Best of 2016 Pt. 4
02:25:42 Share

This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace, our old friends, and Spring. Man, it truly has sprung. No one can argue that. And what do we know about Spring? Spring is a time of fresh starts. That's right. You thought January was good for starting fresh? Spring's gotcha beat. Spring's gotcha beat.

springs about rebirth, and that could mean starting a new venture or switching things up on your website. Well, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. With the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint, you can select from curated layout and styling options to create a personalized website optimized for every device, integrated, optimized, optimizeded, optimizeded.

SEO tools. Allow your site to show up more often and grow the way you want. Plus, make checkout easy for customers with easy-to-use payment tools, except credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in certain countries, give customers the chance to buy now and pay later with

Afterpay and ClearPay. Selling content on your website? Well, add a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell downloadable files. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch. And I know you're going to be. Go to squarespace.com slash bangbang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Thursday Boots. Handcrafted with the durability of a work boot and the sophistication of a fashion boot, Thursday Boots will quickly become your go-to boot for work, a night on the town, and climbing the mountain of success over the bodies of your former friends.

With prices starting at $149, including free shipping and returns, Thursday Boots are a purchase you can't afford not to make. Head on over to ThursdayBoots.com slash bangbang to see a selection of our favorites. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't tell me to get my shit together. What do you take me for, a dung beetle? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Who was that? That was Elvis Cholesterol Stello. What?

Elvis Cholesterol Stello. I may have just wanted to say Elvis Cholesterol Stello. I don't know that I like the catchphrase. How does it feel now that you've said it? Not good. I kind of lost my way in the middle of it. But hey, I brought it all back at the end. You sure did. I sure did, yes. Welcome to the show, Comedy Bang Bang 4. This is our fourth of four episodes.

of episodes, a yearly tradition that I would not do without and could not do without. No, I would not do without. Would not? Could not? If we didn't do these episodes, I would not do these episodes.

I feel much the same. Scott Aukerman here, and we're coming up on New Year's Eve in a few days, so that's exciting. Maybe this year will be different. Different than what? Maybe it'll be different than last year was, this past year. Maybe. Probably be worse. Probably.

Who knows? Look, there's a lot of joy to be had in life, and we hope that we're a part of that. If you enjoy the show, it's right there in the title. Enjoy? Joy. Wait, what? Joy is right there in enjoy. Oh, you consider words titles? Yeah, exactly. When they had to come up with a title for that feeling, it's a title. Yeah, it's a word. That's the title. This is sound logic. You know what I'm saying.

I do know what you're saying. Language is all about communication. So if you know what I'm saying, then I've done my job. Now, Laurie Anderson famously talks saying that language is a virus from outer space. Yes, the same. Okay. She said language is a virus from outer space. Do you think that's true? A virus from outer space. You know, it is, I do have to say, it's a little weird that there's so many different languages.

Right? You know what I mean? It's impractical. It really is because you go to these different countries and it's so easy to get to countries now. You just like hop on a little puddle jumper. You hop on your private plane. You go right over there. Right. And then you get off the plane and suddenly everyone's speaking a different language. It's like, whoa, whoa, slow your roll. Stay in your lane. But if you could only speak one language...

Which one would it be? Because I'm not convinced it's English. English is not the most pleasant sounding language. This is the thing. I think we need to vote on what the prettiest language is. Some would say the romance languages are pretty, but at the same time, do they have enough in them? And this is really a question for linguists and cunning linguists. I think I get what you're doing. Yeah. But are

the romance languages like Italian and Spanish, are there enough words in them to be poetic? Because English has...

So many words. So many words. We took words from other languages. Oh, yeah. And we just adapt them. So there's so many different ways to say things. Now, I would say the people who speak English don't use a lot of them, including myself. And I don't even know how to pronounce half of them. No, you're terrible. Yes. And I think that you have a learning disability. Maybe. Maybe.

I'm definitely not learning anything new. I say we go back to basics and we do Greek or Latin. Greek or Latin, you think so? Everybody speaks, yes. But what about Chinese? Too hard. It's hard, but is it not rewarding? And it's not fair. Just because the majority of people are Chinese right now –

Then we're supposed to all do that one? But look, look, look. I'm not saying that we all have to learn it. I'm saying that we – this is an alternate universe where just click, everyone speaks it. What is the most pleasurable to speak? Is it Chinese? I don't know that – I don't know what's the most pleasurable to speak. It's not the most pleasurable to listen to. I don't know. But maybe they love it. When you understand it, maybe it's like, oh my god, how beautiful that sounds. They would say the Romance languages would be because they're so –

Buongiorno. You know, they're just so wonderful to listen to. Italian, I think, is an easy language to speak and also sounds very nice. It sounds very... It's a fine line. Porky Pig. Porky Pig. I'm Italian, folks. Love it. That's what it was before World War II. Oh, and then Omega Giants. Yeah, we hate them now. Yeah.

Boy, how things change. The more things change, the more things stay the same. Am I right? What does that mean? I hate Italians. You like Italian food, though. Oh, love it. Oh, my favorite type of food. If it weren't Italians making it. But you have American people make your Italian food. Yes, of course. The most authentic Italian food.

Paul, New Year's Eve coming up and 2017 right around the corner. You just wrapped bajillion dollar properties. We sure did. We had a great time. And new seasons of that coming out next year. That's exciting, right? That's right. We had a ball. We had great guest stars. Our core cast is fantastic. I got to do...

More stuff on location this time than I did the last two seasons. The last few seasons you were in the office primarily. Yes, yes, yes. Mainly due to scheduling or something? It was kind of a scheduling thing. Limited amount of time. And also the storylines too just kind of made sense. And then I got to go out in the world with everybody, which was a lot of fun. So you got to drive to Malibu. Got to drive to Malibu for a really long time. Yep. So was it worth it? Well, that's where it's rated as sad.

It was worth it. I'll say that. Okay. I believe you. It was a blast. Oh, I can't wait to see them. I know I'm- Have you seen any of it yet? I haven't seen it. Next week, I will see my first couple of episodes. So I'm very excited by it. Yes. Were you going to direct at one point? I was. And then my top secret project, which I believe has been announced already at this point, not of the time of the recording, but at the time of the release, I believe my top secret project that I co-directed

Then took up all my time, so I could not direct. This was Mike Pants Between Two Ferns. Mike Pants. I think it's Pants every time I hear it. Like, he's so ridiculous. What if his name was just Mike Pants? And we were supposed to call him... He's a guy who had a name of Pants.

Mike Pants. He's like, hi, I'm Mike Pants. And we were just like, okay, let's make you vice president. I think that life is sacred. My name is Mike Pants. That's your in into impersonating him? I think if you get, if a woman gets punched in the stomach, she ought to have a funeral for a baby she might have had.

Oh, boy. Getting political. I know. You know what, though? Who cares? We never talk about this stuff. We never talk about it. But it was very hard not to think about it all the time this year. Yeah. Well, you know, so poor us. Snowflake. Boo-hoo. I'm in my safe space with my trigger warnings.

Look, what we're doing is we're counting down on this episode the top three Comedy Bang Bang episodes of the year. Top three, like you, me, Pepe the Frog. My personal top three. Oh, jeez. We also have our top one live episode of the year. So this is the big stuff. This is the good stuff. I hope you are, Paul. I hope you are.

now you all voted on your favorite episodes of the year and these are the big ones these are the this is the good stuff this is what you wanted to hear so what are you you're you're waggling your eyebrows up and down yeah a speed which I have not big ones what are you trying to say to me right now am I doing a sex thing

Yes, you're talking about penis size. Am I? Yeah. I don't know what penis size is. You're talking about multiple big penises right now. I don't know what things are. You don't know what penises are? Any things. Can you look down? I think you have one. Look at all this money I dropped. And that cat. Callbacks. Guys, what do you say? Do you want to get to it? What do you say, guys? Let's kill him in a second.

Votes are in. Someone said Satan is king. What? Did you hear that? I did not hear that. Someone said Satan is king. You didn't hear very clearly in your headphones someone saying Satan is king. I think that is just something that you're maybe hearing that doesn't exist. I can't imagine that's true. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Are you a paranoid schizophrenic?

I mean, define paranoid schizophrenic. Oh, okay, sure. A person who has something wrong in their brain where they see and hear things that are not existing in the real world. Okay, by that definition, I guess so. Yeah, that's very specific, so yes, you are one. Okay, so, okay, now. You're hearing things. You are hearing Satan's voice commanding you. What is, I know we got to get to the countdown, but what is real? Well, not sure that you are.

Oh, I might be a paranoid schizophrenic. Because I might be a paranoid schizophrenic. Are you fucking kidding me that I'm imaginary and I'm a paranoid schizophrenic? Yeah. This is bullshit. That's what I've imagined. Stop imagining that. It's a Westworld situation where I need you to have flaws in order to make you more real. When do I get to wear pants? I'm sorry. In front of this dress. I'm sorry, but never. This is very practical. I love you in the dress. I love me in pants. Let's just compromise at short shorts. What do you say?

How short are the shorts? Like up to my waist? Yeah, no, yeah. They're like hat style. Call back to John Lennon. Call back to another thing. All right. Let's get to it. This is, let's do the top three. This is your number three. I like Westworld, by the way. Number three. All right. This is number three.

And, Paul, we've been talking about how early some of these episodes are from. Scott, I've noticed it's a recurring theme in this countdown this year. This is from December 14th of last year. Is this the earliest one? No, December 7th was the earliest one. Never forget. Yes, never forget. But this is one week after that one. This is episode 391, Holiday Spectacular 2015. These shows are always nuts. Yeah.

We just had one last two weeks ago. That's right. That was even more nuts than normal because almost everyone that I asked to do it said yes. That's right. I think maybe one person didn't show up, right? Yeah. Normally what happens on the holiday ones and the anniversaries is I'll put out a big email to a lot of people who are our favorite guests of the year. Calling all cars. And I say, hey, who can show up? And normally one third of the people can show up.

On the one this year, not the one that we're going to hear the clip from, but the one this year, everyone said they could and one person did not. So we had 15 guests. It was crazy. It was pretty crazy. Anyway, so, but there's some of my favorite episodes of the year. They're just anything goes. And this one is no exception. This has you, Paul. Hi. Lauren Lapkus. Sure. John Gabrus. Mike Hanford. Neil Campbell. And Will Hines. I mean, that to me.

Sounds good. Well, it sounds good to me. That sounds good to me. Good to me. Now, you know, obviously – let's address this. Obviously – Let's get it out of the way. A lot of dudes, one woman. I had no idea what you were going to say. But –

But that's what happens on these large episodes is I put it out to a large group of people and it's whoever can show up at that specific time. So, look, the invites are going out. That's all I can say. I think that's a good thing to point out about booking. If you don't know how these things work, no one gets paid for doing podcasts. And it's not like we're sitting there and everyone comes up to us and says, we're always available. Put us in your show. No.

Right. And we can pick from anyone in the world. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard because a lot of times I go through the same thing where I certainly have an idea of who I would like to get for the show for any given episode. But you don't always get the person that you – that is your first choice for that particular – like because –

I think that your show and my show work in similar ways where you make these configurations of people. You're trying to get a good group that will work together. Yes, exactly. And so you have in your mind, oh, I'd love to get these people together at the same time. But it's very hard to coordinate everybody's schedules. And also you're dealing with people that are good people who are in demand. And it's hard to get people sometimes. The fact that anyone makes time for the show is –

Very touching to me. So I appreciate anyone who can show up. So in any case, this is a great episode. One of my favorites. I remember we did it and we were all like, hey, that was really, really good. And this is the first time that John Gabrus got to play Intern Gino on one of these big episodes. Oh, really? He cracked the top three. This is – I don't believe he was represented on the countdown at all last year.

I can't remember that, yeah. We did a tribute to him and did a little best of of some of his clips, and now he's been in the San Diego show and also – San Diego show. And also this show and more power to him or white power to him. Are we switching that yet? I don't think it's official yet. I think it's like late in January. Yeah.

But okay, so who do we got? We got Intern Gino, and then we have Mike Hanford's playing John Lennon and a lot of strange stuff. And then we have Lauren Lapkus is playing Ho-Ho the Elf. And I'm sorry that Lauren could not come back and play Ho-Ho at the end of the year this year, but she is in England for the next few months, which is unfortunate. I'd love to hear from Ho-Ho, but we didn't this year. When we were recording the holiday episode –

I did look at my phone to see what time it was. To see if we could call in. Yeah, I almost. It was a little, yeah. It was like 10 of 9 and I thought, well, she's probably. 10 of 9. I don't know what that is. And I thought she's probably not. Yeah, not doing something. Doesn't want to do a podcast. Yeah.

Also, we have Santa, of course. Sure. Paul F. Tompkins playing Santa. We have Neil Campbell as the Timekeeper. And, oh, maybe you don't play Santa. I don't know, because you're also playing Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh, yeah. Maybe you went back and forth. I don't know. We'll hear it. I probably did. Yeah. Okay. So, anyway, let's hear a big compendium of clips from this is an extra long episode. We're going to hear a lot of different clips from it. This is your number three. Number three.

I'm a real sweet guy. You're a sweetheart. I got my mom the dopest Christmas present. What did you get her for Christmas? A $500 gift card to Starbucks. Does she go to Starbucks a lot? No, but I think she should start having coffee. She's always tired. Oh, really? Why? She stays up late or she gets up too early or both? She gets up, yeah, both. She's burning the candle at all the ends. All the ends, really? Even the third end, if you know what I mean. I do not know what you mean. She's getting reamed up. Okay, I really wish you would not. Okay.

