Best of 2014 Pt 2
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Happy holidays to you and yours. Love, Grandma.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That's a good catchphrase. Thanks to Steve H. for that. Steve, I bet it's Steve Hennell. Is that maybe? No, I'm sure it is. Why wouldn't it be? I don't know. Just guessing at people's last names? I bet it is. I don't know. I bet it is. Why wouldn't it? Welcome to the show. Oh, thanks. Scott Aukerman here. Merry Christmas to you all. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. And I have, of course. I'm crying. I saw a murder.

Why do you say oh, oh, oh? No, I'm crying. Santa does sneak down our chimneys. I would imagine. How many murders do you think Santa has seen over the hundreds of years that he's done this? It never occurred to me that, of course, there's got to be. It just stands to reason. He has to have seen quite a few people taking shits. What does he do? Well, in their living room. He's sneaking down the chimney. You take a shit with your bathroom door open sometimes, don't you?

No. You never have? No. Well... If you're alone at the house, why close... A gentleman never tells. So I'm sure he's seen... That's a weird floor plan, though. There's...

There's your chimney, your fireplace, and then directly... Directly across. There's a direct line to your open bathroom. I'm sure there's some dude... And the toilet facing the door. He's taking a shit. All of a sudden, or the sudden. A sudden. No. It's all of a sudden. What's it mean? Who cares? It's not like couldn't care less. Good point. Why have language? No, but it's made up. Blue, blue, blue. You understand what I'm saying.

Look, I know you're a stickler for that, but that particular one is made up. Here's why I'm a stickler. It doesn't offend me that you say it incorrectly. I'm concerned for you sounding stupid. I have ever since it was brought to my attention that it was incorrect. And by the way, my parents say it, which is why I say it. Oh, I know. Apple didn't fall far from the tree. My parents were simple country folk. Yeah.

But ever since it was brought to my attention, I have to say 90% of the people say it the way I say it. I hear it all the time. Can I say you're the only person I know who says it that way? I hear it all the time. I bet you do. I'm attuned to it now. I bet you do. Who cares anyway? But suddenly I'm trying- Grigro. Gling-glang? Suddenly someone's taking a shit. Suddenly Santa- Oh yeah, let's get back to this for sure. Santa comes down the chimney and the guy on the toilet-

Bare ass naked. Probably goes, whoopsie. And then he's got to let one go. Plop. Splash. And there's Santa just staring him in the eyes. How many times must that have happened? You don't think Santa looks away? You don't think he goes, oh, I'm sorry. How many bicycles has he seen being put together by an angry dad going, God damn it. How do you put this thing together? Why wouldn't? So in this reality.

Santa is real, but the dad still has to buy and assemble the bike. Yeah, of course. Santa's in charge. Oh, he just oversees. Put that together. Why don't you get the instructions out?

And how many murders has he seen? Countless. Countless, because the holidays are a very electrically charged atmosphere. That's right. A lot of emotions. You know, that's why there's so many suicides. Christmas, I think, is the biggest murder day. Well, Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve, yeah, exactly. I think, well...

Between the hours of 10 p.m. Christmas Eve and 4 a.m. Christmas Day, there are more murders per capita than any day. So last night, a ton of murders. Yeah. So hope you didn't wake up dead. We're lucky to be alive. We are. Pew! Pew! By the way, I'm shooting a gun at you. Pew! Pew! Oh, I thought you were trying to communicate with the language that doesn't matter. Pew! Pew! Hey, come on, Paul. Ha ha! Ha ha!

Welcome to the show. Scott Aukerman here. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hello, I'm also here. My guest of honor over the next, over all these four best of episodes. And we're counting down your top 15 episodes of the year, the ones that you voted on. These are your favorites. And on this episode, we're going to count down 11 through 8. 11 through 8. The golden mean, as they used to call it. Really? What does that mean? Oh, you know.

It's like if you have – if you go from 11 and you count backwards to 8, you stop there. That's the golden mean. The golden mean. So over the next three episodes – From Harry Potter. Oh, certainly. Harry Potter days. From Harry Potter days. Over the next three episodes, we're going to be counting down a baker's dozen of your favorite episodes of 2014 of Comedy Bang Bang and I cannot wait –

To tell you what you have in store, what you're going to listen to. I don't know. I'm going to wait, though. Paul, we had a great time listening to our last episodes to catch people up. We turned it, Scott! 15 was Little Button Puss.

14 was their twins Jonah with, of course, Victor and Tiny. Number 13 was live from Riot LA with JW Stillwater. And number 12 was the Calvins twins with Taron Killam and Paul Britton. Here's what people don't realize, that you and I, in advance of these best of episodes –

We get together and we spend a weekend and we listen to all of the episodes. All 60 or so. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And we don't sleep. We don't take any breaks. Nope. We don't take shits. Just power through. Don't take shits. Just all Red Bull. Just power through it. And we throw out all of your votes and we just vote on these ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do look at your votes. We find them interesting. But in the end, I mean, who would know better than you and I? Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

So let's get into it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Let's hear what our first episode is. This is, of course, episode 11. Number one. One. Episode 11. We're just bubbling under the top 10 here with this episode. It's exciting. And we had a newcomer to the show this year named a very funny comedian. Comedian.

uh, named Claudio Doherty. And, uh, she is someone whose work I saw online and, uh, uh,

A couple people actually, interestingly enough, brought her to my attention within two days of each other. Two people told me about her and said, hey, you ought to have her on the show. I looked her up online and I loved her stuff. And so she's made quite a mark on the episodes this year. She was hilarious. She fit in right away. I'm going to say this is a grepisode. Thank you so much. As we established last episode, last grepisode. Yeah. That is, of course, a great episode. Yeah.

This is episode 309, Tony Macaroni. Now, in a previous episode, Claudia established her character, which is – and I say that in quotes because it's very thinly veiled. Yeah. She shares a name with this character. Shares a name and a home country. And a lot of backstory. A lot of details, yeah. But –

I want to tell you a little bit about her backstory just because we don't really get into it in this clip. But Claudia has played a contest winner who won a contest to go to Universal Studios and also be on this program. And it's basically her mother in Australia has wanted to get her out of the house because she lives with her mother in Australia and has sent her to America to get her out of her hair. Now, previously, before this clip...

Claudia has talked about her new book, which is based on a very thinly – it's a Romana Clef based on a very thinly veiled characterization of her mother. The book is about a 43-year-old woman dating a 15-year-old boy, Tony Pepperoni. And we find out that this is based on her real mom and her mom's real boyfriend, Tony Macaroni. So –

She has tried to disguise the name. Sure. So then the book is called Tony Pepperoni, I believe. Yeah.

And so we've talked a lot about that. Now, I should say Jimmy Pardo of the Never Not Funny podcast is in this episode, and he's himself. And Nick Kroll was on the episode earlier. He has to leave. And when we pick up this episode, it's Jimmy Pardo, Claudio Doherty, and myself. And then a new person comes in. And so let's hear that. This is episode 309, Tony Macaroni. Number one, one.

We have to get to our next guest. Of course, Nick Kroll had to take off, but we have a wonderful guest. He's a fellow... An Aussie. Aussie. I can't believe you're here. This is it. Yes. Claudia, it's a pleasure to be here. Oh, my God. We have... Of course, he's an Australian actor. You've seen him here in the States with his syndicated shows. R. Schrift is here. That's right, Scott. Hello. Wow. How are you?

Wow. To me, Ash Rift. Oh, my God. This is amazing. Wonderful to see him. You know his work. I have been watching him since I was six years old. Every Saturday night, 6.30, everyone sits down to watch Ash Rift. What happened when you were six? What made the change? Why did you start watching him? Well, the programs were a little risque.

Yeah. And so it's six. Not suitable for a five-year-old, but on your sixth birthday. But six is okay? Every time before we'd start airing, I'd scream right in the camera. There's a child in this room. It's a boy six years old. Send him away.

Yeah. And away I would trot. But now, but then I was six and then I could watch. And I love, I love what you do. I'm so excited to meet you. What are some of your shows, if I may ask, Arshreef? Because I'm not that familiar. Jimmy, do you know this? I am not familiar with Arshreef's work, but I look forward to hearing about it. Maybe I do know it and I don't know. Well, of course, I traveled to the U.S. real successfully. I was there.

Rocks and Roll. Wait, you traveled to the U.S. successfully? No, the show worked in the U.S. real well in the state. It's called Rocks and Roll. It's about a renegade geologist. Rocks and Roll. Oh, this is good. I haven't heard of it. It's so good. He doesn't take any S from anyone. Oh, very good. And I would doubt. Do you ever take any as a geologist? I mean, sometimes you can study it and carbon date it.

No, I didn't take any BS from anybody. I don't take it in my shows and I don't take it making my shows. I edit, direct, write, line produce, wrangle the animals, cast everything. I do every piece of machinery that goes into making that sausage sausage.

That tastes so delicious. What's your favorite job? Sizzle sausages. Sizzle sausages is your favorite job. Is that what it's called, Claudia? Sausage sizzle. Sausage sizzle. But I love how you flip that. Yeah, sizzle, that's what I'm known for.

Australia. Flip it a little bit. Flip the switch. Yeah. Flip the sausage, cook it all the way through. That's exactly right. Look how excited the Sheilas get around. So excited. Yeah. Wait, is that a metaphor for something, cooking a sausage all the way through? Is that a euphemism or something? For cooking? No, normally when one hears a sausage- See, this is what happens here. They're all pervets, you know? Yeah. They need control of the sexuality. Yeah.

So sorry. I mean, it's our American sense of humor, I guess. Do you find Americans funny? No. No, I get it. Oh, boy. I get it. Right here. You know who I think is funny? Who's that? Chris Mad Dog Russo. That guy's fantastic. You know, he was here earlier. Jimmy Mad Dog was here earlier. Not interested in Jimmy. You like Chris. That's right. I see. Love sports radio. You love American sports radio? I love it. What's your favorite sport, sir? My favorite sport is basketball.

Biscuit ball. Interesting. I've never heard about this. Biscuit ball. Michael Jordan. Instead of a basketball, you have a biscuit.

Yeah, that's Australian rules, biscuit ball. What do you think of Bisquick? You like that as a quick way to make a biscuit? It's really quick, isn't it? It really is, and it's just as delicious. Making biscuits is so time-consuming. When that product came around... Why are you sponsored by Bisquick now? A to Z and Bisquick have put a lot of money into this show. We've got to force in some references. But I do when I'm out in the outback. How often are you in the outback? Two to three months a year.

In the hot months. Consecutively? The hot months. The hot months. It's the best time to film. You can get the most Diddy Caddy crew. Yeah.

You've got to get a daddy category. The Outback restaurant, do you find that... Love it. Okay. Really, that's the one authentic part of Australia here in the States? Oh, it's like... No, it's different than Australian cuisine, but it's like eating Chinese food here in the States. It doesn't taste like Chinese food you'd eat over there in China. Sautéed cubes of fat and whatnot. No, here you've got chicken chow mein.

Okay, that's a good analogy. And that's what the Outback is. I love a blooming onion. Yeah. I'd never had one over there in Australia. They don't have onions in Australia? No, it's illegal to have an onion. The onion is illegal in Australia? Absolutely. Yeah, because what we would do is ferment them and throw them as bombs. And people died. Wow. Lots of people. Well, you know people die every day, though. I know, but these were healthy people.

And they were dying from the onion? Up until that point. Is that the problem? Oh, okay. When you said people died, I just wanted to say that. I think she's just suggesting people would be walking down the street and one of these Aussies would throw one of these onions at them and kill them. I just want to be clear, though, that not every person who dies...

Is because there's an onion being thrown at them. From what I can tell from what she said, most of them do die by the onion. Can you prove that that's not true? I've been reading a lot of facts on a lot of websites that Ebola's being transported across boundaries by the onion. You have such an authentic accent. What part of Australia are you from? Brisbane. Oh, very good. Obviously. Obviously, he's such a Brisbane man. Is that your only TV show, this rocks and roll? He's got so many. Dentist the Mentalist.

Dentist the Mentalist. And Man-sheen. Man-sheen. Man-sheen. Pat Man, Pat Machine, all justice. Describe Dentist the Mentalist. He's a dentist who happens to be a mentalist? He was a dentist who was... He was a cop.

Okay. He's a hand-charging cop. Okay. He was stung by a bee and he was brought in. Now, that's men-sheen. Sorry. You're confusing them? He's got a lot of shows, Scott. Dentist the Mentalist went in for a simple procedure. He was given gas and sent under and

Was he a dentist? But he's a dentist. He was not a dentist, but he was just a patient. Oh, okay. And when they brought him back to life... He came back as a dentist. He came back with mental powers that would help you decide if you needed a cavity or something. So the titular dentist is just in one scene of his origin story in the very first episode? He's been crucified with the power. He's been... Who's this guy?

It's not his fault. Exactly. So wait, I just want to be clear. He is not a dentist. He's not a dentist, but he's been... He was operated on by one. Against his own will, he has the power of mental capability...

Capability. Then why call a dentist the mentalist? Because it's like dentist dot dot dot. So that's like dentist. We're in a dentist's office. She understands. She's a writer. She's a writer. I'm a writer. You two, you're all vammal. You don't understand the written word. They're vammal. The usual suspects over here. Verbal. Love that movie.

Do you really? Yeah, did a TV show of it in Australia. What's your favorite song? My favorite song? Yep. The National Anthem. Wait, that was what I said. Of Australia. Oh! Shall we sing it together? Please do. Australians, oh let us rejoice.

