Best of 2024 Part 1
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I decided to echo the oh yeah of the theme song this year.

Oh, yeah. Is that what he's saying? Oh, yeah. I truly don't know. I know we have the sheet music in the Comedy Bang Bang book, and he corrects exactly what it is, but I think he thought it was an indeterminate scream, perhaps. It's not a human word. What do you think it is? Is it an alien word? I think that it's from outer space. Outer space? Yeah, I'm the Scatman. What?

Call back to the solo bolo from a couple of days ago. Oh, I don't want to hear that. You don't want to hear a call back to the solo bolo? I don't want to hear anything about any solo bolos. Why not? Because it's exclusionary. Oh, really? You want to be invited to the solo bolos? I want my own solo bolo. You should do this for every one of your guests. Everyone should get a solo bolo. Every year. I feel like this is our solo bolo.

Is it not? We have to do all this dumb business. Yeah. I try to have fun and then you're like. Do you want to do a 20 minute sing along? I mean, yeah. I don't think I would hate it. All right. Let's try to do that in episode four at the very end. We'll do a 20 minute sing along. No. People would be so mad. People would be very mad. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. Best of 2024 part one. Yeah. It's got to start somewhere.

Usually we started at one. That's right. You can't start with part three because then you're like, are they going to do four next? Are they going to go down to two and then to one and then loop back to four? This is a good point. Here's what I wanted to tell everyone who's, by the way, my tongue, as discussed on future episodes of Three to Mice, bit the side of my tongue pretty hard. It has been difficult to podcast.

And, uh, it's still a little tender on the left hand side. She said, I have a confession to make. Hmm. Who are you? Usher? I don't get that. I gather he had a song. Part two. A full album. Oh, full album. Confessions. A lot of confessions. This is my confession. Well, I didn't listen because that's obviously protected by the church. You're not a priest. Yeah. It's the, it's the. What if he made that album and he only gave it to priests? Uh,

I would respect it. I would respect it. Probably wouldn't be as popular. And what if it caught on with priests, though? And they're like, this actually slaps. And then what if it went up the charts because enough priests loved it? Yes. Yes. Do you think there are enough priests in the world to make a hit song? What if we gathered every... What a gigantic philosophical question. What if we gathered every priest in the world in a recording studio? Now, are we talking one denomination or all denominations?

Whomever can be called a priest. Because you know what? I saw the movie Conclave, which is about electing a pope. Oh. And all the- Fun, I guess. Are there enough pope movies in the world? Here's what's so funny, is that the few pope movies that we have- Have been blasted.

Seems like six months. Yeah. They all sort of make one brief mention to the horrible child molestation scandals. And then they move on. But the movie's never about that. Yeah, it's like you've got to acknowledge it. Otherwise, you're going to get complaints in your review about it. It doesn't even mention molestation. It's like, oh, okay, they talked about it. Yeah, okay. It's like if you're...

Who gives a shit about the rest of the potpourri if they're not addressing that? Yeah. Like, how do they mention in passing? Like, boy, did you hear about that? They mention it because there's like a little campaigning going on. There's a very conservative candidate that Ralph Fiennes and Stan Lee. These are all fake popes or these are real popes? These are all fake popes.

All fake. I want to hear about real popes. All the cardinals are fake. All the bishops are fake. Some fake nuns are in this. What about the citizenry of all real people? Yeah. They're all real. It said in the credits.

It said it listed every single background actor and said themselves. So they mentioned it by, as Stanley Choochee is saying, we got to block this guy because he will set the church back. You know, we will lose all the progress we made, you know, with the, with this, that, with, you know, same sex marriage, that the, all the scandals, you know, the, the, the child abuse scandals, whatever. And that was it. That was it. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. But here's the thing. These popes, these popes, Paul, by the way, is holding up his hands in an Italian manner. It's sort of I'm not doing the the under. No, you're you're doing it almost as if you're portraying a bird.

who's looking at you and talking to you i'm like bird i'll fly away yeah that's what the bird said to you um why did we get started talking why did i bring up conclave i don't know i i i you were watching conclave uh we were uh still a little tender on the left hand side confessions we were talking about confession this is my confession um and then uh popes oh are there enough popes it

in the world. Priests. Are there enough priests in the world? Yes, we did say that. Are there enough popes? No, but then I was saying, what if we gathered all priests and you said any denominator? Thank you. Because they have to form a conclave, the titular conclave, which means they get cardinals from all around the world. All around the world, these cardinals. And most of them look the same. They're all wearing the same uniform, right? But there's a couple of those weird guys with like the big bushy beards and the weird square hats and stuff. And it's like, are they still...

Catholics, are they still, are they all the same? I don't know. I have no idea. I'm not being a Catholic myself. I know you're a lapsed. I know you're not being a Catholic. No. You are lapsed or you are? I'm a lapsed Catholic, yes. Okay, yes. You know what? That's so funny because it means like I might go back someday. No, I will not. No, you have abandoned it. This is not a lapse. Okay. I've turned off the faucet. Now, Comedy Bang Bang is not about religion, is it?

In a way, you could say that it is because it gives comfort to people. In a way, it's, you know, it's religions are based on such strange things. I mean, you got Dianetics, which is a science fiction book. Start off number one. Then you got the other religions based on other science fiction books. Come on, Bill. Come on, Bill Maher. Why not have a religion based on Comedy Bang Bang? A podcast.

Why would you say that? Because now someone's going to do it. Do you know there's weirdos in the world? Oh no, that's right. I forgot there are weirdos in the world. Do you know what came up last night? I did the off-book holiday special live at Laudroom and backstage we were talking, I don't know how we got onto this, but we were talking about, Jess McKenna brought up the flying spaghetti monster. Do you remember that? No, what is this?

That was when people, they, um, they were mocking organized religion, pointing up how ridiculous it is and saying, well, I believe in the flying spaghetti monster.

And then there would be like a picture that people had bumper stickers and shit of this just blob of spaghetti with eyeballs. This made it to the bumpers of cars? It made it to the bumpers of cars. That's how you knew it was a serious movie. That's a far traveling meme. Yeah. And then, of course, there's the Pastafarians who would wear a colander on their heads. I like this. And they would try to get their driver's license picture taken with the colander on their head saying, it's my religion.

And did anyone succeed? You know what? I don't know. I don't know. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. Yeah. I like people who strive for impossible things like that. Oh,

Those are the real heroes that we need because that's the inspiration. Yes. A man can achieve anything. Yeah. So if I see somebody with a driver's license and they have a spaghetti strainer in their head, then I say, maybe I can beat this cancer. Wait, do you have cancer? Oh, okay. Let me introduce my cancer stricken co-host for today's podcast. I don't have cancer. No. Yes. That I know of. All right. All right.

I did just have a lung screening. Oh, really? How'd they do it? Everything's fine. They go put their hand down your throat and just like fiddle around in there? Yeah, it's a screening. They put me on a little bed. How little? It's just room enough for you. Okay, so- You know what I mean? It's like a cot. For me. Like a cot. For me, not for you. Yeah. You're a little shorter. Yeah, yeah. So you're at a little- I've got a room. Yeah, okay. So anyone taller than me, no good. Yeah, they're out of luck.

And they slide you into this tube. It's sort of like an MRI kind of thing. Kind of a Mariah Carey kind of thing? Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Yeah, what else would I have said in this context? It's like a Mariah Carey sort of thing. Hmm, interesting. And they blast all the way from Christmas to you. And then they measure the bounce back, you know. Oh, okay. Yeah, the echo. But here's what's funny is that... Ah, wait. Oh, okay.

I wanted to encourage you, give you a preemptive laugh. You know what? Thank you. Because you know something good is coming. Yep. So they slide you halfway into this machine. There's a robotic voice that says, take a deep breath. Why can't they just record a person saying it? I don't know. Hi, dear. Take a deep breath. I don't. That would be nice.

Stop freaking out. Yes. And then they slide you back. But above me is this camera sort of thing. And I recognized it as the...

It's a part of the Xbox gaming console for games that track your movement for things. Oh, interesting. So, oh, like a Wii kind of thing. Yeah, like if you're playing tennis. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, and it's like, well, they already make these. Why don't we get those from Xbox? But you can see the Xbox logo on it.

Oh, really? Yeah. That's kind of them. That's how I knew. Not to black it out or put tape, but Greek it, as they say in the biz. So they're saying, we're not trying to fool you. No. Yes, that is one of those Xbox things. Yes, we're in a partnership with Xbox.

I always thought that was interesting that the Revolve, you know, the place where they film The Mandalorian and Grogu. I've never heard of this Revolve. You've never heard of the Revolve? No. It's a studio down, I believe, by Long Beach. And it's where they film a lot of these Star Wars shows. Wow. And... I never imagined that any of that shit was shot anywhere near Los Angeles. No. You know, how they do it is they do it with this technology. They use video game technology in their cameras. Exactly.

So no one is in front of a green screen. They're in front of

a circular screen that is projecting these backgrounds on them that as the camera moves it uses video game technology to change the backgrounds what yeah you gotta watch the uh the making of so if you're the mandalorian not pedro no whoever plays the mandalorian guys in the 99 percent yeah yeah i was so bummed when i found that out well it's disappointing

I mean, we expect more of Pedro Pascal. Well, what else does he have to do? You know what I mean? Exactly. He's the star of the show. What are you going to be? A gladiator too? Yeah. He took his hat off once. Hat. Do you like my hat? He took his Mandalorian hat off one time. But so, okay. So if you're on that stage. Yeah.

And I hope you are. And you're turning one side cameras. Yeah. Right? Filming you. Yeah. You turn around. It's 360 degrees, I believe. So you're seeing, you as the actor are seeing this shit projected? Yes. Wow. And it adds to the fact that it just feels a little more real. Well, of course it does. And then they add like a couple of potted plants and stuff, you know, on the actual ground. Oh, nice. Right. So you can like bump into it.

Yeah. It's real. It's like, who put that plant there? Although the, I guess the knock on it is that it makes everything feel like it was shot in a tiny room because it's not, you know, no one's like leaping across the desert necessarily. Aw. Yeah. I do want people to leap across the desert. I mean, Lawrence Faradia did, didn't he? He leapt. Remember that time that he ran the mile in under a minute? That's right. They said, no, no, no one can do this. Yeah.

And he said, I can. Let me put a colander on my head first, my dear boy. This is my religion. I...

did last night my famous impression of grogu walking oh okay and i will i'll be happy to post a picture when this comes out okay uh where would you get the picture from am i to take it i will have the picture and i'll provide the picture i'll provide the picture to you this is exciting yeah grogu walking i'm imagining it right now yeah he's he floats you've seen him walk sure yeah he he tends to now sit in a thing and float around does he not he does do that a lot that's helpful

For everybody. For the puppeteer. For him. For the Mandalorian. Oh, the Mandalorian loves it. Can you imagine if they just walked everywhere and he'd be like having to wait for him to catch up? Yeah. And Grogu's like, don't pick me up. Don't pick me up. I want to do it myself. Pick me up? You do not. No, he's not going to end up talking like that, is he? I bet he does. Oh, come on. Did Yaddle... Do you think that was learned behavior? Yeah.

on the part of Yoda, like his parents talk like that? I think he has a disability. Disability? Just like his words get mixed up in his brain? I think he has a neurological issue. I think I have that too. No. No. Haven't you do? Oh no, Paul has it now.

Speaking of Paul, I need to introduce you and myself. Oh, yeah, good point. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And we do this every year. We've been doing it now for, this is our 16th best of. I don't know that you've been doing it for all 16. I think you've been doing it for 14, perhaps. That's a lot. It's a lot. Is that fucking true?

I think so. We've been doing this together for 14 years. Probably. That's bananas. Yeah. I haven't checked, but I think, yeah, I think the first couple of best ofs maybe I did by myself. I can't remember. What was the hit song when we first started doing it? Bumbalayo by the Gypsy Kings? I hope so. Bumbalayo! Bumbalayo! I went to a Gypsy Kings concert and

Oh, this is a famous story. Because Kulop and I really liked their cover of Hotel California. Oh, yeah. And then we got a CD, two CD best of, of the Gypsy Kings. And it had Hotel California on it. And I don't think I liked another song. But it was something that we listened to together when we were first dating. Absolutely, courting. I don't think she liked it. I don't think I liked it. We went to the concert and didn't like it.

You like the one song. You said, let's check out the concert. It's got to be full of songs like this. Sure. We love these guys. Did they do My Way? Oh, they probably did. Yeah. I like that. So maybe they're good with covers. Those are the three that I remember. Bambalaya. Bambalaya. Which I'm entitled to be D. To be D. To be D. To be determined. I mean, to be D is actually the same amount of syllables as TBD.

Yeah. And it makes more sense than TDD. What if the great melancholy Dane Hamlet had said TBD or not TBD? Title TK or not title TK? That is TK. Let me introduce you. Please. You know him as a stand-up comedian, a raconteur. Mm-hmm.

an emcee of shows that he puts on called Varietopia. That's correct. A touring comedian, a stay at home comedian. Yeah. A podcaster. Yeah.

You know him perhaps as a human being and a friend, if you know him personally. Can you imagine if any of our friends listen to this podcast? No. Please welcome for the 14th year in a row, probably, Paul F. Tompkins. It's me. It's me.

Welcome back to the show, Paul. Thanks, Matt. Always a pleasure to do this with you. We are, of course, what is our purpose here? We are counting down your choices for the best Comedy Bang Bang episodes of the year. And as always, the disclaimer is this is on you. These are the things you voted. If you don't like any of these clips.

Point those three fingers back at yourself. Yeah. Because it's your own fault. Put that thumb in your mouth, you big baby. And as for that finger that's still sticking out, put it up your fucking ass. Wow. You knew that was coming. You deserved it. Yep.

But these are your favorite episodes. We every year right after Thanksgiving, we put the poll out and people can vote for the clarion call goes out. Vote for comedy. And the results come back and whatever the results are, we deliver those results to you in clip form. And.

And this year is no exception. We are this year counting down the top 14 episodes of the year. Yeah. Top 14. Top one four. Now, I should stress these are studio episodes. We also did 43 live episodes this year. We're not going to be counting those down and doing clips, although that's a fine idea. But you try to find the time to do that. Yeah.

Yeah. We can barely do this. There's absolutely nothing stopping the fans from doing a people's countdown. That's right. And just stealing the clips and putting out their own episodes. Or reenacting the clips. Oh, that would be so fun. Yes. I wouldn't mind hearing citizen reenaction. Just get a transcription bot on it and then just read citizens reenactions. I like this idea. I'd love to hear one of these. Reenactments. Reenactions. Reenactions.

Reenaction sounds okay, but I think it's reenactments. You know, we should just say whatever we want, shouldn't we? God, thank you. You know what I mean? I'm tired of putting out an episode and everyone going, oh, you said this wrong or you misused this idiom. Yeah. Hey, idiom. Fuck off. Yeah, and you know what that means. Even if it's not the right word, you know what it means. You know what I'm saying. And you should feel bad because somebody said that to you. I hope people feel bad out there during the holidays.

We feel great. I feel so good. This is exciting. This is what we do. As, of course, I've talked about John Taylor once said after a Duran concert. This is what we do. We do it every year and we have a great time doing it. You're going to hear clips from...

All of the, not only the celebrities who have been on the show, but also the wonderful comedians who play. And this is what we do during the best ofs. We lift the veil. We pull back the curtain and we talk about the process. Yes. Comedians are on this show playing fake people. Yeah.

Can you imagine something like that happening? Well, I mean, yeah, I can. You participate in it. Yeah, so I can imagine it pretty well. This is some sort of a boondoggle that I've been playing on the American public for now, you know, coming up 15 and a half years. I know we just talked about we should say whatever words we want.

A boondoggle. I'm horn swoggling people. It's that horn swoggling people. Yes. A boondoggle, I think is a mess. I think it's a, Oh, I thought it was a scam or a con. No, I think it's when things get all fucked up. Boondoggle. I think it's like a, here's what I think it's might specifically be before you read it. I think it might be. Oh, I, okay. I know what it is now. A situation that you've gotten into, uh, promising something, uh,

good or effective or whatever. I think it's used a lot with politics. Right. So like I've been promising people a good podcast, but it's been a boondoggle. Yeah. You've, you've wound up in a boondoggle. Yes. It technically, it is a work or activity that is wasteful or pointless, but it gives the appearance of having value.

