Best of 2014 Pt 3
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Comedy Bang Bang

Pandas are philanderers, squirrels truly immoral, tadpoles, why they're just bad souls, but the foulest beast of all, Colombian night monkeys. They're simply foul creatures. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Now that drawing out of the word monkeys. That was because I realized, because it said monkey.

Monkey! But I realized I didn't have the whole thing, so I had to click on the link, and it took me to the rest of the catchphrase. I see, I see. That was submitted by TheVoblex again. Hey, Voblex! Wow, TheVoblex is really racking up the catchphrases. Two mons in a row. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, and Scott Aukerman here. This is Best of Part 3, our last episode of Deck. Ooh.

How's it feel? How's it feel? This is the last one of the year. Now we will be back again someday in Jan because New Year's Day. New Year's Day we'll have part four of the countdown. That's right. But this is our last episode of 2014 technically. And I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hello, Paul. Hi. Hello, everyone. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. That's true. My name is Paul F. Tompkins. That's also true. That's also true.

We had Tenacious D on the program for the first time this year. That seems odd that it was the first time. Yeah, I don't know why. It was a good one. That was a good one. That was a cracker. That was. We'll see if that ends up on the countdown. Oh.

But today we're going to be counting down. We already counted down 15 through 6. Yeah, I remember. And today we're going to count down 7 through 4. You said 15 through 6. Did you mean 15 through 8?

I did. All right. And thank you for holding my feet to the fire on that one. You are welcome. I think the public has a right to know that you made a mistake. These aren't the Pentagon Papers, Paul. Oh, was that the one with Ioni Sky? Yes, the Pentagon Papers. Where John Cusack held up the boombox? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's a great one.

Okay. If you're listening to Comedy Bang Bang for the first time, we're in the middle of – I mean why have you started on best of part three? I don't know. This is what I'm saying. I think it's people who – they think they deserve to be treated better than other people. So they say, I'm not going to listen to 15 through 6. Sorry, 8. Yeah.

I'm going to go skip ahead. Well, here's what I would say, dumbass. Why don't you just wait until New Year's Day and listen to the greatest – The top one. Yes. The final minute of the – The final minute of the number one.

Yeah. So I don't know. I hate those people is my point. I hate them too. So if this is your first episode you're ever listening to, I hate you. Yeah. I hate you. No, I don't. I still do. It's a strong word. It sure is. That's why I chose dit. Oh, my goodness. We're going to hear seven, six, five, and four on this. And I'm excited. We're getting into the meat of the matter. Oh, matter meat. I love matter meat. Well, meat is made of matter. Yeah. As Morrissey sang.

Meat is matter. Meat is matter. I don't know where that song goes. It's over wood and it's matter. The worst Smith song of all time. Meat is murder? And I am a huge Smith fan. You are. I cannot listen to it. First of all, it has the sounds of animals being killed as a sound bed. Isn't that also in...

Oh, what's isn't that? It's in that song. That fun song. We are young. We are young. Is the sounds of animals being in the background? Don't you hear the animals being slaughtered? There's this thing, the bolt they fire into the cow's brain. We are young. That's fun. Literally. What'd you say?

I said, yonke. Yonke. Guys, we're having fun already. We are. This is part three. Sorry to all of you listening. Sorry. Sorry, Gilly. We are counting down your top ten, and yeah, we're getting to the ones that are higher on the countdown, which signifies that they are the best. According to you, the audience. According to Jim as well.

He weighs in. Now, Jim Belushi weighs in on these. He does. We keep strict counsel with him. Yeah. We always check in with Jim. Yeah. Regarding these. He seems like a guy... Jim Belushi seems like a guy who would begin a lot of sentences with, you know what you should do? You look like him when you... Ew! How dare you? No, but you made a face just like him. It was uncanny. Like a sort of super condescending face? Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. It was like your face transformed into him when you said that. It's like a face that says...

I think you're stupid and I'm generously offering to help you out. Right. Yeah. I just tried to do it. Oh, man. You look just like him. What were you going to say, though? Sorry to keep interrupting. Kill yourself. According to Jim, I should kill myself. Do you think he says according to Jim a lot? Like talks about himself in the third person? Why wouldn't he? Jim, if you're listening, come on the show. We have so many questions for you. According to us. Hello. Hello.

We'll see if I'm back with Michael Jackson. He made it on the countdown. Spoiler alert, it does not. What were you going to say? Nothing. I think I was just fucking around. Why don't we just get into it then? Get into number seven on the countdown. Yeah. All right, this is number seven. Number seven. Do you have any guesses? Why does this make me feel...

It bothers me that I don't have a good guess, but why should I? Why should you? Why would I have the numbers of the episodes memorized? No, I haven't even said the number of the episode. I'm just saying. Oh, that's even worse. Do you have any guess? No, I don't. Why would you? This is episode 312. Okay. Already we had broken off another hundo, and we're 12 episodes deep at this point. This is an episode called Grounded Me at Symbol.

Grounded meat, in other words. And this is an episode with our good friend Andy Samberg from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. That's right. And Lorne Lapkus again. I know this episode. I bet you do. This is one of my favorite scenes.

of all time favorite sub of all time yeah this is uh Andy is kind enough to come on the show every year um around the same time to promote uh whatever's going on in his life and it's happened to be Brooklyn Nine-Nine the past couple years it's very kind of him and this episode in particular is uh

It's a really fun one. He's been coming on since the very beginning. I think the first episode he was ever on was with Andy Daly and Zach Galifianakis and him. And that's pretty early in the run. That's an amazing lineup, Scott. That's probably episode 18-ish, somewhere around there. We should listen to that one instead. No, no. Let's listen to this one. But I will say, I was listening to it today in order to cut out the clip of it. And this is, I think, Andy at his most relaxed and most having fun. This was...

And I originally I was sort of like, wow, I can't believe that place so high grounded me at. And I listened to it again today. And it's just a delight from start to finish. It really is. All three of us are having so much fun in it. I think it brought a lot of new listeners to the show, because if you look at the SoundCloud player for this episode, which is how I was getting the clip together, there are a lot of comments from people saying, oh, my God, what is this show?

This is the most bizarre interview, but it's so funny all the way through. So I think it brought a lot of new listeners to the show. And, you know, it's just a really fun episode all the way through. And quite frankly, Andy was happy that when he walked in the room, because I didn't tell him who he was appearing with, Adam Pally was not there. Bro was not there.

Did he mention like, oh, I'm so glad. For a second I thought Adam Pally was going to be here. Adam Pally might be here. And by the way, he said it in jest, but I made him do it with Adam Pally a couple years in a row because the first one was so funny where he played bro. A very thinly constructed character. And a very negative character who shuts down bits a lot. So then I thought it was so funny I had him do it again and maybe Lightning didn't strike twice.

Because the second time, Adam completely abandons the character like so fast. Yeah, so fast. And he's just himself. Yeah. So in this episode, Lauren Lapkus, who plays Tracy Reardon on the show as well as several other characters, Ho-Ho the night elf. Ho-Ho!

She is playing my nephew Todd, who – and I can never get the facts straight on this character. Because she had done it once before, right? She had done it twice before, I believe. The first time she just played my nephew Todd, who is my sister's son we had established, staying with me for a long protracted amount of time. The second time she was on, she played Todd, who had made a wish on a carnival machine and had gotten older. Yeah.

So it was 30-year-old Todd. This time, Todd is back to being – and she won't say what age that Todd is. She just keeps saying middle school. Middle school. So Todd is 12 or 13 or something like that. Now, so it's Todd and Andy, and we're just going to hear a selection of clips from this show. And I think –

This one turned into such a fan favorite, and I have included the clip of I Think Why, although people have called it one of the most painful segments to listen to. I don't know what they're talking about. I don't know what they're talking about. What was painful about that? We'll hear it. We'll hear it, and then we'll talk about it after. But this includes the Hollywood Facts theme song. This is Grounded Me. It also includes it. This is your number seven. Number seven.

Todd, this is Andy, by the way. I'm really excited to meet you. Hi. What's up? Seen all your vids online. Oh, right on. Vids? Wow. That's how they talk. Yeah, kids today. How old of a man are you again, Todd? Middle school. Middle school? Is that really how old you are? I don't know.

I don't remember. Let me explain, Andy, what happened. The last time Todd was on the program, he was a – how old of a man were you at that point? You were like a 30-year-old man. Well, I became 30 from making a wish on a machine at a carnival. Total big situation. Classic big. Classic big. But I shrunk back down, but my penis stayed big.

Oh, that's so tight. Yeah, it stayed grown up. That probably plays really nice in the junior high world. Yeah, but people think it's kind of weird. To have such a big penis? Yeah, because it looks like a dad penis. Did your pubes shrink back down as well? Pubes stayed big. Oh, that's good. Okay. So you just have a giant boosh? Yeah, a big boosh on a big ween. Small butt. I can't believe you didn't say a mighty boosh. Yeah, that's true. Hey, props to those guys. Hey, props to mighty boosh. Big shout out. Mm.

Great big shout out. All right, I'm going to take off. All right, later, man. Thanks. Let me talk to Todd for a while.

Todd, this is Andy Samberg. You must be a big fan. You're in middle school. That's my demo. You must have grown up with his comedy. Yeah. His comedy must have been almost like an absentee father to you. Yeah, it kind of was, considering I don't have a dad, really. My parents kind of leave me with you all the friggin' time, and you're not much of a role model. That's true. Hey, I don't pretend to be one. Yeah, well, yeah, not even to me.

But Scott, don't you remember that time we were hanging out at dinner and you were like, I kind of feel like I'm a role model to Todd. Oh, God, I did say that. You did not say that. I did say that. I think you were just being bragging. Wait, I said I was a bad role model to Todd. That's true. Todd, let your uncle off the hook on this one. That makes more sense. You said it in a sentence, though. That was Uncle Andy's fault. Yep. Are you my uncle? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did I say? Oh my God, I'm so lucky. No, I meant it like the way that LL Cool J calls himself Uncle L. Does he call himself Uncle L? Yeah, he used to. I don't know if he still does. I imagine he still does. Are the ladies who love him his nieces? Ladies love uncles. Ladies love Uncle Cool J. Yeah.

Lady nieces love Cool James. What do you think about LL Cool J, Andy? He, of course, has been hosting a lot of things lately. He's got that NCIS LA show. And so didn't he host the Grammys or something recently? And he had a moment of silence and stuff. He hosted the Grammys two years in a row, I think. Yeah. Good stuff. He's a positive force in the entertainment world. He puts out a lot of good energy. He's a force for good. And that's what we can all ascribe to be.

And another thing I'll say is I heard somebody broke into his house and he beat the shit out of them. So I'm not going to say anything negative about him. Well, I'll say something. Aspire, maybe I meant? Yes. He licks his lips like he's making girls horny. Yeah. Like he's making girls horny. Yeah. He looks them like he's like, oh, they want it. I wonder if that goes through his mind as he's talking. I think it does. Just like, oh, I bet I'm making girls horny now. Gives it a little lick. Yeah.

Do you think that's it? Andy, you're not going to say anything. I think he definitely makes that sound every time. It's really weird watching the Grammys where he's like, all right, our next presenters. He was in the Foo Fighters. But they want him to host every year. Spot on impression. Yeah, good stuff. Andy, B99, it's a runaway hit. You've heard of a runaway bride, but a hit? Yes, this is it.

That rhymed. Yep. And B99, you went home with a GG this year. Double GGs. The GG Allen of awards. I got dose Gs. Dose, dose, dose Gs. Do you get a GG for the show because you're a producer? I do indeed. Love it. Two GGs. Dirty little secret from a dirty little not liar. They're just hanging. Yeah. They keep each other company. Cool.

And they're just little dinkers. Yeah. You ever like make them talk to each other? Like in the bath, Billy Madison style? Uh-huh. You're like, I'm the golden globe. Like that. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Do a little more of your Adam Sandler version. I do modern Sandler more than the old Sandler. Yeah, yeah. What's the difference? What's the diff? Young Sandler was a lot squeakier. It was a lot of, ooh, you, you, that stuff. Everyone's voice deepens. Now he's kind of, how's it going, buddy? Okay.

Hey, buddy. Well, you did a movie with him and talk about Runaway Bride. So I should know. Runaway Bride is a movie. Yeah. A movie like the Runaway Bride is what we did together. Yeah.

And... It was The Runaway Bride 2. Yeah, that's true. That was the movie we did. All male cast. All male cast. If you view it through that prism, it actually is pretty good, don't you think? If you view it of like, hey, this is the sequel to Runaway Bride. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Surprising casting, but still really good. Sure.

What do we have? Todd, do you have questions about Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Yeah. Well, my main question is, do you ever get to, like, kiss a girl on it or, like, do anything like that? Yeah, I've kissed a few girls on it. It's pretty standard TV stuff. So, like, when you're doing that, are you, like, thinking about when you want to take them home or, like, you know, being a girlfriend or?

No, no. I mean, it's mostly just acting, but I mean, do you need advice or... Yeah, I'm like wondering like when you kiss someone, like what do you do with your mouth and what do you do with your arms? Well, I find... I'd like to know that too. I find if you leave your arms like just straight down at your sides... Kind of mannequin style? Really tight mannequin style, like...

I think that's kind of cool. All right, I'll do it if I ever get the opportunity. What do you do with your, I was wondering, what do you do with your teeth? Like, I know what to do with my lips. I know what to do with my tongue. I know what to do with my esophagus. I just tell my teeth to take a hike. Okay, guys. Take a breather for a sec. Yeah, if this mouth is rocking, don't come being a teething. Yep. How many cavities have you ever had in your life? Oh,

I'm going to say at least six or seven. Six or seven, yeah. How do you feel those bad boys? What are my choices again? A lot of people used to use gold. Gold. I use...

Pool's gold. Ooh. Yeah, save a buck or two. Sure, why not? In this economy? If Uncle Scott's your uncle, you use gum. You just shove gum in your teeth and then hope it goes away. I don't think that I should be saddled with your dentistry bills. Yeah, my teeth hurt. That's not my balawick. I mean, I'm sorry. It's not my responsibility.

You got to dumb it down for Todd. I didn't know that word either. What is it? Bailiwick? Bailiwick, yeah. That's the thing that Gandalf fights at the end of the middle one. Yeah, exactly, yeah. It's his responsibility to fight it. That's how we came up with that word. But no, look, I mean, look, you've been staying with me far too long, by the way. You got dropped off on Memorial Day. In the mines of Moria. Mm-hmm. Sorry. No, keep going. Every other sentence, I want to hear more of this story. And then you were supposed to leave on Labor Day. Mm-hmm.

