Best of 2017 Pt. 2
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Yonder, Fonda, beyond the pond there, you'll find a kind of unminded diner who's shy from Grindr cause her, in case her Brian Childer finder, oh God.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I mean, come on. I mean, that's tough. That's a tongue twister. Let me try it again. Here we go. Yonder Fonda. I couldn't even do it a second time. Third time, we all heard it. It's just like Alyssa Milano would say. It's the charm. Here we go.

Yonder, Fonda beyond the pond there. You'll find a kinda unminded diner who shies from grinder in case her prion child did find her. Forget it. Anyway, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to the Voblex for that catchphrase submission. Thanks a lot, the Voblex. Yeah, you think you'd make these things easier to say. Yeah. It attracted my eye. I said, I don't need to practice this before I say it. One take, just like Lionel Richie singing hello. Scott, you are like Icarus of old.

Your hubris brought you down. Ah, yes. I wish there was a more modern reference than Icarus. I wish that a person from today would build wax wings and fly. Because then we could just mention him. You know, you're like Josh. Yeah, yeah. Who flew too close to the sun. The wax wings. Talk me through that. How did that work? Yeah, exactly. First of all.

Was he in prison or something? That's how they were getting out of prison? What was the deal with Icarus? Do you recall? It was him and his dad? His dad flew with him, right? And his dad was like, hey, Icarus, don't fly too close to the sun. Remember, we're wearing wax. Hey, Icarus. Hey, you son of a bitch. I don't really know. Wait, I'm calling my wife a bitch. I don't really know. All I know about Icarus is this. He wanted to fly. He built wax wings. He flew too close to the sun. They melted.

And it was like in your face, Icarus. You're not supposed to be flying. Right. I think there's some sort of prison component to it. By the way, Engineer Cody Ryan, did you look up the things we asked you to look up last time?

You looked up Hanukkah, I remember that, but then we asked you to look up something else, right? Lyrics, some lyrics. Some lyrics, yes, that's right. It was lyrics. It was sending the clowns, isn't it nice? Isn't it nice? Isn't it nice sending the clowns? By the way, welcome to the show. This is Comedy Bang Bang Best Of Part 2. I'm Scott Aukerman. I'm your host, and I'm sitting across my co-host for these best ofs, as he has been for many a year. Paul F. Tompkins is here. It's me. I'm here. You are here. Yeah. I was worried you were not here.

You're here. Were you worried that I was not here, but you were seeing me? That is, yes. Look, there's all sorts of unidentified phenomena that people are seeing these days. You're very hung up on this. Well, I mean, aliens are out there. Well, I mean aliens. I mean, I love you. I love you. That's, by the way, a lot of people when they do Woody Allen impressions...

And they're all the rage now, we have to admit. They love doing it. People do the, definitely, you know, they do the nebbish Woody Allen. I do the Woody Allen when he's like in bed with, you know, Muriel Hemingway or whatever, where he gets all soft. He's like, I love you, you know? I mean, I just, I think that you mean the world to me. The whiny. Yeah, the like, I'm going to soften my voice, Woody Allen. What do you got, Ryan?

You want the Frank Sinatra? Fuck. Just lyrics. They're the same no matter who sings it. Lyrics to songs are the same no matter who sings them. That is not true. Other than Weird Al. Exactly. I just don't have anything that's Send in the Clowns, Isn't It Nice? That's the part that comes to mind.

That's what we're asking is if it was a lyric to send in the clowns. Well, that's what- Fucking buffoon. That's what Scott was asking. This is the last episode. Yes, I know. This is the last episode you're doing. Bye. You're firing him for the best of? I'm bringing in Sam. I'm bringing in Sam next time. Oh, shit. Do you want me to call him? Yeah, call Sam. All right. I want Sam. Hey, welcome to the show. Scott Ackerman. I'm your host. I'm your host.

Paul F. Tompkins is here. Yeah, Paul F. Tompkins. And Ryan is fired after this episode. Scott just fired Ryan. Can you come in and record the next best of? Yeah, that would be great. What? No, there's no overtime if that's what he asked. Yeah, he did that. There's no overtime. There's no overtime. There's no holiday pay. Yeah, the payment is just the – You get to keep your job. You get to keep your job. That's what he says. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Is he coming? Yeah, he's coming. He's coming? Okay, cool. You're fired, but you got to finish out your shift here on the show. Okay. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Look, let's be honest. You're not listening to this as your first episode. Oh.

This isn't your first episode of Comedy Bang Bang, I would imagine. You probably listened to part one that came out on Monday, Christmas Day. Do you know what? Scott, shut up a second. Do you know what happened, though? I saw on Twitter. I'm furious at you for telling me to shut up.

Somebody's saying that they listened to the best ofs and that got them into the show. Yes, but I'm saying part two of the best ofs is not your first episode. That would be weird. That would be weird. The one that came out on a Thursday. I don't know that I'd ever seen that before and I was happy to see that. Yeah, I was happy to see that. I did see that myself. It does work. People, uh,

You know what else worked, I will say, is we had a guest on an episode recently, not eligible for this year's Best Ofs. And some people wish it were because it was a fantastic episode. But Neil Patrick Harris was on the episode a couple of weeks ago. And what – he described the way he got into the show was he read the New York Times article about episode 500.

And I believe episode 500 may have been his first episode that he ever listened to. There you go. And then he got into it. And I'll tell you – and I think I told you this, Paul. But he gave a very – a compliment that was very funny to me because it's not one that I normally hear. But he said, I love how long the show is. Yes. Yes.

Which is not something that one normally says. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was just like, a lot of podcasts, you turn them on, they're over in like 20 minutes. And then it's like, what else do you listen to? He's got a lot of free time on his hands, I guess. I wanted to know what podcasts he was listening to. That are just 20? Yeah. Like The Daily? Maybe it's something like that or something? I don't know. There's a lot of podcasts out there. Honestly, Paul, have you noticed –

Now, people like the New York Times or New York Magazine, now they are doing their best of podcasts lists. And they're all these highfalutin. Yes. These like, you know, they all have to be educational. You're not going to learn anything listening to this show. It's a bunch of NPR horse shit. Horse shit. They all sound exactly the same. Yes. With their measured voices and they don't like to raise their voices above a whisper.

But I wasn't satisfied. What he said didn't make sense. So I had to go back and ask somebody else. That's my least favorite type of post. Yeah, the one where they sort of have a question mark at the end of every— Yeah, they have like a mystery that they're trying to solve. I wasn't satisfied.

I had to answer more questions. So I went back and I asked questions. But why would he be there at that time? And how come he wasn't able to say why you didn't do this right? Now, Paul, there are, of course, people who are imitating the way that we do this show, I'm sure, just like, Concealer!

Well, that's most podcasts. That's most podcasts is people constantly yelling to be heard. That's what you're going to get with this. There's nothing educational about our show. It's a bunch of fucking flim flam and bullshit. But at least it's going to pass the time and it'll be fun for you.

That's a good way to think of this show, right? Imagine if this podcast were in a box. That would be on the back of the box. Right. Yeah, look, it's a bunch of flim flam. And bullshit. Bunch of bullshit. But at least it passes the time. And a lot of it, according to Neil Patrick Harris. That's right. I have to say that was thrilling to hear –

And this show has people who are well-known who like to listen to it. And some of them have asked to be on the show and have succeeded very well. And we may be hearing from some of those people in our countdown today. But it's always nice to hear that someone has listened to – someone read about it, then listened to it, and then got it. Because usually you can get two of those. That's true.

That's right. You know, you can – someone will read about it. Someone will listen to it and usually it's the old turnoff after five minutes. So if you're listening, let's describe exactly what happens on this show. This is the show where we talk to interesting people. This is how you've already established there's no way this is your second – this is your first time listening to the show. Yeah. Go back and listen to part one first. Yeah. But now let's recap what the show is. The show where we talk to interesting people, full stop.

We hit upon it this year and it's our tagline. I don't know that it's surviving into 2018. I'm sure people wish I would retire. Like you're sick of saying it? Probably. That's a lot of what Comedy Bang Bang is, is me latching on to something and saying it until I get sick of it. But I will say not before the audience is sick of it. That's true. It's usually a good two-month period where people are like, okay, knock it off. I like the obstinacy of that.

Yes. I don't care what the people think about this show. I instead want to rub their noses in. Because it also feels like I don't want to do it either, but I'm going to keep doing it because you don't like it.

It's a little bit of that, yes. No, this is the show where we will have on – I'm the host of it every week. And I'll have on celebrities and comedians and people who are in the news. Not really anyone who's in the news usually. Although people have become in the news after they've been on the show. Well, you had to ditch that Mark Halpern episode. That's true. Oh, boy.

And then we have on comedians playing fake people. Sometimes they're doing impressions of real people and sometimes they're doing people that they've constructed out of whole cloth. And Paul F. Tompkins is on the show. He's been on 11 times in the eligibility period of 2017. And he primarily when he's on, he does characters. That means I missed a month.

Yeah, that's true. That is interesting. I wonder which one you – I'll have to go back through the stats and figure out like what was your longest period that you didn't appear. Because look, I mean people know –

I'm a regular. You're a regular. I'm in the regular rotation. And you have been ever since the beginning of the show. Look, there are a lot of regulars who have been on since the early parts of the show. Yeah. And their appearances have dwindled to practically nothing. That's right. There are some who go through phases where they were on a lot certain years and then they'll take some breaks. Then they'll come back. Nick Kroll is maybe one of those who lately has just been available and around and loves being on the show. Yeah.

has had a little more time. It's usually whomever has a little more time on their hands. But Paul, you always make it a priority to be here, especially at the end of the year. It's very true, Scott.

That being said, you missed a month. I don't know what happened there. I don't know. I don't know. It's a little weird. A little weird. What we're doing on this show is we're counting down the episodes that you, the listeners, voted on. The eligibility period is Thanksgiving of 2016 through Thanksgiving of 2017. And we put up a poll and you guys vote on it. I mean, it's self-explanatory. That's what happened. Look it up in your history books. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you biting on there? What do you got? Some sugar-free chocolate that Chef Kevin— What do they put in it to make it sweet if it doesn't have sugar in it? I think they put sugar in it and they just say it's sugar. They just say it's to those fucking liars. Chef Kevin gave you that? Yeah. It's like a Whitman sampler box. It's a Whitman sampler. I thought it was just a regular old Whitman sampler. I didn't realize until I unwrapped it.

It was sugar-free, and I think it's a gag. I think it's a personal gag. Some sort of gag that he's doing. By the way, every episode of Comedy Bang Bang has someone chewing into a microphone, and if you can spot it, and you do it every single episode, and you send those results to me, you can win $1 million. This is very exciting. You have to have proof, though. Yeah, you got to show receipts, much like Beyonce. Oh, no. Who am I thinking of?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Kim Kardashian. Judge Judy. Kim Kardashian. Judge Judy. Got to show receipts like Judge Judy did. You ever watch Judge Judy? All the time. When it first came out, I have this friend. You probably know her, Gray Griffin, a.k.a. Gray Delisle. She's had several names over the years. She's not done yet either. Yeah, she started out as Erin Van Osbury.

when I first met her and then gradually has metamorphosized into Greg Griffin. She does a lot of voices on your favorite animated programs. I believe she's Velma on Scooby-Doo, maybe. Zoinks.

Several other – she's always – she's like a regular – she's – her and Tom Kenny are the most in-de-band VO artists. That's right. I've known her a long time since college. She had a very adorable baby who's like a little fatso. She's very precious. Yes. Just got a Christmas card from her yesterday and all filled with images of that baby. Yes. That baby is very cute. Why did I bring her up? Where was I headed with that?

Receipts. Receipts. Judge Judy. Judge Judy, yes. Okay, so she liked Judge Judy so much that she went to the audience. And so there are several episodes of her in the front row, like making faces. Making faces.

Yeah. Like reacting to what's going on. Like she can't believe it. That actually sounds like fun. I wonder if she still has them. You know what? It sounds like fun until you realize those shows are probably taped like 12 a day. Yeah. And you have to sit there for a full day. Yeah, probably. But like aren't you always upset when all the Judge Judy episodes that day are done? Don't you wish you had like 12? I know. I know. Because they run them 12 a day. They run them 12 a day. Yeah.

Judge Judy, how old is she? How old of a woman is she? It seems like she started as 80. She seems – I mean she's kind of ageless. She's remained – she looks the same. Yeah. Does she have work done? Unless they're just showing old episodes. I haven't really been tracking the show. Do you think Judge Judy has any sort of vanity about her? Does she have – does she like – it will sometimes surprise me the people that –

Look, let's be honest. People – it's obvious when people have work done. Unless it's not and we're just like – that some people are so good at – but you would think the richest people in the world like Tom Cruise and Sylvester Stallone, they'd have the kind that you couldn't be able to tell. But we can tell about them, right? I don't think Tom – do you think Tom Cruise said work done? Yeah. Oh, honey. Grow up. But I wonder if she has any kind of vanity about her or if she's just like, fuck it.

This is the way I am. I think she values truth above all. Right. Because she will often say. Truth in appearance. Truth in appearance. She will often say, don't piss on my leg and tell me that it's raining. When do you think that the first time that happened to her? Man, I think that's. Was she a young girl and someone was like, hey, check it out. I think there was probably a guy thought he could get away with it.

And he started – Hey, shut up. It's just raining. He started pissing on – no, hold on. Let's – here's what I think the scenario was. Why don't you play the role of Judge Judy? OK. And you're standing there. You're waiting for a bus, let's say. You're a young gal. And is my bailiff on this bus? No, no, no. This is before you were a judge. Oh, God. You're on your way to law school as a matter of fact. My first day? It's your first day of law school. Oh, I can't wait to go to law school. You're waiting for the bus. That's exactly what you sound like.

And then there's a man next to you played by me. Okay. And do I know this man or is this a complete stranger? This is a complete stranger. But you don't even see me. Stranger danger. You're not aware of me yet. Are you a ghost? Are you invisible? No, I'm just being unobtrusive. You're in the periphery, but my... But here's how I get your attention. Okay. Got it.

You feel something, a stream of liquid hitting your leg, your bare leg. Just my leg? Yes. And I'm wearing like a mini skirt to go to law school for the first day? Not a mini skirt. But maybe a pencil skirt of some sort. Yeah, sure. Okay. Call it that. All right. I like to get into the – Not a maxi skirt. Not a maxi. No, it's not like a bridal gown either. It doesn't have a train. You're not wearing a bridal gown. No.

To take the bus to your first day of law school. What if I thought that that was what – appropriate for the first day of law school? Like, I don't know. Better wear a bridal gown just in case. I would think you wouldn't last long at law school. Probably not.

It's not for you. Although if you could argue about why you wore it. Oh, well then, head of the class. So. Starring Howard Hespin. Oh, boy. Music by Timbuk3. So you feel this stream of warm water. Sure. On your leg. Yes. Warm water on the leg. You turn. And you smell the smell of urine, one would presume. Sure. And I've had asparagus. Yes.

