Best of 2018 Pt. 2
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Get your meat hooks off the comic books and put your salami inside of my mommy. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yep. You know, at first I thought that sounded rude. You were petrified.

That was a clip that we played on the last episode. But then, it's nice! Yeah, it is nice. Thanks to Call Waiting for Godot for that catchphrase submission, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, Best of 2018, Part 2! Part 2! Part 2! Gonna take you to Part 2! That is a big Audio Dynamite reference. Bad. Yes.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 18. Thank you. Best of 18. I imagine I put a little apostrophe before 18. Comedy Bang Bang has put out 18 episodes. These are the best of those. These are the best 18.

Let's say hello to everyone. My name is Scott Aukerman. Welcome to the show. This is part two, of course. Scott, introduce me. I'll get there. No, tell them who I am. Right now? I was going to give you a nice big introduction. I was just talking about a lot of your... You want me to say some nice things about you? Do your thing. Do your thing.

Paul F. Tompkins is here. Yeah. Oh, so you don't know nice things. No, I figured that you wanted to be introduced. I said do your thing. And it just seemed to me like you were going to be upset if I didn't introduce you right away. Well, I'm upset now. I didn't know about the nice things. Okay, let me try to do the nice things. He was not in Law and Order nor 30 Rock.

These are the nice things? These are the nice things. He did not sully those wonderful television programs. Oh, Scott. You are doing me dirty. No, of course, we all know Paul F. Tompkins from his many appearances on this show, but... The end. His wonderful career off mic. And on the boards. Of course. Broadway. And the old Globe Theater. Oh!

Oh, the old Globe Theater. Have you ever done a Shakespeare play, Paul? No, I never have. I never have. I would love to see you in one. Really? Yeah, I would. I think it would be really fun. You could do like a two-month run. Is there a Shakespeare? Two minutes later. I don't know what any of those words mean is the problem. Okay. You don't know what run means? For suits and shit. Oh, those words. Yeah, Shakespeare words.

Thou. Thou just means you. Dust. Does. This is easier than I thought. Yeah. All you got to do is like... Me thinks. I think. What? These are easy. It's one to one? Yeah, that's all. There, does it solve it? Is there a part in a Shakespeare play that you were like, that you've ever been like, all things being equal, that would be fun to play that. I mean...

I guess like Richard III. That'd be fun. Would be fun. The hunchback of England. I mean, it's such a, there's a lot going on there. Yeah. What is it? He wants horses and all sorts of stuff. He loves them. He loves horses. He loves them. He's a horse guy. Horses may come up a little later in our countdown. Oh. That's right. Are we going to talk about Red Dead Redemption 2? Yes, we are.

A thing that's on the edge of my brain all the time? Did you want to play Shakespeare's Red Dead Redemption 2 as well? I would love to. The second? To say the role of Red Dead Redemption the second. Oh, man. I think if Shakespeare were alive today, he would be writing video games. For sure. He'd be writing cut scenes from video games.

Oh, how the snow has slain me. He would talk exactly the same. How I must eat. Oh, I die, I die. I must pick and eat these herbs to restore my dead eye core. Ha ha ha.

That is the type of specificity that only a true player would offer to that riff. I'm a gamer. You are a gamer. And I feel like it's about ethics and journalism. Ah, yes. You're a big Gamergate person, are you not? Big Gamergate. Oh, love it. And I'm a big QAnon guy, too. Oh, I love the idea of QAnon. It's great. That there's some secret guy out there who's giving us all

The secret dirt. Guys, I got some new secrets for you. I got new secrets. The new QAnons are here. The new QAnons are here. It's me, QAnon. Are you ready for the latest secret? Yeah, here's Trixie. Is he not? Welcome to the show. What we're going to be doing this episode is we are, I touched the flame just to see if it was hot. I touched the flame. The flame I touched. The flame I touched.

We have some fake candles here. I mean, they're not fake. They are real, but they are not fire candles. They are battery operated. This is interesting. Yes. Are they real candles? They're, I mean, the wax is fake. They're shaped like candles. The light is fake. They appear to be. The wax is fake. The light is fake. And thus I spake.

The candle's fake. You got to do Shakespeare, my man. You were born for it. Got to do it. What about like The Tempest? Do you want to play? Or no, King Lear. What about King Lear? That'd be fun. You got to pick somebody up. Oh, I thought you meant like on the way to rehearsals. Yeah, you got to carpool. All those three daughters. You got to pick them up every day. Yeah. It doesn't sound fun to me. It's weird that Shakespeare wrote that into. Whosoever plays Shakespeare.

The Mad King. Is he the Mad King? He must carpool with his daughters, or else my curse is upon you. The Shakespeare curse. No, not the Macbeth one. That's you guys. That was not me. Not the wandering jukers. Oh, wandering. Wandering jukers. Wandering jukers to me. Woo!

Um, you should play Shakespeare. I think that would be fun. Like you, uh, we should, we should for fun, maybe do a reading of a Shakespeare thing one night. That would be fun, right? Maybe one of his comedies or something. My fear is that I would be absolutely terrible at it. I think all we would have to do is study it for months and months and months and work with acting coaches. We're doing this for free, right? Oh, of course. Sounds good. Uh,

I think it would be fun. I did Midsummer Night's Dream when I was in college, and that was a lot of fun. And I did Romeo monologues. Banished! Oh, no. What did he want banished? I believe Romeo is banished himself. Oh, he got banished. He was complaining about it.

That's what Shakespeare is, is like people complaining about things. Romeo going, banish it, and he kicks a rock. Banish it. Is it Romeo or is it another dude? Now, I get Romeo and Hamlet confused. Well, they're different. They are different people, right? They're not even in the same movie. Oh, man. What an amazing movie to have the whole Shakespeare extended universe, all those characters together.

The Avengers of Shakespeare. The SEU to have like, if they did like a Justice League or Avengers. Oh my God, that would be amazing. With a Shakespeare character. You just have like Lady Macbeth. Yeah. Just totally, you know. The powers of persuasion. Out brief candle to the last syllable of recorded time. Is that her?

I know she's out damn spot for sure. Out damn spot. That's what I meant. What is the brief candle? Time. What is it? Blah, blah, blah, blah. To the last syllable of recorded time.

I used to know all these things. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah to the... Wait, if we can do that, then I'm in for the Shakespeare thing. My old teacher had a wonderful expression he coined called bard-libbing, which was... Tell me about this. Yes, if you're ever on stage and you can't remember your next line, you just say things like, forsooth! Yeah. How does one? And just kind of like ramble on. In the hour, I canst imagine all the gates of heaven ooped for me.

It sounds good. Right. Until you can finally remember it. Yeah. I would like to do that. I would love to do like a mashup or a Hulk smashup, Hulk mashup of all these Shakespeare things and, you know, just like. All these Shakespeare things. You're a big Blink-182 fan. I love them. Scored by the music of Blink-182.

A Shakespeare Avengers. Shakespeare Avengers scored by the music of Blake. Blink 182. Blake 183. What a weird night at the theater that would be. But God damn it, we couldn't pull it off. Gotta make it happen. I think that would be a lot of fun to do. I have several one night only things that I want to do. Of course, there's our little shop of horrors. Of course there is. That we've been threatening people that we're going to do a night of for years. Yeah.

And then there's the Rocky versus Rambo stage. Oh, yeah. Why hasn't that happened? Well, I want to get Stallone involved. I want to get Stallone to read one of the parts. Hmm.

Is that what's holding it up? Yes, honestly. Okay. I want to get it to him. Are you ever prepared to let that go or is that a deal breaker? Is that my one condition? I think it's a deal breaker. Is that your one condition? Okay. No, it's just the time of doing it. I would love it if Stallone would do it. If we did it for charity and he were to do it and maybe Nick Kroll does the other, does either Rocky or Rambo. I mean, he seems to have a terrific sense of humor about himself. And a terrific sense of humor in general. He probably does. Probably. Probably.

I think it would be fun. Those are my top three charity one-night-only events that I want to do is Rocky vs. Rambo, Little Shop of Horrors, and the Shakespeare Avengers scored by the music of Blink-182. And if someone else can be in charge of any of these, I'll show up. Who's in the Shakespeare Avengers? Lady Macbeth. Polonius? Hamlet. Hamlet.

So you were taking like Rosengrant's Guildenstern? No, come on. The real Avengers? Are we going to do this? Okay, okay, okay. You got to have Hamlet. Got to have Hamlet. You got to have Romeo and Juliet. Yes. You got to have King Lear. Yeah.

I think Lady Macbeth over Macbeth. Yeah, you're probably right. Lady Macbeth. You got to have Bottom. Yes, absolutely. And famous power bottom, Ebenezer Scrooge. Throw him in there. Throw him in there. I like this a lot. That's a good seven. Wait, who does update? Scrooge.

Who does update? Yeah. Colin Jost? Colin Jost, yeah. No! Throw Colin Jost in there. I don't want him in there. All right. I like Colin. He's fine, but come on. Big bang bang fan. It's a bridge too far. It's a bridge too far. Um.

Who else? There must be one we're forgetting. What about one of his comedies? His comedies, the lead characters are not as well regarded as those other ones. I guess maybe Richard III would be in there. Richard III, yes. We got to get more women than Lady Macbeth and Juliet in there. Who else do we have? I guess maybe instead of... Oh, Beatrice from Taming of the Shrew.

Yeah. Yeah, she's good, right? She's a powerful lady. She's a powerful lady. Okay, put Beatrice. Is that her name, though? See, that's the thing. I believe that it is. Is she like Black Widow, though, where she's just... Where she's just what? She was barely put in there just to get, you know, like no one really knows her. Although she'll have a movie of her own. Taming of the Shrews is pretty famous. Taming of the Shrews, but Beatrice, I'm not sure that...

I mean, there are probably Shakespeare fans out there who are like, Beatrice, of course. Probably Shakespeare fans screaming at their iPods right now. But me, Beatrice doesn't like, oh, you know, like if you were to say Hamlet, everyone, you don't even need to say Shakespeare. At least the titular rule. Yeah, everyone knows who that is. If you were to say Romeo. All of the rest of these are title characters. Yeah, there's never been another Romeo, but Beatrice. There never will be. Other than Caesar Romeo. What if it was called The Taming of Beatrice? The shrew.

See, that is. And I've just called it the shrew. OK, the shrew is in there. Great. No, that is that. That's my that's been my opinion. If you want to be nominated for Emmys, if you're an actor and you want to be nominated for Emmys, better make a pretty woman your wife. You should always insist that the show be titled after your character.

Because Nurse Jackie, Dexter. Because anytime you go out there and present on the Emmys, and when I say present, I mean stick your asses out on the Emmys. Stick your red ass out there to let everyone know you're ready to mate. They always say, like, Nurse Jackie herself, Edie Falco, or TV's Dexter. Can I tell you something, though, Scott? What? This is a name that changes all the rules. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? No.

Valerie. But that was her real name, though. It was her real name, but it was also the character's name. It was Valerie Jarrett, right? She played... Yeah, Valerie Jarrett. I thought the picture was right. She had that whole career as a sitcom star before she went to work for Obama? Valerie Harper... Valerie Harper, right. ...was the star of the show that became The Hogan Family. Right. Valerie Harper had a contract dispute...

And they were like, you can't fire Valerie. Yes, I think she thought like there's this foolproof. She's like, look, this is my show. Yeah.

Boing! She's gone. The Hogan family. She's gone. Sandy Duncan is in. Sandy Duncan is in. To win. And they didn't call it Sandy. No, they didn't. They called it the Hogan family. Because, like, let that be a lesson to all of you. Aren't they calling it the Conner family, too? The Roseanne thing? The Conners, yeah. The Conners, yeah. There's a precedent. There's a precedent, but the Hogan family was canceled, like, right after... No, it was not. The Hogan family ran for a while. Did it? Yes, it did. Let's look this up. How long did the Hogan family...

We're both looking at the booth and no one's in there. Everyone's just like leaving. All right, we'll figure this out. Sam's back with a bowl of popcorn. That's what you went to go eat? Popcorn?

That's not going to be a, uh, give you a filled up stomach. What am I trying to say? That's not going to give you a filled up stomach. Let's talk about recent TV trivia. I feel like we've talked about, I dream of Jeannie and Valerie. TV trivia. Yeah. What is there a recent show that has any kind of trivia that you know? Ooh,

We talked about smash though. That's pretty recent. Um, uh, there was an episode of 60 minutes on the other night. Okay. Let's talk about the trivia. I heard that, uh, wasn't Oprah Winfrey, a 60 minutes contributor for a while, or is she still one?

Was she? I think she's like, it's like one of those things where like, I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Lady Bird Johnson. No, who am I thinking of? No, it's Lady Bird Johnson. And I'm Oprah Winfrey. Remember me? Here's what's weird. The Hogan family? Yeah. They're not listed in IMDb. I bet if I put in Valerie. Then it would. Oh, really? Is this a Mandela effect? Oh, no. Is this a Bernstein Bears? Yes.

Does everyone know it as Valerie? That is interesting. How do you IMDb this if... 1986 to 1991. 1986. 86 through 91. Five years. Six seasons. Six seasons. How many of these are Valerie seasons? How many of these are Hogan family seasons? I don't know, man. Why don't you look up the Wikipedia, not IMDb? All right, man. I'll look at the wiki.

By the way. Meanwhile, Sam is just eating popcorn, not wanting to help us at all. And no one cares about this. Just munching on popcorn like we're a movie or something. Munching on popcorn. He's behind this like large rectangular glass and we're just a movie to him and he's just eating popcorn and enjoying himself. Yeah, we are like a little movie to him. We are. The best movie. Oh.

I like the sound of that. All right. What do you got on the Hogan family? Hogan family. Originally titled Valerie and later Valerie's family. That's right. Because they did a season of just where they were grieving her. It aired on NBC from 86 to 90 and then on CBS from 90 to 91. What a tumultuous show this is. It had its ups, oomphs, downs. Hmm.

It was Valerie from 86 to 87 and Valerie's family from 87 to 88. Okay, so one year with Valerie, one year without Valerie where they didn't have Sandy Hogan, right? Sandy Duncan. Sandy Duncan. Sandy Hogan. And then what are we talking? Four years with Sandy? I guess four years with Sandy. How – I mean, what are the decisions – The people you meet in heaven. What are the decisions they're making like this concept is too good to let go?