But what does she do for a living? I don't know that we've ever spoken about her. Yeah, I tried to leave my mom out of this because she said – Yeah, we talked about your uncle and – Yeah, my uncle, my stepdad, my uncles who shoot each other with Roman candles, all that shit. My stepdad who's my dad's best – my dad's brother who's actually technically like a step – it's complicated. Yeah, I mean, yeah. It's an Alec Baldwin, Julia – no, what was her name? Meryl Streep situation? Yeah.

It's complicated. Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin. Steve Martin, yeah. I think that's a Steve Martin star. Wait, what's? No, he's not in It's Complicated, is he? Yeah, he is. She owns the bakery. No, he's the dude who has a house. He's got the gray hair. Yeah, he's got the gray hair. That's the guy, yeah. Okay, perfect. He's the one next to Merrill's big knockers. I was just about to do that. I'm not going to talk after this, so I've got to get it in now.

What else is... Are you asking about my mom? I'm asking about your mom.

She's a police chief. She's a police chief where? In Long Island? Nassau County Police. Really? Yeah, she's the head of Special Victims Unit. Wait, she's the police chief and the head of the special... So no wonder she's burning the candle at both ends. She can't leave the job behind because the police chief job is all paperwork and shit. Sure, yeah. But then she likes to get in there and scrape the vaginas. Oh yeah, she's not supposed to do that. But she goes, she dabbles in forensics. Ha ha ha!

She goes down there with the dead bodies and just fucks around with them and shit. She always periscopes me some video. Really? That's tampering with a crime scene. I don't know. She says it's a way to get a feel for the crime. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Like when a Native American smells animal shit in a movie to determine which way the animal went. Wait, I'm thinking of Dances with Wolves. Who did Kevin Costner play in that? Who did he play in that? Yeah. I don't know. Was it White Fang?

I thought you were going to say Mary, next to Mary McDonald. What's her name? I've never seen Dance of the Wolves. Oh, okay. But I will watch it if it helps me get more credits on my internship. Yeah, you really, like you haven't even earned one credit so far. Yeah, yeah. You are here so seldom. Well, hey, I fucking should not have interned for a radio station. Why? In California? That's all the way. It's not a radio station. Yes, it's a radio station. It's technically a DVR'd radio. That's a great way of putting a podcast. Yeah, you DVR it. You listen to it whenever you want. You fast forward through it.

Yeah, you hit the 15-second forward button whenever someone starts railing on about mattresses or bonobos or anything. Or dances with wolves. Or if you just hear me start talking, you're like, all right, I know he only talks in the beginning of the episode, so we'll just skip through and he'll stop eventually. Listen back to your appearances if you think you only talk at the beginning. And you should not be talking at the beginning. Okay, copy that. Got that. All right, from here on out, podcast silence. Okay, which means you're going to talk the entire time.

If you keep looking at me and speaking, I feel the need to respond. Okay, I need to look elsewhere? It would help. I'm looking at the ceiling right now. Yeah, but I'm standing. From my angle, it looks like you're looking. Okay, I'm going to look down at the floor then. Oh, there you are too. Sorry, there's your toes. I'm quick, brother. Do you have any holiday plans other than that, other than singing carols?

You know, I was going to go down to the Rockefeller tree and try to take some ornaments off of it. Off of it? Not put some on? No, because I like them so much, and my tree at home is so small it can only fit a few. Most of your holiday plans involve trying to do something. Have a little confidence in yourself. You've come back to life. A lot of the things I do are illegal or harmful to people, so I tried. Like the jump over the Grand Canyon, I tried it, and I got stopped.

What about, like, take an ornament, leave an ornament, you know? Tolo? Yeah, Tolo. Take one, leave one. All right, maybe I'll try that. Maybe when I get home, I'll craft up some. Take one ornament, leave one ornament. Tulu. I don't know what you're saying. Tulu? T-O-O-L-O-U. Oh, okay. I thought it was T-U-L-U. No, that's Hulu. Oh, okay. Where you can watch difficult people.

I rack up a lot of miles flying back and forth for this internship, so I watch a lot of television. Oh, I understand. Does anyone give you presents, or do you give presents? Well, Ringo and I usually exchange. Do you? Yep. What's the best present that you've received from him? I try to exchange with Ringo. That I received from him last year, he got me Yankees Costas.

For my coffee table at home. Sure, yeah, I know. I'm a Yankee fan. Hey, well, that's great for you. Unless you meant just coasters of American people from a British perspective. No, no, no. New York Yankees. You know, the N and the Y. Yeah. And some pinstripes behind it. Love it. It's great. It keeps my coffee cups. Are you a fan of the Yankees? Yeah, I'm a fan.

Not really. I go to some games sometimes. I know A-Rod. I'd like to see him. You have a lot of drinks, though, that are on that coffee table that you want to protect? When I go to the fridge to get a drink, I take two or three bottles of soda, beer, or something. You mentioned you know A-Rod. How do you know A-Rod? I meant to say I know of him. He's like the only Yankee I know. I've never met him. So you know of A-Rod. You go to see him. That's a lot like anyone going to see a baseball game. They know of the players, and they go to see them.

I meant more like, you know, I don't know everyone on the lineup. I know the big dogs. I personally know Don Mattingly. Do you? Where did you meet him? I met him at McKeebs. Oh, okay. It's a bar on Hempstead Turnpike over by Hofstra. Yeah. There's a certain amount of people out there who are listening to this right now just screaming at their radios like, yeah, he said it. I know where that is. I know McKeebs. I get that reference. Oh, my God. Pull their car off the fucking road. Yeah.

I've never seen someone scream and a hat fly up in the air, flip around and land back on it. Yeah, that was pretty impressive. It was impressive. I don't know how that happened. And you're wearing a top hat. I meant to mention that. It's like an Ebenezer Scrooge kind of top hat. You said it was a holiday episode. Yeah. You said I'm going to be meeting some big celebs. Yep. I was hoping it was one of the Baja men. But for now, I dressed up. Yep. And only the hat, by the way. You're still wearing a... Yeah, I'm still wearing a rusty tank top and Quicksilver board shorts and flip-flops. Yeah.

I'm cash, man. When I come out to LA, I want to fucking beach it up. Sure. What do you wear in New York, though? Same thing. Same thing. Yeah, yeah. Except in the winter. Yeah, in the winter, I slap on a drug rug. What is a drug rug? You know, like those... I keep saying Baja on this show, which I feel weird about, but it's a Baja. It's like one of those tweed hoodie things. Tweed hoodie Baja? Tweed hoodie Baja? A THB. Sounds like a children's poem. Yeah.

Yeah, you sound like Dr. Seuss. Tweed hoodie Baja. Tweed hoodie Baja had a problem. His mommy. You know those, like, they look like Ranchero hoodies? Oh, my God. These words are just, like, I know the words individually. We called them drug rugs growing up because they were for, like, hippies and scumbags and hacky sacks. Okay. Other scumbags. Other scumbags. Different kinds of scumbags. Not the kind of traditional Long Island scumbag. The different kind of Long Island scumbag.

So what are you, you're topping yourself this year? Yeah, okay, so I already have like, you know, knives and guns, so I gotta get a little creative with my weapons. Sure, yeah. So, I'm giving out a lot of interesting things and hoping that kids get a little excited about how they can use them. Like, I put a melon baller in a kid's stocking last year, and I watched him the whole year to see when he would use it. You watched him all the time? Yeah. How old is the kid? Eight, and he just got into touching his dick. That's a little early. Should

It's a little late. Okay. You're born with it. I agree to disagree. Whatever. I'm ageless. It's not pedophilia. Right? Because you could be young. You could be eight if you're ageless. I'm a million, so I'm nothing. Yeah, okay. That's true. Again, that is very hard to follow. How many shits does he take a day? The boy? Yeah. I'm wondering what's normal. That was going to be my question. Okay.

You're wondering what's normal for an eight-year-old boy or for you? For anyone, for a human being. He takes two dookies a day, one in the morning and one at night. Really? So in the night he builds up a lot, I guess.

Does he eat when he sleeps? Yeah, maybe he does. What do you mean maybe he does? You're lying. You are a bad elf. You're lying. I am a liar, but I also was sleeping next to him sound and peaceful. So you're sleeping when he's sleeping? Yeah. And you're just assuming he's not doing anything? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So in that song when it says he sees you when he's sleeping, he doesn't. Does Santa sleep when all the kids are asleep? Santa's awake all night.

Oh, okay. I sleep with the babies. So does Santa see you sleeping? Terrifying phrase, Ho-Ho. Santa watches me sleep because he's a pervert. He loves it. Really? He likes to watch me dream and think it's about him. You've never dreamed about him? Yeah, I have. Yeah, I thought so. I've never when I ever met. Really? You've met everybody. Yeah.

Do you just cycle through them? Is it one dream with a lot of people in it? Yeah, it's like a concert every night. Wow, are you performing? Santa's playing. Everyone you've ever met is in a band. I thought you were playing. You say Santa's playing. You say you don't dream about Santa? He's playing in a concert. And what songs does he sing? Santa Claus is a baby. That's a song to him.

It's a dream. Oh, okay. Santa baby, get under my beard plaity, please. Wait a minute. He's going to crawl up and undo his own beard? A beard comes out of him. He doesn't have to get under it. He's talking to

Oh, it's not Santa comma baby. It's Santa baby. Oh, is there a Santa baby? Does he have children? Well, it's not his child. It's named after him. He's the godfather. Oh, okay. He can't produce sperm. He can't. Why not? Is it just snowflakes and frost? Yeah. But each one's unique. Santa jizzes snowflakes is what I'm hearing. Yeah. That's fucking hot. It's tight.

So, Maxwell, there's so many songs about time. You've only mentioned ones that have the word time. Are there any Christmas songs that have actual times, like 1246? Oh, well...

Upon a midnight clear, I suppose. Okay, you said that one, yeah. 12 days of Christmas. Oh, yeah, that's a time period. Yeah, 24 hours. Yes. Is Pink Floyd considered a Christmas-themed band? Because they've got a song called Time. I wouldn't think so. Do you like that song that goes like... Time, time.

What is that? I don't think I'm familiar. It's from the 70s. I'm not too much of a musicologist. I know which one you're talking about. Sing it. No, you did it already.

So it's a, but a lot of people talking about time and then you have New Year's Eve where it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, midnight. Yes. I love it. People are so concerned about time and everyone's talking about, oh, the year, the year that was. Yeah. And they used to go, what was the best movie of the year? The best song to

the year. Everyone's so thinking about time. I love it. They're wearing glasses that present a certain time, like 2016 glasses. I think people should count up to New Year's. So it's like 11.59 in 50 seconds. 11.59 in 51 seconds, etc. Let's move forward. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's like, let's stop looking at the past. Oh, I'm looking forward to next year. Really? 2016? A most excellent year. Yes, exactly.

Because there's extra time in it. Yes. It's one more than the previous. One more day. There's a leap day in 2016. More time. That's exciting. Oh, that's going to be a real, that's going to fuck me up big time. Yeah. Hey, I had a question. We just had Daylight Savings Time where we went back an hour. I loved it. You loved it even though we, oh, because it's an extra hour. Extra time, yes. And again, a whole weekend, whoever talks about time, music to my,

What about spring forward, though? You're losing an hour. Here's the deal on spring forward. Don't like losing the hour. Could do without that. But again, I appreciate the discussion about time. Okay, yeah. What about all the articles about do we need daylight savings time? At least they're talking about it. Right, right. All press is good press.

Tis! Okay. Well, happy holidays. I don't know if you're a Christian, if I should say Merry Christmas. I've never been to a church! Not even outside of one? Well, you don't need to be invited. I suppose outside. I didn't think they were outside of a church right now, Scott. Well, no. Have you ever stopped, even for a millisecond, and you would know in front of a church? Sure! To tie my very shoe! Ha ha ha!

Just one? Yes! Okay, good. Very, very few times in my life have both shoes become untied at the same time. You're one of the lucky ones, then. Yes, I suppose. Yes!

So you don't have a horse in this race about the war on Christmas or... No, I like Christmas. I like presents. Uh-huh. Present. That's a time. Yeah. Yes. It's very good. No time like it, as far as I know. Oh. Yeah. Is that true?

Yes, it is true. There's no time like the present. By the way, he's not some sort of expert or a god from on high. He's a guy. You're not an expert on time? I am an expert on time, and I think of myself as being a sort of distant watcher observing the passage of time throughout the universe. No, but you're just a guy who works in a watch shop. Yes, exactly.

And what's going on at the shop? Whose shop is it again? My brother-in-law, Desmond Longo. Right. How's Desmond? Desmond's great. I just gave him my Christmas list the other day. He's married to your sister. He's married to my sister. They promised to buy me one present this year. Oh, that's nice. They've not bought you any presents all year. They've promised in the past. Or has the amount changed? You said one present. No, no. It's always...

Equal to or lesser than one. Oh, okay. Equal to or less than. So it's one or zero. Yes. Or if we're getting into negative integers. They're going to steal your stuff. Yes. They're appetites. They've taken. What happened to you the time you got nothing? Did you cry like a little baby? Yes. And did you swoop in and give him something? No, because he's not naughty. He's a bitch. Oh, really? I am. I'm a bitch. You're a nice boy. That's true. Yeah.

