They were chased by Bob Ross, who hounded them for years after they appeared in the Guinness Book of World Records.
They disagreed on whether the parents in the movie paid Harold Hill for the instruments or if they ordered them themselves from a catalog.
It featured the return of Tatiana Maslany and Christian Brune, and a unique twist involving the Baxter FKA Decker Triplets buying land around the Calvin's ranch, making it inaccessible.
According to the will, the Calvin's Triplets had to retrieve Chico from a liminal space, and they succeeded, thus inheriting the land.
He revealed that he is a former Wells Fargo wagon driver and that he loves cutting open feet and looking inside them.
She was nervous because Kevin Feige, the head of Marvel, had kidnapped her pug and her other dog, Jimmy Choo.
Scott is leading 2-0, with the snowman looking away from Paul and right at the bathroom.
Randy Snuts wanted to show his thoughtful side and included items like a DIY urinal kit and a booklet of compliments.
He was considering applying for the record of the strongest gag reflex, meaning he doesn't gag easily.
Tatiana had canceled the previous week's episode at the last minute due to a sinus infection, and she wanted to clear her name and make it up to the show.
Thanks to IP.
Learn more at phrma.org slash IPWorksWonders. Sometimes you have to break from tradition to make something better, or in this case, a smoother spirit. Martel Blue Swift is made of French cognac, but because it's finished in bourbon barrels from America, they're not allowed to call it cognac.
The shockingly smooth taste is rich and aromatic with distinctive hints of toasted oak from the bourbon casks, making it perfect for cocktails. Martell Blue Swift, defy expectations. Enjoy our quality responsibly. Comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, bang.
Oh yeah, indeed. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, best of 2024, part three. It sounds to me like he's saying, oh no. He's saying, oh no, you think? Oh no. I said that's what it sounds like to me. So you think he's...
You think Reggie Watts, by the way, who does the theme song, who performed that, improvised it live in studio during episode 102, I believe. You think that he was frightened by the prospect of a show happening. Yeah. You read into it correctly. Oh, no. Oh, no. I got to get out of here. He doesn't say anything after that. That's a good point. So, there you go.
Occam's razor. Ockerman's razor. Oh, shit. Were you with the first time you heard that expression? Did you get a little excited? I was sort of like, oh, am I old enough to shave? Yeah. Yeah. Am I old enough to shave? I have a great, great big bushy beard. So you heard this expression when you were a child? Uh-huh.
And I put away childish things pretty soon after that. I didn't hear it until I was a man and I'd already put away childish things. Oh, okay. Yeah. But obviously before I thought I was a teen, I did some childish things, but I was trying to. Yes. Yes. I thought as a, I thought as a teen, I acted as a teen. Yeah.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang once again. Yeah, man. This is part three of our 2024 best ofs. It truly is. And this is an exciting episode because we're going to be cracking the top six, then we're going to crack the top five, then we're going to crack the top four. Yeah. Yeah. We're just cracking these things. We're top crackers. Yeah.
Um, we're definitely tops. Unlike of course, that guy from last week, Ebenezer Scrooge. The notorious power bottom. The notorious power bottom. The guy from last week. You know him as the guy from last week. It's Ebenezer Scrooge. Like, do you think Scrooge during the summer, what is he like?
Can you see Scrooge in shorts? Yeah, he probably wore shorts. They're like, he's a pretty chill guy during the summer. Yeah, he wore shorts and sandals. Yeah. It's just that, you know why? He just gets seasonal. He's got sad. Yeah. I mean, people get sad around Christmas. A lot of people do. Yeah. So I cut him a break. Yeah. He
He wasn't so bad. He's probably out there playing badminton during the summer. He didn't need to be visited by ghosts. No, he's just kind of a sad guy. Hey, you're depressed. You have a problem and we're going to send ghosts to your house. Hurt people. Hurt people. Thank you. A friend of mine was in a show. I think, I guess it was like a theme park type show. My favorite kind of show. And the premise of the show was that
I mean, essentially, Scrooge relapsed and had to be visited again. Right. Second part two. It's so fucking stupid. Hey, Scrooge, remember last time? Yeah. You said you'd learned your lesson. I mean, honestly, that is what would happen.
Yeah, probably. Everyone tries to get better and then they just fall back into their own habits. But you know what? Scrooge was so old that perhaps he could have died before relapsing. That's the thing. If you ever want to change your ways, wait until you're just right about before you're about to die. Yeah. And then you won't ever relapse. I got into an argument online one time. Yeah, what's better? Online argument. With somebody who, because there was an adaptation of Scrooge
that, or of Christmas Carol, that FX did where... The effects channel. Yeah, of course we have to see the backstory of the villain. That's the new thing now. Oh, yes. How did Scrooge come to be? Hey, guess what? We see all this in Ghost of Christmas Past. Yeah, exactly.
They covered it already. Yes. But this person was saying... This is where he learns how to say bah. Yeah. Someone says bah around him and he goes, ooh, I like that. I'll use that. I'm bugged. I'm stealing that.
but this person was saying actually i thought it was a good adaptation and it uh it fixed one of the fatal flaws or the fatal flaw of christmas carol what and i was like please tell me what's telling me what the fatal what has made it be so unpopular yes what is the one problem with this beloved story that's been retold countless times
And they said that Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, Scrooge only changes to save himself. And I was like, no, he's not. No. In fact, well, here's what I would say. Before I was in it back in 1992. Sure. At the Sacramento Theater Company, I maybe had seen some adaptations which were
facile and perfunctory at best. And it can come off that way of just like, the only part you remember as a child is the big skeleton guy going like, check out your grave. Yeah. And oh no, okay, I'll change.
But when you read it and when you see a more complete version, in the version I was in, I was struck by how much of the Ghost of Christmas Past stuff is important to the story. Yeah. That's where he starts his whole journey of realizing how much he's changed and how much of an asshole he is. Yeah. Because the thing is, he's not...
It's not that this prevents him from dying. No. It's not like the skeleton guy is like, check out your grave. You're never going to have one of these if you change. Yeah. No, it's just what's written on it. The idea is the lead up to the reveal of the grave is everybody's talking about this asshole who just died. Yeah. He was the worst guy in the world. Yeah. And Scrooge is like... And yet he still came to his funeral. Wait a minute. Who is that guy? No, they didn't go... Oh, that's right. It's people who were there. Funeral...
This is all people who are like, we're very sad. He was an asshole, but still a human life. Yeah. So it's not like, oh, Scrooge is now immortal. Although that's a great idea for a movie. The Immortal Scrooge.
He goes back and forth so many times. Now I'm a jerk again. I figured out I can't die. So I did have an idea for a movie that I was thinking about working on. I think I've told you this. He thought about working on it. I thought, well, you know, you have like ideas for things and you're always sort of juggling like, oh, which one do I spend time on? No. Well, with me, it's none. Oh, okay. Yeah. I just keep those ideas in my head. Think about them every single day. Never write anything down.
So I had this idea and I'd run it by my agents and they were like, that's honestly your most commercial idea of all of these. That's the one we would say spend time on. And I had been thinking about it and thinking about it. And then I turned on a movie and it was that idea. Oh, no. Lily was in it. Oh, I auditioned for that film. As what? Will Ferrell? No, as the ghost of Jacob Marley. Oh, okay. I had to sing and everything. Yeah. Yeah.
And never heard a word. Never heard back. Ooh. I got ghosted. Wow. You got Marley'd. Yeah, my idea was just like, I mean, this crew, they did it for Ebenezer. They must have to do it for other people all the time, you know? Right, right, right. So wasn't that the premise of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Great. Love it. Love it when someone gets to an idea before me. Now, considering...
That movie came out on a streamer, right? Yeah, I think it was Apple. And then did anyone... I don't remember anyone ever talking about it. No, I don't think anyone ever watched it. But I do think that just that's the way that one came about. Yeah. If I had done it, I probably would have written it terribly. Why do you say that? I don't know. Why can't you say I probably would have won the Oscar? Yeah, for a Christmas Carol movie. Sure. Sure.
For a modern revisionist take on A Christmas Carol. It's the beauty of the public domain. Yes. What do you hear when I do a Steamboat Willie? There is a horror Steamboat Willie coming out this year, I think. You know how the Winnie the Pooh thing? Yeah, it's one of those. Anyway, I have to introduce us. My name is Scott Aukerman.
And you've been listening to us for now nine minutes on the dot without us ever saying who we are. I am Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang every week and here co-hosting with me as he does on these best of episodes every year for the past probably 14. We have not ascertained that as of yet. We have...
the hilarious comedian who has all of his own stuff going on, but he also does characters on this show, Paul F. Tompkins. Hi, everybody. It's nice to be listened to. Yes. It's not nice to be seen. Oh, I don't like being seen. No, but to be listened to? Don't want to be reminded what I look like in a photo. Um...
We are here. We are gathered here today to... Dearly beloved. To count down what you have all voted on to be the top episodes of Comedy Bang Bang for 2024. Now, we've discussed the voting period of the last episode. We don't have to talk about that. Nope. But we're calling it the best of 2024. And our first episode is going to really...
Shake the title. Oh, no. Our faith in the vital. Our faith in the vital. Faith in the vital. Is this going to change the balance of power in the Comedy Bang Bang universe? I hope so. Oh, you hope so? Yeah. Okay. Come on, Black Adam. I love Black Adam. He is in the Comedy Bang Bang universe because he did an episode of the Batman show. Oh, that's true. That's true. He changed the balance of power. Yeah. Um...
We are counting down your choices. Basically, everyone got to vote for your top 10, and we have, on previous episodes, counted down episodes 14 through 7. And on this episode, we're going to do your choices for 6, 5, and 4. That seems fair. It seems equitable. It seems like... It seems logical? Yeah. Yeah.
And it seems just. Thank you. Yeah. We're all about justice. Yes. We want...
basically everyone there to be equal justice under the law. Is that movie Justice League in black and white? Is it because it's like these characters see things in black and white? I think it's interesting when you see a movie like Wolverine. I saw the black and white version. I didn't know that happened. Yeah, yeah. In fact, in one of the... By the way, coming up a little later, we're going to have Don Cheadle clip number three from Ocean's Eleven. Yes, as well as... And I know before you start whining...
Regarding Henry, behind the scenes anecdote number two. But the last clip that we played was in black and white, and I don't think that part of the movie is in black and white. I think someone did what Soderbergh has done with the Indiana Jones movies and just did a black and white version of it. It looked really good. Soderbergh did that with the Indiana Jones movies? With Raiders, definitely. With Raiders, okay. I think he not only did it in black and white, but he did a different score as well.
as well. Like, he likes re-editing. Wow. I'd like to see that. I haven't seen that. Yeah, it's interesting. He edits most of his movies, I think, under a pseudonym. And he's just a guy who loves editing and loves, like... Wait a minute. I feel like the editing credit in his movies is Mr. Edits? Yeah. That's him? Snippy Cuts McGee. He's Snippy Cuts McGee? Yeah.
A.K.A. Mr. Edits? Wow. I was wondering why that credit was so long. But he just loves editing, so he'll edit movies that other people have made and put it up on his website for free and just be like, here's a different way to look at this movie. Absolutely. Which I think is fun. But I do like black and white versions, and the Justice League one, while I didn't watch it, I think it's fun to watch movies in black and white.
I'm not against black and white. I just, it's a, it's an interesting Michael Jackson song. That's right. Huge morphing technology. Love it. Do you think Ted Koppel is happy that that's one of the last things he ever talked about? Oh, he's gotta be. He's still with us. Yeah. Good. I'm sure he's,
stop talking about anything else right you mean like all he talks about is like it's like yeah do you want to visit ted uh grandpa ted for christmas he's just going to talk about everybody sit down and be quiet this video uses morphing technology ah boy we love them don't we folks we love ted koppel here in this house we love ted koppel
But we're going to do the regarding Henry fact. We're going to hear a clip of Don Cheadle in Oceans 11. And at the end of this episode, we're going to play another edition of the Snowman game. Currently, we are one to zero. That's right. In favor of Scott. Yes. So we'll hear exactly what happens in part three. Can I catch up? We don't know. If it hits me again...
I don't know. I doubt you'll be able to catch up since we only are playing one more time. Yeah. If it's two to zero. I know. So we'll see. Yeah. I did like how we started it on a different place than we did the last time. So we'll do that again. You mean the snowman himself? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. To keep it fair. To keep it fair. It's clearing my throat.
That's how you. Results. Hey, don't results speak for themselves. My throat's clear as a bell right now. All right. Well, let's I tease it a little bit, but why don't we get to it? This is your choice for episode number six. Number six. Episode six. I talked about how this is the best of twenty twenty four. Yeah.
This is episode 843. So this is pretty much in the middle of the 800s. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Almost right in the middle. Yeah. So close to being dead center. So close. This was from December 18, 2023. What the fudge?
That's right. We talked about the voting eligibility period last time. This is the holiday episodes, the one that just came out two weeks from today, two weeks ago from today, that was not eligible for our best ofs because we record these a bit in advance and we couldn't get all your votes in time and all that kind of stuff. So there you go. So there you go. But this one was eligible. This is the 2023 Holiday Spectacular. Absolutely. Yes. Yes.
No one's disagreeing with you. No one would. All right. Who do we have? We have Jason Mantzoukas. Jason Mantzoukas, first appearance in this year's Countdown. We have Paul F. Tompkins. This is your third appearance in the Countdown this year? We're two.
I think this is your Nwete special, and then you're also in Fire Can Be Fun. This is your third appearance. We have Tim Baltz, his first appearance. We have Lily Sullivan's first appearance. Sean Diston's first appearance. Guess who's back? Vic Michaelis. Guess who's also back? Carl Tartt. Right.
We have Drew Tarver, his first appearance. First, I think, maybe only episode eligible. Lisa Gilroy is back. Dan Lippert. Gil Azari. And Will Hines. Wow. That's a murderer's row. Stacked. Now, this was so long ago, I'm trying to remember details about it. I think...
This was the one, maybe it was the one before this, and I've talked about this last time, but I think this was the one where I...
wrote to everyone telling them what time to show up, and I forgot to CC Will, even though he was on the schedule. Yes. And I kept going like, where the fuck is Will? He's a guy who always, he likes to show up at the beginning and hear everything, even if he's at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kept going, where's Will? Is he okay? Is he okay? And then I checked the email and I never CC'd him on it, and I texted him frantically like, hey, we're doing this episode right now. Can you come by? And he did. I think that's this one, maybe? It reminds me, as many things do, of when...
Jesus and Joseph and Mary lost our Lord in the temple. Yes. And he was, you know, doing his teachings even as a child. Oh, I like how we lost Kulop's sister in the Disney store at Disneyland once. In the store? Yeah, in downtown Disney. Is that where she ended up being or you were in the store and then she disappeared? We were in the store. We suddenly couldn't find her. We searched what we thought was the entire store, but it's so huge.
that we could never find her. And then the people at the store said, usually if we put out like an announcement over the intercom,
she's probably somewhere in the store. And so we finally found her and Cool Up was crying and crying. Oh, no! Because we were in charge of her. She was young. She was like 10 or something. Right, right, right. And we were in charge of her for a week or something. Did they do the announcement? They did the announcement and said, go to this part of the store. Right. And they did, and that's where we found her. Thank Christ. Thank Christ. Can you imagine if she was still there? And what if she was so young? What if they sold her as a doll? Well...
Yeah, that would be bad. I mean... But I was thinking she'd be raised as a Disney Store employee. No, no, no. And that would be the only culture she knew. No, check this out. This is a picture of her. She looks exactly like Mickey Mouse. Oh, fuck. Yeah. She'd be sold as a doll. Yeah. It's unfortunate for Harry. Yeah. Yeah. I mean...
She looks like a rat. Not like Mickey Mouse, but... Like if Mickey Mouse was real. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine if Mickey Mouse was real? With his Caucasian face. And his clothes. Yeah. And his stupid-ass voice. Shut the fuck up.
Mickey Mouse is in front of me right now. You know what I'd say? I'd say shut the fuck up. Get the fuck out of my face. So here's the other thing I wanted to ask. Yeah, please. Is this the first appearance of Fred Guinness? I can't recall.
Is it only a year ago? I don't know. This is the first clip we're going to hear. The first appearance ever? I don't think that it is. Let me look it up. I can't remember. Why am I bothering to chime in? Yeah. I don't fucking know. No, you were on the 14th anniversary show. Anniversary show! In April of that year. Yeah.
And then you also did an episode in July. This is your third appearance as Fred Guinness. Now, Fred Guinness was, I think we talked about this on last year's Countdown. This was, we just got to talking about, you had planned to do someone else, but then we got to talking about the Guinness Book of World Records and then called you as the keeper of them, Fred Guinness. Yeah. So this is a character who's only appeared on the phone, via phone. Yeah, it came up.
Spontaneously. And then I just didn't even bother doing. I think at the first break, I was like, yeah, let me just do this. Let me just keep doing this. And we've heard from him on tour now. The first Los Angeles show, you were in Atlanta, was it? Yes, I was in Atlanta. And you were filming something, right? Yes. But you wanted to be on it, so you did it all from Zoom. Yeah.
via Zoom, which was fun. And then this last Los Angeles show, we pimped you into doing him. That's right. And you went offstage and did him for a bit. That's right. Which was very fun. And one of the keys to Fred Guinness as a character is that I can never quite remember what the voice sounds like. You'll hear that in this clip. Absolutely. Wouldn't be Fred Guinness without it. Then we're going to hear a clip of Tim Baltz
whom you may know from The Righteous Gemstones. He plays Edie Patterson. We mentioned Edie before. Plays Edie's husband on the show. Edie is the daughter of the gemstone, of the head of the family. Papa Gemstone. Papa Gemstone. Tim is on that show. This is his first appearance on The Countdown. He plays the character Randy Snuts, who has his own podcast on CBB World called Hey Randy. We're going to hear from him today.
about gift ideas. He's interrupted by Lily, who plays the devious Carissa, Randy's on and off again girlfriend. Devious and deplestuous. Devious and deplestuous. And then we, let's see, Sean Diston plays room tone Tony. We're not going to hear that clip. We,
The name Room Tone Tony really makes me laugh every time I hear it. Vic plays my lawyer, Terry Elementor, who Vic also played on this most recent Christmas episode. Carl Tarr was playing Shohei Otani. Then we're going to hear Drew and Lisa playing the Pigshit Twins. The Pigshit Twins are back.
We don't hear from Dan Lippert playing Dr. Marty Goldstein. We don't hear Will doing Harvey the Devil. Harvey the Devil? We are going to hear Gil Azari doing Ned Bellinella, the busiest man in the world. So let's hear these clips. This is what you picked for your number six. Number six.
Jason, always a pleasure to see you. Thrilled. But we do have to get to our first guest. Fine. If that's all right. You know, well, am I calling him? Or is he? I have to call. Okay, let's call his number. I just have a random sequence of numbers here that I. Boop, beep. You don't have to say the beeps along with the beeps. I'm so sorry. Are there beeps being put in in post? Yes, in post.
I don't know how much post you do for this show. No, we're out of our post budget. Really? We're totally empty. The coffers are empty. Is that why you started the GoFundMe for finishing funds? Yes. Oh, yeah. Let me press the last number. Okay. It's ringing. It's ringing. Is he going to pick up? Oh, man. Are we being ghosted? Maybe he's not there. I guess he's not there. I bet we're being ghosted. Fred Guinness here. Oh, Fred. Yeah. Fred Guinness? That's me. You got him. Hey, Fred. It's Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang. Got him.
Hey, what is going on, my man? What is going on? It's so good to talk to you. It's good to talk to you. Listen, if my voice sounds a little bit different, it's because I don't remember it. That's okay. That happens to the best of us. Right? We wake up, we don't remember how we talk. Yeah. It's so great to talk to you. Jason Manzoukas is here with me as well. J-Man! How are you, pal? Great to see you. Great to talk to you. That's right. But I feel like I could see you clear as day.
You as well, though. Your voice evokes just even like a sartorial flair that I think is impressive. Real. You know, no one's ever said that to me before. Oh, are you kidding? I'm a real, when I, the way I dress, my style, I guess, could best be described as basic bitch. Ha ha ha.
So what does that include? What does that mean? What do you mean? You know, like I wear polo shirts and khakis. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? Do you play polo? I don't play polo. Oh, okay. I don't think you should be allowed to wear the shirts then. I agree. It's stolen valor.
From Ralph Lauren? No. Yep. The most famous polo player in the world. Did he play polo even? Or is he just a guy who was like, you'd look good in this? I think it was, you know how when you were a kid and you got, you would draw like a, if you drew, you drew like the same thing over and over again, right? Yeah. Because you got good at that. Yeah, you got good at that. And I think that Ralph Lauren probably just drew a polo guy and then he was like, I got to make this a company.
And was it a polo shirt? Because did the shirt style exist and then he's the first guy to put a polo horse on it? No, I believe that the polo shirt predates Ralph Lauren's existence. His very existence? Yes. Really? Before he was even just a gleam in his daddy's nutsack? Before he was Ralph Lauren, when he was Ralph, I believe, Lipschitz. That's right. That's right. He changed his name, really? Oh, yeah. Actually, the polo shirt holds the record for
for shirt being in existence before Ralph Lauren. The Guinness record? Yep. But that's, I totally forgot that's part of your thing. I enjoy talking to you so much. Well, I forget it.
He's dropping records on us from the beginning here, guy. That's right. You're Fred Guinness, and you are the owner and proprietor or just the proprietor? I am the owner, proprietor, chief cook and bottle washer of the Guinness Book of World Records. That's right. And you're the guy who knows them all and gives that information to all of us in book form. That's right. And I think that, you know, for kids from age...
I want to say reading. No, I would say reading to 13. Yeah, reading at age, whatever that happens to be for you, three, four, five. Yeah. To 13. 13, and then it's like people are not interested anymore. And I do have some sad news. Sorry, Jason. No, please go ahead. It's hard with these transatlantic connections.
But sad news, the two fat cowboys on the motorcycles just died. Oh, no. No, I love them. Just now? I love those guys. It was this morning. This morning? Is that what you're calling? Are you? Oh, I called you. Are you calling? You called me. I called you. You called me.
He'd kill us if we had the chance. Oh, that's very sad news indeed. They captured the hearts of everybody who picked up the Guinness Book of World Records. Everyone loved them. They'd go to that page first. It's really sad. What was their record? I don't even remember. Was it Fattest Guys? It was Fattest Twins. They were twins! Twins! So the motorcycles had nothing to do with it? No, but they did figure into their deaths. What happened to them? They were chased by Bob Ross.
Oh, no. They got Princess Died? Oh, my God. They got Princess Died? They wanted one more picture? Ever since they were in the Guinness Book, they were hounded by the press for years and years and years. Never were able to snap another picture because I've never seen a different one. No, because those motorcycles were fat. Oh, God.
Guys, can I be honest with you? What's going on, Fred? The records game has gotten me down. Whoa. No, not during Christmas. It used to be like you had a freak that had really long curly fingernails. Yeah. You need to be visited by three ghosts or something. Why? I'm not a bad guy. You need to find...
- No, but you need to find- - I just don't like my job. - You need to find- - Jesus Christ. - Everyone who doesn't like their job during Christmas, three ghosts. - Jesus Christ. - You need to find the joy of records again. That's the journey you need to go on. - I mean, one of the things that does give me joy, and I'm ashamed to say this, is of course the dark records.
that's right we talked about those last time the dark records yes these are the records in the uh it's a separate tome that only you have access to we have a guinness black book which we keep uh under lock and key right but we do record these records you must their records yeah that's our very business it's our raise on debt what are some of the dark records again well uh there's uh there's some that are in-house of course we had uh
most homicides committed by an employee of Guinness, which I'm sorry to say has just been broken. Oh, no. No, no. What happened both times? There was a an employee named Ken. He stole a sightseeing bus
Like one of the TMZ type ones? But in Ireland? Yes, TMZ Ireland. TMZ. Who do they cover? Bono? Bono, the rest. Bob Geldof. Of course, you know. The commitments? Yeah, the commitments. A lot of time on their hands now with Shane McGowan passing. They have no commitments. Great. Uncommitments.
Are you still there? Hello. Are you still there? I felt like I was getting an echo. Mm-hmm.
So Ken stole a sightseeing bus and it was one of those days where it was bring your daughter to the sightseeing bus. Oh no. So it was double the amount of people. Oh no. And all of them had daughters. Yes, they all had daughters. Half adults, half daughters. You couldn't get on the bus if you didn't have a daughter. Half adults, half daughters. They took DNA tests? They took DNA tests. You had to...
So you couldn't show up with a kid. No, you couldn't even be adopted either. We had to do paternity tests. We had to do DNA tests. Did any of them come back as 100% that bitch? That's fun. It is fun. It's fun. I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm the motherfucking Randy. Oh.
Yeah, Randy Snuts is here. What's going on? What's going on, Randy? Let's get it. Randy, great to have you back on the show. It's been a while. Yeah, it's great to be here. It's honestly a better reception than normal. You know, I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea, but when I am, people be slurping. Yeah. What's going on during the holidays? What does a Randy Snuts do during the holiday season? I mean, I shut it down. So whoop-de-doop. I dig a great dock.
I mean, I work as hard as I can for 11 months. And on December 1st, I shut it down and I just start looking for gifts for friends and family. Oh, good. Okay. So plenty of time to do that. Yeah, absolutely. So are you ahead of the game now? I'd say, I mean, what day is it? When is this coming out? Monday. Yeah. So I'm like Mondays deep into it.
I don't want to assign a figure. Yeah, I'm Mondays deep into it. But I came on specifically, I think, for the listeners because I came up with a top 10 list. Oh, you have a feature. Oh, wow. So Fred had a feature. You have a feature. This is great. I have a feature. Top 10 Christmas gifts for Scott Aukerman when you're on a budget. Whoa. Okay, I appreciate that because I'm very hard to shop for. Why? I imagine. Why are you so hard to shop for? Because anything I want, I buy. And I already have it.
Well, most of these gifts are priceless. Oh, okay. Oh, really? So you can't find these in stores. But it's on a budget. Yeah, it's on a budget. Budget of priceless. Yeah. I mean, it's from me. Yeah. And some of these you absolutely can find in stores. Okay. It's like the first one. Number one. Well, this is number 10. I'm going from 10 down to one. Oh, so you're in descending order. Subscription to Musical Theater Magazine, which you can basically get for free because no one's trying to buy this thing. Wait, is that a real magazine?
You should buy the entire entity. Yeah, buy them out. And then only cover my own musicals. Yeah. Like Hearst. And then suddenly I have a big Ackerman castle. Yeah, get yourself a Rosebud situation. Oh, I thought that you had a musical called Hearst. Yes, I am thinking about doing a musical version of Citizen Kane. Just call it Hearst with an exclamation point. Why the fuck not? I mean, I believe that that could be a hit. Yeah.
Look at this convo that I just got started. It caught fire. Thanks to my gift idea. Sure. All right. What's number nine, Randy? I'm sensing these are all slams because you made fun of the fact that I like musicals. No way. Don't be so cynical, Scott. These are not all slams. These are thoughtful things. What's your number nine then? Okay. Number nine, a DIY kit to turn your bathroom sink into a urinal. Can you guess what it is?
What the DIY kid is? I have no idea. Some ice? Yeah, it's a big bag of ice. Great. Because nothing is stopping you from pissing in your bathroom sink except a big bag of ice. Well, that's the thing is sinks are about penis high if you're tall enough. Yeah, wait a minute. And toilets are lower. It's like, why do I have to bend over to get to you? You come to me.
Bend over. Wait, what? Do you bend over to piss in a toilet? So you bend over and then with your hand you push your penis back toward the toilet? Wait. Are you getting too close? Stand up and demonstrate what you mean. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah, that's what I thought. So you hold on to the back of the toilet. You bend over. You hold on to the back of the toilet. Exactly. If you're a gentleman.
So that your penis just points into the toilet. Yeah, otherwise it goes all over the place. If you want to truly aim it in there. What's number eight, Randy? All right, number eight. Now, this one obviously is, you know, you can't find this in stores. I made it myself. It's a coupon that says, Scott, I'll let you talk to me for a half hour about hentai. I still don't even know what hentai is. Yeah, bullshit. Wow. Never have I ever.
You have to explain it to me one day. What hentai is? Yeah. It's the stuff you jack off to. It's the stuff that's on your computer monitor over there. Ah, I see. You're about to receive a mean one now. Uh-oh. Oh, no. What number are we at? Let's go. Let's see. This is number five. Okay. A homemade booklet of compliments. Like, you take really good selfies for someone who's Gen X. Oh, no.
That's savage. Not sure what the slam is there. How old I am? That was actually a nice one. Oh, okay. That was a good one. See, I was trying to be mean. I can't because our friendship is so deep. It truly is. I see you maybe twice a month. There is a slam in there. There is a slam in there that you're old. Being that you're so old, it is impressive that you take good selfies. Not incredibly old, I would say.
Shocking. What's number four? Knock, knock. What? Oh. Whoa, Randy? Carissa, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? This is so crazy. I'm hanging out with my boys. Oh, my God. I was just bringing Scott this big plate of cat puke taquitos. Oh, no, thank you. Cat puke taquitos? It's your favorite. Extra pukey. Did she say, did that woman say canock, canock? She may have. This is Carissa, by the way. Canock, canock.
Yeah, my ex-girlfriend. Oh, ex now? Is that what your relationship status is? Yeah, obviously. You can see the frost between us. Yeah, we're broken up right now. As you know. God, you are looking so hot today, Scott. Thank you, I guess. Scott, don't fall for this. She's just doing this to piss me off. No offense. You are looking good today. Thank you. Yeah, I take you at your word. I look okay. I think my voice I could see.
What's going on, Carissa? You're here just to give me a gift? It is the holiday season. It's great to see you. So whoop-dee-doo. Hickory dock. Exactly. You and I don't know each other all that well. Scott, you don't have to play dumb. We've been dating for about a year now. What? Yeah, it's really serious. Isn't it, Scott? I...
don't know that I would characterize it that way. Scott, don't dance around the issue, all right? Like, honesty is the best policy. And if you want to remain friends with me, you got to own up to it. Randy looks pissed. Randy looks fucking pissed, dude. Look at my shoulders. Oh, my God. His body language is so tight. It's gotten so tight. I'm staying on my tippy toes. You pissed me off now. Yeah.
My shoulders are locked. I'm on my tippy toes. Breathing shallow. He's so angry. I don't know that Chris and I are... That's our relationship. God, I took your virginity. He was the first 85-year-old I ever took my virginity from. Oh my God, congrats. And you may have set a record.
I'm actually applying for my own Guinness record. Is that so, lady? Yeah. What is it going to be? Carissa, by the way. Oh, Carissa. My name is Carissa. Strongest gag reflex. Meaning that you gag really easily or that you don't gag? No, opposite. I don't gag. Oh, wow. Okay. You know that. That can be just. You don't have to play dumb.
It's over, Carissa. No, don't get too worked up because remember what your doctor said. You could die at any time. You could die at any time? You could die at any time. Carissa, show some respect. I am. No, I'm firmly on Scott's side. He's sticking up for our friendship and he's breaking up with you because he sees that it's devastating me. So are you guys back together now?
I don't know. Randy, do you want to get back together? I mean, it's been fun with Scott and all, but it's kind of been like weekend at Bernie's. Yeah.
Real load around. So disrespectful. Thank you, Randy. She said more disrespectful stuff to my face for sure. Right. So you saying it to Scott's face means that maybe we can get back together as long as you don't say that kind of stuff to my face. Wow, this is very sweet. Yeah, we've had so many wonderful Christmases together, Randy. Remember that time I kidnapped your mom?
- As a gift? - As a gift. - Well, yeah, it was the only thing that got me and my mom back together. Not sexually. - Right, right. - Look at Scott. - You were estranged at the time. - Yeah, we were estranged. - Right. - I wasn't looking for strange. We were estranged. - Right, yeah. I got it. - Okay, good.
You've never had sex with your mother. You keep qualifying that you haven't had sex with your mother in a way that makes it now feel to me as though you absolutely haven't heard the recent episodes of your show. Have you talked about you banging your mother recently or something? What the hell? You need to tune in. I'm not talking about it. I can't believe it. What's that? All those times that we were going to sleep and you would put on CBB world and fall asleep. It's the only thing I could fall asleep to. That and eat prey dunk.
Well, I'm glad you guys are back together. Randy, do you have any more gift ideas to close out the... Because we're coming up on a break. I have a gift idea. What's that? A big box full of hair. Don't need one. To be honest, I don't know if I want to say these because these were on the meaner side and were... Say them. Go ahead. Okay. A coffee mug that says Scott hasn't seen his own penis. Okay.
Please welcome back the Pixie Twins. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Hey. It's Clem. Clem. Clem and who again? Pearl.
Pearl and Clem. Pearl and Clem. The picture twins. We ain't married yet. We twins. We twins. We brother and sister skin. And that's our day.
Bacon Man Zoinkin. Bacon Man Zoinkin's our father. You're their father, Bacon? I'll be honest, I don't remember the lore, but I'm willing to believe it. We didn't remember Easter until recently, but now we remember Bacon Man Zoinkin. Bacon Man Zoinkin's our father. We grew up in a tuba at the Grand Ole Opry. We're just little kids.
- This one, we're just little. - We're just little, that's part of it. - That's part of it. - Fred can't see you, so. - You grew up in a tuba. - Yeah. - An instrument not normally associated with country music. - Well, we don't always just sing country. - Anywhere there's spit, we thrive. - Oh yeah, we smell like spit
Oh, we love that tuba vibration. When that brown nose goes through our little piggy bodies. Oh, yeah. That's how we came of age, that tuba vibration. So what do you guys do? I didn't quite exactly understand. We're starting a greeting card company. Greeting card company. That's right. We were just talking about greeting cards earlier in the show. You were. Yeah, I did a tight 45 seconds on them. Really? That's too long.
Yes, it was. I just got an interesting theory that why are they called greeting cards when you just saw the person? And you said hello already. I want to hear more than 45 seconds of this. I like it. I think it has legs. So that's where you're at. You're at pig shit twin level. That's your audience. Yep, my demo. We don't think it has legs. We think it got
- We think you got hoops. - Yeah, we think you got hoops. That's right, not legs. - All right. - I'm gonna give y'all your own show on "Bombity Blang Blang World." - "Bombity Blang Blang World." - Yes. Are you in? - Yes. - We in. - We've given it, you know, Hallmark. - I've heard of Hallmark. Yeah, they do all those great movies. - Yeah, and cards, I think. - Oh, that's right, yeah. They're primarily known for movies.
Is that the model you guys are trying to do? Start with cards and make your way up into movies? Well, that's the thing is cards. They cost like a dollar fifty each movies. They're like one hundred million dollars. It's like, why? Why would anyone start with? You're so out of touch. You think cards cost a dollar fifty? Why? How much are they these days? Oh, they sing. They light up. They do all sorts of stuff. Now, these cards are like seven bucks. Seven dollars for a card. My card. What? My card. Bullets. Bullets.
I'm rich. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa. Yeah, we have Christmas greeting cards. My brother just sent me one. Oh, okay. Can we hear some of these? Yes, you can. Okay, take it away, ma'am. Three kings came riding from faraway land. At the small of our backs grows a tiny hand.
They came bearing gifts for the new glorious king. We asked the pigeon to go steady, but he said it was just a flame. What do we think? That's the first one. Wait, does it end with what do you think? Yes. Curious meter. Very specific. And sounds like pages long. Sounds like we're flipping pages in between. Yeah, well, here's another one. What holiday was that for?
These are all for Link and Kristen. It mentioned the three wise men up top very briefly. This one will help make
clear to you, Sean. Is that your name? Show-on? Show-ay. Show-ay? Show-an. Oh, our name's Pig-shit. I know. Piggy Santa came to town and oinked his snout with glee. He killed a cat and drank its blood. Piggy Jamboree. What do we think? Is that part of it? Yes.
It does stand out. This is for the piggy jamboree? Yeah, it's for the piggy jamboree. Here's another one. Do these have images on them, or are they just text-based? There's a little square where you draw your own image. Okay. But we encourage you to draw genitalia. The card comes with a little pencil, and it says, draw dick, dare ya? Yeah.
So that text is also on the front of the card. After, what do you think? I don't know. Piggy Santa brought us gifts. Now we have to kiss him. How bloody are his hooving hands? Piggy Jamborism. Okay. Okay, what do you
I mean, I'm glad Jizzum wasn't involved. Draw a dick if you dare. Piggy Santa loves the kids. He puts them deep in snow. He puts them deeper, deeper still. Piggy Jamboree. What do you think? Draw a dick if you dare. Draw a dick. Here we go. You're the latest one. Piggy, Piggy Jamboree. Piggy Jamboree.
Piggy, piggy, one, two, three. God protect us, please. What do you think? Draw a dick. Draw a dick. So they seem to become more and more obsessed with this piggy jamboree. Are you guys throwing one? Is that the holiday you're talking about when you say holiday cards? This is the piggy jamboree. That seems like the hook that is really being explored. The hoof. The bloody hoof. Well, because piggy jamboree is our born version of Christmas. Oh.
When does it occur, the piggy jamboree? Now! Right now! Happy piggy jamboree! Hope you brought your helmets!
Wait, why? Yeah, because you're going to get bopped around by our little knuckles. The youngest pigs in the group get to bop around the heads of the older guys. Oh, okay. And that's Piggy Jamboree. I'm sorry. That's all it is. That's all it is. I couldn't help but notice from some of these cards that you brought, they are soaking wet. Yeah, they dripping in blood. Yeah. Oh, it's blood, really. It's blood on mine, grease on clams.
Remember that part? Grease from our last... The cards are covered in Clem grease. Yeah, Clem grease. And pearl blood. I don't remember much from that, to be honest. I haven't started pulling the best of clips yet. Oh, it's going to be on there. You're going to want to familiarize yourself with our first... Do you remember it? Yes.
The look of terror on your face. Do you remember your own lore? I do. A lot of people saying we were written and directed by Yorgos Lanthimos. How sure are we on this? Please welcome to the show, back for a third time, I believe, Ned Bellinella, the world's busiest man. Hey, Scott, how you doing? Oh, excuse me. I'm getting... Oh, you're getting a call? Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry. I'm getting a phone call. Hello? Hello?
Yes, hello? Yes, is this the Pumpernickel Times? Yes, so no, I have a big scoop. Yes. Uh-huh, no, Bagel Boy is putting not enough Pumpernickel in the bagels. Yes. Yeah, no, they're barely brown. It's a huge scandal. Yes, no, I'd like to renew my subscription to Pumpernickel Times, too. Yes, six years, please. $1,500? Okay, what's your Venmo? Pumpernickel with a B, so Bumpernickel. Okay, and the nickel is a dime, so Bumperdime? Okay, got it. And why is that? Why is it Bumperdime, by the way?
It's a secret. Hold on a second. That's my alarm. Hello? Oh, that's my alarm. It's just my alarm. You don't need to say hello to an alarm. No, I don't need to say hello to an alarm. No, what's your alarm for, though? What's going on? It's a Honda alarm. A Honda? What do you mean by a Honda alarm? Honda, Honda, Honda, Honda. It lets me know. I just have to check if my car is parked in front of my ex-wife's house. Oh, okay. You have to check if your car is parked in front. Yes. I want to scare her, so I park it right in front of the house. Okay. All right. Is it there?
It's there right now. It's currently there, yes. Okay, so is she scared? Yes, I just do a find my iPhone and it's in there. Oh, great. Okay, got it. Yes. Wonderful. Oh, sorry. I'm getting another phone call. I'm a funeral director. You know I have a ton of jobs. Oh, yes. Hello! Yes. Hi, yes. I have a problem. Yes, so listen. I have a problem with your grandfather's body.
Yeah, here's the problem. He was a very tall man, so I couldn't fit him in the casket. Right. Well, I had two choices. I could bend his legs or I could bend his head. Well, I bent his head. I put a rod right against his nose and I bent his forehead right against his chin. And then it looked... Here's the problem. It looked like a purse after that. And, you know, I couldn't help myself, so I put coins in it. Yes. Anyway, listen, I'd like to offer you and your family 15% off on any casket for any women who die in the next five months. Okay. Well, thank you. See you on Tuesday. Bye-bye.
Tuesday? What's happening Tuesday? Everything's happening Tuesday. Oh, everything. I plan everything on Tuesdays. Oh, got it. Yes. Yeah. That's a good day to do it all. It's a good day. Because then if you finish, you're free for the rest of the week. I'm free for the rest of the week. Yes. Exactly. Do you do stuff? Do I do stuff? Yeah, I do. What kind of stuff do you do? I do this podcast occasionally. What are you doing for the Christmas holidays? Oh, you know, I'm probably sticking around here. Hold on a second. What is that? Hold on a second. That's Bruva. You know Bruva? Oh, Bruva. Bruva's not supposed to do it. Yes. Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? Bruva? Hello? Yes. Hello, Bruva? Hello? Yes. Hi, are you there? Yes. Yes. Okay, Bruva, I have to ask you a question. Yes. Okay, can you please set my grand... Yes. Wait a second, Bruva. Wait a second, could you please... Hi, how can I help? Okay, Bruva's my Siri. Yeah, Bruva's your assistant, your personal Siri. I'd like you to set my grandmother's thermostat to 95. Yes. Okay. Okay.
And I would like you to also turn on her stereo to the highest volume. Excuse me? Thank you. And I want you to turn all the lights off in the house. Okay, sure. Okay, great. And I want you now to play the song Lean Back by Fat Joe for the next six hours. Thank you, Bruva. Okay. Bruva. Yes.
