Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Theune, Toni Charline (More-imony Tony)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome to another bonus bang. Bonus bangs, of course, are episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have done in previous years, that we are taking and trotting, perhaps, out from behind the paywall...

for your listening pleasure. Now, we're in the middle of a series called Morimoni Tony. This is our fourth episode of Morimoni Tony. This is where we are revisiting some of the best episodes with Alimony Tony, played by Paul F. Tompkins.

This week's episode was originally numbers and still is as far as I'm concerned. Number 740. It aired January 16th, 2022, just three years ago. It features Paul F. Tompkins, of course, as Alimony Tony. Dave Tooney is attorney. That's hard to say. Tooney attorney as attorney Robbie Del Muda and Tony Charlene as Max the Dog. Now, Alimony Tony gets to talk about his exciting new divorce and

and debuts his newest parody song. It's a great time. I remember taping this right out in my backyard. This is still in the middle of COVID. So now if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com where you can find every single episode we've ever done as well as all of our

every live episode we've ever done over the past 15 years, including the 43 live episodes we did in 2024. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack be slinging that big old dick. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, my word. No? Oh, my word. Thank you to Pugsley's Chicken. Pugsley's Chicken. I wonder if that's a restaurant or a person. Is it a reference to the Addams Family? Oh, did Pugsley have a chicken in the Addams Family? Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Perhaps in the cartoons, the Charles Addams cartoons. Perhaps he started a restaurant, Pugsley's Chicken.

Much like the chicken in... Yes. Like Popeye started... Popeye! Well, Popeye has cornered the market with cartoon character chicken restaurants. Why doesn't Pugsley start? But now Popeye doesn't appear on any of the packaging or the promotion anywhere, right? It leads me to believe that it is a different Popeye. That it's like...

Popeye Brown. Perhaps an actual human being who was unfairly called Popeye. Yes, perhaps someone with some sort of... What was Popeye's condition? He had one eye? Because his name implies that he has a bug eye. He had acrobagali. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, Popeye, it seems to only have one eye. I don't know why they would make him a Popeye. Maybe they're talking about his working eye. Wow, look at that. Compared to his other eye, it's popping out. Why did they call him Working Guy? Working Guy. He wasn't Working Guy. He was one of our forces. Thank you for your service, Popeye. Wasn't that the Jonathan Silverman show, Working Guy? Yes, that's right.

Okay. That's for you and me. Welcome to the show. Hey, this is what I sound like, right? I believe so. Okay. I'm just checking. I mean, it sounds great to me. I have not been me a while. I just wanted to make sure this is what I sound like. I do believe you are yourself. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an incredible show coming up. The person that you have been hearing, I will introduce in a second, but coming up a little later on the show. I could wait. Oh, good. I

I'm glad. What if you couldn't? Because it is an incredible show, and I don't want to be the person who's holding it up. Sure. Although you just interrupted me, and you are holding it up. Very good point. I do apologize. To you and to the listener. Oh, okay. That's very polite of you. What about the people who are not listening? I suppose I can apologize to them, but I don't know what good it does. Well, maybe they'll hear about it secondhand or thirdhand. A listener will tell a non-listener, hey, you got an apology from somebody on this podcast I listen to. Tell a friend. Albertsons. What?

Because where I grew up on the East Coast, it was a different chain. Well, it was Alan Hamill, who was Suzanne Somers' husband. Sure. And maybe still is. Maybe still is, although Suzanne Somers has been on the billion-dollar properties. No, what is it? That's bajillion-dollar properties. Million-dollar listing. Oh, really? Yes, she's been on that recently, trying to sell her Palm Springs home. And I believe she has a husband. I don't know whether it's Alan Hamill or not. I believe it still is. And I think maybe they're moving into a supermarket.

Telefriend? But who was it? It was Alan Habel. But I can't remember the supermarket chain. Oh, no. That it was on the East Coast. No. Because Albertsons didn't exist on the East Coast. Why do things not exist on the East Coast? Are people's minds so different on either side of the Mississippi? The great Mississippi, by the way. Exactly. Do you agree with that sentiment? It is great. And it's mighty. Yeah.

The mighty business. It's mighty. But I think that it's to keep, it's to keep order in the nation because we're such a big country and I don't, I don't know if any of us. To keep us divided. Yes. They want us to fight. Helmets versus best foods. Whoever wins, we lose. Parties versus rallies. Uh,

No, Hardee's and Carl's Jr., I believe. Hardee's versus Carl's Jr. Rally's is worldwide. Rally's takes no sides. Rally's is Switzerland. That's right. The Switzerland of the C-tier fast food chains. C-T? C-tier. C-tier. It's my Mid-Atlantic accent. Oh, that's right.

You are from the mid-Atlantic. It sounds like I'm saying T-T-E. That's not a clue as to your identity, by the way. No, it is not. By the way, if anyone's guessed who this is, please send your guesses in. Yes. Text comedybangbang, one for I know, two for yes. If you just text comedybangbang, would I get it? I wonder.

Somebody's got to get it. Someone's got to get it. Maybe God. Put. Oh, God himself. Him or herself. Theirself. Theirself. Well, maybe God said they them. What if God was they them? The original non-binary. God. It makes sense. That makes sense. He's got three identities already. He's got. The father, the son, the Holy Ghost. It's kind of weird to split up your. The three that I admire most. Remember? American Pie. John McClane.

Oh, I thought you meant the movie. He was Don McLean on the East Coast. Didn't make any sense. We'll get to you in a second. By the way, we're out in the backyard again. Yes, I do not want to hold things. We're wearing cardigans. We're in the backyard again. My name is Scott Aukerman. I don't know whether I said that or not, but that is who I am. And we're in my backyard and we have some great guests coming up a little later on the show. We have someone from the animal kingdom, which is great because... Is it Jackie Weaver? No.

Jackie Weaver. I'm sorry, that's the movie, Edible Kingdom. Oh, okay. I was like, did she play? No, I don't think so. Was she in Pig? No, she was not in Pig, as far as we know. What?

Were you saying she was playing the titular pig? The titular pig. By the way, when I say someone from the animal kingdom, I am not talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm not talking about someone with an animal species as a name. Catmower. Catmower. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about literally someone from the— Free Dog Night. Certainly. The rest.

It's a good way to cut someone off and stop a bit, by the way. We'll see about that. But it's great because... Boy-dog pondering. Great band. A lot of people don't know them. But this is, of course, for a while, this was Humanity's podcast. And then we branched out into the podcast of the Animal Kingdom. So...

So apparently word has gotten out. When did this happen? This happened late last year, I believe. We thought that was too limiting to just be humanities podcast. Well, now it seems like you're going from humanity to just animals. Is that not the case? No, we haven't gone to minerals quite yet.

I did not say minerals. I apologize if that's what you heard. So are you saying... No vegetables, no minerals, quite yet. None taken. But you're saying it's gone from being a podcast for humanity to being a podcast for the animal kingdom? Oh, no, no, no. It's not just for... Oh, no, that would be a severe blow to our listeners. So what's the official tagline now? Humanity... Well, gosh, okay, we haven't quite figured this out, but it was Humanity's Podcast. Let's do it.

And now it's Humanity Plus the Animal Kingdoms podcast, but that sounds very clunky. Do you have any, can you punch this up? What if it's the podcast for all creatures great and small? There we are. Do you remember those books? I remember they existed. Can you imagine in the 2020s ever reading a book about a veterinarian?

We've moved on so far from that. And he doesn't kill people? No. He just saves animals. A veterinarian who happens to kill people. He loves animals so much, he wants humanity dead. How about a book about a podiatrist? Sure. But can you imagine? I read them all as a youth. Did you really? Yes. Didn't you know there was a TV show you could have saved yourself some time? Oh, damn it. One of the Doctor Whos was in it. Which one? The blonde guy. Doctor Who? The one who wore the cricket outfit. Ha ha ha.

So not Matt, what's his name? No, this is an old school Doctor Who. Sure. Yeah. The fifth Doctor. The fifth Doctor. Peter Davidson. Oh, okay. Peter, wait. Not Pete Davidson. Not Pete Davidson. Should he be Doctor Who next? Peter Davidson. And he was covered with tattoos, but he is not Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson should be Doctor Who next. I mean, he's got that big dick energy. Like Doctor Who has. Exactly. Especially these past few seasons. Right? Right.

I feel like there was an episode of Doctor Who recently where he pulled a Lenny Kravitz. Where his big dongle just popped out. We need Pete Davidson in this role. Look, kids are watching this. You know what I mean? That's inappropriate. But now that's no longer a problem because the Doctor is a woman. Yes. Literally. Aha, the Doctor is a woman. You're a sexist.

Well, we'll get back to you in a second. But coming up a little later, someone from the animal kingdom. Exciting. Which is very exciting. We also have an attorney. Oh. An attorney. At law? I believe at law, yes. I believe you have had usage of many attorneys over the years. Oh, yes, indeed I have. Now, hold on a second. Why is an attorney at law? What are the kind of attorney? Actor at acting. Actor at acting.

Podiatrist at Foot Doctrine. Doctor at Doctor Who-ing. Oh, I like that. Doctor at Science Fiction. Because attorney, that's just what it is. It's a practitioner of the law. Maybe it implies that someone is actually practicing and has not had their license revoked. Are you still allowed to call yourself an attorney if you've been defrocked? Can you call yourself an attorney at law if you have not passed the bar?

Nor have you. Have you ever even tried? Like legally, could you put out an ad saying I'm an attorney? Wonderful musical. You know, I love song parodies. You do. That's right. And that's another clue. That's the identity text. Comedy bang bang.

But let's get to you because those are all in the future and we are talking about the present right now with our first guest. Are these things yet to come? Yes, they are. Stop pointing your bony finger at me. Will they or may be? No, you're the bony finger guy. That's right. If I'm asking the question. I'm asking the question, sir. Scrooge had bony fingers. Scrooge, you. I'm kidding.

Didn't Scrooge have bony fingers? Scrooge also, he was an older gentleman. I think he's characterized as being slender, yes. Yes, he's slender with a... Not the Slenderman! Maybe Scrooge is the Slenderman. Have you ever thought about the connections between these two characters? I mean, he has to have died at some point. Probably, although they heavily imply, Dickens implies he is an immortal. Really? Yes.

I don't. Huh. I haven't read it in a while. A lot of times, you know, you'll read the prose and it'll be like, the never aging Scrooge turned to his... The never aging Scrooge. Turned to his employee, the getting older every second, Bob Cratchit. Wow.

Do you think things got better for them at work after that one Christmas? I think he slipped back into just his same old patterns after about one month, probably. But do you think that he was more aware of it so Bob Cratchit could say, you're doing it again? Hey, call me on this if I do. Listen, I've had a total change of my outlook of life.

I know that old habits die hard. If I start to backslide, call me on it. What if Scrooge is only nice on Christmas after that? That's the lesson he learned. They have to send all the ghosts back. Like, hey, we were talking about all year. Because the ghosts just take them back to Christmases.