This concept of a family. Yeah, exactly. Who was on this show that they couldn't let out of their contract? Maybe Joey. Is Joey Lawrence on this? No, Jason Bateman was on it. Jason Bateman was on it. Okay. That's when you got a Bateman. You don't want to let him out of your contract. You'll move heaven and earth. Keep that Bateman close to your heart. Keep your Batemans close. Valerie Harper, Sandy Duncan, Jason Bateman, Danny Ponce. Of course. Of course. Jeremy Licht and Josh Taylor. Who are these people?

Who are these people? Who are these people? Seinfeld. And we're back to Seinfeld. And Seinfeld is also in the Shakespeare Avengers. Of course. Seinfeld. And the soup Nazi. Yeah. Yeah, he'd be there. No soup for you. Yeah, he'd be there. He'd be there. Come on, he'd be there. He'd just be there. Maybe he's the Thanos.

So all of the Shakespeare Avengers unite. With Ebenezer Scrooge and Seinfeld. And they're defeating the soup Nazi. All scored to take off your pants and jacket. That's right. I want to do this. We got to do this, right? We got to do this. Don't we got to do this? We got to do this. Don't we got to do this? Yeah.

All right. That'll be coming up next holiday season. We'll put on a, it'll be a big, big Christmas event. All right. It'll be like, you know, like instead of PCAST. Yeah. And we'll do it at Radio City Musical. And then we'll show Pete's Dragon. Yes. As a bonus. That's not what you're paying the tickets for. No. For Pete's Dragon, but it's a good bonus. Yeah.

All right, guys, today we are counting down the episodes on our previous episode. Go back and listen to that one if you haven't heard that one. What are you doing with your life? You just want to hear the top 10? Why would you start with this? You don't want to hear 11, 12, 13, and 14? You're only cheating yourself. Come on. Go listen to those. Those were funny episodes. But on this episode, we're going to be counting down 10, 9, 8, and 7. And these are all episodes that were voted on by you, the listeners, at the end of last year.

We cut off. What am I trying to say? At the end of this year, we put up the page. Can I say, you ask me that a lot, and I never know. What am I trying to say? Yeah. I know. It's a mystery. It puts me in a bad position. Yes. I'm sorry to put you in that position, Paul. I apologize. I accept your apology on the air. The guy who apologizes for tiny microaggressions that the other person- It's great.

So you all voted on these episodes. We did about 60 episodes this year and you all voted on – we got over 36,000 votes this year. Wow. 36,000 votes. That's a lot for just – I mean considering you got to go to a website and press buttons and all that kind of stuff. That's not a bad amount. Scott, let me ask you a question. Yes, sir. Now, full disclosure, I have voted in the past in the best way. What? Yes, I have. For your own episodes? Well, obviously. Yeah.

Well, I'm not even going to try to do it. You're trying to bump your numbers. Yeah, of course. I'm allowed to. Have you ever voted in any of the best house? I have. Have I, there might've been one year where I was like, this episode was one of my favorites and I can see the results and people we've talked about the various reasons why people vote for certain episodes and why they don't vote for certain episodes. Some of it comes down to the title, but,

Uh, if a title reminds them of, of what was in the episode in the particular way that, uh, or if it reminds them of a lost love, that's right. If like, say an episode is called Jennifer Mandrell and you used to date someone named Jennifer Mandrell. That's right. I mean that you may vote for that episode. Exactly.

And you may be a redneck. Occasionally I will see an episode is not getting its due, and I may have tried to bump up the votes in the past and voted for it a few times. Maybe like about four years ago. I did not vote for any of them this year, nor I believe the previous two years. But it was an interesting insight into the man, and thank you, Scott. And I'll see you later. Wait, now you're leaving again? Gotta go out on that. There's no way I'm going to top it.

All right. Let us tarry no further. Let us get to your episode 10. Number 10. All right. Episode 10. This is episode 566, which- Again, we're in the 500s. I believe we will always be in the 500s on this countdown because- There's a lot of episodes. Episode 500 was on our previous countdown. Yeah, but- And we did about 60 episodes. Yeah, but- And we ended the year on about 577 or so. Yeah.

All right. This is 566, and this is an episode called The Calvin's Triplets. Oh, boy. The Calvin's Triplets. Let's talk about these guys. This is the third in a triptych or triptych. How does one say that? Triptych. Triptych. This is a triptych.

This is a trilogy that started several years ago. Approximately, if I had to guess, we did the first one of these six years ago or so. In a humble cabin with a dirt floor. Maybe five years ago. Two guys, Taron Killam and Paul Britton, whom you would know from Saturday Night Live. Taron has a show out there right now called Single Parents on ABC that he's in.

They were on Saturday Night Live together and they enjoyed each other's company so much they wanted to do an episode of the podcast together.

So they came. So they did. So they did. And the end. All right, let's get to that clip. No, they came and did a hilarious episode called The Calvin's Twins where they, and they didn't have anything planned. They just, I remember I said, okay, what do you guys want to do? And Taryn turned to Paul and said, I had, I was thinking about something where like people, these guys raise horses. And Paul said, okay. Okay.

And... I mean, is that what he sounds like to you? Okay. That's what he sounds like to me. It's a little... Okay, Mr. Kill'em. Oh, wow. Anything you say, Mr. Kill'em. This is demeaning. No, and those guys just riffed a hilarious episode where they were...

promoters who also owned a bee honey farm where horses punch each other to death. That's right. And they were twins, even though they had separate names, Beaver, Hopox, and Chico Hands. That's right. Collectively, they were known as the Calvin's Twins.

So they did that episode, which was really, really funny. And then last year we did it. It was a long time in between the sequel, but we were able to get them both together again. And they did another episode where the Calvin's twins returned and they brought in Ryan Gall, who is a hilarious guy that we have both worked with.

a cast member of bajillion dollar properties with you. That's right. Um, really funny guy. And he knows Taryn, uh, and Paul. And they said, Hey, can we get Ryan involved? So he came in and played Bisbee St. Hancock, uh,

who was their arch rival, who then ended up realizing at the end of that episode that he was related to them. And ergo, we now have the Calvins triplets. And of course we had to get together and do another episode. So we're going to listen to this. This is just part of the episode. This is the beginning part of the episode, pretty much. This is your episode 10. Number 10.

Welcome, guys. Ba-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-

And we brought in Petunia. Oh, Petunia's here. Petunia. Calm down there, Petunia. Easy. What a sweet, sweet little baby. She's a champion, but she's a lady. You have her dressed up as... Oh, yeah. As a stormtrooper. Like a Star Wars. From Star Wars. Not a Nazi. Not a Nazi. No, no. I don't want to paint the wrong picture for anyone. That's right. Like a Star Wars. Pure stormtrooper...

Star Wars. That's right. Yeah, so... Kids love it. They come in and you can sell it to them. You can say, would you like to ride a stormtrooper? That's right. Bisbee is a huge Star Wars fan. Is this part of your business now, is riding the horses that are going to fight later? Well, that's one thing. We have a meeting every Monday morning now at 11 p.m. And we talk about... Pre-prep.

Pre-prayer. Is that Monday morning, you say? Every Monday morning at 11 p.m. You guys have a very unusual sleep cycle. We only follow Greenwich Mean Time. We never change our clocks. That's right. We think daylight savings is a hoax. It's a hoax and a scam. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you, Chico. So, and you guys have a meeting. We think of creative things we can do to help our business thrive. Yeah, and this is one of the new ones. Hey, why aren't the kids paying to ride these horses before they knock each other to death? Right. Well, first of all, your options decrease by 50% post-fight. Pre-fight, you got the pickings. You got two options there.

because you never, you never ride a horse like more than 20 minutes out from fight. That's true. Because as soon as you ride a horse and it's before 20 minutes before they're in fighting mode, they just become a riding horse. They're just a riding horse at that point. They're not a fighting horse. That's right. But if you were in that 20 minute window where

With that horse you've been training and breeding and prepping for the fight, they'll hold on to that. Their brains can't fully form and go like, oh, wait, maybe riding's what we're supposed to be doing. That's right. Horse never forgets. Does it cause any sort of... Within 20 minutes of a fight.

Right, then they do forget. Then after the 20-minute marker, they definitely forget what's the premise of what I was explaining. But never forgets. But never forgets. You guys got to get on the same page on one of your Monday morning meetings at 11 p.m. This is why they take so long. That's true. But we set up some horses with all sorts of different costumes. Different themes. You name it, we can have a horse ready for you if you call ahead. Because Chico's a hell of a seamstress.

I have been showing and assuming since I was a young boy.

You've been doing what with semen? Semen. It's a verb. Yeah, I heard you. It's what a person does when they're making seams. Do you call that semen? Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. So you've been making semen how long? So I've been, you know, making- Since you were 13 or so? Since a young boy. He was a veteran. I've been semen with my hands since I was a tween. Yeah. That's right. A twink. I said tween. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Get that twink off your brain. Sorry, I don't know what I was saying. Get that twink off your brain. Our mother was so proud because he was the first to be semen. Poor mama, God rest her soul. God rest her soul. Who...

Bisbee. Bisbee. We discovered. Did you do a 23andMe? We did a 3andMe. We did a 3andMe. It was just the three of us. It was a little cheaper. Did you guys semen into anything? We did. Chico made us gorgeous suits, and he was semen all over us. That's right.

We went in because we did it in a doctor's office. We went straight to the source, a blood test to source. Was there anything on your face or on your chest? Oh, we did these wonderful hoods. He was seaming like a chin. The seaming he did was at our chin, and it went straight to the crown of our head. The seaming that he did around the crown of our head was just people. We were walking down the street, and they'd be like,

That's some good semen. They got some good semen on their heads. It was great semen. It almost came right down along the cheeks. That's right. Down the chin. Like a gambit hood of semen. Like a gambit hood of semen. A gambit from X-Men. And by the way, Chico. Is that the official what you call like a murder of crows? Exactly. It's like a gambit hood of semen. Oh, man, that was a gambit hood of semen. And I look divine.

And so you found out you are officially, last time you were on the show, we didn't know if you had the same mother. Yeah. Right. So you do have the same mother. And what did she used to, she was very proud, you were saying, of Chico over here? Of Chico, because he was such an early seamaner. Yeah. I was tapped.

at a young age to sew together all sorts of costumes for the Halloweens and other pagan holidays. None of the Christian holidays? No, none of the Christian holidays. Are you guys not religious? I don't think that's ever come up here. Yes, we pray every... Yeah, I was going to say you pray, but to different gods. Different gods. Right. And a different god every day of the week. Right. Polytheologists. Cover your bases? That's a baseball term. I don't know if you guys follow sports. Of course we do. Of course. Of course we do. We are.

We are. We're sportsmen ourselves. We are the premier horsemen in all of the Florida Panhandle horse fighting divisions. But wait, do you guys also have like a horse baseball league? We have a softball league. Softball, sorry. There's only three of us. It's co-ed. It's recreational. That's right. But there's three of you. You guys are all. We have some horses play with us. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Is that what Petunia's doing here today? Is Petunia a fighting horse or a softball horse? Petunia's a champion. Petunia, Petunia, Petunia. Oh, she's getting humble. She's getting humble. Turning her face in the corner. Petunia, Petunia, you look at Scott Lee. You look at Scott Lee. Oh, okay, she's looking right at me. Have a granola bar, Petunia. Have a kind bar. Calm down now.

So the business is good. Your business is horse fighting and sometimes riding and sometimes softball, and business is good. Business is booming. You've rebranded. Kukluman, ship shuman, make more rumen because we're bringing the booming. Oh, here comes the booming. Oh, thank you. Oh, my gosh. Look at this. That's been there now. Of course, Chico, semen, that whole thing. Okay, I don't think I will. Put it on, Scotland. Courtesy of Chico and semen.

That is curtsy Chico Chim. Oh, that's fine semen he did. This goes perfectly on my tits. Yeah! It's a half shirt. Just a little half shirt. That's right. A little half shirt, the bottom, so you just got semen all along your man tits. But that semen does not touch your stomach.

No. And we're very particular about that. So thank you for this. Good underboob. Yeah, last time you were here. That's great underboob. I've not been complimented on that. Scott Lee, I've seen a lot of hosts underboobs. Wait, you're doing other shows? Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Your business has gotten so popular, you're doing other shows. We're on a press tour right now. Really? A junket. Okay, so what are you here to promote then? I mean, obviously you brought Petunia here.

There must be something really sensational going on in your careers. This is exciting. I mean, last time you guys were going to have a horse off. You guys were fighting. We didn't even know you were related. Now we know you're related and business is great. So what are you promoting? Well, here's the thing, Scott Lee, is as you know, we've put our lives into horse fighting. I do know that. Into our careers. Our lives have been devoted to it. Into our professions. Right.

And as we've said, we've expanded. We've branded. We've left-handed. We've pan-panded. We've bajambed. Mm. And we've kind of become celebrities in our own right. That's right. That's true. Oh, okay. We got that big dick energy. Mm.

From the horse fighting circuit, and people want to know all about us. Okay. We're a trio of swamp donkeys, if you know what I mean. No, I don't. Should I Google that? Hung like a swamp donkey? You've never heard that. I've never. Swamp donkeys have just ridiculously huge, flashy. I'm going to put it in quotes. Yeah, nothing is coming out of here. You got to bang it, baby. Oh, but look, it does say, did you mean pick and book it?

Oh, just because that was your last search. That was my last one, yeah. They're wondering if I meant the other thing that has, yeah. We got offered a juice box commercial. What? That's right. Really? Okay, and as...

I'm sorry? Motts. Motts. Oh, like the applesauce? Yeah. Not just applesauce. They do a cranberry apple, a raspberry apple. They don't just do applesauce. They do motts. They do motts juice. In fact, they started with motts. They do matzo applesauce. Okay. So they do matzo applesauce. So did you take the commercial? Well, those are the sides that we've been faxed. We're practicing our sides. Oh, okay. We got an audition for it. Oh.

Oh, yes. Maybe we were lying a second ago. We submitted for an audition. You submitted. I remember the last time you were here, you guys went to a lot of auditions, I believe. That's right. We've auditioned for hundreds and hundreds of different movies. Juicebox commercials. Juicebox commercials, TV shows. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Our agent told us that we had to categorize ourselves something specific. So it was like, are you a film actor? Are you a TV actor? We said juice box. Okay. So can. So we checked that box. I love that. A juice. What did this audition? How did it go? What was it like? What did you have to do for the audition? Shall we do it for him? Well, sure. Sure. Obviously, you'd have to imagine. I.

