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Bonus Bang: Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca (More-imony Tony)

2025/1/16
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Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast

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Rhys Darby:我的喜剧创作中大量运用双关语,力求在语言表达上实现多重含义,从而提升观众的理解和趣味性。这不仅是我的创作特色,也体现了我的经济效益,因为我工作更有效率。 我最近的播客《Aliens Like Us》主要探讨外星人是否存在以及他们与人类的相似之处。节目中,我结合了时间旅行理论和古代宇航员理论,并邀请了其他嘉宾参与讨论,力求呈现一个多元化的视角。 我在美国获得绿卡的经历也颇为有趣,我需要证明自己拥有‘特殊才能’,这其中也包含了我的喜剧才能。我甚至参加了与著名音效演员Michael Winslow的音效对决,最终凭借我的直升机音效赢得了评委的认可。 Scott Aukerman: Rhys Darby 的喜剧风格独特,他善于运用双关语,并将其融入到他的播客和脱口秀表演中。他的播客《Aliens Like Us》主题新颖,探讨了外星人与人类的关系,并结合了多种理论,展现了他对该主题的深入思考。此外,他还分享了他获得美国绿卡的经历,以及他与其他喜剧演员的合作经历,这些都为节目增添了趣味性。

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Chapters
Rhys Darby discusses his podcast, "Aliens Like Us," the double meanings in his work, and his experience obtaining a green card. He shares anecdotes about sound effect competitions and his unique approach to podcasting.
  • Rhys Darby's podcast, "Aliens Like Us," explores theories about aliens and time travel.
  • Darby uses double meanings in his work, often creating wordplay and humor.
  • He shares his experiences of obtaining a green card through demonstrating "exceptional abilities."
  • He describes a sound effect competition with Michael Winslow that was a key part of his green card application.

Shownotes Transcript

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Hey everyone, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman, host, and welcome to this very special second episode of our Bonus Bang series, Morimoni Tony...

Now, you know what bonus bangs are. They're the episodes that we've previously recorded in previous years that we're taking out from behind the paywall over at CBB World. And this particular series, Morimoni Tony, it focuses on our favorite episodes with the unlucky in love, or perhaps lucky in love, depending on who you talk to, parody singer Alimony Tony. And this week's episode is number 654.

Originally titled Lassie is Benji, and this was released May 10th, 2020. It features Reese Darby, Paul F. Tompkins as, of course, Alimony Tony and Matt Apodaca as grocer Albert Rowe. Now, in this episode, Alimony Tony deep dives his parody writing process. It's basically Song Exploder for a parody of a parody singer.

Now, if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber, of course, at CBBWorld.com, where you can find every single episode we've recorded over the past 15 and a half years, as well as every single live episode, including all of our 2024 tour. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Yeah.

If you have red hair, were put up for adoption, and sing for no reason, you just might be an Annie. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, yes. Thank you to Gino's Gooch. Gino's Gooch for that wonderful catchphrase submission. Thank you, Gino's Gooch. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. And this is a rare, rare Comedy Bang Bang after dark. We so seldom record them at nighttime, but nighttime is the right time, of course. And as Arsenio Hall once said, it's a night thing.

Uh, mainly due to the fact that his show was on late at night. Um, well, welcome to the show. Uh, this is a night edition for us. Uh, it is cert, we are certainly mourning in America, but it is not morning in America, uh, for us. However, uh,

For one of our guests, it is the afternoon because we have such a drastic time difference. And that'll be very exciting. We'll go through exactly what the time difference is. This is going to take up the majority of the interview, I would imagine. It's just figuring it out and laying down, well, if L.A. time is this, what is New Zealand time? That'll take a good 25 minutes, I would imagine. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of the show. And we have a very exciting show. Coming up a little later, we have a grosser.

someone who owns a grocery store. We also have, I think this guy is independently wealthy. I can't remember if he has a job, but we'll be talking to him. By the way, I'm not talking about you, Reese, although you may be independently wealthy. I have no idea. I haven't looked up celebrity net worth at this point of exactly how much you have in the bank, but if you wouldn't mind disclosing that information during the interview, we certainly can do that. I mentioned his first name.

He is our first guest. He is coming to us from New Zealand. He is a wonderful comedian, a wonderful actor. You know him from such shows as Flight of the Conchords, a great movie I just saw for the first time the other day, Hunt for the Wilder People. You know him from so much stuff. He has a new podcast called

which may be out already, may be coming out soon. We don't know. That's going to take up another good 35 minute chunk of the interview. It's called Aliens Like Us. And maybe that means that aliens don't despise us. Maybe they just like us. I don't know. Or maybe aliens are similar to us. That'll take up another chunk.

Please welcome to the show, Rhys Darby. Welcome back to the show. Hello, Rhys. Thank you. Thank you for having me. And yes, that title, it's the old Darby double meaning. What? The old DDM? Yeah. You're kidding me. Oh, yeah. How did we get one of those so soon? Well, I saved one for you guys. Okay.

What exactly is the double meaning? Describe the two meanings, because I'm not sure what the word double means. Okay, well, for Americans, let me describe how this works. Okay. So there's one meaning that the phrase can mean. I'm on board. Okay, so just that's pretty ordinary, average. Yep, I'm saying something. It has a meaning.

And when you double it, now this is particularly in the Derby double, you get more than one meaning out of the phrase. Now this is so good for the economy as well, as you can imagine. Well, you're working smarter, not harder. Am I right? So I try to put double meaning into a lot of things, giving the population more chance of understanding it, putting it in their own basket.

It's the yin and the yang of speech. What are some of the other projects you've been involved with that have double meanings? I'm really fascinated with this. Well, one of my early shows, Walking and Talking. Yeah, which it was a fairly obvious double meaning. What was the double meaning? I can picture it right now.

You are walking while you're actually talking. Is that one of the meanings? That's right. But the other meaning, which is quite complex, but I'm talking specifically about walking and talking. You're talking about the show that you're doing? Yes. So the show itself, I would be talking about talking and the subject of walking. Now, there was only two episodes. Is it possible to walk about walking? Yes.

Yeah, I think so. I mean, well, at least I thought so, but the show got canned on episode three when I did just do the walk about the walk. So in the middle of episode three, they just canceled it. I didn't know a podcast could get canceled like that. It was one of the only mid-episode cancels that New Zealand's ever had. Because I, look...

I've canceled my share of podcasts in my day as a podcast impresario, but you usually wait until the episode is aired. You bring someone in, you lower the boom. Actually, there's this guy in the office who usually I make do it, this guy, Matt. And he's the guy, he's kind of our, who was the guy in Moneyball who basically, oh yeah, my second favorite Mr. Bean movie, Billy Bean.

He would call people in and he would just say, you've been let go of the team. He wouldn't give any sort of like, you know, preamble or anything like that. He just got bad news out of the way. A cold let go.

Which is different than a cold Lithgow, which was John Lithgow in his early movies. Wait, did he die? Oh, no, no. Well, as a press time, you never know what's going on. Look, we just heard about Roy from Siegfried and Roy. I mean, it's a terrible time here in America. It's a horrendous time. So now what is the show about? Are you an alien in it? Are you the titular us?

Well, yeah. I mean, here's your double meanings coming through. And I'm thinking now it's possibly a triple meaning because I myself am an alien with regards to living in America, an alien with exceptional abilities as per the visa requirements, which then gave me the green card option.

