Best of 2015 Pt. 3
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By the power of Merlin Streep, I podcast you out, Matt Demon. Interesting. That was a catchphrase by Soda Pop Cat. Soda Pop Cat. Now, that's interesting. Now, I want to know more about this Soda Pop Cat. That's the show. Is it a cat who likes Soda Pop, or is it a cat made out of Soda Pop?

Oh, man. Oh, that would be so delicious. To drink a cat? Is it just like a cool guy who likes soda pop? Maybe jazz, jazz, jazz. By the way, we've been talking a lot about Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes. Yes, we sure have. We've been singing quite a bit of his work over these past few years. By the way, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We've been singing a lot. Someone alerted to me, is this true that the style of music in the original Star Wars that Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes plays is jizz?

What are you saying to me? I think that in the Star Wars, like, press materials and all of that. No, no. They called it jizz. There's no fucking way. I'm going to look it up. I'm going to look it up. I'm going to look it up. Cantina band jizz. I refuse to believe. I'm going to look it up. Cantina band jizz. Oh, I did not expect that. Ha ha ha!

Uh-oh. I'm glad that we're sitting on opposite sides of the table, so I cannot see what you're seeing. Listen to this. Jizz was an upbeat swinging genre of music, most notably performed by Figrin Dan and the Modal Notes. Oh, most notably performed by them? And the Max Rebo Band. Subgenres of jizz included the styles of jizz wall...

Abade and Glitz. Also, Jats was slightly similar to Jizz. How does Jats sound somehow filthier than Jizz? Yeah, Jats. I'm going to Jats, babe. I'm going to Jats. Stop it. I'm going to fucking Jats. That's from Wookieepedia.

Yeah, well, they can go fuck themselves. How is it spelled? J-I-Z-Z? J-I-Z-Z. Come on. Come on, guys. I think the slang term jizz was not popularized back in 1977, perhaps. Sure it was. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? I think that's George Lucas being like, I think it's funny that they played jizz. I would...

I can't. I don't think. I don't like this. I think Lucas is a nerd who had never heard that term before and was like, oh, it's funny because it's like jazz. But do you think somebody played a trick on him? Like somebody called it jizz and he was like, oh, that sounds good. I think it was someone playing. Why is this the accepted impression of him? Oh, hello there. I'm James Lucas. Of course I thought I was mortified. Yeah. I mean, it's all a brief history of Star Wars and jizz from BuzzFeed is something that just came up.

It's crazy. Hey, BuzzFeed, take an hour off. One hour. You didn't need to make this list. One hour out of the day. You didn't need to make this list. Oh, my gosh.

Anyway, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We are here for another week and we're counting down your top episodes of 2015. Your top Comedy Bang Bang episodes of 2015. Agreed. And on the show today, we're going to do six, five, and four. We're going to do six, five, and four. And these are good eps, I got to say. I have to say, these are good ones. Yeah.

They are... What was Harris' joke? Omar... It's like Omar and Mike taking out the trash. They're good eps. That's right. We may hear from him a little later. And I have, of course, Paul F. Tompkins. Hi! Have I introduced you yet? I'm Scott Aukerman. No, I am a stand-up comedian. You're a figment of my imagination as well. That's right. I encourage Scott to be a good boy. Yes. It's interesting. I...

I have never listened to this podcast back. I imagine it's just me talking and then short bursts of silence before I try to interrupt the person again. A little background on me. I am a bug wearing a top hat. And you're a singing bug as well. And always let your conscience be your guide.

Oh, I'm no fool, no siree. I'm gonna live to be 103. I ate the heart of all my enemies. I have the power and their intelligence. What's that? That's me imagining you. Yes, Paul F. Tompkins, you... I got no strings to hold me down. If people are listening to this for the first time, they just got their new iPods on Christmas, explain who you are.

My name is Paul. Yes. I'm a comedy person. Yes, queen! I do stand-up comedy. I do TV hosting of comedy show. I do... TV hosting of comedy show. This is getting very Hollywood handbook. I do TV hosting of comedy show. It's good now. It's good now, t-shirt.

I have my own podcast here on the Earwolf Network called Spontaneanation where I do more comedy things. And I do on Comedy Bang Bang from time to time, I do comedy character. Both with K's comedy character. A cavalcade of comedy characters. Triple K, hooray! Yay, finally! Ring that bell, jump for joy, white man's day is here. Jesus, no. It's not that kind of a show. Not that kind of a show. While we were working on...

Mr. Show. I want to say this was the third season. Yeah, this was before I got there, yeah. When I was on the outside looking in. We had seen some documentary. Like in trading places looking at those old guys eat. That's right. And remember I was eating a salmon through my Santa Claus beard? Yeah, of course. That image of...

Dan Aykroyd eating that salmon, that raw fish through his beard and like the strands of beard are getting in it. Is that? It haunts me to this day. It makes my teeth hurt. Oh, everything about it. It's so bleak. Putting cotton through your teeth. Going to the dentist. Cotton if you're lucky. Yeah. Cotton if you're lucky. That's another t-shirt.

That more applies to the t-shirt, I think. Yeah, that's true. Well, it's pointing at itself. But the Earwolf t-shirts are well-made, are they not? They are. They're very well-made. Cotton if you're lucky. Um...

What the fuck? I don't know. What the fuck? We're talking about Santa. Oh, yeah. Mr. Show. Mr. Show. Yes. Ring that bell. There was some documentary about white supremacists, and at some point they sing this song that begins, ring that bell, jump for joy, white man's day is here. There's no way I could even begin to tell you the rest of the lyrics. Right. Some of the most hateful, maybe the most hateful stuff I've ever heard. Meaning you've committed them to memory, but you're just not going to say them? Absolutely. Burn.

into my brain forever. Forever. And the worst part is sometimes that will get stuck in my brain on a loop. But this is a hauntingly beautiful tune. When you can separate the lyrics. I don't think it's beautiful. It's very joyful. Yeah.

I forgot about Max Rebo, who was the plush toy from Return of the Jedi. Really? Just that blue elephant thing.

let me look him up. I'm not sure if I'm remembering him. Max. He plays the keyboard. Oh, that dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just, oh man, he looks so huggable.

The Huggable. Plushable. Max Rebo. Toy. Toy. The Toy. Hi, I'm Max Rebo. Won't you like to hug me for a good night's sleep? Won't you want to take me home? I'm Max Rebo. Wouldn't it be nice to have me in your bedroom late at night? I play around next to that, like, long penis-lipped singer. Yeah, it's like noodles. It's like...

Is that what her name is? That's right. She's got a big penis and then lips on the end of it. It's like a real live skin flute. It's like, what if a vagina was on the end of a penis? That's what her whole thing is. That's the miracle of life. Yep. Here in the Star Wars universe. Hey, welcome. Do they call it the Star Wars universe, do you think? No, well, you saw The Force Awakens. Sure. And there's a point where Han Solo says, I haven't seen anything like this inside of the Star Wars universe. Yeah.

They all look around and go, man, these Star Wars. Can I confess to you? Yes, please. A weird reaction. Yes, my son. A weird reaction that I've had. Here, stick out your tongue. I'll put the communion wafer upon it. The communion wafer, the Holy Eucharist. The Eucharist compels me.

Is that something? That's right. No, that is something. It's a t-shirt. Yep. The Eucharist compels me. That's a t-shirt. When I was watching Star Wars The Force Awakens, the character of Rey. Episode seven. Played by Daisy Fuentes. Oh! Daisy Ridley. Yep. I guess this speaks to where I am in my life. Mm-hmm.

that I felt very paternal towards that character. Oh, you're like, watch out, hon. Well, it was not so much that I was worried for her. I was proud of her. Oh, yes. Isn't that weird? Yeah, I understand. Like, she's a beautiful young woman, but I wasn't having... You weren't like, oh, man, I'd love to be John Bogiello. Yeah, I wasn't having a crush on her. Yeah, yeah. It was more like, I'm proud of you. Yeah. And I was like, I would like to walk her down the aisle. Yeah.

And I hope you do. Wouldn't that be weird? If you're out there, by the way. And by the way, if Tatiana Maslany is a fan, maybe she is. Tatiana, if you get married, I would be honored to walk you down the aisle. Yeah, but first, Daisy Ridley. But that's where, well, look, they're all my daughters. That's how I feel about it. They're all my sons. All these young, no, no sons.

I don't feel paternal. You know that reference, don't you? All my sons from the play, All My Sons. Never seen it? I believe the last line. Never seen it. I'm not familiar with it. They were all my sons. Is that truly the last line? I think it was. Yeah. I believe it is. It's right before he's let off to jail. Spoiler alert. That's a big spoiler. Yeah. Also, I don't know who is let off to jail. For war crimes. Is it their dad? Yeah. All the son's dad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he, spoiler alert, he made his riches...

during the war selling like shitty parts for planes that, uh, that all fell out of the sky. During World War II? During World War II. And he did this on purpose. They were purposely... Yeah, on purpose to make more money, he like did shitty parts and, uh, then, you know, it's, it's a family reunion and I, I,

It's a family reunion. I haven't seen this in 25 years, so I may be getting some of the facts wrong. But I believe all of his sons come back and they're like, dad, you're a shitty dad. And then he realizes that all of the kids who died in World War II were his sons. And he should have felt paternal towards them and not had done what he did. I'm sorry. Who? Who? Who?

What did it take for this guy to feel that way? Maybe one of them committing suicide. I don't know. It's one of those big, like, you know, everyone yelling at each other plays. That was a very popular style for a while. You know, like, let's get everyone in there, like, Long Day's Journey into Night. Let's get everyone in a room and have them yell. Everyone gets a speech. Yep. An actor's dream. Oh, speeches. And by the way, it is not an actor's dream. When you get a big monologue in something...

Are you ever like, oh boy, I cannot wait. No. You know there's actors who are fucking thrilled. I'm sure there are, but when you get the pages, aren't you like, oh fuck, I gotta learn a monologue? God, I'm a fraud. Of course I have that reaction. As am I. We're all frauds, dear boy.

All right. What are we doing today? I don't know. But sorry for spoiling all my sons. Yep. Sorry about that. But it's better than Star Wars spoilers, ain't it? But it is true, though, that I don't feel paternal towards any actors. Yeah. Young men. I don't feel that way at all. No, no. It's only young women that I feel like, good for you. I'm proud of you. It's because they've been underrepresented in certain genres of film. You know what? I think you're fucking right. I think it's because we're seeing more...

characters who, you know, someone who's not just going to be a person who's like, oh, I'm going to run around. You know what else? Also because I was a young man and like gross. When? You fucking got me. I've known you for 20 years. I don't think you've ever been one. My life. All right, Grandpa. Speaking of your life, let's hear a little bit of it. I'm wearing a grandpa sweater too. You are. All right, let's get to it. We're counting down your best episodes of the year and this

Oh, God. This is episode six. Number six. Cheers. Cheers. All right. This is episode 349. This is two before the first episode. No, no, no. Not the first episode, but two before the CBB the movie episode that we heard earlier. Okay. This is May 4th.

May the 4th be with you. 4th day they call it. Star Wars day they call it. I'm going to force you to hear about Star Wars today. That's how you interpret it. Yes. This is the 6th anniversary show. The 6th anniversary show. A big milestone. Big milestone. We've been doing the podcast for 6 years at this point. That's what that means. Yes.

And this – OK. Here are the stars on this episode. Hey, shut up, Scott. How do you determine – How many years we've been doing it? Well, I look at the sun. No. Is it the anniversary of – it's the anniversary of the very first episode being released? Yeah. Well, it was live. The very first episode was live. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah. It's basically the final –

Monday in April or the first Monday in May. Somewhere around there. Do you remember the exact date of the first one? I believe it was April 30th. It might have been May 1st. Okay. And six years since that first one, does that... Do tell. Well, I'm going to ask. Oh, okay. Oh, please. Yeah, do ask. Thank you. Um...

Is that significant to you? Like is it amazing to you that you've been doing it six years? I think so. You know, when I was doing the old – Oh, boy. Forget it. I sneezed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I sneezed. I'm a human being. I'm sorry.

With a coat on. I'm a human being with a coat on. Do you want me to apologize? Like, what's your name? Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas? Yes, please. You know the scene I'm talking about? Yes, go ahead. I'm sorry.

I think when I was doing the old Comedy Death Ray live show, I remember at the second anniversary, I was kind of saying, oh boy, that's about all I got in the tank. Really? On that, yeah. And then I remember we did the fourth anniversary and people were chanting four more years at the anniversary show. And I was like, God, I hope not.

And then – God, I hope not. I just – it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. But those live shows especially. Those were a lot of work for not – I mean I guess you can say there's a ton of reward in the sense of I got to laugh and hang out with people. Yeah, but it's a different – it is a different thing because the live shows –

It's night and day from doing the studio version. Night and day, you are that one. Sinatra, you are that one. I got to change it. Listen, baby, I make it my own. I'm an unpleasant guy with a beautiful voice. I'm going to let you know about it. Get tired, creep. Instead of hiding it, I'm going to flaunt it.

I can't remember if this was... Happy hundo, Frankie. I can't remember if this was an actual thing that Sinatra said or if it was my friend...