He thinks like, okay, it's Christmas. I got it. I understand what you're trying to tell me now. I'm not going to die now, right? He's still a real jerk. 364 days. Also, his lesson was not that he wasn't going to die. It was that people were not going to show up to his funeral. Now, this is the thing. A friend of mine got into this online with some people who thought that

Scrooge's, his change, his transformation happened just to save himself. But it's like he knew he was going to die. I like to think he'll still die on the exact same day. Although maybe like one of the lessons he takes from this is he has to look after his health. Do you think, I don't think that was in there. I mean, he's looking at his gravestone and if they happen to put like how he died on it, do they do that on gravestones?

They should. Tuberculosis. They really should. Although it could be embarrassing. You know, somebody just fell down. But I think that, you know, looking at- Shoved something too big up his butt. I think it's too big. There's a size and a place for everything. So big that it killed the person. Sure. Wasn't that like a building? Climbed up to the top of the Washington Monument?

But I think in those days, looking after your health was like, don't eat meat for one meal a week. Yeah. What could they even do back then? There was like, you know what I mean? Everyone was thin because no one had enough food. Except for rich people who were very fat. That's true. That was a sign of wealth. Yes. Yes. But I mean, what else? Like old fuzzy wig. What else could you do? You were thin, which means you, do you have to exercise all that much if you're super, super thin? Because you're not eating all that much. It seems like that would burn too many calories. Yeah.

You were thin. If you were pale, it was because you worked in an office. If you were tanned, it was because you worked outdoors. Right. And maybe, I mean, there were no, like, low-cholesterol drugs. There were no drugs? There were no drugs at all. Although there was pot.

Was there? Were people smoking marijuana back then? In Dickens' days? Yes. What were the Dickens' days? Which century is that? I don't even know. Well, it's the 19th century. Okay, the 1800s. 1800s. So you think they're smoking some dank weed? Some kind bud? They got some nugs? Some dank nugs? Hey, Cratchit, come on into my office here. It probably wasn't illegal. People didn't know what it was. They didn't even know it. They smoked it by accident.

Like, oh, I got a bad deal of this tobacco. It made me crazy. You know how everything, like, you wonder who the first people are who ever did something like, hey, let's set this on fire. Like, is there stuff that we— Let's set this on fire. Let's set this on fire and inhale the smoke. Who was the first arsonist to say, let's set this on fire? I'm talking about pot. Oh, I see. But is there something that we haven't done to something out there that would be great? You know what I mean? Mm-hmm.

No. Or have we discovered everything? We've done it all. Like every single thing in the world, have we discovered what to do? Have we tried setting everything on fire? People having sex with buildings. We've done it all. We've done it all. What is that song that talks about that? People having sex with buildings. Is that it? No, I don't think so. Okay, I tried to write one real quick.

Uh, he is a song parodist. Of course we know him primarily as a hobby, but what really you shouldn't. Well, that's right. You have your, uh, other interests are perhaps more germane, uh, clinic. Uh, he is our first guest on the show. He is a returning favorite. Uh, people, uh, uh, enjoy his presence on this show. And that is why I asked for him to return. Uh,

You asked for me by name. That's right. Tell a friend. And he is a very rich person who has been married, I believe at last count it was in the 20s or 30s, was it not? I think the last time I saw you was probably in the 20s. Now it's in the 30s, yes. Right. So you're in your 30s. So you've already been married at least eight, five years.

Oh, not me.

I've stopped all deliveries. Really? Why is that? Out of safety concerns? Yeah, I don't want anything coming into the house without basically without any inspection or anything like that. Oh, is there? Are we hearing breaks now?

What is that that we're hearing? It's a little beeping, maybe a backup? Not like last week. That went off for quite a long time. That was a huge backup. And was that in your driveway? No, no. People claimed that it was. Yes, it was. This is great to get behind the steering. Oh, no, he was turning around. He was turning around! Incredible. And he's going back down the other way. Imagine getting to the top of the street and saying, ah, shit. I went the wrong way. Can you imagine such a life, such an existence? I lack the imagination.

But welcome back to the show. First time you've been in my backyard. I apologize there's no one for you to marry back here. That's all right. I'll find somebody sooner or later. Someone who's coming up on the show.

Oh, maybe. We'll see. Well, you did say the animal kingdom and an attorney. And an attorney, yeah. Are neither of those interesting to you? The attorney might work out. We'll see. Okay, but not the animal kingdom. I mean, if you're saying it's an animal, then no. Okay. Have you ever run out of people to marry and then said, maybe I should turn to the animal kingdom? Scott, there's always someone to marry. Okay.

First of all, I've been very lucky. I'm a cis white male. I've married exclusively women. I'm not closing the door on anything. Who knows? I love to get married because... A lot of people change their points of view on that later in life. That's right. If people don't know why I love to get married, it's because, more than anything, I love paying alimony. You love it. Now... I love it. You enjoy the marriages. Of course. I always marry for love. Sure. It hasn't worked out, but...

I do love paying the alimony. And there's no hard feelings with any of your former wives? I'm friends with all of my former wives. Good friends. Well, to varying degrees, but we're all on positive terms. Okay. Some I talk to every day. Some I talk to once a year. What do you love? Merry Christmas. Like a Scrooge over here.

What do you love about the paying of the alimony? Is it the writing of the check? Is it the seeing your bank balance deplete? What exactly is it that you love? Well, my bank balance never depletes, really, because I'm independently wealthy. My mother invented gaseous paper.

And so, I mean, it does deplete, but at the same time, you're gaining more than it ever depletes. That's exactly right. And and of course, every once in a while royalties for my song parodies. That's very, very rare. Yeah. But when it happens, it's always fun. Yeah. But yeah, I love your most popular one. Oh, let's see my most popular just on the Spotify like royalty rankings. Um,

I think it's my parody of the National Anthem. Right. Of course, the Star-Spangled Banner. What's the title? Is it a parody of one of the lyrics, like O Say Can You See, or is it a parody of the National Anthem? It's a parody of the National Anthem, which is the Star-Spangled Banner, which begins O Say Can You See. So I don't know if you thought they were two separate songs. No, what's the title of the parody? Oh, the title of the parody. The title of the parody is...

national anthem, which is a little nod to Stephen Sondheim. RIP, by the way. Exactly. Rest in power. Yeah.

You really had to pause in between that. Like, are we allowed? I wanted to say peace because he was so old, but I feel like I want to say power because I bet he could have done some more stuff. What's the dividing line between peace and power? Like, it used to be, you know, like leaders that we wanted to pump up, you know? We wanted to make sure that they, like a Martin Luther King or whatever, rest in power. But at what point is it like, no, you know, that person was in so much pain that

by the end. They need to be resting in peace. An interesting delineation. Now, what I took it to mean was someone who was, uh, who was taken from us, uh,

in their prime, and they still had more that they could have done. Right. Rest in power. Right. But rest in peace is like somebody who's so old and retired, like, they're done. Shouldn't there be something in between? Like? Like rest in stasis. You know, like you were fine where you were, but you were also past your prime. You were fine where you were. You were past your prime. You were 36. Rest in stasis. Is that what you think past their prime is when it comes to your marriages? 36? 36.

Have you ever married anyone older than 36? I've married many different ages. Really? Yes, I have. Like how old's the oldest? I have ex-wives who are deceased. What? And I send alimony checks to their graves. Ha ha ha.

Are they just collecting there in like an urn? Well, I mean, they have, of course, they have a huge mausoleum, courtesy of me. Oh, wow. And there's a little mailbox in there. And so the checks go in there. There shouldn't be mailboxes at Graves. I agree. I would love that if I were, if I worked at the post office and someday I'll get there. If I worked there, I would love to be. Why? When there's stamps.com. That's a good point. Never go to the post office again.

But that would be great to have the graveyard shift where and I don't mean working late at night. I mean, although maybe they would make the literal graveyard shift. You have to go deliver letters to these graves. Maybe they would force you to do it after midnight. We're going to let it all hang out.

Do you like that song? I can't say that I like any Eric Clapton song. That's the weird part about it. There's something about him that's just so boring. I've tried to go back and listen to... I mean, the Cream era is okay, maybe. In a white robe. With black curtains. Okay, what now? I went there. I sat in it. Who cares? Right.

You want an answer? No one. Okay, good. Thank you. What do you think of his new stuff, though? It's great. It's really good. He finally got me. He finally turned it around. Can't take this bullshit anymore. Oh, that's right. He doesn't say bullshit. Oh, okay. He censored himself before I added it. Because no kids can listen to it. Where he's saying, I don't want to be in lockdown anymore. I don't care. I think it's BS and I want to go where I want to go. Where does he want to go? Who knows? A laundromat? Ha ha ha ha ha.

He's got a lot of clothes that he needs. Soiled clothing. Soiled clothing. That should be one of his song titles. Soiled clothing. It's not a bad... It is. Okay. I was going to say it's not a bad song title. It turns out it is. Soiled clothing. If you were to chance upon an unknown artist... Speaking of which, song titles. Yes. The name of my parody of the sauce bagel banner is A Bar Mangled Banner. A Bar Mangled Banner.

A bar mangled... No, sorry, a bar mangled manor. A bar mangled manor. Yes. Is that describing someone's, the way they do something in a bar mangled manor? No, it is manor, M-A-N-O-R. Oh, oh, oh, okay, oh. And some, the parody is about someone opening a bar at Downton Abbey and destroying it. Oh, opening a bar at Downton Abbey. Here's why it's fun, a little, you know, Easter egg, is that our national anthem is based on a British drinking song. Right, right.

And so I'm making it a drinking song again in England, but it's Americans go over there and they set up a bar in town. I mean, they destroy the place. And this is your most popular. It's my most popular? Well, the TV show helped because people like that TV show. Oh, oh, oh. You had a TV show based on it. Yes.

That only aired in England. Two series, as they say, but not bad. Three episodes each. Was it considered an official Downton Abbey spinoff? No, it was not. And that's why, I mean, it's a miracle we got those six episodes out because we were in court pretty fast, considering.

I'd wear a wig. I do. When entertainment law in England, everyone has to wear a wig because it's entertainment. You got to put on a show with people. The jurors, observers in the gallery, everyone's wearing wigs. And it's not just the sort of the white wig. People, you can wear like a David Bowie wig, a Tina Turner wig. John 316 wig. Oh, yeah. The rainbow wig. Exactly. Yeah. Boy, that guy had a had a very interesting story.

He did have a very interesting story. He was like, I got to get noticed to let people know for God so loved the world, he became his only begotten sons to die for his sins. And then afterwards, though, even more interesting. I don't know if you've kept up with him. No, well, here's what I know. First, he started going to games and just like saying, like kind of raising his voice saying, John 316, John 316, not working. Nope. I got to get a sign. He got the sign, John 316, John 316. He's like, I'm getting tired of saying this, but

But the sign, I think, is helping. I know what I'll do. I will add this rainbow wig. Ha!