And that is, by the way, something that you need to prove somehow that they don't just give green cards to anyone. You have to have exceptional abilities. You do. Are you tested during that process? Yeah. Well, I think there's some really heavy Googling that they do. Okay. Because I had to put a lot of fake stuff up online about projects I'd done. Obviously, I put out walking and talking videos.

one of my other shows, which was canceled as well, Fishing for Answers, which was another double meaning show. It was a fishing show. And,

And, yeah, so but there's no there's no devil went down to Georgia style like face to face comedy off that you have with another entertainer where you prove that you're more exceptional than they are. Oh, no, you've got to do that. Yeah, I had to go to San Francisco and do a sound effects off against Michael Winslow, which, of course, was no. Oh, yeah, that was tricky.

So what put you over the top? First of all, is it like a spelling bee where you get the same sound effect and then you say, use it in a sentence? I wish. I wish. In fact, I would pitch that for the next episode.

for the next meeting. But no, we just sort of jumped on stage together and we did sound effects. He would do some great stuff with his, you know, the loud hailer. He would do a lot of good megaphone work. I brought in my doors opening. I'm famous for creaky door. Yeah.

You know, that kind of thing. That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've ever heard. That is a master class in a creaky door. The longest I've done is three minutes 20. And unfortunately, yeah, that show was canceled too, mid-creak, which was disappointing. Wasn't that show called Dawson's Creek as well? That's another show. No, this one was called. Yeah, I'm still working on that one.

That's actually the name of my creek here on the property. The previous owner, John Dawson, sold me this land for very cheap and then unfortunately died in the creek. So that's something we have... Oh no, he sold it to you and then died before he could vacate the property? Yeah, in the creek. And he's still there now. So it's... So what sound effect was it that put you over the top with Winslow? Because Winslow has the motorcycle. He has...

I'm trying to think of some other famous Winslows from those Police Academy movies. I have, of course, the Doppler effect train, which I've done many times on the show. Oh, yeah. He did trains. He also did various motor vehicles. But I blew the audience away with my helicopter. And I think that was the...

That was the clincher. Rick, could we hear a little bit of the helicopter right now? Yep. Here we go. So this was the Hughes 300 coming in. Okay. Imagine it. Here we go.

So that was my, that was the green card there, right there. That was right there. I remember the guy at the back standing up, just applauding and he actually yelled out green card. Uh, I couldn't believe it. So that was my end. Well, that's amazing. I mean, we're so glad that you are, uh, uh, of course able to work as an entertainer here. You've, you've been in so many great things over here. Uh, and this podcast, you, you're,

So is it about, and I have no information on this podcast, so I'm going blind. So I'm just going to ask you the dumbest, treat me like I'm the dumbest idiot you've ever met. And explain this podcast to me and kind of try to sneer in your voice if you could, like you're tired of dealing with this dumb idiot. Just treat me like that if you could. Okay, I'll try my best, you fool. Look, it's basically about aliens, okay? Aliens...

are like us because aliens are us. We like aliens because they are us. It is us we're liking. Now, going back in time, which, by the way, aliens can do, specifically if they are us, one of the theories about UFO craft is that they are time-travelling humans from the future. And there is a lot of evidence to support that.

The other theory that we bring up, ancient aliens. You would have seen that or at least heard of that TV show, Ancient Astronaut Theory. I'm sorry. Treat me like the dumbest idiot in the world. I've never heard of that TV show. Okay. Okay. Well, come. Okay. Sit down for a start. Okay. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. I've been standing the entire time. Okay. Stop touching me. Now, just sit down.

Have a glass of water and put your headphones on and turn your microphone around the right way. Good. That's it. Put your shirt back on. Good. Good boy. Okay. Have you heard of aliens? I don't know. All right. We're out of time. Okay. Bye. If you could be a guy who's out there in the world hopping from dimension to dimension, would you? Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me?

That's my dream. I was not kidding you, but now I feel insecure, like I should have been kidding you, like I should have been joking. You've made me feel small, Rhys. So this is a podcast that stars you. Is it just you? Is it just you talking the whole time, or do you talk to other people?

It is me and a series of mirrors and microphones and audio equipment. Michael Winslow's there. And of course, you know, the U the U S government, a green card officer, uh,

He's there in the back, really, the entire time checking up on you? Well, he pops in from time to time and just checks on the level of my hilarity. And if it slips, he sort of pats me on the shoulder and just whispers, remember that green card deal we had? So currently, like, what level of hilarity are you at? Like, what percentage are you at? I try to keep it a solid 7. 7%? Really? No, 7 out of 10. Oh, okay. So 70%.

I guess so, if you put it into percentages. But yeah, I have a couple of co-hosts. Buttons, you would have heard of him, and Ethan Edenberg. So those, and I've got an American, and Buttons is an alien like me from New Zealand. So that's us three, Ethan produces, and then we have regular guests. Some are irregular, but most are fully regular guests.

Well, I got to say, I'm jealous of you because I've been doing the show for 11 years now. It just seems like my guests, like every once in a rare while, I get a great talent like you, Reese, who just delivers and is truly exceptional the way that it says on your green card. But then I get these irregular guests, these, if I could be frank, just these weirdos coming in here all the time. I don't know how to keep them out. I mean, do you have like some sort of vetting process or...

What is that? That's my phone. Oh, your phone's ringing? Oh, do you want to take that, or...? Hello? Hey there, just checking up on you with the green card situation. You're dropping to a six. Now, I just want you to get through this podcast. I know it's not easy, it's not fun, but it's just part of the requirements. If you could just push it up to a seven...

possibly a neat, and then we'll let you through to the next, uh, next round. All right. Screen card, John out. Wow. Sorry guys. Yeah. So that's okay. Who was that? We didn't hear any of that on my end. Oh, green card. John is my, uh,

Green Card John was checking up on you? He is thorough. He's great, but he never lets up. Like every day when I wake up, there's often a message on my phone. I've got to stay at a solid seven, as he says, and it looks like we're slipping a bit here. So if we can get a bit more hilarity out, Scott, that would be...

I'll definitely try to, I don't know that I can supply any on my end, but do you have to be funny while you're sleeping? Is that, does that tie into the average? Like, do you have to be at a 10 when you're not sleeping? Because when you're sleeping, you're at a one or.

He wants me funny in the lucid dream part of my sleep. So yeah, every few hours as I'm waking, I need to sort of be funny in that sense. So I try my hardest. I have a notebook next to my bed with funny ideas in that I look at and try to make those ideas come true in my lucid dreams. That's when I hope to sort of actually enter other dimensions. Oh, okay. So most people, when they're dreaming, they wake up

Dream of something funny and write it down in the notebook. You keep funny things in the notebook by your bed to look at.

When you wake up. That's right. Interesting. That's an interesting process. Well, you know, we learned so much about the man behind the work that we've come to know and love here. Aliens Like Us is a podcast. It's out there. Where can people get it? I guess anywhere podcasts are, or is it a Patreon or how do people listen to this? This is a Spotify exclusive podcast. So yeah, it's mainly on Spotify.

It sounds like it's exclusive to it. Just from context clues that I picked up on. Yeah, there's some subtle clues coming through here. And this is all stuff I've been told to say. But yeah, it's all out there now. We've got 10 apps. You can binge the whole thing. And we have amazing guests. We've got Jim Jefferies, who I know you guys know. We've got Jack Osborne, who's

Who's a big believer in UFOs and stuff. Really? Yeah, absolutely, for realsie. And also, we've got a plethora of actual, legit UFO people that weigh in on the phenomenon. So yeah, it's a lot of fun. Did you get that Tom DeLonge guy on there? I bet he's someone you want on, right?

Yeah, I'd love to talk to that guy. He's very much down the rabbit hole and we're trying to dig as much as we can to find him. He's in hot demand. So I'm thinking if we go forward into the future, he'd be a hot guest for sure. I think you could probably get the other guy from Blink-182.

Oh yeah, we've had the rest of them. Sure, yeah, of course. But Tom, he's a slippery guy. Now what do you think about, we were talking about this the other day on the show, but

It's not NASA. Who's in charge of Area 51? But they basically released all of these tapes saying like, oh yeah, here's all of our archived UFO tapes. Go crazy. Yeah, we have no idea what they are and they might be aliens. Who knows? Did you get a chance to look at those? It's subtle...

I've got a big laugher on the other end there. I think that's a future guest. It's one of the things while doing the show remotely, I think our future guest sounds like he's a big fan of what's going on. Oh, okay. Well, that's good. If that gets us up into the eight zone, I'd appreciate that.

In fact, that's what I used to do when I did my stand-up. If it felt like it was slipping, I'd just laugh heavily myself on stage. And you know how it's kind of addictive. Everyone would just start laughing eventually, and sometimes I'd close on that. Just a big laugh. Maybe we could close on that for this episode. I think that might be a good idea. I think that would be perfect. Honestly, it's working on me already. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, please. Wonderful. Well, Aliens Like Us is out there, much like The Truth was out there on the X-Files, which was a show about aliens. So the connections are there if you look for them. And all 10 episodes are available to binge right now. Best way to hear. Best way to hear. Binge-y. Remember that dog?

Benji, yes. Do you remember the movie For the Love of Benji? No, didn't see that one. That was one of the sequels to Benji. I believe there was Benji, then maybe Benji Returns, and then the third one in the trilogy was For the Love of Benji.

It's funny. Which is sort of like an epithet, almost, like Benji is tantamount to Jesus Christ, you know? For the love of Christ! Yeah, he's really been elevated there. I wonder if anyone's actually binged the Benjis. Oh, I would hope so. Done a full Benji, Benji, Benji. Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs, when you think about it. I mean, no other dog really has had so many movies done about him. If you discount Lassie, for sure.

Lassie was a TV star, though. Did he have movies? Yes, he did, Scott. Oh, he did. He had movies. Who can forget Benji? That was a Benji movie, though. I'm sorry to say. See, you're getting confused. That was actually a Benji movie. Unfortunately, that was a Lassie movie. That was one of the Lassie movies? Benji was? Yeah, that's where they went wrong with the guy. Okay.

His first movie was called Benji. See, yeah. I feel like Lassie was a TV star. It's so hard to translate, you know, and like segue from TV into film. Obviously, you don't have that problem. You are the star of both the small screen and the... But with screens getting smaller these days, sometimes the screens in your house, you know, on TV are bigger than the screens in the movie theaters. That's controversial. I barely wanted to say it, but...

It's getting weird. It's crazy. Well, Rhys, Aliens Like Us is the show. It's out there. Apparently, Spotify loves it so much they want to keep it to themselves, so you must have an active Spotify account or at least be sharing a Spotify account. Do you want to give out your Spotify account just so people can share it? What is that? I'm not...

Not sure. It's just your password. Like, probably your... Oh, right. Your Spotify password is probably the same as, like, your email password. So if you just tell us that. Lassie is Benji. Okay, Lassie is Benji. Anything capitalized there, or...? The last S in Lassie. Okay, the very last S. The last S of two.

Well, wonderful. Aliens like us, people can binge it right now. And Reese, can you stick around? We have another guest that we want to get to right now.

Absolutely. Well, you know, I don't know whether this next guest has a double meaning to his name. I'm excited to find out. As far as I know, he has one single name and it has to do with one characteristic of his personality. Now, Reese, this is a guy who's been on the show a few times before and I can't remember exactly anything about him other than he has had a lot of ex-wives and he pays a lot of money to them.

Please welcome back to the show, Alimony Tony. Hello, Tony. Scott, what a pleasure. Thank you for having me back on the program. It's so good to see you. Reese, great to meet you, too. Thank you very much for welcoming me onto the show as the second guest. This is very exciting for me. It is very exciting. Now, Reese, have you heard of Alimony Tony before? He's sort of well-renowned.

I'd be extremely flattered. Oh, come now. You haven't heard of Alimony Tony. Perhaps you've heard of my alter ego, my musical alter ego, Weirdomony Alimony Tony, where I do song parodies. That's right. Nom de satire, Weirdomony Alimony Tony.

What were some of your famous song parodies, by the way? Well, none of them were famous. As you recall, all of my YouTube videos have one view, and that's me checking to make sure that it's been uploaded properly. And what I do is I take popular songs, much like Weird Al Yankovic, I take popular songs of the day and I rewrite the lyrics to make them amusing and not what the song was originally about. Do your parodies actually, like Weird Al's, he usually rhymes...

his words his new his new titles rhyme with the old titles so that's right yes another one bites the dust he does another one rides the bus do you follow that logic with your parodies i often do sometimes i do not really so what what in the well we're really getting the info here aren't we well name a song name a song and i'll tell you what the parody title may or may not be

Okay, how about Lady Gaga's and Bradley Cooper's Shallow? Shallow. So you take the house, how does that go? Shallow, Shallow, Shallow. Can I say it seems like you're stalling for time.

No, I'm thinking. Is that the same thing as stalling for time? I'm not quite sure. Well, I guess one could be while one. I feel like my process is very transparent. I'm repeating the word shallow over and over again and saying, what does that rhyme with? I don't think that it's stalling for time. I'm literally trying to think of a word that rhymes with shallow. I know you like to accuse people of this. This is not one of those instances.

Okay, well, maybe you could start at the beginning of the alphabet. I believe transparency is important. Yes, aloe. Oh, there we go. Right there. Perfect. Perfect. So I've got a, you know, the song is about I've got a bird and I have to put aloe on it. Okay. And I'm not close to it. It's in the medicine cabinet. So I say, I'm far from the aloe now.

Okay, but you're trying to make your way. Where's the aloe, aloe? Where's the ala-la-la-la-la-lo? Where's the ala-la-la-la-lo? I'm far from the aloe now. Do you see? I see. I get the point. So what are one of the ones that did not rhyme, though?

Well, name a song and I'll tell you. I thought that's what we did before. No, Aloe Rhyme with Shallow. I know. What do you have to do? It's a fun process. Rhys, do you have a favorite song that maybe he could parody for something? Well, I've always been a fan of Return to Sender. You know, the Elvis. Return to Sender. Elvis Presley. Wonderful song. Based upon the wonderful post office. That's right. It was one of the few songs. Please, Mr. Postman.

Uh, you have, uh, one of the other post office songs. Can you buy me a roll of one cent stamps? That's right. Uh, uh, forever and ever stamps, uh, saluting aeronautics, the song, um, Elvis Presley tribute stamp. That's Elvis. Elvis Presley actually sang that song. Elvis Presley tribute step. Do da do da. See, that's a song parody. That's a bonus. Uh, all right, let's see. Let's see. Uh,

Well, Return to Center. Return to Center. Okay, so what would be a song parody title that would not rhyme but would be a parody of Return to Center? Seems like there are way more words that you could use for this. Well, that's the thing. That's the thing. I have to go through the alphabet for each individual word. So, Return. What rhymes with Return? Wait, so I thought you were trying to think of things that did not rhyme with Return. Exactly. So I start there, and then I say, okay, use that one.

It seems to me like you could start in the dictionary and just go word by word like A and then aardvark. I use the Sherlock Holmes deductive reasoning method, which is I take the possible, eliminate that, I'm left with the impossible. Okay. All right. So what rhymes with sender? So what rhymes with what rhymes? Okay. Now you're going to head yourself because sender is at the end. So we need to know where the sentence begins. And so we start with return. We're doing every word? Yeah.