So you turn, you see me urinating on your leg. Right. Penis out. Penis out. Flying proud. Yeah. At half mast, perhaps. Now you turn to me. What is your reaction at first? My reaction is probably, hey, dude. Hey, dude. Stop peeing on my leg. And I say, oh, it's raining. Okay. All right. I'll give you that.

You believe me? I believe you. You, a young Judge Judy, believe me? Yeah, I believe you. Law student Judy? I believe you. Yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah, it's raining. It's raining. Okay, I get it. But you've seen the evidence of your eyes. I mean, I guess when I think about rain, it usually doesn't rain on your legs first. It's usually the head. No.

That's very true. That's a tip-off. It's an absolute tip-off. By the way, with that title, Don't Pee on My Leg, why is she – Normally – That's the title. That's her book as well. That's the title of her book. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not fucking kidding you. Is that true? Engineer Cody Ryan, could you please look up Judge Judy? Please look up Judge Judy P. Judge Judy book. Just Judge Judy P. And just whatever comes up, we'll watch. Image search.

But no, do you think that it was softened to be like instead of a human man peeing on a head, doesn't it make more sense that it would be head if it was raining?

I don't know. Or was she changing into a dog like a dog pees on fire plugs and legs? And you think she was changing into a dog? Was she transforming into a dog? Like the Shaggy D.A.? Is Judge Judy like a Shaggy D.A. situation where – Is Judge Judy under a curse –

Not a Chinese curse. Not a Chinese curse. But a Shaggy D.A. style curse. Yes. Where she changes into a dog sometimes in the middle of court. Yeah. Can you look that up, Engineer Cody Ryan? Is Judge Judy a Shaggy D.A. curse? And whatever comes up, we'll watch. Whatever happens to come up. We'll watch. Whatever it is. So I think you have a pretty good idea of what the show is from this, right? Yeah, you should. You should. If you're still listening. Yeah.

Okay, so let's get to it. What we're doing today, we've been counting down the top 16 episodes of 2017. Today we're going to listen to 12, 11, then we're going to crack the top 10 and get 10 and 9. And that's very exciting. And...

I got to say, these are good four episodes we're going to be listening to here. So I'm very excited for you all. I really enjoyed the last ones, and these are a good four. So I hope you're going to enjoy it. And we're going to be counting them down sequentially from the highest to lowest countdown style. Right? That's how it goes. That's how it goes. That's how most countdowns go. Engineer Cody Ryan, could you look up countdown style? Yeah.

And we'll watch whatever comes up. We'll watch whatever comes up. Look, if it's an hour-long program, we'll watch it. Whatever it happens to be. If it's an old episode of Countdown with Keith Olbermann, we will watch it. Sure, we'll watch it no matter what. Let's get to it. Let's get to your episode.

First episode on this countdown, and this is episode number 12. Number one, two. All right. All right. All right. Episode number 12. Okay. Now, this is very interesting, Paul. I believe it's very interesting. Go on. Statistically, this is very interesting. This is episode, previous to this, we had pre-Fontaine, meaning pre-500 episodes. That's right.

This is episode 521. This, in fact, is so late. This is the last possible ep that could have been, that was included in our eligibility period. This is episode 521 from November 20th, right before Thanksgiving. The Monday before Thanksgiving. This is episode, an episode called Bing Bong Goodbye. Bing Bong Goodbye.

Bing bong goodbye. Let me talk about who's on this episode. We have the return of John Hodgman. Sure. John Hodgman, who was in our episode number 15, appears again in the countdown with the second of his appearances in this calendar year. Only on the show twice this year and made best of both times. Amazing. We also have Lauren Lapkus. This is her first appearance in the countdown as Todd.

Todd is a character that is my nephew. I can't remember if she ever – if she came in and it was my nephew Todd or – I can't remember why. I think he was your nephew from the beginning. From the beginning. OK. But I think it was a character that she did before Bang Bang. I can't really remember. She does Todd on her Netflix character special and has no relation to me. But we also have John Gabrus as Geno. Oh, did he do Geno for this one? He did Geno for this one. So –

John Gabrus is a wonderful improviser, great funny guy, and he has, with the exception of one live episode, only done Gino on this show. By the way, I saw on Reddit. Why are you there? I don't know. I don't like myself. Get off. There was some discussion about that live episode where John did a different character. This was in England. This, I believe, was in Nottingham?

No, this is not Nottingham. It was the other one that we did. Leeds. Leeds probably. I believe it was Leeds. And so he did a character which really – and he told us beforehand –

I believe he told us beforehand. We took him to England. Lauren had to drop out due to a medical emergency. And so we took fan favorite John Gabrus with us. But John does not do multiple characters. And as he was going on the tour, he was like, are you expecting me to do a bunch of characters? I was like, no, you can do Gino the whole time or do whatever you want. And so he on one episode decided he wanted to do a totally different character. Yeah. Except it was going to be.

disguised as a different character. I don't know that I knew that. I can't – I don't think that we talked about it. I can't remember if he told us beforehand. But then as he's doing it, he is dropping hints that he's Gino. OK. There was a discussion on Reddit was that you and I didn't like the character he was doing. And so we essentially shamed him out of doing it. No. During the course of the show. No. It was great. It was funny. I remember that not –

Not being disappointed, but thinking that that character could have been that character the whole show because it was really funny. It was hilarious. Right. Anyway, John primarily on this show does Gino almost exclusively, but Gino is such a funny, fun character. Yeah.

And audience favorite. This is – we don't know if he'll appear in the countdown later, but he certainly – after – I will say after a few years where he was consistently doing good work on episodes that were not voted in, it's a pleasure to see him on the countdown this year. That's right. We also have Darcy Carden, who people know from The Good Place currently where she plays Janet, fan favorite character there.

She is on this episode playing the reprise of her character, Caroline Belinda Carlyle, who I think is a teacher. Although the teaching doesn't seem to come up all that much because we get very off track. Now, this is interesting because this episode –

I remember when it came out, people were like, wow, this is like one of the best episodes this year, but it probably won't end up at the countdown because it's too recent. And I will say it was not even in contention for maybe the first half of voting. It was it was maybe around 20 or so.

And this episode had a very late surge of a lot of people voting for it, shooting it all the way up to episode 12. And deservedly so. I think this is a really fun episode. So let's get to it. This is Bing Bong Goodbye, episode 521 from November 20th. This is your episode 12. Number one, two.

Have the two of you met before, by the way, John and Gino over here? Gino and I have worked together before when I'm in town. Yes. Because I normally have a professional valet. Yes. Oh, okay. Or a squire, I thought, is what I thought I was doing because it's a horse and shit. Right. And the guy downstairs almost fucked me. He tucked a little valet tag right in the horse's butthole. I was like, no, no, no. I know it has no wipers, but you cannot do this. Right. I was like, why was that your first instinct? And you're so casual. Yeah. And don't you think the eyebrows are the wipers of a horse? Yeah.

Yeah, how big are brows on Clydesdales? I couldn't really take notice. They have big, big, bushy eyebrows. They really do. They're like Peter Gallagher style. They're like Groucho Marx. Anyone named Gallagher, really. They're the owls of the equine world. Folks, my name's John Hodgman. You think you know me, but you don't.

I don't ride a Clydesdale. What? I'm a regular. That was a joke. Oh, fuck. Wait, there's an epilogue to this where you say you don't ride a Clydesdale? I'm a regular human being. Oh, that horse is dead, though. I'm just dead. Oh, shit. That wasn't a Clydesdale. Yeah. Oh, no. I've been fucking jamming oats down this thing's gullet the whole time. What the fuck was that that you rode in on? It was a Vespa. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You've been jamming oats down it. That thing might not run. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with our intern Gino, of course, and John Hodgman of television fame. Have you ever been in a movie? I have been in a movie. Which one? Like one of those Guardians of the Galaxy things? Baby Mama. Oh, not Baby Driver, then? No, it was the prequel to Baby Driver. Was that you in Baby Driver? Yeah, that's right.

They're wiping out... They're CGI-ing me in instead of Kevin Spacey. They should, yes. Just take Kevin Spacey out of any movie and then put John Hodgman in. You're also one of the guys in Eyes Wide Shut that's just blocking some nudity, right? Right. Yeah, I'm the nudity blocker in almost all...

Delta Airplane versions of R-rated movies. You're just CGI-ed sipping tea and saying platinum status. Diamond, thank God. Oh, excuse me. 2,000 to Diamond. 2,000 to Diamond. That should be a Neil Diamond song. Oh.

Sorry. Keep it down. No. Shut up. No. I'm doing a show. I need help with my homework. I can't help you with your homework. What are you even studying? I'm studying the Mayflower and shit. I don't know anything about the fucking Mayflower. I have to write a

So write it. Write it. I don't give a shit. You're the one who's supposed to teach me everything. You're my father figure. What about your teacher figure? That's the person who's supposed to teach you everything. I'm supposed to come in with a full report or I'm going to get in big trouble. Well, you should listen in class, young man. Shut up. Let's make sure we leave all this in. I'm sorry, guys. This is my nephew, Todd. He's staying with me. Hey, Todd. I haven't seen you in a hot minute. How are you? You know.

I'm sorry. I have to do it how my uncle says. Hello, Mr. Sir. How are you? Nice to see you. May I kiss your ring? Thank you, Todd. No, because it's a toe ring. I wouldn't recommend kissing it. Nasty. My fingers are too thin. I can hold on to regular rings, even the smallest child size.

Yeah, I was going to say. I have a Claire's girl's belly button ring on my big toe right now. Oh, my gosh. You got that at Claire's. I have a friend who works at Claire's. You do? Yeah, my friend Tracy. Yeah, he's friends with a teenager. He's a little freak, and he won't even hang out with me, though. He hangs out with teenage girls all the time. Shut up, Todd. No way. You are disrespectful. Well, can you just tell me one fact about Americana and the Mayflower and Pilgrims and Indians?

Just so I can have something to start my paper with. I know that we didn't land on Plymouth Rock, but Plymouth Rock landed on us. Yeah, can you incorporate that somehow? What? That doesn't make sense. A rock landed on us? Yeah, I think it's metaphorical. They had buckles on their baseball hats. What?

All right, I'm putting that in. They like to cinch him up real tight. Fine, I'm putting that in. Put that in. Hey, mister, excuse me, sir. Yeah. Hi, nice to meet you, sir. May I kiss your ring? That would be inappropriate. My uncle said I have to do it to every man I meet. Well, I don't want to have my face erased from every movie, so please stay over there. Okay, whatever. It's already been erased from all but one. It's true.

Well, wait, I was also in Pitch Perfect 2. Oh, sorry, that's right. I forgot. And I think they're going to CG me eye in for Pitch Perfect 2. CG me eye? CG me eye!

They're going to CG me eye in. Just my eye. Just blinking on Elizabeth Banks' forehead. CG me eye. Right, in Pitch Perfect 3. Are you Irish? That's right. They're going to CG me eye into every movie. Yard, they CG'd me eye. I'm not Irish, but I am from New England, so I do know quite a bit about Massachusetts. Yeah, John, this is my nephew, Todd. Hi. Hi, how are you? My uncle locks me in a closet every night. Oh.

That's fine. That's something I need to report. He makes me sleep. It's just discipline. He makes me sleep standing up in the closet. And then as a reward, I get to sleep in the tub. Oh, a reward for what? For being good for a week. If you can sleep standing up, then you can sleep anywhere. I'm training you. That's true. For what exactly? Once he gets in the military. Okay. That's true. They do have him sleeping standing up. This seems like the kind of sick fuck that should go right into the military. I don't.

want to go in the military. I'm sorry, but the minute you're 18, how old are you again, by the way? Oh, middle school. Right. You can't jerk off in military. You get in trouble. I'm sorry, but that's... Just like jail. They put you in jerk-off jail. Oh, you can jerk off in jail. J-O-J. Jerk-off jail sounds pretty good. I did eight hours in a drunk tank and they let me jack off like 15 times. Someone just kept... Well, they made me jerk off 10 times and they let me do five more. Well, you would. As a tip...

Oh, well, you said W-O-U-L-D. Oh, I almost came. Homonyms don't count? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. No homo. I almost came, but then it stopped. Oh, that's the worst. You got to get that one out. That'll go toxic. You haven't gone through puberty yet. Squeeze. Yep. Just pull it out like toothpaste. Do you still have... John, I don't know if you... I'm officially distancing myself from this entire conversation. I don't know if you know this about Todd. No, I don't know anything about Todd. Todd wished himself big.

Oh, yeah. Well, I found a Zoltar machine. I wished myself big. And I got big for a little bit, but then I got back to small and my dick stayed big. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. It's pretty lucky, I guess. So you're aging into your own penis now. Yeah. Every day a little bit older other than that penis. Right. Wait, does your penis also age so you'll have an old man's penis when you're in your 20s? It's honestly really wrinkled already. Well, no, it's got to get hard and then it smooths it out. He's always trying to teach me this.

Right now it looks wrinkled, but then it gets hard, he says. Just give it a chance, he says. Look at this video, he says. Todd.

I'm going to make a quick call. No, no, John. I need you. I need you. You were saying you're from Massachusetts. I really feel like I need to call someone right now. Call my mommy. She abandoned me. Yeah, my sister. Where is she? She just doesn't even care. She was at the carnival one day several years ago. We lost each other because I got big and she didn't recognize me even though I kept saying, Mommy, Mommy, it's me. I'm just large now and old. Wait, you never told me the

That's what happened. That's why you're stuck with me. Yeah. I'm stuck with you, I mean. Well, regardless, I'm not going anywhere. Yeah. Anyway, so she's off. Wait, now, even though your private area is still that of a 35-year-old man. How do you know it's 35? Are you inspecting it? Are you inspecting it? I'm just taking a statistically correct guess. Okay. Okay.

But now you look like a child. You could go back to your mom now. She would recognize you. No. Well, my Uncle Scott, he claims that I'm being captured or being forced to stay with him, but he's captured me. He kept me there. He really wants me there, I guess. She left no forwarding contact info. Yeah, well, I guess you just really love me so much is what it really is. Yeah, I mean, I love you like we all love our families at Thanksgiving, right? I mean, that's coming up, right? How do you love them at Thanksgiving? You know, you're forced to be around them.

Oh, come on. We've had great times. All the movie nights? I wouldn't call those movie nights. We watch his favorite movie over and over again. It's a weird one. Wait, what's his favorite movie? Cocoon. What?

He begs me to watch. It would be kind of the opposite. It would be weirder if it were Cocoon 2 and he'd never seen the first one. I love those old people acting like youngsters. It's weird because your nephew's the opposite. He gets up in front of the TV and dances around and acts out all the parts. That's right. I do the Wilford Brimley diving in the cannonball pool. Do the Don Amici break dance right now. Oh, here we go. I dare you. Oh, wow. Holy moly.

You do have an Amici-like quality to you. Amici-like. Have you guys tried... That's Amici. Have you guys tried getting Todd's genitals into a cocoon-type situation? To de-age it? He did put my genitals in a cocoon. Right. And then it came out as a butterfly? No, I wrapped... He wrapped it in toilet paper that was wet. I did that because you were always...

Taking them out and showing them to people. Taking what out? Your genitals. You're not supposed to do that. Your jennies. We pluralize it, you know, as an adult. My jennies? Yeah. Whip out your jennies. Whip out your 8-6-7-5-3-0-9s. That's what he says.

And then I have to sing 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 9 while I wing it around. I just felt it hit the table leg. Did the knowledge of that song come with your supernatural getting big? I've never heard the song. Did you absorb all of the middle-aged culture that comes with being a weird dad? I've only heard it from him singing it. That's how he wakes up every morning. Well, it's 8 o'clock and it reminds me of it.

I wake up at 8 o'clock. How long do I have this paper? I'm going to be in so much trouble. Yeah, John, what facts do you have? You're from Massachusetts. So what are you studying? The Mayflower? I've got to tell my teacher how America started. She doesn't know. Well, first of all, we didn't land at Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us. Wait a second. That's what I know. The United States was started by a meteor strike. But what about all the Indians and pilgrims? They were never there. Native Americans. Yeah. The pilgrims were the first ones here. There were never any Native Americans here.

So who were the original Americans? We killed them all. Wait, what? Yeah. I'm writing this all down with no context. Here's what happened. A bunch of white people came, saw something that someone else had owned. They said, this is ours now. We're big bullies. Here's some blankets, smallpox. We're going to form some states. Let's get some slavery in here. You could also use this exact essay for the, if your teacher ever asked you about rock and roll. Yeah, exactly. Right. And if they ever asked me about my life with Uncle Scott. Yeah.

He kidnapped me, stole my land. Gave you smallpox blankets. Wrapped me in smallpox blankets. You gave him Manhattan for $32. Missouri wanted to come in as a slave state, so the guys running it were like, we don't want to expand slavery because slavery is a human crime. So what we'll do to make it morally acceptable is we'll admit a free state as well. They had a lot of good ideas. That's how Maine became a state. After that, it's all Newhart and shit. Can you just write my paper for me? You wrote a book.

Yeah, do you mind writing? Yeah. I thought you were writing all that down on the dry erase board. Of course I was. You didn't erase John's other book. All right, here's what you want to do. Oh, shit, I did. What was your other book idea? Do you remember? It was all about becoming Diamond Delta Medallion. I mean, Delta Diamond Medallion. CGM. CGM. I have a cargo card for flying. They put me in the bottom with all the puppies.

Well, it's cheaper. Last time I had to go dookie in a puppy cage. Yeah, well, you know, I'm sorry that you had to be in there with us. It's just cheaper. I don't have the money to, you know, buy you a plane ticket. Where did we even go? You never let me be unblindfolded on your whole trip. Well, you know, it's not a blindfold. It's that doggy costume that I make you wear. We can get you down there. You got to get Todd registered as a service animal because then you can fly him under the seat. Exactly. Just go online.

Get a phony psychiatrist to tell you. To the Universal Life Church? That's right. We went somewhere warm and you were sitting by water. I could hear it moving and you had me at your feet the whole time. And you kept saying, more mocha lattes, please. And had all these people fanning you. That's what I like to drink on vacation is mocha lattes. Nothing like getting out in the sun by the pool and smashing down some chocolate lattes. Just diarrhea. Hot chocolate lattes. Diarrhea juice. He likes to know what it's going to look like coming out. So he

only eat stuff that looks the same as poop. I'll have another bowl of peanut butter and chocolate pudding stirred up. Just like Bob Marley would say. Ah, the land of Irie.

Oprah once said a good poop looks like a brown banana. She also said people fart 14 times a day. I don't know what she's talking about half the time. I get all my 14 out first thing in the morning. That's my move. Yeah. Yeah, then you're not bothered for the rest of the day. Yeah, then I don't have to worry about farting on the plane, train, or automobile. I like to take my time with it and use it when I feel like it to punctuate. Oh!

Oh, that was clutch. You got your ass to that microphone fast. What number is that for you today? Todd just completely spun like the hour hand. Like John Hodgman spinning around in his chair. Yeah, but the other axes. Doing a Dennis Miller spin, but the other way around. It was almost like Superman trying to turn back time. And I am out of here. If I could turn back time.

Another one. That's how Scott falls asleep. I want to remember what I did the night before. Shared down, Jenny up, baby. Well, look, help her out with this while we get to our next guest. Who? Him. Him.

You're such... I like to emasculate you. It's not fair. Look at this. Holy shit. No, that's well over 35 years old, that thing. It's heavy. Good God. Yeah, it's heavy. It's mostly balls. You gotta be 50, 60. Possibly a gym teacher. It gets heavier as you get older, right? Oh, it gets way heavier. They say lead accumulates in your scrotum.

Cool. To protect you from radiation, but it also has side effects of being pretty heavy because lead's one of the densest materials. But Superman can't see through it, so. Right, so it's ideal. Protect your sperm from Superman's eyesight. Right. Because he can count them from a distance and that's the last thing you want. From a distance. Of those X-rays.

That's how Scotty's lunch. When he eats lunch. From a distance. I like to keep my lunch on the other end of the table. As he watches the Postmates track delivery. God is watching us. God.

Todd is watching. Todd, stop singing. Todd is watching us. Todd, shut the fuck up. From a distance. We got to get to our next guest. Sorry. Are you going to be a good little boy? Yeah, daddy. Okay. We need to get to our next guest. This is very exciting and we don't often get a guest of this caliber, all right? I know we have John Hodgman on. He's an author.

I've been in two movies, but this is exciting. Okay. All right. Be on your best behavior, please. I'm putting on my bow tie. Okay. Thank you so much. I was also in movie 43. I played the penguin. Oh, I think. Just let's not. Let's just stick. We'll leave that part out, too. No, you don't. I shouldn't.

Shouldn't be on my IMDb page. You'll have to bring it up. Well, you know, because my wife's joining me on the book tour and I'm going to have her introduce me tomorrow. So I was going to have her say that. From movie 43. From movie 43. That was the only credit you get. You only know him from movie 43? Yeah, that's right. That's how she knows you? That's how we met, actually. She was craft services on movies 1 through 42. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was at the premiere of movie 43 and she was the other person there. So...

We quickly fell in love and became married. I love a good meet cute. That's right. And cute meet cute. Yummy meet cute. Yeah. Don't speak. You can't say yeah. Don't speak? Is that what you're saying? Don't speak. I know just what you're thinking. That's what I sing when I put you to bed. All right. Let's get to our next guest. I know what you're thinking. Good night. That's terrifying. I don't want him to jerk off like he's in the army.

Army rules, no jerk at all. Army rules at my house. Sleep standing up, no jerk at all. That's why I gotta keep doing it in secret. It's getting bad. Where have you been doing it? I can't say. You'll get punished. I'll get punished? Uh-huh. By whom, the neighbors? Yeah, because I'm doing it in their cars. Oh, God. You're breaking into our neighbor's car? No, I'm just doing it in the gas tank. Oh, okay. See how far I can run. Wait, you didn't do it in the Vespa downstairs, did you? Uh, that Clydesdale? No.

Was there a lot of oatmeal in whatever you're jerking off? Big eyebrows, oatmeal. Yep, that's about right. That's our handlebars. Number one, two. Who, baby? Who, baby? Who, baby? Who, baby? Who, baby? What, baby? What child is this? Who, baby, is this? Who, baby? Who, baby, is this? Who, baby? Who, baby?

Well, that was a fun clip. I enjoyed that show. That's... And very recent... Normally, people...

I mean, we've talked about it on the show. Look. Look. We've talked about this before. People vote for the recent episodes a lot of times because they're fresher in the minds. But that said, when they're this fresh, people say, I don't have enough distance from it. Maybe I shouldn't vote for it. But I'm still feeling the effects of it. People loved it so much. It's just from a month ago and it's number 12 on our countdown. I mean, that's crazy. How long is the voting period? About a month. About a month. About a month. About a month.

And good for John Hodgman. Always great. He's been on the show several times but never been in our top – our countdown, I believe. So it's great that he has two episodes. He's made the worst ofs many times. Yep. This is the first time – Just in friendship as well. Oh, yeah. Worst friend of 2017. When we do the Council of Friends meeting every year. We all have to find our hoods. And that to me, since we're only doing it once a year, I'm always like, where did I put my hood, honey? I know. I know.

Just put it in the closet with the winter coats. I know, but, you know, it's easy for you to say. It is. I just said it. But then I toss it off the minute we get back from our Council of Friends meeting and then I don't remember where I put it. Well, you got to – it's like your play clothes versus your school clothes. That's true. Come home. You fold your school clothes. When I come home from the play that I was in. That's right. I'm playing Hamlet. That's right. I put my pontoons away. And you come home to get homeschooled.

Pontoons. Is that something? No. What am I thinking of? Well, I mean, it is something, but it's not something you wear. What am I thinking of? I'm thinking of those like- Pantaloons? Yeah, I guess that's probably, but what am I thinking of with the like flowy, like bulbous- The puffy shorts? Yeah, the puffy shorts. I think those are pantaloons. Are those pantaloons? Pantaloons. Pantaloons. Speaking of pantaloons-

It's time. Oh, I got nothing. There's no way. I quite often start a segue and I can get it in the middle, but that one is tough. You looked at me in fear. That was a tough one.

Um, we can't speak in pantalons. We can't go along with this episode without taking a break. Nope. Okay. No, the reviews are in. We need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have a, Oh, this is great. One of my favorite episodes of the year. Um, when we come back, we are going to have your episode number 11 after this. Hey, Paul. Yes, Scott.

I got to tell you something. I'll listen to anything you have to say. You may want to sit down for this. I will sit down. Put your, what's that thing surrounding the hole in your butt? Your butt. Put your butt down on the chair. Yeah. Consider it done. Because this may blow your socks right up to your nose holes. Support for today's show comes from Audible.

The, wait a minute. Yeah. Audible.com? Audible.com. Yeah. Support comes from them today. They're supporting you? Yes. Can you believe it? I can't. I won't. It defies belief. It defies logic. But somehow they're doing it. Did I tell you what Audible is?

I mean, I know, but pretend I don't. Okay, well, Audible offers an unmatched selection of audiobooks, original audio shows, news, comedy, and more from the leading audiobook publishers, broadcasts, entertainers, magazine and newspaper publishers, and business information providers. Yes, of course. Yes, I know. Everyone knows these things, okay? So Audible is a great place. It's like what I call – when I turn on my computer and I'm flipping around websites, I'm like, there's nothing good on –

Then I say to myself, you've got to remember Audible. It's my favorite website. Now, membership to Audible –

It includes a free audiobook. Oh, I know this. It includes a free audiobook. You know this? One free audiobook a month. Right, right, right. And exclusive sales. Exclusive sales. 30% off or they'll pay 70% for all regularly priced audiobooks. Right, audiobooks, yeah. And unlike a streaming or a rental service, which a lot of these places are, with Audible, you own your books. You keep your books. You keep them. You own them. It's like a reverse library. Right, exactly.

Finally. It's like a library where you get to tell the librarian, hey, leave me alone, you old crone. You old crone, you'll never get married. I'm keeping this book. You're an old maid. It's a wonderful life. It's a wonderful life. An old maid, Mary. She's at the library. She's an old maid. You old building and lawn.

You can access these books anytime, anywhere. No one can arrest you for this. No. Right from your smartphone. Yeah. And we're not saying that you pick up your smartphone and you press a button and then all of the knowledge is beamed into your head like psychically. That is a common misconception. I remember I thought that.

I thought, oh, I'll have the memory of that book in my brain. No, you have to actually read this thing on the smartphone. Yeah, listen to it, whatever you do. You can read it, listen, however you like. Who cares? I don't care what you do. I don't care about you. But right now, Audible is offering our listeners a free audio book with a 30-day trial membership. Now, normally, if you're in the middle of a 30-day trial, you've done something horribly wrong. That's right. And you may be going to jail. Yeah. But with this— And you either have the worst lawyer or the best. Or you've done something so bad that it's lasting that long. Yeah.

But with Audible, it's a dream. You're going to savor each of these 30 days. 30-day dream. All you do is go to audible.com slash bangbang and browse the unmatched selection of audio programs. You download a title for free and you start listening. It's that easy. It is that easy. It could not be easier. There's no way it's that easy. Paul, it's that easy. What if I'm dumb?

That's a good hypothetical. I've never considered this. Yeah, you didn't see that coming. So are you so dumb that when you pick up a smartphone, you think it's like a brick and you throw it at someone? Yeah, me throw a brick. Me throw a brick, me play joke.

Just go to audible.com slash bangbang. Or this is interesting. You can text bangbang to 500-500 and get started today. How does that work? That's insane. I'm going to be honest. When you said this is interesting, I was like, you know, but it actually is interesting. It actually is interesting. Just text bangbang to 500-500. That's insanity. Will it go faster if I just text 1,000? Or 10. That's another way to add them all up.

The five plus five plus zero plus zero plus zero plus zero. You got me. Numerology. Just one. Get rid of that zero and the ten. Yep. Give your book recommendations. Oh, sorry. No, this is what they're asking me to do. Hey, Scott, any books you can recommend? As always, the Bible.

It's the only book you'll ever need. Only book you need. It's a ton of books inside a giant book. If you want to hear what people speak, you've got to check out the Bible. And that girl, my girl Ruth. Oh, dang. Oh, dang. How about the song Solomon, my favorite song? Oh, dang. If you want to figure out what's going to happen in 2018, Revelations. Dang.

You can use... Go to audible.com. You can use... Where did that come from? I don't know. I'm trying to figure out the... You can use your computer to go to audible.com. Sure. Hey, hey, you saved it. Thank you. Go to audible.com slash bang bang or text bang bang to 500-500 to get a free audio book with a 30-day trial today. Audible, listen to your books. Yeah.

Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. No, it's not the beginning of the show. That's not Reggie Watts. You got tricked, you idiot. You dumb motherfucker. I hate you. Ah, good Reggie Watts impression though, you have to admit. Thank you. Um, no, I'm talking to myself and saying you have to admit. Um,

So welcome back to The Countdown. We're counting down the top episodes of the year, Paula F. Tompkins and I. And we just heard from Bing Bong Goodbye, the first episodes of Lauren Lapkus and John Gabrus on The Countdown. And now we are going to go to a great episode. I was very excited to record this. This is your episode number 11. Number one.

Number 11. This one goes to 11. Yes, thank you, Nigel Saint. Nigel Tufnall. Tufnall. Is that what it was? Who's the Gibbons Saint? David Saint Hubbins. Gibbons Saint Gibbons. No, not Gibbons. What? You're not Gibbons all the time. When do you think that I last saw Spinal Tap, by the way? Would it surprise you to know? Probably about three weeks ago. Two months ago. Oh, really? Is that true? Yes. And I can't remember the names. I haven't seen it in years, darling. Really, really. It's one of my favorites. Holds up.