Uh, and so, I mean, I mean, wow, that's incredible. That's really incredible. It's the bill, but it's except for the appearance part. Yes. It's a giant con that, uh, I've been playing on, on America and the world. Uh, and yet you keep falling for it. Every episode comes out and people go like, these real people are idiots.

And they're not. They're all fake people other than the celebrities who are very, very real. It's like when Carmela on The Sopranos went to see that psychiatrist, the therapist. Did she go to Melfi? No, she went to a different one. Yeah, that's proper. And this guy was not playing along. By the way, was this the director of Paper Moon? No, it was not him. That's Melfi's therapist. Okay.

This was a guy who died not long after filming this role. Good. And it makes sense because he talked, he talked like this. But he said to her. What is it with David Chase casting people who are just about to die? The mom? This guy? It's like, does he know something? Do you feel like it's the casting person not disclosing, by the way, this person is about to die?

I really do feel like, you know, when you embark upon a show business job, usually you have to get a physical job.

Um, and you go into some Hollywood doctor and they asked you a few questions. Talk about a boondoggle. Yeah. They kind of take out a stethoscope at one point. They kind of do. They like lift it up out of a drawer, put it back in. Then they go like, you feel pretty good. Now, you know, I, I think we may have talked about this a long time ago, but there was a, um, uh, a scam, uh, doctor, uh,

Who was maybe a real doctor, but told people that they had an irregularity, maybe a heart murmur, and they had to go get it checked out. Oh, yeah. And then sent them, referred them to a place. Yes, to this place where you had to pay a bunch of money to get this scan. And then he got kicked out. You're fine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. She. Ladies can be scammers. Yeah.

But I remember I was telling somebody this story and they said, she did the same thing to me. And then we compared notes with four other people. So did you sue? Is there a class action lawsuit or no? No. That money's gone. That money's gone. Yeah. You were stupid enough to fall for this. I mean, I mean, when a doctor tells you, yeah, you have a heart. So they just fucked up with your heart. Go get it checked out. I in the one that I did for the Between Two Ferns movie, I think.

they asked me a question and I told the truth and he goes, you don't want to say that. I go, why? He goes, you want to do this movie, right? Amazing. Amazing. But I truly believe that they should do this for every actor.

Um, because the worst thing that can happen is, you know, actors, you're in the middle of a five-year run of a, of a show. And then if you're lucky, an actor passes away in the middle and then you're like, what the fuck are we going to do? Yeah. Um, which is why I've said before, I think an actor, why do we name the show? The old man who will never die. Yeah.

The first day on set, you need to film a falling down on the floor, clutching your heart. Yes. For every cast member. For every cast member. Every cast member. No matter how young you are, how fit supposedly you are, just film a scene where you go, ah, my heart. Can I say, I think to cover the age range, you film them like entering a staircase. Sure. They get off camera. Yeah. Then you dub in whatever sound you need.

I, yeah, I guess so. Because young people can die falling down the stairs. Or maybe we just do a stunt with every single actor of any show. Oh, to really show them. To really show them going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They died in real life and they died on camera. We decided that the viewers would want to see them actually die.

um why were we talking about because carmella carmella is telling that she thinks i'm gonna do what tony does okay and i'm gonna be like be a gangster no she's gonna she's gonna go to therapy she goes to therapy and says the two things he did yeah my yeah she goes yeah my husband's an organized crime and he's murdered people blah blah blah oh no and this this this therapist is like

Hey, this shit is illegal and I'm not going to help you out here. Like, here's what you do. Get out of this situation. Leave this man. Go as far away as you can. Right. You know, this is bad. It's not good. And she's like, what? And he goes, the one thing, this is what made me think of it. The one thing you can never say is you haven't been told.

And then she never goes back to therapy and she stays with her husband, the murderous gangster. That's right. But there was not a sad ending for her or her husband. No, everybody was great. They went to go eat pizza. Yeah. Which is great. Pizza's great. Pizza's good. They listened to a great song in the jukebox. Oh my God. They parallel parked successfully. A few people came into the restaurant. Yeah.

Had nothing to do with them. Tony looked just like L.A. Tony looked up, didn't know who they were, looked back. Just like L.A. Just like L.A. A door opens, everybody looks. Oh, it's not a famous person. And they go back to their meal. Oh, my heart was racing for a second. Oh, you made me look up. This is what we do. We talk about the episodes. Yes, if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang, the format of the show is occasionally we will have

celebrities on the show playing themselves as themselves for themselves. Now, time's been lean with celebrities over the past few years. Yeah. The pandemic, of course, we took a blow, although then you had a lot of celebrities with time on their hands, but not good microphones. No, they refused.

They refused to get decent, even when they were given the microphones, they didn't use them. There was a particular guest who I saw, we sent detailed instructions to, and then I saw this person make their assistant do it on camera for them. And then they, it was not done correctly. That's right. Recorded very poorly. That's right. But that was the pandemic. And then of course the strike happened.

you had celebrities not able to be on the show but now stars are back and you'll hear a bunch of them on uh these episodes we have a good amount of uh well-known people going to be on these clips yeah speaking of celebrities and zoom recordings i know i was going to say that i experienced this but i did not a friend of mine experienced this friend of mine who's a writer was on a it was like a live read for some charity thing can i tell you

I honestly can't remember if I witnessed this personally or if someone told me this. Really? Okay. Interesting. So you can see it in your mind. Yes, I can. It could have been a mental image that you made when the story was told. Exactly. Okay. So it's a bunch of well-known people, right? Mm-hmm.

And they're going over the whoever is organizing. This is going over the things, the tech things that you have to do. Technical, by the way, connect this, click on that one listening and what tech stands for. And so they're doing a test and a lot of people just have clearly not followed the instructions. Great. Then fucking Don Cheadle says, okay,

Guys, it's simple. Here's what you do. There's a drop down menu. You select this. Click on that. Then you go to this other one. You click on that. Cheetle. Cheetle was like, hey, I'm famous too. You can't use that as an excuse. Yes, thank you. Get this shit together. Thank you, Cheetle. Thank you, Cheetle. Thank you, Cheetle. We want you on Comedy Bang Bang this year. Do you know what? Can we? Like, we're doing the clips of the shows. Yeah.

But every episode, can we have one clip of Don Cheadle from Ocean's Eleven? Yeah.

We can do that. Just like a little drop in. You know what I mean? We can do that. Why don't we find one right now and we'll play it right now before we get to our other clips. Scott, this is great. Here we go. This is Don Cheadle. You deserve a holiday gift. First we have an ad for G2A.com. All right. Now we're going to Don Cheadle in a safe or something. All right, chaps. In a bank. Oh, there he is. I'm on to you, niggas.

They blew up a safe and kind of the hinges of the safe or whatever. And it's now open. There's a lot of haze, a lot of smoke. An alarm went off. You toss us. You toss us. You have one job to do.

All right. Great. Thank you. You're welcome. From what I understand, that accent was his choice. Yep. And then he later regretted it. There is, when I just looked up Don Cheadle, Ocean's Eleven, there is a video of

by the title of Don Cheadle was cursed out by fans for his accent in Ocean's Eleven. Cursed out? And I think it's an interview with him where he talks about this. It's only 23 seconds long. When I did the Ocean's movie, you know, which famously I've been destroyed for the accent. You tosser.

- You had one joke. - The clip we just saw. - People hated the accent. Some people would come up to me and curse me out as a result of it. I'm like, it's a comedy. It's a movie. We're messing around. We didn't really rob a casino.

That's not what they're saying, Don Cheadle. They're saying the accent is bad. Here's what I like. He's saying, this is how fucking stupid you are. Yes, thank you. You have a problem with my accent? Yeah. Oh, you think the whole movie's real? Oh, you think my accent is real? You idiot.

Um, but it's funny to imagine somebody going up and saying, fuck you. Imagine going up to Don Cheadle and being upset with him about cursing him out. Yeah. Get out of here. I love Cheadle. I love Cheadle. Cheadle. We need you on comedy. Bang, bang in 2025. We needle. We needle. Can we start a hashtag? We needle and E A D L E. Yes. Cheadle. We needle. Um,

All right. So we're going to do that every episode. Also, to hype something coming up a little bit later at the end of each episode, we are going to play the snowman. The snowman game. If you have not heard one of our best ofs before, we have an exciting game we will detail a little bit later that involves a spinning snowman. Mm.

And usually Paul and I bet on it. And I don't believe I've taken you to dinner for last year yet. No. And I think we should up it to the Mitt Romney wager and $10,000. His favorite meat is hot dogs. Can you imagine him spending $10,000 on hot dogs? Oh, man. What's the most you would spend on a hot dog? One hot dog. $100. $100.

Would you spend a hundred dollars? I might. If it was like fancy, because there wasn't there that burger that had gold leaf in it. That was like $80 or something. There was some, like some $20,000 omelet or some shit that some hotel had. You just need one person to buy. I feel like. Get out of the business. I promised the bank. I, I feel like.

There's no way you would taste a $100 hot dog and say, I taste all $100 in this. Hot dogs are like $20, though, now, if you go out to a restaurant. Yeah, everything's $20 now. Hot dog at a restaurant? Yeah. I always feel bad ordering a hot dog at a restaurant, but you'll see it on a menu occasionally. What? Where? I'll clock the price. Restaurants. What's a restaurant? Name any restaurant.

Okay, Wiederschnitzel. Paul, I'm here to tell you there are hot dogs on this. I don't mean a fast food restaurant. Yeah, I know. I mean like a restaurant. I've never seen a hot dog advert. But say even like Shake Shack or something like that. Shake Shack is probably not $20. No. But it's probably $13. It's not a restaurant. I wear a tuxedo when I go there. That's what you do. But do they have waiters?

They have waiters. They have a wait staff. They don't have, no. They have a maitre d'. No. You have to slip them 20. Just even get in. Factoring that into the price of a hot dog. Oh, sure. Oh, no. Maitre d' bribes. Yeah, I forgot. That does. Oh, my maitre d' bribe budget this year was astronomical. That was on Lil Wayne's PBE loan breakdown. Oh, Jesus.

Did you read the article? I skimmed it. Yeah. These assholes. Mystery women. Wasn't that a line item? Yeah, including. Yeah. If you don't know what we're talking about, it's a terrible story that broke about musicians taking advantage of taxpayers, including the littlest of Waynes. Yeah. Is he the littlest? He is. Are we sure about this? He should be the littlest Wayne. Are we positive he's the littlest Wayne out there?

I don't know. What other Waynes do we know? We know Bruce Wayne. Wayne Rogers. Mm-hmm. Wayne Shorty. Who's Wayne Shorty? A musician, I believe. Wayne Shorty. Let me look this up. From Trombone Shorty, maybe? Is his name Wayne? Oh, I'm thinking Wayne Shorter. Wayne Shorter. An American jazz saxophone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Wayne Shorty...

is a pretty good name. It is a good name, especially if the Y is an I instead. Yeah. Like the Wawa shorty. Or especially if the Y is an ER. And then... Just like, hey, speaking of George Clooney, ER. Err. Err. Watch our show. What's the show? Err.

Can you imagine like being asked to invest in ER? Do people invest in TV shows? Of course they do all the time. And going like, oh yeah, people are going to watch a show called ER. And then it comes out and it's huge.

Who knows? In any case, we... Paul, we got to get to it. Yeah, we do. Do you think we should get to it? We're counting down the top 14 episodes this year. I'm so sorry. Can I very quickly pitch my idea for a TV show? It's like an X-Files kind of thing called The Department of Unusual Humans. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Oh, is that it? Yeah. Oh, oh. I mean, it's known by an acronym. Department of Unusual Humans. Yeah.

Trying to work this out in my head. Yeah, really work on it. Department starts with an E. Department starts with an E. Apartment. Apartment.

That's what they lived in in the Matrix. E-partments. E-partments. Electronic partments. Like it's all online. All right. Let's get to it. We are going to now get to the first clip that we're going to hear. This is the top 14, which means this is your number 14. Number one.

There they are again. Okay, let's speak to the controversy. Yeah, I... You obviously heard what just happened. Yeah, there's no mistaking it. We used the same numbers that we've been using for now. This is our 16th

Best of episode or best of year. Yeah. This is probably more like we used to do just one episode for the first year, then maybe a two parter. And then now it's four parts. Yeah. Um, so we've done hundreds of these and we've used hundreds, if not hundreds, and we've used the same countdown numbers for now, uh, 16 years in a row. And, um,

We were going to record these numbers ourselves using professional musicians as well as ourselves. We were going to get in there and maybe shove our way to the front, right in front of the mic. But here's what happened.

We ask people to remind us to do this. All we need is a reminder. And no one reminded us. Literally no one ever wrote us a social media message or an email or on the streets. Look, we were on tour this entire year. We met hundreds of fans. Met hundreds of fans. No one ever said like, oh, by the way. Not a single person. We would have done it. We gave them a date. We said, remind us on this date. It was like in June or something. So we can get it done in advance. I'll do it.

I'll say it again. Okay. This year, June 1st, June 1st, keep it nice and clean. June 1st, please write to us on social media, emails, whatever you need. If you see some person, tell us,

remind us to re- Don't do it before then. To re-record. Don't do it before then. Because we're not ready. We're not, we're busy with other stuff. The first half of the year is just packed. Jam-packed. Always. Meanwhile, then the summer comes and we have so much time to do this. Yes. We need to know on June 1st. We need to know on June 1st so we can get everything together.

do it in plenty of time, and then we'll... It takes time to gather musicians to write the charts. It does. You have to do it Ocean's Eleven style, where you say, we need a saxophonist, we need a piano player. Are you interviewing us right now? These are not code words. They are what they are. Yes. And, okay, so then we'll be able to re-record all the numbers. We'll do, in fact, extra numbers just in case. Sure, like we'll make up numbers. Sleep flop. Oh, how's that a number, though?

We're making it up. Numbers, leapslop. But then it's still a number, though? Yeah, it's a number. It doesn't exist yet, right? Right, but where would you say it falls? Leapslop. I mean, probably in between 331 and 332. Oh, see, I was thinking much, much higher to where you get past trillions and bazillions and all that shit. Oh, yeah. What's the highest number right now? Let me look this up. Septillion? Is that the highest? I don't know.

Other than infinity, of course. I think it's infinity still. I think it's that the numbers just keep on going. There is no highest number because numbers can always be increased by adding one. Yeah. But I mean, what's the highest number we have the name for?

That we've named is what I'm trying to say. Like what's a Google? Google is, the answer's right here, the number one followed by 100 zeros. That's so many zeros. That we have a name for. It is Googleplex. Googleplex. Googleplex. The number one followed by a Google zeros. They fucking got you. They fucking did it. But you know what? Let's make a...

Google Plaza, a Googleplex followed by a Google of zeros. Yeah. In honor of Aubrey Plaza. And we do honor her. We do every year. We honor her. Around this time of year. Yes. We honor Aubrey Plaza. Scott and I will do a little silent moment before we start recording. Mm-hmm.

Thinking of Aubrey Plaza, thinking of her in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, thinking of her in White Lotus Season 2. Sure. Thinking of her in Parks or Recreation. Thinking of her in all of the other projects, which we love, Aubrey and

Thinking of her famous talk show appearances. Yes. With her and Jim O'Hare. Her dry, acerbic personality. That's right. We love her. We honor her. Thinking of her basketball times. Yes. We try to drive by her house around this time of year. Yeah. But we don't know where it is. Yep. So we think we've done it. We think. I remember there was one year where we're like, that felt like it. We both got like a chill down our spine. Yeah, same time. We were like, I think we did it. Anyway, Google Plaza.

That is, we've just coined it. So now if you enter in Google, what's the highest number that we have a name for, that should take the place of Google Play. It should. So make that happen, guys. Make it happen. In the meantime, the number that we're talking about is number 14. Correct. And this is, I'm going to give a little background on the episodes. Fun. I'm going to say the title of them. I'm going to say when they came out.

I'm going to say the episode number. So while you're doing that, I'll sit here with my thumb up my ass. That's not going to take that long, Paul. You don't know how fast I can get my thumb up there. Oh, there it is. Yeah, that's what it sounds like going in. Boy, what's it sound like going out? Oh, you don't want to hear that. All right. Turn off the mics. All right. This is the first episode on our countdown. This is episode 14. This is episode number 872.