That's all happening at your house right now? That's my mother's house. That's your mother's house. Yeah, I'm trying to scare the shit out of everyone in my family. Why? Why not? That must be all that's going on with you, though, right, Ned Bell? No, obviously not. Why? What else is happening here at the holiday? I have a ton more things. Well, I...
I can do all sorts of different phone calls here. You want to do phone calls? No, I have to call. Oh, you're calling people. I'm actually calling. Oh, no. They're all happening at the same time. I told you I celebrate Hanukkah, too. That's right. Yes. Well, hold on. I'm planning the Hanukkah parade. Oh, what do you got? Yes. Hello? Hi. Okay. Well, listen. I really wanted to plan this Hanukkah parade, but there's slim pickings out there, okay? Okay.
Okay, so here's what I got. I got the Jewish brothers. They're just like the Jonas brothers, but they're all weak and sick. I got a pastrami float with red pastrami on it. I got the mayor of Long Island coming. Yes. Uh-huh. And then I have some guy named Diddle Shiddle coming. I don't know what the fuck that means. I'm so sorry. Uh-huh. And I got Roseanne Barr's cousin, Suki Barr. Yes, she's very violent. And I've got a wet, broken shofar in a bag, if that's okay. Uh-huh.
Yes, and I got Paulie Schnorr. He's going to be sneezing there. Yes. And I somehow got Paul Simon who's agreed to kiss a dead white fish. Okay, I'll see you Tuesday. Bye-bye. You're going to fit that person in Tuesday as well? Tuesday, yes. Is this a polyamorous situation? With who? You and me? No, no, no. You're too busy to fuck me. I always feel like you're flirting with me. No, I don't think so. Okay. Okay. Number six.
Hey, good to hear Drew on the countdown. Hey, Fonzie style. I live over the garage. Open Fonzie style. Open Fonzie style. Hey, I'm open. Computer, open Fonzie style. It ends. It ends.
Fun stuff. It's always fun stuff. I think that was one where I had to leave before the end, which I very rarely do. Yeah, I think we did it in... That was one of those weird ones where suddenly...
everyone left along with you. And I was like, there's only one more segment. But that's what happens when body starts lapping from doing the wild thing. Yeah. From doing the wild thing. But that was a fun episode and great clips. The big group ones are always fun. It's always great to see everybody. There's a real joy in the room. Like everybody's really
tickled by each other. And we are tickling each other the entire time. No, I meant it literally. Yeah. Everyone's tickled by each other. Yeah. And it's torture. Tickling is torture. Oh, yeah. Anyway, that was great. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to crack the top five. Yeah. We just cracked the top six and now we're going to crack another top? HTB. Wow. Incredible. You're not going to ask me what that means? Hate to...
B? No. Hard to believe. Hard to believe. Yeah. We're also going to be cracking the top two when it comes to Don Cheadle clips in Ocean's Eleven and top two when it comes to regarding Henry Factoid. That's right. This is exciting. Plus the part three of the Snowman game. We're going to have so much more to come. So many parts. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2024 part three after this.
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Comedy Bang Bang, Best of 2024, Part 3. You know it, baby. And, um... Do you think my life would be different if this is how I talked? Yeah, I wouldn't know you. Why? I couldn't stand to be around you. Really? Yeah, really. What about my voice is so unappealing? I hate it right now. I want you to stop, so I wouldn't... Why?
It sort of implies something, doesn't it? If someone talks like that, when you hear someone. Well, what does it imply? When you hear someone talk with like the radio voice in real life. Yeah. What does that imply? Like that they work on the radio? Oh, yeah. How did that get started? And now I understand why you wouldn't want to be around them. Yeah. Yeah. I, I guess it's like.
You had your broadcaster voice. This is me being neutral and telling you the news in an authoritative sounding way. Then there's a way to talk about morphing technology. Morphing technology. Then I think when it was like FM radio, it was like, we got smooth sounds coming at you. You had to have a smooth sounding voice. People's hi-fi systems were better. You heard more bass. Yeah. No trouble. No. It's all about the bass. You know that she and her husband have...
side-by-side toilets in their bathroom i don't like that i don't like it at all maybe her butt's so big she needs two you know what now i like it oh well um guys we're having fun this is what podcasting is all about and um
It's exciting, Paul. We're going to crack the top five. I don't believe we've cracked the top five this year yet. So to do it right now. No, are you kidding me? All year long we haven't cracked the top five? I don't think we've cracked the top five to date in this calendar year. Well, we better do it then. We better do it right now. Let's do it. Let's get to your episode number five. Number five.
All right, this is episode five. This is, I mean, this is the good stuff. Yeah, I mean, now it gets good. Yeah. Now it gets good. We were, I mean, I get why people like those other episodes. I get why. I get it. I don't have to like it, but I get it. Really, now we're talking to the connoisseurs, people who know. Top five, I mean, there's a reason Chris Rock called his movie top five. Yeah, and no one knows why.
No. But there's a reason. Chris, if you're listening, please write to us and tell us. Yeah. It's indecipherable. And watch what you say. Otherwise, you think Will Smith is the only guy who's going to do that to you? A precedent has been set. This is very exciting. We have our number five episode, and it's episode 853. This is exciting because this is in the middle of the 800s. Yep.
From March 4th of this year. And we almost March 4th. Yes, March 4th unto death. Yep. You're reading my mind. We almost March 4th unto death. This is an episode called The Calvin's Triplets Court Case. I feel like I know who's in this one. Do you?
List off who might be in this. Yeah. I think that a Rooks is in it. Okay, sure. And also, of course, we can forget Rooks. If you know the Calvin Striplets, you know...
That Taron Killam, who we talked about earlier on our last episode, plays Bevor Hopox. You know this. You know Paul Britton plays Chico Hands. You know that. And you know Ryan Gull plays Bisbee St. Hancock, collectively known as the Calvin Striplets. But this is an interesting one because Jason Mandzoukas is also on this episode. This has never happened before. Here's how this came about. Because normally all of the Calvins... First, it was the Calvins twins, where it was just Taron and Paul and I. And then...
They love Ryan and said, hey, can Ryan be part of it? And he became, first he was an honorary Calvin's. And then I think he actually ended up being related to them. He's a Calvin's triplet. But it's only just been me and those two or three comedians doing all of these. And these episodes, by the way, started over a decade ago. Jesus Christ. Paul and Taryn came in.
And to do an episode together and they said, what do you want to do? And I think Paul Britton said like, oh, I had an idea of people who were promoters for horsefights. And Taryn said, great. And then that's all that was discussed. And that first episode is very, very funny. It's all about horsefighting and horsefighting.
just spawned all of these sequels. I think this is maybe the eighth one or something like this. We try to do one every year, every couple of years. They're very funny. But Jason has never done any of these. And the way this came about is much like the Halloween episode, I had Jason scheduled for a show. Mm-hmm. And then I was looking for people to be on with us and finally got Taryn. Mm-hmm.
And then I said, like, oh, you know what? I wonder if Paul and Ryan are also available. And this is, again, like 12 hours before. Exactly what you described as happening with the Halloween. They both happen to be available. And he said, let's do a Calvin's thing and we'll have Jason there. This is wild. It was crazy.
Um, this is picking up on threads from the last Calvin's Triplets episode where, uh, we meet their, their rivals, the Baxter FKA Decker Triplets. Um, you'll hear a little bit of that in here, but this is a very funny episode. Um, so let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number five. Number five.
Please welcome him back. Jason Manzoukas is here. Thrilled. Thrilled to be here, Scott. So thrilled to have you, Jason. And we do need to get to our guests here on the show. Is that all right? I guess now, please. Now? Yes. Immediately. Let's get to them. What do you say? Okay.
Scott, I am literally begging. Have you ever met these gentlemen before? I don't think I have. Okay, well... Or if I have, it was in some sort of cacophonous scenario where there was maybe a dozen people crammed into a room. Yeah, possibly. They are the... Look...
I've said it before. They're not only the owners, they are the proprietors of a wonderful business out there. It's franchised in California and Florida. They have two locations. They are, of course, the owners and proprietors of the Calvin's Family Bee Honey Taffy Farm and Horse Fightin' Ranch.
They've been on this show now for, God, I want to say a good 10 years, at least a decade. I'm going to look up their first appearance. It's incredible to have them back. They have not been on in two years, and I think a lot has gone on in the intervening months. But please welcome back to the show, Beverly Hopox, Chico Hands, and Bisbee St. Hancock. Scott Lee! Hello! Scott Lee, my boy! How are you? How are you, Scott? How we doing? Good to see you, Scott. We're here.
Welcome back to the Hotel Scott Leoclair. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. And this is Jason Mandzoukas, by the way. I don't know if you've ever met him. Huge fan. Enormous fan. A big fan, Jason. Sunday nights are Mandzoukas nights in our house. Thank you. It's wonderful to have you guys back on the program. It's been a couple of years. I know you've been embroiled in
a lawsuit for a couple of years. We can catch up about that. You own a ranch where... Horse fighting, bee honey, taffy, family gathering. That's right. So horses, you have horse boxing. Well, there's horse fights. That's definitely the core of the business. It is the international premier professional horse boxing company.
Championship epicenter. To the death. To the death. And you also sell taffy, of course. And taffy season, by the way, ended in November 1st. October. Yeah. Although we extended one of our flavors. Which flavor did you extend? Well, the back story is we lost one of our favorite horses this year. I'm so sorry. Which one? Lost the fight? Cinnamon. Cinnamon.
So, Sin of Cinnamon is gone. What happened? Well, so we wake up that morning, Sin of Cinnamon. Sin of Cinnamon. Well, we're on a different relationship level with Sin of Cinnamon. Right. And we go out to barn number 30. And, oh, God, have you ever heard that horses can tear themselves apart?
What? No. Self-tearing of a horse. Well, they get to a place where they know it's time, and a horse will tear itself apart, limb from limb. No. Tear out a start at the face. How? You move down. How? How? They can't really bend those. How can they get there? Explain. Physically, right? Are there moves prehensile? With all due respect, Mr. Manzoukas. I really mean this with all due respect.
So two due respects at each other right now. Yes. I take your due respect and I put it in my respect bag. Oh, a dual respect? A dual respect. All dueling respects. I challenge you to a duel of respect. Who has more respect for the other? That's the question. I can't wait to find out. I respect you. I watch you every Sunday night. Ooh, Bisbee's in the lead. Sir, I respect you, your work, and your commitment to the natural world. And JM, not Barry, comes back. I bow to you and I lick your Adidas. Oh.
Oh, no. Oh, I can't believe it. The second move was out the Adidas lick. He's licking. Oh, no. He's down to two stripes. There was three Adidas stripes. Now he's down to two. That's not Adidas anymore. I need to bow out. What in the hell? I see. I see. No gentleman more respectful than old Bisbee's Satan. I'll respect anybody all the way to the bank. Down to the soles of their feet.
Anyway, he tore himself apart. He tore himself apart. Had never seen a horse do it like that in a long time. I'm so sorry. That's what Tennessee Williams is referencing.
You're tearing me apart like a horse does when it knows it's time. That was the off-Broadway line of dialogue. I thought that was the room. Tearing me apart, Lisa? Yes, it's also the room. The room was based on a Tennessee word. Was it really? Tommy Wiseau really drew a lot of inspiration from Streetcar Named Desire. We know he's our cousin. What? We've never talked about that. Really? That's the most boring part of this.
I honestly agree. Strangely enough. He's the one that introduced us into coffin sleeping. That's right. You know, when we last saw you guys, it was a couple years back, and it was right after taffy season. It was right before Thanksgiving, I believe. And you
You were in an odd situation because just to catch people up on this, this is the tail end of COVID and people were buying a lot of ivermectin, which is a horse dewormer, which was affecting your business because the worms were so prevalent in your horses that they would escape from the horses. They would turn into giant tremor size graboids worms.
And then you had seen chop Bisbee and you were chopping them in half, which then doubled the amount of worms exponentially. And then something really strange happened, which is these three triplets, the Baxter FKA Decker triplets, bought the surrounding land around your farm and
making it inaccessible to anyone coming in other than a small child on a large drone. And... You know what? I would love it, Scott. I feel like you're rushing through this. Yeah. Could you just go slowly? Could you just really break it down for us? Because I only say this because...
It's so simple. It's so easy to understand. It's so simple. Tale as old as time. And people just... It's relatable. They just need to hear it once, and it's just boom, it's in there. It's very easy to understand. You have two different horse fighting ranches, one in Florida, one in California. Correct. You wanted to... Tampa. Tampa. You wanted to buy...
the land in between the two. A thin little strip. A thin little strip, that's all. Like a Brazilian. But you wanted to connect the two horse fighting, and so you would have the longest horse fighting ranch in existence. That's right. And before you could do this... Who holds that distinction now? Do we know?
The Baxter hyphenate deco triplets. Oh, yeah. Because they're in a circle. They're in a horse anus sized circle around you. Horse anus size. So it never ends. So that's technically infinite. Yeah, circles longer than a straight line. You learn that in geometry class. And when we did our last episode, we got them on the phone because they own the Baxter FKA deco triplets pig wrestling and caramel country mart. I hated hearing their voices. Yep. They were on the phone with us and we left a message for them, but-
You offered to have a sit-down with them along with Jeff Cohen, the entertainment lawyer. Chunk, he played in Goonies.
Great lawyer. So whatever happened with that, did you do the sit down? Did any of this actually take place? Oh, we did. Oh, yes. It happened. It was long. It was too long. That's where we've been. We would have been here sooner. Yeah. Because I asked you to come to the next episode. We couldn't do it. Yeah. It was in court.
That's right. So you've been in court this entire time for over two years. So what was the result of it, if I may ask, is the court case over? Well, I remember that court case very well. I remember it as if it were yesterday. Oi, I object. You can't object. No, you can't object. What?
It was crazy. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What? That's all you remember from?
Well, Bisbee kept objecting and he was not permitted to do it. It's what made the case take so long. That's right. I remember the judge came in, sat down. Oh, I remember. Well, this is open and shut. I remember that. All right, all right, everybody, take your seats. I got up. This is open and shut. I got up, Jack. Pipe down. Yeah, and two years later. Wow.
It was open and shut in whose favor? What actually, how did he rule at the end of the two years? They won. The Baxters won? Hazlitt truly was open and shut. So thank goodness you were objecting so much. Yeah, well, I had to eventually, though. He just said, I'm ruling in favor of the Baxter, formerly known as the Dex. That's what the judge said? Well, do you guys remember? I remember. I remember how it was.
I rule in favor of the backstabbing. I object. You sound so defeated. Yeah. You knew it was over. I knew. I could only. I mean, we were starting. They'd bring in Jersey Mike's.
Oh, well, that's good. So wait, you got free Jersey Mike's every day? No, it wasn't free. No, you paid for it. Yep. The judge made us Venmo him, but yeah. After the fact, which we were like, oh no! Yeah. Oh, so when he made his ruling, we can't afford this!
So we'd already eaten it. We'd been through two taffy seasons and we ain't paid taxes on none of it because we've been here in court. And we thought the business was over and done for. And that's when the most incredible thing happened. What happened? What? Should we just listen to it? Sure. Please, no more objections. I won't even. I find in favor of the Baxter-Decker triplets. Ma'ams?
Mams? Mams? Check their pulse! We? Wait, are you a precog, Judge? How did you know that that
Oh, wait, I'm not here. Never mind. Wait a minute. I gotta say, we were so glad. Why were you there? Scott, what were you doing there? We were so glad you showed up to support us. That was the best thing that happened to us. I came one day and I wanted to be incognito. We don't have money. We didn't win the case. Chunk won't talk to us so much as John sealed shut with taffy. But at least we have a friend like Scott Laird.
Did you go because you knew there'd be Jersey Mike's and you love it? I love any JM. Barry, Jersey Mike's, Manzoukas. One of your favorite top three Mike's. That's true. Tyson's tattoo is number one. Sure, of course. Well, what happened then?
Well, I think you should remember more than any of us. Sorry, I'm not here. I just, I wanted to be incognito. Don't let the fact that I'm a famous podcaster interrupt this trial anyway. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Is this Scott? Oh, hi. This is Scott Ackerman. Hi, Queda. From the podcast. From Mr. Show. We love you. This is best friend. Queda, Candide, Tanya. We win the case. And.
And our hero, Scott Ockerley, comes to wish us well. Scott Ockerley. Scott Ockerley and Chunk in one room? Yes, I know, it's crazy. But anyway, I don't mean to disrupt the trial, Judge. No, it's over. I have to go home. Wait, you haven't been home this whole time? I object. Oh, I'm sitting back down. I object.
Yeah, I do remember that. Yeah, that was so interesting. Scott, when we've come back from the flashback, your face is covered in lipstick kisses. Yeah, well, as I'm remembering, I'm...
I'm doing what they did to me with my own, with the, uh, my first, uh, it really seemed like those triplets. Uh, yeah, they love me. The, yeah, the, the Baxter. Yeah. We were unsure of your allegiance there for a moment, Scott. So, so at a certain point it looked like the, the judge thought they were about to die or were dead. Uh, and then they, they were okay, but then they did. So are they dead? Yeah.
What actually? Oh, I was there. That's right. I'm remembering it now. Did you? Oh, Scatter, I need to come and give you more kisses. Oh, no. What happened to... Mon dieu. Oh, no. She isn't... She's fallen for the dead. No. My sisters. My sisters. My sisters.
I've got a Jersey Mike's delivery here. Oh, yeah, that's for me. Well, he said Jason Mazzucas is here, too. Oh, my God. Is it Sunday? Wait a minute. It is Sunday. What's going on? Oh, my God. No, he's actually here. He's actually here. He's here in the courtroom, and he's got a platter. A doodle-oo-da-loo-da-loo-da-loo-da-loo-da-loo.
That was a while to come back. We came back slow. We came back slow. They're dead. Okay, well, good for you. Do you own their farm now? We're waiting to find out. Is it in probate? Who they left it for. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I hope there's a reading of the will. There's a reading of the will? Someone's at the door. Don't answer. No, do answer. Let him wait. Let me get the door here. Wait, you plugged in. You plugged in.
Oh my God, it's Chunk. Jeff! Cole! Jeff! Jeff! He's doing the truffle shuffle. Here we go. And he just dropped off a piece of paper. Where you going, Chunk? Come on. And he carries that statue with the upside down penis everywhere he goes. Everywhere he goes. Everywhere he goes. Okay, well, let me take a look at this. Take it out of the envelope and...
Let's see, the last will and testament of the Baxter FKA Decker triplets! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!
It's the only way to read a will. All right, let's read this will. Here we are. The last will and testament of the Baxter-FKA-Decker triplets.
If you are reading this, you are the executor of our will. Whoa. Oh, my God. How incredible. Whoa. Wow. I had no idea. That's breaking news. Well, hold on. The sentence is not done. Oh. Even if it's passed around a table. Okay. That was going to be my question. Wow. Because you were almost on the horn to read the whole thing by yourself, Scott. No, no, no.
I really, I want to say, by the way, this is Queda. You're a very good public speaker because you look down at it and then you look up at us. And you gather the words and you look back at us. That's right. Make eye contact. I can't do that. That's how they teach you in cold reading class. I really, I want to say, by the way, this is Queda talking. Oh, I bet this was dictated. Yeah. Well, it says that down at the bottom, dictated, not read. Hey, come on. These are athletes. Come on. Enough of this. Enough of some dirty mouth talk. Now stop with this guy.
I really, I want to say, and this is Cuida, by the way, that the times I spent with you in the courtroom for the past two years, Bever, Chico, and Bisbee, were the best times of my life. Wow. Okay, now I'm passing it over to Bisbee here. I'll take it over from here, page two. Do you remember that time in court where the judge asked us all to take a moment?
and reflect upon what has happened between our two families. Well, I did take some time, and I looked over at you, Bisbee. Huh? Whoa. You're amazing.
If I could leave it to just you, I would, but I can't. So I have to. New page. So the last word on the other page was two. And then this was the second O. It's like a long two. I was going to take issue, but I have to leave it to. And it's like, what do you? Two? Wait. It's an also. It's also. It's not. I have to leave it as well. Directly to. Yes. I see. I have to leave it.
Two. Two. As well. As well. I would like to. Regular. 102. You're a lawyer, so you're used to parsing language like this. So that's why we're interrupting so much. It's very complicated and dense, but I'll continue. Two. But I want to, but I'm not sure if I can. Because...
And by the way, this is Candida talking now. It's switched to another. In the middle of a, this is like switching tenses in between. That's right. I remember that day in the courtroom when I looked over at the judge plaintively.
And I considered, what would happen if I stood up right now and said, Your Honor, I would like to drop the case. What? What? Candida was considering dropping the case. Wow, I wonder how Cuida felt about this. God, we didn't even find out what Cuida was talking about. I know. The other thing. It's strange, but I mean, this is the way they're writing it. Do you want to pass it off now to... No, there's a little bit more. If you don't remember the moment I'm talking about, perhaps you could...
Go back in your minds. Doodle, doodle, doodle. Doodle, doodle, doodle. It's written doodle, doodle, doodle. Doodle, doodle, doodle. Oh, Chico, you're becoming hazy and unlovable. He's disappearing. But we're still here. Oh, no. How do we get Chico back? Read the will. Read the will. Okay. Okay. Okay. And if you do go back, chances are...
If you don't finish reading this will, you will be stuck in another region. Oh, no. Between the past and the present. No. What? By the way, nether regions, we shouldn't talk about. These are athletes. I can hear the dick jokes from in this dimension.
He's stuck in undefined time? In the past, heretofore in this legal document referenced as the behind times, or the present time heretofore moving forward in this short document, now...
If here unto these Baxter-Decker sisters, heretofore known as the Poitier sisters, will bequeath all findings and keepers, heaven forbid, some catastrophe effect should happen to them and they no longer being of sound mind or body able to execute their estate henceforth unto them will bequeath all said good earthly deeds unto the Calvin's triplets heretofore known
known as Party of Brothers, said sisters will then transfer all power legally henceforth in perpetuity and all known universes to brothers if only they are able to retrieve Chico from previous behind times reference near the regions. Page four.
So much on that page. Wow. I wish Chico wasn't stuck in between these two worlds because that was so hard to understand. And what it does sound like, it does sound like that unless we can find a way to bring Chico back, that the transfer, that the validity of this will will forever be in doubt. I'm going after him. Wait, what? Wait, what?
Can you do this? He disappeared. Oh, my God. Fizby, that you? They're fading in and out. It's so hazy in here. It's so hazy. I found him. Is that you? Yeah, it's me. How are you doing? It's a little chilly in here. Don't you agree? Come back and get a jacket for him. Yeah, baby.
You're back. Do you want my jacket? Can I take that? Yeah, here you go. Thank you very much. Sorry. Okay. He's cold. We gotta get back. I've been trying, but wait. Are you shitting? There's a toy over here. There's a ghost toilet? I'm not an idiot. I'm in love.
You know what? I want to see how this plays out. Oh, no. You got to read page five. I'm so sorry. I want to read page five. It's right here in my hand. But I'm so curious to hear what they're up to. I mean, it sounds like they're just waiting. Especially now that I know there's a toilet. They're just waiting in line to take turns shitting. Let me know when you... I'm done. I'm done. There's toilet paper in the cabinet. Page five.
Hey, y'all. Tanya here. Oh. I guess Tanya's weighing in on this part of it. Okay, this is good. Yeah, we haven't heard from Tanya. Being of sound mind and body, and that body be banging? Oh, well, I mean, I saw her in the... We both saw her. Oh, it's true. It's so hot. On Friday, yeah. I do hereby swear that any and all lands, property, livestock...
Buildings, any other effects therein, contained therein, belong to anyone who resides in the liminal space between time. Okay, so wait, so this means that Chico and I guess now Bisbee, they own the lands, but Bevor, you don't? Oh, damn.
Hey guys, maybe you should, maybe you should continue to be in between worlds. Which cabinet is it? On the lower right. Lower right. You know what it is? I love that you're
I don't think they can hear us, but we can hear them. Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah. If you're sitting on the commode on your right, lower right. Well, how would we even get them the instructions of how to? I don't know. I see there's about 22 more pages to this whip. Did you see the Comedy Bang Bang book is here in the bathroom too? I might have to use that.
Please don't. All right, look, let me flip through this a little bit. All right, let me see down here. Okay, end of page 22. Therefore, the only way that you can keep this land and all of the property within is if the third triplet goes into the nether regions, they all hold hands together and recite the sacred poem that they know by heart.
And they shall be transported with all the rights herein back to the present day and own the land. Wow. Wow. Pepper. Wait, what was it? Was it? I don't remember. This is not the time to forget how to dissolve into the past. Wait a minute. I think I know what to do.
I just saw Dune 2 the other day. Oh, wow. How was it? I enjoyed it very much. Okay. And I think I'm going to have to take one of our giant ivermectin worms. Oh, the graboids. Which also have the power to travel between the regions. Of course they do. Of course. Their force power. And if I ride the super uber ivermectin worm, I can retrieve my brothers. We can read this poem. Do it, Bevor. Hurry. I'll be right back. He's parked outside. He's parked outside.
Are you going to stand up and open the door? Yeah, I think so. To be clear, I was saying the Comedy Bang Bang book for reading material, not toilet paper. It's too late. I'm on page 16. Come on. Oh, my God. It's a giant dune worm. Wow, wow. Oh!
coming, brothers! He's disappearing! Oh my god, he went straight into the earth. He's fading into the... Hey, who's there? It's Baba! Baba's here! Brothers! Brothers! I know how to get us back, and I know how all of the Baxter-Haffnett-Dexter sisters' earthly belongings can belong to us. Take my hand! Take my hand! Now we have to resign
That poem that we all know by heart. That one! About you know what. Oh, no. Taking place you know when. And if we do it word perfect with no flubs, we will be transferred back into the now and be the owners of all the Baxter-Decker-Triplets property. We gotta do it. Sounds easy as pie.
Taffy pie. What kind of pie? Taffy pie. Taffy pie. Taffy pie. It's making my stomach rumble. All right. You know, I hope they're all holding hands for real. I hope they are. One, two, three.
We the Calvin's brothers love each other like no others. We skip and play and rattle detail and every day we do it like that. So times we go!
But sometimes we do.
Maybe if you visit, we'll do it with you. Oh, there's a smock in my face. They're back. They did it word perfect. Wow. My God, that means we...
That means we own everything. Yeah. Why? I think it does. What happened to my book? Oh, there's shit all over it. Sorry. It's only the only the worst segments.
I mean, how does it feel? This is incredible. You're on top. Years worth of struggle. It only took three French women dying. It's behind you. Can I be honest with you? Sure. I think I'm going to miss them a little bit. Really? Wait a minute. There's someone coming up, peeking over the hedge. They're coming up to the door. The comedy Bang Bang Hedge? That's right. It's three hooded figures.
They're coming, walking to the door. Hello. It's me, Tanya. Tanya, Tanya Baxter, FKA Decker. You're alive. It was all a joke.
Oh my God, indeed! We got you! Bonjour! Hello, you stupid, you stupid triplet brothers. We wanted to see your face after you had... You goddamn son of a bitch. Wow, that's just a dirty trick. We had to take this opportunity to say to your face... We had to. Leave a message! This was an answering machine message! Where did they go? Where did they just go? Number five.
Yes. Yes. Can I ask a question? Yes, please. If you were to get a blood transfusion from one person, would you then be related to that person? Yes. Right? Because you have the same blood. You have the same blood. Yeah. And that's what they always say. It's like it's blood. Yeah. Thicker than water. Mm-hmm.
I mean, that's what that's. So people are walking around having siblings. Yeah. Or dads or moms. That's right. I now have 10 dads. Because you've had 10 blood transfusions. Yeah. Or nine blood transfusions. That's right. Yes. Yes. Why? What's wrong with your blood? It's no good in there. Got to get it out. It sounds like if you've had nine. Uh-huh.
The problem is with you. Oh, yeah. Like your veins, maybe? Yeah, yeah. No, I think it's something to do with the veins. That's where all the blood is, right? That's where it goes through. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing is like it gets pumped out by the heart. Yeah. Oh, and then it goes in the veins. Yeah. Then where does it go? Out your fingertips? No. It just kind of like hangs out. It just stays in there. Like if I hold my hand down like this, a bunch of blood is going to get in there. And then you supposedly make more blood.
Where's all the old stuff go? Exactly. They've never figured this out. Do you think we're breathing it out? Probably. I guess there are blood droplets or sweating it. Probably. And then vampires are going crazy in summertime. They're just going. Vampires hanging around gyms. Smells delicious in here. Jim Croce.
Jim Parsons. Old Sheldon? Jimbery. Hey, there's something we have to do before we go to a break. Yeah. We have to hear, this is your choice for number two of Don Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven. Now when Scott says your choice, he's looking at me. Yep. This is my choice. Today's lesson, how to draw out the bluff.
That much money this early in the game. I'm saying he's holding nothing better than a pair of face cards. I actually don't think Don Cheadle's in this. I don't believe so either. No, he isn't. You know what? There's a lot of clips from Ocean's 13 or 12. He's in that too, right? Yeah, they're in that. But we said Ocean's 11 clips. Yeah, we did. So, but there are a lot of clips of him in interviews talking about Ocean's 11.
Does that count? I think it has to count. We did play him talking about how people curse him out on the street. Let's just hear this. This is behind the scenes of Ocean's 12 interview. I love it that the second movie is the one that people will just unabashedly walk up to you and go, yeah, I hated that one. That one sucked. It's like, cool. You just said that to my face like I'm not. What's going on with Don Cheadle out in public that people are being so rude to him? Leave him alone. Leave him alone. We love Don Cheadle. Trying to live his life.
Jesus Christ. God damn. Don Cheadle, come on Comedy Bang Bang. This is a safe haven for you. How many Oceans films have you made? Yeah. Make your own. Make your own Oceans. Make Oceans 1, where it's just you jacking off. Yeah. And send it to us.
All right. Well, that's pretty exciting to be our number two clip. Yeah, it really is. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to be hearing your episode number four. Plus, we're going to hear some regarding Henry trivia and the snowman game. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. Best of 2024. Part three after this.
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Comedy Bang Bang, best of 2024, part three. You demanded it. You, this is on demand, by the way. Yeah. We weren't going to do this and then. No. One fan demanded we do it and so. This person said, I demand that you do it. And then just stared at us until we broke eye contact. Yeah. And that's when we knew we had lost. We were betas at that point. Yeah. Yeah.
I identify as beta. I don't care. I'll tell everybody. I'm a beta. Yeah. I long for an alpha male to be in charge of me. What's the third way? Because it goes alpha, then beta, then what's next? Is gamma next in the alphabet? I don't know if it's next in the alphabet. I do think it's next in the males, the alphabet of males. What is it? The Greek alphabet? And then is sigma higher than an alpha? I'm a sigma. Totally. Gamma is next. I did it. Then delta. Delta.
Delta Dawn. What's that? Flower in your pale. You have done an epic fail. An Epsilon, Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Kappa, Lambda, Mu, Nu, Z, Omicron. Do you think that there's a Catherine Epsilon Jones? Yeah.
Go through the whole alphabet? Yeah, and Michael Douglas. I had to pull his name. It's been a long time since I've had to think about Michael Douglas. I used to think about him all the time. Did you see him in Franklin? I didn't, but I tell you where I did see him. Yeah. At my hotel. Oh, that's right. I was in Costa Rica. And you thought he should be at a nicer hotel. I mean, it was fine. I think there was a lot for the kids to do. Oh, sure. Yeah.
This was not like one of the nicest hotels I've ever seen. It was in Costa Rica. And how old are his kids? I think they were pretty young. Wow. But it was like a hotel where you could like surf. But he must also have adult children from some previous marriage. Oh, I hope so. Or hookup. I hope anyone does. If you are an actor of a certain age, I hope you have children from a previous marriage. And that's my holiday wish for you.
This is exciting. We're going to get to what you've chosen to be number four, but first, Paul has something that he wants to let us know. Indeed, I do. Harrison Ford met with a real-life lawyer who had experienced a similar brain injury and personality shift after a car accident, which helped him develop the character of Henry. Wait a minute, so this...
this thing that is so unique, it could become the premise of a movie. Yeah. Just happened to another lawyer and they didn't base it on this guy, supposedly. Well, here's the thing. When you ask, is regarding Henry realistic, as other users have done, you're going to be told, compared to the real life experiences of gunshot victims like James Brady, Henry's experiences belong in a sitcom.
All of the stages of his recovery correspond neatly to the requirements of the plot. So says RogerEbert.com. So all the things that happened, happened the way that they happened. Come on. I also have a great answer for you. This is a follow-up from previous behind-the-scenes factoids.
Or facts. I mean, factoids. You know what factoid means? What does it mean? It's a thing that sounds like it's true, but it's not. Oh, really? Now it's come to sort of mean like... Little facts. Little facts. Yeah. Oh, well. People ask, who is Linda in Regarding Henry? Yeah. Who is Linda? Rebecca Miller is the answer. Great. I have a follow-up to this. Who is Rebecca Miller? Yeah.
Uh, we don't know that, but, um. I know who Rebecca Miller is. She's a, she's an accomplished actress. Okay. Yeah. So you're smarter than me. Great. Yeah. If I know that, then I'm smarter than you. What else could you possibly know? Who else would know? Did you Mike, did you know Michael Haley played the court clerk in Regarding Henry? I don't know either of those people. Great. I got to throw Regarding Henry back on.
I haven't seen it since opening night. I don't think I've ever seen this movie. I've seen it. It's one of those things that was like, remember when people would just go to a movie because it had someone you liked in it and it was a slightly interesting. Yes. And it would just be a drama. Nothing exciting would happen in it. Yeah. It would just be purely like a bunch of scenes of people going like, I'm mad at you or whatever.
And people would go like, yeah, I'm going to spend money to go see that. Now something has to have a robot in it. Yeah. What if a robot got shot in the head and became nice? I think this is a good idea for a movie. What if that happened at Westworld? They all get shot in the head and they become nice. That is kind of Terminator 2 Judgment Day, which also used what Ted Koppel... Morphing technology. Oh.
Yeah, why did he become nice? Because the other robot was so mean. He was like, hey, this guy is a good cop, bad cop. Good Terminator, bad Terminator. This robot takes it too far. I know I'm an asshole, but this guy takes it to another level. It's like the GOP. I'm an F-R-T-3-thousander. Yeah.
All right. Now that we have regarding Henry facts out of the way, we have Don Cheadle clip out of the way. That's right. We have to get to it. This is our final clip of this episode. This is your choice for number four. Number four. All right. Number four. We're getting so high up in the countdown. We really are. And I'm getting high as a kite, my friend. That's right. Because I'm going to Mars. All right.
Where it's cold as hell. Yep. And I have packed my bags. I'm pre-flight. Mm-hmm. And zero hour is 9 a.m. Okay. All right. Good to know. These are good facts. Yeah. Factoids, rather. This is episode number 887. Wow.
It's from October 21st of this year, 2024. So one day after the 20th. Yeah. Day before the 22nd. Okay. Okay. And this is an episode called Biddy Biddy Bugle Boy Bumbly B. Biddy Biddy Bugle Boy Bumbly B. Bumbly, sorry, Bumbly B. Bumbly B. Now this sounds familiar to me. This should sound familiar because Paul, would it surprise you to learn that you are in this episode?
Scott, it would not. What? A title like that, I think I'm going to remember. I think you'd remember being in this episode. Now, this, the other people, we have the return of Vic Michaelis is in this. That's right. But we also have the return of Christian Brune. Brunese. But guess who's in this one? Can I say? Go ahead. Tatiana. Tatiana.
Mace Lanai. That's right. She made it. She made it. Okay, so let's talk about this. She was shamed and blamed. She was. She was named, shamed, and blamed. And then she had no choice but to come back the following week to clear her name. So this is what happened. We've heard earlier in our countdown the previous week's episode where she, about 45 minutes before the episode, texted me to say, hey, I'm not showing up because I have a sinus. I think it was a sinus infection.
And I put her on blast. Blast! And I am not one to talk shit about our guests, but being as this was the fourth time I think she's done this, I had to bring it up and I said, this is the fourth time she's done this to me. She left you no choice. She left me no choice. We talked about it. We put her on blast publicly. Meanwhile...
We all finish that episode. We all go home. Our respective homes. Our respective homes. We're not sharing a home. We don't go into each other's homes to, you know, continue the party. I mean, we do have one big house that has separate doors that we all use. Yeah, but separate doors. Yeah. It's almost like having different houses. Yeah. But at approximately 6 p.m., we end the show at 4 or so. At approximately 6 p.m.,
Tat texts me and says, how'd it go? Sorry, I can't be there. Something to that effect. Some horseshit like that. Some horseshit. And I say, I put you the fuck on blast. And I talked about how you're always canceling episodes right before they happen. She said, I do. And...
And then she got on a text chain with, I think, Christian, you and me and apologized for it. And then I think we said, well, why don't we do a makeup episode? She offered to do, I think she offered, she offered to do a makeup episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we said, well, it should be the next week's episode. Absolutely. With the exact same people. Yes. Yes.
And so we got a hold of Vic and Vic was available as well. And so we decided to do the exact same people, but with Tatiana. And that's exactly what happened. Now...
So there was some discussion. I think you came in thinking you were going to be the same characters. Yes, I did. So you were ready to be Bing Lujo. Yes. Vic didn't realize that was going to be part of it. I guess I just thought it was understood that everyone would be the same characters as well. I thought so too. When Vic heard this idea, they said, uh-uh.
Like Vic had a very scared expression. To be fair, Vic kind of went back and forth and said, oh, okay, sure, I'll do. And then at a certain point was like, no, I really want to do what I planned. So then you switched and played... Dr. Bill Blondie. You're Dr. Bill Blondie, whom you debuted on tour as... This is based on my recent experiences with a doctor I had. Mm-hmm.
So this is the second appearance, but the first on Comedy Bang Bang proper. And so you're going to hear a couple clips. We're going to first talk to Tat and Christian, and then we're going to hear a discussion between Dr. Blondie and I.
And then Vic plays Marvel executive Lucy Brockenheimer. That's right. So let's hear all of this and we'll talk about it after this. This is your choice for episode four. Number four. They both met on the set of a show called Orphan Black many years ago. Both. Both. She went on to acclaim, winning the Emmy Award, becoming part of the HBO private detective-verse. Ha ha ha!
As well as the MCU. He went on to portray Constable Johnstable. She ended up canceling last week's show at the last minute. He did not. Showed up. But she said, I want to make good on this. Put me back in, coach. Stars are back. Oh, come on! God damn it. Please welcome back to the show Tatiana Maslany and Christian Broon. Hey!
Thrilling. Thrilling. Thrilling. We are gathered here today because, uh, Tat, you texted me after you unceremoniously backed out of doing the show last week. And that's about the fourth time you've done that.
Is that true? I remember a recent one where the Threedom gang had to be the A block guests because you backed out at the last minute. Oh, because I had a nose infection. A nose infection. Or an ear infection. I had some kind of infection. But hey, here's the thing. I just got a procedure done where they go in with a little rod into your nose and they crack open all the cartilage
audibly and now supposedly I'm going to be okay forever forever you're never going to die are you sure they're not going to make you a mummy that's the other option either that hey Shimmy hey that's what they do yeah they take everything out with forceps through the nose they pull that rod up your nose drag it all out yeah it's crazy
Are you? Okay. God, mummies. Although very timely for Halloween. Yeah, rest in peace. I wonder what Jimmy's going to be for Halloween. God, I forgot to ask him. Well, we'll just see if he comes back. Rest in peace to all mummies. Jimmy, what are you going to be for Halloween? I'm going to be a record album. Okay, thanks. Bye. You got to go. Wait.
Do you know this Canadian record album? Do you know this? Shimmy, you're Canadian, right? Yeah, no one ever asked me before. Wow. You're Canadian? I'm from Sudbury. Oh my God, from Sudbury.
The biggest place of filming in the country. Hey! The record on Size Small Island that used to play spoons at the end of the show. Yeah! What is Size Small Island? You didn't have that? You don't have Size Small Island? It's a Canadian classic. Is it a kids' show? Yeah. Let's sing it together. It's Size Small Island.
It's a fun island. Everybody gather round.
Here's where you can be who you like. See who you like and be who you like. You can be anyone you like. It's a small island. Goodbye. More theme songs should end with goodbye. Gotta go. Oh, OK. This is the longest you've ever stick around. Oh, he's gone.
We did want to bring up a little hanging thread from last week's show. We talked about the now defunct band Franklin's Fault. Oh, fuck. And we dug up some tape here. Take it back to the disco. The understudy trumpet has taken the mic. This is from 2011.
I'm sweating. This is Mr. Next in Line by Franklin's Falls. Oh, my God. There's that trumpet. Oh, my God. Yeah. You son of a bitch. You're wearing a purple jacket, which I love. I'm not exactly the man of your dreams.
Look, it's a live show. The sound isn't perfect. Oh, my God. Pretty good. I love it. I'm sweating a lot. It's pretty good. It is. By the way, it's not a demo or anything. This is a live. That was a live camera far away from a live. Yes. God, I can't believe you. What were the lyrics again?
I'm not exactly the man of your dreams, but girl, I'm always around. And you know, if it wasn't for him, you and I'd be getting down. Christian. Yeah. So you,
Is that how relationships work? Is that just like whoever's Mr. Next in line is like... Yeah. There's a succession order. I did not write these lyrics. Oh, really? Who wrote them? I did not write these lyrics. Dan Banger McKay wrote these lyrics. So you want to blame it all on him? Yes. Wait, did you have a middle name for the band too? No, that was his nickname because he played...
the bass drum in a pipe band, like a Scottish-style pipe band. Now, I wanted to say that there is one comment on this video on the YouTube page. It just says, Constable Johnstable. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
The video was uploaded 13 years ago. That comment was made yesterday.
Well, we need to get to our next guest. He is the owner of a malt shop. Please welcome Bill Blondie. Hey there, Scott. How you doing? Oh, hey, Dr. Blondie. Yeah. Sorry, Dr. Blondie is my personal physician. He was on. You came on to one of our. Whoa, whoa, whoa, shut up. Oh, Chris Broon. Yeah. From Franklin's Fault.
Yeah. Oh, my God. You're a Franklin's fault fan. Look at my tattoo. It's the logo of Franklin's fault. Oh, my God. It's the guy walking across the street. Hey, yeah. I love Mr. Next in line. Oh, my God. Thanks, Doc. I just watched you the other day left a comment on this. Oh, wait. That was you leaving the Constable Johnstable comment? Is that how it turned out? What did you want to? I woke up in the middle of the night and left that comment.
Oh, wait. It was supposed to say love these guys. I have big news. A second comment has popped up. Oh, oh.
It says, is this a Franklin's Promise cover band? What's Franklin's Promise? That was what I thought the band was. How's your foot? Still fucked up? It's okay. It's okay. I mean, sorry. He's my personal physician. He's been treating me for various ailments over the years. Mostly that foot. Mostly the foot. You did surgery on it recently. Fun. I don't like to hear that it was fun. Why? What were you enjoying? You were miserable? Why?
What did you enjoy about it? I had a great time. I love cutting open feet. I love looking inside there. Wow. I didn't know that. Things you learned in medicine. Yeah, I'm a doctor. Why are you sighing so heavily? There's also, I'm bored. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, I didn't want you on the show. I want Bing Lujo. I don't know who that is. Bing Lujo is a guy. Tell me three things about him. Okay, he owns a malt shop. Right.
Oh, boy. He loves the music, man. Oh, yeah. What's your opinion on the music, man? I wanted to ask you. Okay. Here's the thing about the music, man. It's funny because I was watching some clips. Music, man. Here's the scam. Okay. Harold Hill comes to town and he says...
Hey, there's a pool table. That's bad news. You got to get the kids involved in wholesome activity. How about a boy's band? I'm on board so far. This is the plot of the meeting. I come from the Gary, Indiana Conservatory of Music. Here's what you do. Buy a bunch of instruments. Buy a bunch of uniforms. I teach the kids how to play music. Now he doesn't know shit about music. Yeah, this guy doesn't know shit about dick. He doesn't know jack shit about big dick. Yeah.
So he pretends to teach the kids music. Using the think system. What he says is the patented think system where he says, I don't need to teach you any notes. You just think about the music and it will come out. Yeah. So, you know, first the instruments arrive. He's got his little buddy. On the Wells Fargo wagon, which is coming down the street. That's right.
And he said, his little buddy says to him, hey, the instruments are here. And he's like, great. Phase one complete. Then a little bit later. As far as I'm concerned, by the way, the instruments are very expensive. So the fact that he bought these, that's part of the con that makes him realistic. Here's the thing. We don't know who, did he get money for these instruments? We have no idea. Yes, absolutely.
Yes. Hold on a second. I'm telling you, I just reacquainted myself with the story. No. He is paid for three things. He's paid for his services as an instructor. That's it. And then, no. And then he also says, like, they're
They're going to need to buy instruments. So give me this amount of money for the instruments. Right. And we also need to have uniforms. Give me this amount of money for the uniforms. He buys the instruments. He buys the uniforms. He absconds with the bigger sum, which is the payment for his services as a music teacher. I don't think he gets paid for the uniforms or the instruments. You think they just arrive? They just buy them. The parents just buy them.
He doesn't have instruments to sell. They just buy this shit. Here's where I differ on this because, and admittedly, it's been a while since I've seen the movie. Right. Great. But in my recollection of it. In your recollection, right. They are just about to. Which is not as fresh as mine. You said you'd only watched clips, asshole. And I read the synopsis. You read the synopsis. Yeah. Watch the movie maybe. And then we can have a conversation about this. Look, I don't know if you're in the habit of arguing about the music man all the time.
It's not a habit. But you're way out of line. But strangely, it's happened to me twice. You're way out of line. Way out of line? Here's my recollection. I'm a doctor. See if this rings a bell for you. All right, give it a shot. Frankly, get a load of this. About halfway through the movie, this is the point where they are... Tatooine, you listening? Oh, I love this man. They're suspicious of Harold Hill's intentions. They think he might just be a con man. They have seen neither Hyde nor Hare...
Of any evidence that he is an actual music teacher. His credentials. He says, no, no, no. I am a music teacher. They are just. This is all the shit I already know. Let me get to the part you don't fucking know. Do it. Which is. That's what I'm saying. Which is just as they are about to arrest him. The instruments show up. You've skipped over. What have I skipped over? A whole. First of all.
The instruments don't show up just as they're about to arrest him. You're talking about the end of the movie. I'm talking about the middle of the movie. So they're just about to arrest him in the middle of the movie? Yes. No, they're not. Yes, they are. No, they're not. They're at least getting suspicious because... That's a bit different than getting arrested. There is not that much daylight between suspicion and being arrested. Honey, honey, rest your mouth.
They are. They are suspicious of him throughout. Yes. And at the point where they are about to say, like, maybe we should arrest this guy. The instruments show up. No, because part of a con man's duties are to make part of it come true. That's correct. So that people buy into the con more completely. That's true. But the rest of what you said is false.
I don't think so. They're not about to arrest him at any point until they do arrest him. But they certainly are very suspicious. And then the instruments show up and they go, well, maybe he knows what he's doing. Okay. Can I continue? Well, if you're just going to continue and continue and continue with your ludicrous claims, then I don't know that I want to listen to them. All right. See if you can just open your mind a little bit and shut your fucking mouth. The instruments show up. He's like, great. Everything's going according to plan.
they continue to be suspicious he continues to fall in love with the librarian who's a music teacher by the way marion she's been who and who better than her to teach these kids music so you one would wonder why don't they just say well why doesn't this lady do it because he has this this so this fake pedigree right from the conservatory of gary indiana supposedly a doctor professor same thing as far as i'm concerned it's not oh oh okay i'm glad anyway continue professor continue
Hey, you motherfucker. I'm a doctor. Get back to the music, man. So then he's falling in love with this lady. This lady, she knows all about this shit that he's a phony because Gary Indiana wasn't. He said he was made a professor. Gary Indiana in 1905. Gary Indiana was actually not a city until 1906. She conceals this information because she likes this guy. She likes this guy. This is the thing. She's letting her. She's warm for his form. Her sexual attraction.
She wants to get in the way of her responsibility. She likes it in the sheets. Her civic responsibility. She likes it in there. She's a freak. She likes it in there. We're on the same page, by the way. Yeah, man. This lady is a fucking freak who loves it. Mary in the library is a fucking freak. She likes it in the sheets. So...
So... Have you ever seen The Music Man, Tatiana? I was in The Music Man. You were? Am I correct about the middle part? When the instruments show up? I played Amarillo's. By the way, Dr. Blondie, I am saying that the parents bought the instruments. I'm just saying that Harold Hill was the middle man. Yeah, I know. And I wish you'd stop saying it. In any case, I'm glad that I'm right about The Music Man. You're not. You're wrong. I'm not wrong. You're medically wrong about it. I'm a doctor.
You're medically wrong. I would venture to say...
that even if it is not explicitly mentioned in the text of the music man, that one can just extrapolate, oh, yes, these people don't know how to order musical instruments. Can I tell you to shut up for a second? He would be the person that they would go through. If they know about the Wells Fargo wagon, they're going to know about catalogs and shit like that. Everyone knew what the Wells Fargo wagon was. This is why banks are still called Wells Fargo. It's famous. Wait, so you think the townspeople...
Aren't you impressed? The Wells Fargo wagon just shows up and brings things. Yes. But they have no idea how they got on the wagon. Yeah. Everyone is excited when the Wells. Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. So this is what you resort to when you're wrong. This is like when you came in with your dumb foot.
So when the Wells Fargo wagon approaches, no one knows what's on it. It could be something for someone who has no relation. And it could be something special just for me. Yes. These are the lyrics. And who says this? Everybody. The towns. No, no, no. Who says maybe it's bringing something special just for me?
Sorry, something special. Yeah. Just for me. And who is that that says that? Winthrop. A dumb child who has no idea about commerce. You think everyone back in the early 1900s knew there wasn't order tracking, okay, with the Wells Fargo. Should I go? No, no. I want you to stay. I want you to stay. There wasn't tracking of any shipments. No one knew when stuff would arrive. You'd send a letter and maybe you would never get there. Maybe you would get there months from then.
Was it the wild West? It was akin to it. We're not that far away from the wild. Hold on a second. But they knew they, they, they didn't know like, Oh, on March 13th, our instruments are going to arrive. How, how do you know they didn't know that? Yeah.
Because I'm not a dumb idiot. How do you know that in the catalog, the old-timey catalog, where you could buy a bathtub and you could buy, you know, fucking hair grease, that they don't say guaranteed delivery by blah, blah, blah. Sure, guaranteed by. So you would hope it would arrive by then, but you don't know the exact date. And then you wouldn't even know when the Wells Fargo wagon would come. Can I say something, baby? You're making it sound like... Don't call me fucking baby, all right? I'm not your baby. I'm not your honey. I'm not your child. I'm a man. Let me tell you something.
Sweet. My sweet, sweet boy. You're not a boy. You're my sweet boy. I'm a grown up. You're my sweet boy. He's holding him in his arms. I love you. You love me, Dr. Padme? Yes, I get attached to all my patients. You're attached to me? I love them. I think about you all the time.
Think about your stupid foot. And just because your foot is stupid doesn't mean you're not good. Thank you, Dr. Blonde. You're a good person. Thank you so much. I fucking love you. And listen, I got to tell you that you're wrong about the music. I'm not wrong about the music, man. That is the one thing I'm not wrong about. It's time for you. Oh, okay. Good, good, good. Hold on. I'm not ready. Oh, you're not ready. Okay, no, I am. Go, go, go. She works in the entertainment industry. She works at Marvel headquarters. Please welcome Lucy Brockheimer. Scott!
What's up, Scott Aukerman? Mr. Aukerman. What is going on in Marvel these days? So much. We need money. We need money so bad. What do you have planned in the Marvel Universe? Let me open my little book. Oh, boy. So this is like the plans of the future MCU? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, incredible. So just a little peek, but don't look. Okay, here we go. Are you ready? I'm ready. Are you guys ready? I give you my enthusiastic consent. The Thunderbolts.
Yeah. We know that movie. That's coming out next year. Yeah. So here's what we're doing. The lightning claps. So in addition to the Thunderbolts? Yeah. So the Thunderbolts are all really, they're all really young, right? Not really. It's not like the Teen Titans. They're all like, they're really young.
I don't know where who's really babies day out. Okay. So that one, let's call that the Thunderbolts. What's the Thunderbolts? Thunderbolts is villains or, or characters like their suicide squad. Occasionally work on the wrong side of the law who were brought together to by the government. Yep. Yeah. So, okay. So this one, but so this one, they're old is what their thing is. So that one is all villains. This one, they're all so old and they're heroes. Yeah.
So they're older heroes who... Are you okay? You seem to be really nervous right now. Is everything all right? Kevin Feige has my pug. Your pug? Oh, no. I'm so sorry. He kidnapped your pug? Yeah, he does that. Oh, no. Did he do that to your pug? Why are you whispering? Because he can hear. You're whispering into the microphone. No, no, no, but I'm just like,
i don't know that i can cut this part scott i need this cut this part i don't know that i can't but he is my pug what's your pug's name what's your pug's name delicious delicious the pug oh no and kevin feige stole your pug he's been bred so he's like a show of quality was he entered in dog shows why did you say huh you heard me right i didn't hear
I don't know if you have to whisper this. Let's all stop whispering. You can just talk normal about your dog. Kevin is going to hear. Did you enter your dog into dog shows? So many times. But you said he was like dog show quality. He's show quality.
But he doesn't have the personality for it. So that's not dog show quality. It's dog show quality in that his parents were both winners of dog shows. He has the quality, but he just doesn't have the star power. Okay. That's like saying like, oh, my parents were Olympians, so I can be in the Olympics. No, you have to train. That's exactly what happened with me. Bryce, I was talking to you. Yeah, you said you were, yeah. Why are you whispering about the Olympics? You can talk normally about the Olympics. You're not the Olympic president.
And he's got my son. He's got your son? That's what I call my other bug. Oh, okay. I was going to say you should be more concerned with this. Do not call your dogs your kids. What's the other bug's name? Huh? What's the other bug's name? You must have heard him say, what's the other dog's name? Jimmy Choo, C-H-E-W. That's cute. Thank you. That is very cute. Anyways, I have
Okay. Back to normal. So we got plenty of more really, really fun movies on the slate. Okay. Is it your job to come up with them? Why? Okay. Here we go. Give me your next idea. And yes, I'm ready. Stop turning through pages. Orca.
The movie about the Jaws ripoff. The comic book villain. Oh, Orca? Orca. What did you think I said? I thought you said Orca, honey, but there's a movie called Orca. There's a movie, so it's Orca. Blackfish, you know the movie Blackfish? Yeah, I know. We just placed it in the documentary. What about Black Hat? Re-release. Huh? Black Hat? I don't know what that is. You don't know what it is? Starring Thor himself. What? Chris Hemsworth. Hemsworth, that's him. Okay, I love that. I don't know what any of this is. Black phone, Ethan Hawke.
Okay. Black Widow. Black Felicia Hawk. Black Hawk Down. Black Widow. Black Beauty Horse. Orphan Black. Black Beauty Horse, of course. We're looking for a vehicle for the horse. I really do think that there's something special there. Super Horse. Super Horse. Super Horse. Spider Horse. Mutant Horse. Oh, Mutant Horse. Member of the Avengers. Horse X. I kind of love that. Doctor Horse. Horse Avenger. Double Horse. Yes.
Okay, so I'm loving all of these ideas. I'm going to pass around some paperwork if you could just sign that. I want to figure out double horse. Okay. Because I like the sound of this. Let's cook on this a little bit. Double horse. Is he double the strength of a horse or just two horses? Is he two horsepower? Is it like a tandem motorcycle where there's two horses who are... A tandem motorcycle. What?
Why are there two horses with a motorcycle? So there's a horse and then a sidecar. Do they make tandem motorcycles? Or like the Wells Fargo wagon. They're just together. That would be like a tandem bicycle. That would be fun. Where one person's doing all the motor. Only one person turns the key. I really love that. And I think we got to start as an origin story, of course. Horse in a human family doesn't know he's adopted. Sort of goes to school. Everybody's like, you're different. You're different. The horse is like, no, I'm not. Has a heart to heart sit down with his dad. Yeah.
His dad tossed him a basketball back and forth on the bed. Horse can't catch. So there's something I got to tell you. Horse can't catch. Horse can't catch. White horse can't catch. They're tossing a basketball back and forth on the bed? On the bed. Oh, sheets? No sheets. Ah. That's better. Yeah. He loves the sheets. He's a freak for the sheets. Do you think? The horse? I don't have an opinion on the horse. I'm just saying about Dr. Blondie over here. No, I love this. We will buy this. Well,
Look, these all sound terrible. I hate to say that to a guest who comes on the show. I feel like you love saying that to guests that come on the show. How dare you? I think you take pleasure in it, if I'm being honest. You know what? Art is hard, Scott. Making art is really hard and really difficult. Thank you. Yes, I am an artist. No, you're not. You're just some dumb person who went to Yale. Wouldn't an artist fly all the way to London only to get the call that they have to come back to L.A. immediately, hop on the plane, leave their entire...
Family in London. Your family's in London? What are they doing? They were in London. He took my pug. Oh, shit. But left your family? No, the pug. Is he just babysitting your pug for you while you're here? No, no, no. He stole them. I'm giving him money.
What? So it's a ransom situation? No, no, no. I'm paying him. Speaking of Ron Howard. You're paying him. He said they could only stay until Thursday. Wait, so you're paying him to take care of your dogs? He's like dog sitting. Did you leave like their crate and their food and stuff like that with him? I gotta say, you seem like the weirdo in this situation. He's sending you photos that they're okay and they're...
He sounds nice. Yeah. Kevin Feige? Yeah. Oh, stole my pugs. You're saying sounds nice. It sounds like he's just dog sitting for you because he, who gave you the call that you had to come back to LA? My dad. Why? What's going on with your dad? He's, um, he runs Disney.
He runs it. Wait, who's this guy? Bob Iger is your dad? Yeah. Wait, are you a Nepo baby? Me? Yeah. Absolutely. Oh. So your Bob Iger's. There's no book that has four letters in it. Your Bob Iger's progeny and you don't know anything about comics and you think that you're going to run Marvel? I went to Yale. Who cares? On a football scholarship. I was the kicker. How far could you kick?
So far. Both of my parents were Olympians. Okay, yeah, but how far could you... Bob Iger was an Olympian? Yeah, he was watching it. Okay, that's not an Olympian. What event was it? Huh? What event was it? Downhill skiing. He was on the bench for downhill skiing? Downhill skiing. Meaning he just watched all the skiers. Like the bench at the top of the mountain or at the bottom of the mountain? He was at the bottom of the mountain. He had a credential that said ticket. And he just had like a hot chocolate with him and he was like watching the skiers. Yeah, yeah.
Most Olympians don't actually compete. That's a fun fact that they don't tell you. Is that true? 90% of Olympians aren't competing. 90% of Olympians are on the bench. They're just like understudies like Franklin over here was for the trumpet. Yeah, exactly. Can I just say, I love your trumpet work and I would love to get you in there. I think there's a vehicle for the trumpet. I've never been in the MCU and you need a stunning, handsome actor. Yeah. So.
So, why don't you play? We'll call the trumpet if we need that. Wait, are you looking for a trumpet player just for like the soundtrack or? We. Or is this a superhero? Like trumpet man or bugle boy? I see a superhero. Bugle boy? I see a superhero. Bitty, bitty bugle boy, bumbly bee. What's the? Bitty, bitty bugle boy, bumbly bee. Bitty, bitty bugle boy, bumbly bee. Bitty, bitty bugle boy, bumbly bee. That's how it goes. Number four.
All right. All right. So obviously we got into another discussion regarding the music. Yes. Yes, we did. This is because after the first one, I went to Wikipedia. I tried to search like how like a layout of the scheme.
Yeah. And nobody really had a detailed explanation of that. By the way, I should mention in the first episode that we played a couple episodes ago, I didn't really know what we were arguing about. I couldn't really follow the argument. Listening to it back on these clips, I now can see the...
sort of the layout of what you're talking now knowing what you're talking about i was kind of like oh i see what you i see what you're saying yeah at the time i was kind of like what are we arguing about because i was trying to get to a point that i never got to um but now i see that our disagreement and by the way in between these episodes we also did tour episodes i don't know yeah we did yeah we did tour episodes yeah yeah i think we did that five uh city stint from sacramento uh
Oh, yeah, that's right. Through Vancouver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, maybe we recorded this and then went on that stint. Yes, that's what happened. Yeah. But people heard those first. Yes. Where some of those characters... I kept bringing up the Music Man to those characters of yours. And we continued talking about it or you shut it down a few times? I think we might have continued. I think I shut it down. I think one, I just agreed with you. But...
We heard from a lot of people. Yes, we did. At the meet and greets on tour. Mm-hmm. And...
What is interesting to me is that no one can agree on this. I would have thought that it would have been a consistent, everyone said, oh, by the way, Scott, you're right. Or, oh, by the way, Paul, you're right. Got a lot who are vehemently on one of our sides, but there is no consensus on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so let's boil down the disagreement to, because I think also you were misunderstanding me when I was saying that
I was talking about the middle of the film when the Wells Fargo wagon happens and you thought I was talking about the end of the film. Here's the disagreement. I believe that part of Harold Hill's con in The Music Man is he goes to the parents and he says, I'm a music teacher and I'm going to start this huge band. Mm-hmm.
here's what you, you just all need to pay me this sum of money. Right. And you're going to get music lessons. Mm-hmm. You're going to get uniforms. Mm-hmm. And you're going to get instruments. Mm-hmm. And there's going to be a huge band and this is going to put this town on the map. Right. He then, Harold Hill that is, um, buys shitty uniforms. Mm-hmm. And he buys instruments. Maybe they're not the best instruments. Mm-hmm. I don't know. I can't remember that part of the movie. Mm-hmm.
The instruments are all delivered on the Wells Fargo wagon in the middle of the movie, right when people are getting a little too suspicious and kind of going like, I think this guy's faking. And then suddenly the instruments show up and they go, all right, maybe he's legit, which is part of the con, but they're not as good as what you would normally get. Your point of view is... No, I'll tell my point of view. Okay, yeah, please. My point of view is that the...
Kahn involves the people paying for uniforms, instruments. That's a side thing that they're doing. And lessons. Yes. So who do they pay? Aren't you saying that they pay the instrument people themselves? I was saying that it's possible that they could have bought the instruments themselves. And then we started arguing.
about whether or not it was possible that these people would be able to do that. I mean, yes, I'm of the opinion that these are just simple country folks. Yeah, simple country folk who live in a place called River City. They're river people. They live near a river. I'm not doing this with you. I'm not doing this with you.
So the argument really came down to, did the people give him the money to buy the instruments, or did they purchase the instruments themselves from a catalog? Right. But I would also contend, now that we're talking about this now, I don't think the instruments show up until the very end. I don't think you ever see them until the very end. Until the very end? Yeah. Here's what I do remember is,
He's finally let go. This is part of the genius of the Music Man. This is spoilers for Music Man, but... Music Man is great, by the way. It's great. It's my favorite musical. Yeah, I love it. He's taught them supposedly under the think system without instruments. Yes. And just said, like, think about what you're doing and you'll be able to do it. Yeah. Then they finally arrest Harold Hill and they say, prove that you've been teaching these kids the thing.
and the kids all have these instruments and you're thinking like, oh, this is going to be bad. Well, it's going, because I've seen this scene recently, it's going badly. They want to tar and feather this guy, right? Which is gruesome. Yes. Then the kids show up with their fucking instruments and uniforms. Which we don't know. And by the way, the uniforms are not good yet because you do see them. No, at the very end, yes. At the very end, you see what the band becomes and they have beautiful costumes
uniforms and they're a huge deal. Which I don't know if that's technically part of the story or if that's just like the finale of the movie. I think that's part of the story is he's gotten them shitty uniforms that... I think that's part of the story. Right. But I think the very end where the credits are rolling and they all look fucking great
You think that might be a fantasy? Yeah, because how much time has passed that they now can play at this level? But the fact that they're talking about 76 trombones, this is a lot of people. Yeah, so it's insane anyway. Yeah, the whole thing doesn't make sense. This doesn't make sense. But anyway, they... So what happens is he thinks he's done for. The kids show up in uniforms with their instruments. And Shirley Jones...
Right. Who like believes in him. Right. Is like, no, he can do it. She takes the pointer, breaks it in half, gives it to him as it's on. With the handcuffs. With the handcuffs. And he's saying, think, think children. Yes. And just praying for his life because he knows he's about to be tarred and feathered, which is so gruesome. They put tar all over your body and you asphyxiate. You die. It's not like, oh, hey, look, he's all funny. No, your skin gets peeled off. You asphyxiate and die. The feathers are just insult to injury. Yes.
But in any case, he says, think, children, think, knowing the minute they start playing, he's done for. Because none of them know, he hasn't taught them shit. They're going to murder him. They start playing terribly. Like, you think there's going to be some movie magic where, oh my God, they did use the thing system. Yes. They start playing terribly. It sounds horrible. But...
Parents love their children so much. They think it's so adorable that they go, that's my Henry or whatever. They all love him. And they all love the band, even though they sound terrible. And he's like, what? I got away with it. Great, great end. And then they just believe him and he becomes the this is what originally the what I thought we were arguing is, is it a lie if it comes true?
I don't think we ever argued that. Yeah, that was how it started. I've listened to this clip. We just listened to this clip. We definitely moved off of that very quickly. Well, that was how it started was I was trying to say like, is it a lie if it comes true? Like he, Harold Hill has lied supposedly, but it came true. So was it a lie? Was it, is it illegal if a con comes true? I think it's still illegal if you can, if the person admits like, yeah, I was lying about that.
So a person should never admit that, you know, hey, if it works out like that. Yeah. Count your fucking blessings. Exactly. If you're a con man and you're traveling by train across the country and then somehow. First of all, get a get a PJ, get a private jet. You should get a PJ. If you're coming, get a PJ. But your scam that you made up.
It turns out you do have some magical ability to teach children with no instruments how to play instruments. You should be like, this is great. When do the instruments show up? And here's what I'm getting to. I think the instruments show up at the very end. Here's what I'm getting to. Yeah.
Bing Lugeau and Dr. Who is he? Dr. Bill Blondie. Bill Blondie and I need to do a watch along podcast. Yes, which we talked about at the time. And that's why I've wanted to watch this movie again. But we're not doing it until we can do this. I want to see it again. All right. All this talk of it made me want to watch the whole movie. I know. It's so good. Yeah.
So I still don't quite know what we're... You think the argument is whether it's possible that the... No, no, no, no. The argument is... Well, ultimately, the argument is... I think part of the con is that he's taken money for the instruments himself. And he's purchased the instruments. And he's purchased the instruments. Yes. That was the crux of our true disagreement. Yes. And then it became, is it even possible for these people to figure out how to order things? I will perhaps concede... Thank you. ...that one of the people...
You think the mayor? Maybe. The mayor probably could have been. The mayor's wife. Yeah. Mrs. Shin. Yes. Eulalie Shin. By the way, the Music Man was the example that my old weirdo drama teacher gave of like commitment to a role. He's like, when we did the Music Man two years ago, the people who were cast as the barbershop quartet
They would go from class to class and only respond in barbershop quartet. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, that sucks. Fuck that. Fuck that. Yeah. I hope those guys are in hell. I think they're probably still with us. You weren't that much older than me. Well, I can hope. All right. We have one last piece of business to attend to, and that is part three of the snowman game. Now, if you've heard our previous two episodes, you know,
that the first time the snowman did not look at either of us, the second time the snowman looked directly at myself.
Paul has placed him where, as the loser of the last game, he was allowed to place the snowman in any place. I'm looking kind of between us. He's splitting us right now. We're trying to change up every time. Trying to change up every time. And, oop, let me turn on the mic so we can hear the snowman. And here we go. This is part three of the snowman game. I press his little fat hand. Three, two, one. Well, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire
First spin. Spinning. He's back right where he was. I've never seen that happen. And he's spinning again and he is now looking as far away from us as he possibly could. He's spinning again. This might be the last one. Nope. He's got one more spin coming.
Could have stopped on Paul, then came to me, could have stopped, but did not and just passed me. Looking the complete opposite direction of you. Looking right at the bathroom. He loves that bathroom. He loves it. What does he care? Paul, you still have a chance to tie it up. Yeah. And then we'll have to go into OT. Yeah. Or do we carry it over into the next year? Maybe. That has been...
This episode, this is... Yeah. That has been what you just listened to. That's been it. This was Comedy Bang Gang Best of 2024 Part 3. We're going to see you back here on Thursday when we are going to have the top three episodes of the year. This is the good stuff. Better be here. This is what you want to hear. This is what you want to hear. Even this, like the top... We cracked the top five. The top six even. Like, this was terrible. When you're talking about...
The top six versus the top three? There's such a vast difference. Oh, my God. There's such a vast difference. Of course. Yeah. This is exciting. We will see you on Thursday. Thanks. Goodbye. Net credit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit when other lenders say no. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day.
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