Bonus Bang: Time Bobby (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs being, of course, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. And this is a very exciting series we're about to embark upon because we are, for the next four weeks, going to be featuring the iconic Time Bobby episodes. That's right, Time Bobby. This started as...

but a mere episode that we recorded and thought people would like. The first one turned out to be one of the most favorite episodes of the year that year, and we followed it up with several sequels. So this week, we're releasing the first time Bobby episode. This was released March 26th, 2012 as episode 156.

And it features Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Bobby Moynihan from SNL as the stab-happy orphan Forval. This was voted as the best episode of 2012 in the best ofs of that year. So, hey, I think you're in for a good one. If you enjoyed this and you want to hear more episodes featuring Paul F. Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan,

Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes that you can't find anywhere else, plus every single live show. All of this ad-free. New episodes ad-free. Bonus shows like CBB Presents Scott Hasn't Seen.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy bang! Comedy Bang! Comedy bang! Comedy bang! Comedy bang! Comedy bang! Comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bang! comedy bg! comedy

I wish I had more tie-dyed t-shirts.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you so much for that catchphrase submission, Charlie Craft. And yeah, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. I'm back from my travels. This is, by the way, if you have never heard the show before, my name is Hot Saucerman. And I'm back. I'm back from South by Southwest. Thank you so much to everyone who came out to see us at South by Southwest to see the shows.

Had some great shows. You heard the one that we put out last week, and then thanks for coming out to all the other ones, the stand-up shows and that weird IFC show that we did in the strange IFC house. Apologies to anyone who came out to that to see us.

Turn that into a debacle. And yeah, I'm back now. We're done with the show. We're in post, the TV show. We're in post-production. If you don't know what post means, post-production is what that means. We're editing them together. They're coming out great. I can't wait for you guys to see it. Thanks so much for all of your kind words about the sneak peek that we put out. And speaking of the sneak peek...

We have one of the guests that you saw on the sneak peek here for the entire hour. This is quite a treat because sometimes he comes barging in here like some loudmouth buffoon. But we have him here all hour. He's here for a quiet, sedate interview. And we're just going to get into it. I mean, I'm very excited because I, you know, growing up, as many of you know, a musical theater person.

I loved his work growing up. First of all, I came to know his work from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I saw that when I was 14 years old, thought it was fantastic. Then segued into a more, in my opinion, a more adult tone with Jesus Christ Superstar. But then the hits just came.

Yep, to Oncoming with Hey Vita, which you can see on Broadway right now with Ricky Martin. And from Hey Vita, we went to Hey Cats and Hey Phantom of the Opera.

And so many more, and he's here to talk to us about all of those and what he has going on now. I want to welcome to the program our very special guest for the entire program. He's a musical theater legend. He is, I would say, a composer, not as much a librettist. He usually finds other people to write the words for him, but maybe we're going to find out about some of his future projects.

But you know him. How long can this intro go on? I know. You know him as Lord ALW. Andrew Lloyd Webber is here with us. What do you know, Scott? I've been holding my breath for the entirety of that introduction. I had no idea. Why did I do it? Why would you? I was not required to do so. No, I never asked you. Under the podcast jewel bylaws.

Why? A gentleman holds his breath during an introduction. Everyone knows this. Well, maybe you're just soaking all of that in. You don't want to exhale. A gentleman never soaks anything in. I noticed that you've tied a ribbon around your microphone. I have. For the troops. Yes, I know. Which troops, by the way? Grenada. Grenada.

I'm late on my walls. I'm just getting around to Grenada. Just getting caught up. Yes. Oh, those bloody Falklands. Thank God that's over. Yes. Well, welcome. Welcome, Andrew. You know, you've been a guest on this program many times. Countless. And this is the first time that you've been an invited guest. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

Usually we're doing the show, if people have heard the show before, usually we're doing the show and I talk to one of our guests. Correct. And in the middle of the show, some oddball comes in. And you're sometimes... I'm certain you don't lump me in that particular category. No, no, no. You're an actual theatrical gentleman. Yes. Who occasionally comes in. Legend, some say. Some say. I just said it.

Wouldn't kill you to repeat it. All right, you're a legend. Thank you. All right. So, welcome to the show. It's always great to see you. Thank you, Scottrick, for actually inviting me. Now, in a way, you have invited me because you have an open-door policy. I do. When it comes to you, sometimes I need to invite you because you're a lot like a vampire. Yes, that's true. Where you won't step into a room until... I think it's because of my middle.

I wear this medallion. Your Dracula medallion and your cape? Dracula medallion is, of course, the style of medallion that it is. It refers to the shape. I have not been awarded it for Dracula activities. Dracula-ic activities.

I wish I'd said that the first time. Ah, well, we could always snip that out. I wish you would. Nope. So, welcome to the show. Yes, you're an invited guest. Thank you. You were saying. Yes. So, I sometimes just had to barge in here when the spirit moved me, when I had something about which to speak, a burning desire to share my thoughts with the world via your podcast. You quite often have several new ideas of theatrical endeavors. I say, that's true.

