Bonus Bang: Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston, Zeke Nicholson, Ego Nwodim, Madeline Walter (The 9th Anniversary Show!)
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This is an ad for Roundup for Lawns. It kills weeds down to the root without harming your lawn. It works on crabgrass, dandelions, clover. It works on weeds with names you can't even pronounce. It's Roundup for Lawns. When used as directed, always read and follow pesticide label directions. Vitamin Water was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more flavor to pair with all the amazing food in the city. You can have the best meal in the world here if you can get a reservation.

Vitamin Water is so New York, it's three favorite cheeses are chopped cheese, bacon and cheese, and a slice of cheese pizza. We know where to get the best sushi in the city. And best nachos. And best bagels. And best... You get it. And you can find food trucks better than five-star restaurants. Drink Vitamin Water. It's from New York. Hey everyone, happy Thursday and welcome to another bonus bang. This is Scott Aukerman.

And we have a very special series of bonus bangs. Bonus bangs being, of course, previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we're bringing up from behind the paywall. And this is a very special series in honor of Comedy Bang Bang's upcoming 16th anniversary at the beginning of May. We're starting a brand new series featuring, yeah, you guessed it, classic anniversary episodes. For the next three weeks of these bonus bangs, you will hear myself,

and a rotating cast of some of our beloved guests as we celebrate Comedy Bang Bang growing progressively older in age. I get younger one year. I'll leave you to decide which year I got a little bit younger, but...

That's up to you. Uh, today we're re-releasing episode number 543 entitled the ninth anniversary show. It originally aired on April 30th, 2018, and it features an all-star cast. Uh, we have Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport, those men, as you know them, uh,

Paul F. Tompkins as Emily Grandchildren, Lauren Lapkus as Dirk Thirsty, Sean Diston as Rudy North, Zeke Nicholson as Kiwi Chris, Ega Wotem as Entree P. Neuer, and Madeline Walter as Charles Manson. So this is a great episode. We have a professional employee, an adventurer, a developer of new ideas. They're all here to celebrate the show's ninth year.

And this is a very funny one. So if you want to get more of your Comedy Bang Bang fix, you can hear our entire archive as well as every live episode we've ever done on cbbworld.com where subscribers get full access as well as other amazing shows. We have like Scott Hasn't Seen and Hey Randy. We're going to be right back on Monday with a brand new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. ♪

So, it's me, Sammy, and Dirty, John. Okay, so a slugger and a con man. Yes, and we are playing in the collegiate ultimate frisbee championships for the NESCAC. We have been signed by Lehigh.

So we set up to do our big play, big Frisbee play. We're all lined up. I've got the disc. And are you doing a big throw or a catch? So first I do a big throw. Oh, yes. And I throw to Sammy. Sammy pulls a huge baseball bat out of the back of his baseball kit. No, not now, Sammy. And swings a Frisbee, smash a Frisbee. Hey, hey.

What up? Sean? Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hayes, what are you guys doing in here? Hey, man. We're just doing our thing. Wait a minute. Well, can I make a small correction? We're doing our thing.

Wait, did the show start already or something? Yes, it has. Yes, baby. Engineer Brick, you started the show? I just got here. I will say the show has finally really started. Yes. It's been all a prelude to the show, and now the show has begun. Guys, this is the Comedy Bang Bang 9th Anniversary Show. Yes, we know that. This is not Hollywood Handbook. We saw that on.

Only took us nine years to get the formula right. Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing here? Hey, hey, hey, hey, language, dear. What, English? Yes, get out of the door. Okay.

This is not Hollywood Handbook. This is my show. Please leave. Get back here with my show. You've heard of that? Come back here with my show. Yes. My show. Get back here with my show. Get the fuck out of here, guys. All right? This is not the way to start a big celebratory ninth anniversary show with Hollywood Handbook, the least popular show on the Earwolf Network. Could be big for us, though, you have to admit. Yeah. You understand what our motivation was. Yes, I do.

Now, please try to adjust your motivation to motivate yourself out of the door. Are we officially least popular? No, I know you've been cutting a lot of dead weight. I don't know. There may be some canceled shows. I mean, The Wolf Den is always the least popular, but you're like neck and neck with that. Please leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Okay. All right. Sean and Hayes. Can everyone please have fun? Have a good time? We will have fun. Does anyone have some questions for me before I leave? No. No. Yes. Will you leave sooner? I just don't want anything to be okay.

Oh my gosh. Seanan Hayes of Hollywood Handbook. I don't know how this turned into an episode of Hollywood Handbook. Let me get my catchphrase. All right, they're gone. Please read to me from the wind in the willows while I lounge on your bed and fart in these pillows. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Oh my gosh. Run five minutes late one day and Hollywood Handbook comes in here and tries to take over the show.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. I'm Scott Aukerman, your real host. And that was, of course, Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements of Hollywood Handbook. And welcome to the show. Nine years. I mean, this is incredible. We've been nine years ago this very week. We sat down at the old Indy 103.1 studios and did our first episode. And here we are nine years later, and we're doing...

We're going to have a fun show here today. I don't quite know what's going on. My producer just told me to come here, and Engineer Brett had everything set up with those two buffoons, apparently. But I don't know what's happening. Some guests will drop by. It's very exciting to me. And so the first—oh, the door just opened. Oh.

Okay. A couple of people just walked in. Just keep doing what you're doing. Let me just say, just to start, I did knock a few times and nobody opened the door. Oh, hi, guys. What did you say? Just keep doing what you're doing. Just keep doing what I'm doing? Pretend we're not here. Just keep doing your thing. Pretend we're not here. Literally, I should pretend you're not here? Yes.

Well, I mean, what would that entail? Like, just like, so you guys are occupying physical space. Like, what if I were to swipe my arms in the space that you're- Ow! You hit my pecs. Your pectorals? Oh, don't hit Dirk's pecs.

He works out all the time. I'm sorry. Let me just explain to the listener. This is a chaotic show. First, apparently, the hosts of Hollywood Handbook decided to host the show. And now a gentleman and a woman have walked in here, and they want me to pretend they're not here. You can say I'm a lady. You can say I'm a man. Okay, a man and a lady? I like it. That fits better for you guys? Yes, it does. Okay. So do you have something against being called a gentleman? Yeah, because I'm nasty. Okay.

Wait, you're nasty. No, no, no. Of course I kid. I'm very buttoned up. Of course you kid. Of course. You don't know me yet, but of course I kid. Okay, is that part of your just whole... I simply am kidding, of course, but Emily and I have come in here to, well, just to observe and report. Just observing. Just observing and later we'll report. You're observing and then you're writing a report? First we observe, well, we don't necessarily have to write a report, but we will. Verbally, we could give one.

We could do it verbally. We could do it written. But you're going to do it written, you say? We're going to do both. She writes. I speak. That's right. I don't like the pens. And of course, I'm kidding. Dirk doesn't like the pens. Do you speak what she writes? No, of course. Look, you're getting into semantics. Here's what happens.

I write at the same time that Dirk speaks. We're in separate rooms. I say different things. And then we see if we match up. It's fun for us. How often? This is like the newlywed game or something. How often does it happen? We're not together. No, we are not. We're married to our work, not to each other. That's what we always say. Of course we kid. But are you married to other people? Yeah, and are you kidding right now? Because I can't tell what to take seriously. I'm kidding about the funny rhyme.

Right. What rhyme? The rhyme. Marriage or work not to each other. Guys, that does not rhyme. But it's a funny rhyme. It sounds like a rhyme. I mean, married and married, I guess. But isn't it a funny rhyme because it doesn't rhyme? That's what makes a funny rhyme funny. It's like a parody of a rhyme? Is that what you're trying to say? It's a spoof of a rhyme. It's a spoof. It's a send up. It's a send up of a rhyme. Okay. Okay.

So, of course, we're married to other people. Of course we are. To whom are you married? I'm married to my wife. Her name is Withers. Withers? Is her last name. Oh, so your last name is Withers. No, her last name. Oh, she just didn't take your name. Okay. No. Dirk's last name is Thirsty. Yes. Oh, Thirsty. So she didn't want to be... Her first name is Bursty, so she thought it would be weird. So Bursty Withers is...

The person to whom you're married. Yes, and of course we got, we started dating. The first date I thought, hey, watch out, you'll be bursty thirsty. She said, I'll never take your name. And of course she was kidding, but she stuck to it. She was kidding. Yeah.

Well, she didn't think we'd really get married. But she changed her mind. Yes. Okay. You're catching on. All right. And are you kidding right now about all this? No, I'm dead serious. Dead serious. Of course I can. I didn't know if you two would ever get married, and I'm so glad you finally did. Oh, we were together for so long.

Such a long time. What a wonderful wedding. And sir, what is your first name? You mentioned your name is Thirsty. My name is Dirk Thirsty. Dirk Thirsty. Yes. Okay, well, welcome to the show, Dirk Thirsty. Thanks. I've been listening to a bunch of apps to try to catch on to what does you do exactly. Okay, well. It's part of our job. It's part of our job. It's part of your job. And who are you, ma'am? My name is Emily Grandchildren. Emily Grandchildren.

Emily Grandchildren. Yes. And to whom are you married? I'm married to a man named Richard Box. Richard Box. Interesting. That's almost like Richard Bachman, the writer of the... Okay, it's him. Oh, wait. You're married to Richard Bachman? I'm married to Richard Bachman. That is a pseudonym for Stephen King. I'm married to Stephen King. Are you happy? Okay.

Now are you happy? We've always wondered. You're married to Stephen King? Yes. Can we get past it? First of all, I have so many questions. I mean, this is incredible. Yes, I was his cocaine dealer. That's how we met. Number two, do you like being scared?

I don't like being scared. Isn't that funny? You don't. So you do not read his books or do you not find them scary? Well, I read them. I don't find them scary. Oh, really? I don't see what the big deal is. He's the modern master of horror. Well, I saw my parents killed in front of me, so that's my bar for scary. Oh. So a haunted hotel, whatever. Yeah. How did your parents die in front of you? They were executed. Summarily? Yeah.

They were summarily executed, yes. Oh, my goodness. By whom? Oh, by... A warlord of some sort? A warlord, yes. How did you guess? Did you read her Wikipedia? Did you read my Wikipedia? Yes.

You looking at the Wikipedia? Wikipedia Blue? My parents were drug dealers as well, so they were executed by Colombian drug lords. Did you inherit their business? Yes, I did. Oh, okay. It wasn't a side business that was a competitor. No, my brother and I decided to carry on the family business, and then I got out of that life eventually. Oh, okay. And now what do you do now? You guys say you're here for work. Well, yes. You could say that.

You could. And you should. You did say that. Because that is why we are here. And it's why we're here. Yes. And of course we were kidding when we said. Of course we were kidding. Anything. It was a funny rhyme. We were doing a funny rhyme. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look

Guys, guys, what are you doing here? This is my ninth anniversary show. Call us man and lady. Call us man and lady. Man, lady. Why are you here? I need to get on with my show. I need to get to several guests from what I understand. We're from corporate, if you must know. Corporate? We're from corporate, yeah. Mid-roll if you're nasty. Yes, and the parent company, Scripps. I am nasty, oh no. Well, let's mid-roll then, baby. Scripps' parent company, RC Cola.

You guys are from R.C.? Yeah. Oh, no. Is there a problem? The pop of Indiana. Is there an issue with the show? I mean— Well, we hope not. Here's what we've heard and why we've been sent here by R.C. We've heard that you have an open-door policy on this show. Well, yes, it's always been that way. All nine years, we— Will you please stop mansplaining to Emily? I'm a lady. I'm a lady.

Let me ladiesplain to you? No, no. Let her ladiesplain to you. Now, what were you saying, Mrs. Grandchildren? How old are you guys, by the way? Because you sounded very old right then. How old are you? Exactly. What a question to ask.

Why don't you take a guess? I can ask a gentleman with huge pectorals. Take a guess, judging by the length of my beard. You're going to be surprised. Well, a beard like that, I would... It's a perfect point. Yes. A beard like that would kill your brother. West Side Story. That's a funny rhyme. A beard like that would take approximately five years to grow. And so I'm five? No, but you...

He's clearly older than five. I have a job, sir. What a terrible guess. If you started growing beard hair at 13, you may be 18 years old. I'll take it. I'll tell you what, I'm not. I'm not at all. How old are you? Talk about the color of my beard, sir. Oh, okay. I was not looking at the color. I was merely looking at the shape and length.