Look, this is what you asked me to do, and this is what I'm doing. This is my process. Okay. I thought you were more interested in the creative process than actually coming up with a song. I guess that I found in this interview I'm more interested in the results.

Oh, I see. Well, then I could come back later and I'd give you the result. It's going to take you that long to think of a word that doesn't rhyme with sender or return? Well, because first I have to come up with the words that do rhyme, eliminate them, and then I... Let's go through a bender, fender, gender. Out. They rhyme. Out.

Lender, mender. Can't use it, can't use it. Pender, pretender. Is hender a word? Probably not. Now see, this is the problem with the alphabet method is...

sometimes you stumble upon words that aren't real. And then what do you do? You get stuck on those for a while. You say, well, Hender, is that a word I don't know about? What do you do? Because it does rhyme, but it's not a real word. Yeah. Hender's son is a name. So if you're the son of Hender, was Hender one of those jobs like Smith where there was a town Hender? It's like, oh, you'll have to take that to the Hender to have it Hended. And that job fell out of favor. Speaking of John Lithgow, Harry and the Hender Sons.

Was he in that? I was not speaking of John Lithgow. Were you? Oh, before you came on the show, we were speaking of John Lithgow. Yeah. I mean, I think I've spoken of him in my life, if that counts. What were the things that you said about him? Did you see that new John Lithgow show? It's called Third Rock from the Sun. So this is going back quite a ways. Some of the other words would be tender. Can't use it. Vendor. Obviously, vendor. Can't use it. Can't use it. What?

I'm running out of ideas. Is that about all? Wender, someone who wends their way. Wender can't use it. Okay, Rhys, do you have any on your mind? We're still stuck on sender, are we? Exactly. We need to eliminate the words that rhyme with sender so I can come up with a word to put in its place that in no way rhymes with wender. We haven't even approached return at this point. What about blender?

Blender. Can't use it. Can't use it. All right, so that's gone. That's gone. That was a shame. That was a good one. That was a really good one. If only this were one of the songs. You see, if this was one of the songs where the title rhymed, traditional- We'd be halfway there. Oh, I'll live it on a prayer. That was not a parody, by the way, what you just did. That was just a reference. No, that was not a parody. That was a classic word association.

Which I have to do in order to check my mental faculties. I do a little home psychology, and I look at old stains and see what pictures I see of them. What else do I do? I think about my mom. A lot of classic psychology stuff. That's my process as well, by the way. I think about your mom, too. Hail!

Right? Scott, I think you're making a good joke. You were making a good joke. I could tell by the hail at the end. So, yes, so a word association, very important. I will think of a word that I'll try to immediately think of a second word. So I wake up and I think, all right, here, we're going to start the word association test. And I say cat. And then I say dog because I associate dogs with cats. Okay.

Because they're the mortal enemies. Because they chase each other all the time? They're constantly chasing each other. They're at war. Almost like aliens and predators. Almost. I was thinking more the Lycans and the vampires from the Underworld series of films directed by Len Wiseman. Another, by the way, previous guest on this show. Len Wiseman. Is that so? Yeah, he's been a guest on this show. Interesting guy. He likes sex parties and stuff like that. You ever been to a sex party? A Hollywood sex party?

Not one of his. Have you been to a New Zealand sex party where everyone knows each other? Yeah, it's a little harder to have a sex party here in New Zealand. Because the sex is more difficult? Or, yeah, there's just fewer choices? It's a smaller population. It's like, oh, you again. Everybody knows each other. And even if you wear the masks, there's only one mask shop. And so you go in there and everyone knows which masks...

I've been taken. Who has which mask? Oh, has John got that? Is he? Oh, Mary's got that one. All right. So, and you kind of, you can tell in your head who's who even through the masks. One of the things I tell people when they, when they, when they come to this country, if they come from another country, I say, uh, welcome to America. Please take full advantage of many mask shops. Don't let yourself, don't let yourself miss out on an opportunity to buy all sorts of masks and take them back home. Uh,

even just browsing, they're fine with that. You can browse around and look at the masks. Some places will let you try them on. Some places won't let you do it because they're worried about germs. And it turns out those people were right. I think a lot of the current situation we're in is people trying on elaborate masks. And now, look, we all have to wear masks. What an ironic turn of events worthy of Ron Sterling's The Twilight Zone.

I think that it was once they put a Halloween superstore that was open year round, suddenly, like it just opened the floodgates to germ city. You know, I think the Halloween should have remained at the store level and they should not have gone super because of that. They couldn't control it. Uh, it's, it's like our friend Jeff Goldblum, uh, from, uh, the dinosaur movie saying, Oh, I thought you wanted from the fly. No, this is a different Jeff Goldblum.

Well, look, am I being ushered off the stage? Did the Sandman come in and I heard your distinctive well look and I thought, well, that's a foul by Tony.

He's done. You're not done. When Scott gives the well look, that's it for you. You got to get out. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying we have to take a break. So I wanted to give you some time to really perfect your return to center. Oh, okay. I do have a lot more to say about Jeff Goldblum and the dinosaur movie. Hopefully there's time for both of the next thing. Okay. Well, you can certainly talk during the commercial about it if that gets it out of your system.

No, I need people to hear it. We also we never even got into my latest marriage and divorce. That's the thing. Your whole deal barely has anything to do with song parodies. It doesn't. But that's the thing you're most interested in.

We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll talk about Alimony Tony's most recent wife, and we'll hopefully get an answer as to what words do not rhyme with return and sender. And we'll have more Reece Darby here with us. And coming up a little later, a grocer. So this is a star-packed show. So you do not want to miss a thing from this. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. We have, of course, the great legendary all the way from New Zealand itself. Rhys Darby is here with us. His recent podcast, most recent podcast that has not been canceled mid second or mid third episode. Excuse me. He got all the way to 10 episodes of this is called Aliens Like Us. It's out there. It's a Spotify exclusive. Welcome back to the show, Rhys. Great to see you.

Thank you. Thank you. We also have, and I've given him a lot of time. Apparently he has more to say about Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, which we want to get to as well. Oh, Jurassic Park. That's the name. That's the name of the dinosaur movie. Thank you. But Alimony Tony is here, a.k.a. Weird-a-money Alimony Tony. Have you been thinking up

various possibilities for what this song parody could be during the break. I'll be quite honest. I haven't been, uh, I've been wasting time. I got so purpose. I know I got so hung up on us. I got so hung up on trying to remember the day of the dinosaur film. And, uh, and I wish I'd just asked someone, I wish I just asked you, what was the name of the dinosaur movie anyway? Cause I knew it wasn't named the dinosaur movie. Uh, that's a different film. I think, uh,

And I wish I just said, what is the name of the dinosaur movie? And then you can address it. Park. And then it went great, great, great. Now I have freed up some headspace to really focus on the return to send a non-rhyming parody title. All right. So I, okay. So we're in rough draft stage at this point, but I say this is, this is actually, this is actually more difficult than I thought to come up with a

A title that is a parody of Return to Senda, and yet the title does not rhyme. I could do five of them off the top of my head. Let's hear them. Meat and Potatoes. Wow. Well, that's pretty good. Meat and potatoes. I like to eat it for food. Right? There we go. Gyms and restaurants. Gyms and restaurants.

No, I don't think that one works. Okay, sorry. But at least meet me at the table. Try to sing it. So you said you could come up with five. Gyms and restaurants. But you're cheating a little bit because return is two syllables. So you want to stick to the syllable count. I don't want to do this at all.