It's amazing. Okay. Did I say number 11 yet? Yeah, you did, man. Okay. So we got talking about Spinal Tap. Okay. Okay. Okay. They fuck you at the drive-thru. That's another movie I just watched. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why did you watch that? Two separate projects. I watched Spinal Tap for one project and I watched Lethal Weapon 2 for another. Wow.

This is an episode that I was very excited to record. This is episode 514 from October 16, a month before the last episode that we just heard a clip from. This is an episode called The Calvin's Twins Return. Oh, sure.

Now, three and a half years ago. Can you imagine? Can you even imagine a world where it was three and a half years ago? I don't even – I mean there are babies who are younger than this episode. Yeah, we're three and a half years in the future now. There are babies who have babies younger than this episode. There are grandchildren being born every day. Now, you may be wondering why – and please give us a grandson. Yeah.

Please. Would it kill you to give us one grandson? When are you going to give us a grandson? Make it a masculine child. You may wonder, hey, this is the best of 2017. Why are you bringing it up three and a half years ago? Well, three and a half years ago, we recorded, in my opinion, a classic Comedy Bang Bang episode. I believe it was episode 150 or something. I mean, it's like very early. That's fucking –

And this was Taron Killam, whom people will know from Saturday Night Live, had a four-year tenure I believe on that show. And Paul Britton, whom people may also remember from Saturday Night Live, had about a year on that show. They –

I don't know whether they were friends before SNL, but they certainly are great friends now. And they love to improvise together. They love it. And three and a half years ago, they did an episode called The Calvin's Twins. And the story behind that episode was –

we didn't know anything about what they were going to do. They hadn't talked about it previous to the episode. And prior to the episode, they looked at each other and said, well, what do you want to do? And I believe it was Taryn who said, maybe we could do like people who own horses. I think maybe that was the extent of it. Maybe even horses.

People who are horse promoters. Maybe they have that much. I don't I don't even know that they have that much. The episode that they did was one of the more insane episodes that we have ever done. The the improvising details. I think I've talked about this before, but when they did those characters on the comedy bang bang television show.

I asked our writer's assistant, Caroline Anderson, if she could listen to the episode and type out the plot because we couldn't remember all of the details. And it's one of the most insane documents I've ever received, this email, which had all of the Calvin's twins' details of everything about their business. But they are promoters of horse fighting. Right.

They own horses that do horse boxing matches to the death. That's right. And they have presided over thousands, tens of thousands of horse deaths over their career. And they have a place that they do these horse deaths, these horse fights, the Calvin's Twins Bee Honey Horse Farm, I believe. Yeah.

And all of this was improvised. They had not talked about any of it as much of this show is. We normally don't talk a lot about what we're going to do on the show. We just – everything is improvised. And this was one of the more fun episodes that we've done. Now, they –

A lot of times. But now, hold on a second. Yeah. What you were describing was the first time they were on. That was the first one, three and a half years ago. Yes. So they're playing the same characters coming back. One would think that it was so popular we would do at least one a year or something. But for some reason, we've never done a sequel to it. Taron had a film coming out this last October. Killing Gunther. Killing Gunther. And so I asked him, hey, do you want to do an episode? And he said, yeah.

What if we did a sequel to this? And it was as easy as just asking them. They said yes. And Terrence said, hey, could we also have Ryan Gall whom we all heard – Also in Killing Gunther. Because he's in Killing Gunther, we could have Ryan Gall being a rival horse promoter.

So that was all that we talked about before the episode, and it again became one of the crazier episodes that we've ever done. So let's hear – this is just a clip of it. I recommend you go back and listen to the entire episode because it's a delight the entire time. This is your episode number 11. This is the Calvin's twins return. Number one, one.

Welcome back to the show, guys. Thank you for having me. Pleasure to be here. I'm feeling tickled, pickled, right-rickled, and... Tickled! And Jack McNickled. Oh! I didn't see that one coming. So you feel Don Rickled as well as Jack... Well, I'm jabbering and gibbering and burning and singing and zapping and... Before we get into all that, I brought you a fresh, fresh jug of cowfin twins beer.

Bee Farm Horse Fightin' Field honey. Oh my God. Put that on your toast. That is heavy. My goodness. You put that right there on your toast. That's a five gallon jug of honey. Is this a lifetime supply, would you say? That sounds like a sad lifetime if you only go through five gallons. You better be scooping handfuls by the end of this episode. I apologize. Drink it down. Coat the throat.

throw? Okay, certainly. I have been known to get a touch of laryngitis here and there, so I appreciate this. Oh, that'll take care of it. You're using your pipes for a living. Yes, exactly. Talking on this podcast. And I use my pipes at home as well whenever I take big shits, so that's... Ha ha ha ha!

Can I pour it down there? Will it help with that? Please put it in your bottom, yeah. It declogs, triptrogs, flipflogs, sits on logs, hops round frogs. This honey will take care of everything. It's interesting that... All purpose. Yes, it's interesting that frogs sit on logs. I mean, that's very convenient. It's true. It's like humans should sit on bloomage if you like a soft rice. So...

So guys, welcome back to the show. Thank you for having us. It's such a pleasure to be here. I have not seen neither hide nor hair of you, and that's a horse term. Well done, well done. We've been back in the saddle. You know how busy we are promoting fights. Certainly. Attending births. Yes. Burying horses. That's right.

That's right. Last time you were on the show. Getting horses out of the dead horse freezer. Because we have a backlog. I mean, it's gotten so complicated because now there's a thawing process. Before we would dig, we would bury the horses straight out the freezer. Right. And they were freezing the ground. They were killing the crops. Oh, I see. The crops were getting frozen from underneath. I see. Due to the just giant block of frozen dead horse. Huge frozen horse blood seeping into the manure. Yeah.

Let me explain exactly what these guys do. Chico Hands and Bevor Hopox. That's me. And you're known as the Calvin's twins. That's right. You guys are twins. My brother from another mother from the same parents. Same parents.

Father and mother. Born at the same time. Yeah, that's right. Right. Shoulder to shoulder. Shoulder to shoulder? Shoulder to shoulder, right out of mama. We came out sidewise, like a red rover. How did you guys fit? Let's just say our manners came late to us. Because day one, it was me first, me first, me first. And we just...

and shouldered our way out of that lady hole. That's right, came at the same time. We do everything together. Yeah, that must have been very painful for your mother. Oh, she complained. She complained. Do it.

Killed her spirit. Killed her spirit and her sex life. And what about her body? Her body stayed around. Stayed around. She passed away, sadly, during one of our most famous horse fights. Oh, that's right. We talked about this last time. Yes, you famously remember. Our McGregor Mayweather of fights, if you will. That's right. Right, it was Randy the horse, as I recall. Yes, she was trying to protect him. That was her favorite horse.

That was the Muhammad Ali of horses, as I recall. He still is. He is. He's still around. Randy the Horse is still around. Well, he's still got that title. Oh, okay. The Muhammad Ali of horses? I didn't realize that was an actual title. It is a title, yes. Okay, wow. That's how we branded him. Muhammad Ali was the Randy the Horse of guys. Just guys, not even boxers. Just fellas. Just good guys. Just in terms of...

His demeanor. So guys, you, of course, these are fights to the death and that's why there are so many horse deaths on your consciences and so many menacin.

burials and a big backup of these. And now there's a thawing process. Yep. You get them at room temperature? Do you try to get them hot like a steak? It's a seasonal thing. You know, you can get a bit cooler corpse in the wintertime, but that corpse is going to heat right up in the summer. In the summertime, so you don't have to worry about it. But...

What did you say? Something about a... Oh, I was wondering if you, when you thaw them, do you try, is it like a microwave process where you're just trying to get them room temp or... Well, we try to... Ground temp. Yeah. Ground temp. We did try to construct a horse microwave big enough. Yeah, that's true. And you know I'm a tinkerer. Sure, of course. Can I go into my workshop?

Do you know how to make an actual microwave, let alone a horse-sized one? I read a book, and I took apart an old microwave. You did a fabulous job. Which book was this, by the way? A book about making microwaves. What was it? Do you remember the title of it, though? Oh, gosh. Microwavery? Making microwaves? No, that was right. It was about how to make popcorn, and so it didn't help me one bit. A whole book on that? Yep.

I'm stuck with all these parts and these screws, and I put it together. It looked kind of like a microwave, but it didn't do anything. Sure, had the shape. Right. You got the box part. Yeah, it was a rectangle. I would think that would be the easy part of making a microwave. You'd think. The shape of it. You'd be right. It was very simple. I implore you. If it sounds so simple, please have at it and ship us a horse microwave because we could use one.

I'm not saying that I could do the other parts of it. I just, the basic shape seems like that's step one. All right, yeah. So I did the easy part? Yeah. All right, I get that. Step two may be attaching a movable door. That would be slightly harder than making a... Yes, I did that too. You did that as well. With a hinge. Okay, and then... Big ol' hinge. Did you lead horses in? I mean, you can't do that to water, but can you lead them into a horse-shaped microwave? That's a clever phrase there. You can't make them zap.

That's right. You can lead a horse to an oversized microwave, but you can't make them zap. You can't make them zap. You can't nuke them. Especially if it's not functional. Yeah. Well, also, you can't make them zap because the buttons are on the outside. Yeah. So you lead a horse to an oversized microwave, you can't make them zap. They're inside the microwave. That's right. Also, you forgot the part where we weren't.

Trying to cook live horses. Nah, just thawing. We were reheating, thawing frozen dead horses. I did forget that. We're not cruel. Yeah, we're not monsters over here. Have you ever thought about making a giant microwave, oversized microwave with buttons on the inside so people could go in there and cook themselves? Oh. People, horses, whatever you want. Wow.

Like that might be if there were ever a horse who wanted to forfeit a match instead of being killed, you could say you can forfeit, but you'll have to go inside. And you enter a four-digit code. Right. Make your peace with horse guard. Like 6969. That's a good one.

You get in there and zap yourself. Yeah, I've never, I didn't bring this up. You guys are very short. You guys are, how tall are you? About four foot nine in lifts. That's right. Yeah, and how big are the lifts? Well, look at them. Oh my, those are giant. Yeah, so you guys are about half a jockey apiece. Yeah, I was a jockey myself. That's that, that was, I was, I did, I performed in one race. Mm-hmm.

The horse let me down, I swear. I swear I'll kill you, horse. Wait, so this has all been a revenge play? No, no, that was just a racing horse. Okay. But it was the spark of an idea. It was the spark to the flame. Yeah. You guys are so short, in fact, that you would have to get on each other's shoulders and put like a mini trench coat around each other just to like audition for the movie Willow.

We did. Really? Yeah. We did that very thing. I don't know why I thought of that. Were you spying on us? It was not a big pot. It was for vodka, the warrior. I don't know if you remember. I don't remember. They went ethnic.

I saw it opening night and then I've never seen it again. Got it, yeah. Vodka, well, you know, there weren't a ton of lines, but there was a great scene at the crossroads. Oh, right. When Matt Bodigan introduces himself and he's in the cage at the crossroads. Okay, right. And it was a very, very tender scene where Willow

And his best friend decided to stay behind and take care of the daiquiri baby. Oh, I see. So who would have gotten to perform the head parts of those scenes? Chico. Chico would have done it, really. That's right, yes. He did a wonderful job. Even though you seem to know so much about it. Yeah, I'm unfamiliar with the movie entirely. I was the one who was off book, you know, reading, reading, reading all the books. Oh, so you were whispering. He would say the lines right up my pooper. I'll be right. Essentially, because that's where I was. Willow, if you want, we'll stay behind.

Willow, if you want, we'll stay behind. One wonders why you didn't just switch if you knew the lines. It's because... Camera shy. I can't. I get all tongue-tied. I get all bashful. Get all fumble-jumble-y. I start getting flushed like a bleeding horse after a one-two combo punch to the horse mouth. Oh, my gosh. Well...

Well, this is fascinating, guys. I mean, I got to go visit your stadium at some point. Are there luxury boxes? Yes, there are. State of the art. Yeah. We spent a billion dollars on luxury boxes. Anyone ever sit in them? Not once. Not one time. Do you have to, like, stock up the food on them? We haven't been back inside. There's been no need. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I hope that fridge is still, that mini fridge is still working. I don't know. We haven't checked on it. Why spend a billion dollars and then only make a mini fridge? Get a regular one. Yeah, no, you make some good points. Is this just because of you guys' stature? To us, a mini fridge is just a fridge. Maybe we were duped. Yeah. So to you, like, mini me is just me. We call him me. Vern Troyer. Yeah.

So, guys. It's confusing. It's very confusing. So if you're ever like, no, me, you're talking about Verne Troy. Always. Okay, great. Okay. I'll keep that in mind for the rest of the episode. If we're referring to ourselves, we always say I. Okay, but me. Hand I that cookie. So when you went to see the film Me, Myself, and Irene. We were very disappointed. And disappointed. We were so.

We were confused. The ticket taker was baffled. Because then you have Jim Carrey, who's one of the taller movie stars. Yes. Yeah. He's a lanky fellow, and there's no Vern.

And then there was no us. Right. Yeah. You expected to be in the film with Verne Troyer. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. What about- We did audition for it, actually. Oh, you did? We did audition, yeah. Did you get on top of each other? Yes, we did. Put on a trench coat. What are some of the audition lines that you used on that? Were you off book for that as well? Certainly, yeah. Well, he helped me out. Yeah, well, we auditioned for the lead role. That's right. Really? Of what was his name again? Me. Oh, right. Yes. Yes.

So you auditioned for it, but when you saw it, you were surprised that Verne Troyer did not get the role. It didn't make sense to us. Again, I get all caught up and opportunity presents itself, and I wasn't thinking straight. I can imagine you left the audition just saying, well, I assume Verne Troyer will get this role. We assume that every time, yeah. Do you audition a lot? You've been on two auditions just in passing anecdotally. Not as much as we used to. No, yeah.

Not too frequently. Right. How frequent is frequent? Because I know you have your horse fights in the morning and in the evening. Yeah, so we don't much get an opportunity. We don't much have the time for it. It's been a number of years, actually, since an audition. We would sort of set time aside in the year. Yeah. We'd give ourselves a couple months around pilot season. Okay, right. Set up shop at the Oakwoods. Oakwood apartment. Right. Right.

Were you at the Oakwoods when they burned down Griffith Park? Those kids set off the fireworks and burned down Griffith Park? Yes, those kids did it. Those kids. Yes, the kids did it. Wait a minute. Those kids. I guess they just said they were kids because they were approximately three feet. Yeah. Anything's possible. Only kids like fireworks. We'll never know. Okay. Okay.

