Best of 2018 Pt. 1
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Comedy Bang Bang

Reese's Pieces for all my nieces and a curfew or two for my nephew. Get to bed, kid. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That one doesn't work. It does not work. I think... It's Reese's Pieces. I know. That's how it's pronounced. Reese's Pieces. And I think there's also... They were trying to go for an internal rhyme of curfew and nephew, which also doesn't work. Nerf you. Nerf you. Do you think Medea wrote this? What time does that clerk say? Oh.

Good afternoon. But thank you to Reese Makes Words for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And welcome to the show. This is Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. And I'm speaking to you, of course, personally. And now let me talk to the listeners out there, if I may. Be my guest. Thank you for listening to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Put my manners to the test.

All right. By the way, Paul F. Tompkins here has turned into a talking spoon in the time between the last episode. This is not great. Because, I mean, first of all, the spoon, would you agree that the spoon is the least used item of cutlery? I wish I could say that's true. Really? I...

People are using me to stir and scoop all manner of things. But that is primarily a spoon's bailiwick, is it not? Well, yes, but I've never been a spoon before. How did this happen to you? I was doing cocaine with a genie. Just one of those crazy things. I made fun of his Coke spoon and he turned me into one. Oh, no. Wait, so you're a Coke spoon? I'm a big Coke spoon. Oh, okay. Well, the genie was very big. When you say all manner of things, you primarily mean cocaine.

Meow. Wait, did that genie just turn you into a cat? Genie. How great was I Dream of Genie? The creators of that realized that the word genie was a homonym for the name genie. Yeah. That's a show. It's perfect. And then how disappointed were the creators of Bewitched who were like, Bewitched isn't a name. Yeah.

Witch isn't a name. Witch isn't a name. Sorceress is not a name. But then in I Dream of Jeannie, and pardon me for anyone who's under 100 years old, but why was he an astronaut? Like if you were creating that show, is an astronaut just a man of science or was it everyone was – A man of science. And so that magical being would be –

the dichotomy there is interesting. I think you're giving it a lot of credit, and I think it was just because astronauts were popular at the time. They were popular in the 60s. Because it was the beginning of the space program, and people were very excited. Great show. And also, very little, other than the original finding of the genie bottle...

How did they find it? I don't recall. Very little of his career had to do with space. He was mostly just in the Air Force and worked at an office. He was an astronaut, though, correct? Yeah, absolutely. Did he travel to the moon and beyond? I don't remember if... And back? I don't remember if he traveled to the moon, beyond, and back, or...

If he – it was like a flight that was aborted. Like I remember in the opening animation, his space capsule, it falls down on an island. Oh, that's right. And that's where he discovers the bottle. So he's a failed astronaut. Yeah, I guess so. Who never made it out into space, instead got onto an island. Yeah. Instead, he got onto an island. Yeah.

Which anyone could do. You don't have to be an astronaut to do that. I mean, you know, in one way, it's an efficient way of travel if you need to get to that island. True. Go out into space. But much like the incompetent Gilligan, he did not go there on purpose. That is true. You know, my father, who worked in the aerospace industry, told me at one point that he believes that is the next step in travel is

is high-speed flights that go up into the atmosphere. They're like rockets that go up, and then they come down after the Earth's rotation rotates a little bit onto wherever you need to go, and it'll take a fraction of the time.

That's interesting. Yes. Has that come to pass yet? I mean, he told me this approximately three years ago. Three years ago? Yes. Wow. So he's still thinking about it. He's still thinking about it. He retired from the industry, and I believe he still keeps up with it. Now he's a professional poker player. That's right. He is all in. I feel like any shows about islands, people go there by mistake. And the only one, like Lost, Gilligan's Island. Right. The only one I can think of where people went there on purpose is Fantasy Island. Yes.

But come on, can you think of another show where it's like, watch these characters as they vacation on Hawaii? I mean, it's... Hi, Paul. Welcome to the show. This is a very special episode. This is Best of Comedy Bang Bang, Part 1! Of 2018. Yeah.

Well, yes, of 2018. Did I say not of... Well, you just said best of Comedy Bang Bang. Correct. You're right. It could be any year. I don't want to mislead the audience. Maybe we will do that some year where perhaps even for the 10th anniversary of do best of of the entire 10 years. Can you fucking imagine? Can you fucking imagine? Can you fucking imagine? Can you fucking imagine? Can you fucking imagine? Can you fucking imagine?

Oh no, the genie turned us into babies. Oh no, baby. Best of... Whoa. Did you just cough or was that a laugh? Maybe it was a little bit of a... Claff. Claff. Laugh. Claust. This is Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2018. Partner.

Part one of four. So over the next couple of weeks, today, of course, is Christmas Eve, Monday, and then we'll put out part two on Thursday. The following week, New Year's Eve, part three, and then the following Thursday, part four. We will wrap it all up with your top episodes. We are counting down the top 14 this year. Paul, are you excited? The top episodes.

I'm very excited, Scott. This has been a great year for Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, it has. And we'll see exactly how many of your episodes make it on the list. How many do you think might end up there? One. Which one? Maybe. I don't know. One that's going to be famous and all that kind of stuff. Aw, Paul. We'll see. We'll see if you're going to be...

Pleasantly surprised? Pleasantly surprised or whether you will fly into a... Or justifiably disappointed. Fly into a rage. I will fly into a rage. Paul F. Smash.

I'm just talking about your favorite TV shows. What else? I love smash. I know you love smash and never watched it. Remember how important it was to, you never watched it. I never saw it. That's right up my alley. Instead I watched, I watched the Josh Radner one that came out this year. Well, I don't even know what it's called. It's like a teacher. He's a, he's a teacher. Who's a, who gets so excited about spring awakening the show that he decides he's going to go in there and oust the drama teacher and campaign for her job. And then, uh,

He goes in there and starts, you know, directing this musical, Spring Awakening. Is that true? That is very true. Wow. Maybe he didn't do it. Smash was right up your alley. Well, I watched it. Of course, RIP is no longer with us, but I watched it until I could stomach it no longer. What's that? Josh Radner died? Josh Radner is dead.

Oh, I hope he doesn't die between the recording and this episode. Were you saying RIP for the show? I'm praying for Josh Radner the same way I pray for the notorious RBJG. RBJG. JGG. Josh, we're pulling for you. We are. We want you to survive. Hang in there. Hang in there, Josh. And perhaps your next project will.

May I entice you to seek out Smash and watch it? There's only two seasons. How would one seek it out and then watch it? It's got to be streamable on like an NBC app or something like that.

I only watched the first season. Oh, really? So you're telling me to watch two seasons. You only watched one? I'll watch the second season if you will. Okay. In the same room or in a joining room? But you must watch whatever you want. Oh, two rooms, like Bernie Taupin and Elton John. We're in two rooms watching at the same time. At the exact same time. I used to do that on planes.

Occasionally Akiva Schaffer and I would go take trips together. And we insisted on drinking the same things, eating the exact same meal and watching the exact same movie and pressing play at the exact same time. And if we ever paused it, pausing it at the exact same time so we could have the exact experience while wearing headphones. Sure. That's fun. It was a lot of fun. I guess. It's rigid fun.

Well, listen, Smash, the first season, one of the subplots is the, you know, Deborah Messing is married to

TV's Grace? Yeah, TV's Grace. Not Grace Under Fire. And the stories of Emily. What was the name of the other show? The Mysteries of Laura. Oh, yes, yes. That's right. TV's Grace and Laura. She had two failed shows before just going, I give up. Back to the Grace. Back to the Grace grind.

So she's married to Brian Darcy. I almost said Brian Darcy Carden. But he's a Broadway actor. Very prominent eyebrows. Right there whereabouts? In the middle of his head? Kind of like... Two thirds up? Where his eyes are, but like over... Yeah, between his hairline and his eyes. Between his ears? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But the other way. The other way. Horizontal. Horizontal.

You consider ears to be vertical. Yes. Don't you? So what parts of the body are vertical and what parts are horizontal? Scott, you've fallen into my trap. Oh, no. Here we go. Ears and nose. Ears and nose vertical. Eyes and mouth horizontal. Arms and legs vertical. Arms and legs vertical. Chest horizontal. Horizontal. The belly button. It better be horizontal. Horizontal.

You think a belly button is horizontal? I don't because it's part of the landscape of the belly. I think it's vertical. Then that sounds like an Audi to me. Belly buttons are not completely circular. I believe they are ovular and I believe they are vertical. Well, are they not? Take yours out. You have your beliefs. Here's mine. Sorry about the noise. That is vertical AF, my friend. Thank you. Did I win?

What about penis? Penis, obviously, vertical. What about penis? And that show should be called The Vagoon. The Vagoon. Vertical. Unless, you know, the old urban legend has it. What is that? I don't know this urban legend. Oh, Scott, I'll tell you off mic. Oh, boy. Let's turn him off right now. Click. Oh, girl. You know, they say that men's vaginas go the other way. They go side to side. I think you're talking about a butthole. Huh?

I think you're talking about a butthole. I think you're talking about a butthole! It's me, Eugene Cordero. What's my name? It's me, Carl Tartt. Huh? We'll hear a little bit of that later. Let's turn the mics back on. Click! So, in Smash, one of the subplots is...

Debra Messing, married to this dude. She's married to this dude. They have a son who's in high school. Seems like he's 40 years old. He was also in the movie Brooklyn with Sheer Sheerodid.

What is Brooklyn again? Is that... It's a movie about Brooklyn. Is it the movie where the Irish person comes over? Yes, the movie where the Irish person comes over. With... Saoirse Ronan. Saoirse, Saoirse, Saoirse Ronan. Yes, I did see it. Saoirse Ronan. Saoirse Ronan.

It's so great. That is a movie, by the way, that my mother liked so much she bought on Blu-ray. Now she doesn't have a lot of Blu-rays, but that one. She wanted to watch it again and again. That's right up an old mom's alley. I promise she has never watched it nor taken it out of the package. No, she forgets that she has it. So, you know, Deborah Messing's going to, she's mulling whether or not to go back to work.

to write another smash Broadway thing. So she is a Broadway librettist? She's a Broadway smash maker. Okay.

Yeah, she works with this other guy, and I think she does the lyrics and he does the music. Okay. I think. So she writes the songs that make the whole world sing. Do you have a similar distaste for, not to get too off track, but for the music of the early 70s and mid-70s? No, I don't. Really? I don't. I think because I'm a little bit older than you. I guess I mean those particular, the schmaltzy elevator-ish songs.

Barry Matlow-ish. I guess like a love-hate thing because there is something that's somewhat comforting about them.

I don't like them as songs necessarily. What about like, hey, won't you play another? Yeah. Somebody done somebody wrong song. Make me feel at home while I miss my baby. While I miss my baby. Is it while? I'm going to be, make me feel at home while I miss my baby. Make me.

Make me feel at home while I miss my baby. Here's my agenda for today. Missing my baby. And someone making me feel at home. I'm going to be out and about. So if you can make me feel at home while I miss my baby. Is he doing errands during this? Yeah. He's multitasking. He's driving all around, picking up prescriptions. He's dropping off a dry cleaning. He's dropping off a dry clean. Oh, my Joan. Oh, my Joan. Why don't you drop off

Chuck Maggione. Chuck Maggione. Feels so good. Now, that's a great song. What song is that? How does that go? It's an instrumental. Okay. He was the king of the trumpet instrumentals, was he not? He was the king of the trumpet instrumentals. What's another one of his? 1929. The world on the brink of disaster. But Chuck Maggione was entertaining everyone into the grave. Didn't he do...

That feels so good. Yeah. Oh, does that feel so good? I thought I was doing the Price is Right theme there for a second. There's some overlap. There's some overlap. That would be a great mashup. Oh, Hulk mashup.

Why isn't there a DJ who wears a big Hulk head? Yes, DJ Hulk head. Hulk mashup. Every song. Every song. Why are we giving away this idea? It's true. We could be the new Daft Punk. We could both be that DJ. Right. I did hear about Daft Punk that when they play live or do any sort of promotional appearance, be in a video or anything, it is never them.

That makes sense. It is always just like two random dudes that they hire to do this all the time. Why not? Why not? Why not? That's the advantage of wearing a mask. This is the advantage of wearing a mask. I also heard Mike Myers on Halloween when he kills all those people. Not him. It's just someone he hires.

He kills some of the people. No, he's never killed anyone. And he's gone to insane asylums for it. He just will keep that secret to the grave. I've heard that. And this is timely.

If you see Santa Claus in the department store. Sure. It's one of his helpers. Really? Yeah. It's not really him. So if you tug on his beard and you see it's fake, he'll tell you that he's one of his helpers instead of the actual Santa Claus? He has to tell you that. Oh, man. Is that like. Even if his beard is real. Being a member of Kiss. They have not toured since the 70s. Why? Because they've just put other people into those.

Into the makeup. Oh, I thought it was because their music is dumb and no one wanted to hear it. How dare you? How dare me? How dare me? Tell me about Debra Messing. With science? So they have this son. She's like, I'm going to have to go back to work, I think. And he's 40? And then the son is very upset because...

They had been mulling adopting a child. The son is upset? Because they were- The high school son is furious that now the plans to adopt a second child are on hold. Why would the son care? Hey!

The son who's in high school. It's not like, oh, I've always wanted a little brother. Exactly. I'm three years old and I've always wanted a little brother. Exactly. Or even up to five. Yeah. So imagine this kid who sounds like a middle-aged man saying. 17-year-old. Well, I thought you were going to give me a baby sister. What happened? Hey. Debra. I was going to. Hey, Deb. Hey, Deb. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sit down a second. Let's talk.

Hey, you remember? We discussed this. You said you were going to give me a baby brother, baby sister. We were going to do it as a family. We agreed. Now I got trigonometry in the morning. You think I want to deal with this shit? So that passed through network notes and made it all the way onto TV. It was a running subplot. That this was motivation. For almost the entirety of the season. Yes. That was one of the things that made her life difficult. Her son was mad. Her son was mad that the adoption plans weren't old.

This sounds great. I got to watch it now. You should watch it. There's a lot about it that's extremely insane. Fake musical or real musical? She's writing a new musical? Is that what it is? She's writing a new musical about adoption. It's called Bombshell. It's not about adoption. That probably would have appeased the sun a little bit. Oh, wait. Is it about Marilyn Monroe? Yes, it is about Marilyn Monroe. Oh, okay. The most...

A topic we've hardly talked about. We barely scratched the surface. Why do people like Marilyn Monroe? I've tried to figure this out. I mean, yeah, she was in a few movies, and I like her in some like it hot. That's maybe the only – no, I've seen Seven Year Itch. Didn't like her in that. But was it just because – How to Marry a Millionaire? You ever see her in that? I have not. She's very good. She's very good. Okay, so she made like a random three movies. Yes. Is it just the poster? She made –

She made a random three movies. That seems like about all she did. That was her body of work, right? No, she had – she made quite a few movies. And she's actually – I know exactly what you mean because I'm not terribly familiar with her. And then recently Janie was watching How to Marry a Millionaire. Okay. And – is that the one? Yeah, with Lauren Bacall and Betty Grable. Okay. And I started watching it with her. And she's – Marilyn Monroe is undeniably –

and attractive. Like you cannot help but like her and fall in love with her. Okay. You know, I mean, she was a movie star, but, but she was a movie star. Sure. But I'm, I guess what I mean to say is, is what is this fascination 50 years on with her? You know, it's like, you know, no one is going to be writing a musical in 50 years about Shersha Ronan. Well, Scott, she had a troubled life. Okay. So did Shersha. She can't. Did she? I don't know. She okay? She okay?

Or, okay, let me give you a different example. What is she, 20 years old? Writing a musical about Josh Radner, RIP. I know. Well, a little too soon. I think we have to wait and look at his whole legend. Did Marilyn Monroe drown? She's not. What did she do? Well, there's some conjecture. Car crash? What was it? Not a car crash. It was supposedly an overdose of pills. Okay, but leading to her drowning in a car? She did not drown in a car. Okay.

She just in a bed, really? Just like or on a toilet Elvis style? I believe in a bed. In a bed. I believe in a bed. Okay, good, good. I mean, I don't know. People should die in beds. It always bums me out. People should die in beds. It always bums me out like hearing about people who come into their house and find their loved one like on a floor.

I think that's why the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory stayed in bed the whole time. Always stayed in bed because they know they're just about to go. We're so old. What are we doing? We're going to walk around? What, I'm going to drop dead at the store? Get me a bedpan. You don't want to die on the toilet like Elvis Presley. I want to have some dignity. Get me a bedpan. Did Jim Morrison also, and I apologize, this is quite a morbid topic, but a bathtub for him? I believe bathtub for, bathtub for you! Yeah.

No toilet for you? No toilet for you. The toilet Nazi would not let him buy a toilet. Big Steinfeld fan, Paul. Oh, boy. What holds up better?

There is something that's very, when I think of Seinfeld, like I watched it when it was on and really enjoyed it. When I think of it now, it seems like a very cold and remote thing to me that I do not want to revisit at all. I bet it still holds up. For a lot of people, it does. I bet it does. People like to celebrate Festivus. Now it's time for the area of grievances. A festival for the rest of us. A Festivus for the rest of us. Speaking of the holidays, though, today is Christmas Eve. Do you have Christmas plans? Sure.

Nope. Just going to see what happens. Just going to wake up, hope that old fat man traveled down my chimney. If not, see you next year. Yeah, if I don't get presents from Santa Claus this year, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm keeping it open. Just keeping your options open. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if I do get presents, okay, if I do get presents, of course, I'm going to spend all day opening them. Of course. How many presents do you usually get from Santa? Ooh.

It's in the high hundreds. High hundreds? Yeah. 950 or so? Okay, yes. Oh, my gosh. 951. Santa gives you that many. Are they all small presents that cost like a dollar? No, it's a wide variety. It's a wide array. Sometimes I get multiple bikes. Multiple bikes? I got a swimming pool slide once. Do you have a swimming pool? Nope.

hoping this year santa's gonna bring you a swimming pool i hope so why not what would that be that's beyond his powers you would how would that work you would go into your backyard see a giant hole in the ground with wrapping paper yeah a big bow like a boat like a car like a brand new car bow but even bigger just don't step into it because i fear you would plunge right through the paper and somebody hurt your little butt i can't remember who it was somebody on twitter and i retweeted it

Like talked about how I guess there's this world out there where people are getting new cars for Christmas all the time. A whole new world. Don't you dare shut the door. A whole new world. I'm going to kick you in the face.

I gave Cool Up a new car once. Well, that's very nice. Put a nice little bow on it. Did you do a little bow? Yeah, well, it was little. I couldn't find one of those big car ones. Did you do one of the regular bows like you put on a bike? It was in the grill. I put it in the grill. Oh, I like that song. The one that you would put on a wrapped present. Yeah, exactly.

But these commercials every year. Every year, people are getting new cars. Jesus Christ. You have a newish car, right? How old is yours? 2011. 2011? Yeah. Very good. Mine is 2008. 2008. And still only 50,000 miles. Why trade it in? Mine has 30 miles on it. 30? Yeah. So you don't drive it here or? I don't drive it here. Where do you? I take a limousine here. What I do is I...

I drive it back and forth in the driveway. Ha ha ha.

Just to feel some freedom. Just to feel powerful, like a man. Well, you know, because I have security detail that protects me at all times. They'll never let me drive around town. Of course. I noticed them tasting your food as well. They're not supposed to be doing that. They're just eating my food. Oh, no. Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to blow up your spot. Thank you for telling me. Oh, no. You're not going to fire them. Not on Christmas Eve, Paul. I'm going to fire them on Christmas Day. Oh, no. Old man Tompkins. So they have to tell their families.

They look around the table and say, I just got a text message. I'm fired by text. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Well, you're not going to go to their house on Christmas Day. No. How can I get there? My security details all with their family. You've given them the day off, though. Yeah. To get fired. I would love that. If like it was like Ebenezer Scrooge, that was his move where he's like, Bob Cratchit. Sure. Take Christmas Day off. Go ahead.

You know what, Bob Cratchit? You're right. You're right. You should take Christmas Day off. You should have the day off. And then text him, you're fired. And then a sad emoji. What's this, a gift for Mr. Scrooge? A mobile telephone? Let me just set it up. Yeah. I mean, that's the way to do it. You get somebody a brand new phone. Just to text them, you're fired. Just to text them. Yeah.

Power move. I love it. Power move. Power bottom. Ebenezer Scrooge. Famous power bottom. Famous. Ebenezer Scrooge. The rankings of Dickens characters. Okay, you got Oliver Twist. Oliver Twist is top for sure. Definitely. Please, I want some more. You know what I mean? David Topperfield. It's right there in the name. Don't get toppier than that.

but famous power, power, Ebenezer Scrooge, JD power bottom and associates have ranked Ebenezer Scrooge.

Notorious power bottom. Hey, is it cold in here because it's Christmas time? Are you cold or are you warm? I'm not cold. Okay, I'm okay. I'm going to tough it out. I'm going to tough it out. You have a jacket. Do you know what it is? I have a jacket. I have a vest. Uh-huh. I feel it on my biceps. You feel the chill of Christmas. I feel the chill on my biceptuals. By the way, flex those bad boys for me. Sure. Oh, welcome to the gun show. Look at that. We've got fun at games. How many times have you flexed in your life? Three. Three?

And what were the occasions? Both were, I think two times were jokes. One time was just to check it out and see what it looked like. What would it look like? Yeah. I just wanted to see it in the light. Jim Morrison. R.I.P. bathtub. R.I.P. R.I.B. What is R.I.B.? R.I.B. bathtub. Preston bathtub. Paul. Yes. We got to get to the best episodes of the year. We got to get to them. This is exciting. We're going to count down.

Your top 14 episodes that... Your top 14. That's right. This is on you. I would rank them quite differently. Oh, my God. Scott, I wish one year we would reveal our rankings. That would be fun. It would blow people's minds. And I would just say, like, okay, for me, what would it be? Like, the ones that we enjoyed the most, like, critically, with our critical faculties, we think are the best, or is it the ones we enjoyed doing the most? It's the ones I'm in. Scott. You would just list all of yours? Of course. What other list is there?

The list is life. The list is life. The list is life. The list is life. Another great holiday movie. I love it. Because at the end, there's red. Well, in the middle.

Is it right in the middle? I believe she walks around in the middle of the movie. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. For some reason in my memory, it's just at the end. I believe it's the halfway point of the movie. She's just like running around there, glamming it up in red in the middle. Who was she again? She is a real diva. I haven't seen it in 20-odd years. Who is she? She grew up to be Golda Meir. Really? Incredible. Incredible. Yeah.

Who was she? I think she was just a little girl. Just a little girl wandering around. A little girl blissfully unaware of the horror around her. Well, as are we during this holiday season because we are here to entertain you and we're here to count down your top 14 episodes. These are episodes that you voted on every year right after Thanksgiving.

We put up. The American holiday. The American holiday. We put up the voting for the best of. So it goes from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. Fair. Technically 2018. It's late 2017 to late 2018. But this is released in 2018. You get the idea. You get the idea. I need time to tabulate the vote.

I need time to make the edits, which is a three or four day process for me. Time to make the edits. Time to make the edits. That's a Christmas tradition for me. Yeah. Out there on Christmas Eve, just making the edits, listening to 14 episodes of my show. Now, one time you fell asleep and some elves made the edits. They did. I woke up and I was like,

These edits are not good. No, they're made by tiny hands. Tiny, tiny hands with tiny scissors. What's going on with your levels there? Well, I was turning up the wrong box. I wanted to hear myself a little bit better. You want to hear yourself more. Now, do these, we're in a new studio. Can we turn up each other or down each other? Or it's just purely just the... Can we do upvoting and downvoting? Can we do upvoting and downvoting? That is my question. Sam, please don't get on mic. One of my favorite things on Reddit...

is that the categories of comments, one of the, you know, you can view them. Oh, I did an AMA on this. Old, new, an ANA? AMA. Oh. Ask me anything. Yeah, that's what it stands for, right? I did an American Medical Association. So this is a website that you. This is a website that you can go on. Okay. And so in a thread,

You'll see the comments and you can view them by different categories. You can view them by old, by new. And my favorite is best. Best. Who's deciding what the best comments are? What if there was someone on the internet who was just like wandering around and judging every comment on everything and just. The wandering Jew. He wanders the earth judging comments. What is the story of the wandering Jew?

I don't even want to say it. I don't know. It's a holiday thing though, right? Isn't it? I don't think it's a holiday thing. Oh, okay.

I think it's just like a legend, and it's like he denied our Lord. Oh, okay. And he's forced to wander the earth? He's got to wander around. Throughout time immemorial? Yeah. And then they named a plant after him. Which plant? The Wandering Jew. That's a plant? Yeah. There's a plant called Wandering Jew. People call a plant that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems like it should be changed in 2018, at least 2019. Yeah.

What's the plant look like? I don't know. I'm going to look it up. Okay. Yeah. Tell people more things. Okay. We are going to be going through the episodes from 14 down to one.

So we're not going to start at one and not going to start with the best. We're going to start with the worst of the 14. I believe we put out about 60 episodes this year, and we got over 35,000 votes. 35,000 votes. I looked up The Wandering Jew, the guy. Oh.

Okay. And it's quite something. Really? What do you have to tell us about this? Do you want to continue with this and then we'll come back to it? Let's come back to it. Yeah. Over 35,000 votes and we put out about 60 episodes. We're going to play you approximately a quarter of them. The top 14, you're all chuckling to yourself about this guy. The idea of it is ridiculous. All right. Just hit us with this. All right. What do we got?

The wandering Jew is a mythical immortal man whose legend began to spread in Europe in the 13th century. The original legend concerns a Jew who taunted Jesus on the way to the crucifixion. On the way? And was then cursed to walk the earth until the second coming. Cursed by whom? That sounds mean. I mean, presumably Jesus. That sounds like a mean thing to do. Jesus did one time get mad at a fig tree for not having figs. Okay. And he made it die.

Okay, but it's not a sentient, unless it's some sort of Groot situation. It was not Groot. It was not Groot. Yeah. Okay, but you'll know Groot. By the Trail of Death.

But this, okay, let's- This is the guy. So Jesus is dragging his cross to be crucified on it. That's, by the way, that's fucking brutal. Yeah. Like we're going to, here's what we're going to do. We're going to crucify you. We're going to kill you, but you got to- All the way over there. And you got to hoof it. You got to drag this thing up there. It's part of the indignity of crucifixion. But I guess what I mean to ask is if this is a story concocted by Christians and followers of Christ, it's not a good look, Jesus. No, but it doesn't say that Jesus did it.

It could be that just like cursing as a result, the power of curses as a result of that, that gypsy and thinner, of course, got Fina wonder. So you it's, it's Jesus's dad.

I guess so. I guess so. This is okay. But that's what I mean to say is, is if you're on the side of Jesus, which I, which I am. Okay. Just I want that out there. I want that out there. I'm on the side of Jesus. It's not a good look on Jesus. No, it's not. And if you're on the other side, I, it must be a Jewish myth. Like these Christians, they cursed our people. It's an interesting take. That's an interesting take. Here's how bad, here's how bad these Christians are.

They cursed one of us. They cursed one of us to wander forever. With their magic powers. Until Jesus comes back from, you know, the second coming. Also, if you are Jewish and you think that Jesus has the power to curse people... There we go. Then he must be the son of God. Then why are you Jewish? Why are you Jew? But I love the idea of like...

So Jesus is carrying the cross, right? Mm-hmm. Ouch. And then there's this guy on the sidelines going, ha, ha, Jesus. Look at you. You can barely carry that thing. You look stupid. And then this guy's cursed. Just cursed. Just to wander around. And he can't even buy a home? I don't know. I guess it's that after a while, people begin to talk like, hey, how come you haven't aged?

I guess if, okay, so there's been- Are you the wandering Jew? There's been a little over 2,000 years since Jesus died. Since 33 AD. Yeah. Seems like yesterday. Um-

And we're not going to get into that argument again about whether it's 33 or whether. But and then approximately what, a thousand years before that when the earth was created? Yeah. So but in 2000 years, do you think you could get to every place? He's probably on foot in 2000 years. Yes.

So in 2000 years, you could just, you could cover the entire globe. How are you going to get to? Oh, especially when air travel comes along. How are you going to get to those islands? Are you going to become an astronaut? Not on purpose. I mean, you end up on those islands. What if Larry Hagman was the wandering Jew? Oh my God.

That's why I got the liver transplant. There are many species of plants named wandering Jew, by the way. Okay. Do you... Oh, there are? Yes. Like, it's so... It's such a popular name. There's three that are known as a wandering Jew. There's...

And then there's three plants and four dayflowers, which I've never heard of. What are dayflowers? They're like vampire flowers that can survive during the day. A lot of botanists out there screaming at their podcast machines. And then at the end, other plants known as wandering Jew include two more.

People really wanted to name plants Wandering Jew. Why? This is bizarre. I don't know. Just call it some... How many plants are named Rumpelstiltskin? None. And yet, we'll name a plant after this slur. We'll name eight plants after it. I don't know. All right. We need to get to our first clip of the day. If you say. This is number 14. Number one, four. All right. Clip number 14.

This is from episode 558. By the way, today on today's episode, we are going to be going through 14, 13, 12, and 11. 14, 13, 12, and 11. 14, 13, 12, and 11. 14, 13, 12, and 11. And the rest of them.

This is episode 558. Which episode do you think this is? Did you memorize all the numbers? Of course I did. Of course I did. This is, what was the most recent episode that just aired? The one that just aired was, I can look that up. It would have been 579. Yeah. So that would put this one squarely in earlier.

Yes. It is earlier than the recent one that is not eligible. This is the one with Ricky Martin and Pol Pot. You wouldn't think those two would have a lot in common. But they really hit it off. This is an episode called Ship of Love. Ship? Shove. Shove. Yes. For short. For short. Shove. Yes. This is the episode where everyone just shoved each other the entire time. It was made for bad audio, but great podcasting.

No, this is an episode called Ship of Love with Casey Wilson, Drew Tarver, and Zach Oyama. Okay. Okay. Don't remember it? Not ringing any bells? I think I do. And I think that Drew Tarver plays a guy who sings a bunch of songs. Drew Tarver, yes, plays a guy who bunch of sings a. He bunch of sings a. He bunch of sings a. I bunch of sings.

By the way, we just got kettle glazed donuts delivered to us. And some cookies. And some cookies by Colin. Thank you so much. Cookies by Colin. He made these. He made these? They're wrapped in plastic, just like Laura Palmer.

Uh, we'll dig into those while we listen to the clip. Um, this is an episode called ship of love. Now let me, uh, give you a little backstory about this. Um, I had, uh, Casey Wilson, a good dear friend of mine, uh, on the show. Good and dear, good dear friend of mine. Damn. Uh, where we talked a little bit before the clip that you'll hear. We talked a little bit about her Oscar parties and how obnoxious I am during them. Uh, and,

And then Drew Tarver, our good friend, he came in as a character called Martin Sheffield Lickley. That's right. Martin Sheffield Lickley. Martin Sheffield Lickley. Martin Sheffield Lickley. Now, if you're listening to the clip, you also can eat cookies. That's true. While you listen to this clip. That's very true. So that'll be enjoyable for you. But only cookies. Only cookies. No savory. Don't take any medications. Nope. No pot roasts. No. You can't eat a fucking Yorkshire pudding. No.

Let's listen to the clip. This is your number 14. Number one, four. All right, this is exciting. He's an entertainer, and he's about to come out here. He's an 80s new wave singer. Please welcome Martin Sheffield Lickley. Hello. How are you guys? I'm good. How are we doing? Hello.

They say love is but a game, and it's only played by fools. But like a game, there are winners and losers. But who makes up the rules? Thank you, thank you. Hello. Hi. Good evening, my darling lovelies. Well, afternoon. Well, good afternoon.

I guess England, maybe it's evening. Yes, I always stay on my local time. It's the afternoon. Welcome to the show, Martin Sheffield-Lickley. Martin Sheffield-Lickley, I'm the lead singer of the 80s new wave band 2 Plus 2 Equals Love. Oh, okay.

Okay. A lot of guests don't have entrance music, but... Yes, no, thank you. Thank you so much. You started singing a song and then you stopped very abruptly. I stopped very quickly. That was the end of that song. But yeah, it was... Are you from the southern England? Yeah, down south. There's a little bit of a draw, but definitely England. I am from Wilkinshire, Dirtshire, Flatgroundshire.

I haven't been to that area of England. It sounds beautiful. It's gorgeous. It's seven in my town, seven people and 4,000 sheep. Oh, what a ratio. Yes, yes. Wow, that's like a ratio on Twitter of likes to retweets.

It's exactly like that, Scott. Yeah, this is Casey Wilson, by the way. Hello, Casey. Hi. How we doing tonight? Such a pleasure to meet you. Very nice to meet you as well. Casey's a singer as well. A dabble. Have you ever heard of the band 2 Plus 2 Equals Love? It's so funny. I hadn't. You hadn't. Neither have I. I haven't.

I don't remember them, and I'm an aficionado of 80s music. Yeah, no, we didn't quite take off like, you know, Flock of Seagulls or Duran. Oh, that's a pun. I enjoyed that. Yeah, you like that. Try to do another pun for each band you're going to. We didn't run quite as fast as Duran Duran. Good. You know? Really good. All right, what else you got in the tank? And I didn't grow quite as short as Little Boy George. Oh, Lord.

That one fell apart. Yeah, especially since his name wasn't Little Boy George. It wasn't. Well, he's just Boy George. Little Boy George. Yeah, the sheep motif is getting to you. Well, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, two plus two equals love. You know, I've always been a fan of love. Hmm.

I guess we all are. But when I was younger, you know, my little black book, well, let's just say it wasn't quite so little. You know what I mean? Was it just black book like Boy George? Yeah, yeah. It was black book and little Boy George. Do you mind me asking, how old are you? It's hard to gauge. Thank you so much. You could be four years old.

You could be 100. You look great. Well, thank you so much. Yeah, you know, I don't like to say my age, you know, but I look young. You can tell. I look, you know, I have the look of a cold, tan bird.

Yeah. A bird that's just freezing to death. Freezing but tan. Yeah. Has been to the beach, but is now cold. Featherless. Maybe has come back up north for the summer, but it's an early chill has. Exactly. Exactly. You know, my life has been very fantastic, you know, until. Oh, I hadn't asked. That's very interesting.

Thank you. Yeah. Has your life been fantastic? It's been fantastic. You know, I've been singing, but everything turned on its head last year when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, it was. Oh. How was she doing? It was a terrifying experience. But...

Ultimately, it brought us closer together, and that's when I wrote this next song about it. What? Hit it. All aboard the ship of love We're going full speed ahead The ocean is full of broken hearts And the captain is a kiss

Ship of love, full of tender hugs I must steer the course right to the island of love There are pineapples and crabs there But I cannot eat them because I am too heartbroken today It's the ship, it's the ship, the ship of love I drive the ship, drive the ship, the ship of love Look out for rocks, big scary rocks The rocks are metaphors for my

Thank you. Wow. Thank you. That's amazing. Thank you. My wife didn't make it, and I sang that at her funeral. Whoa. How was it received? Tepidly. Yeah, I can imagine. People weren't expecting. A little upbeat for a funeral. A little upbeat, but you know, I take inspiration and out comes that new wave sound. Yeah, the sound I've noticed that ABC used for their song Look of Love. Oh!

I'm not familiar. And it's the exact same backing track as the first song, you say. Yeah, I was going to ask about that. Really? I don't hear that at all. Okay, there's maybe some subtle differences. Yeah, there's some subtle differences. I mean, you know, we were all, you know, taking from each other in that time period, you know. How so?

You know, just learning from one another. Little boy George would sit in on my sessions and Duran Duran would, you know, run from my sessions. But yeah, you know, my life has been filled with tragedy and turmoil. Again, I did not ask. Thank you for asking. I'm so sorry about your wife. What else is going on? Yeah, how long were you together? Oh, we were together for 30 years. I'm so sorry. That's really devastating, you know. Wow.

That's terrible. Have you bounced back? This was last year? Well, yeah. I mean, I was feeling a little better until I lost my son. No. Yes. You lost your son as well? Mm-hmm. Oh, my gosh. What happened there? This is terrible. This next one's for you, Simon. Oh, what?

You've been arrested by the love police for the crime of breaking my heart. I'm locking you up for 20 years.

Love Jail is a place where lovers go when their hearts commit a crime. And there the prisoners are all locked away behind love bars. They locked me away and threw away the key. And my cellmate was my broken heart.

Thank you.

Thank you. Wow. That is quite a tribute. Thank you. That song is about my dead son. You never even mentioned him as far as I can really tell. Wow, that was so abrupt. Maybe obliquely. Well, yeah, you know, songwriting is all about imagery and, you know, not being too literal. Yeah, I got to say. It was not literal. It's not really a Tears in Heaven, tearjerker style song. Well, you know, my son, you know, he died of emphysema.

So he didn't fall out a window, so it's a different situation? No, it's different. It's different. You know, I would love to write Tears in Heaven, but my son died differently. Did you sing that at his funeral? I did. And it was not received well. No. I can imagine. And was this on the heels of your wife's? Right on the heels. And when you say that, how do you mean?

Was it a double funeral? Yes, it was a double funeral. It saved us a little bit of money. Okay, well, I mean, I guess the silver lining. I chilled my wife for about a month. Put her on ice. Oh, wait, so it wasn't like a couple days within a couple of days. It wasn't like a Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds. It was a month apart? A month apart. How did you know your son was dying of emphysema a month later? Great question.

Was he suffering, Brad? He was suffering. You just thought it might go that way. Yeah, I was headed. The doctors were like, it's not looking good. And, you know, it was just tough. Yeah, I can imagine. So I went ahead and combined the funerals. Yeah. Well, how much did you save? $30. $30.

Oh, 14 quid. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, of course, of course. Well, that's, I mean... That's a lot of tragedy. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, I wear this suit to commemorate my son. As you can see, there's sort of a cool paint splatter on it, but that's actually blood from my son's coughs. Oh! Oh!

That's terrible. That's a lot, by the way. That's a hefty amount. Yes, it's a lot. He had emphysema, which is typically a disease that people have after smoking for years. I was going to say, but I'm sure that anyone can get emphysema. Yeah, anybody can. Or did your son die of emphysema from smoking? He was a smoker. I told him not to. You know, he saw that kid who smokes on YouTube, the little baby boy. Yeah.

Have you seen it? Yes. You've seen it. He puffs on those ciggies. I haven't seen it. My son saw it, and he couldn't stop himself. I said, don't watch that video. That kid's going to be sick soon. You saw it down the road. I saw it. I saw it all, you know? Wow. But yeah, I've got a big summer tour planned.

You do? I do. So does Casey with Bitch Test. Oh, fantastic. I'd love to come to yours if you... Maybe you'll be playing the same venues. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm doing a 16 cemetery tour. Cemetery? Yes. I go to cemeteries and I sing songs to the people I've lost. Wait, you've lost people in 16 cemeteries? Well, I know at least one person in every cemetery in America and the United Kingdom.

That's a lot of cemetery science. My life has been plagued with tragedy, Scott. I mean, we've only been talking about the people close to you just one year ago. No, I lost my postman this morning. What? Yes. I walked outside and I saw him walking.

And then hours later, I found out that I'd lost him. I'd known him for 16 years. Really? How did you find out? I'm so sorry. Oh, I saw it on the news. Postman mails himself to the bottom of the ocean. What? What? What a terrible way to go. Oh, my gosh. It was an accident.

