Best of 2017 Pt. 4
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Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo wings for fun. In jest, of course. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That one doesn't make that much sense. Is it in jest? Like two words? I-N-J-E-S-T? I-N-J-E-S-T. Not I-N-G-E-S-T. No, not in jest, of course. Oh, that's interesting. Maybe it's a play on that. I mean, that's what you should do. Cold Bush, thank you for that catchphrase submission, and welcome to the show. And, uh... Yeah. Hey!

You know? I'm doing a little De Niro. A little audible, inaudible De Niro. Because you couldn't tell it from my impression, but physically, right there. Nope. Couldn't tell from looking at you either. Interesting. Didn't know what you were doing. Welcome to the show, Comedy Bang Bang. This is the best of 2016. What? You say? It's January 4th. Why are they still doing this? Well, it's because the calendar...

On January 8th, this Monday, we'll be back to our regular scheduled programming. But we are counting down the top episodes of 2016. It is embarrassing that in 2018, we're still talking about shows from 2016. Did I say 2018? This is mortifying. Well, it is 2018 now. That's right. Look, do you have this experience? By the way, across from me, my co-host with the mo-host,

Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hello, Paul. Hello, Scott. Do you have this experience where you sometimes don't know what year it is? You don't know what's happening? Like at what point did that used to be so important to you as a kid? Well, I don't think I've ever forgotten what year it is. I have been under a false impression about what day it is many times. What day do you think it is today? Oh, is it? Do you think it's a made up day or do you think it's one of the regular seven days? I think it's one of the regular seven days. Okay.

It's Jern Day a day? No, see, you're thinking of made-up days. Jern Day. Fuck! Oh, Paul, you've gone nutso. I've gone nutso! I'm thinking of the Bajernian calendar. It used to be so important as a kid of like, how old am I? Of course I know what year it is based on how old I am because I want to be this age. Is it Tuesday?

Yes. Okay. Not for the listeners. Today is Thursday, which is our last episode. But for us recording it, we're recording on a Tuesday. And also around the holiday times, it gets weird. Because you don't have to go to work or what have you. Yes. Things are shutting down. Not shutting down. Winding down. But.

People in Hollywood, especially your agencies, things like that, they look for the earliest possible excuse to close the office. They're all gone. This is the weirdest year, too, because the holidays fall on Mondays. So I don't think anyone in show business is coming back until the 8th. And they left a million years ago. There's, like, no one we can call if there's a problem. I have a Hollywood emergency! Basically, you know, when Christmas is coming, they go out of the office 4th of July. Yeah. And they come back...

In March. You can do it. You can do it. By the way, Christmas is coming. The geese are getting fat. All of them? All of them. Every single goose is getting fat. I'm going to ask you a favor. If that is the case. Yeah, whatever I can do. Whatever I can do.

If you see an old man – Sure. I probably will. You probably will. Quite honestly, with a city as large as Los Angeles, the age range in there is – it's quite a wide swath. Although you don't want to admit to being over 30 here in LA. I saw what I thought was a homeless man talking to himself the other day. It was just someone practicing his monologue. Anyway, if you see an old man and he – if he has a hat –

Would you please put a penny in there? I don't know that I have one. Well, I mean, you don't have to do this right now. I'm saying if you're— It's a cashless society now. No, I know, I know, I know. If you're out there and you do have a penny and you see an old man with a hat, please put a penny in the old man's hat. I don't know. I don't know that I have one. Okay, okay. If you haven't got a penny? Yeah. A hay penny will do.

We don't even use hay pennies these days. Of course I don't have a hay penny. Is that – I mean with inflation being what it is, people barely have pennies these days. I don't even think anyone has a nickel, a dime or a quarter these days, let alone a 50-cent piece. Are you telling me you don't have a hay penny? I don't have a hay penny. Then God bless you. Thank you so much.

A little late, by the way. This is January 4th. A little late. A little late for that. January 4th, happy birthday, Dave Foley. Happy birthday, Dave Foley of the wrong guy. It's forever in my brain that his birthday is January 4th. Why is that? Why would you know his birthday so well? I don't know. I don't even know your birthday. I don't know. I think it's in October or September. It is in September? It's in September. I barely know anyone's birthday because we're old. Why are we celebrating birthdays? Your birthday's in June? No, sir. You were with me on my birthday this year.

July! July. July, we were on vacation. We were on vacation together. Lolo Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, and myself, as well as two other couples that are unimportant.

Below the line. We all went on vacation to Hawaii together. And let's talk about this because this is exciting. We rented a beautiful house in Hawaii. And one of the better vacations I've ever been on. I absolutely agree. We had a great time. Great time, great people, great environment. Just a blast the entire time. Yes. A memory that I shall cherish for the rest of my days. Yeah.

The house was beautiful. Probably the most, I'm not even going to say vacation house, one of the nicest houses I've ever been in. It was amazing. It's crum-azing. It was crum-believable. You're crum-believable. Let's get ready to crumble! We know that house, the ins and outs of it, like the back of our hand. We're in Hawaii.

And we didn't even want to leave this place. It was so beautiful. We stayed in the house most of the time. We hung out. It was great. It had a beautiful pool and a wonderful view. Because it was a very comfortable house. It didn't feel like – it wasn't uncomfortable. It felt lived in. Do you know? Put plainly, we were Ohana. We became Ohana. Family. We became Ohana. We became Ohana. So we –

you know, have kept in touch. Uh, you and I, Paul, no, ever since then, everyone who went to Hawaii, we've been on a text chain and, uh, shocking news out of the South land tonight at 11.

Flathead? Point flathead fist. Hey, this is not a bad name for a podcast. Point flathead fist. Right? Yeah. One, two, three. One, two, three. Shocking news came out this November. I believe it was Thanksgiving. Yes, I think it was. When one of the people on our text chain that we went to this. Can we say your name? Go ahead.

Trip J herself. Trip J. Jessica Jean Jardine. Jessica Jean Jardine texted us in a – I feel the energy coming off the phone was like she saw this thing and it just had a kinetic energy to this text of like she just grabbed the phone like immediately when she saw this. That's right.

She was on Instagram following one of the various celebrities that she likes to follow. And who is in the very same house that we rented enjoying Thanksgiving but John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. That's right. Whoa.

Whoa, that's crumb-believable. We were ready to crumble. And there was a lot of texting of like, are we sure it's the same house? Of course, in every detail. Yes, we looked at various pictures. There was no mistaking this was the same house. No mistaking it. And that's...

And to be honest, that's an extra level. I mean, you know, we had a wonderful vacation. We loved the experience. But then to know this is like what the celebrities do. We did a thing that was considered okay by these incredibly rich people's standards. Yes. It was like, wow, this validates the experience. We did a good job. Now I feel bad that I coughed on all the pillows. That's true. Well, you know, maybe they can avoid them like the plague. They should. Yeah.

We're counting down the episodes, of course, this year, and we've been doing it. We found out last episode, Engineer Sam is here with us as well. He's Instagramming himself. Maybe he's looking up Chrissy Teigen. I can't tell exactly what he's up to, or maybe he's just doing personal business. Who knows? You know what? The engineers, when they do these shows, a lot of free time. That's right. All they got to do is basically look at a computer screen, and if that arrow keeps going saying that it's recording, that's about all they need to do. Do you know on my show—

Spontaneanation. A great podcast. Check it out. If you're only listening to Comedy Bang Bang for the first time because you read it was popular or you're hearing about it, Paul is the host of his own show, Spontaneanation, which is here on the Earwolf Network. You can get wherever you get your podcasts. And my regular engineer, typically, it'll be Engineer Ryan. Right, because he created the weirdo machine. He created the weirdo machine. That's right. So I'm forever his dad. He came out of the weirdo machine is what I meant to say. He's Bubba's bossy. Oh,

That's what you call the... You call that the weirdo machine? He created a weirdo. We went on tour with Ryan, and what a guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. And he created your machine that you press buttons for. The sound machine, yes. The sound machine, yes. He did this in Miami, I believe. The Miami sound machine. Come on, baby. Hey, it's not only the rhythm that's going to get you.

Anyway, he's the default engineer for my show. Default or? He's done almost every episode. Not by default, but he's the one that you normally want to do it with.

Oh, no. I would have picked so many other people. Okay. No, he's the best. Okay. I meant like he will – He's the regular guy. Yes. I think maybe on one hand I could count the times that he hasn't done the show. Try to do it. So how many are we talking? 20 and you can do it on one hand? Ah!

Oh, crippling. I can't. Okay, I'll be honest. That's going to ruin your flat hand. I can't ever get up to four without experiencing intense crippling pain. Yeah, it's that middle finger. You've been using it too much. Yeah. Flipping the bird. I'm in traffic a lot. Anyway. Tonight's traffic at 11.5. When he engineers my show.

He is enwrapped. He loves it. He closes all. He closes all. And he just watches the show. He just watches the show. Quite honestly, this is one of the greatest shows on earth. People would pay to be. People have paid to be here. It's true. You got Sam over here.

What Instagram are you looking at? What were you looking at? Go ahead and get on, Mike. This is a special time of year I'll allow the engineer to get on, Mike. Usually if it's a Cody or someone like this, we're shutting it down. Sam, go ahead. Get on, Mike. This is your big opportunity. What were you looking at? When you looked over, I was on Hannah Simone's. Why? Who is that? She's on The New Girl, right? Oh, okay. Why were you looking at Hannah Simone's Instagram? I was scrolling through. Yeah, but why are you looking at hers? Are you a friend of hers? Oh, no. She's someone I follow. I would like to be friends.

You're a fan of Hannah Simone. I am. I've never reached out, though. You've never. Well, I mean, hey, Hannah Simone, if you're listening and who knows, she might be. Hannah Simone. Sorry, I didn't know who you were by name. I apologize. The show's good enough for Tatiana Maslany, but not good enough for you. Right. Good enough for Neil Patrick Harris. Hannah Simone, who I believe we asked to be on the TV show a few times and never took us up on it. You may be listening.

Engineer Sam's over here. He's a – I'm not even trying to set up a dating kind of thing, but he's a great guy. I would hang out with him socially. You have a girlfriend though, right? I do. Yeah. But I mean – But is she cool? She's not. She's not cool. Not cool in the way you're talking about. We're in the way that I'm talking about.

Hannah Simone, she seems like a nice person, right? I think so. Should I come through for my Instagram? Yes, I only follow nice people. And Sam, you're a nice person. You're a person that I think would be fun to hang out with socially. Thank you. I would go on tour with you. I'd go on tour with Sam. Yeah, just you. Just you. Just the three of us. Just the three of us. Building castles in the sky. We are.

Paul, we got to talk about it. Sam, turn that mic right down. Do we have to talk about Bill Withers and how sad his name is? When you think about it, come up with a stage name, Bill. Boy, oh boy. Bill Decomposing. Yeah.

Come on, Withers. Oh, like my favorite video of that fox. Oh, I love that video. I love that fox decomposing. Whenever I'm having a bad day, I just turn on that video of the fox decomposing. I'm like, wow, that's going to be me someday. Exactly. Someday soon, fingers crossed. Really puts it in perspective. Paul, we got to talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Pop music. Pop music. Talk about. We got to talk about something that we've talked about several years in a row here. We got to talk about a little something called the Mr. Microphone toy.

Paul, I'm hitting you with a surprise here. You may have forgotten about it. I certainly haven't. We got to talk about this. Well, I haven't forgotten about it because I haven't been allowed to forget about it. Yes. Throughout the year, here's what happened. Okay. First of all, let's backtrack and talk about the Mr. Microphone toy. Yes. For a bit. Absolutely. Okay. When we were children, and we were children, right? We were. We were.

We weren't just born this way. No. No, we're the opposite of Lady Gaga. That's right. We were children first and then we grew. Is that what that song means? Yes. Born this way like I was born a full-grown adult? Yes. Well, that's weird. Which is just really distressing on the weirdo box. But when we were children, we were both obsessed with a certain commercial that was on television. Yes.

And a product that is one of the most disappointing products, I believe, of all time. Absolutely. We've each gotten – Christmas was just last week. We've both gotten disappointing presents. Have you ever gotten or given a disappointing present? Almost exclusively both. Right. That was hard to say. Yeah.

There was a time period where I think I was giving – by the way, what I found out with – at least with Cool Up, I don't want to generalize and say with women don't do this, but I gave Cool Up two purses. I believe I gave her one and my parents gave her one very early in our relationship. And the look of just disgust on her face when she got them.

I mean, it was where to the point where I had to apologize to my family. I feel like she was so disgusted by the purse choice. And I was like, oh, I thought that I could pick out a purse. I have to ask now because, hey, cool. Maybe your wife. But she's my friend. Sure, sure. And you want to defend her. I feel like I'm was it that she was trying.

trying not to have a look of disgust at her face? No, it was one of those things where I don't think, she was pretty young at the time, I don't think she had learned how to mask emotions or something. Or maybe it was just something about purses. This might be purse and all to her. But it made me realize, I was like, oh, I can't shop. Thank you. I can't shop

For purses, for cool-off, because I guess I don't know anything about purses because it's like if you've ever watched Project Runway. I have. Oh, this is great. I have watched that. Okay, great. You know how several times they'll say to a designer, like, you need to raise your taste level. Raise your taste level, yes. And to a non-designer, we don't know what that means. We're just like –

And that's the point is when you have seen shitty dresses and good dresses enough to know like, oh, that's a shitty one that everyone makes these mistakes. Yeah. This is a good one. It's much – it can be like that with writing. In writing comedy where you're like, hey, everyone makes these types of jokes or everyone writes these types of sketches. You're bad. Get the fuck out of my office. I hate you. You're fired. Yes. Yes. So –

I learned that – I always thought purses were just purses. And why should it be? You and I should get along so awfully. But – so I bought a purse and it was like, this is the worst present you've ever given me, immediately returned. And then my – then I believe my parents bought her a purse and it was just like – just –

Just this look. The apple don't fall far from the tree. What does that mean? Her parents? Ackerman's notoriously the worst purse buying family. I thought you were saying that her parents acted terribly when they got bad gifts. What if it's just a terrible combination of things? Your family's terrible at buying purses. Her family's terrible at receiving purses. I don't know what – honestly, it was so strange to the point where I was like I have learned that – and I was generalizing. As a man, I guess I cannot –

I'll just leave. Now what we do is I say, Kulop, pick what you want me to buy you and I'll buy this thing because I have no idea. Good purse, bad purse. Right. Have you ever played good purse, bad purse? Not in a long time. We should do that with the next suspect who walks in here. Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That sounds good. But so I went through a run of just giving like – just feeling like I gave terrible gifts –

And I was always late with buying them. You know, like the holidays, they sneak up. I remember one year I didn't get an opportunity to go shopping until Christmas Eve. And I didn't know that the stores all close early on Christmas Eve. So I went into the department store. I was like, all right, let's get all our shopping done. I know I have like three hours I can do this. And I hear on the intercom, we're closing in 20 minutes. I was like, what?

All I could get was like movie gift certificates for people. If this were – if in the Hallmark movie, you would be the boyfriend that gets dumped. Yes, I would because – or I would be the boyfriend who needs to learn a lesson because I'm too focused on work. Why did I mispronounce that? Also, in the Cinemax movie, I would be the husband that the –

would want to experiment with the gardener on. Yeah. Because he's always like, honey, I gotta go off to the office. Sorry, babe.

So you've given poor gifts. Yeah. I would say that with my wife, Janie, I feel like I do good every other year. Right. Every other year I score with like this is a great present and it's, you know, like somewhat outside the box where it's like I did not see this coming. You got to wrap up, Paul. Have you heard my podcast about spinach? Yeah.

I read your article. And then – This last year? Last year was a great year. Uh-oh. Scored. So 2017 – by the way, not to give this away, but we're taping this in advance of Christmas. Do you know what? Last year was actually – 2016 was a combo good and bad year because we traveled to North Carolina, Asheville, North Carolina. Mm-hmm.

And the thing that I had ordered her wasn't going to arrive until after Christmas. Two years ago, that happened to me where I was in the middle of that insane run of filming the show. And I think we did the Emmys as well. And I just – like it was one of those things where I just got to it late and every single – I was like, cool off. Everything –

is now due to come on like the 28th. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. And it, and not received well, that news was not received. Well, I got in Asheville. I bought a bunch of sort of placeholder gifts, like smaller things. One of, one of which was a big score. But then when the big gift came, which was this coat that I saw that I wasn't colors, many colors, coat of one color. Okay. All right. Maybe, maybe two. Um,

It was one of those things where I was like, I think she would look great in this. I honestly don't know if she's going to like it or not. Clothes? She fucking loved it. She loved it? Oh, wow. Does she still wear it to this very day? Yes, she does. What coat is this? What coat is this that J.D. wears? It's a navy coat. Hmm.

Double-breasted. Like a peacoat? Yeah. It's like a long lady's peacoat. Is it really? Yeah. Interesting. It's very smart. I got to see this thing on her. It's very smart. Why didn't she come by? Tell her to come by tonight. Hey, honey, come over here. Wear your fucking coat. I don't mean here. I mean in my house. Tell her to come by my house tonight and bring the coat. Hey. What? What is this? What do you mean? I want to see her in this coat. Are you making me a cuck? I'm cucking you, bro. Don't cuck me, bro.

Don't cuck me, bro. Don't cuck me, bro. So poor gifts have been part of our lives for many, many years now. And there is no poorer gift, in my opinion, than the Mr. Microphone. Oh!

Based upon the very premise of these commercials. Can I say, I feel, because we've been here all day doing these. Yes. Yes, queen. Yes, queen. Now I'm crippled by self-doubt. Right. And I feel like, was that present talk interesting to anyone? And I apologize if it was not. I think it was. I think people are interested in our lives. Oh, that made me uncomfortable. Mr. Microphone, let's talk about this. And Sam, you're holding up a phone. I don't know whether you're like doing personal business. Did you have a message? What?

What do you got? You got a Mr. Microphone commercial? Yeah. Did you want me to track it down? I bet – no, because I bet that this is the one that we use every – But look how nice he is to anticipate. That's very good. So he's finally listening. Yes. I appreciate that. He's finally listening. He's a team player. Team – real team player.

At the very end of the game. You know, he's like the fucking third character on Throwing Shade. Really? Yeah. Are you famous on Throwing Shade? Are you like Brett on Who Charted? Yes, exactly. I'm scared of that happening on this show. That's why I will not allow them to talk.

Thought I said turn down that microphone, Sam. I don't like on Hollywood Handbook whenever Ryan's doing it and they make Ryan talk. I don't like it. I don't like it. Don't like it at all. Sam, not to shut you down, but I think you brought up the one instance of this commercial that is on YouTube, which we'll get to why I don't want to see it in a minute. But –

Keep it from my sight. The Mr. Microphone commercial that Paul and I both watched as children. Yeah, as children, little children. This is the promise of Mr. Microphone, that you are going to buy this microphone. What it basically is is a microphone that what they promised you was that you would be able to walk by someone listening to the radio, turn on your microphone, usurp the very airwaves themselves, and

And hijack like a pirate radio station, hijack their radio and talk directly to these people who would be so surprised and not afraid of you and not thrown by this that they would fall into your arms and fall in love with you. Is that right, Paul? They would be.

Delighted. They would love that. They would say, finally, someone has harnessed this technology for good. Finally. I've been waiting for someone to do this. Someone to talk to me via my radio. That is the promise of Mr. Microphone when you're a kid. When you're a kid, it looks like the greatest invention in the world. But this is also not to – we can't discount this for little boys like you and me. Yeah.

It's not just the hijacking of the airwaves. That's true. But it's also hearing your voice amplified. Hearing your voice amplified. Via a microphone. It's like when people, you know, they go to see a sporting event and a camera catches them. And they say, I'm famous. Like there's some allure to being on the radio, being on –

Not so much podcasts. Scott, can I tell you? No, no one cares. Can I tell you walkie-talkies? There's still – Walking, talking. There's still a thing – well, I'm not that formal. There's still a thing that entrances children about walkie-talkies, even in the age of cellular telephones. Just communications. It's why when you go to war, they try to knock out the communications first because everyone loves them. They're having so much fun and they're like, let's ruin their day. Yeah.

So we would see these commercials about Mr. Microphone where there were a variety of situations where the owners of this product were amplifying their voices on radios. In a home. In a home, certainly. And people – and this at a party. Walking down the street. Just the other day. And Mr. Microphone came their way. And, of course –

A car. A car. And this is, and the situations were at a party. Hey, I'm going to get on the microphone. Everyone's going to be like, whoa, you got a microphone in your house? Yeah. Which is not typical house accoutrement. Yeah. No, it's not. Sinks. Everyone's got those. Sure. Let's run it down. Toilets? Toilets. Windows. I hope you have a door. Kitchen counter. Floors? I hope so. Otherwise, you're going to the center of the earth, my dear boy. Silverware drawer? Yeah.

I thought you said the civil rights drawer. Civil rights drawer where you celebrate loving day by pulling out your marriage certificate. Your junk drawer. Junk drawer. Junk drawer. Toilets. Did I mention toilets? You did. Of course. You're very fond of them. I love them. Stairs sometimes. Stairs sometimes. Now we're on to things that some homes have.

Okay. Backyard. Backyard, front yard. All around the house. Rooftop pool. Wet bar. Sure. These are things every home has. But microphone? Oh. Nagada. Not in those days. Nagada. Nagada. Not in those days. So that's very impressive. Walking down the street, that's very impressive. But the one that stuck out –

In Paul and I, the minds of two young boys such as Paul and I was where a gentleman – and I think he was a gentleman. I think he was a gentleman. He was a perfect gentleman. He was a perfect gentleman. In this situation, he acted like a perfect gentleman. He was gallant, respectful, chivalrous. Of course, of course. A perfect gentleman. A perfect gentleman. He – in my –

My recollection of it is it's a Jeep. I thought you were saying your rectum. My rectum. In my rectum, it's a Jeep. In my rectum, it's a Jeep. No, my recollection is that the gentleman was in a Jeep, something without a top, certainly a convertible. He saw two women walking on the sidewalk. I'm not going to say down the street. Just the other day. And in my recollection, they were wearing swimsuits. Is that yours as well? Scott, can I tell you? Yeah.

My recollection has changed. What? Yes. Since the very last time we talked about this one year ago? Yes. Here's what I see now in my mind. Is this because you've watched the commercial in question so many times? I think it must be. It may have influenced this a little bit. But I'm retreating to my memory palace. And what I see there is two gentlemen in a convertible. Convertible. We are seeing the back of the car.

One gentleman who is holding the Mr. Microphone and he is – Is he driving or is he the passenger? He's a passenger and he is a perfect gentleman. But just a perfect gentleman. He is turning around facing the camera. Facing the camera, yes. And saying into Monsieur le Microphone. Hey, good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later. But –

I can no longer see those women. You can no longer see the women. I'll tell you why, Paul, because the most famous iteration of this commercial, which engineer Sam just pulled up is the one that is on YouTube called,

Only has the men in the car never – you never see the women. So it could be – he could be saying this to anything. He could be saying it to men. He could be saying it to women. He could be saying it to like two potted plants that are sitting there. He could be talking to the cameraman. He could – and God damn it, I bet he is.

This is the version that is the most famous version, the one that is out there. But Paul and I – and maybe you've changed your tune on this. But somehow in my recollection of this commercial, I've seen the women. I believe the women are in this commercial. Me too. Hashtag. I also remember that. I remembered that. Now let me ask you about this version of the commercial. Yes. Is there a gentleman –

Walking down the street. Just the other day. With a, like a radio, portable radio. A booming box. It's not quite a booming box. But a portable. But he's walking down the street with the radio and he's singing Jingle Bells. That is in one of the versions that I've seen. Now, when we started talking about this, several years ago, we talked about it on The Best Ofs. We mentioned this commercial and I was like,

Didn't even think to look it up really until like maybe last year or the year before. What was the need? We remember this commercial. We remembered the commercial. We remembered it. Now, since then, we've been talking about it so many years that we looked it up and we were shocked –

dismayed to find. Horrified. That the example of this commercial that is currently on the internet and indeed YouTube, these women are nowhere to be found. Nowhere to be found. Nowhere to be found. It's like a reverse godless on Netflix.

Get it together. What are you trying to say? I'm having a hard time. God flicks. You know what? If I were a Christian, instead of Netflix where there's so much filth, I'd love God flicks. That's a good business.

So we – and we've talked about this where we are sure or at least I am sure there is a version of this commercial out there that was the second version of the – the commercial has gone through several versions over the years. Yes, yes. That there is a version out there that has the women – that we see the women's reactions and they're delighted by this man. I choose – Because it is delightful. I choose to believe that. Yeah.

Now, here's what has happened. Was it this year that it's happened or was it the previous year? It was the previous year. Ever since we talked about this on the show, all people do now – and to be honest, some people are doing it now because they know it irritates us and they are trying to poke and prod us. And what's funnier? Than irritating people that you admire. Or if not admire, at least enjoy. That you get free entertainment from. Yeah.

But it also happens at least every couple of weeks where it's someone doing it genuinely. Yeah. They will send us a – most times a still of a popular cartoon program. I don't even want to say the name. I don't want to, but I'm going to. Oh, OK. The Simpsons. Yeah. And they say, hey, you're thinking of this Simpsons episode. Yeah.

And where you see the women – it was a parody of this commercial. They say, hey, good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later. And you see the women in this commercial. Yeah. And our point is no, we're not. No, we're not. We're thinking of a filmed live action real life human being not drawn commercial. Yeah. Because –

That's the one we remembered from childhood, not The Simpsons. And by the way, The Simpsons obviously remembers it because they drew it in their parody. This is the point. This is Sparta! Please don't send us The Simpsons thing anymore. I know we're in for another now month of it. Yeah, why are we talking about this? That was a mistake. It's a Christmas tradition.

People love to hear us talk about Mr. Microphone. Anyway, my point is when you get the Mr. Microphone, the radio in question has to be tuned to a frequency, usually 89.1 or something, a radio station that has no radio station on it.

No radios would be – Nobody's driving around listening to that? No. It's basically good for you tune your own radio to this Mr. Microphone Station and amplify your own voice on your own radio. Can I say this too, Scott? And this might be divisive. And I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. Okay. I hope not. I don't think I was under the impression that you could just hijack people's sound. I think we've talked about this. This is maybe my issue. It might be your issue. Okay.

But I believe in the Simpsons episode in question, the same thing happens. And that's why I was so – I related to it so much when I saw this particular episode is they buy a Mr. Microphone and they are disappointed in the fact that you can't just broadcast your voice on any radio. Yes. The main reason – for me – so for me, that's not the main reason to dislike Mr. Microphone. The main reason is it's shitty. It is a shitty product. Plus it's like just buy a regular microphone and an amp.

Yeah, kids. You can't afford an amp? Save your paper route money. Seriously, or go like, you know, do... You can't afford an amp? Just staff up on a sitcom. God, if you need some extra money. Hey, just go to Harvard. We're going to lampoon. End up writing for the Simpsons, de doy. Yes, it's as easy as that. Before you move on to something else. Well, there you go. We've talked about Mr. Microphone, and I'm happy we did it. Crossed it off the list. Santa...

You can cross us off your list. We have to get to our first episode. We haven't gotten to our first episode of The Countdown. Can you believe it? I can believe it. Let's get to it. This is, we're counting down your top four episodes of Comedy Bang Bang this year. This is very exciting. This is your episode four. Number four. All right, episode four. And this is a great one. I'm very excited for this. Yes, Paul. Bit of a cliffhanger from last Best Of episode that we just did. Yum on. If I'm not in...

Any of these top four episodes... You're going to all... Hulk out! Yeah. You're going to be very upset. You're going to be very angry. Mm-hmm. And so far, up to this point, you have been...

in how many of the top 16? You've been in six of the six. Six out of 11 appearances. And you're only in 11 appearances this year. And six of them are in the top 16. That's an amazing achievement. I mean, it's not for me to say. You should be happy full stop just right there. I should be, but I'm not. You're not. No. Well, I won't be. You won't be. Would it surprise you to learn that you are not in this episode number four?

I mean, it won't surprise me so much as— Enrage you. I'm not enraged yet. If I end up not being in any of the top four, I will be very angry. Okay. All right. We'll see. This is episode 511 from October 2 of this year, another recent one. Due a ottobre. And this is an episode called The Morzucsnik Interruption.

And this is Jason Manzoukas and Nick Kroll and myself all being ourselves. A lot of times when Nick comes by, he'll do characters. He was just himself this time. That's right. He was hyping his new show, Big Mouth, of which I – from what I understand from what people have sent to us, that there are two characters who are drawn exactly like us and yet have totally different voices. You're kidding?

But at least he's raising all that money for Puerto Rico. That whole thing was very hazy. Yes. Now, why do you need to be a character when you have the return of one of the most classic Comedy Bang Bang characters of all time since the beginning of – since the early days of doing this show?

Seth Morris, The Return of Bob Duca. Sure. The Return of Bob Duca. Bob Duca. How long had it been? It had been a while. It had been something that I had written to Seth periodically every three months or so over a couple of years and said, hey, maybe time for Duca to come back and-

Seth always had something going on. He was working on Bajillion. He was a writer on Bajillion. That's right. And director. And director. That's right. He's a great director. And the timing never really worked out. But he was always saying, I want to. I want to. And the fans wanted him to come back. They got Duke of Delirium. Yeah.

If you don't know who Bob Duca is, it's a character Seth Morris has been doing for a while. And I saw him do it at the UCB Theater here in Los Angeles, and it's a great character. And we were talking about it on a previous episode. Seth's brain works in a different way than a lot of people and a lot of comedians and improvisers' brain. The things he's into are very different things. His hobbies, the things he reads. He has a lot of information about –

certain things like he did an episode a few years back where he was like hey I'm going to do a character based on ASMR is that what it's called you know and I had never heard of it he's on the forefront of things like you know odd wellness practices and things like that

So he's got a very interesting background, but he's created this character, Bob Duca, who the very first time he did it on the podcast, I was saying like, hey, you know, basically I'd had on people like yourself doing impressions of –

famous people and it was more it was kind of like a show where it was a variety show but about interviewing famous people real famous people and fake famous people and so if I would ever have a non-famous person on there I would be I would say like maybe there's a reason why you're on it like maybe you're my stepdad or something and so we made him my stepdad on the show just to give me a reason to be talking to him in those early days um

Anyway, it's a fascinating character. And one thing that he does is he does these lists where he comes and he brings these lists. And this was a great one. And it was great immediately upon release of this episode. People were so happy that Bob Duke was back and he had another great list. So let's hear a little bit of it. This is episode 511, your choice for number four. This is the more Zooksnick interruption, episode number four. Number four.

Scott. Someone just walked in. It's me, Darcy. Excuse me. We're doing, we're tipping you a show. The prodigal ex-stepfather has returned. What? Scott, it's me. Bob Duca? Oh my God. Bob? Hey, Bob. I was attacked by a bach, bach, bach on the way here. Bob, Bob, I'm stunned. How are you, me boy? I haven't seen you. It's been a long time. In years. And I apologize for that.

Bob, I'm sorry, everyone out there. This is my ex-stepfather. He was married to my mother for six months. Gloria. Basically father, deep father figure. I'm here to fill that father size hole in your heart. Well, you haven't been filling it recently. I know. I know. And I can explain. I can explain. I've been out of commission for quite a while. It turns out I'm suffering from an ursine dementia and combination grizzly depression where I hibernate for many years at a time.

Wow. An ursine? What's an ursine? It's a bear. Yeah. So it's a combination between an ursine and a grizzly. Ursine, dementia. Yes. Grizzly depression. Grizzly depression. Oh, my gosh. So you suffer from UDGD.

Correct. Ugg-Dug? That sounds unbearable. I heard a whole thing on NPR about Ugg-Duggy, and it is brutal. I mean, we were in Ugg-Duggy for a while. Now we're tip-deep in Octo-Duggy. Yeah, and Daddy-Duggy. It sounds unbearable. Did it? Oh, Nick. Nick.

Did it come upon you very suddenly? You didn't leave a note? You didn't let anyone know where you were going? It did come on me suddenly, come on me quite suddenly. And, you know, before I knew it, I thought— Did it come on you forcefully? It did, and it made me think it was my fault. So you—I mean, you just disappeared one day. I did. We had plans.

We did have plans. We were going to play catch, but I was scared. Right. Why? Of him throwing something at me. Well, then why make a plan to play catch? Because that's what fathers do. Oh, okay. Yeah, I never had a father to play catch with me. I mean, I did, and we did. Well, that's confusing. Yeah.

If you had to have a catch, what ball would be the least frightening to you? Probably a tape ball, like a piece of tape watered up. What about a Nerf ball? What about those soft Nerf balls? That'll just go right into me and mold into me. You have very, very soft skin in organs. Very porous skin. Yes. I've been diagnosed with kitchen sponge skin. Kitchen sponge skin? Kitchen sponge skin. It stinks after about a day.

But you can run it through the microwave. And it's constantly moist. Or you can run it through a microwave. You can run it through a microwave. To kill the bacteria. But somehow that bacteria keeps coming back. That's why they call it bacteria. I don't understand. That also explains how, because the back, your back, I can see a little bit of your back is very coarse. Yeah, it's like a Brillo. It's like a Brillo. It's like a scrub. Like a scrub. That's the case of Brillo back. Do you mind? Yeah. Do you have a Brillo back? Yeah.

I was a pot washer in college and had no idea. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. So you just – you were gone. I was gone for quite a while and I figured I – so ursine dementia and grizzly depression are just symptoms of a larger issue that I was having. It turns out I was suffering from male menopause. Oh, wow.

What exactly is – I've heard of female menopause very just – Well, menopause, it's a similar thing. I've heard anecdotal. Isn't that what you said your favorite porn category is? Maybe. Young man, I hope you're not watching pornography. Look, Bob, I'm not a young man. After this is over, I am going to make you watch –

all the pornography until you've got it out of your system. Okay, fine. Let's make a date to do that. That would be... Let's just do that right now. Yeah. No, Bob, I want to hear about male menopause. Male menopause. What is this? I looked up the symptoms and I have every one of these. Oh, no. The following. What are the symptoms? Are just some of the symptoms of male menopause. Male menopause. Weight gain. Incontinence. Bloating. Depression. Disturbing memory lapses.

Disturbing prolapses, breast pain, titty ache, nipple throb, strep pecs, areola ebola, irritability, hot flashes, warm flushes, cold squishes, night sweats, day sweats, mid-morning armpit pisses, afternoon de-wipes, irregular periods, loss of libido.

urethral dryness, deep vein thrombosis, main vein thrombosis, painful tromboners, scab and horn section infection, changes in body odor, tingling extremities, including, or also known as, sprite fingers, soda stream feet,

And bubble dick. I have each and every one of those systems. All of those. So it can only be male menopause. One thing I should tell the listeners who haven't, I mean, you haven't been here in so long. We have so many new listeners. My ex-stepfather, Bob, a bit of a hypochondriac. I mean, we talked about Jason being one. Sure.

Self-diagnosed hypochondriac. Although you tend to get the things that you diagnose. It's hypochondria with a coexisting illness of manifestation disease. Yeah, it's like instead of the secret, it's like the secrete. Exactly. Wow. Exactly.

Wow. Does that make sense? It does, yeah. Sure. Not funny, but it makes sense. Very funny. It makes very much sense. So that's a lot that you're dealing with. It's a lot that I'm dealing with. Bubble dick especially has got to be very hard. Main vein thrombosis. Yes. Believe me, it makes it hard to go to the YMCA to drain my main vein thrombosis. Yeah.

Is it hard? Well, you have to go. Each county has a different registered main vein thrombosis drainage center. You have to register there. Now, do they have those centers all over in all 50 states? Most of them are at KOA campgrounds. Okay. So if you see me lying crotched down at a KOA campground,

next to where the RVs dump their sewage, it's a medical procedure. You are draining the main vein thrombosis. Yes. Right. If your thrombosis center is knocking, rocking,

It means you're eye-splashing. Knock and rocket? Knock and rocket? Knock and rocket? Well, Bob, this is, I mean, I guess I should forgive you for being gone and standing me up that day. You're obviously dealing with a lot. I am dealing with a lot, but you know, I am trying to deal with it the best way I can, and I was recently put on a new series of antidepressant medications. Oh, good. How's it working for you? I'm glad you asked.

What are you taking? You know, it's so ironic that you ask that because I happen to have a list. Oh, of the cocktail of drugs that you're currently taking? The cocktail of drugs that I'm currently taking. Oh, okay. So you're going to read what drugs you're taking? Yes, if I may. In list form? Mm-hmm. So this is a list then of the drugs you're taking? I don't know if it's so much a list as it is a column of one words at a time. Okay, well, I'll take them as I can get them. And are these just... The following. Okay.

are medical pills that are helping me through my male menopause and deep, deep depression. Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, It Works All, Buspar, Gary Buspar, Abilify, Aptozutazadapan, Lexapro, Lexa Amateur, Welbutrin, Elevil,

Alcohol is all. Marijuana's an oar. Masturbate a carotene. Netflix binge-a-malls. Love-UX. Hugs all. Cuddle right. Warm fuzz-a-lean. Selectia. Conflict-an. Inner war-za-lean.

St. John's wort, St. Vincent's zit, St. Bernardicles, Martin's Corelli jelly beans, and Robert Downey Jr. mints. And they're helping. They're helping. You have to find the right combination and the right dosage. Yeah, all of that. Wow, and even just the inaccurate dosage on one of those. I will jump off the nearest bridge. What is the nearest bridge?