I am on top of my brother's shoulders with a gigantic trench coat. Because as I recall, you have trouble with the words, is that what it is? And you better have to whisper up to him. That's right. And as you re-see what tiny man as it is. You're tiny man. And when the breakdown came out, it said this is a two-hander.

That's right. They absolutely refuse to see more or less. Yeah, sometimes they'll do that in an audition and specify how many hands a person has. That's right. And so they were looking for one person with two hands. Correct. And I'm Chico hands. And you're Chico hands. So you just thought, hey, this is where I live. This is meant for me. But if you listened last time, you have no interest ever in acting. I remember saying that, Scott. But you want to support Chico by feeding him the lines. When your brother...

And partner in crime and business cohort. Have a dream. Oh, yeah. Oh, Scott Lee. You haven't been reading the research. Oh, no. Did something happen over the last year? Well, we don't want to. Allegedly. Allegedly things happen. There's no proof, but we have been accused.

Okay, well, it seems like it would be an open and shut case if there's zero proof. Let's just say that a Russian oligarch... Well, also, Chico's got some loose lips, too. Oh, okay. Chico, you been telling people about this? I maybe might have whispered something while I was falling asleep after praying to my god, Poseidon. That might have happened.

You whispered to whom? Was it someone with you? Whomever I had dialed on the telephone. Allegedly. Wait, are you after you... Oops. Wait, so you... Let me see if I can figure this out, this story out. If anybody can, it's you, Scott. Thank you so much, Beverly. Did you have a guilty conscience and you called 911 on yourself and your family? Maybe. And what exactly happened?

Well, there was an officer who came over to... No, I know what happens when... I mean, what did you actually do? I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking about these... Well, the horse is out of the stable, Chico. Go ahead. This is a safe. Scotley is a friend of the family. Sure. Which horse was out of what stable? Let's just say... Cinnamon was out of the East Stable. Cinnamon had gotten out of the stable. Okay. That's not illegal right there. What might have happened...

And we do have a saying, when cinnamon's out of the stable, bad news for everyone. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Okay, I'm going to Google that. That's absolutely not coming up. Mama's favorite apron. I was like 5% through that. Oh, gee. Yeah.

That's all right. It's 20 times longer. Wow. So far I've heard nothing illegal, Chico. Yes. Well, what happened was a wealthy Russian man contacted us about horse fighting. Some sort of oligarch? Yes, I think it was an oligarch. Okay.

And wanted to inquire about perhaps franchising... Going international. A horse fighting arena... Really? So would this be... In Moscow. ...purely a licensing deal, putting your name onto something? Or did they want you to come out and develop it and build it from the ground up? It would have been a licensing deal. That's right. We trusted this man. Why did you trust this man? Very rich. Well, you know what they say, when you're with oligarching, you're family. Right.

I had no idea. So this Russian person came out. So, so far, Cinnamon is out of the stable. And Russian man came out. You know what they say, when Cinnamon gets out of the stable. Yeah, I've heard about this. That's trouble. And that's what I'm trying to tell you. 5%. Continue. So put on your hat. Get ready to look for him. Because if you don't find him. 10%.

There's trouble in the horizon, and the horizon isn't just for everyone's eyes. 15. 15, yep. It's a trip to Downsville. 20. And if you go downtown, you're going to find other people who are looking for trouble. 25. Hold on. All right. Mix it with Cinnamon, who's looking for trouble, and you got a tornado of trouble. 30.

Now... Get to a third. Get a third of the way through the same. Now, also...

33 and a third. Okay. 33 and a third. 33.33 repeating. The mountains are after the horizon. Five. 35. 35. And they're looking at you like, hey, I didn't ask for this. 40. And then, but you say, I didn't let them out of the stable. 45. But the stable wasn't locked, says everyone.

Well, the stable wasn't latched is how it goes. You got halfway done. Start over. Start over. I don't think we have time. Start over. This is going to be the entire show. You didn't even get halfway through. The stable gets latched. I'm just telling you what they're saying. Right, yeah. This is on your mother's apron. It was latched. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful scene. All over our mother's apron.

Embroidered and seamed by my little brother. Finest semen on a mother's apron you could ever ask for. Number 10. Whew. I mean. Funny stuff. Do they all know each other from Groundlings?

I can't – I don't know where Taryn knows Ryan from. I thought it was from Groundlings. It might be from Groundlings. Yeah, I know that Ryan was in Taryn's – Because they knew each other before that movie, right? Yeah. Ryan was in Taryn's movie that they directed. But, I mean, they did – yeah, they've known each other for a while, I think. I think from Groundlings. But, yeah. We'll never know for sure. They're really funny together. Scott, I'd like to introduce a new –

tradition here on The Best Ofs. Can I just say one fact about the previous clip before we do that? Okay. You have to listen to the rest of that episode. That was just pretty much the beginning. Eventually, Chico gets married to the Russian oligarch's daughter, Marinka, in that episode. And we make a lot of side bets, a lot of really funny stuff happening in that episode. All right, Paul, do you want to start this new tradition now or after the break? That was a good fact. Let me start it right now, before the break. All right, here we go. I'd like to read...

The call sheet order for bajillion dollar properties. Okay.

You know how interested I am in call sheets. Now, call sheets, if you don't know what these are, this is the bit of information that goes out to every person working on the crew and every actor to let you know what is happening the next day. And the actors are listed in order of importance to the production. That's correct. So when you have a show like I did, you're number one on the call sheet for the entire time.

So on bajillion dollar properties, this is no different. This is the way we did things. No different than any – why would you do something different for a show like bajillion dollar properties? Exactly.

Eighth most important. Eighth most important. Eugene Cordero. Okay, well, he was not one of the original cast members. That's right. He came in a little later, so I understand that. That's right. Seventh most important. Okay, this is where we get down to it. Dan Adut. Why? Sixth most important. You'd think they would go in alphabetical order. You'd think, but they sure didn't. Maybe reverse alphabetical order. No, they went in order of importance. Sixth most important, Ryan Gall. He's number six. Sixth.

Fifth most important, Drew Tarver. Wow. Incredible. Incredible. He's probably number one on the call sheet for his new television show, which comes out on Comedy Central next year. Fourth most important, Mandel Mon. Really? Yeah. Okay. Third most important, Tim Baltz. Huh. Okay. Okay.

Second most important. Okay, we only have two left. Yeah, and I believe, okay, I think I know who this will be. Tawny Newsome. Tawny Newsome, number two. Congratulations to her. And most important.

Paul F. Tompkins. Number one on the call sheet. Number one on the call sheet. Number one in our hearts. Number one with a bullet. Now, what's interesting to me about this call sheet is, of course, you were going to be number one because you're the boss. You have the most experience and you were the person hired to anchor the show. So, of course, you have to be number one. But the other six were hired as equals. So I wonder who...

Just who made that order? Because it certainly was not me. I'm curious about it myself. I don't think it was cool up. It probably was random, but why wouldn't they do it in some sort of alphabetical manner? Could it be the order in which people were hired? No, because I believe Dan was hired first. Wow. And the first shall be last. Scripture tells us. Maybe that's, oh, that might've been it. Maybe it was in the reverse order in which they were hired. Yeah.

So they were like, they knew how many people they had. Right. And they kept saying, okay, he's in. Why wouldn't they pick Dan number two? We'll build the pyramid on his back. That's hilarious to me. Poor Dan. I think I was hired last. You were hired last, but you were the.

you were the anchor of the show. Exactly. Congratulations to you. And I do believe that at our household yesterday, we received a package in which that call sheet was put into a Christmas ornament. That's correct. So, and... The bajillion dollar call sheet has been the subject of much discussion over the years. Has it really? Between the actors? It's a reference. It's a frequent reference. And so I gifted everyone with an ornament.

of the call sheet. It has a magnet. It has a prominent place. Oh really? You can turn the ornament into a magnet? There was also a magnet in the package. Oh, there was. Okay. Throw it away. No, I didn't open the package. All I knew was I saw Ryan Gall had put up an Instagram of it. That's correct. And so when Kulop, I saw the package was from you. I knew what it was. And then Kulop opened it, started laughing, put it on the tree, but I did not see the magnet. Delighted that it was on the tree. The magnet was in the box as well. Okay. I hope,

I pray. I will bring it up to her when I get home. Oh, my sincere hope is that you find that magnet. I believe that ornament is right next to our freedom ornament, which you also made for Lauren and I and gave to us last week. I like to make ornaments for people. That's fine. I didn't know that you could. Well, I just send away to a place. Yeah, but I didn't think that you had the ability to do that. I don't. I made my assistant do it. Good for you.

That's what they're for. All right, look, let's go to a break. A wonderful tradition. You're saying this is a tradition that we're going to do every best of now? Yeah. Is read the order of that call sheet? Yes. I'm in. Great. I think that you're thinking of a Simpsons episode, though, not bajillion dollar properties. All right. Let's go to a break. When we come back, we will go through to the other side. We will die and go to heaven. We'll be right back.

This holiday season, Earwolf wants to spread...

Some cheer. That's right. Cheer Wolf, if you will. We've got special episodes all over the network just for you. Who do we got? We got Andrew T. and Tawny Newsome talk to Kulab Vilaysak about holiday racism. That's fun on Yo! Is This Racist. On Unspooled, take a deep dive into AFI's favorite Christmas movie, It's a Wonderful Life. Off Book has not one, not two, but three holiday-themed musicals for you to indulge in.

Surprise! All the special holiday episodes with special guests are out from behind the paywall as a gift to you. You can also check out a very special Improv for Humans episode, Best of the Bible.

On my other show, Are You Talking R.E.M. ReMe, The Scotts, me and Adam Scott talk about every R.E.M. holiday single released and, of course, nothing else. Sean and Hayes hit the slopes with Adam Pally on a very festive episode of Hollywood Handbook. On Beautiful Anonymous, Chris Gethard is taking calls for New Year's resolutions from you. Tune in on Earwolf's Facebook page.

Marissa and Lister get a special listener call in with a heartfelt proposal on Womp It Up, followed by the Christmas womptacular released from behind the paywall. And if that's not enough, check out even more special holiday eps from How Did This Get Made, Getting Curious, Who Charted, and Threedom. Happy holidays, happy listening, and a merry Cheer Wolf to all. We are here. This is the Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2018 episode.

Number two. Part two. Part two of four. Remember when Hot Shots made a second movie and they said instead of calling it part two, let's call it part duh. Because that's not people don't do that. Duh. Right. I think you could also take it that way. Yeah. So they were having fun and we're having fun. That was a lot of fun. I did like the Hot Shots movies when I saw them.

Um, I don't remember much about them. I remember I went to one of them with my mother and we saw it at the Cypress Cinema and we laughed. I always enjoyed that going to a movie. And laughing? And laughing with my mother. We would occasionally go to movies together and I remember a couple of instances where we just had a really good time.

Three Amigos was one, and I had seen it already. I went to a... I feel like it was...

a screening before it came out. Is that even possible? I don't know, but I do go to the premiere of three. No, Paul, of course I did not go to the premiere. Heaven forbid precocious child, but I saw it. I remember the night I saw it, two things of interest happened. I went with my, my school, my, my school. This is a school trip. You know, guys, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm drunk. Well, let's go to the movies. Three. We're in. I went, I went with my friend from school.

And he drove, I believe he had a Mustang, as I recall. Oh, shit. Like an old, like 60s Mustang. Yeah, man. And we, first of all, we watched Three Amigos and the reels were out of order. This is before films were projected digitally. I've heard you talk about this story. So the reels were out of order and I, at a certain point in the movie, started thinking like,

this feels like I've missed something, but it's the jokes are, it's a pretty random movie. So I was like, maybe not, maybe I'm just not getting something. And then, then midway through that feeling, suddenly, uh,

They switched reels and started another reel of the film, and it went backwards in time. I was like, oh, I understand. They mixed up the reels on this movie. Someone's incompetent. Still just as funny, though, and I loved it. So I took – I told my mom, oh, my God. You took your best gal out to the movies. I saw the funniest movie. We got to go see it again. Saw Three Amigos. Hot Shots was another one. And then I also remember I went to Paul Blart Mall Cop with my dad.

And we laughed ourselves silly during that. One of my fondest memories about my dad, who was a very reserved person, was we used to watch SCTV together. Really? Late at night on Saturdays? Yeah, the Friday night ones that were like 1230 at night and were 90 minutes long. Wow. And I remember sitting in the kitchen with him watching on this little TV. Well, someone was in the kitchen. I know. Yeah.

So you would sit in the, and the TV was in the kitchen. There was like a little TV in the kitchen. Were you on stools or, or, or how are you sitting? No, we have like a little kitchen table. Kitchen table. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it.

And that's where all TV was watched in your home? No. We had a big TV in the living room. So why are you not watching it in the living room? Because it was late at night, and I think my mom was asleep. Didn't want to keep people up. Yes, yes, yes. So watch it on the tinier TV. Yes, which is further away from where people were. Got it, got it. And we would watch the show and laugh, like that kind of laugh where you look at the other person. Right. Because you can't believe how funny it is. Interesting. And you have to check in with each other. What was your favorite SCTV moment, if you can recall?

Oh my God. I, I don't know that. I don't know if I could pick one. I love that show so much. And I got, I got it on DVD and was afraid it wasn't going to hold up and it held up.

It was even funnier to me. I have to do a big rewatch of all of those because – I would like to rewatch them. I have the – And Kids in the Hall too. I would like to rewatch. Yeah. Well, now Kids in the Hall is – they have the complete set out there. SCTV, it's harder to get because they only have sporadic episodes out there on DVD. Well, Rhino did a big reissue. But I think they only did the NBC ones.

I think the ones previous to that are not available, unfortunately. But there's a lot of the NBC ones. Yeah. Those really old ones that I remember they used to run on PBS. Yeah. I haven't seen any of that stuff in a really long time. Yeah. Maybe they're on YouTube. I found that a lot. Yeah. I'd like to see some of that stuff. Like Harold Ramis was a featured performer. Yeah. I would love to be in adjoining rooms with you watching those. That would be fun. I would love to be in adjoining kitchens.

