Best of 2015 Pt. 2
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Beautiful. Beautiful.

Your pink pantied tush makes my shy chubby blush. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Our guest does not like it.

Thank you to the Voblex. Catchphrase All-Star. That's from the Voblex. Come on, the Voblex. Catchphrase All-Star, the Voblex submitted that. By the way, I did not credit our previous episode's Catchphrase All-Star, Shampoodler, for the WebMD one. So I wanted to retroactively do that thanks to them. I almost said him. Honor restored to the Shampoodler name. Honor.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. This is the best of episode number two, where we count down your top 15, sorry, 14. God damn it. Already? So this is episode number two of a countdown that counts down 14 to seven. To seven, Evan. To seven, Evan.

No, we're going to on today's episodes, we're counting down the top 14 on today's episode. We're counting down 10, 9, 8 and 7. Your 8 and 7 top 10 here. We're cracking the top 10.

Craig in the top 10! Craig in the top 10! Do you remember baking a plane cake? Yep, I do. Remember that from four years ago or so? Taking a plane break? A couple studios ago. Yeah. Boy, wow. Yeah! Yeah! I almost wanted to cue Ryan for it, but he has no idea what it is. That was before Ryan. Wait, he does? He does? Engineer Cody Ryan has it? Here, let's hear it. ♪

Yeah! Make it a Plane Cake! Make it a Plane Cake! Make it a Plane Cake! Make it a Plane Cake!

Oh, boy, that was fun. It was a lot of fun. Oh, I actually got lightheaded from that. Yeah, you were screaming at the top of your lungs. I couldn't even do that scream. Oh, boy. I can't even do it at the pitch that the singer does. Guys, he sings it high. We used to sing taking a plane break because back in the...

the very first studio, not where we started the show because that was at Indy 1031 in their studio. But when we moved to the first Earwolf Studios. Yeah, 103.1 Street. Yes. Well, was it? It was something like that. I think so. That was also the address. It was also the building. It was the floor. It was floor 1031 and above us was 1032 or something. That's right. But in our first Earwolf Studio, it was in basically almost like a crack house. Yeah.

It was a weird neighborhood. It was skeevy. Yeah, it was skeevy. Right next to a medical marijuana place and also right next to an alley where there were people constantly foraging for recyclables, I believe. There was also a casting office in that same building. So you'd see people occasionally that you knew and you'd be like ashamed like you were going to buy crack somewhere and they knew that. Or be cast in something. Right. Even worse. Yeah.

And we would hear air traffic a lot and we would hear planes overhead a lot. And so anytime we heard a plane that was really loud, I would play that song in order to cover up the noise of the plane. And we would sing taking a plane break no matter what happened. And I still to this day get people saying they miss plane breaks. And that was our holiday when you were playing when Paul F. Tompkins here was playing Cake Boss.

He was doing his character Cake Boss. We intentionally, after we moved to a soundproof studio, we intentionally sang one when people were saying, I really miss him. You said that you were baking a plain cake. Well, it was this long setup where you asked me,

You were asking me, has anyone ever asked you to do a cake with no decorations? No frosting. What would you be doing then? It was like this very convoluted thing to get me to say the phrase baking a plain cake. And then we played that and we sang baking a plain cake. A great moment in Comedy Bang Bang history. A GM in CBBH.

But speaking of GMs and CBBH, we are here. I am Scott Aukerman, your host, of course, for Comedy Bang Bang. And I'm here with my good friend, Paul F. Tompkins. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. We are show business friends and we are counting down. And we are real life enemies. A lot of people don't know that about us. The minute the mics are turned off. Constantly plotting to destroy each other. Hasn't happened yet.

But yes, we are here counting down your top 14 episodes of the year of 2015. And in this particular episode, we've cracked the top 10. We're going to hear 10 through 7. Or is it 8? What is it? Yeah, 10 through 11. And...

And some really great clips on this episode. I'm really pleased as punch. I'm glad to hear that. You know what? Here's what I was worried about, Scott. Yeah, man. I thought like – hear me now. I thought that – The rhythm. That we would hear great clips in the first chunk of Best Ofs. And then this one. They were going to be terrible. No, I think – But then you're telling me they're good. No, these ones in this episode, I think A+.

A, more than C+, which is your standard grade. You're saying, why do we need other grades? C-plus is above average. Sorry I ever did that. No, I'm not. You should be. Really? I'm proud of it. Here's what happens, though, is that you take – people take those references. A lot of times – They apply them to other things. Can I say to anyone –

who is a fan of the show, who knows the C plus inside joke, don't send that to people, guests on the show who don't know the joke without explanation. Yeah. Because occasionally people who don't know the ins and outs of this program and why would they are on the show? They think they did a great job and someone sends them a tweet saying C plus job. And they're like, what? They go, why would I ever go back to the show? So please just send nice things. You know, who does it the most is people who listen to Hollywood handbook. Yeah. Well,

And the craziest references, they will tweet to other people and people don't know. And I had an exchange with Lauren Lapkus where she was like – she texted me. She said, do you know why –

People are writing to me saying they want to eat my hair. And I said, as a matter of fact, I do. And I had to send her the whole explanation of that, which is from an ad those guys did on their show. And so she was like, all right, all right. I kind of figured that. And then like a day later, she tweeted out, whenever anyone says me something that I don't understand, I figure it must be a Hollywood handbook reference. Right. Yeah.

Well, people send me and you, I would presume, references from this show all the time, especially when the episodes come out. I will wake up sometimes and there will be a ton of stuff in my in-books. In-books. That I don't remember the episodes that well after we record them. I look into my in-books. In my in-books. What's this now? What's this? Who? In my in-books. Who the devil are you saying? My in-books?

What is that? What is that? That's Wales. What dialect is that? Wales. Oh, so Michael Sheen? It's like a mix. It's a mixture between Welsh and Scottish. It's my in-books. What's up with the devil with his in-books? I feel like I can do that better than I can do Irish.

Oh, you're as I proved your legendary Irish accent. I thought I had a lock on that. There was an episode of this show that I think we recorded in March and I was trying to get you to say Morch. Morch. And I couldn't remember it. Yeah. Yeah. Morch. I remember it now because people remind me of it. Morch. Morch. It takes me a little while to catch up to it, but I'll get, I'll get the inside jokes. By the way, recent pyramid news. Speaking of inside jokes. That's right.

There was some recent pyramid news. Dr. Ben Carson. A couple years ago. How did it come about? I said recent pyramid news? It was, I would think I was Richard Harrow. Okay. And there was somehow we were talking about pyramids and you were kind of giving me a hard time because I don't know. It was like not, I can't remember. I was saying like, have we gotten any recent pyramid news? And you pointed it out. I don't know.

I think. Maybe. And since then, there has been recent pyramid news with Dr. Ben Carson. Who says that the ancient Egyptians put grain in there. Stored grain. Stored grain in there. In those solid triangles. That's right. Ben Carson, by the way, awfully close to Bill Cosby. Really? Ben Carson, Bill Cosby, Ben Carson, Bill Cosby. Oh, the names, not as a person. Ben Carson, Dr. Ben Carson, Dr. Bill Cosby, Dr. Ben Carson, Dr. Bill Cosby. Bart the Bear.

From the edge. Bart the Bear. Bart the Bear. Bill Cobb. Bart the Bear. The Bears. The Bears. The Bears. So close. Ben Carson. The Bears.

Welcome to the show. This is what you're going to get. Every year in December for the last couple of weeks, Paul F. Tompkins and I collect ourselves. What am I trying to say? We collect ourselves. Well, we come in in quite a state. Oh, my goodness. And then we have to collect ourselves. We've had crazy days. Oh, my goodness. Heavens. I got caught in the rain. I had a newspaper over my head. Oh, I have the vapors. Oh, my goodness.

We get down on our fainting couches. Someone comes in with smelling salts and brings us around. They snap at our faces. Isn't that what smelling salts are? They break them open like this.

I used to think when I read about them. That's a modern medical thing, I think. They actually have vials that they snap. Yeah, yeah. When I read about them, I assumed it was like a salt shaker that they would pour in your face. I always pictured it as a jar, like a weird little jar. Like a jar someone farts in and then opens it up under your nose? That's exactly what I thought. Scott, how did you know? It's like you're reading my mind. Wait a minute. Maybe I can read minds. Yeah. This probably proves it. Did it take that long to find out? This probably proves it. Wow.

Wow. Hey, you know what? It's like limitless. I've always said I might be bulletproof. You might be. I don't want to find out. That's right. But I very well could be. I want that pill. Give me that pill. Give me that pill. What if limitless was just that? Give me that pill. Hey, I want that pill. Hey, I'm watching you. Give me that pill. I see you with that pill. I want it. I'm walking here. Give me that pill. Give me that pill. Analyze this. Analyze that.

Did they ever get to analyze the other thing? Oh, my gosh. Harold Ramis passed away too soon. R2-D2 soon. R2-D2 soon. He was a robot. He was a robot. Yeah, Harold Ramis was a robot. Harold Ramis was a robot. Don't joke about iRobot, though. Please don't. Take care. Please. If we can impart upon you one thing during this holiday season, and it is Christmas Eve, by the way. Yes. This Christmas, don't joke about iRobot. No.

Stop it! What a wonderful song that would be. This Christmas, don't joke about iRobot. We should record it. There's so much stuff to joke about. We should record it this year. We should record that for next year. For next year. We'll do it. Okay. Keep us to that. We'll forget about it. Is it this Christmas, don't make fun of iRobot? This Christmas, don't joke about iRobot. Don't joke about iRobot. That is the title. And it'll be country and western.

All right. Okay, great. Country and Western. Will it have like a little spoken word breakdown? Of course. But of course. We'll get special guests on it too. It'll be like a we are the world type thing. We'll do one of those in a while. Okay. In a while. Welcome to the show. What we're going to do here is we're going to play you clips. You guys all voted on these. We voted from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving.

of this year, and these are the episodes that you voted for the most. And we're cracking the top ten, and we may as well get to it. Let's get to the first episode on today's countdown. This is number ten. Number ten. Ooh, baby, this is... Ooh!

This is episode 365. As many episodes as there are days in this year, not next year. That's wild. That's right. That is wild. Next year.

That is wild. That is weird. Wild stuff. Crazy stuff. Wild. Wild. I feel like I still can't do it. That is wild. What is wrong with me? Apparently. That is wild. Apparently. That's another word that gets me. Yeah. Apparently. With the finger. Yeah. Apparently. That is wild.

That is Carson, of course. Of course, that is Carson. Ben Carson. Ben Carson. Dr. Bill Cosby Carson. I cut open a human skull. That was wild. Pyramids were used for grain. That is wild. I think I should be president. That is wild. That's the wildest of them all. Not to get political. Not to get political. But he's a weirdo.

He's a weirdo. He's a fucking weirdo. He's a strange human being. He's a really weird dude. All right. Apologies if you listen to this show and you're somehow a supporter of him. I don't know how that would work. Not for me, though. No apologies for me. Okay. Apologies for me. Guess what? You're a weirdo. Okay. Episode 365, July 27. We're in the midpoint. We're about hump week. Saturday in the park.

I think it was July 27th. Boy, Jimmy Pardo just got three boners popping through his skull. They're in the rock and roll hall. Popping through his skull? Yeah, like boom, boom. It just like pops through his eyeballs. What? Up the back of his head. What's wrong with you? That's what I imagine. Why is that even happening? That's what happened. Why is that an image that you have in your brain?

They're in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Just got in Chicago. The Three Boners? The Three Boners. The Three Boners that pierced Jimmy's skull? Okay, do you think a band could have the name The Three Boners and get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Well, Cheap Trick got in there. Oh, yeah, and what does that mean again? That means a prostitute who's in charge a lot. Inexpensive. Yeah, Chicago's in, and I think Jimmy's going to do everything in his power to be there.

To be at the induction ceremony? To be at the induction ceremony. Because what if Satara gets in there and sings a song with him? After I've been through up to you, I promise to. And after all that's been said, you're just a part of me. I can't let go. Do you want to be there? We should go.

Yeah, we should go. We should go and make it so that Jimmy can't go. Yeah, we should take his seat. Two guys that don't care. We should bully him. We should meet him outside the thing. I don't want to bully him. And we should kick his ass and steal his tickets. Start shoving him back and forth between us. Hey, Pank. Pank. Pank. Hey, Pank. What are you in my books? Hey, Pank.

We're here for satire. That's the Midlands. That's how they talk in the Midlands. Oh, the Midlands. I got to get there someday. Got to get there. Got to get there. Okay, this is episode 365 from July 27. This is an episode called Bongo vs. Bongos.

That's right. This is Jason Manzoukas and Andy Daly. That's right. By the way, they were the winners of last year's countdown. Is that right? That's right. Yeah, that's right. They won for episode 300, did they not? It was quite a saga. It's not a winning thing. They were number one. Why are we doing this thing? That's true. Okay. They won last year. Jason Manzoukas, of course, people know him as Rafi from The League, and Andy Daly, who's been on this show.

Both of these guys have been on the show for as long as we've been doing it. And Andy Daly has done several characters. Andy got pretty busy this year and could not be on the show quite as much. He's doing a review, his TV show. His hilarious TV show, which everyone should check out. And is in critics' – boy, I love when the top tens come out. Top ten, too. I do, too. Because you know you're not going to be bothered with people saying, hey, you made the top ten this year. Exactly.

To be fair, some people gave me some nice notices for my stand-up special that was on this year, which was very nice. Comedy Bang Bang went pretty unremarked upon. I believe we did 40 pretty good episodes this year. I agree. There's too much TV. I'm just happy we're on the air.

