Bonus Bang: John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, Will Hines (More-imony Tony)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and it's 2025. And you know what that means, in this case. It means that bonus bangs are back! That's right, we're kicking off a new series of bonus bangs. These, of course, are the episodes taken out from behind the paywall and given to you to listen to anew. And this is a new series that we are calling Morimoni Tony...

That's right, this is going to be a series centering on the beloved Paul F. Tompkins character, Alimony Tony, the parody singer who loves just a little too much, just in time for Valentine's Day.

This is an exciting series, and it begins right there at the beginning. Our first episode is number 584. It's called Weird-A-Money, Alimony Tony, released originally on January 27th, 2019, just six short years ago.

And the people involved are John Hodgman, Will Hines as Rupert Sharp, and of course, Paul F. Tompkins in his first appearance as Alimony Tony. Now, Paul, a little behind-the-scenes info and tidbit regarding this episode. He came in prepared to do another character. He says he believes it was Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

And when he you'll hear what happens when he hears the name Alimony Tony, he switched gears midstream to mix metaphors and Alimony Tony was born. Alimony Tony here. He drops by to debut a few of his parody songs.

And you'll hear exactly how it got started. Now, if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com, where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every live episode, including our 2024 tour.

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Magneto only sips mojitos incognito. I think he might have a drinking problem. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alimony Tony for that catchphrase submission. You know Alimony Tony, always out there paying his ex-wives what they're owed. He loves it. Paying and proud of it.

You know what? I'm going to make this my nickname. I love doing it so much. I love doing court orders so much. My court ordered obligations. Oh, somebody mentioned my

I love playing alimony. How many ex-wives do you have, Alimony Tony? As many as I can get. How many is that? It's seven. Seven? I got seven ex-wives. Why do you? They're all beautiful. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It's my problem. Maybe I got arrested development. I need to grow up. But I love playing alimony.

You sound a lot like my other friend, Buddy. What's his name? Velastro? How should I know? He's your friend. Are you sure I don't sound different enough to hang around? I don't sound different enough to hang around? I don't think you sound different enough to hang around. Let me clear my throat.

And that's me, Alamo DeToto. Oh, hey. There you are. Hello. I love Peg Alamo. There is something going around that changes voices that way. I always wonder about someone like you who's a serial marrier. Why do you marry so many women? I mean, maybe you have issues that preclude you, you know, necessitating getting married. You know, I used to think that I got married for love because I just have so much love in my heart. But now I realize I

I love paying alimony. Sure. That's what it is. It's the best. That's why they call me Alimony Tony. How much in alimony are you paying per month now? And then per annum? Let's see. Per month, I'm going to say it's somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000. $12,000? Split up among the seven X, Ys. No, each. Oh, my gosh. So we're talking $84,000?

I am providing alimony so they may live with the man out of which they become accustomed. Oh, my God. You're paying like almost a million dollars a year in alimony then. Oh, shit. I never did the math. How much money do you make every year? What have I done? Are you independently wealthy? I'm independently wealthy. Oh, I see. Okay. How much money do you have in the bank? My mother invented gaseous paper. Oh, I've heard of liquid paper, but gaseous paper. What's that? Okay, liquid paper is something that...

Mike Nesmith's mom invented, yeah. From the monkeys? That's right, yeah. What a fun bit of trivia. No, I invented, my mother invented gaseous paper, which NASA uses in the space program. Oh, I see. Did you also invent something akin to, did you invent VH1? Like Mike Nesmith invented MTV? I invented VH2. Oh, okay. Yes. Certainly less popular. Well, it's been very nice meeting you. Well, okay. I might be back later. Okay.

Who knows? Will you be back to pick us up later? The Simpsons. All right. Well...

Alimony Tony, everyone. Had two very distinct voices. I'm going to go out in the lobby. Okay. And then when you need me, I'm going to come back in. Okay, sure. I'm presuming you need me. Is that where the after party is, out in the lobby? The after party's always out in the lobby. All right. Let's get to our first guest. My name's Scott Aukerman, by the way. Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Is it this door? Yeah, that one, that's a window, actually, you're looking at. Yeah, it's a new studio you may not be familiar with. Yeah. Okay, this is one of those handles. Usually doors are not see-through. Now, this handle isn't round. What?

No, it's a rectangular handle. It's a Velociraptor handle. That's a Velociraptor. Oh, sure. From Jurassic Park 2. So if a Velociraptor can figure it out, I'm sure you can. I believe it's from Jurassic Park 1, by the way. Alimony Tony hunts and packs. If only. I wish it was someone else to share the burden of this alimony, but I love paying it. Do you have a wingman? What's that? Do you have a wingman? Speaking of dinosaurs. What? Do dinosaurs have wingmen? They have wings, man. They're called pterodactyls.

Velociraptors and pterodactyls team up. I think these movies are about dinosaurs dating. All right, we'll see you later. All right. Welcome to the show. Scott Aukerman for another week of Comedy Bang Bang. And what a week it is. A little later, we have an Odds and Endsman. That's very exciting. An Odds and Endsman, maybe, is how you say it? Endsman. And that's very exciting. Plus, an old friend will drop by. Plus, Alamony Tony's out there in the lobby any time we need juicing up.

And before we do that, though. The podcast is the podcast lobby. Mm-hmm. Okay, now I'm catching the reference. Now you are. Yeah, I'm a young man still. He is a young man and one of our, still. When do you turn into an old man? When I... Is it a mental thing or is it when your physical body starts to decline? Oh.

I think it happened this morning. Really? What happened this morning? I looked in the mirror and I saw I was wearing a trucker hat and a beard and I'm like, that's wrong. You are wearing a trucker hat and your trucker hat says pizza slice on it. Extra cheese. Double cheese, I believe. Double cheese? Oh, well, look. Ha ha ha.

It's hard to see up there on your hat. I'm not looking into a mirror all the time. Yeah, that's true. Just this morning when I realized I'm too old to be dressed like this. I mean, you're wearing a hoodie, a trucker hat, and you are, as far as I know, you're not from the greatest generation necessarily. Why am I Alamony Tony all of a sudden? Hey! Hey! Did someone call my name? Alamony Tony, someone was impersonating you. Oh, hi. A new poster. Oh, hello. This has never happened to me before. Not to me. You know, which of us is the real Alamony Tony? Oh.

What does my hat say? Scott, don't shoot me. I'm the real Alimony Tony. Put down that gun. Why did you mention your favorite television show? Shoot him. I'm the real Alimony Tony. Extra cheese. Double cheese. Wait a second. I'm lactose intolerant, so clearly I'm the real Alimony Tony.

I don't know. I'm just going to shoot both of you. No, please. Oh, wow. God damn it. I'll be in the lobby. Which one of you is bleeding green? Do I turn this up or down? All right. See ya. John Hodgman is here, one of our favorite guests. Hello.

Hello, I'll be back later. Hello. To pick me up? Yes, of course. In Simpsons? That's right. It's so good to see you, John. You're one of our favorite guests. And as far as I know, you have nothing to promote. Is that correct? You're one of my favorite hosts. Well, I have only the same things to promote all the time. Why do people come on this show and they're like, I want to come on a certain week because I got this thing I got to talk about. No, here's the thing. I'm in town. Yeah.

I was in town for a wedding. Mm-hmm. And I'm missing you. Did you get married? What's that? Did you get married? Well, I love paying alimony. Of course. It would be your alimony. Please don't tell my wife, yes, I got married again. Wow. Have you ever met anyone who had a secret family? I am a person with a secret family. You are? Yes, I am. Have you met anyone else is what I guess what I'm... Well, we don't travel in circles. Okay.

Really? So the people who have secret families, there's not some sort of like message board to connect to talk about the issues of like, oh, I tried to hide it this way. Kind of got secret in the name. That's a good point. The first rule of secret families. My secret family is a lovely couple that lives here in Los Angeles. Yes.

Okay, no wonder you're here all the time. That I stay with when I used to have work here. And I began spending more time with this family, this lovely young childless couple. Did it start as a roommate situation? No, they were friends. And I was tired of spending money, so I thought I would stay with friends. That money, man, like you get a bunch of it. Yeah. And then suddenly you're like, oh, I got to give some of it to this person, some of it to this person. Tell me about it.

Are you listening? No, no, I'm reading a magazine. May I just say, the new studios here are lovely, but need some work in sound. Exactly, a little insulation problem. John Hodgman, you know him from such things as his own podcast. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast. The Judge Sean Hoffman Podcast. The Han Judgment Podcast. The Han Shot Firstman Podcast. John Hodgman.

The Who's On First podcast. Who's On First. Like, why was that ever a thing? Oh. You know, because like, who's on first and what's on... Like, these are not names. No, of course. You know what I mean? It's like, how did this become a thing where people were confused? Like, oh, that's so funny that he's confused by what? Right. Well, Vaudeville Times people were dumb in Vaudeville Times. Right. And also they loved...

I think they appreciated the craft of it. The wordplay, if you will. It's not even wordplay, though, because these are not names. Who could be construed as a name? Right. But what? What? Second base. What'd you say? Second base. That's right. What'd you say? Yes, exactly. And who's on third base? No, I don't know. Oh, I don't know. See, that's the thing. Third base. I don't know is on third base. I don't know. That should be updated, shouldn't it?

Exactly. Naturally. Naturally. Home run. That's exactly right. Ground rule double. Yep. Field goal. Judge Sean Hoffman is here. And you say you're in town for a wedding. I was in town to see a friend get married. And then I came back to visit my secret family. You did watch this friend get married. I witnessed it. You saw it with your own two eyes. I made it legal.

The very act of you witnessing it made it legal. Did you sign any sort of documents or – I signed a thing at the hotel authorizing a pre-authorization. Credit cards? Okay. Okay.

That counts. And that makes it a legal wedding. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, as a friend, I was not officiating. No. I am done. You have officiated weddings previously. I officiated a wedding for my friends Jean Grey and Quelle Chris. Okay. And is that the only one that you've ever done? That's the only one. Because, you know, as Judge John Hodgman, my podcast that comes out weekly on makesmenfun.org. Mm-hmm. Lots of people, because I'm a fake internet judge. Yes.

And there are a few who are getting married will sometimes say, well, you presided our wedding. And I say, absolutely not. Right.

A, I'm not working for free for you. And B, your wedding is not a joke. Right. Please take it seriously. Were they to pay you and treat it seriously, would you be in the market for that? Well, then someone – I said that once on the podcast as well. And then someone wrote in and said, I wasn't joking when I asked you. And I can pay you some money. Some money. Anytime anyone says I can pay you some money. No, I think it was a fairly generous offer. Pay me all the money. Right. Right.

Everything you have. I still decided not to do it because they were strangers. They were strangers to you. It could be a honey trap. For a third family. Yeah. It could be a murder plan. That's true. I also think I've done it once myself.

Not for strangers, truly. No, no, no. For two of my best friends. And I don't think that – and I was talking to their parents the other day and they were wondering if I would ever do another one. And I was saying I don't know that I would ever do another one because I don't – I'm not close to anyone else who's not married. Yeah.

You know, I'm not that close, as close as I am to them. It feels strange to do it just for some rando or for someone who's just an acquaintance. Or even if it's an even and especially if it's a close friend. It's heavy. It's a heavy. It was a lot of responsibility. I'm very lazy. What did you do to prepare? I can tell you what I did. And let's let's compare and contrast. I interviewed them. I got all the details. OK, compare.

No, no, I'm saying... It's comparable? No, that's a compare, not a contrast. I did the same. Compare. You did the same. Okay, got it. Go on. Okay, I filled in all the details. You know how when you get to know someone and someone's dating someone, you kind of get the details over time. They'll fill you in, but you don't sit down and really hear their whole story.

as told from the beginning to the end. You kind of get it piecemeal is what I'm trying to say. But you do that as an officiant. As an officiant, you want to- You have to sit them down and you got to get the story of the relationship. You want to tell the story of their love. Right. Compare. Compare. I kiss them both upon the forehead. Compare. And then upon the tip of their penises. Contrast. Contrast.

When I go to the wedding, I want to sit and watch the show. I don't want to be the show. You don't want to be the show. When you go to a concert, are you ever hoping they call you on stage? No, that time has passed. Have you ever been called upon stage during a concert? During a concert? And just asked to strap on a guitar? Oh, you know what happened? I was in the front row of that Bruce Springsteen concert, and he called me up to dance. Wait a minute. Are you Courtney Cox? I am.

Okay. I think John has a disease where he thinks he's Courtney Cox. Hey, can I ask how many seasons of friends you started? All of them. God damn it. He's got it. Maybe I can ask you, maybe I can ask you because in a previous episode, I asked these questions thinking they had no answer, but did you,

Apparently fans have alerted to me to the fact that these were all answered on the show. So I'll ask you, did you? By the way, very, very confusing setup, but I'm with you. Did you have the apartment first and then you met Chandler and Joey and became friends with them? Or did they move into the same building across the hall from you because you guys were already friends? Well, you know, originally my, my, my character, I'm, I'm not the character.

You understand? Yes, but you've said all the lines, so you must know. I'm Courtney Cox. Yeah, you must know so much about it. I'm not Monica Geller, right? Sure. No, I know that. So you know. I've had a career since. You know, Cougartown, all right? Okay, yeah. I'll ask Cougartown questions as well. It was not my apartment. It was a set. I just wanted you to understand. Sure, but in the narrative of the show. In the Friendsiverse? Yeah, the Fronsiverse. All right. Now we can talk. Okay, great. Yeah, so originally I lived there with Phoebe Buffay.

You did? Okay. I didn't know Phoebe lived in that apartment. Every one of the friends lived in the apartment at one point or another. Really? Okay. Except for Ross. Because Chandler and Joey, they swapped apartments. Okay, so you lived with Phoebe there first? Yeah. Then what happened? Then she moved out. Okay. And then I was looking for a roommate. Okay. And then my old friend from high school...

Who's Jennifer Aniston's character. That's the detail you don't know? Rachel. They named a haircut after her. Oh.

I thought she was named after the haircut. Okay, I'm not sure which happened first. That's another question that I don't know. Which happened first, the haircut or the baby? Well, that's another unanswerable question. Right. Then Rachel came in, I guess, her name. Yeah, but she came in after her wedding and they- She ran from the altar and was looking for a place to live. Yeah, yeah, but we haven't gotten to the question, which is- Who lived there first? No, not who lived there first. Third base. Did you-

All right. I'll never know. John, you're one of America's great raconteurs. Oh, thank you very much. We've talked about your book. Vacationland. Vacationland. I wanted to say Adventureland, but it's Vacationland. No, Adventureland is a movie by...

Greg Mottola? Greg Mottola. Thank you, Greg. Greg is someone I know, and now I feel really bad. Hi, Greg. And it's a wonderful book. I know you're not here to plug anything, but I love the book so much. Thank you. And as a matter of fact, as I was walking in to this very studio, a person who's doing another show –

I was asked me who was on the show. A lot is going on here. Lots going on here. A hub of some serious media activity. They asked me who was on the show and I said, John. And she said to me, have you ever read his book, Vacationland? It's so wonderful. And I said, well, I read it as well. And I thought the same thing and we agreed. Great. Let me ask you some trivia questions about my book, Vacationland. Uh-oh.

Now, bear in mind, I read this Labor Day of 2017. It has come out in paperback since and is available now. Okay. Vacationland, available in paperback. Ask me these questions. No, I don't have any. You have some sort of a canoe. I remember that. And you bought it at an auction. Well, see, you know plenty. Sure, that's all you need to know. If you want to find out what the real story is, check out Vacationland. Vacationland.

Thank you very much. Is there a chapter where you believe you're Courtney Cox and you just tell stories about David Arquette? I'm working on a new book now, and I think half of it will be my memories of working on Friends. What if you turned in your book to your publisher and it was all just fake stories?

Courtney Cox memoir chapters. I have a feeling they'd be very pleased. Just to get anything. Yeah, well, that's true. John, anything else we can talk about before we bring in our guest? Well, I'm just really glad to be here. As you say, I have nothing to plug. I was in town for a wedding, and I wanted to see my secret family. You want to plug that wedding at all? You want to plug the idea of marriage? Hey, yeah, wedding of the past. Everybody, take it seriously. Don't...

Don't hire a podcaster to do it. You've taken it very seriously. You've been married for what? If I had to guess. Okay, well, this is great. Okay. This ties into the guessing your age. Sure. Do you want a hint?

Yeah, give me one hand. I'm 47 years old. Okay, so if you say you're 47, you're a known liar. That's right. So... I'm a vampire. You're also a vampire. You're 365 years old. Vampires can't tell the truth. As many years as there are days in a year. That's right.

Do vampires celebrate the 365? I'm working very hard. Thank you for drawing out this question because I'm working very hard to remember the answer. As to how old you are or how many years you've been married? I believe this is 2018, correct? It's 2019. Okay.

Oh, hang on. Let me go back to my spreadsheet. Do you know what month you got married in? I'm always fascinated by people who get married in like December or January or, you know, one of those months. September. September. Everyone gets married in September. I got married in September. What day? The 11th. Me too. No, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. 13th. Also me. Did you get married on September 11th? No, September 25th. 25th. Okay. And in the year...

1999. 1999. That is the... This will be our 20th anniversary. 20th anniversary. Congratulations. Thank you very much. And good guess, by the way. I did not guess. You just merely told me. Well, I don't remember. That said, you are a liar. I don't remember how things go. That's wonderful. Thank you very much. And what is the 20th anniversary? You know how, like, when your parents are off... Jell-O. Yeah. Jell-O. Just Jell-O. Jell-O and Jell-O salads. That's the gift for the 20th. Is that...

Is that because Bill Cosby was married to Camille for... I don't know who you're talking about. Have we stricken him from the record? Who? Third base. All right. Let's get to our first guest.

And when I say first guest, I mean because you are a guest of honor and not really a guest, more of a peer. Yeah, because I have nothing to plug. I get it. I'm a deadbeat who just came to a podcast for no goddamn reason. Oh, what's this? Excuse me, who...

Who are you? It's me, Alamone Tony. Okay, you were in shadow there. I was doing my warm-ups. Oh, okay. Why are you warming up? Well, because I'm going to be a guest on your show. Oh, you are? Yes. Alamone Tony, you're going to be a guest on the show? That's correct. Okay, he... Isn't there another guest schedule? What happened? We have the odds and endsman. I didn't see anyone out there. I didn't see anyone out there at the lobby. We have the odds and endsman coming up, but he...

You know him from the catchphrase at the top of today's show. Please welcome Alimony Tony. Hello, everyone. Scott, thank you very much for using my catchphrase. It's my pleasure when it's that good. It's difficult not to use. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. What do you do? Are you, other than you're independently wealthy, you're the son of, in the gaseous paper. I'm the heir to the gaseous paper fortune. Do you do anything yourself other than write catchphrases or? I'm a bit of a,

Weird Al. I don't know quite what that means. You write parody songs? Yes, I write parody songs. Okay. Are you, you're certainly not as successful. Here's one. Here's one. Because I was listening to your guest, Mr. Hodgman, talking about himself.

He's a liar, a vampire. He's an old town crier. That's from... It's like I'm a joker, I'm a toker, I'm a... Yes, the Steve Milliman song, The Joker. Right? Right? Some people call him Maurice. Who, the Joker? Yeah, some people call the Joker Maurice. Why do they do that? That is canon in the Batman universe. Right?

It's scattered in the DCU. Some people refer to the Joker as Maurice. It's mostly on the Gotham police scanners. Check out Maurice. They don't want to tip off. We got a report of Maurice. He's pouring laughing gas into the bank. That would tip off, I think. Heads up, the smoker is there. So you do this for a living? One out of 12. We have a midnight toker at the...

The gold depository? I don't know. What are some other places where they keep valuable things? There were so many places in Gotham to rob. Isn't that strange? Like, everyone's just keeping valuable stuff in all of these buildings in Gotham. What do you think the Joker's overhead was? Because he certainly had a lot of stuff. He had a lot of employees as well. Yeah, a lot of henchmen. That he would then turn into, they would have garish smiles. You know what? This could be naive of me, but I always assume the henchmen did it for the love. What?

Like unpaid interns. They had other jobs, but they were henchmen. They do it for exposure? Well, they believed in the Joker's cause for exposure. That's funny. We got to unionize henchmen. Exposure to the Joker's gas, of course. That's right. Because they like to laugh. Just like myself and the listeners of this program. Also, did the Joker have to kill the people? Because being incapacitated by laughter—

is that's that's that's torturous in of itself well you've already taken care of it like people can't do anything they're laughing you know and it's also I think not to tell the joke I don't do a job I think it's funnier

It's interesting to me, the Joker, he kills people, which is like the least funny thing you can do. It's not funny. He finds it funny. He finds it hilarious. Which is very twisted. Yes. You know, I mean, maybe that's the ironic part of the whole Joker lore. Well, if he just made people laugh, he would be a clown. Okay, but being, yeah. But what are you saying?

You're saying that maybe he could be robbing banks by doing who's on first to distract the guards with this incredible language. So he does who's on first to distract the guards and then what? His henchmen go in there and slip into the vault? Here's another thing about the Joker. He's called the Joker, but he's dressed like a clown. I mean, clowns don't do jokes.

I mean, he has a face sort of like the Joker on the playing cards. Is that what he's supposed to dress like? You think he's supposed to have the, like the hats with the three bells on it and the, like a gesture, like a motley, like a motley gesture. Motley. Yes, exactly. Motley. Is that what, uh, yes, that's right. That's the outfit of the gesture. I'll defer to alimony. Gestures. Motley. Does anyone ever call you weird alimony, Tony? I wish they would, but no one does.

I wish they would call me Weirdamoney Alamoney Tony. Weirdamoney Alamoney. Well, I will. Weirdamoney Alamoney Tony. Oh, I like the sound of that. I like sitting on a marquee. Tell us about some of your other hits or your other, at least, parodies if they're not hits. Well, they're not hits. No one knows that I do this. It's a real shame. Is this your debut? Well, I've put them on YouTube. Public debut. Oh, really? Yes. What would be a private debut? I guess doing it around the house for yourself. Sure. Or even your loved ones.

That was so many loved ones. Oh, seven. Do you know, I've been married in seven of the 12 months. Oh, okay. Each ex-wife I married in a different month of the year. Which ones have you not been married in? I have not been married in January. Okay. December. Okay. October. All right. July. Okay. One more. May. Right. May. Oh. Oh.

Wow. Do you hope to get married in every month? Is that something that you discuss with your wife? That is what I want to do. That is what I want to do. And of course, you know, when you're getting married, you say to your prospective wife, I'd like to get married in this month. And she says, well, I always hope for this month. And then you can bring out the big guns and say, well, another wife I married, we got married in that month. I want this to be special. So you're not telling them, I hope to get married in every month because I would think the next –

four of your wives would know that the marriage would be over soon. Well, there you have it. I made that mistake once and only once. May I ask a question now, Money Tony? Of course you may. I've been married for a certain number of years that I already forget. Almost 20. It's been a while. It's been a while. In my secret family, I am the son of the secret family. I'm not the husband in the secret family. Right. So it's been a while since I've been on the market. How does an independently wealthy novelty song writer without a particular audience find a future wife?

Well, you've got to put yourself out there. Okay. And a lot of times I find that I take the advice of a movie I once saw, and I meet women in the supermarket. Which movie was that? I believe it was Barry Levinson's Tin Man. Oh, Tin Man. And what I will do is I'll go up and down the aisles looking lonely and sad. Hmm.

That's very attractive to women. Yes. Someone who's lonely and sad. Well, to a certain type of woman. That's true. A certain vulnerable type. There's someone out there for everyone, and I found seven of those. You're hoping for the full dozen. Yes, from your lips to God's ears. And then if you get five more, you'll be paying $60,000 more a month or so? Unless I can restructure this alimony deal. Right. Because now we're talking, this is going to cause a dent. Right.

How much money do you have in the bank? Oh, let's see. In the bank...

Do you keep some in the bank and some in the gold depository? I have money. You better watch out for the smoker. I have money. Wow. I have money in several different places and, of course, in several different investments. Not all of it is liquid. Some of it is gaseous. I have gaseous money that's floating all around us as we speak. That money I keep with me at all times. That's my mad money. It's in the cloud. Yes, it's in the cloud. Precious chemicals or –

I love precious chemicals. Liquid gold. Liquid gold. I love it. I love it. I have, of course, I have a safe deposit box at the bank. Of course. Where I keep a lot of jewels, gold bars, gold nuggets, gold ingots.

So were you to liquidate all of your assets, how much money do you think that we're talking in cash? U.S. dollars? Probably north of a trillion dollars. A trillion dollars. So no wonder giving away a million dollars a year. Who cares? Will you marry me?

And then divorce me and give me alimony? Can I preside over the ceremony? Because I feel like you are my really good friend at this point. Scott, marriage is very serious. It's not a joke. That's right, it is. Can I interview you about your love first? You can kiss me on my forehead, but not the other place. Okay. I wish that I could, John, but I have to marry for love. I have to marry for love, even though I know I will eventually get divorced. What are you looking for in a partner? Oh, I like a lady with brown hair. Okay.

I thought you said you were marrying for love. You're just into it for the brown hair? I love brown hair. Wait a minute, Scott. That's just one criterion. Thank you. He's just beginning a list. Would you like to hear the criterion collection? Of course. Criterion? It's not all going to necessarily be superficial. Why is it the criterion collection called criteria? Criteria, exactly. Ridiculous. Anyway, brown hair, number one, with a bullet. I like a lady with a bullet. Been way down below. Man, a steep drop off to number two is, what's such a humor?

When you say a sense of humor, everyone has a sense of humor, but it's their own particular sense of humor. Do you mean one like yours? Yes, exactly. Where I say things and they laugh at it. We both agree. That's funny. Someone who loves...

Popular songs reworked with new words. Okay. So far you've mentioned someone's physical attributes and two things that they like about you. One of my, the I love my curvy wife guy. Come on. I just said brown hair. That's not that big a deal. What's number four? Her being curvy?

I don't mind it. I don't mind a little – a gal with a little meat on her bones. Okay. I don't mind a gal who has, you know, very thick bones. Thick bones and then not a lot of meat or – One or the other. Either very thin bones with a ton of meat or very stringy meat with super thick bones. Okay.

You just like a certain shape. However it gets there doesn't matter to you. Exactly. Well, because I buy them – I bought my wife's clothing. Okay. And that's very nice of you. I keep a closet because there's nothing like it when you bring a lady home. Right. And you say, I've got a whole closet of clothing for you. Try it on, honey. Try it on. Well, she has to fit the clothes because when we get divorced, I keep the clothes in the house. Right.

Is that in the prenup? Do you ever sign a prenup? I always sign a prenup. Okay. Always sign a prenup. And part of this prenup is I'm going to give you – I'm definitely going to give you money. $12,000 a month? Oh, yes. The prenup is very brief. It simply states, should we get divorced, you will get $12,000 a month.

And I got to keep those clothes. I got to keep those clothes. Got to keep those clothes. Is it worded like that? I got to keep those clothes? It's an asterisk. There's a lot of legal mumbo jumbo at the bottom. I got to keep those clothes. Has the wardrobe evolved and been added to since wife one? I know. What year was the first? It's updated as the fashions change. So you throw some out.

Well, I can't bear to do that. It expands. I treat them like the American flag and I burn them once they are no longer fit for service. I have a ceremony where I burn them. I play a bugle. Yeah. And I burn them on top of the oven. So you play the bugle as well. So you are a musician. I play one song in the bugle that is taps. Oh, beautiful song. It's a beautiful song. Have you ever written funny lyrics for taps? Of course I have. Let's hear some.

Burning clothes. Burning clothes. There it goes. All the clothes. Smoke in my nose. I'm divorced.

And now I'm forced to burning clothes, burning clothes, burning clothes. So you know this song. Yes. A big fan. I didn't know where that came from. I saw it on YouTube. Well, that explains the one view.

Well, two. I watched it. Just to make sure there were no mistakes. I don't know how I came across it, what led me there. I got down into a YouTube hole. Were you searching song parodies? I may have been. You just typed the words song parodies into YouTube? And then you looked at every single listing and got down to mine. I did not look up the word weirdomony, though. So I didn't get to it there. I'd like people to look up the word weirdomony. Weirdomony alimony Tony. Weirdomony alimony Tony. That's me.

So you, when was your first wife? What year? When was your first wife? When did you get married to your first wife? You know what I mean. 1998. Whoa, so you, so it's been 20 years. We had a very brief marriage. It only lasted a year. Then I think she married someone else. She did. Who is this? What was her name? Her name was Catherine. Catherine? Wait, what? Yeah. Huh? What's that? Nothing. It's just that that happens to be my wife's name. Oh. When did you get married?

September 25th, 1999. Oh, that's very interesting. And she has brown hair. Can I ask you a question, John? Does she have big bones with a little bit of meat or does she have tiny bones with a lot of meat? This is how all women can be described, one or the other.

It's strange. I don't think about women that way. So you couldn't even hazard a guess publicly. I've not seen a cross-section of her body. Okay. You've got to see that cross-section of her body. No. In year 20, you've got to get there. I wish that that was a thing that you could see before you get involved with something. That's the 21st anniversary present, actually. It's a

Each member of the marriage gives each other a full body scan, MRI. One time I tried to marry a Chinese prisoner because I was hoping I could get to see a cross-section of her body. What was your wife's maiden name, if I may ask? And did she change it to Hodgman? No and no.

I may not ask the former. That's right. And she did not change it to Hodgman? Correct. Okay. So you could try guessing again. You're a good guesser. Really? I've ruled out one. Which one? Hodgman. Hodgman. Okay. Is it Hodgewoman? How did you do that? Now, this is strange. Oh, my goodness. Because I was married to a woman named Catherine Hodgewoman. Catherine Hodgewoman was your previous first wife. This is too much of a coincidence.

I'm speechless. As am I, although I'm talking. All of a sudden, I realize that my wife gets $12,000 a month. Of just walking around money? I have no knowledge of. She hasn't shared it with you? Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. I'm remembering now all those checks coming back to me, unopened, returned to sender. Address unknown? She wanted nothing to do with me after we got divorced. Well, I love my wife very much, but that was dumb. Your curvy wife? I want that money.

I'm sorry, John, the die is cast. Catherine said no. She doesn't want the money. Hang on. I'm going to text her. Okay, sure. Do you mind if I send her a picture of you? I don't mind at all. I love having my picture taken. Oh, wow. You're really posing. You're hitting all those angles. Damn. That's what it's about. It's about tiny micro adjustments. That's the key to getting your picture taken and getting it over with. Dear Kath, were you married to this man by any chance?

Also, we need eggs. She probably would only know me as Tony. I didn't say your name. She wouldn't wait. She wouldn't know you by picture, by sight. He sent a picture. Yeah. She would only know Tony. Did you disguise your face? Yeah. We got married in the dark.

And we lived in the dark for a year. Is it one of those like dark restaurants? Yes, exactly. I thought that's the way to live. The greatest first blind date. Exactly. That was our first date. Almost literally blind. That was our first date in 1998. We went to one of those completely dark restaurants. Right. And you said, let's keep this going. We had such a wonderful time. I said, why should we tamper with this? I never want to find out if your hair is brown or not.

If this is true for all your wives, really, the color of the hair really is immaterial. No, that was just the one. I don't do the same thing. I don't live with all these women in the dark. Oh, no, of course not. You don't do the same thing among your seven wives. You just make them wear the same clothes. Each of my relationships is unique. John, have you gotten a text back?

No, because I put my phone on airplane mode because I respect the studio. Oh, okay. We're never going to get an answer. Put my phone on airplane mode. Do-da, do-da. There's another. That was your other one that I went to. Oh, you saw that one too? Yeah, yeah. I'm the second view.

Wow. Well, hang on. I can't send a text. I can't get emails. I put my phone on airplane mode. Now I'm going to cry. I just took it off airplane. A lot of your songs end with now I'm going to cry. Most of them do, yes. I think it's a funny punchline and you don't see it coming.

Although, the more videos that you watch, you kind of do see it coming. It's very repetitive. If you watch the entire playlist, yes, you will see. But then it becomes that comedy of, oh, he does it every time. Oh, it's so many times. And then I'll put one in there where I don't do it, and then you're like, okay. Oh, he's done with it now. And then I do it again. Ah, so funny. Exactly. I just took my phone off of airplane mode. Okay. And, oh my gosh, I'm getting a lot of texts that have been stacked up. Oh, wow. Yeah.

It's really blowing up here. Wow. It's not true. I just want to seem popular. But no, Catherine wrote back and she said, I'm really not sure. Hang on. I got to write back to her. Sure. Oh, that's our shortstop. Send.

Classic comedy. Now that's a joke a clown could love. Well, sorry, a weird-a-money alimony, Tony. You can call me alimony, Tony. That's fine. That's fine. We have to take a break. Do you want to stick around? I'd love to stick around. Scott, I'm having a wonderful time. I listen to the show, obviously, because it's a minute catchphrase. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's true. We also have an odds and ends man coming up. Oh, this is exciting. I love your open-door policy.

Never been on the show before, and hopefully we'll get a little more information from Catherine. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs. Oh boy, we're having entrepreneurs back on the show, and they are going to use it. It helps entrepreneurs stand out and succeed online.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with our good friend John Hodgman. His podcast is out there, much like The Truth and The X-Files. You can get it somewhere. We also have Weirdamony Alamony Tony is with us. Do you know the alamony?

I can teach you. Yes, I bet. And then I do a comical thing where I put the letters in the wrong order and I run out of time because the song ends at a certain point before I can get out of it. That seems like the funny part. I don't know why you sang the first part. Oh, well, I wanted to give people a flavor for it so they can see my YouTube channel.

Listen. What is the channel, by the way? How do people get to it? Because you said you wish people called you Weird-a-money, Al-a-money Tony. Yes. The channel is entitled, Please, I beg of you, call me Weird-a-money, Al-a-money Tony. These are my YouTube videos of songs that I've put funny words to. Okay. And you own this. Surely no one out there listening will be able to. Well, here's what I think the problem is, is that it's all one word. And it's so easy to...

To get one letter off. Yeah. To forget a word. That's the whole internet, you know? That's the whole internet. That's why these things like Google, it's easy. Google, it's easy. Hey, you sound like you used to sound. Clear your throat again. Google, it's easy.

All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest. Please. I've been hyping him up here for a dog's age here. But he is, of course, an odds and ends man, which I don't exactly know what that is. But welcome to the show, Rupert Sharp. Hello. Hey, Scott. Fellas. Thanks so much. Love to be on the show. Boy, oh boy. What a thrill. It's our thrill. This is John Hodgman.

Hey, how are you? I'm a fan of your podcast. Oh, thank you. The Judge John Hoffman podcast? Oh, no. That one I don't know. Oh, check it out. Maybe it's not you that I'm listening to. There's some podcasts I like, but you seem like a good guy and I'm glad to meet you. Does he ask to lock the gates at the beginning of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's not John. I feel like I know a lot about you, by the way.

And you're tasting guitar riffs. Ah, yeah. If you're the man I'm thinking of, anyway. That's my side hustle. This is Weirdamoney Alimony. Tony. Hi there. Oh, yes. Weirdamoney Alimony? Yes. Ah, what a iambic name. I don't know the names of the different poetic- It's a pretty iambic name. Sure. You can just call me Alimony, Tony, if that's easy. Hey, that's the kind of guy I like. Casual. No airs about you. You like casual people? Love casual. I hate formality. Do you like people with nicknames?

Sure, I love it. Because those people, they tend to be relaxed. Too many people get offended in this country these days. Thin skinned. You don't like this whole PC culture? You know, a lot about the modern age bothers me. Oh, a lot about the modern age. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Things are going in the wrong direction. And I'm no Trump supporter, by the way. I'm not a political guy. No one said that. I feel like I'm heading down that road by accident.

I don't want to back into it. Time for a pivot. Early pivot in my conversation. Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, Scott, you were wondering what an odds and endsman is. Listen, it's a simple thing. I don't mean to make this obtuse. I don't like obtuse people. You're a simple man who likes nicknames. I do like nicknames, yes. Although that seems like sort of a level upon thing.

It seems like it's almost simpler to just have your Christian name, but then to add a nickname makes it less simple. Sure. I guess if I had two people, all things equal, and one of them has a—they're both casual, but one has a nickname and one doesn't, I'll go with the non-nickname person. Okay, but if someone wants to be called Dr. Something— Oh, boy. Oh, you take the nickname guy. And then somebody over here is like, just call me Skids. I'm like, me and Skids are going to get a brew. See you later, Doctor Whatever. How did you know my nickname, Scott? You're a good guesser. I'm Dr. Something. That's what they call me.

Doctor something. But are you an official PhD or is it just a nickname doctor? It's an honorary doctor. You're like doc? University of Massachusetts. I don't know where I fall with you. You're a real great air. I think we have something. You say you don't like obtuse people, right? That's correct, yeah. Boy, oh boy. Oh, give me a break. I'm not obtusist, but those people are really getting out of hand. I'm not obtusist either. Like just, you know, I'm friends with a couple obtuse people because I went to school with them or whatever. Right, exactly. But by and large, I don't like people who put on airs.

Okay. So heavily established. You don't like people who put on airs. Yeah. I don't know why I dug into that so deeply, but the thing I— Is that not germane to your whole deal? I wasn't expecting it to be. Is it your majesty to your whole deal? It's germane son. Yeah.

Yeah, Jermaine Jackson's son, Jermajesty. Now, that's a nickname I love. It's a great name. I don't know why more people have it named. I guess it's not a nickname. His actual given name is Jermajesty Jackson. That's the kind of guy. I could go on a road trip with Jermajesty Jackson. I could hang out with that dude for 24 hours in a row.

Which is my maximum amount of time. Like stay awake all night. Yeah. Give me some no-dos and I got to talk to your majesty. 24 hours and then friendship over. I've never hung out with somebody long. Maybe I could go – to me, 24 hours is the max you would hang out in a day. Yeah, in a row. In a row. Oh, in a day? Yeah. I never thought of it. Look, for me, 24 hours is like the Mach 1. You can't break the sound barrier in terms of friendship hanging out.

Right, right. I can't go longer than 25. I couldn't imagine it. Now, is this important to your whole deal? I don't think so. Get to what's important. Yeah, we're far into me talking. I was going to say odd jobs, my friends. Odds and ends, man. Odds and ends, man. Little things around the house. That's how I make my living. If you need a couple of like, who knows, you need keys sharpened maybe or if you need- Sharpened? Yeah, you need your keys sharpened. To what end?

Well, maybe they're not sharp enough for you. Maybe like... I don't need them sharp. Can I tell you something? Do you have any sharp keys? I hate dull keys. Exactly. I hate them. Yeah. As long as they fit in the slot.

Yeah, but have you ever heard of someone who has a self-defense mechanism? They're walking down the street. And they hold their keys in between their knuckles so they have like a little mini Wolverine thing going on. If you've got dull keys there, good luck. Yeah, I guess that's true. You want at least one or two sharp keys. Would they not fit in the lock though if they have like sharp? They'd be useless as keys. That's why you've got to pick and choose. Don't give me your car key and have that sharp. And I'll check. Is Wolverine supposed to denote a little wolf?

That's interesting. Is that where the name Wolverine comes from? Yeah, I guess it is a teeny Wolverine. Wolverine-y. It's a slightly larger Wolverine-lo. What's that? Wolverine-lo.

That's what I meant to say. Everything all right? What would a, what would a wolverette be? I guess a female wolverine? A female diminutive? A small, a small female wolverine. Were they backup singers, the wolverettes? In the 70s? Yes. Yes. And I think they were great. Is this important?

I don't think so. But aside from sharpening keys. I would say after the Pips and the Supremes, I would like the Wolverettes. You know, I find it's, as a listener to the show, I find it's always tough for the second guest sometimes to get out their whole deal. That's just as well. Because, well, by that point, there's three other people in the room. That's right.

I like that you're making excuses for me. It could just be that my main deal is not germane enough to transcend, which I'm always willing to admit. Or your majesty. It's not your majesty enough to make it to the surface. So you are, what you do is you're hiring? I'll head into a neighborhood. I'll wander in. I'll walk up to a house and I'll say, hey, you got any little things that need done just for a fair wage? Just a little thing. You need any keys sharpened? You want your, maybe some hinges tightened? Yeah.

You want something sanded, perhaps? You want to get some knives duplicated? Yeah, you want some knives. You know, hey, is this a good knife? I'll get one just like it. I mean, do you prefer the serratedness of this knife? Why not have two? Do you hang any drywall? Sure, I'll hang a little drywall. I'll paper a room. You said that so languidly. Do you hang any drywall? Hey, don't mess with Doc over here, all right? Doc. Doc.

So you're putting up wallpaper as well? Yeah, I'll put up some wallpaper if that's what you need. Are you an interior decorator? I don't think so. If you need furniture arranged in a certain way, maybe you need some upholstery, I'll do that. That's no problem. What about fixtures? Odds and ends. Sure, I love fixtures. Or if you want sort of a theme of knickknacks.

I can help you decide that. It really seems to me like you need to get into interior design. That's not how I see it because I'll also sharpen those keys. I'll duplicate your knives. Don't tell me that's interior decoration. The only two things that are not interior decorating. Well, hey, I appreciate the feedback and I'll take it into consideration. What else do I do? Color schemes? Suggest knocking down walls? Sure, yeah. Maybe open this room up a little bit. Open floor plan? Let's get an island here in this kitchen, I'll say. That's a good odds and ends type of thing to do. Okay.

Restructure the structure of the house. Really, I think that your identity shouldn't be odds and ends, man. It should just be like, you know, a very famous interior design. It's about the pretentiousness. What's a fair wage to you? Fair wage? Two bits.

Two bits for all that? And the thing I charge for two bits. Yeah, that's right. That's four bits. I forget my bits to coin. Two bits is a quarter. Yeah, so four bits is 50 cents. A sawbuck is... Buck 50? No, I think that's $10. Sawbuck is, yeah, I believe it's $10 or $5. One of the two. Boy, in my family... It's not $5. That's a fin. That's $5. A fin is $5. I believe a sawbuck is $10. What do you call slap me a couple of fish? Oh, that's our catcher.

It's real deep in the Who's Not First sketch. They get into the slimy couple of fish. Whee!

That's our designated hitter. Rupert, can I give you some advice? I would love some. Were you to go into these, you know, travel around the neighborhoods, wander into a suburb. Sure, wander into a suburb. Just offer myself peacefully, hands up. Were you to knock on doors and were you to offer your services as an interior designer, you could charge way more than two bits, four bits, a sawbuck, a fin. I just don't know the way society's going. You could be charging, you know, $20,000. $20,000? What would I do with $20,000? Come on, I'm not. $5,000?

We were just talking about it earlier in the show. We got there at the same time. That's fun. Look, I don't need that. I got two sleeping bags and a pickup truck, and I am good. Why do you have two sleeping bags? Backup, in case it rains. I keep one tied up nice and dry. I'll switch to my backup sleeping bag if it rains. So it's an open flatbed truck, and you sleep in the back? That's right. It's open in concept and in space. That's right. Rup, you'll forgive me. I want to know. I love Rup. Right? Hey. Easy, unpretentious.