People will be saying, what's that guy doing? Oh, John 316. Oh. I got to look that up. A famous guy with a very, look him up, by the way, Alamone Tony. I think you'll find his. Well, I mean, I want to know right now, but I don't want to take time out of the podcast. I want to know right now. Do you love me forever? Meatloaf. Meatloaf. Another interesting guy. I did a song parody of that song, but it's so long. Longer than the actual song? It was long. I added four verses. Yeah.

To my parody of Paradise by the Dash of Light. His name, by the way, is Roland Stewart. Roland Stewart. Arrested in 1992. Why did he bother having a name? That's true. And what was he arrested for? Let's see. Some sort of standoff. Parking tickets. Uh-oh. Standoff. Standoff in a Los Angeles hotel. Eight felonies. Kidnapping. Hostage taking. All sorts of stuff. Oops. John 316 not helping him.

What code is that in the police? It's a 316. It's a 316. It's got to be. Please let it be. Change it if it's not. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Why are you here?

I'm just here to see you and to spend time with you. I thought I was your co-host for this episode. Oh, yes. No, that's right. Okay. But what's been going on in your life, I guess, is what I mean. Well, good news. I'm about to get divorced. Oh, congratulations. Yes, thank you very much. That's wonderful news. Thank you very much. How long has this marriage lasted? Two weeks. Oh, okay. And, boy, we fell in love very quick. Oh, really? Yes. Her name is...

Her name was Jenny, right? No, that was my last wife. Oh, that was your current wife. Her name was Hermione. Hermione. Like Hermione from the Boy Who Lived books? What's that? A wonderful book series by a notorious TERF named J.K. Rowling called Harry Potter.

And what is that about? It's about a boy with a disfiguring scar on his forehead. A horror book. Yeah. It's like a real Phantom of the Opera type guy. Oh, okay. That sounds fun. His whole life is affected by it.

He considers himself to be very ugly. Oh, no. Well, this is sad. How old a boy is he? I believe he's 11 or so in the first book, and he grows up to be all the way to 18, and I don't want to spoil the last book for you. He grows up to all the way to 18? Yep. That doesn't happen for a lot of people. And then he dies. No, he doesn't die right now. I don't want to spoil it. Oh, you said he was a boy who lived. Yes. Well, he was supposed to die as a baby.

Oh, why? According to another guy. Was it supposed to be an abortion? That's what they're referring to when they say the boy who lived is Harry Potter's mother decided at the last second not to get an abortion. Where does this take place? I know it's in England, but I wonder if... So she goes to get an abortion, all the shops are shut. Because it's Christmas.

It's Christmas Day. We can't perform abortions today. You there, boy. Where can I get an abortion? Nowhere, Mom. No one as big as me? It's Christmas Day. What would that mean? An abortion as big as me. What would that mean? I don't know. I'm getting an abortion and it's going to be big. So Hermione or Hermione? Hermione. Hermione. Hermione.

Hermione. How's it spelled? H-E-R. Okay. Hermione. Yes. Okay. And where did you meet Hermione?

We met at, you know, it's funny enough, we met at an Albertsons grocery store. Really? Yes. Okay, out here on the West Coast. Out here on the West Coast, yes. I was in town to do your show. Okay, and was it, you were both in the same aisle? Were you in different aisles? Those are the two questions. It's a very cute, it's a meat cute. It's a meat cute? Okay. Wow. And is it a M-E-A-T cute? Yes, because we were in the meat aisle! Oh, wow!

We were in the meat aisle together. We were standing near each other, not looking at each other. I picked up this package of meat that said it was impossible. And I said, impossible, you say? Out loud. Yes. And she turned to me and said, hard to believe. And I said, wait.

Is that from a Tom Waits song? And she said, yes, it is. It's when he was still doing the gravelly voice before he started singing through a bullhorn and stuff like that. I said, yes, that's right. And we got to talking. Two music fans. Two music fans. Of a very specific subject. That's right. That's right. And we got to talking and we really hit it off. And I said, this is going to sound crazy.

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but here's my number. Marry me maybe. And she said, let's do it. I like you. I think I could fall in love with you.

We got married the same day. The exact same day in the supermarket? Yes, we did. Wow. Who performed the ceremony? It was, it was, we, we, I got on the loudspeaker. You're not supposed to do this. I said, is there anybody here who was an ordained minister? And three people were in the office. Wow. Yes. And so they were co-officiants. Oh, really? Did they split up the responsibilities? They each took turns talking like that improv game where you say one word at a time. And

And we got married in the frozen foods aisle. Wow. Because the lighting from the, we were backlit by the freezers. Sure. It was very dramatic and nice. Oh, yeah. And I mean, people cried. Like people would gather around and some people were a little annoyed because they were trying to get at the ice cream and such.

But that was very few and far between. It was a long ceremony. It was like a Catholic? It was a Catholic ceremony. It was a full mass. And the supermarket was happy about this? They weren't sad. I mean, nobody really told us to knock it off or anything. Okay, no one called the police? No, there wasn't even an announcement at one point, like halfway through. Attention shoppers, there was a full Catholic wedding ceremony going on in the frozen foods aisle, if you'd like to watch.

And it was wonderful. I mean, of course, we made up our own vows on the spot. Yeah, and it's very important to me to never use any previous vows that I've already used. Not even the same words? No, I don't want to... So, and and the must have been gone like your very first... Well, I mean, articles and conjunctions, you know, that's different. I'm trying to express...

You know, a sentiment that is unique to my new spouse. Sure. And I don't want to just cheat and paraphrase previous vows. So your copy of the thesaurus must be dog-eared as hell. It is, and I carry it with me everywhere I go in case I get married. Just in case. You had it that day, I would hope. Of course I had it that day. Right. Are you crossing out words in the thesaurus that you've used in your vows? Yes, that's correct. It must be so marked up. It makes it so much easier. Sure.

So this is incredible. And how soon after you were married did the problem start? I would say the second week, the beginning of the second week. So the first week, honeymoon period. What a wonderful week that was. Did you run out of Tom Waits records to talk about? No.

I mean, we did talk about other things in addition to that. But did you answer your question? Yes, we did. We started talking about our Clapton, of course. We talked about painting our room white in our home. Putting up black curtains. Exactly. And moving near the station. And then the beginning of the second week, it seemed like we didn't have as much in common as we thought. Was that the only thing you had in common? No.

Yeah, it turns out we had more differences than we had commonalities. What were the differences? I mean... Well, there was an age difference. Oh, really? She's older or you're older? She's older. She was significantly older. She was 78 years old. 78? Okay. And you're... I've never quite asked you. Well, let's just say I'm middle-aged. Right. I'm comfortably in my middle age. But about 53? 53.

A little older. You can go higher than that. Keep going. 55. Keep going. 56. Keep going. 57. 58. 59. 60. 60. Oh, Price is Right. I'm 60 years young. Oh, Price is Right. Are you one year old? I'm just imagining the yodeler going over the hill. I love that guy. Have you ever parodied that song? Yes. Oh, so funny. Different sounds. So funny.

Okay. Oh, wait, do you not parody songs to make them funny? No, I mean, I do, but I feel... I'm sorry, I didn't realize they were serious parody songs. I'm the only one that does serious parody songs. It really is. You change all the lyrics to rhymes, but they're all serious sentiments. I just make the song about something else. That's all I do. I like the tunes. Okay.

So she was older, about 18 years older. Yes. So the cultural references were different? Not that far off. You run out of water, by the way? Are you sad that you threw away the water before we started this? No, as you can see, I'm filling up my cup of water. Oh, it seems to be about one-third full, and you've already drank one. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

That really tickled you. You enjoyed that one. So wait, so you were probably talking about Star Wars a lot and she was talking about... Battlestar Galactica. She was talking about Buck Rogers. The original black and white flash gun. Flash haul!

Did you ever see that movie? I've never seen it. That's a Scott Hasn't Seen, although I always wanted to when I was young, and I bought it recently. Should we watch it together? Yes, Alimony Tony on Scott Hasn't Seen. I would love to do that. You know, I'm a listener of Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh, you are? Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan. The most recent episode with that lovely young lady. Who was that? Oh, she was so fun. Ooh, tell me she's single. Unfortunately, no. She's with a friend of mine. Ah. That's too bad. But you never know. Hmm.

What can happen? You think they might split up? I mean, I've suspected it. Husband's kind of a jerk. I mean, it's just incompatibility. That's all. What makes them incompatible, would you say? Well, you know, I mean, they're both very special people. And sometimes two stars that shine bright in the sky cannot collide. Otherwise, they would explode. Wait, is that scientifically true? I don't know.

Wait, so the stars, if they shine too brightly, they mustn't collide or else there's a problem. Right, exactly. But if they're separate, then it's great. Well, it's a lot like time travel. You know, I read something recently of where someone time traveled to the past and they said, and of course, we all know that two exact matches of bodies cannot exist in the same plane at the same time. So this one disappeared and went into the universe.

Like the negative zone or something. Two exact matches of bodies. Yes, like... And what was weird was it was already a shapeshifter who had shapeshifted into... Anyway, never mind.

This is my reading material. Oh. Right before I go to bed. No wonder my dreams are so crazy. Are you having bad dreams? Yeah, terrible dreams. Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry. Yeah. You know, nightmares, they're a terrible thing. And unfortunately, I can tell you, from 60, they never go away. Yeah. There's this guy with a disfigured face with like a little lightning bolt scar on his forehead. And he's like, he's waving his wand at me and...

Wait, his wand? Is he a conductor of some sort? It's like a sharp knife, but... It's like a sharp knife, but... But just one, not on... But just one. It's like a sharp knife, but just one. Well, you know how knives usually come in sets. Do they ever sell one knife?

Well, it depends on the type of knife that it is. Are you just thinking of like knives for the dinner table? Do you think when you're... There's a wide variety of knives. When you're like a famous chef, do you have to buy like those... Are you saying this is me in the future? Yeah, when you're a famous chef in the future. When I grow up to be a famous chef? Yeah. Do they make you buy like five at a time of those big, fancy, expensive knives? They're like, we only sell them in sets. Do they make you do that? Or do they split them up?

That's a good question. Is it? I guess when I'm a famous chef, I'll find out. A shameless chef. I guess when I'm ashamed, a chef. I'm trying to think of the movie Chef with Johnny Favs. And did he have multiple knives? Do they follow him to the knife store? Yeah.

I don't think we ever got maybe deleted scene. Maybe. Yeah. A lot in that truck. A lot of scenes in a truck. A lot in the truck. Not enough scenes in the knife store. Must be difficult to film. I wonder if they had to open up the side of the truck in order to film that. I hope so. It would have been so hot in there. Because it's not only a lot of people adding warmth because of the body warmth, but then also there's a stove there. Yeah. Some sort of frying apparatus. You think the guy holding the boom mic ever like sat on the stove accidentally and went, ow, ow, ow, my butt.

Can you hear that in the movie ever? Did I ever hear that in the movie? During one of the scenes? Johnny Fabs is talking to Johnny Legs and...

The two Johnnies. Fabs legs. The two Johnnies. The two Jakes. The two Ronnies. The two Johnnies. Two Johnnies, she said. They're in the movie, Chef with Icy. Oh, that was terrible. Not one of your best parodies. Also too funny. Here's the thing. I have to. You're right. I have to sit down and I can't do them on the fly. I have to sit down and write them. It takes me hours and hours. It's a laborious process. Oh, that's why I have a laboratory in which to do it.

So what is going on with Hermione? You're in process of getting, does she know what's happening? Yes, she does. No, no, no. Of course. It's, it's, here's the thing, Scott. It's never my decision. It's always my wife's decision. Really? You leave it up to them? Well, it's not that I leave it up to them. I would stay married to any of them, but they, you know, it just turns out we're incompatible. So, so every single person, this is interesting. Every single person you've married, you've said to them, have you said to them, hey, I don't think we should stay married, but it's up to you.

Or do you just wait for them to say it? Well, I'm not waiting for them to say it. They say, it just comes to a point where they say, we have irreconcilable differences. But you've never broached the subject of, should we get a divorce? That's always been something they bring up. No, it's always been brought up. Really? For someone who loves to pay alimony, you think that it would be right there on the tip of your tongue? Well, because I also love to be married. Oh.

Oh, that's true. But not as much as... You can't pay alimony if you're not married. I love them both. Equally? If you have a hot fudge sundae, you don't just love the hot fudge, you also love the ice cream. It's the two of them together that is what makes it so wonderful. Has anyone ever eaten hot fudge by itself? Of course, I have. You know, every frosting out of the can? That's the best. Sure. All of these forbidden things you're not supposed to do. It's wonderful. I just can't imagine...

Like, first of all, heating it up and then just spooning it into my mouth. It seems disgusting. Well, here's the thing. You don't have to heat it up. Okay. But it's hot fudge. You can just eat it right out of the jar. It's hot fudge, but it's not, it doesn't come hot. You don't buy a jar of it. It's like, ooh, ooh, ooh, my butt. I sat on some hot fudge. Yeah.

I believe in miracles. That's hot chocolate. That's true. When you came along, you sexy thing. Can you imagine saying that to someone? What a line that would be. I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles because you came along, you sexy thing. Wow. What a line. You never used it. Nine times out of ten, you get slapped in the face by the tenth time. Oh, boy. By the way, speaking of which, when you ask people to marry you, how often are you slapped in the face? Oh, this never happened. Oh, really?

Oh, really? Because it's not a rude thing to say. It would be if you were to just come up to a woman in the maternity ward. Have you ever met a woman in the maternity ward? That has happened one time. Wow. One time. Wycliffe. I was there visiting my brother, whose wife. From another mother? No.

No, from the same. Oh, wow. Okay. Yes. And his wife was having a baby. And the whole family went to visit and wait, you know, in the waiting room. And he was in there. That seems like a thing of the past. Does anyone do that anymore? Well, we did it.

Sure, but in the past you did it. I'm just saying like these days. It's true. It seems like a very movie thing to see. I think it depends on how close the family is. My family were very close. Okay. I come from a large family. How large? Eight kids. Eight kids? Eight kids. And then how many parents? Eight kids, one mom, two dads. In the same house? Yes. Wow. Yes. A throuple. Well, not really.

Not really. The two dads did not acknowledge that they were in a relationship together. Wait, the dads were in a relationship together? No, I just said they weren't. Oh, oh, oh. They did not. You said they didn't acknowledge. It was not a throuple. They would not say, yes, we're all, the three of us in a relationship. It was more of a bigamy. They had kind of, and my mother being the bigamist, they all knew about each other, but they kept the relationships separate, but under the same roof.

Separate but equal. And my mother would never say which was the father of which child. Oh, were there clues that you were able to glean from the physical? We tried to piece it together over the years and from the way people looked. Was one of the dads named Tony? That might have been a clue. No, Scott, please.

Because I'm not Tony Jr. You can only be a junior, by the way, if your middle name is the exact same as the father as well. That's right. And here's a fun thing, and maybe we've discussed this before. If you're a nickname for the third, if you're the third, the exact same name, a nickname for you is Tripp.

Oh, really? If you are technically the second, but there's a generation in between you, but you have the same name as your grandfather, they could call you Skip. Skip? Really? God, I want to call someone Skip or Trip. God, I wish I could call you Skip or Trip.

You can call me Skipper Trip. Hey, Skipper Trip. It's me, the Skipper Trip. Aye, aye. Welcome aboard. The thing is, but both my fathers looked very much alike, so that made it harder to tell. Oh, so she had a type? My mother was very crafty, and she did have a type, yes. Yeah, and what did they look like? They looked like me. Oh, wow. They both looked like me. So you were your mom's type?

In a way. Well, but I also, there's some of my mom's features in there as well. Are you, which half is your mom and which half is your dad, would you say, on your body?

Oh, it's probably a straight up top to bottom. So bottom your dad, I would imagine? No, I would say just below, just below the hips, just below the thighs is where I start to really take after my mom. I have slender legs and finely turned ankles. Yeah, you're very top heavy. And then you have these little pencils. I'm like a little inverted pyramid. Sure. But not in a good way.

My legs are very precarious. You are wobbling right now, by the way. Yes, can I sit down? Do you mind? Yeah, please. I mean, I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me to say? Yes, I thought you'd like your guests standing for the show. Oh, okay. I stood for all of these. I never realized I could sit down. I thought you were at attention the entire time. Attention. Were you a military man, by the way? I was not a military man, but I was in... Because it seems to me like you would have been in Vietnam being 60. Being 60, you think I was in Vietnam? Oh.

no, you're right. Yeah. You were too young. Lucky you. You just missed it. You're thinking like a man who's not closing in on 60 himself. And you think Stixie is like, uh, it's like the Todd Glass bit. Right. Comes to my band. Um, yeah, I, I, uh, I was not in the military, but I was in the, uh, uh, the reserves, uh,

That counts as the military. Well, for the Girl Scouts. Oh, for the Girl Scouts. Just for cookies, just to sell cookies. Oh, they need some backup. They need some backup. I'm a good salesman. It's not my trade, but I am good at talking people into buying things. You've got so many people to marry you. I mean, they buy into your whole thing. I never thought of it that way, but maybe that's true. And then they get to know me and the bloom is off the rose. Yeah. Why do you think that you're so incompatible with people? What is it about you?

To be honest, I think when they find out about the previous marriages, that's a red flag. You don't tell them. Wait, okay, this is like lying by omission. It doesn't come up until after we're married. It can come up if you make it come up. It's never come up. You've been on a date. They say, have you ever been married before?

Yes, I say yes, and it did work out. 30 times. Nobody ever asked how many times. It just hasn't happened. You have to. I mean, if this is the reason you're getting so many divorces, you should tell these people. It's not the sole reason. It's not the sole reason. But a majority of the preponderance of the reason. It's mentioned most of the time.

More than a Wyclef, certainly. One time. More than a Wyclef. Let me just say it's mentioned more than a Wyclef. Any more times than one is more than a Wyclef. Any more times is more than a Wyclef.

Well, Alimony Tony is here. Did I introduce you? Yes, you did. Okay, good. I was wondering if that was still on the docket. And of course, my song parody, my nom-do song parody is Weirdimony Alimony Tony. Weirdimony Alimony Tony is here, and he was saying that he's been coming up with a very serious song parody that he wants to...

the lyrics of which he wants to debut a little later on the show. I don't think I said that. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Maybe I misheard you. You know what? Since you brought it up, I will debut it later on the show. Okay, great. There might be a time during the rest, the course of the episode where I get a little quiet. I understand. Yeah.

Where I'm letting other people talk. You brought out that thesaurus, by the way, out of your back pocket. That's right. I keep my thesaurus in my back pocket. That's right. I wonder, your butt looked so big. Well, no, it's just my thesaurus. My back is all kinds of messed up, by the way, from sitting on this thesaurus. Yeah.

It makes you taller in the chair, I have to say. Well, if I remember to take it out of the pocket and sit on it, then it's fine. But if I keep it in the pocket, then I'm sitting unevenly and it really messes up my back. What's the other book? Because you're not Lopsided. Oh, wait, is it The Fountainhead? Yes, by Ayn Rand. Yeah. I heard so much about it and I thought, I got to check out this lady's work. Thesaurus might come in handy when you read that.

Why is that? Because I don't know words. Oh, I guess a dictionary would be more appropriate. Look, I've looked at the thesaurus so much, I know a lot of words. I guess you could, if you were strapped and didn't have a dictionary. If I was carrying a gun? No, I mean, if you only had enough money for one thing, buy the thesaurus. I cannot imagine such a scenario. If you only had money for one book, and you were like, I don't know whether to get a dictionary or a thesaurus, buy the thesaurus. Walk me through this. How does it happen that I don't have enough money for two books?

I know you're independently wealthy. I'm talking about a poorer person. No, I get that. But I just, I honestly don't know because it's not my experience. I'm saying like, if you were to go into a bookstore and you go, God, look at 1995 for each of these books, I only have a 20 spot on me. Buy the thesaurus because you would be able to glean the definitions of these words by its synonyms. And the dictionary only gives you the definition and then a few synonyms, right? Yes, I suppose that's true.

But you're trying to think your way out of this one. I'm trying to say when you're using this, you need a reference book. You need a reference book because you don't know what a lot of these big words are. Right. And people are using thesaurus words all the time around you. And you're like, what is going on? You could backwards figure it out. I don't know what perspicacious means.

What does perspicacious mean? Observant. Oh, okay. See, now, if I were to look up perspicacious in the thesaurus... Maybe it means intelligent. You know what? I'm going to look it up right now. Okay. Oh, he's brought his thesaurus out. No, that's the fountainhead. You've got to switch books. That's the fountainhead. What are you doing right now? Skipping ahead to the P. Oh, that's the pages. I imagine it's P-E-R...

This is the most exciting moment in podcasting. Acute, all-knowing, apperceptive. Perceptive. Use that observant. Apperceptive. Apperceptive. What is the difference between perceptive and apperceptive? I have no idea. Okay. But if you had a dictionary, you would be able to find out. But can you from that thesaurus? I wish I had a dictionary. Let me see if it's in the fountainhead. Hold on a second. Just read it aloud, would you? The fountainhead. Chapter one. Chapter one.

The takers and the makers. Which one are you? Howard Roark knew which one he was. Is that where fake it till you make it comes from? That's exactly right. Wow. Interesting. All right. Well, check out the Fountainhead. We're running out of time. We need to go to a break. But if you don't mind reading the entire Fountainhead during the break and we'll wait for you. Well, let me just say this will take us to the break. Apperception. It's a noun. It's from psychology and it's dated.

