Best of 2016 Pt. 1
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Comedy Bang Bang

When you're here, you're family, but once you're in the parking lot, it's acceptable to kiss with tongue. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Shampoodler! Shampoodler! Catchphrase superstar! You're a catchphrase superstar! Going through the stratosphere to catchphrase heaven! Or hell! Catchphrase god! Oh!

19 comedy bang bangs in the comedy bang bang theme song. I counted them today. Sorry, got to stop you right there and say I thought it was 14. It was 19. The Hardcastle? I thought it was 14. No, no, no. Here, let's listen to it again. Here we go. All right.

Let's count them off. Here we go. Engineer Cody Cody. None so far. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,

14. 19. Oh, you got it right at the end. You really pulled it out. You did it. Paul was right. 19. How did I hear...

You were counting on – first of all, we were both counting. Yes. But we were counting on one hand, and it is easy to lose track. 14 and 19, it's the same finger you hold up. You just can't remember how many you've rolled through. When counting on one hand, it is easy to lose track. Ah, so. I'm sorry. Sorry.

An apology so soon. Apology tour 2016. Victory tour. Let's do a victory tour. Oh, gosh. We should go back to all the cities we went to on tour and say thank you. What if the Jacksons, remember when they did their victory tour back in 1985? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if they had just done Trump speeches in Trump?

I don't know how that would work. If they just rambled, just like, it's great. Jackson 5 is going to be great again. Lock her up. Yeah. That was fun for a while. We don't do that anymore. No. You guys. Oh yeah, State of Shock. Please. The greatest Jackson 5 song. I actually love that song. That is the greatest. State of Shock? Yeah. I mean, it's the greatest Jackson song. Is it the Jacksons or is it just Michael Jackson with Mick Jagger? It was the Jacksons with Mick Jagger. Um,

And the Jackson 5 had, of course, great songs like ABC and I Want You Back and all that. But then they changed their name to the Jacksons and they put out maybe four or five records or so. Why did they change the name to the Jacksons? Was it to accommodate additional Jacksons or to – I think someone had a bun in the oven that they were hoping for. And then I believe there was a miscarriage and they were like, you know what? Oh.

We're stuck with it. So it was going to be the original Jackson five and a baby. Yeah. I love that movie. A newborn infant. Yeah. That movie, the original Jackson five and a baby. And then remember they thought of the set was haunted, but it was a cut out of Tito. Uh,

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. And you are listening on a very... You are listening on a very auspicious day for you. You are...

What an episode to be your first episode, if it is indeed your first episode, because this is the Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2016, episode one. Trude at. We're doing four episodes of our best ofs. We're counting down what the listeners of this show, super fans of this show, voted in as their favorite episodes. Or people who hate the show and are trying to destroy the system. It's like the American Idol where they were trying to vote for Sanjaya. Sanjaya!

One of these episodes may be the Sanjaya episode. I'll let you tell me which one you think it is.

Hint, Solo Bolo may be coming up. People love this Solo Bolo. As do I. By the way, my name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang every single week, which wasn't always the case. There have been some substitute hosts over the years. Been a long time since that happened. Been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Since you've had a guest host. Since we've had a guest host.

20 years ago. I see Darth Vader over there. This is Rogue One. Up.

Forest Whitaker. Forest Whitaker.

Welcome! Across from me, of course, joining me for the 25th year in a row on The Best Ofs, the only episodes he ever does, he is right across from me, Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. That's right. Reaching across the aisle in the spirit of bipartisanship. Meaning we're two different people. Is that what bipartisanship is to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, then every interaction would be bipartisan. Good, it should be. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I wonder what year this is that we've done this together. It might be literally our eighth time doing it together. It might be. I don't really know. How old is the show? It's our eighth anniversary, and this is our eighth Best Of, I believe. That's pretty cocky, that first year. You're like, hey, we should do a Best Of. No, it was like an eight-month period.

From May to December. Not even a full year. Not even a full year. And you were saying people got to vote on their favorite episodes. But at the same time, it was one of those things where we were taking a couple weeks off from the radio station. And so it was a banked episode. So we said, let's do a best of. Come on. I have to explain this to you, Mr. Showbiz? It's for the benefit of the listener. Being for the benefit of the listener. What is that? I started that and realized that song has no discernible melody.

Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite. I don't even know. For the benefit of Mr. Kite, there will be a show tonight on Trampoline. But they never say being. That's the problem. No. In the lyrics. They do on the title of the song. Exactly. If it's going to be in the title, put it in the lyrics. If it's going to be in the title, put it in the lyrics. All the title words. That's a new one. That's a new one. That's a new one. Paul.

2016, people are calling it the Peter O'Toole special, my favorite year. For the podcast. No, for life. Oh, boy. But personally for you, how was your year? Personally, it was a great year. I mean, there were, I think... Did you get a little closer to your wife?

No, we stayed the same distance. That's why it was so great, emotionally. Look, if we're going to be together forever. It's got to be incremental. Absolutely. Yeah, sometimes she'll ask me a question and I'll be like, let's save it. Yeah, let's save it for 2025. Better not tell you now. Reply hazy, try again.

I'm a magic eight ball. I don't know if the listener knows that. If you don't know what I look like. Yeah, Paul is a magic eight ball. I'm round and black. I have a little window in me. You're like Cedric the Entertainer in a way. Cedric. Cedric Yarborough is the only Cedric. He's the only Cedric. I'm so sorry, Cedric Yarborough. I apologize. Cedric was on my podcast, Spontanean Nation, where he revealed. He's the greatest. He's a dream. He frequently on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. Yes. Had a recurring role as a sportscaster. Yes.

They were so funny doing this sportscaster role with Kyle, Kyle Bornheimer. They were so funny together that I said, I need them back just like... So any excuse... We have to invent a reason. Any excuse we had, we would put them back into the scripts and they would very nicely show up. Cedric is so funny and so nice and so much fun to be around. But he revealed that he has... You said he's very nice, so fun to be around, but... He...

killed my dad. What? He did? No, it was vehicular manslaughter. It was not on purpose. Oh, no. It's like, I can't fault him for it. He didn't mean to do it? I mean, manslaughter implies that it's on purpose. Vehicular manslaughter. Sure, yeah. No, the...

Vehicular or non-vehicular, manslaughter implies intent. No, I don't think so. Manslaughter means you killed someone. It does not mean... Murder means you did it on purpose. But you're at fault. It's not manslaughter, she wrote. That's a good spin-off. She just investigated accidental deaths. Manslaughter. Oh, Jessica. You didn't realize the glass had a sliver of broken... When you served it to them. Oh, Jessica.

manslaughter here. And by the way, person slaughter. Yeah, right? 2016. Come on, almost 2017 and it's not person slaughter yet? This is 2016 going on 2017. What were you going to sing? I don't even know. I was saying almost 2017, but you said going on, which makes more sense because of the original song says going on. Yeah. So for you, for you personally, Goodyear for the world. Yes.

It was tough. It gets worse and worse, does it not? Just every year worse. Those videos that they show to kids. Which videos? It gets worse and worse. It gets worse, kids. Yeah, you have your experience of like, I thought things were bad, and then they got even worse. Yep. But, you know, we're not here to dwell on that necessarily, but we can. Let's celebrate the good stuff because there were many good things, and I will say for such a challenging year –

I laughed a lot this year. There was some sad things that happened, but I still – I realized – I must admit when I look back, I had a lot of fun this year. As did I. Some terrible things happened to me personally. Someone on the internet said I wasn't funny. What? Who? Oh, I know that guy. Yeah. Do you know that guy? I think he said that about me too. WhiteGenocide666? Yeah.

He's got a little frog. He looks like a frog. He's a green frog. Wait, not Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. Pepe? Wait, is his name Pepe? Pepe the Frog. Pepe the Frog? Pepe is the frog. Pepe the Frog? Do you think that... Edmettano. What? Edmettano. Edmettano. Is that frog? That's frog for... Hey, wait a minute. Oh, you're speaking in the frog language. I'm speaking frog French. Oh, I see. Mm-hmm.

What do American frogs sound like? Ribbit. That's an answer. That's an answer. What were you going to say about – Do you think that the – oh, right. The neo-Nazis took that Pepe drawing and adopted it because it's such a shitty drawing that's easy to replicate? I can't tell. No one seems to know. I've read article – if you don't know what we're talking about, there is a –

a cartoon of a frog that was on Reddit and similar places that was not associated with white supremacy at all. Nope. And somehow they took it over. Yeah. And now if, when you see it and it's, it's, it's too bad because the creator of it has no connection whatsoever.

to that at all. It would almost be as if like Walt Disney created Mickey Mouse and within like three months, someone was like, hey, guess what? This is a Nazi symbol. And then Disneyland would never have happened. We're now in an alternate reality where Pepe the Frog Land will never happen because of this. We'll never have Pepe rides. I want a Pepe ride. I want to eat Pepe pancakes. Pepe peas? Oh!

Oh, Pepe. Okay, lots of them. But no one knows how it happened, though. It was very weird. I don't know, like, the first guy to do it was like, hey, check this out. This really says what we're all about. But Pepe was a popular meme before it became adopted by them? Popular meme that was sort of like about anti-establishment maybe in a way of like, hey, like, fuck you, maybe. I'm as cool as this crudely drawn frog. Yeah, or like, you know, there'd be a lot of pictures of him

you know, like flipping someone off or something like that. And that's like, hey, Pepe. And I guess like the ultimate anti-establishment is the alt-right. We don't like this establishment that allows different races to walk around freely. Guys, we're getting political here. Normally we don't do it, but, you know, it's the world we live in. What are we going to ignore it? It was inescapable this year. You know, but they say laughter is the best medicine.

And that's what I was going to talk about. Some terrible things happened this year, and just not only personally, but in the world. But we did laugh-a-lof. Laugh-a-lof? We did laugh-a-lof. We laugh-a-lof. Sir Laugh-a-lof. Laugh-a-lof. We did laugh-a-lof.

We laughed a lot, and we put out a lot of product, a lot of tent. We slung a lot of tent. We slung a lot of tent. So much content. 20 episodes of Bang Bang. You put out 18 episodes of Agillion. That's right. And you did so many live shows. We did so many live shows together as well. But you also did your Largo live shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of tent out there, and hopefully that, you know, we've talked about it on the show before. You know, you can't just, like, turn off wanting to laugh, right? You know? Yeah.

Can't you? I don't know. Can you? I mean, if you're on the game show, make me laugh. That is a great time to be able to do it if you can, but a lot of people can't. Otherwise...

you know, they would have to give away cars every single contestant, you know? Did they give away cars on the show? I don't know. I think that's- I want to say it was like $50. I think it was a dollar a second you didn't laugh. Right. Did you, were you ever on it? Were you ever a person? Yeah, I did like three episodes. Yeah. It was mortifying. I thought it was really fun because I had just started comedy and I did three episodes. Sure. And I felt, I was in that like, oh, I don't know my place in the world and a lot of people I look up to do it and it would be so cool if I got to do it.

And we went and auditioned and the producer came over and I

I was like, so what do you think? He's like, oh, yeah. I mean, you guys are great. The rest of these people fucking suck. It's like, oh, geez. Wow. But that was like such a nice – I had just started comedy and for a person to go, oh, you're so much better than everyone else was like, oh, I got – and the first TV shows I believe I did were Make Me Laugh, three episodes of Make Me Laugh. The first time on camera, I believe. You were on Days of Our Lives for eight –

Sure, sure. You don't count that? No, I walked right from my final episode of Make Me Laugh into the Days of Our Lives studio by accident. Oh, I see. I was wearing an eyepatch. Sure. And we all know that villains wear eyepatches, of course. That's right. And they said, whoa, get over here for a second. Just get stitches. Villains wear eyepatches. And I was Paige for the next eight seasons. Yeah. So anyway, that's a little bit of trivia about me. Fun story. Now, Paul.

What we're going to do on this episode... Break it down for me. ...is we are going to be counting down the top 15... Mm-hmm.

regular Comedy Bang Bang episodes of the year and the top four we'll play one every episode of the Comedy Bang Bang live tour episodes you're including live episodes I'm including live episodes now those normally I would include them in the regular voting but because not everyone has Howl and not everyone has a Howl subscription those episodes are behind the paywall oh god so that's so frightening Paul don't say that

Not everyone has been able to hear those, so we want to give people a taste, but also they naturally get lighter votes, so I wanted to honor those because the tour was, I think, some of the best episodes we did all year. Agreed. So I want to make sure people hear some of them. So we'll be hearing one of those for each of these four best of episodes, and we're counting down the top

15 and you voted for them. You. This is on you. This is on you. We have no horse in this race. Yeah. We have no skin in this game. I don't care. Look,

I don't care what people thought were their favorite episodes. I don't care at all. I don't care. I don't give a shit about what people think. They're wrong. What they do, what they say. Wait a minute. I don't care if they're alive. Well, hold on. Are you like a nihilist? Yeah. Okay. I don't care about earth. Oh, you don't care about earth? No. Even. Dirt, grass, forget it. Yeah. Yeah. The very, yeah. Plants? That's what makes up the earth. Trees? Dirt and grass. Yeah. All of that. Rocks? No, you can stop. I don't care. We all know. Lava? Minerals? Lava. Magma?

We're going to do the... This particular episode, by the way, we're going to be counting down number 15, number 14, number 13, and number 12. So...

Four regular eps and then one live. The fourth live episode. I see. So if you're just listening to this one, we're going to get better and better each one. So make sure that you listen all the way to the fourth ep. According to you people. You can't say you people. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Hashtag it. So keep listening to these because if you like this one, it just gets better and better and better and better and better. If you like the worst one, you'll be like...

I'm dumb. If you're dumb enough to like these shitty episodes. If you're such a brainless moron that you listen to this last one and you're like, I enjoyed all that. I swallowed my fork again.

I forget what's food and what's not. 358th time this year. How did I even count that high? I'm dumb, get it? If you're one of those mindless cretins, then continue listening because you'll enjoy it. Yes, exactly. There is hope for you. There is hope. And speaking of hope, I hope to get to our first clip right now. What do you say? Oh.

I thought when you said... Speaking of hope, I was going to talk about Barack Obama's campaign. Yeah. And then segue into Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope. A New Hope, of course. And Rogue One is out now. Subtitle?

A Star Wars story. Is it? Oh, okay. Normally the subtitle is what we call them as in Empire Strikes Back and all that. Star Wars, Rogue One. So why don't we then, okay, since we call Return of the Jedi all that, why don't we call this a Star Wars story instead of Rogue One, like colloquially? Yeah.

So it's, okay. You know what I mean? Using that formula. Did you see Star Wars? Yeah. People didn't say, did you see The Force Awakens? Right. You know what I mean? They said, did you see Star Wars? Okay, well, that's different than what I was saying. I was saying people said, did you see Empire Strikes Back? Did you see Return of the Jedi? Yeah, yeah. Star Wars is the only one that we actually say instead of A New Hope. A New Hope is a terrible title for a film. But I think we say it is terrible. Mm-hmm.

And I think it's time we re-litigated that. Okay. Bad idea. Poorly executed. Calling it that? Yeah. Well, it was never supposed to be the title of the film. Here's the problem. They called it Star Wars. That's right. They just called it Star Wars. When it came out, it was just Star Wars. Yeah. And then in the crawl, they were like, oh, we got to have a title for this dumb chapter. It's not the title of the film, certainly. We would work harder on this. So George Locust is just Locust, right? George Lopez was like, hey! Hey!

Let me get in on this. Offensive. What? And not even good. He's a person. He's a person? Wait, is that the bare minimum? You were going to say he's a person? That's the bare minimum for an impression for you. Is that if it sounds like a person? Okay, you succeeded on that front. It does sound like a person. Let me take umbrage with the dialect. I'm like...

When I was doing it, I was like, wait, what does he sound like? I know. Has it been so long that we've forgotten what George Lopez sounds like? I was trying to think in my mind, like, what's a typical thing that he does in his act? And you came up with. Hey! I tell you what, though. There's definitely video of George Lopez in some bit going, hey! Stereotypes are true. Oh!

Anyway, I was going to say New Hope. Yeah, George Lopez just wrote down a New Hope like who cares? First thought, best thought. And now because there were more than one Star Wars film, he has to now call it a New Hope. But I remember even as a kid reading an interview and it was something to do with when he and Spielberg were kids and they would see these chapter plays or whatever. Right. And jerk each other off. Yeah.

They sit there. Stephen, come over here. Yeah. Oh, that's – you mimed something different than you said. Well, I was – I had to make the noise with my mouth. I couldn't actually do it with my hand. But then you were pointing your hand. What are you doing? Yeah. I'm glad the listener can't see this. The noise I'm making, yes, it sounds like a blowjob, but it also sounds like someone put lotion in their hand. That's what I was thinking. Oh, what were you thinking?

Never mind. Wait, what? No, it doesn't matter. Paul, tell me. Let's not have an argument about this. Just explain your feelings. I thought you were eating a Wendy's Frosty. Oh, you thought I was eating a Wendy's Frosty. I thought you were eating a Wendy's Frosty. Yeah, you're like really scooping it in super fast. You've seen me eat before. Is that how I sound when I eat? I never look.

Now, you and I have eaten meals together. Sure, and you're wearing a sleep mask. I always put on a sleep mask. But you're able to hear it. I can hear it. So that's what I sound like. That's what you sound like. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, we always eat at Wendy's. You always order a frosting. I never eat regular protein. Scott and I have a standing luncheon date. We eat at Wendy's every day. It's like Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks. That's right. Every single day we get together for lunch at Wendy's, put on our sleep mask,

and eat ice cream for lunch. Oh, you wear one too. Of course. You've never been able to see, but I slip one on. No, because I have my sleep mask on. You wait until after I put mine on. I know. What a gentleman. I do. After you, I always say, and you don't know what that's referring to. I don't. Well, now you do. Jackass. You got me.

Anyway, I was going to say that we call them Empire Strikes Back. You don't call it Star Wars. But I think when the new one comes out, you refer to it as Star Wars. Yes. I didn't call it. You're right. The Force Awakens. It's funny. You're talking about them in the past. Which ones do we call Star Wars? We call New Hope Star Wars. Yes. We call 1 through 3 Star Wars. Yeah. When they're out.

When they're in theaters. When they're in theaters. You refer to it as Star Wars. But Empire Strikes Back, I called Empire Strikes Back. And Return of the Jedi, I called Return of the Jedi. Well, that's what I'm saying is I think I called them Star Wars then too. I called them because if you recall the font, it was like really big, The Empire Strikes Back. And then just to remind you, it had like star up at the top and wars down below. I do remember that. Just like remember this is part of Star Wars. But everyone I knew called it The Empire Strikes Back. Are you going to see Empire Strikes Back? Do you remember?

This is part of Star Wars. But those are the only two that we call by their actual subtitles. Well, we have to agree to disagree. Okay. Because I think now, of course— I'm going to disagree to disagree. To differentiate them now, of course we use those subtitles. But when they're in theaters, I'm going to say from back in the day to present, you say, did you see Star Wars? This may be a Philly thing. Yeah.

This may be a generational thing, even though it was occurring at the same time. Look, I'm two years older than you. Sure. When I was a kid, we did things a little different. Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, at the exact same time. You had it so easy. Slightly younger.

I believe I called it Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but now you're right. We should call this one a Star Wars story. Yeah. We should just call it a Star Wars story. Yeah. Instead of what is called Rogue One. I think everyone's going to call this one Rogue One, don't you think? I think they are. This is the first one in 25, 30 years that we're going to actually call by its actual name. And it's outside of the typical continuity that we're familiar with. I think it's a prequel of sorts. It's inside the continuity. There's nothing going to do it.

But it's outside the sphere of characters that we are normally accustomed to. It's outside of what is considered normal, right, or just. Right. Is it actually out yet? By the way, I'm going to check here. We got, yeah, it's out. So it's, from what I understand, it tanked at the box office this weekend because of the protests, of course. You've heard about the protests.

The Star Wars story protests? There were Star Wars protests, which killed the film. The Trump people were protesting Star Wars. Why were they doing that? I don't even want to get into it. But they – Hamilton and Star Wars, the two things they protested. Hamilton.

And Hamilton, it's done. Hamilton's closed. They shuttered it. Wrapped it all up. Too bad. Oh, well. Tell you what. Why don't we get into the countdown? What do you say? Why don't we? Why don't we get into the countdown? Our first clip of the countdown is episode 15. Number one, five. All right. Episode 15. All right.

Now, Paul, you don't know what these episodes are. I know. These are all a surprise to you. They're all a surprise to me. And you are a part of some of them. I can tell you that. Yeah, and I'm a quarter goldfish, so I don't remember a lot of things. And I'm constantly... You're a quarter goldfish in the brain and the penis. Yep. That's the quarter. Mm-hmm.

So you don't have a penis, you just lay eggs. Yeah. Love it. I'm doing it right now. Stop laying eggs, by the way. Will you fertilize these, please? All right, let me come on. There you go. A little decorum.

Now, you don't know what these episodes are. You don't know what order the results are in. And so that's why I'm going to tell you some information about them right before we listen to them. Oh, that's why. Okay. So now what we do is we vote from Thanksgiving of the previous year to Thanksgiving. And that gives us time to compile the clips. Makes sense. So –

Normally, we've talked about this on the show before. Normally, the older the episode, the more people have forgotten about it. Exactly. And the newer the episode, the more recent they are, and they usually vote for those over the older episodes. It just makes sense. It's human nature. Would it surprise you then, sir, to know that our 15th...

Most popular episode of the year was from January 4th. What? That's right. The first episode of this calendar year, not the first episode in contention, but January 4th. That's right. But what about the theory we just talked about? I know. It's been blown out of the water by this one example, but perhaps more later on. I don't know. Paul, snap out of it. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm going to be slapping Paul several times throughout this show. Yeah, that's another tradition we have. Slap fight. One-sided slap fight. Slap fight. Okay, that means I get to slap you. Anytime you call it out. One of these days, slap back. We'll see. Slap back. Slap back. I have a great credit card. It gets lots of slap back.

I don't know what that means. Neither do I. Maybe. All right, here we go. This is episode 393. It's from January 4th. First episode of the calendar year. Paul, do you know what the tradition is for Comedy Bang Bang? First episode of the calendar year. You, Ben Schwartz, and Horatio Sons. That's right.

All right. Ben Schwartz, Horatio Sands. We always get together. Maybe we will this next year in 2017. Who knows? Traditions are made to be broken. That's not true. Oh, really? They were made to continue on? They're made to stay the same, yeah. Well, wait a minute. That's the whole point. There's that tradition of marriage that I got into. I thought that that was made to be broken as well. No. Oh, Colab and I are getting divorced. Why? Yeah. Scott.

Because it's a tradition. Is this how I find out? Yes. How did you want to find out? Hold on. Divorce is also a tradition. That's true. It's an institution. That's right. About 50% of the time. Even more. I don't know if that's true anymore. Oh, really? Has it lowered? I think it's lowered. Because less people are actually getting married probably. I think more people are just dying. They're dying in their teens. Oh, boy. Okay.

This is an episode called Peanuts Awareness. Or Peanut Awareness. I can't remember. I think it was Peanut Awareness. Peanut Awareness. Great episode. I remember a lot of laughs on this one, and people are going to hear it. Now, this is Ben Schwartz. Of course, you know him as BB-8, the voice of BB-8 in Star Wars. Oh, proven your point. Yeah.

And he is himself, and Horatio Sanz, he comes in with... Sometimes he's himself, and then he goes into a character. That's right. Sometimes he's himself and has the barest grasp upon a character. Yeah.

This is a character named Ted Ronson. He's portraying a character named Ted Ronson. And he has, there's a month that he wants to call attention to for some special awareness. Very fun episode. This is our clip for your episode number 15. Here we go. Number 151.

I don't usually do podcasts. No. What kind of business do you own? You threw peanuts at us. Is that somehow involved in your business? Yeah. I sell peanuts. You sell peanuts? I sell peanuts. Okay. Wait. Stop, stop, stop. You sell? Peanuts. Say it again. Peanuts.

You heard it, right? I heard it on that last one. I think this is a front. Him throwing peanuts at us is a front so he can get away with trying to talk about what he really sells. I'm going to throw a penis at you. And you're going to have to catch it. Are you a male escort is what we're trying to get at. Hey, man, I've done a lot of things. I've been everywhere, dude. I've been everywhere. And that's true. I have done a lot of jobs. And this is one I'm kind of doing well with. So what is it? How does one sell a penis? Not to say that Scott and I are interested, but let's say Scott and I are interested. Well, fine.

You go to Dodgers 30 or what have you. And then you have to buy the peanuts. Oh, peanuts. You have to buy peanuts. And then they put all the peanuts in a big box. And then I walk down into the stadium and I go, Peanuts! Peanuts! Who wants a penis? So far, it could be peanuts still. It could be peanuts still. And then tell me what happens. Let's say, yes, sir, I'd like a peanut. Then I undo my pant zipper. Oh, okay. And I pull out my big...

Eight-inch, girthy bag of peanuts. Oh, peanuts. And I'll throw the peanuts at them. Why are you keeping them in there? Can I ask you that? Well, it's a little shock and awe. Little shock. It's a little trick. Little shock and awe. Little shock. Little shock and awe.