We are young and free. The end. The end. Wow. Short. That's right. Get to that game. Because you've got to get back to living life as an Australian. Exactly. Playing Australian rules. Biscuit ball. Biscuit ball. Yeah. Oh, you sing this before biscuit ball. That's right. And after. Yeah.

And after. What we do is we have a whole lot, you know, we're asking you calling a raccoon later. I'd ask Claudia what that was. Yeah, we don't have raccoons. But after understanding what it is, we call them rubbish burglars. Rubbish burglars.

You wouldn't call it by its name the raccoon. No, you call it what it does. Oh, that's how it works down there. So you should hear what we call cats. Yeah. Little ass lickers. Ass lickers. I think that you can call any animal an ass licker. You really could. Not the way a cat does it.

Or however you call it. I mean, a cat. What is that? A cat. I mean, yeah, you make a good point. Look at how beautiful Siamese is. A cat doesn't actually perform a cat action or anything. You're right. Yeah. What about meowing? You should call a cat a meow. Hmm.

Yeah. What would you call a dog? A bark or, you know? A rollie. Why do we call the- We call them rollies. Why do we call the skin of trees bark? That's a great question. You know what I mean? Call it tree skin. I don't know. It seems- I'm lost. I don't understand. I don't know where we are. You have trees and all. Don't act like you don't have trees. We have trees. That's what they do.

What? Pardon? That's what a tree does. I understand that. Okay, I get that. Trees around. So now why are you here? You've never seen a rubbish bagel hiding in a tree? Yes, of course I have. See those little spackly little eyes? Mm-hmm. Ready to bagel your rubbish. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That's why you have to protect your rubbish. And you put it in a can of some sort? Is that what you guys do? Same thing down there? What do we care if raccoons steal the rubbish? You know what I mean? Why does that bother us? It's like it's going out anyway. I have another TV show I did. What's that? Called Lace Dentura Rubbish Bagel and Detective. Race...

No, Lace Ventura. Lace Ventura. Rubbish burglar detective. And what does Lace do? Or is Lace even a person? Is this someone like dentist? There's actually a full stop or a period between each word. Oh, okay. Lace. What about a period in... Ventura. He's a sexy lingerie model who lives on Ventura Boulevard. Yeah. And every night...

He goes out and makes sure that all those rubbish baglers are staying put and not stealing rubbish. He shoes them away. Wait, he shoes them or he wants them to stay put? I'm getting two different answers here. He's like, stay away from the rubbish. He shoes them away. He shoes them away with his shoes made out of lace. With his shoes? Yeah. He's got little lace boots. Little lace boots? Little booties? Yeah, little lace booties. Is that ever explained why he wears those? He's got a trusted roller. He goes with them everywhere. Yeah.

He's got his rollie. What's the lace booty explanation? They're just really nice. Oh, they're nice. Oh, so if anyone ever asks him, he's like, I don't like booties. It pines him every time he has to throw in a rubbish bag like it's another pair of lace booties down the tubes. Yeah.

And they're so expensive. Does he buy them one at a time or does he buy them in bulk? He buys them one at a time, which is not sensible, but he's not a sensible guy. Oh, that's part of his character. He's a great guy. Sure. And we should be grateful for what he does. A lot of heart in the show. Get rid of all the rubbish burgers. He's the best, but he's not sensible at all. Okay, very good. He's not in control of his life. Claudia's very invested in my programs. I'm a big fan. I am a big fan. How many episodes of this show have you seen? 900. 900? We did 900 of each series. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. When I got to 900, I said, there are no new stories to tell. But there were 900 new stories previous to that. We got a little, we got a little, you know. No, I don't. 835. Oh. Every one of his characters from his shows goes to prison for three seasons. Okay, wow. Speaking of prison, my favorite soap opera of all time is Prisoner's Cell Black Age, which was from Australia. Did you have anything to do with that, sir?

Did he ever? I was the line producer on that. Is that right? You got your start there. That's right. Is that why you do everything on your show? Because you started off... Look, if you know how to do line producing, and you've got the chops as an actor, and you know how to direct a crew...

Well, God damn it, why don't you do it all? That's right. You can get paid for each of those jobs, right? That's right. Non-union. You don't believe in unions, do you? I won't let myself unionize. But he has got a show about someone who runs a union. That's right, yeah. Onion. That's very conflicting. It's an onion union. What's the name of that show? I thought onions were illegal.

Well, it's a very subversive show. It's called Larry Petunia Onion Union. Wow. Larry Petunia Onion Union. So he is a union? He's a one-man union. Okay. And he's out to get a fair wage for growing onions. But you don't believe in unionizing yourself. So was this conflicting for you to star in this project? It was a story I had to tell.

Over 900 episodes. Over 900? How many? No, over the course of 900 episodes. Oh, I see. But he didn't, he had to pay the price. He went to prison. Yeah, for three years for unionizing those. Every one of my characters has gone to prison. Why is that? Because you can't show struggle.

Don't get in prison. Are you all right? I mean, I'm offended because we've been talking about being Aussies and the show Oz. Yeah. Ripped. Said him. Ripped. And, you know, Australians are all, it's a prison continent. Yes. So is that why they're... What I'm saying is it was based on my show called Ripped, which was about a bunch of Australian surfers who were in jail. Yeah. In the ocean. Yeah, ripped, ripped, ripped. Wait, in ocean jail? Ocean jail. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, so were they, let me ask you, were their cells, were they, was the water. The eels were the prison gas. And in their cells were. And the prison bars. Yes. Was the water up to like mid height on them? Dependent on the size of the wave. Oh my goodness. So sometimes. They were right in the wave. So it's very splashy. This is amazing. Do you have a new project coming up though? Is that why you're here? To talk about your new show? I'm here to talk about my new show. Really? Yeah. It's called Tony Macaroni. Tony what? Wait a minute. You're optioning this? What? I'm not.

I'd like to talk to Claudia about auctioning the rights to her book.

Knocking it into a TV show. Wow. Wow. Wow. My goodness. I am honored, and I'm so glad I came here today. Thank you to my mom for sending me here today. Tony Macaroni is her real mom's real friend. Right. Tony Pepperoni. Tony Pepperoni is the character. Right. Yes, but you want to do Tony Macaroni? I want to tell the true story of Tony Macaroni. Well, Tony Macaroni did sign over his life rights to me. Oh, he did? He did. Why would he do something like that? He's...

so dumb. He's 15, so he doesn't really understand. So I'd be happy to talk to you about selling this. This is very exciting. He's my only name. I want to do it as I adapt this. So instead of it being a 43-year-old woman, it's a 52-year-old man. And a 15-year-old boy? Yes. And you play the 15-year-old boy? Yes. You play both of them? Yes. And you have a lot of love scenes? Yes. Okay.

Okay. I'm not sure why. Leave it to me. I know I've got a green screen and I know how to do green screen. I can do it all. Will you go to prison, both of you, or just one of you? One goes to juvenile prison and one goes to grown-up guy prison. Grown-up guy prison? Seasons four is the tunnel that we dig towards each other. Oh, that's nice. Is juvenile prison unisex? Is that why you didn't? Yes. Okay. Very good.

Oh my goodness. Where is Arnold Schwarzenegger going to fit into your project? He's the eel. Wait, this is in an ocean jail as well? Yeah, I can see that for this story. Is it going to be CGI? You put his little face on an eel? We're going to have him do a total body transformation. I see. I got Christian Bale's guy. Okay. And he's going to turn into an eel. So he's going to lose weight, I guess. He's going to lose weight in all the right places. I know. His legs sewn together.

Yes. His legs sewn together. And his arms sewn to his body. Jesus, that's a lot of work for a role. While he's passionate about the work. And how many lines does he have per episode? It's the golden age of television. He has three lines. Over the course of 900 episodes? Yeah. Why would he do this show? Why would he agree to that? Each episode. Ready? Here's the line. He'll be back.

Okay. Okay. All right. Very good. This is where I get off this bit bus, I feel like. All right, we're getting off the bit bus. Is that the tour? Is that part of the tour of Universal Studios? I can only imagine so. Number one, one.

All right. Episode 11 on your countdown. That, of course, was Nick Kroll playing R. Shrift, his Australian character. I loved how – Claudia was so – Claudia, who is Australian, is so –

so delighted by every reference that Nick was making, like egging him on and throwing in more stuff and throwing more stuff at more Australian stuff at him. It was so enjoyable to listen to. Yeah, that's a great one. And I loved how Nick picked Tony Macaroni.

He picked Tony Macaroni, which is the fictional thing. Yeah. When he meant Tony Pepperoni, but we still kept going with it. Very fun. That is episode 11. And thanks to all them. We need to take a break. When we come back, we will crack the top 10. Hey, everyone. Remember this last year when I did a few shh?

shows, comedy bang-bang shows out on the road. You couldn't be there or they were sold out. You heard about them. They were legendary shows. Well, happy holidays because now you can buy the full recording of the tour available in the Earwolf store right now. I have four shows available.

They're hilarious. They include stops at the Festival Supreme here in L.A., New York City, and Chicago. You can join me and special guests Paul F. Tompkins, Zach Galifianakis, Adam Scott, Bobby Moynihan as Forval, Lauren Lapkus, James Adomian, Horatio Sands, Jason Manzoukas, and Todd Berry on this Comedy Bang Bang extravaganza. Each live recording...

is available individually for $2.99, or I believe they're all in a set for $9, all four. That's pretty good. So thanks for listening and hope you enjoy those. I hear the New York and the LA ones are especially good.

Hey, welcome back. Comedy Bang Bang. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins, and this is exciting. We're getting into the top 10 episodes of the year. We officially, right now. Officially. We're cracking the top 10. 11 through 15. All worthy and all could have been in the top 10, but they weren't voted. But you know what, man? I mean, if you're not in the top 10, you might as well be living on that garbage island in the ocean. Living on garbage. On garbage island.

In the middle of the ocean. Out by the sea. Down by the sea. Yeah, the ocean's down by the sea. Some of them are. Yeah, some of them are. Yep. The Indian Ocean. Sure. Dead Sea. And the Sea of Tranquility. Oh, moon times.

Okay, let's get to it. This is, on your countdown, this is number 10. Number 10. Number 10 indeed. And this is a very interesting episode. This is, I would say this came out in, in fact, I know it came out in February. I believe February 17th or so. This is an episode number 272. This is an episode entitled Sex Party Season. Ah, dear to my heart. Ah, yes. This is, of course, our good friend,

Gillian Jacobs from Community. And Miss Divine Decadence herself. Gilly. Sorry. She made her one and only appearance this year.

Her schedule blew up this year. She normally makes two, three perhaps. Yeah, that's true. But her schedule got very, very busy. She had Communité. She had I think a couple movies that she did, right? Yeah, she had a lot of stuff going on this year. We tried to get her back after this, but hopefully we'll have her on a few more times in 2015. This is her one appearance, and this episode is notable for the –

inaugural appearance of another person who's made a couple appearances on the show this year. That is, of course, director Len Wiseman. Director of the Underworld Pictures. The Underworld franchise. That's right. Now, I've heard of a subway franchise. Oh. What were you singing? Like These Eyes. Oh, what about? That's like a little song. He's got franchise. No. Like Betty Davis Eyes. No, I was doing it like, I forget who sang that song. Guess who? Who?

I can't guess. I don't know it. I've already said I don't know it. You don't know These Eyes by the Guess Who? I don't. These eyes. It's like that, but I put the word franchise in there. Hey, 19. The Quero Gold.

That song is sickening. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Do you think Steely Dan knew they were disgusting or were they just like honestly singing about what they were going through? That's a real question for the ages. Did Steely Dan know they were disgusting? I don't think that they did.

I don't know. But I do think that they realized it later and didn't care. Hey, let's win a Grammy in 20 years for a record that we... Oh, hey, we're disgusting. So what? Oogies. Shrug. Hey, Steely. Yeah, Dan? Let's get together and make some tunes. Yeah, all right. Let's call each other Dan Steely. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I am. Let's be disgusting all over again. The curve of gold. The curve of gold.

When they sing about the fine Colombian, are they talking about cocaine? Yeah, they are. Oh, the finer things in life. We're going to have some tequila, a cocaine party. And then I'm going to fuck a 19-year-old and not relate to her. Yeah. Anyway, that's what that song is about. She doesn't know Aretha Franklin. Anyway. Anyway, this is sex party season and Len Wiseman...

Okay, let me explain what's happening. If you've been listening to the show over the past few years, Gillian Jacobs has a long, tortuous relationship with director Gary Marshall. It's on again, off again. Director and creator of Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy. And you met him this year. Yes, I did. I've seen the picture, but where did you meet him? I met him at- Oh, sound effects. Oh, okay.

Track 14? Track 14, I believe. Let's hear a little bit of track 11, though. Oh, sure. You want to hear track 11? Yeah, play a little 11 if you would. Oh, that's track 14 mixed with track 11. It's a mashup. Very nice. I think we're almost there. I want to listen back to this later, but I think that might be... So 15 tracks sound effect record? That might be the definitive track 11. That might be, yeah. No, just track 11 I'm talking about. We still have those other tracks. We're trying to make 99 on this CD. Yeah, that's right. We're only up to 15.

So where did you meet Gary Marshall? At a table read for the animated Netflix program Bojack Horseman. Of which you are a cast member. Of which I am a cast member. Fantastic. And he was there. I did not know he was going to be there until the morning of. He did not create this one. So he goes ahead and he appears on shows he did not create. Yeah. Very magnanimous of him. This one, Louie. That one about trying to find good directors, the reality show.