Why don't we go to the Museum of Television and of Tolerance. You watch SCTV in one, in the kitchen of one, and I'll watch in the kitchen of the other. You go to the Museum of Television, I'll go to the Museum of Tolerance. Listen, me and my buddy are doing this. I want to watch SCTV in your kitchen. You have a kitchen somewhere, I'm sure, like a break room. Of course they have a kitchen. I'm not going to disturb anyone. I'm going to watch it in the kitchen. Yes, of course.

The greatest is the Museum of Tolerance. You're like, oh, how intolerant of you that you would not let me do this. To not let me do this. Yeah. Those jerks over there at the Museum of Tolerance. I hate them. I hate them so much. I hate you. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah. Back. You. Back. Museum of Tolerance. Back. Yeah. Well, speaking of fuck you. Fuck.

Let us do the opposite to our listeners and treat them with another one of our clips. I was afraid you weren't going to be able to pull that one out. I know. But you did it. It takes me a while. But here we go. This is your episode nine. Number nine. Ah, Nagada. Ah, Nagada. Ah, Nagada. R.I.P. R.I.P. I think...

In one of these clips we talk about that? I'm not sure. I hope so. I definitely listened to it. It's in one of the episodes. But not this one because this is episode 572. So six... Still in the 500s. We always will be. Six weeks or so after... That's a weird coincidence. Six weeks or so after our previous clip, 566, this is an episode called Changerous. And the parties...

are two people by the name of Jason Manzoukas and Paul F. Tompkins. And it was a party. It truly was. Do you remember this episode, Paul? I remember that it asked the question, what if Michael Jackson had put out an album called Changerous? Yes. And we never got an answer. We never did. To that what if. That is the first part of this episode. Now, this is quite often Jason will...

say to me like, Hey man. Uh, Oh wait, that's Paul. No, he'll say like, Hey, uh, I can't, I can't lock into it. Who was the first person? Paul Scheer. Hey man. Okay. Not me. Hey, Hey, um, Hey, how's it going? Uh,

Oh, yeah, definitely. This is more like Jason. Oh, yeah. He'll say to me, hey, I want to do some episodes. We should do one with you, me and Paul. I'd love to do one with Mary and Darcy. We heard that on the previous Best Of. And this was one where he said the three of us have to do an episode together. And this one was a lot of fun. This was just from a couple of months ago. Yeah.

And what happens previous to this clip is, Paul, you are playing Buttonwillow McKittrick. That's right. And how did you get the name for Buttonwillow McKittrick? That is a sign on the highway here in California. I think if you're going up north.

You will see this sign for two different places. One is Buttonwillow. One is McKittrick. And one is McKittrick, and they're underneath each other? Yes. Not each other. McKittrick is underneath Buttonwillow. From the very first time I saw that, it seemed like a name to me. And then. Seemed like a name to me. Come to find out.

It has been used as a character name several times in several different things. Oh, really? Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That happened to me with my old movie, Canaan Roads, which is if you go north on the 405 or the 101 or whatever it is. If you're heading to Malibu. Yeah, heading to Malibu, there's Canaan Road. And when I saw that, I was like, oh, that's a good name, Canaan Roads. It is a good name. So I called the lead character and a movie that I wrote Canaan.

Back in the day, co-wrote back in the day, Canaan Roads has not been produced. Almost got produced. Very close. Got a green light at one point. I thought you were going to say somebody else used the name. No, no one's used the name. Please don't use the name. You should not have said that. But you've mailed the script to yourself, so you're in the clear. I am, of course. Now, so Buttonwheel McKittrick, describe Buttonwheel McKittrick, if you will. He's from another planet and the future. Yes, from the future and another planet. The planet's name is Earth. Earth. Earth.

Yeah. Right. Yes, that's right. It's Earth with an extra T in it, I think. Right, something like that. And you're basically based on Mr. Mixleplick? Kind of, yeah. That and The Great Gazoo. Who's The Great Gazoo again? He was the – The Flintstones, which was a cartoon about cavemen that was based on the Honeymooners. Right, right.

At some point... What if the Honeymooners were in prehistoric times? Yes. And we could just rip them off. Yeah. And no one cared. At some point late in their run, they added a space alien. What? Called the Great Gazoo. In order to lure children into... I have no... Yeah, because kids were on board. Yeah.

With this cartoon. With Flintstone. Well, I mean, that would happen sometimes with cartoons like Saturday morning cartoons where they would try to add an element in order to like freshen it up. Or I remember Scrappy Doo was one of those. Yes. Where it was like kids need someone to relate to. So let's put in a kid. They're taking that from sitcoms, which, you know, running. And also Batman and Robin. Robin was added because they were like. Oh.

Oh, yeah. These kids who read Batman are not relating to this elderly, wealthy, elderly, wealthy socialite. But I mean, why? Did kids want to relate to anyone in Batman? I didn't fucking care. No, I wanted to relate to Batman. That's the thing. I hated Scrappy-Doo. Yeah. I hated Godzuki. Yeah, yeah. I hated Robin. Yeah.

Because you don't want to – they think that it's the wish fulfillment aspect of it of like, oh, how cool that would be to be Robin. Yeah. No one cares about being Robin. They want to be Batman. He's not cool. They want to be Batman. Yes. He's not cool. They want to be Batman. They want to be Batman.

So, but there was also a great cause like, like cousin Oliver. Yes. On the Brady bunch. They're like, let's add a, let's add a kid. These kids aren't cute anymore. We got to throw it. They're going through pubes. They've grown pubes. They've grown pubes. These kids grown pubes. They've grown pubes. Let's get a kid without pubes. I don't give a bitch.

Obviously, you can tell I'm doing a Donald Trump impression. It's Alec Baldwin's Pitch Perfect Donald Trump impression. That he did in all three Pitch Perfect movies. That's right. Why did he do that? It was bookended by him. I don't know why. Hey, welcome to Pitch Perfect 1. Let me tell you a story.

Better put your clothes on and sing. So the Great Gazoo was the space alien voiced by Harvey Korman. Oh. Who was observing. I love Harvey Korman. He was observing these guys, and he called them dum-dums all the time. He would never interact with them? Yeah, he would, with Fred and Barney. Okay. They were the only ones who could see him because he could make his bells disappear. Okay. And he called them dum-dums all the time.

Great. Dub-dubs. Okay, I wonder where the dum-dums part of it came from. Yeah. So before this clip that we're going to hear, we've established you are Button Willow McKittrick. This is established. And you have established that there is a science prophecy in which the Earth is in grave danger unless Jason Manzoukas and I do something. I can't recall what it is.

And we are going to hear this clip. By the way, I think previously to this clip also it's been established that my nickname is Skittles for some reason. And so when someone says Skittles, you'll know that that's a name that you and Jason were calling me during this episode. Let's hear it. This is your episode nine. Number nine. I'm glad we got here and I would like to begin. All right. What side are you taking? The Godfather. Beats Queen?

Beats Queen. Okay. Make your case, Earthling. I'm choosing to interpret this as the movie The Godfather. Versus the movie The Queen? Yes. Okay. Okay.

Now, The Queen, sure, a great movie. That was The Queen. The Queen, yeah. And it was Godfather. Yes. So we said Godfather beats Queen. That's right. But on Earth. Oh, I see. So you're saying in the vernacular. I'm not allowed to. No, on Earth in the vernacular, if you're talking about a movie, you're like, hey, did you see Godfather last night or did you see Queen last night? It happens all the time. Now, hold on a second. What?

I'll grant you the first one. Yeah, but the second one I agree is... It's a stretch. No one ever referred to the queen as queen. So here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to choose... Well, here's what I'm going to say. What about godfather versus the band queen? That's what I was going to say. You can... Then why did I say that? I'm choosing the godfather, right? What about godfather's pizza? You can interpret queen however you want, I think. Okay. Right? It's up to interpretation. So you're...

Is this what the argument is? First, make this case to me. Okay. Not to him. Is this a sidebar? I'm choosing to- We're in chambers. Your Honor, can I approach the bench? Please. I'll allow it.

I would like to take the point of view in favor of The Godfather, and I will speak to the movie The Godfather. However Scott would like to interpret the concept of queen is up to him. He can do the queen of soul, Aretha Franklin. He can do queen the band. He can do the concept of queen, the queen of England, or any queen, like the monarchy queen, like anything.

That's the argument I think. I don't know. What do you think? So noted. I wanted to do a gavel thing, but I don't have anything handy. You have a phone next to you. Just bang that on the table. Great idea. Classic Skittles.

Then it will be your interpretation of Godfather versus your, thank you, versus your interpretation of Queen. All right. And we're saying why it beats the other person's. I think so. Okay. You make the case for the superiority. Yeah. I think the Godfather is just a- Godfather. Yeah.

If we're going to do this, let's do it. I think Godfather is a superior film that has affected and impacted cultural understandings of family, of taking one's own life into one's hands to protect your family and forward their dominance. Much the way a queen could also do. A queen? Queen.

Everything is riding on this. Godfather has performances that are exceptional. It almost destroyed Francis Ford Coppola's life. That's good. Here's what I want to say. You'll have your time. Here's what I want to say. Apologies, Ron. Silence, Skittles. Here's what I want to say. There is no doubt in my mind.

that Godfather is for everybody to take into consideration is a superior thing in their life. Be it the movie, be it the pizza chain, be it the James Brown Godfather of Soul, be it any of those interpretations, it is because the concept of Godfather is

is someone who looks out for you in your time of need. Someone who shepherds you forward when your parents die. Objection. Someone who is responsible. Objection. Leading the witness. Someone who is responsible. I want to see where this is going. Someone who is responsible for your spiritual well-being.

Well-being as well as your physical well-being should you find yourself in trouble. That is the job of Godfather. And as such, I believe it is an invaluable position societally. Like our society is built on Godfathers, not queens. I rest my case, Your Honor. Well stated, stupid. Skittles. If you call me Skittles, I don't know whether I want to do this.

You know what that is? It sounds like sour Skittles. No. I'm sweet Skittles. Do they make those? If I have to be Skittles, I'm sweet Skittles. Oh, yeah, they make sour Skittles. Oh, I want that. Oh, really? There's a couple right here on the table. Excuse me, this is my time. Yes, please. You may proceed. Your Honor, we're all familiar with the concept of queen. Be it the band queen, Freddie Mercury, Brian May,

Keep going. Professor and Mariette. Whether it be... Can you name one more member of Queen, do you think? Roger Taylor. Okay. How about that? Great. Why did you leave him out then? And a little bass head. A little bassy guy. But we also have the movie... Was there a Roger Taylor in Queen and in Duran Duran? Yes. Can you believe it? Weird. And I believe they played the same instrument. The drums. The drums.

We also have the... We also... Queen is the most powerful player on the chessboard. It can move in any direction as far as it wants. Sure, king is the one that we all want to capture, but queen is the one where if you lose queen...

You've lost the game. No, you haven't. You've only lost Queen. Objection, Your Honor. If you lose Queen, you've not lost the game. If you lose King, you lose the game. Overruled, he is metaphorically speaking. But that, you can't use metaphor. He said overruled! That's enough out of you. Please, Skittles.

Now, we all know Godfather is a wonderful film. I'm not arguing that. 1972, a wonderful classic starring Pacino in his iconic career-defining role in Till Scent of a Woman. That's right. Pre-yelling. Hoo-ah. Hoo-ah. He did not say hoo-ah in Godfather. That's a mark against it, I have to say. Queen is so powerful. I think you are forgetting about the scene where he says Fredo.

You never speak against the family. Your Honor. Your Honor. Am I going to be able to make my case? Objection. Without interruption? Objection overruled. I'm going to ask you, Menzoukas, to zip it. Strong words. But I appreciate it, Your Honor. Thank you very much. You got it, Skittles. After all, Godfather is a wonderful film, 1972. But what happened in 1974? Godfather Part 2.

And as every film historian will tell you, Godfather Part 2 is superior to Godfather. So something has already beaten Godfather. So Godfather is not the most powerful player upon the board. But what about the sequel to Queen? Queen with Adam Lambert. Not as good. No.

So ergo, Queen is the best and Godfather is not the best. Ergo, Queen beats Godfather. I rest my case, Your Honor. Is anybody? I was going to say silence. No one's talking. Okay.

First of all, I want to say thank you for your impassioned cases that you've made. Can I say, Your Honor, you're welcome? Okay, Skittles, you're pushing it. My question, just as a point of procedure here is— Have you ever seen anything involving a courtroom? What leads you to believe that this is the time we're all just going to chit-chat? I'm clearly making a pronouncement. Oh, that's what I—okay. Okay, got it, got it, got it. You earthlings have given me much to think about, and as much as—

You have both made wonderful cases, compelling cases and impassioned cases for your cause. I do have a ruling. It can only go one way. Wait a second.

Wait a second. Skittles, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. Can we... Sidebar? Can we have a moment? Can we recess for approximately 120 seconds? A sidebar where it's just the two of you? We just want to recess. That's not usually how we do things, but okay. I'll allow it. Why are we... But watch yourselves, Guts. Thank you. But why are we letting this time-traveling alien decide our fate?

Right? Yeah. What is he in charge of us? Because obviously we hurt each other. We are friends. We're friends. And we agree, even though we both said what we believe, that I am right. No. Wait. Obviously not. You still think you're right. No, I definitely made a better case. No, I made a better case. You were so close to contempt twice. No. Listen. Okay. You know what? Hey. Are you fucking kidding me?

We got to get the people of this planet. We got to, we have to do like an independence day kind of thing. We got to get the, where we all band together. I thought we had an agreement and we forced this little tiny motherfucker out of here. Let's get him in a shoe and kill him. This is exactly what the problem is. This is what I think we need to do.

Put it to a vote. You sneak up behind him. Put it to a vote. People can either support me or they can support you. That's what will bring our planet together. You hold him by the two coats and I'll just take a knife. If we want to subvert the prophecy, the science prophecy, we get people to say I'm with Scott or I'm with Jason and that's what's up. So you sneak up behind him. I'm growing impatient. Okay. Are you done with your little... Yes. We're done. Yes. Recess is over.