I got friends in low places. Okay, come on. Come on. I'm trying to join in, guys. I don't know your songs. Ted, you... You want some peanuts? Yeah, I do want some peanuts. Wait, no. Listen to what he's saying, dude. You're not hearing him. I want some peanuts. Listen, everybody knows the best thing about going to ball games is getting a nice cold beer and getting a nice, long, tasty, girthy penis.

stuff it right in your mouth and watch the ball game. What does it look like? This will help me. What do your peanuts look like? These are really good peanuts. These are really good peanuts. These I get from a farm in upstate New York. It's the peanuts. That's where they come from. Roasted, salted. Sometimes fat people can't eat salt. You get some unsalted ones. Don't have to yell at us. It's a beige

Okay. It's slumpy on one end. Too straight. Then it gets thin in the middle, but not too thin. Then it gets big again. It's got little veins in it. It's ribbed. The peanut is ribbed. Does it grow when you touch it? When you push it, it pops. Oh, my God.

I don't know. And this penis, you push it and it shoots out. What does it shoot out? Like a little, like a jizz. He's talking about penis. I'm talking about penis right now. I just switched.

So you are talking about penis. I'm kind of here, too, for Men's Health Month, January 2016. For what? A lot of guys are embarrassed to go to the doctor and say, hey, look at my dick. And then, like, the doctor will be like... Oh, penis, penis, penis, penis. So how many times do you go to the doctor to say, hey, look at my dick? I like to go... Well, I go...

Bi-quarterly. Can I say bi-quarterly means eight times a year? So let me say this real quick. I'm going to be you, and you're going to be the doctor. Take me through what your doctor's like because this is the sentence you say, okay? You said, look at my dick. What did he say? He said, look at my dick. Okay, I'm going to be the guy. You be the doctor, okay? I'll be the doctor. I want you to tell me how this works. Okay. Hey, look at my dick.

Well, we like to use the word penis around here. Oh, it is a real doctor. My warrior. Yes? Hey, Luke Skywalker here. Hey, Luke, what's going on? I am out of here. You farted and then you what? Even his farts sound like lightspeeders. What the fuck is going on? I don't know what's going on with him. What's a lightspeeder? Lightsandspeeder? What is it? Oh, okay, sure, sure, sure. I don't know. Lightsaber? It's a landspeeder. Landspeeder. Oh, okay, thank you. I'm not a nerd. An at-at. I am. I am.

I once took the entire collection of action figures, which at the time were three and a half inches. Did you really have them? Mm-hmm. And I stuffed them in my butthole, and that's how I stole them from the grocery store. You stole them? I did. I was a little kid, and I was so excited about it. I couldn't stop telling everybody. I was like, I got to get this. I want that figure. I got to get this. And so I did one time. I went in there, and I tore a hole in my butthole pants. So you had to take them out of the box, huh? Yeah, I don't have the boxes, unfortunately. That'd be so funny if you didn't. I know. I was trying to set them up. Yeah.

Oh, well. Well, you know, sometimes I like to stick to the truth, to the facts. I don't like to expand the story for show business. No, no. There's the thought. There's the thought. We've only just begun to live.

Are you checking your penis out? No. So are there different methods we could do? So I know testicular cancer is a big thing you should check for. By the way, are you certain how to do it? Am I certain what? How to do it. Yeah, I mean, you just kind of like cradle your barrels. What do you call them? Barrels? Barrels, yeah. B-A-R-R-L-E.

Cradle your Bartles and then you just kind of squeeze them as hard as you can and if they explode... No, no, no. You want to make sure there's no cancer in there so squeeze them as hard as you can. Let me take you through what you just said. Grab your balls, squeeze them as hard as you can and if they explode, they don't have cancer. They don't have cancer. You know you're cancer-free.

Because you can't squeeze it when it's got a cancer in it. Because it's hard. It's hard. Exactly. Yeah, so if it's hard like a rock. Testes are hard as a rock. We hard. We are.

To do the iron curtain. I got iron curtains with me. Oh, oh, oh, meat curtains. Rastow Cowboy. All right. You're such a fucking idiot. Bummer. You think he's an idiot? Yeah, he thinks he's a dum-dum. He may be. So what's your deal? You sell peanuts or you sell peanut? I don't know. I can't. I sell peanuts. Jesus.

Jesus Christ. Let's raise the level of conversation here. You sell peanuts. That's what you came to talk about, right? And also penis awareness. Penis awareness. So I can see why you get confused. Well, sometimes there's a... Right now is a real great time to buy peanuts.

Peanuts are peanuts. Can we make a – we have to do something. Can you listen to my – Can we – tell you what. Can you listen to the word coming out of my mouth? Sorry. You're right. Keep going. We'll figure it out. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to write the word penis on a sheet of paper. I want you to write the word peanuts on a sheet of paper. And any time you say that word, I want you to hold up the one you're talking about, all right? Listen. Here we go. All right. He's written the words. Okay. You have one on one side, one on the other. All right. Here we go. All right. Do it. Do it for real. Okay. Good.

Okay, well, now you're drawing it. Okay, that's a peanut. That's a peanut, definitely. I hope to God that's a peanut. I hope otherwise it's a... He drew balls on it. It's a penis. This is a peanut. Okay, I see the proportions. Yeah, okay.

That's not going to work for the podcast. We took a big shirt. Check out the big shirt. He literally drew a big peanut first. He waited for Scott and I to say, well, that's obviously a peanut. And then he drew big balls on the panel.

So technically, the words you've been saying is right. Because it is a penis. It's a penis. That's the funniest thing that happened this year. Oh, gosh. All right. So point to the one that you mean when you're talking about it. Okay. Yes. Are you pointing to the penis?

Can't you see? Yes, I can see. Listen. I'm listening. You gotta listen. I also want you to look. You're married. You gotta think. Think about it. That's a penis. You gotta think. Think about it. That's a penis, baby. Freedom. What is he writing here? He's writing some words or something like that. Okay, peanut, penis. Cock. Alright, here we go. Talk about what you were going to talk about.

Penis awareness. All right, point to the one. Okay, penis awareness. Yes. I know that you're married. Yes. So it's good. And it's good that you do that because your wife could notice that something's wrong with your penis and would tell you. This young man, on the other hand. Not married.

Do you ever go to dick doctor? What's a dick doctor? It's a dickter is what it's called. Is there a dick doctor? Dickter. What's it called? Dickter? Just a dickter. I've never been to one. Do you have unprotected sex? No. I try my best never to have unprotected sex. I'm pretty good about it. I never have unprotected sex. Never? You said you never. Almost never. Well, if I have a girlfriend and she's on birth control. Like if you don't know someone? No. If I don't know someone, I'll put on a condom. Yeah. You don't want to get a friend pregnant.

No, of course not. I've never used Conway. I'm a stranger. How many friends do you fuck? I don't want to get an enemy pregnant even more. No. By the way, that's it. You're supposed to keep your enemies even closer. Yeah, that's true. Get them pregnant. And if you think you might have caught something at a Christmas party or something...

There's a really good test you can do at home. That's dip your dick in Sprite. In Sprite? In Sprite. And if it turns blue, then you got HIV. Some sort of litmus thing? Yeah, it's a real simple test you can do. Would it work with 7-Up as well, or does it work with Pepsi or Coke products? No, it has to be Sprite. It has to be Sprite. It has to be Sprite. What is the ingredient in there that makes it some sort of pH? Someone's obeying their thirst.

I'm thirsty now. I'm actually thirsty. I noticed you brought a bottle of Sprite in here. Do you mind if I just take a drink of it? Scott, Scott. Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Oh, no. Blue Sprite. What is this? Some sort of new promotional campaign? I brought some... Scott. I brought HIV piss in here to show you guys. Wait. What? Scott. Hold on. Let me drink it again so I can do a spit take. No, don't. Scott, don't. Don't. You're going to spit on me. Oh, you did do a spit take. You fucking idiot. Got all over yourself. Was it worth it? It was. Let's all do spit takes.

Where did you get this HIV piss from? And where'd you get that outfit? I've never seen someone wear tambourines as pants. I know, it's very weird. They're just all like in the shape of pant legs. It's very weird.

Yeah, it's outsider art that I picked up these tambourine pads. We have fun, Ted. Don't you feel it? Don't you think? I do, but look, there's no fun if you have problems with your peanuts. Yeah, what happens in Peanuts Awareness Month? Oh, we just tell people not to give toddlers peanuts, to be aware of the peanuts. So it's a choking hazard awareness. Choking, and sometimes people sit on peanuts. Oh, God, you got just, which one is it?

What is what? What are babies choking on? Sometimes people will sit on a penis. What does it taste like? Tell me what it tastes like. You don't know what a penis tastes like? Just tell me. It's not what I heard. Is it peanuts or peanuts? He knows what a peanut tastes like. All right. So just imagine that. Salty, salty, and chewy. I got to ask, what are babies choking on? Please point at the right one. Please point at the right one. Raj, I mean Ted.

Ted, please. No. Okay, he pointed at the peanut. No, he's going back and forth. All right, it's a peanut. All right, it's a peanut. That was a close one. Let me tell you, the best way to eat a roasted peanut is just by itself. Open it up, pull it out. You usually get two. Sometimes you get three in there. Yeah, that's a good point. And you just put it. Open your mouth. Yeah.

You're stuffing through your lips. What is happening right now? Let him finish. Move that tongue out of the way. Move the tongue out of the way. Get that tongue out of there and just keep stuffing the stuff. I'm going to tell you something right now. If it's a penis or a peanut, you're doing it wrong.

Supposedly if there's three of them. Yeah, three of them and you got to move your tongue out of the way? And then you stick that peanut all the way back there and you gag. Oh, God. Gag yourself. Why am I rock hard right now? This is not the way I want to just start the year, by the way. Your old fault. You invited Ted Ronson to the show. That's true. We were having fun with Raj and then fucking Ted Ronson got the way to eat a peanut. Number one, five. Ha, ha, ha. Peanut awareness. Peanut awareness time. Peanut awareness.

Peanut! Peanut! You put the peanut in the drink. You put the poison peanut. What if in the trial, we're talking about a lot of hot button issues on this episode today. All fun stuff. Fuck it. Let's talk about it. What if in the trial, it came out that it was like, it turns out Mr. Cosby has not been slipping drugs into drinks. He just puts one peanut into everyone's drink.

What if that comes out in the trial? What if that comes out and everyone's like, has to apologize to him? But what now? Oh, so it comes out that this is actually what was happening. Not that this is what his defense is claiming. Yeah. But no, this is what actually happened. They prove it conclusively. So all these women are like, I guess now that I think about it. There was one weird peanut in my drink and I had consensual sex with him. I apologize, Mr. Cosby. But no!

Okay, so if the peanut is not drugged in any way. It's not drugged. It's just a peanut. He's just got a weird thing about putting a peanut. Puts a peanut in there because it makes it feel powerful. Puts a peanut in the drink. I put a peanut in your drink.

I'm not saying it's likely. I'm saying what if it happens? It's highly unlikely. But there's a chance. But before I can address the what if of it, I want to make sure I understand. These women, they're having consensual sex with him. Consensual sex. That later in their minds, they reframe as him having drugged them. Well, they got caught up in the wanting to be famous. And so they accuse him. Sure. Yeah.

Oh, okay. So they know they're lying. It's not that— Some of them know they're lying and some of them just— We're all the heroes of our own stories. Some of them did have a peanut slipped into their drink. They all had peanuts slipped into their drink. Well, well, but I mean, some of them had a peanut slipped into their drink and that caused them to have consensual sex with Dr. William H. Cosby. No, it never caused them. They chose to. No, no, no. What?

Oh, okay. Or they were so impressed by it that they chose to. I just meant something about the peanut being put into the drink. Don't blame the peanut. Don't blame the peanut. I'm saying that there are two separate things. You're going to hide behind that? Don't blame the peanut. He put a peanut in the drink that's totally separate from them having consensual sex.

I may have said consensual. So what happens is at the trial. Yes. At the trial. At the trial. Every single person. The defense says, your honor, all my client did. The defense doesn't know about this. This is something they stumble into. What? They stumble into it because so many people are up there on the stand. They go, well, I found a peanut in my drink.

And then the defense attorney goes, so many peanuts. And then whispers in Bill Cosby's ear and he goes, oh yeah, of course I put the peanut in the drink. I like to put the peanut in the drink. And they go, stop everything or let the trial continue and let me speak. That's probably more specific. If they stopped everything, it would just be like, well, you're free to go, Mr. Cosby. Objection. Okay.

And then they call everyone back up to the stand in tandem, all of the victims, supposed victims. In tandem. In tandem. They say, everyone come back up together. Oh, okay. Come back up together. Yeah, big group style, family style, Olive Garden style. Yeah. Come back up here. So tallest in back, shortest in front. Shortest in front. And they say, did you all find peanuts in your drinks? And answer all at the same time. Three, two, one. Yes, your honor. Yes, your honor.

So it comes out when they're on the stand individually. Yes. They all mention having seen a peanut in their drink offhandedly.

Offhand. Offhandedly. The defense lawyer puts two and two together, calls everyone back up, and then calls Mr. Cosby to the stand and says, isn't it true that you just, you didn't put any drugs in the drink, so you just put a peanut in the drink? And Mr. Cosby says, Dr. Cosby, so sorry, so sorry, says, I put the peanut in the drink. I put the peanut in the drink. Which then causes the judge to go, you're free to go, Mr. Cosby. And then he goes, sorry, Dr. Cosby. Right.

Okay. Not likely. I'm not saying it's likely. So you're saying, what if that happens? What if that happens? That would be weird. It would be weird, wouldn't it? All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have your episode 14 right after this. Oh my God, fitness in this country has gotten crazy. I mean, I know I'm obsessed with it and every fitness enthusiast like myself is

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Let me spell it out a couple of times. H-U-A-W-E-I. All right? That's how you spell Huawei. H-U-A-W-E-I. So go to huawei.fit slash comedybangbang, huawei.fit slash comedybangbang.

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The countdown's really moving. We've heard one episode. It's really moving. Haven't we? It's really moving, haven't we? It's really moving, haven't we? Now, why don't we get to it? Let's get to your episode 14. Yeah. Number 14.

All right, episode 14. Now. Number 14 with a bullet. We, the previous episode was from very early in the year. You said January as I recall. January, yes, January 4th. This episode is from November 7th. What? Just a mere month ago, right before the cutoff date. But under the wah-hire? Just right under the wah-ha-ha-wah-ha-ha-hire. As a matter of fact, if I may check my notes, this is the latest episode

Oh, I don't even, well, I'll just say it. This is the latest episode. I know that's going to give some people, they're going to realize the next two in the eligibility period are not in the countdown, but this is the latest episode. Scott, shut up for a second.

I don't know that you've always employed this system of tons and tons of printed out emails. Has this always been what you've done? Someone just printed it out. Normally, it's on my phone. Oh, okay. Yeah. Normally, I look at it on my phone, but it's a little bigger here in the emails. And you know what? Our eyes are not what they used to be, are they, old chum? No, sir, but you're going to hear lots of this.

over the next four episodes. This is the proof. Lots of paper rustling. No, this is the latest episode that was voted for. Insane. And this is an episode, this is number 456. This is an episode called The Historic Wrap. Yes, that's right. This is...

Jason Manzoukas, and Paul F. Tompkins himself. That's right. That's me. First episode on the countdown, old boy. I can't. I'm a little mad that it took two episodes in. Okay. Can I say this right now to the listener? You wanted to be in the very first one. I

It's a mystery to me why I'm not in all of them, and I have no choice but to take it as a personal affront. Well, you're not on the show every single week. That would be weird if you weren't in that. We'll get into that later. But that's a separate piece. Hey, good looking. I'll be back to pick you up later. And we'll talk about that a little later. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Yeah, it's a tradition. It's a tradition. Well, let's save it, though. Yeah, let's save it and savor it. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So you're upset, though. Mm-hmm.

I'm furious that anyone votes for any episodes that I'm not on and that I'm not on the show every week. Okay. You'd like to be on the show every week. Really? Oh, this sounds like a be careful what you wish for situation. It's a real monkey's paw. You're a real monkey's paw. How dare you? Hey, how dare you? You're a real Zoltar machine. I'm turning everyone into...

I got confused. I thought it was turning people into little boys. But Zoltar would turn people into big boys. He does turn them back at the end. Essentially, Zoltar is stealing life from people. He's taking 20 years of life out of people. What does he do with those 20 years? I don't know that we talked about this. We have not. On mic or if this was offstage. Was it? Okay. Maybe we had this conversation during the tour. Okay. I would love to see a sequel to Big.

That is just Elizabeth Perkins' character. We may have talked about this. And how she deals with that moment where she sees the little boy that she had sex with as a man. And I think waits around another 20 years hoping that he comes back to her. You don't think she's haunted by this weird situation? Of like, I just had sex with an adult penis that is –

in reality, a child penis? A child's brain was in this man's body. He tricked me into having sex with him. And now I see he's just a little boy. And now I have to live with that. I have to live with that. Yeah. And it's the best sex I've ever had. And that's... I was in love with this child, man. Yeah. And now I'm attracted to children. Yeah. Well...

I didn't want to. Maybe. I'm presuming. I didn't mean to suggest that. That's what I'm presuming. But she would be suspicious of every man. Every single man. From that point on. Can I ask you a question? What did you do from age 10 to 30? Yeah. Where'd you go to college? Talk to me about your other girlfriends. You've had sex before, right? And you're not a 10-year-old virgin. How old were you when you started shaving? When did you get your driver's license?

Ah, good stuff. All right, speaking of good stuff, let's hear a little bit of, this is your episode 14, the historic rap. Paul, you play Cal Solomon. Cal Solomon, founding member of the Sugar Hill...

Now, talk about the origins of this character. Did this start on Spontanean Nation, your own podcast? It did. It started as – in the early days of the podcast, I would – because I wanted the ads to be entertaining as well as the rest of the show, I would often make up characters just for the ads. And they would sort of –

have little stories that would continue. And some of those were Al A. Peterson. The Smith criminal. We heard him last week. Started as an ad person. And Cal Solomon was one. And his story got pretty...

Pretty detailed over the course of these ads. And so when we were doing the tour and we were doing so many shows. You had to think up characters to do. And Phil, we did 40. I believe we did 40 live shows this year. You maybe did 38 of those. Yeah. Or maybe 39. I think I only missed San Diego and –

Yeah, I think I only missed San Diego. I think you only missed San Diego because you did South by Southwest as well. Yeah, yeah. That's one that I – yeah, that may be the only one that you missed. I think so. I think so. Is it true? So over the course of that many shows, in order to keep it fresh and not just for the – Certified fresh. For the audience. In order to get our fresh certification, which we had to do before every show, we had to go to the local podcast certification board and get the show certified fresh. Mm-hmm.

We, you know, it just seemed like rather than trying to invent something

Countless stories for these same characters. The same people that we've done on several tours. New stories for new characters. New stories for new characters. Newsies. And so I went and looked up on the Spontaneanation wiki that a young lady named – I don't know if this is her actual name. Her screen name is Marius Perkins.

And she has kept a list. Is she a character? She might be. Who does her? She's a character.

I think that's a Mary Holland. She kept a list of the advertising characters and their stories. So it was a huge help. Wow. Okay. So you would look these up as we were on tour and go, oh, yes, this was Cal Solomon. So this is one of those. He made it to the tour. As I recall, New York was the first time that he was on and now has made it to the show proper.

Right in under the wire from November, first we're going to hear me talking to Jason Manzoukas for a bit, and then Cal Solomon comes in and we'll hear a little bit about what he's up to. This is episode 14. Number 140.

Should there be bathrooms on subways? No, no. What? No. Oh, categorically no. But like a whole car. Nope. A whole back car. Oh, well, that caboose. Well, that usually is the bathroom car. Right. But you know what I mean? Like, should they just make a whole caboose where it's like, look, guys. Or just a hole in the ground? Yeah. Just a hole, a hole in the car. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's just like squat over this. Yep.

That would be amazing if people would just get up and walk to a hole in the subway car. Would they do it? And just start shitting their brains out. Okay, the first person to do it would be embarrassed. How far away are we from people shitting in public?

I think pretty close. I mean, everyone, no one minds sex tapes, right? Like, you know, at this point it's like, at this point it's like anyone you want to see naked practically has a sex tape. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I have a sex tape. Oh, you know, so that's what you do. I don't personally. Does it feature your big lumpy cock? Big and lumpy. Lumpy cock. Have you checked out my cock yet? Big lumpy cock.

But you know what I mean? It's not that far off of just like, you know, like so many celebrities are out there, you know, playing with their poons. But what I'm saying is like playing with their poons. I mean, like, you know what, man? You know what, man?

We have to respect people in, you know, playing with their poons is just totally cool. I'm not going to slut shame the poon players. No, no. And that's what I'm saying. But so many of these people are hacked, but so many people just hacked. They're hacks? I'm shutting that shit down from coast to coast because I'm trying to make a point here. But so many people willingly put it out now and it's just like stuff where they're like, hey, a dude coming on you. Oh, great. Okay. You know that how far away are we from just people going like, ah, fuck it.

Yep. And just like, yep. I feel like that is, I feel like we're not far away from that. I do. I feel like we are. Great point. We are weeks away from public. Weeks away. Wow. You think by the end of the year? Public shit stations. Public shit stations.

Public shit stations. What do you mean when you say public shit stations? Like, you know, like areas in public where you can just like... Where it's not walled off like a bathroom. It's just like some chicken wire. It's basically like a dog park. Like a dog walk. Yeah. Versus like just going there. Yeah. But I bet that's how it starts. I bet people start using dog parks as toilets. Next thing you know. But that's... I would say the first person is going to be embarrassed of like, really? This is legal? And then feel ashamed. And...

And then by... I love that legality is your main concern. But you know what I mean? Like, really, this is... I want to shit in public. I'm just not sure if it's legal or not. I want to shit in public. I don't want to get arrested, though. Look, you know what I mean of like, look, people are going to be looking... This is a weird situation. People are going to be looking at me. Hey, Jeff, my lawyer. Hey, quick question.

Excuse me. Why are you bothering me with this? I want to take a hot deuce in public. Yes. Where are we vis-a-vis the law? Look, you ask me every day. The law was just passed today. Yes, you can do it. Okay, cool, cool, because I'm going to drop it out.

You can't overhype. You can't overhype Cal Solomon. But Cal is going to be rapping to us a unique rap to him and to the world, much like a snowflake. No rap is the same. And he is going to be rapping about pizza. Oh, yeah. That's right. Okay. So, Cal, are you ready to do this? Are you ready to hit him with the hind? I mean, he's ready to live a bit, I guess. And that is very ready or not ready at all?

Kind of in between the two. You're sweating a lot. Oh, that is a problem that I have. You're sweating a lot. I do sweat a lot. I especially sweat out of my eyelids, and sometimes it's called sweat. It's where sweat shoots out of my eyelids. Yes, almost like you're crying in a cartoon. Yeah. Well, try not to do that over us. I'll try not to, but no promises. All right. Here it is, Cal Solomon rapping about pizza. Cal? Pizza rap by Cal Solomon. Here we go. Ahem.

Have you ever gone over a friend's house to eat and you don't like the pizza they serve? Because the toppings aren't the ones you like. The pepperoni's sliding off. And you just don't have the nerve to say, I don't like your pizza. Can I get out of here? I want to go listen to fun. I got a comedy pizza party that's happening around. And it's got to be number one. I'm a rapping cow. I like to have a good time. I like to eat pizza and make some friends. And...

I'm between relationships right now. Bleep-blop-blippity-blue. Boy, oh boy. Bleep-blop-blippity-blue. Bleep-blop-blip-blap. Listen, I'm in between relationships. Would you like to have my phone number? I'd like to go and see the sunrise and know that I'm not alone. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

It's throwing me off a little bit. That thing's about to fall. That thing's about to fall, as it has in every episode I've done in the last... Sorry, that's probably because I hit it with my chair. Seems like it's the fifth character. Cal, so sorry to interrupt. No, that's all right. Am I still doing it? You're in, but yeah. By the way, are you still in it? Go ahead. Okay. Part two. Peach Rap by Cal Thelma continued. So you don't... So you...

So that's no good. You walk out of the store and you say, I'm still leaving a 15% tip. You go to your friends and you say, I had a bad pizza experience. Blip, blop, blippity blip. Let's go downtown where the party is. We're going to eat authentic pizza because the water is different here. It's the way it's made. You don't eat it with a knife and fork.

Once I saw a guy who was so repugnant. I didn't like the way he held his pizza. He looked like a feet, you know, like aristocrat. And he was too good for the little people. And he's eating pizza. He's just eating pizza like it's, I don't know. I didn't like the way he was doing it. There was something about it.

He was blotting it with a napkin. And Cal. Yeah. Can I, do you mind if I interrupt for one second? No, go ahead. Because I think I've had a revelation. Sure. And please take no offense at this. None taken already. You are, you are correct. You are not a good rapper. No. But you are a fantastic storyteller. You're a raconteur.

What I just heard was a really interesting story about you seeing a guy blotting his pizza. Like, it's really interesting what you've got to say. It is. But your problem is I think you're hung up on the fact that it's got to be in the rap context. Well, here's the thing. And, Jace, you're very generous, and I appreciate that. And thank you for being so positive.

