Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Mandell Maughan, Mary Sohn, Mitra Jouhari, Nicole Parker
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and it is time again for another bonus bang. Bonus bangs, of course, being episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have recorded previously, even though every single episode of Comedy Bang Bang has been recorded previously, but I mean ones that are so old that they're

that they're out behind a paywall that we re-release on Thursdays to let you listen to them. And actually, this is not an old episode. Well, let me tell you what we're listening to. This is, of course, the sixth and final bonus bang in our Morimoni Tony series featuring the Paul F. Tompkins character Alimony Tony. And this week, instead of re-releasing an old Comedy Bang Bang episode...

We are releasing something from CBB Presents. CBB Presents, of course, are the shows that we have at CBB World where characters from Comedy Bang Bang host their own shows. This episode that we are releasing is the Alimony Tony Valimony Shoney. It features Alimony Tony, of course, Paul F. Tompkins, as he reconnects with a number of his beloved ex-wives,

played by Mandel Mon, Mary Sohn, Mitra Juhari, and Nicole Parker. It's a really fun episode. Never been out from behind the paywall, but here it is for you. I think you're going to enjoy it. Plus, if you like this and you want to hear more from Alimony Tony, there's at least one Alimony Tony Valimony Shoney that we did in 2024 and perhaps another one for this year.

Well, then you can subscribe to CBB World in the Maximus tier and hear all of those things, as well as get every single episode of Comedy Bang Bang that we've released, as well as every live episode we've ever done. All of our archives, all other CBB Presents shows, all of that and more on CBB World. Check it out. Until then, enjoy this CBB Presents, the Alimony Tony's Valimony Shoney. CBB Presents.

Hi folks, the name's Alamodey Toaday I'm writin' those checks and that's no baloney I've got the funds so I spread the wealth now

I got my checkbook out and here I go. Gonna send that dough. I said yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I like to pay. Ballet money. Ballet money.

Mail. Provide. Transfer. Wire. Deliver. Stop by with. I said yeah. Yeah. Okay, that's enough. That's enough of that. Oh.

Hello, everybody, and welcome one more year to Alamode Tony's Valamode Shoney. This is the day after Valentine's Day. And as always, I've gathered with a handpicked selection of some of my wonderful ex-wives to just chat about love, loss, and everything in between, which I guess is life. I think it starts with love.

Then life continues, and then you lose life, you're dead. And you'll probably know that voice making those little noises. It's me. That's right. Are you going to give me an introduction? Yes, of course I am, dear. Now, hold on a second. First of all, I think everyone who listens to the show, of course, knows you already. But you are my third XY. Number three. That's right.

And who could it be but Belinda Rogers? That's right. Of course, you can call me Bea or Linda, but Belinda's fine as well.

B or Linda? B or Linda. Now, it used to be just Linda, but you've added B. I like B. I think in my older age, B is more fitting. When did you add B? Here's the thing. Belinda was already taking too much time. Linda was taking a little too much time. B, we get to it. That's right. Who do you need? B. I need B. I want B. Get over here, B. Have you thought about changing your name to just Brodgers?

Well, I have now. Okay. It's Rogers. Rogers. Well, uh, thank you as always for being here every year. It's so nice to see you. Of course you don't look, uh, you haven't aged a day. Uh, I don't know how you do it. Uh, maybe you're bored with it. Um, but, uh, for people who are listening for the first time, uh,

Melinda Rogers, excuse me. Thank you. And I used to be married, but I also used to be married to many, many, many people because I'm just a hopeless romantic. I follow love easily, quickly and deeply, but they haven't all worked out.

I'd like to think we're all special, though, in our own way. Well, of course you are. I don't mean to imply that you're interchangeable. You're all different. And I married you all for various wonderful reasons. But it didn't work out. Do you want to name a few of the reasons you married me?

Just to give examples. I liked, here's what I liked about you. And it's still true today, is you're a real girl boss. And I liked that you were- Stay in line. No, stop it. That's right. All the things bosses say. Stop it. You were type A, as they say. Organized to the max. Where's my to-do list? I like to say you were type negative A, like you were ahead of A. Yeah.

You like that? I love it. Oh, you love me. It's the kind of thing that got us going during our marriage. That's right. And our marriage lasted, one of my longer marriages lasted two years. And we had a real good time, I think, for a while. For a year and a half. And then that last six months, boy. Yeah.

It wasn't my fault. No. Here's the thing. It very seldom is. My fault. Your fault or the fault of my various other ex-wives. And yes, I've had a few. I'm in the high 30s now of divorces. Is it high 30s now? Yes. And why don't you know the exact number?

Well, I've heard you refer to it before. It's high 30s. I'm just, is it 37, 38? It's almost like being embarrassed of your age. I don't like to put the exact number on it because- Then it must be 39. It's 39. Yeah. I'm on my 39th divorce. It's being finalized as we speak. I can do it by docuside now, which is great. Okay.

And that has saved me a lot of time. And then allows me to get right to the part I love the most, which is paying alimony. Boy, do you love it. I love it. You love it. Why do I? I, Rogers, I puzzle over this.

All the time. Because I know the joy that it gives me. You won't even do direct deposit. You love signing the check. I love signing the check. You love a paper check. And you know, I have a different pen for each wife. You hand deliver them every month to each person. Yes, yes, yes. If I can. Sometimes I'll do a task rabbit.

But mostly I stop by in person. And for me, it's a great day. I'm driving around and I'm delivering. You dress up. You're doing a little dance. You're skipping around. You're dressed up. You've got the mail in your little bag, your satchel that's thrown over your shoulder. I bought a mail truck just to do it.

And I wear my own uniform of my own design because I don't want to be accused of stolen valor. Excellent touch. I love the uniform, by the way. Thank you. That only came into play just a few years ago, and I think it's a great touch. I love it. Thank you. People, I hope you notice this, but the stripe doesn't go down the side of the leg. It goes around the thigh. And I think that is... It makes it stand out. That's so people know, oh, he's just having fun. Yes. You know what I mean? Right.

And so you are still, thankfully, you are still accepting my alimony checks. Oh, of course. And even though you don't... Let me tell you something, folks. Rogers, the last thing she needs is any man supporting her. No. I have my own business. You have your own business. And tell folks about that. Well, I'm an event planner. Yes. But I only do funerals. That's right. I saw a hole in the market and I thought...

I'm going for it. And you decided not to call yourself a funeral director. No, no, no, no, no. That's so passe. That's so passe. Besides, funeral directors, they just plan the funeral. I do from beginning to end. And I'm not talking about the life. I'm not there for the birth. No, you're not visiting people. New parents in the hospital saying, okay, I've got some brochures. Although,

Although if you pay ahead of time, you do get a discount. So that is something to think about. Which I have. You know, yes. Absolutely. You fixed me up with a nice package and it's almost like I can't wait to die. You got the works. The works.

The works. Yeah, I went for the works, which it's called in the brochure. And it includes a minimum of three celebrities to give a sincere toast at your wake. And it's a surprise who the celebrities are. Exactly. It's a surprise when they show up. Yes. Which is really for your loved ones. Oh, yes. Yes. Absolutely.

You know, I do the party afterwards. I even do the reading of the will. What I like to do for that is I call in the lawyer. I call in the people that are on the will. And then I have a few surprise guests you don't know who's getting what or if you're getting anything. So you have people show up that may or may not be members of the family. Who knows? Only I do. Only I do. And sometimes these people are dressed like fanciful costumes. Let's make it fun. It's a party. I think one time you had a man in a gorilla suit there. Uh-huh.

Yes. And who actually turned out to be a son-in-law. And he was left, I think, $1,000. And I only had him speak gorilla while he was there. Just to keep character, you know? Keep character. This is the number one. It's the golden rule of event planning, especially at funerals. Keep character. Absolutely. And do you have any big funerals happening right now? Oh.

Boy, do I. I mean, you always do. Yes. Who's dead? Do you remember our old neighbor, Maggie? She wasn't old then, but old neighbor, previous neighbor, Maggie. Maggie Peanuts? Yes, Maggie Peanuts. Guess how she died? Are you? No, Brodgers. Are you going to tell me? Would I joke about that? She choked on some peanuts. She did. Should have seen it coming, but none of us did.

None of us did. Because she would gobble those peanuts. She stopped chewing them. She'd just swallow them back. She'd just shell and everything, just throwing them back. She would put a peanut on her tongue and then take a glass of water and say...

Kids from around the neighborhood would gather around just to watch her do it. It was a whole circus. Those kids were flabbergasted. Oh, Maggie, Maggie. Maggie, Maggie. I can still hear them. I know. Backwards baseball caps and the skateboards. Well, you can't hear them anymore because she died. Oh, oh, I bet. The kids. Yeah, we don't hear the kids. She died. Oh, you don't hear the kids because she died. Yes, they're not calling for Maggie. They're not calling for a ghost. I thought she took some with them. Yeah.

That would have been hilarious. So Maggie, by the way. So Maggie. Maggie hated kids. And she often said, I wish murder was legal for children. Maggie. She was a hoot. She was a real hoot. She used to have those dinner parties. Right. And I remember that. He served peanuts. And she served peanuts. Everything was made out of peanuts. Mm-hmm.

Peanut butter, peanut brittle. A peanut loaf. Peanut. Oh, God, the peanut loaf. Yes. Oh, the peanut loaf. God, if I could get my hands on that recipe. Well, you probably could, right? Well. Can you rifle through her stuff? You know. How does it work? I mean, actually, since I'm in charge of the funeral, I have access to an entire home. That's right. All her belongings. Yes. And you can always say it's for the ceremony. Yeah. What have you rented out at the ceremony?

And said, here is the peanut loaf. Or if you've got somebody famous to do it. Yeah, I'd rather, you know, I don't like to take part. It just, that feels like it's crossing a professional line. Of course. If I take part of the, I mean, obviously I'm there to mourn our friend and celebrate her life. Yeah. Which is why, which is my whole, you know, goal when I'm planning these events. Yeah. Celebration. Yeah. But I think that hiring someone to sing the recipe. Yeah.

You know what? This is just coming to mind. Who would it be? Like a fat boy slim? Well, I'm sorry. Am I not? Am I not?

Am I not looking at a professional singer? What now? You know that I'm- Right, eye to eye with a professional singer? You know the last thing I had was a professional singer. Oh, well, you were to me? Well, you always, you of all my wives always appreciated my singing voice, which I think is, I could carry a tune. But of course, I love, as you heard in the opening, I love to write song parodies. I'm just learning now that they are parodies. I thought they were original. Oh, you thought they were the regular song? Original?

Oh, no, I feel terrible. Oh, why not me? I feel like I've accidentally lied to you. What a talent. What a talent I was married to. So you thought I was writing all these songs? I did. And I thought, what a clever man. I mean, that's why I fell in love with you. It's actually nice to hear now that that's not the case. Yes. Because it really separates. Oh, that was a good decision, you know, to divorce him. Right, right, right. He's not an original songwriter. Yes, and all the songs were about paying alimony. And I'm sure that was a red flag at some point. Yeah.

Yes and no. Yes and no. Okay, walk me through yes and no. You know, working in the business that I do and working with different celebrities, stars, performers, I looked as your professional singing career as you were playing a character.

Yeah. You know, and that character liked playing alimony. Because remember, when we were married, there were only two previous wives. That's true. You know, so is three make a pattern? I don't know. I don't think so. It does. That's exactly what makes a pattern. Well, sure, one could say that, but...

I mean, when you're in love, you ignore the red flags. And I don't really think, I mean, if there were 10, then maybe I'd say, hey, should I look into that? 39, okay, maybe beware. But, you know, three, whatever.

I was a girl in love, you know, Babe Ruth's number, which obviously. Babe Ruth's number was number three. I didn't know that. Well, you know, I'm a huge Babe Ruth fan. I know. You don't really care for baseball, but you are a huge Babe Ruth fan. Well, for his other hobbies and I mean, he was a. Boring and drinking. Yes. Yes.

Getting syphilis. Yes. Yes. And did he do it well? He really did. Did he do it well? He really did. I think he still holds the record in the major leagues for most syphilis gotten. Well, Rogers, I'm so happy that the business is going gangbusters. Boomy.

And it's not surprising to me at all. But what do you say we welcome some of our other guests? And I don't think you've met any of these ladies. I am so excited to meet the ladies who we share so much in common. So much. I mean, one thing, at least. Well, that's enough. That's enough to make a best friend. Sometimes it is. I mean, you know, who, what was it? Was it fast fashion who said people are people? Yeah.

All right. We're going to bring in, this is an ex-wife of mine. This is a right smack dab in the middle. This is number 16. This is wife number 16. And her name is Jodi Cassarelli. Jodi, what a pleasure to see you. Oh, Jodi.

How have you been, darling? Oh, my God. Is it just me? I feel like the energy is palpable. Oh, my God. There's something that's so magical when I get together with some of the ex-wives and just go stroll down memory lane, and I'm so excited to watch them meet each other. Well, brony. Brony. Sorry, brogers. You're thinking of me because I'm a brony. Exactly. Oh, my God. How

How could I? I was practicing in my car all the way here just to say hello to you because you are a girl boss and the boss of all of our house. Stop it. Don't. I'm just kidding. She loves to hear it. She loves to hear it. Well, you are just gorgeous. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous, isn't she? How did you let this one get away? Well, things didn't work out. What did happen with us? Because we were married for three months.

And I want to say the first two and a half months were heaven on earth. Oh, it was like a vacation away from real life. And then I needed a vacation from my vacation. Sorry. Sorry to say it. That does happen. That does happen. We grew apart. I want to say two and a half months and one day in. And and.

And we just wanted different things. It's true. It's true. I wanted you to be more hands-on and you did not want to recognize the invisible work. That's right. That's right. There was a term that was new to me and I thought it was made up. I thought, well, things are not invisible. That's from H.G. Wells. And it

It took me years to understand what you were talking about. And I want to say, I know I've said it before, but I want to say it again. I'm sorry. And I wish I could have been a better husband to you. Tony, I can't stay mad at you. Oh, my God. That gorgeous. You can if you want, but I'm glad you don't. No, no, no, no. It's all water under the bridge. You know, I was actually just thinking about the day we met. Did you say you were sexually thinking about it? That's what I heard. I was. I was sexually thinking about it.

It's kind of like a mindful meditation. It's like, I'm going to get in my sex zone now. I've heard of this. I've heard of this. You have? Yeah. How long are you meditating for? Oh, 30, 45 minutes. Wow. And this is as I'm driving. This is as I'm operating the bus that I drive. Like, just, you know, I'm picking and choosing. Yeah. I remember. And, of course, driving a bus is what you wanted to do. Exactly. And I just...

I couldn't see it. I just couldn't see it. I thought it was, I thought you just had a, it was a pipe dream, but I thought she's never going to be able to ride, drive that bus. And, and then you did it. You did it. You sure showed me. Thank you so much for acknowledging that because do you remember, I would support all of your dreams. Oh, absolutely. 100%. Every pipe dream. Every one of my pipe dreams. Do you remember, do you remember I was going to build an underground tunnel? Yeah.

from here to the bank. So I didn't have to take surface streets to get new checks because I constantly have to refill my checkbook. Exactly, exactly. And so I thought, I want to spend that time picking out a background picture for the checkbook. I don't want to be driving, waiting at red lights and so forth. Of course. And you said, you could do it, Tony. And of course I couldn't. And legally, there's so many things you're not allowed to do. No, you're not. No.

and whatnot. So much zoning. Uh,

you made good use of that space. You had what the murder mystery there. I had the murder mystery hole where I would invite people over and I would say, let's get this hole. And I would say, cover the hole. There's been a murder. But then, then there actually was a murder, which was not what you were expecting. No, it certainly was not what I was expecting. The lights went out and one of my guests just lost it and just started swinging a knife around. Um, and it was a butter knife, but really did some damage. Um,

And, yeah, I moved away from that house because I felt like, you know, bad memories. Bad juju. Yeah. But also, you know, just the way you would be like, Joanie, my friends are coming over. There's 12 of my closest, most judgmental friends. You need to...

you know, get a dinner together. And that's what I meant by the invisible work. Right. Right. Oh, I see that now, of course. Right. Of course. And, you know, me, if I'm going to throw a dinner party, I'm going to do it right. That's right. Well, the one dinner party that you did throw during our two and a half months together.

well, technically three, was a glorious affair. And I remember, I thought, am I in one of these salons from the roaring 20s Paris? Everyone's so, they're positively glittering, these people. And they were all bus drivers. That's what I wanted to show everyone. Like, the ideas that you have about bus drivers, it's not real. We're actually very classy people. Absolutely. Absolutely. Now, did they take a couple of your belongings? Yes.

Yeah. A good night, no? Do you think they took some of my belongings because I was in some way insulted them? You were being a little braggy. Was I really? You were being a little braggy, yeah. What was I saying? You were just like, oh, I don't even care about these things. I got 12 of each of them. Yeah.

You know what? And they were right. I don't blame them in retrospect. Seems like you were asking for it, no? I think I was asking for it. I remember the wine was flowing and I was deep in my cups for sure. And at one point, I think the last memory I have of the evening is drinking a bottle of olive oil and saying, you can just drink it. It's good. Yeah.

You've heard some of that. You've heard some of that. What I loved also was that your friends, the bus drivers, were all wearing their dress uniforms. Oh, yeah. They put their darks on. Yeah. Yeah. They put their darks on. Mm-hmm. They knew. They knew. They said, if we're going over to Tony's house, this is going to be where we show out. Yeah. They put their buses in park. They each drove their own bus. Their own bus. And as you said, in the e-fight, you said it's going to be limited space.

And yet those guys were doing wheelies in the parking spots. And, you know, they were doing wheelies in the parking spot. Just on two. That's right. Two wheels. Two bus wheels. Yeah.

I've never seen the like. Oh, the lawn was ruined. But that night, it felt so magical. It really did. And can I just say, brothers, when I looked at Tony's eyes that night, I felt like he actually saw me. Did you feel like that in your marriage? For the first year and a half, absolutely. He's got those eyes. It looks right into your soul. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Some people say that I don't have bedroom eyes, I have living room eyes. Because people can see, I look at you like we're going to spend a life together. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm taking back. I'm going to my sexual space again, I guess. Oh boy. Are we meditating? Are we going there? We can do a group med after the show. Oh yeah? I love that. Yeah.

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including important safety information about risk for thyroid C-cell tumors at www.vitaminshop.com slash GLP-1 weight loss. Let me ask you something. How is the busing going? What's new in busing these days? Oh, I was mandated to stop. You were mandated to stop? I was mandated to stop. Who issued this mandate? Oh, the school districts.

Yeah. Oh, so you switched over to school. I did school. Yeah. I did public for a while, then school. And I did a little bit of flair because the kids liked it in the bus. Right. And they said that was illegal and it was dangerous. So I just got the bus out there. You know, sometimes I let some kids hang out in there, smoke weed because I'm kind of cool like that. Right. But yeah, those days are over. So I guess some of the parents got wind of this. They went to the school board. Yeah. Yeah.

And you've always been a proponent of marijuana legalization. Always. For as long as I've known. Get them out, I say. Get them out. Yes. And I think at one point you said it should be mandatory. I said, if there isn't a dispensary by your school –

Then what are you doing? Exactly. Put THC in the water supply. Exactly. We're going to put fluoride in there. Why don't we relax, everyone? Exactly. Chill out, everyone. Chill out. And so what do you now, since you're not driving the school bus, what are you doing? Well, you know, that space under the house. Yeah. I'm doing my own murder mystery. So you've stayed, you've moved back into that house.

Yeah. When did that happen? Well, because, you know, you were giving me all those checks and I said, oh, my God, these have really piled up. I'm going to get myself a space. And that one was on the market. And it was so cheap, probably because of the murder that had taken place. Because you have to disclose it. Yeah, you do. And then it brings the price way down. You know, you have to disclose it, but you don't have to, like, act it out, which I shouldn't have done. That's a shame. I said it was like this. And then I, you know, I turn around.

Turn on the lights. We're going to put a knife around. And so you're hosting now Murder Mysteries. I am. And it's all done with like ambiance. So I'm doing a lot with lighting. I'm doing a lot of scents. Yeah. And I'm one of the characters. What are some of the scents you do? Well, one of them is based off of you, Tony. No. Yeah. You've put me in the Murder Mystery? Mm-hmm. Well, this is... Should I be flattered? Of course.

Of course. That's everyone's favorite. Is it really? Yeah. So what happens with the Tony character? Well, I turn off all the lights, make sure there's no knives in there. That's right. And then I just spray a bunch of Acqua di Gio. Yes. My signature scent. Yeah. I still wear it. And then I do just a couple of loud breathing noises. Nice.

Just like someone's sleeping in there. Oh, I see. So slow, steady breathing noises. That's right. And so the lights are out and then the guests, what do they do? Oh, they're so confused at the beginning. They say, where are we? Why does it smell like this guy? And then I turn all the lights on and say, there's been a murder.

Oh, my word. And then I describe what you were like in the relationship. And it's tough to get the crowd going because they're happy that the character said at first. And the character based on me. Right, right.

Well, she talks about the relationship. So, of course, then they're like, oh, kill him. You know what I mean? So there's a guy there who is essentially me. And then you say, here's what our relationship was like. It was bad. And does he say anything or does he just pretend to speak? No, he's pretty much just there. Yeah, he just stays there. Actually, you might know him. Who is it? It's Chris.

You're kidding me. It's Chris Dunk. Chris Dunk? Chris Dunk from the local high school. Chris Dunk is playing me. Yeah. Chris Dunk, the science teacher. That's right. Is he still teaching science? I heard he was defrocked. Because he tried to slip some creationism in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's defrocked, but he's, I'm kidding.

a nice paycheck and I let him sleep on the couch sometimes. So he's doing all right. It doesn't sound like he's doing all right. No, he's fine. He's going to sleep on the couch sometimes. Is he genuinely asleep as part of the murder mystery? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. He's got his little, you know, those old peanut butter jars? Yeah. Oh, I know them. Yeah, I know those. You do? Yeah, those old peanut butter jars. Yeah, we are. Absolutely.

He'll just eat a full one of those during the show and it knocks him right out. And you know what else? I'm sorry. He'll, he'll, he'll, what do you say you know those whole peanut butter jars? You mean just jars of peanut butter? Okay. So he'll eat one of those. You're copying.

Copy that. And so that knocks him out. Oh, yeah. Why does that knock him out? Does he have like a small allergy to peanuts? Oh, yeah. Which is interesting that your neighbor had passed. Yeah. I don't know why he does it to himself, but it makes him sleep and he does a real crazy snore.

And then for months afterwards, he'll just drink water out of those empty peanut butter jars. He's doing great. Does he? He's well. Does he fully rinse the jars out? No, no, no. That's what I was afraid of. Anyways, I just wanted to say the years with you, Tony, were gorgeous. I learned a lot about myself and the pound trees. I'm sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Here I go again. Joan, come on. You're wonderful. You are. I don't deserve this. You are. If I could do it all over again, I know I would be different. I'd be doing that transparent work and I would be a better husband to you. And I'm sorry that I wasn't. Oh, my God. Can I give you a hug? X, Y, Z. This is wonderful to see. Yes, girlfriend.

They're actually doing it. Well, why wouldn't we? I just said I wanted to give her a hug. I'm not a liar. I've never been a liar. This is for the listeners. Yeah. I'm sure they believed that we were doing it. Well, I'm just filling the silence. If I say I'm going to give someone a hug, I'm giving them a hug. So you stop it. Don't. Stop it, the boss says. Do you think this is why we got divorced?

Because you always called me a liar. That's one of the reasons. Yes. I don't know that I actually called you a liar. You always insinuated that I was lying. You interpreted that I insinuated you were lying. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't interpret anything. Okay. You insinuated. Right. You inferred that I insinuated that you were lying. This is what I'm talking about. How many words do we have to say that start with I? The message is the same. You intuited an inference. No.

Stop it. The boss has spoken. Well, Jodi, thank you so much for being here. You can stick around, right? Yeah, of course. Oh, fantastic. Because we have more guests to introduce. This is an exciting time always. Next up, this is wife number 27. We were married for six and a half months. And I'm happy to see her again. We haven't seen each other in a few years. Yeah.

Lizzie Giacchieroni. That's right. That's my last name. She's kept my last name. Yeah, sue me. I won't. I mean, we did technically sue each other. That's why we're divorced. We sued for divorce. But I'm certainly not. I'm flattered that you took my name and you kept it. I'm very surprised. Well, I didn't want to keep my own. Why was that?

Well, I'm looking to start a new life and I wanted to start a new life kind of my whole life. And the opportunity to change my name came along and I thought, OK, this is a great opportunity to start a new life. So at that point, I basically decided to start a new life. OK, so new life underway.

And Lizzie, why was it that you've always felt that way that you wanted to start a new life? Like how far did you get in before you said, I got to do this over? I think as soon as I gained sentience, I wanted it to change. When does that happen for a brother? Is it toddlerhood is when you were sentient? I mean,

being able to kind of comprehend that I was a person within a few hours of being alive. I know that's not normal. I know that's not normal. But

But that's sort of where I started. That's where I started feeling bad about sort of what was going on with me. Because you were hungry, you were sleepy, you needed your diaper changed. There was so much that was out of my control. I mean, that's why babies, we don't want them to be thinking about these things. Because if you really think about it, it's miserable. It's pretty bleak. Yeah. So, yeah, I felt sort of trapped. And then I felt trapped for a long time. And then I met you at the Sephora counter. That's right. And.

And I... He loves Sephora. He loves... I just love... First of all, hi. Roger, of course. Love Sephora. Another gorgeous one. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. You know how to pick them. It just happens that way. Brown hair, brown hair, brown hair. They're all gorgeous. It just happens that way.

And by the way, not a natural brunette. Did you know this, Tony? Tony, did you know? I had my suspicions, but it's being confirmed right now. I'm actually, my hair is actually really dark brunette.

Naturally. I guess it lightened it. I'm all about like transformation, looking different. That's right. That's why, I mean, that's why it was immediately they wanted me to work at Sephora. I sort of just walked in and I looked so unique that I got a job on the spot at the makeup counter. They said, this girl is going to do something to everyone. Yeah.

What a prophecy. This girl's going to do something to everyone. And dare I say, I think you have achieved that. I think because you are, I think, the only famous Sephora employee in the world. Yeah. People that you get for theft. Yes. You stole so much money.

from Sephora, not just money for the register, but also products, samples, shelves. I, my house is full of Sephora shelves and you won't believe they make amazing bookshelves, especially when you actually paint like the sort of inside panel of it. Yes. That's a pop of color. Love a pop of color. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Yeah. And do you put the products on the shelf or do you use them as bookshelves, as you say? I mostly use them as bookshelves. I have a massive magazine collection. Yes. You love magazines. It's my favorite kind of book. And you never threw it away? Never. You never threw it away. You'd leave the ads in there, the little postcards, the perfume samples. You left the magazines intact. I love a stinky magazine full of perfume. What are some of your favorite magazines? I love Golf Weekly. I love...

But only because of the fashion. Absolutely. I love a polo. And a skort. And get over a skort. I love a skort. Except for when I have to pee. Right. Right. Right.

I tried wearing skirts for a little bit because of Harry Styles. Well, back in the 90s, though, you did it first. I did it first because of Star Trek The Next Generation. Yes. And I remember they tried to justify the mini skirts from the 60s by having some of the guys wear little skirts. They're like, see, everybody can wear them. And I guess they stopped doing that after the first episode. Oh, my God.

You looked great in them, by the way. Well, thank you. Great pair of legs. I'll give you that. I've been blessed with a good pair of legs. I love a guy in something tiny. Sure. Sure. Lizzie, speaking of lovely guys, have you remarried? Have you moved on? We've lost touch. I mean, I'm still sending you the checks. Thank you. Well, of course. And I always will for as long as we both shall live, as they say. Aw.

Until God and his wisdom separates us by death. Oh, wow. That was beautiful. And that's the way you always talked. And I love that. I love that. No guys really talk like that. Yeah. But actually, no, I haven't remarried, which is so funny because I'm actually I'm going to go on Love Island. The television program. Yeah. You're going to. I have not seen that TV. That's a TV show. It's a television program. Love Island.

island. Do they go to an island? I'm assuming. I haven't seen it myself, but I also have that assumption. Can you confirm? Hot singles from all across the world gather in a casa where they have the opportunity to fall in love with people who are so different, yet so alike from all of them. So it is, the purpose is to find love. It's Love Island. You're going there to fall in love. And I just love the idea.

of being in a big house of people who are so hot and will hopefully fall in love with me for my various traits. So you want multiple people to fall in love with you? Well, fingers crossed. One would be boring. Right. True.

I guess I got to test that. But one at a time, one at a time. Just so people know. I never started a relationship before the first one ended. No, you are not a cheater. I can say that for sure. Not a cheater. I was invited to appear on the show Cheaters, and I said, sorry. You said, I have nothing to give. Sorry, Tommy. Can't do it.

I have nothing for the show. That's right. It's so cool that you were honest about that because so many people are desperate for screen time. Yeah. I, you know, I guess I never really craved the limelight except for my music parody videos, which still to this day, the only views are mine on YouTube. I just remembered their parodies again. Unbelievable.

In the intervening minutes, you have forgotten. And now it's- Well, when you think something for so many years, you know. Absolutely. Hard to change that thought. Very true. Kind of adjusting a worldview on the fly, which is a big deal for her. You could acknowledge. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love, I'm total girl's girl. Lizzie, you're right. Rogers, I see you and I hear you. And I feel seen and heard.

Thank you. Gracias. Indubitably. Oh, there it is. Another cool, awesome word that you take out of your hat. So Lizzie, what do you, what do you, you're definitely going to be on Love Island? Well, okay. So I was trying to get on Love Island US and they said that I am a security risk because of my Sephora incident, which as we know is disputed in the courts by me representing me. And so I'm trying to do Love Island British. Um,

But I actually don't really know the language that well. So I'm just trying to familiarize myself with the language of Great Britain, the culture and the language of Britain. Right. I believe they speak English.

But it's different. Like, it's a different culture. They have an accent. And some words, of course, are different. When they talk, I have no idea what the fuck they're saying. So to me, it's a completely different language. The people, I will give you that. The people on, the British people on reality shows are inscrutable. You have no idea what they're saying. They go, you might get me off. And I go, what did you just say? I have no idea. Yeah, exactly. But why do you want to do all? Yeah, I don't.

And then all of a sudden, everyone's like, oh, yeah, like that. They said something. Exactly. And so I'm just basically at this point trying to kind of immerse myself in the culture, watching a lot of Harry Potter, watching a bunch of like plays and stuff. Like whenever like Shakespeare comes to town or something like that, I'm kind of watching that. Oh, like Station Eleven. Yes. Why don't we cut right to that where the costumes are made out of cardboard? I would go see that. Costumes? Yeah. Wait. Shakespeare. Oh, yeah. I mean, look. What did you think I meant, Lizzie? I.

actually had no idea what you were talking about. That's fair because if you haven't seen station 11, it's meaningless to you. Yeah. Yeah. But I wanted to agree because I wanted you to feel supported. Do you think this is why it didn't work out with us? Because I pretend to know about stuff I don't understand or something else. No, just the communication because I could have communicated better, uh,

what I was seeing in my mind and I didn't do a good job. And it puts you in an awkward position because you don't want to sound dumb. And so you just say, yes, absolutely. Yeah. And then, I was agreeing to a lot of stuff that I didn't know what it meant. But here's what I think is wonderful, Lizzie, and makes me so happy is that you then had the courage that so many of us don't have to say, I don't know what you're talking about. And that's gross.

Because I wasn't doing that when we were together. No, like you said, let's get in the moose boosh. And I literally thought we were going to like a park. Yeah. But we were just going into the kitchen. We were going in the kitchen. So imagine my disappointment. I think I'm getting on like a fucking Ferris wheel or something. Those were your exact words. Yeah. It's happening like 300 times a day.

That's worrying. Yeah. Would you say that was what happened? It was 300 times a day you were misconstruing things and saying that you understood them? Yeah. That's a lot. It's as if you were speaking the language of Great Britain to her. You know, she didn't understand. Oh, wow. She was not bilingual.

This is... In the Tony language. You should be, like, doing therapist. You should be doing therapist because this is, dare I say, illuminating. Well, because I plan funerals, I'm very connected emotionally to people. Because people are crying. They're cursing and screaming. And then sometimes there's a celebration. You think, whoa, why are you celebrating? You know, why are you happy? Oh, it's mixed emotions. You can't judge grieving. But enough about me. Unless it seems clear that it's a murder. So, uh...

Lizzie, you feel that you have grown as a person and now you're no longer misconstruing things 300 times a day. I'm still misconstruing everything, but I'm really good at being like, I don't get it now. Okay. So you do still say yes first. I say yes. And then you say, hold on a second. Just kidding. Right.

Just kidding. Don't know what's going on. Don't know where I am. Don't remember anything. I think just kidding is a great way to phrase it because it takes the tension out of everything. You know what I mean? Just kidding. I didn't understand that. Just kidding. Just kidding. I'm lost. By the way, other wife, bus driver, gorgeous, stunning. Love everyone here. Jodi, this is Lizzie. So nice to meet you, honestly. Like...

I think I may have seen you at Sephora because I was working at the mall at that point. Did you see a picture behind the counter, baby? Oh, yeah. That's what it was. I wish I could get my hands on you and give you a cat eye. Really? You would look amazing.

Amazing with a massive cat. Think Amy Winehouse times 100. So basically my face. Cat eye basically down to your ankles. Well, everyone says I couldn't do that because I had a hooded eye. No, no, no. We're giving you a cat eye that goes all the way down to your back, becomes a tramp stamp of a little butterfly. Oh, my God. I am awakened. Oh, my God. That's hot. That's incredibly hot.

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Lizzie, have you ever been on a bus? A bus? Yes. To the best of my knowledge, nowhere near. Do you know what a bus is? Just kidding. I don't know. Okay. A bus is, you know cars. Yeah. But the bus is the tall one of those that's very long. Okay. Yeah. Huh. Can you see it in your mind? No. All right. See, that was so fast. Thank you. I actually don't really have a mind's eye. People always talk about a mind's eye. Like, I see it in my mind's eye.

And I actually don't really have one. You can't imagine things. No.

You know, this makes sense. What happens when somebody says, you know, like if you shut your eyes, can you picture what I look like? I see black. Just black. Darkness. Cave. Because I didn't even know that was abnormal because people were talking about like you close your eyes and you see stuff. And I was like, you mean black void, but you're kind of thinking about some way. And they're like, no, like you see something. And I was like, oh, my God, that's missing in me.

But you used to, I understand now, because you used to talk about your dreams. And from what I gather now, you never had a dream. No. I think I have like goals. Right. But when you go to bed, sleepy time. Oh, no. I don't think so. Right. Which is fine.

It makes sense now because you would say like, oh, when I went to sleep, I was on the moon and I worked at Sephora. And no matter, you would just, basically you would just say, I went to sleep and you would name an exotic place and you would say, I worked at Sephora. I worked at Sephora. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's also kind of nice because like my reality is my dream. Oh, that's very profound. And I think it's aspirational. How so? What is that? I think it...

An aspiration is when you, well, for lack of a better term, it's a dream that you have. It's something that you want to come true. So,

kind of way? Why wouldn't you just say dream? Like, why wouldn't you just say the word that you know that I know, kind of? Right. That's a great question. Well, here's what I think aspirational implies. Sorry for an I word. That you could definitely achieve it. There's a way to do it. Whereas a dream is like, you know, wouldn't that be nice? Love Island is like an aspiration because it has to happen or else. Wow.

I guess, yeah. Cool. I think I understand. Let me ask you this, Lizzie. If Love Island doesn't work out, is there...

Any other aspirations that you have? Well, I guess, fingers crossed, if it doesn't work out, I'll be at the bottom of the ocean with cement tied around my ankle. Oh, Lizzie, that's bleak. I didn't see that coming at all. I didn't see that coming. I thought the ocean, the island, I thought we were going to, maybe she wanted to find love and just another sort of piece of earth that wasn't connected to the rest of the earth. Maybe she would find a merman. Yeah, something, I thought it was going to get exotic. She wants to wear the cement overshoes. No, that's kind of it.

That's kind of it for me. Yeah. Love Island or bust. Yeah. Do you have to make a video to submit? I wouldn't say that. Yes. You do have to make a video. I don't want to interrupt, but if those are the only two options, I do want to speak to you afterwards in case you want to buy the works plan. If that's something you're planning now to possibly...

Wait a second. Towards the bottom of the ocean. I want to be buried in a thong and nipple tassels and open casket and anyone can take a... I want a big camera above and anyone can take a photo with me. Wait, so you want to be drowned by having a fetal case of cement going to the bottom of the ocean, but then you do want an open casket funeral. To be clear, I don't know that I'm going to drown. I might get on La Violet.

So in that case, I could die anyway. Right, right, right. But yes, if I'm sort of waterlogged, blow up in the ocean, I still want to be in my little thong and my nipple tassels in the castle. Oh, my wish. Go to British and then live in a castle. Go to British. Tony, you've been to British before. I've been to British. I've been in a castle. Imagine I meet a prince on the house in the castle. If you meet a prince on the house...

I hope that happens. I hope that happens. I want that for you. Someday my prince will come. What's that from? That is from, I think, Sleeping Beauty, maybe? Snow White? Snow White. Awesome. She is... Snow White is a domestic person who just sweeps, as far as I know. And then a witch... Like a nurse. A witch... No...

Nurses are healthcare practitioners. Do you know what that is? Practitioner? Yes. No. Someone who does a job. Oh. But here's the thing. I'm remembering what was so fun about being with you is I felt like I was learning so much and like none of it. Right. But it's so fun in the moment to be like, oh my God. Right. That's what that word means. It's amazing that someone who has vivid memories of being an infant is

Doesn't seem to have object permanence. I don't know. Maybe the brain just stopped developing. Maybe it did. Well. Now, wait. You said, speaking of Love Island, the tape, you have the tape with you? I have it probably somewhere on my phone because that's where I took it. Okay. Let's take a look at it. Okay. Want me to play? Yes, please.

Hello, bombshells. My name is Lizzie. Just kidding. I'm from, you guessed it, America. But I am studying so hard, looking for...

the biggest kiss basically of my life hopefully with a prince maybe even more than one and if I could get that then I would be so happy and if not I literally have hired someone to kill me so you should put me on the show and I will try my hardest to be as beautiful as I can be and as awesome as possible please pick me and also I'm willing to do pretty much whatever I'm gonna straighten my hair for it

That is a dream. That right there is a dream. A tour de force. The energy. Let me ask you, you say you're willing to do whatever. What are you implying? Basically, like any kind of drug, crime, or sex act. Okay.

Tony, I think when the options are get on the show or, you know, tie yourself to cement and sink to the bottom of the ocean. Well, either way, you are willing to do whatever for the first option. True. I mean, I don't I don't see that as a surprise.

The surprise was that she was willing to tie herself to cement and go to the bottom of the ocean if she didn't get on the show. Right. But now that we know that. I'm unclear as to the purpose of this interjection. You seem so. OK, fine. But you seem so shocked that she was willing to do anything to get on the show when she had just told you it was the show or suicide. Well, I wasn't. I mean, I don't think that I was shocked. I just asked her, what did that mean? OK. Yeah.

I mean, this is exactly what our marriage was like. I mean, it was so obvious to everyone else, was it not? Was it so clear what happened here? I imagined that I was shocked. Wow. As he looked in his thesaurus because he just needed another I word. I love my thesaurus. This is the kind of drama that just makes me laugh. It just makes you laugh. Yeah. I'm laughing. You guys are so smart and so funny and have so much chemistry.

It is. We undeniably still have chemistry. I mean, this is how what used to lead to. Oh, yes. Going into the kitchen for an abuse. All right. We have to bring in our final guest. And I'm so excited to have the whole gang here. Well, the whole gang, but the whole gang for the show fit 39 in one room.

I mean, that would be... If only you didn't... The only event you planned was not funerals. Because what a party that would be. I wish I could. But I am strictly funerals. Now, if one of the wives died... Right. Well... We could...

Work something out. You know, I only have one ex-wife who died and she died immediately after signing divorce papers. She walked outside and was hit by a bus. And no offense, Jodi. And I never got to pay her alimony. She was the one that got away. Okay. What number was she? That was number 17. 17? 17 with a bus. Okay.

All right. We're going to bring in a final ex-wife for the episode. This is wife number seven, lucky number seven. And so pleased to see her again. We have not seen each other quite some time. Please welcome Rhonda Rhoda. Rhonda, hello, dear. Hi, Tony. It's so nice to see you. It's so nice to see you, Rhonda. How are you getting on? Are you eating enough? Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I mean, three squares a day. Good news. Yes.

I miss you. I miss you too, Rhonda. It's so wonderful to see you. Let me take your cane. Oh, thank you. It's cold in here. It is cold in here. I'm sorry. It's so cold. I mean, I'm okay, but I understand that you would be a little chilly. Your skin is very papery thin. Yes, yes, it is. Get a blanket or a heating pad. Oh, thank you, darling. You have such beautiful skin. She's giving her a blanket and a heating pad. Look!

Look at that skin. That is all the skin. I'm seeing so much skin, just young skin. Thank you.

Now, Rhonda, I hope you don't mind my saying, but you are my oldest ex-wife. Yes, I'm probably the one that's going to die soon. You're going to want to give me the works, okay? And we shall talk. And we shall talk. Don't say that. Don't say that. 85 years young. There was quite an age disparity when we got married. Yes, I was 65 when you married me. That's right. And I was significantly younger than I am today. He doesn't want to say it. I don't want to say it.

But I am a man of a certain age. Are you eating enough? I am eating enough, yes, I am. Too much sometimes. I don't think so. We've got to fatten you up. I don't. Come on. I have an amuse-bouche every night. Oh, I remember you and the amuse-bouche. You were the one who taught me amuse-bouche. I did.

I taught you all about old things. Yes, I didn't know. I just lived in a world of modern things, Betamax and so forth. And you told me about classy and classic things that I didn't know about. That's right. For those of you who don't know who are listening on this, what is it, a podcast? It's a podcast. Podcast. Oh, look at me. I'm on a podcast.

Oh, wow. This is a thrill.

We met when I sang back up on one of your first parody songs. That's right. Remember? Yes. Which song was that? It was a parody of Amore. When divorce hits your eye like a big pizza pie, alimony. That's right. I can't believe you still remember. Oh, I remember them all. Let's see. We did Michael McDonald's What a Fool Believes. That's right. Yeah. Alimony.

Oh, that was one of my favorites. That was a jam. I remember somebody telling me Michael McDonald himself heard it and loved it. Well, you sounded a whole lot like him. I tried, but that turned out to be a lie. He'd never heard it, of course. But the other Michael McDonald loved it. The one from bad TV? The one from bad TV. Yes, he did. Oh, he was a fan. He loved it. Or did Stuart love it? No.

Stuart didn't like anything. He was a mean little kid. That's one thing that Tony and I did. We sat down together at 11 o'clock or 10 central and watched Mad Town. Just checking in with our friends Bobby Lee and Matt Philbane. That's what he means when I said I introduced him to the classics. That's right. Ike Barinholtz.

Now, Rhonda, dear, how are you doing? Well, I may not look it, but I am. I'm thriving. Well, you look like you're thriving. Hang on a second. I do have to take my pills.

Oh, my God. That's quite... Now, that's... You might want to cut to commercial. Talk about those old peanut butter jars. Close to 100. Oh, I love those. Oh, my goodness. You heard them? And I heard someone talking about that. Oh, that got me so excited. Rhonda, this is Jodi. Hello, Jodi. I've heard so much of you. Oh, no. Of you. No. I have heard so much of you. So much of me. Well, I feel like you're all my daughters, really. Oh, my God.

I always did want a son, which is why I think it maybe didn't work out with the two of us. That's right, because I didn't want children at all. I was always taking his temperature and trying to get him to eat and reading them stories. Yeah.

Do you still have those pajamas I crocheted you? I do. I put them on a mannequin. And it's sort of in my, I have a room in my house that's a sort of a hall of divorce. And I have a little memento from each of my ex-wives in there. Well, that's a creepy museum. He doesn't want to get rid of it. He puts it on a mannequin. Why is it creepy? What? Anytime you have a piece of clothing you don't want to get rid of, you put it on a mannequin. That's right. I hate to waste things. Yeah. How many mannequins do you have now?

Oh, got to be like 50 in there. Yeah, a little higher. Really? Yes. 51? Yes. Are you ordering them in bulk, getting a discount? I should. I should. Because it is cheaper on the shipping. You sometimes can get free shipping if you order a dozen or more mannequins. And are you sticking to the mail form or are you doing both? I'm doing both. That's nice. Doing both. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd love to see it sometime. Come by anytime. I haven't been there in years. Rogers, you're welcome to come by anytime. You wouldn't even recognize the place. Of course, I've moved back into that home. This is the home that Rogers and I shared together. A new house for each wife, and I've kept them all. And when enough time has passed, I'll move back into that. Yeah.

Rhonda, I've lived in the home we shared together about five times now. You've lived there five times? Yes. You're kidding. I'm not kidding. And I have fond memories of you and the way you used to mother me. And I remember the big chair where you used to have me sit on your lap. Yes, we lived in a lighthouse. Yes. And

And I'm surprised you've been there five different times. I suppose they just can't get in. I thought they would have turned it into an air. What are they called? Airbnb. B&B. B&B. That used to be bed and breakfast in my time. What does it stand for now? Airbnb. One of the B's is probably bedbugs. Shots fired. Tony was always so quick.

That's what I just loved about him. But I am doing fine. I will tell you, I am finally closing down the one woman show that for the last very many years, Tony has been the benefactor of all about our relationship and my others to

Till Tony do us part. And I ran that for the longest time. They gave me a back corner of the Shakeys. And I had such lovely fans for so long. But I think it's time to hang up.

The leotard, if you will. Yes. And you did the show in a leotard. I sure did. Yes. And you played, correct me if I'm wrong on this, but you played 17 different characters. I did. I played 17 different characters. I played myself, of course. Of course. I played Tony. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. I can't do it anymore because I'm getting old. No, I'm shaking. That was crazy. That was uncanny. That was awesome. It is like listening to a mirror. Mm-hmm.

And then I played, well, I played people in my family and other people that I dated. And then I play all the characters of Gone with the Wind. Yes. That was just for fun. I remember Ashley Wilkes bringing the house down. People, not a dry eye in the shakies, and people were crying into their extremely thin pizzas. And I remember there's one little team that was...

Move to tears of hysterics. You know, some of my best shows were birthday parties for the five-year-olds. They really...

They really did. Sometimes the kids would think they were at a Chuck E. Cheese. Yes. Because there was pizza and then there was a show. And then you, because of course you would do the robot. There was a very old robotic person in the corner moving back and forth. And that was me. The subtext of the show was, or the conceit of the show was, it was a robot from the future that was recounting your life. Yes, that's it. Isn't that extraordinary? I came up with that. And you used to do it with silver paint, but then you had an analogy to it.

I used to do it with what? Oh, silver paint. Yes, that's right. Silver paint. And I did have a bad allergic reaction to that. And I was in the hospital for a time. And Tony came and visited me every day. That's right. He did. Brought me flowers, brought me my checks.

And I do have to say, I do love all of the backgrounds that you spend so much time choosing. Do you all remember when he did that Mount Rushmore and every month one of us would get on it? And there were four, but there's so many of us, you'd hope and hope and hope. And I made it. I was in the hospital. That's when I got mine. How can I not? That took a lot of legal wrangling because it's technically not allowed. First of all, Mount Rushmore is protected.

And secondly, to have a different picture on every check is expensive. When you got away with it, because you called it Mount Wifemore, right? That's right. I said, no, no, no, you don't understand. This is Mount Wifemore.

Clever. Thank you, Rogers. It was so clever. You always so clever. You still are clever. Well, I hope so. I hope so. As I enter a certain phase of my life, I hope I still have all my marbles. As you do, Rhonda, you're still, despite, you know, just the

seeing the blue underneath your skin, you are still a very, dare I say, spry. Sharp. Sharp as a tack. Thank you. Sharp as a tack. Haven't missed a step. Will you please eat this right now? You are not eating enough. I shouldn't need a microphone, but I will take this for later. Thank you very much. It's peanut butter. I know. From a jar. From one of those jars. I'll have that afterwards. And you, of course, cut the crust off. What's that?

I'm just wondering if I could have that. For Mr. Dunk? Chris Dunk, yep. Is he staying at your home right now? I don't want to say. He's doing great, she said. 10 out of 10. Let me ask a question about your and Rhonda's relationship. Yes, please. The risk of overstepping. We're all curious about that.

There was this mother-son relationship going here. How was the sex? Awkward and uncomfortable. Frequent? Too frequent, if you ask me. Interesting. Ew.

So it went the other direction than I was expecting. Okay. There was a lot of, I remember, and I hope this is not a gentlemanly to disclose this, but there was a lot of, during the act, Rhonda's saying, there, there. Oh, comforting. There's nothing wrong how we started. I would give him a bath. Right? Yeah.

in the kitchen sink. Oh, wow. Well, because it's so precious. But you know what? I did love the smell of that baby shampoo. There's nothing like it. It's good. All that baby stuff, baby powder, it all smells good. Babies already smell good. Why do we need to give them good smelling things? You were my baby. Yes. I would call you baby. It was a different connotation. And it took me a while to realize when you were calling me baby what you meant. Sure.

And I thought it worked really well when we would have fights. I put him on the timeout. He sat on the stairs. That's right. And he just had some time to think about it. That's right. And then we moved on. I thought it was wonderful. I gave him stickers when he did something nice. That's why you have all those stickers. That's why I have all those stickers. When I send her an outlaw check, she sends me a sticker in response. Isn't that lovely? It really is. And I send him a little note that says, good job or have a good summer. Oh, man.

She's still... It's lovely. That is romance. Oh, my God. There was also a sort of high school classmate aspect to it. More like a teacher-student thing. Right. Mm-hmm.

It was complicated. It was very complex. Probably in the end is best that it ended. That's right. Can I just say you are so stunning and I would love a crack at your makeup after. Well, this too. Well, my makeup is Luberderm, honey. That's all I got on my skin. Well, great glisten. And I want to give you a smoky eye.

And Marilyn Monroe dot. And a red lip. Oh, I love that. And a witch was the last.

Wet? A red lip. Oh, a red lip. Wet red. Wet red? I don't know what that means. Well, Matt's dry. You don't want a Matt lip, and it's out. Matt lip is dry. I don't know those terms. I really don't know. You want a soaking wet looking... Back in the day, we would just dig down on the farm to the dirt that was red and put that on our cheeks to try to find a mate. Clay. Yes, his name was Clay. That's...

I love him. He was my one true love. Oh. Oh. Shaw Fire, part two. That's fair. That's fair. I mean, Clay was before my time. It didn't work out for you. It didn't work out for me. I mean, look, let's be realistic. We're all adults here. Tony, do you have one true love out of the 39? The one that got away. The one that you wish you could do over. I feel like I love you all equally.

If I have one true love, it is paying alimony. I love it. I love it. Don't get me wrong. I never sabotaged any of my relationships with you. I

I wanted them all to work out, and I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. You've been broken up with every time. You've never broken up with anyone. That's correct. That's correct. I've never initiated a divorce. Is that something that you wish you could do? Is that an aspiration of yours? Is that a dream of yours? Maybe that's the one thing you need to do to end it. Then you don't have to feel. If you just love alimony, you've got plenty to pay, honey. It's true.

True, but the more I get to pay, the more I enjoy it. But look, again, I want to reinforce, I am not sabotaging these relationships. I always think it's going to work out. It never does. I never instigate the divorce, but I am hopeful that one day it's going to work. Copy that.

How quick is the turnaround time between marriages these days? Oh, it depends. I mean, sometimes it's a couple weeks, sometimes it's a month. I don't think that's long enough. I think that's your problem. Do you want them to... So then, wait a minute. You don't want to sabotage them, but you also love paying alimony. The more divorces you have, the happier you are. So how is this possible that you're not sabotaging it? Because don't you really not want to stay married? Do you ever

want to stay married? I do. With every fiber of my being, that's all I want is to settle down with someone, spend the rest of the years that I have on this earth making someone happy and them making me happy and creating a nice little home like the first 10 minutes of Up. I've been meaning to check that out. Everybody says that is such a funny movie. It's hilarious. It's hilarious.

I love comedy. Like, all the central roast type stuff freaking kills my ass. They all

and basically make so many jokes about celebrities of modern culture. Like, that's freaking awesome. I like it. I mean, what's really funny is that the people don't know the person that they're making fun of. And it's just a random collection of people higher that have nothing to do with the one person's life. And it's all for us.

I feel like they're like Comedy Central is like that little boy from the old man who is jumping out the window and he's saying, it's all for you. The little boy doesn't jump out the window. I was going to say it was a young woman. Yes, a young woman. Yes, the nanny jumps out the window. That's right. Wow. They should have known then, right? If she said, Damien, this is all for you, she'd kill herself out of nowhere.

Then there was a dog. I mean, there were many, many. Now, speaking of dogs, that's what I was going to say to you. Perhaps you should get a dog. Everything you just described you can do with a dog. I thought about it, but I don't get dogs. Do you know what I mean? What's confusing to you? People choose to love them. What's to get? What do you do with them? Walk them, feed them, hug them. Love them. Pass. You didn't like walking when we were married either. You hated walking. Pass.

Well, because we would always get into a fight. Because all you did was talk. I wanted to go for walks. I wanted to enjoy the outdoors, the trees, you know, what we were looking at. I wanted to be in peace and quiet and meditate, if you will, walking meditations. I'm sure you're familiar with those. Sexual walking meditations. Yes. I wanted to do that. And all you wanted to do was talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Right. Because you insisted that I be there. Yeah.

No, but that is a good point. Now I'm thinking about how when we, it's almost any time there was exercise involved. Sex. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Everything. Yes, which also is exercise in its own way. It's true. I count it. I enter it into my log. Yeah. I'm doing my steps. Textual intercourse, 15 minutes. You know when he's cooking his frittatas?

Talking the entire time. You're not going to say you don't like my frittatas. I love the frittata. The conversation before. It's the journey to the frittata. That's exhausting. Yes. That's the whole point of the frittata is the journey.

Well, don't include us in it. Just, you know, have us go do something else. I'd be in another room. Get over here. I'm doing a frittata talk. I don't need to be there. I tell you, one thing I don't miss are those frittata talks. It's frittata. And... No, I refuse. I wanted to include you in something that was very important to me. Now, look, I don't want to...

I don't want to get into old, litigate, re-litigate old arguments. This is wonderful for me to have you all here together. And I like that you're getting to know each other. I guess I should always see it coming that, of course...

Every time I do the show, every time I do the show, I forget that that is a potential thing that could happen. The four of you would talk about the problems with me. But it does happen every every single time. But I would I guess I prefer that it didn't.

I guess you shouldn't marry such strong women. Well, guilty as charged. I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. You all have your, your own strong personalities. You're your own people. And I think that's wonderful. Uh, and it's a shame that none of the people that you are liked the people that I was, uh, but look, that's life. That's what all the people say.

Now, Tony, you're single now. Yes, I am. Would you like to tell the listeners what kind of woman you are looking for? Well, uh,

I like brown hair, obviously. Honk, honk. Bunch of brunettes here. You know, it's funny because I keep dying it only for you. I know I need to keep it. No. I can't do it. I just don't want to do with gray hair. I know it's a big deal. It looks good on a 20-year-old, but not on an 85-year-old. You have a good texture, though, for your hair. You have a good texture. I think you could pull it off. You think? Yes. Oh, God.

You're old enough to know Marianne Hartley. I saw her on A Law and Order. She's still dying of hair red. We went to preschool together. Yeah. Come on, Marianne. But red-haired people, they're very – I asked a redhead one time, one of my wives is a redhead, and I said –

Do you think having red hair makes you a little bit special? And she said, yes. So it's true. They all think it. They know that they're outliers. I think you would like to date another redhead. Maybe I would. You just got a gleam in your eye when you started talking about it. Maybe I would. Maybe I would. Just to mix things up. It's been a long time. I haven't been married to a redhead since 1997. Oh, wow.

The skort ears. The skort ears, as we call them now. Yeah, maybe I should have to have red hair, but if she does, that's a bonus. But, you know, I'm looking for somebody who's, you know, strong-willed, but easygoing. Strong. Easy.

Opinionated but amenable. Yes, exactly. Someone who is inflexible but likes to do whatever. I'm here.

I'm here for the party. I don't care, but also I only want to do this. That's right. Taipei, but I'm a total mess. Yes. Yes, exactly. Serve me anything to eat, but I only want the cheese. Now, what astrological side is that, would you say? Gemini. That's Gemini? Because of the two? Mm-hmm. Two-faced. Two-faced? Do you think Geminis are two-faced people? That is the symbol for Gemini. Oh, okay. They're two personalities. So that's the person that can be like, I only want this, but also whatever. Okay.

How is that allowed in a sign? Well, that's why no one likes Gemini. I think the sign should just be, this is your one characteristic, the end. Well, no one likes Geminis. That's why. You know, because they get to be- Is that true? No one likes them? Please. Oh, I didn't know it wasn't. Oh, please. I don't know if I'm sure that I know a Gemini at all. Who do you not like in your life? Oh, don't say me. My daughter. Oh, thank God. When was she born? This is Madeline.

And you two have never gotten along from what I understand. Nope. Is that why? Because she's a Gemini? She's a Gemini. But also, I think the real reason is she's Clay's daughter. And when you see, when you look at her, you just see the relationship that you lost with Clay. Well, Tony, I don't need you to be digging into my heart right now. Well, I don't. Then I appreciate it. I'm just hoping that that will free you of some of the disgust you feel for Madeline. The sheer contempt.

Well, maybe I'll take a peanut butter jar over to her tomorrow. Well, speaking of peanut butter jar, it's time. I'm going to bring it out here. We always, we love this segment. It's time for a peanut butter truth talk where everyone has, I have put a bunch of questions on slips of paper in this peanut butter jar and I have reached it out. Sorry. Sorry, Doug. Your loss. So who wants to go first?

Well, I can start. All right. There we go. There's that type A that we're talking about. The boss. The boss. Stop it. So I just take a piece of paper out of this jar and I read the question? Yes. And then we all answer it. Oh, okay. We go around and we all answer it. It's about you? Not necessarily. Oh. It's just a question about life? These are questions that whenever I think of a question, I write on a slip of paper and then I put it in the jar. Oh, that is news to me. I started doing this three years ago. Oh. Okay.

Look at your handwriting. Still the same. Yes. Who is your favorite baseball player? I feel like this was for me. Did you write this one for me? I did not. I don't write. These questions are not written with anyone in mind. They just pop into my head. Well, obviously, Babe Ruth. Yes. You love him. I love him so much. Hate baseball. Love him so much. Could not hate the sport more, but you love Babe Ruth. The amount of memorabilia I have of Babe Ruth. You just love looking at that. Jerseys. Baseballs. Mashed potato of a face. Oh, yeah.

Tell you, if I could describe my main man, my dream. Your dream man is Babe Ruth.

Two words. Babe Ruth. That's it. 25-year-old looks like he's 70. Maturity. It shows that he's been through something. Absolutely. You know, experience. And that's a man who could handle being married to an event planner. Absolutely. That plans funerals. Oh, babe. If only he'd lived long enough for event planning to be a thing, and then he could have made that dream come true. All right. Who wants to go next? For me, it's Sammy Sosa. Oh. Bam!

Oh, my God. I love a man with a sturdy trunk. And I just love the idea of him running so fast and no one's going to be able to stop him. Not even a brick wall. Good choice, Jodi. And Rhonda?

Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but a young Rhonda was taken out by a young babe a very, very long time ago on a summer's eve. Now, you must have been very young at the time. You know, I was not jealous that you were married to my ex-husband, but this, this has brought up a jealousy I've never felt in my life.

Why didn't go any further than that date? Well, I was young. You are right. I was six years old. Maybe the police intervened. What it was is I just wandered into a bar and they gave me a candy. But I like to think of it as a date. He was probably so drunk he saw you sitting on a stool and thought you were an adult. He thought you were tall.

Babe. Oh, your weird legs. So, babe. He called me honey, and I just thought, well, that's just it. That's all I need. I can die now. And then I didn't, and I still haven't. Here, I'm going to read this question. Okay. Oh, honey. Now, this one just says, why am I like this?

When did you write that? Oh, I probably wrote that this morning. Well, what were you referring to? I don't know. I'm telling you, these questions pop into my mind. And my first thought, rather than answering the question, is to write it down and put it in the jar. I think you should answer that one. Okay, you want me to go first? Sure. Why am I like this? I guess...

I guess my parents had a wonderful marriage. And so I've been chasing that dream, the dream of their marriage. They did get divorced, but they never let me see them fight. When they would fight, they would speak in Italian in normal conversational terms. Which father are you referring to that your mother had this wonderful marriage to? Anthony. Okay.

Okay. Because you have two fathers. That's right. That's right. And they both lived in the house at the same time. And neither one of them would tell me which one was my biological father. And you didn't think it was Antony considering your name Tony. For the longest time, I did not consider it was Antony. I thought it was Francisco. Interesting. And then finally on Francisco's deathbed when I was eight years old, he said, I have left an envelope somewhere in the house that tells you who your real father is. Oh, my God.

And then I found it at my college graduation. We had a reception at the house. Where was it hidden, the envelope? It was behind a door that I never, I thought that's too obvious. You had never looked behind doors. You had seen the envelope there before, but you thought that's not it. I thought it would be like in a lamp or, yes, exactly. I was looking for secret passages. I never thought it was just sitting there on the floor. Right.

It's a marvel. It wasn't thrown away. He didn't even tape it or anything. I think he warned my mother and Anthony. None of the housekeepers threw it away? Everyone left it there. None of the housekeepers threw it away. They must have been instructed. They must have been instructed. So I think that I'm trying to

Trying to make that come true for me to have that kind of relationship. But I also have never learned to speak Italian. So maybe in some way I'm trying to communicate something to myself. Maybe you should date an Italian lady. Oh, no. No.

Okay, I am going to take that personally because I am both Italian and a Gemini. Well, now I'm Italian. What the frick? Of course, I'm Italian. Hey. Sorry. Jody. Language. I've got to bleep that. Barf me up a frigging river. Hey, Jody. I don't care.

Tony, you're making me do all this editing now. Sorry. Yeah, because I'm Italian, it's just, it's disgusting to me and I have no desire. I have no desire. It's like looking, I don't want to see something that represents me across the breakfast nook. You know what I mean? What's interesting, you never spoke Italian. You don't know the language. No. But when you used to get upset, you would kind of mumble in that sort of Italian as if you wanted to have a meal. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

There's no problem with what we're doing, right? No, not at all. I am Italian. And he used to do it all. It's as if your body wanted you to speak. You would just kind of yell out. No, it does, but I refuse my body that luxury. So it tries to outwit me. Watching someone have to hold the Italian in is something else. Yes. I've only seen it twice in my life. It's like Volcano.

You mean like a volcano about to erupt? Or a movie volcano. No, like a volcano. When the volcano holds in the heart. That's right. Holds in the heart. He definitely holds in the heart. Like Mount Vesuvius. Okay. Famous Italian volcano. Do you know what that is, honey? No. Speak up for yourself. That's right. I don't know what that stuff. All right. Would anyone else like to answer the question, why am I like this? No. No.

Fair enough. Can I pick one? Well, yes. We have time for one more. I love pulling stuff out. Okay. Oh, one more. You love pulling stuff out. I sure do.

If there's something in something else, you like the process of taking it out. Yeah, like a snake in one of those little jars that comes out. I remember you liked matchboxes a lot. I love matchboxes. But you never lit the matches. No, I just love taking the match out, hand me the match, you do the thing, and then I smell it. The candle. Okay, the question is, what is your favorite Target location? That is such a good question. I guess I like the one...

Oh, it's, what is it? Sepulveda? Yes. The one on Sepulveda. The dollar section in the Target at Sepulveda. I damn near faint every time I walk. And excuse me, you'll have to bleep that out as well. But I feel strongly about this. Jodi, look. Jodi. Sorry. When they made it a two-story, I thought, well. But then when they added in that dollar section, they really took it to another level. Yeah, yeah.

And I think it's interesting that they don't have a Starbucks in there. No. But instead. They don't need it. They don't need that crutch. I've always felt like that. But they have a space for where the Starbucks would be. Just to say, hey, we could have done it. We don't need it. With a literal sign that says not coming soon. Nope.

Why would it? Wild flex. I love it. I love it. Starbucks space, never worn. Yeah. Side of story. And how about yours? Mine? Yes. My favorite Starbucks location has to be the one near my house. We're talking Target. Target, dear. What? Target. What did I say? Favorite Target location. Oh, okay. It's on the piece of paper that you're holding. I just, I was getting so swept up. I love the Target...

near my house also because I like to walk places and I actually fell asleep in this Target a couple times. Everyone was really nice to me both times. Oh, that's very nice. Yeah, so I love it there. Where did you fall asleep in the Target? Well, one time was in the clothes section when I was trying on all the stuff because that takes a long time. Yeah. And I got all tangled up in a string bikini and I just got really tired and I fell asleep. Do they have dressing rooms at Target? Yeah.

Yeah. They do. They do. Realize that. They're terrible. I thought it was just you went in there, you grabbed something off the rack, and that was it. I think that's what most people do. It's better to do that, actually. I love the dressing rooms at Target because there's not a lot of people monitoring, and so it's really easy to shoplift. Oh, don't say that on the microphone. Just kidding. Have to bleep that out as well. No, I think that fixed it. Legally, just kidding.

Jodi, favorite target? I would have to say Westlake. One of the mini ones. I love not being able to get everything I need. Yes, exactly. It's almost like a CVS. It's not even really a target. It's so misleading. The one thing that you're looking for, it's not in there. If you

If you need a bottle of 409, not in there. If you need a notebook, nope. Outlook. Poster board, sure, but not a notebook. It's like they're reading your mind. They know what it is and they hide it from you. It's amazing. Well, Target comes to me in the form of a young man named Justin. And he delivers exactly what I need and he always finds it. And he is working for his masters.

and I'm so proud. Oh, that's fantastic. We have a little discussion every day and I can't recommend that target enough. He's not hard to look at either, I have to say. Oh, it's not like that. He's not my son. And now we come to Brodgers.

for Target Location. Did you say Target Location? She did. She agreed with you on Sepulveda. Oh, you kicked it off with Sepulveda. I apologize. How could I not? All right. Well, and speaking of apologies, once again, I apologize to each and every one of you for not being the husband that I needed to be. And I want to thank you for remaining on such cordial terms with me and for accepting my alimony checks.

Even though none of you need them. You're all doing wonderfully well by yourselves. And I couldn't be, if I may, if this is due presumptuous, I couldn't be prouder of all of you. And I think it speaks somewhat highly of me that any one of you were my wife for even a little bit.

Well, isn't that the sweetest thing? You know, we just want you to be happy, I think, right? Yeah. You've made us happy with honey. I did not get a verbal confirmation. This is like being on the airplane. I need you to actually say you want me to be on the airplane. Yes. Jody! This is why I'll never marry another Italian. Well, thank you all for being here. Anything you'd like to plug? No!

I'm doing my farewell show. It's a final one, so if y'all want to come out, I can give you comps. I'm really going to try to paper that. Yes.

I think people are going to come out for that. I mean, the Farewell Show, people have to come out for that. Maybe I'll live stream it. Oh, that's fun. Would that be fun? That's a thing, right? Yeah. Okay. I understand. I'm with you. I say things I'm not quite sure what I said. So we're peacing apart. Gotta get you that Marilyn Monroe dot. I swear to God for that show. Oh, I love it.

I'd love that, honey, if you could come and do my makeup for me. HMU. Free of charge. Look at that. Don't know what that means. And just a ringing wet lip. And, okay, Lizzie. I would like to plug, basically, like, I'm kind of just trying my best and...

I like to plug that. And if I end up being on television, obviously you can check that out on ATV or something like that. Basically, I plug myself. You can't plug yourself. Who's going to plug you? Lizzie, truer words were never spoken.

All right. And we turn to Jodi. Well, I just wanted to plug that I'm not driving for the money anymore, but I would love to bring industry to your show and you gals too. I would love to drive. The murder mystery industry. Yes.

Oh, what crossover you're saying? Oh, my God. Girls, and I don't want to take your title away, but it seems like everyone here is a bit of a girl boss. Oh, well, I'm not sure she liked that hook. I'm sorry about that. Delete. You can't just throw out that title. She was a shot fired. That has to be her. Did not care for it. I didn't hear anyone else tell someone else to stop today, so I'm not sure. Ah!

Bossettes, maybe. All right. And best to Chris Dunk. Rogers, what would you like to plug? Well, I mean, I don't even need to plug my event planning business. Obviously, it's doing so well. Where can people find you if they have a loved one or even a hated one who's dead? Where can they find you to throw the big farewell party? Let's partay in the afterlife dot com.

So awesome. And part A with two A's, right? It's actually E with an accent over it. Accent of goo? Grav. Grav. Yes.

Now you can't call deletes, Jodi. Come on. Which I know when I first was naming my business, you strongly suggested the double A. But I just feel like the E with the accent is, it gives it more spice. It's classy. I don't know which accent does what thing, but I do know how to remember the names, which is...

Accent Agoo, Agooing up. And Accent Grav, in the grave. Now, isn't that interesting, Tony? Because you should know which accent is which because Accent Agoo is in Fiance, which you've had more than your fair share. That's so true. That's so true. And Accent British goes like this. Well, on that note, before we get under the covers and watch a movie together. My idea.

We're going to... We're watching Tangerine. We're watching Tangerine, which was shot entirely on an iPhone. I've been meaning to see it. We're making a big, big bowl of truffle popcorn, and we're going to watch Tangerine as a family. All right. I'd like to thank my engineer, Scott, for the work that he does on this podcast when I'm not around. He is exceptional, by the way. He's all right. He's all right.

And, uh, uh, and, the last thing for me to plug is of course, uh, weirdamonyalamony Tony, uh, on YouTube. Uh, I have over three dozen song parodies, uh, that I have spent. I've made videos for a critical personal expense. And, uh, I would love to get the view count up to two. Uh,

On even one of them. So please do check those out. And speaking of song parodies, I will close it out with this one. Hit it. Look out the calendar. Another month goes by. I know it's time again and hope my pen's not dry. I sit down at my desk and I get prepared.

My gaseous paper money simply must be shared. Divorce agreements bind me, but I can't say that I mind. It's time to write some checks to my ex-wife. All right. Salamone Tony, signing off. I probably should have mentioned that I'm independently wealthy from the invention of gaseous paper because it was the lyric of the song. But that's a tale for another time. So long, everyone. Stay married if you can.

Thank you for listening to Alimony Tony's Valimony Shoney. Rogers was played by Mandel Mon. Joni Cassarelli was played by Mary Sohn. Lizzie Giacchieroni was played by Mitra Johari. And Ronda Roto was played by Nicole Parker. Who am I, you ask? Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha

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If you've been having your McDonald's sausage McMuffin with an iced coffee from somewhere else, now is the right time to reconsider. Revitalize and caramelize your morning with any size caramel, French vanilla, or classic iced coffee for just 99 cents. And pair it with a juicy, melty sausage McMuffin with egg for $2.79. Prices and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.