The mental process by which a person makes sense of an idea by assimilating it to the body of ideas he or she already possesses. Ah! The derivative is contraceptive. I zoned out doing that. It comes from the mid-18th century, Charles Dickens' times.

From the French, apperception, or modern Latin, apperceptio. Wow. Wow. What an incredible moment in podcasting history. Only 13 years into Comedy Bang Bang, we suddenly have such an incredible, just dynamic moment in podcasting that people will be talking about for years and years to come. Scott, are you being sarcastic? No. No.

Are you sure? Look it up in your thesaurus. Maybe I am. I'm not sure. Yeah, I was asking because I don't know what that word means. You've never used it in your vows. Who? Can you imagine? Wedding vows that included the word sarcastic. Hey, I'm not being sarcastic when I say I love you. It would cause so much doubt in the mind of the other person. I never assumed you were being sarcastic. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom and an attorney. Wow.

A lot of, a lot of, uh, uh. Those are two different guests. Those are two different guests. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, two different people. Uh, plus more animals. It's not a person. That's right. An animal and a person. Uh, plus more alimony, Tony, who is a person, not an animal. We will be right back with more comedy bang, bang after this.

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Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I want to invite you to Arena Stage this February to see my semi-autobiographical, semi-conscious, but fully enjoyable new musical, The Bedwetter. It's a story about growing up different from everyone else, the insanity of family, being a bedwetter, and a dash of clinical depression.

In other words, it's about the year I was 10. The Bedwetter, February 4th to March 16th, only at Arena Stage. Visit arenastage.org for tickets today. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Alimony Tony is here. Hi. He's been flipping through the thesaurus. What'd you come up with? You have some interesting words to throw out to us? No. Okay. What is that a synonym for? Negatory? No.

Negatory. That sounds like CB talk to me. Yeah. Negatory, good buddy. Look out for Smokey and a plain brown wrapper. On the dirty side. We got a bear in the sky. Bear in the air. Bear in the air. It's a helicopter.

And it's time to get to our next guest. This is exciting. I'm excited. You've used the services of many attorneys. Yes, I have. Do you use a different one for each divorce? I try to stick to the same one. A couple of them have died. I think we talked about one of them in one of your previous appearances. I'm sure we probably have. We would love to have that person on the show if you ever want to bring them on. Oh, that's interesting. Sure. Maybe I will. Yeah. Maybe I'll call them up. Or her. That's right. Is it Attorney Journey?

Attorney Journey. Journey Smollett? Journey Smollett's attorney? Yes. She's fine. She didn't do anything. She didn't do anything. No, it was Jussie. Yeah, she's fine. Journey Smollett is fine. She's okay. Don't worry about her. Don't put any of the Jussie stuff on her. No, she is a different person. Yeah, totally different person. She's our own person. That's right. Very similar name. We'll give her that. They're next to each other in the alphabet, kind of. Yeah. Jussie Journey Smollett.

Jukwe? Is there a Q in there? Jukweets? Jukweets. Ote. It's a jug of buckwheat. You pour it out, and it's a breakfast. Jukweets. Jukweets. We should start selling Alamoni Tony's Jukweets. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure about that. Let's never talk about it again. Okay. We have a deal. We have a deal. Nothing about it doesn't feel right to me. Yep. All right, but let's get to him. He is an attorney. Please welcome to the show...

Oh, my gosh. Did I write down Rudy Del Muda? Robbie Del Muda. I wrote down Robby Del Muda. That's okay, Scott. That's okay. Your name is Robbie. Robbie Del Muda. Oh, okay. I didn't put the second B in. That was my problem. That's okay. Okay. Robbie Del Muda. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, Scott. I'm glad to be here.

I'm noticing Robbie, if I, and this was not made apparent to me, uh, by our booking person, but I'm noticing that you are, you have all the trappings of a certain, uh, type of person. You're very short. Uh, your, your face is very smooth. Yes. Uh,

It hasn't been ravaged by the sun yet. Not yet. You'll get there. Don't worry. But you seem to be a young person. I'm 11 years old, Scott. 11 years old. I'm 11 years old. You're 11. I'm in fifth grade. You're in fifth grade? Yes. Okay. I'm in fifth grade, Scott. And you're an attorney? Well, yes and no. Wait, I...

I don't know how those two can coexist. Much like a person with the same DNA can't be on the Earth at the same time. What? It gets transported to another dimension. Another dimension, by the way, Alimony Tony. Is that true? Another what? Dimension. Another dimension? Another dimension. Scott, I'm so glad you said that.

that this is a child because I was thinking he was and I didn't want to say it. What were the things you noticed about him that you... Well, he's small of stature. Sure. His face is very smooth. Very smooth. Not yet ravaged by the sun. Yeah. But his deep voice is a little... It threw me off, the scent. Yeah, well, I mean, not as deep as some human beings, but certainly you've gone through... True Ted Cassidy. I hate asking any person this, but you've gone through puberty, haven't you?

Scott, I've been asked a lot of questions as of late, so no topic is off topic.

Off limits and not off the table? Okay. I tell you right now, I do have a bit of a lower voice, but that's because I am trying to seem a little bit older than I am. Oh, you're putting it on. It's an affectation. A little bit. I'm currently on... Here's the deal. Okay, yeah, just tell me your deal, because a lot of people come on the show, and they don't get to their deal quickly enough. So I'm glad that you're cutting to the chase, and you're getting to your deal. Time might be short, Scott. Time might be short. I'm currently on trial, and...

I am representing myself. I don't want to be representing myself, but I'm currently representing myself in a major trial. Oh, my God. You know the old adage that... No, probably not.

Because it's old? Yeah. What is it? A client who has himself as an attorney has a fool for a client? An attorney who has himself... An attorney who comes to work... A man who defends himself in court... A man who wakes up one day. A man who... The doctor is a woman. Yes. Yes.

You know that one. The doctor is a woman. I've never heard of that. This is no help at all right now, Scott. Not a Doctor Who fan? No. What? Who? Did you see his penis? No, I've never seen anybody's penis.

How many penises have you seen? Mine. My dad's. In what situation? We go to the gym. Isn't it shocking? What are you, pumping iron with him? No, we go to the gym and then we shower afterward and they got private showers and I'm too scared to shower by myself so my dad has to shower with me. He doesn't want to but I'm not at an age where I feel comfortable yet. Isn't it a shocking thing when you see your dad's penis? Yes. You just like, what is going on? Well,

What's going on? How do I get one of those? Am I going to get one of those? Will I? Bad? Is it good or bad? He's like, we're not talking about this right now in the shower. We're at the gym. Is that what you're on trial for? No. Yeah. No. No.

No. I'm on trial for embezzlement. I've been wrongly accused. Let me get that out there right now. I've been wrongly accused. Embezzlement? So you have your own company or at least a company you work for? Scott, I'm too young to have a company. I'm 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade right now. You've

You've mentioned that. There are a bunch of people, a bunch of older men that work at a company, Granite Investments. Granite Investments. Okay. And where is this located? This is located in Wisconsin. It's located just outside of Milwaukee in Menomonee Falls. Oh, okay. And that's where you're from or the company is there? I'm from Cedar Grove, Wisconsin. It's a little bit further from Menomonee Falls. It's about a 30-minute drive. Okay. No one's really interested in those kind of details. You could just say it was like nearby. Okay.

Because this is a worldwide podcast. No one is really getting granular on like Wisconsin geography, you know? I know, Scott. It's one of the only facts you seem to know. Scott, I'm in over my head right now. Okay, let me tell you that right now. So you're reaching for things that are familiar to you. Yes, I'm just trying to make my way through this trial. Okay, I'm in fifth grade. I got a lot of homework, Scott. I got a lot of homework to get done. Okay.

And I'm not getting any of it. How did you reach this point where you're on trial for it? Scott, I was at home just minding my own business. And I look up and my parents are watching the news and my face pops up. Apparently, a bunch of these old men were embezzling money from other investors at Granite Investments.

And then they were taking some of the money and they were going to get pinned for it. But they ended up, they pinned it on me. They pinned it on an 11-year-old boy. And now I'm on trial for my life. You claim that you're the patsy in this situation. Yes, Scott. Do you know what a patsy is? Yes, I've been told many times that I can. Many times. That's more than a Wycliffe. Why? Why?

Well, I don't expect you to know who Wyclef is. He's someone with a penis. Like my dad. Do you think Wyclef ever thought, like, hey, what if I tried that Lenny Kravitz thing?

And then he tried it and no one gave a shit? I would imagine every musician when that happened was like, I'd probably do that too. It's like celebrities getting podcasts. Yeah, you gotta laugh. What if Lenny Kravitz hosted a podcast just talking about that incident? Who's the first celebrity to have a podcast? That's like the first Lenny Kravitz to let his penis fly. Adam Curry. That's true. Yeah, you invented them. So...

So, Robbie, you had no knowledge of any of this. I had no knowledge. These people, they were taking money from investors, and then they ended up pushing them into NBA trading cards, okay? They were trying to turn a profit because sports cards have made a big –

leap in popularity as of late. And then the investors are finding out. So they were like, we got to pin it on someone. Wait, so do you do you collect these? I do collect NBA trading cards as well. That's what made this so convenient for the people at Granite Investment. I don't understand this scheme, though. The Granite Investment people were embezzling money. They were embezzling money. They're investing in NBA trading cards. They were investing their their embezzled money in NBA trading to hide the money. Yes, to hide the money.

It's like laundering. Okay, were there receipts for these NBA trading cards or? No. Do you know what receipts are? I'm sorry, you seem very confused. Your eyes got wide when I said that, rather. My mom, when we're at the grocery store, my mom buys stuff. She puts it on the card and they say, do you need the receipt? And she says, no. So you've never known what one is? They just put it right into some empty bag. Why does your mom want the receipts?

She doesn't want the receipts. She says no to them. So the cashier puts them in the bag. Well, what it is is they're printed on paper. They're itemized lists of every single thing that was bought. What? Yeah, I don't know why they're necessary either. But we're buying with no paper. We're not even using the paper to pay for the things. We're not giving them paper anymore, but now they're giving us paper. Do you know what a checking account is, by the way? Yeah, the crazy things that we used to have. Oh, snap.

They're like promissory notes. Do you know what those are? No, I can, look, I can barely keep my head above water right now, okay? I'm in court. I'm trying to stay in fifth grade. I got a bully at school. I'm in a lot of trouble right now. Oh, who's bullying you? Dean Axton. Wait, this is one of the deans at the school? Yeah. Oh, no. My school has multiple deans. It's terrible when your bully is one of the faculty members. Yeah, it is. Tell me about it. Wow. Wow.

So I just don't understand why. I mean, it seems like you have you have definite links to this crime. I mean, at least I have links in the fact that I buy NBA trading cards as well. I have a similar hobby and similar to what? Similar to what? Granite investment seems like the exact same hobby. It's OK. Yeah. Am I on trial right now? All right. I'm already on one trial, Scott.

Okay. No, you, you did. We swear everyone in before they come on this podcast. I know. Trust me, I'm familiar with the process. So you can be prosecuted if you ever lie on this podcast. So I just want to make sure that you know that. But you took an oath. But, uh,

So, I mean, it is a little strange that they – I mean, I've never heard of any scheme like that of someone trying to hide the money in trading cards. Scott, I am just as bewildered as you are right now, okay? I'm sitting in that courtroom. I had an attorney to begin with, okay? Yeah, what happened? Yeah, why are you representing yourself? The attorney said, this case is –

A sham. I don't want to be part of it. So he walks out and the judge is usually when the when the attorneys say a case is a sham. They're talking about it because it's unwarranted and that makes them want to stay on it even further. Not this guy.

He walked out the door. The judge says, I don't see anybody else here for you. Did he say something like who has two thumbs is going to be representing himself? And then pointed his two thumbs at you? Yeah. Pointed them over at me. Next thing I know, I'm cross-examining witnesses. Oh, no. Are you objecting ever? Because that's something attorneys can do. What? Yeah, you can object to anything that the other person said. Scott, I've been blindsided through this whole process. Oh, that's a big part of it. I object. Quick, I got a question for you. Yeah. Hey, um...

When do you think... When do I think what? Do you think that's early... What do you think this? Scott, I'm going to lay out a scenario for you. Tell me what you're thinking. Scott.

Right when you say it, probably. Or Tony, either of you can answer this question. Oh, Tony, this one is for both of us. Okay. Do you think that... This is sort of like the three people who married you, you and Hermione, splitting up the responsibility. That's fun. Probably got a third. Yeah. Scott, let me... Tony, let me tell you, if I was in that situation, my mind would be spinning. I'd be like, I got two dads here? What's happening? I got two dads and a mom? Greg, ever get a Paul Reiser? What? My two dads. What?

Any more than two dads is more than a riser. Okay, speaking of, that's my question. Any more than two dads is a waste. Okay. Speaking of Paul Reiser, listen, here's a question I got for you. If you had preference, would you rather watch Mad About You? So you know who Paul Reiser is. My parents talk about him. You said who earlier. I did. I know you're not on trial here, and I'm not crossing the line. Well, he might not have known who Greg Evergood was. The star of BJ the Bear. Yeah. If you had to watch Mad About You, who did he play? Did he play BJ or the Bear?

Because either of those could be a monkey name. He played BJ. He played BJ. Yes, the bear was the monkey. Isn't that fun? A monkey named bear. That's like a doctor named a woman. A dog named cat. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine? By the way, we have someone from the animal kingdom coming up. Okay, so when do we think this? Go. When do you think? When do you think? Would you rather watch Mad About You or what? Or would you rather watch Mad About You or an episode of Seinfeld?

The entirety of Mad About You or one single episode of Seinfeld? Probably one episode of Seinfeld. I don't have the time to watch the entirety of it. Do you want to fight a hundred ducks or one big duck? Yes. Which one do you pick? Which one do you pick? Would you rather watch Seinfeld or fight a hundred ducks? That's a tough one. One episode of Seinfeld? One episode of Seinfeld. One episode of Seinfeld. I would rather fight the ducks, probably, to death. The Mighty Ducks? Yeah.

Okay, now we're talking my language here. Now we're talking my language. Would you rather fight Emilio Estevez and the cast of Mighty Ducks or watch one episode of Sidekick? I don't know. Emilio Estevez is unvaccinated, though, so I'm not going to... I don't know if I'd want to... I think, wasn't he fired from Mighty Ducks for that reason? Oh, that's right. He wouldn't do it. Yeah. So I don't know that I want to get that close to him. Now we're denied Emilio and Mighty Ducks 4. Clapton? Emilio Estevez and Mighty Ducks 4? What's next?

What's the next? 11-year-old on trial? That's currently. What? That's not next. No, that's now. Yeah, that's now. Yeah, it's now. A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. There we go. There we did it.

Sorry. How does that make you feel to hear that you're a fool? I'll tell you what. At least someone tells me a little bit what's going on here because I'm in a lot of trouble right now. Yeah. Yeah. So why did your lawyer leave? Because he thought the charges were so ludicrous? He called it erroneous. He called it erroneous. He walked out. There was no one else left. That's bad lawyering.

It seems like he would go, these are erroneous. I can win this. Erroneous. That's a little song parody. That's Duran Duran, by the way. There's two of them? The same name? What kind of mother is that? There's no two Robbies in my family. So how's the trial been going? Well, let me tell you.

Please do. We're in Night Court. Why are you in Night Court? Because I have school during the day. Is it fun like the John Larroquette Night Court? What? It's being rebooted with... From the Big Bang Theory. Johnny Galecki. No, no, no. Melissa Rauch. Kaylee Cuoco. Melissa Rauch, yes. You know who Melissa Rauch is. I know who Melissa Rauch is. Missy Missy Rau Rau. What? What?

That's one that I don't even know. No, my goodness. Anyways, I'm in night court. You're in night court. I'm in night court. I'm defending myself. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. There's going to be some sweet sounds coming down the night court. Is that the Seinfeld theme? Yeah.

Very close. It's the precursor. Oh, it is very close to the Seinfeld theme that I call theme. Yeah. I need to hear more of this stuff about all this stuff because I'm trying to make small talk with the jurors. There's so few songs where a bassist can truly shine. Nightcore theme, Seinfeld theme. Yeah. What else? Any Red Hot Chili Peppers? Oh, God. Can you imagine hearing Flea on Dynasty? Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty? Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty? Oh, my God. Or Dynasty on Fleek.

I can't. Wow, I can't either. I can't imagine Flea on Dynasty. I can't. You can't? I can imagine Flea over here. Yeah. I can imagine Dynasty over here and the Carringtons and the huge house and all that. I can't get these to cross over. I can't get Flea to walk over to the house. You can't imagine John Collins and Flea doing some dishy dialogue. Falling into a pool together. No, I can't even imagine it. Well, I feel sorry for you. Well, I feel sorry for you for different reasons. Oh, okay.

I don't want to get into it now. Talk to the child. What is this, my pants talking to each other here? What's going on? Your pants? Oh, now you hear each other and you agree. Got it. Okay. We're friends again. Okay. We are friends again. Got it. So you've been in night court. I've been in night court. I'm trying to get through school. My pants are like, my parents are like, I don't care. You adjusted the way you said parents for us, and I appreciate that. Yeah, trust me. Fool me once. And then what?

it. And then I'm, I'm in, I'm buying it. I'm buying it. I'm not looking back. Good to know. Yeah. My parents are like, just get, just go ahead. Get, keep your grades up. Do whatever you're going to do on your free time. We don't care. We don't want to hear it. They're not invested in this trial. They're not invested at all. They don't care one bit. They don't care. No, they don't care one bit, Scott. And I'm just like, I'm, I'm up the

Up the creek without a paddle over here. Yeah. I'm looking at serious time. Yeah, I mean, embezzlement. I mean, the minimum mandatory sentence for that must be at least 10 years or so. Yeah. Scott, could you be my lawyer? You seem to know a lot about this already. I mean, how late is this night court? I'm usually asleep by 5 p.m. It starts at 10 p.m. It starts at 10? Yeah. What kind of night court is this? It's night court.

Scott, I'm so tired during the whole trial. I'm so tired I can barely get through it. I can barely get through the nights. I mean, how long has this trial been going on? Right now, it's been two and a half months. Two and a half months? How complicated? What are they? I mean, what's all the evidence against you? Okay, there's a bunch of trading cards that look similar to the trading cards that I have. Okay.

Okay. Similar in what way? Let's see. There's a Zach Levine rookie card that I have and they also have. Okay. But they're saying that it was one and the same. They're saying it's an identical card or they're saying it's the exact card that you have? They're saying it's the exact card. And where is your card? Have you brought that in to say, no, this is my card? I will never show them where my card is, okay? It's an expensive card. I'm not giving it up for nobody. Okay, see, but this is important evidence that...

Is this why your lawyer quit? Because you said that you wouldn't offer the evidence up that would clear your name? I told him I ain't giving you nothing. Let me ask you a question. Let's cut to the chase. Let's cut to it. Which in film terms...

means editing out any of the dull moments and then cutting to the exciting chase part of it. Oh, is that what makes The Avengers so great? I love those movies. Some of the best chases. Oh, the best chases in the world. Loki's chasing Hulk. Yeah. Hulk turns around and chases Loki. Oh. They're back and forth. Yeah. It's a never-ending, it's a never-ending relationship. So let's do it like the Marvel movies where we just like cut out all the, as Eric Clapton would say, BS. Who? What? Yeah.

Have you ever been to Granite Investments? Yes, once. Once, one time. So a Wyclef. Yeah, one time I went to Granite Investments. Okay. And what did you do? What was the date and what did you do there? I went there about six months ago.

All right. Okay. I went there. It's about three and a half months before the trial. Uh-huh. And I went and I brought... It's a speedy trial. It's a speedy trial. But you have the right to a speedy trial, so I'm glad that you... Yeah. That's one thing that you did right. Yeah, but I thought speedy trial was going to be like four minutes. Ha ha ha.

I thought, fine, I'll be in. I'll be out. Okay. Can we do this on recess or what? I can get over this. I can get this over with quickly. No. I brought my basketball cards to grant investments because I was going to invest them. I was going to invest them. You were going to invest your cards? Okay. You're a kid. You don't know how this works.

Oh, don't talk down to me, Scott. I know how this works. All right. Okay. So you were bringing your cards to Granite Investments. Did you leave them there? I may have left them there for a little bit. All right. Are they still there? Well, I don't want to give away my hiding spot, but yes, they're all at Granite Investments. Okay. And where did you get the money for all these cards?

Oh, I have a paper route. Okay. A dying job. Let me tell you that right now. Oh, boy. It's a dying career. Prince, don't get me started on that. I don't want to, all right? Because I've already made the argument many times in the courtroom, all right? This show started, by the way, as a newspaper. What? And then it segued into podcasts. We were lucky. Yeah. Because Prince is dying. You were lucky to make the transition. Yeah. A lot of papers didn't. But...

Did you have obituaries in your paper? We still do during the show. Yeah. If you listen, a lot of people turn it off when they hear that you're, Oh yeah. I love the obituaries. We should, if you haven't before listeners, make sure you tune into the, let's stay for the obituaries this time. I love the obituaries and I love the opinions. But, uh,

It seems to me like the amount of cards that you own, if they're so valuable, I don't know that you would be able to buy them from just a paper route. Did you ever... By the way, what is your connection to granite? Does your father work there by any chance? My father owns granite investments. My father, who I love very dearly and will love till the day I die. He's got a bigger wong than me.

Here's a tip. Love him until the day he dies. And then you can feel however you want to feel. Oh. You don't have to love him until the day you die. Oh, okay. Yeah, unless you die first. Has that concept ever? I know it's a heavy concept for a child that you can die before your parent. What? What? No. That's not possible.

Then we're going to die at the exact same time. Oh, probably. Maybe in a car accident. We're never going to. What? We're a bus family. Wait, you all take the bus? No, we all own the bus. Oh, you own one bus? Yeah. Like the Partridge family? What? Who? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. These are difficult concepts to grasp for such a, for an 11 year old boy. It sounds like a good family though. It sounds like a good family. I'd love to be a part of it. I don't know. I, if I were you. Yeah. Yeah.

I would try, you know, maybe wear a wire and try to get your dad talking about this. When you walk through the garden. Contact the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Okay. It used to be run by Hoover. Contact the FBI. Say you're willing to wear a wire. Is that how you always introduce them?

This department used to be run by Hoover. Was he a recent? Is he a recent? Not recent at all. I just want to give you some historical context. Okay.

In case you ever watched that movie, J. Edgar Hoover, which has the aforementioned Leo DiCaprio wearing Halloween store old man makeup. Oh, boy. That was something else. No one ever talks about that. In this Leo canon, no one ever brings up that. Can you imagine spending four months?

working hard on something and then it comes out and no one ever speaks of it ever again. No one talks about it. Except right now to say how bad the mega was. Who directed it? Clint Eastwood. It's a Clint Eastwood movie. It's got Leo DiCaprio in it. No one's talking about it. And Armie Hammer, unfortunately. Maybe, oh, that's right. Maybe that's why you should do more than one take.

If you want people to remember your movie. He was the Frank Sinatra of directors. He surely was. You're not paying me to make two movies. It was weird that the other, like you expected the other characters in J. Edgar to be like, why do you look like that? What happened to you? Well, that was my House of Gucci problem. It's like anytime, what's his name? Who is it? The Joker.

By the way, that's my theory, is that it's not Jared Leto doing that performance. It's the Joker. Jim Carrey? Oh, no. He showed up. The same Joker from Suicide Squad showed up, and he's like, I want to act in House of Gucci. Imagine being an actor who looks like that already and saying, I could have done that. Why did they call me? I could have saved everybody some time. In House of Gucci, why doesn't anyone ever say, hey, why do you look like that? Why are you talking like that? Hey, how come nobody in House of Gucci doesn't just say, why don't we speak in Italian? Yeah.

Instead of doing English in these accents, why don't we just speak Italian, our native language, in our native home? Here we are in Italy talking English in Italian accents. We are here where we love to live. And occasionally saying Italian words. What's going on? I'm writing this stuff down. I've got to talk to the jurors about this stuff. You don't have to talk to the jurors. Contact the FBI. Tell them you're willing to wear a wire. Who used to run it? Do.

Jed Gerhoover. Name drop him in. Say, Jed Gerhoover used to run the FBI. Yeah. Say you're willing to wear a wire, finger your dad. What? Oh, you know what that is? I know what that is. Trust me, my friends and I laugh about it all the time. This will solve all your problems. You'll get off.

What? You'll get immunity. Say you'll do it for immunity. You get off another Prince song. 22 positions in one night stand. Oh, you know that? Yes, I know that, Scott. I'm not an idiot. I live in this world. Okay.

Well, we have to take a break, but maybe, you know, try that out during the break. Call up FBI.com or whatever. I don't know if you can call it. Call up FBI.com. See your answers. Can you call a website? I'm not sure. Call up Zappos.com. We could have been saving so much time calling these websites. Why are we typing? Why are we buying computers?

All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom. That's very exciting. We'll have more with Alimony Tony and we'll have more from Robbie Delmuda. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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And with Instacart helping deliver the Snack Time MVPs to your door, you're ready for the game in as fast as 30 minutes. So you never miss a play or lose your seat on the couch or have to go head-to-head for the last chicken wing. Shop Game Day Favorites on Instacart and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three grocery orders. Offer valid for a limited time. Other fees and terms apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Alimony Tony is here. He's been on his phone crafting something. No, I haven't. What are you talking about?

Oh, OK. What have you been on your phone doing? I've just been like looking at Twitter and stuff. OK. OK. But you are going to be debuting a parody song. Yes, which we established I've written before. Sure. Yes, of course. But yes. I'm just going to sing it at the end of the show. You're going to sing it at the end of the show. Before the obituary. Yes. Who died, by the way, this week? No spoilers. No spoilers until you get the obits. We also have Robbie Delmuda, attorney at law. Thank you very much.

Don't I just said who you were. Sorry. Are you thanking the listeners for their appreciation of you? I'm trying. I just, what I say to the judge, whenever he lets me talk or tells me to stop talking, I say, thank you very much. By the way, do you call him your honor? I call him your honor. And I'm always like, what's under there? Under where? Oh, you tricked me. God damn it, bro. The judge hasn't fall for once you have, it's worth it. I'm going to keep trying. All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest. Um,

This is a...

I mentioned someone from the animal kingdom. This is a dog. Please welcome to the show, Max. Hi, Scott. Pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me. Yeah. My pleasure. Aren't you a cute little thing? Oh, thanks. I'm sorry. I meant to say that to all my guests. Aren't you a cute little thing? Thank you, Scott. Don't say it to me, Scott. I don't want to hear it. But I can say it to a dog, can't I? Yeah. Yeah, you sure can. Thanks. Hi. So nice to meet you, Max. Yes. Max. That's my name now. But if I get adopted...

I'm willing to take any name. I haven't been adopted yet. So that's just a name I use right now. You're a dog currently on the market? On the adoption market? On the market, yeah. Oh, and is that why you're on the show? In order to get someone to adopt you? Yeah. Or do you have something else to plug? No. Just me. Just you? Just to be adopted, yeah. Oh, okay. So you want to be adopted. Your name is Max. Who named you? I'm a wolf to be adopted. Okay.

A woman named Susan who lives in Phoenix, Arizona. She is a breeder, and that's what she named me. And why is Susan getting—not getting rid of you, but putting you up for adoption? How?

Well, she put me up for adoption. Nobody bought me. They bought all my brothers and sisters. She says I'm naughty. Oh, so you're naughty by nature or nurture?

I'm naughty, I think, by nurture. Oh, so you were raised to be naughty. By Susan? I think I just came that way because everybody else got adopted. And so now I'm trying to be naughty because I was nice. Wait, let me get this straight. So you were nice. Yes, a good...

You were a good dog. Yes. Didn't get adopted, but all your brothers and sisters got adopted. Yes. So now you're trying, because you think maybe that we love bad boys. Yeah. I'm a real bad boy. You're a bad boy. Yeah. So you're a naughty dog. Yeah. I got your phone earlier, and I texted all your exes. No! Yeah. Okay, this is not typical bad dog behavior. Oh, I'm a bad dog. Are you shitting on...

No, I'm not gross. I'm not a gross dog. I'm a bad dog. You're not disgusting. Yeah, I'm not disgusting. You're pulling pranks? I don't even lick my crotch. Yeah, I guess just a little naughty things like I invited your neighbors over for dinner. Oh, no. I don't have any food in the refrigerator. What? You don't have any food in the refrigerator? Nothing? That's sad. I just have baking soda.

Oh, wow. What's its purpose? It's a no-food fridge. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, this is a disaster. When are they coming over? The invite says... You put out a whole invite? Yeah. This is like a paperless post? Yeah. I got... You hacked into my paperless post account? I hacked into your paperless post account. Those things cost money. Yeah, I know. And I upgraded you to more paperless posts. Paperless post prime?

Yes. Triple P? Yes. Triple P. And so it's supposed to happen tonight starting at 12 a.m. 12 a.m.? This is a terrible time for dinner. I know, but I said you must come. Has anyone RSVP'd? Everybody.

Yes or no? Yes. Because I said you must come? Yes. Oh, my God. I'm not going to be able to make it, just to be clear. You're in court. I'm in court. Why aren't you in school today, by the way? Since it is a school day, as we've established it's a court day, which can only be during the week. I've had enough. Oh, wait, you're not going to school anymore?

school anymore? I don't want to hear what Mrs. Bunker has to say. I don't care about my fifth grade teacher. I'm not doing any social studies. I don't care about imperialism. Wow. What are they teaching? CRT? What? Never mind.

Well, I mean, you seem like, I mean, you're a naughty dog, definitely. Yeah. But, I mean, it seems like you also seem very nervous. I'm very excited. Oh, you're excited? And a little nervous. Being bad's new to me, so it makes me a little nervous. But whatever really gets me home and some maybe belly scratches and...

Have you ever had a belly scratch before? No. Susan doesn't even do that. What does Susan, I mean, what is her deal? Does she run a kill shelter? What is... She runs...

She does run a kill shelter. Like I said, she's a breeder and she runs a kill shelter. So sometimes it's just a straight pipeline from... Really? So just right from the vagina to the gas chamber? Yeah, right from the vagina to the gas. Is that how they kill the dogs in kill shelters? I don't know, Scott. Do you know what these things are? Kill shelters? Yeah.

I mean, I've heard of them, but I don't want to ever want to see them. It's a good metal band name. It's a good metal band name. It's almost an oxymoron kill shelter. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. You think a shelter is a safe place and kill is obviously not safe. Yeah. Do you know about oxymorons, Robbie? Yeah, I'll tell you what. I think Dean Oxton is an oxymoron. All right, very good. Hey, you know who's a real oxymoron? Rush Limbaugh. Remember that guy? Yeah.

Oh, wow. He was addicted to Oxy and he was a moron. Now he's in hell. Oh, wow. I see morons from hell. Uh-oh, Richard Lewis will be mad at you. So you have no idea when you're... But I mean, time must be running out.

Yes. Time is, I can't stress this enough. Time is running out. I would love to be adopted. I'm a little naughty boy, a little scamp. Maybe you're into that. Right. Yeah. I mean, chicks love the bad boys. That's very true. Now, hold on a second. Does your naughtiness extend to destroying household property? I would never, I don't chew slippers. I don't chew on things I'm not supposed to. Oh,

Oh, never. Are you sure you're not lying? I'm sure I'm not lying and I've never done it before. Okay, okay. Sorry. I retract my question. Yeah. So your naughtiness is more just things that are... Yeah. I made all your... When I was waiting, I made all your toilet papers spicy. Spicy.

I'd rather you chew on the remote. I won't do it. Can we go back? I won't do it. No. Those are regular dog things. How did you accomplish this? It is very special. If I use that toilet paper, I'm going to have like a Favreau chef kind of situation where I say, ow, my butt is on fire. And that sounds fun, right? That keeps you on your toes. You know, a lot of people got dogs because of what we're going through, and I've

I feel like I'm keeping life interesting, you know? It's like, what am I maybe going to wake up to? I guess, but I don't know that I want to be always on defense when I'm at home. Okay. You know? I mean, usually home is where I relax, where I heart. You're on offense. On home, you're on offense. Yeah. You like to attack. Yeah. You like to get after it. Cool, I'm on defense. I'm on offense. Yeah.

Is Co-op still single? No. When was she ever single? No, I mean, I met Mary and I met Matt. I wish we could get together.

I mean, I'm going to be single soon. I'm just... Okay, no, she's off limits to you. I'm sorry. And again, I'm sorry there's no one here in the backyard for you to marry. That's all right. I respect it. But if she comes down here, no, she is otherwise engaged. Understood. Understood. Oh, she's just engaged. Scott, I love cool up. Oh, you do? I would be such a good boy for cool up. Well, we already have two... I know, two dogs. Yeah. I don't know that we're taking on any more clients. Oh.

Okay, well, maybe a trial situation or something like that. Oh, no, that's what Robbie's going through, unfortunately. Don't remind me. Robbie, do you have any pets or anything? Yeah, do you have any pets, Robbie? Yeah, Robbie, any pets? Do you have time for that? Any best friends you need? Yes, I have a dog. Man's best friend. You have a dog? His name is Baxter. I love him.

He sleeps with me at night, but I'm never home anymore. So now he sleeps with my sister. Oh, no. Why does everything you say sound like the biggest tragedy? I know when you're that young. Yeah. But I mean, this is in terms of like everything going on in your life. That's not the worst thing. By the world is constantly crashing down around me.

But what about Alimony Tony? He's about to be divorced and he's going to be alone for a little bit. Maybe he can use the body. Do you have room in your heart or house or place for a dog? I have plenty of room in my heart, plenty of room in my house, but I'm definitely allergic. Not to me. Not to me. I'm a hypoallergenic dog. I'm a hypoallergenic dog. Those are the ones I'm allergic to. Yeah. No. I feel my throat closing up as we speak. Are you serious? Yeah. I'll get shaved. I'll get shaved. Wait a minute.

Wait, who's this? Who do I sound like? I feel like I sound like somebody else. Somebody who was on the show last week, I think. Here, here, let me blow on it. Thank you. I inflated it. You inflated my wood pipe. Thank you. No problem. I'm sorry, Max. I'm willing to do that for any game. I'm sorry, Max. It's a no for me, dog. For this reason, he said.

My Christmas? You want to know about my Christmas? Well, two of my brothers and one of my sisters straight up died. Oh, no. I guess that is sad that Maximus is sleeping with your sister. Hubba hubba. But...

I don't think that's a way to get him interested in adopting you by saying his sister is attractive. I mean, I'm just assuming that she's attractive if a dog is sleeping with her. Hubba hubba. And if she looks anything like you, a little bit

Does hubba hubba mean the same thing to you? Good question. Or is that just dog speak for like rough rough? What am I saying right there? Oh, don't do that. Don't say that. Scott's canceled. Scott's canceled by dogs. I guess we're not the Animal Kingdoms podcast anymore. Open up that notes app. Never mind. Anyways, my siblings, they wonder...

They were, we were all playing. Yeah. You want to know? Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean I have to talk about it, but I will. Um, we were all playing outside in the yard and we were in a little puppy pile and we took a nap behind a little car tire.

Oh, no. My word. Yeah. Oh, no. And then Susan was going out. This was Susan's car? Yeah. Oh. And then Susan was going out and she started a car. Going out on Christmas? Yeah. Where was she going? Get smokes. Oh.

Oh, no. Susan. Yeah, she ran out of cigars and she had to get more. And she said she had to get more. Like Swiss or sweets? Or are we talking big Cubans? Yeah, we're talking Cubans. Pack a day? Pack a day? Oh, yeah, pack a day. Pack of cigars at

Pack of Cubans and her dealer could only meet her on Christmas. So she started the car and we scrambled out of the way because we heard it. But scrambling out of the way, they wandered off a little cliff. Oh, no. Yeah. So they didn't get run over. They just wandered off.

off a cliff. Yeah, they got stuttered and then they wandered off the cliff and they were fine. They were fine when they fell off the cliff? How did they die? They just tumbled. I'm getting to that. Are you calling this a car accident? Because that would get...

No. Oh, okay. Why would I call it a car accident? Get to the death, please. I'm trying. Max is not on trial here, by the way. Yeah. I just want to know what it feels like to be on the other side for a moment. Watch yourself, counselor. A pack of wolves got him. Oh, no. Yeah, picked him up in their little mouth, but they thought that they were their own wolves.

puppies so they were fine so they raised them yeah they raised them as wolves they raised them as wolves and then they killed them

Oh, no. Why did they kill them? Do you know? They raised them first and then they killed them? That's cruel. Only for a couple weeks. Yeah, I don't know. We lost touch. Did they suddenly admit they were dogs and they felt so betrayed that they were like... I guess. I don't know. We lost touch after they fell off the cliff because I stayed. Wait, wait, wait. They might still be alive.

Oh, wow. We don't read their names in the bits at the end of the show. Oh, yeah. Listen to the obituaries at the end. OK. And if those names aren't in there, what were the names again? Oh, as far as far as I know, Dottie, Shelby and Jacob. OK. Dottie, Shelby and Jacob. I'm looking at the bits. All right. So, you know, already. I know already. Yeah. You're going to want to listen to the bits. OK. All right.

It seems like either way I'd, yeah, Warren. So rather than just tell him now, you say, wait and listen. Ah,

You're heavily implying that they're dead, but you're still making it back. Stick around. Stick around for the events. I got nowhere to go, so I'll stick around. Yeah. All right. Look, we're running out of time. Do you want to do your song parody after the plugs or before the plugs? After the plugs. Okay. We're running out of time. Okay, great. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. Plugs.

Oh,

Oh, wow. It was beautiful. Beautiful. That was Anna McNallan with Jeremy Piven Plugs. Boy, do we need to rebrand as the Jeremy Piven Plugs section? Maybe so. I mean, that was a parody of Jeremy Piven to you. Jeremy Piven to you, yes. An early deep cut on the show. Thank you so much, Anna, for that. Please send in your... So she did all the...

the vocals. She multi-tracked herself. She doesn't credit anyone else on this. Oh, what if she didn't do them all and she's just being a jerk? Yeah. Who knows? Although Anna and Mick and Alan could be two totally different names. True.

Doesn't have to be a first name and a surname. Still one person not getting credit. Yeah, that's true. All right, guys, what do we plug in? Alamony Tony, you want to plug anything here? Yeah, I'd like to plug, you know, I like to watch shows online that I can't be. I like to watch. I like to watch shows online that I can't see in person. And I watch these shows on Vimeo. It's called Varietopia. It's hosted by this guy, Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, he's married to the person that I was talking about earlier. That guy? Yeah.

That's bananas to me. But okay. That he's married to Janie? Yes. It doesn't make any logical sense. It doesn't make any sense to me at all. But yeah, I mean, but- I don't know how he pulled that off. It happened. But what he does- This is the alternate earth where it happened. What he does, the alternate earth where it happened. Hamilton. But also, see, my song parodies devolve into-

Just you saying something, and then I take an existing song, I say the phrase you just said, but the rest of the actual lyrics. Okay, so Vimeo and this guy's shows. They have teamed up. It's variety shows. Vimeo and this guy's shows. He puts his variety shows on Vimeo. I feel like you're interfering with the plug that I desperately want to get out there. You want to get it out. Yes.

So he puts these variety shows on Vimeo and you can find them at bit.ly, you know, the bit.ly slash pft-vod. Interesting. And you see these wonderful variety shows. Bit.ly, pft, vod.

This is what it means to me. VOD. This is what it means to me. Okay. And you can see these wonderful variety shows online. You can buy them. They're up there for purchase. Whoa. How many does he have up there? Right now, I think there's four up there, plus two improvisation shows called Spontorco. Okay. Fantastic. Robbie, what do you want to plug?

Let's see. First off, I want to plug. First off, you have more than one thing. Is that allowed? Because I have another thing. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Do your other thing. Also, Varietopia is happening live. I'm hoping to see this March 6th. You want to be there in person. There's an early bird show at 530 p.m. on a Sunday. That's Denny's. Exactly. Here's the thing. You go see a fun show. Then you go home for dinner.

At that point, maybe you go out for dinner. Yeah. What an evening. Wow. And that's March when? Madness. March 6th. Sunday, March 6th. Sunday. 5.30 p.m. Tickets are on sale now. Wow. PFT.com slash live. So email that website. No. PaulFTomkins.com slash live. PaulFTomkins.com slash live. That's for the live show in Los Angeles. All right. Great. Jesus Christ. It was good.

No, that's what I meant. He made it all possible. All right. Robbie, what do you want to plug in? Okay, first off... Oh, jeez. Back to first off. I want to promote my innocence. And second off, I'm selling a Giannis Antetokounmpo rookie card because, let me tell you what, lawyer fees are not cheap. Wait, but you're...

You're just paying yourself. Yeah, but I got to eat lunch every day. And I got to eat that over there by the courthouse. And the food there is expensive. Oh, no. That's true. Why is the courthouse food so expensive? It's unbelievable. Max, what do you want to plug? Just me. Yeah. Just please...

just figure out how to adopt me would be great. That's all. Okay. I want to plug, hey, cbbworld.com. We have some great shows over there. We,

We have that Randy Snuts show that just was on. We did the aforementioned Flashdance episode with Janie Haddad-Tompkins. And we have something, some cool stuff coming out this week. So check that out. I'm interested. You're interested? Yes, I am. Okay. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Take one hand, put it up. Don't take, don't take the other, put it up. Blah, blah, don't close, blah, blah.

All right, guys, that was, by the way, thank you. That was the Victor manslaughter. Don't close the plug bag. Thank you for that remix.

Guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, Robbie, good luck to you. Thank you. Thanks for having me on here. Will you come back and update us about what happens with the trial? I mean, you can't come back from prison, obviously. Right. I can't come back from prison. They let me know that several times unless I make a daring escape. So you're already, you've moved on mentally to escaping from prison. I got a bunch of bed sheets already.

You're not allowed to bring your own bed sheets into prison. But my skin. Max, good luck to you. I mean, this may be the last time we ever speak, but stick around for the obits. No, I'm so excited in those.

Excited and nervous for the abits? Yes, for life. Okay, maybe we'll be talking about you next week on the show. Oh, wow. And alimony, Tony. It's that time, is it not? Oh, is it that time? Did we close up the plug bag? We've closed up the plug bag, yes. Was there a song? There was. We just heard it. Oh, okay. I was lost in thought. Yeah. Speaking of songs. Speaking about the Susan.

Oh, yes. So this is the aforementioned parody of the Star-Spangled Banner called A Bar-Mangled Manor. A Bar-Mangled Manor. And it's about some Americans that built a bar inside Downton Abbey and they wrecked the place. Okay. Okay.

Oh, Lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while O'Brien was cleaning? Seems the Yanks built a bar out of Lord Grantham's sight. There was rumble.

There was scotch. Mr. Carson started careening. Mrs. Hughes drank her share. Bates let down his slick hair. Edith got tight. Mrs. Patmore got bare. And the way that that dowager counted.

Play ball! That's right. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. And today's Comedy Bang Bang obituaries are Dottie, Shelby, and Jacob. Rest in peace.

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