Tony. Tony. Imagining a Sinatra type thing. Right. Like he would tell somebody to sit down by saying, get tired, creep. No, that is not a thing. I love it though. It's great. Get tired, creep. It seems like a Rat Packy thing to say. I do. I do like his vocal flourishes in some songs where he'll end a song with a very curious turn of phrase that's not in the lyrics. My favorite being

in the song. It's on the come fly with me, uh, album, which is thematically all about going to different, you know, uh, ports of call. I'm sorry to be sniffing. And no problem, no problem. Um, and, uh, there's, you can use this if you like, uh,

Oh, that piece of printed paper? Printed paper! That'll be pleasant upon your nostrils. That's my Star Wars ticket. It will be pleasant upon your nostrils. But on the song, it's so nice to come... You're so nice to come home to. No. You'd be so nice to come home to. It's so nice to go traveling. It's so nice to go traveling, is that it? But it's so much nicer. Yes, it's so nice to get home, is what he's saying.

He ends it by saying, take off your slippers, put on the fire. So things like this of like, oh, this is going to be fun to do. And then he ends it with, make a pizza. Oh, wow.

Make a pizza. Which is so much work. Yeah. So much work. I mean, maybe he had a wood-burning oven, and presumably he had a staff. Sure. Oh, I forgot. He was singing this song to his staff. To his staff, yeah. Make my pizza now. Jizz. Still love it, and I sing it all the time, and Cool Up laughs at it every time she hears it. So, hey.

All right. This is the sixth anniversary show. Listen to the stars on this. We have Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Neil Campbell, Mike Hanford, Joe Wingard, Paul Scheer, Aaron Whitehead. Wow.

An amazing assemblage of comedic talent. And this is one of our – when we do the anniversary shows, I get a lot of people, a lot of comedians here. And, you know, we sort of do it in 15-minute shifts, you know, like, hey, here's your 15 minutes to shine. And people are encouraged to stick around the entire time if they want to. You always do that.

I believe in this one you were playing Cake Boss and Lauren was playing Ho-Ho, which is a new character that she started this year. That's right. Whom we will hear from a little later in the countdown. That's right. She's Santa's naughty elf. But I want to highlight three other characters on this episode for their inclusion. Two of them were created just for this episode and they've gone on to be –

No, I'm sorry. One was created for this episode. Two have been created this calendar year. And this is the only time we'll hear from them, but they've popped up in episodes. And then there was one who was on one episode previous. So what we're going to hear is you'll hear Cake Boss, myself, and Ho-Ho. We're going to meet a new friend, Neil Campbell, playing a gentleman named Maxwell Keeper. That's right.

A fan favorite is safe to say. He's just a guy who works at Longo Watch Repair in Florida, right? So we're going to hear the entire first appearance of Maxwell Keeper. We're also going to hear a new friend that we met this year. It's Mike Campbell. Mike Campbell. It's Mike Hanford. These are my employees, by the way, that I see every day. Your staff. Make me a pizza. Make a pizza. Cheers. Cheers.

I wish he would end with jizz. Jizz. There's no one better to end a song by saying jizz. I think he said jizz on stage. It's up to you. New York, New York. Chicago jizz. Okay. Okay. Is that a t-shirt? Chicago jizz. So...

We have Mike Hanford playing John Lennon, who I'll explain him. He came on in the American football episode in January. Mike Hanford does a passable John Lennon, and his backstory is that— A serviceable John Lennon. A gentleman's serviceable John Lennon. Another fan favorite, and this is his second appearance. In his previous, he explained that he was dead for five years and decided not to be dead anymore. And then he's been—

He's just been hanging out for the last 25 years or so. Or 30 years, just kind of hanging out and asking people not to let anyone know that he's alive. Yeah, including his wife, Yoko Ono. So we'll hear from him. And then we will also talk to Brad Hammerstone.

Joe Wengert as Brad Hammerstone. Yes, yes, yes. His first time he was on the show the previous year, he was doing a character who is a real man's man who you then find out is a duck. That's right. And in this one, he's playing a particular duck and it takes me so long to catch on as to whom he is playing. So let's hear that. This is your number six. Number six.

And I have a great person to introduce here on the show now, new to the program. Do you want to introduce yourself or should I just say? Yes, it is I, the timekeeper. Of course, the timekeeper. Welcome to the show. Yes, yes. I observe and celebrate time.

Yes, of course you do. And I was so excited to be here, to know that you are here celebrating the passage of time. The sun has, or we've revolved around the sun, I don't know how. Yes, the earth has revolved around the sun six times. Good work, Copernicus. How many times does the moon do it? A million. A million.

That seems inaccurate. It was really fast. Yeah. I've been around longer than all of you guys since Native Americans. Yeah, have you observed... How old are you, Timekeeper? I am 31 years old. You have such an ancient, aged voice. Oh, yes, and I wear this midnight blue cloak with a starfield lining. Yeah, why are you... I mean, but you're just a guy. I thought you were like in your 50s, maybe. I thought you were 85. No, no, I'm...

31 years old. Okay, well, welcome to the show. You're just a dude. I observe time. I celebrate time. I work in my brother-in-law's watch repair store. Oh, is there a lot of call for that these days? Oh, yes, yes. People get their watches repaired. Not a lot of people watching wearers. No, wearing watches, though. Oh, there are businessmen and status symbol seekers. They love having a time

piece upon their very wrist. Like James Bond or something? Yes, yes. And then when it's in for repair. The most famous watch wearer in history. Every time there's a new James Bond movie, it seems that's when I see the most watch ads. And it's always like him wearing it. You know what I mean? I never see watch ads until every three years when a Bond movie comes out.

Yes, so when they have their watches in for repair, I call them to let them know what time it is regularly. That's what makes you the timekeeper? Well, no, that's just how I pay my bills, but I'm more the timekeeper in a general sense. Wait, but so this is part of the service that you and your – who are you with again?

My brother. Your brother-in-law. Brother-in-law, yes. Brother-in-law. Desmond Longo. Okay, are you married to Desmond's sister? No, he's married to my very sister. Oh, who...

Did she change her name to Longo? Yes. Oh, that's nice. What was the maiden name? Keeper. Wait a minute. Her name is Eleanor Keeper. Oh, okay. What's your name? Maxwell Keeper. The time.

Oh, okay. Very good. Very good. Thank you. Thank you. I thought it was going to be Tim E. Keeper. I wish. I asked my parents if they could change it, and they said that was something I had to take care of myself. Why didn't you do it? Yeah, you just go to the courthouse. I wish I had the time.

That's ironic. That's very ironic. Yes, I've spent all my time observing. I leave none for myself. Right. So you and your brother-in-law are at this, and that's part of your duties at the shop? He repairs watches, and while people have their watches in for repair, I call them regularly every 10 minutes or so to let them know what time it is since their son's watch. What time is it? What time is it right now? Right now? Let me check the sun. Wait, this is how you're doing it?

Is this why you say 10 minutes or so? Because it's inaccurate? Yes, yes. I look every 10 minutes of sun time and I call them and I go, well, it's now 310. You're in a watch repair shop. There's plenty of watch. That's the least reliable place to tell a time. Hey, Scott Oxenberg, shut up for a second.

Timekeeper. Can we role play one of these phone calls? Like, let's say I'm a customer. I dropped off my watch at Longo. This is exciting. This is like watching an improv show. Yes. What? What are you talking about? Improv show? No. Neither of you? Neither of us. Oh, you say neither. You're...

He's a fancy guy. He's got a cloak. I want to be the receptionist. Oh, okay, yeah. Let's all get it. I drop my watch off, and so you're calling me every 10 minutes to tell me what time it is. Yes. All right, so the phone rings. Hello? Hello.

time store. I have Maxwell Timekeeper. No, it's the timekeeper. Put him right through, please. Oh, what's that? I hear some chattering in the background. I have the timekeeper on the phone for you. Yes, please put him through. Okay. Yes, hello, timekeeper? It is now 9.20 a.m. Honey, who are you on the phone with? Hold on a second, that's my wife. Honey! Who are you? Who's that?

Is it for me? No, dear. I'm talking to the timekeeper. My watch is still in the shop. Who's the timekeeper? He's the guy who calls me every ten minutes. Did you take those boxes up from the basement like I asked you to? Yes, dear. I asked you 20 minutes ago. Have you done it? Yes, I got two phone calls, so I know for sure. So it's done? It's done. Completely? Excuse me. The timekeeper doesn't have time for this. Oh, I'm very sorry. Would you like to talk to him again?

Yeah, I guess in like nine minutes. Okay. Very well. Very agreeable.

I'll sit and perform one of my favorite activities for nine minutes, staring. Wait a minute. So this is the only client at the Broken Watch factory? No, no, no. I would think you'd be doing this every single minute or so. This was a role play of the first customer of the day. He probably says that to make the customer feel like they're the only customer that matters. But in actuality, how many people are you calling? Oh, upwards of four a day. Oh, my goodness. Yes, and...

Scott. Yes? I'm getting emotional. Oh, stop crying. Okay. Tears I'll wipe away or suck back in. Oh, how did you do that? Just practice. Really? You can practice to do that? Practice makes perfect. Oh, well, that's a great point. Cake Boss, you should make a cake that can suck back its own tears. So first I have to make a cake that cries? No, T-I-E-R-S. Oh.

And that's been Riddle Me This. Riddler. Oh, this is a good song. Riddler. That was a good song. That's a good song. Oh, another edition. Oh, my gosh. Now we have two That's A Good Songs. Yeah. Anyway, what were you saying? Oh, six years is one of my favorite amounts of time. Oh.

Really? Why six years? Oh, just so much can happen in six years. A child could age from zero to six.

That's true. A sports team could develop a dynasty. Oh, like I'm trying to think of one, like the Showtime Lakers? Yes. Okay. Yes. So much could happen in six years. It simply is one of the greatest amounts of time there is. How did you arrive at six years being one of the greatest units of time? It's just how you have a favorite character.

color, a favorite direction for the wind to blow. It's just one of those things everyone has. Well, mine's east. Yes, I'm south-easterly myself. Mine's up. Oh. What's up? What's going on? God, actually, you don't have a favorite direction the wind blows? Or a favorite amount of time. Okay, well, let me think. Remember in the Seven Year Itch when Marilyn Monroe's dress...

Went up. Yeah, Ho-Ho already set up. Seven years, another great amount of time. Yeah, sorry. That's been taken. I said my favorite direction was up. Yeah, so you're copying Ho-Ho. No, you were just talking, I thought you were talking about your favorite Pixar movie. Yeah, I like that too. Okay. You probably like that first ten minutes, right? Yeah. That's your favorite part? I like the first part where the lady dies and everyone's sad. The part where

Where everyone's happy, the dog talk sucks! But it is your favorite movie. Yeah. Timekeeper. Yes. Yeah, Cake Boss. Do you have a least favorite unit of time? Oh, definitely. 12 minutes. What? 12 minutes? Yes, I've never been fond of 12 minutes. A real NBA quarter, I call it. Yeah, so you're a basketball fan, I'm getting. Not likely. Okay.

Wait, yes or no? No, it didn't be a quarter. I hate. But you, this is the second basketball reference you've made. It seems like it's on your mind a lot. Yes, tis. Oh, fuck.

I shan't remember that. Where did you go to school? Did you graduate from high school even? Yes, Tallahassee High School. Did your classmates like you or were you annoying? They hated me. I was voted most likely to be the timekeeper. Is that because you walked around saying you were going to be the timekeeper? Yes, it was a write-in.

And I got one. Yes. Yeah, and that was from you. Yes. Okay, yeah. Did you earn any other shaperlativesh?

Least liked. Was that a write-in category as well? Yes. And how many votes did that get? My sister. Oh, your sister. Oh, Eleanor. Eleanor. Longo. Eleanor Keeper Longo. Nay Longo. Wait, no. Nay Keeper. All right, don't attack the cake, boss. Nay Keeper. Horses are nay keepers. And that has been Riddle Me This. Riddler.

Oh, this is a good song. Riddler. That was a good song. That's a good song. That's a really good song. Wow, a third one. I love it. Oh, amazing. We're just going to keep adding on to this. Well, my goodness, Timekeeper, was there anything else you wanted to say? I love you.

Speaking of time, it's... Don't get too excited. He's real interested. It's been about... It's been what? Enough, enough. It's been about five months since we said hello to this gentleman. A wonderful amount of time. How many NBA quarters would that be, I wonder? May I have one of your calculators? Let me guess. It's about 122...

NBA quarters in a day. Carry the one, do the two over the three. Goodbye, listeners. That's an Elton John song, isn't it? Yeah. Goodbye, listeners of this podcast.

About 3,980 NBA quarters since we've seen this gentleman. Wart the weight. And he was, we'll describe your sort of bio, biography. Well, you know, I could describe it or I could just say my name, but I'd rather just describe it for you. You know, I played in a rock band. These will be the clues I'll give the listeners.

I played in a European rock band with two guitarists, one bassist, and a drummer. And that drummer's name was my very best friend Ringo.

Okay, I'm guessing you're John Lennon. Well, I know that because you're sitting... Because you can see me, sure. Yes, I'm John Lennon. That's right. Has it been that long since I've been on, Scott? Yeah, I mean, you were on in January, as I recall, and this is May or Ma. Certainly is. Yeah, what have you been up to? Now, we all remember your last appearance. You were talking about how you never died. No, I died for five years. For four years I died. You know, I got shot through the heart outside my house, you know. Four years.

Fell dead right away, buried, and then decided, I've got to be alive again. I like it so much. Okay, that answers all my questions. Yep. Four years is a wonderful amount of time. One could almost complete college in that time. One could complete the presidency of the United States. Or the presidential fitness test. It took you that long to complete the presidential fitness test? The visa to reach was hard. Okay, well...

I don't mean to distract you. You don't? No, but I do frequently. Well, John, what have you been up to? Well, you know, I'm just sort of preparing right now to record an album again. What? That's right. Oh, wow. A solo record? Well, you know, let me explain it, of course. I'm going to take a CD that I own and record it onto a tape so I can play it in my RV. Your V? RV? No, you know, I misspoke, you know.

Oh, okay. I don't mean to hold your feet to the fire. That's not allowed. So you're going to convert it? You have a tape deck in the RV? Yeah, this is a very old RV. So I guess I'm not aware of, I never came across this in the shop room, which cataloged the CD to cassette program.

It's a pretty standard boombox that I've purchased. Yeah, why? Oh, so it's not even built into the RV. It's just a boombox that's in the RV. I'm going to do the whole thing in my home, you know, and then bring it out to the RV, the tape, of course. Aren't you a multi-millionaire? Why are you buying such an old RV? I certainly like the vintage charm of it all, you know. That's what the V stood for. A vintage RV.

That's right. I didn't want to explain it. I didn't think we had time for that. We certainly did. We have all the time in the world. All right, Timekeeper. All right. We don't really. Oh, I'll get off the table. Did you lose all of your money when you died? Well, I misplaced much of it, you know, because right before I died, I had...

I was taking it out of the... Wait, a lot of people don't know this. Oh, yeah, that's right. You had bags of money when you were shot? Yes, I was taking it from my mattress to a bank. Yoko finally said, you've got to put this away. We can't get any sleep on this mattress. We've been doing too many photo shoots on this naked on this mattress. It worked for a while because we were there so much. We were not leaving the bed. Hubba hubba. May I ask a question about one of your songs? Yes. Eight Days a Week.

Typo, slip of the tongue. What was going on there? Was that just a time question? We were being very funny. You know, Ringo suggested it. I said, well, I brought him aside and I said, are you joking around? Do you know that it's not eight days? It doesn't exist eight days a week. He said, no, John, it's a joke.

What about that song, Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time? That one pisses me off. Well, that's a Paul song. I'll leave that to Paul. When he's in, you can talk to him about it. You weren't on that track? You know, I'm fuzzy on what songs I wrote. Wait, were you on every single Paul McCartney solo record? I was at least in the room to watch him record. Like, do you want a creepy scale? Who was better at keeping time? Ringo or me, the timekeeper?

Or Pete Best. Or Pete Best. Oh, that poor Pete Best. Or Jason Farley. Tell us about him. We lost him early, didn't we? He didn't die. He just quit. You might be thinking of Stuart Sutcliffe. Yeah, the bassist. I think I had this problem last time I was in here. You did. I can't remember those bloody drummers that we beat. Well, it was a long time ago. It was back in the 50s. Do the Beatles have different drummers?

You know what? Oh, ho, ho. You must be... I never paid attention. I would think you're young, not old. I'm a million. Oh, then you certainly have heard of the Beatles, then. Too much time, I've been on this earth, I can't listen to every song and notice who every drummer is. Hey, that's how I feel about Pearl Jam. It seems like you would have more time to do that. Timekeeper could explain it. What's your favorite song? Time is bad. My favorite song is Elton John and seeing that Captain and Tennille song.

Love will keep us together? What? If it's on Backspace, it does. Don't go breaking my heart. I'll take John and RuPaul. I wouldn't if I tried. Oh, John and RuPaul. Did that happen? Yeah. Why is that your favorite song? I love it. Of all time. It's really fucking good. All right. Did you just cum? Not quite. Time, time, time, time. Time out. Keep it inside. Okay.

Wait a minute, I thought this was the next type of show. I'll put it back inside. No, you can't tell me one thing and then talk about cum two minutes later. No, he's just merely asking a question of one of the guests. Did you just cum? His penis was out of his shorts. You are wearing shorts. He's wearing shorts under his cloak. Board shorts. Are they from Old Navy? Yes. $6.99? Oh.

Oh, yes. Oh, my goodness. Well, we have to get to our next guest. Sure. He's a returning guest. He's been on the show once before. And please welcome back Brad Hammerstone. Oh, thanks for having me back, Scott. I had to get back on the show. Yeah, you had to. People loved your last appearance. Oh, that's not the reason why I'm here. Oh, okay. What's the reason? Wait. I don't know who this show is for or who's listening to it or what's happening with that. Right.

You know, well, my kids found out that I did the show, and it was before they were my kids, so they loved the show. They were like, you got to get back on the show. You did the show before you had kids? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, he said before they were his kids. Oh, okay. They were someone else's kids? All right, well, this is a long story, but... Okay, well, we got nothing but...

Did that put you over the edge? Oh, no, no. Did you enjoy that? That was disgusting. I'm now re-energizing. Wow. That was gross. Do you like it better when you say it or when other people say it?

Yeah. Please, anyone answer this question. I like just hearing it. Yes, others more. I prefer it when another person says it. I already know I love time, but to hear others acknowledge it, it's reaffirming. All right, well, tell us this story about your kids. What happened here? All right, well, here's the thing. My cousin...

He got called into the Navy. Certainly. And he has a couple – in fact, he's got kids, but they're not actually his kids. I mean, as far as I know, he's just their legal guardian. But he takes care of three kind of small anthropomorphic ducks, and now I've got to take care of them. Right. Right.

You say your brother was called into the Navy? My cousin. Your cousin, okay. He was called into the Navy, or he joined up. I didn't get the full story. Who's your cousin again? I remember seeing something like this. He's wearing a Navy outfit. Yeah, my cousin's name is Don. Donald. Right, right. Yeah, Donald. His full name is Donald. People who may not remember you from your last appearance, you're a man's man.

Oh, yeah. Right. A real bro. Yeah, I'm here. Well, I'm a classic. I'm an old, I'm like a Don Draper, like what men used to be. Yeah. You like tools and stuff. Yeah. Oh, you know I do. You know it. I don't understand them, but I'll try and use them. How about a football phone? Football phone? Yeah, absolutely. Did you get one free ever? Cool. Answer the phone like a football.

Wait, how would you answer the phone like a football? You know how when football players get the ball in the game and they have to say hello, who is it? I don't remember this. Oh, I thought it was like you would answer the phone and say, football speaking. Foot speaking, foot phone. What I love about the football phone is you can... Your foot is shaped like a football. That's true. Well, no, a football is shaped like a foot. We've established that. Your foot's shaped weird and nasty. What?

You're very cruel. You're the boss of me. Tick tock. It's been a while. John. Drums. John, you didn't play the drums. I know I didn't play the drums. That can't be your catchphrase. It simply must be. Your favorite Beatles, Ringo? It always has been and it always will be. What about yourself?

No, I put Ringo way before me. He kept the time. All right, well, Brad. I don't know what my catchphrase is. It's probably, come on, fellas, or...

Like a quack, quack. Yeah, I think it's more of that. Wait a minute. Like, I love Tim Allen, how he makes those animal sounds when he's excited about tools. Hilarious. And that's what I do. Well, you make animal sounds when you're excited. No, I make an animal sound when I'm excited. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm making the same sound that Tim Allen is making. No, well, you're making animal sounds when you forget to make English sounds.

Okay. Human sounds. All right, I'll take your word for it. All right, because I don't know if people remember your last appearance, but we found out something about you. Oh, well, the last time I was on here, you're giving me a hard time about how I'm a duck and I'm actually a duck who thinks he's a man or a man with a duck's brain. I don't know what it is. I'm here trying to help you out.

And that's what I get. And, you know, I guess nobody paid attention to that part of the podcast because things continue to go down the toilet for guys since I've been here. For guys? Oh, yeah. For guys. Okay. Because you got, you know, yoga pants and Lena Dunham. Things are looking up for guys when women are wearing yoga pants. Okay. They seem too flimsy for me. What?

Because they can't keep their butts in? Yeah. I like, you know, I think either have your butt out or have your butt in. You're very black and white about it. Your cousin Donald, does his Navy uniform have his butt out? Oh, he's got it. Yeah, he doesn't like to wear pants. He's a guy. He's a butt out kind of guy. So in the Navy, they're kind of relaxed about uniforms? Like you don't have to wear pants? Waist down is fine, dude.

All they ask is you wear the top. Yeah, the top part, you got to have it. But I think you're going to be a lot faster and also more alarming to your enemy if you don't have your bottom half covered. Well, if you're on a boat, your enemies can only see your top half. They don't know that you're pantsless. Unless you're doing a handstand. Oh, hey, John. That's a good point. That's a very good point. Solid point from John Lennon.

Well, my goodness. So what are you up to now, Brad? Well, I'm going around. I'm on the circuit. I'm giving seminars just trying to help. What circuit? When you say the circuit, what are you talking about? Are you talking about different ponds? Well, yeah. I will go to the pond that I'm most familiar with and comfortable in.

And I'm there for, I'd say, six months out of the year. Like a real man. Like a real man. And then it starts getting cold and it gets cold around my pond. I'm like, you know what? I got to go help real men someplace at a place where it's warmer. I got to go south. Hey, why don't all the birds that also do what you do, why don't they just stay in the hot place? Why don't we just stay in the hot place all the time? Yeah, it's like, why the back and forth? You know what?

I don't have an answer for that. Scott, if you went on vacation to Hawaii, wouldn't you miss your home eventually? Well, I mean, you know, I...

Not if you move to Hawaii. Oh, well, that's a very good point. Now I feel like a fucking idiot. Well, maybe it gets too hot. Maybe it gets too hot. Too hot? I'll tell you what it is a lot of times. It's just like a bro code sort of thing, you know? Oh, okay. Because I see a couple of my buddies and they're starting to leave and I'm like, I guess it's time to go and I guess we're all going to leave and fly in a V formation. Have you had any misadventures with your three nephews? What? All the time, man. It's tough.

But it's kind of, I like it because it's helped me find new dimensions of being a man that I had no idea about. Is stuff like hanging out at water towers? It's like mostly going on adventures. You imagine something as manly as that? I've gotten into trouble with a snow beast recently. What happened? Well, I'm a little hazy on the details. What's that?

I believe we're looking for a crown or some sort of treasure. Right, yeah. Or it might have been one of my treasure maps got stolen. Wait, you have a lot of treasure maps? How many treasure maps do you have? Oh, I got tons of treasure maps, valuables. I have the first dime. The first dime? The first dime ever minted. How much is that worth? Oh, tons, man. Probably like over 400 bucks. Okay. I remember when they made that.

You were there? Yeah. Well, she's a million. Ho-Ho's a million years old. I'm out. Okay. And you're an elf? You betcha. Okay. I'm a naughty elf. All right. Look at my butt. Okay. All right. See, I like this guy because this guy kind of does whatever he wants. Yeah, yeah. Continue with your line of questioning to Ho-Ho. Now, Santa Claus. Yeah. What about him?

Why doesn't he ever bring me what I want for Christmas to my house? Oh, well, I think I might be able to answer that. Does he not like bad boys, or what's the problem? I like the bad boys. You're a naughty little boy, and I give you presents. You ever notice what you get under the tree from me? Knives and guns and cocaine and drugs. Yeah, that's not what I want. Well, that's what you're gonna get, bad boy. Oh, I'm hoping for worms or bread. Sweet bread. It's not the old days. We don't give oranges and shit.

Have you ever spent Christmas, and Poho, perhaps you can verify this, have you ever spent Christmas on Bear Mountain? Yeah, of course I have. Okay. I was wondering that too. These three ducks, they're your nephews?

What? These three guys, your nephews. Well, listen, they're my cousin. I don't know how my cousins are related to them. I think they're his nephews. They're his nephews. They're probably my grandnephews. Okay, so... I'm significantly older than my cousin. Right. Grandboys? Are they grandboys? Yeah. What'd you say? Would you say they're grandboys? They're not my grandboys. They're my grandnephews. A term introduced earlier?

in this program? Yeah, grand boys is another word for grandson. I don't know. We've all instantly accepted it into our personal lexicons. All right. I guess we're more asking you to shed some light on what a grand boy is. Are they grand boys or not?

Hey, if I come flying in and this is the first time I'm meeting you and you say the word grand boys, I'm going to assume it means grandson. It's like bro code. Yeah, exactly. Bro, bro. So you say you have accumulated some wealth. Uh-huh. Do you kind of hoard your wealth? Do you kind of sting you with it? Hey, look, that's the number one rule to stay in rich, not spending your money everywhere. Yeah.

Can I ask you this question? I tried to get... Are you going to try and teach me a lesson? Because this has happened to me once before around the holidays. A couple of ghosts tried to tell me to be less stingy with my money, treat my employees better, and I just didn't take. That was you? I thought that was... Oh, wait. Okay, never mind. I'm just getting something. It's like the first penny dropped. All right.

I'm a small business owner. I have a mouse that works for me. He has a crippled mouse son, and that's all. Your name Brad threw me off. Yeah, sure. But let me ask you, because maybe he has a nickname that other people, he earned from his habits. I'm totally on board now. I get everything. Do you ever put your money in a pile? I got so much of it, man, it can't fit in a pile. You ever put it in a room and jump into it?

Yeah. That's kind of, that's where I was going. Are you Scottish? Yeah. You couldn't tell by my slight Scottish burr. I like your little round glasses on the tip of your nose beak. Thank you. I like your top hat. Well, all right. You guys are all seeing me for what I am, I guess. Yeah, I guess so. Finally, we can see your attributes. Number six.

Okay, first of all, I was correct about James Bond and his watches. All right, you made fun of me for that, talking about James Bond wearing a watch. Several people sent me pictures of it when the James Bond movie came out.

You made fun of me in that clip about how I made a reference to James Bond wearing a watch. You said, oh, sure. He wears watches famously. I said, no. Anytime there's a new James Bond movie, they have an ad. You're saying it like you're like, yeah, they have an ad. But it's not like when you think of James Bond, like, oh, the watch guy. Well, that's what I do. Well, you're insane is my point. But several people sent me the watch ads. Of course they did. Twitter snitches. Fuck all of y'all. Here's a picture of

James Bond wearing a watch. That's not them. They're like, excuse me, sir. Here's a picture of James Bond wearing a watch. If it please you.

Secondly, by the way, John Lennon talked on a recent Christmas episode. You should check that. He returns on that. Going into more details regarding his RV. So check that out. Which is very fast, by the way. Very, very fast. It goes very fast. And so it took us, I think, a long time to catch on to who Brad Hammerstone was trying to say he was. Took some of us less time. Yeah, it took me a long time. But he hit on Scrooge McDuck. Earlier on than we remember?

But a lot of people think he started out as Launchpad McQuack, and we coerced him into Scrooge McDuck. And I haven't asked Joe about this. Hold on a second. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, a lot of people think he started trying to say he was Launchpad McQuack. Stop right there. From DuckTales.

Why would I know what that is? Well, that's my point is I think our common reference, you and I. Scrooge McDuck. Is Scrooge McDuck. So we steered him into a Scrooge McDuck. And even that is like, I kind of remember Scrooge McDuck from when I was a kid. Right. I've seen images of. Carl Banks comics. Yeah. I mean, like I've seen images of him around. Sure. Moving images. Yeah. You know, 24 per second. And they do. Movies. Movies.

Yeah, that's what I meant. When you say him around, what do you mean? Like he's hanging around? There were comic books and stuff like that. And there's, I've seen pictures, like drawings of Scrooge McDuck in things. Him hanging around. Disney shit. What are you doing? It's just a weird way to put it. I've seen pictures of him around.

Like he's hanging out and someone took a surreptitious picture of him like, ooh, I got one. It's not pictures of him. It's like paparazzi like, ooh, I got a Scrooge McDuck. No, no, no. Not pictures of him being around. That's what it sounds like. Pictures of him around the world in life. I've seen pictures of him. You've seen him around the world. Scott, you're being willfully obtuse. Make a pizza. Jizz. Make a pizza. Make a pizza.

All right. We have to get to a break. Wait, wait. What? Do you have something to say? I don't know Doug Tales. I know. Neither do I. I don't know it. Launchpad McQuack. I know. I had to look at it. But that's who – I was playing it the other night and that's who Kulop was like, oh, he's Launchpad McQuack. And I looked it up and some of the details, early details line up with him. So I don't know. We'll ask Joe about that next time. Let's ask Joe. And very quickly, the only time Joe's repeated a character on the show? I believe so. He always does something new. So, yeah. And he's –

I would love to have him on the show again, but he's been really busy. He's been hired as a writer on The New Girl, and so he's not been available to come in. But hopefully we'll get him in come the new year. New girl. New girl? New girl. Girl. Okay. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will have your fifth most voted on episode. Oh! Yeah.

Hey, everyone. Just want to remind you we've stocked up the Earwolf store with lots of stuff to wear, hang, or give this holiday season. Check out the new Comedy Bang Bang hoodies, a limited edition screen printed poster, or our instant classic Hainong Man or all joking a salad teas. Each sale supports the show and helps us employ a guy named Nick that ships all this stuff from a bunker in L.A. Hi, Nick. Support Earwolf and Comedy Bang Bang by visiting Earwolf.com. Click shop and get 10% off with the code Bang Bang. Yeah.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Paul F. Tompkins. I am back here with Scott Ackerman. And we're co-hosting the show. We are! Isn't that fun? Which means we repeat every single thing that the other person said. Isn't that fun? We repeat things when someone says it, and it gets repeated. And then when someone says something, here I will repeat it. If you say something, I'll repeat it, because that's what we do. Hope you say something, I want to repeat it. I want to repeat the things that you say when you say them. Okay, we need to break out of this immediately. We

We are getting into our top five here. I mean, I've heard of Chris Rock and his top five. Our top five? And his top five. Yeah, he has that movie, Top Five. Yeah.

Yeah, no. Why was it called Top 5? Because he walked around saying, hey, Top 5 this, Top 5 that. And everyone's like, eh, leave me alone. That's not true, is it? Yeah, it is. Top 5 whatevers. Like Top 5 rappers. Like Jerry Seinfeld talks about his Top 5 rappers and mentions Wale in it. Because Wale made a record called Seinfeld or something. Anyway. I'll never see this movie. Okay. It's a deal. A bargain is struck. And I will have. Yeah.

You've seen it for both of us. That's true. I was watching for two. Did you say that? I rubbed my belly the entire time. You bought the ticket. Paul? Are you enjoying this? I live there in your belly. Yeah. You're my imaginary friend. Do you remember when Kulop asked you, when is Paul going to come out of your belly? I do. Speaking of coming out of or coming on bellies, we have to get to

Your... Your... Number five. Number five. All right, this is episode 342 from March 30. Mm.

And this is a little episode that I like to call and is formally titled. Formally titled, actually, not formerly. What if every episode went through several titles? Every year they all got retitled. That would be a great way to trick people into listening to a new one. Absolutely. To an old one. You should be doing that. You should be doing that, yeah. You should be doing that, yeah. Yeah.

This is something currently titled and formerly titled A Silicon Valley PCAST. Yes. Yes. A simple title. Everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say it. And this has Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, and Thomas Middleditch. Is that all? Yeah.

Classic Jarls comes through. This, I also think, was the first time I did Jarls interrupting the podcast. Do you want to explain Classic Jarls? We've talked about him a little bit. Yes, allow me. Cue the music. There's, I don't believe you have any kind of... Classic Jarls... Okay, I'll try. Don't talk about the music. Jarls was a character born... Stop, stop the music. Stop the music.

I first did Jarl's for the DVD commentaries of season three of Comedy by Man, the TV show. Which will be out in a couple weeks, I believe. An interesting story about that session is that I was double booked doing another thing. And so I was trying to – I did not have a chance to eat lunch. Second most important meal of the day. That's right. Third most? Dinner. Mm-hmm.

Fourth most, fourth meal. That's why they call it that. Did that catch on or did it not catch on? I don't know. It didn't catch on with me, of course. I use it as a reference. I don't eat it. As a reference, it really caught on. Yeah. And so I had the foresight at least to buy a sandwich. Foresight. The fourth most important sight of the day. Yeah, of course. In the six senses. Yeah. Anytime you see breakfast, that's important. Yep. I bought a sandwich and brought it here to the studio.

And then at one point when I was hungry, I was like, I'm going to eat my sandwich. And I started eating it in the studio in front of other people. And then it was pointed out to me, hey, that's kind of a dicky thing to do because we would like to eat a sandwich. All of us have been here the entire time. I was mortified. It had never occurred to me. Who pointed this out to you?

It might have been Amy Mann. Ah, yes. It might have been you. I can't remember. No, no, no. I bet it was Amy Mann. Amy Mann was, I think, the first person I noticed looking at me as if I was an insane person eating a sandwich in front of everyone. By the way, she was only here for maybe 45 minutes.

So she could have like dipped out to get a sandwich in probably five minutes from then. She was going to be done. She could have done a sandwich dip out. The birthday boys and I were here the entire day. And we talk about it on the commentary. We had a harrowing lunch experience in the middle of the day where we went to a place across the street that ran out of food or something. It was very weird. I talk about it on the commentary, but basically what happened is we all ordered food.

They set down two things immediately that were like things they could prepare right then. And then an hour went by and they wouldn't even look at us. And one of the things was wrong, did not have noodles in it. It was like, it was ramen and they'd never put down the noodles. Now, but you guys ordered, two of the guys ordered peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Sure. Of course those came right away. Of course. The rest of you ordered souffles. Well, they say allow an hour. What did you expect? What did you expect? Yeah.

No, it was the only time in my life I've done this where we got a few of the dishes and then at a certain point, the guy said, this stuff is just not going to come. And I said, you know what? And he said – and he gave me a bill. And he gave me a bill for it. Only a bill? I'm just a bill. He gave me a bill for the complete stuff. Wow. Yeah. And I looked at it and I said, you know what? I'll give you $20. Okay.

And because it was a bill for like 80 or something, and we only got a couple of things. So some people never got their food. Yeah, and some people never got their food. I just said, I'll give you 20 bucks for what we ate. And he went, yeah. But I mean, did you blame me for doing that? I had to try. And so the other guys went to Arby's across the street. Most of the birthday boys went to Arby's.

That makes sense, though. You can hear all about it halfway through. But Scott, the birthday boy should have just gone to the first place. They should have just gone to Arby's. They're Arby's people. Yeah, and I'm a ramen. Come on, guys. I'm a fancy ramen person. You're a fancy ramen person. They're like, yeah.

Anyway, let me formally apologize to everyone for starting to eat that sandwich in front of them. I should not have done that, but I was out of my mind. That's what we were going through. I was out of my mind. Mentally insane. So, Charles, so that was just a voice that I did. I don't even know why I started doing that. But Charles has difficulty speaking. He's an old man or he's a young man? No, he's a young man. It was funny to me that someone- Young would have that voice. They had to push out their words. That was the whole character. Yeah.

And so it was initiated on these DVD recordings, which have been delayed for a year now, are finally coming out. But you've done him all throughout the year, and we've referenced – because we recorded the DVD commentary a year ago, like this week, I believe. Yeah.

And you've been doing him all year. Anytime you're recording your own podcast, Spontaneanation, in this room, you'll come into the Comedy Bang Bang room before recording. Just barge in. Because I always ask the people in the office who's in there. Right. And if they say Comedy Bang Bang, I will always go in there and do. It's a character that only exists to interrupt Comedy Bang Bang. Because you can't do it the entire hour and 20 minutes or something. It would be too difficult.

I mean, I could do it, but I think it became a thing. It became an interrupter guy. Yeah, it became a thing where I love the idea that it's only for this. Right. Only for this purpose. So we'll never talk to him all that much. Learn his back. He's good in five minutes. You learn a little bit at a time. A little bit. This is the long con. I want that pill. I want that pill. I want that pill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want that pill. I want that pill. I want that fucking Khaleesi.

The Muppets are going to fuck Elysee. I couldn't even get it out. Oh, gosh. I want to know. Elysee. Fucking Muppet. We're insane. We've been doing this so long at this point. All right. We've got to get to it. This is number five on the countdown. Silicon Valley was coming out, and these three guys agreed to do the –

with us. That's it. Martin has done it several times on stage with us. Kumail, of course, has done it many times. Of course he has. He broke off a new hundo in episode 301. That's right. Thomas Middleditch had never done it before.

I had seen him a lot. I've seen him in the improvised Shakespeare company, which you and I saw in Seattle. Yeah. And I think the first time I've told him this, the first time I saw it, I was like, because it sounds, it can sound, doing theater as I grew up in, it can sound like a bad idea. Oh, I could not have been more against it before I saw it. Yeah. And we saw it up in Seattle at Bumbershoot and I was like, all right, well, I hear it's good. Let's check it out. And-

We were just blown away by it. And we both went back to the very next show that they did. I had seen it before that. I'd seen it in New York. Oh, really? Yeah. Janie, my wife, had seen it. JJ. JJ and Jameson. JJ and Jameson. Triple J. Triple J. She had seen it advertised somewhere. And she's like, I hear this is really good. Let's go check it out. And I was robed.

rolling my eyes all the way to the back of my head. This is another Paul Russ wedding situation. We were taking someone else to the show. It was a fun thing we could do together. And if you don't like it five minutes in, it'll be like a little bully. And it was beyond pleasantly surprising. It was amazing. It's amazing. They do an amazing... All those guys... They're so good.

Thomas, of course, is one of five, I believe, of them. Five or six, yeah. They're all so good, and they're great improvisers. So I've seen them multiple times, and they never – they don't cheat. They don't repeat things. They're always great. They don't repeat. It's so good. Do not cheat. Do not repeat. Do not cheat. Do not repeat. Eatin' ain't cheatin'. They always look at each other, and they say, Eatin' ain't cheatin' right before they go on stage. Eatin' ain't cheatin'. Do not repeatin'. A-A-C. Yeah.

But he had never been on the show before. I'd always kind of wanted him on the show. And what was interesting about this, the first segment is really fun. It's three guys and me, and all those guys are really... As themselves. As themselves, and they're all really fun, and they have a great relationship, and they enjoy each other's company. And then we had...

Thomas and I had talked about when I was setting it up weeks earlier, I would imagine, and I never reminded him. And this has happened a few times in the history of the show where I've set something up, don't check in with someone about it, and then they forget it. And it was, hey, you're going to be doing a character. What character are you going to do? And he looked at me like I was insane. He's like, character? What do you mean?

And I said, oh, that's the format of the show. You know, we have people on as themselves and characters, and you were going to improvise a character? And he went, oh, okay. And then launched into this. And this is what we'll hear. This is truly an insane bit of tape that we are going to roll. Absolutely. And he is totally improvising this and was not prepared to do any of this. So this is your number five. Number five.

We have someone here with us. Occasionally, a couple of weeks ago, we had a fan of this program come on the show, and we did a show with that fan. And we have someone who's a fan of your show, and I thought I would invite him. Please introduce yourself, sir. Hey, can I talk now?

Hey, you're... Yeah. Yeah, sure. Joey Tortellini. Joey Tortellini? Hey, Joey. What's going on? May I ask, are you of Italian descent? No. Okay, what's your heritage? I'm from the Sudan. Oh.

Okay. Did you ever change your name? No. No? What's wrong? What's wrong? That's the name you were born with? Well, you know, I'm from a tribe of guys. Oh, okay. The Tartellini tribe? Yeah. The Tartellinis, I remember. Wasn't that a spinoff of Cheers?

I don't know what you're talking about. How did you learn English? I presume it's your second language. What, a guy can't learn English no more? Oh, I hope more people do. I think everyone in this country should. Or else they should GTFO. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it's fair, I suppose. You know, anyway, I just want to say I love you guys, love the show, love the comedy bing-bongs.

And keep up the good work. That's all you wanted to say? Yeah. What do you like about the show? Which one? Comedy bing bongs or this one?

Silicon Valley's. I'd say it's Silicon Valley. You know it's not Silicon Valley's. Have you watched any of the show? Yeah, I know what it is. Everybody's talking and stuff and cracking jokes. That's almost every comedy. Well, and the big guy's always smoking a pot. Okay, yeah, that's our show. He knows what it is. That's our show. That big guy. He's stomping around smoking a pot trying to talk to everybody and we say, hey, give us a hand.

We put up with this guy, but, you know, let's get back to coding on the computers. Yeah, that's pretty much it. He does know the show. Yeah. Okay. What do you think of it? You like it? How many episodes are there? There's eight? We've done eight. For sort of first season.

Okay, so you know that about it. And how many are in the second season? Do you know that? I ain't got no idea. That's some of the questions I want to ask today. Okay, get to it then. Ask that question. How many episodes in this second season? It's ten. Ten? Holy shit. That's two more than last one. Do you have enough time in the day to watch two extra episodes? Yeah, I'm unemployed. Oh, really? What did you used to do? I used to be a firefighter. In the Sudan? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? But they stopped having fires? Yeah. In this economy, it's tough. Yeah, no thanks to Obama. What does he have to do with fires in the Sudan? He's always starting them. He's always running around with his little tinderbox, setting up matches and stuff. We don't got too many trees there anyhow. Yeah. Oh, that's true. So you're looking for work now, though? Yeah.

I'm a good pediatrician. You're a good pediatrician? How did you acquire this skill? Is it a hunch or have you been trained? I'm pretty good at it. A couple kids came up to me and said, Joey, I got this pain in my foot. Check it out. So I did. Turned out I got a couple of splinters in there. No big deal. Take them out. So just two kids with two splinters a piece? Yeah.

They each had two. Four. Yeah. Oh, so yeah, you see, I always wanted to ask him if he's just pretending to know the math on the show or if he knows the math. This guy knows the math. That's the reason he was hired. Oh, man. Kumi Ninjiani.

My goodness. So you took out four splinters. Yeah. Now you think you're a good pediatrician. Well, that's not all. Oh, great. They had their guts hanging out. What? What? Oh, my. Way to bury the lead. They had their guts hanging out. So they came up to you with their guts hanging out saying, hey, our foot hurts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were confused. I would imagine the blood is, yeah. Were they shot in the gut by mobsters? I ain't got no clue. I'm not a detective. Oh, okay. I ain't no gumshoe, just an amateur pediatrician.

Those words are very scary to get by. I just slapped them guts back in, and I stapled them on their tummies closed. Why did you have a stapler? Where was this? I was putting up flyers. Oh, for what? For a rave. Okay. And you're an amateur rave fan?

No, I'm a professional DJ. I make $70,000 a show. Okay. That, I feel, should be the thing you lead with. No, no. Not unemployed. Trust me, it's no fun. I got to go to Vegas this weekend. It's just going to be a bunch of titties bouncing up and down, me throwing suds and putting my hands up in the air. It's a pain.

Do you ever have to, you press play, I would presume, at the top of the show. Yeah, I press play. And then stop. Pretend the little knobbies are working. Actually, you don't even have to press stop, right? I bet it just elapses. Yeah. And it stops by itself. Yeah, it's a two and a half hour show. It's pretty tight. Yeah, I guess you make your own separate playlist in iTunes for the thing that you're about to do. Well, it's got to be tight because we got to get out of there because they usually do weddings and stuff after.

They do a wedding in the... After the concert? Yeah, like, you know, those 4 a.m. wedding ceremonies. Uh-uh. You guys don't go to Vegas much, do you? No. Yeah, well, I do. Yeah. How often do you go? Every week. Oh, man. And so you're making about $140,000 a week? Yeah.

I don't know what, because two shows on a weekend. Two shows, I would guess, a weekend. Where'd you get that from? Did you pull that out of air, or did you hear me say that? Well, you said 70,000 a show. Yeah, a show. And did I tell you how many shows I do? You said you're there every weekend. No, you want to put the big rich man poster on my back and watch everybody kick me in the pants. I assure you I do not want to do that. Man, that's a pain. But how much are you making? $1,000.

I'm making $140,000 a weekend. It's crazy. So why do you say you're unemployed when you are a millionaire? It's not a job. You're making $5 million a year. Oh.

Yeah. You're right. That's the very definition of a job. Some say. Would you give it all up, though, to be a pediatrician? If you guys have any clinics that are looking and they got openings, yeah, I want to give back. I want to punch some more guts back into kids' tummies. That was fun. I would suggest going around. That was fun? Yeah. You ever done it? No. You should try it, bro. Maybe give back to the community you so keenly take from. Yeah.

Yeah, Kumail. You're taking all of our money. What am I doing? I'm paying for HBO. Yeah. Yeah, where does that money go to? HBO. Not directly in that pocket of yours? No. I see very little of it. Yeah, right. I would suggest maybe going door to door and trying to see if there's any sick kids in every door that you go to. Oh, I've tried it. How does it go when you're like, hey, do you have any kids? Let's just role play this here right now. Okay. Okay. Knock, knock, knock, knock.

Okay, see, this is your first problem. I don't know that I would hear someone saying knock, knock, knock outside my door unless I was passing by the front door. I would literally just knock on it or ring the bell. I didn't know if I was allowed to, so I was doing knock, knock, knock. Yeah, no, go please. Go ahead. Okay, so I just, you know...

No, no, no. You're over knocking. That's like a cop at your door. You're like slamming. Please. No. Just a regular knock. If someone does that in us, if I have children in the house. Is all of our equipment okay? Okay. Okay.

I don't know what you guys want from me. We just want you to act like a normal human being. Then you say, what do I do? Okay, so I knock, knock. You say, don't say knock, knock. So what I do is I knock on the door and that's how I doze it. They come to the door usually in the nightgown or whatever. Wait, what time are you doing this? I do, I wait till dark. To ask if the kids are around. No, to ask if the kids are safe. First they say...

Or if they think the kids are safe. Or do you know where your children are? First they say, do you think your kids are safe? And based on their answer, my follow-up questions are usually, do they have any illnesses or do they have any physical problems that they need help with? Deformities. Deformities that they need, you know,

broken and set back into place. Yeah, certainly. Okay. Because I got strong hands, and that's, you know, a lot of people need strong hands when you're dealing with those small bones. Do you have strong hands because of the DJ aspect of just constantly pressing play? No, I got strong hands from fighting my way out of the sedan. Oh, we haven't even covered that. Yeah, how did you actually get out of it? Jesus Christ, look how dirty your table is. Well, that's because you spilled water everywhere. Yeah, and that moistened it so I could clean up with this paper towel.

Okay, I'm so sorry. It's a plan, man. So sorry, Joey. Joey. Anyway, so how are you received? And what do you dress like, by the way, when you go to these doors? Oh, I got what I'm wearing on now, this velvet tux. Little bag of knickknacks. Wait, yeah, why are you carrying this bag? What knickknacks are we talking about? Well, let's see here. All right, open her up. Yeah, what do we got? The old knickknack bag. I got a bunch of plastic keys.

Why do you have plastic keys? Like kids' keys? Yeah. Like toddler keys? Yeah, yeah. One, for jingling and jangling. And two, you never know what kind of keyholes are in. Then you can pop it in and open it up. I don't know that plastic kids' toy keys are going to open up just any lock. Yeah, I know. You don't know. So why don't you stick to what you do know, Scott? Have the keys ever worked?

Not yet, but, you know, it's a matter of time. It's like winning the lottery. Yeah. How many times have you won the lottery, by the way? A couple hundred. So how much money do you have? You make $5 million a year, and you've won the lottery a hundred times? Oh, my God. And you've won the lottery a hundred times? A couple hundred. 222 I've won it. 222? How many mega jackpots have you won? Uh...

Let's see. Well, I guess 216 of those were the Mega Jam. And the other six were just like 50 bucks, 40 bucks here and there? No, they were like 50 or $70,000. What?

You know, because sometimes you don't get all the numbers, but you still win big. Yeah, no, we know how the lottery works. How many tickets have you bought in your lifetime, do you think? Probably 222. Oh, wait, you've won every time you've played? Yeah, I mean, I guess if you want to do the statistics and the math, I'm batting 100.

No, you're batting 1,000. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's way better. Oh, sweet. Your life is awesome. Yeah, I guess I don't know baseball. Have you ever bet on a baseball game?

Yeah, once. Which one? When the Boston Bruins won. Got it. I'm just kidding. The Boston Red Sox. Yeah? I bet on them when they won the latest one. I bet everything, all my lottery winnings. So that must be a billion dollars at least. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you won a billion dollars? Back. Wow. In addition to my money coming back.

back. Trust me. Who would take that bet? Another billionaire? I don't know. Some guy. Who was this guy? What was his name? His name's some guy called Bob Durst. Bob Durst? Wow. The Jinx guy? From the Jinx? I don't know what the... I don't know. Hey, look. Did you ever have any weird conversations with him about his hobbies or things he used to... He used to tell me that, you know, he likes...

He likes ladies. Sure. He likes going out and watching ladies. And that's something I like to do, so we got along doing that. Okay, great. But did he mention anything else he's ever done in the past? Just that, you know, if I needed any help making someone disappear, he knew what to do. Oh, okay. Was he a magician, or...? No, he was talking about murder. Oh, my God. Why do you say that word so weird? That's how anybody says it. Oh, okay. How do you say it? You prick.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You telling me I say something weird? I'm sorry, I apologize. I'm not a prick, though. I'm on your side. You're a pram. You're a little...

little pram being pushed around by the man. Okay, great. Now, let's get back to Silicon Valley. Yeah, why are you talking to me for all this time? I mean, in my opinion, your life. You got these movie stars here. Martin Star. You know how much he loves the Los Angeles Clippers? It's on his Wikipedia page. Oh, you love the Los Angeles Clippers, eh? Yeah, yeah.

That's not as interesting as your life, I feel like. Are you kidding me? He can tell you any stat from the Los Angeles Globes. Okay, you're an amateur pediatrician, firefighter from the Sudan who fought his way out, has won the lottery 222 times, and is a DJ who makes $5 million a year. And you bet all your money on a game. You bet a billion dollars on one game, and you won it all back. And you know Bob Durst. Yeah. And you think his life is more interesting.

Martin Starr? Yeah. Are you kidding me? Freaks and Geeks? Holy shit. He was in the Veronica Mars movie. Yeah. He's in the horror movie with the zombies in the snow. Dead Snow 2. DeadSnow2.com. Still, it's nothing compared to your life as a movie. My life ain't no movie. Wait, what is happening? Are you goleming? Are you okay? Wait, was the character Gollum based on you? Yeah, of course. I know Petey Jacks for a long time.

You know Peter Jackson as well. I know Petey Jackson. I know Miss Tolkien. We were hanging out at a barbecue all together, all three of us. And they said, they just listened to your voice. They said, you got something. Well, sometimes I have a croak in my throat. What does that sound like? That's precious. Oh, wow. That does sound just like. Were you just talking about that movie that you had just seen? Huh? What movies? Based on a novel by Sapphire.

Yeah. Yeah, that's all I was doing. I said, I was in the middle of eating a burger, as is my want. Hey, and as is your right as an American citizen. I ain't no American citizen. Wait, you're not? You still have Sudanese? Yeah. What am I giving? I love the country. Love what's going on. What's your favorite thing about it? Genocide. And what is going on over there?

What is going on over there? Just a bit of cold-hearted genocide. Tell us about the Sudan. What's it like over there? It's great if you're part of the government.

We go around, go to little villages. Wait, you were part of the government? Oh, yeah. I was the general that gave them the idea. Wait, so when you say you had to fight your way out of the Sudan, you're fighting the citizens? Yeah. They were not happy. They wanted to execute you? Yeah, all for a little bit of ethnic cleansing. For your war crimes? Nah, not total war crimes. War and misdemeanors? Yeah. Number five.

So great. So great. So great. So great. So great. So great. That was a really fun one. And Thomas, of course, became an immediate fan favorite with that. Still hear about it. He's been busy doing Silicon Valley for the past few months and so hasn't been able to come in. But we may hear a little bit more from him on the countdown as we go along. We'll see. We'll see.

All right. I do want to do something special here before we go to a break and before we go to number four. And this is a little... Now, there's a certain performer who the past couple of years has not... It's like a gossip column. Yes. Blind item. Blind item.

who has not gotten his due on the countdown. He's on a lot, is always one of the best parts of every show, but just by chance, he has not been on shows that the rest of the show has not struck a chord with the audience as much as his particular performance in them. Like, he's good, but the episodes are duds. They're not duds. Is that what you're saying? They're not duds. They're just not ones where... Sounds like that's what you're saying. I tend to have this performer on

I know I need someone in my corner who's going to be funny the entire... You have a weak guest. No. No. No.

I mean, yes. No. Maybe a lot of times when I don't know the person where I'm like, oh, I've never met this person before in my life. I need someone really funny to be there with me. I think he's gotten a short shrift in a lot of episodes, and so he's never been voted in the countdown before. And he never will be. No, I believe that may change next year because of the holiday episode that we put out a couple of weeks ago. I doubt it. I think that's a great episode. I think he's going to drag it down. Yeah.

Nope. He's on fire. His presence. No, he's great. I think he's great. I think he's, it's like a jinx. You know what I mean? You mean like a curse situation? I mean like Robert Durst. He's hiccuping. He's burping. He's blinking a lot.

By the way, that's who I think Thomas Middleditch was sort of doing in the previous clip. I think he was trying to do a Robert Turner situation. Yeah, absolutely he was. Okay. I'm, of course, talking about John Gabrus as Gino Lombardo. Of course. Of course. He's not on the top 10 this year. He wasn't on last year. He deserves to be. He was in four episodes this year, including our episode from Outside Lands up in San Francisco where he just destroys. Go listen to that on the Howl app.

By the way, Halap is – am I married to her? The widow Halap? The widow Halap. Go listen to it on the widow Halap. What if she has a sister named Halap? Oh, my God. Halap, Kulap, Dewdrop, Gumdrop. Blingblap. Blingblap. Hey, Blingblap, get in here. Who's there?

John is so funny as this character. I had heard about John a while. I had never seen him on stage. Several people said, hey, you got to get him on the show. And so when I had him on, he said, oh, I really want to do this character –

Gino, who's really into Opie and Anthony. And I went, oh boy, this is going to be trouble. That's the primary character trait. And yes, it was. He's like, he wants to get into radio because he loves Opie and Anthony. I went, oh, okay, well, let's try it.

Big surprise and should have been no surprise. He's genius at it. One of the favorite characters on this show and he's a really interesting guy and one of the sharpest improvising minds. We just had him on the Bajillion show and everyone was gathered around the monitor just like in awe of what – the stuff he was coming up with. A really, really funny guy and really –

really puts a lot of humanity into this character who could be a piece of shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's straddling the line very often. Very often. But very funny. You always root for him. So I just wanted to do a little montage of some of the best Geno moments this year, and this is our b-b-b-b-b-b-bonus! Sound speeds whenever you're ready. We started already, Geno.

And action. Look, when you're in the sound business, I don't think you even say action. You got to put it in there. People don't know when to start it and when to stop it. All right, very good. Hello, Gino. Gino, my intern who comes about once a month or once every six weeks. Well, I could use more college credits, but you're not willing to give them out. You guys are a little stingy here. You do not come every program. You're supposed to be here every week. Well, some semesters I got to actually get in the classroom and learn about radio broadcasting. Okay, what have you learned lately?

So we have, we did like, I did the nine credits intro to Cans. Now, when you say Cans, do you mean the film festival in France? Well, no, see, it's three part class. It's three credits about the film festival, three credits about recycling, and then three credits about headphones. Okay, so...

The headphones one is the one that applies the most directly to the major. The other two are just like foundational. For those of you who this is their first time listening, Gino is a perilously thin radio interviewer. A lot of people say I sound fat on the radio. So if you're listening and you're assuming I'm over 300 pounds, you're incorrect. What do you weigh? You weigh like a buck 20. I'm up to 124 because I've been drinking a gallon of whole milk a day. It's called the Go Mad Diet. Yeah. You got to drink some of those naked juices and like just eat, you know, constantly eat ice cream. Oh, I drink tons of juice fully nude.

I'm confused. What was your recommendation? You drink juice only naked because if you spill it, then you can lap it up. Exactly. If you spill it in the right place. Oh, girl, you're preaching to the choir now. All right. What have you been up to, Gino? Oh, me, a lot of things. I saw... Have you ever seen the film...

Citizen Kane. That's the one I would guess. Yes, yes, yes. I have seen that. Have you seen that? Yeah. A classic film in my opinion. It's the one with the guy from the Animaniacs cartoons. Yes. I love that movie. I didn't know they did a spin-off into a black and white film. It was pretty good.

And honestly, way less sledding than I thought there was going to be in that movie. You know, you tune into a film like that and you're like, Rosebud, we know it's a sled. Hey, let's see some fucking sledding. Let's see some 360s, some 180s. Yeah, like all kinds of, I like stunt sledding myself. Let's see some dolly kicks. So I saw that movie and that's about all that's really happened to me in the last six weeks. That's it? Yeah, I caught that movie and that was by accident. Uh,

What kind of accident did you... I was jerking off in my living room and my mom came home from work and I jumped behind the couch and then her and a date sat down and watched this and came, but I couldn't get up and leave, so I watched it through a crack in the sectional for like two and a half hours. Okay. I got found out at the end because I was weeping. I was like, it is the sled. And I started crying and then my mom's new boyfriend... The loss of childhood innocence. Yes. See...

Do you relate to that theme? Yeah, well, I took a nine-credit theme course. Oh, really? Yeah, so it's three credits about theme parks, three credits about, like, TV show themes. The Simpsons. Yeah. Oh, shit. I wrote my final on that. Really? That line, because I was like, it's important because it gets out the title of the show. Yeah, and who's in the show as well. Right. It's not just the title. Yeah, meet his boy Bart. That's a weird lyric, isn't it? Yeah, it really is.

I was just home for 4th of July back in Long Island. Went down to, my mom has a cabana down in Malibu. We went down there, shot off some fireworks. Malibu, Long Island? Malibu is a little beach club down in Long Beach. I didn't know there was a Malibu. Yeah, there's all kinds. You know, there's a Paris in Texas. Ha ha ha.

There's all kinds of different cities and different places than you're supposed to be. You got a boo down in L.I.? I got a boo. We're hanging at the boo down in Long Island, bro. So how long were you there? Did you fly in the morning of the 4th and then right back out after the fireworks? Yeah, I got in there. I took a red eye on the 3rd.

And I came back. So I landed there 4th of July. I was there at like 7 a.m. And I took a 4 p.m. flight home on 4th of July. Why? To see your mom? From LaGuardia to Malibu, it's like a 45-minute ride. So I was in and out. I saw the fireworks. I made my mom do the fireworks before sundown so I could see them.

Did you see any fireworks? I saw some proverbial fireworks, like metaphorical fireworks, and I barely saw some actual fireworks, some literal fireworks. What were the proverbial and metaphorical ones? Trouble at home? My uncle's gotten a big brawl again this year. Oh, no. When you say your uncles, who are these? These are my dad's brother and my stepdad's brother. Okay. So my uncle and my step-uncle, Mitch and Jimmy. And they know each other. They are brothers. They're brothers? Really? How did this happen?

They're both adopted from the same... It's very, very complicated. Wait, they're both adopted? They're both adopted by the same woman, but they found later on in life that one of them was my stepdad's brother and one of them was my real dad's brother. Okay, so they found out that they were related to each other? They are technically not... Blood not related to each other, but they were adopted by the same mother. So they consider themselves brothers, but it turns out they're both brothers to my stepdad and dad.

Okay. Separately. Wow. So technically, I have... They're sort of Eskimo brothers, too. They're Eskimo brothers. Step Eskimo brothers. They both fucked the same girl. And that girl was, you know who it was, Darlene from Roseanne. Really? Darlene the blonde or the brunette? I feel like Darlene was Sarah Gilbert, perhaps, which I don't think would be possible. Oh.

Why wouldn't that be possible? I mean, it's possible. Anything's possible in this world. Hey, dude, you're telling me. Probable? I doubt it. If Van Halen could win a VMA, my two uncles can fuck Darlene. So a lot of fighting. What was the issue between them? They were doing their Roman candle shoot-off thing, you know, where they hold a garbage can lid and a Roman candle and kind of shoot at each other and block it and shit. And my uncle has... Like true Roman, like, jousting. Yeah, yeah, Roman jousting. It's like one of the most classic forms of combat. And we...

They were shooting Roman candles at each other, hitting my uncle in the eye, his eye. He only has one eye? He only has one eye. What happened to the other? He was born with just one middle of his head. Like a cyclops? Right? Smack in the middle. But it's super big, so it's hard to tell if it's one or two. You ever think about putting a flesh patch in the middle of that thing and turn it into two? Yeah. He wears a fake nose in between it, but it still looks fucked up. So he has a fake nose?

Above his real nose? Yeah, it's a fake nose extender. It's like the top. It makes the bridge of his nose longer. Okay, so it looks like the nostrils, which are down at the bottom of the nose, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, well, look, I'm not going to go out on a limb here and tell you where your nostrils might be, but for me, they're at the bottom of my nose. How does he get the fake nose extender on? Is it with glasses, or is it just some sort of prosthetic? Yeah, but he calls it a glass. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Okay, so he got shot in his one eye. He got shot in the one eye with the Roman candle. He gets all pissed. He pants his my eye. He's like, that's my only eye. That's actually what he said. It's weird that you knew that. He said, hey, that's my only eye. He runs over. He pants his Mitch. Mitch is pissed. So he decks Jimmy. Jimmy falls down to the ground. He lands on his back. Okay. Yeah, and that's his one back. Thanks for pointing to your back. Let me know where that was. So it's not, you see here? Yeah. This is where my front. And then about here starts a side. Yeah.

And then after the side is the back. You are so incredibly thin, by the way. You were able to wrap your arms around your body twice. Yeah, yeah. Pointing at these things. And then this is my other side. Oh, my God. How are you? And then this is the front again. You have to gain some weight, Gino. I worry about you. I just can't. You're perilously thin. It's good for me to be this thin, though, because then I can just sit and coach, and I'm so comfortable. Coach? Yeah.

Yeah, on a plane. Oh, I thought you were saying sit and coach. Like you were coaching. Well, that's actually, it's funny you bring that up because on a plane is when I do a lot of my coaching. Really? You do it via Skype? Yeah, I Skype in. Hopefully I can get Wi-Fi in the air and then I do some life coaching and some basketball coaching. And some base running drills. Base running drills for my basketball team because, you know, a lot of carryover. Running is good in a lot of sports, I learned. Please welcome Alicia Witt.

Hello. Welcome to the show. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Nice to meet you, Scott. Hello. Hello. Nice to meet you. Gina, right? Gina. Gina is my sister's name and my mother's name. Wait, your mother's name and your sister's name is Gina? You haven't talked about this before. Yeah, Gina and Gina Jr.,

Does anyone call you Jeannie? My grandmother did, but she passed. Why did she pass? What did she pass from? Why she passed? Because God told her, hey, it's your time, babe. And what she passed from was getting hit by a car. Okay. Were you driving? My grandfather was driving. Okay, well, this is a bad story. Yeah, yeah. It's a good story, a sad story, though. Kind of like Rudy. Okay.

I don't sleep with anyone that I don't love. Yeah. Yeah, that's my thing. Have you ever slept with anyone? No, not yet. Really? You still have your V-card? Well, technically, I slept with one. But A2M doesn't count. You know that, right? Oh, shit. Well, then, yeah, I got. I've got my V-card, but not my A-card. Okay. When you say technically, what happened to you? I hooked.

I hooked up with my babysitter when I was like 15 or 16. Why do you have a babysitter when you're 15? Because I always fucking stubbed my toe. When my parents would leave the house, the first thing I'd do would be sprint around the house in my socks, even when I was in high school. And I would slip and fall or stub my toe all the time. What?

hired this 12 year old girl from the neighborhood wait a minute she's younger than you she was younger than me but i was 15 so it's not that weird okay and she like did some kind of weird she seduced me it was very uncomfortable i'm not getting into it on this radio okay i'm not talking from here on out i actually i forgot about thank you yeah all right that's gino we need to go to a break when we come back we will have your number four episode of the year

Hey, everyone. Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang here. And I am excited to introduce you to Howl.fm. Only on the web at Howl.fm and on the go with the Howl app. Stream and download Comedy Bang Bang episodes or go beyond the audio with behind-the-scenes photos, commentaries, and more.

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We're back here. We're in our final segment of this episode, and we are cracking the top four. We're going to crack a new top something each time we do one of these. It's exciting. It's exciting to think about. Yeah, you know. Like, this time we're cracking the top four. Next we'll be cracking the top three. Next episode we'll be talking... Oh, it's amazing. Now...

This, of course, is your number four. Number four. This is episode 338 from March 9th. March 9th. And this is an episode entitled Be My Guest Literally. Oh, snap. Oh, yeah. It's on now. Like Donkey Nong. Now, this is...

Get with it, Donkey Kong. Get to be more like Donkey Nong. Come on. This is – let me give some backstory of this episode so you know what you're listening to. The Widow Howlap, she –

She is in the middle of directing her first documentary about her life. It's called Origin Story. So there will be more documentaries. I don't know. There will be blood. Well, you said first documentary. That's true. Well, it could be first and last. Just covering bases? I'm a bass coverer. You know that. I'm a bass coverer. I'm a bass coverer. Watching bases get covered.

She had an Indiegogo for the film to help finance the post process for it. And we did one thing which we – I don't think we've ever done it before. Maybe – no, no. We've done it. But we've done auctions. And normally when we were doing them for the LA Food Bank in some of the old Death Ray shows. But – so this is one of those. But we did a –

If anyone bid a certain amount of money on the Indiegogo campaign, they could sit in on the recording of an episode and they could pick their favorite people that they wanted on the episode. And if I could get those people to do it within a reasonable amount of time and in a time that this person could fly to LA and be on the episode, then I would arrange that.

So – If you couldn't do it within a certain amount of time. Then he's released from all prior commitments to me. Keeps his money. Yeah, he keeps his money. So I was really incentivized to do this. Of course. You hate to part with money. I hate to part with money. I like it coming in. I hate it going out. I want that pill. I want that pill. So –

So a gentleman named Michael Abelson, he won and he got to pick his guests. And here are the guests he picked. He picked you, of course, Paul F. Tompkins. He picked Lauren Lapkus. And he picked Andy Daly. A murderer's row of murderers, let alone comedians. We've all murdered people. Yes, with your bare hands. Yeah. You hate to put on gloves while you do it. It just feels better. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel the same. You know what I mean? Like I can't feel it the same way. Yeah, they make fun of me.

thin gloves. Yeah, I know. With some gels and stuff. There's so much sensitivity in your fingertips. I just really want to murder someone without wearing gloves. I want to murder you inside you. Come on, baby. I want to be inside you, murdering you. I want to strangle you inside you. So, um...

He picked you guys and, um, Paul, you, uh, decide you want to do Werner Herzog before we started. Um, Lauren Lapkus picked Ho Ho, whom we have heard of, uh, heard from recently, uh, the naughty elf. And we'll hear a lot more of Ho Ho in this episode than in the previous clip. Uh,

Andy Daly picked a new character, at least new to Comedy Bang Bang, the French actor Jean-Claude Pepy. We're not going to hear a lot from Jean-Claude Pepy. He's going to dip in this clip, but it's really funny. You should check that out. And then one interesting part of this episode is that you, Paul, kept getting calls on your phone. Was it a new phone?

New phone who dis? I don't think it was a new phone who dis situation. I don't... I think I had the...

Oh, here's what it was. Okay. I wanted to do, I wanted to get the FaceTime sound as a cue. Okay. And I kept, in trying to do that, I kept making it make noise. Taking it off silent. Yes. Yes. Okay. So your phone rang. So no one was actually trying to contact me at all. We hear your phone ring several times in this. Yes. Which led to, because Ho-Ho was here, and this is March, by the way, or Morch. Yes.

It led to us saying that it was Santa calling, and this is the inception of your Santa Claus character. Yes.

And so we are going to hear a little bits from this episode. It starts off where we're talking to Ho-Ho, and then Santa calls in, and then we're going to do a time jump, and Jean-Claude Pepy will already be there, and we're going to hear the pre and post Would You Rather, which leads to an unforgettable conclusion. This is your number four. Yeah. Number four.

How does Cambridge, Massachusetts compare to Cambridge, England? They are very similar. I actually went to both of them. So it was easy to get my mail forwarded if I did that transition. And yeah, pretty much the same. It would also be very easy to get your mail mixed up. Hold on one moment. Yes. So you're saying by just the presence of the word Cambridge. Yeah.

And your name being affixed to the top. Yes. It found its way, much like a child writing a letter to Santa Claus, just addressing it to North Pole. It finds him no matter where he is. That's not really how it works, actually. Whoa! That's not really how that works. Who is this strange creature? I don't see anyone at the table, so... I'm here, man! Look down! Hello? I don't think there's any reason to look down. No, there is. Next to me, I can see a tiny... I don't like looking down. Look down! A tiny, sprightly creature...

goodness wait i am looking down now it's ho ho now i got my legs wrapped around the microphone hello the naughty elf i'm naughty did did you just appear because you heard the uh the mention of the north pole and santa claus or did have you been here the entire show i well i was kind of spying but uh when i was uh listening to your conversation i heard you improperly tell about how the mail gets to santa

Forgive me, strange supernatural creature. I meant no disrespect. Let me introduce you. I'm terrified of this thing. Yeah, I can imagine. It's a genderless... I'm from the future. When your tongue came out, I couldn't help but notice it was as long as your entire body. It is. Two wishes and a drink.

My goodness. Werner, let me introduce you. This is Ho-Ho the Naughty Elf. Santa, you see, does not give gifts to naughty little boys and girls. But Ho-Ho the Elf found that there was a need from these children. Need for speed! Crack cocaine in their stockings! These bad little boys and girls needed presents because what is Christmas without presents? So she will give... He, she, whatever, whatever! You'll never get it right.

I'm a bit confused on the concept because I don't understand what is the point of giving the good little girls and boys toys to reward their behavior. Well, everyone deserves Christmas. Yeah, bad little boys and bad little girls get knives and sheaves and guns and machetes. But those are still considered gifts. Yeah, they can use them to kill each other and their family. Yeah.

Boy, that was a lot of throwing up there. That seems a strange thing for Santa to condone. Yeah, Santa actually hired you. We talked about that last time you were on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a lot on his plate. I had to take over the bad kids. What was the system in place previous to your hiring? They got nothing, just coal. But they did get coal, so they did get a gift. They got something. It seems safer to give them the coal than to give them the machetes or the crack cocaine. I don't know. I mean, you know, coal...

Throughout history, it's been used to stone people to death. Is that true at all? Maybe. One of the bad ways that girls got coal. Pardon me, Ho-Ho. No! No, no! I would like to pursue this idea that throughout history, coal was used to stone people. Look, it's not as hard as a rock, but, you know, it's hotter.

So it was hot coals. Yes. People were warming up a barbecue grill. Yes. They're like, you know what? Let me pause for a second. I need to stone this person to death. For heresy? Certainly. For crimes against humanity. And so the coals... I crave your indulgence. Ho, ho. Do you throw up when you hear something that you are attracted to in terms of your general aesthetic? Okay.

Three throw-ups in a row. This is like a Morse code of throw-ups. Yeah, figure this out. I said, fuck you very much. Fuck you very much. Ho, ho. It's not that kind of show, show. Show, show.

I've heard you say this before, but there is no evidence to support your claim. There really is not. This is not that kind of show. I think it kind of has turned into this kind of a show over the years. Didn't mean to start out that way. Who's your friend? Okay, this is Michael Abelson. Oh, I know you. You're bad. Oh, Michael. Bad as a bone. Naughty, naughty. Am I on the list? Yeah, you are. Didn't you get my present last year?

I did receive a machete in the mail, but I did order that, so I didn't know. I put it in the box. Why do you think you ordered it? Good point. Yeah, you know. Yes, you were naughty. So, yeah, Michael is kind of a bad boy. You know, for the listener out there, he's got a lot of money. He showed up here wearing a leather jacket and cool sunglasses. He rode up on a motorcycle. Yeah. He peeled in and then dove off, and I watched.

And it just went crashing into the building. Caused a lot of structural damage, I believe. He doesn't care. He's got dough to blow. Blow, blow. What?

So, yeah, so he's one of the naughty kids. How long has he been on the naughty list, Ho-Ho? You're on the naughty list from day one. You pop out and you're naughty. It's born inside you. What's an original sin situation? Yeah, original sin you never washed away. Sorry, I just want to clarify. That's just me or is that nationwide that's the situation? That's the rule. Okay. So when people pop out of the close-ups of the woman's vagina with all of the disgusting blood and everything. Yeah, the bile coming out of her piss. Okay.

Then the child is just naturally bad and will never change. Yeah, depending on if it's bad or good. Oh, sure. Maybe it depends on what the mom ate. I haven't figured it out yet. You have no scientific study on this at this point. No way, I'm not a scientist. I'm a naughty elf. But there could be some link between the mother's diet and whether or not the child is born inherently bad or good. Yeah, maybe she ate too much Thai food.

Okay, so stay away from the Thai food for the moment, young... Or don't. We have no... Have no empirical evidence to the contrary or... Thai food, perhaps? Yeah, it could be. Yeah, maybe exclusively Thai food. We don't know. How many children in Thailand are born bad? Zero! Okay, well, this... I feel as if... We have a lot of evidence at this point. So really, you never get out there to Thailand?

I don't have to go. They're all good. All they do is make charities and stupid shit I hate. Seems like a lot of people on the naughty list go to Thailand from America. Yeah, they do. Yeah. They want to see the ping pong balls. We know what you're talking about, Ho-Ho. You want me to explain? Ho-Ho. Go ahead. Well, when a woman loves a man, she sticks a ping pong ball.

And shoots it out to his mouth and back and forth until eternity. And everyone dies. I'm familiar with the beginning of the story, but not the ending. By the way, is Werner on your naughty list? He has been, but he got off it. How? I thought that you were on it until the end of time. He's the exception to the rule. Because he made a movie I liked. Which one? Which film was this? Boyhood.

He didn't make boyhood. Shut up. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, boyhood. Werner Herzog's boyhood. I hope everyone enjoyed all five hours of it. Working with Patricia Arquette was a dream come true. I wonder what it's like to be just a boy and not a boy and a girl at the same time. Like me. Is that your dream, eventually, to be just a boy, much like Pinocchio? No, my dream is to live on a rainbow and barf all day and night. You'll get there. Where do you live now again? I live inside Santa.

Inside him? Where? Well, he has a little vest on. You can't see it. He went to vest point. Yeah. We talked about that. And I go inside a little pocket. It's not really inside his body, but it's kind of on his person. Okay. And you're very close to him. Does he know what you're up to on a day-to-day basis? Yeah, we Skype all day long. Okay. You want to talk to him? Yeah, I would love to. Let me see if he's busy. All right, here we go. Let's see. He's busy.

He's busy. Try him again. I would love Santa over here. Nah, he's busy. He's not answering. Oh. Wait. Incoming Santa call. Hold on. Let me press it. Oh, ho, ho, ho. What's going on, ho, ho? Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Why do you think he's always laughing and so jolly? Oh, who's that in the background? Oh, hi, this is Scott Aukerman. Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Not a fan? Well, you know, I mean, you get great guests. Yeah, but, you know, my skills are a little lacking. You know, you've come a long way, I think, since the early days. It's still not quite there. I get it. Well,

I mean, you know, it's like I get why people like you. Yeah, but it's an acquired taste. Mm, yeah. That you have not acquired yet. That's right. Where's Mrs. Claus? Still looking hot? Well, ho, ho, we've talked about this. It's not my favorite thing when you say those sort of suggestive things about Mrs. Claus. Is she still hot, though? She's very attractive, yes. One time I got stuck between her tits. Now, ho, ho, that was private. Ho, ho.

Wait, why were you stuck between Mrs. Claus and Mr. Claus? What were you doing in there and why is it private to Mr. Claus? Well, if it was your wife, would you want to talk? Well, you probably would. But I think most people, if it was their wives, they wouldn't want it all over the world. It didn't happen. Santa, while I have you on the phone, we have a bad little boy here on the phone. Oh, no.

He's wondering if he can possibly be the second exception to the rule, much like Werner Herzog, and get off the naughty list. His name is Michael Abelson. The corporate lawyer? Yes. Originally from Cambridge, but then he moved to Cambridge, as to not confuse you. Okay, gotta go. Wait, wait, no. He's gone. I lost the signal due to him hanging up.

So sorry, Michael. Could we please explain to Santa that I did recently donate to an Indiegogo campaign for a very good cause? Yes! Indiegogo campaign? Oh, go go. What if... Go go... Ho ho, if you had an Indiegogo campaign, what would you fund? Well, I'm trying to get one off the ground, actually. Oh, tell us all about it. Leave no detail out. I'm making a documentary about my life, but...

Wow, you've lived a long time. I think we talked about that. How old are you? Hundreds of years. Definitely hundreds. Centuries, one might say. Yeah, some might say that. But I have a lot of home videos from that time, and I want to piece them together and make a really cool documentary about my life and what it's like to live on the North Pole.

You have home videos from hundreds of years ago? Yeah. Centuries, some might say. I made flip books in my whole life. Oh. So there are home videos of drawings that you made of flip books that you then, when home video was invented. With a flip cam, yeah. Oh, I see. The flip book is a lost art. My first attempt at making the film StrodeSec was a flip book.

What was it now? It's very hard to make one big enough for a theater full of people to see. And you have to have a big thumb. Much less to flip it. It took the thumbs of several dozen people, but in the end they could not coordinate properly. I'm so sorry. And they dropped the book and four people were crushed. Oh my goodness. I like that. Sounds like a good day. You seem like a very contrary person. I like people die.

Is that your favorite day when you go to a funeral? Yeah, I like to watch and laugh, laugh, laugh. What's the funniest funeral you ever went to? It was a baby. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

It was an innocent baby, I presume. Yeah, least likely to happen, so I think that's hysterical. Very good, Ho-Ho. Very good. Ho-Ho, I don't know what it is about you. You're disgusting, you're small, you're genderless, but I love you. Gotta love me, not the mother.

It's just a quote from dinosaurs, I think. I don't know. Dinosaurs, the ABC show? Yes, I think Ho-Ho just quoted from dinosaurs. Werner, didn't you work on that show? Yes, I did. I was the one that made sure that all of the characters were something that no one ever wanted to see, that they were very discomforting and that you would never enjoy watching them on a regular basis. Have you seen the finale? Of course.

I watch it. I watch it once a month to remind myself why I do what I do. Yeah, I love how it's all about how dinosaurs are going to become extinct because of all this bad stuff people are doing. I think that's funny. And maybe historically inaccurate. Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. Not the bubble. Woo! Someone's going to fly away after that. Yeah. By the way, is there something that can trigger you flying away?

Yeah, but you'll know when it happens. Okay, very good. Maybe it'll happen by the end of the show. We don't know. Whee! Oh, wait! Come back! Come back! Oh! I just... Oh, I got her, his little tiny foot dragging it down. Let me go, you bitch! What did we do? I don't know. It seemed like we just paused and you flew away. Whatever you said, did it. I can't remember anymore. Me either. Oh, well.

Boy, that would have been a... I wish I'd said that.

Have you seen the movie Reindeer Games? Ask me how many times. How many times have you seen it? Once. Oh. Not good? It's all right. You know, it's watchable. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. How many times have you seen Hoop Dreams, Santa? Oh, Hoop Dreams. You know what? It makes me cry every time, but I can't stop watching it. Is your favorite singer Kevin Rudolph? I don't even know who that is. Lil Wayne's guitarist? Oh,

Oh, Little Wayne's guitarist. Is his favorite singer? He's known for his singing? Well, he sang two solo songs, but I can think of. Oh, okay. What are those songs? I'll check them out. Something about, like, we're going to start it or something like that. Sure. Memorable. Are they on Spotify?

We're going to start it. Something like that. We're going to start it. Rock. Oh, let it rock or something like that. Sounds pretty good. Yep. Check it out. You might like it. I'll make a note of it. Okay. I got an iTunes gift card for Christmas. From who? Me. Wait a minute. You're on the naughty list? Yeah, how about that? Isn't that a shitty gift? Terrible.

Is it possible to make that in your toy workshop? iTunes gift card? We make them, but they're not valid. I see. But I make a code. Very frustrating. What did you do to get on the naughty list? Or I guess you have been since you were born. Yeah, original sin. Oh my goodness. It's not a good deal. Is it a lot like original sin that's derived from Cain and Abel? I feel like I'm taking up too much of the conversation. Wait, Cain and Abel.

Isn't that the original sin? The first murder? That's right. Well, I guess there's Adam and Eve. That was the original sin. They ate a bite of the apple. I don't consider that to be the original sin. That's not as bad as murder. No. I mean, the first one. That's why Santa made up Christmas, because he felt so bad about how bad he was. He wanted to make something good in the world. That's why I made up Christmas. Yep. But listen, you know, God did say specifically, don't eat the apple. He never told anybody not to murder.

That was a good point. That's true. That had to be set down in stone sometime later. Like, oh, God, guess what, guys? I also don't like that. Was God sort of like, oh, man, I forgot about the murder. I should have said something. All right, I'm not going to punish you guys. I think he thought it was just understood. Yeah, it should be. Hey, don't murder each other.

What if murder was okay? I'd love it. This is a good screenplay. Jean-Claude, would you like to be in this? A screenplay in which murder was okay? Well, no, it's the guy, the first line is, what if murder was okay? Yeah. And then the second line is, hey, shut up. And then it has a different plot. I don't know what the plot is yet. Well, keep working on it. Okay, can I contact you when I have something? Please, absolutely, yes. It's a very intriguing first exchange of dialogue. Oh, boy, I have an actor, I have a director on board. I have a plot.

And I have a... I have a plot. The plot. You need a plot. Okay. You said it's not going to be about that. Right. So really it's about these puppies who all learn how to play soccer. Right.

There's nothing in the rule book about that. I know. That's what I mean. Crazy. There's also nothing in the rule book that says puppies can't murder. That's nowhere in the Bible. That's true. Puppies are allowed to do anything they want. The Bible is just a handbook for human beings, not for animals. That's true. Wow. What if puppies wanted to murder people? Who says they don't? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, Santa.

Have you ever tried to have fun with a puppy and then it's gnawing on your hands and you're like, hey, take it easy, dude. I just want to pet you. 100% of that is accurate to my life. This is, I think, Santa Claus is on to something. I think he's on something. I don't want to bring it back to me, but for the proof that nature hates us. Very good. Good one, Werner. I like thinking of the Bible as a handbook.

I think Penthouse is a handbook, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I do know what you mean. I use my hands when I read that. Yeah, me too. Oh, a double ho-ho. That never happens. It looks like at one point, Michael Abelson, you are our winner. Congratulations. Fantastic. That's how we play Would You Rather. What a bunch of bullshit. Santa. Dude. Not fair, not fair.

Whatever, bro. Dude and bro? Yeah. Please don't talk during the Would You Rather and theme. I've never established that you can't talk during the end theme. Come on. That's a fair point. Come on, Michael. I just feel like the exterior could be gingerbread, you know, even if every other part of it. Jean-Claude, get off of it. It's food. It's not going to survive the climate of the North fucking Pole.

That's absurd where you put things in a refrigerator to help them survive. I think the cookies would be fine. I think there's kind of a difference between your fridge at home and the fucking North Pole. And there's no wildlife. What do I know? I'm just an immortal creature who lives there. There's no wildlife in your fridge to nibble on these walls as well. Good one, Scott. Thanks for backing me up. Okay. Yeah, you're welcome. These sound sarcastic. I'm being sarcastic, yeah.

being so sarcastic? I'm backing you up, you son of a bitch. How much wildlife do you think is eating gingerbread at the North Pole? I don't know, a fucking raccoon or something? A raccoon! Fight! Fight!

A snow raccoon? Oh, oh, come on. How, how? Okay. I would fight you. Why don't you come down here? Oh, I'll fucking fight you. Why don't you get down here right now? Take your goddamn stupid sleigh with your stupid reindeer, dasher, dancer, and all that. I'll throw up the sash, and I'll kick your fucking ass with it. Okay, make sure you got your nightcap on, because here I come. I'm hanging up right now. Okay. Okay.

Very good. I can't wait for Santa to show up. That seems like a mistake. You think so? He's almost here. Ho-Ho, does he have special powers of any sort? Uh, yeah. Oh, shit. Well, the fact that he cannot die will make him fearless in a fight. Oh, no. Yes. He has nothing to lose. I didn't think about that. He can't even die from murder? No. He also is very well padded with all of his layers and layers of fat. Oh, I didn't think about this. No.

I wonder if I can get out of this fight. Oh, shit. Nobody in here. Of course, it took him no time at all. Well, well, well. Look at this candy-ass motherfucker. You want to fight Santa? Is that what I fucking heard over FaceTime?

Because I'm ready to go! Bro-sif? S-s-s-s-santa. Oh, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b

How do you like that? How do you like it? Is this connecting? Am I connecting with you? Santa. Ho-Ho, save me. Ho-Ho, you're right. Watch this. Hi-ya. That's right, Ho-Ho. Get in there. Jean-Claude, where

Why are you joining in? Well, it's just that I have this important shoot tomorrow for Geico, and I don't want to risk being bruised. Everyone named Jean-Claude likes to fight. And to Abelson, why are you throwing punches? But listen, if you need a personal injury, Laura, when it's all done, I'd be happy to help you out. That's not your field! Die! Die! Die! Die! It does not feel good to just stand here and watch a man be beat to death by Santa Claus on an elf.

But I don't see that I have a better option. And an English person, three mythical creatures. Werner, what are you doing? I'm recording all of this. Is this your next film, like Grizzly Man? Fingers crossed. Oh, this is terrible. Had enough? I think I have. Yeah, all right. Remember that next time. It's it, I'm sorry. Piece of shit. See you at home. Santa, why did you throw $3 bills down at me on the ground?

What am I doing? What am I doing right now? You're touching your... I'm laying a finger on a cider bowl! Oh! Number four. Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, what else can you say? What else can you say but W-O-W? Wow should be spelled U-U-O-U-U, shouldn't it? Let's get rid of the W. Why do you say that? Because. Get rid of the W. Just make it two U's. Oh.

Wow. I don't like it. Ebullient. Ebullient. Vermillion. Vermillion. You vermin. Millions of vermin crawling all over you. The most beautiful word in the English language. Uh.

What a great clip. That may be my, personally, is that my number one? No. That stuff coming up is so good, but that's a great clip. That show might be my number one. That was so much fun. That was such a good show. It was so much fun to get to play with Lauren and Andy at the same time. Yeah, and Michael. And he was great. He was great. He was great. You always, anytime you put out one of these, hey, come be on the show things, you're like, oh, don't be annoying. Yeah.

And he was great. He was fantastic. You know, like came in at all the right moments. Yeah. You know, it was really funny. When in doubt, lay out. He knew when not to jump in there. Of course, a lesson I've never learned. Nor I. Nor my. Nor my lesson has been put that way. Nor my Donald. Nor my personage. So that was great. Nor my Donald. Oh, and there's also a guy, animated...

a clip from that animated essentially that clip where Santa Claus shows up at the studio. Yep. Drew Langlois Langlois? Langlois? D-R-U-E Ooh la la. Last April

I'm assuming it's a man, by the way. I don't know. Sure. It could be a girl named Drew. You can't start too low when you're doing Johnny Cash. You can't start too low when you're doing Johnny Cash. You can't start too low when you're doing Johnny Cash. You can't start too low when you're doing Johnny Cash. You can't start too low when you're doing Johnny Cash. Jizz!

Make a pizza. Jizz. Oh, wait, wait. The last name. Get a load of this last name. Where did it go? How did I lose it while we were singing? How did I lose this? Get a load of this guy. Last name. L-A-N-G-L-O-I-S. I don't even know how to begin. Langolos. Is it Legolas?

It's Legolas from the Langoliers. Oh, no. Remember when they found that elf on that plane? Yeah. Remember that cross? What do you call those? Crossover. Crossover. I got cross. You did get cross. Yeah, I got very cross when I couldn't think of that reference. I'm cross. I'm cross with you. All right. We got to wrap it up here for this episode. But when we come back on Thursday, New Year's Eve, by the way, what are you doing New Year's Eve? Listening to us, I hope. Oh, yeah.

What a great New Year's Eve. When we come back on that episode, we're going to count down your top three. That's exciting. That is exciting. But we're going to take you out here with... This was a really beautiful version of... We mentioned them before.

with John Lennon. But American Football sang an acoustic version of their song Never Meant, which a lot of people had only heard in the electric version. I only heard the drums part at sound check at that show one time. Right. We were trying to do a show. Listen to that episode to hear all the backstory. But I really liked this performance, so we're going to play you out on that. This is American Football Never Meant. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Let's just forget everything said and everything we did. Best friend and better house. Good night. We realized we were falling out. Don't say never did. Not to be overdramatic. I just think it's bad.

You can't miss what you forget. So let's just pretend everything and anything between you and me was never meant. Was never meant. Was never meant.

This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

Want to hear Earwolf Pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

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