Best of 2018 Pt. 4
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Out of the frying pan into the fire. Your method of cooking leaves much to desire. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Charlie Murphy Brown for that catchphrase submission. Oh, Murphy Brown, R.I.B. Yeah, and Charlie Murphy, R.I.B. Oh, that's true. Wait, are you saying the character Murphy Brown has died? Yeah, I mean, her show's canceled, so maybe not officially, but... But I mean, were they planning on just...

They were planning on it being a big hit. I don't think anyone plans on doing something without going like, this is going to be huge. Well, I guess they thought it was a limited thing. Yeah, I mean, they limited it in the sense of they only ordered 10 or whatever, but they wanted more. Is Will and Grace, is the idea that that is just going to continue? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was such a big hit, and the Roseanne thing was such a big hit. They were like, yeah, let's bring back anything. And then Murphy Brown, they were like, ooh, no one likes this.

All right. See you. We'll check in with you in another 10 years. It's not quite the same thing, I guess. Murphy Brown. Also, I don't know that anyone liked Murphy Brown when it was out, right? It was very popular. It was popular. When it was first out? It was very popular. All those people have passed on. Yeah, they're all dead. With whom it was popular. They're all dead.

By the way, welcome to the show. This was mostly to get back at Dan Quayle. Welcome to the show. Yeah, I know. Oh, man, he's stirring in his hot seat there. Because he'll never be vice president again. But that show got brought back on the air. You think Dan Quayle could be president? Yeah, for sure. 100%.

Welcome to the show. This is Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2018 Part 4. If you haven't heard Parts 1 through 3, what the fuck are you doing with your life? I hate you! Get out of here! Get out of my dreams! And into my car!

Those are your choices. You have two choices. And I know you can't control the first. You have two choices. Get out of my dreams or get into my car. They're going to find you. You're going to be taken. Out of my dreams. Into my car. Into my car. Welcome to the show. I'm Scott Aukerman. Across the desk from me is Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. We bought a desk. You know that movie we bought at Zoom? This is like that, but with a desk. Far less interesting. Yeah.

But more compelling somehow. It is somehow more compelling. You know why? Because the drawers are filled with tiny zoo animals. It's true. They're alive but shrunken down. I think I knew someone or maybe I was dating someone whose friend told me the story that they were in San Francisco and they bought a desk with their significant – they were moving in with their girlfriend and –

They went out to a furniture store and bought a desk and they were so excited. They were moving in together. And when they went up to pay for it, the person behind the counter said, oh, the desk has been taken care of by that gentleman over there. And they look over and it's Joe Montana. And he's he's and he says, you guys are so cute together. And you remind me of when I got together with my wife that I just wanted to buy this desk for you.

I feel like this is a story someone told me at some point.

But someone with whom I do not speak any longer as they were perhaps a friend of a previous relationship or something. But I think that's a true – and if you're out there and it's you, we want to hear from you. How's Joe Montana's listening? Joe, hit us up. Buy us a desk. That is simultaneously the most and least romantic thing I've ever heard. Most from – in which side of it? Most and least from –

To buy a high ticket item like a desk. Right. Because we're, I mean, this must be $1,500 or something, you know? But also it's a, it's a boring thing. Yeah, I know. It's not like you're like, Hey, buy them a drink, which is kind of romantic. Yeah. Or dinner, like their dinners on me. And you look over, Oh my God, Joe Montana. Joe Montana. No, it's like, but he bought them like a $1,500 desk. And then he explained himself and it was, it was romantic. It is romantic, but it's, I don't know. I, you know what? Cause I'm picturing like the harsh, uh,

fluorescent lights. Harsh glare of the department store eye. Unless it was a candle at department store. It may have been. Which sounds beautiful. Sounds beautiful, but it is a fire hazard. Like if you go to Staples and it's lit by candles. Oh, it's just beautiful. They have like those old-fashioned gas lamps. Oh, yeah. You would love it. You would never want to leave Staples. You would love it. You would love it. The Murphy Group. I know you're 17, but come on.

I choose to believe it. And I think Joe Montana, is that who I'm thinking of? Because he's San Francisco. It's got to be him, right? From the 49ers? Yeah, from the 149ers. Yeah. Anyway, wonderful story. And I choose to believe it. And so I'm going to. But that couple, maybe not still together? Probably not. I mean, what are the odds? 50-50.

You know what I think happens? Because this sounds familiar to me now. I think Joe Montana. Familiar to me now. The islands. Familiar to me now. I think that Joe Montana was buying people desks as a gag. All day. And they were all. Was it part of a prank show? It was part of a prank show that never aired. Okay. Yeah. Right. It was Joe Montana's jack in the desk. Yeah.

So he was jacking it? No. Oh, okay. There was a puppet in the desk that was jacking it. Oh, got it. You'd open up a drawer and then a puppet would pop out. But they never picked up the pilot, so the puppets never popped out? Is that what? No. People did get those desks and they took them home. Oh. But here's what would happen. The camera crew would follow that. First, the camera crew was there, hidden cameras, watching Joe follow the desk. Then they have to follow him home. Follow the desk.

And then before the people go into their houses, they say, please, please, please. Can we just go in there real quick? Can we just like, yeah, let us just watch you open this desk. Well, they couldn't tip it off. Sure. They had to come up with an excuse to get into the home. Can we borrow some sugar? Can we borrow some sugar with you outside? Yeah.

And then they would put the Jack in the desk there? No, the Jack is already in the desk at the store. So what are they doing? Just setting up a hidden camera? They're setting up the cameras. Oh, got it. Yes. This is a good show. Why did this not get picked up? Well. Joe Montana's Jack at the desk. It was politics. Oh, yeah. It was politics. Yeah. Republican.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. There was a grain embargo from the... Tariffs. The empire. The empire from the Grand Moff. The Grand Moff himself stopped by and said, this show will not air. Well, I choose to believe that. I think Joe Montana is out there just buying desks for people. Yeah. Well, it's sad now because he's lost his mind. It's true. If you could be out there and buy a desk for someone, would you? Yeah.

What a question. God damn. If you could be out there and buy a desk for someone, would you? I'd do it. I like to think that I would. But am I ever going to be in that situation? I don't know. Are you ever going to be out there? I don't know if I'm going to be out there. If you could be out there and buy a desk for someone, would you? I mean, I'm in these streets for sure. Right, definitely. I don't know if I'm buying desks, though. I don't know if you're going to be out there, though. If you could be out there.

If I could be out there buying desks for people, would I? I hope so. I hope so. But I don't know. We have lost our minds by the fourth episode. If you don't know... Right on schedule. How Paul and I do this is...

You're listening to these over a two-week period. I hope. We tape them all back-to-back. People should listen to these back-to-back. Yes, with their loved ones, back-to-back. All of your loved ones stand back-to-back. And then you walk 50 paces. That's right. Turn around and fire. Turn and fire. Shoot yourselves. Shoot yourselves. Shoot each other. Oh, that's creepy. Shoot him. That's creepy. Shoot him. Yelling.

With squirt guns. Of course. That was close. Filled with bleach. Ooh. That was a thing. I feel like that was a thing the kids were doing. Squirt guns filled. Oh, to stain someone's clothes so that. No, I think to blind them. Oh. I was. I think it was an aggressive move. Did I just hear a computer? Kaboom.

I heard that too. I heard it. We both heard it. How could we hear that? How could we hear that, Sam? Donkey! Donkey! Oh, it was dunk back? Oh, can you imagine? I swear I heard a computer sound in here. He's doing his blanket gymnastics. Um,

So this is an exciting episode, Paul, because we are going to hear the top three episodes of 2018. Do you know what? When you told me that, I thought you were making it up to start. Just fucking around? I thought you were trying to sound cool. Yeah. And now that it's real, I can't believe it, and I feel embarrassed. Well, you should, but you should also feel excited because it's happening. And I feel honored to be here. Well, I am honored to have you. How many years have we been doing this together? Three. Three.

It's got to be more than that. We haven't been doing it all 10 years, have we? No, but close to. Close to, yeah. I think, yeah, maybe nine of the 10. Listeners, we want to hear from you. Text one for Joe Montana, two for 10. You know what? The top episodes of the year are always fun to listen to. The episodes are always fun to listen to because they're the ones voted on by you as the best.

And we accept your opinion over ours. Sure. We're spineless weaklings who can't make up their own minds about anything. So thank you, master. No, this is great. We had over 35,000 votes this year. I mean, that's a lot of votes for something that, I mean, more people listen to the show, but to actually like write down your favorite episodes of the year and then go and

That's as many as Donald Trump got in the electoral college. What? That's as many as Donald Trump got from the electoral college. No, he got like 290. 290 votes? Yeah. That's not a lot. No. You only need 270. Oh, no. Oh, no what? Yeah, he's president. Our system. Our system. Oh, no, our system. I know, it's crazy.

Hey, do you think there will still be an Earth by the time this comes out? Well, let's see. This is coming out on January 3rd or so. I think there might be an Earth. Not too much longer after that. Let me...

If there was some sort of thermonuclear devastation. Would these episodes still come out? Yeah. That we've pre-recorded? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if they're uploaded. Is there a system? Yeah, is it an automated system, Sam? Get off your phone and don't talk into the mic. Sam, you have to pay attention to us every single second. He's pointing again. Like Superman. Superman point. Do it with a Superman point. Don't get on mic, you motherfucker. Don't you dare. Don't you ever. This isn't throwing shade. This isn't Hollywood handbook. No, we're not going to make a stop.

We are a star out of you on this show. We aren't those men, hashtag. Those men.

But why were we talking? What did we ask, Sam? Oh, yeah. Is it automated? Like once these are all edited together, do they get pushed out automatically? I would imagine if there was a thermonuclear war that the internet wouldn't exist and so they wouldn't go out there. Well, but I mean like they're in some sort of cloud. They must be stored somewhere on some sort of – but I mean that's the whole thing about digital media is

is that they're only as good as the devices which we have to decode them. That's very true, man. That's very true, man. So it's, you know, and that's pretty much all recordings throughout time. I mean... You better call this the True Man Show. When they invented the phonograph record...

It's not like you own music. You own this piece of plastic. It's not the Onagraph record. It's not Adam and Onagraph record. It's Adam and Ponegraph record because I pwned you. So undoubtedly they'd be uploaded to some sort of machine that clickety clacks, but no one would have any way to retrieve it. Without a doubt. So really, what are we doing all this for? I don't know. I don't know.

It's fun to do while we do it. Scott, I think you fucking cracked it, dude. I mean, that's the only reason to do anything, right? It's fun to do it while we do it. Also to survive and to food and shelter. And to food. And to food and to shelter. To survive, to food, to shelter. But what kind of legacy will we have upon this earth? I used to think about that more. Really? Now you don't care? Now I don't think about it as much. Really? Well, now I'm convinced I don't have one, so. What do you mean? Yeah.

There's so much stuff. You create so much happiness in the world that when you retire, I'm not going to say when you shuffle off this mortal coil, but when you retire from show business, which I hope you never do. I think that you should. I don't think I'll ever be allowed to.

Personally, I think that you should, even if you had a nest egg that you could just say, you know, fuck it, I'm out. I think that you would be one of those people who just keeps doing it. You do it for the love. Exactly. You're the king of podcasting. You're on so many podcasts that I don't think anything could keep you away. What if podcasts stop happening? That's a problem. I'm done. You are done. That's it.

Well, I mean, look at you. You went from stand-up comedy. Look at you. Look at you, you piece of shit. You went from stand-up comedy, then you segued into writing and acting on television. True. Then you segued. There would be something new for you to get into. Oh, I hope Mobisodes were supposed to take off. Yeah, remember Mobisodes? I was going to do a show for the Motorola Razr.

That was a thing. We wanted to do that on Know You Shut Up, which was an episode that was optimized for Motorola Razr and just have it be a little square in the middle of the screen. Right. I remember those years when I was approached about creating content for phones. Oh, yeah. Which I guess all stuff is created for phones now. But this was back when people had like flip phones. Yes, exactly. And –

They were trying to say like, people are on their phones a lot. We're going to create content for phones, simply for phones. It was like when they wanted me to like – Simply for phones, dear boy. I think it was a particular phone company wanted me to create like stand-up based stuff because I was doing the show at the UCV, the stand-up show. Was it American Telephone and Telegraph? It may have been.

And they were like, look, Watson, we need you. Get in here. Come here. Did he say, I want you? Was it, I want you or I need you? I always thought it was, I need you. Very thirsty, Edison. Talk about a thirst trap. He invented the phone. He's the guy who invented these texting things. The original thirst trap.

Thomas Alva Edison. Meanwhile, you got... Alexander Graham Bell. Oh, that's right. Meanwhile, you got notorious power bottom Ebenezer Scrooge over here. Just going like, hey, hey, get up here. But yeah, I remember those years. And I remember the years before that at around 2001 or so when...

People were saying like, you got to come create some content for computers now and we're going to use flash animation. Come join us at Icebox. Yes, I remember that was one of the places. And everyone had left all of their jobs for regular television networks. Left their families. They didn't have to leave their families. No, they did.

though. That's for their contract. There were people. No, there were people like, I don't want, what the fuck do I need you for anymore? I'm going to write for the computer. I'm going to do this racist cartoon for the computer. But yeah, everyone left their jobs and they just went into these other jobs that were gone within a year. Yeah. Meanwhile, podcasting still standing. You mentioned on some podcasts recently that weird trailer park farm.

Trailer Park Park? Where you were doing that show with Bill Dwyer and Karen Kilgariff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember like... The Naked News. Yeah, Naked News. I believe Second City co-branded that. But it was like, there was some...

spate of radio, some like radio shows that people were doing. Like Greg Barron had a show and Beth Lapidus had a show. I wasn't at the trailer park for him, but I remember what you're talking about because I went to, yeah, I went to see, I believe Dave Anthony and Greg Barron performed their show. Right. And I was like, again, it was, it was a warehouse with trailers inside that everyone did radio shows on or something. It was weird. It,

It felt very ephemeral. Like you walked in there like this can't last. I guess I was impressed by the scale and I was like, oh, wow. And we were all pretty young. Well, the trailers were 100 feet tall. It was cool to see Dave and Greg have a – it was like a real job. Sure, it was. But yeah, the thing that I did was – it was in Santa Monica, which is the worst. But it was topical jokes that we had to write –

First thing in the morning. And especially we're on the West Coast, so we had to get up really early. We had to get up at five in the morning or something. Beat traffic, go out to Santa Monica, and then write topical jokes about four subject matters. The news, entertainment. The news. Sports. And what was the other one? I know there was a fourth. Religion. Writing religion jokes. Oh, my God.