That's... 872. Fairly high in the 800s. Pretty high, although maybe about two-thirds, almost two-thirds of the way through. Two-thirds, I think is... No, almost three-quarters of the way through, in fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This came out on July 8th of 2024. Great time of year. And this is an episode entitled, Wolfarangs. Wolfarangs.

Who do you think would be in this one, Paul? I bet Jack Furze appears in this one. Jack Furze does appear. Okay. Let me list the participants. We have, in addition to myself, which I will never say again, we have Jack Quaid.

Jack Quaid. Hollywood's good boy. Hollywood's good boy. You know him from the television show The Boys. You know him from the movie Oppenheimer, where he plays Mr. Bongos. He's in an upcoming movie that comes out in just a few weeks, which is, I believe, a horror movie that Zack Kreger, I think, produced. I'm looking forward to. And he is also in a show called Star Trek. Love it.

Lower Decks. That's correct. With our other guest, Tawny Newsome is in this episode. That's correct. They play, of course, Boimler and what's her name? I know it's like a thing, right? Like a trellis or something like that. Not really. What is it? It is something that you can use to describe a person. Okay. Fleshy?

No, it's more like an occupation. An occupation. Oh, Marin. Yes, that's right. Okay. I got there. Not fleshy. Good character name though. Uh, they play Mariner and Boimler in the Star Trek, uh, lower decks show, which just released its series finale. Uh, perhaps, although you can always make more full disclosure. I also appear on that show from time to time. That's right. This did not affect the voting. Yeah.

Now, this particular episode came out in the middle of July. And what I always do when... Interesting. You consider the 8th of July the middle. I mean, anything after the 1st is the middle. And yet 872 is not necessarily high up in the 800s. You're a curious fellow.

Anything after the 1st of July up to the 31st is the middle of July, as far as I'm concerned. Anything more than a mouthful is a waste. Now, what I do when the boys comes out is I always reach out to Jack and I say, hey, Jack, do you want to do a comedy bang bang episode for the premiere?

Of the boys. And he's undoubtedly filming something and busy. Yes. And so we do now what we've entitled the midseason check in. That's correct. That's correct. Which, you know, you're the you pioneered. I pioneered this format. Now, a lot of shows, they get a lot of press when they come out because everyone wants everyone to watch the premiere, knowing that viewership will taper out as the season progresses. What we do is we do the midseason check in.

where we try to promote the midpoint of a season in order to just pump that viewership back up and just get people listening and watching. You can use all five of your senses when it comes to a TV show or a movie. You're totally allowed. You can touch the TV. Sure. You can smell it. Sure. Give it a sniff. Scratch and sniff. Don't scratch your TV. No.

Don't let your cat scratch your TV either. Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. That's right. So in any case, I reached out to Jack. He had a little time. I then, as far as I'm remembering, Tawny and Jack know each other from the Lower Decks show, and they've done episodes together. So I just reached out to Tawny saying, hey, are you around as well? Because it's fun to have them both together. It is. Tawny was available.

And then we also got Ben Rogers on the show. Now, I don't know whether... Has a Jack Furze episode ever been on the Countdown before? I don't know. I don't know either. And forgive me if I've told this story before of how Jack Furze came to be. Thank you! Jack Furze...

The genesis of Jack Furze as a character was actually in the auditions for the Between Two Ferns movie. Yes, you have mentioned this. I have mentioned this. Okay, so we were trying to disguise what everyone was auditioning for. So I think then he has, maybe he has appeared on the camera. Maybe he has, yeah. I'll just kind of refresh everyone's memory. We were trying to disguise what the movie was. So people auditioning for it didn't even know what it was. We just said it was like, I think we said, oh, it's set in a news...

station. And then they would get there and Zach would be there and they'd go, they would go, what is this? And they would audition with Zach. And I had been into improv and everyone just, just basically was told like, you can pick one of these

Cameraman, sound person. Man, woman. Yes, cameraman, woman, TV picture. And he picked cameraman and he came in with an improv to scene and he had all this backstory. That was so funny. I reached out to him later and I said, hey, are you, have you done that before? It was, we're not going to cast you. But...

It was so specific. I was like, have you done that before? He goes, no, I just created that for the audition. I said, well, let's turn this into a comedy bang-bang character because it's very, very funny. So this has become a beloved character. Jack Furze essentially is... It's a lot like Peter Parker in Spider-Man. He is a cameraman at a local news station who is a vigilante named the Night Wolf. Right. Which he intimates to...

He keeps talking about the night wolf as if it's a different person, but it's very obvious that he is the night wolf. Yes. So this is maybe his seventh or eighth appearance on as the night wolf. So the lore of the night wolf, go back and listen to the episodes. They're very, very funny.

So the clips that we're going to hear are first we have Jack and Tawny coming on to talk about the boys. You'll wonder why I'm not talking about Star Trek Lower Decks if you don't know when this came out. But it was the midseason check in about the boys. Exactly. Then you don't you never do a between the seasons check in about a show. Why would you do that? Yeah. Yeah. Then we are going to hear Tawny playing a character named Escrow Philanthropa.

And those are the clips we're going to hear. This is your episode number 14. Number one. Now, Jack, you're Hollywood's good boy. I am Hollywood's good boy. But here's where I feel like you're tarnishing your image because I look at your Instagram. Why? I know. Let him finish. I need to know how I'm tarnishing my image. I see these pictures on this. I'm holding Tani back now. She is coming for you. I see these pictures of you on the set.

And it seems like every picture you're holding up the middle finger to the camera. Yeah. That's not Hollywood's good boy. I know. You know, material. You know, a while ago we were like, hey, wouldn't that be fun? And now that's the thing that we do. And it's all directed. Actually, every time that we do it, we're like, this is for Scott Aukerman.

Oh, it's personal to me? Yeah. I don't think of it. This is exclusive for CBB. Wow. Every time we're doing it. And by the way, I wasn't doing the show at the time. I was just like, maybe one day I'll be able to reveal this. So you corral everyone in there, explain who I am. Exactly. And then they're like, oh, yeah, I'm more than happy to do this. And the explanation takes a long time. Because they're like, wait, it's a show? And it's like, well, it was a show. Yeah, there was like a golden period of five years. You can still find episodes, but really, it's a podcast. I'll be like...

I'm like, in a few years when I'm finally on that show, Scott will say that I'm tarnishing my reputation and then the ace I'll have up my sleeve. Is that I've been flipping him off this entire time. I've been flipping him off the whole time. But yeah, you're right. It's not Hollywood good boy material. I sincerely hope you'll retire that behavior. I'm thinking about it. Wow. I'm thinking about it. Are you accepting pitches from new... I also have the thumbs up in there. That's to offset...

my middle finger. It doesn't balance out. You need something in between. To me, the middle finger is so flagrant and just so obscene that a thumbs up, a pure Fonzie does not negate. Okay. So do I need something in the middle, in between? Are you accepting pitches for new hand gestures to cleanse your image? Yes, I would love to cleanse my image.

Pinky up like you're sipping a cup of tea. But then I'm a little fancy boy. Well, if the shoe fucking fits. Maybe, but to counterbalance how terribly vulgar that middle finger is. I just have to stop and act like, Jack Quaid, you're not a little fancy boy. I'm one of your closest friends. Name one time. Every time we've gone disco dancing. That's the fanciest thing I've ever done. You're right. I'm like, wow, look at that disco ball. You think it's made of diamonds?

So many different things hurt your stomach. Yeah. That makes you a little fancy boy who can only have fancy fine treats. Having any kind of IBS or anything, that does not make me a little fancy boy. Yeah, because you can only have little fancy refined

dishes and meals like a little cat eating i'm just gonna eat my kumquats in peace there you go that's the fanciest fruit there is i like the idea that disco balls are made of diamonds this is a good heist movie like during the disco craze of the 70s they didn't know they're just like oh yeah this diamond thing up there and then someone comes in to steal and they have to pose as disco dancers yeah that's how they laundered all their money is like all of it's in the in the fucking yes i need you guys to write this for me okay

Okay. Tanya, you're a writer now. I am, apparently. You're writing one of those Star Tours movies? Yeah, I'm writing a Star Tours movie where everybody hops on a bus and goes and looks at Al Pacino's house. It's wild.

I like when that guy from Breaking Bad, he goes out to the passing buses and he goes out and says hi to them all. Which guy from Breaking Bad? The young one. Jesse Pinkman? Yeah, Jesse Pinkman. Oh my God, he does? I always thought those were fake. It could be.

But it works on me. Yeah. I always thought it was like, ah, that's, you know, so-and-so's house. And then it's just not. Oh, yeah. No, I think they actually do pass by his house. And if he ever sees one, he goes out and says hi. Oh, damn. Like climbs into the bus and like talks to them for a while. It's just like a full bus of people who know his address. That's crazy. And confirm that he's living. Right. I hate that. Make plans to come back that evening. Yeah. I will be here. Scott, I'm in love. Oh.

Oh, this is big news. That was all. Sorry. I'm just so excited. I don't want to go. Previously. I don't want to get off topic. No, no, no. And I'm not trying to change the subject. You guys aren't backing me into a corner or anything. So you're who? Yes. Who are you in love with? Well, my good. Well, her name's Alma. Alma.

As Scott knows, I've been quite unlucky in love. How do I? I don't think I brought it up on the show before. It doesn't mean I know it. I usually forget anything anyone says the minute they say it. A lot of my ex-wives and fiancés have met very sad ends, very tragic ends. I don't remember this actually. Oh, God. Yes. Okay.

But now I feel like I'm in love for the first time. She's great. Oh, congratulations. She's great with vengeance. Oh, okay. Meaning you're a pet wolf. That's right. Yeah, they love her. All the wolves love her. What is her story, if you don't mind me asking? Well, her father was a whistleblower to a corporate...

entity and they entrusted her with very important secret information so you know she's trustworthy yeah it seems like it yeah so how did you two meet i was visiting some criminals for information on a story in the insane asylum where her ex-husband has just escaped from so they were asking her things yeah oh interesting what i mean i haven't heard anyone call it

that in a while. The Insane Asylum? No. Looney Bin, you prefer? Yeah, I just like a more... Rubber Room? I know there's a more updated term. Sorry, I don't mean to... That's where the men with the butterfly nets send those whack jobs. This is the last real...

insane asylum in the country, right? They had those really scary steel gates. That's right. Her ex-husband escaped from there. Straight jackets, people screaming. Yes, yes. He's always doing that. What an incredible meet-cute. So how did you come...

You were there interviewing these prisoners? I was interviewing prisoners to see, get a temperature of the streets. And she was there getting asked questions about where she goes, will her ex-husband come after her, things like that. But she's very brave. She puts her address out in public. I mean, she has her stuff out in public even more than Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad. Oh, so you know about that, too. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

As someone who, you know, you have a feel for the streets and you reported on crime. That's right. Do you think that that was a safe thing for Jesse Pinkman to do? I mean, it really shows a lot of guts.

Because you're asking for trouble, and I know Alma can handle it. I mean, her address is there for whoever finds it. And I mean, she's witnessed some brutal, brutal crimes. Yeah. Sole witness. Sole witness. Wow. Why is she always there and alone? It's wild, right? Yeah. She just has that luck of the Irish. Yeah, incredible. Well, congratulations. Are there wedding bells in your future wedding?

I hope so, yeah. We are looking at venues. There's this great place near where a lot of recovering drunk drivers are practicing their driving skills. Are they recovering from the driving? Or from...

It's because of the structure of that sentence. There's this school that helps drunk drivers get better at it. Get better at drunk driving? Yeah, so they're a little less reckless. So we have this great venue right next to that. It's right near the exit of that building. I think that's why it's cheap, because people are always coming and going. There's a gun store right next door where a lot of these people, they kind of skirt. Are you...

Can I ask you a question? It's kind of personal. Are you hoping for some sort of incident at your wedding? Just a great, memorable time. I don't know, next to the gun store and the drunk driving assistance program? Yeah, it seems like you're tempting fate. Yeah. I think we're going to be fine. I mean, she's a tough cookie. A tough Irish cookie. She's a tough Irish cookie, maybe.

And the thing is, I don't make a lot of money at KTLA. Sure. Yeah. Because you're freelance. I'm freelance. And you're mainly getting footage of this guy, the Nightwolf. And your boss is always saying, get me pictures of the Nightwolf. So are you trying to stage some sort of like... I'm trying to sell him on the Nightwolf. They're not interested. They think he's a loser. Whoa. Oh, yeah. A guy with that many wolves? Yes. They think he makes things worse.

It's interesting. I don't know if I've heard that take before on the Nightwolf. I'm glad you guys didn't mention my tattoo that is across my face and nose that says I'm the Nightwolf. Yeah, well, I mean, I just kind of figured it was ironic. I thought it was art. Yes. I thought it was maybe something PETA tattooed on you in anger. No, no, no. This was kids. I was on a rooftop stargazing and some kids decided to fire off fireworks at me.

At you. Yes. They fired. They thought they were screaming, Jack's a peeper. There's the night wolf. They're really going at me. Wow. Wow. And they fired fireworks at me. Wow. One of them knocked me out.

Damn. You know what's funny is now that I'm thinking about it, the Nightwolf also has a tattoo on his face. That's one of the weird, yes. I'm glad you brought that up. That is interesting. So clearly he had a similar run-in with these kids. Right, yeah. This is a crime spree. Because I'm like, how are they going to know? Because the tattoo is what I think. It's very similar. They definitely use the same stick and poke technique. I woke up like this. I was out. Yeah, I woke up like this.

Interesting. I see you also have a collection of wolfarangs with you. Yeah, what's going on with those? Why did you bring these wolfarangs? Well, the wolfarangs are very helpful when it comes to capturing the news. Oh. Yeah, if you need to get a shot that's in a building across from you, you could throw a wolfarang at it. And what would that do?

Well, it stays in the building and you can attach it. Oh, I thought you were trying to get the building nearer to you. Oh, boy. I mean, that would have been my first thought. Yes. If I was stronger. And actually, depending on the building, I could. Yeah. Really? What do you mean? Yeah.

Why did you say yeah? I went from yeah to really to not even knowing what you're talking about. Okay, a lot of buildings haven't been retrofitted here. Okay. And if it hasn't been retrofitted, that thing's shaky as hell. Yeah, if it's not earthquake proof, you can move any building. Exactly. Are you saying if you were strong enough, you could move any building? Yeah. I mean, honestly, with the... Anyone, if they were strong enough, they could move any building. With the love of Alma behind me. Wow. Wow.

I feel like I can, Scott. It feels good to say that. It feels good to be in love. I'm sorry. I've just traveled a very long distance. Jack brought out the wolferings. I think it's okay. Are we all right? Okay. Who are you? I'm all right now. Who are you? Do you have any idea what it feels like? We don't know who you are, even. To be hidden away. My name is Escrow Philanthropa. Okay. I

Oh. And I have been hidden away by this man here for near on 20 years. Hidden away? Yes. I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, you've gotten good at that. She's escrow philanthropist. She just told us. What are you hiding, Jack? You've gotten so good at saying who are you. I'm sorry, I think I'd remember a person named escrow philanthropist. Oh, you think you would remember me, wouldn't you? Yes. Just 20 years of me.

Ring a bell. Whoa. Okay. Hold on. 20 years. Ask her, where are you from? Vaguely Britain? No.

No, how dare you? My mother was killed by an English muffin. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, God, I'm sorry for your tragedy. Thank God they're not still sponsoring the show. I might have to cut that out. The nooks and crannies. The nooks, the crannies. If the crannies don't get you, the nooks will. Please stop talking about my mother's assailant. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm sorry I never met you in my life. Oh, that's rich, isn't it? Have you ever seen a man deny the woman he loves? Yeah, Jack, you seem like you're hiding something.