This is very exciting because before the break, we heard some amazing news, which is that Bisbee St. Hancock himself has challenged the shameful boys here to a horse off. When I take all. Yeah.

Winner take all. Winner takes the industry. I don't know what this means, but let's hear exactly what it means because you guys have been – I have to say you turned as pale as a ghost or a white mouse, I guess. Almost as if you were afraid of the very notion of a horse-off. Oh, no, no, no. We're not afraid of nothing. No.

We ain't afraid of a goddamn thing. I've never heard language like this. We ain't afraid of motherfucking nothing. Whoa, Chico. Up in this pit.

Peace. Chico, Chico, please. All right, Chico. Please, please. Can someone explain what a horse-off is and what is the procedure for a horse-off? I think we can all do that. You guys are going to do it in unison? That's right. Or are you going to switch off sentences? It doesn't make sense to switch off. We'll do it at the same time. We're just going to do it at the same time. A horse-off.

is a competition between two or three horse-fighting promoters when the industry is at risk because of hostile competition. Each promoter will take...

Three horses to church. To church. Have them baptized. Baptized.

Bring those horses to an open field at sunrise. Now, don't forget about the snacks. The sex? Snacks! Snacks! Oh, okay. But also, don't forget about the sex. Who's having sex?

Each of the promoters will bring one companion to all

Female. But hopefully female. Okay, you guys don't need to bring that. It can be very, you know, let's not get into homophobic stuff and the rules of a horse off, all right? It's an old, these are old rules. These are old rules. They can be amended. They're a little backwards. Anyway, continue. Now, as we were saying...

One companion in the field will lie down under one horse promoter. Okay, yeah, okay.

I feel like we're only halfway through this. Oh, barely. We have not scratched the surface. Okay, we'll continue then. I don't need to interrupt. The promoter and companion will consummate the event. Both must have reached climax before the bottom of the sun has pierced the horizon. Hmm.

So both must have... So you got to find someone who can have an orgasm on both sides. Male or female. Male or female, yeah. Preferably female. But hopefully. Okay, you guys don't need to reiterate it if you disagree with...

And basically at sundown. At sundown, by the time, so you get there at sunrise. After climax. Oh, you're continuing. The three promoters and six horses sit in silence for the remainder of the night. If anyone makes a sound, they lose.

Okay, let me see if I can get this right. It's very simple. So you take two or three horse promoters.

They then take a horse apiece to church where they baptize the horses. They take three horses. They take three horses. Three horses apiece. Oh, three apiece. Okay. So with you three, it's nine horses. Yes. Right. You take them to church. Does it matter what type of church? Does it have to be – Episcopal. Episcopal. Okay. Episcopal. Has to be Episcopal. Okay. Okay. Okay.

And they have to have, I guess, a tub or tank big enough for— A hose is acceptable. For a horse baptism, a hose is okay. A hose is fine. We don't want to make this more complicated than it is. Okay. So after the baptism around sunup, you guys go to an empty field. At sundown. At sundown. At sundown.

At sunrise. At sunrise. At sunrise. So you have the full day. But you were about to say at sundown. Did you see what I mean, Scott? He calls himself a horse flight promoter. He doesn't even know the rules of a horse. What I was trying to say. He doesn't even know sunrise, sunset. No, I said at sundown. Would that be the wrong time? Okay, right. That would be the wrong time. He was bringing up what time would be the wrong time. Eye roll. Thanks for that. This is an audio medium.

So at sunrise, then one of the horse promoters...

You all bring companions. Yeah. And one of the companions lays... Girls if possible. Sure, we don't need... So one of them lays underneath one of the promoters. They have to ejaculate before the sun goes down. And then you sit in silence... With the horses. With the horses. And if any of you speak... Or make a noise. Or make a noise... Including the horses. Including the horses, you're disqualified. Correct. You lose. Okay.

And it's process of elimination, meaning once one is done, it's hands on a hard body style. I don't know if you know anything about that, Bisbee. Never heard of that. We auditioned for that. Oh, you did? And then they told us it's a documentary. For the musical. Oh, that's right. Let's hear some of the songs. I mean. My hand, my hand, my hand is on the truck. My hand on a body gotta get my hand on a.

Hard will, Melvins, wait for me. Is this the best thing for me? Am I gonna win this car or lose my... Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Hamilton. And you didn't... So they say Hamilton at the end of that song. Very interesting. I feel like Beva could have gotten the job, but maybe Chico... You're camera shy. You didn't get it? No, he's the real... He's the on-screen talent. Well, you both have just lovely singing voices. Oh, we appreciate that. Yeah. So, um...

So once one is eliminated, then the other two are in competition. And then once the second person is eliminated. So I'm actually giving them an advantage by letting them both do it. By letting them both do it. Yeah, because as long as you get out, then they probably don't care who wins. I don't mean to speak for you. Do you care who wins? That's the problem with this challenge. Only one walks away with the business. Right. And it's winner take all. When you say winner take all, what do you mean by that? You abomination. You.

You trying to drive a wedge between me and my dear, great, beloved, best friend and brother? I would never. I would never. It's not going to happen. Try a different strategy, idiot. Okay, well, strong words from Chico Hands, a.k.a. one of the shameful boys. No! Sorry. That's all right. You're not Captain Shameful, though. I'm Jones Calvin. You know who I am.

Well, you know, once you're challenged, you have to take the challenge. You have to take the challenge. That's the rule in the horse industry. When you say winner takes all, what do you mean by take? What is all? Whoever loses will pack up and leave the horse industry forever. Wow.

So the winner then gets to take over, in your case, who would be a $7 billion. I'd get there. I'm assuming there's no debt. Well, it's practically all debt, actually. We're on a payment program. We've done an offer and compromise with the IRS. This might be a good situation for you guys, by the way, to get out of a sticky situation. I will never walk away from horse fighting. I'm never going to walk away. Okay, I'm just saying. Like, like,

He's offered you a lifeline here. Like 50% of the horses who participate in a horse fight, I will not walk away. Right. You'll end up in a horse microwave at some point. Gladly. And push the buttons myself. 69-69 right there.

Well, um... I have one of those, by the way. You do? I do have a horse microwave. I built it myself. What? Wow. Not possible. I did. I have it. I use it. And that's why I don't have the backup that you guys have. Another reason I could handle this industry more efficiently. So when does this take place? I mean, uh...

And what field? Is it a field of both of your choosing or – Christmas Day. Christmas Day. Wow. OK. So – Christmas Day field. Christmas Day field.

On October 31st. 31st. That's right. Christmas Day Field on All Hallows' Eve. All Hallows' Eve Road. Do you have to dress up for this in a costume? I probably will. Appreciate it. You don't have to. Be festive. But it's easier to go to your Halloween parties if you dress up previously. That's right. Are the losers really going to feel like going to Halloween parties afterwards? There's no better way to rebound from losing a horse off. Yeah, lift your spirits up.

Bob literally knows that.

Well, so this is coming up. Wow, this is incredible. I still take Umbridge. Yeah, I figured. Umbridge is the name of one of our horses. Oh, really? So he's going to take Umbridge to this horse shop? Sorry, yeah, no, I was just taking Ross. Definitely take Umbridge. I'd take a fence. Okay, wait, just a fence so that the horses don't get away? That's right, I'll take a fence and I'll put it up. Well, I do appreciate that despite our differences.

I want to appreciate the consideration of the horse's safety. I'm a gentleman. Number one. Ah, yes. Very funny. That was Ryan Gull as Bisbee St. Hancock. Now, did these guys go back and re-listen to that episode? I don't believe so. No. As a matter of fact, none of us did, I believe. And I actually forgot their catchphrase.

You gotta laugh, which is so important to the first episode because they're talking about how when you see that many horse deaths in your career, you gotta laugh. That can be your only reaction. You gotta laugh. And that became their catchphrase, you gotta laugh, so much so that we have T-shirts. We have Calvin's Twins T-shirts in the store currently that are for their Bee Honey Horse Farm, and their tagline is you gotta laugh.

I hadn't listened to it. I forgot that. I normally would pimp someone into saying their catchphrase. Right. I forgot it so much so that Taron said it as the very last line of the episode. The whole episode went by without him saying it. And I was like, okay, thanks, everyone. Goodbye. And he said, you got to laugh. And we stopped and I said, I forgot. I've totally forgotten you got to laugh. We would have said it way more.

That is, of course, Taron as Beaver Hopox and Paul as Chico Hands, the Calfins twins. And Rheingold as Bisbee St. Hancock. They were all in charge of their own names. In charge of their own names. Yeah.

All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have one of the more classic Comedy Bang Bang pairings, and we're going to crack the top 10. This is very exciting. All right. Let's come on back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hi, Scott. Hi, Paul. Hey, do you know about this podcast called Throwing Shade?

I'm stupid. No. Oh, well, it's great. And I give you a piece of paper with some statistics about it. Well, let me read this. Okay, dumb-dumb. Do you listen to Throwing Shade? I do. I listen to it every week. Why?

I love it. That's a great reason. I feel like Brian Safi and Aaron Gibson are like my friends. They're like your friends that you wish you had, but they hate you. They don't like me. And so you listen to them instead of having the real friends. Yes. I've met them. They've made it clear to me. They do not care for me. They have a perimeter that you are not allowed to cross. Yes. Let's say they've gone to the police and they've enforced this. No, no, no.

Maybe 30 yards. That's right. But no one can be in jail for listening to a podcast. Although I would like to create some laws in 2018. I bet you would. But you got to catch me. I'm not going to do my bad. Well, Throwing Shade is the political comedy podcast hosted by Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi, who deliver their fresh takes on pop culture, women's rights and LGBT rights with hilarity.

And quite honestly, if I'm being honest, vulgarity. Scott, thank you for being honest because it is true that they are very vulgar in a fun way. They're distasteful but in a fun way of like, I'll allow it this one time. They talk about orifices and you're like, I don't want to hear about that. But then you hear them do it and you're like, that's pretty funny. It's pretty good. Yeah. Can I tell you they just released their holiday special? I understand there's a number of special guests on that. And I understand some people were not invited. Yeah.

That is my understanding as well. Guests like Jessica Chaffin. Sure. Calpurnia Adams, Dave Holmes, and Matt McConkie all stopped by to enjoy the holiday spirit on this Christmas episode. I had Jessica Chaffin back a couple times now. That's great. Apparently –

Our schedules are impenetrable to their inquisitions because – Well, look, they're not going to ask you, but they – Why wouldn't they ask me? Well, you know. But I did the show before. I don't know. I think you know. But I've done their show before, and they pretended to have a great time with me. They did pretend. You're right. And it was quite obvious when I listened to it. But you're not going to want to miss this one, Paul. Listen and subscribe to Throwing Shade on Stitcher –

Apple Podcasts? Or, quite honestly, after that, I don't give a shit. Yeah. I would say wherever you listen to podcasts. Wherever you listen. Throwing shade! Throwing shade! Yeah!

Get a job. Hey, welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. Paul and I, we're doing what we do every commercial break, which is sing Shauna Na songs. We sing Get a Job in its entirety during every break. Every break. And this one ended a little sooner than we expected. Yeah, sorry. So sorry about that.

Hey, you know what? Speaking of Sean and I, that brings us to our next episode on our countdown. We're cracking the top ten. And I mentioned this is a classic comedy bang-bang pairing. You did. I remember you saying that. And I mentioned Sean and I. What could it possibly be? This is your episode ten. Number ten. All right. Episode ten. This is episode 518, a mere four episodes after our previous episode.

This is from November 6th. Again, very late in the year. Very recent. Very recent. Just a mere month and a half ago, or actually now at this point almost two months. This is an episode called Corndog, Horndog. And this is the classic comedy bang-bang pairing of Jason Manzoukas and Andy Daly. There we go. And this was – you know, Jason –

Loves to do the show. He loves it. Is this the first Jason Manzoukas episode that we've heard? Yes, it is. The first appearance of Jason Manzoukas on our countdown. He loves to do the show. He loves to do it with different people. He quite often will text me and say, hey, can I get an episode with Paul coming? That happened once. More than once, my dear. I'm getting around.

He'll say, hey, I'd love to do an episode with such and such person, but there's something about the me, Jason, Andy episodes that we've done quite a few of them. We used to do them on the hundreds. We did them on episode 200 and 300 and 400. That's right. And we tried to do it for episode 500. Couldn't do it. And Andy was in Scotland. That's right.

Doing the festival. Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He was gone for a long time. We tried to squeeze it in. We couldn't get it done. But Andy said, hey, when I get back, I definitely want to do one. And Jason agreed to do it. And it's always fun to do episodes with these two people. We've been doing them since very early on in the run of Comedy Bang Bang, since the 70s or 80s.

I don't mean the 1970s or 1980s. You understood. You saw on my face that I was confused. I saw on your face and I wanted to slap it. Oh. I was just like, oh. Ah! Why? You deserve it, you fucking piece of shit. How dare you?

Now, this episode, Andy sometimes – throughout the early years of Comedy Bang Bang, he would primarily come with a character that he had worked out on stage. Yes. A lot. Yes. So the Bill Carter trainer to the stars, the –

Danny Mahoney. Danny Mahoney. All of these were ones that he had done live on stage quite frequently. Yes. At a certain point, he ran out of those. And so he started doing new characters. And that's what we have on this episode. This is someone that he had been thinking about doing ever since he had been in the previously aforementioned. Do you have to say previously when you say aforementioned? It's probably just aforementioned, right? That's right. That's like saying more unique, right? Mm-hmm.

You seem like all the light has gone out of your eyes. Well, this is, you know, when we get into the nuts and bolts, I just get bored. You're not interested? No, I'm back. I'm back. You're back. All right. So he had been thinking of this character in the aforementioned Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and this is him doing a Scottish accent. This is Andy playing –

This is Andy playing Cameron McGonagall, who has a very interesting business that he does in Scotland. So let's hear a little bit of it. This is your crack in the top 10. This is your episode 10. Number 10.

You work in the tourist... Do you work for a specific company or for yourself? No, I don't. No, yes. And I'm here to promote myself because I don't belong to the tourist company or anything like that. I am an independent businessman. I've got my own company. Small business. A small business, that's right. How many employees do you have? Well, it varies, but it's like I'm the only one that's always there and then I've got every once in a while some people that help me out and whatnot. Sure. What I do...

I'll give ghost tours of Edinburgh. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's right. That's fun. That can be a lot of fun. We have those here in the States as well. Have you got ghost tours here? We do, yeah. What, you didn't know you had them? People, you go to places that are considered to be haunted. Right. That have spooky ghost stories and sometimes the tour people tell stories about the beheadings and stuff.

Oh, that's right. That's brilliant. That's what we do as well. Yeah. Yeah, but our ghost tour, it's not places that are like, what did you say, supposed to be haunted. These places are haunted. I'm telling you, there's ghosts everywhere.

It's ghosts all over the city of Edmonds, but it's an old city. It's fun. Yeah, exactly. No, I mean, I'm telling you that it's ghosts and there's people, because people have been living there for a long time since like Roman times. And so there's a lot of people have lived there and a lot of people have died there and all of them have turned into ghosts. It's nothing but ghosts. Okay, that's not specific. All of them have turned into ghosts. That's right. Everything.

single person who's ever died in the city of Edinburgh. That might be specific to Scotland. That's a ghost. That would be an overwhelming amount of ghosts, I would think. It's ridiculous. I mean, frankly, it's ridiculous. Because what percentage of people turn into ghosts in other countries? Like in the United States? I think a very small percent. You think it's like 1%? 1 to 3%, I would say. And why do you think it is? It's because they have an unfinished business? That's what a lot of people think about ghosts. I would assume. Do you think that's the case, that everybody in Scotland has unfinished business? I think that's probably right. Yeah, because it's...

It's hard to get things done in Scotland. You know, the weather is always changing. Sure, and there's like a month and a half of vacation. That's right. I would have done it if the sun was out and then it started to rain. I couldn't get it done and whatnot. So you think a lot of ghosts are hanging around for sunny days to get stuff done that they weren't able to get done in life. I think that's about right. You know, you need to fix the shutters and you need to get up there and re-thatch the roof and whatnot. So you think a lot of ghosts are doing manual labor around the house? Well, it's a lot of little projects and whatnot. Do you ever wake up and walk out to your house and go, oh my God, someone fixed the shutters in the night?

Yeah, well, that's what they do. And what it would be then is a former resident of your home who had died. Right. And it's now a ghost. And it's got sort of this like to-do list of things they've got to get to. Can they do it themselves? Can they perform the tasks themselves? Or are they trying to influence humans to do it? You're asking the really good questions, because that's what they've got to do. That's what we do on the show when we talk to interesting people. We try to think of interesting questions. Oh, that's a great one. Not because that's true. Interesting people...

Talking to interest, interested people talking to interesting people. This is good. You guys are interested and I'm interesting. Yes. But listen to this. I'm also interested. Isn't that something? Wow. Right. And are we interesting do you think? No. Oh, okay. No, that's what's interesting. I think that's why people probably fast forward the first section. Probably. Right. So answer the question.

I will. So a ghost can certainly pick up a ghost hammer. What is a ghost hammer? That's no problem. What do you mean by that? A ghost hammer, it's a ghostly hammer. You know, if a ghost wanted to fix a ghost house or something like that, or if he wanted to hit another ghost, let's say, God forbid. So wait, wait, ghost house. Do ghosts have houses of their own that are ethereal constructions?

Right. They do. Oh, okay. They do. And we can't see them. If a ghost is... Let me just, very quickly. If I was to be living in Scotland and in my house... Which you can't do. I mean, you're welcome to visit. But you've got to get on the fucking bus. You've got to get back on the fucking bus and go. For sake of argument, let's say I'm Scottish. All right. And I live in Scotland, in Edinburgh, in my own home. My home is haunted by a ghost. Your home, yeah. Now, that ghost, when...

The workday is done hunting. My house goes to his own house? A ghost house? Does that...

basically on the same edifice as the real house? If you were able to see ghostly forms, would you see the outline of a ghost house on top of a real house? The answer is sometimes and sometimes. Interesting. It's not one-to-one. Sometimes you've got a ghost who haunts your house for a job. I mean, that's his job, basically. He punches in, he punches out, right? They have ghost clocks? Of course they do. How is he being paid? Is it an hourly wage? Probably Bitcoin.

It's controversial because they know... Probably BooCoin. I mean, they're paid in ghost money, which I can't spend on things in the real world. It's like Disney dollars. It's a bit... It's like funny money at the strip club. I don't know what that is. Funny money at the strip club. Yeah. What is funny money at the strip club? It's like a strip club. They'll give you... They'll give you fake dollars or something and you pay for them? Yes, yes. I don't like it when things are funny at the strip club. I'm not there to fucking laugh. Yeah.

Anyway. Boy, you got really dark there for a second. Don't go to the fucking... Sometimes they say, as a comedian up at the strip club, they'll try that sometimes. I'm not here to fucking laugh. Your brow is just furrowed and you are... Is it bleeding? Sometimes my brow... You know what I mean? Got so angry. I'll furrow it so much that it bleeds. Yeah, that pimple right in the middle is just like...

Sorry, guys. I don't want to do that. That's okay. Why do you have a pimple right in between your eyebrows? Just touched on something right there. I've been to the dermatologist. He says it's a perma-pimple. Do you know those? Ah, permple. It's a perma-pimple. It's not going anywhere. It's been there 18 years already. Oh, we just take a look and go, that baby's not going anywhere. He says it's not going anywhere. He says we could take out the whole forehead and graft on. Oh, a new forehead. Forget it. It's not worth it. Yeah. Anyway, so Sam goes...

will haunt your house for a little while and then go back to their own house. But a lot of the time, you've got a ghost whose house is in your house. And the bed is like right there on your bed. Or it's like 20% of it is in your house or something like that. Yeah. A lot of crossover. Right. But that doesn't count in the square footage of your house.

You can't count the square footage of the ghost houses. Well, it certainly does amongst sort of like the ghost assayer. The ghost community. The ghost assayer will look at it. So in your business, you are promoting people coming in and going to places where these ghosts live. Are you going to the ghost houses? What I do is, I mean, it's obviously true that there's ghosts everywhere. And for the first, like, five...

For a while, when I did the tour, I said to people, like, you don't need to go to specific places because there's ghosts everywhere. Everywhere around us. And a lot of people say, well, I feel ripped off, you know. So you would take their money. Right. And then admonish them that they don't need to go anywhere. But it wasn't like an admonition. But I take their money. Of course, you take the first.

thing you do at the ghost tour we all meet right at sunset at the wee statue sunset right at sunset at the wee statue of the grey friars bobby there you know the story of the grey friars bobby i don't i don't oh it's a sunsy wee bit dog the grey friars bobby let's hear it they made a movie about him walt disney did but none of that is fucking true at all which movie did they do grey friars bobby no it wasn't wreck it ralph it was a film called grey friars bobby

What was Wreck-It Ralph about? Wreck-It Ralph was about a video game guy who

who's going around from game to game, right? Oh, cool. And he's falling in love or he's getting back at a bad guy going from game to game and wrecks things or something. Oh, okay. I always wondered about that. Thank you. But that's not like an area of my expertise. Sure. Have you ever played video games? I've never played video games. Not a single one? I haven't got time. No, I haven't got time. That's fine. That's understandable. You seem like someone who might be made... How old are you? Well, that's a good question.

I'm 38. Oh, okay. That's fine. So you're of that generation, but maybe it just didn't connect with you. Yeah, no, we didn't have a lot of money. I had a question that I hope you don't mind me kind of sidetracking this a little bit. So what's the movie Zootopia about? Oh, yeah. Well, again, I'll do what I can. I've seen the cover. This is not my area of expertise. But you do know. Well, I've seen it.

somewhat familiar with it. I mean, I've seen the posters and I did see, I think like... You've never seen the film? I've not seen the film. Neither have I seen Wreck-It Ralph. I haven't seen them. I've seen posters as well. I can only suppose what it would be. I've seen it on my Apple TV and I wonder like, oh, should I get this or not? But I wish I knew what it was about. I don't think the poster does a good job communicating what the actual movie is about. So what do you think Zootopia is about? It's about an

Right. Certainly. And they live like in a city that's like a zoo, right? Sure. But what's it about? Well, one of them is a rabbit. That's world building. Right. What's the actual plot? I think it's just about like, can these animals like get along? Yeah.

And adventures. So all the set pieces are just putting animals together and seeing if they eat each other. Well, look, I think one of them is going from video game to video game. Trying to fall in love and trying to get like a bad guy. Maybe, maybe. Cameron, I want to get to your tour. What else happens on these tours? Because you start there at the Statue of the Bobby. That's right. And then are there other scary things that happen? Oh, so many scary things. Well, look, it depends on what kind of a moon we've got.

a full moon and it's bright outside, it's a little bit different because people can see well. But on a night when people can't see anything, then the guy that does the dog, he'll come out of the crypt and he'll get down on his hands and knees and he'll bite a few people on the ankles. Oh, wow. That's right. Is he dressed as a dog? He's just covered all in black. I've got him covered just head to toe in black. So like he's a theater stage cat. That's right. You can't see him at all. And he sneaks up and he bites. And I mean, he really bites. Yeah.

You know, a friend of mine named Stuart, and he just comes up and he just gets right in your ankles and he's got sharp teeth. He sharpens his teeth. Really? That's right. With what? With like a nail file. He sharpens his teeth. Okay. To be more like a dog, because you know, a dog's teeth are sharper than ours. Quite sharp. Quite sharp. Great fact. That's right. So he'll come up and he'll bite a few people on the ankles. Is that the case in Milo and Otis? Milo and Otis. The Disney movie? Yeah.

Their teeth are sharper than people's. Yeah, is that how you got that fact? I haven't seen that. But, I mean, from the poster, I can kind of tell. The only film that I've seen... You've only seen one film? Has been Greyfriars Bobby.

Oh, okay. Because it's connected, obviously. Right. You've not seen any other Scottish set movies. What happened was they had a screening of that film and I saw it and everybody there was so mad because it's total bullshit. Not a fucking thing that happens in that movie. What happened in the

movie oh and that movie is like it's a guy he's a shepherd he's got a dog and he comes into town and he dies and the dog won't leave his side and he doesn't dig up anything and everybody's impressed with him and everybody loves him and he becomes a hero of the town what a shepherd this is the plot of this movie a shepherd comes to town who has a dog right and everyone's impressed with him I don't like it right it's bullshit that's got third act problems and first and second act problems yeah

It's not a good film and it's not what happened with the real Greyfriars Bobby. We should pitch a reboot. Pitch a reboot of Greyfriars Bobby. That's the real story. Right. And maybe Stuart could be in it. Stuart would love to be in it. He's filed his teeth down. Wow. I can't believe he filed. How does the rest of his life work?

The rest of his life? Yeah, and when he's not being... Yeah, how many hours does he work a week or a day? The tour is like, it's a seven-hour tour. Ooh, from sundown to sunup. That's right. Seven hours. It's a seven-hour tour. Spooky. Yeah, because we cover a lot of ground.

Is there like a meal break? Is there... No, there's no meal break. I guess it's the middle of the night, so people aren't traditionally eating, although they're sleeping usually then, which is why they're not eating. Right. Well, we do... We stop in at a few different places, a few different pubs and whatnot, you know, and so you can get a drink and...

Maybe a Scottish egg or Scotch egg? I suppose, but it's no time really. We're in a hurry. How much time do you spend in the pubs? In the pub? We stop into a bunch of... And I'll tell you, quite honestly, the way it works is that friends of mine who own pubs say, well, you bring your tourists around and make them buy a drink. You get a little kickback? I get a little bit of a kickback and we make them buy drinks, you know. Really? We make them buy drinks. How do you make people buy

Well, I tell him, you don't want to get bitten again, do you? Or shoved. Are people just bandaging their ankles at this point? Wait, so you have other people that shove? I've got a few guys. How many people are you employing? Am I employing? To do each tour. It's different every night. Sometimes it's like five or six guys who come along during the course of the night. Stew to bite. Does he have any other duties? Stew to his biting. Stew to his biting.

And then there at Greyfriars Kirkyard, he's also, bloody George McKenzie is buried there. Oh, wow. Bloody George McKenzie. I don't know his story. Well, bloody George McKenzie was a barrister and he was responsible for the death of like thousands and thousands of Presbyterians. And so they buried him there and it is said that if you go and you visit his crypts, you

you might get shoved real hard into a wall. Whoa. No. That's right. By his ghost? By the ghost of bloody George McKenzie. And so now, do you have a friend who is... Stuart does that too. Stuart does the shoving. Stuart's the guy for the Greyfriars Kirkyard. He does the bites.

and he does the shoves. Does he live nearby? He doesn't go travel along with you? He lives there. He lives right there. He lives right there. He lives, to be honest with you, he lives in the crypt, in the bloody joint. Can I ask you a question? Is he a homeless guy? Are these all homeless people that you employ? Well, I don't really ask him too many questions, but I don't know that none of them has ever invited me to their house, let's say that. Right. Right.

That's just sort of a... That's just a trademark of a homeless person. No house invitations. When you found... Could be. When you found all these people that you employ in the different locations... Right. At which they scare people... Uh-huh. Did you find them living in those locations? You...

Usually, yeah. Okay. Those are homeless people. You go there in the daytime and they're there and they're asleep and you say, hey, later on at night, will you be here at night? That's the other thing about homeless people. Always sleeping during the day. Oh, isn't that terrible? That's why they can't hold down jobs. Well, that's what I think. Yeah, that's right. Did you get a job? I think they all... Yeah, probably have chronic fatigue syndrome or something. Right.

Anyway, yes, that's right. So then I take the black outfit and I take it on with me to the next stop, which is Brody's Close. We go to Brody's Close. I don't know Brody's Close. You don't know Brody's Close? William Brody. William Brody. He was an upstanding member of the community, except... Okay, that sounds great. I can't see this going bad. Wait, did you say except? Except he had a secret.

What? He had a job making, fixing locks and making keys for locks. That's not much of a secret. I mean, I would probably feel comfortable telling people that. He was a locksmith. That's right, but that's not the secret part, lads. What he did with these locks is he made reproductions of locks and keys, keys that he had no business having the locks to. Some of them were banks and he'd sneak in and he'd steal the money. And some of them were private houses and he'd break in and murder people. What? He murdered people all.

No. That's right. Wow. And they figured it out and they hanged him. Oh. To this day. Oh, God. Yes. The ghost of William Brodie is seen walking around Brodie's Close on a flaming horse. What? Wait, wait, wait. That wasn't part of it. Yeah. I know. That wasn't part of it.

It wasn't part of what he did in life, but that's part of the legend. He goes around on a flaming horse. Did you start this part of the legend? No, that's just part of the story. Because flames have nothing to do with locks or anything. It's weird. I'll admit that. But that's part of the story. And you can hear him jingling his key.

From atop the flaming horse. So do you have a guy jingling keys or do you have a flaming horse? We've got both. That's right. How do you get the, I understand the jingling keys. Cameron, are you lighting horses on fire? Well,

I mean, it's part of the story, right? So what we do is we go down to Brody's Close and we get a horse and we get like the oldest horse we can. After you bring the clothes to your... First, yes. I bring the black outfit to the guy who plays Brody and that's a friend of mine named Doggy. And I say, Doggy, put on the black.

You have to tell him to do this each time. Every fucking night. Well, he's got a head problem. Yeah, I suspect a lot of people probably don't even remember what's going on. That's funny you should say that because a few of these guys, every night I've got to explain it to them all over again. This is a ghost tour and it's meant to be scary.