Put on your color eyes. Put on your color eyes. You want me to colorize that beard like it's a wonderful life? Yeah, what are you, Ted Turner? Do it. Okay. What I'm seeing here is it's sort of, it's almost like every color in the rainbow. That's right. Beautiful. It's iridescent like a fish left out on a dock. I dip dye every time it grows longer. Dip dye. So how am I supposed to tell how old you are by your rainbow beard? You look like the John 316 guy.

Upside down. How old is he? So upside down. He's either three or 16. I'm guessing 16 since he has a beard. I'm three times 16. Upside down, it would be more like 91E. Okay. Three 16. No, I got it. Yep. Okay. How old are you? I said I'm three times 16. Do the math. Three times 16, you're 48? I don't know. This is just what he's been told.

Dirk refuses to know when his birthday is, when he was born. He just wants to live his life. I admire it, actually. I wish I didn't know when my birthday was. I don't want to live on a timeline. That's right. But you do want to know what your age is divisible by? Yeah. Well, that's what he's been told. But I don't know how to do the math.

Okay, okay. So you're 48 years old, and you, ma'am, or lady. Lady. Lady, I beg your pardon. You're going to womansplain something to me? Oh, yeah. What was that? Oh, yeah. What was that? You were going to womansplain? First of all, I'm going to ladiesplain. Oh, okay. You were going to ladiesplain what corporate is doing here. Oh, the show and how it's a problem. The open-door policy. The open-door policy. We've been getting complaints. From Reddit users. Twitter. Twitter.

So people on the internet in general, they're used... Church bulletins. Oh, no. Lost dog flyers. I saw a skywritten one. Where was this? Were you on the beach? I was on the beach.

That's primarily where I see my skywriting. I saw a plane pulling a banner that said, Comedy Bang Bang. I have some issues with it. Oh, no. Then I saw a skywriter say, Open Door Policy? I don't think so. Exclamation point. They did a loop-de-loop until they crashed into the water. They crashed? Oh, no. It was beautiful to watch, though. Oh, I bet. I have to imagine that the person went down doing what they loved. Doing loop-de-loops or just flying in general? The guy said, I meant to do that as they fell in. Yes.

Do you mind speaking up, sir? You seem to mumble everything you're saying. I'm sorry, you can't hear me? I mean, a person with those giant pectorals, it seems like you would have a lot of lung capacity. My voice goes into my body.

Dirk's voice goes into his body. It goes backwards? Yes. If you can't hear it, get inside. You're asking me to fuck you? What are you doing? What? Excuse me, I'm from a corporate. Oh, I beg your pardon. This is like... That'll have to go into our written and oral report. That's going to be in the oral one. Why are you winking at me? Now you're doing it to me. I need to report you to corporate. No, I'm calling a horse.

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Okay, look. So there's an issue with the open door policy. I would say the primary issue right now is the fact that you guys just walked in. Well, you see how easy that was? Exactly. It's proving our point. Okay. That people have a problem with it. Interestingly, I knocked and no one reacted. Then I opened the door and we came right in. Right. Well, here's the problem. Do you want that to happen at your home?

Do you? See something, say something. Look. We will do that at your home if you want it to happen. No, I do not. We'll see you tonight. No, thank you. But look. The die has been cast. For recent listeners of the show, what people don't know is that there is an open door policy in the show. Sometimes people are allowed to just walk right in and talk to the mic. Whomever comes by the studio is allowed to. And you're saying this is an issue. This is a problem. It could be. What we like to do is— But has it been? No.

Well, some people have complained. Okay. People who haven't complained, I assume, are fine with it. Right. Very rarely do people say, I don't have a problem with this part of the show. And also very rarely do people say, I enjoy this part of anything. That's true. Human beings generally are just like a miserable lot, aren't they? That's also true. So what we're going to do is we're going to just monitor the show. I'm assuming the open door policy is in effect. It is. So we'll just...

Sit here. You'll see if it's ever a problem. And we'll just chime in. We'll chime in. We'll just chime in if we have something to say. We'll do some of our classic chime-ins. Okay. We'll do a funny rhyme. If we need a little spicing up. Exactly. I could use a little right now. Here's a funny rhyme. Yeah. A stitch in time. Hold on. How did it go? Why don't I do mine and you think about yours? Okay. Okay. Here's a funny rhyme. Okay.

I remember mine. Oh, okay, go ahead. A stitch in time, well, that's really cool. Wait a minute, this sounds familiar to me. Are you ready for mine? Yes, I am ready for yours. When in doubt, listen to your heart. That's where you go to know things that you need to know. Okay, nothing rhymed to that one. Oh, I've got another one. It's a funny rhyme. Okay, you have another one? We're having sort of a funny rhyme-off. They always say...

They always say lightning doesn't strike twice, but do they ever say, sometimes it does? This is more like a closing sentiment off than anything resembling a rhyme. I don't know what that is. We don't know what you mean. Okay. Well, guys, I hope that you are... Guys, again with that. Hello, look at me. Man and woman? What did you want me to say? No, man and lady. Please stop flapping your penis at me, by the way. You were just blowing on it? What?

To what? To get it to move slightly in the wind? Flapping the penis, slapping the bass. That's almost a rhyme, flapping and slapping. Front loaded, though. It's a funny rhyme. Yeah. Well, guys, sorry, man, woman, woman, lady, man and lady. It's very simple. It's just as simple as it is to peep what we are. Can I just call you Dirk and Emily? Is that okay? Aww.

That made you so sad. You guys look like a crying emoji right there. I'd like to be called Miss Grandchildren. Do you see people's faces as emojis? Do I have money in my mouth? Oh, honey. Oh, honey. You look like the crying emoji. What did I do? Now you look like the barfing emoji. Are you sick?

All right. Well, you're going to be here the entire show? We have to. Yes, we are. We have to. We don't want to. It's great to see you guys. Oh, again. Great to see you, Ms. Grandchildren and Dirk. It's a verbal tick. I've said it my entire life. I call everyone guys. You have to stop now. Okay. Now is the day. You don't do that ever again. Really? I don't think I'm going to be able to. This is how you will mark time for the rest of your life. Today is the day. Open this card. The demarcation point is now. Open this card. Open the card. Oh, okay. I don't want to.

We both signed it. You guys got me a card? Yes, we did. And please read it out loud. Dear Scott, to whom it may concern. Why did you put that after Dear Scott? Because we weren't sure you were going to be here. You'll see that Dear Scott is written over to whom it may concern. Oh, okay. So then we were told you were here. Oh, okay, yes. I...

With all of the love in our hearts, we welcome you to the studio. RC Cola would love to celebrate your ninth anniversary with a free case of RC Strawberry Cola, which is no longer popular, and thereby why we were able to gather so much of it and give it to you. We have that in the front.

You left that in the front? Uh-huh. Okay, party in the back. Right up there in the front. All right. We left it in the front. You can party in the back. Yes, sincerely, Ms. Grandchildren and Dirk Thirsty. Well, oh, by the way, you work for RC Cola. Is that, I mean, your last name is Thirsty. Was that a coincidence? It's a coincidence because RC is so far removed from what I actually do. Oh, how do you mean that? Because I'm working not at the RC offices. Oh, okay. You're out there in the field, out there on the streets? Yeah.

I'm in the streets. Yeah, you're a field agent. Dirk's a corporate floater. I'm a corporate floater, which is what I wanted to be when I grew up. I don't quite know what that means. It's like a poop in a toilet. It's like a poop in a toilet. But in the business world? Yes. So it's the equivalent. Okay, got it. All right, well, I think it's time to get to our first guest. Why? What? Who came in here?

Our producer is handing me a sheet here, and everyone is a surprise to me today. So let's see who we have here. Oh, well, this is very exciting. This is, it reads here, fan favorite. He's been on the show several times, but only recently. Yeah, that's right.

Only in approximately the last five, six months. Yeah, he's catching on quick, this guy. Yeah, Rudy North is here. Rudy North, professional employee, Rudy North. Professional employee and fan favorite. Scott, I need to get this out of the way right now. Oh, really? You don't want to meet our other... Oh, I'll get to these two in a second. Okay. You have to get something off your chest, Rudy. Welcome back to the show. Thank you, Scott. No time for formalities or pleasantries, though. I gotta get to this right away, Scott. You gotta get to it. Okay, let there be no more dalliances, please. Scott?

Let's go ahead and do a recap previously on Comedy Bang Bang. I am a dirtbag. I...

Life swapped a guy, took his job at Postmates. Got fired for Postmates for punching people in the throat. Right. Then I life swapped a guy at Target, took his job at security. Right. I got fired for punching people in the throat. Right. Then at the end of the last show, I took Engineer Cody's job. We had a life swap. He's no longer here, dear world. He's no longer here, but I haven't seen you around. I was immediately fired.

Oh, okay. I punched Engineer Brett in the throat. Oh, no. Brett, is that true? Don't get on that. Yeah, you've noticed. He can't talk anymore. His throat is fucked up. Oh, is that why? Oh, my gosh. You've been, like, gesturing the please give me the Heimlich thing.

He does that a lot now. It's a comfort thing for him. Yeah. It's like a thunder blanket for a dog. Right. Yeah. Okay, so that catches us up? Yes, that catches you up. Because as far as I recall, you were also a magical being. That's not important, Scott. Scott, I'm here to talk about my employment. And Scott, I got a new job. You got a new job. That's right, Scott. Okay. Well, I was fired from Year Wolf, of course. Of course you were, yes. Of course. All right. Now, I was walking through a park.

Just the other day? I was walking through a park just the other day. Okay. And there was a guy, I heard this sound and it was loud. Describe the sound, please. The sound, it was loud. Okay, well sounds are normally varying volumes. It was loud. So this was at the upper end of the decibel scale? It was a tonal sound. Oh, okay. So the tone, it was like a tone. Can I give you an example of what it sounded like? Yes, please. It sounded like this.

That kind of sound. So sort of like... Singing. It was like singing, but it was coming from an engine, a motor. And I walked over to it, and I saw a man holding a leaf blower, Scott. Okay, this is very confusing. Let me try to figure this out. You heard a sound like singing. Yes. It was coming from a motor. A motor? In a car? No, it was a leaf blower, Scott. Oh, I think I know what's going on here. And correct me if I'm wrong. Was this a Flintstones situation?

Where the leaf blower was a living creature. Like a dinosaur of some sort. You know what? If this was prehistoric times, it might have been. But

But this was current times. But this was current times. We had the machines. Look. Can I ask you a question? You noticed it was from a motor before it was from a leaf blower? I have a keen sense of hearing, Scott. Oh, okay. Based on my time on this earth. Yeah, but you heard it and it was singing. Based on what? I'm sorry? Based on my time on this earth. Okay. Oh, okay. But I heard it. It was a singing. We've all had time on this earth. Yeah, that's right. So why should yours be any more keen? My hearing's very good. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm very old, but we don't have time to get into this. Oh, that's right. You're hundreds of years old. I'm hundreds of years old. Scott. Yes. I punched this guy in the throat. The guy holding the leaf blower? Yep. Took his leaf blower. Okay. Took his job. Took his life. Okay. What was his job? Leaf blower. Oh, okay. I thought that might be something he was doing on the weekend. No, no. He's a leaf blower. He's... Okay. And he works for the city of Los Angeles. Okay. Scott.

I'm happy to say that I'm a happy employee for the city of Los Angeles. I'm a leaf blower. Oh, my gosh. Congratulations. Thank you. I appreciate that. Rudy Norik, you finally have what could be a career. Now, Scott, a lot of people –

You're calling it a career and I appreciate that because a lot of people look down on leaf blowers and they say, is that even a job? It's very easy. Well, I would assume no one would do that unless they were getting paid for it. Well, yeah. Or they were trying to do the upkeep of their own property. I say being a leaf blower is akin to being an architect.

Okay, how do you mean? Like, I'm trying to think of architects that I've met. Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady is the only famous example of an architect. Frazier. Frazier was an architect? I think. Caroline in the City.

She drew buildings. She drew buildings? She did draw a building. Wait, was she a cartoonist? Ted Knight from Too Close for Comfort. He also drew buildings. Okay. I feel like Frasier was a call-in radio host. I feel like he might have been. But I might be wrong. I don't know anything about Hollywood. Frasier Crane? Your last name's Crane. You don't work with them? Oh, shit. You know what? He was an architect.