I love the emotional vulnerability of you are between relationships. It's true. You really let the listener in. I really like that. That vulnerability is compelling to listen to. I didn't mean to say that part, and I wish I had not put it in there because it's very private personal information. But now it's out. I said it into a microphone. But you had to be honest. We agreed that you were going to be honest. Yeah, that's true. I guess –

And I thought that was more of a permission thing. I didn't know. You have to. You have to know. Serum. Yeah. It's like when you invite a when you invite a vampire and that's like, you know, they just can come and go. Wait, truth serum like Dr. Ben Carson would use if he was interrogating terror suspects. Why are they using that now, by the way? Oh, it's a good idea. He had because it doesn't exist. What's that? It does not exist. Oh, he probably shouldn't have said that. No. And he's a doctor. That's irresponsible.

Can I say, first of all, I wish that there was some sort of intrepid listener out there who would put that to perhaps a Sugarhill gang beat. Or any kind of beat. Or any kind of beat because I thought it was fantastic. I would love to hear it fleshed out a little bit. I suspect there are many listeners out there who could take that and create really interesting varied songs out of it. I mean, it's the raw material. It's like, well, you know, diamonds are made of coal, right? Oh, that's true. That's a great lyric. No one likes listening to that. No.

So I think, I mean, look, is it good? That's for history to decide. Oh, no, it's not. It's not good. It's not good. I could tell as it was happening. And I think also. You seem very nervous when you're doing it. Yeah, you were rubbing your hands together. Very uncomfortable. Yeah, I was.

I was. Yeah. I wasn't comfortable. And for me, I guess there was a bit of a personal victory because that's the longest I've ever rapped. That's the longest? Really? The longest I've ever gone. Including when you were with the Sugar Hill Gang. Oh, for sure. The Sugar Hill Gang, they would shut that down pretty quickly. Have you spent the last 40 years listening to rap? Like, are you familiar with how it works and operates?

Well, I mean, I know the song Rap is Delight. Sure. Do you know any other rap songs? Well, I mean, it's the template for all rap songs. So I figure why should I listen to other rap songs? It's everything you need. So you've never heard another rap song? I don't think so. There's been a long, I mean, we were talking about the Mount Rushmore of rap. You've never heard any Jay-Z or Nas or? I mean, I've heard of Jay-Z. Sure, sure, sure. Eminem. So you know of these, did you see the movie 8 Mile? No.

Was that the one where Tom Cruise is a race car driver? No, no, no. That's Days of Thought. It didn't have Mile in it. No, it didn't have Mile in the title. That's the one where that poor dead girl hooks up with Eminem. A PDG? You know me. That's my favorite WB show. Um...

surely you've seen a movie where there's been a rap song in it. Like if there's a party scene, you know, like on Euro trip or something like that. That's your pull? Euro trip? Look it up. There probably is one. What was that movie? Is it called The Wedding Singer? Sure. Yeah. Where there's a grandmother. But that's just Rapper's Delight. That song is Rapper's Delight. So you've seen that movie. I have seen a movie with a rap in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Cal. Oh, that was great. Number one for... Oh, so good. So right. As we found out, and it comes up in this episode, Cal Solomon is maybe the only character who's not antagonistic towards you. Yeah, the one...

And on the tour, that got to be a big grueling, having a fake argument every night. I really loved when Cal Solomon would be on as I would finally have a little respect. Cal was, he was very happy to be there. Mm-hmm.

Cal is a guy who is very self-aware. He's got his dreams. But he's, you know, he is very aware of his limitations. Sure. He hopes to get past them. Sure. But the outlook is not so good. Doesn't watch anything with rap in it. Only The Wedding Singer. The Wedding Singer.

Now that was, here's a little behind the scenes. Yeah. Because we just heard that clip. That was a completely happy accident. Happy Gilmore. That I knew there was. Happy Madison, I should say. You'll see. Well, they should call happy accidents happy Madisons. You want to get mad that the characters have an antagonistic relationship with you, but then you do things like that. Hey. But when-

When the idea of... When Cal was challenged on being aware of rap and seeing modern rap... Because you just threw out there... You threw it out there at one point that you had never... Anytime you hear rap, you turned it off or something like that, right? Or you just had never seen anything with a rap in it? I think just I had never seen anything with a rap in it. Right. And... And we started listing... We started listing things that had rap in them. Is that what it was? We just heard it. Yeah. But...

I pulled the wedding singer because I remembered from the trailer that there was a rap and granny in it. Yeah, you only liked rap and granny. Yeah. What I did not know or remember was that she read Rapper's Delight, which is, we can surmise, this is the only rap song Cal has ever heard. Yes. I mean, you're working on levels that just are subconscious at this point.

moment. So you don't even know. Exactly. So I'm a genius is my point. Speaking of geniuses, let's listen to some geniuses do some ads here. We need to take a break. When I say geniuses, I mean myself. Let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have the next episode on your countdown. The Canada.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. Paul F. Tompkins clearing his throat after every break. You won't give me a chance to do it before we come back. Just let me know. I say, all right, here we go. Is that not clear enough? Well, I don't know that you're talking to me. All right, shit, okay. Well, you and Cody might have some sort of deal.

All right, let's get to it. Here we go. This is episode 13. Oh, scary. Boo! If this were a hotel, I wouldn't stay on this floor. Hell no! I wouldn't sit in this seat on an airline flight. Number 13.

Uh, this is an episode, this is another recent one. And this is more of our theory about they vote for the recent episodes. This is blowing your theory out of the water. But this is, well, no, this is proving the original theory. This is from October 24th. That's two months ago. Of this year, just two weeks previous to our previous episode on the countdown. This is weird. This is an episode called Pow Pow Power Wheels. Ha ha ha.

Yes, this is Weird Al Yankovic, my co-host and band leader on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Not to Weird Al, he's still alive and kicking, as the Simple Minds once said. Well, let me get a rest in peace in advance for him then. Okay, yeah, that's the thing. Why can't we get our rest in pieces before we are...

already traveling to wherever we're going to travel to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? We should walk around saying that to people instead of hello and goodbye. What if I never see you again? Rest in peace. Rest in peace.

What is this when people are saying now, I noticed in the last year, rest in power? What? Yeah. Rest in power? Yes, yes, yes. What does that mean? I don't know, but it sounds like work. That sounds terrible. It sounds like the opposite of rest in peace. Ugh. Rest in power. Rest in power. That's terrible. Guys, rest in peace is fine. You don't need to, you know, like tinker with it. It's great. Rest in power. It doesn't need any punch up from you. And by the way, just to fit RIP –

I guess. That's really strange. Like you're going to what? Like go fight God? Well, but also you're resting. Yeah, that's the other thing. So where is the power coming from? Yeah, it's just like go to sleep. Go to sleep. That's like one of those people who's like, yeah, I'm such a muscle man that I want to flex while I'm actually sleeping. One of those people.

You know those people. One of them, yes, of course I do. So Weird Al Yankovic, rest in peace. And Claudio Doherty, rest in peace. Rest in peace. And of course, Jessica McKenna, rest in peace. Was this her debut? No, this is not her debut, but this is probably her third episode and the second time for this character that she plays. Oh, this was the second time. Second time, and this was, I think, the episode that cemented kind of her,

She is a great improviser and someone that she was on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show a couple of times with whom I'd worked. And I've been hearing about her improv a lot. And so we had her on the show. And the first episode that she was on the show, just blown away by – Blown away. Blown away. So –

So amazing at like callbacks, I have to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really listens to every single thing, even before she comes on. Yes. She will call back like 12 things that other people have already said. Yeah. Terrific. And hand in hand with that, I don't know whether it's the same part of the brain or

but also turned out to be a really great freestyle rapper. The rap on this episode is so good. I can't imagine it's in the clip. That's too bad. It is in the clip! It is in the clip! Yes!

I don't know why we started freestyling. We'll hear the clip, but we just started it. Oh, why did it start? I remember I had heard about her being a really good freestyle rapper, but this was not set up. When she started, I went, oh, yeah, I'd heard that about her, and then just sat there while she did it on and on and on, and it was really, really impressive. Yeah, and people have to understand, from a –

from a, an improv perspective, somebody who can go like pretty much the length of an actual song. It's crazy. It's insane. Anyone. No, I won't even say that. I don't even think anyone can do one rhyme. Oh, well, some people can. No, no, but I'm, I was about to say anyone can do one rhyme, but I, I don't even think so. Some people can't do. The people, the people, people on the street can't,

You know, if you were to get a poll, go, hey, do this, do a freestyle rap. I would say people on the street-

Six out of ten would not even be able to do one rhyme. I top out at one rhyme. Yeah, that's about where I'm at. And then I'm so relieved that I made it rhyme. Right. It goes out of my head. So for a person to go almost as long as an actual song, it's insane to me. Yeah. A lot of people have been clamoring for her and Neil Campbell. Right. And possibly Amy Poehler if we can ever get her back. Epic rap battle. What a rap battle that would be. Let's listen to this episode. Claudia. Rap in peace.

Rap in peace, rap in power. We have Claudio Doherty as herself. Of course, she's playing sort of a version of herself as she always does. The only difference I think is that her mother doesn't like her very much and keeps inventing. I don't even know if that's a difference. I can't tell. Well, that's true. That's true. But.

But the conceit is that her mother keeps inventing these fake contests to get her away. To get her away out of Australia. Yeah, to send her away. So she's playing herself, Weird Al, of course, is himself. And Jessica is playing a character, a little girl who comes into the studio and –

she's driving a Power Wheels, which is a little tiny car, and her mom works upstairs, and she is unsupervised a lot. So let's hear it. This is your episode 13. Number one, three, four.

Do you think that God, to bring up the old JC again, do you think he calls people up when they're about to die? And he's like, you think like someone, I think he texts. He texts. Yeah. Oh my God. Nobody calls anymore. That's a macabre horror film. Yeah. That's a spook. That's a spook fest right there. They call it the text. The text from Jesus telling you you're dead. The text from Jesus telling you you're dead. You're dead now. This is a great title. I love it. I mean. You get a text and it's like, it's from JC and it goes, you're dead.

Oh my God. And then you drop dead. Yeah, so you drop the phone. A little emoji. A little emoji with a skull. Yeah.

Oh, man. But would he be like, I love you? Because you know how he loves everyone? I've heard that about him. That's one of his main characteristics. I love you, but you're dead. Or you're dead, I love you. I think much like Moneyball, he doesn't want to sugarcoat it. He just wants to sit someone down and go, you're dead. I think he'd be like, you up, and then you're dead. You up, you're dead. Yeah. And if you were not up and you don't respond, you can elude it. He's like, you got it already. Don't worry. You're in a semi-coma.

What? Look out, losers! Wait a minute, wait a minute. Ew!

Wait a minute, I think I know what's happening here. Al, Claudia. Wait, what was your name? Is it Beth? Yeah, it is. Thanks, Scott. Hey, Beth. Sorry, guys. This is Beth. Her mom works upstairs. In marketing. In marketing, yeah. Not for this company. Nope. Do you guys need things marketed?

I hate winning competitions. I'm trying to get the word out about it. Okay, yeah, she could do that. Do you need to do like a publicity tour about winning stuff? Yeah, I think that would be cool. I only come on this show so far. Is this your new theme song to your Power Wheels? What? This is the same as always.

Always. Pow, pow, pow. It seems you've added a musical component to it of like, pow, power wheels. Pow, pow, pow, power wheels. It's a power wheels in a minute. Yeah, and the wheels. Watch as they spin it. And I'm driving. Beep, beep. And I just don't sleep, sleep. Because I have nightmares. Because all the things that do scare. Because we're in the middle of a scary month. My mom says stop crying. Okay. Um.

Yeah, that's right. Here's how I do. I say boo to you. If you catch the ghost first, then the ghostie is the worst. That ghost, he dies. He dies twice. If you say to that ghost, I like you more than pumpkin spice. Amazing. Wow, Beth. I didn't realize that you could rap when we started that. Me neither. I'm growing. Learning more all the time. Are you still going to school?

Well, I'm kind of just doing school on a computer right now. So when you say after school, meaning after the last school you were kicked out of? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, after school. I'm in an after school zone right now. And so school on a computer, what's that? Just like a virtual teacher who's like, hey, if I have five apples and give you two apples, how many do you shave with?

It's a confusing question. Is after school basically when you close the lid on your laptop? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. And it's a virtual teacher? Yeah. Like a hologram? Like a Tupac hologram sort of thing? Yeah. And you can actually pick what you want and I have chosen Tupac. Oh, really? Yeah. That's the dream to have Tupac teaching you things? I'm learning the three R's. Reading, writing, and rapping. Oh, and that's why you

That's why you're so good. Well, Tupac's my teacher. What can I say? Oh, man. I almost feel like you need to lay down another Halloween rap here. Here we go. Oh, if you're out into the deep sea, you might have heard horrors from me. If you're a kid, you're about to die.