And you're going to put on this outfit. You're going to jingle some keys. Jingle some keys and get top this horse. And then. Wait, the guy's on the horse when you light it on fire? Of course he is. He's riding the horse. Cameron, is there any possibility that every night you lose a Dougie?

Oh, that's interesting. I never thought of that. Are you just calling this person Dougie? Are you just calling? In each location, are you just calling whatever homeless person you come upon Stuart or Dougie? And maybe that's what wept it. No wonder they don't know what the clothes are for. I never thought of that, but it would explain that they're never familiar with what they did last night. I mean, it would explain it. Number 10. Oh, so good. Classic. So nice.

So good, so nice. Go ahead. What were you going to say? You look like you're saying don't say anything or you're saying please say something. What's his name? Victor Actor? What was it? Victor. What was it? I think it was Justin Actor. Justin Actor. Justin Actor. That's right. I forgot that it came out of a pun. Just an actor.

Victor actor. Victor actor. That was Andy Daly. Always great to have. I wish he would do the show more. He's very, very busy and in-demand actor. I think he's doing it the right amount. Do you really? Yeah. You prefer him to do it one, maybe two times a year. Yeah. I think even two times a year is like, ooh. Ooh, it's a little much. Twice, really? Twice.

Great episode. Grepisode. Grepisode, of course. Now, when we come back, we are deep in the throes of the top ten. We are going to have the debut of another character coming up. This is exciting. This is exciting. And the debut of a character on episode nine? Wow, this is good.

All right. When we come back, we're going to have your episode nine coming back right after this. Paul, can I ask you a question? Sure. Have you ever matriculated into higher education? Well, since I don't know what the word matriculated means, I'm going to say no. I don't think you have. Yeah. So you do not possess a doctorate of any sort. No, I do not. I'm a college dropout. Much like Kanye West. Now, are you? Exactly like him. We went out together. Really? The same day? Yeah.

You held hands like Butch and Sundance? Yeah, we talked about it at lunch. So are you attracted to people who have doctorates? Does it seem exotic? Very much so, yes. Ah, yes. Well, let me tell you about a certain doctor that I think you're going to really enjoy. Please do and talk very slowly. Okay, it's not Huxtable.

If you were worried about that. It is, in fact. It's not Dr. House, is it? He's so rude. He's so rude to everyone. But you know what? He's a genius. So he gets away with it. This is a different doctor. This is doctor. Not octopus. Either. Doctor Game Show. Have you listened to Doctor Game Show yet? This doctor? What does he have to say? Or she. The doctor is a woman. That's right. Can't operate on my son. The old riddle. No, Doctor Game Show is a podcast. It's a program.

Doctor Game Show is the cult favorite radio show, and now it's part of Earwolf. Well, Scott, I'm glad to hear this because I remember saying to Earwolf, please get more Doctor shows. Please. But mainly because you don't have a computer and you're not able to go on WebMD. Yeah. And you have a severe amount of maladies. That's right. You're always calling me and texting me saying, looks like I got another problem. That's right. I have a flip phone. Yeah.

So I can't look up stuff on WebMD, but I can call a text. And most of it is just bone spurs. I have so many spurs on my bones. All over. All over. Well, look, Dr. Game Show is not going to help with that. But Dr. Game Show is a very entertaining show, and now it's on Earwolf. Let me tell you about it. In each episode, host Joe Firestone –

and Manolo Moreno play listener-created games with their comedian friends and listener call-ins. That sounds intriguing, right? So can you get a bone spur on your skull?

I don't think that they deal with that. Although maybe that would be very interesting if one episode in particular dealt with a bone spur in your skull. No, is it possible? Is what I'm asking? I don't know. I wonder. I have a pressure in my skull. I think that I need to drill a hole into your skull, like trepanation, to let the spirits in. I got some evils in there. Oh, is it to let evils out or let air in? I don't know. Well, evils hate air. So-

Let the air in. Evils are like, uh-oh. I thought it was to let more oxygen in there because oxygen is good for the brain. It's great for the brain. Instead of drilling a hole in your skull, why don't these people just like go to the hookah bar and take oxygen? Go to the hookah bar. Hey, Paul, go to the hookah bar. May I invite you to hookah bar?

This show is really fun. Doctor Game Show. It gets off the rails early and often, and it's a ton of fun. I will tell you, in a recent episode, they had Will Butler from The Arcade Fire. Oh. And his five-year-old son, they both guested together, and it was nutso. Are you kidding me? That's not allowed. It shouldn't be allowed. But it was fun, you say. It was fun. I don't know. They played games like What's Your Primary Utensil? They played Rad Dad and Sauce Boss. That sounds fun. Sauce Boss.

There's really no way an ad can even express how crazy and funny the show is. Why are you trying then? I should quit. Why do this show anymore if I can't explain how crazy and funny the show is? What's the point of anything? What's the point of life? What's the point of life? What's the point of life? You have to hear it. Listen and subscribe to Dr. Game Show on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. And follow Dr. Game Show on Facebook and Twitter so you can participate when they record anything.

I guess what, Scott? Bonehead Spurs called Osteoma. Osteoma? Osteoma. Osteoma to you, my dear boy. Osteoma to us all. Osteoma in 2018. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. And boy, we've been going now, Paul and I. Comedy Bang Bang. And boy. You've been listening to it for a long time. We've been doing this for a long time. Yeah. How do you think we feel? Here's, Scott, I sometimes wish.

The audience would put themselves in our shoes and socks. And let's be honest. If you're going to get in my shoes, please wear some socks. Please don't stink them up. Let's be honest. Get in our pants. You know what I mean? Are you trying to get in our pants? Because you're succeeding. Because you're in there. And you know what?

Wear our shirts. Get out of our dreams. And into our car. Please. Into our carts. Our car. Our cardigans. Our cardigans. Let me see that cardigan. Cardi B's.

All right. We're so close to the end of this particular episode. And after that, we're going to take a break and then come back and do our next week's episode. And we'll get some of that nutrition in our body. Does Cardi B wear cardigans? She should. Shouldn't she? Oh, she should wear a black and yellow striped cardigan. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. Because of Bee Movie. And as a tribute to Sting.

Mm-hmm. That's how he got his- That's his yellow hair. The legend goes- And his black, black eyes. Well, you know the story of how he became Sting. How did he become Sting? Tell me the story. I love to hear the story during the holidays. I tell this every Christmas. Oh. A little late this year, but- When Sting was a young man- Oh, daddy. And he was playing the jazz clubs in Newcastle. Ba-dum-ba-dum.

He wore a black and yellow striped jumper. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. And so everyone called him Sting. Oh. That can't be true. Why did he wear that? Was that a real punk rock look? It might have been called out. Wearing a jumper? Well, he was playing jazz club, so I don't think he was concerned with punk rock. Let's imagine that scenario. Yeah. Gordon Sumner shows up. That's right. He's wearing a yellow and black striped thing. That's right. Do you go up to him and go, hey, Sting?

No, you don't. No. You call them Bumblebee. You call them Bumblebee. No one, you don't call them Sting. And that's how the Transformers movies came to be. Yes. Yes.

The story of Sting is the story of the Transformers. Of course. They are inexplicably intertwined. They are intertwined and they shall never be separated. I meant inextricably, but I also can't explain it. Look, you tried to. I tried. I tried my best. You tried your best. I tried my best. But you failed. I'm a failure. Speaking of failure, let's hear an episode that is not a failure and in fact made our countdown. Great segue. Thank you. You're back, baby. I saved it in the middle. Oh, you're back.

This is your episode nine. Number nine. All right. Episode nine. A lot of these episodes came from the same period of time. This is from September. September 25. This is episode 510. That's very curious. This is an episode called Pound Foolish. You may remember this episode, Paul. Oh, I do. Because this is your third appearance on our countdown. That's right. Um.

Pound Foolish, this is Andy Samberg, whom people know from Saturday Night Live and The Lonely Island and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. He is kind enough to – and he has a very, very busy schedule. When you're the lead on a network sitcom, you're there all the time. That's right. And he's a producer on it. He's very kind enough to every year make time to be on an episode –

And this year was no exception. He is here. We also have Drew Tarver from Bajillion Dollar Properties. That's right. He is playing his character Derek Contrera who is from his own podcast. What is the title of that podcast?

He has a podcast on Engineer Cody Ryan. What are you doing? When I ask a question, you're sitting staring in space. It's no wonder you're fired. Jesus fucking Christ. Get it together, man. What is the name of his show as Derek Contrera? He has his own show. Make it. You're just fiddling with shit.

Strictly Business with Derek Contrera. Strictly Business with Derek Contrera. So he was promoting that. And we have the debut of a Paul F. Tompkins original character. That's right. Who am I talking about? You're talking about –

Mayor Junius Bobledoonery. Mayor Junius Bobledoonery. That's right. Whom we recently heard from on last week's holiday episode. That's correct. He returned. And this is the debut of this character. Am I right? You are correct. Tell us a little bit about Mayor Junius. He is a tiny little guy. He's from a race of people that live inside the walls. Not the littles. Not the borrowers. Not the borrowers.

but they are a race like that and they live inside the walls of human buildings. And how – why did you come up with this character? What was the impetus of it? What spurred your thinking on it? Do you know what? I will tell you that – Don't lie. This is the truth. Now look. You have your hand on the Bible. I'm the guy –

Behind the guy. One of me always lies and one of me always tells the truth. Okay. So, God. I'm the me that always tells the truth. God, I can't figure this out. Right? There's no way of knowing. So, I was on tour with Amy Mann. This year? Years ago. Oh, years ago. Okay. And we were going to- Or were you like a roadie or- Yeah. Yeah. I loaded her equipment. Okay.

I also dealt drugs. Of course. That's what it is. Just hauling cases. Hauling cases. Every night she would sing a special song for me, The Loadout by Jackson Browne. Of course. And then at the end of a performance, she would take off her guitar strap and drop her guitar. And if you weren't there to catch it underneath her. I had to pay for the guitar. Right. Yeah. For therapy for the guitar. Yeah. I had to send the guitar to a guitar therapist. Right.

Which, first of all, to find one is a pain in the ass. We are losing it so much earlier than normal. I know. I know. Anyway. Anyway. We were on our way to Tarrytown, New York. Ah, yes. We've played Tarrytown. Yes. Wonderful town. I'd never been there before. Right there by Sleepy Hollow. That's right. Exactly. And so it was so quaint and everything that we started talking about Tarrytown and

And the idea that Tarrytown currency was cookies, I think that's what I started saying. That's the first time I started doing that voice.

I'm the mayor of Tarrytown. Our currency is cookies. And that was said a lot on the tour. Okay. Like every day since then or? Yeah, every day since then. Every hour? On the hour. That's right. That's how people know, oh, it's 3 o'clock. Yeah, you know, I live in a clock. Paul's talking about cookies. I live in a clock and I come out. I didn't know that. And I say, every hour on the hour. I had no idea that you lived in a clock. Yeah, live in a big clock.

And that wall is missing. You lost the wall. That's where the wall of my house. Oh, wow. Oh. Yes? Yeah. So that was always – that was a joke with –

with Amy and the other people on the tour for a long time and would be referenced every once in a while just amongst ourselves. And I wanted to do a new character, and I don't know why that occurred to me to do, but I thought it would be fun to do a weird little guy. And it was fun. It was fun and so much fun that it made number nine on our countdown. I'm thrilled. That was a fun episode. This is a great episode. We all had fun during it, so why don't you have fun listening to a selection from it

We did our part. So now you...

Everyone's got a job here. By the way, I was looking at Joe Walsh albums for some reason. Sure. Oh, because your anniversary is coming up? But this made me laugh and I've seen it a few times. But the title of one of his albums is You Bought It, You Name It. It made me laugh though. Like he's sitting around going, God, I got to come up with a title for this fucking album.

You bought it. You name it. It's terrible. I thought it was funny. Well, you know what's not terrible and is funny is this episode. This is your episode number nine, Pound Foolish, Comedy Bang Bang. Number nine. All right, let's get to our next guest. He is the, he's a politician. That's wonderful to hear. That's correct.

More people should be out there trying to make a difference in their own communities, and we'll certainly hear about his. I don't have your name, sir. All I have is politician. Well, first of all, down here. Look down here. I'm looking at empty air. Certainly you couldn't be lower than that. I'm very small. At eye level. I'm looking at empty air eye level. That's about where a human being should be. That's not where I am. So you're saying to look downward? Look downward, and you shall see me. Certainly I'll look—

Two inches lower. Nope. Lower. Not seeing anything. All right, three inches. Go on. We'll go as far as three inches. Nope, nothing. Please, I pray you, look a little tiny bit lower. I'll add three feet to it, but no more. Whoa! There I am. There you are. Allow me to introduce myself. Please do. I am Mayor Junius

Come on. What? Spell it. J-U-N-I-U-S-B-O-B-B-L-E-D-O-O-N-A-R-Y, Junius Babaduduri. My apologies. Junius Babaduduri. Accepted. Yes, I'm the mayor of the people that live inside the walls. Oh.

wait a minute. I've heard of these people. No, wait a minute. No, I haven't. This is ridiculous. You haven't heard of us? People live inside the walls. Andy, have you heard about these people? Yeah, the littles. Oh, the fictional littles. No, not the littles. Not the littles. We're not the borrowers. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I didn't think I was going to come up against this. Wait, are you mice? What's that? Are you mice? No, I'm clearly a little guy. I don't know. I mean, it's just as weird to have a little human being as it is an anthropomorphic mouse. Yeah, that may be.

But I'm a guy. You're wearing a hat. I can't see if you have mouse ears. Okay, let me take my hat off. I'm a person. And also, I can't tell if you have a tail because you're wearing pants. I don't have a tail. Take your pants off. Here we go. Whoa. Yeah, happy? No tail. That's right. Oh, butthole. Okay, look. I hold elected office. This is humiliating.

This looks bad to my constituents that I take my pants off for this guy. I beg your pardon. We're not taking photos, though. This is an oral medium. Appreciate it. I'm so happy when I got here to be interviewed. What a drag this is. This is an oral medium like that Doors movie, I guess.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You're sexist. You're a piece of dog shit human. So Mayor Junius. Please call me Mayor Bobble Doodery. Mayor Bobble Doodery. Thank you. Call me Junius. All right. There are a race of human beings living inside the walls? I mean, we're not technically human beings. We're our own species. Are you magical creatures?

No, I wish we were. We're just little. And you choose to live inside of the walls? Well, it's safer that way because we're out of the way of cats, dogs, and so forth. Ah, I see. We're an ancient race of people. We've always lived inside the dwellings of human beings. I see. How ancient? Oh, well, how ancient are human beings? And their dwellings. Okay, well, the Earth is approximately 2,000 years old.

I beg your pardon? So. What are these guys, huh? So dwellings probably were in the first hundred years. From the days of the cavemen, we lived inside the walls of the caves. Really?

