Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 2 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs being, of course, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall.

And we are now in the middle of a series of episodes called Time Bobby. Hopefully you heard last week's bonus bang with Time Bobby, the first episode. We are now going to be letting you hear the second Time Bobby episode. I believe this is called Time Bobby 2.0.

This was originally released April 22nd, 2013 as episode 215. A lot of numbers. I understand. Two, 2013, 22, 25, 215. It's a lot, but all you have to know is a year prior, Bobby Moynihan and Paul F. Tompkins and I sat down and we recorded the iconic Time Bobby episode, which was phenomenal.

voted on as the best episode of that year. And then this year, in 2013, we reconvened. Paul F. Tompkins is playing Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Bobby Moynihan returns as the stab, happy orphan Forval. Now, we find out in this episode a lot of different stuff. I don't want to spoil it for you, but if the words Tuval and Fryvault mean anything to you, well, you're in for a good one. If you enjoyed this episode...

And you want to hear more episodes featuring either Bobby Moynihan or Paul F. Tompkins or anyone else, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com. We have all of the past episodes that you can't find anywhere else. We have every single live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, bonus shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. No, no, no, no.

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Ah, what a catchphrase. Brace yourself, battle whales. The tide is rising. Thank you so much for that so Ravenclaw. You're not supposed to say that in vain. Ravenclaw? No. No, that's made up. The thing about the battle whales. Really? The battle whale thing is real? The ancient call to the battle whales. Brace yourself, battle whales. The tide is rising. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Leave it out. Why would this person be so cavalier about this then? I don't know. The crown has many enemies.

Wait, so these are whales controlled by the queen? Not controlled by the queen. Like telepathically with a concentric circle? No, no, no. That's just corgis. Did you know the queen controls the world's population of corgis? I had no idea. Yes. God help us if she ever unleashes them. Even the ones here in the States? Corgi's the world over, darling. The world over? Please don't go there. Even in alternate dimensions. Alternate? What? I'm sorry.

Theoretically, we don't know that there are alternate dimensions. You mean the... Boy, that's difficult to say. Alternate dimensions. Alternate dimensions. Every day, in every way, I am growing better and better. So you mean the infinite amount of dimensions that exist every time we make, as humans, a choice. Yes. There are several other choices that we, as humans, could make. Sliding doors, don't you know? Yes, of course. So then there is an infinite amount of alternate dimensions, and this queen... No, there's a hundred.

Only 100? Only 100. And who controls these tubes? That much we know. Whose choices can have... And may I say, 50 of them, give it a miss. Oh, really? Yes. Okay. It's the same everyone's clothes run backwards. Oh, yeah. Boring. I remember the group Criss Cross came from that dimension and they traveled over here. How did you find out about that? I just remembered it.

The science of remembering. You know, I searched back within the recesses of my mind and it was something that I knew and so I said it. You're a bit of a detective, but like the batting gentleman. Yes, the batting gentleman. What a great guy. Remember him? Vigilante Justice. Ha ha ha.

So getting back to the point, though, the queen controls – the queen in our universe controls the – Yes, our queen, Elizabeth II. Not the queen in several other – is there a queen in the hundred other universes? In, I would say, roughly a quarter of them. So in 25 – Enjoy your drink. Thank you. I thought you were going to go on a little longer. Tastes like professionalism.

Kind of expected there to be a longer answer. Who did you know? But 25%, so 25 of these other universes, there is a queen. Roughly, yes. But that queen does not control any of the corgis? No. Only one queen controls the corgis, dear boy. One queen to control them all, of course. Yes. It's Tolkienian, don't you know? Of course. So this queen controls all the corgis in the hundred other universes. Yes. What corgis there are. What...

would happen if she was able to create some sort of interdimensional, not barrier, but some sort of portal in which all the Corgis from all the- A Stargate, if you will. Okay, sure. All the Corgis from all the other universes were to gather here on our Earth. Would there be enough Corgis to enslave the human race? Answer me that. Here's the real question. Okay. I'm sorry. Mine wasn't good enough, but go ahead with yours. Whatever happened to Jay Davidson from The Crying Game? That is a great question. He was in Stargate and then not much else.

I know. It seemed he had all that heat. Where is he now? I wonder. Where might he be? Jay, what's his name? Davidson. Davidson. Oh, that's part of the problem. Son of David. Yes, of course. Remember last we talked, we spoke to the Vicar of Yanks. We're Al Yankovic. Yes, of course. We discussed names, the provenance of surnames. Of course. And your country. Where does yours come from again? Webber. He who webs. Right. I'm descended of spider people.

Spider people? Yes. Back in the Middle Ages, don't you know? As soon as the Middle Ages, there were spider people. A lot of people don't know this in the science. It was only the Middle Ages. Oh, okay. That's when they really flourished, spider people. I understand. And then what happened to that race, that brave, brave race? No one wanted the webs.

So they were not a warrior race? No, they were craftsmen. Tradesmen? Tradesmen, if you will. They made webs for the villagers. Okay. No one had use of them. Yeah, I would wonder. The webbers would say, Here now, I'll make you a web so you can catch some food. What food might that be, the villager might ask. The webber would reply, Flies? Well, no thank you, I'm a human being, I'll tell you. Suggest I eat flies. Flies?

A typical conversation of the Middle Ages. Yeah, I would imagine, though, Renfield would have been very into that. Oh, from Bram Stoker's Dracula. Yes, of course. I imagine he would have found great use for that. Fly eater, but he didn't have money. The insane aren't allowed to hold jobs. That is true. They're not allowed to hold money either. Well, they're just eat it, darling. Yeah, any time an insane person actually grasps money, an alarm goes off at the treasury. It's a ghastly nightmare. And Nicolas Cage is called. The B of E.

Yes, of course. The Bank of England. I spelled it out for you. Thank you so much. I personally, I bank at the B of A. B of A. Bank of... AmeriCar. Oh, AmeriCar. Certainly. Yes. By the way, I haven't introduced you. No. And I haven't... Do I need an introduction? I don't believe you. So, but just in case...

This is crazy, but if this is someone's very first foray into comedy-bomb-based bing-bong... Oh, yes, if you've been comatose for quite some time. That's right. If you're in some sort of dead zone situation where the minute you woke up, you grasped someone and psychically realized that there is a podcast that you should be listening to... I say...

Wouldn't it be wonderful if someone in one of these dead zone scenarios, they awake from their karma and they grasp something. An Oxford karma. Yes. I don't give a fuck about it. Vampire weekend. Vampire weekend.

Your favorite band, by the way. I love them. Just a sidebar. Vampire Weekend. We've talked about this many times off mic. Yes. What do you love so much about Vampire Weekend? They're jaunty young lads with a foundress sense. They're not trying to hurt anyone, despite their name. Perhaps the name means vampires having a weekend in which they do not suck the blood out of living people. Do you think they take Renfield along with them on this weekend? I wonder if they have a fun Renfield.

I wonder. A fellow who eats flies. Have you thought about turning their music, what little music there is from them, their third album coming out right now, but into a musicale? Well, what I've thought is I wish they would take my works and turn them into fun pop albums. There you go. Why do you always have to do the heavy lifting? Why do I have to do all the work and the heavy lifting?

So I wonder what that would be like. That would be like Jesus Christ Superstar. It would be like – Well, you know, the songs – Jesus Christ Superstar is a perfect example. Those songs are very heavy, aren't they? The rock and roll songs. Sure. My mind is clearer now. Oh, wow.

Yes, do sing it. At last all too well I can see where we all soon will be. I didn't realize you knew so much. If you strip away. I've got goose pimples. The myth from the man we will see where we all soon will be. I've got rhino plates. Jesus! Excellent mic technique. You started to believe.

things I say of you. Oh, you'd make a wonderful Judas. Would I now? But for one thing, and I think you know what it is. What is that? The... Please don't make me say it. The color spelled with a U. No, no. No.

Of my – Please. That's enough. You go too far, sir. All right. So sorry. How did we get on Vampire Weekend? What were we talking about right before that? Renfields. Before that. Before the Vampire Weekend, we were talking about – oh, yes. When someone is in a comma. Yes. Yes. If they awoke from their comma and they grasped someone and they instantly were able to download, as it were, all the information available about a bee.

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. That's who I am! That is true. In a Shyamalanian ending. I have revealed my own identity. Oh my goodness. Usurping the power from you, the host. Well, then I shall reveal my own identity. I'm the host, Scott Aukerman. You haven't... I say, you've beat me at my own game. Yeah, were you about to reveal my identity? I had... I'd assumed you'd already done so. In a Jay Davidson-type twist, I decided to reveal my own. Whatever happened to you? To me? Yeah.