And your whole family at Olive Garden gonna cry But we'll have unlimited breadsticks Yeah, that's right, that's my final trick If you're looking for a treat The only treat is this beat Tupac is my teacher But I might be the Grim Reaper We don't know, I might have Darkness inside Halloween pride, yeah, that's right

Everybody knows I do better than a ghost I'm inside all your minds That's right, get behind me So I can defend you from the darkness that's about to come And you're about to sink into the pits of hell Pow, pow, power wheels Pow, pow, pow, pow, power wheels Pow, pow, pow, power wheels Pow, pow, pow, pow, power wheels

You guys all just got texts. Did you see that? Oh my god, let me check this out. You up? I'm not going to respond. I wouldn't. Mine says you're dead. I love you. Oh my god. How long do you think you have? I don't know. It says in brackets 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Okay. Let's make these the best 15 minutes of your life. Make it count. Does anyone have anything they want to tell me before I die? You're the

only one who got and I love you so you won we got two pod keys teaching me math the only plug I know is in the bath I only take baths I never take showers I'm a lady try to

I'm sorry, but maybe not. Maybe you'll live forever and you'll turn into some weather and whenever I feel wind on my face I'll be like

Leonard Cohen's up in this place. Leonard Cohen wrote, Hallelujah. Leonard Cohen wrote, Hallelujah. Power wheels. Leonard Cohen wrote, Hallelujah. Power wheels. Number one, three. You got it? I got it. Paul just cleared his throat. How dare you? I let him clear his throat. And then Sky went, You got it.

Funny shit. Funny shit. Funny shit. Funny shit. Funny shit. My personal relationship with this episode is I was listening to it as I was driving to the set of Bajillion Dollar Properties in Malibu. The boo. The boo. Channel 101 fans represent. And...

It was a day that the production did not seem to be aware, nor was I, that President Obama was visiting Los Angeles. Oh, oh. And so all – it was like Sunset Boulevard was completely closed off from end to end. It's a pretty long street. That's – yeah, yeah, from end to end. And so –

I am driving around trying to find a way in to where I have to go. Right. I'm getting very frustrated listening to this episode, which was the only thing keeping me from going on a murderous rampage. That we hear that a lot that, you know, it's the only thing that keeps people sane during their rides to work and sometimes during work. It's really true though. I was in such a frustrating situation because I couldn't, I'm trying to communicate with the production. And I ended up being an hour late, which was,

One calendar hour. One of your Earth hours. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on a second. Yeah, an hour. An hour like we both say.

Can I ask you a question? Can I see you in the kitchen? Can I see you in the kitchen for a second? First off, are you a 10-year-old boy? What are you talking about? When was the first time you started shaving? I shaved this morning. Okay, great. Okay, good. Covered, covered. Second question, are you an alien? Yes. Oh. Whoa. I mean. You have to tell me legally. Oh, okay. Got it.

Build that wall. Build that wall. Lock her up. All right. So anyway. Yes. Very frustrating situation. Made a little bit better. No, made it a lot better. It made it so much – honestly, it kept me from just melting down. And did that hour being late, did that affect the production at all? It sure didn't, Scott.

No one cares. I don't think I had to tell anyone. I could have shown up. Whatever you wanted. Zero problem. All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, we're going to hear our first live episode on our countdown. That's right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, everyone. Want to tell you about a new series over there on...

Howl.fm. That's right. Howl.fm, where it's like an owl.fm with an H, I think is their new tagline. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if that's a winner, but that's what they give you. That's what they gave me in the copy.

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dot FM. It's like how with an L at the end, not better. Comedy Bang Bang. God damn it. That's on purpose. That was on purpose, guys. Uh, Paul F. Tompkins here and I'm Scott Aukerman and we're counting down our top 15 episodes of the year. This is, uh, the first, uh,

in the best ofs. We always, or we have been at least for the past few years, four episodes in a row and we tape them all in one sitting and we get crazier and crazier as we go. Yeah, come on guys. It's not weird. It's not weird. This is what we do. This is what we do. There's a precedent that's been established. By the way, when I saw Duran Duran live. Duran Duran. Duran Duran. That's what John Taylor said was they played Girls on Film or whatever their last song was. Everyone started clapping. Woo! And he said, this is what we do. Woo!

Not sure about that.

Like, yes, of course you're applauding. This is what we do. It sounds like, is he annoyed by it? No. Are you surprised that this was good? No. This is what we do. No, it was bragging. It was like, of course you're clapping. I get it. We make you go crazy. You go mad, don't you? That's a spot on John Taylor from Duran Duran impression. This is what we do. Yeah.

We invite you to come ride. Hey, speaking of other countries, you were doing an accent from another country. Let's speak of one. Why don't we get to our live episode countdown, the mini countdown within the countdown. This is episode number four. Number four.

All right. This is the fourth most popular. We did 40 live shows this year. I believe 39 of them are eligible for this because one of them was in the regular feed, the South by Southwest episode. So the other 39 were eligible for voting, and everyone got to pick their top five, and we're going to count down our top four, and this is number four. And for this, people had to go, Behind the Bay Wall. Ah!

Oh, so scary. So, so scary. Oh, wait. Was that you screaming or was that a scream that's happening somewhere behind the paywall? That was behind the paywall, yeah. It sounded like a sound effect. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That is, by the way, number nine on our sound effects record. Oh, finally. We're getting closer and closer. How many tracks altogether? I believe we said we were going to be doing 99. The most you can on a CD. That's right.

All right, this is episode, this is your fourth most popular live episode, and this is from August 1st. Can you put your mind where you were August 1st? August 1st. We recorded this on August 1st, 8-1. We were in, I'm going to say we were in Australia.

No, no, no, no. Oh, we were in Montreal. Montreal. Pepe. Pepe Lefron. Pepe Lefron. Ziegail. Rebeat Ziegail.

Montreal. This is Montreal. Now, this is an episode. It was you, Lauren Lapkus, Nick Kroll, and John Mulaney. A great group. GG. This one I remember. It was – this was the first of the shows where it was very difficult to hear anyone else on stage. That's right. We had a couple of these over the entire tour where it was very difficult to hear, and this one –

It is a testament to how funny everyone is that we cannot hear each other at all. Yeah. Unless someone's face was pointed directly at you. Which is not the case when you're performing. You don't want to see a bunch of people in profile looking directly at each other. Because we're all vain. Vainglorious. Vainglorious poppin' J's. But it is a testament to how funny this episode is and how much people liked it that –

Even though we couldn't hear each other, the recording of it is very funny and everyone is very funny. Now you are playing Big Chunky Bubbles. That's right.

Which Big Chunky Bubbles was a, that was born on tour. Born on tour. That was born minutes before a show. That's right. We were at a, we were at a restaurant and something on a menu at the restaurant we were at right before the show. It was in his description of an item, some kind of stew or something. Big Chunky Bubbles. Big Chunky Bubbles. And you said, oh, I should be a character called Big Chunky Bubbles. We said, great. And then minutes later you were. That's pretty much it. And it has become a staple of the show. Big

Big Chunky Bubbles maybe dislikes me more than any of the others. He's a very unpleasant guy. He doesn't like anybody. He doesn't like anybody. So I shouldn't take it personally. You should not. The other ones I do. Don't take it personally. Yeah, I understand. But he is, yeah, he's an unpleasant guy. Unpleasant guy. This is Big Chunky Bubbles and Lauren is playing Pamela from Big Bear who is an insane person. A lethal combination. Two terrible people. And.

And then we have, of course, Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, and they're playing their characters Gil and George from The Oh Hello Show, which is currently on Broadway and taking The Great White Way by storm. It sure is.

And people love them, and this has a lot of riffing with them together. And just imagine us straining to understand what they're saying. Here's what was great, though. When John and Nick came out, it took the pressure off needing to hear because they just talked and talked. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, okay. I honestly, I don't mean that as a slam. No, it's not a slam. It was literally a relief. Oh, this is great. Okay, they'll just go. Because the three of us, Lauren, you, and me, had been having such trouble trying to figure out what we were saying. I believe you may have came out first, and you and I could at least talk to each other because we started. You can't have Pamela from Big Bear come out first ever. Yeah.

She's an insane person. But you and I talked for a good 20, 25 minutes, I believe. And we were trying to face each other as much as we could. And so we did an okay job. And then Pamela came out and we couldn't hear what she was saying at all. We were like, oh, fuck, what is going to happen? By the way...

This would all be easily solved by monitors. Yeah. That were turned up and pointed at us. But apparently in the Montreal Comedy Festival, just for laughs, not just for monitors. Gotta put that in the rider, bruh. It is in the rider. It's in the rider, bruh. They don't call it just for monitors. They call it just for laughs. Wait, they...

They do or don't call it just from others? They do not. They actually do not. Okay. It's JFL, not JFM. So when Nick and John came out, it was such a relief to us of like, oh, these guys know their characters so well and they're so in the pocket. And they'll never stop talking. And they don't stop talking and they're really funny while they do it. We could just sigh and go, guys, have at it. It was like a working vacation. It really was. So let's hear it. This is your number four. Number four.

Did we already mention what a great group this is? This is a solid group. This is such a great group. Honestly, usually your guests are losers and nobodies, but this is a real who's who. Yeah. I don't know whether you're talking about us on stage or them out there. I can't... Who?

You? No, I know we're up here. Who else are you talking about? These people. Oh, yeah. No, they're terrible. Chespie, Pamela. Yeah. Yeah. Great. This is fun. JFL. Why do you keep sniffing? What? Oh, we did a bunch of cocaine backstage. Yeah.

We did this real step-down cocaine that comes from... This real Montreal Nightmare gave it to us. This real Montreal Nightmare shit. Oh, God. They bring it down. They tow it from Edmonton in the snow. And then they step on it with gasoline. So it's this real yellow kitchen, the fucking brain coke. This guy had a great... This guy had a great flit brim smish mouth hat. And it was cool. He had a tattoo all over his calf.

He had a bad vibe, so we bought a bunch of shitty coke from him. How long have you been in town? I mean, you guys, obviously... Well, we're here. We're not just here for Juste Parier, which, the JFL, which is a wonderful... Two weeks of French comedy and two weeks of good comedy and...

I don't know that I agree with that. We kid traditional French clowning because it's god-awful and stupid. No, no, no. It's great when there's just a perverted man. But if he doesn't speak, it's adorable. I know. When a clown pretends to be bit in the butt and they grab their little tush, I mean, who doesn't just double over at that? But we're here for G's Fest. Yeah.

We have a cheese fest. You're performing then, is it? A cheese fest, yeah. Well, we're fans, but we also perform. We do archipelagist music. Yeah, we write lyrics to jazz hits. Oh, okay. I'd love to hear some of these. Well, you want to hear Birdland by Weather Report? Oh, yeah, Birdland. If you just want to join in, you're welcome to. Yeah, it does beat. It does beat.

Step right up, meet the Mets, become friends with the Mets. You can meet the New York, you can become friends with the Mets. Maybe not the players, but some people in the front door of this.

Wow. Yeah. Ah, God, I'm choked up thinking about Jaco Pistorius. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a little choked up. Jaco is a dear friend of ours. Jaco is a good friend of ours. Where did you meet him? We used to pick fights with bouncers, too. Yeah. Of course, everyone here is familiar with late 70s and early 80s. Just fusion bass player Jaco Pistorius. We got

We had a beat sheet backstage and we knew the third pit should be about Jaco Pistorius. We know how to open and do things. - When is a millennial pit cast audience gonna know more about

than 70s and 80s jizz fusion bassists who died because he picked a fight with a bouncer. With a bouncer in Florida. But we get choked up about famous people who died because we want to make it about us. A lot of people have died this year. A lot of people have died and we always Instagram and we go, we knew their work. Look at me. Look at this because even...

Even though those people are dead as a doorknob, they would just love to know that you stole a Getty image and put it on Instagram. Think of me today because I like this guy's work. Oh, God. For them to know that you tweeted while they're a dead body, what a joy it would bring them.

Did you know anyone like David Bowie? I mean, he lived in New York. You guys know Bowie. Oh, we knew Bowie. Oh, he valued his privacy, and we would blow it up whenever we could. We'd go, Bowie's house, that's where Bowie lives. And I'd throw little pebbles at night, like Romeo. And I'd go, Bowie, come here, kiss me, you little bifree. It was like Little Romeo, the music artist. Like Little Romeo. I'd go, come here. Masterpiece, son!

He's Master P's son. Right, yes, of course. And that was our thing, because as a stalker, we have no limits. Yeah. Did he ever have occasion to come outside, ever? Bowie? Bowie, of course, yeah. No, because I was out there making, I'd go, kiss me, kiss me. If you're bi, kiss me, you know? If you're bi, kiss me. Yeah, if you're so famously bi, why don't you come out and mooch me, prick?

