Best of 2022 Part 2
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Part 2! Part 2! Gonna take you to Part 2! Can you believe it?

That's right, it's Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2022. We're putting the part two in 2022. Scott, a lot of people said that after part one,

We would just call it a day. We wouldn't have the nerve to show our faces again. That's true. But here we are. Here we are showing our podcast faces. Oh, we're a bitch. We're a bitch. And the bitch is back. Showing our faces for podcasting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get over it. Get over it. We have ugly faces. Who cares? Sorry. We're ugly. We're uggos.

Yeah, ugly people can be successful. Yeah. Deal with it. Maybe we will, too. One of these days. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2022 Part 2. My name is Scott Aukerman, and I am joined, as ever, since the early days of Comedy Bang Bang, with my compadre, my compatriot,

Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hi. Scott, do you consider me one of those here since the beginning? Fairweather friends?

I think so. Yeah. I mean, I can say that about Jason Manzoukas earlier. And I was like, I wonder if Scott thinks I've been here. I think you were, you probably predated Jason. I would think. I think anyone who was on. For those of you who are recent listeners, this show started in a radio station. Can you believe it? I think anyone, and that was a year, the first year. I think anyone who was on it that first year that, who came into the radio station, I consider that to be from the beginning. That's the beginning. Yes. Anyone who was on after that? Yeah. Yeah.

Fucking newbies. Lauren Lapkus, who's been doing it, I found the other day, I think, 10 years. I still think of her as new. Still think of her as one of the newbies. I hope she'll be able to do some episodes again soon. I know. I mean, obviously, having her baby has kept her... What? No, forget it. What did you say? What did you want to say and what did you say? I wanted to say, what a wonderful way to say...

What a wonderful say to way. Mike loves her. That's right. And I said say to way, and I ruined it. I'm sorry, Paul. And now it's like, who am I? I want one, but I don't deserve it. Well, let me find someone to give you one. Yeah, find somebody who's worse than me. Is there anyone here in Earwolf that can give Paul a hug? You know what? Can I say, speaking of hugs, and this is how I got here. Yep. I follow an Instagram account called Ahindawoo.

And it's this woman in South Korea. I don't exactly know what she does for a living. She might be famous. I don't know. She could be Instagram. Maybe, but she has the, the account is mainly her two little kids who are fucking they're off the charts. Cute. Right. By the way, I saw Devin leave the control room. I think he's coming to give you a hug. No, he's still in there. Oh, okay. Their names are Ahin and Ryu, her children. Oh, that was Kimmy.

She's here too. I don't know what you're talking about. No, she just, I saw her leaving. She's been here the whole time. Clearly. Uh, wait, is she here right now? Yeah. You see her, don't you? Um, so these kids are very adorable and last night. And so shout out to Brothi Gupta, a hilarious comedy writer. She and I are big fans of babies. We will share Instagram. You hate them when they get how old? Um,

I think four is the cutoff. Yeah. And then yeah. Four and up. Fuck that. Get out of my face. But we share. So we share posts of cute babies with each other on a daily basis. And we're both big fans of this account.

Last night, I had a dream that I was babysitting the younger baby, Ryu. Wow. And it was a fucking great dream. Like in the dream, I was like, oh my God, it's Ryu from Instagram. He was just as delightful in person. Now, did you have to do all the shitty things about babysitting? In my dream? No. No, it was all the fun stuff. In my dream, we were just friends. Yes. Yeah. He was giggling. I was making him laugh. It was great. Yeah. When you babysit for me-

It's not going to be like that. Oh, well, I got news for you. It will be. Oh, okay. You're not going to feed her? No, no, no. You take care of all that before I get there. Okay.

Make sure she's got all the shit and piss out, all the throw ups. Is there a circumstance where you would feel okay? You babysitting? Me babysitting. No. Absolutely not. Never. I would be so scared. I'd be so scared.

No, I think you'd be great at it. I just, I can't imagine you wanting to do it. That's why I don't think I would ever think of you. I mean, when a baby is a lump, it's easy. It's easier. You know what I mean? Maybe. Well, because there's like, they just like sleep or they cry. Yeah. And you're dealing with those things. No, the first two weeks I found to be very overwhelming and I didn't realize those were the easy weeks. Yeah.

We babysat once, Janie and I, for Friends of Hers. And they had a...

God, how old was the older one? He was like 18, four or five, something like that. He was four feet five. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. He was probably, he was 18 years old. He's 18 years old. Okay. That's too short. I was like, dude, I got to tell you, this is as tall as you get. Sorry. Um, and they had a newborn and the newborn, they were just going to go out. They just want to like go out and have dinner. Just wanted to go out. That's all they wanted to do. To Mexico. Yeah.

For a few days. Never come back. Never come back. And so now we have these two kids. But so the baby just slept. The more challenging thing was the older- I'm realizing something. Go ahead. Your baby's awake? No, I'm looking at that guy. Oh, yes, of course. We forgot to do it. Okay, we'll do that at the end. Okay. And the more challenging thing was the older child-

who we had to like keep entertained and, you know, uh, interact with in a way that it's like, Oh, this is, this is a true glimpse into parenting where a little kid kid is bugging. You just talks about shit that you don't care about. Yeah.

And you have to be invested in. But somehow you do care about it if they're your own kid, but if you're babysitting. You care about it more, yeah. Maybe more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe like 1% more. But it was the repetition of things. Oh, my goodness. That was like asking the same question over and over again, having to watch me do this thing. Sounds like an episode of three.

Too true, mon frère. Too true. Mon frère. C'est vrai. We are doing the best of Comedy Bang Bang, and hopefully you've heard episode one. What's going on on your watch? Sometimes my watch is like, I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you said. And I'm like, I'm not fucking talking to you. I'm not fucking talking to you, bitch. Stop eavesdropping on me. Although it has to in order to, like, because what's the word that triggers it? But I don't have Siri set up on the watch. I don't have like a Hey Siri thing.

You know what I mean? That hasn't triggered mine either. Good. I don't think I would set it up either. I would never use it. I'm not sure I understand. Yeah. You know why you don't understand? Because I wasn't fucking talking to you. You know what you don't understand is how to mind your own fucking business. Tell you what, dildo, don't jump into a conversation late. Dildo.

Call your watch a dildo. And calling your dildo a watch. That was like, I feel like when I was in senior high school, that was a big burn to call somebody a dildo. It's not a bad insult because it's not, I don't think it's offensive to any group of people. No, it's not. But it's also like. But it implies that someone who uses a dildo is to be shamed.

Exactly. Dildos are fun. But it implies you are a dildo. Yeah. You're like the kind of thing that gives people pleasure. Like, well, thank you. Thank you. I suppose. This is the best of 2022. Hopefully you've heard part one, which came out on Monday. This is part two. On this episode, we are going to be counting down your choices for...

For episodes 12 through 9. We said we were going to do it. Now we're doing it. We're going to crack the top 10 on this episode. See the TT. Yeah. Incredible. Paul, are you excited? Scott, I have never been this excited in my life. You're bouncing off the walls. I can barely contain myself. Incredible. I'm biting my own hand so that I don't go nuts.

Paul, you hope to be in at least one episode. You were in three the last episode. Dang. Yeah, pretty good. We'll see how you do for the rest of the countdown. But are you ready to do it? We're going to be hearing clips from these great Comedy Bang Bang episodes. Again, if you have – if this, for some weird reasons, is the first episode you're ever hearing –

We are part two. I'll start there. But we the format of the show is I'm the host. My name is Scott Aukerman and we have great comedians like I'm the guest. My name is Paula Tompkins. We have great comedians like Paula Tompkins on the show playing fake people, a.k.a. characters. And we're going to be hearing clips from these episodes and talking about the behind the scenes aspects of them. So let's do it. Paul, if you're ready.

Let us get into the very first clip of this part two episode. This is your choice for episode number 12. I'm not ready. Number one, two. All right. You did say if I'm ready and then you just, we just played the clip. Sorry. I wasn't ready. You said I'm not ready. Is that what you said? Yes. Now I have the bends. Oh no. Yes. Raptors of the deep. Okay.

All right, Paul, this is episode 735. Okay. Okay. So we're in the, still in the early, approaching mid 700s. Yeah. Yeah. We are. Yeah. Yeah. This is from November 29, 2021. And this is the early.

episode eligible. This is right after Thanksgiving. Yes, this is the week after Thanksgiving of 2021. This is the first episode eligible. The previous best of we heard the final episode eligible. Interesting. Interesting, isn't it? I'm not sure. Yeah. Um,

This is an episode entitled The Calvin's Triplets versus the Baxter Triplets. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. This is going to be silly. That's true. OK, so let's talk about the Calvin's Triplets. Yeah. The Calvin's Triplets started as the Calvin's Twins, and this must be eight, nine years or so ago. Must be.

So Taryn Killam and Paul Britton, who were on Saturday Night Live at the time, or maybe Paul had left already. I'm not sure. And Taryn was still on it. I think Paul had left already. Paul had left already. But they both met on Saturday Night Live. Taryn was going to do the show and said, hey, can I do it with Paul? I love Paul.

And I think I had never met Paul before. I'm not sure. But they both came in. And the way that episode worked is they had not planned anything out. And they looked at each other and said, what do you want to do? And Taryn said, I had an idea for maybe like horse trainers. And Paul said, OK, let's do it. And that was all. And it turned into a classic app called the Calvin's Twins. Absolutely. Yeah.

really funny episode where, and all of it was just come up within the moment by those guys, where they run a farm where they have horse fighting bouts. Yes, horse boxing. Horse boxing, yes. The horses box each other to the death. And we've done several more episodes since then where the lore of this has expanded, where they also, I believe it's a honey bee

They also... Yeah.

They also make, Paul, by the way, is doing, setting up something on the other side of the room and is forcing me to talk. But that's good because I have a lot of information and grabbing the mic occasionally. But they, oh, they make bee taffy. That's right. They make taffy. Right. And October is their taffy making season when they binge every episode of The Walking Dead and then make all the taffy.

So we've done several episodes with them. And then at one point, Taryn and Paul said, hey, what if Ryan Gall, who's another really funny comedian and improviser that they knew and that I knew,

Who was on a show called Bajillion Dollar Properties with Paul. He was one of the regulars with Paul. I was number one on the call sheet. You were number one, and he was probably seven or so. I think so. They said, hey, can he come on and do the show with us? And so he played a long-lost twin of theirs, or a long-lost brother, and it turned into The Triplets. So, The Calvins Triplets...

They've done several episodes with us and they're always really funny. And on the previous episode to this, we mentioned the Baxter triplets. Now, the Baxter triplets were three women triplets who were their arch nemeses. And we just mentioned them and I said, oh, we got to talk to them on a future episode.

I thought that we were going to bring in three other people to do it, but they decided to play them all themselves as well. So... Keeping that glass ceiling firmly in place. So you're going to hear Taron, Paul, and Ryan playing two characters apiece on these clips. And...

one thing to note is in the first act, which we're not going to hear, we totally forgot the name of the triplets. And so we took a guess of the Baxter trip. Yeah. We took a guess as to what they were and we were wrong. And, um, we looked it up in the break and found out we were wrong. So they changed names on this clip. Um,

That's what we're going to hear. This is your choice for episode number 12. Number one, two. But I guess what I mean to ask you about is in the news these days, a lot of people, and I believe a fellow podcaster was amongst them, have been taking a certain cure or remedy. Some people call it...

or snake oil. We just call it science. Right. It's been our livelihood. You're talking, Scully, about our

Ivermectin. And yes, that's how you say it. That's it? Ivermectin, yeah. A lot of people have been taking that, which is a horse dewormer. And there have been shortages out there in the world, from what I hear, because so many people want to take it in order to cure their COVID. That's right. Not helpful. Not helpful if you've got thousands of horses you've got to deworm on your ranch down in downtown Tampa.

And they all have worms, your horses. Is that part of the business? It's in heaven. Everybody got worms. Everybody got worms. You could pull worms out of you right now if we wanted to. How would you do it? Like, in how many steps? I mean, three steps. Okay, what are the steps? Reach and grab and pull. Okay, just reach, grab, and pull anywhere on my body? Anywhere. I got the chopsticks in my kit. We could do it. So what has been going on at the Bee Honey horse fight fields then? Are there just worms everywhere?

now or... Damn straight. Oh, yeah. Worms as big as tremors down the field. As big as the tremors that the worms and tremors made? God damn. You've got that right. That's it. You've got that right. Wow. Watching a horse out there in the field and all of a sudden from below, you'll hear the rumble, you'll see a little dirt path, and all of a sudden that horse gets sucked down and gone. Gone. Gone.

Right on down. God, how horrible. I mean, have you incorporated it into the actual fights or anything like that? We're trying to get them to fight, but they don't pay attention like a horse does. That's the thing about a giant tremor worm. You know, if it's one in a million horses, that's a fighter. Yeah, we've tried everything. It's way more zeros on the end for worms. Oh, God.

Stubborn as a worm. That's the old saying. Oh, okay. Right. I've heard that as well. Stubborn as a worm. That is a saying. We tried to hire the father from Family Ties. Michael Gross. Michael Gross. Great Michael Gross. Well, you know him just as his name on the show. Yeah. Mr. Keating. Yeah, exactly. Right? Keating. Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Keating. No. Keating. No hard G. Keating. No G at all. No G. Mr. Keating. No hard, no soft. Keating. No G. Mr. Keating didn't.

That's right. So you tried to hire him and he turned it down flat? He has not responded. Oh, okay. He's great. Underrated. Michael Gross. What a talent. Yale drama. Did they start that big or have they just gotten, I mean, is that what happens if you don't have the ivermectin? Well, that's the science behind ivermectin. Oh. Is that it maintains life.

the size, it maintains a manageable size of microbiotic worms to not expand over a quick period of time in the Supatremor worms. I see. So when they call it a dewormer, that's actually a misnomer. It actually is just keeping them to be the same size. Yeah, worm shrinker. You could call it a worm shrinker. So these giant worms are here. And what happens when you cut a worm in half? Doesn't it just makes two worms, right? I mean...

