Best of 2015 Pt. 4
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Dark is the color of my coffee. Jittery is the energy it gives me. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Benicio Del Borro. What? For that catchphrase. He's having fun with the name. He's having fun. And that's what we're going to do on this very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. That's right. Where we count down your top three.

three episodes of the year of Comedy Bang Bang. Don't listen to expecting... Not of everything. Yeah, not of anything in the world. There's a Meet the Press in there. So someone has watched one episode of Meet the Press that is so good, it's better than the entirety of Game of Thrones. Absolutely. It's so good at merits inclusion in a top three countdown of...

Everything. Episodes of anything. Just episodes. Podcasts, television. Oh, a weird psychotic break that I had. Sure. That episode got in there. And speaking of Scott, you're Scott Aukerman. Yeah. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Yeah. I'm your co-host for these countdowns. Yeah. You're the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah. I'm not. No, you're not. You're the host of Spontaneanation. That's right. I show up for these parts. Yep. And speaking of countdowns, not only are we counting down. You've piqued my interest.

I'm an interest peeker. And I pee. I also peek in the shower. Oh, no. Have you been? When I wash myself. How am I supposed to wash myself? Oh, without peeking? So when you're in the shower, you have your hands over your eyes and you peek through the little cracks. Oh, look at that.

I wear glasses in the shower that I've painted eyeballs on. Okay. So it looks like I'm looking straight ahead. So people are like who are passing by going, oh, he's fine in that shower. He's got his eyes open. Everything's fine. My shower is street level and it's outside of my house. Oh, sure. Yeah. And it's not a shower. It's just a hose that I put over a fence. Sure. Of course. This is a good story. I'm learning a lot about you. It's a great story.

Oh, my gosh. So not only are we counting down these episodes. Yes. Yum on. We're also counting down the hours to a new year. We are. Because this is New Year's Eve, is it not? Yes. And I did want to ask you something. Yes, sure. Maybe it's much too early in the game. But I thought I'd ask you just the same. Sure. What are you doing New Year's?

New Year's Eve. Jizz saves it. Saves it every time. Jizz saves it every time. Saves it every time. What are you doing New Year's Eve? Obviously, we're not taping this on New Year's Eve. You're listening to it on New Year's Eve. We taped this in the past. What are you doing New Year's Eve? What will I be doing on New Year's Eve? Yeah, what will you be doing?

Will you be awake at the stroke of midnight? I will be, yeah. My beloved and I, we often travel. Jay Janie Jameson. Jay Janie Jameson. She hates vigilantes. Sure. We travel back to Los Angeles on New Year's Eve from South Carolina. One memorable year, we rang in the New Year at Baggage Claim at LAX. Oh, 10! Was anyone shouting that? Here's what happened. We were like...

Such a long travel day. Was it delayed? Was everything delayed and everything? I think there was probably a delay. Okay. So people are not stoked to be there because they had hoped to get home earlier. Us and a bunch of other people standing waiting for our bags. Right. It took a long time. And then everyone's just... Gotcha. I don't know why it's a gotcha, but it is somehow. You dared to say something wrong.

I tried to slip that common phrase back to you. You got me again. We were standing there at Baggage Clay. Everybody's miserable. And then we heard out on the sidewalk, somebody went, happy new year. Oh, God. And then we all at Baggage Clay looked around and said, happy new year.

It would be so baller if you were to just turn to the person next to you and plant a big kiss on them. Like that picture from World War II? Yeah. The sailor and the nurse? Yeah, sailor and the nurse. Sailor and the nurse, all around the house. Here's what they do when they try to catch a mouse. Sailor and the nurse, sailor and the nurse. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, sailor and the nurse. Perfect. Moving on. Perfect. Guys,

Stick that in GarageBand. Isolate it. Put it on a loop. Go fuck yourself. Put it in RockBand. Put it in RockBand. Play along with it. See if you can win. See if you can win. It's good now. It's good now. It's good now. It's smart that we taped these all in one day. You know what? It's good now. It's good. It's good now that we do this.

It's like that Twilight Zone. The cornfield. Yeah, cornfield. It's good. It's real good. Stuart Cornfield. It's real good. That's right, for Red Hour. It's real good. Look him up. From old school. Look him up, everybody. Cab driver in old school. Zoolander 2, out soon. What are we doing? We're counting down your top three. Who are we? Who are we? Okay, let's start at the beginning. The Big Bang. There it is. What?

We have the... What you guys do for Comedy Bang Bang, if this is your first time listening, what are you doing? This is insane. Someone... Well, Scott, someone probably said... You know what? I'm going to listen to Best Of number four. If you're going to be my girlfriend, you've got to get into this comedy podcast I like so much. Oh, boy. That is the recipe for disaster. Indeed. And we are the cooks. Yes. Sugar to taste. Um...

A Dirk Francis mystery. A horse has been killed and cooked. Is it Dick Francis or Dirk Francis? A lot of horse mysteries. A lot of horse mysteries. I think more horse mysteries than actually occur in the world. Do you think the detective in this series of books, like when the phone call comes in, he's like, another horse? You've got to be kidding me.

I mean, after the first one, I figured I retired. Okay. Every fucking one. Because I used to work at a bookstore. Right. Every one of those fucking books has a horse and a jockey on the cover. How does a guy go, you know what? I'm going to write a bunch of horse mysteries. Is the detective a jockey? I don't know. I've never read one. Never will. Do they talk? Is the horse the detective? Wait a minute. What are you trying to tell me? Is he the murderer?

Give him some peanut butter. Maybe that'll make him talk. Oh, my God. Is it Dirk or is it Dick? I bet it's Dick. I think it's Dick Francis. Let me look it up. It's all for time. Tell you what. Look up horse and then Dick and see what comes up. Oh, good idea. Oh, no. Jeez.

Jizz. Jizz music. So we're counting down. People vote on their favorite Comedy Bang Bang episodes of the year. We count them down. This is the top three. These are the best of the year. And, you know, a lot through the year. Through the years, I never let you down. The tone of the song is like, here's the great things I did for you. And guess what? I never let you down. You fucking let down bitch. How dare you?

You let yourself down. I'm not the one who did it. Go make my pizza. Get Dick Francis on the case. It's Dick Francis, by the way. It is. Wow. And is he a horse? Did you find that out? Okay, look it up again. Let me just ask. Look it up, Pauly. Look it up. I'm going to ask Google, is Dick Francis a horse? Ask Siri. Look it up, Pauly. Look it up. Look it up, Pauly. Look it up. Look it up, Pauly. Look it up. Okay, we're going to ask Siri. Here we go.

Siri, is Dick Francis a horse? Oh, good news. It just says yes. Yes? Oh! It was a question. Hold on. Here we go. Come on, Siri. Don't let me down. Don't embarrass me in front of everyone. Siri. How can I help you? Is Dick Francis a horse? Checking. Oh. That's what I found on the web. Where is Dick Francis right now?

Here's what I found on the web. Well, the first thing is Wikipedia. Okay. So presumably that will tell us whether or not. If Dick Francis is a horse or not. Uh-oh, Dick Francis obituary. Uh-oh. Sorry, Dickie boy. You're dead. Are you a dead horse? Glue factory for Dickie boy. There's a picture of a man and a horse. I don't know which one is Dick Francis. Oh, well, we don't know. We'll never know.

Dick Francis lost that race. We shot him in the head. Let's just assume he's a horse. Okay. The court stipulates Dick Francis is a horse. And blow a nose and blow a nose. Blow a nose and blow a nose. Blow a nose and blow a nose. Oh, very good.

All right, why don't we get to it? What do you say? Yeah, man, let's do it. Let's get to it. Come on. I want to get to it. Let's do it. This is your episode number three. Number three. All right, here we go. This is the third most popular Comedy Bang Bang episode of the year, and this is episode 355 of...

Scott, can I stop you right there? Yes, please. This has been a year of many, many good episodes. Many good episodes. This is maybe the best year of Comedy Bang Bang yet. Some people say that, and I appreciate it. I've been working hard on it, but they're only as good as they can be when you do them. They're all improv, so you never know. Well, you took the fun out of that. Go ahead. Nope. No, it's...

It's been great. I think this is the best year. I really do. So many great people have dropped by this year and so many good classic episodes, I think. And these three are among them, definitely. But this is number three. This is from June 8th. This is an episode entitled Kid Detectives. Kid Detectives. Now, what this is is Thomas Middleditch, of course. You heard him earlier. Immediate fan favorite. Immediate.

From the moment it was released, it was bestowed upon him. Fan favorite, you are. I remember it was released and the fans got together and they said, we got to put out a press release. Here we go. Attention. Attention. To all people who listen to this thing. What are they talking into?

A Mr. Microphone? We'll be back to pick you up later. Hey, good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later. The two people who can hear this. Maybe my favorite reference of all time. Oh, my God. No one would ever...

It's the most – we've talked about it. I think we talked about it last year on The Bestows. Probably. The most disappointing gift to get. Yep. The most misleading commercial I think I've ever seen. Yeah. A Mr. Microphone was – according to the commercial, if you had it, you could walk by someone's radio and talk into the microphone and your voice would come out of their radio. Yes. And so it's like –

A guy had a Mr. Microphone and two good-looking women are driving like in a Jeep, an open-faced Jeep. An open-faced Jeep. Oh, my God. Excuse me. May I order an open-faced Jeep? Oh, my God.

Do you remember that episode of MASH where Klinger ate the Jeep? Oh, yes, I do. Open face. Open face, of course. But two women in a Jeep are driving by, and a guy speaks into his microphone and goes, hey, good looking. They all look around like, what is this? And then he's like, I'll be back to pick you up later. Or maybe he was in the car. I think he was in the car. Okay, sure. But whatever. But anyway. Oh!

The point of this all is you then order the Mr. Microphone, and I ordered one. Did you have one? No, I did not. Okay, you order it. I coveted it for sure. You order it, and what do you find out? That it will only be picked up on radios that are tuned to a certain station, and that certain station is in the lower frequencies in like the 87s or 86s or whatever. Yeah.

Where no one would ever tune their radio to. So it's like fun if you tune your own radio to it. Then you have a little loudspeaker. Then you have a loudspeaker. The end. Or you want to put it in another room. Here's how you think when you're a kid. I'll tune the radio to this style. I'll put it in the other room. And then I'll pretend like I'm a news announcer. Aliens have landed. Or I'll make fart sounds when someone sits down. Like...

Or that. Or that. But that's the only... Big difference in our childhood. That's the only fun to be had with this thing. Yeah. You can't do the, hey, good looking, I'll be back to pick you up later scam. What about the guy who was dancing down the street singing Jingle Bells? Ah, this motherfucker. Holding his radio. Like, we need him to sing a song. It's got to be the public domain, though. Yeah, what do we got? How about Jingle Bells? How about this melody? Wait, not any other note?

Just the one. Okay. Yeah, I'll do it. I blame the actor in the commercial too. I blame all of them. Sure. They should not have agreed to be in it. They're all complicit. They're all complicit. They're all complicit. I don't want to hear I was just following orders.

Can I tell you another misleading one? For me as a child, more misleading than the Mr. Microphone. Okay. There was a toy called Big Track. Big Track. It was like a futuristic tank kind of thing. And it was battery power, and the idea was it had a keypad that you could program it to do different moves and stuff. Okay. So you could program a sort of course for it to follow. Okay. And on the commercial, the kid is playing with it, and he's like, boop, beep, bop,

Presses on the keypad. And then big track goes around. It starts to go down. It looks like it's going to go down some stairs. But then it backs up, turns around, goes the other way. Backs up, turns around, goes the other way. That's right. You remember the song. Yeah, of course. At one point, it goes by that family cat. And then it turns and shoots a laser at the cat. Whoa.

Which was just like a little light flashed. But a great noise. And the cat like jumped out of the way. I think the cat just sat there. Yeah, it sounds like a cat.

When you actually got the toy, which I did. And I was thrilled to the gills to get this thing. Oh, my goodness. You can't figure – it takes so much trial and error to figure out the distance. Oh, you have to pre-program everything? Yeah, you pre-program everything. Oh, man. Meanwhile, your cat is sitting there going, come on. I'm waiting for my scene. Yeah.

Get back, jump back, turn the other way. That's what I call the big track today. Oh, we're losing our minds. We really are. Okay, did we do it yet? No, we didn't. We're going to get to it. So it's number three. Number three. This is Kid Detectives. Kid Detectives! So Thomas was, people kept asking me, get Thomas back. Wait, we can have him back. Him back. Paul, if Tom gets his auntie.

on too much. No. Have Paula have Tompkins on more, they say. Oh. That didn't happen? I think what the situation of this was, Thomas and Lauren were at a show, at an improv show, and they started improv-ing these characters for like five minutes. And then, I think it was Thomas called me up and said, me and Lauren want to do a show together. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, okay. What do you want to do? And he told me what they were. So these guys are on as themselves because they had the Silicon Valley season finale was on that week and Lauren was in Jurassic World that week. Oh, that's right. So they were on as themselves, which was strange for Lauren to do. But that was really funny. And then the next segment we came back and here are the characters they're doing.

The Kid Detectives, this is your number three. Number three. These are a couple of interesting young children who have their own business we'll talk about. I want to welcome JJ and Murphy O'Malaman. Hey. Hey. Are you saying hey to each other? Oh, yeah. We haven't seen each other in a while. Oh, hey. Hey. Yeah, we haven't seen each other in like, I don't know, 20 minutes. Hey.

Okay, well, turn your focus to me and say hey to me. What do you say? Hey. Hey. Okay. Yeah, when an adult says hello or introduces you, it's customary to... To bow. No, no, you don't have to bow. Please stop that. Please. You're doing like a Japanese half bow. Please stop that. I recently learned that. Yeah, from the Japanese. Uh-huh. Yeah. Now, you kids, how old are you guys?

Well, I'm 10. You could say I'm 8. Okay, I will say it because it's the truth or are you lying? No, you could say it, but I'm really 11. We're having fun. That's a lot of fun. We like to have fun. What was the distance in between your births? Was it nine months or was it a year and a half or...

Yeah, it was about nine months. My parents, they did it once. They had me, and then they did it again and had him. Yuck. So what's your birthday? Yeah, I remember them doing it. Murphy, what's your birthday? It's September 6th. Uh-huh. And so, JJ, that would make yours then... 9-11. Okay, that makes sense. All right, so now...

You guys have an interesting business, I know. You could say that. Yeah. Wait, so do you or don't you? We do. Well, we think it's pretty normal, but I understand that not a lot of kids do it. Yeah, well, not a lot of kids have businesses, nor are they entrepreneurs. Yeah, I guess that's true. We've been trying to get this business off the ground for a while, but it's really working out now. Yeah, it's really humming. So you guys have gotten it off the ground. Yeah, it's flying. Yeah, are you incorporated or...

What do you have, an LLC? I don't know. How do you answer that? Do you just cash under the table? Grown-up questions make me nervous. Look, we just get monies from the...

Do you accept traveler's checks, diner's club? Just dollars and cents, sir, please. Dollars and cents, okay. Yeah, look, pal, it's just a detective agency, that's it. We're kid detectives. You're kid detectives? Yeah, solving crimes and making people do time. You're putting people in jail? Yeah.

Meaning your testimony. Do you perform citizen's arrests? We lock them up in the slammer. We built our own jail in my dad's basement. What? Yeah, it's cool. Okay, I don't know that it's cool. How many convicts do you have down there? We got three rotting right now. Yeah. Serving their time. Everyone is rotting, technically. I guess so. Wow, what a creep.

From the moment you're born, your body starts decaying and dying. Hey, this guy's making me nervous. So, well, that's adorable. So, I mean, other than the locking people up, I believe you're depriving them of their constitutional rights by locking them in. Or are the police aware of this? No, the cops don't know. Did you notice our uniforms?

Yeah, we don't have any uniforms. We're in street clothes. Civvies! Wait, what did you say? Do you notice our uniforms? And then you, of course, said, of course we don't have any. He said, did you notice them? And then, how could you? They're non-existent. Yeah, of course.

Very good. So if you were to have uniforms. Our uniforms are shorts and t-shirts. Just kid clothes, buddy. Okay. Yeah. So how did you get interested in this? I mean, this is an interesting occupation for a young child to be in. I mean, a lot of kids, they're out there on the playground or they're like, hey, I love my dolly. I like my Barbies. We'll tell you.

One night, a couple of our friends dared us to go in Old Man Withers' old abandoned house. That's creepy. Yeah. And we said, I don't know, that looks scary.

Now, is that a direct quote? Yeah. That's why you were stuttering like that? Is that exactly what you said at the time? Well, our knees were knocking, sir. Oh, okay. Certainly. Sir. Thank you for that modicum of respect directed at me. Yeah. So they dared us to spend one night in there, and we did it, and there was a ghost, and we found out that all it was wanting was just to know that people really remembered it.

Okay, alright, so a real ghost. Yeah! Are you guys nervous right now? Yeah! Just talking about it? I'm scared, just thinking about the ghost. Yeah, well we had our notepad and our flashlight and a bunch of marshmallows. And our backwards hats. Okay, so did the marshmallows come into play ever? No.

We ate him for sustenance. Yeah, you big dumb doy-doy. Okay. Maybe you used it to catch the ectoplasm. Okay. Ecto-what? Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Who is this guy? Now, I don't know that this is detection work as much as going into a house and just seeing a ghost. Well, we haven't told you about our current...

Did you guys hear that, by the way? There was like a door squeak. That's what made me stop in my words. Yeah, stop right in my words. Stop right in my words. Yeah, because you said your current crime, but you must have meant current crime stopping. Yeah, we're on a case right now. Yes, case, what I meant. Oh, okay, what is the case you're on right now? Case! Well, somewhere in the city of Los Angeles, there's a guy who's skinning women alive. And what...

skinning women alive? Yeah, and we've come across a couple of skinned bodies still sort of in their last moments of life. They've been flayed. Yeah. And we're taking it upon ourselves to figure out who did it. Yeah. How did you come across these bodies? I mean, one is weird enough, but you've come across more than one? Well, the first one was our mom. Yeah, and we sure do miss her.

But don't worry. We put her out of her misery real quick. We put a bunch of salt on her. Yeah. Wait a minute. That is not putting. She shrunk up like a slug. That's not putting someone out of their misery. That's lengthening their pain. To put her out of, you know, I would have grabbed a brick or something and bashed her in the head or something like that. Hey, that's her mom.

Okay. She dried up like a salt lick. Yeah. Okay. So this was the first case? This was the first instance of this happening? Yeah.

Yeah. And then, you know, well, we wandered around town, kind of sad, kind of missing our mom. Yeah, our dad wasn't around. Ever since that happened, he's been on the lam. Yeah, we wonder who did it to our mommy. And so we went out searching, and we found other ladies from her book club who were all flayed and dead. Yeah. Other ladies from her book club? Yeah. Okay, so we think it has something to do with the book they were reading. Yeah, what book were they reading? A Tale of Two Cities. Did you hear that? Is that that ghost again? Oh, man. Good, good, good.

Ghost! So they were reading A Tale of Two Cities. They were reading A Tale of Two Cities by Dickens? No. No. An updated version. By J.K. Rowling. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And are all of the women, you went around to the women in this book club. Why did you go to the first one, by the way? Well, we wanted to see if maybe they knew who killed our mom. Yeah. These are her closest friends? Yeah. Nancy, who's the first woman we stopped at, she was always really nice. She took us in when we were running away from our dad sometimes. Oh, okay. Because sometimes our dad would chase us with a knife and say he was going to skin us. Oh, okay. Well, that's interesting. But moving on to the case...

Nancy is the first woman you drop by, and where was she? Describe the scene. Well, we opened the door, and then we went through the hallway, and then we went to the kitchen, which was covered in blood, and the skins. And she had Hostess cupcakes. Yummy! Cool, so we had a bit of a cupcake right there and then. Our mom never let us have those when she was alive. Yeah, so we split one in two, and then each had a half. We don't want to overdo it. So you had a quarter of a cupcake.

No, I said half. Oh, I thought you meant you split one in two and then each had a half of that half. I had an eighth of an eighth. Math is getting very complicated for me right now. All right, so you haven't seen the body at this point. No, sir. And we went upstairs to her room. We went in her bathroom and she was in her tub.

Yeah. Any water in the tub? Or I would imagine there's a lot of blood. Just blood. Yeah, just a whole lot of blood. And her face with no skin and no nose. How did you recognize her? How did you know it was Nancy? She was holding the book. Yeah, and she was still alive. Oh, and she said, my name is Nancy in case you don't recognize me? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, it sounds like you were there. Oh, no, I...

Hey, were you there? Well, no, I have an alibi for that night, certainly. Where the heck were you that night? Well, I have an alibi for May 31st, of course. How do you know what day it was? What? Okay, Murph. Good cop, bad cop. Okay, take notes. All right, mister. Want a snack? Yeah, I would love a snack. I mean, do you have any kind of, like, dry peanuts? Sure, I'll get some from 7-Eleven. You be bad.

Now listen up, Bozo. Hey, where were you? Because I have a red nose because all my capillaries in it have burst because of my drinking. Doesn't mean that you can call me Bozo. I don't suppose you were drinking on the night of June 6, 19...

I'm back. What date are you talking about? I'm talking about the D-Day invasions again. He said it was May 31st. Oh, sorry. What were you doing on May 31st? Killing a... I mean, I was sitting around at home by myself, not calling anyone on the telephone. Oh, he was going to say killing time. Oh. Let me see your wallet. Oh, certainly. Here you go. $2? $8? $12? $100? $112? $112?

One plus one plus two, that's four. Four Washington Lane. The next clue is in the White House. Let's go! Four Washington Lane. You guys are going to be lost.

What are you talking about? No, no. That's not where... Lost. Lost the show. John Locke. L-O-S-T. Four letters. Four letters. For Washington Lane. The next clue is at the White House. Let's go. Guys, sounds like you just want to go to the White House and you don't know where it is. It is. It is. Four letters for Washington Lane. The White House. Okay, let me give you... Next clue is at the White House. We have to go. What are we doing? We're wasting time.

Let me give you a tip. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That's where you want to go. So you know the location we have to go to for the next clue. I don't think there's any clues at this White House. I think we were right. The clue is at the White House all along. Yeah. Just because you stress something doesn't mean that it makes sense. It sounds like the clue is at the White House this whole time. Okay, no, guys. Wait, there's a White... We live in a White House. Mom? Dad? Who killed Mom? Okay, guys, what...

Looking through my notes, pictures, drawings of mom. She's dead. Okay. Can I say something about your deductive reasoning skills? If you gotta. Geez. I don't know that you're that good at...

Okay. Hey, we've solved a bunch of cases. Yeah. Who are the three guys in the basement? Well, one's our principal. Okay. By the way, are these guys that your dad just chased around with a knife and locked up in the basement? No, our principal was really mean, so we locked him up to teach him a lesson. Yeah, and he was also spying on kids. What crime is he spying on kids? He put toes in the bathroom wall, and he put his eyes behind the holes. Yeah, and then when he was getting ready, he shoved his wiener in there.