And this is Comedy Bing Bong, of course. Of course it is. Comedy Bean Bag. And another episode. And you are my co-host this episode. Yes, another episode. Can we... Why do we keep going? What's the end game, really? I don't get it. I mean, do me a favor. All these episodes... Really? I mean, we put out enough good ones. You could just re-listen to those over and over. Oh, now I see. Oh. Yeah.

There might be two schools of thought about that, dear boy. Really? Perhaps you're searching for one more good one to go out on. Ah, yeah. Well, maybe if this one's a good one, this will be the end. Well, hope springs eternal. All right. Well, thank you so much for being my co-hostian. It is my pleasure. And what has been going on with you, Andrew Lloyd Webber...

I mean, you've been living in the merry old land of Ing. Yes. England. Of course. And it's been a while since we have spoken. It's been quite a while. It's been, of course, quite a while. And I always love to catch up with you because you're always up to something fascinatingly interesting. Oh, yes, aren't I? Yes, of course. Always up to something fascinatingly interesting.

I say, do you hear that rap-tap-tapping upon the... Our chamber door? Yes. Tis a visitor, I suppose, and nothing more. Hello? Where's that voice coming from? Hello? I'm looking in the space where a regular-sized human being man would be, and I don't see anyone. Yes, directly across from our eyeballs. Yes. And there is nothing there. And yet I distinctly hear a voice. You gotta look down towards the ground. What's that? Skulltrick, do you see whom I aspire? I... Oh, my gosh, I think I see it. Hi, guys. How you guys doing? Oh, hello. It's, uh...

Dear Forval. It's been a while. It's been. It's been. Now, Forval, it's been quite a while since we've seen you. It's been a long time, but it's good to see you guys. I am paralyzed with fright. Yes. Keep calm. Do the other thing.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to start off by apologizing for stabbing you last time. Last time you were on the show, you were a frisky little boy. I got a little stabby. You did get quite stabby. Yeah, it's been a long time since then, so... It's been the worst experience of my life. Yeah. It's been...

A long time since we've seen... They didn't make Jimmy Stewart. Dismissive Jimmy Stewart, of course. Didn't realize he was also dismissive. Very, very dismissive. I, uh, for a while, let me catch the listeners up on what is happening right now. One of the last times that Lloyd Webber, Lloyd Lord...

Well, Webber and I... Lord Lloyd, Lloyd Webber. Little Lloyd, Webby. Webby. Got together a tiny young orphan boy, Hugh. Hugh Jackman? No, Hugh that I'm looking at right now. Oh, that I thought you meant to have. No, he's been to broadcasting school, so... Okay. Hugh came into the studio looking for scraps. Yeah, I was lost. You were lost and you were looking for scraps and then ended up looking for a father...

Lord, Lord, was about to... Lord, Lord. Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord Weppy. I was going to make you my ward. Yeah. Invite you to my castle. Yeah. To live in a gilded cage. On top of the world. That's right. Do you live on top of the world? Yes, didn't you know? We've never spoken about what your actual address is. Yes. The North Pole? 500, top of the world. That's right. If you say...

If you would like to send me some correspondence simply addressed to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, the North Pole. I remember at one point there was a big court case deciding whether or not you were real. And someone from the post office came in and dumped just sacks and sacks of letters to you. Yes. It was such a hassle.

They declared a mistrial. Of course they did. I'm allowed to walk the earth as a real person. Are they retrying it, though, ever since the mistrial? Oh, I hope not. What do you know? You should check in on that. We have to do some web research. But let's not forget. Webber research. Let's not forget we have a...

Stabby orphan in front of us. Oh, I totally forgot. I got so sidetracked on this. I'm not going to hurt anybody unless you fucking get me paid. This is the problem, the unless. It's exactly what happened last time. You said you weren't going to hurt us, and then you said unless. I don't want to hurt nobody. I just want love and some food, maybe some scrap. Like, if you have some flies, I'll eat those. Renfillion behavior from Volvo. Can you still make the webs?

It's been quite a while. Wait, how long? It's been since I was a child, I think. Engineer Frank, did we install the metal detectors in the studio yet? Why haven't you done that? We have this open door pulse. It's been on your honey-do list forever. It's been on my honey-do list forever, and we still have not done it.

Look, I don't want to start this again. I just want to be truthful this time. I am carrying. How many knives are you carrying? Look, he's got a plastic knife. I've got a bandolier full of knives. A wooden knife? He's got knives for every... A butter knife. It's actually made of butter. Oh, my goodness. Really? Hardened butter? Yeah. My goodness. That's kind of cute. When you hold it, it gets warm. Is that an icicle? Yeah. Okay.

You have an icicle in your bandolier? Yeah. It's the perfect murder weapon because the evidence melts. Because you stab somebody and then it melts and nobody knows. Yeah, and then you've also got a leg of lamb in there. A frozen leg of lamb. Yeah. I can't eat it because it's frozen or else I'd be chowing down.

But I just wanted to let you know, I'm always packing. I can't help it because I'm from the streets. I do. For new listeners, yes, this is a young orphan, Forval. Yeah. And why do you call yourself Forval? It's like five. We'll put one less. Oh, right, right, right. Of course. It's everything. I forget these things. My little brother's three-fold. You have family? Now, wait a minute. If you've got family, dear boy, why are you running around stabbing people for scraps? Or they died.

I do apologize. You were speaking of him in the present tense. Yeah. Because I still carry him with me in my little heart. Oh, in your heart. Oh, I was afraid he was in that bandolier. I also was afraid. Wait, part of him. What? Are they frozen? No. Oh, okay. Just loose meat.

Scraps, in other words. Relatively recent death this three-full suffered? A couple days ago, yeah. And might I inquire, I ask trepidatiously, what might have been the cause of three-full's demise? We were watching a movie and he said he wanted to go to sleep and could you turn it down? I said, are you fucking kidding me, bro? Are you fucking kidding me, bro? What movie?

I'm sorry? What movie? Was it something that had to be listened to loudly? It was the Drow Mama from the train. Okay, okay, I understand. Loud train sounds? Yes. Bing, bing, bing, bing. Adds to the... Ooh, that's quite good. Thank you so much. That was a good train sound. It's almost like you're watching it right now. I thought there was a train coming. I was going to hop on it. Oh, that's what you do as an orphan. Yeah, a little boxcar. Can I ask you a question that I'm very, very concerned about? Of course. You say there's loose meat of your brother, Threeville, inside your bandolier. Yeah.

And loose meat is scraps. Yeah. And it's heavily established that you're out there looking for scraps. Skull trick! Skull trick! Skull trick, you fucking... I'm very alarmed at this conversational track. Just line of questioning? Yes. I'm just wondering... Are you about to say what I think you're about to say? Yes, whatever happened to Jay Davidson? Oh. What did happen to Jay Davidson? Do you know, Forval? Yeah. Yeah.

You know what happened to Jay Davidson? Look on the back of my bandolier. Oh my God! His... Jay Davidson's penis! This big surprise of the crying game. Spoiler alert! Now wait, you recognize this on site? Yeah, of course I do. It's the most famous penis in the world! You know, that's a fair point. Why... How did you get Jay Davidson's penis? Um, I saw him... I saw him at the store one day and I said, Hey, you're Jay Davidson, right? And he said, Why? Why, yeah. Yeah.

What a voice he had. Remember his melodious voice. He had a beautiful, akin to Jeffrey Holder. He could have been the new Darth Vader in the new movies. He said, you look lonely. And I said, I need a home to stay. And he said, you can stay with me. And I said, let me see that dick. And I cut it right off.

But why? Because I don't want to live with that asshole. You could have just said no. I guess I could, but when you're on the streets, man, you got to think quick. You got to be on your toes, even if they're little orphan toes. Was his penis exposed in the store? This is what I'm wondering. What kind of store is this? Oh, yeah, that guy's a little freak, man. He walks around with his penis out all the time. What store is this? It's the only way people recognize him. Is this some sort of pornography store that you were at, is it? Yeah, it was at the pornography store.

Lasex shoppy? Yeah, a Lasex shoppy. New high end. Yeah, sometimes I go in there and steal edible panties to eat. Oh, now I feel bad for him again. Although you claim to me... Pretty much my whole life is making people feel bad for me so that I could live with them. So you're aware of it? I don't know if aware is the word as much as I know my place. You're cognizant. Yeah, cognizant. Correct. Correct.

Well, that's – I just – I worry that you're out there searching for scraps and what you're doing is carving up human beings and then eating them. I mean just to lay it out there on the table. I never ate a human being. Don't slander me like that. I mean I keep them just in case because if it ever gets real bad, I might have to. But thank God it hasn't gotten to that point yet. No.