And I'll take credit for that. I started, I was cutting those worms in half all over the place. Not helpful. And I thought, ah, get them all, get them all. And now there's- Lisby, stop chopping. There's got to be over what? It just doubles the amount of worms. Exactly twice as, no, exponentially. Because when you cut, you cut ten in a day, you got- Yeah, because I'd cut them. I'd cut them. Two or two. They'd grow. I'd cut them again. Yeah.

There's well over a trillion. And those are just growing by themselves. Yeah, well, they're eating. I mean, they eat the honey. They eat the taffy. They've been eating the taffy. Oh, no. Leftover taffy that we had left over after October. So how was taffy season with all these worms there? Very good. Wasn't great. Nope. They can't pay for it. They don't got money. They got nothing. That's maybe my only frustration with worms.

They don't got money. Is there a lack of financial stability? You would think they would, like, open a bank or something. I mean, listen. These concepts seem very difficult for them to grasp. Listen, if you got a trillion worms, each of them got one dollar. Yeah.

You do the math, Scotland. It sounds to me like the non-palindromic $1 trillion. Yeah. That's right. Although I guess the palindromic of that would be $1 trillion and $1. Yeah. That's it. So you just chop one more worm. Okay. And be careful not to chop it again. Stop chopping.

Bisbee got so chop happy. And he was chop happy for the better part of half a year. You were chop happy? I got chop happy. I did. I've heard of that happening to people. I lost. I saw chop. For days, for weeks, I saw chop. You saw chop, you say? I saw chop. I went chopping the head. I saw chop everywhere I looked. I was chopping everything. But so now the Decker triplets, who... Boo!

They've changed their name to the Baxter Triplets. Oh, man. They rebranded their pig wrestling Carmel Farms. Oh, that's what they would have pig fights there? No, pig wrestling. It's pig wrestling in Carmel Country Mart. The Baxter Triplets.

Formerly known as. But they just put the FKA. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like twigs. Exactly. Exactly like twigs. I think they've stole it from twigs. Oh, okay. So Baxter, FKA. FKA, Decker, triplets. Right. Pig wrestling and Carmel's country maw. Country what was that last word that you said? Maw.

How do you spell that? Ma. No, spell, not say. A. Sure. A. A. Okay. A. A. Okay, enough of the A's. Just cut to whatever's next. He got 10 stanzas. We don't have time. R. T. Oh, Mart. Oh, okay. Thank you. Ma.

It's like you're French. You're taking off the T. Maw. You gotta hang in there. Okay, I'm sorry. You were laughing at me. You were laughing at something that just boils my chops. I beg your pardon. It's the Baxter FKA Decker Pig Wrestling and Carmel Country Mart. That's been next door. And just recap a little bit of what's... I mean, I guess we briefly mentioned them. And of course, we remember that their name was Decker and...

And we briefly mentioned them on the last episode that you guys did. They're your nemesis? They're the whores of the devil. Oh. So the devil, so they're not like the spawn of the devil or anything. They're just whores? Just whores. Even worse than the spawn. They're the whores of the devil, what they've done to us and our business. Okay, what do they do? I mean, how long have you known them? They encroached on our territory. As you can imagine, there's a finite number of people who are enthusiasts of...

grappling style sports. Sure, yeah. What is that number? In the central Florida area. Because you guys are open every day. That's right.

And we're spread thin enough with our two locations, one Florida, one California. How's the Florida one doing, by the way? It's not great. It's not great. Why did you open it again? Well, we merged. Oh, that's right. Biz Biz. Biz Biz. Yeah, we merged with Biz Biz. Just outside of Tampa. Would it make more sense just to shut his down and then have you go over to this one? Yeah, you tried negotiating with him. Exactly. And the plan was originally to just slowly plot after plot

by the land between the two and have the world's only and longest horse fighting bee honey and taffy fighting fields. So just 3,000 miles wide is the dream? San Luis Obispo to

Tampa pretty much. But very thin. Very thin. Thin, thin, thin, but it adds up. It's still impressive square footage-wise, but what these witches have gone and done, Scotty, they came to us and they said, oh, we think you should franchise. And we said, what's that? And they said, we will pay you to use your name to open it. And we said, no woman's going to tell us our business. And they were not happy.

be about that. They didn't like hearing that. Within months, Scott Lee, since we last talked, within months, they bought a thin ring of land completely around both of our horse horns. It's five feet wide. It's five feet wide. Like the shape of a horse anus right around

Well, this is terrible. So the Baxter FKA Decker triplets have just taken a sledgehammer to your business. And unlike, you know, Peter Gabriel taking sledgehammer to the top of the charts. Right. This has just handicapped your business. It won't be our testimony. It'll be our destructimony. Exactly. But I would imagine, couldn't you somehow harness the power of the worms and...

Maybe have them storm? We've been trying. I mean, that was our plan with Michael Gross. Oh, you were- He turned us down flat. As I recall in those Tremors movies, he killed worms. He didn't actually like ever- Well, that's- Are you telling me- So let me get this straight. If you're a worm and Michael Gross shows up and you know that he's famous for killing you, you're not going to listen to what he says? Okay.

Okay, I guess you're... Maybe that should have been the next Tremors movie is him training them because they're so afraid of him. Yeah. How has that not been one of them yet? And he turns them against the U.S. government? The only conversation we actually had with Michael before he just ghosted us, there was a screenplay called Tremor Down Now. Ha ha ha!

Was Sherry O'Terry part of this? Was she involved? She's a co-writer. She's attached. Co-writer, associate producer. So unfair the way that women are treated in show business. Not cool. But yeah, Tremor Down Now. Tremor Down Now. Where Michael Gross' character from Tremors harnesses the power of worms. Okay. It was more like a sports movie. Like Chariots of Fire. It was Chariots of Fire set in the world of Tremors. Oh, so wait. So he...

He then takes those worms and races with them? To the Worm Olympics. The Worm Olympics. They win every category of the Olympics. Okay, so they're pole vaulting. Everything. Everything, wow, of the Worm Olympics. No, of the human Olympics. Oh, okay. Every version. So the first act is them going to the Worm Olympics? That's sort of the moral of it, is that, you know what, at the end of the day, humans and worms...

We ain't that different. Other than the money part of it. Yeah, and being chopped. Don't want to chop a human. Sure, because a human, boy, wouldn't that be great if someone chopped you in half and you just became another person? Listen, Scarlett, I already got two brothers. I don't need another Calvin's boy running around the fighting fields. Oh, can you imagine the Calvin sex couplets? Yeah. Well, I wonder what that'd be like. Poodle-oo, poodle-oo, poodle-oo, poodle-oo.

Welcome to the Caravan Sect's Tuplets. Bee, honey, taffy, horse fighting fields. I'm Beaver Ho-Pox. And I'm Beaver Ho-Pox. Calm down now, Beaver. Chico, tell them what they're in for today. Yeah, tell them, Mother Chico. Will you stop? Were you talking to me? Were you talking to the other Chico when you said to stop? Were you talking to your clone? I'm talking to the Chico that I love.

Do before the chop! That sounds like me! Everybody gotta quiet down over there. You're getting me all riled up. Hey, let them do what they want. Come on! Oh, Bisbee! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Bisbee's fighting Bisbee! Oh, God! Oh, they've locked horse necks! They've locked horse necks! Oh, no! The horse anus is synced up! Oh, thank God he got that last line in right as we were fading out.

So the horse anus is synced up? That's my takeaway from this. There was a suction cup. Oh, the suction cup power of the anus. They became sort of like a, do you remember the animated Nicktoon cat dog? I do not. I sure don't. Then it's not worth talking about. Okay. Well, that would be horrible. We don't want that to happen. So, yeah. Thank God. Oh, my gosh. So the Baxter FKA Decker triplets are,

Is there any chance that we could maybe talk to them about this? Maybe kind of try to iron out some sort of a thing? I mean... We could give them a call. We could give them a call, right? I guess. Scott Lee, if you agree to be the mitigator, renovator, terminator... Arbitrator. Then...

Yes. Okay, good. I agree. I agree to be at least two of those things. We can eat crow, and we will try to reset our dynamic with these Baxter FKA deckers. Well, come on. That's a bad way to start, Ms. Bean. That's a bad way to start. Yeah, let me call them up on this. Here we go.

calling the Baxter FKA Dexter triplets at their pig wrestling in Caramo Country Mart. It's ringing and we're hopefully they'll pick up and this won't be another. Hello. Hello. Hello. Sorry. Sorry. Hello. I got a bug in my throat. This is the WCCF. Oh, hi. You're talking to Cuida? Oh, hi, Cuida. It's customer. Cuida, who is it?

I'm gonna catch ya! Queda, Queda, hi, this is Scott. This is Scott Aukerman of Mr. Show. I don't know this show. What show? Quit that. What show? I don't know. He says he's scored something from a show. Okay, forget that. I'm Scott Aukerman from Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang

Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang? Yes. Hello, Scott. Hi. Hello, Scott. It's Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome to the B-F-K-A-D-P-W-C-M-C-C-M. Yes. How can I help you? Well, by the way, I'm recording a podcast. Is it all right if I record your voice? Oh, free advert?

Oh, yes. Okay, sure. And are your sisters there, Tanya and Candy? You're both here. Oh, they're both here. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. And you're French? The other place? Oh, okay, good. Scott, may I ask you a question? Please, yes. Is your famous? Oh!

Have you heard of Conan O'Brien? Conan O'Brien? You're Conan O'Brien? No, but we're colleagues. No, he's called him. He's called him. I can't hear you. I have the machine on. Pick up the other. Pick up the Coney Bologna. What machine do you have on?

Hi, hi. What machine do you have on? Which one are you, by the way? The triple blender. Oh, the triple blender. Oh, sorry. Which sister are you? Are you Candide? I'm Candide. You're Candide. Oh, Candide. Oh, okay. I misheard the people who said your name is Candide. Who said my name? Uh, oh, well, we'll get to that in a second, but I want to make sure that Tanya is also on. Is your sister Tanya here? What? Tanya! What is he saying? Pick up the fax phone! Get under the fax phone!

Hello, this is Tanya. Hi, Tanya. Hello. Hi, so I have all three of you. Great. Scott Ackerman. Hello. From Comedy Bang Bang. Mr. Show. Mr. Show. Mr. Show. Scott Ackerman. Yes. Conan O'Brien. I thought you said you missed my show. I did not know what this means. That was a common misconception when that show came out. Missed your show. Yeah, missed your show. Okay, I'm a crazy person, but please buy some caramel. Are you crazy?

I'm not crazy. No, no, I'm not crazy. You're like two steps behind at all times, it seems like, Candy. I have the machine. Okay, turn off the triple blender, please.

Guys, and when I say guys, I just mean you, the triplets. The women. The women that I'm talking to. Gals. Yes, of course. Maybe please say specifically gals in case it gets confused. Should you be in the room with anybody else? I am in the room. It's so coincidental that you said that. I am in the room with three gentlemen right now. Oh, you're excited by that. If they like Carmel or pig wrestling, yes, la la.

I don't, you know, I don't know if they like either of those things that has never come up in our conversations. But what has come up in our conversations is the fact that they are neighbors to you. That's right. I turned off the machine. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Candide.

God, Candy really needs to get on the same page with you, gals. But I have three guys with me. I have your neighbors, Bever, Chico, and Bisbee. That's right, I have the Calvins triplets here. Guys, say hello to the gals. Are they all on the

on the phone? Are we on speakerphone? Now you have the triple blender on. Can you please turn it off? Turn it off! I misheard you. I was like, I missed your show and I was like, I got confused and I said, time to blend the taffy and I turned it on. Okay, sorry about that, Skyler. No, no, we're still in the middle of the show. You haven't missed it. We're doing it right now. I'll say hello. Yep.

I'll say hello to anybody who deserves it. Oh, okay. So if you don't mind, I'll pass on saying hello. Oh, Bisbee. Oh, that's not the way to start. Hello, Queeda. Hello, Tanya. Hello, Candide. Hello. Hello. It's good to hear you. Is there a single case there in your little island?

Where are you laughing like that? What she said wasn't all that funny. Sorry, I did find that funny in the horse. That's a horse laugh right there. That's a horse laugh. That's a horse laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha!

He got a horse's Adam's apple put in as well. Effect his life. Electively. Yeah. Number one, two. Okay. Good clip. Good clip. This, of course, leads to all sorts of hijinks on the phone with the three guys playing two parts apiece. We just are scratching the surface on this really funny episode all the way through.

Um, Taryn and Paul moving expertly back and forth between voices and, uh, Ryan. Sounds like somebody wasn't able to. Ryan's struggling to remember how to do his own voice. He totally forgot how to do his Bisbee voice and just was like, just started the episode. And he said the first thing and we, it wasn't his voice that he normally does. And we're like, what's wrong with you? So he had to say he was sick. What's wrong with you? Yeah.

By the way, we mentioned the worms that Obi-Wan Kenobi loves so much in that clip. You mentioned the worms. So Obi-Wan actually probably would love, because they're giant worms. Sure. Over there at the horse fighting ranch. Absolutely. He would love it over there. He would love the movie Dune. He would love the movie Dune. If only he knew anything about pop culture. And he doesn't.

Great clip. I love those guys. They all three came over together to my house the other night because. Like unexpectedly? No, we had planned it. But because the books, the Comedy Bang Bang books, which are coming out in April of 2023, I.

I got thousands and thousands of them sent to me and I signed all of them. And I thought it would be really fun if various people in the show signed different ones. And so all three of the Calvin's triplets came over and signed a big batch along with me. And you don't know who you're going to get? You don't know who you're going to get. How many did I sign? You signed thousands, but- With five boxes. You signed half of the ones I did. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You signed five boxes. I did 10. Okay.

Wow. Yeah. So you did a whole bunch of them. We talked about it on Threedom, I believe. And it's really fun. So if you bought a signed edition, it'll be me as well as some, at least one other person. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to see who you get. Okay. Let's take a break. When we come back,

we will be, we're not going to crack the top 10 yet, but I'll tell you what, we're going to crack the top 11. I mean, that's not nothing. That's not nothing. Yeah. So let's do it. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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When I think about people who are out there saying, oh, they're not cracking the top 10 yet. How many numbers have you cracked? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. I mean, I bet you've cracked some nuts. Oh, because you're a nutcracker that came to life? Exactly. And you belong on the aisle of misfit toys? Yeah. How about that? That portrayal of Santa Claus, who's like,

I'm banishing you. Yeah. Weird guy. You're sentient toys. That's weird enough. You shouldn't be. None of you should be alive. Instead of putting you out of your misery. Yeah. By shooting you in the head. Yellowstone style. First scene of Yellowstone. I feel like Rankin and Bass did not really consider all of the ramifications of the Isle of Misfit toys. Yeah.