All right. I'm ready to give my ruling. Skittles. Your Honor. I don't know where that guy went, but okay. Keep looking at me, though. I will. Because I really want to hear this ruling. I will. Godfather. It is an extremely important touchstone for you Earthlings. It, in many ways, in all the interpretations, Godfather of Soul, Godfather of the Movie, Godfather Pizza, Godfather, the guy who looks out for you and your spiritual well-being. Sure. Important. Queen. Queen.

All of the reasons that you cited, they all check out. I was especially moved by your Queen sequel argument. Holy shit, I'm going to win. Mostly, what I got to say is, religion is bullshit. Queen beats Godfather. What? It is so ordered. I demand an uprising. Look behind you. He's behind you. What? Hey, what are you doing? I got you. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. No, no, I won. Get him in the bag. No, I won. I won. Ha, ha.

Holy shit! No! I won! I demand an uprising. People, if you support me, if you support the Godfather, rise up against the monarchy! Rise up! What is that? We will find his ship! Oh, he's dying! We will go to Earth, and we will destroy them! I've never seen anything killed before! Number 9! Oh, a good episode, if I say so myself. I was, uh, I'm very surprised that this is in the top, uh,

Are you? Yeah. This is the – that we just heard the Godfather versus Queen debate. Which – now, this is one of the few episodes in all my years of guesting on this show where I went in with literally nothing. Did you – I had absolutely no – I forgot that it was happening. Yes. I forgot. It was a Saturday record and I – I don't think it was a Saturday. It was a Saturday. Was it? I'm going to look. And I had not written it in my calendar. Oh.

We had talked about it on text, but I'd never put it in my calendar. I completely forgot. And so I woke up and got a text from you asking if I was on my way. Yeah. Sometimes if it's like 10, sometimes we wait as long as 15 minutes. You're right. We recorded this on September 29th, which was a Saturday. Yeah, I knew I was right, but thanks. Okay. At 2 p.m.

Yeah. 2 p.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had totally forgotten about it. And I think I'd been up way late the night before for some reason. I don't know if I was working or if I was just like – Red Dead Redemption 2. Maybe Red Dead Redemption 2. And so rushed over there. I might have just been like – had been awake for hours and completely forgotten about it. I think you had completely forgotten about it and you – but what's great about you, Paul, is as I said –

Hey, are you on your way? And you were like, no, I forgot about it, but I'll be right there. And you were over in 15 minutes. Yeah. And luckily I don't live that far. Right. And I just had no idea what to do. And I knew I wanted to do something new, but I didn't have anything. And I really did. I looked at my phone. I keep a list of potential character names, um,

And I saw that and I was like, I'll do something with this. I'll figure it out. Great. So Buttonwheel McKittrick was born and you said you were surprised to hear it on the episode, but I think the – Because it didn't feel – honestly, it did not feel that good at the time. I think because I was so unprepared. But the thing that I was so glad that we got at was the concept of –

of that debate of does queen beat Godfather queen B. Yeah, I can't, I don't even think we played it in the clip of how we got into it, but do you remember why we, I can't remember. No, I can't. Why, why it was very fun to debate the merits of queen versus Godfather. There were so many things, everything that happened was, was, you know, an accident and, you know, just grabbing onto a thing that, that seemed intriguing that came up out of conversation. Like,

Like, you know, the idea that the earth is in danger. I think one of you guys might even have suggested that or something. No, I believe it was you. You just said that us dum-dums, you had something important to tell us. Oh, I think, okay. And then I threw that out there and I was like, something will come. Something will come, of course. That's what this show is all about, is something will come. Something will come. All right. Speaking of coming, a break is coming right now and we have to get to it. So when we come back, we are going to go into your episode eight. This is fun.

We're getting closer and closer to number one. I can't believe you. Here we go. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. Hey, everybody. I'm doing a bunch of shows at Sketch Fest this coming month. You'll hear about it at the end with the plugs. But I want to tell you about a special show that I'm doing with my pal Mark Evan Jackson. This is Friday, January 25th at the Fillmore in Detroit, Michigan.

Mr. Jackson and Mr. Tompkins. This is myself and Mark Evan Jackson doing a two-man improv show. We've done it once before in Toronto. It was one of my top five onstage experiences in my whole career.

It is going to be a lot of fun, and it's a benefit for the Detroit Creativity Project. Please go to paulftompkins.com slash live for tickets. Mr. Jackson and Mr. Tompkins, one night only, Detroit, Michigan, Friday, January 25th. We'll see you there. Comedy Bang Bang, best of 2018. Must be jelly, because jam don't shake like that. This is fun, isn't it? It's fun, yeah. Are you having fun?

Are you having any fun? What a weird song. What is that from? It's a song called. Are you having any fun? It's like an old musical. Well, a lot of those standards are from musicals technically, but you wouldn't know it because they're just like some play that you put on. I mean, it's like take me out to the ball game is from exactly. It's from, of course, uh, the, uh, ball game. Take me out. Um, yeah, but what a weird song to say. Are you having any fun? Like some things don't need to be songs.

You know? Absolutely. Some things don't need to be some. Turning to your spouse. Turning to your spouse. I think I'm turning to your spouse. I really think so.

Hey, are you having any fun? That gives me a great idea for a song. No, it doesn't have to. It's a weird thing to ask. Are you having any fun? Are you having any fun? Hey, and that, it's the holiday season, right? It is. Well, I mean, when people are listening to this, it's right after Christmas, but it is the holiday season. That's the holiday season. Yeah, because New Year's Eve is coming up. Yeah, we're going right around the corner. But that song that goes, it's the holiday season and hickory dock.

I don't know this. You don't know that song? No, what is this? Oh, fuck. Here, let me look it up. But what is your issue with it? What is it referring to? It's got a couple weird moments in it where it's like, that's not a thing that people just say. What does that have to do with the holiday season? It's the holiday season lyrics. It's the holiday season, so whoop-dee-doo and hickory dock. Whoop-dee-doo and hickory dock! And don't forget to hang up your sock, because at exactly 12 o'clock, boy, they're really...

they're really boxing Santa in to a very specific timeline. Yeah. This is like investigators trying to, trying to box OJ. They couldn't come up with a third rhyme for sock. So they got sock and clock. Uh,

They start with Hickory Dock? Yeah. He'll be coming down the chimney down. He'll be coming down the chimney down. Who sings this piece of shit? Andy Williams? Happy holidays. Oh, it's that song. Happy holidays. But what's the tune of this? It's the holiday season. It's the holiday season.

Listen to this, by the way. And hickory dock. By the way, the previous verse does not even share the rhyme scheme of that verse. It's the holiday season and Santa Claus is coming back. Now you would expect it to be like crack sack. Yeah. Here are the lyrics. The Christmas snow is white on the ground when old Santa gets into town. He'll be coming down the chimney down. I would have thought like- This is the laziest lyric writing I've ever heard. It's the holiday season and Santa's back. My pussy and my crack. Ha ha ha.

My neck, my back. You got to lick it before you kick it. Santa. This is some lazy shit. It's some lazy shit, Edwin Williams. Guess who wrote it? Guess who wrote it?

C. Everett Koop. He did. Why? Why would he do this? Why would he do this? Just be the Surgeon General. Why would he do this to us? Is that not enough for you? Who's the current Surgeon General? That's a great question. I will look it up, Scotty. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. You're never going to guess it. Look, I'm never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. Woo woo woo.

I'm going to say it's... Don't look at the reflection in my eyes. I have a story to tell you about that. Oh, you do? It's somebody else's story, so I'll tell you off mic. Okay, great. Someone else's story, the musical chess. I think it's Kenneth Lonergan. So close. Vivek Murthy. Vivek Murthy was my second choice! Ah, sorry, you should have chosen him first. Oh!

He was confirmed under President Barack Obama in 2017. Oh, he's still. There's not. Trump didn't put his own guy in there. Wait, hold on. No, he's replaced. No, you're right. He is replaced. It's his. Yeah, he was replaced under Trump. Hold on. Then who is it? Current Surgeon General is. Oh, some Jerome Adams.

But he's not been confirmed yet. Maybe we don't have one. He doesn't sound like a real guy. Jerome Adams. Jerome Adams. Meanwhile, Vivek Murphy. Why are we replacing this guy? He's perfect. Vivek Murphy, the Murphy group. I just love you, you know? I just love you. What about the Murphy group? Some great stuff recently about him. So great stuff. Did we go to a break or are we back from a break? I think we're back from a break. We are back from a break. Yes, we are. You're right. We're back from a break. All right. We need to get to...

The countdown. Gotta get to the countdown. Need to get back to this countdown. Let's go to your episode eight. Number eight. All right, episode eight. This is from earlier in the year. This is episode 541. Oh, now this one is a controversial pick. Is it? I don't know. This is an episode called, Is That a Joke?

Sounds familiar. And the people involved are Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch. And myself, of course. And this is – okay, so Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch, they are touring the country currently. I believe they have four or five tour dates next year where they – including –

are they playing Carnegie Hall or they're playing Radio City? I can't remember. Carnegie Hall. You know, I used to, I used to dream about the wonderful performers or performers, no performance spaces that, oh, someday I would play.

And I've gotten to go on – and you and I have gotten to go on some great ones. The Ace – Theater of the Ace Hotel here. The Great Space. The Wiltern. I was in that Mr. Show thing. That was exciting. I think you were on. That was exciting. I just sang a song in it, but it was a lot of fun to do the Wiltern. And then when we were in –

England, we played that big, like 1600 Cedar. We sold that out of, uh, it was, was it the London blade? No, it was the Shepard's Bush. It was something Shepard's Bush. And remember backstage, there were all these, uh, they, on the walls, they had all the people who had played there and it was like the Rolling Stones warmup concert.

And the Who warm-up concert. Like, they're not going to play their regular show here, of course. But it made me feel good, like, wow, I'm playing where the Rolling Stones played. Oh, their warm-up concert. But still, we've played some great places. Maybe we'll play Carnegie Hall someday. Maybe we will. Who knows? Yeah, we should. Let's do it this year, this coming year. Okay. Let's play Carnegie Hall. All right. We'll put that up as our New York tour date. I'm in. If we do a tour. I'm in. Okay. We'll do that. Definitely. Definitely.

But Tommy and Ben are out there touring the country right now with their Middle Ditch and Schwartz tour, and they came on the show to promote it. And when they're on the show, they basically just pick a crazy name and then play these crazy characters who don't know each other, and this show is no exception. This is your episode eight. Let's hear it. Number eight.

I don't know what his job is, but his name is Leonard Stooltap. Hello, Leonard. Hey, how are you? My name is Leonard Stooltap. Leonard Stooltap. What an interesting name. Oh, my God. Yeah, thanks. I'm from all over the world. I was born all over the world. I was born in a plane. You were born in a plane, which was just kind of... So my head was born in Russia.

My body was technically born in Switzerland, and my legs were born in Amsterdam. Amazing. So you have so many nationalities. Oh, my goodness. Thank you for saying that. Wow. But your accent sounds very, very... Oh, I'm very posh. What I did is I took all the different dialects from around the world, and I put them together in a beautiful stew, and here I am, Leonard Stuhltapp. Leonard Stuhltapp. So it's so good to talk to you. Thank you for being on the show. Thank you.

I don't know why my producer hooked you up with the show, but obviously you're here to talk about something. Well, I'll tell you what I do and then you'll know why. I'm a professional hooker. A professional hooker? I'm a professional hooker. Don't call me a gigolo. I'm a professional hooker. Okay. I guess if you were not a professional and you were a hooker, you would just be like any of us, just having sex for free. That's a funny joke. So I guess what I am is a funny joke. Oh, that's the other thing. I don't understand jokes. Oh, okay.

So wait, do you just say that's a funny joke after every single thing anyone says, just in case? That's a funny joke. Just in case someone says a joke, I say that's a funny joke. Oh, it's terrible. When I'm doing a eulogy, I say it at the end also, just in case. You know what I mean? How often are you doing eulogies, by the way? It's a funny joke. Like, um...

I'll do a eulogy probably once a week. Once a week for people you know? Because you've got to get good at them. It's just like a best man speech. So you're sort of practicing for the ultimate eulogy that you're going to get? When I prostitute, I end up with a lot of people who are deceased afterwards. And because of that, I have to get good at eulogies. You wind up with people who are deceased afterwards. Are you murdering them? No, I bang so hard I bust them open. What the fuck?

Men, women. Why would anyone hire you? They don't know. That's a joke. They don't know.

It's not a joke. That's a serious thing that you're doing. Is that a joke? No, that's not a joke. Right. So in my head, have you ever had sex before? Yeah, several times. I'm a married man. Oh, really? Who are you married to? Cool Up? Wait, how do you know her? I just made up a funny word. So how long? What are you doing? You hit it 100%. Yeah, okay. Really? Yeah, you did. Cool Up Visa? No way, right? Well, you got the last name wrong. Okay, got it. Cool. Can I ask you a question? Yes. What's it like when you have sex?

What's it like? I mean, it's a loving, tender communion of two bodies. Of course, of course. Commingling and almost becoming one. Don't say commingling. Is that a joke? My question to you is, what's it like? It's, I don't know. It's like your private parts kind of tingle and then they sort of. I'll tell you what it's like to have sex with me. Okay. Have you seen Avengers Infinity Gauntlet? Yeah. It's out by now, right? Yeah, it's great. Well, I mean, I don't think it's out by now. Imagine all the stones, all the infinity stones in my balls.

And every time I come, the power of all the infinity stones come together and burst through either your asshole or your vagina. That's, I mean, that's powerful. That's, you're the Thanos of coming. You said it. I didn't say it. You know what I mean? Is that a joke? It's not a joke. Are you sure? So why would anyone hire you to do this? Because. Every single person that you've ever had sex with? No, one person has not. Who is that? Oh, God.

I don't want to say his name because he's a big celebrity. Please. I don't want to say his name because he's a big celebrity. I mean, you can't just tease us like this. Who is this? He may... I can't believe I'm doing this. Please. Give us a little gas. Ray Bradbury. Ray Bradbury?

Yes. Writer of Fahrenheit 451 and Dandelion Wine. Oh, I had no idea. Really? I saw him speak at my college once. Oh, my goodness. How was he? Was he as cool as he was in bed? Yeah. I mean, I don't know how cool he was in bed. Oh, he was super cool. Because he's a science... He's one of those guys that puts on sunglasses and goes, let's do it.