You have yet to taste human flesh. Yeah, and it's just my brother, part of my brother losing me and J.J. Davidson's penis. That's all I got to follow. It's not like I'm a mass murderer. Let me ask you this. If it were to come to that, if you were in some sort of situation where there were no more edible panties to eat, shut up to think, what kind of a world would that be?

It's a living nightmare. What would you eat? Alternative engine. Which would you eat first? Would you eat your brother Threville or would you eat Jay Davidson's Huang? I'm not going to lie. I think I'm going for the brother because...

If given the choice, I would like to consume my own brother first. But wouldn't that be some sort of – I mean let alone the fratricide part of it, but you'd be consuming a member of your own family. Yeah, but it would be to sustain my own life. So it's like he's helping me, the other guy. Well, I don't know if you heard, dear boy, but we don't do that anymore.

It simply isn't done. It's just not done. Yeah, we don't eat anyone of the human race, let alone our own family. Some people do it, I feel like. Maybe someone in the darkest of Africa.

Yeah. Let that sit there. Let that one ride a tough out. Absolutely. Of course. You know, they get the big pot and they, you know, when Bob Hope and... Like in Looney Tunes. When Bob Hope and Bing Crosby would go there, they would roast them in the pot. Anyway, Dorothy Lamour would be hanging out. Correct. Yeah, you know these movies. Everybody knows that. I know all that stuff. I'm a big fan of film and television. Can you tell us about your brother, Threville? What was he like?

Well, it's been a long time since I talked to him because he died. How long has it been? It's been about...

It's a couple days now. So not that long. No. But in a tiny child's mind. But when you live on the streets, man, each day is like an eternity. How old are you again? Me? Yeah. Yeah. So tell us about him. I mean, did he have a certain joie de vivre? He did. He was French. Sure. I would expect nothing less. He was born. For the listeners, joy of life. Yes.

So he was born in France and you were born here. Yeah. He was my little brother, Threville, and we would just scamper around the earth together trying to just make ends meet. Around the earth? Yeah, the whole earth. You trotted the globe. Yeah, I've been everywhere. You're some sort of curly... Like Menno Lark Lemon. Right. Who am I thinking of? Curly Neal.

I thought you meant Curly from the Harlem Globes. I did, yeah. Okay, good. What's his name? Curly Sue. Curly Neil. Curly Neil. I do doubt my knowledge of the Harlem Globes. I thought you were instructing me to kneel, as you often do. Well, I wish you would. It should be understood. I know. I am a lord. I know, but we don't respect that here in AmeriCar.

We never should have allowed that to happen. Yeah. So now you took a trip to Paris then. Your parents were still alive. Yeah, before I stabbed them. Right. And you took a trip to Paris to go to Paris Disneyland, I'm assuming. Yeah, of course. Why else would you go to Paris? Is it still open? It depends what time of the year it is. It's a seasonal thing. Oh, okay. Thank you. Yeah. Every other day in the autumn? Yeah. Every other day it's open. Every other day it's open. Yeah.

Is that one of your new songs? No. Oh. What are you talking about, song? Song, I mean, you write songs, don't you? Yes, I certainly do. Of course. Why did you bring up songs all of a sudden? I just, it was a beautiful melody that you started singing. What melody? Every other day it's a past. Are you singing? Yeah, I don't understand. Because you liked it before. It's been a long time since. I liked it when you sang one of my songs. I see.

So you would travel the globe together, and what was he like? I mean, what did he like to do? He was exactly like me, except a little bit tinier, one less than me. Sure, sure. But he had a big, thick mustache for a little baby, which was strange. Sometimes I think he might have been older, and he was a liar.

So when you were alive, you were one of your... I'm still alive. Yes, of course. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to imply that you're not. Please. I'm still alive, Scott. Give me the fucking respect, man. I'm sitting right in front of you. No disrespect, man. For who? Disrespect, man. It was a slip of the tongue. Yeah. Merely. That tongue would look good with an icicle in it if you don't watch your fucking stuff. I don't want you to cut out my tongue and have it reside next to Jay Davidson's penis.

Look, what I meant to say is your very first memory, since your earliest of memories, your brother Threville was alive. Yeah. And so... My very first memory was my actual birth.

What? I have a phenomenal memory. My goodness. Yeah. What happened? Can you describe it? Yeah. It looked like a door opening, and I saw a little doctor man. Wait, was this in Asia? No, you were born in the States, you said. Yeah, I was born in the States, but funny enough, it was Asia. Paparazzi.

Pat Morita was your... Was my mom's doctor. Oh, doctor ma'am. Did he slap his hands together and rub them together? He did, yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay, just to catch me up. Okay, I don't understand why this would be confusing, but come on. I just want to follow it because there's many details, twists, and turns. As always. Yours as always. Never a dull moment with four of them. Of course not.

You claim to remember your actual birth. You're giving us a first-person account of the birthing process. It sounds legit to me because all those details that he mentioned sound like what would happen in an actual birth. Everything sounds legit until we get to...

The deliverer of you. The Dr. Man, Pat Morita. Yes. It's the same Pat Morita from the Karate Kid. And from Happy Days. And from Happy Days. Created by our good friend Gary Marshall. I think he did a movie with Jay Leno once. He gave me tinnitus. Oh, really? Speaking of Jay Leno, the tinnitus show.

So, yeah, he did that movie with Jay Leno where they were cops. Yeah, I think so. The fine film. What was that called? I don't remember, but I remember he karate chopped a car. She and him? Of course he did. She and him? Was that the name of it? No, that was The Crying Game you're thinking of. Oh, thank you. Yes, I think of The Crying Game, She and Him. Yes.

All right. So you're on board now, Pat Marie. Yeah. I called up. Thank you. Okay. That's out of the way. Okay. So then was your brother there in the room to greet you when you...

He wasn't, but he was out. I heard he was down at the gift shop. Okay. Well, there's your answer. He's definitely not your little brother if he was already there when you were being born. But he's smaller than me, so he's my little brother. And they named him Freeville because they knew that they would have a baby in the future that was slightly bigger. Yeah, well, he was nameless for a little while, I think. Oh, I see. And then, yeah, they just went for it. What were your parents' names? Nancy and Nancy.

Nancy and Nancy, of course, can be a man's name. Was it two men? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Because you cut them up. Yeah. They don't know how to act sometimes. Right. What would be some of that transgressions that were stab worthy? I don't know.

One time, they woke me up too early, and that was the last straw, because I'm not a morning person. You seem to have a lot of issues with either people sleeping or you sleeping. Your sleep cycles in your family are really... There's two things. I mean, I think this goes for everyone, but there are two things in the world that will get you stabbed, and that's waking someone up early and taking someone's french fries. So...

Anytime anyone disturbs your circadian rhythms, you're ready to stab. I'm ready to stab at the drop of a hat, but mostly if somebody wakes me up abruptly. Sure.

Just cover your neck, man. Protect your neck. Is that? Wu-Tang style. Yeah, of course. So now, when you say taking someone's french fries, do you mean you'll stab someone as you take their french fries? No. No. I would never take someone's french fries. I'm not positive, but that might be a federal offense. Even if the choice between you starving to death or not was stealing someone's french fries or eating your brother three-vill?

What would you do? I would eat my brother. You would eat your brother before you stole someone's french fries? Yeah. I would eat his loose meat.

That's good because I have some French fries here and I just, you know, I wanted to make sure it was a safe room. And you don't eat French fries, of course. They'll never pass my lips. No, of course, because you're English through and through. That's right. I'll never eat a potato in any form. Potatoes in general? Never! Is that because of the Irish as well? Yes. Okay, the dirty Irish. Now, that's not for you to say. Okay. Only for me, the dirty Irish. But I just, I have some here and I wanted to make sure everything was cool and I wasn't going to offend anyone or I wasn't going to, no.

and no one was going to steal them. You know I'm starving. Sure, but I mean, you know, you're not going to take them, obviously. No, I would never, because you don't take another man's french fries. Certainly. May I ask, Fawful? Don't be an asshole and chew real loud when you know I'm hungry. This is just in my normal chew. I'm sorry that it's loud. Your normal chew sounds... You're both in the wrong. First of all, you're eating on Mike. Disgusting. So what? Secondly, your language is appalling, Fawful, as it was before. Now, let me say this. Let me ask you this, Fawful. Uh...