At what point was he good and ready? When he said, I'm good and ready, here comes the wiener. He sang the dreidel song. And when it's good and ready, I'll shove it through the wall.

He said, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay. When it's good and ready, I'll shove it through the wall. Okay. It's a strange catchphrase for this guy. But... Yeah. Well, that's what Mr. Solberg gets. But you need to know what his penis looked like. Oh, okay. A dreidel. Yeah. It was pointy and thin coming out, and then got really wide, and then pointy at the bottom. Yeah, and it had all those symbols on it. Oh.

Oh, okay. Like none. Yeah, he was a dibbock. Okay. So this was the first guy that you put away? Yeah, you could say that. Okay, is it true? Yeah. Yeah, well, the first guy we tried to put away, he ran. So we shot him. Oh, boy. What was his crime?

Running away. Oh, okay. Was it sort of a stand your ground law kind of situation? Look, when two kids of the law come up to you and start asking questions, don't run away. That just makes you look guilty. Ah, okay. What were you asking questions about?

Well, where's the nearest peanut store? And like, what do you do if you wet your pants but you don't have new ones? Yeah, and how can you cry as quiet as you can? And like, what do you do if your dad comes to smack you in the head? Yeah, and if you've shaved half your head by accident, how long will it take for the rest of it to grow back? And if you have a scrape up your back from being whipped, what does that mean? Yeah, and how long would it take to peel off all your fingernails and will it hurt?

And then he ran away from you two weird creepy kids and then you brought out a gun and shot him in the back? Yeah. We're not creepy. We're detectives. Yeah. We keep the creeps off the streets. I see. I see. I understand. But we do pack heat. Oh, okay. Yeah, we shot him with a potato gun. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, that's not that bad, right? It broke his skull. Oh. And lodged into his brain? Yeah, and he's allergic to potatoes. Oh, okay. Okay.

Which we knew. Okay, so this is premeditated. Yeah. Oh my gosh. We're not klutzing around. All right, so that was the first guy, and then you moved on to your principal, and then there were a couple others, and then... Yeah. Also, we solved the crime of who stole the treasury from the student body at our school. Oh, who was this? Well, it turned out to be class president Janine Garofalo. Janine Garofalo? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We let her become a famous stand-up comedian. Yeah. Wait, so was she sort of like, you know how they gave Dr. William H. Cosby a honorary doctorate? Was she honorary class president because she was so famous? Yeah. Did she go to your high school? No, we're not in high school. We're in elementary. Oh, that's right. You're in elementary school. Yeah, you big dumb doink doink. Well, I mean, yeah, okay. Oink, oink, oink. I'm Scott Ackman. I'm a pig. Hey, come on. Come on. I'm a pig. I just want to eat popcorn and gold. Okay.

Oh, God. You know what? I don't really appreciate that kind of characterization of me. You know, I mean... Wait, wait, wait. Let me roll around the mud. Okay.

Okay. That was real. That was really good. Yeah. We've seen you. What? We've seen you roll around the mud. Yeah, we saw you in front of your house. One, two, three, cherry face lane. Yeah, what have you guys been doing there? Well, we've just been following clues. Let's just say you're on the suspect list. Yeah, we didn't want to tell you, but you're our number one. Wait, is that why you guys are here? Is that how you got on the show? Is it because you wanted to interrogate me? You could say that.

Yeah, you could say that. Four words for Washington Lane. The next clues at the White House. Guys, guys, no.

Take us there, Mr. Ackerman. No. Come on, let's drive. I can't tell if I'm... It won't take that long, sir. I can't tell if I'm a suspect in this crime or whether you just are looking for a field trip. Well, both. Because the fun part about searching for clues is that you get to learn lessons along the way. And what better lesson to learn than our nation's history at the White House? Maybe we can meet Mr. Obama. Oh, cool. You guys are interested in history?

Obviously, you know a little bit about the invasion of Normandy. Oh, man. Gold, Juno, sword. Those are all the Commonwealth and British beaches. Cool. All I care about is the Challenger exploding. That's all you want to know about? Yeah. That's the only piece of American history you're interested in. Yeah, and I haven't learned much. Man, she loves that Challenger explosion. I watched the video over and over. Yeah, the night our mom died, that's all she did.

The night that lady who was a teacher who had a dream died in a spaceship. I knew it would be the best video I've ever seen in my life. Okay, all right. I have to ask you guys...

Are you really trying to solve this crime of your mother being flayed alive and eventually leading to her demise? Well, wouldn't you want to solve it if your mommy was flayed? Sure. Wouldn't you want to know who did that to your mommy? Sure, but are you sure that maybe you guys didn't, you know... Do it?

We've never had sex. No way. We're brother and sister. That's my sister. We've only finger banged. Yeah, that's my brother. I really jerked him off. Okay, guys.

Wait, you're 10! So? You're 10! She's 11! Oh, okay. And kids gotta get it on! Alright, alright. Guys, guys. If there's one thing we know, kids gotta get it on! After you poured salt on your mother, you guys didn't do any weird stuff over the body, right? I mean... Not weird, unless you think it's weird to ride her like a pony with my brother's arms around my waist. What?

Okay. I don't know where that falls on the weird spectrum. I'm not really sure. I never imagined it. I was just holding on. And sometimes the ride gets real bumpy, so I got to grab her breasts. Okay. It's cool. All right. Number three. Oh, so good. So good. We didn't even get to the special mind control powers that Thomas' character had, where he says he broke a dog once. Right.

That's coming up in that. So go back and listen to that complete thing. It's very, very funny. And so many people constantly tweeting to me, Lauren, and Thomas about 4 Washington Lane. Oh, me too, by the way. I wasn't even in. I had nothing to do with it. But I feel like anything I've ever tweeted that had the number 4 in it, someone would— It gets stuck in someone's mind. Wait a minute. 4 Washington Lane. The next clue is in the White House.

So good. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have your top two episodes of the year. We'll be right back. Are you listening to the worst coming up? Yeah.

Bang, bang.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tompkins! Hey, that's me! You're Scott Aukerman. I am. I recognize you from the money. From the money? You're on money, right? I'm on money, yeah. Yeah, I decided. That's cool.

That's all the money I get from Earwolf. Yeah. That may not be valid. Earwolf bucks. Yeah, Earwolf bucks. They're only valid here in the Earwolf studios to spend on things. In the company store. Yeah, it's a lot like the Wheel of Fortune, the old Wheel of Fortune, when you could just buy things that were... That was the best when they would... Take up so much time. They would have all this stuff. And the people would...

I guess there was a time limit on it, right? Because the people were like, I'll take the vases. I'll take the broil. They instilled a time limit in it mainly because people were like, maybe I'll get the chips. Dining room set. Chairs. Chairs.

Terrible prizes. It's strange how slow that show used to be. But then again, it wasn't loaded with ads back then. So they barely have enough time to do the episode now. Think about everyone shopping every time someone won a clue. Shopping. Women be shopping!

All right. Let's get to it. Let's. Let's do it. This is your number two. Number two. All right. This is an episode, episode 336 from February 22. This is an episode called Not Farts and Procreation 4. Oh. Oh. Very special episode. VSE. VSE. VSE. VSE.

I want to say VSP. I don't know why. Maybe the P in episode. Special. Special VSP. Special episode. Let's just call it a VSP. Yeah, VSP. It is a VSP. I like it from now on. This was the, what's the thing that comes to mind when you think of this episode? This was the fourth in the Farts and Procreation series.

Well, that's the thing that most people think. I guess so, yeah. What a weird question. I don't know how to answer it. No, of course, this was our good friend Harris Whittles, his last episode of Comedy Bang Bang ever.

True. That is not the first thing that comes to mind, though. No, what is it? Well, I mean, I don't know. I guess it's the way you asked that question. I feel like I was assuming. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I don't know what the fuck you were thinking either. That's what you were thinking.

For those of you maybe new to the program who just started this year, a gentleman named Harris Whittles was a regular on the podcast for several, several years. He's in the television show as well, playing a couple parts. Probably most importantly, the temp who was taking over for Bookie for an episode. And by the way, I don't know if I've talked about this, but...

On that last day that I talked to him when I was at the wedding, I talk about it a little bit in the intro for this episode where we recorded this episode that you're going to hear a segment from. Yeah.

like five days before Harris passed away. And then, uh, I don't know. It was that close. Yeah, it was, it was that close days, something like, I think it was five or six days before, uh, then two or three days later, I saw him at a wedding and, uh, we talked about what we talked about in, and you can listen to this episode and hear the intro for it. But also one thing that he was, he,

he'd been trying to get me to do was bring his character back on the TV show as a regular. As a regular! As a regular, yes. He wanted to be on the show every episode.

And I kind of wish I had, honestly. But he was really making a hard sell for that while we were at this wedding. Yeah. He's like, I don't know if the guy can come back, you know? I mean, I'm trying to do him, but I can't really do him. It's a little Cosby. You know. The guy can come back. Ben Carson with the pyramids. I'm going to open up your skull and look at your brain. And the brains.

I love brains. I want to open up as many schools as possible. Don't you know? Don't you know? Don't you know? Um, anyway, so yeah, we recorded this five days before Harris passed away. If you're new to the show and you don't know the whole, uh,

the whole history of it. Harris was great. He, he was not only on this show a lot, but, uh, well, he and I had a separate podcast, the Analyze Fish podcast that we did very few episodes. You're part of the Analyze Fish family. That's the extended Analyze Fish family. But I feel like we only did six episodes maybe. And you did two as part of, you were analyzing the movie Jaws. Yes. Uh,

analyze fish. Yes. And he and I were analyzing the band fish. That's right. One of the strangest podcasts, which a ruse in history, uh, some people not happy about it. Nope. But in the story and history of podcasts, which a ruse, that was one of the strangers. Um, he was also on you talking you to, to me, a couple episodes of that and, uh, very funny dude. And who, you know, I, when we've seen it since he passed away, uh,

10 months ago now, we've seen how his influence has, uh, has kind of extended from, from parks and recreation to humble brag to his standup to these podcasts. And, uh, so, you know, we talk about it in the episode. I didn't know whether to release this or not because it was so fresh. Uh,

So fresh and so clean. Where's that drop? But I'm glad that we did. And honestly, I am because – and I talk about this a little bit in the episode. When we had a get-together at my house where a lot of his friends came over to our place to talk about him right after it happened, a lot of people were saying how they had been listening –

his podcast episodes just to, you know, hear his voice again, hear his sense of humor. Everyone was quoting all of his Harris's foam corners. So, you know, I'm glad I put it out. You should be. I'm glad you put it out too. And I think it really was, I think it was helpful for people

those of us that knew Harris and I, I didn't know him as well as you did, but Harris was a guy who in my life was somebody that I was always happy to see that every time I saw him, he was, um,

just a positive force. You know what I mean? Like I always had great conversations with him and it was like a little bit of joking around, but we could have real conversations. Yeah, he was a real guy. Yeah, he really was. And he liked, he really liked to engage with people on a human level. I would always go pick up, he would dog sit Rocky several times and I would always go pick him up and I would always leave like an hour and a half.

in that so I could just kind of like sit down with him and chat with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a really good and sweet guy. So in addition to helping those of us that knew Harris, it was great to hear that, and it really was helpful to hear that. I think that it helped a lot of people who were

of the show who only knew Harris through his work. Well, it would be weird if he just disappeared too. Yeah, absolutely. It was kind of like we had this one in the chamber. Yeah. So, you know, why not put it out? Yeah. And I also think for a lot of younger people who are comedy fans who maybe haven't experienced this kind of loss in their life yet, you know, that it was helpful to kind of get

hear this after that happened? I don't know, just to ease the pain a little bit. Well, I'm glad people liked it. I'm glad people voted for it. And I

You know, I almost, when I put it out, I was kind of like, do I even put it in the voting? I almost feel like it's like to vote on it is, but at the same time, who cares? People, you know, it's not number one. It shouldn't even be number one. Like it's, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like to sympathy vote. It is not the right thing to do, but it is super, super funny. And I'm going to play the first segment from it, not in its entirety, but quite a bit of it.