I guess that's cool. So wait a minute, because he's a science fiction writer, he was able to escape this sort of science fiction death? I guess. I don't know. I gave him my blow and he didn't. You know what I mean? He didn't blow up. But I'm not here to talk about sex. I'm here to talk about my new passion. Okay, good. Because I think we've gone about as far as we can go.

Oh, really? With the professional hooker bar. What is your new passion? What are you into these days? You want to hear about it right now? Yes, if you're here to talk about it, I want to hear about it right now. Let us tarry no further. I create sports for babies. You create sports for babies. Do you like football? I love football. Oh, well, I have a football baby league. So it doesn't sound like you're creating a sport as much as you're just organizing a league. Right, I guess I'm more of a soccer mom than anything.

Wait a minute, so you're not creating new sports? No. Oh, yes I am. Do you want to hear the new sports I'm creating? Yeah, that's what I thought you were talking about. It's like baseball, but instead of a ball. So it's a stick sport. It's a stick sport. And a ball sport. It's a ball sport and a stick sport. The best combination of a stick sport and a ball sport. What are the things you love about all the different sports? Well, I love, you know, points. We've got it. Okay, great.

I love competition. Oh my goodness, yes. I love that they normally don't end in ties. Yes, well this one, the only way to win is to not end with a tie. Okay, I love... Imagine if you will, close your eyes. Imagine if you will, a sport that combines baseball, football, soccer, and flying all at the same time, but has nothing to do with Harry Potter. Okay, so not Quidditch.

It's not Quidditch. Okay, so... But by the way, there is a lawsuit pending on me. Okay, wait. There is a lawsuit pending. Everybody gets on their brimes. Not brooms. Brimes. Brimes. These are flying machines? They fly, yes. Okay. And they get their balls...

And you have to take it and try to throw it through. Their testicles or their hoop? No, that's a funny joke. Is that a joke? That was a joke, yes. Oh, okay. I wouldn't know. Hey, a broken clock is right twice a day. I have something very similar to Quidditch, but it's not quite Quidditch. Okay. Okay, and so everybody gets on their brimes. They go up. They try to throw their balls through their hoops. Whoever gets the most dingle bops wins. Okay, what is this sport called? It's called Quidditch.

Spelled like Quidditch, but there's no... But it's pronounced differently. The I doesn't have a dot over it. Okay. So it's Quidditch. Wait, is that a joke? Because you're laughing. No, I'm laughing because someone tickled my foot. Oh. And I don't even know what that is. What did I just do, a laugh? Yeah, that was definitely a laugh. So was that a joke?

I thought it was a joke because of your laugh. So it's Kidditch. It's exactly like, it's very similar to Quidditch. It's spelled the same, pronounced differently. Yes, but it's way less expensive. It's so expensive to pay Quidditch because you got to get those brooms. Well, you also have to be magic. You use brimes, which exist. Oh, that's another thing. I guess I'm magic. Wait, you are magic? I mean, obviously I thought that because of your, you know. Yeah, I blow people up my cum. You don't think I'm magic? No.

What are you, crazy? Literally, I orgasm in someone and they explode into a million particles and then start life anew as a tree. You don't think I'm magic? Okay, I guess. How did you become magic? I feel like my producer should have introduced you as magic person first. Oh, yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm not your producer. I don't know why you're yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you. In fact, I have not raised my voice. You got all the bullet points for your Wikipedia page, okay? I'm goddamn magic. I blow people up with my cum. I have a sport like Quidditch, but not really. And I organize leagues of football and baseball for babies. In what way are you magic? Huh? I say, in what way are you magic? Close your eyes. How are you? Close your eyes. They're closed. Okay, open your eyes. Okay. For those 10 seconds your eyes were closed, the entire room was made of blue.

And dragons were here. What? How would I know that? Your eyes have to be closed. Wait, so no one can see your actual magic? No, because your brain, you have to focus on my words and my magic. Okay, let me close them again. Okay, oh my God, look how many dumplings are here. Did you open your eyes? I just opened them. There's no dumplings. They all disappeared. They were all here. How many dumplings were here? Look at me. Don't I look like I ate a bunch of dumplings?

I mean, not really. I look similar, right? You don't really look different after you're done. Yeah, I was going to say, there aren't even crumbs running around. That's what I do. My magic is the second your eyes are closed, I can almost do anything. Well, look, Leonard Stuhltapp. Leonard Stuhltapp, that's me. You're a very interesting person. Magical abilities. Yes, magic when you close your eyes. You've had sex with Ray Bradbury, who's no longer with us.

What an interesting person you are, but we do need to get to our next guest. Oh, there's another guest? I'm not enough for you? Well, I mean, I hope you stick around and speak to him because him or, yeah, it is a him. I don't have his profession here with me either, but I do have his name. Yeah, please welcome to the show for the first time ever, Mitch Slocum. Hi. Hi. It's so good to meet you, Mitch. Yeah, it's great to be here.

It's, uh, this is Leonard Stoltap. Hey, Leonard, how are you? Okay, okay. What are you up to, Mitch? What's your deal? What's your whole thing? What do you mean? Why is this guy coming at me? Yeah, come on, get him in easy. Get me in easy. Are you interested? Welcome to the show. I don't know what you mean. Oh, what? Welcome to the show. Thank you. I'm trying to do some pleasantries before you have to immediately explain yourself. Okay. Well, uh, now do I explain myself? Yeah, please. I mean, if you're ready to. Okay. Well, I'm, uh, currently...

Currently a stay-at-home father. Stay-at-home father. That's wonderful. How many children do you have? None. I don't work because I was in a very bad horse accident, horse collision. Oh, no. You collided with a horse or you were on top of a horse? Four years ago, I was perambulating through a field, an open field. What is perambulating? To walk.

You were walking to a vehicle? So why not just say walk? Because perambulations longer. Close your eyes for one second. Open your eyes. You just sucked 50 dicks. I'm fine with that. What, are you trying to scare me? You're never going to scare me. Close your eyes. Okay. Open your eyes. Got it. You just jerked off two dragons. Okay.

That doesn't faze you at all? If that really happened, I am a god amongst men. I mean, I vanquished two very powerful monsters by jacking them. Vanquish? Well, when you jack someone off, that's a sign of power over the other person. Oh.

Don't you know that? Yes. You're making the other person submit to you. I haven't found that to be true. If you ever want to show your dominance, jack someone up. The unflappable Mitch Slocum. Yes. I was walking through the field in two horses. You're perambulating through the field. Well, I wanted to dumb it down for this freak over here. I'm sorry. Why would you do that? Well, just, you know.

Anyway, I was walking through the field, perambulating as it were, and two horses collided into me. They were running very fast. Were they coming at each other? It's hard to say. I mean, I looked to the left, and one horse said, you're next, and I pointed to me, and then he pointed no behind you. The horse talked to you? And then I turned around, and then the other horse was like, okay, Benny, you want to be to me? And then they ran into me. I tried to get out of the way, but it wasn't. How did you try to get out of the way? Were you trying to perambulate? I jumped to the left.

If you can believe it. Whoa, how high? To try to make them hit into each other? Yeah. Well, at first I jumped forward and I didn't go anywhere on account of my...

As you can see, I don't have legs. Wait, but wait, wait, wait. Oh, wait, hold on, hold on. I thought that was because of the horse. I cannot see that. So this isn't how you lost your legs? No, no, no, no. This is just another weird thing that happened. A terrible accident. Okay. This was a terrible accident at a field. I don't know if you've ever had two horses collide with you. No, I mean, what you're explaining sounds like horses acting like raptors, grouping up and trying to kill you. Oh, well, just as they were coming, just as they were colliding, I turned to one and I said, clever girl. Is that a joke?

I don't believe so. How were you perambulating to this field without legs? On my hands. Anywho, I lost my legs in a terrible wheat combine accident. Close your eyes. Okay. Open your eyes. You had legs for a little bit. That doesn't bring me to tears if you're trying to make me emotional that for one second I could have walked again. I'll get your emotional. I'd love that.

Here, I'll tell you what. Close your eyes again. Okay. Okay, now try to walk while your eyes are closed. I don't believe I can. Open your eyes. I did nothing, you fucking idiot. Oh. But you tried. You did try. Made you try. Made you try. I don't believe I did. I think I was confused. Weed combine? Weed combine? A wheat combine. Did you work for a company that was threshing wheat? No, I was messing around. I really shouldn't have been there. Okay. I was putting stones in the gears.

Was this a loose combine somewhere or a friend's combine? Are you an anti-wheat guy? I was eight. What can a boy do other than push down into the wheat combine gears? Play? Yes, and the farmer decided to teach me a lesson, and he waited for me when I was on the gears and on the blades, and he turned it on. Oh, no. I mean, that's a hard lesson to learn. I learned it. You definitely learned it. And I'll never do that again. Have you done it again since? No, but I am passionate about rocks.

Okay. Passionate about rocks. Tell us everything. I like to collect the magma ones and the outer space ones and the sediment ones and the ones that flake and the ones that are hard and the ones that are crusty and the ones that charred. And I like the rocks that go boom, boom when I take the rocks and I go zoom, zoom down the hill. Ah.

I roll them down the hill, big or small, it doesn't matter till they hit a man or a lady or a bus. I like it when they clang off the bus. Hey. Wow, was that planned? That was incredible. That's what I say at the beginning of all my rock movies. Okay, do it from the beginning then. Here we go. Wait, I can't. I've got a one limit. Oh, that makes sense. It's a rule. Yeah, that definitely makes sense. Say.

So you're a rock collector. You're sort of a geologist in a way. A geolord, it's what they're called. Geolord. In the circuit. I had a couple of geologists on recently who were also singers. Who? Name the names. Brashford. Brashford. I know them. Yeah, yeah. And Samson, I believe? Samson, yes. Samson's a good one. I know them both. Yeah, yeah. They're a married couple. Yes. Yeah. Yes, I've seen them at the rock conventions. Yeah, right. Yeah. They sing that one song that they barely know. Yes. Solid as a rock.

It's also, it's very confusing. Rock conventions could mean rock and roll music. Yeah, how often does that happen where you think you're going to, you know, a convention that- And it turns out you're going to a concert. And it turns out it's Lollapalooza. It's just Def Leppard. It's Coachella. The amount of accidental Warped Tours that I've been to is insane. I can't even imagine. I can't even tell you. Do you enjoy them, though? Are you kidding me? Who doesn't like a little ooh-ah?

A little Long Beach All-Stars. Did you ever go, is Lilith Fair confusing or no? Like the bodies hit the floor. Oh, wow. Do you sing? I try to. Let's hear a little bit of it. Um, disrespect your surroundings. Oh, you only know three words from each thing? Yeah. Um, I do it all for the nookie. Oh, I know that one. The nookie. Um, let me see. Corn. You know any corn? Um.

All day I dream about sex. Is that true?

Are you big into sex? I'm celibate by choice. Oh, my goodness. We are polar opposites. Why? We are milk and cereal. We are so opposite. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Here we go. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. You know, we should try that in a round. Would you care to? Okay, here we go. You start us off. So I think, will I point or you'll just know? We'll just know. I think it would on milk and cereal.

On and. Oh, to do like a roll, roll, roll your boat? Yeah, yeah. Roll your boat. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. You start us off. I'll go after. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Wait, do you want me to do it a different time? Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Oh, no. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. We almost did it. I'd like to try again. Okay, ready, go. Here we go.

I thought you meant make up new words to it. One, two, one. I'm laughing. It's too much fun. Is that a joke? So let's everyone do a deadly serious. Are we in a joke? A deadly serious. Dearly serious. Everyone frown. All right, so think of the worst thing that's happened. So for me, it's killing all those people in my sperm. Losing my legs and then getting hit by the horses. What about you, Scott? This show? Okay, here we go. Okay.

Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. You know, have you ever had a dream in the morning where you can't wake up from? It's a bit like that. It's not like this. It sounds like it. That's what that sounds like. That was a lot of fun. I loved it. Number three.

Okay. So they're, okay. Okay. So they're playing Leonard stool tap and Mitch Slocum. Um, I believe I mentioned Brashford and Franklin, uh,

Not Samson. I believe it's Bashford and Samson is who I meant to mention when I mentioned Brashford and Franklin, who are from a different episode who may be coming up later on the countdown. Who knows? Who can say? Who can say? Certainly not I. Not the likes of you. Certainly not. Only God can say. Only God can judge us. Do you think he's out there judging us? Yeah, I do. If I know him. This God guy? Very judgmental. Very judgmental guy.

Like that's all he cares about. That's all he cares about is creating us. First of all, he creates us. Yeah. To judge us. Just to judge us. Just to judge us. Just to judge us. God, you created us. Just to judge us. We are going out of our minds. It's happening. We have, look, guys, we have one more clip before the end of this episode and before you and I go on a lunch break. Look, we have one more clip.

But let's, before we do that, we have to go to a break. Is that all right? We have to do that. When we come back, we're going to have episode seven on the countdown. This is so exciting. We're really getting to it. Lucky Slevin. Lucky number Slevin. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang.

Hi everyone, Scott Aukerman here. Did you know, and I hope you do, that in 2018, Earwolf published 1,785 episodes. That's over 1,591 hours. That's 66 days worth of podcast listening if you never went to sleep.

Since you probably don't have that kind of time, all of the hosts and producers here at Earwolf chose their favorite episode of their show this year and made a playlist for you. Go see if your favorite episode made the cut and check out some new shows. What better place to start than the very best episode of the year after all?

I believe for Comedy Bang Bang, I might have picked an episode. I don't want to spoil it, but just check it out. Go over to Earwolf.com slash pics. That's P-I-C-K-S to see all the selections. Again, that's Earwolf.com slash pics. All of these episodes are out from behind the paywall and Stitcher premium members. There is a special version of the playlist just for you. Oh boy. Just start. So just search Stitcher or search Stitcher.

for Earwolf Pack Picks 2018. Thanks for a great year of podcasts. We want to hear your favorites. Tell us your favorite episode of 2018 with a hashtag. Hashtag slash tag Earwolf Picks. Don't say slash tag. It's just hashtag Earwolf Picks. Come

Comedy Bang Bang. Wow. We're really doing it. Scott, we're tearing through this shit. We're tearing this countdown a new A-hole. Oh, we're like shit through a goose. Do geese shit a lot? Is that why that expression? I guess when you're watching a goose, it's just like shitting constantly, right? They can't hold their grain. They love grain, but they can't. It just goes right through them. It goes right through them like. Diarrhea geese. I don't know.