The Janet Carney was a cast member? The lot. The lot. Right? Yeah, that was it. I think it was called the lot. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Now, you met him. He appeared on the show. Is that what it was? Yes, he was doing a voice on the show. And you found out about him. I found out that morning he was going to be there, and I was really nervous about it. Because? I didn't know if someone – because let's face it. Let's be honest here. Let's be honest. Gary Marshall is one of your beloved characters. He's one of my beloved characters. I love him. And so I thought someone would –

have told him that I do this. Yeah, or might let it slip in front of him. Yes, like on purpose to embarrass me. Yeah, or said, oh, by the way, Paul does an impression of you. Yes. And then all of a sudden, all of A said, whatever. You have to do it. All of a gree-grew. No one did that. Thankfully. And afterwards... I would have if I were there. He was... Of course you would have. He was hilarious at the table read. Yep. It was... He was perfect. Because a lot of people...

You know, sometimes you see people at these things and you think, oh, it's just reading. It's not that difficult. Like you don't have to even get full performance, but – Vowels, consonants, just do them in order. Yes, exactly. Some people are not good at table reads. They don't do a good job. They don't get like where emphasis should go. Sure. Things like that. Very flat. Yeah. If like a word is underlined, that means you're supposed to emphasize that word. I guess so. I don't like being told what to do. Okay, Christopher Walken. Yeah.

So he was great. He was hilarious. And afterwards, I thought I got to get a picture with him. You got to. Because I am a genuine fan of him as a guy. First of all, all those TV shows meant the world to me when I was a kid. Oh, of course. Yeah. The world to me. I met Henry Winkler recently, and I didn't get a chance to tell him how much I –

loved Happy Days. But you know who I did get a chance to tell was Robin Williams. He and I did a show together a few years back. And during the show, because we were all supposed... It was Jeff Garland's show, Combo Platter. We were all supposed to...

tell stories based upon a word from the audience. One of the words led me into talking about Mork and Mindy and the... Was the word Mork? It may have been. It was something like that where it was, hey, Robin Williams is doing the show. Let's say something that's like... Shazbot. Yeah, it was Shazbot. And I said, please, sir, language. Language.

But I got to tell the story of how I watched that Happy Days episode where Mork was introduced and how much it meant to me and how the entire next day while I was doing errands with my mom, I was recounting detail, every single detail of what happened in that episode because she hadn't seen it. Remember when you used to do that with your parents? Yeah. It was so exciting. Every movie you saw. Describe what you just saw. Yeah. In detail. In detail.

And my mother was very –

Just encourage that all the time, which I can't believe. How boring must that have been for her? But to hear a little kid tell – That's very sweet. It probably took longer than watching the actual 22-minute or 23-minute episode. For sure. So I remember doing this all throughout all of our errands and we ended up in a hardware store and I finally told the last few elements of the story in the checkout line and the checkout woman who –

As I remember, it was an old woman, but I bet she was 30. This withered old crone. She smiled at my mom and me and said, sounds like someone saw Happy Days last night. But I just remember that so much and that show meant the world to me. And so I told that story.

And Robin Williams, kind of in a shy way, and I had met him a few times up to this point and never had incredibly long discussions with him. But he just was sort of said, oh, I'm sorry. Like he was embarrassed that –

about morgan minty or something but it was just it was very it was very kind and and uh and then there's a picture of him with his hand on my knee as we were sitting next to each other like he reached over to pat me but it looks like he has he just has his hand on my knee but anyway and now uh uh of course that happened in this year of course uh the uh story about him i don't know why i'm bringing it up but it was i choose to remember the good times

Did you think that there were people listening to this going like, does he know? Does he know? Paul should tell him. No, but Robin was a great guy. Yeah, he was. In any case, why did we start talking about that? Oh, Gary Marshall. Gary Marshall, yeah. So I went up and I asked him for a picture and he was – he's like – Of course, son. He's like, sure, we could do a selfie, whatever you want. He said selfie. It killed me.

And then he told me, he told me like, I'm wearing my red sweater because I'm going to a Christmas party in Burbank later on. So the sweater needed explanation. Like I wouldn't normally wear a sweater. Was it that color? Was it a sweater in general? Maybe. I felt like he wanted to explain like I'm a little dressed up. Okay. Because I'm going to a party. Right.

I don't know. I think he was just making small talk with me until the picture was done. But he was very sweet and he was very complimentary. And he was exactly the way I've always imagined him to be. Him in Lost in America. One of the greatest scenes. Like Santy Claus. The Desert Inn has heart. The Desert Inn has heart. Our conversation is over. Who is that? I'm just trying to do your impression of him.

In any case, so Gillian Jacobs over the past few years has had a – the storyline with your characterization of Gary Marshall is they've been married. By the way, it's wound up on Gary Marshall's actual Wikipedia page several times that he's married to Gillian Jacobs. And she always retweets it. I know. She enjoys this very much. I find that sort of thing amusing, but I do not condone it. Yes.

Because people do it to my page all the time. Yes, it's been done to me as well. But in any case, so... In any case... Previous to this...

We had been taught, Gillian and Gary had been talking about their marriage, and Gillian is a gold digger when she comes on the show, and she's married Gary for his money. Weird choice that she's made. And so we had just gotten done talking about that, and then Len Wiseman, director of the Underworld franchise, comes in. This is episode number 10 on our top 10 sex party season. Number 10.

Seriously, are you in bad shape? What's going on with your credit? I need your money. Hey, you know what? I think I have a solution to this. What? I love my wife, Barbara. We're going to be together forever, whether it's on this plane, in another dimension, or American heaven. Stop rubbing it in my face. But if you like film directors with a lot of money, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. I'm going to go get him. Hold on. Oh, okay. Oh, this is exciting. Hey, come on in.

Oh, someone else is coming on the show. Who's this? Sit down here. Here we go. I don't know this person. Who is this? Oh, hello. How's it going, everyone? Nice to see you. Oh, hello, sir. How do you do? Hi. Oh, look at you. You're a lovely little thing. Oh, thank you very much. I don't know this guy. This is my friend Len. Len Wiseman. He's the director of the Underworld Pictures. Oh!

That's right. Cole and Wiseman. Have you seen them, the underworld pictures? I can't say that I have. Oh! But I won't say that I haven't. Listen, well, that's very diplomatic. I like you. They're very exciting pictures about a war between vampires and werewolves. They hate each other. Oh, okay. And they're trying to kill each other all the time. So, uh...

Has a vampire and a werewolf ever mated and created some sort of half-breed in this? Oh, good question. It's funny that you mention that because that's exactly what happened. That's what I would have happen if I were writing. Right? Everyone wants to see it. You see them and they're so dark and mysterious. You saw the sex? Yeah. One of the movies just hardcore sex between a vampire and a werewolf? The director's cut. And I'm the director. Oh! But there's a lot of... And the director's cut, which you can get on DVD. I think it's on Blu-ray. Okay.

There's a lot of hardcore vampire and lycan. That's what we call them. What's a lycan? A lycan's a werewolf, but we tried to fancy it up a little bit. Oh, okay. It's kind of weird to say werewolf the whole time. Werewolf? Werewolf? Werewolf? Werewolf. Why is that weird? Now, why is that weird? Because we were approaching it from a place of, let's make it sound, you know, so sexy. It's like a sexy...

A lichen. Look out. Look out. It's a lichen. What are they capable of? I don't even know. Yeah, but isn't that confusing for the audience if they don't know what a lichen is? Well, that's the thing. We tried to make it less confusing because we said werewolf. We had it. We were afraid that people were going to picture Lon Chaney Jr. He's wearing the sleeveless T-shirt and slacks.

And he's hairy. Or Michael Landon. Michael Landon from I Was a Teenaged Werewolf. I looked up all the werewolf pictures. Is it teenaged or teenage? You might be right. But he was teenaged. He was the age of a teen as well. Yeah, that's right. So anyway, Gary and I met each other at a DGA fundraiser. What were you raising money for? The DGA. Okay. It's nice to have money. Sure. Seems like the dues would cover that. Wait, how's your...

a health care plan, DGA? Oh, it's the best one. Something wrong with your health? If you marry someone, do they get to be on your DGA health plan? Oh, yes, they do. Interesting. Are you okay? Interesting.

I've got a variety of illnesses, maladies. Mostly mental. Listen, the reason I invited Len down here is I thought maybe you two would get along. Gary told me that he knew a hot little number who was single and looking to mingle. And I said, let me in there. I just feel a little strange about this because... Why is that, hon? Well, I had no problem trying to kill Barbara Marshall, but...

But I don't want to kill Kate Beckinsale. Oh, wait. Are you married to Kate Beckinsale? I guess you could say I'm married to Kate Beckinsale. Yeah, she's kind of my wife. You're what?

My wife. Okay. So... Yeah, we do wife and husband things. We hang out together. Your wife. We spend time... My wife. Yeah, we spend time at home. Your wife. She's my wife. We spend time at home. You know what we like to do? Your wife. We like to watch television together. Oh. That's... I'm into that. One of our favorite shows. I don't know if you've seen it. No. It's about a small town in Texas. High school football is the big attraction there. Yeah, I'm drawing a blank. Wait, Under the Dome. Under the Dome.

No, I don't think that's about high school football. Intelligence. Not intelligence. That's about a guy with a computer head. Under the Dome has so many characters in it that conceivably some of them have played high school football. Well, you could say that about literally anything written since the invention of high school football. So that, I think, is casting too wide a net. When was the invention of high school football? 1620. Oh, interesting. When the Pilgrims landed at the University of New York.

They immediately set up a touch game. They said, okay, kids, here's what we want you to do. Buckle your hats up real tight, start running at each other, fight over a ball. We want some of you to have concussions by the end of the day. That's right. Wow. I don't know what this show is. Oh, it's called Friday Night Lights. I don't... Friday Night Lights it's called. What's the matter? I feel like you're trying to say something. What's going on with you? What's happening? You got a tick? Spin it up, son. What's happening? Ah!

What's with this guy? I don't know. He's a lunatic. I'm right. Nightlight. Sorry. That was a strange thing to bear witness to. Oh, boy. I am really sorry. You seem like you have mental illness. I don't know what- Do you? Sort of. Yeah. All right. I think Gilly and I may share some of that. We all do. Look, we're all in a crazy business. We're all a little nutty. Not me. Not me.

I'm a sane person. I just... Okay, Len, let me ask you this. Ask me anything because I'm an open book hunter. Call him Mr. Wiseman. Okay, Mr. Wiseman. No, don't call me Len. Okay, Len. Oh, I like the way you say it. Is that short for lentil? Yes, that's right. Lentil Wiseman from Fremont, California. All right, lentil. I know that the Underworld Pictures...

Have been very successful. Hugely successful. Everyone loved them. Great. Loved? Loved. So after the first... Well, there's more coming. Don't worry. I'm not done with the underworld verse. Here's my question, though. Okay. Do you have profit participation in the franchise? Oh, yes. Of course I do. So how many points do you have? All of them. You have all of the points. The studio takes the net profit. Okay. Okay.

And I get the gross. Okay. I get points on everything. You get the gross profit of the movie? That's right. And I give the studio the net profit. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It all goes through me. So it goes to you first and then you, okay. The check for the box office gross. It just goes right to you. Goes right to me. So everyone who owns a movie theater has to write you a check? Not to my PO box. Not to my house. What's your PO box? Where's it located? It's 1620. Wait a minute.

You almost got me. Oh, okay. Well, you know. That was a close one. Woo!

Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, so I'm filthy rich. Got it. Now, what's the Kate Beckinsale situation? Yeah, what's going on with her? Well, you know, we're married, but she was married when I met her, and then she wasn't, and then she was married to me. So I'm saying things are fluid. There's an ebb and flow to life, and, you know, it's Hollywood, darling. You know what I'm saying? So would you be willing—okay, where do you live?

I live in Bel-Air. Oh, fuck. What's the matter? Is that where the P.O. box is? You almost got me again. It is. It is. Yeah, yeah. It is in Bel-Air. 16-something in Bel-Air and the Bel-Air Post Office. You know, I made a P.O. box map. It's like a treasure map, but instead of treasure, it's the P.O. box. Okay. Yeah. And if you get there, you can try to impersonate me and get the key to open it. Okay. But good luck.

Well, what if I talk like this? What? I mean, maybe. I feel like I'm listening to a mirror. Well, excuse me. Could I open up my P.O. box? Oh, now you're losing it. I'm Len Weisman. It started off pretty good. Ah, you know. But then you lost it to us. Hey, you know, I'll perfect it. I feel like, well, look, they are very security conscious at this P.O. box place. They are very security conscious. It's a mailboxes, et cetera. It's a mailboxes, et cetera. Yes. Do you even know Latin? Yes.

Latin? Latin? Etcetera is Latin. Etcetera?

Do tell. This is starting to get insulting. Okay. Because you're just doing me to me. Okay, well, I'm going to get it. And I'll be out there at that mailboxes, et cetera. It helps to look like the person, too. You can't just show up and sound like the person. Describe yourself. Oh, I'm very handsome. Very handsome. Thank you. Very handsome. Is that important to you, Gilly? No, it's not, obviously. And I'm not an elderly man, either. I'm in my 40s. I'm a good-looking guy. He's not going to die soon. But I know. Good-looking guy, beautiful wife.

Can I ask you a question? Are you by any chance from another dimension? Well, I mean, if you consider going to Cupertino High School another dimension, then yes. Bravo, sir. Thank you. Bravo. I like to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like to have fun with murder?

Oh, I guess that depends. I mean, what did you have in mind? Well, okay. Are we talking about a naughty game? Could be. Hold on a second. Len, could you put on earmuffs for a second? Oh, sure. Like not listen to your talk? Yeah, and Gary, you put them on either. Whatever! What's your game here? You trying to get Len to murder Gary? No, I was thinking more. Well, yeah, that would actually work better. That's a lot more money.

Who do you think has more money, Gary Marshall or Kate Beckinsale? Wow, this is kind of a toss-up for me. I don't know. This is hard to gauge. Can you go on your phone and look up people's net worth? Oh, yeah, there is. Okay, here. Let me go on my phone. Because I was thinking, okay, we could kill Kate Beckinsale. Because then he would probably inherit all of her money. Oh, my God, Gillian. What? You're not going to believe this. What? It's a tie. It's a tie? They have exactly the same amount of money. How do I pick? How does one pick? Okay.

Should we flip a goat? Are you asking if we should masturbate a goat? Flip a goat. Yeah. Yeah, flip a goat. Hey, I heard that last exchange. I don't know which made less sense.

Wait, does flip a goat mean masturbate? I guess. What is that? In your crazy, demented, sick, twisted mind. Look, it could mean whatever you want it to mean. I meant. We're all artists, right? Sandwich artists. Crazy time. Are you a sandwich artist? I am a sandwich artist. That was the part of the story that I did not say. What story? Never mind. Can I say something? Yes, do. As a rich person. Thank you.

It's not all it's cracked up to be. No. Have you heard the expression, mo' money, mo' problems? I don't believe I've ever heard that. Simply put, the more money you have, the more problems you're likely to have. When you say more, I kind of get it. But you're saying something differently. Well, it's a quaint vernacular. Mm-hmm.

Mo' money, Mo' problems. Like Mo Collins? Like Mo' Better Blues. Oh, okay. Or Mo' Rocker. Oh, I like Mo' Rocker. Who doesn't? CBS Sunday morning, forget about it. Here's what I do. We shoo all the sex party guests out of the house on Sunday morning. Getting ready for football. Getting ready for football. And then...

Me and KK, we sit there on the couch. KK? Yeah, Kate Beckinsale. Oh, okay. We snuggle together. We wait for that trumpet to sound. What does it mean? Gabriel's coming to destroy the earth? No. It means Charles Osgood's going to show up with his bow tie and tell us about some quaint stuff going on. Is there a prophecy that Gabriel's going to destroy the earth?

I've never heard that one before. I think it's that Gabriel's trumpet, when it blows, that means the beginning of the end time. Really? Is that correct? Didn't he show up and some city fell or something like that? That's Joshua. Oh, okay. That's from the Old Testament. Do you have a different trumpet? My people's book. We call it the Torah.

And Joshua blew the trumpet and brought down the walls of Jericho. Oh, sorry. I had a question. Sure. The first time you met Gary, did you think he was Italian? Yeah. Do you guys go to the same temple? No. I don't believe he's Jewish. He's an Italian man. Oh, okay. But I studied up on my directives. I know everything about every director. Ask me any question about a director. Any director? Any director from the beginning of film to the future. Who's the richest one? Gary Marshall. Wow. Wow.

Probably because he dabbled in so much TV. He's the richest living director. Oh, who's the richest dead? Sidney Pollack. Sidney Pollack? Yes. What? He discovered a diamond fountain. Oh, okay. No one else knew where it was. He'd periodically take these trips, and then he'd come back with just a duffel bag full of diamonds. Interesting. And he'd have parties, and we'd go over and watch them. We'd look at the diamonds. You'd just watch the diamonds? Yeah. He'd put them in a big pile, and we'd watch them. They're beautiful.

And then have a sex party. Okay. I was going to say. How long did the watching the diamonds take? Here's the thing. Well, it doesn't take long because there's something about looking at a big pile of diamonds glittering in the middle of a mansion living room. Okay. It just gets the old juices flowing. You just go out of your mind and then it's look out. I'm going to have sex with the person whoever's next. It's like a feeling of power.

Yeah, I'm going to go out on a limb. What doesn't get your juices flowing, Len? And when we're talking about juices, we're talking about semen, right? Yes. Blood is also a juice. Oh! Do you like to incorporate blood into your... Urine is also a juice. Let's name all the juices from the body we can. Mucus. Mucus. I guess booger juice.

Are they the same thing? They might be the same thing. Urine, semen, blood, spit, bile. Spittle. Bile. Oh, I like bile. Diarrhea. The jelly that's in your eyeballs. Oh, correct. What about the wax in your ears? Not a juice. What if you liquefied it? Saliva. If you liquefied anything, it could be a juice. That's true. I mean, that's what we learned by juices, right? You can make it into a juice. What about toe juice? Sweat.

Sweat is a juice. There we go. Thank you. You call sweat toe juice? Yep. It's the juice everyone forgets. A lot of people don't know that the foot is the sweatiest part of the body. That's why we wear socks, to collect that sweat and to disperse it. It's disgusting. I have an anti-foot fetish. Now look, I'm a very sensual person. Yeah, clearly. I think that's clear. You kept your boots on during...

Oh, I wouldn't want you to see my feet. It's disgusting. It's shameful. You were taking Bono's lyrics to heart there. Get on your boots. Yeah, I got them on and I left them on. Yeah. He didn't sing that, but it was implied. Leave on your boots. Who's that? What were we talking about? Oh, juices. Juices. Oh, milk, milk.

Lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made. There we go. But milk is a juice. Milk is a juice. What? Oh, yeah. Boobies. The body makes milk. Yeah. You were very confused by that for a long time. I forgot. Do you know what I was a little bit, too? I forgot. I forgot that boobs make milk. Have you ever had milk come out of one of your boobs? Nope. Will you ever? No.

No? No kids aren't in the future for you? I don't know. I mean, I really want to lock down my financial future before I consider having children. Very concerned with money. Listen, back to what I was saying. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Here's the secret to life, if I may. I'm not, you know, I don't have it all. I'm in my 40s, right? I don't have it all figured out. But I've lived long enough to know that it's all about enjoying life, doing what you love to do, having good friends, good family around you, sex parties, watching football.

And a good cup of coffee in the morning. That's great advice. It's not complicated, you know? Yeah, but don't you think I could get a better cup of coffee if I had money? Oh, no, of course you could get the best coffee. See? Exactly. Like the coffee that I have every morning, it would make you feel like you're having a sex party in your taste buds. Scott, come on.

Let's marry Len together. What? Oh, this is sudden. I've overcome. I don't know what to say. A three-way marriage? Yes. Are you proposing that we get married? I am. Once they started making gay marriage legal, I think anything goes. Oh, Scott. What? Slippery slope? You're invoking the slippery slope? Here's the slippery slope rule. Listen, I'm not going to marry any dogs. Okay. Hey, I have a horse, though. How about this? Because I don't...

I don't believe in the slippery slope argument. Here's what let's do. I'll marry you, sweetheart. Yes. You're hot as a pistol. I can't wait to get my hands on you again. You already did. Again, I said. Like a snub-nosed... We're already having fun fights. And then since I don't believe in the slippery slope, I'll marry you later in a secret ceremony. So I'll just be a bigamist. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Okay, back in sales.

Oh, I forgot I was married. KK. Well. KB Toys. Let me talk to a, oh, I call her that sometimes. How did you know? Oh, I just took a shot at it. And sometimes I call her my little giraffe because of the mascot of KB Toys. Well, I believe that's the giraffe from Toys R Us.

Oh, I didn't realize I was giving him a wrong pet name. Well, she has a very long neck, so maybe she's taking it as a compliment. She has a long, slender neck. She's lovely. Like a sexy giraffe. She's lovely. I call her the sexy giraffe. She's lovely. I think if there were any animal that I could have sex with, if I had to have... We'll just get that qualifier. Have you had some? If I had to have sex with an animal, let's just say that. Sure. But a giraffe. Why? Because those long necks, they're the most like a tall, beautiful model. Yeah.

Let me ask you this because you're onto something here. What's the biggest problem with sex is that you're getting into it, you're getting into crazy positions, and you lose that face-to-face intimacy sometimes. Not a problem with a giraffe because of the long necks. They can always be kissing, always be whispering in your ear, giraffe or I love you, whatever it is. I don't know if they even make noises. You think that a giraffe would say giraffe?

No, I'm saying giraffe like it's a language. The giraffe version of I love you. I thought that you were saying a giraffe would whisper in your ear, giraffe. Well, you know, certainly that would be a sign of acceptance, right? Yeah. If the giraffe addressed you as a giraffe, you'd feel like we've really made a connection here. Yeah, Gary often said his own name when we were intimate. I thought that's what you were supposed to do. You were supposed to remind the person that you're present, that you're part of this experience. And I would say, Gary Marshall. Gilly, can I ask?

Yeah. What did he ask you to call him during sex? He asked me to call him, please call me Gary. He asked to be called, please call me Gary? Yeah. That seems personal. I don't know why you're telling this guy this. Well, you're telling me that I don't have a shot with you. You will not take me to this other dimension. Gary, you're too uptight. Thank you. And you loosen up.

You guys are going to get married here. Yeah, I think so. I'm going to slip a Back Alley Sally style. Yeah, and then I'll have a private ceremony with you like David Geffen had with Keanu Reeves. Oops. What? That's an urban legend from a long time ago. You never heard that one? What? Hollywood lore. You know everything about any director. I do. I do. Even rumors and innuendos. Tell me about that guy who directed that train. This is my favorite film. The train coming right at the camera. Oh, Bertram Cummings? Yes. Yes.

Tell me something about him. I love that movie so much you don't hear a lot about that guy. He was 12 years old when he directed that film. Wow. Yes. But he had that weird disease that makes you look like you're 30. Okay. But then back then, anyone who was 30 looked like they were 80. So, you know, not so bad. Yeah. So not bad. Yeah.

Great. So, yeah, he directed that. He was in debt to the mafia. Bertram. Bertram Cummings. When he was 12 years old, in debt to the mafia. That's right. He had a crippling gambling addiction. Oh, okay. He gambled on hopscotch. Oh. And lost. Didn't have a talent for the game, but he loved the action. Sure.

Anyway, he had his head chopped off by the Cozunos car. Whoa! Yeah. I guess that's why he never directed another film. Nope. That was it. One and done. I love that one he did, though. At least he made it count. It's so scary watching that. Do you know, back then, people believed it was an actual gigantic black and white train. I believe that. That was coming out of a wall. That's why I love that movie.

movie so much. Yeah, even though the world was in color, they saw this moving image of a train and they thought, oh, it's come to life. Yeah, yeah. Great film. Jumped out of the way. Great film. Open and closed the same day. What's your favorite song? My favorite song, probably Happy Birthday by Mildred and Patty Hill.

Those elderly spinsters. Oh, the mithely crones. Have you used happy birthday on community? No, we have not. I already know this. I already know. It's why chain restaurants have their own goofy little birthday song. In case any of the spies are out listening. I have a question. How much money do those women have from having copyrighted happy birthday? They're the richest people on earth. But you know what? No one uses their song nowadays. So I think it's drying up. Really? Yeah.

There's something that's been set in place since the dawn of copyright. What? Which is that even if people don't pay for the song, they get money for it.

How? Like, karmically? Why do you think a government's always having problems with money? It's because they're having to pay all this money to Mildred and Patty Hill. Because the government is listening to everything we say and do. That's right. So they're monitoring every birthday party. Oh, this is why. So they have a lot of money. That's right. Are they alive? Yes, they are. They're in their 100s. Which one should I marry? Oh, that's a close call. I don't want to be... I don't like to be shallow or petty.

They haven't aged well. Okay. I think it's also because they're evil. They're evil? Yeah. I don't have a problem with that. And so their outsides reflect their insides. So they're gnarled old crones. They're like witches. They might as well be from a fairy tale or from the Underworld series of film. Will they be starring in your next Underworld movie? There might be some witches coming up. Oh, my God. I love this. And also a leprechaun.

This is like later seasons of True Blood. That's right. Or the movie Leprechaun. Oh, they got crazy, right? Yeah. I'm having Warwick Davis. He's reprising his role. Do you mean Warwick? Is it Warwick Davis? I believe it's Warwick. I said Warwick on this show previously, and I was hammered. It should be Warwick. It should be Warwick. I mean, why spell your name that way if you don't want to be called Warwick? Who, like more than one person told you you were wrong? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my heavens. Do they provide any links for proof?

Lynx or it didn't happen, I said. Lynx or it didn't happen. L-O-I-D-H. Of course. Lloyd. Lloyd. The Lloyd squad. From Movieline Magazine. Oh, no, it was Premier. Premier had the gaff squad.

And they would say, uh-oh, he's wearing his watch in the one scene, and then the other scene, he doesn't have his watch on. I love the Gaff Squad. I love the Gaff Squad, too, Scott. Oh, that was my favorite. Why didn't they have... How come the Gaff Squad didn't get their own TV show? Yes. Do you know, Gillian, I think that you should be on a show that's like a drama, like an X-Files, where you're investigating gaffs, and it turns out they have a supernatural connection. The Gaff Squad. What do you think about that, Apple? Well, you know what? Yeah.

Your track record speaks for itself. You got the Midas touch, Len. I'd produce it. You know? I'd produce it. So I'd be the buffer between you and the network. Oh, thank God. But I wouldn't direct it because we'd only end up having sex parties on set. And no work would get done. So how are you going to be the buffer if you're not going to be on set?

Oh, no, he doesn't have to be on set. We'll do it all through emails and phone calls. Yeah, I'll call him with all of my complaints. I'm very hands-off as a producer. They can do whatever they want. Hands-on as a husband. That's right. Next body. You're a handful as an actress, right? I mean, I've heard stories about you on Community of just how much trouble the network has. Are you a bit of a divine decadent diva? Oh, I'm not.

You know what? I say, if you haven't stormed off the set this week, go ahead and do it. At least once. Before the week is up. Before the week is up. It's Friday evening. Not too late. Just leave. What are your pet peeves about below-the-line people and how they treat above-the-line people? Ugh. Ugh. You really moisten your lips up for this. You put on one dollop of ChapStick. Okay.

I was about to speak a lot of words. Just one little tiny section of your lips. They're very dry. Los Angeles is built on a desert. I've heard that. It makes me thirsty. I'm going to have a little sip of water. Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

Classic film. Who was that directed by? Could have used a werewolf. That was directed by Roman Polanski. Oh, you do know everything. Do you know a secret about him? What? He was convicted of statutory rape. Correct. Wow. I've never heard that before. He had to flee the country. Correct. Wow. Where does he live now? France. Is he still under house arrest? Wasn't he under house arrest for a while? Yeah. He's got an ankle bracelet.

They should call that an anklet. They should call it an anklet. You know, why are we wasting so much time? Oh, you know why? Because I think anklet means something else. What's it mean? It's like a little bracelet you wear around your ankle.

Well, what's in an ankle bracelet? A government tracker, so they know where you are at all times. So if you say ankle bracelet, it can only mean government tracker. That's right. You know what? I like this guy. He knows a lot of things. Thank you very much. I've been noticing that ever since I had sex party during the break that you guys have really been hitting it off. And you know what? I bless this union. Really?

I really do. Hey, you know what? For what it's worth, I bless it too. Oh, shut up, Gary. Oh, the tables have turned. Claws in, Kat. I'm sorry. He hurt my feelings. He was my first love. Your first love? My truest love. How old are you? How old do you have to be to get married?

I don't know. I'm taking a guess. Well, I'm going to say... Ooh, 12. Yeah, you can get married at 12, I think. You can. From Appalachia? You have your parents' permission. No. Yeah. No, you can't do that. 12? What, 15? No.

I believe 16 is probably the earliest you can get. Take it to the internet. Get on this. Did you command him to type it into the internet? Yeah. Do you want to say whoever's closest wins without going over? That's right. Price is right rules? Price is right rules. I went in strong with 12. I'm going to say one years old. Wait, why are you underbidding me? Wait, that doesn't make, you're not good. Price is right rules. You just said 13. Len, go up.

It's as close as you can get without going over. Yes, without going over. Yeah. So I'm saying 12. I'm going to say, seriously, fun aside, I'm going to say 16. You're saying 16. I'm going to say 15. 15. What do we got, Engineer Brett? Okay. California, if either the bride or groom is under 18, at least one of the minor's parents or legal guardian must appear with the couple.

So we're talking zero. Yeah, it doesn't say. I win. I guess you win. I win. You win. Wait. No, wait. The closest without going over. Oh, we all went over. That's too bad.

Well, no, nobody said 19. No, but we all... It's under 18. No, but you can get married... You can get married under 18 if your parents... That's what I'm saying. It's zero. Zero is the age. But I'm closer to the legal age you can get married without your parents. Technicality, no. Down, boo. Over. Technicality, no. Down, boo. Over. Wait, wait. There are more developments. Go ahead. Technicality, no. Down, boo. Over.

I mean, you just have to appear before a superior court judge. But there's no minimum age, so we all move over. Is there like a committee where you have to make your case? Is this in Bel Air? Like, we're in love, we're young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about, let me ask you this. What would Romeo and Juliet do in modern times if they wanted to get married? Romeo. They were just a couple of crazy kids. I prefer Romeo. You like Romeo. What did I say? Romeo. Romeo.

Romeo? What did you say? Romeo. Like R-O-M-Y-O? You say it and then I'll say it, you say it. Romeo. Romeo. It's like splitting hairs. It's practically the same thing. You say the girl's name. Juliet. Juliet. Guys, don't fight. Is this your first? Now, do you pronounce your name? Gillian. Gillian. Gillian. Like the symbols. Gillian. Gillian.

Like Zildjian? Yeah. Oh. Are you sponsored by Zildjian? I should be. Gillian by Zildjian. I say Gillian. Is Gillian like, do people get it confused with like a numerical amount? Like 10? Oh, there's like a Gillian of those. Oh. Like 10. Are we just shouting numbers now? Like 10? Gillian's rubbing her eyes.

Like, this is, like, what's happening with you? I'm just so sad. Are you sad? What's the matter? Why are you so sad? Who's talking to me right now? Is it Gary or Len? It's me, Gary. What are you talking about? I need you. I love you, Gary. It's too hard to be apart. What? This is crazy. Love is crazy. We're just like Romeo and Juliet. I need you. You know what, Gary? I think this girl really does need you. I'm already married, it turns out.

So I think maybe, I think maybe you should go to her. You think so? I do. Now you directed the crazy movies about the vampires and werewolves. That's right. But they're really love stories. I knew it! Those are a lot of stories. Gillian, would you do me the honor of allowing me to keep my wife in suspended animation and becoming my non-suspended animation wife?

I'm crying right now. Are you crying? I'm tearing up at the very least. I'm tearing up, but also I'm getting very sexually aroused for a sex party. A lot of my juices are flowing right now. All my juices are going. We have urine. We have bile. We have blood. A lot of milk. I got some milk going. Oh, my gosh. What do you say, Annie? I'm on pins and needles over here. Yes! All right! She said yes! Now, look. This is a huge mistake I could not be happier to be making.

This is going to be wonderful. You know what? I have an idea. Anytime one of the couples gets together on The Bachelor, they have the wedding live on the show. What if we had your wedding live on this show? Do you know what? I'm an internet minister. Could you perform the ceremony? I would be honored to perform the ceremony. That would be beautiful. Next time you're on the show, let's set a date. Do you guys have you picked a date yet? Yeah.

Valentine's Day after his movie. First, we're going to begin the morning by screening the movie. Then, in the afternoon, we'll get married. Oh, wait. Valentine's Day next year. Okay. Next year. Okay. I guess we can do that. Because Valentine's Day has already happened. Or just about to happen. Or just about to happen. All right. Who knows when Valentine's Day occurs? Valentine's... It's in your heart. Valentine's...

Valentine's Day 2015. We'll set it right now. All right. Live on the show. Put it down in ink. That's fantastic. Can we sign something saying if you die between now and then, I get all of your money? Because it's a long engagement. Yeah, would you mind? Yeah, I mean, it seems unlikely that I will die, so certainly I will write up that document. Great. Okay, fantastic. Number 10. All right, good ep. Grepisode? Grepisode. That was fun. That was a good one. I love... I love...

playing around with Gillian. I think she's terrific. She's so funny. She's always up for it and she always, she brings so much to it and she's not, she's like fearless about it, you know? I didn't really know her. I met her at one party that my wife had. Talked to her for a bit. Wife, wife, wife, wife. Sad wife bone? Sad wife bone. That's when you have sex with your wife to cheer her up? Yeah. That's exactly what it is. My, my, my wife.

Now, I don't know why, but no, I met her at two parties. I met her at a – I have to admit I met her at a different party before that one where a person I was with, I was very embarrassed by him because he was, I believe, hitting on her shamelessly and not being that charming about it. It was, I believe, the second party we had gone to on a 4th of July party.

And I remember being sort of embarrassed by this guy I didn't really know all that well. So I'd only known her a couple of times and then I just said, hey, you know, it was through the Thrilling Adventure Hour guys because she had done that show several times. And I said I was looking for a guest.

And they said, why don't you try Gillian? She's great. And so I threw it out there. And she's so up and game for doing stuff, she immediately said yes and then has become one of the best guests on this show. And a fan favorite, if I may be so bold, is to proclaim her such. Please don't. Please don't. May I? No. Please may I be so bold? I'll allow it just this once. Fan favorite.

All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will crack in. We're going to crack in. We'll release the crack in. We'll release the crack in. We'll be right back. When was the last time you treated yourself to some new clothes? If you have to think about it, too long ago. Well, let's change that. Did you know right now there's a shirt with my face on it in the Earwolf store? What? The ultimate honor. What?

The new Comedy Bang Bang shirt, which is a throwback to the old days of Comedy Death Ray, is a soft, comfortable, and sophisticated tri-blend and American-made T-shirt. It's available today at store.earwolf.com. If you're not into my face but you love my voice, well, I don't know how you can wear a T-shirt with my voice on it. But I will say there are four other CBB-centric T-shirts for you to browse through. Head on over to store.earwolf.com at your leisure.

For to pick up new Soft Tri-Blend American-Made T-shirts from How Did This Get Made, Comedy Bang Bang, Never Not Funny, Sklarbro Country, and a brand new shirt from Wolf Pop, Earwolf Sister Network. That's cool. And as always, thank you for listening.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. And Paul F. Tompkins and I, Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you all got something good. If you got us some sort of new iPhone or an iPod or something, and the first thing you did was listen to this show, well... God bless you. If you haven't got a hey, Penny. Well, God bless you. God bless you as well. Also, if you sneeze. God bless you. Do you think that the...

Do you think that that is meant sarcastically? I think so. I think we've talked about it. Have we? I know it's going to be before. I believe we talked about it on this best of last year. God bless you. Okay. Fair enough. I think I can't. I think I can. I guess I need an app. No.

Oh, we are so far up our own buttholes. Oh, my God. All right. Now it starts to feel like it's a disorder. You know what I mean? This whole podcast feels like a disorder to me. What am I trying to prove? Like, what sort of mental illness am I trying to cure by doing this show? Are you trying to cure it? You're trying to exorcise your demon? Well, this city is a disease, I will say, and I'm the cure. Marion Cabretti?

Cobretti. Cobretti, I know. Drives me crazy. Yeah, I know. Okay, let's crack our top nine. What do you say in Release the Kraken? Top nine, Cracker. Here we go. This is episode, on your countdown, number nine. Number nine. All right, episode number nine. This is...

This is the very first episode of 2014. This is episode 263. This is going way back to the beginning of the year. Let's get in the way back machine. This is Hollywild with Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sanz. This is starting out strong, starting the year out strong. I mean, this is the first episode of 2014. It made number nine on your countdown.

That's pretty impressive. Now, Ben Schwartz, people know from his own TV show, House of Pies, and he is also – he plays Jean Raphael on Parks and Rec. Yeah. Which is about to enter into – Got canceled. Got canceled. The canceled TV show, Parks and Rec. The cancellation bear had its way with Parks and Rec. That's –

But Ben is one of my favorite people to do the show with. And this was his first appearance in 2014 on the show. And he normally does the first episode of the year because House of Pies comes on right away in the year. And so he likes to promote it.

He loves to promote stuff. He really is very – he takes care of business as they say. And he is on the show and Horatio and he are good friends and they like to do the show together. I believe they do an improv show together every week perhaps and they work really well together. And so I love having them both on the show together. Now in this episode, Horatio is playing Coco Marks.

who is the descendant of Groucho Marx. That's right. Whom you and I both met in Detroit? Yeah, on the road. I want to say on the road. I think it was Detroit. I think it was Detroit in the Comedy Bang Bang Live episodes from 2013. Paul and I went on tour together, and Paul did every single show, and Horatio did three episodes with us. He did Milwaukee, Chicago, and Detroit. Wow.

wanted to do Toronto but couldn't get into the country. Oh, that's right. That's right. Got some issues. Or it was – I think it wasn't that he couldn't get into the country. I think it was that we would have had to pay some money for some visa or work visa or something. It was complicated. Yeah. It was a Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin situation.

And so Coco Marx, we met in Detroit, and his story, I believe, is that he –

He had a video store. Yeah, it's really convoluted. He had a video store and he sold tapes of people peeing on celebrities or something? Yeah. Well, he had just normal videos. Yeah. But he wasn't paying the bills. So then he had to rent out tapes of celebrities peeing on each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he wanted to be a comedian and he tried out a lot of his jokes on stage in Detroit with us. And so we're going to hear –

His return to the show with Ben Schwartz. This is episode 263, Hollywild. This is your number nine. Number nine. Tell us a little bit. You started off in the music industry, correct?

Well, yes. I used to have a record store. Very cool. Right there in Pasadena on Colorado Boulevard. It used to be called Golden Memories. What was the best way to get there, by the way? From, say, I don't know, Pasadena. No, it's in Pasadena? That's where it would be. From Pasadena. You're here already. From Westwood. What I like to do is I like to take the two down to 134. And 134, you take it down to Colorado. And in Colorado, you make it right, and you run into it.

I mean, I think it's around, it used to be around 6,300, East Colorado. Okay, so we don't need to, okay, we can get to the end. Well, it's gone now, so there's no need to talk about it. It's gone. Yeah. Yeah, you know, Napsters and Spotify's and who have you. Yeah, I bet. Just really ran me out of business. All sorts of records? Like everything? So it used to be all records. It used to be cassette tapes of old radio programs. And eventually, we had to lower ourselves and sell...

Sex tapes of celebrities. Now, were they records of sex tapes? I would take, yeah, I would take videotapes and I would put them on the vinyl. Just the audio of sex tapes? Just to hear the sounds? Just to hear the sounds of sexuality. To some people, fun. To other people, it's shocking and disturbing. You know, I had one of Gavin McLeod.

You had a what? A tape of Gavin McLeod. Oh, Gavin McLeod. Who's that? From the Love Boat. And from Mary Tyler Moore Show. He was getting serviced at an S&M house.