I'm a little confused by the sound that this leaf blower made. All right, you want me to do it again? Yeah, well, no, but it sounds like a human being singing. Well, Scott, I'm not... That was pretty good. Oh, we were sneezing. Oh, that was a sneeze? Fuss you. It's one of the things that caused us to work together, we realized, around the office. Oh, got another one. We both...

You instantly harmonized. Wow. Did we? I got a good ear. I couldn't hear over my own sneezing. I was sneezing. I guess any two different notes are harmony in a certain chord. Hey, you're the music expert, Scott. I'm just the leafboard expert. I guess Scott's criticizing how we sneeze.

I'm not criticizing at all. I'm merely, I was more criticizing what Rudy said. Well, hold up. Don't criticize. If you're going to criticize anything, criticize these nuts. My dear fellow. I'm just saying, Scott. Wait, did you say that because your nuts are critter-sized? Those are as big as possums. I got big nuts, and if you're going to criticize anything, you got to criticize my nuts.

Now, Scott, you're not respecting me, Scott, because I'm telling you that leaf blowing is hard. Don't punch me in the throat. I'm not going to punch you in the throat. All right. Dirtbag's head shake. I'm not going to punch you in the throat.

Now, Scott. Were you a genie or something? No, I was not a genie. Now, yes, I might have a similar voice to a genie that might have appeared on the show. Don't we all? Don't we all have similar voices? I know I sound like a genie. I sound like many people. But I'm trying to... You always come in here and you say we never have time to talk about your backstory. I'm worried we're getting into the, you know...

The intricacies of leaf blowing, I'm really interested in the... How could you be interested in leaf blowing? You're immortal. Okay, Scott, I'm immortal. I wasn't born into a human body. I was born in 1600. These are things that we all know. Can we talk about leaf blowing? All right, go ahead. Scott. Look, it's your show. I don't think you understand. It's his show. I'm already down. It's your time. It is my time. The floor is yours, is what I mean to say. Thank you, Scott. This forum is mine, and I want to talk about the importance of blowing leaves. Oops.

The importance of it. Yes. Now, Oscar Wilde. The importance of blower leaves by Oscar Wilde. Where do they go? Anytime I see someone blowing leaves around, I'm like, it's like when you go in, there's an air dryer in the public restroom. Where does the water go? Where does the water go? It's just like flicking it around, you know, onto the floor. It evaporates. Yeah, in that situation, it evaporates. But with leaves, isn't it very... So do leaves evaporate? Can't you just...

Absolutely. See where the leaves go? It just seems like they're just flying around and then it's like, well, they're no longer on my property anymore. They're on someone else's. Yeah, my job is to get leaves off of sidewalks and get them onto people's shoes and faces. Yes.

And to sort of get them so that people can walk down the sidewalk and be like, wow, this is clean, but ooh, it smells like mulch. There's bugs everywhere. And somebody sort of swished around all this dirt with air and didn't really do anything. Right. I mean, so you're just like blowing leaves onto someone's face so they look like Gene Simmons in his kiss makeup or something? That's my favorite thing to do.

Blowing leaves on people's faces so they look like Gene Simmons in the Kiss makeup. Scott, you should be a leaf blower, man. I'm very happy in my current position. Yeah, you know what? I don't know if you have the skills to blow leaves. Yeah, what are the skills involved? I mean, it seems like you pick up a thing and then you point it at something. You have to turn it on. Is that about it? You've never leaf blown before, Scott? I don't believe I ever have, no. That was some expert shit right there. Damn, so you pick it up and then you turn it on?

You're pretty good, Scott. And then you point it. You know what? Man, leaf blow is pretty easy. Yeah. I mean, it's a very low-paying job. I mean, I'm sure there are people out there. I mean, I don't think there's anyone out there listening to podcasts while they leaf blow. I think it would be impossible. No, that's crazy. So, you know, I don't think I'm insulting anyone really. No, no, no. But it's a very low-paying, low-wage job that, you know, people don't want to stay in for a long period of time usually. Can I ask you a question, Scott? Sure. How much money do you make?

That's a good question. This is interesting. Has anyone ever asked you that before? Yes, I'd like to know this as well. I mean, here's the problem. When you're in show business, jobs come and go. It fluctuates so much. Give me an average of the last three years. Of the last three? Yeah, yeah. I would have to take a look at my tax returns. I don't have them easily accessible to me. You can't even keep track of it. This is interesting. Well, that is interesting. This isn't a rude question. I feel like this question is a normal question. You put the rude in Rudy North, my friend. Ooh, funny rhyme. That's a funny rhyme. That is a funny rhyme.

That is good. Quite good. How much money do you make? Well, I mean. What are we paying you? You guys should have this information more than anyone. We do. We just want to know how you interpret it. In dollars. Okay. Wow. You in trouble now, Scott. Interesting. Rudy, what are you talking about? Making a note of that. Look, Rudy, why are you here? Not to quote the Beastie Boys, but why are you here? Supposed to be pretzels. Supposed to be pretzels.

They're still talking. Hold on. What are y'all saying? I'm sorry. You were supposed to be paid in pretzels, not dollars. Are you being paid in dollars? Because that's a problem. You want to pay me in the equivalent number of pretzels that dollars would buy? Listen. No, the equivalent number of pretzels that would be dollars. So every dollar is one pretzel? Because that's not an equitable, I mean. Maybe you don't understand how corporate culture works. We're paying you in pretzels to make you thirsty to buy RC Cola and drink it. He's thirsty. That's my name, not my number. Okay.

What's your number? 312... Hold on. Is this your social security or your telephone? You figure it out. Uh-oh. What do we got? 312...

9-2. 9-2. 3. 3. 1-2-2. 1-2-2. 0. 0. 9-2-2. 9-2-2. This is not a social security number. It doesn't even sound like a phone number anymore. 4-0-9. 4-0-9. 32. Like the formula. Oh, my gosh. Times 16. Times 16. Oh, I can't even keep track anymore. And I'm relatively good at math. 2-0-2.

Well, this is wild. I mean, Scott, can I just say, Scott? Yeah. You asked me why I was here. Yeah, why are you here? I did want to tell you about my new job, but I did have some other news I need to deliver to you, but then we can move on and we don't need to talk. Okay, this is news about yourself or news about me? It's kind of news about myself, but it's news about everybody. Okay. Okay.

Scott. I'm sorry. Everybody in the world? Or everybody here. Everyone who's ever existed. Ever existed? The dead? Yeah. Look, Scott. From the first caveman that took a lightning strike to a tree branch and decided like, oh, that keeps me warm.

He's affected too, Scott. Oh my gosh. The first caveman that took a lightning strike to a tree branch and said, oh, that keeps me warm. You guys think that's a weird question? I got it. Scott, your actual name is Slot Ackerman.

We're living in a Flashpoint-esque scenario where I've traveled back in time and changed details. And you've altered the future? Yeah. Little details have changed in everyone's lives. Like the buttercream effect? It's like the buttercream effect, Scott. Oh, no. So, yeah. Your name is Scott now. It's Scott now, but it used to be Slott? It used to be Slott Ackerman. I don't know quite how to feel about that. What was my name, Dirtbag? Oh, your name was Mrs. Grandkids.

Mrs. Grandkids, not Miss Grandchildren? No, it was Mrs. Grandkids. What was my name? Oh, your name? Dick Thirsty. I'll stick with Dirk. Okay, yeah. Okay, but was Miss Grandchildren married to Stephen King in the previous? She was married to Stephen Prince. Stephen Prince? Yeah. Yeah.

Scott, I don't really want to explain all the differences. Was Stephen King's name Stephen Prince before? Or was it a totally different person? When you go back that far in time...

It's hard to kind of predict the outcomes. So, yeah, it's hard. How far back did you go in order to change all this? I went back before humans existed. Whoa, the primordial ooze. I think you have a lot of other guests, Scott, and I feel like we shouldn't really get too far into this. How did you achieve it? Because as far as I know, you're just an immortal. Oh, yeah, I can run really fast like the Flash. Yeah.

Just like the DC Comics Flash. Okay, so you can't time travel in terms of just like if you wanted to. You'd have to run really fast. I run really fast. You ran backwards in time. I have the same powers as the Flash. Every single power? Yep. I can phase through stuff. I can also make duplicates of myself when I vibrate really fast. Okay. Can you bring other people into the Speed Force and have them experience? Yeah. I would love to experience it. You want to talk to the Speed Force? Yeah, let me get in there. All right, hold on.

Oh my God, that was amazing. Yeah, that was pretty crazy. That was like three years we were in there. What did you say to the Speed Force? What?

I don't know. We just didn't talk back, so I just... Yeah, he said a lot of stuff. But, Scott, we had a lot of fun times in there. That was really fun. I feel like, I mean, you're my best friend. I love you, Scott. For the last three years. How long were we gone? Was it like two years? Why are you guys still here? I can't believe it. It was... Oh, we've been... The time stopped over here, I guess. It was just like a millisecond to us. Oh, my...

Oh my gosh. That's right, Scott. Rudy and I have experienced so much. He told me his whole backstory. I learned everything about him. Now, Scott, now that you know the backstory, let's not start telling people. It's boring to me now. It's boring, right? Yeah, I don't want to hear it anymore. You've talked so much about it. Do you want to have a secret conversation? What are you guys talking about? Nothing. I don't feel good because of what happened just now. What do you mean? Emotionally or physically? They went away and then they came back and they're best friends. But don't you see they're lying? No. Well, they are.

Really? I never think anyone's lying. You're too trusting, Dirk. Of course I kid. Of course I kid. What? You guys really feel bad that we... Or you think we're lying? Which is it? Dirk feels bad. I think you're lying. Okay.

Wow. It's one or the other. Okay. Either you made Dirk feel bad or you're lying. All right. Dirk feels bad is what I'll take. Why did you do that? That's going in my report. I'm going to be speaking audibly about this. Okay. Scott, can I have a private conversation with you? Yeah, let's have a private conversation. Scott, you remember like eight months ago we were in the Speed Force? Yeah, yeah, of course. We were talking in the Speed Force. Which day? Which hour are you talking about? Back in like Speed Force November. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you were like... It was like right next to Speed Force Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, which was fun. I remember that. We gathered all the Speed Force pilgrims and Native Americans. So you remember you were trying to make a dish for everybody? Yeah, sure. And I said, Scott, you can't please everybody. Yeah, that was good advice. I was trying so hard and it was running me ragged and I was really worried about every single person's feelings. This is just like that, Scott. You cannot...

Try to please all these people. Rudy, this is why I love you. But you should try to please us because we're in charge of the show. That's right. We're determining your fate right now. You guys were listening to our private conversation? Well, it was on my case. This is going in Rudy and my report. Hell yeah. We make reports now, motherfuckers. Yeah, this is going in our report, motherfuckers. Well, guess what? Nobody cares what your report says. All right.

Or wait, is it mothers fucker or is it motherfuckers? Oh, it used to be mothers fucker. But when I changed the timeline, now it's motherfuckers. Okay. This is a Berenstain bear situation. Yeah. Berenstain. Okay. Um, look, we are coming up on a break here. Uh,

Rudy. Yeah, I'm sorry for dropping that bomb, but we've gotten so close. We have gotten so close, Scott. Can you stick around, Rudy? Is that okay? I just, I feel like I can't do the show anymore with it. I mean... You think I would leave you at this time of peril, Scott? I haven't done this show in three years. I feel like I'm a little rusty. I need...

best friend Rudy here. Literally no time has passed. I know, but for us it has. It's been a while. Scott, I got your back. It's been a while. Alright, well guys, let's go to a break. When we come back, we'll have more surprises. This is exciting. I have no idea. After this word from RC Cola. Okay, yes. I'm assuming. Do you want to do an RC Cola ad? I do, yes. Okay, go ahead. Oh, sure. Yeah, Emily and Dirk, go ahead.

What are you drinking, Dirk? That doesn't sound like what you were drinking before. We're doing a commercial. This is a commercial. Before when you were drinking, it was... I was about to explain that I wasn't drinking. Be quiet. Dirk, what's going on? You're not drinking. My tongue fell out. What's that? My tongue fell out. It's too hard from no drinks. Oh, no. I've got the perfect solution.

Are you familiar with Royal Crown Cola? No. Well, it's commonly known as RC Cola. Did I ring a bell? I am familiar. Here, drink some of it. Ouch. What? You drank too fast. Hey, I'm Dirtbag Rudy North. Fllll.