Is it that? I don't know that it's... You know, when you're sliding into home and you're feeling all that foam. Diarrhea. I think it's that. It's not so much that they shit all the time. Why is that? Can I ask? Why? What is the convergence of diarrhea and baseball? That that rhyme? You really don't know?

No, I don't know. No, I don't. Why? This is absurd. Why did that rhyme? Who? I don't understand. Like diarrhea, diarrhea. When you slide, when you're coming into first and you feel your trousers burst when you're sliding into third and you feel that big turd. Although that's the opposite of diarrhea as far, you know, like why? Who was like, we listen, I got an idea. Let's imagine baseball players have diarrhea. Now look, I'm a baseball fan. Sure. So I know this. You're Mr. Baseball. They call me Mr. Baseball.

And this is maybe a little inside that game. Sure. Just like a pitch might be at certain points. In order to perform at the peak –

At the level these guys are at. Effectiveness level. Yeah. They all have diarrhea. Is it because of their dietary? Yes. I see. And the certain medications that one has to take? Yes. They're basically all on speed. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Diarrhea speed. The speed at which diarrhea passes through. See, that's the thing. I don't think it's that goose shit all the time. It's that they shit so quickly. They're just like, there it goes. Yeah.

So that's what it was. People were like looked at that and said, wow, they shit so fast. Have you ever seen a goose like settle down with a magazine on a toilet? No, you haven't. No, no toilet for you. R.I.B. Oh, Paul, we're really doing it, though. You have to admit. I am compelled to admit that. Yes, we are. The power of Christ compels you to admit that we are really doing it. The power of Christ compels you.

Why aren't TV preachers really a thing anymore? They're still there. Were they parodied so much that people don't take them seriously enough? They were mortified. You know how like in the late 80s and early 90s, it was like, yeah, enough parodies of TV preachers. We know they're seedy. We know they're out – they're just there for money. But it worked. It did. It really worked. I think what happened was TV preachers, when they saw all the comedians make fun of them, they were like –

Let's lay low for a little bit. And then we'll come back. Wait till people forget. All these hilarious parodies. It's going to become a hacky thing. Wait till we're right on. And then when people kind of forget about it, we'll be back. We'll be back. I meant for that to be. I meant for that to be. And instead, we'll be back is what I said.

There's a way to do a Schwarzenegger, and I completely missed it. What if in that movie he was like, we'll be back, and then slowly into frame he has a little hand puppet. And the hand puppet just nods and says, cool sign. I wish people could see what I'm doing. It's real good puppet work. It's so funny. Your space work is exceptional. Thank you. We have to get to our final clip of this episode, Paul. We have to get to the final clip of this episode. I can really see it. Yeah, I'm doing a puppet.

This is exciting because this is episode number seven. Number seven. All right, number seven. This is episode 574. Paul, the 500s are very popular this year. Not only that, but this is the final episode that was eligible for our countdown. This is impossible. From first to last. I believe the...

Bible tells us? Bible tells us. The Alpha and the Omega. 524, which was on our previous countdown, Merry Chunky Christmas. That was not our first episode eligible. I thought it was from first to last, but it's not. I think there was one or two before then. But this is the last episode that was eligible. This is an episode called Conan Never Goes Outside. Oh, boy. And the parties involved in this are Conan O'Brien. That's right. From the titular Tonight Show. Yeah.

Now, of course, he has his own show, Conan. Of course he has. Paul F. Tompkins. That's me. Lauren Lapkus. That's her. And Mary Holland. That is also her. All of these people are involved in this episode. And this was merely a month ago, I believe, that we recorded this. It seems like only yesterday, but it was in fact yesterday and then three weeks. Plus about three weeks or so or maybe four. Yeah, maybe four. And-

Of course, this is an episode where our label mate, he is on the Earwolf Network. Conan O'Brien was making the rounds doing some podcasts and agreed very nicely to do ours. He agreed. Was he nice about it? I'm not sure. I believe he complained about it on a different podcast. Seems unlike him. Well, it was.

I have run into Conan a couple of times here and there. I directed the Between Two Ferns episode he was in, which was in the basement of the Tonight Show theater at Universal Studios when he was there for about six months. We filmed it in the basement there. So I'd run into him a couple of times, but I don't really know him.

Does anyone? That's the whole premise of his show. Oh, yeah. That he has no friends. I guess I won't pitch that to him. Hey, here's a pitch for you. You got no friends. Nobody likes you.

But it was a pleasure talking to him. Actually, in these clips that we're going to play, we don't normally play a lot of the interview segment on these clips, but it was such a good interview that I wanted to play some of it. Why not? And we talk about the very topic that you and I were discussing not moments ago, SCTV, where he tells John Candy stories. So we are going to play a little bit of the interview.

By the way, if you don't know the – if you're just listening to these episodes for the first time, you don't really know what Comedy Bang Bang is. Normally the show starts off with a real person and I'm talking to them and I do a little bit of an interview, not too serious about what they're up to, and then we bring in fake characters. So we're going to play a little bit of the real interview with Conan and then we are going to play a section from –

From you and Lauren Lapkus, you're playing Pat and Scat Hamptoncrat, two hoteliers. And after this later, Mary Holland plays a ghost, but instead we're going to hear these first two clips. This is your episode seven. Number seven.

Big Beatles fan, do you like the Beatles? What happened there? Did you just have a small stroke? Yeah, a little tiny one. So you've done no preparation. Oh, absolutely. You're not even sure who I am. I think that you are... You think I'm Bill Burr wearing a wig, don't you? That's what you think. You think you have more hair than Bill Burr. I know I have more hair than Bill Burr. So let's talk about the podcast. I have more hair than Lucille Ball. Currently. Oh God, why did you do it? Why don't you remind us that she's gone?

People need reminding about these facts because otherwise they don't know. She lives on in our hearts, doesn't she? She certainly does. As long as they're on that tube, that flickering screen, they're still alive. I will live long after my death in 11 years. I will still be around because somewhere they'll be showing my show accidentally. Is that why everything's going up on the web? I'm preparing for the end of days. It must be.

difficult and this is leading you down another legal avenue here but how difficult is it to get the rights from the NBC shows you're not on NBC no no that was that was it took us a while but we uh

I get along very well with all the people that are there now, and it's a joint venture with them. And so let's say putting it up on the web makes us $8. Right. They'll get seven of it. Okay. That's not a great split for you. I'm not interested in the money. I never was. You just want people to see it. I've never been paid for my show. Really? Yeah. I've been –

pretty much been an intern so you're the opposite of Jay Leno who doesn't spend his money right but he gets paid if I could get money I would spend it like crazy what would you spend it on oh my god it's amazing I can't you're the type of celebrity that I can't imagine ever driving down the street I don't but it's funny when you say celebrity I don't think of myself as a celebrity you don't really I think of someone that interacts with celebrities interesting but I myself don't feel that way

I mean, obviously when you- I'm not in celebrity magazines. True. You can't, I defy you to find me. No paparazzi wants a picture of me. My plan worked perfectly. I get to be in comedy and I am completely uninteresting and remain uninteresting-

to anyone who takes photographs of celebrities. And yet you probably have all of the annoying aspects of celebrity of, can you go down the street without people wanting to take your picture? I get a lot of selfie requests. Right. Yeah. How many do you grant? I grant every single selfie request. 100%. That's not a joke. Really? That's not a joke. I do. And why is that? Do you see yourself? It takes a second. I do it, and I know that...

Yourself as a young comedy fan? I remembered when I was a young comedy just fanatic and occasionally would meet a hero. And I was not the kind of person to approach them. But if I did get the chance to, I did get the chance to spend a day with John Candy, who I just idolized. It was recently the anniversary of his death, I believe. Or his birthday. Yeah.

Recently his birth. One of the two. Coming or going. Why you cut in there, I don't know. But...

But that was your choice, and you made it, and now we're talking about his death. Interesting style. Lucille Ball, him. Yeah. But I got to spend a day with him. I'm going to keep going. I got to spend a day with him back in 1984, and I remembered very clearly that he was everything I wanted him to be. He was just full of life. He was Falstaff. He was really hilarious. He was really funny. And I thought –

If I ever get the opportunity, I really did think this at the time, if I ever get the opportunity to do what I would most like to do and I'm known for it, I want to be, when people are a fan and they meet me, I want to show them that it's a real thing. You know, I don't want it to be artifice and no, no, no, that's how I act on TV, but...

I'm not really that person. So that's sort of almost a quasi-religious thing with me. Can you tell us one example of a story about John Candy where he – in the day. How many hours are we talking? I got to spend – I was in college at the time and I was running the humor magazine and I invited him to come visit our humor magazine because I just adored him.

And in Boston, and he said yes, which I couldn't believe. I picked him up at the airport. He flew in. I remembered him to this day. I remembered him coming down an escalator, holding a paperback that he'd been reading on the plane. The minute I met him, I thought, oh, don't be the nerd who brings up all your favorite SCTV skits. But he's so friendly. I started, I just brought up, you know, the yellow belly skit?

was a skit where it came with a song. It was a parody of a TV show about a cowardly, it was like, he's yellow belly and he's a cowardly cavalry officer who gets discharged for cowardice. And it just shows him walking down the street and a woman and a little girl walk by and the girl says, I think that's yellow belly. And he turns around and shoots them both in the back. It was the hardest I've laughed as a kid. You never saw anything that mean, that edgy.

And there was a song, he's a coward. I brought it up to John Candy and he was delightful and he reenacted it. What? And then I had been told by his people, you've got to make sure that John Candy stays on his diet. He's on a Pritikin diet. He's on a Pritikin diet. And they sent me back then, I think they had to send it through the mail.

This is back in the 1940s. But they sent it through pneumatic tube. Mail carrier on a horseback. Yes, exactly. I got this thing and it was like he can have...

He can have four ounces of boiled chicken, no skin. He can have this. He can have that. Why are you in charge of this? Because I was hosting him. You're driving him. No, no, no. But I was hosting him for the day. So they wanted to make sure that I got him all the right food that he needed because he was on this really serious diet. So he shows up.

And the first thing he did is he said, hey, let's walk around. Let's get the feel of the city. And he was this larger than life, really fun guy. Come on. He kept calling me kid. Hey, kid, come on. And I was like, oh, all right. You know, I'm the height I am now, 6'4", but I was about 155 pounds and just this big floppy thing of hair and super, just super skinny. I'm like, oh, okay, Mr. Candy. And I'm walking along with him. And the first thing he does is he goes into a pastry shop.

And he starts pointing to eclairs in the cabinet. And he was like, well, I'll take that one. I'll take that one. I'll take that one. Give me two of those. Give me two of those. And they start putting all these eclairs. And I'm getting really nervous. And I'm really freaking out. And he looked at me and he winked and he went, don't worry, kid. They're Pritikin eclairs. Oh!

And I was like, I'm in a show with him. Right. I'm in a show with him. He lived his life like it was a show. Yes. And everyone else was the cast. Yes, exactly. And I thought, that's beautiful. What a beautiful, his life was, I mean, he was, that's a really special moment for me. And then recently, not too long ago, I ran into-

A woman who said, I'm John Candy's, I'm his daughter. And I remember that you hung out with my dad for a day or that, you know, I've heard you talk about it. And then she, we exchanged information and then she sent me a photo that her dad took of me. What? On campus. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, it's really sweet. And that he kept in his photo book.

Or he never threw out any photo. I doubt it was that important to him. Wow. Because I was just random kid at the time. Incredible. And do you know, did he – he wasn't still with us in 93 or was he by the time you got your show? You know, he would – I desperately would have wanted to be a guest, but he passed away just a few months into our show. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Well – On that note –

You did it again. You're incredible. You're incredible. I just have to say. Sorry. We'll be back to discuss both Kennedy assassinations. We'll be right back.

Well, we have to bounce to our next guests. They are two hoteliers, and I believe I'm pronouncing that correctly. Yes, you are. Does anyone say hoteliers? Or is it always hoteliers? Some people say that, and they're wrong. Some people do. Let's welcome them to the show. They've never been on the show before, so this is an exciting opportunity to talk to them. Please welcome Pat and Scat Hampton Gratts.

I really had to read that. That's a lot of letters in that last name. We have to write it sometimes. How do you think we feel? Pat and Scat Hamptoncratch. That's right. This is Kona O'Brien. Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to see you, Pat and Scat Hamptoncratch. Which one is Pat? Which one's Scat?

Well, I'm scat because I, well, I don't want to. Oh, scatological? No, my full name's Scatricia. Oh, Scatricia. Yeah, why would you go down the scatological route with Scatricia? She said it like, well, you know what I mean. And my full name is Patman. Like Pac-Man? No, like Patman Crothers. Oh, yeah.

Why are you getting these wrongs? That's where I went to. I thought he meant like Batman Crothers. I'm sorry. I've never seen The Shining, so I don't know who that is. Okay. Welcome to the show, guys. Thank you for having us, Scott. Thanks so much. It's a pleasure to be here. You're a hotelier. What hotel are you in charge of? Well, we are in exactly a hotel.

Yes, it's a property that we own that people can pay money to stay in. I love a good property when I go on vacation. Conan, do you ever go on vacation? I mean, you must go somewhere. I do. What's your city of choice? Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia. I only go to Nova Scotia. There's a small shack there down by the water.

that I like to visit. It's very expensive, actually. Do they keep it open for you year-round? They need to be ready to go at any moment. Any moment. What's in that shack? Is it just... I'd rather not say. A table, a chair, and one rifle? Let's just say looks can be deceiving. It looks like a very simple shack on the outside. Inside, it's quite opulent. It's like the TARDIS. Yeah, and it goes down many levels. It's a way for me, well, let's be honest, a world-renowned...

to get away. Now, earlier in the show, you were saying you didn't consider yourself to be a celebrity and suddenly you're world-renowned? It's just for saps. Scott, thanks for having us. Yeah, welcome to the show, guys. You know what I'll say? I would never as a host...