I thought you were going to add a sentence in this. The Bollywog. Bollywog. As far as I'm concerned, we're three weeks after Labor Day at this point. You haven't left. I'm trying to have eternal summer. You're not going to school or anything. I don't want to go to school. I want to hang out with you all day. What state do you live in?

California? Right, right. With you? Basically, you're basically my new dad. My mom doesn't even care. You better call your sister and try to get her back here. Oh, God. But when you're not staying with your Uncle Scott, are you in Antarctica still? Yeah, I go back to Antarctica where I freeze my little butt off all year. Metallica played there, so that must have been fun. Wicked cool. I never get to go to anything cool. I'm always grounded. Always in trouble. Who was in the audience at that show? A bunch of polar bears? Polar bears and penguins? Yeah. Hey, high five on that.

Double. That was more like a high ten. Wait. And high five. High five. Oh, there we did. Yep. No one can see that, so they probably think it's as funny as us. Yep. 100%.

So Todd, I mean, come on. When are you going home? I don't have the food for you. I'm running out of food in the pantry. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel like my mom doesn't even want me to come back probably. That's kind of how it feels right now. She just told you to watch me and she took off. Yeah, that's her though. It's just you and me. We should be a sitcom. She's been, I don't know. I mean, you know, Andy, you're the king of sitcoms now. Nope. You lie atop the throne.

Of sitcom nobility. Right. Is this a sitcom, me and Todd? He's my uncle. He always grounds me. He always makes me grounded meat.

And that's it. And it makes me fold this underwear and I can't watch TV ever. Grounded me, parentheses, A-T, end parentheses. There is maybe some trouble with at midnight with the at symbol. So maybe it's grounded me and then the at symbol? I don't know. Grounded me, at symbol, colon, me and my uncle trying to do it. Trying to do it. Live together. Maybe we should specify, yeah. Live together. And you say, like, explains. There needs to be a stage direction. Explains. Live together. How's that? Andy? Sorry.

So give me the whole thing one more time. Grounded me. At symbol. Yeah. Colon. Me and my uncle. Trying to do it. Explains. Live together. I think it's good. Okay. I'd see something with that long of a title. It would be original. I'd want to know why it was so long and probably it was probably the best thing that ever existed. So I'd have to watch it. Actually, I'm really sorry to interrupt. I think somebody actually did have a pilot called that this year. Oh, too bad. How'd it do? Who was in that?

Someone funny. Good. Every idea I had was too mean. I know who it was. It wasn't LL Cool J. Who was in it? It was all McDonald's mascots.

Old McDonald's? All the McDonald's mascots. Oh, I see. Grimace, Hamburglar, Fry Guy, the little shaky things. Hamburglar's stand-up is actually not bad. Yeah? A lot of people laugh him off, but he's got some edgy shit. Based upon the comedy of Hamburglar. That'd be a good one.

Series. Series? Is that what you call them? Series? Is that because there's a series of shows that happen sequentially? I would imagine so, yeah. Okay, good. I was wondering. It's good to touch base on stuff like that. How does the TV work? It's a bunch of tubes and amps. Is it tubes anymore? I don't think with flat screens you could fit tubes in there anymore. I think it's thousands of tiny little dots, right? Then again, my wife has tubes in her and...

Who knows? Who knows how that works? Well, you have tubes in you also. Yeah, that's true. They're all the same. Do you get them tied? Oh, yeah. Every day. Wow. That seems... It's a little bonut. Just drop by the dock. Hey. Overzealous. Can you make sure my tubes are tied today? Just give them another... He's like, still? He's like, all right, I'm cutting you back open. Yep, still tied. Oh, this mess. Todd, what...

What? In school. Why are you so annoyed by me? I just don't even do anything. It's my sister, all right? I have to admit. This has been her problem. She's been like this ever since she was growing up. Do you have siblings, Andy? Yeah, I have two older sisters. Two older sisters. Isn't it the same way with them? Like, you know what I mean? It's just like... When they're always like dumping my nephew on me to stay with me for months on end. Yeah. Do they ever do that? No. Stuff like that? No? Do you have a responsible sister? No.

Yeah, they're both pretty responsible. God, I wish I did. I mean, my sister... Responsible for my headaches. Oh, man. Oh, another high five? Wow, that was unexpected. Thank you. All accepted, though. Did you ever get grounded by your parents? Or your uncle? Yeah, I think once or twice. What'd you do? Just, like, killed a guy. Wow. See, I never really did anything that bad. Hey, but I was fucked up when I was little. Well, that's an excuse. I got into some shit. Scott knows. No!

I read your autobiography. Yeah, what was it called again? Salmon Upstream. Yep. And it keeps it on a high shelf so I can never reach it. No, I don't want you hanging out with Andy. I want to know everything about him. I just, I don't even want you here in the studio. I'm an open book, Todd. Shoot. Ask me anything. Go ahead, ask. All right. AMA. You ever, when you're sleeping next to your uncle, feel like you should get your own bed?

Well, I've been married to my uncle for several years, so no. I mean, I assume eventually we'll drift apart and sleep in separate rooms. But until that day... Look, it's a slippery slope. My answer is no. You can marry anything these days. Hey, don't call my uncle a slope. All right. No, I know that he's half Japanese, but it's... My uncle never proposed to me. Look, I'm not going to propose to you. He, by the way... Scott, you got cold feet, buddy? He...

Get in there. He keeps asking me to propose to him. I just want to have a family. Oh, God. You're too young for a family. Whatever. I don't have anything. It's weird to be married to me. My life sucks. Get married and adopt kids that are the same age as your nephew. Yeah, and I'll be their dad. I'll be in charge. Finally, laid out my own rules to stop listening to your garbage. Rule number one. Todd, go. You can do whatever you want, and the first thing you get to do is do what I want.

Which is? Watch TV all day long and all night and eat sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. I've never heard that as a descriptor for lollipops, the sucking ones. Sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops and suck on popsicles until everyone screams. Yeah. Look, I, you know, I work hard and when I get home I want to do what I want to do. What?

I want to watch TV. I want to suck on lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. Look, you know, you're the one staying with me, all right? We can't do what you want to do. Like, that lasted for about a week. I tried to entertain you and do what you wanted to do. I've been living there so long, it's practically my house. Yeah. So let me live my life. You always have tried to punish me and make yourself be the king. What do you want to do? What do you want to do with your life? I want to float in your pool for once. Yeah.

Pretend I'm dead? Please. Why do you want to pretend you're dead? This is the weird part. This is why I won't let you float in my pool. No, that is fun. Have you ever pretended you're dead in a pool? She's obsessed with the movie Sunset Boulevard. She freeze frames the opening. Who is she? Look, you know I like to call you a she. You rascal. To ridicule you. I'm a freaking boy. My dick's bigger than yours. That is true. Let's take our dicks out for one second. All right, look. All right, here we go.

I think this is leading to marriage. All right, let's compare these things. Compare Andy's. Wait. Okay, here's mine. All right, here we go. Zip. All right, let's put him in sort of a- Flufflunk. Oh, shit. Damn. And that's what I got. Why do you say flufflunk when you take your dick out? No, that was the sound of the wind. Oh, interesting. And then the table. Oh, okay, let's put him in a pyramid situation. Pyramid situation. All right. Two on the bottom, one on the top. Who wants to be on the top? You do. Okay, I'll be on the top. Andy- Wait, a pyramid or a log cabin?

It's like a gold brick. Yeah, a pyramid if you're a cheerleader. Does that make sense? Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, okay. Or a log. I was thinking a pyramid like a teepee style. Right, yeah. We can do that. We'd have to get them erect. No, two teepee and one is inside like a person. Andy, what is happening right here? I'm like a Foley artist today. I am making a sound effects record, by the way. That could be track 13. Ooh. Can we get that clean? Yeah, ready? And can we get that clean? Yeah.

Great. Track 13. Paul F., if you're listening to this, this goes on your sound effects record. That was cool. I don't even know what that sounded like. Hey, you know, that's what's great about it. For a sound effects record, you can just apply it to anything. You can repurpose it, yeah. It sounded to me like pressing your butt cheeks together over and over. Do you do that? Yeah, it's how I make my dick hard.

It is weird that you're... How old are you, 11? Whatever, middle school age. Okay. But with a full-sized man's penis. Full-sized man's penis that is rock hard 23 out of the 24 hours a day. Assuming that he's mushing his butt cheeks back and forth. Yeah, it's my old man butt play.

Yeah. You have a tight butt, though, I have to say. Work it out. Thanks for noticing, honey. I think this is heading to marriage. Wait, I think we've figured out what the sitcom is about. It's not about a nephew staying with his uncle. It's about a nephew who married his uncle.

Sounds like it's about you then. It's like a cautionary tale. Yeah, well, I could write it and you guys could star. Sounds perfect. You got two golden globes on your side. I mean, I guess I could eat pee. Eat pee? Cool. I could eat pee.

Hey, do you want to eat some pee tonight? And then just munch some sucking lollipops. You know, we don't play Hollywood Facts anymore, and you did the theme song to it. So, you know, no matter what game we play, I feel like we should play the Hollywood Facts theme. It's time to play What Am I Thinking?

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts. Bro. Yep. Still holds up. Still holds up.

Ah, you know what? This goes to the day we recorded it. If we listen to it 17 more times, we can memorize it. Let's hear it one more time.

I'm

Can we all do it once without the music and try to say it? All right, here we go. Ooh, that's much better. Okay, first it goes, nice. Well, it's Hollywood, Fex. Going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. There's lots of glamour. There's glitz and glamour and lots of stars. Clubs.

Clubs. Clubs? Bars. Lots of stars and then it goes to bars. Lots of stars. Lots of bars. And lots of bars. Going down Chinese. We got to hear it one more time.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Okay, shut up. Check out your dicks. Shut up, shut up. Check out the facts. All right, here we go. All right.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Well, you gotta do the facts and know your stars. Get a drink at a bar. Get a bunch of drinks at a bar. I know, gotta hear it again. This is excruciating. Gotta hear it again. Hey, Sam. Sam!

Night. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. All right, shut up.

Everybody know your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of stars. Lots of bars. Yeah, here we go. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts. I'm going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Gotta know your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars.

Let's hear it again. Get a drink at a club. And walk in front of the Chinese theater. Walk outside. No, got to hear it again. Now, walk outside. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Got it. Hollywood Facts.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Gotta know your facts and know your stars. Gotta do your facts. Isn't it? Everybody know facts? Everybody do your facts and know your stars. You gotta do your facts and know your stars. Gotta do your facts. Nice.

Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and... Everybody do your facts. Everybody do your facts. I know your stars. I know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club and then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts.

Take out your dicks. Okay, here we go. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. Glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. And then walk in front of a Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dicks. Hollywood Facts. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts.

Fuck. We'll never get this. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts. That was really good. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts, bro. That's as good as this kind of cat. Felt really satisfying.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club and then walk in front of the Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts.

Take out your dicks. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro. Nailed it. Someone put a beat under that and send it to us. Nice. No, please not again. Okay. Number seven.

Ah, number seven, the Hollywood Facts theme song. I found that nothing but delightful. And especially because as it goes on and you guys are closing in on it, it's like you know that it's going to have a satisfying conclusion. And it did. I don't understand who would have an issue with that. Well, there's some grunt. Look, not everything is everybody's cup of tea. Well, you know what?

Switch up your tea brands. Idiots, switch up your tea bags. Oh, I loved it. This was one of my favorites.

Two favorite episodes of the year. Really? I listen to the show every week. You do. You're very kind. I am a fan. I don't do it out of kindness. It's selfish reasons because it makes me laugh. You are like Robert De Niro in that Wesley Snipes film. A fan. Perhaps the fan. He was the fan. He was the eponymous fan. A titular fan. And this – there were two episodes that were to me –

But so far above in terms of just the amount of fun that you felt, like, honest to God, the word for me is delightful. This one was delightful. I hope the other one has made it into the top ten. Oh, I hope so. Mouth what it is. I'm not even going to. You're not even going to tell? Okay, great. Keep that as a surprise for me. Every once in a while, I feel like...

Because, look, we don't plan the show out a lot or at all, really. We just kind of sit down and I try to – as a producer of it, I try to put together people that I hope will work well together. And sometimes you strike –

You strike it rich in terms of like you wouldn't have expected. I think number 15 on our countdown, little button puss, three people who didn't really know each other at all, Kevin Allison, whom I had never met at that point. Right. And Pam Murphy and John Gemberling, a strange collection of people. And I didn't know whether it would work well together, but I just haphazardly put them together. All of a sudden. Yeah.

And then you just – you strike gold somehow. But I think that's what a lot of these episodes have in common is we are having fun while we do it. And there's that old improv adage of follow the fun. And when people are having a good time and you can tell that they're having a good time, that's what makes for a good episode I think. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, speaking of good episodes –

We're going to get to number six after this break. And that is another one that I think is another one where we're having a lot of fun, but it's very divisive. We'll get to number six right after this. What's the best thing to ever do? Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Oh, man, this holiday season, I am catching up on my sleep.

It is the best and most important thing that you do a lot. What if we didn't sleep? How weird would that be? We're just up all the time. I don't know. I like it. But what's really important, in my opinion, is to know that you're sleeping on a good mattress. But what I mean, what is that even? What is a good mattress?

The last time I bought a mattress, I went into a bed store. I jumped on it for about two minutes. I laid down and I went, yeah, I think that's good. And then it was okay. I don't know. Getting that mattress can be tough. They cost a lot. Mattresses are very expensive. And who knows if they're going to be comfy, you know, because you're just laying on it right there. It's not like you... Bed stores should let you go to sleep there overnight. I'm calling it right now. If you want to start a great bed store...

Let people sleep there. Anyway, luckily we have Casper sponsoring today's show and they've solved the problems of mattress buying. Not only is it an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price with free delivery, they have a 100 day free trial. That's like a third of the year. And how do I know this? Well, because they delivered one to me. Yes, I've been on the same mattress for about a decade now.

And it's been all right. They called me up. Well, actually, it was an email. I don't want to lie on this. It was an email. And they said, can we send you a free mattress? And I said, but of course, good sirs. They sent it to me very quickly. They delivered it in a cute box. And boom, there's a big old comfy mattress inside the box. I've been sleeping on it. It's awesome. I sleep very well now, whether it's on my side, stomach upside down, or like a

We'll be right back.

That's right. If you know you need a mattress but you're nervous, don't worry because if you don't love it, they will come and pick it back up. So get on over to casper.com slash bangbang. Use the promo code bangbang and you will get $50 off any of their mattresses. That's right. They're already cheap mattresses. You'll get $50 off. casper.com slash bangbang for $50 off and I'll see you in your dreams. Come on.

Comedy bang bang. We're back. Best of part three. B-O-P-3. Bopper. Bopther. Bop three. Bop three. Bop three. Bop three to me and you and now we go to bop three. Bop three and bop. Bop three and. Bop three and.

Okay, let's talk about what happened. Hey, let's clear the air. Let's clear the air about what happened. Let's get this out there. All right. To the listener, unless you paused this for about a week. Weird. We were just talking about episode number seven on our countdown. That's right. Andy Samberg grounded me at...

And a mere couple of minutes have passed because you've been listening to an advertisement, I believe. And here we are back. Yet to Paul F. Tompkins and I, we have not seen each other in five days or so. How is that possible? Can I explain it?

Well, I wish you would. Wish someone would. There was – Scott and I were – we got to this part in the podcast, seven, talking about how, oh, this episode filled me with delight. Scott wanted to know, what is the episode – the other one that I was like, I wouldn't tell you. You have to guess. Then –

We gradually stopped talking. We did. We just were staring at each other. We went down from about 50 miles an hour down to about one. Yeah. And then zero. Then wordlessly, we stood up from the table. We walked out the door. And then I don't know what happened to me between now and then. I don't remember. It was some sort of invasion of the body snatcher situation where we just looked at each other.

I feel like I welcomed the body snatchers. Maybe it's my fault. They weren't invading. They weren't invading. They were cordially invited. But we did – we have not seen each other in five days. I believe we ran out of time. You and I ran out of time. Yes.

And I had not accumulated the clips for the further episodes, so it was kind of a happy accident. You've heard of – A happy accident. You've heard of Happy Madison. I have. Creator of some of the great films of the past 20 years. Such as Happy Gilmore. Or Billy Madison. Wait a minute. I think that's how they got their name. Right.

Maybe not. That's a bit of a stretch. I'm so sorry. Gilmore Girls, of course. Of course. They were the creator of the Gilmore Girls. A spinoff of Happy Gilmore. Yes. They were Happy Gilmore's children. That's right. Yeah.

The Gilmore Girls. Yeah, that's right. They were not mother and daughter. They were sisters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the secret. If it had gone another season, they would have revealed. Would have been revealed. That they were actually sisters and daughters to Happy Gilmore. Ancestrous relationship between Happy Gilmore and Lorelai Gilmore.

She gives birth to her own sister. What are we talking about? Oh, yes. We ran out of time and I ran out of clips. And so we decided to adjourn. We are back now. We're wearing different clothes. So if you're looking at the pictures. Thank you, Paul. That's exactly what I was trying to say. I knew it. If you're checking out the pictographs, we are wearing different clothes. And also we are wearing sunglasses. Yeah. Because I – Wait, wait, wait.

If you heard that noise, that's Paul slapping the microphone away so he can take a better picture. Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of my job, which is talking, so I'm going to take a candid photo. You're doing a fake behind the scenes. Sure. I'm gesticulating more than I normally would. I'm doing it as if this is meet the cast.

But I woke up today with a super dry eye and... SDE. And it seems to be watering. I went into the bathroom and I slapped cold water on my face. I didn't splash it. I slapped it. Slapped it. And...

It's still not helping, so I decided to put on my sunglasses, but I feel like a bit of a douche. Well, you look like one, two. Now, you say it's very dry, but it's watering. Now, these two things seem at odds with each other, Scott. Because I'm constantly blinking and I'm trying to get enough water, which makes it then water. I can't find the right— Okay, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Good science. Yeah.

Science! She blinded me? With science? We've talked about this on the show. We have, and we'll talk about it again. And many more on Channel 4. But yes, we took a bit of a break, but thankfully, dear listener, you did not need to take a break. We are picking right back up from whence we stopped. That's right. And we are going into the aforementioned very controversial number six. Number six.

That's right. Number six on our countdown. Controversial. What do you think it is, Paul? Hmm. You're saying there's a bit of controversy. Was the special guest Prince singing his great hit Controversy? That's right. I think that would have been a different song if he had pronounced it thusly. Controversy. Controversy.

Because it's controversy. Controversy. What if Prince made a song that was all baby noises? I bet it would be good. What if it was just that guy from the Dukes of Hazzard? Anus. Anus. I always thought he was saying anus when I was a kid. And I was like, how did they get away with naming a character anus? A character anus.

And then there was a spinoff named Anus. Oh, I forgot he had his own show. He had his own show where he just like pulled down his trousers, bent over, showed his butthole to everyone. For the children, Scott is referring to a TV show called The Dukes of Hazzard. The character, Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane, who is the corrupt...

Law enforcement official of Hazard County. Or Hazard Holler? Hazard County. Maybe. Hazard County, I believe. Hazard County. Yeah. I was not allowed to watch that when I was a child. I was told it was a dirty show, I believe because Roscoe P. Coltrane called anus a dipstick and because his name was anus.

Yeah. I think that was all it took. Dipstick was objectionable. Yes. The same way that my brother got in trouble for writing school sucks on a school thing. School sucks. Not because he was, I believe he was in the fifth grade. Not because of the sentiment of school is bad, but because that at the time meant sucks cock. Yes.

I had a friend – my best friend in high school, his father was very religious. We went to Catholic school and his father was deeply devout and got mad at him for saying scumbag. Yes, because that's a condom. Condoms, yes. Yes, and a scumbag traditionally has semen inside at the very tip.

Yeah. Well, when you're done with it. Certainly. Hopefully when you're starting with one. But like were people back in, what is this, like the turn of the century or something? Were they going into their apothecary and saying, I need a packet of scumbags? I need a scumbag, please. Right. I need a scumbag. Oi. Oi. Get on your little ladder. I see. Have you any scumbags to lend? To lend? Yes.

I'll return them to you. I know they're very dear. No, okay. Controversy. All right. All right. Controversy. This is number six. This is episode 285. In a very controversial episode, this is an episode called Solo Bolo. Controversy.

Controversial, really? Controversial because some people did not like it. I thought people loved it. Some people loved it and enough people loved it. It's number six on the countdown, which is a surprise to me. That's pretty high up. I thought, and you've taken off your sunglasses, by the way. I can't bear it anymore. Do I need to do it? No. I'll try it. Hey, look, you're the one who's infirm, so... I'll try to. I'll try to...

Power through. Power through. There's also soldier through. Until then, you'll have to muddle through somehow. So take those goddamn sunglasses off your face now.

Great job. We really saved it at the end. I almost went off the rails. Man, if a song doesn't rhyme, it's not a song. No. Poems? Songs. Must rhyme. Raps? Raps. Solo bolo. What is a solo bolo? Let me explain this to the uninitiated. Everyone knows. How about this? Pretend people don't know what a solo bolo is. Or a sobo, as we called it. Sobo!

Ben Schwartz was on the show. I believe we talk about this in the clips, but I'll try to encapsulate it in a very short manner. But Ben Schwartz was on a show and we have such a good time talking for the first 20 minutes or so just together before a character comes in that he said, you know, we really should try to do a whole show where we just talk to each other for an hour and 20 minutes. And we'll call that a solo bolo. We decided to do it.

We did it. We kept the balls up in the air for quite a long time. And then we released it as a bonus episode. Or should I say a bonus episode? And people loved it or hated it.

And I got a lot of messages saying, please don't ever do that ever again, which I thought was... That's extreme. I thought that was a bit rude considering I don't have to put out bonus episodes. No. Or should I say, b-b-b-b-bonus. That is like...

Why bother saying that? It's so crazy to me. I don't get it. I don't understand. Don't listen to it. You can turn it off so easily. Yeah, but I do have to say some people are completists and like to hear every single episode. Go to a doctor and have your fucking head examined. What kind of doctor? You shouldn't be, I'm going to say. Neurologist? Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Open it up. The problem might be super deep.

Like the idea of writing to someone and saying, please don't do that again is absurd to me. I guess I should be encouraged if they said please. That's true. They were very polite about it. But no, a lot of people loved it. But it is a surprise to me that it is so high on the countdown.

eclipsing such episodes as, you know, Victor and Tiny's podcast and stuff. But people loved it. So we're going to play a selection of clips from the Solo Bolo. And this is and it's purely just Ben and I fucking around. And some people enjoyed it because they said that it's me off the leash.

Do you feel like you're on a leash when you do the show normally? I'm constantly on a leash and I hate it. You feel like, oh, I should really keep this show moving along and make sure everything makes sense. Dollars and cents, my dear boy. That said, this is clip number six. This is the solo bolo. Number six. Last time Ben was on the show.

I'd like to say it was our first episode back after the Christmas break. Okay. Ho, ho, ho. That is Santa. That's Santa. Got it? Well, I'm sorry. I forgot you were Jewish. That's fine. He's the patriarch of Christmas, which is a holiday. So he's our Hanukkah Harry who goes, locks anyone? That's him. Is that true? That is true. So you have ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas. You have locks anyone. Anyway, all of that died down. Meanwhile, Ben Schwartz.

Gets it in his head. Hey, I want to go on Comedy Bang Bang. I was the one who called you? I'm sure that's exactly how it went. Okay, so far this seems a little bit weird. And you're like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Scotty Ox, get me on. And I said, you know what, man? I'm on vacation, but I'm coming out of retirement for you. Really? Boom goes the dynamite. I get in here. I flip the switches. I'm like, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip. The soundboard starts humming. This is the funniest you've ever been in.

Now you may be self-conscious. Go, go. I get in here and I'm like, Benny Schwoz, get in here, brother. We class pants. A friendship is forged. Yeah. I pull you inside because you don't want to come in and you're like, it's not polite. It's not polite. I'm like, get in here, you dirty scumbag bitch. Scumbag bitch. And you got in here. You just said, is this my mic?

And I was like, Benny, you know which mic is yours. I use the same mic every time, by the way. I love that about you. It's a solo bolo. Do you even know that or no? I do. I use the same mic every time. I actually wondered for the solo bolo if you were going to sit in your spot. Because we always usually look at the other people. Yeah, but instead we're kind of No, we're a face-off. We're very close. That's why I can kick you. Yeah, you can kick me. I like

being closed when we do it I like it I can kiss you if I want to do let's say by the end the gift to both of us would be a kiss okay let's just say like if we get to the end of this show if it's successful Sobo oh but are you calling it a Sobo now I want to throw in a nickname is that fine just the Sobo we've barely established Solo Bolo but let's see what happens okay

So you've been on the show several times. Many times. Talk about your... Experience on the show? Yes. What it's like to be on this show? Yes, please. Being on this show is... Have you ever had to take a shit really bad? I don't remember, but I'm assuming if I'm a human being, yes. Okay, so let's say for some reason you have, right? It's like having to take a shit really bad and then to get on the toilet is like picking up this microphone. And then to start this fucking solo bolo is like...

Do you think we could take any song? This is what the challenge is. We take any song and we put a fart in it and we see if neither one of us laughs.

Okay? All right, let's try to do this. And we do it together? We sing it together. Okay. We have to pick a song that we know. Right. And we see if we put the fart in the same place, and then we see if we don't laugh. Should we not look at each other? No, I'm going to look down. Okay. I'm going to look in front of me. This is the first time. So, Wynn, what song are we picking? Ben and I, by the way, if you've never heard one of our shows before, we like to sing together. We sing quite a bit. We have wonderful voices, and you love them. We have... Oh, my God, dude, look how I signed this. Maybe, like, a bunch of months ago. Whoa, solo ball!

See? I told you you came up with Solo Bolo. No, you said it and I put it down. Nope. All right, ready? The song we will sing is... What's a good old one? How about Duke's Hazard theme song? Don't know it. How does it go? It's a good old boy. That's all I know from it. Well, that would have been terrible. Why would you pick something you don't know? No.

That's a good point. I don't know a lot of lyrics to a lot of songs. What about, it's a rare condition, this day and age. I don't even know what that's from. Reading the good news, the news. Oh, Family Matters, probably. How about from Hair? No. Manchester, England, England. Here we go. Manchester, England, England. Across the Atlantic Sea.

And I am a genius ropist. Ropist? I'm a genius ropist? What about this? What about... Oh, how about... I got it. Pure Imagination, Willy Wonka. Okay. Weird lyrics in this song. I don't even know if I know the... Come with me and you'll see the world of pure imagination.

Nope. And you'll be... Well, you laughed. If you want to view... It show... Oh, God. Oh. Oh.

Oh, God. Mr. Wonka. Mr. Wonka, are you okay? Simply look around and view it. Can I stop you for a second, Mr. Wonka? Yes, I'm sorry. What's wrong? You, first of all, wonderful singing. Oh, I love your voice. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. You know what? I love this chocolate factory. Oh. With all my heart. I love working here. You should see my chocolate factory. How old are you, little boy?

I'm five years old. Oh, good. I am seeing your chocolate factory as far as I know. I'm working within it. Right. Soon you'll be working deep within it. Keep going. What? Okay. This is very disturbing, but I feel like I'm being sexually harassed. I can't even get to-

Now this song is taking on a few creepy overtones. But this isn't even why I came to see you. Okay, tell me what it is. I merely wanted to say beautiful singing. I love everything about it. Love the song. Love the sentiment behind it. And yet, I wonder why you're constantly farting during it. I'm sorry, I'm what?

Constantly farting. I don't know if I'm farting. Can you tell me if I'm farting? I can and in fact did. Point to me or say now when you hear a fart because I never hear myself. All right. I would say that you... Okay, go ahead. If you want to view paradise, simply...

Can I stop you for a second? I was pointing at you. Not only that, but you stopped singing during your farts. I don't think I did. Quite honestly, yeah, everyone heard it. Right there, yeah. It's happening right there. All right. Okay, so what do you want me to do? The oompas are concerned. What are the oompas going to do? They're one feet tall and seven feet wide. It's not concern for themselves. They're concerned for your health. Oh.

They're wondering if you have some sort of digestive problem. Okay, all right. I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anybody. Oh, my God. This isn't going on the record anyway, right? No, I'm a five-year-old boy, so I can keep a secret. By the way, your grandpa's not around, right? I don't believe so. And you still sleep head to toe with him? Oh, of course, yeah. When his toes are in my nose, my nose is in his toes. When his toes are in my nose, his nose are in my toes, talking toes, nose. Toes.

Nose and nose. Okay, so you gotta swear to me you won't tell anybody about this. Hey, you know what? I swear on all of my dead relatives. Do you swear on... Here, swear on this penis. Put your hand on this penis. Okay, well, this is highly irregular. Put your hand on this penis. Where did you get this penis? Put your hand on it. Okay. Okay, now say, I swear. Wait a minute, is this your penis? Okay, you did well. Take your hand off. I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anybody before. Okay, here we go. I'm allergic to chocolate.

I thought so. I'm allergic to chocolate. When I eat chocolate, I get very gassy. It's not good. I break out in my eyes. That was what was going on. Why did you ever start a chocolate factory? Because you always covet the thing that you don't want. Oh, yeah. Think about it. Jesus wanted full hands. That was his big thing, but he always had holes in his. He had holes in his hands. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. And Cookie Monster can't eat things. You see, it never goes in his mouth, so he always wants to eat cookies. Yeah, because instead they just fall right out of his mouth. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? This is fucking crazy.

Okay, now can I ask you for one more favor? Okay, sure. Have you ever played the game Down, Down, Up, Up?

I played down down, but not up up. No. Okay. Well, down down, up up. It's probably very similar. Okay. First, you got to take off your pants. And then you take down your shroomies. You got to pull up your ding dong. And then you're going down and up up with me. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. boom. boom

But ain't that it? By the way, when you get a solo bolo, you gotta expect all music, all farts and dicky jokes. You have to do it. You know, I've seen, you know, I'm an intense Simpsons fan. Intense. Intense. Do you watch the Simpsons or did you used to when you were growing up? Um, I, is that the show where they say dough? Um, I don't know.

Like, dough! I don't know. Like, one of the characters... I've seen every episode. I don't remember. One of the characters gets mad and the guy goes, dough! I don't remember anybody saying dough. Hmm. Wait a minute. Little yellow boy. I don't remember. Fuck. Troublemaker. Skating around. Dennis the Menace-y. Tooling around on a skateboard with a slingshot. Little girl with a saxophone. Little girl with a pacifier.

Man, I want to see Maggie grow up, by the way. Oh, God, man. How hot is that girl going to be? Oh, my God. She's already smart. Imagine what she's going to be like in a couple of years. She's already got something going on with that hair and just that snuggie that she wears. Oh, my God. She's going to be so fucking hot. Oh, call me when she turns 18. Ring, ring, ring. Oh, maybe call me a couple of years before that just so I can prepare. Ring, ring, ring. Sorry, Ben, I've got to pick up. Ring, ring, ring. Sorry, Ben. No.

I have to pick up the phone. Is that okay? Of course. I just need your verbal consent for me to pick up the phone. Of course. All right. Here we go. Hello. Hey, it's me, Maggie. Is this Scott? Scott, is this happening right now? Scott, I have to ask you something. I was listening to your live podcast. Yeah. You heard that? And I wanted to know. Yeah? If you want to come home with me tonight. I want to come home. Wait a minute. Tell me what you would do to me. To the Simpsons home? Yeah. Come to my Simpsons. Come to Evergreen Towners.

What would you do? Would you come to the garage like my dad or would you come to the front door? I hope that garage would open. It probably would. I'd come right through there. Yeah, what would you do? Yeah. Come right through that door. I'd land on the couch. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, would there be a gag? Would you do a gag? Yeah, I'd gag you. You would gag me on the couch? Yeah, I'd couch gag you. Couch gag me? Would you couch gag me? Yeah, I'd couch gag you, Maggie. Yeah, would you go upstairs and tell Lisa to keep the sapsa falling down? Oh, Maggie, I want to couch gag Maggie. Yeah, you want to couch gag me? Oh, yeah. Okay, all right. Yeah.

Don't have a cow, by the way. I'm the last person you have to do. Everything's coming up in the house. Number six. Oh, number six. Yep. The solo bolo. Now, is this the only solo bolo in Comedy Bang Bang history? That is the only solo bolo in Comedy Bang Bang history. I believe we may have a bro-down, ho-down coming up with another guest. But Ben made me promise that there would only be solo bolos with him. Hmm.

And he, by the way, is angling for another one. So there was never an occasion where you recorded a show with just one other person ever again? Well, there, okay, there was, yes. Oh, really? There was an instance in New York City. Okay, so it took place there. And with whom did you record? I believe that was you. Yeah, I believe it was.

And yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. And several guests dropped out. Yep. And you did a tour de force of three different characters, I believe. A TDF. And myself. And yourself. That's right. And it was a great show. Oh, thank you. And a treat for the live audience. Now, why haven't we heard that? Because when we reached out to the person who recorded it, they sent a file and it had about 12 minutes of it and then it stopped. I see. Yeah.

And normally in that situation, an engineer would take a look at that and start it up. And we'd say, hey, you know what? We missed 20 seconds or so, but in the middle of it. And we would explain that. This person apparently did not look down at the computer ever again after pressing record. Do you think they left the building? I think they may have. I don't know. Went out to get a slice. A famous New York slice. Oh, New York bean stage. The water makes it different. Now.

Now, the way I found out that that happened was on Twitter. I'm so sorry. Was you responding to someone else? I did not know. And there was a reason why we didn't release those for so long is because that person who recorded those shows then took off for about a month and was out of the country. What?

Doing charity work, I presume. Oh, I hope so. To atone for his sins. Digging wells. But all I got was a – and the release date of these episodes kept approaching and we kept having to postpone it and postpone it because this person was like, I'm out of the country. Whenever I get back, I'll let you know if the rest of that episode was recorded. And then the day we had to release it was the day that he –

returned home and i found out uh on twitter myself or i or i found out somewhere i found out via the email perhaps that that one was not going to be found and that everything was released so 404 404 system error file not found um which is uh you know that's only happened a couple of times in a comedy bang bang history another one was another live show that you did with gail simone

Oh, yeah, that's right. Remember that one? Yes, I do remember that. At the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. That one was also similarly not recorded. And I feel like there was one other time where the first seven minutes weren't recorded or something. But for the most part, the engineers that we work with are consummate professionals who know what they're doing. And if there ever is a problem, we'll stop. You mean on the road, not here. Yeah, we'll solve it. Oh, no. In here.

On the road, it's a little dicey. Yeah, right? When you get out there in the wild world that Cat Stevens sang about. It's a wild world. Yeah, that's the one. It's hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world. And I always remember you as a child girl. What? I was going to say with a smile. No, he will always remember her as a child. Ooh, weirdo. Yeah. Weirdo alert. Yeah. Weirdo alert. That doesn't go off enough on this show.

Wait, is that track 14? I was just going to say that should go in the sound effects. Oh, klaxon. Do you think we can accept vocal sound effects? I think so. Why not? Okay. All right. So that's track 14, the klaxon. Well, then let's see if we can perfect track 11 right now. All right. That's it. I've been waiting for it.

I did want to say, Paul, that Ben Schwartz has been clamoring for another solo bolo and sent me two messages yesterday. Let me play them. Let's see. Here we go. Is this playing, Sam? No, you got to turn it up. There we go. Again, about the consummate professionalism. Turn it up like Freedom Rock. Yes, I remember those. Here we go. Give me a solo to bolo too. Want to get lost in the solo bolo and solo bolo.

And then he sent me this one as well. Was that the entirety of the message, by the way? Okay. Here we go. Here's message number two. Now that's a video game reference. I believe that is some sort of... What is it? Super Mario. Super Mario. Because Mario wasn't good enough.

That's when he became Super Mario. All right, we have to go to a break. Hold on. Yeah. I want a solo bolo then. Why don't you and I do a solo bolo? I mean, these are erstwhile solo bolos. This is different though. We have a job to do here. That's true. Yeah. We're not just sitting here fucking around. We can't do a solo bolo. We can do a...

Not a bro-down, ho-down either, because I think that's our other guest. We'll have to come up with another term for it. Okay. But that is one of the greatest regrets of my life, that that New York show was lost. Do you know what? I think we came up with a term for it there. Oh, what was it? Because we don't have the tape. It's a polo-bolo or something, right? That's right. Okay.

If you were there at that legendary New York show, and I believe only a good 800 people were there or something, please let us know what it was called. Did you just delete that 12 minutes? I don't know. I'm sure we have it. Well, probably the first 12 minutes is just you. I think it's probably just me doing some of my classic jokes, classic warm-up. Let's go to a break. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will have...

Episode number five on your countdown. Fuck! Reading, it's fundamental. We all know that. But look, reading, it's super hard to do, right? Because we're busy. When are you going to read? When you're in the car? I doubt it. I hope not. But you know what? Audible is here to help. Do you want to read at the speed of someone speaking out loud?

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Audible.com slash bang bang. You know how to get there. You will get a free audio book and a free 30 day trial. Here's a recommendation. What about I must say my life as a humble comedy legend written and narrated by Martin Short. I read this books. I read this books. I say books because I got three of them. I liked it so much.

You can do this for $0 right now. I paid $28.95 or something. That is a free audiobook and a 30-day free trial by visiting audible.com slash bangbang. Audible.com slash bangbang for a free audiobook and a 30-day free trial. And now that you've unpaused this episode again.

It continues. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. We're back. The sunglasses are off. Yeah. How is your eyeball? The gloves are off. It's a little better. You sure? As the show started, I mean, it's still bothering me a little bit, but as the show started, I had tears streaming down my face and I was like, I don't want anyone to see me like this. Yeah.

Now, you are famous for being cold, emotionless. Yes. You keep it all inside. I'm the data of Comedy Bang Bang. Or Master Spock. Mm-hmm.

Was that a requirement of Star Trek was that there'd be some sort of emotionless person that's constantly learning lessons about emotions? Yep. That's how we learn, don't you see? Was there one on Deep Space Nine and Voyager and what was the other Scott Bakula one? Deep Space Nine, I think, had the shapeshifter played by Rene Auberginois. Auberginois.

Be my guest. Be my guest. Put my reference to the test. I'm a favorite shapeshifter and I do not have the feelings. A perfect song parody. Perfect. One could not improve upon that.

If they tried. Nor should they try. No, don't try it. Buy it. What about Voyager? Did they have a cold, emotionless character? Voyager they had. And by the way, I think I've seen one episode of Voyager. That's more than I've seen of Deep Space Nine or – no, I've seen one of the Scott Bakula one, the pilot. I've never seen that one. I saw all of the original Star Trek. All of Kitteridge? All of More Generations Star Trek.

I saw a good part of the deepest of Space Nines. And then I saw zero of Scott Bakula Presents Star Trek. Yeah.

I did love how that show, every episode started with Scott Bakula out in the wild and turning to camera saying, hi, I'm Scott Bakula. We all love Star Trek. It was part of the cold open. Like they'd start their adventure and then he'd say, oh, hello. Are you here too? Hi, I'm Scott Bakula. Look, Star Trek is great. We all agree. We all agree. So let's watch another one. Excelsior!

Let's get on the Starship Excelsior and set a course for the stars. Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance. And Star Trek won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile. It's an open door.

It's Star Trek. Presented by this Scott Bakula. Yes, Star Trek. I ran out of ideas. Yeah, me too. We ran out at the same time. Oh, we're like an old married couple. Aren't we? All right. Aren't we? Let's get to our next clip on the countdown. This is number five. Number five. All right. Number five.

This is, and we're running out of real estate here on the Cat Town. We only have five episodes left here. I know. Well, counting this one?

Yes. Number five? Yes. Let's count number five in the five that remain. And we're still counting number five as five left because we haven't talked about it yet. Now we have to talk about it. Now we are talking about it. Yes. This is episode 304. This is about three episodes after I broke off that new hundo. I was kind of afraid you were going to say that again. I don't know why it fills me with such disgust, but it really does.

This is an episode called Marissa Wampler's Six Flags Birthday Womptacular. Oh, shit. And, um...

Now, if you don't know anything about Comedy Bang Bang and you're listening to this for the first time, Marissa Wampler is a character that Jessica St. Clair does. Jessica St. Clair. She is a great comedian. Let's just say comedian. Sure. And she has a TV show called Playing House on the USA Network. Just picked up for a second season. That's right. Congratulations to them, along with Lennon Parham, who also is on this episode, playing Miss Lissler.

Marissa Wampler has been around for the five and a half years now that the show has been on, I believe. And she wrote the very first song. She is music. That's right. And she writes the songs. And she's been one of the characters that has recurred the most often in the Bang Bangiverse. CB Booniverse. CB Booniverse.

We'll figure something out. That's so gross. I like it. CB Booniverse. CB Booniverse. She started out as, I believe, a 16-year-old girl, and she's aged in the five years about two years, maybe. Has she that much? She started out 15, maybe, and aged to 17. I don't know. She keeps having her 17th birthday over and over again. We need to talk about that. But she started out as my intern, and she...

She only shows up about once or twice a year for her intern duties. She is a very interesting character. We've developed her and been with her for now five years and heard a lot about her life. She has a stepdad, Seth. Her mother and her don't get along. And Miss Listler is her teacher at a special school who –

used to fight in the Iraq war was a sniper and a sharpshooter. That's right. And, uh, they have a very special relationship, almost a, uh, surrogate mother daughter relationship, uh,

I think it's unhealthy. It is a bit. I think it's a very unhealthy relationship. And Wampler celebrates her birthday in a live remote podcast for the past couple of years or has been doing that for the last couple of years. The first year we did it was last year where she was – it was at the pool at her condo. That's right. And this year she said she wanted to do it at Six Flags. And so we hosted a live remote at Six Flags.

And she invited a lot of her friends as well as Reardon. Tracy Reardon came to this. A lot of her enemies she invited as well. Yeah, she invited Tracy Reardon. They had been sparring or spatting or feuding perhaps over Twitter recently. And so she got an invite. But the background that you need to know basically is just that in the previous appearances that Wampler and Reardon had –

Her boyfriend, Gutterballs, Eric Gutterman, had cheated on Marissa Wampler with Daniella Bartiromo. Her arch enemy, Daniella. And then Wampler started spreading a rumor that Daniella was dead. And so she is presumed dead at this point. Yes.

