Best of 2015 Pt. 1
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Comedy Bang Bang

I'm not a doctor, but I play one on WebMD, where you might recognize my catchphrase, you definitely have syphilis. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Did I say Comedy Bang Bang? I believe I did. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. For another week, first of four best of episodes. First of four, that is right. This is B020151.

Sounds like a Star Wars droid, doesn't it? Oh, we gotta go into the new one.

Bum.

Welcome to the Comedy Bang Bang Show for our best of. That was, of course, the Cantina theme original version mixed with a little reggae. Of course it was both of those. If you have not seen the new Star Wars, that's the only spoiler we'll give here today. There's a little bit of reggae music in it. Oh, reggae man! So make sure you get to a theater post-haste if you are a reggae fan. Now, did you hear the rumor that one of the Cantina characters

was actually Adrian Brody reprising his famous Rastaman character from SNL. Booyakasha! I'll never, ever forget that. Sean John!

My neck. Respect my neck. Respect my neck. I believe he was in there in the back with just a, what do you call those reggae hats? Hats? You just call them hats because you're such a reggae fan. It's like Chinese food to you when you live in China. Yeah. Do you guys want to have some Chinese food from the food we eat here in China? Yeah.

Welcome to... I keep welcome you... Welcoming... Welcoming? Is that how you say it? Yeah, welcoming. Of course it is. Welcome, Ninny. Welcome, Ninny, to the episode. Oh, boy. God. I love...

Welcome to the episode. I am Scott Aukerman, your host, of course, for nigh upon six and a half years now with this program. Wow. And yeah, pretty crazy how it keeps going, how time keeps marching on and things occur and then things do not occur and yet progress is made, forward progress. You say so. Mm-hmm.

Is something that just keeps continuing happening considered progress? I don't know. You know, it'd be interesting if, say, time occurred like you did a day, and then you went backwards a little bit, and then you went forwards a little bit, you know? That's how I feel all the time, Scott. Ah! Ring-a-bong! Ring-a-music! Ring-a-bong!

By the way, the new Cantina theme was, I believe, partially written or written, or I'm not, I haven't checked the press materials yet that were passed out in my screening. That's right. When are we going to go through that press kit for Star Wars The Force Awakens? Because we are critics, of course. This is considered to be a critical program. We're influencers, Scott. We're influencers. Yes, that's right. But that was, I believe, co-written or written by one of our new friends, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

You were searching for the name. I didn't know what the next word was going to be. No, I wasn't searching for the name. I was searching for a cosign from you. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Like to nod. To nod. Yes, of course. Our new friend. Yes. Lin-Manuel Miranda of Hamilton. The composer of Hamilton. Yes. Composer and star. Composer and star of Hamilton. Yes. And I will be... If you're listening to this when it comes out, I'll be seeing it tomorrow night, I believe. What if they're listening to it after it comes out? Well...

then all bets are off. And so you're saying if people listen to this... I am taking bets on this. If people listen to this at 12 a.m. Pacific Standard Time... Yes. PST. Yeah, on Tuesday, I guess. Tuesday. Or Monday. No, this comes out on Monday. Comes out on Monday. All right. I'll introduce you in a second. But yes, he listens to this program, I believe. Listens to this program. He listens to the program. He listens to the program with the pudding. You're not going to hear anything for much longer. Ha ha ha ha.

Night and night, senses receding. That's a big story that happened in 2015. That counts. That counts as something that we can talk about. I feel like that's a little off-brand for me. This is best week ever. Best week ever. Why? We're having such a good time. That's right. And I have the former host of Best Week Ever right across from me.

He, of course, he only does these episodes on the best ofs, although he did one in the mid-year, I believe. I believe so. You know, which was a big treat to have him on. But he'll be on for the next four episodes where we'll be counting down your top 14 Comedy Bang Bang episodes. Today we'll be going through 14 through 11.

And then so on and so forth. This one goes to 11? Spinal tap. Pop culture reference. Best week ever. He was the former host of this program, Best Week Ever. I still am. Yeah, you're still here. I still am the former host of that program. I always will be. Really? You don't think that you'll ever not be the former host? You'll be the current host? Well, I don't think it's ever coming back with me as the host. What if it did?

Well, it came back without me as the host. That's true. And then it died on its own. Didn't need help from me. Yeah, that's right. Um, Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hello. Hi to me. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. This is the, this is, uh, Christmas week and Boxing Day week. That's right. Uh,

Those are the two holidays people mean when they say happy holidays. No other holidays. No other holidays at all. Welcome back to the program. It's very nice to see you. Scott, it's always nice to see you. Thank you for having me. I love this time of year, and one of the reasons I love it is because eggnog. Case closed. We have a couple of glasses right here. See you guys next episode.

Oh, my God. I'm fucking drunk. Do you like eggnog? Because I do. I do. I actually, the widow, Kulop, and I, when we went out shopping for a get-together we had recently, we bought a lot of alcohol at Costco. Sure. And I bought six giant jugs of pre-made whiskey eggnog. Oh, with the booze already in it? With the booze already in it. I was like, oh, this is going to be a big hit at the party. I believe one and a half of those giant jugs was. So we have four and a half still at the house. May I say, Scott, I was at. Come on. If this is the game.

Hear me now! Respect! If this is the gathering that I was invited to... Magic the Gathering, yes. Yeah, if this was the Magic the Gathering get-together that I was invited to, I didn't see... You needed to bring some new cards. I did not see that eggnog anywhere. And I would have had some. I know. Well, at one point, the bartender...

almost set fire to my kitchen by trying to heat some up. He took it upon himself. Really cool dude. Heat some up? Yeah, he pulled out a saucepan unbeknownst to Kulabarai and he just heated some up in a saucepan and then someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, hey, look. I turned around. There's a giant flames up to the ceiling.

But he was great. Nice guy named Kevin. He learned all of our names. Did you notice that? I did not notice that. There were quite a few people at this get-together, and he memorized everyone's name. Do you think he used a

A demonic device. Yes. He sold his soul to Satan. So just for that power. Seems like a waste. You and I have both seen Star Wars, so let's go through some spoilers. Absolutely. Rest in peace, R2-D2. Too soon. R2-D2 soon.

Let's get that hashtag going. R2D2 soon. Anytime you're joking about the death of a robot, it's R2D2 soon. Yes, anytime. And how often does that come up? Joking about the death of a robot. More often than you think, but not that often still. I guess joking about the movie iRobot. Lots of robots. iRobot. Ay, ay, ay, dos mio robots.

Don't joke about iRobot, though. I would never. I would never. iRobot would never. So what else is going on for you this holiday season? I mean, you're off to Never Never Land. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Regitalica, mon. Oh, Regitalica. I bet somebody's done that. I bet. I was listening. You know, I have close to 200,000 songs in my iTunes. I just put it on random. Of course I know that. And I have records that I've never listened to that one day just one song will pop up in there. And one of them is Beatalica, which is, I believe, Beatles songs done in the style of Metallica. Absolutely. And it's really funny to hear someone impersonate

What's his name? Hetfield? Who is that guy? Kirk? Yeah, James Hetfield. James Hetfield, yeah. Because basically all the guy does is goes, eight days a week. It's really funny. Worth it. Worth it. My wife and I- I'm just going to let that pass. Thank you.

We've traded music back and forth over the years, you know, shared songs with each other. So sometimes I'll have a song in my library that absolutely is from her music collection. Right. And we'll be listening to it in the car and she'll be like, who's this? And she doesn't like it? I got this from you. I got this from you, dad. I don't know why, but it's always the maximum amount of incredulity when she's asking me, what's this?

And what normally is it? What type of music does she enjoy? National anthems. She loves national anthems. Really? Just from every country? From every country. What is the best national anthem I'm trying to think? Because pretty much Canada's and the United States of America are almost exactly the same, are they not? Or are they a different tune? I think they're a different tune. What's the thing I'm thinking of?

You're thinking of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. Right. And the alphabet. Right. A, B, C, D, E, F, G. How I wonder where you are. Got it. Yeah. By the way, in the public domain now. That's right. Happy birthday to you. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Signed with UTA. After the midnight raid. Oh my goodness. What a big news story that was. I mean, Scott, we could talk about that for four episodes. Oh, were you in play? I've been in play.

There was a while there where I was like, where am I? Where am I? Am I a CAA? Am I a UTA? I haven't heard from anybody. Oh. That's a little inside talk here. Should be outside. More people should know about it. Yep. More people should know about the ins and outs of showbiz representation. And people should be able to look at our bank accounts. Yeah. Transparency. Transparency. Transparent is a big TV show. Why not, you know?

Let's see how much they make. Yeah, exactly. If they're so transparent. Should be in the credits. In the closing credits. What everyone's salary was. Yeah. Name, actor name, character, salary. Come on.

Tambor. Position of the call sheet. I know you like that. Yeah, I love that stuff. By the way, I want to hype this a little bit. You are in a television show that I'm producing called Bajillion Dollar Properties. That's right. First episode coming out in a few weeks. Isn't it Bajillion Dollar Property dollar sign? Sorry.

Bajillion dollar proper tie. Tie. Dollar sign. Yes, of course. That's how you search for it. It's like num three-ers. That's right. That's how it's pronounced. Or seh seven. Seh seven-en. What number are you on the call sheet for that? Scott, inexplicably, I am number one. You are number one.

Number one on the call sheet. Very good. It's been a while. It's been a while. Since I've been number one on the call sheet. What's so funny is I'm not even on the show every day. So I'm still, for some reason, CC'd on all communications with the show. So I get the call sheets every day when I'm not working. And I see that it starts with number two. Right. Always with number two. Because it's out of deference to your stature in the entertainment industry. Yeah.

That's what my whole career has been leading up to, is for someone to take pity on me and say, make him number one. No, no, no, no. This was no pity, sir. Make him number one on our call. This was contractually obliged. Is that so? No. I think it was out of deference to you. That's very kind. Are you having a good time on that show? We showed you a little bit of it the other day. Yes. I think you were threatening to show me more, but it would have made me so- I'm going to show you more. It would have made me so self-conscious to-

With you guys, watch myself on a screen. You have a couple of great scenes in that. You score big in it. Oh, good. I am very glad. I had a great time working on that. We're going to do a little more in the next month. Do a little more. All right. Yep. And it's a great group of people. I love those kids. They're all 30 years younger than I am. Fresh. I don't believe that is true. I don't believe they're prepubescent. They're all 10 years old.

but, uh, we found a great cast for it. I do, I do want to talk about it just a little bit because I think people will want to see this, but, uh, it's, uh, the widow cool up show that she created and I'm producing it along with Tom Lennon, Ben Grant, and Ben was directing and, uh, half the time with Alex Fernie and Alex was also directing. And, uh,

Yeah, I mean, we found some great young improvisers who are the cast, and you are their boss. And you're sort of... On screen and off. Wait a minute. Were you bossing them around off screen? I was. I was wondering why you were having like shoe shines done by them. It was a lot. I was adjusting their posture. I was telling them to look sharp. They were walking around with books on their heads like they were in finishing school. That's right.

They should call it ending school. Shouldn't they? Why? Because. That's all I got. Because. Hey, finishing school, what about starting school? You know what I mean? What about staying in school? That's kindergarten. Okay, yeah, you're right.

So look for that on CISO. Bajillion Dollar Properties. It's a very funny show and it really is a great cast and I had so much fun improvising with those guys. And you'll be filming a little more come the new year as well. And yeah, so in a few weeks, I believe, that'll be up on CISO. So people should be

figuring out their test. I heard March. No, it premieres in March, but there is a, the first episode goes up in a couple of weeks. Oh, sneaky peeky. Sneaky peeky. Sneaky peeky. You have peeky blinders. Hmm.

Yeah, so people should go to CISO and get the test. What is it? Not test, but trial run? Yeah, it's like a free trial or something like? Everyone is due a free trial. It is a subscription service. Because it's a constitution. Right. That's right. Everyone is allowed a free, quick, and speedy trial. That's right. They can get a trial membership to CISO with a jury of their peers. Ha ha ha.

Now, you have to sit through a jury process. Oh, my. And it's the worst. There is a trial. It is the worst. You ask people, have you ever seen television? And then if they have, they're disqualified. And when it's a jury of their peers, really? A bunch of white people? Yeah. A bunch of rich white people? Exactly. Come on. Anyway, that'll be coming up soon. And speaking of coming up soon, I do want to say that we have to get to our countdown, don't we? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. That's on the topic of coming up soon. Yeah, I mean, it's coming up right now. I believe let's get to it. Can't get any sooner than that. We're going to be counting down your, and you guys voted on this, by the way. Yeah, this is on you. This is on whatever, you know, we don't give a shit. We just read it. I could not fucking care less. You know what I mean? Yeah, I spent the last three days.

days and nights compiling these clips and figuring out time code. Now, how do you determine the clips? Do you ask people what are their favorite moments? Here's what I do. Okay, and by the way, we're going to be listening to your top 14 on this countdown. Couldn't quite sneak in the 15.

What is that? Just for amount of time that we have. These are all long episodes. Couldn't quite get the 15th in there. I would have had to shorten every other clip so much that it wouldn't have been funny. That's fair. But basically, I figure out what the numbers are. I go look at the episode page. I will sometimes – I'll try to remember it from memory and go, what was funny in that? But what is more –

is to go to the message boards and kind of read people's reactions to it at the time because a lot of times people will go, oh, this was so funny when they said that. I'll sort of give that a cursory skim. Then I usually have to listen to the entire episode in order to remember what was really funny while taking notes and time code notes, and then I'll go back and figure out the time code. Now, it is important to note –

that you are doing this on your own time. No one is really helping you out with this. No. And you don't have to do this. Good old engineer Cody Ryan over here is helping us out here on one of the days off from the studio, so that's really nice of him. That is very nice of him to do. But what I mean is that this is a thing that you are providing us

that you don't have to do this. Well, it's a passion project for me. We started the Best Ofs six years ago, I believe, and it's something that I enjoy doing, although it takes too much fucking time. It's a celebration of a fun year. It's a celebration, Byches!

It's a celebration. It's a celebration, bitches. We need to celebrate. What dialect is it? What dialect is it? It's a celebration, bitches. It's a celebration, bitches. Celebration, bitches. That is a horrifying dialect.

I know we have fans out there and where is it? Australia or New Zealand? That's what we were attempting to do. What's the deal? Who cares out there? Look, I will be visiting you though. I believe we may be going out there this year. Oh, fingers crossed. Yes. So much fun. I was there with the Thrilling Adventure Hour in New Zealand and Australia. Um,

This past year, and it was a lot of fun. And hopefully you'll be coming out to Australia and New Zealand this year with us. But, you know, we'll talk about that a little later in our countdown. But let's waste no more time. Let's get to it. Let's get to number 14. Number one, four. That's right. Number 14 is here. That's right. Yeah, it is right. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I said it, and then it occurred. That's right. Number 14 is here. Number 14 is here.

This is number 14 on your countdown. I do want to say this narrowly beat out number 15, which is...

Why do I have... Stammerer's Paradise? Stammerer, yes. When I walk through the valley. It narrowly beat out Is Y'all My Daddy? Oh, wow! Which was the continuing saga of J.W. Stillwater. That's right, the introduction of Professor Steelwater. Steelwater, yes, his daddy. Yes. And which had, of course, Carmen, his young ward Carmen. Caramel. Caramel, sorry. Yeah.

Cameron Esposito. Yes, Cameron Esposito, narrowly beat out. You will not be hearing that clip today, but go back and check that episode out. You really should. That was a funny episode. You really should. This is, of course, episode number 329 from all the way back January 12th. Oh, wow. The second episode of, no, actually the third episode in the calendar year of 2015. Oh, wow.

We had two episodes before it. This is January 12th. This is the Too Much Tuna Tour. Absolutely. That's right. With Nick Kroll and John Mulaney. That's right. That's right. That is right. Who keeps saying it's not right? Who among you? Step forward. If not now, when? And if not who, then you?

This was the, as I said, the third episode back in the new year. And this was really fun. This basically, Nick Kroll came on. Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll came on. Nick Kroll. He was just about to premiere the final season of Kroll's show. And he was there to explain why he was leaving. A very funny pre-character story.

By the way, if you've never listened to Comedy Bang Bang before, maybe you just were given an iPod. That's always my theory. Someone gets an iPod on Christmas and they go, what is a podcast? Serial?

And then they run out of cereal to listen to and they go, all right, I'm going to find something else. But season two, though, just started with Bo Bergdorf. Who's that? He's the host of the new season of cereal. Oh, he is? Really? What happened to whoever her name was? Oh, I don't know. I think she got murdered. Wait, by the first guy? Yeah, they're trying to solve her. They're trying to solve her.

That would be the best season two of all time. That's right. Bo Bergdahl, of course, from the supermarket chain and former NFL great. Murdered. What's her name? That's right. Murdered Walter Koenig. What?

From Star Trek? Chekhov? Star Trek. By the way, Scott, I know you got business to do. Yeah. Tell me this happened when you saw Star Wars. There were 30 minutes of trailers before the movie, right? Because people... A little less of the arc line. The movie business is like, let's... We have a captive audience. Let's show them everything. They showed a Star Trek trailer before Star Wars. And at the end of it, everyone booed. And it really made me laugh. A lot of people upset that...

about this new Star Trek trailer, including even Simon Pegg, I guess, a friend of the show who was interviewed recently and they asked him about the new Star Trek trailer and his face could not hide his embarrassment about it. And it's purely just because they're using, listen, y'all, listen, say,

Throughout the entire thing. Right. Because young Kirk plays it when he's like a five-year-old kid driving around that car or something. Something like that. And he's like, remember that time I drove around that car and played that old, old, hundreds of years old song? Yeah. I'm going to listen to that the rest of my life. It's not a great trailer. Mm-hmm. It's not a great trailer. I thought it looked all right. But I thought it was funny that the Star Wars audience booed the Star Trek trailer. Do you think it was because they were at Star Wars and they were booing Star Trek? Yes. I think it's because they hated the trailer. Oh, no. No.

Because there were some other shitty trailers that did not get that treatment. I just think that there is a big backlash against that trailer. That particular trailer. Perhaps you're right. I don't know. Let's agree to disagree. Maybe it was just people going, this is Star Wars, not Trek. I think that's what it was, Scott. I think people who like Star Wars like Star Trek, though, too. Of course there's crossover. Scott, darling, of course there is. It's only the stars, my dear boy.

One's a long time ago. One's in the future. What if they're both in the same universe? You know what I mean? What if we're in the same universe as both of them? Well, obviously we're in the same universe as Star Trek. Is it obvious? Because in Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home, they come back here. There are multiple universes, though. That's right. This is the multiple universe theory. That's right. This is what it is. The multiple universe theory is there might be a different universe other than Star Trek.

I feel like we're getting wildly off course here. What were we doing? We were talking about episode number 14. Too much tuna tour. Too much tuna tour. So if you've never heard this before, Comedy Bang Bang, and these best ofs are where we pull back the curtain and we talk about the making of the show. Basically what we do on the show. Sausage times. Sausage times. This is how the bread is made.

Usually the show, it's always hosted by me. Always. I know. It's the worst. And the first segment is usually talking to a star of stage or screen. That's right. And could be a big screen, could be a small screen, but usually I'll talk to someone as themselves for a while. And then I will have several comedians playing fake characters on the program, which

At least one. At least one, either in the next segment or in the middle of the first segment or sometimes at the beginning. But that's what the show is. Well, let's nail down where they come in. Which segment? You want time code?

No, it's always me talking to, usually talking to one real person and then one or more several fake people. Sometimes it'll all be fake people. We've done episodes like that before. That's very rare. It's very rare, but sometimes we do it. But in this particular instance... Sometimes it's... Scott, shut up.

And maybe this is what you were going to speak to. Sometimes a real person will start out as themselves and then they'll go away in quotes. And then they'll come back as the character. And that's exactly what happened here. I was just talking to Nick Kroll as himself about Kroll Show. Meanwhile, John Mulaney, who's a great comedian, a lot of people know him as the creator of –

What's that guy's name? Frederico. Stefan. Frederico. I don't know. SNL's Stefan. Now, you haven't watched SNL since Gary Kroger was on. No, I will not. He was your last favorite. I've only watched Gilbert Gottfried from the original cast. That's right. My original cast when I first started watching. That's right. And when they left, I was, I'm out. Once Denny Dillon was not in the mix anymore, forget it.

But yeah, John Mulaney, great stand-up comedian, has a Netflix special out right now. Very funny. Watched it the other night. Yep. The Comeback Kid. The Gentleman, yes. I was going to say The Gentleman Caller.

The Lady Vanishes, starring John Mulaney. I'm getting a lot of things wrong. But wildly wrong, though. Yeah, very, very wrong. At least there's that. By the way, what are you doing with this? I felt it very important to flatten this empty tissue box. Oh, my God. I have compulsions. It's not like a fire going.

It's the season. So John Mulaney was just watching us, and then Nick went away, and they came back as their characters, George St. Gigland and Gil Faison. Characters they've done for a long time. They've done them on Kroll Show. They get pronked with Too Much Tuna. And currently they just wrapped up their off-Broadway run yesterday, and I was there in the audience of Oh, Hello. Were you really? Yes, I was. How was it? Oh, so funny. I wish I'd seen that. Yeah.

And so they came back as these characters, and they just went on probably an hour-long uninterrupted run of just stream-of-consciousness rambling. That was really, really funny. Yes, it was. And so we're going to hear that. Basically, it starts off, they're talking about 2014. Reminder, this was in January of 2015. Yeah, okay, guys. They're sort of recapping 2015.

2014 and all of the celebrities they'd lost over the year. Let's hear that. This is your episode 14. Number one for...

Well, guys, it's 2015. I mean, time is passing so quickly, is it not? Yeah, and what a year that we just saw her go by. No. 2014. We lursed so many greats. We lursed so many people. Yeah, we did. Gin Rivers. Of course, yeah. Robin. Robin Williams. Who could forget? Oh, I thought you meant Batman's partner, Robin. Oh. Who's that? No, but Chris O'Donnell did die. Chris O'Donnell died this year. That's true.

Yeah. Tim Allen. We lost Tim Allen. I still... It's hard for me to... I'm about to cry, so don't... It's hard for me to... Judge. Talk about Tim Allen because...

You know, he did so much for cocaine. Yeah, big influence on you in the terms of how much cocaine he did. That you could sell cocaine and then still make a lot of money in another field. But in a non-cocaine field. Yeah. Well, it's not that acting is in a non-cocaine field. And he did so much cocaine. Yeah. He not only did so much for cocaine, for cocaine. But he actually did a lot. Yeah. Of cocaine. He did a lot of cocaine. But he asked for forgiveness. He did. Didn't he?

Didn't he? Or did he not? I can't remember. And we lost Saul Bellows, of course. Oh, Saul Bellows. Who was Saul Bellows again? One of the great writers that I never read. Oh, yeah. I know Mr. Bellows on I Dream of Jeannie. Oh, of course. That was him. That was the writer. No, yeah. And, of course, we lost Jeannie Triplehorn. Oh, God. Terrible. Terrible loss. It's crazy to think about. From basic instinct. Ugh.

I mean, you would—I called Gil one day, and I said, hey, how's Ricky Lake doing? And he said, she's gone. And I said, wait a minute, God, she had a vacation? He said, no, George, she's gone. She passed from us. She died this year. Do you want to know three more people that have died this year? I want to know the people. These are exclusives. Okay. So no one else knows about these? No one knows. Okay.

Dominique Wilkins is dead. What? You heard it here. The human highlight film is past. What? Absolutely. Absolutely dead. Dead as shit door knob. 100% dead? You heard it here first. 100% dead. 110%? Anyone coming forward as Dominique Wilkins is a little imposter.

I can't believe, I cannot believe that we lost Harvey Keitel this year. Harvey Keitel died in 2014. What a terrible loss. But, you know, to be honest, we lost him years ago. He died to me after he made the piano. Really? So 1993. When we saw that little piano, his in the piano, that little snub nose. Yeah. That little sword I've shot. That sword I've...

How many films have we seen his penis in? Not enough. Not enough, man. I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to go to the Oscars this year because so many of my pals are gone. Oscar Isaac, an up-and-coming star. He passed away. He died in 2014. Oh, my gosh. Just right before the release of his film, a most violent year. And it was for him, having succumbed to death. How did he die? He succumbed. He succumbed? How? How?

What happened? He fought. He really fought it. Yeah. His hair grew inside of his face. His hair grew inwards. You can't have that. That full head of hair. When you see a guy with a full head of hair, they got to be careful because that hair will grow inwards. That'll go in. Yeah, it's the opposite of a haircut. Suffocate his brain. Yeah. So the hair wrapped around his brain. Hair works both ways. Strangled his medulla oblongata. It absolutely crushed his brain. Oh.

And all the money in the world. And he was, by the end, he was a millionaire. He was one of the richest men in America. One of the richest people in the world. But at the end of the day, when your number's up. Those numbers that you have in the bank account aren't going to add up. That's right. So the number when your number's up. That's right. And I can't even believe that Diane Vern's first in. Oh, no, you're kidding me. DVF. And we wonder how Barry's doing with it.

Marilyn Manson is dead. Marilyn Manson, no! This is just in. This is my news. Wait, you're getting this on the newswire? I had a feeling on my way over. Yep.

I can't believe... This is terrible. All the songs that he could have sang, all the goth, dark goth songs that won't be recorded now. I'm an uninformed person and I know he's responsible for Columbine. So I don't... Maybe it's not a loss. It's not the tragedy though. All the survivors of Columbine passed this year. All of them? The teacoats? Yeah.

The T-Code Mafia. Remember when they won that Oscar for that song? The Trench Code Mafia? Oh, yeah, the Trench Code Mafia won for it. The three Trench Code Mafia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrence Allen. Hard Out Here for a Shrimp. It's going to be Hard Out Here for a Shrimp. Or was that the Jib Jab we submitted? That was the Jib Jab. This is what gets me. In all this death, I want to talk about this. Okay. We made a Jib Jab that was, He's Hard Out Here for a Shrimp. For a Shrimp. For a Shrimp. And...

Not even a word. Not even one view? It's crazy. It's crazy how much they ignored us. You guys can view it yourselves and you would rack up at least one or two. I can't watch my own stuff. He's so... I'm so self-conscious. Oh, I get it. I get it. So self-conscious. Yeah. Yeah.

My God, just the terrible losses we've suffered this year. And then this year, for us New Yorkers, and we are real New Yorkers, and we'll be doing a New York signing of the new tuna book, Tuna Head Companion.

And we'd love to meet all you girls, you tuna fans. Come out in your shirt skirts and we'll sign everything. Yeah, I mean, it's the private parts Howard Stern level. That's what we want. That's what we want. So you want women to be showing their breasts? We want mid-90s degradation. Just big stupid boobs and stupid behavior. I want early boob job boobs.

You know, where one looks like a bowl and the other one looks... Yeah, the other one's staring off like one of Cosby's eyes.

What about him? We lost him. That was tough for me because people don't know. Gil Faison is – I took my ex-wife's name. Yes. His married name is Faison. Franny Faison. Franny Faison was my wife's name. What's your real name, actual name? Gil Cosby. Gil Cosby is your name? Yeah. So we were getting letters when all this came – when these innuendos came out and that's what they are.

And that's factual. I'll get to that in a moment in case anyone's interested. I don't know. We would get letters, you know, open house, real estate, and we, you know, that was to Gil Cosby. The U.S. Postal Service. Absolutely. Regular mail, just regular mail. And I love it. Old school brother. You ever see that movie, The Postman?

No. Oh, with Kevin Costner. We lost him this year. We lost Kevin this year. But that's the upside of anger. As I said, it is a memorial that I planned and Gil came to. Right. Amazing. He was a real baby boomer. It's interesting when you watch something like the Oscars or the Emmys when you see all these people and you go, oh, that person died too?

I too, that person, that's what this is like for me because I didn't- And they tell you to hold your applause, but there's really no need because the good ones are at the end and the beginnings is a bunch of people from the 50s that he's behind the scenes jerks. I don't give a rats about. You know, but the upside of all this is that Mickey Rooney died. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. That was a relief. Yeah. Boy, because that was uncomfortable for a while. He was going to hurt somebody. He had a little gun, you know.

He had a little duffel bag with a little gun. Someone was telling me he was on the Conan O'Brien show and he's talking about how five of his ex-wives were murdered. And Conan O'Brien brought that up and he said, oh, yeah, murder. Such a weird thing to say. You know, for even him, we can remember the good times.

Even if he was a pissy little shrimp. That's hard out there. A no-talent, tap-dancing little shrimp. Yeah. It's good for the Inquirer, though, a Mickey Rooney death, because they were running that Michael Landon one into the ground for years. Yeah, boy. The Inquirer has a certain few individuals they feel comfortable reporting on. You're Michael Landon's, you're Mickey Rooney's, you're Dick Clark's. Remember when he grew out that hair because he didn't want to cut it like Samson? Ugh, and that's where all of his power derided.

Michael Landon. And how did he die? Too much hair. Too much hair. That's the thing. Strangled his own brain. Strangled his own brain. That's how Samson died. Popped off, right? Yeah, it's true. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Samson L. Jackson. Is that why Moby is constantly shaving his head, do you think? It absolutely is. And that's why Moby will live forever. Yep.

Do you know that a Moby, if you look at him, we like to call him an Amoby because he looks like an amoeba with those little tadpole eyes. A lot of people don't know Moby is an immortal and it's been alive for thousands of years. He just got popular recently. It's the tea, sister. It's that sweet iced tea he makes. It's the worst thing that he ever did getting popular because now all eyes are on him. He is pretty white hot right now. So he probably wants to turn that knob down. He's very white.

Yeah, he's also white. What a jerk. If I ran into him, I'd whip his CD at him. We're just angry because we saw him down at the Lower East Side when he had a tea shop. And we went in there and we said, where's Mr. T? And then he threw us out. Really? Physically? He said, guys, I don't have time for this. I said, you stooge.

I got cashmere sweaters older than you that I could buy and sell. I had to sell my sweaters. I'm so sorry to hear about that. You seem very cold. You're shaking a little. My hands are big stones from the bottom of the ocean. Real bad circulation. And Judge St. Geiglin is actually going to be telling this story at the Moth, which is just in his closet. It's a bunch of moths. He's just telling it at the Moth. And I tell them a non-written story.

Story. Not a written story with a poorly, you know, hastily finalized ending. You were going to get back to Bill Cosby, you were saying. What's going on with this? Well, you know, it's... It's tough. It's tough stuff. It's tough stuff. Yeah. You know, because we were saying, I guess that just leaves the only other show...