More specifically. I don't want to eat fries so bad. You could offer, too. You could just be a nice guy and offer. It's a small order. Please. Because I have portion control for me. I'm a small boy. I know, but I'm a large boy and I only have a small. Gentlemen, I beg of you. This is a very important question. Scott Rick, you'll want me to ask this question. Please do. You're taunting me, man. I feel like. Let's say someone was the possessor of some French fries. French and fries, as we call them. Of course. French and fries.

No, Frenched. They have been Frenched. Okay, so sorry. They've been befrenched, Fawful. Yeah. You would never stab someone for their French fries. What? No, I take it back. You would never steal French fries from a living man. No, you shouldn't do that. But would you take the French fries from a recently stabbed dead man? Oh, of course. Oh. Because they're free on the ground. Do you see, Skoltric? Maybe I'd better put these fries away. I think you should, just because...

Yeah. I think we all know my track record is spotty at best. I'm just recovering from my wounds. We never talked about that on the next episode, though, by the way. It was too painful. Yeah. I mean, we were in a comma for a while. It's given me PTSD-OL. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Of lordships. Oh, I see. Okay. Okay.

All right, I'm going to put these fries away. Tell you what, we have to take a little break. Is that okay, Forval? I mean, I think it's okay. Okay. Breaks, not a stabbing offense? No, I don't want to stab you guys. It's actually really good to see you. Very glad to hear that. Even though, to be honest, I've listened to the recording. You guys kind of treated me like shit.

We were saying some stuff that he couldn't hear. The talk behind my back, oh, you're two-faced, kind of, but I'm here to mend this relationship. That's why I came by. We'll mend it. We'll mend it. Tell you what, let's take a little break. When we come back, we'll have more Lord Webber. We'll have more Forval. Yeah. And we'll be— Get it right, man. Forval, of course. Get it right. Forval. Thank you. Forval. Okay, we'll be right back with Comedy Bang after this.

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Yeah.

Welcome back to the show. Comedy Bang Bang. We're here with... Welcome back to the show. Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, thank you, Lord Webber. It's been a while since we went away. It's been about two minutes or so. Yeah, of course. It's been about that long, yes. Now, we were in the middle of what I thought was going to be just a

kind of dissection of Andrew Lloyd Webber's career. Yes, a retrospective. Where we started with Jesus Christ, no, I'm sorry, Joseph the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. How many colors were in that coat of many colors? Do you remember all of those? Actually, not that many. Not that many? Really? Not that many. How many? In the actual stage production? Yeah, in the actual coat. It was two colors.

Really? Yes. We didn't have quite the budgets we have now. And were they just black and white? Yes. Oh, no. But we sang about so many colors. Yeah. We thought we could put one over on the audience and do you know, it worked. And I thought we were just going to be talking to Andrew Lloyd Webber this entire show. Yes, did I? Yeah.

And I'm so sorry. We'll get back to that episode, of course, at a future date. I look forward to it. We are being held captive. Oh, yes, that's right. That's not what's happening. During the break, we tried to exit. Yeah. Why would you do that? We're not done yet. I mean, it's just rude. I was walking down the street.

And I heard the beautiful voice, and I thought, this is my time to come apologize. Maybe this is the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have you on the show anymore, Andrew Lloyd Webber. You blame me. Well, I mean, he heard your voice, and all of a sudden, here he is. I'm saying I'm some sort of stabby orphan lightning rod. I'm going to be honest. I was outside when Weird Al Yankovic was here, but I gave the respect to that man. Oh, okay. And I didn't come in. But if you don't hear from Weird Al again, that's not...

Now I say, why does he deserve respect and we don't? Honestly, because you guys fucking punked me over that time I was here. I think you're bearing the lead. He just intimated that he has murdered to death Weird Al Yankovic. What? He said if we don't hear from him again... Do you have anything else in that knapsack of yours? Have you murdered the Vicar of Yanks, or are you going to?

This Hawaiian t-shirt didn't come from... He has a Hawaiian t-shirt that's just covered in blood. Oh, that's what your knapsack is actually made of. I should have noticed it was a Hawaiian pattern. Scott Rick, I need to talk to you. Do you mind... Oh, no, not at all. Yeah, I'm sure this will end perfectly. Jesus fucking Christ, I'll be over here not listening, assholes. Thank you. Thank you, Farvel. Scott Rick. Yes.

I feel as if Fawful is just as dangerous as he ever was. I had hoped he would be less dangerous. It seems to me that murder is on his mind today. I had hoped that he was dead.

He seems to be alive and stabbing. I had hoped that perhaps when he had attacked the Vicar of Yanks, that perhaps Alfred had gotten the best of him. And perhaps, you know, I'm sure it would be kind of an equal battle for a little while. But then at the last second, Alfred would have grabbed the knife that had been kicked away.

and then just stabbed him repeatedly. If only his name was Dangerous Alfred Yankovic. He really missed the boat on that. He did, he did. Well, what do we do? I don't know what we... I suppose let's just play along for now. Play Kate the Boy. Ride out the clock. I'm worried that he's armed and he has so many... Especially the icicle. Oh, are you worried that he's armed?

Yes. What I mean to say is perhaps we could get those weapons away from him. Now, dear boy. Yes. Do you remember the last time we attempted to do such a thing? It didn't work out for us. You remember knife grab? Well, I sort of remember it. I can't really remember what it stood for. Nor can I. Well, can I? Well, there was K. K. He's got a knife. He's got a knife, of course. N. N.

No, really. He does have a knife. That's right. I do hope he does not stab us with that knife he clearly has. Yes. F. F. Forgive me, but this knife that he has is really scaring me. Yes. E. Ear now. He's got a knife. Which is, we've established that when you shout, you turn cockney. Yes, and at that point, I'd certainly be shouting. Yes, of course. Then G. G. Go blimey.

You're really shouting at this point. Yes. Oh, blimey. Someone come get this knife away from this bleak northern. Someone get this fucking knife. Please, don't Guy Ritchie it. And then, of course, R. R.

Really? Someone go get this fucking knife off of him. Who's that? That's you when you're really, really, really shouting. Thought Crocodile Dundee had showed up. Please. A. A. A shame it would be were we to be stabbed by this child and his knife. You're not shouting at this point because you have been stabbed and the blood is... I'm becoming very reflective. Yes, of course. My life passing before my eyes. Of course. And then, of course, B. B.

Boy, oh boy. I hope we don't get stabbed anymore. Here we come, God. We're about to meet you. That's correct. Boy, yeah, that didn't work out for us. So this time, I wonder if we might come up with a different stratagem. Okay. Perhaps restraining him without work? I mean, we didn't try that last time. Yes. Perhaps rather than grabbing for the knife, we'll grab for the little orphan himself. Orphan grab. Yes. Orphan curse. Now, how will we remember...

The secret code word, orphan grab. Well, we could turn it into a mnemonic device, I suppose. Oh, I see. That's a clever idea. Okay, well, let's try it out. So, O. O. Oh, no. We've got to get that orphan. Yes, of course. Then R. Really? Really. Lord Webber, please grab the orphan. Yes. P. Phone. Someone use this phone. And call someone who is expert at grabbing orphans. Okay, of course.

H. Hello, are you an orphan who needs grabbing? I rather think you are. A. The Fonz is so cool. Surely he would grab an orphan. Let's emulate his behaviors. N. No, no, an orphan needs grabbing. Who will do it? G. G, your hair smells terrific. Won't you consider grabbing an orphan? R.

Are you going to grab this orphan or not? A. A. Fonzie's back. And, of course, B. Boy. Boy. Who needs grabbing that orphan right now? Of course. Okay. So if this comes up, if either of us says orphan grab, we're going to grab him. You'll remember. And just so we're crystal clear on everything, orphan grab is our code word, and it stands for O. O. Oh, gosh. O.

What does orphan grab stand for? You'll have to tell me. We have to make sure we're both clear on this. I, of course, remember. You do. Of course I do. Oh, no. Oh, God. You're very close. Oh, there's an orphan boy. We must grab him.

That's good enough. That's good enough? Okay, R. R, really? Orphans, we need to... Oh, gosh. You know what? I think this is going to be too much for me to remember. Maybe we should just say orphan grab. All right. I do hope we remember that code word. Let's bring him back and see. All right, yes. Forval. Forval, hello, dear boy. Come back over here. Put away your coloring book. Get off your little pony. I brought my little pony.

Are you a bit of a brony? I'm sorry? Are you a bit of a brony? I am. I thought you'd ask me if I was a jabroni. Oh, no, he wouldn't. No, no, no, he wouldn't say that. No, I was very confused by it. It seemed foreign coming out of his mouth. Well, I'm a huge fan of the Worldwide Wrestling Federation. Federation, yeah. And Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment, as it's known now. I lived with Vince McMahon for 12 years. What? 12 years? How old are you? Give or take, give or take, yeah. Oh, okay.

