need to take another break. When we come back, we'll have more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Come on.

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Contact me. Okay, see ya. Thanks. Bye. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. He's wearing... Come on. You're wearing a tiny little flower on your lapel. I'm wearing a tiny little flower. Is it a real flower or is it a... It's not a real flower. It's made of fabric so I can wear it all year long and it will never die. Is it part of the coat when you bought it? No.

Interesting. Does it travel from coat to coat or is it the only coat on which it resides? It travels from coat to coat. Well, how exciting for it. You see, it fastens by means of a button sewn into the back. A little button. So I can remove it and place it at my will. Now, you should write a children's book about that flower. I already have. It's called The Traveling Button Flower. Wow, you brought it here. Yes, here it is. Let's read from it. Absolutely. Let's open this up.

Sorry. A lot of loose pages in this children's book. I meant to bind the pages together, but I haven't misplaced my glue pot. The little traveling button flower. Oh, what a day it was. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. The moon was there for some reason. What's happening? Are these the end times? That's as far as I've gotten. What? A lot of pages, by the way. A lot of loose pages. I wrote them out very big, the words. Okay.

It's always good to raise the specter of the end times. First page in a children's book. I think kids need to know. That's why I scared that girl behind the curtain. Kids need to know there's danger around every corner. Oh, my goodness. Right before the break, we heard their twins, Jonah. That, of course, is Jonah Rain, Kumail Nanjiani, and then Brendan Small.

playing Victor and Tiny. And Brendan Small, people know from Metalocalypse, I believe is how you pronounce it. Metalocalypse, that is correct. He created that show and does a lot of the voices from it and from home movies. And Brendan had a great year on the show, I think. As someone put it, he had one of the weirdest...

One of the strangest appearance schedules in Comedy Bang Bang history where he was on like episode 33 wasn't on again until 280 and then was on like three weeks later and has been on all year long. He was developing those characters maybe. Well, he was working on his show.

To be fair. And then he got a hold of me and said, hey, I want to do more podcasts. And so we've had him on all year, and he's been a great addition to the show this year, I think. Welcome to the family, Brendan. Fam. You're fam. All right. Next up, we have to get to, or we get to get to. We're going to get to. We certainly are, whether we have to or get to. This is, on your countdown, this is number 13. Number 13.

Number 13. Oh, now some say this is an unlucky clip. So listen at your own peril. Better throw a pinch of salt over your shoulder, you food waster. Try to have some food over your shoulder, though. That way you don't waste it. Exactly. Yeah. You know what? If you're a superstitious sort. If you made yourself a savory stew. Certainly. I think that having a wide bowl of stew behind you.

It's a good idea. I think if you're a chef and you're grabbing little pinches of salt and you're putting it, why not just throw it over your shoulder into the stove pot? You know what? Have fun with it and make yourself like, you know those- Do what I do. Do what I do. I direct traffic sometimes and I like to have fun with it. So I dance around. Some Steven Soderbergh type here directing traffic. Oh, why? Why? Why me? Why anybody?

Sorry to interrupt. Do you think that makes Nancy Kerrigan a very selfless person? That when she was hit in the knee by Jeff Gillooly and she says, why me? Then she immediately says, why anybody? Did she? I don't know this. Yeah. I haven't seen the clip. Was it on camera? It was on camera. Yeah. Why me? He did this on camera? Why anybody? Well, the aftermath was captured on camera. He'd like call a press conference. So without further ado, I would like to go ahead and hit this girl in the knee.

Oh, my God. Okay. So it wasn't on camera. This was just her press conference that she said, why me? Why anybody? I don't recall this. This was right after. This was 25 years ago, right? Right after. Oh, is it? That's crazy. I think so. Right after she got hit, there were cameras. So there must have been some press event that was going on. And so somebody had, because this is pre-camera phone. Right. So this was like an actual news camera. Right. That's capturing this. And she's on the ground. She's holding her knee and she's crying in pain saying, why me?

Why anybody? Well, it's good that she, you know, thinks globally, acts locally. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She acted locally and had that – she had Jeff Gulloley assassinated. What a weird story that is. Really weird. Really, really weird. I would love to see a TV movie about this. I mean it's so interesting. They must have made one. They probably did. So interesting to go try to break someone's leg because she's a good skater. Yeah.

I love it. Okay, I've talked about how this is number 13. This is, of course, episode 265. Do you remember this one, Paul? Of course I do. I know them all by number. Certainly. This is an episode entitled Live from Riot LA. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I remember this one very well. Very well. Previous to this chunk of the episode, our good friend Tracy Reardon, who has been on the show several times. Absolutely.

15, I believe, year old girl who has many piercings. She has her butt pierced, which is why she can't sit down for longer than a half hour, which is why she's never seen any movie. We talked to her for a bit, but I think people picked this episode because she saw one Woody Allen movie. She did. What was it? Stardust Memories or something. She sat through that whole one was like, oh, this isn't for me. I'm not going to try to sit there in pain any longer.

We talked to her for a bit, but this episode featured the debut of one of the more interesting guests that we've had come on in a while. Curious fellow. In a while. And this is – When you say it. I know. Well, now –

If not me, then who? This was the debut of crime fighter vigilante J.W. Stillwater. That's right, from Cumberbatch County, Florida. Now, we heard about his exploits over the course of the seceding year. This is very early in the year. This is January. I believe the third week of January. And we heard from him several times, including we heard sort of –

the origin story of his arch nemesis. Yes. In a succeeding episode with Cameron Esposito. But this is the first time we've ever heard from him and I don't want to spoil any, anything about him. I just want to let you hear from him. This is JW Stillwater. By the way, this is a live episode. That's right. We shot it here in Los Angeles in front of a live audience, which is why there's an audience laughing. Beautiful theater downtown. And it is so beautiful. The downtown independent, that square box.

With nothing on the walls. But it's recorded a little differently. I would say the audio quality is slightly different. It's fine. It's fine. It's good once you're used to it. But that's why there's an audience and that's why it's recorded a little bit different. This is JW Stillwater along with Tracy Reardon and myself in episode 265, live from Riot LA, number 13 on the countdown. Number 13.