And this is, of course, Harris Whittles as well as Adam Scott and Chelsea Peretti. And Chelsea's – I was listening to it last night. Chelsea's in a great mood and so funny. And Adam, of course, is great. And we're just having a really, really good time. So this is not Farts and Procreation 4, the final one in the quadrilogy. And here it is. This is your number two. Number two.

Let me introduce you collectively. The Farts and Pro crew is here. Hello, guys. Welcome to the show. It's been too long. It took four years to schedule this. Yeah, we've been trying to schedule this fourth one since the first one. How long has it been since the last one? Who cares? I'm not a fucking historian. Well, I am.

You definitely were not in the calendar year of last year. I think it was the summer of the year previous, 2013. So we're going on two years. So I know what you did that summer. I know what you did that summer. So wait, I know what you did that summer. I know what you did that summer. But what did you do last summer? Should we just talk about what we all did last summer? Sure, why not? I don't remember anything. I put on a spooky mask. I killed a bunch of teenagers.

Wow. The air conditioning ended right as there was a pause. It just literally took the air out of the room. Oh, man.

Guys, what is happening? First of all, you're all here. How do you feel about Parks and Rec ending? I mean, Adam, no one knew who you were before then. You had tiny little pop-up roles in Veronica Mars. And, you know, of course, you were in Saved by the Bell. What were you in? What?

You played Mr. Belding. Yeah, so... That was pretty well known. Thank you, Chelsea. And you used to get like a handy every week on Tell Me You Love Me. That's right. You were Jack A. That's right. Jack A off on 227. Jack A-ing.

So this was a career milestone for you. And then Harris and Chelsea, I mean, you were both writers of note, perhaps, in tinier projects, but this has made your careers. How do you feel about the end of this program? Adam is crying. Adam, what's going on? I hope those are tears of joy. Well, it's hard. What is? Oh, my God. My penis. Oh!

And that makes you cry? Why are you crying about that? It hurts. It's natural. Has it been four hours or more? It makes me so happy. So they're tears of joy. It's hard. Okay. All right. How seldom do you get a hard penis? You cry. Every 20 minutes. You get a hard one every 20 minutes and you cry every 20 minutes? Is this year round or just during pilot season? Well, for me, 20 minutes is two weeks.

Oh, my God. Okay, all right. Oh, well, time's a flat circle. Oh, my God. That's true, yeah. I think I left my... Oh, no. What's going on, Chelsea? What's going on with you, Lee? Say it. Share it. No, no, no, no, no. Say it out loud. Chelsea has not stopped taking things out of bags. She has two bags. First of all, she has a bag inside her bag. She took that out. And then she has a sunglasses bag inside that bag she took out. Can you play that Erykah Badu bag lady song now? Yeah. Thank you.

Speaking of bag inside a bag, there was that baby that was born with a baby in her belly. What? What? In China, it was the 200th reported case of it. Really? So somewhat... Population out of control. That's like babies having babies, literally. Total jinx. God, the doctor probably didn't know whether to slap it on the fanny or congratulate it. Or abort. Or give it an abortion. Or slap it on the fanny, then give it an abortion. Yeah.

Do you understand how small that coat hanger is? Oh,

That's not how they do it at a hospital. That's so hacky. Was that, was that, was the baby inside the baby? Was the tiny, tiny baby, was that one dead? That one, the baby inside, no. Actually, she just graduated magna cum laude. Wow. Yeah. They're gonna abort it with a Barbie coat hanger. I like this, yeah. I like this. I like this line of thinking. This is good. I love this. This is a rich mine. Let's stay in this. Let's live in this. Wow.

How do you feel, guys? The show's ending tomorrow. Empty. It's sad, but it's also happy because it's still good. What's still good? The show. Oh, you think so? Since Chelsea left, I don't know. How do you feel, Harris? I'm sad, but happy that everyone's enjoying it.

Yeah, he took the words right out of my mouth. Oh, Jesus. The reluctance. Why can't you guys just for once say, look. It's sad. I haven't learned how to connect with my emotions. Look, it's sadder when things are canceled prematurely. I feel like this is like when an old person dies. You're like, well, they had a good life. Like Parks, I feel like they had such a full, rich. It was canceled at the right time. It wasn't canceled. It wasn't canceled.

I mean, technically it was. We didn't want any more episodes. They chose, we chose to walk away on top. You didn't choose anything, Harris. Come on. My penis is hard. Oh man, this is unrelated again. Oh crap.

You're telling me that if they came to you guys, to Mike Schur and said, hey, you know what? We actually want more than 13. We want 22. No. And we want another season. That happened. They were like, we want four more seasons. Bullshit. And Mike said, nope, walking away. Bull fucking shit. And I was in the room. It was me, Mike, Les Moonves. He's not even on NBC. He just wanted to be there. Is he like Uatu the Watcher? He's there for important events? Exactly. Okay.

And I said, Mike, we can't walk away. We got stories left to tell. Harris, you're a passionate writer. Yeah. And then Les was like, dollars, baby. Come on. I want those dollars, baby. Buku Dolores. Buku Dolores. And I, you know, I killed him. Hmm.

So what really happened? Wait, who did you kill? Les Moonves. He's dead? He's dead. How does Julie feel about this? I don't know who that is. Julie Chen? Julie Chen, only one of the both. Oh, yeah. She has a parking spot. Where? She does. At Radford. Whoa, bro. I will straight sit at that parking spot. So does Les Moonves. He does. He does? At CBS Radford? Oh, because it's CBS. Yeah. Well,

Well, that's fantastic. CVS Radford? The CVS on Radford Street? No, it's the studio pharmacy. CVS Pharmacy, they have at Laurel Canyon and Ventura, there are two CVSs right across the street from each other. Bananas! But I think, yeah, well, it's cool because if one CVS doesn't have your...

I don't know what fucking tampons. Jesus. Then you go across the street and you buy your what? Fucking maxi pads? Christ. Or if you keep getting an embarrassing disease over and over and you have to get your pills, you alternate so they think you have the clap only once or twice a year instead of like every three months. Is a clap still a thing? Measles! No, measles is the new thing. But, you know, gonorrhea is still a problem, guys. Are you guys anti-vaxxers? I don't

I don't know how I feel. I assume it's good to get vaccinated just because all the measles photos I saw. It's a real hot button issue these days. Isn't it? Let's go to Hot Topic. I'm not touching that with a 10-foot pole. Why, Harris? You love controversy. Oh, not this. This is too rich. Oh.

Harris is controversial on everything else, but now he's suddenly death mute. And dumb. That's controversial. Don't forget that. You're being ableist. I learned that from Tumblr. Yeah. So, anyway, the show's gone. Good riddance. You guys are fine with it. Oh? Yeah, you know what? Something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. Do you guys play that in the final episode? Thank you, Mom.

We just aired that music video the full 21 minutes slowed down. Although it's an hour. You're right. It's an hour. You guys have an hour finale? What do we have planned on the finale? By the way, by the time this airs, there will be a very special guest will have made an appearance. Meaning on last week's episode? Yeah. Who? Who?

Do you know who I'm talking about? You guys can just say it. If it's who I think, then you're not really at liberty to discuss. Genuine was already on. Yeah, you're right. You guys can just say it because it aired last week. All right, we'll say it. Nick Offerman. Yeah. Why are you guys being so cagey? Because it's not, you're not privy, bro. Oh, shit.

But it happened last week. You're not fucking privy. It happened last week. Get privy. I think... Get privy. Okay, it's Lenny Kravitz. Getting privy with it. Whoa! Lenny Kravitz. Really? And Katy Perry. And Left Shark. Yay! Left Shark?

Do you not know about this meme? No. Hashtags. Oh, dude. What's that? Can we stop the show? Yep, here we go. Click. All right, what do you got, Harris? Left Shark was Katy Perry's backup dancer at the Super Bowl. Oh, right, right. And he was doing crazy stuff, like dancing all weird. So what happened? Well, Left Shark, it turned out, was a convicted serial perpetrator.

No. No, that's not what happened at all. I was like, I didn't hear that. You mentioned cereal and I got excited because that's my favorite podcast. That invented podcast. You know what? That got me so addicted to podcasts. Podcasts. What's your favorite cereal pedophile? Mine's Jim. Is this Foam Corner? By the way, let's hear the Foam Corner theme. Here we go. Oh, fuck. All right.

That, of course, is the phone corner theme by Reggie Watts, who is concluding his run on...

Comedy Bang Bang. And it was announced last week who's replacing him, Kid Cudi. We're very excited about that. That's exciting. Whoa. He's got so much. Thanks for all your tweets about that. He's got so much excitement about the new gig and a lot of enthusiasm. So I'm looking forward to him being on the show. Harris, you got some foam? Yeah. So, okay. Okay.

You know. Oh, boy. You know. You know in the. Stick the penis. You know how like. Oh, boy. You know there's like candy and. Is this Harris's meltdown corner? I think there's candy and like mints in bathrooms sometimes. Yeah, I know that. Well, that's like.

The last place I want my open food is around all this shit. Where do they have open mints in a bathroom? In fancy... The fancier the place, the more open the mints are. No. Yeah, just like... But they're usually in wrappers. I don't give a fuck. You can wrap it in a fucking...

Jacket? That's not enough. Do you think the shit smell wafts over to the mince? Is that what you're concerned about? No, it's the literal particles. Like shit molecules. Yeah, I never eat in a bathroom. Here's another one. Coins are so worthless now that it's gone from

You can keep the change to... Can you keep the change? Wow. That's like a Drabble cartoon. I enjoyed it.

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based on, like, memories? Like, I got a really good movie theater blowjob in eighth grade, and I feel like that's a— What are you doing in eighth grade that that's what you're doing? I know. That does seem young to get a blowjob. That wasn't even my first. Really? How many? That was my 97th. What? But do you think it was a good— From 97 different women?

Yeah, it was the year 97, coincidentally. Wow! And ever since, I've tried to get the amount of year it is. So you've only had 15 blowjobs this year? Yeah.

Well, I'm hoping that they find out this year is only one A.D. What? I don't know what you're talking about. Because I've only gotten one. Oh. So like some sort of new calendar? You know who it's from? Who? Me. Really? You can suck your own dick? Yeah. Bro. Check it out. Bro, that's amazing. Check it out. Can I see you do that?

Oh, my God. Your dick is like a straw. You're sucking, like, jism right out of your ball sack. Finally, people talking about dicks. Yeah. Chelsea, you want to weigh in? Love them. Yep. Sometimes. They're okay, right? Sometimes. Yep. I have a question about... They're shaped like that to scoop the competitors' cum out. Historically, that is true. You have a question, Adam. Can I talk?

I have a question about your eighth grade blowjob. You said it was really good. Was it really good because you were in the eighth grade, or do you think now it would stand up to all of the blowjobs? Would it stand the test of time? Having the penis you have now, would it still be a good blowjob? I think it was really good, but yeah, you make a valid point. How old was she, by the way? She was 79.