Really? We would burrow in there in our little holes, our little hidey holes. Did your ancestors look like cavemen then as well? Of course, yeah. We totally mimicked human evolution. We were little guys with big, crazy foreheads. And like big clubs and like cheetah underwear. Of course, cheetah underwear. The whole nine.

Right. And then you mimicked human beings as they progressed. We evolved alongside of you. Powdered wigs. Yes, Susan Powder. What? Powdered wigs during the 1700s. Yes, that's right. Susan Powder? I thought you mentioned Susan Powder. What is your relation to Susan Powder? Susan Powder was one of us at one point. What? And then she got big. She was enlarged? Yes, she made a wish. What about Daniel Powder? Daniel Powder?

He's just a regular... Who's that again? Who's Daniel Powder again? Is that the guy who sings Had a Bad Day? Oh, is it? Probably. What about Powder? The guy in the movie Powder? Yeah, he's... He's bald and white. Yeah, he's a different kind of guy. He's a different... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like he's probably had a couple bad days. Yeah, that's true. Wow. Daniel Powder, he probably is the guy. Certainly the director of that film caused some bad days for some people. He certainly did.

Anyway, look it up, gang. Look it up, gang. Yeah, so what are you doing here? I want everyone to know that we exist and I want everyone to embrace us as a sort of cousin of the human race. We don't want to hide anymore. We want to come out of the walls and be friends with mankind because we consider ourselves, you know, related to you in some way. We look just like you. We act like you in many ways. We have a society. We're all over the world.

Some of us are in space. We had to go up in space. The International Space Shuttle. That's right. Do you have your own space shuttles, tiny ones, or do you go up in the regular size ones? We bore holes into the regular size. Oh, OK. Have you guys made anything or do you just bore holes into all of our shit? Well, here's the thing. We make do with what is around. And so sometimes we consider human beings nice enough to lend us things without their consent. So you've never made anything of your own?

We've made things out of existing things. Like we'll take a thimble and we'll make it into a table, like that kind of stuff. But what do you make chairs out of if thimbles are tables? Well, you know those discarded champagne cages? Sure. We make those into chairs all the time. Wow. Okay. That was a nice –

Nice thought. Sorry? I was very impressed you pulled that. Oh, well. I mean, it's just what happened. It's just what happened. I know. That's like me saying, George Washington was our first president, and you going, wow, I'm impressed. I am impressed with that knowledge. Oh, thank you. I don't know the names of the presidents, but I do know that Jim Morrison's girlfriend's name was Pamela Corson. Oh! Did you know that, Mayor Bubble? Hey, how dare you?

Look at your whiteboard. I remember I turned the doors off pretty early. I wasn't a big doors fan anyway. Were you seeing it in a normal-sized theater? Yeah. That must be like IMAX to you. Every movie is like IMAX to us. Unlike an iPhone, it's IMAX.

No, an iPhone is like regular-sized movie screen. And then an iPad is IMAX. iPad is probably like Cinerama. And then, you know. A television, a normal-sized television screen would be like. What's a normal-sized TV screen these days, though? You know what I'm saying? Well, that's true. They're getting smaller sometimes. It's crazy. No, they're getting bigger. What are you talking about? I don't know. Why would TV screens get smaller? Because people are, I don't know. I mean, we would want that, but that's not happening, Jack.

Yeah. Are things ever too big for you? Most times, yes. You heard about the thimble, right? I did. Take a thimble. We put a coat button on there. That's a table. Got it. Got it. Got it. And then you're fashioning like ironworks out of this champagne. And it's hard to do because we're little. Sure. You don't have the proportional strength of a regular-sized human being. No. Why would we? Ray Palmer the Atom has that. So I just wondered if you shared those qualities. Sure.

No, I don't share those qualities with your weird comic book people. Well, guess what? You're a weird race of little people that I did not know exist until now, and you may as well be as mythical as a comic book. Let me tell you something. Yeah? I am a duly appointed representative of my people. I come from a place where everyone is very adorable.

You are adorable. I have to say. Yes, I am. You know that I am. You're cute as a button, which I guess is you're cute as a table. Cookies are a currency. Really? Yes. Like regular-sized cookies or giant cookies? Little cookies. Cookie crisps. Wait, why would it be regular-sized cookies? Well, the Keymore elves make regular-sized cookies. But what? Are they giant cookies to us or to you? To you. What do you consider the regular-sized cookies to be?

Like regular to us? Proportionate to us? Yeah, I'm saying like do you use currency as tiny, tiny cookies to us? Not to you. To us. Or do you use our regular-sized cookies? Size-cubed perspective, Scott. Put a quarter next to this thing so I can get some perspective. You say regular-sized. I guess I'm a sizist. Yeah. You are a sizist. That is –

It's prejudicial. And a racist. And you're a racist. That's just me. That's me, Andy, speaking just on the record. Thank you, Andy. You're a racist. I've known Scott a long time. See, you can confirm this. Yes. That he is a racist. And a sexist. You're not supposed to let anyone know. And a sizist. Do you, what size, just then give me accurate measurements. What size are these cookies you're using as curds? Let me open up my wallet. Here. That wallet, it looks like it's in the shape of a cookie.

Yeah. It makes things easier. Right. Your wallet is shaped like money, right? Well, I mean, it's not shaped like quarters, but it is shaped like dollar bills. You're right. Folded over. Can I ask the mayor a question? Yes. The upcoming Alexander Payne documentary, Downsizing. Great question. About how people are going to – Oh, there's more. Yeah. Yeah.

That wasn't a question. Yeah, it didn't go up at the end even. Sorry. How many of these have you done? I'm kidding. 500 and something. So are you – is your community worried about the R-size human race being downsized and sort of flooding your population? Yeah, that's a great question. Oh, well – Would there be a housing shortage? Yeah. Oh, so you're – hold on a second. I think we're talking about two different things. Yeah.

Are you thinking that we're concerned that the human race is going to be made smaller? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're not. Because that's not what that word means. What do you mean? Downsizing? But that's what happens in the movie, downsizing. The documentary. Yeah, as Matt Damon becomes smaller in it, right? Matt Damon's in the documentary? Yeah. Okay, guys, what's going on here? He's getting made smaller. Guys. In real life. Guys. Guys.

Look on IMDb. His character's name is Matt Damon. This is a great question. Are websites the same title even though they're bigger? Like would it be like really big IMDb? Are websites webs that can see? What are we doing? Guys, I came all the way from out of the wall for this. It's your fault you don't know the plot of downsizing.

The plot of... The trailer came out two days ago. How have you not seen it? Look, I'm sorry. I got stuff to do. Matt Damon gets shrunk down in it. And so are you concerned that what happens in the movie... Hold on a second. Is this...

I got to ask, and let's step out of whatever ironic detachment right now. Is this movie actually called Downsizing? Yes. And it is actually about a guy who's drunk? Yes. Okay. That's not good. Okay. We're not arguing with that. Should we watch the trailer while we sit here? Well, it's probably a little product placement for Downsizing coming out soon. It makes me wonder what Pamela Corson might do. Probably blow the guy who gets drunk down. Hey, come on. We don't know what her family's up to now. So in this movie-

Matt Damon gets shrunk down. Are you concerned this is going to happen to the rest of the human race? No. Susan Powder got enlarged. Yeah, that was a weird day. How did that happen? As I said, she made a wish. To whom? She –

What's that? To the universe or to a specific being? Okay, shut up for a second. That sounds like Terrence Stamp, does it? It does sound like Terrence Stamp. Or is it Brian Cox? I bet those guys could sound like each other. Stamp and Cox. Those are two words you don't want to hear next to each other. Boy, oh boy.

That's Matt Damon. That is wild, isn't it? That is wild stuff. That's weird. That's Dave Johnson. Weird, wild stuff. Do you do a Johnny Carson impression? Do you have tiny celebrities? Like, do you have a tiny Dana Carvey? Well, we don't. We don't have that crap.

We have a Dana Carvey equivalent, a guy who does impressions of other people. Like a rich little, rich really little. Is that what he's called? He actually is called rich really little. Okay. I'm sorry. I just put this on for the mayor to understand. Oh, well, you get it. Oh, maybe I didn't make it clear. Not interested. Number nine. Ah, good stuff.

Good stuff. That was fun. That was fun to do. That was a lot of fun. Also, calling back to a topic we discussed a couple episodes ago, Andy, during the breaks, was talking about my appearance on Brooklyn Nine-Nine and saying, yeah, we wasted you. There's no way to have that character on again. Yeah. Why did we do that? Well, you find that with shows –

you know, early on in the runs, they're like, you know, they want to get their friends on. So, you know what I mean? So they're like, in case the show is canceled, we got to get our friends on and got to put them in parts. So they'll give, uh, good actors like you. And I know, uh, uh, Neil Campbell, I know that they had him on because they love him there. He, uh, Neil Campbell, who's on the show quite a lot. He's a producer on that show. I think he's a producer. Yeah, he is on that show. And, uh,

They were – I think for weeks they were like, we got to find something for Neil. He's so funny. And then he too was like in a role that would never come back. He also worked there. He's taking someone else's job. That's true. But I mean, yeah, sort of in a little Steven on Sopranos way. Yeah, like a Sean Clements. Right. Yeah.

They just established the Sean Clements rule at Fox. The Sean Clements rule. But yeah, I mean, that was another one where he's like, yeah, man, we should have had you in a bigger part. He said that on the day. Yeah. Like on the set, he said. Right, right. He said, you're doing this? Right, right.

wow, okay. And I believe, I believe I, and I texted you this. Uh, he, he had so much fun on that episode. He texted me to say, man, those guys are funny. I love Paul F. Tompkins. That's very nice. And I passed that on to you. Thank you. And you did not have to say that on the mic. That's embarrassing now. Uh,

But, I mean, you know, that's just a testament to how – what a wonderful – I don't know where I'm going with this. Fuck this. Okay.

I like this. In the middle of saying something nice about me. How do I fuck this? How do I fuck this? It's a testament to your- I'm kissing this guy's ass for. What am I doing this for? Fuck this. Fuck this. Okay, we're just about done, but I do want to play something. Oh. At the end of these episodes, last episode, we sang. Yeah, remember? Our new recording of- Was that only one episode?

Yeah, please don't joke about I, Tonya, this Christmas. Which, by the way, a lot of people – I have to say this as a disclaimer. Yeah. A lot of people, after I already had said to you, hey, we should sing please don't joke about I, Tonya, this Christmas, a lot of people sent to me on Twitter, hey, what if you did please don't joke about I, Tonya, this Christmas? So I'm not stealing your idea. Right. This has been in the works and in motion for a long time. Right.

But each of these episodes, I want to do a little something like that. So this episode, I want to play a little something that someone made. This is Ben Plum, a.k.a. at Ben Plum, B-E-E-N Plum, P-U-P-U. Fuck. You're sure it's not Bean Plum? Bean Plum with a B at the end, but it's Ben Plum. Bean Plum. Bean Plum. Yeah. Bean Plum. Okay.

We do these episodes every once in a while called Solo Bolo episodes, me and Ben Schwartz. Sure. And, uh,

Ben and I do episodes, just the two of us, and we sing a lot on them. Castles in the sky. And in this episode, the one that was on this year that we did, the Solo Bolo Sin Colo, we did a little rap. Ben did a freestyle rap with me beatboxing in the back. And this person did a remix of it that was so good I wanted to play it. So we're going to play this as we go out. This is Ben Plum's...

of Benny Schwa's freestyle rap on the Google Burger remix. Let's hear this right now. I don't know. But look, this is Solo Bolo Cinco. We need to take a break. Solo. Solo.

Solo, bolo, sincoro. We're going to take a break. When we come back. Solo, bolo, sincoro. We're going to be doing the Olympic Song Challenge. Solo, bolo, sincoro. Everybody's talking solo. Solo, bolo, sincoro. All the ladies in the back say solo. Solo, bolo, sincoro. All the Muppets always want to say solo. Yo, solo, bolo, sincoro. Yo, all the babies say solo. Solo, bolo, sincoro.

Hold on a second.

How do you know my dick is so sweet? Bring the beat back.

What's it do with? Scott likes to fuck three girls at the same time. Make you want to go. Make you want to ride through. Make you see yourself in a different way. Scott Ockerman's cock makes you want to say, hey, what's the deal with all these dicks? Do the people want to see you and get a little twigs? Twigs bars make me feel real good. Do you want to snap them? Yo, I know that's hood. If you know Scott, then you know that he's got a. Make the girls go ooh, wally, wally. And the Mr. Guy say ooh, see, do. And all he likes to do is eat that tush.

We'll be right back. That is pretty impressive, Ben Frum. That's great. Really good. I was surprised when I heard it that we were able to keep a pretty consistent beat going. I didn't know that fruits had first names. Oh,

uh, always love when people send us stuff, uh, like that. Uh, love when the listeners send us artwork and, uh, remixes and stuff like that. It's great. So this, uh, brings us to the end of this episode, Paul. So sad. You and I are going to take a break. Uh, just like Ross and Rachel. And, uh, we were on a break, you know? Yeah, I know. Uh,

We're going to come back on New Year's Day, and we're going to be counting down episodes eight through five on New Year's Day. And then the following Thursday, we're going to be doing your top four. This is very exciting. They get better and better as we go along. Prepare your mind and body for what is to happen. That's right. How are people going to prepare their bodies? Well, they should eat food every day. Okay. That's just regular maintenance then is all you're talking about. Okay. Yeah. So just do what you normally do. Why are you acting like I'm crazy? Yeah.

Uh, now you're acting like I'm crazy and I don't appreciate that. Um, I don't appreciate the things that you do appreciate. Remember when I talked about how we're going to be shouting all the time? Can I see you in the kitchen for a second? Okay. What do you need? Please don't make this. Don't do this in front of the listeners. You're embarrassing me. Okay. I'm sorry. I apologize. I love you. I apologize. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Look, you know, I mean, all right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.

Hey, Matt Belknap, the new year's right around the corner. That's so true, Jimmy. And what better way to bring in the new year but by trying out a new podcast, Never Not Funny. Yeah. Now, we're not a new podcast, but maybe it's new to you. We might be the oldest podcast on Earwolf. Never Not Funny's been around, like you say, almost 12 years now. Yep. And some people are still not on board, which I find ridiculous. If you like people like Paul F. Tompkins, Scott Aukerman, Tig Notaro,

I don't know. Andy Daly. Yeah, Andy Daly. Conan O'Brien has been known to stop by. Yeah, we have all the people you love on our show. Zach Galifianakis occasionally makes his face known. He's on Playing Games. You know, I think if you are a little daunted by the two-hour runtime of Never Not Funny, check out Playing Games. It's a little half-hour game show version of what we do on Never Not Funny. It's a sort of more structured version of it.

Give that a try. If you like it, maybe jump on over to Never Not Funny. Or you know what? Just go deep dive. Put the wetsuit on and jump into the two hours of fun that is Never Not Funny. Never Not Funny and playing games. A better way to laugh. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

Want to hear Earwolf pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

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