Then why are we doing it? Well, this was something... Scott, you'll forgive me. You seized on this idea. You wouldn't let it go. You were like a dog with a bone. And then I was trying to be as polite as I possibly could. And yes, I'll admit right now, I was stalling for time. Not when you thought I was, but other times. When I started talking about Jeff Goldblum, the dinosaur movie, that was me stalling for time. But...

And of course, I remembered at some point it was Jurassic Park, and I pretended that I didn't know. But I don't want to do this. It's making me feel very small and stupid. Okay, I apologize. I don't mean to make our guests feel that way. By the way, meat and potatoes does not fit into the syllables. And yet you thought it was okay. So I, you know. Meat and potatoes. It does fit into the syllables. Return to... Meat and...

Potatoes. We're just going to start saying meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes. It can work. You're right. It needs work, but it is workable. It's workable. Thank you, Reese. Thank you. Thank you. Look, I feel terrible. Scott, I feel terrible about this. I feel like I inserted my song parody sideline into the main thing.

This side dish became one of the mains. Exactly. If you're watching Top Chef, that is a bad situation for the chefs because... And we're not. We're doing the show. We are doing the show, yes. I shouldn't have done that, and I do apologize. I'd love to just talk about paying alimony if I may. Okay. That's your main thing. Could you explain to Reese who you are and what you do? Yes, Reese, my name is Alimony Tony. I think my last name was Chacharone, but I can't be 100% about that because it's been a while.

And I've been married and divorced many, many times because I love paying alimony. I love it. It gives me a real charge. And...

I have been married or divorced so many times it's starting to lose count. It's been over, I think it's been close to a dozen now. And the thing is, I'm independently wealthy because my mother invented gaseous paper. And I am worth roughly a couple trillion dollars. And so even though I am paying a lot of alimony, I'm not really feeling it. But I love writing those checks. I love it. Love paying alimony.

And you, Tony, you enter each marriage wanting it to work. I have to marry for love. As much as I love paying alimony, I must always marry for love. And every single, you're not going to believe me, and I don't blame you for not believing me, but every single time that I've gotten married, I've said, this is the one that's going to last. Rhys, do you believe him? He thought you would not believe him. Do you believe him?

Well, he sounds like one of the few people that's managed to achieve that ultimate goal of having your cake and eating it too. Tony, I have to ask, has there ever been a time where, unfortunately, one of your ex-wives has gotten remarried and you no longer have to pay alimony? There have been some close shaves. And certainly there was one young wife called Janine. And Janine did remarry, but her husband died.

During the wedding. So it was right after the I do's. So she was officially a widow. But it turns out that a deceased husband, his name was Walter. He was penniless and a fraud. And so I ended up restarting the alimony. She had that marriage annulled.

And so I was able to resume paying alimony to Janine. Where were you when he died? Because, I mean, that's a little suspicious. You love alimony so much. He died, right? Hold on. Hold on. Scott, hold on a second. I'm holding. I've never murdered anyone. I don't intend to start. I've never. And I, one of the few people. A lot of people have never murdered anyone, but they intend to start at some point.

Yes, murderers. Future murderers. They live their lives as people, and then at some point they say, I intend to do a murder, and then they do the future murderers. So they are people, and then they are future murderers, and then they are murderers. That's exactly correct. We all start out as people.

Then at a certain point, some people make the choice to become future murderers. So what I do is I think that you're born a baby. Then you become a potential future murderer. Then you become a future murderer. Then you become a murderer. So you're there...

When you're a baby is the only time that you don't have future murder in your- It's the riddle of the Sphinx. You start out as a baby. You become a potential future murderer. You become a future murderer. You become a murderer. What about future manslaughterers? Do those exist or-

Well, I don't think it depends because a voluntary manslaughter is that's definitely a thing. But I feel like fewer people say I intend to commit manslaughter. I think that's people that intended to commit murder and they didn't do it right. Manslaughter is like the ultimate whoopsie when it comes to murder, is it not? Yes. And yet what a grim name, even a grimmer name than murder. Manslaughter. It's worse. It should be worse.

Rhys, have you ever murdered anyone or manslaughtered anyone? No, but I think he has a good point there because I have been at that threshold of becoming a murderer. Potential future murderer. Absolutely. A PGM.

His saying now what I've done, and this is something that other people could do as well. It goes in line with what I was saying before, but a notebook next to my bed and I write in it become a murderer. And then when I wake up in the morning into my lucidness, I will then quickly cross that out.

And I do that every night. And that's the only way I get through it. So you're writing things in that notebook that you intend to cross out and not do when you wake up as well. That's right. Your process for your notebook is really, really intricate. I'm fascinated by this. I get it, though. I get it, though. It's sort of like you have to come up with words that rhyme in order to eliminate them first. It's a lot like that, yes. I don't want to get back on that. Can I ask, Tony, are you ever...

trying to split up your ex-wives romantic relationships in a Mrs. Doubtfire style kind of thing where you're like insinuating yourself into their life in disguise. I mean, I do love to wear disguises. I haven't worn them to the extent of to the purpose of breaking up romantic relationships.

I do like to spy on people. That's my guilty secret. I do like to wear... Look, I'm guilty. I said I was guilty. I do like to dress up in different costumes and spy on people. Well, we're back to the Halloween super stores here and these masks. And look, all of my disguises were purchased at a regular Halloween store. It wasn't super. It didn't need to be. But my ex-wives, my former wives, Romantic Relationships and Entanglements,

usually the alimony that they get is enough to keep them from getting married because, and this is not to say that they're gold diggers. They don't know. None of these ladies know how rich I am until we get married. Um, and I don't, I don't reveal it until well into the marriage either, because there's no prenup. Uh, I guess you don't want one because I guess the only prenup you would want is I want to pay you alimony. That's a dirty word to me. Prenup. I don't like it at all. And, uh,

So usually it's come close a few times. Of course, you got married. But oftentimes I will put on a disguise or my famous disguises, and I will go to a place where I know an ex-wife of mine is having dinner with a parable. And sometimes I will disguise myself as a fellow diner sitting a few tables away. This is one of your famous disguises.

Fellow diner. Fellow diner. That's what you can buy right out of the package at Halloween Superstore. I was just going to say, I would point out that in New Zealand, and this is information for you guys in America if you do come here, disguises are illegal unless they are bought from the disguise shop. Really? Yeah, there's 10 standard disguises available.

Fellow Diner is one of those. There are others. There's King. There's Witch. I can't remember the rest. Pirate. Pirate.

And so if you're caught wearing those, you can get away with it. But if you do not have an official disguise, then, yeah, you're in trouble. It's got to have the mark on it, the stamp that says this is an official sanctioned disguise. Although I don't know how I would even make a fellow diner costume at home. I mean, that's not possible. You're better off going to the store. You're better off going to the store. And the quality is amazing, too. I remember one time I tried to make a homemade late-to-the-elevator-man costume.

And I just botched it. It was not you. You wouldn't look at this man and say, oh, he almost made it to the elevator. You would say, who are you supposed to be? And so you're better off going to the store. I'm trying to imagine that costume. Is it does it have like wire in the tie so that it's like going behind you like you're running towards the elevator and like the briefcase is half open and papers are spilling out or the briefcase is stretched out?

Isn't it? Because you're trying to stop the door. It's a great costume. They're very rare, those ones. Tony, I feel like we're getting away from what you came here to talk about, which is your recent relationship. Yes, my recent relationship, uh,

which has just ended. I'm so sorry. Oh, well, thank you. Of course, it's a good news, bad news situation because I no longer have a love in my life, but I do get to play that alimony, which I do love doing so much. This was a young woman named Linda, and she and I met. We met at a restaurant, coincidentally enough. I was there disguised.

That is quite a coincidence. I was there disguised as a man asking to use a business phone. What? What is that disguise? I love that disguise. What is that like? That disguise is – That's a classic. It's a man's suit of clothing, and what you have to do is to sell it, you have to go up to the front desk of the restaurant and say, can I use your phone?

That phrase comes with the costume, doesn't it? On a card. Exactly. Like a word balloon coming out of your mouth. No, no, no. That's, of course not. You have to memorize the phrase. How ridiculous. You have to memorize the phrase. I apologize. I, look, I don't know what I'm talking about. Excuse me, may I use your phone? But here's the great part. If there's any follow-up questions, that's all up to you. You get to improv it. So if they say, you know, no, you can't, you say, aww.

And then you, you can, you can walk away or you can say, you can say, please, or you could say, uh, I'm never coming here again. Uh, yeah, the choice is really up to you. Um, but, uh, uh, so I was there. So I just, I just turned away from the front desk at the restaurant. Uh,

because the person did let me use the phone. And let me tell you something. I did not know who to call. I didn't. It's never happened before. It's never happened before. And so I had to fake a telephone call, which is very difficult to do. Well, I would imagine that the telephone call also has to sound important enough to use a business's phone. And that's a completely different costume, which I did not have.

So I hug up the phone rather sheepishly, and I turned around, and there was this gorgeous vision in the front door of the restaurant.

And her name was Linda. I said, I was struck by her immediately. I said, excuse me, you didn't overhear my conversation about the phone, did you? And she said, what? And then we were off to the races because I explained I couldn't help it. I looked at her beautiful green eyes and I explained my entire situation to her. I explained everything about myself except being independently wealthy, of course.

but I explained, did you explain the weirdamoney alimony Tony and how difficult it is for you to come up with titles? Well, now I, I did explain weirdamoney alimony Tony. She didn't have quite as many questions about coming up with titles as you did. So we did not get into that area of discussion. If only we'd been married long enough, but, uh, this was my shortest marriage to date. Really? How long did this one last? Not counting the one that died. Uh, this, this, this lasted, uh,

three full calendar weeks. And it was right where the quarantine happened. We got married the day before quarantine was put into effect. And then three weeks later, our marriage was over. That was the baptism by fire, was having to stay in the mansion and...

just be confined into those 28 rooms. And it was too much. We realized we don't really get along. And so we had to put an end to it. She still lives here, however. She's living there. I was going to ask. You didn't kick her out of the mansion. No. Now we're the best of friends. Now we're the best of friends. All it took was not being married anymore. Yeah. And paying her. What kind of alimony are you paying her right now?

The usual. It's $50,000 a month. Wow. I mean, that's, yeah, $50,000 a month. That is $600,000 a year. That's a good amount of money. What? And you're doing it for a dozen people. I keep forgetting to do the math on this. What am I doing? Oh, well, I have it. I have the money. What am I going to spend it on? Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm so sorry that your relationship didn't work out and that you tried love once again. You tried to fit her into your clothes. Is that what you usually do? I don't try to fit them into my clothes. What it is is I keep a closet full of clothes for my wives. And the one prenuptial agreement we do have is you have to return the clothes.

and the clothes stay in the house, and I make sure that my future wife will be the exact same measurements as my previous wife. What was the measurement process like with Linda here? Did you measure? Oh, I can eyeball it now. I mean, it's down to a science. Like, I can look at a woman, and I can see whether or not she's going to fit into the clothes. Because you like them either big-boned with,

very thin skin or you like them i like i like i like a woman with either a lot of meat on her bones or very thick bones not a lot of meat but they have to be roughly the same shape sort of like that it's got to work out the same does it it does it look like that snowman in the uh hey mr police you had all the clues does she does do all your wives look like that

Do snowmen have bones? I don't know. I don't know. Reese, have you ever made a snowman with bones? I don't know. You can use twigs and various sticks as a skeleton and then put the snow over that. It never occurred to me to do that. Now, every time I see a snowman, I'm going to wonder if there's a skeleton underneath.

And what you can do, and here's something fun for the listeners. So once you've done the skeleton using twigs, arms, you can do a rib cage if you like, you can then, as a bit of fun, put an apple inside the twig rib cage. And once he's all covered in snow, you can do that classic Indiana Jones thing and reach through into the snow and pull out the apple.

Wow. And you can have a lot of fun with that kind of if you're into the sort of evil voodoo Templar doomy dooms. That sounds horrifying to any children who are passing by. That's pretty bad, isn't it? But that's the sort of fun we have here in New Zealand. All right. Well, okay.

Look, we do have to take a break. I'm sorry about Linda. I'm sorry. It's great catching up with you, but can you stick around? I'd love to, Scott. It's wonderful to see you. It's wonderful to talk to other people besides Linda, even though we are dear friends.

But we are the only people that we see. So this is really, really wonderful. This is thrilling for you, yes. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Reese Darby from Aliens Like Us. We'll have more Alimony Tony, not from Aliens Like Us. And we'll be talking to someone who owns a grocery store when we come back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Open Source AI is available to all, not just the few.

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ABC Wednesdays. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears. Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So, a couple of days. When his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended up.

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This is your chance. This is your opportunity. This is your comeback. Purdue Global, produce online university for working adults. Start your comeback today at purdueglobal.edu. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. We have, of course, the great Reece Darby from New Zealand, where apparently he is enjoying winter right now. Is that do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. We're getting colder by the minute. It's beautiful down here. Wow. And do you celebrate Christmas in the winter or is it a summer thing?

That's a summer thing for us. Yeah. It's a very confusing time actually for our nation. Now I've heard about this because you will often have depictions of Santa Claus, Chris Kringle, surfing and things like that because it's summertime and he's enjoying the summertime antics and he's roasting a weenie over the campfire and he's putting sunscreen on and a little dog is pulling down his pants and what else? Summer thing. Summer thing. Ice cream. He's eating an ice cream cone. Uh,

There's got to be other summer things. He's got a sunburn. Shaking out a towel. Shaking out a towel. Because of sand. Sure, sure. Because he's at the beach. Some of these are not the most dynamic pictures, I think, that you know. Scott, once again, I've got to turn it over to you. If you think you could do better with summertime images with Santa Claus, then have at it. Listening to the Beach Boys.

I love to see depictions of Santa Claus listening to the Beach Boys. He's got his ear next to a radio. And he has a thumb cup. Must be Christmas. Because Santa Claus is listening to the Beach Boys in this drawing. Well, Alimony, Tony, you've been hearing him talk about Summer and Santa here. He is also with us. But we do need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show once before. He is the owner of a...

I can't remember if it's a chain of grocery stores or just one grocery store, but he is a small business owner, definitely, and an entrepreneur. Please welcome back to the show Albert Rowe. Hello, Albert. Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me. Hello, Reese. Hello, Alimony. You know, you can call him Tony. Yeah, you can call him Tony. Tony, my man. We're friends now. I don't know that you can call him my man. That's the one thing that I think...

He reserves that for his wife. You're right. That's fair. I should have, I should have, well, from what I understand, hey, look, what with marriage being, you know, the laws have gotten a lot looser now. Uh,

You may be a candidate to marry Alimony Tony here. I mean, you know, you have a nice $600,000 a year coming to you if you do. Well, that's something I'd like to talk about. That's right. The laws have gotten a lot looser. You're right, Scott. It's the slippery slope, obviously. Listen, obviously, yeah. Did you come here to talk about that? No, I didn't come here to talk about the loosening of the laws. I actually came to talk about some of the law tightening that's been happening. Oh.