There's plenty of TV. See, I don't think there's too much. I think that there is... There's enough that people can be entertained constantly. Remember back in the day when you'd be like, God, there's nothing on. Yeah, there's a lot to choose from. And you can find the things that are to your taste. But I have to say, if you're listening to this show...

The Comedy Bang Bang TV show is so funny, and I enjoy it every single week. Thank you so much. I mean, it's different from the podcast, but it's similar enough. But it's hilarious. The sensibility, I think, is the same. You know, I feel like we did something never achieved by...

Any sketch show, 40 episodes in a year. I think it's pretty easy. It's amazing. But hey, you know what I mean. And each one very, not just funny, but very inventive. Distinct, yeah. And distinct, yes. We did some things like the one take episode and the upside down episode. Anyway. Terrific, terrific guests. It's on my top 10 list. I enjoyed it. It's on the top 10 list of my heart, but not the one I published online. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. You're a Longmire fan? I feel dumb now. Longmire got so good. Blue Diamond Phillips is on there. All right. All right.

In any case, Andy Daly's review is on a lot of top ten lists, and rightfully so. That's a great show. And so they were doing this episode together, reuniting. They hadn't done an episode together for a while. And Andy is doing a character new to Comedy Bang Bang.

Which he had, I believe he had started on the Womp It Up podcast, which is a spinoff podcast of Comedy Bang Bang. The Marissa Wampler... The first Comedy Bang Bang spinoff. Maybe. I can't recall. I think that it is. I'm not sure. I don't even know at this point. I think that it is the first one, a character that was created on that show. Some people would say the Andy Daly podcast.

pilot thing but he created a lot of those characters before Comedy Bang Bang but then so did Jessica St. Clair did Marissa on stage once oh did she really yeah I saw her do it in a UCB show she had like a neck brace I think it may have been one of the only times she ever did it on stage then it's not a spinoff at all so there have been no Comedy Bang Bang spinoffs thank you very much you really led me down the garden path on that one

So this is a new character that Andy had done on one episode of Womp It Up. This is a teacher at Marissa Wampler's high school, I believe. He is the health teacher. And one thing I need to mention because otherwise you'll be confused. Talkin' Tang is a podcast that Jason Manzoukas had decided he was going to start in a previous episode. A previous episode we may hear from a little later in our countdown. I wonder if he will.

But he mentions Talkin' Tang a few times. That's what that is about. And this is it. This is Jason Asimself and Andy Daly playing Jimmy Bongos. And this is your... I thought it was Joe Bongos. I can't remember. It's both. We'll talk about it. I remember now. This is your number 10. Number 10. Please welcome Joe Bongos. How's it going? How are you? Hello, Joe. Good to be here. I brought my bongos.

You certainly did. Holy cow. This is my second podcast. I was on, what do you call it? The Whompering. And I was on that one and I forgot to, I didn't bring my bongos. And I said the whole time, I should have brought my bongos. And so now I got them. Oh.

So you were on Womp It Up. This is the person I know from Reina Del Rey High School. I know a couple of people I know. Marissa Wampler. That's the one. Yes, from the Stars program. Yeah, right. The two of them have the Wompers, and they do the podcast, and I was on that. And we had a lot of fun. Her birthday is coming up. I would imagine we'll see her real soon. Oh, she's got a birthday coming up? Yeah, she does. That's so funny. It seems like everybody's got a birthday. Once you hear about it.

Yeah, I don't know. Wouldn't that be great? Here's the thing. Every time I turn around, it's somebody's birthday. Joe, do you have a birthday? I don't have a birthday. That's the interesting thing about it. No, I mean, I don't know. Is that because you were adopted or because you just, you don't know the date you were born? It was just never a topic of conversation, like when were you born and all that stuff. It was. Your parents never talked about it. Did you know your parents? I did. I knew my parents, but we just had other things to talk about. So when you heard about the children at school talking about their birthdays, you never thought, hey, that's something I should bring up to my parents. I don't know.

It never occurred to me. It's just like, oh, you got a birthday? That's great. Hey, so he does too. You know, that's weird. Can I ask you a question? Do you have any siblings? I don't have, no. I got no siblings. Oh, only child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's way more interesting things to talk about at the dinner table. Yeah. You know, like politics and art and religion. Sure, or whatever. Diabetes or, you know. What's up, guys?

Talk about diabetes for one second. How often would you talk about diabetes? Oh, all the time. It was a constant topic. I brought my parents from diabetics. Your parents were diabetics? They were both diabetics, and we talked a lot about that. Did you ever have to inject them? Oh, sure. Yep. That's what I was supposed to do.

part of the reason I became a health teacher. I had an interest in health. How can people be healthier? Poor venous blood circulation. We used to talk about eustachian tube restrictions. That was an issue my father had. He got ear infections. Oh! Always had an ear infection, my father. Oh, wow. Chronic depression, alcoholism. He had a lot of issues. He was always trying to get into the army. They wouldn't take him.

Always trying to get in the Army. Up to what point in his life? He's still trying to get in the Army. Okay, so he's still alive. He's six years old. He'd like to serve. Yeah. Well, you know what? That's impressive. Yeah. Good for him. That's a great instinct there. He goes, what he does, he travels all around the country, sometimes all around the world, just to Army bases and just tries to lend a hand.

Well, you know, you can serve your country, and I guess the people of this country in other ways, other than the Army or the Armed Forces, I would imagine. You can volunteer at places that help others. I wish I had thought of that as a thing to advise him of at some point. That never came up. No, he's just still trying to get it done. But you never had a birthday. I never did have a birthday.

I don't know why. You never blew up birthday candles? No, not my own. Not my own. So you used to go to birthday parties and blow on other people's candles? You know how it is when you get impatient, you know, they're dragging it out. Here's what I wonder. As a health teacher, maybe you have a... I've been looking at people blowing on birthday cakes. And Jason, this must just gross you out, right? People blowing on candles. Oh, what are you, a germs guy? Think of all the spit on birthday cakes. So gross. It's gross.

Isn't it? Like what a weird, like just here's, here's what I suggest. Put the candles on a plate or something. Here's the, let me put it, let me do it for you this way. Yeah. Imagine how happy everybody is to receive a piece of cake that someone just spit all over. And now imagine that right before putting your food down in front of you, a waitress or a waiter at a restaurant just blew on it. Just blew it a kiss. Then put it down. Would you be like, Oh,

cool. I was like, here's your plate of curly fries. Yep.

Yeah, but she's a stranger. I think the test for whether you should go to somebody's birthday party is, am I comfortable eating their spit? Am I intimate with this person? Am I intimate enough with this person I'm comfortable eating their spit? Have you been to a birthday party? I've been to lots of birthday parties. Okay, so how many? So, let's see. Okay, well, I want to go back to 19. Yeah, let's list them off. This is good. Would have had a birthday party if I had my aunt. How old are you, by the way? Definitively. Definitively.

I really don't know. You don't know. I really have no idea. Do you have a rough guess? I feel like... You sound old. How many Julys have you encountered? I wish I could keep a track of Julys or any of the months. When was the last time you were in school? I have not... Well, I work at a school. Okay, well, that's true. How many years? You know the concept of years. 2015, 2014. I know that there's...

What was the earliest one you can remember? There's one Christmas in a year and there's one in a year. Okay, so you did celebrate holiday. How many Christmases have you encountered? I'm not keeping track of Christmases, you guys. This is a real problem. How many presidential elections, how many presidents have you seen? Oh, God. All right. Well, that's a great one. The first guy I voted for was John Anderson. Yeah.

Wait, that's a write-in candidate? That's like the 80s, right? That would have been, I don't know. I don't know years. Okay. Interesting. He's a health teacher. He's not a math guy. Sure, not a math guy. How many Olympics have you seen? Oh, wow. Wow.

Winter and summer. You can't get confused because there's certain, if it was easier, if it was a more sensible breakdown between what's a winter game and what's a summer game. Why are they playing basketball in the summertime? I mean, they started doing that, what, in 1988, I believe. Is that what they started? How many long jumps? How many long jumps? I guess we're going to have to just wait. I have seed 18 long jump confidence.

Okay. Okay, so every four years? 64 years? Yeah, somewhere in there. Somewhere in there. I feel confident about it, but sometimes these are semifinals. I don't know. 50, huh? All right, but like old guy-ish. I feel...

You know what? I always say you're only as young as you feel. Oh, okay. So I feel like I'm like 16, 17 years old. Oh. I got a lot. You know what I mean? I have a lot of energy. Music must keep you young. Yes. As well. Music keeps me young. How long have you been playing these bongos? I've been playing the bongos. Let's see. I found a pair of bongos under the pier and that had to be like- In Marina Del Rey? Down there in Marina Del Rey. Are you born and raised in Marina Del Rey?

No, I went all around the world. I followed my dad from Army base to Army. We were Army brats. But he wasn't in the Army. He was not in the Army. He just tried to help out. Well, trying to get in there. You would move to base town. He was under the impression that if you got rejected at one place, you could go to another place. He didn't realize it was a national thing. It's all one.

Army. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you must not have lived places for very long because he would, I'm assuming, instantly be rejected and then he would have moved for no reason and then you've got to pack up and move again. To the next Army base. He heard the expression you and what army and took that literally thinking there were several different ones. He heard the expression you and what army.

Army. Okay. Don't try and figure it out. You know what? I'll tell you right now, Joe Bargo, he's going to say a lot of stuff that you're going to need to gloss right over. Come on now. Hey, that's no problem. Otherwise, we will be ground into a nightmare. I don't understand a lot of the things I hear, and that's all right. Hey, I got a wish for you. Yep. Okay? You heard all the wishes. I did. For one year, everywhere you go, here's my wish. Yep. For you to wear a denim shirt and a white cotton pair of pants. Yep.

So flipping it, turning it on its head. I did consider for a while summer outfit. Just like turning it upside down. White jeans and a blue oxford. I like it. And then the day after Labor Day. I own it. I just have never worn it. White jeans are problematic, though. You get them dirty. Oh, especially in the amount of times I shit my pants. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Then white jeans are not for you. If you were a frequent pants shitter, that would be advice. Can I ask you a question, Joe Bongo? Yes. You found this pair of bongos under the pier. Yes. Do you know who they belong to, or did you ever see a lost and found item? There was a guy sleeping next to them, but I didn't necessarily know, you know, are those his or whatever, you know, somebody, I don't know. Now, was your name Joe Bongo at the time? No, I was not going by Joe Bongo. Okay, so this is a gnome de plume, or not a gnome de plume, but a stage name of some sort. Well, no, I say, call me Joe Bongo, because my thing is the bongos.

Does anybody call you Joe Bongo? Everybody calls me Joe Bongo. I certainly have. Mr. B over at school or whatever. This is Joe Bongo. But you're not a music teacher. You're a health teacher. Oh, yeah. I'm a health teacher. Do you incorporate the bongos into your- I don't know music in that sense, in that way of like, I'm aware that there are notes and I'm under the impression that there's sheet music. Right. But I don't know it. You're under the impression that there's sheet music. I'm under the impression that there is sheet music. When can you confirm? Yeah.

I'll get on it immediately if that's what you guys want. Because we could probably produce sheet music just in case that's weighing on you at all. That can be settled. Look, there are great questions in life that we all wish we knew the answers to and it keeps us up at night. We can answer this one for you. Because I've seen musicians and they've got the music stand and there's something on there and I don't know if they're reading a magazine. You're seeing the back of the paper. I've only seen the back

of the paper. I've heard the term sheet music. Is that what that is? Tap him on the shoulder and say, hey, you mind turning around and giving me a look?

I never thought, because I don't want to go up there and interrupt your performance or anything like that. Have you ever, did you, have you ever, did you study the bongos? Did you, did you have lessons at all? Are you self-taught? Oh, I totally self-taught. I'm an auto-didact on the bongos. I've totally, I'm just completely self-taught. I mean, I picked up a few things at the drum circles down at the Huntington Beach drum circles. So you would see and hear someone do something on the bongos, like a tip-tap-tap, and you

tap, and you go, ooh, I gotta put that in there. I can try that. Tip, tap, tap. Sure. What is the basic principle, the guiding principle behind the bongos? You hit them, and you try to do it as many times within the beat as possible. Is that what it is? Well, I don't know. Yeah, sure. Cramming a lot into the beat. Now, do you, like, are there songs? You just gotta feel it. It's really a feeling. What is it? You gotta know. What do you do? You gotta feel it. So, like, let me lay down a beat, and you show me the basic principles of the bongos.

By the way, I take requests. So any song requests you guys have, I can play anything on the podcast. Oh, that's great. That would be great. I love that. That's what I do. You're so vain. When I do parties, you're so vain. You're so vain.

Yeah, see, I just feel it. Kind of like a Martin Denny tune. I don't know that that was your song. I felt the song, and I just, you know. You definitely took on a different physicality when you play the bongos. Yeah, you hunch over, and you sort of become depressed, and your eyes start to squint really, really hard. Well, you know, I kind of put, I go into a character in a way when I play bongos. I don't know what that is. What's that guy's name?

Jimmy Bongo. Totally different guy. Totally different guy. Oh, so when you're playing the bongos, you're Jimmy Bongo. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. I just, I adopt an attitude. I adopt an attitude when I'm playing the bongos. It's great. That must be great on stage. Do you ever perform live? Oh, sure I do. I'm in a band right now. We're called Rosebush Red and it's me and it's a bunch of the students at the high school and I'm

I'm always... Oh, like a rock and roll combination? Yes, it's a rock and roll combination band. Oh, okay. And I'm the bongo guy and I put the band together. You put the band together. I've been at the school now for many years. I don't know how many Christmases or Olympics it's been, but it's been a long time because a lot of the kids have come and gone. Sure. Well, I bet some have passed away.