It's near a kiddie pool, so fortunately it works out. Oh, okay. Are the Martin Shkreli jelly beans expensive? They're very, very expensive. Yeah, the price shot up recently. I don't know why. Right.

Well, this is, I mean, I'm glad it's helping, Bob, because I worry about you, you know. My mother doesn't really ask. Does she ask? No, she doesn't ask about you anymore. I mean, we presumed you were dead, quite honestly. That's a safe bet. It really is. Like 90% of the time, any day, it's a safe bet. For those years that I was hibernating like a bear, people thought I was dead. How long, like, is this like a Rip Van Winkle scenario? Have you been asleep for years? Are you a time traveler?

Or did you age appropriately? Well, I'm a time traveler in the sense that I get really depressed, I go to sleep, and then it's four years later. Okay. Right. Okay. So in that sense, yes. Yes. Right. Did you eat a bunch to prepare for your hibernation? Yes. Yes. Yeah, what does one eat when one knows? It's funny you should ask. Yeah.

I just stumbled on that one. You know, prior to my most recent hibernation, I was trying a different diet to deal with some of my anxieties. Scott, as you know, I've suffered from body image issues and dietary issues.

Describe your body for those. I mean, a lot of people are newcomers to you, Bob. What exactly is your body? Visually speaking. Well, I don't know if anybody has been near an industrial mayonnaise factory and they have the sacks of rejected mayonnaise baking out in the sun in the back alley. Oh, yeah. I've seen that. Basically, you put a hat on that, you got yourself a Bob Duke hat. A rejected mayonnaise sack? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

A rancid mayonnaise nightmare. Exactly. Yeah. It's how you would describe your body. Got it. Do you say ejectly?

I did not, but that's a good one. Anyway, my spiritual nutritionist put me on a diet. The philosophy of Sri Bawana Bogdanovich employs, it's arrived from the idea that you are what you eat. Now, if you consume unhealthy foods, you will be an unhealthy person. You consume processed foods filled with preservatives, you will be shallow and live a long time. If your diet is high in sugar, you will be superficially dynamic but lack substance. And if you eat cat food, you will hate mice and think you're better than human beings. This is an easy concept to understand. Hmm.

What Sri Bawana Banana has done is develop a dietary system that emphasizes not just how we feel physically, but how we feel emotionally. So she put me on a diet to make me feel special, unique. It's the endangered species diet. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, the endangered species diet where you're only eating endangered species? Correct. Only, only as a way to feel special because you are what you eat. I see. Okay, I see. That would also make you endangered. Right.

I hadn't done that part of the math. But you are what you eat. If you're eating endangered species, mustn't you then be yourself endangered? Well, that's not what we focus on. What we focus on is what's special. Are you being hunted right now, Bob? Do you think? I will say that that bach, bach, bach was human-sized and had a crossbow. Did you see foghorn leghorn outside? They're...

There are poachers outside right now. And they all do look like southern roosters. This is a problem. This is going to be a problem. Okay, well, let's not get sidetracked too much. Yeah, what are some of the endangered species that you're eating? Okay, may I read them to you in list form? Are you going to read all of these simultaneously, these words, or one after the other? How are they presented?

Are they presented? Yeah, on the page. Is it alphabetical or is it in terms of what you eat most to least, least to most? It's in the order that I eat these every morning. Oh, okay. So this is only what you eat in the morning or from morning until? This is just the morning. Got it. Okay, let's hear this list. The following is a column of words that put together make up my endangered species diet.

Bobcat eggs, tiger bacon, bush viper pancakes, a daily bowl of seahorses, star-nosed mole on gluten-free crackers, peacock sausage, white dolphin skewers, ginger fingers, bald eagle sliders.

Great Barrier Reef beef. Black Irish cold cuts. Panda shank. Silverback mountain gorilla vanilla. Three bean orangutan. Chimp biscuits. Lamp biscuits. Fred Durst. Really? He's endangered? Wow. You haven't heard much from him. How much longer does he have? I think there's only one left on Earth. Yep.

He's known as Earth's Durst. I have to start over now. Okay, no, no, no, please. Jason will be quiet. Bluefin tuna. Big eye tuna. Albacore tuna. 9-11 joke too soon-a tuna. Hippopotamus. Narwhal nuts.

... ... ... ... ... ...

People with that David Bowie different colored eye thing. Christian rock songs that actually rock. Gay racists, fat vegans, and tan goths. Wow. Holy cow. And let me point out, this is selective cannibalism. I do not, it's non-lethal cannibalism. But you are eating human flesh, Bob. Pieces of human flesh, yes. Wow. Just like the royal family is reported to do if you follow some conspiracy. And you do. That's true.

That's a lot to eat in the morning. Only the true ones. Yeah, that's... How much... Are these all portions? Are these, like, cubed out? Like, how much of these things... Are these on, like, toothpicks on a platter? What's the deal? Actually, it's just like... It's like toothpicks at a cocktail party. Yeah. Yeah, on a platter, yeah. Like how they used to present, like, a Swedish meatball. It's not on a platter. It's on a flat silver disc. That's what we call a platter, actually. It's a reflective silver... Like a tray. Yeah.

Well, sort of, but it's round. A platter, I think. Trays are rectangles. Oh, okay. Have you never seen a platter before? Trey Parker as well? In a way. In a way. Human beings are rectangles. What I do is every morning I have a bunch of old mops with wigs on that I pretend are people at a cocktail party. Of course. Then we have these platters, as you call them. Okay, see, I think they are platters now. No, they're trays. What did I say? Yeah.

And then I consume this at my breakfast. Do you cook all of these things or are these meant to be eaten raw? They're meant to be cooked. Oh. But you eat them raw. That's right. I'm out of Bunsen burner. Sternow? Sternow. Yeah. I'm out of Sternow. Bunsen burner Sternow? Yeah.

Bunsen, Byrne, or Sternow starred in one of my favorite sitcoms. Which one? I'm not remembering. Head of the Class. He played Balky. Oh, yes. Bunsen, Byrne. Perfect Sternows? Bunsen, Byrne.

Perfect sternos, exactly. That was the original name for Party Down. Was it? Yeah. Perfect sternos? Yeah. That was produced by Jonathan Sterno, I think. It was. Well, Bob, I'm glad you're back on a great diet and medication. You do not look healthy. You look, yeah. You look sick.

Like, sallow. Feel my cheek. It's my heartbeat. Oh, yeah, yeah. Your heart's all the way up in your cheek now. You look unwell. I don't want to. Listen, it's been a while since I've seen you, Bob. I don't want to speak out of turn, but I don't think this diet is working. You seem very unhealthy. No, no. These are just the toxins leaving my body. Yeah. I actually think Bob looks great. Thank you. In that he looks like the color of a green grape. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You look jaundiced. Thank you. Sallow and jaundiced. That's what humans... Your coloring has kind of taken on the qualities of camouflage. It's all green and gray. Your sponge skin is dry. I hide from the poachers. I hide in hayfields quite a bit. So the jaundice helps and the dryness seems to make you be curling inward a little bit. Yeah. You have like opposite of scoliosis.

Right. Uh-huh. Frontiosis. Yes. Yeah. Because everybody knows scoli is Latin for back. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. And fronti is Latin for the front. These are very simple things to understand, of course. But I will say your skull is looking bigger. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Most of my skull is fontanelle. Because you do have scoliosis, right? Yeah. Which gives you a head the size of...

And you also have scoliosis because you've been watching the X-Files a lot. Yes, they do. Oh, I thought you meant... No, I have scoliosis because I can't fly a plane. Oh, that's Sully. That's Sully. Sullenberger. And...

And some might say he flew it very well and saved hundreds of lives. Yeah, it's almost... Sure, sure. And got a big head as a result. Yeah. You know who wouldn't say that? You know who wouldn't say that? Who? Birds. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. He's been on the show many times and does not like birds. Your skull is poking out of your skin at places. It's almost as if you have horns. Yeah. I don't know about that. Have you made any deals lately? No.

Deals? What a strange thing to ask, Jason. Have you made any deals? It's funny you should ask. It's always been my dream to play blues guitar. Okay. Oh, wait, no. And recently, well... You were in the Mississippi Delta? I was near New Orleans.

At the crossroads? It did happen. No, it wasn't a crossroads. It's just a place where four roads come together. Oh, no, that's a crossroads. Bob, I have terrible news. That is a crossroads. No, no. As long as you didn't meet anybody at the crossroads, we're fine. Like some kind of stranger. We're fine. You did? Oh, no. Oh, boy. Did that person offer you any kind of deal?

Well, he was a very friendly person, and I told him that my life hadn't worked out the way I wanted, that I'd always dreamed of playing blues guitar in Mississippi Delta.

And he said, how much do you want it? I said, so, so, so, so bad. And he did promise that in exchange for my soul, I could have this wish. Do you understand what that means to trade your soul? What it means is that I have a friend.

Oh, Bob. This is – Yeah. Named Bill. Okay. Bill Zabub. Yeah. Bill Zabub? Bill Zabub was his name. Yeah. I think he must work at a Build-A-Bear workshop or something like that. I'm not exactly sure. Why do you think that?

Because the name sounds similar. Oh, you think? So Bill sounds very close to build? And you think as a result, that must be where he works. Because people only work. It's just standard deduction. People only work. I just applied Oscar's razor to it. Okay. Oh, no. I think you mean, it doesn't matter. So are you able to play guitar now? Well, I don't have a guitar here, but I have been working on the singing. Yeah, let me see the fingering. Space, space.

Splash in the deep old bath. Oh, no. Splash, splash in the big old bath. All right. Number four. Yes, sir. That's my baby. No, sir. Don't say maybe. So funny.

So funny. So funny. Such a staple of the early years and now infrequently, and we have newer people coming on, but always great to hear from Seth. And he was doing his own Bob Duca podcast for a while. Yeah, so if people are interested in that, I think all of those are probably up on Howl or Stitcher Premium. Really funny.

Some of them short episodes and then he would hit you with a 35-minute one where he's just falling for 35 minutes. Really funny. Okay, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have the top three. And if Paul's not in any of these, he is going to be upset. So that's going to be fun to watch. Come on back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

Paul, are you ready to start your new business? Oh my God, I think so. I've been asking you every single day. I know, and I keep putting you off because I'm scared. You're too scared. You're a yellow-bellied coward. I'm a yellow-bellied coward. Well, look, I know that you are ready. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well, I may as well just start on January 2nd.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Because nothing happens during the holidays, right? Like no one cares about a new business now, right? Yeah. No! What? That's the wisdom of a fool. No! Why wait? Why wait until the new year, Paul? For all the reasons that I just gave. No, those reasons are dumb. And you're dumb. I'm only a coward because I deserted my platoon. You should be shot for this. Please don't tell anyone. Look, the future is coming.

All right. Goose is getting fat. And please put a penny in the old man's hat. If you haven't got a penny, a hey penny will do. If you haven't got a hey penny. Oh, hey, God bless you. I'll get you. I'll get you. I'll get you. What a weird moral that song had. You got it. The future is coming. Please make it brighter with Squarespace. Squarespace wants to help you out with your idea, Paul. How bright should this future be? So bright that I have to wear shades?

That's a little too bright, honestly. All right. If you have to wear corrective lenses for any reason, I don't think that's too bright. Make the future bright enough to have to squint a little bit. Squint, yeah, squint bright. Squint brightness level. Squarespace has beautiful templates that you don't have to squint at, and these things are created by world-class designers. They didn't just get some jerks who lived down the block. You know, they weren't like, hey, Jerry! Hey!

Come design a website for me. I'm not trying to nitpick. I can squint at them if I want to, though.

No. Really? You're not allowed to squint at them. I'm barred from squinting at these templates? That's the Squarespace promise. You will never squint at us. Well played, Squarespace. You're one step ahead. One step singular sensation. Squarespace makes it easy to turn your idea into a new and unique website. You can showcase your work, whatever that is. What is your business idea, Paul? Curing cancer. Okay. I don't know how you're going to make money on that, but good luck to you.

If you want to cure cancer, create curecancer.com using Squarespace. You can put the formula for curing cancer right up there on the website, and anyone who has cancer can just dip in. There you go. Make some. You get some of your herbs and spices. Seven of them, in fact. Put it on your chicken. Eat it. You're ready to go. That's right. You can showcase your blog. You can publish content. You can even sell products and services of all kinds online.

There's no other way to say it, Paul, in just a few clicks of the mouse, my dear boy. Including my cancer cure. Yes, all of that. Put it all up. Put it all up out there. You can customize everything from the look and feel to settings and products. Okay. I know I'm getting you. Plus, I bet I know what you're thinking. This isn't optimized for mobile right out of the box. How did you? Yes. I'm psychic, Paul.

You entered my mind. I entered your mind space, your memory palace, and I ransacked it. That's where I keep all my questions. It is all optimized for mobile right out of the box. It's unbelievable, much like EMF. Use Squarespace's analytics to help you grow in real time. You want to grow in real time, right? You don't want to be slow to the grow. This is going to make me bigger? Yeah.

This is exciting. Paul, you don't want to be slow to the grow. Oh, my hell no. You got to grow in real time. Hell no. There is nothing to install, patch, or upgrade ever. Although, I will say, if you do have a question, you're not on your own. Okay? You are not alone. Someone has to help me come up with a question. Clearly, you are. A lot of Sondheim. You are not alone. You are not alone. Okay.

I am here with you. You are not alone. There's two of us right here. If you do have a question, Squarespace, they not only are going to help you with it, but they have award-winning 24-7 customer support. That's right. They won the awardees. I heard they got a Tony for their customer support. They might have. I think we just got a Tony for that version of You Are Not Alone. Broadway history.

A dream – and I've always said this. I've said this ever since I was a little boy when I first thought of it. But a dream is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet. And I said this before websites were even a thing. I remember it was weird when you said that. Yeah, and I had a glassy look in my eyes like I'd been possessed. Yeah. And I was holding a butcher knife and you were like, hey, man, put that down. Yeah. But I still did it.

You chopped my head off. I chopped your head off. I did indeed. Yes. A dream like Paul being a ghost is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet. Make it a reality with Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

That's pro bono, a free trial. And when you are ready to launch the opposite of what McConaughey was, use the offer code BANGBANG to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That is squarespace.com, offer code BANGBANG. Paul, you're going to do it in 2018. You're going to cure it with Squarespace's help. Thanks, everyone. Get ready to drink away your cancer. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. Paul F. Tompkins. Counting them down. We're in the top four episodes. These are the ones that people like the best. It's crazy to think about, right? That we could do a thing that people would like and then we rank them. Okay. I guess. I mean, this is the ninth time we've done it. I'm not sure. Ah!

Why it's just occurring to you now. Okay. So like I was talking about, I can't remember if it was this episode or the previous one. These top four episodes were always the number four. Always. From the very first votes to the very last votes, these were the ones that the majority of people voted for. I can go into the stats more towards the end of the episode, but we're getting into your top three. This is very exciting. This is your episode number three. Number three. All right.

Paul, so few episodes left. I know. We'll see if you're in any of these. And you know what happens if I'm not. Is that a threat or is it a promise? It's something that's going to happen. It's a vision of the future. Okay, got it. But is this a future of what will be or what may be, Spirit? This is going to happen. All right, this is— Chicken make lousy house pet. I did not know that. Yeah.

This is your episode number three. This is from December 12th of 2016. Oh, my God. Now, we've talked about the eligibility period is Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. This is the earliest episode to make the countdown. This is the 2016 Holiday Spectacular. Now, those are fun always. These are fun always. We always have a good time. We have a good time. Wait a minute.

That's right. You're in this, Paul. You're in another episode. That is great to hear. You're in seven of the top 16. That's very exciting. Seven out of your 11. That's very exciting. That's pretty crazy. Let me run to – I was writing down the names of the people who were on this episode, and I – quite honestly, I had forgotten how many people were on this episode. There were a lot of people. Let's –

This is maybe the most people who have ever been on a comedy band. Let me see if I can remember who they played. Okay. Jason Manzoukas. Himself. Rhea Butcher. Herself. John Gabrus. These have all been softballs so far. If I remember correctly, he did Gino. Mike Hanford? Oh. The Hay Salesman? Did he do the Hay Salesman? No. No, he did John Lennon. He did John Lennon. What did you do? Let's get back to me. Okay, we'll get back to you. Neil Campbell? No.

Oh, wait. I was Allie Peterson, the smooth criminal. You were Allie Peterson, a.k.a. the smooth criminal. Neil Campbell. Neil Campbell was the timekeeper? Maxwell Keeper, the timekeeper, yes. Tawny Newsome and Tim Baltz. They were the Urbanski brothers? Yes, Gary and Ron Urbanski. Will Hines. Will Hines was Frosty the Snowman? Yes, you do remember. Ryan Gall.

Ryan Gullivard's Norm Hamer. Norm Hamer, of course. Spellhammer. Drew Tarver. Keith. Keith, yes. Keith Jones. Jeremy Rowley. Ming. Zeke Nicholson. Bonequeef. No, Dr. Green. Oh, fuck! Dr. Green. James Adomian. Oh, who was he on the Christmas show? Was he Jesse Ventura? He was Jesse Ventura, yes. And rounding it out, we have Brendan Small. Oh, yeah.

Was he Victor and Tiny? Victor, Tiny, and Willie. And Willie, yeah. All three of them. That is the most stacked episode, I believe, of Comedy Bang Bang ever. When we put it out, I remember people saying, like, this has to be in the countdown at the end of the year. Normally, we've talked about it. The early episodes, people forget about. But this one...

Has always been number three, has always been up there. The top three are very close, but there were a few hundred, I believe, votes in between them. And so this has always been number three. These are always fun. These are very chaotic episodes. They're very difficult for a person such as I to steer because everyone has great jokes and wants to talk at the same time. That's right.

But they're always very fun to do. And I don't know exactly what clip we're going to listen to from it. I believe it may be a selection of different people talking. But let's hear a little bit of it. This is your episode number three, the 2016 Holiday Spectacular. Number three. You know what we should do is we should go Christmas caroling together. That would be great. You know, walk around a neighborhood, you know, just like sing the –

Wait, who's this? Hello. Who is that? Count me in. Very handsome. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Hello, sir. Can you step into the light? I can't quite tell who you are. From the shadows. Oh, he's got a headset mic on. Stranger. This is the Howard Jones, a.k.a. Michael Jackson. No, no, Janet Jackson, a.k.a. Justin Bieber, depending on what generation you are. You skipped Britney Spears. Oh, sorry, Britney Spears. Depending on how old you are. The link between Janet Jackson and Justin Bieber.

Who are you, sir? I still can't tell who you are. Scott, we've met many times before. Sure, but I can't see you and I can't tell by your voice. Oh, and you're wearing big sunglasses and a floppy brimmed hat. Forgive me. It's me, Al A. Peterson, the smooth criminal. The smooth criminal! Oh!