Oh, okay. So the opposite. A lot of these laws are getting kind of strict in my neck of the woods. As you know, I am a grocer. I own a singular grocery store in Downey, California. Which one is that again? It's called Kissy's Local Grocery. Kissy's, right. And is that over by like off Paramount? Where exactly is that in Downey? It's actually on...

Firestone and Old River School Road. Oh, okay. So just down the street from the Acapulco restaurant. Yeah, it's not quite close to the Acapulco, but you can take a major street to get there. So right before the 605 hits, the 5. If you get to the 110, you've gone too far. You've definitely gone too far, yes.

So it's called Kissies because as you know, I do kiss every single item in my grocery store. That's one of my personal touches. I polish them. So like take an apple, onion, banana. That's one of your personal touches. I'm sorry, just one of your personal touches is kissing each item in the store. That's right. I kiss each item in the store and then I polish it off again so it's nice and shiny. But as you know,

Going to the grocery store right now. I don't know if you've noticed, Scott. It's a little different. Okay, yes. I have noticed that. And, you know, Reese, I don't know if in New Zealand, actually, you're not dealing with the virus is kind of going away there. Is that right? But here. Yes. Yes. Here in the States, it still is rampaging through our cities and our neighborhoods. Just rampaging. It's simply rampaging. Yeah.

Wow. It's on a rampage. It's tearing through our country like a tornado. Yes. It is like a hurricane that's just sweeping up everyone in its path. It's like a Dwayne Johnson movie. It's like a volcano.

A tisumini. Sure, of course. So going to the grocery store, yes, it's a little bit different. Do you want to talk about how that's affecting your grocery store? Well, it's not really affecting my grocery store. Before we get into that, can I ask, what are some of the other signature moves? Yeah, we got to hear about these other personal touches. I'd just like to hear two more personal touches. Two more personal touches, great. There's no door on my store.

There is not a door. I love that rhyme. Yeah, well, yeah, it is a rhyme on purpose. There's no door at the store, and that store is Kissy's. That's written on the window. There's a lot of things written on the window at my store. That is not one of my personal touches. It is just something that happens to be part of it because my store is made of glass.

Right. Yes. There are no actual walls that are not see-through. It's sort of like Willy Wonka's glass elevator in there. Everything is see-through. Yes, except it doesn't have personal touches. Those are not personal touches. Those are not personal touches. Not having a door, personal touch. Stuff written on the windows, not a personal touch. No, that's just part of it. You just have to take that as part of it. That just happens. So there are things that are part of it, and then...

And things that just happen. Yes. Do you have something written on the window of like, if you've gotten to the 110, you've gone too far? Are there instructions like that? Well, so that's not written on my window. That is written on a window closer to the 110. So if you're close to the 110 and you do see that, you will know to go all the way back. Okay, got it. But do people know that it's connected to Kissies? Or do they just see written on some other window, you've gone too far? Someone might be wanting to go to the 110.

So you've bought other properties and you're advertising on those properties that it is not your main property. Well, I haven't bought, I have not purchased property. What I have done is taken up vandalism. I have vandalized, these are homes, like our local other businesses. So you've taken up vandalism. I've taken it up and can I say, I'm loving it.

Yeah. It's fine. Absolutely. I see you. I love to vandalize. It's very fun. But people sort of know me as the town vandal. Instead of being the grocer who owns Kissies, they know you as the town vandal? Well, you know, if you could pick what you're known for, I obviously would pick that I would be the grocer. You need a better publicist. You need a better publicist here because you need to be known as Kissies.

You are a man who says you kiss each item in your grocery store, but you're known as the town vandal. That's right. Yeah. And, you know, if I could have it the other way around, I absolutely would. But it's just it's just not my place. There are other things about me that, you know, you might remember, Scott. Jeff Bezos is my dad. Yeah, that's right. You're Jeff Bezos' son. I forgot about that aspect of your personality. Jeff Bezos is my dad and all of my cum is feminine.

Okay, I did not remember that and still don't remember it. I only shoot wise. Okay, right. Okay. So if anyone were to marry you, and I can't recall if you have a significant other, much like Alimony Tony did at one point. I don't. I have 10 daughters with many partners. Oh, that's right. So you've never gotten married. So you only have 10 daughters. That's right. Do they work at the store? I can't remember. They do work at the store, but they work in the back because I will not have them seen. Okay.

But so what you have to know about, obviously, this coronavirus, as we're calling it, I'll call it a debacle. It's changing the way all these stores are operating. You got your Albertsons, your Ralphs, your Vons, your Safeway, Gelson's, Pavilions, you know, Stater Brothers, Sprouts, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Winco, Kroger. They're all following the CDC guidelines, keeping six feet of distance. Publics.

Yeah, Publix is another one. Did you mention John's, which basically bought a bunch of Vons restaurants and then only replaced one letter? Yeah, you know what? John's is doing this as well. Harris Tita? Harris Tita, Super A. Tita? It's Harris Tita. Oh, well, Harris Tita is doing it too. Who's Harris Tita?

Harris Tita? Is that what you said? That's what I said. They're also doing it. Sure. So they're all, they have the- I've lost track of what they're doing now. What are they, what are these people doing? They're keeping six feet distance in the line. You're limiting items such as toilet paper, you know, things that are deemed essential goods, meat. How about Acme? Acme? Acme also doing it. Wow. It's fair to say that if it's not Kissies, they're doing it. Yeah.

Yeah. Which could be a slogan for you. Well... Bristol Farms. Bristol Farms doing it. The store from NBC Superstore doing it. Now, I think that should have just been a store. It should never have upgraded to a superstore. They got huge. They got too big too fast and we all saw it coming. But these other stores, they're making me look like

Not just the town vandal, but the town fool. They're all coming for my neck, Scott. Oh, I'm glad you finally said they're coming for your neck, because as I recall, that was one of your catchphrases the last time you were here. It's almost as if I stopped saying it, but I do remember that that is a thing that I always say. They're all coming for my neck. They're all following the CDC guidelines, the WHO guidelines. And, you know, I'm just a local businessman.

I don't have the capital to keep up with these big corporations. So it right now. I mean, you are, you are, to be fair, Jeff Bezos's son. Yeah. I look, I come from immense wealth, but is pavilions also observing these? I don't know. I don't know that we have time to get into every other store. If these stores keep coming up, I'm going to, if you, if you keep asking me this, Tony, I'm going to assume you're in the pocket of one of these grocery stores and are coming from my neck.

You don't want to be coming for Albert's neck here. I promise, Albert, I'm not coming for your neck. Gelson's, are they doing it? He mentioned Gelson's. Oh, you did mention Gelson's. I apologize. 365 is doing it. We don't have time to go through the whole list. If it's not Kissies, they're doing it. What are you doing instead? Well, I'll tell you what we're doing, Scott. We haven't changed a goddamn thing. Okay.

Okay. Because the Kissies guarantee is if you want something kissed, you better come to Kissies. I'm kissing all the stuff, and I'm still kissing all the stuff. Can I just point out that the Kissies guarantee just sounds like a piece of advice. Yeah. If you want something kissed, it's just, yeah, it's more like a helpful hint. Nothing's being guaranteed at all.

Well, the Kissies advice. Okay, you're calling it advice now. I'll call it advice. If you want something kissed, come to Kissies. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed. What if you don't want something kissed? Then get the fuck out of my store. Wow. That's just how it is. And you know, it's... And that's written on the window? I'm just hoping that people are trying to... Yeah, that's written on the window. The wall, as it were.

I'm just, you know, because people, I don't know about you or anybody here, we're all trying to just live according to, you know, our...

We're all trying to live according to Jim, first of all. And our own personal credos. I'm someone that I want things to stay exactly the same. I'm not letting this coronavirus win, all right? So you want to come to Kissy's? Door's always open. No door. Come on in. Touch whatever you want. Kiss whatever you want. I'm doing it. I'll give you a damn kiss. Sure. Can I ask, have you contracted the COVID-19 virus? Many times. And it's fine.

So you're transmitting this to every customer with every product on your shelf. Are you coming for my next guy? No, I am not coming for your neck. I apologize. Rhys, are you coming for Albert's neck? I hope you're not. Well, I'm devising a new show with a double meaning in the title. So I'm constantly, as you know, writing things down in my notebook, waking up, crossing it out, working out what my next move is.

And, yeah, I'll tell you this much. I've got a few ideas. Oh, really? What do you got? If they're involving me, I'd love to know. Yeah, well, first of all, I want to get that shop of yours shut down. I mean, that's not an idea that's helpful to Albert, certainly. That's my source of income here. You're coming for my neck, Rhys. Rhys, you are coming for his neck. That's directly my neck. You went straight for the neck. I want to reiterate, I am not coming for your neck. That is the title of my next show, Coming for My Neck.

Which may have a double meaning as well. Yeah, it's a dodgy one. It's a shifty double meaning. Sure. Shady, whatever you want to call it. But I want you involved. Yeah. So you want my store shut down so I can work on the show? Yeah, that's what I'm offering you. I want to, it's a deal. What do you say? I mean, this is quite an opportunity. This is huge.

Have you ever wanted to be in show business? In the business of show? I mean, it's something that a grocer can only dream of, you know? Every grocer wants to be in show business. I mean, look, so...

What do you say? I mean, this is an incredible opportunity. I know you love your store. I know you love kissing inanimate objects. I don't know that you've ever kissed inanimate objects. I know that you have 12 different daughters. I don't know whether you're... Ten that I know of. Ten, sorry, ten. I don't know whether any of your ten partners allowed you to kiss them if they had the pretty woman rules going on.

During this? I do. You know, they don't have the pretty woman rule. I do. And the first rule in that is that I do always snap at their fingers with a little box. Okay. Sure, sure. That's the pretty woman rule. But are you saying that you like to kiss things, but no one can kiss you? Oh, if you even come near me with your lips...

I assume you're going straight for the neck, and that's a chop. So you have never been kissed, Rules? You've never been kissed? You know, I've never been kissed, and I'm also undercover at a high school. Okay, well. As a high school student. We don't have time to get to any of that. Okay. Are you sure we don't? This is what a thing to drop in at the 11th hour. I'm having a lot of fun at high school again. It's better than you remember.

Albert, Albert, can I ask you a sincere question? Please, Tony. Gristidis, are they observing us? Okay, look, we're running out of time here. Dwayne Reed is also doing it. Yeah, we're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs. Oh, wow, nice and short. That was Now You Have Head Lice by Family Man.

Rhys, what do you have to plug? Obviously, Aliens Like Us is a Spotify exclusive. It's out there right now. People can binge all 10 episodes. Other than that, I guess I would only plug one of the main stores here in New Zealand, the mask and official disguise shop. Of course. Great. All right. Well, Alimony Tony, what are you plugging? Well, I'd certainly like to plug...

The institution of marriage and the divorce laws in this state in which I live.

What state is that, by the way? We've never established that. Oh, yeah, it's different from where you are. I would also like to plug a couple of podcasts, if I may, because your show got me into it. I'm a huge fan. The first time we met was because you chose my catchphrase to read on the show. So I love podcasts. There's two right now. One called The Neighborhood Listen, starring Paul F. Tompkins and Nicole Parker, where they take posts from the Nextdoor app

And they use those as the basis for improv. And then there's another one called Stay F. Holmkins. That's also Paul F. Tompkins and his gorgeous wife. They're still married. Janie had at Tompkins. And that's just them catching up during quarantine on a weekly basis. It's an intimate conversation that you can have in the background. I feel like you're visiting with someone. Great. So those are some great podcasts to listen to. Your podcast plate is almost full. But Albert Rowe, do you have anything to plug here?

Yeah, so make sure you come to Kissy's. We're not doing any of that silly stuff. We're not compliant with the CDC. So if you don't have a mask, you can just come right on in. It's fine. You know, there's this young comedian. I guess I can still call him young. Yeah, I'm not really sure about that. Yeah, you know, he...

The minute you said that, my ears pricked. I don't know who you're talking about, but I suddenly thought that was very braggy. You know, yeah, as I was saying it, it gave me pause and, you know...

let's, let's, I'll just call him a, a nice comedian. Rising star, rising, a rising star. I would never say that about this person, uh, myself, but that's very nice. I, uh, his name is Matt Apodaca. He has a podcast called what's with these homies talking about Weezer, where he talks to fun people about his favorite band Weezer, and they don't ever really seem to also be on board. That's a very fun, uh, podcast. Uh,

Do you know how he feels about the new Van Weezer songs that have come out? You know, he hasn't recorded an episode, but I've heard that he is truly just loving every second of it and having the best time possible with these crazy, crazy tracks. He must be very upset about the tour with Green Day that got canceled.

You know, I do have a good authority that he does have tickets for it, and his date has not been moved yet, and he's nervous. He's not going. It's not happening until next year. If it moves, he will go when it moves. But if it's on the same date, he will be there, and he will be there. We have to be late. Albert. Albert. Yes.

Food Lion. Okay. I want to plug. You know what I just found out, and this is such a bummer, is that the Comedy Bang Bang television show, which, Reese, you were so good to appear on back in the day. Yes. It is being taken off of Netflix as of June 2, I believe.

So you have just a few scant weeks. If I could implore the listeners out there of this show, which are Legion to just turn on comedy, bang, bang while you're in the house and you're not even watching TV, just let it run because it'd be nice to get those numbers up right before they take it down. Now, the good news, it's a real good news, bad news, bears situation where a

Apparently some episodes are now up on Pluto TV where you can see bajillion dollar properties. Another show, by the way, Reese, that you were on that you were so funny on. Oh, yeah. You can see bajillion dollar properties there. You can also see some episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. But watch the entire season if you haven't gotten to it yet on Netflix. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag.

Take your hand and Horatio comes and then he just says, The London of my life, it ain't a paradise. I've been staying all my life living in a dark room.

Open it up!

All right, that's a new remix. That was sent to us by Jonathan Astonish on Twitter. Thank you so much to him. That's a new remix of our Closing Up the Plug Bags theme. What did you think of that, Rhys? It was intense. Yeah. A great length, too. Yeah, a perfect length when you want to be wrapping something up.

Well, speaking of wrapping it up, I want to wrap up this episode. Rhys, always great to talk to you. Thanks so much for asking to be on the show, and especially with such a large time difference. By the way, what time is it now there? We're looking at 20 to 4 now. Amazing. Yeah, we're doing really well, guys. Another hour, and we can crack open a couple of... Alimony Tony, always great to see you. It's really...

Your story is always fascinating, and I promise next time I won't get so hung up on the one minor detail of your life. That's all right, Scott. I understand. You love music. You love comedy. It makes sense to me. Albert, I hope that you don't think that I'm coming for your neck when I say thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you for having me. You know, I was wondering where the rest of that sentence was going to go, and I was like, this seems neck adjacent, but thank you for not going all the way. I appreciate that.

I thought he was going to go on a rampage. All right. We'll see you next time, guys. Thanks. Bye. Where'd you get those shoes? DSW has all the shoes you need for whatever you're into. You know, like running shoes that give new meaning to personal best or everyday sneakers that make coffee runs look cool. Basically, DSW has all the best styles from the brands that always get it right. Like Nike, Brooks, Timberland, and more.

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