So what you're about to hear is a little bit of the Six Flags birthday womptacular, and you're not going to hear, I believe, a new character was debuted. I don't think we're going to hear any bit of him, but a new character, Dabney.

Oh, my God. I forgot about Dabney. Dabney was a really interesting guy. We're not going to hear any of Dabney in this clip? Maybe we will. Maybe I'll put in some Dabney. Dabney, personal favorite of mine. Okay. Well, all right. We'll put in some Dabney. Yes. So this is Wampler.

Reardon, Lissler, Gutterballs, Seth, and then some surprising people show up. This is Marissa Wampler's Six Flags Birthday Womptacular number five on the countdown. Number five. My name is Scott Aukerman, and it's great to do these live broadcasts once a year on your birthday. Last year, we did it from your condo. Yeah. That one took a real turn. That took a nasty turn at the end. It took a nasty turn, but you know what? Not this year. Nope. This

year, everything is great. We have secured the DJ booth here. We're perched above the log flume, but nothing can go wrong, I'm certain. No. Because Seth, your stepfather and I spent this morning, a long period this morning, just taking a ratchet and a wrench to these secured fasteners. Am I cleared to step in here at this point? Hey, Seth. You mentioned my name, so is this as far as the show goes? Can I... Yeah, but let's not...

You don't have a free-for-all to hop on the mic. I haven't realized, sweetheart, this is your special day. Say your hello and then get behind the fried dough machine. All right, but your boss who doesn't pay you, for one thing. Well, it's an internship. Yeah, but she's been doing it for years. Yeah, but look what it's done for my wife. She's been doing it one day a year for years. Well, still, the years, they're... They add up. They are accumulating, yes, but the days are not. Two weeks, right? Sam?

If I could just say real fast, despite the fact that I was able to cobble together over 12 Groupons for this, this Six Flags birthday jam is pretty expensive. Okay, but let's get real, Seth, that the price really dropped because last week, several deaths here. Someone got their scalp ripped off on the Scrambler.

That is a bad name for a ride as well. Yeah, a scrambler. Especially something that rips off the scalp of someone and it shows exposed brains that would then be scrambled. They should have called it the scalper.

Let's have that be the last. First of all, Lissler is 118th Native American, so I'm surprised she didn't jump in there and get real pissed. No, it's fine. I know how to take a scalp off with one single blade. All right. You don't need a whole ride to do it? You don't need a secondary blade? I was impressed by the ride, to be honest, because to be able to pull it off vertically is really impressive. You've got to take a lot of...

a lot of inertia. When the scalp comes off, does the hair come off as well? No, it rips off the whole epidermal layer of the skull is ripped off and so you're just exposed to brain and skull. You don't need to get into this. Well, that's what I had to, I bargained down a little bit because I said most of your friends are pretty long trellised bodies.

people coming in here, and I didn't want any kind of mishaps, so they gave us a little sweet discount. Yeah, they gave us a little bit of a discount. Well, thank you to our host, Seth. You, of course, paid for everyone to be here, including myself. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I did not know that, but okay. You paid for the booth. Didn't know about that. You paid for all of my trips to Home Depot to get all of the materials in order to fix this. He paid for the old-timey photo you and I took, Chalk Talk. That's right, yeah. Where I was...

Playing a whore. And you had sort of a hoop skirt that made your butt look even bigger. Well, sweetheart, I'd like to get one with you where we're just a father and daughter. All right. Gross. All right. And I had a bunch of sacks of gold, too. Remember that? I was just like, where did I find this? Yeah. And they had a little dollar signs on it. And then one had a cent sign. Yeah. And it was filled with pennies. Yeah. In any case. Oh, hey, here comes another flume. Listler. What?

Got it. I'm surprised they can hear her. It's such a small sound, but somehow... No, they don't need to hear me. It's when the, you know, it's when my clip makes a huge noise. Oh, I didn't see that you were wearing that skirt that you are. Yes. Oh, it is hanging down just slightly. It's a skort, but it has a hole cut inside of it. The air and the mist...

sweeps up like I'm on the Scottish moor. Yeah. And gives everyone a good visual. Essentially what you're doing is queefing in their face as they hit the... It's a reverse queef. It's a reverse queef. Figure that one out. You know, after you have a child, even many moons later, everything is a little looser.

Air moves freely as it chooses. It's much like a prolapsed anus. Is it? It is. I've experienced that a few times. A few times? Yeah. The first time you push too hard and you loosen up that whole system, it's hard to get it back on track. Wait, it's a prolapsed anus when your anus comes out of your butt? It's where your whole... That's happened to you in our bathroom?

Why do you think I wear such roomy drawers when I'm walking around the house? I need a little room in case that thing's flopping around. I don't understand, honestly, how you ever got anyone to have sex with you. Uh, well... Oh!

That's a good song. It's a circle of life, isn't it? It is. Prolapsed anuses. Prolapsed anuses. Recurring. Engorged clitorises that look like penises. One day you'll know that sweet, sweet feeling. You see, honey, you're 17 now, and so these mysteries of life will become more apparent. I'd rather they just stay in the dark. We got gutters. Oh, yeah. Hey, Eric Gutterman is here. Hey, guys. Working the sound. Yeah, how are those levels looking? Pretty good. I think everybody sounds pretty good. I had to lower them at the beginning because...

You were maxing him out there. I'm always maxing it out. You're just maxing it out. I'm maxing you out. You're just getting it in the red. You're getting it in the red. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you guys... I didn't get it in your red. Are you guys back together? What? We're back together. I'll let Marissa describe it. Okay, we are... Why? Why?

Why won't you? Oh, I want her. You know, I just, I happily will, but it's her birthday and she likes to tell the stories. I'm more of like the spice in the dish, you know? She's the meat and potatoes of it. Yeah, you're my little cumin. Anyway, what happened was, this is really a sweet story. Danielle Bartiromo died. R.I.P.,

R.I.P., right? She was the love of my life. She was. And she died. I mean, there's a lot of rumors. A lot of people say her tits exploded in her face and, you know. Well, that's mostly you. They just got too full? Yeah, too full. It's like a water balloon when you fill it up too much.

You know what? I know you would like to continue to talk about this dead girl's tits, but I'm not going to do that on my birthday, okay? Scott. That's not what I'm into. Scott, I can. I'm into live girls. Okay, fine. I can tell you, Scott, that her first hand experience. Hey. Can I touch that hand by giving you a high five? No. There we go. No more.

fives about Danielle's dead tits, okay? Now by the transitive properties of mathematics, Scott, you have now felt up Danielle. Yeah. Anyway. We're Eskimo brothers here. Guys, she's dead as a doornail. So, gutters was real broken up about it. It really, I filled like a whole journal in like two days. Yeah. Yeah.

And I actually, you know. With poems. I reached out to you. I'd love to hear one. One of my poems. Oh, I didn't bring the journal. Otherwise, I would happily read one of my poems. But certainly, you remember the content of at least one of them. Oh, you want me to read an entire poem from memory? Oh, recite from memory, yeah. It's not a limerick. It's not that easy. Look. Well, most of them were about her boobs. I would say limericks are the most difficult of poems. Yeah. The rhyming scheme. Oh, yeah. It's very difficult. Lissler's a published poet. You know that, right? Really? Lissler? Where were you published? I was published in Palestine. Oh.

In Farsi? Is that what? Yes. Interesting. In Farsi. In Farsi. It was translated or you wrote it originally? You wrote it in Farsi and yet in Palestine is where it was published. It's a strange story, but hey. In any case, let's hear that poem. Listen, today is about Danielle. Today is about the future, okay? And what happened was... Two beautiful globes. Okay, that's enough. That's enough. Two beautiful nights.

Two.

I thought you only had sex with her once. I only had sex with her once, but we did mouth stuff on another night. When? Another night. In the pump room in my community pool. That doesn't matter. No, it does matter. I thought we had no secrets. I thought it was all about... If you'd read this poem already, you would know. I don't want to read the poems anymore. I asked you to read all of the poems. Listen, I published them in our literary journal, okay? I don't understand. Happy friggin' birthday. Whoa! Holy shit. Look who's here. Happy birthday. Reardon's here. This is blowing shit.

- In my mind. - I bought you a present.

Oh, here's some new music for our guest here. Be our guest. Thank you. I will. Hey, Tracy Reardon. Reardon. Hold on, I want to hear it. I can't. Are we going to listen to this whole song? It's up to you. I never heard it. What's it from? There's this movie, Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, I know. Can't watch movies. Why can't you watch movies? She has her butt pierced and she can only sit for a half hour at a time.

Get used to it. We're going to be friends when not seeing a movie. Fine. Riordan, this is really special. Tell me about the thought process that brought you to this party. Well, here's what I was thinking. I was like, what am I doing?

I took it as a beg.

And so here I am. Sweeten it up, Reardon, or I'm going to kick you out. Sorry, sorry. I bought you a present. Okay, what is it? Open it. I'll tell you. Okay. But I wrapped it, so I wouldn't tell you before you open it. Okay. You like it? Unwrap, unwrap, unwrap. It's like germs. You glue them to your shirts and stuff. Germs? Oh, germs. Germs. Germs? I don't want germs. The minute I think I finally understand your speech impediment. You glue them to your shirt and stuff. Germs.

This is gems. Gems. Gems. These are a vintage pair of gems? Like jewels. No, like jellies and gems? No, no, no. Like jewels. Oh, like gems you can eat? I'm trying to eat these, but they're very hard. Don't eat it. You're going to hurt yourself. Oh, okay. So I... You like gloomed your shirt and stuff. Oh, my God. Oh, I see now. It's precious stones. Precious gems. Yeah, precious gems. Oh, my God. Reardon, this is very...

of you. You're welcome. Did you get these from where you work? Where is it again? Claire's. Yeah, I got it at Claire's. That's so sweet. I got a discount because I work there, but it's still costly. And again, you don't need to say something nice and then undercut it with something nasty. It's still costly a lot. What kind of discount do you get there at Claire's? Like 50%. 50%? Yeah. Why, are you looking to buy an engagement ring?

Oh my god, who the fleek? He's married. Yeah, I'm married. Come on, guys. Stop fighting over me. This is getting embarrassing. Whatever. Oh my goodness. Listen, enjoy, okay? Scott, how come you're not wearing your wedding ring? Yeah, what's going on? Well, I mean, that's a story for another time, I think. Tell us now. I'd love to hear it now. Well, I took it off one day when it was itching me.

And it just, there's something about having it on my finger just made me always like kind of play with it. And it was kind of like itching, like, oh, get this off my finger. And then, I don't know, I just took it off and I don't know, it feels really good. I mean, it just, you ever feel the wind on your finger? Was it like after you met me?

that like your fingers started itching? I mean... Give me a break, Reardon. I'm just asking. Reardon, if he loves anyone, it's me, okay? Guys, guys. If he loves anybody underage, it's me. Sweetheart, sweetheart. Hey, sweetheart, what did we talk about? We said...

A positive thought is a positive day, right? Give me some fried dough, you dick face! Okay, it's your day, but take it easy. I'm sorry, penis face, get me some more fried dough! Will, do you want some for your frenemy?

Reardon, do you want some dough or not? I really do. Get her some fried dough. Thanks, Dad. Marissa, you're in the red. Don't push. You're in the red if you could calm down just a little bit. I can't calm down. I love the mics. Lislor and I would love some fried dough as well. I know that's on you. Okay, well, we did have it. The whole bill is on you. I understand. We had an agreement. The kids come first, and if there's any dough left over for the adults, then we can have some. So let's be an adult about this.

Scott, and now get all piggy. That's okay, but just get Lissler and I some fried dough, and then we'll... Oh. Scott. You have a good point. I'll get you some dough. Scott, do you have money? Do I have money? Yeah. In what? Do you mean generally, or do you... Like, why are you asking another man to buy you stuff? Well, look, I mean, this whole party is on Seth. I mean, we've talked about this, Marissa, exactly what happened with Seth. Yeah, I mean, Seth, I caught Seth. Hold on, hold on. My stepdad jerking off...

Sweetheart? What is this, some sort of Tom Cruise clause? I can never talk about it? Well, you're recording it, sweetheart. What am I supposed to goddamn do about you? You're putting this out on the airwaves. This is live, isn't it? It's already out there. Is this live? It's already out there.

It's not mine. We kind of already talked about this on another show. Jesus Christ. Everybody knows you jerked off to a picture of yourself in a bathing suit. Everyone's done it, okay? It was a J. Crew bathing suit. A nine inch. It was a higher cut. I'd never seen my body in that fashion. A certain angle of light. Next thing I know, I'm discovering things about myself. Am I a human being? Yes. Do I have feelings I need to express through my dick? Yes. That's what happened. Penis. Well, he's horny for himself. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I'd love to take this question to America, but I think that's... Let's take some calls. You want to take some calls? I'd love for people to call in. You guys know the number. Gutterballs, yeah. Gutter? Do we have that kind of capability? I'm all set up right here. So you guys just call into the number. All right, here. We're getting a call right now. Gutterballs. I'll plug it through. All right, here we go. Hi, you're on the air. Hi. Who's this? Who are we speaking with? This is Liz.

Oh, hey, Liz. Do you have a question for Seth? Yeah, I do. Like, why didn't you just jerk off while you were wearing the suit and look in the mirror? Um...

Sweetheart, that would be physically impossible because what was attractive to me was that my bathing suit was encasing the penis. Okay? So it was like I was seeing, it's like I had a twin brother. Not that I would jerk off to my twin brother. But if I saw my twin brother, I would say, oh, that's what I look like in a bathing suit. If you had a twin who would stand still and pretend he was a picture, would you jerk off to him?

Liz, where is this going? I'm just wondering. Liz, Liz, what's the end game here? Liz, where are you calling from? Valencia. That's where we are right now. Where are you? In the log ride. What? Oh, my goodness. I got it. Raise your hand. Raise your hand, Liz. Oh, my. Okay, that's enough. Set. All right, let's hang up on her. Okay, goodbye. I got a pic of her, so if you want to use it later. Yeah, send me that pic. She sounded cute.

Listen, as long as Danielle is still dead, then everything's going to be fine. Why would you even have to ask that? Why would you even have to say that? Excuse me, are those your tiny boobs or do they have dipping dots here? Holy shit. Danielle. Why the hell were you telling everyone I was dead? There's a ghost in here. I'm not a freaking ghost. What was with that Facebook page memorial?