It was a horrible accident. Was it like an envelope accident? Yeah, typical mix-up. Just a mix-up. Yeah, in the post office, just he got wrapped up. He took a nap, got boxed up, bottom of the ocean. Terrible. I know. Just a few hours. They delivered him to the bottom of the ocean. That's a pretty swift time to get that on the air, by the way. It's just so much for you to go through. It's so much, you know, it's tough. My life has been plagued with tragedy, but...

I met someone recently who turned everything around. Oh, well, you're turning swords into plowshares. That's wonderful, wonderful of you. I mean, a new love can be truly the cure to what ails you. Absolutely, and his name is Jesus Christ. Okay. I met him, and he came into my heart and saved me. Uh-oh.

And I've never felt better, so I've decided to dedicate all of my music to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Don't tell me you have a song. Yes, this next song is called Jesus is My One True Savior. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Welcome to the love casino, where I bet my heart on black. I've hit the jackpot of breaking hearts, and I'm a high roller when it comes to kissing.

We play love poker and the dealer is my broken heart. The chips we play with are memories of love. You have to count cards in order to win the game because just like love, poker isn't fair at all. It's the casino. It's the casino. The love casino. Roll the dice. It feels nice. The love casino. Play the slots. They're love slots at the love casino.

Thank you. Okay, all right. Number one for... Mmm. Mmm. The pudding. Mmm. Mmm. The pudding. Oh, the cookies. That was, of course, Ship of Love. Drew Tarver as Martin Sheffield Lickley from Two Plus Two Equals Love. What did Zach play in that again? Zach, a little later after this clip, a little later in the episode, Zach Oyama, who was on twice this year, he did his first two episodes. He's great. He's really funny.

He comes up a little later and plays credit card points expert Chase Barber. That's right. This is really funny. Let me say it without food in my mouth. Zach is very funny. Yes. So a non-equivocal, non-food-in-mouth compliment from Paul F. Tompkins. That seemed dismissive before. You're funny. Bring me more cookies. He got hot, oh, Zach, I love him.

I should also say those songs were co-written with Brad Evans and Nick Ciarelli that Drew works with quite often. I believe he may have written the songs that he did about the McDonald's cups and everything that he did on our Atlanta. Donny Gary. Donny Gary. I believe he co-wrote the songs with those two guys as well. Big shout out to them. And that was a funny clip, right?

That's a good way to start. I think so, yeah. I mean, I'm not defensive or anything. You seem defensive about this. No, I love that. That was a really fun episode to do. Three great people. Go and check out the entire episode if you like. All right, we have to get to a break. When we come back, we are going to be playing your number 13 episode. Do you get the pattern, idiots? Yes.

We sung about it before. Oh, my God. 14, 13, 12, 11. 14, 13, 12, 11. Can I say that I hate the audience? I think they're dumb. No. And they don't get things. No. What? At Christmas, you tell the truth. Who said that? At Christmas, you tell the truth like it was a thing? Yeah, that crazy person. The crazy man with the signs. Yeah.

In Love Actually. In Love Actually. Oh, right. Yeah, the guy that was in love with his best friend's wife. And he just says it in the movie, like, at Christmas you tell the truth. Like, this is a thing we've all agreed on. Yeah. Stupid. Now, I can't remember if it was a reference to something that was said earlier in that movie.

but I also don't care. I do not care to watch it again in order to find out. I'm happy to be wrong about it and still feel the way that I feel. All right. Well, one thing that we are not wrong about is the order in which we are going to be doing these clips. When we come back after this, we will have number 13 with comedy. Bang, bang. Best of 2018. Hey everyone. Are you not getting enough rest on your bed? So you can't dream.

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No, I think we had a big mistake. Big, long conversation about the Dukes of Hazzard and Smokey and the Bandit off mic, which unfortunately did not go in. But check out our I think that's check out our patron for that 90 second conversation. Welcome back. We are counting down the 14, 13, 12, 11, 14, 13, 12, 11, 14, 13, 12, 11.

And we have come up to number 13 on the countdown. Here it is. You've been waiting for it. Number one, three. All right, number 13. Let's see. The last one we listened to was 558, which I believe was in the middle of the year, around July or so. Yeah, that sounds about right. This is 532. So this is even earlier than that. Even earlier than that, if you can believe it. I'm going to say it's probably June.

May. I didn't do 20 episodes in one month. Hey. Hey, I'm sorry. I don't mean to come down on you like that. You know I don't know numbers. You know I don't know. How do you know 14, 13, 12, 11? I'm just phonetically repeating it because you say it. Oh, Paul.

I can't stay mad at you. You're too cute. I'm adorable. This is episode 532. Sure. This is an episode called Everything is Horrible and Wonderful. And guess who's in this episode?

No need to tell me. It's Rod Stewart and the Willys. Who are the Willys? I don't know. No, of course, Paul F. Tompkins is in this episode. What? That's me. It's you. This is from February, if I'm not mistaken, and this is an episode with...

Our good friend Stephanie Whittles Wax. That's right. Her name is a sentence. And we get to that in the episode. I'm not sure if we get to it in this clip. Well, who knows? But Stephanie Whittles Wax is, of course, our dear friend Harris's sister. She wrote a book called Everything is Horrible and Wonderful, and she came on the show to talk about it. R.I.P. Harris Wax. This is...

His name was Harris Whittles. Don't tell me that. Is that for real? Have you been calling him Harris Wax? I called him Harris Wax for years. I said his full name every time. Hi, Harris Wax.

Ha-swax. Ha-swax. Ha-swax. Ha-spex. This episode also has Will Hines and Tawny Newsome in it. And we are going to hear a clip. The things you need to know about the clip is... Please let me be in the clip. You are in the clip, as a matter of fact. At this point in the episode, I've... Please let me be the focus of the clip. You are the focus of this clip. Oh, thank God. That is not... Please don't do this for every episode you're in because you are not for everyone. Ha-ha-ha.

Previous to this clip, we've talked to Stephanie about her book for a long time. And as I recall, it was just me and her. And I kept the rest of you waiting for an hour while we did that. Yeah. I had a sock on the door so we couldn't go in there. Which did not mean what I thought it meant. You guys assumed I was fucking her. Yeah.

And, yes, I talked – I believe something – we started very late or whatever, and then the conversation got heavy in a way at certain points. You guys argued about politics? She's a big Trump girl. She loves Trump. Sweet leaf. But –

So I kept you guys waiting for an hour, but you were very nice about that. And you came in. And so at this point in the episode, Morpheus, the dream Lord who will Heinz plays, uh, will Heinz, another great addition, a recent addition to the, uh, comedy bang, bang, another tradition, uh, just a great crew of people. Um, he, uh,

I'm sorry. I'm being distracted by something happening in the other room, and I apologize for that. So sorry if I can't keep my train of thought, but our good friend Corinne is here to drop off something for me. She is our good friend. And thank you very much. Do you want to get on mic? I'll give you a Christmas present. Corinne, say hi. Her podcast is called We Love Lucy. Is that true? Yes. Go listen to that. I had

I have no idea. I'm getting the word out. Here you go. So say hi. I can't wait for you to cut this later. Nope, I will not. Thank you, Corinne. Have a great holiday. Merry Christmas. And happy wandering Jew year.

Is it the right decision to be mentioning this term over and over in our best of episode? I mean, it isn't a... This is the place for it. Oh, dear. All right. So at this point, Will Hines, he plays Morpheus, the dream lord, and he has put us ostensibly, he has put Stephanie and I to sleep during the episode. Sounds like he's the focus of this.

And so we are in the dream realm. He has transported us to the dream realm during this clip. And Paul F., you play a person named Brock Lovett. Completely forgot. Yeah, as did I until I listened to it. But this is one of my favorite appearances by you this year. Let's listen to this clip. This is your number 13. Number 13.

All right. Well, let's welcome him to the show. He's a treasure hunter. That's right. This is very exciting. Perhaps he'll lead us to some. That's not pressure I should put on you right off the bat. I certainly have a story to tell you. Oh, very good. He is a treasure hunter. Please welcome Brock Lovett. Thank you very much, Scott. Thanks for having me on the show. Welcome to the show. This is Morpheus, the Dream Lord. Hi, Morpheus. Can I get you anything? Yes. Can I get you something? Diet Coke, a nostalgic breeze?

Rufal anxiety? There's one thing I want more than anything else, but I don't know if you could help me out. And it would kind of maybe spoil my whole thing. Yeah. So I'll just take a Poplamoose LaCroix. All right. Let me see.

I know I have coconut, but let me see what I got. Oh, coconut. Grapefruit, if that helps. That's what pomplamoose is. Oh, okay. Thank you. Yeah. By the way, I can't eat grapefruit, and I was out to dinner with some acquaintances recently. Like good acquaintances? Yeah.

Are you hiding a name drop there? Are you hiding a name drop? Is what's going on? Are you trying to? No, I may be doing a subtle neg. But they wanted to serve me a drink and they called it Pomplamoose and I forgot that Pomplamoose. Your friends wanted to serve you this drink? No, someone even worse, a waiter.

So the waiter just said, I want to serve you this drink. You had to have this? Like you didn't ask for it? No, it was a surprise. They say on the menu, surprise me. And I said, yeah, surprise me. Like I'll order whatever they want to make. And then they said, okay, well, we want to bring you a pamplemousse whatever. And I didn't know that was grapefruit. So they told you what it was going to be. That was the surprise? Okay, look, Brock.

What? You seem to be almost defensive right now. This was a story that you initiated. I just wanted to make sure I'm following it correctly. I thought that people would find it of interest, but I guess not. Did you finish the story or no? I drank the drink. Why can't you have grapefruit? Are you doing vocal warm-ups right now? I drank the drink of pomplamoose. The drink you drank? Look, forget it. This is Stephanie Whittleswax, by the way. Hi, Stephanie. How are you? I'm a treasure hunter. I heard. I heard.

That's fabulous. What sort of treasure do you hunt, my good man? Sunken treasure. That's my area of expertise. Primarily sunken treasure. So if the treasure's on the land, it's not of interest to you? Well, I mean, if it's just sitting there, I'll take it. What if it's floating waist high? Sure. How sunken does it have to be? What if it's under half a foot of water? What if a bathroom floods over some jewels? Here's the reason. Look, these are all good scenarios.

The reason I say I primarily deal in sunken treasure is that's the treasure no one's gotten to yet. Oh. Usually bathroom treasure if it's just – if you can still see it through the water, somebody will get there before me. Right. Okay, okay. Yeah, so this is treasure. It belongs to somebody, like probably the person that lives there and then you would be stealing and that's not really – Maybe. Right, right, right. It would be strange if I was in someone's home, their bathroom flooded. Sure. And I was like, I'm going to take these doubloons. Take the shit.

So you've searched for water in the seas. I have not searched for water. Usually. Sorry, Trish. You're not Columbus. Okay. Yes. Oh, I know of Christopher Columbus, the man who discovered water. What I'm getting at is.

He was trying to discover air. From dreams, it's so hard to tell. He discovered water and then he enslaved it? That's right. That's what happened. He enslaved the water. And then people were like psyched about it. It's hard to put together. I meant to say treasure, of course. You search for treasure underwater. That's right, I do. What are some of the treasures? Have you found much treasure? I've found, I'm very famous for finding Spanish gold.

Oh, wow. That's right. You say you're very famous, so... In treasure hunting circles, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, because I've never... I don't think I've ever heard of you, have I? Well, let me ask you this. Have you heard of the Titanic? Wow. I can see the italics in your phrasing. Sounds familiar. Do you mean the boat or the movie?

What movie? There's a movie. Of the boat. Titanic. About the boat. Oh, A Night to Remember. That's right. Yeah. No, no, no. Good classic film. Everyone should see it. No, not that. It's one of the things that made me a treasure hunter. No, there's a more recent film, although recent by 20 years ago. What, another Night to Remember? Night to Remember 2. A second one. Night at the museum. One more night. Night at the museum.

No, the movie Titanic starring Kate Winslet who puts the titular tit in Titanic. Now, yes, when I've heard people dream of this, they don't say it Titanic the way you just, they really, you really shorten to that first. Is that the proper pronunciation? Are people dreaming of movies they saw? Mostly, yes. Well,

Well, that's the part I'm a bit of a film buff. I don't know. I don't know what you want to put the buff in film buff in Titanic. I have to say. All right. I think I know what you're saying. She's naked. Does she play? Does she play Rose DeWitt? She does play Rose DeWitt. Yes. Am I in this movie? Wait, who?

Let me name something. Is there a character named Brock Lovett in this movie? Who's a treasure hunter? Does Leo DiCaprio play Brock Lovett? The kid from Growing Pains? Yeah. Did you like Growing Pains? I loved Growing Pains. What about that Alan Thicke? He was terrific. He's a great guy. Too soon. Too soon. He died? He did.

He did. You don't know when people die? People are still dreaming about him. I thought he was still around. I was like, this is a genius. Yeah, but his dreams aren't happening, right? Oh, I didn't think to check him. Morpheus, can I ask you a question? Of course. Anything. How many people would you say are dreaming of Alan Thicke on a regular basis? That's an information I haven't— Let me look it up right now. 17 people. Oh, my God.

It's more than a thought. More than I would think, yeah. Like at this very moment. At this moment, there are 17 Alan Thicke dreams going on. How many people are dreaming of the Robin Thicke blurred lines video? Let me look at that. Uh-oh. 150. That's a bummer for Alan. Three models put the tit into that video. Which video is the least dreamed about?