You say you have two sleeping bags. That's right. Is there a lady in your life? Or a person. I don't like to kiss and tell, but absolutely. Well, the fact that he was almost a Trump guy made me think that he was definitely. I'm not almost a Trump guy. I was backing into that. I know you're not. I'm a political Trump guy. No opinion on politics at all. Accidental Trump guy, I know, I know.

It's serious. Another one on the playlist. I've seen that video. You have seen that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that one and three views. I can't believe I'm meeting the people that have provided all the views of my page. And the current husband of your first ex-wife. Oh, yeah, that too. That's also strange. Yeah.

That's not so strange. You called it accidentally Trump supporter. You still called it Girlfriend in a Coma, so I was looking for that song. I forgot to change the – because I was thinking Girlfriend in a Coma. Sure. This is what the song is, Paradising. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot to change the name. Paradising. Paradising. Yeah, that's a term of art. Okay.

Yeah, I backed into Trump rallies by mistake. I've gotten in there to do odds and ends. Wait, you were walking backwards? I walked backwards. So I didn't see what it was. You backed your truck in. I backed my truck in. I get out. I walk backwards. You were probably on the backside of a piece of furniture that you were walking into the Trump rallies. Sure. I was helping out with replacing some sofas for a friend of mine. You really should be charging a lot more for this. I don't think that's necessary. Yeah.

Why do you have such a simple lifestyle? Oh, that's all you need, Scott. That's all you need. I mean, surely when it rains, you would desire a roof. Yeah, but what about a roof over your head? I love the rain. I love the stars above my head. What about a nice split-level roof over your head, open concept? Now you're speaking my language. Although you can do a lot with just a simple colonial. Are you allowed to live in a WeWork? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's always been my opinion.

I'm not sure if I'm the authority, really. It's more of a legal matter, right? Yeah, you know, ask for forgiveness and not permission has been my strategy. Yes, exactly. Right, yeah. How did you get interested in the various odd jobs that you do? Well, I was a stockbroker. I owned Goldman Sachs. Oh, what? You owned Goldman Sachs?

You did. I did. And I said, this life is not for me. Wow. And I walked away from it at the height of my power. What did you not like about it? The stress? The stress was bad. The greed. The type, the character of the people that you would work with. Who's worse, Goldman or Sachs?

Well, this is between you and me and the lamppost, but I'd say Saks by far. Really? Yeah. Goldman will stab you in the stomach. Saks in the back. That's the difference. Saks in the back. Yeah. Saks in the back is – Out of the park home run. I'm bringing Saks in the back. It's a parody of Sexy Back. Wait. Can we back up? You're saying Saks in the back is the name of a home run?

Out of the park. Or he hit... It's a type of home run? Yeah, yeah. One that goes out of the park, you know, over the back of the stands. I hate to destroy a bit that was working well and I'm going to now ruin it. All right. Before... It was arguable. We were giving the names of people on the team, but now you're naming just things that happened in the ballpark? During a game. So, like, inside the park home run might have the name, like, impartisable or something like that? Something like that. Ah, okay. I like to know the rules of where I'm wandering about. Inside the park home run? Well, that's a hockey goal. Ha ha ha.

So you, Rup, you left Goldman Sachs. At the height of my powers. But how did you get interested in these odds and ends? Well, I was like, you know, this isn't working. This abstract numbers and space and like we say this is valuable. And so now that I say that I own you. Money is just a concept. It's just a concept. Give me something I can put my hands on. Don't say that. Well, I mean, it's easy to disagree when you have a trillion of them. Well, but it's also I love paying money to ex-wives. That's true.

But you could, you know, Alimony Tony, if I could give you a suggestion, and it's just a suggestion. I'm not an expert in your field of whatever it is. But you could be paying them in like hard goods, you know, instead of like Venmoing them or however it is you're doing it. Yeah, the barter system? Sharp keys. Well, it could be cash in a briefcase or it could be some emeralds or it could be some gold bars out of your safe deposit box. Right.

But I thought you were going down the line of I could be exchanging services. Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. You could be doing that too, I guess, Potter. Hanging paintings in their home. Yeah, you could be straightening paintings or maybe suggesting a type of rug. Do you go down to like art dealers and pick out paintings as well? Yeah, I usually go down there and I'll negotiate a price and I'll say this is the kind of art that – You're also an art dealer. I wouldn't say that. Hey, that's not the way I put it. I buy paintings from fellows who work with their hands.

Yeah, that's how art is made. People do it with their hands. Do you know Paul Klee? Sure. Buddy of mine. Nice guy. Salt of the earth. It seems to me like you're not that much different of a guy than when you worked at Goldman Sachs when you owned it. Wow, that hurts. And you were interested in interior design and art? No, no, no, no. I'll take that and reevaluate my life tonight.

As I cry. You are wearing a double-breasted suit. Sure, but I made this. But I made this. Oh, really? And the gold tie I fashioned. Oh, I see. Out of gold. Yeah. Out of liquid gold. And so are you paid so little because you, much like Alimony- Alimony Tony. Weird-a-money Alimony Tony over here. Are you independently wealthy? Define independently wealthy. How much money would I have to have for you to feel comfortable saying I'm independently wealthy?

That's a good question, Stetson. Like if I had $10,000 in the bank, I don't think you'd say I was independently wealthy. No, certainly not. Even if I had $100,000, a sizable sum, Doc. No, that would maybe last. So you wouldn't say that's why he's not independently wealthy. No, no. How much do you owe? Doc, something you could run through 100 grand easy, right? I did it on the way over. I'm doing it right now. How much do you have? Liquid? Sure.

$500 million. Okay, see? There's nothing to sneeze at. I mean, you would sneeze at it maybe because, you know. I meant for you people. But I don't touch it. That's a fraction of what you're worth. I don't touch it. Are you like Jay Leno? Yes, in every way. Do you just survive on your stand-up dates? Not just that. I laugh at headlines and I'm like, I got to tell somebody.

My main conversation piece is get a load of this idiot. You ask a bunch of tourists simple questions about history until one dumb person says something? Yeah, wait till I fight an idiot and then we all laugh at them together. What's the ratio of people who know the answer to not knowing the answer? One out of every 10,000 people doesn't know the answer. But we love to laugh at them. It takes a while.

You find it because they have to look like kind of smart. You can't feel bad for them. Of course. You can't be like a real D-minus of a person. Yeah. Sometimes comedy is all about putting in the work to humiliate someone. Thanks, Doc. It's very true. It's very true. It's who wins. That's how I look at comedy. Rup, we have to take a break if that's okay. Of course. I'm not pressuring anybody. Sure. I mean, you have nothing to do. I mean, you have no responsibilities. Let me ask you something. What's this room here? Yeah. You ever think about adding a couple like, I don't know, something, I don't know, a Kandinsky around here? You ever? No.

I don't know. Just something to conversation starter, really. Yeah, could you go find me one? I got one in my truck. Okay, how much would I pay you for it? Two bits, baby. Two bits and sold. Yeah. All right, look, go down to your truck and get it. When we come back. How do I work this door? It's sort of like, you ever see a velociraptor? Let's get the velociraptor over here. Over here? Turn it down like this. Ow! All right, we're going to be right back for Comedy Bang Bang after this. Push in!

Clever girl.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Judge Sean Hoffman, our treasured guest. How do you do? Do something in the house. We also have Weirdamony Alamony Tony, who is a song parodist. That's right. With $1 trillion, were he to liquidate all of his assets. About $1 trillion. Sure, yeah. It's hard to estimate. And then we have the similarly rich, and yet with only $500 million, it's a fraction of what Weirdamony Alamony Tony- I'm not ashamed of that.

Nor should you be. Rupert Sharp, aka Rupert Sharp, is here, the former owner of Goldman Sachs, who has brought in something during the break. This is a... Kandinsky. A Kandinsky. This is beautiful. It's a beautiful sign. Modern era. Yeah. Early modern. It's not post-modern. This is beautiful. True modern. But...

I don't quite know what furniture would go with it. Now, this installation, do you need to have this up here, right? Obviously, the sound stuff. Well, it's really poor right now. We were hoping to add more because you can hear all the way into the lobby. Okay. We think we can kill two birds with one stone soon. Oh, okay. I'll sharpen these keys first off. Then we'll get rid of this foam here. We'll put some nice thick Picassos around. Okay. Not his prime stuff because that's not worth it. Okay. If I may? Mm-hmm.

May I suggest a Van Gogh or two? He really liked to slather on that paint. That's right. Oh, yeah. You want a quiet room? Yeah. You want a nice absorbing tone? Yeah. Someone who had a lot of paint on those bones? The Impressionist. Yeah, the Impressionist said like thick bones and a lot of meat on it is how I would call those paints. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. Are these going to appreciate, though, in value? Because I'm really looking at it as an investment. I wouldn't think about it that way. You're looking at it all wrong. Yeah, they start depreciating. Once you take it off the easel, it starts to depreciate right away. Yeah, I guess so. Once you put your eyes on it, it basically loses half of its value. Well, imagine all the people that have looked at those paintings. Disgusting what you think about it. Well, the only way to enjoy art is to actually put your eyes onto the painting. Like push your eyeball, like full direct contact? Give a painting butterfly kisses?

Do I have a painting of butterfly kisses? No, give a painting butterfly kisses. I do have a painting. Do you have a painting of butterfly kisses? I've dabbled in painting. You've dabbled in painting. Can we see some of your work? Right here. This is my painting of the famous father-daughter dance song, Butterfly Kisses. Oh, my God. This is beautiful. Wait, no. If I'm not mistaken, going by these brush strokes, what you've done is much like when they teach an animal how to paint. You've dipped your eyelashes in paint. That's right. And used that as your brush.

I think you got to be right up against the canvas if you really want to capture the spirit of what you're thinking. I was going to say, you came in here in a suit and you have various colored eyelashes. Thank you for noticing.

It's hard not to notice. I didn't want to say anything. It's very striking. That's so gracious of you. It works. But I have to say, this is a beautiful painting. I'm almost moved to tears looking at it. Please, please, please. Don't say that. I can't take that kind of pretentiousness. I mean, you're an art dealer who can actually make successful art yourself. I don't... This is a hobby. My main... My main...

way of living is sharpening those keys sharpening keys duplicating knives wandering into suburbs and knocking on doors and just saying hey can I help out you got two bits for a guy do you have any other hobbies any other side hustles you know is cello a side hustle I don't know I don't consider it cello isn't cello the 20th anniversary

Cello, yeah, that's the 20th anniversary for a couple. You got to give each other cellos. I may have misheard earlier. Or cello shots. Oh, I love cello shots. Can you play a little bit of the cello? Sure. Oh, you have one right here in your bag. Hang on. I got to put it together real quick. It's a little, it's a three-piecer. Yeah, okay. How much would I owe you for this? Two bits. Two bits is easy. You got two bits? I have two bits right here. You're good for it, pal.

That's just me warming up. Oh, I thought that was so good. That was beautiful. I just like to get my... All of a sudden, I felt like I was on public radio. Yeah, and now I'll actually play the cello. Sorry.

I just like to have my vocal cords warmed up. Sure, yeah. Thank you for that. Oh, you were making the noise with your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I definitely thought that was the challenge. Oh, no, no, no. You were making the music with your mouth? Yeah, just a second. Like Biz Marquis? Yeah, he's my hero. Are you a cello ventriloquist? Chill-triloquist? A chill-triloquist. Biz Marquis is chill-triloquist. Or a ventriloquist? I like to think I'm both. Ventriloquist. Ventriloquist is the term. You're welcome. Elegant portmanteau.

I hate clumsy ones. Oh, there's nothing worse. All right. I think I got what you need right over here. Carlifer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah.

I don't know. Is that something? Oh, that was beautiful. Let me flip two bits at you. That was beautiful. Much like Two-Face. I will also donate two bits to you. Ooh, hey, I'll take that, pal. I don't have any cash. No problem, Doc Something. We're buds. You're good for it. Oh, my gosh. Give me a broom. Next time I see you down at Leo's. So you're an art-loving interior decorator who also plays the cello. I'm an odds and ends man. That's all you got to know. Wow. I mean, but you don't like anyone who's fancy. Duh.

I can't stand them. That's trouble. Yeah. You get someone who's got errors about them, they're going to stab you in the back or the front or the side. Are you interested in – obviously you're very interested in the humanities it seems like. I mean I wouldn't say that. I just – hey, I like helping out around the house. Yeah.

By playing cello concertos? Yeah, if there's a beast who needs soothing, you know, maybe an unruly child that you need to like on a primal level get them to like go to sleep. Yeah, help out around the house that way, you know. Sure. Domestic dispute where you've lost that spark and that flame and you need some – the magic of music to just get you back in touch with your emotional self. That'll help out. When couples are fighting, you come over and play the cello. I'll be like, hey, let me see if this helps. Yeah.

This might help you with your ex-wife problem. Well, this is why I never play music around the house. Yeah, because he wanted to. You don't allow music...

That is, you know, my not allowing music to be played in the house is, I'm going to say it's led to almost 100% of my divorces. No music in the house, and yet you write parody songs. Yes, it's just for me. I get to go into my studio and I get to do my, yes, my studio, and I get to do my parodies, but I forbid music being played in the house.

You have a studio in your home at most times? At most times. And when do you not? I have a studio for painting, not a music studio, but a painting studio. In the truck?

Yeah. Where do you live? In my truck. The studio is the passenger seat. Right, right, right, right. Is your truck parked anywhere, like a giant mansion or? It's on an, I mean, I don't know if it's a giant mansion. It is a six-bathroom, ten-bedroom house. Oh, in what city? Upper West Side. Okay. Yeah. Well. Right up by the Cloisters. I just park it up there because I like to be near nature. Do you know, I like to think of the cab of your truck.

Thank you. Thank you for thinking of it. I like being thought of in any context. If the passenger sees your painting studio, I like to think of it all just covered with paint. And then the other side, the driver's side, completely pristine. And it's like the Batman villain Two-Face.

I just mentioned him not five minutes ago when I flipped my two bits at him. The Batman villain Two-Face. Why not Three-Face? Maybe that's why it was in your head. Why not Three-Face? Why stop at Two? That's the thing. He could have been like a Neapolitan ice cream. Yeah. And Chalk Straw. One good-looking side, then in the center like... He's okay. He's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other side, oh, he's gone. Lotus guy. Just really like a...

What do you call that on the, you would know this, you're a painter. That's right. I know all this. When you do the painting that, not a triptych necessarily, but you know when you're doing a wall and it goes from like one color down to a darker color, but it blends. Gradient? Not a gradient either. God damn it. What is it called? Maybe you know and you're wanting me to say it and you can just tell me. No, I don't. It's a certain technique.

Where are you? Trump loyal. It's not it, but I just wanted to throw out that I knew. Did you just say Trump? No, hey! Are you a Trump supporter? No, no, no. It seems to me like you want to talk about Trump. No, no, no. Trust me. Why are you giving me the okay symbol right now? Hey, no, no, no. That's not what I'm doing. Why do you have a cartoon frog on your t-shirt? Hey, that's a coincidence. I like the composition of this. You're wearing a business suit, a cartoon frog t-shirt, and you have multicolored eyelashes. A red baseball cap turned back.

We don't know what it says on the front. Is it a Cleveland Indians? We're out of season. Who's not a fan of Cincinnati? Turn around. No, why bother? Who cares? All right. I'll take that as an answer. Yeah. Let's not get distracted. The cap's just to let people know I'm just a guy. Do you have anything else you want to talk to us about? Probably not.

Are you saying did I have other issues that I came in here with to discuss? I don't know. I'm wondering how much of this ended up being your deal and how much of it was not your deal. I can't remember. I'll tell you what I – I guess I'll leave you with a moral. Oh, okay. We should all do this. Yeah. Like, you know, and my morals, by the way, take them or leave them. Like I'm not a pushy guy. Is that the moral? Take them or leave them? Take them or leave them. That's a premoral moral. That's a premoral. That's a moral for the moral.

The moral for this moral is take it or leave it. But the actual moral is don't mix traditional with a modern aesthetic because it'll look like shit. Okay, this doesn't sound like a moral. This is like design advice. I wouldn't say so. That's a moral for life. I think that you should have your own show on HGTV or something. I would never do that. Why? Because I can't stand to be that kind of guy.

I can't have airs about me. But I mean, you're- I'm going to roll into a bar, play a game of darts, maybe help out the guy- You don't seem like a regular guy. That's who I am! You're wearing a Pepe t-shirt. You have multicolored eyelashes. Come on. You have $500 million. Look. In the bank. In the bank. You're wearing a suit. Thank you. You have a gold tie. Sure. A Pepe t-shirt. Right.

Backwards hat. You have multicolored eyelashes. And we have... Wearing a backwards baseball cap. We have opinions on what's on the front side of that hat. You have opinions, but you haven't seen Doc Something. Have you seen the front of my hat? No, it's like a... Is that why you're always backing into places? Don't worry about it. Hey, what are you, the walk auditor? Come on. Oh, we got you there. Damn it. Well, look. All right, John, what's your moral? Yeah, what's your moral? Doc Something, your moral. You're not ready? No, I'm not. I would say the secret...

Secret to a happy marriage. This is good. Is listening. Compromise. Get over yourself. King size bed.

And make sure you find someone who was briefly married in total darkness for six months to a year. So they're used to it. So you look good by comparison. What I love about that advice is anybody can follow it. It applies to any situation. No matter how much money you have in the bank, be it $1 trillion, be it $500 million. The simplest advice is always the best. Which itself is good advice. A little life lesson? A little life lesson for me? Well, you know, I got to say, happy wife.

Duplicate that knife. Wow. It's a good one. You know? Because you don't want to be knifeless, you know, when you're chopping up, chopping broccoli, as Dan Carvey said. Happy wife, duplicate that knife. Wife not happy, that knife is too crappy. Exactly. You only have one of the knife that's too crappy. Exactly. I appreciate it, Your Majesty. These are to the things I was talking about. And weird... Weirdimony alimony, Tony. My moral...

You can change the words to a song, but that doesn't erase the original song. That song is still there for you to enjoy. It sounds like a legal defense. Yeah. Like to not get sued. Can it be both? Why not? I wish more court cases ended with morals. I wish every episode of Judge Judy ended with it. Like her turning to the camera like Jerry Springer's doing a final thought or something. What did we learn today? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, the end. Oh, the end. Oh, the end. You're like Coco Marx. Coco Marx, he would end every joke by saying the end. That's right. The end. Yes. So that's my moral is you can still enjoy the original song. Any tampering with it doesn't change your enjoyment of that original song. Yeah. I hope our listeners got a little something out of that. Four morals from four straight white rich men. I'm not rich. Only on paper.

I am rich. Wait, what papers? The papers of your bank accounts? Yeah, the currency and the bank statements that I have. The money paper. Yeah, and the deeds that I have. The property that I own. Now, is that paper solid, liquid, or other? Other.

Some of it's gaseous. Oh, thank God. Liquid gold. I can still afford that alimony. Well, guys, we're running out of time here, but we only have... We really are, and the only thing that we have left to do here is a little something called plugs. I got an ad, Scott. Show's going on and they're so hot. Got a mean pod, got a team of writers on my staff, and they get it like... Plugs. P-L-U-G-P-L-U-G-N. Plugs. P-L-U-G-P-L-U-G-N. Plugs.

I got a good thing, an adult show at CISO. Oh, boy. I have to see you with the CBB, let me see some more. Whoa. Really, let's have a conversation. Is there a reason why? L-U-G-S. Whoa. L-U-G-S. Whoa. Running down my biography, it seems, of all my accomplishments. That was Plug the Jewels by Revolver. What if it said I died at 51 years old? No, no. I would have a lot more fucking to squeeze in. What?

Guys, what are we plugging? Let's go to Judge John Hoffman here. Sure. Well, strangely enough, I also host a podcast. That is odd. And while my name is Han Judgeman, the podcast is called Judge John Hodgman. Okay, I get it. It's available weekly at MaximumFun.org. You do that every single week?

week. Every single week. Wow. And are the cases, are they different enough? Meaning, do you get the same cases all the time? Like, this is what my argument is? Quite honestly, Scott, today I'm going to hear a case that is identical to the 11th case I ever heard. Okay. And we are now on, I think, 370. And have you

sort of advanced in your thinking where you may give a different result to the... As a matter of fact, when I realized that we're hearing the same case again, this is the first time it's happened. I asked our producer to go back to the 11th episode.

Listen to the verdict that I gave in that dispute, which was how people pronounce their last name, their family name. And see if it matches. But don't reveal it to me. I'm going to hear this case. And at the end, we'll give my verdict. We'll see if it compares or contrasts. We'll see if I'm consistent. Right. Or just a fickle dilettante. Or maybe you've evolved in your thinking. People can change their thinking. I don't think so. I had neighbors, by the way, who said their names very differently. I do not want to say. Okay. Publicly.

Well, that's great. And anything else out there? My book, Vacationland, is available in paperback. It's a wonderful read. Like

Like I said to you in your previous episode, I felt like at the end of it, I knew so much about you. I felt like I should write you a book about my life. Well, I have another book due that I'm working on now. But if you wanted to write it for me, that would be great. No, no. I don't want to write your book about your life. I want to write you a book about my life. Like a book like – So that you would know as much about me as I know about you. No, thank you. All right. All right. Very good. Roop. Hey. What are you plugging here?

Well, I got nothing to plug for myself, but there's a podcast I listen to that I like very much called Screw It. We're just going to talk about the Beatles and I recommend it. Oh, a lot of recent Beatles activity. What, with the White Album reissue? Oh, boy, yeah. There's a lot of news for a band that broke up in 1969. Paul McCartney reissues as well? Yeah. Wildlife. Yeah, albums that nobody cared about then and now we care about them.

Yeah. And he has a new album. Yeah. Boy, so a lot to talk about on that show, it seems. Yeah, yeah. A lot of new current stuff. Check it out. Great. Anything else? Is that it? I'll do Screw It. We're just going to talk about Spider-Man 2. If you're a middle-aged, sad, media-obsessed dude, check out those two podcasts. Walking through the supermarket? Yep.

That's all I got. Okay, great. Is that Let's Talk About Spider-Man 2 or Let's Talk About Spider-Man Also? Also, yeah. It's like as a second podcast. So it's not just about Spider-Man 2. Yeah, not just about Spider-Man 2, although it might be a more fun podcast. Have you guys seen that movie, Spider-Man 2? Spider-Man 2? Spider-Man? I've seen it, yeah. Spider-Man. Weird-a-boney? Well, I'd like to promote my YouTube channel, of course. What's it called again?

Why would I say that? We don't have time for the whole thing. Oh, that's too bad. I'd also like to promote this guy. Paul F. Tompkins has some shows coming up. Love him. Oh, that's nice to hear because I think he's very funny. You know, I'm a fan of the show. I wish he'd be on more and not just on the best ofs. Ha ha ha.

It proves my fandom. I enjoy that. He's got some shows coming up in this, the new year. Friday, January 25th, you can catch him at the Music Hall Theater in Detroit, Michigan. I hate to tell you, but that one has already passed. Oh, is that so? Well, you missed it. Let's talk about shows in the future. How about this?

This will be Sunday, February 2017. Does that go to be in the clear? I hope so. You don't know. Sunday, February 17th. You were very definitive and a little bit rude about one date that was gone. Well, I definitely know that that is in the past. Okay. I don't know whether this one is in the future or the past. I hope that it is. Well, then why don't I just say, fuck it.

What? What are you? What's the point? No, but talk about the February 17th. No, that's fine. That's fine. Really? That's fine? Yeah, that's fine. You're just plugging the idea of Paul F. Tompkins. Yes, please. He's out there as an entity. Check him out. Will he be near you? Go to paulftompkins.com slash live to find out. He may be right next to you. What if you, or what if this person. I'm sorry, I leaned on your cello. That's no problem. I was about to disassemble it anyway.

What if Paul F. Tompkins just broadcast his location at every point of the day? Like if you went to his website and there was a GPS and you could just find him. Like a little red pin on a map? Yeah, that would be fun. Oh, okay. Talk to him about it. That was a what if I was not prepared for and didn't know how to answer. Okay. I want to plug, I don't know, Threedom. I have a show with the previously aforementioned Threedom.

Paul F. Tompkins as well as Lauren Lapkus. That comes out on Thursdays. If you like this show, go check out that show. Why wouldn't you check out both? I think you should check out both, certainly. Well, time is finite, but sure. Okay. I enjoy that show very much, by the way. Yeah, well, thank you very much. I know time is finite because I'm dying at 51. Let's close up the old plug bag with the new plug bag theme. Close your eyes and open the bag. Close your eyes and open the bag.

Oh, boy. More false endings than Layla. And Lord of the Rings.

Return of the King. Guys, I want to thank you so much. It's so good to see you, John. It's so great to see you. Thank you so much. Please, anytime you're in town, give me a call. Would love to either know you're in town or have you on the show. I enjoy being in town and on the show. And Roop. Hey.

You know, really, I think you should be charging more, but you don't need it. So I like your style. Hey, thanks a lot, man. I love that positivity. You're almost doing stuff on pro bono in a way. Do you have any legal advice as well for people? Yeah. Don't break laws.

Good enough for me. That's a good umbrella legal advice. And then weirdamoneyalamoney Tony, always good to meet you. It's always good to meet you too, Scott. I fear this is our only time. I wouldn't be so sure. No, I'm going to meet you.

Oh, that's true. You may be on the show several times. You say that to everyone you meet, right? Yes. It's always good to meet you. I fear this is the only time we're going to meet. All right. We'll see you next time. Let's all go through that door like velociraptors. Here we go. I can't get this. I don't understand. I'm pushing up, but it does nothing. I know I got it before. I'm pulling just directly towards myself. Oh, I'm pushing. I think that's the problem. Ah, at the same time? Yes. That's bad. Okay. Three, two, one. Ow! Earlobe!