And it's not something you want to play for the kids. No, that would be tough. But, you know, it was a specialty kind of thing. And I'm no longer in business. What was some of the sounds that Gavin McLeod would make? That's a good question. I'll be the girl. Gavin, you know what to do. Well, first off, it wasn't a girl. Oh, it was a guy. It was an executioner. Oh, it was an executioner? Okay, I'll play the executioner. Okay. Gavin, can you please put the sponge on your head? Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I'm lowering the little hat thing. Three. There ain't no love in here, baby. Do you have any prayers you want to say? Huh? Prayers?

Oh, yeah. I pray that you beat me. Hold on. I pray that you enter me. Wait, so Gavin McLeod... I'm Gavin McLeod. Well, that was just an ex-soype. Oh, my... By the way... It wasn't a real tape, but it goes like that. He was executed? What are we talking about right now? He used to be a guy dressed like an executioner. In the S&M house. I got it. Yeah, I got it. It's fucked up from Gavin. So parents would probably have a problem with that also. It's not just kids. Captain Stubing. My goodness.

I mean, yeah. I mean, everybody has a problem, but you know what I mean? It's a porn industry. Of course, yeah. Anything goes these days. You got to roll with it. I mean, the crazier, the better. Yeah, I guess. That makes sense. I just can't deal with that anymore. Yeah, that makes sense. You know, Benny Schwartz. Oh, cool. Do you miss the celebrity sex tape biz? Oh. There was some charming to it. Yeah. Oh. I do miss it. I miss sometimes we'd make deals with people, and we would actually make their sex tape. Oh, really? You would record it? No video, of course, right? And then we'd pretend that we stole it off someone's computer. Right.

But it was all an inside gag, you know. Yeah, who were some of the celebrities back then? Well, Ray J and Kim Kardashian. Wait, you were the person? I recorded that one. Really? Yeah. You were behind the camera for that? I was behind the camera. What did it smell like? That's a good question, Scott. It smelled like the Hollywood Y. The Hollywood Y, sure. With Chanel No. 5 on it. Ooh. Do you mean the Y in the Hollywood sign? No.

The Hollywood Y or the YMCA? We just need to know. Yeah, I just really need to narrow this down. I know I'm going to regret it. The Hollywood side Y. How could you get to the Hollywood side from here? Do you know how to get there? Yeah, do you know how, Coco? I do. You go up each one. And there's a sign that says no hilltop access, but just ignore that. You make a left and you make your way up the hill. Eventually, you'll be right there at the base of the Hollywood side. Cool, cool, cool. And if you go inside the H, I'll tell you.

It smells like the YMCA. Oh, okay. Sunset Boulevard. Got it. Not the Y. But not the Y. No, no, no. What are you now for work? So I'm assuming that industry is dead for you. Well, right now I'm starting to do some comedy, you know. Oh, get out of here. We talked about this in Detroit. He did some of his comedy for us. Very cool, man. I wasn't necessarily a fan, but... Well...

Can I hear one joke or would it be replaying? Yeah, I'll do a joke for you. Do you need any set-ups or you can just do it yourself? No, I don't need any set-up. That's how, you know, you write a joke by yourself and then you do it. Okay, you don't have to be an asshole. That's okay, I'm not being an asshole. To be fair, Coco, the Marx Brothers, there were three of them. Yes, the whole bit with your family is that there's more than one. Well, all my brothers are dead. All your brothers are dead? Yeah, these Marx Brothers are all dead. So there's only one Marx. So you're the only remaining grandson? That's right. Then this comedy better be good. It is good. And it's topical, Ben.

Good. Oh, my God. Hmm.

Wait a second. The first part was an actual joke. That was a Groucho joke. Oh, that's a real Groucho joke? Yeah. I was going to say, it's an amazing joke. I borrow sometimes from my grandfather. And then what do you do to the end of it? And then I put on some social commentary on it. But that doesn't make any sense, the end part. Well, I believe it's a Trayvon Martin reference. Thank you. Can you give me another? Sure. I saw this movie, 12 Years a Slave. Oh, boy. More like two and a half hours bummed out. You see that? Because it was a depressing movie.

Yeah. Is this still the joke? Should I shut up? This is the joke. This is the joke. Oh, sorry, it ended. 12 years a slave. Have you ever thought about saying the end after your punchline? That's because I don't know when they end. No, I haven't, but I guess I will. You should. I hate to be an asshole, but you should. It would really help. Can we hear another joke? Oh, and make sure the next joke doesn't have the words the end in the actual joke, because then we'd be confused. Okay. Okay. You know, we're in Hollywood. A lot of gay people here. Oh, no. I mean, I have nothing against it, but, you know, it's true.

And, you know, people always ask me, what do I think about gay rights? Well, I like gay rights. I like gay lefts. It's the middle I'm not thrilled about because that's where the penis is. The end. I don't know that you needed the sentence right before the end. I think we got it. Were you guys talking about Bruce Jenner earlier? No. Bruce Jenner. Let me tell you about Bruce Jenner. What? This guy has had so much surgery on his face, when he sneezes, he comes out of his nose. The end.

That means the skin has been pulled up so much that now his penis is somewhere where his nose is. I think the end makes them all so funny. I like the end. Him saying the end of the end makes it so funny to me. Do you have one more? I have one for you, my friend. Hit the end softly. That means it's going to be Jewish. I know it's going to be a bad one. No, it's not going to be Jewish. All right. You know, there's no surprise that I fool around with some ladies of the night. You know. Okay. And sometimes they're not that clean.

So, you know, after I have sex with him, some people refer to my house as House of Flies. The end. Ha ha ha!

Because flies are shooting out of their vagina because they're so dirty. I mean, that's what we suppose. There's a setup of a joke. You say you know a lot, I've noticed. You know. I don't know if we do, though. I hate to be the asshole. I don't know if we do know. Yeah. I have a runner. I'm going to run all my House of Lies jokes. Oh, boy. I can't believe you have a House of Lies joke. This is actually amazing. Oh, good. Sure. House of Lies. Keep going. All sorts of ties. Bow ties. Funny ties. Piano ties. All kinds of ties. Yeah. We got House of Mice.

It doesn't even rhyme with... You've lost me. A lot of people have problems with mice these days, and so if you have too many, you can call it a house of mice. I got another one here, house of styes. No! It's a house full of people that have styes in their eyes. And that reminds me of another one, house of eyes. This is when you go to some place and no one talks to you, but they keep staring at you. I got another one, house of Bill Nye's.

The science guys? This is a house full of Bill Nye's science guys. Say the end after all of them, or I don't know what's happening. Shit, that's good. Oh my goodness. Benny, it's a pleasure to be here. Huge. I've been trying stand-up, and that's the point. You know, the economic downfall. It's not bad. It takes a while to get good at stuff. It's a very difficult process. I don't really do it. For a beginner, it's not bad. I once shot a papoose in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas...

I'll never know because it's a pupusa. It's a little empanada. I got it. I know what a pupusa is. So it has to kind of take my pajamas. It's a tiny empanada. Cut out the fabric and make a little pajamas. You know, when your grandfather did this joke. He hasn't said the end yet. He hasn't said the end yet. Oh, sorry. The end. Okay. No, Scott. When your grandfather did this joke, it was just so simple. He just said, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.

That's funny. He didn't have to say the end. That's perfect. Everyone knew it was the end because that's all the information you need. In the old days, you could make jokes like this. Yeah. Now kids want more. More info, more info, internet. You have to shock. Well, now they have the Louis CKs, you know, the shocking comedians, you know, who use shocking language. Name a shocking comedian. I mean, I don't know. I like Louis CK, but you know, in my day, we didn't call our kids cunts and whatnot. Yeah. You know, if you had a kid-

You know, you sent them away to school. Yeah. And you had your wife take care of them. You didn't call them dicks or cunts or whatever he's doing. Got it. You know what I mean? Got it. I get it. That's more of a... You now don't have to say the end after every sentence, by the way. He knows he gets a laugh. He's learning. It's working. It's working.

It is broken. If it ain't broke, right? You're the end comedian. Yeah. Stop doing that to your mic. Stop fiddling with it. If you're listening at home and you're sitting there having a little eggnog by the fireplace. I guess eggnog from January. Expired eggnog. Leftovers. There's another hint. If you want eggnog year-round, just put it in the freezer.

That's a hint. That's something everybody knows. Refrigerate your goods. That's something so they don't expire. What are you saying? That's a half a little hint. If you want clean clothes, pop them in the laundry. I'm glad this guy isn't at my shows because if I have to explain every single joke to every single audience member, you know, I won't get home till March. The end. What happens if you're doing the show in March?

Well, then I won't get home until next March. That makes sense. So, Coco, you want to be a comedian. I mean, it's a life change for you. I mean, that's a big thing, you know? Like, how do you make your money is my question. Yeah. Because you can't, like, at the beginning when we did comedy, I'm assuming you're saying, well, you just got to, it took me years until I made money. Sure. Did you make anything on your business? Was there a fire? I can't remember exactly. There was a fire. Did you burn it down? No.

There's a lot of vinyl in that place. Wax burns quick. That's right. It was a terrible fire. It ruined all my vinyl. It ruined all my tape.

As it turns out, there's no kind of media that survives fire. I thought if I turned everything into CDs that it would live forever. No, but can I tell you, if you put it on the internet, it probably would happen. Yeah, the cloud. I hate to be an asshole. Yeah. I should have put it on the cloud. Yeah, buddy. Yeah. I mean, it's fantastic, this whole thing, the cloud. Yeah. I don't even know. Sounds like a setup. Keep going. Let's see how it ends. It's fantastic, this whole thing, the cloud. Keep going. Riff. Riff on this. Yeah, go. This is what a comedian does. Go. Yeah, you saw a good reaction from us, so keep going. Okay. Okay.

This cloud, you know, you put information on it. Yeah. Sure. I wonder if you could sleep on it. Like a little baby sleeping on a cloud. The end. Oh, wow. That took an unexpected turn. Ray Park. I love the end. I love the end. You got to keep that. I suggest changing 100% of your material.

But keep the end. Those are tough notes to take. You know what? You got to hear this kind of stuff when you're starting out. You know, like someone has to come up. I think after you do one open mic, your first open mic, someone should come over to you and tell you you have to get rid of all of it.

Is there ever a comedian that did his first open mic and crushed in real life? I bet they did, but is there any comedian who's been doing it for 10 years, 15 years, who's doing what they did at their first open mic, you think, still? I guess just Coco. I am. See? How many jokes have you written, Coco? I've written like 15 jokes. Oh, wow. And I usually tell them all each time. How many minutes is your set for 15 jokes? 15...

15 minutes. 15 minutes. So like a minute of joke. A minute of joke. Cool, man. That's pretty good. Do you have one more for us? Let me see here. Oh, yeah. Here's one that's current. Don't say that's current. Here's a current one. You don't have to. Just say it. I made a killing on Wall Street. I shot one of those hippies at Occupy Wall Street. I probably shouldn't say Wall Street twice in that joke. Also, Occupy Wall Street. That's still going on, isn't it, Benny?

No? Okay. Oh, wait, is this the joke? Do you want us to respond? Oh, yeah, I made a killing on Wall Street. We're still waiting, though, because we haven't heard. You probably shouldn't. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't know I was supposed to run. I made a killing on Wall Street, guys. Yeah, I shot one of those hippies in Occupy Wall Street. Uh-huh. The end. Ah, thank you. That's what we were waiting for. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to tell you, this business is a little hotter than I thought.

Luckily, I got a good name, Coco Mox. How did you get the name Coco, by the way? How do you spell that? I don't know. Is it just C-O-C-O? C-O-A. C-O-A, C-O-A. So literally like cocoa. It's like hot cocoa. It's like cocoa like the butter. It's like Ice-T's wife. And like what Aaron Neville rubs. Name one Aaron Neville song. You, real quick.

I know that one about Cotton. Tell it like it is. Do you know that song? I don't know that. Coco, do you know that song? I bet Coco knows that song. I know...

That's a great song. One of my favorites. Tell It Like It Is? Yeah. How does that one go, Coco? That's what you're saying. Tell it like it is. Coco does a crazy good Aaron Neville. I love Coco's Aaron Neville. Wow. I've met Aaron Neville. I don't know much, but I know I love you. You're turning into Sammy Davis. Well, that's Coco singing Aaron Neville. I need to know. That's the end.

How about this? How about we... You can have it. I'm going to give it to you. How about we do this? We set each other up and someone else has to do the punchline. Okay? Okay. You only have 10 seconds to think of a punchline. If you don't... If you can't think of it in 10 seconds, you have to go like this. I'm a dum-dum. Okay. Okay? Here we go. So Coco, set me up. We'll go around the room until it gets back to you. Okay, perfect. Give me a real setup. Don't give me a fucking crazy lunatic one. What do you call a monkey with amnesia? I don't know the punchline. I know. I'm supposed to think of it. I'm supposed to think of it. Okay. You call it...

Orang-a-tang, you say? I don't know. I'm a dumb-dumb. Ah, let me try. Same joke with everyone. Same joke. All right. What do you call a monkey with amnesia? I forget. Oh, that's perfect. I'm going to give you a new one. That's a great one. Okay. All right. Chime in if you have it. It would be better because I just blew that one. What do you call a monster on a skateboard? Oh. Ogre. I'm thinking ogre, which makes me think of Shrek.

which makes me think of Shrek and Fiona. What about? Skateboard tricks are called like, oh, I wish I knew a skateboard trick, or a skateboard company, or I don't know anything about skateboards. They have four wheels. Is this the joke? No, I'm just thinking out loud. Okay, sure, sure, sure. It helps me sort of write jokes. Do you have anything, Coco? A monster on a skateboard. Yeah. Over a winfrey.

