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Best of 2019 Pt.1

2019/12/23
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Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast

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Scott Aukerman: 本节目回顾2019年最佳喜剧片段,这是节目第11次评选年度最佳集锦。节目每年都会评选年度最佳集锦,听众投票选出年度最佳的60集节目中的前10集,他本人会对投票结果进行排名。年度最佳集锦会摒弃节目中一些不成熟和不诚实的元素。节目邀请演员和喜剧演员扮演自己或不同角色,节目是即兴表演,对话内容不可预测,有时会变得疯狂。 Paul F. Tompkins: 他免费参与节目制作,对最终的排名结果感到意外。 Jason Momoa: 对节目的评价以及一些与个人经历相关的有趣话题。 Jess McKenna: 扮演国家公园管理员Marjorie Kershaw,角色基于她对国家公园的了解。 Carl Tartt: 扮演O.J. Simpson,模仿了他独特的推特风格。 Jimmy Pardo: 对节目的评价以及一些与个人经历相关的有趣话题。 Edie Patterson: 一直扮演Bean Dip这个角色。 Tim Baltz: 扮演过很多不同的角色,对节目的评价以及一些与个人经历相关的有趣话题。 Tatiana Maslany: 对节目的评价以及一些与个人经历相关的有趣话题。 Christian Brune: 对节目的评价以及一些与个人经历相关的有趣话题。 Kirby Howell-Baptiste: 对节目的评价以及一些与个人经历相关的有趣话题。

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Scott introduces the Best of 2019 episodes, highlighting the countdown of the top Comedy Bang Bang episodes as voted by listeners.

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The pencil is sharpest just before the dawn. My willpower is weakest knelt before a fawn. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2019 Part 1. Not including what we just heard. Not including that. Yeah, that is eligible for next year. We should start voting on catchphrases.

Slippery slope, dear boy. Yes, true enough. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. This is the best of 2019 part one. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And every year we do this. Every year. This is the, I believe, the 11th time we have done a best of as we just celebrated the 10th anniversary. And this is the 11th December. I believe that we have been in existence. And therefore, my math is correct. Yes.

10 plus 1. Hey, man. Congrats. Thank you. Or I guess 11 equals 11 is more of what my math was. This is the 11th December. It cannot be disputed. 11 equals 11. It also equals 7 plus 4, 8 plus 3. Yeah. All sorts of ways the dice can fall. But now you're splitting hairs. We're getting into numerical semantics. True enough. I guess 5 and 6 is the only way the dice can fall on 11. Mm.

Can't do eight and three. Can't do seven and four. Unless you're playing Dungeons or Dragons, my favorite game. Dungeons or Dragons. What if it was Dungeons or Dragons and you had to choose? Isn't it? This is the game I play.

Which one do you prefer, the Dungeons or the Dragons? I prefer the Dragons because at least then you're fighting and stuff. If you roll and you get Dungeon, then you're just in the Dungeon. And that is just a coin that you flip. Yeah. That you roll, sort of like you roll on its side and then it falls either way. Well, you roll it over your knuckles to impress people. Right. Just much like Cesar Romero in Ocean's Eleven. That's right. Then you roll the coin.

uh, on the table. Right. It falls off. It always falls off, which is so much fun for everyone. And then the dungeon or dragon master looks at it on the floor and says, Oh, you got dungeon. You got dungeon. Then you wait in the dungeon until you are maybe paroled or you die. And you have to go before the parole board every. Yes. The dungeon parole board. Yeah. Every year. Yes. So it takes years and years to play. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been in a dungeon for 16 years playing with the same guys. So you, have you ever played dragon? No.

No, I've seen people play Dragon. I've seen like, and that goes by fast. Oh yeah, people are incinerated immediately. My friend Billy, he got Dragon. Is he on the street? Billy on the street. Billy on the street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street.

And he was having a ball. Oh, man. And I got dungeon. And every week I would come back to the game. We've been meeting together for 16 years. Yeah. Immediately you were remanded to the. Yeah, I was remanded. Remanded, yes. To the dungeon. And I would, so I would come back and, you know, I have my painted figurines and everything. Sure. And I would say. The guard allows those because they're not allowed in the cells. No, no, no, no, no. This is me in real life, IRL. Oh. I bring my painted figurines to the game. Oh, but then the guard does not allow them.

No. The guard does not allow my character to have painted figurines. He confiscates them. And smashes them in front of you. Right in front of me. With a big mallet. Like a Gallagher. Like the kind you'd fight a dragon with. Oh, irony. Assuming. Introduce me. You didn't introduce me. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Introduce me as Jason Momoa. Okay. Okay.

Well, every year he's with us. He does these best ofs alongside me, mainly because they're fun to do. And he's on so many episodes. He played Aquaman. Please welcome Jason Momoa. Scott, thank you so much for having me again. I love being here. I love the best ofs. Hold on, hold on. It's me, Jason Momoa. Have you ever...

Shout out to Game of Thrones. Jason Momoa speak. I don't think that's it. I've seen everything. I've seen every one of my pictures and television programs. Remember that one on Netflix? I was in it. That one on Netflix. Love comedy bang bang. Hey, Nong Man. I don't think you can keep this up the entire time. Or kidding a salad. Joking. No, not joking. I love the show. It's the kind of wordplay we enjoy. Yeah.

Jason Momoa. I don't think you can keep this up the entire time. Don't you? I feel like I should introduce the real you. You don't think I can do it? I know you could. You don't think I can do it? Say, you can't handle the truth. You can't handle the truth. That is such a charming dialect where people replace TH sounds with F sounds. It's charming. It's not abrasive. It's also what people with dentures do if they take their dentures out.

Strange that in England... Where I'm from. Of course, Jason Momoa. Jason Momoa. Married to Lisa Bonet. I love Lisa Bonet. I get along well with Lenny Kravitz. We're mates. Remember that video of Lenny Kravitz? Which one? I know I need to be more specific. Not Let Love Rule.

No, the one where... Where his cock came out? Yeah. Yeah. We watch it every year. You watch it every year? Wait till you see my video. Oh, no. I've constructed some flimsy trousers. Is there a specific day you watch it? No, we watch it Christmas season like a Yule log.

We have it looping. We watch it looping. On a loop on the TV. We're looping it. We're looping it, me old China. Don't think for a second we're not looping it.

Telemarketer calls. Jason, my brother, answer it. Should I answer it here on the air? A telemarketer calls but once. Not these days. Oh, my God. How many telemarketer calls do you get a day? Thousands. Thousands and thousands. One a second. Me mobile never stops ringing. At a certain point, we're just going to throw these things away or disable the phone parts of them. Too right. Too right. Too right. Tell me about Aquaman.

He's a charismatic figure. I meant the movie, not the character. Oh. The movie is loud, flashy, incomprehensible, and not seen by me. Wait, you said you saw all of your movies. I've never seen Aquaman. You're a liar. I'm a liar. You are a liar. Jason Momoa, the liar. Is Aquaman a liar? Yeah. Yeah.

He can't talk to fish. He can't talk to fish. Everything that happens is just a coincidence. Really? This is the most coincidental movie I think I've ever seen. That's how I played him. I played him as a liar. You played him? A pathological liar. Every time someone says, hey, tell those dolphins what to do, I notice you get a nervous look in your eyes and they start darting about. You notice my eyes look back and forth, back and forth. And then I say, oh, dolphins! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I think if you've never heard this show before, you're very confused as to what's happening right now. Why would, do you think there's anyone? Paul F. Tompkins is back. Hi, I'm back. Yay, Paul F. Tompkins, of course. Comedian extraordinaire, raconteur, member of the raconteurs with Jack White. You played bass, I believe between the years of 2005, 2007? Yes. Not with that band though. Not with that band. Just at home. Yeah.

You were a member of the Rocketeurs. You didn't play bass for them. I refused. You were the mascot. Yeah. I would come out in the big Rocketeurs costume. Right. It was just a giant Jack White. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big foam head. It was about approximately two feet taller than the real Jack White. Yeah. And you know what's weird? It was, inside that costume, full.

freezing cold. Usually they're incredibly hot. How did they get it freezing cold? Yes, and unbearably close. But this one was, it was frigid in there. Yeah. Freezingly hot. Did you see that? Undeniably close. I didn't see that movie. I did too. Why did I see that? Why did we see it? I went to a screening with Leo Allen. Oh, you went outdoors to see it. Yes. Can you believe it? How is Leo?

I mean, this was years ago. How was he then? He was great then. Good. Even better now, I hope. Please give him my best. I hope to see him soon. I have not seen it. He lives in New York usually. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? You did that for a year. I did. Never again, dear boy. You lived up in the tip of the Statue of Liberty's crown, did you not? Yeah, I did. Was that a crown she's wearing? I live in the Crown District. It is a crown she's wearing. It is? Yeah. Is she some sort of queen or princess? You don't have to be royalty to wear a crown.

Isn't that funny? That is funny. Anybody can wear a crown. So anyone just off the street, including Billy, can just go into a store and buy a crown? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you can make your own. Who cares? It's strange that they call the part of the head the crown, and then you also wear a crown. That would get confusing. Two things called crown right next to each other. That's like if you just said the hat of the head. Yeah, the hat of the hat. Yes, a rock fell on him, and he got a nasty cut on the hat of his head. Yeah.

When he was battling a dragon. What? What? What? It would be like if you called the pupils of your eyes the glasses. The glasses of the, yeah. Well, we've talked about it on this show. Glass is one of the only things that is a noun but describes what it is made of as well. It's true. And iron, perhaps? Iron? No, iron certainly. And is there anything, steel? No. I guess you can't describe a steel.

Maybe a sword is a steel. You can't describe a steel. No, I mean, steel is not a noun. Not a steel, but certainly steel. Steel is, but that, again, you wouldn't say like, hey, that steel is made of steel. It's just steel. But are irons made of iron still? I don't know what they are anymore. I believe they... Now they're plexiglass. Perhaps, yeah. What is the bottom of an iron? If not... Oh, what is the bottom of an iron? Iron.

As the immortal bard. Oh, the poet's sick of it. What is the bottom of an iron? Oh, what did you just hit there? Mic technique, mic technique, mic technique. Hi, I'm mic technique. Would you like to learn how to fix this microphone? Because I need you to. I'm Skip Intro, and this is mic technique. Ha ha ha!

You know, the incredible duo, Skip Intro and Mike Technique. We do this every year, the Comedy Bang Bang Best Of episodes. Normally... Hey, hey, hey. Do you think people call us the incredible duo? The incredible duo. That's not bad. That's not bad at all. I mean, I'll take it. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind at all. Sure. If you want to call us the incredible duo, we'll be called the incredible duo.

We called the incredible duo. Yeah, yeah. So what? We probably wouldn't argue with it, certainly. No, I'm not going to talk anybody out of it. No, I mean, I wouldn't, you know, get in front of a court and hire a lawyer to- For eating crackers. And then kick him out of bed. Hey, lawyer, get in bed. I wouldn't get in front of a court and hire lawyers for eating crackers. And into my car. Billy, he's in the ocean. He is. Billy in the ocean. Do you think it's the same Billy? I think it is.

He's also a kid. This is a kid who's in the ocean and in the street? Yeah. He's a kid in the ocean. And a goat on the street? These are the four billies. The kid. The kid. Ocean. Ocean. Goat. On the street. On the street.

The four Billys. The four Billys. This is a shirt. This is what, you think so? I think so. Okay. Let's get the rights to, do you think Billy Eichner's likeness has been trademarked at this point? No, I don't think so. Let's get in early and often. I'm sure he has neglected to do that. Yeah. And it's too bad. It's too bad. Because he's a friend, but this is business. This is show, this is t-shirt business, not t-shirt friends. T-shirt business, t-shirt friends.

And we have to decide right now on Mike the spelling of Billy's. I think it's YS. Billy's. So it's up top. It's Billy's up top. Up top. Party in the back. Yeah. Up top, party in the back. Right.

So Billy's with a Y, S, and then there's pictures. I would imagine there's two. It's two by two. It's like a square. Yeah, Noah's Ark style. Yeah. Sure. You have two giraffes, two elephants. In one square, all the animals that were on Noah's Ark. Every animal. Every single one. And it's so, the images are so small. You have to really get up close to see what it is. It's like that Jim Carrey poster for, what was it? What was the dude? Truman Show.

That was the original, the poster of that movie. And it was made up of many little images. Many little images, but it made one big Jim Carrey. So it makes. Oh, like life. We all make up one big Jim Carrey. Yeah, the many images of our lives make up one big Jim Carrey. Do you think we're all in Jim Carrey's imagination? He has a fertile imagination. You have to agree. Oh, absolutely. You've seen his paintings. Sure, yeah.

He's got a fertile and febrile imagination. Yeah. Now, febrile, that's a word. I don't know it. I know what it is, but I don't know what it means. Okay, let's look it up. Or let's ask Siri. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. Siri, what does febrile mean? I found this on the web. Febrile means...

Having or showing the symptoms of a fever. Shit. Oh, no. I think I'm a little febrile. My nose is running. She got exhausted with you asking so many times, and then she's like, read it. I found this on the web. I tried to tell you twice. And now I'm just telling you, look it up on the web yourself. Now fish for life, asshole.

By the way, we have Kevin over here. Chef Kevin. We have him over here. We have him over here in the booth, and he's texting me answers. I don't want answers from the likes of you. I want Siri to tell me. I'm going to hold up my phone. Kevin, what does febrile mean? Let's see if he texts you. He wouldn't dare. He would never. Why did we give him our numbers? Why did we give him our numbers? He can contact us at any time now.

Sometimes he'll, I think he thinks I sleep with my phone by my bed because like in the middle of the night, he'll text me, boo, with a ghost emoji. Oh, so. I don't sleep, my phone's not in the bedroom. When I see that next morning, it's not scary during the day. Where do you keep your phone? In a safe? Yeah, at the bank. So every morning. Every morning. You have to go down to the safety deposit box. I get to go down to the safety deposit box.

And get my phone out of the bank. And your jewelry. And all my costume jewelry. My...

Paste jewelry. It's worthless. Why do you keep it there? To confuse the thieves, Scott. Oh, so they take that instead of your phone. Yes. Because you can only take so much stuff if you break into a safety deposit box. Exactly, because of the timer. They see me wearing this gaudy jewelry about, they think this guy must have- He's loaded. They don't even think about the phone. They think, I have a phone.

I'm not going to steal a phone. Yeah, everyone has a phone. Who needs it? I mean, I want that jewelry. Exactly. I want that jewelry. Those pearls falling on the ground. It's pearls. Oh, because of Batman. Oh, the Mark of Zorro himself. And then Joe Chill came up and he shot us all. You pounded on the table and it's still reverberating. Is it really? I don't know whether people could hear it. I could hear like a hum. I'm powerful. I'm trying to make the water glasses go Jurassic Park. Do you hear it now?

I do. I thought there was like a noise from outside, but it was no, it's these, it's these coils and everything. Stop, stop doing it. I'm trying to end it. It is fun. You got to admit.

Joe Chill, in retrospect, it was probably a name that when they, by the way, Joe Chill is the robber that shot Thomas and Martha Wayne, the Batman's parents themselves. When they picked it, it was like chill, like chilling or something. But now it just sounds stupid. Like Joe Chill. He's a very relaxed guy. He's so chill.

Do you remember there was a Batman comic where Batman confronted Joe Chill after years and years and years? Oh, yeah, yeah. Ripped off his cowl. And he's like, I was me! It's like, how would he remember? You created me! Yeah, like all the guys he's killed over the years, he's not going to remember these two idiots. Well, also in that moment, he's like, I guess that's what he would look like all grown up. Ha ha ha!

I do remember a kid. Similar eyes, I guess. Noses grown. But then Batman did not kill him, did he? Did he kill him? No, as I recall, the writer wrote himself into a bit of a corner because you can't just reveal yourself to be Batman and then there's Joe Chill running around going, hey, Batman took off his mask. Do you know that Bruce Wayne guy? He's fucking Batman. He's Batman. So I believe Joe Chill had a heart attack at the sight of Batman and realizing what he did and then passed away. Yeah, sure.

Wouldn't that be nice? If people had heart attacks anytime you took off anything. That's not what I was thinking. That would be nice. Just take off my clothes? If you could suddenly whip off a scarf or something and make somebody have a heart attack. Excuse me while I whip this off. Every year we do this. Every year we do this. If you've never heard this show before. No one asked for this, by the way. It's important to note. No one ever asked us to do this.

I do recall the first year, yeah, no one asked for it. And then people said they kind of liked it. But I think the second year we changed the format.

What was the old format? Well, this is the original format. I think we've done it 10 out of the 11 years. But the second year, someone convinced me to not rank the episodes. They just said, like, here are good moments from people or something like that. Yeah, yeah. All of these, by the way, I believe, are kept up for free. They're not behind the paywall. We keep the best ofs out there. And a lot of people tell me that this is the first Comedy Bang Bang episode that they have ever heard. So let me explain what the show is. That's madness. Madness.

It is, sort of, but I enjoy it. Let me explain what the- No, no, look over there. Huh? It's the band Madness. Oh. Where are they? Our house? Yeah. I mean, are we in the middle of the street? I believe we are. With Billy! Billy! So the quads are- Yes. All the animals do. All the animals do. Including goats. Yes. Oh, of course. So they're covered. Yeah. Billy Eichner. Right. Billy Ocean. Right. Right.

And then the kid. And then the kid. Yeah. And the kid is. Is it a young kid named Billy? Like a child actor? Is there a child? Here, let me ask Siri. It's Jackie Coogan. Siri, is there a young child actor named Billy? Yelling at him like an elderly relative. Just a sec. I couldn't find exactly what you were looking for, but I did find some of their selections with young and child.

Oh, oh, Siri. Siri, whose name is Billy? Siri, belay that order. I don't want any of those popping up on my search forms. Everything you're saying is turning up on my screen. Siri, whose name is Billy? Siri, believe that order. I don't want any. Siri, whose name is Billy? Sorry, I'm still not sure about that. You'll need to unlock your iPhone.

All right. Fun with Siri. This is a whole show in and of itself. Fun with Siri. Fun with Siri. We should do this as a show. Stitcher premium show. Absolutely. We just ask Siri things all day. Absolutely, yeah. Comedy Bang Bang is a show. It started in 2009.

We just had our 10th anniversary this year. And essentially what it is, is I'm the host, Scott Aukerman, and I have... I'm the guest, Paul F. Tompkins. Yes, currently. And this is what we do. We talk to guests. And this is... The best ofs, by the way, are where we put aside the... Childish things? Childish things and the veil of dishonesty that hangs over the show during the normal year.

Oh, fiddling with that mic, fiddling with that mic. Don't worry about it. Well, it's making noise. Well, I'm trying to do things to make it better. Do it silently. And every show is normally a combination of speaking to –

actors and comedians, people in show business, and they are playing themselves. And then we also have comedians on who play different characters. And we don't say that during the show. We just introduce the comedians as whatever characters they're playing. And so some people don't listen to the best ofs for the first episode and they drop in and they think that these people are real people.

Uh, but the show is not meant to be, it's not like a Phil Hendry thing where that we're pranking anyone. It's just the last time somebody thought that one of the characters was a real person. It happens a lot. Actually. It happened quite a bit with, uh, still. Yeah. Kevin's over here nodding his head instead of texting us for a change. We just get texts. Yes. Wait a whole second. Kevin texted me a video. No, it's him nodding. Um, um,

Yes, people still – yes, Queen. People still get confused a little bit. I heard a lot, especially with your – you do a character occasionally, the famous director Werner and now actor Werner Herzog. That's right. From The Mandalorian. You've done this for several years on the show, and people have listened to the show and thought that it was the real Werner Herzog and the real Werner Herzog was very funny. And they were like, wow, he's a really funny guy. Yeah. But it is you doing an impression. Yeah.

And that happens quite a bit. I would think that the show is so ridiculous that people would understand that people are just fucking around with it. But we fool them. We got them. Drag them. Here's the thing I love. Getting these people. Yes. Oh, when I realized they got, they fell for it.

But that is not what the show is about. We're not here trying to prank people. It's just a happy accident. An improvisational show where comedians come on. We never discuss what we're going to talk about beforehand. It's all just in the moment. And these conversations come up and we never know where they're going to go. And occasionally they descend into madness. Madness. They call it madness. Madness.

That's Madness' theme song. Did Madness have a song called Madness? Yeah, Madness. Madness. They call it Madness. Don't do that. Madness. Madness. What other bands have had theme songs about themselves? The Monkees, obviously. Hey, hey, we are the, et cetera. Let's go down to Beatles Town.

Let's get down to Beatles town. We're the Beatles. We're clowning around. You have general public, Bad Company. Although Bad Company, that wasn't really a theme song as much as they were singing about the concept of Bad Company. Is that true?

Yeah, well, is Madness singing about the band Madness or the concept of Madness? I think they're singing about the concept of Madness. The Monkees were definitely singing about themselves. We are the Monkees. Yes. Hey, hey. There aren't a lot of bands who have done that. No. We are the Monkees and... Herman's Hermits. We are Herman's Hermits. Herman, he's our father and we all live in a cave. We don't get out much.

He's agoraphobic, and that's why we live here. Didn't rhyme. Urbids, urbids. Okay. Urbids, urbids. Urbids, urbids. That's the very end of the song.

I wish more songs were that length. It's not bad, yeah. When your favorite song comes on, it's like, oh, I love this song, but then it just drags on for two or three minutes. I like every song for two minutes, and then any over, like, I love it, and then 201, I'm like, ugh, I hate this. What are you still doing here? Songs are like guests and fish. Mm, yeah.

They expire after three days. Is that what the saying is? I like them both black. Guests and fish and songs. I love having black guests. And I love the movie Blackfish. Blackfish. Oh, Oriental City. Blackfish, Oriental City. Oh, Maria. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.

By the way, you don't have to be 50 years old to enjoy this show. By the way, you don't have to listen to this. You just are. You just are. You're in control. You don't have to listen to this if you don't want to. You just are listening to it.

So every year, Paul and I gather around the holidays time, and it truly is around the holidays time. They're undisputable. I mean, snow is on the ground. Jack Frost, that old crafty weather wizard himself. He's nipping at your nose. Jason, you're back. Right. I love Christmas. It's Lenny Kravitz when the whole dong Yule log comes out. That's right. Jingle bells. Et cetera.

That's another... Oh, by gosh, by golly. That's another song, Jingle Bells. Goes on too long. That's another song. Jingle Bells? Yeah. How about Happy Birthday? Another one. Another one. National Anthem. Now there's three songs? That's...

It's like we have enough songs. How many songs do we need? I couldn't believe when the alphabet went up to 26 letters. But that's the thing. Songs these days, and now every song that comes out, they're getting sued for being a different song. We're out of songs. We're out of songs. Just enough. At this point, we should say...

We have enough songs. Let's just cycle through and make, you know, different ones. Look, Mariah Carey just happened this week. Look at her. A 25-year-old song is now the number one song in America. That's what we should do. Just, like, go back through old songs that didn't reach number one and say, this is the most popular song. Old enough to vote, drink, and fuck. And rent a car. And rent a car. Yeah, of course. Finally old enough to rent a car. How old do you have to be legally to have sex? Well, depends where you're from.

And depends on with whom. Ooh la la, sex. But every... Ooh la la, sex, that's a shirt. Ooh la la, sex, absolutely. Absolutely is a shirt. Ooh la la, sex. That's everything. I can see that on a belt buckle. Ooh la la, sex. Ooh la la.

This person's impressed and thinks sex is sexy. I mean, let's, I think we forget that it is. It is so sexy. It's like, we're so used to sexy things. Guys like us, we're used to it, right? We have sex all the time. We have wives. Sure. Yeah. You're constantly having sex with that. Having sex every day. It's like, yeah. Why? It becomes commonplace. Why buy the cow? Yeah. When you can instead have sex with your wife. No.

Between the two, I'd much rather have sex with my wife than go through the hassle of buying a cow. Buying a cow and then not having sex with it? Yes. What if you bought a cow and you could never have sex with your wife again? And you couldn't have sex with a cow either because that's bestiality, of course. You shouldn't do that. Yeah, the cow can't consent. Exactly. What if cows could consent? What if you taught, you know those horses that like clomp on the ground in order to say yes or no? Oh, I know those guys.

So that's, we can teach horses to consent to things. One for yes, two for no. By clomping on the ground. We've proved we can teach horses consent. We've proven that horses can understand English and answer our questions thoughtfully. So we can have- They can answer binary questions thoughtfully. We can have sex with horses. Those are the, that's the one animal. If they consent. If they consent to it. Yes. You have to go, you sweet talk that horse. Yes.

Give it a little bit of peanut butter. Hey, you look gorgeous. Your hair. You're nude. Ha ha ha ha!

Mind if I join you? There's a shirt right there. A horse. And above it it says, you're nude and underneath. Mind if I join you? That's not a bad shirt. These are good shirt ideas for the holidays. These are good shirts. Will I see money from these shirts? Oh, I mean, we'll talk about that. Certainly between the lawyers. We'll get our lawyers involved. Between the lawyers. Is that your next movie? Shut up! Your next movie. Oh, fuck.

How did he turn that around so fast? I know, because Between Two Ferns was your last movie. It's true. That was my last picture. What movies have you been in? I can name them all for you. Okay. Aquaman. Aquaman. The king of the seven seas. All seven. I love how he gets around to all seven of them. Can we name them? Yeah. Atlantic Ocean. Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean. Indian Ocean. Dead Sea. Baltic Sea. Baltic Sea.

Sea of Japan. Wait, no, they're all oceans, right? Aren't the seven seas? No, the seven seas. There are seven oceans. Oh, God, we're stupid. Well, but they also call the ocean the sea. Okay. There's not seven separate from the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean. Right. Okay. What's the difference between a sea and an ocean? This is all like rudimentary seventh grade geography questions. I don't know. I just know it when I see it.

Like pornography. What? Hey, Siri, what's the difference between an ocean and a sea? And by the way, don't give me those pictures of young children. You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. Ha ha. All right. Hey, Siri, what's the difference between an ocean and a sea? I found this on the web. Siri, what's the difference between Associate Tennessee? That's what I thought I said. Associate Tennessee? Yeah.

Siri, what's the difference between an ocean and a sea? Here's what I found. Fuck you. A sea is a... Next Tuesday. Caesar, see you next Tuesday.

Seas are smaller than oceans and are usually located where the land and the ocean meet. That's cute. Typically, seas are partially enclosed by land. Or is the land partially enclosed by the sea? Well, that's like, is it a rabbit or a duck? Yeah, that's true. Usually it's a rabbit. Is it a hag or a beautiful young lady? Yeah. Is it a six or a nine?

69. Up top. Nice. All right. So we do this every year. Literally. Every year we do this. And I know we have not gotten to these best of clips. And I have not even finished describing what happens on this. This is part of the fun, though. This is part of the fun. Every year, you, the voters, vote on your favorite episodes of the year. We put out approximately 60 per year episodes.

And you, the voters, then take a look at all these episodes, tabulate it in your mind, vote for your top 10 favorites out of all the 60. And we then rank them. Well, we don't rank them. They come out ranked. I rank them. You're ranking them separately? Yes.

You've ranked all these episodes? Yes. No wonder you're in so many of them. Oh, that's nice to hear. So every year we go, we run through the top episodes of the year. We hear clips from them. And we discuss them. And it's a lot of fun. And we do this in four different long-ass episodes with long-ass clips. And look-

No one's getting paid for this except Scott. I do this for free because I love the show. Okay. What? What? All right. What do you mean? I don't know. I don't understand. I don't understand any noises. What do your noises mean? I don't know why you're saying that on mic, certainly. Well, because I'm very transparent, Scott.

You are incredibly transparent right now. Yeah. You're like the invisible man. I wish I could be translucent. Yeah. That's nice. I think I like that word. I think it's a pretty word. It is very pretty. It's a lot prettier than vermilion. I'll tell you that much. Oh, Mr. Horn. God rest him. He died, you know. Mr. David Horn. Mr. David T. Horn. Do you think that he's down in hell and has horns? No! Wait, do you think like he's in charge?

You think only the devil himself gets horns? The guy in charge? Yeah. I think that when you're down there burning in hell, they throw you a bone. Why would they? Why would they give you horns? So you could go stick them up someone else's bum. No, I don't think so. I think you're there to be punished. You're there exclusively to be punished. This is your Catholicism, by the way. It's true. It's true.

I believe in a hell where when you get down there, they give you some horns and say, look, you're here to be tortured, but have some fun. And I believe in hell every man will have horns.

If you don't know what we're talking about with Vermillion, that is a story for another day and has been told on a different show, I would imagine. That was a different day. Or this show. It might have been this show. It might have been during the best ofs in a previous year. Wow. We'll run through them all. We'll run through Vermillion, Mr. Microphone Commercial. I mean The Simpsons. Oh, my God.

We don't have a song this year. We don't have a song to sing, but we perhaps will be hearing some music. So every year we hear these clips and we count them down from a number which changes every year. This year it's going to be 15. We'll hear our top 15 episodes of the year. What was it last year? Probably 13, 14. It always is like 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, somewhere in there. Why do you do this?

Do what? You change the number. Why do you do it? What do you do? Yeah.

It has to do with the presentation of it, what I think will make a good episode, which, you know, clips would be good. Oh, and I have no say in this? You have no say in it because I like, and longtime listeners know, that Paul F. Tompkins is surprised every year by the episodes which get onto the best ofs and which also, in what order they appear. Well, I'm a very... Petulant... Yes? Yes.

I'm very vermilion. Translucent. Oh, if only. I hope you're not just saying that. I hope you really think I'm translucent. I would love for you to be translucent someday. Thank you. I hope that at least after you pass on, you somehow become translucent. I hope it's in the coffin for my funeral that people can come up and see me and say, he's translucent. He's translucent. Look at the bottom of that coffin.

And the bottom on Paul F. Tompkins. Right? Yeah, because I'll be face down. Face down, as Prince said. Please put me in my coffin face down. Please put me in my coffin face down. That's how I sleep. I'm a stomach sleeper. And I want a full showing. I want people to come and look at me. Yeah. Yes. Has that ever happened at a funeral, do you think, where the first person gets up there is like,

Why did they put the person face down? Yeah, I'm sure. And did they talk to someone and say, hey, could you turn him over so we can look at him? Of course, you would think it was a mistake. Or her, by the way. Or her. Do you think when J-Lo dies, she'll... She'll want to be face down? Yeah. Like, everyone wants to see this. Right? Even in death. Even in death. This. Everyone wants to see this. What would you say? These? That. These cakes? These.

These cakes! These cakes, boss. That is a character that Paul F. Tompkins does. It's true. And took him out of retirement. On the live episodes that we did this year, we did about, I think we did 12 or so shows this year out there in the world. And we'll be hearing the top one episode of those.

As well. We had a separate poll where people voted on the live episodes and which were their favorites. And we'll be hearing the number one episode that everyone chose in addition to these top 15 episodes. Very interesting. Very interesting. Yeah. R.I.P. Artie Johnson. Vetti. Interesting. Vetti. Interesting. When did Artie Johnson pass away? I think either this year or last year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Talk about between two ferns.

He would peek out. He would peek out from between them. In a Nazi helmet. He was a Nazi. This was laughing, which was an insane show. And Artie Johnson was a comedian. During the 60s, Goldie Hawn was on it. The rest.

Rowan and Martin, of course. Oh, of course, Rowan and Martin. They put themselves in the title. Two funniest guys in the world. And then Ruth Buzzy was on there. Sure. Alan Suess. Richard Nixon. Henry Gibson. Richard Nixon was on the show for a while. They've all seen the clip where he first came on and said, sock it to me. Sock it to me.

But a lot of people don't know. People loved him so much. He was a cast member for the next three years. Yeah. It was like when Obama did Between Two Ferns. Yeah. He said, I want to do more stuff. I have more time. I want to be dancing in the party scene. And so, yeah, he's there in the movie. Yeah. He's a background artist in the movie. Yeah.

By the way, if this is your first episode of Comedy Bang Bang, little plug up here at the top. I directed a movie this year called Between Two Ferns. No, Between Two Ferns the movie. Little plug. And that's available on Netflix, and I would like people to watch it, so please go watch it. Let's go put the little plug into your brain. And Paul F. Tompkins is featured in the movie. It is his final movie. I don't know if I'd say featured. You're featured. Here's the movies I was in. Jack Frost. Okay.

Voice only in Magnolia. Yeah, I remember that. But you shot your side of the conversation, did you not? And they only used your voice. Yes, I did. Tenacious D in the pick of destiny. Okay. There will be blood. There will be blood. You're in approximately four seconds of that or so. Between two ferns. That's it?

Animated? Oh, animated, sure. In the movie Tangled. Tangled! You have a great part in Tangled. Did you also segue into the series of Tangled? I'm also in the TV show as well. I have to watch Tangled. It's a beautiful looking show. Yeah, I gotta see that. Is it on Disney Plus now? The artwork is beautiful.

Yes. He says with authority, certainly knowing the answer. I think anything with Disney in it is automatically on Disney+. I hope so, yeah. I'll check that out. Anyway, some great films. Oh, a discography that has lasted, no, filmography rather. They're all on disc. They are all on digital video disc, but has spanned two decades. Archival footage in Run, Runny Run. What year was Jack Frost, your first film? 99.

98 or 99. So two decades. An incredible career that has spanned two decades and five films. One every four years or so. Yeah. Incredible. And it takes a long time to make a film. I think that's it. Was I in anything else? I think that's it. Hold on. Siri, has Paul F. Tompkins ever been in a movie? So rude. This might be what you're looking for. Oh.

Heckler? Let me take care of this. Siri, am I in any movies? Here are some movies. Here are some movies! Well, by the way— Let's see. Queen and Slim, not in that. They Shall Not Grow Old, not in that. Dark Waters, no. Black Christmas, no. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Midway, 21 Bridges. I'm not in any of these. Siri just said, this might be what you're looking for, and brought me the movie Heckler, Jizzy Entertainment.

Oh, Heckler was a movie I tricked into being in. Ah, Michael Addis is the director. Yes, he tricked me. How did he trick you? Did he answer your three questions? He said it was a movie about a documentary that was about heckling, but then the movie was really about Jamie Kennedy going up to people who gave his movies bad reviews and saying, why'd you do that? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Because reviews are not heckles. It's a professional agreement that we enter into when we make things that people who have jobs with major publications. Well, wonderful. Well, wonderful. I believe we have to get to our first clip. Are we ready to do this? I'm ready. You're ready? I'm ready. I'm definitely ready.

As I said, we are going to be counting down the top 15 plus one live episode, and let's get to it. This is episode 15. Number one, five. Okay, episode 15. Here's what you got to know. Yeah. Go ahead. Okay, you're setting me up so I can knock them down. That's right. Episode 15 is episode 606.

And it is called, it is from June 17th, by the way. Summer. Summer. And it is called Treasure Hunting with Silver Sun Pickups.

I remember this episode. You remember this episode, Paul, because you are in this episode. I saved the role of Brock Lovett. You certainly did. Now let's talk about this. Silver Sun Pickups are a band here from Silver Lake and great people who are also fans of this show and listen to it regularly and wanted to be on the show. And they came and they...

You can hear them in this clip. They are talking a lot during it. And I don't know. That sounds bad. Like they're talking a lot. I want people to talk a lot over it. No, I want people to talk a lot. So that is a good thing. Yeah, it's a show. It is a show and an audio medium where people need to talk a lot. Otherwise, it would be long stretches of silence. So I'm grateful to them for coming. I've also heard that they and I just got a message that they want to come and do characters on the show. No, really? Yes. So do people want to hear this?

Maybe let's have him on in 2020 doing characters. I'll be the musical guest. Musical guest. Musical guest, Paul F. Tompkins. That also happened to me on the television show. Joe Jonas, who's a nice young man, who is one of the – one-third of the Jonas Brothers, the musical act, and perhaps one-fourth of the Jonas Brothers, the people. Yeah.

He came on the television show and he wanted to come back and do a character at some point. And then the show ended before he could. Well, I have a story to tell you about him off mic. Oh, good. I'd love to hear it. This. So in this episode. I should say this. It's very mild for anyone who's listening. Very racy. Wants to know what. No, it's the opposite. Oh, it's mild. Oh, it's not spicy. Yeah.

Do you think mild is spicy? Because that would explain... Anytime that I order a burrito and they say, what kind of salsa do you want? I'm like, oh, give me mild, I guess. Ugh! Too spicy. I love mild. It's so spicy.

So in this episode, Silver Sun pickups are themselves and Nikki and Brian are there talking. They also played acoustic songs. And then we're going to hear three different clips. And in the first clip,

Paul here is playing Brock Lovett, who is a treasure hunter. And we'll actually, I believe, hear a lot about what his particulars are. But this is a character that you based upon Bill Paxton, the actor. Well, I based it upon a character that Bill Paxton played. Right. It's vocally based upon Bill Paxton as well. It's vocally based because this is a made-up guy. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's a great workaround if you do an impression of someone, but they're not alive anymore. You can do a character. Yes. Yeah. Is that how – did you start doing him around the house or how did you – Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what happens. I wake up every morning. After I get my phone out of the bank, I come back home and I say to my wife – And this is like a three-hour process. Yes. My wife is just waking up when I get back with the phone. And I say – The banks don't open until –

9 a.m. What time does she wake up? Noon. Noon. Okay. All right. So I say, honey, who... I shrunk the kids. First, that unpleasant news. Every morning. Honey, I did it again. We haven't talked about your whole shrinking ray. No. That's like for... I don't like to talk about that. We don't want to get into that. But after that, after I deliver that blow, I say, honey, whom shall I be today?

And she'll name characters. She'll name actors. If she names a dead actor, I say, can I have the cheat? And she says, yes. Can I have the hall pass, I call it. For you to do an impression of a dead actor. Yes. And so that means I can use a character that they have portrayed. Wonderful. And so she did that. She said that to you. She was like, I'm in the mood for a little Bill Paxton today. And I said, would you accept Brock Lovett, his character from Titanic? Yes.

And she said, Hall Pass, you got her boyfriend. And so then what happened? You just go around the house doing him or? I have to do it all day. All day? All day. So every day you're a different person. For my wife. For my wife. So Brock Lovett will hear about what he, not only his history, but also what he is up to now. And then we are going to hear from the comedian Jess McKenna, Jessica McKenna.

as she is perhaps professionally known. Perhaps. Who could say? Who could? Well, Siri could say, but I don't want to waste any more time. She plays the character of Park Ranger Marjorie Kershaw, who...

I believe she started doing this character because she, Jessica, knows a ton about national parks. Yes, she does. She's very fascinated by national parks. She legitimately does. And incorporates all of that knowledge into a character who is a park ranger at these national parks. So we're going to hear three different clips from this episode. This is your number 15. Number one, five. Brock Lovett, welcome back.

Where's Brock? Oh, sorry. Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, hi, Brock. Sorry I introduced you without you being in the room, but I looked to my right and you were not there. I'm so sorry. I saw a puddle in your lobby and I was investigating it for treasure. Okay, I can understand that. Did you find anything? I did not find anything. You did not find anything. Oh, yeah, I should have asked. I'm sorry.

a good interviewer would do a follow-up. I extremely suggest you get better at interviewing. Thank you very much, Brock. It's only your second time on the show and you just started this second time. I don't know whether you... Well, last time you let me ramble on like an idiot, you could have told me way sooner...

That there was a movie called Titanic. Let me catch people up. Where the Cordula mare was thrown into the ocean by some old lady that I had to listen to for hours. If you have not heard Brock's previous episode, he is a treasure hunter who dives down deep into the bodies of water. Triple D, baby. Dives down deep. Dive down deep. Yeah.

And you call it a triple D. I call it a triple D. Yeah, which is off-putting. Let's go, gang. We're going to triple D. Right. Are there any women on your crew or? Yes, some. Okay, don't be so dismissive. Yeah, thank you for the second time. Number two, ding. Now, when you were on the show last time, you talked about the Cordillermare. The Cordillermare. Cordillermare, which is in. The heart of the ocean. The heart of the ocean. This necklace that you were in search of. This necklace, so dismissive.

Well, it's a necklace. It's precious treasure. It's precious treasure that you had been in search of for several years. Several years. And you did not know that there was a movie called Titanic, which had a fictionalized version of you in it. It was hidden from me. People went out of their way to hide this from me. Where Rose, is that her name? Yeah. The old woman? The old woman Rose. She...

Rose, whom in real life you had befriended. Yeah. She hid the fact from you. She became one of my best friends. She hid the fact from you that she threw that necklace into the ocean. Yeah. And then they captured that on film in an officialized version. She not only hid that she had it the whole time. While you were talking to her, you had a long conversation with her. Yeah. She could have opened her flowery shirt and shown you her décolletage.

upon which he was resting. How do you know she was wearing a flowery shirt? Well, in the movie, I believe she was. Oh, the movie again. You don't have to ask me how I know something. It's all in the movie. Well, I'm talking about my real life. What was she wearing then?

She's wearing a flowery top. All right, are you happy? I am happy. I'm normally pretty happy. Is that true? No, not really. So you found all this out. Did you go back and watch the movie since the last episode that you did? Oh, yeah, I did. You did. It's a three-hour, approximately 180 minutes. I mean, this is like, you know, three and a half Silver Sun pickups records. Felt like four hours. Did it? Why? Did you keep pausing it and going to the bathroom?

Yeah, I kept doing that. Not even to relieve myself or anything. Sometimes I just pause it, go to the bathroom. Just hang out in there? Just stand in there and think. About treasure? Wouldn't even turn the light on. Always thinking about treasure. Yeah, good for you. Are you ever in your restroom? Thank you. No one ever sees it that way. Good for me for always thinking about treasure. You ever in your restroom and you're like, let me just reach down into the toilet, see if there's anything clogged up in the drain. I've been down that road.

I finally trained myself to realize no one's coming in and putting treasure in there. It's my bathroom. No one's getting in there. Do you ever leave a little treasure in there, if you know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. Oh, I'm talking about taking a huge dump. Yeah. Thank you, Nicky. That's not treasure.

Well, one man's trash. I like to joke about a lot of stuff. Treasure is one thing I don't like to joke about. You do not like to joke about treasure. I do not like to joke about treasure. I apologize. I hunt it, you see. I do know that about you. So you saw the movie. What was your reaction to it? Didn't like it. Yeah, I can imagine. Didn't like it. Beyond just the parts where they were truly concealing from me things that had happened, made a fool out of me. Sure. I don't know. I just thought it was...

Corny. It was long. Yeah. Well, it was a romance movie. That's fine, but... Do you have romance in your life? I mean... Sure I do. Are you seeing anyone? I was seeing Rose's granddaughter. You were? For a while, yeah. Wasn't I? I don't remember. I don't recall. I think that I was. Georgia class. Georgia class. Class. Georgia class. Nice.

Is that a Brady Bunch reference? Yes, it is. Brady Bunch is treasure. Brady Bunch is treasure. It's TV treasure. That's right. So you didn't like – how did you feel about the portrayal? Bill – what's his name? Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton, yeah. Rest in peace. He's no longer with us. That's right. How did you feel about his portrayal of your – I mean just listening to you and seeing that movie, I think it's pretty close. Yeah.

I thought, well, I guess. I thought he was, you know, he did a good job with what he was given. Right. He's physically, he's a lot different than you. Yeah, that's right. He's way shorter. Right.

I mean, one of the things that makes me a great treasure hunter is I'm almost seven feet tall. That's right. So if there's ever an ocean that's eight feet tall, like you're able to reach down in there. Yeah, no problem. An eight feet tall ocean? That's no challenge for me. Are they always deep or are they sometimes tall? No, they're tall. There's like a...

That's how treasure hunters... There's some really tall oceans. That's how treasure hunters... That's treasure hunter lingo. And that's how they hunt mostly. They just take their long arms and dive into the ground. It's a lot of... That's where it starts is you just reach in the water. Reach in the stuff. Move your hand around. What's the first treasure you ever found? First treasure... Obviously, it was a doubloon. Of course. Of course.

Where were you? And how old were you? And why were you? And when were you? It was Detroit, Michigan. Detroit, Michigan? What bodies of water are around there? The Great Lakes. The Great Lakes, of course. Yeah. So it was at one of the Great Lakes?

It was at one of the great lakes. Which one was it? Lake Michigan. Oh, of course. That tracks. And we were there on vacation, my family and I. Oh, so wait. So were you young or were you married at the time? Which family? Your parents or your wife? My parents. Your parents. Yeah. How old were you?

I was seven years old. Okay. And I reached my hand into the shortest part of Lake Michigan. Sure. How tall were you then? Because, I mean, when did your growth spurt happen? I was 5'9". You were 5'9 and seven years old. Wow. Okay. And I reached my hand in the short part of the lake. The south side.

The south side, that's right. You've been there. Yeah, yeah, the short side. Sure. And I came up with a shiny doubloon. Wow, a doubloon? Who had left it there? I guess some Spanish galleon must have sunk in Lake Michigan. Wow, amazing. And that was the only one that was there? Or did you try to scoop out any more? I tried to scoop out some more, but I was cruelly ripped away from the lake by my parents. No, why? They didn't believe in treasure. Oh.

Did you not show them this doubloon? They thought it was a hollow pursuit. Of course I did. My father cast it back into the lake, into the tall part. No! No, the tall part? I was never going to get it. It's probably still there. Probably. There's no way to get in the tall part. Out of respect, I've never gone back and looked. That's good.

It might still be there. No, I'm sure it is. Oh my goodness. Why did your father... I would have heard about it and another treasure hunter absconded with it. Do you guys keep up with each other, all you treasure hunters? And how many are there out there? We keep tabs on each other. How many treasure hunters are there? Probably 8 million. 8 million! Wow. Wow. It's a

It's a big community. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. That's a way bigger number. I would imagine, yeah, a lot smaller. Are there rankings? Like, are you... Everyone's equal. Leaderboards? Okay. In the eyes of all other treasure hunters. That's right. You are all equal. Whether you are a very successful treasure hunter or you just can't catch a break, we're all out there doing the same thing, sticking our arms in the water and trying to get treasure.

Um, Scott, no, it's so good to see you. It's great to see you. I did start my parkdom at Pinnacles National Park in California. Right, yes. And I like the applause. It reminded me of the Pinnacles, which look like the jazz hands of the earth. But then as you recall, I was transferred to the least visited park in California.

I did not recall. But thank you for reminding me. Oh, no, that's for the listeners. As you recall, I was transferred to the gates of the Arctic where no, very few visitors. Very few visitors. That's one of the least attended parks. The least attended park. It's the very bottom of the list. That's right. Wow, okay. But good news, Scott. I got another hot

Oh, congratulations. Yeah, it's great. Just in time for summer. Where are you now? Your girl Marjorie, she's down at Dry Tortugas. Dry Tortugas. I guess I don't know that one. Dry Tortugas. I might be off board already. Yes.

Oh, well. He likes things sopping wet. Oh, I see. Especially treasure. Well, we are surrounded by water. We're part of an archipelago, which as you know, as you will recall, is a collection of islands. Oh, of course. Yeah. That was for the listeners, Scott, as they recall. Can I ask, in these archipelagos, have you ever seen the glint or the gleam or the glistening of gold? Well, you know, this area, it was originally discovered, well, that's a loaded word, found by someone from the West. Yes. Ponce de Leon. And there's so much gold.

Boy-oy-oy-oy-oy! Yeah, that's right. I didn't want to get ahead of myself, but, you know, legends of shipwrecks and the like, so all those kinds... Big name in the treasure game. Big name in the treasure game. I have learned all this because there's not...

Though I have a slight uptick, still not a ton of visitors to Dry Tortugas. Really? Well, it's hard to get to. Where exactly is it? I'm trying to imagine. It's not in Key West, but you kind of have to be on, there's like one ferry, or you can take your own boat or a seaplane. So we only get about 50,000. Those are the only ways to access. That's right. But we're a big hotspot for diving, snorkeling, or people who want to visit unfinished places.

that were used as prisons during the Civil War. Oh my God. Well, I can only, yeah, I can only imagine unfinished prisons. There's probably a lot of treasure on these. It would be less depressing, I guess, to visit an unfinished prison. Yeah. Yeah, well, it did hold prisoners, but the fortress isn't finished.

Oh, I see. Okay. We were like, oh no, the Civil War's happening. This is good enough. So not only were they in prisons, but they had to reside in a place that was unfinished that they were constantly looking around. Can you imagine? Brother fighting brother. Too soon. Does the name mean dry turtle? The Tortugas does mean turtle, yeah. So I guess it's, well, you know, we the fort, our part is dry.

Oh, I thought it was like three, like eins, zwei, drei. Oh. That's what I was thinking. Oh, that would be. The three turtles. That would be. If we had it, what is that? That's German? The three turtles. Oh, my gosh. So if half of our name was German and the other half was Spanish. Yeah. Wow.

Wow. It sounds like a clue. It might be a clue. Does that feel like a clue? It feels like a treasure clue, like mixing two languages like that. So what are your duties now at the new place? Thank you for asking, Scott. Oh, you're quite welcome. Wow. It literally is my job, but I always appreciate someone. But still, let me just say thank you. Okay. Thank you for asking. You're very polite. One of our most polite guests. Well, as you know, Scott, I'm sure you know, or your listeners recall, the Dry Tortugas, we don't sell any beverages or food.

Okay. It's very hard to camp there. Is that to keep the turtles dry? Yeah, you got to keep those turtles dry. Are people allowed to bring their own in? They are, Scott, and that is encouraged so that they don't go hungry or thirsty. And you know, you don't want to get into one of these situations where you think you can, say it with me, drink the salt water. Has that ever happened to you, Brock? You ever drink just a big...

gullet full of salt water. I mean, not on purpose. But I mean, when you're down there in the deep, I can only imagine that sometimes you'll take in... Well, I'd be dead, I think, if I was way down in the deep. You ever get the bends? Yeah, I've gotten the bends. It's kind of great. In what way? It's very euphoric. It's raptures. That's why they call it raptures of the deep.

Oh, you know, and is that right? Is that the clue that you're about to die? Yeah. Because I experienced this when I was at the gates of the Arctic when I almost froze to death when I was just doing my rounds. Oh, right. And one of the last things that happens is you strip off your clothes and run naked euphorically. I was doing that.

And I thankfully was rescued by the only other employee. But embarrassing to explain my lower back tattoo. Oh, what is down there if I may be so bold as to ask? Oh, it just says proud Methodist, but as you know, I don't like to talk about it. Oh, of course. I believe in a separation of church and tribal. I am a federal employee, so please don't ask me about my faith. I do believe in a separation of church and state, but my lower back tattoo says proud Methodist.

Right. So if someone, while you were on the job, were to come up to you and ask you any sort of religious question. I would say, thank you so much for your interest, but I cannot answer any of these questions for I'm currently on the clock as a federal employee. And though I do have a deep seated faith, I do believe in a separation of church and state. Would you slip them your card in order to call you off hours? Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah.

Scott, I'd like to have a card just so I feel more official. Can I ask you a question? Of course. How often are people asking you religious questions at the gates of the Arctic? Well, at the gates of the Arctic, I got it a lot. Really? Because they were looking at the vastness of our landscapes and sort of wondering about the marvels of the universe and a lot of God searching there. That makes sense. In the pinnacles, almost none because I was too busy talking about bees.

And then now at the Dry Tortuga, it's sort of a midpoint because people are seeking treasure. Some who seek treasure seek it of a mental clarity variety. I guess that's a treasure. From a higher plane as well. You might be a treasure. You don't feel that as a treasure? Yeah. Well, I like to keep things clean. Self-care treasure. You know what I mean? I mean, the Kingdom of Heaven, that must have a lot of ethereal treasure. Oh, I was told there was a lot of real treasure up there. So then why aren't you committing suicide immediately? Why rush it?

There's plenty of treasure here on Earth to find. What kind of a thing is that to say to someone? I'm just wondering. Can I ask you, because this is how I feel when I'm exploring. Why don't you commit suicide? I don't think I've ever asked a guest that. I hope you won't ask anyone else. I'm glad I was here to see that. That was rough.

This might be neither here nor there and maybe too late. And I don't want to open up these wounds. But have you watched the alternate ending to Titanic? No. Wait, so on the DVD or something there's an alternate ending? On the DVD there are cut scenes. What happens? I watched it on VHS. Three tapes. That's right. It's a long one. It's a long one. Bill Paxton actually finds her before she drops it in and says,

stop, stop, stop. And then holds it in his hand and says, you're right. I never got it until now. And then he throws it in or he gives it back. And he's like, yeah, I didn't let the stories get. Did that actually happen? No, it didn't happen. What are you talking about? Did you get permission? So why would he film it?

I guess it's just some of that Hollywood bullshit. I just think, you know, it might be worth seeing if that feels closer, but there is a version where, and it kind of retroactively makes you understand why Bill Paxton acts in that movie like the movie is about his arc. Okay. Because he has resolution. There is a resolution.

of him understanding that maybe treasure, maybe his... Sometimes treasure should not be taken. Right, his singular pursuit of the treasure made him forget that a lot of souls were lost at sea. You don't feel that way. Well, honestly, my biggest gripe with the film is they shifted the focus off of treasure hunting. Yeah, I agree. I did that whole extended flashback. I don't care that people fucked in a car. I agree.

Oh, come on. You don't do that in the shower. Try to make that steam hand. Be all cute by yourself. See if you can make it look exactly like the steam hand. Everyone's done that. Of course. Yes. Of course. Only when you're by yourself. The only thing interesting about them fucking in that car was that it was on a boat. Yeah. A car on a boat. What do you think about that? I admit that's pretty rare. Yeah. Hat in a hat.

Right? Yeah. Hat in a hat, the children's story. Wow. You know, Marjorie, come to think of it, if you ever wanted to transfer and find a new job, you could maybe work for Brock over here in his underground treasure hall. You could be pointing out the different treasures. You could warn people away from diving into the doubloon pool. That could be very exciting. Direct people to the giant penny? That would be... Where'd you find the giant penny? Like Batman. You didn't even talk about that.

No one asked me about it. Did you find it in a different underground cave? Yeah, I did. Was there a Robin costume in a glass case down there? Like a bird? No, no, like a red and green and yellow costume. I don't know what you're talking about. This had a giant penny, playing cards. What about a dinosaur? There was a dinosaur there. I assume that was a dinosaur that just got trapped there. This is a different guy's cave. Yeah.

Wow. It would be hard for me to leave the park system, Scott. I do love it very much. Well, you would be able to talk about religion, I would imagine. Oh, man. We love talking about religion on the boat. Well, that could be good. But I could also just try to get stationed at like Big Bend National Park. Big Bend. Not Big Bend. No, no. Totally different. That's not national. That's international. No, no. That's international. And that's a big old clock is what that is.

Big clock. That's a big clock. You're not interested in that? No, no, I'm more interested in the natural wonders of the world. So that's again why this treasure might not be such a perfect fit. Although Mount Rushmore is a man-made wonder. But not a national park's got a national monument. And I guess carved out of a... She shut you down again! Hey, Brock! In your face! Oh, man. It's just my job to gently know about parks. Which ones they are. Some facts about them. Gently.

Brock, how much would you pay for salary-wise for someone to do that for you? It could be a nice kind of weekend gig for me. I could, you know, do it on Saturdays and Sundays if I could get transferred to Big Bend. Yeah.

I'd be willing to match your salary from the national parks. Whoa. Wow. Just for the weekends? Yeah. And benefits? So you'd make double the money? No, wait. I mean, for like, we'd prorate it. Oh, like on an hourly? Oh, like on an hourly. I'm not going to give you like just what you make for your full-time job. Well, that's what it sounded like. Well, that's what it sounded like. Fuck you, Brock. Fuck you, Scott. Guys, guys, guys.

You know, every once in a while a guest will come on here who's just an irritating jerk. Are you out of your mind? Listen to the shit that you said to me. How dare you? You can't handle the truth. Thank you. I don't know who you were talking to, me or him. Yeah, who are you talking to? No one can. You lobbed that in the air. No one can handle the truth. You guys were just yelling, so I just said something. So you wanted to yell as well. It felt right to me. It felt right. Number one, five. All right, here's my filmography.

1998 Jack Frost I played audience member 1999 Magnolia I played Chad from seduce and destroy voice 2000 I played Sal in sham 2002 Safari guy in TV in the movie run Ronnie run some of these are just shorts so not anchorman legend Ron Burgundy 2004 cat fashion show MC then they did an alternate version

of Anchorman called Wake Up Ron Burgundy, The Lost Movie, and they used an alternate take of my same performance. Then we go on to, I'm excluding shorts, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, 2006, played the open mic host. Then there will be Blood, 2007, where I, of course, played the role of Prescott.

Then, I guess, I was in The Informant in 2009. I played FBI Special Agent Anthony DeAngelo, a person who actually existed. I had another voice role in the 2010 movie, Drones. I played Jaffe. And let's see, Disney, Tangled, 2010. I played Short Thug. That's right. And then there's some things that I didn't realize that I was in, like...

They made a, oh, Jason Nash is Married, 2014, Dr. Glenn. That was a web series that got edited into a movie. Does it count? I don't know. Then Kill Me Deadly from 2015. I played Jaime and my status is listed as rumored. Well, I can confirm that rumor. I was in it. Then the Thrilling Adventure Hour concert film from 2015. I played the role of Frank Doyle. Then I was in a movie called Hell and Back.

I played an annoyed lost soul. It was a voice role. I came out in 2015. Hey. Yeah. What's up? Have you come back from the clip without me? Yeah, I was just reading my filmography. These are the movies that I've been in. Oh, okay. How long have you been doing that? Since you've been gone. Since you've been gone. Okay. Did we miss any when you just- We missed a few. We missed a few. What did we miss? I'm excluding shorts. I'm just feature length. Do you think Kevin Smith makes jort films?

You liked that one. It really caught me by surprise. But also, I'm remembering his jorts that were just above his ankle. Yeah.

Anyway, 2019, I played Burnt Mia Payday in Between Two Ferns. That was Burnt Millipede. It's spelled Millipede, but it's pronounced Mia Payday. It's pronounced Mia Payday? I did not know that. That's also the name of my character on the Neighborhood Listen podcast. And that's all my movies. So which are the, I was out of the room, certainly not doing anything weird. Well, certainly not.

But what were the ones that we missed? Can you read? There's a few. The Anchorman, of course. Oh, yes. The Informant. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. You missed some big ones. You missed like your biggest one. I missed some biggies. All right. Well, look, that was a great clip and series of clips. What was it not? Woo-hoo!

It was a great clip and series of clips. Very funny stuff. All right. We need to go to a break. When we come back, we are going to have your number 14 on the countdown. This is exciting. We are one episode in. I think we've been going an hour. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. P for the C, baby.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back with the best of 2019, part one of four. This is the first episode of four that we will be doing. And we just heard the number 15 on the countdown. It's hard to beat that one. It is hard, but I believe we'll beat it approximately 14 more times. Ugh.

This is a good concept for a movie, by the way. A guy who has only allowed a certain number of masturbations. A certain number of masturbations. That's got to be the title, by the way. A certain number of masturbations. Eddie Murphy. And Eddie Murphy? By the coward Robert Ford.

All right, let's get to it. This is your episode 14. Number one, four. All right, episode number 14 is actually episode 614. Well, then why did you say it was episode 14? That's a, you were 600 off. We should at some point do a, and maybe when the show ends,

in a couple months. We'll... We'll... We'll do a best of where people vote on all-time episodes. That would be fun. Jesus. And we'll rank every single one of the episodes. And so there will be, like, literally a number 614. Oh, my God.

I don't want to be on the very dead last one, which I know I will be. This is episode 614 from August 12th. Summer. And this is an episode entitled Bean Dip and Randy Snutt's Return. Oh, boy. That's what I said. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Now, this was an episode to promote the HBO. Look, I was going to say television series, but it's not TV. It's HBO. That was a close one. I would be excommunicated from show business had I said that. Defrocked.

But this was to promote the HBO series The Righteous Gemstones, which came out this year and was very, very funny and perhaps even more than funny. Touching and dramatic and cool, I would say, as well. And just funny. Okay, yeah, it was just funny.

Um, but, uh, three of the stars came on this show and, uh, we have, of course, Adam Devine, who, whom people know from, uh, sitting right in front of his name, workaholics and pitch perfect, as well as the righteous gemstones. He signed his name, add dumb divine, a D U M B divine, right? Okay. It's a joke. So did Adam Scott. He changed his name to add dumb scoot. Who do you think did it first?

It's hard to tell. It's really hard to tell because none of them put, by the way, this is a parody of the other person's. What if Weird Al- I thought you meant a date, but what if- What if Weird Al did that? This is a parody of the other person's. Weird Al did that in his songs. By the way, this is a parody of, it was in the title. Then he wouldn't have to pay the rights. Yeah. Yeah.

Fair use. We heard a story about somebody who produced, a well-known person who produced a comedy show. Beyonce? Comedy special. No. And included in the comedy show were a number of song parodies for which they did not get the rights to the songs. Right. And then somebody pointed out to them after it was all shot, hey, you didn't get, did you get the rights to these songs? And they said, no.

And they said, well, you need to get the rights. It's like, but they're parodies. Yes, but you still need to get the rights. Well, Weird Al doesn't get the rights. And then somebody had to say, yes, he does. So none of those songs ended up in the comedy special. Weird. What a weird story. Yeah.

And how would we know whom that is about? There's no way to tell because I could just watch comedy specials that don't have parody songs in them. Could be any of them. It's probably John Mulaney. Although his new one, by the way, coming out very soon and maybe perhaps even out right now, not at press time certainly, but probably does have parody songs. So who knows? Probably does. Yeah.

I would say it probably does. Why would you say it probably does? I think it has music in it. Oh, really? Maybe not parody songs. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know quite what the format is, but it's like a... Anyway, we're getting wildly off topic. Also, Tim Baltz and Edie Patterson from The Righteous Gemstones, who play boyfriend and girlfriend in that show, so funny in the show. They also were there. So this is... Now, Edie and Tim...

Have been on the show quite a bit. Edie has always played a character called Bean Dip. Always. Every single time she's been on the show, she plays Bean Dip. And Tim plays a lot of different characters. Tim is someone that we got to know on the television show. That is a television show, not an HBO show. That's right. But Jillian Dollar Properties, which Paul F. Tompkins here headed up the cast. And Tim was also in the cast. He was number one on the call sheet. Tim was number three.

Tim was number three, was he? Really? Who was two again? Tawny Newsome. Tawny. She's my, if anything should happen to me, she would become number one on the call sheet. And we pray something does not happen to you. Oh, I pray every day. But if it does, we should look to Tawny first. Every day I wake up, before I go get my phone from the bank, I pray, please don't let anything happen to me. I like life. Life likes me.

So on this episode, first of the three of them talked about the Righteous Gemstones for a while. And then Edie came on as this character, Bean Dip, who is an insane person. And then we will hear her in the clip. And then the second clip we will hear when Tim comes on. He is playing Randy Snuts, who is a recurring character that he has done on the show. I think based on a person he knew from childhood. Oof.

And has a very unique way of talking and a unique vocabulary. Scandalous. Scandalous behavior. So we will be hearing two different clips from this episode. This is your episode 14. Number 14.

We have a guest on the show that has been on a few times before, and she hasn't been on in a minute. I don't know where she's been. It's been a minute. But she is, as far as I can recall, she was the owner of the W Hotel. That's right, I own the W Hotel. She's an entrepreneur. She has several side hustles going on. Please welcome back to the show, Bean Dip. Hey, everybody, everybody. Hey, Bean. Dip. Do I call you Bean or Bean Dip? You can call me Bean Dip or Bean. Bean.

Mrs. Dip or Miss Dip? Call me Mrs. Dip or Miss Dip or Bean or Bean Dip. Doesn't sound like you're particular. Yeah, any of those names. Hey, just don't call me ma'am. Don't call you ma'am. Please don't. Why would, does that have some connotations for you? Look, I'm trying to make friends with people. I'm not trying to be formal. I'm trying to be friends on a peer level. I'm not trying to be like, oh, hey, sir. Hey, ma'am. Go eat the dick.

Okay. Right? Okay, yeah. I get that. By the way, this is Adam, Bean Dip. Hey, I know. Hi, Bean. We know each other. You guys know each other. I've stayed at a lot of W's, so we've ran into each other in the lobbies and the hallways. Now, you just owned the Los Angeles one, though. I own a Los Angeles W. Yeah, and I stay there. I don't... I...

don't like to sometimes I'm like I don't want to stay in my house I have a little staycation I get it and then I go down to the W and can we talk about how hard it is to find a light switch in a W we can talk about it but we're not gonna do nothing about it because I need those lights dim when we let's get real out of device trying to act like oh everything's cool I go to the W sometimes when he comes there we keep the lights low and we kiss

You guys have kissed before? We've only kissed the one time. It's not a big deal. It's not a regular thing that we do that. It was just one time? Just the one. One time? If it's two, that's a regular thing. Well, the thing about Bean is the sexuality that she possesses is... Off the charts. It's off the charts. To the roof. Yeah. To the moon and back. It's to the moon and back. And was this part of Bean... I remember one of your kind of side gigs that you had was you were...

You were kissing people for money? That's right. For money. Yeah. Yes, I paid her thousands of dollars. Yeah, he paid me thousands of dollars. We had an appointment. I gave him a kiss. He paid me thousands of dollars. Am I having to block his number on my phone? Maybe. I just want it. I can understand that. I mean, Bean, we've never described your physical appearance, but it's more than that, isn't it? Well, let's get into it. Yeah, let's get into it. I'm very sunburned on my face.

To a degree that is just like, I mean, I mean, so it's so pink. It's like it's like what I like my steaks to look like. It's like my cheeks. I would say my cheeks and nose are very hot pink 80s. Shout out to the 80s.

I've never seen a woman look hotter. Yeah, but literally physically hotter. Like burnt, yes. But the rest of your body is pale as a sheet. The rest of my body is, if you look up paint colors, if you go to one of those places where they got paint home depots,

Places at Lowe's. Sure, we know the types of places. Uh-huh. Just say, I want whiter than eggshell, please. Whiter than eggshell. That would be white. And if they show you that, just know that's the color of my whole body, even the part covered by my clothes. Wink, wink. I wish. I wish I could see that. And the part of your body that's covered by clothes, it's pretty minimal at this point. Usually, nine times out of ten, just my butthole.

Just like a candy floss kind of strip back there. Well, I like a candy floss strip with just a piece of construction paper cut into a circle. Right. And that covers the... The actual hole. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, that's you. Today, you're wearing a little bit more because we're... Well, because I had to come up with the earmuff. You were telling me, though, that you have kind of a new business venture that you're looking into. Yeah. What exactly... It's like, you know how it's on... Here's a scenario. Okay. I'm walking along. I'm on a hot dog. I'm sorry. I didn't quite understand what you just said. I'm walking along. I want a hot dog. You want a...

You want a hot dog. All right. But the thought that goes through my head is, that's not healthy for me. I can't have that. That's not good for my constitution. There's a lot of nitrates. Nitrates. Pig parts that I'm not familiar with. Meats that I don't want. So I think, what could I have that's better than a hot dog? I have introduced to you cucumbers and buns.

Yum. Cucumbers and buns. Uh-huh. I'll have a truck here in downtown Los Angeles. Cucumbers and buns. The truck will be called CIB. CIB. Okay. Sib. Kib? Yeah, maybe Sib. I don't know. It's called Comedy Bang Bang.

I don't want to cause any confusion in the marketplace here. We already had the truck printed. Well, I do admit that my trademark does not extend to food trucks. That's what I already figured out to go to the city council. The titty council? Is that what you said? Hey, you want titty council? Lift up my shirt. City council? That's why I get my names for my trucks.

Of course, the old expression that we've all said. Do you cook the cucumbers or are you charring them at least? Great question. We steam them and then we boil them. Okay.

Then you boil them? Boil them. Uh-huh. Okay. And then you can get mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, anything you like. So they're soft. So everything that people like about cucumbers, the snap, the... We don't play that game. No, it's just kind of mushy. Uh-huh. No snap, no nothing. These are safe for everyone, including babies. Really? Babies can eat these because they're all just mushy? Babies can eat these.

Love these. Puppies is our biggest market. We have children coming there without the parents. We have to call the police all the time.

So just children, it's almost like the Pied Piper, your truck, in a way. They're just like wandering outside because they hear. Do you have like, does it play music, the truck? Yes, it plays. Only Pearl Jam 10. Oh, wow. Pearl Jam 10? That's it. Front to back? Front to back, over and over. And then repeats? It's not on random? It's not on shuffle? Pearl Jam 10, repeat. Pearl Jam 10, repeat. Pearl Jam 10, repeat. In order, thank you. It's a concept album. I didn't realize that. Oh, please.

What is the concept? I guess I've only heard it a few times front to back. The concept is, Jeremy, it's having a hard time. Well, that's one song, certainly. That's the whole reason, man. I didn't realize that extended to Alive. He's spoken. I don't know if he spoke on the other nine. He did. You know what Evenflow's about? That's about a child with OCD who wants to get that peanut butter on every corner. Get that Evenflow.

That song's about peanut butter? That song's about Jeremy and his OCD. Okay, okay. I didn't realize. I mean, you've heard it way more times than I have, obviously. Yeah, so don't check yourself. Don't stress yourself. Okay, we'll do neither of those things. So when children hear Pearl Jam's 10, they know that the CIB truck is coming through. Uh-oh, the CIB truck coming to Bang Bay. It's real close. We better go get our cucumber hot dogs. Wow, and how have sales been?

Through the roof. What does that mean exactly to you? One month, 14 million. Wow. He has been on the show before. He, uh... I guess it...

I don't know whether it's fair to say that he's an entrepreneur as well as much as he's a working guy. I mean, like 85% of the guests that you have on the show are entrepreneurs, according to you. It seems like everyone comes on and they have something that they want to talk about, some new business. That's cool. But you have just worked at Jobs. Is that right? Yeah, that's true. Please welcome Randy Snuts. Thank you. I mean, cool. I should listen to the show.

You should. Yeah, there's a lot of cool stuff happening. Yeah, we have over 600 episodes. Listen to the 10-hour one first. The 10-hour one first? Yeah, you'll enjoy that one. Just to get acclimated? Yeah, yeah. Cool. Yeah, you'll have one reaction or another to that one. Which one do you think I'll have? I would gather that you'd be all in after listening to it. Yeah, me too. Dang, this is a trial by fire, and I'm not guilty. Welcome back, Randy. It's so great to see you. Do you know Bean Dip Says She Knows You?

Hey, hello again. Yeah, we have carnal knowledge of each other. Really? I hooked up with her when I... My grandma gave me $1,000 after she died. Well, she didn't... She, like, willed it to me. And then Carissa and I run... There was no confusion on my part. I didn't think she passed away and then somehow gave you the $1,000. Yeah, she kept it in her hand. And then there was a note that said, like, Randy is the only person who can grab this out of my cold, dead hands. What a cool grandma. Yeah, she's titsed out. Wow.

That was like, that's the Charlton Heston thing. Grabbing something out of cold dead hands. So, yeah. Huh? Well, he didn't want anyone to, he said the only way people would take his guns is out of his cold dead hands. Oh, this was $1,000 and I did not spend it on guns. I spent it on a night with bean dip. One night? Uh-huh. A full on night. But now, Adam, you paid thousands and thousands of dollars just for one kiss. I paid thousands and thousands, yeah. So, have your rates gone up or...

My rates vary, okay, ma'am? What does it vary upon? Why was I more expensive? You came to my service, which it says, this much for a kiss. I met Randy in real life. So you met Randy off the clock. Uh-huh. But you still charged him. I met Randy at CVS, and he decided to pay for a night of fun, including water park. Oh, okay. We bonded over how long my receipt was. How long was it? Dude, that's what I said.

That's what you said. Yeah, that's what I said. That's what you said. You said that? Yeah, I was like... Wait, wait, wait. That's what you said? That's what I said, dude. Wait, you said that? Yeah, I said that. Who said this? I said it. That's what you said? That's what I said. How long was it? That's what I said. That's what you said? Yeah, Bean Dip was there. The receipt came out. How long was it? Why would you say that? You said it? I said it. Who said this? I said that. That's what you said. I said that. That's what you said. Yeah, that's what I said. That's what I said. That's what you said? That's what I said. This is what you said?

What? No, that's what I said. That's what you said. Yeah, Bean Dip was there. You were there? That's what he said? That's what he said. But not CBS. This is at CBS. CBS! Oh! You said that at...

I see where the confusion is. Adam and I thought that you were saying CBS, and so that's why we were like, why would you say that? All right, yeah, because you guys are... That's not the Peacock Network. It's the Tiffany Network, I believe. No, you're both wrong. Tiffany, another... Is she a DJ? Tiffany's... Was Tiffany a DJ or was she just a pop star? A DJ, a pop star. She was a pop star. She was a pop star. You know Prince wrote Manic Monday for the Bengals? I do know that, yes. And then Tiffany covered it and took all the glory.

Just like Carissa, my current girlfriend has always taken the glory out of my life. Wait a minute. You're back with Carissa? I thought you were broken up with Carissa. Scott, it's not on again, off again. It's off again, on again. Okay. So you're with Carissa currently. Yeah, of course. Describe, for those of you who don't recall your previous appearances, describe your relationship to Carissa. Fraught with calamitous scandal.

She's always adding needless drama to my life. She, as in the way you would describe it a lot of times, she had a lot of scandalous behavior. Yeah, she did. She's duplicitous.

What would she do exactly? She'd always be like, Randy, meet me out at the Burger King. I'm going to buy you dinner. I'm like, oh, man, lucky me. So I show up at the Burger King, and it'd be a location that's been closed for weeks. Really? She would do this to you? Yeah, and then she'd be like, ha-ha. She'd take you to the recently closed Burger Kings? Oh, she wouldn't even be there. She'd be punking me because that was her favorite show. I'll try to tell Randy that's a classic move. But...

Can we all admit Punk was a pretty good show? It's going to be back from what I understand. Give me a reboot. Yeah. So very excited for that. Is she excited? Is Carissa excited about this? Yeah. She's the only thing that she's talking about. I'm dreading it because it's going to give her new ideas for scandalous behavior. It's going to reignite this.

Love for punking you. Yeah, it is. Yeah. How does she find these Burger Kings that have just recently closed? I don't know. Yeah, I guess I didn't realize Burger Kings are closing at that. It's such a rapid, accelerated pace. Yeah, it's like Sears. But 1% figured out that they could just chop it up, sell it off, and make a bunch of cash off these dead Burger Kings. That makes sense. So they're just closing all over the place. She's constantly sending you to these? Yeah. Sorry to talk about the economy in this economy. Oh, in this economy? Yeah, this economy. Wow. Yeah.

That's what I said. So that's, wait, that's what you said? That's what I said. That's what you said. What did you say? I just said, yeah, that's what I said. What did you say? A second ago. Like a couple of seconds ago at this point. Oh, wait, that's what you said. Yeah, that's what I said. But like what? That crack about the economy. Oh.

Got it, got it, got it. That's what you said. So what's been going on with your, I guess, your life, Randy? I mean, you've had many jobs. You were fired for stealing at a convenience store that you worked at because you kept saying the word yoink as you stole things. Yeah, well, I said it too loud once. I'm back in the workforce. It only takes once, by the way.

Yeah, no kidding. That's what I said. So you would steal and then as you were stealing something, you'd say yoink? Yeah. And then like I was getting away with it. I didn't realize because I was saying it quietly. I thought at first I was like, man, me saying yoink is like exonerating me. Like people are like, dang, that's ballsy. So they weren't like busting me. But it turns out. You had just been saying it very quietly. And they weren't seeing me steal the stuff. Right. And the one time you said it loud, they said. They turned and looked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you were fired from the position. Yeah.

I was walking out with some beer for my boys. Who are your boys again? Just like a crew of good dudes. Right. Yeah, but by name. How many are in this crew, by the way? Two guys named Kevin and a guy named Michael. Okay. Two Kevins.

Yeah. That is good crew. That's a good crew. Four people. What happened to Jeff? No, Jeff's out of the crew. What happened? He sent scandalous text messages to Carissa. No. Yeah, he leaked his own nudes to her. No. I mean, that's one way to go. That's a good idea. Get ahead of it. Yeah. Really? And how did, was she receptive to these? Yeah, of course. She was like, yo, Randy, get over here. Look at this. Wait a second.

I guess when I meant receptive, meaning Keevy had hidden from you and just... Uh-uh. She saved it to her photo roll, and then she started editing it, and she was drawing little circles around. She was like, look at this part of his body. It's a lot better than yours. Which parts are we talking about? I don't know. Pretty much everything. Oh, okay. She copied a picture. She just circled the whole part of his body? Yeah. Did that make you feel bad? Yeah, it made me feel terrible. Aw, you poor baby. You need to get away from her.

Dang, I wish I had $1,000 right now. Well, that's what it takes, bitch. We're nowhere near a water park at this point, too, so...

There's a lot of obstacles. I'm about to turn into a water park. I don't know what you're talking about right now. Well, that's what I said. Okay. Is that what you said? Yeah, that's what I said. So what is going on with your life non-Carissa? Do you have a job now? Yeah, I reentered the workforce. You did? Yeah, I'm working for a window washing crew. Really? Yeah. Okay. A bunch of dudes that get up really early. How early do you have to get up to wash windows? Is that because you need daylight?

Yeah, but you want to get on top of it right away. So like you got to be ready to roll by the time the sun's rising. And they're a bunch of cokeheads, but otherwise cool dudes.

That's cool. And what location is this? Location? Well, I mean, do you travel around the city doing this or are you washing one place's windows primarily? Anyone who wants us to wash their windows, that's the name of the game, Scott. Okay. Goddamn. But I guess, do you have a regular route? Mr. CEO over here is like, how do jobs work? Fucking embarrassing me. Call me on my show to fucking...

Take down a blue collar working man. I'm going to be listening to sticks on the ride home. How much is a loaf of bread these days by the way? Jesus Christ. I don't know. $4 if it's shitty.

How much is a good one? I don't know, $6? Yeah. $8? All right. Depends on the location. I got Mr. Moneybags over here probably shopping at Erstwhile or whatever that fancy-ass place is. Air One? Yeah, whatever. Erstwhile? I don't fucking know. Yeah, you don't because you're a regular working-class guy, and that's what we love about you, Randy. I saw Brett at convenience stores. What? Yeah. Yeah.

Butternut or whatever the white stuff is. Oh, they sell bread. I thought you said I saw bread at convenience stores. So you're doing the window washing thing. Is that precarious? I mean, are you afraid of heights? By the way, don't watch The Righteous Gemstones if you're afraid of heights. Because those stakes get high. Yeah. So you're a psychiatrist about three days before? Yeah.

A lot of conditions on watching this show. No, I got bad vertigo. Then I wouldn't recommend it. Yeah, definitely not. Yeah. How bad is your vertigo? Pretty bad. So why are you washing windows if you have terrible vertigo? I mean, it seems like every single day would be a nightmare for you. Dude, I'm not.

How many of these problems do I have to solve for you? I wash the ground floor windows. I'll let the rest of the team do the rest. Wait, so I'm in like a hotel that's, say, 30 stories high. Like the W. Like the W, thank you. Much like the W, yeah. You're only doing one thirtieth of the work? I mean, I wash the inside of the windows. Wait, of all of them? All the way up? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Vertigo. That doesn't give you vertigo? No, because I'm not going to fall out the window. Really. Isn't that normally like just a housekeeper's job? Or this is the service that you provide? Two Hollywood guys trying to take a shit on a blue collar man who's trying to make money? Y'all should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you? Wait, me? No, them for taking all the work of me. What'd you say?

Is that what you said? Number one, four. Now that's what I call comedy, volume one. So this is not only the Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2019, but this is the first volume of Now That's What I Call Comedy. That's correct. So we're pulling double duty here. That's correct. Funny stuff.

Agreed. Agreed. Very much agreed. Tim is so funny. VMA. That's what it stands for. VMA? Yeah, very much agreed. Very much agreed. So the MTV VMAs? The MTV VMAs. Are just everyone agreed on the best music videos? Yes. MTV stands for move to vote. Move to vote. Very much agreed. Very much agreed. Fantastic. The moon man. Now look, Tim.

Edie. So funny. Put them together. Together, you have a dynamic combo. That's what I call combo. Look, if people called us the dynamic combo, I wouldn't mind that either. So it's the incredible duo? Incredible duo or the dynamic combo? I'd take either. Do not call us the dynamic duo. Please. We don't want to start getting out there fighting Joe Chill, giving him a heart attack. No!

And Adam, by the way, the one criminal that was actually scared by Batman. He always talked about criminals being a superstitious and cowardly lot. That's the one exception that proved the rule. Adam, by the way, is a great guy. He was so funny on the comedy bang bang TV show. He's been on the podcast a couple of times, but on the TV show, he came on and did one of our favorite episodes, the Sarah Silverman episode where he played a guy who, uh,

had a what was it a friendship with a ladder i can't i can't recall yeah it was the little ladder episode which is an insane episode he was very funny in that um great episode and uh you you all voted it in at number 14 and uh now you see what happens now you see what happens we listen to a clip all right let's take a break when we come back look what do you think is next

Well, what just happened? We listened to episode number 14. I bet it's going to be episode 12. No, it's the number one episode.

Wow. So we're, and the rest will just be posted online. We're just going to end it here. I assumed we're skipping 13 because of, you know, superstition. Yeah. And, but you're saying no, we're jumping straight to number one. I'm so scared. I just want to get this over with. More, the more distance between me and 13, the better. No, we, of course we'll be hearing number 13. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. After this for 25 years, my,

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Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy. As it was foretold, we're back. We are certainly back. I was mid-sip of water and Paul decided to come back from commercial or the commercial ended. Right.

I decided to end the commercial. It just cuts off in the middle. I kind of hope so. End this shit. This is, we're getting up there in the countdown. We're still in double digits, but at a certain point, we're going to get down to single digits, not on this episode. If we keep going, if past is prologue, then yes. If we keep up the pace, we certainly will get to number one at a certain point.

If we keep up the pace, picante. Mild. Too spicy. Too spicy. I don't like spicy. Okay, let's get to it. This is your episode number 13. Number one, three. Okay, this is episode number 13 on the countdown, and this is episode 612.

Just two before the previous episode. And this is from July 29. Summer. Summer. And this is an episode called The Juice is Loose. Oh, boy. I know who's in this one. You know who's in this one. So who? Carl Tartt. Carl Tartt, of course.

Carl Tartt, who has been a great addition to this show for the past few years. Very funny guy. Went on tour with us a little bit. Yes, he did. And has done the character that he premiered on the clip we are about to hear on tour to much acclaim. And our good friend Jimmy Pardo is on this clip as well. Jimmy Pardo.

Jimmy. A rare appearance on Comedy Bang Bang. One of the pod fathers. Not as, I mean, I was going to say not as rare as I would like. That's not true. That's not true. I like having him on the show. He's on, I would say about every year, I would say. But like once a year, right? Yeah, like once a year. Yeah, he's not like you who comes back quite often. Or Jason Manzoukas. Sure, sure. He's on a lot.

But Jimmy has a very busy schedule. I do have to say that... Yeah, I don't. When I land a Jimmy Pardo, it's usually after 20 attempts. Yes. Well, he's also a dad. He's a dad. He goes out of town. He has a lot of different things he's doing. Yes, a lot of irons in the fire. Also, Lauren Ashley Smith was on this episode. Won't be on this clip because we picked a clip that comes out before her character comes out. But Lauren was the...

I believe of a black girl sketch show. Is that what it's called? Yes. A black, a black lady sketch, a black ladies. It's good. I'm sorry to call her a girl. You call her show a girl.

The doctor is a woman, though. We have established that. That is very true. She's very funny. We won't be hearing her on this clip, though, because I think people voted on this episode due to this chunk of the show that we'll be hearing. And Carl is essentially playing, well, even more than essentially, in fact, is playing O.J. Simpson. What if when you voted, you got to say why you were voting? Ha ha ha ha.

You give a reason in the comments. I'm voting for Pete Buttigieg because I think he's the best candidate. So you're saying voting for anything. Yeah, anything. Very much agreed. If you vote for the very much agreed. I'm voting for the right now video because I liked when they turned it into a Pepsi commercial. Yeah. More things should be Pepsi commercials. How many things are? MacGruber. The right now video by Van Halen. Police brutality. Police brutality with Kendall Jenner. That's right.

And Michael Jackson. The end. The end. The four Pepsi commercials. The four Pepsi commercials. That's the back of the four Billys. We don't want to kill the lily. We're missing out on selling two different shirts. That's a good point. Okay. So Carl, I don't mean to speak for him, but he's not here. But this is what I remember of the process. Yeah.

As many of you know, OJ Simpson joined Twitter this year. Was that just this year? It was just this year. God damn. Just right before this episode, I believe, which was the summer of maybe a month or two before. And he has a very unique Twitter style, which Carl noticed and started doing an impression of with his friends and around the house and said, hey, I want to do it on the show. And the one request he made, usually when we do the show, if you don't know, we're

All I ask of the guests is, hey, what is the name of your character and how would I introduce you? Yes. Because I don't want to introduce people and spoil their joke. Like they'll usually tell me, oh, I am a – then tell me what their job is. And I'll say, do you want me to say that or do you want to be the one that reveals it? Because I don't necessarily want to spoil it for the listener if they want to be the ones disclosing the information. Yes. So –

usually that's all we talk about. But in this instance, Carl only had one request, which is please don't know that I am a murderer. I hope that's how he phrased it. That's an amazing request. Please, please don't know that I'm a murderer. Either don't know or don't ever bring it up. I can't recall which it was, but, but so that leads to this very funny clip where he,

OJ Simpson comes on the show and, uh, look, I don't want to set it up any more than that. Let's just listen to it. This is your episode 13. Number one, three. Please welcome to the show. OJ Simpson. Hey, thank, I want to say thank you, Scott. I want to appreciate you for bringing me onto your platform. You know, I gotta be honest with you. I had a lot of time on my hands and, and I, I started to love the show. I loved it. Uh,

I listened to so many of the episodes, and I really got a sense of... We've done 600 or so. How many have you heard? Oh, hundreds of them. Hundreds? Absolutely. I have, you know, some of my favorite people have been here. I love the way you talk to them, your interactions with them. I love everything you do with them, Scott. Thank you so much. I really do. So congratulations to you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I mean, I'm mutually a big fan of yours. I admit that...

I admit that around the early 90s, I sort of dropped out and didn't really keep up with your career. But certainly up to Naked Gun 2 1⁄2. Absolutely. Maybe even the third one, I was still paying attention. 33rd and 3rd. I'm not sure, 33rd and 3rd? That's right, Scott. And then I'm not quite sure what happened to you, but it's great to see you resurfacing. Well, you know what?

I went through some things. Everybody has trials and tribulations in their lives. Oh, I bet they do. But hey, I'm back now. I'm happy to be here. Thank you for giving me a platform. You're a major Twitter presence now, from what I understand. Yeah, I got on the Twitter. My daughter was telling me that I had to get on Twitter. You have a daughter? Yes, I do. I have a daughter and a son. Are you married? I can't recall.

No, I'm not currently married, Scott. Not currently. Okay, but you were at one time? I was at one time. I've had two wives in my life. Oh, great. Scott, I don't want to take up too much of your time here. Oh, thank you, but you're on for a good, nice segment here, so I'd love to have you on as long as you'd like to be. I'd love to be here. I'm just really thankful for it, Scott. I tell you, those times that I used to watch your games just making those runs into the end zone. You know, Scott, I averaged. You're so close.

What about football? None. There's an end zone in football. There's an end zone. There's an end zone. Scott, you got that right. See, Scott, one thing you got to know about me, I was a running back for the Buffalo Bills and then later in my career for the San Francisco 49ers, which I got to play for my home team. Oh, that's a dream. And that was a real joy for me. You know? I met my second wife when I was playing for the San Francisco 49ers. Really? What did she do? Well, Scott, you know...

I don't want to get too far deep into that. Oh, okay. Well, you're not together anymore. No, we're not together anymore. I'm sorry if I brought up something painful.

But I tell you, I averaged 11,000 yards. Now, let me tell you something about ego, Scott. Okay. You know, the other day I was going around talking about running. That's like two-thirds of the way to an EGOT. Yeah, yeah. Three-quarters of the way. I never made it there. I never made it. Which ones do you have? I thought I deserved. I don't have any of them. I thought I deserved it. If you were an EGOT with a Heisman, you would have one of those. Yes, if there was an EGOT, I would have a Heisman.

I thought I deserved an Oscar for playing Nordberg. Nordberg! In the Naked Gun film, but you know, it didn't work out that way. He's so incredibly lovable and clumsy. I love the part of, I believe it's Naked Gun, where he's wearing that ski mask and

And he's sitting there about to break onto the boat where all the criminals are. And he's disguising himself with a ski mask. Yeah. That was one of my favorite scenes. You like that scene? I felt close to home. Now, Scott, when it comes to- You filmed that close to home? Yeah, we did, actually. We filmed that scene in Marina Del Rey. Oh, wonderful area. Which is close to my house over in Brentwood. In Brentwood? Oh, is that where you were? It was where I was living at the time. I no longer have that house.

It was a beautiful estate. It's a gorgeous area. Yeah, great. You know, lived down the street from Michael Jackson. I tell you that much. Oh, great guy, too. I stopped paying attention to him, too. Listen, I don't get too far into people's personal things, but I will say this. The man was always nice to me. And there was one time where I had my niece was over to my house, and she loved Michael Jackson. It was the 80s.

All the kids did. Oh, of course. And so she came over and I called down. I said, hey, Mike, why don't you come down and say hello to my niece? And he came right down and he saw my niece and he said, let me know when you have your nephew come over. He said that? Yeah. Interesting. But that was the kind of jokes that we had. What an interesting story. You know, that was the kind of jokes that we had back in those days. I don't understand the joke. It was the 80s. It was 19. He signed an autograph for it, you know. Oh, okay. He just said, you know, he loves the children. I'm not sure I understand it. He's a children guy, you know. Yeah.

I don't know, but... He was always nice to me, you know? People go through trials and tribulations, Scott. That's the thing, is like a lot of people, and I don't pay attention to pop culture that much, but a lot of people don't realize what celebrities are going through when they're in the news. They don't realize it, Scott. The media paints you in a certain way. I'm sure you've had some things said about you that you don't love, Scott. There's trolls everywhere. There's trolls everywhere, Scott. That's right. Okay, you take care. Now, Jimmy... Wait, is that it for me?

Jimmy, I wanted to ask you something. Should I leave? Yeah, you can go. You've been doing your podcast since 2006, huh? Yeah. That's been a long time. Now, do you ever get worried that some things you said in the earlier days of your podcast are bad?

Yeah, but you've just got to kind of leave them out there. Well, they're out there. They're already out there. What am I going to do? Go back and edit all those? No. Exactly. I agree with you 100%. Certain things in your past are just out there. We all have things that we're not proud of. Oh, Scott's back. Hey, Scott. Sorry, sorry. I don't mean to interrupt a private conversation between the two of you. No, no. I just relate to Jimmy a lot. I see Jimmy in me in a way. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I've always kind of felt like, Jimmy, you're the OJ of podcasting. A trophy winner? Yeah.

Sure. Then thank you.

So what have you been up to lately? Well, you know, I was recently released from prison. What? I think people know that, yes. I went to prison. For what? For something really silly. These guys, they stole my memorabilia, stuff that felt really near and dear to me. Someone stole something from you? Yeah. Why didn't you go to prison then? I went to prison because I went to go get it back. It was a lapse in judgment. I made a mistake. One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. So you just got your stuff back?

I went and I got my stuff back, but it was some sort of setup and the police were there. I was drinking at the time. It was Las Vegas. You know what they say. What happens in Vegas. And Vegas stays in Vegas. But I'll tell you one thing. They extradited me. They brought you out. Yeah. And you know what? That was probably the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. How long were you in for? I was in prison since 2008.

Seven, I want to say. Oh my God, that's a long time for something so inconsequential. It's almost as if...

Like a lot of times you hear about a situation like that and they're like, oh, well, it's justice for something else that happened. Yeah. But, you know, that's not how the system works. So they sent me up the river for trying to take back my own things. But I'm out now. I got a new lease on life. I'm on Twitter. Do you have a new lease on a new place because you're not there in Brentwood anymore? Yeah. I got a new condo. I got a new condo. I heard you guys talking about –

The comedy condo. And I'll tell you one thing. The condo that I'm living in right now has a lot of jokes all the time with me and my friends playing fantasy football. That's right. Who are your friends these days? All right, Scott, you take care. Wait, hold on.

It's you since you dismissed Scott. I do have a question. Are you golfing? Are you hitting the links? You know, I'm on that golf course almost every day. You are. I'm enjoying retirement, you know. That's basically what you do every day. Retirement from prison. Yeah. It's been a long career, you know. I will say the prison thing, you know, going to prison was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my life. That and not cutting left against the Cleveland Browns in 1977. I tell you that much. Oh, boy.

When you said not cutting, I knew what you were talking about because I knew you would immediately follow it with left because of that famous Cleveland Browns game. Yeah, I cut right and I got tackled right then and there. And you know we lost. But I'll tell you one thing about those Buffalo Bills. They're a resilient fan base. You know, it's been a history of losing over there in Buffalo. But they're a resilient fan base. They got amazing love for you. And it's a great place to be. All right, Scott, you take care. Okay, well...

Jimmy, take over for me. How's the golf game? I'm going to go back to that. Are you shooting well, Juice? Are you struggling because you were in prison for so long? I'm struggling a bit. Are the muscles tight? The muscles are tight. And, you know, we're aging every day, Jimmy. Oh, we are. And we're getting older and getting colder. That's what they say, you know?

I've never heard that, but I'll tell you. And it's hard for me to get my swing exactly back, but I'm on the court every day. The weather is warm in Los Angeles right now. I'm having a great time. The grass is greener on the other side. I see. And I tell you that much, and I'm walking along that green. All right, Jimmy, you take care. Oh, wow. Am I back? You're back, Scott. Okay, great.

So who are your friends these days? Because I remember back in the old days, I remember you had a lot of really good friends. I mean, it's been amazing to see what Kim Kardashian has been up to because you were such good friends with her father. Absolutely. Robert was one of my great friends. And, you know, I want to dispel a rumor right now. Okay. Because this has been something, you know, I told everybody when I got on Twitter that I was going to be getting back and getting even.

Oh, you did? Yeah. I wondered what that meant because, you know, like I said, I had not kept up with you and I was like, who does he need to get even with? I wanted to spell it. Robert Kardashian was one of my very best friends. I met him at USC in the 1960s. He was a great guy and he married a beautiful woman named Chris and she was great and they had a

a host of beautiful children, Robert Jr. and Kim and Chloe and Courtney. And they're all great girls. And I love what they're doing now. But I want to dispel this thing. Me and Chris have never had any type of relationship. Not even friendly?

We were very friendly at one time. And, you know, some things change. But people grow apart. And Robert passed away. They grew apart. And they had a great relationship when they were together. But there's this rumor floating around that I'm the father of Khloe Kardashian. Really? And I just want to say that's not true. Let's dispel that rumor right here on Comedy Bang Bang. Okay. Yes. Oh, when you say bang bang, it sends a chill up and down my spine for some reason. Oh, why? I don't know. It's because I say it with so much vigor. I don't know.

I don't know what it is. I haven't done much radio in my life, I'll tell you that much. I was more of a TV and film guy. Yeah. But I'm happy to be here. This is great. All right, Scott, you take care. Now you have a good one. Okay, well, I don't know who's supposed to talk to you. Now, Jimmy. Yeah, yours. Have you ever had any of the Kardashians on your show? I've not had any of the Kardashians. They seem to be spending time over on E! Entertainment Network. Ah, yes. And you don't work with them too much, huh? I don't know. The E! or the Kardashians? The E's. The E's.

Well, I did some work with E!Z early on, but not so much recently, just. Now, when you're warming up an audience for a live talk show. Yeah. Now, what happens if the audience doesn't – do you do your normal material or do you do a lot of crowd work? Well, you try to do the crowd work. You try to bring them in any way you can. You try to get them invested. Am I right? You want the audience warm because –

a body that's enjoying itself and that is alive is very warm. If a body were cold, that's the last thing you want is like a couple of cold bodies. Oh, you don't want that. You said it, Scott. You said it. You hit the nail on the head, I tell you that much. You hit it right on the butt. Is that where you usually want to hit things is just right on the head? On the head. You want to hit things wherever you can hit them. The jest, a few times.

But I tell you this, guys. Those are gorgeous. You're wearing a couple of gloves right now. Those are gorgeous. Isotoners. I still, you know, after I went to prison for stealing my stuff back, I lost a lot of my endorsement deals. Oh, yeah. But Isotoner. They stayed with you? They stayed with me. Did they? Well, that's a sign of a great company. Loyal. Shout out to Isotoner.

Isotonic. And those shoes, too. These. Bruno Mali's. Bruno Mali's. I thought I recognized that. Yeah, that's right. You know, once you get comfortable in a certain brand, you got to stick with it. I will say that you're kind of like fiddling with your gloves a lot as if they don't quite, I don't know what the expression would be. Well, you know, I think... If the...

The way that they wrap around your hand. They don't fit very well. Oh, yeah. That is true. I think I got a wrong size, Scott. And you know, I've been playing a lot of golf. And like we said earlier, we're aging now. I'm getting a little bit older. I'm in my 70s. Yeah. My hands tend to swell up a little. Yeah, swelling up a bit. Yeah. So those gloves, they don't, how did you put it? They don't fit. Oh, okay. The gloves, they do not fit. Well, then you know what you have to do.

Get new gloves. Get new gloves. And I got a call over to the Isotonic guys. They don't have a website. I got a call over there. Isotonic does not have a website? No. It seems like just call up Squarespace. It's 2019. Yeah. Yeah.

Look, they have beautiful templates. And you can customize anything with just a few clicks of the mouse. Really? Yeah. On Squarespace. You should get a website. I should get a website. Scott, what do you say we go in on a website together? I would love to do a dual website. The Scott Aukerman OJ Simpson dot com. Oh, I would love to have that. So I'm going to call up Squarespace and get Scott Aukerman and OJ Simpson dot com.

And we'll just start putting out content. Boy, that sounds like a ball to me, Scott. You take care. I guess I'll call you when it's done. Jimmy. Yeah. Doing a podcast for this long. I remember when those podcasts first started, it was just a little box that popped up on my iTunes where I had a lot of my music that I like from my day. What do you like? The OJs. You only like bands that are your own names.

I'm a big OJ's fan. Did you like Orange Juice Jones as well? I liked Orange. I saw you and him walking in the rain. Let me tell you, that would have made me mad too if I saw my lady walking in the rain with some other gentleman. But, you know, that's another conversation for another day. Let's...

Promise me we'll have that conversation because I would love to hear your thoughts on that. Absolutely, we will, Scott. I just want to thank you for letting me be here, Scott. It's always great to have you. In fact, you know what? You've been out of the news for a while, but I'm going to do a little research on what you've been up to recently because I'm – Please do. I really – during the break, we have to go to a break here, but I'm going to do a little research on you.

and see what you've been up to. But when we come back, we have a vocal coach. This is really exciting. You have such a great voice, OJ. And he's back. I'm back, baby. And he's back, baby. The juice is loose. All right, Scott and Jimmy, y'all take care. Number one, three. Ah, yes. When he did it, he did it on tour this year, and it was so much fun to figure out how to dance around that

That fact. Extremely gigantic fact of O.J. Simpson's life. Probably the most important thing to happen to him. Yeah. And he's had quite a lot of interesting things happen to him. The guy's had an interesting life, including being a murderer. In the eyes of the civil courts. In the eyes of the civil courts. So I don't know whether we have to say allegedly still. And by the way, this is a satirical program, so we don't have to say it at all. Yeah. Let's do song parodies. We don't have to pay for them.

Very fun. Carl is so funny and will perhaps be making another appearance on the countdown, if not more than one. We don't know. I wouldn't be a bit surprised. We don't know. Well, look, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to keep counting it down. Yeah, we have no choice. We have no choice. We're not going to go back the other way and recount down, you know, number 14, number 15. We've already heard those. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

You might be a redneck if you do. Wouldn't Jeff Foxworthy just, it started just not making any sense anymore. If you get the genie out of the bottle, you might just be a redneck. If you put toothpaste back in the tube after you use it, you may just be a redneck. If a penny saved isn't a penny earned, you might just be a redneck. That one maybe does make sense.

Are rednecks bad with money? If you break them, do they not bleed? The immortal bard once again. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll keep counting it down to number 12. Yeah.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Paul F. Tompkins. I'm him! And we are counting down your top 15 plus one live episode, episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. And we are coming up here on our final segment. This is our final clip of this particular episode, which is part one of four. How did we get here?

We took Bronson. No. How did we get here individually? How did we, Scott, how did we get here to this part of the countdown? We did 15. No, I'm doing poetic talk. How did we get here? Oh, verily. Thus, I say to thee. Speak. Zarathustra. Do you have any bets on what number 12 is going to be?

Yeah, funny. This is, let's just, let us tarry no further. Let's get to it. This is your episode number 12. Number one, two. All right, number 12. All right. This is episode, now listen to this. Ooh. This is episode 600. Bossy. 615. 615. 615.

What a clump. Right after 614 and then 612 was the previous one. This is from August 19. 19. Yeah. Which is summer. All four of these are from the summer. What a curious clump. And that's exactly what Eddie Murphy said, I believe, after the first Nutty Professor. Right. And then he decided to base the entire sequel upon all of them.

And then that was it. And then he was like, I'm done. This was miserable. I'll only do it one more time for Norbit. And then that's it. And that is it. And of course, coming to America.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He puts on makeup for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was his SNL? Did you enjoy it? This one that was just two days ago? Did not see it. Did not see it. Didn't realize that it happened. No, well, of course, at press time, it has not happened yet. Scott, you tricked me. I did trick you. At press time. I'm one of these impractical jokers. Wait a minute. Are we in press time right now? We are in press time. Hmm.

Panini press time. Oh, I wish. Oh, man. Please, Panini, don't hurt him. Oh, Panini. But, Doctor, I am Panini. Let's talk about Lil Nas X. He made his debut this year. Yeah, let's talk about it on this show. What if he – he's a character, by the way, a lot of people don't know, but he's a character that – In reality, he's big. Yeah, Zeke Nicholson plays him.

And he tricked all of America into liking his Old Town Road song. He's a comedian, and he started on this show. A lot of people don't know that. This is—okay, so this is episode 615 from August 19th, and this is an episode entitled The Chastman Family. Paul, do you know this episode? Yes, I do know this episode very well. Very well, because you were a participant. Yes, it's true. Most certainly. Now it can be told. Okay.

This is an episode which has two of the stars of the BBC television show Orphan Black, Tatiana Maslany and Christian Brune. Tatiana is an Emmy Award winner for her role of several of the orphans. Yes, she is. Christian is not. Christian is not. Won zero Emmys. He is. Not for playing the husband. He did not win one for playing Constable Johnstable. No, he certainly did not on whatever that show was.

Hide and Seek, the movie. He did not win an Emmy for that. What about the... Brian. The movie that he was... He did not win an Emmy for What About Brian? The movie he was promoting on this episode, Ready or Not. Has he won an Emmy for that? No, that's what I'm talking about. Hide and Seek. He did not win an Emmy for Hide and Seek. I thought Hide and Seek was a different thing. No. It sounds... See, this is the thing about Christian. It sounds plausible. He's been in so many things that...

You know, you just have never heard of. He didn't win an Emmy for The Handmaid's Tale for playing Creep. That's right. For playing TLC's Creep. He came on to The Handmaid's Tale. He won The Handmaid's Tale. Just like in Say Anything, press the boom box. Press the jukebox. Underneath The Handmaid's Tale's window. Give it a Fonzie punch. And suddenly it started playing TLC's Creep. Please let someone Photoshop this.

At least a picture. At least a picture. At least a picture, if not a video of him doing this. Yeah, please make a video. Go out and film him doing this. Yeah, do a deep fake. Go out and film him doing this. And then we can say it's from The Handmaid's Tale. There's got to be...

A scene in The Handmaid's Tale. I have not seen it, but there's got to be one where... It's just The One Hand. The Handmaid's Tale, where Elizabeth Moss looks out a window, right? There's got to be... It's somewhere in there. I don't think so. Really? They don't have windows? I don't think so. In this dystopian future? They have windows. I'm remembering the series now. I don't think her character ever looks out a window. No.

But if there was one, and then get the John Cusack from Say Anything, put Christian's head on top of John Cusack, and then put TLC's creep on the boombox. Okay, you have to be an editing master. You have to be a Frank Pulaski himself to do something like this, by the way.

By the way, Frank, hope you're doing well out there. Frank, hope you're doing well. Out there in Hawaii, I believe you is. Yes, mahalo. Mahalo. He's made a lot of videos. That's where there's the Q-Stacks. John Q-Stacks? You got to be careful. So Frank or anyone, please do that for us. Oh, now that's a real challenge to Frank. Because of course he wants to be the guy to do it. He's recuperating. He tripped over a Q-Stack. He tripped over a Q-Stack. He tripped over Joan Q-Stack.

Oh, and Q-Stack. You know what? I was on a plane with them one time. Really? One time? It was when I did the Informant. You were in the Informant and you did a play? No, I was on a plane. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I thought you said I did a play. I mean, they're an acting family. I would love to have done a play with the Q-Stack sisters. Yeah, I would love that. But I was, I was, so we filmed in like,

It was – were we in Iowa or something? It was – we went to film – it was very strange. So you weren't a local hire? They flew you out? No, they flew me out. I shot in Los Angeles and this courtroom scene we shot in – I can't remember what state it was in. It was like a place I had never been before. And we shot inside of an actual courtroom. It was strange that we went all the way there. Yeah, there's plenty of courtroom sets here in Los Angeles. Yeah, but there – so we were –

There's a ton of people there. Patton Oswalt was there. I remember we had lunch together in the Stephen Soderbergh's film, The Informant. Steve, Steve. Oh, sorry. Stephen Soderbergh, of course. And Anne and Joan Cusack. I can't remember if they were both in the movie.

Or whether they were just hanging out. But it seemed like it was a coincidence that they were on the plane together and I was sitting next to one of them. They didn't sit next to each other. Well, they asked if I would switch. Oh. So they could sit together and I said, of course. Of course, you are the Cusacks. Yes. And then at one point I tried to do a bit with them where I leaned around from the seat I was in front of them. Okay.

And I can't remember what the bit was, but they did not find it funny. They were very confused. Did they not know you were in the film? And then when you showed up on the set, they're like, oh, it's the bit guy from the airplane. I think, no, this is on the way back. Oh, so they already knew you. So luckily I never saw either one of them again. Ha ha ha.

Except on the silver screen. Of course. But I can't remember what the bit was, but I remember them registering that it was a bit way too, like I held until they realized it was a bit, and then when they sort of polite laughed, I slunk back to my seat. I hate that feeling. That happened to me just last night. I know, I'll never forget it. What was,

I was talking to a friend and I launched into some bit based on what she said. And I think she got defensive about what she had said. Like I was trying to say she was wrong about something. And I was like, oh, no, we were just like having fun. That happened to me too recently. But it was the person's fault, not my fault that they took it too seriously. OK. This one was probably my fault where I was not clear. Was this like a good friend? See him five times a year. Yeah. Great friend. As friends go.

That's good for me. Yeah. So, and then at a certain point I was like, do I explain that I'm just doing a bit? And I was just like, oh, I'm just going to give up. Well, then that's not a good friend. I just extricated myself from the situation. That's not a good, if it's a good enough friend, of course you say, look, I was kidding around. I tried. And then it just dug itself deeper into. This person sounds like a chore. Yeah. Wait, was it me? Yeah. The Shaggy sequel. Wait, was it me? Yeah.

Wait, maybe I'm misremembering. As I'm reviewing this, it might have been me. In my recollection. Now that I'm hearing your side of things, I'm realizing that might have been me.

All right, let's get back to this. This is Tatiana and Christian were here. Christian had his movie Ready or Not that he was promoting. And we talk about that previous to the clip we'll hear where some things that we need to establish. They're not featured in the clip, but you may need to know them before listening to these clips. Earlier in the show, we talk about going to hell on each other, which I believe –

is established as some sort of oral sex thing. Yes, yes. Okay. And I believe that we also talk about –

knee pads that were promotional materials for the movie Ready or Not. Ready or Not knee pads that one would use while one was doing that. Going to hell on someone. Right. And also one thing you need to know is I, around this time, and hopefully in the future, I had been doing a lot of ads for Thomas's English muffins, which by the way, every single time, I'm just going to, since the best ofs are where we talk about the process, every time I do one of these,

In the ad, I am eating an English muffin supposedly in it. And people say, hey, will you stop eating while you're doing the ad? And what they don't know is that that is part of the ad. I am told to eat an English muffin by the Thomases – by the Thomases themselves, Chris and Scott Thomas.

Henry Thomas? Yes. Philip Michael Thomas. Sure. And of course, Justice Clarence Thomas. The Council of Thomases gets together. The Thomasese. And they tell me to eat this English muffin while I do the ad. Council of Thomases is a shirt. That is a shirt. And there's the four Thomases. Henry Thomas. Henry. Philip Michael Thomas. Kristen Scott Thomas. And Justice Clarence Thomas.

This is a shirt. These are all shirts. But now, hold on a second. We have fun. Yes, we do have fun. Does it really? We do have fun. We have fun. You don't have a gun. It is acknowledged. Pointed at me right now. We do have fun. They don't actually ask you to eat an English muffin. Yeah, they do. They say you read this ad while you are eating an English muffin. Is that for real? That is for Rell. Yes. For low Rell?

It's for Lil Rel. I hope he's listening. By the way, he was supposed to be on the show this year. Oh, no. He couldn't do it? At the last second, a lot of people wonder about the booking process. Here's what happens.

Publicists reach out and say, can this person be on the show? And then there is a – You always say yes. Always say yes. And there is a two-month long process of trying to find a date. And then when we find a date, approximately three days before, they drop out. I remember when I was doing Spontanean Nation and that show Blunt Talk was about to premiere. Yes, with Patrick Stewart and Mary Holland. I was asked by someone that I don't think works here anymore.

Would you be interested in having Patrick Stewart on the show? This was Kevin, by the way. This is how we're fine right now. It was not Kevin. Surprise, bitch! Surprise, my good bitch. Would you be interested in having Patrick Stewart on the show? And I said, of course I would. The next thing I heard was...

All right. We got those ads for you to read for Blood Talk. That's not the same thing at all. Were you saying, would you like to read Patrick Stewart's name on the show? And that's how he'd be on the show? This is what happens. Publicists, what they do, they get a client. What they do.

This is what I've figured out over several years of doing the show and hiring a publicist myself. What they do is they- And being a publicist for two years. Yes, of course. Yes. They take on a client and then they put out like pretty much a mass email to anyone that they think would possibly be interested in having this person on. Yes. They have not cleared it with the person at this point. They just say, hey, here are all the email addresses I have.

Would you be interested in having – let's use Patrick Stewart as an example. Would you be interested in having Patrick Stewart on the show? They have not spoken to Patrick Stewart. They get a bunch of yeses. They see how many yeses they can collect, and then they take all of the asks to the client, Patrick Stewart, and then rank them in what they – like how good they are. Once they've gotten all the yeses, they're like, oh, wow, we have all these major ones. You no longer need to do these minor ones. And they, in fact –

they say, we don't feel you need to do this one underneath it, which always, and we always get tricked into it. That's always happens to me. Like major stars say they want to do the show supposedly. And we bend over backwards and then they, the stars read the email and go, I'm not going to do that. And then it just disappears. But I'm not saying that's Lil Rel because I, I, Lil Rel, uh, uh,

is a comedian and truly did want to do the show and just couldn't. Sometimes though, here's another thing that happens sometimes that stars do want to do the show and their publicist doesn't even present that. That happened with Neil Patrick Harris. Do you recall that? A couple of years back, he was in the best ofs. Neil Patrick Harris listens to this show, if not every week, occasionally. Yeah.

If not every week, he listens occasionally. And wanted to do the show, asked to do it. We tried to set it up and then the publicist never passed it on to him. And he took a look at his schedule and said, wait, where's Comedy Bang Bang? And made sure that it was on his schedule. And this is getting back to Tatiana and Christian. Got to. They –

Of course, our big stars and on major television shows and Tatiana's in movies and Christian has appeared in movies. What would you say is the chief difference? I mean, Tatiana's like sought out for movies and Christian auditions. No, Christian, you're a great friend. We're just razzing you. But they are they were both Comedy Bang Bang fans first before we met. That's right.

And we met them because they were fans. Yes. And they would listen to it during Orphan Black and talk about their favorite episodes. And I remember Tatiana saying that when she would bike around Toronto, she would be listening to episodes. And she came up to Andy Samberg and Lauren Lapkus at a party that they all happened to be at and started rapping the Hollywood Facts theme, which is from several years ago. It was an episode. You can hear it in a previous Best Of. So she is –

She and Christian are both fans. And they're now friends, but they were fans first. Came to see us in San Diego wearing Ninja Mutant Turtle costumes. And so they're fans. And it's always a pleasure to have them on the show. They're dear, lovely people. And what I enjoyed about this episode is the two of them, Paul F. Tompkins and then Kirby Hal-Baptiste, who is a she...

People primarily know her as an actress now who's on every good show from Killing Eve to Barry. To The Good Place. The Good Place. She's on every good show. And she is a comedian who started out at the Upright Citizens Brigade. And I got to know her. She was on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. And.

And so she's been on the show a few times, I believe, doing characters. And so what happened on this episode is it was the four of you. I believe I booked Tatiana and Christian and then asked you to do it. And then Kirby also was only available that day. So we put the four of you together.

And what happened was, first of all, the four of you, was it early in the morning or I can't remember, but it had what you described as crazy sleepover energy. Yeah, I feel like it was early in the morning. Yeah, I think it was. It was like first thing in the morning and everyone came in kind of loopy. And I had texted –

And Tatiana and Christian before, when I knew we were all going to be on together, before I knew Kirby was going to be on, and said, do you want to do something like a bit together? Right. You know? Because occasionally, I think the first time that Tatiana and Christian did the show, they were just themselves and then jumped in as characters. So they are, and they're improvisers. Yes. They started out as improvisers in Canada. A lot of people don't know that. So they are perfectly comfortable jumping in and improvising. That's correct. So.

So, and then Kirby ended up on the show because of scheduling, just happened to be on the show. And she decided to- Well, we asked her. We said, would you, do you want to jump in on our thing? We're going to be a, we're going to just going to be a family. Be a family. That's all you guys knew. That's all we knew, yeah. You were going to be a family. So Kirby also jumped into it and it turned out to be a wonderfully silly-

It was so much fun to do. Crazy episode. We're going to be hearing a little bit of this. This is, and the title of the episode is The Chastman Family, but it doesn't exactly stay there. I don't even want to spoil any of it. Don't! Let's hear a little bit of it. This is your episode number 12. Number one, two. Please introduce yourselves. You're a family, from what I understand. Yes. Yes. My...

My name is, excuse me. You're excused. My name is Robert Chastman. Robert Chastman? Yes, I'm the patriarch of the family. Oh. And these are my family members. My name's Chastity Aspen. Chastity Aspen. Chastity Aspen.

And I am a family member of this man to my left. And we are family members. What is your relation? I am his daughter. Oh, okay. And you married someone named Aspen? I married into the family. Oh, you did? Oh, I see. And survived the night. So you're not a blood relative? No. But you survived the night? But I did survive the night, yes. Okay, congratulations. We have shared blood because...

Yours or someone else's? Please let me. You are so out of breath. You can't do it. Are you ever going to get your breath back or is this your natural state? I walked up the stairs. It's one flight. Oh, tell me about it. We carried him up. We carried him up halfway. So it's half a flight and you're out. I'm terribly sorry.

I'm not in as good a shape as I used to be. Do you think you'll regain your composure or will you? Time will tell. Okay, great. So Chastity married into the family and I gave her a little bit of my blood in a vial to put into her own veins so that we could become...

Because I have blood relatives. Oh my goodness. Now are you yawning or are you, you're just still out of breath? No, I got dizzy. I thought I was going to go lights out. That was one of his lights out moments. He has a little lady out every now and again. It was one of my loms. Yeah, your loms. Lights out moments. Lights out moments. Yeah. When that happens to him, we have to transfer the blood back. How long have you been part of, oh really? Yeah. So you have to, where do you keep that blood? Oh, we have vials. And how long have you been with the family? I,

I've been with the family three weeks. Three? Wonderful weeks. Three weeks? Okay. And who did you marry? Whom did you marry? I married this man across the way. Oh, and what's your name, sir? My name is Branston Chastman. Brans... Branston. Branston. Branston Chastman. Chastman, okay. And Chastity and I have been married for three weeks, and I thought it a little bit strange that...

My father gave her blood when I would have easily offered my blood to her, because she's my wife. Oh, well, you've got to get in there early, I guess. This is the first I'm hearing of this. Well, I would have offered it, Father, but you readily popped a vein and added a vial of blood to her without consulting me. And, you know, I think you should have. It was a wedding gift. I can't believe how ungrateful you are. Well...

I am. I know, but I can't believe it. Well, you should believe it because... That's one of the traits that I fell in love with him about is his ungratitude. Boys. Now, who's this? Hi. Cecilia Chastaman. Hi, Cecilia Chastaman? Chastaman. So you have a different name. Yeah. So did you also marry into the family? Yes. Yes.

Cecilia Chastaman. Chastaman. Okay, and you kept your maiden name, Chastaman. Chastaman. Like Rastaman, but Chastaman. I mean, it would have been a bit confusing if she hyphenated Chastaman, Chastaman. Chastaman, Chastaman. It would have been a bit much. Or she could have just changed it to Chastaman. I'm a modern woman. I wouldn't change. Cecilia and I, we are not married. No. Oh. We... She... I am...

The father. Yes. And Cecilia has adopted him. Hello. Okay. As her son. Oh, okay. So is this a recent relationship between the two of you? No, we've known each other since high school. High school. Oh, okay. But how long have you known each other, if you know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean. Gone to hell on each other. What does that mean? What does that mean? Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to tell you. We haven't gone there yet. You haven't had the talk yet? It's time for the talk. Chastity lives up to her name. Are you just watching the talk? It's time for the talk. The talk is on. 10 a.m. Should we go watch the talk? Turn on CBS. Then we'll watch the chew. It's time for the chew. I love a good chew.

So, but how long have you been date or romantic, I guess? Off and on. Off and on for, I'd say, 17 years. Oh, okay. When you say off and on, every other day or what? Literally every other day. Every other day. One day we say we on, next day we say we off. Okay. You consider her to be your mother. Well, I call her mother and I call him father, but she's my stepmother. Who is your actual mother? Is she still with us or has she moved on? Father, would you like to go into that? No.

Moved on that heavenly escalator. Her blood has been transferred throughout the family. Yes. Really? So she is still with us. We all carry a lot of her blood. A little bit of her blood. I see, but when she died, you drained the body of all the blood? It just happened. Yeah. Really? Yeah. It was spilled.

Spilling out. We had to put it somewhere. We had to put it somewhere. We put a bucket under her. How did she die then? Was she like hung up from the ceiling? She was desanguinated. That's how she died. She was desanguinated by a serial killer? No, here's the thing. Here it is.

She liked to sew. Oh, yes. Don't get your... I know how you see this. She was making a flag for the family. A flag. An American flag or a flag that... A family flag. A family flag. You say family flag as if every family makes them. Everybody has a family flag. Who doesn't have a family flag? The flag that everyone's family has. Yes, the family flag. How do you know who the family is at a house? And what do you hang outside? Is it... Plants? I don't know.

Plants. Can you imagine? Is it a literal representation of like pictures of the family or is it like our stars and stripes which represent things? No, it's like, you ever see that on the back of a car? The Calvin guy pissing on the thing? No, please. Don't be ridiculous. The In-N-Out Urge sticker? This is a sacred thing. Please, it's family. It'll be stick figures of the family in size order. Holding hands. Including pets holding hands. With some truck nuts in the corner. Yes. Okay.

Well, she was sewing the flag. And she had beautiful long hair. Beautiful. She sounds gorgeous. She was very proud, prideful of it. That's a sin. Don't I know it? And

And her hair got caught in the sewing machine mechanism. It pulled her entire body through the sewing machine. All the way through. All the way through. No! And she had multiple puncture wounds. What a horrible way to die. Well, she wasn't complaining. She's kind of always around because she's sewn into the family flag. It's true. So her corpse is part of this flag that you guys fly? Well, it's dry now and it's quite light. And flat. It flaps. And no blood. What?

No, it's desanguinated and it flaps. It flaps. And honestly, it's nice because I love having my sister around. It slaps. It bangs. It's a bop. Okay. I just wanted to check.

So she's out of the picture in that way. Okay. But in the picture in other ways. Yes. Very much so. And so how long was it before you moved on to Cecilia Chastaman here? Oh, what a tiny mind you have. We would have been together the whole time. Really? So you were in a throuple situation? You think this is it? Listen, we're on and off every day. The day I was off, my sister was on.

Yes. Wait, this was your sister? Yes. Yes. Eugenia Chastaman. Eugenia Chastaman. Eugenia. Oh, my gosh. So is she or was she older or younger or twins? She must have been.

Yeah. That's true. I mean, it's quite obvious. Quite obviously she must have been. What a ridiculous question. Ridiculous. And you guys knew each other from school, obviously. You must have sat next to each other. No, we were sisters. Well, yes, I know you and your sister knew each other from sisterhood. I'm saying Robert over here.

You got to know each other in high school because you sat next to each other? We were in homeroom together. Really? Yeah. What do you do in homeroom? I didn't have a homeroom. Mostly we passed notes back and forth. Oh, that sounds adorable. It was pretty cute. See, I didn't get to do that because you homeschooled me. That's right, and you're the better man for it. Yes. What was your homeschool experience like?

Well, Eugenia and Cecilia would sit me down and, well, mother, I should say. Mother and mother. Mother and mother. Mother and mother. Don't be rude. Well, no, father, I was explaining to a stranger about the family. Never talk to outsiders about the family. I don't know any of you. Maybe we shouldn't be here, father. Anyways, they would sit me down and they would teach me everything about family.

Birds and bees and trees and letters. So the four subjects. Birds, bees, trees, letters. Birds, bees, trees, letters. Birds, bees, trees, letters. Birds, bees, trees, letters. Did you ever see a bird and a bee and a tree? Ever seen a letter when you got better? Ever seen a bee when you got better? Look at my knee. That's what I think of thee. Birds, bees, trees, letters.

What a wonderful song. And you would sing that every day? We would sing that for, instead of the national anthem, we would sing that every morning. Yeah, if we put our hands over our hearts. Who are these kids singing the national anthem every morning? They ship them in. That's where I came in. I was one of the children shipped in for the song, which is why I always enter singing, because I've been trained to do so. Chastity has a voice of an angel. I would love to hear it.

Here's an example. So angelic. Look at that bass note. Dolcet Tones of Chastity. Now, Chastity would sing the national anthem as we would... It was a compare and contrast. So that...

Are you all right? Bramston, Bramston, father. My name is Bramston. I flashed on those stairs for a second. Oh, father. She would sing the national anthem. We would say to Bramston, see, that's how they do it. Okay, I would love to hear the national anthem because you must know it. Oh, say can you see. It's good to start low because it goes very high. She sets it up very high. Oh, Louis H.

by the firelight still gleaming. See, this is what I always love. I know these whole words and the... The interpretation is just delightful. Did you say hamburger? And hamburgers cooked...

By the night of the day And the flock its red flares Blaring down in hares, hares Bray probes and Jeff probes That Jack was still there Take it, Cecilia. Say, can't be finished. Stars quake and bleed Banner

Square. For the land of opportunity. And I stand on guard for thee.

from a bee

This is taking me right back to my childhood. Right. Well, so I was homeschooled, but we brought your childhood sweethearts or you've only been married three weeks. Did you? Three weeks, three weeks of marriage. I saw I saw him across the way. So I'm sitting in his little desk, twiddling his little pencils. You have a little desk when you're homeschooled. You're the only one there. Well, I built it. I had to build a rickety little thing. You're handsy that

That was part of the dream. I'm quite handsy. My father has always said I'm quite handsy. He's quite handsy. Handsy handsy. And I said, here, put your hands to good use. Stop groping me. He would grope you. That's the opposite of what usually happens. It was hard to discover what a man is when I'm being taught by mother and mother. And that's also why they shipped in the other children.

Like how you know if you're unhuman, you can't teach a dog how to pee. He has to see another dog pee. He has to see another dog. Sorry, I'm bilingual. Oh, so you speak English in two different accents? Yes. Oh, amazing. That's what I said. I said bilingual. Chastity, are you okay? I'm not well.

What's going on with you? You're not sickly, are you? I'm super sick. Yeah, I'm dying. You're dying? The blood in my body has been being rejected. I didn't want to bring it up because I know you're not well. Is it a different blood type? It's so kinds of different bloods have been mixed into his body and I got the brunt of it. My blood type is J.

Oh, I've never heard of that one. Yeah, it's new. J negative or J positive? No, 2019. Which one? Did Big Pharma just invent it? I'm J positive. I thought so. Yeah. I can tell from your disposition. Yeah, and it's not great. That's why he had such a hard time with the stairs. Oh, I see. This blood type does not transfer oxygen well. So all of your blood has been replaced by a new synthetic J positive blood? Well, it's not synthetic. It's just an amalgam of all the different bloods I've had.

They just mix them all together and then they inject it into your body. There's a bit of cornstarch in there for thickening. There's some carotid syrup. Oh, no. It's quite thick. Yeah. It's very syrupy and, well, I guess it's clogging up poor Charity's chest. I didn't want to bring it up since we're on our honeymoon and all that. You're still on your honeymoon. We are currently. This is the honeymoon. Oh, really? You came to Los Angeles? This was our gift to them. To them. This is the biggest gift. They came along, though. Where are you from?

Where are we from? Isn't it obvious? We all sound exactly the same. Yes, exactly. Where else would we be from? But the place we came from. Oh, I see. Together.

And so you say you're dying? I mean, should you go to the hospital? Oh, yeah, that's big news. No, this is the way that it is with wives in the family. They die within three weeks, usually, of the injection. Really? So wait a minute. Did you know that going in? I knew. You did, and you wanted to die. I wanted to die.

You know, I am not meant for this world. We call her Death Wish Chastity. Yeah, it's sort of my nickname. It's a fun little... It is fun. But it's less fun when it becomes reality and serious and my wife's going to die soon. So how long do you have on this earth? I'd say 14 to 20 more minutes. Oh, really? Yeah, that sounds about right. How do you feel, Chastity? I'm...

Not well. This is ending. Oh, no. What, your life? The life I live. You just say my life. She's getting out of the life. Oh, I see. Getting out of this conscious mind. Mother, father, what should we do?

I'm losing my bride. You've gone pale and you have sunken to your knee and your, yeah, your cheeks. My eyeballs are loose. My teeth are loose. Would you like my knee pads? Would my knee pads make it more comfortable for you? Yes, if you put them under my eyeballs. Oh, my God. Your nostrils just fell out. Oh, no. My nose is just blank. How do holes fall out?

The holes fell out. The holes fell out. It's weird. It's so strange looking. I'm turning inside out, as all women do. Oh, no. That's the difference. That's what Mother taught us. Yes, after 40, you turn inside out. That's why women become invisible. That's why men don't see us anymore. I understand. We turn inside out. That scans. That scans Mother. Like as if we went over a swing very, very fast. Oh, yes. My wife.

Oh, no. My life. My life, my wife. Boris says, what? Huh? Chastity, we will miss you. You were a wonderful addition to the family for this fortnight and a half. Go on. You've been the best wife I've ever had. How many have you had? Six. What? No, nothing. Did you not? You've had six wives? Wait, what? I don't want to die now. I need to know the truth of this. Yeah, stop turning inside out. Put those nostrils back in.

Oh, I bunged it. I bunged it right up. Oh, God. You've had six wives? I've had a few wives, yes. This is your sixth wife? Yeah. And they've all died? Yes. After three weeks. Yes, he's planning a trip to St. Ives. Yes. Oh, I don't know what that means. That's where they make the creams and the soaps and the scrubs. You have to have seven wives to go to St. Ives. Oh, I had no idea. What do you think this bag of cats is for? But wait, Chastity, you did not know that you were the sixth wife? I didn't know this. I'm sorry. I thought I was the seventh.

Oh, yes. I thought I was completing the cycle. St. Ives. No, I need one more wife. Who is going to take my place? Well, that depends on father and mother. They arrange every one of them. Do you have a candidate in mind? Well, we'll ship someone in, but I have a very good daughter who could be a prime candidate. So good. Would you like to meet her?

Yes, we met her. She's been outside this entire time. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, bring her in. Well, this is a surprise. Madhura Bell, come on in. Madhura Bell, come in, Madhura Bell. This is Madhura Bell. Hello. Hello.

What a beautiful voice you have. Oh, thank you. Are you the sweet little apple of my eye, Branson Pickle? What's your name, sweetie? Yeah, Branson Chastman. Oh, boy, are you ever a pickle to remember? My God. He truly is a pickle to remember. You can't talk. You can barely talk. Who's army? What did you say? What's your name again? Me?

Yeah. Medulabel. You know her. She's your cousin. Oh, we've met before? Yes. We're blood cousins, you and I. Should we be getting married, mother, father? Yes. Medulabel, is it? Medildabel. Medildabel. Medildabel. Medildabel. It's a normal name. And Medildabel in a different dialect. In different languages. I believe it's Medildabel. So now you're Medildabel Chastaman. Yes.

And you've never met Branson ever? We only traded letters. Apparently. That was part of letters. But I think they wrote them on my behalf because they set up all these marriages. Oh, I see. But I held the pen in my left hand so it looked like a little kid. There were some E's that were backwards, like on a lemonade sign. And you fell asleep on your hands as well. Yeah, I did. The stranger. Yeah. Why are you making that weird voice, Father? No reason. So...

Well, I mean, what do you think, you guys? I mean, if you like what you see. Chastity meet Medilda Bell. Medilda Bell. Medilda Bell? This will hurt? Yeah. Well. What, this will hurt? This is hurting. This hurts. Honey, it's not my choice. What's with her eyeballs? What's with

those little eyeballs. She's dying very soon. And her nostrils fell out. Get rid of her. Get her out of here. Well, let's have some decorum, Medilda Bell. And maybe we get a little married. What do you say, Pickle Man? Well, first Chastity has to die so that I can then be Chastity, what's your ETA on this? It's done. Really? You're out? Oh, there she goes. Oh, and she's gone. Oh, no, my Chastity.

It's fine. We'll get over it. Jesus said, it is finished. And Chastity said, it's done. She's done. She's crumpled on the floor, Scott. All right. So if you want to have a ceremony here, I mean, it wouldn't be the first wedding ceremony, I believe. Okay. Well, don't make it not special. All right. Oh, Heavenly Father, look down upon this union. That's my favorite part.

That took a lot out of me. That's it. You're breathless again, Father. Breathe, honey. Branstad, Branstad. Oh, God. You're out of breath already. I haven't sung in 50 years. Really? Yeah. What a joyless life you've had. Yeah, it sucks. Branstad. Yes, Father. Look upon your bride. I'm looking. I'm looking. And say to her, Oh.

I wish to love you like nobody's business. Oh, I wish to love you like nobody's business. Such loose vowels. Thank you. Do you say vowels or vowels? Little bit of column A, little bit of column B. I do have a bit of a leak going on from excitement. Oh, Lestra.

Now then, Medula Bell. Yes. Look upon your beloved. And repeat after me. Oh, I shall love you until the day that I die in a fortnight and a half. I love you, love you, love you.

Oh, I shall love you until the fortnight ends. And then the blood gets transferred back and forth. I think she's scatting on this. She's going rogue. She's gone into full scat, father. She's a scat man. Well done. And is that the... Now I will finish the ceremony. Will you do it with me? Of course, dear. Hi!

I love to see a wedding. I like to see people in love. The end. Father, mother, am I married? Yeah. Yeah, duh. We said the end. No, but I mean, I thought it would be somewhat... What does the end mean? It means the end, mother. You're right.

So nothing happens between the two parties involved? Well, we go to St. Ives for the honeymoon. Oh, okay. That's why you have these shitty cats. I guess I mean like the you may kiss the bride party. Maybe that's not tradition. Why would they kiss? That's weird. Kissing the bride. Kiss your mother. You don't kiss your bride. You may go to hell. Here we go. One second.

We call it a 96. You're little knee pads. Thank you. You got them off of the chastity's body. Thank you. And the towel. Okay, here we go. And wrap it around. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yep. Sounds like me when I'm eating a Thomas's English muffin. Yep. Mm-hmm. And I came. Are they going to be happy about that? Only after two whole licks. This one's a keeper father, mother. That's what I say after eating a Thomas's English muffin. One. Two licks. And this one's a keeper father. Three.

Well, guys, this is beautiful. I mean... What's more beautiful than cross talk? Thomas's English muffin. She asked an answer. There you go. I mean, we said it was going to happen and it did. We are psychic.

I think. That's not how I was thinking of it, but you're right. About what we were going to do. I was thinking we were as good as our word, but I think you're right. We're just psychic. What we said did come to pass. Would you be considered psychic if you predicted things you were going to do and then you just did them? You got to do them, though. You got to do them. Or else you'd be a fraud.

That was a fun episode. You enjoyed that one? I had so much fun. I love playing with... I love just being with those guys. And Kirby is somebody that I've only gotten to play with a few times. And she's, you know, she's wonderful and so funny. And it was great. For me, it was such a fun combination of people. Yeah, it was a great combo of people. I don't think...

Did you know Kirby beforehand or had you ever met her? I met her a bunch of times. You met her a bunch of times. Okay. So yeah, it was just one of those great combinations. Sometimes in booking the show, I

As the person who books it, I always try to find a fun combination of people. And sometimes it's good to pick people who have worked together. You look like you're nodding off. No, I'm emphatically nodding. You're emphatically nodding. Yes, I'm nodding but not off. They look very similar. You looked as if what I was saying was the most boring thing you had ever heard. Midnight Mass, nod off, where you catch yourself when your head drops down. M-M-N-O. So we...

Stick to your own side of the street. I tried – sometimes I try to book people who have worked together a lot and that can be the ease of relationship between the people can lead to a really fun episode. But then sometimes people who have never worked together, just magic happens. And that is – and then sometimes you do either one of those and it's terrible. Yeah.

Yeah, frequently. And those episodes are not on the best of. We'll see. By the way, Kevin texted me a bit of information. In the prequel comic to Justice League Gods and Monsters, Joe Chill is the right-hand man of Lou Moxon. When Batman corners them during a meeting with the other crime lords, he kills Lou Moxon and drinks Joe Chill's blood. What? This is an alternate universe take, I believe. What?

Thank you for that information, Kevin. All right. Drinks is blood. I don't know that. Okay. So I've hated a few people in my life. Personality conflicts, obviously. I don't think that I would, as much as I dislike someone, I don't think I would find any pleasure in drinking their blood. I don't want to drink any blood. I don't want to drink blood of people I love and I love them, which means it includes their blood.

love them. So you have to drink their blood. I love you, you know. When I love someone, I love all of them. I love their organs. Yeah, especially one in particular. No, when I love someone, even a friend, it means I love their sexual organs. Can you say that to a friend and have it not be weird in this climate? I love you from your fingertips to your sexual organs. Your organs of generation.

All right, that's going to do it for us for part one. But look, part two is just around the corner, coming up in a few days. Around the clock. On Thursday, where the fudge is made. And it is, on Thursday's episode, part two, we are going to be counting, we're going to finally get into the single digits. So we're going to hear. Get into the single digits. Yeah. Let's tell you what, this will be fun. Silver Sun Pickups came on. Tell you what. Tell you what.

Silver Sun Pickups came on and you heard their voices certainly talking, but what if we heard them singing?

Let's close out the episode. They were so nice. They were nice enough to get into the, uh, uh, into the episode. And they also, uh, they sent a message wondering if they should campaign for their episode as well. Uh, so, and by the way, you're allowed to do that. You are, you have not done it in recent years. No, it's been a long time. I used to do, you used to do it. You used to go out there and campaign for certain episodes. Yeah. Uh,

I also haven't voted in many years. You used to vote and try to jack up your stats. Yeah, I would just vote for all my episodes. Of course I would. Why wouldn't I? You would do the same! You would do the same! The only person I believe that put out a call for people to vote for their episode was Thomas Middleditch this year. Oh, really? Yeah, we'll see how that ended up.

Let's play one of the songs that Silver Sun Pickups played in their episode. And this was cut from the episode, so this is a treat. No, this is in the episode. No, no, it was not cut. So we've heard it. So if you're not into music, turn it off right now and consider this to be the end of the episode. But this is a great song. Let's hear a little bit of Silver Sun Pickups, and we'll see you on Thursday. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I can't leave the scene behind.

So isn't meant to be sick. When you see yourself in a crowd and gas it show you pissed away. When you step in line or at least that could fall asleep.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

I know when you see yourself in a creeping gas head, show your pistol when

♪ Will you step in line or release the glitch? ♪ ♪ Fall asleep with a panic switch ♪ ♪ You see yourself in a crowded room ♪ ♪ Fing I sit, shot your pistol in ♪ ♪ Will you step in line or you think she'll sleep with a panic? ♪

♪ Waiting, fading, floating away ♪ ♪ Waiting, fading, floating away ♪ ♪ Waiting, fading, floating away ♪ ♪ Waiting, fading, floating away ♪ ♪ When you see yourself in a crowd ♪ ♪ And your fingers itch, are you pissed or wet ♪ ♪ Will you step in line or release the glitch ♪

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

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