I would love to... What if you were a little naughty, though? You know what I mean? What would you do if you could be bad for a day? If I were bad, I suppose I'd...

change someone's watch so it had the wrong time on it. Oh, no, then they might be late or early. Yes! Oh, I can't think of it! Oh, no, no! You wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. You're quivering! I felt like Scrooge learning his lesson. Again, another wonderful thing about Christmas, one of our most famous time travel stories. Ah, yes. A Christmas carol. Mm-hmm. What do you think of Bill and Ted? Bill and Ted's good. Yeah.

I go Christmas Carol. Yep. Of time travel movies. Time travel movies. There's only four. You can really tell. And I'm counting all the Back to the Future as one. And all the Bill and Ted's as one. Okay, great, great, great. It goes number one, A Christmas Carol. Sure. Number two, Terminator Genisys. Okay. And you're not counting those as one. The other movies are in groups. Yes. Okay.

But Terminator's not cool. Okay, great. No! Great. Number three. Tie between Back to the Future. Tie? Well, you're the one who said top four. You just said top five. No. Tie between Terminator, I mean, Back to the Future and Billion's Heads. Okay. It's a five-way tie for third.

What's fourth? T2. T2, okay. What do you make of movies where someone switches bodies or something and they kind of get old fast? Trash! That's just as a film critic. It has nothing to do with time. I appreciate true cinema. Yes, yes. What's your favorite movie? I guess we talked about time travel movies, but just... Safety Last. I think we've discussed this before. Oh, okay.

And your favorite magazine? Time! Great, great, great. Song?

Okay, great. What about Time After Time? Oh, yeah, Cyndi Lauper. Ooh, that's nice. That's got time so nice. That's twice. You've got to save time twice. A wonderful musical poem. And so what did you ask your long go for? The Blu-ray of Terminator Genisys. Okay, your number two favorite movie. It's the number one of the year. Okay, cool.

It's total bullshit that they showed that John Connor was a fucking Terminator in the trailer to that movie. Whoa, spoiler alert. I haven't seen the trailer yet. I didn't mean to spoil the trailer, John. You were only going to watch the trailer. Yeah, Christmas Eve, Ringo and I get together and watch old trailers we haven't seen yet this year. Well, that's one we won't have to watch out of the hundreds.

Now, I'm very excited because, do you know how, when I want something, I just go ahead and take it. Sure, you're so rich. I'm so- Wait, do you pay for it? I'm so rich. Well, I pay for anything. Of course, I'm a gentleman. Okay, so you just take it and then someone pays for it as you leave the room. I said I want that. Here's a trunk full of money. Go away. Is there anything in this room you want, by the way? I would love a trunk full of money. I would, well-

It's relative to what it is. Oh, okay. I don't pay for everything. If I'm going to get a pack of chewing gum, I don't say here's a trunk full of money. Really? You call from the trunk? Yes, I open up the trunk. Okay. I pick out the relevant coins. Okay. I thought you were just giving trunks out. Is it organized inside the trunk or is the money just everywhere? There's a little compartment. Okay, good. It's not like a pirate's booty. But now there's two trunks.

I keep two trunks of money in the boot of my car. One is itemized. Two trunks in the trunk. If you like. I do. Well, then, you shall have it, dear Gino. I can deny you nothing.

You can't deny his imagination. Gino wanted so many La Croix waters backstage. I love Pamplemousse, baby. Oh, my gosh. Can't get enough of that Pamplemousse. How did it turn out, by the way? The show turned out well? Wonderful. Well, you're a little over your head. Here's what they say. Barred.

Out of town previews. Is that what you were trying to do? You were trying to have the worst out of town preview? Yes. Oh, that's why you got hired. Yeah, I was in like a weird pseudo producers type situation. That's right. But my plan went down a treat because the musical has been...

Magnificent success. Oh, wow. Thanks to your incompetent direction, Gino. I told you I didn't know what I was doing, and you said, that's perfect. That's exactly right. Wow. But back to these two trunks. Yes. So one trunk, compartments organized by size, denomination, color, et cetera.

The second trunk, just like a sort of pirate affair where you open it up and there's gold coins spilling out of it. That's what I tried to use to buy that Downton Abbey house. Oh, right. And they wouldn't send it to me. And I've never forgotten it. It's like that nunnery that Katy Perry's trying to buy. Well, she succeeded. She succeeded? No, she didn't. She wants to own the nuns? I believe the city of Los Angeles stepped in and said, yes, she may have it. I don't believe so. I think it's still up in the air. Still up in the air! My favorite movie.

Still up in the air. The sequel. The sequel. Still flying. Colon still flying. So I said, uh,

Here's the thing I want. I want to compose the cantina music for the next Star Wars film. Okay. You remember. What's his name? What's the name of the fellow in the modal nodes? Bib Fortuna. Bib Sham. Yeah. Bib Fortuna. I think he's the one with the snake thing. He's the Twilight that works for him. I wasn't paying attention. Is it George Lucas? Sy Snowdon was a singer, of course. A great musician. A great musician.

It's the Bith Shuffle, right? They're Biths, those guys? I think his name is Dan. What's it called? Biths? Biths? The Bith Shuffle is the name of that song. It's very... I don't like the way that hits the air. Nope, I don't like saying it. The Bith Shuffle. It's Figrin Dan. Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes. Yeah, Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes. But I think Sean William Scott actually did the music for it. Sean William Stifler? Yes. Stifler's mom's kid? American Pie? Stifler's mom's son? Yeah.

With the big knockers? That was before you came in here. The knockers are giant. Whoa, mama. There was part of the show that happened before I got here? Yeah, there was part of the show. Yeah, I know.

So, but yes, Figrin Dan. Yes. But I have something to tell you, and you're not going to like this. Now, before you tell me anything, I know what you're going to say. Andrew Lloyd Webber, you can't compose music for a science fictional film? It's outside of your... That was what I was going to say, yes. Well, that's where you're wrong. Get a load of this.

You can dance your cares away every night to the catena. Right? Okay, but that's just like... Whoa, that was a good song! That wasn't bad. That's the previous song and you just added lyrics to it. That's just a sampling. And you're not a lyricist. That's my audition to let you know I get it. Okay, okay, okay. And I'm not a lyricist. How dare you? Well, you're not. Tim Rice is. I haven't worked with Tim Rice in years. Okay, well, who's your lyricist now? Who did School of Rock?

School of Rock was an existing property. Okay, but who did the lyrics? Someone else. Jack Black. Jack Black helped out. Jack Black could eat no spat. His wife could eat no lean. There's one song in School of Rock where someone just does weird scatting for a while. Shut up, Matt.

So, uh, but I do have something bad to tell you. Is it time to tell you something bad right now? Well, I don't have a set time in my calendar for you to tell me something bad, but I suppose... Oh my gosh, Max, are you alright? Max, where's the time? Calendar? Is this heaven above? Do you like going to Marie Callender's, the restaurant? Mmm, yes. It's spelled differently. True, but the pies look like clocks!

Especially when there's a slice taken out of it. It looks like the hands. Yes, yes, yes.

No. What is this? You say you have bad news for me. What is this? Okay, you want to write the new Cantina theme. I'm going to do it, yes. All right. Today, this show is Monday. The movie comes out Friday. It's a little late to get in there. This is for the next one. Oh! Scottrick, of course I know that The Force Awakens comes out. Okay. Never mind the fact that I was the one who said that title and talked about it. And knows everything about it. Yes.

This is for the next episode H, dear boy. Okay, but I just read a news story. Oh, did you? Yeah, a few days ago. Oh, I'm glad to see you still have your subscription to Highlights Magazine. We talked about highlights, too. I talked over a time bit. I do apologize. We talked about highlights before you got in here. Did you really? Timbertoes, did they come up? Goofus and Gallant. Yeah.

The two references from that. Goofus. Oh, I know. What a name. What a rogue name. What do you think about Goofus, Ho-Ho? Uh, Ho-Ho, uh, sounds like an elf that got a fucking job somewhere else. Wait, is that where Goofus and Gallant come from? They're two elves? And you're mad that he got a new job? Uh, yeah, because you're not supposed to leave the North Pole. You're supposed to have allegiance to Santa for your whole life, eternity. Is there an oath that you swear? Yeah. Yeah, could you recite it for us right now? The oath I swear? Yeah. Yeah.

It's fuck dick liquor, butt shit, fuck butt. Up your dong and suck it out your bunghole. Come out your mouth and stick it up your tongue. I believe that that is an oath because she had a hand over her heart. You asked me to swear an oath. Thank you for standing. I always respect the flag.

So, but I read a news story a couple of days ago. I'll refrain. Admirable restraint. They've written the new Cantina theme. What's this now? Yeah, the Hamilton musical. The person who wrote that, Lin-Manuel Miranda. What? From in the Heights? That's Yago Absarge?

He's written? He's, yeah, the newer kind of like new breed of musical composer. Have you seen this Hamilton? No, I have not. It takes, let me say, it takes quite a lot of liberties with the time period in which it is set. Much like you took liberties with cats and roller skates? Who's going to complain?

Are the cats going to say, I'll see you in court? We don't do that? I think that's an interesting thought that the cats are really upset about it. You could probably say the same thing about Alexander Hamilton. He's not going to speak up. But they're human beings and this is your American history. You all should be very upset.

I'm not really that upset. Well, you should be is what I'm saying. Okay. Well, I'm not. Can you imagine Alexander Hamilton saying, Thomas Jefferson, let's battle. What's your take on Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter? That's actually very sexy. It's very exciting. You took liberties with Jesus Christ Superstar unless you think he doesn't exist. He's a made-up person. Pah, pah, pah, pah.

That was very long ago, and the story of Jesus belongs to us all. Smoke started coming out of your mouth. Yeah. And John Lennon over here took— I was vaping earlier. Okay. I love to vape! You held it in that whole time? Yes. It's my secret shame. I thought I could get it out before the elevator doors opened. John Lennon over here took a lot of liberties with that Sgt. Pepper thing. That was only 20 years ago. Oh, are you saying the actual Sgt. Pepper? Yeah. Didn't he fight in General So's army?

From the Chinese chicken? From the chicken? Chicken to China, the Chinese chicken. Have a drumstick. Have a drumstick. Watch it expel some noise.

Nice.

We got the nice Hollywood facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. There's Hollywood facts and all you stars. Let's say a glamour and lots of cars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of Chinese theater. Hollywood facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts, bro. Oh, we got to add that. Number three.

So good. No, I thought I wasn't looking and I thought maybe that that was another video that Cody was playing. So good. Let's, we should play a game of, we should turn around and we'll say, is it the other person or is it a Cody video? All right, Cody, do you have a video lined up? Oh,

Okay, I'm going to turn around. A video that could conceivably be one of us just in this room. Right. Okay. All right, I'm going to turn around, and you guys decide amongst yourselves. I'm going to take the microphone, but I'm turned around. You guys decide amongst yourselves whether it's going to be you, Paul, or a video. So it's our first, is it Paul, or is it a Cody video? Breeding lilacs out of the dead land.

Mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain. Okay, turn around. Okay, turning around. Now, let me think. Now, you normally have a crackly, kind of a lot of room tone, crackly, poorly recorded room tone when you speak. I have a lot of butterscotch wrappers in my pockets. Right. That's got to be you, Paul. It was a video. It was a video? No!

What was that video, Cody? That was T.S. Eliot reading The Wasteland. Oh, interesting. Hey, getting a little education. He crushed it, by the way. Fucking T.S. You crushed that, bro. Yo, did you see T.S. Eliot read The Wasteland? He fucking crushed it. T.S., you're my boy, man. You fucking crushed that. Just call me Tss. You don't like it? Why does that bother me? Well, because people call you Pfft. That's true. Some people do. And that bothers you, I believe.

No, it's like, the only thing that bothers me about it is that people think that they invented it. Right. And they say it like, hey, it's something I just thought of. No one's ever said this before. To be fair. Everyone's said it before. To be fair. To be fair. TBF. They did invent it. They just don't know other people have invented it. It's sort of like, you know. They're not joke thieves. They're not joke thieves. They're not the fat Jew. By the way, fat Jew, what's next? By the way, fat Jew, what's next? What?

Feddu, what's next? By the way, Feddu, what's next? That is a great hook. It's just waiting for a bunch of song to be written around. Someone please take it. Do what you will with it. By the way, Feddu, what's next?

It's good. It's good. So good. So right. Hey, we got to take a break. We just heard our number three. So let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to have, we're probably going to count down, right? I bet we will. No, we won't. We'll be right back. He set me up. In America these days, God bless it. Every man, woman, and comedy podcast host needs a good pair of boots. That's right. Boots. Boots.

People say boots. They should say butts. Butts. Sounds too close to butts. Never mind. I rescind that. You know what? You need a good pair of boots because boots are great for fashion and they're good for getting around in weird weather. And a current favorite brand of mine is, of course, Thursday Boot Company.

Not just for Thursdays, should be their slogan. It's not. Kind of weird. On a Thursday, you work hard, but it's also the unofficial start of the weekend, right? Thursday boots are made with that versatility in mind. They're durable enough to take a serious beating, but they're not.

I hope that you're not getting beat up out there a lot, but if you are, put on your Thursday boots right before the bullies get to you. But the thing about these boots is they are sophisticated enough to clean up to host a fancy podcast or go out on a date. Pretty much interchangeable things right there, hosting a podcast or going on a date.