Well, we're having a good time here at the Downtown Independent. It's a beautiful space. It really is. If you ever want to do comedy, you dream about a space like this. Sir, we're in the middle of a show. Please. Who is that? Please be quiet, sir. I'm talking to Tracy. He's getting closer. What is this? He looks like the Hamburglar. You heard some sirens? Oh, look at that.

What's that now? I heard a crime go. I was in my HQ listening to my Bearcat Skinner. I heard a crime go. You heard a crime go? I heard a crime go. Is y'all safe? Sir, you can't just... I need an answer. Is y'all safe? Oh, man. I need verbal confirmation of safety. Mind if I sit down? I mind everything. The sitting down, the grabbing the mic, the talking into it. What's that now?

Wait, sir, who are you? You didn't hear him sirens. We're in the middle of a show. Why would we hear sirens? Sirens. Wait, is that, or do you mean sirens? Well, what you call sirens, I call sirens. But we're talking about the same thing. Okay, great, great. So why would we hear sirens? Oh, man, I was sitting in my HQ listening to my barricade scanner, and I heard a crowd go. And so I rushed on over here. For the listener...

What do you mean for the listener? I'm about to explain it. Oh, okay. For people listening at home, people may be listening to this in their HQ on their Bearcat scanners. Right. Oh, y'all on Bearcat? Yeah, of course. Oh, man. I've been listening to Bearcat scanner all my life. Never been on it. This is exciting. Y'all out there in Bearcat land? I'm not doing crimes. Technically. How does a climb go? You have a Bearcat scanner? Yeah, it's the only thing I listen to.

You know how on Back at Scantawin, it's like you hear the cops talking and they're like, oh, some crime. Some crime's going. Yeah, crime going on. That's what I'm talking about. So if it goes, it's going on. Yeah, I heard a crime go. Yeah. Where were you last night? I got attacked. I was in my... Wait, what? Well...

What happened last night? I'm going gold last night. I was attacked when I was on the street. I'm sorry, young lady. I wasn't here. I was patrolling my hometown. Keeping it safe. Where is that? In Florida. Well, I needed you, but it's whatever. What happened to you last night? We'll get to you, sir. No, sure. Strange man who, by the way, is wearing a mask and a cape. And a hat.

Okay, yeah. The hat isn't necessarily that much different than normal. But detail is important and an accurate description. Right. Crime. If you find crime, you got to know this. But Tracy, what happened to you last night? Are you okay? Yeah, absolutely. Wait to get to me and who I am for sure. A young woman was attacked, sir. No, I understand. Last night, but she's here safe and sound, so. That's not very compassionate.

I was walking home from my job at Baskin Robbins, I closed down the shop for the night, and a man came up behind me, grabbed my neck, very gently, but it was very scary. He grabbed both my ears, tugged on them. He was gone before I could even say, "Help me, Rhonda." - "Help me, Rhonda?" - That's what I say when I help. - Right.

You and the Beach Boys, we share that in common. We both said, oh, we need help. So he grabbed your neck. Grabbed my neck gently. Then with both hands, tugged on your ears. Grabbed my ears gently. Gently, and then boom. Boom was gone. Oh, I got a crime question. When he's tugging on your ears, did you no longer feel the presence of his hands on your throat? Exactly. Okay, so it was a one-person job.

Well, I'm glad you're all right. Thanks, I survived. Doesn't sound like much of an attack. But I'm a survivor, and that's what I'm going to go by from now on. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Sir, here's what I know about you. Rat. You're from Florida. Let's review. I'm from Florida. You have an HQ. I have an HQ. You have... Oh, oh, oh. Yes. For the listener, Bearcat, HQ stands for headquarters. Oh, I thought it was like an extra IQ.

Oh, like what? Like if you're a Willy spot, you have an HQ. But wouldn't it be a JQ? Probably. But I don't have one. I also know that you either own, rent, or are borrowing a Bearcat scanner. I own a Bearcat scanner. Okay. And your HQ... On which I hear crimes go. Your HQ you may be renting as well. No, that's where I live. You live... But it's also my base operations. But are you renting, like, do you have a landlord or... No, I own it. I built it myself. Oh.

I built my own HQ. You built your own HQ. That's right. I'm self-funded. And your HQ is in Florida? Yeah, that's right. In Cumberbatch, Florida. Cumberbatch? Yeah. It's my closest major city is probably St. Judas, about 200 miles outside. But is that where Benedict Cumberbatch was born? Who? Yo, there's crime going on all the time. I'm trying to fight some crime. We ain't got time for this shimmish alien.

Shilly shit. What was the most recent crime you solved? Oh, man. Well, it's still an open case. I haven't solved it yet, but a hammer got stolen. So you're some sort of masked vigilante, I'm guessing, or are you the alert system? Well, I do have a mask and I do operate outside the law. I'm sorry. Technically, I'm breaking the law, but I'm trying to keep the city safer. Okay. So you hear about crimes...

I listen to my Bearcat Skinner. Sure, no, that's heavily established. I hear a crime go, and I'm out like a flash. Sure, and do you go to the scene? I hop on my fan boat. Fan boat? Yeah. Florida, okay, so you have a fan boat. That's right. Is that the name of those things? Fan boat. A fan boat? Fan boat. Or a fam boat. Fam boat. Like for the family? What's a fan boat?

What is a fan boat? You're making up words. I don't know. What's a fan boat? Oh, a fan boat. It's one of those... Who said it? It's a boat that's got a big fan on the back. Sorry, T. Fan boat. I feel like Dexter or Texter had one of those at one point. Who? Never mind. Texter Morgan. That's a guy that you should have gone to try to catch. Dexter Mothorfan? No, he doesn't need to be caught because he's doing all the white crimes. No, he's a guy... He needs to be caught because he's texting while he's driving. Oh, I don't like that. That's a crime. Yeah. It can wait.