Did you come to the movie theater together? Yes. Was it your grandma? Did you come together? Not my grandma. Yeah. Did you do anything in return? Tell the story, bro. It was oddly like I laid down on the dirty ass floor. What? No. I swear to God. Really? Was it the front row? Was it the front row?

Wasn't it giving you flashbacks too? The writer's room at Parks, all we did was listen to Harris tell stories about himself. His blowjobs were a big hot topic. It was just nonstop. So wait, you laid down. Why did you lay down? But once again,

He's asking me questions. Well, who brought up the blowjob, though, to be fair? I was in foam corner. You're still in foam corner, by the way. Wait, we're all in foam corner. Oh, yeah. We're in the middle of foam corner. But tell your story. You laid down on the sticky floor and you weren't even in the front row? No, we were like third to last row. Third to last. Why did you lay down? You know what movie we're seeing? What's that? Half Baked.

That's just a fun detail. It's not that fun. Very good. And then half-baked. And how did you get it? That's an R-rated movie. And I tell you, I was half-baked. Was this in Texas? Yeah. Okay. So it's like legal. To get a blowjob in a movie theater? In Texas. Oh, okay. This was 97, mind you. Okay. So then. But wait, I don't understand why you laid down. Why couldn't she just give you a blowjob? Because this was pre-lifting armrests.

Yeah, but she just gets in front of you. But if your penis is big enough. Like she. Oh, never mind. If your penis is big enough, bro. It was a child's penis. Well, still, in eighth grade, you have a full-sized man's penis. I used to be self-conscious about the pubes I had, so I put my dick through the hole in the boxers.

Oh my God. Before the blowjob? Why? You had too much pubes? This is therapy, right? Too much or too little? Did you have too much pubes? No, not enough. I would have loved more pubes. Then I proceeded to get way too hairy all over and I was like, those were the days. Okay.

And then did you give anything back? Did you? I think I fingered her, but at that. Oh, how generous. Yeah, but at that time, you think fingering is just like finger banging. She like throws your genitals in her mouth and you're like. Yeah. A bad job too. I didn't know about clits at the time. You were laying on your back. So she was laying on top of you? She was like. Yeah, did she remain seated? No, she was on the ground too, like on her knees kind of.

It was like perched over. Oh, okay. Like downward dog yoga. And then for the fingering, did you get back in your seats or did you remain laying down? No, fingering was pre-yoga.

Okay, and then you go, let's take this to the floor. Yeah. So her blowjob was a thank you for the finger. I said, those are nice clothes. They'd look a lot better on the floor. With you in them. And me, also. In my clothes. With my boner sticking out of my boxers. Did she say, hey, do you want to take these off? Or did she think you were being secretive? What's funny is there were three of us there.

What? Yeah, it was me and her and then her friend. This gets worse. Where's her friend? Her friend was just like kind of sitting there. Oh my God. And if you're listening to this, because one of them is not alive anymore. Whoa, Jesus. Oh God, why are you crying? This is fucked up. This is fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harris, which one died? The blowjob one.

Oh, not during. That's nice, though, that you're respecting her memory. I know this is horrible. What happened to her? I cannot. Don't go into any. Yeah, please don't go into any more specificity regarding this issue. But what about the friend? Where's she? Because she sounds down a clown. I have to go. Where are you going? Harris is like pounding the walls, crying right now. Chelsea, I'm sorry. Anyway, do you want to finish that phone corner joke?

So you're thinking about a dead... Yeah, so basically... When is it okay to... You take the change. You're right. That is why it's even more specifically fucked up. Because she... It was in eighth grade. And she's dead. Well...

I mean, I... Is that okay to jerk off to, is my question. I don't know. No, you can't. Do whatever you want. I do. I sympathize or maybe empathize with you because one of my first junior high school crushes that I sat behind, and she would wear these tank tops all the time, and this was in the eighth grade.

And just a blossoming, burgeoning body. She passed away as well. Really? And is that okay? Yes. You know, you guys, and I'm not joking at all. Adam is deadly serious, by the way. I've never been more uncomfortable in a room. Please tell me you jerk off to a dead person. My first...

My first girlfriend. Yeah. Yes. Just like four days before you and I went up to Sketch Fest, I found out my very first girlfriend just died. Yes! Yes! I'm not kidding. These things happen in threes. These things happen. That's what I'm saying. These things happen. And the older we get, the more it will happen. It is so sad. So when is it okay? Like, should we let their memories live on by jerking off to them? I...

Chelsea, weigh in. We need a female perspective. I just don't jerk off to specific people. Really? Groups of people? You do it to a feeling? No, it's to imaginary situations. Not to... Imaginary people? Yeah.

I feel like guys see a girl on the subway and they're like, I'm going to jerk off to her later. Or they have an interaction and they're like, I'm going to jerk off to that later. I don't know how most girls are. I can only speak for myself. You concoct imaginary people of your own devising in alternate universes. Yeah.

Is this really the goal here today? To talk about this? It is now. I gotta say... Why does Adam have his hands folded like a creep? That is so creepy. It's like church hands. I never trust church hands. They are church hands and they're perched right above...

They're not in his lap. They're right above. I am through my body language telling you I am paying attention and I am considering. I'm a safe person. I'm a safe person to share this with. That's the message. I can honestly say this was my goal today. I'm sure. Chelsea, when you pass away, do you want people thinking about you like sexually? Like, wow, she was really, you know what? Sex with her was great. I'm going to continue thinking about that. Let me reframe the question. Okay, here we go.

If you knew that every time you jerked off to a girl or someone that you knew, they would get an alert sent to them. Or they would die. Would you still do it? They usually do get an alert from me. On Ambien. On Ambien. A text. Shout out to Ambien. So wait, anytime even someone pops in your head accidentally and you would say, oh no, I don't want an alert sent to that person, I'm going to...

No, you can cut it short. But if you choose to proceed, they get an alert. There's like a seven-second delay. Okay. So if you actually like climax, they get an alert. Once you start touching yourself, it's over. They get the alert. I don't know. I don't know. I would like – It would be a way of flirting. It's like sending a wink. I think it's flattering as fuck. If I got a text that was like, this girl is masturbating to you right now, I'd be like, awesome.

Don't you think girls would be getting alerts constantly all day every day where they would turn them off? What if you hate someone and you're like, ew, get me out of your fucking disgusting sex life. I'm trying to think of the person I hate most. Still kind of cool.

Who's that? You're a mental case. Is it Adam? Nope. This is going to sound weird. Okay. Hugh Laurie. You hate him the most? Yeah. Why? Never met him. Never seen House. If he jerked off about you, it would freak you out or you would think it's cool. No, I'd be into it. No, I like Hugh Laurie. I actually have no opinion. I just pulled a random person. Don't you think much like an annoying Google alert where you're getting too many responses, women would just eventually turn it off?

In this scenario, no one has the power to disable it. That sucks that the woman has to be... It's almost harassing, right? It's not her fault. Yeah, don't you think men would then jerk off intentionally in order to send an alert, like a nudge? It would be like a form of harassment.

Yeah. And is it an alert on your phone or do you just see it like Terminator, like in your eye? You see the picture of the person. And are you a cyborg in this scenario? I don't know, but I like your attitude of like, just, I'm interested. I'm interested in this technology. Yeah.

I'm just thinking about all the girls I know that would get alerts and how embarrassing it would be. Are your phones hooked up to your penis, by the way? I need to know from a girl's perspective if that's a good move because I have done that. Here's the parallel. Of course not, Harris. Here's the parallel. It's not at all? It's telling someone I had a dream about you. That's what is a real life actual situation that people do. If you go, I had a dream about you, the person is like, oh.

Okay. Although I've had that with women who I know for a fact are just not interested. I've had women go, oh, I had a dream about you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it doesn't have a – like, oh, it was scary. It was like, oh, I didn't like it. Right. That's true. Well, that's just insulting. But I feel like generally people know that it's flirtatious to say that unless you do have an open relationship with someone.

I mean like openly disinterested relationship. Right, right. Okay, so – So just if you have a crush on someone, tell them just fake it and say you had a dream about them. Fake it until you make it. So is the phone – like does it have a jack to put your penis in? How is it –

How's it attached? Is it attached through Bluetooth? Do you get like a Bluetooth thing in your penis? It's all virtual. Okay. I hate to disappoint. What does that mean? I know you want a Bluetooth attachment for your scrot. I just want like... Your scrot? Scrot? Scrot? Is that a word for it? Wouldn't it be scrote? It seems like a Shakespearean word. Like a scrot.

Well, scrot is dorks backwards and dork is a whale's penis. It's not dorks backwards. It really is. When you think about it, it is. It actually is. It is. Number two. All right. That was it. There we go. There we go. Numero dos. Doslo. Doslo.

All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, this is very exciting. It's all been building to this, Scott. We will have your number one, the most pop, and everyone knows what it is at this point, but we'll have your number one of the year when we come back. Hey, everyone. Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang here, and I am excited to introduce you to Howl.fm, only on the web at Howl.fm and on the go with the Howl app.

Stream and download Comedy Bang Bang episodes or go beyond the audio with behind-the-scenes photos, commentaries, and more. And Howl is also partnered with some of your favorite hosts and comedians to develop Howl originals. Check out the great new series from Lauren Lapkus and the AV Club and Super Ego right now. And with the promo code CBB, you get a full month of free trial.

Just go to Howl.fm, enter code CBB at checkout, and remember, you can use Howl on your phone or your computer, but you can only use my promo code on the Howl.fm, the website. So go to Howl.fm, that's H-O-W-L.fm, use the promo code CBB for one month free trial of Howl Premium. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi! And we're getting to it, man. We are getting to it. We're fucking doing it, man. This is it. Can I say something, Scott? This is it!

Make no mistake where you are. This is it. The war is over. Terrible to do with Michael McDonald songs. No, it's Kenny Loggins. Is it? Is it both of them? Is that it? Is it both of them maybe? Wait a minute. Let me look this up. No one can tell why.

This is it. Make no mistake where you are. Kenny Loggins. Dick Francis. Featuring Michael McDonald. Okay. It's a team up. It's like Captain America Civil War. Oh, Civil War. This is it, Civil War. What if it came out and it was this is it, Civil War. With Kenny Loggins. With Kenny Loggins versus Michael McDonald. Look, Michael McDonald, I don't agree with what the government is trying to do. They're just trying to over sing each other. Hello, civilization.

Hey, shut up. Here's the thing. I'm proud of us. Yep. We said we were going to do this. Yep. We said we were going to count down to number one. And guess what? We fucking did it. We fucking did it, man. Yep.

And how many people, Scott, would you say listening to this said, they're never going to do this. They're never going to do this. They're fucking, they're going to give up. They're going to quit. They're cowards. They'll maybe make it to number two. Remember back when in like, I guess the 40s or the 50s when the worst thing you could call someone was a coward? You're a coward. I think it was farther back than that. I think it was because of the war though. Oh, sure. You see it a lot in comics of like, I never knew that you, like, you know, if Mr. Fantastic-

He has a plan to defeat the thing, but it involves them running away. Right. Immediately, someone jumps to, I never knew you were a coward. I think what was worse was during the war, people who were shamed because they were physically unable to go to war. Like, oh, 4F. 4F, huh? You don't care about your country enough to have a functioning heart. I'll give you 4Fs. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. There we go.

Classic 40s talk. Tell you what, we got to get to it. Let's go to your number one. Number one. All right, you know what? I want to do something special for this number one and call someone. Engineer Cody Ryan, could you make that call if you could? This is unprecedented. And we'll see exactly what happens. Here we go. Calling. Here it happens. Hello? Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man.