Yeah, who knew that Family Matters would age better? At the time, you look at it and you go, this is the crappy one between the two. And you know why I'm comparing them. What about something like Seventh Heaven, too? The legacy of that is gone. Well, that guy's luckiest day was when the Cosby stuff. Stephen Collins. Stephen Collins, yeah. That was like, he was Gary Condit and Cosby was 9-11. Wiped his schmutz right off the windshield. No one cares about him anymore. No one cares what he did. Who knows what he did?

We could find out, I guess. One might argue that Cosby was doing this, allegedly, with grown-ass women. And, you know, so Stephen Collins is worse, right?

You know that Stephen Collins is not Harper Collins. Oh, sorry. Never mind. Not the book publisher. Not the book publisher. Never mind. Stephen's a friend. I should say that now. Stephen's a friend. Where did you meet Stephen? We had a WB pitch and we kept the parking pass. Okay. So we'd go every day. Right. And we'd lean on this one car. Go to the set.

And he would come out and we'd, you know. Yeah. Any indication back then that he had these proclivities? Of what I was up to? No one knew. No one still knows that I'm the Riverside Park Strangler. What? What? I go jogging. Excuse me. I go jogging. Not hunting. Okay. I thought you misspoke. I misspoke. Yeah, okay. Just now. So, and we're not murderers. No, you guys are not murderers. You want to go on record as saying it. You want to go on record as saying it. I absolutely do. Okay.

Okay. Would you testify to that court of law? They said don't testify. My guy told me not to testify, but I'd love to talk. I'd love to say something to all the people that are gathered about me. He's not a carry. Can you imagine all those people there with my name in the paper? It's tough because we are constantly trying to be in the news. Yeah. Really? What did you do this week?

This week, where have we been? We went to that De Blasio. Oh, with that. I like to call him that De Blincio. Okay. Because he's as good as a blintz. Because he's as good as a blintz foul filled with sour cream and fruit compote.

You're making me hungry right now. My gosh. That's how I feel watching him. But we turn our backs at funerals all the time. Minute to minute, I'm turning my back if something disinterests me. I turn around. Oh, then the eulogy got good again. I turn back around. I've been wondering why you've been turned around most of this interview. Yeah, it's moment to moment if I'm into what someone's saying. If not, I turn my back to them. But we love, you know, the Blinzio is not our guy. Obviously, we're cotchheads.

from the beginning. You guys are interested in politics. Is there anything happening in the politico realm? Well, there's this Jeb Bush. Oh, Jeb Bush. Yeah, you know. Running for president of the United States. I might vote Jeb Jeb. Jeb Jeb Bush. Jeb Jeb Bush. And it's an online parody of the...

C to Shining Sea, very funny. Yeah. And it's just, you know, C. Thomas Howell and, you know, Charles Nelson Reilly. It's close enough. Sure, sure. And they do a song. But, you know. What about Jeb Bush, though? You know, I probably will vote for him because I've always liked the bigger Bush. Okay. And those are the, you know, that's one of the jokes that I'm doing. Oh, wait, this is from the act. This is from the act.

I'm going to be at the improv outside trying to talk to comedians. Okay. In front of that beautiful mural, which I commissioned to work on. You painted that? I absolutely did. Oh, I love the likeness of Leno. Thank you. Freehand. People kept handing me pencils. I said, no tracing.

And you'd think England had just then he got the thickest brush he could so that he would have a lot of trouble with detail. For those of you who haven't been to L.A., go there. You've got to go there. Got to go to the Improv. Go to the Improv in Melrose because there's a portrait. A beautiful mural that makes comics feel good when they show up.

Hey, we're not those monsters. You cannot tell... Feel good about... Anyone portrayed feels horrible how they've been portrayed, and everyone who's not on the wall is furious. And...

And it's great. All the greats are there, plus a dolphin holding a microphone wearing sunglasses. The symbol of laughs. Seems like a dream. You guys are big comedy fans. We are big comedy fans. We love comedy. We lost so many comedians this year. I can't believe it. Terry Bradshaw died in 2014. Oh, the funniest. He was in that movie. Yep.

Leaving home with your parents. Ugh. So good. I thought he was the, he wasn't the dog in Marley and Me? He might have been. He might have been. He might have been. We don't, we'll never know now. That's the point. He died before he could tell us. We lost Kevin Nealon. Oh, no. Yeah. A dear friend of this show. And, you know, to see all those ads on TV now. Oh.

Oh, the Hans and Franz ads? It's too hard. It's too hard. It's too hard, but you know what? He's making us laugh from the grave. Every day. He's making God laugh, too. Wanda Sykes dead. Dead.

God must be laughing so hard right now. All these great- You gotta make God laugh. He's laughing so hard. I killed all these fucking idiots. I'm the world's worst mass murderer. He's probably constantly cackling. Yeah. Because he controls all the things. Did you guys read that Robin Williams, Billy Crystal thing that he wrote about, a little play he wrote about how Robin Williams is putting on his performance up there in heaven?

No. Oh, you got to check it out. Oh, we haven't read a word of Billy's in years. I'd love to. It's something you guys would really be. It sounds really cool, and I really want to read it. You know, there's a certain type of person that's never not cool.

And God. You know who the coolest comedian still is? Who? It's Bill Kristol. Bill Kristol. I mean, this guy. This guy. Turns it on, lights up his screen. Tight little smiles. I like when he tells a joke and then he smiles at the audience like, yeah, I know that was funny. Oh, this is my favorite. Why couldn't it have been 1400 Sundays? Yeah.

Have we said that already? We did a matinee once. We did actually get $1,400 once because we did a matinee of it. Came back in, fake badge. We had investigations. Back to Luong. And we went in. You did three and a half shows? Yeah. We did $1,400. And every show, and I got to say this, Scott, every show was exactly the same. Yeah, was it? And that's the mark of a professional.

When they know what works and what doesn't work. And he got annoyed. It's interesting. With my candy wrappers, the same look each time. Yeah. Which is kind of a could you please. But I love all my little suckers. What do you like? I have hundreds of little suckers in very dense cell effects. I get these seized candies. The small ones. The key is if you get a small one, they last shorter. See?

So you need to eat more of them. You get all these See's lollipops. Do you think candy companies could come out with wrappers that don't make noise when you open them? Like Velcro. Not Velcro because that would make noise. Like Ziploc. It's the wrapper that doesn't make noise. Yeah. That's the show. That's...

The show. I don't know what show you guys. It's a rapper that doesn't make noise. It's a mute hip hop artist. Okay. Like the old man in Arrested Development, Tennessee, that old man that stood in the background. He never spoke because he's doing the candies.

Mm-hmm. Okay, good. We've hit on it. You know what, Joe? I mean, do we want to talk about this or do we want to talk about this? Because this is- We can talk about it, certainly. We're all talking about wrapping candy in toilet paper, right? I think so. Because if we are, I think we- You're in? Well, I want to talk bathroom and not humor. I want to talk about, for the folks out there, people don't know Gil Faison starting another career a little bit. What?

You know, I got a lot of homemade remedies. Okay. You know. Like for ailments? For everything. You know, I've been pastrami-ing my toothpaste. Mm-hmm.

What does that mean? It's a smoked toothpaste. So you spice it and smoke it. You spice it, you smoke it. You cure it. Yeah, exactly. You cure the toothpaste, and then it's got nice little things that get stuck in your teeth. Okay, that seems to be doing the opposite of what toothpaste is meant to do, which is clean your teeth. Exactly. It's Malcolm Glagg. What was his name again?

Malcolm in the Middle. Malcolm in the Middle. And then where's the other one? Who is the political activist who's also a... I think you're thinking of Malcolm X. Malcolm X? Malcolm X was a movie. Malcolm X. So the sequel to Malcolm IX? Yes, which I never saw. I saw Malcolm X. I said, what the hell happened to this guy in I through IX that he's got this much of a chip on his shoulder? Number 14.

Yes. Too much tuna, of course. Too much tuna. Fantastic. Well, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to be counting down 14 and 13 in the next segment. No, sorry, 13 and 12. I misnumbered them on my email, so that's why this is not going right. We're going to be hearing episodes 13 and 12 in the next segment. Did you misnumber them all the way through? No, just in this episode. So I'm going to have a lot of trouble, but when you hear us on Thursday, I'm going to be locked in.

All right, let's go to a break. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, as we come to the end of the year, you know what that means. This is your last week to get your Christmas mattress shopping in. That's right. Spending all day in that holiday traffic trying to get that special Christmas mattress. And then when you get the Christmas mattress, the worst part of it is the gift wrapping it. Oh, man.

And, you know, they have someone there at the mattress store who's going to gift wrap it for you. But still, it takes all day. They're just too giant and too big. Well, guess what? Lisa Mattresses has done away with all of that Christmas hassle. That's right. Lisa is like the Tom's Shoes or Warby Parker for mattresses. They've done away with all of the Christmas hassle.

mattress buying and the gift wrapping. And what they do is they get rid of that mattress showroom experience and they created a luxury mattress that's ordered completely online and ships for free to whatever doorstep you wish it to be shipped to, to which you wish it to be shipped. That's better. And it's not giant. It's compressed into a box the size of a miniature refrigerator. That's right. A mini fridge. Right?

Wow. How does Lisa do it? I don't know. I don't know what the technology is. I don't know what scientists they hired. I would assume it's, you know, they had to steal away the scientists from some major corporation like Apple or something like that. And they said, no, he knows how to shrink mattresses. I don't know how they do it, but they did it for me. They can do it for you.

It's a 10-inch mattress. It comes in all sizes, meaning widths, I would imagine. Is it widths or is it depths? It's probably widths. Heights? No, heights is the 10-inch. Widths is the king, the queen, the California king, the twin, all that kind of stuff. Anyway, it comes in all the sizes. It's crafted with three unique foam layers, including two inches of memory foam. That's foam that remembers.

and remembers who's sleeping on it. So it's like, it's smart technology that if someone, like some Goldilocks lays down in your bed, alarms immediately ring. I would imagine that's what memory foam is.

It has two inches of really cool latex-like foam called Avena that's perforated. No one else thought to stick holes in their mattress until Lisa. But they perforate it to keep you as cool as the other side of the pillow. And Lisa gives you, get this, 100 nights to try your mattress risk-free.

Risk-free. 100 nights. That's almost a third of a year. That's like almost four months there. And for every 10 they sell, they donate one mattress to a shelter. So go to leesa.com slash bangbang. We're talking L-E-E-S-A dot com slash bangbang. Enter promo code bangbang at checkout, and you are going to get an unbelievable $75 off. That is right. $75 off what is already...

an inexpensive yet amazing mattress. And I'll see you in the new year. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. We have Paul F. Tompkins on the ones and twos. I'm only on the twos today. Oh, really? Yes. What happened to the ones? Well, it's a long story. Do you have time? We got nothing but time. Okay. Wait a minute. We have to actually count down our Comedy Bang Bang. Are you sure you don't have time for the story begins? I woke up.

Wait, when? I woke up this morning. Oh, this morning. Okay, I might have time. Because this is relatively early in the morning. If you just recount in real time, by the way, it'll just be about three hours. I woke up this morning. I like to lay in bed for a little bit. Just surf my iPad, see what's going on in the news. Maybe play a little Plants vs. Zombies. Who wins? The zombies win every single time. If they win, we all lose? What is it? Yeah, that's right. If they win, we all lose.

The perfect tagline. If they win, we all lose. Whoever wins. God, what's up with my reference-o-meter today? I may be intentionally getting some wrong, but not that one. It's hard to tell, though, isn't it? It is. It's hard to tell for you, I think, at this point. Am I an idiot at this point where I just can't remember anything?

Are you being willfully ignorant or? I think a lot of times I can't actually come up with it. So I say a thing that it might be. I just blurred out the thing that it might be. Like a placeholder. Knowing it's wrong. Yes. Yes. Someone will rush in with the correct thing. Yes. Someone will help me. Someone will save me.

Anyway, I took a shower and accidentally struck the number one from the numbers. What? There's no more number one. There's no more number one anymore? How are we going to count this down? I don't know. It's going to be anticlimactic. Oh, no. Because we're going to get to two, and then that's going to be it. And it's just going to hard cut out? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. All right. Well, keep listening. Now I want that to happen so badly. I know.

Keep listening. And just put number one online. All right, we do have to get back to our countdown. And let's get to it. This is episode number, your number 13. Number one, three. All right, number 13. And, okay, the last number 14 came from January 12th. Fuck.

Number 13 is coming from January 5th. Not one week before. That's before. It is before. Yes, we're time traveling a little bit. So it can go that way. Yes. They don't have to go in the order in which they were recorded. Okay, that's good to know. Otherwise, that would be very anticlimactic. It would just culminate in last week's and it would be 15 before that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. Okay, good. All right. How would that system work where if one got votes-

And then it was like, well, that gets knocked out because this one comes along. There's a more recent one. There's a more recent one. I mean, if you're interested in that kind of countdown, just listen to them in order. And probably, they're probably good that way. They probably get better and better as they go along, as we get more experience. The 7,000 hours. Is it 7,000? 10,000. 10,000. Oh, I wish it was 7,000. I jumped ahead of some of my peers on that one. I'd love to have 3,000 extra hours. Oh, my gosh. Think of all the Blu-rays I could catch up on.

About 1,500 of them. All right. This is coming to us from January 5. This is episode 327, two before our previous one, and this is Bang Bang Into Your Mouth with Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sands. That's right. By the way, I have a theory about the voting. Yeah.

I think some of these ones with catchy titles are easier to vote for when they, when something takes fire, like bang, bang into your mouth. We sang it over and over during this episode. So that's a moment that people can seize on immediately. And go, oh yeah, I liked that one. I remember that. So too much tuna, people know too much tuna, so they voted for that. Bang, bang into your mouth. I think the more appealing,

The more simple the title is, some of these – we base the episode titles on something that is either done or said in the actual episode. And some of them that are very complicated, sometimes that does not work out. Sometimes it does work out. A complicated title sometimes just strikes people's fancy.

But like a real complex title, like, is y'all my daddy? People are like, I don't remember anything about that. No, I think that's why it was so high up because it's very easy to remember. Oh, yeah, that's the one where Professor Stillwater or J.W. Stillwater finds his daddy. Not high enough. Not high enough. I'm so sorry about that. I think you'll be pleased with this countdown, though. Don't worry about your pretty little head. Don't worry about your pretty little head. I worry about it sometimes.

This is Bang Bang Into Your Mouth, and let me explain what's going on. This is our first episode back after the break, which two weeks from now, you're going to hear our first episode back from this break. So this is our first episode back from the best ofs of last year, and it's been our tradition on the first step of the year, coming back from the break, to have two people on it, and that's Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sanz.

They have done it, I believe, now for three years. This is their third time in a row, the first one back. Ben, I think, had done it one before Horatio, I think. So it was his fourth. And we'll see if it happens for a fifth time when we come back from the break. But these guys have improvised together a lot. Ben is a very ebullient guy.

Am I putting ebullient? Is it ebullient? It is. It shouldn't be. Why not? What's more ebullient sounding? Ebullient or ebullient? It's obnoxious. It's obnoxious. Ebullient. Who wants to say that? I want to. I'm striking from the record. I want to say, oh, I guess we can't talk about it anymore. You get the number one. I get ebullient. I had an English teacher in my senior year of high school who just passed away recently. Oh, I'm so sorry. And he was a great teacher, but he was like a caricature –

like a movie version of a really intelligent, tough teacher, like a John Hausman type of like very- Yeah, like a stand and deliver type. Well, not tough in that way. He did not- Okay, not an Edward James Olmos type? Not that way. He was a little too kindly, I think, Edward James Olmos. Oh, was he? I never saw it. This, yeah, apparently. Like a dangerous mind situation? No. Not a woman? I'm going to say not a woman, did not sit in a chair backwards.

