Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 3 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)
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Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs, of course, are when we re-release great, great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And we are in the middle of a great series right now.

Look, I've said these episodes are great, and this is a great series. It fits. These are, of course, the Time Bobby episodes. We're in the middle of re-releasing these. And coming up now, we have Time Bobby 3, the third in the series. This was originally released on May 12, 2014 as episode 286.

It features Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan as a three foot one inch tall old man with a long white beard. Is this God or could he possibly be Forval, the time traveling stab, happy orphan?

We don't know. You got to listen to this to find out. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other episodes featuring either Paul F. Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan or other people, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes and bonus shows like CBB Presents.

Scott hasn't seen, Collegetown, The Neighborhood, listen. We have all of the past episodes from the archives. So much stuff over there. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang

Tony Danza's final stanza awaits you grim with tired limb. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you, the Voblex, for that incredible... Oh, all of the Voblex contributed to that catching freeze. Do you own a Voblex, by the way? Yep, you know...

I'm embarrassed to say I bought one. I never use it. It's under the bed? Yes. Yeah, I understand. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. And to the listener, welcome to you as well. But I originally... First me, then the listener. Because of status. Status. And I, first of all, am Scott Aukerman. And boy, before we get to it, weather report. Just in this room, kind of hot. I'm wearing kind of a bulky sweatshirt. It's hot in this room.

It certainly is. It's hot in this room. Are you doing your vocal warm-ups first, by the way? It's hot in this room. It's hot in this room. All right. I gleaned a green gargantuan thing.

Oh, the classic warm-up. I gleaned a green gargantuan thing. Of course we could go on, but we don't have time at this point. And so we will. Yes. Great. Here we go. And ten more minutes. Rather bother farther weather. Weather report. Go. Okay. Very hot in Los Angeles here today. Yes. I don't know what's going on. I mean, it seems as if the weather fluctuates.

It does seem that way. I would prefer it to remain constant. This heat is only fit for mad dogs and this guy. Hey, by the way, who has two thumbs and likes it hot? I've always meant to ask you that. Englishman. Okay.

So every Englishman has two thumbs. Okay, that's well established at this point. The thumbs of Englishmen are a constant sale. Because you need them to constantly give the royal queen the thumbs up. Yes. She needs a lot of affirmations. Encouragement. Yes. You're doing great, your majesty. Keep it up. Yep.

So, I would- Of course, Queen Victoria used to roam the kingdom. What? And ask passersby, how am I doing? Didn't she have a number as well? Like a 1-800 number? Yes, she did. It was the first one of its kind. Ask me how I'm doing. Ask me how I'm doing. And then tell me how I'm doing. Don't like my governing? Call 1-800- EAT-SHIT. Well-

Of course, in those days, you couldn't come right out to say that. No, in those days, you had to spell the numbers out. Yeah. And then as you were doing it, you realized, wait a minute. Hang on.

I'm being told to dine in a most unseeably fashion. Um, but, uh... I would love it. I would love it. I would love. I think that if you move to a place, there should be a constant temperature, and then just, that's your lot in life. Yes, but only if you move to a place. Now...

The thing that's throwing it off is native Angelenos. Yes. If they would all leave, the weather would remain constant. If the last surviving native Angeleno were to leave the county lines. To move somewhere else. What could we do to get them outside of the county lines? How do we incentivize it, you're saying? Yes, entrapment. Or trick them. Is it an incentive or is it a trick? Well, I don't know.

I'm up for both. A trick is like an incentive with no reward. What about an illusion? Oh, David Copperfield's trick. Yes, yes. What are you? I was looking to turn myself up because I can barely hear myself and I love to hear myself in this. It's a blessing to hear one's own voice. Yes. Amplified, microphonically. Mm-hmm.

And to have upon one's head. Yes. Heading phones. Heading phones. The very contraptions with which to hear those voices. The very contraptions, dear boy! Now, let me... Introduce me. Yes, but let me introduce myself, or did I not already? Did I say my name was Scott Aukerman and this is Comedy Bing Bong? I can't imagine anyone can. Okay, great. Well, then let me introduce... Are you a guest? Let me introduce you. Is that one of yours? No. If only it were.

And as I recall, it was Let Me Entertain You as well. But it was the original version of that introduced? I was doing a parodical version of it. Oh, are you getting into song parodies? Much like the Vicar of Yanks. Weird Alan Yankovic.

Where is the vicar of Yanks these days? We just had him on the show recently. I understand he purchased a satellite. Did he? Yes. He purchased an entire satellite up in the air? Or do you mean a satellite dish? Oh! Up in the air. Yes, not one on the ground. Like George Clooney? That's right.

Oh, up in the air. And then, of course, George Clooney was also in Gravity. What is his obsession with space travel? He loves the sky. He does. And practical jokes. Do you think that someday he'll turn his career to under the ground, like some sort of Mole Man type of career? I believe that most devoutly.

Tis a consummation. Devoutly to be wished. You have two wishes left. Oh, good. Boy, I'll save those up for another program. But you know him as the writer of several musicals, including...

Gosh, I want to say Annie... Hall? No. I was going to say... That's not a musical. Nor did I write it. I just said Annie, hoping you would co-sign. You did not, but then I'm going to go for Get Your Gun? Oh, the musical Annie. Yes. Then there's Annie Get Your Gun. I wrote no Annie.

Annie-centric musicals. They should make more Annie musicals, shouldn't they? I think they should make three more. Okay. So Annie Hall, of course. Annie. We have Annie, Annie Get Your Gun, Annie Hall, Annie Hall.

Any way you want it, that's the way you need it. Any way you want it. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. We've talked about jukebox musicals several times, I feel like. Yes. Who was it that you wanted to do a jukebox musical for? There was a certain artist that you're obsessed with. Thomas Kinkade, the painter of light. Yes, I believe it may have been that. If only he were a songwriter, what do you think his songs would be like?

Let's see. What would, if Thomas Kinkade were a songwriter, what would his songs be like? I'm trying to set you upon a path to maybe inspire you. I am being inspired. A country cottage covered with snow. This is beautiful. A single candle glows in the windowpane. Lord Webber!

I had read recently that you –

Don't want to write musicals anymore? No. What is it? No, you don't want to write musicals anymore. I don't want to write musicals anymore. Why? Why? I think I've said all that needs to be said. So let's see what you've said. You've said the Josie and the Pussycats. Yes, right. Okay, so that was your first one. And then G... G... G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band. Okay, so you have one of those. That's right. And then you did E... E...

Eve of Destruction. Eve of Destruction. That's right. And then cut to, smash cut to, in fact. I did smash cut to? If you're going to cut to something, smash cut to it. It's always, it gives so much more energy. I wrote smash. Yes, you wrote the smash musical, of course. The musical within the TV show Smash. A lot of people didn't know that you wrote that. What was that again?

The musical, the Marilyn Monroe musical in Smash? Bombshell! Yes, you wrote that. Yes. Yes, wow. I ghost wrote it. Yeah. Why did you ghost write it? Why not put your name on it? I wanted to feel like a ghost. Were you successful? I thought it would give me a glimpse into the afterlife. Did you see anything? Yes. Terrifying visions. Really? Yes. Is there a man with a big white beard sitting on a cloud out there? No. No. There's a red fellow. Oh.

Holding an oversized fork. A pitching fork? A pitching fork, yes. The very thing. Oh my goodness. Andrew Lloyd Webber, I hope you never die because you have an eternity awaiting you. I feel as if hell awaits us all. Oh, that's nice. Anyway. So why are you not writing musicals anymore? Tell our listeners. I would rather devote my remaining years on this planet. How many do you have remaining? I would say roughly 40.

You think so? Yes. Why? How old are you? How do you put it? Well, I mean, aren't you in your...

I wouldn't not care to speculate how old you are, but I was... I am a man of a certain age. Your seventh decade, perhaps? Thereabouts. Okay, so... But lifespans are longer, Scott. That's true, and the singularity... Oh, I can't wait for that singularity! Oh my goodness. What is that again? We're all going to become ones and zeros? Yes, we're all just going to get our minds downloaded into machines and live forever. Yes, yes.

That's when I'll start composing again. Not until then, until the singularity. Yes, I'm waiting for the singularity, and then I'll be literally a songwriting machine. Ha ha ha!

I've been called that many times, but I'm going to make it come true. Andrew Lloyd Webber is here. Hello. I think... Welcome to the show, by the way. Thank you. When was the last time you were on? I cannot keep track. It's been quite a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. Since I've been on the program. Yes, of course. Welcome back to the show. You are one of our...

favorite guests or at least one that has been on a lot. Is that fair to say? Oh, it's, I was going to say that's kind of you to say, but then I no longer needed to say that because you retracted the kindness with the second half of your question slash insult. Okay, great. So you've been on the show. I've been on the show several times. When did we first get to know each other? I think I enjoyed it once. Was that the time you had amnesia?

What? Okay, never mind. Didn't you have amnesia in one episode? How would I remember? Okay, sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up. I know that's a sore subject for you. I think the last thing someone who's had amnesia would remember is having amnesia, dear boy. I'm so sorry. I mean, one would think that you would remember the fact that you had it and you woke up from it. I don't know why one would think that. I'm one, and I don't think it. All right, all right. But welcome back to the show, and you...

You know, it's been so many years we've been doing this show. It's been many, many years. We've just celebrated our fifth anniversary doing the show. Oh, congratulations. I think so. How did you celebrate, by the way? Well, we had a...

Stop knocking on the table, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm not knocking on the table. Why would I do that? It's distracting for you to knock on a table. I'm certainly not knocking on a table. Well then, Engineer Cody, would you... Hello? Do you hear that? Are you alright, Cody? Hello? Is it this fellow? No. Wait, Cody, how are you... I'm saying hello. How are you saying hello without your lips moving? Hello? I feel as if...

There is a presence in this room. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to look to my left and then I'm going to look to my right. That's a splendid idea. I shall do the same. I'm also, you know what? To hell with it. I'm going to throw in looking up as well.

As well. All right. I say. Yes. I look down so all bases are covered. I'm going to look behind me, behind myself. I'm going to go left and right. I forgot about that one. So I'm going to do all of those. Shall I do them concurrently or would you like me to wait my turn? You do them concurrently with me and then also add looking down, which I think is a waste of time.