He just thump punched them. Yeah, drink RC Cola. I'm coming for that ass, baby. All right. Wow, good commercial. Let's hear some for our real sponsors. I love that film. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang, more Dirk Thirsty, more Emily Grandchildren, more Rudy North, and more surprises after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with my best friend Rudy North is here and dude, we just have been like, dude, we've been just like getting real with each other during the break. It was too much improv during commercial. Too much improv during commercial. Excuse me. We can do whatever we want. You're listening to my private notes. Why are you speaking them aloud, Ms. Grandchildren?

Yes, I am. It helps me to think. We're back here with Miss Grandchildren, Emily Grandchildren, and Dirk Thirsty. I meant to ask you, Miss Grandchildren, do you work for Royal Crown Cola because you're married to Stephen King?

Look. I cannot believe. I keep thinking people are going to stop asking me that. Obviously, I do. It's a doy-doy. Okay, cool. Now, for me, it's a coincidence. The thirsty thing is a coincidence, but the crown and king. But for us, crown and king is... Exactly. So did Stephen King...

suggest you do it because he wanted to drink the drink that reminded him of his last name? You don't call him Stephen King when you know him. What do you call him? Coxy. Coxy? Coxy. But, Coxy. Here's the thing.

I was a cocaine dealer. Right. I dealt cocaine to Stephen King. But isn't that what... So much so... Do you want to hear the story or not? I do. Wow. So much so that I called him coaxie. Okay. He said, when you call me coaxie, it makes me thirsty for soft drinks. And I said...

What? I'm thirsty. Dirk was there. Okay. And then he said... But you did not want to work for the corporation due to that. No, I just was hanging out with my friend, Emily Grandchildren. And my soon-to-be husband, Stephen King. And I said, I'm thirsty.

And then he said, these pretzels are making me thirsty. And then we said, stop always quoting Seinfeld. You'll never be him. You're a scary guy. Stephen King wanted to be Seinfeld? Oh, that's all he wanted. He wanted to be funny. You're a scary guy, not a funny guy. Every musician wants to be funny. Every horror novelist wants to be Jerry Seinfeld. Everyone wishes they were funner. Right. Everyone wishes they were funner.

Isn't it weird you used to deal coke and now you work for a cola? Well, that's what I was getting to, but he wouldn't shut up. Okay. Well, he wouldn't shut up more than me. Well, that's allowed in our relationship. Isn't it weird that you used to deal coke and I love the stuff? And of course, I'm kidding. You don't like artsy cola? No.

Oh, cocaine, you dumb fuck. Can't you hear? Hey, hey, hey, back off. Thank you, Rudy. Don't fuck with my man, Scott. All right, I'm glad you have my back here. Rudy, this is going in my report. I don't even work here anymore. Y'all fired the fuck out of me. Yeah, but this is going in our report. Are you writing this now? I'm writing it down. We're all writing everything down. Okay. Shit, I got to pay the paper right here. Is your name Rudy? Is it short for Rudith? No. Is it short for rudimentary? Yes. Yes.

Your name back in the... I was born in 1600. No, I know all this. Yeah, you know that, but... Rudimentary North. That never came up in the last three years. I never told you about my name. You never told me about Rudimentary North. I was named after a compass. Oh.

Oh! Scott, we can't get into this right now. Not true north. Not rudimentary north. So it's just sort of north. That's right. But that was a great question. I can't believe that didn't come up, Scott. Maybe we need to go back in and speak. Well, whatever. Maybe after the show. Maybe at the end of the show we will. Maybe you're not the best choice for host for this show if you're not asking the best questions.

Okay, well, we covered so much in the last three years. It's just an idea and I'm writing it down. All right, look, we need to get to our next guest. And Engineer Bretz handed me another piece of paper. And, oh, this is exciting. We've only talked to him once, but...

He was a fan favorite. He is from Australia? Oh, Scott. Oh, yeah. Hi. How you going? Hi. It's Kiwi Chris is back. Kiwi Chris. Yeah. Bit of an adventurer, thru-hiker, or a big picker. Guy who falls in holes. Right. Guys who falls in holes. I goes in falls in holes. Guys who falls in holes. Yeah, Scott. I'm not from Australia. I'm from New Zealand. New Zealand. That's why I'm a Kiwi. Yes. Come on there.

How you going? Welcome back to the show. How you going? What's up, dude? What's up? What's up? What's the rudimentary? I like this guy. Welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you. Good to be here. I have a problem when I listen to an accent. I have to do it. Wait, which one of you is talking now? It's not me. It is you.

Dirk? Doesn't sound a lot like me at all. I'm a big, plotly offended. Just kidding. I'm casual. I don't care. That's how you life swap somebody. You just start saying their accent, then you take their wallet, and then you take their identity.

That's how it's, yeah, that's of course how it started. Accent wallet identity. Well, throat punch also. Throat punch? Well, that's a given. Sure. So that doesn't have to be in the instructions. Yeah. Right. So, Chris, it's so good to see you. This is- Kiwi Chris. First name Kiwi, late name Chris. So sorry. Kiwi, it's so good to see you. This is Dirk Thirsty and Emily Grandchildren. Emily?

Since the last time I saw you about three and a half years ago. Yeah. Long time, huh? Oh, well. It doesn't feel that long to me. Rudy and I have been in the Speed Force for three years. Oh, I've been there. It's nice. It took a millisecond here, but we became best friends. Have you stayed in the hostel in the Speed Force?

Oh, you've been at a Speed Force? Yeah, I've been there. So here's my thing. That's primarily where we were, yeah. I'm a bit of an accidental interdimensional traveler, right? I fall in holes and I discover things. That's my thing, right? So I fell in a hole and I fell into the Speed Force, and it was nice. I was there for a bit. Tight. And then I came out, you know? How long were you in the Speed Force? Oh, I mean, time is relative there, huh? Well, yeah. That's true. How many holes do you fall in? A lot of holes. I'm a very clumsy guy.

Bit of a clumsy man. You sort of tripped as you were walking in here, I noticed. And luckily there were no holes in the floor here. No, no. But let me tell you, yesterday I fell in a hole and guess what I discovered? What's that? Arthurian Kimalot. Arthurian Kimalot? Yeah, Kimalot. Kimalot? Kimalot. Like Lancelot, Guinevere, Arthur. Merlin? Merlin. Was he there?

Yeah, it was there. The whole gang was there. They were all alive? Yeah. The whole gang? The whole squad was there. They were just hanging out at the round table. Did you fall back in time as well? Yeah, these halls are falling. The space and time is relative. They're sort of like Stargates. I don't know what that is. Oh, okay. Did you ever see the movie Stargate? No. It had the guy whose penis was in the crying game. Oh, yeah. No, I've seen that penis, but I haven't seen the game. Yes.

You haven't seen the crime game? Nah, just the penis online. I've seen the movie, but not the game. You went to HollywoodPenises.com? I don't hate the game. Don't hate the penis, hate the game. Look. Stupid. Stupid? I mean, I liked it. That's what I say when I like something. Oh, okay. That's Kiwi slack. Write it down. So you went to Camelot? Yeah, I went to Camelot. It was really nice, right? Let me tell you, that table is pretty square.

Oh, it's not around? It's not around? No. Like pretty square. When you say pretty square, what do you mean? It's like oblong, you know? How many sides did it have? I don't know. It was like a bit of a tripezoid.

Bit of a trapezoid. Kind of a trapezoid. Yeah, so like it's got two like parallel, two, one parallel and then, you know, you've seen a trapezoid, right? I mean, occasionally. Looks like the top of a Pizza Hut. Yeah, that's a good way to say it. Yeah, or like a Pizza Hut slash Wingstop. Right, yeah. So it's a pretty square-eye blowing trapezoid. That's right. Yeah, but it's not Rand. Here.

Here's the crazy thing I've learned from falling in my holes. It's like, history is written by the winners, huh? Oh, yeah. So Arthurian Camelot were not winners in that situation. No, no, no. No. Who won in that situation? I don't know. I haven't been there before today or yesterday. People who love circles? I guess so. Maybe Genghis Khan and his boys. Oh, okay. Yeah. So what did you do while you were there other than looking at the table? I hung out. You know, I was with Merlin. He showed me a stiff. It was pretty nice stiff.

A staff. His staff. Oh, okay. Right, right. Yeah. He cut it off of a big old tray, you know, and he put a bit of magic inside and he was like, da-da-bing, da-da-boom, and then he was a wizard. Wait a minute. He put magic inside his staff and then he was a wizard? Yeah. And he said, da-da-bing, da-da-boom, da-da-bing, da-da-boom. Was it like that commercial, the ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom commercial? Could be, yeah. No, it was da-da-bing, da-da-boom. Okay, sorry. Da-da-bing, da-da-boom. Sorry. Yeah.

Queen of real beauty. Bit of a looker, huh? Oh, I guess. Yeah, everyone was fighting over her. Yeah. She was like the healing of Troy, but like of England of a different time. That's a good analogy, I guess. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Of course, Rudy. You don't have to ask me if you can ask a question. I just want to be polite with you.

This is your show, Scott. You are my dog. You are my best friend. You're my dog. You're my dog. Okay. I'm going to ask a question because my boy Scott said I could. Okay. Do you have a house? Do I have a house? No. See, I have lots of money, so I just stay in hostels, and I'm always traveling. Because I was saying, how do you get back to places? Yeah, I just fall upward, back out of the hole, and back into reality. So you float or fly? I float.

Oh no, I fall upward. I think I explained it pretty clearly. So what do you do? You like jump into the air sort of? But it's like in reverse. And so I'm going upward instead of down. Oh, okay. So it's literally just like reversing a videotape or something. Yeah, you know how they say like Australia's down under? Yeah. This is like up under. Oh, I guess so. Because Australia's at the bottom of the world, you can just jump up. Yeah, it's in reverse. Oh.

Wow, interesting. So yeah, I come back into the hall and I realize, oh, I'm where I last was on my trivels. Can I ask him a question, Rudy? Dude. Is this going to be a whole thing where you're checking with one another before asking questions? So you ask your guests if you can host? He's not my guest. He's my best friend. This is a host, though. This is very... Scott, this is a professional situation. Scott, to avoid this whole thing, ask away, my man. All right, you ask away, too, all right? We don't. Yeah, we're good. Do you fall... Do you trip...

and holes happen to be there? Or do you step into the holes and that's why you fall? Yeah, that's a good question. Thank you. I guess it's like... So you're not sure? I don't know. It's like... This is something that happens to you literally all the time. Right. But here's the thing. Okay, if you're talking to Michael Jordan, right? Yeah. The Kiwi version, Stan Cran. Stan Cran? Yeah, the best basketball player in the world. New Zealand basketball? Right. Yeah.

So if you're talking to him, right, and you say, oh, Stan, like, how does your jump shot work? He's not going to say, oh, first my elbow comes up, and then I release the ball, and then I follow through, right? It's just a process. I think I couldn't say that. Yeah, I feel like he might say that. I believe, actually, he would watch tape and sort of critique his own form and then adjust. He could even just remember, this is what I do. It's almost as if that example didn't make any sense at all. Yeah.

I can describe how I do anything. Oh, really? Ask him. Ask him anything he does. Okay, Dirk. How do you eat breakfast? Well, that's really more of a process. That's not true. So you're not sure about that? I mean, come on. Wait, it has to be like one motion? Okay, I lift my arm. I get a spoon. I lift it with my fingers. You lift your arm first and then get a spoon. I lift my arm towards the drawer. I open the drawer with my grip. I get a spoon. Okay.

I open the cabinet with my other grip. Can you talk about your grip? It's a little bit of my fingers tightening around a rod. Right, it's not like a kung fu grip where it's just iron clad or anything. I open the cabinet, I get my cereal, which is, well, I don't want to say. You can say. The sores will sell out if you say it on the show. Frosted flurries. Frosted flurries.

It's all just the sugar. Yeah. Right. It's a cereal that I make. It's just sugar in a box. You make cereal? I make my own cereal. As a hobby or? As a passion, yeah. As a passion. I scrape off the sugar from Frosted Flakes and just put it in a bag. And then I buy that. You buy it? For how much? I sell it on my lawn every Saturday. It does a lot of work. I do a lot of work. I do 20 pretzels for that. That's right. For one bag? Yeah. So wait a minute. Is this because of your cocaine dealing days? You just like to have baggies of white stuff? It's true. Okay. I.