You know, I was real aggro about it, you know. It's a little intense. Yeah, come here. Fuck you, give me a kiss. Did you even want a kiss? I don't know. I'm no queer. Come on. All right, okay. Well, hey, even in juvie, I didn't turn sissy. I did. Why were you in juvie? There was this fire, you know. And I was there with the gas can taking credit. Taking credit? Yeah, I burned down the school. F you.

Just to give yourself street cred? Yeah, and this was three years ago. This was three years ago. But they sentenced me to juvie because I went, I don't know right from wrong. Yeah.

It was wearing shit pants. Yeah, I was wearing shit pants. I look ridiculous. And you had shaved, probably, presumably, that morning. No, no, no, no, no. Really? No, I just, I did a flesh-colored makeup on my beard. You put on makeup? On my illness beard. This is an illness beard. It is. Because I had a heart attack. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, it was fine. It was great. I grabbed my arm at the restaurant and Gil knew what to do. Yeah. What did you do? I got more bread. I love bread.

I talk about it all the time on dates. Yeah, on dates. I go, yeah, you want to know something about me? Well, I love free bread, so... Who's dating here, huh? Anyone dating out there? Oh, one guy clapped out. And then realized he would be called attention to. The guy with the Supreme hat in the front row, he clapped it up. He's clapped. He's got a backpack under his chair. He does. Where are you backpacking to later, sir? We fuck it.

The pool party, he says. Yeah, right. I bet that's not going to be too good to keep interacting with him. Yep, not returning to that well.

But you know, we're going down to Rio next week and we're nervous. Are we going down for the Olympics? Yeah, we're going down for the Olympics. Yeah, we're bug chasers. Yeah, we're bug chasers. We want to get Zika. We want to get that Zika. You're bug chasers. We're bug chasers, yeah. Back in the bathhouses, we go, gimme, gimme, gimme, because we're little bug chasers. Yeah, we're bug chasers. And so we want to go down there because I got this fitted hat, but it's too small for me. Yeah.

So I'm hoping to catch that Zika. I'm hoping to catch that Zika pin this head right up so that I can...

so I can get into this Expos hat. I got this fitted child's Expos hat. With the flat brim, you know? Sure, of course. You keep the tags on. But it's too small right now, so I'm hoping I go down the rear. Because right down, if you get that Zika, you get that little peanut head. And you can wear like any, like I'm a seven and three quarters. Are you? Fitted ball cap. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm hoping to get down to a two. Yeah.

Get a little pinhead like these Brazilians. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we're going to go down. We're doing the opening ceremony, which will be us being released from kidnapping. We're hoping to get kidnapped by some of these favela monsters. How are you going to entice them into kidnapping you? Are you going to advertise? Give me a kiss. Fuck you. Just give me a kiss.

I'm going to go down to Copacabana Beach and go, hey, you little dirt poor rats. I got cash on me. Kiss me. But honestly, what is cuter than a nine-year-old with a machine gun? Yeah. That Olympics is going to be awesome. It's going to rule. Dash will be there. Dash? Dash. That's what you got to call ISIL, baby. They hate it, man. I read an article that they hate being called Dash. They get so steamed. Yeah.

It seems like we wouldn't want to provoke them by calling them. Nah, screw them, man. It's like you were always saying, Scott, I hate ISIS. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, he's always calling them Dash. No, no. I have no opinion one way or the other. You have no opinion. You're neutral on ISIS. I'm neutral. Yeah, that's cool, man.

They fucking hate it, dude. If you call them Dash, for real though, no kidding aside, they freak out like Frank Costanza. You gotta see these guys. They don't air those videos.

Are you going to try to take in any of the events at the Olympics? Yeah. Oh, sure. We're going to go see the swimming? Yeah. Swimming, really? Yeah. You got that one dude, Michael Phelps. Is that... He swims. Fish man, yeah. Fish face, yeah. Yeah, we sold him some awful weed. Yeah. Yeah, we sold him some real crap stuff, some real brown stuff. He smoked it right up. He didn't give a hell.

There's gonna be a lot less bong videos with all this vaping now, don't you think? I think so, yeah. Vaping has really taken the place of bongs. And I feel like these bong videos, you know how for years swimmers would get caught on a bong video? Or I guess maybe it happened once. But either way, it was the denfall of many great swimmers, but now they can vape quietly and blow it into their shirt. That's what I do with my farts. I fart and then I go... Well, first of all, it's coming up the opposite...

part of your body. I'm not sure how you're able to blow it. I fart out of my dick. Pamela knows it. You're finally speaking Pamela's language. That'll probably feel good when you fuck it.

Pamela, you've got such a strong voice. Thank you. I think that you guys would get along. You guys are very similar. Totally. Pamela, if you ever want to leave Big Bear and you want to come live in Woodstock or something like that. Come up to Sorgody's. You're offering me a place to stay?

Yeah, sure. I mean, we don't have a place, but sure, we're offering you a place to stay. Where do you guys actually live? Where do you reside during the year? 73rd. Yeah, 73rd and Amsterdam. In Columbus, yeah. Come on. We said different Chris Streets, but it's fine. You know, we each see the apartment in a different way. Y'all share a bed? Yeah, we share a Murphy bed. It's a Murphy Brown bed. Nice. When you say Murphy Brown bed, what do you mean? Yeah, Eldon's always painting it.

We did that thing where we put tape in the middle of the apartment. Oh, you did? And one side is... That's your side, and that's my side. This was a fight episode. Oh, yeah. Did you end up just both of you on one side, and no one goes over to the other side? Yeah, eventually, yeah. Because the bedroom was on my side, and... Yeah, no, after I drew the line, I went, uh-oh, you know. The bedroom and the kitchen and the bathroom. Everything, and meanwhile, I'm backed in a corner with this goddamn possum.

You were with a possum? Yeah, I was with a possum. I thought it was Tim Petty, so I invited him over. And then he goes, "Wait, by the way, I'm a possum." I go, "Oh, Jesus." And a talking possum. No, it turned out to be Ringo Starr. Yeah.

Thought it was Stimfetti. Claims he's a possum. Turns out, none other. Peace and love, Ringo Starr. Peace and love, peace and love. No more autographs, Ringo Starr. No more autographs, Ringo Starr. That's a shame he's not doing any more of those autographs, you know? It is a shame because we got so many glossies sent to him.

Because we love the Beatles, man. Yeah. The one interesting thing about us is we love the Beatles. Yeah. Just like everyone else in the world? Nah, it's an interesting specific fact about us. It's different with us. Who's your favorite Beatle? Charles Manson. Because he was like so committed to the music that he totally misinterpreted it.

We were bros with the whole Manson family. Yeah, we were in that group because they had these sweet eights and nines. And these brunettes. There's nothing like a broken nine. Number four.

Oh, great stuff. Oh, great stuff. Rest in peace. What an episode. Tell you what, let's take a break. Okay. When we come back, we'll have our final episode that we're going to count down of this, our first installment of The Best Ofs. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Mm-hmm. Ta-da.

Hello, I'm Chris Gethard and here with me is dream analysis expert Gary Richardson. And we are here to give you a taste of a brand new podcast called In Your Dreams, presented exclusively by the fine folks at Casper. We listen to the wildest, weirdest dreams submitted to us by you, our listeners. And we do our best to figure out just what those dreams could possibly mean.

I look over the side of my bunk bed and there are Huey Lewis and the news. You're saying this person might have interests in style and fashion specifically. You can tell that from that voicemail. 99% certainty. Plus, we'll be joined by some very special guests. The word mortality comes to mind. Mortality? Blood. Blood-tality. Subscribe to In Your Dreams right now on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for listening. Good night.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're here with- Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! We're here with me! With Paul F. Tompkins! And with you! Scott Aukerman! That's your name! That is me, and here, let's get to it. Let's get to your episode number 12. Let's do it, man. Number one, two! All right, well, zig-zamming, which is a cross between zig-zagging and examining. Examining? What am I trying to say? Wait, what? Zig-zamming? I said zig-zamming.

Was that the cartoon about the little alien? Zigzam? I don't know. What little alien are you talking about? Martian, the Martian. Invader Zim. Oh, Invader Zim, yes. Which Daniel Koenig wrote for. And just, by the way, wrote an issue of the Invader Zim comic book in stores now. Well, there you go. That's right. Little plug for the hilarious Daniel Koenig. Um,

this is an episode zigzagging from later in the year. This is now back towards the beginning of the year. This is February 8th and this is episode 400. Right? Oh, that's like a milestone episode. That's a milestone episode. No, that's a

milestone episode. And on the hundreds, we've been having two people. That's right. Jason Manzoukas, the aforementioned Jason Manzoukas and Andy Daly. And we've been getting together. I think we did episode 200, episode 300 and episode 400 together. Sounds about right.

100 was Rob Hubel and Tom Lennon coming back. The original from the first episode. From the very first episode. Yes, that's right. But then on 200, 300, and 400, it's been Jason, J-Dog, Manzoukas, and Andy Daly. And this is an episode called The War on Surfing. Did I say that? You did not until now. The War on Surfing. And this is Andy Daly doing his character Hot Dog.

Hot Dog is an older gentleman who he likes to water ski. And he water skis on sausages, very long sausages instead of skis. That's right. And we find out that in this episode he hates surfers and there is some sort of war going on. Yeah. Hot Dog also –

Worth mentioning. Yeah. Oh, very worth mentioning because it'll come up. Huge fan of the musical group Sha Na Na. Sha Na Na. And has been auditioning to be a member of Sha Na Na for most of his life. He's one of those people who can't just be a fan of something. He wants to be a part of it. Exactly. Don't get me started on fan theories and how much I despise them.

But do you think there are fan theories about this show? Yeah, I do. I do. I think there's fan theories about everything. Yeah, there probably are. About like what Hot Dog's up to or what's going to be next with- The Bible. The Bible. What a fan I am of the Bible as well. Big fan. Big fan. Two Corinthians. You know those comic conventions for the Bible they have every Sunday? Yep. Sometimes people come in costume. That's right.

That's how popular the Bible is. There's cons every week. Yeah, not just during the summer. Not once a year. All over the country. All right. This is Hot Dog is going to reveal some very interesting things. And yeah, let's hear it. This is The War on Surfing. This is your episode 12. Number one, two.

You're at a crossroads in your life as far as I'm concerned. I mean, do you go on? I mean, is there anything left for you to do here? I mean, do your thoughts turn to depression at all at this time in your life? You know? I mean – Here's what I'll say.

As a man who spends his days weeping at the Burbank airport until he is let go early, who has been kicked out of the band Na Sha Sha that he started. That is true. And has been told unequivocally. By every single person he's ever met. That he will never get into Sha Na Na. What are you living for?

I mean, I guess you have a vendetta against surfers. Well, there's that, but is that enough? I'm actively involved in a war. I'm actively fighting a war against surfers. But you're not on the front lines. I got a motorcycle. As I said, I'm nine months deep into taking a part in a motorcycle. Okay, so there's that. And I am going to be a member of Sha Na Na. Hot dog, you're not. I am going to be a member of Sha Na Na. Hot dog, it's not happening. They got a gig coming up March 5th.

Up in Niagara Falls, New York at the Seneca Casino. I'm going to be there. Great. But you can't audition? I can't audition because I've already auditioned in the state of New York. You can be a fan of Shaanana, of course. I'm not interested in being a fan of Shaanana. You will be a fan for the rest of your life. You will never say the phrase, hi, I'm Hot Dog. I'm a member of Shaanana. And I am the treasurer.

Yeah. Oh, I wouldn't want to be the treasurer. Wait, what position do you want to hold? I would like to be the secretary's secretary. Oh, really? Taking down all the minutes for the Sean and I meetings? Let me ask you this. Have you ever thought about attempting to join the organization of Sean and I in an administrative position? Yeah, manager. An assistant, a road manager. Roadie. I wouldn't want to get that close to my dream and not be attaining it. That would drive me crazy. Oh, man. But don't worry, you guys. Don't worry. All hot dogs are going to pull it out in the end.

I don't think you are. I'm going to pull it out on you. How much longer do you think you have on this earth? Me on the planet earth? Yeah. So you know that the earth is a planet? That's what it's called, the planet earth. So you think it's just a name? The name. Like a proper noun. The planet earth you think is the name of what we live on. The name of the country we live on is the planet earth. The country we live on.

Right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, that checks out. How much longer do you have, do you think? I'd say I've probably got another 80 to 90 years. With the singularity or something? I don't know what that means. Are you a Highlander?

No, no. I'm not a Highlander. No, no, no. You think you're going to be 100? It's funny. How old do people in your family live? Is it funny I asked you if you're a Highlander? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there was a time when I thought I might have been, and I'm not. Oh, yeah? Why? What happened? I cut off a guy's head, and I didn't get any of his powers or anything like that. Oh, okay.

Hey, I want to talk about this. What happened? Yeah, how did that happen? It's not that interesting. What year was that? That was right after the movie Highlander came out. Literally, I walked out of the theater. You're like, hey, here's a test. There can be only one. And cut a man's head off. Well, kind of like that.

Who was the man? Was he a ticket taker? I shouldn't talk this much because at times when I've talked about this, somebody said, hey, you're going to get arrested for that. So I shouldn't talk too much about it. I mean, that movie came out a while ago. What's the statute of limitations? Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. That's what I've got. But was it murder? In the sense that, yes, that the person was killed and not in self-defense or anything like that. And you meant to do it. And I meant to do it. Oh, no, that is murder. It was malice of forethought and whatnot. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And so this is pre-planned too because did you have the –

sword with you? No, I did not have a sword, but I knew where I could get one. And so I went and I got a sword. How far away was the sword? The sword? Well, interesting. I saw the movie about roughly 10 or 12 blocks away from a shop like where they sell novelty swords. Like a Dungeons and Dragons type? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Novelty swords. So not even a real functional sword.

Well, it did fine. It served its function quite well. It was after I had a break into that store, steal a sword. Oh, so we're just adding charges to this. Yeah. Well, I'm sure the statute of limitations on the B&E are done. I think this is actually pretty interesting. Whose head did you cut off? Can we talk about this? It was a Scottish guy that I knew that I just thought, you know, because of the Scottish thing in the movie and whatever. It's not that interesting. Yeah.

The point is I'm not a Highlander. Okay, great. But you still think you're going to live to be 160, 70 years old? I haven't done the math, but I feel like I could. Do people in your family tend to live long lives? No, this is the longest anyone in my family has ever lived. Really? 60 years of age. Really? Everyone's gone? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Nobody's ever made it to. Have you sired any children? 60. Oh, no, I don't think that I have.

You don't think so? I don't think that I have, no. I mean, you're out there having raw dog sex with people in the parking lot. That's true, that's true. I've had a lot of unprotected sex. A lot of girls that I've had it with have become pregnant and later had children. Hang on. But I don't think I've ever had any children. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. Those might be your kids. That song is catching on. That's not Shasha's hit song.

I think that you might have children out there. Those might be your kids, hot dog. I doubt it. Really? Do you know any of them as grown up? I mean, are they grown up now? Are they still young babies? How old are these kids that you're former flames? Yeah, I know a few of the kids that some of my old girlfriends gave birth to. Yeah.

Anyway, that's what... What are they like? What are they... Well, not one of them can water ski worth of shit. Oh, okay. So those aren't my... I see. I would pass that down genetically, the water skiing. Oh, okay. Have they tried though? No.

No. And you know what? Actually, though, I have to tell you, one of these kids that we're talking about right now is actually – he is a water skier, but he's a freshwater water skier. No fucking kid of mine would ever be a freshwater water skier. What is his name? His name is Oscar. Oscar. What's his last name? Can I ask you? All right. All right.

All right. Well, if I asked you this, if I could give you, if I could grant you a wish. Okay. Yeah. And it was one of these, one of these two things, not a genie Kazam. Would you rather be given the ability to issue a swift,

shameful victory to the surfer. I mean, a victory for the water skiers over the surfers that is unending and definitive. Oh, they could never top it. They could never top it. For eons and centuries to come, everyone would know a water skiing... And it would be known as Hot Dog's victory. Oh my God. Or being shot on out. Or being shot on out for one day.

And not even a performing day. Wait, no. Let him have. No, I want to see. I want to build it out from here. Just one day. There is no doubt in my mind that if I put an end to surfing forever, the guys in Sean and I would let me in the band. You know what I'm saying? Wow. So you want to do the surfing thing. Every single thing is in service of getting me into Sean and I. Absolutely. Wow. Absolutely. It is my one and only goal. Do the guys in Sean and I even like surfing? No.

I don't know, but that would be some achievement to be able to say that I put it in disturbing effect. Well, here's the thing, though. I will say this in a very controversial way. Oh, yeah. For you, Hot Dog, I don't think Sha Na Na would let someone into the band who was a murderer. Oh, but that wasn't murder. We just established that it was. But it was more along of just a test to see whether I was a Highlander. Sure. But we just talked about how it was murder, and you agreed. Premeditated. Well...

Let's just cut that part out. Oh, okay. That would be great. All right. I'll make a note of this. Well, speaking of murder, actually, this is the reason I came here. Oh, finally. This was the reason because several people sent me an article because people know about my interest in Shauna now. Okay. And this blew my mind and was very upsetting to me. There's this guy by the name of Edward Solly. You heard about this story? No, I haven't heard of this guy. Edward Solly? Edward Solly. How do you spell his name? S-O-L-L-Y.

Lolly. Solly Lolly. Got it. I have the word Solly. Yep. Now, here's the story. Like Solly, Solly, Solly, get your adverbs here. Thanks, Jay. Like that. Schoolhouse Rock, everybody. Right about the time of the Highlander incident. Okay, so the 80s.

Yeah, something in there. I wanted to get out of town, just I wanted to see a different part of the country. Oh, sure. Right around that time? Right around that time. Yeah. And I heard, just through the grapevine, through the Shauna Not Grapevine, that Vinnie Taylor... No, did you hear it through the grapevine or did you... Heard it through the grapevine. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-

No, I heard it for the grapevine. Okay, good. The thing was that Vinnie Taylor, all right? Vinnie Taylor, right? You say that like we should know who that is. You got to know who Vinnie Taylor... He played guitar for Sean and I from 71 to 74. Wait, I thought Sean and I was an acapella band. No, well, I mean, the main guys that you know of is the guys from Sean and I are really singers and dancers primarily, but there's a backing band. There's a backing.

Vinnie Taylor. Those guys are full-fledged members of Sha Na Na. It's like Sha Na Na is the news. Oh. Sure. And you've never tried to get into Sha Na Na as a musician? No. I've tried to learn how to play almost every instrument under the sun, and it cannot be done. Really? Is it your fingers that are so calloused from taking apart those motorcycles? Yeah, I got motorcycle-taking-apart fingers. I don't have musician's fingers. That's just how it is. Yep. Know your fingers, know thyself. Yeah. And I don't understand music as well. Oh. So...

Well, that's going to be tough for you as a singer as well. No, I don't agree. But anyway, so I found out that Vinnie Taylor, who died in 1974... Okay, is that why he left the group? That's why they wouldn't have him in the group anymore after he had died. Oh, wow. Which is, you know, right there in the bylaws. That's tough, yeah. If one dies, one can no longer be a member of Sound Night Out. That's one of the first rules. So...

But I heard that he did not die, that he had faked his own death and was living in Orlando, Florida and was down there performing. And as Danny C, he was going by and I was like, I'm going to go down there and he is going to tutor me to teach me how to be a member of Shia LaBeouf. Holy cow. Isn't that interesting? And I was under his tutelage right up until 2001. So we're talking like 25 years. No, it was like 16, 17 years that I was under the tutelage.

Of Danny C. And then I never knew what happened to him. He just kind of took off one day and whatever. And I turned up for the lesson. He wasn't there. Okay. Okay. So I didn't know what happened to him. I figured whatever. He moved on with his life. I'll move on with mine. I haven't thought about him in years. Okay. Turns out now you could Google this. You could Google Edward Solly. Okay. S-O-L-L-Y. He wasn't Vinnie Taylor. This guy's name was Edward Solly and he was a murderer.

who had escaped from jail and was living fraudulently as a former member of Sha Na Na. He taught me everything I know about being a member of Sha Na Na. He taught me how to sing. He taught me how to audition for Sha Na Na. Every single time I go into a Sha Na Na audition, all I'm doing is stuff that Solly taught me. I am 100% a Solly-trained

Sha Na Na guy. Oh, no. So this is bad news. It's very upsetting news. But at the same time- Maybe this is something- There's a part of me that says, does this wipe clean the slate of all of those auditions and allow me to come back and audition 50 more times? This time, Unsolid. Unsolid. Wow. Can I ask you a question? Did Soli teach you anything else other than the Soli method?

Oh, God. I mean, over the years, I mean, I was, yeah, I was like his apprentice in all things. In all things. What was he arrested for? I believe arrested for child murder. Well, yeah, he did murder a child. Okay. You know, look, I mean, we've all got things in our past. Sure. Can I ask you this? Uh-huh. Did you see the movie Highlander with anybody? No.

Is he with anybody? Yeah. There was a group of us, yeah. Cool. Who was in this group? Can we just run down some names here? I don't know if Solly was there or not. I don't know if I met him after or before. I just am wondering if you also took after him in murder the way that you took after him in singing. Yeah. We've talked about this one guy you've murdered. Is that the only person you've ever...

Oh, I see what you're saying. During the time that I was with Solly because he was a murderer, did I then sort of take over him? We're just trying to get a fuller picture of what the Solly method is. Were you a roving, rampaging bandit? No, no, no. At that time, I would only have killed somebody if Solly told me to or whatever.

Or if it was somebody that he wanted. You know what I'm saying? Under his direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By his command. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How many times would that ever happen? Oh, I don't know. I mean, in 16 years? Sure. Talk about different people who kind of like he had a beef with or whatever. Yeah. Who knows? 40, 50 people? Wow. 40, 50 people. My gosh. Oh, my goodness. Hot dog. Hot dog.

Hot dog? No. I feel like you buried the lead on all of this. I mean. You're saving this till the end of the show. We don't have time for any follow up on this. Nope, we don't. But that is a really juicy reveal. Yeah. I don't agree. Juicy? He's got beef with him? Oh, you're making me hungry, hot dog. For hot dogs. Yeah, wow. Oh, yeah. Well, we'll have to follow up on this another time. And we have to bring it to a close. There's nothing to follow up on. Really? Yeah.

Names, locations of the bones? Oh, no. None of that is all that interesting. We were out there on the water.

You were on the water? Uh-huh. So just toss them off the side? Sure. Okay. What water? Were you in international waters? I believe so. Okay, okay. Was anyone else out there with you? A few other people. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, who else we got? Let's run down some names of them. Well, no, no, no. It's all right. It's all right. Yeah. We're getting perilously close to revealing my name before it was hot dog, and I don't want to do that. Okay. All right, all right. Number one, two. Oh, what a revelation. What a revelation. He's not a Highlander.

Trained by the real convicted murderer, Edward Sully. Now, Jason and Andy, I think, have known each other for a long time from probably back in New York. Yeah, from back in New York. Yeah, I would say so. They're both UCB New York people. And Jason is a mischievous character. He's a devil. He's a little devil. He's a little devil. He's a little stinker. But I think he takes a particular delight in –

Putting obstacles in Andy's path. Trying to paint Andy Daly into a corner, yeah. Yes, that's true. Because Andy is one of those people who can get out of those corners expertly. Yes. Have you ever, like, trapped an animal in a corner? I love it. And it's so fun because they can usually get out. But you know those times where the animal is trapped and knows it's going to die? Yeah. That's not as fun. No, it's not fun because you see the look on their face where they just say –

I have to accept my fate. Yeah. Mama, I'm coming home. I'm no longer in control of my stupid instincts. I submit. I submit. Do what thou wilt, sir. You know how, and then of course you kill the animal. I crush its skull. Yes, of course. These are flies we're talking about, by the way.

Flies and raccoons, but I'll do it with a handle of a tennis racket. Sure, sure. Either one, flies and raccoons. Good for both. All the same to me. That's the Spalding promise. Good for both.

Great episodes. Great episode. And we have to wrap it up here for this particular episode of The Best Ofs. It's sad. It is sad. Every ending is sad. What's not sad is the fact that we have another episode coming out this Thursday. So just wait a few mere days and we will be back to countdown episode 11, 10, 9, and 8 in the countdown. And that's even more exciting because they get better and better. Mm.

Oh, I guess they do, right? They do. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. That doesn't make it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I get this now. I don't think I got it until until just right now. This is the eighth year that you've been doing this. Nobody's more embarrassed than I am. I'm embarrassed for you. I thought, why are we listening to these out of order?

They're in a very specific numerical order. Scott, I get that now. Okay. Jesus. I admit I'm wrong. What more do you want from me? I want you to apologize. I am sorry to you. Thank you. That's all I wanted. The listener. You didn't let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish.

I'm going to let you finish. So many let me finish memes in the world. There's the Ross Perot. There's the Kanye. The Ross Perot. Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish.

All right. We're going to wrap it up here. We'll see you on Thursday, and there may be a special surprise on Thursday's episode. Don't want to say what it is, but we will— Cupcakes? Nope. I did bring some brownies. We pigged out on them right before this. We did have a pig out session. Yep. All right. Let's wrap it up there for now, but we'll see you on Thursday. All right. Thanks. Bye. Yeah.

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