The one thing that Michelle Pfeiffer is known for. He was very pointed and very brusque. A paper chase type situation. Yeah, like John Hodgeman, like I fucking said at first. John Hodgeman.

They get mistaken for each other a lot, don't they? Sure they do. Sure they do. But he one time asked us, his name was Dr. Horn, and he asked us, Dr. Thomas Horn, if memory serves, and he asked us, what is the most beautiful word in the English language? And then we all had to hazard guesses. Right. And he kept telling us, no, wrong. What were some of the guesses? What were some of the guesses? Oh, like kite. Pussy. Kite. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. That's right.

Mr. Horn? Dr. Horn. Dr. Horn, I'm so sorry. Is it pussy? Would you have been kicked out of class for that? You ruined the story for me. Yes, it was a Catholic school. You absolutely would have been kicked out of class for that. So he says no, no, no, no. He says no, and then he eventually says, I will tell you what the most beautiful word in the English language is.

Vermilion. Oh, the color? Yeah. It's not a beautiful color. It's not a beautiful, it's a fine color. It's fine. It's fine. But nothing special. But verm, it has verm in it. It's like vermin. Yeah. Yeah. It's a heartbeat away from vermin. Yeah. Vermicelli, which means like worms. Right. Yeah. Come on. Get out of here, Dr. Horn. Oh, you did. You did. Sorry. You got all the way out of here. Oh, yeah.

Dr. Horn, teachers are our most precious resource, and we thank you for your service in creating Paul F. Tompkins as we know and love him today.

I hope they play that at his funeral. Probably. Or they have a new funeral every year and they play that this year. Why can't you have a funeral for somebody every year? Why do we have to just forget about people? Yeah. I mean, a lot of people say, well, let's have the funeral before you die, you know, like to hear all the nice things, Tom Sawyer style. Well, of course people are going to be nice. Yeah. If you're there. If you know the person standing there, you're not going to be honest about it. You got to fake your own death, Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn style. Or...

If you're going to renew your vows, if you get married, why can't your widow or widower renew your funeral? Yes. Every so often. Renew your funeral. He's still dead. Every like five years. What if you had to renew your funeral in order to make them stay dead? How many people would actually do it? I think it would be half and half. Would you come back to life? Like people would come back to life if you didn't renew your funeral. How would you come back to life? Would it be like, I, zombies.

It would be like, respect my neck. No, if you came, if a person came back to life, if they didn't renew a funeral, I bet half the people... Respect your neck.

Which I believe that joke, by the way, this is getting back to Adrian Brody on SNL. Look it up if you haven't seen it. But you know what? Let me, please do look it up. Please look it up. Please look that up. One of the great joys of my life is watching that occasionally. I see it into my brain. We watch it all the time. But I believe he says, he thinks it's so funny that instead of saying respect, they say respect. Right. That he then goes to my neck.

As a rhyme. Oh, I love it so much. He's banned from SNL forever. You're banned for saying respect. The last thing I want on my live show is unexpected things. You know what, though? I'm on his side on this one. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. It is terrible. Absolutely. But lift the ban on Steven Seagal. Come on, Lord. Lift it on him. He's a great guy. I think, and I truly believe this, I think Adrian Brody should be banned from everything after that.

Like, you know, going to the Oscars, I think people should be like, uh-uh, not today, man. What about those Razor commercials that he did with Andre 3000? Oh, especially those. Don't get me started on those. D-G-M-E.

You pulled it out at the last minute. I really appreciate that. I was touching go. All right. So let's talk about Bang Bang Into Your Mouth. Of course, when Ben Schwartz is on and we have several nicknames for him that he hates, Benny Schwa. I think he pretends to hate. Yeah, that's right. He likes it. But we talk about his show, House of Lies, which I always get it confused with House of Pies.

And people send him pictures of House of Pies continuously on Twitter, which he complains about, but I think he loves it. And so we'll hear a little bit about that. And of course, when Ben and I get together, we love to sing together, as do you and I. That's right. And then Horatio playing a... I think it's a new character, but all of his characters are kind of the same at this point. Kind of. In a way. He confuses them, too. They all have...

At one point, I think he came on as one character and thought it was a different one. So this is a new character, but very similar to other ones. Uncle Stoney. Uncle Stoney, a druggie from the 60s, I believe. He drops by to talk about his life. So we'll hear a little bit of just me and Ben, and then we'll do a time jump to when Uncle Stoney comes on. So here we are. This is your number 14. Number 13.

We have two great guests. It is tradition to have these guys on in the first episode of the year, and I believe it's been a tradition to have Ben on in the first episode of the year for now three, four years? At least, by the way, at least. Oh yeah, every year I've done House of Lies. House of Lies, which premieres this Sunday on Showtime, its final season.

It's not its final season. They're wrapping it up. And by the way, you said the name right. What did you say the name was? You said the name. I never said the name. We don't even have to talk about it then. So House of Lies, 10 p.m. I think we're probably up against the Golden Globes. 10 p.m. Showtime, PytownMD. By the way, you got the network right, which means that you probably think I'm on HBO. Wait, you're not on HBO? No, I am on Showtime. Oh, okay. You got the network right for the first time ever. Who was in this show? You have Terrence Howard from Iron Man. No, that's Don Cheadle. Okay.

Keep going. Let's see the other two. You have Dax Shepard. You have his wife, Kristen Bell. His wife. His wife. And then you have a bunch of no-names. And you. Me and Josh Lawson. Josh Lawson. A bunch of no-names. That's so mean. Did you say Coleslaw? No. Who did you say? Who's on this show? Josh Lawson. Oh, okay. That's weird. Benny Schwartz. Hey, comedy bang, bang into your mouth. Comedy bang, bang into your mouth.

Do you guys know that song? That's a real song. Bang, bang into your mouth. You know you want to. Everybody wants to listen to Sky.

Everybody wants to... Into your fucking mouth. Bang, bang. Into your mouth. I got it. You know what? We can harmonize in it. When we do a changeover from Reggie to whoever the new person will be, I got to have him record exactly that. That'll be the new... Can I ask you a Reggie question or not on the air? Ask me on the air and I'll answer off the air. Is that true? I don't know. What are you going to ask? So I just heard that he's going to be the music guy for the Late Late Show. Yes, the later, later, later. So does that mean that he can't do comedy bang, bang into your mouth? He...

He's going to comedy bang, bang into your mouth. You know you want to. Everybody wants to listen to Scott. Everybody wants to. Aw. Bang, bang into your mouth. You got to bang, bang into your mouth. Everybody wants to listen to Scott. Okay. This is interminable at this point.

And that comes out on Sunday. The final episodes, you're wrapping up all of the threads, all of the plot threads. No, no, no. But I will say this. This is a, if you watch the show, if you don't watch the show, give this season a shot. Nope. Don't say, nope. We won't. You haven't got a hay penny. This is a very big season for me. My character gets to do a lot of dramatic stuff, which is really cool. Give us some of your dramatic acting. Okay. Give me a scenario. Okay. So you're there at House of Pies and they're all at a pie.

Okay, House of Lies and maybe where the consult goes poorly. They're all out of lies then? Okay, sure. This is what it is. What do you want, honey? Welcome to House of Pies. No. Can I stop? Can I stop? Excuse me. You're on break. Go ahead and take your break. Okay, honey. Thank you, honey. Okay, I'm taking over. Hey, what do you want? A rutabaga pie? You want a Boston green pie? Cut. What kind of pie do you want? Cut. Cut.

What kind of pie do you want? I'll find rutabaga. Can I have a rutabaga? You what? You big hunk of man. Okay. You big hunk and big dicked monster, you. Showtime. Brace yourself. You big dicked monster. Why don't you just jump over this counter and take me from behind, you big dicked monster. I'm not saying anything. I'm not even saying anything. Take us both. Here, have a refill on your coffee. I'm fine. Can I say some lines? We're all out of pies. What am I supposed to order? You sausage-filled maniac.

You sausage filled maniac. Oh, I want you. Oh, God. All right. I'll have a rutabaga pie. We're out, I told you. So what do you have? What, are your ears not working in addition to the opposite of your dick not working? End scene. So you'll see stuff like that. The craziest thing I did when I was high? Yeah, like the highest you ever got. What'd you do?

I put my bird in the freezer. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Was he already dead? No, he froze to death. Oh, dude, I'm sorry. I'm not happy about it, man. Do you want to put some tissues in your mouth? Yeah. What kind of bird did you have? I had a cockatiel.

A cockatiel? Yeah. Oh, cockatiel. He died? I used to say he had a cock-til-days. You know, like a long little bird dick. He had a cock-til-days? Yeah. What do you mean, four days? Cock-fa-days. Did you also admit that that didn't make sense? I did. I didn't like it at first, but then someone said, I think if you put four in there, it'll make it better, and I did. Did you? But I thought, yeah, I...

I put the birdcage in the freezer. Wait, you put the whole cage in the freezer? I thought it was my frozen... It was a hot day. You thought you would air condition the cage, I'm sure. And I wanted to put away my frozen White Castle burgers that I buy at 7-Eleven. I have a question. I don't know if this is you. There was a stony in the paper that he froze a series of different animals by mistake. Was that you? Oh, I read this paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the Sacramento Bee. The Sacramento Bee. B-E-A. Yeah. Is that you? Different from the real Sacramento Bee. Yeah, totally different. The

BAE? Yeah. The bae. Beyonce's paper? Come get it, bae. Come get it, bae. Beyonce spelled a totally different way, but her paper is spelled B-E-A. Beyonce. Beyonce. It all makes sense. It all tracks. Can you think of one Beyonce song right now? Go. Yeah. You got...

Put it on the corner. Put all my stuff on the corner. Nope. Nope. I have one. Go. What do you got? God, so did you sing? For the single ladies, for the single ladies. Oh, keep going. For the single ladies, for the single ladies. Oh, nice. Keep going. Do-de-do-do-do-do-de-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. So I put my bird in the freezer. Wait, so you were trying to freeze your White Castle burgers. Yeah, and I got so dabbed up that I thought my burgers were the bird and the bird were the burgers. Yeah. Oh.

So the bird was in the freezer and the entire cage, and then you hung up, what, like a shopping bag of White Castle frozen burgers where the bird was? Yeah, and I was talking to it and hanging out and feeding this bag of burgers. And what's even weirder is that, like, at midnight, I woke up, and I'm like, oh, man, I want to have some burgers. So I went and got the bird and ate it. Oh, no. Bones and all? Oh, yeah. I mean, I was high. We cut off our nose at the perfect time. Yeah.

You were super high. Can you give us another way to say, oh, no, I want to see if we do it again? Say something else that's terrible. Say something terrible, yeah. Okay. I lost half my foot on a train track in Arlington Heights, Illinois. Oh, no!

Oh, shit. True story. True story, man. And I have a wooden toe. I have a wooden toe, and it's like a little dugout. I keep weed in there. Oh, wow. Cool. My toe splits open, and inside I have the weed, and you can smoke it from the toe. Oh, wow. Cool, man. That's actually pretty cool. Yeah. That's the coolest thing maybe. We don't need our toes. Do we really need our toes for anything? I don't think so. As far as I know, nothing's different for you, not having a toe, right? Well, I can no longer long jump.

I used to long jump for a while. Oh, I didn't know that. And it turns out you really need your toes to just spring up, you know? Oh, wow. I had no idea. I didn't think about that. So I'm no longer eligible to represent the United States in the Olympics. Sorry to say, you're an Olympian.

Uh-huh. Yeah, man, a lot of us do smoke weed and stuff. Yeah, someone just did. What's his name? Michael Phelps got a DUI or whatever. I mean, that's different than smoking a bowl, I would imagine. No, because when you smoke bowls and drive around L.A., it's cool. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. It doesn't affect you the same way. Yeah, when you smoke, like when you're high, you can drive, right? It's not like being drunk.

You drive better because you're like, whoa, whoa, freaked out. That's how I feel is like when you're drunk and you're driving, it's like you're like, oh, you drive better because you're like, I don't want to be stopped by the cops. I'm going to be extra careful. Let's not say these things on the podcast. There's a lot of young listeners. I get a lot of young people coming up saying they heard the CBB. But it's true, though. When I used to drink, I would see four lanes of traffic.

You'd be like, hey. I would just close one of my eyes. There you go. And drive that way. It really worked out well. Yeah. You used to be an Olympian. You used to fly helicopters, you told me, in the lobby? Yeah. Wow. That's insane. In Black Hawk Down. Wait, in the movie Black Hawk Down? Yeah, I crashed it down. Oh, that was your job or you by mistake did it? No, well, they thought we got shot down. But in actuality, I was trying to reach my, I was trying to get my bowl and Black Hawk went down. Oh. Wow.

Bang, bang into your mouth! Now, you were telling me, Uncle Stoney, though, you have a brand new project that you're really excited about. I cannot wait to hear about it. You know, and it drops tomorrow, so I really want to hear about this. Oh, yeah. You're talking about...

You're talking about Laser Food of the Gods. Laser Food of the Gods. What is that? I never heard of it. Well, we're going to watch this 1974 film, Food of the Gods, where it's H.G. Wells, you know, where he turns animals... Wait, H.G. Wells the writer? H.G. Wells wrote a movie. Or H.G. Wells the moving company. He wrote the book, and then he made it a movie with...

And then rats, they eat this stuff and they get big. Okay. And everything gets big. So it's like chicken eats this stuff and it's like, ah! It's like in the second floor window looking in at a girl changing her top. We got it. And then we have laser lights in tune with the language and the dialogue. But not the background music. No. No.

No, just the dialogue. And most of the animals, when they get big, they just look through apartments and naked women changing. Who knew that that's what animals wanted to do so badly? Yeah, what they did was they used, they put rats, like regular rats on top of like a Barbie house. Oh.

They'd save money that way. Oh, so they didn't actually grow the rats because that would have been too expensive. I don't want to ruin it for you, but yeah. They didn't. No. Well, it's coming out tomorrow. So that comes out tomorrow? Where can people see this? In every one of the major cities in the U.S., you were telling me. Yes. Yeah. Dayton, Ohio. You sing. Is there a favorite song? Tucson, Arizona. Do you have a favorite song to sing? Eugene, Oregon. Oh, wow. All those places. Yeah. Yeah. The biggest towns. Those three. Wow.

Arizona? Zizx, California. Zizx, California. Wow. I love that town. Z-Z-Y-X-X. Meet you at Z-Z-Y. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. But, you know, more than the laser food of the gods, you were telling me you have something really excited. You're really excited about it. Funnier than that. Even better, that's coming out on Wednesday. Yeah. Weed-infused tampons. Oh. Weed-infused tampons. This isn't a bad idea. Yeah. Okay. So you give it a nice heavy indica.

And it sucks into the woman's body through their mucous membranes. Oh, wow. That would go so quick because there's so much blood in. Very quick. And so when they're suffering the trauma of their period...

They put in one of these tampons. Uncle Stoney's SNL tampons. Why is it SNL? I just think that's a funny show. I like those guys. Oh, we were just talking about it. Yeah. The package is going to have all the guys from Debbie Downer in it. Oh, wow. Breaking. So, yeah, I know they're not wearing distinguishable costumes normally. They're just like people in suits and dresses. But you'll know who they are. You'll know. You'll know by the way they're sitting. Okay, great. Around a table? Around a table.

Sitting around a table. Breaking. And the one looks very much like Lindsay Lohan. Oh, okay. So it's pretty cool. And these tampons, they come 46 in the box. 46? What a weird number. And you're supposed to put in one every minute. What? One every minute? You put one in every minute. And then you take out one every minute, I hope? For 46 minutes.

No, are you supposed to have – This is just like the guy who can fit all the cigarettes in his mouth. He's supposed to have a line of 46 tampons going from your vaginal passage all the way up to your throat. Yeah, and we guarantee that you will no longer suffer any of the pain or the discomfort of a period after 46 minutes. Wow, my gosh. Yeah. How much does it cost? Surely it's expensive. No. Oh, how much?

$16 a tampon? Wait, so 46 of them, though. I mean, that's a lot of money. You're talking about $700. $400. Yeah, about $800 a box. Well, listen, you guys. I don't know what a period feels like, and I don't want to pretend to know, but I guess it's not good. If you could switch places with a woman. Which woman? A, which woman, but B, would you?

I would. Wow. Which one? Which woman, Stoney? Joy Behar. Joy, but why Joy? Because she has a great sense of humor. She's funny. She gets it. Yep. She gets it. Uh-huh. She does get it. Um,

She has her own show now? Is that the only reason? Just she has a good sense of humor and she gets it? That would mean what else? I mean, she's great. That's true. When you find someone to love, that's what you're looking for, right? I think I would, if I could change places with anyone, I would change places with someone really good looking because that way I could see what that was like. No, no, she is good looking though. Yeah, we weren't trying to shit on her. No, no. But she's, you know what I mean? Like maybe a young, hot model or something so I could be like. Like who? But then if you're that girl, would you be into yourself?

Maybe. I don't know. Do I have the same brain? That's my question. That's the thing. Do you have the same brain when you switch bodies with someone? Because I think you should switch... Well, let's call. I know a doctor. I'll put him on speakerphone. Okay, here we go. I know a doctor knows the answer. Beep, boop, beep, beep, boop. Oh, hello, Dr. Conwell. Hey, Conwell. It didn't even ring. Hi, Dr. Conwell. No, he knows. He's a scientist. Wow, you're just sitting there right by the phone. Hello? Hey, it's Ben.

Oh, hello, Benjamin. How are you? I got my friend Scott here. How is House of Skies going? House of Lies. It's doing very well. Sunday's at 11. 10. Sunday's at 10. Let me hear that again. Is this about a shop that sells prints of skies? I called you, man. No, House of Lies is about management consultants. Ooh, I'm going to watch. I'm going to tell Martha to put that on the DVD. Demetri Martin's on this. You had three years of chances to watch. Mary McCormick is on it. I'm going to have Mary put that on the DVD. How is Mary, by the way?

Oh, she's wonderful. We have a question. Yeah, hi. Scott, by the way. Hello, Scott. You ever watch Comedy Bang Man TV show? I do not. Oh, well, sorry. Reggie's leaving. But I listen to the podcast every week. Oh, so you do know me. I do know you, yes. Oh, wow. So this is a big moment for you. It's a weird way to say you do know me. I'm a big fan of the show. Oh, cool. You ever listen to Solo Bolo? Nope. But I heard that there was a character on there the other day. What?

A clump tissue Carl. No, no, no. A boy who ejaculates out of his mouth and constantly has to put tissues in. No? No, definitely not. Well, how may I help you, Ben? So you didn't listen to Solo Bolo because that would be like a violation of Dr. Klein privilege. Oh, yeah. Well, that's right. All of his business is his business. Thank you, buddy. And I put it in a computer and it's very safe, Ben. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. No paper files of this. Thank you, dude. My question— You need more—

Yes.

What are these noises lately? It's track 15. Oh, track 15 is here. Well, that's all we wanted to know. See you later. Take care, dude. Take care. All right. Merry holidays. You're Jewish, right? Too late. Too late. Too late. It's already January, you piece of shit. I want to bang, bang into your mouth. Number one, three. Oh, yes. Well...

So good. So, so good. So good. A little bang, bang into your mouth. You know you want to. Bang, bang. All right. You've had enough of that listening to the clips. All right. Let's get to, let's, did I say it was number 14 last time? Because it was number 13. See, this is already catching up on me. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, man. We're going down to what? 11 on this one? We're going down to 11. We're up to 11. We're halfway there. Halfway home. All right. Let's get to number 12. Number one, two. All right. This is your number 12. We're jumping ahead in time a little bit to May 18, episode 351. From January to May? That's right. Whoa.

We were breaking off another half hundo, episode 351. You're counting half hundos now? Yeah, I certainly am. Interesting. Okay. All right. I believe on the half hundo we had Andy Richter and Andy Daly together. I feel like it lessens the impact of the hundo if you're counting the half hundos. You're right. I'm so sorry. I will not do that any longer. Wow. I'm very pleased with the result. Take a little sip of water. All right. Here we go. This is an episode called CBB the Movie. CBB the Movie.

CBB the movie with Hayes Davenport. Oh. Sean Clements. Now, it's funny about the titles because- Your eyes glazed over. I didn't remember it by the title. They rolled into the back of your head and you dropped to the ground. My mouth is foaming?

I had a little tiny seizure. Now, if we had come up with some sort of interesting catchphrase in that, that it had been titled, maybe people would know what it was. But this episode was so popular, it transcended the somewhat generic title of CBB the movie. Right. This is an episode starring the guys from Hollywood Handbook, which is a very funny podcast. One of my favorite shows. So funny. Now, I first met them. I just heard they were UCB guys. They wanted...

Yes. Oh, they're terrible in conversation. No.

Not funny. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that. I'm saying it. They're the worst. I have great conversations with them. Really? Yeah, I do. Oh, no thank you. But I didn't get a sense of what their sense of humor was. I was just like, oh, I hear they're funny and they want to do a reality show. Let's do it. They stopped doing that show and they started doing this show, which has become just one of the more interesting shows on the Earwolf Network. Just a wildly funny show that has rabid fans.

And I knew I wanted to have them on the show because their show wasn't getting the love that it sort of needed to get. It was one of the tinier shows on the network, and everyone was talking about how it was the most fun show and so funny. Interesting you say not the love that it deserved but the love it needed to get. Interesting business perspective. Well, it's not a – I mean needed to get in the sense of like – To continue. No, it deserves it.

Another way to phrase it deserves that love. It's on the bubble. You're saying it's on the bubble. No, we're not canceling it. And in fact, we don't need to anymore because it's doing great. Good. So what happened? You're welcome. I don't know what you did, but okay, great.

I started having Hayes and Sean on to read ads with me because I was... Oh, so fun. I would be... For some reason, I would be either recording on a Saturday. They record their show on Saturdays. I would be recording on Saturday or I would come in and have to do ads and they were always around. I was like, guys, come in and do these ads with me. And these ads turned into like sometimes like 10-minute long ads. They're so long. Yeah.

They're really long. So long. But they were so funny. And I feel like if you're an advertiser, you're getting 10 minutes. Of course. You know, so they were doing these ads with me and I was putting them into several episodes trying to prime the pump for like, okay, now you know these guys' rhythms. Yes. So when they're on the episode. Rhythms. You know their rhythms. Their rhythms. Hear them now. Their rhythms. Yeah.

Now that they're on the show, you kind of like know what they do and you're ready for it. And that's kind of what happened here. I finally had them on the real show. We kept saying their advertisements were an audition to be on Comedy Bang Bang if they were funny enough. And of course, they were way funnier than me on it. And so this episode has a lot of fans. I mean, no, Scott, of course you're hilarious.

For the listeners, Scott was staring at me pointedly. Yeah. With eyes just boring into his skull. That's exactly what I was doing. I may also have been looking at my notes here. And he kicked me out of the table. That's true. And I'll do it over the table if you don't straighten up.

So they have a lot of fans, a lot of rabid fans, and they all voted for this. And some of their people who, you know, this is just a really great episode. So what they do on – I asked them what they wanted to do on Comedy Bang Bang that was sort of inspired by their show. And a lot of times on their show, on Hollywood Handbook –

They do these improvised film scripts on their show. They say they're reading a film script that they wrote, and then basically they just improvise it there on the spot. So that's what this is. They said that they wanted to, quote, read, unquote –

a script that they wrote about the Earwolf Studios. So this is us just improvising a movie script on the spot. They brought in a couple of really funny improvisers, Ben Rogers and Haley Huntley. They're both in this as well. So this is what we're going to hear. This is your number 12 on the countdown. Number one, two.

So you've made a comedy bang bang movie script? We made the comedy bang bang movie script, Scott. The one. And what started as sort of a fun project I think has become a very real money making possibility for everyone in this room. Yes. And we should introduce the other people in this room who are sort of part of our management team.

Yes. Funny Comedy Managers. Funny Comedy Managers, obviously, part of Wolf Cool Productions, which is our sort of internal... Oh, you guys have your own shingle from Wolf Pop and Earwolf? Yes, we do Wolf Cool, and that is a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes, which we just think is so good. I don't know it, but I've seen the back of pickup trucks, so I'm aware of it. Him peeing on Steelers. Yeah. Those...

It's not. Those are actually illegal. Those are unauthorized. Sorry, but Bill Watterson doesn't care. Okay, if that's true. It's very true. He's a notorious recluse. Who's Bill Watterson? Big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. Yes. Was that his dad? No. Okay, next time you're reading Calvin and Hobbes. You think of Susie Durkin's? No, no, no. Next time you're reading it, look up slightly to the right. Okay, that's Pogo. No, no, no. You've gone too far.

Okay, hang on. I just want to read Pogo real fast. Okay, go ahead. We'll wait. I did not like that. Yeah. I could have warned you. It was sad. Look a little bit down from Pogo, in between Calvin and Hobbes and Pogo, in the blank space. Okay. You see some letters. Where Mallard Fillmore used to be before he was banned. You see some letters there? Yes, I see the letters. Not the ones that say Calvin and Hobbes, but look to the right of those. Foxtrot.

No, you've gone too far again. Okay. You need to go back to the left. Now I'm reading the news. Okay, you know what? This may be a hopeless case. Anyway, what do you guys have? You have a script? You have a full-length feature script? We have a script, and to help us read it, we have a couple of... Our company players, sort of our actors. We have...

Bang Rajman is here. Professional actor Bang Rajman, a.k.a. Ben Rogers, a.k.a. Rad. Thanks so much for giving me this opportunity to perform. You helped us out with the live show that we did. You read an ad for us that we got in trouble for. Got arrested, yes. So we're not allowed to do that again. Bang Rogers. Bang Rogers. That's right, yeah. Okay, welcome to the show, Bang. Hey, thanks for having me. I'm very excited. Okay, I was going to say...

Are you excited to be, but you are excited. He covered it. I'm excited. I'm here. And thank you. Okay. And you can introduce, because I don't want to. It's weird for Hayes to introduce his own daughter, but Hayes' daughter is here from spring break and she's spending some time with him, which is so nice. It's Haley. Haley. Who, what's your stage name?

Hallie. Hallie. Hallie. Your stage name's Hallie Huntley, but your real name is Hallie Davenport. People say Hallie like, sounds like Hayes. Did she take Davenport or did she take Brooke's last name? She took Brooke's last name. Okay, so it's Hallie Shields. Hallie Shields, yes. Oh, okay. Now when you say it's weird for you to introduce your own daughter, have you never introduced your daughter to anyone before?

She's supposed to introduce me. Oh. It's cute. Can you imagine how cute, you know, not anymore. She's a little old for it now. How old of a daughter are you? I'm 20. And so when she's like a cute little kid, like she walks in front of me and says, oh, I'd like you to meet my, this is my dad. You know, and you had that speech impediment implant that made you so cute. Mm-hmm.

And now you don't have it anymore. I don't. I talk just like everybody else now. So let's get to this script. What is happening with this? Well, hopefully it's being made. Well, let's just read it. Let's pass out the... Let's just launch into it. Everybody get your copies and read it. All right. And you've divvied up parts, I assume? Well, you're going to play... I'm going to play... Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Very good. And...

Yes, we've divvied up the other parts. Okay, here we go. It'll all make sense in due time. Okay, and I'll just read the lines as they are written. As they're written. Yes, exactly. Like you would do it. Okay, but put my spin on it. But read them as written. Well, we're going to be doing notes after the scene, so we'll see what happens. Okay, great. So, interior, the Earwolf big studio.

Lights up on a bustling studio space. People running by with papers and talking on the phone. It's a bustling bustle, but everybody's having a good time. The new intern, Trapson, enters with a confused look. I hope I'm in the right spot. I rode my bike here.

He's approached by a young but have-a-job producer who is cute but hot, Nancy. Oh, you're in the right place. Trust me, it always feels weird at first. The vibe between them is immediate. They look in each other's eyes...

And have a sensation of knowing each other forever. Why did he write uh in the middle of that sentence? It's very weird. It's got to feel natural, conversational. Yeah, but in the stage directions? No, no, no. That's the best place to put stuff like that. Okay, this is like if Mamet wrote stage directions. Is that your real eye color? Yeah, they're purple. I know, it's unusual, but...

I got it from my mom. Thanks for noticing. Most people don't. You look like you like jazz. The music or the dance? Both. Well, you nailed me. You guys, you gotta get in here for the big pitch meeting. Already? Everyone rushes in to Scott's office. It's got a lot of animal heads on the wall. They look like they were really happy before they were, you know. Scott is sitting at the front of the room.

He's got a look on his face like he just ate something that was by accident. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Did I say all those words right, by the way? Yes, yes, that's exactly right. It was all phonetic, so I really wondered, but that was perfect. Yes, that was good. Okay, thanks. Mr. Skop, it's me, Engineer Cody. Remember you promised if I had a real great idea, you'd let me have a podcast? Ah.

Engineer Cody, eh? Not ringing any bells. I'm one of the engineers. I'm the one who's a fucking problem. Oh, yes. I've read about you on the message boards. That's right. Anyway, I think I did have a good idea, but I forgot it. Engineer Cody sits on the floor and begins trying to eat his own butt. Hmm.

Well, Engineer Cody, maybe we can jog this memory out of you. Trying is actually a bad word. He's doing it very successfully. I never noticed how long your tongue is before. That's incredible. To reach all the way back there without the usage of a spoon. To me, that's just normal tongue stuff, man. Sure. Well, we all have our weird idiosynchronicities. Hey, don't have a cow, dude. All right, all right, all right. No need to quote classic TV lines to me.

Hi, Karumba. Okay, well, you're still in the realm of The Simpsons. You could move on to other shows, like Night Court. Sorry I'm late for the meeting. This is my first day as an intern. My goodness, look at your eyes. Yeah, they're purple. Hey, thanks for noticing. Hey, do you like jazz? The music or the dance? The vibe between them is immediate. The person!

Yeah, I love jazz. The person, of course. Yeah, the DJ. Yeah. Trap's and immediately forgets about the person that he met earlier. Doesn't even remember her name. Much like the narrator. Hey, I love your eyes, man. Who are you talking to, Cody? I just saw this new intern come in. I love your eyes. They're the same color as the jerseys for the Utah Jazz. Oh, yeah, that's my favorite basketball team. That's crazy.

The vibe between Cody and his own bud is immediate. I just got to finish something up in here. Something called a bell pepper. Cody, I wish you would do that in the other room. Put it in here about a month ago to pickle.

Man, these animals look like they were happy once. Yeah, they were. They really, really were. So you guys ready for the big pitch meeting? Everyone gathers around for the big pitch meeting. They're all excited to see who Scott is going to pick for the first pitch. All right. Gosh. Who should I pick for the pitch? Well, on the one hand, I like your eyes. On the other hand, you're a woman. Hmm. Hmm.

This is a tough choice. Eyes woman, eyes woman. He's looking at the wrong people as he says these things. Wait a minute, I'm just looking at Cody. Can't blame ya. Cowabunga. Tell you what, whoever speaks first can have the first pitch. Here's that food somebody ordered. Sorry, somebody ordered some Thai food?

A very Americanized Thai man enters the room. Yeah, I've noticed that you have some sort of gruff New York accent for a Thai person. Oh, yeah. I'm from Thailand. But, you know, I learned English. You learned to speak by watching repeats of NYPD Blue? That's right. Yeah. I watched a lot of NYPD Blue, Sipwitz and whatnot. Yep. Boy, remember that episode when he had to show his butt? Oh, do I? Yeah.

That's my screensaver. Wait, what are you saving your screen from? So it doesn't freeze and stuff. Oh, okay. Do you want to be, I don't know if this is weird to say, but best friends? Yeah. I kind of feel like the vibe between you and I is immediate. I do too. Do you like jazz? Okay, are we talking the type of music, the dance, the basketball team, or the person?

Oh, I'm talking about the dog. Oh, the dog! I forgot about him. Yeah. No. Oh, you don't? All right. Well, here's the food. Wait a minute. There's no dog in this food, is there?

I better move my car. Just a word on improvisation. The stuff about Asian people eating dogs that you improvised there. Look, that's the one thing that I really wanted to do. Not really our movie. Okay, I'm sorry, but I had to put my own spin on it for one line at least. That is definitely a movie. You really threw me for a loop there. It's a movie though.

So you have to admit that. Yes. It's content. I just want to say that at my school, Temecula College for the Arts, we do a sort of different kind of improv where really like it's anything goes. Oh, I'd love to do some of that. That's not really... When you say that to him...

He gets into stuff about the stuff that different races eat, you know? I mean, that's kind of... I'm excited about this. I mean, what could Italian people eat, you know? Oh, gosh. I... Shudder to think what you think they eat. I mean, probably salads with, like, a layer of dressing underneath a plate.

What a nasty stereotype. While we're out, I didn't realize I was going to be reading some of these lines with your daughter. I feel like the relationship's a little inappropriate, and it gets...

Extremely sexually explicit. Do we want to jump to that scene? I was going to say we should probably. Let's jump to that scene now. Do we want to hear some of that scene? Go to that scene. What page is that? This is page 77? Yeah. Yes. This is the first act break. Yes. This is a long script, by the way. It's 326 pages. And we have not finished it, finished it. But we're close. Okay. Let's cut to page 77 here. Yeah. You said this scene was appropriate because it was my daughter. I said it was inappropriate. I said I didn't.

Let's judge that for ourselves once we hear it. Okay. I'm saying don't worry about it. Okay. Yes, don't worry about it. All right, here we go. And action? Is that what the director said? Interior bedroom. Nancy walks into the bedroom taking all her curves with her. Trabzon looks her up and down. Sorry the power's out. Well, looks like you got enough candles to get us by. I've got enough candles, but it's still not warm enough. Maybe we can turn up the heat.

Let me ask my roommate if she'll leave. No. Tell her to stick around. I'd really be more comfortable leaving. Do this for me. Okay. I'd do, like, all your forks. Hey, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. These guys are being squares. They want us to leave. Let's go watch some NYPD Blue reruns. What do you say? Why do I love you so much? You're such a fucking dunce. Well...

I got kicked in the head by a mule. Yeah, I know it. I love you for it. You always were hanging around mules, and that's what I like in a woman. The very Americanized Ethiopian man who was speaking takes his girlfriend out of the room, and it's time for Trapston and my daughter to do it. My daughter disrobes. Oh, you look beautiful.

It looks like no man's ever touched you before. The two of them hit each other like the crash test dummy car on a brick wall. I want you to call me dad. I can't call you that. She does it. Dad. Listen, sometimes back at the studio, I feel like no one listens to me. I feel like I'm the producer. I'm the head of everything, but I'll sit quiet for an entire pitch meeting, you know?

I'll just play with my phone and pretend like I've got something to do. Here, take off my bra. But I don't. I'm just scared to talk. Oh, God, your body feels so good. Thank you. You should be more confident and speak up for yourself. Call me Hayes. Nope. She does it. Hayes. Dad Hayes. Number one, two. All right, number 12. You know...

That was a funny episode. Yeah. I laughed a lot during it. Yeah, LOL. I did. I laughed out loud. I actually did laugh out loud a number of times. I remember I listened to this in the car on a – I was working somewhere and I had an hour. Working somewhere? I don't know. What – I really am curious as to –

How in your brain that became... Did it though? Approximate amount of syllables. I was working somewhere. Working somewhere. No. Had kind of deridem. Had deridem on. It didn't.

I think there's something wrong with your brain. It had deridum. It had deridum. Speaking of deridum, we'll get to that story about you driving around in a car by yourself. No, I listened to my – it was like some miserable drive that I had to make early in the morning, and it was a long drive, and I listened to that the whole way. Hmm.

And it turned my day around. Oh, that's so nice to hear. And that's why we do this show, I think, is to turn people's day. And that's why people do comedy in general, I think, you know, to turn those frowns upside down. That's really why I got into the business is the frown upside down biz. Oh, I'm trying to fill a hole inside me. Oh, okay. Really? It'll never get filled. Oh, it never will. It'll never get filled. What was that caused by? Oh, let's see. Teachers like Dr. Horn? Dr. Horn, tough but fair. Vermillion. Vermillion.

I'm not backing him on that one. Botulism. The most beautiful word. Syphilis. HIV positive. Syphilis is actually a pretty word. It is. You know what else is? Chlamydia. Chlamydia. Chlamydia. Chlamydia. I'm never getting rid of you. My darling chlamydia. We have to go to it. Speaking of darling chlamydia, we need to go to a break. Let's go to a break. A chlamydia break. When we come back, we will have your number 11. And chlamydia. Chlamydia.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Scott Aukerman here with Paul F. Tompkins, and we're just blazing through it. Blazing through. Although it doesn't feel like... Are you going to do that every single thing I say? How have we established... I just want to nip it in the bud before you get started. You know me too well. Yeah, because you're going to run this into the ground. Oh, I'm going to run it into the ground. I'm going to run it into the ground. Who's this guy? I don't know.

I don't know where he came from. I'm going to run this over. I'm going to run right into the ground. New character. No. That will destroy my throat. Oh, my God. I mean, Jarl's already. Jarl's is actually easier to do. By the way, was Classic Jarl's, its inception, it was this year, right? Yeah. We're not hearing any Classic Jarl's clips on the countdown, I'm afraid to say, even though he has appeared in some of our top 14 episodes. We're just not hearing those clips. Are there no...

B-b-b-b-bonus? We're not doing any... We will have... In a few episodes down the line, we're going to have something. But we're not doing bonus. This took up so much of my time. What? Not doing what? Bonus? B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bonus? Okay. Um...

This is the last episode whose clip we're going to play in this episode of our best ofs. This is your number 11. Number 11. Number 11. Number 11. Now, this comes from, again, we're going all the way back to very early in the calendar year. This is February 16th. Back to February. This is right around Valentine's Day. What episode do you think this is? So romantic. This is episode 335. 335. This is probably...

the St. Valentine's Day massacre comedy style. No. No? Of course, this is our special Valentine's Day episode. This is the wedding of Gilly and Gary. So I was pretty close. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

This was, of course, our beloved PFT here. That's right. Was in this episode as well as Gillian Jacobs and musician Colin Hay. That's right. Dropped by and participated. This was a very fun episode for me. I love playing with Gillian. She's hilarious. And she's so much fun. People would know her from Communite. Communite and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. And The Upcoming Love. That's right. On Netflix. On Netflix. On Netflix.

with Paul Rust. That's right. Rusty. We'll be talking about that in the new year. Can I tell you a quick story about Paul Rust? Please do. Yes. My wife, Janie, and

Cynthia. Cynthia had a party at her home and Janie was there and so was Paul's wife-to-be, Leslie. He was getting married soon. It was very soon. And Leslie said to Janie and Cynthia, oh, you guys should come to our wedding. And then we were not invited to the wedding. She's like, you should just come. Just

Just come by. Just drop in. Well, no, we don't want to like, you know, whatever, crash your wedding and, you know, whatever. We know like, because everybody had been married. It's like, we know that that's. She was having a good time with you at this party and was like, yeah. I wasn't there. I was not there. This is just Janie. This is just Janie. JJ. JJ Abrams. J. Jonah Janie.

My wife. So Leslie's saying, no, please come. It would make me so happy if I looked up and I saw you guys there. Please just come to the wedding. And so Janie tells me this, like, we're going to go. And I'm like, are you sure about this? Yes, and I really –

I said, was she drunk when she said this? Like, no, she doesn't drink. She was totally sober. She was very insistent. Like, you guys should come to the wedding. I'm like, I don't know about this. And so it's like a month later and the wedding is happening. And so they're very excited. Janie and Cynthia and Cynthia's husband, Mike, like, let's do this. We're going to crash this wedding. Like, okay.

Okay, guys. Okay, let's do it. So get all dressed up, meet at Mike and Cynthia's. And then on the way from our house to Mike and Cynthia's house, five-minute drive. Like dread is mounting. Like this is – we should not do this. Dripping sweat. We should not do this. Albert Brooks in broadcasting. Exactly. I'm sitting on my jacket. And so I get into their house and I say, I'm really having second thoughts about this, about doing this. They're like –

Come on. It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. We'll just go and we'll leave after the ceremony. Had anyone sent any kind of email reminder of like, hey, we're still going to crash your wedding or – Yeah, those guys had. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, not to Leslie. Not to Leslie. No, no, no, not at all. Just to us. To each other. Like, can't wait to do this. Oh, boy. And so they say, come on. It'll be fine. We'll leave right after the ceremony so we're not like taking up any food or drink or whatever at the reception. Like, okay. Okay.

There's always leftover food and drink, though. No, I know, but it's – Most of the time. But if you have been married and you've thrown a wedding – And I pray that you are married. Well, if you've invited more than 10 people, you know that it's like – it's a pain. Right. And it's like – it's not so much that it's a pain, but it's – I'm doing your impression. Pains. Pains.

I was like, what is that? So they convinced me. So we go to the wedding. Ideally, what would have happened was we would get there one minute before it started, watch the ceremony, and then leave immediately. Leave a Paul-shaped hole in the wall. Exactly. And you can see by the outline of my body, I did not take any food or drinks. Yes.

Is that a hot dog? No, that's just his weird hand. Yeah, they had a carnival-themed wedding. So we get there, and of course the wedding is not starting on time because no wedding starts on time. Sure, except for one. Who? Sarah Altman.

Oh, that's right! We pulled up as they were walking out. Nerd poker cast member Sarah Gazzardo. Oh my goodness. Her wedding started exactly on time. And we got there at, say it started at 6, we got there at 6.17 and they were, they were coming out of the... I was the officiant of that wedding. I saw you guys. And we got there and they're walking out and we're like going up to the valet and Kulop's like, drive! Drive!

I'm like, what, what? She's like, floor it, mister. All of a sudden, I'm the wheel man. And so I had to drive around the block and she's like, just keep driving around the block until they go back in and they can't see that we got there late. And they took pictures for like an hour. And they took pictures forever. And Kulop is just like, there's no way around it. We're going to have to. And she's even fine with it. Yeah, who cares? So we get to the place where the wedding is going to be and it's,

I'm so self-conscious. Undisclosed location. We don't want any of you fucking weirdos going around sniffing the seats. That's right. So we get there. And of course, because I know Paul...

I don't know him well enough to be invited to his wedding, but I know him. And so- And do you know, do you have any idea if he knows that you were asked to crash? No, I have no idea. I have no idea. No one has been in touch with Leslie at all. Horrible situation. So I get there and of course there's a million people that I know from just around, you know? And I feel so self-conscious because I feel like everyone's looking at me like-

I didn't think Paul knew all that well. Weirdly, you and I never crossed paths during it. I kept going, where's Paul? Were you avoiding me because you didn't want to? No, I just – I saw you walk in. I was like, oh, I got to make my way over to Paul, and I never got over to you. Here's why. Because we could not stay still. We kept moving around. We were just trying – Like nervous energy. Yes, because – and now this was great. Now they're all nervous too. Like as soon as we got there, we're like, yeah, guys, this was a terrible idea. We're all very uncomfortable, nervous.

And so at one point, the wedding is getting ready to start. And so we go kind of sit in the back and then an usher, somebody from their party comes over and says, oh, no, we want people to sit closer. Like, no, no, you do not. We get up and we go hide. And now I had shot stuff there in this venue. Yeah, I shot the sheriff there.

What about the deputy? No, that was a different show. Oh, okay. And so I said, let's... You shot She's the Sheriff there. Yeah. We've talked about this. Yeah, of course. Many times. Many times. I'll give you that one. So...

I say, let's go downstairs. There's a bar downstairs. Let's go check out the bar because I used to film Speakeasy there. Right. Oh, really? Not when I did it, but... No, no, no, no. Interesting. The bulk of Speakeasy we shot at this bar. So we went downstairs and we're kind of looking around and then we emerge from this little room and we see Neil Campbell, best man Neil Campbell, who gives me a look of absolutely surprise. I don't think so. Really? I

I don't know. I can't judge it. I'll check in with him about it. Then we turn around. Then when Neil looks past us and we turn around, we see...

Vroom! Paul Rust! And he looks at us so briefly. And in my mind, it was a look of, what the fuck are you doing here? I doubt. You didn't want to be a distraction, I'm sure. I'm sure he has way more things on his mind. He's not even seeing a face. No, no. He's just like, am I going to cry? Am I going to cry? He's out of his mind. He's out of his mind. But it felt horrible. It felt horrible. And so...

So the wedding begins. And so we're sitting. Et cetera, et cetera. Paul enters with his mom and dad. Very sweet. They kiss him and leave him at the altar. Leslie enters with her family. My wife and I stand up. Right. No one else.

In the entirety of this. And by the way, I saw you tweet about how, you know, you're the only one who knows that it's polite to stand when the bride comes in. That was the second wedding I'd been to that week. In neither. That's crazy. No one did. It was us and one other person. I think it's a new thing or something where people don't stand. But how does everyone know? I don't know. I think no one wants to do it.

Maybe. And so if no one is going to – but I also think that there are certain people who lead that kind of thing. Like is this one of these ones where we stand? Guess who it was not? It was not us. Right. Well, you were in the back. We were in the back. If you had been in the front, everyone would have done it. Someone who was close to the front, who was the only other person that stood, was Michael Showalter. Was the only person. And he and my wife made eye contact like shrugging shoulders like, why are people not getting up? And we stood for the whole –

The whole long entrance of Leslie to the altar, and then we sat down. I thought about it, and I was just like, why does anyone... Who cares if anyone stands? I was happy to sit. I'm fine with who cares if anyone stands, but I just didn't understand... You want to know. How does everyone know this? I don't know. I couldn't figure... Because I had just been to a wedding five days earlier or so that no one did, and there was no expectation... Because it was an unconventional wedding. I think I was in that headspace where I was like, you don't... I did...

But I've been to – this is the year that I went to, I believe, nine weddings or something like that. Wow, wow. And at every other one, we all stood. So I don't know what happened in the brain for that particular week where people are just like, fuck this. And I've been the officiant at a handful of weddings now. I've never had to tell people, and now please stand for the bride. People just did it. People just do it. People just did it. I think there is usually – if they want it, there's usually someone who initiates. Yeah. As in, hey, we're all standing. But you know what is worse? What?

And I made sure I was the officiant at a wedding this year myself. What is worse is I've been to a wedding recently where no one said, please be seated.

And people had to stand for a lot of the wedding. So they didn't get like, okay, when they're set, you can just sit down. Well, yeah, because the person just launched into the thing the minute the bride went there and everyone's standing and no one wants to interrupt. It was really bad. Now, very quickly, as the officiant at a wedding, have you dealt with wedding planners and stuff like that?

There was a little bit of that where I was trying – I never met the wedding planner until maybe an hour before the wedding. And I was trying to kind of give them the feeling that they were really stressed out about what I was going to do. Oh, yes. And I was trying to give them a feeling of like, I'm a professional. I think I am going to be fine at this. But I think they're used to dealing with regulars, non-coms.

Yes, of course. All the time. Probably. People who aren't used to speaking in public and they were trying to like drill in me what was happening. But I can get my blocking, you know, and like remember it right away. Every time I've done it, I've been treated like garbage. Yes, a little bit. I don't want to say that in case someone knows who the person is. I don't think anyone knew that person. I'll say it to my friends. They treat me like garbage.

It's long enough now. Right. I think the most recent one was two years ago. They treat you like an idiot. They treat you like you're a busboy or something, like the hired help or whatever. Exactly. Yeah, hey, here's how it is, stupid. Where are you going to stand? Do you know where you're going to stand? Yeah. One guy, the last time I did it, a guy on the staff grabbed my upper arm to move me somewhere, and I said, hey, what's up?

what are you doing? He's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is Topkins. He realized, well, no, he had no idea who I was. Oh yeah, I realized I crossed a line there. But you know, stress is so high of like, you know, they're hired to make sure it goes well and they can't have some jerk just going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I understand a little bit. But I feel like there should be some indication that I'm going to be that way before you treat me that way. Like if I'm showing up and I'm clearly a competent person. True, but I also think that we're used to getting direction –

Being an actor sometimes is like that. It's almost like the army where you take direction and you're able to memorize that stuff really well. And so when they say, okay, you're going to go up at this point, you're going to make a right, you're going to move the mic at this point, I was just like, uh-huh, uh-huh. I just checked through it in my mind and said, okay. But I think most people are not used to taking blocking or taking direction like that. That could be true. But let me say, do you think, that could be true, do you think it's that... You don't get to do it on your own. You son of a bitch.

It's based on something the other person says. I don't even care what I was going to say now. Technicality, no down, boo over. There we go. All right, we do have to get to our next episode. Technicality, no down, boo over. Technicality, no down, boo over. Here we go. This is episode 12. This is the wedding. Sorry, 11. Shit. This is the wedding of Gilly and Gary. All right, let me give a little backstory here. Gilly and Jacob's

to be on the podcast a few years back. I don't think anyone... She agreed. Well, I don't think any of us knew her necessarily. I think we had done Thrilling Adventure Hour together, but I didn't speak to her. Right. So I reached out to... I had met her before the podcast. I think you had met her. Yeah. But I had been on Thrilling Adventure and was like, oh, she was really funny. And so I reached out to the Thrilling Adventure guys and I said, hey, do you think... The two Ben's. And I said, do you think she would be into doing my podcast? And they said...

Yeah, probably. I don't need to go through every fucking...

step of this story. It seems likely that she would. Oh, Jesus. Knowing her, as little as we do, she seems game for stuff. But she came and she did an episode. Did you do the first episode she did? I don't recall. I think that I did. I think that you did. I think so. And she was really funny. You guys were really funny together and she became a regular. And she hadn't been on in a year when we had done this episode. And the year previous, usually when she's on, she does...

She does it with your character, Gary Marshall, who is the creator of Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley and director of Pretty Woman. And we've set up – it all came about very organically. We set up a romance between she and Gary Marshall where she is sort of playing a gold-digging version of herself. Which is her idea. Her idea and also not that far from her actual personality, I've come to find out. Maybe I shouldn't be saying that.

Maybe somebody. Maybe. And so we had set up a year previous that she and Gary Marshall would get married on. What are you doing? I'm trying to. What are you doing? I'm trying to look her up on the Earwolf website so I can see what her first episode was. Okay, very good. And I accidentally with my thumb, I hit play. I bet you did. On an embedded podcast. By the way, turn your ringers off. My ringer is off. Okay, we're going to get to an episode where it was not.

So forgive me for... Fair enough. Once bitten, twice shy. I've been listening to that episode three times. All right, Scott, you win this round. So we promised that Gilly, as we call her, and Gary would get married on Valentine's Day. A little backstory, Gary's wife, Barbara, he put her in suspended animation so it is legal for Gary to get married again.

Gillian mentioned several times in these clips that she is a recent multi-hyphenate because she just directed a documentary. That's right. And one other thing I should mention is Gary Marshall, we set up on the previous episode, is banished back to his own dimension if he ever answers a question regarding what the chicks will do when they see Grease Lightning. This sounds crazy if this is your first episode listening to the show, but this is years and years in the making of the improv has gotten very complicated.

Now, we also, by the way, Len Wiseman, the director of the Underworld films, is also Gary Marshall's friend because they're both directors and all directors know each other. That's right. Len Wiseman, of course, he's a good-looking guy in his 40s from Cupertino, California. He went to Cupertino High and that's all there is to know. Oh, and he loves sex parties. Gillian's first episode, August 2011, she was on with Andy Daly and it was the Andy Callahan arc.

Oh, okay. And so then after that, you guys were on together. She had such a good time in that one. Then, yes. Then Words with Friends?

Yep, that sounds right. I think I was on that one? Yeah, I believe so. And that's where we talked about playing Words with Friends, where she bailed on a couple of games with me. Look, it's been four years. She's been doing a lot of episodes for four years. She's great in it. Then all the rest are with me. Well, we clicked with something. We clicked! We had a fun click! We've also had a lot of great musical guests on the podcast this year, and this is the only episode, I believe, that's actually featuring one of them in the countdown. We've had...

and stars and peaches. American football. American football, Diane Coffey. They've all given great musical performances. And a lot of musical people who, like Paul Banks from Interpol and people like that who didn't even perform. They just, and the Eagles of Death Metal were on a few weeks back and they didn't perform. They're just hanging out and having fun. So in this episode, Colin Haye,

was in town. I had never met Colin Hay. I'd been to see him perform several times. Colin Hay, late of men at work. Yes. Yes. Who can it be now? Why it's Colin Hay. Um, he was in town promoting a new solo record and we heard that he could do the show. And I, I thought, I think that'll be a really interesting episode if he is on with the two of you doing this marriage. Um,

He agreed. A lot of times the musical guests don't stick around all that long. They'll do their performances. Some stick around the entire show. And Colin stuck around the entire show doing the songs live and participating, which is great when you get music. He's totally game. Very funny guy. And when we heard before the episode started what songs he wanted to do, he let us know what the titles were and what the themes of them were.

We decided to try to incorporate those... Jeez, did I just burp into the microphone? Those musical themes. I don't know, did you? We tried to incorporate the themes into the plotline of the episode. So we said, oh, okay, that song's talking about this. Let's put it at this point in the plot. We gave it a little bit of a plotline, very bare bones.

And we kind of did that as we went along. As we went along, yeah, yeah. So this is Paul F. Tompkins in a tour de force. He's doing not only Gary Marshall, but he's doing Len Wiseman. And the Reverend Parsimony also comes in right before this. And he's going to perform the wedding. That's another character you do. And another character you do comes in and interrupts. So let's hear that. This is The Wedding of Gilly and Gary, your number 11. Number one, one.

All right, so Reverend Parsimony, you are ready and able to perform this ceremony. Yes, not willing, but I'm going to do it. Oh, thanks. That's all we need. All right, and would you like, would you care for any music? That's up to the couple. Would you like a processional? Yes, please, please, please. Ah, ah.

Baby, I like your ways and your money and your days and your face and your nose and your eyes and your toes. Oh, Gary, I like the way you do the things that you do when I give you the right pills. Oh, Gary, I like licking your nose. I like seeing your toes all up in the air.

Gary, I love you. Okay, this is long.

All right. Is that enough? Gary, do you want to sing a song to me? I mean, I feel a little vulnerable right now. Gary, do you want to sing a song? Colin, can you give him some music? I think Gary wants to sing a song. Give me a backing track, I guess. Yeah.

Hey, Gillian! Yeah? I'm gonna marry you today and make you my wife and then we're gonna go away on a honeymoon in Tahiti or a nice tropical island.

So let's get it over with. All right. Brevity truly is the soul of wit. If everyone's done improv singing, then let's please proceed with the ceremony. All right. How would you like to proceed? And what can I do to help? Okay. Nothing. Well, I'm the host of the show. There's got to be something I can do. It's a wedding. I don't usually do. I've never officiated a wedding before. Can we co-host? Or what? Someone in the congregation said, what can I do? Usually that's all decided beforehand. Can I help in some way? I don't know.

All right. Weddings are not usually volunteer affairs. It's usually planned out and it's all taken care of. But I'd love to do something. Why don't you sit there and shut up? There's two things for you to do. All right, go ahead. Will you please join hands? All right. Us two or Colin and I? I don't care. You can... Again, this is... This may interfere with your guitar playing. Not the way this is supposed to go.

All right. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here. Did you say gilly, beloved? What are you? I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing. Sorry, it's just, I'm on autopilot here. Have you ever done this at a wedding before? No, but I've never been hosting a show during a wedding. All right, maybe just push the microphone away. All right, here we go. Dearly beloved, uh,

I'm assuming we are gathered here in the presence of Almighty God who looks down on us all. What's that? Gods. Polytheism? Yes, thank you, I'm a pagan. Why did you ask me to do this service? I just figured... Why didn't you go with the online fella? I mean, really, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. You know what, Lentil, shut the f*** up. Fair enough, but that got me a little hot. Ha ha ha!

Sorry, go on. I'd just like you to... We are gathered here in the sight of the one true God who, make no mistake, is looking down and doesn't like any of this business at all and doesn't like the human race in general and is just waiting for any opportunity to smash us all into dust from which we came. We are gathered here to witness the marriage of this young lady to this nearly dead old man. I would like to start with prayer.

Come canine, follow my ghostly voice. Come canine, attend me. I love that poem. I wrote it. Now then, marriage is a sacred trust not entered into lightly. Certainly not on a podcast. But here we are. And, you know, the church needs new faucets. So you do what you got to do.

Please step forward. Do you have vows that you would like to read? Are we going to go traditional? No, no, Trish. No, no, Trish. I've got my vows already. All right. The bride will go first. Thank you. Dear Gary. How are you? I'm swell. So excited that our wedding day is finally here.

Just make sure you sign that new will I had drawn up by Star Jones Esquire. Gonna get all your money. Your children are okay with it. Um, I unplugged Barbara from the suspended animation machine. She's slowly dying right now, but I think you're secretly okay with that. The first time I saw you, I thought, gosh, that guy must have a lot of bucks. TV in the 70s and 80s sure was profitable. I love you so much. Your hair's so pretty, and you love me so good.

Yours truly, Gilly. All right, well, I don't quite know what to do here because if the wife is unplugged from the suspended animation machine, she's not technically in suspended animation. She's dying. She's dying. All right, but dying's not the same as dead. You might want to have some... I'm not trying to tell you a business. I might want to plug her back in. Maybe that's something I could do. Okay, Scott, go plug Barbara back in. There you go, son. Thank you very much. I'll help you. Now the groom... Colin, I need your help! Yes, I'll hold the plug for you.

If the groom would like to proceed with his vows. Okay. Gilly, the first time I saw you, I thought that's the girl from TV.

Soon after that, we embarked on a whirlwind romance of getting married, getting divorced, putting my wife in suspended animation, faking my wife's death, revealing that she was alive, then putting my wife in suspended animation. This is the first draft. I meant to go over this. I printed up the wrong one. From the second day that I saw you, I realized...

Ours was a love that could not be avoided, much as I tried to do so. Will you please do me the great honor of marrying me so that I will make you rich after my death? What? And you...

Well, I mean, you're going to share in my wealth while I'm alive, of course. I'm not going to like that. But then you'll have all of it. Yeah, but you'll have all of it. But you're like, I get an allowance while you're still alive. Of course you get an allowance. I'm an old-fashioned guy. As a writer, if I could give you a little punch-up. Oh, sure, yeah. To make you rich. Why don't you do some writing for me? Because God knows I never went anywhere as a writer. I don't think you were a writer. You were just a... You don't think I wrote stuff? I mean... Dick Van Dyke show, you ever heard of that?

Who do you think invented the character of Jerry the dentist? I'm just saying you could say she's super rich when she's dead and rich while she's alive. Rich while she's alive, super rich. Okay, what he said. So here we go off on a great adventure that will last probably a very brief amount of time. Yes! I love you. Oh, that was painful to listen to and...

I'm glad it's over. Please take each other's hands once again, and you will place the ring on the fingers after repeating after me. Young lady, you say, with this ring, I thee wed. With this ring, I thee wed. And then put it on his finger there. Oh, not so hard. You're making marks. Ah, honey, come on, it's on there. You're getting into the webbing.

With this ring, Ivy Webb. Good chiming. Famous Spider-Man cover. When Spider-Man broke up Doc Ock's wedding to his Aunt May. What? All right, pretty girl, we get it. You never read it.

Are you telling me that at some point the Spider-Man continuity, his Aunt May's only living relative was going to marry Super-Fill-A-Doctor Octopus? And on the cover, Spider-Man came in and webbed up the ring and said, with this ring, I thee. Did she not realize he was an octopus man? She did not realize that. Or she thought he was sweet. That he wasn't a super-villain.

Just a regular old octopus man. A regular old octopus man. In mechanical arms. And I beg your pardon, it was the reverend who said, with this ring, I thee, and then saw the web on the ring and said, web? Oh, so he was confused. He was about to say web. Web. And then instead he said, yeah. Okay, let's get to it. Let's get to it. I do apologize. Isn't there something you're forgetting? Don't you usually ask at this point if there's anyone who objects to the wedding? I do that after the ring part. It's more dramatic. Okay. Okay.

Certainly there will be no one, so. Mr. Marshall, please call me Gary. Gary, place the ring upon a finger and repeat after me. It's the same thing as before. With this ring, I, the

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Now that you have betrothed one another to each your own, it is only left for me to ask, is there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony? And then nobody ever says anything because it's rude. Sure, of course. It's too rude to do. So, Colin, you're not going to say anything. I'm not going to. I'm not going to say anything. We've got a lot of the campy tonight.

I'm not going to say anything. Gwen, you're not going to say anything. So we're the only people in this room, so obviously I don't... Stop this wedding. What? Who is this man? I cannot allow this wedding to continue. Alan Thicke? That's right. What are you doing here? I'll tell you, Gillian. Um...

I love you and I cannot stand by and watch you marry this elderly man. Rich though he may be, I'm also very wealthy from my television work and also writing those theme songs. And your recent show, Conspicuously Thick, is that what it is? Arguably Thick.

It's a reality show that follows me and my wife around. Oops, I forgot that I was married. You're married now. Well, I've been married. Now, hold on a second. I've been married several times, so this is very easy for me to do. Honest mistake. Honest mistake. Alan, can I interject? It's since it is my own wedding. Oh, this will be our first interjection. How romantic.