I also have a baby powder business. Oh, okay. I put the food in my mouth in a tube. Yeah. I still want to know about the whole thing. Okay, so you're suggesting that I'll just carry a videotape around at all times and just eat it all my life? Not a videotape, maybe a camera. Oh, that's better. Chicken to the egg, huh? No, I think the camera would actually record you doing it. Which came first?

Let me ask you, can I ask you a question? No, the place? Did you ever see the movie Holes? And if so, did you fall down while you watched it? Louis Secker? Louis Secker? I know Shia LaBeouf was in it. Yeah, but the guy who wrote the original novel? Louis Secker? Louis Secker. Secker? Have you read the book? Secker? Secker? Is that yes or no? Secker! Secker!

Yeah, I've read the book. It's pretty good. Yeah, it's a good one. Yeah. Gypsy Kiss, mate. Book, huh? We have no idea what you're saying anymore. A gypsy kiss? A gypsy kiss? I gotta read that.

I didn't know. A gypsy kisses in it? Gypsy curse. Oh, curse. Oh, a lot like your husband's book. A gypsy kisses. Thinner. Thinner. That's nice. Thinner. Yeah, a gypsy curse in that. I never realized those two books have that in common. Oh, but it's a big Christian. Coxy put a curse on me and I got thinner. Wait, Stephen King put a curse on you? Was thinner like autobiographical? Yes, it was. Oh my gosh. I wrote it.

You wrote Thinner? It's autobiographical. Wait, are you Richard Bachman? Christine is also autobiographical. Really? It's a biography of a car. Written by the car. What about Kudrow? Is it real? Kudrow? Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow is a novel. Which she got rabies? Written by Stephen King.

He had to change it a little bit when it finally was published. Well, because the comeback. Pretty exciting. Wow. Don't call it the comeback. Don't call it the comeback. Call it her next show. Kiwi, answer the question, man. Did you fall down when you were watching Holes? That was the beat of a movie, though, huh?

It was a bit of a- You're dodging this question! Yeah, I fell in the holes in holes! Is that what you fucking want from me? Here's the thing, I'm a casual guy! I'm chill, but you guys are pushing me! Talking about my processes that I don't think about! I'm just who I am, alright?

All right, I'm sorry. I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon, Kiwi. I mean, I know you're just like a casual guy who falls in holes. It doesn't really mean that much to him. You hung out with Merlin and Lancelot and Guinevere. I did. Sorry. And you have barely anything to say about it other than the trapezoidal table. Yeah. It was fun. I just had a bit of a freak out, not unlike Stan Crand in the 1995 game where he scored seven points. Wait, that's...

He was freaking out because it was low or high? It was very high. He's the best basketball player New Zealand's ever had. Okay. How did he get seven? Did you do a three-pointer or was it a free shot? It was a free shot, yeah. He got a seven-pointer. He got one seven-pointer? Yeah. Kiwi basketball seems very different. It's very nice. But yeah, big tip. I said different, you said nice. Right.

Kimmelot's fun though I've got more to say about it but maybe if you need to no no go ahead you know can you name other knights of the tripzoid table I know there was an owl bit of an owl yeah there was an owl Bubo the robot owl right oh yeah I met him he was cool yeah do you know Lancelot bit of a dick

Oh, I bet. Not a nice guy. Yeah, he's a knight. He's sort of a jock type. Yeah, but he's kissing Guinevere on the low. Cursing? Yeah, was he cursing Guinevere? No, no, no. Kissing. When you say on the low, do you mean below the waist or do you... He was eating her pussy? He was eating her pussy, but like quietly and secretly. So that makes him a dick?

Because she's married to all of them. Hey, man, you got to get down with female pleasure, my man. It's not that. That shit is tight. Are we speaking of marriage? I'm like Tony Soprano. I don't do that. Okay. All right. I get you. I get you. I'm taking notes. Writing that down. Wait, you're writing that down? I'm definitely writing that down. Goodbye.

It's a very sexual, personal thing to share. Exactly. I'm going to report it to corporate. From friend to friend, a good podcast host should eat pussy, Scott. You know what? Because you tell me that, I'm going to start. So anyone who wants it here, his grandchildren. Hold on. I'm a married woman. I'm merely offering it. It's not what you think. It's available to any guest who wants it. That's all I'm saying.

All I'm saying is... Yes? She's got a lot of hair down there. Miss Grandchildren? I'm very natural. Oh, really? Too natural. I don't know that anyone can be too natural. You wouldn't be able to find what you're looking for. Well, from my rib cage... The opposite of you, too.

Or no, I guess it's exactly what you two went through. You play that song while you go down on Earth. It's a one-to-one. Not to be forward, but I've been in a lot of dense jungles and still found what I'm looking for. But you're always looking to fall in holes. Well, yeah. I'm not looking to fall in holes. It just happens. So if you ever looked to fall in a hole, would you not be able to fall in a hole? No.

Chicken and egg? Do you have to sort of like... What do we mean when we say that? When we say chicken and the egg, is this a TED Talk? What do I mean? What do I mean? What's the first time you ever heard this? Whoa, a spotlight. What do we mean when we say that? Dirk, we don't have time to listen to your TED Talk audition. Hold on, it's only one minute. 60 seconds on the clock. And then I'm the person in the audience. Speak up, we can't hear you. This isn't a Q&A.

This is part of it. This is part of it. Well, this is going to go viral. So the chicken. What's he doing? 55 seconds left. Hold on. The chicken's a woman. And that's the end of the reel. I'm worried about my parking. 50 seconds left. I'll validate. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Okay, we're out of time. What are you doing? We're out of time. I should talk about it. Oh, too bad. Too bad we're out of time. Very exciting. What should I talk about, ma'am? I can't hear you. I'm sorry.

I guess I didn't get the part. Look, Kiwi, anything else? This is so chaotic. Anything else you want to say about medieval? Yeah, I guess it's like jousting. It's not as fun as you think it is. Justin? Jousting. Oh, jousting. Yeah. It's not as fun as I think it is. You guys have a lot of trouble understanding my accent, huh? Yeah, well, it seems it's either our fault or your fault. I can't tell. Couldn't be mine. Couldn't be at all.

Jousting is fun, but you know it is fun. But not as fun as you think. Jousting is fun, but you know it is fun. There we go. Do you know? Oh.

Jousting? I feel like you gave me the answer. Jousting is fun, but you know what? It is fun. Also jousting. It would be bad to be on the receiving end of a joust when you get hit with the thing. I'm really good at sword fighting though, I found out. Even though I'm a casual guy, I've got a bit of facility with a sword. Oh, really? So there's an instructor who sometimes comes through here. Oh? A fencing instructor. Fencing instructor.

I use brottslots. Oh, okay. Well, I would imagine that there's... Thick old brottslots. Some of the techniques I think would translate, but I wonder if he'll ever come by here ever again. I don't know. I haven't seen him in so long. Well, he had that open-door policy. I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. Well, if anyone could come in here. So did you...

Did you win a battle? Yeah, I won the whole tournament. And they were like, stay, stay, be our new king. And I was like, oh, no. Be the new king? Yeah. What did Arthur have to say about that? Well, I beat him. He was like, yeah, you're my new king. And I was like, oh, hell, I'm getting sucked back up into reality. Did he bend the knee? He bended the knee. Oh, my gosh. So when you say get- Squirted down to the ground and bended the knee? You were like reverse falling. Uh-huh. I was like, oh, I just won. But then I was getting sucked up back into the reverse hold. Oh, my gosh. It's like the toilet but in reverse. That's so unfortunate. Did you want to stay?

I would be nice, but, you know, reality's cool. I could be more casual up here, stay back in my hostel. Yeah, you would have had to wear a crown like these guys. Oh, yeah, no, that's not me. You lived the exact plot of the movie Black Knight. Black Knight, Martin Lawrence. Oh, yeah, I've seen it. He falls in a moat outside of a castle. He does. And he just wakes up in medieval times. They're fascinated by how black he is. And then he comes back. That's it. All things considered, they were not that racist. They were pretty tight. Do you know what I mean? And there was a black princess. That's crazy. Hey, you want to talk more about his movie?

I would love to, yeah. Hey, man, Black Knight is tight. How come we didn't watch Black Knight in the last three years if you love it so much? They don't have DVDs in the Speed Force. I'm so sorry that we don't have that in common, but apparently you and Kiwi, you know so much about Black Knight. Every time I get another friend, it's like you get threatened by it. Well, this happened to us in Speed Force Valentine's Day, too. That was a whole other... Scott, we can't talk about that right now. Okay, fine. Look, I'm a little annoyed with Rudy right now. They made a sequel to Speed Force Valentine's Day? What?

Yeah, Speed Force Valentine's Day 2. Me and Scott were watching it in the Speed Force, and we got to a big old fight, and we don't have time to get into that right now. All right, yeah, we don't have time. We do have to go to a break. Look, we're going to come right back. We have more surprises. I don't know who's going to be here. We'll have more Dirk Thirsty, more Emily Grandchildren, more my sort of estranged best friend Rudy North and Kiwi Chris. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Dirk Thirsty and Emily Grandchildren from Corporate have been making copious notes during the break. Also, Rudy and I, we made up. Yeah, we did. You seem a little downtrodden about it. I feel like we might need to go back to the Speed Force if this friendship is going to work. I could use another few years with you just to really solidify this. Do you guys mind if we go back to the Speed Force? Is that okay? I mean, we'll just be gone a millisecond. Is

Is that okay? I mean... This seems very unprofessional. We already went. We're back. Yeah, we're back. Sorry. We just went to the Speed Force. I didn't want to wait for your answer, so I just made it happen. That was a long one. Yeah. What was that? 18 years? Yeah, that was 18. It was, yeah, at least 18. Oh, my gosh. You're the godfather to my son. My Speed Force son. Congratulations, by the way. And, um...

This bond will never break. So welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. It's a shame that your Speed Force son has to stay in the Speed Force while you're here, bud. His Speed Force mama got Speed Force custody. And I'm so sorry that you guys broke up. What's your Speed Force son's name? Speed Force Frank. Okay. Putting that down. I'm writing that down. I won't be talking about that. Taking a lot of notes. And what is Speed Force Frank's mother's name? Oh, her name?

It's too long to pronounce. Yeah, I mean, it takes just a couple of seconds in the Speed Force, but here it would... We'll give you extra time to pronounce it. Yes, go ahead, now. We can make that decision. It would take six months to say the whole thing. Well, say the first second of it. I'm going to take you to the Speed Force and say it. Ready? All right, we'll be back.

How long have you guys gone? I don't feel good. I feel completely changed forever by my experience. My heart feels hard. Rudy, you went to the Speed Force without me? Yeah, I did have to just tell him the name. It was like six or seven minutes, so it's fine. It was only six or seven minutes. Hold on a second. I think Dirk is having a heart issue. My heart feels like a rock. Oh. That's normal.

Wait, you just farted. Nermon. Okay, you're fine? We good, we good. All right. Also, Kiwi Chris is here. Yeah, I'm like Dora the Explorer, but casual. That's a good description of you. We need to get to our next guest. Uh,

Oh, this is interesting. I don't have any information about them other than their name. But please welcome to the show Entree P. Neuer. How you doing? Hi, Entree. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Call me by my full name, please. Entree P. Neuer? Yes. My mother didn't name me Entree P. Neuer for nothing.

Okay, I beg your pardon. I guess it's a custom in human beings to only call someone by half their name? Well, I'm not like other human beings. I'm an entrepeneur. This must have come up so many times in your life. I'm not sure why you're so upset about it right now. Because I'm hot, all right? I'm hot. You're coming in hot here. I'm coming in hot. It's hot outside. I'm hot inside. Okay, it's so nice to meet you. I'm Scott. I'm the host of the show. Good to meet you. We've never met before. Scott Lester.

Last name at a little initial? I beg your pardon. Scott David Aukerman. Scott David Aukerman. Good to meet you. Okay. This is Kiwi Chris. I believe that's his full name. Oh, yeah. Good to meet you. And Rudy North. Of course, I know that's his full name. Great. It's Rudimentary North. Rudimentary. I can't believe you forgot that, Scott. It's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry, but it was 18 years ago. You just reminded me. That never came up in the last 18 years. Sorry. Entree, how you doing? Excuse me?

Who are you talking to? Andre P. Noor. I'm good. I'm good. And who are these two? This is Dirk Thirsty. I'm Dirk Thirsty. And Emily Grandchildren. They're from corporate. They work for RC Cola. We're here to monitor the show, and we're going to report back on what we hear. You work for corporate, you say? Yeah. Okay, are you looking to invest in some businesses? Ooh!

Oh, sorry. They just sneezed. We sneezed. Sounded like a leaf blower for a second. Sorry. Please ask your question again. Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses? Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses? Yes. We are interested in looking to purchase some businesses. So what would the first step be?

Well, we're going to think about looking. We think about looking. We're interested in that. Have you thought past that? No, not yet. We're at the beginning stage. There are a lot of places to look, so you have to get all your ducks in a row. I have a great business I would love for you to consider thinking about investing in. It is a platform for people to interact with one and another.

Like on the internet? A social media platform, do you mean? You've never seen nothing like it before. It is, you can put photographs, captions as well. Put photographs where? Sounds like Instagram. Instagram.

Or a scrapbook. Does Instagram include captions? I've heard that a few times. It sounds like it. But these are old photos. So old, they're not eligible for Instagram's Throwback Thursday. Oh. They get so old. I forget what the cutoff point is. What is the cutoff year for Throwback Thursday? If your photo is older than 40 years, you can't put it up there for Throwback Thursday. It gets deleted. That's in the terms of service. I forgot. I can't get my baby picture to stay. Nick.

Never seen a TBT from civil rights era, huh? Yes. Whatever he just said, sure. Are you interested in looking to invest in this? We're interested in thinking about looking. Yes, exactly. I can't tell. Is it on the internet? Is it a social media platform or is it a literal platform? You go on. I don't know the answer to your question, Scott David Ackerman, but you go on to the web.

Are we talking about a spider web or are we talking about the actual world? Get on a spider web. Will it be any spider web or is it a specific one? Well, now you're putting words into my mouth. You can have whatever. Please put words into your mouth. It helps us make sense of this. Words come out of my mouth. They don't go back in. I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. Your mouth is exit only? Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? I can't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.

Rudy, what movie is that from? What movie is that? That's obviously a movie reference. No.

You saw another movie without me? Okay, I saw Rush Hour. Right? Is that it? Rush Hour? Rush Hour 2. Rush Hour 2. I have an idea for a movie as well. You do? Yes. We're moving on from this platform? Well, y'all don't seem to understand. No, we want to. You were describing something that already existed, Andre. Oh, no. You telling me that there's a platform where you could put photos that are older than 40 years old? Multiple. Name one. Facebook. Facebook.

He's going down. Okay, okay. Do you know something that we know? Oh, okay. Mark Zuckerberg is going down with the government. Please use his full name. Mark Anthony Zuckerberg. By the way, what does the P stand for in your name, and why aren't you insisting I use that? It is just P. Oh, it's P-E-E? It's a Homer J situation. Like that famous tape? It's P...

E-E, capital E. The last one is a capital E. So it's bookended by some capitals. The P-Tape. I love that film. So you're...

You're pitching. So you're saying Facebook's going down, so you're pitching a replacement to that. No, it's not a replacement. What I do is original. Say that again? Original. So people will not do the same things they did on Facebook. They will do totally separate things. Yes. This will not be a substitute for Facebook. Yes, people will talk to their parents. People will accept friend requests from their grandparents. Can I ask you a question, Entree P. Neuer? Yes. Have you ever been on Facebook? No.

I've seen it from a distance. How far of a distance? Like a football field? At a coffee shop over a young man who I spoke to him. He said he was a writer, but he spent the whole time on Facebook. Oh, that's pretty common here in Los Angeles. One of the features of your website is I can accept a friend request from my grandparents. Yes.

Precisely. And you put that in a pitch. Precisely. That's the second thing in your pitch. If you're not... You're front-loading your pitch with this. If you're not looking to invest in my product, I have other products. Tell us your idea for the movie. A black and an Asian man.

A black period and an Asian man. So first sentence, a black. A black period. That's subject, predicate, verb, all of it. Okay? Yes. And an Asian man. They're police.

Okay. Okay? And they're going to- Can I ask, does someone not understand words that are coming out of someone's mouth? Sure. Sure. And is it a sequel? No, it's called Hush Hour. Okay. Because the other person- Now hold on. Have you seen A Quieter Place? I've seen A Quiet Place. I don't know what that is, but A Quieter Place is a movie about a family, and they are in, I feel like I'm in church.

Yes Lord use me God, okay

The pitch for A Quieter Place. A family in a sound studio. The father is trying to record a mixer tape. A mixer tape? He wants to record his mixer. This actually genuinely sounds like a cool original idea. I like this. Thank you. Wait, why am I talking like this now? See, it rubs off on you, don't it? Sorry. That's pretty cuckly, eh? My time is of... I'm Irish. Your time is of the essence. Of the ebony. That's my magazine.

That's my magazine of choice. Can we make a quick bit of a question about, yeah, Russia, Iowa? Sure. Hush hour. Hush hour. Can the Chinese guy touch the black guy's radio or no? Wait, he, she. The Chinese man don't have no hands in this one. Oh. So, in fact, he can't. Why is he Chinese? Why did you assume he's Chinese? I'm from New Zealand. It's the only Asian folks we have there. Okay, she just said Asian.

I did just say Asian, but I appreciate your help, Australian. Kiwi, big difference. See, but that's exactly what you just did with Chinese and Asian. I was trying to make a point, do you see? Oh, very good, Entree P. Neuer. Thank you very much. Point received. Well, if y'all, does anyone have... Point just like Dirk's beard here.

Point received. The end of it, I mean. What did you just put in your coat? My beard. Yeah. As you can see, Dirk's rainbow-colored beard comes to a point at the end of it. Oh, I see. As you can see. Does anyone have any interest

interest in considering these businesses for funding. Let's move on to a different business because I'm not sure about the other. Well, I have interest in considering that. We're looking to be interested in considering this. We are looking. Looking, looking, looking. Look, look, look, look, look, look. Stop drinking. I have a chicken. I might be interested in a more original idea. Sure. Because a lot of these ideas sound fun, but they're a little defined. They're a little, yeah. I didn't want to do this on this podcast, but... All right.

I didn't want to out this idea because I don't have the patent just yet. It is pending. It's pending. Okay, well, that's good, though, that it's pending because no one can swoop in there. I've never heard of something patent pending that someone was like, got in there, you know, a little earlier. Well, this one is, this is going to be my claim to fame. Oh, okay. I can't wait. Great. A rectangular shaped object with four...

Four to five seats inside of it. A wheel in front of one seat. A wheel in front of one seat. Look, you're describing a car right now. Hold on, hold on. You're poorly describing a car. Wait, what does it do? What does it do? What is it about? What is this about? The person, somebody will sit in the car. Oh, shit. Everyone, everyone.

You just said car. You pitched a car. You know what a car is. You're just copying ideas. No, the devil done got inside me. You said car.

You said car and you planted a seed of doubt in my mind. I beg your pardon. I'm sorry. I don't mean to get in your head. I'm sick to my stomach. Until you said car, I genuinely thought you were describing a table but with like a spinning wheel on one end. No, tables are trapezoids. I thought it was one of those theme park rides that's in the water where there's a big wheel and you sit around. You spin it. Yes, and you spin it. Well, this is the problem with pitching your ideas is that people

have already tried to determine what it is you're pitching before letting you get to the end. You thought it was a car. You thought it was a tabler. You thought it was an amusement parker rider. It's true, but as the immortal bard once said, there's nothing new under the sun. Maybe every idea... The Bible says that as well.

Oh, really? In Ecclesiastes. Did Shakespeare rip off the Bible? Yes, he did. Everybody's ripping off the Bible every chance they get. Chicken or the egg, huh? What came first, Jesus or the Bible? Yeah, exactly. Ask yourself that. That's true.

That being said. I think Jesus. Okay, well, that's up to you. Clear to me the devil is using you, sir. Sir, can I say, I've got a lot of gold from my travels and I'm looking to invest. Yeah, he's very rich. He's so rich he stays at hostels. I stay at hostels. I don't have a home. Okay. I live in hostels. Okay. So I've got this big of gold right here, right? It's a bit like doubloons. And you've taken this from ancient civilizations. Yeah, this is from my time in Babylon. Right, yeah. Babylon. Okay. You ever read about Babylon?

on in the Bible, look.

Well, you know, no, no. Yeah. You haven't read the Bible? I haven't read it because I went back to when it was being written and I was like, let me get in here. You just saw it for yourself. Okay. Okay. So what are you presenting supposedly to me? Well, I'm saying that I just want to double my money so I can continue to live in hostels. So here's a bag of gold. What would you do with it? Yeah. What's his return on, you know, can he get two bags of gold for whatever idea you have? Well, the people that I invest in.

Mm. Mm.

that I will... I mean, Kiwi takes a lot of... Yes, use me, God. Kiwi Chris takes a lot of leaps. Backwards and forwards. I'll trip and fall into a leap of faith. Okay, well, here's the thing. You can't ask me, ask not what I can do for you, just ask me what I can do with your money. Right, that's what I'm asking you. What can you do with my money? It seems like you're stalling, Entree P. Neuer. I have ideas for days. Be ye not mistook.

I have ideas for dates. You seem like a very religious person, are you? No, I'm not into religion. Yeah.

Not my cup of tea. Not your thing. You're agnostic? In fact, I'm atheist. Oh, wow. Okay. You definitively know. The Lord does use this atheist a lot. I know for a fact. That being said- But you believe in the devil. I do. The devil is active. The devil is active. What a shame that we just got the one and we didn't get the other. We just got the devil. Pure evil. We didn't get God. Pure evil. That's it. Let me tell you. Yeah. I'll-

Look, this is what I do with your money, Kiwi Christopher. I will... It's not my name, but okay. It's Kiwi-stifer Chris. Right. That's my full name. Kiwi... Kiwi-stifer. Kiwi-stifer. So y'all are telling me some of these things exist already. For instance, a car. Yes. Yes. Heavily established at this point. Everything you've pitched exists. Fantastic.

In these times, these dark times, the end times, do we... Before what happens? Before Satan comes back. Okay, okay. But there's no religion, nothing happens after that? Nothing. Also, where is he right now? Oh, he is in San Antonio, Texas. Oh, just comes back to LA? Satan is a big fan of tacos, let me tell you.

I had a taco with him. Anyway, that's neither here nor is it there. We don't have time to get into that, much like Rudy's backstory. I want to get this gold. What I want, you're saying cars already exist. You say it, I'll take your word for it. Okay, thank you. If that is the case, that a car is already a thing, I would like to create a place where one can go to fuel said thing. So there's an establishment. It's kind of like a rectangle. Okay.

Could it be a trip? Do you start with the rectangle usually with all your ideas? Life is a bunch of rectangles. Look around in this studio. I count several rectangles in here. Your body is a rectangle. Your body is a rectangle.

I love that. Lose my hair. Hey, Scott, can I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, Rudy, you got to say, yeah. What's up, buddy? Hey, Scott. What's going on? There's this big old bag of gold in the room. Yeah, I know. And my dirtbag senses are going off. Please don't punch anyone in the throat. Throat punch. I want to throat punch all these people. Throat punch. I want to...

I want to take... I want to throw a punch at everyone in the room, and I want to take the gold, Scott. No, you don't have to throw a punch at anyone. I'm a dirtbag, Scott. I know you are, but you could just move really fast. You have the powers of the flash. You could just steal it without throw a punching at anyone. Kiwi Christopher. Might I take a moment with you in the corner? Kiwi Christopher. Can I take a moment with you in the corner here? Sure, yeah. They planning to steal your gold. What? They planning to steal your gold. But why? Why don't you just...

People are evil. The devil is acting. Look, why don't you just give it to me? I will keep it for you. Keywistifer! She's trying to get you to invest in a gas station. It already exists. No, listen to me. Hear me out. I didn't want to tell them this. I've never invented anything in my life. We figured it out! We knew! We knew! What? I don't want them to know. Why did you take all of our mics? Right.

Give me my mic! Give me the shit back. Give me my mic. Take it, my bike. I just wanted to check it for the technology inside of Hensworth 4.2. So you can steal this idea? You can't invent microphones? Yeah. Well, things are getting out of control here. I'm taking notes on this. You know, I'm a little worried about your show. This isn't looking good, Scott. Well, look, guys. I started to do your accent. Guys, look.

Look, Rudy, don't throw a punch at anyone. Don't steal any gold. We have one guest to get to. I really need to win over corporate, okay? I think this guest is – I mean, I just want to have a nice, pleasant talk show here. We've been doing this show for nine years. It seems like I've never done just a normal episode other than maybe the Seth Rogen episode and that Marc Maron episode. But, you know, I just want to have a nice –

I'm going to get out of your way. I want everyone in this room to get out of Scott's way. Be supportive. Be supportive. This next interview is going to be a textbook comedy thing. I just want to have a nice, pleasant, light conversation. Okay, let's get to our next guest. Engineer Brett's handing me our next guest. Oh, no. What is it?

Our next guest... Who is it, James Corden? Who is it, Jim Kimmel? It's not that bad. Is it Jim Kimmel? Is it James Fallon, James Kimmel, or James Corden? No, it's... This person recently died. Craig Ferguson? No, Craig Ferguson's still with us. James Ferguson?

Guys, what did I just say about the interview? Please welcome back to the show Charlie Manson. Oh, no. Serial killer Charlie Manson. It is the famous. It is. Oh, no. Hello, Scott. There's a fucking ghost in here, man. Yes, I'm a ghost. Why are you so surprised by things like this? It's a ghost. Yeah, I have to say.

It really hurts my feelings to float into a room and have everybody say, oh, no. Well, Charlie Manson, I mean, you were only on the show one time. Yeah. And it was very quickly after you had died. Yeah, I died basically immediately. Almost as if we had recorded it before you died and then had to release it.

After I died. Right. So there was a lot of confusion there. But now you have died. You are a ghost. I am definitively a ghost now. Right. Yeah. Okay. And what are you doing here? Oh, well, you know, last time I was here, I was going through my bucket list because I was about to die. Yeah. You had set up your mop. You had carved a swastika into a mop.

in order to trick the guards. Pulled the covers up to my forehead. Everybody said, that's old Charlie Manson. Classic switcheroo? It was a classic switcheroo. No throat punches, but a classic switcheroo nonetheless. And I don't punch. Excuse me. Sorry, go ahead. Um...

And boy, I thought once I turned into a ghost, I would be home free. But I have so many obligations. I've got so much unfinished business. What did I tell you? The devil is acting. Yeah. Are you trapped on this earth until you complete some of your business? You bet I am. I have to walk around this earth until I finish my business. And one of my...

Big Points of Business was going on a podcast for the second time. To clear up all of the confusion. Yeah, I've been on a couple podcasts once, but I've never been asked back. Okay. I did a Doughboys. Oh, you did? Yeah. It was Arby's, I think. It was Arby's? It was Arby's.

Yeah, I had never been to an Arby's. I think I heard you on This American Life. Yeah, I told a story. It sounds like you've been on a lot of podcasts. I heard you on Savage Love talking about your relationship issues. Yeah. You should have been on Serial, the original podcast. Yeah, I tried and they wouldn't let me. Is that why you killed all those people to get on Serial before it was around? I thought it would really be helpful. I was like, oh, I know one day there's a baby called Sarah Koenig.

And one day she's going to be a Cracker Jack crime reporter. Wow. Charlie, Charlie, I feel like I have to jump in here. To be fair to Charlie, he never killed anyone. That's true, I guess. Let's all stop throwing around accusations. But they found him culpable and they locked him away. That's different though, isn't it? In the eyes of the law? What do you mean? In the eyes of the law.

In whose eyes are you talking about? Never actually killed anyone. I think that deserves saying. Why are you an apologist for Charlie Manson? I don't know. Well, I mean, when Charlie died— I mean, you are someone who saw their parents murdered right in front of them. Exactly. And so I know the difference when someone is killing someone and when they're not. And so there are a lot of people standing around when my parents were murdered. I can't—I'd love to say that they killed—

Wait, but did they give the orders? Yes, but that's not the same thing. Those people are responsible. Listen, I remember when Charlie died, there were a lot of people on Twitter, and I was so glad to see this. Very quick to say, Charles Manson never actually killed anyone. And I thought it was great they were making that. I love Twitter. What's your handle? EmilyGrandchildren1. Okay, well, make sure to look you up. So...

It seems like you would have way more important things to do, Charlie. I mean, you know, there's Roman Polanski. There's the, you know, the... What about him? I don't know. Didn't he have something to do with all this? I finished. That's all business. I finished. I've done... You seem to have a very poor grasp on...

You just, just, where's Roman Polanski? Look, I never read Helter Skelter because I had a roommate who, who kept it in a trunk in his closet and with a lot of other Charles Manson memorabilia. Why did they make it that that was the only way we could find out about that story? They, they just, they confined it to that look. Look, I didn't look up the Wikipedia.

Wikipedia. Wikipedia. Wikipedia is irresponsible. I wouldn't recommend it. So you came back here to be on the show. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. Well, thank you. You're the only one who would let me back.

And I, but I can't stay long. I'm very busy. I gotta do so many other things. Okay, well, bye. By the way, the only reason you were able to get in here, I didn't have you back. It's this open door policy that you guys were talking about. she didn't really come in, I mean, he didn't really come in through the door. I mean, I came in through the door. Yeah, but, but,

Manson just sort of phased through it. Yeah, if we close this door for the 10th year and beyond, I mean, how is this going to affect ghosts and then also people like Rudy who can phase through things? I got the powers of the flesh. You should have, I mean, you would have all ghosts, which I think would be a terrific lineup. Better

than usual. Then you wouldn't have me here. You wouldn't have me. Yeah, you're very much alive. Oh, no, no, no. And I don't do ghosts. You don't think you're going to turn into a ghost when you die? Oh, no, honey. Are you afraid right now? Shooketh. Call me. Well, not

Not everybody gets to turn into a ghost when you die. I don't know if any of you know this because none of you are dead. Well, Entree P. Neuer thinks that nothing happens after we die other than turning into a ghost if you're a certain type of person. Yeah, and I can't die. Well, what happens is you go to heaven and you get a choice. You can be a ghost, a skeleton, or a lizard. Ha! Ha!

So wait, you can... Skeletid or lizard? Lizard. All different, all scary. Lizard. Lizard, big old lizard? Well, a small one, not a big one. I'm not talking iguana. I'm not talking monitor lizard. No, the little ones... You're talking about a gecko. I'm not even a gecko. I'm a dry desert lizard. But you went to heaven? Yeah. It's a misnomer. Everybody goes. Oh, okay.

Yeah, everybody goes, but not everybody stays. Charles, I have a question. Oh, sure, yeah. Emily Grandchildren RC Cola. Emily Grandchildren won on Twitter. So I hate when people take the Emily Grandchildren zero. Give them a follow. Are you team follow back? I'm team follow back. Okay, great.

When you say one of the choices is skeleton. Sure. Is it an animated skeleton that walks around or is it just a skeleton lying there? Do you mean the skeleton that goes into the earth? No, a Halloween skeleton. Oh. Spooky. Decoration. Like something a teacher puts up on a bulletin board. Yeah, which could be fun if you get put in a good play.

Can you dance now with your skeleton? Can you be a spooky dancer? Jigs or like doing the kick lines with other skeletons? Yeah, kin-kin. Well, only if someone holds you up and makes you dance. Or if you're lucky enough to be battery operated. Can someone take your...

Can someone take your bones and then pound on your skull almost like, you know, and it sounds like a xylophone? Unfortunately, people can do whatever they please, Scott. Someone can do any kind of Little Mermaid song on you. So now you can see why I opted.

not to be a skeleton. Yeah, because you no longer have agency over your own body. No, you don't. But you're sentient. You're aware that all these things are happening. You can see and feel and hear everything. But you cannot communicate, though. No. You can only communicate if, again, you're lucky enough to be battery operated and you can say, woo, or chatter. You know, some skeletons say, keep out. Truth, could I ask? Yeah. Yeah.

Who would choose that option? That seems nice to me. Helen Keller is a skeleton. Helen Keller is a skeleton. Well, she can see now, finally. Can she hear? Skeletons don't have eyes, Scott. But wait, I thought that you said it was pleasant to look at the kid. Is Helter Skelter the book about Helen Keller being a skeleton? Oh my gosh. We finally did it. That's what it's about. That is certainly what it's about.

President Roosevelt is skeleton. Entree P. Neuer, I don't know if this is shaking your very belief system. Well, what did I tell you I was before? You were an atheist. Shooketh. Shooketh, right. Shooketh atheist. You know. Yeah, I had to pick between Shooketh and atheist, and I picked atheist. It was a 50-50 chance, though. You got to give it to me. Sure, sure. I like that you know math. So, uh...

Now that I'm here in the presence of a ghost, I would like to ask a question or two. Please. The floor is yours. When you got to heaven, what did you see, you claim, you saw? It was...

Wonderfully lit. It looked like a... Very bright. It was lit. It looked like a big Ikea in Burbank. It was lit. It was lit. It was lit as hell. Not lit like fun, lit like... It was not fun? It wasn't fun? No, it wasn't fun at all. I'll say the Ikea in Burbank is lit as hell. Ikea in Burbank is fun. She's super lit. Good time there. It's so fun to be there. Well, yeah, I'm...

I'm, you know, if I, if what Charles says is true. Okay. Let's take him at his word, though, because he's a killer. Well, that is true. I'm a delegator. I'm not a killer. I'm a terrific manager. Well, Charles. He's like a project manager. Yes. Yeah. Creative director, perhaps. Creative director, you say. Have you ever started a business? Yeah.

It's one of my elements of unfinished businesses. I never started a business. Oh, well, this is perfect. Do you have money? I have ghost money, which is all bats. Ghost money? What's the exchange rate with Speed Force money and ghost money? I don't know.

And what's the exchange rate with pretzels as well? How many pretzels is it? One bat is ten pretzels. Ten pretzels. That's a good price. Okay. Yeah, this is not bad. Have y'all ever seen that comedy special where the man says, these pretzels are making me thirst?

Actually... I believe we talked about it. It's funny you should mention it. It is funny because, actually, Emily's husband loves to do that. It's true. My husband, Stephen King. He doesn't have to say that. He wishes he was funny. He wishes he was Seinfeld. Oh, who? Stephen King wishes he was funny. Sure. Sure. It's definitely canon. Sure. Well... It's on the Wikipedia.

I have an idea. Wikipedia. Oh, you got an idea? Wikipedia. I do have an idea and I think it looks like y'all are fans of pretzels around here. That seemed to have gotten you. Oh, definitely. Been mentioned many times. Okay. I

I think we should maybe consider, if anyone has the money for such an idea, pretzels with a substance of peanut butter inside of the pretzel. Okay. Like peanut butter pretzels. What? Yeah. Like peanut butter pretzels.

You're not even describing a high, like it's not even a cool good business. I think it sounds like a terrific idea. I'll give you $400,000 back. Your money is useless to me. $400,000.

10 times that in pretzels. Yeah, that is 4 million pretzels. You can use those pretzels to start your pretzel company. And if you have a contract like mine, that's $4 million. What? Okay. I'm asking how many people you can make thirsty with that many pretzels. Then maybe I'll create a clear substance.

that people can drink. Like a clear, oh, peanut butter, I was going to say. Because I'm interested in a clear peanut butter. Like a gel. So it's not all over your face? Yeah, so it looks like the gel that you, you know, when you're getting like an ultrasound. Scott, it already exists. It's ghost peanut butter. Ghost peanut butter. All I can get is, I can't tell you how much I just want brown peanut butter. Every day I'm just chowing down on clear peanut butter. I want to chow down on brown. I hate when it's tan.

I just want a good spoonful of brown PB. God damn it. You want to go to Brown Town and chow down. See, these are the only people. There's two business people. Don't be.

Be ye not mistook. They talking about eating ass. Shut up, Entree P. Neuer. I'm glad Comedy Bang Bang got back on track for the last interview. They talking about eating ass. Scott David Aukerman. Yes, Entree P. Neuer. You said you have $4 million per episode. Well, no, I'm saying that if you get 4 million bats, if you have my particular contract, which...

is I get paid in dollars instead of pretzels. It was a mistake, apparently. How many dollars? I know it's not couth to ask. Look, we're not bringing it back to how much money I make. How much per episode have you considered possibly thinking about investing in a business? Christopher is the one with all the money. Heck, nobody wants my gold. I can't do nothing. What is it about me? I want your gold. Pfft, pfft, pfft.

Oh, God! Sorry, I throat punched right through Charles Manson. Oh, you punched me in the dick? Oh, that was your dick? Yeah, my dick is throat level. Very tall. Lucky. He is very tall. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. Rudy, you took the gold.

Gold is gone now. You put it into the Speed Force? Yeah, my dirtbag instincts kicked in. Fine, I've got a whole big old room full of it at home. That's Scrooge McDuck. You gotta exchange that for cash. For kish? For cash, because you want to be able to make it rain and thunderstorm. Are you just pitching a gold for cash business now? Kish for gold, gold for kish. What? Gold for cash.

What? No. But I do have one last idea. One last. Okay, one more and we're running out of time. Take me now, Lord. And by Lord, I mean Satan. Okay. You want Satan to take you? If this don't work out, sure. Okay. All right. What's the last idea? Everyone gets a paycheck, correct? Correct.

Sure. If you're employed. Hell yeah. I find gold if you... Sure, count that as your paycheque. I get a check from the government. What? All ghosts get a check from the government. Is that what our tax dollars go? Entitlement programs. Yeah, part of your tax dollars, they're going to Ghostbox. Charles, if you don't mind my asking, how much do you get? This never came up. Well, if I got to convert it from... I get...

2,000 baths, which is $400 a month. That is insane. I mean, for a ghost, that's a lot of money. Yeah. Well, my rat is through the roof. Do you get to buy junk food with it? No, because ghosts have, there's rules about what ghosts can eat. You gotta buy fruit. You gotta buy fruit, clear peanut butter, and you can only eat between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. Oh.

You wouldn't believe the rules imposed on ghosts. Oh, man. It almost makes me want to be a lizard. Well, that's what I'm saying. I thought for sure lizard went to the bottom of the list. I said, no way am I being a lizard. I want my eyes in the front of my head. Helter Skelter isn't at the bottom of the list? Being a skeleton? No. Skeleton, see, I had to learn more about the skeleton deal before I said no, thank you. I was in the office for a good two and a half hours before I made my choice.

Wow. What's the business style? Thank you, Kiwi Chris, whatever the hell your name, for redirecting, because this is it. Everyone gets a paycheck. Everyone gets a paycheck. Everyone gets a paycheck. I don't trust the government. Raise your hand if you don't trust the government. That's every hand raised. Thank you. So, great. We did it silently. Y'all all wear quiet clothing. My hand was already raised. So...

Are you just, is the invention quiet clothing? No, I don't, what is that? Come on. You want people to hear when you approach? Yes. Otherwise, muggers would be. I'm not scared of no mugger. I ain't got no money for a mugger. Well, if you sell this business, you will. Well, hear me out. Okay. Deal. Deal.

Is that a deal? No, I'm not buying your business. Oh, you spoke too soon. God damn it. You just made a deal. You committed yourself. What did I buy? What did I buy? Okay, it's a business. It's a service where you can bring your paychecks and people will give you cash in return. Check cashing place.

What? Check cashing place. A bank. I just invested in a check or a bank. Which is it? Why was your first thought check cashing place and not bank? Because I don't trust banks. And Mr. Scott David, a hawkman, was listening. Hawkman? So it is a check cashing place?

I don't know what that is, Scott, but I can only tell you about the business. It's a place where you get checks cash. I want to talk about the quiet clothes because I have to wear regular clothes from the world and everybody gets frightened because of how loud my clothes are inside my invisible host body. Well, then you need to talk to my brother because I'm not investing in quiet clothes. Talk to my brother. Wait, who's your brother? Appetizer P. Neuer. Appetizer. Appetizer. Appetizer? He has a P middle name as well? Mm-hmm.

I can also use quiet clothes. Because you know when you're sleeping in a hostel with like 10 people, but you've got to get up to take a bathroom break, right? A bathroom break. What is a bathroom? Bathroom? Wait, you don't even know what a bathroom is? Well, what the hell did he say? Bathroom. Bikram yoga. Yeah, yeah. Okay. When you get up from a hospital and... From a hospital? A horse pill? Are you sick? Do you live in hospitals? Are you sick?

Look, I think it's falling apart right now. We're running out of time. So that's how you wrap it up. Okay, I'm taking a note. Okay, look. So it's falling apart right now. We're not wrapped up yet. We just have one final feature on the show. It's a little something called plugs. Plugs.

I like plugs and plugs like me They come at the end of CBB Plugs are my favorite part of the show

And out. Oh, no. And out. No? Oh, okay. Now the chorus. Oh, boy.

Oh, whoa! Hey, tricked us! Now the chorus, and it was out. That is over. Wow, that was right up my alley. That was Plugs Like Me by Scott X. Watkins. Thank you for providing your full name. Entree P. Neuer is probably very happy about that, Scott. I love that he did that, and that was a fantastic tune. Very good. All right, so what

What do we want to plug here, guys? Obviously, it's the last day of April, the beginning of May. What do we want to plug? Well, you know, you do a show and we... Yeah, I'm doing it right now. Yeah, I know. And we've been listening for our job, of course. Yeah, thank you. We also have to listen behind the paywall. Well, yes, we have to listen to other shows behind the paywall and

You're listening to every show that I do? Yes. And we listen to your show, Threedom, and we like it very much. That one is good. Now, that one, so clear. Closed-door policy. There's no one coming in. That's right. Right.

Close Door Policy. That's the show that I do with comedians Paula F. Tompkins and Lorne Lapkus where it's just the three of us. We don't have guests. There are no characters. That's on Stitcher Premium. That's that show. Yes, and I like the show Raised by TV, which is a very funny show about old TV shows, and it's free for everyone. You like old TV shows. You're a 48-year-old man. I like to hear what 32-year-olds like. Yeah.

And one 48-year-old. Yeah, one time. Wow. Okay. So people can check out Threedom by going to StitcherPremium.com slash Threedom and entering the code Threedom for a full month for free of Stitcher Premium. Is that right? Speaking of free. Yes. There's a podcast called Spontaneanation that I've personally been monitoring. Oh, okay. That's completely free every Monday. Could you give me the oral report on that? Hmm.

It's just a good time. Oh, wow. That's the extent of it. Well, Emily usually writes her reports. Oh, okay. She wasn't able to be ready. I'm not good with oral. Okay. Do you know what I mean? She's kidding, of course. Look, Stephen would not be happy with you coming on to me.

So you didn't know what I mean. I guess I didn't. Spontaneanation, Raised by TV, Threedom. These are all good other shows that you can listen to. So please check those out. All right. Let's see. Rudy, what do you want to plug? Well, I want to plug our friendship.

I look, man. I love you. I love you, man. I'm sorry. I know. I mean, you're closer than a brother to me. You're like, you're like my dad. I guess like a spouse, like a spouse, like we married. Yeah. Scott, I do want to plug. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry situation. Yeah. And I've pronounced you Scott and Rudy.

That could be a podcast. I'll pronounce you Scott and Rudy. Scott and Rudy. Hey, why not? Talk to the Stitcher people. Hey, you know those people? Okay, I do want to plug a podcast called Hollywood Handbook. What? No, they were here at the beginning. What?

These two dirtbags do a show. No, it's a lost cause. Hollywood Handbook? Yeah. The pro version? Yeah, it's not. I think it's a good podcast. It's my favorite Earwolf podcast. It's our favorite in the main office. It is, right? Hollywood Handbook. Tuesdays. Everyone at corporate loves Hollywood Handbook. Yes. That show will never be canceled.

Never. All right, all right. So Hollywood Handbook. Nothing else? Nope, that's it. All right. Key Wistifer, what do you want to plug? Yeah, I'd like to also plug a podcast called Womp It Up. Pretty good. Jesus Christ. I like it a lot. Why won't anyone plug my show? Because, I don't know. I mean, three weeks ago when I had a Jon Hamm episode, everyone was plugging it. Which one? Commuter Bing Bing? Yeah, now no one talks about it anymore. I wish those ads had worked. The old news, Scott.

Anything else? Listen to that. You can also watch AP Bio on NBC Thursday nights or it's on Hulu for you. Great. For me, for everybody. For everyone, yeah. Even for King Arthur. I turned him on to it back then. Oh, really? He likes it a lot. Did you bring your smartphones or something? Yeah, I brought my whole TV with me. Oh, your entire TV. You were carrying a TV and it just fell in a hole? I was moving it.

And I tripped and fell into old time England. Did they think it was magic? Oh, well, you know, they got Merlin there, so it's all magic to them. Right. They got Melanin? What? Melanin? Merlin. Merlin is a black guy. Baltimore Merlin. Merlin is a black guy.

Baltimore Merlin. Baltimore Merlin. That is Merlin's full name. Baltimore Merlin. And he's a black guy. We'll get into it next time I'm on. Okay, next time we definitely have to remember that. Entree P. Neuer, what do you want to plug? I would love to plug a podcast. Which one? This African American life. Oh, really? Who's the host of that? Uh...

Ira Cup. Very Blake name. Middle name Two Girls One? Ira Two Girls One Cup. How'd you know? You know him? You know him? No, I just, I've heard of him. Yeah, he's a nice man. Okay. Light-skinned black man, I should say. Oh, okay, yeah, very light.

Very, very likely. He can pass. You might think he's... Exactly. Like a Dorothy Dandridge. Yes, or Rashida Jones. Should we not keep naming names? Let's out them all. Why not? Rachel told us all.

She could pass, right? Sure, sure. I thought she was white for a second. Nope. Black. Through and through. Oh, boy. All right. The Aunt Vivian from season five. Fresh Prince of L.A., man. Charlie Manson, what do you want to blog about? I know I have something. Oh, you got more? You got more? What do you got? You cut me off, Scott David. How dare I? Lena Horne. How dare you? Lena Horne.

Lena Dunham. Charlie, what do you got? I just want to go back onto Doughboy. All right. Let's close up the old blood bag. Let's close it up. What a bag it's time to open in. It's time to open the bag. What a bag it's time to open in.

It's time to open the bag. It's time to open the bag. It's time to open up, open up, time to open up, bag, bag, bag, bag. Open up, bag, bag, bag, bag.

Very nice. Only about eight more months of that. Great. Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. Charlie, good luck to you. Oh, thank you. Is there any sort of afterlife situation where you can get into a lizard body or anything? Or is this what you're stuck with? Only if I commit three good deeds within three minutes. Uh-oh. Too fast.

It's too fast. It's too fast. It's too fast. I can't. You try it, nobody can. It's like that saltine challenge or eating a Tide Pod. If you save someone from drowning, that's a good three minutes by itself. But three minutes here is three years in the Speed Force. Wait a minute. Maybe you could take... I'll take this ghost into the Speed Force. And you can do three good deeds. And turn into a lizard.

I would love that. Do you guys want to do that right now? Let's do it. Okay. Okay. We just did it. Oh, wow. Charlie Manson's a lizard. He's a little lizard with a beard. With a swastika. He's still got the swastika. I'm so glad things worked out for Charles Manson. So good. Me too. I'll report this. Entree P. Neuer, so good to meet you. Will you come back with your brother or appetizer? Appetizer P.

I would love to meet him. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Christopher, so great to see you again. Yeah, good to be here, Scott. Good luck. I'll probably see you when I come back from Trivels. Yeah, I hope you replenish that gold. Oh, I've got a lot. It doesn't matter. Yeah, okay. And Dirk and Emily, or I'm sorry, Dirk and Ms. Grandchildren. So what do you think?

Well, we weren't really paying attention. We were texting about something we have going on. That's what you were doing? Anything you ever heard us say after the initial time that we had a conversation with you? Yeah, making a note of this. We were just saying stuff out loud. It was actually in response to what we were writing in our time. You were asking very specific questions to all of us. Oh, I'm glad it worked out that way.

Were you all talking to us? You guys were having a side conversation this whole time? The entire time. I never knew what was going on. This is an M. Night Shyamalan twist. So I guess just keep doing what you're doing. We'll have to report that it's going fine, I guess. Tell you what, I'll do it for another year. Is that okay?

Yeah. Who cares? All right, guys. I want to thank you. I want to thank the listeners. Thank you so much for sticking with us for nine years. I want to thank, of course, our engineers, including Engineer Brett. Don't get on mic. He can talk. Oh, that's right. He's been throat punched. Throat punched. Thanks to everyone out there listening. Thanks to all of you. It's been my pleasure to be here for so long. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to come out. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Look, look, look, look, look.

Here I am.

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