Where it's like, they're not there because, you know, this train has square wheels. It's because you can fucking talk. Exactly. You can't be giving presents to children that are alive. And we, and also, but what's weird about it is it humanizes them to hear them talk. You know how if you're ever kidnapped, you should be, you know, talking and talking about your loved ones. I like the Star Wars trilogies. I like, my favorite color is green. Yeah.

Anyway, Rankin and Bass work smarter, not harder. Yeah. You know? I don't even know if they're working that hard. By the way, I saw that, speaking of stop motion animation, saw that live at Pinocchio. Pinocchio is supposed to be great. Guillermo del Toro, it's beautiful. I hear. And not for kids. Yeah. No kids allowed.

Well, speaking of not for kids, why don't we crack the top 11? Yeah. We're going to do it. This is your choice for episode number 11. Number one, one. All right, Paul, this is episode 767. Ooh, so this is in the mid-

Till late 700s. Say the early mid. Oh, this is the early mid 700s. Yeah, that's what I would say. It's definitely, I tell you what, it's definitely mid. You dildo. All right. This is an episode called, from July 25, 2022. Weird title. There was a comma before I said call. I apologize. Called Fordham.

Fordham. Fordham. Fordham. Oh, I know this one. I bet you do, Paul, because you were there. This has Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, and Mary Holland. So this is an episode. Let's talk about the backstory of it a little bit. So this was an episode where we heard the episode with Tatiana Maslany earlier. Mm-hmm.

This was the episode she was supposed to be on and she canceled right before the show. That's right. Remember how we said she was so nice? She's not. She's not nice. No. A person who would cancel a show right before she does it? Yeah. Not nice. This is our jobs. You know what I mean? You said you were going to do this. You went back on your word. You're a liar. I call that not nice. Yeah.

Anyway, so she canceled approximately a half hour before the show. She canceled with extreme prejudice. And to her credit, she rescheduled. But all of us were all set to do the show. And so we said, you know what? We're going to do it anyway. Yeah. And in the A block where we usually talk to a celebrity –

We are going to, it's going to be you, Paul, myself, and Lauren Lapkus, because we have a different show called- You, Paul, of course, is my drag character. And also your U-Haul parody. It works as both. It's weird to, I mean, most parodies are songs, but you have a trucking line? A business trucking line. And the thing is, is that all the trucks are in drag. And they drag things as well, so-

Exactly. You get it. You, Paul, get it. Yes. So we said, okay, you know what? We host another show called Threedom Together, which is there are no characters on. It's just the three of us friends talking. Me, Scott, and Lauren. We said, let's be the celebrities at the top when we're going to talk about Threedom at the top. So we'll be ourselves promoting a podcast. So we did that at the top. Is there anything more pathetic? Promoting a podcast. Ugh.

And then Mary came on playing a reporter who was just hit by a car, which I think was something that had just happened on live TV. But none of us had seen the clip and we didn't know what she was doing. Yeah. And then Lauren comes on. This is where we're starting. Lauren comes on playing a parody of someone she saw on Instagram, I think. And we didn't know who that was either. So we're going to hear that clip. And then we're going to hear another clip where Paul F comes on as someone we have heard about previously on these best ofs.

Let's just hear the clip. This is your episode number 11. Number one. One. All right. We have to get to our next guest. They have a special skill. Never been on the show before. Please welcome Carmine Delange. I'm so excited to be here. Hey, Carmine. Hi, Carmine. Great to meet you. Great to meet you. This is Paul of Tomcats. We've actually met before. Have we really? Really? Forgive me. I've also met you before and I've also met you before. I remember exactly. Exactly.

I'm sorry, I don't remember. I don't remember either. That's so weird. I mean, we've never even met. Just because you never met doesn't mean I never met. I'm a different man. You are a different man. That's so true. Carlo, was it? Carmine. Carmine, Carmine. Forgive me, I've been watching The Bear. I switched it around. You can remember this by picturing your own car and going, ah, Carmine. Thank you. That's a handy demonic device. It actually is a little bit. What's his name on The Bear? His name is Carmi. I'll never forget. Okay.

And how did we, when did we meet before? We met, it was 1998. You were wearing a blue suit. You had blue shoes. You had a blue hat. You had a coin cup in your mouth. I remember this day. We were carrying a notebook and it was Thursday, July 17th. Oh my God. Holy shit. How do you remember? Okay, when did we meet? We met, it was 1994. It was raining. That was a long time ago.

Four years before we met. You were scared. You were ducking behind a car. I said I could help you. You said, not if I help you first. You stood up and it was actually a prank where you were actually trying to prank people. You were wearing a black shirt, a black pants, a black shoes, and a black hat. I remember this prank. No corncob pipe?

Couldn't afford one back then. This is 94. He did not have a cork-up pipe. It was before his big successes where he would be able to afford all the cork-up pipes in the world. I haven't watched every single one of them, by the way. I've been watching all his successes. I'm very happy for you. Thank you so much. That's so nice. So nice. Carmine, when did you meet Haney? Haney, Haney. Wee. Haney, Haney. That's my nickname. That's cool. Haney, Haney. Haney, Haney.

We met in high school. I was your teacher. I was a man then when I was your teacher. You were a sweet little girl. You always had your hair in pink tails and you wore a pink shirt, pink pants, pink shoes, and a pink hat. That's so true. All of us have matched on these days. Yes. Oh, my God. What grade? It was Wednesday, October 9th. But the whole year. That was the day before I got hit by that car. Or did you just teach one day? I taught one day. Which one?

I got fired. The college one? No, no, no. That was in elementary school or in high school. That was the day before I got hit by the car. Oh, okay. Because I got hit by a car in high school. I wouldn't know because I left the school because I was fired because I had to go do other jobs.

So you didn't get fired? I was fired because I had to go do other jobs. You were fired because you had to go do other jobs. But you see, I remember so distinctly. And you're telling me you don't remember me at all? I mean, I remember the day that I said, I'm going to try a monochromatic outfit. Yeah. And I never felt fully secure, even with my pipe, which I was like smoking furiously. I remember doing those pranks, but I never actually like made them.

met the people that I did the pranks on. But you did meet me, but you just didn't remember. But that's okay. I was probably so distracted because I was self-conscious that I didn't remember meeting anyone that day. Do you have Mary Lou Henner disease? I wouldn't call it a disease. I'd call it a gift. Okay, so you remember every interaction. Do you have Mary Lou Henner gift? Excuse me? Do you have Mary Lou Henner gift? I gave Mary Lou Henner a gift. I gave her, well, I've given her four gifts. I gave her an umbrella that turns inside out so it catches the rain so she can eat for later and water the plants. Oh, that's nice.

I gave her a pair of socks with my picture on them to be funny. That was a little prank one. I gave her a big set of pencils that were all huge. And that was not a prank. That was because she always lost her pencils. So a big set of huge pencils. And I gave her a new doorknob because when I went to her house, I pulled the doorknob right off.

Wow, four gifts. That wasn't really a gift so much as a replacement. I'm curious about the umbrella where you save the rain for later. Yes, it's from Mocha. So it's turned inside out so it's kind of like you're holding a birdbath kind of above your head. You look very dumb when you hold it. But it would get heavy, right? It gets very heavy. Depending on how much rain there is. Well, because you stand outside and you go dump it in your plants and help them out. Or save it for the bath. Even though it's raining. If you did that in West Virginia, it rains in West Virginia.

I tell you right now. It rains here too. It rains in West Virginia as part of the local weather. Well, I actually know that it has rained more than ever this year than ever in West Virginia. And it's been raining nonstop every single day in June. How did you know that? You know facts about places you aren't even in. I know the Farmer's Almanac backwards and forwards. I have a photograph of memory. Tell it to us backwards, please. Backwards is right now today. Today it is 85 degrees in Los Angeles. Why did it end today?

Oh my God. That's scary. God. But it knows what happens in the future, but it tells you what happens today. It knows what. Wow. Interesting. Wow. It can predict generally given the stats. Right. When eclipses are going to be, et cetera. Oh, no. What happened? I've never,

how to use an almanac because I would look up words if I was trying to think of a word if I was trying to think of a word that's that you're trying to think of a word right now that's like nice and what's what's another word that's like means nice but isn't that word this is a thesaurus I was looking up an almanac I can tell you all about kind

Sweet. Oh, my God. Loving. Nice. Nice. Oh, nice. Friendly. Friendly. Open. Open. Giving. Giving. Kind. Nice. Nice. Friendly. Listen. Open. To. Listen. A. A. Nice. An audiobook to learn more vocabulary.

Wow. That's impressive. That's impressive. That's really good. I'll admit I was doubting it at first, but that blew me away. You were Mr. Doubt a lot. Mr. Doubtfire. Yep. Your tits are on fire. Hello.

Didn't you see a drive-by fruiting on your way in here? I did see a drive-by fruiting. No, it was a drive-by hit with her. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, I got the hit and run. Can we test you on things that have happened in the past? Yes, please do. Is that okay? That's my favorite activity. I've been on many game shows and many news shows. I've been on Jeopardy. All right. What was the third one? Jeopardy. September 23rd, 1985. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yep, it was a big day. Well, so it was snowing. What day of the week was it? Wednesday. And it was snowing and it was very, very cold everywhere. Everywhere? Wow. And it was, that's what the alma mater said. But what happened to me that day? I met three interesting people. Tell us about all three of them or at least two of them. Were they wise men? I'll start with one. He was a butcher.

He had on a hat. White. And he had... Let me guess the color of the rest of his clothes. White? Well, what are you, a guessing guy? White shirt? White apron? White shirt, white apron, white pants, white shoes, white gloves. That's bold for a butcher. White gloves. White gloves.

But he was splattered in blood. But I met him and he said, pleased to meet you. And I'll never forget him. And then I was walking down the street. Seems pretty anodyne of an interaction. I guess the spatter with blood part, I would remember. That's what makes my skill so interesting. Okay, true. And I was walking down the street and I went to the bakery and I got myself a croissant. And I was talking to the baker and his name was the baker. And he had on, let me tell you. His last name was Baker? He had his hair in a ponytail and he had on a blue shirt, blue pants, blue shoes. Oh, okay.

Blue apron. Blue apron. Blue. Blue apron.

Blue Apron. He started a company. Is this an ad for Blue Apron? This is the longest ad we've ever done. And if you want to use my code for Blue Apron, it's don't forget, it's this code now. Always remember, that's the code. And then I met him and he was so affable. And I'll never forget that about him. He was sewing so bad. So affable. So when you meet an affable guy, yeah. Who's the third person you met? I met a candlestick maker. He was making me a little candlestick out of a wax bug. And he was just playing with it. A wax bug?

Oh, a wax bug. He was rolling, rolling, rolling. Get your candles rolling, he sang. And I'll never forget how he sang it so beautifully and right on tune. And he had a perfect pitch. And here's what he was wearing. He had on a striped hat, striped glasses, striped shirt. What color were the stripes? Striped shirt, striped scarf, striped pants, striped shoes, striped socks. The stripes were red and white.

Red and white. Like he worked at Toy City or something. Were the lenses of his glasses also striped? Just the frames. Okay. The lenses were black. Oh my God. Like he was wearing sunglasses? No. Like he was blind. But he wasn't. Because he looked me right in the eye. He said, I love how you look. So that you could tell both physically and from what he said.

Wow. What an interesting day. I know. Can you believe it? Did you go right to bed from there? Then I went home and I fucked my wife. Okay. Okay. Wait. How old of a man are you, Carmine? Backside. How old of a man am I? Yeah. My age is one plus two plus three plus four plus five. Don't count every year. We got to speed this up.

What year were you born? Can I ask you that? You must remember that. You can't ask me that. Do you remember the day you were born? Do you remember that far back? Yes, I do. Oh, no. Tell us about that. My birthday is May 1. The year is 1948. Wow. You look terrific. You really do. Thank you. I got a lot of Botox. You're in the 60s. Why? Do you remember that? Why do I get it? Because I have wrinkles. Are you kidding me?

Are you that vain? I mean, you're like an ugly guy. Scott. You should see it with my wrinkles. That's rude. I'm just saying, like, you ain't no movie star. I remember thinking John Kerry was very unattractive, and then he got...

a bunch of Botox. I was like, wow, look at this. Who's this hunk? So I look better, better, better, better, better. Yeah, what was your question the day I was born? Well, I was inside the, as you all know, when you're about to be born, you're inside the vagina. Yeah. And I was inside the vagina. Just in there. And I was going, I think I want to get out of here now.

But it's safe in there. And it was hot. And the weather was muggy. And I got out. The weather inside or the weather? The weather inside is muggy. But outside, it's so deluging. Wax buggy?

I always thought the word was deluggy. That's the one thing I forgot. Wow, this is a big day. Don't write this down. So you remember you forgot. Nobody write this down. I know I never forgot anything before this. I would remember that. So you were inside and then did you see the light? Did you like start crawling towards the light? I started going, squish my head down, down, down, down, down. And then my mom was screaming, get the fuck out. And I went, pop.

And I came out with a parachute. A parachute? I sang that song. It was the placenta. And I sang, pop goes the weasel. And you had a placental parachute. And I landed on the ground. Really? Yeah. What? You don't believe me? Ask my mom. Is she still alive? Yeah. Can you call her? See, you can't even fix it if you wanted to. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. When did she die? Tell us about that day. What day was it? Two days ago. I remember it like it was two days ago. Two days ago? Two days ago. Oh, my God. How old was she? 99? 99?

Okay. So she had you in her 30s. It was late for the time. For the time, sure. For the time. But are you the first or the last of a big family? I'm the 16th. Or the everything. 16th child? Yes. That's too much. And what do you get from that?

