Best of 2019 Pt.2
02:00:49 Share

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus, auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Quote now at Progressive.com to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates national average 12-month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive.

Between June 2022 and May 2023, potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace, our old friends, and Spring. Man, it truly has sprung. No one can argue that. And what do we know about spring? Spring is a time of fresh starts. That's right. You thought January was good for starting fresh? Spring's gotcha beat. Spring's gotcha beat.

springs about rebirth, and that could mean starting a new venture or switching things up on your website. Well, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. With the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint, you can select from curated layout and styling options to create a personalized website optimized for every device, integrated, optimized, optimizeded, optimizeded.

SEO tools. Allow your site to show up more often and grow the way you want. Plus, make checkout easy for customers with easy-to-use payment tools, except credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in certain countries, give customers the chance to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and ClearPay. Selling content on your website?

well add a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell downloadable files head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch and i know you're going to be go to squarespace.com slash bang bang to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain

Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy bang bang, Comedy bang bang, Comedy bang, Comedy bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang,

Thank you to Commander Ostigo. Commander Ostigo. Oh, congrats on your promotion. I feel like people are...

Now shooting to be an Alimony Tony character by you. Not going to do it. Commander Ostigo, try again. Sorry, Commander Ostigo. Alimony Tony is something we may be talking about later. Maybe not. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. This is Best of 2019 Part 2. Part 2. I'm going to take you to Part 2. Won't you take me? What? What?

That is a big audio dynamite reference that I believe you ask about every year when I do it every year. Yeah. This is part two. Yes. Kevin, Kevin is, is showing me three fingers up. I believe trying to communicate that it is part two to me. No, he's just mistaken. It is part two. Why would you think it's part three?

I don't want to hear you on mic. All right. He's just mistaken. But this is part two. He's just mistaken. Episode two, as they call it. Part two of four. We are counting down your top 15 plus one live episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. And on this episode, we are going to be hearing your choices for the 11th, the 10th, the 9th, and the live episode. So...

Shut up. And take your medicine. Yeah, this is it. Kevin, are you embarrassed that you got it wrong? Or were you trying to communicate something different? He's proud that he got it wrong. All right, go. He's just saying, oh, just move on. It's like puffing out his chest. Like, yeah, I got it wrong. He loves it. He loves it. What a weirdo. He's like strutting around like a peacock now. He's high stepping. Look at him. Murder up. Murder up. Murder up.

He's off-stepping. He's hot-stepping. Hot-stepper. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman, and I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. I'm Paul F. Tompkins, and I'm the guest of Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, sir, you are. And we do this every year. This is the 11th time we've done it. The show has been going on for 10 years and seven months at this point. Weird. Weird stuff. Weird stuff. That is weird, wild stuff. What a life we have lived together. It's true. It's true. It's true.

And separately, ain't nothing to sneeze at. No. I almost think that the lives we've lived separately are even better than the life we've lived together. Probably, yeah, because most of the life we've lived together has been in this room. Scott, by this point, we've been in so many different- Kevin is gesticulating so wildly at this moment. Stop it. He's like doing this. What's going on? I don't know what is going on. I don't want to know. Ryan is cracking up.

I don't even want to know, and yet they're moving around. They're like laughing themselves silly at this point. I don't know. I don't know what's happening. They're treating us like Hollywood Handbook treats them. I don't like it. I don't know that reference because I don't listen to Hollywood Handbook.

You should. It's fun. No, thank you. The boys. Those men. Welcome to the show, Comedy Bang Bang. This is episode two of four. If you did not hear the previous best of episode, let me just break down a little bit of what you're going to hear. Comedy Bang Bang is a show, a comedy show, where I host it every week and I have comedians on and actors and people promoting things, musicians, actors.

They play themselves or they are interviewed as themselves and they are themselves during the show. I also have comedians who are on as fake people or sometimes they're real people, but they're not the people that they say they are. Does that make sense? No. Break it down.

So let me use the Werner Herzog analogy again, as I did in the previous episode. Paul F. here sometimes plays Werner Herzog on the show, who is a real person, but it is not Werner Herzog. It is Paul F. Tompkins playing Werner Herzog. I've tricked you. You are also a leprechaun, are you not?

Yeah. I know that's reductive. They love playing tricks. We love playing tricks. That's Leberkahn's whole thing is playing tricks. Just playing tricks. Of course they have their- Please don't throw shoes at me. Then I have to repair them. What a strange, strange bit of folklore. Yeah. How does- What twisted mind comes up with something like that? It's always- I feel like legends like that always come out of somebody who doesn't want to do something. Yeah.

Yeah, like, I don't want to fucking repair these shoes. We'll just wait for leprechauns to come along and throw them at them. They have to do it. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's weird. Okay. So I'll just take my shoes. Well, I wanted to use them tomorrow if that was. I mean, you can, but. So I'll just see a leprechaun? Hopefully tonight? You might. Probably. Throw it at him? Yeah. And if he doesn't repair them, you get his gold. Well, that's cool. That's a pretty good deal. You have to find it.

Where? Wherever he's hidden it. Where does he usually hide it? Someplace tricky. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Ooh la la. Sex. Sex.

I imagine like a fancy handwritten font. Oh, yeah. Ooh la la. Sex. I think ooh la la is very fancy script and then sex is like 70s sort of. Yeah. You know. Now we're designing the shirts. I love it. Yeah. Makes it easier. Get a little off the top of them. Design fee. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

What we're doing here today, oh yeah, I described the show. So that's the show essentially. We're going to be hearing clips from the shows where comedians are playing these fake people. And we have a good time and we do this every year and you have a good time listening to it. Yeah, so shut up. So stop bothering us. I hate this battle that we go through every year. And now Kevin, by the way, is like sipping from his mug like he's Baby Yoda over here. He's doing a two-handed battle.

He's Baby Yoda over here. Like a Baby Yoda over here. But that's the thing. He's stealing focus so much. He's like lifting it up. Like he's lifting Baby Simba and the Lion King above his head or something. Did you know I'm a year older than Baby Yoda? When they're talking about like, boy, he's so old to be that young. They say Baby Yoda is 50 years old. Yeah. I'm like Baby Yoda. You are a baby. Aren't I? I've always said you're the Baby Yoda kid.

of the alternative comedy scene from the mid-90s through now. That's right. I have gigantic eyes and ears. I'm touching stuff in the ship I'm not supposed to touch. You're not supposed to touch. You're wearing a robe. A bathrobe. I would love to wear a bathrobe all the time. All the time. Yeah. Easy access, baby. As EZE once said. About bathrobes?

Is that what you're talking about? I think it was about sweatpants or something. I can't recall exactly what it was. So squalid. Easy access. So Paul's taking a little drink. But Scott was talking at the same time. So that dispels that rumor. It's true. I'm not doing the Paul Atopkins character. That's right. And Scott is not a wooden dummy. Not at all. Not in the least. A little bit. No wood anywhere near my body.

None of your body's made of wood? No. I'm allergic to wood. All wood? All wood, yes. Trees, I know what you're saying. Like trees? Yeah, trees. Because there's trees in the city. Yeah. Trees in the city, too. Which character are you? I'm a Samantha. I'm a Maple.

So essentially what happens on these episodes is this. Paul and I descend into madness doing it over several hours on one day. So these come out on four separate days over the course of two weeks. But what we are recording takes place in one long ass recording session. And so by the end of it, by episode four, we don't make any sense. Neither do you.

Yeah, neither do you, listener. So fuck you. You don't make any sense either. Why should we? If you're not going to make any sense, why should we bust our asses? Why should we bust our asses to make sense? Stop making sense. Dollars and cents, my dear boy. Cha-ching! For these t-shirts. All the t-shirts. Ooh la la sex. Ooh la la sex. That's going to be a big seller. Ooh la la sex. I think it is. And the four billies.

That actually is one that I think... I make an amendment to the four billies. The Noah's Ark panel should have like a circle as if indicating that it's the goats. Circles the goats. Yeah. In like red. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we are...

We are talking about. We knew we would get to Cosby. We're doing the top 15 this year as well as one live episode. We had a separate poll for the live episodes, which we've done maybe 12 of or 15, somewhere in that range. How do you know? How do you know? I missed the first part of your sentence. You're just saying 12? I was talking about Disciples of our Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've done 12? We've done 12. We counted them down. Number one with a bullet, Judas. No, come on. That's surprising. Come on. He's Peter. Peter is number one, the rock upon which Jesus built his church. Certainly. But he denied Jesus three times. Yeah, but— How can he get number one? Hey, none of the disciples are perfect. Well, Judas is the most famous, so he gets number one. I think he should be 12. I think he's the least disciple-y because of the— Because of the whole— The betrayal.

Because of the whole silver thing? 30 pieces. 30 pieces of it? I wish I could make him number 30. Oh, for all of those silver pieces he got. Number 30 and then number 11, Thomas, the doubting disciple. Who are the mid-tier disciples? I don't even remember some of them. Luke. Luke. What did Luke ever do? I can't remember who the 12 apostles are now.

Because the authors of the Gospels, I don't know if they're all apostles. Right. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John. I don't think John was a disciple. Don't look big in the way they run. Yeah. St. John to the Divine? I don't believe so. I don't believe so. Anyway, it's been way too long since we've been in a church. Yeah, man. It's been a while. Let's go to church tomorrow. Do you know what? I loved Midnight Mass when I was a kid. Yeah. Loved it. You live tweet Midnight Mass on Christmas, do you not? By the way- I do sometimes. Christmas just happened yesterday. Yeah.

So Merry Christmas, Boxing Day to you. Merry Boxing Day to everyone. Occasionally these episodes land upon Christmas or Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. This year they do not. This is the 26th. This is Boxing Day. It is Boxing Day. Yes. Did everyone get a box? You're just talking about Christmas. Yeah. Get that box instead of get that bag. I want that box. I want that box. I want that box. What's in that box? What's in the box?

That's what I do every Christmas present I open. You scream. What's in the box? Then I open it up and I say, oh, this was in the box. Thank you. Gloves. I start with gloves. How many gloves do you own? Three. If I could ever find that fourth one. Oh, man. I have a few pairs of gloves for a person who lives in Los Angeles. Yeah. I only find occasion to use them if I ever travel outside of town. Exactly. Have you ever worn a glove here in Los Angeles for any reason?

For the stage, of course. For the stage, oh yes. Saying the role of the glove man. Yes, I am the glove man. Hear me, hear my words. My hands, are they not warm? My phone, can I not not use it? But in your personal life, I don't, you're a person who would wear gloves and I don't know that you ever. It just never gets that cold here. It never does, does it? When we were in New York, it was very cold. I wore gloves there. Yes.

That's usually when I will buy a glove. I'll find myself in a – last year around this time, I was in Tokyo and it was very, very cold. And I was like, oh, shit, I need gloves. And then I'll have to like find a store that has them somewhere. See, we have a banker's box with all our winter accessories. Oh, and your phone. No, that's a safety deposit box. Oh, OK. What's a banker's box? It's the one you get fired. It's this box you put all your stuff in.

Bankers box is like a, you know, it's a pre-made, you know, file boxes. And we have scarves and hats and gloves in there. Scarves and hats and gloves. Fun.

It is fun. It's a fun box. But you hardly ever get that box down. It's a fun box. It's a fun box. I don't even wear like a scarf usually. I should wear more scarves. I will wear... A scarf is a good thing to have here because it can get cold. It can get a bit chilly. And you got to protect your neck. Yep. Wu-Tang. But the only problem with weather in Los Angeles...

And I hope we're making everyone jealous and want to move here. Is the fact that it starts off hot and then when it comes around to be time for a scarf, you haven't left the house with a scarf because it started out so hot. Am I making sense? Or have I stopped making sense? No, you have started making sense. Finally. It's true. And you have to plan ahead because there are certain times of year where you know desert climate, it's going to drop down and get cold. How cold do you think it's going to be here tonight? One. One.

Oh, an elephant walked in the room. All right. Do you want to get to it? Should we get to our first clip? I want to and we should. Let's get to it. This is your number 11. Number one. One. All right. Clip number 11. All right. Clip number 11. Sit down. Sit down, shut up, and be played.

Clip number 11. This is from episode number... 500 and... 89! 589 from March 4th. 589 episodes. This is the one. It's the one that's called episode 589. This is an episode called...

Werewolf with all. Scary. Werewolf with all. This is scary. This is a frightening episode. This should be. The title alone is giving me the chills of the grave. Joe chills. I'm going to drink your blood. I'm going to drink your blood. I'm going to marry your mama. Ocean's 11.

Second Ocean's Eleven reference since we've been going. In as many episodes. Second Cesar Romero reference as well. This is an episode called. You played the Joker in Batman. He did. Do you think, what if Adam West drank his blood? Drank Cesar Romero's blood. In heaven.

Now that they're both dead. Finally, I can drink your blood. What if you got up to heaven and you were like, look, I want to do this on earth, but finally I can drink your blood. There's no rules here. You can do whatever you want. Heaven's great. It's the opposite of hell. Let me drink your fucking blood. Well, it's just anarchy up there. There have to be rules in heaven. That's my heaven. There's got to be like some sort of, I mean, there's a caste system, certainly. What if do what thou wilt is the whole of the law? So just anyone's doing anything.

That's right, man. I don't know. Heaven sounds boring, doesn't it? Like, I like here. It's like you go to bed and you wake up and you do a bunch of stuff and then you go to bed again. It's like, you know. I wish you'd said this before I wasted all my money on indulgences for you. Oh, no. I went to Pope Francis and I said, I want to buy my friend Scott's way into heaven. You did? You went all the way to Vatican City? Yes. Take me down there. Down to a Vatican City where the popes are green and the popes are pretty. Yeah.

What about the two popes? What about the two popes? Hey, look at these two popes over here. The movie. Hey, these popes are fun. Is that's why it's called the two popes, the movie. I saw a poster for it where one of the quotes from a review was an undeniable triumph. Wow. What a weird thing to say. Like if anyone denies me like Peter denied our Lord. Yeah.

Talk about undeniable. Our Lord. Our Lord wasn't even undeniable. Those guys knew it too. Because Peter did it. They're like, pretty sure that it was you that was with Jesus. And he's like, oh. To ask someone three times, you're basically like calling bullshit on him. Yeah. Like they knew the first time. I'm going to ask you one more time. And give me a fucking straight answer here. Do you know this guy Jesus? I don't know him.

I only want to know what you have done.

I went into Gethsemane. He went into the proper thing. I've been in that show. I did probably 60 performances of that show. What did you play again? I played Annas both times. I was in two different productions, one in 1989, one in 1991. Which one, Annas's? Annas is one of the priests. Caiaphas's right-hand man. What do we do about the Jesus of Nazareth? How do we handle the carpenter king?

Great voices. Yeah. What's that? Great voices. Great voices. Good oldies. The two of us? Yes. Or them. No, I meant us. I meant us. I meant us imitating them. Okay. So this is Werewolf With All. And the two performers other than myself who are on this episode are Patton Oswalt and Andy Daly. There we go.

Heavy hitters. Heavy hitters. Now, Patton Oswalt comes by the show. He's been on the show many times. He comes by the show honest. He comes by the show honest. I believe the first pairing of these two people was early on. I can't recall what episode it was, but Patton and Andy like to do it together a lot. Ooh. Ooh la la. Sex. Sex.

So they've been doing it for 10 years at this point together and ooh la la sex. And on this episode, Patton came by to promote AP Bio and it did not work because it got canceled. But it got picked up by somebody else. It got picked up again. Yes. So, you know, stars out there, come on the show and your show can get canceled. Great show, by the way. I really enjoy AP Bio. It's a great show. Great cast.

Great cast, great writer, creator who's been on the show. Mike O'Brien has been on this show several times and a lot of good people over there. So Pat – Not good enough to put us on the show. No, certainly not. Could be that good. I mean I know I'm offer only, but how about one of those offers?

So Patton is himself and Andy Daly is playing one of his oldest characters who's been on the show many times, Dalton Wilcox, Poet Laureate of the West. Yeah. And the one thing that you have to know about this episode is previously Patton and I got into some sort of a discussion regarding the movie series King Kong.

And all I remember from it is that we were discussing whether King Kong had done anything wrong. Whether or not he can be blamed. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. That's all I remember. But it comes up in this clip. So let's hear it. This is your episode number 11. Number one. One. He is an author, primarily a poet.

Please welcome back to the show. Oh, this is Dalton Wilcox. Welcome back. How's it going? Hello, gentlemen. Hello. How are you? It's great to be here. Hi. So nice to see you again. Yeah, well, for sure it is. I can't remember. Patton, have you ever met Dalton?

I think I did. I was on a show with him a long time ago. It was fascinating. Right, okay. Yep, well, I'm excited to be here, and there's a hell of a lot going on with me. A hell of a lot going on to tell you guys all about. No, I mean, well, I'm anxious about it because I have a lot of stories. But they were just telling me outside, you guys were having a conversation regarding the subject of whether that King Kong had done anything wrong. Oh, that's right. Now, for those of you who have not heard Dalton Wilcox, he is a poet. He is a cowboy. Cowboy. He is the cowboy poet of the...

You're underselling my qualifications. Oh, sorry. Flamingly and insultingly. I beg your pardon. Well, I'm just merely working off of memory. Do you want to... Keep begging my pardon. I'll see if I give it to you. Yeah.

I am the Poet Laureate of the West. I have been referred to as that by myself. By yourself, yes. And sometimes others. But when they do it, it's usually he calls himself the Poet Laureate of the West. I've heard it in a context like that from time to time, or other things like he considers himself to be Poet Laureate of the West. No one is ever saying, in my opinion, he is. Has anyone offered that opinion yet? Has anyone offered the opinion that I am the Poet Laureate of the West? Yes.

I've certainly heard the opinion that I believe I am. Oh, okay. And that is a commonly expressed opinion. I am the most celebrated collector and chronicler of the wit and wisdom of the West that the world has ever seen. And that's a fact. And you can look that up in the world book. The world book. That's right there in the world book.

I am also the author of... Is that encyclopedias? Maybe I've missed that world book. You don't know the world book? Maybe not. It's got everything in it. Everything in the world. Well, they wouldn't call it the world book. Well, let's put it in the world book. Are you talking about the internet? Yeah, well, they did put it on a computer. Is that what you're asking? Okay, I don't know what I'm asking at this point. Because the world book is on the computer. That's true. All right. It's on all of them. CD-ROMs? You can get it on any kind of a ROM.

And anyway, I have written, you know, I'm the author of the book, You Must Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse, and other poems and observations, humorous and otherwise, from a life on the range, as well as the follow-up book, You Still Have to Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse, and even more poems and additional observations, humorous and otherwise, from a life still being lived on the range by Dalton Wilcox, who wrote the first book.

Who also wrote the first book, excuse me. But then it says by Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox. After the Dalton Wilcox. That's correct. By Dalton Wilcox, who also wrote the last book by Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox, okay. Yeah, I don't know why you care. So of course we know these things about you. Yep, yeah, and those books are available for pre-order on Amazon. Hang on, pre-orders? They haven't come out yet? I don't know what it means, but they're available for pre-order at B. Dalton's and at Amazon Books.

All right. Yeah, I thought these copies had come out already. Well, they've been out a long time. Oh, okay. More like a post-order. Well, as far as I'm concerned, you could still pre-order because you haven't gotten it yet.

Do you understand me? Okay, you're right. He has a point. Free delivery order. Technically, that's free order. Yep. Yeah. And then, of course, you got to order it, too. These are poems that you wrote about, about your life on your trusty steed traveling across the American West. They're not all about me on my horse, but they mostly primarily do take place in the American West, the real West, goddammit.

Not this bullshit West that we're in now, this goddamn Hollywood West. This is bullshit West. And one thing that I wanted to mention, and this ties into what you wanted to bring up, is that a lot of your poems have to do with you encountering people along your various travels. Not people, my friend. I wish I was encountering people. Yes. Well, in my eyes, or at least at first glance, they appear to be people. And to you, you find them to be monsters such as vampires, dragons.

Wolfman. I can't recall if you've ever wandered into meeting a Frankenstein. Certainly I have. Really? Absolutely. One of my most famous poems. Made up of various body parts? One of my most famous poems is titled, I One Time Killed a Frankenstein. Really? And I've encountered numerous Frankensteins. This, gentlemen, is an unfortunate condition of my life that I am plagued by vampires and

And also mummies and oftentimes werewolves. And they tend to congregate in the western part of the United States. Well, I reckon they're probably all over the place because I happen to be in the west is where I find them. I'm very, very, very vigilant about monsters. I always have my eye out for it. As a matter of fact, I killed a cyclops today. I killed a cyclops earlier today. Really? Here in Hollywood? Here in Hollywood. What were the circumstances regarding this? Well, what do you mean? It was a cyclops, so it's the kind of circumstance you'd expect. So did –

Did the Cyclops come up to you? Did the Cyclops approach you at all? Well, I had called him. Here's what it is. Wait. Yeah. I got a flat tire on my truck. Okay. All right. I don't know if you guys know anything about trucks, but it's just like- They usually run on four wheels. Well, it's just like a car. I was going to say just like a car, except it's larger. You can keep things in there. That's a truck. And we have them out in the real West.

And anyways, I was driving my truck, and I got a flat tire. And that'll happen because it's, I don't know, I don't even know if you gentlemen know anything about cars. Well, the tires tend to be inflated to a certain level. That's right. They're full of air. That's right. I'm surprised you know that. They're made of rubber, these tires. Yeah, sometimes, yeah. And from time to time, they'll go flat on you.

And I called up a tow truck guy to come out. You don't have to explain those, by the way. I know that you were about to, but we know all about those tow trucks. You know what a tow truck is? We do. They also work with automobiles. Patton and I are locked in on that. Well, all right. You're surprising me with your breadth of knowledge. Anyway, guy comes out, and I didn't even think anything of it at first, but he's got an iPad, John. I didn't even think one thing of it.

And he starts changing my tire, and he did it. He put it up on the jack and all that stuff, and he changed my tire. And then I said to him, well, thank you, friend. Have a good day. He tells me he wants $50.

It's surprisingly cheap for a tow truck. Yeah, that's a deal. $50 is cheap to you gentlemen to charge a goddamn truck? Are you a AAA member? You don't understand. I had the spare tire on the truck. He's not providing the tire. He's literally just providing the labor. Why didn't you do it yourself then if you already had it? If you're this cowboy, don't you know how to change a tire? Listen, gentlemen, if it was a horse, I'd know how to change his shoes.

Right. But I'm not going to mess around with this goddamn by the side of the road here in Hollywood with all you crazy drivers. So you needed someone's help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't know how to change a tire. Goddammit, I know how to do it. I sure as hell don't. You don't want to be bothered. Not only do I know how to do it, but I stood over that son of a bitch's shoulder and I told him again and again how he's doing it wrong. Oh.

And he was. Just for that, I would want $50. Yeah, exactly. In a number of ways. Doing it too slow and sloppy. How long was he there? He was there, well, it took him like 15 minutes, I'd say. Anyhow, $50 he wanted. I told him, I'll give you five. Well,

Did you mean give him five like, you know? Well, that's what I was going to do. If he had agreed to the $5, I would have slapped him five and sent him on his way. But he didn't agree to it. I thought for sure he was going to say, all right, that's fair. And I'd say, put out your hand. I just gave you five. Deal's a deal. Yeah, but it didn't work. And that son of a bitch got real hot under the collar. He starts getting mad. And that's when I realized, God damn it, Dalton, why didn't you say it? Son of a bitch has one eye. This is a goddamn Cyclops.

The Cyclops. And how did you take care of the Cyclops? Well, I was concerned because there's no time to waste. Once you've gotten into an altercation of any kind with a Cyclops, it's just a matter of time before he smash a rock over your head.

That's a Cyclops. They don't have extraordinary strength. Yeah, sure they do. They do. Goddamn Cyclops has built the pyramids. You don't know one thing about Cyclops. Well, all I know is they have one eye and maybe they're taller than other humans? They built the Acropolis of Cyclops. Well, hang on. I'm sorry. He had an eye patch?

Oh, yeah. So he had two... A Cyclops just has the one eye in the forehead. Uh-huh, right. So it sounds like this guy had two eyes. Did this Cyclops mention having just taken a trip to the optometrist at all? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, he said something about coming to an eye doctor, but... Yeah, I think that's what I mean, his optometrist. He said, excuse me, I'm just coming to an eye doctor. And I just thought, I don't have time for small talk. Change my title. You didn't have time? I had no time for small talk.

Anyway, you're positing that there was an eye under that patch? What I'm saying is he would have just started with one eye and that's it. Right. And this guy sounds like he started with two. Do you think if someone loses an eye, they turn into a cyclops? I don't think that. I'm not a fucking idiot.

But the extent of your ignorance about Cyclops is... Well, he's being extremely ignorant about Cyclops. I apologize for Patton. Patton, I'm going to have to ask you to tone it down a little bit. No, I understand, but yeah. If you was a Cyclops and you didn't want people to know you was, I think a real good strategy would be to put an eye patch over the blank place on your head where an eye might plausibly be.

I understand where a second eye might plausibly be. It makes sense. I'm saying if I was to lift up that eye patch, there wouldn't be a goddamn eye under there. Did you lift up that eye patch? Well, now, here's the story.

I could see that son of a bitch scanning around for a rock to smash over my head. And I said, I don't have time to waste. You were okay with the rock being smashed over your head. You just didn't have time for it. I don't have time to recover from a rock being smashed on my head. Take me an hour, an hour and a half at least.

Anyways, I pulled my six guns and I fired a silver bullet right into his heart. Wow. Dropped that Cyclops down. And then I'm about getting ready to get out of there, right? Sure. Time to go. But I did think, well, let me just confirm my suspicions.

And I lifted up his eye patch, and that son of a bitch had gone to the extent of carving a hole in his goddamn hand and putting in there a fucked-up-looking eye. And I thought to myself, this son of a bitch, he's under deep cover as a human. Wow. Going the extra mile. Going the extra goddamn mile. Wow.

Incredible. Where was this? Was this over like on Sunset and like over across the street over here? Because I heard a news story about someone with a gun. Oh, did you? Right. Well, you know where I was. I was down at Gower Gulch. Oh, of course. You're always at Gower Gulch. I spend my time whenever I come to this godforsaken city. Nice karaoke over there. It's the only place where I feel at home is Gower Gulch. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I would imagine why. The Denny's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the Denny's. Lots of good folks over there at the Denny's. What do we got? The Denny's? The Thrifty's? Well, since they closed the Pioneer Chicken on Pico, there's really no – that's the last place. You got that right. Yep. You can see Morton Downey Jr.'s autograph in the sidewalk. Ha ha.

You know, it's really weird how Dalton's here. I just rewatched The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. You must have loved that. I cared for it, yep. You did? You liked that? There were no monsters in that, as I recall. So is that factually inaccurate, or is that kind of how the West was? Well, no, that was, yeah. I mean, chances are. Essentially, you say there was no monsters in that movie. You believe there were? I believe there were. Where were? I don't remember them. You have to know to look for them.

The fella at the bank was a Tin Man. A Tin Man? What? Is that a type of monster? That's a type of monster. Is that from Wizard of Oz? The Tin Man was a monster? Yeah, the Tin Man was a goddamn monster. I just thought he sang and wanted to be in love. Well, this is a goddamn problem all the time with the movies. Gets us back to King Kong.

They are always constantly depicting monsters in movies of various favorable lights and glamorizing the monster lifestyle. That's a prime example. I guess the scarecrow would be terrifying if you actually met him. Try to imagine it for a moment. You're walking down a brick road of any color. It doesn't have to be yellow, but in your imagination you could make it that.

and all of a sudden a goddamn man hops off of a pole and he's full of straw, that's a goddamn monster. I wouldn't tell him, come with me, I'm going to the green city. I'd fucking burn him alive. Wizard of Oz would be very different were you to star in it. Although I would like to see that movie. I would love it if you landed in Munchkin Lake because how would you...

Wow, your journey to Oz would be amazing. Yeah, first of all, the munchkins. Yeah, all... Just them. You take out your six shooters. You just have to wipe out that whole village, right? Yeah. Just genocide of the munchkin people. Yeah, I wouldn't have wasted so much time getting around to killing that witch, neither. You seem very concerned about wasting time lately. Yeah. Since your last appearance. Is something going on, or... I'm very...

I'm real busy. I've been busy these days. I've been real busy. So, no, but it's more like you don't want to get monsters to jump. Once you know there's a wicked witch hanging around, you know, you don't have, don't goof around. Who cares who's on whose side? Let's just kill them all and let God sort them out. Precisely. Once that wicked witch shows up, starts talking about my dog, I'm going to kill him. Do you have a dog? Do you have any pets? No, I don't have a dog because the chances of a dog, you know, morphing into a

a vampire are strong. Right, or merging with some sort of satanic spirit and... Yeah, unfortunately, it just happens. I mean, it doesn't happen every time, but one in ten. But what's the safest pet to own then? What's the pet that's least likely to turn into a monster then? To be honest with you, there is no... You cannot get rid of the risk that a...

A pet is going to shapeshift into a monster of any kind. You might think, because I had a collection of butterflies at one time, and they all turned into monsters. I just had to tear off their wings one night.

You ever think this has gotten me, this has led me to start thinking about Cujo, the satanic dog. Do you ever think that your truck might be a monster like Christine? You know, it's got a flat tire. I think about it all the time. And that's why I leave it locked up every night in a vault. A truck in a vault. Okay.

I keep my truck in a truck-sized vault, which I had to make special. Is this like the Deal or No Deal vault? That the banker sits atop? I'm not familiar. Is that Howie Mandel? He's not the banker. No, no. Howie Mandel is not the banker. No, no, no. Do we know who the banker is? What a twist that would be if suddenly the very last episode of Deal or No Deal. He's been the banker all along. Wait a minute. Son of a bitch. That would be terrifying. Yep. Let's get back to King Kong. What did you want to say about King Kong? He stole a goddamn woman!

What do you mean he didn't do anything wrong? Son of a bitch stole a goddamn woman for whatever eight purposes he had in mind for her, which, by the way, we never did know. And I'm fine with that. Kill him before we find out what he wants with this woman. You seem to have a sliding scale of morality, I would say. What do you mean by that? You're stealing the lives of various things. Monsters! I'm killing them! Making the world safe by slaying monsters. To him, this tiny woman could be a monster.

You're telling me, boy, you're taking the monster side in this one. Sure, maybe monsters do regard us as monsters, but it's our job to know we're not, and they are. Okay, I'm not a monster. I know you're looking at me with a side eye right now. Oh, man. Very suspiciously. You know I'm not a monster. You've been on this show several times. Yeah. I think, you know, I have. I've met you a number of times. If you're a monster, your attack is slow. Yeah.

The slowest. I mean, you've been on this show now for 10 years almost. Playing a very long game. Playing a long game, which I wouldn't put past the monster. Trying to lure you into a false sense of complacency, perhaps. Yep. But no, that's not me. I'm merely a human being. Have been ever since the day I came out of my, you know how babies are born, mother's

vagina? Well, it doesn't always go that way, but I understand. Oh, yeah. I mean the stomach. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. Well, just to be safe and no offense, I am going to bury a stake of wood in your heart. Please don't. Not at the end of the wait till the end of the show at the very least. Of course I will. I'll wait till the end. Number one. Oh, number 11. How did you do it? EO11. Third Ocean's 11 reference.

Paul and I saw that movie together. Yes, we did. The original. Which is why we keep referencing it. The original. It's a strange movie. It is a boring movie. It is two- It's very boring. Plus hours. Yeah. And it's unlike the- These are- The Ocean's Eleven series that Steve-

Steve. He did a good job of those. Those are all exciting for the most part. And the original Ocean's Eleven is boring. Yeah, it's boring. It's a bunch of rich people hanging out together and barely trying. But there's no fun to be had in any of the heists. And they take a long time and they do them. They don't do them simultaneously. They do them one at a time. It's also the key part of the heist is based on the flimsiest idea of –

There being a standard of how long it takes to sing the song Auld Lang Syne. I don't recall that, really. Yes. So, Auld Lang Syne takes eight minutes and 23 seconds. Somebody asks, one of the characters says, how long does it take to sing the song? And then has an answer that it takes like one minute, 40 seconds.

Oh, one minute and 40 seconds to sing Auld Lang Syne. In one minute and 40 seconds, they can do these parts of the heist. That is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. But check it out. Imagine if you were singing Happy Birthday, and you're like, we got to hurry. We only have this amount of time to sing it in.

It doesn't make any sense. But Cesar Romero is very funny in it and at a certain point says, I'm going to marry your mama and then snaps while extending his fingers. Yes. Which we all instantly tried to do. Tried to do after the show and I've been trying to do it for 20 some odd years now. It's very hard to do. How about if our old friend Dallas Raines incorporated that? I wish. Dallas, we know you're listening because you've been changing it up just for us.

There's no other excuse. There's no other explanation for why he's changing up. Maybe some people have snitch tagged us talking to him or something. Don't snitch tag guys. No, snitch tags get stitch tags. Yeah. All right. That was episode 11. We got to go to a break. When we come back, we are cracking the top 10. This is exciting. We're going to see the TT. Oh my gosh. Here we go. We'll be right back with more coffee after this. Here we go.

Here we go to a commercial. How fun is this? For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard, so is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois.

You know what? No matter where you are or who you are or when you are or how you are, all of the reporters' questions, you can feel like you are living the coastal California lifestyle with Viore Performance Apparel. Everything that Viore makes is designed to work out in, but you know what? It doesn't.

look or feel like it. That means their clothes are so comfortable, you're gonna wanna wear them all the time. And you can feel good about it too, because Viore offsets 100%

of their carbon footprint. You don't want to miss out on Viore's signature Dream Knit material that will surround yourself with softness. I love Viore. I got some shorts there. They're a fresh take on athleisure. They've become a real staple in my wardrobe. They're made from premium performance stretch fabrics designed to keep you moving with less bulk around your ankles, equal parts style and comfort.

Viore is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners, they're offering 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at viore.com slash bangbang. That is V-U-O-R-I dot com slash bangbang. Not only are you going to receive 20% off your first purchase, but you will enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 annually.

And free returns. Thanks, Fiore! Are you catching the big game?

Or making big mods? Going on that first date? Or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show? Or watching install videos? Well, when you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has you covered with over 122 million parts to fit your number one ride or die. Brake kits, turbo chargers, LED headlights, exhaust kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines.

Whether you're into speed, power, or style, eBay Motors has all the parts you need for the ride you love. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

I eat food. Yeah, I admit it. I don't go a day without eating some food. I usually throw a little water in there as well, drink that stuff. But, you know, maybe you never skip leg day. You know, there's stuff that's important to us. Well, you probably shouldn't skip therapy day either. When your schedule's packed...

You have kids' activities, big work projects. You know, it's easy to let those priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's still hard to make the time to actually do that stuff, right? But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out this brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bangbang today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bangbang.

High Five Casino lets you play your favorite slot and table games with the chance to redeem for real cash prizes. High Five Casino has a giant selection of over 1,200 games. It's always free to play, and free coins are given out every four hours. Ready to have your own High Five moment? Visit HighFiveCasino.com. That's High, the number five, Casino.com. No purchase necessary. Voidware prohibited by law must be 20.

21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome back. Comedy Bang Bang. Best ofs. Welcome back. Best ofs. Scott, can I introduce you to a game? Sure. By the way, you took out the snowman over here. Yes. I thought you were going to introduce... I thought you were saying, can I introduce you to a friend of mine? Well, in a way. The office is decorated for the holidays. With care.

Well, they hung the stockings with care. The stockings were hung with care. Everything else was just like in a pile. Yeah. It's just a pile of Christmas decorations. We discovered this while recording the Neighborhood Listen. This snowman toy. New episodes coming out in 2020, I hope. That's correct. That's right. Well, season two in 2020. Great. You press this little snow hand.

And then he sings, let it snow, and he swivels. He turns around. Oh, okay. When he ends up looking at you. If he stops? Because he stops. Okay. So if he looks at me whilst in motion. I think he turns four times and then stops. I shall turn four times. I shall turn four. I tell thee this. But when he looks at you, it's very satisfying and weirdly validating. Okay. All right. So it's not a game. It's just something fun.

It could be a drinking game. It could be, yeah. We're not going to do that. We're adults. I mean, we brought some Boone's Farm. Yeah, but to sip. Sure, we're not going to be drinking. To savor the taste. All right, here we go. All right, here we go. All right. Oh. Oh. Oh. He's turning around in a circle. He's not looking at me. Oh, not looking at you. Nope. And now he's going to turn again. And now he's looking at Kevin. Wow. Wow.

And now, oh, he's turning again. He's going to get dizzy. Look at it, Ryan. Look at it, Ryan. Ryan waved. Ryan gave his Ryan wave. Last one, last one. Oh, nobody. Nobody. Nobody. He's not looking at nobody. Well, I will. We'll play again later. We'll play again later. I want to feel that feeling. You too. I want to feel that feeling. I'm not going to lie. I'm mad that he didn't look at me. I know. I'm furious.

I'm furious at you, too. I don't blame you. Where are we? Oh, yeah. We're doing the top ten. We're cracking the top ten. Cracking the top ten. Let's get to it. This is your episode ten. Number ten. All right. Episode ten. And... What can be said about this episode? Well, I'll tell you one thing. It is episode number 625. And it is very recent. It is from October 28. So it's out of that curious clump. Mm-hmm. But...

But just a couple months later. Just a couple months later. And this is an episode called Petite Modeling. Petite Modeling, which probably does not tell you what it should. I will say we've had conversations about the titles of the episodes over the years and –

My theory was that certain episodes were not being voted for because people could not tell what they were from the title and the performers. Yes. So this year I have been working with July, who does all of our descriptions, or at least most of them, and a great guy. And we've been trying to – July. Summer. Summer. Curious Clump? Curious Clump, yes. He played one of the Clumps. Yeah.

The most curious one. The most curious. He played Mama. You know, Hercules, Hercules. Hercules, Hercules. Hercules. We worked this year to try to make the titles a little more descriptive of what –

people would remember from the episodes. So for instance, the Chastman family, it probably, in the past we called, we titled the episodes based on something someone said, like a bit of dialogue or something. Fun, fun, which we did on Mr. Show. We did on Mr. Show. The episode titles would come from a line of dialogue. Yes, from a line of dialogue. But this, for instance, on the previous episode, Bean Dip and Randy Snuts Return, that's what I said. I believe the title originally was just, that's what I said.

because that's what Tim says over and over. But we adjusted it to say Bean Dip and Randy Snuts Returns so people would know what it was. Also, we put the descriptions on the poll this year, which was very helpful, I think. I bet it was. I bet it was.

So, but this one, Petite Modeling, when I say the title, at this point I'd stopped caring about it and was not adjusting the titles. But this one, it's called Petite Modeling, I believe, because of one of the guests, Claudia O'Doherty, who Claudia is a great comedian from Australia who is very fun. And she plays herself on the show, but she plays sort of a,

an alternate version of herself where every episode she comes on, she essentially, she started coming on comedy, bang, bang saying she'd won a contest to be on. And that's right. And the more you dig into it, the more you find it's just her mother trying to get her out of the house. It's trying to get her sending her to the U S ostensibly saying Claudia won a contest just to get her out of Australia. So she can be alone, which if that was happening in real life,

That's sad. That's a sad thing. But here on the show, it's funny. I can't account for it. Here's what I like about comedy is that regular – it's like it takes things that are sad, but then the thing that makes them funny is that they are so sad. Yeah. Here's my equation. Comedy equals tragedy. The end. Yes.

So on this episode, Claudia, previous to the clip you're going to hear, Claudia came on talking about how she was on a go-see, which is a modeling term. She came on here talking about this. And we talked about how she has become a petite model. Her mother got her into the petite modeling industry. This also has John Gabrus on the episode who plays intern Gino. Oh, he played Gino on this one? He played Gino on this one. Yeah.

And we're not really going to be hearing from John that much. A lot of whenever Gina was... That can't be true.

Whenever John is on the show playing Gino, usually we start with him as Gino and he tells a little bit about his life. We're not going to be hearing that in the clip because also Ben Rogers was on this show, a really funny guy, but he won't be in the clip because he's he introduced his character has not been introduced yet. I get it now. This episode was voted for, I believe, because of Will Hines.

Now, Will Hines has been on the show for two years now, three years. A great addition to the roster. So funny. One of my favorite people to do the show with. Always just a master improviser. Has literally written a book about improvising that you can read. Great, great guy as well, personally. And so fun to do the show with him. And I just wanted to highlight him because...

I think a lot of times he, I don't know what it is. His episodes aren't flashy maybe or something. He's just like so solid and funny in them that a lot of times we don't talk about him in the best ofs. But this episode certainly was voted for because of what he does in this episode. Now, what happens in this episode? No, hold on a second. Yeah. How do you know this? You never talked about this before.

But now all of a sudden, this year, you're saying, here's why I think people voted for this. I've talked about it a little bit before. I don't know about this. This is... Something's up with you. I...

I have been going to the Midwest, going to diners and talking to swing voters about why they voted for their episode. You're talking to real listeners? Yeah, real listeners. The real listeners in the heart of this great country. Yes. And you're like, when are you going to stop listening to the show? I'm like, I don't know. I just like it. I mean, yeah, it's not. Maybe the host doesn't act, you know, in a way that I think is all that great. And they don't know. They don't realize you're the host when you ask these questions. Yeah.

I find that weird when people say, I've been listening to the show for three years. I just saw a picture of you and you're not what I imagined you to be. Google is out there. Just look up a picture. Google is out there? If you were ever listening to a podcast, and maybe there are people like this. If you're ever listening to a podcast, wouldn't you look up a picture of the person you've been listening to? You know, I thought that too, but then I realized I don't always do that.

Yeah, I guess so. I don't always do that. Sometimes it takes me a while to look up the person. I mean, when I was a kid and you would listen to radio DJs, I would always imagine they were the coolest guys in the world. Like they'd be wearing like a leather jacket and sunglasses. Radio DJs, absolutely disappointing looking. You look them up, they're always these gross slobs. Other than Kevin and Bean, those guys here at the world's famous K-Rock here in Los Angeles, those are just like normal guys. Yeah, yeah. But usually, or Stryker.

But I had the same thing when I was a kid. Striker looks cool. Striker. He's a K-Rock DJ. He's like one of those kind of Orange County guys who actually is like a good looking guy, I think. Yeah. That's what I... Oh, and of course, Shadow Stevens. I prefer... Oh, Shadow. Very handsome. Father of actress from 21 Jump Street, I believe. All right. Amber Stevens, I believe. Okay. But I prefer it when they look...

When they are the slobs, though, because then you see like these good looking DJs and you're like. They're the snobs. Yeah, they're the snobs. It's got to be slobs versus snobs. I'd rather be with the slobs than the snobs. Exactly. I know that's going to surprise people because I dress like a snob.

But I'm a slob. At heart. At heart and in practice. Yeah. I'm disgusting. Why were we talking about DJs? Oh, and their voices. I don't know. I don't know. Because people don't know what you look like. Oh, people don't know what I look like. Yeah. Anyway. Will Hines is hilarious. Look me up. Will Hines is great. Here's what happened. He usually, I would say he comes on the show with an idea. Will definitely comes on with an idea every time. Yeah.

We played the Chastman family on our last episode where you guys had no more than the idea of you were a family. A family, yeah. And you were going to find it in the moment. And we almost did. Yeah.

Will comes on with an idea, but he is such a master improviser that he is willing to go wherever the idea takes him. Or wherever somebody else forces it. Someone forces it. So I remember a previous episode where he was talking about how he was, I think, a motorcyclist. And he casually threw out that he does it on land and sea. And we wondered why he did it on sea, which led him down a huge rabbit hole of going on cruise ships and riding a motorcycle around them.

And that became the primary focus of his episode. Something similar happens here right off the top of the episode, and we never got to his idea. Yeah.

So he can still use it another time. He came back as this character on the holiday episode last week, and I was talking to him, and he loves doing this character now because we never get to his actual thing. So he came on as a physical therapist, which we never got to. Ha ha ha!

So, and this is a very enjoyable clip. Let's hear it. This is your number 10. Number 10. Please welcome to the show, Stanley Chamberlain. Hello. So nice to be here. Thank you, Scott. Very nice to meet you. This is Claudia. Hi. She won a contest, but not a contest to be on the show. Oh, okay. As she has previously. Oh, here's some water. Oh, gosh. Thank you. This is Gino, our intern. Thank you. Wow, you're really doing it. Are you a medical doctor?

Yes, that's right. I'm a physical therapist. I'm fully trained. So you went to medical school? That's right. I went twice. You went twice? Yes. Meaning two days? You liked it so much? No, I went through it twice. I went through Johns Hopkins initially and it was hard. So I went again through Southern Connecticut State University just to crush it.

Oh, okay. So wait, you went through it once and graduated, but then you wanted to do it and have a better time? Yep. I like doing things once I know what's coming. I'd like to ask a question. Then I will recognize that question and you can begin. And you know what's coming. Okay. Why is his name Johns? Oh, I think it was just more than one brother. Is it like Ruth's Chris? No, I think it was a plural. I think it's like Attorney's General. I think it was just more than one John whose last names were Hopkins. Okay.

So it's much like Whoppers Jr. where you pluralize the first word rather than... Hopkins is the modifier of the multiple Johns. Got it. Is that the most boring answer I could have given to that question? Did it come up in your classes? Is that something? Every year at the initiation, they would go over the naming scheme and what Johns Hopkins meant. They would correct people if they said Johns were... Talk us through this medical school initiation.

It was initiation? That sounds intense. It sounds like orientation by a little. No, it's not an orientation. It's an initiation. They bring you below ground. Aha, scary. Blindfold you. They blindfold you. This is why I wanted to do it over at a different university. I get it.

They blindfold you and everyone's acting and you start to ask questions. You're like, what's this about? And they're like, shut up, shut up. Don't be dumb. Don't be dumb. There's a lot of pressure to not look dumb at Johns Hopkins. Oh, I bet. Yeah. And because it's an incredibly competitive medical school. Of course. Anyone who looks dumb. Yeah. Great lacrosse program, too. Of course. And so you go underground, you're blindfolded, you take all your clothes off, you feel yourself getting beaten by what you assume are oak leaves. You take off the clothes. They say, take off.

Take off your clothes! They don't strip you. No, you have to do it. You comply. You have to comply. Fully no underpants. You have to take your underpants off. Dongs out. Dongs out. And you're being beaten with, why do you assume they're oak leaves? To me, it felt like oak leaves. Oh, I thought you said oak leaves. Like the sunglasses? No, that's what I thought you said. What did you say? Oak leaves. Oh, oak leaves. Whenever there's two things that I could have said, whatever the most boring one is, the one that I said.

Oak leaves. Does that hurt? Yeah, do that. I mean, what would hurt more? Oak leaves, I feel like, would hurt more. They're hard plastic. Hard plastic. You get hit with those croquis, you know, those things that hold them on if you're jet skiing. Those things fucking hurt. Is that an elastic band? So you're down there and you don't know what's going on. You're 18, sorry, 21 years old and...

And you're terrified, and you don't want to look stupid. You're like, imposter syndrome is big. So off come the clothes. Off come the clothes. You don't want to not fit in. You'll assume that this will make sense. You would rather people look at your tiny, tiny penis than to seem stupid. Yes, which I do have. Oh, shoot, I forgot I have that on my name tag.

Tiny, tiny penis. I do. I'm so worried about the size of my penis that I just like to get it out there. Yeah. I wondered, you know, at the Arclight on their name tag is their favorite movie. I wonder why you add tiny, tiny penis under your name. Well, at Johns Hopkins, you have to have your favorite organ. Oh.

Much like our class. And yours is tiny, tiny penis? Yes, I like tiny, tiny penis. Did you have to describe it thusly? Well, I don't like large penises, nor do I like unremarkably sized ones. Oh, so this is your favorite organ on anyone. That's right. But you happen to have it. Which is how I know. Lucky. That's why you like it so much. There I am, underground. Setting the scene. It's an initiation ceremony. Wow, I'm hooked. So there I am.

I'm underground. There's a babbling brook somewhere. We're deep underground. I'm sorry. I just have one more question. Sure. Are your balls normal size? My balls are normal size. So that makes the... Normal size for a tiny, tiny penis. No, normal size for a regular penis, big relative to my tiny, tiny penis, which makes them look even smaller. Forced perspective. Okay, yeah. It's like part of the petite modeling. Yes. I understand that. It's sort of like I have a petite penis with regular size testicles.

So there I am. There's a babbling brook and- So we know we've walked very deep because it's like we're not just in a room or a basement. There's earth. So is it cold or hot? Cold. Okay, so you haven't gotten towards the center of the earth. We haven't gotten that far yet. Okay. But then- Did you ever get that far? Yeah, he says yet. We enter into an elevator and they bring us down several miles. Wow. We come out into- Now, I never saw this, but it felt like I was near something very warm, I assume magma. The core. The core.

The core could be. The core, center of Dios. Yeah. And still I'm worried about, you know, I'm like, I hear people asking questions. Are you hearing like a rustling of creatures that are down there with some sort of like underground language? There was a society of worker race. You knew it was a society.

Well, I can hear them exchanging protocols. Okay, so you knew there were laws and repercussions for breaking the laws? Yeah, I heard a trial. I heard a trial. One of the worker races must have somehow insulted another member of the worker race. Do you understand their language? They spoke sort of a broken English. Oh, okay. Insult me, insult me, you did. How convenient. And the other was like, stop!

No, unfair, unfair. Wow, okay. I was like, what's going on? Did they learn the language? Did they ever talk about this? Did they learn the language from the top of the earth? I'm assuming they either learned it from us or there's a common source that taught both of us. Okay, interesting. Jesus. Could be Jesus. Could be Jesus. Could be. I didn't rule him out.

They never mentioned Jesus? He did not come up. He didn't come up. I mean, I had the blindfold on. I didn't interact with the worker. You don't know. Did they have religion or was maybe down there by the center of the earth? Religion isn't even a thing. They did have religion. They did have religion. They're Presbyterian. Oh, they are? Isn't that interesting? That is interesting. Do they go door to door evangelizing? I just heard them talking about their, I happen to be a Presbyterian. Do they have doors?

I heard a door. Okay. You heard a door? I heard a door open. And an elevator door. This is your first day of medical school. First day of Johns Hopkins. You're 21. I got dropped off by my dad because I was too scared to go on my own when I was 21 years old. Your dad moved you into grad school? My dad moved me into grad school. So you didn't need to ride. That's cute. You could have driven yourself. I could have driven myself, but it was like, you know, he dropped me off at college. He helped you hang your posters and stuff? Yeah, I put up like my Reservoir Dogs poster and like...

What about your Farrah Fawcett? I put up my Farrah Fawcett, yeah, and I had a Jimmy Hendrix...

That's cool. But he's playing in a band with John Lennon and Buddy Holly. Do you have the poster of the little Vietnamese girl running from the carnage? Yeah, I have that too. That's a huge black and white photo. Do you have a Blacklight poster? Was that the Jimi Hendrix one? Yeah, and I also had a Kiss Army. Oh, okay. I had two Blacklight posters. With the Spirit of 76 one where they're all dressed up like Confederate... This is, they're in Central Park and they're using their superpowers to save people. Oh, okay. Got it, got it. Anyway, there I am. But you're nowhere near there at this point. Nowhere near that. Like, that was...

Those are your touchstones. I'm away from my comfort zone. Your dad's gone. My dad is gone. Long gone. You're totally away from your home. Yes. Yes. Thank you for appreciating this. Wow. It was so disorient. Honestly, being naked was the least of my worries. Yeah. That was.

Because who knows? You may be left there. Are you part of this new society or old society? Do I have to join the worker race, however age it is? Does the worker race have clothes? They definitely had clothes because I heard them arguing about pleats.

Oh, that makes sense. That was part of the trial? I know they had khakis. No, that just came up. That was a side argument. They were like, you're going to wear that to be a lawyer? And he's like, I can wear what I want. I'm a lawyer. Okay. It's pleaded. That's out of fashion. He's like, shut up. I know what I'm doing. Were you passing by these arguments or these are just happening right next to you? They seem to be walking along beside me. Oh, okay. So this is some sort of like walk and talk. It's really hard to picture. I think you're doing a great job. I can really –

I keep imagining it's hot, but it's cold. I've been trying to... No, it's hot at this point. Now it's hot. It is hot. Okay, right. I'm trying to draw it, but I'm still stuck on your penis. This is all I have so far is this little tiny penis. Okay, well, that's pretty close. You've many attempts, I see. Yeah, the vein format works for you? There's too many veins. Now, what you've done is sort of the Thanksgiving thing where you've done the outline of your palm. Yes, because I'm going to choose one of these five depending on the size. I was assuming pinky. Pinky, yeah. And just add some apple-sized balls right there.

Oh, you got it. So what happens? Apple-sized balls, boots with the fur. She hit the flow. Shit, we're hitting that bolo, baby. Oh, yeah. This is a reference I don't know. So now what happens? What happens? You're naked. So there we are. So you get led into a chamber, and the doors thunders shut behind us, and they take off the blindfolds. Okay.

Around me are all the same people I entered with, the incoming class of Johns Hopkins. Okay. Has anyone dropped off at this point? I can't – it was roughly the same size. You don't know the other people, so you don't know. I'm not familiar with them. They look like most of us are there. I think in the future, if you're going to do a radio show or a podcast –

I would introduce myself as something besides a physical therapist. This is super interesting. This is not what I came here to talk about. Yeah, no, we'll get to what you wanted to talk about. I'm just saying, like, this is fucking wild. You should have a documentary made about you. This is incidental. This is a side story. I've tried to tell people this, and they're like, we don't care. Get back to physical therapy. We really care about it on this show. I've been wanting to talk about this for years. Okay, yeah, please. Spare us no detail. So there's the dean. Okay.

Okay. The dean of Johns Hopkins. Or the dean of the workers' union. No, the dean of the worker race. Worker race. I don't think they have deans. Okay. They have a provost sort of situation. Okay. So you didn't know what to call him. It's your first day. I don't know what his name is. And you still don't know. I still don't know because he's got to introduce himself. It might be Dean. It could be Dean. It could be Dean. It could be Dean Jesus. It's not eliminated. Yeah, we have no idea at this point. Haze-grown antlers. Uh-oh.

He has grown antlers. He hasn't put them on or fixed them? He's naked. Maybe there's some really intricate prosthetics or some sort of situation. It's a movie makeup? It looked real, and his face was beet red, and he was naked, and there was all kinds of insignias drawn on to him. Some sort of runes. Pentagram? Runes? Yeah, it might have been a pentagram. It was sort of like an illustrated man situation where he was just decked out.

Wow. Still had on his glasses. Oh, okay. That's one thing that you can never really go without. You can't get away with it. As scary as you are, if you have bad eyes, you have bad eyes. You got to be able to see. I'd like to see one of those movies like Halloween or something and Mike Myers is like wearing glasses. Because, you know, every serial killer in these movies has great eyesight. And they never go to the bathroom. In H2O, he gets LASIK. Oh.

It's like a big fuck that they shoot a laser at him thinking they're going to kill him. And then he's like, now I can see perfectly. And you're like, you talk. And he's like, I always have, bitch. He says bitch? That movie answered and created a lot of questions. The scariest one. Yeah, everyone's still pissed at Rob Zombie for that shit. I liked it. So now. He addresses us as the fallen. Yeah.

We're like, what? He can't meet us. We haven't done anything. From where have you fallen? You just arrived. From grace, from our humanity. You're in a prestigious medical program. Welcome the fallen. We're in some sort of cement room deep in the earth. Wow. Then he just starts going over academic prerequisites as if none of this has happened. He's like, you're going to need four credits of anatomy. You're going to need four credits of biology. That's it? That's it.

Well, they're hard. Credits to Johns Hopkins. Four credits of tough biology. Yeah, yeah. I mean, just one credit of Johns Hopkins biology is like six credits somewhere. Oh, I've been in National Community College for nine years, so I get it. Okay, yeah. If you're a fellow academic, then you understand. So you have a fairly comprehensive sense of biology then.

Yeah, we went way over biology than anatomy. So you know a lot about it. But it's the fundamentals. I know everything about it. Anything you can ask me, I'm ready to answer. What is the human body's largest organ? The skin. Okay, there you go. He knows it all. Sorry, boring to be right, but my ego took over. Boring to be correct on the trivia question. I understand. Yep, that's how I went. Where was I? You were, well, the credits. Oh, yeah, we're deep in a cement chamber. Deep in the earth.

Beneath the earth. And it's warm. Beneath the earth. Or yes, deep in the earth. And he's going over and then he's saying, if you want to change roommates, you can't. You have to go to this particular office. And it's all just very dry information. Do you even know who your roommates are at this point? No, we haven't been given a room. I mean, I went to my room, but I haven't met the guy. Nothing's been assigned. We don't know anything. Right. I don't know where that is. It's reasonable, though, that he'd tell you that. I guess that's the kind of information. Did he tell you where the cafeteria was? No. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Then he says, okay, and he goes over some other information and passes out some forms we have to fill out. We have to fill out a sexual harassment form. Did you have to fill it out right then and there, naked? Yes, naked, on my knees. I put the paper on my knees. And it all was about whether or not you wanted to be sexually harassed? Yes, you had to put in yes or no. Yeah, an option. Did he pass out? Which I said no.

Yeah, that's cool. See, I would have been fucked because I always just click accept, accept, accept, accept. So I would have been harassed. You would have been in deep trouble. Yeah, you would have been very harassed. Did he pass out pens? No. Did everyone bring them? How did you feel? I did see one of the worker races. One of the worker race came by with a knife, pricked our pinky fingers, and we had to drip-

drip blood onto the forms to answer it. Okay. So what are the worker race? Which is actually easier to do. What's that? What do the worker race look like? Rabbits. They look like rabbits. But they talk. Tall rabbits. What size tall rabbits? So like Tumnus looking things? No, Tumnus is more of a satyr, traditionally a half man, half goat. Okay, right, yeah. I believe a rabbit is, that's called Harvey or... Sure. Yeah. That's full rabbit. That's full rabbit. This is, yeah, they were like...

You never go full rabbit. Eddie, three and a half feet tall, walking. Instead of hopping, they were sort of comfortably walking on their hind legs. So they're walking on two legs, not on four. Two on, not on four. Bipedal, if you will. To walk on four legs would break the law. Is that right? Down there, yes. If you walked on four legs, you'd be jailed. Right. How'd you know that, Scott? Well, I've heard stories of this type of thing. What the hell, Scott?

I mean, I walk on two legs all the time, right? You were asking him questions as if you didn't know what he was talking about, and now you suddenly know. Well, I just, I would assume for a race like that to walk on four legs would be some sort of, it would be against the law. Sounds like maybe you've gone down there. I've never, I mean, I've not been down that far, certainly. I mean, this was miles. What's the furthest you've gone? I mean, it was, you know, I mean, maybe 50.

a few kilometers. Wait, you don't always walk on your two legs. One time I was at your house sitting in the living room and you came down the stairs upside down in a backbend. I did. That's unrelated. That's due to an exorcist type thing. Oh, okay. I knew it. Yeah, it's a totally different thing. Continue with your story. Well, then it gets weird. Then it gets weird. Yes, so after we get all this information and we're properly initiated, he's like, all right.

Now, as you know, you've entered into an extremely competitive program, and not all of you are going to complete and graduate. Did he do the look to your left, look to your right, one of you was good? I was waiting for that, and he didn't do it. Oh, that's a classic. I know. Did he do bottle of red, bottle of white? He did. He first sang all of scenes from an Italian restaurant. All of it? That's a seven-minute long song. Oh, shit. Thank God it's good. Yeah, that's true. And he was good singing it? He was great. Wow. Wow.

He actually didn't have such a strong voice as much as he committed. Okay. That's all you got. Which I feel like is all you want. Any backing track? It's pretty much the same for Billy. No, no backing track. It was acapella. That's a tough song to do, acapella. Especially the... Oh, he hummed all that. He hummed it. He hummed like the clarinet solo too. Was he...

different instruments? Can I just say that it's so interesting to me that there's follow-up questions on this part of the story on how he sang Seat Room at an Italian restaurant. I just know I know how I would do it. I've always wanted to say this part of the story, but I've never gone down this... There we are in front of a stag elemental. Sure. But okay, yes. What was your question? He did all the different instruments. He imitated the instruments. Not all of them, but he would do like the prominent ones like...

So that's the clarinet. But then when it goes, was he doing the piano or was he doing the horn section? Initially, he would do like, and he's like strutting around doing these lunges. He's strutting. He's into it. Wow. And it was a relief because things had been so alien and strange that to hear a familiar song was calming. Sure, yeah. And I was like, maybe this guy's not so bad.

Okay. Maybe this is going to be actually fine. Yeah. Okay. But then it got weird. Then it got weird. He said, you know you're entering a competitive program. And if you are of weak character, if you are of minimal talent, you will not be able to survive. You must fight your way back to the surface. Fight your way back to the surface? Handed each of us a machete. A machete. Fuck yeah. Whoa. This owns. And then he said-

And then he said, the elevator that returns to the surface is powered by these gems. And the gems will only work once. Okay. And there's only 10 of them. And there were 20 of you? About 60 of us. 60! Oh, God. So 50 did not make it out? That's right. Whoa! Incredible. And you're one of the 10. We...

Yeah. And then after you graduated, you were like, I should probably go to medical school. I'm going to go to another medical school again because I don't want it to be like this. Right. So I went to Southern Connecticut State University the second time. So did you take out five guys or did you eat it in the restaurant? Or Uber Eats.

I took out five guys. I ordered from five guys. They had a telephone service down there. Five guys delivered. Okay. We all talked to each other. It took a long time to murder that many people. Five delivery guys? Yes. Five guys delivered

They already had gems. I guess the five guys had their own gems. So they can go up and down all the time. They can just go up and down like crazy. They're delivering all the time. Well, we all were like, we're about to murder each other. Let's have a last meal. Oh, really? So you guys paused. We were like, let's be civil and have a last meal together. It was a gentleman's agreement of like, look, this is coming. Death is coming to five-sixths of us. Yes. So we ordered five guys and we all wrote letters to our loved ones that we agreed that whoever survived would deliver them. Did you keep that promise? Yes.

I did, and that's why I'm here today. What? Yes. Again, I would say put that in your bio when you come on. No, I still have to talk about physical therapy. Wait, to whom are you delivering this letter? One of us? Claudia. What? What? That's right. Wait, who died? I murdered.

A fellow contest winner. Oh, but not my family member. No. Oh, okay, fine. Well, they seemed real, they seemed very, you meant a lot to them. This person in their last moment of life wrote a letter to you and you don't know who they are? This guy's name was Chet. He said he won a contest with you some time ago. Oh.

His last name was, I'm trying to remember, Wellman? Chet Wellman? Yeah. Here's his letter. He said, you have to promise to get this to Claudia Doherty. Whoa. Okay. So I'm giving this to you. Can you read it out? My eyes hurt. Oh, I can see that your eyes look very sore. Yeah. Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet.

That's right. Acorn Chet. I don't know what that even means. Acorn Chet. I don't know what he's talking about. Do you know Chet, Wilman? I do. And you know what Acorn Chet is referring to? That's a private thing. Here in my last moments. It's actually kind of an aggressive thing for him to call me. Oh. Oh, it is? Wait, he called himself Acorn Chet. To reference that, it's kind of aggressive. Oh, okay. It's very Chet. He seemed very aggro. If it makes you feel any better, he was the first to go. So he's aggro, but he still, all of that was- He had like a lot of like chest, just like, oh.

I'm going to kill you guys. Oh, that was betraying a weakness inside. I'm going to kill you guys. Me, Chet. Me, Chet. And then you just slop. Yep, little tiny dick to me, slished him right off. Because my small dick, and everyone thought that I would be unmanly, but I was actually quite handy. Plus also, you got your equipment tight. You don't have any hangers for people to chop off. That's right. I'm not as vulnerable. Small dick is actually the highest form of evolution.

Yeah, because all the big dicks, they would get whacked with the machetes and then they're in tremendous pain. My dick! And then they're looking down. Oh no, my dick! And then they're distracted. Everyone's so concerned about losing their dick in the machete battle, but you, you have no concern. You're not even flopping around. You're not even risking anything except for them apple-sized balls. Yeah, those balls, I don't know. But that's full of testosterone. How many women got out? The women all survived. Okay, good. But they joined the worker race. Oh, okay.

They survived by bargaining their way to entering the worker race. That is typical chicks. Yeah, I know. I would imagine the worker race needs more to be more productive. They need more children, more offspring. They have to breed. Can they breed with human women if they're rabbits? That was the plan. I didn't stick around long enough to find out. So you never went down there again? No. How did they fight? I understand them not wanting to go back. Yeah, I get that. But could you?

finish this letter from Chet? Continue the letter because it looks lengthy. Yeah, it is. It is long. Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet. Now, this is an... Let's just talk for a second. This is an insane... Stop many times. This is an insane coincidence that you came on it... No, I knew she'd be here. Okay, okay. I didn't even

I didn't even know I would be here. Maybe your mother, this is why she sent you here today. It seems like it could be, do you know my, like, do you know my mom? Do you know my mother? Not well. To quote that wonderful children's book. Oh, I guess it's Are You My Mother? Are You My Mother? Yeah. Are You My Mother? I'm not your mother. That should be the sequel. Do You Know My Mother? What about the children? Yeah, they should go down in stakes. Are You My Mother? I get you're not my mother. And then the third one should be, have you heard of my mother?

Each one is more removed. Does anyone have a mother? Sorry. Okay. I want to, ah, you. The plot is really thickening. Yeah. I will say that. It truly is. As thick as the pages on this letter, because this is several pages. I keep thinking it's wrapping up. Which there are many. That's eight point Arial font. It's so much. It's very small. It's very small.

So Chet here is like, it's Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet. Acorn Chet. Here in my last moments, I find my thoughts traveling back to that day we spent together. Oh, God. Only one day. Yeah. Thank you. Get us some more water, Gino. Great. Yeah, you're going to need it because this is a long, long time. I wish this wasn't happening on a podcast. Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet. Acorn Chet. Okay, you don't have to go backwards. It's good for me, though, because I'm getting a lot. Because I keep missing the first couple. It refreshes the mind.

Here are my thoughts going back to that day we spent together when we won that contest to run that radio station. I guess you won a contest to run a radio station or something like that. Yes, we did. And you and I were co-DJs for two and a half hours. Co-DJ? Couldn't you just say they're both DJs? You don't need to split up the duties of a DJ. Scott, have some respect for the dead. Have some respect for the dead. A DJ team like Flipper and...

And the bird, you know? They don't call themselves co-DJs, do they? Well, since they had probably both met that day and won a contest. We were just like, sure, whatever. If you share a chair, it's co. Oh, okay. That's true. The conversation we had changed my life. And I never have felt as strongly connected to someone as I did to you that day. Oh. And the friendship I felt with you was reassuring to me that human empathy is possible. Oh.

And I've thought of you every day and longed only to meet you again. And now that I see that my life may be ending, I wanted you to know that it is you I'm thinking of. And then it's just the first chapter of Great Expectations. The whole first chapter. Yeah. Can I have that? I need a calendar. Yeah, what is it? Call me, no, that's Moby Dick. What is the first line of Great Expectations? It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. No, that's Tale of Two Cities. Yeah. Okay. Wait, Tale of Two Cities is the title of a real book?

Yeah, why? What did you think it was? Because I've been reading this magazine called Tale of Two Titties, and I didn't realize it was a poem. Yeah, it's a magazine. It's a periodical. I've been trying to get through it. It's dense. How is tale spelled? I don't know.

T-A-I-L. Right. Yeah. Let me see the letter. Okay, yeah, yeah. So it goes on, my father's family name being Perip and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip, so I called myself Pip and came to be called Pip, and it goes on. Okay, yeah, yeah. A lot of Pip. Wow. Well, it sounds like he was just stalling from getting macheted to death. Yeah.

And Claudia, it was like a copy of Great Expectations. Yeah, he was copying it down. He was copying it down. Pretending that it was a letter. I'm almost done. Give me one more second. I bet he didn't even really know Claudia all that well, and he was just like trying to stall. Well, yeah, we really only knew each other for that one afternoon. I'm glad to hear that because I murdered this man. I murdered this man. You killed one guy or several?

I shouldn't say. But go ahead, though. I killed seven people. Seven people. So someone else only killed three. That's right. Wow. Wow. Or one person killed. Did it change your personality afterwards? No. How do you know, though?

Well, yeah, I guess I don't know what I would have been. Yeah. Did you feel a change once you took the life from someone? I certainly was not – I wasn't – a certain fear left me. To see the light go out in someone's eyes and realize that their soul is no longer inhabiting this earth, that must prepare you for the medical profession. I think so. And when we took our Hippocratic Oath, they have a different version of Johns Hopkins, which is like –

Carry on the legacy of those you murdered by helping others. By helping others? That's what brings you here today. Wow. To give me that letter or to read it. Have you delivered the other six letters? Nope.

I'm keeping an eye out for them just to show up on podcasts. Okay. I've been going to open mics, hoping they get into comedy and just seeing if they start doing that. Okay, there are better ways to find these people than going on podcasts. Sort of been scanning the show listing page at UCB to see if any of them are on Herald Night. Okay, yeah. This is going to take you a while. Number 10. There we go. You know what it's got?

You promised that it was going to be very enjoyable, and you did not lie. I did not disappoint, and neither did Will Hines. Promises kept. That was great. I just love the idea that in the spur of the moment, after saying initiation rather than orientation, he was able to come up with all that detail. Yeah. It's really wonderful. So, Will, here's looking at you, kid. Oh!

Our tribute to Will Hines. It's a shame. It's a shame what happened to him. We can't do jokes like that anymore because they've come true. I know. But with the elderly. All right. Who's the youngest person we've killed by talking? I don't want to say. All right. Let's go to a break. When we come back, we're getting into single digits. Single digits. Single digits. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy Bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. Comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag. comedy bag

Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, that's the new theme song. Hey, is it? Nope. Too bad. So sad. I really got excited. You're taking away from me. Here we go. All right, let's play the snowman game. He's spinning around and he has landed on. Oh, so close. He's splitting the diff of Kevin and Paul. If someone walked in the door. If someone had walked in the door, that would have been amazing if like. Nobody. Like Lenny and Squiggy came in and said, hello. Hello.

I mean, the more people you have, the more exciting it is. No, just over your shoulder. Boulder holder. Come on, look at me, look at me, look at me. No, back of the door. Wow. All right, we'll get maybe on the last episode. He'll look at one of us. Well, this is this episode, not the last episode, so let's get to it. This is still part of this episode. Let's crack the single digits. This is your episode nine. Number nine. All right, this is...

episode number 592 from March 18th. This was... Not quite in the Curious Club. Just two weeks after the Werewolf With All episode. And this is an episode called The Pee-Newers. Oh.

Oh, I know all about this. Ah, the P. Newers. Yes, yes, yes. All right, let me set the scene a little bit. The participants involved are Langston Kerman. This was his first time on the show. Now, Langston's a great comedian and an actor. He was on Insecure. And I got to know him because we wrote on – did I get to know him on the Oscars? I feel like –

Or did I get to know him before? I don't fucking know. I don't remember, but we did work on the Oscars together. Fuck. And... Jesus Christ. God, now I'm forgetting. I'm sure we talk about it in this episode, so... Why does he think I know? I'm talking to myself, Paul. What do you think I'm doing, asshole? You're talking to yourself? Yes. Just now. Great. We should talk to each other. Why does Paul do this? Um...

But Langston's great. Langston's really funny, and I want to have him back more often because he – this is such a good episode. I was listening to this clip the other day, and he's a natural fit for Comedy Bang Bang, an inquisitive guy who asks all the right questions. Yes. Follow the money. We also have Ego Wodim. That's right. And Ego is –

She is currently an SNL cast member, featured cast member, and she's very funny. And she's been on the show for a couple of years now and actually toured around with us this summer as well. Yes, it was so much fun. It was hilarious. Hilarious and great to hang out with and very nice. And she, on a previous episode, last year, I believe, she came on as a character called

Entrepeneur. And we have a lot of entrepreneurs on this show. It's kind of a running joke because a lot of characters come in with a bad idea of a business. And she came in literally as a character called Entrepeneur who was pitching ideas that already existed. Yes. All of her inventions are basically things that she doesn't know the names of. Right. Right.

And I guess she doesn't know exist already. She doesn't, yeah, but that's, but we talk about it at the beginning of this clip. Yeah.

But on that previous episode, I believe it ended with us riffing around and joking that she had a brother called Appetizer Pinour because her name is Entree Pinour. And so we were like, okay, next time you come on, let's bring your brother. And she likes to work with, as previously mentioned, he was playing OJ on our last episode, Carl Tartt. Yes, they are good friends. They're good friends. And they've worked together a lot.

And so Carl was a natural fit to do this with her. And this was just pure fun. I enjoy doing episodes like this because from start to finish, I love talking to Langston. And then these guys are so hilarious and just like a fun hour and 15 minutes that never lags and is just so fun. And so we're going to hear –

A little bit first from Entree and then Appetizer comes in. Let's hear it. This is your number nine. Number nine. Entree, last time you were on the show, the ninth anniversary show, as I recall, you pitched a lot of businesses to us. I remember one of them was like a rectangular motorized –

Propulsion vehicle. Sure, sure. Several, two to even seven people could ride in one of them. Right, and there would be the oldest invention in the world, the wheel. Yes. That the caveman banged out with his bone. Right. There would be approximately four of those on. Right, on the underbelly. Yeah, and undercarriage, yeah. Undercarriage, underbelly. On the taint of the car. On the gooch meat of the car.

And then we all realized you were just pitching car. And in fact, you called it a car just now. So you know what a car is. I've never heard of it. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. I don't have a name for it just yet. I've heard. You've called it a car. Yeah.

I don't have a name for it just yet, but when I was describing it to some colleagues, they had used the word car, so I thought, that's not a bad name. It's short and sweet to the point. That's not a bad name. I can say most of those three-letter words are already taken. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, find any combination of three words. It usually means something already. It's true. Hat, box, car.

Bat. Bat. I mean, all these are... Can. They're all great words and they're things that we use all the time. They're taken. And they're all taken. They're all taken. So if you're out there trying to come up with a new invention, it's like, what do you got? Right, right, right.

I do want to talk to you about something I have also come up with because I'm interested in investing. So Langston, if you are interested in investing. I am an investor. Langston is so rich that he doesn't even know if he joined the WGA. It's meaningless to me. Yes. Those dues, who cares? Write a check, forget about it immediately. Disgusting. Listen, this is, now this, hear me out on this one. I'm always, we're all ears. We're all very excited. So,

with a cubicle type building. So a cube meaning equal on all sides, all eight sides? Or is it six sides? I guess it would be six sides. Six sides, a cubicle type. Six sides? Six sides. As the Fuji said. Yes, as the Fuji said three times. A cubicle type building where if you're not feeling well,

You can go. There will be people there who can assist you in regaining health, determine what it is that's wrong with you, and then give you the proper kind of treatment that you would need.

to be healthy again. Okay, I'm going to stop you really briefly. Now, hear me out. Oh, I'm not going to stop you. Okay, go ahead. Well, go on and stop me. White mansplained me. I'm not white mansplaining at all. I'm merely... I know the fans love when I talk about race. I'm just... I'm personsplaining. Okay, yeah, just two people talking. Let me personsplain to you that everything you've described other than the cubicle nature of the building...

which most buildings are not purely cubicle. Interesting. Sometimes they're more what you would call a three-dimensional rectangle. But it sounds to me as if you're describing a hospital. I was thinking that. What is that? I haven't heard of it. It's a building, normally not cubicle. Okay. I was thinking a rhombus. Okay. Could be a rhombus. A rhombus. How'd that look?

Thank you for asking. It's...

It's sort of like what you were describing, but at an angle. Okay. A little tilted. But I think the more important part is that it's almost identical to what you described of a space where people go to get health care. Right. Yeah, the shape of the building normally doesn't matter, although I would say the bottom usually has to be flat. Flat, yeah. Yeah, usually so. The thing I want to do certainly has a flat bottom. I would say it has a flat bottom. And that's not thick. No.

No, no, no. It's not thick. It's unfortunate. It's unfortunate. The bottom of what I'm doing is unfortunate. Most buildings, they have a bottom side, too, so you're not falling to the center of the earth. And the building is going to have a slim waist. Big boobs. Big titties up top. Big titties up top. Big boobies up top. Yeah.

going to be a thick building. Don't understand. It's going to have to contain a lot of people. Okay. Because people are falling ill left and right. Yeah, they are. Yeah. Tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me again. Try to tell me I'm wrong with that. You have found a market. Okay. Okay. But it is a market that is primarily going to these places called hospitals. I've never heard of that. You've never been to one.

How can I be to something I haven't heard of? Have you ever been sick before? Sure. And what happens? What do you do? What's your process? Well, first, I look myself in the mirror and I'm sick.

You look yourself in the mirror is the first step. I look myself in the mirror. You have a good laugh because laughter is the best medicine. Good answer. You understand? That's what I've been doing. And that's what they've been saying for ages. And I think, what if medicine was the best medicine? That's what I'm trying to say. But what I do when I fall ill is I look myself in the mirror and I say, is this really happening? Why me? Why me?

So you think that this may be like a simulation or something where it's not really happening and it's like the Matrix where suddenly someone's going to red pill you? By the way, I'd love to red pill you before we- Sure. What does it mean to red pill someone? Well, I-

It's taken on some poor connotations lately, but... Yeah, yeah. I actually didn't know. I was just yes-anding my way through this. Comedy bang bang more sexual than we expected. What is that? And we're going to red pill you by the end of the show. Is that what happens? You can look it up after the show, but... Okay, never heard of that. Never heard of... Oh, okay. Never heard of that. Don't let someone do it to you. Okay. But...

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Do you think it's like the Matrix where you have a different body somewhere else and it's not really happening? I've never seen the Matrix. Oh, really? I've never seen it. But I do wonder when I fall ill and I start to feel weak in the knees, I say to myself, is this real? Is it real? Is it real? How do you determine if it is or not?

Well, then I touch the mirror and I say, okay, we're here. We're here. We're dealing with this. You're touching something in your physical proximity to it might be a dream. Right, right. So maybe if the Matrix is a dream, maybe I thought I was in it, but I haven't seen it to say one way or the other. Matrix isn't really, I wouldn't call it a dream, Langston, right? No, it's.

It's more of a digital. A mental digital stimulation. Although when you say digital stimulation, that also has some connotations. God, you are feeling sexy today, Scott. I'm horny. Well, speaking of horny. It's 10 in the morning. I'm horny. Speaking of horny. Speaking of horn. Yes.

I have another invention. If y'all don't want to invest in the cube-like treatment center. Why is the cube part of it so integral to... Well, I'm learning new shapes now. You told me rectangle. You told me aroombas. Aroobas. Okay. Understood. Roomba is something that would clean up your hospital. Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, I... That she doesn't recognize as a name? I don't know what that is. You don't know what a Roomba is? What's your new invention? My new invention is for horny people. Okay. Horny men. It's like a balloon. You've cut your market in half immediately. You said horny people and then horny men. Well, because it's particular. Okay. It's like a balloon. Okay. You would put atop your little man to

To protect you from diseases so you don't have to go to the cube. So I'm also kind of undercutting my own business. Yeah. Like if you really wanted. And I think, by the way, what you're mentioning is a condom. What is that? That is a latex or if you're allergic to latex, perhaps. Lambskin. Lambskin protective covering for your little man. Okay. Or big man, depending on how horny you are.

And who you are, how thick you are. You know how he grows and changes shape depending on horny level. Yeah, you know, changes shape. Changes shape. Into a rhombus sometimes. A change of shape. Okay, so. And it protects your man and also protects the recipient of your lovemaking from any secretions that may come out of the body.

what I call the cyclops hole at the very, very tippy tip. You call a pussy a cyclops? Oh, no. Oh, you mean the head, the penis head. The penis head has a little ovular opening. Oh, the cyclops. I see. I've never seen a penis. You've never seen one? Never seen them. I've heard of them. Wait, but. These I've heard of. You already planned an invention despite not having seen it. I've heard.

heard of them though I have male friends I've heard of them and you're an older woman and you've had relationships with women than your whole life or you know I've had relationships with men oh but you just have never gone down yeah no I don't go downtown and they don't visit me there would you say which base which base have you visited home base home base and what do you consider to be home base

in a relationship with a man? A phone call. Where they call you or you call them? A phone... We've...

They call me. They call you. Okay, so you calling them is what? Third base? That's... As a lady, yes. Okay. As a lady, that's really putting myself... Yeah, that's third. Right, but them calling you back... If they call me back, that is a home run. That's a home run. That's what we call a home run, where I'm from. We mentioned him the last time you were on the show, that you had a brother. Right. And...

We don't know what he does or what his life is like, but I'm here to interview him. But you brought him. We asked you to bring him here. Okay. And it took... I had to get in touch with him. I had to... That's usually the first step in trying to relay any kind of information with anyone. Are you guys estranged? No, we are not estranged. Just...

Successful people don't have time for each other. I think that we all know that, right? That's the excuse that I give to all my friends. I'm successful. You're successful. I'm successful. Let's just end it here. Enough said. So I...

It took some work to get in touch with him. He has several assistants. He has several assistants coming up with a lot of... I don't want to paint him into a corner now. Sure, you don't want to tell us too much about his life. I've been there before, painted into a corner on the show. Oh, really? Yes. That's right. The last time you were on... Excuse me, not me, entrepreneur. I know a friend that was painted into a corner. Which friend was that? Dialect coach, Darlington Castle. Oh, yeah. That was a very unusual episode. Painted deep.

deep into a corner. Couldn't make sense of the shit. That was like, yes, and here's what you are. And, and, and, and, and, and how about this? So I won't paraphrase

I won't paint him into a corner, but he has several assistants, a lot of business ideas. We're not estranged, but again, successful people don't particularly have time. Sure. So you may not even know what he's been up to recently. I don't, but I know whatever it is, it's going to be good. Okay. Well, he's here to tell us everything about himself. We mentioned him on the last time you were on the show, and we begged you to bring him here, and he's here today. Please welcome to the show, appetizer P. Neuer. Thank you for having me.

It is not good. Things are not okay. Things are not okay? They are not okay. Wait a minute. I thought she's successful. You're successful? You thought that. But you thought wrong. You have so many assistants? And when he says thought wrong, he means T-H-O-T. You thought wrong, Scott. Is that a ho? Scotty Thotty. Scotty Thotty. You mind if I call you that?

I sweat. Scotty what? Foddy? Scotty Foddy. Sure. You mind if I say that to you, Scotty? If it makes you comfortable, sure. Go. Have a ball. Things are not good, Scott. Things are not good. Oh, Lord. You see. Appetizer P. Neuer. Appetizer P. Neuer. Yes, that's right.

My mother, manure. Oh, how I love manure. Manure. Manure. What field was she in? Manure. What field was manure in? Gardening. Gardening. Okay. She's sick, and Andre ain't came to see her. Oh, you guys are estranged. We are. No, I wouldn't say that. I'm busy. We're not estranged. I'm busy. Okay.

She didn't even know that Manua was sick. Manua's sick? Throwing up all over the place, and let me tell you, it smells. It smells bad. You didn't know. I heard. You heard about the smell. On our way here, he told me some... Oh, no. I've been taking care of Manua, and I had to move back home. I had to...

I had to quit all my jobs. I didn't mention to you that my brother, our appetizer here, before he found his true calling in life, he attempted to be a pastor. Oh, you did. Okay. So that's what you have a certain cadence. It's a Martin Luther King sort of vibe. I attempted to be a pastor, but I couldn't do it because I started worshiping the devil. Oh, well, that would get in the way.

How did you end up with the devil? It seems that people at Baptist churches don't like talking about the devil. Okay.

Yeah. But I tried to convert them. So you were actively trying to convert Christians into... Satanism. That's right, Scotty. That's right. I tried, I tried, and I tried. What was it about the devil for you that you liked so much? Boy, have you ever seen the devil in a pair of dungarees? Low-rise jeans? Old Navy bootcut low-rise jeans.

Number nine. Ah, yes. The P-Newers. Now, here's a little behind-the-scenes trivia for the gang. Okay. I came in to the studio. That's right. Towards the end of this episode. That's right. Paul F. Tompkins occasionally comes on as a character named... Classic Charles. Well, his name is Charles. His name is Charles, and somehow we...

Your first episode, I believe, we said that was just classic Jarls, and so we started a hashtag, classic Jarls. Did I do Jarls, or did I just watch a little bit? When you did Jarls the first time? No, no, no, for this episode. Oh, no, you just came in, I believe. You did Jarls, yeah. I did do Jarls? You did do Jarls, yeah, yeah. I don't remember doing Jarls, but I do remember this. That when it was time for plugs...

And you're going around the room. You ask Langston. You ask, you know, Entree. Do you have any plugs on Trepidori? Carl was on his phone and was not recognizing the name that he was being addressed by. This happens occasionally. Yes. I don't want to call out exactly who was on their phone during the show the most. It's Carl. Carl, and there's another person. I think I know who you mean, but...

Everyone is now... It gets to the point where everyone is yelling, hey, appetizer! And he's not recognizing it. He's just reading whatever those folks... He's not looking up! He's not even...

He's not even curious about what the commotion is. Yeah, he does not care what's going on mere inches from him. I never wanted it to end. It was amazing. Because every time you would think like, well, now he's, surely he knows everyone's yelling. Surely he knows we're all yelling at him. No, never. He never did. Yeah.

Really fun. All right. We're going to go to a break. When we come back, we are going to, I guess, continue with the countdown, but we're going to do, we're going to skip to number one, but this is number one of the live episodes. Oh, Scott, you gave me quite a start. You arose with such a clatter. I want to see what was the matter in window times. Window times. Where's window?

Uh, that's a, that's a reference from, I believe our farts and procreation episodes. I'll take your word for it. Uh, never heard him. Sure. I have all of them. Sure. All right. We'll go to a break. When we come back, we'll have your number one live episode. Comedy bang, bang. We are back with part two of the best ofs. Uh, I'm back. I'm I am too. Paul of Tompkins is here as well. I'm also back with these.

And this is exciting. This year we did a few – we went on tour and we called it our 10th anniversary tour. And Paul, do you think we're going to do some more dates come 2020 or are we done? Why would we? I don't –

Well, I'm trying to set them up, so I'm hoping that you will. Oh, oh. Yo. I wish we'd had this convo off my... We did. And you agree? Wish I had been sober. Ha, ha, ha.

Well, hopefully we are going to do a few more shows next year. Yeah, man. It's always fun. We have a good time together. We have a great time. And this year was no exception. And I thought, you know what? Most or all of those shows go up on Stitcher Premium where a fraction of our listeners are able to hear them. So I thought, why not –

Take a poll of those people who were able to hear them so we can play a clip from the winner right here on air. Yes, let the rich people vote as well. Rattle your jewelry. So we put all of them up there. And, Paul, you were on most of them. I believe you did – you were not in the San Francisco show. I'm trying to think if there was any other ones. This year? Yeah, this year.

Clusterfest was the San Francisco show. Oh, yeah, I didn't do that. Because the name is an allusion to curse words. Yeah, you don't like that. I couldn't do it.

But other than that, I think you were in all of them. And Lauren, I think, was in all of them because she did Clusterfest. I should have looked up these stats. But yeah, but you and Lauren and I did almost all of them. And then we had a rotating group of people, of guest stars who would come in. We previously mentioned Carl. Tartt did some. Iga Wodum. We had Andy Daly on a few of them. Sean Diston came up to Portland or happened to be in Portland and came and did both shows up there. Yes.

Yes, Queen. And so if you had to guess, do you want to guess what hit number one? The San Francisco one that I wasn't a part of? Yeah. No. Of course not. That one was great, though. People should listen to that one. Do you know, it's hard for me to guess because they were all really fun shows. They were all really good. Yeah. Yeah. I sometimes feel those live shows are us at our best. Yeah. It's the pressure of the audience. It is. I wish there was an audience here other than just Kevin. Yeah.

Wildly gesticulating and waving. He has not relented. He must be exhausted. I don't, I feel like one of our family members has passed away or something. He's trying to get our attention. He's been like Kermit the frog in his arms and not the meme when he's drinking the tea. No, not the meme drinking the tea. Not the meme when he's drinking the tea. All right. Let me just reveal what has, uh, which cream has risen to the top. Uh,

This is your number one. Are you still using that witch cream? You'll never be a witch. I want to. They have such pretty noses. You're not a witch. You're me. All right. This is your number one live episode. Number one. All right. This is live from Chicago. Oh, sure. That toddlin' town. Yeah.

All right. So this. Huddling down. This one was Paul, yourself, Lauren, myself, Carl Tartt was there with us. And Jason Manzoukas happened to be touring with How Did This Get Made, his own podcast, at the very same theater the night previous. And I thought that was an amazing coincidence. And when I heard that, I reached out to him and said, do you want to stay an extra night? Yes.

And then the negotiations began of what it would take to get him to stay. Emotional negotiations. Exactly. Ooh la la. Emotigations? Emotigations! And so he very nicely agreed, stayed in Chicago another night and gave the audience a thrill. And this was such – this was a crazy show. Yes. This was a really nuts one. And this was the premiere of what we call the Dink Dink Man. And let me –

And it happens before this clip. And let me see if I can recall exactly what happened. I can't recall if you were on stage at the time, but we were talking about Jason was miming being in one of those walkers, the metal walkers that people use. Who need walkers use? Yes. Yeah.

And he was miming it and he was making a noise as he was doing it going, dink, dink, dink, as in the metal tapping upon the ground or something. And thus the Dink Dink Man was born. Do you remember anything about it? I think that I referenced it later. We do hear it in the clip, but that happened before this clip is we talked about the noise the walker made, dink, dink, dink.

And I think we then... Which is not a noise that Walker makes. That Walker makes, no. But then I think we called him the Dink Dink Man. Yes. That became a runner throughout the show. I think that it was also a reference somehow to John Wick because he played the TikTok man. The TikTok man. And so he's the Dink Dink Man now. Yeah. I don't know exactly what happened, but the Dink Dink Man became a runner where Jason basically played an insane ghoul who would pop up... Yes, like an urban legend. An urban legend. So we're going to hear...

A clip from, I wondered how this show would play in an audio medium because there was so much physical stuff happening. We were all acting out a ton of stuff. What happened was, what had happened was, we were playing bigger venues.

And the shows were longer because we weren't doing – We didn't take an opener this time. Yeah. So we wanted to do – give everyone a full show. And I think because of the length of time that we were out on stage, we started acting things out more. We said the show became much more physical. Right. Also because it's – those stools are uncomfortable to sit on for such a long time. Okay. I'm just saying. Okay.

And so we. And also the venues are big. So we felt we needed to get a little more physical and so that the back of the house could. But mainly the reason is because once we started doing it, it was so much fun to do that. We were. Every show. We looked for any excuse to act something out. Every show like, well, let's act it out.

So that happens in this clip. But this one was particularly ludicrous. This whole episode is crazy. We're just going to hear a 10 minute clip from it. But just a brief 10 minute clip. I mean, it is briefer than most of the other clips. True. Let's hear it. This is your number one live. Number one. Before we get to your new relationship, just to let everyone know who Big Sue is. You're an entrepreneur. You have a store, an emporium that sells carpets. Carpets, rugs down there.

It's got sopping wet carpets. They're all sopping wet because the toilets overflow. You've not been able to fix those. I haven't gotten them fixed because I keep shitting, Scott.

It seems to me if you were to take the step of... So you keep using the toilets. I use them. What? If you were to take the step of fixing it before, like in between... Why would I? Where am I going to go in between? Oh, she's got you there, Scott. I live in the store, Scott! Yeah, but you're not continuously shitting all day long. I'm not? Oh, okay.

He thinks he knows me. What if you got like a porta... That's a big presumption. What if you got a porta potty for the period of time that the toilet is being fixed? You want me to shit outside. You're an animal. I also have an invention I've been making out of my shit wet rugs.

An invention? So the toilets are overflowing with shit, so the rugs are soaked in shit, not the water from the toilet, but the shit from your butt that's been in the toilet. The water gets in there. I would assume the water as well. Thank you. Who's he? I'm Alimony Tony. You're very supportive. Well, I'm not performing right. I'm Alimony Tony. Alimony Tony. Giacchieroni. Giacchieroni. Oh, okay.

What's your invention? Well, my invention is this. So you know when you're shitting and your body is an L. Your what? Your body is an L. Why would you put your feet out like this? Your body is an L. So you're on the toilet. You're on the toilet. I'm usually like a lowercase h. I'm like a five. So we're all different. We're all leaning forward? What do you do? Let me think about it. I'm a five.

That's how I shit. I'm an L. I'm like this. He does the pretzel. So rich. That's how a rich guy shits. He has time to kill. I have an extremely comfortable toilet. And pennies fall out of your ass. Wow. You're rich. I love a rich man. I'm wealthy, yes. Well, it's nice. I do okay. Okay. But you, Sue, you're in an L. I'm in an L. I'm like this. But I always want to be like this.

So I'm making, I'm cutting all the carpets up to make a big stack around the toilet for you to put your legs on. You should just get a squatty potty. What?

A squatty potty does exactly that. It's a thing that raises your feet up like this while you're on the toilet to make your elimination cleaner. Does it put your feet up to your ears? It can, yeah. What? I got a little fuck my invention then. Plus, squatty potties are normally clean and don't have shit all over them.

And that's where my invention takes the left turn. Good business model. Thank you. No, I meant the, well... Oh, them? Do you sell a lot of rugs? That's the biggest issue. We're having a liquidation sale right now. That's pretty liquid already. They're not on sale, right? Everything must go! Please, God. Take the rugs. Take them. They're shag. They're wet. They're soggy. They weigh ten times more than you want them to.

Isn't that what they're proposing be replaced on the Statue of Liberty? Please take our rugs. They're wet, they're shagged. I thought you were picturing coating her in a rug. Well, yeah, because we've got to dress her up more. She's so drab. Big Sue, may I ask a question? The rugs, how are they displayed at your store if they're all tainted in this way? Are they just all laid out in the store? On top of one another, like the princess and the pea kind of situation? Have you been to a rug store before?

Yes. Okay. Out of curiosity, what was it like there? Normally, I walk in. Let me...

Do you want to act it out? Yeah, yeah. May I play the rug store proprietor? Oh, so you're me? Well, this is a different rug store. This is a different rug store. This is what I think a rug store is like. You can have a competing business next door. I've only ever had rugs delivered. This is the door to the rug store, right? Typical door. Jason, who are you going to be in this? I'm just letting you guys do this. Would you like to be an extra? Be like another customer browsing around? I'll be a utility player. Background artist. Can I be an extra? Well, certainly. Okay.

I'm in here already. Yes. Okay, I'm a customer or I work for you? Your dealer's choice. You're a customer. Thank you. I'm here behind the carpet counter. Okay. Oh, another day facing this dreary existence, working for a living. Do you have this in blue? Hey, pal, what can I help you? You looking for something?

I don't have any money. Hi, can I help? Hey, friend, can I help you with something? I'm fine. Excuse me, excuse me. I've told you a hundred times. I've told you a hundred times you're not supposed to be in here. Here, watch out. This guy's no good. What? I'm an honest merchant. You're no good? No, I am. Don't believe him. I don't know. Don't believe the dink, dink. Should I leave? No, no, no. Please stay. I might leave. No, please stay. That's just the dink, dink man. I heard that he...

He said you're a bad guy. No, no, no. He's a bad guy. He tortures children. Okay. Don't go out at night because the Dink Dink Man is out there. You just interrupted something terrifying. What? I can't go out at night. It's a legend around town. There's a spirit called the Dink Dink Man. Do you guys hear that? Shut up. He steals children from their beds and he tickles their feet with a feather. This is terrifying. It's not true. It can't be true. What does he do to the kids?

He mostly just says, don't worry about what I'm doing. Okay. So the adults he says, don't worry about it, so I really wouldn't have to worry. But that's a local vagrant. We call him the Dig Dig Man because he looks so scary. Oh, no. Okay, well, do you have this one in blue? Yes. Okay, I want that. I'm interested. All right. Why are you kicking water? I don't know. His store is very messy. I'll have that sent to your home. Well, where do I live?

Well, you've got me there. So you were just going to send it to my home, but you weren't going to ask for any of my details? I guess I thought we'd have more of a conversation, but things moved. They escalated very quickly. Do you want me to tell you where I live? Yes, please, please. Excuse me. You seem very busy. Should I come back, sir? No, no, please, please. I'd love to sell you a carpet. I have to work all day. Now, where I live is very hard to find. Okay. Okay.

It's in an alley between two alleys. So not a traditional home? Not exactly. It looks traditional. It's got a roof, two windows, a door, but it's very small for a mouse. Now I am a lady with magical powers. I zap down and become small and walk in.

In there, I do whatever you would do in your home. Are you guys seeing this? That's just the Dig Dig Man. That's the Dig Dig Man. We call him the Dig Dig Man. The Dig Dig Man's not real. How am I going to make a delivery to my house if I can't tell him where I live? Of course, I get very tiny. Of course. And I walk in and I take baths, sleep, nap. Right. The things you do in your home. Make dinner. Yes. Order food from Postmates. When you order food, what kind of food do you order? I order Chinese.

or maybe even Chipotle. But sometimes I order a pizza. Oh, pizza. Yeah.

What kind of pizza would you order? Are you ordering it for me? I could, if you'd like. You want to get on the horn? I could send the pizza and the carpet at the same time. Okay, great. I want a round pie, a little bit of sauce, some cheese, maybe a pepperoni, maybe some sausage if I feel nasty. Hey, Tony, I got all those rugs organized in the back. I'm about to go to lunch. You need me to do anything? Thanks, Carl.

You're a good employee of my business that I have. Okay. I'm going to go on my lunch break. Couldn't he help me? I've been sitting here... Excuse me. You've been ranting about the Dig Dink Man. He's right behind you. Carl, that's absurd. What do you want? What do you want? What? What is it? I'm trying to run a business here. I'm trying to make a sale. You're making a sale? By buying...

It takes two people to make a sale. One person to sell, one person to buy. What do you want? You walked in here like you own the place. Who do you think? I've never come out from behind this counter before. Who do you think you are, sir? You're taking a video of this? Are you taking a video? Are you taking a video of this? You better not be taking a video of this. Who are you, the bagel boss? Listen, you're not my father. You're not God.

And you're not a customer. Well, what do you want me to do to you? I hope you'll rush at me and fight me. And scene. Scene. All right. That's, that's. Wow. That, Chicago, is how a rug store works. Number one. Oh, there we go. Fun show to do.

Now, wait, did you get the singers to sing the word live? No, I didn't. Oh. By the way, if this is the first year you're listening to it, have I ever talked about these singers? I don't think we ever have. Okay, so the first year... Okay, as we talked about, you and I both grew up listening to radio in the 70s and 80s. Raised by radio. And there was this thing, and people had jobs just doing this, where they...

would sing in these harmonies things like, you know, 106.7 Kiss FM or 102.7. And this was a job for people and they would all do it in harmonies and they would all do these. And if you had a radio station, you could, you know, pay them to sing anything. Mr. G in the morning. And so... Mr. G. Yeah.

Hello, I'm Mr. G, this morning time. Now let's listen to the topics of the day. We have, of course, the elegance... Here's pour some sugar on me. Lady Whimpersmith on weather on the tens. I beg of you, if you know me in life, do not divulge my identity. I must remain Mr. G in the morning.

Oh, hey, Mr. Gargantzola. I'll have him. Have him removed. Do you want me to take the trash out? From the studio. No one must know I'm Italian. This is a guy who's second generation Italian American who doesn't want anyone to know. He's ashamed. Yes. Why are we talking? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, when we were counting down, I think the first year maybe it was 10, top 10 episodes of the year.

looked I was like that that was what I was used to I just thought it was funny to find those radio people saying number 10 number because that went anytime on a radio when you had a countdown they would use these and so I don't know where I found them I feel like I found them on LimeWire or something I mean this is 11 years yeah 11 years ago um 10 years ago um and so I found I

of these singers singing number one through 10. And we didn't have it up to 20. So when we do them, we have to, when we do 11 through 15, we have to have them repeat the numbers. Number one, five for 15. Anyway, I don't know where, if anyone has any MP3s of them doing 11 through 20, although at this point it's fun and I don't know that I would change it. Do you know, here's the thing though.

Because if you start doing a top 20 countdown, which I know you fucking will. Who, me? Yeah. Who, me? Who, me? I'm laughing at a Tony Goldblum's mouth. What are you going to do? Number 10, 10? Yeah, that's true. No, they will probably go up to number 20.

You said you didn't have. I don't have. No, no, I don't have it. Yeah. Oh, you're right. So I can never do a top 20. I can only do one nine. Yeah. Number 10. Although number 10, 10 would be funny. What if I did a top 50? It was number 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Oh, I hate that. Here's what I'm going to suggest. Or would it be number five? Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I guess they don't. What if we got a bunch of people together. And all sang it? That are people that are regulars on the show that can sing. And we do a recording session and we do a bunch of numbers and words that you just have. Just have. And any word. I mean, they would have to be common words. Like the word live. And. Well, words that you think. The. Bonus. Like words you think you would use. Okay. Hey. Hey.

Yeah. Hey. Hey, Paul. Why? Why? Bye bye. But then would you be tempted to start using them in the regular show? Yeah, I might be. Knowing that it turns into drops. Yeah. Here comes that toilet flush. Okay.

All right. This is what happens. We're only halfway through. We're going to be back on Monday with episode three of four, and we're going to be counting down eight, seven, six, and five. Yes. Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine, nine.

We will be back Monday. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't look at this point. We've recorded it already. We've been going backwards. We've been speaking backwards. You like it's coming back in style. It's really difficult to do. Sometimes I think I look like her, but my arms bend back. All right. We'll see you on Monday for part three. Bye. Bye.

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie. When you use Angie for your home projects, you know all your jobs will be done well. From roof repair to emergency plumbing and more, done well. So the next time you have a home project, leave it to the pros. Get started at Angie.com. Seems unfair that I took three years of a foreign language and I know approximately three words.

That's one word a year. That's that's not a good ratio. It's it's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program. It's available on desktop or can be used as an app on your phone or tablet. Trusted experts for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways with its intuitive process. You can pick up any language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences.

Rosetta Stone, it's very easy to use. I started learning Italian with it. I have a friend who also, he's so far advanced in Italian because he started earlier than me. It's so much fun to do and it's fun to feel like you can understand and speak in another language. Don't put off learning it. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time,

Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy.