Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 4 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang, where we're re-releasing fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from behind the paywall!

Now, this is a very special week you have tuned into because we have reached the final episode in our Time Bobby bonus bang series. This is Time Bobby 4. This was originally released May 23rd, 2016 as episode 423. Amazing that we've done 500 episodes since then.

And it features Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan, of course, as the little stabby orphan, Forval. And in this episode, Forval insists he's changed his stabby ways. What could have happened? Well, you're going to have to tune in to find out. You've already tuned in. You can just keep listening. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other episodes featuring maybe Paul F. Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan or maybe some of the other great people who are on Comedy Bang Bang, well...

become a subscriber at cbbworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every single live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, and shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. ♪

What's up, downward dog? That's right, I'm into yoga now. May the force be with you.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Why was I forced to listen to that? You're not forced to. First, you make me sit here in silence as you play the same theme song you always play. And I commanded you to sit in silence. You commanded a lord to sit in silence. And yet you still did.

Because I am a guest, do you see? You're the host, I'm the guest. Yes, that is our dynamic. I follow protocols, British. What about ghost protocols? Ghost protocols? Do you follow those? Are you wearing a hood? If I am in the home of a ghost...

How often does that happen, by the way? When you were writing Sunset Boulevard, did you go by the house they shot it in? I went to many haunted homes in Los Angeles to feel the presence of silent film rage. Yes, yes. Did you go to that haunted home that's just right off of Vermont, is it, where supposedly there's the Christmas tree? Yes. And the presents? Where the doctor drank acid to kill himself. Ha ha ha!

First, he murdered... Did he drink the drug acid or did he drink acid acid? He drank carbolic acid, I believe. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay. First, he murdered his family by means of a hammer. He hit them all with a hammer. The most expedient way to kill someone. You would think a doctor. Yeah, I would have some other tool. His choice of knives. Hey, get my black bag, would you?

There are a lot of syringes. This is why he's a frontier doctor. He's got scripts? Prescriptions. Yeah, that's what they call it. Yes. I thought you were referring to the parent company of the old media. Well, I always try to throw it in there.

By the way, I want to thank Robert Yoon, Robert underscore Yoon, I should say, for that wonderful catchphrase. Thank you so much to Robert underscore Yoon. And of course. May I may I issue a special dripping with sarcasm thank you to this Robert underscore Yoon.

Thank you. A special dripping with sarcasm thank you from the Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. And that shall serve as your introduction, Lord. No, I say! No credits. None taken. Welcome back to the show. It's been a minute.

Scott Rick, yes, indeed. We haven't seen each other in quite a while. And thank you for, I believe, this past Christmastime. Did I see you at Christmastime? Last Christmastime, yes. Last Christmastime. Last Christmastime. I gave you my heart the very next day, Boxing Day, you gave it away. Is that a song you wish you had written? Yes. Yes. Scott Rick, don't you know, I wish I'd written every song? Ah.

Think of the money. Oh, that's what you're into this for. Is that right? I'm in it for number one, the money. Number two, the love of the music. Number three, the runoff pussy. Oh, dear. I thought I was being cross. By saying the ladies? Yes. Well, I'm a gentleman. How many times have you been married?

So many times. Yeah, are you in the middle of one now? Yes, I believe so. Or at the tail end of one now? Well, it's hard to say. Do you know, I'm not, I'll be honest, I'm not the most difficult chap to live with. I have my little peculiarities. Go into somebody. If you can imagine. Yeah. Well, you know I like to putter around the house in my dressing gown. Yes, of course.

Well, I also like to patrol the grounds of my estate with a cricket bat. And I play a little game called whacking a mole. For moles or for robbers? Whoever comes up and I consider a mole. I'll whack them with my whacking stick. How many times have you whacked animals and how many times have you whacked human beings?

Animals, I'd say it's about carry the one 60% of the time. So when you were saying carry the one, you were doing percentages by carrying ones? Yes. I don't know whether that's actually literally how you do it. Carry the one percentage in front of the percent symbol. Of course. Yes, carry it over there. Put them together.

It's simple math. Yes. Much like grammars carry that word over next to the period. Yes, exactly. Before I construct any sentence, I have to arrange the words in the proper order. And I imagine myself a little Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. A lordette. A lordette. In covering all. Oh, yes. Perhaps a lordino. Yes, lordino. Much like on the bloopers and practical jokes show, those little tiny. Yes, yes, yes.

I loved those little chaps. Did you? So you imagine yourself as one of those little tiny workmen who would arrange the bloopers. Drawn by a senor Sergio Aragones. Aragones, of course. Marginal madness.

And I imagine myself arranging the words in the proper order. I sometimes take a little break and I open up my lunching pail and I bring out my sandwich and I eat it. Yes. And then I close up my lunching pail. I put it away to a mysterious place. And then I resume work on the sentence. And much like the bloopers and practical jokes, does something go awry in these sentences? Do things blow up? Well, no. I speak the speech. You speak the speech.

You speak the spit? I speak the speech, you pray thee. As it comes trippingly off the tongue. Yes, the play's the thing where it will catch the conscience of the king. Are you a big Shakespeare fan, Billy S.? He's all right. Hi, my name is Bill S. He's all right. He's all right. Who's your favorite playwright of all time? Can I...

musicals in there? Okay, musical colon theater or semicolon. What is it? Semicolon. Where are we going to hear this, by the way? Well, do you know there's a video episode of it up now. Really? Wherein I speak with Amy Mann and Ted Leo. Theodore Leo? Yes, they call themselves the both. Ah,

Ah, yes. We've had them on the show. Friends of the show. Yes. Yes. Tedwood, Leo, and a mean man. I've always thought of her as a mean man. Sort of like, you know, someone living in a house that you don't want to hit your softball into their backyard. I like the neighbor in Home Alone. Yes, of course.

But it turns out he's all right. He's all right. Well, that's how it is with a mean man. Exactly. She's perfectly wonderful. She's fine. She's more than fine. She's a wonderful lady. She's okay. I feel as if whatever compliment I give, you diminish the compliment. Is there something that there's some sort of ax to grind? I just think some of her lyrics are pessimistic.

Well, that's the way it is with songs, isn't it? They're not all happy and delightful. Some of them are quite grim. You getting a call? You getting a text? There's a text alert. What's this? Who texts Andrew Lloyd Webber? People still like musicals. Good. Really? Is this a daily alert or is it an hourly? Yes, I have my manager text me. And how does he gather this intel?

I don't know. That's why. Where is he getting his data? I have people for that. I am a creative type. And so I think about the creative. Is this like polling like the presidential polls where you call up and whoever is there to answer a poll?

You know, that's why they say Trump is doing so well in the polls. Because people are home. People are home. The people who would vote for Trump are... Jobless, toothless... Miscreants. Miscreants. Wait a minute. I always... You always come, of course, wearing your cloak. Your cape. Is it a cape or a cloak? It's my cape. It's my ermine cape. May I ask a question that I've never asked of you before? Please. I'm open to any question you might ask, dear boy. Is that much like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Well, if you've seen it and you're asking about it, chances are, no.

Well, he can see his cloak. It's just when you put it on something. Yes. Well, but you've seen it on me. I'm not walking about with it over my shoulder Frank Sinatra style. I think you have to be completely covered by it in order for... Well, I don't know. That's true, I guess. Well, let me say this. Yes. If it were a true cloak of invisibility...

It would be a bad idea to tell you if it were. Like this one right here. Whoa! Jesus! Hello. Skodrick, did you hear that? I heard something. I heard a wee voice. And that's why I screamed. Yes, and I did as well. I heard a... We are alike in this. A voice akin to something of a smurf or some sort of naughty elf. Some sort of little pixie-ish voice, but as I look around, keeping my head level, at eye level, yes. Certainly. I don't see...

sea anyone. At sea level. We are at sea level, so I'm keeping my eyes at sea. We are not recording this in Denver, Colorado. Oh, no, certainly not. Well, I guess that was just a trick of the ears. Both of our ears were tricked. Hello? What? I hear it again. Hello again. I'm hearing that voice again. Is this a Neil Diamond record sped up? Hello again? No. Let's listen further to see if it says anything about turning on one's heart light. Oh,

I'm listening. I'm listening. Hello, turn on your hard lights. It is. It must be. I was right. A Neil record. A Neil Diamond recording. A Neil Diamond recording. His greatest hits, of course. Being played, of course. Greatest hits, of course. Because those two songs never appeared on an album together other than greatest hits. They're being played on the wrong speed. Oh, we cracked it. Much like a Chipmunks record. And we are Dave Alvin? Dave Alvin, yes. From the Blasters. Dave Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I think that was his name though, wasn't it? No. Alvin was the chipmunk and Dave called him. Oh, man.

Dave Thomas from Wendy's and the Chipping Monks. Dave Barry and the Chipping Monks. Well, we've cracked it. Let's locate the source of this recording, though. The phonograph. Let's look up in the air. Perhaps it's above us. That's the best place to start, always, yes. And there we are looking up and... Looking at all four quarters of the room, I do not see any Victrola mounted just below the ceiling. Nope. Oh, I heard...

That didn't sound like a Neil Diamond song. Wait, what did he say? He said getting colder. Getting colder. That could be a Neil. Getting colder. It's getting colder. You do a wonderful impression of Neil Diamond. Thank you. You know, people, people, I wish more people would ask me to do my famous mimicry. Oh, well, let's hear some of your other impressions. Give me a request. Okay, Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze. Ahem, ahem.

I'm a ghost. Very good. Nell Carter. E.T. Chicken Bay. From movie Nell? Yes. Calling back something from the solo bolo trolo.

Give me a break, I certainly deserve one. I've had a very rough time of things lately. You are wonderful. Thank you. Did you ever think of going on to the stage rather than being behind it? I've thought of it so many wrong words. Saying the wrong words. Now, do you hear that?

Give me a break, I sure deserve it. My god, they got up, they did a pep, pep, pep, pep. Now that voice that accused me of singing the wrong words. Then, when is it gibberish? It seemed, started off cracking good. Then ended up saying, pep, pep, pep. Pep, pep, yes. Well, I don't know. Do you think that we are being haunted by the ghostess of Nell Carter? No.

She wants her unfinished business. I've done some terrible things to her while she was alive. What? Scottrick, what have you done to Nell Carter? The star of Give Me a Break. Typical malfeasance.

Business malfeasance? Yes, of course. Oh, dear. I had a Ponzi scheme going on with her. Perhaps she wanted to reprise her role in a Broadway revival of Hair. Oh, of Hair? Yes. She was in Hair? She was in Hair. Really? I think... She sang the song about black boys. I sure do like them.

Never gotten that far. It's time to get a plep, plep, plep. Yeah, there you go. What about a jukebox musical of Give Me a Break? A jukebox musical? Yes. All with break songs. A situation comedy that had one song? Yes, but it would all be songs that have to do with breaks. So you would import... Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

Well, we've solved this mystery, obviously. We're being haunted by Nell Carter, so there's no reason to look down at our knees. Occam's razor, sometimes the most simple answer is cray. No shit, Sherlock. Not Nell Carter. None taken.

You know what? I heard something else again. Yes. I believe that we should, we've already looked up. Yes. We've looked eye level. Yes. As far as I'm concerned, there's only one direction in which to look and that might be down. Going down, down, down. Do you wish you wrote that song? Yes, of course I do. Of course. I have two wishes left. What do you think you're going to wish for? Probably that I would have written another hit song.

Just a gigolo? Just a gigolo in every place I go. That's the wrong words. It's just a gigolo. Blip, blip, blip. Blip, blip, blipity-bloo. That's how it goes. Scott Frick. The mystery of this voice, it devils me. It's nagging at the back of my skull like an itch that I can't quite scratch. A skull itch? Yes, a skull itch. Internal? That's a great Star Wars character, Sklitch. Internal Sklitch? Yes.

I have a limited debate in accent. Okay. I have a turtle sludge. Take my jacket. It looks better on you. Pretty good. Pretty good.

Well, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think that we should just... Okay, that's it. Taking off the cloak. Whoa! Whoa! Skaldrick! Hello. Look! Do you see what I see? Yes, of course I see what you see. A little boy, blip blip, do you see what I see? Over there in the corner of the studio, blip blip blip, I do see what you see.

I do see what you see A boy, a boy Sitting in the corner With a great big shot That fell apart very quickly. Blipp, blip, blip. Scottrick. Hello. Yes, hello. Hello, hello, hello. We'll get to you in a second. Scottrick, yes. Lord Webber.

I believe it's that murderous little scamp. Is that his name? I forgot it. It's been so long since he'd been here. How did you forget his name? It's been about a year. Over a year, I think. Did you hear what he said? Yes. It's been over a year. I think that it might have been... It's been... Over a year. Let's not quibble over semantics. It's been a wham.

We need to address this head on. We do. The longer we pay no attention to him, the more upset he'll get. I do believe you're right. Let us turn our heads, you to the right and I to the left. Good plan. And look him straight into one of his eyes as he'll have to split focus. Certainly. Right? But that doesn't mean...

We have to split, folks. No, you'll look into his left eye. Right. R.I.P. R2-D2 soon. And I will look into his right eye. Yes? Yes. All right. Whatever we do, let us not go chasing waterfalls. Never, never, never. Right.

Let us not go gentle into that good night either. On the count, well, countdown. All right. To the turn. All right, so three. No. No, no. Five, four, three, nose, one. Here we go. Hello. Ah! Ow, my eyes. What's the matter, Forval? Trying to focus on both of you at the same time. It's almost impossible. Tell you what, go ahead and go back and forth between us, depending on who's talking. Hello. Forval. Hello. It's so very nice to see you.

We certainly are seeing you. You look terrified. Well, I... One man's terrified is another man's treasure. I'm terrified of how happy I am to see you. Ah, it's so frightening! These feelings, I didn't expect them to be so intense. I understand why you would be scared, but I just came to say hi and thank you and hello. Thank you? For what? Just for everything. You've always been so nice to me and wonderful to me, and I just, I feel like in the past I've done bad things. Well...

Well, Forval, that is somewhat true. And the understatement of the century, and we're just getting started with this one. Yes, it's a relatively new century. It's about 16 years in as well. Now, Forval, it is true that the last handful of times we've seen, three to be precise. A cartoon character's handful. Correct. Yeah.

This completes the white-gloved hand of that cartoon character. Yes. On previous occasions... A veritable Mickey's glove of appearance. Indeed. Of course, of course. On previous occasions, when we have encountered you, you have...

Stabbed the shit out of everything I saw. Oh, yes. Including us. Yes. You've repeatedly stabbed us. Yes. In fact, I thought we were dead after a few of these. Yeah. Yes. I believe some of them ended on what appeared to be our deaths, and then the next week we were just all right. Are we in that Tom Cruise movie? Die, rinse, repeat? Missing Impossible Ghost Protocol? No. Die, rinse, repeat? What was that one? Wait, D-Y-E? It was die, rinse, repeat. Period, rinse, period, repeat? Yeah.

You know, I do. Speaking of that. Top Gun rinse repeat. I think any person that you see on television or in the movies has gray hair and is dying it. Any.

Any person. Every single person. Every single person. Just imagine any time you're watching a television show or a movie, every single person has gray hair. Present company. Present company accepted. Well, Forval, you're welcome, and it's so great to see you. Yes, we are saying positive things because we do not wish to be stabbed. I'm not going to stab you unless you fuck it up, you know? Now, Forval, if I may. Yeah, no, please, feel free. Yes.

I'm in a very good mood. I just want to say that. You're in a good headspace? Yeah. Yeah, I really am. I really think I'm doing great. You do look very positive. You have a certain aura or glow. I feel it. I don't feel stabby at all. There's a serenity on your countenance. I've eaten today. That's good for a start. What have you eaten?

I had more than scraps. More than scraps? Did you have a Boston cream pie? I had a Boston cream pie. Now, Forval, historically, you are a little urchin, a little tiny street urchin. Yeah. And you've subsisted mainly on scraps. Yeah, scraps and dirt. But I see the outline of a whipped cream goatee around your mouth. Yeah, I didn't even wipe it off because I'm so proud. Well, pride cometh before a fall, Forval. I don't understand. Well, it goeth. Um.

I like Cometh. I'll bet you do. Jesus Christ. Filthy cur. Fucking animal. He really is. He really is. Oh, I'm so glad we're bonding. Oh, it's great. Fawful, where did you get this creamed pie? I did a little job. I mowed the lawn. That was almost the song. I did a little job. I mowed the lawn. Finishing a half. And she gave me a Boston cream, beep. Are you allowed to sing a Sondheim song?

Of course I am. I'm allowed to sing whatever song I like. Well, I just didn't know. I mean, isn't he your main arch rival? Certainly. Why wouldn't I want to sing his songs and not do a very good job of it? Sing his songs?

It'll probably piss him off if you sing a song. Exactly. Four, four, you get it. Yeah, you got him. You get it. Wow, you guys are really on the same page. We are. This is incredible. Where did you get this pie that has been creamed? I did a little job for a lady mowing lawns and she gave me a pip for it. She gave you a pip? I meant pie, but...

It scabs better. I thought pip was a form of currency that little orphan boys used. Yeah, I only deal in pips. If you haven't got a pip, a hay pip will do. If you haven't got a hay pip, well, God bless you. Now, who was this nice lady here?

You're not going to believe this. I won't. Wait, okay. Can we guess? I would love it if you did. First of all, hey, guys. Great to see you. Hi, it's great to see you. Nice to see you. Let's play the guessing game. I like it. All right, here we go. Was it Lindsay Wagner, the Bionic Woman? Yeah. From Ohio? Right out of the box. Oh, my goodness. Right out of the box. That was right from Ohio. Wow. Jamie Summers from Ohio. Wow. Wow.

You cut my guess right off at the knees. Who were you going to guess? Just out of curiosity. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She was there too. RBG. RBG. She was there as well. She lives next door. She lives next door. Now, was it the character of the biotic woman or the actress who portrayed her? Yeah. Oh, right? Incredible.

The Incredibles were there as well? Stretchy lady. Well, not Frozone. Fast guy. He wasn't around. Frozone, that's good to know. Oh, Lord Webber. I had a bit of a frog in my throat. Probably from singing that Sondheim song.

So, wow, you mowed a lawn. I mowed a little lawn with a little mower and I got a little pie for it. It was a tiny mower because I would think you wouldn't be able to reach up to the hand. Yeah, a real mower is terrifying to me. Yeah, your feet wouldn't fit. You wouldn't reach the ground. No, I might get sucked up underneath. It's true. You're very wee. Was it one of those acoustic lawnmowers? Acoustic lawnmowers? Yes, the very old. As opposed to an electric one?

Well, yes, the very old-fashioned ones. Oh, it looks like the DNA thing spinning around under there. Exactly. Yeah, no, I'm not that stupid. It's like Jurassic Park going on down there. You call it acoustic. That's interesting. Yeah, it's not electric.

I'm a musician. Yeah, I would think that the word acoustic, when it refers to guitars, comes from the fact that the acoustics reverberate inside the guitar and music comes out. I looked at you like you were crazy when you said that, but then almost instantly I went, maybe he's the smartest man in the world. There's an electric lawnmower. I don't think acoustic is electric. There's an electric toothbrush and an acoustic toothbrush. Do you think Jimi Hendrix had a left-handed lawnmower?

That he would mow the lawn behind his head. Do you think Jeff Lynn also has the acoustic light orchestra? Well, he'd be a fool not to. He would. He's really got to get on that. It's all candles. But it stands to reason why in the winter I sometimes enjoy my acoustic blanket pulled up right around my neck. Of course, of course. A horse, a horse. My goodness. Good, good, Shyamalan. Hey, one of the best.

When you're talking Chimans, you go to your old boy, Scotty Ox. Scottrick, I feel as if we're getting sidetracked from the main bit of business, which is Forval has reappeared in our lives. Well, yes. I mean, first of all, where have you been? Where have you been? Where did you get the invisibility cloak? And what changes have gone on in your life? Is it just, you know, worked as a body good? Do you know?

Where you're going to Do you like the things that life is show? Oh, you went up. Now, are you from Twin Peaks or something? Why? The words you were singing didn't sound like human speech. Yes, no. Yes, going to. That come you like is coming back in style. Yes.

I auditioned for Twin Peaks. Did you? For The Little Man. For The Man from Another Place? What happened? I did it all forwards, and they said that was wrong. And what happened after that? I went home. Oh! And what happened after that? I know you would think that I stabbed everybody to death. I just assumed, yes. No, but no, you're a new Forval. I'm in a great place. Wow, tell us about this. I'm glad to hear it. Tell us about the changes in your life. Here's Forval. I just, you know, the last time I was here...

We time traveled a bunch and killed us. We were all wearing masks. We don't need to go into it. It's so hard. The listener is certainly welcome to revisit that episode. And probably should. Maybe pause right now. Listen to that episode. All three of the episodes. Maybe listen to all three previous episodes. Listen to the cartoon handfuls of episodes. Yes, they were all called Time Bobby, if I'm not correct. Yes, I believe. Because of your...

previous status or current status. And yours, weren't you also a time bobby? Oh yes, I believe I also was a time bobby. Yeah, we were all time bobbies. Yeah, but this certainly is not the case any longer. Any more? I mean, do you know? Bonne mort? Bonne mort? Bonne mort?

Ah, s'il vous plaît. Yeah, I'll be taking a little French. I'm just really starting to expand myself as a person. Are you taking art classes? Taking some art classes. Cooking classes? I took some art classes, too. That's Forval. I'm just kidding. Very, very impish. Classic chime in from Forval. Great stuff, Forval. I appreciate it. A CCI from him. Can't beat you. Yep.

Wow, so what's happening? I mean, the last time we saw each other was such chaos, and now you're so at peace. Yeah, I just thought, you know, I'm sick and tired of making this world worse. I've got to make it better for everyone, including myself. What led to this change of heart, to this moment of clarity? Did you have an epiphany? Another Sondheim song.

What? From Sweeney Todd, Epiphany. Oh, yeah. It's called Epiphany? Mm-hmm. And let me guess, someone in it has an epiphany? Yeah. Well, look. Very clever. You're not going to sing Epiphany?

You're not going to sing happy birthday and they're not going to be birthday. Help! Help! What happened, Skulltrick? You're not going to sing happy birthday and they're not be birthday. Skulltrick, that drug is wearing off. Oh, God. And you're reverting back to your stupid state. Oh, God. Give me drug. Give me drug. Yeah, hold on. Give it to him. Quick. Quickly. Quickly. I need water. I need water. Get your sound effect record. I need water. Oh, no. Oh.

Oh, boy. Get it. Take water. Take water, yes. Put pill in mouth. Oh, boy. You definitely heard the water. Oh, boy. You took that pill. I want that pill. You took that pill. I want that pill. You took that pill. Give me that pill. Oh.

Okay, we're back to normal. That was very close. That's the first tense moment we've had where it wasn't caused by me trying to kill something. That's true. No. That's very true. As a matter of fact, this may be the first time I was involved in saving your life. Thank you so much. You leapt into action. Yes, you did. I didn't leap high, but I tried. About an inch off the ground. It was very impressive. Three apples high. Mm-hmm.

Three apples. Wow. Like a Smurfs. Do you judge everything by length of apples? Yeah. Do you know, in the cartoon version of the Smurfs, uh,

I feel as if they're slightly smaller than three apples high. If you really think about, think about three apples. Think about how tall that would be. And think of if a little fucking blue Smurf came running in like that. It would, look at that. That's a crazy size. But I'm saying, yes, that would be terrifying. But I feel as if on the television program, they were much, much smaller. Yes, a

mushroom. Yeah. Not even as big as an apple. No. A mushroom would love to be as big as an apple. With multiple rooms and a kitchen. A mushroom dreams all day of being as big as an apple. Mushroom dreams. And all I dream all day about is oh this pill isn't working anymore. Yes it's on the side of mushroom shoes.

Oh, God. A little bit of the pill stuck on the side of your lip there. Give me that pill. Give me that pill. Why don't you write your progress report? Okay, I'm back, guys. Oh, boy. I felt like I was on a high after the first 20 minutes. I feel like you're taking too many of those pills. Oh, God, I need them. I got to feel limitless.

Well, Forval, that is so great to see. I mean, it's so wonderful to see you in such a wonderful place. And are you seeing anyone? Hard-hitting question. Come on, Forval. Tell us about the old love life. Give us the hot goss. Choke on some hot goss. I'm doing okay in the ladies' department. Yeah? I'm spraying. Yeah.

I think I do. I think you do. Yeah, say it. Don't spray. One lady's man to another. I've been dating Whoopi Goldberg on and off for about six months. From The View. Yeah. Really? Yeah. You got quite a few. Also Theodore Rex. Oh, yes. The dinosaur movie that never was released. That was never released? Well, it was released on straight. Directed video. Yes, STV. Felt like a favor. Well, no. She was sued and she had to be in it. Is that true? That is very true. It's true. Yeah.

It's also true. I don't know what about the original script that she presumably read and agreed to. I think it was just the idea. She loved the idea. Or maybe didn't love it, but was paid a lot of money to do it. She loved the idea. The execution was what she had the problem with. Yeah, it could have been. I don't think we're doing this the right way. We're not doing it justice. Well, I'm a policeman and my partner is a dinosaur wearing sneakers. Talking dinosaur. Yes. Yes.

A fat Tyrannosaurus Rex. It's not the way I would do it. Everyone's favorite dinosaur. This is not the way I envisioned it. Have you brought this up to Whoopi when you're going down on her? I did once, and yeah. She was just, yeah. She was in the throes of ecstasy. Yeah, she didn't say nothing. She just said, keep going. I would imagine you're three apples high. That's about the size of a big, you know. It's about the size of... A big Johnson.

This is unseemly. Fucking the lady. Even for you, Scottrick. Hey, hey, hey. Come on. It's locker room talk. Fulville, I do apologize. What do you think? I put my whole fucking body in Wilbur Goldberg's pussy and dance around in there? I think for Fulville, I think Scottrick just got carried away. Just got carried away. In the spirit of Bono me, he just got carried away. I just thought we were having a good time. We're all guys. This is the language of guys. I feel like I got a little heated there for a second. Oh.

Wow. Yes, but everything's fine now. But it passed. You took a deep breath. Yes, indeed. Give me one second here. Cleansing breath. Oh. Whatever works. As Larry David once said. Yes, as Larry David once said.

Okay, you feel good now? I feel a lot better. Yeah? I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I apologize. I almost reverted right back. But I apologize. I set you off and I shouldn't have said those things. You shouldn't apologize. I should and I am. Well, I take it and I listen to it and I appreciate it and I put it in my brains.

Get your falling star and put it in your pocket. Save it for a rainy day. I love our singing. It's always perfect. I love our singing. Yes, it is. Yeah. Three-part harmony. This is wonderful. It's as things should be. Yes. Everything is great. I got the horse right here. His name is Paul.

revere and he's the guy that says if the weather's clear he can do can do this guy says the horse can do if he says the horse can do can do can do

His name is Valentine. Now, we're not supposed to all sing. One moment, chaps. One moment, chaps. Yes. We're not supposed to sing.

All of the verses all at the same time. Oh, that's right. It's a round. It's like row, row your boat. Three people sing individually and we all sing it together. Okay. So I'll do the there's a guy right here if you want to go on to Valentine. And then I'll do epitaph. Okay. Epitaph. No, no. There's more to it than that. Oh, okay. I got the horse right. We're just doing the end. Okay, here we go. No. Here we go. Ready? Ready?

One, two, three. I got the horse right here. His name is Paul Revere. There's a guy who says if the weather's clear, can do. Can do. That guy says the horse can do. If the guy says the horse can do. Can do. Can do. I got the horse right here.

His name is Paul Revere. There's a guy who says if the weather's clear, can do. If he says the horse can do, that guy says the horse can do. Guys and dogs. Epitaph. Paul Revere. I got the horse right here.

Dreadful. But seriously, how is Whoopi Goldberg's pussy? Is it sweet? It's crazy. It's scot-free. What? I cannot. What's wrong? I just, I got. You went right back to the thing that you didn't like. I got Whoopi Goldberg on the mind. It's such a good place. We've all got Whoopi Goldberg on the mind. We were harmonizing perfectly and then. Now he's out. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Forval, please. Forval, please. I haven't taken these out.

long time. You see all the cobwebs? Yes, I do. I do. I do. The steel is gleaming through the cobwebs. There's a spider on those cobwebs and it looks radioactive. How can they be covered in cobwebs but so sharp? Because I keep them sharp. And then I put cobwebs

Wait, why? Because it makes me feel better. I also have many spiders I take care of. Okay, okay. Did you say one of the spiders was radioactive? It looks it. It was glowing. It bit me recently. What? Oh my God, really? I want to hear the story of this, but we have to take a break. We have to take a break. I want to hear the story. Take a break and check yourself. You're benching my lady's pussy again. I'm going to fucking kill you. Okay, all right. I'm sorry, Vorval. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. I ghost.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with, of course, Lord Andrew Lord. Of course! Andrew Lord Web- You know what? Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. If you have a name like Lloyd in your name, then you should change it to Lord if you become a lord. Do you know? Mm-hmm. I do. It's almost as if you can substitute-

for Lloyd. You can take the Lloyd out if you wish. Yes. And it would still be proper to address me as Andrew Lord Webber. Yes, but don't take the Lloyd out of Chris Lloyd. No, don't. He needs it. Christopher Lloyd. Christopher Lloyd. That's... Alex, I got to do a job. Ah, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christopher Lloyd. That's a new holiday. Why was he saying Merry Christmas? Because it's a pretty good Christmas. Oh, boy. What does a yellow light mean? 1,000 gigawatts. Did I do it? Yes, you did it. You're very good.

Well, we're here also. It's good now. We're here with Fourvolt, the little orphan boy. That's me. I'm a little baby boy. A little baby. So you're a baby? Uh, yeah. Well, you're not an infant, but you're in the figurative. Have you gone through the terrible twos yet? Yeah. I got all my teeths. Permanence? Yeah. Teeth and jobs go hand in hand, I've always said. Yeah. Teeth and jobs go hand in hand. One is silver, the other...

Grand. He's grand. Yes, of course. So, Forval, before the break, you whipped out your knives, which were very cobwebby. Sorry, but you brought that on yourself. I brought that. Certainly. I admit that. And my fascination with your love life knows no bounds, and yet I should –

Put some bounds on them. Put some bounds, definitely. You should put bounds on them. Don't go out of bounds. Stay in bounds. Of course, yes. We looked at your knife, and on one of the cobwebs, there was a spider that was glowing. It seemed to be radioactively. And you said that you were bitten by this spider, and we were going to go into the story of it. And I now would like to hear that story. I also would like to hear the story. Cosign. Cosign.

We have a quorum. Mm-hmm. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Now that two people have stepped forward, I will definitely tell the story. I was sitting alone in my room. Your room? Wait, do you have a room now? I have a room. You finally have a home. I got a little room. You're a regular Brie Larson. Where did...

Do you have table and bed? I do not. I just have a room, but I'll take it. Oh, Micah, who gave you this room? Brie Larson. Wait, you're living with Brie Larson? Yeah. She gave it to me after we did the Comedy Bang Bang television show together. Oh, that's right. You were on that episode together. Correct. The only time this has ever crossed over. Oh, wow. The cannons are crossing over. This is like Crisis on Infinite Earths. Or two. Ha ha ha.

Wow, so she gave you a little room. How nice of her. Yeah, it was very nice. I mean, it could be nicer. She's a rich actress and stuff. Do you think she's rich? I mean, because appearing in Room is not the biggest payday. I heard it was $39 million. What? That's this now? Yeah. Wow. $39 million. That's just the Oscar basket alone. Yeah, well, she better pay taxes on that. $39 million in goods. Yeah. In swag. Yeah. Swag. Yeah.

Oh, yes, swag. And what I'm guessing is moisturizer and sunglasses. So many sunglasses. Maybe one spa trip. Damn.

What were you going to say about swag? It used to be swag. Yes, swag. And then because people kept using the word swag to indicate swagger, they started saying schwag. Yes. And I think it's a damn shame. I do too. I would much rather have free stuff than looking cool. Yeah, I wish we could go back to those carefree, halcyon days of swag. Yes, could you imagine? But you know what?

That's what it's all about. Things cannot remain the same. I was about to say the top of my time machine, but I don't mess with that stuff no more because it messed up my life. Yeah. So now you no longer travel through time. I'm trying to get out of the time Bobby business. I'm out. You're out. It's like the mafia. Right. Right.

But now tell us about your life currently. I mean, you were bitten by this spider in your little room. I've just been doing little jobs here and there, little jib-jabs, you know. Sure. Have you been making those jib-jab videos? Yeah. Sending them about? Yeah. What's your favorite one? I just got a cell phone, which is nice. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good. So what happened with this spider, though? It bit you, and then what happened?

Oh, I was in my room that Brie Larson gave me. Sure. And, you know, I was just looking around, doing nothing, thinking how I wasn't killing nobody and how great I felt. And this little blue and red spider came down from the ceiling. Yes. And he came on one little spindly little web. What do they call it? It's just a web. A web. A web. Along came the spider. Yeah, along came the spider. And he sat down beside you. Yeah, sat down beside me.

Were you eating anything at the time? I think I was eating a big bowl of porridge, maybe. Is that possible? Two ingredients, perhaps? Curds, perhaps? Oh, that's right. I was eating curds and Cheerios. Well...

And the spider bit me. Now I can swing around and do all sorts of superhero type stuff. What's this now? Really? Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it, but I'm pretty much Spider Forval now. Spider Forval! Spider Forval, Spider Forval, does whatever a Spider Forval can. Okay. Wow, the fantastic Spider Forval. Amazing.

Well, the Fantastic Four crossed with Spider-Man. Oh, I see. Yes. Very clever. There you go. Wow. I'm glad you're taking that pill. I want that pill. Well, you've taken it. Yeah, well, I got that pill. Yes, you did. I am now limitless. You took that pill. Yes. So, wow. So, I mean, are you doing good for mankind out there? Is that what's happening? You know, I'm still in the coming up with a costume phase. Oh.

Oh, where you're sketching? Yeah, I still, like, you know, I have, like, a half costume that looks like a good one, but it's reminiscent of what it should be, but it's not quite there yet. Once I get that down, I'll start, you know, solving crimes. I like in the Spider-Man movies when Peter Parker sketches his costume, you then cut to the close-up, and he's as good as current comic book artists. He's like original Jack Kirby. Yeah, he's like Phil Jimenez or something. What are you chaps talking about? Spider-Man movies. You've never...

Spider-Man movies. They made movies of the Spider-Man? A bunch. Not the Slenderman. No, of course not. The Spider-Man. He's like a radioactive spider trap. He does whatever a spider can. And should. Spins a web. Any size. Yeah, small to medium large. That's right. The whole range. Yeah. Catches crooks.

Thieves. Thieves. Just like flies. Hey there. There goes the Spider-Man. Yeah, that's what we say every single day. And yet they made movies about this guy. They made movies? Who would go see these? They can't have done well. I've never heard of them. I mean, the first one set a record for... The first one? How many have there been? There have been several. There's been several people who have played. What's this now? Yes, from Tobey Maguire to Garfield. Tobey Maguire from The Icing Storm?

Yes, of course. He played Spider-Man. Yes, as did Garfield. Yeah. Garfield the cat. Yes. He hates Mondays. Yes. Loves lasagna. Yes, of course. And John Arbuckle is his best friend. Yes. And I remember that now. He lives next to Dave Alvin from the Chipmunks. Wow. So, yeah, no, they made a whole bunch of movies about it and-

Yeah, no, they're very popular. Good luck, I say. A lot of source material. So you are out there making your costume currently. Excuse me. You all right? Yeah, I just had to... Are you all right? Who are you, him? Are you... I just had to...

Are you having any residual effects from the radiation? I think ever since I got bit, I mean, I've been stronger. I can sense things. I have like a four of a sense. Do you mind taking off your little newsy cap to show us your head? Oh, my God. He's completely bald. Your hair seems to have fallen out. It's patchy. Are you shaving your head?

No, I just got bit by a spidey and then... Four for one moment. I'll just go stand in a corner for a minute. I won't get mad about it. Clumps of hair. Little clumps and his hat was full of hair. Full of hair.

Oh, it's terrible. This poor little fella. It's got radiation poisoning. I was going to say, you look, you're very fit, you're very lean. Thank you. But I think you might be emaciated, almost. Just, I don't, I mean, I just feel like... Not aunt-maciated. Yeah.

Not Aunt Maisie Gray made it, who was also in the Spice Riders. That's true. I don't say goodbye, but I joke. Try to walk away and not stumble. If I try to hide it, it's clear. My world crumbles when you are not here. Can I ask, Vorval, when you say you have powers, have you tested these powers out yet? A couple trials that were lighthearted and funny, where I swung and then hit a wall.

So when you say you swung. I could shoot little webs out of my toes. Look at the openings in his toes. Have you tried it? Are you just assuming you can do this because you were bit by the spider is what I'm getting at.

I, you know, I haven't, I chewed a little web out of my toe. I think that's what happens. And then I swung around for a little bit, but like, I'm not that great at it yet. It's still in the early stages. Put one of your little feeties up on the table, please. Okay, here we go. Now, Scottrick, Scottrick's here. He's got this sort of stuff going.

oozing out of the webbing of his toes yeah I think it's just it's like some sort of pus yes I don't know that it does anything other than disgust me four of all when you say you shot web out of something are you sure that you shot web out of something it's a Hollywood handbook you guys call your toes a penis right yeah that's what I'm getting at or were you just oh is that what you're getting at were you just fiddling about down there

And you shot some webbing out? Feeling about... Who's the whom? Wait, oh. Wait, my four of all sense is tingling. Are you... What does that mean? Are you all right? What's happening? Oh my gosh, are you all right? Are you going to... What is happening right now? Are you going to up shock?

Oh my gosh. Oh, boy. That's my formal sense. No, you're just getting... Danger is coming. No, you're just... Like Spider-Man. No, you're just very ill. Radiation sickness disease. Oh, boy. Use that trashing cat. All right.

Please, not on the earwolf table. There's so many wonderful signatures. Please, deposit your vomitus in that wasting basket. Yeah, it's my spider sense. It's from my superpowers. I don't think we have to worry about it. How many times do you get spider sense a day? Like in the mornings and after every meal and at night and sometimes while I'm sleeping. So almost constantly. Oh, gosh. Can I talk to you, Andrew Lloyd Webber? I'm just going to go sit in the corner for a second over here. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Forval's dying. He is. He's in the advanced stages of radiation poisoning. He's going to be dead within, I would say, within the next half to hour. Let me see. Let me check. Hey, hey.

I'm an amateur physician and I've seen these signs before. I would say 15 to 25 minutes, you'll be gone. You think 15 to 25? I think we... I think they're somewhere in the half hour. Are you certain? I think we probably need to take a break at some point and then come back. Yes. Yes, and there needs to be enough time after the break. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes, of course. Yeah, I think somewhere in the next half hour, 45 minutes, somewhere around there, he may be perishing. He may... Oh, I...

And in this case, I believe it is before his time, although I don't know how old he is. That's true. He may not be 18 yet. You know, Scottrick, I feel terrible because although he's been nothing but a terrifying murderer every single time we've encountered him, this time he's just a poor, weak little boy. A weak little boy like those... Dying of a radiated spider bite. Like the ones that we go visit on the weekends in the children's hospitals. Scottrick, that's not for public consumption. I didn't mean to brag. I'm sorry. Oh.

Forval, come back over here, Forval. Oh, dear. Sit down. Don't tie yourself out. Yes. Forval. I came like six feet. That usually isn't a problem for me, especially now that I have luber powers. Okay, Forval, we need to take a break. I hate to...

Okay. I hate to postpone anything. Give you a chance. Is your room spinning? I know. Just put your... No, it's you spinning. It's you spinning. It's the superpowers. Yes, it's your webs that you're spinning. Okay. It's really great to see you guys. Yes, we need to take a break. When we come back, we have some news that we need to give to you. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. So spider sense tingling. Oh boy. Okay. Get that wasting paper basket. We're going to go to a break. We'll be right back with more Andrew Lloyd Webber and Forval. I'm better now. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Boy, workplace stress, huh? I'm having it right now.

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Okay, today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome Crust. Thanks for having me. Today's topic, he's round with soft pillowy bread. Hey. Filled with delicious PB&J. Are you talking about yourself? And you can take him anywhere. Why'd you invite him? And we are out of time. Are you really cutting me off? Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. Sorry, Crust.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Andrew Lloyd Webber. And during the break, we wheeled in the spare hospital bed that we have...

In the next room for Just in Case Anything. Why is that here? Just in case anything were to happen. Has it ever come up before? You know, Jason Manzoukas, a.k.a. Jeffrey Caratowides, has brought it in. I love him. He's very good. He's wonderful. He's amazing. I wish he would do more characters than just that one. Well, he's like Pee Wee Herman, you know. Paul Rubens was good at that one as well as other ones, but just decided to stick with that one. Anyway, Jason brought it in in case anything were to ever happen to me.

Oh, in case anything would happen to you. Yeah, in order to make my final moments more comfortable. And Forval was spinning around on his webs so wildly that he got very dizzy and he wanted to lay down in the bed here. So happy to see you guys, but then I just felt a little under the weather out of nowhere, but it'll probably blow over because I got superpowers now and I'm in a great mood. Yes. Yes.

I don't even need a place to stay anymore. I don't even need to bother you guys about it. No, well, you're going to have a- And you both look great. I hate to tell you this, but you're going to have a permanent place to stay pretty soon. You're not going to believe this. I have some news, too. Really? What's your news? I'm having a little baby boy. What? What? Did you spin a web? Little four of a gold bird.

Goldberg? With Whoopi? I'm taking her name because I never had one. A woman in her at least 60s. Is that correct? Yeah. Was there some sort of in vitro kind of situation? Or a miracle? Yeah. It was a miracle? Yeah. I think it was after the spider bite. Oh, interesting.

Okay, so you're having a... So everything's great. I'm going to be a father. I thought you guys would be more happy. Like, I'm really starting to get my life together. We're delighted that a tiny little boy is becoming a father.

Well, who just learned to play with his penis for the first time. That's right. And is in some sort of sexual relationship with geriatric Oscar Winnow. Whoopi Goldberg. Call her geriatric. I mean, fucking. She's. So you're all. She's a woman of. Just relax. I apologize. I just meant that she's a woman of a certain age. That's my lady you're talking about. I know I'm in a great mood. She's wonderful. I detest eyebrows. I find them very attractive. You treat a lady with respect. Yes, of course. Especially one. I played Rita Miller in Ghost.

I forgot the character name. 526-34043 Rita Miller. Okay. So I'm the wrong name. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. My sister loved that movie. I do apologize. Okay. Your sister? Who loved it? Your sister? Yeah. Who's your sister? Nineville. Nineville. We've never heard of Nineville before. Yeah, she's a bitch. Uh,

Oh, you don't get along with her? Well, no, but she's got good taste in movies. Well, clearly. Human relationships are complicated. Correct. That's very true. That's also true. Aren't you happy for me? I mean, like, this is a big thing in my life and everything. Oh, gosh. Forval's sense tingling. Forval, um... There must be danger around. Yes, I'm afraid there is some danger around. There is imminent, imminent danger. Don't worry about the danger, guys. I'm here. I'll save you. Forval, have you seen the film...

Final destination. I have. You have? Well, then this will be easy to understand. You know how people died in that? Yeah. That's going to happen to you someday. Well, it's going to happen to everybody, Scott. Yes, it happens to some people sooner than others. Sometimes in 3D. Sure. Yeah, one time I think it did happen in 3D. Yeah, maybe the third time. I feel like it's a lot of- Probably, that sounds about right. Or the fifth, I'm not sure.

Probably around the third. I feel like it's just a lot of tires flying through the air and killing people. I believe they went to a racetrack at one point. Yeah. Poles through windshields. There's no way a knife didn't fly at the screen at some point. No way. No way. No absolute way. Look, yeah, it's going to happen to all of us, but much like the teenagers in Final Destination. I'm doing pretty good. I'm...

I got superpowers now, and I got a room and a home and a couple little jib-jabs going. But, Forval, what if... Everything's coming up, Forval, right now. Forval, send me one of those jib-jabs. But what if I were to tell you...

What if I were to tell you that you... And any dub smashes that you do, I would like to see those. Yes, please. Or any boomerangs. Yeah, do it. I don't want the boomerangs. Okay, good. Take him off the boomerang CC list. A couple bitmojis I'll throw you in. I do like bitmojis! Oh, they are the bomb. I do. But what if I were to tell you, Forval, that instead of a little tiny room...

You could have a giant cloud playground. Yes. With streets paved with gold and everyone you've ever loved would be there. Really? Yes. Doesn't that sound wonderful? You'd have Fry Vault. Fry Vault. And Nineville. You'd have Threeville, Nineville, Twoville. Sevenville. And Anville. Everyone but Fiveville. Yeah, Fiveville's a problem. Cincoville. Yep. My Spanish brother. Yeah. Si. Catorceville. Yeah. Yeah. They would all be there. They would all be there. And Whoopie too. Maybe.

Well, I don't know about Whoopi. Soon, she'll be along directly. It's just like Ghost. Sooner than you might think. Pass her a penny from under the door. Yeah, the original Ghost.

Even the fellow who played the mean ghost in Ghost, he'll be there. And Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze's there right now. Wow. Yeah. What if I told you that that could be yours and might be yours very, very soon? And will be yours. Well, I would say that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. It sounds like the most beautiful place on earth. But, I mean, not on earth, but...

I have still... I have things to do down here. I've just been blessed with these powers and I'm just starting to... I'm just starting to realize that life is worth living and it's not about stabbing. You're saying, well, what a wonderful realization you've finally come to. But are you saying you have unfinished business? Yeah. Hmm.

This complicates things. Forval, lie down for just a little bit. Conserve your strength. I need to talk to Scott Rick. Yes. I'll be right back. Just going to take a little nip-nip. Sidebar with Lloyd. Okay. Lord. Lloyd is right out of order. Lloyd Andrew Lord Webber. Of all the things you could call me, don't call me Lloyd. Christopher Lloyd. Christopher Lloyd-mas. What? You don't know what I'm talking about. Making lesson lessons. Well, look. What is going on here? You think he has unfinished business?

What I'm afraid of... Yes? Is that if we don't make him right with this idea that his demise is imminent... Yes? He will have unfinished business and he will haunt us as a ghost. Much like the dad who drank the acid?

On Christmas Eve? Wait, is he a ghost? I think he's a ghost. Oh, dear. Yeah. Much like the Sunset Boulevard house? Yes, the Sunset Boulevard house. With William Holden? Yes. In the pool? That house is haunted by the entire cast of Sunset Boulevard. Do you think William Holden, people always come up, would come up to him and say, hey, you William Holden, I need the pill.

I need the pill again. Do I think they would always do that? Yes, I need the pill. Give me that pill. Or do I think it ever happened? Either. God damn it. Oh, God. Take your pill. Okay. I'm back. Oh, full strength. You were starting to slip there, Fimo. Full strength. You started to say the stupidest shit.

I'm back though. I'm on the top of my game. Thank heavens. What do we need to do? Do we need to get him right with... Yes, we need to get him to accept what is to happen. Sure, the stages of grief. Yes. Yes, the final one. Exactly. Yes. Do we need to go through the other ones? Denial, et cetera? Denial. Yes. Hey, fuck you. Anger. Yeah.

Are you paraphrasing anger? Yeah, yeah. Hey, fuck you. Yeah, well, I couldn't remember that term, anger. Bargaining. Yes. Just a quick – Give me that pill. If you can't remember the term, you might need a mnemonic device that might help you remember. Okay, very good. Okay, so anger. Okay, so anger. What is A?

Anger. Okay. What's an? Here's the thing. Yeah? There's already a demonic device. Ooh, a demonic device. Ooh. A demonic device for this. Don't raise the mailer demon, please. It's dabda. Dabda? Denial. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Dabda.

Despair. Despair. And acceptance. Dab-duh? What about despair? Yes, okay, denial, anger, bargaining. Despair. Acceptance. How can anyone remember dab-duh? You just said it, so good work. That reminds me of my good friend Dabda Culperson. Okay, I'm back. Oh, hey. Thank you. Not for a moment too soon. The pills effects have not taken. Yeah, take that pill. You're saying some stupid shit. Take another pill. I wonder if you're taking so many of those pills. Give me a red. Decreasing the effectiveness. Give me a blue.

Where's Jessica Jones? Beyond limit, that's at this point. Oh, my gosh. That's Jessica Jones. Never mind. What is your unfinished business? Excuse me.

Just, you know, to bring... Shut up for one moment. What the fuck did you just say? That's from a comic book. Give me a red, give me a blue. Which character is that? Well, it's Nuke, but he... Yes, yes. He then moved from the Daredevil universe into Jessica Jones' television universe. Yes, I see. Wait, was he in the first season of

Yes, sir. Yes, that's right. I forgot that fellow took the pills. Yes, give me red, give me blue. Because when I think red and blue pill, I don't think of the Matrix fucking furs. No, no, no. Exactly, that's the thing. But then the... No, don't get on my side. You were just mean to me for a second. Now I'm pissed. Yeah, yeah, we're pissed at you. We're angry at you. We're angry at you, right, Marvel? Yeah, yeah, we're teaming up. You told me to shut up, man. This is a Marvel team-up? Yes, Hulk smash. Hulk smash. Hulk dump smash. Let me posit this. Avengers, let's ambo. What if...

Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't say a thing that made you mad. Oh, Watu the Watcher. Can you imagine that? This is a parallel universe. And he presents it to us right now. Forbidden to interfere, but he sees all. So there would be no Hulk smash mouth moments. No. Yeah.

Under the wire. Yeah, thank you. I think some listeners were a little upset I didn't get it in earlier. Forval, I do apologize. Yes. It's okay. Nothing but the highest esteem for you. Thank you. And you don't even have to apologize because I'm past that now. But it's all this superhero talk that's making me think that I have finally found my true calling, which is helping people instead of being a stappy little boob. Yes. Well, carry that kind of feeling forward.

into whatever happens next to you. You know what I mean? There's nothing for it. We've got to tell him. We've got to just tell him so he can accept it. We have to tell him, yes. Dubsmash. What is it again? Oh, dear. Dubya? Dabda. Dabda. What's happened? Forville. Forville. What's wrong? The spider that bit you is packed full of radiation. Yes. Oh, no. But it hasn't given you superlative powers. No. Hold on one sec. What?

Do you see how you're about to vomit? Yeah. That's not a special sense warning you the danger is imminent. The strange thing is I threw up four apples, but I'm only three apples high. How did you fit them in? Congratulations. That's why my belly was so distended. For the love, I'm afraid I have to tell you, you're dying.

You're dying. You're dying. You're almost dead. You're going to be dead within the next 20, 25, 30 minutes, probably after plugs. Oh, no. Yeah. Do you think really? I think exactly. Yes. It's a certainty. But for this is natural. Death comes to all things. Yes. Yes. But I was doing so well. In 100 years, none of us will be here. Just think of it that way.

We'll all be. Wealthy people will be. But I just turned it around. The singularity? I better not tell you now. All right. Yeah.

You just turned your life around, and what, at what better time could there be? I just fell in love and got a home and started a real life. But, but, but, but, Forval, what's wonderful is you did manage to do all these things before the end of your life, which is very, very soon. Yes, a lot of people don't get that chance. A lot of people are just miserable assholes right up until the moment they die. You Ebenezer Scrooge did, the one as big as me. Do I, so I'm definitely going to die? Yes, Forval. Yes, I'm afraid so. Is there anyone you want to call?

Goosebusters? Goosebusters? That's the only possible answer to that question. What do you think about the reboot? Even if I was dying, I think it's going to be great. I just don't know about turning them into women. What a strange question to ask. God, life is too short to be like this. Literally. I think if it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Woman, maybe.

But they got to do it across the board and then turn all the women from the first one into men. So I think that the ghost that gives Dan Aykroyd a blowjob, that's got to be a male ghost who gives Kate, you know, goes down on her or something like that. Those are my rules. And certainly all of the extras should all be gender reversed as well. Yes, exactly. They should count the number of extras. You know, Ron Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters. What? That's a real thing. You could see him predominantly featured during the last scene. Yeah.

Oh, God, no. Why are we wasting time? That's actually a real thing. Why are we wasting time talking about a real thing? I have no doubt. Conserve your strength, dear four of us. Is there anyone you want to call? Any family? Any whoopee? Do you want to call whoopee? Is there anyone who should be here at this hour? I don't know.

When I think about it, I don't know if I caught anybody. Oh, dear. I'm starting to feel so alone. Oh, dear. Almost like Kevin in that movie. I feel like I've been left here. Yeah. I feel like my next door neighbor is Mitch McAllister and he screwed this whole thing up for everybody. But he's really nice. And if he didn't exist, these movies wouldn't exist. Oh, no.

What do we do, Forval? What do we do? Can we make you comfortable at all? So you're no longer denying that you're going to die. Well, I mean, you guys seem so adamant about it. He did deny it for a minute. He said he did deny it for a minute, but now he doesn't seem to be. What's next in W? Well, it's A. What is it then? Dab-duh? Dab-j. Anger, anger, anger. Christ's sake. I can't remember it. Get it together, Scruffy. There's no way this could be happening. This mnemonic device is moving. There's no way this could be happening.

No, yes, you're just, you're angry. No! No, you're denying. I'm not gonna die! Okay, you're gonna stay alive! It's a dub smash. Oh my gosh. It's a whole dub smash. It's a mash-up dub smash of denial and anger. Oh my gosh. What's after that? Beauty? What is it? Why would it be beauty?

I don't know. I don't know what this is. Why would it be beauty? Bitterness? What is it? What's the B? Bargaining. Bargaining. Bargaining. I don't feel so good all of a sudden. Poor Forval. Poor Forval. Look, maybe if...

Maybe if you gave me some of your blood, I could stay alive. How would you want to get this blood? Through a transfusion of sorts. I don't know that we have the time to go through. When you say of sorts, what exactly are you talking about? Oh, yes, good catch, good catch. I mean, I'm not a medical doctor, but I would take my knife, cut your throat, and then maybe drink that shit. That's not really the way blood works. It doesn't have to be your throat. It could be your throat.

an arm or leg. No, no, I don't think that's going to do the trick. Yeah. Plus, I don't think you can find a vein on me. Look, I don't think it's going to... I'll wait to have that explained to me later. Yeah, I don't think... The pill's away, you know. I don't think it's going to happen. What's next? Dub-duh-duh-duh-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-de

What is it? Why would there be an A after death? It stands for after death. No, it doesn't. AD? Please. What is it? Despair. Despair. The saddest one. Just sad because I just got a room and I just got all this nice stuff and now I'm going to...

And you have a son on the way. I have a son. Although, one moment, Forval. Yes? I'm not sure about this son business. I don't know about this. He thought he had superpowers. Yeah, but at the same time, we've never gotten his age. He couldn't, you know? Do you have pubes? Excuse me? Just kidding.

You heard me. Rather a personal question towards the end, but please do answer it. Yeah. See, I think he's old enough to... But they're not on me. Yeah. I just carry them around in a bag. I think his seed... Are they yours or someone else's? I don't know. Wait, is it Jay Davidson's? It's Jay Davidson. Oh, no. From the Crying Gang. Certainly. I don't keep them in my bandolier. I'm wondering if his seed might find purchase. Perhaps. I don't know. I don't know. In Whoopi Goldberg's Baron Womb? No.

I think anything's possible at this point. He might have a son. Today has proven that Scott Rigg is right. I don't know. I do. I have a little bit. It's terrible. Four and a half, though. Four and a half, though. Yes. Oh, this is terrible. Did you hear that? What was that? That was a real stomach sound. Well, these sorts of things happen at the end. What's next in Dubya? In Dubda? Dibdab? Dibdab? Jibjab? What is it?

It's dabbeder, as it has been for the past 15 minutes. What is it? A. Anger. No, we've done that one. It's acceptance. Acceptance. Forval, you're going to die.

I am. You are! Okay, that was quick. He's all in. With a bullet. Well done, you. Wow. Okay. Forval, yes. I'm so sorry. I take your right. But, Forval, may I say... That's it for little old Forval, boy. May I say that...

I'm so glad that we got to see you once more. One last time. You've turned your life around. You've been such a friend to the show. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Yeah. I came here with the goodwill and kindness of a little orphan boy. Yes. And I, like, killed everything and did a bunch of bad stuff, and you guys are so nice to accept me back. Yeah. And what I thought was going to be a new chapter in my life turned out to be... The end. The end.

The end. As Coco Marx would say. Yeah. Yeah. Rather rough. Yeah, that was... Yeah, yeah. My God. It's terrible. It's terrible. And I think, you know what? By my clock, you only have probably through plugs. So I think we should actually get to the plugs. Otherwise, we're not going to be able to hear your last words. All right. It's time for a little something we call plugs. My last plugs. Don't listen to some plugs.

Wow, that was gonna listen.

To the Roman numerals, parentheses, sump, lugs, end parentheses, by Loco Porlos Cornballs. My goodness, that is a mouthful. All right, what are we plugging? Andrew Lloyd Webber, what do we have? Please search out Musical Semicolon Theater on YouTube. I think you'll enjoy it. And perhaps you'll get to hear the unheard pilot to Musical Semicolon Theater featuring me and Gino Lombardi. Yes, I want to hear that.

A lot of people want to hear it. There's a reason no one has heard it until now. Oh, okay. It's a bit rough. Are you going to dust off some of that gold, though, eventually? No, we'll release it as it was recorded. As it was recorded. Yes, we'll let people judge, but it's not up to my standards, of course. Okay, well, you have very high standards. I do. Yes, all right. Four of all, four of all, we must see. Four of all, please. Oh, my gosh. Poor little chap. Poor little chap.

What do you want to plug? Even his coughing is adorable. Other than Whoopi Goldberg. Hey, okay. A rogue to the end. Oh my, you're high-fiving me. So hard. So many times. So many five-fives. Five-fives? Do you call them five-fives? My God. That's what I call them. What do you want to plug here? But no one will ever know. Aside from Whoopi Goldberg. We'll know. We'll tell people. I just want to plug...

My son, four and a half, Bill. Because once I go, someone's going to need to take care of him. Well, I always believe in my heart of hearts that when one soul leaves this earth, another soul comes into it. And the population increasing probably –

decries that but I think that I think that that's really true so I think I think that God never closes a door without taking a life no that's the sadistic fucking thing I've ever heard of oh I suppose it is and God makes a better door than a window

Yeah, he was a carpenter. Sure, of course. He can buy a window from the other chap who does the windows. You want a door, you go to God. You want a window, you go to a window guy. You really should. That's not something to screw around with. First of all, your heating bill? Exactly, this is what I'm saying. It affects the whole thing. Yes, it really does. Oh no, oh no. Let's close up the old plug bag.

He doesn't have much time left. He doesn't. Poor little fellow. Gonna listen to some plugs. Gonna listen to some plugs. Gonna listen to some plugs. Gonna listen to some plugs. Gonna listen to some plugs. Gonna listen to some plugs. Gonna listen to some plugs.

Just wanted to add to the song before I died. Thank you so much. Oh, to leave a piece of yourself, something to remember you by. You're welcome. A little piece of immortality. Just a little piece of Forval, the old Finlay people. He's slipping away. Literally. Take my hand. Take my hand. Take my other hand. Take both our hands. Not the one you already took. Take my other one. This is more comfortable for me. That's a nicer hand. Yeah, Forval. Oh, goodness. What's happening? It's getting so...

So cold. You're crossing over, dear boy. Do you see that light? I see it. Do you see it?

Go towards it, little fellow. Go towards it. But I want to stay. I have so much to do. You really don't. I really do. No, you don't have anything. I think I have more to do. No, you've got nothing. You've got nothing. Whips! I'm swinging out of here! What?! Why did you try and make me think I was going to die? I'm stronger than all of you! We thought you were dying! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, wait! Whip!

He did die. He did die. He had a weird burst of strength right before his demise. He did have super strength, obviously. That's so strange, though. And he had web powers. Yes. And then he stabbed us. I'm really bleeding out of this. I'm bleeding. He also made a sort of web fist that he was swinging around and hitting us with. Like one of those Hulk hands. Yes. Yeah. And it made this weird.

It made the guh sound when it hit. Oh, my gosh. Jesse Falcon, I believe, had something to do with that. And what? And what? What? He's dead. He's dead. He's really dead? He's lying here next to Alan Thicke. Ew, why is that still here? It's so hard to clean up. And who's that over there? No, Todd's back. He came back to life, so. Well, then who is that over there? I don't know.

That's from some other show, I think. Well, God, Forval's really dead. I never thought I would see this day. He's really dead. But this is incredible, you know? Like I said, I truly don't believe that anyone leaves this earth without leaving a little something of themselves behind. What's that? Do you hear that rap-tap-tapping at this chamber door? Hmm. Tis a...

Let it go. I can't remember. Apparently. And I've said it on my show. Yes. Yes, surprise. Tis something and nothing more. Take another pill. Oh, I want that pill. Hey, why don't we open the door? It's probably... Certainly. I'm sure it's someone... Go ahead, open that door. Here we go. The door opening, little tiny crack. Do you hear that? Do you hear something? I just asked you that. Well...

There's no one behind the door. No, but I did see it open a little tiny crack. What is that? I'm looking for my dad. Oh, Scottrick, look down there. Look at that. About half an apple high. He's impossibly small. He's so small. Just me and my Rottweilers. What? My tiny Rottweilers. Look at those. Eww.

Oh, they're adorable. But also somewhat terrifying. Yeah, it's a lot like those tiny dinosaurs at the beginning of Jurassic Park 2, The Lost World. Yes, they're slavering jaws, putting me ill at ease. I just came. You must be four and a half, Bill? Yes.

We have some terrible news. Yes, I'm sorry, little fellow, but your father has passed on, I'm afraid. The fuck are you talking about? Your father had radiation poisoning. No, he had superpowers. As well as superpowers, we found out. As it turns out, he had a very brief burst of superpowers, but mostly radiation poisoning. Yes, and he is lying upon the floor next to Alan Thicke right here. Then he lost the will to live.

He went through five stages of grief. Dabbed it? Yes, dabbed it. Now see, how does he, he knows it right away. I don't know. He dabbed it. It.

Well, why didn't you tell him that he could make it? Why didn't you give him the support that he needed as a friend? Well, we thought that we should get to the hour in Dabda. Yes, we thought we were giving him support by helping him to accept his imminent death. Yeah, and how do you know we didn't, by the way? You don't tell him to go away from the light. You don't tell him to go towards it. How do you know that we did all these things? I'm assuming you did. Oh, yeah, well, that's a good assumption because we did. I also have superpowers because I was...

Born after he was bitten. So I have a spider scent and I can hear real well through the walls. What? Like spiders can. Spider sense hearing through walls. I forgot that spiders... It's almost like I'm a spider four and a half. This is incredible. You sons of bitches killed my dad. Well, no. He was dying. And he stabbed us before he passed on. That's true. Well, I think that he was right. Damn, damn, damn.

I know these are very tiny, but how does it hurt so much? Take that and that! I will return! Come on, Pony! He hopped onto the straw twiler and threw it away! My right wiler named Pony! This season, let your shoes do the talking. Designer Shoe Warehouse is packed with fresh styles that speak to your whole vibe without saying a word.

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