My brother's name is Damon. My other brother's name is Mike. My other brother's name is Weasel. My other brother's name is Matt. My other brother's name is Danny. My other brother's name is Kulak. My other brother's name is Scott. You're just looking at things in the room now. My other brother's name is Table. My other brother's name is William. My other brother's name is Microphone. My other brother's name is Bat. My other brother's name is Phone. My other brother's name is Hat. I think I've named my brothers, and that's how I'm at on

Wow! She's telling the truth! He is, he is! I'm gonna make table! That's an easy way to remember all your family members. Oh, what's going on? Hey, Scott! What the? What? Charles? Yeah, it's me, Charles! Classic Charles? Classic Charles! Oh my god, Charles, how are you? I'm good, it's good to see you, man! Are you still trapped here in the Earwolf Studios? Do you know me?

Y'all know me. Still the same old G. Still the same old G. I met this guy once before. Carmine, hi. Oh, Charles. How are you? You remember meeting me? Of course, we had a very memorable meeting. I do. We had a memorable, we were wearing the same outfit. Yes. Gray pants. Gray shirt. Gray hat. Gray gloves. Gray glasses. Gray socks. Gray shoes. Gray socks.

And of course, a gray corn pop pipe wallet. And a gray corn pop pipe. Corn pop. My God. Mine was not a cereal. How long ago was this? Corn pop pipe. Corn pop pipe. And you put milk in the end and go. I don't think. Make milk bubble. Charles, I. Make milk bubble, we screamed on Saturday Night Live. We did.

You've been on Saturday Night Live? Yeah, Lorne Michaels was walking by and saw us. And Lorne said, what is your good beer in my shoe? Lorne Michaels was wearing a purple scarf, a purple shirt, a purple jacket, a purple pants, a purple shoes. Purple socks too. So I don't remember this episode. Who was hosting that you guys actually did the cold open? Prince was hosting. Prince was hosting.

and musical, guys, that we said move over, short stuff. Wait till you see this. And we blew milk bubbles out of a cork.

People freaking went crazy for the stuff. Of course I would remember that. We got a 45-minute standing ovation after this. We got an apple-bottom jeans, boots with the fur. With the pearls. The whole club was looking at her. Oh, did that a bow? Oh. Did that a bow? Low, low, low, low, low. Hey, are you Haney Dilf?

She can still dance. You know Haney Dill? Yeah, I used to watch West Virginia News on my pyro on television. You wrecked me. Of course I did. For if you don't know, Haney, Charles has been trapped in the Earwolf Studios for now five years or so. Oh, no. That reference, by the way, since you've been trapped is no longer a quick thing. Well, we don't like that anymore. What is your biggest fear when you're here? Yeah.

when the lights go out that there's creatures. Is there ghosts? I knew there's ghosts. I'm not scared of ghosts. Fuck them. I'm scared of creatures. Do you think we're ghosts? Pinch us. Yeah, pinch. Pinch me right here. Actually, pinch me right here. Ew, it's all wet. Pinch me right here. On her nipples? Yeah, pinch me

right there. Hey, come on. What? No, just do it. No. Come on. We're not going to twist your nipples for you. Just do it if you want to know if I'm a ghost or not. You don't have to twist, just pinch. Yeah, pinch them. I didn't say anything about twisting. That's a good

It's a good loophole, Garb. Number one, one. There we go. Classic Charles. A full segment. Full segment. Never happened before. Classic Charles had never had, because the longest he's spoken. So, Charles, talk about Charles. We've talked about him on previous Best Ofs, but he started as what? He was born on the DVD commentaries for Comedy Bang Bang. And then Charles was a character that I would do specifically for

to crash the show if I was here back when there would be a million shows here. Yeah, four shows happening at the same time or three at least. And so I'd do another podcast and then I would see you guys were in the studio and so I would come in and just be this guy, Jarls. Hey! Hey! You'd open the door and- What's going on, Scott? Hey!

Then Jarls, of course, has a very tiny windpipe. He's very devout. And that's why he sounds that way. He's devout. He's a fencing instructor. Those are his three things. And so it would just be me. I would come in, do that for like a couple seconds, and then leave. Yeah. And it was fun. It was fun. And we decided to talk to him. And we just scratched the surface with it. We heard about three minutes of Jarls. But some really funny stuff. That's a good episode. And Mary was playing Haney Dilf.

She's the best at coming up with great character names. She has great names. And that was the only episode Lauren did this year. I know. She just doesn't have a ton of time, unfortunately, because she has so many podcast duties and so many terrible movies to watch. I empathize. I thought you were going to say terrible movies to be in. No. She's been in...

Some good movies? The Between Differences movie. She's... And nothing else. No, she's been working a ton and she has a baby. Yeah, going out of town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she would like... I keep pitching her episodes to do. Mm-hmm.

And she's like, I wish I could, but I – like I pitched her one the other day and she was like, I wish I could, but I'm here with Holly and I have a closet being put in. She's putting a closet in her daughter and I think that's weird. It's so straight. Like you basically like –

It's one of those where you just press a button and it unlatches her full stomach. Look, we all need more space. I get it. But not in babies. Don't put a, don't put a closet in a baby. First of all, she's going to keep growing. Yes. That closet is going to be miniscule. Hopefully your closet will. Hopefully. But this is experimental surgery.

All right, we're going to take a break. All right. We're on the cusp of cracking the top 10, Paul. That's got to be exciting. We're on the sea of see the TT. Let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2022 after this.

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must be 21.

Hey, welcome back.

It is almost Christmas in three days. Do you know the song New Kid in Town by George Strait? Isn't there a new kid in town that's like... Everybody's talking about the new kid in town. Maybe that is. Is that? Oh, no. That's a different song. Oh, okay. That's a different song. What's the George Strait one? The George Strait one, there's a new kid in town here in Bethlehem. Oh, Jesus.

And it's like, I think it's- Hey, someone was born. I think it's from the point of view of like the wise men or something. And they're saying like, hey- Hey, someone- Anybody see the savior out here? We're updating the census. And there's this guy who's like, yeah, a baby got born a couple- Blocks away. Like blocks away in this barn. I mean, he's in a manger. He's away in a manger. Some kid.

Wow. Why do we have to talk about this guy? It's like, yes, the story of Christmas and Jesus' birth has been well told. But now, like, you know, 80th on the call sheet is getting his own song? Here's an angle nobody's explored. What if somebody didn't know who he was? What if someone gave someone directions to him? That's a song? I'm going to look up the lyrics. Okay, but please keep the show going. By the way, George Strait, it's trying a little hard. You know what I mean? It's like, okay, man, we get it.

Hey, nobody was asking. So calm down. We are counting down the top 17 episodes of Comedy Bang Bang 2022. So many episodes. We had to do a top 17 this year. So many good episodes. And did you find them? I did. It is exactly. What do we got? It's exactly what I thought it was.

We're looking for the king, the new messiah. We're following the star shining brighter. Old man, won't you help us if you can? Old man? He shook his head, but he pointed his hand. By the way, life expectancies being what they were, he was probably 30. By the way, old men in songs, if you're going by this and you're going by the weight, they're not helpful. No. All they do is shake their heads no. He pointed his hand. There's a new kid in town. He's lying in a manger down the road. There's a new kid in town, but he's just another baby, I suppose. Yeah.

Heaven knows there's a new kid in town here in Bethlehem. I see you've traveled far, bearing treasures. You say these gifts are for the new king's pleasure? I read that a king might come, but up to now there hasn't been one. So he's like, I've heard this is going to happen, and I've been waiting for it, and I'm religious because I mentioned heaven, but I don't give a shit if this is him. But anyway...

If you're looking for a baby, there is one that just got born down the road. Wow. Terrible song. Hey, but if he turns out to be the baby, the Messiah, please come back and let me know. Meanwhile, they ghost him. They just forget about it. He's like, well, I guess it wasn't the case. Also, I mean, so these three kings knew, right? The three wise men. They're like, are they kings or wise men?

You know what I mean? Because some people say they're kings. We three kings. Yeah, but then there's... We call them three wise men. But just because they're kings, they're wise? Come on. Or are they wise kings? Which is allowed. Yeah. But, okay. You dropped this, wise king. So... It's a puddle of myrrh. So...

So they know. Puddle of Myrrh is my favorite band. Oh, they're great. The 2000s. They're great. The Puddle of Mud cover band where they make them all Christmas songs. If I can think of one Puddle of Mud song, I would give you an example. But here's the thing. They just cover the songs and they add jingle bells. That's all they do. Okay. So these guys, these astrologers, they're like, okay, this star says this baby's going to be born on this date and this place. Let's go there, bring them a bunch of gifts.

And then nobody believed them, I guess, because then Jesus, it's not until he's in his 30s. When people finally go like, you know what? I bet you are. Yeah. And it's only 12 guys. And what are these? What are these wise men doing while he's being crucified, by the way? Why don't they pop up as character witnesses? Fucking guys. Yeah.

I don't know. The whole thing doesn't make sense. The whole thing doesn't make sense? You know what I was thinking about the other day? Yeah, please. I was singing Jingle Bells, Batman Smells. Yeah. More Christmas songs should have Batman in them. Well, but it's very pejorative. You know what I mean? Like they're being, it's mean. It's mean, but I mean- You're dragging him into Christmas. He could be rehabilitated in other songs. Okay. Name any Christmas song. Okay.

Away in a manger. The one we were just singing? You said any. All right. Okay. God rest ye merry gentlemen. Okay. God rest ye merry Batman. I mean, easy right there. That's just easy picking. Okay. Then what else?

Talk about how he smells. God rest ye merry, Batman, this guy really smells. Now we will listen to a song named Jingle Bells. Jingle bells, bad man smells. Robin laid an egg. Batmobile lost its wheel. Joker got away. Good stuff.

Also making light of a homicidal maniac has escaped. Yeah. He wasn't homicidal in those early comics though. No, he's just a goofball. They were all just goofballs and now they're like the Riddler is like snapping somebody's neck. Where's the riddle? Knock, knock. Who's there? Me snapping your neck. You hitting the floor. What has a snapped neck when it's standing in front of me? The answer? You. Yeah.

Fun riddle. I remember getting that at a fortune cookie one time. Well, Paul, we were going to... Fwapaw! Fwapaw! Hey, he just got a new girlfriend. Fwapaw! We were going to crack the top 10, but instead, we're going to take a little detour and we're going to play a... Clip. Really? Yes. You know why? Why?

No! 17 wasn't enough. Scott, this is Precedented. That's true. On the Best Ofs, we used to play bonus clips a lot, and we haven't in a few years because they've been jam-packed. But this year...

We had a little contest for people who bought the Comedy Bang Bang book. I didn't know about this. The Comedy Bang Bang book is coming out in April. And so we opened up a contest. If you could prove that you bought the book, if you had the receipt or whatever, you could enter the contest. If you have the receipts. That's right. And these people had the receipts. You could enter the contest and pick an episode that you would like to be featured in the best ofs. And I would read what they wanted to say about the episode. Mm-hmm.

And so our winner was Eli Schwab from Woodland Hills, California, picked in a random drawing. Hi, Eli. Hi, Eli. And he picked, as his episode that he wanted to highlight, he picked episode number 700- Nomeber? Nomeber 763 from June 27th.

So this is in the mid, mid 700s. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. And this is an episode called StarToon Cartoon. Familiar? Yeah.

Yes, I remember now. Yes, you are in it. Yes. Yes. This has some interesting people. It is the show where we talk to interesting people. It was. That's true. Now it is Humanity's podcast and the Animal Kingdoms. But this has, these are the people involved. Jack Quaid. Hi. From Amazon's The Boys. Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. And Tawny Newsome. Hi.

All three people who are on a little animated show called Star Trek Lower Decks. Correct. And.

I play a bird man. You do. And this was an episode. Not bird man. Not bird man. Or the unexpected virtue of ignorance. I watched his new, or I turned on his new film, I should say. I turned on Bardo the other day. Got three scenes in and I said, gotta go. I was shimmy. Gotta go. Bye. You had to pull the shimmy. I pulled the shimmy on him. Bardo. Oh.

So let's hear what Eli says about it. Eli says, this ep was a warp speed laugh riot that not even the great bird of the galaxy himself could have imagined. Do you know who that is? That is a Star Trek reference. I don't know what it is, but I know it is a reference. That was an affectionate nickname for Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek. Okay. So this is a Star Trek fan.

Jack PFT and Tawny, a.k.a. Boimler, Miglimo, is that how you pronounce your name? And the Amazing Mariner are perfect guests. I know they all left and some freaking insane characters came out, but damn, man, Brock Lovett, Tyrna, and the most amazing thing, the ghost of Mac Rebenak, a.k.a. Dr. John, came back to assure us that we were in the right place and it was the right time, baby. What a very professional sounding review. Yes, absolutely.

He went on and said some other stuff that I'm not going to read. Like about January 6th was just the beginning? Yeah. But I'm ending it there. But let's hear some clips from this episode. This is a really fun one. Absolutely. He said everyone that is involved. So let's just hear it. This is your B-B-B-B-B-B-Bone!

Clip. I'm so mad I missed the beginning. He's an underwater deep sea diver, I believe. Do you dive or do you just travel around? Not really. Do you just go into the like sphere kind of thing? What do you call that? The undosphere? Yeah, the undosphere. Yeah.

It depends what the specific job is, but yeah, sometimes I get out in the water by myself, but most times I'm in the Undosphere. So you're scooting around in the Undosphere, usually. I don't call it scooting around. Does that have like those carnival game pickup arms where you can pick up the treasure, you know? Carnival game pickup arms? You know, the kind where it's like you're directing with a joystick. I know what you mean, but I want you to explain it more. But does it have two of those and opposable thumbs and the rest? No.

So that you can pick up treasure on the bottom of the ocean? I mean, I don't really need opposable thumbs on them. It's not like he's going to open a beer or something. Could you open a beer in the endosphere? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You're just never going to?

I mean, it's not wise. That would be so cool to like find a beer, you know, like a beer that the Titanic, you know, just, you know, was sunk with it. You gotta mention the Titanic, huh? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh boy. But, but to use both of those two arms and crack open the beer and just be like, of course we've done that. Oh,

It's fun. I'm not going to lie. But you were lying earlier. You were like, you've never cracked open a beer in the Undosphere. Really? With the Undosphere? Sure. With it? No. I take my job very seriously. This is like what the definition of is is. I allow myself to have a big cigar at the end of a big underwater treasure hunt.