Hi, Jason. How are we? Oh, Jason Manzoukas says, I live and breathe. What a wonderful treat. What a delight. Most wonderful time of the year. Where are you? Why could you not be in the studio here? I am in New York City. Oh, New York City. Our nation's capital. I don't know about that, but okay. Let's not look into it.

Where are you located in New York City? Address, please. I will just give you the, I am on the Lower East Side currently. L-E-S. L-E-S. Yes, gentlemen. You're a Lez. Oh, he got you. He fucking got you. I'm deep in the Lez. Jason, he got you. What are you doing out there in New York? It was your birthday, was it not?

Today is my birthday. Today's your birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Jason. Jeremy Piven went to UTA. Hey, I forget every time. Jizz.

That was really great. For real? For real, man? It was. It was very good. Because we recorded it. I will say that when you guys sang the Star Spangled Banner, it was better. Last time we were together. But this was wonderful. What episode was that again, by the way?

Do you remember? Oh, boy. I was trying to think of that the other day. It was the one we did most recently. I can't remember what it was. Oh, yeah, yeah. The one with... Numbers can't lie or numbers... Yes, numbers cannot lie. Which, by the way, is germane to this conversation because your number one episode of the year is, of course, I said it when Jay picked up the phone. It's Hainong Man. Hainong Man. Hainong Man. Hainong Man, the catchphrase that took America by storm.

I'm getting a lot of, I will say this, I'm getting a lot of hang-on mans on the streets of New York. By the way, we made this pledge to America. If you see us on the street, and I pray that you do.

Come up to us and say, hey, Nong Man. That's right. We love it. We will always say it back. We will always say it back. One caveat to that. Okay. Upon us saying it back, immediately walk away. Immediately. Immediately. Even sooner if possible. Consider the conversation reset and walk away. Also, I have another caveat. We all get one caveat.

Don't punch us in the stomach Harry Houdini style. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. That's a really good one. Yeah. Okay. What do you got, Paul? My caveat? Don't frame me for murder. Oh, that's a good one too. Okay.

All right. So I would say this, I will say this just for Paul's caveat. Don't frame any of us for murder would be great. Oh yeah. Thanks for including us. Oh, that's my caveat. Shit. Everyone gets one. Damn it. So you can't punch any of us in the stomach. That's right. You can frame Jason or I for murder. That's right. Correct.

Hainong Man, I mentioned that it was germane to this conversation because that last one that we taped is sort of a spiritual sequel to Hainong Man because in that one we spoke to the other side of the conversation than we did in Hainong Man because we were – in Hainong Man we're speaking to Mike the janitor.

That's right. And in the last episode where Paul sang the Star Spangled Banner, we were speaking to... What's his name? Atherton Witherflower. Atherton Witherflower, who did the Life Swap Wife Swap. That's right. With the janitor. With June and Marjorie. Yep. By the way, I got a lot of compliments on my rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Because...

Because it was legit beautiful. It was not. No, no. It's like Heidi Klum or something. Legit beautiful. Like, I know you're a model, but sometimes a model, when you look at them, you know, up close is not that beautiful. Like, Heidi Klum is legit beautiful. Ew. She is a true, true beauty. And some of these other models look like a bag of garbage. They look like, what, is Dick Francis a horse?

What's going on? You got eyes all over the place. Jason, can I ask you a question? Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Do you know the mystery author Dick Francis? No, I don't. Oh, so you don't know. You're not going to know the answer. You don't know if he's a horse or not. If the author Dick Francis is a horse? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know if Dick Francis is a horse? Yeah.

Jason, you... This sounds like we're little kids. Prank calling the library. I am on the edge of something. I know I am. Look, this is the fourth... Literally, we're going into our...

fifth hour now of recording these so and you've gotten and you've gotten all the way to number one now yes this is number one yeah how's it feel to know that you were part of the number one you were last year too great you were last year with andy daly that's right that's right and were you the year before too

I don't know. I don't remember. What was last year's? Oh, last year was... The year before, I think, was Time Bobby 2. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So last year was the Andy Daly doing several characters. That was episode 300. Got it, got it. And the year before was Time Bobby 2, yeah. And the year before that, Time Bobby 1, I believe. Yes, that's right. So, Jace, we're tied for number ones, although I've been on three number ones. Ooh. What's your third? Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man, that's right. Okay. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man.

Look, if you haven't heard the Hainong Man episode, you're about to hear a giant chunk of it. You'll hear the... By the way, this is one week after Kid Detectives, which we just heard. So we were in a good streak. It's interesting when we've been going back over these, how close together some of these episodes were. Like we'll hit like two in a row that are really, really great. And then we'll lie fallow for months. Like October and November. Oh boy, nothing from there.

I would like to say, because I know that... Hold on, Jason. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, Jason. Sorry, Jason. If you want to say something, please say your name first and then what you're here to say. Yes. Hey, Jason Manzik is here. And you're here to what? I'm here to say a little something to you guys. Okay.

I truly enjoyed being on the show so much this year, especially getting to do a bunch of episodes with you, Paul, which has never happened before and was an absolute delight. Jason, that was a treat for me, too. I'm so glad that it finally happened, and it was a wonderful experience for me as well. I could take or leave it. Screw you, jerk. No, Jason, we talked about it earlier in this countdown. You were not privy to it, about how great it was that you...

decide to do so many episodes and you came to me early on in the year and said you wanted to do more. And it was great to have you on so often this year. I love doing it with the both of you guys. And, you know, the number one episode can clearly attest to that. We're having a ton of fun on it.

Oh, yeah. 2,000 pounds worth, I would say. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. All right. So in this clip, you will hear the inception of Hey, Nong Man, which came about from me not hearing Jason correctly. Me being a dumb idiot.

Um, so I, you know, a lot of times on the top 10, a lot of these episodes are voted in because of the character segment. This one, the character segment is great, but the pre-character segment is so great too. So we included a lot of the pre-character segment. So you'll hear just you and me, Jason riffing back and forth. Okay. And then Mike, the janitor comes in. We don't get to hear a lot of his plot, which is wanting to clean up Garbage Island. Yeah.

Go back and listen to the episode to hear kind of the ins and outs of his plot. But we're going to hear a lot of just kind of us goofing around and joking around. So how's that sound to you? Goofs and jokes. Love it. Yeah. You doing anything special for your birthday?

I'm going to go out to dinner with some friends. What are you eating? Pussy? I'm going to burn this city to the ground. Yeah! Death to America. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Paul, no. Paul, no. No, you got me fired up. I've been radicalized. Hey, Nugman. Hey, Nugman. Oh, thank God. That was too close. Too close. All right, Jason. Thank you so much for taking our call on a special day for you.

Thank you, guys. Have a great one. All right, you too. Bye, buddy. Good fuck you. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. All right, we are going to hear it. You ready for it? This is your number one of the year. Here we go. This is, hey, Nong Man, your number one. Number one. You should have a season where you are...

Tonight Show style like choosing who your successor is and is it going to go to Letterman or Leno kind of thing where you are you know who will get the show who will take it over I think I'm kidnapped and someone has to step in and they just get it yeah I'll do it yeah

Great. I think it would be fun, wouldn't it? I think 100% it would be fun. Just get some new blood in there. Yes. You know what I mean? I believe I've pitched you. I would like there to be an episode where I am like a Gary Shandling-style guest host because for some reason you haven't shown up. Right. And if you want to make it that you've been kidnapped, that is fine. We're definitely thinking about that. The reveal is that I am behind your kidnapping. Oh, I like it because you look Arab. Hang on, man.

Would you say hey, Nong Man? I said hang on, man. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. New t-shirt. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. You know, it's a classic hey, Nong Man. This is a total hey, Nong Man situation. Hey, Nong Man.

Oh, Jason, Jason, Jason. Oh, Scotty, Scotty. What's been going on in your life? I know you moved to an undisclosed location. I've moved to an undisclosed location, which is lovely. I bought an undisclosed location. I have just moved into it. Very exciting. Does this place have a shitter?

No, no. I bought a house that specifically just has it. It has an outhouse. Okay, well, that's good. Yeah, you don't want that kind of smell in the house. And I don't want guests pooping up in my house. That's one way to keep them out. So I have a cool, I have a porta potty out in the back.

And it's classy. Oh, but it's a classy one. I put a chandelier in the porta potty. Oh, yeah. You have those raised sinks. Yep. What are those called? I don't know. I had one once. Really? Remember when those were in vogue? I had one in one bathroom. No, I don't know what you mean. You know, the sinks that aren't... I know what you mean now. Yes. Now that you've done a hand motion that tells me what you mean. Yes, I get it. So now that you know these things... No, don't make a jerk off motion. Keep it classy, man. This is a fucking family show. Um...

People want to know. Who? About the fans. The fans are interested. You haven't been on the show in quite a while. I know. It seems like it's been just about a year maybe. I think maybe. But people want to know what you're up to. I mean, certainly you have your own podcast, but. I do. I have the How Did This Get Made podcast on the Earwolf Network. Find it on iTunes. And you guys have not been in the same room together, nor will you ever be again.

again. We just did. We just did two episodes live in New York all together and they were glorious. Really exciting. Hercules in New York starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is in his first film role, which is legit terrible. Wait, so The Rock was in Hercules too? He was. He was just recently in Hercules. Interesting. So they both tried it out and it did not... Lou Ferrigno as well. Really?

Very famously. What is it about these muscle men where they go, you know what? I'm looking in the mirror and I think that I could play Hercules. I think everybody looks at a muscle man and is like, what strong man can this person play? Well, you know, in a way it's better than, you know, like what role realistically would people buy this person as? You know? Yes. More realistically, it's like every time Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a movie, you expect one person to go, hey, man, what's up with your accent? Yes.

Yeah. How am I supposed to believe? I mean, in this movie, he's meant to be a Greek god. Yeah. And has like. But in something like Kindergarten Cop or whatever, it's like, hey, man, how often do you work out? Are you like five hours a day? Yes. How do you even hold a job? I agree. Or how about Twins, where he is a straight up scientist. Where he's a scientist who has an Austrian accent and is built like a bodybuilder. Right. It's.

Not twins. Junior. Sorry, junior is what I mean. Junior, junior, junior, junior. Not twins. Twins. That's the one where he... Gets pregnant with a baby. How does he do it? And then cross-dresses as a woman in order to cover it. Does he stick his penis into his butt? Like, how does it happen? He sticks his penis in his butt because he's ovulating from his butt. Because he has a butt-gina. Is this what you wanted? Is this what you wanted? This is what I wanted! This is what you want out of a J-man.

Do people call you the J-Man? People call me J-Man or J-Dog all the time. And by people, I mean you, and I hate it. I will never stop. Never stop. What is happening with, you know, people are very concerned about your dating life. They want to know that you're happy. I don't think they are. They hear about you flipping through vaginas earlier in your career. Just flipping through like a paperback book.

Like a Patricia Highsmith novel. What is it about paperback books that you just flip through? You don't even read them. Like a money counting machine. Yes, exactly. Like a money counting machine in a drug dealer's den. You've been flipping through vaginas like a money counting machine. That's $100,000. In a drug dealer's den.

I like that image of you. But are you happy in your life? Are you... I'm happy in my life. I am single still, if that's what you're asking. Well, that's what the ladies want to know. The ladies are very interested in this. Do ladies listen to podcasts? I don't know. Do ladies listen to this, Scott? Of course.