I swear to God, I'm not. Escrow, what is the nature of your relationship to Jack? We were married in 2002 on the banks of the River Seine in France. Okay, that was a year. 2002, it checks out. It was a year. I just took a look at my calendar. 2003 was the one after that, and then 2002 was the one right before. Okay, good job, Scott. You didn't have a ring, so he gave me a new Shakira CD. Hmm.

because he knew how much I loved Shakira. Did you put your finger through the middle hole? I should have. Maybe that would have dropped his memory. She's wearing it now, which is interesting. It's here. That is really dusted up and scratchy. You can't really move your hand at all. That's just a CD on your finger. How can you be so nonchalant? You've hidden me away, denied me in the press, never acknowledged our love or our union. Jack, you have the rep of being Hollywood's good boy. You have a secret marriage? And a secret relationship.

family. Secret family? Yes. Meaning your parents and your uncles? I have parents that he won't acknowledge. And I have a cousin who's vaguely into hair crimes.

I'm sorry. There's so much to unpack for me. Yeah. Well, you can go ahead and repack your bags and move back into my home. Okay. All right. You say we met. You say we got married in 2002. Yes. You don't remember. In Paris. Yes. I was 12. The banks of the river said, oh, isn't that convenient? Hey, if there's grass on the field, my man. What? They do a lot of weird stuff in France. I know that.

Gerard Depardieu ring a bell. Okay. Okay. My father the hero. Okay. I just don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I cannot take this. You continually denying me has done something to me. It's caused me to lose my job, my home. Our children don't recognize me any longer. You have children with this man? Yes, we have

three, four foot tall calla lily plants and they all need water from their father. Are you sure it's me? Are you sure I got married to you? You ran out on me. Are you French but you learned English with kind of an English accent? It's more of a mid-Atlantic accent.

I've never been more insulted in my life. Wait, I just insulted you more than you've ever been insulted. This is even more than that one? You've insulted me so many times. Whoa. You're Irish now? You sound like Alma. How dare you? This is crazy. You just said loyf.

Wait, your kids are plants? I think we, I mean, if you think we've been together for this long, I think we should officially break up. Then you can move on with your life. I finally get to him and all he wants to do is leave me. I can't quite tell if this is a Jesse Pinkman situation where it's a stalker or whether Hollywood's good boy is actually Hollywood's worst boy. Oh no, I'm really tarnishing my reputation right now. This is worse than those middle finger farts

photos that you're so fond of I swear to God I've never met this person in my life why do you think what's bring bring me up to date talk about your relationship I wish payback was here and our kids are plants you say that was a mistake not to let payback payback and sniff out a liar I'd get in the juice oh man I wish payback would you say I'd get in the juice he sort of trailed off

Listen, I'm still Hollywood's good boy. Okay. Escrow, you're taking advantage of the open door policy here. I am. And that's a good thing for a lot of people, but I want to make sure you're on the level. I want to make sure you're on the up and up. What, now you doubt me? It's not that I doubt you, but I just don't know what to believe anymore. Do you not believe that this man married me in 2002? I mean, it's not smart to rush in like that. If I wasn't just a cameraman, you would have gotten a wolfarang right in the forehead. I...

don't know what those words mean maybe it's because when i was 12 i was playing crash bandicoot i don't think i was well you crash banded my coot and we got married i believe her now okay she's got okay that was a fun play on words that was a fun play on words that does not mean i'm married to this woman she's got what it takes number one there it is

You're as good as your word. I didn't lie when I talked about this. Now, what's fun about Jack is, and we didn't have time to play this clip, but Jack grew up

I believe as a teenager, he listened to Comedy Bang Bang before he became an actor. Yes, which is weird. And... I don't like that. You don't like that? You don't like new generations? I don't like them telling me how old they are. Right, yes. So he was a teenager. But I just... I'm kidding. He's kidding, yeah. That's very... It warms my heart when people say that they grew up listening to our stuff. It's very sweet. Because we were elderly men when we started doing this. So to hear someone...

grew up doing it. I'm surprised I'm still alive. Yeah. Are you? I am too. I think sometimes I'm not. Oh, no. Are we both ghosts? And this is a boondoggle. This is a boondoggle. A ghostly boondoggle. A ghostly boondoggle. But Jack, um, is very funny and he grew up, uh,

listening to Comedy Bang Bang, and I think he always wanted to be on it, not as just a mere celebrity, but as a participant in the comedy. A character. He's done improv comedy with his group over the years in comedy shorts and stuff like that. So when he... His group is called The Proud Boys? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Actually a good name for an improv group. It sucks that those assholes take it back. Take it back. But so when he comes on the show, the first time he ever came on the show and I asked him to do the show, I just asked him, like I ask any celebrity and I say like,

hey, come on the show. And they thinking they're going to play themselves, but he had prepped a character. So every time he's on the show now, he plays a character as well. He leaves quote unquote in the middle of the show and comes back as a character on this particular episode. He came back and played Janice Dickinson from America's Next Top Model. Oh, that's right. So that's very funny. Listen to the entire episode. But that was your number 14. And I have to say another full disclosure.

Ben Rogers was a writer on Star Trek Lower Decks. That's right. That's why another reason why I asked him to do it. He occasionally plays characters as well on the show. So I thought the three of them had good chemistry together. Occasionally I'll book disparate people who don't know each other. And then for that particular one, I picked people who knew each other and knew each other's rhythms, which is fun. Yes. That's who you knew from Star Trek Lower Decks.

I mean, Paul, we'll talk about this later, but you did 43 live episodes this year. I didn't necessarily want to constantly be asking you to do. Well, I mean, nobody hears the live episodes. They're fine to pay. Well, they're very popular with rich people, but I'm a man of the people. That's true. They are $20,000 like that omelet that I ate the other day. All right. We have to take a break.

When we come back, we are going to on this particular episode, we're going to hear 13, 12 and 11. We're going to come right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. Best of 2024. After this.

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Comedy Bang Bang. I'm sorry. I do this. That's so funny. We said the same thing at the same time. I know, but you knew I was going to say this because... How do you know? Can you read my mind? What's happening with us? Can you read my mind?

By the way, the new Superman trailer just came out where they use the John Williams theme, but an electric guitar version of it. They use the block letters, icy block letters. They gotta put a musical section in this one where...

You hear Lois Lane singing, Can You Read My Mind? Can You Read My Mind? She just recites the lyrics. Yeah, she recites the lyrics, but then you hear the, Can you read my mind? We have that as a single when I was young. Well, sure, it's a beautiful song. Yeah. Did it win an Oscar? I hope so. Has Superman ever won an Oscar himself? The character? Yes. Probably. In the comics, do you think he ever won an Oscar? Probably Clark Kent for journalism. Yeah.

He probably liked Wolf Blitzer in the Mission Impossible movies, portrayed himself in a movie, and won an Oscar. If the Nobel Prize Committee can give out all these prizes for different things, why can't the Oscars do that? Yes! It doesn't have to just be for movies. Oscar for, like, a car mechanic. Thank you. And they give it out to songs. Those aren't movies. Fucking A, man. Songs are not movies. Why don't they give it out to, like, best poem read in a movie? Ugh! That's the same thing as a song. That's the same thing as a song.

And suddenly every movie someone recites a poem. I'm a best agent. Hey, this is not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. Can you imagine winning an Oscar as an agent? Like just whoever put Oppenheimer together. Thank you. This was, we packaged this one. Seven of my clients had lead roles in this film. We, um, during the break,

The baker came by. You've heard tell of the baker. The baker just appeared. And dropped off some sandwiches. And I ate my sandwich and rebit my tongue, I believe. No, you were really wolfing it down. Yeah, I was trying to do it as quickly as possible because Paul is not hungry yet and was not joining me. Meanwhile, I have not eaten breakfast. But she also dropped off some baked treats. I mean, there's no way the baker's not going to drop off baked treats.

And they look, they look incredible. They look incredible. We'll discuss them as we have them a little bit later on, but we need to get to our next clip, Paul. I know.

You don't like the clips? No, I feel guilty. Yeah, I feel guilty. Because I know we need to get to it. It's been an hour and change now, and we haven't gotten to our second clip. I know, and I don't like the clips. Oh, right. Okay. Let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number 13. Number one, three. All right, episode 13. This is... Now, our previous episode was 872. That's right. This is episode...

860. So this is not that long before the previous episode. About three months by my calculations. This is wild. What's going on here, do you think? I don't know. So this was July. The previous one was July 8th. Yeah. When do you think this one? Towards the end of July. This one probably came out the middle of April, April 2nd. April 15th.

Tax Day. When you said the middle of April, you were right. Bang on. The Ides of April. That's right. Tax Day itself. This is an episode entitled The Letter D. From the alphabet. You're onto something here. Yeah. Alphabet in English. D is one of the letters. The fourth letter. This episode must be in English. Yes. Mark Hamill.

No, this is an episode called The Letter D. Let me describe the participants. We have our good friend Tatiana Maslany. Sure. You can pronounce her name so many fun ways, and that's the way I've chosen to. Yeah, it's not bad. It's close. Tatiana Maslany. Tatiana, yeah, that's the most, I think, true way. That's the closest, but there really is no correct way. Yeah. Yeah.

We say this on her behalf. There's no correct way to pronounce her name. So do what thou wilt, she'll be the whole of the law. Well, when early on, when she started doing the show, and I would say like, how do you say your name? She's like, oh, it doesn't matter. She's one of those. I've known a handful of people like that who have a somewhat challenging name, and then they have just given up. They've given up. Yes, exactly. And I think that she's given up.

in various aspects of her life, including the name one. You know Tat from... She, of course, skyrocketed to fame on the television show Orphan Black, where she won the Emmy one year, and then she was in that...

Perry Mason show. Is that what it was called? That's right. And then played an evangelist. Then she took a curious turn, uh, into the Marvel cinematic universe. Very curious. The MCU curious for her because she's someone who doesn't seem to care anything about. Well, what she cares about is destroying the Marvel franchise, which she gleefully does. Yeah.

Yes, this is if you've never heard Tatiana on the show ever since she got into even before when it was just announced she was going to be She-Hulk. She takes great delight in coming on Comedy Bang Bang. And I will always ask her for spoilers about whatever she's working on. And she gleefully provides me with fake things that are fake.

in my mind, incredibly ridiculous. Yeah. But then they get picked up by the comic book press and the film press as real things. Yes.

And there are several articles saying, saying like she confirmed this. Yes. The first, I believe was she, before she Hulk ever came out, she confirmed that it was a musical and that she was singing. It's not easy being green and fever and fever and fever is my favorite part. Cause it's not easy to be green. Makes sense. I got to get a second solo. You give me fever. That was picked up by the press.

Um, and, uh, there, there we'll, we'll talk about another aspect that was picked up by the press, but, uh, so she always, we'll hear a little bit of her interview here. She just teases out these nuggets, uh, for the rabid. She's a real nugget teaser. Yeah. Enough said. As Stan Lee would say. Excelsior! Yeah.

So we hear a little bit of Tatiana. We also have Edie Patterson. She's playing Bean Dip. Bean Dip is a character that Edie plays with a very strong, I believe, Texas accent. And she's a very eccentric character. Now, her full name is Erectile Dysfunction Patterson? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I.

I never asked her what the E.D. stood for. I don't know whether it induces it. Yeah. I looked it up. Or whether she's the cure for it. Like when I met her, I'm E.D. Patterson. I was like, what does E.D. stand for? I didn't want to ask her. I actually think her real name is Blue Chew Patterson. And she's shortened it. Chew it and do it. Yeah.

Shout out to Lauren's grandma. Yes. You'll hear more about that in an upcoming episode of Freedom. I teased your nugget. So we have Edie playing Bean Dip, and we talk a little bit about what's going on with Bean Dip. And then we have Carl Tartt.

And this is where the title comes from. He is playing a new character. This was new to this episode called Lothario Lewis, and he's a dating expert. Now, Lothario, this was his debut episode. It's very funny. Let's hear this. This is your choice for episode 13. Number one, three.

Tatiana Maslany is here from Orphan Black. Hi. This is Bean Dip. Have you ever met Bean Dip before? No, but she's, I love her. She does sound like she's covered in a lot of spaghetti. I'm clean of spaghetti right now. Yeah, right now. Okay, so that's... Sometimes I'm covered in it. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's fun, right? It's fun except in the summer. Let's not get stupid.

Now, I have you both on, but there's something pressing in the news that I need to... Not you, Tapp, but there's something that I got to talk to my co-host about. I want your opinion on it, too. Do you want me to leave the room? Oh, okay. Do you want me to plug my ears and go, la, la, la? Boy, this is a real hard choice. Sophie's choice here. Do you want me to listen actively?

I think I'll have you stay. Okay. But, Bean Dip, something happened. You mentioned Netflix. Ah! And I... Something happened on Netflix a few weeks back. Ah.

that on one of their popular shows, a show called Love is Blind. Tatiana, have you watched this? I watched the first season when I had COVID. We binge watched the entire first season in one day. In one day? Really? Okay. It was one of those COVID time warps where it was elastic time. It's like 10 episodes, 10 hours. It's not hard. I think we actually bailed on the final episode because we were like- We didn't even finish it. Well, we were like, oh, we know. And then it was like the recap and I didn't care. Yeah.

I did, Carol. You did? I've watched every season. I love it. You've watched every season, so you know what I'm talking about. Yes, I know what you're talking about. The titty slap. Yeah. Okay, so...

So on this, not the final season, because I'm sure they're going to make more. Well, they better. If they know what's good for them, they know what they're getting their money from. But the most recent season, I guess, there was an incident that happened off camera, apparently, but was talked about where one of the contestants gave the other contestant a... A titty slap. A titty slap. And then...

Called it by a certain...

A certain name that they seemed to all think was an actual thing. They all agreed on it. No one said, what are you talking about? They all went, oh, uh-huh. They all went, oh, okay. So an unexpected titty slap is a bean dip. Yeah. And I heard this and I called you up immediately. And I said, bean dip, we have to get into the studio. And I thought, well, let's get into the studio, but I'm already suing.

So you're suing. So how's the lawsuit coming? So you're deep inside this at this point. I'm deep inside this, Scott. And I'm just, hey, let me just tell you, man.

I'm already so rich, but I'm about to get even richer. Hell yeah. Are you familiar with Elon Musk? Are you familiar with Jeff Bezos? Are you familiar with everybody that everyone's mad at because they got too much money? Yeah, I wish I wasn't, but yes, I am familiar with these people. Well, I'm fixing to be over them. Over them. So you want to be the richest, not only just woman in the world. Person. Person in the world. Yeah. Wow. I'm fixing to be that because they should not have...

That's an old phrase. Don't step where you can't do shit.

Don't step where you can't done shit. Okay. Don't step where your cat done shit. Like where your cat done shit. Oh, where your cat done shit. Thank you for talking about that. No, no, I understand you. Yeah. Like I really get you. Thank you. Scott is trying to be obstinate. I don't think I'm trying to be obstinate. I'm literally trying to interpret what you're saying. Don't step where you can't done shit. Don't step where your cat don't shit. Where your cat done shit. Done shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now who doesn't understand her?

Tatiana, what do you got going on? You were, of course, a lot of people know that you were on the television show She-Hulk. Right. Where the fans rose up and... Supported us. And let you know what they thought of you. I get emails all the time.

What's going on with that show? Are we seeing Jen Walters again? Are you in these new Avengers movies? We need to make some news here. Look, honestly, Comedy Bang Bang, we're in our 15th year here. We have the 15th anniversary coming up in a few weeks. Congrats. Thank you very much. But the long slide into obscurity has begun. Yeah, out the butt. Hopefully that anus is still open and we can see what's going on. But...

Look, the show is losing its relevance. You know, you got, you know, other shows out there with, you know, big celebrities, the Smartless crew. They're getting all the attention. They get Joe Biden on, you know. It's like, Joe Biden, come on Comedy Bang Bang. You've been asking for years. Talk to Andre P. Neuer. But of course he won't. So what we need from you is we need to make some news. Every time you've been on the show before, you've made some news about what's going on in the Marvel Universe. What is happening? Yeah.

I'm in all the movies. Hey! Yeah! Yeah! I not only do walk-bys a la Hitchcock, because I directed them all and wrote them. Oh, my God. But also, I've just...

superimpose my face onto every other character. Whoa! So sorry, guys. So you're sort of like Kang. You know, they fired the guy. I'm like Krang. Yes, you're like Krang from the Ninja Turtles. I know that's a thing now. Here's the thing.

They fired that other Kang guy. Yeah, that Kang guy. I'd put you in the role. You're used to this shit. You know, playing all these different, like, you know, doppelgangers and everything from The Orphan Black. I also know what Kang is. You know what Kang is? Yeah, I know what Kang is. You don't have to explain it to me. Definitely don't give me any backstory of what you mean by Kang. Because I know what it is. You know what Kang is.

You know what it is. You'd be great at it. You know, like sitting around, you play a nerdy version. You play a brash version. Totally. The homicidal version. You've got all this online. You've done it before. The New York version. Yeah. The new, hey, what about a little pizza? The Chicago version. Chicago version. The Detroit version. Oh, those sound a little similar, honestly. Well, there's nuances there that you're not picking up. Oh, I see. When I'm kind of bopping my body up and down. Oh, that's the physicality. I'm doing it twice for Detroit.

I see. We do once for Motor City. Oh, so it's like Morse code body version. Right. So you, yeah, I mean, just stick Tatiana as Kang now and you got the problem solved. And in fact, you could probably just use old footage from Morph and Black and no one would notice, right? Just Kang it up slightly. Yeah. Just Kang it to the side a little. Make you have a purple hat. Have a purple hat that Kang wears and the little green...

kind of frilly doily thing around his neck. He's got a doily. See, you know Kang. I know Kang.

I know, Ken. He's got like a cravat or something. Yeah, and those little heart-shaped underwear. Yeah, exactly. They're shaped like a heart. They don't have hearts on them, but they're shaped like a heart. But he's probably wearing representative underwear beneath. Yeah, obviously. If he's the cartoon character that I know he is. Of course, yeah. For sure. But then you also play She-Hulk. Right. And you hooked up with Daredevil in She-Hulk. Daredevil.

Off camera. They cut away from that. Was that important to you? But we did have to do it. Did you request that? I did. I was like, I'm method. So I'm like, I gotta fuck everybody I fuck on this show. So you fucked Charlie Cox, the actor who played... No, I fucked Daredevil. Oh, wink, wink. Okay, got it. So you actually requested, hey, could we turn the cameras off during this? Yeah. I was like, guys, just be in the room with me, but just avert...

the camera. You can stay here, you can watch. Right. So the opposite of a closed set. I love a non-closed set. I love a massively open public set on sex scene days.

We don't charge. It's not pornography. It's just an experience we're all having as a... Exactly. You know. So you... Yeah, so you hook up with Daredevil and you know Daredevil's gonna be in these dang movies. So, like, it would be great to... It'd be great to have, like, one scene where, like, they're swinging towards, you know, the Beyonder or some shit and they're like, oh, we gotta stop this guy. And then Charlie Cox, like...

does a double take, which he's blind, so I don't know if he can do it. He does a double sense. A double sense, yeah, double hear. A double hear. A double take with his ears. And goes like, it's a checker banged. Yeah, but I think the problem was that I didn't lock it down. I wasn't like, we should go study. I think if I had been his GF,

Yeah. I'd be in all those movies. Well, I would think that you'd be in the new Daredevil series, wouldn't you? There's a new Daredevil series. Now you're playing it coy. I know you're in it. Yeah. Because anytime you deny something, here's my theory. Anytime you deny and go like, what? You know about it and are part of it. And then anytime you lie about something, it's not true.

Ouch. You just read me like a book. I read you to filth. You read me to filth. For filth, to filth. I don't know. This is his first time on the show. He's a dating expert. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Lothario Lewis. Hey, hey. Hey, it's great to meet you. How you doing, Scott? I'm doing really well. Hello to you. This is Tat. This is Bean Dip. Hello, Tat. Hi, Lothario. Hello, Bean. Scott, I've been receiving your emails.

I understand that you want to cheat on your wife. You are ready for infidelity. And I am here to help you. Okay. I don't know that I meant for those emails to be public, but... Oh, this is a public thing? Yeah.

Oh, did you think this was just a confidential one-on-one? I thought we was having a one-on-one. I see you brought a couple. Okay, no, no. They're guests on the show, as are you. And these are microphones we're talking into right now. I thought that was for me to hear you better, so you could tell me what you want to do in regards to cheating on your spouse. No, this is actually a public podcast podcast.

I was like, oh, Scott's getting freaky already. What type of dating expert are you? I'm an expert in teaching you how to cheat on your spouse. Okay, well. Yes. All right, well, Bean Dip, I know you had some questions for the dating expert. Does that fit into your parameters? This is perfect, actually. Oh, yeah. I didn't know you were married.

I'm married, dude, but I'm in a committed thing for me. As you know, like, I date a few public people. Charlize Theron. Charlize Theron, Bobby Carnavali. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah. But anyway, Charlize wanted to get back together, but she wants it to be too serious. So I need to figure out a way to, like, do stuff on the side. So I'm really glad that Lothario's here. Okay, great. I'm glad to be here. Okay, well. Scott, you didn't tell me it was going to be so freaky in here. I know.

I don't consider this to be freaky. This is just a normal episode. Exposed brick when there's supposed to be sound being caught. Yeah, I know. You didn't tell me. There's a fireplace going. There's a fireplace going. I mean, this is kind of a personal... There is tuna fish on the screen. This is a personal residence that I had to turn into a...

Into a recording studio. Into a freak hut. You did say come here today to the freak hut for the recording. Did he tell you that? That's what I got too. I mean, it's a nickname, but you can't say something. You can't say nicknames are actual names. When I said that I would allow him to take on my services, he did say meet him in the freak hut. And I said, I'll be there with the quickness. It's going to be sweet butter biscuits when I get there.

You did say that, yeah. I can confirm that that conversation happened. But tell us about your process. What exactly do you do? Well, I can show you better than I can tell you. Oh, okay. So let's say you, a person who has sent me an email saying that you wanted to cheat on your spouse, are ready to start cheating on your spouse. First, we go out and we hit the town. Okay. You see a little yeah that you like. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean, by the way. And you walk right up to her.

And you get the show going. How you doing? My name is Scotty D. You know why they call me that? You can take a guess.

It's because of my dick. And that's it. That should do it. And that's it. That should do it. That should do it, really. Okay, well... And that's at a bar. Do you like going to bars and things like that? Not especially. Where do you like going? Nowhere, really. But, I mean, if I had to, maybe a bookstore. A bookstore? Or the local cinema. Hey, are those books you're reading? You know what books contain? A lot of different letters.

But you know what my favorite letter is? D. That dance for dick.

Do I need the music when I do this? Absolutely. That's the only way it works. Do I need to download it on my phone or can I just play it through an app? Definitely download it. Don't use digital streaming platforms. The artists don't get those payments. They get paid half a pennies on the dollar. Well, I'm going to be doing this a lot. A quarter, a sixteenth of pennies on the dollar. So you should buy the song. Buy the song, yeah. And play it that way. I'm sensing that a lot of your technique is just steering the conversation back to the letter D somehow. Scott, me?

You say me like we've met before. And I know your qualities. He's acting like Tariq's wife. Yeah, he is. Christina again. Scott, where else is somewhere you like to go? You like to go to bookstores? You know, I might like to go to a park. A park? Sure. Those kids are playing over there. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. I don't know. I...

Can you land this plane or do we need to abort? Excuse me? Abort? Speaking of kids. Okay, no, no, no, no, no. I kind of preferred it when you were steering everything back to the letter D. Well, you didn't let me get to it. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry. So you're at a park. Uh-huh. Hey, you see those kids playing over there? You see that barbecue grill?

toss it and turn in all that meat. Yeah. Ooh, he's got some big old Polish sausages on there. You know what those remind me of? The country of Denmark.

Do you know what that starts with? The letter D. Okay, can I ask you something on that one? Please. Okay. I have a question, too. I think it's the same one. I'm always down to answer questions. It's pretty interesting because it seemed like we were getting on a direct train from Polar Sausages to D for Dick.

But then we went to Denmark, and I think there must be a complex reason why. Because when you're cheating on your spouse, women love wordplay. Okay, but the words need to make sense, don't they? Let's say you need a little bit of, you know, some way. But believe me, I know what you're saying at this point. So is there a difference in your technique if you weren't cheating on your spouse? I don't understand. Well, say you were just a single person. Who?

I am perpetually in relationships. Oh, you are? Like perpetually married? Perpetually married. Like you're a serial monogamist? Serial monogamist. Except when I'm cheating. Okay. And how often is that, if I may ask? Never. I would never do that to my partner.

However, you, Scott, emailed me. Look, I heard you were a dating expert, and I just emailed you about like, oh, not for me, but I want to hear these techniques. When a married man emails a dating expert, what is he trying to do? He's trying to cheat. He's trying to cheat. I'm not trying to groom anyone. I'm not trying to cheat. Oh, that's why you chose the park.

Hey, look at those kids playing over there. I'm Scott Alkerman. No, no, that's not me. Please don't. No one isolate that and make that a drop or anything like that. Please. That was not my voice. That was Lothario Lewis. Lothario, can we do our, well, I'm playing Scott Alkerman and you're the person that I meet that I want to cheat with. Absolutely. Oh, great. That will help me understand. I love improv. Great.

You love improv? What improv have you seen? Oh my gosh. Everything. Everything? You're a completist. I'm a completist. Okay, here we go.

Having trouble with your music? We need to give them a location. So this is truly like improv where we get a location. Could I please get a location? They're in an art gallery. Do we need to give them an object? That's more short form. Oh, okay. We're going long form on this. I don't know that we have time for this to be a herald. Thank you, art gallery.

Oh, hey. Hi. Man, I see those kids on that field trip looking at that painting. Do you? I do see them, kids. Wow. I wonder if any of them have dicks. And scene. Okay, I don't want to. Wait a minute. Say, oh, I'm sorry. What's your name? Oh, I'm Scott Aukerman. Okay, no, no, that was not me.

I don't want to be associated with this. Scott, you emailed me. Just to be on the show. You sounded like an interesting guest. Anytime I get an email, especially from a man, I know what he wants to do. I'm like Hitch. Hitch was based off of me. I didn't know that. Oh, man. You know, that's what Scott hasn't seen. Maybe you should do an episode. Lothario hasn't seen it. Number one, three.

Wow. You know, they say the number 13 is unlucky, but I feel like we got very lucky with this hilarious clip. That's right, Paul. Uh,

Very funny. Lothario Lewis, he stopped by on tour this year. Comedy Bang Bang, if I haven't mentioned it, we did 43 live episodes this year all across not only this country, but Canada and the UK and Ireland. And yeah, Lothario was in, I want to say Sacramento with us. I want to say it. Will I? I don't know. You shouldn't say it. Really? Because I don't think... Did he come by twice? Maybe...

Oh, yeah, because he was in Nashville with us, too, wasn't he? I think, yes, that place. Yeah, I think he was also maybe in Sacramento, but Nashville is definitely one. Anyway, very funny character.

And Carl is very funny. He's currently a writer on Saturday Night Live. And a little fun tidbit behind the scenes about the tour is we broke it up into legs this year. We've done some tours where it's all right in a row.

where we just go out for a month and then we come back or i think we did five weeks on the one in 2016 that's nuts um but for this tour we did it over several months and we would do um sometimes you know we'd be gone for five days sometimes we would be gone for two weeks you know but we would always come back in between when we went to sacramento that particular leg was a five-day stint

And Carl was on the entire time, supposedly. That was the plan. That was the plan. We touched down in Sacramento and we did the thing with our arms. We have our arms above our head. Touchdown. They said, all right, do you want to kick the field goal or do you want to go for two?

And everyone said, are you guys jocks? And we said, check these out. We showed our muscles. Yeah. And everyone said, whoa. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty fun. Yeah. And then I like lunged at somebody and I said, two for flinching and I punched him in the arm. So in any case, we were in the waiting area or at the gate of when we touched down on the plane and Carl got off the plane and said,

Ha ha ha ha ha. Scott, you're going to kill me. I have to go. And I said, what? When he said ha ha ha ha ha like that, it was chilling. Mm hmm.

It wasn't like a humorous laugh. No, no. It was a, I'm going to murder you laugh. Yeah. It was like a laugh you can imagine from the villain Jigsaw. Yes. Jigsaw, who, by the way, if you are a Maximus subscriber at Comedy Bang Bang, that's all you played. Who is it? It was Andrew Lloyd Webber. Andrew Lloyd Webber and Andy Daly. Andy Daly is Byron Dennison. Is Byron Dennison doing a watch along of the first Saw movie. The first Saw movie, yeah.

And you promised to do it every year. We're going to do, we're going to go through, as long as we're still alive, we'll go through every Saw movie in order. So Carl, Carl had, I guess, asthma? Asthma? He has asthma? No, as he was taking off, he got a call from his agent to say that SNL wanted him to come out to test.

And that day or like he needs to be there the next day. So we had to leave right away. I thought that meant that he was going to basically just turn around and book a ticket to New York right there in the airport. So I was like, OK, man, no, that's that's fine. Yeah, go get him. Give him a hug. And he's like, oh, no, I'll come back to the hotel. And.

And I was like, in my head, I was dreaming of canceling that hotel reservation, getting all that money back. But no, Carl went to the hotel and chilled for a bit. But then he ended up being able to do that night show as well because he got an early morning flight, I believe. So that is why he only did Sacramento, right? He wasn't on San Francisco, right? No, he had to go.

Yeah, whatever was next, he couldn't be there. Did he ever come and make it at the end in like Seattle or anything like that? Because I think he was talking about like, oh, maybe I'll come up to Vancouver. No, because they made him stay a few extra days. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. Okay, so he never made it back. But anyway, that was- I mean, can that happen to any of us? Like all of a sudden you get a call like you have to go to New York because- That's what the rapture is. Yes and no. Is that what it's going to be? Yeah. Your agent calls you and says you're going to heaven? Yep.

Leave your clothes behind. And your watch and rings, according to some. Wait, you can't bring your watch and rings? I'm fine abandoning my clothes, but I want to take my watch and rings. Yeah, I paid good money for these. Yeah, anyway, so that was a very interesting section of the tour. To put it mildly. The good part about what was happening was we already had an extra person because Ego Wotum, also from SNL,

was coming to meet us in San Francisco the next day. Because they have a give one, take one. Yeah. Give a penny, take a penny kind of situation with SNL coworkers. So she was already coming the next day. So we had enough people. And then Lauren Lapkus also came to Seattle and Vancouver. So we ended up having enough people for everything. Oh, by the way, in Vancouver, as is tradition, Zach Galifianakis backed out last minute. Yeah.

Always says he's going to do the show months in advance and then the night before goes. Oh, no. I forgot I had to stay at home. He had to take his kids to school the next morning and couldn't. Everybody does. Couldn't take the ferry. Everybody has to do that. He was going to spend the night in Vancouver and then take a ferry back. Bring the kids and have it be a slumber party. Thank you. You're welcome. I want more of our shows to be slumber parties. I do too.

All right. All right. So that's some behind the scenes regarding Carl and that particular episode. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to hear your choice for episode number 12. And maybe some behind the scenes regarding Henry. That's right. I would love that. J.J. Abrams. We'll get him on the horn. I think he wrote it. Wow. Okay. All right. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Best Of Part 1. After this. Yeah.

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Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2024 Part 1. This is Scott Aukerman. I'm joined by Paul F. Tompkins. I'm that guy. And let's just get to it, Paul. What do you say? Yeah. We got to get to it. We got to get to it. And while we're listening to the clip, I'm going to look up some behind the scenes from Regarding Henry. Okay, please do. All right. This is your choice for episode number 12. Number one.

All right. Episode number 12. Here are the stats. It's episode number 848. Wow. Now that is in the middle of the 800s. Okay. Here's something wild. The first episode we heard was 872. Subtract 12 from that. The next episode we heard was 860.

Subtract 12 from that and you have episode 848. The number 12. I'm seeing it everywhere. Yes. I'm going crazy like James Carrey. And this is episode number 12. So... I have to get out of here. I have to go to a church immediately. This is episode 848. It is an episode called Raisin Kids. Yeah.

Raising kids. This came out on January 29th of 2024 this year. And let me describe who's on it. You have in the celebrity slot, you have Zach Woods. Absolutely. Zach Woods. People would know Zach Woods from Silicon Valley. He was in the After Party season two, I believe.

And he was here promoting his own show, which I had the cookies for for several months. They were for a long time. Yeah, the aforementioned Carl Tartt, his character had a cookie. They were all heads of the characters in cookie form, and no one wanted to eat them because they knew everyone personally didn't want to be eating cookies.