These passive questions, it's hard to prove the absence of something. Is it I Can Dream About You? No, that's pretty good. From Streets of Fire? Right. What a great movie that everybody knows. Streets of Fire.

Oh, Billy, Don't You Lose My Number by Phil Collins. Oh, okay. The least people have seen it. Oh, the Phil Collins. Yeah, that tracks. Okay, so now let me think. There's a Bill Paxton plays a character in this film where, oh, I guess he's a treasure hunter. The guy from Weird Science? Yeah. You saw Aliens as well? I saw Alien and I saw Alien Cubed. Right. This was the one in between. It was Aliens to the Second Power. Hmm.

Pass. Okay, he's in it. You might like it. But he plays a character who goes looking for, I believe it's called the Heart of the Ocean? The Heart of the...

The Court of Le Maire. This is my story. Really? So this movie's about me. I guess, yeah, well, I mean, I don't know that the movie's really about the Bill Paxton character. I mean, every movie, we all star in our own movies, right? Yeah, so yes. That's really wise. Thank you. I feel like you're trying to let me down easy, Stephanie. No way. I would never do that to you. It starts with Bill Paxton. Sounds good. Go on. Looking around for this precious jewel. He's looking around for it like he walks into a room. Yeah.

He kind of scans the room. Anyone seen that Heart of the Ocean? I mean, you never know where you're going to find it. I only know what people dream about this movie, and no one has dreamed about this part of the movie. Yeah, mostly people are dreaming about this. No one dreams about Bill Paxton looking through couch cushions for a precious necklace? That's not what I've witnessed. There's a lot of people on the bows of ships and people drawing naked people and love and sacrifice. There's not a guy looking around for it. It was the naked portrait. That's how I found Rose DeWitt.

Because I dove on the Titanic in a submersible and I found this safe where I thought I was going to find the heart of the ocean. But I did find this sketch of a naked lady that I had to call up Rose DeWitt and say –

Hey, look, I found this naked picture. Is that you? How did that conversation go? It was awkward. That's really awkward. It was awkward. Did you lead right in with that or did you try to warm up a little bit? There was like a little small talk at first. Chit chat just to, yeah. I was like, what do you think about sunken gold? Pretty interesting, right? I found some. So really, what do you think about your profession? Well, yeah. Not asking a lot of questions about her. Well, I kind of knew some stuff about her. An old lady. Was it her?

It was her. Wow. And so I interviewed her at length. Did you get it right on the first call? I did. First call. Were there phones? Were there phones?

Yeah, maybe not then, but there are now. This was in 1997. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So yeah, there was phones. Okay, okay. I couldn't remember. Were they as small as they are now? I've noticed that phones, they got smaller for a while. Now they're getting bigger. We talk landline to landline. Wow. That must be hard for you, a person who primarily likes to go diving. Deep dives. Do you feel out of sorts, Brock Leavitt, when you are not beneath the ocean? I do. I love being...

Here's the thing. I love being under the ocean looking for treasure, and I love finding treasure under the ocean. Right. Those are my two loves. Two sides of the same coin. Seems like the right career for you. Ooh, coins. That gets me going. Hypothetical. I can give you two vacations. One, you're underwater the whole time, but there's no treasure. Or lots of treasure, but it is dry as a bone. Just bone dry.

I guess I got to go with treasure. I like treasure more than anything. Is that what gets you into the ocean? The promise of treasure? I think I've established that. That's why. Because other people haven't gotten that treasure yet, so that's why I go there. But if suddenly it were to come out front page news, extra, extra, there's no more treasure in the ocean, would you say, well, I'm never going in the ocean again? Yeah, that's right. Really? Yeah.

Look, if you told me that treasure was found exclusively at the top of stairs, I'd go out and buy a Fitbit and make my steps every day. You ever get the Benz?

I have gotten the bends, yeah. It's tough. That's rough stuff. That's got to hurt. What are these bends? What are these bends you speak of? Well, if you come up too quickly, the bubbles in your blood tend to expand. Is that something? That's the same if you come out of a nightmare. Nightmares are all in the pools. It feels a lot like that. The water is, see on the ground here, these lakes and these creeks, those are all made of nightmares. Is there any treasure in there? Brock, stay away from those. Those are nightmare creeks. You don't want to go in there. What's

What's in them? There's treasure and there's – What? This is driving me crazy. There's beers. That's all I want to do is go to that Nightmare Creek. Don't be a treasure tease. I'm not going to lie. There's some doubloons. I mean there's nothing great. There's some doubloons. There's, I don't know, a couple arcs. Don't worry about it. Let me ask you this. Do they stay doubloons until –

The whole time? Or like you bring them out of the Nightmare Creek, they turn into something else? They turn into something else. Okay. Thank you. And it's all a lesson. It's cautionary. Good to know. Yeah. I don't need that. Yeah. Well, I will say at the end of the movie Titanic, what happens- Hold on a second. If I may spoil it. You don't have to tell me because here's what happened in real life. Okay. Great. So I meet Rose DeWitt. I'm trying to find this Heart of the Ocean necklace. She goes on with this long story about-

All I care about is the treasure, right? Right. But she tells you a long story. She tells me all about her life. Well, I'm sorry, Stephanie. You don't care about water. You don't care about Rose. Just treasure. He's resetting. I get it. That's how I am at the beginning. I understand. And then by the end of her story— She tells you a story about a man with a toupee that is in love with her. That's right.

She tried to claim he had alopecia, but I was like, his eyebrows are fine, so I don't buy your story. I think he's just regular old bald. I know someone with alopecia, by the way. Jaunty alopecia? Wow, what a brag. What a brag.

It's tough going. I wish I could meet somebody with alopecia. Does he really have alopecia or did he fake alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship? I've never been able to determine it. You've never been able? Well, I mean— I feel like you know one thing about this guy. Well, I do know that his wife's name is Carla Fern. All right. We're getting off track. I can tell who has real alopecia because in the people who are faking alopecia in their dreams, they have hair. But the real alopecia people in their dreams, nobody has hair. That makes sense. Yeah. It's like you can't die in your dream. You can't.

You can't have alopecia in your dreams unless you have alopecia. Yeah, if you do, then you're going to wake up with real alopecia. So she tells you this story. And by the end of the story, I realized the Titanic was more than just a treasure hunt. You know, this is about people's lives, and I had a new respect for it. Wow.

I was sad that I wasn't going to get the heart of the ocean, that it was lost forever. And I even threw my—I was keeping a cigar that I was going to smoke after I found it. I threw it overboard. Wow, what a symbol of a moment. Exactly. What a sacrifice. Rose and I stayed in contact, and we became friends. And, you know, she died a couple months ago, and I went to her funeral. And her granddaughter, Lizzie, confided in me.

that Rose had the heart of the ocean the whole time, never told me, and threw it over the side of the boat. Yeah, she does that in the movie. She does it like literally right after she talks to you. Like she was wearing it the entire time. If you had just like maybe opened up the cleavage of her...

or something. I'm not going to do that. What a weird thing. Well, you're diving around in the ocean. Why not dive around in there? There's several reasons. A few. Do you really need this explained? I don't know. Wow. I may not know boundaries. Scott sounds like a guy I should bring him over to the wet dream section of the dream. I'm a greedy monster with gold fever, but what you said is really not cool. So anyway...

There are good guys left in the world. Right? I'm one of them. You're one of them. There we go, the one. You probably won't be going to see too many movies if you date Brock over here because he's missing. I've seen a few movies. I've missed some others. What's the big deal? What's your favorite movie of all time? Let's see. Favorite movie of all time. I gotta go with Used Cars. Used Cars.

Used Cars. The Robert Zemeckis film. Sure. No one has dreamed of that movie. I don't know much about it. No one ever? Used Cars. Not even me? Let me check. No, you haven't either. That's too bad.

It's not in your library at all. There's no record of anybody having dreamed of this film. I got Tin Men. Is it like Tin Men? Not really. I've never seen that one. All right. Well, a lot of people have dreamed of Tin Men. Well, the Fine Young Cannibals are in it. Let me see. All of them? All three of them. There's three people. People have only dreamed of two of the Fine Young Cannibals. That's weird because I usually never miss their movies.

So here's my question. Now, when you found out that information a couple of months ago that, you know, the heart of the ocean is right where you were, why not dive back down in there and try, you know, try scooping it up or something? OK, well, did you hear the part where this is years later? Wow. 20 years. But I mean, you found it. You found the Titanic. So why can't you find the heart of the ocean? Yeah, it might still be there. Oh, you found a gigantic ocean liner. Why can't you find a necklace? Yeah.

It's probably in the same sort of area. Yeah, it's probably 20 years later. Yeah. It probably hasn't reached the bottom of the ocean yet. Yeah, no one saw that movie. Unless as it was tumbling down, it somehow got wrapped around a turtle's neck who then took like an airstream. It's true. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. A turtle's neck. I was furious when I found this out.

I punched and kicked the coffin. Okay, just the coffin. The daughter. No, I couldn't get it open. Well, not the granddaughter, Lizzie, no. No, she's a lovely woman, I'm sure. She's a very lovely woman. Really? I flirted with her quite a bit. Really? Yes, I did. And how was she receptive to that? No. She just... She was tolerant of it. But you didn't like rip open her top like Scott suggested? No. Okay. Because that's apparently his move. I knew what flirting was and what flirting wasn't. Okay.

It's really not hard to tell the difference. It's actually very simple. Okay. So you kick the coffin. This is in full view of the mourners. Yeah. I screamed and yelled. I said, can you believe this lady committed a sin of omission, never told me that she had this necklace the whole time, and everyone just...

They were stifling laughter. Let me ask you this. Sure. Don't you think people knew about this because everyone has seen the movie Titanic? Everyone at that funeral knew about it. No one had told me. And these are people I consider my friends. You consider the granddaughter, the acquaintances of Rose to be your friends? You have to understand, we were on that boat for a long time listening to this woman tell that story. How long was it? Because in movie time it was two and a half hours. Yeah, in movie it's too long.

So you consider someone you listen to a story for two hours, they're your best friends? We all bonded. We all became fast friends and kept in touch all these many years. Well, Brock, we're coming up on a break here. I feel terrible for you. I don't think you do. I feel terrible for you. I think that you do. Thank you. I feel nothing. I simply fulfill my responsibilities.

How do you feel about that? I feel great. I'm neutral. Okay. So is there anything else you wanted to say about the situation before we go to a break? I just want to say, if anyone finds the Cordula mare, the heart of the ocean necklace, if it washes up on shore, if you're swimming in a turtle's neck, if it's around a turtle's neck, if a dolphin is like bouncing it around for fun, that belongs to me.

I want that necklace. Some would say finders keepers. Do you abide by those kind of rules? You are a treasure hunter. What do you know? I obviously don't.

But you're the finder usually, therefore the keeper. I'm calling dibs on that. I came as close as anyone's ever going to come. Well, Rose was closer. It was around her supple decolletage. She didn't find it. It was given to her. She wasn't searching for it. So if something is given, then it's their possession. What are you doing? You don't understand what I'm talking about. Isn't it in someone's dreams? Finders, keepers, losers, weepers. Yes, if someone has dreamed about it, I could find it. Now I feel the time has come to ask you. Yes.

Can you give me the heart of the ocean? I can give you a dream of the heart of the ocean. I can give you a very vivid dream of it. Can you give him the address of the person who dreamed it? Look here, in my hands. This is the heart of the ocean. The heart of the ocean. This is your dream of it, from your memories. The Corps de la Mer. Touch it. Touch it. May I? Please. Up!

Oh, it's snakes. What? Ah, that's funny. Why? Oh, good dream joke. Good dream joke. They all bit you on the fingies. Yep. Good little dream move. That's a dream move. Snakes. Each bite in one of my fingies. Not nice. Number one, three. All right. Number 13. Oh.

Good stuff. Can I ask about Brock Lovett? By the way, after that clip, Tawny also comes in. Tawny Newsome comes in playing the rum tum tugger from the musical Cats, which was making us laugh a lot. Unfortunately, we don't have time to listen to all of that. It's banoodles. But let's talk about Brock Lovett. How did you get the inspiration for Brock Lovett?

I think I accidentally did a, not accidentally, but I, I suddenly did a Bill Paxton impression for some reason. Were you talking about Bill Paxton or were you watching the movie Titanic? Bill Paxton came up. I had interviewed him for, for a speakeasy. My web series. Yes. Um,

How was he as an interview? He was fine. He was fine. He's like, you know, he was a Texas guy. He liked to tell stories. So he, it was one of those interviews where it's like, I think I asked three questions. That for me, that is the perfect interview. It's like, you go right ahead. But he was very nice man. And I think I was relating some story and I did a brief impression of him and I was like, Oh, that's actually not difficult to do. Right.

And so when you're talking to someone, too, or it's it's, I guess, easier to do. And if like if I were to just go up to you and name any random person, say like Saoirse Ronan, do a Saoirse Ronan right now. But if you're listening, I love Brooklyn. But if you're listening or watching a movie of hers or you're talking to her in person, it's probably easier to just break one out because you're like in that rhythm. Yeah, man.