Danielle, what are you doing here? Let's make sure she's not a ghost. Let's touch her. Okay, everyone touch her. Everyone get away from my tent! I'm touching her tent! This is a ghost, okay guys? I'm not a ghost! Guys, we've all seen A Christmas Story. Is that the one where Scrooge McDuck is in it? No, that's A Christmas Carol. We've been telling you for days, Mom Chloe, she's not dead! No, she's dead, alright! You're a ghost, get out!

Get out of here. Marissa, she's right there. No. In all of her glory. Marissa. What do you want? You want to show me Christmas's party? She's not a ghost, Marissa. The only way to find out is to touch her again. Guys, stop touching her. All right. That front part's real.

That part's real? I feel the same, don't I? You just keep saying that part's real over and over again. A ghost could wear some prosthetics and trick us. The only way to find out. Danielle, how did you wake up from the dead? Did you find true love's kiss? I haven't been dead. I've been very much alive. I've just been really busy. What are you? Too busy to go to school, young lady? I'm doing an independent study online so I can concentrate on my Etsy business.

What is your Etsy business? Danielle's Tits Tats.

Tits tits? Tattoos for tits? Tattoos for tits. Are they temporary? They're temporary. Danielle's temporary tits for tats. DTTT? Yes. Do you have any? If you incorporated toe tattoos, you could be tit tat toe. Hey! That's kind of a good idea, but they're mainly for tits. Do you have any tits that look like tits? Maybe I'll do a side business. Yeah, why not? Why are you talking to her? Guys, guys, guys. It's doing very well, and...

Hold on. The last time we heard about Danielle here, we heard she died because you, Wampler, found her hair extensions in the shower at school. Yes, and there had been, looked like there had been a struggle. In what way did it look like there had been a struggle? There was an overturned garbage can full of a bunch of used maxi pads and then a couple of her hair extensions. And I had assumed that she'd been killed and dismembered in that shower. Total overreaction. The blood was probably from the maxi pads. Oh!

You're right. Kimmy and Katie and I, we were just rehearsing our dance squad routine in the shower as we do. Wait a minute. Talk slower. Tell that story again. You know what? Nobody wants to know about it. All right, Danielle. So you're alive. Get going. Okay? Wait, wait, wait. Marissa. Wait a second. Danielle, you're still wearing the promise ring I gave you. Of course. Even though I'm concentrating on my business, it doesn't mean that we're not still promised to each other. Isn't a promise ring when you're not supposed to have sex until you get married?

We only did it once in some oral. Two nights from what I've heard. Okay, I am not going to have my birthday ruined by you again, okay? So Kareem, we'll take you back in the shuttle and bring you back to wherever the hell you came from, okay, ghost lady? Six Flags is a free country. I can stay here if I want. Seth! Six Flags actually is an independent nation. Seth, I thought you rented this whole thing out!

out. I did, but I can't. If we didn't invite her, she just happens to be here at the kingdom of Six Flags. I can't kick her out. I won't give her any dough. You're not getting any dough. Who's in charge of Six Flags? Is there a king or a queen?

a queen that I can speak to? Hang on, hang on. I think I can help this for a second. You're freaking out. I've got the mics. The levels are all set. I'll take Danielle and we'll go and I'll take her away right now. Maybe you guys should figure this out. She and I should just talk and I'll get her out of your sight. No, no, no. You're staying. I'll be right back. Tell you what, tell you what, guys. We do need to take a break. When we come back, we'll sort out this whole Danielle situation. I mean, this is a fascinating story. I don't know why you would allow yourself to...

Well, I mean, we'll figure out the whole thing when we get back.

Is this from Pocahontas? Yeah, sorry, I was- Lister, why would you make this more romantic? I asked Lister to play this for Marissa. Marissa, I mean, I'm sorry, Danielle. What the fuck? Wait a second. Did you just call me Marissa? How dare you? I'm sorry. No, I thought you were going to propose marriage to me. I was not. Here atop this log flume in the kingdom of six flags, and instead you just got my name wrong? I am so sorry, Marissa. What I meant to say was Danielle. Danielle.

Technically, he got your name right. Today in this kingdom, I have found you again. And you are Pocahontas. And I am the gambler. Do you have the gambler, by the way, Lizzler? And I, when I saw that you were still wearing that ring, it was like the last however many months just didn't exist. I have no idea why I'm being forced to watch this. It's cause of bad luck. Shut the fuck up, Katie Wong.

It's Kenny. Okay, everybody, this is Dabney. I brought Dabney up. He's a character artist. Not now, Seth! No? Bad time, Dabney? I'm sorry. Can you come back in 20? Hey, guys, what are your hobbies? Dabney! Anyone play soccer? God damn it. Dabney's very good. Who is this moron? Hey, I'm the caricature artist. He's very good. Yeah, you guys, you, the round one, what's your hobby? Hey!

It's her birthday, so. It's her birthday. Okay, what do you need to know about me? My aerials are the size of dinner plates. They're covered in hair. I'm shaped like an upside-down muffin slash pyramid. What else? What else? Her pubic hair goes from the front and wraps around the back and comes back again like a pair of shorts. All right, I think I got something here. What do you think? Yeah, it looks like I'm wearing a pair of fur shorts. What? What do you think? I got something here. Oh.

That looks like a Tamagotchi or something. What do you mean? That's very exact. That's pretty accurate. This is terrible. Do one of Danielle now. Oh, yeah. What are your hobbies? You know what? I'll just do one of you. I think I know exactly what to exaggerate.

And here we go. That's amazing. That looks just like me. You know what? Do you mind if I photocopy this and keep one for myself? This looks like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit catalog model. Oh, that's a good idea. Let me put Sports Illustrated up here. Shut up, Dad. Whoa, that's a lucky character. Where are you from, Dad? Where do you hail from? I've lived in every one of the 50 states. You sound like Homer Simpson's weird brother. That accent is very difficult to believe. Well, you pick up.

a different dialect in every one of the states one lives in. Oh, okay. Also, Dabney, do you know

Do you have a skin disorder? Oh, of course. Because you look like, you know... That's how I got into caricaturing. You look like a reptile. Yes, a reptile, of course, yes. Well, guys, this has been fun. You married? Am I married? Yeah, what's... This is a sad, sad story. Tell every bit of it. Oh, my goodness. Well, one day, I was there with my wife of 25 years. Yeah.

I can hear you guys. I was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I thought I heard something. I heard an intruder. You know what? And I took my caricature pin and I rushed out of the bathroom and I stabbed to death my own wife in sort of an Oscar. Why does it sound like

Somebody's eating peanut butter somewhere. That's the sound of sucking. Did you stab her by accident? What? I stabbed my own wife by accident with my caring tears. Dabney, nobody cares, okay? Well, I do. He's a human being. Seth, give Dabney some fried dough and escort him out of the park. Really? Do I have to leave? All right, Dabney, can I pay in fried dough? Is that all right? I would expect nothing other. All right. Not a good business, ma'am. A deal is struck. I didn't even get one. That's like my whole life.

f***ing idea. Oh, Dabney, can you come back up here? No! The girl with the robot face needs a drawing. I met your bick and keel, my friend. What? What? I met your bick and keel. Is that Canadian? Do you have any hobbies? You look like you like ice cream. I work at an ice cream store. Here you go. What? Oh.

It's like he's a psychic. It's me as an ice cream cone. The fist is pinned in the waist. How old are you, Dabney? I'm 97 years young. Really? Pretty good. When I wind up dead, I want you to go to Dabney's house because there's something fucking wrong with this guy. You only phoned it in on mine. Well, you're holding a phone. I assume that's what you're talking about. Screw you. And an ice cream cone with seven...

Seven scoops. Oh, you know what? Go to hell. Dabney, real fast before you go. Yes, sir? Could you draw me, but here... Let me pull it up on my phone. Don't show her your inners! No, it's not. No, sweetheart, no. In this bathing suit? You see this bathing suit from the J.Crew catalog? From the J.Crew catalog, I know it well. Here you go. All done. Wait, one more second. He drew you and took it off to yourself. I'm sorry. Scott, did you want to talk to Dabney at all? Oh, I would love to talk to you. Hey, Dabney, do you mind if I get to... Where, what do you...

hobbies, young man. Oh, thank you, young man. Well, I guess everyone's young compared to you, 97 years old. I guess my hobbies are just living life and having a ball and getting out there and attracting seven... Shh, shh, shh.

Who was that? I'm honk-shoeing you. Oh my goodness. You're so boring. You know what? You're a little bit boring, so I'm afraid I have to go. All right. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, Dabney. See you later. Wait, Dabney just jumped into the log film and took off. What a real treat. That's the best part of my life. Is he living there? What a rare and unusual character that was. Number five. Yes. Yeah. That was, yeah, we ended that with some dabs.

Do you know what? Let me – I meant to text you and tell you how much I enjoyed Dabney. So you're doing it now? Yeah, that's – I apologize for not doing it before. Well, you know, it's something you started doing –

I remember you talking to Colin Hanks and saying – A few weeks back. Yeah. He appreciated that you texted him and said how much you enjoyed Fargo. Fargo. Go Fargo yourself. Yeah. And you said – Fargo, fuck yourself. I feel – Fargo, fuck yourself. Yeah, I heard you. I'm wearing headphones.

And you said, I feel it's important, you know, if you, because so often we don't tell each other that we enjoy each other's work. And we just assume that everyone is either watching or listening or not watching or not listening. And so that was a nice thing that you did. I don't believe I've received any.

Texts like that? You're just searching through your texts? Yeah, I don't know that I've ever... Well, Paul... I mean, I have from other people, yes, certainly. Paul, you have to admit that the Fusion app on the Apple TV was just released. It's true. No, you shut up has not been into my eyeballs. Now, you have to admit that we posted episodes online.

Where you didn't have to have Fusion or the Fusion app on Apple TV. I don't watch anything online. I like to leave a cold trail for the terrorists. I apologize. I don't like any record. I apologize. I also forgot that's the only thing I've ever done. Oh, come on. Why are you being a stinker? This is playing out exactly as I hoped it would. All right, I'll start sending you texts about everything. I still have to watch BoJack Horseman, too. My wife is in that, and I haven't even watched that. I just like texts.

All right. I just like getting texts. You and I have texted a bit. We have texted a bit. Do you remember- You're like a regular texter. I was going through- Oh, I got a text here. I enjoyed Dabney. Thank you. I was going through my iPhoto library and I found-

We, for a period of like, I don't know if it was a couple days or over the course of a week, we were sending pictures to each other. They were pictures of us. We were sending selfies of us with our eyes closed. Well, do you know why? Because you sent me the one picture by accident, right? Yes. I used to send videos as texts. Yes. Because it was just more personal of just me staring at the camera and saying, hey, Paul, I wanted to tell you that I'll be there at 1115 or what have you. Or I enjoy your work. Yeah. Yeah.

So then I thought I had taken a video, but it was on just camera. So I had just taken a still photo with my eyes closed. And then I sent it to you thinking it was a video, not knowing that you did not receive the content of the text. Right. And then you sent me back an identical picture of you with your eyes closed in a different location. Right.

So then for a couple of weeks, we just sent pictures of each other with our eyes closed in different places, and it became almost like a game to try to find the best background. Yes. I think I was at a miniature golf place at one point, and I was in front of a windmill. Yes. That must have been quite a while ago. It was a couple years ago, I think. But I still have all those pictures. Right. I'll post them on Tumblr. Okay. So everybody can see them. Yeah. Post that. It's a fun photo set. It's a fun. Hey, it's a FP. Yeah.

What are we talking about? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, that's true. Have we got- Hello, Drew! Oh, that's right. Let me just say about that previous episode, we did- Starring Demi Moore. We did figure out what happened with Danielle, Danielle and Gutterballs, and- It's Danielle. Danielle. Danielle. Danielle. Danielle. There you go. And there was a surprising guest, Don DeMello, along with a little- That's true.

Along with a little three-year-old girl. Oh, that's right. Yeah. So go back and listen to that episode. Yeah, do that. Go back and listen to that. Do that. And Dabney, boy, a hot new character. I hope he comes back. Number one with a bullet. I really hope he comes back. I thought his background, he's lived in every single one of the 50 states, and so that's why his accent is so inconsistent. Ah!

It's very interesting. He's an interesting guy. Interesting guy. Yeah. And a very quick drawer. That's right. All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, we will have your episode number four.

Comedy Blah. Comedy Blah. Comedy Blah.

Ho, ho. Comedy bleh. We're back. Ho, ho. Ho, ho. Bleh. We're back here. Paula Tompkins, of course. Hi. And Scott Aukerman. And Scott Aukerman. We are about to go into the next number on our countdown. This is exciting, is it not? I mean, we're in the thick of it here. I'm excited. Top four. I'm excited. I think I just said. You are exciting. I'm excited. All right, let's get to it. This is number four. Number four.

All right, number four on the countdown. We don't have too many left. It could be. We got four left. Four left. So out of all of the episodes, this one was number four. It must be pretty good. I think so. I mean, four left. Four, four. That's interesting. Four. Four. He's a jolly good fellow. Four. He's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.

Oh, my God.

This bottle is too full. It's too full to play the jug. Oh, you're trying to jug band it. I was trying to jug band it. You are the jug band it. Guys, that's why they call me the jug band it. Call F the jug band it. I steal jugs and I form a jug band in every town. Every town. Every town. Which, by the way, there's a lot of towns in the U.S. Yeah.

But you're doing it in every single one. I've gone through two dozen towns now. 24. Yeah. You know you have a lot more to get to. I know, man. But this is the life of the Jug Bandit. It's not the life you may have chosen, but it's the life you're leading. I'm not the Jug Bandit the towns need. I'm the Jug Bandit the towns deserve. I would like to see J.W. Stillwater battle the Jug Bandit.

You know, similarly with how you came up with J.W. Stillwater on the last Best Of. You know what? Hey. Make a note of it. Okay. This is number four on our countdown. This is episode 286. Any guesses? Yeah. I have a great guess. Okay. This is the one – it was all in –

Underwater? Nope. That would have been impossible to do. That's my only guess. Because we are humans and we cannot breathe underwater.

None of us. Well, Aquaman. And the Submariner. And the man from Atlantis. That's true. Patrick Duffy. That's right. Noted Buddhist. That's true. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I didn't know that had lyrics. Now we know. Now we know. Renge-kyo. This is episode 286. This is an episode called Time Bobby 3. Oh, motherfucker. Now...

Scott, correct me if I'm wrong, but the original Time Bobby, wasn't it picked by Slate Magazine, no less, as one of the 25 greatest podcast episodes of all time? Of all time, which when you think about how long podcasts have been around, about eight years. Yeah.

I mean, that's incredible. An episode of cereal was on there. Yeah. That's like, come on. All time? Or do we just like it now? No episodes of the Pod F Tom cast? I know. Come on. Did you ever listen to that?

You know what? I was on one. You were on one. We had a good time. We did. Yeah, that's right. Slate did – it was pretty low on their countdown, I think, but lower than I would have put it. But it's very nice of them to put us on there. And yeah, that was the only episode of Comedy Bang Bang that was recognized, and it was the original time, Bobby. One of my favorite episodes of all time. Mine as well. Now, the first time, Bobby –

Two years ago was voted number one on the podcast. That's right, it was. Number one on the countdown. And the sequel, Time Bobby 2, was voted number one last year. Number one on the podcast last year. And then this year, number four. Now, I have to say, I believe the quality of it was better than Time Bobby 2. Yeah.

Really? I do. I like Time Bobby 3 better than Time Bobby 2. Time Bobby 3 had a lot going on, and I'm hard-pressed to remember a lot of the details. Well, I listened to it recently. But there was some looping going on? Some Reggie Watts-style looping? No, more like Hit Record Joe-style looping.

Because I believe Forval comes back. Yes. We think he's an old man at first. Basically, what happens is... I don't want to spoil it because we're about to hear it. I do. I want to spoil it. In Time Bobby 1 and Time Bobby... Well, I believe in Time Bobby 2, we established...

Who is Forval? We should just first say that. Forval is a tiny, stabby orphan. Tiny little orphan who wandered into the studio one day. Yeah. I was talking with Andrew Lloyd Webber and he wandered into the studio. And then that happened once again in Time Bobby 2. In Time Bobby 2, we found out that he has a brother, Fryvault.

Who guards his French fries in a fry vault. French fry vault. In the titular fry vault. No, I thought you had the fry vault. I did. His name is just fry vault. Yes, that's true. But I was guarding my own fries in the fry vault. Yes, that's right. But I believe that we killed fry vault maybe at the end of Time Bobby 2. I don't recall. Yeah. Somebody died. Somebody died. It's very convoluted. Look, we're just fucking around here. We can't remember these things.

But we're about to hear a clip from Time Bobby 3 where at the start of it, we're going to hear a cross-selection of things that happen in it. But I had been talking to Andrew Lloyd Webber for about 10 minutes at this point. And then suddenly we got a very strange knock upon the door. A rap tap tapping? At my chamber door. Tis a visitor and nothing more.

And we will hear that visitor now in your number four. Number four. But welcome back to the show. And you know, it's been so many years we've been doing this show. It's been many, many years. We've just celebrated our fifth anniversary doing the show. Oh, congratulations. I think so. How did you celebrate, by the way? Well, we had a...

Stop knocking on the table, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm not knocking on the table. Why would I do that? It's distracting for you to knock on a table. I'm certainly not knocking on a table. Well then, Engineer Cody, would you... Hello? Do you hear that? Are you alright, Cody? Hello? Is it this fellow? No. Wait, Cody, how are you... I'm saying hello. How are you saying hello without your lips moving? Hello? I feel as if there is a presence in this room. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to look to my left.

And then I'm going to look to my right. That's a splendid idea. I shall do the same. I'm also, you know what? To hell with it. I'm going to throw in looking up as well. All right. I say. Yes. I look down so all bases are covered. I'm going to look behind me, behind myself. I'm going to go left and right. I forgot about that one. So I'm going to do all of those. Shall I do them concurrently or would you like me to wait my turn? You do them concurrently with me and then also add looking down, which I think is a waste of time.

So I'm not going to join you in that. Well, I'm a gentleman of leisure now, so I have the time. Okay, well, shall we begin by looking to the left? Yes. All right, here we go. Oh, my left or your left? We are facing each other. Camera left. That's always the opposite. I'm sorry, stage left. Yes.

Downstage, upstage. Okay, upstage is because the stage used to be on a rake. Downstage, upstage, all around the town. Okay. Yes, another vocal warm-up. That's right. We don't have time for that. All right, let's look stage left. Here we go. And... Hmm. What was that sound effect? I don't know. Is the great kazoo appearing? Nothing there. Nothing there. Nothing stage left. Although I do hear that noise once again. I again heard...

A distinct hello. Yeah, a greeting of some sort. Yes. There it is again. Nothing to the left, though. Nothing to the left. Shall we look stage right? Let us then look stage right. Huh. Hello. Nothing. Nothing. I did hear that hello again. I heard the hello again. But it's not to the right or the left. Which should we do now? Up or behind ourselves? Let's look up. Okay, here we go. And... Nothing heavenward. Some fluorescent lights. Just the ceiling. Well, yes, we...

Nothing unexpected, I should say. That's true. I did see something. It's not a surprise that fluorescent lights are there. I saw four fluorescent lights. I wanted to report back. Yes, I did as well. Thank you. Just to make sure we're simpatico on the same page. Certainly. I'm sure the listener enjoys being included. All right. Let's look behind us now because this is where I believe we're going to be seeing the source of this noise behind us. I say. Yes.

How if I were to look behind you and you look behind me? Oh, okay. Let's do that then. All right. I feel we'll have to move each other's heads to the side. Yes. Well, I think we can move our own heads to the side. I would prefer if you moved mine and I moved yours. All right. Here we go. Don't resist me. Stop fighting. Stop it. I'm not. I'm unaccustomed to having commoners move my head. Nothing. Well.

Well, I guess nothing's there. Well, there's one direction we have not looked. Now, you consider it a waste of time. I will not look down. Allow me to do so. I think it's a waste of time. I don't know why you would do that, but I'll allow. Are you as I please? I'll allow. And I please as I do. But watch yourself. Hello. What? Scottrick, look. Hello. Look where? Look down where I'm looking. That's a waste of time. No, it's not, I swear. Really? Yes. Convince me. Sell me on this.

Please, will you say hello one more time? Hello. Strange visitor. Hello. Do you see this grizzled little gnarled tiny man? No, I'm not looking down. Please, Skoltric, I beg of you, look down. I just wanted you to beg. How dare you. Make a lord beg on a podcast. Where else would you beg? No. All right, well, I'll look down then because...

Do you see this little wizened creature? What is that? He's a little man. He's a little old man. Excuse me. We were talking about an old man with a white beard before. Yes. We were talking about what you saw. Speaks of almighty God. But this is... I am not God. No one is God. No one can be God. Only God. There can be no God but God. Correct. Yes.

You have a... But you have a beard, is what I think I was trying to say. You have a large white beard. It's a glorious beard. It's glorious. Lord Andrew, shall we describe what we're seeing to the listener? Yes, let's. Also, maybe say hi. Oh, hello. Hello, little old man. Describe me. I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but...

That was kind of rude. You are correct, sir. It's just common courtesy. You say hello to somebody. Yes, I apologize on behalf of myself, Scottrick, and Her Majesty the Queen of England. Don't be a fucking asshole. Well, there's no call for that kind of language. We have apologized.

That would be rude. That's true. Okay. Hell-O, as they said in the old country. Hell and then O, which is the origin of that word. There was a dash. Correct. Hello, strange visitor. Hello. Now can we describe you? Is that... Please do. Okay. Well, this...

Vision is... Three feet tall. Three feet tall. That's being generous. Three foot one. Oh, I do a polter. Three foot one. Okay. Three foot one, which is about 37 inches high. And... I'm not positive on that, but I just don't do math too good. Uh-huh. And wearing sort of tattered clothes. Yeah. Clothes of rags and patches. Like some sort of muffin made of rags.

What? Like a muffin, but made of rags. Like a ragamuffin kind of thing. I believe you're misleading the listener to think this fellow is wearing a muffin. Yeah, I'm not a muffin. No, no, but he's a lot like a muffin. He's a man. He's not a muffin. He's a man. Oh, little old man, I will say I fucking love muffins. Please, but language. Sorry.

We all love muffins. Let's describe this. He loves muffins. Yes, he's a muffin lover. He's tiny. He's wizened. A beard as long as he is. That's true. It's about 37 inches long, this beard. I'd say 34 because it starts at his chin rather than his head. But if you look all the way down to the ground, it's about four inches that are dragging on the ground. It is dragging on the ground. It's about 37, I would say. The end of my beard is very dirty. You're stooped.

Elderly. Wisened. Face lined. Kind of shaped like a question mark. Care-worn hands. Your body is shaped like a question mark. It's very interesting. Well, a fat question mark. Well, but what's interesting is why is the period separated from the rest of the question mark? How are you able to do that on your body? It looks like your shoes are the period and then –

Do you know what I'm saying? I think it's that his socks are the same color as the wall. Oh, okay. Yes. Well, hello, strange visitor. Hello to you. It's nice to meet you. You're very strange and you're visiting us. Thanks. Welcome to the show. This is a show. This is a podcast. This is a show. A show? Yes, you're on a show. When I was a kid on television, you would see shows that I don't see.

I don't see it, so I don't believe you. When he was a kid, he's saying he used to watch television shows and you would see them, but he's not seeing this. You're telling me this is a show and I don't see nothing. Well, imagine we're on the other side of the television screen and also imagine this isn't on television. That's black magic. I don't...

I don't know if I'm cool with that. It's actually white science. Yes, the very opposite of black magic. That I'm cool with. Okay. So...

When you were a kid, you used to watch television. I'm guessing you look about 90 years old. Yes, maybe ask her. Today's my 90th birthday. Oh, happy birthday to you. Well, we would sing happy birthday to you. But we don't want to owe money to those two miserly crones, Mildred and Patty Hill. I dated both of those ladies. What? Yeah, yeah. When? My ex-girlfriend. 1900. Uh-huh.

You were born in 1924? Well, 90 years ago from today was when I was born. Okay, 1924. 1937. What? When you were 13 years old? Yeah, I dated both of them. I see. What a precocious child. Yeah. My goodness. So, wait a minute. You were 13 years old. If I'm remembering correctly, Patty...

Hill was born in 1868. Okay, right. Everybody knows that. So wait a minute. She would have been in her 60s when you dated her. Yeah, she was like in her 60s, yeah. So you had a sort of May-December romance. Yeah.

I've always liked the older ladies, you know. It's more like a January-December romance. Yeah, yeah. Or February, the very minimum. At the bare minimum. More like... Perhaps a February-November. Yeah. Or perhaps a little boy having sex with an older lady. Oh, yeah. That's a little more of an accurate description. Thirteen. You're just a little boy. Yeah. Yeah.

I've always said, though, if there's grass on the field, play ball. I'm sure that it was. I've always said, if you got a penis, you might as well have sex with a 60-year-old lady when it's time to do that. You've always said that? Ever since the day I was born. My goodness. 90 years ago. How long did you date Patty, and then how did you date both of them, and how long?

Three-part question. How long did you date Paddy? How long did you date both of them? Mildred. How did you date Mildred? And how long did you date both of them? You see, I was living on the streets when I was a kid. Rough and tumble sort of life. Yeah. Were you a ragamuffin? I was. I was a little scamp. Ah.

An adorable little scamp. Were you an urchin by any chance? Oh, yeah. You would classify yourself as an urchin. Correct. Certainly. I feel like I've met a street urchin, not a sea urchin. No. Oh, that's an important distinction. Yes. Very much so. Both of them, they must remain in their own element in order to survive. If you throw a street urchin in the water, he'll die. Yeah.

He cannot beg copper coins. If you throw a sea urchin on the street, he'll die too. Very quickly, yeah. You were an urchin of the land. Correct. And I feel like we've met someone like that. Yes, we have. I do like to think about it. I can't recall who it was. I've done too many of these shows. I can't remember who it was. Remind me after the show. Certainly. In any case, three-part question, go.

Sue. Excuse me. Three parts were up. I just threw up a little bit. What is wrong? Outside of your mouth? I somehow threw up outside my nose and it went in my mouth. Oh, my. The worst experience I've ever had as a human being. I'm not going to lie. I didn't enjoy the experience of hearing about it. I'm sorry you had to say that. I'm very old. My body is falling apart. Oh, no. Is it failing? Yeah. I've been on the streets for way too long. How long have you been on the streets?

Since I was a little baby boy. How long? So how long has it been? It's been about... It's got to be... 89. 89 and a half years at this point. So it's at six months you were cast out. Well, at four months. The first two months I lived with a very nice man. What was his...

Oh, we don't need to hear about the nice man because we're in the middle of a three-part question. Yes, exactly. Are we even in the middle of it? No, in fact, maybe. I feel like we're just riding alongside it at this point. Yeah. Let's get to it. I say let's jump into that sidecar of hilarity. Indeed. And let's get into this. How long did you date Patty? I dated them until they died. Oh.

I dated them until they passed away. Until they died. Yeah, well, of course they passed away. If I'm recalling correctly, they passed away in 1946 on probably sometime in May, May 25th, I would imagine. But aren't life spans increasing? Yes, I remember that day like it was yesterday. You remember the day that they died? They died on the same day? Well, I know. Was it a car crash? No, it was not. Suicide pact crash? No, stabbing.

Stabbing. Stabbing. They both died of stabbing. Interesting. Wow. I never heard that about... I mean, I know a lot about Patty Hill. I know a lot about Mildred Hill. Sure. I know. And together we're... Knowledgeable about the Hill sisters. I was going to say the guys who knew a lot about the Hill sisters. Okay.

Yes. That's the same way of saying it, but you classed it up. I don't like to. Yes, I don't like to refer to us as guys. What would you prefer? Chaps. Chaps. Bloops. Really? Now, that seems low class to me, to call you a chap or a bloke. No, chap is very proper. Yeah, well, I guess that implies friendship. It's more casual, yes. What does chap stand for? I know it's short for something. Constantly hearing airplanes park. Great.

Because only the rich, you see, back in the old days, had access to airplanes. Of course, nowadays it means you live close to an airport, which is actually the shittier part of town. Isn't that funny? Isn't it? Language. I'm so sorry. Like this wizened old man. Hey. Oh, hello. Watch your mouth, or I'll come over there.