Probably, sure. As a matter of fact, I know, yes, a number of them have. Drunk driving? You know that it... Okay, so you know a number of them. So you have more certainty as to student deaths than the existence of sheet music. I have been alive for 33 student deaths.

It could have all been in one year. There could be one bus accident. I don't want to talk about that. Because I'm parking lot security, and it's my job, basically. It's one of my things. So you're a man of many interests or many responsibilities. I pick up a few extra dollars, parking lot security. You do, really? That's after school, or that's like right when the final bell rings, you hustle on over there to the parking lot? Great question. I'm there in the morning, and I'm there in the afternoon. Morning and afternoon.

Oh, and just like that. Look at that. At 6 p.m., you'd punch out? I could leave there. When do I leave? I don't even know because I don't have a watch. But I leave when it feels like there's nothing else going on. Yeah, there's not a lot happening in the parking lot. I just get out of there. Do you ever, like, do kids hang out in the parking lot? Oh, sure. Is there, like, a scene?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would imagine sometimes the moon is really high and just like, you know, you're there till 1, 2 a.m. Well, you know what's weird? There's different times of the year when it gets darker earlier. So you can't necessarily... We know a lot about time. Do you? We have watches and yeah. Do you? Yeah. I don't have one. Do you have a sundial or something?

No, I don't even know. How do you show up to work on time? I don't really. Just whenever it feels like you should be there. Well, yeah, in the sense relative to other people. You know what I mean? I don't show up necessarily. Do you live by the school and have binoculars and when you start to see people trickle in, you go, oh, I got to get there.

No, that would be a great idea. I just kind of, I wake up and I do what it feels like I have to do at home, which is sometimes, you know, eat something or whatever, you know, put on pants. And then I go and I just, sometimes I'm there hours early, you know. I'm there so much earlier before anybody else. Sure. A lot of the time I'm there, you know, way later. Yeah.

The pants thing. And it's just shit. Takes a little longer than you thought. Well, hey, if you don't have a clean pair of pants, you gotta go down to the laundromat. Oh, yeah. You gotta wash your pair of pants. You gotta putter around looking for, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you one question before we get to the band? Sure. You become Jimmy Bongos when you play. Well, I'll just say. Joe Bongo is your stage name. Why didn't you just pick Jimmy Bongos? What do you mean? I'm one of the...

I'm saying is there's the me that I am every day who teaches a health class and who plays bongos a little. That's Joe Bongo. That's Joe Bongo. Okay. But he sounds like a real square almost compared to this Jimmy Bongo. Oh, wow. Yeah, right. That's true. Because when I'm playing the bongos, I adopt an attitude. I become kind of like a bongo. Sure, Jimmy Bongos wouldn't be a health teacher. No, Jimmy, forget it. No way. Jimmy Bongos all day, all night is the bongo.

Yeah! One further question. Why is Jimmy Bongo's pluralized and Joe Bongo is not?

That's a great question. And I don't know the answer. Okay, all right. And that's what's great about it. And that's what's interesting about you that I'm enjoying is just like you have like a real lust for life, it seems like. Can you play Lust for Life? That's a real song that, yeah, that I can, yeah. Yep, I get it. There are certain songs you can pick out by their drums. Yep. Like Come Together. Can you do Come Together? Come Together.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, there's always, of course, Wipeout. Yeah. Oh. Wipeout! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

I'm really tired now. Wow, that was great. You can barely play one song before getting tired. I'm so tired. Yeah, it seems like you just got real tired. I'm really winded now. You laid down on the floor and pulled the microphone all the way down to you. I'm going to take a little nap. Is there a nap time as a part of this podcast? We usually don't do nap time in the middle. That would just be 45 minutes of just silence, I think. Yeah, well, you can fast forward past it. I guess so, but that's a lot of data to be putting into people's...

iPhones. That was really satisfying. You don't like iPhones? I'm tired of these iPhones all the time. Oh, are you an Android guy? No, I'm not an Android guy. He's not asking if you're an Android. I'm not an Android and I'm tired of the question. Why is everyone asking you this all the time?

I don't know, but it comes up a lot. Are you an android? I'm not an android. Because you know what it is? Certain times of the year, I wrap my torso in tinfoil just to keep warm. Keep warm? Does that reflect the sun? What times of year? It's like during those times of the year when the sun is not up as long is when it gets darker earlier. I think that tinfoil, I guess it

probably would. Yeah, that is cold winter. Yeah, Christmas is around then. Huh? Christmas is around then? Sometimes I got tinfoil on my torso on Christmas Day. And it peeks out from behind a shirt and you get all these stupid questions. Do people think you're a present and they try to unwrap you? Listen, it's been a long time since I've been unwrapped. I'll tell you that right now. Do you have a family? Do you have a partner? No!

I don't. I was married for a little while. But the problem is you cannot wear a wedding ring if you're a bongo player. So it's not possible. It's basically not possible to be married if you're a bongo player. You could just take the ring off while you're playing bongo. Wear the ring around your neck maybe as a symbol of your love. Here's the issue. Here's the issue. Yes, I was married and I had a wedding ring. And whenever I played bongos, I took off the ring. You got to. And then it's like, it's open season on me. Then you're dripping in pussy. Yeah, that's the problem. And it's like, girls, it's a deadly combination.

Let's face it, it's pretty sexy. Tobago is a sexy instrument. And you don't have a wedding ring on your finger. You're going to get fucked. But Joe, let me ask you this. Is that proper language for a health teacher? It does sound like primarily you are playing to high school students. Sure.

Sure. Most of the time. Not all the time. I do go down to the pier, but a lot of the time, yeah. So that provides a whole other set of problems if you are an unmarried man and you're always getting... Dripping in puss. If you're dripping in puss. If you're always talking tang. If you're talking tang. Look, I don't know. From one tang talker to another. You want to talk tang? Has this started to become an episode of

Talking Tank? Is this the pilot? Slowly, slowly establishing this as a backdoor pilot for Talking Tank. I'll talk Tang. If we're Talking Tank, it must be almost because Jimmy Bongos is one of the most erotically charged people I've ever seen in my life. Oh, no doubt about it. I mean, no doubt.

I'm not going to argue with that. We have eyes in our heads. We can see this. Pure sex. I'm enjoying chatting with you, getting to know you. When Jimmy Bongo's just played Wipeout, I got turned on. Thank you. If that happened to me, I can only imagine women listening intimately through earbuds must just be like Fettuccine Alfredo in their pants. Through earbuds, you think? So they're listening on an iPod, or do you mean through their ear holes? Yeah.

Hello? What do you mean? You said they're listening through earbuds. Yeah, that's what those little headphones are called. Yeah, yeah. So you're listening to recordings of him? No, the women who are listening to this episode of Talkin' Tang right now. Oh, okay. I see. They just heard Jimmy Bongo's just annihilate and must just be dripping wet. That's probably right. That's probably right. Yeah. I feel like we should end this episode of Talkin' Tang.

Really? Yeah. Okay. I don't know that his sex life is germane to why he came on the show. That's fine. Let's do plugs. No, no plugs. We're going. All right. Let's do plugs for this episode of Talking Tang, I mean. Oh, okay. Go ahead. Do your plugs. We can move on. So you're in this band. What is it? The Rosebush Red is the name of my band, and it's made up of, I'm the only faculty member on the band. This band has been going for a long time, and it just sort of cycles through other members as they graduate. How long?

I'd say it's been about 15 or 18 Christmases. Okay. So, all right. And then people will graduate and they're kicked out of the band like Minuto? Well, it's not that they're kicked out. I'd be more than happy. A lot of them are very talented. I'd love them to stick around. And once or twice.

I shouldn't say this, but once or twice I have flunked somebody in health class just so they can stick around for another year. Who's a particularly good guitarist? Well, you know what? In both instances, it's been bassists because it's hard to find somebody who wants to play the bass and forget somebody who's great on the bass. That rhythm section. It hurts to lose them. You've got to lock in that rhythm section. Yeah, you give them an F in the health final, and then they've got to stick around for another year. Is scoliosis... Wait, another year just for health class? It's happened in both cases. These are smart kids, and they take all eight.

and B pluses and whatnot. They flunked health class and that's it, buddy. You're around for a whole other year. It'd be just like a summer, like three weeks. Yeah, can't you just make it up? I am the summer school teacher and I shouldn't be telling you any of this stuff because in those cases, what I'll do is like, I'll wait right up until the beginning of summer school and I'll say, I got a hernia and I can't do it and then they cancel the class. They cancel summer school? They cancel the summer school, the health unit and then that's it. So he's out of luck. And you're the only person who would know if you have a hernia or not.

Right. There's no text. You're faking. You don't have a hernia. Oh, I do get hernias, but in the two cases where I have to. From the bongos? Is that sort of the... From carrying the bongos. We're not playing them. They're very heavy. Because you got very tired playing them. These look like very heavy bongos. These are very heavy bongos, and I'll be, I don't, you know, I don't carry them well.

I don't have a good carry. No. Is there some sort of apparatus that you could carry? There must be a bongo player magazine that sells these kind of machinery that would make it easier to... I'm not made of money. I don't have that. You're just a simple health teacher. Yeah, I can't subscribe to bongo magazine. I can't buy a bongo bag. I'd love to buy a bongo bag. There's a bag for bongos. Bongo bag. Is it sort of like Santa's sack where you have to drape it over your shoulder? I mean, it seems like it would be more difficult. Bongos are not that large. I bet you could carry them in like a large backpack.

Yeah. And then you're using your back rather than, you know, you're... I don't got money for a backpack.

You don't have money for a... Has a student ever left one in your class? This is a lost and found at Marina Del Rio High School full of bagpacks. Yeah, sure, but you got to get there real early to raid the lost and found. That's what they do the day after. It sounds like you're getting there hours and hours. All the time. Sometimes, and sometimes I'm very late. It happens the day after the last day of school. There's an open season for all the faculty on the lost and found. You got to see this. It's like fucking Walmart on Christmas Day. People go crazy. On Christmas Day? On Christmas Day.

That's when Walmart is the craziest. I don't know. I would think Black Friday. Well, that's the secret shopping day, of course, of Walmart. Christmas Day, secret shopping day. Everything's free. Everything is 90% off. They must have like guns and stuff that they've confiscated from students and stuff like that. Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. There's a gun locker and they just open it up. Hey, take whatever you like. Guns, knives, brass knuckles. Brass knuckles.

Blackjacks? Blackjacks, sure. Other weapons from the 40s and 50s? Deer gas cannons. Tommy gun. A lot of gas masks. Gas masks.

Gas masks? Sure. Why are they confiscating gas canisters? Why are they confiscating gas masks? Or does it come in a set with mustard gas? The assumption is that if you brought a gas mask to school, you know you're going to need it. Number 10. There we go. Bongo versus bongos. And if people don't know.

Andy actually had bongos that he brought into the studio. Oh, yeah. He's playing them constantly. He's playing them constantly. Yeah. Also, what you might not – you missed in this clip, Classic Charles stopped by. Classic Charles did come by. You are listed as one of the performers on this episode. I think that bugs people. That bugs people because – It's like he wasn't really in it. Because people get excited. They go, a Zooks PFT Andy Daly episode? That's great. And then you're just in there for a second doing Classic. If you don't know what Classic Charles is –

Listen to the Comedy Bang Bang DVD commentary that actually is coming out in a week or two or something like that. Is it really? But only made to order on Amazon, I think. But it will have extras and everything. This will have the, these are the last extras they're ever going to commission. Oof.

Unfortunately. They're not commissioning them for season four or five, but I'm doing it myself. And I'm going to put them out somewhere down the line myself. Well, there you go. What's the point of being an eccentric millionaire if you can't pay for your own DVD extras?

But yeah, that was a great, of course, after this clip, it gets demented when we find that Jimmy Bongo's is an entirely different personality from Joe Bongo and perhaps a murderous one at that. Oh, took its turn I wasn't expecting. But that's a great episode that I'm happy to see that's so high. I kind of thought it might get overlooked. That was a really funny episode. Yeah. A really, really funny episode. All right. We have to take two breaks. We have to take two breaks.

Me hitting you and you hitting the floor. You're breaking the floor. Breaking the floor. Breaking the floor. Breaking the floor. Breaking the floor. Oh, you're doing a little me with some butter. Yeah, I'm doing breaking the law. Sure. Parody. We need to take two breaks. We'll be right back with more Comedy Band Geek after this. Hey, guys. I would love to celebrate the holidays with you, but I'm stuck at home building my website.

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When you decide to sign up for Squarespace, make sure you use this offer code, BANGBANG. You're going to get 10% off your first purchase, and you're going to show your support for the show. Thanks, Squarespace. Build it beautiful. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tompkins. Those are two good breaks. And I believe we probably did do two breaks. I'm not sure. I bet we did. Welcome back. We've cracked the top 10, and rightfully so. Who better than us?

We've cracked them. Like it's a case we had to solve. It was a cold case. And who better than us? What are these top 10 going to be? We got to get this in the black. Scott, I feel like we're like the Sherlock and Watson of cracking the top 10. Who am I? Who would you like to be? I don't want to be Sherlock. He's so cool. I think you have to be because you're taller. And he's a heroin addict.