Thursday boots are built for the comedy podcast hosts who understand quality and want a good-looking pair of boots that will last a few seasons. And with premium features such as, here we go, the best tier one grade A USA leather, boom. Goodyear welt construction, boom, boom. Glove leather lining, boom, boom, boom. Cork bed midsoles that mold to your feet over time, boom, boom, boom, boom. And studded rubber outsoles, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

You can't go wrong with Thursday Boots. That's five booms after the last thing. Handcrafted with the highest quality and sold at honest prices starting at $149, including free shipping and returns, Thursday Boots are the best buy this season. To see a selection of my favorites, head on over to ThursdayBoots.com slash bang bang and imagine all those wonderful boots on my feet.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here and Paul F. Tompkins. And yeah, that's right. You thought we were going to count down and air another clip that's part of our countdown, right? I did. I totally did. You know what, though? You led me to believe that we were going to do that. I kind of did. I led you down that primrose path. Instead, we're going to do a little something that I like to call, and we haven't done one yet on the countdown, a little something called a bonus clip.

That's right. We are going to play a little bonus clip. Now, in the past, we've played bonus clips because there have been little chunks of episodes that, whereas maybe the episode as a whole was not countdown worthy, but there was something that happened in the episode. It was like one good moment. Yeah. Or we've played bonus clips to save a life. Sure.

And this is one of those. This did not end up making the countdown, this particular episode. But when we released the episodes for the countdown, this particular clip is something that a lot of people were talking about voting for. And this is from an episode from April 28th. This is episode 418 called Paul Reiser and the Apple Tree. Yeah.

So, Brendan Small, great comedian. He created home movies and Metalocalypse and a virtuoso on not only the guitar, but also his voice. He can do a lot of characters. He does Victor and Tiny. Now it can be told. And also Willie. These three characters.

And he plays all three characters at the same time. Not at the same time. He goes back and forth from them at the same time in the same recording. And anytime I ask him to do the show and I ask him, you know, once every month, once every two months, something like that, you never know what you're going to get with him.

Sometimes he'll show up and... He'll be a total asshole? He'll be like four hours late, drunk? No, always a professional, always super nice. But what I mean to say is sometimes he'll come and he'll just kind of riff in the character voices. And every once in a while, he'll bring something that he has made at home and has just been waiting to debut.

And this time he did that. A previous time he had edited together a podcast that they had recorded. Oh my God. Some big laughs. And this is another big laugh one. This is, he is debuting a song that Victor is singing. And so we're going to play this clip. It's really funny, a really funny clip. This is a,

an episode that you are not going to forget. This is Brendan Small from Paul Reiser and the Apple Tree. Bonus! Well, let me set this up. If you don't mind, this is a song...

that Victor wrote. He kept on humming this tune when we sitting under this apple tree. Okay. And I said, Victor, you gotta, but you gotta record this song. And what did you say, Victor? I said, well, it would be hard to do, but we could do this, but I cannot do this alone.

You can't do it alone. Yeah, he said he can't do it alone, so we all pitched in. Pitched in singing? Well, just helping arrange the whole song. Okay, so why would you think you can't do it alone? I mean, you're supposedly a singer. But I don't know nothing about this studio lifestyle. How about birth and babies? Do you know anything about that? Boy...

Birth and babies is also a very difficult thing. Very difficult thing, yeah. A lot of people don't know a lot about it. I know a little bit about diabetes. You do, really? I have not done this. Were you an OBGYN in your home country?

I have not done that. Oh, okay. No, but this song is about an apple tree and how wonderful it is to live underneath this apple tree. Okay, I don't know whether this is going to have broad appeal. Not a lot of people live underneath an apple tree. No, it does. It's this thing's a hit. And here's a really interesting factoid. Okay. The song is the exact length that it takes to eat an apple. Really?

Really? I'm guessing... I didn't realize it was a uniform time, because some apples are small or bigger. It's true. It's three minutes. And that's what it takes? Three minutes to eat an apple? Any apple? Well, I mean, if it's a really little one, probably less. Do you know how long, a little factoid, do you know how long it takes to fully digest an apple?

Three to four months. Three to four months for one apple? To actually pass through. Oh, everything? Yeah. Wow. If you eat the whole core and everything. Oh, okay. And that includes the wooden crate that it comes in sometimes. Oh, yeah. Because that does not pass easily. No, yeah. But when it does. Yeah. And, you know, again, I didn't mean to get into all the gesture thing. No, but there's a lot of packaging, too, that has to work through. Yeah, the bubble wrap. Yeah. If you're getting them shipped in from an orchard. Yeah.

If you do eat the whole box, you know the saying, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. However, if you eat the whole crate and everything, that brings the doctor to you. To you, yeah. So it's like an opposite situation. It's very ironic. Exactly, Scott. It's creating jobs. Yeah, sure. For doctors. We need more doctors, and so, yes. Doctors can't find work. Nope, and they can't find borders either, from what I understand.

Now, would you like to listen to it? Okay. We already said we want to listen to it. You're the one holding everything up talking about apples. I just wanted to set it up properly. All you did was say that it's the exact time it takes to eat an apple. Is that setting it up properly? That's a factoid. Okay. When I listen to a song on the radio, I don't need the DJ to come out with a factoid before I listen to the song. Okay. I can just hear the song. See, I'm different. I enjoy the factoid. You like the factoid? I like the factoid. He like the factoid.

All right. Well, we've got the factoid at this point. Paul's happy. Do you want to hear this song? I just want to say I paid for the whole thing. Okay.

Okay, take it easy, Willie. You're skating on thin ice. Tiny, you get what I'm saying about it. Listen, I don't want to take sides, but between you and me, you're driving me crazy. Don't you really? Yeah, I mean... I mean, he's really driving me crazy. I live in his yard. It's been eight months with this. I can't stand five minutes of it. You get used to it a little bit, but I mean, it has a lot of money. Yeah. Hey, Willie, sorry to... That's all right. I couldn't even hear what you were saying. How come I don't get headphones?

We don't have spare headphones for every single rando who walks in off the street. All right, do you have the song? Oh, my God. I believe we do. This is nice. I don't see any problem here. I see another apple tree and I find myself some shade. I blow...

I pluck an apple off the branch and I feel like I got it made. I like apple tree. It looks so good to me. You already know.

Hope nobody chop you down I like apple tree Looks so good to me So green and brown Hope nobody chop you down

I'm sitting in an apple tree and I'm wasting away the day. Living in an apple world, it's an apple kind of day. I love you like an apple friend, my apple will stick you in the day. Oh, God.

♪ So many apples that we can eat ♪ ♪ And if you want one, you just say more apples ♪ ♪ I like apple trees ♪ ♪ They're so good to me ♪ ♪ You got me around ♪ ♪ I hope nobody's up your down ♪ ♪ I like apple trees ♪ ♪ I know they're so good to me ♪

You are green and brown Hope nobody chops you down You I would die for you Not unless you want me to You I would die for you Not unless you want me to You I would die for you Not unless you want me to You

That's about 15 seconds more of this apple. That's okay, we can listen. That's a real apple. No, I can tell. Yeah, I don't know if you're...

This is probably an accident. The apple chewing is actually accidentally on the track. And that was a decision. That was a creative decision. We all kind of said, what if we put an apple on the track? Really? You all at once kind of... It's still going. Wow. We were eating apples and we said, you know what?

There's a sound of an apple that you just... You can't replicate any other way. You can't fake that. No, you cannot fake that. If you were to fully an apple chew, you probably would actually go out and buy a real apple and then chew into it. You probably wouldn't do it any other way. Then I got an apple. Okay. All right, Willie. Bonus! Yeah. Great. Great stuff. Great stuff. Do you remember where you were when you first heard...

The apple tree song? Yeah, it was right here. Wait, you were here? Yeah. You were listening to it? No, I just listened to the clip just now. Oh, wait, you hadn't heard it before? No, I don't listen to this shit. You don't listen to this every week? The fuck, are you kidding me? What are we doing this for? I got better shit to do, man. What do you have to do? Kiss girls. You're kissing a lot of girls? Yeah, man. I'm out there kissing girls all the time. Oh, man, I wish I was you. You're so cool. I'm a pretty cool guy.

Oh, well, thanks to Brendan. That is, it didn't quite make the top 15, but super funny stuff. So let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to have the top two episodes of the year and also our number one live episode of the year. It is coming down to it, guys. We are getting through it. When we come back, we will do that. More Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hey, everyone. Hope you're enjoying this episode of

of Comedy Bang Bang. And, you know, we've been hearing on these best ofs a lot of, or a little bit of, or some of, I'm not sure at this point, John Lennon, our good friend John Lennon. Oh, Mike Hanford, comedian extraordinaire.

Of the birthday boys, of the Comedy Bang Bang writers team, also wrote on the upcoming Michael Bolton special for Netflix. He does John Lennon, of course, we all know. And he has got a spinoff show that you need to hear. It's called Questions for Lennon, and it's on Howl.fm. Do you have a query?

Do you need some life advice? Who better than John Lennon, a person who is alive but has been dead, both sides of the spectrum, to answer your question? The acclaimed Howl Original Questions for Lennon is back!

for a second season. We've talked about him. Mike Hanford as John Lennon, the former rock and roll guitarist and frequent visitor to Comedy Bang Bang. We'll answer even more hilarious questions in seven new episodes, including, including a holiday special. So, to listen to both seasons of Question for Lennon and over 200 hours of exclusive Howl miniseries,

Go to howl.fm slash cbb to start your free trial. And for a limited time, the Howl Annual Plan is only $34.99, so treat yourself for the holidays. Just go over to howl.fm, h-o-w-l dot f-m slash c-b-b to get started.

All right. Comedy bang, bang. We're back here. Paul F. Tompkins is here and this is suspenseful, isn't it? Every year at this time of year, it just gets to be like, Oh God, I can't wait to see what it is. My chest is constricting. My breath is short. Hold on a second. Wait, is your arm? Oh no.

I think you're having a hard time. I love this time of year. Okay. Do you think you can finish the episode before we need to take you to the emergency room? Let me eat that bread that you're toasting first. Oh, no. Okay. We got to rush through this. All right. Let's get to it. This is- Time for the shit storm. Your episode number two. Number two.

That's right. The second most popular episode of the year. This is from April. This is from a couple of weeks before that or just 10 days before that last episode, The Paul Reiser and the Apple Tree. This is from April 18th. 10 days before that episode, April 18th. Okay. I think I have all the clues I need. This is an episode called What Comes Out in April on HBO, the home box office.

That Bill Simmons show that got canceled? No. Every year, I mean. Not something that got canceled. Any given April? It came in April. Game of Thrones does. Every... Okay. Okay. But what comes on after Game of Thrones? You don't know, do you? Silicon Valley comes out. Oh, sure. That's right. This is an episode called Silicon Valley Poo Crew. So for the second year in a row...

Thomas Middleditch and Martin Starr and Kumail Nanjiani all got together to celebrate the premiere of Celebrate themselves. More like I asked them to do the show a favor and they do it in order to promote their show.

But we have a really good time on both of these episodes. The first time I believe Middle Ditch ever did the show was on the previous one of the previous year. And these are really funny. Basically, Martin and Kumail and myself just play ourselves, and then Thomas improvises an insane character. Right. At least one. At least one. And this one is a classic –

This is Turd Dunkweed. Turd Dunkweed, a stand-up comedian. We're going to hear a little bit about his life. And this is a lot of fun. This is a great character. Let's hear it. This is your number two. Number two. Oh, and Turd Dunkweed just walked in. Hey, guys. Hey, wow. You do not look the way I thought you would look. You made it. Yeah, yeah. I'm a...

I'm a pencil man. Yeah. Very thin. Yeah, with like orange hair that looks like an eraser. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's part of my look. I'm doing stand-up comedy now, and Kumi Nanjiani's helping me out, aren't you? Yeah, he sort of approached me, and I saw some talent in him, and I was like, all right, I'll give this a point. I saw some talent.

And you're wearing a yellow just kind of shirt. Yellow blazer. Yellow pants. Yellow shirt. And then like pointy black shoes that look like the number two lead in the pencil. And little tiny yellow shorts. On your sleeve here, does it say N-O period two? Yes. Yes, it says N-O period two. That is a tattoo.

Oh, wow. You got that through the jacket onto your sleeve. When you said on your sleeve, you meant all the tattoos on his arm. That's a preview. Yeah. And it is on my blazer, but then see, when I roll it up, it's also on my arm in the exact same place. Wow. Heavily tattooed. You have like a see-through blazer. Yeah. There's also a lot of permanent scarring I've done.

But that was from another life in Texas. Okay, okay. We're not ready to talk about the scar. I don't know. Save it for this day. Let him joke about whatever he wants to joke about. This is how comedians get through the trauma in their lives. Sure, but it gets kind of dark on stage, then it's hard. I'm just saying find your sea legs. Well, turn the lights up. Yeah. Well, that is funny. Turn off the dark. So what...

What a... You're a comedian. Yes. Where did you see him, Kumail? He was doing an open mic at Meltdown, and he just sort of... Okay. I just jumped on stage, I grabbed the mic from whoever was talking, and I did my radio show.

Why are you speaking like an Englishman now? You're from Texas. No, I'm just, that's how I speak. How do you speak? I'm Scott Ackerman. Oh, well, thank you. It's always nice to meet a fan. He's just got a lot of personality and it comes out. Yes. This is what I like about him. You never know how he's going to say a word. Yeah. Okay. You know, before we get into your background, I'd love to hear a little...

I'm just so tickled by it. By the way, this studio is not an open carry situation. I'm going to have to ask you to put those away. It's a prop. No, he's talking about my pair of Uzis. Yeah. You're two Uzis. Are you talking about my pair of Uzis? Which, by the way, they're in holsters, which is very weird. Well, yeah. I'm not a heathen. I put my Uzis in my holsters. I don't put my pants to shoot my dick off.

See? Great stuff. He does have something. Great stuff. Do you mind putting those away, though? Yeah, I think I get it. Put them away where? I don't have a backpack. Okay, just put them on the table. So at least we can all have a fighting chance at him if something goes down.

Not the turds. Oh, sorry. I felt some young gentleman who is a real looker gave me these two turds on the way out. He said, I'm going to find more of these, but here, you can have these two. Okay, you find him attractive? Thomas Middleditch, by the way. Oh, God, yes! Okay, so where do you lean?

Um, a little to the left. Uh-huh, okay. See? Great stuff. A little to the left is his catchphrase. Oh, really? And he really, like, crowd goes nuts when they hear it. I mean, they don't expect... You gotta set me up for it, though. I can't just say a little to the left. We gotta set something up for it, and then you'll see. Daddy, what are the directions? In what direction should I drive in order to reach the Denny's?

From here? I mean, the address here is... No, no, no, no. So it's pretty... You call that a setup? I don't know. I don't know how to do that. That's just saying, hey, which direction do I go? And then obviously it's going to make sense. Okay, well, how do you want me to set you up then? Like politically? Yes. What's your affiliation? That's exactly what I did. A little to the left. Yeah.

Kumi Nungiuni. I love how you say it. He's a real special guy, and I hope one day he'll let me sleep over in his guest bedroom. That's not part of our relationship. Just in your guest bedroom. You do have a guest bedroom that's never used. I do, but we have to have the audience. Why wouldn't you let him? Do you have a place to stay? No, I'm on the street. Turkey.

Wait, you're on the street? I am currently without a residence. Kumi, you know this? You're taking money from this man and you're letting him live on the street without giving him a place to stay? He hasn't made me any money yet. He hasn't? You're his manager. It's your job to get him jobs. Yes, I will. And then he can fucking get his own apartment. But right now, I mean, first of all... Wait, but you should let him stay with you tonight. I gave him a bunch of money. You know what he did with it?

He bought two Uzis. That's stupid. Well. How much did you get? Because Uzis are expensive. The neighborhood has been a lot less dangerous, though, since he got those Uzis. I've got to be honest. When you're on the street, tell you what you could really use. Uzis. Like, how much is an Uzi? An Uzi's like about $5,000, $6,000. I gave him $10,000 to $12,000. $10,000 to $12,000? And I used that $10,000 to $12,000 on a Diet Coke and two Uzis. He's stupid.

He couldn't even buy a Coke. Well, yeah. I got to get my caffeine fix somehow, and I don't like coffee. So why are you on the street? Tell us about yourself. I mean, you're from Texas? Well, yes. And in the late 90s, I was in an abandoned – what do you want to call it? Idaho.

I don't know. Aircraft graveyard, you know, where they put all the busted up... Oh, like old planes? Yeah, yeah. I was in there. Why were you in there? Well, it was a place that I could find where I could turn tricks and suck and fuck for as long as I could. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So sort of like a Top Gun fantasy? Yeah, that was in Arizona. We have said not to talk about that aspect of your life. I'm sorry. I thought it was part of what he asked what I was doing before I got into comedy and how I talked about it. You know, I mean. Okay, starting from before then. No, no, no. After. We're trying to curate. Well, when I was 16, I was viciously assaulted by a pack of hyenas that were brought over illegally.

On a cargo ship. Okay, so if they were legal hyenas, it would be all right? Well, I think, well, they wouldn't have been brought over because you can't bring hyenas over. Oh, I see. Well, I have no idea about the hyena trade. It was my first job. I was on a ship. What were you doing there? I was offloading cargo, old school style, without a piece of equipment, just with my back. Okay. And one of the boxes burst over, and 12 to 13, 12 to 13, so around...

It was a big old box. Oh, okay, so 12 and a baby? Don't be an asshole. I couldn't count it. I was being ripped apart by heinous. I see. I had no idea. Sort of eyewitnesses later said it was about 12 to 14, and maybe some of them were younger. Oh, okay, I see. It was terrible. I can tell you this. So that's where you got these scars, the aforementioned scars? No, these were self-inflicted. These are self-inflicted. Oh, okay, and what's going on? Because I don't deserve happiness. It makes him feel alive.

Okay, so was that before or after the turning tricks in the Arizona? That was before. I was turning tricks in my early 20s from about when I was 21 to about 29. I was taking all comers in any which way or form. And coming all takers. Ah, there he is. Keep me named Tioni. Use it. Use it, really. I don't think I will. It's not my particular brand. Okay, what is your act? Can I hear a little bit of your act? Uh.

Oh, goodness. Put me on the spot, Scott. Do the one about the banana peel. Oh, the banana peel. This is a big closer. Do that one. There's a lot of setup to it, so it may not make sense. Do the full ten minute version of it. I'll do the last little bit. It won't make sense because it'll come out of context. You guys want me to do my whole routine. How am I ever going to get paid if I give it away on the radio for free?

Yeah, I mean, that's the question of podcasting. Yeah, why are we doing this? Yeah, I tell you, I'm not getting paid. Yeah, no, no, no, absolutely not. Just do the last, like, 30 seconds of your banana routine. Okay, okay. Just the last 30 seconds. Last 30 seconds. Okay, okay. You have to picture now, okay, by this point in the story, I'm in Ecuador, and I have one of those tiny little white hats. Okay, got it. So, and I said to the barkeep, I didn't order this. I ordered the banana peel. Okay.

Okay, that's three seconds, so we need the next 27. Well, he pauses for laughter for a while. Okay, because it's referencing other things. Sure, yeah, no, I get it. And then you say... This is a big laugh. Big thing. This next one is the big... And so the barkeep says, I don't have one of those. Here's your shot. Ten seconds. And so I took the shot...

And I shoved it up my ass. 15 seconds. So you have 15 seconds more. But this is like big, at this point the crowd is going insane. You gotta picture. I'm totally picturing it. You know the beginning to We Will Rock You by Queen. Yeah. And they're all going, that's what they're doing. They can't control themselves. And this is that meltdown. Right. So it's not that big of a sound. Okay. Doesn't hold that many people. No.

But he's a very successful showman. Are they just playing We Will Rock You on their iPhones? No, you big ding-dong dick. You big donkey dick. You big fucking cow asshole. He's not a bitch. Calm down. Focus up. He does not deal with hecklers very well. I'll tell you, they get it. This cat's got claws. Anyway, I put the shot glass of rum up my butthole.

And then I do a little dance. Are you describing what you're doing on stage? Or is this what you're saying while you're on stage? Hold on. I got to go. Wait, you got to go? No, no, no. No, no, no. Keep going. Keep going. Okay. Okay. And then I'm doing a little dance on top of the bar. Sure. And then I tell you what else...

Yeah, tell me what else happens because I really want to see the end of the act here. Then he puts the banana peel right under me and I slip. Where do I slip? Where? A little to the left. Oh. Oh.

Standing O. Standing O. And the O stands for ovation. Oh my God, people go insane. So I saw that, obviously. I saw that and I was like, I want a piece of that. I get it just from the final 30 seconds. I mean, that's amazing. Well, I tell you, you and about 200 to 600 other men said, I want a piece of that in the early 2000s, late 90s in Arizona. You said that in Arizona? No, no, that wasn't me. I did not say that in Arizona. Okay.

We did not meet there. No, we met here in beautiful Hollywood. Okay, okay. I just wanted to make sure. I've only known him a couple weeks. And I've just met Martin Starr, and I tell you, I love him.

Okay, you just met him today? Right now, just this second. Hello, Martin. Hey, turd. That's an interesting name, by the way, turd. Is it a nickname? It's my stage name. Your stage name. What is your real name? I won't reveal. Okay, but what is it really? You don't want stalkers, et cetera. His real name is Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp? Wait, not the Johnny Depp. Obviously not the Johnny Depp. I don't look a thing like him. Is it Depp with one P? No. What?

You make me sick. Sometimes you just make me sick. That's why he had to change his name. Oh, okay. Because, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sag, yeah. Okay, there's another Johnny Depp out there. Yeah, okay. I get it. And your parents, the Depps. Yeah.

Yeah. Whatever. Melinda and Terry Depp. Melinda and Terry Depp. And they're from Texas? No. Well, my daddy is from, I think he is a Navy brat. You think he is. You don't have confirmation on this. I do not. Okay. I don't know him very well. And how well do you know him? I know his name. Okay. Terry Depp. And I know that some of his genes are in me.

Some of his genes? His DNA. No, I grabbed a pair of his cut-off shorts and I shoved them up my butthole. Oh!

And wear up your butthole. Okay. I'll beat you to it. Okay. Oh, God. It is oxygen deprived in this room. Yeah, it really is. But what about Melinda? You knew her pretty well. Yes, she raised me. First, we were in St. Louis, and she would put me on these little go-karts, and she would race me around. I didn't know how to drive. So she raised you and raced you. Yes. Okay. And she erased you, like your pencil act, right?

I don't have a single comedy routine about a pencil. Why are you dressed like that then?

I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean? We talked about it earlier. Well, I know that I'm in my cute little yellow number. And you said that you dress like a pencil because of the act. Oh, yes. I suppose I did. Well, that was a little joke. Oh, it's a joke. You just coincidentally look like a pencil today? It's just an outfit. You're...

God, you're just... Hey, don't be mean. Yeah, don't be mean to me. Well, he's pushing me around. Scott's a very important part of the entertainment industry here, and you need to stand up to him. Why did you say here?

You just ended industry. I'm sorry, are you? In LA, in Hollywood. Oh, yeah. In Hollywood. Okay, but internationally as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but all the entertainment comes from here, so if you're a big deal here, you're a big deal everywhere. Are you a producer in Ukraine? I hear that you did a lot of movies out there. Oh, yeah, they do. Blade, Blade II. Blade and Blade II? Blade Trinity was Vancouver. Yeah, exactly. I haven't seen them. I haven't owned a DVD player in years. You have while you're out on the streets. How do you entertain yourself out on the streets? True.

Oh, I talked to all the crazies. I fucking suck anyone who'll pay me. Wait, so how much money do you have from fucking and sucking? Oh, about 68 grand. I'm thinking about doing a down payment.

A down payment where? On a house? Yeah. Just from fucking Kentucky. Yeah. You should try it. It's all cash. That's why he has the Uzi's. Well, it's a cash business. It's a cash business. No, I have the Uzi's from you, you big sweetie. Well, yeah, but the reason why you have the Uzi's is not how you got them. Yeah. God, you're so fucking literal. Number two. Oh, turd. Turd. Turd dunkweed. Turd dunkweed.

All right. What do you think of that? I think those guys are having a great time. And you wish you were a part of it. Of course I do. Of course I do. You wished you were there. The first one, Classic Charles stopped by. That's right. Yes. So you were represented on that one. I was represented on that one. Established in the Classic Charles lore was that he's number 12 on the Silicon Valley call sheet. Yeah, very weirdly. What is going on with Classic Charles? He has not been by lately.

No, I guess, yeah, his schedule just didn't sync up. Classic Charles, of course, is someone that you, if you are recording your own show in the other studio and you find out that Comedy Bang Bang is recording, you will burst in and do this character, which is only done for this purpose. He is solely an interrupting character. Mainly because his voice is very difficult to do. It's very difficult.

He has a collapsed lung? No. No? He's a fencing instructor. I know that. He's a fencing instructor. He's very patriotic and very religious. And he has – the opening to his throat is too small. Oh, right. So it's very difficult for him to push words out. Right, right, right. He also has very soft teeth, which makes it difficult for him to eat a lot of food. Right. Yeah. Okay. And also his tiny windpipe makes it very difficult. He's on –

very briefly and yet we know so much about him. Yeah, it's a little more every time. I'd love to hear from him again. My favorite thing about doing Jarls is that I will often be walking in a room full of people I don't know. Like I'll know maybe one or two people. And they will not know you and wonder what you're doing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's exciting. It's a real high wire act. Oh, it is. It's a lot like that. What was that movie where...

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. From Third Rock from the Sun? Yeah. Go. You're thinking of the movie based on the documentary Man on Wire. Right. And the movie version of it was called Wire Man. Other guy on different wire. That's right. 50-50 chance of falling down to the ground.

All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have two number ones, your number one live episode and your number one regular episode of the year. Getting exciting. Shit, motherfucker. This is nuts. Here we go. Let's take a break. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang. Bang, bang, bang.

Hello, I'm Chris Gethard and here with me is dream analysis expert Gary Richardson. And we are here to give you a taste of a brand new podcast called In Your Dreams, presented exclusively by the fine folks at Casper. We listen to the wildest, weirdest dreams submitted to us by you, our listeners. And we do our best to figure out just what those dreams could possibly mean.

I look over the side of my bunk bed and there are Huey Lewis and the news. You're saying this person might have interests in style and fashion specifically. You can tell that from that voicemail. 99% certainty. Plus, we'll be joined by some very special guests. The word mortality comes to mind. Mortality? Blood. Blood-tality. Subscribe to In Your Dreams right now on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for listening. Good night. Come on.

Comedy Bang Bang, Paul F. Tompkins is here with me, and this is exciting. We're going to do our number one live episode of the year, of the tour. This is exciting. I'm very curious to see what people think. Let's hear it. This is your number one. Number one.

All right. You're curious as to what you think people voted the best live episode of the year is. I don't know that I'm curious as to what I think people voted. I'm curious as to what people voted. Wait, you're not curious about what you think? I would be if I were you. I wish I could compartmentalize my thoughts so well that I'm like, I wonder what I think about this. Yeah.

Let me open up that secret room. I'm curious to find out. Oh, my memory palace. What is your favorite episode of the ones that we did? My favorite episode of the tour was Atlanta. That was my favorite episode of the whole tour. Why is that?

I did a new character. You did the contraptionaire, as I recall. I did the contraptionaire. It was exciting to do a new character. Lauren did Ho-Ho. Lauren did Ho-Ho. An old favorite. That crowd was amazing. Drew Tarver was there with us. He did Donny Gary, which I'd never seen before. And just...

Delighted me to no end. We had a nice dinner that night. Nice dinner and the venue was exciting to be in. The venue was so great. The Tabernacle in Atlanta. So great. They treated us really well. Drew's family was there. Drew's family was there and got to see him destroy in front of a crowd. Destroy! He killed. Happened twice to us. Neil Campbell, when his parents were there, gave one of the best shows of his. Three times. Yeah.

Oh, that's right, because your family was there in Philadelphia, and you did the, which? It doesn't matter. I guess it's not memorable. I can't remember every family that comes. No, it's okay. You just couldn't remember. Look. There was three, and you couldn't remember. Look, let's be honest. I'm thinking of us as like Old Guard, where something like that. For the kids. It's for the kids. That's what I'm thinking of. I get it. We're established geniuses. So let's reveal what the number one episode is. May 11th. Mm-hmm.

Never forget. Never forget. Atlanta. The listeners voted for our favorite tour episode. I was curious to see what I would think about it, and now my curiosity is satisfied. Because you know what you thought about it. I like it. That's right. This is the Atlanta tour stop. Just everything was just working really well. Me, the control room.

Contraptionaire and I talked for a good long time, and then Ho-Ho came out and was very funny, and then Donny Gary came out. It was a very Georgia-themed episode. It was. Because Contraptionaire is a Georgia character from Savannah, Georgia. You were born in Savannah, Georgia, and Drew is from Georgia. That's right, and he was visiting his family there. And we were in Georgia. That's the final piece of the puzzle. Ha ha ha!

So we're going to hear, first we're going to hear Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho came out first. And then the contraption era comes out. And then we are going to hear Donny Gary comes out. So enjoy this. This is the top number one episode, live episode of the year. This is your number one. Good work, everybody. Number one. So Ho-Ho, you are. Yes, of course. Ho-Ho, you are. You are. Yeah. Yeah.

Ho, ho. Don't try to trick me. You're a little elf from the North Pole who works for Santa? I work for Santa, but I kind of do my own thing. I deliver toys to the bad girls and boys. I bring them guns and knives. Because bad little girls and boys from Santa, they get... Coal! Coal! That's a piece of shit. They still deserve something cool.

Although, in this energy crisis... Ugh. You're such a scientist. What a snooze. So instead of a rock in their stocking or whatever they get, you go around. Do you do it on the day after Christmas, or do you do it on... No, I do it on the night before Christmas, just like Santa. So does Santa come first? Yeah, he always has to. He's very selfish. Then you finish yourself off? Yeah, well, I go to Mrs. Claus. Wow, wow, wow. Yum, yum.

Mm. So Santa goes through the homes of every... He creeps around your house, watches you sleep for a while. Does he turn on your TV and go through your TiVo? Yeah, he likes to see what you're watching. Make sure you weren't being naughty and watching bad stuff. Like what's bad stuff? Homeland. So if you're watching Homeland... You're getting coal. You're getting coal. And this is something I've wondered. Does Santa... Does he...

Actually, if a home... Let me just phrase it this way. If a woman is barren... Mm-hmm. I follow. And childless. Got it. Not by choice, but by nature. Oh, okay. Where is this going? Does Santa go to their homes, or... No, he visits little kids. What do you think? Does Santa come to your house?

Or you don't know. You're wondering because you're asleep. I have no idea. Yeah. He likes to go visit little kids. He goes. Okay. So there are certain houses Santa never goes to. Yeah, of course. Okay. Because he can't hit every house. Well, that would be impossible. Yeah. Yeah. So you then, he comes around. He does his business. I hide in his sack. So you're there with him. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're hiding in a sack just like a little toy? Yeah. Has he ever accidentally given you to a little boy or girl underneath the tree? Yeah, I lived with them for four years! And what were their names? Tim, Lisa. Was it Tool Time Tim Taylor? Yeah! Reverse barf!

So you then, while he's sort of going about his business, you know, hitching up the reindeer, does he unhitch the reindeer every single house? No, they can't be trusted. Okay. They'll run away. Really? Does he enslave them? Yeah. They don't want to be doing what they're doing? No. What's all that malarkey we hear about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer wants to lead the sleigh and all that? He just wants something good to do with his life that's already gone to hell.

He's trapped on the North Pole. And are they eternally young? Are they... Yeah, they don't grow. No one on the North Pole ages. Really? Yeah. At what age did you start off at, although? Well, take a guess. Based on my skin. My butt skin. Oh, I see. I'm showing you. Well, the rings around your anus tell me that you're about... Looks to be about 5,000 years old. You got that right. As old as the Earth. Wow. Interesting. I was the first thing.

The earth was formed and I was inside. I am never sad, for I'm always thinking of new contraptions in my brain. What are you thinking of right now? Well, right now, I'm thinking of a contraption that would free young hooligans from the inside of abandoned refrigerators, which they persist in playing inside of and upon. And not miniature refrigerators. And not mini fridge boxes.

No, these are full-size refrigerators that maybe you could fold a Lisa mattress in half and cram it in there if you take out all the shelves and, of course, the produce that you have stored within it. That's another good slogan. Lisa mattress, don't crawl into our box and die. That's what she said. Well, you got me there. She did say it, and we had to address it.

So you're thinking of a contraption to release these hooligans from these refrigerators? Yes, I am. And what would it, I mean, do you know the mechanism yet? I can almost see it very clearly. I know that marbles would be involved. I think a ringing alarm clock. And I am guessing some sort of water fowl on a tether.

Do you ever, like, go to the machine shop and make parts for any of your contraptions? The machine shop, he says. I will forgive you your adorable naivete, my friend. But the machine shop is no friend to the contraption air. Because then it would turn into an invention. It would turn into a machine, do you see? Machines and contraptions are two entirely different things.

Are you worried somehow about machines rising up? Is that why you don't want something to be a machine? That will never happen, my friend. Really? The machines will never rise up because the machines lack a thing that is essential for rising up against human beings, and that is a soul. A machine does not know that it is sad. It just knows that it has to perform certain tasks. So meanwhile, humans are sad. We're sad all the time. We're a very sad race of creatures.

What a strange applause. I'm very sad, yeah. My life is horrible. I believe it was Shakespeare himself who said, what a piece of work is man. Maybe he was talking about a contraption. I think he was talking about a human being. Yes, but that human being being a piece of work. Do you see what I'm saying? No, he was talking about like a man. He was saying people are contraptions. Anyway, I don't want to spit hairs with you. I just want to impress upon you that my passion is making contraptions and...

If I could, what I would love to do is once again slip the surly bonds of earth and travel to outer space in a contraption of my own making. You say once again? It happened once by accident. This is like Philadelphia all over again. Are you trying to say that you...

Have penetrated the inky blackness of outer space? Yes, sir, I am telling you that. In a contraption of your devising. In a contraption of my devising. I did not even intend for this contraption to go as far as it did. My soul desire, my goal, was to get high enough up into space that I could take a photograph of my beloved Savannah, Georgia. See it as our Lord does see it from on high in the celestial heavens. Aren't there like astronaut pictures?

Yeah, just Google it. Oh, may I ask you a question? Did I take those? I don't know. Why would you bother taking a picture at all if there's Google, as you say? Because you're taking a picture of something that there isn't a picture of, like your own birthday party. Right, I see. So everyone, if anyone's ever taken a picture of you, you should forbid anyone else forever taking a picture of you again. It's been done.

Hey, if you go into the Grand Canyon, one of the Earth's most natural wonders and awe-inspiring spectacle, throw your camera in the trash can. This is a sound argument. I am being sarcastic for the sake of those audience members who are a lot slower on the uptake than we might be. You're super condescending. Am I, sir? Not only to me, but to all of them. Well, now, you will forgive me. I do not mean to condescend.

I'm merely trying to elucidate my position vis-a-vis the photographic arts. Donny Gary. Yes. Such a legend. Such a legend, yeah. I've been all around the world. Unfortunately, you guys may have seen a little bit about me in the news. Right now, I am currently in trouble for tax evasion. Oh, no. That's terrible. Yeah, yeah. Five million dollars in debt.

$5 million? $5 million in debt right now. Well, now that is quite a sum of money, sir. Yes. I mean, it's a low amount of millions. That is true. So that's on the bright side. There could be 999 million. That's the most millions. So... Most millions, 999 million. No, you could have 1,000 millions. No, that's 1 billion. Okay.

It switches over to one billion. Flips the switch. Yep. It becomes one billion. Lucky for me, I'm only five million. That is lucky. How'd you get the debt? Well, I was not aware you had to pay taxes. I did not know that the country needs money to run. Mr. Gary. Mm-hmm.

You are saying that in the entirety of your life, you remain ignorant of the idea of federal income taxes. I thought that roads were made by good Samaritans. I see these gentlemen out there working, and I was like, that's mighty kind of them. We needed this road. But, Mr. Gary, when you...

Oh, he's overcome with emotion. No. Oh, my goodness. He's crying. Wipe the tears, please, please. Sorry. So sentimental. I cry thinking about all those people working at the post office for free.

You've gone to an amusement park certainly in your life. Yes. Yes. It's a good place to start. Of course you have. It's a perfect place to start to illustrate the idea of taxes. You've paid to get into Disneyland I would imagine. No, no. I sneak in inside of a stranger's stroller. But you know you're sneaking in so you know the concept of that it costs money. Yes, but I knew that was a private enterprise.

As opposed to... Public. Which is paid for by... Nobody.

So you hadn't thought this through? Yes. No, I now know. But at the time, I was living the high life. Sure. In the 70s. You're an older gentleman. Yes, I'm 64 years old, yes. Wow. Your music's amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah, actually, I have a new album coming out. You do? I do, yes. Yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. Fantastic. When does this drop? It's going to drop as soon as I can get it recorded and produced. Okay.

What's your new album about? Well, you know, a lot of this recent misfortune has inspired a lot of beautiful new music. Well, from tragedy sometimes grows a song. As the old expression does go. That's true.

Yeah, I would love to maybe try out a couple of songs on you guys. Oh, wow. Would the audience like to hear something like that? Oh, wow. Quite an event. This is amazing. Private concert. Hit it, baby. Ooh.

Girl, you know how every time you go to McDonald's, they charge you $1.50 for a soda? Well, did you know that if you hold on to that cup and you bring it back with you every time you go to McDonald's, you can have all the free soda you can drink? Yeah.

I reuse McDonald's cups, yeah. I don't ever pay for soda. I'm talking infinite refills and fountain soda, yeah. I mix Fanta and box root beer, two sodas for the price of one, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Thank you. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that was good. Number one. Oh, I love hearing it again like I was there yesterday. Good stuff. I wish we could do a top 15 of the live episodes. That would be fun. I wish so, too. But we could only do four. Why? Who made that rule? Me. You.

Good shit, though. Huh? Fun tour. Will we do a tour again ever? I don't know. It's a lot of work and a lot of time, but very rewarding, I think, not only in terms of seeing the fans, but also an artistic...

I think, achievement to do that many episodes. It was very challenging in a great way. In a great way. I really enjoyed the pressure of having to come up with new stuff every show. And I had a couple duds along the way where I learned from that experience. I did too, but I really did feel like it was a learning experience where I...

Every step along the way, I was like, oh, I'm getting better at this part of it or I'm getting better at this part of it. And it really was one of those things where I felt like the entire tour... And it wasn't like we started slow and ended strong. It was maybe the reverse. No, it was... No, but it was, you know, I mean, that first...

Got a lot of votes, by the way, the Live from the Ace Hotel. Yeah, that was a good one. That got a lot of votes, didn't crack the top four, but that was a great one. And then we just went on that tour. I mean, you know, it probably was a mistake for me to go from...

ending my TV show. The last day was the day before the Ace Hotel show and then two days later on a plane. That was dumb. That was dumb. Shouldn't have done that. Live and learn. Yeah, but I mean, we only had a small window that we could do it and I said I would rather...

go immediately from the TV show into... Also, I think the TV schedule had changed somewhat too. That maybe those things were not going to be quite so close together. Yeah, a lot. It just kind of happened that way. But yeah, I really enjoyed it. That said, I do not think that we're doing it next year. Oh, I'm not for sure. Yeah. And maybe, I mean, maybe some festival dates along the way, but not an actual tour. That said, I do believe that you should do a Spontaneanation tour.

We'll see. We'll see. I feel like last year was – this past year was so much travel that I'm not in any hurry to take that on. You did not only did you do 39 bang-bang dates, but you did a lot of – you did Thrilling Adventure. Yeah, there was a lot of stuff going on. And it was all fun. It was all fun. But I think I – you know, you got to manage your time. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly. So let's take a year off. Let's take a year off. And then reassess. Make more things. Yes, exactly. And who knows? Maybe in 2018, no one will care about Comedy Bang Bang anymore. And we'll be like, I can't believe anyone ever came to a tour of that anyway. I fully expect my career to be over in a matter of weeks. Really? What's happening in a couple weeks? I don't know.

But I wouldn't be surprised. All right. Let's take a break. When we come back, this is exciting. The number one episode of the year. Boy, what could it be? What could it be? I know what it is. You do know what it is? Yeah. How did you know? You want me to just say? Yeah. Did you hack into my emails? Yeah. Damn it. Yeah. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang. I'm doing a thodge. I'm a thodge.

Comedy Bang Bang, this is it. We're here with Paul F. Tompkins, and we are going to be balls deep in a second. BD. Wouldn't you? In a sec. BD in a hot sec. We're so close. We're so close to being balls deep. Do you know that song, Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart? Yeah, sure. The very next day, you gave it away? Yeah. So, like, now he has to date? Yeah. Yeah.

What is this weird arrangement? He's been enslaved? Yeah, we're dating now. What? What? All right. Yeah, I got your heart from this asshole. Seems unfair.

Oh, well. But hey, a gift is a gift. What about threw it away? You know what I mean? Yeah, George. Come on, George. Do one more pass. One more pass. Although it doesn't sound as musical. I threw it. You threw it. It doesn't sound as good. You tossed it in the bin. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. All right, guys. This is it. This is it. We are at it. This is our number one.

I can't believe this. Number one. I can't believe it. I can't believe it either. This is the number one episode of the year voted by you, the listening public. And we had a lot of great episodes this year. And I believe every once in a while, an episode will get a lot of votes because it's, and I've talked about this on previous best ofs. It has a very easy to understand title that is representative of what the episode is.

And people like the episode, but it's easier to vote for something when it has a simple title where you go, oh yeah, that episode. I love that one. You remember exactly what it was. Weirdly enough, Almost Mandatory. No way of even knowing what that episode is. I've already forgotten what it is. Yeah, it was Jason Manzoukas and Thomas Middleton. There we go. No idea what is in that episode or why it's called Almost Mandatory. And yet it got a lot of votes. So maybe my theory is for nothing. But

But this is an episode from March 7th, episode 406. So, boy, right after 400, 401, 402. I mean, that stretch was a really good stretch. This is an episode called Kid Detectives 2. Okay. What is wrong? Sounds funny. No, you didn't make the number one episode this year. Oh, so that's cool.

Hey, man. It's great. You're the number one live episode. Sure. It's not even a paywall. And you're the number three. You're on the number three. Number three. And you've been on this countdown now, what, eight times? You know, it's great. I apologize. Nothing to apologize for. You don't have to apologize for anything. Look, you know, try harder next year. I wish I could make more effort.

I wish I could. But it's just physically impossible. It's physically impossible. Look, I have to say that so many of the live episodes would have beaten a bunch of the top 15 episodes. Don't you think? No doubt. If all of them were just – if everyone heard all of them and it was just comparing – Yeah, there'd be a parade for me. Yeah.

I don't know about that, but I would say that a lot of those live episodes that we did would have cracked the top ten. I know. I know that there would have been a parade for me. Okay. All right. So this is Kid Detectives 2. This is Lauren Lapkus and Thomas Middleditch. And I got to say one thing to give a little shout out to Thomas Middleditch. He did four episodes this year. All he did were four episodes.

One live and three in studio. His three in studio were voted on by all of you in the top five. And his one live episode was in the top three of the live episodes. So what are you trying to say? You're looking at me saying this. I'm just saying that he was like an assassin. By the way, I have to look at you when I'm talking to you. We're not playing Paul or Cody video. No.

It was great, though, when we did it. It was really good. That was a good round. But what a record. I mean, that's like batting 1,000 in a way. You know what I mean? Must be satisfying. Stop this character. We're celebrating these people. Let's celebrate Thomas because I don't think he's been celebrated enough. This poor guy. Let's give him a break.

Let finally let this be a good thing in his life. Come on. Now you and I have been Thomas Middleditch fans for a long time. I loved him since Improvised Shakespeare Company. Improvised Shakespeare Company. We saw them many years ago. All those guys are great. That's right. So when, and here's another fact. When I did Bonnaroo,

the Bonnaroo festival. Uh, we did a live sort of hybrid standup comedy, bang, bang, and improvised comedy, bang, bang thing with James Adomian and Thomas Lennon and Reggie, uh, to celebrate the second season of the TV show. When I did Bonnaroo, um,

all the Improvised Shakespeare guys were there and said hi to them. And, you know, I'd been seeing them at a few festivals and I was always saying, oh guys, I think you guys are so funny. But I did not know Thomas really other than, hey, you're in this Improvised Shakespeare Festival. You probably don't know my work. We, somehow in the Bonnaroo Festival, we had to leave at four in the morning to get to our plate. Okay. And,

And so we all gathered in the hotel lobby. And I tell you, the after party was still going on in there. That made me so tired. But it was 4 a.m.,

And our car does not come. The Bonnaroo person that they sent, the intern, the Bonnaroo intern does not come. 4.30 doesn't come. At 4.30, I call the helpline that they give you. Guess what isn't working at four in the morning? The helpline? The helpline in order to help you with your travel arrangements. That's right. Probably the person who managed the helpline was two feet away from you at the bar.

So no one's answering and we're like, we are going to miss our plane. By the way, this is in the middle of Tennessee, I believe Bonnaroo is, right? I do not know. Okay. And this is in the middle of nowhere kind of and not a place where cabs are. And to call a cab, we tried calling a cab and they were like, we can get there in like 45 minutes. Oh my God.

So, and no one will answer the helpline. And lo and behold, we see Thomas come down the stairs. It's like 4.45 in the morning. He's going to the airport, not through a Bonnaroo, but HBO, because he's on Silicon Valley, has hired him a car in order to get him back to the set as soon as possible. And there are like five of us. And we say, and I don't know him. And I'm like,

do you think, are you going to the airport? Do you think you could take all of us in your HBO car? And he was like, of course. And, and we all jumped into the car. Super nice. We got to the airport in time and did not miss the flight. Um, so that's a little Thomas, uh, story, but because I was reminded of the improvised Shakespeare festival, we're a big fan of his, uh,

If anyone deserves... Improvise Shakespeare company. Company, yes. This is... This is a company, yes. Well, but it's like this group of guys that are really great at doing this thing. It's not like a big event where they are just... Just to give them proper credit. Yes, exactly. It's like... How many people are in it? Five? Or... I think like...

There's a rotating – In total, I think it's like maybe six to eight guys. I've been on their website recently. Yeah, there's like a rotating group of people. And they do four at a time when they do a show. Right, right. It's one of the greatest – I believe we've talked about it. If you're ever at a festival or where they're putting on a show, a great night at the theater and you'll laugh a lot. And I went in a little skeptical kind of going, how good can this actually be? Improvise Shakespeare. And not only do they nail the humor –

part of it but they also do such specific things to Shakespeare it's incredible it's really incredible so you know if anyone can be on a big popular HBO show I'm glad that one of those guys is so good on him and what a record this year four episodes and all four of them in the top five this is Kid Detectives 2 the sequel to we didn't even do the clip no we haven't

This is the sequel to the Kid Detectives episode where Lauren and Thomas just improvise these young characters. And so let's hear it. This is a crazy episode. They are, of course, J.J. and Murphy O'Malaman. And they are child detectives. That's all you need to say. Here we go. This is your number one of the year. Number one.

So, what is the new case? I want to hear about this case. Oh, right. Oh, boy. Ah, jeez. Well, it all started when a crying mother came to us that her babies had been stolen. Her babies? She knocked on her door crying, saying her babies were stolen. She was cradling air. Yeah. She said, everything was going normal. I was at the hospital. I shit out my pussy. Yeah.

Wait, wait. And then the turds turned into babies, and then they were gone. Yeah. Okay, hold on, hold on. So was she trying to explain the concept of childbirth to you, and you didn't understand it? No, she just was explaining where she was and what happened. Oh, this is verbatim. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Scott, you do know that a girl gets pregnant, then poops out her pussy, and then

And then the turds turn into little babies. And that's you and me. I really wish you wouldn't say that word. Use a medical term. He's afraid to say it. What a virgin. Wait, are you not a virgin? No way! I'm 11 now. And I'm 11 too. Who have you had sex with? My sister. Okay, okay, hold on. I don't want to talk about this. Okay, new topic. New topic. Okay.

So this woman... Don't you want to know what we... Yeah, don't you want to know our review? All right, guys, what did you think of it? Quickly, we don't have a lot of time to get into this. I thought pretty good. Could use some work. Yeah, ditto. Well, you guys are new with this. Well, we had fun. It was pretty comfortable. You guys know each other really well, so there's not that... I mean, I wasn't embarrassed in my body or anything.

Okay. All right. Enough of that. All right. That's not why you're here. I thought it was really nice. We hugged at the end. We watched a movie right after. Yeah. What movie? Ferngully. Ferngully. Was that a legend? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. You think it really happened? Oh, man, your brain's weird. Yeah. More like mush. All right, guys. So let's get to why you're here. No, I mean, why you're here is Ireland. Let's get to... Okay, so we knew she had a real problem, and we had to figure it out. So we immediately got our notebooks, our caps, our little glasses, and...

And our galosh is on in case anything started to rain. In case anything started to rain. Okay. Yeah. What else has started to rain in your experience other than the sky? Eyes. Mommy's pussy. Oh, God. My goodness. Guys.

It's true. It's true. I had to get an umbrella. Okay, guys. I'm starting to regret. This is not that kind of a show. It's not? Who's your daddy?

Don't bring him up. Why? The last time we talked, he was still around. Yeah, well, he is no good. Yeah. What happened? He told us he got some lady pregnant. Really? Yeah. What lady? I don't know. Some girl, you know. Said she was going to have twins. Yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you saying? Are these cases connected? Huh? What do you think you are, a gumshoe? Yeah. Back off the beat. You smoking grass in your butt?

In my butt? That gets you high faster. Yeah, well, that's probably true. We know. We've been toking since forever. If you can puff in with your butt, you're an expert toker. Yeah. I've seen it online. My favorite website that I watch before bed is a little website called efuckt.com. E-F-U-K-T dot com. Everything on there is super fucked. All right. They're going to appreciate the plug. But guys, look...

I think these cases are connected. I mean, your daddy said he got someone pregnant who was going to have twins. This woman just had twins, and they're missing. Twins. Two. Two kids. You and me. Are we her babies? No, no, you're not her babies. Wait, we were stolen? How long ago did this woman say it happened? About 11 years ago. 12 years ago.

Wait, 11. One and one. Two. Twins. Two kids. Two kids.

We gotta go to Alaska! We do! I knew it! I told you it was in Alaska! What does two have to do with Alaska? Oh my god. Have you ever seen the shape of Alaska? It looks just like the number two. With a big bubble and swirly lines around it. Yeah, plus there's only two big mountains there. Yeah, and only two types of snow. Yeah, white and brown. What about yellow? Yellow is brown.

That's the same tone palette. Yeah. Oh, God. It's like you've never even been to the Home Depot and looked at the color swatches. I don't know what to do with this guy. Oh, man. Hey, stick to hosting radio, bub. Yeah, stick to your radio day job, sir. I am sticking to it. I'm doing it right now. You are? Yeah. Are we on the radio? Whoa, hello. Hello out there. Hello out there. Hello out there.

Cool. All right, guys. Wow, I heard my echo. Neato. So wait, I thought that you're, okay, so this happened, a woman walked in. Yeah. Well, she knocked on the door of our bedroom. She's not, yeah, okay. She was soaking wet from the rain or a shower. It took us a minute to get our clothes on. Yeah.

Yeah. Because we were kind of in the middle of something. That was the day we did it. Oh, dear. For the first time of many. Yeah. We love doing it. All right. Okay. Okay. So we love each other. So this is not. What? Don't you have sex with your wife? I do, but you guys are not. You're brothers. And I think you might be twins. I think you might be the same age. Don't you ever jerk off in the mirror?

Why? Because it's like looking in a mirror. We look the same. Yeah. It's like seeing what you look like when you're jerking off. Aren't you ever curious? Guys, this is not what the show's about, okay? I'm trying to get to the bottom of your history here. Look, why do you think that there are clues in Alaska, by the way? Before we get to the Ireland fact. You want the truth? Yeah. You want the absolute truth with no beans about it? Yeah, no BS, no filter. All right. The unvarnished truth. Ah.

Truth is, we heard our pap-pap was going all the way up there. Really? Yeah. He's taking a car. Taking a car all the way. Yeah, that's a long drive, but you can get there. And the truth is, he told us something in our ears right before we left. Really? Yeah, real close. So it was hot and a little wet. He said, I'm going to Alaska.

Is that your impression of your dad? Yeah. Is he an old prospector? Yeah, he sounds like a... Did he learn to speak from listening to the big Thunder Mountain Railroad safety announcement? Yeah, and you know why he goes like this?

Yeah, you don't want... Because he's only got one tooth in the front and the top and one tooth in the front and the bottom. Yeah, and those teeth, he says, those are his gold testing teeth. He takes a little nug of gold and he puts it in his mouth and he tastes it. He says 100% pure just by tasting. Just by tasting. And chomping it between the two teeth. Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Man, we sure do miss our old Pat. How often does this come up that he's testing gold? More than you'd expect. Oh, wow.