I have several issues with you, Alan. One... Please list them numerically. Okay, one, you have diluted your wealth through several marriages and divorces. Gary has only been married once, and there has been no divorce. That's right! Just a suspended animation and a fake murder! Barbara hasn't gotten a dime out of him. Two, I said, Alan, I'd be happy to marry you. If! If! If!

You will give me all of your son's money. And you said no. Well, Robin, of course, has his own career. And his own divorce that he's paying for. And his own divorce. So like father, like son. The apple doesn't fall far. So on and so forth. And that was not my wealth to promise. A man can only promise his own wealth. He's your son.

He's your son. You made him. You brought him into the world. You can take him out. That is true. A father, of course, is legally allowed to murder his own son. By the rule of Cosby. That's right.

I'm saying because that's his famous joke, I brought you into this world, I'll take you out. But it was an expression before. It was a Cosby bit. He didn't coin that term. And now there's an unpleasant Paul over all these proceedings. True, but he said it on the very first episode of The Cosby Show. Yes, okay. And on his record. All right, let's stop talking about Bill Cosby because I think it's a bit of a downer at this point. I don't know. Well, to each his own.

I'm saying this wedding has already been tarnished enough by my presence. Why drag Cosby into this? Please stop saying his name. I beg of you. Sorry. Dr. William H. Cosby. That does make it a little better. What is going on? Gary, just calm down. Everything's going to be fine. Rub his back, Glenn. I'll give him a little back rub like they do in the theater. Okay.

Do I still need to be here? Yes, because we're getting married. We have to say you may kiss the bride in order for this thing to be... Oh, that's right. That's what makes it legal. So I'm willing to marry someone here today, but... I don't want to marry Alan Thicke. Why?

I told you, you don't have as much money as Gary. I've been working long and hard. Yeah. Long and hard. Six years on community, and what do you have to show for it? I'm tired. A horse sweater? Perhaps a horse sweater. We don't even know for sure. Two pairs of sunglasses? I would like, you know what? Look, I know I just got here, but is perhaps a horse sweater in contention for title of the episode? No.

Thank you, Alan, for being so conscientious. Well, it just struck me. I mean, I haven't eaten for these things. Certainly.

Now, Gillian, while I do lack the creases-like wealth of a Gary Marshall, I do have a wonderful ranch and property in Canada. Canada? It's beautiful up there. You're one of the 50 people who live there. That's right. 100, please. Sorry, I'm so sorry. It's a little insulting. Many of them named Gord. And you've almost met them all, you're saying? I've almost met every Gord. Oh.

Oh, I thought you had almost met all the other 99 people in Canada. What's the difference? True. Gilly, what I can promise you is a real life, not a life based on material goods and the shallow pleasures that they bring, but a life of romance and devotion for probably almost 10 years. Are you still married?

Yes. Okay. Bye. But Gary is married. We plugged her back in. That's all good. Star Jones told me it was fine. Yeah, unless your wife is in suspended animation. Oh, she is. Did I not mention that? She is. Why did you have to throw a wrench into my plan? She fell into our suspended animation machine, which we kept in case we were afraid that there was going to be a nuclear apocalypse and-

Well, you're not wrong. There is one. Well, yet another reason that it's built for two, and certainly you and I could wait out the coming nuclear apocalypse together. But isn't your wife already in there? Would you throw her out of it? I mean, you know, there's only room for two. I'm sure she'd understand. Alan, I feel like I can best explain this to you in a song. Do you need accompaniment? Yes. All right, Colin. I don't do a cappella.

Alan, I love you dearly. You're my passion. You're my heart. You're my sexual partner for love. Let's just keep it how it was. We'll keep having sex, but I'm gonna marry Gary. Gonna marry Gary. He's got more money than you.

You're just an actor, Ellen, and I'm not into you. I'm a multi-hyphenate now myself, and I don't want to marry just an actor. You're gross, Ellen.

Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary's got so much money. I love Gary, Gary, Gary. I made my heart out of Gary's money. And now I'm going to see how the world can be. I'm going to travel to all the countries I never saw. I'm going to eat all the wine. I'm going to drink all the caviar. I'm going to wear all the clothes. I'm going to dance all the dances.

Well, that was certainly compelling. If you don't mind, though, I would like to sing a song of my own. See if I could change your mind. Counterpoint. No, you know, because you said that I'm just an actor, but you're forgetting that I am also a songwriter. Singer-songwriter. And a host. What? I hosted a show called Animal Crack-Ups.

And Think of the Night. And Think of the Night, of course. Singer-songwriter of the Facts of Life theme. What? And the Different Strokes theme. That's right. What? You don't know this and you've been stooping him? You know, royalties are no small potato. I don't really listen to it at all. Colin can tell you that much. Yeah, certainly. Wait, you wrote those songs? I wrote Different Strokes, Facts of Life. And Colin, if you wouldn't mind accompanying me, give me something a little bouncy, sitcom-themey.

Well, there's a way to get married and have your cake and eat it too. And that's if you marry me and I marry you. I'm Alan Thicke. The end. Wow, great song. One of the shortest ones I've ever heard. Well, I can only write theme song length chunks. Any more than that is Gilding the Lily. Gilding the Gilly. Maybe that's a good title for this. Gilding the Gilly? That's truly Gilding the Lily with that. Okay, Alan, let's...

Let's resolve this once and for all. Let's resolve this. Who do you want to marry? Let's put it to a vote. Wait, we can all vote? Yeah. Reverend Parsimony can vote too? Yeah, Persimmons can vote. Okay, so how many of us are there? There's, of course, you have Gilly, you have myself, you have Colin, you have Gary. Present! And you have Lentil. You have Reverend Parsimony and Alan Thicke. So the seven of us, so this will not be an even vote. Can they vote for themselves? Yes.

Yes. What if you cannot vote for yourself? Okay, you cannot vote for yourself. That complicates things somewhat. You cannot vote for yourself. Okay. All right, so here we go. Let's go around the room. Gilly, you'll be last. Okay. I'll go first. I...

You know, to be honest, I love the love story between you and Gary. I think, you know, I got to vote for him. I vote for Gary. Great. One for Gary. One for Gary. Colin, how do you like to vote? I think that I was in there from the start with Gary. I thought that Gary was a fantastic match for Gilly. Thank you. Gilly and Gary. Yeah. It just has a ring to it. It's alliterative. It's...

Thank you. Two. All right. That's two. Oh, yeah. You didn't actually say if that's your vote, though. Okay, great. That is your vote. Great. I just wanted to lock you in. Lentil. Final answer. This is difficult because Gary's obviously a friend of mine, and I don't want to see him heartbroken or hurt.

But I also don't want to see him taken advantage of by a recent multi-hyphenate. I'm sorry, darling. You just haven't been in the game that long and you don't know about the road ahead. It's very difficult. Take it from a guy who's a little bit older in his 40s. A little bit. Just a little bit. But I've been around long enough to know. So although this is –

cruel to do. I got to vote for Alan Thicke. One for Alan Thicke, you're on the board. Wow. This is exciting. This is a squeaker. Thank you, Lynn. Let's go to... I'm not really doing it for you. It's not a vote for you so much as a vote against Gillian. And sorry, Gillian, to say that. All right, let's go to Gary. Gary, who do you vote for? You can't vote for yourself. I can't vote for myself.

Can vote for anybody? No, you can only vote for the two contenders. Oh, boy. All right. And what's the score right now? Well, it's two for Gary, yourself, and one for Alan. One for Alan. Okay. Let's see here. If I vote for myself, it puts me over the top. You cannot vote for yourself. Can't vote for myself, so that's not an option. Not an option, so I'd like your vote. All right. Well, it's I can't vote for myself. The only other person I can vote for is Alan. Correct. Correct.

I gotta go with Alan? Congratulations, Alan. We're tied. It's a real barn burner. All right. Alan, I'm going to go to you for your vote. All right. I can't vote for myself. You can't vote for yourself. How many votes are there remaining? There are three votes remaining. So it's I vote, then the Reverend. Then the Reverend Parsimony. That's right, yeah. And then Gillian. All right. Hmm.

I got to make this count. Well, you can't vote for yourself. Right, no, I understand that. Who do you vote for? Still, let's think about this. I vote for Gary. Very good, Gary. Please call me Mr. Marshall. Oh, you've angered him. That's right. Your Gary privileges are revoked. But he voted for you. It doesn't matter. I don't want...

Don't want his pity. I don't want anything. I don't know. I'm past my bedtime. Why am I still here? All right, Reverend, how do you like to vote? We're three to two in favor of Gary. This is all, of course, very disgusting.

I don't usually vote in these matters. This has never come up. This is the most unorthodox wedding I've ever performed, and it may make me retire from performing weddings altogether because as much as I don't want to go out on a low note, I also don't want this situation to ever be repeated. I vote for Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke! It's a tie! Oh!

Well, Gilly, it's going to come down to you and who you want to marry, which I think is the best way to decide who you're going to marry. Do the right thing, honey. Yes, do the right thing. Gilly? Can you just give me a brief rundown? Of the candidates? No, no, not the candidates. I remember that. We have Gary Marshall. We have Alan Thicke. No, no, no. Net worth. Net worth. Can we just brief rundown? Alan? Yes? How much money do you have?

Do you want me to look up celebrity net worth? Yes, please. All right. Can I get a look it up, Scotty? Look it up, Scotty. I have, and this may sound shocking, I have $2 million. Oh, God. Well, that's a lot of money to have on you. Let me verify. Oh, on you. Yeah, was that not the question? No, no, no, no, your net worth. Oh, I do apologize. My net worth, do you know the number eight? Yes. Have you ever seen it lying down on its side? Oh, you cutie. I've got it, by the way.

All right, I am... Alan Thicke. Worth. Now, this is... Usually on a podcast, a gentleman being asked to say how much money he makes is considered rude in some circles. But here it is on CelebrityNetWorth.com. $40 million. $40 million. All right. All right, that's strong. Very strong. It's a lot of money, and of course, the money keeps coming in because of... Does it? Yeah, different strokes and facts of life. All right. Gary? Gary?

I've looked you up on Celebrity Net Worth. Oh, am I on there? Yep. $50 million. Very close. $10 million more. Closer than I thought. It's pretty close. Closer than I thought. Closer than I thought. Now, honey, I want you to remember, although Gary has $10 million more, he's not long for this world. Yeah. He's an irascible old coot. Got it.

And I don't think he's going to give you a life that you're going to end up liking. Whereas Alan, I think, is truly devoted to giving you a romantic wonderland that you deserve for some reason. All right, Gillian, I'm going to need your answer. Who do you want to marry? I would like. I'm sorry. I'm just getting emotional. I would like to marry. Gary!

I won? Congratulations, Gary. Thank you, I guess. Boy, oh boy, this has turned out to be way more of a hassle than I ever dreamed. Wow. Well, Reverend Parsimony, you can, of course, pronounce them Man and Bride. Wait, before you do that, I have a question for Gary. What will the chicks do when they see Grease Lightning? The chicks will cream. Scott Ackerman. Oh, no. Scott Ackerman.

Scott Aukerman! I had him! He was banished to his dimension! I had him in my car! Oh, Scott! I'm so sorry. Did you do that on purpose? I kind of did. Because you're an incurable romantic. I am! I love the romance between Alan here and Gilly, and I hope that within the next calendar year...

that something will blossom between them. But so sorry, Gillian. May I say something? Sure. I know I'm not an invited guest here, but you do have an open-door policy, and I took advantage of it. Gillian, I don't expect you to marry me today here on this podcast, but I do hope you'll take some time to think about it. Take a calendar year, and we'll meet here next year. How's that sound? Number one, one.

There it was. That was a fun day. And I should mention that perhaps a horse sweater was not the title of the episode, nor was gilding the ghillie. We were pitching those. Oh, that's right. There were pitches all throughout the episode. Yes, we were trying to pitch what the episode title would be. And instead, July, by the way, big shout out to July Diaz, who does the...

and the titles of these. He just decided to call it The Wedding of Gilly and Gary. And this is a case where it worked because we all remember it. Oh, yeah. If it had been Gilding the Gilly, maybe people wouldn't have voted for it. The horse sweater thing, not at all. People would not have remembered that. Perhaps a horse sweater. Perhaps a horse sweater. So July, good job on that one. Well, how about that one...

That you called out of the podcast that one time. July's recap of the episode was like so crazy, filled with like –

and like a sentence that dead ended somewhere. Yeah, he did it drunk one night, basically. Yeah. It was a crazy... I went and looked it up and it was fucking hilarious. July does these pretty late at night from what I can tell because I always get them after I even go to bed. Yeah. And it was a crazy one recently where it just had like run-on sentences and typos. It was nuts. Okay, July, you were drunk when you did this. He revised it the next morning.

Well, that is the first episode of our best of. We have not even cracked the top 10 yet. We're getting to that in our next episode. This is an amazing— Scott, I think about how we haven't even cracked the top 10 yet. Did you burp again? No, that was a laugh. I didn't know what was going on. You put your fist up to your lips. I put my fist up to my chin, and I was going, Hey, Cam! But you're not leaning on anything. Nope. You're just holding your fist against your cheek. Hey, mister, I got moxie! Oh, no.

So when we come back, not when we come back because that's the end of this episode, but on Thursday of this week, there will be episode two. We are going to have the number 10 episode, the number nine, the number eight, and the number seven episode of the year. Lucky number seven. That's right. And as- Number eight? Number in the line. In the line. And says seven, says seven in.

As we go out, Paul, thank you for being here. As we go out, I do want to play, as you just heard in the previous clip, we were making a lot of references to next year.

Next year, we were going to, Gary Marshall is banished for a year in his own dimension. So next year, we were going to be next year people and try to get married again. So we are going to hear Colin's performance of the song next year people, a beautiful acoustic performance here as well. With a little backup. A little backup. By some friends. He very nicely asked the three of us to do backups. Or very foolishly. I think Gilly was not comfortable doing it, but she sounds great. Fine. She does it fine.

I'm downgrading it to fine. That is it for this episode. We will see you on Thursday when we crack into your top 10. Thanks very much. We'll see you then. Bye. Thank you, Eye and Eye. You can't live without hope that things will change for the better. You can't live without the dream of someone reading your letter. We've had dust storms before and spit out the dirt.

We've had droughts before but none quite like this We've had winds that cut up your face all to pieces Black blizzards that stripped all the paint off your car Fires like twisters, no sisters of mercy They come with no warning, only that sound God is roaring drunk and out on the town Next year everything will come good

The rains they will fall and we'll dance on the hood. We'll fill up our bellies with plentiful food. We'll eat, drink and be merry. Yeah, next year people will wait and see. When next year people, you and me. Henry got hit by lightning twice in the head.

He stood and walked away, we thought he was dead Now he talks funny, says he's wired to the sky He walks for miles and miles and no one knows why Bank men they came and wrote things down on paper We all went outside and just stood around We were glad when they left, they brought nothing but heartache And the seed we had planted it stayed in the ground

Next year everything will come good The rains they will fall and we'll dance on the hood We'll fill up our bellies with plentiful food We'll eat, drink and be merry Yeah, next year people will wait and see We're next year people, you and me Dry endless plains and we suffer the worst

Are we being punished or are we just cursed? It's almost ten years and no drop of rain Only mocking blue skies bringing more of the same Our mother was crying when they sent us to stay With strangers in a town and we both ran away Back to the dust and see Henry again We're creatures of habit, don't you know?

We'll eat, drink and be merry. Yeah, next year people wait and see. We're next year people, you and me.

Yeah, next year people will wait and see. When next year people, you and me. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

Thank you.

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

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