Anyway, but they didn't look like the people. They look like the characters, the claymation characters. Yeah, good point. In any case, Zach Woods is here now. He has never done comedy bang bang before. He was on the TV version. Yes. Playing a magician. Yeah. But I had been I think I asked him to do it a few times around then in the 2014 or so.

And I just remember hearing back like, oh no, I don't really like to do podcasts. Yes, he had a kind of strict podcast embargo for a while. Yeah, because I do remember another guest, celebrity guest who's been on the show, I will not name, who... Voldemort? Did join the exclusive one-timers club. And then I asked, maybe a year went by and I asked, hey, do you want to do another episode? And they said...

Uh, you know, one time was fun, but I do another episode and suddenly I'm the podcast guy. And I said, fair enough. Uh, it's not for everyone. Yeah. I, uh, apparently people view it like, uh, you know, going to driving school or, or drivers that, what is that when you get a ticket and you have to go to, you have to go to like a driver's ed kind of thing. Like it's completing a, an obligation that they have to do. Um, but, uh,

But so Zach just never wanted to do a podcast because I don't blame him. Like you say yes to one suddenly, like everyone's like, oh, you're so good on that. Come do mine. I mean, that's why I called Zach was the podcast guy. Yeah. Because he did another podcast. He did mine. And I was like, you're a podcast guy. You're a podcast guy now. And in any case, so I think suddenly I was just shocked to my very core when I got an offer for Zach to be on the podcast via his representatives. Yeah.

And I was gladdened. I was excited. These were glad tidings. And true to form, Zach is a very, very funny guy. He's an improviser, UCB improviser from long ago. True to form, he is very, very funny on this episode. And one of my favorite interviews that we did this year.

Um, so we hear a little bit from him and then we have, um, a person named Lisa Gilroy making her first appearance on our countdown this year. Um, she is playing a child development expert with a name that I'll just let you hear for yourself. Sure.

And then we have a gentleman by the name of Charlie McCracken. That's correct. Is on this episode. And he is playing another character that I will let you hear their name as well. So let's just hear this. We're going to hear three sections of this episode. This is your choice for episode. Yes, Paul? I just want to say.

Scott is generously letting you hear these people say their character names. And so I want you to say thank you, Scott. Say thank you to your podcast device, to your pod catcher. Okay, thank you. This is your choice. This is episode 848, your choice for episode number 12. Number one.

Please welcome for the first time on the podcast, Zach Woods. Hi. Hi. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here and a little bit shy. Oh, it's great to have you. You know, a big fan of your work. I've been chasing this down for 15 years. We finally landed you. The white whale. Yeah.

Our Moby Richard, if you will. Thank you for that. Yes, I like to clean it up. Because that's why I didn't come on for a long time. As I said, that show's fresh. There's a freshness to that show, and I just can't abide that. So thank you for cleaning it up. But I am going to say a couple of dirty words right now. I hope you're prepared for them. But you have a new show called In the Know, and it's out now on Peacock. Peacock.

Okay. These are two just filthy, filthy words. It's frankly, it's kind of redundant thematically because one originates from the other. Exactly. Yeah. I guess only, only P comes from, as far as I know, doesn't come from P. But it's not like I'm saying, oh, this is my mouth food. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, get rid of one of them. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, please do. For example, this just happened before we started recording. I said, I have, I would like to pee. Yeah.

Some people say I would like to use the restroom. Do you feel that there's something gross about imposing an awareness on the people who are with you? I do. And to me, I always feel like when someone clarifies that it's just pee, they're lying. And I think that they're really... Jerking off. Yeah, exactly. The white stuff is coming out. You were right. You were right.

No, I do. I don't need to know what you... It's none of my business what you do in there. You don't have to tell me what you're about to do. So you prefer I have to go to the restroom? Sure. Or I'm going to go into this room.

That seems really much more suspicious. I would be nearly certain that the person was going to masturbate. I'm going to go into this room. For an indeterminate amount of time, I'm going to be occupied in this room. What was your first television experience? Let me guess, The Office? Yeah. And there was gay merch and stuff like that? No, but you would just see...

for the show you were on or whatever. And there were like Silicon Valley, there started to be like stuff where you'd see like, oh, this is a little doll that looks like you're... Or fan fiction, I like that. Like erotic fan art, I really like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been reading like

fan fiction about one of your characters and then you're reading and going like, wait a minute, I've done all this. And then you're like, who sent this? Who posted this? You know, I grew up with a kid who was, I think went on to be a Marine and was like from a kind of conservative family. And this is the sweetest thing. Adolescent boy, like loved sport, you know, just kind of like your prototypical like jock kid. But when he didn't like pornography, he liked to find things

old literary ironica and read it. Isn't that so sweet? Read it to himself? Yeah. Like other guys that have like whatever penthouse and he would be reading about like

whatever, like lady shatterly's lover. Yes. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. I mean, you know, that's what it was written for. Isn't it sweet that he felt? Yeah. I don't know how I found out. I'm sure. I'm sure once the internet was invented, he's just like, oh, okay. Now I'm, now I'm at Pornhub. No, I think he was finding it on the internet. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And one time he had, we had a sleepover and I made him read a one act play with me.

I guess maybe because my dad would read us Lost in Yonkers or whatever Neil Simon plays. So then I was like, let's read. This will be fun. Truly. Me and my dad do this. It was like an old, well, this is what I didn't realize. This is before I knew he liked the literary erotica. So I was like, let's read this 19th century British satire one act play. And then we read it and he was like, damn, he did it. And then later I found out about the literary pornography and I was like, oh.

Yeah. I wonder if he got horny while we did this play. Oh, interesting. I hope so. If he, if it felt, if he wanted to. Man, I got to go to one of these sleepovers at your place. Yeah, man. These sound great. I mean, they're not, just to be clear, it's not happening currently. That was when I was a, Oh really? Oh, okay. Yeah. When I was age appropriate. I thought this was like two weeks ago.

No, but if you wanted to sleep over at my house, you're legitimately welcome. Could I really? And I'm not talking about couch surfing. I'm talking about a real sleepover where we're in the same room, you have another bed, or maybe we make a fort and stuff like that. That's fun. The thing about sleepovers for me that was really interesting is just the kind of...

scuba diving into another family and seeing like their traditions oh my god it's not the same I my first best friend was a born-again Christian and my family were heathens you know we're just secular Jews and we would curse all the time and I I was we're playing Atari and I said god damn it and his mother Judy just like oh my god she was she wasn't angry she was just heartbroken she just went oh we don't do that we don't say that

And I was bewildered. Another time I was at my friend James's house and his parents were fighting and I came home and I was really upset. And I told my parents, I was like, James's parents are going to get a divorcement. And they did. Oh, okay. You're right on the money. Yeah. Yeah. I was right. Wow. Okay. Not to brag.

Let's get to know our next guest, though. What do you say? Because maybe we'll like them. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, that would be great. She's a child development expert. Do you have, I don't know your personal situation. Do you have children? No, I have none. None. None. Zero. Zero children. Yeah, so the sum total of your children is zero. That's right. At this point. Okay.

I have the sum total is one. So I have a recent child. And so I'm very excited to talk to her about maybe what's in store for my child. And this is a serious subject. So I'm glad that we have someone who's an expert on. Please welcome Margot Titts. I'm sorry, what was the, can I just, what's her name? Margot Titts.

Hi there. Thanks for having me on the show, Scooters. Hi, Margot. Yeah. Yep. It's me, Margot Titz. I am an early childhood development expert. When you say early child, meaning early childhood, or you are an early adopter to the world of child development? Both and neither. So earlier than you could ever imagine, when the baby starts growing, it's so early on. Now, I've written a book called Raising Kids. I'm an expert on Raising Kids. Raising Kids. Raising Kids. Raising Kids. Raising Kids.

Raisins? Like the California raisins? It's like they're just tissue, like a raisin in the womb? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sure. You don't have to yes and this. No, I am an expert on raisin kids. Now, what's a raisin kid? It's a kid that's so small, it's the size of a raisin. Okay. That's what we're... Okay. You know, premature baby? Yeah. Is that a specific person? Yeah.

He's a mascot for the local hospital. Premature baby. You've never seen him? I haven't seen him. I work with him on, you know, educating the public on different kinds of babies. Okay. Wait, is your job just to educate us about the different types of babies? Well, and specifically, I guess, raising kids. So now when a baby is premature, it could be a weak premature. That's kind of what we call the big fat ones. And on the other side of the scale...

You could be maybe one day premature. You could be eight and a half and 12 days premature. And that is a reason. That's not as far back as the scale goes to, by the way. That's as far back as it goes. Yeah. Because the raising kids are still living and they get sent to the special incubator in Ontario. Oh, I see. Ontario. Are you Canadian, by the way? No. OK. Yeah. I just you have a Canadian air about you. Oh, I'm I'm from Minnesota. Oh, you are. Raising capital of the world.

I did not know that. My wife is from Minnesota and she does not like raisins. Maybe that's why. I'm married, Scott.

You don't have to say, oh, my wife this. I'm not coming on to you. Okay. I said I was married. I know. You're trying to tell me that you're married as if I'm doing something inappropriate to you. You're not. I mean, you are very close to me right now. I hugged your lower back tight when I met you. Yeah. Maybe too low. I have a recent lower back tattoo as well. It's very itchy. And so it kind of irritated. Were you a premature baby by any chance? I was not. No, I was. I was to the to the day. Really? I believe. Yeah. How come your body's so...

Yeah. So like that. Explain. So like what? So, well, it's stretched in the middle and it's melted on the hands. Yeah.

Big, tall, but not really emotionally big. Yeah, yeah. Taking up a little bit of space as if early origins would suggest not fully developed. No, I don't know how to explain that other than just not working out maybe. You have the premature riz the kids are calling it. Exactly, yeah. So tell me about your work. What exactly do you do? Do you have an office? Do you... Well, I'm on a mission to raise awareness for raising kids because...

You see, what happens is they get sent to a special hospital in Ontario, the Shania Twain Memorial Hospital. Oh, that's a... She's not dead. We're just remembering her. And we... We can remember people. We can remember.

Yeah. Don't call in. Yeah. Don't get upset. Don't be complaining about like, oh my God, you made me think Shania Twain was dead. Well, and she's going to be eventually. We all are. Zach, you ever think about that? About Shania Twain's death? Yeah. Every day. Yeah. Shania Tumnus. How do you think she's going to go?

Oh, my God. I think just like. Hopefully, like while she's doing something she loves. I hope it's just that she transcends. She just passes over. Yeah. Like in the middle of a big concert, she's singing like, you hear that, boys? And she sings about who? Men, I feel like a woman. Yeah. Brad Pitt or whatever she's singing about. And then just suddenly she's just like, boo, just like Jesus. Boo. Just boo. Right up to heaven. Remember when Jesus went up to heaven? He was like, brr. Yeah.

He just went up. His reggaeton stuff was pretty offensive, honestly. Yeah, it really was. It's like, Jesus, I know you're Middle Eastern. So tell me. Right. So special hospital for the premature kids that are on the raisin side of the scale. And so now what I'm here on the podcast to talk about is there's been a terrible mistake. Oh, no. A mistake. Now, I was in charge of the raisin kids and I took him for a field trip.

To unfortunately the Kellogg's factory. No. And they went on the belt line and they got themselves into the two scoops of raisins in every Kellogg's box of raisin brands. All of them? All of them. Okay. So now. How many souls are we missing?

At least 400,000. You brought 400,000 raisin kids? Well, they're a little itty bitty. They almost fit in my purse. Oh, my God. What do you mean they almost? You tried to put. I brought also a backpack, a second person, a bowling bag. Oh, okay. So I brought them over there. So sort of like when you get a milkshake, you get an extra cup or something like that? Exactly. And I was at the factory. I was showing them around. I had to go pee.

Gross. In the bathroom. You were going into that room over there for an indeterminate amount of time. That's right. Okay. And what I was really doing was doing poo. You were? But I told them pee. I told them pee. And when I came out, they were all gone. And I said, oh, Christ. They've gotten on the belt and they've gotten now distributed to America. Oh, no. So anyone who's eating Raisin Bran right now. Yeah. Ugh.

This is a terrible, terrible story. So you got to check to see, you know, do I have a raisin or do I have a raisin kit? How can we check? What are the differences? You can take a raisin and you can hold it underwater. If you see little bubbles coming, it's screaming for its life. Okay. That's the only method. No, it's not the only way. Okay, because this seems cruel. It seems like waterboarding these poor little raisin kits. Well, don't do it for long. If you see a bubble, as soon as you see a bubble, take it out. The minute you see one bubble?

The minute you see one bubble and it's going to be a small one. This should be a two bubble test. No, it's not the two bubble test. That's for higher up on the preemie scale. For the big fat ones. That's the big fat preemie test. And that's kind of you shouldn't be testing it. It's like if you've got a big fat preemie baby, you know what it is. Don't test it. I would prefer to test. Why? What are you worried that it's going to be? I just don't want to find out that I was wrong and it's not. And it's not premature? Yeah. Oh. If it's on time, I want to know.

hmm because if you're late you're early either the whole thing if you're earlier yeah five minutes early is being on time that's right um what so what uh uh people need to every single raisin that's in your raisin brand yep you need to hold underwater for how long just a moment as soon as you see a bubble take it out or you know check for things like little eyes little boots pants if it's wearing clothes at all it's a raisin kid okay any kind of clothes and this is

I can imagine the post or this is Kellogg's, right? Kellogg's Raisin Bran. I can imagine the Kellogg's company maybe making a cereal that has like raisins with clothes on it. They do. They have. It's a fruity. It's a part of fruity pebbles. It's fruity pebbles now with raisins with clothes on. What happens if I just eat them? Well, it gets even worse. What happens? You know how gremlins, they eat milk and they can become more gremlins? Yes.

I mean, as you know, how gremlins eat milk and become more gremlins. That's that's not covered in the movie. Whatever this cute flirtatious act is. Oh, pretend I don't know a movie. You are nose to nose with me right now. Back up. It does feel like you're laundering your flirting by mentioning your wife because you're and I don't know. Are you married, Margo? I my husband's dead. Thank you. You said you were you said you were married. Yeah, but he well married once and married forever into the grave. Wear a sweater.

wear a sweater, wear it not, take it off when you get hot, kiss your husband once or twice, married forever, roll the dice. And that's from the Bible. I haven't heard that particular book. What I was going to say about the gremlins, which you claim to not understand in a flirtatious way, is that if you do happen to be one of these raisin kids, it embeds itself inside intestine and becomes, makes more. Oh no, so then you have so many of these kids, it's like parasites. Have you ever pooped out a raisin, Scott? I mean. That's given birth.

And that means if you saw one, there's about 40,000 others in the toilet bowl. And they eat poop to stay alive. What?

Zach, have you ever heard the like? I mean, I guess I never wanted kids before, and that continues. Yeah. I mean, I guess I was lucky with what happened with mine. I mean, it just came out kind of. Oh, you had a regular size? Regulation size. Yeah. That is lucky. Yeah. But you don't know. You should check the house. You might have raising kids in there. Oh, no. Really? Yes. I pooped out corn before. Are those kids? I'm not sure. I don't deal with that species. You don't deal with corn? No. Did you say that species? Yeah. Is it different? Corn kid, I don't know it.

But I think they have. Corn kid, I don't know it. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so check your raisins for pants. And if they're sugar pants made by the Kellogg's factory, you'll be able to lick them off. But if you can't lick them off, that's a real trouser. So lick the pants. But don't do it in a perverted way. These are children. Jesus Christ. Do you recommend getting consent before you do this? Of course. Okay, so ask the raising child whether you have consent to lick his pants off.

And if they say yes, that's one clue as to whether it's a raising child or not. It's a clue for sure. You put them underwater still. You still have to give them a dunk. All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. She's an educator. This is so exciting to have...

Another woman on the podcast. Another woman on the podcast. Can you imagine, too? I can't wait. This is incredible. Please welcome to the show, Mrs. Maxie. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi. Oh, I'm sorry. Is Mrs. Maxie, I thought- Yes, I am Mr. Gunlock. I am here filling in for Ms. Maxie. She's out today, so I'm a substitute. I'm an emergency certified substitute teacher. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I guess I could have- What is your name again?