Pat and scat. I would never, ever, ever. This is not a competition between us. Oh, I think it has become one. I'm sorry, I'm trying to hear Conan. Yeah, thank you very much, scat. Or I'm sorry, scatricia, not for scatological. Scat. Scatological for short. Okay, well now- Scatological for short. I would never have, he swiveled his chair away from you and he addressed me- My chair has been right here the entire show. I heard a squeaking swivel. He swiveled it away, looked at me. I look at both of you and I say-

You said it's not a real hotel. What kind of building is it? Thank you. Do you want to take over for me? I would love to just add color commentary every once in a while. If you want to do play-by-play. I'll happily. This is a trick. Oh, good. Well, yeah. We have a home in Sandusky, Ohio. That's right. And the home of Jerry Sandusky. Wait, they've named the city after him? Recently? To be fair, they named it long before. Oh, okay. It was named before. He was named after the town. Yeah. They talked about changing the name.

Since then. Yeah, but it's a whole... Just talk? That's a bureaucratic mess to try and get into that. It's too hard, too many IDs. It is. And a lot of pranksters are saying, let's call it Paternal Ohio. Yeah. Like, that's a lateral move at best. What's that one you're going to do? You got to update all of your accounts online to see where your address is. That's right. Everyone would have to fill out a change of address for you. Everyone. Every single person. There's no point. So we absolutely love it there, of course. We love it there, of course.

So you have this house. Is it the house that you're, is that you consider that the hotel or is there another structure? It's just a structure that we use. It's a structure that we use. It's a home. It is a home. And then during the,

During the week, so we don't have any customers or patrons, as we so love to call. That's right. We stay there. We live there. And this is our home. When it's empty, we live there. And when it's empty, we live there. And when we get a customer, patron, as we so love to call. Patron, as we sometimes like to call, though. We move out. Well, we do it. We move out. Well, I jump to the end. We pack our bags. We pack. Take a shower. First, we make sure. First, we wake up. We don't need every step. No, first, we wake up. We wake up. Eat breakfast.

Don't forget because I'm always hungry. We both wake up hungry every day. And now we're brother and sister, which of course we haven't gotten out yet. So we're very similar in our eating habits. Now, because when we were born in the womb... I think everyone eats first thing in the morning as far as... Well, we had the same mom. That's right. We come out starving. First thing we were born, we both wanted the tit. That's right. Luckily, there were two. Did one of you get left one and one of you get right one? I got left in the dust. What?

You've been using that joke a lot your whole life, haven't you? And I got right in there. You got me. You've been using that, right? She got me. That's not the first time you've uncorked that one. It's not the first time I've said any of this. It's true. We've said all of this before. You guys are reading this off a script, I noticed. Yes, we are. Yes, and thank you.

Thank you for saying your lines. We're five people and we have a difficult time with strangers. Yeah. And we're both visual learners. Visual learners. Gotta see it written down. Flashcards. Flashcards are great. Yeah. Do you provide a service when people stay with you as a hotel would? Yes, we do. Turn down, turn up. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So you turn down service and... Turn down the TV, turn up the sheets. That's right. So you turn the TV all the way down? When people say we need turn down service... We'll do what you want. We'll ask, turn down for what? And then they have to be very specific. Is that how that song started? What song? Actually, I made a song about it. Oh, okay. It goes like this. Scott, you made a song? I was waiting to debut it at the show. But you're debuting it in front of me as a surprise. Yeah, you love surprises.

This is a debut of a song. You know what? The spit is flying in this room. It really is. No one can see. A lot of people don't know this. We're almost 10 years into the show, and I've been spat upon so much. I need a salad guard of something. We both just got braces. You'll have to forgive us. Well, yeah. So you have to understand. I actually, what I got is this guard at the base of my teeth that blocks my tongue from going forward. What I have. Very difficult to talk. I just got some old-fashioned metal braces, like from a museum. They have leather bands. Yeah.

So let's hear this song, the debut. Yeah, so it goes like this. Turn down for what?

I haven't figured out the rest yet. Oh, wait, that's the end. That's the beginning and the end. Yes. All right. I think you got a good start there, though. Well, thank you. This is why you're very supportive. And this is why our family works so well together. Exactly. And why we decided to live together in the first place. Yes. You know, we moved out. Have you ever lived apart? Or did you move back in with each other? I moved out at one point. Right. You stayed home with Mommy. Yes, I did. I stayed home with Mommy for several years. Is Mommy still around? No. Mommy passed. Mommy's passed, Conan. Mommy passed.

That doesn't always necessarily mean that she's dead. Many people use that. In an entertainment context. Yeah, past can also mean career on the wane. You know what I mean? A lot of people question, you know, who's past? Has Conan passed? Is his career, you know? But is she dead? I hate to be rude. Well, yes, she has passed on. She has passed, but her career did flounder.

Was she an entertainer? Absolutely. She was a magician. She certainly was. She was a stage magician. She was a stage magician. It's all types of trap doors in our house. Never took it to television. No, no, no. The TV wasn't invented. Oh, this was before the 30s or so? Yes. Guess our ages. Okay. We won't be offended. We've heard it all. We've heard it all.

We've heard it all. From one to a million. I would imagine you must be around 80 or so. Yeah. What do you think? I think you're getting warmer. Uh-oh, it's getting hot in here. When they walked in, I have to say, Scott, when they first walked in, I thought, I almost stood and said, thank you for your service in the Korean War to them both. And then I thought that might be

presumptuous presumptuous or like saying to a woman oh a baby's on the way and sure yeah it's one of the most insulting things you could do if you had said thank you for serving the Korean War I would have thought my son walked in here yeah but if you said thank you for being pregnant and I'm 85 I'd think nope that's just my hard belly oh so you're not pregnant I wasn't gonna say that nope it's just my hard old lady belly she only had a rock hard belly rock hard distended is it okay if I feel it is that I mean I'm asking I just want to make sure everyone knows that I'm feel it knock on it oh my god that is see

That is, well, that was a very fake sound. But yeah, that's exactly how it, the way it sounded is just how it felt. And it opens right up and I keep stuff inside. Look at that. That's some sort of trap door in there. Crazy. Like a marsupial's pouch. Yep, yep. You want to see? What do I got this time? Oh, can I guess? Yeah. Alarm clock. Polly Pockets. What is it?

Polly Pockets. It's an old toy from the 90s where you'd open up a little shell and she'd be inside there. So you're very old, but you refer to something from the 90s as being old. Yeah. Can I turn it over to you, lawyer? Thank you. Well, it's one of those really old toys from the late 90s. When I was 70, our mother forbade us to have toys until we were in our 50s. Oh, see. Okay. And boy, do we have fun. Oh, but we finally got those toys. Oh, we finally got to play with them. A stretch Armstrong. Oh.

A hoop and a stick. Somewhere around 1988, you finally got to play with toys. Yeah, Ball and Jack. Strawberry Shortcake. Cabbage Patch Kids. Yep, all of it. Flime. Floam. Fobo. Why are you here?

Yeah, I was going to ask. Okay, so you did like that interview question. Well, I thought in a way it was refreshing because it's like he opened a window and just this gust of air came in. Why are you here? You're two hoteliers. Speaking of opening a window. We're here to tell you we're opening up our house for service.

That's right, which includes windows. Doors, windows. That's a pretty good segue. And you will leave. Where do you go when you leave the house? That's a brilliant question. Exactly. Let's say I check in, and where do you guys go? We evacuate. You have, we evacuate. We evacuate our bowels. Then we do that first. I take a big dump, not to be confused with my name, and...

And then we leave. We leave. So you leave them with a dump. No, no, I flush the toilet. Of course it's in the toilet. We flush the toilet for each other. Of course we do. But the general environment is...

Is such that a dump has recently been evacuated. You can say that about any place. Yeah, everywhere you go is probably true. I guess so. So we evacuate. Of course, we have to stay on the premises, though, because in case anything goes wrong. Where do you stay? You stay on the premises in a guest house? Yes, exactly. You have complete freedom in the house. You have privacy in your own entrance. That's right. You have your own bed. You have your own front door and back door. And if you don't look out the back door, you won't see us.

Are you right outside the back door? We're right outside there. No, it's connected to the door and it's actually a room. Yes. In the house. So it's an adjoining room. Yes. So it's not detached. But there's a glass door in the kitchen. You can see right into it. That's right. It's separated. If it leads into, I'm sorry, but if it leads into another room, it's technically not the back door. It's a door that leads into, I'm sorry, but that's just the truth. No, no, no, I understand. Now you're the lawyer. People get confused about this a lot. They get confused about who's a lawyer and who isn't. What it is is there's a very thin strip

of backyard. It's a very thin, very thin, perfect grass. How thin? Like a Brazilian wax? Like a Brazilian wax and a pussy. Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. You said it first. Hold on, Skatricia. I didn't want to say that. You said it. He said Brazilian wax, but he didn't say pussy. You said pussy. Okay, an eyebrow Brazilian wax. Yeah, it's as thin as an eyebrow. Skat, I'm sorry, but for a 92-year-old woman, I find some of your language offensive. Well,

I've been on this earth long enough I can do whatever I want I feel like Stern the Right should use some salty language look you want to say anything I'm open for it wow you're sort of coming on to me that's the vibe I'm getting Scott hey take it as you will

My brother here likes to interpret everything I do as coming on. Not to him, of course. Never to me. But he thinks I'm a big flirt. You are a big flirt. You know that you are. I'm not. You've never been married? Well, no, I haven't. I've been married for 35 years. And he's still with her. Isn't that beautiful? Uh,

Yeah, well, I assumed when he said that he didn't just get divorced. Where does she live? She lives in her home. She lives in her home. Yes. And you two, you live with your sister. Well, of course I do. Okay. But you've been married. Have you ever consummated the marriage? Happily married. Have you consummated the marriage? You mean fuck?

Say it plainly, Conan. I thought I was talking to scat for a second. Look, we're folks, we've been on this earth a long time. We know when you say consummate, you mean fuck. That's right. You don't have time to mince words. No, no time. It's like a great comedian once said, you know, if you say the word consummate, that just makes me think the word fuck, so why don't you just say the word fuck? Who was that, The Bells? Huh? Louis C.K. That was Bob Newhart. Oh, I'm so sorry. You big Louis C.K. fans? Love his early stuff.

Not so much recently? No, yeah. Number seven. Ah, good clips. Good clips to us all. Good clips to all of you and to all a good clip. And good clips to you too and to all your family too. And God bless you and have you around. I still remember my...

I think I was the baritone in our four-person acapella group that would wander the Sacramento Mall and sing, dressed in, of course, Dickensian garb. Of course! I, as notorious power bottom Ebenezer Scrooge. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

But I still remember my baritone parts of all of those songs. I think we had a repertoire of probably 15 songs that we would wander around doing. And I still remember, and God bless you and have you a happy new year, which is the baritone harmony. I talked about this on another podcast. We got this with my friends. Well.

Where are you here? You won't be upset. With our friends Hal Lublin and Mark Agliardi, they have a podcast called We Got This where they settle – they try to determine –

you know, the, um, you know, settle arguments and determine the best of this, that, and the other thing. Right. And so we were doing an episode about, uh, uh, the best, the best songs for Christmas caroling, not the best Christmas Carol, but the best song for Christmas caroling. Right. Not the best Christmas Carol. Yes. Not the best person who played notorious power bottom Ebenezer Scrooge. That's right. Not the best part of the movie Carol that came out around Christmas time. Right. No, definitely not. Um, and, uh,

And I was reminded of when I was in high school and we did the, was it? I think it was Annie Get Your Gun. Annie Get Your Gun. That's right. The Squeeze musical. The Squeeze jukebox musical. There's a song in it called I Got the Sun in the Morning and the Moon at Night. I don't know that one.

I got sun in the morning and the moon at night. And so we, I was, my character was in the chorus for that. It's a whole big group number. And periodically I'll remember out of nowhere that we had to sing at one point, sun morning and moon night. Yeah.

That's all I remember. Sun morning and moon night. But the great Natalie Walker, who is a terrific actress. Yes, didn't you do a show in New York with her recently? I did, that's right. She guested on Spontanean Nation. You sang Shallow with her. We sang Shallow together, yes. She posted a video either last Christmas or a couple of Christmases ago. Last Christmas, she posted a video. That's right. She sang Shallow.

Just the alto part to her school's arrangement of that Mariah Carey Christmas song. Right, yes. I enjoyed that. And then, very recently, a bunch of kids did that on stage. They did just that part. Just the alto part? Yes, of the song, yeah. And I...

I love that. I think we did that on What I Did for Love, maybe, the chorus line when I was in choir in high school. I think it was like, gone, love is never gone as we travel on. That's beautiful. It really is. I don't even need to hear the rest of the song.

Did you, when you were in choir, did you, I mean, this is how you drum those melodies into you is you work with a piano player and they plunk out just your part and you have to memorize just your part. I...

Okay. I've, for years, and I still, because I still work with Eben Schletter and try, in order for me to learn harmony, I have to listen to it over and over and over again. Like I'm being brainwashed in a cult. Right. Yes. I have to, there's no other way. I don't pick up on them quickly. Right. And so Eben will like sometimes try to give me a note if we're rehearsing or something. Right. And he's like, that doesn't help me at all. Right. Yeah.

But it's, yeah. A pitch pipe sort of works for me. It is interesting, though, because if you hear it along with everyone else's part, it's very difficult to learn. Yes. So you just have to hear it. It's isolated. Like it's the melody of the song. You gotta keep them separated. Hey, hey. Oh, give it to me, baby. All right.

We're going to be counting down the top offspring songs. I think we just did. Numbers one and two with a bullet. Or with respective bullets. All right, we need to close this out. It's getting to be lunchtime for us. And it's the end of the episode for the rest of you. It's pretty fly for a white guy.

We are going to have two episodes next week where we count down the top six. On Monday, we will be counting down six, five, and four. And then on Thursday, the following Thursday, three, two, and one. What could they be? What could they be? Contact. Do you want to tell you right now? It's the feeling. You don't know. I keep these secret. It's the motion. You think I didn't hack into your fucking phone, bro? Woo!

Yeah, I'm a phone hacker, bro. Are you jacked into the mainframe? I'm jacked into the mainframe. Johnny Mnemonic? Yeah, straight face. All right, we got to go, but we will see you on Monday, New Year's Eve, for the rest or for the continuing part of our countdown, part three, from Paul F. Tompkins and myself. We... Maybe it's just too early in the game.

but I thought I'd ask you just the same. What are you doing? Two years.

All right, see you then. Yeah.

Thank you.

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