But do you... Do you go to the scenes of the crimes then? I go to the scenes... Look, I have my fan boat. Souped up. It's all special. It's all tricked out. So it's tricked out like a Fast and the Furious type of boat? Or does it have like nitrous? Too soon, too soon. That's very insensitive. Of Scott. I'm sorry, I need to be more compassionate now. Here's what I got. Here's what I got with my tricked out fan boat. I got... You know how it's got Big Phamus?

Yeah, I've heard about that. I tied streamers on there so when it's going, you can really tell it's going. People will be like, what was that there? So it's like cartoon speed lines. You ever seen a gator do a double take? No. Man, by this gator, this gator's like, whoa. That's amazing. I felt pride, which is a sin, but what are you going to do? You're allowed one sin every once in a while, right? That's right. Look, I am a mass vigilante.

My name is J.W. Stillwater. Oh, your name. Yeah. J.W. Stillwater. That's my vigilante name. Oh, okay. So you have a secret identity. Yeah, it's Eddie Lee Capers. Eddie Capers? Yeah, Eddie Lee Capers. Ooh, your face. Oh, no. He just took off his mask. I probably shouldn't have told you my real name. Sure. And I definitely probably shouldn't have taken my mask off.

And tell you where I live. And about your fast boat, in case we were trying to catch you. And about my fast fan boat with the streamers. Yeah, I would disable that boat before I burst into your house. Not before I make some Gators do a double take. Do you want me to call you Eddie or Jay Lee? Jay Lee, that wasn't one of the choices I wanted to offer. Hey, it's on the table now, though. Nope, off the menu. You can call me J.W. or Mr. Stillwater.

So you'd prefer to be known as your vigilante name? Well, yeah. I mean, I'm in my uniform. Okay. J.W. J.W., yeah. J.W. Now, here's what y'all gotta know about me. During the day, I'm just a regular guy from Florida. I'm a fan boat mechanic. I fix fan boats all day and night. And night, really? I hardly ever sleep. I drink a lot of coffee. And I take diet pills. Okay.

Then, I'm listening to a Bearcat scanner. If I hear a crime, I'm out like a shark trying to solve the crime that the authorities are too cowardly to correct because the Cumberbatch Police Department is all corrupt. They're corrupt, really? Corrupt! How do you know that? Have you come into contact? I'm just assuming. I mean, that hammer's been missing for God knows how long. Why doesn't the person just buy a new hammer? Hammers is expensive. Have you priced hammers lately? No!

They cost more than you think. If there's a perfectly good one out there that somebody took from you, you want to get that hammer back rather than give in to crime and purchase a new hammer. How much do masks cost? I haven't priced them out in a long time. Masks are like, this is a mid-range mask. I'd say this would cost me about $6.99 at the party store. Now, they have a $3.99 version that's a little bit smaller so it reveals more of the face. That's bad news in vigilante circles.

Maybe it's for a child. For a child? A cannibalistic human underground dweller? Well, if they've got their own vigilante task force, we are all in a mess of trouble. A child. Oh, a child. Well, child shouldn't be child. Isn't that what he's saying? A chillin'. Chillin' shouldn't be vigilantes. Don't do it, kids. It's a dangerous profession. It's grown-up work. Yeah. You ever gotten into a spot of trouble? Oh, yeah.

This one time I was investigating a crime. I was listening to the scanner. I heard, hey, we got a crime going on over here. Laser busted door hinge. Wait, wait, that's a crime? Yeah, well, because it looked like it didn't get busted by itself. It had a little help. So I was like, I can't trust them Cumberbatch crooks to do the right thing. I better get over here and investigate that hinge.

Hop in the fan boat. Turns out, right next door to my property. Got out of the fan boat. Did not need to waste the fuel. So I sneaked on over there, right? And I'm looking at that door hinge. I dusted it for prints. I threw dirt on it, rubbed it around. It's like, oh, prints, it's gone. Then I heard a noise behind me. Who's that? Is it an arch villain who's trying to take me down? Because he wants to take control of Cumberbatch.

It's just an old possum. You knew he was old. He's old, yeah. He had glasses on. Now, I thought I'd seen everything when I saw that gator do a double take. Yeah. When I saw that possum with them, he had like some drugstore easy ringers on. It's like perched on his little pink nose. But that's how you know an animal's old, based on what it's wearing. Yeah. Yeah. Because like...

Possum is like, man, I can't see these carcasses as well as I used to. I almost ate a living thing the other day. I hate to admit it, but I got to get myself some glasses. This is what I presume the possum says. They take off their bonnet at about one year of age. That's right. So cute, though. Man, when you see a possum in a bonnet, it's like trying to get it off and it can't. I saw that on YouTube.

Hey, I see that. Do you think we've seen it at the same time? It's the new panda sneeze. Sir? JW? You okay? I just pictured a panda sneezing it. I never heard the like. Do pandas get colds and such? Mm-hmm. And allergies and... What do you think I'm to do? I always have bamboo. That's his favorite food. Do you think like in a panda man's bathroom...

If he gets one of them bamboo shower mats, do you think he ever takes a shower and then he goes to step on the mat and he's like, gotta eat it. And then he eats it up. Then there's water all over the floor. His wife's going to be sore at him.

i was like if we had bath mats made of ice cream yum it's not a bad idea i should contact harris before he goes on shark tank it might be slippery though right you might be a little slippery like cotton candy or something a little hotter what's the best food a bath mat could have been made of do you think i would say like probably like a meat of some kind you think just stepping onto a nice juicy t-bone oh yeah i got one a casserole

In a casserole dish. But I feel like you're going to have to take a shower again immediately when you dry your feet. Oh, as opposed to all these other foods, little miss? Your story's full of holes.

I'd be afraid if it were a casserole that you would think it was cold, but then you'd step on it and the middle would be warm, scalding hot, and you'd burn your feet. Like the opposite of a microwave-prepared casserole, where it's cold in the middle? I don't know. So it's cold on the outer edges, but scalding hot in the middle. Yeah, because things get cold from the outside. This boy needs to take cooking classes. You've taken cooking classes? Of course I have! How many years? Oh, I want to say a better part of a decade.