This is in 1997 for MSN or MSNBC maybe. I think it was just MSN. Was it MSN at the time? It was MSN and it was the Second City Naked News. Yeah. And so it was me and Karen Kilgariff and Bill Dwyer and – Mike Nichols, Elaine May. Yeah, okay. All of us. Avery Schreiber. Rosanna Rosanna Dana. Yeah.

And we would write these jokes every day and we would write them starting at like, you know, 8 a.m. And then at approximately noon, we would try to write like two pages of topical jokes a day. At noon, we would read through them all. And then we would record them for this basic like it was a radio play with flash animation that people were supposed to watch, I guess. Yeah.

It was like for basic bitches. I do remember that Bill Dwyer had a leg up on his because he had such a funny delivery that even if the joke he wrote wasn't good, he would always add a tag that was such in his voice that we would always like the tag better than the joke. We go, all right, we pick that one just to hear him do the tag.

Fun times. 1997. Technically my first professional writing job. Thank you so much. Lasted a summer and then canceled. But you got in there. That's the important thing. That's the important thing is I got my foot in that door. Yeah. And it's still there. It's still there. Still going, hey, showbiz. And you're blocking the way for other people to get in. Oh, definitely.

If I can block 10 people a day from getting what I have, that's what I try to do.

It's a numbers game. Showbiz. That was fun, though. That was a fun summer. You were working on Mr. Show, and we would talk on the phone occasionally. Yes. From our respective offices. Yes. Fun times. 1997. That's when you used to talk on the phone. Yeah. Was that a weird thing to do? We would have...

hour-long conversations on the phone back then. Like, you and I. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So bizarre. I mean, normally, here's what would happen is, I remember this from 95 to about 98 or so. Um...

Around four or five o'clock in the afternoon, suddenly everyone would start making a round of phone calls to each other to try to ascertain where we were all meeting that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, hey, have you heard anything about where we're meeting tonight? I don't know who was making the decision on where we were meeting, but it was never me.

But it was always like, do you know where we're meeting? And someone would go, oh, yeah, Mary Lynn and CJ have a show over here on this night. So we're all going to meet there and go this place afterwards. If no one had a show, then it was – everyone would pick a particular bar for whatever reason it would be. Because this was right before cell phones. Yes. Before everybody had cell phones. Yes. And we all found our – And before – technically, I mean, the internet was still around. But I remember not really having – I would get one email a day –

Probably through 1998 or 1999 or so. You know, you turn on and the whole, you've got mail, was like, nowadays, can you imagine that? Like, of course I have mail. I get hundreds a day. Of course I do, you idiot. But at the time, it was like... Why do you sound so surprised? It was a lot like getting a letter in the mail. It was like, oh, wow. Like one a day, if that. Now imagine...

imagine if you had vitamins, imagine if you were getting so many letters every day that you had a stack, like you just, you're just like on the floor. And you're like, I got to get back to these people. It's like, uh, just throw this one away. I'm never going to get back to them. Not opening mail immediately. Like, what did I get? What's this? Ah, boy. But at the time, uh,

We had no way to contact each other. But we all found ourselves in offices. Right. So we all had phones. We all had phones. But I do remember even 90. We didn't want to do work. 95 to 96. I don't think some of us had jobs. So it would just be at home. I remember. Yeah. And you just call up people and you talk to them for a good hour or so trying to figure out and just saying what's what's up with them that day.

But we all, every comedian in this circle of friends met every single night and drank somewhere every single day. Yeah. Cat and the fiddle quite often. And it was, it was usually based on who had a standup set earlier in the night that we would all go watch and then find the bar next to it after that.

Fun stuff. It was fun stuff. But the communication trail is really the part that was exciting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems like the idea of talking on the phone for that long seems absurd to me now. That's how my wife and I got together is she called on the phone. You were a phone sex operator. And I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. When she met you. Yeah.

No, she called on the phone and I talked to her for two hours, I believe, on the phone. And I had only met her a couple of times and made plans to go out the following week. And that's how it happened, you know? The rest is history. It truly, and the future, I hope. The rest is the future. What if I get home and she's not there? And the rest is the future.

Oh, that would be weird. I heard the rest was history, so I left. She's not there. She's not there. Do you think that song would pop into your head? I think so. If I looked around, okay, it would take me a little time. I would have dabbed with it. Of course. And it would take me a little time to actually like accept that what was happening was happening. Like she really left. But then suddenly I think at that point it would pop in my head. She's not there. I'd be so mad. I'd be so mad if that popped into my head at the wrong stage of dabbed.

Yeah, at which stage are you talking about? On ad? Denial, anger, betrayal. I'm going to say. No, bargaining. I always mess up betrayal with bargaining. I think in the ABD. ABD. It's easy as. One, two, three. Paul. Yeah, Scott. I have to tell you.

That we have to get to the first clip on this countdown. Well, then I have to be gotten to it. I think we've been talking for over a half hour and have not gotten to the first clip. People like this, though. People enjoy this. People like this. Love to hear us shooting the shit. But let's get to it. Tell you what, we're doing the top three today. And these are important episodes. It's just how it is. This is just what happens when you do a countdown. And let's get to it. This is episode number three. Number three. Okay. Episode number three. I want people to know. Yeah.

These are the top three. That's it. That is it. There's not, we're not going to be like, oh, here's a few. Oh, we made them. There's not that. There's also like, oh, we made a mistake. This one's actually number one. This was actually number. This is it. This is it. This is the official order, by the way. And we're not going to do a bottom three either. Fuck. Would that be horrible? All the performers be interested. Knew that. Knew that. Oh, I did the least popular ones of the year. Look, I see those types of stats, but. I bet you do. Will you tell me off air? Uh,

No. Because I'm in them? No. You son of a bitch. Okay. This is episode 534. Okay? Still on the 500s. Still on the 500s if you can't believe it. This is an episode called Solid as a Rock. And the participants are... Do you know what? What? Solid as a Rock acronyms to SOAR.

I think that's beautiful. It's sar, actually. No, it doesn't. I just realized. Solid or a rock. Solid or a rock. Well, speaking of that song, you're going to hear it a few times.

The people involved are Paul Rust and Claudia O'Doherty from the television show Love. Sure. Paul is the co-creator of it and the co-star of it. And Claudia is one of the supporting characters on it. That's right. And for a few years, Paul and Gillian Jacobs, who co-starred on the show with him, would come and do the episodes. But I think she was...

doing a Broadway play or something. And so she could not come. She has some weird excuse. She did do another episode that is not in our countdown, um, which is a fun episode. But, uh, so Paul and Claudia are there at the top. Um, the first thing you are going to hear is look, Paul Russ, I've known for all of this preface. Look, Paul Russ, I've known for a long time. Um,

I've known him since probably like the first few months when he moved out here from Iowa. And he and Neil Campbell and Mike Cassidy, they all had their group together. And so I've known him a long time. Really a dear friend.

And what I love about Paul is – and if you watch the television show Love, I personally – did you watch it? I did watch it. I really enjoyed that show. And I thought it was so unique in the themes that it was discussing.

and certain things that got me frustrated about Paul's character were resolved by the end of it in a really interesting way. Anyway, I just thought it was such an artistic achievement and such great performances from Mitch and Claudia. So anyway, go check that show out on Netflix. It's not going away. They did three seasons. Can I point out one quibble? Yeah. And this didn't ruin the series for me, but it did give me pause early on because it happens early on. Okay.

There's a scene where Paul is gathered with some of the other people who live in his apartment complex, this condo world or whatever. Right. They live basically at the – What's it called? The Oakwood? Yeah, the Oakwood. Yeah, yeah. And Paul and Gillian's character have just embarked on this – Their relationship has blossomed. They've gone on a few dates or whatever.

And then so the guys are asking him, so what's going on with her and with you and her? And he says, well, you know, it's like a real Adam Baldwin, Meryl Streep situation. Adam Baldwin? I'm sorry. Oh, Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin, Meryl Streep situation. It's complicated. And they go, huh? And then he goes, it's complicated. And then they all laugh.

Now in real life. Yeah. People would roll their eyes. Basically the – basically whatever happens when I'm talking. Those people being – if they were those real people in real life –

Would say, what? No, let me tell you something, though. If those people were who they are in real life, because I've worked with most of those people. Sure. In a writer's room. I believe Mike Hanford was one of the friends. And who else was in there? I believe Dave Grober Allen was there. Okay. I've not worked with him in a writer's room. Steve. Steve from Freaks and Geeks. Yes. Bannos. Bannos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy who's so good who played the kind of dumb stuntman guy. Oh, yeah. He's great, but I don't know his name. I can't remember his name, but he's so good. He's really good. On commercials now. On commercials now. Yeah. But I thought it was with like all the people at his – who played in his band. No. Oh, it's just with the other people. Okay. Because those people would definitely laugh. Those people would love it. Of course, those people would, yes. Yeah. Handman would love it.

Handman would die for it. Handman would die for it. Anyway, what I was trying to say, though, about Paul's show. Yeah, I was trying to be funny, and I guess I'm the bad guy, so sorry. Yeah, I mean, it was not cool what you said about Paul. It was Nakul? It was Nakul. Ah, the Nakul are here. I recognize the delegate from Raku. Nakul. Yeah, it just happened. I know, but I was trying to think of the word delegate. And I was successful and pretty happy about it.

So about Paul's show is it's kind of a serial comedy because it gets serious. There's big issues. I'm not too ashamed to admit that I had a tear in my eye a few times. Oh, not me, man.

I'm sorry. I'm not a pussy. I'm stone cold. But so he's a – he has that side to him where he's a serious guy. But the thing I love about Paul too is he's like one of the silliest guys I know. He's very silly. And he was one of the Bang Bang Riders for the first three seasons. And –

So he's so silly. Anyway, so the first thing that we're going to hear is his recurring segment that he's done on the show several times called New No-No's, which is his parody of Bill Maher's New Rules. That's right. So we'll hear that. And then this is exciting. We have two people who are making their first appearances on the countdown in –

in position number three. That's impressive. This is Karl Tart and Ego Nwodim. Ego Wodim. Ego, what? Wodim. Wodim. Oh, okay. I said the N, but I should not have. And I said E instead of M. That's right.

I don't think that I've ever, like, I have known her just as Eggo for so long, I don't think I've ever had occasion to actually say her name. But that's good to know. It is good to know, and it's fun to know. It's fun to know. Wodum. Wodum. Wodum. Yeah. Wodum. Well, anyway, Eggo is, of course, now on Saturday Night Live. That's right. And Eggo and Carl have not been, Eggo made a big splash on the show. She has been on only for...

Maybe six months before she got SNL. So she did a handful of episodes, which are some of my favorites. And then Carl has been a writer on Brooklyn Nine-Nine and has not been available. I know. So they have not been on the show this year all that much. I know. I lost them for my show too. Yeah.

It's a sad, sad day when those guys got jobs. I know. I guess I'm happy for them. I'm not. But this is one of the last episodes they did before they left. And they are playing Bashford and Franklin, whom I mentioned previously. This is a wonderfully silly episode. I really enjoy it. This is your number three. Number three. Are you getting heated?

I'm getting heated. Are you getting cheesed? I'm getting cheesed. Is it time? This cheese is melting because it's heating up. Is it time for our favorite segment on this show? That's right. Is it time for... Start the clock. Start the clock. Good afternoon. Oh, man. It's time for some new no-no. New no-no.

Oh, boy. If you've never heard these before, this is where Paul gets some things off his ample chest. Yeah. I get a little steamed about stuff, and people like to hear it get off my chest. And you know this, the new no-no's. New no-no. Lunchtime. Oh, drag?

You know that annoying co-worker of yours goes into the break room, decides to cook something up, and it stinks real bad? I hate this guy. I hate... You know what? I got a deal for you. No, no, no. If you cook something stinky where I work...

I'm gonna cook something stinky where I live. Just sitting in my house, eating eggs, and there's nothing you can do about it. Oh, and the worst part? You don't even know it's happening. No, no, no! I eat stink! Yes! No, no, no!

Have you ever had people go, you want to look at a picture of my kid? Oh, man, I hate that. I've done that, yeah. Yeah, you want to look at, oh, okay, yeah. I'll look at a picture of your kid if you look at a picture of me dressed as your kid. And guess what? I already got it. Ready and loaded.

How'd you get the kids clothes? Shopping. I assume they're grown person size reproductions of the clothes, not the actual clothes. No, the same size. I twist, I cram, I fit. No, no, no. I twist, I cram, I fit. Yeah. Okay, look out. Ugh.

No, no, no. You know these people who slurp their food? So annoyed. Okay, you like slurping? Slurp everything. What? You gotta slurp chicken. You gotta slurp turkey. You gotta slurp ham. You gotta... No, no, no. Throat clearer.

They're worse than the slurpers! Okay, how about this? How about this? Every time you clear your throat, I pee in my pants a little bit. You're annoying. Dribble, dribble. Yeah, I'm just peeing my pants. And guess what? It's uncomfortable for me. Not you. No, no, no. You made me pee my pants tonight! Yes!

Anymore, my good bitch?

I don't know. I don't think the PC thought police will let me. No, come on. We're going to let you. We're going to let you. Restart that clock. Restart that clock. Start the clock. Don't spoil anything. Don't spoil anything. That's what people say all the time. La, la, la. Plugging my ears. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I'm going to spoil everything for you people. In the sixth sense, Bruce Willis is in it. Whoa!

Go back, rent The Sixth Sense, and give it a watch, because Bruce Willis is in it! No, no, no, Bruce Willis is an actor, and he plays a character in The Sixth Sense. He takes a shit in it, too. If you see it, if you can catch it. In the middle of the movie. Throughout the movie. No, no, no, my bad.

My bad. Oh, I'm so sick of this expression. My bad. My bad. Everyone uses it constantly. No, no, no. My bad. It's now my bat. Huh? And is it a baseball bat?

Is it a vampire bat? I'm not going to tell you. You'll have to find out when you say it and the person hands it to you. No, no, no. My bat. And then they give you a bat. So do we have to carry around bats to give to people when they say it? Check your lockers after the show, guys. Full of bats.

Any more? Express lanes. Oh, turn up that clock. Oh, my God. You go to the grocery store, what do they say? 10 items or less. 12 items or less. 10, 12, 8, 8. 15 sometimes. Okay, so if it's up to 15, let me get this straight. Okay, let me do the math. Does that mean I can bring in... Five? Five?

Yes. Does that mean I can bring in nine? Well, you could probably just breeze right through the line. Could I just bring in one? Yes. Are these real questions? Okay, deal. I'll bring in less than 15.

Great, that seems like a little work as well. You can also bring in 15, because it's 15 or less. Oh, but I can't bring in 16? No. Sure. You probably could bring in 16. I don't think they'd notice. I feel like this is less of a new no-no and you asking us how these lines work. How do these work? Okay. Low talkers, close talkers, high talkers. You've never seen Seinfeld? No, no, no. Watch Seinfeld. Double dippers. Yes, yes.

Spongeworthy. Social media.

Uh-oh, uh-oh. Casting a wide net here. I've had enough to hear. I think he's moved on. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. Snore, snore, snore. Oh, what's that app? That sounds good. Snore, snore, snore. Snore, snore, snore. Snore, snore, snore. There's four. You've got to write them even though you only say three. Whoa, I love that. I'm downloading that now. What? What's with social media? No, I don't want to look at a picture of your sandwich.

Okay. Maybe, you know what? You want me to eat the sandwich? Is that why you're showing it to me? Then I'll pretend to eat it. Every time I look at one of your sandwiches, I'll put down my phone and I'll pantomime holding the sandwich and spend 20 minutes at least eating it. Is that what you want? Are you done? Was that the end? The music faded out.

Fellas, put the toilet seat down. Yes! I agree. I agree. Thank you, thank you. Sorry, I had to get that off. I had a real bee in my bonnet. Good stuff. Really grinding my gears there. I'm allergic to bees. They are musicians and also geologists. Wow, what an exciting combination.

Please welcome Bashford and Franklin. How you doing? Oh, Scott, thank you for having us. Oh, you're quite welcome. It's my pleasure to have entertainers of any stripe here on the show. And you fit into that perfectly because you are musicians. But I think what's also interesting about you is you're also a geologist. So it's my pleasure to have you on and thank you for appearing. Thank you so much for having us, Scott. We're so happy to be here. Are you happy to be here? I am happy to be here.

I'm happy to be here, Bashford. I'm happy to be here, too. Okay, so you're Bashford. I'm Bashford. And you're Franklin. I'm Franklin. We are a married couple. Oh, you're a married couple. Yes. Oh, okay, that wasn't in your bio. It should read musicians slash married couple. We want to be known under our own merits. Sure. Oh, I see. Because you think people would judge you differently if they knew you were married? Absolutely. Why did you say it right off the bat then? This patriarchal society always gives the male more credit

in the workplace, behind the music board. So what you're saying is you think that Franklin wouldn't be given her due because they would assume that you just pulled her up into this business. Absolutely. But if you don't know you're married, then people will assume... We're equals. You're equals. Great, great. Much like Claudia and Paul over here. Yes. Oh, my God. Equals. Equals. Am I equal to you, Paul? I thought you were my boss. No, you're double me.

Ooh, double both. That's not it. Like W? W. W. Yeah, I just got the... It was sent to me in the mail this morning. I found out. Okay, great. You ever see that movie, W? Nah, God damn. Haven't. Can't say that I have. I saw that movie. I loved it. Did you really? I thought Josh Brolin...

Did a great job as George W. Bush. He did, didn't he? He did. Yeah. The spitting image. He endeared him in my heart because I was quite upset. You were upset at George W. Bush? Between the years of 2000 and 2008, I was quite upset. The entire eight years you were upset? The entire eight years I was in a tent. He didn't get out of bed. He didn't get out of bed. What did that do to your mental health? My God. Oh, that made it worse. Oh, yeah. Well, no. It was a byproduct of his mental health. Oh, my heavens.

But now I'm back. You're out of bed. You're on stage. Oh, yeah. And was it the movie W that got you out of bed? The movie W got me out of bed. Wow. Once he became a human to me and endeared himself to me. He's fine. He's fine. He loves baseball. He paints. He loves alcohol. He paints. Oh, he paints. Do you own any of his paintings now? No.

Yeah, we have a whole room. We have a whole room of George W. Bush paintings and all painted by Josh Brolin as George W. Bush. Wow, those are even more rare. Because there were only like probably 27 scenes where he was painting in that movie. Yep, and we have 26 or 27 of those copies. Who has the 27th? I don't know. I'm not exactly sure. Who do you think has the 27th? You got to track that down. I was some

I was somebody in, I think I saw somebody in Ghana had it. In Ghana? On Etsy. I was looking on Etsy. Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Scott, I love you. That might be George H.W. Bush. But so you guys are singers as well as, I assume you said musicians, but you sing? Yes.

Yes, we sing. We're both singers and songwriters. You sing, you duet on each one of your songs or do you take turns? Do we ever. We duet on each one of our songs because we only have one song. Oh, honey. Oh, let's duet. Oh, yes. Why don't you start it out for us? Wait a minute. You say you only have one song? We only have one. And you're going to do it now? And it's a cover. I don't know that we're set up for this. Do you need the music? No, I don't need it.

Do we have access to the music? We can do it acapella. We can do it acapella. Let's do it acapella. All right, go ahead. You start us off, baby. Your name is first. You don't even know who starts? You want me to take your part today? Yeah. Okay. How about I just start at my line when I come in? Okay, baby.

There was no time to play. We built it up and built it up and built it up. And now we're solid. Solid as a rock. Honey, I did the Barack version. You did the Barack version? You said solid as Barack. Oh, my God. Let's take it back. Okay. I'll start from my part again. Okay. So wait, you guys are doing a cover of Solid as a Rock. Yeah.

But you forgot and it was solid as Barack. Okay, so now you need to start over. I just want to be on the same page. Yeah, get on that page, Scott. It's page 68. Oh, hey, right before my favorite one. And five, six, seven, eight. There was no time to play. We build it up. Build it up. And build it up. And now we're solid. Yeah.

Solid as Barack. Did you say Barack again? What? I don't know. What keeps getting into me? All right. I was looking at your lip. I was reading your lips, much like George H.W. Bush. Solid as Barack.

We have our political differences. I will say that. Oh, really? What are your differences? I like Barack. And I like Michelle. Not that different. So you liked the first lady. You both supported the administration. And I liked the first man. Right. But still, you have to like the other one. You like the other person in the marriage, right? I have no qualms. Bo, the dog? Bo. Bo. They had a dog named Bo? They did have Bo. Sasha and Malia?

I liked Sasha. Michelle's brother is the basketball coach at Oregon State University. Good bit of trivia. So you guys feel like you have big political differences. Huge. We did not get along. You know, the other day we got into a fight over our political differences. I stayed in bed for weeks. He wouldn't get out of bed. I said Michelle was fine. I said she was fine. He wouldn't speak to me. He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't look.

One look, one speak. One look, one speak. I close my eyes and shut my mouth. Close his eyes and shut my mouth. But now we're solid. Solid as... Barack, right. Can I ask you guys a question? You say you're musicians. Yes. We don't say. We are. We are. You are musicians. Yes, we are. But you only...

halfway know one song. What? You don't even know who starts it. You can't even get the lyrics right. And it's not your song. You didn't write it. We didn't write it. And that's why we don't know who starts it. Okay, sure. But it's a cover that we use and we go around the town and every time we do a dig in, we sing this song at the dig site. It's like a coronation of the dig. Oh, I see. Okay, which brings us to the geologist part of it. Yes. So you guys are geologists. You're scientists. We are.

We are. You're married geologists as well. We're married. We're geologists. And we sing. But we don't tell anybody that we're married on the digs. Really? Because, see, in our patriarchal society, I don't believe that she will get the credit for being a better digger than I am. I am a better digger. I am a better digger. He's an okay digger. I'm an okay digger. Okay. Well, you guys obviously know what you're talking about because geologists call each other diggers all the time. Mediocre diggers.

That's my digger. Okay. I wasn't going to say that. You were thinking it. You were thinking it. You were thinking it, and yes, that's my digger. Okay, look. Look.

Guys, how did you get into the science of geology? Well, I got into it because I was studying communications at University of Wisconsin Oshkosh. Not Bigosh. Not Bigosh. Just University of Wisconsin Oshkosh. That's a community college. Okay. Yes. What's the mascot there? Overalls. Overalls? Just overalls?

Just like a sentient pair of overalls? A sentient pair of overalls. They walk around town. They go to the basketball games. Every time they lose, they unbuckle. Is like the flap of the overalls like the mouth? Yes. And it talks. Right. Okay, good. Go Oshkosh. Go Oshkosh. Not Bigosh. Not Bigosh. Right. And something was weird under the ground of my dormitory.

And so I began to dig and dig and dig. Tell them what you found, baby. I found a pot of gold. What? How could you tell what was weird about it? You know, every time I walked, I'm so glad you asked, Claudia. Every time I walked, I walked over the carpet and there was always a hump.

In the carpet. And I was on the ground floor. I said, why is this hump in my ground floor? So I took a box cutter and I cut open the carpet. And then I saw that the ground under it had shifted. Okay. Was it concrete underneath? Concrete. But it was broken. Oh, it was broken. Okay. Yeah. Oh, interesting. The concrete. So it was carpet on concrete. It was carpet on top of concrete. A very hard floor. There's probably a carpet pad under that as well. None. No carpet? No carpet. Just carpet? What? This is the first time.

I'm just getting, by the way, that you're singing Solid as a Rock and you're geologists. I'm catching up to that right now. Twist. This is like when I found out that Bruce Willis was in The Sixth Sense. Ooh, spoiler. Don't spoil things. What a twist.

Scott! Don't spoil things. I haven't seen that movie. So how did you dig into the concrete? I took a spoon. Oh. Like prison style. Like Shawshank Redemption style? Like Shawshank Redemption style. Did you know that Bruce Willis was in that? No, I didn't. Stop spoiling movies for me. I'm sorry. Is that a normal tool for a digger? In prison? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So wait, you weren't in prison though? I wasn't in prison. I was in college. They hadn't imprisoned you in this college. No, no, no. I could leave and go as I... But they did put you out.

you out for breaking the floor of the dormitory. They put me out of college. But at this point, you have a pot of gold. What do you need college for? Exactly, Scott. You caught right on. So was it, had a leprechaun left it there, or was it literally in a pot? It was in a pot. Or was it as much gold as could fit in a pot? It was in a pot that you would use to cook oatmeal or some other hot breakfast cereal. Molotov meal perhaps. Like a hot pot? A hot pot. And it was in the pot. It had a handle. Not to be mistaken for a crock pot. Not to be mistaken for a sock hop. What?

Not to be mistaken for a hot block. I will not mistake any of those things for each other. Sometimes the block is hot, isn't it, baby? Sometimes the block is hot. So you have this pot full of gold. Did you ever find out whose it was? I didn't, but the pot stayed hot. And when I saw it, I said, the pot is still hot.

So then how did you get into geology, if I may ask, Franklin? You see, I was living below him in the dormitory. What? So this is on the second floor? She lived in the basement. Oh, okay.

So you dug into the floor, but it was really your roof. Yes. And you see, I was bleaching my hair and I started getting concrete in the dye. I stomped upstairs. I said, what is the big idea here?

Right. And were you, I have to ask, is this pot of gold, was it your possession? It was. It was mine. It was mine. And this is news to you, but this is news to me. Spoiler alert. Stop spoiling our love. Twist. I put it in the ceiling. I put it in the ceiling because I thought it would be secure. People always put things

But no one ever looks up. Yeah, it's like that movie Taken, if she had hid up on the ceiling, she wouldn't have gotten dragged out. Please don't spoil it. Oh, I'm sorry. Liam Neeson is in it, though. Also that movie 54.

The boss of Studio 54 hid all of his tax evaded money in the roof. Mike Myers. Mike Myers. Yes, Claudia. Yes. Come through. Come through. Come through, queen. Yes. Yes. So. Yeah, I went up there. I said, what's the big idea? I'm trying to dye my hair. And then I said, this man, this man is solid. Well, Scott.

I beg your pardon, but I just felt like you were leading us there with that dramatic pause. Do you sing, Scott? I've been known to carry a tune. Oh, you're carrying it all right. Straight to hell. Look. Hey, you guys only know one song. Oh, but we sing that song. But we sing it to the skies and heaven. And it's on tune, on key.

Upon pitch. All right. I said, this man looks solid. At that time, I had been lifting a lot of weights. I was on the Oshkosh football team. Oh, okay. So you guys got into a fight, but then you said you were solid. I said he was solid. He looked me dead in my eyes and said, What color are you dyeing your hair? I said...

Blonde. And I said, that color is solid. Solid as a rock. Oh, my God. Okay, so you thought he was solid, but that didn't lead you into the song. It took you. No, it didn't. It didn't. It was just a moment. It took him thinking that your hair color was solid. We looked at each other. You know, from that moment, I haven't spent a day without him since. Really? Not even one day? Even all those days in bed? All those.

She came in and watched me. She sat at the foot of the bed. I said, I said, I'm not going to do anything until you do something. It's going to be a while. So how long ago was it that you met? It was pre-2000. It was 1934. Wow. Oh, you guys are old. We are quite old. We are quite old. I had no idea. You look incredible. Yes, black doesn't crack. But I tell you what does. What? Rocks. And the floor. Rocks.

number three so good oh boy I love hearing those guys laugh through their appearance and we're all having a great time it was a great episode that was really fun and I think because it's called solid as a rock and they sing it so many times I think also a lot of people voted for it because I mean it's a great episode but also very recognizable title very recognizable I knew exactly what it was just

All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, we're going to be doing the top two episodes of the year. Paul, what could they be? Don't even guess. Don't even guess. Do you really want to? Yeah, I really want to. What do you got? Better not tell you now. All right, let's hear it on the other side. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang. Wouldn't it be great if you had a machine that...

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Head to squarespace.com slash bangbang for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code bangbang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash bangbang. Offer code bangbang. Comedy Bang Bang. Back here, Best of 2018, part four. And it is the new year. It's the new year. It truly is. Welcome to 2019, Paul. 19! No, no, no, 19. 19.

The Quervo Go 2019. The fine guy. The man. The wonderful thing. Steely Dan. Steely Dan. The fifth character. On Comedy Bang Bang. New York City, of course. Yes. I'm sorry. New York City's fifth character. Oh, okay. Steely Dan's. Yeah. They're number six on the call sheet. That's right.

Collectively, though. You, me. Walter Fagan and, no, Donald Fagan and Walter Becker are not separate there. Walter Fagan's also there. And Fagan from Oliver. Fagan from Oliver. He's one of the power bottoms, I believe. New York, and then Steely Dan. I think so. Welcome back. We are counting, we're up to the top two. You've got to be a bottom or two. Oh, Bill Sykes.

Bill Sykes. Bill Sykes is a top. He's a top for sure. He's a top. He's a top. Let's go through all the details. We did that on a previous episode. As many as we can remember. All right. We got to get to this countdown. We got to get to this countdown. Don't we? I mean, what are we waiting for? I think we owe it to the audience. We owe it to the world.

Um, let's do it. Let's go to, this is your episode number two. Number two. All right. Episode number two. Um. Now this has to be better than the previous episode. It's gotta be right. But not as good as the next one. Yeah, exactly. All right. So this is episode 543. I just want to preface this by saying. Yes. If I'm not on this episode. Oh boy. Here it comes. I'm going to be furious. Yes.

Hulk mashup? Well, we'll see. Okay. This is episode 543, so... We're still in the 500s. That's good. Okay. This is an episode called The 9th Anniversary Show. Paul, you are it! Oh, that was a close one.

Please don't say that before our next episode, by the way. What? No, never mind. Let's see. Okay, this was our ninth anniversary. We started this show back in 2009, about April 30th or May 1st. I can't recall what the first one was, but one of those days.

And this is nine years later. We did episode 543. Let's talk about who came. First of all, let's talk about who came to the episode that we do. First of all, those men, Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport, were recording their own show.

Um, and we're leaving. And I said, Hey, come on over and do the top of our show. Don't, don't stay the whole time, but, uh, do the very top of our show. And they were nice enough to do that. So they, uh, nice enough not to stay the whole time. Yeah, exactly. Thanks guys. Uh, but we have PFT over here, Lauren Lapkus, Sean Diston, Zeke Nicholson, Ego Wodim, and Wodim, sorry. And Madeline Walter are all here now. This here's okay. Uh,

This is the ninth anniversary, and I wanted to shake it up a little and have some of the recent people who were doing such a good job on the show. The Ripple. The Ripple, yes. So, you know, you got Sean Diston playing Rudy North, who...

made such a big splash. Zeke Nicholson, who's been a great recent addition to the show. Eggo, who had been on for maybe six months at this point or nine months. And Madeline, who is another great performer who I lost to Brooklyn Nine-Nine as well, who has not been able to be on the show in nine months or so while that fucking show goes on. Didn't that show get canceled? Yeah, it did. What is this? What are we doing now? There's no rules anymore? Yeah.

It's like a real Hogan family situation. Valerie, then the Hogan family. So this was, this is a really fun show. We all got together and these, these anniversary shows are like just big, you know, fun, you know,

goes types of episodes where everyone is talking and trying to talk over each other. And I put out the invite to a bunch of people and see who can come. And, uh, I I'm always blessed with a wonderful turnout. Um, so this one, and this one was really great to me because of course, you know, I had to have, uh, you and Lauren there, um, as, uh, cornerstones of the show. Uh,

But even Lauren was a new addition for maybe four years ago. She was one of these new people. So that's what I'm trying to always bring new people into the fold and get new performers on. And you're trying to push older people out. Yes, out the door. I'm keeping that door open in show business. Get on the ice flow, Grandpa. Yeah.

So this one was fun for me because it had a lot of the new people, a great mix of the old people and the new people. So let me tell you what we're about to hear. Now, in the episode previous to these clips, you and Lauren...

Are playing Emily Grandchildren and Dirk Nasty. And you are, you work for the RC Cola Corporation who owns my show somehow? The RC Cola Corporation owns Scripps, which owns Midroll, which owns Comedy Bang Bang. Which owns Comedy Bang Bang. So you're here from corporate on my ninth anniversary to check out the show and see if I'm doing a good job. Yes. So that happens before these clips. And then- Oh.

But it was good. I'm sure it was good. You can only pick out so many things. Yeah, not good enough for a clip. Okay. Come on.

Um, but then we talked to, uh, Rudy North. Now we heard Rudy North earlier in our countdown in his first appearance. And, uh, he had one in between that and this and his, uh, his catchphrases are evolving and he is coming up with, uh, new stuff. So, uh, this is when we find out he's in the speed force, right? Yes. And by the way, if you're, if you don't know who Rudy North is, don't worry. He recaps his character every time he appears. Uh,

So we didn't. Yes, we do find out about the speed force in this one.

Um, and then, uh, in between that clip and the next one, uh, Zeke Nicholson playing Kiwi Chris comes by. So if you hear an Australian character, uh, or something that sounds like it's trying to be an Australian character, that is Zealand, New Zealand, right? That is Kiwi Chris. Um, and, uh, uh, we have Ego, uh, playing Entree P. Neuer is, uh, the character that she debuts. And a lot of people, uh, really want Entree P. Neuer to come back along with, I believe she mentions her brother, uh,

Oh, yeah. So we're going to see what we can do about that if I can get Ego to come in here whenever SNL is not around. So we're going to hear... Yeah, SNL is not around. It's not around. Where'd SNL go? I don't know. It's not around. It just disappeared. It's not there. It's like a bit of 43-year... Yeah. No explanation. Just one day it's like...

It's March. Shouldn't SNL have come back from break? Right up to the live show on Saturday. So they're working on a show all week. Right. And then when it comes time for Saturday, no one's in the building. No one's there. And the cameras are gone. And everyone's like, where'd SNL go? Yeah. I don't know. SNL's not around. SNL disappeared. I would love that. I'd like it too. Well, it's just so weird.

Yeah. What? What's weird about it? That it's just been there for so long? What do you mean, what's weird about it? You know what's weird about it. All right, I know what's weird about it. I just want to hear you say it. Well, because there's not many other live shows besides, like, the news. You know what I mean? Football.

That would be another weird one. It just suddenly is like football. We're building up to the... Are you ready for some football? Well, sorry. And then no, the teams aren't here. We don't know where they are. They're not here, man. Teams not here, man. I like every show should be live, I think. Agreed. Agreed to disagreed. All right. Let's hear these clips.

These are some really fun ones. Of course, we can't play the entire episode because it's like two and a half hours. Just do it. Let's hear these clips, though. This is your episode two. Number two. Our producer is handing me a sheet here, and everyone is a surprise to me today. So let's see who we have here. Oh, well, this is very exciting. It reads here, fan favorite...

He's been on the show several times, but only recently. Yeah, that's right. Only in approximately the last five, six months. Yeah, he's catching on quick, this guy. Yeah, Rudy North is here. Rudy North, professional employee, Rudy North. Professional employee and fan favorite. Scott, I need to get this out of the way, right? Oh, really? You don't want to meet our other... Oh, I'll get to these two in a second.

Okay. But you have to get something off your chest, Rudy. Welcome back to the show. Thank you, Scott. No time for formalities or pleasantries, though. I gotta get to this right away, Scott. You gotta get to it. Okay, let there be no more dalliances, please. Scott, let's go ahead and do a recap previously on Comedy Bang Bang. I am a dirtbag. I...

Life swapped a guy, took his job at Postmates. Got fired for Postmates for punching people in the throat. Right. Then I life swapped a guy at Target, took his job at security. Right. I got fired for punching people in the throat. Right. Then at the end of the last show, I took Engineer Cody's job. We had a life swap. He's no longer here, dear Wolf. He's no longer here, but I haven't seen you around. I was immediately fired.

Oh, okay. I punched Engineer Brett in the throat. Oh, no. Brett, is that true? Don't get on that. Yeah, you've noticed. He can't talk anymore. His throat is fucked up. Oh, is that why? Oh, my gosh. You've been gesturing the please give me the Heimlich line.

He does that a lot now. It's a comfort thing for him. Yeah. It's like a thunder blanket for a dog. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay, so that catches us up? Yes, that catches you up. Because as far as I recall, you were also a magical being who- That's not important, Scott! Scott, I'm here to talk about my employment, and Scott, I got a new job. You got a new job? That's right, Scott. Okay. Well, I was fired from Earwolf, of course. Of course you were, yes. Of course. All right. Now, I was walking through a park-

Just the other day? I was walking through a park just the other day. Okay. And there was a guy, I heard this sound and it was loud. Describe the sound, please. The sound, it was loud. Okay, well sounds are normally varying volumes. It was loud. So this was at the upper end of the decibel scale? It was a tonal sound. Oh, okay. So the tone, it was like a tone. Can I give you an example of what it sounded like? Yes, please. It sounded like this.

That kind of sound. So sort of like... Singing. It was like singing, but it was coming from an engine, a motor. And I walked over to it, and I saw a man holding a leaf blower, Scott. Okay, this is very confusing. Let me try to figure this out. You heard a sound like singing. Yes. It was coming from a motor. A motor? In a car? No, it was a leaf blower, Scott. Oh, I think I know what's going on here. And correct me if I'm wrong. Was this a Flintstone situation?

Where the leaf blower was a living creature. Like a dinosaur of some sort. You know what? If this was prehistoric times, it might have been. But this was current times. But this was current times. We had the machines. Can I ask you a question? You noticed it was from a motor before it was from a leaf blower?

I have a keen sense of hearing, Scott. Oh, okay. Based on my time on this earth. Yeah, but you heard it and it was singing. Based on what? I'm sorry? Based on my time on this earth. Okay. Oh, okay. But I heard it. It was a singing. We've all had time on this earth. Yeah, that's right. So why should yours be any more keen? My hearing's very good. Yeah.

I'm very old, but we don't have time to get into this. Oh, that's right. You're hundreds of years old. I'm hundreds of years old. Scott. Yes. I punched this guy in the throat. The guy holding the leaf blower? Yep. Took his leaf blower. Okay. Took his job. Took his life. Okay. What was his job? Leaf blower. Oh, okay. I thought that might be something he was doing on the weekends. No, no. He's a leaf blower. He's... Okay. And he works for the city of Los Angeles. Okay. Scott.

I'm happy to say that I'm a happy employee for the city of Los Angeles. I'm a leaf blower. Oh, my gosh. Congratulations. Thank you. I appreciate that. Rudy Norik, you finally have... I found a job. ...what could be a career. Now, Scott, a lot of people... Now, you...

You're calling it a career, and I appreciate that because a lot of people look down on leaf blowers and they say, is that even a job? It's very easy. Well, I would assume no one would do that unless they were getting paid for it. Well, yeah. Or they were trying to do the upkeep of their own property. But Scott, I say being a leaf blower is akin to being an architect.

Okay, how do you mean? Like, I'm trying to think of architects that I've met. Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady is the only famous example of an architect. Frazier. Frazier was an architect? I think. Caroline in the City.

She drew buildings. She drew buildings? She did draw buildings. Wait, was she a cartoonist? Yes. Ted Knight from Too Close for Comfort. He also drew buildings. Okay. I feel like Frasier was a call-in radio host. I feel like he might have been. But I might be wrong. I don't know anything about Hollywood. Frasier Crane? Your last name's Crane. You don't work with them? Oh, shit. You know what? He was an architect.

I'm a little confused by the sound that this leaf blower made. All right, you want me to do it again? Yeah, well, no, but it sounds like a human being singing. Well, Scott, I'm not... That was pretty good. Oh, we were sneezing. Oh, that was a sneeze? Bless you. It's one of the things that caused us to work together, we realized, around the office. Oh, got another one. We both...

You instantly harmonized. Wow. Did we? I got a good ear. I couldn't hear over my own sneezing. I was sneezing. I guess any two different notes are harmony in a certain chord. Hey, you're the music expert, Scott. I'm just the leafboard expert. I guess Scott's criticizing how we sneeze. I'm not.

I'm not criticizing at all. I'm merely, I was more criticizing what Rudy said. Well, hold up. Don't criticize. If you're going to criticize anything, criticize these nuts. My dear fellow. I'm just saying, Scott. Wait, did you say that because your nuts are critter-sized? Those are as big as possums. I got big nuts, and if you're going to critter-size anything, you got to criticize my nuts.

Now, Scott, you're not respecting me, Scott, because I'm telling you that leaf blowing is hard. Don't punch me in the throat. I'm not going to punch you in the throat. All right. Dirtbag's handshake. I'm not going to punch you in the throat.

Now, Scott. Were you a genie or something? No, I was not a genie. Now, yes, I might have a similar voice to a genie that might have appeared. Don't we all? Don't we all have similar voices? I know I sound like a genie. I sound like many people. But I'm trying to... You always come in here and you say we never have time to talk about your backstory. I'm worried we're getting into the, you know...

the intricacies of leaf blowing when I'm really interested in the... How could you be interested in leaf blowing? You're immortal. Okay, Scott, I'm immortal. I wasn't born into a human body. I was born in 1600. These are things that we all know. Can we talk about leaf blowing? All right, go ahead. Scott. Look, it's your show. I don't think you understand. It's his show. I'm already... It's your time. It is my time. The floor is yours is what I mean to say. Thank you, Scott. This forum is mine and I want to talk about the importance of blowing leaves.

The importance of it. Yes. Now, where do they go? Oscar Wilde. The importance of blowing leaves by Oscar Wilde. Where do they go? Anytime I see someone blowing leaves around, I'm like, it's like when you go in, there's an air dryer in the public restroom. Where does the water go? Where does the water go? It's just like flicking it around, you know, onto the floor. It evaporates. Yeah, in that situation, it evaporates. But with leaves, isn't it very... So do leaves evaporate? Can't you just...

Absolutely. See where the leaves go? It just seems like they're just flying around and then it's like, well, they're no longer on my property anymore. They're on someone else's. Yeah, my job is to get leaves off of sidewalks and get them onto people's shoes and faces.

And to sort of get them so that people can walk down the sidewalk and be like, wow, this is clean, but ooh, it smells like mulch. There's bugs everywhere. And somebody sort of swished around all this dirt with air and didn't really do anything. Right. I mean, so you're just like blowing leaves onto someone's face so they look like Gene Simmons in his kiss makeup or something? That's my favorite thing to do.

Blowing leaves on people's faces so they look like Gene Simmons in the Kiss makeup. Scott, you should be a leaf blower, man. I'm very happy in my current position. Yeah, you know what? I don't know if you have the skills to blow leaves. Yeah, what are the skills involved? I mean, it seems like you pick up a thing and then you point it at something. You have to turn it on. Is that about it? You've never leaf blown before, Scott? I don't believe I ever have, no. That was some expert shit right there. I mean, damn, so you pick it up and then you turn it on?

You're pretty good, Scott. And then you point it. You know what? Man, leaf blow is pretty easy. Yeah. I mean, it's a very low-paying job. I mean, I'm sure there are people out there. I mean, I don't think there's anyone out there listening to podcasts while they leaf blow. I think it would be impossible. No, no, that's crazy. So, you know, I don't think I'm insulting anyone. No, no, no. But it's a very low-paying, low-wage job that, you know, people don't want to stay in for a long period of time usually. Can I ask you a question, Scott? Sure. How much money do you make?

That's a good question. This is interesting. Has anyone ever asked you that before? Yes, I'd like to know this as well. Here's the problem. When you're in show business, jobs come and go. It fluctuates so much. Give me an average of the last three years. Of the last three, I would have to take a look at my tax returns. I don't have them easily accessible to me. You can't even keep track of it. This is interesting. Well, that is interesting. This isn't a rude question. I feel like this question is a normal question. You put the rude in Rudy North, my friend. Funny rhyme. That's a funny rhyme.

That is good. Quite good. How much money do you make? Well, I mean. What are we paying you? You guys should have this information more than anyone. We do. We just want to know how you interpret it. In dollars. In dollars.

Oh, okay. Wow. You in trouble now, Scott. Interesting. Wait, Rudy, what are you talking about? Making a note of that. Look, Rudy, why are you here? Not to quote the Beastie Boys, but why are you here? Supposed to be pretzels. Supposed to be pretzels. I did want to tell you about my new job, but I did have some other news I need to deliver to you, but then we can move on and we don't need to talk. Okay, this is news about yourself or news about me? It's kind of news about myself, but it's news about everybody. Okay. Okay.

Scott. I'm sorry. Everybody in the world? Or everybody here. Everyone who's ever existed. Ever existed? The dead? Yeah. Look, Scott. From the first caveman that took a lightning strike to a tree branch and decided like, oh, that keeps me warm.

He's affected too, Scott. Oh my gosh. The first caveman that took a lightning strike to a tree branch and said, oh, that keeps me warm. You guys think that's a weird question? I got it. Scott, your actual name is Slot Ackerman.

We're living in a Flashpoint-esque scenario where I've traveled back in time and changed details. And you've altered the future? Yeah. Little details have changed in everyone's lives. Like the buttercream effect? It's like the buttercream effect, Scott. Oh, no. So, yeah. Your name is Scott now. It's Scott now, but it used to be Slott? It used to be Slott Ackerman. I don't know quite how to feel about that. What was my name, dirtbag? Oh, your name was Mrs. Grandkids.

Mrs. Grandkids, not Miss Grandchildren? No, it was Mrs. Grandkids. What was my name? Oh, your name? Dick Thirsty. I'll stick with Dirk. Okay, yeah. Okay, but was Miss Grandchildren married to Stephen King in the previous? She was married to Stephen Prince. Stephen Prince? Yeah. Yeah.

Scott, I don't really want to explain all the differences. Was Stephen King's name Stephen Prince before? Or was it a totally different person? When you go back that far in time...

It's hard to kind of predict the outcomes. So, yeah, it's hard. How far back did you go in order to change all this? I went back before humans existed. Whoa, the primordial ooze. I think you have a lot of other guests, Scott, and I feel like we shouldn't really get too far into this. How did you achieve it? Because as far as I know, you're just an immortal. Oh, yeah, I can run really fast like the Flash. Yeah.

Just like the DC Comics Flash. Okay, so you can't time travel in terms of just like if you wanted to. You'd have to run really fast. I run really fast. You ran backwards in time. I have the same powers as the Flash. Every single power? Yep. I can phase through stuff. I can also make duplicates of myself when I vibrate really fast. Okay. Can you bring other people into the Speed Force and have them experience? Yeah. I would love to experience it. You want to talk to the Speed Force? Yeah, let me get in there. All right, hold on.

Oh my God, that was amazing. Yeah, that was pretty crazy. That was like three years we were in there. What did you say to the speed force? What?

I don't know. We just, it didn't talk back. So I just. Yeah, he said a lot of stuff. But Scott, we had a lot of fun times in there. That was really fun. I feel like, I mean, you're my best friend. I love you, Scott. For the last three years. How long were we gone? Was it like two years? Why are you guys still here? I can't believe it. It was. Oh, we've been. The time stopped over here, I guess. It was just like a millisecond to us. Oh my. Oh my gosh. That's right, Scott. Rudy and I have experienced so much. He told me his whole backstory. I learned everything about him. Now, Scott. Now,

Now that you know the backstory, let's not start telling people. It's boring to me now. It's boring, right? I don't want to hear it. I'm so much embarrassed. I don't have any information about them other than their name, but please welcome to the show Entree P. Neuer. How you doing? Hi, Entree. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Call me by my full name, please. Entree P. Neuer? Yes. My mother didn't name me Entree P. Neuer for nothing.

Okay, I beg your pardon. I guess it's a custom in human beings to only call someone by half their name? Well, I'm not like other human beings. I'm an entrepeneur. This must have come up so many times in your life. I'm not sure why you're so upset about it right now. Because I'm hot, all right? I'm hot. You're coming in hot here. I'm coming in hot. It's hot outside. I'm hot inside. Okay, it's so nice to meet you. I'm Scott. I'm the host of the show. Good to meet you. We've never met before. Scott Lester.

Last name at a little initial. I beg your pardon. Scott David Aukerman. Scott David Aukerman. Good to meet you. Okay. This is Kiwi Chris. I believe that's his full name. Oh, yeah. Good to meet you. And Rudy North. Of course, I know that's his full name. Great. It's Rudimentary North. Rudimentary. I can't believe you forgot to ask. It's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry, but it was 18 years ago. You just reminded me. That never came up in the last 18 years. Sorry. Andre, how you doing? Excuse me? Who?

Who are you talking to? Andre P. Noor. I'm good. I'm good. And who are these two? This is Dirk Thirsty. I'm Dirk Thirsty. And Emily Grandchildren. They're from corporate. They work for RC Cola. We're here to monitor the show, and we're going to report back on what we hear. You work for corporate, you say? Yeah. Okay, are you looking to invest in some businesses? No.

Oh, sorry. They just sneezed. We sneezed. Sounded like a leaf blower for a second. Sorry. Please ask your question again. Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses? Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses? Yes. We are interested in looking to purchase some businesses. So what would the first step be?

Well, we're going to think about looking. We think about looking. We're interested in that. Have you thought past that? No, not yet. We're at the beginning stage. There are a lot of places to look, so you have to get all your ducks in a row. I have a great business I would love for you to consider thinking about investing in. It is a platform for people to interact with one and another.

Like on the internet? A social media platform, do you mean? You've never seen nothing like it before. It is, you can put photographs, captions as well. Put photographs where? Sounds like Instagram. Instagram.

Or a scrapbook. Does Instagram include captions? I've heard that a few times. It sounds like it. But these are old photos. So old, they're not eligible for Instagram's Throwback Thursday. Oh. They get so old. I forget what the cutoff point is. What is the cutoff year for Throwback Thursday? If your photo is older than 40 years, you can't put it up there for Throwback Thursday. It gets deleted. That's in the terms of service. I forgot. I can't get my baby picture to stay.

Never seen a TBT from civil rights era, huh? Yes. Whatever he just said, sure. Are you interested in looking to invest in this? We're interested in thinking about looking. Yes, exactly. I can't tell. Is it on the internet? Is it a social media platform or is it a literal platform? You go on. I don't know the answer to your question, Scott David Ackerman, but you go on to the web and

Are we talking about a spider web or are we talking about the actual world? Get on a spider web. Will it be any spider web or is it a specific one? Well, now you're putting words into my mouth. You can have whatever. Please put words into your mouth. It helps us make sense of this. Words come out of my mouth. They don't go back in. I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. Your mouth is exit only? Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? I can't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.

Can I say almost nobody in the Steams the Whiz coming out of my man? Rudy, what movie is that from? What movie is that? That's obviously a movie reference. No.

You saw another movie without me? Okay, I saw Rush Hour. Right? Is that it? Rush Hour? Rush Hour 2. Rush Hour 2. I have an idea for a movie as well. You do? Yes. We're moving on from this platform? Well, y'all don't seem to understand. No, we want to. You were describing something that already existed, Andre. Oh, no. You telling me that there's a platform where you could put photos that are older than 40 years old? Multiple. Name one. Facebook. Facebook.

He's going down. Okay, okay. Do you know something that we know? Oh, okay. Mark Zuckerberg is going down with the government. Please use his full name. Mark Anthony Zuckerberg. By the way, what does the P stand for in your name, and why aren't you insisting I use that? It is just P. Oh, it's P-E-E? It's a Homer J situation. Like that famous tape? It's P...

capital E. The last one is a capital E. So it's bookended by some capitals. The P tape. I love that film. So you're...

You're pitching. So you're saying Facebook's going down. So you're pitching a replacement to that. No, it's not a replacement. What I do is original. Say that again. Original. So people will not do the same things they did on Facebook. They will do totally separate things. Yes. This will not be a substitute for Facebook. Yes. People will talk to their parents. People will accept friend requests from their grandparents. Can I ask you a question, Entree P. Neuer? Yes. Have you ever been on Facebook? No.

I've seen it from a distance. How far of a distance? Like a football field? At a coffee shop over a young man who I spoke to him. He said he was a writer, but he spent the whole time on Facebook. Oh, that's pretty common here in Los Angeles. One of the features of your website is I can accept a friend request from my grandparents.

Precisely. And you put that in a pitch. Precisely. That's the second thing in your pitch. You're front-loading your pitch with this. If you're not looking to invest in my product, I have other products. Tell us your idea for the movie. A black and an Asian man.

A black period and an Asian man. So first sentence, a black. A black period. That's subject, predicate, verb, all of it. Okay? Yes. And an Asian man. They're police.

Okay. Okay? And they're going to- Can I ask, does someone not understand words that are coming out of someone's mouth? Sure. Sure. And is it a sequel? No, it's called Hush Hour. Okay. Because the other person- Now, hold on. Have you seen A Quieter Place? I've seen A Quiet Place. I don't know what that is, but A Quieter Place is a movie about a family, and they are in, I feel like I'm in church. Okay.

Yes, Lord. Use me, God. Okay.

The pitch for A Quieter Place. A family in a sound studio. The father is trying to record a mixer tape. A mixer tape? He wants to record his mixer. This actually genuinely sounds like a cool original idea. I like this. Thank you. Wait, why am I talking like this now? See, it rubs off on you, don't it? Sorry. That's pretty cuckly, eh? My time is of... I'm Irish. Your time is of the essence. Of the ebony. That's my magazine.

That's my magazine of choice. Can we make a quick bit of a question about, yeah, Russia, Iowa? Sure. Hush hour. Hush hour. Can the Chinese guy touch the black guy's radio or no? Wait, he, she. The Chinese man don't have no hands in this one. Oh. So, in fact, he can't. Why is he Chinese? Why did you assume he's Chinese? I'm from New Zealand. It's the only Asian folks we have there. Okay, she just said Asian.

I did just say Asian, but I appreciate your help, Australian. Kiwi, big difference. See, but that's exactly what you just did with Chinese and Asian. I was trying to make a point, you see? Oh, very good, Entree P. Neuer. Thank you very much. Point received. Well, if y'all, does anyone have... Point just like Dirk's beard here.

Point received. The end of it, I mean. What did you just put in your coat? My beard. Yeah. As you can see, Dirk's rainbow-colored beard comes to a point at the end of it. Oh, I see. As you can see. Does anyone have any...

any interest in considering these businesses for funding. Let's move on to a different business because I'm not sure about the other. Well, I have interest in considering that. We're looking to be interested in considering this. We are looking. Looking, looking, looking, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look

I didn't want to out this idea because I don't have the patent just yet. It is pending. It's pending. Okay, well, that's good, though, that it's pending because no one can swoop in there. I've never heard of something patent pending that someone was like, got in there a little earlier. Well, this one is going to be my claim to fame. I can't wait. Great. A rectangular-shaped object with four...

Four to five seats inside of it. A wheel in front of one seat. A wheel in front of one seat. Look, you're describing a car right now. Hold on, hold on. You're poorly describing a car. Wait, what does it do? What does it do? What is it about? What is this about? The person, somebody will sit in the car. Oh, shit. Everyone, everyone.

You just said car. You pitched a car. You know what a car is. You're just copying ideas. No, the devil done got inside me. You said car. You said car, and you planted a seed of doubt in my mind. I beg your pardon. I'm sorry. I don't mean to get in your head. I'm sick to my stomach. I don't know.

Number two. Oh, yes. Good shit. Good shit, my boy. Was this also, I wasn't listening to the clip. I was looking at stuff. Yeah. Madeline Walter, by the way, came after these clips and did Charlie Manson. That's right. Yes.

Was this the debut of Speed Force Thanksgiving? Yes. That's a concept that has delighted me ever since. I enjoyed that as well. There's a separate Thanksgiving in the Speed Force. That takes place inside the Speed Force. And apparently in one of the clips that we didn't play from this, I learn all of Rudy's backstory in the Speed Force. Like in all the time that we spent together. So I have to remember that next time we do an episode that I apparently know all of it. They're not crying.

And we found out in our last episode in the Holiday Spectacular right before these episodes that apparently Rudy is Jewish. So that's good to know. Oh, Judy North. Yeah. Judy North. You don't think –

You don't think? Is he the wandering Jew? What? Rudy North is the wandering Jew. Well, didn't you say that he's been alive since Christ died? Since 33? I believe so, yeah. Did I say that? About the wandering Jew? Yeah. The wandering Jew was there for the crucifixion. That much we know. Right, and he's been wandering ever since then. Yeah. Oh, we got to ask him this. Do you think for the wandering Jew...

Like, did he know he was cursed at the time? Or did he just like a year went by and he's like, no wrinkles yet. Awesome. No wrinkles. We don't know that he doesn't age. That's true. Yeah, he might be 2,000 years old. He might look like shit. No wonder he's wandering around. Yeah. I don't know. We got to find this guy. We got to find this wandering Jew. Where in the world is the wandering Jew? I feel uncomfortable saying Jew so much. Jew. But it is...

Look, that's what he calls himself. He's a made up person. It's me, the wandering Jew. All right. Let's go to a break. When we come back, we're going to get to it. Your number one episode of the year. Very, very exciting. Just to reiterate, if I'm not in this episode, I will be furious. Yikes. All right. Real cliffhanger. We'll see you on the other side of this.

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And here's something I found out. Their name is Hotel Tonight, but they don't just sell hotels for last minute bookings. You can book in advance. When I did it, I booked it three weeks in advance. I think I went up to Santa Barbara, had a wonderful time. Perfect for spontaneous weekend getaways, three day weekends, staycations. That's what I did. I did a staycation.

It was great. Now, I guess I did a vacation because I went away. Is this a staycation where you stay? Oh, I see. It was where you stay. No, I went to Santa Barbara. Anyway, road trips. That's what I was on. Business trips. I also did a little business booking a place with a pool. Yeah, I swam. I checked all these boxes here.

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How many days of podcast did Earwolf put out this year? Probably 365, right? Well, if you really count up the hours that they put out, okay, it's Earwolf published 1,785 episodes this year, which comes out to over 1,591 hours, which ends up being 66 days if you just listen to it straight of podcast listening.

That sounds pretty daunting. I don't think you have time for that. I don't have time for that. You probably don't have time for it either. So how do you sift through and find the stuff that is really, really good? Well, all of the hosts and producers here at Earwolf chose their favorite episode of their show this year, and they made a playlist for you. Isn't that nice?

of all the best episodes of the year. So go see if your favorite episode made the cut and check out some new shows. What better place to start than what they consider to be the very best episode of the year? I picked a wonderfully silly episode of Comedy Bang Bang this year that I want you to go check out. And here's how you do it. Go to Earwolf.com slash pics. That's P-I-C-K-S to see all of the selections. Again, that's Earwolf.com slash pics.

All of these episodes are out from behind the paywall and Stitcher Premium members. There is a special version of the playlist just for you. All you got to do is search Stitcher for Earwolf Pack Picks 2018. Thank you, everyone, for a great year of podcasts. And we want to hear what you think your favorites are. Just tell us your favorite episode of 2018 with the hashtag Earwolf Picks. Comedy bang bang. And we ended.

The previous segment on a cliffhanger. That's right. Paul F. Previously on Best of Comedy Bang Bang. Now, just to reiterate, if I am not on this episode, I will be furious. All right. And why will you be furious? I'm glad you asked me that, Scott. What is it about, I know as human beings, we all want to be recognized for what we do. We do. We want to feel that our time on this earth was not for naught. That's right.

Is that a hit? Did I just explain it? Oh, that's a big part of it. Then explain the rest. I will explain the rest. And the rest. Thank you for giving me this platform. Great. I do and I do and I do for these people. And if they want to toss me aside now, after all that I've done. After all you've done? And continue to do.

No, Paul. I will not be able to contain the rage. Paul, they love what you do. They love what you do. Maybe they don't love it enough to vote it into the number one spot. Do you know how they prove that they love it? How? By voting it into the number one spot. All right, all right. You read my mind, Kretzkin. Well, look, I think it's time we get to it. It's time we get to your number one. Number one. Which I will remind you.

If you're not, you're going to be furious. Okay. What? Okay. Do you remember the other episodes you did this year? I don't remember anything. So then why do you think this? We may have gone through all of the episodes that you've done this year. We may have already breezed through them all and they were breezed through them all.

What episodes do you remember that you did this year? I remember when I played Breeze through them all. Breeze through them all. Now you have to do a character called Breeze through them all. That's how J.W. Stillwater happened. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Or was it? J.W. Stillwater was born that way? How was it? Well, that's how Big Chunky Bubbles was. It's y'all's ape. I started doing that voice on a best of.

And then in January, we did that show. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Is it all safe? That's right. I heard a crime go. That's right. Yeah. Good shit. We should do more of that stuff.

We should. We should do more stuff. I don't know. Just fucking around till we find a character. How about this guy? Hi. I don't hate him. He's not bad. I mean, I took a real risk there. Anyway, my point is, I'm the best. You are the best. It needs to be recognized all the time. Well, what do you think then? Do you think that this episode is going to have you in it?

If you had to guess, what is the top episode of the year? I'm not in the business of guessing. I'm just going to say, if I'm not in this episode, I will be furious. All right. Well, let me tell you that this is episode number 525. Uh-huh. Okay. Does that give you any sort of hints? Now, you may remember earlier on in our countdown, episode 524 was on it. Merry Chunky Christmas. It's not looking good, Scott. Not looking good? Not looking good?

So 525, the very next week, what do you think it could be? The very next week.

What song is that? I joined in with you. The cat came back. The cat came back the very next day. The cat came. Did you sing that at camp? Somehow I sing that at camp. That was like a big campfire thing. I feel like it was a church thing. The cat came back the very next day. The cat came back. We thought it was a goner, but the cat came back. He just couldn't stay away. Real jazzy for a campfire. There goes the Spider-Man. Spider-Man.

Spider-Man. Let's do this. You sing Spider-Man and I'll sing Cat Came Back. Five, six, seven, eight. The cat came back the very next day. The cat came back. We thought he was a goner. The cat came back. He just couldn't stay. The cat came back. We thought he was a goner. The cat came back. He just couldn't stay away. I think Sam got a video of that.

Oh, good stuff. Oh, see? Why wouldn't I be in the number one episode? I tell you, Paul. Plus, I do these! People have said this every year. They said if we could vote on the best of episodes, they would be the most popular episodes of the year. People love these. Unfortunately, they are ineligible.

But look, this is episode 525. This is the episode after Merry Chunky Christmas. What episode could it possibly be?

I don't know. Happy Chunky New Year? No! How the fuck do I know? It is, of course, the 2017 Holiday Spectacular. Wait a minute. That's right. And let me tell you who's in this episode. We have Jason Manzoukas, John Gabrus, Lauren Lapkus, Mike Hanford, James Adomian, Carl Tartt, Tawny Newsome, Jeremy Rowley, Drew Tarver, Neil Campbell, the band Mr. Heavenly. Ha ha ha.

And Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! You're out of order! You're out of order! I'm the devil's advocate! Oh, I'm a scent of a woman! How about a Mammoth? He's a Scrooge! If Al Pacino were to do A Christmas Carol. Yeah.

As Ebenezer Scrooge, would he play him as a powerbomb? You'd have to. You'd have to. First of all, if you respect the text, you'd have to. You'd have to. Can you imagine anyone worse playing Ebenezer Scrooge? Okay.

I mean, he would just shout, Spirit! Cromwell Mustard! Get out of here! The one as big as me, sir? I'm the Justin Beef! What day is it? How awful. Who has he played recently? Paterno? That's right. Who else? Returno. Returno, of course.

Famous sequel. I think that's a sequel that's better than the original. I think Paterno is so much better than Paterno. You play Paterno, you play Kevorkian, you play Phil Spector. What is it with this guy? He's going to play famous weirdos the rest of his life? He's got to play the jinx, the jinx. He's got to play the jinx, the jinx. Al Pacino, he's got to play the jinx. You just couldn't stay away.

Just couldn't stay away. Blah, blah, blah. This was a really fun episode to do. As I talked about Mr. Heavenly.

Yeah. Great band that Engineer Brett plays in. That's right. He plays guitar or bass, I can't recall, for that band. The bass is always guitar, but guitar's not always bass. We don't know. They are playing, and occasionally they will chime in and grind the episode to a halt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

No, they're great. Before the clip we're going to hear, before the first clip we're going to hear, because we're going to hear several clips, we can't play the whole thing. It's a two hour, two and a half hour show. First, we talked to Jason Manzoukas.

Lauren Lapkus playing Ho-Ho the Naughty Elf is there. John Gabrus is playing intern Gino. He talks to us for a while. Oh, he does play Gino in this one? Yes, he does. And Mike Hanford plays John Lennon, who, as we all know, if you have been listening to the show, is the famous John Lennon who, after being dead for five years, decided to come back to life and is now alive in New York City.

So before this clip, we have been talking to them. So they're all in the room when we introduce Paul here, who is playing Mayor Junius Bubble Doonery. That's right. Who is the tiny mayor who lives in the walls. That's right. And we find out something very surprising about you in the first clip.

That's right. Something that I didn't remember about your backstory and... About my backstory? About, well, just about your Mayor Junius Babadunari, just your identity. A fun fact about it. A fun fact about it. Yes. So we'll hear that. And then...

The next clip that we're going to hear is Carl Tartt as MC Sugarbutt, who is a rapper who went into a coma in around 1985 and then woke up recently. So everything he says is in the style of rap from the early 80s. That's right. And also James Adomian as Chris Matthews. And this is such a good impression that James does. Yes, it is. And it was like killing us while he was doing it. So those are the clips we're going to hear.

Let's hear him. This is your episode number one. Number one. He is the mayor of, where are you a mayor of again? I'm the mayor of Inside the Wall. That old lady's here. That is that old lady. Look. That is that old lady. I'm not an old lady. My voice isn't quavery at all. Okay, fair enough. I'm just little.

Right. Please welcome back to the show Mayor Junius Bobbledoonery. Hello, Mayor. Just my size. Who is this creature? This is Ho-Ho, the naughty elf. So just for the listener at home, can you guys describe the size disparity between the two of you? I'm the size

And I'm slightly smaller than that. Wonderful. A foreign dollar. Like a euro? He's got a coin. Sorry. She got you there. Zing. Zing. I know he's a perv. Jeez, Ojo. Hoho, you seemed very intrigued when you saw someone that's just a little bit smaller than you. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Well, you know, there are certain similarities between...

This race of creature and my own. Mr. Mayor, just as a heads up, you're standing ankle deep in what I think is ho-ho cum. So just as a heads up. It's snow. It's snow? Yeah, but it did come from the tip of his peeps. That candy cane? I guess it's still out. Yeah, you see what I'm talking about. You know, it sounds like he's fine with it. It doesn't seem to bother him. It's snow and a candy cane. I mean, what's the big deal? This is great. You should get tested. Where are you from? I'm from inside the walls. Oh!

Why is that so horrible to you? It's creepy. Well, you're from this weird old house up in the North Pole. That's creepy to some. People love the North Pole. They talk about it for their whole life. Their whole life? Yeah. I mean, at best, maybe like a week at the end of the year. You're talking about it now. Well, it's a week at the end of the year. He's got, oh. Do

Do people live inside the walls along with you or just you? Yes, I'm part of a race of people that live inside the walls. Of which he's the mayor. I'm the mayor of them. And how many people do you govern? Oh, untold millions. Untold millions? Yes. So this is all walls all over the world. All walls, all.

Oh, really? Lots of space. No gerrymandering with all these walls? How dare you? Well, and can I ask you as a mayor? Yes. Do you oversee a small number of those millions? Or is mayor the highest level of political office in the wall people? Yeah, how high does this go up? Up. As far as the presidency? Follow the money, Scott. Follow the money, which, as I've established before, is cookies. Our currency is cookies. Right, by the way. Now, do you mean cocaine?

Because these guys over here say if you say cookies, it could mean cocaine. That's true. Cookies is slang for cocaine where I come from. But it also means money, which also means actual cookies. Oh, okay. Actual cookies. Here are some holiday cookies, by the way. Here are some holiday cookies. Oh, thank you. Oh, I'm rich. They're in a plastic bag, so just be careful. Let me just unwrap this. Do you eat the money or do you just spend it? Do you think cookies are good in your land or is it not edible because it's money? It gets confusing because we're...

spending cookies to buy cookies to eat. Right. So are there eating cookies and spending cookies? It's all the same, but you have to be specific when you're exchanging them. I'm giving you this. How many cookies does one cookie buy you? It's a one-to-one. Are there any, is there any other food besides cookies? It's not, it's not a trading system.

Well, there is other food, but food that we get from humans when they're asleep. Okay, but that's okay. So you're not forced to eat – Solely subsiding on cookies. Yes. You're not forced to eat your income. You shouldn't. You shouldn't just eat cookies. I mean you should eat other stuff. Right, yeah. Yeah. So are there good cookies and bad cookies? Like are there some cookies that people go, oh, God, not butter cookies?

Yeah, it's fucking cookies. What do you mean? Of course there are good and bad cookies. Would you trade a bad cookie and get a good cookie? Do you think we're not discerning at all? Just any cookie is great? Everything about you is different, so I want to know what these differences are. Mr. Mayor, I do just want to say that Scott speaks only for himself. Thank you very much. And that I consider you and your population to have probably even the most discerning taste. All right, so what would you consider, being a discerning little person, to be a poor-tasting cookie?

Any of those Italian cookies that all taste like licorice. Right, okay. Don't like them. If you get one of those. You've got to dip them in espresso. That's the trick, though. It's turning into work. I just want to eat a cookie. Fair enough. Or buy a cookie. Gina just learned that on a Perillo tour. I was on Perillo tours. What's that? Did someone say Perillo? Perillo!

So if you acquire one of these cookies, one of these poor tasting cookies. Yes, if I bought a cookie. Are you allowed to spend it and buy a good tasting cookie? Yes, there's some weirdo who wants that cookie. But here's the thing. If I am unfortunate enough to have bought a poor tasting cookie, well, that's an eating cookie and I'm just stuck with it because that was the arrangement that was decided upon. And how long does it take you to eat one poor tasting cookie? It's not fast. Right.

You can't just switch that into a spending cookie? The whole system would break down. Oh, my God. He's getting red in the face. How dare you? If you've got a cookie in your bag, you know, like a good spending cookie. Which, by the way, is as big as you. That's right. So now let's say you take a nasty tumble and you open up your bag and your cookie is in crumbles.

It's all crumbs now. Because sometimes cookies crumble. Lenin's writing a song! Oh my God! Get him a guitar! Mr. Heavenly, give him a guitar! Send me that bass, I want to try that thing out. I can't touch my bass. Oh wait a minute, he's putting it on and oh, Nick just...

Give it at the Paul McCartney School of Bakes. Does that crumbled cookie retain its value as crumbs or no? It's change now. It is. It's like pocket change? Yes. The way one of our human dollars of it shatters, it's just change. Sorry? Continue with your story. Ha ha ha!

Is each crumb equal? So, like, if it breaks into five crumbs? I'd like to pursue what John was talking about. You know when you have a dollar bill? Sure. And it's out in the cold. It's appropriate because it's a holiday special. And you drop it on the ground, it shatters and changes.

Maybe that's never happened to anyone here. I guess I've never tried it. A frozen dollar bill? Yeah, it just shatters into dimes. Just shatters into dimes. And you'd shake those and they'd shatter into pennies. What's the temperature at which paper freezes? I think. Negative 451. Look, and I'm no... Mayor, can you tell us about your outfit? Because it's so weird. I don't see how it's so weird. I'm mainly wearing my cutaway coat with my oral sash, my striped trousers, and my top hat.

Right. No shirt. No shirt. None taken. No shoes. No service. You're standing barefoot in what is definitely elf cum, my friend. Seriously. He doesn't have a problem with it. It feels like snow. I don't know what to tell you. Your feet are blistering actively. Lucky.

Do you like blistery feet? Yeah. I like eating nasty. Yeah. I believe you had a question about the crumbs. Well, sure. Are they equally divisible? Are they worth one crumb apiece? No. The crumbs, you have to count the crumbs from a crumbled cookie to determine...

what the worth of each crumb is. That's my theater warm-up. Count the crumbs from a crumbled cookie, determine what the worth is. Count the crumbs from a crumbled cookie, determine what the worth is. Why are you warming up your voice? Because I'm going on stage. What are you doing? What's the play? Really, what's the play? My Life in Pieces. Is it about a dollar bill? Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's always fascinating to have two people of the same size here. Is it? That's fascinating to me. I mean, how often does it happen? Well, I mean, usually I'm like lining up every guest back to back just to see. And usually people are like, one's 5'10", one's 5'11". But we're not the same.

He's smaller than me. I'm smaller than he. Slightly, but... Okay, so, but no, but... Your size is all the same. No, see, that's not true. Stop lining us up back to back. Scott is like Requiem for a Dream. You want to be front to front?

Line us up front to front. Front butt to front butt. No, front to back. I'm just happy that in the event of a fire drill, I'm the first out the door. Why is that? I'm the smallest. Okay. It should go smallest to tallest. Yeah, but it's going to take you such a long time. You have such a short stride. I'm very spry. I'll be honest. How fast can you run? Watch this.

Holy shit. Hold on. I didn't even have time to get a stopwatch out. Wow. That is incredibly quick. Okay, I'll come back. See? Oh, my God. That was like 70, 80 miles an hour. Something like that. That's above what Sammy Hagar would do.

What do you mean? Because he can't drive 55. He tops out at 60 or so. Oh, I thought it was that. I thought I can't drive 55 means he never got up to 55. I thought he was always at 54 or 56. He just couldn't get it right. Cruise control style. He just wants to get it.

At 55. I think the original draft was like, I can't drive 55. I heard it turns out he had a marble under the accelerator, so it wouldn't go all the way down. Really? Yeah. Who put it there? A little person? Maybe. So what are your traditions during the holidays? Well, during the holidays, of course, we like to move out of the walls and into gingerbread houses. Oh.

Really? Yeah. Is that why we make them? I guess I never realized why. Yes, it's an ancient pact between humans and our people. Really? Yeah. I've always done it for fun. Maybe that's what you thought. Sure, yeah. I guess I never realized the reason why. You know how when you're making a gingerbread house? Sure. And your mind goes blank, and you're just like a robot that's been taken over by another consciousness? Oh, gosh. And then when you're done, there's a gingerbread house there? Sure. Only known as the gingerbread fugue state. That's right. That's because of us.

You're welcome, and we thank you. And why do you like to do this? I mean, it seems like if you had to be displaced, it would be unpleasant. Well, it's not that we're not going that far. It's just from the walls to the gingerbread house. Sure, but I mean, in accordance to your size, that's like, you know, me moving two blocks away. It would still be an inconvenience. Okay, you're getting really hung up on scale. Yeah.

I know you can move fast. Is gingerbread considered a cookie? Is it like opulent for you guys to be living in it? It's like living in a mansion, yes. Ooh, that's nice. It's like living in a house made of dollar bills. You got a gold toilet? Or do you have a gingerbread toilet? We have a cupcake toilet. Wait, are cupcakes currency as well? There's no hole in a cupcake. No, they're not. They're just very comfortable. But you sit on a soft toilet? Yeah, why not? By the way, that sounds great. Because then the poop just goes in your butt?

What? What'd you say? There's a poop. Just ho ho goes in your butt. There's a hole. There is a hole. The seat is a cupcake. Got it. Got it.

I've never been there. Can I ask you a question? You should come sometime. How kind of you. Maybe you'd see a different way of life that you could enjoy. What's wrong with my life? Prostitutes in motels all night long, baby. Laying on a cockroach, rolling across the ground. Yeah. Few of us do, I think.

What was your question, Jason? Santa baby. When you live inside the walls, are you living in houses in the walls or no? No, it's not houses. It's like little platforms and stuff. It's not very convenient. Why not have us make permanent housing for you? Jason, can I stop you right there? Please do. The last time I was here. This was covered. Well, this is my parting words to everyone.

Please, humans, consider putting working plumbing in dollhouses.

It would make things so much easier for everybody. Uh-huh. Just a dollhouse, keep it all the same, but put a working shower, sink, toilet in there. Oh, yeah. I've been fooled a few times by those. What are you doing going into a dollhouse? What do you mean? Dollhouse? Yeah, it's just an emergency. You know, my stepdad's in the can, and I look around, and all that's left. You ever been at a Home Depot, and you're just like, oh, thank God I got a shit so bad? Then you realize you're on a display toilet in the middle of an aisle? No. Me neither. Yeah.

You ever walk down that door aisle and you keep opening the doors because you think there's a hundred rooms? Screaming, how do I get out of here? How do I get out of here? I use the Home Depot door section as my mind palace to help me remember things. Sherlock style. You ever go over your friend's house to eat and the food just ain't no good? What do you mean? Like the macaroni soggy? The peas are mushy. What's the chicken taste like? Wood.

This is ringing a bell to me for some reason. I can't recall why. It is the season. Oh, that's right. Rings a jingle bell. How do you feel, sir, if I may ask, about the borrowers? Now let me say, oh boy. Oh boy. Oh man, we talked about this last show. We did, okay. I figured it might have come up. I know it. It was a sore spot. Here's what I don't like. I don't want to get borrowers. It's okay. It's okay. I get this a lot. Here's what I don't like. The borrowers. The littles. Yep.

Stuart Little? Hate him. Really? Isn't that a mouse? Yes. It's gross. But he's regular mouse size. He's vermin. Wait, but there must be plenty of bugs and vermin where you guys live, right? Yeah. We don't like them. Do you? It's the same size as you. It's like you seeing a bear, Scott. I love bears. What about the Indian in the cupboard? We're not talking about... Oh, search terms again? Not a fan. Not a fan. John Lennon hung his candy cane on his microphone. I was going to eat it later.

So you put it on your microphone to remind you? I started eating it. Oh. And then I, you know, I can't eat the whole thing. And you don't want to put it up on the table because germs may stick to it. Oh, there's ink everywhere. Right, of course, yeah. I wanted to ask a question of the mayor. To the mayor. Please, feel free to ask it to and of me. What is the name of your people again? Did we ever find that out? No, you know, I hadn't...

I hadn't mentioned that. I don't think it's important. Wait, the name? What was it? The name of your people? Yeah, I don't think that's important. Nobody needs to know that. In a way, humans. Are you a human? Yeah. Or just a small human? Soul Eater. Soul Eater? Soul Eater? Soul Eater?

Did you say soul eater? Yes. Wait a minute. Soul eater? We're called soul eaters. Are you? Soul eaters? Yes. Do you eat? I think that's a skateboard. Do you remember how I said we eat cookies? We love cookies. Oh, no. Yes, but you also said you don't eat those exclusively. Are you eating human beings' souls? Okay, look. We're not eating, like, all of the soul.

It's just enough. We're little. We're little. It's just enough to get by. Kill him! Hey, get him! Hold on. Get him! Lock him up! Lock him up! Hold him down! I'm over here. He's too fast. He's too fast. If I gotta get out of here, I need this candy cane with me.

He's been on the show before, and it's wonderful to have him back. Let's first welcome MC Sugarbutt. How are you? Get on up and get on down. Sugarbutt is in your Christmas time. Oh, very good, MC Sugarbutt. It's snowing, it's snowing, it's snowing, snowing, and snowing. Scottie Z, how you be? I'm good. It's actually not snow, it's ho-ho cum. Hey! Ho-ho cum. Ho-ho cum like Coke and rum.

Ooh, that's a good song. I also want to welcome... I don't believe he's ever been on the show before, but he is... No, they've been fans. Long time, first time. Yeah, he's...

He's currently on MSNBC, the host of Hardball. Please welcome Chris Matthews. Chris Matthews, Scott Kerman, it's great to be here. What are your thoughts on politics? It's very political. What a political year it's been. So you dodged a question there. Quinnipiac poll has you up 12 points. Do you think it's a representative of polls, Quinnipiac?

I don't know what you're saying. Have you ever suffered a Quinnipiac? Have I ever suffered a Quinnipiac? Yes, that's valid. Answer that one. I don't think I've ever suffered from one, no. You'd know it if you had. Quinnipiac is a certain kind of stroke that broadcasters get a problem with that. Oh, is that what they're talking about when they talk about the Quinnipiac polls? Yeah, it's so good to see you. It's great to be here. You know, when you think about it,

podcasting your legendary tip O'Neill once said we gotta take a break great great and MC MC Sugarbutt you are a musician and John Lennon here is a musician oh John Lennon John Lennon he was a part of the Doors oh see that's why I bring it up because not everyone knows what band I was part of I was part of a European rock band the Doors were in America

You brought him up first. Behind you there is another American band, Mr. Heavenly. Mr. Heavenly, not in hell. People in jail go to sleep. Oh, boy. His rhymes aren't wrong. That's the best way to pass the time when you're in jail. Just sleep. MC Sugarbutter, are you known for your freestyles? You know,

I'm known all across the world to all the pretty girls of all the raps that you ever did see. I like that line because it didn't rhyme. I love it. You have a lot of trouble sticking the landing. You know what, though? Keep going. I think you're going to get there. Is that Jason Mann over there? Jason Mann shouts out.

Oh. Just saying hello. That just ended. Oh, ho, ho, ho. MC Sugar Bun, if you're done with the primary, will you run third party? Say that again? If you're done with the primary, will you run third party? Oh, yeah. It's real Indian. I'm going to run for independent. Oh, very good. It's real Indian? Yeah. You never heard of it? I know you're not supposed to rhyme the same word twice, but apparently you can just take letters out. That's valid.

No indent space in front of a paragraph. That's real tall. Is that a giraffe? Hey, he's getting better. Do you go double space? Do you double space your jacobins? Always double space makes the pages longer.

And he's back. Chris Matthews, a lot going on this year. That's safe to say, right? This is a fantastic year. It's a wonderful year for politics. You guys want to be a parent during the thing? Yeah.

I mean... You flambeer Putin polling number number one in your Hampshire primary across five polls. That's true. The outlier is Zogby. Where did we cut that Zogby, Mayor Julius? Is this true? Yeah, I guess so. You registered a Zogby poll, 0.4. Yes, well, that's those polls. Look.

It's early days, and I don't think this is the time to be paying attention to polls. Certainly not the Zogby poll. Okay, that sounds like a guy who's running for office or trying to dodge some kind of scandal. Well, he is trying to dodge a scandal. He's admitted to eating souls. Of evil people. Well, maybe you can take over for Joe Scarborough when he's done. Hey, how's his band doing? I think it's fine. You know what? I go sometimes. They get a nice ale. I drink about half of it.

You ever see me on MSNBC where it's just me broadcasting in front of like a town hall, people walking around voting and stuff? That's all fake. There's cops all over the place to make sure nobody gets in front of me. Cool. Well, good night. I'm reviewing that band. I just wondered, John Lennon, John Lennon, you shot me a hat. Did you ever complain to Mayor John Lindsay of New York City, a crime and punishment type crackdown? I said this type of stuff can't happen.

It can't happen to a guy like me. If it happens to me, it can happen to anyone. Are you the worst? Look, I don't need to talk about it. I don't think we need to answer that right here, right now. I'll talk to you about that off the air. Okay, John, that dodges your question there. It must hurt to get shot in the back like that. Would you prefer to be shot in the front? Would that be better?

I think I would have. I would like to have seen it coming. But there would be a danger of you getting shot in the nuts, though, if it was from the front. That's true. That is very true. You could get shot in the nuts from behind. Yeah, that's true. I guess if they're swinging. If you got a nice fruit basket hanging out. Do you wear tiny whities? I was, at the time when I got shot, thank God I wasn't shot in the nuts, I was walking around the streets with my pants down. You were? Right. They don't talk about that. They don't talk about that. Tell me, John Lennon, and tell me slow, do your nuts hang down real low? Ha ha ha.

Tell them really slow. I'll tell you slow. Let's really take our time with this. In the wintertime, when I'm pantsless in New York City, they drag on the cold,

Concrete. Burn, that's burn. In the winter. Keeping an eye on my nuts, drinking by my window. That is a classic Beatles number right there. Was it B-side, C-side, or D-side? That was a D. Wow, my gosh. I have to go. I'm hungry. Oh, really? Okay, Ho-Ho. It's always nice to see you. Bye, Merry Christmas.

Fuck you! Strong words from Ho-Ho. All right, so you didn't get a chance to interrogate Ho-Ho, but did you ever get a present as a child during the winter times? Well, sure. I got a bunch of buttons to reelect Eisenhower. Eisenhower? I said Eisenhower buttons. Buttons supporting him? Sure. I used to have a founding member of the Scoop Jackson fan club when I was in junior high school.

Who else do you want me to reach back to from back then? I, uh, yeah, I, uh... Three more names would be great, just to place you in time. Whoa, Teddy Kennedy was fantastic. I just have Teddy Kennedy crisps. I eat them for breakfast. Ted Kennedy crisps. This is post-Chap Aquitics? Well, yeah, you were supposed to just, you were supposed to knock the cereal all over it and it almost drowned. Some of them would drown, but then some of them would swim back and testify, and then you could eat your bowl of cereal, Congress. What?

My gosh. I understand about every third word you're saying, but it's fascinating. You know what? That's politics. It's going to go over some people's heads. Be involved. Be involved. Be involved. MC Sugar, how do you spend the holidays? I spend the holidays with my fam. He's sitting right there. It's Jason Mann. That's my cousin. Your family not related by blood, are you? Not related by blood. Not related by flesh.

hey, you're looking real fresh. Is that deodorant under your arms? Yeah, it's a little bit. I put on a little splash this morning. Cool water brand deodorant. I mean,

Gino, always wearing a tank top. I gotta have a tank top. Sun's out, guns out. Skies out, thighs out. Get them going. You can try to get by, but you gotta get trapped. How many tattoos do you have, Gino? I have one tattoo, and it's of the island of which I was born. Long Island, Iceland, fantastic airport. Long Island.

Love that airport. Really? You spend a lot of time there? It's right next to a cemetery where my dad's buried. I only fly into and out of Islip. Everywhere else I go, I sell a train, damn track. Wait, are you also being a human table at Palm Springs as well? Or are you going into the Palm Springs airport? Oh, yeah, sure. If you give me a Palm Springs airport, I'm going to take you to sell a train there. And it doesn't run there. So I'm able to jump it off the tracks and just run it.

Like a freight car jumper? I got a special loud car. I got special privileges because I was... You have a loud car? Yes, there's a quiet car in most Amtrak trains. I have the loud car. I just sit in the front and I go, Hey, politics! All the windows are down. Yeah, the windows are down. Have you ever cleared cattle just from sheer drool and volume?

I have special privileges, Amtrak. I was born in the Accelerate somewhere with Chesapeake Bay. You were? How many years ago now? How old of a man are you? I look at you sometimes on television and I can't tell exactly your age. Well, that's intentional. It's intentional. You know, people with this vanity, you want to look a little bit younger, so I froze myself at 60. Ooh. You froze yourself? Yeah, I think that was my peak, so I just always want to look like a 60-year-old man, vibrant. Right. Okay. So you're above that, but you...

No, I'm less. I'm youthening like Merlin. Oh, really? I just think the gravitas is so 60 years old. Really, you're going to lend yourself to the fourth estate. How do you feel about the current environment we're in? A lot of guys in media, a lot of guys in your world. Yeah, being taken down. Are you in any fear of that from you? That's great. More room for Chris. More room for Chris. Wait, your show isn't expanding, though. The halls are empty. MSNBC, very, very few people walking around. A lot less contact physically between people.

That's good. More room for Chris, you know? Wait, is more room for Chris the name of a show you're doing? That's my weekend show. More room for Chris. What are you talking about? It's my weekend fill-in show or late night show. They do it. If there's like, did anybody bam off the air? Chris Matthews fills in. More room for Chris. Is that about politics or about local interests? No, it's about local interests. It's about, you know, just school issues, education, bar reviews, Yelp. Look at any Yelp.

You just go on Yelp and re-reviews? I go on Yelp, and I don't even necessarily vocalize. It's just me clicking through Yelp. When you walked in, I didn't think your face could get any redder, but I was way wrong. Jesus Christ, Chris. You okay, pal? Yeah, I'm living a diet of radishes and strawberry juice. It's very Christmassy. It's festive. Yeah, thank you. Any plans for the holidays?

days. Switch to controversy. ACLU said you shouldn't have a Christmas parade. You're going to go ahead with it anyway? Eat the flesh? We are going to have a Christmas parade as we always do mimicking human behavior. That's what we do. Where does this parade occur? Because you're in gingerbread houses. It's inside the goddamn walls.

So when you're living in gingerbread houses, you do the parade in the walls. Yeah, yeah. It's a hassle. What happens if a full-size human catches sight of you? Because I've never seen... So you're the first person of your kind that I've ever seen. Is that so? Yeah, absolutely. It was quite a surprise when we saw you for the first time. We're out there all the time. We never see you. Never seen you. Wildlife Stevenson was surprisingly diminutive.

Well, we're not talking about him. We're talking... He was considerably much taller than... He is like the size of a dollar bill. But not a coin. Smaller than a dollar bill. Smaller than a dollar bill. Foreign policy question. Shoot. Asbestos, where do you come down? I think that asbestos is... He's in the water!

Asbestos is the name of the country. It's in other walls. Okay. All right. Asbestos is an issue that is considered the third rail in politics where I come from. Oh, yeah. Third rail. They really fool huge fools. You can't win talking about it. You can't win. Also, a very good bar.

It is, sure. One of the stations down there, Union Station or Freedom Station. How many stars on Yelp? Stars on Yelp? Yeah, stars on Yelp. Six and a half stars on Yelp. Wow. Six and a half. That's amazing. What Yelp are you using? The third rail gets an unfair reputation. Go down. Just touch it. Lick it sometime. It's a little shock. It's like a battery. MC Sugarbot, you ever lick anything you shouldn't have? Ooh.

Ooh, that's a great Q-U-E, Scotty D. I'm going to answer it for now for you, Ed D. My middle name is David, and he knows that. We talked about it before. Most of the time when I'm licking things that I shouldn't be licking.

I'm getting ready to do a sticking. Some magicians be doing trickings. It's a note to the editor, just take out the gears grinding a little bit. No, keep the gears. I'm all ears. Listening to you and all my fears. I'm scared of snakes. I'm scared of bats. I'm scared of roaches. I'm scared of rats. You live in the walls? Damn, that's tall. But you're not. Hey!

Wow. That was the longest. That was the best one. The longest he's ever gone. Number one. Oh, boy. So good. There it is. That's why I'm number one. After these... You're number one.

After those clips, then we hear Tawny as Gary Urbanski. And then Drew Tarver and Jeremy Rowley as Keith and Ming talk to us for a bit. And then Neil Campbell comes in as Ernie Bread. Yeah, what was this thing? Ernie Bread himself, he's a guy who...

who plays at the pond across the street with ducks and came in saying that he was a fan favorite character, but he was really just a guy who wanted to come in. Ernie Bread. By the way, his name is Ernie Bread, the thing you throw at ducks. And his catchphrase is, does a duck quack?

Wow. Funny stuff. I almost included that clip, but when I listen to it back, it's really funny and then kind of other stuff happens. It doesn't have like a definitive ending, but it's a really funny episode. So listen to the whole thing. Or be damned. Or be damned. And that is our countdown. Like I said, over 35,000 votes.

And let's run through some stats here, okay? Who's in the most episodes that ended up in our countdown? Paul, you will be surprised to know you were in seven episodes in our countdown this year. Lucky seven. You only performed in nine. And seven of those are in our top 14. Wow. Not bad. Not bad at all. The ones that didn't make it are where you played J.W. Stillwater and Sheevil Knievel.

Another one that I forgot about. Yeah. Another one I'd love to talk to again. But you were in the most episodes in seven. Jason Manzoukas is in the second most in four of the top 14 episodes. Lauren Lapkus is in three of them.

And then appearing in two episodes are Thomas Middleditch, Ego Wodim, Carl Tartt, Drew Tarver, Tawny Newsome, Sean Diston, and Mary Holland. Those are all two episodes. I really enjoyed this year's countdown and the clips that you all voted for because, um,

Um, there, there was like a lot of variety in it and new people that, that have not been on the show and not been in previous countdowns. I remember there were like two years that John Gabrus was on the show that just his episodes weren't ending up in the top 10. And, um,

Then I think we talked about him on one of these best ofs and said, oh, man, he's so great. People should be voting for him. So he's been voted in since then. It's just great to get the the new talent into the show. I think I and I think I talked about this last episode.

I said that this year, 2018, was going to be a transitional year for Comedy Bang Bang. I don't know if you remember this at all. I do remember it. And basically, I was trying to transition you out of the top 10. That's what I remember. Did not work. Couldn't do it. No, and let me explain that for a bit because I think people started to think, oh, I'm ending the show. Yeah.

What's going on? And basically, I don't know if you recall, Paul, but when we were taping these last year, it was right before the holidays. And I was kind of freaking out a little bit in terms of my schedule. We went out to lunch in the middle of them. And I talked to you a little bit about it. I had a big work project that was coming up.

um, that was fairly overwhelming to me and was about to start. And, um, I was looking at the schedule and I was like, I don't know if I can do it for the, looking at the schedule for this show and saying, I don't know if I can do it. And build a ship in a bottle. Exactly. I mean, those are my three passions, whatever this project is.

Doing the show. Oh, I thought the ship in the bottle was the project. No, no. Oh. You had a whole other thing. I had a whole other thing. Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry. No, I'll never stop building those ships and bottles. I'm so sorry. I was giving you such a hard time. No, I did those. I was like, you're building ships and bottles. No, no. I did all the, yeah, I built 27 this year. Congratulations. Thank you so much. New person best. So anyway, so I was talking to you about it at the lunch, and I was kind of like, I don't know what to do.

I was asking you if you wanted to maybe guest host some stuff. I was just really looking at the schedule and I was freaking out about it. And so I had some plans of what to do this year of how to achieve doing it. Or maybe I was thinking of even going on hiatus. I didn't know. So anyway, to just make a long story short, the thing I was doing got postponed a couple of months because

And I worked it out. You were like, great news. My thing got sponed. Boom.

Business as per usual. Well, the good thing about it was it got postponed to the extent that we had already been recording Threedom, which is our other show that we do here on the Earwolf Network. That's right. We had recorded maybe seven or eight out of the ten that we were going to do by the time that this had come up. And so with the postponement, I was able to –

uh, finish those out, but also do 16 more of those with you guys, which was great. So we did 26 episodes of those and those are currently airing for free on your wolf on Thursdays. But then I was able to do, I'd already recorded maybe eight REM episodes up to then. And I was able, we were, I think we did like 30 of those or something. No, maybe it wasn't that much, but we did. Yeah. I think we did might've done 30 of those or something. So I was able to work out my schedule.

Everything's fine. It almost sounds like you didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. Well, at the time, I did know what I was talking about, but then circumstances changed. I did 30 episodes of this R.E.M. podcast. No, but really, the thing about the show is that every year, in a sense, is a transitional year for the show because –

I want to keep having new people on. And, you know, sometimes people are like, who is this? Anytime there's a new person or they go, oh, they don't get it or whatever. But that's very important to me is, you know, if it was just the same people that we started with nine years ago, how insane would that be? Yeah. If it was, I mean, obviously, Paul, you know, you've been here the entire time, almost 10 years at this point. And there are certain people, but everyone just gets busier.

You know what I mean? Paul, you only did nine episodes this year. Yeah, that's true. It is true. That's true. At a certain point, you were doing at least one a month at some point. So, you know, just everyone gets really busy, but that's a really important –

part of the show to me is to find new people to be on it. And I love hearing the new people being so high up in the countdown. You know, having Carl and Ego's episode at number three is just, you know, fantastic. That's terrific. And so, you know, I think 2019 is going to be a transitional year for the show. And we're just going to keep trying new stuff. It's going to be our 10th anniversary. Yeah.

And that's exciting. That's a big deal. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. Ten trips around this great big ball of fire that we call the sun. What? No, you're right.

We do call it that. Why? What do you call it? Soul. You worship it, right? Yeah. Okay. You know that. You're a soul worshiper. Yeah. Oh, by the way, soul eater is the thing that we found out about Mayor Junior's – He eats souls. He eats souls. Yeah, yeah. I'd forgotten that aspect of it. In any way, in any case rather – In any event. In any event, whatever you need to say, I have no intentions of stopping the show because

I think Rudy North last week said something like, don't stop the show or something, you know, because Sean is like listens to it and is like a fan of it. I'm not stopping the show. I think he was fanning the flames about this transitional year thing. But I have no intentions of stopping it. I still got plenty of gas in the tank. I was just a little worried last year about –

Just merely, you know, being able to get the show out there. And I didn't want the show to suffer. And frankly, I don't think the show suffered at all this year. And I think it was one of our best years. I mean, there's a stretch of episodes –

where it's just on fire, I think, this year. I will say, you know that I'm a listener and I listen to the show when I'm not on it. You know, I'm a first-time listener. I decided to try an episode where I wasn't on it. I was like, this is not bad. It's not bad. I mean, it doesn't have to be. I listen to the show on a regular basis, and this was a tremendous year for the show. You know, this show for me is –

Um, you know, I'm running around from one thing to another constantly. You're always doing errands. You're always late. I'm always doing errands. I'm always late. I dropped my dry cleaning off. I'm sorry. The guy behind the counter was like, I didn't know you were going to be here. What do I care?

It makes it worse. So I listen to the show a lot in the car, and it keeps me company, and it keeps me from getting too stressed out, afraid. Well, I mean, honestly, yeah. But it's a companion to me, and this has been a great year for the show. Companions. Yeah.

They come to me in the car. They come to me at night in the car when I have my dry cleaning. There's a new one, by the way. There's a new car. Oh, there is? Oh, I got to see that. We got to talk about it on three. Where it's like he sees a – it's a different guy. He sees a squirrel. I think it's wise that it's a different guy. Not the same guy like, what's he looking at now? Who's this crazy old bird up to today? He like looks down and he sees there's two dogs and then one disappears. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Only one? Yeah, it's just as disturbing. It's not like he saw one dog and it disappeared. No, he saw two and only one? There are two dogs and only one disappeared. Well, so I don't even know if that one is really there. One is real because that one could go at any time. It's not quite as dramatic as the previous commercial. Oh, okay. They're like, okay, let's pull it back, guys. All right.

How about the guy sees two dogs and then one disappears? We're getting network notes. Well, guys, you're really straining credulity here. Look, he sees two dogs, one disappears. It's easy. This is all to say that this has been a great year for the show. And I say that as a listener of the show. Thank you very much, Paul. And I say this as the host of the show. I'm doing a great job. Keep at it, Scotty boy.

These are my motivations. No, I had a lot of fun this year. It started to look like it was going to get hard to juggle, but it all worked out and I was able to cover my shift. That's what it really is, what it is. That's right. You know, I so this year is going to be even better. It's going to be our 10th anniversary event.

And you will not believe what we have in store. Give them a little hint. Uh-oh. I don't know. But it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. And keep listening to it. You know, it really means the world to us when you write to us on our various social media platforms to say that,

We get a lot of messages from people who are – anything from being in the hospital and having – this is the only –

that they're able to either concentrate on or consume for various reasons to people going through hard times who don't think that they are allowed to laugh. And this sort of leads them into the awe of DABDA. But it really means a lot to us to hear stuff like that. And so we're not going to stop, you know, I'm not going to stop. And I hope you don't stop listening to it.

Until the apocalypse. And then, and only then, are you allowed to stop listening. But two more episodes. Two more episodes after that. Two more episodes. Two more episodes because they'll already be scheduled. They'll already be scheduled. So while you're running away from zombies or the, you know, the...

nuclear wasteland scarred chuds. The toxic avenger. Yes. Make sure to have those headphones in. The tremors worms. Do you think that's how the apocalypse is going to come about? I think it's going to be just like tremors. The tremors worms? I think it's going to be just like That's what's going to do us in? Yeah. And thank God we still have Reba McIntyre. Reba!

All right, guys. I want to thank also everyone who worked on the show this year in the booth over here, Engineer Sam. You did a lot of episodes. Don't get on my – and you did a ton of episodes this year. It's great. All of our engineers, we got some new ones in this year. Some stayed even. Yeah. Really great working with the people who work at the company here and also the people who worked PCAST Blast last week.

Our big festival that we had in Los Angeles, the Earwolf people and Stitcher people who worked that really made it go smoothly. Also, my assistant Corinne did a lot of work on that. That's right. So shout out to her. And that one guy from the East who watched Cops on his laptop. That was so bizarre. It was strange. What was his job?

I couldn't tell you. I don't know what he was doing, but he was right there, stage left the entire time watching cops on his laptop. Had a great seat. Had the best seat in the house. Instead, watched cops. I've been meaning to catch up on the show. What are all my favorite criminals up to?

Anyway, thanks to everyone. We don't mean to get maudlin, but it means a lot to us that you listen. Well, Paul, I want to thank you especially for doing these with me every year. It's really great. You're a big part of the show, and I hope you never quit it. I hope you never quit me. I hope I never get fired. Scott, I love being a part of this. I'm going to buy you a phone, by the way, this year, and you may receive a text on Christmas Day.

You remember from a million years ago when we started doing these best ofs? I love being part of the show and I love doing these best ofs with you. It's so fun. I really look forward to it and it's always a good time. Always a great time. So thank you for, thank you for having me on the show. My pleasure. It truly is my pleasure and I hope even more than that the audience's pleasure.

That's going to be it. Who knows? I hope it's our pleasure more than theirs. Really? You hope that we, I mean, I probably do. We're the ones doing it. I know. I probably get more out of it than the audience does. Well, but I think that makes sense. Yeah. It's our life's work. Audience, take

Take a breather. It should be more enjoyable to us. Don't listen to this. No, they need to hear it. Okay, all right. It should be more enjoyable for us than it is for you because we have to do it. All you have to do is listen to it. It's all done for you. But we're the ones sweating. I sweat a lot when we do these. I am soaked through right now. You're always sweating. Really? Have you noticed that? Yes, you're glad you're fucked up. I'm saying, my point is,

I'm not saying what we do is hard. It's just a little bit more than what the audience has to do. So we should enjoy it more. I made my case. All right. You're out of order. You're the devil's advocate. The jinx. All right. We will see. It already is 2019 when you're hearing this, but we'll see you on Monday for the first episode of the year with Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sands. It's going to be a great 2019. Stick with us. We'll see you later. Thanks. Goodbye.

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