So I'm not going to join you in that. Well, I'm a gentleman of leisure now, so I have the time. Okay, well, shall we begin by looking to the left? Yes. All right, here we go. Oh, my left or your left? We are facing each other. Camera left. That's always the opposite. I'm sorry, stage left. Yes.

Downstage, upstage. Okay, upstage is because the stage used to be on a rake. Downstage, upstage, all around the town. Okay. Yes, another vocal warm-up. That's right. We don't have time for that. All right, let's look stage left. Here we go. And... Hmm. What was that sound effect? I don't know. Is the great kazoo appearing? Nothing there. Nothing there. Nothing stage left. Although I do hear that noise once again. I again heard...

A distinct hello. Yeah, a greeting of some sort. Hello. There it is again. Nothing to the left, though. Nothing to the left. Shall we look stage right? Let us then look stage right. Huh. Hello. Nothing. Nothing. I did hear that hello again. I heard the hello again. But it's not to the right or the left. Which should we do now? Up or behind ourselves? Let's look up. Okay, here we go. And... Nothing heavenward. Some fluorescent lights. Just the ceiling. Well, yes, we...

Nothing unexpected, I should say. That's true. I did see something. It's not a surprise that fluorescent lights are there. I saw four fluorescent lights. I wanted to report back. Yes, I did as well. Thank you. Just to make sure we're simpatico on the same page. Certainly. I'm sure the listener enjoys being included. All right. Let's look behind us now because this is where I believe we're going to be seeing the source of this noise behind us. I say. Yes.

How if I were to look behind you and you look behind me? Oh, okay. Let's do that then. All right. I feel we'll have to move each other's heads to the side. Yes. Well, I think we can move our own heads to the side. I would prefer if you moved mine and I moved yours. All right. Here we go. Don't resist me. Stop fighting. Stop it. I'm not. I'm unaccustomed to having commoners move my head. Nothing. Hmm.

Well, I guess nothing's there. Well, there's one direction we have not looked. Now, you consider it a waste of time. I will not look down. Allow me to do so. I think it's a waste of time. I don't know why you would do that, but... Are you as I please? And I please as I do. But watch yourself. Hello. What? Scottrick, look. Look where? Look down where I'm looking. That's a waste of time. No, it's not, I swear. Really? Yes. Convince me. Sell me on this.

Please, will you say hello one more time? Hello. Strange visitor. Hello. Do you see this grizzled little gnarled tiny man? No, I'm not looking down. Please, Skoltric, I beg of you, look down. I just wanted you to beg. How dare you. Make a lord beg on a podcast. Where else would you beg? No. All right, well, I'll look down then because...

Do you see this little wizened creature? What is that? He's a little man. He's a little old man. We were talking about an old man with a white beard before. Yes. We were talking about what you're talking about. Speak of almighty God. But this is... I am not God. No one is God. No one can be God. Only God. There can be no God but God. Correct. Yes.

You have a... But you have a beard, is what I think I was trying to say. You have a large white beard. It's a glorious beard. It's glorious. Lord Andrew, shall we describe what we're seeing to the listener? Yes, let's. Also, maybe say hi. Oh, hello. Hello, little old man. Don't just describe me. I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but...

That was kind of rude. You are correct, sir. It's just common courtesy. You say hello to somebody. Yes, I apologize on behalf of myself, Scottrick, and Her Majesty the Queen of England. Don't be a fucking asshole. Well, there's no call for that kind of language. We have apologized. Well,

That would be rude. That's true. Okay. Hell-O, as they said in the old country. Hell and then O, which is the origin of that word. There was a dash. Correct. Hello, strange visitor. Hello. Now can we describe you? Please do. Okay. Well, this...

Vision is... Three feet tall. Three feet tall. That's being generous. Three foot one. Oh, I do apologize. Three foot one. Okay. Three foot one, which is about 37 inches high. And... I'm not positive on that, but I just don't do math too good. Uh-huh. And wearing sort of tattered clothes. Yeah. Clothes of rags and patches. Like some sort of muffin made of rags.

What? Like a muffin, but made of rags. Like a ragamuffin kind of thing. I believe you're misleading the listener to think this fellow is wearing a muffin. Yeah, I'm not a muffin. No, no, but he's a lot like a muffin. He's a man. He's not a muffin. He's a man. I'm a little old man. I will say I fucking love muffins. Please, but language. Sorry.

We all love muffins. Let's describe this. He loves muffins. Yes, he's a muffin lover. He's tiny. He's wizened. A beard as long as he is. That's true. It's about 37 inches long, this beard. I would say 34 because it starts at his chin rather than his head. But if you look all the way down to the ground, it's about four inches that are dragging on the ground. It is dragging on the ground, yes. So it's about 37, I would say. The end of my beard is very dirty. You're stooped.

Elderly. Wizened. Face lined. Kind of shaped like a question mark. Careworn hands. Your body is shaped like a question mark. It's very interesting. Well, a fat question mark. Well, but what's interesting is why is the period separated from the rest of the question mark? How are you able to do that on your body? It looks like your shoes are the period and then –

Do you know what I'm saying? I think it's that his socks are the same color as the wall. Oh, okay. Yes, yes. Well, hello, strange visitor. Hello to you. It's nice to meet you. You're very strange and you're visiting us. Thanks. Welcome to the show. This is a show. This is a podcast. This is a show. A show? Yes, you're on a show. When I was a kid on television, you would see shows that I don't see.

I don't see it, so I don't believe you. When he was a kid, he's saying he used to watch television shows and you would see them, but he's not seeing this. You're telling me this is a show and I don't see nothing. Well, imagine we're on the other side of the television screen and also imagine this isn't on television. That's black magic. I don't...

I don't know if I'm cool with that. It's actually white science. Yes, the very opposite of black magic. That I'm cool with. Okay. So when you were a kid, you used to watch television. I'm guessing you look about 90.

Yes, maybe ask her. Today is my 90th birthday. Oh, happy birthday to you. Well, we would sing happy birthday to you. But we don't want to owe money to those two miserly crones, Mildred and Patty Hill. I dated both of those ladies. What? Yeah, yeah. When? My ex-girlfriend. 1900. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You were born in 1924? Well, 90 years ago from today was when I was born. Okay, 1924. 1937. What? When you were 13 years old? Yeah, I dated both of them. I see. What a precocious child. Yeah. My goodness. So, wait a minute. You were 13 years old. If I'm remembering correctly, Patty...

was born in 1868. 1868, yes. Okay, right. Everybody knows that. So wait a minute. She would have been in her 60s when you dated her. Yeah, she was like in her 60s, yeah. So you had a sort of May-December romance. Yeah.

I've always liked the older ladies, you know? It's more like a January-December romance. Yeah. Or February, the very minimum. At the bare minimum. More like... Perhaps a February-November. Yeah. Or perhaps a little boy having sex with an older lady. Oh, yeah. That's a little more of an accurate description. Thirteen. You're just a little boy. Yeah. Yeah.

I've always said, though, if there's grass on the field, play ball. I'm sure that it was. I've always said, if you got a penis, you might as well have sex with a 60-year-old lady when it's time to do that. You've always said that? Ever since the day I was born. My goodness. 90 years ago. How long did you date Patty, and then how did you date both of them, and how long?

Three-part question. How long did you date Paddy? How long did you date both of them? Mildred. How did you date Mildred? And how long did you date both of them? You see, I was living on the streets when I was a kid. Rough and tumble sort of life. Yeah. Were you a ragamuffin? I was. I was a little scamp. Ah.

An adorable little scamp. Were you an urchin by any chance? Oh, yeah. You would classify yourself as an urchin? Correct. Certainly. I feel like I've met something. A street urchin, not a sea urchin. No. Oh, that's an important distinction. An important distinction, yes. Very much so. But both of them, they must remain in their own element in order to survive. If you throw a street urchin in the water, he'll die. Ha, ha, ha.

He cannot beg copper coins. If you throw a sea urchin on the street, he'll die too. Very quickly, yeah. You were an urchin of the land. Correct. And I feel like we've met someone like that in our life. Yes, we have. I do like to think about it. I can't recall who it was. I've done too many of these shows. I can't remember who it was. Remind me after the show. Certainly. In any case, three-part question, go.

So, three parts were... Excuse me, I just threw up a little bit. What is wrong? Outside of your mouth? I somehow threw up outside my nose and it went in my mouth. Oh my. The worst experience I've ever had as a human being, I'm not going to lie. I didn't enjoy the experience of hearing about it. I'm sorry you had to say that. I'm very old. My body is falling apart. Oh no, is it failing? Yeah, I've been on the streets for way too long. How long have you been on the streets?

Since I was a little baby boy. How long? So how long has it been? It's been about... It's got to be... 89. 89 and a half years at this point. So it's at six months you were cast out. Well, at four months. The first two months I lived with a very nice man. What was his...

Oh, we don't need to hear about the nice man because we're in the middle of a three-part question. Yes, exactly. Are we even in the middle of it? No, in fact, maybe. I feel like we're just riding alongside it at this point. Yeah. Let's get to it. I say let's jump into that sidecar of hilarity. Indeed. And let's get into this. How long did you date Patty? I dated them until they died.

I dated them until they passed away. Until they died. Yeah, well, of course they passed away. If I'm recalling correctly, they passed away in 1946 on probably sometime in May, May 25th, I would imagine. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You remember the day that they died? They died on the same day? Well, I know Pat. Was it a car crash? No, it was not. As soon as I'd had a crash? No. Stabbing.

Stabbing. Stabbing. They both died of stabbing. Interesting. Wow. I never heard that about... I mean, I know a lot about Patty Hill. I know a lot about Mildred Hill. Sure. I know. And together we're...

Knowledgeable. Oh. About the Hill Sisters. I was going to say the guys who knew a lot about the Hill Sisters. Okay. Yes. That's the same way of saying it, but you classed it up. I don't like to. Yes, I don't like to refer to us as guys. What would you prefer? Chaps. Chaps. Okay. Really? Now, that seems low class to me, to call you a chap or a bloke. Okay.

No, chap is very proper. Yeah, well, I guess that implies friendship. It's a more casual guess. What does chap stand for? I know it's short for something. Constantly hearing airplanes park. Great. Because only the rich, you see, back in the old days, had access to airplanes. Of course, nowadays it means you live close to an airport, which is actually the shittier part of town. Isn't that funny? Language. I'm so sorry. Like this wizened old man. Eiff.

Oh, hello. Watch your mouth, or I'll come over there. Oh, yes, and what will you do? This guy. This little fellow. He has two thumbs. He can defend himself. He's an Englishman. I'm an Englishman. The constancy of my thumbs is not... You should never go at somebody unless you know they're not packing.

Packing. Packing. We were just talking about airplanes. He must mean that he's... Are you going on a trip, old boy? You might be going on a trip to heaven in a couple moments. I don't think so. He's obviously going to hell. We were just talking about that before you walked in. You're missing the larger point. That was a threat. Oh.

You don't say. This little old man just threatened my life. This tiny, wizened old man... Dear. With a beard as long as he, threatened you, Lord Webber? Yes. Four inches of beard, on the ground, dirty. Dragging behind himself like a wedding train. Yes, socks the same color as the wall. How dare he? Very idea. Where I'm from, you call ahead, find out what color the wall is, and you change your socks. Where I'm from, we're ruled by an old lady. Yes.

Where I'm from, you have sex with 60-year-old women and then you don't talk out of turn or you get sliced up. That's what I'm saying. I see. My goodness. Oh, boy. This is not on. Yeah. We're not off to a good start. I don't think we are either. Look, all I know is I was walking down the street. I heard your voices and I woke up outside of a time machine. Okay? And I stood up and I said, I'm starving. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. You did what now?

Did I stutter or something? I don't mean to imply that you stuttered. It was a surprising bit of information. I think my ears must be deceiving me, and I wish they would stop it, quite frankly. Skortrick, if your ears are deceiving me, they are deceiving me as well, because I believe I heard the same thing that you heard. If my ears are deceiving you, they are deceiving you as well? Yes. Okay, that makes sense. Yes. It sounded, if I'm not much mistaken, old fellow, it sounded as if you said you woke up... Please call me Volvo.

What did you say? What? He's an old fellow. I don't... I mean, that's rude. He just called me by my name. My name's Forvo. It cannot be. What's this? What's the problem? Well, this certainly can't be the Forvo we know. Scottrick, of course not. The Forvo we know is a little boy. Tiny little boy. And yet, I feel as if...

This fellow has many of the same characteristics as the four of we know. And don't forget, I can't believe we're glossing over this. He did say he woke up outside of a time machine. Oh, yes. He did say that or was that our ears deceiving or my ears deceiving you twice? Your ears, I think, have taken a break from the deception business.

I had hoped that would happen, to be quite honest, because it's been 40 some odd years. How long? It's been 40 some odd years. I'll just say it's been a while. It's been a while. But this is an odd situation to be in because A, his name is exactly the name as Forval the Orphan that we knew. Yes. B, he's 37 inches tall, which if I am accessing the recesses of my mind correctly, I believe... Computing. Beep, beep, beep, boop, boop, boop, boop. Oh, the singularity is almost upon us. I wish it was here. Yeah.

We're here, forgive me. The Forval we knew was about 36 and a half, 37 inches tall, I recall. Yes, yes, yes. He was about three hands tall. Yes. Yes, okay. And three hands high. Human hands. Human hands, of course, yeah. But if I was gauging how high a horse would be, it would be about three hands. That's a small horse. Well, no, but Forval. Oh, I see. Using the horse hand system that we all use. Horse hand. To compute how...

Tall someone is. Not a horse's hand, by the way. No. It's a hoof. It's a horse hand system, but not a horse's hand system. That's where a lot of people get confused because they say, how tall is that horse? Oh, it's about 20 hooves. In any case, my point being, Forval is the name. Three feet tall. Yes. Has access to time machines, which I believe our Forval was some sort of time... Bobby? No, his name was Forval.

Yes. I was attempting to complete the phrase that you had begun. Time policeman is what I was going to say. Yes, which where I'm from. Where is that? Magical land ruled by an old lady. That's right. With access to corgis? Yes. Access to all the world's corgis. And other dimensions. We say we –

A sort of nicking name for policeman is Bobby. A policing man. A policing man. Yes. Bobby. Oh, is that? Okay. So did we talk about that one of the last times you were on the show? I think every time. Okay. Okay. Okay. So now put those three things together. One plus one plus one in this case is not adding up to three because this couldn't be the same four of them. Because the four of them we knew was young. Yes. But I thought you were going to say it.

that it all adds up to this being the same four-voll. Oh. Oh, I never thought about it from that angle. Yes, because you see the time machine. Time machine. Yes. I do think we shouldn't overlook that.

That's probably maybe the most important thing that he said other than his name. He also seems to be flying into some sort of murderous rage and has said that he's packing something. Yes, he's threatened to slice me up. Yes. Well, you know what? I feel like we should follow up on this. That said. My detective's instincts are kicking in.

That said, we do need to take a break. Oh. Forval over there. Oh, Matt Forval. Sorry, I fell asleep a little bit. Napping, of course. Yeah. It's a thing that the old do. Uh...

It's getting harder and harder to stay awake. I understand. I understand. Yeah, you and all your relatives, I'm sure. You're a napkin. I may even be in my 70s, so I know a little bit about it. How did you know I have relatives? Do you know who I am? I was just saying you're a napkin. Do you have information about me that I don't know? No. What do you mean? That's what I need. What is this napkin business? All of your relatives who like to take naps. You're a napkin. Yes. I see. I...

We need to take a break. Do you know what a break is, Forval? Yeah, we had breaks nine years. We've had breaks. Jesus fucking Christ, Scott. Leg rid face. Scott, right? Forval, I was frustrated. How did you know that? Well, he called Scott Rick and the others, and I don't see anybody named Rick, so I just cut it in half. Deductive reasoning. Interesting. Well done. The Forval we knew had a bit of deductive reasoning.

Do you know a forval, too? Perhaps. We knew a forval. But I want to get to the bottom of this. That said, we need to put our program on hold. I wish there was a better way to describe this, but we need to take- What program? I don't see a program happening. We're doing a program right now, you see. I don't see it, though. You see, you're speaking into a microphone. That's what this is? Yeah. What did you just think was a long black cylindrical thing that we were sticking in your face? Yeah. Yeah.

All right, well, I wish there was a better way to describe this, but there needs to be a time period in which we are not doing the show. I'm trying to explain it to you so you get it. A time period in which we are not doing the show where we rest and we don't... Oh, like a commercial break. Oh, you do know what it is. You've established that he does. Okay, sorry. Packing cigarettes with ladies' legs and come dancing by. Maybe. Maybe.

That would be great. That would be great. I would love to see that. Let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves a treat. Let's do that right now. When we come back in just a few minutes, Lord Webber and I will talk to you a bit, if that's all right. Wait, that's Andrew Lloyd Webber? Maybe. Tell you what, why don't we cut to a break? I'm Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yeah, let's cut to a break. We'll follow up on this when we come back. Okay, come back with Comedy Bing Bong. Here we go.

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Comedy Bang Ball. I'm not saying this right. Comedy Bang Ball. Comedy Bee Ball. Comedy Bee Ball. Comedy Bang Ball. That's it. Okay, welcome back to the show. We're here with a good fellow named Andrew Lloyd Webber. Sure. Could be any of the Andrew Lloyd Webbers. Who knows how many Andrew Lloyd Webbers there are in the world? I feel like there's only one. Well, it's a crazy coincidence. Well, speaking of there can be only one. Speaking of crazy coincidences, forward slash, there can be only one.

We're talking to also a man named, and you are a man. You're a man. Yeah, of course. Even though you're short. An adult man. I've always wondered that when someone is as short as you, can you really call yourself a man or are you constantly a boy even if you've grown up? Don't talk down to me like that. Are you kidding me, Scott? Very rude. I just did, you know, Scott, you know, I come here looking for answers and help and you treat me, you say that I'm a little, did you?

This is ridiculous how you treat people. Please, please, Mr. Forval. Back in my day. Mr. Forval. Very sorry. Please, Mr. Forval. Put the knife. Put the knife. Wait, it gets worse. I got another knife. Why two knives? He has two pockets, that's why. Oh my God, I hope he doesn't have any more pockets. Please, please, Mr. Forval. Okay, I'm putting them away. Put them away. We're all friends here. Calm down.

I'm a very confused man. Wait, are you afraid as well? I'm terrified. Why? Because I don't know who I am. Oh. You know that your name is Forval? Correct. That's all that you know? And that you used to date Mildred and Patty Hill? Who can forget those ladies? How did you know your name was Forval? Look, I'm trying to tell you, and then you went to one of your little stop parties or whatever you call it. Yeah.

I woke up in front of a time machine. Okay. I lifted up my beard. I'm covered in tattoos. You are? Yeah. And some of them tell me information. This one here on my forearm says your name is Forvo. And why would your forearm lie? Correct. I've never known my body to lie to me before. The body does try to tell us things. Sometimes your ears, though. Sometimes.

Sometimes your ears can be deceptive. Correct. The ears are the liars of the body. I have one tattoo on my ear and it says, you're Nell Carter. I don't believe that one. You're not. From Gimme a Break? Yeah. No. I don't believe that one. Never believe that. Never believe your ears. Never believe your ears. Never believe one's ears. Your ears are like the Johnny Knoxville of the body. They're playing pranks on you all the time. A pair of jackasses. No wonder jackasses have such large ears.

Scottrick, I say, you've cracked the case. Sput. Sput? Sput. Sput. Sput. Let's crack this case. Now, for the audience, Sput, of course, stands for? Scottrick.

Please understand this. And then it goes, yes. Spot. Spot. Scottrick, please understand this. We need to crack this other case, is what I was trying to say. Correct. Now, Forville. Yes, Forville, yes. Forville. Is that how you pronounce it? He's not a town. I'm not a town. I'm an old man. You, uh...

You're what? I'm an old man. You are a man, though. You're not an old boy. I'm an old man, yes. Okay. Do you have a brother, Gary? Yeah. You do? Yeah. From the Batman franchise? I haven't seen him in years. The Batting Gentleman. Yes, of course, the Batting Gentleman. I see. He was great in that. He plays the commish. He plays the commish. Yeah, just...

It's a reboot of the commish that Michael Chiklis once played. That's right. What was this commish lacking? Hair. Let's reboot it. With a guy with hair. This time with a guy with hair. With Forville's brother.