So you break it off. So you did this several years ago. You did this impression and then you, yeah, it never occurred to me to do it on the show. And then, um, I think I had reached a point. I mean, the, the, here's a little how the bread is made. Okay, here we go. Doing characters. Sometimes, even if you have, you've come up with a, a wide variety of characters to choose from. If you're, you know, appearing on the show regularly, um,

I got to a point and I know that other people have gotten to this point too, where you just kind of hate all your characters. Who? I'm not going to say. Tell me who hates their characters. I'm not going to blow up. I'm not going to blow up. They're never allowed back on the show. Cause it's like, you have to, you have to come up with a new story for them every time. It depends, depending on the type of character that it is. Right. Um,

And so it becomes like, I just don't feel like doing any of those voices. I don't feel like doing any of those people. Like Cake Boss, our old friend buddy. Yes, our old friend buddy, Velastro Cake Boss. Will he never return? He probably will at some point. Yeah, you just need to put him to bed for a while until you're not tired of him anymore. You lie down. Here's what I say to my characters. You lie down. You lie down for a little bit, honey. You lie down in the bed. Don't die. You lie down in the bed. Don't die. You lie down in the bed. Don't die. So...

I don't know what made me think to do it on that occasion, but I think I might have had a discussion with somebody about the movie Titanic. Right. And how – How if that were a real character, how mad he would be if he watched the movie Titanic and saw – Yes. What a dick move that is that she throws the thing into the ocean. Yeah, a colossal waste of his time. Right. Right.

Well, it was a very funny clip, and I would love to talk to Brock again. I had forgotten that he existed until I listened to these back, but I would love to talk to him again. You never know. I know I'm not making requests, but him and Sully Sullenberger are two that I would love to see return. Speaking of returns, we are going to return after these messages, and we are going to be playing the clip of...

what you voted on to be your number 12 episode. You did this. This is the best of Comedy Bang Bang 2018. We'll be right back. Are you like me every night getting that big old bed of yours and you head on over to work at the Z Patrol? That's right. Sleep. Well, sleeping is maybe the greatest thing that we do as human beings. It will be our legacy. I truly believe that.

A quality night's sleep, it helps you recover from distractions faster. It helps prevent burnout. It helps you make better decisions. It can even help you improve your memory and overall just make fewer darn mistakes. Sleep is great. It's not marketing. It is science. Well, to design a better mattress to give you the quality night's sleep that's going to help you out with all of that,

What Lisa did is they, I'll be damned if they didn't leverage 30 plus years of experience and hundreds of hours of scientific testing to develop the perfect mattress for all body shapes and sleeping styles. I will be damned if they didn't do that. So I pray that they have done it. Please, Lisa, don't be lying to people because I don't want to go to hell. Lisa's mission is to provide a better night's rest for everybody.

That's what they want to do. They want to help everyone get all the rest they need. But that's not all they do. Yeah, it's their mission statement. Yeah, they want to do it. But that's not all they do. Through their 110 program, they also donate one mattress for every 10 they sell. That's more than 31,000 mattresses and counting. Oh, boy. Sold another 10,000 mattresses, Lisa, since the last time we did this ad. Congrats.

Lisa strives to leave the world better than they found it, but that doesn't just stop with the mattress donations. Together with the Arbor Day Foundation, Lisa plants one tree for every mattress that they sell. That sounds to me like they have planted 310,000 trees. What if they planted 310,000 mattresses?

Whoever takes over the earth after the apocalypse is going to have a lot of wondering what's going on with all those mattresses. No, they're planting trees. This is great.

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And a very happy Christmas Eve to you. And a very happy Christmas Eve to you. It is, I hope that you're gathered with your loved ones or ignoring your loved ones as you listen to this on Christmas Eve. I hope so.

I like the idea that someone's listening to this while their family is in the other room together. Yeah. Yeah. And you're just pouting in the other room. Yeah. I want to listen to these Paul F and Scott. Shut up. Shut up, grandma. A little Napoleon Dynamite. Let me see if I can do a Napoleon Dynamite. Oh,

Is that Beavis? Oh, it's Beavis. You're right. I get that. It might be Butthead. I get those two. I think you were doing Butthead. No, Buttheads. Oh, no, you're right. I was doing it. This is Beavis. Fire, fire. He liked fire. TP for my bunghole. He liked TP for his bunghole. He liked fire until it was suddenly unsafe for him to like fire. Then he liked fire no longer.

The Beavis story. Was there an episode where he didn't, he stopped lighting fire? No, I just think they had to phase that aspect out of his personality, perhaps, as someone set a fire after watching the cartoon. How would they know? Like they said, like, was this a little kid? I think it was a little kid. First of all,

Fire is something that mankind needs in order to survive. We need it. We need it. It's one of the elements. It's an instructional video in order to teach man how to make fire. What if Beavis had been like, wind, wind.

That would have been safe. I guess they would have set up some sort of hydroelectric wind turbine or something. But by the time they're doing that, they're going to get caught. I guess hydroelectric would be water. They'll get caught. You know what I mean? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Terrible tragedy. I don't know whatever happened to that person, but no toilet for you. Yeah.

R.I.B. All right, let's get to your number 12. Number one, two. All right, this is the number 12 episode. And we just heard from... Previously, we heard 558. Then we heard 532. This is 565. Solidly in the 500s. So about seven weeks after the Ship of Love episode, which if that were in July, this would put us...

Somewhere in September, I would imagine. Sure. So this is an episode called Come on, Bake Bake. Come on, Bake Bake. This is an episode with our good friend Jason Manzoukas, who currently stars in The Long Dumb Road, which you can get on iTunes and other places, I believe. And it also has Mary Holland. Oh.

The very funny Mary Holland. And it has Darcy Carden, whom you can see on The Good Place on NBC right now as Janet. She's terrific. She is terrific. You will not be hearing her on this clip, unfortunately, because we are going to focus on Mary's segment. But she was there. She was there listening, and you can hear her laugh in the background. Yes, a little later after this clip, Darcy plays a girl from my past. But let's hear this clip. She's a women's libber.

Laughing in background. Very good. Thank you. Very good. Woman laughing in background. I think that's it for me. I think I'm going to... You're done? You can do the rest of these yourself, right? I guess I could, but... I'm never going to top that. Okay. See you later. All right. Scott, this has been a pleasure. Please, before you go, don't overturn the table. There's a lot of expensive equipment on this. I kind of feel like I should. Please don't. Not in anger. Oh, please don't. Not in anger, but in victory. Yeah!

Oh, dear. All right, let's listen to this. Mary Holland plays Eugenia Wobbles, who is a baking reality show judge. This is your episode 12. Number one, two, three.

All right. Let's get to our first guest. She is an amateur chef. Please welcome Eugenia Wobbles. Great British baking show. Is that your catchphrase? Are you on that? I was on the great British baking show. I'm a baker. As a contestant? Yes. Oh, okay. I was on

Are you clarifying something, or why did you shout at the minute that you were introduced? Oh, because I love to bake. You know, my children. You shouted it because you love to bake. Got it. Got it. My children are all grown up. Oh, wow. So, see, you're an older woman. I'm an older woman than I'm British. I mean, she could be 38. She could be 32, for all we know. I'm 99. Oh, my God.

99? 99 is quite old. That's as many problems as Jay-Z had. I live in a cottage. Okay. And I have butter. I have a flower garden and I smell like skin. What do we got? We got butter? You smell like skin? Yes. I have butter. A flower garden.

Those are your possessions. You're like an opposite of a hoarder. You have butter and a flower garden. A flower garden. I smell like skin, and that's it. You smell like skin. Can I smell you? Oh, sure. Take a whiff. Yeah, that's skin. That's the skin smell. See? I never tell a lie. I'm British. It's interesting. You smell like British skin. Isn't it true? It smells like cuddled jam and a bunch of pudding flops.

And if you know it. Cuddled jam and a bunch of pudding flops. And I'm so excited to be here because this show. Your excitement is bubbling over a lot like a pot that has water in it. It's boiling. I don't know. I'm trying to make an analogy to your baking. Yes. Bob's your uncle. Oh.

Oh, yes. What does that mean? I've heard that so many times. It means it's so simple. All you have to do is think about it. Ah. Okay. Okay, got it. Okay. And that's all I'll say. Now, all right, goodbye. Were you going to help us figure out other common British phrases, the meanings of them? Yeah. Well, I can certainly do that. I can help you with that, of course. But I'm here because this is Come On, Bake, Bake. Yes? Yes.

And I'm here. This show? Yes. Oh, no. This is comedy bang bang. No, CBB. Come on, bake, bake. Wait, so all you saw was CBB and you got that close to it? Yes. And do you think the first word is C apostrophe M-O-N? Come on, bake, bake? Come on, bake, bake. I don't know. You're American. I had to, you know. Yeah, they slang it up for us. If it was come on, bake, bake, it would be Cobb. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Thai Cob. Or like Corn on the. I don't know. Cob comma Corn on the. You know, I know someone who makes Cob Houses in Britain. Really? In Brighton, Britain. What are Cob Houses? I don't quite know what that is. Cob Houses. It's a mixture.

Of mud and water and straw. Wait, so slightly watered down dirt. What's that? Slightly more watered down dirt. Yes, dirt with straw in it. This sounds like a very, this does not sound like it's up to code, these houses. No, no, no, very sturdy. And it keeps the heat in and it keeps the cold out. So it's like adobe. It's like adobe. It's like adobe. I hardly know her. What do you mean? What do you mean by that exactly? Adobe.

Adobe Reader? Adobe Reader? Adobe Reader. Go ahead. Anyway, that's just a little joke. Very little. Did you want to update it? No, no, no. No, you don't want to update your Adobe Reader? Never update your Adobe Reader. And also, I don't know what that is. I don't have a computer. Why do we have to update Adobe Reader? It's like it was fine. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, you know how to read. You know how to read. What's there to update?

Exactly. So you thought this was a competition baking show. Yes, yes. Did you bring some of your equipment here? Of course I did. I brought a spoonful of flour. I brought orange sauce. Tiny amount of flour. I brought a... Yes, in here. I brought a little spoon and a cup. An empty cup. Nothing in it. It's not.

Okay, great. So you have one spoonful of flour, some orange what now? Orange sauce. Orange sauce. What is orange sauce? Yeah, is this like a— Oh, it's orange sauce. It's sauce. It's orange sauce. Is that like orange chicken sauce? No, no, no, no, no. It's orange sauce. It looks orange. It tastes orange. It's orange sauce. So it's like orange that's been, you know, juiced or something like that? No, it's orange that's been mashed.

Oh, it's pre-chewed orange. I masticated it myself. Yes. So you spit a masticated orange into a cup. Yes, exactly.

Yes, yes, yes. And then you add a little water like a cob house. And you build it all together and it keeps the heat out and the cool in. Oh, okay. The sauce does. Of the cake? Anyway, and so I came on here because I'm just desperate. You see, I have, my life is just so weird. You know, my children are all grown up. Oh, they are. Oh, sure, yeah. You're 99. What age did you have your children? When I was 90. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. So, but they're still with us. No, no, no.

When you say all grown up, you mean fully grown, meaning dead. I mean fully grown. I mean lived full lives and died. All of your children. Natural causes. That's as old as they're going to be. At an old age. Why did you have to say natural causes? That's like, yeah. No, no, no. I'm just saying they die.

of natural causes. Your eyes are darting back and forth. Really shifty. So shifty. Anyway. Can I ask you a question, Eugenia Wobbles? Yes. Did you win your season of Great British Bake Off? Or are you allowed to say? No, damn it. No? Oh, that's strong language. I should have won. I should have won. Did you not impress Mary Berry or Paul Hollywood? No, I didn't.

It was cake week, and I made a mouth cake for my showstopper. Yep. It was a cake in the shape of an open trap. Yeah. And they said... A trap meaning like a trap door? No, like a mouth trap. It was...

A mouth trap. Mouth trap. A mouth trap. Sure. With a little cheese in it. Oh, a mouth trap. Wait, you have a lisp? You're trying to say mouth trap. Obviously she has a lisp. I only have a lisp when I say mouth. Oh, got it. You just said mouth. It's just one of my little quirks. I'm a quirky British woman. So I made a cake in the shape of a mouth trap. And of course I have...

Of course, I had a little bit of cheese in it. Yes, of course. How about a little cake-shaped mouth? No, no, no. It was sort of, it was like, I guess I didn't really do the touch. A mouse wouldn't be in the shape of a cake. It would be vice versa. Mouse-shaped cake. It was a mouth-shaped, well, you see, I guess, blah, blah, blah, my creak, creak, creak.

Cut to the chase. Oh, my God. Oh, wait. Holy cow. Virtation, what is happening? Are you okay? Are you having a stroke? Eugenia. Excuse me. Did I just press fast forward? Ms. Wobbles? I have a hard time. Here's the thing about me. I lisp when I say the word mouth, and I have a hard time pronouncing quick, quick, quick. Oh, okay. Because I don't like quick.

Got it. Got it. Oh, okay. Yeah. A little post-traumatic stress disorder from Great British Bake Off. From Paul Hollywood. Can you say criticism? Criticism. Okay. We'll just switch to that. No, no, no. Because it wasn't a criticism. It was a critique. Oh, you just said it. You did it. You did it. Wow. It's almost as if you forgot that you had that problem. That's not at all what happened. What a mess.

Anyway, what they said was that my cake wasn't a cake at all. It was a pudding. What's the difference? I never know when they talk about puddings. Pudding is floopy and cake is floppy. Got it. Got it. Those are baking terms. As a viewer of the show, I know. Floopy v. floppy. That's right. Whoever wins, we lose. I made a floopy mouth trap that had cheese in the middle of it. You should have made a floppy mouth trap. That's what I did.

And they said they tasted it. Do you know what they said? What did they say? Do you know? I didn't watch that season. What did they say? They said, this is sour. Sour? Oh, wow. What in it was sour? What were the ingredients? Well, I put oiled eggs. Okay. The things that make you fart. Just in the cake? Yeah.

I put minced thyme. Okay. By that, I don't mean the herb. Herb. I mean the clock. Oh, you mean the concept of thyme? Yes. I took a clock and I minced it. Oh, gosh. Okay. Yes. So like metal shavings. Yeah. But also not sour. Well, yes. We haven't gotten to the sour parts yet. And I put in. Is this a family recipe? This is my own creation. So.

So, no, it doesn't exist. No, no, no. No one in my family baked. So everything so far has been savory or metal. So get to the sour part. That's my style. So the sour part was what I did was I took a lemon. Okay, we're listening. Yeah.

I took a lemon. Okay. We're hooked in. I threw it in the trash. Oh! Surprise twist! Just like Ian did with his cake in season three. Whoa! Right. Threw it right in the bin, as they say. Why are your eyes darting back and forth again? No, I know Ian in season three. Wait, are you the old grandma who took his cake out of the fridge and like... No, that's not me. I didn't do that. Her name wasn't Eugenia Wobbles.

Anyway. Yeah. And then, of course, I added in some cinnamon. Sure, that's sweet. And a little bit of vanilla. Okay, also sweet. And then...

And then I made, of course, my sponge for my pudding. Yes, of course. For your cake. My pudding cake. That's flappy. That's flappy. Pudding flops. You need floopy. Also a bunch of pudding flops, if you remember. Yes, yes. A good gobbled...

Are you all right? Was there another word you can't say? Holy cow. No, no, no. You don't have to rush. You don't have to rush. Slow down. Slow down. And so, yes. And so those ingredients, and then I put in a pepper. A pepper, okay. A ghost pepper. All right. Spicy, but also savory. And then I...

And then. So far, I will say this cake, nay pudding, sounds delicious. Other than the metal shavings which might slice up your gums. Other than the indigestible metal shavings. Well, well, well. Don't knock it till you've tried it, Bobby your uncle. Other than the minced timepiece. And then I put in a car charger. Okay. What do you mean? A car charger. You know a car charger. A car charger. Like for an electric car? Yeah.

No. No. A charger for your phone in your car. Oh, I see. Yes. And then I put in some Sour Patch Kids. Oh, here we go. Sour Patch Kids. And what was the ratio of Sour Patch Kids to? 100%. Oh, wait. So all the other ingredients were not in it. It was just Sour Patch Kids. Those were just things I thought about putting in it. I just gave them a dish full of Sour Patch Kids. Oh, okay. And they said it was too sour. And they said that was a pudding? What?

I said that was a pudding. Well, you were trying to make a cake. You weren't trying to say it was a cake. You were trying to make a mousetrap cake. You said they called it a pudding. Yes. And then you said you put down a bowl of Sour Patch Kids. I don't think about it too much. Everything I say is true. Yeah, you have PTSD from this. Well, exactly. Yeah. Number one, two. Oh, funny stuff. Funny equals money.

That's true, man. That's fucking true. And she is rich with laughter. Rich as creases. Rich as creases. Who's creases again? He invented creases pieces. The richest candy maker. Eclipsing Mr. Wonka himself. That's right.

That loony bird. All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, Paul and I will be still remaining to count down these episodes and we will play the episode number 11 for you. This is comedy. Bang, bang. We'll be right back. Cough, cough. Sound familiar? Yeah.

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I actually don't know what I mean. Look, it's frightening to go – it's frightening to talk to anyone, frankly. But doctors, it's the fear of the unknown. They're going to tell you a bunch of things that you need to change or here's what's – it's almost – even though it's horrible to not know and it creeps into your brain, it's always just better once you know what's going on, you know? Yeah.

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B-O-T. I thought you were spelling power bottom for a second. Ebenezer Scrooge, notorious power bottom. B-O-W. It's just like cheerleaders making a stadium spell out power bottom. What if, just as a prank...

One day. Oh, you did Gilmar hands. Just as a prank. Just as a prank. New rule. On Wheel of Fortune, Pat Sajak and Vanna White are waiting to come out on stage. And the producer says to everyone in the crowd, okay, instead of shouting Wheel of Fortune this time, we're going to shout out and spell Power Bottom just as Pat Sajak comes out. So here's what happens. You're going to, as they come out, you're going to chant Power Bottom. Then we're just telling you we're not telling Pat and Vanna.

Every puzzle is going to spell out power bottom. Every single one. But we're going to change the description of the clue each time. Oh, yeah. Thing pad is. That's right. Or what are some of their other clues? Like famous in the news or something like that. Sure. Do they do in the news? In the news, power bottom. That would be, what a wonderful world that would be. My world. I do. I want to go to there. Yeah.

30 Rock. That's right. Were you ever on 30 Rock? Nope. Neither was I. We are not New York actors. No. However, I lived in New York for a year. That's right. And you could have. I could have. I never. The most embarrassing thing. This is a career shame for me. Mm-hmm.

Lived in New York for a year, never even got asked to audition for a Law & Order. Law & Order? Not any of them. You're kidding. Did you announce to the Law & Order various spinoffs and main show that you were arriving in New York? Yes, I presented them with my card. They track this, right? Yes. They talk to the border security? I visited their offices. I presented them with my calling card. I said, I am in town.

for one calendar year. Well, at that time, it was an indeterminate amount of time, I would imagine. Yeah. Your show got canceled is what I'm saying. I mean, I should have realized. What's so funny was that experience was like, you know, it's going to be for at least a year. Yeah, at least a year. You're like, all right, all right, we'll figure it out. And then as soon as the year was up, it's canceled. And Jane and I were like, let's get it off. I got it. It's GTFO. Get it off. I got it.

Let's say goodbye to the Statue of Liberty. I'll take a flame for that place! Is that our good friend Al Pacino? Is that our bad friend? Which movie was that from?

that's from take a flamethrower of a woman he takes a flamethrower if he were the man he was 30 years ago he'd take a flamethrower to this place in which place the restaurant court of law court of law he's in a court incentive a woman yes did does every al pacino movie just like finagle him into a court so he can scream at someone yeah yeah you're out of order this vending machine is out of order does he appear in court in dick tracy

He should, yeah. He should probably get arrested and then just yell at a judge. He does in Devil's Advocate, certainly. He's an absentee landlord! Isn't he a lawyer in that? Yeah. That's based on a pun. That's an I Dream of Jeannie pun-based pitch. It's the same people. Really? The I Dream of Jeannie team made Devil's Advocate. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, makes sense. With the rising painting. Yeah.

I don't remember any. Opening night. You don't intimately remember every scene from The Devil's Advocate? That's another opening nighter. So excited that I don't remember a single thing from and have never seen any of it ever again. Is that good? Do you think...

You should see every movie twice, even something that's not good, just so you can remember why it was so bad. Yes. And so you can give it a fair shake. A fair shake. Has there ever been a movie where you were like, this is a piece of shit? And then you watch it again and go, I was wrong. Yeah, Boondock Saints. Boondock Saints. When I first watched it, I thought, this is very stupid. And then when I watched it again, I was like, I was wrong. It's brilliant. Yeah.

All right. We need to get. All right. All right. Enough. That's enough out of you. You were talking to your hat there. Yeah, that's enough out of you. You didn't hear him? Who makes that hat? I'm trying to read upside down. I can't. This is from the Wellema Hat Company. Wellema. Yes. And where is Wellema based? This is a bespoke hat, dear boy. Absolutely.

And I see your name in there. Yes. It says Paul. It says Mr. P.F. Tompkins. Mr. P.F. Tompkins. There it is. That's me, by the way. Where are they based? Altadena, California. Altadena, California. That's right. Go get all of your bespoke hats. He's made several hats for me, that gentleman. Has he really? Yes, he has. And do you think he really makes them or does he just call China and go, get to work? I think he calls China. Yeah. Jiggity China. Speaking of Thomas Middleton calling China. Oh, boy.

All right. Let's get to our next clip. This is your episode 11. Number one. One. All right. This is number 11. 14, 13, 12, 11. Of course. We did it. We did it. We're as good as our word. And this is, let's see, we started with 558, then we went to 532, which is about in February. Yeah.

This is 524, even earlier than February. And look, this is apropos for the day that today is, if you're listening to this on the day it's released. I am. This is Christmas Eve, and this is an episode called Merry Chunky Christmas.

Merry Chunky Christmas. Merry Chunky Christmas. Let me tell you about the people involved. Let me tell you about the people involved. We have Neil Patrick Harris. NPH. NPH, who before appearing on this show, I did not know, is a big fan of Comedy Bang Bang.

And, in fact, was doing a promotional tour for Downsizing, I believe. Wow, yeah. I think so. Forgot about that movie. And his publicist, he told his publicist he wanted to do Comedy Bang Bang. And his publicist, like most publicists, I found most publicists...

uh, do not take this show seriously. And, uh, nor should they, nor should they. And they entertain the idea of their client doing it for a while and get me all excited about it. And then we schedule it. And then, uh, approximately one day, the client listens to the show. No, the client never listens to the show, nor knows that this is on his or her schedule. Uh, but, uh, and the publicist will get everyone excited about, uh,

this client doing the show. And then about, uh, 24 hours in advance, we'll say, Oh, they don't have time anymore. Their schedule changed. And all of the work that I've done in, uh, booking people, you have the other guests and all that, uh, is all for naught. Uh,

And that it looks like that was going to happen with Neil on this show because I heard that he was I heard he was a fan and you can never really take that as gospel. Exactly. But I did hear that rumor. And because this is Hollywood all the time, we're saying, oh, I love what you do. We hate it. We hate it. We hate everyone else's work. We hate when our friends become successful. Oh, Morrissey. Fun.

So this was on my schedule and I had booked you guys for a while. And then suddenly I think about it. For a while. I think about 24 hours in advance, the publicist said, oh, Neil's schedule changed and he no longer can do it. And I said, of course. The old refrain. I said, of course, I understand. And then, but then it got put back on the schedule because Neil saw it taken off his schedule. Oh, fuck. And he said, wait a minute.

I want to do Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, shit. And he really wanted to do it. Oh, shit. Which was very, very nice of him. And then he fired his publicist on air. On air. And he hired me as his publicist. Hey, I didn't know that. And my only idea for publicity is to talk about this story on the air. Sure.

So in this episode, Paul, you play – the other people involved are – it's Neil Patrick Harris, yourself, Paul F. Tompkins, and Sean Diston. That's right. Sean Diston, who has made quite a splash this year. Quite a splash. As a lot of people's favorite – one of their favorite performers and, as he calls himself, self-professed fan favorite –

Um, this is the first episode in which he plays self-professed fan favorite Rudy North. That's right. This is the very, his day, his character debut. So let me explain what has happened before this clip. Now, if you recall, uh, Neil, uh,

very graciously fit about an hour of the recording into this. Um, but we didn't want to put out an episode. There's just 45 minutes or an hour. So instead you and I talked as big chunky bubbles for approximately half an hour before he, before he arrived. Yeah. We're not going to hear that. Um,

And then Neil arrived and we talked to him for a while. And then Sean came in and debuted the character of Rudy North. So the people involved, you'll hear Big Chunky Bubbles, who is a soup artist. But not the focus of the clip. Not the focus of the clip, no. Okay. Remember, I tried to prepare you for this eventuality. Sure, sure. But the way you brought me up first and made me think that. Go ahead. Okay. But you do some expert chiming. Sure, it's great. Sure, it's great.

So this is Rudy Rudimentary North. He is going to talk about his life. So let's listen to this. This is your episode 11. So to leave Miami and come to a place like Los Angeles and be able to be employed, Postmates has done me such a favor. Now,

You came out here just to work for Postmates? Oh, yeah. I came out here three or four months ago just to work for the Postmates Corporation. Did Postmates have an ad out saying, hey, do you want to live in Los Angeles? Yes. It was a Craigslist post that I saw that I answered. And at first it was a scam. And it wasn't Postmates. At first it was a scam. At first it was a scam. You were petrified. At first it was a scam. I was petrified. But it's still...

Right. You know, I couldn't believe it. And, you know, so basically the song continues. Did it turn into not a scam on the same call? No, that's just how I learned about Postmates. Oh, I see. So the first one was a scam. The first one was a scam. I was petrified. And then I learned about Postmates and decided on my own to...

Purchase a ticket to Los Angeles. Oh, my gosh. Where'd you get this ticket? Now, that's the whole story in itself, Scott. And I can't go into the dirtbag things I did to get this ticket. I did some bad stuff. That's for another episode. That's for another episode. I'm glad. I'll be back for another episode, Scott. I'll be the judge of that. We'll talk about that next 10 episodes from now. Now, I got here and I needed a car, Scott.

So you did not own one. I did not own a car, so I needed a car. So what I did was I was walking down Sunset. Okay. That's a good start. That's a good start. As one does. And I could see that there were— Was it time to feel good? I was walking down Sunset. It was time to feel good. And I continued walking down Sunset, and I saw a lot of cars passing, and I thought that was an opportunity. Okay. So I jumped into traffic. Oh, okay.

Oh. I jumped into traffic and was hit by a Toyota Tercel. Oh, hit. I was hit by a Toyota. I really kind of jumped on the car. Okay. It looked like I was hit. Going how fast? Oh, he was going a clean 60 up something. 60? Yeah. What time of day was this? It was rush hour. It was rush hour? Yeah. It's okay. This guy deserves it, though. That's what I was thinking, too. He was driving on the sidewalk. Turns out he was a post-mades driver, too.

Complete dirtbag. Okay. But I dirtbagged him out of his car. So I said, you hit me with your car. Let's not have insurance handle this. Give me the keys. Just give me the keys. Give me the keys. This is like real Fast and the Furious style. That's exactly. I was like, give me the slips. I want pink slips. Right. How hurt were you? You got hit by a car. I was very hurt. Neil, thank you for asking. Yeah, I was pretty fucked up.

So I got into his car and basically because my leg was broken, I pretty much drove around for the next three or four weeks.

Wait, because... I'm sorry. I don't get the logic of this. Could you not move your leg to the brake? Well, first of all, I didn't have a place to stay. And also, once I was in the car, it was very difficult to get out of the car. Okay. So that was hard for me. So not operating the machinery of the car was okay? That was easy. I just used my left leg. Okay. But getting out was difficult. That was very hard. So what I did was I took over this man's order. I delivered his postman. Oh, so he was mid-order. He was mid-order.

I took his order. I usurped his job. Okay. Pretty much using his identity. So wait, this is like a life swap. Yeah, I life swapped with him pretty much. Wow. So when you get hit by a car, you can just life swap with someone? Hey, if you got the dirtbag skills I do, Scott, you can do whatever you want. I want to go around trying to hit you with a car. Or no, getting hit by you. Wait, I don't want to hit you with a car. Yeah, you better be careful, Scott. You don't want my life. You don't want that. Can I ask a question? Of course, Neil. Do you know what happened to this guy now? Oh, Neil, I did find out.

I did find out what happened to him. Is he okay? Is everything okay for him? Oh, yeah, he was fine. Is he back in Miami? No, he's no longer working at the Postmates Corporation. Oh. He's working for Lyft. You said that like it was so dramatic. He just... He's working...

Now he got another car. I was about to say, you need a car for Lyft. He went right down to Honda. Why did you say it like this? But wait a minute. You guys know that working for these passenger company, the passenger delivery companies. You call it a passenger delivery? I call them passenger delivery companies. Instead of food delivery. Yeah, exactly. You know me. Now, those companies are terrible because I'll tell you why, Scott. You don't get to leave your car.

I see. Oh, that's true. Okay, so when you're in Postmates, I never really thought about this. Yeah, when Postmates, I pull up to the restaurant, double park, of course.

Of course. Of course. Throw on my hazards. Of course. Of course. I put on my hazards and I run in, right? Get your hazies on. My hazies on. Let's say I'm going to Sugarfish, right? Sure. Throw my hazies on. I run into Sugarfish. I grab the sushi. I'm grabbing it so fast, quite honestly, the sushi sloshed around in the bag by the time it gets to the house. It sucks when it's Sugarfish because they're in the little special. It's not good. It's not good. No, I know. I'm not good at that, but...

What I do is I get to be out of the car. I get to communicate with people in the restaurant. What are you saying to these people in the restaurant? You're doing it so fast. Oh, yeah. I'm saying stuff like, what's up? What's up, Charles? How y'all doing? Okay. How y'all doing in the back? That kind of thing. Okay.

A lot of greetings. A lot of crowd work? Yeah. I say, like, a lot of people here tonight. A lot of people, wow, what a crowd. I say stuff like that. Okay. To the kitchen crew? To the kitchen crew. I say, y'all from out of town? And a lot of them are from out of town. Anybody celebrating anything tonight? Anybody celebrating? A lot of anniversaries in the Sugarfish Kitchen. And because— Kitchen? Mm-hmm.

I thought this was to the people eating. Oh, no, no, no. I don't interact with the people in the back. I'm a man of the people, Scott. Okay, got it. You saw me come in. I said hi to Brett. I shook his hand. I said, hey, Brett, how's your dear Brett? I'm a man of the people. I get that sense about you. Okay, so I talked to the people in the back, and then guess what, Scott? Now I'm delivering your food.

I get to get back in my car. You're back in the car, much like a Lyft driver. Much like a Lyft driver. But I had that fresh air for a second, you know? And then once you get to the place. Oh, well, no, no, no. There's many steps before that. Oh, sorry, sorry. I don't mean to hurry this along. Of course, of course. I beg your pardon. Before that, and of course Neil knows because you're a big fan. Before that, once I get the food, I like to give a call. Neil doesn't even know what Postmates is 10 minutes ago. This is all new to me. Neil, wait, now hold on. Now you might not know this, Neil, but.

Your assistants have ordered Postmates for you many times. Really? You don't remember me? I remember the sugarfish. You remember the slosh around bag of sugarfish? Yeah, I actually do. I was kind of pissed off about that. Neil, I can't believe you don't remember me. That was you? We had a whole interaction now. Neil was like, what the fuck is up with my sugarfish? And we did fist fight for a few minutes. Fist fight? I remember this actually. He said, what's up with my sugarfish? And I said, fuck you. And I just threw a punch.

Wait, you threw first? He hit me in the throat. Yeah, I went right for the throat. Oh, my God. Why the throat first? It's called a dirtbag's handshake. Okay, that makes sense. Dirtbags, you just chop to the throat or punch to the throat. Got it. I really flew off the handle very quickly, but then you know what?

I said, I'm sorry. And you asked if you could use the bathroom. I said, can I use your bathroom? And then you just – And then you said, of course. Of course. And then just – Like I said, of course. It was a weird voice, but I took it. I took it as politeness. I know you play a lot of characters. I was bleeding from the throat. Well, yeah. Oh, right. I forgot. And then just Chili's coming out into his bathroom. And then, yeah, I made the fudge in your bathroom. Oh, my gosh.

For a few minutes. I'm surprised you don't remember me, Neil. I respect. Now, Neil, I did want to talk to you about this because I did check my rating afterwards. Yeah. And I did get four out of five stars.

That seems appropriate. Generous. That doesn't even seem appropriate to me. That seems like you're being... I don't want to give... Well, listen, if you give two or three stars, there's a problem. You know what I mean? It sounds to me like there's a problem. I got punched in the throat. Neil, you must have such an interesting life that stuff like this happens to you so often that you don't remember it.

Have you ordered sugarfish before? Yes, of course. And have you ever had a problem when they came and... I haven't been punched in the throat regarding... Wow. You don't remember me either, Scott? Well, I think you may have the crazy... Wait a minute, you delivered to me as well? Wow, I can't believe...

Yes, of course, Scott. I have delivered to you. It wasn't sugarfish. I remember the food. Usually I don't remember. It was Mendocino Farms. Oh, Mendocino Farms. Yeah, I get that salad with the grilled chicken. Grilled chicken, right. And you had a problem that there was no grilled chicken in your salad. Well, it's the grilled chicken salad. Of course I have a problem. I told you, Scott, someone cut me off on the street and I took the little strips of grilled chicken out and I was throwing it into their car through the window. Okay.

And you needed to understand that that's part of the delivery process. I'm defending your orders. What did I do? I don't really recall. Well, you turned around.

I punch you in the butt. You punch me in the butt. Right? You don't remember this? You don't remember? I hit you right in the glute. That seems weirder than a throat punch, Scott. I guess you're right. And you're so tall. I did go for the throat punch. I didn't realize how tall you were. Neil was standing in a trench when I punched him, but you were not. So I went for the neck right in the butt. Yeah. I can't believe you don't remember that, Scott. Unless it's the actual butthole, I don't, you know. No, you don't remember. These things kind of like are hazy. Do you remember what Scott's rating was for you?

Yeah. Scott gave me four and a half out of five stars. And I do want to say I'm not happy about these ratings. You don't like four and a half? I'm a perfectionist. Who's the pot and who's the kettle now? Look, like...

Much like Big Chunky Bubbles over here. Good question. Much like Big Chunky Bubbles, I'm a perfectionist. Right. You know what I mean? I don't really think that's something true you can say about Big Chunky Bubbles. How dare you? You ain't seen the soup bubble, Scott? You've seen my act? Oh, yeah. I've driven past your act a lot. Have you delivered soup to him?

Oh, yeah, I did want to. Yes. Do you not remember that big chunky corpse? I do remember. Of course he does because he is a gentleman. I gave you five stars. You gave me five stars, and I did—

Give you a little bit of a titty twister. That's right. But at my request. Yes. I came by and. I was falling asleep. Yeah. I had some Jones on third and I said, big chumpy B, big chumpy B. I got you some soap. I got you some soup and some soap from Jones on third. He wasn't sure if I said soap bubbles or soup bubbles. So I got both because I'm a perfectionist. The Jones on third soap is really great. It's so good. It's good soap. Yeah.

And then he said, wow, thank you so much. Can you deliver me a titty twister right now? How polite? Why are you more polite to him than you are to me? He's in the service industry. I'm sort of performing a service here. Really? All right. I mean, Scott, to be honest, I don't know if you could handle a job like Pose Bates. I don't know that I want one. It's not about want, Scott. I'm saying I don't know if you could handle it. Okay. What are the requirements here? All right. First of all, you got to have a car.

Okay. I do have one of those. So is that it? I mean – Maybe you can handle it. That's all? That's just one requirement? I didn't even think about it because, yeah, yeah, you know what? You can probably handle it, Scott. Okay.

You have a car. Well, I have to say, Rudy, and I knew your name. I didn't have to look down at my notes. It seemed as though. It's such a nondescript name, Rudy North, for such an interesting person. Well, I didn't want to talk about that because this whole interesting is person thing, that was a lot of pressure. I'm sorry. I don't mean to put that on you. That's more of a Neil thing. I find him one of the most interestingest of people. I don't know if I'm that interesting. I mean, yes, I'm a mortal.

Can you be clearer in the way you said that? Immortal? Immortal or immortal? I don't know if we have time for that. I know. I don't think we do. We might have to talk on another podcast about that. We're running out of time. This is when you bring this up? That's when you drop that bomb? I wanted to talk about Poe's face. Number one. Oh.

Ah, funny stuff. Funny stuff. Funny stuff. Now that is just the beginning of the lore of Rudy Rudimentary North. The Postmates employee, professional dirtbag, constantly postponing telling me all the details regarding his immortality and his life. The throat punching is established here. You can hear him sort of like, what's interesting is now he has refined his

this character to a degree over the past year and his many appearances where some things that he accidentally says in that clip, like throat punching, I think was just something that came up out of the blue. That wasn't something he planned on necessarily. That's become full canon as he says. So it's interesting to hear the beginnings of a character like that. Well, also the throat punching became a magical thing.

Yes, it did. At first, it was just a way to disable someone so you could take their stuff. Also, he starts off the clip just saying that he took over their life. He doesn't say he throat punched them. That comes up a little later in the clip of how he did it. And the immortality was just something he riffed there. But it's great to hear the first appearance of a character that has become such a wonderful addition to the show.

All right. That is... All right. All right. All right. Look. Look. This is what we said was going to happen, and this is what happened. Look, we're not breaking any promises. Promises made, promises kept.

We said we would go down 14, 13, 12, 11, and we did it. And we did it in the order that we said we would do it. In the order we said we would do it. Now, I do want to – we're going to be back on Thursday, and we're going to be counting down 10, 9, 8, and 7. 10, 9, 8, and 7. But before we do that, I want to leave the episode. We have had many wonderful musical guests. Musical guests. Musical guests.

over the past year. And I wanted to highlight, uh,

One of them. And we'll take you out with this. We have Mr. Heavenly was on at the end of the previous year. That is the band that Engineer Brett plays in. And they did a it is Christmas Eve. So I wanted to play a little song that they played on our Christmas episode last year that has a little bit of holiday flair to take us out. It's called The Wandering Jews Christmas. I don't think it is.

But let's hear from that Mr. Heavenly, and we will see the rest of you. The rest of you? We'll see the rest of you. I guess everyone other than Mr. Heavenly. They're not going to be listening. We will not see you this Thursday. We'll not see you this Thursday. The rest of you, we definitely will see. We will see you on Thursday for part two of our countdown. Thanks for listening, everyone. Take it away, Mr. Heavenly. R.A.B. R.A.B.

♪ I'm trying to disguise a witness ♪ ♪ No goddamn, endless night ♪ ♪ Nobody's home, answering the phone ♪ ♪ You said you weren't, oh you love the tone ♪ ♪ Being your bonnet, you got all the tea in China ♪ ♪ I got zero feelings on it ♪ ♪ Give or take a bus or minus seat ♪

I'm trying to disguise a man in this life. Nobody's home, answering the phone. You said you weren't about all your love at home. Being your bonnet, you got all the tea in China. I got zero feelings on it. Give all dirt but for some minus two.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Christmas, Christmas, Santa, Santa

Christmas, Christmas, Santa, Christmas, Christmas, Santa, Jesus. Christmas, Christmas, Santa, Jesus. Cool. Christmas, Christmas, Santa, Christmas. Cool.

Thank you.

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