So whatever happened to Vince McMahon then? Why didn't you just stay with him? He was a terrible man. He didn't treat me right. Oh, wow.

What were some of the mistreatments you suffered at the hands of Vince McMahon? Well, I mean, to be honest, you see how he treats those wrestlers, you know. Oh, that's true. Everyone's play acting, aren't they? It's wrestling entertainment. Yeah, but it's hard on their bodies. I mean, not to get on a serious topic or nothing, but those guys really give their entire lives. But it's free will. I mean, they choose to do so. Free willy. Free willy, the wrestler. Remember? He was the orca-themed wrestler. Yeah. Yeah.

The only way you could beat him was if you rubbed his tongue. That's right. Can I ask, where does Vince McMahon's name come from, Lord Webber?

It's an Irish name. Macman? Macman. He's a man. Son of man. Oh. Like the first man, Adam. Son of man. I say, do you think Vince McMahon? Much like the Antichrist, son of man. He's Cain or Abel. Yeah, but you don't got to worry about him no more. Wait a minute. Now, what are you saying? I'm fairly certain that he's still... Are you seriously? You're not... You think that's the same guy? You... There's a McManilganger? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. I've killed a lot of people, guys. A lot of famous people. Did you kill Pat Morita, by the way? Yeah. Why? So you came out of the womb. What did you grab, a scalpel? I came out. My mom gave birth in the back of a car, and Pat Morita just happened to be walking by, and he delivered the baby. And I came out, and I crane kicked him right in the throat. Why? Beating at his own game. Yeah.

But why? I hadn't even seen the movie yet because I was just born. It was just a coincidence. It just was instinct for you. Yeah, a lot of it is. I pretty much work on instinct alone. I must ask, what did you think of the film? Oh, it's fantastic. It's fun. It's a bit of fun. The second one was a little weird and then the one with Hilary Swank really bothered me. What about the new one though with Jaden? Oh, I mean, that's the shit. The reboot? Yeah. I don't care for the reboots. You don't care? Really? Yeah.

Well, no reboots at all. What if someone were to reboot Phantom of the Opera? I say, who would do such a thing? Well, you did when you created the musical. A sequel? No, no. I mean, the actual first one is a reboot. No, no, no, no. A singing reboot. Drawing on source material of the classics is the same as a reboot. How dare you, sir? You created a sing-boot, sir. I had no idea.

I have created no such thing, boot sir. What if there were boots that could sing? That kind of gives me a little too Beauty and the Beast, isn't it? Booty and the Beast. I think there was singing boots in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. You think so? Yeah, I think there actually was. While he was screaming for his life. Yeah. It's a form of singing. He put them in the dip. I have a very weird vast knowledge of obscure things. Well, you know, you've been around for a while, I guess. Why don't you grow?

Why don't you shut the fuck up, Scott? Why don't I fucking grow? Why don't you offer french fries like a gentleman? Look, I put them away. That's the very least I could do. Put them in your Fry-Volt. Speaking of Fry-Volt, do you have a brother, Fry-Volt? Yeah. Really? I just was hazarding a guess, but... He's my oldest younger brother. So Fry-Volt is your oldest younger... Is Fry-Volt still with us? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, why don't you live with him? What? Why? Because he don't have a home, neither. Oh, so he's going to perish just from the conditions out on the streets? Yeah, he's got the gout.

Oh, no. How did he come to get the gout at such a tender age? I think from eating too much salt. Oh, okay. That'll do it. Does he have scurvy as well? Yeah. Oh. Vitamin deficiency. Why don't you feed him some limes? I don't have no limes. I got nothing. All I got is the shirt on my back and this bandolier full of insane weapons. Yeah, and of course, Jay Davidson's. Oh, that's right. Jay Davidson's penis. And the loose scraps of your little brother. Yeah. Well, that's too bad for Freibolt.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to meet him someday. Well, I don't know if you would, because... Really? Yeah, he's got a worse temper than I do. I say, is he close by? I think he might be. Well, why are we summing him up? Is he not a fan of Lord Webber here? Scott, you've got a question, of course he is. I don't know how to tell you this, Andrew. What?

He's not a fan. What? Is he actively staying away because of Lord Webber's presence? He's all about Sondheim. Oh. I cannot. Sondheim has never dropped a chandelier on any stage. How did he get his name? Sondheim? Yes. The Heimer of Sonds. Oh, of course. Right there in the name. Writer of songs, Heimer of Sonds. Indeed. Yes.

Well, so he would not want to come in? Is that what you're saying? I mean, he follows me around sometimes, so we love each other's back in a literal sense. But if he shows up, it's not my fault. Okay, yes. You know, I'm just saying. You're saying he has a worse temper than yours. Much worse. Yeah, much, much worse. What would he make of my fry vault?

Well, he would get confused, I think, at first because that's his name. Because I'd say, this is my Fry Vault, and he would say, I'm not your Fry Vault. Because that's what he sounds like. That's what he sounds like? Yeah. It's the same confusion I suffer around many grills. He sounds a lot like Jay Davidson. Even if he does. Even the Foreman Grill. Well, the Foreman Grill, I just don't understand. How do they get the fat out? Well, it drips down into the fat catcher. Oh, of course it drips down into the little pan. That's why it's at an angle. Well, thank you. Another mystery solved.

I just want to bet with Sarah Brightman. You're still on good terms with Sarah Brightman. We're on betting terms. Oh, I see. About grills. So really, any time a grill-themed bet comes up, you'll call Sarah Brightman. Other than that, we do not speak. Okay. Well, I hope he doesn't come because he sounds dangerous. I will say, let me go on record as saying,

The last thing I want to happen on this earth is for this frivolt to show up in this studio. It truly is, because he will gut you, man. It'll be a day of reckoning, I would imagine. Good news that he won't be here. I dare you won't. Don't forget. Well, we have to take a break here in a second, but I do want to say- Orphan grab! What the fuck? Hold him! Hold him! I got him! I got him! He's so strong! Get off of me! He's so strong! You sons of fucking bitches!

Okay, we'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back after this.

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It was tough. That was a rough go. It was a rough go. This is some bullshit. You be quiet. Don't talk to me like that. Be quiet over there. Quiet, Forval. The way you treat me is ridiculous. We got him and we restrained him. We're asking for it. Yes. Thank God that I brought these handcuffs and these heavy, strong ropes here into the studio. We have him. A lucky coincidence. We have Forval tied to a chair here.

And they're little tiny handcuffs, which really came in handy. Yes, they're rather charming. Yeah, they are. They're Barbie handcuffs. I'm pissed off, but they are adorable. I'm glad that you can recognize that. Why would they make Barbie handcuffs? Well, Barbie's into some weird shit. Yeah, man. With Ken. Yeah. Shame for the children. Ken Burns, I mean. Oh, certainly. The documentarian. Yes, of course. Ken Burns fucks Barbies. Have we ever talked about that on the show? Off mic. Okay, of course.

So, thank goodness, but we have Forval...

Yes. I feel much better. We shan't have to worry that we're going to be stabbed. We've taken away his bandolier full of things, and we have the icicle. Locked it up in the fry vault. We locked it up in the fry vault, of course. You put it in my brother? No, no, no. No, this is where the confusion. Oh, that's why, yeah. The confusion. My French fry vault where I keep all my hot fries. Yeah. We put the icicle in the fry vault, which keeps the fries warm, so hopefully it'll melt down.

So, uh, uh, uh, uh, Forval, I guess the shoe's on the other foot here, huh? Yes. Yeah. Now you are at our mercy. For the first time, I, I, I came here to apologize and you guys treat me like this, but I'm not going to say I get it. I truly get it. Yes, you did a shabby job of apologizing. I don't, I know. You, the very first words out of your mouth were, I don't want to stab you, but. Yeah. That's a terrible way to begin an apology, dear boy. But at least I was being honest. What?

Well, I guess we can. I do commend you for your honesty. Thank you for your candor. Every good boy deserves fudge. Yeah. That's right. That was part of knife grab, as I recall. Never mind. So now that we have you at our mercy, we can ask you some questions and you have to answer them honestly or else we have some telephone hooks here and we, you know. Sack full of oranges. Bar's open a sock, I see. Code red.

Yes, Mountain Dew Code Red. Oh, shit. We'll force you to drink it. You guys are terrorists. Well, sorry. Just not the Code Red. So here we go. Forval, you got to answer our questions or else you're in for it. That's right. It's been a long time coming. All right. So, Forval, first off, we want to ask, how old are you? Yeah. How old are you? Yeah. You must answer. Yeah.

Right now? Uh-huh. I'm six years old. Oh, God! Why? I feel as if he's lying. I knew it. Even if he wasn't, I was going to hit him anyway. He stabbed us almost to death. That is true. You know? I mean, this feels good. If I get out of here, you don't even fucking understand what's going to happen to you. Oh, yeah. You're not getting out of here. Oh, yeah? You think it's so tough right now? I do think I'm... Ow!

How do you like that? I don't really enjoy it. No, I don't enjoy it. It was kind of rhetorical, though, I think. No, I was sincerely asking. Oh, you were. No, it's not fun to be here with a telephone board. Stop it! You're hurting me. Getting more fun or less fun? Less fun. Thank you for taking my survey. I just have two more questions. Stop it!

You're beating a child. A stabbing child. Are you a child? You're beating a little orphan. Are you a little orphan? Because I, frankly, have my suspicions. As do I. You've claimed that you lived with Vince McMahon. I've lived with a bunch of people. For 12 years. How can you be six years old? Like I said, on the streets, time gets long, so I don't understand time. Oh, God!

That was the... Stop! That first one was just to lure you into a sense of security. Do you have a sense of security now? Ouch! Stop it! Four of them. That one didn't hurt much, but... Oh, okay. I'm so sorry. Give me another one. Okay, here we go. Let me get my phone book out of here. Why did you put it back down? Well, I thought I was done with this. You're not a very good Foley artist. Here we go. Ready? Oh, stop it! Double! Double!

You had that comment. That was, yeah. What were you going to ask Lord Webber? Four of them. I can take this, by the way. Really? You've been tortured before? Of course I've been tortured before. Who's tortured you before? I don't want to. Name five names. Bruce Willis. Okay. Jessica Tandy. Of course. She was great at it. Kathy Bates. Uh-huh. This guy, Tom. Oh, yeah. He's not famous. Wait, Tom Cruise? Yeah. Oh, okay. He's rather famous. Kelly McGillis. Kelly McGillis. From Witness. Yeah. From Top Gun, I say. Yeah. Yeah.

That one was just extra. Why did you do that? You gave us the names. You just don't like Kelly McGillis. No, I don't. Yeah. Forval.

This is torture. You're a two-grown man torturing a small, ill orphan boy. You stabbed us unto death, dear boy. That's true. You're a dangerous creature. And I say creature purposefully. Because I feel as if there's something about you that's not quite natural. Wait a minute. Are you saying that he's some sort of supernatural creature? Yes. Akin to something Gary Marshall would chase in his off hours? I dare say, that demented old monster hunter.

So, is that true, Forful? Are you not of this earth? I might not be, no. You might not be of this earth. Why? Why have you come here to stab human beings? I'm a time bobby. What? I'm a time bobby! I know.

Wait a minute. I don't know how to tell you this, Scott, but... Are you an IA of time, Bobby? Yeah. Internal affairs? Yeah. A time-traveling serpico? Yeah. What have I done wrong? Everything. Oh, dear. Oh, no. This doesn't look good, Scott Rick.

If you're just listening to this for the first time, last time- Goodbye. Last time I was on the show, we established that I'm a time bobby, hopping throughout time. This cannon? Yes, taking care of wayward time travelers. Yeah, you screwed up everything. The buttercream effect. Okay.

How did I screw it up? I'm trying to take care of everything. Scott, I don't know how to tell you this, but have you ever seen a baby picture of yourself? I mean, let me search back using the science of memory. Certainly. Search back through the recesses of my mind. Wait a minute. No, I have not. What? Yes, everyone's seen a baby picture of themselves. Well, I think my parents never took pictures of me when I was young. Is that possible? Or maybe they were destroyed for a reason. What?

What reason could that be? What reason? No! I don't know how to tell you this, but you are beating yourself. What? Scorchig! Wait a minute, bruises are appearing on my body. Look what you've done. You're looping, Scorchig. Ow! God, I'm in such pain. How do you take this? Because I'm strong. I can, Scott. Because I'm you. You?

You're me as a child? Yeah, this, I know it sounds crazy like this took an insane turn. And it doesn't even seem to add up with all the information that we have previous. Well, but that all could have been a lie. It's the buttercream effect, man. You screwed everything up by going back in time. Why are you trying to kill me to death then if you... I'm just trying to hang out and be cool and live with you. You offered me a home. You said you would be my dad and then you took that away from me so I stabbed the...

fucking shit at you to prove a point. But now, the reason I took it away is because you kept threatening to stab everyone. I can't help it. I'm stabbing. Actions have consequences. It is like the buttercream effect. All the candies you eat in one time affect future candies. Also, you know, actions have consequences as we saw on Downtown Abbey when...

I'm just saying that the servants, you know, they get into these scrapes and it affects the people upstairs. I knew it in the midst of a strange...

Science fictional supernatural situation. Sure. But still, it's Downton. Downtown Abbey, yes. Please, please. I don't know what the problem is. I'm now praying for you to get stabbed by yourself. It's my favorite show when they are there and they're trying to save downtown. And all the people live at downtown. And they go downtown all the time. So why am I not stabby? Why have I grown up into the way I am? Are you saying it gets better? It gets better, Scott.

Oh, okay. So, Scott Rick, if we allow Forval to flourish, to live, perhaps to find love, he'll grow up into a fine young man like you. All I need to do is find a good home, and then I grow up to be an amazing podcaster. Well, what about my home where I grew up?

Which is also my home. My childhood home. Wait a minute, but you murdered my parents? I always wondered how my parents died. No, you murdered your parents. Oh my god, I did. Do you remember, Scott? Oh my god, I'm remembering it now. I'm remembering everything! The cab! Pat Morita! The roundhouse kick! That dislocated his head! And then everything after the first day. Yeah. Oh my god. My life!

Becoming a time bobby in internal affairs. Trying to catch myself. Closing the loop, as it were. Stabbing myself. You looped yourself. Oh, no. I didn't even get the gold bars. No. What is that? I remember it all. So many choices I made. My little brother? Yeah. Yeah.

And Sixel! Oh, God. Oh, no, not Sixel! Quite a family. What happened to him? There's hundreds of us. Oh, hundreds? And Freyvalt. Oh, my God. What a terror. The worst of all the bad seed. The black sheep of the family. When you say hundreds, are we talking about alternate dimensions? Yeah. What? But they're all converging here, in this dimension. Yeah. Wait, so are you me from an alternate dimension? Uh-huh.

I see, but now that you're here, I'm remembering your past as if it's my past. Yeah, because you screwed everything up. Oh, no. We were both in crisscross for a period of time as well. The two of us? Yeah. You as a young boy and me as an older boy? We were totally whacked out getting all the ladies. That is familiar.

I do recall now. I remember that most of all. You were in crisscross, yeah. That was a good three weeks that we were famous. You made me jump. That was a solid three weeks. Yeah, I mean, for 21 days, a good 21 days, a lot happened. Really tight, really good stuff. A lot of jumping. Too much jumping. Way too much jumping. A great deal. No. Ah, my God, I can't remember. I remember everything and all my family. And boy, wait a minute, I remember what happened yesterday.

To the Fry Vault here. What? What happened? Well, I remember. It's been a while ago. It's been as... It's been how long? It's been as many years as Forval is of age minus however old I am, which I don't even know how old I am anymore. It seems as if I've been alive forever.

I remember the dinosaurs. I remember the... The television show. Yeah, the television show Dinosaurs. So how long have I been alive? A long time. It's not how long you've been alive. The real question is how long haven't you been alive? Oh my God. I see. I'm sorry for asking that other stupid question. Yeah. Yeah. You realize you beat me with a phone book for no reason now, right? What?

Well, now, to be fair, we have arrived at this information. Yeah, we got there. So torture works, we've proven it. Yeah, it does. I'm trying to remember what happened to the frival. I think I'll remember at some point, and then I'll... But I say four-val. All of these trans-dimensional four-vals, five-vals, six-vals, what have you. So many. Why are they converging on this dimension? Because it's time. Time for five-val.

There's a lump in my throat as I attempt to ask this question, but I fear the answer. Please ask it, my dear boy, as I am too afeard. Time for what, Forval? The Lil' Reckoning. Oh, dear. The Lil' Reckoning. Yeah. The Lil' Reckoning? L-I-apostrophe-L? Yeah, Lil'. Let me get this straight. Like Lil' Kemp.

Oh, okay. Right. That makes sense. No, you're good. Yeah. So you are the four-ville of this dimension. Yeah. No, sorry. You're the five-ville. Yeah.

No, you're the four of them. He's the four of them. Right, yes. I'm sorry. Five of them. I'm getting very confused. There's no five-o in my family. There's only the famous five-o from another dimension. Oh, okay. So that's not a five-o from another dimension. We're not related to him. He's a fucking cartoon rat. Oh, okay. So sorry. I just assumed there was another alternate. It is difficult, Steve. It's terrible. There's an alternate dimension where instead of humans, the world is anthropomorphic rats. Yeah.

And Fievel is your doppelganger. How do you come to know so much about these ultimate dimensions? But what I'm trying to get at...

is that the you from all these other dimensions are now being called to this earth and it's time for the little reckoning? Yeah, because it's time to set things straight. What I really came here to do, Scott, was to apologize and to give you your life back because you're doing so well and I want you to thrive. Even though I had a bad childhood because of all the terribleness and all the stabbings and killings,

I realize now that what I've done is bad, so I came here to stop it and to let you go free of all this and correct all the wrongdoings. But you've decided to time me up like a little fucking bitch and hit me with a phone book, so... Can I say that your monologue was very affecting until that last sentence? Oh, yeah, when I started to get real and I started to curse. I was welling up with tears. You were going great, guys. I was about to grab my tear basin. Oh, yes. No need for it now. I felt it was getting a bit dusty in here.

What I'm saying is you deserve the best because you're a good man and you're true. Scottrick, your tears falling into your tear basins. It's falling into your tear basins.

I'm sorry, guys. You have a beautiful life and a beautiful wife. And the only thing I want... Happy wife, happy life. Yeah. You created that term. You don't even remember it. Happy wife. It's a different dimension. Happy wife. Happy life. High five. That was not the time. Sorry, sorry. I'm willing to come here and take this torture and maybe even die by your hands slash my own hands. If I kill you, though, whatever.

What happens to me? Oh, I say paradox. You'll disappear. Well, you'll go to a dance and you'll play a Johnny B. Goode song and then maybe... That sounds fun. Yeah, it's really fun. A song by Johnny B. Goode. Will Marvin Barry be off to the side? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay, calling his cousin Chuck. Mayor Goldie Wilson might be driving around. Sure.

I bet he would. What about that guy with the 3D glasses? Will he be around? Oh, no. That guy's dead. Oh. Yeah. What happened to him? He died. He died in 1956? Yeah. Oh, gosh. Rest in peace. Terrible story.

Uh, well... What I'm trying to say is I'm willing to come here to apologize and give my own life so that you can live on and have a fruitful career. Okay, great. Well, let's get that icicle out of the Fry Vault and let's carve him up. What do you say? Wait, who... Yo, what's going on here? I remember now! Yo, it's Fry Vault. Fry Vault! Fry Vault! Yeah. I remember. He comes in and then we say, Hey, have you seen my Fry Vault? And then he gets confused and...

And he doesn't, he thinks that... So what you got to say to me? Fry vault. Yeah. Wait, I'm confused. Yes, I'm pointing at my fry vault. That's why you're confused. I'm sorry, I'm confused. I did not know if you were talking to me or if you were pointing at me. I'm pointing at my fry vault right now. I'm saying fry vault. Fry vault, comma, your brother's, or your, I guess your interdimensional... Other self? Other self's icicle is contained within...

That is a statement. Freibolt, your interdimensional brothers high school is contained within. Okay. That is a statement. And, Boival, is everything okay over here? I don't know. I don't think it's going okay. I don't like that. Yo, are you Andrew Lloyd Webber? Uh, who wants to know? I do, because I'm asking. I'm Freibolt. No, I'm Stephen Sondheim. Yes, the great Stephen Sondheim. Shut the fuck up, for real? Certainly. I'm Stephen Sondheim. Yo, I'm not going to lie. I'm a huge fan.

I'm a huge fan. Thank you. It's good to meet a fellow American. You hear his American accent. Of course. I'm from New York. New York City. That's right. I don't like that barbecue sauce.

Yeah. So what an honor to meet you. This is an honor, man. I was ready to kill people. Good, good. I was ready to kill a bunch of people. If you were Andrew Lloyd Webber, I swear to God, I would have cut your own throat out. I wouldn't blame you. Who likes that fellow? It does terrible music. Stephen, tell us about the creation of Sweeney Todd, if you would. Oh, my God. That would be a dream. Well, it was quite easy, really. That's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's lying. Shp, shp.

What the hell did you say? Freiburg. Andrew Lloyd Webber, he's a liar. Freiburg, Freiburg, Freiburg. Please don't listen here for a second. We're going to have a private conversation. Oh, so just don't listen for a minute? Yeah, just don't listen. Okay. I'll be over here for a sec. Okay, sure. Sondheim, man. Fucking good to meet you, bro. Thank you. Fucking great to meet you, son. Just go off into the corner for a second. I want to talk to you. I'm going to sit on top of this Freiburg. Don't get confused. Okay. Four of all. Yeah.

Come on, man. I'm afraid of him too, guys. You got to get me in on this one. We need a code word if anything goes wrong. Good point. Okay. Well, I suggest a code word, possibly Freibolt grab. Yeah, I think that's perfect. I don't know if that's specific enough. Maybe a shorter one. Well, I was going to go longer. Okay. What did you have in mind? Interdimensional. I'm in no position. Interdimensional forval grab. Yeah. I can't.

I guess we could try it. No, it should be. No, don't grab me again. I'm not doing shit. No, no, you're the regular form. Fry vault. Because if it's fry vault grab, we might grab the fry vault. You're right. Of course. So if we say, if we make the code word interdimensional fry vault grab, we'll know exactly what to do. Yeah, then no one will be confused. I fear we may forget this code word. Ah.

What shall we do to remember it? I have one idea. Yes, I'm open to suggestions. Wait, I have two ideas, actually. No, just the one. All right. I think that we could make a mnemonic device out of this. Oh, I see. That's a brilliant idea. That's quite good, yes. Okay, well, Forval, perhaps you have some idea of what the I could stand for. Yes, we'll go round robin. Okay, great. Yeah. Could you untie me first? No.

Oh, no. I get it. Don't bother. I... Is it difficult for you to come up with... I'm sorry that I brought all this upon you, my brother Fryvault, who is also your brother and you. Right. That's not too hard to remember at all. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Wait, are you talking about my Fryvault?

The interdimensional fry vault. I'm a little confused right now as to who Fry Vault is. Oh, I thought you were talking about my fry vault in which I keep my fries. Let's try to keep the term and the proper name Fry Vault out of the mnemonic device. Well, it is a proper name as a term as well because it's a copyrighted name. It's a brand name. Yeah, it's a brand name. Much like Kleenex. Yeah.

It's the thing that's come to mean any sort of vault wherein people store fries. Yes, of course. Yes. And some microwaves. Yes. Yes, certainly. So – I'm sorry for the I. I'm sorry that this is about to go down. Certainly. Very simple. I'll take the N. Okay. Nay, it is I who should be sorry.

for inviting such a plague upon this studio with my brilliance that you admired in the first place. N, of course. I just did N. Sorry, what am I thinking of? T. This is already too hard for me to remember and we're only three in. T. Try to remember that T is the next part of interdimensional reality.

Forval Grab. Perfect. E, right? Correct? I believe so. I don't spell too good because I never went to school. Oh, wait. I went to school. I'm an orphan boy. I went to school, though. Please. Paradox. Go ahead.

Oh, wait a minute. I have a picture of my yearbook here. It's disappearing. That's right. Of course it is. Oh, no. Oh, no. I never went to school. Now I'm not so good. No wonder I messed up the T for the N. Gotta go to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and correct all that at some point. I hate dances. All right, go ahead. E is for erasing all of the badness and getting back some goodness in our lives. Okay. Aw.

Rage, rage against this interdimensional menace who is attempting to kill us. Do I have a hyphen or do I have a D? A D. Okay, great. Domo erigato, Mr. Roboto. Perfect, perfect. I was going to suggest that. Okay, great. All right, I? I'm sorry once again for doing all this. I'm welling up again. I never meant to hurt you. And your tear basin is almost full.

I just want a good home for everyone. Oh, my goodness. I'm so touched. All right. Where are we? M to me. May I say, I think we should do something about this murderous interdimensional traveler. Okay, good. And I believe I have an E. Is that correct? Is that how you spell dimension? Yes, it is. Okay. Every good boy loves fudge. And deserves it. Yes, of course. Every good boy loves and deserves fudge. Okay, let's amend that. All right.

Do I have this amendment approved? Yes. We need a quorum. The motion is carried. Carried. Fantastic. All right. Now we're N? Yes. Never let this happen again if you ever go back in time. Never let it happen again. I will remember that. Thank you so much. Thank you for remembering. I believe we're at S. S. I'm a snake reminding you that the time is now to prevent yourselves from being stabbed. Very good. Very good. All right. I...

I just want to say I'm sorry, guys. I know that, Forval, you're apologizing and I feel like I need to apologize because – Thank you. That means a lot. Because I never realized – you know, I think sometimes we get mad at things that remind us of ourselves and our own humanity and I think that's – I say this seems like rather a lot to remember. OK. I'll just – I'll amend it to I'm sorry. Yeah. Is the amendment taken? I ratify it. We already have a couple I'm sorrys.

Easy to remember. Maybe we should change to it's been. Oh, okay. It's been. Great. Is that amendment ratified? Is that all right? So noted. Okay. What letter are we on now? Oh. Oh, boy. I'm sorry. I think we already have. Oh, boy. It's been. We can always use a couple it's beens. I'm fine with that. N is next, I believe. Yes. N. The letter N.

Very good. Okay. Is it interdimensional or interdimension? I can't remember. Interdimensional. Interdimensional. Interdimensional frival to grab. Okay, so sorry. All right, A. We got so far to go. All right. A is, of course, A. Fonzie came back a second time. Of course. Not about too soon. No. All right, L. L for...

Let's just let's just kill this fucker before he does anything. He's sitting in the corner We need a code word though to do that. You got it. So we're at the end of interdimensional Well, that's what he's here for he's a time Bobby he's here to point out the inconsistencies It's all paradoxical but in the end we all had fun if

Finally, it is the time to grab this interdimensional scoundrel and wring his neck unto death. All right. R, really, we should grab this scoundrel, and we should do it now. I... I think...

Wouldn't it be a Y? Fry-Vol? Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. The brand name Fry-Vol. Yeah. I was thinking fries. Like there was multiple. God, thank God. There's not multiple fries. There's a ton in there. I mean, I had a small fries, but there's a ton of fries in there. I mean, it's just such. You lied to me. We'll get back to that later. No, I had a small fry, meaning that.

The bag that the fries were carried within was a small bag. All right, all right. It's not a lie. We're on the same team now, so I'm okay with that. Even if I did lie to you, I'm going to admit I did lie to you. Yeah, I was always honest with you. I never lied to you. I did lie to you, but you can't do anything about it because you're— You lied to yourself, Scott. I did lie to myself, and I've been doing that for so many years. It's much easier to live life that way. The easiest lie to tell is a lie to oneself. Ah, so true, so true. Where were we? Why? Why? Yo, yo, yo, what's up, son? What?

Maybe that. Okay, yeah, definitely that. Cashier. Yeah. The victory shall be ours once this interdimensional person has been dealt with and we can carry on with our lives the way God intended. A, of course, is for A. Fonzie came back one last time. He's got it. He's going to save the world someday. He will. You...

Ursula, the sea witch from The Little Mermaid, another reference. Not to be confused with the enchantment under the sea dance. No, two different things. Two totally different things. I'm going to say, Ursula, if we had an octopus lady to kill this man, we would be in a lot better situation. We would definitely be victorious. However, we're just three men. Just three men and a baby. Sure. We should talk about the baby who came in at some point. Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout. All right. Yeah.

Of William Shatner drowning his wife. Of course. L. L to be. La, la, la, la, la, la. Let's grab that interdimensional scoundrel. I wondered when this would turn into music.

Yes, it took its time. Yeah, it really did. Just then. We probably should have started with a song. Those are very easy to remember. Those are. Oh, yeah. Why did we think the mnemonic device part was? Well, you can't argue with success. You should have started with like a Jesus Christ Superstar song. Yeah. Probably. I guess we're at the end, right? We're at T? Yeah.

Yes. All right. T, of course. No, we still have grab after that. Oh, no, we do. Okay. Thank you very much. So sorry. Indeed. Okay, so. Thank you, little Vorval. That was a close one. We would have forgotten this demonic device otherwise. Yeah, we never would have gotten it straight. T stands for tendencies. We all have them, and ours is to grab this interdimensional fry vault. Gee, gosh, we've been doing this for a while. We've got to get an easier way. Yeah, of course, of course. R. R.

Ding, ding, ding. Great. I'm afraid people are going to think there's a D in there somewhere. Because of the ding? Indeed. And then mine is, of course, A for A! Fonzie came back. We thought he was done. But he's actually has one last time. Forgot Grab was in here and he decided to come back and save the world one last time. Which leaves us now. With B. Yeah. Which I think should stand for Brotherhood.

Because now we are bonded together as three against one. I feel like we should do... I love that sentiment. I feel like we should do some sort of blood brotherhood between us. Yeah. So why don't I open up the Fry Vault and get one of the knives out? I have a bunch of knives in my bandolier. Okay, great. Let me just open it up here and...

It worked. It killed these dumb motherfuckers. Give me that thing! I was a spy the whole time. What? I'm going to stab the shit out of you. You motherfuckers came in here. I can't hear them. Fucking apologize. No. Your majesty, mobilize the corgis. You sons of bitches. They're in cahoots. I'm going to kill you. You guys don't understand. You ain't Sondheim. I'm no Sondheim any day. You ain't no fucking Sondheim, man. You never be one. You never shall be one. Here come the corgi.

Okay, I'm back

I went back through time. Wait, where did Fryvalk go? He disappeared. I killed every other version of myself. Scott, you did it, Scott. You did it. Everyone but you. But it worked. I came here to help you. Forval, no one's buying your story. You never could have done this without me. You're a terrible monster and everyone knows it. Andrew Webber, you're killing me over here. Andrew Lloyd Webber?

He got rid, or he got loose of the handcuffs, if you would do the honors. They were very tiny plastic handcuffs. They were super easy to get out of. If you would do the honors of webbing him up for me. It's been a while, but I'll give it a shot. How long has it been? It's been since I was a child, but I'm sure the old skills will come back to me. Here we go. Please web him up, if you would. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Well, you know what? I deserve this, and I don't care. Okay, that's enough web, man. I'm all tired. I don't even need room to breathe. Just stab through the webs, Lord Webber. I left his face uncovered. Okay, I'll just cut up his face. It's a bit grisly, but you can stab through the face. Well, I did want an open coffin for his mother, my mother. Oh, no, she's there. That's right. Never mind. So it doesn't matter. Okay, I'll just stab you in the face. Look, guys, in summation, I just want to say...

I know that our friendship has been a torrid affair. Some ups and downs. Mostly downs. A lot of downs. Threats of violence. Much like downtown Abbey. Oh, shit. He hates that. I think you do that on purpose sometimes. I don't think so. I don't think so. That can't be true either. I don't even know what you're talking about. I just want to say I know that I've been a bad, bad boy for so long. Yeah. But I did it for you, Scott, because I am you.

I'm still going to stab you. I'm still going to stab you. No, I get it. I'm fine with that. Let me grab the icicle that's been in the fry vault for a while and I'll just stab you to death. Got it. I hope it hasn't melted. Look, I understand. I know. I know. You're right.

Here we go. Here's the icicle. Say, have you made your peace with God? I have no regrets. I came and I helped and I'm going to die happy. And this is probably the last episode of the podcast because I'll be stabbing myself to death. Yes. And I won't exist anymore. Stabs the reason, yes. Okay. So here we go. Here's that icicle and... What? It's just water. It's just water. It melted in my fry vault. Those are cursed fries. That's why I never eat them. They're not helpful. Well...

I guess I can't stab you with that icicle. Yeah, you can't. But we can take you all webbed up and cast you into the Los Angeles River. And drown you to death. But I would deserve it, I know. Yeah. I mean, really, if we do that, there's no way he could ever come back. No. No. I would be at the bottom of the sea. And your webs don't dissolve after an hour like Spider-Man's. Spider-Man. Sorry.

I don't think so. I've never tested it. Okay, well, it takes about an hour to get to the river. Right. So we'll probably just, he'll be in the trunk all webbed up, and by the time we get to the river... Yes, I imagine the web will hold just as long as we need it to hold. Until we get to the river. Yes, certainly. Or I could turn the tables right now. No, you shan't. I mean...

The tables have turned is what I'm trying to say. Well, how? You're all webbed up. It's impossible. Nobody beats Forvo ever because I'm from the streets and I'm smarter than everybody when it comes to that stuff. I don't understand what you mean. You're webbed up. You're incapacitated. Am I webbed up? I say he doesn't seem to be webbed up. I can't help it. It's my stabby way. I'm turning into scraps. Until we meet again. I'm slipping into a comma.

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