Okay, so what do your other tattoos say? Have you lifted up your beard to look at anything else other than your forearm? Yeah, I woke up... It's interesting that Fourville has a forearm. Well, not really. First of all, it's not Fourville. I'm pretty sure it is. It's not Fourville. I feel like you're really laying into that ill. It's just Fourville. Like you just said, like naturally, Fourville. Fourville. We've done two shows with him. He's said his name quite often. You've done two shows with who?

This other Fourville that we know. Please. It's like Downtown Abbey. Fourville, Downtown Abbey. Even I know that's fucking wrong. Anyway, let's get back to this. Of all the times for ears not to be deceptive. Correct.

You've lifted up your beard on other occasions, have you not? Well, yeah, but this time I woke up and I was all confused and I was at the foot of a time machine. Not of the head? No, no, I was at the foot of it. I say, was this time machine? You could tell because the pillow was near the top. Yeah, was this time machine shaped like a bed? Well, yeah, kind of like, almost like a telephone booth bed.

It was almost like a novelty bed for rich children. Yes, rich children who love to sleep in phone booths. Yeah. Like a Doctor Who mixed with bed knobs and broomsticks kind of situation? I mean, maybe, kind of, yeah. Were there any broomsticks about? I believe I was next to a Home Depot. I guess that place is filled with them. Yes, that's true. Okay, well, that's a bit of detail. But I didn't see them with my eyes. I just saw the Home Depot. How did you know it was a time machine? It was clearly marked.

I was clearly marked. Yeah. Oh, okay. The first thing I did when I woke up was say, what the, where the fuck am I? Language, language.

Yeah, I'm using language to speak, asshole. What's your problem? I'm trying to tell my story and you're interrupting all the time. Lloyd Webber, if you could. Yeah, if you were the real Andrew Lloyd Webber, I would give you the respect you deserve because you're a brilliant man. But since you're some other guy, maybe I'll just treat you like a fucking asshole that you look like. How's that sound? Fair enough, I suppose. Yes. Okay, so for Bill. Let an old man finish his story. Respect your elders. I do apologize, sir. That's a great point. Thank you. Should we, by the way, where I'm from, you call someone who's older than you an elder. Oh, are you from Scottville? Scottville?

Scotland. My apologies. I'm the asshole in that situation. It's not Scotland. It's Scotland, yes. Of course, Scotland is what it used to be called. But we call someone by their surname. Surname. Do you have a surname?

That I could call you Mr. whatever. A second name, as it were. Mr. Forville. Should I just call you Mr. That sounds like I'm your servant if I'm calling you Mr. Forville. I don't know any information about myself. So I'm trying. I don't know if I have a last name. What other tattoos are there under your beard? Great question.

The first tattoo I saw, I woke up all confused. No recollection of anything. The first tattoo I saw, it said your name was Forvo. Great tattoo. Great tattoo. Was it reversed so you could see it in a mirror? Why would he need to see it in a mirror if it is on his arm? Well, if it's on this part of the forearm. Well, on one side of the arm, it's right. And on the other side of the arm, it's backwards just in case. Like an ambulance. Yeah, yeah.

Sure. Correct. So... My second tattoo says ambulance, and on the back it's ambulance backwards, and it says, ha-ha, you were always a kidder. Interesting. Yeah. Strange...

I thought that one, I guess I was a hilarious little scamp of a boy or something. Yeah. Okay, I have a question, but first, any remaining tattoos? Yes, there was one that said, don't eat that scrap, that's Dave Davidson's penis. Uh-oh. Dave Davidson's penis.

I think I got, I must have spelled it wrong. Dave Davidson from The Guy in Crane? Correct. I guess. This is a more accurate title. There are a lot of misspellings. Yes, The Guy in Crane. There are a lot of misspellings, so that's another problem I'm having. Yeah. I don't know what's right and what's wrong. You're an unreliable narrator. Correct. That leads me to this question. Who do you suppose tattooed you with these tattoos? The only thing I could think of is it was me.

You put these tattoos upon yourself. To remind myself. As a reminder. A series of reminders. Yeah. May I see the one on your forearm? Sure. Can I say, though? They didn't seem to have helped because you still seem to not know. That's why I'm here. I'm not finished with the tattoos yet. Oh. So fucking...

Let me finish. Not Andrew Lloyd Webber. Certainly, Mr. Ford. Please do continue. May I see it, though? Yes. Those are exceptionally well done if you did them yourself. Thank you. Oh, I guess the one on your left arm is better done than the one on your right arm because you would have had to have used your left hand.

Correct. Yeah, maybe that's why it's spelled wrong, too. Yeah, that's probably why. I do have a hard time spelling when I'm writing with my opposite hand. Yes, that's the first thing that gets messed up, the spelling. Your brain gets confused. Well, I never realized that that's how you spelled ambulance backwards. Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. Is it? How did you think ambulance was spelled backwards? I always just imagined it would be, I don't know, I guess I thought it would say ambulance. How often have you thought about it? Once. A day. Four. Five.

35 years. Do you think I sound like a musical robot? And for 35 minutes a day.

For 35 years. What? Are you all right? Yes, of course I am. What the fuck is happening? I don't know. I don't know. That may have been a path. You have a 90-year-old man in your room who has no idea where he's from and all these tattoos, and you're just making nonsense talk. That happens not often, I have to admit. I do have to admit that fact does not happen a lot. I admit it, have to, that not often does it happen. Yes, of course.

For all, I pray your indulgence. Would you please not listen to us for just a moment? Sure. Yeah. Is this going to become like a reoccurring thing now? I can't imagine. I guess the guy who just time traveled.

We'll just sit in the corner and wait and not figure out his life or get help from the people because there was a tattoo that had this address and said, please find Andrew Lloyd Webber and Scott and they'll explain everything to you. And then the last tattoo said, beware of Fry Vault. But I guess I don't know what that means. So go fuck yourselves. I'll be in the corner. Yes, perfect. That's great. I hope I don't fall asleep. Scottrick. Yes, Lloyd Webber. I think we may have to...

Tell Forval who he is. Who he is. That's dangerous, yet at the same time he already pulled on us. Yes. So it's— It might be more dangerous to conceal the information from him because if he does discover it and we have not helped— That's true. Surely he will pull knives on us. If someone like our engineer Cody or someone were to beat us to the punch and tell Forval who he is, we wouldn't want that to happen, right? So we should probably do it ourselves. So Cody, back off. Please do. Back off.

How should we do it? How should we break this to him? I feel we should do it in steps, should we not? Yes, yes, yes, yes. In stages. Yes. And we should name these stages. Yes, okay, great. Sort of coding words. Okay. For us. Okay, how's... So the first stage, I'll holler out so we know to begin. Mm-hmm.

The word stage one. Stage one. And will the one be a number or will it be spelled out? It will be spelled out. If we were to do it mnemonically, which is I'm assuming how we would figure out what these code words would be. To remember them? Yes. Yes. Using the mnemonic system. In order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device and so.

First stage is called stage one. By the way, in order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device. We remember that from I-O-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-D. Yes. Yes. We always say that back and forth to each other. Yes. Yes. So in order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device. Yes. Or to put it shortly...

T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-D. Of course, yes. And I remember that because Trapper John MD was my favorite TV show. Yeah, that's how I remember it as well, yes. Of course. Okay. Yes. Peniel Roberts, taken from us too soon. Oh, and Nell Carter. Stage one. Stage one. How will we remember this? Say, time and guys.

Say time and guys. Excited over new wigs. Wigs. Okay. Say time and guys excited over new wigs. Wait. That's going to be- Where did that W come from?

Wigs. I mean, I am excited over new wigs. I'm always excited over new wigs. I think maybe you got ahead of yourself. You're thinking about some of your new wigs that are being shipped to you. I was thinking of the word new. Right, of course. And I was incorporating that into stage one, which it does not belong there. Obviously, say time and guys excited over new. That makes a lot of sense. New encyclopedias. Encyclopedia. Encyclopediae.

So that seems very complicated. Why? Say time. Why do you say that? Say time and guys. Time and guys. Over new encyclopedia. Say time and guys excited over new encyclopedia. I mean, look. What is the problem? I've committed to memory. I-O-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M. Well, I've committed adultery.

Okay. So? When did you do that? Was that with Sarah? Oh, years ago, years ago. Was that with Sarah Brayman? Yes. She was the one that you committed it with? Yes. With whom you committed it? Endopon. Oh, I don't want to follow up on that. Oh, don't you? Okay, so say time and guys excited over new encyclopedia. Okay, I'm on board. I think I can remember it. I've said it a few times.

Say time and guys excited over new encyclopedias. Yes. Stage two. Stage two. That should be the name of the second stage. I guess it should, but how are we ever going to remember that? I say, what if we employ a mnemonic device? Oh, you mean I-O-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-D. Yes. Okay. Trap it on. So, stage two. Okay. Simply terrific about...

Every... Simply terrific about... Sure. Gabardine... Gabardine? Elephantine. Elephantine? Simply terrific about Gabardine... Gabardine Elephantine... Oh, uh... Uh... Tear-stained. Simply terrific about... Gabardine Elephantine... Tear-stained wigs...

Finally, the wigs. I knew it would come into play. Onomatopoeia. Yes. Okay. Couldn't be simpler. Simply Terrific about gabardine, elephantine, tear-stained wigs, onomatopoeia. This is getting very hard for me to remember. Even using onomatopoeia, which is one of my favorite devices in the English language, this is getting a little difficult. Would it help if we remembered onomatopoeia?

Onomatopoeia might be. So we would use onomatopoeia when we want to do stage two. How would we do it? Would we say like splash or something like that? Well, the spot, of course. Spot. Okay. Why don't we just say spot? Scott Rick, please understand this. Yes. And the third and final stage. Okay. Stage three. I would call it. Yes. Stage three is a wonderful title. As good a name as any. Yes. Okay. I think it's the best name. All right. Stage three. How should we remember stage three? Hmm.

We would say solo, I would imagine. Are you proposing using a mnemonic device? Oh! As we have for the first two stages? Okay, we may as well since we're on that tactic. Okay, let's do that. So solo. Transport. Transport, great. Aphrodisiac. Okay. Okay.

And then... Garden gnome, all one word. Garden gnome, because he sort of looks like a garden gnome. He's cute like that. Yes, he does. He's a cute little stabby garden gnome. Garden gnome is two words, though, I do have to say. Yeah, not in this instance. Oh, okay, great. And then, of course, there is Euripides. Yes. From the theater. That's homage to you. Solo transport, garden gnome Euripides. Wait, the A.

Did we miss the A? No, aphrodisiac. Aphrodisiac. Solo transport aphrodisiac. I do apologize. And then we have, of course, threesomes. Yes, we do. Weber, are you feeling a bit randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Are you having a laugh? Howard the Duck. Certainly. All one word. Okay. Regicide. Regicide. E.E. Cummings.

But then don't say Cummings. Yes, just E-E. Okay. So Solo, Transport, Aphrodisiac, Garden Gnome, Euripides, Threesome, Howard the Duck, Regicide, E-E Cummings. E-E. Okay, great. Perfect. But do put Cummings in brackets so that we'll remember the E-E. No problem. I've been working on my bracket lately. All right. So here we go. Madness. So...

I think it's time. Let's call Forville over here, shall we? Yes. All right. Forville! Oh, have you fallen asleep, grandfather? Sorry. I was sleeping in the corner. I used this almanac as a pillow. It seems very hard and not comfortable at all. Very soft almanac. Were you having a nice dream?

I don't know. I don't know if I'm dreaming or if I'm awake anymore. Currently you're awake. I am? Yeah. Thank you for telling me. You were dreaming not seconds ago. Is that almanac yours or was it here already? I was in my pocket when I woke up. What year is the almanac from? 1937. So you've had it all your life? I guess so. I don't remember most of my life, so I don't know. Lord Webber? I've just been going off these tattoos.

Say, time and over... Sorry, never mind. Say, time and guys excited over new encyclopedia. What are you saying to me? I'm sorry, stage one. Oh, stage one. I'm sorry. Fawful. Yeah. We have some information for you. Oh, thank God. First of all...

About me? Yes. So it was right I came to the right place? Yes. So that means you are Andrew Lloyd Webber. Well, that's more of a stage three sort of... He's going nuclear option. I'm getting ahead of myself. It's quite all right, quite all right. Dear old fellow, we have met before. But when we met, you were a tiny little boy.

Yes. A little orphan. Just a little orphan. You were just a little orphan boy. A child of the streets. We never were able to ascertain your age. Downtown. You lived downtown. That's your home address. I lived downtown. When your life's a mess, you live downtown. Where depression's just status quo.

Down on Skid Row. Someone tell me a way to get out of here. Cause I constantly pray I'll get out of here. Please won't somebody say I'll get out of here. Someone call Lady Luck cause I'm stuck here. See, I got you saying it. Downtown. What did I say? Yeah, I knew it. So...

When we knew you, we were unable to ascertain your age. We asked you several times point blank. You would never tell us. Is that true? That's very true. What a dick thing to do. Well... But you were young. We could tell you were young. You were clearly a little boy. Mm-hmm.

Clearly? Clearly. Clearly. You were clearly a little, just as clearly, you are now an old man. And yet you may ask yourself, we are not old men. No. How could we know you when you were young? Yeah. Yes, why have we not aged as you have? Maybe, maybe this tattoo will help. It says things will not be what they seem.

Lord Webber? Yes? Simply terrific about gabardine elephantine tear-stained wigs on him, Ophelia. The fuck is it? I quite agree. Was I a good kid or a bad little boy? Well, that brings us to stage two. You were, to put it mildly, you were a bit of a handful. Oh, no. Yes, you were very violent. You were more than a handful, which is how I like them. You mean titties, right? You mean big, fat, juicy titties? Well, I...

Is that what we're talking about here? Are we getting down to that kind of guy talk? This is not a gymnasium, Forval. We are not getting down to that kind of guy talk. Forval, you were a very violent little boy. Oh, no. And you'd stabbed many, many people. Why? You had eaten your own brother. Oh, no. You had nibbled on...

Jay Davidson's penis. Yes, it's true. So who's this Jay? Is that like Day Davidson? It's like that, but... Rather like, rather like Day Davidson. Yeah. That's why I got all these knives of all different shapes and colors. Yes. Including a few icicles. Yeah. A piece of raw meat, cooked meat, and there's all sorts of things here. It all seems somewhat familiar somehow. You have a lot of family, a lot of brothers. No sisters, as I

At least we've never asked about it. That we know of. There's a list of names. It says three-volt, four-volt. That's right. It skips five-volt for some reason. It goes six-volt, and then there's a fry-volt. Fry-volt, yeah. It says at one point you lived with Ray Parker Jr. That's correct. I think. Yes. Yeah.

It says all of that on it. Yeah, I got a little fat little man. I got a lot of space. There's a lot of... Yeah, you have a broad canvas. I mean, I could say it. Okay. You know, Scott? Okay, I apologize. But really, you have a lot to work with. Watch your back, bro. Watch my back? Really? And your front, too. Come to think of it. That's really... Mostly throat area. Oh, okay.

Yeah, you have... Should we tell him? Tell me what? I'm coming here asking for questions and I need help and now you don't tell me the info? Patience, patience, patience. It's time for a solo transport, aphrodisiac, garden gnome, Euripides threesome. Are you having a friggin' stroke? What is happening? It's almost like a tween. Is that how you talk these days? Did I miss something? Uh,

Howard the Duck, Regicide, bracket, E, E, bracket, end bracket? E, like E, E, coming? Yeah, like E, E, coming. Stage three. Stage three, yes. Four of them. Yes. I believe...

The children on the future? Yes. Hold their hands. How do you know that? And let them lead the way. It's a tattoo. The whole lyrics tattooed. I showed somebody and they were like, well, that's the lyrics to a Whitney Houston song and evidently she passed. So rest in peace. I had nothing to do with that one. Okay. That's good to know. Good to know. Yeah. That's good to know.

Wait, you didn't sell cocaine, did you? Yeah. Oh, well, you shouldn't have done that. Indirectly, then. You shouldn't have done that. I needed the scratch. Did you also sell heroin to anyone recently? Oh, boy. No, but I did... David Brenner? No, but I did get paid $14 and some scraps to drown William Shatner's wife. Oh, his wife? Um...

My goodness. Gracious even. Great balls of fire even. We should probably go full stage three nuclear option and tell him who you are, Lord Webber. Lord Webber is indeed the Lord, Lord Webber. I am that, Andrew Lloyd Webber, for my sins. Creator of Josie and the Pussycats. Famously. Eve of Destruction. E...

Eva Longoria. Eva Longoria. Of course. I created her. And deliver us from Eva. E from entourage. Yes, he's the creator of E from entourage. Turtle.

How is Turtle these days? Turtle's wonderful. Thank you for asking. He's got very thin. Yes, he did. I was worried about Jerry for a little bit, but he's really turned his life around. He really has. Have you seen him in Lone Survivor? I have. Yes, yes. He was wonderful in Lone Survivor. Oh, fantastic. Yes. Small part, but there are no small parts. Just small actors and Turtle.

He is a small actor. He's teeny. He's an E though. He's even tinier. Even tinier. He is about 33 apples high, like a smurf. So, Forval, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber. It's an honor to meet you. I'm such a fan. Well, we have met before, of course, when you were a tiny little boy. Wow. But now, it seems as if you've traveled through time from your own future to our present, which is your past. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I'm trying to get this straight. You came from the 30s, where you grew up, into a 13-year-old boy, which I'm assuming is older than when we knew you. Yes, that's true. When you started dating the Hill Sisters. Correct. So, you must have gone straight from here into some sort of time machine. Maybe you built this time machine?

It said, the last time I looked, I had a tattoo that said, you will return to this place to right the wrongs that you did. And then that was crossed out, and it was a check. It said, done. And then it said, go back to tell Scott the real truth. Oh, now then.

The last time you saw a fool. It's a lot to take in, I know. It's a lot to take in. And that's a long tattoo as well. Yeah. That must have really hurt. It's pretty much my whole left leg. Yeah. The last time. The bottom of my left leg just says, you love peach and apple.

And I noticed you were drinking one. It's true. That was an easy one. And you're about as big as a peach snapper. That hardly seemed worth the tattoo. Yeah. As a reminder that you loved it. You know what, though? I'm not going to lie. The stuff is delicious. I'm glad I was reminded of it because I don't know if I would have just picked it right first. So you don't regret the tattoo? No, that one I'm fine with. It's all the other ones that confuse the fucking shit out of me. Everyone's taste buds are kind of different. You know what I mean? Yeah, everyone knows that. So some people just really love the peach snapper. I think you'll find most people's taste buds are exactly the same. Really? Yeah. Huh.

Science. White science. White science! Science! She blinded me? With science?

Why would she do such a thing? Why would she? So, the last time... Should we talk privately or should we... No, I think the time for privacy is over. Yes, let's get it all out in the open. Please just give it to me straight. That's all I'm asking. You two seem to be my only friends. Scottrick, I don't know how much of this you remember. I don't remember anything after that show and I never listened to it back again. I don't know how to put this...

Plainly and clearly, please, Lord Webber. You and Forval. We'll remind you that I'm still Lord. I did address you as Lord. As such. But you yelled at me as if I were a serving boy. Just trying to help, you know? Calm down, Scott. Thank you, Forval. You and Forval, Scottrick, are actually the same person.

The same? At different points in your timeline. That seems completely impossible. And yet, time travel has made it so. Really? Skodrick, of course, you'll remember that you're a time bobby.

Oh, yeah. I remember. Does that seem familiar? Yeah. Now that you say it, that way. Yeah. I remember now. Yes. So you have the ability to travel backwards and forwards in time. Backwards and forwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Policing time, as it were. Sure, yeah. Righting wrongs that have been done by time travelers. Yes. Yes. Yes. And Forville. Forville. Yeah. Forville. Jesus Christ. You've got me doing it. He is your...

Past self? No. He was your future self. What? Look, you know, it's hard to figure out and may not even be canonical. Because I may be dead, by the way. Oh, that's right. You may be dead. I may be dead. I remember hearing that, yes. Yeah, and this all may be just happening in my imagination. I can't believe that you two are the ones I have to rely on to figure out who I am because you seem to not know. Sometimes you just go into nonsense talk. Well, why don't you go visit the Comedy Bang Bang Wiki?

You came to us! What the hell with the wiki? I don't- Don't even- Okay? Put it away! I'm just trying to help! Put it away! Are you just trying to help? The last tattoo says you're a good boy and you were just trying to help. It says lift up your head, wash off your mascara. Here, take this Kleenex. Thank you. I gotta wipe this lipstick away. Show me that face! Why are you wearing- Clean as the morning? I know things were bad, but- Hey! But now they're okay. Now they're okay.