You can use Roper Winfrey for most any punchline. What was the joke before? What do you call chimpanzee with amnesia? Oh, no, don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. Come on. Don't say that. Way too soon. Way too soon. I was trying to remember what the first joke was. I wasn't trying to. Oh, come on. Okay, I got to ask you for that one. A monkey with amnesia? Yeah. Davy Jones.

Okay, not bad. Oh, not David. Mickey. Mickey Dolan. Because he's probably cuckoo now anyway at this point. One more setup. We've got to get one. Three funny people here. Okay, what do you call a nun who has the highest pole vault of all time? What do you call a nun who has the highest pole vault of all time? Closer to God? Okay, not bad. Coco? Sister pole vault. I'm going to go with Virgin Records.

You set yourself up, you son of a bitch. That's a beautiful answer. You know you're a fun son. You work from the back forward. Maybe. I don't know. You work from the back forward. Don't say, I don't know. It's not cheating. It's not cheating, Ben. That's funny as shit. Eating is not cheating. That's funny as shit. Eating ain't cheating. Number nine. And, of course, we ended with eating ain't cheating. Speaking of that. Of course. E-A-C. Nice. E-A-C. So that's Phil Clinton.

He says it so much that he has to. He has to, yeah. And then people know what it is. It's like WTF or BRB for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just walks around saying EAC and people go, all right, Bill. We know. Eating ain't cheating.

All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we will release the Kraken again. We'll crack into your top eight. Wait, when do we put the Kraken back in its pen? We never do. There's so many Krakens running around here. I thought it was just the Kraken. What I mean to say is the Kraken that I'm about to release. It's not just the titular Kraken. The eponymous Kraken? Fuck you. All right, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bank after this.

Hey guys, have you checked out Earwolf's new sister network, WolfPop yet? What is WolfPop? WolfPop is a new podcast network devoted to all things pop culture, and it's brought to you by us here at Earwolf, and also Paul Scheer, who curated all the shows. He called up all of his friends and even people he didn't know and put together an incredible lineup of shows. We have Denzel Washington as the greatest actor of all time, period, with Kamau Bell and Kevin Avery.

We have Get Up On This with Jensen Karp and Matthew Robinson. You have Cry Babies with Sarah Thayer and Susan Orlean. Maltin On Movies with Leonard Maltin and Baron Vaughn.

OMFG with Emily Foster, Deanna Raphael, Rotten Tomatoes podcast, Reading Aloud with Nate Corddry, The Canon with Amy Nicholson and Devin Farachi. So many great shows. Head on over to iTunes or check out our new website at wolfpop.com. Hey, Comedy Bang Bang. We're back and we have our final episode that we're going to get to on this episode.

best of part two. Let's just release it all of a Kraken. You're giggling a lot. I know. I like it. I enjoy doing these shows. You know what? I do too. Why else would we do it? I've really been looking forward to it. Yes. Why else would we do it? I mean, we could close up shop right now, but we enjoy it. What was that? I don't know. There was a weird noise. Engineer Cody Sam slipped out the back jack.

He didn't mean to be coy, Roy, but... Okay. All right. This is... On the countdown, this is episode eight. Number eight. It's not episode eight. It's number eight on the countdown. Anyway... Episode eight will be going way back. Yeah, boy. Probably not a great episode. Not a grepisode, I would say, going all the way back to eight. That's back to the days of... Comedy Death Ray. Comedy Death Ray. 101 point whatever. Why was it... What did we...

to be on 105.5 the ducat 98.7 something like that body temperature 98 degrees 98.6 uh this is uh episode 283 can you guess which one this is paul i can okay then do it yeah 283 remember the last we heard was 263 that was the first episode of the year

So we're talking 20 eps later. 20 eps later. I was doing bonus eps around here, so you can probably see I was doing five. Bonus!

Eps? Eps. Every month. So I was doing about five per month. You were doing a lot. Yeah. So if you're saying you've gone through five in January, five in February, five in March. I can't think about. Five in April. So this is probably the end of April. Which, what does the end of April mean to Comedy Bang Bang? It's our anniversary! Anniversary show! This is the anniversary too!

It's perfect. This was the fifth anniversary show. Hard to believe. Hard to believe that we would do this so many years and in a row. Oh, yeah. Not taking breaks. No. Not taking three years on, three years off. Not taking sabbaticals. One for me, one for them. Yeah, you do this other podcast. It's super smart.

This had Jessica St. Clair on it. Lennon Parham. Jessica St. Clair. Lennon Parham. We know them, of course, from Playing House, which USA just picked up. Congratulations to them. That's right. Congratulations to them. BFF still canceled. So, sorry. But they may pick it up at some point. They may. Who knows? We have Jason Manzoukas on the show. Zoot. We have the aforementioned Lauren Lapkus is on this episode. Lapkus. Matt Besser.

And Paul Russ and Neil Campbell. But the part that we are going to hear is we're going to hear when one of our old friends, Mike the Janitor, came in. Now, let's set this up a little bit because – Good luck to you. Mike the Janitor is played by you. Yes. And you walked into the room and we all said, damn. Yeah.

Hot for Teacher started playing. Oh, that's right. Everyone looked over their sunglasses at me. Yeah. No, you walked in and I kind of mouthed, who are you going to play? And you motioned to me, you pick. Oh, yeah, that's right. Because I really, for whatever reason, I can't remember why at the time, I was completely at a loss because I felt like I'd done every character. Yeah.

little recently like if you were recording a lot of episodes I believe I was filming the show and so we were doing a lot of episodes concurrently and banking them we're banking them so you've been doing it a lot at this point yeah you've you maybe felt not burn out but like I just doing a lot of I couldn't decide like who would be an appropriate character back so you just said you pick and

And I don't know why, but I said, oh, Mike the janitor is here. It was a very weird choice. Very weird choice. A character you don't do often. I think I'd done it once before. Once before, and I don't think you've done it since. No. But I enjoy him. I was listening to it today trying to figure out this clip, and I was like, this guy's got to come back. For some reason, I feel like Mike the janitor may have made three appearances on the show. Maybe. I could be wrong. Yeah. But Mike the janitor is a very simple guy. I'm sure we'll hear it in this clip. All he wants to do.

He just has one thing out of life to clean up. All he wants to do is just clean up after other people, clean their filth. But the only thing he wants in return – The only thing he asks – Is a paycheck. Is a paycheck for doing that. And health benefits and full dental.

Now, on this clip, we have Jason Manzoukas. People know from The League. He plays Rafi. And we also have Tracy Reardon, our good friend, Lauren Lapkus playing Tracy Reardon, who is the 16-year-old girl who has her butt pierced. She works for Baskin-Robbins. She has a dead grandmother. And she has two jobs. Oh, yeah. Baskin-Robbins and Claire. That's right. Pure.

Piercing people. Now, previous to this on the previous episode, I believe, Tracy, and I believe this is germane to the clip we're about to hear. She talks about T-shirts where she's going to have her famous phrases with something on the front and something on the back. That's right. So the first part of a phrase on the front, then the other part of the phrase on the back. Yes. So like, help me on the front, Rhonda on the back. That's right.

So I believe that comes up. I made a note that I – Is this the first instance of this? No, no, no. We had talked about it before. But it comes up and you may not know what we're talking about unless – That's why it's germane. Right. So this is Mike the Janitor, Jason Manzoukas, and Tracy Reardon. And this episode is like two hours long and it has so many great clips, but this is the one that we chose. Of course it has Matilda Becerina. It has the Bachelor Brothers. Oh, God.

And it has Wampler and Wampler and who's Lennon? Lissler. Lissler. Jeez. But this is the one that we're going to pick. This is, of course, Mike, the janitor. And this is your number eight. Number eight. In any case, someone just walked into the show. It's our fifth anniversary episode. And someone just came in and, you

Let's find out who it is. We want to say hello to the person. I mean, it's been five years that we've been doing... It's been... I mean, we all know who it is. We all know who it is. Because we're looking at the person. And yet we want the person to announce themselves because this is a special anniversary show.

And of course we know it's Mike the Janitor. Hey, he's been here for five years. What's up guys? Sweeping up stuff. Good to see everybody. I can't believe you followed us to the new studio. Yeah, good luck trying to shake me off. I'll always find you. I'll always find the studio available. You work here now? Oh, hello young lady. How do you do? Tracy Reardon. Do you remember we almost went to a prom together? I do, but then I went with Scott instead. Sorry. You were on that show? Yeah.

What show? Never mind. Yeah, we had a whole competition with David Wayne. I forgot that. 80 Days, my favorite web series. Was that the last time I saw you, Mike? Well, I've seen you around the halls. I think so, yeah. Well, obviously around the halls, and of course I have my gays, Mr. Rockman, because you are my superior. Of course. What I do is I clean people's garbage, and all I ask in return is a paycheck. Of course. That's all I ask. And a healthy one. That's the only thing. It's my life's work. I clean people's garbage. The

only thing I ask in return is a paycheck, health benefits. Health benefits, of course. Are you in a union? Oh, yeah. Janet is union. Local 402.

Oh, yeah. Fighting 402? Fighting 402. Custodial excellence is our aim. And, of course, keeping people out and keeping us in. Is your game. Is your game. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Wait. I know we're already done talking about this, but I feel like wainy days is finally spelled correctly. Yeah.

But you've been holding on to that since that time. Well, I could have stopped thinking about it just now. Yeah. Finally, they spell it the way that you would spell it. I had to tell everyone. Yeah. Well, welcome, Mike. It's so great to see you. It's great to be here cleaning up filth left behind by other people. Hey, did you see me in Zookas' Dookas' bathroom? On a regular basis. I did go to the bathroom just earlier. Oh, don't I know it. You cleaned up a Zooks Dooks?

Getting weird. Oh, I didn't know it had its own segment. Play the theme for that. Hey, Brett. Donkey. Brett, drop it in. Come on, donk. Let's hear the... There it is. There's the theme to Zooks Dukes. It's just the modern day Fred Norris. That's the sound that comes out. Donk.

But Mike, it's been a while. It's been a while. It's been quite a while. It's been a while. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't been here in the studio in quite some time. You've kept it relatively clean. I mean, it's a new place. Yeah. Soon enough, you'll tarnish it with your disgusting habits. Sure. And your guests that are less than animals will come in here and disrespect every public place they can find. Uh-huh. Put on your shades. Whoa, he got really cool.

I just wanted to put on my shades for some reason and just, yeah, anyway. Oh, they fold up. Yeah, they fold them up. Oh, they're so tiny now. Oh, thank God we have a visual bit to do during this podcast. Just so you know, Mr. Ackerman, because he's a very sophisticated gentleman, he has sunglasses that fold not just the regular way where those little arms will fold in, you can put them in a pocket, but

They also fold at the bridge. Talk more about... So you can make it into a less convenient ball of sunglasses. These have like seven points of articulation. They're like the world's best action figures. They're like a K-turn that you put on your face. But if you only had one eye, it'd be great because you wouldn't unfold the other side. Sure, you just go like this. Yeah.

Why don't you get it on a stick and hold it up like a lorgnette? Look it up. Look it up. I've had some college. Janet is a fancy. Really? How much college did you have? I went to...

I went to school in Boston for just about eight years. Oh, a school in Boston. Yeah, it's just I went to a school in Boston for about eight years. Were you a janitor at the time? We know what you're talking about. No, I was not a janitor at the time. Well, you know what? Here's the thing. I was a math professor. Oh, boy. I was a genius math professor. You were the professor.

Yeah. Wabba-dabba. I taught, all right, it was Harvard, and I taught math there. Were you ever confronted with a degree of excellence in someone who wasn't even a student that you felt challenged to? Did you have to do some sort of a swap situation when? Freaky Friday.

Well, now, these are two different things. The swap situation, where everyone retains their own consciousness. Right. And physical form. Just you had to change jobs because someone was better at it? Well, you know, I... Here's the thing. Is this a body switch? Like the movie Switch with Ellen Barkin? Is it a body switch or is it just a swapping job? I'm going to need four more examples of body switching movies. 13.30. Okay. Big. Right? Right.

That's not a body switch. Big is not a body switch. Sorry, little lady. Give me three more examples of body grow movies. 13 going on 30. 13 going on 30 and big are not body switch movies. The body grow movies. I've read every page at IMDb, by the way. I know everything about IMDb. You memorized IMDb?

Well, she's only seen one movie. I've only seen Blue Jasmine. I know I would think about every movie. What's my pro rating? What's my star meter? Well, you're barely on it because you're a janitor. You're like five billion. That's not bad for a janitor.

I shouldn't be on there at all. If you're even on there, that's amazing. You are because you are yourself on some show. That's right. You appeared as yourself. It was a tribute to the late great Stan Lee. But you were sweeping up at the end. Excelsior. And also you were sweeping up at the background. It said you were on Blind Date as well. But you added yourself. I did do a blind date. Yeah. Oh, were you on Fifth Wheel? That's a different show, right? Okay. I need four more examples of dating shows. Cheaters.

Cheaters? That's not really a dating show. Those cheaters don't go on dates. They're dating somebody. You've been caught dating. You've been caught dating the long prison. That's a TV show. You've been caught dating. So you think you can date? You know what happened to cheaters? So you think you can date, but you can't because you won't. The original host. And you don't. Tommy, what was his name?

Bahama? Tommy Grant. Oh, yes. Tommy Bahama. He'd have to have a show, but I think he'd be great. He needs his own show. I love his fashion. Laidback style. Killer fashion. Love it. Love it. Wicker hat. I would like...