Mr. Gunlock. You can call me Mr. Gunlock. Oh, I can call you Mr. Gunlock. Yep, you can call me Mr. G if you want, Mr. Gun, Mr. Lock, either or any of those works. Mr. G is cool. It sounds cool when I say it, right? What about Mr. Goo? Mr. Goo? I've not been called that, but that can be our special thing. I like to have a special nickname with every one of the students I have in class. Oh, really? So it's like the special handshake? Yes, but I'm not allowed to touch students, so I don't do that, but I do do nicknames. Is that personal to you, or is that every teacher is not?

Every substitute teacher, you have three things that you're trained on. Don't touch students. That's part of the, you're a mandatory reporter of child abuse. And also don't touch students. Bloodborne pathogens and classroom management. Those are the three things that you're trained on to become an emergency sub. Oh, okay. And what is the emergency? What happened with Mrs. Maxine? You know what? If she wanted you to know that, I'm sure she would have told you. Oh.

Oh, okay. You know, honestly, I kind of wish she had just canceled instead of sending. I mean, do you know about what she was going to talk about? No, you know, she didn't leave me a lesson plan or anything that I know of. But, you know, I know how to handle a classroom and I know how to handle groups of people. So I'm going to we're going to use my classroom management skills to make sure everybody's doing all right. Thank you all for sitting down.

Oh, sure. I mean, we're adults, too, so it's actually kind of fun for us to sit down. Standing is worse.

Whereas I think when you're a child, it's the opposite. They want to be, you know, they have so much energy. Well, what you do is you make sure instead of calling out bad behavior, you want to make sure that you're complimenting good behavior. So I want to say thank you all for sitting down. Thank you all for behaving and being quiet. I'm sitting on Scott's lap. And I would say that's an unwanted behavior because you're not supposed to be touching each other. I'd say over here to Zach, thank you for not sitting on anybody's lap. Oh, no problem. Can I thank her for sitting on my lap? Because that's a behavior that I like.

Well, are you trying to manage the classroom? I could. He's got you there, Scott. Well, are we flirting now? A little bit. That's very inappropriate. I'm not allowed to do that at all. Okay. I'm sorry. I want to try too. Mr. Goo. Is it true what they say about your goo? Oh, what do they say about my goo? I'm not allowed to ask that. I apologize. And I have to say, I am married.

So I don't know if this thing that we have, obviously we have something very combustible. You want me to hop off your lap? Yeah. Could you do mine? Hey, do you mind if I hop on yours? Oh, okay. Okay. That's fine. Zach, thanks for not flirting with anybody. Oh, I've been flirting. I've been flirting. Oh, that's flirting to you? Yeah, I just don't, I'm not that great at it. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I have a hard time. You're doing great, pal. But I think, honestly, are you with anyone? No, I keep myself free from my hobbies. You do? Okay. No wives or dead wives, anything like that?

- No, I have a trail of failed girlfriends. - Oh, they failed-- - Me. - They failed you. - They failed me. That's right. - That's sad. - I have high standards. - Well, you know, it seems like we have two available single people who are, you know, very available and looking for love perhaps. - Certainly. - And so if you wanna go on a second date, we'll pay for it. - You will? - Sure. - Where will you send us? - Wherever you want in the world.

Where would you like to go? Maybe the Statue of Liberty's torch? Yeah, let's go check that out. We can write that off as well as a business expense because we're going to make oodles off of this screenplay. If I'm paying for it, I don't know if you're going to write it off as a business expense, but whatever you need to do. Well, I'll double dip if I can. Do you feel like that's a key feature of your date planning is tax savings and stuff? Quite a bit. Quite a bit. Because they're not thinking that way. My dates, my failed girlfriends, I'm always finding out they are not

considering the financial repercussions of our dates. And do you feel like the same thing with like where you have to keep fires alive in a literal way, like that that's your sole responsibility with your partners? Well, I think what? Like, you know how you have to keep fires alive? That is, by the way, the perfect comedy bang bang answer. It's wait, what? All righty. Yes, we have, of course,

Uh, Lisa was playing Margot tits and, um, and then Charlie was playing Mr. Gunlock, uh, substitute teacher. Now, Charlie is occasionally a substitute teacher, which is why he knows so much about it. I didn't know that. Yeah. He, uh, I think, uh, he, he's very funny. He was on the show, uh, AP bio. Yeah. Really funny show. Yeah. Really funny show. And he was very good on it. Uh, and you can see that Sean and, um,

He, uh, he, he came out on tour with us in, was it Madison? Madison. And he just destroyed in Madison. He did that fucking guy. He did, uh, the Menards guy. Oh, I can't remember his name. Who I, I'd never heard of. Um, but everyone in Madison had. Oh my God. That kind of shit. I love that so much.

when I don't have to get it in order to appreciate the joy that it is bringing people who really get it. And that's the thing about comedy I've always said is like growing up watching like SCTV, I didn't know who Sam Peckinpah was, but they were making fun of him and I got a good idea. You don't have to know who a thing is to think something is funny. But Charlie's very, very funny. He also does a character...

The cop? The cop character. He's trying to get gans. Trying to get gans! That's not on our countdown, but that's very funny. Charlie... He took his gun. He took my gun!

Charlie's very funny. And then Lisa, of course, this is our first appearance from Lisa playing Margot tits, trying to raise awareness for raising kids, kids who are little raisins. Yeah. You just heard it anyway. Very funny. Paul, we're going to take a break and then we're going to hear our last episode of part one. This is exciting. I'm excited. I'm excited. That's what I meant. Do you think we'll crack the top 10?

Not this episode. You don't think so? I don't think so. Oh, man, that's disappointing. But did you think we were going to? I thought I'd hoped we would.

Well, of course I hoped we would, but I just don't, I just don't see it. I don't see it happening either. Actually, I've cheated. I've looked at what our next episode, what number it is. You're a cheater. I know I'll never prosper, but when we come back after this break, we're going to hear your choice for number 11, not the top 10, but number 11. Still exciting. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Best of Part 1 after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang Best of Part 1, 2024. A lot of numbers I'm throwing at you. Sorry about that. So many, yeah. 1, 2024. It's wild how much numbers are in our lives. Play into our lives, yeah. I would do away with them if I could. All of them? Mm-hmm. You wouldn't keep 1 to 10? Nope. I think that would be handy. Why? When's the last time you ever really needed a number? Well, shit, you got me.

Like, I have no answer. You know, I'll just say, like, give me a handful of those bananas. And however many bananas I can hold, that's how many I'll buy. How many bananas do you think you could hold? Maybe half. If they're removed from the bunch. Oh, removed from the bunch? These are singular bananas. Oh, not removed from the peel. Removed from the bunch. Okay, I'm really trying to game this out. From the bunch once removed. I bet I could hold...

I have in between my fingers. I have four gaps. Oh, wait. Are you going to like put the little stems in there? Like Wolverine claws. Oh, loophole. I bet I could carry five bananas. How long could you carry them? Three days if I stayed up the entire three days. Wow. Hands on a hard body style. That candy killed him.

That's the earworm that's in my head. I don't remember that part. Do you remember there was a dude who, if you haven't seen Hands on a Hard Body, it's an amazing documentary about people trying to win a truck by keeping their hands on it. Which we watched during Mr. Show, I know, during the season that I worked on. And I swear that we were trying to write a sketch about it, but I don't recall if we ever did. That sounds about right. Yeah. But there was one guy whose plan was...

to eat a bunch of candy for energy. And then he is, of course, eliminated. That's a minor spoiler. Yeah. He doesn't make it. He crashes. The candy plan did not work. And then they interview one of the other contestants, I think, that went out before him. And the guy says, that candy killed him. And I probably think about that once a day. Because you keep a lot of candy at eye level around your house. Yeah, and it's filled with poison. Yeah.

Yeah. That candy killed him. I just love the, not to spoil too much about it if people want to watch it, but I love that the last one or two guys start hallucinating and start imagining that they've always been there. And that the car dealership grew up around them. Yeah.

Fun stuff. Well, speaking of fun stuff, we have to get to our next clip. And this is the last clip that we'll hear of this particular episode. But this is your choice, everyone, for episode number 11. Number one. OK, now this ideally should be the last time we ever hear number one one.

Because people are going to remind us on June 1st. Now, of course, we're still going to hear number one, zero. Oh, no, that'll be number 10. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have up to 10. Number zero, five, six.

If we record it, we should record zeros. We should record zeros. But that, so remember, if you want to hear a streamlined, beautiful, modern... Beautifully sung and performed. Yes. Rendition of the numbers. With like...

A little bit of jazz influence probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also kind of rocking. Yeah. And maybe a sous-son of punk spirit. Sure. Then you must remind us June 1st to re-record the numbers. And not after June 1st. It's got to be June 1st or bust. Yeah. Not before, not after. June 1st. Remind us to record those. We must. We must. We must increase our bust. And we will do it. That's right. And we will do it. And we will do it. But this is on you guys. This is your fault.

And it always will be. All right, Paul, this is episode. This is everyone's votes voted for this for episode 11. This is episode number. This is the palindromic 888. That spooks me out. Yeah. Because if you subtract 222 from that. Yeah. Another palindromic. The worst one. Yeah. Because it's the devil. 222, by the way.

That's palindromic. Then you add 222 to it. It's 444. That's palindromic. Where does this end? I think it ends at 888. Wow. How much do you have to add to 888 to get 1001? 1001, you would... Or to get 999, I suppose. 111. Palindromic. Ah, palindromic. Palindromic. Now, what's even spookier is the title of this. This came out on October 28th of 2024. Okay, that's very close to this. The title of this episode is

Return to Suicide House, Dom Parasol. Okay. The first part I get. I'm familiar with these references. You'll hear it in the clip, exactly. Second part. I assume there's a colon in there. There is a colon, yeah. Okay. A lot like human beings. Dom Parasol? Dom Parasol. Dom Parasol. Okay. Yes. You'll hear exactly how that comes up. I hope so, because it makes zero sense to me. Yep. Well, you didn't listen to this episode when it came out, apparently. Who says I didn't?

Maybe you just forgot it. Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, maybe I did. Oh, okay. Let's talk about who's in this. We have our good friend, of course, Jimmy Pardo is in this episode. That's right. From the Never Not Funny podcast. Correct. He graces us with his presence once every couple of years, I believe. And then, quid pro quo, Clarice, you appear on his podcast as well. Every six months. But I do ask Jimmy to do it more, but he's a very busy guy. He is.

Um, but, um, this has Jimmy Pardo. We have John Daly. We have Ben Rogers. We heard Ben Rogers earlier playing the night wolf, Jack Furs, and we have Nick Weiger. And, uh, this is a, when I say return to suicide house, that's because we haven't done one of these, uh,

Since 2017, that was episode five. Wow. Andromic 515. We haven't done one of these Halloween episodes in 2017. We used to do them every year, sort of. And then I got sick of it. Yeah.

And it's just hard to, it's very hard to schedule these particular people all the time. Yes, yes, yes. Now, what happened this time, how it came about was I booked Jimmy. A lot of times on this show, the booking, how it comes about is you need your anchor in terms of like the celebrity guest.

who is very busy and can only do a very specific time, right? So that's Jimmy. I said, hey, I really want you to have you on soon. Can you do next week? And so I booked him at a particular time. Then I went out to Ben Rogers, who has never done a Halloween episode before. Of anything. Of anything. He didn't even know what it was. I explained the concept to him. Yeah. All Hallows Eve. He has to go back to Samhain. Yeah.

And so Ben was solid for that date. And then he reached out to me and said like, hey, man. You're Ben Rogers. Hey, man. When's this episode coming out? Do you know? And at the time I said, oh, it's either going to come out on October 28th or November 4th. I don't know when. And he was like, oh, okay. Because my idea is kind of Halloween themed.

And a light bulb went off in your skull, like a jack-o'-lantern. Oh, yes. We keep light bulbs and jack-o'-lanterns. Yeah. Makes more sense. Yeah, of course. Why? To buy candles? Yeah, come on. In any case, so he said, oh, it's Halloween themed. And by the way, we're coming up on 24 hours until we're supposed to record, and I still don't have other guests. And I've been scrambling trying to find people. But I was like, oh, it's Halloween themed? Yeah.

Let me just reach out to John Daly. It can't hurt to ask. I recently went to Jane's Addiction with John Daly. Yes. Saw one of their- That's a restaurant here. Yes. Where you can get hot dogs. And so he was on my mind. So I said, John, any chance you are free tomorrow to do your character Buford LeBaron? And he was free. And I said, wow, I just got to reach out to Nick Weiger. Why not?

Nick Weiger happened to also be free, which is just very rare that everyone just has a day that everyone is free. Very rare. So we just threw together another one of these Halloween episodes, and you voted it to be number 11. Now we have Jimmy Pardo is himself, and then John Daly is the aforementioned Buford LeBaron, who is the occupant of the titular suicide house, a creepy house.

Haunted House and he's been alive for hundreds of years and then we're not going to hear Ben Rogers' character because we heard him as the Nightwolf but that character is Raven Maze who has a haunted corn field I believe but then we're going to hear Nick Weiger who joins us as a new character so this is very exciting so you guys voted for this this is your number 11 number 1

Um, Jimmy, it's great to have you on the show and I appreciate you meeting me here, uh, at the new studio. I got a, uh, Earwolf sent me an email saying there's a new studio, uh, that you're going to be recording in. That was not on Waze, by the way. It wasn't. Yeah. It's a little strange. It's an, uh, an address I'd never heard of, but we're here.

And I appreciate you meeting me here. A brand new era of Comedy Bang Bang, and you're here. What do you mean by that? Well, I mean, a new studio. It's kind of a brand new era. That said, Jimmy, it's great to have you on the show. I like the new digs. And we... They are a little drafty, so I think you're hearing the wind blowing through. Did you not close the window? You can close the windows. That may solve that problem. That would solve the draft problem. Not the military draft, but it would...

Somebody just opened the window more. Yeah. Can we shut the window? It's the good. The wind is now. It's sounding like it's saying English words. The Halloween.

Is this a wind talker? We got a wind talker? We may have a wind talker. Hello, it is me. You're going to have to be more specific, sir. Buford LeBaron. Buford LeBaron. Why is that? Scratching a little tickle in my brain. Why do I know those? Because of Halloween episodes. We stopped doing Halloween episodes years ago.

Why wouldn't you do it? It's a way of wasting the holiday. I got sick of doing them for some reason. They're once a year. Why would you get sick of doing something once a year? We're in the studio. I'm sorry. You were just talking about my favorite website. Funny or die. Oh, wow. Okay. All right.

Okay. Sir, we have the studio. Because I love comedy. So if it's funny, that's good. But then if it's bad, it dies. Sir, we're in the studio for a while. May I ask you to find your way to an egress? Okay.

Scott, this gentleman... Is that some fancy... I'm 300 years old. Well, then you should know more words. There's never been a time when that's a normal thing to say. No, I'm sorry. Sir, we're in the middle of a show. I got the... There must be some confusion. I got the address to this new studio. Yes. It's 1122...

Boogie Woogie Avenue? Yes, that's my address. Lightning strike. Oh my god! Hey! Wait a minute, I remember this address. Yes! Suicide House. No, we're back! Yes.

Jimmy, I'm so sorry. Now I'm unhappy about it. My son is going to be very unhappy, it turns out. Are you guys done? Legitimately, hi, I'm Jimmy. I've spoken before. Frighten me. Wow. Good. Hi, Buford.

Yes. Buford LeBaron. Yes. Sir, where have you been for the last eight years? I've been knocking on doors. Oh, are you canvassing? I'm getting very political lately. Oh, really? I've been knocking on doors for Joe Biden. Oh, no. Sir, sir, sir, you've got old news.

Yes, he's my favorite. Sir, you're wasting your time. Wasting my what? Your time. He's not running anymore. This gentleman's out. Well, you don't know that my time is out. I've wasted all of it. You're 300 years old. When were you born? And so I'm advocating for dead people's rights. Were you born in the 1700s?

Yes, yes. I died in the Pirates of the Caribbean. Ride? Yes, the real, what the ride is based on. Oh, okay. Yes, the first cannonball thing. Thanks for having us, Buford. How did you trick me into doing another episode of this? Because... I didn't say why, I said how. Okay.