Suddenly formal. How do you know this? Is standing beside me. He don't need no tattoos or makeup. I don't have to pretend. Yes, you can.

Suddenly, Forvo is here to provide me with hopefully some answers. Hopefully some answers. Forvo's our friend.

I felt it was best if I just dropped out. I probably should have as well. How did you know that? We must be the same person. We must be. Well, how did I do it then? Maybe it's just a popular song. It's an established song. I've forgotten mostly everything I know. That's an actual song. You've got to keep me posted. Thank you. Yes, certainly. You know what? I feel like we need to take another time period in which we would not do the show.

Oh, another stop party? What was it called? Stopping party. Stopping party. Partway stop. But partway stop because we're going to continue. Yeah, sell some cigarettes to children. Sure. So kids, take up smoking. We'll be right back after this stopping time. Yeah.

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Welcome back to Listen to Your Heart. I'm Jerry. And I'm Jerry's heart. Today's topic, Repatha, Evalokimab. Heart, why'd you pick this one? Well, Jerry, for people who have had a heart attack, like us, diet and exercise might not be enough to lower the risk of another one. Okay. To help Noah afford risk, we should be getting our LDL-C, our bad cholesterol, checked, and talking to our doctor. I'm listening. And if it's still too high, Repatha can be added to a statin to lower our LDL-C and our heart attack risk.

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I say, Fawful, you try saying it. Big Bang Theory. Big Bang Theory. That's what it is. You're clearly the same person. Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast. Not the television program. Pod, pod, podcast. Pod, podcast. Welcome back. Welcome back to the show. Podcast.

Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the show. The 19th. Paul Hardcastle, of course. Let me... Science? She blinded me with science? Sock it to me? Sock it to me. We're here with Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm, of course, Scott Aukerman, your intrepid host, and we have an

an old man guesting with us. Very hungry old man. I'm hungry as well. By the way, I'm sort of hungry too. It is lunchtime. Old jokes aside, I'm actually pretty hungry. You're not special in that case. At what point, Four of All, I know we have to pick up some threads that we had left behind. Oh yeah, just these threads that are on my life. I have some questions. Just nonchalantly swing that around. At what point

do you call yourself an old man? You know, like, what age was it or did you realize it? That's a good question. Certainly, this is the topic that needs addressing the most right now. I just wonder because... At what point does an old man realize and accept the fact that he is old? Yeah, is it retirement? Or is it like at 65? Yes, is it a number?

Is it just a feeling? A number of wrinkles upon one's face? Is it when someone says, hey, old man? Yes. Do you receive any sort of notification from the government? I have a tattoo that says you're an old man now, so that's how I found out. So the first time you read that tattoo, you realize I am an old man? One time I was looking at a little chippy on the street, a little lady, and she said, ew, that old man's looking at me. And I was like, oh, boy. Yeah.

Confirmation. Yep. No more. Time to stop hanging out at colleges. You were hanging out in colleges after you got out of the time machine? Oh, yeah.

That was your first stop? Yeah. I thought the tattoo said to come to us. I was looking for scraps and it just happened to be, you know. Old habits die hard. Tell me about it. You were by a Home Depot. I was by a Home Depot. Next to a college? Yeah. Okay. I mean, is that so crazy? Wait, what? Dormitories need the supplies. Wait, is this a college in Boston? Yeah. Oh, okay. I know which one you're talking about. The Boston area? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, so, anyway, so, you just knew you were an old man coming out of there. Well, yeah, I got a beard down to my toe, it's a little dirty at the bottom. Still, I've seen some young hipsters who have beards crazier than yours, Forval. It's true.

They have competitions. Beard Wars. What was that IFC show that they used to make me be around? That's correct. They used to make you be around it. Yeah. Beard Wars. Beard Wars. Yeah, that's what it was. With Jack Passion. Jack Passion. Yes. That's a powerful name. Or did you say Drac Passion? I wish that I had said Drac Passion. Yeah.

Drac Passion. That's a great character name for something. It's actually a good name for a clone. It really is. Drac Passion. Drac Passion. A clone like Boba Fett? Yes, a clone. The most famous clone. Yes. So I feel like we're getting wildly off topic. Why? Played by the incomparable Jeremy Bullock.

Jim J. Bullock played Boba Swag? I'm sorry, I said it wrong. You are correct, Jim J. Bullock. Scott Rick, I feel as if you need to, if I may quote the Jerky Boys, clean your ears out, Jerky. Oh, they're just deceiving me again. That's what it is. Okay. Good advice from the Jerky Boys. Do you think they refer to themselves as Jerky Men now? I hope so. I read that Rolling Stone article about them. You're acting like a real rubberneck. I believe I was quoted in it. Listen, sizzle chest. Yeah, piss clam, come on.

All right, back to the topic at hand. Here we go. Forval, we need to figure out what happened to you because as far as I remember, the last time you were with us, do you see this iron contraption in the corner here? Yeah. And do you smell Frenching fries? I do. They smell delicious. I'm starving. They're sort of a prize that we give ourselves when we have completed a good show. Wow.

That's correct. Do you think we'll get them today? Oh, I hope so. Oh, man. Is it for us to judge? It's more for the historians to decide. I want history tells us we will eat those frigid fries. But anyway, this is what we call a fry vault. Okay. Okay, now that is- I got that tattooed on my arm. That said- How am I related to that? It is unrelated to the tattoo on your arm. That seems like it would be a coincidence, would it not?

Because there is something else called a Freibolt. Oh, boy. And that is your blood relation. Yes. By which we mean brother. Well, oh, no. My brother. Your brother, Freibolt. It says, beware of Freibolt. Yes. He's a terrifying fellow. He's terrifying. As violent as you are, he makes you look like a bloody pacifist. Oh, no. He makes you look like a jerky boy. He makes you look like Leo Biscaglia.

A reference I heard recently on another podcast. A good one. So he's your brother and he's dangerous. He's bad news. We met him the last time we saw you when you were a little boy. Oh, yeah.

Dalai Lama would have been a better reference. Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama. Yes, of course. I stayed with the Dalai Lama for a little while. Before you got to us? Yes. You went to the Home Depot or you passed? Took many, many detours before following the advice of the tattoo. Pretty much all over the place. Now why did you wait so long? Hold on a second.

Did you wake up at the foot of the time machine as an old man? Yeah. Oh, all right. Good. Yes. Good. Well, I thought maybe he woke up, you know, as a little boy. And then he just took his time. I'm not very good with time because I don't have a calendar. So... It does make things easier. Yeah. It really does. Yes. Also, your appointments. You can keep track of them. Yes. Many appointments. Many appointments. Yeah. So...

You woke up next to that college in Boston. I guess, yeah. Right. And then you – You seem to think it's in Boston. You had a very like almost condescending way of – Very specific about it. I wish I understood what anyone was talking about. But you understand. I get it. I get it. Oh, no. I'm well aware that you understand and that you understand.

Because I don't understand you, sir. For the sake of finding out more information about my life, I'm willing to move past this, sir. So, then you stayed with the Dalai Lama for a while. Yeah. And then you made your way to us. How long were you with the Dalai Lama? Until he passed. What? Is the Dalai Lama passed away? You're saying the Dalai Lama has passed away? When? Why? Where? The reporter's questions. I have a better question. How? And also, whom?

I stabbed him in the face. Why? Why? In the face? Why did you stab him in the face? It's gruesome. I was sleeping and he said, it's time to get up before... What the fuck do you think you are, bro? I'm sleeping and just... Pow! Right in the kitter. Walking Dead style? Yeah. What's that? What's a Walking Dead? Oh, it's a television program. Do you watch The Walking Dead? I do watch The Walking Dead, yes. Yeah, no spoilers though. Oh.

Is Rick still alive though? Give me that. Yes, he is. Okay, good. When are we recording this? Uh, who knows? He may be dead. He may be dead at this point. Yeah. Uh,

What about the Flocking Dead? Never mind. We'll get... Okay, anyway. So, you stabbed the Dalai Lama. He's dead. I did. I ran away and I stayed at a very nice actor, Steve Ewan's house for a little... I believe it's Jan. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't pronounce that correctly. No, you certainly didn't. Why? Is he a famous actor? What hell was he... Is he a pawn? He's a pawn with the Walking Dead program. Oh, what a quink... Quinky dink. Quank dook. Quank dink. What a canker sore. Yeah. So...

How long were you there with him? Until he died. Wait a minute. Now, for a vote, I... Well, fake die. I... He's just on the show? I think it was just makeup. Oh, okay. You think it was just makeup. Well, he tricked me. He's the only person to ever survive my wrath.

Because he put on zombie makeup that was lying around the show. He tricked me, yeah. Oh, so you came upon him, thought he was dead. Like Bill Murray style and... Yeah. Zombieland. Zombieland. That I've seen. That I've watched out of the dolly. First thing I did when I woke up. Certainly. I don't know.

I have a tattoo that says, do yourself a favor, go to a red box and get yourself a zombie lamp. Once I found out what a red box was, I bought that. Is that still a thing as of this recording? Red box? I'm not sure. I do not know. It just stopped. Oh, wow. Yeah, no one needs them no more. Did the Dalai Lama have a personal one in his... Of course, he's the Dalai Lama. Why do you think he was so serene?

So we'd all be we could all be as serene as the Dalai Lama if we had our own personal red box. I like to think that's what Netflix is, is your own personal red box. What's a Netflix? It's impossible to describe. It really is. How could how could one describe a Netflix? Do you know envelopes? Of course. Well, do you like a lot of them lying around your house? Yes.

Have you ever wanted to store movies that you would never watch in a sleeve of paper? Have you ever wanted to pay a company to store a round thing in your house? Yes. Have you ever felt like you wanted to be a movie warehouse? Yes.

And pay someone for that privilege. Up to seven movies at a time. Yeah, you could do that now. Yes, you could pay someone for the privilege of being a movie warehouse. Yes. Wow. That's kind of what we're talking about. That makes complete sense. Have you ever wanted to impose a weird guilt on yourself? Yes. That you didn't know even existed? No.