Well, first thing he tested was Mommy's wedding ring. Really? When she died. Okay, so he tested it before she died. And what were the results? He tested it after she died, when it was off her muscled body. Yeah. Muscled body. Yeah, I mean, we had to have some help taking all our valuables off her body. Because the skin went off, but the valuables stayed on. Yeah, he also took out her gold fillings. Yeah. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Chomp, chomp. He's mainly chewing on someone else's teeth, but...

The first, the wedding ring, he chomped on that, and it was 100% tin. It bit right in his mouth, right between the two teeth. Then he put it on his front tooth like a tooth ring. Yeah. I mean, man, our mom sure was a cheapskate. Wait, she bought her own wedding ring? Yeah, she insisted.

I mean, we weren't there for it. That's just what our dad said. Legend has it. That's just what our awesome dad said. I miss dad. I love the way he plays with us. Doing a jig around us. Yeah, spreading salt around us in a circle. And consulting the bones. You remember consulting the bones? It's our favorite game. Screw life, screw Monopoly. We play consult the bones. Let's play right now. Okay. Uh...

You brought bones? Yeah! Okay, wait, what? Scott, or Cotman, Cotman, what do you want to know about your future? Yeah! When will I perish? Okay! Whoa! Are you sure you want to know? Yeah, what do the bones say? It doesn't look good, sir. Two, two bones...

So wait, let me first explain to the listeners. We had 12 bones. All the bones fell off the table except for two. Oh my gosh. They went into an X. X marks the spot. Two. Two. 2017. What? You're going to die in 2017. We're going to get hit by two cars. Two cars.

Running alongside each other. You'll be laying on the ground long ways. Like a hot dog. Yeah. And then you'll run.

You over. Oh, my gosh. The spirits come out of me. And just because two bones are there, you think it's 2017? It could be 2018. I mean, it could be 2099 as far as you know. No, sir. We're the ones who know how to read the bones.

Sorry. Have you ever consulted the bones before? I've never consulted. Whose bones are those? Do you mind me asking? You don't want to know. We do mind. I actually do want to know, and I'm going to insist upon asking. You want me to consult the bones to find out? To find out whose bones they are? Okay, sure. Oh, no. Oh, man. What's it say? Okay, these bones are President Barack Obama's. What? You know where he lives? Where does he live? How many bones are on the table? For Washington Lane.

The next clue is in Alaska. Wait, I don't think so. Is there a four Washington Lane in Alaska? No, but we just know that what it means that. Where did you get these bones?

Well, Michelle Obama called us up and said we had to hide these. Yeah, she said we got a little bit too carried away. And guess what they are? Which bones are they? Finger bones. Finger bones? He's still alive, he just doesn't have real fingers. Really? Does he have just like floppy skin gloves? You call it floppy loppies. Yeah.

My favorite movie that I like to watch before bed is The Road. And do you remember the scene in the basement?

Where you got those half-eaten people? Sure, yeah. Well, Michelle's been talking about how she wanted to recreate that with Obama. Okay. I've been wondering why he hasn't pointed at anything in the last two years. He's embarrassed. Yeah? It would look really foolish if he ever tried to point with one of those things. Oh, man. Little floppy skin flaps? Yeah, he just sort of like... Yeah, he waves people. Guys, what was your home life like? Were you born in a home or were you born in a lab?

I mean, I know you were born in a toilet, but where were you raised? The toilet was in a lab. Yeah, well, we don't really know what you're talking about. Lab, home, whatever. Maybe we just describe what we saw growing up and you can tell us where we were born. Yeah, please do. Okay. All white. Metal tables. Men with coats. Men with coats. Radioactive turtles. A rat who taught us martial arts. Slime. Porn down the walls. Porn.

All access porn. Murder shows. Murder shows. Little granola bars for whenever we did something right. A maze. Maze Wednesdays.

Is that it? Casual Fridays. Casual. What did you get to wear on Cash Fridays? Only jeans. No tops. No tops. No unders. No socks. And no hats. We got caught with a cat or hat on Fridays. Boy. Oh, man. Wait, what if the cat in the hat came on a Friday? He did. On Christmas once. Really? Yeah, it was our special Santa. He came all over the place. Yeah. It was great.

Oh, yeah. I miss May's Wednesdays. May's Wednesdays and the Sundays when we had to jack off all the cats. Number one. Okay. Kid Detectives 2. They did it. They're insane. They're insane people. Lauren, love you. Wish you had such a great time with you this year. Wish you weren't in England.

You know, we could be spending the holidays together. You know what? I miss Lauren too. I miss her podcast on Fridays. By the way, if you're a Comedy Bang Bang fan, the very last episode of With Special Guest with Lauren Lapkus was a lot of fun to do. You and I and Lauren all together in an insane episode that defies description, although many have tried.

And they have all failed. They're failures. They are. They go home to their wives. They're spineless worms. Oh, their wives know I married a failure. But go check that out. That was the second anniversary episode. Generations. Came out, yeah, about a month ago, Generations. That's a really funny episode. Maybe funnier than any of these episodes we've counted down from on this. Well, I don't know. Thomas Middleditch isn't in it.

All right. Is that the end of it? That's the end of it. All right. It was fun. I had a good time. It was fun for a while. For a while. Paul, I want to thank you so much. I know you've been really busy lately and sick.

You got a sinus infection and... I did. Like at the tail end of the year, it was kind of all caught up with me. And you... We were traveling so much and you've been filming a million episodes, a bajillion, and you've been working and you've been doing your live Largo shows. And yet...

And I know you've been turning down stuff. And you've been saying, no, I can't do this. No, I can't do this. And yet you reached out to me and said, I still have been making time to do the best-ups. Yes. This was something that I had just always factored into my calendar from – it's just one of those things. It's a tradition. It's a thing like, of course we're going to do that. I enjoy it every year. I would –

Rather not be doing this with anyone else. It's something that I look forward to every year, and I thank you so much for making time for it. For all of the guests on the show who have been on all year, I appreciate so much all of you.

donating your time to the show and your genius and coming out here and being super funny every week and the show would not exist without any of you. For all of the engineers and staff here at Earwolf, aside from this guy. With notable exceptions. Notable exceptions.

Your hard work puts this show out once or twice a week, and we get to record it and just walk out the door, but these guys have to sit there and snip it together for hours afterwards, so I really appreciate that. And most of all, the listeners...

I can't believe we've been doing this almost eight years now and people still give a shit. And not only that, but, you know, we did this live tour to, I believe, 40,000 plus people came out to see us. Wow. So incredible. That's wild. The fact that people listen to this every week and –

enjoy it and care enough to vote on the episodes and get wrapped up in what's going to be number one. And, you know, it's really meaningful to me that it still holds such a big place in not only people who, and a lot of people write to me and say, I've been listening since the old days at the radio station, but also new listeners every year who are like,

I just found out about this. How have I not listened to it? It's so gratifying and rewarding to hear from you all. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We could do the show without you listening, but why would we? We would just be recording it and putting it out. Then we'd look at the statistics and be like, no one's listening to this. We would stop. It would be weird. It would be really weird. It would be weird. But I'm not saying we wouldn't do it. No, I'm sure we would.

Because we're insane. We're mentally ill people. We really are. And I, as previously established, have a learning disability. That's right. I'm imaginary. Scott, may I say to the listeners how much I appreciate the support that people have given me and the encouragement. And it is nice to know that the stuff that I do is connecting with someone. And I'm so grateful to be able to be a part of this community.

uh, show and this family, um, and to work with the people that I've gotten to work with, make new friends and, uh, do exciting, creative things with people. That tour was so much fun. Uh, and you know, I'm extremely, we had a lot of, uh, people from bajillion on the show this year who we got to know because of bajillion and they, and people like, uh, you know, Ryan and Drew and Tawny and, uh, Mandel and Tim and, uh,

Dan and have I left anyone out? No, I think you got everybody. Is that everybody? Yeah. You know, they've been on the show a lot this year and it's really rewarding to keep meeting these new people and going, oh, wow, look at all these great improvisers and then bringing them into the fold. And then, you know, new people like Zeke and Jessica McKenna, you know, I mean...

And Rhea Butcher was on for the first time this year, you know, and has done three episodes. So it's great to have all these new people. And then our old favorites like Andy Daly and Nick Kroll who have been on since the very beginning. It's really cool to be able to work with all these people over a long span of time. Yeah. But thank you very much for having me be a part of this because it means a great deal to me. Of course. And thank you to the listeners, everybody.

It means a lot, and hopefully you'll listen to us next year when we haven't promised to do another iRobot song, thank God, because that really came down to the wire. But we'll talk about Mr. Microphone. Always. You can, like, clockwork. Every year. Please send us any Mr. Microphone minutia you have. If you have any news, we need it. Recent Mr. Microphone news.

We'll see you next week on Monday with another one of our great traditions. We'll have another Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sanz episode. So looking forward to that. And who knows what 2017 will bring for us, not only personally, but for the show. Who knows? We'll see what we'll be counting down to come January. That's very exciting to me. Paul, thank you very much. And listeners, thank you very much. We'll see you on Monday. Thanks. Bye.

I'm loving it. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Love is many split.

I'm talking love, love, love, love, crazy love, love, love, love, love, really love. But we're never gonna survive unless, never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around and hurt you. Never gonna eat this pie, never gonna say goodbye.

And we're gonna eat this pie and desert you. One jump ahead of the bread line. One jump ahead of the sword. I eat only what I can't afford. Hey, there's a monkey on my back. Hey, these racist guys are chasing me. Hey, my name is a loudly fabulous city. Strong as Denmark, I'm a man down to one knee.

He pays the galloping guard a hundred beggars with swords to get the goods of that lord's life. Prince, are we? Think we're gonna dance now? You said don't have to be, you said, Prince, rich to rule my world. To rule my world. Don't have to. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999. Didn't you?

Never wanna be cause you any damage. Oh yeah, that's a good one. Never wanna cause you any pain. Yeah. Only wanna one time see you laugh. Forever and ever for we are we brothers and brothers in the boat. And we're gonna forever love.

You're a swagger and you're bearing and those just right clothes you're wearing. You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. Ooh, it's seasonal. You simply are. You're a do and a do and a do and a do. If I were a rich man. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Money! It's a gas. It's a gas.

Teachers! Leave those kids alone! All we are is just another brick in the wall.

Are you ready for a brand new beat?

And the people are singing and they're dancing in the street. All across the motor city. Dancing in the street. Down in New Orleans. All we need is music. Music. Yeah, music.

It's up to you, New York, New York, New York.

They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway. They say if you take the subway, you can get there. But I don't listen. They're so dumb. They are also filled with cum. They say the neon lights are awesome.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Get no kick from cocaine. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. That's not my idea of something to do. Cause I get a kick out of you. Bye.

What's up? Go ahead and jump up.

Never gonna stop, I'm never gonna end it. Never gonna stop, I'm never gonna end it. Base! How low can you go? Death row! What a brother now. Once again, back is the incredible, rhyme animal, the incredible, the public enemy number one. Five O's said freeze, then I got numb. Can I tell them that I never really had a gun? It's time to exit, Terminator exit! Terminator exit!

Push it. Push it.

I push it real good. Baby got back. Baby got back. Baby got little in the middle, but she got much back. Little in the middle, but she got much back. Little in the middle, but she got much back. I want my baby back, baby, back, baby, back. Baby, back, baby, back, baby, back. I want my baby back, baby, back, baby, back. Baby, back.

Start spreading love. Love.

Boom! Lift up your head. Wash off that mascara. Here, take my Kleenex. Wipe that lipstick away. Show me your face. Clean as the morning. I know things were bad, but now they're okay. Suddenly, Timur is standing beside

You don't need no makeup. Don't have to pretend. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me Seymour. Feed me all night long. Here we go. Everybody say, you can do it. Feed me Seymour. Feed me all night long.

Cause if you feed me Seymour

I can grow up big and strong. When I was younger, just a bad little kid. My mother told me funny things I did. Like loony pong.

Hey, yo!

Down on Skid Row Down on Skid Row

Down, down, down, down.

I can do that whole thing, we've already done it here. You want it again? You want the whole thing? Not throwing away my... Okay.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, okay. Oh, that's Wu-Tang, isn't it? What's that song? What is that? Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with.

♪ The Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with ♪ ♪ Uh, Dolphy's had Manolo ♪ ♪ I got that solo, watch rolo, rolo, for YOLO ♪ ♪ Uh, that's the motto, YOLO ♪ ♪ Uh, no less, throw ya ♪ ♪ Uh, yeah, hang on, man ♪ ♪ Don't wanna sing the same song, man ♪ ♪ Uh, um, ping pong, man ♪ ♪ Hit you with the ace, ping pong, man ♪

Hey, Nong Man, ain't nothing to fuck with. Hey, Nong Man, ain't nothing to fuck with. Hey, Nong Man, ain't nothing to fuck with. Hey, Nong Man, ain't nothing to fuck with. Hey, Nong Man, ain't nothing to fuck with. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Here I come.

This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

Want to hear Earwolf Pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

Just search for Earwolf Presents in your podcast app and subscribe so you don't miss an update. Seems unfair that I took three years of a foreign language and I know approximately three words. That's one word a year. That's not a good ratio. It's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program. It's available on desktop or can be used as an app on your phone or tablet. Trusted experts for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways with its intuitive process. You can pick up any language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences.

Rosetta Stone, it's very easy to use. I started learning Italian with it. I have a friend who also, he's so far advanced in Italian because he started earlier than me. It's so much fun to do and it's fun to feel like you can understand and speak in another language. Don't put off learning it. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time,

Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy.