Bonus Bang: Paul Rust, Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins Return (Old No-No's)
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Hey everybody, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang, where we re-release old episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from behind the paywall. Now we are in the middle and coming up towards the end of our old no-no series. This is our fifth and penultimate, meaning last before the ultimate, the last one.

This is the first episode of the series of Old No-No's.

This episode was originally released on March 6th, 2017. We have Paul Rust and Gillian Jacobs. They're back. They co-starred on a show called Love that Paul Rust created for Netflix. And, you know, who else is back? Paul F. Tompkins as Big Chunky Bubbles. And you might have been able to guess that from the title. Of course, there are new no-nos. There's a lot of conversation about chowders and...

and the Comedy Bang Bang dating game to see if Gillian can find the perfect husband. Now, if you're enjoying this series, you want access to the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com. There you will find every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every single live episode. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. BANG BANG BANG

Comedy Bang Bang

Hi, thread count, low mortality rate, low thread count. Hi, how are you going, mate? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to John Wilkes Sound Booth for that incredible catchphrase submission. And welcome to the show for another episode. And I have to say, at this point, we truly are at the beginning of March. We truly, truly are. There is no disputing that fact. Are we on the Ides of March? No.

Certainly not. I mean, I've heard of the eyes of a cat, but the eyes of March? No. This is totally different. So here we are at the beginning of March. March 6th. And third month, certainly, of the year. I think part of the issue is I have my glasses on and I'm not used to having them on. Okay, there we go. See? Now I feel like myself. This is more me, right?

Meanwhile, one of our guests is putting on his, oh wow, two glasses, three glasses, oh, okay. I'm sorry, this is the worst way to start a show.

Anyway, hello. Welcome to the show. If this is your first one, I'm so sorry. I understand you're turning it off right now. I'm Scott Aukerman. I'm your host, and it is the beginning of March, and March Madness, that's a thing. And speaking of madness, it's truly insane, the people that we have on the show with us. You've heard of their wonderful Netflix show, Love.

Which comes out, second season comes out in a few days. Comes out Friday, actually, March 10th. March 10th, second season, season two. I'm assuming that we're going to have a good 10 episodes to sift through. 12 this time? Really? Okay. So, and were there 10 last time?

So, 22 episodes, essentially a normal season of TV on a network. And they're also known as the Privacy Chefs. Please welcome back to the show, friends of the show, been on several episodes, Gillian Jacobs, Paul Rust. Hello, welcome guys. Hi, Scott. Hello, hello, hello. It's good to be here. Thank you for inviting us on your show. Were you doing a Snoop Dogg impression? No, I thought I was doing Valerie Cherish from The Comeback. Hello, hello, hello. Hello.

Oh, okay. Interesting. Gillian, a lot of times gets stopped. Either are you Valerie Cherish? Valerie Cherish. Or are you Snoop Dogg? That would be an interesting game to play. Valerie Cherish or Snoop Dogg. Right. Okay, let's play a little bit of it here, okay? I have some quotes here, famous quotes, and you're going to tell me Valerie Cherish or Snoop Dogg. Got it. It ain't no fun if the homies can't get...

None. Valerie. Definitely. Valerie Cherish. Hello, hello, hello. Paul. I'm going to go with just using the last minute, two minutes. I'm going to say Snoop Dogg. Trick question. It's both. They've each said hello to each other.

Three times. Three times, yes. Not three times in a row, but they've seen each other three separate times. They've said hello. The hello once, and then they've combined them in their minds. Scott, also, you were talking about March earlier. Sure, yeah. I had a big run on March. What?

Love that March chunk, man. The thing I'm worried about right now is all those lions out and about. Yeah, well, because it came in like one. Yeah. But, oh, I'm looking forward to them lambs. Ooh, get those lambs in here. Lions, get out. Lambs, come on in. Guys, you are the...

Stars. You're the titular- S-T-A-R-Z. Yes, that's right. This is on Stars, right? So check it out. You guys are the titular love of the show. Correct. Correct. Gus and Mickey love. You guys are in love on the show. In a relationship based on love. Fueled by love. What if it wasn't us two, though? What if-

Love, it was actually about the love between an apple and an apple corer. Sure. What if it were about agape love? Does an apple love an apple corer?

I mean, it's really sort of like being violated by... That's true, I guess. Someone's sticking something into the... But it's taking the middle of you out. Hey, if you do it right, that's the way to do it. Speaking of which... A baby. You take it out of the middle. Yes. Speaking of which, Gilly... Yep.

You are returning to the show after a year, actually 13-month absence on the show. You were last here, I believe, February 14th-ish. Pre-Lion. Mm-hmm. By the way, speaking of which, did you see that movie Lion? No, I didn't. They should follow it up with the movie Lamb, shouldn't they? I mean, if Mr. Hollywood's listening. Mm-hmm.

Ms. Hollywood, thank you so much. Yeah, come on. Sexist much, Paul? God, Gilly, I am so, so sorry. Ms. Hollywood, Ms. Hollywood. Gillian, you haven't been back to the show in a good 13 months at this point, and a lot's been going on. Yes. It's been a rough. It's been a rough time of it. Yeah. We certainly don't have to bring it up, but you're in-

I did. So, hey, why pussyfoot around it right now? You're in mourning. I'm in double mourning. Dual mourning. A lot of people don't get to be in mourning once. Yeah. You know, they die before all of their loved ones. You can do it if you fly New York to L.A. Very good. Early morning flight. What? Is this what it's like working on love together?

Yes. Yes. I know it was a little like what it was like working on Bang Bang with you. Yeah. Except we would applaud and thank you every time you made a joke like that. When I took something out of the garbage and ate it for the amusement of a room. Did you do that? Yeah. I don't believe I was there that day. Yeah, I took food out of the garbage and ate it. What was it? Trying to crack up people. I don't know. Something. Yeah.

Something slight, I think, fruitish. Fruitish? It wasn't like a... A cord apple? No.

And two, fruitish. Speaking of the odds of March. She's going to, yeah. No, I remember, yes, I make a lot of jokes like that. And Gillian will go, which is the response you really want, right? Yeah. But then I think one time you said to me early on, this is very early on. Early on in the process. Early on in the process. She said, when you say those things, do you think you're being funny? Yeah.

Is that rhetorical? Honest question that I don't remember asking. How are you funny, Gillian? Like, what's your sense of humor like? How am I funny? Yeah. If you had to describe your sense of humor to someone. Vicious. Really? Yeah. I'm a real roastmaster general. You're like roastmaster admiral. Listen.

Let's hear one of your zings. You're sardonically irreverent. Dibbick schmibbick, I want more ham. If you had to roast Paul here. I'd stick a spit through him and put him over a fire.

Now we got her doing it. Yeah. You core the middle out of him. I was thinking about this today. Not for the first time, but it did pop in my head. It popped in your head, yes. Is a roast a twist on the toast? That's interesting. I think it might actually be. I think like, oh, yeah, let's do a toast to this person instead. Let's do a roast. Yeah. But then roast has kind of come to mean...

you know, like what it is, like actually roasting someone with jokes. How did they get to roast? You know, did they, you know what I mean? Like what I just did is like, instead, let's do a roast. Like a roast is already a thing. Right. The first guy who said that, they're like, what? Yeah.

Yeah. Because they rhyme? I think you're probably right that it's burning him, right? Except burning wasn't necessarily a slang term for insulting someone until recently, right? That's true. And you wouldn't necessarily want to burn a roast. Yeah, that's true. Maybe you want to get a nice burn on the outside but let it remain tender on the inside. You know what? I'd like to see a Comedy Central toast. Yes, where it's just like nice, genuine statements about how great someone is. About how great...

Donald Trump and William Shatner are. And Rob Lowe. How do you guys like to eat your steak? Medium rare. I'll say it like how Gandhi says it in Gandhi 2, the spoof in UHF. Right. I love a steak. Medium rare. Oh, God.

Both Nick Weiger and I have admitted that the first time we ordered steak medium rare, we did it because Gandhi did and Gandhi too. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you –

What is UHF? Oh, my God. Al, get in here. Get in here, Al. You don't know what UHF is. No. You have a wonderful night ahead of you. Download it, stream it, Blu-ray, whatever you need to do. Watch this film. Just get it in your eyeballs. You're going to hear how Gandhi orders a steak.

Is this like Kentucky Fried Movie? That's something men also talk about. Wait, you think that women don't like UHF? I've never heard a group of women discuss it. That is very reductive, I have to say. There are women all over who love the movie UHF. I'm sure there are. Just not women the way you like to see women? Like pretty ladies who all hang out together talking about clothes? That's what you consider to be what females do?

Yes. Okay, good. Me too. Tell me what's in store for us in season two of Love. Okay, I'll take this question. Oh, boy. You're going to see a wide range of character actors from Los Angeles, California. First, they had to go to Allison Jones' office. She put them on tape. They read scenes. They were given adjustments. They did a second take. Then they were uploaded to the website, and they were called Selects.

The best ones. Which take usually is better? It's usually take two unless someone really comes in with a really great take on the character. There's multiple ways to use the words take. Do they get adjustments if they come in with something really great? Yes, because sometimes people don't – they worry that the actor will feel like they're not in the running if they don't get an adjustment. So getting adjustments is actually good. That's good. I've always said, I'm not going to do that, and I walk out. Oh, that's why you – I'm not going to listen to your bureau of adjustments anymore.

The only way I can get through the door is if I'm wearing a certain special hat. You guys remember that plot line in Adjustment Bureau? Yeah, you know the movie that all the men talk about, the Adjustment Bureau? This is another one of those men movies.

Man. Yeah, but selects. Okay, so they put the selects on the website, and then Paul and everyone watches them on their laptops on set. Oh, so you guys pick who gets the parts. That's good to know for the people who don't get it. You personally are rejecting them. Paul said no to you.

And then they come to set. I always had a sort of a lot of deniability in that of like, oh no, I don't actually like cast the people. Well, what I do is if I see somebody and I don't like them, you know, I'll,

You see this on set all the time. Yes. I'll go, I'll pinch my nose and then go like the stinky hand. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. They stink. Will you say anything like P-U or anything like that? I'll sometimes say P-U or U-P. Yeah. Upper Peninsula, that's where the Michigander is in the audience. And sometimes I'll be holding my nose and waving my hand, but then I'll...

I'll hold up a big stinky fish. Oh, really? And I'll go, I'd rather eat this.

And I'll eat a whole stinky fish. You then eat the stinky fish. We have to take a lot of diarrhea breaks for Paul on set, but the bit's worth it. So when you watch Love, season two, out March 10th, just imagine after every scene, after Paul's coverage, he's going and taking just massive diarrhea blasts. Yeah, sometimes in the scene. Oh, really? Mid-scene. You can see it in my eyes because they turn brown. Sorry.

Okay, so people are auditioning cut to... They're on set. They're on set. Yeah, and then last season they would go to Sony where we no longer shoot. So don't show up there returning guest stars. This is a PSA. And, you know, it's really fun because we'll do it as scripted, but then, you know, they really get the freedom to play around. Oh, that's...

4% is improvised. We have to really be very diligent about that because Netflix only allows 4% improv. Yeah, there are laws on Netflix about that. Otherwise, it's a totally different guild rate, fringes, you know, up the wazoo. It's the impromptu code. 3, 6, yes and 5. Mm-hmm.

Moving on. Yes. So great. So people can watch actors acting in something, basically. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, do you want more details about the background construction? Tell them about the grips. They want to hear about the grips. No, no, no. We all know how that – where are you guys on the call sheet, though? Paul, are you number one? No. You're not? Who is? Oh, okay.

You're number one? Big G, why are you giving me that face? She's got pull. Listening audience, I did not like that face that Scott Aukerman just pulled. I don't know. I would say the person who kind of co-created the show who's starring in it would be number one. No, I would think it's the person who is a beloved TV actor and not a guy from UHF.

You know, when I saw the play Biloxi Blues with Ted Lange, right? And he played the drill sergeant. Drill sergeant, supporting character at best. And he took the last bow because he was on the love boat. I don't like it. I don't like it. You should really secede your number one on the call sheet status to Paul over here for season three. I will for a raise. Okay.

Okay, forget it. But you're never going to guess who number seven is. Oh, let's hear it. We'll find out season two. Oh, really? Do you guys talk about it? We flash the call sheet at the end of each episode. Hey, I know you guys are wondering about it. Okay, so that's it. We've covered it, right, love? Watch it. Just watch it. Oh, it's about two...

No, we get it. I know what it is. They don't deserve to hear your pitch. We're running out of time. But anyway, you guys smooch. I had to come on and sell some bottles of Coke, man. Had to sell that Tide.

You guys smooching it. So anyone who has some sort of purian interest in watching you guys smooch, they should watch it. Yeah, you smooch heads. Yeah, smooch heads. Smooch patrol. Get ready to rocket raw. What does that mean, jerk off? Yeah. Oh, okay. What if the fans of the TV show Love were called the smooch patrol? Ha ha ha!

That's not bad. I like it. That is good. I like that. So like in conventions and stuff, he's like, hey, Smooch Patrol, they're coming out here. I like it. All right. So watch it this Friday. And we're running out of time in this segment. We just have time for, of course, our favorite feature here with Paul. You know, anytime he's on Comedy Bang Bang, he loves to. Well, look, it's safe to say there are things that I don't know how else to say this, but they irk you.

How about cheese off? Oh, okay. Okay. How about rattle? Okay. How about miffed? Oh, boy. Hey, is there anything you want to say retroactively? Like start the clock. Start the clock. Keep that clock going. The clock has started and it...

Shall continue. So what are we doing here? What is this? Noo-no-no's. Oh, shit. All right, let's see if you remember how to do these. Guys, sit. Sit down. You don't need to stand. You know, they don't even know it at home. Noo-no-no's are, everybody's got those things that sticks in their craw. I set up rules, new rules. Wait, but they're not...

I do some new rules. No, no, no. They're not new rules, though. I call them new no-no's, but they are new rules. Oh, no, no, no, no. Where I...

It's my idea of, hey, if I ran the world, Scott. Yeah. And God save us if you did. Yeah. Oh, boy. What a weird world that would be, right? Yeah, from the twisted mind of Paul Rust comes planet Earth. I've already felt like I've been living in the twisted mind of Danny DeVito, you know, watching movies like Throw Mama from the Train. Love it. Wait, so this is something women like?

Women love throw mama. Don't throw mama. Throw mama. Is it don't throw mama or don't? Throw mama. They want to throw mama from the train. But then they don't later on. Spoiler alert. Well. Throw or my mom will jump off the train. So Noon No knows. We don't have a cousin Louie. There's a cousin Louie. So this is something you're making fun of him for imitating Gandhi in UHF. And you're imitating. I didn't make fun. Debatable.

Debatable. Debatable. All right. Back to the new no-no's. Start the clock. Restart that clock. Do. Bop. New no-no. You guys had to deal with quicksand? Everywhere I go, there's a pile of quicksand. Look out. There's some quicksand. I'm sorry. Last time I checked, that sound wasn't... That sound... Sand. That sound...

That sand wasn't quick. It moves very slow. You get sucked down at a slow pace. How about quick sand is fast sand so you die quicker. No, no, no. Fast sand.

Okay. No, no, no. Bricks. This is hot. People always complaining. Why's a brick gotta be square? Why's it gotta be a little rectangle? The shape of a rectangle. Okay, closer. Well, for all of those whiners and complainers, I got an idea. Bricks that are circles. No, no, no. Circle bricks. Okay.

Is it just an idea for a product? No, no, no. Okay. Has anybody else had it up to here with fire hydrants? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Every corner I turn, every street I'm on, I got to go look at a fire hydrant. And guess who only gets to use them? Firemen, right? Yeah. Well, I got a little idea. I got a little notion. I got a little hair up my tiny little asshole. Okay.

Tell us. I think in addition to firemen using fire hydrants, firemen's kids should. No, no, no. The kids run the hydrants now. I like that one. No, no, no. Aerosmith. Guys, did you take a spelling class recently? Doesn't seem so. A-E-R-O-S-M-I-T-H-I-

Not on my watch! Whatever that has to do with planes. I think it should be spelled A-R-R-O-W-S-M-Y-T-H. No, no, no. Steven Tyler's got the blues! Okay, I'm seriously wondering if you remember how to do it. Do you have another one?

Okay. All right. Do you want to stop the clock? Stop that clock. Stop the clock for new rules. No, it's not the clock for Bill Maher's new rules. It's not that at all. Okay. We need to take a break. When we come back, we'll be right back with more comedy. You know what? You already love DoorDash. And now there's even more to love with the new DoorDash Dash Pass Annual Plan Benefit. Here it is. Drumroll, please.

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Sometimes words seem so unnecessary.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. And Paul Rust and Gillian Jacobs from Love are here. And Paul, you started crying during the break. What's happening? Well, with all this talk of Bill Maher, it made me... I miss Milo. Oh, no. Milo, come back to us. He'll be back.

Maybe. I don't know. Or not. I don't know. Who cares? I want him on my TV bookshelf. I'm sorry. Love Netflix, March 10th. Gillian backing away from the mic, does not want to comment because she is in support of him, obviously, and doesn't want to make a public comment. March 10th, new episodes, 12 new episodes. And why the extra two?

Because that season... Did you just write two more? Or were there more story? Or what happened? I think from the beginning we wanted to do a dozen. I am bored with this. I am too. All right. Let's get to our next guest. Wouldn't it be cute if there was a show about a baker and his order was 13? What? What?

It would be funny. That would be the word. You said cute. I was on board. They're already different. I can't tell the two apart. All right. We need to get to our next guest. Shirley Temple, anyone? The funniest entertainer. Funniest and cutest entertainer.

Entertainer. We need to get to our next guest. He is a children's entertainer of note. Yeah. And returning to the program after... Under duress. I'm sorry. No one's forcing you to be here, right? Well, I'm waiting for the big shows to call me. What? How did this get made? What's that?

What are you, cereal? You want cereal to do an episode about you? Yeah, why not? You want to kill them to pick up the phone? You would have to kill someone for them to pick up the phone. Oh, I wish. Anyway. If it were legal, I'd do it all the time. Kill someone? Yeah. I don't think the human mind could really comprehend or, you know, come to grips with killing people all the time. You just got up to the top of my list. Oh, no.

Just end that sentence you were trying to say. Jesus. All right. He is a children's entertainer. Yeah. He works primarily in the soup bubble realm. I work exclusively in the soup bubble realm. I make bubbles. Go on. His name actually, speaking of bubbles. My stage name. Stage name. Have we talked about your real name? Yes. What is it again? You make me say it every time. Please do. Pedia mean. All right. All right.

Pediamine, a.k.a. Big Chunky Bubbles. That's right! I'm a children's entertainer. I make bubbles out of soup, and they're Big Chunky Bubbles. And I call myself Big Chunky Bubbles. Welcome back to the show. Thank you. That seems sincere. Oh, applause. We love you, Big Chunky. Thank you, stranger. Are you a child? My... My... This better be worth it.

My uncle dropped me off. Worth it. Worth it. I think worth it. Worth it. Big Chunky or Mr. Bubbles. How am I supposed to address you? You can't call me Mr. Bubbles. That's copyrighted by those soap people. Should I just call you Petey?

Yeah, I guess. Petey, it's so good to see you again. Yeah, I'll bet it is. You take Gillian and Paul here through a little bit of your history. You, of course, are a children's entertainer who you have. You've seen soap bubble entertainers, haven't you? Oh, yeah. Boring. Mm-hmm.

And they're boring, right? Agreed. Yeah, a little boring. Any old bath can make soap bubbles. You make them by accident. Where's the artistry? If you fart in a hot tub, you make bubbles. There you go.

I'm not sure if you're proving his point or disproving it. I think she's proving it. Very well said. Thank you. If you're two chimps and you have a baby and you sell it to one of the world's singing superstars, you made some bubbles too. A bubble. If you're two chimps. So anyone listening, if you happen to be two chimps... In the past. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think Bubbles' parents are still alive? Oh, I hope so. Oh, they must be proud. Did Bubbles outlive Michael Jackson? Does anyone know? I don't think so. Take it to the internet. I believe Bubbles is dead. I saw a documentary where Latoya visited Bubbles. Oh, really? But I don't know if it was pre or post. But she visited him at his house. Or was he at work?

Using it like a zoo is sad. It would be really sad for Bubbles to go from this wonderful life of living with Michael Jackson in a palace, all that you really, you know, everything that's expected of you. Everything monkeys want. Yeah, monkeys really like the rich life. But really, the only thing that's expected of you that's kind of a bummer is you have to watch Michael Jackson doing these weird things to...

But, you know, other than that, it's like a great life, right? You know that song, The Way You Make Me Feel? That was inspired by Bubbles. Really? Because Bubbles was, you know, he was a chimp, so he was eating a lot of bananas. And he was just throwing the refuse around. Sure. And Michael Jackson was walking by, and then he went, he slipped, and he went, I slipped on a banana peel. Oh!

And he was like, wait a minute, that's got a hook to it. That's got a real stanky hook. Slipped on a banana. Am I here as a prank? It knocked me off of my feet. Now, baby. Yeah. So then he loved the tune and he loved the rhyme. Why is this still happening? This thing I thought of in first grade. Yeah.

Did you ever... Serious question. If Al Yankovic had come out with a song, I slipped on a banana peel, would you have lost your mind? I would have called up the old lawyers and three words, Scott. Litigate. Litigate. Litigate. Courtroom. That's where you do it. Yeah, that's where I would do it. So now, Big Junkie Bubbles... Yeah, hi, still here. You basically take...

Big vats of soup. It's very simple. I use various tureens of soups, stews, and chowders. And using my bubble wand, I make very complex, intricate bubbles that are big and chunky. Are the chunks inside the bubbles or on the exterior of the bubble? Both. Wow. By the way, what's your favorite chowder?

New England clam. So by the end of the party, is there just a film of soup on the floor? Yes, it's very slick and dangerous. And these are hot soups as well. They're piping hot. It makes the best bubbles. Right. Where do you do these outdoors? Children's parties. Children's parties. I should do them outdoors. I don't know why parents don't get the message.

I like it. Have you ruined furniture and rugs? Furniture got ruined, but I wouldn't say I ruined it. What about yourself? Your own? You get any physical harm? Look at my arms. They're covered with burns. Exposed veins. That's why I wear my tux. Yeah, exposed veins.

I burned right through the skin. Right through the epidermis. That's right. Right through the dermis. That's right. Here's my veins. That's why I wear long sleeves. Hey, it must be easy to get high, though. Yeah, dude. You just puff a little bit on those veins. What? Puff on his veins? On his own veins? That's what he meant. He meant I could inject myself with heroin. When did you get this idea for making chunky soup bubbles?

When I was a child, I was fascinated by piping hot soup. You like to eat it? No, I like to look at it. My mother was very cross with me. Eat your soup, it's going cold, she would say. But you didn't want to eat it. You were just fascinated by the look of it. I wanted to watch the bubbles for as long as they were around. How long does it take for a soup to cool? To where no bubbles are formed? Yes.

You must know this to the second. The soup has to be hot to form a bubble? Kill him. Yes. Have you ever eaten soup before? No. You've never eaten soup before? You should try it. From what I understand, it's pretty good. Why are you telling me to try it? You don't eat it. Well, that's because of my job. Well, maybe I'm going to open up a competing soup bubble business. Really? This is interesting. I will call it.

Liquid meal spheres. LMS? Yep. Wow. I got to say, I have zero competition in this business. As far as I know, I'm the only person who makes big, chunky bubbles out of soups, soups, and chowders. And something about this is very exciting to me. You know what's interesting? Yeah, you have...

I was almost going to say there's no reason to even ask who are you going to call because you're the only person to call, but it makes me think of the Ghostbusters song. Why is he even asking that question of who are you going to call? There's only one Ghostbusters, right? I think he's asking in a rhetorical, and if I may, condescending manner. You really, Ray Parker Jr. Of course you're going to call Ghostbusters. Well, maybe you call a priest. Maybe you call a religious leader. Maybe you call

But they're not going to solve the problem. Well, they could do perhaps an exorcism. The Ghostbusters are the only ones who are going to clean up the town in that manner. We don't know. I don't know. We don't know. That's true. Anyway, back to this. You guys, are you interested? Yes. You're truly interested in the Soap Bubble game? What's your name again, dear? Mike. Your name is Mike? Yep. What's your last name?

Mike P. Is that P-E-E? P-E-A. Oh. Because I like split pea soup. So you have dried soup? No, I like the color. Who likes the color of split pea soup? It's beautiful. It reminds me of the rich loamy earth. I love loams and legumes. What's your favorite loam? Silt. Silt.

It's tough to beat. So, I mean, you're actually excited by this, though, Big Chunky Bubbles? Oh, yeah. I've never had any kind of competition. I've always been unique in my field, which is a blessing and a curse. Obviously, all the money for soup bubbles goes to me. Some would say competition is what spurs people to achieve more than they would normally have achieved. Innovate. Exactly. It's like I

would have a competitor who would spur me to greater creative heights just like you i don't know who that would be for you you're right joe comics you know what pd i don't know why i keep having you on i neither what's your we have a very contentious relationship no what's your biggest gig to date

Well, I did the Just for Kids Festival in Montreal. Yeah, people can hear that episode from Montreal. I was savagely reviewed in the local paper. Yeah, he read the review on it. Oh, don't do that. It was pretty terrible. Petey, you must have endorsements just knocking your door down. You would think that all men are of soup companies. Oh, Campbell's? Yeah, that's a big one. Hunt?

They're number two. They try harder.

But you don't because... No! I think it's because of how often people have been scalded by the bubbles. Well, you also don't like to eat soup. So what are they advertising with you? Yeah, you'd be coming from a position of ignorance. I did have one meeting one time with someone from Del Monte. And they said, what's your favorite soup? And I said, I wouldn't eat soup on a bed. And that was the end of that meeting. Okay.

Yeah, the scalding is a big problem. Canceled my Progresso appointment later that day. They canceled your Progresso appointment? How could they do that? I did. I figured I see where this is headed. These soup guys like you to really stroke them. So big chunky bubbles. Stroke it.

So, Big Chunky Bubbles, what are you up to now? I mean, obviously, I haven't seen you in a few months. Have you been out there entertaining the children? Or you're always an innovator. You always have things going on. It's been a really fallow period for old Big Chunky Bubbles. Yeah. I haven't had any gigs. Kids not having birthdays in these months? They seem to be having birthdays, but I don't seem to be hired to entertain them. What's your website like? What's your online presence like?

Do you have a landing page? I do have a landing page, thanks to Squarespace. Sure. I didn't even know what it was or what it did, but it came for free. And I was like, all right, good. Free with the service.

So, yeah, what's it like, though? Is your phone number there? Is there a way to contact you? I mean, I tried to do something artistic with it. And so my website, my official homepage, is basically a treasure map to the information. That's the treasure at the end of the trail. Okay, and how do people solve this? Stroke that treasure. Okay.

Why do you keep saying strokes? Because treasure trail. I just thought of dicks. I don't know. Are you constantly thinking of dicks? Not always, but sometimes. So how do you solve the treasure map? There's a list of three dozen instructions. Oh, boy. That's way too much. I advise people to print it up.

People don't want to print up a website in order to solve a riddle. Well, then they don't want to contact me. Well, they don't, and you were seeing what's happening. Your business is just lying fallow. I'm an artist, and I try to make everything I do artistic. Well, some things shouldn't be artistic. Some things should be simple, right? What? Name one thing that shouldn't be artistic. Sometimes soup. Sometimes the most simple of soups.

A broth. What do we think of broths? Broth is like the precursor to a soup. Boom. It's like what a soup could be, but you have to put a bunch of stuff. It's just, you know, water. Basically, it's chicken flavored water or whatever. At what point does something become a soup from a broth? When you put one thing in it?

Like a stone? Yeah, anything. Like if you put some chicken in it, is it then, is it a soup? If you put one piece of chicken, is it a chicken soup? No. It needs multiple pieces of chicken. That's a garnish if it's just one piece of chicken. So two pieces of chicken. Minimum five. You know your soups. I do know my soups inside and out. Wait, I'm having an idea here. Uh-oh. When I was a child...

Someone hired a clown for my classmate's birthday party. How original. But hear me out. At the end of the party, he revealed to the birthday girl's grandmother that he was also a stripper. So I was thinking maybe you could get this. This is a true story. Hold on. Uh-oh. In front of the children, he revealed this? I heard it. What?

And how did this come up? Did he say, oh, BTW, I also could end the day by stripping right now if you were to pay me extra? Granny, yes. Okay. Did he call her granny? Did she take him up on it or? That. You don't know? I don't know. I went home. Okay. I kind of thought that he was going to end up stripping at the same party. Yeah.

That's extra. He was going to be instantly engaged in his second capacity. I met that guy before, that clown. Really? Yeah. And I was like, how do you figure it out? Like, you got to do two different things. Seems like it's complicated. There must be a lot of paperwork. And he said, no, it's very easy. I just go, you want the bozo or the blowjoe?

He would be the one receiving the blowjob. So not a lot of paperwork then. Zero. So, but Gilly, why did you bring this up? Well, I think that you should really expand your notions of your operation here. Well, for your information, miss, I'm not only a bubble artist. That is my primary art. It's true.

But at the end of every party, I let any grandmothers know, by the way, I also can sculpt things out of meat. Sculpt out of meat? Yeah. That's great. I'm not trying to stand in the way of your meat sculptures. Good, because you can. I would simply suggest that in addition to offering soup bubbles at parties, you have a clown there. He could really...

Wait, you want to find this clown who's a stripper? Is that what I'm getting at? You're just looking for this clown that's a stripper that excited you so much when you were a kid. Yes. You've been searching for this clown ever since. Been thinking about it nonstop. Okay, look. No, I want to hear about that. Nonstop.

I want to hear about the meat sculptures. You make meat sculptures. I take the biggest hunk of meat I can find. How big are these hunks of meat that you're usually finding? Like a rack of ribs or what are you doing? No, like a side of beef. A full side of beef. If I can get my hands on one, sure, but it's expensive. Right, so you're bringing these. You're not saying, hey, what meat do you have around the house? Well...

They don't always want the meat sculpture, so it'd be foolish for me to bring my own meat there every time. Right, okay. So I usually ask, if you happen to have a side of beef, I'd be happy to make a sculpture for you. And what kind of thing can you make out of a side of beef? You ever seen the Eiffel Tower? I have. Let me see. I went to Paris. I stayed right there in the middle of Paris. Scott, forget it. Forget it? Why? Paris. Oh, Paris. Great. Yeah.

Was that a play on the famous movie everyone knows? You're on fire, Paul. Everyone's favorite Billy Crystal, Deborah Winger movie? I really wondered what it would look like. I thought that was called We'll Always Have Paris. That's just the saying. All right. Eiffel Tower. You saw the Eiffel Tower. I did see the Eiffel Tower. I'm remembering now I saw the Eiffel Tower. It was an Eiffel Tower.

Is there a gas leak in here? I don't know what's going on right now. Paul's so happy. Like a virus, it's spread to Gillian. So look, so you make the Eiffel Tower. Yes! Okay. You had me reset everything I ever say. All you said was, you ever heard of it? We go up down this Laffy Taffy Road, and then you come back to me, and you're like, what are you all about again? What?

That's the whole show. Every time? Yes. Who would listen to this? What if you had a dog that also made bubbles, but they were fart bubbles? Getting back to my earlier point. Are you looking for ideas? Is that what this is? He doesn't have any

Is this like Shark Tank? We're supposed to be pitching you things? Why are you mad at me? I thought that you came in here wanting to talk about something. I did. And then this one keeps telling me first she's going to be my competition. Then she's pitching me ideas. I got to involve all these other people and animals. Do you have a pet, by the way? I used to have a dog. Oh, what happened?

Can you take a guess what it was? Died? Yeah. Wait, but from soup? Yeah. Oh, no. Dogs love meat soups. They love it. Yeah, they love nothing more than meat. It gets them crazy. And they love some vegetables, too, sometimes. Yeah, sometimes. I mean, some dogs just eat anything you put in front of them. Yeah. And so what happened?

Well, I was practicing a new bubble. Oh, the bubbles are in shapes of things that exist already or just in strange oblong shapes that look cool? There's only so many shapes you can make a bubble go into. Well, you could do like a Mickey Mouse where it's like, ooh, one big bubble and then two bubbles on top of it. I've done it. Yeah. Right, right. Do you get sued by the Walt Disney Corporation if you do a Mickey Mouse soup bubble? They've tried.

But I say, here's the thing. I always say, oh, it's just a coincidence. That wasn't supposed to look like that. It's their fault for making Mickey look like something. That's right. Yeah, I say, how come nature's not suing you for Mickey Mouse looking like three bubbles together? But no mouse looks like Mickey Mouse, so nature can't sue Walt Disney Corporation. Exactly, and that's why they don't probably.

So you were making a new bubble and it exploded on your... It looked like a cat head. Oh, no. That's... I made as close as I could two triangular bubbles on top of a spherical bubble. Wow. My little dog...

Just chased after it. Damocles. He went crazy for it. Damocles. He landed right in the vat of soup. Oh, no. Oh. It was terrible. It smelled delicious. You didn't eat the soup after that. Of course not. Okay. He never eats soup, Scott. Okay. There are two reasons not to. I don't like soup, and also my dog was in there. Oh. So just cooked right up, huh? He cooked himself right up. Oh.

And as a tribute to him, I used that same soup with Damocles in it at my next gig. Oh, no. No.

A lot of people didn't agree that the soup smelled delicious. Oh. Some people thought it smelled like a charred dog. Well, yeah. Like that phrase came up a lot during the show. It's interesting that you think that it's delicious, though. It smelled delicious to me. That's what smells delicious to you. Well, look, my olfactory senses are not the best. I think it's from so many scaldings from exploding soup bubbles. Yeah, yeah. So, Big Junkie Bubbles, why are you here?

Well, you know, I'm putting myself out there. Oh, really? As you know, my wife died. You probably forgot. No, I remember you told me. Oh, you finally remember? I mean, I don't remember a lot of it. Three times I've met you. Twice you had to make me tell you the story of my wife dying. Tell me again, though, because I meet a lot of people. It's hard to remember the details sometimes.

Here's some new people I haven't met before. Can you guess how my wife died? Oh, soup. Yeah, that's right. It was a bubble accident, of course. She didn't know to steer clear?

It's not that she didn't notice to your clearance that what I was working on was a particularly... Look, this is a matter of public record. Right, yes. My wife is not to blame in her death. It's my fault. Yeah, we're implying it is your fault. I never said it wasn't. We don't need to imply. We can just say it. You think I never accused my wife of doing suicide by soup? How much money you got? I beg your pardon?

What a bold question. Scott, I know where this is going. I know where this is going. Ease up. What are you trying to say, Big Chunky Bubbles? I'm a widower, as you know, and it's been several years. And, you know, I think I'm ready to put myself back out there on the market and maybe even find a mom for my stupid old kids. How many children do you have? I got three kids. How old are they? How are they now since the last time we've spoken? Yeah.

I'm going to say the twins, Robbie and Bobby. Sure. By the way, aren't they both just named Robert? No! We've been over this. Roberta and Robert. It could be if it's a boy and a girl. Could be, isn't. It's Robbie and Bobby. Those are their names. How old are they now? Eleven. Okay. And then you're... And then Tag. Tag, yeah. Hewer. Hower. Hower.

Tag is the one that you are not that fond of. I'm not crazy about any of them, to be honest. But Tag, he was a surprise many years after we had the twins. How old is he? He's three. No, I'm out. Scott, I won't do it. We call him Tag because he's extra. Right, yeah. Like a skin tag. Yeah.

They're motherless? These are motherless children. Yes, they just have me, their dad. Nope, I'm not doing it. Well, hold on. What are you talking about? Scott, I know what wicked games you're up to, Chris Isaac, Scott. I may have invited big chunky bubbles here. Hey, sidebar. Yes. Remember when Chris Isaac had that TV show? That was weird. That was strange. You ever see that thing he did to Cameron Diaz? No, what did he do? That's all I think about when I hear his name.

What did he do to Cameron Diaz? He forced a kiss on her that she didn't want. Oh, I remember that. The Smooch Patrol was irate. The Smooch Patrol was very upset about that. At some MTV show or something, right? Yeah. Then Adrian Brody did that to Halle Berry. To Halle Berry, yeah. You know, if you ever win an award, it's a real position of power. What a weird trend of two. I guess you need three to be a trend. Maybe it's like pieces of chicken in a soup. You need five.

But look, I may have invited big chunky bubbles here because Gillian, I know of your recent issues with in the, you know, I hate to plug it again, but the love department. Is this a setup? Look, I

I like you, Gillian. I like you, big junkie. Well, that's maybe a little strong. That was a close one. You may be the guest I like the least out of anyone that's ever been on this show. Scott! But I think sometimes, you know, fate thinks that two people who seemingly would be mismatched are actually a great match. And, you know, Gillian, since you were on the show last, of course, you're now penniless and blinded.

broke and without any sort of romance in your life. And here's a man who's a relatively recent widower who has three annoying children and who is out of work. To be fair, the children only annoy me. Sure. They don't annoy other people? No, no. I didn't take a poll or anything. You could. I suppose I could. All right. Let's go through it. Do you own a home?

Almost. Where? In Encino. Nope. Really? Encino is it? Deal breaker. No, I can't. I have too many X's in Encino. What? Really? Yeah. Really? What parts of Encino? Why are they all in Encino? X-ino. Well, Brendan Fraser is one of them. Okay, yeah. And he lives in Encino? No.

Come on, Paul. Great work on the affair this year. You got it, didn't you, Paul? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, he's an Encino man. Encino man, sure. Have you guys swapped bodies? Encino man, one of those movies that women talk about. What? Hey, where did I put my earrings? I don't even have my ears pierced. And you know that. I know that. What a freakish fighting.

Look, we need to take a break. No! We need to take a break, Gilly. When we come back, I really want to make a case for big chunky bubbles here, and we're going to play a little something that I like to call the Comedy Bang Bang Dating Game. When we come back, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. You know what? You already love DoorDash, and now there's even more to love with the new DoorDash Dash Pass Annual Plan Benefit! Here it is. Drumroll, please. Uh...

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. We have Gillian Jacobs and Paul Rust from the Netflix series Love, March 10th. Hello! Hi! Second season, we'll get to see them fall even deeper and deeper in love. The Smooch Patrol, very excited about that. Twelve episodes, of course. And we also have Big Chunky Bubbles, who is a children's entertainer, and you've been pouting the entire commercial. Well, look, I want this young lady to know...

I didn't come here to be set up. I wasn't in on this. Okay. This is news to me. Yeah. Fair enough. So... That's not my problem with you. Look, before you go into your problems...

What is? I want to know what the problem is with me. You've got three children. Yeah. You're broke. I think Gary had more children than three. But they were adult. I don't want to raise these children. And you live in a real hot spot of exes for me in Sino, California. Listen, the kids practically raise themselves. I try to really keep my distance.

What do they do? Like, you're here doing a podcast for a couple hours. Yeah. Like, what are they up to now? God knows. Do you have them making your soups?

They participate sometimes in the making of soups. They're not very good at it. But being kids, they have to have some sort of hookup with other kids who maybe want to have a birthday party entertainer? You would think, but every time I broach the subject with them, they say, Oh, Dad, we're kind of loners at school. We don't really have friends or do activities, but I'm always having to sign permission slips for them to go have fun. What if you button the subject with them?

I don't know what's happening right now. Is button the opposite of brooch? No, it's just a different thing. What about for your kids? You could do their parties. You pay himself? Yeah, exactly. What, you only do it for getting paid? I'm just saying give them a thrill. Do their party. How much do you owe in the house? It's almost paid off. How much do you owe in the house?

$500,000. Scott! How much is it worth? Scott! $200,000. What is the... You've borrowed... I've taken out several mortgages. Oh. Scott, I've got bills. I know you do, but look, it's time to play something... Well, I've got the skills to pay those bills. Do you, though?

I'm very good at what I do. I'm alone in my field. Whenever there's a demand for bubbles made out of soups or stews, I'm the guy they call. Well, not when I get L-M-

Liquid. Meal. Sphericals. Spheres. You're both fired. All right. It's time to play something that we've never played on the show before, and we're going to have a lot of fun doing it. It's time to play the Comedy Bang Bang Dating Game. What? Introducing our bachelorette. She stars on Love, Season 2, March 10th. You can take a look at her smooching.

Gillian Jacobs. What? What? And we have three bachelors. What I want you to do is I want you to take your mic over there. Turn around. Okay? Okay. Now you're going to ask the three of us questions here. Okay.

And you're not going to know who's answering. There already seems to be a major flaw with this premise. Now, you don't know who just said that, right? No, that was Paul. Right. Okay. Ask us questions about ourselves, and we'll each answer. And then at the end, I want you to pick bachelor number one, two, or three, and you're going to have to marry that person. And I'm willing to throw my hat in the ring. What kind of marriage?

We're talking, I don't know, what kind of marriage are you looking for? What kind of marriage? We're talking everything. We're talking... Marriage of convenience. Soup to nuts. Can we switch the numbers? Soup to other soups. The bachelor numbers? Sure, yeah, we'll switch them around. What were they to begin with? Then how do I choose at the end if you keep switching the numbers? You add them all up and divide by three. Right.

All right, so do you have a question in mind right now? Yes. Okay, here we go. We're going to go to Bachelor number one. Bachelor number one, how much money do you have? I have two nickels to rub together. Bachelor number two, how many outstanding parking tickets do you have? None. I don't have a car. Bachelor number three, if you found a dirty diaper in your bed...

What would you do? I would nod and go, oh, it happened again. Bachelor number two. Wait, did we switch the numbers yet? No. Okay, let's switch. All right. Bachelor two. All right. Bachelor number two. Yes. Why? Chord. The chord goes inside the screw, and then you flip the switch. No, no, no, no, no. Don't flip the switch. Okay, good. Great. That was great.

Bachelor number four. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Underneath it all, who are you? I'm just a boy looking at the back of a girl, assuring her that my kids are not really a big part of my life. Bachelor number nine. Yep. Get the fuck out of here. Okay. Oh, more of a statement. Bye. Bachelor number two. Bachelor number two! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

I don't even think that you understand me at all. Prove it now. Somewhere deep inside of you, there is a tiny voice crying out, You will all bow down to me when I come into my place of power. Illuminating. Bachelor number 10. I'm sorry, I left. Bachelor number 10. I'm gone. Bachelor number 10. All right, what? You caught him. Would you kill for me? I would kill you.

For me. Yes. If you ask me... To kill me for me? Yes. If you were like, I can't stand the pain anymore. She'll kill me for me. Not because I look like Terry Polo. I don't know what that is. She likes me for me.

I'm worried about you, too. We fell in love watching Office Space. We fell in love watching Office Space. There probably is someone out there who fell in love watching Office Space. It stands to reason. Staplers. They had a lot of staplers at their wedding. Yeah, probably Jennifer Aniston, a little egoist.

Ron Livingston? Mm-hmm. Here's my impression of Jennifer Aniston. Let's put on office space tonight. Oh, Jen. Uh-oh, that song. I'm ready to make my decision. That song means we're out of time. I thought that song meant time to go outside. Mom's watching TV. This is probably the podcast with the largest amount of swings to misses.

That has ever been recorded. I like, though, you say a thing and then you just look down at the ground. As if to say, I've released it. And whatever happens next is not up to me. Gillian, we're going to have to ask, who did you pick out of those bachelors? I picked Sir Richard Branson. Not a choice. You're going to have to pick one of the bachelors. I pick...

Mr. Soupy Bubble Man. What? Me? How do you know which one it was out of the numbers? I don't care about those answers. I don't care about the

The rules. I don't care about the fact that I secretly have eyes on the back of my head that you never knew about and I could see all of you the whole time. What? That's weird. I was stroking it the entire time. I saw it. We all saw it. Oh, yeah. I guess I should have seen. You guys were looking right at me. Yeah. You were looking at us, too. It was weird. And I have a set of eyes on your thigh.

The thighs? Yeah, that's how I saw it. The thighs have it. Well, this is great. Is this though, Scott? Is this though? I mean, you know, look, you don't have a lot of options these days. Why? Why am I only limited to guests of this podcast? Look, you're approaching—let me talk tough with you. All right? Tough talk. You're approaching a certain age.

You know what I mean? You're an unmarried actress in Hollywood. You know, the bloom has kind of... Wait, what? The bloom has kind of come off the rose a bit. All right. If I may be so blunt. I'm a lot like that guy on Blunt Talk. I just like to be blunt.

You don't have a lot of options left. Look, I mean, Paul and I, we were both playing Bachelor, what is it called? Dating game? But we're both married. I think we would have had to have bowed out had we won, you know? Yeah, we're part of a very special club that gets a very special ring to be a part of it. Oh, yeah.

You know, I mean, we've got to marry you off because there's not much time left. You know? Why are you crying, Paul? Is it about Milo again? I miss Milo. It comes in waves, huh? Yeah, you think you forget it and then a few minutes pass and then it comes back up. It's like you wake up in the morning and there's that time before you remember that Milo's gone. Yeah.

So, Gillian, what do you say? So you're telling me, because I'm an unmarried actress approaching a certain age. You haven't found your Warren Beatty yet, like a person several decades older who's going to... Did somebody say Warren Beatty? Wait, did he just walk in? Hello! I got some envelopes to pass around. Hello!

I've been slipping and sliding all over the place, dropping all over the place. Warren, we're in the middle of a show. You got to go. Bye! That was exciting. Scott, I did find two of them. You had them, but fate being what it is...

You know, who could have foretold that? The tragedy would have struck Comedy Bang Bang this way, you know? This is too painful. I can't deal with this. I mean, I should at least be comforted with wealth. Even if I'm going to have to deal with your children. Look, this is the kind of guest we have on now. What happened? All the wealthy ones are going. Why do I have to get married at all? That's what I'm wondering. Because people are going to start rumors about you if you don't get married. Let them. Let them.

You don't want to become an old maid, do you? Remember It's a Wonderful Life? That tragic ending? Never seen it. Oh, it's so scary. It's so scary. That's the thing that really breaks him. She's an old maid. Her vision went and she worked at the library. That sounds delightful. I always wanted to be a librarian. The fact of just not marrying him made her wear glasses. She was probably peering around for a husband.

I don't know about you, Soup Man. I don't know. Well, I don't know about you either. You know about me. I know a little bit about you. Let's cut the shit, Soup Man. You know all about me. We just earned our E, baby. What do you know about Gillian? Ever see Community? What's that? Season 6? You ever have Yahoo screen? It's on Hulu now, Scott. What is everybody saying? I don't understand any of these terms.

All six seasons are on Hulu now. You're an actress, right? Actor. Probably not classically trained. Excuse me. Is that what an octopus says? No, that's what it does. Right. Sorry. Jeez, what is your fucking problem? I'm so irate. I'm irate. You don't.

thought about what it's done to me emotionally to go through what I've gone through in the last 13 months. I know, I know, but look at me. Didn't anyone console you? Anybody? I didn't hear from... Strangers on Twitter? Yes, of course. For days and days? Yes, yes, but Scott, the person I look to for my emotional comfort. I'm trying to help you. You shore me up.

Power me up, Scott Aukerman. I'm trying to help you because I've seen you over the past few months. You haven't been getting out there. You've been moping around. Where have you seen me then if I haven't been getting out? I watched season one of Love. I just assumed that you were acting that way because, you know, you were kind of depressed. Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying she seems sad based on the last few times you've seen her on a TV show. I assumed like, oh, wow, she's not trying that hard. She must be sad.

So look, I feel like I can help you. I'm your friend. I'm your buddy. Who in this room other than me is your biggest buddy? You know what I mean? And don't look at Engineer Brett. Don't you dare. But he Googles things when I tell him to, which is more than you ever do. Gilly, what do you say? I say give me a break.

I say, cut me loose, man. I say, give me the real deal, man. I've been looking for my whole life. No more of these sad sack Hollywood millionaire types. No more of these soup salesmen. Give me a real man with some real estate. Give me some man with stocks and bonds. Give

Found some stalks and bondage. Give me a man who's got some kneecaps that are solid and some eyes that can see. I can't take this shit anymore. That was Juilliard caliber delivery. I'm sorry, guys, but look, we're running out of time. We just have one last thing to do on the show. That's a little something called... Closing up the plug bag. No. Called plugs. Cool.

There's a time in the show, it's almost time to go. And you've got an interesting gig coming up. Let people know about it, let people on the show about it. It is time to do your plug.

Oh, very nice. That was Time to Do Your Plugs by Danny Hager, maybe, or Hauger? Not sure. How would you pronounce that? How would you pronounce pronounced? Hauger. Hauger, maybe? All right, guys. What are we plugging up? Obviously, Gilly and Paul, you have Love, season two of which out this Friday. Season two of which?

What happened? He said love season two of Witch. Season two of Witch is out Friday. Boy, oh boy. Did you think I was talking about someone like Mike Cernovich or something? Or a witch. Oh, you thought I mentioned an actual witch. Oh, my gosh. Two of Witch. Mike Cernovich. I don't know who I'm even talking about. It's not pleasant. Can I do Mr. Soup's plugs? Sure. Okay. Mr. Soup.

He's going to be appearing at the Americana on March 13th, unlucky day. He's going to be appearing at the parking lot of the Kmart across the street from the Grove on March 15th. And we have a tentative booking for a birthday party on March 17th.

In Altadena. I don't even know what's happening now.

Are you my manager? I downloaded your iCal when you weren't looking. Well, the gig at the Americana is going to be something special. I'm filling that fountain with soup, and I'm going to make the biggest soup bubbles anyone's ever seen. Tell them about the Kmart parking lot. The Kmart parking lot, I'm going to be giving out advice. So if you want to know how to get into the soup bubble game, meet me right by the entrance to the Kmart, not where the handicapped spot is, but to the left of that.

And finish strong with the Altadena appearance. The Altadena appearance will be a funeral of a friend of mine. Oh, no. You didn't mention who's dead. It's my mentor. The guy who taught me everything I know about making soup bubbles. What is his or her name? You said guy, so what is his name? That's right. It was a woman. Oh, okay. What was her name? Her name was Madam Stew.

Madam Stew. Madam Stew. She taught me the art. Of making bubbles? Of making bubbles out of soup. Oh, my gosh. This is terrible. How long have you known her?

Like a month. It didn't take long to learn. You've only been doing... Wait, I've met you earlier than a month ago. Yeah, I only knew her for a month. Oh, wait, and then you just stopped all contact? Oh, I haven't seen her in years. Oh, okay. Why are you so sad? Oh, wait, are you thinking about Milo? I had some spit in my mouth. Oh, okay. I'm thinking about Milo. Yeah, like, yeah.

to bring his name up sorry guys sorry because I miss him he was so funny he was hilarious he was just joking around what's the big deal Paul do you have anything to plug I think Milo is on real time with Bill Maher you can still catch it yeah you can still catch it HBO Go check it out no watch love yep

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Okay. Big Chunky Bubbles, anything to plug? I already did his. Okay, sorry. Anything for Gillian to plug? Yes. You should check out a comedian named Paul F. Tompkins. He's hilarious. One of the best. One of the best. Okay. One of. Mm-hmm. He's up there. Might he have any appearances or anything coming out? No.

Spontaneation. Spontaneation. Spontaneation. Great podcast. Spontaneation. It comes out on Mondays here on Earwolf. Anything else he's doing? Yes. He's got a show called Bajillion Dollar Listing on- No. No. Bajillion Dollar Properties. Thank you. On CISO, he's got- The third season, I believe, features someone in this room that I'm looking at. Both-

Both peoples that you're looking at. No, he was in season two. You're in season three, my dear. But we shot it only a day apart. I know, but that's how television works. That's Hollywood. Bubble boy. Now you're bubble boy? Get it? Soup can. I think I get it. All right. I'm going to plug, let's see. First of all, if you're at South by Southwest this weekend. Pass. Nope. I'll be there. Oh, you are? When? Tomorrow.

Who cares? I'll be there doing a show on the 11th and the 12th. The 11th, I believe, is at 6 p.m. at Esther's Follies, and the 12th is at 4 p.m. What show are you doing? Comedy Bang Bang live podcast. So we'll be the guests. I thought you always had me on these live shows. I've done so many of them. You've been on one or two. What? Yeah. That's insane. Yeah, you've only done like one or two.

Out of how many? God, we've had a hundred over the years. That's ridiculous. Sorry. So go check those out. Also, if you go to the store, we have back in stock. We have the Hainong Man t-shirts are back in stock. The Comedy Bing Bong t-shirts. The You Talking U2 to Me t-shirts are back.

Also, we have some new shirts out there. Technicality No-Down Boo Over and Hey Dong Man Ain't Nothin' to Fuck With shirts. And the Motherfuckers Want to Laugh Harris Whittles Memorial T-shirt is back in stock. So check those out. And also, if you are a fan of Tracy Reardon, we have all of her greatest hits in one place on the Howl app. We have a big playlist, eight episodes featuring her.

Tracy Reardon. Check those out. All right. That's about it. Where's the Big Chunky Bubbles merch? You want merch? What kind of merch are you? Well, I mean, it practically sells itself. Does it? What are we talking about? Soups? Soups. Just soups?

And those plastic bubble-making things. Soups and bubble-making things. A bubble wand. I don't know. Maybe. We'll sue you if you don't put them in the store. Are we some kind of team? Do you have some kind of professional relationship? I don't understand you, Gilly. Have you taken over as his manager? What's happening? Clearly. All right. All right. Now, what's my name again? Your name is...

I know it's a play on a dictator. This is not a good start. Play on a dictator? It wasn't like Idi Amin, but your name is... My name is P.D. Amin. But what's my stage name? Boy Who Makes Bubbles. Close. You gotta admit, closer than before. Look, let's close up the old plug bag. Talking about bags and bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about bags and bags. I'm talking about opening bags.

All right, guys. Fun, fun stuff, guys. Again, let's not make it a year before we get together next time. I will. You used to do it all the time, Gillian. What happened? I,

I'm hurt. I'm hurt. Every single time that I would text you, you'd be out of town. It's like, you know. Yeah, I made all those date conflicts up. You did? I was always just sitting in my apartment refusing to come over here. Really? I thought you were going to start sending a car for me after...

After what? All my scintillating appearances on this podcast. We should come back for an end of March review. No, Paul, I won't. See if that little lamb came around. See if it's that little lamb, black sheep. Have you any wool? Well, guys, big chunky bubbles. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time. Don't expect me to try to set you up next time because you- Yeah, I won't. I didn't expect it this time. Out of anyone, though, who would you want me to set you up with?

Do you have a crush on anyone in the world? Yeah, anyone in the world. You know who I like is that Alison Brie. Okay, yeah. Where do you know her from? What do I know her from? Oh, Glow. Okay. I'll try to hook that up for you. Yeah. I saw one preview for that, and I looked her up. She's spoken for. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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