Oh, Allie Peterson. Have you guys met, Allie? I have not. We have not met. This is Jason Manzoukas, you may know from The League and The Dictator. Please don't be, I'm going to remove my big floppy hat and sunglasses. Please don't be alarmed by my appearance. It's almost like you were faking your death with that hat. Well, wouldn't be the first time. Sure, I know that. As you can see, I am completely hairless. Whoa. Oh, wow. You don't need to show us everything. Like the alien on Fringe. Yeah.

Yeah, put some of that back. A fashion icon for me, personally. This is, of course, intern Gino over here, Gino Lombardo. I've never met Smooth Criminal. I've seen the song, I've seen the lean, but I've never seen the person. Yeah, do you do the lean from the video as well? What video? The Michael Jackson video. You know Michael Jackson, Janet's brother. I mean, I know who Michael Jackson is or was. He had a song called Smooth Criminal. Did he really? He did Alien Ant Farm, famously covered it.

It wasn't the other way around? AAF covered a Michael Jackson song? I genuinely feel like that's another band you are going to try and convince me is good. Nope. I like that one song. Maybe movies. Ah, see? All right. Well, now I'm called the smooth criminal, of course, because I'm completely hairless and...

I'm wanted by the law. Oh, okay. Hence the disguise. So you've never heard this song before? I've never heard the song, but it sounds like it's right up my alley. Okay, what about Dirty Diana? You ever hear that? Love it. Okay, so same album, I believe. Oh, I guess I didn't listen all the way through. You turned it off? I skipped around. Okay, okay. Shuffle will fuck you that way. You miss a big single that way. What I would do is I had it on vinyl, and I would just do a random needle drop.

Just see where the album took me. In the middle of songs or when songs were finished? I have an uncanny ability to get it right on the track. Wow. Speaking of right on the track, this is John Lennon, L.A. Peterson. Hello. Like the singer John Lennon? Well, I was a guitar player who sang. Wait a minute. From the European rock band The Beatles? That's right. Oh, you've probably heard some of my work. Now, hold on a second. I feel like you're working my side of the street. Did you fake your own death, sir? No, no, no. We went over this just a moment ago. I was...

I was dead. No need to catch me up. But just in case somebody has, I'll intuit it. Just in case a listener has just dropped the needle at this point in the podcast, we will repeat John Lennon's history. We should do that throughout the show. Everyone repeat what they were just doing. Anytime someone new comes in, let's back up. Let's keep them track up to the beginning. Just,

Even if they have vital information they're trying to get out, let's make sure that we catch everyone. And let's scream at them all at once. And this is for our listeners who are listening to the podcast on vinyl. But, you know, I do have to say this begs the question, some may say even raises the question. Some should say that. I think we should probably just use braises. Braises, yes, finally. This red wine braises the question. It's like brunch and broasting. This broasts the question. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But this does roast the question, do people think that you faked your death? We've never talked about that. I'm certainly thinking that. I mostly, you know, some people ask me that. And I'll say, how dare you? You think I would trick the American public or the European public? And, you know, I'll say, fuck you to that person. What? Just like CeeLo? I'll shove them onto the ground and I'll walk away. What about the African public?

They have two. Asian public. Mm-hmm. Australian. They're very private. Yeah, I think they're a little behind on the news. Antarctic public. That's right. The world public. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well. Could have saved yourself some time. No, I would never fake my death. You would never do it? Never. But why'd you fake yours? To get out of a long-term relationship. Oh, smart. Yes. Interesting. Yeah. Who was this? Or was her name Dirty Diana? I can't remember. Her name was not Dirty Diana. Yeah.

Were you, for a moment, were you under the impression her name was Dirty Diana? I thought it might be. I hoped it might be in order to really have cohesion. Her name, of course, was Carlifer. Oh, Carlifer. That's right. Which was a clumsy portmanteau of her father and mother's names. And I remember, this is my favorite part of the story, that you told her father that. I did.

I told it to his face. He respected me for it. Right. You had a few drinks. Well, no. Her mother had had several drinks. Right. Her mother, Jennifer, is a terrible drunk. Terrible drunk. Right. So you were stone cold sober? I was stone cold sober. Vermouth is a bad, bad hangover, by the way. It's a terrible hangover. So now you were stone cold sober and her father, how do you describe her father? What?

Well, he was a sniveling worm. He was a spineless weakling. I have told this story literally every time we've met. And I love it. I was at dinner at my girlfriend's parents' house. Was she there, too? Yes, she was there, too. So it was a foreign. Yeah, she had invited me in. And when is this? This was deep into the relationship. Okay. As I recall. We'd been dating since college, and we'd been together for quite some time. Yeah.

This was probably not long before I decided to fake my own death to get out of the relationship. I got cold feet. And we were at dinner at her parents' house, her mother Jennifer in the kitchen, pretending to work on a roast but secretly drinking her third bottle of vermouth. Carlifer was upstairs in the bedroom making herself presentable for dinner. So it takes a while because third bottle of vermouth...

Depends how quickly you drink. That's true. I mean, she may have started quite late into the... If she takes a while to get ready, that could be why you thought her name was Dirty Diana, because she's got to clean it all off. That's true. That's a good point. All that jazz, it could have been Roy Sider. In the song, was Dirty Diana literally covered in dirt? I believe, right? She had bugs buzzing around her like a Peanuts cartoon?

This is a real thing. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Like a Peanuts cartoon? You think that the actual cartoons have flies buzzing around them? Yeah, you know when you watch TV and then that one character comes out and the flies are attracted to it? Sure. Yeah. Sure, but I thought you meant when you opened the Sunday paper that flies came out and were buzzing around the actual cartoon. Yeah, that's also the case. You think the Peanuts cartoon is giving off flies? Some sort of stench. I do only read the newspaper from the bottom of my dad's birdcage. So that could be the reason why there's flies there. There's also bird shit on Fawcett.

Which works. It works right in the losses. How old are these newspapers? These are all... I mean, who has modern newspapers? It's all iPads now. That's true. You get an iPad on the front step every loading. So, Carlifer was getting ready, and what happened? I was in the living room with her father, Carl. And I asked him the origin of Carlifer's name, and he showed me. And I...

was shaking his head. Right. I looked him straight in the eye and I said, I find that to be a clumsy poor bad toe. And he thanked me. He thanked you. Wow. And what's odd to me was this is pretty deep into the relationship, as I recall, in our previous conversation. And this is the first time you ever thought to ask about the origins of her name. I'd ask Carla for it, of course, but I wanted to hear from her. Did she...

Greetings. What? Tick tock. Tick tock. Who's this sad fellow in the midnight blue star-filled cloak? If I know that voice anywhere, and obviously I do right here. Yes, yes, tis I, the very timekeeper. Maxwell Keeper? Yes. Why are you crying? Um.

Because I'm feeling misery. More misery than Paul Sheldon. Why are you feeling such misery? Because everyone has been saying they can't wait for 2016 to be over. This is the worst year. Everyone's blaming everything on the year. Well, sure. I mean, David Bowie died. Prince died. The guy who invented General Tso's chicken.

Some would say democracy. Oh, boy. Yes, I've heard such a phrase. Maxwell, aren't you excited, though, for 2017? I say no. That's a brand new 365 days. No. Okay, you've said it three times already. I get the picture. Okay, a different way of saying it. Five. I say...

As punishment for everyone blaming the year, we do 2016 over again. Next year we call it 2016. Well, but we can't bring David Bowie back to life. We can't bring Prince back to life. No, no, we can't. Fidel Castro. Why are you crying the most about Fidel Castro? I miss him.

Wait, are you from Cuba? No, but I'm from Florida. You're from Florida. Yeah. Northern Cuba, as they call it. Yes, and we love our little bay of pigs across the lake. The lake? Atlantic Lake. Well, I'm a time guy, not a geography guy.

So, Maxwell, how do you think this is going to work? I mean, we just call it 2016 and then the same events happen? And then if we go, okay, we show some appreciation for the year, then at the end we go, we deserve a new year now. We didn't spend all year blaming the year for things that...

would the years fall? Would different things happen though? This is what I'm confused about. Yes, yes. It would just be 2017. It would just be, so. We just keep doing the 2016, recalling it that until we show some proper respect. If there were certain jobs where, that had say term limits of four years or so, would that then extend to five under this new, because we would be repeating a year? Or would someone,

get to keep going throughout a year where someone was supposed to stop next year? These are questions for our president-elect to decide. Wait, so you think on January... 20th. 20th, yes. That that's still going to happen and he'll decide what happens? Yes, yes. What are the chances that he'll say, you know what, let's go back to the previous guy?

Well, you know what? If he could do 2016 over again, then this time he would win the popular vote like he said he could if he wanted to. Right, right, right. So that would happen. Now my question is do we go then from 2016 right to 2018 like the 13th floor on an elevator? A wonderful question.

No. Wow, you had the buildup to that. We should still give every year its proper respect, and you only are allowed to move on to the next year if you've shown appreciation for said year. Okay. What if there are people who showed appreciation for 2016? Can they move on? Yeah, can certain people be moving forward in a year, or do we need consensus? No, it's democracy rules. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So, uh...

Is this a grassroots effort to get this going? Yes, yes.

It's very grassroots. Meaning just you? It's just me. But I'm using the power of the airwaves to broadcast, nay, podcast my message. Okay, and starting here, I guess? Starting here. This is a fancy way of you saying that you're on the show right now? Yes! Okay, great. Well, Maxwell, good luck to you. I don't know if this is going to gain any traction. Can I ask a question of the timekeeper? Sure. Can you...

access the past? Like, can you go back? Are you a time traveler? Yeah, can you... I don't know that this has been established. That's what I'm wondering. Do you have any time powers? I feel as if this has been established. Has it? That you just like time a lot. Right. I access it through my memories. Okay, got it. Just making sure. That's time travel of a sort. Of a sort, yes. Every morning I...

flip through a photo album recalling past occasions. Every morning you do this? Every morn, which is a wonderful time. Are there times you don't like? Yes. What are the times you don't like? I've never heard you say you don't like a time. What's an unlikable time for you? 420. Oh, hey, hey. Why do you... I'm straight edge. Oh, oh.

Hi, how are you? It's nice to see you. Norm Hamer from Hamer Nissan out of Carlsbad. Wasn't planning on being here today. We are actually doing the Hamer Nissan Holiday Naughty and Nice Nissan Sentra Car Giveaway Contest. Oh, okay. You're one of our sponsors or something? Not yet. We can talk about that, though. I'd love to...

I'd love to get something hooked up. How did you just say that? I'll say this. When I'm running this show, this kind of shit's not going to happen. Who let you in here? Daryl. I don't know. There's no one named Daryl. Well, there was a guy named Daryl, and he let us in. He said, do what you want. Us? He let us in? Who else are you with? Well, I'm with the two finalists. Thanks for asking, and thanks for bringing it up.

These are the two finalists. We have Ming. Ming, go ahead and introduce yourself. Hi, my name is Ming. Oh, hey, Ming. Hi. Yeah, that's who I thought I knew. You know me. I live in Sherman Oaks. Yeah. I'm trying to win a car. I would love to. And you wanted to be a sports person for a while. I did for a minute, yeah. Yeah. Hot minute. And now I want to win this car. I don't want to be scrub anymore, you know, driving around. Sure, scrub is a...

What is a scrub, Scott? Won't get no love from me. Oh, all right. They're hanging out at the passenger side. Yeah, we're best friends. A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fine. Oh, okay. Hey, who is he also known as a... He's also known as a buster. Yeah, he's also known as a buster, yeah. Yeah, I don't want to be a buster. Who are you? Who are you?

Who was that talking with the very southern drawl? Hey, my name's Keith Jones. This is going to be my sixth car this year if I can bring it home. I hope you can. I professionally put my hands on hard bodies and...

And this is just going to be one more. Unfortunately, this contest is going on longer than I thought it was going to. This has been going on. And I don't even say why Ming is even here. He's not even from Carlsbad. He's from Sherman Oaks. There's no law. There's no law that you have to buy the car where you're from. There should be, and I'm trying to lobby for that. Now, this car contest has been going on since 2010. We've tied...

Previously, every time. Six years? You mean you've been holding the contest annually since 2010? Bi-annually. Twice a year or every two years? Is that twice? Semi-annually would be every half year. Right. Are you just saying you're bi? Are you just saying that you're bisexual? I've seen him have sex with men and women. So you're saying you're bisexual and you wanted to get that out there. We do it once a year, but I'm bisexual. That makes sense. Two of us. Bicentra.

By central. It's a centra. No, she's right. Car is a centra. Needle threaded. It's a giveaway of the centra. Every year we have tried a different. We've tried a different contest. We started with drawing.

Yeah, we had to draw the car. They had to draw the car. Oh, so not a drawing. No, that was a drawing of a car. In 2010, they each had to draw. They had to draw a center. Who would judge? I judge all the contests. Based on how much it looks like it? I do my best to be fair. And honestly, they both did a wonderful job. I did a sketch very similar to police artist type of sketch. No color. But of a car. And I did watercolors.

I painted it in watercolor. Is this from memory? Yes, we were able to look at the car. Do you get 15 seconds? We get to run around the car for 15 seconds and look at it, and then we get put in a room. Which was the contest the following year they had to run around the car. It's fascinating. He got very excited seeing us run around the car, so he made that the next contest. But every time we tithed.

Every time they've tied. It's only the two of you doing these contests? Since 2010, we've been both trying to settle this. No other entrance. It is a 2009 Sentra that we are trying to buy. It still has not been driven, though. It has 12 miles on it. It's a beautiful car. He swears he's not rolling back the mileage, but this car has been in an accident. I can tell. Ha ha ha!

It doesn't need a little, it's a fixer-upper, a little bit. But honestly, the point is, it's a beautiful contest and somebody's going to go home with it. Oh, hey, Norm, just super quick. So the first year was a drawing. The second year was a running around the car. Now catch us up in the intervening years. What was the contest? 2012 was a devil-dag-eating contest. But we both passed out. And then he... Right.

after eating 71 eggs. 71 and out. 71 deviled eggs. He pumped our unconscious bodies, stomachs, and he found a 71 egg each. Those were big eggs. No one was keeping track as

They ate them? No, we went in a dark room. You had to count because he got adjusted ashtar. They were still whole. There was no chewing gum. I'll take the fall. I'll take the fall on that. This is a bad plan. You got to count them as they go into the mouth. Tell me. We're five years later and this isn't settled. It was a bad plan. You know, after...

After everything there's been in the news recently about protests, it's nice to hear about a contest. Yes, thank you. Thank you, Maxwell. Can I quickly read the disclosure before we go ahead with the contest? Okay, go ahead. And again, it's a naughty or nice story contest. They'll tell the bestie that you just heard. You say it again? I don't think that you ever said this. I've said this a long time ago. You were fielding a lot of questions. I said it a long time ago.

I haven't said it in story. Here's the thing. I want to see one of these guys win a Nissan Sentra. I just need to know from 2013 to here how did these guys compete. I think we missed 2011 also. So I'd like to know what happened in 2011. I'd also like to know why the first contest was 2010. They were competing for a 2009 Sentra. It was an older model.

It was an end of year giveaway. We were trying to clear some space. Which is funny because it's technically a 2008. This contest has really reinvigorated things. Look, we don't have time to go into every contest, unfortunately. 2013 was a hands on a hard body. We put our hands on a bodybuilder's body.

My cousin Larry is an amateur bodybuilder. Very amateur. He's in bad shape. He's in horrible shape. Is he just a fat guy? Yeah, it shouldn't have been called hands on a hard body. Once again, a tie. We tied. We tied. You tied, yeah. Yeah, after saying that.

Did it erupt into a tickle fight? I have a question. Frosty the Snowman here. Could I have participated in the hard body contest if I just had sticks for arms? If I'd put in sticks on the hard body, could I have been a participant? I have sticks for arms. Sure. I don't have any problem with that. I'm in on this next year. Yeah. Well, hopefully you'll be in. But until we settle this one, we're not looking forward to a new contest. That's fair. I just hope, Frosty, that by the time this car is given away, it's still street legal. Yeah.

Because sometimes the laws are updated and it might not have the proper... That's true. Unfortunately, we can't be responsible for that. So what is the contest this year? Naughty or Nice. And they're going to tell their best deed of the year. Now this is the first we're hearing this. K-N-O-T-T-Y? And I've said... Oh, it's a rope contest. Do we have to tie a knot and then tell a nice story? Is that it? So...

We'll go ahead. And first, quickly here. I always forget to set the password for my car. A good deed from both. And starting now, the timer starts right now. My good deed for the contest is this last Martin Luther King Day. I was walking down the street. It's free parking. You don't have to pay the meter. And I see this Jewish lady. She's a hostage Jewish. And she's like,

And I saw she was going to put a quarter in the meter. I said, hey, you don't have to do this. It's Martin Luther King Day. And then she stopped. She saved a quarter. She did not talk to me because she's not allowed to talk to the man. That's not her husband. But I saw in her eyes the thanks. LAUGHTER

And time. That's my time. Time on your good deed, and we'll jump right into the good deed from Keith. All right. Let's see. Too bad, Maxwell, you didn't get to use the time over this one. You know, I was just trying to let him get to it. Go ahead. All right. Go ahead, Keith. The nicest thing I ever done was I raised $15 million for the victims of 9-11. What?

The clear winner. The contest is not over. The contest is not over. Let's see. So much money. You could have built a Westboro for Snowman. You could have bought several Nissan Sentras. It depends on the naughty. I really am curious about these naughties. There's a naughty? Also, don't act like this is settled because I have a real woman that I'm looking in her eyes. He helped, what, ghosts? Yeah.

I was going to say the victims of 9-11. He didn't give it to the family of the victims. He very specifically said the victims of 9-11. They don't need anything. Yeah, that's true. I buried $15 million. Ground zero. Ground zero. Wait, is it still there? Oh shit, this is going to be a race. Nick Cage is going to beat us all. Number three.

Mama. We did it. We did it. Here's what I love about those long shows, the holiday shows, is that by the end, it's

There's so much laughing. There's so much laughing and it gets really, really silly. And everybody is really punchy and it's – whoever the last handful of people are, that's always what the most fun ends up being for me from having been here for however many hours it's been. And especially when it's like –

Ryan and Drew and Jeremy and they come in and they're just ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of people maybe wonder how these shows are put together. Basically at the end of the year, it's kind of like – this is for the fans. Most years – here's how this particular one came together and why there are so many people on it.

Most years and with most episodes, I have to put out a lot of emails to get people to come, right? So it's a very difficult show to book, especially around people's schedules. So this particular time, I was like – and what these episodes at the end of the year are designed to do are to be like have all of our favorite people on that can make it and doing their favorite characters. And it's just a gift to the fans that we try to give. So this one, I was like, okay, I'm going to put it out to all the people and like every year –

50 to 60% will not be able to do it. Every single person, I think, said they could do it. I believe maybe I got like three people saying they couldn't do it out of the 25 or whatever. And then it was like, uh-oh. And you can't disinvite people. You can't disinvite people. Except Fritz Goldman. Fritz? You're disinvited. I said it's going to be like this. Get the fuck out with your 20 mil.

So with these, the challenge becomes, okay, how do you stack them? When do you invite people to come in? They can't be a – this particular one I believe is two hours and 45 minutes long or something like that. And what we typically would do, and this is how we have done it every year, is we schedule someone in maybe 15-minute increments and then say – and you can leave after your thing. We don't want to take up everyone's day. Right.

And somehow this particular year that we just heard and the one that we just had a week ago or two weeks ago, everyone wanted to stay the entire time. And in fact asked, can I come at the beginning and stay the whole time? A lot of times we'll try to stagger it out. So it's like introduce new people and everyone was like, can I just come at the beginning and just stay the whole time? Which is wonderful. Yeah. And just leads to them being insane. Yeah.

I don't mean the performers. I mean the episodes themselves. Exactly. But a little bit of both. Oh. Speaking of a little bit of both, let's take both commercials and a break at the same time. Good segue? Let's take commercials. We are going to come back with the top two. This is incredible. This is incredible. Now, let me just say this. Paul. If I'm not in – You've been in seven. If I'm not in one of these top two episodes –

If you're in one, will you be satisfied? Hold on a second. Scott, let me finish my sentence. Okay. If I'm not in one of these top two episodes, I'm going to be very angry. Okay. So if you're in just one of them, you're going to be okay? I don't want to...

You heard what I said. All right. All right. We'll see what we can do. You've been in seven of the top 16 already. I know. All right. When we come back, this is exciting. We're going to get maybe the answer to this question. Will he be in one of these? We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hi, Paul. Hi, Scott. Sorry you caught me in the middle of doing legal stuff. It's always a mess. What kind of legal stuff are you doing? Are you doing a will? Oh, my God. I'm doing a will. Great. Great.

Who are you leaving all your money to? Oh, to...

To Leona Helmsley's cat grandchildren. Cat grandchildren? Well, whatever pets that they have spawned. That she left her money to. She left her money to her pets. And if those pets have procreated, have any grandchildren. By the way, give us a grandchild. Please give us a grandchild. Well, look, can I ask you a question? What is your story going to be in 2018? I don't mean the Instagram story. I don't mean Snapchat story. My story in 2018 will probably be –

You know, just a guy who can't get his legal stuff straight. He's not good at it and he can't hire a lawyer. And so he's a failure. OK, well, it doesn't have to be that way, Paul. It doesn't? No. Let me throw you a lifeline. Please. Look, now that the holiday rush is over, LegalZoom can help you make this a memorable year before all the distractions take hold. What holidays?

New Year's? Did we have that already? What have you been doing the last couple of weeks? I got wrapped up in all this legal stuff. Oh, no. Trying to do it myself. I missed Christmas? You missed Christmas. Your wife must be furious with you. Oh, my God. My wife.

Oh, no. Did you leave her somewhere? She's at home. At the lawyer's office? I bet she's at home. Oh, gosh. Well, look, make this the year you finally get serious about launching and running your business. Okay. Okay? Jesus. Look, I hate to sound bossy, but this is something. Look, I admitted that I don't know what I'm doing. All of your friends have said this about you. Rest a little easier knowing your family's future is squared away with the right estate plan.

Okay. Oh, like for when I die. When you die, leave all your money to your wife. Honestly, not Leona Helmsley. No, your wife deserves it more than them. Well, please. Or at least our grandchildren. LegalZoom has been helping people like you, worthless people like you. Okay. Take care of their dreams and responsibilities for more than 16 years. Sounds like 16 and a half, maybe.

Yeah. Certainly couldn't be 20 because they would say 20. Yeah, yeah. It's less than 20. Yeah. I need someone to take care of my dreams. Do you have a dream catcher? Well, I have a dream catcher. Of course, I have been trusting my dreams to Lord Morpheus, the ruler of the dream realm. Of course. Of course.

But still – Oh, and Mr. Sandman. I've been counting on him to bring me a drink. Right. Of course. Two different guys. Yeah, two totally different guys. Look, LegalZoom is not a law firm, but they have the resources to keep you on the right path, including advice from their network of independent attorneys. All – you know those things at the ends of your fingers? Maybe.

My fingertips? Yeah, your fingertips. All at your fingertips. LegalZoom is right there at your fingertips. So now here's what I've been doing, okay? I've been going to the library...

Staying there all day. Sometimes hiding from when they close. So far, all fine. Coming out at night. Just poring over legal books. Sure. Just trying to understand it, and I can't. Well, look, LegalZoom, they're not lawyers either. They're not a law firm. No, they are lawyers. So why should I use them? No, they're not. It sounds like I got my plan. They're not a law firm, so you don't have to pay those, you know, the hourly law firm fees. And you don't have to sit there at the library using their slow internet to...

And doing it yourself, whether you want to take your business to the next level or take control of your family's future with an estate plan. LegalZoom plugs you and plugs right into your life so you can take care of the things that matter most. Wait, wait, wait. Is this the Matrix? They don't plug you like in the Wild West. I don't want to sit in some goo.

LegalZoom makes you sit in goo. They do? This is a call to action, yes. LegalZoom makes you sit in goo. If you're ready to sit in goo, call LegalZoom. I guess I am. I mean, it's better than my plan. Better than sitting at the library all day. Well, get off to a strong start in 2018 at LegalZoom.com today and get special savings when you enter Bang Bang in the promo box at checkout. LegalZoom, where life meets legal. Thomas.

Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. It is the 4th of January. Yeah, right? What do you got planned in January? Got anything going on? Well,

Well, I'll be in Sketch Fest, that's for sure. That's right. San Francisco Sketch Fest. We do want to make sure that people go see – you have several shows, but there's a tribute to you. Is that correct? Yes, that's correct. On the – is it the 13th coming up? I believe it is on the 13th, yes. And what is the venue? The venue is Marines Memorial Theater. Oh, yes. I've been there. We'll be there Friday night to do Spontanean Nation Live. Then I'll be doing –

Super Ego, Forgotten Classics. We'll be doing that live at the Brava Center. Then later at the Brava Center, we'll be doing Work Juice Improv Live. Then on Sunday, I'll be doing – I'll be participating in the Stinker Let's Loose live reading. Oh, that's right. That's a really funny book. Yes. That was written by whom? Someone wrote it. He sends me all of his books. Oh, what's his name? Anyway. Book Sender. Ian Book Sender. Ian Book Sender. That's right.

Tickets available at paulottumkins.com slash live for all the links. Ooh, mama. Okay, so that's coming up. Point, flat hand, fist. Point, flat hand, fist. What if he just said that?

And there was no promo for anything, not about the weather, nothing. It just came up on him. Point. Flathead. Fist. Dallas Raines, if you're listening, and undoubtedly- Please, Dallas. You can be a Twitter snitch about this. Send this to him. If you're listening, just do that one time. Please, Dallas. One time. Please. Who cares? No one would be that mad at you. You're an institution. They would love it. It would go viral. It would go viral. It's just you saying, point. Flathead. Fist.

It would be amazing. Also, come on the show. Come on the show and we'll have you do it on the show. We'll dish about what you think about Fritz. Fucking douchebag. Oh, my God. 20 million. Really made you mad. All right, let's get to it. This is exciting. Our top two episodes. Let's get to your number two. Number two.

All right. Number two. Can't wait to hear who's in it because, as I said before, if I'm not in these top two episodes, I'll be very angry. Okay. One of the top two episodes, you said. I said if I'm not in any of these top two episodes. You said you want to be in at least one. Scott, hear me now. Smell me later. If I'm not in any of these top two episodes, I'm going to be very angry. Okay. All right. All right.

Well, this is the episode that people chose as their number two. And this comes to us – this is episode 485. And it comes to us on May 1st. Does that ring any bells for you? Oh, communism. What does May 1st mean? May Day. May Day, of course. Yes, of course. By the way, I went to a Christmas party recently. Congrats. Thank you. Okay, so let's move on to – Now, hold on a second. Oh, there's more to the story. Now, my wife and I –

We were told most of the party is going to be taking place outside, so be sure to wear a coat. Okay. Did she wear that coat that I wanted to see? She wore that coat that I got her last year for last Christmas. Last Christmas, I gave you a coat, and George Michael died the very same day. And then I have a coat that—

That is a sort of complimentary coat, military-looking coat. Did you own this coat previous to the coat? Did you buy her coat as a compliment or did you luck into this? I lucked into this coat after having bought her that coat. That is an amazing serendipitous occasion. And so I had –

I had that coat and I was wearing a vest and a tie, festive holiday season. And I was wearing – I wore a cap, like a sort of military nautical cap. Military nautical. Yes. Okay. And so – and I had glasses on, rimless – these glasses, these rimless glasses as you see. Yes. And so when we were leaving the party –

We called a Lyft, and as we were getting to our car, there was another Uber Lyft guy leaning against a car, and he looked at me, and he had this wry smile on his face, and he said, you know who you look like? And I said, no. And he goes, you know Lennon? John Lennon? No. He meant? Vladimir Ilyich Lennon. Wow. Yeah.

He thought you looked like Lennon. Yeah, and then I saw a picture of us, and I was like, I get what he's talking about. Interesting. And did Janie look like Lennon's – No, she looked adorable. She's my precious wifey. I love her. Why wasn't I invited to this party? Ooh. I don't like this. I did not tell you now. So May 1st. May 1st does not ring any bells to you, but longtime first times of Comedy Bang Bang will know that the –

May 1st, actually, I believe, was the very first episode of Comedy Bang Bang ever. Is that so? Back eight and one half years ago. So is this an anniversaire? This is the eighth anniversary show. Anniversaire! And this is another one of these giant gang episodes where a million people are on. A bunch of people. A bunch of people. And wait a minute, Paul. Hold on a second. Are you telling me? Paul, I believe you're on this episode. Oh!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Your anger is sated. You will no longer be angry anymore. Well, we'll see. What do you mean? Was that what we'll see? No. We did see that, though. We did see that. Wait, are you still saying you're going to be angry if you're not in the top one? Let's just talk about this right now. Okay. Let's talk about this one. Let's break down who we have. Break down. See if you can guess. R.I.P.,

I know, right? I forgot. Yeah. Oh. It's good to forget these things sometimes. It is nice to forget when people are dead. You want to think of the Tom Petty's up there just jingle jangling away, you know, up and down. Jingle jangle? The drug from Riverdale? Is that really? Somebody told me that. I found this. I found this information the other day. That's like unobtainium. I was just talking about this with Sam. There is not only is there a drug called jingle jangle. God. But at one point a character says to someone else, I got a room at the Five Seasons. Right.

The five seasons? God damn it. And you know what? A friend of mine works on that show, and I'm going to have to take it up with him. Mr. Weatherby? All right. Give me the names. Let me see if I can remember who played who. All right. Who's zooming who? John Gabers. That's really tough. I bet he played Geno. All right. Lauren Lapkus.

Lauren Lapkus. She plays two characters, strangely enough. Oh, she plays two. She played Todd. No. Oh, I didn't even get one of the two. Nope. Regina Krimp. Regina Krimp, you are correct. And the other one I don't believe you'll know, Peanut. I forgot about Peanut. That's like Dre. Peanut was like a friend of Regina Krimp's. Maybe. I'm not sure. Zeke Nicholson, back again.

Playing the character that you thought. Bone Queef. Bone Queef, yes. Carl Tartt. Chief. Chief, yes, that's right. This may be the – I believe this is the origin, and we'll hear it, of hashtag Bone Chief. Mary Holland. Oh, Mary Holland played like a little boy? Chucky Spliff. Chucky Spliff. Mike Hanford. John Lennon. Of course. Jessica McKenna.

Oh, she played like a little gymnast. Dagmar the Small, yes. Tawny Newsome and Tim Baltz. They were the Urbanski brothers. They're not, strangely enough. What the fudge? They are characters named Bert and Raro Riley. I don't remember anything about them. That was a surprise to me when I read this. Ryan Gall. Norm Hamer. Norm Hamer, Drew Darber. Keith. And Jeremy Rowley. Nick Kroll. He was the Australian guy. Arsh Rift. That's right. And who were you?

You played two characters. Are you surprised to learn that? I am surprised to learn that. You played – take a wild stab at who these could be. Oh, no. You played three. You played three, my friend. I believe two of them were dedicated to recently departed characters that you had played before. Yes, yes, yes. Gary Marshall and Alan Thicke. That's right. You played those. And Cake Boss. Cake Boss. That is correct. Cake Boss.

So talk about your experience on this episode. We'll hear a little bit of it. Do we want to talk about before or after we hear some clips? Let's hear some clips. Let's hear some clips. Okay, we'll be – this is your episode number two. This is the eighth anniversary show. Bleep-blop. Number two.

Anyway, as I was saying 10 minutes ago, I don't have anything else. I do have supernatural powers. Well, I mean, maybe we could speak with someone. Look, 2016 was a very difficult year for the human race. Sure. But, you know, last year was terrible not only for all of America with so many people passing on, but for this show in particular. Some of our dear old friends passed away and are no longer on the show anymore. Maybe we could speak to one of them. What? Like who?

Well, I mean, there was someone who passed away who's been on the show almost as long as you, I would say. And he was a dear, dear friend to us and showed up in Toronto. And you were there in Toronto. I was there in Toronto. I made the Rob Ford cake. Yeah, you were there a day apart, I believe. And he was an old, old friend. And we never got closure on him. But our good friend Gary Marshall.

You want to talk to Gary Bush? Sure. Director of Pretty Woman. No, I know who he is. Oh, okay. Creator of Happy Days. Sure. All right. Well, it's been a while. Mm-hmm. Let me go into my trench and then see if I can- A cake trance. I go into my cake trench. Sure. I thought you said trench. No, trench. I'm sorry? A trench. I go into a trench. Okay, I got it. Do you need anything from us to get into this cake trance? Oh, my trench music?

So trance music? I mean, we never did it before. I don't think I have it on my iPod. I'm sorry. What about Trap House? All right. Here we go with the old trance. Cake boss! I am peering across the mystic veil that separates this world from the next.

Oh, spirits, attend me. Can you command spirits? I can't command, but please don't, try not to talk to me when I'm in the trash. It makes it very difficult. What? Did you get kidding? Suddenly? I'm looking for a man named Gary Marshall. Please call me Gary. Gary, you're back. Scott, it's me.

Gary Marshall!

Oh, he's still in there. He's still in there somewhere, struggling to get free. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, why have you disturbed my eternal rest? Gary, it's so, I just, you know, we never got to speak after your untimely death. Oh, probably because I was dead. Well, true. Do you think that's the reason? It could be. Is this a thing you say to a lot of people who've died? Hey, I didn't get a chance to talk to you after you died. Look, I don't get a chance to talk to a lot of people who've died. Maybe Chewbacca.

But look, we miss you down here on Earth. That's very nice of you to say. I guess I missed you too, although of course –

Looking down from heaven, I could see everybody and what they're doing all the time. Oh, so you've been watching us the entire time? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Among other people, yeah. Uh-oh. You're very naughty, this guy. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm just alone here in L.A. for a week. I'm cutting loose. I apologize for anything you may have seen, Mr. Marshall.

Oh, heads up. Just so you know. Hey, please call me Gary. Gary, right. You have Gary privileges. Oh, I like it. Gary privileges. Hey, just so you know, Joni died, but unfortunately Chachi's still alive. Yeah, I know. I know. It's too bad. Sorry about that, everybody. You still got to live with Scott Baio. Got to kind of swap him. I know. He's going in not a great order for the Happy Days crew.

Look, Gilly, by the way, I'm sure misses you. I don't know if you've been checking in on her. She misses my money, I'm sure. Yeah, well, she never got to lock that down because you had transported to another dimension. That's right. And never returned by the time. Oh, this is like mid-'80s X-Men. Mid-'70s? Mid-'90s. The Starlink stuff? Yeah.

What's heaven like? Can you tell us? Yeah, it's like exactly what you think it is. It's a bunch of clouds, a big golden gate. Everybody's got a robe and a halo. The Golden Gate Bridge meeting? Is that because that's the biggest suicide point in America? That's what they tell me.

They say, look, a lot of people, they're going to be coming here because of suicide. It's not a sin, by the way. Now they tell me. Wait, you would have committed suicide? There were some dark times, you know? Okay, I don't know. I remember one time I was hunting the chupacabra. Yes. And I thought I'll never find him. He doesn't exist. Maybe I should just end my life.

What am I doing? And then did you catch a glimpse of him? Yeah, I saw him. Okay. So when people jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, they want something that's reassuring. They jump right into heaven. Right. And they want to see something. It's to smooth the transition. Some people go straight down into the water and die, and then some people jump off the bridge and get fucking Star Trek-ed up into heaven. They get Star Trek-ed up into heaven. That's right.

You're not in murderer's heaven, are you? No, no, no. I'm just in the regular heaven. Regular heaven. The regular heaven. It's great. It's great. You hang around all day. You watch people on earth.

You know, you see where you watch them when they're sleeping. You see when they're awake. You know if they've been bad or good. Wait, is Santa an angel? What's that? Is Santa Claus, is he up there? No, Santa's not. Because he's a living person. He's in the North Pole. He's in the North Pole. You don't know about Santa? No, I know too much about Santa. He's ready to beat me up on several occasions. Seriously? Yeah. Oh, right, right. He's not a fan. Is it because your last name is kind of Jewy? No, it's because...

Okay. Okay. Moving on. I mean, admit, that's a kind of Jewy list. All right. All right.

It's funny to have the tables stirred because you're all the time, you're like, hey, Gary Marshall, aren't you Jewish? You're Jewish, right? Because I sound like this. I mean, to him, everything New York is Jew. Oh, yeah, you're telling me. This is West Coast. All right, all right. He's like, hey, show me your horns. He's from Orange County. We know where they, we know what color they believe. Come on, guys. Can I ask you a question? Do you miss Hector?

Oh, I think about Hector every day and I try to respect his privacy. You're so used to having him around. I know. Hector Elizondo, he's my good luck charm up until a certain point, obviously. Sure, yeah. Did you ever think while you were here on Earth, maybe I should lose Hector from these projects? Maybe he's the albatross.

weighing these things down. Oh, because none of my movies were successful, right? Well, after a certain point. They're only gigantic hits worldwide. Well, I don't know about it. Every holiday. Mother's Day. You can count on a good one. Oh, sorry. I don't have a perfect track record. Sorry. If only you would have lived eight more years, we could have had Halloween, Arbor Day, Earth Day. We talked about your version of Halloween. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Does Hector Elizondo make an appearance?

You bet your ass he does. He doesn't need that mask. That's right. At the very end. What a way less scary Mike Myers. Michael Myers. Mike Myers is a funny bad guy. Why not have a Michael Myers who's like a nice guy? He's like kind of paternal. Backwards Kangol hat on. No, that's Joey Pants. Oh, okay. You're thinking of Joe Pantoliano.

Yeah, aren't you? Yeah, I think I am, but other people could wear a kangaroo hat. I've seen Elizondo have it on. Yeah, I think Elizondo's one. Any bald actor likes to cover that up. I've never seen Hector wear a backwards kangaroo. Well, you're not around. Why would he hide this from me? Check him out. You can now spy on him 24 hours a day. I made a deal with Hector. I said, listen, when I go to heaven, I promise I won't watch you. Oh, so wow, he has free reign to do any kind of weird shit he wants. He can do whatever he wants. Wow.

Well, Gary, it's so good to talk to you. Please call me Mr. Marshall so I can later ask you to call me Gary. All right, Mr. Marshall, it's so good. Please call me Gary. Gary, we're back. It's so great to hear from you. We miss you. We want to leave you alone. Certainly, we want to respect your privacy. Thank you for once. But it's so good to hear from you. If this is the last time, you were such a great boon to the show, such a great friend of the show. By the way, I'm here too.

Is this Alan Thicke? Yes, it is. I think we're good. We have a lot of people on the show. Understood. Robin Thicke's father? Yeah. Sorry about that. Okay. Have you been having a hangout with Alan Thicke? More than I'd like. Yeah. Do they group the people who have recently passed away together? It's a very specific group. It's me, Alan Thicke, and Huell Hauser so far. Oh, boy. All right.

Well, Gary, it's so good to hear from you. Scott, it's good to hear from you, too. Listen, I want to say I miss you. It was so nice to be able to see you one more time. But now I got to return to heaven and enjoy my eternal reward, which is, I guess, just being alive forever and looking at people on Earth as they take showers. Watching us jerk off. Well, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you do it. You know, hey, why not? You'll see, I hope. Be good or be good at it. That's fun. We do have to get to our next guest, and this is really exciting for us. They've been on the show. Well, one of them's been on the show once, and the other has been on the show a few times, but it's always nice to see them. First, we have Bonequeef. What's up, motherfuckers? I'm back.

It's me, your girl, Bone Queef. Bone like a dog and queef like a pussy fart. Yes, Bone Queef. So nice to see you again. Yeah, Scott, how you doing, Boots? Good to see you, baby. I'm good, I'm good. And you're here with another guest. I'm not sure if you're here together or if you're here coincidentally at the same time. We're here together. This is my sister. You met her before, too. This is your sister? Please welcome back Chief. Greetings, Gumshoe. I've just flown the world to get here.

All the way from the Ozark Mountains. You see any drone tracks? Probably.

Excuse me? See any drone strikes on you right here? A ton. Thank you, Obama. I love you. So bone queef and chief, I guess I never realized that you were sisters, but I mean, your names rhyme, and a lot of people like to do that with naming their children. Yeah. We were separated at birth. Mm-hmm. My mom was like, this one's going to be called chief, and this one's going to be called bone queef. Bone like the shit that's left when you done eating ribs and queef like a pussy fart.

And wait, you're twins? No. We were just separated at birth. But your mom was not naming you, you were separated at birth, meaning you're twins and you were separated. We're two years apart. So you were separated at the younger one's birth. Yes. Okay. And your mom named you at the same time though. That's right. Yes. I'm older, but I did not have a name for two whole years. She waited.

Waited and waited. I don't know about this one, but when I poop another one out of my front, I'm going to know what this one's name is. My mother waited just like I waited in the Himalayas for one young Carmen Sandiego. That's right. We first heard from you maybe a couple of months ago, but have you tracked down Carmen Sandiego yet? I still have yet to track down that buzzling beast.

But I will. I will find her. And as soon as I find her, I will lock her up in handcuffs in my own personal Acme prison cell. Lock her up. Lock her up. Lock her up. Lock her up. Lock her up. Down with Hillary.

Thanks, Obama. I'm with him, whoever, anyone but her. Yeah, as long as it's not a her, I'm with him. This is not what the show is about. Maybe it should be. Okay. You know, people are tired of being pushed around. I guess they're tired of the Pod Save America and we need some sort of like equal time. God bless America. All right, guys. All right. So when did you guys find out that you were sisters? Right on.

We did the 23andMe shit, and it just said, this chick is your sister. Go find her. So then I took a quick little trip over to the Himalaya Ozarks where I found my girl over here. She was chilling looking for this motherfucker Carmen Sandiego. She ain't been found her, but guess what? I knew where she was. You know where Carmen Sandiego is? Hell yeah. That's ridiculous that she won't tell me.

You won't tell her. Nah, no, no, no. But I enjoy it. It keeps the magic. If I find where she is immediately, I won't be able to have a business anymore. That's right. My whole business model is surrounded by finding calm in San Diego. What about a rockapella? Do it. Do it.

Do it, Rockefeller. Did you check from Kiev to Carolina? Yes. Okay, that's all I remember. Because she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina. Chief, I have a question about your business model. Who is paying you to find Carmen Sandiego?

Nobody. The fever in my own heart. I lust after those milky white breasts. Yeah, that's one thing that we found out last time you were on the show. You're somewhat obsessed. She's trying to fuck Carmen Sandiego. Shut up, queef. Maybe that's why she's in hiding. Yeah.

My name is not Queef, it's Bone Queef. I told you this bone like I ain't got a jealous bone in my body and queef like a pussy fart. I barely know who you are. We are sisters. Have you seen Carmen's titties when she keeps that red coat on? Exactly. So that's my main mission. Is to take that red coat off? To take that red trench coat off.

What if she don't have tits under there? You ever think about that? Like, what if she just got like transparent orbs? She has two tiny red coats. She's like see-through all the way to the back. It's like, y'all know Topshoppy's selling them jeans that just got the transparent kneecaps? Yeah, it's like the So Fine jeans. Right, right, right. Yeah. What if Carmen Sandiego just has transparent boob region?

You just see the back. You just see through. She's got two hollow pits where her chest is supposed to be. And her spine, the T3. How lucky would that be? Well, then my life's work will be null. So is that the only part of Carmen Sandiego, Bone Chief, that you're interested in? Bone Chief, how dare you?

Don't associate me with this. That's our celebrity couple name. Please. Hashtag bone chief. Make that shit trend. Hashtag bone chief, by the way. Everyone, it's going to be trending by the end of today. It's a bit of a clumsy portmanteau. It's not really. It's sort of a perfect portmanteau. You don't like portmanteaus either when they're clumsy? You know, I can dig a little. It's a reference.

Bone Queef, what have you been up to? I mean, obviously you found this out and you tracked Chief down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've been looking. Yeah, I've been trying. Honestly, it's been a bit of a personal journey for me recently. You know, I have been alone in this world and I was like, I need to find my family, right? So yeah, I did 23andMe. I found Chief. I also found out that our last name is Saint Gynecologist. Saint Gynecologist.

So your last name is St. Gynecologist. That's right. I am Bone Queef St. Gynecologist. I chose not to take it. So that's not canonical for you. No. No. Yeah. So, yeah, it's been a pretty big, pretty big couple of weeks for me. Yeah. Real quick. Your mom never mentioned that someone was. Which one of you is older? Hey.

I'm two years old. So your mom never mentioned that you had a younger sister? Neither of us grew up with her. Well, yeah, that's what I was wondering. She got rid of you at two? She came in for two years, had another one, was like, I do not like the look of them together. And got rid of both. It just happened to be on the same day. That's right. On your birthday. On my birthday. August 6th.

1951. Jesus. Wait, Bonequeef, you were born in 1949? Yeah, blacked out crack, motherfucker. Ha ha ha ha.

Indeed, it does not. But I tell you what does crack. You're 69. That's right, baby. The best number. Same gynecologist. Yeah, bone queefs, same gynecologist. Bone like, ooh, hold up. I got a bunch of them. Bone like sticks and stones might break my queef like a pussy fart. Saint like St. James and gynecologist like a pussy doctor. Oh, boy. The queef is always pussy fart. No matter how many bone analogies.

analogy she comes up with. But also, people are more familiar with bone than queef, like as a word. Like to explain, bone is the part I think everyone's picking up on. So are you guys going to get together for family reunions now? Are you looking at the St. Gynecologist family tree? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're trying to find everybody that's in our family and simultaneously look for Karma San Diego. So it's a bit of a two-pronged path. She might be at the family reunions. Who knows? I

I did not want this woman to help me find Carmen San Diego. You're going to love me. I have always used preteens because they are the sleuthiest of sleuths. They're very nosy. Very nosy. By the way, you say you're helping, but you know where she is. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a 69-year-old woman. I know shit, okay? Okay.

I know where that bitch is hiding. It's in a log cabin, but I ain't going to tell you where. I don't want to hear. I didn't even want this meeting. I only took the 23andMe quiz because one time that Carmen Sandie. It's so funny that you can answer 10 multiple choice questions and they tell you who your family is. Just send in the Scantron. How much of it is trivia? Oh,

All of it. Five of the questions are just- Literally all trivia. It's ten multiple choice trivia questions, and in the end they say, you have a sister. Yep. Then you swab your DNA. Oh, the only reason I did it was because one time Carmen Sandiego spit in my mouth. Wait, so you have met Carmen Sandiego in person in the past? Not met, like, hello, how do you do? Just in passing. What happened?

Stop right there. You were passing by each other one day. She spit into your mouth. It was on the island of Saint-Dropez in the south of France. But what if her spit is actually the one that's assisted with bone queef?

23 and who? 23 Skidoo. Wait, how much longer after the spit in your mouth was the quiz that you took? That was in the 70s. 23 and me didn't come out until recently. Common San Diego, dude got strong DNA. Maybe that shit was living in there for 35 years. I try everything I can to find that Common San Diego. What have you tried? Huh?

You say you've tried everything you can think of. It's just a classic follow-up question, Chief.

Chuckie! Chuckie Spliff! Yeah, nice to meet you too. Hey, no, no, no. You never met me before. No way. I got a bunch of friends over there and we all work together and we, you know, take breaks and so I gotta go use the bathroom. Okay, well, uh... You gotta go bathroom? I gotta go bathroom real bad. Chuckie Spliff!

Chucky, have you always been a construction worker? Yeah, yeah, pretty much since everything I can remember. Wait, you can only remember back to a certain point? Yeah, I didn't really go to, well, I don't know.

What's your earliest memory? Here's the thing. I woke up. I was in a hospital room. Okay. How long ago was this? Were you an adult? You weren't born. Or were you zero? I think I was an adult because I was all hooked up to stuff and I was wearing a gown.

Only adults can wear gowns. Yeah, that's not specific at all. Hey, you think maybe you didn't wear your hard hat on your construction set and you got hit in the head with a big old beam? I don't know about... Hey! Wait a minute. Are you saying that because Chucky has 55 stitches in a horseshoe pattern around his skull? Yeah, what's the earliest date you remember? June 12th.

2017. Okay, that's a month from now. That's a month from now. Oh my God. Are you a time traveler? Holy shit, that's dangerous. I got a question. I got a name related question for you, boo. Oh yeah, boo. Is Spliff your given name or did you choose that for yourself? Spliff!

That's a family name. Do you even remember your name? Yeah. Chucky Spliff. You seem surprised by it every time. Yeah, you know, I remember everything that's ever happened to me. And it is another thing, too. Like Mary Lou Henna? Yeah.

So you got hit so hard that you remember every goddamn detail of your life. What were you wearing on May 3rd, 2009? Whoa. Whoa. I was, uh. Come to think of it, come to think of it, I don't know.

Wait a minute. Well, that's normal. Yeah, that's not weird. What did you wear? I don't know. No one does. It's not weird. The earliest thing you remember, you woke up in the hospital with a gown on. Yeah, so there I was in the hospital, gown on, TV on silent. A bunch of waitresses all around me. Waitresses? Waitresses. Were you hooked up with an oligon? Or were you at a scrub restaurant?

You had a scrubs themed restaurant? That feels like I was in a hospital. There's waitresses there. Everybody had a plate. But nobody was eating. But nobody was eating. What kind of food were they serving? Oh.

Just a bunch of wires and cords and stuff. Was it good? Were you in a best box? I don't know. It was... You got... Hey, sorry, sorry. Everyone back off. Everyone back off. Hey, let him breathe. Chucky, do you remember what was on the TV that was playing silently in the hospital? Yeah, it was some kind of cooking show. It was like...

I think it was a woman. She was standing in front of a table and she had a dog on the table and she was looking at the dog all around and thinking about how she wanted to cook it. Sounds like the Barefoot Contessa. It sounds like the meal before the koala cake.

You might have been watching Cake Boss. She was going to cook the dog? Yeah, yeah. She was going to cook the dog or something. She was looking at the dog. I don't know. So waitresses with trays of wires walking around. You're watching a lady cook a dog silently on the television. Was this a dream that you had? Or is life sort of like a dream for you right now? Life is like a dream. If I could only do it.

Describe what you're seeing right now. Okay, I see a spaghetti sack, a lot of trees, there's a man with cans on his ears. Well, at least that's accurate. Colloquial and accurate. Absolutely accurate. A stack of rocks, a Harvey motorcycle. Gumshoe. Harvey. Harvey Davidson, the Jewish motorcycle. Harvey.

I got here, I got a nice Harvey. I got a roulette watch and a Harvey motorcycle. Is that a motorcycle with like a giant rabbit on the back? Is that a goosey bag? Is that a motorcycle with a giant rabbit on the back? Or am I just happy to see myself? Anyway, back to my story. So there I was. There's waitresses going around trays of wires. And then of course, then of course. Of course. And then of course.

Of course. Someone comes in and he's a man. Who was it? You have a list, man?

It might be from the surgery. But he's dressed all in white, and he's really tall. And he's got one of those things on his head that's like a CD. He's got a CD on his head. Like a doctor's costume from the 70s? Yeah. Maybe it was a DVD. It could have been a DVD. That's a good call. Oh, yeah. I guess it could have been a DVD. Or a Blu-ray. Or a small laser disc. Yeah.

A silver LP. Yeah. So he came in and he leaned over me and he kissed me on my lips. Lucky. How was it? It was so sweet.

Is that what woke you up? No, I was already awake. I was like looking around and stuff. And he came over and he kissed me on my lips. And he said, Chucky, you're going to be okay. That's nice. That's a caring doctor. I think that might be illegal. You might have been assaulted in that Olive Garden. Slash breast buy. Breast buy? Breast buy, yeah. Breast like titties and creep like a pussy. So there we go, huh? Yeah.

Now you're happy. So how did it come about that you wanted to do this tribute to these – Well, yeah. Gary Marshall and Alan Thicke both died in the same year. And when Gary Marshall died, we had talked about maybe doing an episode really quickly with Gillian and – Well, I think that –

That, yeah, people – it's one of your most beloved characters. You did – have been doing this impression of Gary Marshall recently.

Almost as long as the podcast itself. And a loving – he's one of these characters that I really enjoyed interacting with because – One of my favorites to do. Just such an interesting backstory you created for him and what a great voice and also just an ebullient and joie de vivre. Vive! Vive!

About him. That's just fun to be around. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really enjoyed doing it. So when he died, I was very sad, you know? And that's the problem sometimes with doing these characters that are real people. James Adomian ran into it when Huell Hauser passed away and Christopher Hitchens and some other people. When you're doing real people, it's difficult. Yeah. And especially when you – if you have an affection for the person –

It feels weird to do it again. Yeah, if it was Tom Likas, then, you know, whatever. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. If I were James and I would do Tom Likas well after that. Yeah, the minute after. Yeah.

So yeah, I wasn't – so when we were talking about it, it was like should we do this? Can we do this? And you had only met – you had met Gary Marshall once. Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by all accounts, a really nice guy and just a bummer when he passed away. Yeah. And the idea of doing it seemed – Like capitalizing on it seems distasteful. Yeah, and it didn't –

Because I knew that I would have had the right intention. Like it would have been not exploitative. You would have had cruel intentions. Just spit hanging down. Oh, that's all I think of when I think of that movie. That's the only thing. It's from the commercial. Yeah. Hey, good looking. I'll be back to pick you up later.

Yeah, it just didn't feel right to me. And then after some time had passed and we were ready to – And then Alan Thicke was another person. You hadn't been doing him that long. But what's weird is in the lore of the Gary Marshall episodes, we had had Gillian Jacobs on –

every year and sometimes more than that previous to that and somehow she became intertwined with Gary Marshall's story where she became a seductress who wanted to marry him for his money and then Alan Thicke another impression that you did they were vying for each other somehow and then they both passed away within a few months of each other I believe and first of all people constantly writing to Gillian saying hey weird your husbands are dead I know

Which she thought was kind of funny, actually. I know. And she brought it up on stage, I think, at one point somewhere. I don't know. Yeah. Or on a radio interview or something like that. But for Paul, I mean –

It's unfortunate because those are two of your most beloved characters. Yeah, and it wouldn't feel right to just say, I'm a ghost now or whatever and keep doing them. I didn't feel – to be very clear, I did not feel like this was a loss for me. Sure. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is it's not a loss in terms of like –

Oh, that's less material like Avenue. No, it's just more like, oh, your impression of Gary Marshall was a tribute to a guy whose work has meant a lot to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're a big Frankie and Johnny fan. That declared a loon. Sure. Yeah.

But no, I mean, you know, it was a loving tribute. And so it's like, it's more distaste. It was felt more distasteful for you of just like, oh, let's leave this alone. Yeah. Yeah. Until enough time had passed where you came up with this great idea of you do an impression of another living person, Cake Boss. That's right, Cake Boss. Who apparently was arrested a few years back by what people send to us. Ha ha ha.

He was- On the regs? Arrested in 2014. Yeah. I don't know how- And yet people send it as if it's a new news story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really weird. He was arrested three years ago and said, don't you know- Don't you know I am the Cake Boss? The Cake Boss. And people sent it to us like, did you hear about this? You have to do an episode about this. Which we did. Yes. When it happened. When it happened. But Cake Boss, in the lore of Cake Boss- Cake Boss. If you've been listening to the show for a long time, Cake Boss, as Paul does it-

is a character who was bitten by a... A cake scarab. A cake scarab and a cake bug. He was bitten by both a cake bug and a cake scarab. First a cake bug, which gave him the power of the second sight. Power of the second sight. But then a cake scarab... Cake scarab allows him to speak to... Communicate with dead people. Communicate with dead people. Both fictional and non-fictional. Yes. As long as they have...

It's reasonable to assume that their character would be dead by now. They either have to have died, much like, hey, spoiler alert, Han Solo in the previous Star Wars. Now Cake Boss would be able to talk to him. Yes, exactly. But like Huckleberry Finn is another example. Absolutely. Turn of the Century hero could not possibly be alive. Any Mark Twain character, yes. Yeah, they could not be alive at this point. That's right.