Of course they do. Are there any women who tune into the Comedy Bang Bang podcast? Yes, we have wonderful, wonderful people. I like to think this podcast in particular is all-inclusive. I like to think it's for everybody. It is. I know that. I feel like there are plenty of wonderful women tuning into this. And ladies, hello.

Welcome to the podcast. Is that the way you talk to ladies? Because I'm sensing the problem now. This is how I talk to ladies. Hey there, ladies. Hello, you listening to podcasts? If there were to be a female listener out there, and we're only saying that because that is your preference.

Yes. But if there was a female listener out there who was, her preference was males and her preference actually was males who were a lot like you. Sure. Who was into you. Okay. And were to reach out to you somehow. Nope. No, there's no way to reach out to you. There isn't really. Nope. How do you date then?

How do I date then? Without any kind of social media presence so that people can contact me out of the blue to let me know that they want to date me? Back when I was dating, it was pre-social media. Sure. And I got by just by walking around being handsome and people coming up to me and going, hey, I want to date you. Now, did you say handsome or handsy? Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Come on.

I like that we are both writing the word hang-nong man down so we don't forget it. I had fear in my eyes and I forgot it and I pulled it out at the last second. I'm impressed. And you used it correctly as well. But how do you do it? How does a J-Dog, how do you meet a woman? Do you see her eyes from across a crowded room? Yeah, yeah. I just go to crowded rooms. I like that.

That's how you do it. And I look across them and I see if anybody catches. Like shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah. And I then, when I make eyes, when I lock eyes with somebody across the room, I walk across the room and I say, hey, Nong Man. And then it's on. And then we're just like. And it's on like Nong Man. It's on like Donkey Nong. Oh, boy. Do you want paper? What do you want?

Hey, you want paper? What do you want? Hey, you want paper? Hey, baby. Who's this guy? Hey, baby. Who's this guy? Is this the paper seller character that you've been working on? Hey, how about some paper? Oh, yeah. Is the office still on? I'm trying to get a job on the office selling paper. Okay, you're going to be severely disappointed. Really? Oh, no. Oh, wait. Do you mean an American workplace? Also off. Ugh, bananas. Is this your banana selling character? Hey, yay, yay.

But you're, you know what, you're at, I would say that you're at the height of your powers. At the height of my powers, but let's be honest, it's not cute anymore to be single, I think, at my age. Right, yeah. I think it's not a cute thing to be a 42-year-old man who's single. Right.

do you want probably not cute to talk about it on a podcast either well is that a fear for women who date you with that you're gonna be talking about them on these podcasts that's all I do bro all I do is slay tang and then get on the casts to talk about it slay tang oh bro slay tang um oh are you kidding yeah that's like you know that slay tang you know my new earwolf podcast what's that talking tang talking tang talking tang

Although now I'm just doing Lycus. Now I'm just doing Atomian's Lycus. That is one of the only podcasts with two apostrophes. Yep. Talkin' and Tang. Talkin' and it's an end. Yeah. It's an end and then a start right next to each other. Those are perfect. Those are like two boobs right next to each other. So that's the image.

Will fans please make an image for Talkin' Tang the podcast? And it's just two apostrophes. The apostrophes are boobs. Yeah, so it's a closed one and an open one and they're just boobs. I would like that. Please, everybody, let's make that and then maybe I'll make that podcast. I actually am very interested in that. Yeah, right after I make the other one that I think I came up with in How Did This Get Made, which is the Chardonnay podcast. Oh, what is that? We all just drink Chardonnay and talk. Oh, that sounds like a

dream. Yeah, it's like a ladies book club. Oh man, I would love that. The Shardcast, I think I called it. The Shardcast, that sounds disgusting actually. But you want to be married, even though with the singularity coming, what is identity anyway and why should we be tethered to not only these bodies but with other bodies? Oh, well, are we going to get into Ex Machina? How are we coming at this? Oh, with the singularity, shame on you.

No, of course I want to be in a relationship. Sure. Again, I'm middle-aged at this point. This is getting to be ridiculous. You hope. You hope. I hope, yeah. You may have been middle-aged at 23, for all you know. We simply don't know, which would only give me a few more years on Earth. Yeah, 23 could have been your hump year. Oh, God. When you think about it, at what year did you have sex the most? And that is probably your hump year, and then you can calculate when you're going to die. Yeah.

Why do you think that? Think of the year that you had the most sex where you were just talking tang and just slay tang. Oh, yeah, just talking tang. You were just slay tang all year and then double that and that's the year you're going to die because that was your hump year. This is a good theory. It's a great theory, by the way. And is it that you think, does your body know? Your body knows, so you're getting it out of the way. Your body is like, no, you're going to die at this point, so I'm going to give you the middle of your life, I'm going to give you the most sex. So I'm going to guess somewhere in my 30s.

I'm going to guess that I'm going to live to be in my, then if your theory is true, somewhere late 60s, I bet. I'm late 50s at best. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, boy. Poor Kulop. Poor Kulop. Well, you know, the widow Kulop. Look, when you're listening back to this after I've died, there's a lot of references to me dying. Oh, yeah. You know, if you're listening back to this after I'm gone, this is morbid. This is good. But this is what we want. In all likelihood, this podcast will serve as your living will. Yeah.

Speaking of which, do you have a do not resuscitate? Do you want to be... A DNR? Yeah, if you are felled by some accident that does not leave you dead but leaves you incapacitated... I think people should use their own common sense on that. In a vegetative state, yeah. Where it's like, you know what... And not even like my own farts in your face wake you up from this coma. What happens? Wait, is that what's happening?

How else am I supposed to wake you up? Are you traveling around to your best friend's hospital beds and farting in their faces? It behooves me to try anything possible to wake you up. Extraordinary measures. You are one of my absolute best friends. And if my own farts don't wake you up, I would rather not be one of your best friends. Out of nostalgia, if nothing else.

Then I don't know. Nostalgia for that night at Rob Hubel's bachelor party when we slept in the same room. On mats. On the hardest mats possible. On mats on the floor like we were 23. Like we were fucking dogs. Like we are too old. Like we were kids. I stayed there one night and I was supposed to stay a second. I stayed two. I was like, I can't do it a second. I stayed two and the mats on the floor, it took me days to recover. They were like rocks.

Took me days to recover. They were terrible. I didn't recover the next day. That's why I took off. But we cuddled. We did. And Aziz was in the same room. What a powerhouse room. It's just a real name drop of people sleeping on floors. Of people.

Adult men sleeping on floors. Oh, boy. But, you know, so far that marriage is going well. Oh, yeah. So all the power to him. Absolutely. Congratulations. What do you dream of your wedding having? Ever since you were a little boy, did you assume you would have like a white tuxedo with tails and a top hat? I feel like it starts with everybody skiing down a mountain. Great.

All in, you know, in bride and dress, me and all my group, everybody skiing down the mountain. Do people need to know how to ski or they're just like pushed into it? Yeah, I would hope so. So some lessons have to occur. So lessons might have to happen or just everybody in the wedding party will just be shredding. Just naturally. Will just be natural shredders. Natural born shredders. Natural born shredders, yep. Who like to sleight hang. Absolutely. Uh,

And then I will, I will record, we'll get to the bottom. We'll say our vows. I will record an episode of slaying, talking Tang because you know, this is the last, this is the last, the last one. Really? This is the last episode of talking series finale series finale because I'm getting married. So I'm not going to be talking Tang anymore. What have you did though? You could still talk Tang. I guess I could talk Tang, but just it's all my wife's Tang. It's just like, Oh well, I would,

Depending on who you marry, I would listen to that even more. Oh, that's interesting. Here's the thing. I'm marrying the widow, Kulop. Oh, you son of a bitch! All right, I'll listen. Because here's the thing. If you haven't noticed, I have to take over everything once you die. Really? So this is a full life swap? It's like in the past when somebody would die and their brother would have to marry their wife and take over their responsibilities. I mean, I've heard of a wife swap. I had a friend once who did a wife swap that turned into a life swap. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he was a mathematician in Boston, I believe. Oh. And he became a janitor because he swapped wives with a janitor and he had to take over that person's life. This is Goodwill hunting style? Yeah, it was sort of Goodwill. It was like a reverse. This is a Stellan Skarsgård Matt Damon Swapperoo? Yeah. Stellar skateboard? Yeah, stellar skateboard. I understand. Yeah, you understand how it is. But anyway, it's not worth bringing him up. It's not.

It certainly wasn't worth derailing the show for that. No, but I'm happy to have another opportunity to put out into the world the stellar skateboard situation. Certainly. So you would take over everything. You would what? My car? My shoes? No. But I will take all of your comic books. Okay. Happily. You know what? Actually. A room full of comic books that I love. Do you want those when I die? Yes. I can think of no one else who wants them.

I can think of a couple of people, but I would like them. All right. They're yours. Done. This is binding unless I change my will and you go into that big room where the lawyer surprises you with something where my heirs have changed the will. Son of a bitch. Oh, God. That would make me furious. And like Neil Campbell winds up with all of the comic books. Oh, boy. No, done. You got him. You've been down in that room. Great. I have. So I get the comic books. I get Bang Bang the podcast, Bang Bang the TV show, and Cool Up. All right.

Right? This is nuts. What do I get out of this deal? Sounds like I get all the... Do I get anything in life? You get buried, dude. You get in the ground. That's what's happening. Do you want to be cremated? Do you want to be buried? What's going to happen when you die? I think cremated. I think it's a weird waste of space to have graveyards everywhere. I agree. Here's the only... Like, put some condos up, baby. I feel the same. But here is the only thing that I do that I can appreciate in a way is...

shouldn't we rot and give life to the earth?

Shouldn't we decay and decompose and provide fertilizer for the earth? They make fertilizer. You can go buy it. Because I also want to be cremated. But then I was like, oh, maybe I should just be buried in a shallow grave somewhere. Why shallow? I don't know. So I can rot and people will smell it. In full view? Yeah. A shallow grave just so my nose and beard are above the wall of ground. The serving is your tombstone. Yep.

I want to be frozen in carbonite Han Solo style. With your hands out. Don't freeze me, bro. Hey, Nong Man. Don't freeze me. I'm really enjoying Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man is pretty fantastic. We are barely minutes into this and have come up with Hey, Nong Man and Talking Tang. And Slay Tang.

What do you like about Serial and podcasts in general, Mike? Ooh, let's see. Have I passed the time while you're cleaning up? Podcasts in general, that's tough to answer because I've only ever heard the one podcast. You've just listened to Serial. Just listened to Serial. I understand This American Life is also a podcast. It can be. I mean, it also is on the radio. Vincent can be. And what's the show Washington Week?

I like that podcast as well. Very good. And Slate Political Gab Fest. And Slate Tang.

Well, Slaytang I enjoy. Of course. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Talkin' Tang? Talkin' Tang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you listened to Talkin' Tang? I've listened. I'm just getting into Talkin' Tang. What do you think of their logo? It's despicable. Yep. I've never seen anything quite like it before. It looks just like cleavage, those two apostrophes. There's going to be a bunch of episodes of Talkin' Tang where I'm just talking the tang of women who are lactating, so the apostrophes are both going to be dripping milk. Oh, dear.

Yeah, dripping milk. Now, you've had that experience before. You've talked about it on this show. That's true. Those episodes will be called Talkin' Tang, colon, Drippin' Milk. Now, you know, I'm starting a podcast called Drippin' Milk. Oh, what? Which is about from the time that I cleaned up high school cafeterias and those bags, very thin bags. Just that one time you cleaned up a high school cafeteria?