Then there also is a weird guilt of DVR clearing off your DVR. There's a lot that you have to catch up on. Yeah, I'm sorry. There's a lot that I missed. A lot of guilts for modern people in our society. A lot of guilts for modern people. I imagine things were simpler back in the 30s. Very simple. I mean, all I did all day was hit a little circle with a stick.

That's all I ever did. I had a blast. Yeah, you just hit it with a stick? Did you ever try to get the circle to stand up and then... And roll it around? No, I never thought of that. You just were hitting it? No, I just beat the living shit out of it while I was on the ground. Why? We called it Beat the Circle. Who called it? You and the Hills? Me, the Hills, Alfred Hitchcock. What? Alfred Hitchcock? Yeah. He was a big movie director at the time, doing movies like Foreign Correspondent and the like. Until he died. Al Fulville.

I hesitate to ask this question. How did he die? He was taking a shower. No. This is ending up to be highly ironic, I bet. How so? He was taking a shower. Sure. In a hotel. Okay. Keep going. I don't know why. I don't recall at the moment, but I happen to be dressed as an old lady. Is that so? I think so. It might have been Halloween time. Oh, okay. I think so.

And I just, there was this song playing, this weird song. It was like, I don't even know if you can call it a music. On a jukebox, a jukebox of some sort. Squillex. I stabbed the shit out of him. I opened the curtain and just stabbed the shit out of him. And chocolate syrup spilled out. Sure. How did you know? Not blood. No, not blood. Back then we didn't have blood. We used chocolate syrup. Chocolate syrup. You used chocolate syrup in place of blood in your body. Yeah. Can I ask, when the curtain was drawn, how could you tell it was him? I mean...

By his silhouette, I would imagine. By his profile, yeah. His profile. When the curtain was... Before the curtain was drawn. The shower curtain. When it was drawn, yeah. Or I guess... Drawn open. Drawn shut. Why are we talking about this? Before he did it, I actually drew a picture of what it looked like anyway. Also, so...

I say, if I were Alfred Hitchcock. Sure. Oh, and I hope that one day you are. Who knows who you are because you lied the first time. If I had a famous silhouette, I would put it on the outside of my showering curtain. And then I would endeavor to walk into that silhouette. I would too. Before every shower. Oh, yeah. I would make a silhouette of myself naked too.

And I would give myself, you know what I'm saying, down there. Oh, man, then I would try to fill that up every time. Yes, absolutely. Lord, whoever, you are in a ranty mood. Perhaps I am. I've weakened my hunger state. Do you fancy a shag? Wait, do you want that now or later? Wait, I thought that you said that you, were you going to provide him with a shag? I don't know. I just wanted to know if he wanted it now or later. That made me hungry for now and later.

So let's get back to business! Sorry, yeah. You're in danger! You're both in a great deal of danger! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

A new? Yeah. Oh, no. What is this new problem? That's the problem. I must have ran out of ink. It says, tell Scott Rick and Andrew Lloyd Webber that fry very carefully. And it just, and then it make no sense after that. I think what may have, because I'm looking at your body.

Okay. So am I. Weird. Oh, boy. It seems as if you've run out of canvas. Maybe you just ran out of space, but have you looked everywhere on your body, including the places that you can't look? Maybe one of us should look in one of these places. Scottrick, you should look. You're trying to say you want to look at my asshole? I don't... I think he is trying to say that. I mean, I was going to say where the sun doesn't shine. Yeah, my asshole. You...

Do you mind turning around and grabbing your ankles? Yeah, I got no problem with that. No problem with that? Here we go. Here we go. All right. And there she is. Trousers down. Scottrick, what do you see? All right. Well, first of all, he's a very tiny person. Yes. And he has a very tiny. Exceedingly small. He has a very tiny anus. It's time to reason. But it seems as if he's tattooed around the circle of his anus. It's a circle. Thank God. Yeah.

Wait, what? What did you think it was? I've never seen it before, so I was always afraid maybe it was like one of those Play-Doh spaghetti house things or something. Like a star or something? Yeah, I was just hoping it wasn't going to come out. It never occurred to me to be worried about something like that, but now I am. You've never seen it. Who knows? Exactly. You never asked the Dalai Lama to take a look down there? No, come on, man. That guy was nice. One doesn't ask the Dalai Lama. Not even Steven Yeun? He got away. Okay, well...

He's the one who got away. Let me see if I can... I need a magnifying glass of some sort. Oh, here's one. Oh, thank... Where are you going? Oh. Well, your monocle is also a magnifying glass. Yes, that's right. My goodness. I need to attach it to some sort of a stick, though. Oh, here you are. My sept up. Oh, okay. So I'm attaching Lord Webber's monocle to his scepter, and I have some sort of makeshift magnifying glass. Yes. Let me hold it up to your anus. Circular, by the way. Looks good.

For those listening at home. Ow! The window's open. You just burned my asshole. Oh, sorry. Pull the shade. Let me draw the shade shut. I see two words. I'm going to have to turn my head in a circular fashion in order to see these as they're not straight lines. Certainly. So let me read them as I turn my head. Yes, thank you. Fry-vault. Fry-vault? That's my brother. Or...

Or, we're in one store, fringing fries. Oh, God, the suspense is killing me. So it may be referring to either of these. Yes, at this point, we do not know. Returneth. Fryvolt returneth. That's weird. Huh. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Fryvolt returneth. Fryvolt returneth. It sounds like he's coming back, but with a couple extra letters.

In a biblical fashion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm wondering why wouldn't you just say returns? I don't know. Maybe you like the pain of the extra two letters. Perhaps it wasn't Fawful who enacted that tattoo. Perhaps it was Freywald himself. That's true. I think it would be hard to reach. Well, it's not hard to reach, obviously, but it would be hard to at least spell. Yeah, I wipe my butt every day of my life.

Every day? Yeah. Wow, that's a luxury. But you don't wipe your butt every day. No. You wipe your butt every... Wait, Lord Weber, do you wipe your butt every day? Scottrick, this is an unseemly conversation, but I will say you should do it every day. I'm a homeless scamp who lives on the streets. I got one of the cleanest b-holes in history. I think every three days is fine. Oh, boy. Okay, well, in any case...

Who do you think tattooed that upon? Poor Forval over here. I believe it must have been Fryvault and he is sending a message to us that he is coming to enact vengeance. So how can I believe any of these?

Do you think Freibold maybe tattooed everything upon you? What if I was captured by him and he did it just to get his revenge because we killed him last time? I feel as if that may be the case. And I also feel... What if he returns? I don't think... What do we do? It is possible that... We need some mnemonic device to figure out what happens if Freibold returns. Oh boy, here we go. Yes. Put on a pot of coffee. Let's see.

All right. Just going to settle in here. All right. Now, it's a mnemonic. What are we trying to remember? If Freibold returneth. If he returneth. First, we must decide what shall we do. Then, we need a mnemonic device to remember what we shall do. Oh, okay. So...

I guess we would need to defend ourselves. Yes. And we should stop Fry Vault for the good of all mankind. Sure, but maybe we would need a weapon of some sort in order to defend ourselves. I mean, I got that. I got a whole bunch. What do you have on here? I mean, I got bowing knives. I got hunting knives. I got butter knives. I got a couple Rottweilers stuck in there. You have Rottweilers inside your pockets? Yeah. Tiny ones? Tinier than you? These are tiny Rottweilers. That I got to see. Oh, here. Here.

Look at that teacup Rottweiler. Look at that fellow. Oh my goodness. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen. And terrifying. Do you mind if I pet him? Ow! Be careful. They haven't eaten in days. Do you feed your Rottweilers before you feed yourself? Yeah. That's so nice. Thank you. Yeah.

Well, we should figure out some means of attack on Freyvald. Should he arrive? I just want to be prepared because you guys seem like such nice people. Thank you so much. In my time of need, when I saw these tattoos, I thought they're the only people in the world that could help me. You seem like you've grown up a lot since the last time we saw you. Since the last time you saw me. I saw in you. Since the last time you Goldie-sawn me.

I think I just saw in you, by the way, and you might need to check up. Oh, no? Coming from the guy who only wipes his ass once every three days? He's got you there. Still, get yourself checked out. You should get yourself checked out. It's probably a mess down there. Yeah, I saw some weird stuff down there. Sorry. Yeah, well, we need to figure out some sort of defense mechanism.

Yes. A weapon of some sort. Well, certainly the knives, the Rottweilers. Should we say Rottweiler grab? Rottweiler snatch. Rottweiler snatch. First we should figure out how to spell Rottweiler. That can't be misconstrued as anything else. Rottweiler, if memory serves, is R-O-T-T-W-E-I-L-L-E-R. Is that correct?

It is R-O-T-T-W-E-I-L-E-R. Just one L. Yes, just one L. Oh, I was so close. So sorry. Rottweiler Snatch. All right. So here we go. Rottweiler Snatch. Rottweiler Snatch. Okay. Rottweiler Snatch. And how shall we remember this? Let's see. Seems like a very specific finish. Yeah. I would hate... Let's use a mnemonic device.

Oh, you don't say. Yes. All right. I do. I would hate it if we were to end this episode and then not see a bunch of websites devoted to this fetish after we complete it. Correct. Rottweiler snatch. You mean... Webbing sites? We would look at them? Sure, together? I don't want... As a family? Well, there's more guy stuff we're just going to hang on to. Getting into the guy stuff.

All right. So how is new monitor device? Right. We are to destroy Frivolt using these tiny tech dogs. I'm going to say that right. We are to destroy ellipsis. Certainly. Good luck remembering it. Okay.

Oh, what a situation we are in to have to destroy Fryvault using these tiny Rottweilers. Yes. What was wrong with what I said? Too long. Yeah. Oh, I see. But this one's just right. Just right. Yes. T. T. Thank you for helping me in my battle against Fryvault. Oh, that's not a... Motherfuckers. Oh, wow. I wasn't done yet. You added your kind of...

Forval, spin on it. Oh, did I? Yeah. Patois of the streets. Second T to me. Yes. T time. Take a break and murder Freyvold. W, wigs. Wigs. It's got to be. It's got to be. Yes. E. E. Earth is where we will kill Freyvold. Oh, that's very good. That's very good. Not up in the Vicar of Yanks satellite. Certainly not. He's not around anymore either. What? What?