If I am successful. If I'm not, I do not have that cigar. Really? Okay. He also does sound a little like Bill Clinton, so that wasn't completely a hit of a run. I'm sick of hearing that, man. I'm sorry. You sound like another Bill as well. I do not sound like Bill Clinton. Start putting your thumb up like this. He's from Arkansas. I'm from Texas, man. Oh, that's right. Oh, let me introduce you. Please. He is, he toodles around in the under sphere. You made it worse. From scooting to tootling.

Come on, man. But primarily he is, we know him as a treasure hunter. That's right. He's been on the show many times. Too many. You may know him as the guy who almost found the something. The Cordula Mare. Cordula Mare, yes. Ah, yes, the Cordula Mare. Cordula Mare, the jewel of the ocean, is that what it is? The heart of the ocean. He almost found it, but an old lady threw it off the side of a boat. Please welcome back to the show, Brock Lovett. Yeah. Hello. She tricked me.

Yeah. Never forget. I'm glad she's dead. She kept it underneath that frilly lace bodice that she was wearing. Frilly lace bodice? What am I trying to say? What are you trying to say? She kept it around her neck, right? Yeah, it's a necklace. And she didn't, but no, I'm saying her dress. Her nightgown. Yeah, her nightgown. Was she wearing a nightgown? I don't remember. It was a long time ago.

Back in the 90s, right? Yeah, back in the 90s. I wasn't memorizing what everyone was wearing when I'm trying to find treasure. Wait, turn around. What am I wearing? I don't care. A barrel with straps? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

That reminds me of the joke I sent into Reader's Digest when I was young. Oh, man. About a man walking down the road and he sees someone with a shirt he really likes. And he goes, hey, where'd you get that? And the person says, JCPenney. And then he walks down the road a little further and he sees someone with pants he really likes. He goes, hey, where'd you get that? And he says, JCPenney. Then he sees someone walking down the road and he sees someone else with a barrel and two straps. And he goes, what's going on with you? He goes, I'm JCPenney. Okay. Okay.

Let's walk through the problems. Okay, sure. I loved it. What do you mean? First of all, the delight on your face. That's a problem? Secondly, I mean, it's not clear...

At first it makes you think, well, wait, if he's JCPenney, why is the company doing so poorly when people are buying stuff from him? And then you're like, oh, no, no, he's just a guy named JCPenney. A guy named JCPenney. Now that I'm walking through it, it does have some issues. Yeah, the ones I mentioned. No, no, no, but I got one more, which is like, did JCPenney only have one shirt and one pair of pants to sell?

I guess so. Was he waiting around for someone to come and be like, hey. You're combining the two problems into one problem. Am I? So, okay. The thing is, what this guy's trying to say, right? This little kid said it. By the way. Little kid. When you were a little kid, you wrote this joke. I'm assuming. I didn't write the joke, by the way. I heard the joke and said I'll send it in. Or did I write it? I can't remember. Anyway. Wow. What?

You stole a joke and you submitted it to Reader's Digest? Reader's Digest would take all jokes that were old jokes. How dare you? They would take all jokes? They would take all jokes. Not my joke.

Any joke. Any joke you've ever heard. Inside joke with your family. Whatever. We'll take it. I'd like to think that they're... Once we've printed before. Who cares? Rip out the page and send it back to us. I'd like to think that there are literal joke writers crafting jokes for Reader's Digest. I mean, those jokes got to come from somewhere like street jokes that people tell each other. Yeah, street jokes. Somebody has to invent that, you know? Yeah, true. I invented one when I was a kid, but I can't remember. You invented a street joke? Why didn't you send that one in?

It was long. In fact, my parents and I had a long discussion about the JCPenney one, about would they print a brand name in Reader's Digest? Really? They were like, we might not get the rights. That's probably why they didn't do it. I just remember that. Anyway, Brock, great to see you. Great to see you, I guess. Thanks for coming.

Oh, yeah. No, but what are you here for? What's going on with you, Brock? Have you found any new treasure? No. Oh, old treasure? Wow. I mean, most treasure is old treasure. Is that what you meant? Did I find anything that became treasure in the last week? Yeah. No. Usually it's like... What's the newest treasure out there? Oh, that's a good question. The newest treasure. Like microchips? Yeah. Microchips are... No, there's no microchip that's treasure yet. Okay. When will it be treasure? Sorry.

Man, probably another hundred years. Okay. And I'm talking the earliest microchips.

Oh, okay. Gotcha. Like the ones from the 70s or 80s. What do you call those? The Texas Instruments. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Those are 50 years old. In 100 years, a Texas Instrument microchip will be... I can't fucking talk today. Man, I think you're micro-tripping right now. I know. I can't goddamn talk today. You're macro-tripping. I'm macro-tripping on a major level. I've been macro-dosing lately. You've ever tried this? Yeah, I've just been dosing. Yeah, you take like a big amount of LSD and then you just take it.

Anyway, I'm a little down in the dumps. Yeah, what's going on? No old treasure, no new treasure? What's happening? I don't know where. I can't find any treasure lately. Have you been going out into the water? Yeah, of course I have. You know that's my whole thing. Yeah, because you like wet treasure. I only like treasure that's underwater. Under the sea. That's right. That's where it's hotter. Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry to... I feel like you're making light of my sad feelings. I think you're very annoyed with Scott. Is there some history here? Well, he's an annoying guy. Is there history here? I feel like if you listen to this show, you'll notice some people, rightfully, get very annoyed with him. I wish Cal Solomon were here. And others...

have, I don't know, a different training, I guess. And so they just treat all of his questions like they're real good questions. Yeah. I mean, I was answering his questions earlier. Do I have good training? I mean, I guess you do. I mean, he's trying to derail you at every turn. He's been to like publicity school and he's, I'm sure. Yeah, I have been to publicity school. It's a four year program. What? Four years? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four years. Just wow. There's a whole class on were there any pranks pulled on the set? Ha ha.

There's another one about... What are they, by the way? That is a question I... Describe the show in three words. How do you balance work and family? Who's the biggest prankster on the boys? Is it Carl Urban? Exactly right. Actually, yeah. Big time.

Thank you. I like saying his name. I thought that was a country guy, Carl Urban. Carl? No, that's Keith Urban. That's Keith Urban. You don't think. Are they related? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm having a flashback right now. Everything's lining up. Wait, and isn't Keith Urban, is he married to Nicole Kidman? Is Carl Urban married to Natalie Kidman? No.

Have I been working with Natalie Kidman this whole time? Wait, why are they the same person now? I don't know. I can't fucking talk to them. Is he trying to condemn his own show? I'm macro-tripping, man. I'm macro-tripping. To his parents? Yeah. Pretending he's married? Hey, did you know Mrs. Doubtfire is based on a book? Yeah, I heard that recently. That blew my mind. Imagine reading that book. Yeah.

Then he has to run into the other room and put on the makeup again. But he only does it half-assed. A full chapter on the drug life, fruiting. Breaking down the physics of it. Do you think in the book they're like, and the new husband who looks remarkably like Pierce Brosnan. It's a big pitch. Was he a husband? I can't remember. I've never seen that movie. I think he was a boyfriend, was he not? He was trying to horn in. Yeah, he was trying to horn in. He saw an opportunity. Hard.

Did they end up together? Trying to horn in on this woman living her life. Yeah. Was it Sally Field? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was. And who ends up with her at the end? I don't know. It can't be they get back together. I've never seen. No, she's like, no, I love you, Mrs. Doubtfire. Oh, so. I'm in love with Mrs. Doubtfire. And they just bump nubs? And they just bump nubs. Whoa. Are you sure that he would go so far into the character work? Yeah.

That he would do something with his genitals like he put on like a latex prosthetic or something to make it look like. I don't know. That's time consuming. It was crazy. The whole thing is time consuming. You don't think that what he did already is not time consuming? That's what I'm saying. And then on top of that, you're going to make fake genitals? All the details are probably in the book. On the off chance your ex-wife falls in love with you and wants to bump nubs. I just don't see it, gentlemen.

Well, it's her first time on the show. Please welcome Tierna. Hi, Scott. Thank you so much. Hi, it's so great to meet you. Thank you. The word that you're looking for is industry. Industry? Spectre? No. Sector? James Bond? Perhaps. Does James Bond work in the spy spectre? I'm not sure. I try not to watch things that are too scary. But what I noticed about you is that you hesitated over the word business, industry.

Because I think it's scepter. It's not. What am I trying to say then? The business. This is legitimately concerning. Sector. I said that already. But that's okay. I feel like one of the things that I've learned from being in this room is that sometimes you don't have

have the words that you need. I haven't had my words all day. It's very difficult to talk this much for so many years without you know, fucking up all the time. I get it. You might just start bleeding. Yeah. Oh. You might. Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? Oh, all

All the time. Nice to meet you. Oh, hi. This is Jack. I'm Jack. This is Jack Wade. He's from... We've met before. I have. ...Storytunes Cartoons. Yep. And it was nice then and it's nice again now. Where did you meet Jack before? Yeah, when did we meet? I'm so sorry. I don't... We met in two swimming pools. What? That were next to each other. Oh, and we like met over the... I don't know. Over the concrete divider? Over the concrete divider, yeah. It was made of bark, actually. Oh. It wasn't concrete because too many little kids hid it.

heads and lost their memories. You know, I think I actually do remember this because I thought it was strange that, I mean, it was two like equally sized pools that were like right next to each other with a separator. And I feel like, you know, oh, there were so many people in both pools. It didn't seem. But it was a COVID and a non-COVID pool? It was a super spreader so that you could get it if you wanted.

Oh, I forgot about that super spreader event that I was invited to. Oh, yeah. You ended up going to that? Yeah, yeah. We were not talking about that. You were like, should I go? Come join us for our super spreader event. And I said, RSVP'd yes. And I guess so did Tiernaut. Wait, I had a question. Please. I want to know more about these kids that hit their heads and lost their memories. Oh, it was a big to-do. Like amnesia? The paper talked about it. Yeah, she did too. Who were these kids? Oh, man. There were so many children from...

All over the province. They all hit their heads, lost their memories, and then swimming pools were outlawed for 25 years. You said province. Is this in Canada? This is in Canada. Are we in Canada? Not currently. Oh, boy, I fell asleep on the plane, I guess. Where did you think you were going? Yeah, well, yeah.

I thought I was going home. And then right back around. I do go to the border often. That's where I get several types of tulips. You can't buy them all within your own country. Like fireworks. You know, when you go to Indiana fireworks because they don't sell them in your state. That's how I am with different types of flowers. When's the last time you got married? Uh, okay. Uh,

What day is it today? I'm worried that Tierna is one of these kids who hit her head on the pool. I think so, but just... I think she sounds cool. Really? Yeah. No, she sounds cool. No one's arguing that she doesn't sound cool. And she, honestly, she looks cool. She looks cool, too. Like, her sense of style and just, yeah, I mean, just everything about her. I sound and look itchy, if you ask me, because I am. I feel it, and I know it. Oh. So, therefore,

things in life that you know more than whether or not you have an itch. That's true. If you have one, you're gonna figure it out. You'll figure it out fast.

Unless you have leprosy, right? Well, hey, jealousy. Hey. That's how I feel whenever somebody has leprosy, and I wish I did as well. But, you know, if wishes were horses, we'd all be cowboys. So we have to figure out a way to be content within ourselves. And that's what I'm here to eventually talk about. Okay. Yeah. Interesting, Tierna. Oh, my God, guys.

Guys, she needs help. What? Yeah. I think she's on a roll. Not with being cool, because she looks, she's so cool. She's very cool, very interesting. Oh, my God. Those sunglasses? Damn. And when she took off the sunglasses, that made her even cooler. And then when she put the sunglasses on her head, I was like, it can't get cooler than this. But then she put them on her feet, and I was like, that's even cool. I didn't even think that could work, but it totally worked. Yeah. It worked. She pulled it off. Anyway. Anyway. Yep. Anyway. Well. Anyway, singing in the rain. The next person coming on the show is.

Uh-oh. Are you taking over? Please. It's best, I think, for your self-esteem if I do it. Yeah. So you know this person from music in New Orleans where they made music, but they died, but they're back. They died? Yeah.

Oh, no. Is this a ghost? Yeah, and I'm scared of it. A g-g-g-g-g-ghost? But I'd love to meet Dr. John. And such a night, dear. Hey, how's everybody going? How's everybody going? We got fusion under the moon. Dr. John's famous catchphrase. How's everybody going? I love that Cajun lingo. How's everybody going? You would say it at the beginning of every concert, too. You go down to Bourbon Street at like 12 o'clock, you hear a lot of how's it going. How y'all going? Right.

What did I even say? I forgot. I can't talk today. How's it going? I believe. How's it going? The ghost is having trouble talking today. Yeah. Hey, the ghost of Dr. John. What's going on? So great to meet you. You passed away relatively recently. Relatively recently, yeah. Do you remember when? You know, I don't remember because... Why would you be pregnant? I don't remember the time when I was passing away because you don't remember the day of your own death. No, it just suddenly happens to you, right? No, it's just like, oh...

Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs. And you're out of here. You don't remember the day you died? No, no. What's the last day you remember? Yeah, last day I remember I was, I don't know, I was on a roof and...

And I just had like a nice beignet in my hand. And I was going, get out of my, get off my property. To some kids that kind of crossed over the wall. I got a big wall on my property. And I said, get out of here. And I had to get on the roof because they were so tall.

And that's the last thing I remember before I woke up in this astral plane. Oh, my God. So you died somehow being on a roof. Yeah, and that's why I'm here today. Oh, that's why you're here today. Yeah, I mean, I got some unfinished business. Will this help you ascend into the homeland? Yeah, into the homeland. Everybody's naked there, but nobody cares. So here's the deal. Walt Disney Corporation...

Walt Disney Corporation told me I'd be out of the princess or the frog in Princess and the Frog. They've been up to a lot lately. Yeah. A lot of tricky business, especially in Florida. Oh, man. Don't even get me started. I am up to date on current events. I just can't remember the day that I died. Okay, you should just go check. I read the paper, the ghost paper, every day. Oh, yeah.

Is that about ghosts or just for ghosts? It's about ghosts, but there's a little column in the back that says, you know what? In the mortal world, this happened. I know about January 6th. Instead of obituaries, do they have births? Yeah, they're like, this person was born today. They're going to cause some shit.

Eventually they'll get here. When ghosts get new agents and stuff? Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of breaking stories about like, oh man, they got poached by UTA. Sometimes they just say when someone's been offered a role, which is wild to me. Yeah, it hasn't even closed. They've been offered the role. Do you think that's to shame them into accepting it? Yeah, like they're like, oh shoot, the ghost paper reported it. I got to do it. Yeah. Were you ghosts all upset when that movie Casper came out? Oh, yeah.

pissed off. Yeah, and the sixth sense. Anytime there's a movie about a ghost. I was not currently dead when Casper was out. I was mad when I became a ghost. I was like, wait a second. This is offensive. That was the first thing you thought of when you became a ghost. When I died, I did not remember what happened to me on that roof. And then I said to myself, Casper was a little bit rough. Yeah. Didn't age well.

And then I was dead. Wait, you were upset that it didn't age well? It didn't age well for ghosts. I mean, obviously at the time, everyone loved it. But then with the benefit of hindsight, you look back and you're like, wait a minute. You couldn't make it today. This is a family movie about a dead child. It would be real. B-b-b-b-b-bonus! Clip. All right. That was, uh...

That was a really fun bonus clip. During that, we found out that Tyrna, played by Tawny Newsome, was a malignant, apparently, because she had come in shimmy style. A malignant. She'd come in shimmy style earlier as someone who loves talking about music, because we were talking about music. Right. And when we stopped talking about music, she left. That's right. And then she became, she was Tyrna. You heard Tyrna be a very confused individual.

We then established that she was a malignant. If you haven't seen Malignant, check it out. Where she – when she turned around, she was the other character. Yeah, yeah. And I like Jack Quaid's commitment to doing characters. Jack Quaid is another person. We talked about Tatiana Maslany being a fan and then being on the show. Jack was another person who I believe was a fan as a kid listening as a teenager. Yeah.

And now he's been on the show. And the first time he was on the show was to promote Star Trek. And I never expect the celebrities to ever then do characters. No, I mean, I can't. I'm trying to think of anybody else who. Every once in a rare while, someone will say, you don't want me to do a character, do you? And I go, no, no, don't worry. You're just yourself. They're very frightened of it.

But Jack was one with his very first episode. He came on and said, okay, and then I'm going to come back and I'm going to be this character. And he just really wanted to do another character. And it's been great. Every episode he's done, he's done a character on it. And it's really fun. Yeah, it's really fun to hear him do that. And of course his catchphrase, how's everybody going? Yeah.

All right, let's take a break. When we come back, I promise we're going to crack the top 10. Okay. Are you happy now? Dildos? All right, dildos. We'll see you. We'll be right back with more comedy back after this.

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Comedy bang bang. Oh man, we're back and we're, uh, can you believe we're going to do it? I can't believe it. I mean, we, most best ofs are 10. If you're lucky. If you're lucky. Sometimes it'll be, it'll be two. That's a bad show. Best of. We've done three episodes. Let's do a best of. One sucked. The other two are okay. Here they are.

But we're going to crack the top 10 now. This is so freaking awesome. So look, the other seven that you've heard about, they're fine. They're fine. And you know what I wanted to say about the bonus clip? I really, when that person got chosen by random-

I was like, oh, let's see what they chose. And they chose that episode, Star Toon Cartoon. And I was like, well, it's not in the top 17. And in fact, it was going to be number 22 is where it landed on the actual countdown. But I listened back to it to pull the clip. And in my opinion, it's just as good as any of the other episodes, like really funny stuff in it. That's what was so good about this year was even the stuff that isn't in the top. That's why we did a top 17. Yeah, but it's not – but the –

It's top 10 for a reason. You know what I mean? I know. People know of a top 10. I know, but there's so many good episodes is what I was trying to say. Oh, sure. We could have done a top 50. Oh, sure. But that's... Then you're talking about... That would be stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. That's every episode except for two of them. It's stupid. It's stupido, as Mario would say. As Mario says, stupido, he mutters it under his breath at Donkey Kong. It's stupido. Even though... That's Spanish. I'm realizing now. But hey, not out of character for Mario to do something like that, I would say. No. Didn't in a recent, like the most recent Mario Brothers game...

He says Ba-fung-goo. Ba-fung-goo. All right, let's just do it. Let's crack the top 10. This is your choice for episode number 10. Number 10. All right. Now the numbers are normal, too. This is why top 10 is the best. Yeah. It's the most desired real estate in a countdown.

All right, this is episode 765. Okay, so we're in the mid to early 700s. Early, late 700s. Early, late? 60s? It's not so far from 750s. Early, late 700s. I see what you're saying, yes. You're right. This is from July 11th, 2022. And this is an episode entitled Pirate Ship Energy.

Pirate Ship Energy, let me tell you who's involved. You have Adam Pally. Yes. Adam Pally, who people will know from Happy Endings as well as...

The show with John Gabrus, who also was there. They were promoting their show, which is called 101 Places to Party Before You Die, I believe. Correct. We have Ben Rogers. Correct. And we have Lisa Gilroy. There we go. Dynamite lineup. Dynamite lineup. Dynamite, dynamite. This was the episode Adam and John, they had their TV show. So John is usually...

Comes on as his one character, Intern Gino. He's done two other characters over the years, but once. Once in England, he did one for Lord Dennis Mear or something. I think for about five minutes. Yeah, five or ten minutes. And then he was like, no, it's me, Gino. Then he turned into Gino. But he did do another character once, Sports Guy, one of the Sports Guys, yeah. One of the Sports Guys. Yeah, that was with, oh, who was it with? I don't recall, but you can look it up. Okay. Paul, you can look it up.

I'm welcome to do my own research. But he was playing himself because he had a television show to promote. So that was fun. He did go do Gino during this episode, but... He went and did Gino. We're going to hear Ben Rogers doing Jack Furze. Did I talk about Jack Furze? Did he make the countdown before? I believe he has. Okay. I believe he has. So I told the story of how Jack Furze came about, which was Ben auditioning for the Between Two Ferns movie. The only thing we...

auditioners was you work for a local news station and

doing something. That was it. And he came in as a cameraman who very obviously it was a Peter Parker situation was taking pictures and video of a vigilante named the Nightwolf. So he's been on the show several times in his, the lore of the Nightwolf expands every time he's on the show. It's such a funny character. It's so funny. It's such a great idea. So we're going to hear some of that, some of the Jack Furze Nightwolf saga and,

Then John Gaber says, Gino. And then Lisa Gilroy, this is her first time on the countdown. She's going to be Bethany Waterbottle. And that's pretty crazy. So we're going to hear two clips, Jack Furs and Bethany Waterbottle.

Let's hear it. This is your number 10. Number 10. Let's talk to him. He's been on the show before. He's a photographer. Welcome back to the show, Jack Furze. Hey, Scott. Hey. Thanks so much for having me. Great to see you. Yeah. Still in Blackberry Salad before you came in here by any chance? A lot of seeds in that salad. Is that better? Yeah. A lot. A lot. A lot.

Crystal. Crystal clear. Great. Hey, great to see you, Jack. This is Adam. This is John. How's it going? Hey, if you guys ever need a camera person on the show, you know. Yeah, you were talking. You were complaining about your camera guy, I heard. I fucking nailed that shit. I mean, that's my job. You're a photographer, but you're a videographer as well, right? That's right. I do more photojournalism. Oh.

Nice. Do you do every party photography? Because we're hopefully going to be able to have a premiere party for the show and could use some – take some shots. That would be great. Yeah, I could set up some cameras if it's a high crime area. Yeah.

You might want to look out. I don't know where you're throwing this party, but a lot of these parties are in some pretty dicey locations, and I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. No, I don't, and I don't want to know. Well, this is a conversation I hear a lot from my uncle, and I'm scared where this is going. I don't know why that has anything to do with photojournalism. Well, I'm not.

I'm just following, you know, stories. If it bleeds, it leads. You cover the crime beat mainly. I mostly do the crime beat. Yeah. Don't read into it too much. Okay. That makes way more sense. The crime beat. No, I'm kidding.

That makes way more sense. He usually, I mean... Hey, you guys seem hopped up on I don't know what, so maybe you're looking into things a little too much. Adam and I got very high before we walked in here. Just a little. I'm wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, so it gives off the impression. Yeah, no, some of the other camera guys are into the tie-dye shit. Me, not so much.

Some of the other guys are into tie-dye. Like wearing it? They wear it. They make it. They sell it? They're doing all sorts of crazy shit. Some of these other fucking whack jobs I run into at the local stations. I don't know how these guys look through a lens finder and find their own fucking feet.

Not like you, though. Yeah, I'm... You're not a tie-dye guy, so that means something else. I'm not a tie-dye guy. Yeah, I don't have time for it. Let's describe what it is for these guys. It is time-consuming to make. Yeah. To buy. To wear. To buy and wear.

It's a buyer wear. Well, it's time consuming to wear. You've been wearing that for about, you know, half an hour. A whole day. A whole day. So it's very time consuming. Half an hour. We've been talking for 40 minutes. You bought this shirt on 10 minutes ago. I walked in here naked. A little too flashy, too. It came in like Terminator. It came in fully naked.

and pulled that off of Dead Hippie. When I shoot your guy's show, I'm going to blend in, and thanks for bringing me aboard. I really needed a job. You have no idea. I have no idea what your skill set is, but you have no idea how you are probably better than 50% of the people who work on our show.

Are you IATSE? I'm in multiple unions, and if not, I'm in good standing. That's good. I don't know what that means. The interesting thing about your style is a lot of it, it's sort of, I don't know what you would call it, verite or something, but it's normally like, it seems like the camera is affixed to a building and stationary in a way. Yeah, quite often.

And the camera is Kind of leaned On a rooftop Right And we're all Just catching something In the frame Catching things that fly by Like this guy The Nightwolf

I've talked about him before on this show. Oh, yeah, you mentioned him on this show a couple of times. Yeah, I won't get into it. I'm not going to waste everybody's time, but there is a guy kind of cleaning up the streets a little bit called the Night Wolf, and he's a bit of a vigilante. And I don't know why anybody's not talking to him, and it might be cool if he showed up on your show. I've never heard of the Night Wolf. Yeah. Well, he's a Los Angeles. Have you done your Los Angeles episodes?

We have not done an LAS. Oh, he would come up on the Los Angeles episode probably. People would probably be talking about him locally. I had never heard of him. Is he like a superpower thing or is he more like a Batman, like a vengeance Batman? Yeah, it's kind of both. Both? Yeah. Does he have superpowers? I don't know that this has ever come up. I think like- Like magic? As far as like courage goes, in a way that's a bit of a superpower. To me, I think he's-

I think his courageousness and his bravery is... And his intelligence, perhaps. For sure, Scott, that's a good point. He seems smart as hell. Is he able to mutate? Can he walk through walls or fly? Is there any sort of metaphysical... It's a mystery, Adam. We don't really know.

You're just guessing at this point because you're in the media and you've caught him on tape a few times. Yeah. You're one of the only people who has met Mitch. I'm the only guy who's really been able to grab him. And that's just because of Jack. So a guy named Jack Fur is the only guy who's lost the night. That's first. Oh, first. Okay. Nevermind then. I thought I was going to connect to that. Okay.

Well, I'm familiar with the surname Furs. Yeah, of course. Have you heard about this guy, the Cross Puzzler? No, the Cross Puzzler? Yeah, really. What is that? Who is that? Well, he's got me in a bit of trouble, Scott. He sent these threatening puzzles to the mayor and...

and some other city officials. Yeah, Garcetti himself. And they're full of, I guess if you answer these crossword puzzles, it's kind of a challenge to the Nightwolf. And

If they would have answered them correctly, it would have really put the Nightwolf into the headlines. But some of these questions, it's almost as if the cross puzzler just put it into a computer program and it had multiple options. And they can kind of equal some pretty scary stuff. And these guys thought their lives were threatened. And somehow the federal authorities traced it back to me, Jack Furr.

That's weird. Yeah. How did they trace it back to you? I mean. God, I don't know. This is some sort of conspiracy. Is it the cross puzzler? Like, oh, this is a level that. My cross puzzler, by the way, is Jesus Christ. Yeah. I hope so. He's always like, what are you on? I don't think he figured that thing out. How does this thing work? Ouch. Bethany, you're a 14-year-old bully from. It's Bethany.

Sorry, Stephanie? Bethany. That's what I said, didn't I? Like Beth, like Bethlem. That's what I said, Bethany. Bethany. What am I saying wrong? Bethany water bottle, say it, pig. Bethany water bottle. All right, you got it. Okay, great.

So you're a 14-year-old bully from the UK? Yeah, from London town. And who do you bully? Everyone I can get me hands on. You know why? As I said before, government can't stop me because I'm from the water bottle family. Me dad, Dasani. Me mum, Fuji. Me uncle, Avian. You can't mess with us, can you? They work there? Breaking all the cash in the water short. Their first names are the brands of all the water bottles? My sister, Crystal Geyser. Me other sister, Valley Spring. Oh my God, you're so connected. I know which sister is cheap there. Yeah!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Pull down your trousers. These trousers? Okay. Let me touch the eyeball. And I just used hand sunny. Oh. There's a little burn for your pig. Should I pull up my trousers now? And trousers are pants, right? I'm going to stop filming this.

So you've come to our country to bully us? What exactly? I'm trying to get a handle on you. Yeah. What exactly are you here for? I guess I'm on a bullying rampage because I can't be stopped and my family don't care, do they? Everybody got a war bull name except for me, Bethany. Adopted. Oh, so you were adopted, really? Oh, I'm so sorry. Adopted into the war.

a crime family so they wouldn't have to pay me real wages treat me like a child labourer and all that isn't it huh so your family adopted you so they wouldn't have to pay you so they needed an employee they weren't dying for another child got it they already had your sister's arrowhead in Poland Springs Crystal Geyser so they wouldn't even give me a proper name Crystal Geyser is one of the only fans accounts I follow she throws a tarp down and then makes a mess excuse me what do you say about my sister put your trousers back on okay

Put it back on. Jesus Christ. I'm a little sweaty, so it's hard to pull them up and down that much. Pull them up higher. Higher? Okay. How's this? Does it hurt? I feel like a high school offensive line coach with my shorts this high. I got this fupa going. Keep them up really high and everyone else take your pants completely off and put them in my basket. I'm not putting my pants in your basket. Because I can tell you're going to tick me off.

more time so better spare me say and take off your trousers and just take them off now. I've got random furry stuff underneath my pants. Just to let everybody know. I lost the bet earlier this morning. Oh, I understand. Yeah, alright, let's take our pants. Here we go. In the pants basket they are. Alright, there we are. I'm over here touching my own eyes. I learned something I like over here. Oh, these trousers stink, don't they? I mean, one of them I think does. Okay.

That could be anybody. I think it's you, Jack. I'm wearing a lot of layers today. I just guessed the weather wrong. L.A.'s crazy like that. It's cold in the morning. L.A.'s famous for the weather being hard to nail down.

So are you traveling to other countries to try to get a message out? Or are you, I mean, what are you doing while you're here? I mean, and how long are you here? So many questions. Good question, Scoot. You know what I'm doing? Oh, man, that hurts. She's a fucking professional bully. She's got cuts to the core. Fuck.

I'm on a bullying rampage, I guess because I've had my feelings of having been really included in my family. So going on a world tour would have caused as much pain as I've felt, innit? Years and years working in the factory for my family as an adopted little Bethany. You know when the top of a water bottle has a little white lid on it?

Sure. Speak when spoken to, pig. Put your trousers back. Put them on. Oh, shit. Okay, I'm putting it back on. Those are Jack's trousers. Oh, yeah. Yeah, put on the stinky ones.

They smell like smoke bombs just out of my eye. Now, Bethany, I had a quick question. You said you work for the crime family in the water bottle factory? The water bottle family is a bit of a crime family because they know the water supply is going to dry up and then they're going to be like the different sections of a mafia.

But because they haven't given me a proper title, I'm just out here on my own. Like I said, years of work in the factory, putting the little white lids on. But you know the part that's like the little ring around the white lid? Yeah, that connects it. The bed tears away when you say, sorry! Trousers up round your neck. Oh, God. Now he's hard again. Well, that was my job. Can I put my trousers around my neck? No, you may not. Just the belt? Okay, I'm doing it anyway for kicks.

I was the only one in my family with fingers little enough to put the little ring around the top of the water bottle. Oh, this is some Snowpiercer shit. Get in there, work your bones off, won't you, Bethany? Can you blame me when after ten years of that all I want to do is, oh, 50 cups and pound donut and dick slaggers and trousers, huh? You started doing that at the age of four? Hey, your parents, is your dad dead? Hey, you shouldn't ask someone that. Sorry.

Only you should ask. He just passed. Oh, no. The CBB curse strikes again. Did he kill himself because his name was Fuji and that isn't a water bottle? My mom's name's Fuji. My dad's Dasani. My uncle Evian. My sister Crystal Geyser. My other sister Valley Spring. My brother Tap.

Tap. Oh, man, I'd hate to be tapped. Tap. You know what? It's a sad thing about tap. Stillborn. Oh. But you still bring him up when people ask you about your family. But no, he's not dead, is he? Just stillborn. Oh, he still was born. He's not sparkling, is what I'm saying. Oh, I understand now.

Number 10. Yes. Wait, wasn't there a previous episode with Lisa? No. This is the first one? This is her first. She did one other episode this year, which did not make the top 17. Sorry. Yes. Okay. I remember now why I was confused. It's an internal thing and of no concern to the listener. You have cancer? Yeah, I have internal cancer. The worst kind of thing.

No one can see it, so they don't believe me. Oh, I'm like that writer. No, this is Lisa's debut on the countdown, cracking the top 10. And...

Yeah, very funny. Lisa is a relatively new addition to the podcast. She did one episode the year before with Christian Brune. Oh. And maybe you? I can't remember. But definitely Christian. No, because I met her for the first time recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...

That was very funny. And after those clips, by the way, Adam Pally then came back on as Johnny Depp, who had just been called innocent or whatever he was. She caught me on the door. It's very funny. The whole episode is very funny. I mean, you got four great people who have great energy and everyone is funny. Hold on a second, Scott. You made a mistake. Five great people.

Oh, who else was there? You. Oh, I forgot about him. That's right. Forgot about Dre. You're an important part of the show. Oh, that's true. Never forget it. I won't forget it. Do I do this show? I immediately forgot. Does he sing Jeremy Beeman?

I threw that into a show the other day. Someone had the exact same reaction. I was like, does he sing Jeremy Piven? Someone said, does he sing Jeremy Piven? I was like, wow, it still works. Why was he asking that in the first place? I don't know. I forget how it started. What a weird thing to want to know.

It was Zach said it. Oh, right. Does he sing? Jeremy Piffin? Who cares? That's right. There's your answer. Who gives a shit? All these years later, let me give a legitimate answer to your question. Who cares?

Oh, good episode. And good to hear from Lisa, who's been a great addition. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we have one more clip to play. We'll be, we're in the top 10 now, baby. We're about to crack the top nine. We're in the good stuff. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Are you catching the big game?

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We're still here. Still standing. Better than we ever did. We're still standing. I watched that Elton John from Dodger Stadium show. Did you watch that? No, how was it? It was good. He still is an amazing pianist. He still sounds great. Anytime he gets up to walk, he looks like he's in incredible pain. Like a little infirm. Yeah. How old is he now? 152. Oh, well, God bless him. Yeah. Pretty lady. Yeah.

He famously got his stage name from sitting on a toilet. What? John. No. I believe so. What? His name is Reggie something. Reginald Dwight. Reginald Dwight. And he was trying to come up with a stage name and he was sitting on a toilet. He's like, John.

That's, I refuse to believe. And David Bowie was sitting on a Bowie knife. His real name, of course, David Jones. That's right. Davy Jones. He couldn't be Davy Jones because of the monkeys. Davy Jones' real name is David Bowie. It's so strange. They could have just swapped. They could have been themselves. Yes. They should have talked to each other. Yeah.

But they didn't have each other's number. No. Yeah. No. They were both English though. There were only, there were not that many phones in England at the time. So they might not even have phones. There were, if you've seen Downton Abbey, you know that episode where they finally install a phone. They're like, why would anyone want to contact us at all? There were three phones in 1967. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In all of England. Yeah. And they all called each other all the time. Even, and they didn't necessarily have anything to say to each other or like each other. But it's like, what else are you going to do? Yeah. Yeah.

If you got this phone. Exactly. It's like, it's fun to talk on the phone. It's fun to talk on the phone. Let's call one of the other two people who have phones. God, I can't stand talking on the phone. I used to love it. I know. Used it for hours. Yes. Now it's the worst thing in the world. Now if somebody calls me, I'm like, who's calling me? Who the fuck would ever? Fun detour. Yeah. My mom called me.

Don't call me mom. I'm assuming. Don't call me mother. I'm assuming it's bad news. True. Text me to give me a heads up that you just wanted to talk. One of my sisters would leave. She used to leave messages like that. They were like, hey, call me when you can. And it was never bad news, but it always sounded like, you know, I have to talk to you because someone has died. I don't.

I've not revealed this story, by the way. You know, when I broke my ankle? This is a sclusi? Famously, I've told the story on Threedom of how my- A sclusi from UC! Yes, of how I broke my ankle. Yeah. But I've never revealed this detail. Right before the game of pickleball that I was playing, I got a text from my mom that said-

We are in crisis mode over here. I did tell you this? Okay, this is typical Threedom. We're in crisis mode over here. We're in crisis mode. Are you sure I didn't just tell you this personally? Maybe you did. Maybe you did. And so I was distracted by that. Crisis.

because they're both older. Yes. And I was like, oh no. And I wrote back, what's going on? And then I turned on my phone so I could hear if she happened to call or text or something. But then I waited around for a bit. I was like, okay, let's just start the game. I broke my, I was playing pickleball. I went for a ball. I broke my ankle. And the minute I did, I went, ah, and suddenly she called and I had to hobble over to the phone and,

To see what had happened to them. And their printer had run out of paper. Crisis on infinite printers. So if you are a parent out there and an elderly parent, don't say you're in crisis mode. No, when it's about a fucking printer. Let me say this very quickly. Um,

Sports with the name ball in them are mostly... You can just get rid of the ball. They're terribly named. Basketball? Absolutely. We get it. There's always a ball in them. I'm going to say basketball earns it. No, just call it basket. I think basketball is okay. But baseball, no. Base. Bat ball would be better. Oh. Wait, so you like the ball part? Yeah.

You don't like the descriptor of what type of ball it is? Yeah, I'm saying if you're going to... Basketball makes sense because it's like you throw this ball in the basket. Baseball could have been called running bases, but that's a different game. What about stadium ball? Well, then you're not... Because you hit the ball into the stadium, much like you throw the ball into the basket for basketball. Football should be called tackle. Yeah. Should just be called tackle. Goal ball. Touchdown ball.

Touchdown ball, sure. I like touchdown ball. Touchdown ball. Touchdown ball. Hey, let's go play some touchdown ball. Touchdown ball. But football doesn't make any sense. When they already knew there was another sport called football. I know, and not only that, but you don't even fucking use your feet all that much. One guy does. One little guy does. And not even well. No, he sucks. He sucks. He fucking sucks. He sucks. Get rid of him.

All right. Let's crack the top nine. Here it is. This is your choice for episode number nine. Number nine. All right. This is an episode number 755. We are really early in the mids. Early mids. Yes. And it's from May 2, 2022. And I don't know if that says anything to you. May to win. What?

May to when 2022? May to when? No. May to... When does it end? May to 1159 on May 2. That's a long episode. Starts at 1201? This is an episode called the 13th anniversary show. Oh boy, oh boy. Yes. You know, these anniversary shows, they're bananas. Some people say they should be excluded from...

competition because... Because they're so packed. They're so packed with people that it's hard not to vote for them. But I'll tell you what. What do you feel about that? These two are not that high up on the countdown. I mean, you had number 13 and number nine. So, I mean, I think that's pretty representative. I think...

I think they're funny. I listen to them all. I mean, of course. But I mean, they're so stacked that it's like, should they be excluded from competition because- I don't think so. Okay. That's all I'm asking. I don't think so. People love these episodes. And sometimes they're higher and sometimes they're lower. I don't know.

I wish that we were able to throw the live episodes. We did, we did a 20 some odd live shows this year and they're all up on cbbworld.com. And I was going to have a separate poll for what was your favorite live episode. And it just didn't happen. Plus we're doing a top 17. We have enough and a bonus. We have enough stuff. Some very defensive. Fuck you. You personally. No, that's how I took it. Yeah.

All right. This was the 13th anniversary show from May 2. We had been in the backyard for now four months at this point. And this was our first... Almost out of exposure. Our first... Hypothermia. This is our first in-studio episode back after the backyard era.

Um, we're going to hear a bunch of clips from this. We're going to hear, uh, Dan Lippert as Bill Walton. Okay. These are the people involved. At least some of them. Dan Lippert. Paul F is in it. Hi. Lily Sullivan. Tim Baltz. Hi. Ego Wotum. This is her first time on the countdown. Sean Diston and Will Hines. Hi.

We're going to hear Bill Walton. That's Dan Lippert as Bill Walton, the basketball announcer and former player. Excuse me. I always cough when I say Bill Walton. That's weird. Oh, you didn't just then. That's good. Yep. And we're going to hear from Big Chunky Bubbles. That's Paul as Big Chunky Bubbles, who is a soup artist, soup bubble artist. Soup bubble artist. We're going to hear Francesca Bolognese. That's Lily Sullivan.

I'm so hungry right now and I wish I hadn't heard that name. Well, hey, we're going to take a lunch break after this. It actually made my stomach gurgle. You have, I don't think we're going to hear a clip from this, but Tim Baltz is doing a new character, Richie Castlebaum. And then we're going to hear Ego doing pasta, pasta. So let's hear those clips. This is your number nine. Number nine. Please welcome back to the show, Bill Walton. Hello, Bill. Hello.

Oh, yeah! 13 and feeling me, Scotty Ox. Turn down your phones, everyone. Turn down your phones. Wow. How are you, Bill? Oh, what a fantastic day. What a fantastic 13th year. I cannot wait...

I have already mangled my microphone stand. You spoke so loud the microphone stand broke. Yes. Is that what happens? In old cartoons when people sang opera, glasses would shatter. When I speak, microphone stands go slightly awry. This is one of the great anniversaries, is it not? One of the best anniversaries! He just set you up here. One of the best we've ever seen from the...

The Silver Anniversary, which is one of my favorites. Two. Oh, let's see. Ta-da!

I know we all need to help out. We all need to chip in. The anniversary party. Oh, yes. One of the great slow played marvels of theater. Written by, I believe, the fantastic. Let me pull this name out real quick. He did Betrayal. He's not a house painter, but you take off a letter and he's. House painter? Oh, I'm sorry. No, in the painter word.

Oh, yes, Harold Paint, one of the great... And we take a quick beat as the jokes would do if you're in the theater school. Harold Painter, pause. One of the great painters. Yes, one of the great painters, but he did not paint houses. He painted emotional trauma onto stage as played by some of the fantastics. Not Joel Grey, of course. One of the great...

From Fifty Shades of to... From Fifty Shades of to Xanadami. Did she play Michi? Xanadami is Michi. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Lucky 13. Many hamburgers to you, of course. Many hamburgers to you.

Big Chunky Bubbles. Big Chunky Bubbles, that's my name. I feel like I haven't spoken to you since perhaps a live episode three years ago before the pandemic. I don't keep track of when I talk to you. Surprise, surprise. Who do you keep track of that you talk to? Well, my wife, my kids. Give me the stats on your wife's chats. Well, you know she's passed. Oh, that's right. But I still talk to her. Oh, I see. Do you make a trip out to the graveyard or do you just do it around the house?

Which answer would you like to make fun of more, Mr. Sensitive? I just find it interesting that most people, you know, they think that if they're not in the graveyard's, you know, like 10 feet radius of the actual grave. How do you, 10 feet? What are you, who's... Six feet, six feet, sorry. Who's standing six feet away from the grave to talk to it? I mean, meaning they're six feet down. What? Six feet under, my dear boy. Yeah, I get that. One of the great...

Series finales of all time, wouldn't you say, Scott? Sure. Six feet under. Oh, from the end of Lost, which we all loved, to the beginning of Lost, which was a finale to my free time on Tuesday nights. So, Big Junkie Bubbles, how is your pandemic? We haven't spoken since before. How is my pandemic? Yes. Yes.

What do you want me to ask you? Have you gotten less good at interacting with people since quarantine? You're trying to say that of course it was bad, and so why am I even asking? Of course it was. Well, that's not strictly true. It was actually pretty good for me. So then it's a good time.

It's a good question. Shut up. Why was it good for you, Big Chunky Bubble? Because I was... You don't have to say my whole stage name every time. All right, I'm sorry, BCB. You can call me Petey. That's my name. Oh, yeah, Petey Amin. Petey Amin, yes.

Petey, first of all, before we go into how your pandemic was, which I hear is pretty good, for new listeners, you are an artist. There can't be new listeners to this show. No, we're just shedding listeners like the virus. Like the uterine lining. You are a person. Why is that the first thing I think of when I hear the word shedding? Okay.

I don't have a period. Why should I be thinking that? Why is that rattling around in your nose? I don't like it. Oh, big junkie, everyone should be sympathetic to the shedding of the uterine lining. Yeah. It affects at least half of the world's population. Well, it affects the other half of when you can have sex or not, so. A little lesson about Scotty Boy, not for Bill Walton. I'm a night shed or not.

It's not about sympathy. It's just I don't want to think about it all the time. All the time? Well, when I hear the word shedding. How many times are people saying shedding? I don't know. A lot. I know a lot of people who have snakes. Okay. That's another thing that I want to talk to you about at some point, but not today. But you are an artist. You perform at children's parties. I'm a children's entertainer.

And you... What distinction were you going to make? I can't remember if you've performed at adult parties either, but you simply do children parties. I'm primarily a children's entertainer. And you entertain them by making giant bubbles. They're big, chunky bubbles. That's right. That I make out of soups and stews. Instead of soaps. Instead of soaps. And maybe there's a stews parallel as well. Instead of soaps and...

I don't know. You really don't. You're making soups and stews. Yes, I'm making soups and stews. Then I make bubbles from those soups and stews. They are bigger and chunkier than any other bubble. That's right. I know it is. It doesn't go well. You've scalded. Hey! Hey!

How many children have you scalded? I have never. Well. With your piping hot soups. I have hardly ever scalded anyone because I issue warnings at the top of the performance for people to stay back. Also, I know what I'm doing. It's my trade. Right. Yeah. So how many people? Five. That's not bad for a whole career. At one party or at five different parties? At five different parties.

At three different parties. Three different parties. So two at two of those parties. You want me to give you the breakdown? Yes, please. Well, it would have to be two at...

Two at one party. Okay. Two at another party. Yeah. One at the final party. Yeah, what I said. Yeah, exactly. Okay. At the final party? Congrats. Did you say the final party? Are you not doing this at all? The final party where somebody got scalded. I am still in business. You are? Yes. So tell me about the pandemic. What happened? Why was it so great for you? Well, at the wet markets in Wuhan. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, boy. Wait, how much do you know? Zero. I mean, I know that the pandemic, they say it started there. Well, the thing about wet markets is there's a lot of bubbles. And bubbles pop.

I didn't think about that. No one ever does. So you were there. No. No. What? What happened? What do you mean? Do you not know anything about the pandemic? I was thinking that you were saying you were the person who brought it over here to the States. Why would I? Hey, let's say I was. Why would I tell anyone? So what are you trying to say?

I thought you were just completely ignorant of what happened. Oh, I see. You were going all the way back to the beginning. Yes! God damn it, I hate you. I hate you too! Well, thankfully, I've stopped using bat in all my recipes. Oh, yes. Okay, yeah, there was a period. For Halloween, I wouldn't make a bat chowder. LAUGHTER

Well, Big Chunky Bubbles, it's a pleasure to have. You're already winding down? What else do you have? What else do I have? We went through so many detours thanks to you talking about my grandmothers. Let's get to what you want to get to. That's what I'm trying to get to. I want to let people know I've started doing shows for grownups. What? Yes!

This is unprecedented. You've never done this. That's right, Bill. If you come to one of my shows, I'll make sure to stack up eight regular chairs for you to sit on. Oh, baby, baby. I gotta say, edible or not, those soups are going in my mouth the second the room's open. No, no. Yes, sir. Try and stop me. Well, I've started making new bubbles that...

New shapes of bubbles? New shapes. Oh, okay. That are only suitable for adult. Oh, these are a little salty. Boy! Well, they're definitely salty. I mean... Your soups are. I don't know why I still season them. I don't need to. Yeah, since they're not edible. But what shapes are these? The mind reels when I think about it. Well, I mean, you can imagine some of them, right? Like giant balls?

Yes. I mean, most bubbles look like giant testicles. Yeah, but when you put two together. But the secret is you can't have them interlock because that's just two bubbles that are interlocking. Right. You have to make it have the two bubbles have the same relationship to each other that human testicles would. Right. Okay. Do you ever do just one ball and you're like, this is Hitler, and you get a big laugh? No.

Why would I ever introduce Hitler into the show? Because you're a weirdo, BCB. I'm a weirdo? I haven't mentioned Hitler to you once. He is a clergy person in the ministry trying to get out there and save people. Mm-hmm.

And also an enthusiast of a certain type of food. Mm.

Please welcome back to the show, Pasta Pasta. Pasta Pasta, Scott. Pasta Pasta, sorry. I can never know how... Pasta Pasta, Scott. Never quite remember how to pronounce it. And you say it like my identity is separate. Also an enthusiast of pasta. But I'm an enthusiast because I'm a pasta. Right. What's that track for you, Scott? I suppose so, yes. And I apologize. I didn't mean to offend you. But all God's people said fusilli. Fusilli. Fusilli.

All right. Now, for those of you who haven't heard Past to Past is... What the hell are you doing? Yeah, go back and just pause this one. For those of you who haven't heard, pause the episode and go back and listen to the others. And your thing is basically you are a minister who also enjoys pasta. Scott, why are you acting like you don't know? Scott! Ah!

I didn't come here to be antagonistic with you. Of course you didn't. But it seems inevitable. Why you gotta act confused about my identity? I'm not confused. I'm, I'm, or am I getting the facts wrong? You're getting the facts wrong. What, you tell me. What, what am I not saying? I love pasta. Right. I'm also a pasta.

Right. Who preaches about pasta. Right. Understand? I understand it now. Yes, it's full circle. Very good. Very good. Are you doing this on Sundays? I don't know if we've ever talked about what day you're out there. Sundays, Saturdays, sometimes Wednesdays. Sometimes Wednesdays. Yes. Other days I rest. Okay. Wow, that's a lot of time off. And on

on the other four days he rested. Yes. I have always thought that being a minister or being a, you know, a pastor or anything like that, like you're working one day a week. Yeah. It's a pretty sweet gig, right? Well, no, I would, I would say it's not a sweet gig. And honestly, Scott, I don't mean to bring the mood down here at this beautiful, joyous occasion. We've been having so much fun. We've been hearing music. It's been music. You heard a song. Yeah, the two things, music and a song. Okay.

Yeah, music is part of songs, generally speaking. Sure. Some say they're synonymous. I would almost say that if a song came on and there... Oh, sorry. Rigatoni? If a song came on and there wasn't music in it, I would pass. Just acapella?

No, there'd be music in that. Okay, sure. Oh, you mean instrumentation, perhaps? Sure, sure. I do mean that. I like you today. I like you, too. It's good to have you on. We're celebrating the 13th anniversary, and you have something that you wanted to bring. Well, this isn't so much a celebration, but maybe for my enemies. My doctor has told me I have 45 minutes to live. No!

From now or from when he told you? From now. He said, the minute you step on and start talking on that podcast, you got 45 minutes to live. This is like a speed situation. This is a speed situation, Scott. He said, my cholesterol is so high. From eating pasta? From eating pasta. And I said, I am not going to stop eating pasta. Over my dead body will I start eating pasta. Yeah, you brought some. Literally. Yeah, you brought a whole bunch of to-go containers. Different types of pasta.

I came here. The doctor told me, don't come here. He told me not to come here. He said it's not good for my health or my blood pressure or my cholesterol. Right. But you still came anyway. Because I care, Scott. Thank you so much. I care about you. I know we've had our differences. We have. I

I care. You're another one of these guys I haven't really liked all that much. But we don't work together. I come here gratis. Yes, that's true. I come here gratis. Everybody else come here gratis. Anybody getting paid? Hey, when you're in the kitchenette, could you make us some gratis? Oh. You're an asshole. Wow.

How do you like it? The enemy of my enemy is my friend, I thought. I'm going to just come out and say it. You don't have much time left on this earth. I don't. Lose the filter. Y'all want to talk about the Simpsons? What was your favorite Simpsons episode? My favorite Simpsons episode? Yeah, episode or person. I like Bart. Yeah.

What do you like about Bart? Good character. Probably one of the best characters. One of the top five? I like how prominent he was. When you watch a show, you like whoever has the most lines. I count episode by episode. And over time, he had most of the lines. He had the most lines, yeah. Yeah.

Homer was really rivaling him once they figured out what was funny about him. Sure, sure, sure. But I'm riding for Bart till the day I die, which is today in a couple minutes. Oh, no. Number nine. We also heard from Gary the Gardener after that. That's Sean Diston, who was playing the Gardener, who was always leaf blowing during the Backyard Era. That's right. And then Will Hines debuted a character named Keith Stanley, the punk rocker that he brought on tour as well.

And also on that episode, the band, the Canadian band Stars did music. And so they were. I mean, what more could you ask for? An incredible episode. This was the episode where I hadn't done Big Chunky Bubbles in a while and I wasn't quite doing the voice correctly. I think you adjusted at some point. Yeah. But it was, I remember not because I did not listen to an episode before I did it because I was like, oh, I've done this character a bunch of times.

And then when I listened back to it, I remember in the moment feeling like, oh, I'm not nailing this. This is it. Well, on tour, what maybe a lot of people don't know is if you were, you did a different character on every stop of the tour. We did almost 30. I can't remember. I also tried not to repeat in cities. Yeah. But I did once. Oh, you did. But you would listen back to previous episodes right before you went out on stage to make sure that you were getting the voice right. I was paranoid about it.

What did you just say? I'm paranoid about her. Paranoid about her? I'm paranoid about her. What are you saying? I was paranoid about her. Oh, you were paranoid about her. Okay. That was really fun.

Good to have everyone back. That was really fun. After the backyard era. All right. Well, by the way, we're going to hear a song from Stars at the end of this episode. How do you like that? One of their songs. I mentioned it earlier. I pointed and I said, hey, this guy, we forgot to do it in the first episode. Paul, what do we have here? It is time for the snowman game.

What we have here is a fun little Christmas decoration purchased from Target, I believe. It is just an adorable fat little snowman. He's got a scarf on. By the way, I've never felt the scarf before. It feels like it would be very comfortable. Yeah, too bad it's around his neck. Do you want to have a little feel? It's a great scarf. I bet it would be very warm. He's holding a candy cane. He's got, of course, a signature top hat. He's got two button eyes and a nose made out of coal.

And now nose made out of coal. Aren't they usually carrots? Yes, they are. What's up with this? I don't know. But you know what? The song has made people go like, oh, we can just use coal. It's fucking cuter. Well, no corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. Yeah. So he is from the song. Oh, most people don't have a bunch of fucking coal.

Yeah, we have carrots. A button nose is weird. Yeah. I never thought about it before. Well, it's got the nostrils because of the two holes. Four holes sometimes. If you're lucky. Oh, I wish I had four nostrils. I'd rule the world. So here's the thing. You never leave the house. You press his little fat hand and he spins around. You don't need to fat shame this snowman, by the way. No, he's a fat pig. He's a disgusting little bisping.

Those are Freedom fans. Those are Freedom fans. Freedom fans are, of course, called piss pigs. It was their idea, which is weird. So strange. So the idea is when you press his hand, he sings a little song. He dances around and he turns. And he turns. And then he stops periodically in a song. Mm-hmm.

But if he looks at you when he stops, if he lands- If he lands at the end of the song, looking right at you. At the very end of the song, it feels so good. It feels great. You feel lucky. Now, so we have him here. We have in the booth, we're counting Devin and Kimmy in the booth. And then who's next? Who's over there? July. What? Oh, July's there too? Oh, wow. Hey. July's here. So there's five potential people that he can look at. July and Christmas? I've heard of Christmas in July. Yeah.

Are you in Christmas? I mean, it's Christmas almost. Anyway, go ahead. Okay. So here we go. I'm going to press his little disgustingly fat hand. All right. And he's going to look at one of the five of us, hopefully. Here we go. I brought me some corn for pop.

Oh, he's looking right at me! Nobody! Looking at the corner. What is this, the Blair Witch Project? Paul, I have some bad news for you. It is the Blair Witch Project. Oh, fuck! Let me see those snot bubbles. They kicked the map into the river. What?

All right, that's going to do it for this part two, but we're going to be back on Monday with part three of the best of 2022. And Paul, you still going to be with us? I'll be with us. And so will the snowman. And I'll tell you one thing. We're going to eat lunch in between these two parts. Let's hear that music from stars. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. You're left alone with your thoughts on someone calls you telling that you're okay.

Outside the long low shadows, crying past, and you try to go to sleep. Build a fucking tunnel, time to let it burn bright, and then it's time to stop, and then it's time to stop. I never knew you'd be that way, be that way, back in the empty city again. Waiting for your passport, running from your friend. Outside they're burning down the, dreaming in their sleep, if they think it's gonna last.

The night goes ninety miles an hour Terrifying dawn is unfolding like a flower A life of quiet despair Turned to pull you in, but they never find you there They never find you there I never knew that way, never knew that way, that way Time to build a fire, time to light it up, time to let it burn

Time to build a fire Time to light it Time to let it burn right And then it's time to start Time to feed the fire Time to fill your cup And heat each other And it's never gonna stop Time to feed the fire Time to fill your cup The world will keep on turning It's never gonna stop It's never gonna stop Look me that way, look me that way

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