Well, one time in my life. Oh, okay. I did it for many years. Okay. How often would those bags be dripping milk? Every single time? Are you talking? Are you kidding? 100%. Milk bags are notoriously rippable. Ooh, milk bags. Oh. I like this kind of talk. Oh, yeah. Big, juicy milk bags. You know what I'm talking about? Ooh. You guys are both disgusting. Big, juicy milk bags. Why are you constantly high-fiving? Yeah, because we're killing it. Five high-fives. The question is, why aren't you? Yeah. Okay, I guess I'm in. Yeah.

You're just high-fiving yourself. You just clapped. Yours are too loud. Do you not know what high-fives are? Yeah, where you, you know, after someone gives a wonderful, you go see a band and it's a wonderful song and you high-five yourself. You clap like you just learned how to do it. Like a little baby. No, it's because I'm high-fiving myself. And you look amazed at the sound. You're looking down at your hands like you're trying to figure out where it came from.

Guys! What do you want? Can I ask you, since I'm on the microphone and I got this public forum. M-I-K-E on the M-I-C. Yeah, because dripping milk has not dropped yet. I would like to ask the help of you listeners, if there are any. The help. Great movie. Not worth it.

Are you sure? I don't know. I thought that worth it at first, and then I started thinking about it in the silence. Nope. And I was like, that might have been worth it. Nope. Nope. Nope. I think so. Hey, Nog Man. I think it was pretty good. Hey, Nog Man. I would like to ask. I like, hey, Nog Man is a kind of palatine. Like a sorbet. It like resets everything. It's like, hey, Nog Man. Resets pieces. Hey, Nog Man.

Resets PCs? Did you say PCs? I do say resets PCs. Resets PCs, yeah. Have we talked about this? We haven't. Resets PCs. Okay. Stop it! All right. But it is... Hey, Nogman. Let's get back on track. Hey, Nogman. We all three have to say it in order to reset. All right.

Now, I'm only too excited. The discussion continues. Whatever it is. All right. All right. But we have all three sets. That's right. So we can move on. All right. But I do say Reese's Pieces.

I would like to ask if your listeners would direct themselves on their computers, either desktop or laptop. You don't care about the style of computer. No, it doesn't matter to me. You think, be it sitting on a desk or on a lap, it still computes things. What about Mac or PC, Mike? Mac or PC? Does it matter? It does not matter to me. I, of course, don't use a computer. I write everything out in longhand. Oh, wow.

And I feel like it's not up to me to judge what kind of devices people like to use. Hey, if you've got a smartphone, if you've got a dumb phone, if you've got a flip phone, if you've got a rotary phone you carry around on a tray. Or a calculator or an abacus. That I don't like. I don't like that. We don't bring phones to people on trays anymore, and that makes me sad.

What if it was just like a cell phone on a tray? That would be fun. That'd be cool if somebody was like, phone call for you. With like a cake dish above it? How about the cake dish? How about if you were in a fancy restaurant? What's that? What? What?

How about if you were in a fancy restaurant and you were getting a call and then the waiter would take your phone from you, go back into the kitchen, put it on a tray, and then bring it out? No, what? Why would you cut me off before I finished the idea? I like cutting people off. That's his favorite thing. It's his favorite thing. Hang on, man!

No, it's your favorite thing. That's what's annoying about it. Get a reset going. Damn it. Reset the night. Hang on, man. No, I'm not interested in it. I want to keep digging in. He won't let the reset go. I want to... Okay, hang on, man. All good. Okay. All right. Back to it. We're back here with Jason Manzoukas and one of my employees whose name...

On his chest. Oh, that's right. Jan the Mike-iner? Is that what you were going to say? I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember your name. I'm sorry. Why is... What is going on here? You know what it is? It's a power move. It's a power move. I'm too busy remembering the names of the people above the line. He feels like you are below him. I think you're right. I think you're right, Mr. Menzoukas. And he enjoys putting you in your place. Well, I think there has to be a distinction between boss and employee. Does there not? Otherwise, if there's not respect...

rewarded towards the boss, then what impulse does the employee have to... How about this? Yes. Earn that respect. Yes, may I say this? Earn that respect by going undercover, undercover boss, and learning who the little guys are who work here. That would be kind of fun to go undercover boss at this Ed Earwolf here. It would be. How would you accomplish the illusion? What would you do?

I don't know. I think I'd have to go like full sex change or something. I don't know. Okay. Is this just an excuse? This seems very extreme. Is this just an excuse to go get a sex change? Well, you know, look. Do you think anyone's had a- It all happens in our own way. Sex change is a gigantic procedure. Do you think anyone ever embarked on that journey by saying, I'm going to go get a sex change? You know what? Today? What if it was you know what today? Didn't say anything to anyone until it was time. Hey, listen, I'll be back in a little bit. I'm going to go get a sex change.

I'll be back before dinner. And of course, big ups to people of all different stars and stripes. Big ups.

Big ups to all people of different stars and stripes is what you just gave the week that Caitlyn Jenner has announced herself to the world. Big ups. You're giving big ups to her. People of all stars and stripes, I think something's legitimately wrong with you. I think you are having a stroke. Maybe. Look, this is possibly my... Possibly? Hey, dog man. Hey, dog man.

I think we should. Okay. Thank you. I think we should. Okay. Number one. Oh, so good. We did it. We did it. We made it through another year. It's New Year's Eve.

That was so much fun. That was my first time doing the show with Jason. It was? No, you've done some... Oh, yeah, but those are like when there's so many people. Yeah. It's not quite the same thing. So just, you know, just how do you say three people? I was going to say one-on-one, but like one-on-two or two-on-one? Yeah.

How do you say three people? It was two-on-one when we ganged up on you. Yeah, no, and you are always ganging up on me, by the way. That's what Jason brings that out in people, I think. Yeah, yeah. Because you want to be, you'd rather be on his side. Okay, thank you. Because otherwise the other two people would gang up on you. That's true.

Jason's very... He's very playful and very mischievous, and it's always a lot of fun to play with him. Yeah, he's almost like a comedy Santa Claus. He's playful, he's mischievous, he puts his finger to his nose. He loves cookies. You know when Santa put his finger to his nose, by the way, and he flew away, supposedly? Yeah. Do you think that was just an excuse? He was, like, picking a booger and someone saw it? I think... No, I think that's actually how he flies. I don't think he can fly otherwise. I think he has to... So it's like the...

The ignition button is in his nose or something? He laid a finger aside of his nose, Scott. Well, that's the thing. Was it like Jerry Seinfeld? Was it a pick or was it a, you know? Like, was he picking his nose? Some kid saw it and was like, oh! I think there's a big difference between putting your finger in your nose and weirdly putting it on the side of your nose. No, but if you look at me from the side...

Oh, and I think you have your finger up to the second knuckle. Okay, over there, right? So he's picking it, like, to the side, and all the kid sees is this, right? I can't see. First of all, you got a microphone in front of your fucking face. Okay, now I can see it. So the kid sees this. Santa sees he's got his nose up there. He sees the kid and goes, I do this to fly. So he puts it all together instantly. Yeah. Why does he scold the kid for being awake? Well, yeah.

That's a good point. All right. I guess my theory fell apart there. There we go. All right. That's how he flies. That's how he flies. I rest my case. Well, I want to thank you, Paul, for being here. You don't have to do this. It's the last day before Christmas vacation. I get to do this. That's true. This is always a special time. This is a special time. It is. It's where we hang out for four hours straight. That's right. And –

riff continuously for it and I love doing it and I may listen to these. Have you never listened back to an episode? I do when I have to make these. That's the only time? Maybe once in a rare while. Sometimes...

Sometimes Kulop will listen to one in the house and I'll dip in and out and hear a little bit of it, you know? But yeah, I don't really listen to it, no. But I do for the best ofs. I always catch up and I'm always like... I know in my head...

about the Santa Claus challenging me to a fight because so many people have written about it and I go, oh yeah, I remembered it sort of conceptually. Right. But listening, I was like crying laughing to it last night listening to it. It's really funny. It's really funny. So I always enjoy listening back to these and this is the only time I really do it. Well, if you know you're going to do this, you might as well just wait until you have to do it. Yeah.

But thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. Scott! Oh, God. Thank you. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Some of the happiest hours of my entire life have been spent in this studio doing these shows. Thank you so much. I sincerely mean that. It's always so much fun. It's so much fun. And a lot of people don't know we're drenched in sweat when we finish. Every episode. Every single episode. Every episode.

First of all, we all show up in tuxedos. Of course, you have to. It's a podcast. By the end, drenched in sweat, ties are loosened. Who established the tuxedo rule about podcasts, by the way? Because it is not convenient. Was it Adam Carolla?

Certainly it was Adam Carolla. Of all people, absolutely. Yeah, of course he did. Yeah, I mean, it's like those weird rules of how you dress for dinner back in the 1920s. Oh, my God. Can you imagine, like, somebody showed up in just a regular coat and not a tailcoat? Oh, can you believe it? Ugh, my goodness. I threw my cold soup on the ground. Ha ha ha ha.

But I do want, thank you so much, Paul, for that, for those kind words. I almost said wise words. They're wise words. But thank you for that. And most importantly, I want to thank the listeners, the listeners who voted and the listeners who didn't vote and whatever intersection they have.

The Venn diagram of those who voted and those who didn't. Very small sliver. Very small. Almost nonexistent. No, but to anyone who listened this year, I really appreciate it. The fact that anyone still cares six years on is –

to me. So I appreciate it and I appreciate your kind words that you send to me. I have not been very good about getting back to anyone on Twitter this year. You've been busy. It's been a busy year, but I did it for myself. But I do appreciate everyone sending me nice things. It really does make me feel like this is worth it.

and is doing something nice for the people out there. The nice people. Is it fun for you to do this show? It is fun. It is fun. But when I say worth it, I –

I guess I mean that I'm not just talking to dead air. You're not just— You know, you're imaginary. Yeah, of course. Everyone knows that. So I'm talking to dead air when I'm here in the studio. You want to know you're not, as my friend Casey says, shouting down the toilet. Yes. Thank you, Casey. Who's this Casey? She's a friend of my very funny comedy writer, Casey St. Onge. Oh, great. She's one of the producers of Watch What Happens Live. Yes, I've seen her on Twitter. Yes, you have. I always thought it was Cassie.

Everyone does because it's spelled weird, and even she will tell you that she wishes it wasn't. Well, she can do something about it. Too late. She's a grown-ass woman. Too late. Too late, really? Too many forms. Ah, how many? One? I bet there's—no, if you change your name— Yeah. How many do you have to do? Triplicate? It's not just the form to change your name. You then have to change every document. Every document you've ever signed? Back to grade school? Yeah. Back to grade school. Okay.

No, all your social security, driver's license, all those things have to be changed. Yeah, I guess so. That's why Kulop did not take your name when she got married. Do you have to do it when you do that? Even, oh God, that's a pain in the ass. Janie did it and I don't know why she did it. I didn't ask her to do it. She's Janie Tompkins? I thought she was JJJ. JJJ had had Tompkins. And she had to change all that stuff and it was a gigantic pain in the ass. Why does anyone do it? Why does anyone do it?

and get married. That's a topic of another podcast. We're the wrong guys to talk about. Because we love our wives. Well, there's only one thing left to do, I think, and that is, of course, it is New Year's Eve. That's right. And I think we should close it out with a little song. What do you say? Scott, I couldn't agree more. Should old acquaintance be forgotten?

never brought to mind should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne for auld lang syne my dear for auld

Lang Zine. He'll take a cup of kindness yet for old Lang. Zana, Zana,

Cheers. Cheers.

This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

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