So you came up with the idea of, hey, let's get him talking to Gary Marshall and Alan Thicke and just as – is it a saying goodbye in your opinion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was the anniversary show and this – and doing this show has meant so much to me and it's been such a big part of my life that it seemed –

I felt like enough time had passed where I knew I could do this in a nice and fun way that wouldn't be disrespectful. Disrespectful. Yeah. And yeah. And then, yeah. So I just decided to go for it. Right. So it's weird that it became so disrespectful and insulted so many people. I mean, that's where the moment took me. I was like, you know what? Fuck these guys. All right. We need to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have the top episode of the year. Scott, can I just say very quickly? What's up? If I'm not in the number one episode, I'm going to be very angry. Come on. What? You've been in eight of the top 16. You've been in half of these. That's only half. If I'm not in...

Okay. This final episode. You're setting yourself up for disappointment, my friend. So you're telling me for sure? I'm not telling you for sure. I'm just saying that this is not a good game to play. This is it. I am just saying that if I'm not in the top episode of the year. This is the most dangerous game. I'm going to be very angry.

All right. Well, we'll see. I mean, this is certainly a nail-biter cliffhanger. When we come back, we'll have your— You need your nails to hang onto that cliff! Stop biting them while you're hanging! We'll be right back with the top episode of the year, Comedy Bang Bang, after this. Yeah.

Hey, Matt Belknap, the new year's right around the corner. That's so true, Jimmy. And what better way to bring in the new year but by trying out a new podcast? Never Not Funny. Yeah. Now, we're not a new podcast, but maybe it's new to you. We might be the oldest podcast on Earwolf. Never Not Funny's been around, like you say, almost 12 years now. Yep. And some people are still not on board, which I find ridiculous. If you like people like Paul F. Tompkins, Scott Aukerman, Tig Notaro...

I don't know. Andy Daly. Yeah, Andy Daly. Conan O'Brien has been known to stop by. Yeah, we have all the people you love on our show. Zach Galifianakis occasionally makes his face known. He's on Playing Games. You know, I think if you are a little daunted by the two-hour runtime of Never Not Funny, check out Playing Games. It's a little half-hour game show version of what we do on Never Not Funny. It's a sort of more structured version of it.

Give that a try. If you like it, maybe jump on over to Never Not Funny. Or you know what? Just go deep dive. Put the wetsuit on and jump into the two hours of fun that is Never Not Funny. Never Not Funny and playing games. A better way to laugh. Comedy Bang Bang, boy, we're doing it. This is the final segment of our Best Of of 2016. Scott, you're right.

Everything you've said is true and I can back it up. Nope. I've lied eight times on that. I'm also a liar. Well, this is exciting. Every year we have a countdown and, uh,

Every year, you never know what you're going to get and you never know what's going to stick with the listeners. And this year, the top episode was by far the most popular episode out of the 40,000 votes. Let me see if I can bring up those stats of what percentage of the vote it got. While you're doing that, I will just reiterate to the listening audience that if I am not in –

This number one episode, I will be...

Very angry. Okay. All right. What are the stats looking like? The stats out of each – What's the tail of the tape? Out of each – this may not sound like a lot, but out of each individual – out of the percentage of how many votes it got as opposed to the other 60 episodes, it got close to 8 percent of the vote. So meaning that out of 60, almost 10 percent of the votes came to it.

meaning people were able to vote for 10, I believe. So almost everyone voted for it is what I'm trying to say because they're able to vote for 10, and if it got 10% of the vote, that means almost every single person voted for it. Okay, so that makes sense. This is the most popular episode of the year, and this one meant a lot to me. This is your episode number one. Number one. All right. Paul, you're hoping you're in this. I'm not hoping I'm in it.

It's just a statement of fact. It's just a statement of fact. If I'm not in it, I'm going to be very angry. All right. Well, this is an episode from July 24th, mid-year, some might say. That's right. Probably hump week of hump month, if you know what I'm saying. What is that noise, by the way? It's my chair, I think. Oh, it's your chair leaning back? Yeah. Okay. I thought it was like the computer breaking down or something. No, it was just like swirling from side to side. But Sam and I got very alarmed here, like, oh, shit. It's like we're on an old Spanish galleon. I thought a galleon was a coin.

No. It sure isn't. It's a ship. It's a ship. What am I thinking of? DeBloon? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I'm thinking of coin. Yeah, coin. Spanish coin? All right. This is an episode from July 24th. This is an episode called – and it's episode 500. And it is an episode called The 500th Episode. Now, Scott? Yes, Paul? I ask you to –

Read the names of the people that are in this episode. I'm going to read the names of the people and we'll see if you have any. And you know my rule. I do know the rule. Sam, if you could batten down the hatches, as it were, and just kind of strap everything to. Beady the tees. Just make sure that nothing is going to go flying if Paul hulks out here. H's. Batten down the hatches. I messed it up. A galleon is a coin in Harry Potter. Sam is finally listening. Thank you very much.

This is the kind of thing that I like Sam to do. This is great. He doesn't turn on the mic and doesn't – like most engineers would be like, oh, I got to get on a mic and tell him this. He's typing it out and showing it to me. I love it. And you're doing this in a big font. Is this an app? And by the way, don't turn up that microphone. Just type it out. You're doing this in an app or something? What exactly is this that you're using?

App called Big. App called Big. What a dumb name for an app. Two minutes later. App called Big. All right. Let's list them down. We have Jason Mantoukas. Another appearance on the podcast. This makes his fifth appearance.

Not bad. John Gabrus as what character do you think? I feel like you tipped it a little bit. I think it's Gino. I think it is Gino, yes. I could see your mouth forming the G. Right. Nick Kroll. A mailer daemon. No, he's Chupacabra. He's one of the very first characters he ever did. I believe because it's our 500th episode, he came and did Chupacabra. Lauren Lapkus. She was...

Big Sue. She was Todd, one of her most popular characters. Mary Holland. Mary Holland was another little boy. Probably. Tommy Scuzz. Tommy Scuzz, he's a little baseball playing boy. Right, right, right. And oh, looky here who's bringing up the rear. Paul F. Tompkins. Don't Hulk out. Scott, I couldn't be happier.

The end. The end. That's it? Yeah. God, the consequences of you not being in this were so great. Isn't this better, though? And the benefit is just you saying you're happy? Yeah. The end? This is better than me being very angry. All right. This was the 500th episode. When the 500th was approaching, we knew we wanted to do something special. I believe I talked earlier about Andy Daly and Jason Manzoukas doing –

I don't even want to spoil what I had planned for it because I may do it another time. Shrewd. But...

There were other things that we tried to do with it, and we may save those for a future anniversary or a special show. What ended up happening just because it was in July and no one's around necessarily is we – All the scrubs? No. It was actually – I was very happy that these particular people did it, but we ended up doing another one of these gang shows where a lot of people are on it. Yeah, yeah.

And it's very funny. It was a lot of fun. Why don't we hear it now? This is the episode you all choose with a bullet. Wow. To number one. This is the 500th episode, the number one episode of Comedy Bang Bang of 2016. Number one. Let me explain who's here. We have my intern, Gino. Is this Charles? Yeah, yeah, I'm just passing through. Is this a classic Charles already? Bye. You take care.

If this is your first time listening, because you heard that there's a big 500th episode. I would say hang up. Start at the top. Hang up. Hang up. Aren't these things on phones? Gino. Everyone's telling me podcasts are on phones. Podcasts aren't phone calls. They call in and listen. Wait, no. That's not how it works either. It's a two-hour voicemail outgoing. Ring, ring. Calling in. Oh, Chupa.

Yes. Is that the baby? It's a baby. Okay. He's calling in from a crib. Let me explain. Let me, please, let me explain who's here. Why? This is already retired train territory. They can read it all?

We have my intern, Gino. For 500 episodes, he's been to approximately .01% of those. Yep, that's about it. I need college credits, but I don't want to fucking do slave labor for you. He's currently pouring everyone waters. Could I get one? Yeah, hold on. We just got to get, for all the people in the room that have already been mentioned, I got to get them boys. We also have my nephew, Todd, is here. Yeah, I've talked about him.

How are you doing, Todd? My palms are hairy because I was turban too much. Oh, God. You were turban? Is that where you get pulled behind a boat in like an Indian man's headdress? Masturbating. Oh. Oh.

Todd, you've been masturbating in my house? Yeah, my palms are hairy as a fucking monkey. They traditionally have no hair on their palms. Your hands are as hairy as a monkey's, like, not palms. As a hairy ass. Their asses are hairless as well a lot of times. They're all hairless.

Eyeballs! Is that what you're masturbating to? Yeah, I love monkeys. Todd, I don't appreciate that kind of language. Please. How old is Todd? Middle school. Middle school. Fair enough. I couldn't get a babysitter today, so I had... I don't need a sitter. I can watch myself. You're in middle school, young man. Oh, thanks for the compliment. What, young man? Yes. Usually I call you a young lady accidentally. Yeah.

We also have, featured recently in the blockbuster movie, The House, we have Jason Manzoukas. Congratulations! Thank you so much, Chupacabra. Thank you, Scotty. Great to see you. Congrats on 500 big episodes. Thank you very much. You've been here since very early on in the podcast history. I don't know exactly what number your first episode was. I don't know either. But...

It's been about 450 with you, so welcome back. I'm thrilled to be here. 450 more! I've been helping Jason out record underground comedy bang bang episodes. What? Like splinter episodes. The shadow eps. On the dark web? They're called the shadow eps. You can get us, kids, and Molly from the same website.

And boner pills. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Gino gives me boner pills before we record every Shadow app. Yeah, we pop Cialis and just fucking record. Our faces are super hot and our dicks are mega hot. Okay, all right. I mean, I don't know how your face gets when you take Cialis. I'm young, I'm Gino. Yeah, Gino. Bye.

But he does. He keeps saying he's got that hot face. Got that Cialis face. I want to get that. Let me try it. We took one of those. That's too many. Don't get. Oh, my God. That's way too many. Todd has taken 20 Cialis pills. Nothing's growing to two inches. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Oh, Scott. You're doing a great job so far. Thank you so much. We also have Chupacabra, the radio DJ, who is... I'm letting you talk. Finish what you want to say. I'm not going to say anything. Okay, who is here? Yes! Cocorico! Cocorico!

Remember that? Just catchphrases? Yes. Think back 480 episodes. You say, Cucurico, you talk to a baby. Also, there's a goat. There's a goat. There's an old man. Right. They are all here today. They are rusty. We are very rusty. Ah!

Oh, that's good. So you won't feel good. No. I haven't seen you in a while, Chupa. Almost as if you retired. It's as if I had tired of myself. Well, thank you for coming back to Solid Radio. But I've also been in Mexico. You've been in Mexico? On a Mexican radio? Yes, Mexican radio. In barbecued iguanas?

How do you know that? It's one of my favorite songs. I'm a radio major at Nassau Community College. I listen to all songs on radio. Was there an entire class? There was one semester where I took a class on Radio Gaga by Queen, Mexican Radio by whatever band that was, and then Radiohead was a nine-credit class. Wow, wow, wow. Because they have several albums. So what's your favorite Radiohead song? The National Anthem. Wait, you realize that's not the actual National Anthem? Oh, say.

You asked me what's my favorite Radiohead song. I answered the question. The National Anthem. I apologize. When Tom York sang the National Anthem at the Subway Series. Todd's playing his super-erotic cock like a guitar right now. I've got one of the...

I've got one of those temperature things that you point a gun at someone, at food. A laser thermometer. Wait, are you talking about Mr. Freeze Gun? A laser thermometer. Todd's face is 110 degrees. Yeah, cook a turkey on me. Yeah, that's a good way to get out of, if you ever need to trick your parents. Wait, you cook turkeys on a 100 degree oven? Yeah, it takes 10 days. Slow and low, baby, that is the tempo. How do you know that song? Also a song.

I told you. Beastie Boys were on the radio. We had to learn about them at Radio Quiz. Wait, so anything that was on the radio you had to learn about? Oh, yeah, we did that. Everyday on the radio. Do you know that song? How do you know that song? I don't know that one. Because I'm alive. Okay. Fucking heard music from different eras no matter what I'm from. All right, Todd. Todd, I don't know where you picked up all this language.

Certainly not for me. I got it from you, Dad. Not your dad. Wait, that actually brings up an important question because there is a lot of talk online that people are saying that Todd is your actual son and that you are saying he's your nephew. That's ridiculous. I mean, obviously, my sister had you. How do we know for sure?

How do we know that your sister had Todd and that you didn't have Todd and give him to your sister? Yeah, like out your butt. Yeah. How do we know Todd's not a butt baby? I don't think Todd's a butt baby. I don't know. I can't tell. How do you know? Todd is the right to know. I smell shit, so? Have you guys ever met before, by the way, Todd and Gina? No, I'm scared.

He's not a stranger to me. I'm sweating based off how hot Todd's face is right now. Because my Cialis is so fucking hard. You gave him so much Cialis. I didn't give him so much Cialis. I said, look at how much Cialis I have. And then he Pac-Man them down.

Like power pellets. No water needed. Yeah, no, that was crazy. Great swallow on this kid. Hey, Gino, don't say great swallow on this kid to a middle schooler, okay?

Hey, the kid's got a good swallow. He cannot tell a lie. Should we do it? You're unable to tell a lie? I am brutally honest. Ask anyone who reads my Yelp column. Wait, what have you been reviewing? Do you still have a byline on Yelp? I just keep editing one review of My Hero on Jerusalem Avenue in Belmore and just keep adding to it.

Keep adding detail to it? Keep adding details to it, just life journey. Do you change details because you keep going? Or all based on the one visit? No, this is just one experience. I read this hysterical book. It was someone's diary, so I just started keeping a diary. And Frank? Yeah, the attic chick.

It's so funny. She couldn't go anywhere. No, it's hysterical. It's like Narnia, but without Mr. Tumnus. I've never heard that review. Mr. Tumnus. Oh, wait. That's what you're sexually attracted to? I like animals and humans. So what? Todd's dick just got harder somehow. Yeah, it's harder and smaller. It's visibly beating like a hot. It's like a marble. Ouch.

It looks like a bullet. Also, why is it Todd wearing pants? He said I have to Donald Duck it if I want to come on the ball. It's one of our rules. House rules. The house always wins. You know that, Jason. Yes, I do. If you can't beat the house, be the house. Exactly. Exactly. Um...

Gino, you all right? Oh, yeah. I'm just thinking about that book I read, that hysterical book. Yeah. Be quiet. The bad guys are downstairs. That's fucking wild. Gino, you know that's a true story, right? I have a crush on Hans. I hope he says something to me when I see him later.

Have you finished the book yet? No, not yet. No spoilers. I want to see how it ends. I'm excited. What do you think is going to happen? Oh, I think she's going to find love.

I really would like for us to be on this show together when you read those. Could you Skype in when you're reading the final chapter? Oh, yeah. I mean, I might do a thing where I, what is it called when you get a book over voicemail and you listen to it on your phone? Nope. Like an audio book? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not on voicemail. When someone calls in and reads a book to you. Yeah, yeah. I got John Goodman's leaving me voicemails on my Audible app all the time.

He's reading the dialy of a drunk man.

Yeah. Why is he reading that? I guess Anne Frank was too expensive, they said. This is, by the way, the show where we talk to interesting people. That is our new tagline. I think it says it all. It's succinct. It really says exactly what encapsulates this show. Who's the we? The show where we talk to interesting people. Who's we? You're always alone, Schizo. Wait a minute. You guys don't exist?

That's, yeah. Are you telling us we're living in like, what's, Identity? Yeah. The John Cusack movie? The John Cusack motel jury movie? Do we all have the same birthday? Every one of the pictures that accompanies this fucking podcast is just a picture of you alone on a couch. Really? Yep. Is this like a leftovers thing where I'm seeing people that-

I'm sorry. I know I gave leftovers. I gave leftover spoilers recently too. The spoiled leftovers. Don't eat them. I didn't want to say that. You made me. But we have a new segment that Todd wants to do called. Are you ready to do it?

You told me you have five different oy-oy-oys. So here we go. Everyone, this is Todd with his oy-oy-oys. You thought it was nighttime? It's the puppy of the night. Oy-oy-oy.

Four more. Do you have anything that maybe you came up with before you said that? If you ever go to a luau and you see the girl shaking her rump, you can't touch it. Oy, oy, oy. When did you go to a luau? At a luau, it might more be like a poi, poi, poi. Or a poi, oi, oi. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

That did not sit well with some of our guests. All right, we're retiring that segment. Fine. And next time you have a segment, you better pitch it to me in more detail. Fine! God, Todd. I'll fucking kill you. Oh, shit. I hate you. And I hate that I just sleep in bed next to you. Wait a minute. We don't. What am I? What am I, Rockefeller? I can't afford other beds. He balls up.

his pairs of underwear and makes a line between them. It's like the Great Wall of China. The clean or the used? The Great Wall of China. Oh. We're both boys. As we always say. You both say to each other we're both boys and then go to bed in the same bed? You better come clean of whether you're her uncle or her dad because if you're her dad you cannot sleep in a bed next to him.

It's 2017. You got to throw around. You got to be gender neutral with your pronouns. And he's been great. I've been pissing in a lady's bathroom at every restaurant I go to. Exactly.

What was that last restaurant you went to? I went to My Hero on Jerusalem Avenue in Philadelphia. Yes, I know. We know. And you could fucking drop heat in the ladies' bathroom. I don't know what that means. It means blast one. A big sloppy deuce. Oh, okay. Steaming out your bum. You're not turban. No, I'm not turban in there. Turban in the ladies' restroom? I wish.

Turb it in the girl's room. I can only turb when I'm lying down. My shoulder hurts too much if I'm standing up. Really? Really. I need to be lying down with my dick pointed at my face. That feels true. Pointed at you? Feels real true, trust me. So specific. Get a hot face and then turb it up. What's going on with your shoulder, though? Yeah, I think I have Tommy John. Tommy John the underwear? Tommy John the underwear. I got it stuck on my arm.

And I fucking, I was embarrassed. I was like, how do you try? I was at Macy's and Roosevelt Field Mall. Wow, felicidades. I didn't realize you were rich, Gino. Yeah, I got a little bit of money from the settlement. Oh, wait, what settlement? You haven't told us about this. I never told you I was a bait boy for the Catholic Church. No, we have not heard about this, Gino.

You were a bait boy. I was a bait boy working with the FBI. And then I ended up having to sue the FBI because they let me go. Because I got what they call in too deep. Yeah.

Oh, no. How long was this and how old were you? I was a concubine for a few different priests. A concubine? So you got in too deep and so you had to sue the FBI. Well, here's the thing. They hire these kids to go undercover into the Catholic Church, you know, be altar boys and shit like that. It's like a 21 Jump Street situation. Yeah, sort of like that. You're a bitch. It's like The Catcher Predator, the only show where you actually feel guilt for pedophiles. Oh, my God.

Right? I feel guilty. Is that the tagline of that show? Yeah. It's like humanizing pedophiles since 96. I love it when people are embarrassed on TV. I love it. It is really. I love that. It's not a jackass type of show. It's fucking funny. It's a prank show. It's one of the best prank shows. Yeah, they think they're going to hook up with that little

girl and then it turns out she's 20 and this is all joke I like when a fat weirdo shows up with a six-pack of Zima to hang out with a 14 year old fucking nasty freaks she'll die I don't want you watching that show

Yeah, so I was undercover as an altar boy, and I was just getting turned out by a bunch of these priests. But how old were you, Gino? I was 17. 17 seems quite old. Yeah, but I'm very skinny, so I look really young. Yeah, and I'm underdeveloped because I don't have any body, like real muscle mass or anything like that. So I'm what I guess is called a twink. And these guys, you know, they turned me out. They shook me around. Stop saying they turned you out. Yeah.

They shook me up, spit roasted me, flipped it and reversed it. No, come on. No. They misdemeaned Elliot and me. They turned it into a verb. No. Got a purse. Let me search it. And they would put both hands up my ass. Why would you let them do this? I did the thing.

you know, like that they do at Sesame Street where those grown men have their hands up their little things' asses and they're talking. Oh, those are puppets. Yeah, yeah, I did that. I was puppeted by a couple of priests as far as some sort of act of contrition thing. You don't know what puppets are? Was it a show? By the way, those are puppets. I read about this. The FBI said you were not actually working for the FBI during this. I misread an email. What email did you get? Her emails. Exactly. Lock her up. Kill her. Lock her up.

I was fucking... Look, that's the thing. And so I thought I was undercover. So I come to the FBI and I'm like, guys, I got plenty of evidence. They're like, we don't know what you're talking about. I was like, I guess I'll go get more evidence. So I went back into the rectory for another year and I was wearing a wire.

What kind of wire? What do you think is a wire? Oh, I had like a choker necklace. I had a mouse tied around my neck, a USB mouse. Oh, no. Now they make them wireless. Now I know. So I'm in there, and they're fucking slapping me around. Okay, we don't need the details. They're filling me up. We need more details. They coin star me. Do you know what coin star is? No, what is that? They fill your ass up with change and then pull dollar bills out of your mouth. I don't know.

How is that a thing? I don't know. They're the fucking priests, man. Wait, is it a magic drink? I think it might be a magic drink. What happens to the change? They go like water into wine, quarters into five. So it's transubstantiation. Yeah, it's consecration or something they call it.

Look, long story short, I get out there. You're shorter. Shorter. The FBI goes, look, we don't know what you were doing there. And I was like, I'm suing you guys. And if this story gets out, you're fucked. So then Comey came to my house and handed me the book. Comey himself? Comey? Wait, how long ago was this? This guy's a fucking freak. Is this going to be in his book? This was three years ago. Wait a second. I'm 20. You're 20? Yeah, I'm 20. I'm a fucking college intern. I'm in. That tracks. So.

So he came to your house. So Colby came to my house. We played one-on-one basketball. He fucking crushes me. Oh, of course. He's like 6'7". Yeah, it turns out. He was sitting down when I challenged him. You challenged him. I was like, if you... Wait, you challenged him to one-on-one? He said, we can't give you this money for the lawsuit. I'm like, if I beat you in one-on-one basketball. Because we have a hoop outside my mom's house, right? That's great, man. Lucky! Congrats.

Congrats. How'd you get that? Oh, my mom shaved up for a decade. Do it, dad. Put it on layaway. Oh, no, I'm not going to give you a hoop. Oh, wow. I want to play hoops. Did you see? Todd called Scott dad and Scott answered. Yep. See, detective?

C, detective. Cunt detective. Okay, look. Come on, Scott. Is that the end of your story? So he ended up beating me. He ended up beating you. But out of sympathy, he gave me 100K. 100NK. Gave me $100 and a big-ass bag of ketamine. Oh, no. And I was able to sell that ketamine for another few hundred bucks. Now I have that money to do whatever I want. That's great. Because that's how I got the money to do the thing you got me set up for. What's the kid...

Crazy molested by priests for a number of years. That's it. I made out with $800. Number one. And there it is. The number one. Cal Solomon, we should mention. You can put your phone down. I was trying to close the app.

But still appropriate. Still appropriate to celebrate. You were Cal Solomon, we didn't mention before we went into it. That's right. Doing the script about – His own straight out of Compton type script of his story. Of the Sugar Hill Gang. That's right. Well, that does it. I mean let's run down some of the stats. Paul, nine points.

In nine of the top 16, nine of your 11 appearances were in the top countdown. Well, that is very gratifying. And it's a testament to your work here on the show. Thank you. You did some great work on the show this year, and you were by far in the most episodes. Jason Manzoukas follows you being on five. Five of his episodes were in the top 16. John Gabrus and Drew Tarver were in four episodes.

Tied. Tied. I wouldn't have thought Drew Tarver necessarily would have been four, but he was always playing Keith in those big gang episodes. And then he ended up in that other one. Yeah.

The people who were on three were Lauren Lapkus, who, by the way, was out for a long chunk because she was in England filming her movie. That's correct. So I feel like she's a little underrepresented on the show this year. Who knows what could have happened had she been around? That's true. Don't take work when you're offered. Oh, watch the throne. Lauren Lapkus, Nick Kroll, Zeke Nicholson, Tawny Newsome, Mary Holland, Ryan Gall, and Tim Baltz were on three of these episodes. Wow.

The best run of episodes, the consistent stretch that was voted on with the most episodes was 510 through 518. Wow. That was Pound Foolish all the way through.

Let me list the ones that are in there that were voted on. We had the more Zooks Nick interruption. We had what's your aim with Bobby Moynihan? We had pound foolish. Of course, corn dog horn dog was five 18. We had the Calvin's twins return. Those were all in that stretch of five, 10 through five 18 that got a big percentage of the vote for,

No episodes from January, June, or August were in the top 16. Wow. And that's just what happened. Not to say that those were lean months because some of them were just in the bubbling under countdown. And I'll tell you some of the ones that were bubbling under. I mentioned Return to Suicide House Part 666. That was in the top 10 for a while and then just didn't get enough votes at the end. Who CB beefed?

Was just under. And the other one that was in – it got all the way up to I think six at one point and then dropped out of the countdown late was Solo Bolo Sin Colo. Solo and each – or this is the fifth Solo Bolo that Ben Schwartz and I have done. I believe three of them have been on the top ten – top countdown each year. And this is the first –

First year that it is not represented on our countdown and was popular enough to be voted early on but then didn't get enough votes late. That's interesting. It is interesting, isn't it?

It is. I said it was. It is. This year we had some wonderful episodes. We also had some wonderful musical guests that I want to – That's true. Musical guests that I want to highlight. Electric Guest. That's right. Was a wonderful band that came on. American Football made their second appearance. That's right. They're very charming guys. Our old friends. Manchester Orchestra, a great band that I had never met before –

who let it be known that they were fans of the show and wanted to be on. And I loved their records and was surprised that they had listened to it so much. They did a wonderful episode with Jess McKenna and Zach Reno.

Of the Off Book podcast where they improvise a musical the whole time and they got to improvise a song with Manchester Orchestra. That's pretty amazing. They got to do with Manch Orch. Also, The National was in one of the episodes this year where we got to travel to Fleetwood Mac's studio and watch them play a little mini concert for us. Fleetwood Mac? Yeah, we watched Fleetwood Mac.

We were like, honestly, National? We prefer them. And Mr. Heavenly, of course, was last – not last week because that was the best of, but the week before. That's the Engineer Bretts, the band that he is currently serving under. And that wraps it up for the countdown. Paul, what do you think? Scott, I think that last year was a great year for the podcast. As you know, I'm a listener as well as a participant. You're also a member.

That's right. And so many fun and funny episodes. Um, and, uh, it was fun to see so many, uh, new people and people that have become, you know, recent regulars. Um, it's been a ball. It's been a really entertaining year. And from what I see people talking about online, they agree that this has been a very strong year for them. I think this was a strong year. I think it was fun for me. Um,

Look, every week is a new adventure for the show. We're not doing a show where we do the same thing every week. It's a variety show. And every week –

It sometimes runs the gamut from, hey, let's put these people on the show who work together a lot, like episodes like the Morzooksnik interruption. Those three guys are great friends and vacation together. And, you know, you know when you put them together, they're going to have a lot of camaraderie, much like the pre-chowder episode with John Gabrus and Manzoukas and you and I. You know those episodes are going to be fun. Yeah.

But the fun for me to do the show is also the episodes where, hey, these people have never met before. And let's see what comes out of those. And there were a lot of new people that we worked with this year who have never done the show before or are just starting out to do the show. It's great to see people like –

Tawny and Ryan and Drew and Zeke and Carl in so many of the top episodes. It's great to see that. I hope that as the years go by, if the show continues, that that is the case where there will always be turnover and old friends come back. But the goal of this show is to introduce new people and just do new things. That's something that I never want to just have a show where –

People say like, oh, I listened to it for – I'm sure people do say it about this. But, oh, I listened to it for a while and then it got to be the same thing over and over. So I just stopped listening to it. I want there to be turnover and I want new things to happen. Absolutely. And, you know, 2018. We're here. We out here. We out here. Definitely. Who knows what the future holds for Comedy Bang Bang? No one. No one.

No one does. No. I do know that on Monday we'll have our traditional episode with Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sanz. That's a tradition that we have kept for quite a number of years. But after that, I do think this year, without making people run into a panic, this year may be a transitional year. I don't know. May something –

Maybe different about this year. I don't know. I don't know. Your glasses are going to turn into sunglasses? I think, yes. Transitional year for me. This is exciting. We don't know. We don't know what's going on with Comedy Bang Bang, but it is the greatest pleasure of my life to be able to put out the show every week and as long as we have done it. And the fact that, honestly, this year I was kind of like, are people still listening to the show? I haven't looked at the stats yet.

Or numbers of how many downloads or listens we've had on it for a long time. And I've just kind of been doing it and been in it. And towards the end of the year, I was like, are people listening? I can't tell. I can't really tell. I know that people are very nice and send nice messages and people do listen. But I was like – so to see that we are in the most downloaded –

podcasts of Apple comedy division. There's a lot of qualifiers is, is great to know that people are still out there listening to it. And, and I appreciate them doing it. I also want to say, Paul, thank you very much for making time for eight years now to do this with me. Not only the best ofs, which take a long time. Look, honestly, we, we've started this

Seven hours ago. Yeah, we started at 10 a.m. today, and it is now 5.14. So we started a while ago. I appreciate you clearing the decks and your schedule to do this, and not only that, but also doing the 11 episodes you did, and nine of them being such great quality. I don't know what happened to the other two, honestly. Yeah.

I'll just have to try harder next year. Okay. Well, we'll see. Scott, thank you for that. And I want to say thank you to the fans, the people who have discovered me through this show and have said such nice things and have been so supportive. It means a lot to me. And even though I don't,

I find it hard to respond to people who say nice things because it feels – I get a little embarrassed. Well, also it's – I think the way you were brought up, it's you feel like, oh, I don't – I shouldn't take advantage of this or I shouldn't like validate this because maybe you don't – it's not that you feel like you don't deserve it. No, that's exactly what it feels like. I was brought up to feel that I was good. You're not worth the paper you were printed on. No, that's right.

Not even good in concept. So it does mean a lot to me and I am always appreciative of little notes that people send me. Please know that I – that does not mean nothing to me. Yes. Myself as well. I don't often respond mainly because I don't want to be online all day. But I do appreciate –

Anytime anyone sends me a nice thing, don't like it when people send me the mean things. I like those less. It's true. I like those less. But it does – it is really gratifying that people listen to the show. And I want to say that – I've said this before and I'll say it again that the hours that I have spent –

with you in this room have been among the happiest of my life. This show means a lot to me, and I am very grateful to you for having me be a part of it. Thank you very much, Paul. And this is, I believe, the last episode ever that we're going to record in this room. Oh, that's true. Because the studio's moving tomorrow, I believe. So this is... I meant this room figuratively, because I'm counting the previous studios. You're counting the previous ones, yeah. What about that crack den that we used to record in? I had fun there, too. Yeah, me too.

It was fun. Yeah. Even with all the people shouting outside the window. Absolutely. They wanted crack.

Well, I also want to thank everyone here. Oh, but we're moving to a new – to a bigger studio. To a bigger studio, yes. That's happening in the new year, yes. So the next episodes that you hear from this show will have a different sound perhaps. But this is a wonderful room. And I remember I – I believe I taped the very first episode of a podcast in this room, the You Talking U2 to Me that we did when there were no yellow things on the walls. It sounded a bit echoey, I believe, to me.

We were the first show to ever record in this room. Wow. Are we the last to ever record in this room? Or there's probably some things going on tomorrow. There can't be. I bet there are. Don't let anyone record in here. Don't let anyone record in here. Bar the room if you can. I don't care how fucked up the schedule gets. Make them all go in the next studio. I don't give a shit. Make them all go in the other room because this is mine, baby. Oh, I say baby too.

Sam's typing out furiously, Hollywood handbook. Oh, perfect. Geez, they're the last ones? Perfect. All right, that's perfect. Let the last show be the least listened to show. The very most of us be the least of us. I also want to thank everyone here at Earwolf and Midroll. Thanks to the engineers who spend so much time having to listen to us. And honestly, you get paid, so it's a fair trade. What?

No, we've had such a great staff here pretty consistently. Sam, I'm going to allow you to turn up that mic one time. One time? One time. How long have you been working here? Four years. Four years? How long does it feel like?

Exactly four years. Really? To the day? To the minute? One to one. That's not bad. That's pretty good. I don't – there are very few jobs that I've had consistently over four years. The Comedy Bang Bang TV show and doing this podcast are about it, and I'm not here at this podcast all day every day. Yeah. So that's very impressive, Sam. And Brett has been here even longer, and Cody. Somehow he's still here. Right. It's weird. We got Ryan, of course. Who am I missing? Am I missing anyone? No.

I think that's everyone that works here. That's everyone. And not only the people who record the shows, but the staff out there who schedule the shows. And much like Mussolini, make the trains run on time. Yeah.

Very appreciative to them. 2018 is going to be interesting. We'll see what happens. But thank you to everyone who listened. It is really great. We're going to take you out on another song that, and this is a long one, so you may have noticed we're saying goodbye even with, you know, 14 minutes left to go on the show. Is it that long? It's very long.

This is from the episode that I mentioned, Solo Bolo Sin Colo, that dropped out of the top countdown. Every time we do the Solo Bolo Sin Colo, Ben and I do something called the Olympic Song Challenge. Now, this is where one of us starts singing a song, and that leads the next person to think of a song and so on and so forth, and we see how long we can go. We've never done one this long before. Yeah.

This is a very long one. And the interesting part about it is over the last few, maybe all five, I don't know, a gentleman by the name of Michael Hartigan, who's out there, has taken these long, sometimes arrhythmic,

And maybe they go in and out of tune perhaps. Unlistenable. Okay. That's a little too far. But he's taken these improvised songs that we sing and set them to beautiful orchestrations that he creates. And this time when we finished, we knew it was going to be a challenge and –

it was going to be the toughest one that he ever did, but somehow he pulled it off. Michael, you pulled it off somehow. And this is the best one he's ever done. This, I mean, honestly, knowing what, what we did and how he strung it all together, it's really quite impressive. So I wanted everyone to hear it, to take us out to the year. This'll be it. Paul, Sam, thank you very much. Listeners. Thank you. And we'll take you out and we'll see you on Monday with the first episode of 2018. Take it away. Michael Hartigan.

Thank you.

You see her Sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say But there's something about her And you don't know why But to die in the dry You gotta kiss the girl Sha-la-la-la-la-la Don't be shy Goodbye You gotta kiss the girl Girl just wanna have fun

Oh, girls just want to have fun. That's all they really want. When the working day is done. Oh, girls, they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have fun. I made it through the wilderness. I made it through. I didn't know how lost I was until I met you.

Like a virgin. Hey! Cutting for the very first time. Like a virgin. Feel your heartbeat next to mine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, here she comes. Watch out for her, she'll cheer you up. Whoa, here she comes. She's a man-eater. One, two, three, four. A man-eater, private eyes. Watching you. Keep on rolling. Keep on rolling. I'm talking about rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. To the river. She's a man to the river. Oh, good one.

Drop me in the water. Take me to the river. Washing me down. Washing me down. Rain drops keep falling on my head. Let down the mean that I can only feel. And let, let get on the bed. Let get on the rain. Drops keep falling on my head. Abrella, umbrella.

I wish it would rain.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl look good, I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit and a hat with a bat, a six-point baller. Yo, I wish I had my way, cause every day would be a Friday, and you'd even speed on the highway. I would play ghetto games, and my kids' ghetto names was Lil' Moof, you big Al Ray. Hey, ladies in the place, we're calling out to you. There's never been a city kid truer or blue, well, more to me than you ever know. And I got more hits than Shara Dower O. Tom Freeze, Tom Cush,

Get your hands up.

A tale as old as time Like bread without the yeast Maybe no one cares But here's a little dare Beauty and the Beast What's this? What's this? It's something very strange What's this? What's this? It's ramble-do-ble-doo I can't explain it's a bit What's this?

Our guests be our guests, put our service to the test. Try a dish and run your deck, pity and we are rather than soup dessert. And I'm here to tell you that I want to try the dishes, it's delicious. You've never had a friend like me. Talk about pretty, pretty.

I'm the liar.

And you buy magic. Hamburgers that talk magic. Hamburgers that talk magic. Hamburgers that talk magic. On the outside, always looking in. And I'm always waiting for something to begin. Cause I'm tad, tad, tapping on your ass. Waving through the window. Whoa.

Everybody knows, everybody wants, M-I-C.

Hey, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey. You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine. Why? Because we like you. M-O-U-S-A. Ow. Ow. Ow.

She's a brick house. She's mighty, mighty. Just let it all hang out. She's a brick house. She's mighty, mighty.

You say the word hoser.

Don't want to be away in the world today, takes everything you got. The mainland bound and all this city shouldn't help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Say my name, say my name. Whenever you're around me, say baby you love me. If you have a running shame, say my name, say my name. When you're acting kind of shady, I'm calling me baby. When I say your name, say my name, say my name.

Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automobile bills? Can you pay my automobile bills? I don't think you do. So

It's a ball game.

Because my love and the rest won't matter. It'll never divide. It's a wedding of ten on the I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-S-E-R. Guess to be, I guess, but I'm service to the test. Dr. Lent, get on the next level, buddy.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

M-I-C-A-M-I-C-Y-M-I-C-A-M-I-C-A-C

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Earwolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

Thank you.

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

Just search for Earwolf Presents in your podcast app and subscribe so you don't miss an update. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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