Okay, asshole. Okay, asshole. Easy, Mr. LeBaron. I'm sorry, but you go ahead with what you want to say. Welcome to Comedy Fang Fang. That's right. The most evil Halloween...

holiday podcast once a year to ever be back right now. That's right. Yes. Halloween is coming up. I'm sorry I didn't look at the dates, Jimmy, but Halloween is this Thursday. It's on the 31st this year. The 31st this year. Yeah. Buford, do ghouls like you? I'm sorry to be reductive, but you are a ghoul, right? Yes, I'm a ghoul. Like so many in America now.

Do you dress up for Halloween? No, I don't need to. I just stick around. And this year I'm going to be just working the phone banks for two bucks. Again, sir, I'm begging you to move on to a new... It's a candidate. No, no. Well, there's only one for me. Only one will represent dead Americans. All right. Which I identify as...

We need representation, just like every other kind of person. Dead people. Buford, are you woke now? Do you have the woke mind virus? No, I'm trying to fight it at every turn. Are you really? Yes, yes. No, no. I'm fully dead-pilled. Dead-pilled. Wait, you're dead-pooled. I'm dead-pooled, yes. You're dead-pooled versus Wolverine. In that I beat people up and then do funny clips and quits.

And clips, sometimes. Sometimes I do. Sometimes you'll give him a haircut. Why not? Why not? Sure. He doesn't need a haircut. He's Deadpool. That's right. He's made of scabs. Does Deadpool have a wig on at any time? You mean like, no, I think he's always... Wait, wait, what? I feel like he's wearing a wig because he's bald, right? He has a scarred head. He's got a scarred head. And he wears a wig. Yes. Right? Right.

I'm correct on this, right? Yeah. Does he wear a wig? Do you think The Rock should just wear Deadpool's wig when he's in a movie? I do. I mean, if you're asking seriously, my answer is yes. Like, have The Rock go, hey, give me that wig, brother. That is the best Rock impression I've ever heard in my life. He needs to wear more funny wigs. That is something I've... What if he wore the John 316 wig?

I would welcome it. In a movie. Big rainbow wig? Sure. He shows up to the set one day. Yeah. He's cast in Jungle Cruise 2 or whatever the fuck he does. And he shows up and he goes... And he has the rainbow wig. And everyone's like, ha ha ha, look at your hair. And he's like, ha ha ha. And then they go, okay, let's rehearse. And he still has the wig on. Everyone's thinking, like, he's going to take off this wig. And then he...

does take one and he doesn't take the wig off and people go up to him and go, hey, you still haven't taken the wig off. He's like, no, this is what I look like in this movie. What happens then? I think that they kiss his ass and they let him do it. And then we love it. I mean, that's basically what happened to Tom Hanks. Yeah.

in those Dom Parasol movies. What are they? You doing okay? Where he's searching around for the missing shit. Da Vinci Coaches? Good lord. You just called it the dumbest thing. It's nothing like Da Vinci Coaches. I couldn't remember Da Vinci. It's nothing like Da Vinci Coaches. Dom Parasol. Dom Parasol. What if Da Vinci's name was Dom Parasol? I would love it. Would he be as famous? Can't answer that.

This is great. Well, I don't know if our next guest does any of those types of sounds, but I do know that he writes and composes music, and my producer is giving me the information on who the person is. And please welcome... Oh, no. All right, please welcome back to the show, Leo Carpazzi. Hi. Scott, your listenership, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but Leo Carpazzi...

cannot attend this year's Comedy Fang Fang. Oh. Oh. I don't know that it's a disappointment, honestly. Jimmy, I don't know if you know. I don't know the history, no. Leo Carpazzi, do you want to explain? I'm sorry, who are you, sir? Yes, I should introduce myself. You should. My name is Satanic Carpazzi.

Satanic Carpazzi. Is the satanic in quotes like a nickname and your name is Nick? It's part of my legal name. Satanic is your nickname? People call me Nick as a nickname. Talk right into that thing. Yeah, sure. I know you're not used to being on mic. And you're here speaking on behalf of this other fellow? Yeah. So what happened is that my Leo Carpazzi was my great uncle.

And he liked to come on Comedy Fang Fang. It was a thing he looked forward to every year to come on the podcast. We stopped having him on, I think, the last time. He came on semi-regular. It seemed like it was a biannual thing. Maybe three years ago. He may have still enjoyed it. I think during lockdown was the last time we talked to him. No, he came on after lockdown. I know he was voted as number one character in quotes of all time. He wasn't a character to me. I mean, he was a character. He's quite a character. But I just knew him as Great Uncle Leo.

And unfortunately, this man who famously composed The Monster Mash in 1962, a song later popularized by Bobby Boris Pickett, although the version that Bobby Boris Pickett sang was a sanitized version of his original vision. He was a man who was obsessed with death, obsessed with the macabre, and now he himself has passed on. Oh, good. Leo Carpazzi is dead. I'm so, so sorry. I mean...

I won't say he was a beloved addition to our roster of guests necessarily as much as he was on the show several times. He was on the show a number of times, and again, he treasured these experiences. He talked about it all. Scott Aukerman, Scott Aukerman, he's such a great champion of my vision for the song. He's getting the word out. He's platforming me. This man whose original lyrics were smothered by the industry and this...

G-rated version that Bobby Boris Pickett was singing everywhere. That's the one that everyone knew, but that's not the song that he wrote. I don't know whether it was reciprocal, our feelings, but I never really cared to have him on the show. Part of his thing was, Jimmy, and you don't know this, he kept promising to write a new song. Every year he would come onto the

podcast with a new and fully distinct song. I don't know. Completely original compositions, very diverse, hitting all sorts of genres, and that was part of his gift as a great composer. Well, I hate to hear about

any human being dying, honestly. I hope that no one... I love to hear. I must say, Scott, as we were going through his estate after his passing yesterday. Oh, goodness. It's very fresh. I understand why I wasn't told. Yeah. Maybe. Things might have gotten busy. No, it just happened. It was 24 hours ago. Like, you could have emailed us. Well, I don't have access to his email account. He was an old man, you know. But you had the instructions of where to come? Yeah, I knew where to come. Yeah.

I knew 1-2-1-2 Boogie Woogie Avenue. 1-1-2-2, but okay. So anyway. But as we were going through his estate, as we were going through his belongings, we found one recording that none of us had ever heard that I believe was his final composition. And there was a note attached that said, Please deliver to Scott Aukerman, care of Comedy Fang Fang, for play on the podcast. Wow. I believe this is his Mozart's Requiem.

The thing that he was working on when he exited this mortal realm. Okay, so you haven't heard it? I've never heard it, no. As per his wishes, it's to debut on the show. Well, here's part of my issue with this. I would have Leo on the show all the time. Yes. He would come on, he'd say, I've written a new song, I've written a new song. And it would be exactly the same song, but with a slightly different intro. Sometimes not even that.

Yeah, I mean, we have a different interpretation of this. My memory is that he did, you know, nine or ten fully distinct songs that all had the common theme of a monster fuck, but they were all kind of their own riff. So my fear is I'm going to play this song and it's going to be the exact same song. I have reason to believe this is a completely new song. What are these reasons that you have to believe this?

You know, it was, we looked through his diaries, we looked through his personal writings, and he seemed to be saying, like, I'm really expanding. Why not just listen to the actual song? Because his wishes were for you to hear it first. So you read his diaries and stuff? Yeah, we read his diaries. Is there any weird shit in there? There's some weird shit. You get some weird shit when you read his diaries.

Well, I mean, I'm reticent. Jimmy, you haven't heard these other songs. I've not heard the original, so I'm interested to hear this new version. Yeah, I mean, look, my hope is that this is a brand new masterpiece. I can say I feel confident that this is not just another version of the monster fuck. I feel in my bones, in my heart, in my soul, this is a wholly new song. Okay. I mean, it sounds... Honestly, I'm tempted...

Because I, first of all, he has been on the show many times. I hate to hear about his passing and I would like to honor him. Sometimes when we honor those who have passed on, we show clips of their previous appearances. So even if it were the exact same song, it would be like airing clips of his previous 10 times, I believe. So I'm not against it. I'm tempted by this, but what I would really love is if it were just a brand new masterpiece akin to the Monster Mash song that we've all grown to love.

We're gonna find out, I guess. I mean, do you wanna just play it and we'll all find out together? I guess we can, yeah. Alright, let's do this, I guess. This is, uh... Is it titled or anything like that? The title is simply The End.

I think he knew the end was near. And again, you know, incredible. This was kind of his meditation on his final moments. All right. Well, let's hear it. This is a debut of a song called The End by Leo Carpazzi. His final, final masterpiece. This is for you, great uncle Leo.

I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly, to my surprise, his trousers dropped right to the floor. With his bottom bare, he ran to the door. I said, Frankenstein, what's gotten into you? He said, my dick is hard and I need to screw.

He did the monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. That monster sucked and fucked. He did the monster fuck part 10, the end. From my laboratory, I heard quite the racket. Deep in the castle, the vampires jacked it. The zombies all fucked in the graveyard grass. Wolfman whooped down Frankenstein's ass. They did the monster fuck. The monster fuck.

It was a graveyard! Fuck! Those monsters sucked and fucked!

They did the monster fuck part 10, the end. The beasts all fucked as the orgy spread. Bigfoot gave the headless horseman head. Swamp Thing jerked off in the castle moat. While Frankenstein gagged from the jizz in his throat. The fucking was wet, there was spooge like mad. Igor decided to fuck his own dad. The mummy let out.

A horny moan when Medusa's bare tits turned his dick to stone. They did the monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. Those monsters sucked and they fucked.

They did the monster fuck part 10, the end. And Frankenstein's bride was horny as hell. The hunchback went bareback and rang her bell. She got titty fucked by a giant spider. Jizz made the streaks in her hair much whiter. She fucked every monster cum one cum all. Her three holes were filled like a bowling ball. And while skeletons boned his undead bride,

Frankenstein just jacked off in crimes. It's now the Monster Fuck! And it's a graveyard fuck! Those monsters suck and fuck! Now you can Monster Fuck Part 10, the end. Oh no, no, not now! I'm supposed to go on Comedy Fang Fang tomorrow. I see a white light. Martha, Martha Wayne, I'm coming to join you. My final words were Monster Fuck.

Oh my God. That was hard to listen to. Number one. There we go. Very quickly. Yes. Behind the scenes of Regarding Henry. Yes, please. The character Linda was added to the script just two days before filming wrapped.

before filming wrapped and what characters linda no idea okay but if you're a regarding henry i said i promised behind the scenes i did not promise knowledge of context yeah um we were uh talking last night about uh nick's uh monster fuck song yes and how aggressively

He says those monsters sucked and fucked and how it's kind of disturbing. Yeah. And then we watched the video, the funnier dive video. And it's even seeing his face do it is even worse. And we we've taped him. I think I taped him doing it this year as well. I never released it, but it's yeah, it's, it's definitely, he gets very into it. There's something about it. That's very chilling.

Yeah. He's a chilling guy. Yeah. He's a stone cold chiller. He just like to chill out. Yeah. Um, that was, uh, it's back on the countdown. It didn't crack the top 10, but I'm glad that people enjoyed the, uh, return to the, doing the Halloween. It was fun. It was really fun. Yeah. It's really fun. Oh, the other part I wanted to mention about not doing the Halloween episodes is, um, certain years where Halloween occurs very early in the week. Um, um,

I get sort of cognizant about not putting out a Halloween episode on, like, say Halloween is on Tuesday. Yeah. We put out a Halloween episode on Monday. People don't catch up to, you

listen to this week's episode until Thursday sometimes, Halloween's already over. You know what I mean? This year, Halloween happened to be on Thursday of that week, and I thought that was a good enough time where... Do you know what I'm saying? I do know what you're saying. I do know what you're saying. Although my feeling, I guess, is that if you see that it's a...

Episode themed to a holiday. You'll want to listen to it on that holiday. Sure. But I but I also sometimes think of like, OK, you've taped all these episodes of the great Christmas light fight. Yeah. And you don't have time to watch them until December 27th. And then you're like, I'm not in the mood for this anymore. I understand. Yeah, absolutely. But that's on you.

Why are you taping all these episodes? If you're taping these, you have to manage your time. Yes. So you don't ruin it for yourself. Anyway, it was great to hear all those guys again. And that was a very fun episode. I was laughing during it a lot. Yes, you were. Very professional. Yeah, it was very fun. And so that takes us to the end of this episode of part one. But we have one piece of business to go.

Yeah, we do. And this is what we talked about earlier in the episode. This is, of course, the snowman game. Now, what is the snowman game? You may ask, what is the snowman game? And you'd be right in doing so.

The snowman game is. Do you want to move the baked goods? Yeah. Okay. Now, the snowman game, Paul, you chanced upon this particular snowman where and when in your life? This was at the old Earwolf Studios. Oh, it was already there in the Earwolf Studios. Yes. It was a decoration in the Earwolf Studios. Oh, okay. This makes sense now why there is this second one that we have. And when I discovered that this snowman, he's very cute. He's a classic snowman who's wearing a red scarf. He's holding a candy cane. A striped candy cane. He's got a.

He's got coal. Yeah, striped candy cane. Yeah. Do you ever see solid colored candy canes? I'd like to. Okay. You know, like what about people who have vertigo and can't handle the stripes? I like to see a black candy cane. Yeah. That would be cool. And he's got, okay, he's got, he does not have a corncob pipe, but he does have little coal buttons, coal nose. They didn't go for carrot, which is fine.

And then seems to have regular eyes and a regular mouth. Yeah, like a human eyes and mouth. And he's got a top hat with a sprig of mistletoe. And here's the thing. You squeeze his little fat hand. And then he spins. He moves. He spins and then stops. He spins, kind of dances around, stops for a bit. He sings, let it snow, let it snow. But then he returns to spinning.

And he stopped in a different place every different place. Every time you never know where he's going to finish the song. Now, Paul, you've been doing this for several years. You have. It started on off book, I believe. OK. And you own or you took home with you one of these snowmen. I think I bought one. You must have bought one. OK. So then this is the original Earwolf one. Yes. Because last year or the year before.

you were looking for it and couldn't find it. That's right. I thought that we were done for. You thought you'd have to cancel the show. Yes. I was packing. I was going to move. Yeah. But Kimmy, our producer, had this one and brought it by. And so now we can play the snowman game. And the object of the game is you want the snowman to ultimately stop when he's done his song.

You want him to be facing you. Directly at you. If he is facing you, directly at you. If he's facing you, you will have good luck for the new year. That's right. Now we've bet on this in previous years. I think I owe you a dinner, which I was going to take you to Olive Garden and use my gift certificate from doing the comedian feud. That's right. And if I won, if you won, I would do the same thing. No, I have not done it yet, but we have to schedule this. Yes, we do. So are we going to do a bet on this one or are we saving this for part four?

Let's save the bet for part four. Okay. Because then we'll see how we're doing. Yeah. Okay. Great. Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Squeezing. I'm going to point him facing neither one of us. By the way, I'm going to face, I'm going to put a microphone and aim it over towards him. So you can hear his beautiful song. Yes. He accompanies himself. Okay. Now I've positioned myself where I want to be. Okay. Okay. Three, two, one. It is.

First spin. He's spinning. He's spinning. He did two complete turns. He's facing neither of us. Spinning again. Two and a half turns. Right at me. Right at you. Right down the barrel. But that does not bode well for me because he's not done. There's no way he's going to. Now he's splitting us. Put a little tease. Oh, back where he started. Back.

Not where I started, but the first spin ended there. Yeah. Wow. That's it, neither of us. Okay. All right. All right. We'll see what happens next episode. Now if...

That is not an exciting tease and makes you want to come back on Thursday when we have part two. I don't know what is. Also, not to tease people to death. You nugget tease. Another Don Cheadle clip. Yes. And more regarding Henry behind the scenes. That's right. And we're going to crack the top 10. Oh, also that. Finally.

Finally, this is incredible. We're going to see you this Thursday for part two, then a week from today on Monday for part three, and then a week from Thursday for part four. This is what we do every year. We hope you enjoy it. And I think Christmas happens in between these. So have a... Yes, it does. So have a happy...

Christmas if you celebrate it. And also Hanukkah starts on the 25th as well. There you go. So Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to those who observe, even the haters and losers. Yeah, sure. All you haters and losers. We love hearing from you. All right. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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