I thought he was a cocaine addict. Oh, I thought he was a heroin as well. Well, it's the 7% solution. I'm not sure. Which is cocaine and heroin, I think. Oh, okay. Yeah. The speedball, as they call it. Yeah. The famous Marvel character, Speedball.

Did they ever? Based on that. No, it wasn't based on that. Cloak and Dagger, though, they were- Oh, that's right. They took drugs to get their powers. They were in the inner city. Did they take drugs to get their powers? Yeah, they did. Oh, I thought they were like- That's a lot like Limitless, too. I want that pill. I want that pill. Give me that pill. Hey, analyze this. Give me that pill. Analyze this and that. There's a commercial now for that movie Joy, where I guess David O. Russell is just like-

David O. Russell is just like, I don't want to have to worry about casting anymore. Just the same people all the time. Same people. Remember, you saw this last year? You're seeing it again. Now they have different beards and wigs. Yeah, but that's the only difference. But in the trailer, at one point, Robert De Niro's like, I'm proud of you. I got to admit, I'm proud of you. I'm proud. Is that the very first line, I wonder? Oh, I hope it is. Because I don't want to see someone's emotional arc resolved in the trailer. Yeah.

You know what I mean? What if it's like it starts off with, I'm proud of you, and then he learns to not be proud. He learns to be ashamed. I'm ashamed of you. I learned. You know what I learned through this process? Give me that pill. Give me that pill. All right. We have to get to your next episode on the countdown. This is making me laugh. The idea of it. I'm going to take a drug and be smart. And that was a TV show, right? Yeah, it's a TV show. Boy, oh boy.

All right, this is your number nine. Number nine. All right, this is from June 4th. June 4th. This is episode 354. Ooh. 354. What could it be? What could it be? This is an episode called Solo Bolo Doslo. Oh, shit.

And let me explain this a little bit. The first Solo Bolo episode was in our top ten last year, I believe. And that was Ben Schwartz and I. Usually you heard from him a little earlier in the countdown. So don't be a dick. You heard from him earlier. Come on, guys. You know who he is. Come on. The voice of BB-8. Come on. Oh, I'm sad, BB-8. I got balls. Weep-boop.

I got balls. I got balls. He's got the one ball. He's got two balls. He's got a ball on top of his head. That's not a ball. You think that's a growth? This is a ball. Well, because of the shape of it, it's not like a true. It's like a half ball. It's like a growth on a ball. Half ball. It's like if you had that in your testes, if you had a BB-8 in your testes, you'd be like, doc, cut it out. Stop joking around. And fix my balls. And fix my balls.

Why did they not? They could have had me do the voice of BB-8. Yeah, why Ben and not you? Why was that not a perfect audition? I'm going to do it. I got to roll.

Honestly, I think it's the Jews sticking together, if you know what I mean. I bet you're right. You know what I'm saying, JJ and Ben? JJ means Juju Abrams. Juju. And you know Ben's real name? Ben Schwartstein. He shortened it to sound less Jewish. Oh, my gosh. Boy, if I see him again, he's going to get an earful. Of anti-Semitism? Yes. Great. From me, the biggest anti-Semite in the world.

This is anti-Semite. She's gorgeous. It's like Santa Claus where someone takes his name and then they give anti-Semite toys every year.

Well, when I hear Mrs. Anti-Semite, it's like Mrs. Claus. That was the opening to Heart to Heart. Oh, when they got together, it was murder. Yeah. That's my boss, Mr. H. He's quite a guy. That was a bold TV move. That was a TV show from the 80s. To have a secondary character. To have a secondary character, but also to hire a guy who is clearly going to drop dead any moment. Right.

We were going to make him a major character. Did he drop dead in the middle of the filming? I think he made it. It was a coach situation? I think he made it the whole run of the show. Wow. Sometimes I think about that when they're like, oh my God, oh my God, we got this amazing actor. He's 90. Yeah.

It's like Night Court went through two old ladies before they were like, let's get someone young. Let's get someone young. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven went to UTA. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you know what people said when the Entourage movie came out? Oh, no. Mr. Belvedere style. Oh, no. Hey, that was 2015, the year that was. This is best week ever.

Apollo Tompkins. What was 2015? The Entourage movie. The Entourage movie, yeah. Can you believe it? Mr. Belvedere. Mr. Belvedere also 2015. The Mr. Belvedere reboot. Mr. Belvedere sitting on his own balls. Freaks on the China. They put like a little scratching behind it. So Solo Bolo, what is it? Ben Schwartz, when he is on the show, we usually do a segment before the character comes on of just us riffing. And one day he said, why don't we do the whole show like this? And thus a Solo Bolo was born. How did that happen?

Had the first one. How did it happen? Because it was just the two of you. It was just the two of us, yeah. And was it that he suggested it in another episode? In another episode, he said, we should do a whole episode like this and call it a solo bolo. Meanwhile, cut to the first solo bolo, I say, and you named it the solo bolo. And he said, no, I didn't.

Now cut to this solo bolo, Doslo, which is the second solo bolo. I retell that story and he's like, oh, did I name it? And then I told the story and he goes, I don't think I named it. He's like, he can't get a grip on reality, this guy. I think he is detached from reality. He's a maniac. I think he's mentally ill. I do believe that he should be in a rubber room. I do believe that he should be in a rubber room. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say.

All right. So Solo Bolo is basically all they are is just me, Ben, trapped in a room, a lot of ripping. Trapped in a room. We are trapped. It's like a – yeah. It's a locked-door situation? It's a locked-door situation. Yeah. It's a locked-room mystery as well. We try to solve a mystery by the end. Is it like one of those escape rooms? Yeah, exactly. It's a long, complicated puzzle that if either of us can solve, we can get out. But instead, we just decide to do a show.

We sing a lot. And this particular solo Bolo Doslo goes off the rails immediately within the first few minutes with the second of two word stumbles I made in episodes this year, which turned into T-shirts. So this was the second of these, and you'll hear it. Oh, this was, this is the second. This is the second one. I thought this was first. It was.

You're right! Yeah! It was the first one. A plain cake! A plain cake! All right. This was the first one. You're right. So we made a t-shirt out of this. You'll hear it right from the jump here. It's one of the first things that happens. Here we are. This is your number nine. Number nine. Let's get ready to rumble! No, all joking is out. A salad? A salad?

And then it just has a picture of a salad.

The last thing you see for John Ralphio is he fakes his own death. Yes, of course. And then, of course, fakes his own death. And then he starts a casino in Tajikistan. Yes. The Parks and Rec gave me like a wrap. They gave people wrap gifts and they found... Oh, that sounds so nice for you. They're very nice. And they found some extra ones because I'm not main cast. And they're like, we actually have some for you. And so a person came by.

To drop it off. Who is this person? This person, I believe, was Mike Schur's assistant. And what is Mike Schur's assistant's name? You know what? I don't know. You didn't ask? I don't know if it was. A person drops a present off for you? Oh, at the time I did. I invited her inside and everything. Oh, really? How long did she stay? Probably two days. What'd you do to this woman? Oh, God. Can I show you what I do when I get a woman to myself? Yeah, let's go. Okay. All right, this is CBB After Dark. Here we go. All right, Benny's going to tell us what he does to a woman.

What I do, I try to get a woman in my place, try to lock that door real quick so she can't get away. Right? And then this guy pretend you're the girl. I'll be like, hey, baby, how are you? Hi, baby. I love you. I'm toxic. Oh, thank you. What do you want to do to me? Well, first of all, how old are you? I'm two. I'm this many. Two? Two?

I'm this many. Oh, baby, you know I like them young. Oh, baby, I like them young. Oh, baby, I like them young. My name's Maggie Simpson. Shit. We're back. Solo Bolo Callback. We're back, baby.

Solo bolo callback. Everybody's saying it again. Benny Schwa. Oh, tan roof. Rusted. Get it fixed. Seriously. So she comes by and she gives me the little bag of trinkets for the thing. What is it? Actually, it was a lot of really, I believe. Cufflinks? No, Nick Offerman in his wood shop made a...

uh, out of a piece of wood, he carved something that looked like, uh, Indiana. And then he stamped where Pawnee would have been on it. And in the back, it said from the crew or from the cast or whatever. It's kind of interesting. Don't you think that, that Chris Pratt, he spends so much time in Indiana, but he's signing up to spend more time in Indiana. I'm sorry. Jones, of course.

Why is the Hollywood reporter not making mention of this? That's a great... By the way, do you stop doing headlines? Let me get... Wait, first, let me tell you the prop. Then I want to play our headline game. I would send in headlines so many times to Jay Leno. I'm going to give you news items and you're going to give me a headline for them. Okay.

We'll go back and forth. Meaning what? I'm going to give you the story, and you give me the New York Post version of that headline. Okay, all right. Because that was a great one. Indiana Goes Back. So they come by, and she goes, there's one more thing, Mike. There's one more thing. Mike, Doug, and Morgan wanted you to have. She took off her beautiful breasts. Really sweet girl. And so she goes, it's in the trunk. Will you help me get it out? Oh, it's in the trunk, is it? And I was like, okay. And we take out the gravestone of John Ralphio. Ah!

And she goes, they go, they wanted you to have it. They don't, like, what are they going to do with it? They don't need it, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, amazing. So in my apartment, which is not very huge, I have the tombstone of John Raffio. And by the way, it was special effects, so it's actually like eight feet tall, right? It's eight feet tall, yeah. Yeah. They made it like a giant. A lot of real estate in the apartment. Yeah, I had to take out my fucking ceiling. Yeah. Okay, this is the story. I'm going to give you a story. Here we go. And then you give me the funny headline. All right. Okay, ready? Mm-hmm.

Inside of a zoo one day, all the monkeys got out of their cages and ate all the food. And all the pedestrians ran away. Okay. What's the headline?

Bananas no longer. Slippery pedestrians slip on out of zoo. Okay, so I made a mistake. You're terrible at this. You got lucky. This is my first attempt at it. It's a huge headline. You're so good at it. Give me anyone. Give me a different story. All right, here we go. Watch this. Engineer Sam, get off your phone. You're going to hear this. All right, here we go. At the airport. Already got a great one. Keep going. All right. Plane takes off and crashes into the Pentagon. Just shy. Just shy.

No. I will not do that. None of your funny headlines you're so good at? Yeah. I didn't think so. I said...

monkeys came out of their cages. What about a traitor? A traitor publishes secrets onto WikiLeaks and flees to Russia. America's biggest traitor. Make a funny headline out of that. Sure. Snowed in. Kids are no longer snowed in. I was just going to say. Go, the Olympic challenge. All right. The Olympic music challenge. One of us starts to sing a song. It can be any song. Real song? Doesn't have to be a real song. These all have to be real songs.

It doesn't have to be from a musical. It can be a pop song. It can be a musical song. It can be anything. The other person tries to join along, and at the natural conclusion of the other person's song, the other person has to segue seamlessly into a new song. I love this. And whoever...

stops whoever loses the line can't think of another song and if you don't know the words exactly try to keep on that's fine it's fine not knowing the words just basically all it is is just trying to this is the first time you ever played this this is the first time we've ever done can we name it after solo bolo

Okay, let's call it Solo Bolo Olympic Song Challenge. Great. All right, here we go. It's time for Solo Bolo Olympic Song Challenge. Starring Scott Aukerman and... Thank you. And Benny Schwab. Thank you so much for saying who's starring in it because a lot of times we don't do that. Of course, yeah. Well, when this is on the best of, I want people to know. Okay, good. Here we go. So do you want to start with a song or should I start with a song? Yes, I'll start with a song. Ready? Okay, here we go. Can you feel the love tonight?

Can you feel it has to be a little more than that? Oh, I'm sorry. That's good. I feel like we should. It can't go that quickly. Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata. Ain't no passing craze.

It means no worries for the rest of your days. Kunamatara. Maybe far away or maybe.

real nearby he'll be pouring her coffee she'll be straightening his tie maybe in a house or maybe by a hill

He'll be eating egg salad. She'll be writing her will. Maybe they're smart. Maybe they're cool. Maybe they went to private school. Somewhere over the rainbow.

Where up high there's a land that I dreamed of once in a lullaby. Feed the birds, tuppence a bag. Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.

I got a feeling. Woo!

That tonight's gonna be a good night. I got a feeling. That tonight's gonna be a real good night. And I feel like going home. I'm on my way. I am going home. Home is where?

I'm just about to go. I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy. No, no. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. And I say, it's all right. Don't worry.

Be happy. Everybody sing it. Bring it back to Hakuna Matata. Bring it. Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful friend.

Very nice. And that is one of the best ways to get full circle that I've ever heard. That is an improv game. Yeah, that's like, wow, that's amazing. It's an improv game we spent a long time on. As long as you always start on Hakuna Matata and end on Don't Worry Be Happy. You're going to be fine. Yeah, you're okay. Whatever you sing in the middle, it doesn't matter. Number nine. Well, there it is, and he predicted it. This Solo Bolo Olympic Song Challenge was in the best of.

I think he was kidding when he said it. And the t-shirt, I don't think he was kidding when he said it. I think he was, hearing it back, I think he was kidding like, oh boy, yeah, because we were about to do it. He's like, oh yeah, I just want to know what it's called when it's in the best of. I think he's doing that on purpose. Yeah, maybe so. But yeah, the t-shirt, of course, is all joking a salad. We made the t-shirts. I like to imagine someone wearing a t-shirt.

