Bonus Bang: Kristen Schaal, Pam Murphy, Neil Campbell (Teenage Dirtbag)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bang's, of course, where we re-release classic, favorite, and infamous episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And this week, we are pleased to announce that we are kicking off a new Bonus Bang series in honor of Comedy Bang Bang's sweet 16th birthday. We're kicking off a series called Teenage Dirtbag.

where we feature some of the best teen characters that we've ever had on the show. And to start off, we have an oldie but a goodie, Rick Faber. Rick Faber, that's right. Rick, played by Neil Campbell, is a teen who feels badly for some reason. We'll find out during the episode.

This week's episode is 193, originally released on January 10th, 2013. It's called What Else? What Else?

I'm joined by co-host Nancy Cooper, played by Pamela Murphy. Also joined by Kristen Schaal, who people would know from Bob's Burgers, of course, as well as the aforementioned Rick Faber, played by Neil Campbell. It's a very silly episode, and Rick still continues to drop in occasionally, as recently as our 2024 tour started.

And speaking of the tour and of these bonus bangs, if you like what you hear and you want to hear more, you should become a subscriber at CBB World. We have all of our live shows, all of our past episodes, ad-free episodes, the 2024 Phoenix, Arizona episode that Rick Faber most recently appeared in, as well as the entire archive of everything, plus other shows like Scott Hasn't Seen, CBB Presents,

where characters from the show host their own shows. Check it out. We're going to be back on Monday with a new episode, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang. Comedy, bang, bang.

Topped with a dollop of creme fraiche, a soussant of lemon zest, and a whole buttload of yummy, yummy. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Wow, what a catchphrase. Longarama, thank you so much for that. What a catchphrase.

Oh, there's more on this one. They're killing us with points from the paint. Destroying us with points from the paint. Do something! I care about each of you. Oh, no, that's a separate catchphrase. Longarama... Oh, you snuck two in there.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. It is a, hey, it's a Thursday. What? What is happening? Why are we releasing an episode on the Thursday? Well, I forgot to tell you on Monday that I'm going to try to do a couple extra episodes a month of the show. You need the cash? Need the cash. Thanks. That's a guest who's coming up who said she clams up on podcasts, then immediately made aspirations about my level of poverty, my

But she'll be coming up in a second. Maybe you recognize the voice. Maybe you're like, oh, I know who that is. I know her from her foray into voice acting in Bob's Burgers. But we'll get to her. We'll get to her. But yeah, we're going to be doing a few Thursday episodes a month, maybe two, sometimes three a month. So this is our first. So enjoy those. Just some extra bonus episodes. So.

So yeah, enjoy those. And boy, what an episode we have today. Before we get to our main guest, I do want to welcome our co-host for the show. You heard her on the Dimitri Martin episode last December.

The end of the world did not occur. And she's a stand-up comedian from Lawrenceville, New Jersey, who the last time we saw her, she was trying to get a ride home from Dimitri, who grew up in New Jersey. And we don't know whether that happened or not. But I do want to welcome her. Nancy Cooper is with us. Hello, Nancy. Hi. So great to have you back on the show. Yeah. Thank you. What brings you to Los Angeles here?

Well, I wanted to come back, so I took the bus again. Okay, so you did go back to Lawrenceville. Did you get a ride? What happened? No, I had to take the bus. Took the bus all the way back to Lawrenceville. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. How long of a trip is that? Mm-hmm, it's five days to go back. Wow. And then it's five days to come back.

Yeah, so it's the exact same amount of time going there as it is to come back. Great. So that sounds like a 10-day round trip. Yeah, mm-hmm.

But when I was back, I did more stand-up. Oh, good. And now, for those of you who didn't hear last year's episode, you have been doing stand-up how many performances? Well, the last time I was here, I did it six times. And then since then, I've done it three more times. Total of nine times. Yeah. So now I've done it nine times, and the next time I do it will be 10, and the next time I do it will be 11, and the next time I do it will be 12. Mm-hmm.

And you do it exclusively where again? It's a Charlie Brown steakhouse. You know it, right? I mean, I've heard of Charlie Brown. Charles Schultz created him back in the 50s. Well, it's a steakhouse. Right.

And there's a room on the side, and Mr. Henry says I can do a stand-up now. Now, here's what I wanted to ask about that room on the side. Are there people in that room on the side, like, eating, or do they have to congregate in order to see the show? I think that they're waiting for a table. Okay, so it's more of a lounge area. Is there a bar? No. Oh, wow. I would hate to hang out in a tiny room with no bar waiting for a table. Yeah, there's just...

And then I do my, I tell jokes. Uh-huh. Is it by the main entrance? Do people walk in? It's by the bathroom. Okay. I mean, that's not mutually exclusive. It can be by both the main entrance and the bathroom. Yeah. Uh-huh. It's by the, but when you walk in, then you have to walk to the left and then there's the bathroom and then there's the room. Okay. So anyone going out there in Lawrenceville, New Jersey who wants to see Nancy stand up, you walk in?

You walk to the left, and then you walk to the left again, and there's that room. And there's a good chance you'll be doing it. How often do you do that? I mean, you've done it three times in the last month, it sounds like. So once every nine days? Yeah. Is there a particular night that you do it on? No. And sometimes I do it at four, and sometimes I do it at seven. Comedy is more of a night thing, if Arsenio taught us anything. I got a new cat, too.

Oh, unrelated or is that related to your comedy career? No. Tell us about your cat. I just got a new one, so now I have 18. Oh, gosh. Yeah, and we heard a lot about your grandmother who has trouble getting out of the bath. She's still in the tub. She's in the tub, yeah. And then if you want to give me a ride home, then you can...

Help me get her. Get her out of the tub. Yeah, you had a lot of trouble getting her out of the tub, as I recall. You need a lot of help in that regard. Uh-huh. And a lot of washing machines on your front porch? Uh-huh, there's seven. Hey, did you ever notice how there's seven washing machines on my front porch? You know what I mean, you know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was one of your signature jokes that we talked about last time. Uh-huh, yeah. And then you know what else I learned? I learned something else. What's that?

After you tell a joke, you know, first you have to say... Have you ever noticed? Have you ever noticed or don't you hate it when? Yeah. And then after you say your joke, then you say, you know what I mean, you know what I'm talking about. Right. But then before you can say another joke, you have to say what else, what else, what else, what else. What else, what else, what else, what else. What else, what else, what else, what else. Okay. Have you ever... Now, we talked about putting them all together last time. Don't you hate it when... No, have you ever noticed you hate it when...

Fill in the blank. You guys know what I mean. What else? What else? What else? What else? Okay. So, boy, the evolution of the craft. Yeah. Like, did you ever notice, don't you hate it when you have to sleep on the couch because your room is filled with National Geographic magazines? You know what I mean. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean. What else? What else? What else? What else? Great. Great.

That's really good. That's some A material there. Uh-huh. Because it's true. Yeah. Well, comedy comes from truth. Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly. Because there's National Geographic stacked up in what was my bedroom. Yeah. But, you know, that's relatable because we all know if even if we don't have, you know, National Geographic's in our own room, we have them in some room. Uh-huh. You know, so it's relatable to everyone. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there's some AARP magazines, too. All right. And those must be your grandmother's, I'm guessing. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, I mean, if you haven't heard of Nancy before, I think that gives you a pretty good sort of frame of reference of what her life is like. And we'll talk a little bit. You know, we didn't talk last time about the wheelchair that you're in. We'll talk about that a little bit later.

after we talk to our next guest here a little bit. But our next guest is a stand-up comedian and a very acclaimed one at that. And so, so Nancy, I bet you have a lot of questions for her. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And we'll get to those after we introduce her. But I, you heard her voice before talking about how poor I am. I did not talk about that. I,

I asked a question. Is it because you need the money or do you just love podcasting? No, you said you need the money. Oh, whoops. But how much money do you make on these podcasts? On these podcasts? Yeah. It's any, I mean, you know, a lot of times people don't want to talk about how much money they make. But I'll tell you exactly. It's a new year. I'll tell you exactly. I make about $423,000 a year on the podcast. About $423,000, $424,000. Oh my God. Yeah.

It's not a bad living. I need to start a podcast. It's not Hollywood good, but, you know, I mean, there's probably, I don't know what people make outside of Hollywood. I would imagine, what, do people make $300,000 a year or something like that outside of Hollywood? I don't know. The standard of living out here is a little different. But, I mean, how much money do you make on Bob's Burgers? We'll say your name in a second. Like $2,000. $2,000? Yeah. An episode or a minute? A laugh? It's like a month.

A month? Yeah. You have to get into podcasting. I gotta get in. What am I doing? What are you doing? I'm giving it away for free. I know. But hey, let's talk about some of your credits. Bob's Burgers. We talked about that. Yeah. You play... What character do you play? Louise. Louise! Vulture. Uh...

wife to the titular Bob. No, she's the daughter. Oh, you're the daughter. That's right. It's okay. That's right. You've never seen this show. No, of course I have. It's amazing. What's his name? John plays... Yeah, John Roberts. Yeah. And you also were on Flight of the Conchords. People remember you from that. You're in a lot of movies. Meet the Crumps. No, the Schmucks. Oh, Meet the Crumps. Yes, I played all the Crumps. Right, of course. Kristen Schaal is here. Welcome to the show. First time

Yeah. On the show. Thanks for coming. Well, thanks for inviting me finally. You were on one of our live Chicago shows back in the day. Oh, yeah. That's right. But you were in a bit of a hurry as I recall. I had to go do another show. Yeah. But you're nice enough to come and do about 10 minutes. Well, yeah. I mean, getting invited to do a Scott Ackerman podcast is a huge honor. Sure. You have to earn it. I spread the wealth around. That's the other thing. Really? I make that $423, $424.

But I, you know, I share it with all of you. So all my guests. Yeah. So you're going to walk out with a little walking around money. Thank you so much. No, it's my pleasure. Of course. I'm so hungry. You're hungry. Sure. What's going on? I just I haven't had the change to make it over to the Red Lobster in a long time.

What about a Charlie Brown steakhouse? See, I'm bringing it back around here to Nancy. You should. Are you going to give me money too? Well, you're just the co-host. You're not a guest. Oh, okay. Yeah, unfortunately. Do you know what pennies are? Yeah. Because I collect them.

Oh. You have a coin collection, do you mean? Well, I collect pennies, and then I put them in wrappers, and then I take them to the bank, and then they give me money for them, and you have to put 50 pennies in each wrapper. Right. And what do they give back to you for that? If you give them two wrappers full of pennies, that's 50 cents each. They give you a dollar back. A paper dollar? A paper dollar bill. Mm-hmm.

You know, you should really look for it. There is a penny, the 1943 penny. If you find it, it's worth $10,000 right now. I think there's a 19...

27S or something like that that's the most rare penny in the world. Yeah. Yeah. I probably had a bunch of them. You probably gave them away. You really need to look at those dates. Yeah. Okay. That might take a little more time. I'd say maybe four times as long to check the date. It does. Just check the date.

Yeah, yeah. Sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands. I am worried about your grandma. Is anyone else worried about her? I mean, she's cool. Yeah, we heard a lot about her. She's fine. She's still in that tub? Everything good? She just likes to soak. Yeah, and she's like, hey, don't you hate it when your grandma's like, hey, Nancy, stop rummaging through the closets.

You know what I mean. What else? You're good at it. You're good at it. I'm learning from you, actually. How long is your set? Do you have a tight five? It could be like five minutes or it could be like 10 minutes or sometimes it's 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Wow. Do you just get off on a roll? Do you like do crowd work? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. I just, you know, because it's all stuff.

You know, from real life, you know. So your crowd work is from real life. And then I say, hey, did you ever notice that there's a man sitting next to a woman in a chair?

So your crowd work is a little more like observational comedy about the people in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do they take that? How do they? Yeah, then I say, yeah, and then I go, you know what I mean, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah. People enjoy your act? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm good at it.

I'm good at it. I bet you are. Why didn't you give me that look? I'm good at it. Yeah, I bet you are good at it. Speaking of good at it, you're good at it, Kristen, because you have a special coming up, a Comedy Central one-hour special. No. It's coming out this next week, right? No. No. No, I read about it. I read online. Well, they made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. They made a mistake, so it's not coming out.

It's not coming out now? Because I read a big press release where Comedy Central talked about everything that was coming out. Yeah. And you have the Nick Kroll show, which comes out next week. Yeah, good for him. We'll talk about that next week. Yeah. But your show is not coming out? It's a big special on next week. Yeah, I asked them to not release it because it didn't go the way I planned. So it's definitely not coming out January 18th if it comes out at all. I'll be surprised.

I'm sorry. That's okay. I don't mean to bring it up. Yeah, I wish. I was just reading the latest press release. They didn't put out a press release correcting that press release. Well, I guarantee you it's not coming out January 18th. Okay. So. Sorry. And those people that came to San Francisco and saw the show, they will know why. When did you tape it? A while ago. So anyways, what else shall we talk about?

Oh, sorry. Okay. Well, but you are a stand-up comedian. I was. You probably have some advice for Nancy here. I would say just keep going. Never stop. Just get in that spotlight. Another good thing to do is, do you have a microphone at all? Mm-hmm. Because it's good to play with a microphone different distances. You can hold the mic really close. You have a mic in front of you. You don't have to mime it. Okay.

Kristen is talking into a microphone and then miming a microphone going back and forth. You can just use the one right in front of you. So Nancy, you're just like, da-da-da-da, and then you go, don't take it out of here. This is an Ars Barker move that you can just practice with. You're talking like this, and then Ars Barker sometimes will drop the mic to his side and he'll yell,

And it's really effective. Yeah. Okay. And there's also you can do the Hannibal Buress move, which is kind of like, he's talking into a truck here. Yeah. She just put the mic, sort of like Liam Gallagher in Oasis. Yes. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah. A lot of comedians don't do that. The other thing comedians do is they get really close. They get really close. They get really close. They put their hand over the top. You know, and they're just like. That's sort of an emphasize. Yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty good, Nancy. It's pretty good. I think I did it good. You know, if you want to come to Charlie Brown's, I can talk to Mr. Henry for you and you can come up. You can come up and perform there if you want. I can talk to him. Oh, that sounds like a delight. You used to live in New York, so not too far. No. Well, I've never heard of this Charlie Brown's steakhouse. It's on Route 9 in Lawrenceville. Okay. Okay.

All right. That tells you everything you need to know. When are you getting back there? Aren't you here now, though? Yeah, I'm here now, so then it's going to take me five days to get back on the bus. You know, someone on the bus said that I looked 53. You smiled. I'm only 22. Yeah, you smiled when you said that, like it was a good thing. Uh-huh, because the older you look, the cheaper the bus is.

We talked about that last time. I don't think the bus lowers its rate for 53-year-olds. I think it's like 65 and above, but you're hoping to get there soon. Because last time someone said they thought I was 49. How old do you think I am? 22. Yeah, you just said it. But I look 53. Yeah. Yeah.

You could do that and do a joke right there. Did you ever notice that I look 53? You know what I mean. You know what I mean. You know what I'm talking about. What else? What else? What else? What else?

Not bad. Any critique, Kristen? I just think she needs to put like a... I don't know. You just need to surprise them a little bit. It's like, did you ever notice? Fact. And then you need to put a twist on the end. What would you do with that kind of joke structure? So someone says to you, hey, you look 53, Kristen. And you sit there and you mull it over. Well, my taste, I would probably...

Did you ever notice that I look 53? Well, my pussy will tell you different. And then I would whip out the labias and be like, look at the rings around my labias. And we would like count them. Everyone in the audience. Know what I mean? What else? What else? Yeah. Especially in Lawrenceville, because they're looking for that kind of performance. I'm sure Karen Finley came there a couple times, you know, covered herself in honey and screamed.

So they would be like aching for it. I don't know that I'd be expecting that if I'm sitting in the tiny room. Oh, okay. There's your point. There's your point. That's comedy. What would Mr. Henry think about that, do you think? He would probably be like, Nancy, you can go ahead up and go on stage again if you want.

That's his normal critique of your act? Mm-hmm. Is that the extent of what Mr. Henry has said to you? How did you get to know Mr. Henry? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, how did you get to know Mr. Henry is my question. Oh, well, they were getting rid of all their old knives and forks and spoons. Okay. At the...

Charlie Brown Steakhouse because I guess they're getting new ones. Right. And so my grandma said, She heard about this in the newspaper or on the news or something like this? Mm-hmm. She was out of the tub at this moment. No, she was still in the tub. Okay.

So she was like, Nancy, go down and get them. And so then I went down and I said, hi, can I have... Did you ever notice that I went to Charlie Brown's Steakhouse? You said this to Mr. Henry? Mm-hmm. Okay. And what did he say back to you? And he said, are you here to get the knives and forks and spoons? And I said...

Mm-hmm. And then he said, you know, if you ever want a job, you know, and I said, okay, I could be a stand-up comedian. And then that's how it happened. Was that the job he was talking about or did he have something else in mind? I don't know because they have dishwashers and they have a busser. Does he pay you to do this? Mm-mm. Okay. Mm-mm. I want to know how much silverware you have now. We have...

five drawers full of utensils in our kitchen. Yeah, that's a lot of... Do you have a lot of company? It sounds like you can't even get anyone to get Grandma the tub. Why do you need so much silverware? No, it's to have it. We have ten jars full of buttons.

If I were in your house, and I, God, I hope I am someday, I would probably take all the buttons and I would glue them to all the knives, and then I would spell out letters or something and make banners around the house. Or you could make snowflake stars with the buttons and the knives and hang them up around real kitschy. You should come over to my house. You should come. How do you think your grandmother would feel about that kind of behavior in her house with all her buttons and all of her silverware? No, you can't touch it.

But, you know, she's in the tub. She can't stop her. The one thing that you can do is you can go in the basement. Like, the shirt's from the basement. Oh, that's, I mean, yeah, that's, I don't quite know what to say about that shirt. It's from the basement. Yeah, it looks like a basement shirt. If I had to describe a basement shirt, I would say that's. Yeah, absolutely. Where was it in the basement? Oh, there was an old trunk.

And then I move that trunk. Did you ever notice there's an old trunk? And then you have to move that trunk. And then under the trunk is a bucket. Wait, under the trunk is a bucket? Was it bouncing? The trunk was bouncing on the bucket? The trunk was bouncing on the bucket. And the shirt was inside that bucket? The shirt was inside the bucket with the sponge. What were you doing moving the trunk in the first place, Nancy? I don't know.

I opened the trunk, and then it fell. Oh, it fell off the bucket. So the shirt you're wearing actually was more used as a rag to clean cars, I'm assuming, or clean the basement walls? You can go in the basement, and she doesn't say anything about the basement stuff. Okay, but she's a taskmaster when it comes to everything up on the—how many floors is the house?

Three. Three-floor house? Wow. Yeah, the wheelchair? Do you want to talk about the wheelchair? Yeah, what happened there? How do you get to your basement? I don't need this wheelchair. It's just for fun. Oh. Okay. So you have no impairment? It was my grandma's...

Okay, it was your grandma's chair. She no longer needs it because she's in the tub. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So you think it's fun, so you're out there scooting around in it. Mm-hmm, and people think that I'm 53 because of it, I think. Oh, that's why. Mm-hmm. And you take it on the bus with you. Uh-huh. Okay. And you get extra special. Yeah. Extra special stuff. Like what? Because then they stop and then it goes, bleh, bleh.

That is special. Uh-huh. And then you go on. So extra special noises. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. The perks. Hey, the perks. Uh-huh. Some free noises. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever get recognized? Because I get recognized all the time.

Oh, wow. By who? Well, this lady, Donna, she works at the Wawa. And she was like, hey, aren't you Nancy Cooper? And I was like, uh-huh. And then she's like, you live in the Red House? And I was like, yeah. And then she's like, you have the old Buick Skylark in your front yard? And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, hey, did you ever notice how there's an old Buick Skylark in our front yard? And she said, yeah. She said, yeah, I just told you. And I said, what else, what else?

And she said, did you ever want to sell it? Then I'd have to get a new cat house. Well, that's pretty funny. That's like the clip. That's it. Hey, that's not bad. That's a good joke. Yeah, that's actually. That was a joke. I know you're not trying right now. Yeah, that's when it happens. Yeah. You're just recounting a story. You didn't expect that to be funny at all. Here, I can do it. I'll do it right now. Yeah, do it. Translate it. Okay. Okay.

Did you ever notice Don't You Hate It when there's a Buick Scarlet in your front yard? You know what I mean. You know what I'm talking about. What else? What else? What else? What else? Yeah, I don't know. And then someone wants to sell it. Someone wants to buy it. And you're like, great, I'll have to get a new cat house. And then you're like, hey, if you want to find me, follow the trail of silverware back to ShopRite. See? I don't know.

I think you guys could work together. I would love to train you. I would love to be your master. I don't know about master. I mean, you know, maybe she could be your apprentice. Yeah, apprentice to the master. Okay, but you're kind of implying that she's going to be your slave. Well, I think that's where it has to start. I don't know, Chrissy. What? She's got a long way to go. She's faking it in a wheelchair.

in a wheelchair. Well, how do you see this relationship going then? Do you see Nancy coming out here to L.A. and hanging out with you? Oh my God. Nancy, I would just like to officially invite you to come live with me in my place. Live with me. We'll wake up every morning together. We'll do some exercises. Sleep in the same bed or just at the same time? No, you can sleep on the couch. Okay. Okay.

I know that's probably really fancy for you. Well, she's on a couch where she is. Oh, okay. Okay. And then we'll get up, and all we'll do is study comedy all day long, and then we'll go, and you can watch me do shows at night. You can't do the shows. You can watch me do the shows. Is she doing chores during the day as well, or while you study comedy? I mean, yeah. A little bit. Yeah. And then can you cook?

Um, yeah, I like to make, do you know what Cheez Whiz is? Yeah. And do you know what Bugles are? Yeah. And then I like to put Cheez Whiz in the Bugles and that's how you make that. That sounds great. And then I make that all the time. And then, you know what else I make? I also make pudding.

Oh, really? From scratch? It comes in a cup. Oh, you buy it at the store? Then you have to rip the top off. Did you ever notice that when you buy pudding, you have to rip the top off? Yeah. And you know what I mean, and you know what I'm talking about, and you know what I mean. They're right there. What else? What else? What else? Yes! Oh!

You guys. This is going to be amazing. What a partnership. This could be a duo act. This is like when Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis got together. You know what I mean? Like just two shining stars on their own, but then when they got together, it was magic. Or like heart to heart. Exactly. Like heart to heart. You know what I mean? Like what that guy said about them. Like Lawrence and Olivier. Yeah.

I mean, it's dead light. Yeah, exactly. Well, when Mr. and Mrs. Olivier decide to call their baby Lawrence, boom! There was a partnership right there. First name, last name. Guys, we got it. But I'm going to have to take the bus back to Lawrenceville. Why go back? Because I have to perform at the Charlie Brown Steakhouse. No, no, no. Those days are done. Those days are done. Yeah. You're with Kristen now. You're staying with me. Yeah, you better call Mr. Henry. Okay. Call your grandma. Okay.

Okay. I mean, I see an album, cutting an album with Nancy on Sub Pop in two months. Two months? Oh my God. That's going to be amazing. I mean, it's going to be like 24 hours seven working on this. Okay. Well, tell you what, we need to take a break here. And when we come back, we'll have more Christian Schaal, more Nancy Cooper, and we have another special guest coming up. So we'll be right back with a little Comedy Bang Bang after this. Is this live? Yes.

Warmer days, flowy dresses, and an ice-cold bright Dunkin' Refresher in hand, you're more than ready to take on the day.

And

Ha ha ha!

Staying Alive with John Gaberson and Adam Pally is out right now. Get them a week early and ad-free with SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Kristen Schaal is here. She's putting on her headphones. Well, I guess you call the shots. Yeah, I decide when we come back. I mean, it's pretty much after the commercial. Okay. Yeah. So welcome back. Thank you. Thanks for being on the show. Oh my God. Thanks for having me. It's a new year. A lot of exciting things happening to you. Tell us a little bit about Bob's Burgers. Bob's Burgers is a show on Fox.

It's an animated show. Cool, thanks. Anyway, so we also have Nancy Cooper here, and she's a stand-up comedian. And we have a new guest here, first time on the show. And I don't really know that much information about you. You're a teenager. Yeah. And Rick Faber is here. Hello, Rick. Hey, what's up? Hey. Hey.

How are you? Thanks for coming to the show. Coming on the show, coming to the show. Yeah, whatever. I'm actually, I'm terrible because life sucks. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, it doesn't suck for me. It just sucks, meaning that there's so many... I mean, it sucks for adults who have to deal with our teenage, me and my teenage buddies, who have to deal with our irresponsible behavior.

Wait, it sucks for adults who have to deal with you and your buddies' irresponsible behavior? I feel so bad for all these adults who have to deal with us teenagers. Oh, okay. Hmm. Like the other day, we were at...

City walk watching Django Unchained and there were these adults and they clearly just wanted to enjoy the movie and me and my friends we were sitting there talking and texting and laughing and we just ruined their whole experience and I feel awful about that so sorry so sorry to hear that um

That's terrible. Well, welcome to the show. It's great to have you. You seem sullen. You seem a little upset, but it's all because you feel bad for parents, I guess. Kristen, what do you think about this? A teenage boy on the show. Oh, I'm terrified. Yeah. I'm scared of teenagers. I don't blame you. We've earned this reputation. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Describe your clothes because they're outlandish to me, an adult. Well, I've got baggy purple shorts on. Ugh. And skate shoes. Ugh, boy. Those are unlike shoes that I wear in my normal life. They seem to be apropos for skating or something. And a Metallica t-shirt that has a knife coming out of a toilet. Ugh, God, two things that I cannot stand, violence and potty humor. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you get them from the basement? No. My mom bought them for me, and I wasn't even grateful. Oh, man. I'm the worst. All of us teenagers are, and we feel terrible about it. Why do you keep doing it? Because our brains aren't developed enough yet.

I see. It's youth. It's just a part of youth. We saw this guy the other day, me and my buddies. This guy who's probably about early 30s, blonde hair, looked like a totally normal, cool guy. Very cool, I'd probably even say. And he saw his friends across the street, so he started skipping across the crosswalk. He wasn't doing it

He was doing it to get a laugh. He was doing it to make his friends laugh. To make his buddies laugh. But we still poked our heads out of the car and yelled at him and made fun of him and called him a little prissy. What were we even thinking? He was clearly a cool guy trying to just make his friends laugh. It's like we don't even get irony. Boy, yeah. That's rough. It's a rough life. Yeah.

To be that self-aware. It's the worst. We teenagers are aware that we are the worst. Yeah. And we feel awful about it. Do you really? I've never, to be quite frank, I've never met a teenager who's felt awful about the way they... No, we realized recently we should feel awful, so now we all do. Oh, wow. That you're not going to change. Probably not. Would that I could...

But I can't. Why not? Why can't you change? Anyone can change. Because we, it's a herd mentality. Me and my friends get together and we just, we can't, it's like we can't even think for ourselves. It's like we don't have a brain of our own. We just kind of do what we think makes us look cool, even though we know it's lame to do. Do you look cool, do you think?

No, obviously not. Yeah, I mean, look at your outfit. I mean, how are you supposed to really, you know, be a productive member of society wearing that? I know. Do you think I could go into a job interview looking like this? No way. And yet you do it anyway. Have you ever gone into a job interview looking like that? Yeah. And I got the job, but it was at a skate shop. Oh, okay. Okay.

How long have you worked there? I've worked there about eight months. Yeah? Yeah. You like the job? Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah? Are you a good employee? Well, yeah. Kids come in. They want to learn how to ollie. I teach them. Or I give them the, you know, I sell them a book, How to Ollie. There's a whole book on just how to ollie? Just how to ollie, yeah. It's a series. Oh, it's a series? Is this like the Harry Potter series? Yeah.

I mean, in that it's a series of books, yes. What's so complicated about ollieing? Weight balance. Balancing your weight. Mmm.

Do you skate yourself? Oh, yeah. Okay. Kickflips, ollies. What's the difference between a kickflip and an ollie? Kickflip, you flip the board around as you're going up. Ollie, just you're hopping up. You're hopping a curb. Oh, an ollie is a curb hop? Basically. I mean, you don't have to do it over a curb. You could do it over an obstacle in your way as you're going down the sidewalk. Maybe a little frog? If there was a frog in the sidewalk, yeah. You probably wouldn't want to hit the frog.

You know what? I probably wouldn't care. And I probably would hit the frog. Because I don't even have any respect for anything but myself. Not even nature? No. Or nurture. Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend? No. And if I knew someone who was gay, I'd probably make fun of him for that. That's how short-minded I am. Oh my goodness. That's a term.

That's a term, yeah. I've heard of narrow-minded, but short-minded. I don't, yeah. Maybe if I paid more attention in school, the school that my parents pay so much for me to go to. Oh, you got a private school? Mm-hmm. Ugh.

Wow, and you don't even pay attention. They're spending all that money. No, yeah. They send me to Besant Hill School in Ojai, and they're paying a ton of money, and I don't even pay attention. Wow, I know someone whose uncle works there, or worked there. Yeah, worked there. What? What?

Wow. You want to know something else terrible I did? Sure. Hit us. Okay. We were at Moonlight Roller Rink the other day. Okay. In Glendale? In Glendale. Okay. And we were roller skating around, and we saw this guy there.

Also blonde hair, early 30s. Same guy or no? I mean, I never thought about it. It possibly could have been. Wow, he may be wandering around wondering why he's being tormented by this specific group of teenagers. What's amazing is that you can peg him for early 30s because when I was a teenager, everyone was just old. No, he definitely looks like he's 32 verging on 33. 32 or 33 and he has blonde hair. Blonde hair. I mean, if I were to guess a name...

Noel Clamp Bull? Okay. I don't know. I don't know anyone by the name of Noel Clamp Bull, but I know people who have names like that. Yeah, that first name, that last name, both very common. So we saw this guy, and he had brought...

rollerblades to the rink instead of renting the roller skates like we did. Sure, so his own pair. His own pair of rollerblades. No one else there had rollerblades. Everyone else had roller skates. So obviously he's cool. He thinks for himself. He's doing a really cool thing by wearing rollerblades at the roller rink. Sure, he's an experienced skater. Yeah, and he's independent-minded. He doesn't have to follow the crowd like us lame teenagers do. He just can do his own thing. Yet...

We still made fun of him. And we started making fun of him, and we go, hey, nice rollerblades, you weirdo. Whoa.

Whoa! Yeah, you FOTW? And he was like, huh? And then we were like, freak of the week? And he was like, oh, man. And so, but then, get this, he had the perfect comeback that really put us in our place. Oh, okay, good. So we were like, nice rollerblades. And he was like, well, actually, rollerblade is a brand name. These are technically inline skates, and the brand is K2.

I mean, perfect, right? Totally nailed us. That guy, wow. Yeah, nailed us. To have the presence of mind to come back like that. No clap bolt is back on top. No, but we didn't even give him his due for that awesome comeback. Oh, you didn't? You have to. We were just like, whatever, loser. What? F-O-T-W. Oh, we were the worst.

I can't believe we made fun of that super cool guy who was wearing rollerblades and may have also been the guy who was skipping across the street at one point and I think was awesome at Django Unchained at City Walk when we were talking. Oh, man. That poor awesome man.

We're the worst. Yeah. Well, you know. I guess if you see him again. Yeah. What would you do if you saw that guy again? Probably ask for his autograph. And you know people who are teenagers roughly...

13 to 17 years ago had it way harder than we do. Yeah. Ugh. Are you sure? Because I'm wondering if that's true because, you know, you got your bullying at school and then we used to come home and we were free of it. Like maybe our brother was a dick or whatever. Wait, bullying at school? Is that what you said? Bullying. Oh, bullying. Sorry. Because I took a bowling class when I was in school. So I was wondering why you would bring this up. Bullying.

Oh, okay. But then we'd go home and we'd be pretty much free of it. But now you go home and you got cyberbullying. Yeah. And cyberbullying. That's the other thing. Is that... Oh, yeah. On the Wii? On the Wii. On the Wii, yeah. Oh, man. So anyway...

So it's just like, you know, now there's no escape. And then you have your nightmares. Yeah. Everyone has nightmares. Yeah. I think everyone since the cavemen had nightmares. I think night is about, sleeping is about having nightmares as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. What do you think cavemen nightmares were? Were they like...

Oh, no, I'm not naked in front of everyone. Anyway, we'll be right back. Oh, okay. No, no, no. No, we're not going to break on that. I'm so dumb. I thought we really were. Yeah, me too, because you're calling random shots over here. You know, you're throwing in new podcasts. We will be right back. Tell you what, let's take one more break. When we come back, we'll be right back with Nancy Cooper, right back with Rick Faber and Christian Schaal. Comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back with Kristen Schaal, our star of stage and screen, is here. Thank you so much for that. I really needed to hear that in 2013. You're starting your own stand-up show in Los Angeles, correct? Oh yeah, Monday nights. Or incorrect? Correct. At the Virgil, Monday nights at 8, Kurt Brownohler and myself will be doing Hot Tub.

This is January 10, of course, but when does that start? Well, it started in the past. It started already? What? It starts on the 7th. Yeah, January 7th. So it started on Monday, and how much money does it cost to get into this show? Oh! I'm going to decide when you tell me. No, I think it's like $5 online and $7 at the door. What do you think of that, Rick? Sure.

I don't even budget. Like, my dad tried to teach me how to do. So if I had it in my pocket, I would just spend it. I'd go to that show and just spend $5 without even thinking. Well, you couldn't get in, so it's 21 and over instead of bars. I'd probably use a fake ID. Ugh. Come on, Rick. Not thinking about how that could get the bar owners in trouble. Yeah, not thinking about who died to get that fake ID into your hands. Right, probably it's someone in Afghanistan. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I could go because I'm 22. Well, you are going because you're living with me and you go everywhere I go now. Okay, and then I'm going to go up and I'm going to go up. No, you're not going up. Okay, because I'm going to go up. You're not ready. Rick, how old do you think I look? How old do I think you look? Um...

Well, she's an adult, so that could be... Right. She just said she's 22. Yeah, she did. But being a rude teenager, rather than saying a younger age, I'm going to say...

62. Yeah. Three away. I'm so terrible. That's good. Huh? Uh-huh. So now somebody said I look 62. I'm only 22. Wow, you're getting up there pretty soon. What's the difference in bus fare? I don't know. I think it goes like a quarter for 10 years or something. I don't know.

I think it's a quarter for every 10 years. Quarter for every 10 years old you are? I think so. I don't know. What a weird bus out there in Lawrenceville. Take a look at your...

Your ID and then for every 10 years you are old, they ask for a quarter. You have to do a quarter. You have to do a quarter. And then that's 25 pennies. So right now it seems to me like your bus fare is 50 cents. And if you got up to 65, it would be somewhere around $1.50. So I'm not sure why you're so intent on looking older. Yeah.

No, it goes the other way. I think it's a quarter for each less than 100 you are. Okay, a quarter for each... For each less than 100. A quarter for each decade under 100 you are. Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it. So right now at 22...

You are a $2 fare. Yeah. At 62, she would be a... A $4 fare. No, a $1 fare. Yeah, I think that's right. Okay, great. I didn't even have to go to college. I tell you what, Nancy, it doesn't matter because when I'm done with you and the training program I've been listing you with, the intense 24-hour live-in training program, you're going to be the number one comic in the United States. You're going to have people driving your ass around. You know what I'm saying? You're going to be better, bigger...

Bigger, better, and more popular than Chris Rock. You know what you could do if you don't like paying the fare? This is what I do. I just sketch. I get on my board, and you grab the bumper of the vehicle. Oh, come on. That's so dangerous. And I don't even wear a helmet. What? I know. Even though my mom made me promise I would, and I lied to her. What would happen if you died? How would your mom feel? Terrible. And it's like, I didn't even consider that. Oh, man.

But you have a wheelchair, so you could do the same thing. You could just sketch on the back of the bus, just grab on, and just let it pull you through traffic. Yeah, then I wouldn't even have to pay. Yeah. And then I don't have to wear a helmet in my wheelchair. Why? Nobody does. I don't have to wear one. Nobody does. I guess not. I don't have to wear one at all. There should be some laws about wearing a helmet in a wheelchair. Well, if you're sketching, yes. If you're sketching, definitely. If you're just getting through life, I don't think. I think you should. Wow. Wow.

And even if I had a helmet, my mom bought me a nice helmet. You know what I did? I covered it with stickers from all the punk bands I like. Oh, come on, Rick. Yeah. Come on, man. A nice, pristine helmet, and it's now covered with all my punk stickers. Was it a pretty color? Yeah. What color? Ever heard of blue?

Okay, watch it with the attitude. Sorry, I'm sorry. Gosh. Just so full of it all the time. Full of contempt. There's a lot of hormones coursing through your body that you're not sure what to do with. Yeah, but that's not even a good excuse. I should still know better.

Hey, you don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you say? No, no. No? And Nancy, you're unattached, right? Mm-hmm, yeah. I don't know if I'm going to get married, though, because I'm so busy with my career. Oh, yeah.

Look, you probably are beautiful on the inside, but I wouldn't date someone with a disability because then all my friends would make fun of me. That's shallow. It is shallow. I'm shallow. Would your friends make fun of you if someone who doesn't have a disability who rides a wheelchair for fun? Would they, huh? Never mind. All right, guys. It's time to play a little game here on the show. It's time to play a little something called Would You Rather. Oh. Would You Rather.

Yep, yep, yep, yep. It's time to play Would You Rather. And we all know how this is played. People send me Would You Rather scenarios to our Twitter, which is at CBBWYR, a.k.a. Comedy Bang Bang Would You Rather. Send them over to me over there, and I sift through them. I find the good ones, and I will read out the scenario out loud. I'll then open the floor for questions.

You're free to ask me any question about either of the two scenarios that you like in order to help narrow down your choice. There's a lot of specifics in there that I know about that aren't included in the actual question. Once we're done asking questions, I'll close the floor. Kristen will stop yawning. Oh, God. And... That was... No, I had to... There...

I did not yawn. What's this now? You weren't yawning. I was stretching out my face muscles so that I could, because I noticed I wasn't articulating bullying very well. Oh, okay. So you just wanted to exercise those. So I was warming up my mouth. Sure. Okay. How do you feel now? Really good. Okay.

Really good. Sometimes you can move the microphone far away, and then sometimes you can have the microphone closer. That's really good, Nancy. What? You're a quick study, Nancy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wow. It only took you about a half hour to... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So then I'll close the floor for questions. You'll all vote, and then I'll tally up the points, and we'll decide a winner. Okay. And it's that simple. So our first and only scenario comes to us from...

Tootsays, tootsays, at T-U-T-S-A or tut says probably. He or she asks, would you rather fart the number of hours like a grandfather clock chimes on the hour? A cuckoo clock. Sure. Well, I guess a cuckoo comes out and says cuckoo for as many hours as there are. Okay. Or have a mustache that is a homosexual.

All right. Would you rather fart the number of hours like a grandfather clock chimes on the hour or have a mustache that is a homosexual? I'm opening the floor for questions. Oh, I got so many. Okay. Here we go. Well, I mean, how is the mustache a homosexual? It is a homosexual mustache. What does that entail? So you are a woman. Yeah. By all accounts. Sure. And by the evidence in front of me. Thank you. Your girlish figure. Thanks for seeing it. And...

So you would have a mustache that is attracted to women. Oh. Does that make sense? Well, it seems like it would be easier to get women with that mustache that loved women so much. Yeah, but you yourself in your real life as Kristen Schaal, you are not homosexual. Okay. But your mustache is and is attracted to women. Okay. And the most attractive thing is a woman's mustache. It goes crazy for that.

So you have a mustache that is constantly pulling you in all sorts of directions that you maybe perhaps don't want to be. And I can't shave it off at all? You can't shave it off, but it grows back within one hour. A little heavier. Oh. Yeah. Okay. And a little bit more gay. If that's possible. Yeah, exactly. Can I ask a question? Sure, Rick, of course. Yeah, you're so polite. Thank you so much for asking. I'm trying to remember the lessons my parents imparted on me. Okay. Okay.

Are the farts always a certain volume? Like, might they sometimes be silent? Yet deadly.

They are quite loud. They're about as loud as Big Ben. Have you ever been to England? No, and I'd probably just make fun of everyone's accent if I had. Well, they're really, really loud. People can hear them all throughout the town. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's more loud than a normal fart. Yeah, of course, yeah. Okay. You don't fart that loudly in your real life, you mean. I don't fart. You don't fart. No way, man. What are you talking about? Come on, Rick.

Come on, man. My friends are going to listen to this. Come on, Rick. Come on, man. You do everyone charts. No way. Come on, man. Rick, come on, man. Rick, come on. Yeah, maybe once. Rick. It was an accident. Rick.

Someone else ask a question. Jeez. All right. Yes, Nancy. And it rings like a cuckoo clock. And then does it go 1 when it's 1, 2 when it's 2, 3 when it's 3, 4 when it's 4, 5 when it's 5, 6 when it's 6, 7 when it's 7, 8 when it's 8, 9 when it's 9, 10 when it's 10, 11 when it's 11, 12 when it's 12.

Meaning the English words or the number of times? Number of times. Yes. It goes one, two times, one, two, three times. Keep going. And then it goes one, two, four times, and then it goes one, two, five times, and then it goes one, two, six times. I didn't even have to go to college. Yeah.

But yeah, in other words, yes, really, really loudly. It will fart the number of times that the hour is. And it's military time. That's the other thing. So it goes all the way up to 12 and then it goes 13, 14, 15. Yeah, all the way up to 24.

I'm going with the homosexual. Oh, classic would-you-rather blunder for 2013. Why? Voting early. Oh, my gosh. Wait, what, what, what? Christian Schaal getting points taken off the board. Wait, what? Boy, that is a classic. You'd never vote early. I've not closed the floor. I've not asked you what your vote is. That is the first would-you-rather blunder of 2013 if you're paying attention. And so that means you have negative 2013 points. Oh.

Not a good start, I have to say. Not a good start. Not a competitive start, certainly. No. But I've seen people come back from bigger deficits. Yeah. If your mustache is gay, can you still be straight? Sure, of course. It's just your mustache, is it like a magnet? If it sees a gay guy, it pulls you toward him? Yes, of course. Oh, okay. Because he wants to give the person a mustache ride. I see. Yeah. Does that help narrow down your choice? I just, sometimes I'm boarding and I don't want...

The worst thing when you're a skateboarder... Boarding an airplane? No, a skateboarder. Okay. The number one rule, we have a book about this at the shop. Number one rule when you're a skateboarder, don't carry a magnet. When you go by metal, it'll suddenly pull you in that direction. Like a mailbox or something like that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So as a skateboarder, you really don't want anything magnetized on you as you're skating. Yeah, yeah. I can imagine that. Yeah. Huh. That's a good rule. Yeah. How many books in the series are about that? Well, only one, but...

It's 1,016 pages. Wow. 140 of which are footnotes. Really? Yeah. Heavily researched book. Yeah, yeah. David Foster Wallace wrote it. Interesting. Okay, Nancy, any questions here? You can still ask questions, by the way, Kristen, even though you voted early. Well, how are you ever going to get back the points if you don't ask questions? Okay. When you're farting all those times. Mm-hmm.

Up to 24 times. Does it feel good, like a nice release?

It does feel good, yeah. Just like a regular fart feels really good. Okay. Yeah. And by the way, you do it on the half hour, too. But that's just a one single bong. So you're just farting all the time? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Every half hour, you fart at least once. Okay. From one to 24 times, you're farting. And it's audible? Oh, quite audible. Everyone in the city that you live in can hear it. And then in my case, it would be all Lawrenceville.

Can you buy a recording of it on audible.com? I imagine. Yeah, of course. They have everything there. I mean, they have books from authors like friend of the show Patton Oswalt with his book, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. You know, I don't know.

We're going to try to get into a little more integrated marketing, by the way, as the show does these extra episodes. I hope you manage it seamlessly. I hope so. By the way, Nancy, it's not Lawrenceville anymore. You're going to be here in L.A. Okay. I do have to go back, though, every once a week to do. Once a week? It takes five days to get back there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then five days, you can't do it once a week. Mm-hmm.

Okay. No, you can't. No, you can't. Yeah, so we're saying you can't. Okay. Mm-hmm. I'll do that. So you're not going to go back then? I'm going to go every once a week. No, no, no. We're saying you can't go once a week. Mm-hmm. Would a mustache make me look older? I imagine, yeah. On men, it makes them look older. How old do you think I'd look?

Well, I mean, you're 22. We've talked about this four times. This is the fourth time we've talked about this. Sorry. Sorry. But, you know, you're not going to have to worry about bus fare anymore because Kristen's going to be driving you everywhere. Yeah. Do you have a wheelchair rack? You are my meal ticket. Now we can just put it in my backseat. Okay, great. It folds up, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, good. You have a large backseat then, I would imagine. You're not driving a sports car? It's a normal backseat. No, I'm not. You're not in a Beretta? No. All right.

That's what I have from all the podcast money. I have a Buick Skylark. It's on my front lawn. Right, yeah. Your cat house. I guess I'll never see it again. No, you won't. Your cat's too. Your new cat? Gone. Your grandma? Grandma's gone. More of a wrinkled prune. Yeah. Say goodbye to your old life as you know it because when you're famous...

You're not going to have time to deal with a, you know what I mean. You're not going to have time to talk to your old wife and you're not going to want to. That's the great part about being famous, right? Yeah. Who's going to count all those pennies? You don't have to anymore. You're going to be rich. Well, what about all the clothes I can get out of the basement? We'll take you to Filene's basement, baby. Take you to Saks Fifth Avenue. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. A store? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. People wear clothes from stores. I only shop at Wawa. Wawa? Yeah. Do you know the Wawa? They sell pretzels two for one.

I don't know what Wawa is. No, I've never heard of that. It's a store. Yeah. It's like a store. All right. Any other questions here to help you narrow down any of your scenarios? Do you live in a community that's accepting of the farting or do people respond to it like when you really hear a fart? They respond to it like when you hear a fart. It's like a normal society. Every single time, by the way. They don't get used to it like Big Ben. They really let you have it.

Yeah. Okay. Good question. Any others? No? All right. I'm going to close the floor for questions. Here we go. And it's closed. No more questions, guys. So sorry. But we are going to vote. Why don't we go to Kristen here? Kristen, who really is in a deficit here and needs to be the comeback kid here with her vote.

How do you like to vote? At one point, you blurted out how you wanted to vote. Yeah. Have you changed your mind since then? No. No? You're still... Go ahead and vote. Yeah, I want to do a three-way with my mustache and my lover. Your mustache and your lover. Okay. And why is that? Why isn't that? That's a stupid... I thought we weren't having questions anymore. That's a good point. Okay. All right. We'll see how you fared on your vote, how many points you got soon. Okay.

Nancy, how do you like to vote? I want to do the farting. You do want to do the farting? Okay, and why is that? Because that's less times than I fart now, I think, because if you add them all up throughout the whole hour, and then I don't know how many times I fart in my sleep, and then that's a lot, and then I'll always know what time it is. Uh-huh, and you're doing these in your sleep. Let's add them up. How many farts is this? This is...

24 plus 23 plus 22 plus 21 plus 20 plus 19 plus 18. Then, of course, comes 17. And then 16 and then 15 and then 14 and then 13 and 12 and 11 and 10 and 9. Okay, okay. I didn't even have to go to college. I didn't even have to go.

All right. So you're looking at, plus you're doing them on the half hours, so plus 24. You're looking at over 300 farts a day. Mm-hmm. And you're fine with that? Mm-hmm. Okay. And they're super loud. They're the loudest thing. They're louder than fireworks. Mm-hmm. Okay, great. You probably wouldn't have to poop. Oh, no, you poop. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you poop on the quarter hours.

massive poops that take 15 minutes. Oh my god. Yeah. Sorry, you voted that way. Yeah, you're voting, or you're pooping 48 times a day for 15 minutes at a time. Alright, Rick, how do you like to vote? Well, I mean, as a skater, I would never get up skating.

Obviously, my motto is skate or die. Sure. Yeah, obviously. And number one rule of skating, can't be carrying anything magnetized. So I guess I'll go with farts. Maybe they'll even help with propulsion. Great. All right. Well, some interesting votes there. Let's see. So Kristen, you voted for the mustache. Yeah. And then Rick and Nancy, you both voted for the farting.

And Rick and Nancy, you both had – you asked great questions. So, Rick, you had three points that you accrued during the actual questioning. Nancy, you had one really great question, so you had seven points. Mm-hmm.

Nancy and Rick, you both voted incorrectly, however. Kristen, you voted correctly in that you had a total of 2,019 points, which puts you up at six points. Unfortunately, that lets you beat Rick, but Nancy, you're ahead with seven points. Nancy, you're our winner. Mm-mm.

Did you ever notice that I just won everything? Wow, that's like, wow. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's like spiking the ball when you're in the end zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock you two points for excessive taunting. Sorry. So, Kristen. Yes? You're now our winner because Nancy is only at five. So, you're at six points. So, Kristen. Woo!

You're the winner. Congratulations. Thank you very much. I don't want to do anything to upset this win. A gracious winner. See, Nancy, there's a lesson you could learn. I didn't know I didn't win anything before ever. That was the first thing I was going to ever win. Oh, really? I'm sorry. Now I know how Beck felt. Because he was a loser. Yeah. Although when he wrote that song, it actually was a huge hit. So he probably felt really good. Soy un perdedor. Right. And that is, of course, how we play Would You Rather. Would You Rather.

All right, guys. Boy, we have done it. There's only one thing left to do here on the show, and that is a little something that we call plugs. Ugly what? Oh, ugly doll.

I'm wearing an ugly doll watch. You can't whisper right into the mic. Nancy was asking about my watch. All right, let's listen to the plugsy. All right. My wife. That sounds bad.

Oh, that was Slow Jam the Plugs by Kneesage, I believe is how you would pronounce that. K-N-E-I-S-A-G-E. Thanks so much for that, Kneesage. And if you have a plugs theme that you would like to have heard on the show, go head on over to Earwolf.com. Find the comedy message boards, comedy bang-bang message boards, I should say. I mean, I guess they're all comedy message boards. We put out comedy podcasts at Earwolf.

And find the Comedy Bang Bang message boards posted in the appropriate thread. And thank you so much, Nisig. And guys, let's open up the old plug bag. What do you got to plug? First of all, Kristen, I had you on the show because I thought your special was coming up this week. Yeah, it's not. Sorry about that. And you don't want it to come out. No, I don't. Okay. But Bob's Burgers every Sunday? Yeah, yeah, Bob's Burgers. Anything else? Movies? Movies.

No, I got nothing. Nothing? I got nothing. Gravity Falls. What is that? It's another show for kids. For kids. Oh, okay. A kid's show. Rick, you ever see that? No. Why do you say it like that? I don't watch kid stuff.

Is it because you're afraid that we're infantilizing you by implying that we... I mean, it just wouldn't even occur to me. I try to watch adult stuff. Why is that? I guess it's just my taste. It's what I am drawn to. Rick...

What? Rick. Come on, man. My friends are going to listen to those. All right. I'm sorry. Okay. Rick, do you have anything that you'd like to plug? Yeah. Come on down to the skate shop. Where is that located? It's on Manchester Boulevard. Manchester Boulevard. Yeah. Where? In Ojai. In Ojai? Yeah. What's it called? Skaterama. Do you really work at a skate shop? No.

Come on! You don't work at a skate shop, do you? You know, I just... I'm so dumb, I lie to try to make myself sound cool. Where do you work? I don't have a job. You don't have a job? What do you do all day? I just... Well, I do skate. Okay, but you... I go around and I make fun of people with my friends. I'm the worst. Yeah. And I know it. Too bad. All right, Nancy...

What do you have to plug? Obviously, you know, a brand new life for you. Yeah, because I'm going to perform at Charlie Brown's once a week. No, actually, no, no, you're not doing that anymore.

I'm going to take the bus there. No, no, no, you're not. And then I'm going to check on my grandma. No, no, no, no. Make sure she's still in the tub. No, no, no. Oh, wait, you want her to remain in the tub? You can help me get her out. Wait, why? So, okay. But no, you're not doing that anymore, Nancy. You're in L.A. now. You're going to be a professional stand-up. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I'm going to have a TV show. Yeah. And then you can watch my TV show. Yeah, and for all of that to happen, you have to let all of your old life go. The 18 cats...

The Buick Skylark, your grandma on the tub. You're never going to see them again. And the buttons, too. The buttons, too. And the pennies. And the National Geos and the AARP magazines. All of that's gone, okay? You're going to be living with Kristen now, right, Kristen? That's right. Woody Allen said success is just 80% being there, Nancy. Oh, yeah, the Murphy Group. Okay.

Mm-hmm. So then I guess I'll be at Charlie Brown's. No, Nancy, you're not going to do that anymore. Okay, we're going to break you of this.

We're going to have to tie you down. Yeah, we'll have to kidnap her. Yeah. That'll be fun. Yeah. Okay, great. Let's see. What do I want to plug? I have February 9th. Come out to the Vancouver Comedy Festival and see me out there. I'll be doing a live podcast slash comedy bang bang show with some special guests I cannot reveal yet. In Vancouver? Yeah. Are you going to be out there? I might. Really? February 9th? You want to be on it? Okay.

Okay. Come on out. Also, we have a new show on Earwolf, by the way. We have Jeff Garland's got a podcast, and he's over here with us. And his first guest is Larry David. And you can get that starting today over at Earwolf.com or on iTunes. So go check that out.

Also, pick up a Comedy Bang Bang t-shirt if you want. And, boy, that's it. I think we've got to close up the old plug bag here before any more get out. Brett? No, Brett doesn't have anything to plug. Brett, nothing? Come on. Come on, you're embarrassing him. I met a lady on the bus...

And she told me to go to a website. Oh, yeah, okay. And it was called murphyplease.com. Oh, wait, you told us you met this lady on the bus last time. Was she on the bus again? She gave me a ride. She gave me a ride. She was a nice lady? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But her website sounds so stupid. Why would anyone go to it? I don't know. I don't know why she wants me to go there. Did you ever go to it since the last time she told you to? Did you ever notice that? No. Did you ever notice that? No, I didn't go to the website. Yeah. I don't know. Do you really want to go to the website?

go to this website murphy please murphy please uh-huh i don't know what happened you don't know what happens when people go there i don't know sounds weird did you ever notice that i'm gonna be at charlie brown's once a week no you're not gonna do come on all right we'll we'll get we'll get this what else what else what else what else what else what else all right well let's close up that old plug bag brett

What is that? Did we add something to the plugback theme last time? Who was talking over that one?

What was that? All right, we'll investigate that. Maybe it's a new addition to the Plugged Back theme. All right. Hey, you know, that was the remix that Casey Wilson and Adam Pally added their own signature onto. Ken Marino obviously did the original version of it. My goodness. Maybe there's a new version here with whoever that is muttering over it and the sounds of the wind.

Oh, I forgot to plug the hot tub show. So sorry, but the plug bag is closed. We can't let any more of those plugs out there. Otherwise, the world will be just filled with plugs. And then, you know, I mean, none of our, you know, we won't be able to take showers anymore. Well, you know, there'll be too many plugs.

Everybody's going to get stuck in the bathtub then. Yep. Bringing it around, Nancy Cooper. All right, guys. Well, that's our show. Thank you so much for being here. Kristen, thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for having me. Such a pleasure to see you and to talk to you again. And Rick? Yeah. You going to make any changes in 2013? Probably not. Oh, you are a monster. And Nancy? Mm-hmm. I look forward to kidnapping you. Mm-hmm.

Me too, yeah. I'll be good at it. I'll do it good. Okay. Thanks, everyone. We'll see you Monday with a brand new show and some very special guests on that one. And until then, goodbye.

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