They're not straw. They're wicker. What are they? That sounds like a heavy hat. They're really heavy. It's like a chair on your head. Were you saying Ricker hats? Wicker hats. I know. Don Wickles. Oh, we heard about Mr. Rickles, by the way. That's last week's show. Anyway. Is that your catchphrase? Yeah. And what's on the back of that T-shirt? My baby loves it.

Okay, very nice. Yummy on the front, baby loves it on the back. Oh, you know about these t-shirts. I love t-shirts. Well, he heard it on the episode. Reardon T's? Reardon T's, of course. I'm dying for someone to make them and send them to me for free. Yeah, really? How do they get a hold of you? I'm on Twitter now. You are on Twitter? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Okay. I'm on Twitter. At Tracy Whedon. How's it spelled? It's spelled T-R-A-C-I. T-R-A-C-I-R-E. T-R. T-R. R-E-A-R-D-O-N. So you put a T, you think about it for a second. Even though E-O-W-O-P spells it with an E. Yeah, T-R-A-R. Is there a little heart over the I for Tracy? If I could do that, I have to learn how to use that on the computer. Do you like emojis? I do, daddy. Young people. Oh. That made me uncomfortable. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Just a love story between a 17-year-old girl and a janitor. A very old janitor. A janitor of a certain age. We don't need to get into that. That's like a Dickens book. Look, we're all in our 50s. A janitor of a certain age. Everyone here is like 65, right? Guys like us, except for the young lady. Guys like us in our 50s. Oh, yeah. We weren't born in the 50s.

No, I was born in the 70s, so I'm 70. Born in the 50s. Is that a police song? The police. How do you know that song? Because I know music, baby. She knows all music, very few movies. But every IMDb page. That's right, daddy. Listen.

What the fuck were we talking about? I don't know. Body switching. Body switching. We never got to it. Was it a body switch or was it an actual... It was neither a body switch nor a body grow. Was it a cop swap? Was it a job swap? It was not a job swap either. It was a wife swap.

Wife swap? Yes. You had a wife swap with a janitor? Yes. And because this was unheard of, the wife swap was so successful, we stayed that way. And so I had to get a new job. Why couldn't you just? Why? Just because you were married to a different woman then? Oh, this wife. No husband of hers is going to teach math at Harvard. Oh, I said it. But you love her.

Yeah, I love her. I love her, man. How long ago was this? This was going on 25 years ago. Oh, wow. You guys kiss and stuff? Oh, yeah. What's your favorite position with her? I like to do it standing up. That's why we have no children. That's how, I mean, but that's how. Oh, yeah, if you stand up, you don't get pregnant. That's right. But that's your favorite position because you can't lay down. I can't lay down. You shouldn't lay down. But I shouldn't. How do you sleep?

On my face. Okay. By the way, Mike, didn't you undergo some sort of a Freaky Friday situation with Andrew Lloyd Webber once? Well, Freaky Friday, you could call it that. I did, um...

I did switch identities with him. A body switch or an identity switch? Well, what do you call it when you make some masonry fall on someone's head and then you dress up in their clothes and pretend to be them? Weekend at Bunny's. What is that called? Weekend at Bunny's. No, that's what you're having with your grandmother. So you took over his identity. Weekend at Bunny's.

Wait, Bernie was just a guy dressed up as Bernie? It's to be determined. Well, Reardon is presently weekend at Bernie-zine her grandmother who died in the home that they share. Natural causes. Natural causes. But I need her to sign my school forms and stuff, so I use her hand to sign my forms. But it's your own handwriting. Okay, you and Scott must have been texting.

Hey, I'm no texter. It would seem to me that if you're going to impersonate an old person, you definitely want to master the thin, spidery handwriting of the elderly. The shaky, every loop having several mini loops. Here's two things. If you're old, your handwriting gets shaky. If you're fat, your voice gets deeper. That's two things right there. There's two things. Just two things I know.

What's your favorite card, Tracy, in your collection? She collects cards. I collect cards. Cards that don't fold. Don't open. Non-folding cards. I've got to make a limit on my collection. But my favorite card is this business card I got from Witch Witch. Witch Witch?

Which witch is it? Is that a sandwich place? Which witch sandwiches? Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. You know. Which witch? Which witch? Oh, okay. Who gave you this business card? The manager? Yes. Now, you're not saying rich, rich, right? No, it says sandwich is sandwich. Yeah. Sandwich, sandwich. Which sandwich? Sandwich, sandwich. No, it's... It's J. Sandwich? No, it's... Guys, get it? The actor? If Little Caesar was to start selling sandwiches, they would say sandwich, sandwich. He'd go, which witch? But it's witch sandwich, not sandwich, sandwich. Is that the Noid? Is it?

No, that's Little Caesars. You gotta avoid the Noid. You gotta avoid the Noid. You gotta avoid him. Oh! He's a post. I've been welcoming him. What? You've invited him in? I've been seeking him out. Am I doing the wrong thing? Avoid him! That's like playing Press Your Luck and screaming all whammies, all whammies, right? That's how you play. Oh my god, I'm the Noid, baby! How do you know about the Noid? Because I know everything!

Wise beyond your years. I'm wise in the past. So what is your favorite card? Why did this guy give you this business card? And then I'll go next. He was the manager. He had a business card. What I love about it is it has a cartoon of a sandwich on it. And to me, it's so special.

Is it like a caricature of a sandwich? It's like a joke picture of a sandwich. Like, what does a sandwich be like if it had a big nose? Does a sandwich have a big nose? No, but like a sandwich. Is it a deli sandwich? No, baby. It's a hot sandwich. Why do you make that? Because of your big nose. Deli sandwich. Is this an anti-Semitic sandwich shop? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, my God. That's so rude. What if it was an anti-Semitic sandwich shop called Anti-Semandwich? It was an anti-Sambug sandwich.

I bet you'd like to be in an Andy Samberg sandwich. Two Andy Sambergs humping me from each side? Okay. And they're both going, Lonely Island. That's what they're saying? What if one said Lonely Island? Lonely Planet. What, just travel books? One says Blue Planet? Planet Money. What if one says Digital Short? I don't think so.

More like digital long, right? He could add that. Yep. Sure. He's good on the fly like that. Let him do whatever he wants. Oh, yeah. You know, it's his party. I love digital longs. Yeah. Movies? No. Oh. Too long. Too long for her butt. Digital longs are like TV shows. Yeah. Digital shorts are right up your alley. They're right up my butt. Right? That's what your alley is.

My goodness. So where is that? Is it top of the pile for you? That's for sure. Top of the pile. That's where that car, do you sleep right on top of that car? I sleep right on top of it. I sleep on all my cars. Sure. I took that for granted. It's a given. But yeah. That's what Mike Tyson said when he saw his first wife. That's a given? Mm-hmm. Wobbin' Gibbons. Then he clarified.

And then everyone said, oh, Mike Tyson, I understand you. Oh, you know who I love is Wabin from Howardstone. You started talking like Mike Tyson. Robin Quivers. Give me that ear. That's a B.A. Baraka situation. We talked about that last week. What's interesting is you've been recently B.A. Barakas by Miss Listler. I didn't really know what

I don't really know what she was saying. Yeah, no, she's saying she drugged you, kidnapped you, and kept you out of the city for a week. I knew that, but what's B.A. Blockus? Well, you've read every IMDB page, so you must know. Let me ask you this. What do you think it is? I think it's like a man who looks like a barracuda. Interesting. Like he used to be a barracuda and became a person? Yeah, by a science...

By a science. By a science. A singular science. One of the science. One Mr. Miyagi. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Save it for... Is that a sandwich shop as well? Mr. Miyagi Sandwich Shop? Yeah, they make only fish sandwiches. Here's what I would like. In the Mr. Miyagi Sandwich Shop, if he slices the sandwich by giving it a karate chop. And then he puts it in wax on, wax off paper. Yes. Mm-hmm.

And you have to wear a kimono. I wax on, you take wax off. Yep. That's what he says as he hands the sandwich to you. He's very polite. Pat, don't read Rest in Peace. You also need to explain it in case you accidentally eat the sandwich with the wax paper. Wax on, you take the wax off, you eat it. Hey, hey, hey, shut up. No, no, no. Jason, do you think, Mr. Mantupas, excuse me.

Do you think that that has happened where people bit into the wax paper? There are plenty of people who are given a sandwich in wax paper and think this is what I'm supposed to eat. I eat paper for fun. Well, that's a different thing, dear. That's a different thing. I'm talking about someone who's not – they don't have like a severe mental disability. They're like the lowest you can be in terms of –

intelligence wise like a 98 IQ just a guy who's dumb yeah and he like gets the sandwich and he's like this is an unusual looking sandwich I've never seen one like this before but you know I'm willing to try new things he's open minded he's very dumb but he's open minded he's like this sandwich has a weird skin on it it's got a strange texture it's got a skin on top of it dumb people are open minded because they don't know no better yeah

Well, to that guy, I think the sandwich is like eating the organs of the skin. You're biting through the skin like an orange to get to the meaty goodness of the sandwich. The orange organs. I don't eat the outside of the orange, but somebody might think they should. Somebody could see a banana and be like, oh, what's this? Exactly. And bite into it. Ouch. You know what? I like the inside, but I don't like this outside bit. It hurts your mouth. No, you're thinking of a pineapple. What'd you say? A banana. I said pineapple. Oh.

Let's all say pineapple. Yeah, let's all do it. Here we go. Banana. Pineapple. Oh, man. Aren't you glad that I didn't say anything at all? Try it again. One, two, three. I don't care. Now, that's very disrespectful. Oh, you're a scamp and a scoundrel. I don't care for you. Today, I want to fight. Whoa. What's gotten into you? I don't know.

I don't know. She's feisty. She used to be an introvert. Last time you just wanted to go slow dancing to a nice prom song. What's that? The Dry Hump. Oh, she got the Dry Hump out of there. A sexual awakening is giving you a real attitude. My flower burst. It burst. Not bloom to blossom. I thought you turned the attitudes off. Doing sex, I turn the attitudes off and the personalities on. I turn the lights off and the music way up. Whoa. And then I get at it.

Sexual wise. Oh, boy. What's your wife's name? Her name is June. Oh, wow. You hump her all night? Yeah. Cool. Do you guys have sex every night? Any other questions?

Do you have sex every single night? Every single night? Whether you want to or not. Because that's a healthy marriage is whether you want to or not, you have to join life forces. That's right. It was in our vows. It was. We vowed in front of God and everyone to have sex every single night. After, to be fair, let me ask you this, actually. Did you actually marry your wife? Or in the wife swap, did you just...

Like did you just get a new wife because you married another woman? I thought that the wife's opera B. We just go live there Yeah, there we got in a van like the TV show wife's one Yeah, it turns out this was not the televised version of what is that what you thought was I? Assumed it was I kept saying hey This must be a TV show What is it gonna be on after Bonnie Miller?

And then in the van, a bag was put over my head and a marriage ceremony was performed. Oh. And then I got out of the van and they said, this is your new life. How'd you kiss? What van? An unmarked van. Why was the bag put over your head? Was it like a scarecrow situation? A Dr. Jonathan Crane? Yeah, I think they were trying to make me into a supervillain. Okay. By putting a scary bag on my head. And did it work? For a time. Oh. What was your power? For a time, I terrorized...

Boston? I terrorized Boston. That's right. Wait, you didn't terrorize them last year during that marathon, did you? No. No, please. Too soon. I just wanted to make sure. Speaking of the anniversary. Obviously, your instincts are beyond reproach, but please. Okay, I'm a bit of an investigator. Very, very rude. People will hurt, Scott.

Well, he said he terrorized Boston. Those words just mean one thing to me. And not with terrorism. I just scared people. Are you, were you the, because this is going back to, you said 25 years. Are you, were you the supervillain that Carl Yastrzemski beat down with a baseball bat?

Carl Yastrzemski. He was a Red Sox player. Yeah. Yazz? Was his bat class. Now, here's the thing. Yes. I got an invitation to go to a party, and they said Yazz will be there. Oh, yeah. I, of course, assumed. Yazz mean bleep. No, Yazz, the birth control. The band Yazz, Alison Moyet. I thought it was the band Yazz, Alison Moyet. I assumed there was going to be plenty of birth control on hand. Yazz. And what was the one?

you said? Vince Clark. I thought Vince Clark would be there. And so I get there and it's just Carl Yastrzemski and he's got a bat and he's hitting it in his hand like that and he goes, your reign of terror is over. And I said, how did you know it was me? He said, you're wearing the bag. Oh,

So not only did I not get to hear the dulcet tones on Alison Moyet. Upstairs at Eric's. I also ended up losing a kidney to bat beatings. That's got to hurt. What's on the back? My baby loves it. All right. That one's on the back of two suits. Number eight. All right. Number eight is great. Yeah. It really was. It's a great episode. It's a great episode. Um.

And that's all we have time for on this part two. Can you believe it? I can't. Scott, I can't. But we're going to be back. We're going to be back with part three and part four. We'll be back next week. Again someday? Oh, next week. Oh, okay. That's sooner than I thought. Yeah. No need to couch it in someday. I thought it was some undetermined time in the future, but you're saying next week. So we're going to melt our snowmen. Yeah, we're going to melt into a puddle. And then hopefully someone will put a hat on us.

All right, we'll see you on Monday for part three where we count down seven, six, five, and four. We will be back then. Come back Monday. Don't be a Garfield. We'll see you then. Thanks, bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadioBoom.com. The wolf dead.

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