And explaining it to someone else. Yes. I don't know that – I don't know. I'm imagining someone has to have – if you have explained it to someone, please write their reaction to us and send it to us on Twitter and say, yeah, I explained it. Oh, let me write the reaction. Blank stare. Blank stare. Yeah. Very simple. Yep. Save you some keyboard clicks. All right. We have to get to our next episode.

episode on the countdown. We have to, guys! Here it is. This is your number eight. Number eight! BB-8! BB-8! This is episode 377. This is, I believe, no, this is not our latest episode in the countdown. This is September 21. Pretty close, though. And do you remember what you were doing in September? And perhaps what this episode could be? Let's see.

September. What happens in September every year? Back to school. Back to school, of course. But once those kiddies are off to school, we can enjoy the Emmys. That's right. And we do. And we do every year. Kids are at school so the grown-ups can watch the Emmys. Go off to school, young lad. I need to watch a four-hour show about television.

But when the Emmys come around, quite often we are blessed with people who are coming into town just for the Emmys and they want to do an episode of the show. Scott, you're absolutely right. And I think I know which episode this is going to be. This year was no exception because this is an episode called Good Night in the

morning. Oh, yes it is. Your episode number eight. All right. Tatiana Maslany and Christian Brune from Orphan Black. They are both big fans of the show. They listen to it every week from what I understand. They tweet about it constantly. I did not know this. I had been watching Orphan Black and was like, oh, wow.

Those guys are awesome. And then suddenly started receiving tweets from them. I'm like, I think they listened to the show or something. And then they were constantly tweeting about it for a while. And they were like, you know, retweeting us whenever we would tweet about the show. And it was, it was, and we, we slowly started to realize that they were fans. I met them both when they came to the San Diego Comic-Con show that we did. That's in the Howl app right now with that we did with Taryn Killam and I

Some other people. Derek Waters. Derek Waters. And also, who else was there? Me. You. That's right. Were you? Is that really who you were blanking on? You were like picturing four people on stage. You're like, Darren Kilmer should work on me. I've done 100 episodes this year. I can't remember the details of them all. Well, Scott. No, I was getting confused with the Outside Lands one, quite honestly. I kept going, it was John Gaber, sir. Quite honestly. So we both met them at the San Diego Comic-Con show. And what did they come dressed as?

They came dressed as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes. Full costume and masks. Full costume and masks. They assumed, because it was at Comic-Con, that there would be people in costumes there at the theater. This was a little off-site. This was maybe five miles away from the convention center. Yes, it was. And it was mainly San Diego locals, I believe, were at the show. Not tied into Comic-Con in any way. They were the only people dressed up. And you and I really...

I would have really encouraged them to come without telling them that. But I wondered if they also had those costumes because they wanted to be able to walk around unnoticed. I think they did, but also— Because they would have been mobbed on the floor. Maybe, although I think they took off the masks at a certain point. Oh, they would have been mobbed on the Comic-Con floor, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they came as Ninja Turtles. We took pictures with them. We talked to them. We saw them the next day. Lovely people. I didn't see them that night, though.

You didn't see them? I didn't meet them until the next day. Oh, okay. You met them the next day at Comic-Con. I met them the next day at Comic-Con, and it was like some weird holding area where I was there with the Thrilling Adventure Hour, and we did some signings, and we did like – there's this whirlwind photo thing where they have in this suite of rooms. Right. They have different photographers for different –

media outlets or whatever. Nothing that I've been invited to, but you're really painting a picture. Really? Yeah. Well, I don't understand that. But they... You were just kind of taken from one room to another and you very quickly take a bunch of pictures and then that's it. Mr. Tompkins! No one is doing that. Oh, by the way. Look here, Mr. Tompkins. The photographers are all like...

I don't know who the fuck these people are. I'll find out later. Why are you wasting – why are you making me do this? That's how I feel when I do – I am encouraged to walk red carpets a lot these days. There is – it's humiliating. It's humiliating because you see the person going up and whispering in their ear, this is Scott Ackerman of Comedy Bang Bang. They write it down to take a note of it.

And then I imagine the minute I walk past them, they go, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete of all of their pictures. No, I honestly think they're like, all right, I guess I'll hold on to this if I find out this person is somebody. You never are. But I've seen people put cameras down. It's mortifying. Cameras down, everyone. Tompkins is here. We don't have to worry about this guy. So there's this room in between where you can hang out. The in-between room.

Yeah, of course. And you can hang out there and have as many Red Bulls and Kind Bars as you want. Oh, boy. And so that's where I met Tatiana and Christian. They – like I turned around and they were walking towards me. And they – it was adorable. They had the biggest smiles on their faces. Like it was as if we were pen pals and we had been corresponding. We're finally meeting for the first time in person. Except it had been one-sided in a lot of ways. I mean, you know, we watch Orphan Black.

Yeah, I had seen the show, but I had never talked to them in any way. Maybe once on like that weekend on Twitter or something. They were the sweetest people and they were clearly like huge comedy fans. Yeah, so it's – Canadian, Canadian. Canadians, that's the only thing that explains it. There's such a – well, honestly, I really do think that's what it is because there's such a strong –

There's such a strong comedic sensibility in Canada because they're a big country with a relatively small population. Right. And their comedy scene is insanely strong for the amount of people that populate their country. They love to laugh. They love to laugh. They've got nothing better to do up there too. But they produce great comedy, but also I think they produce great comedy fans. Yes.

And we found that out when we went up to Toronto recently. Yes. Not recently, but a year or so ago. And hopefully we will be back very soon. And those guys are both very funny in their own right. And their storyline, because Tatiana obviously plays a million characters. Yeah. If you've not watched Orphan Black, you really should. It's tour de force from her. And Christian does pretty well too. Hi, Christian. Hi.

He only plays one guy. Yes. She plays like 12 different people and they're all wildly different. But the character she plays with Christian is the, is I think kind of, you could say that's the comic relief. Yeah. She's the uptight housewife, suburban housewife who was in a musical and the musical was so good. Yeah.

So, like, they have a lot of fun together because she's playing the comic relief character and he's sort of playing the comic relief character. Although, you know, he still has a lot of stuff going on. Don't want to spoil anything. It's a little dark. Don't want to spoil anything. I want that pill. I want that pill. We will spoil that he wants the pill. That's the one thing we will spoil. He does want the pill. He does want it.

But – so anyway, so when the Emmys came around, they work in Toronto. That's where they film Orphan Black. When the Emmys came around, I had been hearing, oh, yeah, they're big fans or through the publicist. Oh, they'd like to do the show at some point or something. When the Emmys came around, you have to understand when you are an Emmy-nominated actress –

and you are coming into town just for the Emmys, your schedule is packed. Yes. They pack it with as much promo as possible in order to capitalize on the availability of being there and they're trying to get your name out there as much as possible in order to maybe garner a win or at least just garner publicity for the show. And so...

These guys did not have time to do this, one would think. They put aside two hours of their day, and as they told their publicist, who's a good friend of mine, it was something they really, really wanted to do, so they absolutely made time for it. So this was the episode. They were big fans. By the way, I had first heard –

that Tatiana was such a big fan when she met Lauren Lapkus at a SAG Awards thing, I think, when Lauren had said hi to Andy Samberg and they did the episode where we all did the Hollywood facts theme over and over and over again. And Tatiana made a beeline for them and started doing the Hollywood facts theme too. So Lauren wrote to me and said, hey-

Tatiana Maslany is a big fan of the show. So that's where I first heard about it. So I knew I had to get Lauren. I knew I had to get you. And so this is an episode called Good Night in the Morning. Oh, we haven't gotten to the clip yet? No, we haven't done the clip yet. You and Lauren hadn't really decided what you were going to do before the episode. Not at all. We, I don't, neither of us had. Nor did you think you were going to do it together. No, we did not have separate plans of characters to do. But you were living separate lives. At,

Yeah. You have no right to ask me how I feel. You have no right.

This is the perfect key for this song. The lowest version. You got no rights. You want the maximum drama of the song. You have no right to ask me how I feel. You got no right to speak to me so kind. Which is funnier? Starting too high or starting too low? Because I think starting too low is underrated. It really is. I think it's underrated. Because we both were like,

Oh, boy. Should have taken that up quite a bit. So we – it was right before –

Right before we started recording. And I said, do you want to do something together? And she said, sure. And I said, what should we be? And she said, let's be morning DJs. And that was it. That was the only preparation that we did. Morning DJs. And I think you said what your names were. They ended up being Chasmin. That's you. Chasmin and Sunny. And Sunny. That's right. We talked to you guys for a while. Yeah.

For a while. You changed your voice midway. Yes, because I started doing it. There was a thing in my head that I was going for, but when it came out, because I wanted to do like- Like cheesy morning DJs. Yeah, well, there's a certain type of voice where these guys sound like they really sound hoarse and raw, like they've been doing coke all night, and then they have this morning radio show. Right. And it was not coming out right, and it sounded way too much like- Like Tom Likas. Like Tom Likas. James Adomian doing Tom Likas.

And so I- To your credit, you switched it up. It was all I could think about. It was like, this isn't what I want to do. Yeah, so at maybe 10 minutes in, you cleared your throat, and then you did the voice that it ended up being. This is a more generic sounding voice. But it was great. Look how high it is. It's number eight. No, I think the things that we were saying was funny. If I had had more time to prepare, I probably would have done a more specific voice. Sure. But hey, beggars can't be choosers.

No, and I was begging. You were all beggars. No one would let me choose. So we talked to Chasmin and Sonny for a while, and then their producer, Scarsdale, came in, and this is your number eight. Number eight. Good night. Good morning. Is it called good night in the morning because you wrap up at night? Yes. It's called good night in the morning because the show starts in the morning. Sure. It goes all goddamn day.

Then at nighttime, someone puts a cover over us so we know it's time to go to sleep in our cage. And pour some NyQuil. We do the show in a giant cage. We drink shots of NyQuil. Good night. That's right. Who puts this carpet over you? Or this rug or whatever. Blanket. No one ever said it was a carpet or a rug. Blanket is a little bit closer. But I know that there's a language difference because we're from different countries. Sorry, we call blankets carpets. That's right. Yeah.

Like your security carpet. Yeah, exactly. Like Linus. What was the question? Oh, who does it? It's our producer, Scarsdale. Is Scarsdale here? Of course he is. He's always with us all the time. He lingers. Bring it on here. All right. Here comes Scarsdale.

Hello. Hi, Scarsdale. Hello. I am Scarsdale. You have an interesting phenomenon going on with your voice here. Oh, really? What do you think my voice sounds like? It sounds like two people are talking at the same time. Do you have two tracheas and larynxes? Do I have two tracheas and larynxes? No. No.

Well, then what accounts for this strange phenomenon I'm hearing? I just sound like me to me. I just sound like me to me.

Well, it's, you know, I've heard of people with six octave voices, but you're literally speaking, I think, two octaves in two totally separate octaves. Oh, you know what it is? I'm Tibetan. Oh, I see. You're like breathing in while you're breathing out. That's right. I'm doing that all the time. Okay, very good, Scarsdale. How did you meet these two? How did I meet Sonny? Sonny?

It's interesting because occasionally, and very rarely, I have to say, you sound as if your two voices are not saying the word that the other voice is saying. Well, I don't know what you're talking about in the first place, so I don't know why it would sound... Your Tibetan breathing sort of lapsed there for a second. This guy scars his head.

He's quite a character. No, he's so annoying. We make fun of him all the time on the show. We hate him. We can't stand him. How did you get hooked up with this guy? Oh, he followed us home. That's right. We were leaving the studio the first day we did the show without a producer. And I remember walking home to the home we share. Well, we're not married, but we are roommates. Did you call him husband earlier? Uh-uh. I didn't say that.

that? No, I don't think. I actually think she did not say that. Oh, okay. I didn't. I know I didn't. Oh! Good night.

Good night. So he followed you home and the rest is history. Yes. Yeah, he followed us home, but you're not curious? Well, I am. It seemed like you were moving on. No, it seemed like you were done with hearing this story. No, I'm never done with hearing your story. However, to address your comment, the rest is indeed history. Everything is. But yeah, Scarsdale followed us home. What were you thinking, Scarsdale? Why follow these two home? I don't know.

I wanted to break into the radio business. That makes sense. So you wanted to break into the radio business. So then Sonny, I mean, you see a... I thought he was going to say I wanted to break into their home. That's what I thought he was going to say. I thought he sounded like that little guy from Twin Peaks. Oh, God.

Rewind? Is that his name? That's right. Little Rewind from Twin Peaks. I hope he makes it to the new episodes that are coming to... Showtime! Showtime! Somebody stop me. Dynamite! So we followed you home. Did I do that? You got it, dude! Not the mama. What was your question?

Followed you home and then broke into the house or just stood outside? We leave the door ajar because we're both very afraid of suffocating in our own home. Okay, well it seems like you'd be more afraid of burglars or a home invasion. I would rather be strangled in my sleep by a burglar than suffocate because I left the door closed. I don't know how you feel about it, Sunny. The same, you know that. That was a trick question. Razzle dazzle.

Well, I know these guys, I mean, have you guys heard these guys? I mean, are you in Canada? Do you know? Is your show broadcast in Canada? I think we're in some provinces. Saskatchewan. Probably Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan and the northern provinces. The territories, if you will. Oh, you guys are big there. Do you guys make fun of those places? Is that like Saskatchewan? Is that like a funny joke? I mean, I grew up there.

So I can do it. I can make fun of it. I believe that the place everyone makes fun of is Newfoundland. That's where all the dum-dums are. Is that true, Tatiana? Yes. Is it because they named their place the most obvious name? We new-founded this place. It was a real placeholder name that they never got around to filling in. So...

You guys are, I'm reading some of your press materials here. Oh, good. Oh, those got sent over finally. Finally, yes. I admit I didn't know anything about you before you got in here. Thanks a lot, Scarsdale. Thanks for studying. But you guys have, you've been on the air for 40 years. You're about to go into your 41st season. That's right. And you've been on since 1965, which is an amazing run. Yes.

Don't remind me. My feet are tired. Wait, and you stay... From that amazing run. And you guys do marathons every day. That's right. Every single day. Before you tape the show. We run a marathon. 6.02 p.m. That's right. That's right. Wait, after the show we do it? Well, it's before the next day show. It goes into the next day. Before the next day show. That's right.

I'm sure. I have a timeline question. Sure. You said you've been doing this for 40 years. That's correct. You said you started in 1965. That's right. Was there a hiatus period of 10 years where you weren't on the air? Oh, that is a good question because the math is not adding up. It's not.

It's not adding up. And people have been driven crazy by this. Here's what we do. They've always wondered what were those dark days. Wow. We do a year on, a year off. Sometimes we'll take two years off at a time. Sometimes we'll spend a whole year running a marathon. I sleep in a casket. Well, then I would think that you would be very afraid of suffocation because of that casket. It's open. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. It's an open casket. Out of respect for the family. I have a baboon heart.

But are you doing these marathons with sheets over you? Yes, of course we are. Yes, we are. But with eye holes cut out. No, a lot of people think we're ghosts. Yeah, of course.

For these nighttime marathons? Yeah, we're running. We have sheets over our heads. Unsanctioned. These are not real marathons. The city does not support these. How long are these supposed marathons then? They're the traditional marathon length. 26 point two miles. Ten hours. Scarsdale is there by the side of the road with cups of water for us to pour over our sheets.

So you're doing like a wet sheet contest as well? Well, it turns into a wet sheet contest. I always win. And every year, Sonny wins. Wait, it's yearly. We do it. You do the races daily. We do races daily. We do the wet sheet. So it's sort of cumulative. The wet sheet contest.

You tally up the points at the end of the race and at the end of the year. That's exactly right. Then we have a big banquet where we award medals. So some days you're winning, some days Sonny is winning. No, Sonny always wins. Oh, every single day? Every single day. But Scarsdale never races with you guys at all? He can't run. He can't run. He's got terrible knees. They're made of wood.

Were they replaced or were you born that way? He was born that way. He was born that way. Lady Gaga special. Lady Gaga, exactly. That's what her song's about. That's right. Lady Gaga, we play a lot of Lady Gaga on our show. We talk over it. We talk over every single song. Fantastic. Scarsdale, you were born with wooden knees, are you? Yes. Who are your parents? What do you mean, who? Ha ha ha ha.

Scarsdale's got to collect himself. He seems to be having a little bit of... It's a very emotional topic for him. What do you mean, who are my parents? Obviously, my father... Scarsdale, get a hold of yourself. My father was Geppetto, and my mother was Tinkerbell. So, from two different Disney classics...

Yeah, that's what he said. That's exactly what he said. Great, great, great. So they opened up the Disney vault and those two got together. They boinked, as we say. In the vault, I think. Oh, really? Yeah, you know who watched Song of the South? Never coming out of that vault. Never coming out. He's got nothing else to do in that vault. That's exactly right. Yeah. We used to sleep in a vault. Yeah, that got tight once we started making money. I think that's when we developed the claustrophobia as well. Maybe a little.

I love sleeping next to you. I love sleeping next to you, Sonny, my partner in business whom I am not married to. Have you guys ever dated outside of this relationship? I mean, obviously not dating. Oh, I'm married. Oh, you are married. Wait, who are you married to? Phil Collins. Ever heard of him? Well, the singer? Yeah. Oh, okay. In the air tonight? Yeah, he's there.

Every night. So he's sleeping next to you then, Jasmine? No, he tours a lot. He tours a lot. It's good for Sonny to have someone to sleep next to him. When you say tours, I know he's not touring musically anymore. He just goes on safaris. He's doing it.

I thought I had AIDS. I showed up.

Wait, okay, this is an interesting story. Sonny had an AIDS scare that lasted, I'm going to say, a good 10 years. And so you thought the best place to get it cured was Live Aid? I thought it was Liv. I kept saying, Sonny, you've got to do something. And she saw a story in the paper about this concert, Live AIDS. And she said, that's got to be the answer.

So you went. Very disappointed. Is this in Philadelphia or is this in London? Wherever it was. It was in both cities. So you're in Philadelphia, I would imagine. Yeah, I'm American. Okay, so you see Phil Collins. You think you have AIDS. What do you say to him? Help me, doctor! You think he's a doctor because he's bald. He can't possibly be a pop star. Well, to be fair, he was wearing a lab coat at the time. Okay.

His signature backstage look. It would come off right as soon as the lights hit him on stage, he'd throw the lab coat off. Well, his parents always wanted him to go into the medical industry. And this was kind of a fuck you to them. Okay. So you start dating Phil Collins. Oh, that's a nice word. Okay, so you started having sex with him immediately? Yeah.

They began a sexual relationship almost immediately. And this is very generous on Phil Collins' part. Still not sure that Sonny does not have acquired immune deficiency syndrome. First thing I told him was that I had AIDS. Next thing I told him was, fuck me harder. Fuck me.

Oh, boy. Phil Collins is a real adventurer. Real adventuresome spirit, but you know, that's the rock and roll lifestyle. That's right. I, of course, am a widower. Oh, really? Yes. To whom were you married? A woman with AIDS who died. Oh, God. I mean, that's what she told me. She left a note saying, Dear Jasmine, when you read this, I'm dead from AIDS. And you've never seen her again? Never seen her. Well, she's dead. What was her name?

Her name was Bellissima. Bellissima. Yeah. She sounds beautiful. She was. Yeah. Describe her for me, if you could. She was four feet tall. She had five foot long hair. Oh, wow. Beautiful. Like Crystal Gale, but one better. It was like hay. She had a beautiful blue eye. Yeah.

Just one? She had the bluest eye. I could see one through the air. She was a huge Toni Morrison fan. And she had a wonderful singing voice. She used to sing to me every night. Oh, that's beautiful. What would she sing to you? She would sing the alphabet.

Only public domain song. That's right. Would she give you an acronym? Like, was it an acronym? Yeah, she would. She would sing the alphabet. Then she would tell me what the alphabet stood for. Oh, let's hear a little bit of it if you remember. That's beautiful. Well, the song you probably know. Sure, but I'd love to hear it. Would you really? I really would. It's my favorite song. Oh, okay. It goes a little something like this. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, J, O, P, Q, R, S, Y, Z.

I love that. It's a beautiful song. It's such a beautiful melody. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fastest rendition I've ever heard. That's how she, well, we were trying to go to sleep. So I would demand that she sing to me every night. And then she said, hey, I've worked up a new arrangement for the alphabet song. Maybe you'd like this one. Yeah. And then she would hit me with that. Boy, I have fond memories. Every time I hear the alphabet, I remember my dead wife. So anything in the alphabet, so anytime anyone speaks? Yes.

Well, any one time somebody says letters. Oh, okay. So was watching Happy Days very difficult for you? Because they would sing Monday, Tuesday in Happy Days? No, because he would say A all the time. Oh, the character Fonzie was very cool. Yes. And of course, any time anyone on anything says U when they address someone in the second person. I would imagine going to see B-Movie was just a terrible experience for you. Yeah, but not for that reason. Okay.

That's a straight up classic joke structure. Oh, great clip, huh? That was a really fun day. That was such a fun day. It was a Sunday. We had a fun day. Winesday Wednesday. Two for Tuesday. Thirsty Thursday. Throwback Thursday as well. Thank God it's Friday. Oh, TGIF.

Oh, TGIF. Oh, TGIF. TGIF. With respect, TGIF. Later on in that episode, you should go back and listen to it, Tatiana jumps in and plays Bellissima. Yes. Chasmin's wife. And Christian played Phil Collins. Sonny's husband. Yes. Sonny's estranged husband. Yes. This is one of the only episodes of the show that I've listened to twice. Really? Yes. Thanks a lot, I guess. All right. Let's go to...

Weird slam. It wasn't a slam. What are you talking about? Why should you even listen to them once? I don't have fucking time to go back and listen to all this shit more than once. I listened to it once. You were there in the once. That's the thing. I didn't have to listen to it ever again. That's how I feel. In making these clips, I hear these episodes for the first time since we actually recorded them. You have no right to say that's how I feel.

That's the sweet spot right there. We need to go to a break. When we come back, we will have your number seven. Do you love books? The end. No. Do you love books, but you find you don't have time to read them? Well, that's my problem. I'm too busy living a life that they'll write about in books. Am I right, folks? Maybe not. Well, anyway, audible.com has the perfect solution to this age-old problem.

It's a newish solution. Go get audiobooks and listen to the books you've been meaning to read while you're on the go at the gym during your commute when your wife is talking to you. Audible.com provides over 180,000 audio programs from the leading audiobook publishers, broadcasters, entertainers, magazine and newspaper publishers, and business information providers.

Their app is free. It works on iPhones, iPad, I don't know anymore, Android, Windows phones. You can also download and listen on your Kindle Fire and over 500 MP3 players. And unlike a streaming or a rental service with Audible, ya own ya books. Ya own ya books. All right? So ya can access your ya books anytime and anywhere right from ya smartphone.

Audible.com also has this great listen guarantee. If you decide, you know what? This book is not for me. I heard great things about it. Not enjoying it. Hey, guess what? No problem. Exchange any book you're not happy with for another title. Any times. No questions asked. I mean, they may ask you what other title do you want, but that's the kind of question that it's okay for them to. Anyway, just go do it.

There are great books at audible.com, including the Bible, one of the best books because it has so many books inside of it. It's a great bargain. And just for listeners, audible.com is offering a free 30-day trial membership. Go to bangbangtoday. I think what that is is audible.com slash bangbangtoday to start your free trial today.

So if you go today, you start today. Really, a lot of times people wouldn't use today twice in a sentence. But I think this is brave because if you go today, you start today. It's not like, hey, come to our website today. We'll hook you up a month from now. No, this is a true go today, start today situation. And I salute them for that.

Audible.com slash bang bang. Show your support for Comedy Bang Bang and get a free 30-day trial at Comedy Bang Bang. No, Audible.com slash Comedy Bang Bang. But this is important. Go to Dave. Start today. Come on.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Yep. Yep. We were doing that during the break. Do you remember those? Get a job. Sha-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Get a job. Sha-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Is there a too low for that? Yeah, there is.

Oops, started too low. The great thing about trying to start too low is that you can't – you have to concentrate so much on it. You can't look at anything. Your eyes just glaze over. All you can stare at is your larynx and your mind.

Your mind's larynx. Trying to push it down. Splinter of the mind's larynx. Do you remember, by Alan Dean Foster, do you remember... Of course I do. You're President Nixon. Do you remember those Muppets on Sesame Street that were aliens that were trying to learn about... Engineer Cody Ryan does. ...earth culture...

And what they would do is they would encounter something and then they would not know what it was. And they would look it up in their book of earth things. And then they would learn the word and they would repeat it. No. And how would they do it? They would – like there would be a telephone. OK. And they would look at it. And I forget what their noise they would make when they didn't understand what something was. Like meep, was it? No.

What's that? Was it like nope, nope, nope? Nope, nope, nope, nope. Well, they would repeat. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope

Phone. Phone. And then the phone would ring, and it would fucking freak them out, and they would pull their jaws. Their jaws would go up over their eyes. What? Because they were scared. Wow. They were great. As a kid, I thought they were hilarious and also terrifying. Wow. Okay, so this has been on for a long time then. This is not recent. It's old. It's old, yeah. I don't know if they still do them. Are they making the jump to pay cable? What?

Is Sesame Street going behind a paywall? Yeah, they're on HBO now. Are they no longer on PBS? They will be. The new ones are on HBO and then it'll be a window of time before they go to PBS. Are they going to fuck on this show? They're totally going to fuck. Are the Muppets going to fuck? The Muppets are going to fuck Khaleesi? The Muppets are going to fuck Khaleesi. That's my one question, Jim Hansen. Those Muppets are going to fuck Khaleesi? Who am I talking to right now? Do you understand the

Oh, it's Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker wants to know are the Muppets going to fuck Khaleesi? Do you understand? I hope I meet him and I hope he's on the show at some point so I can play him that clip. Honoring him and his work in comedy. He'll love it. He'll love it. All right, we need to get back to our countdown. This is your number seven. Number seven. All right, this...

is the latest episode on the countdown. The most recent. The most recent, yes. And this is one week after the previous episode. How long? It's been one week since you looked at me. Bam, bam, tickety china, the Chinese chicken. Wait, one week after the previous episode? After Good Night in the Morning. So October, November, it's a wash. Oh, no one like those. No one like those, man. No one like those. Don't hear me now. Ha ha.

This is September 28th. This is episode 378. Just seven scant days later, and this is an episode called Mailer Demon. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Is it Mailer Damon? Damon. Mailer Damon, but he's- You're welcome. I understand. He's a demon. Yep. I listened to this once. The court stipulates that you've listened to the other ones once. There's only one episode you've listened to. Let the record reflect. The defendant has listened once.

This is Jason Manzoukas, who we were talking about previously, and also Nick Kroll. Also mentioned previously. Now, Jason J-Dog, Manzoukas, he's been on the show a lot this year. He was filming out of town the previous year a lot, so he couldn't be on. And he came to me early in the year and said, I really want to make a concerted effort to be on the show more this year. And we thank him a lot for that.

Because he loves doing it. He loves doing it. I love doing it with him. There's a lot of people. I love doing it with you. I love doing it with Ben Schwartz. I love doing it with all these people. The love dude is coming out of my mouth! I'm running with them two kids! I know it's Bubba Khaleesi! Fuck Khaleesi! Woo! Um...

I've done a whole 180 on this. It's good now. I love it. It's good now. It's good now. It's good now. It's good now. That's kind of a t-shirt. It's good now. It's good now. Come on.

Not everything's a t-shirt. Or is it good now? Are those moments going to fuck Alicia's more of a t-shirt than it's good now? I know, but I like it's good now. It's good now. It's good now. Oh, it's good now. Oh, it's good now. It's good now. This is the Mailer Damon, and this is one week after the previous. Jason couldn't make Good Night in the Morning. He was invited, by the way. Oh, really? Yes.

Yes, he was invited. What would that have been like? I don't know. It would have upset the whole chemistry of the room. He would have asked so many questions of Chasman and Sonny. Yeah, I bet.

Trying to force them into a weird corner. That's right. He couldn't make that one, so he came this one week later. One week later. Scant seven days later. Scant seven days later. And Kroll, also another guy who wanted to do the show more this year. I believe he is in three separate episodes this year, as well as including the recent Gil Faison and George St. Gideon. Did not want to be in my show so much this year. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

That's a good point. Glad he was making an effort to be on one show. I think I may have just lucked out maybe and hit him on a few days that he was available. Maybe. So we – Kroll doesn't often come in and say, okay, this is what I want to do in this episode. He – a lot of times what we'll do is I'll say, hey, is there anything you want to do? He'll just go, I'll think of it while we do it.

And quite often, as was the case in this episode, just something that we talked about in conversation. He was himself and Jason is himself the entire time. Crowell will just leap in with an idea for a character. Right. This one was very successful and occurred the entire episode. And this was just based off of us talking about –

wondering what those emails you get from the Mailer Damon were. Right. And he decided to portray the Mailer Demon or Damon to much success. And that is what we're— And great acclaim. And that's what we're going to hear right now. This is your number seven. Number seven. But what if Mailer Damon were to brand me? Hello? Yes. Sam, do you mind getting the door? Sure. Yep. All right, come in. Hello. Hello.

Hello, sir. Yes, I am the Mailer Damon. Oh, my God. We conjured him. We said Mailer Damon about eight times, I believe, in a conjuring. You say Mailer Damon eight times, you conjure the Mailer Damon. Yes, that's right. Welcome. Thank you for having me. You're so polite. Thank you for knocking. Well, as you all know, I am... Most people just barge in. I know. My manners are what makes me the Mailer Damon, for I was at one time the butler asked

Wait a minute. And after being possessed by a demon, I became the male demon. Oh, my God. That's why you are dressed like an old school butler? That is correct, Sir Orcanon. Thank you so much. Your manners are impeccable. And Mr. Mansoukis. Oh, wow. Yes. I have prepared an egg-free omelet for you. Really? That's one of his things.

This is a thing of mine. How does Ask Jeeves come to the Mailer Damon? Do you know this? Because you comb the internet for information? At all times, and I have freed myself up to free things up for you. So you are free to make the best of your comedy. This is actually a dream come true. So you know everything there is to know on the internet? Yes, Mr. Ackerman. Okay, well, let's ask him questions about the internet. What have you always wanted to know? Oh, man. You must know everything that there is to know.

That is correct, Mr. Hockerman, and I would say I was asked Jeeves until I was possessed by a demon. What is the distance between Chicago and San Francisco? The distance is 1.7 thousand miles. Wow. Wow, that's great. That's longer than I would have thought. So cool, and it was so quick on it, right? Yeah. It was right there. And I've gotten rid of the extra zeros so that you are not wasting time hearing...

Oh, thank you. 1,700 miles. And that's no joke because I waste so much of my day looking at zeros. Yeah, exactly. I feel like I'm looking at one right now. For if it wasn't given the time, you wouldn't have come up with that beautiful joke together at the same time.

Might I say that you gentlemen have a wonderful sense of humor that you share in common. Thank you so much. Can I ask you a question, Mailer Damon? What is that? I'm just cutting your hair slightly, Mr. Arkham, and I noticed that it could use a trim. Thank you so much, Jeeves. Slash demon. Jeeves? You call me Jeeves? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jason, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. Well, you know, Mailer Damon, we'll be right back. Yeah, we'll be right back. Hey, Jason.

He was so polite, I think that we totally glossed over that he's a demon. We literally have like a demon who can... Lemon sorbet. Oh, thank you so much. Such a palate cleanser. Wow. What do you think of Bing? Oh, Bing? Yeah. Well, I love Bing. I've used it since day one. Mmm.

I had a question I wanted to ask you. Yes? Did you cut Scott's hair because you have access to all of the pictures of Scott and know what the correct length for his hair is? Based off of giddy image searches from Scott's major appearances on red carpets and whatnot, as well as a collection of all the best earwolf photos, I have collaborated with all of my various demonites to decide what is the ideal length for Scott Hockman.

Nice. What do you got? Can you change my Wikipedia photo, please, to one where I'm not 30 pounds overweight? Isn't it amazing that the tiny demons at Wikipedia will not allow us to change our photos? Right. And it used to be an older one, and now they updated it to one that was like slightly two years newer, but it's still not a current. Isn't it amazing what technology can do?

to ruin your vanity. I guess so. Erd, let me ask you a question. Did you snip off my hair because you needed my lock of hair for some other purpose? It has nothing to do with the digital cauldron that I am doing to reverse the operations that I've created to let me rule the internet. Oh my God, look at all those ones and zeros. That digital cauldron. It's got...

Jason, I feel like he is doing something to really... I think he is. Why else would he bring up the digital culture? I don't know. I don't know why he would bring that. Do you think... I feel like we need a digital exorcist or something. I don't know what's going on. I don't know. You know, I did take an online digital exorcism course. You what? Yeah, I did. It's sort of like the Universal Life Church. When your friends asked you to...

They don't want to get a Catholic in there. Buffalo chicken dip? Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Do you have some tortilla chips with you? Yes, of course. They are all gluten-free for Scotty and egg-free for Senor Manzoukas. Thank you so much, manly man. This is delicious. I prefer gluten-free but egg-full, actually. Well, here we go, then. Oh, thank you so much. Let's not get these mixed up. Yeah, so, Jason, I took an online digital exorcism course. I feel bad.

Feel bad in what respect? I feel bad the mailer daemon is ignoring Nick. Yeah, I know. It's really strange. Nick is just sulking. Nick is sulking. It's fine. It's fine. Nick, do you want to get in on this? No. Come over here. Talk to us. He's not interested in me. No, I'm talking to you. Look. He just might not know who you are. No, he looked at me. He said, hey man, I know your stuff.

I know his stuff. Oh, of course, of course. How could you not? How could you not know? He's nearly ubiquitous in the comedy scene. Sure. It doesn't mean that I have to enjoy his work. Well, okay. All right. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Hey, uh,

I had something I wanted to say to you, Mailer Demon. Yes? Uh, you know, uh, Monsieur Huckerman? I just, I kind of wanted to say, uh, the power of Steve Jobs compels you. Leave this body. Mrow! Mrow! Mrow!

Sorry, guys. That was me. I had something in my throat. Yeah, are you all right, Nick? Oh, Nick, you okay? Yeah, no, he... You're foaming at the mouth. I was drinking a smoothie and I got like a frozen banana stuck in my throat. That smoothie turned into a hearty. No, but go on, Mr... Yes, sir.

Go on. Another brilliant turn of phrase. Yes. The power of Steve Jobs compels you to leave the body of ass Jeeves, and I cast thee back into the dark, deep internet where thy belongs. Aha. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I see what you have tried to do. Yes. What's that? You have tried to exorcise the demon that lives within me. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Unfortunately, as Mr. Jobs has passed. Uh-oh.

It was never much of a power in the underlying functioning of the internet. But he knew a lot about design and aesthetics. You have to admit that. Exactly, sir. But as far as zeros and ones, I would say the Wozniak name is the one that shalt not be spoken. Oh, okay. All right. Well, that's good to know. He just told us that. Yeah. I wonder if I should maybe repeat what I said with the Wozniak. Yeah, you might.

Maybe I'll do that. It might be a trick. It might be a trick. It might be a trick. It might conjure Steve Wozniak. Mint julep. Which we do not want. Oh, a mint julep. God, I love a nice mint julep in the fall. Oh, this is so refreshing. Oh, my gosh. This is refreshing. I'm just going to try it. If it conjures Steve Wozniak, then why not?

Hey, Mailer Demon. Yes? I wanted to say something. Yes? Well, I kind of felt like the power of Steve Wozniak compels thee to leave the body of Ass Jeeves and be cast out into the deep, dark internet where thy belongs. Nick, what are you doing? I'm just doing an impression of a dial-up. Roger Rabbit? I'm doing an impression of a dial-up. Oh, okay.

I thought it was Roger Rabbit. I never realized how much Roger Rabbit sounds like a dialogue. Yep. Anyway, I was trying to get Jeeves' Mailer Damon's attention. Oh, okay. And you just called me Jeeves. He just literally has his back to you. Do you dare to call me Jeeves? Oh, Nick, I wish you hadn't done that. I shall smite you to the realm of Alta Vista. Oh, no. Oh, no. Not Alta Vista. No, goodbye. No, Nick. Oh, God, Nick.

Nick just disappeared into his actual phone computer. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Holy cow. Blue corn tortilla chip with a black bean salsa. I am starting to feel full, but I don't mind if I do. It's like when you go to a wedding, there's so many tasty treats. Yum city. That didn't work. And Steve Wozniak was not conjured. I think we just got to lean into this and figure out what's going on. Well, now that Nick's gone. We got to go deep.

Sorry, gentlemen. I couldn't help but overhear you whispering. Oh, no. Was there something that I was not providing for you? No, you're doing great. This is a great... I love the menjula. Could I just ask you a question? Yes. As all I seem to do is serve you, why is it that you are trying to exorcise me? Well, you got really mad at Nick and you cast him into Alta Vista. They kind of don't want that to happen to us. And you're also like... Well, I like your comedy.

Fair enough. Fair enough. I'll take that. I'll take that. I love How Did This Get Made. Oh, wow. Thank you so much. And Comedy Bang Bang the Shoe is my favorite. The TV show, not the podcast. Not the podcast. I enjoy the podcast. You're like the opposite of everyone.

Yes, I am. In fact, I am. I would say it's of some concern to me that you have a digital cauldron and have snipped off some of my hair. But what do you plan to do with that? Yeah, do you have a bigger plan, I guess, is the question. You know, maybe we're trying to prevent some sort of future catastrophe. Yes, if you could just hold your chin straight, I'm just...

Snipping out some of the grays from your beard. Oh, wait a minute. Wow, you look about 10 years younger. My goodness. 58. Sorry, you were saying something. I don't want to interrupt you. No, I just can't help but feel like you're...

putting into action some sort of plan or something. I mean, I don't need to characterize your plan as diabolical. You have hairs from each of us now. I'm concerned that your intentions are not to make us look better, but are to exorcise us.

Or exercise some sort of... Exercise, yeah. Maybe I took a digital exercise class. You brought her, you exercise. Tracy Anderson? Yeah, I think it was. Hey, do you need any pubes, by the way? I'm looking to get these trimmed a little bit. I wouldn't be opposed. Come on down here if you mind.

Yep. Got to get rid of those pubers. Yep. Do you have gray pubes yet? No, I don't. Do you? Yep. Really? Yeah. I can't tell if I do or not, actually, because I'm very blonde. I don't like discussing my pubes on the air. I don't mind if you cut them. I don't want to talk about them. Whoa, yeah. I don't want people imagining my pubes. It's fine. We don't have to talk about it. You know what I mean?

what I mean? Just like imagine every other... You don't want people imagining your pubes? Yeah. Just even admitting I have them seems strange. What? You are embarrassed to admit that you've gone through puberty and have pubic hair? There should be like a menopause for men where we like... There should not be. Go backwards. There should not be. Men's rights! Men's rights! Thank you. All right, Maley. We deserve...

Menopause as well. You should talk to Bob Duke. You're going to start talking about police lives matter in a second. Puba bagel. Okay, that's where I draw the line on eating. I am not going to eat a bagel with your own pubic hair. Totally full. Totally full.

Dare you determine what I serve you? No, we're not determining what you serve us. Toil, toil, pubes and bubbles. Uh-oh. I feel like I offered him that pubes and tied somehow into the incantation. And let this be a warning to you both. Oh, it's just a warning.

If you defy the treats I provide you, we shall go to a commercial break. Oh, okay. I don't want to go to a commercial break. We've only been going about 10 minutes or so at this point. Maybe I better eat these pube bagels. I guess we're going to eat these pube bagels. Wait, which ones are these? Oh, these are gray. These must be Jason's. Yeah. I think I've got yours.

It's not bad. It's not. I mean, it's not an ingredient I would normally like to use, like kale or sprouts or something like that. It's a collision of flavors. I'm sorry. You'd like to put kale and sprouts on your pizza bagels? Not on. I'm just saying in any recipe. Ah.

I'm not a total weirdo. Do you eat a lot of sprouts? Yeah, I like sprouts. Really? Yeah. You know, I know they taste like dirt or grass or whatever. I can't remember the last time I ate a sprout. Really? Yep. What about on a sandwich or something? They're nice on a sandwich. Nick, guys, I crawl back in. Nick, are you okay?

Yeah, I was able to escape the digital realm. That was incredible. I saw just like a hand, almost like you were Cousin It coming out of your phone. Yeah. And then you just... What did I miss? What are you guys talking about? Oh. We just ate each other's pubes. We just ate each other's pubes on a bagel. And then now you're talking about spreads? Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Oh, fuck this. You're going back in? He's going back into the digital cauldron. Maybe he likes it in there.

At some point, I want to interview the actor who does you, though. Oh, yeah. The actor who plays Jason Mantzoukas. Yeah, I think that would be really interesting. Yeah, the guy's great. Yeah. The guy is talented. But I mean, I love your characterization. What's his name? Jeffrey Character-weedies? Jeffrey Character-weedies. Jeffrey Character-weedies.

Should we talk to him right now? I would love to talk to him. Let's talk to him. Okay, Jeffrey, can you set aside the Jason Manzuka's persona for a second?

Shake it out. Shake it out. Good. Okay, here we go. Jeffrey. Hey, Jeffrey. How you guys doing? Hey, we're doing great. Pretty good. What's happening? How's it going? Real good. I don't believe I've ever spoken to you on this show. This episode's going really good. Yeah, you're really funny in it. I'm really happy with it so far. I've never spoken to you on air, I don't believe. Oh, it's so weird. We talk so much in person. Yeah. But yeah, no, you're right. We've never spoken on air. This is a lot like that James Adomian episode.

Yeah, he was himself for a while. Ooh, that's weird. Yeah, it is weird. It's like when you talk to Paul F. Tompkins on the Best Ofs. Yeah, it's a little weird talking to you right now. It's not that weird. We talk all the time. Can you tell us about your background? You've come up with such a deranged sort of repulsive character. Oh, I mean, that's just Jason, you know. Yeah, but you're not... You think of him as like a real person. Well, you know, you have to. You have to think of the

person you're playing is a real person otherwise it's almost impossible to play them can I ask you a question yeah when did you come up with the egg allergy yeah it's something no one has was that the aha moment it was years guys I for years was doing this character without an egg allergy and could not get it off the ground no it wasn't sticky people couldn't get into it

But the inherent vulnerability of the egg allergy mixed with the utter reprehensible nature of the character's point of view. It balances it out. Yeah, exactly. Really, really does something. And you're not allergic to eggs. You're eating one right now. No. Oh, I eat eggs all the time. Yeah. And to answer your question, it was in a Groundlings class. Oh, they're great. It was in a Groundlings class. You know, because one of the teachers was like, find something scary.

Yeah. How long were you a Groundling? Are you in Sunday company? I never got that far. Oh, okay. You just took one class. The minute I came up with the analogy, they were like, you graduated. Wow. They don't even want you on the stage. And then you went to UCB. And then I went to New York and I started doing UCB. Wow. Exclusively as Jason Manzoukas. As Jason Manzoukas. Because I realized that Jeffrey, character Wheaties...

Yeah. No one's interested in him. Nobody's interested. It's like a Paul Reubens, Pee Wee Herman situation. Everyone says that at the Groundlings he had so many great characters, but he just wanted to stay with Pee Wee Herman. I left Los Angeles. I shed every piece of Jeffrey. And I arrived in New York as Jason Nanzukas did not look back. Now, Jeffrey character Wheaties is paler skin. Yep.

Straight hair. You have a lot of makeup on right now. Yes. And a fake beard. Oh, it's always a fake beard. Yeah. Do you want to take off the beard? I'd love to get a look at your real face. Are you going to want me to do Jason later in the show? Yeah. Yeah, but I have some spirit gum right here. So you won't do Jason.

Oh, man. You were so handsome without that. Why do you have all this? Tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe. Hello, Milly Demon. Milly Demon. You ran out of here with your beard, your fake beard. Oh, brother. Wow, he loves hair. Now, if someone were on the internet were to make

Would you like it if someone were to make a t-shirt or an image of Jason character Wheaties on a Wheaties box? Wait, Jeffrey character Wheaties? Yes, Jeffrey character Wheaties. And I think I've seen a picture of one of Jason's oldest headshots, I believe is a picture of you, character Wheaties. That's my headshot. Yeah, that was your headshot, but people have found it. But you had already darkened the skin slightly.

Yes. Slightly, but it still looks, it's in black and white, so it looks a little lightened. And you don't have the beard and you look very, very handsome. That was Jeffrey Character Wheaties' first edge on it. And people dug it up and they attributed it to you because obviously they recognize you. Luckily, I managed to put the name Jason Manzoukas on it. Right, yeah. So that now as long as it's on the internet, people like the mailer demon. They know that it's Jason, not Jeffrey. So digitally, I don't exist. What are you actually like?

I mean, you're so different from Jason. Such a good question. I find him to be a fucking drip. Yeah, he is kind of annoying, isn't he? Right? He's kind of a drip. Yeah. It's like sometimes you meet an actor who you love and then you talk to them and you're like, oh, that person is nothing. That happened to me really recently with you. With me, Nick Kroll. Yeah. Yeah. No,

No, that's fair. Oh, I got to go to the bathroom real quick. I'll be back in a second. No problem. Okay. Yes, hello. Oh, Fabrice Fabrice. Yes, I'm hello. What are you doing here? A beloved character. Are you? I'm so excited. Have you finished stocking up our craft service table out there? Yes, I put out all the tiny little, tiny little sweet cheeses. Thank you so much. I love this. And I put out everything. Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

Wait, you know Jeffrey? Hello, Jeffrey. Hello, Fabrice. Jeffrey, you know Fabrice. I do. Oh, I know Jeffrey, character Wheaties. I see this motherfucker on every set that Jason Manzoukas is an actor on. Relax. This motherfucker. Let me tell you one thing, you motherfucker. Okay, relax. This motherfucker has complained. I've seen him sprinkling pubes on my table. Wait a minute. Jeffrey, you sprinkle pubes on...

It's more an act of aggression than it is a food source. That's right. It's an act of aggression. You trying to get me fired off every job I've been on. Why don't you guys like each other? I don't care for Febreze Febreze. No, this motherfucker, this motherfucker. What don't you like about him? Do you think that he's some sort of stereotype or something of a bygone age?

That's right. He wants to put me back in 2005. But don't you realize that people still are like this? I still exist. And I am more powerful. And I am elegant. And I am strength. We all can't excel at long-term character work.

You are one of the best at it. I am. That's right. Oh, that's right. Just because he created a three-dimensional character who's allergic to eggs, he gets to live forever. Let me just ask you this. Does Febreze have any vulnerabilities whatsoever? Well, that's a good point. No, it's true. The one thing I'm allergic to is assholes.

Do you mean people who are assholes or people's assholes? People's assholes. Oh, that's got to be terrible. And I'll tell you this, Jeffrey character Wheaties is one big old butthole. That's an interesting question, though, Fabrice. I've never seen you have any sort of vulnerability. That's true. I mean, you have things that you like to do, which is poetry. When you have grown up with this voice, this attitude in the places I grew up, you big a big old wall like a bull.

Berlin Wall. Yeah, you're very defensive. That's right, the Iron Curtain. But I bet it's all because of... Underneath I'm a little pussycat. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Do you ever get vulnerable with a loved one? Yeah, all the time. I let my lovers walk all over me. Oh yeah, wait a minute. I give people money, but I am strength. I am opulence. I

I am luxury. I'm getting a weird vibe off of you two. Were you guys, did you guys ever, is that why you don't like each other? For Brace and Jeffrey character Wheaties? Yeah. Did you guys used to have a thing or? We had a thing.

We maybe had a moment. We had a thing. Maybe we had some time. We had the potential of a thing. It's interesting because, Jeffrey, I know you are a gay man, and I've known that about you as long as I've known you, which is so interesting that you play this character, which is just such...

A sex monster. Just like a disgusting... A Lothario. A gross Lothario, yeah. And almost hedonistic, almost like a Bacchanal. Yeah, and you made up all these weird stories about things done in movie theaters and flipping Vs. Flipping through vaginas. Like someone who almost seems like, if you looked at a Greek statue of Bacchanal, you're like a goat head.

Like a human head with like a goat body, like a Bacchus. Yeah, that's where I have seen. That's what you based your character on. I did base a lot of Jason on a statue of Bacchus that has a human head and a goat body. As a gay man, is Jason satire? Yeah.

That's right. The character of Jason Manzoukas is a very trenchant social satire. Social satire of what? Of current social mores. That's right. That's right. It's one of the biggest pieces, it's one of the most prolific pieces of social satire of the 21st century. It's great. You're like Banksy or something. And just to be clear, guess who came up with Jason Manzoukas? One hint, it was not Jeffrey Kabatowidian. No.

So you came up with Jason Manduka's fairies? That's right. No, no. No, yes. Excuse me. The original character he wanted to come up with was named Janice Mandukar. Janice Mandukar? And what was Janice like? Okay, she was a very interesting character. She was not interesting. She was very good. She was allergic to bees.

She had a very severe... I mean, everyone doesn't like being stung by bees, so how vulnerable? I mean... But she... She would swell up. Here's what was the thing is she loved honey. Oh, okay. She loved honey like we need to go. And I was like, boring! Boring! And I said, what about...

I was like, no, how about this? How about one of these like Greek ass motherfuckers, but grew up like waspy in like New England and he allergic to eggs. And what's he dressed like? What's he dressed like? He always wears white shirts and blue jeans. Why? Why? I don't know because choices were too much and he could bleach his shirts because of weird OCD shit. Yeah.

But it's like a Pee Wee Herman costume for him, right? Exactly!

Oh, good stuff. Number seven. Number seven. And that, by the way, speaking of top tens, I should be just happy with what we got. Vulture was very nice to call Comedy Bang Bang the podcast, the best comedy podcast of the year. The number one. That's very true. And they said that this was the best episode of the year. So they voted for this as their number one. This is yours. They were so close to being correct. Number seven. Not that close. Well, I'll

Jack and Jill had a great time at it. The well. Worked out for them, didn't it?

No, it didn't. Are you familiar with their story about the well? I mean, they got famous. Oh, that's all that matters. That's what it's all about, baby. Your generation. All you care about is going viral. Yeah. Listen, my name is Birdman. Yeah. And I'm against you. Hey, they're the original going viral, baby. Oh, shit. Nursery rhymes are the original going viral. Nursery rhymes are the original going viral. That is a t-shirt. That is absolutely a t-shirt. It's good now. Do you think a t-shirt is that is a t-shirt? No.

Maybe. Let's experiment. How mad do you want to get with this dumb shit? I don't know. That is a t-shirt. That was a lot of fun with those guys. I really enjoyed doing that. And we're going to end at this point. We're going to... It's very sad. It's Christmas Eve in Hollis, Queens. Once cooking chicken and collard greens, though. I will say that. At one point they say in that song, when they describe all the... I do think songs are movies. I do think they're little movies you can't see. If they paint a...

great enough picture. They're little movies you're listening to through a door. That's what songs are. That's what songs are to me. That's what songs are to me.

They talk about all the different things that indicate it's Christmas. Sure. And one of them is the hawk is out. What does that mean? I don't know. It may be something specific to their culture, perhaps. To their culture? To their curious and unique culture. I will say that's how I learned what collard greens were when that song came out. From that song? Yeah, from that song. Yeah, I was like, what are they saying? Collard greens?

Collared beans? What's a collared bean? A bean with a collar on it. Yeah, so I looked it up. Picture a bean wearing a little jacket, a cream-colored jacket. I

Who's this guy? Oh, this is a fellow. He comes from- A fellow? He comes from- My name is Arthur Fellow. Abernathy Fellow. Abernathy Fellow. A fellow. I like to imagine a bean wearing a cloak or a cream-colored jacket. Is it Dr. Fellow? Is it Mr. Fellow? It's Professor Fellow. Professor Fellow, really? It's an honorary title. Oh, okay. Bestowed upon by you? Yes. Okay, can I ask why- I wrote a letter to myself addressing myself as Dr. Professor Fellow. Like the WGA, copywriting something. Yes, hello. Oh.

Why are you wondering about this? Why are you thinking about this? Well, because I like to put a face to my food. You see, it feels as if I... You're actually eating something alive? Yes. And killing it? Yes, because it's forbidden to do so. I see. You mustn't eat living things. Can I just say that you are a weirdo? Is that your... Well, that sounds like a t-shirt to me. That was a song.

That was a movie. It was a movie you're listening to through a door. All right, we got to go. All right. All right. This is Christmas Eve. Have a great holiday. We're going to be back here on Monday with part three of the countdown, and we're going to take you out. We're going to play the Solo Bolo Olympic Song Challenge. We're going to play someone set that to music.

Oh, good. A backing track with strings and everything. So we're going to play that on our way out. They hired an orchestra. A 90-piece orchestra. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Hakuna Matata.

What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata. Ain't no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. Hakuna Matata. Be far away.

Or maybe real nearby He'll be pouring her coffee She'll be straightening his tie Maybe in a house Or maybe by a hill He'll be

Eating a salad. She'll be writing her will. Maybe they're smart. Maybe they're cool. Maybe they went to private school. Somewhere over the rainbow. Where the pipe went.

There's a land that I dream of once in a lullaby. They feed the birds, Toppinsabat. Toppinsabat.

I'm the lily, I'm the lie, I'm the lily-

Home is where?

I'm just about to go. I shut the shut.

But I did not shoot the deputy. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun and I say it's alright. Be happy. Everybody say Hakuna Matata.

♪ What a wonderful race ♪

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