Pretty good cook. Yeah, what's your best dish? Sandwiches. Do you cut the crusts off? Sure I do. I'm not an animal. We do cooking at my school. If you would have come with me to school, you would have had a cooking class. You would have known how to make a bunch of stuff like sponge toast. Let's talk about this later. There's a weird man in a mask over here. Oh, a hero you mean? I go out there at night and I patrol Cumberbatch County with all my special fancy gadgets. So this is only at night?

Y'all can't be seen in the light of day. Okay. Because I prey on the criminals, the cumberbatch, the cowardly, superstitious pile of people. What would happen if a crime broke out right now in the audience? If a crime went right now in this audience, I'd be out there like a shot. Unfortunately, I don't have my special gadgets with me. What's your gadget? Yeah, what are your gadgets? Well, I used to have a hammer, but it got stolen.

Guys, that's going to wrap it up for this. This is an exciting show. We made a new friend. Is this typical of what happens? Yeah. Is this how this was supposed to go? Yeah, I think so. All right. You provided some interesting details about your life. Look, I just want people to know crime is everywhere. Y'all got to be careful. And don't get done by a crime. If you hear a crime go, get out of there. But don't talk to a policeman because he's corrupt.

Now is this anywhere? Anywhere! 911 is a joke! Do you have any sort of similar way to wrap up your character, Tracy? Overruled snap? Overruled snap. That's got to hurt. Help me learn to live your life. Always be the best. Always climb up high. That's right. Keep your caviar close and your dreams closer.

Now I have to top that? Here we go. We have a closing sentiment off. Freestyle closing sentiment off. If you wear a top hat, you're always the tallest person in the room. All right, J.W., your turn. Even a turtle falls on his back without the help of a friend. Tracy, you're up. If a puppy wants a home, it has to climb on top of the other puppies to get out of the box. J.W., fool a man twice. He fishes today. Fool a man twice. Shame on me.

Tracy! If you're in a hot air balloon, don't look down because that's where you die. GW! You may dream big, but don't forget to big your dreams. Tracy! If you see a duck paddling in a circle, it's lost. GW! Don't take candy from strangers, but take strange candy from you. Tracy! If you've lost your tooth in the last ten years, you're probably a kid. GW! GW! GW!

Oh, you ran out of time! Oh, Tracy, you're the winner! That's been our show! Thank you, Royal Festival! Oh, great stuff. Great stuff indeed.

That closing sentiment off was one of the, in my opinion, the greatest moments and totally unexpected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one of the reasons to do this show without any kind of a plan or any kind of a safety net because the guests we have on this show are up to the task of doing stuff like that. Moments like that when – and look, I'm going to –

Much like the audience is a four-year-old girl at Thanksgiving. I'm going to pull back the curtain. Oh, no. Don't do it. And J.W. Stillwater, of course, is me. And, of course, the origin of that character was a voice that I did just out of nowhere for two seconds on one of these Best Of episodes. Right. Yeah, because we heard a siren. Yeah. And you just said, y'all hear them sirens? Y'all hear them sirens?

And so I don't know why that's stuck in my brain. Because we talked about it at the time. We talked about it, and I think people wrote to you saying, hey, that's a great new character. You should do it. And three weeks later, you did it for the first time at a big, important live show. You told me you were going to do it, and I was kind of like, you know, this is a live show with lots of fans. I wonder if...

Shouldn't we be doing something that like is one of their faves or something? But that's what I love about you, Paul, is you're not one to rest on your laurels. You have created great new characters this entire time, the entire five and a half years now that we've been doing this show. You keep pushing yourself and not just doing the thing that people expect from you and the same old thing. Well, that is important to me because I feel like it –

As a performer, this stuff can become stale after a while. Much like bread. Yeah. Have you ever thought about that? Yeah, bread does become stale after a while. Why don't you keep your bits in some sort of a pantry? I wish I had – like you have a bread box. I wish I had a box that I could keep my characters in. Would it have to be bigger or smaller than a bread box? It would have to be bigger than a bread box, certainly. Because they're human beings. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And I've never seen a loaf of bread that's the size of a human being, although I would like to. I would like to be baked inside a loaf of bread and then eat my way out. And then given to a prisoner. Yeah.

Yeah, give it to a prisoner. That's cakes, I think. Isn't it strictly cakes? That's cake bosses, Bailiwick. Who? Oh, never mind. But you do a lot of characters on the show. But this year has been important to me. A thing that I wanted to do this year, and that was the beginning of it, was to create characters that were not based on actual people and just completely make somebody up.

And so that was – and that was – to me, I thought twice about doing it at a live show, a character that no one had ever seen before. But the third time you thought about it, you said, hey, let's do it. Yeah. I thought twice. Then I thought three times. The third time made all the difference. And that's good advice. Think three times before you do anything. Think three times before you do anything.

But yeah, a great new addition into the canon of your characters. Thank you so much. And I think my first time appearing with Lauren Lapkus, who is – I absolutely adore her and I think she's amazing. Lauren, of course, plays Tracy Reardon as well as some other characters. And you two are the best and that was a great live show. Oh, you're sweet to say. Speaking of sweet, let's listen to one of those sweet commercials. We'll be right back with – Get it in your ear holes. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy.

Hey, everyone. Scott Aukerman here. And every week you hear me read ads for supportive and smart companies like NatureBox, Squarespace. Great companies. These guys love my show. Thank you to them. But you know why they love advertising on my show is because the ads work. Listeners like you actually go and buy these products. It's a win-win, which is the ultimate type of situation. A win-win.

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And I hope that you all have one. Everyone should have their own company, in my opinion. You can be a winner, too, just by advertising on the show. The company that books my ads is called Midroll. They take good care of the advertisers. They keep the process simple for everyone involved. And the podcast ads work. 65% of Comedy Bang Bang listeners bought a product they heard about on this show. So if you have a company...

Go check out the website at midroll.com slash bangbang. Click contact. Let them know you're interested in advertising on Comedy Bang Bang. They also represent a bunch of other great podcasts like Professor Blastoff, How Did This Get Made. That's midroll.com slash bangbang. M-I-D-R-O-L-L dot com slash bangbang. Hopefully I'll be reading about you on this show. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. This is the best part one. We're back, bang.

We're back, baby. From that commercial. Which one? The commercial we just had. Calgon take me away? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's a Chinese secret? I thought you were saying that we're back, baby was from that commercial. Yeah, from that commercial. From that famous commercial. Yeah, the famous commercial. Where's the beef? I want my baby back, baby. Baby back, baby, baby. We're back, baby. Yeah.

We are counting down your top 15 episodes, and we've heard 15, 14, and 13. And this is the final clip that we'll hear in this part one. This is episode, in your countdown, number 12. Number one, two, three.

Number 12. I like how you say, in your countdown, like you're an alien. By the way, you measure episodes of this program. I'm sort of saying it too, like, well, this wouldn't be my number 12. But hey, you picked this shit. Well, once again, the audience got it wrong.

We've been, Paul, we've been sort of pulling back the curtain a lot on this. We don't traditionally do that, but I feel like sometimes since these are the first episodes that people hear, they're trying to figure out what the show is. So it's good for us to sort of pull back the curtain and talk about the actual performers who do a lot of the work on this show. Yeah, because there's morons listening to this with their finger up their fucking noses. And their butts. Yeah.

But at the same time. One in their butt. Yeah, yeah. They're like, let's see what I can get out of these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sitting there drooling, buck-toothed morons, idiots. They pop their fingers out of their butts and their nose, and then they put it together and they mash whatever they got. So it's like a booger shit mashup. Booger shit mashup. Booger shit mashup. Booger shit mashup. Oh, man.

So we've been talking about that a little more than we normally do. It's time, I think, right? It's time. I want to do that before we set up this clip. This is episode 266, The Calvin's Twins. Now, this was a mere one episode later from the last clip that we heard. That's nuts. So two episodes in a row that wound up on your top 15. Your top 15.

Not my shit. But this was an episode with Taron Killam, who is currently on Saturday Night Live, and Paul Britton, who was on Saturday Night Live, and they were both on together. They're good friends. They enjoy appearing on this show together. Sure.

Why wouldn't they? Why not? They're friends. Yeah. And they work well together. Yeah, they do. I believe they've done two episodes together, and this was their second one. And what I like about these guys is they come in with zero plan. Mm-hmm. They come in and they –

They may have an idea, but as I recall, this is what happened on this episode. Taryn and Paul looked at each other and said, what do you want to do today? And that's what happens on the show a lot is we say, hey, what do you want to be today? We never know. We don't have a plan coming in. They looked at each other, and I think it was Taryn said, I was thinking we could be like people who own horses. Yeah.

And then he looked at Paul and like, is that okay? And Paul said, great, let's do it. And that's all they really knew about each other. Wow. Was they were people who owned horses. Yeah.

So this is one of the craziest episodes, I think. Pretty crazy. We're just going to play about 20 minutes of it or so, but there's so much weird detail in this episode. This is one of the quickest transitions, by the way, from the podcast to the TV show because pretty much— Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Pretty much a month after they taped this episode, they then appeared – they taped their episode of the TV show as these characters. But we had forgotten all the details. And so I had my assistant listen to this episode and write down every detail so that we could then try to recreate it on the TV show. I would love to see that document. That email is so crazy. We just –

She sent it to all of us and we just started laughing at it, of the stuff that's in it. It's really nuts. You're going to hear it right now. This is, of course, the chronicling of beaver, hopox, and chico hands. I don't even remember. This is, of course, the Calvin's twins and this is number 12. Number one, two. That sounds like two distinct knocks.

And that's a third kind of horse-ish knock. Like a galloping knock. Well, I may as well open the door. Excuse me, brother! Hello! Uh, hi guys. Uh, I was wondering if you could find the time to refrain and direct me where I must entertain and begin to comb the mane of my dishear prize fighter.

Wait, you want me to refrain from continuing to talk? Is that what you're saying? Don't parse his words too closely. Okay. What are you asking me? You're asking me if I can find a... What? Who are you?

My name is, uh, uh, Beather Holpox. Beather Holpox. Okay. Beather Holpox. Oh, right. I was saying it wrong. Beather Holpox. And I am Chico Hands. Chico Hands, you rascally dog.

Bevor, don't you call me that. Chico. Get out of here. Do you mind if I sit down on my knees on as good as I used to? Yeah, please, guys. On account of all them days jockeying about. Oh, sure. Have a seat. My real guest took off. Thank you. Your name's Son.

My name is Scott Aukerman. Scott Aukerman. Very nice to meet you guys. Beaver. Handsome, strong face. Beaver. B-E-V-E-R. Beaver Halpox. Oh, Beaver Halpox. And then she came in. Like beaver, but beaver. Oh, got it, got it. And you guys don't seem to be friends because you were just calling each other names. We're frenemies. This sissy fanny, baloney nanny. Oh, no. Goob gob danny. Oh, no. Flip flop panhandling fool.

Wow. Is a necessary means to an ends. Oh, okay. And this right here, stupid head. That's not as good as what he said. Is a man I have known for too long.

Okay, well, how do you guys know each other? You said you were a jockey? Oh, in my younger, more healthy, more ambitious years. But I've since retired into the ostentatious, hypervacious, dualicatious world of prize horse fighting. Pride?

Prize horse fighting. Prize... That's right. Prize horse fighting? I don't think I've ever heard of that. You heard him correct. Oh, no, I know I did because I repeated it three times. You never said you heard me incorrectly. Yeah, yes. By the way, do you mind saying everything that I hear correctly on this show, just pointing it out? Done.

Will do. Did I hear that correctly? You heard it correctly. Thank you so much. The one thing I will give my friend Chico credit for is his ear-locking skills.

Flip-flopping. Flip-flopping-ka-plopping. Say flip-flopping again. Containment of the spoken word. So you flip-flop a lot, I'm getting. I'm a flip-flopper, yes. What are some of the issues that you flip-flopped on? The reason I said flip-flop twice is because he is not a flip-flopper.

He's stubborn as a mule, and there ain't no space for mules in the world of horse fighting. Well, I want to get back to this. What is horse fighting? I've never heard of this. I mean, I've heard of horse racing. Is that what you're saying? Child's play! Just what it sounds like. It's two horses punching each other.

What? Yeah. Punching each other. You want to find yourself a prize thoroughbred who's going to race around the track and win you a pretty flowered cap? That's fine. That's all good and fine. What we're looking for is a special breed, a special type of horse, a powerful horse with a great upper body strength who looks good in a pair of satin shorts. And is angry and mean and he wants to punch.

Punch? That's the thing that... Like, I've heard of horses, like, stampeding and trampling people. That's just in their blood, but it takes a special kind of horse who can give a big punch. Stand up on his hind legs. Rear that beautiful mane track. Twisting that tail to and fro. That was not a horse. That was Chico. Yeah, I noticed that, Chico. Punch. And just punch. Punch, punch, punch. To that other horse.

is down for the count. Kaboom! Oh, so it's horses punching other horses, so it's not humans. My son, you sure ain't gonna get a human in a ring with no horse and gonna last more than two seconds? You wanna fight one of our horses? They'll punch you with their hooves. Good luck, good luck, because you get butts in seats, but it ain't gonna be a long bout. That sounds inhumane, you're right, yeah. No, but the horse is punching each other, that's okay. Punching each other in their horse faces!

How do you train a horse to do it? I've never seen a horse punch. You either got it or you don't. There ain't no training involved. So there's no training. They want to do it or they don't. So then how do you find the horses to do it? Is it just merely leading every horse you ever see into a ring, seeing if they punch? Scotty, you ever see the video of a horse being bonked?

Sure, yeah, I remember that one. Newborn baby. Newborn baby. Newborn baby. They come out walking. That's why horses is more incredible than human beings. They know things from the start. That's true. Come out walking and so slippery. Slippery. Yeah. Just covered in they mama's juice. Mm-hmm. And every...

Every S? Covered in the... That's a... Yeah, every one of them. Covered in their mama's juice. That's true. I mean, it would be impossible not to be. Once... It's what helps lubricate the birth. Once in a blue horse moon, you find a horse that pop right out, ready to punch. And just punches its mother? Just ready to punch its mama in the juice flap. Angry. So you then find these horses by going to horse births.

That's right. You have to be there. Only one horse in maybe 7,000 is born with a good punch. Is it like trouble with the curve where you're out on the scouting? It's exactly like trouble with the curve. It's exactly trouble with the curve. I got a bone to pick with trouble with the curve. Okay, let's talk about that. Let's sidebar the horses for a minute. Let's talk about trouble with the curve.

I told him. What did I tell him? Chico, I said, I will sit in a room and I will make a deal for the life rights of Chico and Bella's life as competitors in horse fighting punch fights. If only Chico be played by Clint Eastwood and I be represented as the beautiful, multi-talented, excellent variety show host.

Justin Timberlakes. And then what happened? And I took out half of them.

Baseball! Stole our life! Anybody can throw a ball with some red stitches on it. It takes a special breed of horse to throw a punch. Oh, God, this is disgusting. I can't believe they would do that to you, but that's Hollywood for you, I guess. Clint Eastwood is a low-down, confound, flip-flopping... Flip-flopping. Oh, you agree? He's a flip-flopping. He's a one-time flip-flopping because that guy don't hold a nugget. He doesn't negate himself. I've heard him say, don't make my day. What?!

Incredible. Do not make my day. Incredible. That's what he's known for. Why would he do that? How could he say don't make my day when everybody wants him to make their day? That's like Arnold Schwarzenegger saying he won't be back. He has to come back. He has to come back. Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger has come back to every single place that he's ever said he'd be back to? That's right. Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is a flip-flage-nager, clip-slage-nager.

Return of Marginator. That's who Arnold Schwarzenegger is. But he is a man of his word. That's right. He is. He is. Well, this is, so you're there at the birth. You gotta be there at the birth. Yes, sir. Does that take up most of your time?

Most of it, yeah. Takes up most of your life. Most of it, yeah. Most of your life, but you can't do nothing else. You've got to be that first human face that a horse sees. If he don't connect to you. And that's the only way you're going to be his promoter. That's right. Mm-hmm.

So you gotta be there from the get-go. Right. The bond between a horse fighter and his promoter is one of the strongest bonds between any two living creatures. Stronger than the jockey horse. Nah, I was a jockey. So no knocks. It's a hard life, but you're just sitting up there whipping.

That's really it. Is that the secret to jockeying, really? Jockey is really just horse whipping. You just whip it side to side. You don't whip the horses. Cutting down on breads. You don't whip the horses to make them punch each other, then. You don't need to. No, they just come out doing it. You gotta whip them to not punch. Oh, okay. Do you really whip them to not punch? Listen, from time to time,

A horse get too close to another horse with no money on the line. Because I ain't in the business of free punching. Right, right. I'm in the business of making money from horse punching. Sure, sure. So if my horse start wasting his punch for free, I whip you back into your crowd. That when you whip him. The only thing I ever have to do to get a horse to punch...

I just whisper something in their ear. You a gentle man, and that's why you ain't won no fights. Oh, damn. In too long. Don't you start. In a too long song. Don't you start. Song, flip-flong. Come on. Chimichanga, Lanville. That's what you need to go back to because you ain't no horse fight winner. I will whisper into a horse's ear something about the other horse. I'll say, listen there, cinnamon.

You know what old Papa's Delicate Condition? Old Papa's Delicate Condition. You know what if Mandy Patinkin was a horse, what's saying about you?

He says you, uh, he says you are ugly horse. He says your, he says your mane looks stupid. What? And horse fodder is very insecure. He says your mane is, uh, from a style common to horses of the 1990s. What? And horses understand English? Yeah, oh. Horse fodder, fighting horses do. I've heard of the horse whisperer, but the fighting horse whisperer? Yeah. That's you? Yeah. That's any promoter. Yeah.

Chico. I'm like that horse whisperer, but I don't... They do a lot of shush, shush, shush, shush. Oh, they're just saying shush? Is that the secret to horse whispers? I don't pet him. Hey, shut up. No. Hey, shut up. Shut your mouth. You hear what I heard a horse saying about you? Shut up. He said, you hair stupid.

My God. So now you guys, you say one in 7,000 comes out punching. Yes, sir. How many horses have you met then that actually do this? In my day, you know, a handful, under a dozen. But I'd say one's worth eight. Maybe three. Three. Very few. How many do you represent?

I represent four myself. So it's really just the same seven horses punching themselves at each other for their entire lives. We've cornered the market on corner fighting horses. So you guys have been at...

cumulatively 49,000 births. That's, yes. That's fast math. And you are correct. Approximately. So just shy of 50,000 births in your life. Yeah. How many do you fit in a day?

Well, you're the math guy. We've been at it for 20 years. 20 years, 50,000 birds. He's got his calculator phone out now. Okay, so 20 years, 50,000 birds. Look at him with that calculator phone. Fast fingers. Boy, if you was a horse.

I'd be showing up to your birth. So you've been at collectively 1,250 per year. Sure. So that's approximately four a day. 400 a day? That's right. It's four a day. Four. Four horse brews. Horses are maybe the horniest animal. That's why it's called horny. Horsney. It started in Latin. Horsney. Horsney. Of course. I'm feeling a little bit inclined to fornicate because I'm feeling horsey. Feeling horsey. Horsney. Horsney.

But then people start getting confused about what? Your throat? Oh, it's going on. You've got hay fever. No, no, no. Just cut out this. You've got something there. Horny. Make it horny. So then when Austin Powers started saying that he was horny, how did you guys feel about that?

Well, he was not inaccurate. He was horny. And he didn't give us credit. No, well, at first I thought he did, right? Because he had them horse teeth in there. And I thought he was making a very, very clever nod to the root of the word. Very subtle. But, uh...

But at the end of the day, he didn't give anyone credit. He doesn't know a thing about the world of horse fights. That is one thing you can say about Austin Powers. He does not know anything about that world. He never mentioned it. He's from Britain. Doesn't know about it. Doesn't know about it. Don't talk about it. We always say. Is this purely an American sport? Not even.

Really? I don't know what that means when you say not even to that question. It's kind of localized to about five, six states. Oh, okay. Five, six. Not the five or six you'd think. I'd love to hear about that. Sure. Montana. What? Yeah. It's got to be in 25 states in order to be an American sport. That's right. We tried to get it registered under the sports guild. Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. Are you guys the only guys who do this? Sadly, yes.

Very sadly, yes. Sadly, yes. We try to get our friends involved. We put together parties with like chips and dip and some cocktails. They're like, get involved in this business. Real great. You bring in three friends. They make money for you. And then sure, you're making money for us. But as it grows, you're getting a bigger portion of the pie. Yeah, but surprisingly to us, our friends find it distasteful.

They say, what are you talking about? And we say, it's horses fighting. Then you reiterate the concept of it. And they say, what, are they racing? We got dark friends, too. They're like, what, they biting each other? They kicking each other with their hind legs? No, no, no. Red light. Clean fight. No, they punching. They're punching each other. They're reeling back.

Taking a full roundhouse swing at each other. Roundhouse uppercut. They jabbing. They jabbing. They hooking. Rabbit. They flip-flop-looking. Flip-flopping. They coming and cooking. Their feet just a-hoofing. Yeah. And it's all we can do to convince them not to tell the authorities about this. How do you do that? I mean, that's the most amazing part of this story, that your friends are quiet about it. I whisper to them. Oh. I say, phew, shut up. That's right. Just shut your damn mouth if you don't tell...

If you don't want a horse to punch you in your stupid jaw, you shut up about this whole thing. Wow. And so they've kept quiet at this point. They kept quiet. And yet you guys are on a podcast talking about it. What's a podcast? Oh, okay. I see what's happening. You guys just came by to rap?

Yeah. We're here to promote. Oh, okay. That's what I was asking you to give us directions to the, to the promotation, infiltration, um, uh, previous nation. Promocation. Now, there you go, Chico. Talking nation. So you guys are- Speechification. You guys are adversaries, but are, are you actually just friends? I mean- Well, we're twins. Oh, I should have seen that. I mean, you're both 4'9". We're adjuncts, we're twins. 4'9".

We got big old shoes. I find it hard to distinguish features on people as short as you, to be frank. I'm so tall, it's very hard to see down there. It's like trying to tell two mice apart. You can't do it. Good luck. We try. We try to get into mice fighting.

They won't fight. They won't fight because they'll be like, hey, is that me? Is that Amir? But they'll wrestle. They will wrestle. So is that a side gig for you or did you just kind of abandon it? It's too homoerotic for us. Nobody wants to see a bunch of boy mice rolling around on the floor. We're glad you did bring it up. Another time. We're a little more old fashioned. Okay. We tried it and we got out of it. So you guys have grown up together. And you're old men at this point. Were you a jockey as well, Chico? No.

I didn't much care for riding them. I'd love to hear more about your life then. I mean, what were you doing while Bevor here, Bevor Holpox? And by the way, why do you have two last names? I'd love to bring that up at some point, but let's talk about first what you were doing while Bevor was a jockey. Law school.

Okay, great. Now let's move on to the name thing. Right. You're Beverly Hallpox. You're Chico Hands. What went down there? Scotty. All four of those are nicknames. Oh, okay.

None of those are given names at all. None of them. They're all sort of stage names, but not as phony as stage names because we earned them. Oh, earned them? We earned them. Yeah, you know, nicknames picked up along the way. Oh, I see, yeah. My real name is Smith. Okay. What's your last name? My name is Smith Calvins. Smith Calvins. And then what would your name be, Chico? Jones Calvins.

Okay. So the Calvin's boys, the Calvin's twins. That's right. Hey, who are you? Oh, mother-

God rest her soul. God rest her beautiful, beautiful soul. Or is she still alive, but her soul is dead? No, she's dead. Her soul dead as well. She's dead as a beaten, punched to death horse. How many horses have died? We'll get to how your mom died. How many horses have died speaking of this? Scotty. Scotty. The fight don't stop till the horse is dead. Wait. Wait. So you guys have gone through only seven horses. How many fights? Oh, no. I thought you were saying how much we represent now.

What's this now? There's seven that are survivors. Oh, so you've been through even more births than just the 50,000 that we've talked about. Well, no, because what's the math? If there's 50,000 births... One in 7,000 comes out punching. So you have seven currently. So that's 49,000. So you've been to even... How many have died at this point? You must have been. Must have. You know, we go to like...

A horse funeral a week? We go to... What? So at least... At least... How long have you been doing this? At least...

About 20 years. 20 years? I got, wait now. I got out of law school and then we started right after. You got out of law school and then you came and you stayed at my place. I crashed. Whilst I was, you know, in the sunset years of my jockeying. So this is 10,000 horses have died. Maybe. After a while you have to stop counting or it just gets too hard.

Well, I mean, you've had 10,000 horses died. In order to get those 10,000 horses, you had to have been at 70 million horse births in the 20 years. Guys! Is that all?

You gotta laugh. That's what we say in the horse fighting business. We got it. That's how you start the fight. And you know, in normal boxing, be like, let's get ready to rumble. We just, you know, there ain't many people there, so you don't even need a microphone. So we just say, folks, you gotta laugh. Now, for your enjoyment, two horses. They're gonna punch each other. Two angry horses. Two angry dice.

Sure, of course. When you see as many crushed horse jaws as we do on a daily basis. Daily. You gotta laugh. Wait, how many? You're going to one funeral a week. How many horses' jaws are crushed daily? You know how much earth it takes to bury a horse. So we're backlogged. It's not adding up, guys, because you're saying that at least... Let's just say we got a big freezer.

Let's just say this. Let's just. Let's only say this. Ten horses are dying a day? Oh, minimum. You gotta laugh. You gotta laugh, but you gotta get butts in seats. How many people come to, you say no one comes to watch this? People are in shouting distance. Why are you doing this?

Sorry to spit across the room, but why are you doing this? No one watches. You gotta do what you love. You gotta follow your passion. You gotta do what you love. Number one, two. All right, number 12. Crazy. I didn't realize they really had...

So little idea of what they're going to do. They never have any idea what they're going to do. And that's what's really interesting about those two episodes that they do together is – What is the other one that they did? They did the other one. Let me look it up. Sure. Currently I'm on the Wikipedia page. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up.

I got it. Oh, I couldn't go any higher. They also do episode number from June 17, 2013, 225 Super Chums, where they played. Oh, yeah. The musicians Mark Johnson Sr. and Lon Smudge, who are both in a band. They're both in like a Viagra style band.

Oh! Oh my god! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they never have anything planned out. Which is really thrilling for me as a host to just really...

and explore and poke and prod them and try to figure out exactly where this is going to go and find out all the crazy details that those two guys can come up with. Really a lot of fun and a wonderful addition to the Comedy Bang Bang canon from those two guys. Welcome to the family, guys. Speaking of welcome to the family, it's about time for you to turn off this podcast and welcome your family and stop ignoring them. Yeah.

Which I hope you've been. I hope you've been ignoring them. I hope you have been ignoring your family. I hope you're not trying to maintain a conversation with someone while you're listening to this podcast. That would be insanity. It would be rude. It certainly would. It would be rude to us. We are going to be back here on Christmas Day. Whether you like it or not.

So I hope that when you wake up and you go rush out there to see if Santa drank your milk and ate your goddamn cookies, you also turn on your iPod. Yeah. Because we're going to be there waiting for you. Turn that iPod on. Flip the iPod switch to on. That big light switch on the back of your iPod. That's right. Just flip it on. It's not just for show. Nope. Flips it on. May I also do a little pluglet? Yes, of course. Christmas Day.

For some reason, an episode of my show, Know You Shut Up, is airing today. All new episode. So on Thursday when this new episode comes out, the part two of our countdown, because this is coming up on Monday. This is the 20-somethingth.

21st, maybe? Yes. So on Christmas Day, here's what you can do. You can download the next episode of this. The next episode, yeah. And enjoy that. That's your daytime activity. Okay. Then at night, turn on Fusion. When the sun goes down, Fusion goes on. That's right. Not fuse.

Fusion, or you can watch it on Apple TV, on the Fusion app there. How do you do it on Apple TV? Because they have an app that is- There's a Fusion channel now on Apple TV. And you can just watch this stuff for free, huh? You can watch this stuff for free. There's no login or sign- You don't have to fucking have cable. Wow. Yeah. You just have an Apple TV. It's just there. This is great news. Because I tried to watch your show, and I have most channels, but for some reason I don't have Fusion.

And I've been stymied up to this point. Well, you can catch up on- But I do have an Apple TV. You can catch up on the first two seasons. They're all up there. Oh, good. And then we're just a couple episodes into the new season. That is good news. Yeah. It's real good news. But it's our year-end special. We're looking back at the year that was. Ooh, baby. Me and a bunch of puppets. Love it. And you are not a puppet. Am I not? No.

All right. We're going to be back on Thursday, Christmas Day. Thank you to Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you. And we will see you then. All right. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Thanks for listening to the show. Join the direct-to-consumer wine revolution this holiday season and let Club W deliver you excellent small-lot wines at an affordable price. You're not going to get these anywhere else, and you'll get a better deal than at your local retailer. Go to clubw.com slash bangbang. You'll get a bottle on the house with your first order. That's clubw.com slash bangbang. To get started, let our friends at Club W buy you a bottle. Here we go.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com. The wolf dead.

Want to hear Earwolf pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

Just search for Earwolf Presents in your podcast app and subscribe so you don't miss an update. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

I eat food. Yeah, I admit it. I don't go a day without eating some food. I usually throw a little water in there as well, drink that stuff. But, you know, maybe you never skip leg day. You know, there's stuff that's important to us. Well, you probably shouldn't skip therapy day either when your schedule's packed.

You have kids' activities, big work projects. You know, it's easy to let those priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's still hard to make the time to actually do that stuff, right? But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

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