Oh, yes, and what will you do? This guy. This little fellow. He has two thumbs. He can defend himself. He's an Englishman. I'm an Englishman. The constancy of my thumbs is... You should never go at somebody unless you know they're not packing.

Packing. Packing. We were just talking about airplanes. He must mean that he's... Are you going on a trip, old boy? You might be going on a trip to heaven in a couple moments. I don't think so. He's obviously going to hell. We were just talking about that before you walked in. You're missing the larger point. That was a threat. What?

You don't say. This little old man just threatened my life. This tiny, wizened old man... Dear. With a beard as long as he, threatened you, Lord Webber? Yes. Four inches of beard, on the ground, dirty. Dragging behind himself like a wedding train. Yes, socks the same color as the wall. How dare he? Very idea. Where I'm from, you call ahead, find out what color the wall is, and you change your socks. Where I'm from, we're ruled by an old lady.

Where I'm from, you have sex with 60-year-old women and then you don't talk out of turn or you get sliced up. That's what I'm saying. I see. My goodness. Oh, boy, this is not on. We're not off to a good start. I don't think we are either. Look, all I know is I was walking down the street. I heard your voices and I woke up outside of a time machine, okay? And I stood up and I said, I'm starving. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. You did what now?

Did I stutter or something? I don't mean to imply that you stuttered. It was a surprising bit of information. I think my ears must be deceiving me, and I wish they would stop it, quite frankly. Skortrick, if your ears are deceiving me, they are deceiving me as well, because I believe I heard the same thing that you heard. If my ears are deceiving you, they are deceiving you as well? Yes. Okay, that makes sense. So here's the situation that we're in. If Fryvault were to ever burst upon...

The scene. The scene, yeah. Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here right now? It would be crazy. He is not, though. Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here the whole time? It would be crazy. Of course he's not. Wouldn't it be crazy if he had dressed up like an old man to fool you guys and he was just here the whole time? It would be crazy, of course, but that is not the situation in which we are. Hello. Freibolt! Yeah.

You remember me? You remember you tried to kill me? Hello? That's vaguely familiar. Oh, yeah, vaguely familiar. What's up, Andrew Lloyd Webber? You forgot me. I was a Sondheim fan, you motherfucker. No, this is Stephen Sondheim, I think. Oh, shit. Stephen Sondheim? Hello, I'm Stephen Sondheim from America. From New York, as a matter of fact. Of course I am. I'm from New York City. I can tell by your accent. Oh, you love barbecue sauce, right? I love barbecue sauce. It's an honor to meet you. I'll get to you in a second. Thank you. Yo.

Uh, I'm not, I'm not Scott. You're not? Zip! What? Hello? Forval? Hello? Why, you're just a little boy. Where am I? Who the hell are you? Do you have any scraps? You're on Earth. Do you have any scraps? Yo, this is fucked up.

Um, hey. Oh. I killed Forvo in a previous time to take his body to come back here to kill Scott Aukerman. You didn't kill me. And Andrew Lloyd Webber. I thought I did. No, I had some zombie makeup lying around I stole from Steven Young. That is the most brilliant trickery I've ever heard. The greatest trick that Forvo ever played was getting a bunch of zombie makeup. Well, thank God my brother is still alive. Hi, Forvo. I missed you. I missed you. I'm sorry I had to kill you. No, you didn't kill me.

Thank you. Why'd you want to kill me?

I had to because you guys killed me when I did nothing. Well, now, I, of course, didn't kill anyone. I'm from America. Wait, is this... Who is this? Is this Stephen Sondheim? It's me, Stephen Sondheim. This is Stephen... This is the incomparable Stephen Sondheim. Bow down. Frevo, don't you see what's happening? What? That's not Stephen Sondheim. What are you... Say what? That's... What are you doing, Scottrick? I'm not Scottrick. Scottrick? Wait, you're like me, I'm Fawful? I'm Fawful. Who the... Fawful? What in the...

I'm Fawful. This is a plan that we hatched. All I know is I came here to kill some time bobbies, and if we have all somehow collapsed upon each other inside out at some sort of vortex... Do you own a vortex, buddy? Do I own a vortex? Yeah, mine's under my bed. I never use it. Yeah, well, we lived in the same house for a little while, so yeah, maybe I slipped into that vortex somehow. Huh.

Maybe I'm thinking of my vorplex. I'm very frightened and afraid. You do not look frightened. You look more confused than anything else. Also that. Did you hear his voice? He slipped out of the New York accent. Oh, you motherfucker. Yeah, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yes, yes, it is.

is I, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I am prepared to accept whatever fate awaits me at your hands or the hands of you. Fryvold, I'll let you do the honors and just say what you want to do to this motherfucker because he's really, he's fucking, he's really just a fucking...

Now tell me about it. This fucking guy, I mean, this guy is a fucking piece of shit, man. What crime have I committed other than inspiring millions with my musical compositions? I go to my grave if to the grave I must go with my head held high in service of Her Majesty. You treated my little brother like shit. He wanted to live with you.

And you said nothing. You would not let him. As a matter of fact, you played him like a fool. And then he came back to apologize. All I wanted was a nice man with a nice home. I offered to let you live in a golden cage.

But you threatened to stab me again and again. And a few times you did stab me. Motherfucker, you put me in a cage again. Now, now. For all we've talked about your language. Oh, don't you talk to him like that. He can talk any way he wants. Frywald's here. I've got my bigger brother Frywald here now, and he's going to protect me. And besides that, I'm also packing. I got the Rottweilers. He was in disguise. He doesn't have any of them. I actually got the Rottweilers right here. Rottweiler snatch. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? I just said...

Rottweiler snatcher. Yeah, I know what that was. Because I was dressed up as Forval. Wait, I know what it was because I'm dressed up like Scott. What? You are, Scott? No, I'm... Wait, am I? I think you two better kill each other. Let me check this almanac for a second here. Check the almanac. Who am I? Turns out the Red Sox won the World Series recently. Wait, that team in Boston? Oh, boy.

Wait a minute, let me put my costume back on. Zip! Hey, I'm back. I realize now that Forval and I are the same person, that I'm just wearing a Scott costume. But I actually am Forval. Oh, you... I'm sorry. You just realized that you're wearing a Scott costume? Yes, I've been wearing a Scott costume my whole life. And that I actually am Forval. And you...

Are Freiburg my brother? Correct. Dressed- I was dressed up as an old forval as a joke. You tricked me into thinking that I was an old man. All so that we could kill Andrew Lloyd Webber. So let's kill Andrew Lloyd Webber. I say we do this. I say let's kill Andrew Lloyd Webber. Full circle. We find ourselves at a curious circumstance. Shut the fuck up. Oh my god, this is- The grizzly man himself.

He's not the Grizzly Man. He's the director. Oh, I thought that was an autobiography. No, no, no. This is not an autobiography. No, yeah, Grizzly Man was not about the director of the film. I did not realize that. No, no. Werner Herzog? Yes. You've been dressed up like Andrew Lloyd Webber? For this whole time. Every time you have spoken to Andrew Lloyd Webber, it has secretly been me. The entire time? The entire time. So where is Andrew Lloyd Webber? He doesn't exist. What? Say what? He is a creation of a...

Of legend. It was originally to make children eat their vegetables. That was why Andrew Lloyd Webber was invented? To make children eat their vegetables? It didn't work. Yeah, clearly. Was it a thing of if you don't eat your vegetables, you'll have to go to an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical? That's correct. Oh, man.

Interesting. My God. We are really involved in quite a buttercream effect right now. This is the buttercream effect, I think. My goodness. Seems as if my whole world has collapsed in upon itself. And mine as well. Every time Andrew Lloyd Webber has been on the show, it's been you and Disguise? Yes, that is correct. Disguise. Disguise?

This guy right here. This guy is right there. No wonder you said you had two thumbs when you were Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yes. I've only known one other guy to have two thumbs, and that's been you. Yes, my thumbs are so constant that I might as well be an Englishman. I have to say this is technicality no down boo over. Technicality no down boo over? Yes. This is technicality no down boo over. I don't like that. Technicality no down boo over? Yes, I don't like that. Technicality no down boo over? Yes. Coco Marks.

Wait, Coco Marx is here? Yeah, it's me, Coco Marx. He started zip? What? It's me, Aaron Neville. Aaron Neville? I don't know much. Oh my god, layers upon layers. Zip, Coco Butter. What?

It's me, Fievel. From the movie. From an American tale? Correct. Somewhere out there. Somewhere. Zip! It's me, Peeble Bryson. Somewhere out there. Zip! It's me, Aladdin. Didn't you sing a song for Aladdin? A whole new world. Don't you dare shut your eyes. Wait, are you who we think you are? Zip! Y'all hear him, Sireens? J.W. Stillwater! That's right! There's a crime going on here.

Y'all murderers! Zip! It's me, Jesse the Mine, Saw Body Ventura! Zip! Hello, it's the Sheriff of Nottingham. Zip! It's me, Jazz Jazz. Jazz Jazz. Who's Jazz Jazz? From... From... This is an obscure one, right? Jazz Jazz, the couple fan of the show. The barber... from the barbershop? I'm trying to remember his details. Zip! Ha! Ha!

Lookie here! Oh, wow! Huell Houser. I'm back from the dead! Wow! Risen from the grave, or is it just Steve Young's zombie makeup? Wow! Zip! And bring out the girls. Zip!

I was lying the whole time. It's me, Forval again. The real Forval. Zip! That's me, Scott. I was lying the whole time. Zip! It's me, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I was lying the whole time. You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers as well.

Science! We're all just a bunch of motherfuckers. We're all a bunch of time-traveling motherfuckers. We're like the ears but people. We were lying to each other. We all lied. We were folding in on each other and it's gotta stop. It's gotta stop. There's only one way to stop it. What's that?

Like this! Run while you're snatched! Run while you're snatched! You can't do this! You motherfuckers, this'll never happen again! I'm gonna get on my pony, I'm gonna drive away! I will return! Look at him drive that pony! He's got eight legs! Oh, Scottrick.

I feel as if I have very deep knifing wounds. It looks as if that is so. Is this blood seeping through my fingers? He got me walking dead style right in the forehead. Hello? Yes? Hi, I'm Jay Davidson. I was looking for my penis. Number four. That's right. That's right. Jay Davidson came back.

He's looking for his penis. Looking for his penis. By the way, we heard the return of technicality no down boo over. Oh. I didn't bring it up when it came up in the Gillian Jacobs episode in our last episode, but technicality no down boo over is something that I said in that Gary Marshall, Gillian Jacobs. Technicality. No. Down. Boo. Over. Now, I wondered why I said that, and I sent you a text because people kept –

tweeting me technicality no down boo over and I said why did I say technicality no down boo over and you just wrote back because you're an idiot so and now and then cut to me getting mad that you don't text me more about my various projects

But it was because I was trying to say that we were voting. You heard it in the last episode. We were voting on – we were trying to – we had a competition to say without going over something. So I was like, technicality, no. And then I was saying down, like it needs to be down. And then I said boo.

And then I said over because you were over. Right. But you immediately said technicality, no doubt, boo over. As Len Wiseman. As Len Wiseman. Technicality, no doubt, boo over. And so many people tweeted me that they thought that was funny. I decided to remember it and tried to say it as many times as possible. Here's what I think cemented it is because when I said that, it –

For whatever reason, me saying that all run together, it killed you. You were so delighted by it. No! Technicality! Down! Boo! Over! And you just said...

No technicality, no down boo over. No, technicality, no down boo over. Technicality, no down boo over. And it's a phrase that we have said on At Midnight. That was the best. Screamed it at each other. That was the best. Ignoring Chris Hardwick. Yeah, I felt that as committed as I was to that bit, I did feel kind of bad because he had no choice but to just turn to the camera because you and I are just screaming at each other.

And he's like, okay, well, I guess this bit is not. I'll just talk to myself then. Let's look at the camera over here. Speaking of at midnight, I will be on January 8th, the day before our Comedy Bang Bang season premiere. I will be on a couple days before you, I believe, on January 6th. And I believe it will not be on at midnight that week. It will be on at 1130. That's right, at 1130 until they put that Larry Wilmore show in there.

Or that. Yeah, I'll be on December 6th with – January 6th. Do you know who you're on with? January 6th? I know I'm on with Steve Agee. That's all I know. I'm on with Padgett Brewster and Thomas Lennon. Fun. That'll be a fun episode. That's great. I have not won yet. I have won a couple of times, but it hasn't – You've won at my expense as well on a technicality no-down boo-over. Technicality no-down boo-over.

All right, we have to wrap it up. By the way, that Time Bobby 3, let's talk about it just in brief. That was a fun one to do. Yes, it was. We didn't know whether we could keep the balls up in the air. We didn't know if we were even going to do another Time Bobby, but Bobby loves doing Forval so much. It's pretty hilarious when he does it. It's a wonderful creation. Yeah, it's a great voice. And the weird thing is, like, they're...

Did you feel like a little pressure? I felt pressure to make this good. Yeah, anytime we do a sequel... When you're going back to the well. When you're going back to the well, be it Farts and Procreation or Time Bobby 3 or some of Andy Daly's stuff, you feel a lot of pressure like, oh no, are we going to be able to come up with it? Sometimes the mythology-laden episodes are the ones that have the most pressure for you and I and my other guests to kind of...

really make them good. But as evidenced by this countdown, there are some of people's favorites episodes. Some of people's favorites. Some of people's favorites episodes. I like to live here. America, number one. Statues of Libertad?

All right. Well, that was a fun one. By the way, if you like that character, Forval, he was not only in Time Bobby 1 and Time Bobby 2, but he's in the other New York episode that we did release and that we did record. Yes. And that is not mythology-laden at all. That's just a fun episode where Forval is just participating in the episode. That's right. So that's in the CBB Live episodes.

The bundle that you can get in the Earwolf store right now. We have to bring this to a close for today. We have to. We have to. There's a literal and figurative gun to our heads. Yeah. Regarding this issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam, put it down. Sam is holding an actual gun. Just fucking do it, Sam! No! Just fucking do it! I don't want to do the next episode! No, hold on a second! Hold up. I want to live!

We are going to be back on Thursday. We'll be back on New Year's Day. Oh, New Year's Day. A brand new time for you to do a life that's good. We'll be back on New Year's with your top three. This is exciting. It's very exciting. Very exciting. We'll see you then. Thanks. Bye.

Want to hear Earwolf Pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

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