Have you come up to space to kill the Vicar of Yanks? I have this vague memory that I may have done something to him in the past. I do hope that he's still alive. I hope he's alive. He's a wonderful gentleman. Me too, now. I'm hoping, I don't remember, so I'm hoping I did nothing, but it's quite possible that I did. You just have a feeling. Yeah, I'm hooked on it. I'm hooked on phonics myself. I, to you... I'm hooked on a feeling. I'm hooked on a feeling. Yes, that's right. That was an amazing coincidence. Right?

El, look here. I'm hooked on a feeling. Perfect. Okay, E to you. E to you, phone home, because Frivol is going to kill Frivol, hopefully, in that song pattern. R to you, Lord Webber. Right. Let's murder Frivol, matey. Oh, you're getting... I assume you'll be shouting it when you do that. Of course I will. So, of course, my voice will deteriorate into cockney. Yes, okay.

S. Hey, wouldn't it be a thing to kill Freibolt? N to you.

Nell Carter is not who you are. You are Farval, the man who will help kill Fry Vault and save Andrew Lloyd Webber and the other guy. Very good. A to you. A wigs. Oh, or A, like the Fonz. No, for another mnemonic device. No, no. That'll mess us up. I'm sorry. I don't know where I got that from. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I feel like we almost need to start over.

Getting confused by this Fonzie type exclamation. I don't know if I feel that way. Oh, okay. T to me. Sorry, but I developed a lisp. But let's kill Fryball. Thirdly. C to you. Can't. Great. Great. And the final letter to Andrew Lloyd Webber. The honor of the final letter, H. Hello. Hello.

And we all know when one says hello, it is polite to say hello back. So we should add another H probably. And there are three fingers pointing back at you. That's true. So add another H for hello for both of us to say hello. So it's Rottweiler Snatch-Ha. Snatch-Ha. Yes, of course. So here's the situation that we're in. Yes. If Fry Vault were to ever burst upon us. The scene. The scene, yeah.

Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here right now? It would be crazy. He is not, though. Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here the whole time? It would be crazy. Of course he's not. Wouldn't it be crazy if he had dressed up like an old man to fool you guys and he was just here the whole time? It would be crazy, of course, but that is not the situation in which we are. Zip! Hello. Freibolt! Yeah.

You remember me? You remember you tried to kill me? Hello? That's vaguely familiar. Oh, yeah, vaguely familiar. What's up, Andrew Lloyd Webber? You forgot me. I was a Sondheim fan, you motherfucker. No, this is Stephen Sondheim, I think. Oh, shit, Stephen Sondheim? Hello, I'm Stephen Sondheim from America. From New York, as a matter of fact. Of course I can. I'm from New York City. I can tell by your accent. Oh, you love barbecue sauce, right? I love barbecue sauce. It's an honor to meet you. I'll get to you in a second. Thank you. Yo.

Uh, I'm not, I'm not Scott. You're not? Zip. What? Hello? Forval? Hello? Why, you're just a little boy. Where am I? Who the hell are you? Do you have any scraps? You're on Earth. Do you have any scraps? Yo, this is fucked up.

Um, hey. Oh. I killed Forvo in a previous time to take his body to come back here to kill Scott Aukerman. You didn't kill me. And Andrew Lloyd Webber. I thought I did. No, I had some zombie makeup lying around I stole from Steven Young. That is the most brilliant trickery I've ever heard. The greatest trick that Forvo ever played was getting a bunch of zombie makeup. Well, thank God my brother is still alive. Hi, Forvo. I missed you. I missed you. I'm sorry I had to kill you. No, you didn't kill me.

Thank God. Why'd you want to kill me?

I had to because you guys killed me when I did nothing. Well, now, I, of course, didn't kill anyone. I'm from America. Wait, is this... Who is this? Is this Stephen Sondheim? It's me, Stephen Sondheim. This is Stephen... This is the incomparable Stephen Sondheim. Bow down. Fry vote, don't you see what's happening? What? That's not Stephen Sondheim. What are you saying? What? That's... What are you doing, Scottrick? I'm not Scottrick. Scottrick? Wait, are you a Fawville? I'm Fawville. Who the... Fawville? What in the...

I'm Forval. This is a plan that we hatched. All I know is I came here to kill some time bobbies, and if we have all somehow collapsed upon each other inside out at some sort of vortex... Do you own a vortex, by the way? Do I own a vortex? Yeah, mine's under my bed. I never use it. Yeah, well, we lived in the same house for a little while, so yeah, maybe I slipped into that vortex somehow. Huh.

Maybe I'm thinking of my vorplex. I'm very frightened and afraid. You do not look frightened. You look more confused than anything else. Also that. Did you hear his voice? He slipped out of the New York accent. Oh, you motherfucker. Yeah, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yes, yes.

It is I, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I am prepared to accept whatever fate awaits me at your hands or the hands of you. Freiburg, I'll let you do the honors and just say what you want to do to this motherfucker because he's really, he's fucking, he's really just a fucking gay.

Now tell me about it. This fucking guy, I mean, this guy is a fucking piece of shit, man. What crime have I committed other than inspiring millions with my musical compositions? I go to my grave if to the grave I must go with my head held high in service of Her Majesty. You treated my little brother like shit. He wanted to live with you.

And you said nothing. You would not let him. As a matter of fact, you played him like a fool. And then he came back to apologize. All I wanted was a nice man with a nice home. I offered to let you live in a golden cage.

But you threatened to stab me again and again. And a few times you did stab me. Motherfucker, you put me in a cage again. Now, now. For all we've talked about your language. Oh, don't you talk to him like that. He can talk any way he wants. I've got my bigger brother Freibold here now, and he's going to protect me. And besides that, I'm also packing. I got the Rottweilers. He was in disguise. He doesn't have any of them. I actually got the Rottweilers right here. Rottweiler snatch. What? What? What? What? What? What? I just said...

Yeah, I know what that was. Because I was dressed up as Forval. Wait, I know what it was because I'm dressed up like Scott. What? You are, Scott? No, I'm... Wait, am I? I think you two better kill each other. Let me check this almanac for a second here. Check the almanac. Who am I? Turns out the Red Sox won the World Series recently. Wait, that team in Boston? Oh, boy. Oh.

Wait a minute, let me put my costume back on. Zip! Hey, I'm back. I realize now that Forval and I are the same person, that I'm just wearing a Scott costume. But I actually am Forval. Oh, you... I'm sorry. You just realized that you're wearing a Scott costume? Yes, I've been wearing a Scott costume my whole life. And that I actually am Forval. And you...

Are Freiburg my brother? Correct. I was dressed up as an old forval as a joke. You tricked me into thinking that I was an old man. All so that we could kill Andrew Lloyd Webber. So let's kill Andrew Lloyd Webber. I say we do this. I say let's kill Andrew Lloyd Webber. Full circle. We find ourselves at a curious circumstance. Shut the fuck up. Oh my god, this is... The grizzly man himself.

He's not the Grizzly Man. He's the director. Oh, I thought that was an autobiography. No, no, no. This is not an autobiography. No, yeah, Grizzly Man was not about the director of the film. I did not realize that. No, no. Werner Herzog? Yes. You've been dressed up like Andrew Lloyd Webber? For this whole time. Every time you have spoken to Andrew Lloyd Webber, it has secretly been me. The entire time? The entire time. So where is Andrew Lloyd Webber? He doesn't exist. What? Say what? He is a creation of...

Of legend. It was originally to make children eat their vegetables. That was why Andrew Lloyd Webber was invented? To make children eat their vegetables? It didn't work. Yeah, clearly. Was it a thing of if you don't eat your vegetables, you'll have to go to an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical? That's correct. Oh, man.

Interesting. My God. We are really involved in quite a buttercream effect right now. This is the buttercream effect, I think. My goodness. Seems as if my whole world has collapsed in upon itself. And mine as well. Every time Andrew Lloyd Webber has been on the show, it's been you in disguise? Yes, that is correct. Disguise? Disguise.

This guy right here. This guy's right there. No wonder you said you had two thumbs when you were Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yes. I've only known one other guy to have two thumbs, and that's been you. Yes, my thumbs are so constant that I might as well be an Englishman. I have to say this is technicality no down boo over. Technicality no down boo over. Yes. This is technicality no down boo over. I don't like that. Technicality no down boo over. Yes, I don't like that. Technicality no down boo over. Yes. Coco Marks.

Wait, Coco Marx is here? Yeah, it's me, Coco Marx. He started zip? What? It's me, Aaron Neville. Aaron Neville? I don't know much. Oh my god, layers upon layers. Zip? What?

It's me, Fievel. From the movie. From an American tale? Correct. Somewhere out there. Somewhere. Zip! It's me, Peebo Bryson. Somewhere out there. Zip! It's me, Aladdin. Didn't you sing a song for Aladdin? A whole new world. Don't you dare shut your eyes. Wait, are you who we think you are? Zip! Y'all hear him, Sireens? J.W. Stillwater! That's right! There's a crime going on here.

Y'all murderers! Zip! It's me, Jesse the Mine, Saw Body Ventura! Zip! Hello, it's the Sheriff of Nottingham. Zip! It's me, Jazz Jazz. Jazz Jazz. Who's Jazz Jazz? From... from... This is an obscure one, right? Jazz Jazz, the couple fan of the show. The barber... from the barbershop? I'm trying to remember his details. Zip! Hi! Hi!

Oh, wow! Huell Houser. I'm back from the dead. Wow! Risen from the grave, or is it just Steve Young's zombie makeup? Wow! Zip! And bring out the girls. Zip! Zip!

I was lying the whole time. It's me, Forval again. The real Forval. Zip! It's me, Scott. I was lying the whole time. Zip! It's me, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I was lying the whole time. You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers as well.

Science! We're all just a bunch of motherfuckers. We're all a bunch of time-traveling motherfuckers. We're like the ears but people. We were lying to each other. We all lied. We were folding in on each other and it's gotta stop. It's gotta stop. There's only one way to stop it. What's that?

Like this! Run while you're snatched! Run while you're snatched! You can't do this! You motherfuckers, this'll never happen again! I'm gonna get on my pony, I'm gonna drive away! I will return! Look at him drive that pony! It's got eight legs! Oh, Scottrick...

I feel as if I have very deep knifing wounds. It looks as if that is so. Is this blood seeping through my fingers? He got me walking dead style right in the forehead. Oh, no. Yes? Hello? Yes? Hi, I'm Jay Davidson. I was looking for my penis. Here I...

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