I'm always thinking, don't you know? You see, I work in my dreams. So when I fall asleep each night, or sometimes during the day when none of us get to get a younger darling, I shall go into this cloud cuckoo land where I think of my ideas for musicals. Ah, that's where they all come from. I noticed that some of your ideas are a little bizarre. Well, a lot of them involve being naked in my old high school.

I would love to see that new musical that you have planned. There was one new one that I had been working on called My Mom's House, only it's not my mom's house. But

But I point me that I have to rush down here to the Earwolf Studios and share with the world these thoughts that I have because I'm bursting with the zeal of creativity. Well, we have plenty of time today to hear about all of these ideas. Thank heavens. Because I look forward to spending this time with you. We're going to do all this. Being the sole guest. Mano a mano, one on one. Man to man. Uno to uno. Uno to uno.

And nothing will ever interrupt us. Not a single thing. Until we reach the end of the program. That's right. In which case, we will be interrupted by the program's conclusion. Yes, and that may not be an interruption as much as it will be a denouement.

Oh, I like when you use theater terms. Thank you so much. Thank you. So first... Ask me. May I say? Yes. At this point, it's rare that I do such a thing. Scottrick, you may ask me anything. Nothing is out of bounds. Nothing is off limits. It's all fair in love and war and this interview. We may chat about this, that, even the other thing, which I have...

Here to for forbidden any, any journalist to ask me about. Right. All right. Well, let me try to delve deep then. I am an open book and lyrics. I would love to ask you something just maybe that no one has ever asked you before. I dare you to do so. All right. Who would you say are the two main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar?

This is an excellent question. No one has ever asked me this. Usually, everyone just knows. If I were to state definitively who the main two characters are in Jesus Christ of the Star... Also, you could expand it to main three, too. Oh, I like the way you think. This is certainly... This is two unasked questions in a row. Oh!

The main two characters are in order, I would say. In order of importance or in order of appearance? Both. Okay, great. Now, I can't remember who appears first. Please don't hold me to that. I believe Judas appears first. All right. Then this would be in order of importance, in my mind. The curtain rises. Yes. Lights up. Both of those kind of usually at the same time. Everyone is told backstage, stop whistling, stop saying Macbeth.

And then, all of a sudden, Judas appears on stage. That's right. There he is. And you hear that famous refrain. Always there are some boos in the audience. Yes, always. They recognize him. Boo! You betrayed our Lord! Then Judas twirls his mustache. That's right. He puts on his top hat. Yes. He stands up from the train tracks wearing his tie, Jesus Christ. And he asks Mary Magdalene for the rent. That's right. She says...

I cannot pay this rent, you ask. Yes. And he says, ah, but I am Judas Iscariot, and I demand you pay 30 rents. 30 pieces of rent. Yes. 5,000, 2,100, 600 rents. Yes. And then Jesus bursts from his ropes, and he says, Jesus smash. Then he goes on a rampage.

Smashing this and that The military is called in Yes, of course And they start firing at him But the shells The shells just bounce off of his skin He says, you make Jesus angry Puny humans Puny humans Yes Then Punch's pilot comes in Yes And he says And he punches Punch's He punches Punch's

Who becomes a pilot, gets in a plane, but he can't fly it because he's so scared of the controls being dirty, he keeps washing his hands. Yes, of course. The plane crashes. Yes. Jesus resurrects everyone from the plane crash. Smash cut 2. It's 20 years later. The Skydead Corporation has taken over all of Judea. Yes.

Oh my goodness, what an amaz- Now, many of you have probably not seen this program because you're not theater nerds like us No, no, I imagine you like your sporting events Yes, cricket Your North American baseball Your North American football What's that? Football Sounds familiar It's a game where it has a quarterback and he touches the ball with his foot a lot Oh, you mean like English soccer? Yes, of course Yes Okay

So, um, and that's Jesus Christ Superstar, and there's the character. Okay, fantastic. Well, I have many more questions like this, so... I hope you have thousands and thousands. So here we go. The more probing, the better. Okay. You may ask me personal things. Doesn't need to just be work-related. I'm giving you carte blanche. Okay, alright. Personal questions. How

do you feel about the main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar? Do you feel like they're the right ones that you picked? And who are they? Do you know, Scott Rick, I have conversations with the characters from my musicals almost every... Who's that knocking? This is highly regular! This has never happened in the middle of an interview. What? Who's this little ragamuffin? Look at this street urchin! Who are

Are you Andrew Lloyd Webber? Oh my god, hi. I'm a fan. Yeah. Yeah, I was lost and I heard your voice outside to Arcadia. Yeah, I wouldn't recognize that voice.

I like the cut of this young man's jib. I do too, I do too. But this is, you're lost in the building, young man? I got lost. I'm so sorry. I was outside, I was so lost, and I heard the voice, so I came in because I'm hungry, I was looking for scraps. Oh.

How long have you been lost? For a couple years. What? A couple years, you say? Yeah. That's a long time to be lost, little boy. I don't ever watch your calendar, so I don't know the exact time. Do you know the day that you... Yeah, you may borrow my calendar. It was the third... Really? Yes, there you are. Andrew Lloyd Webber, this calendar. Wow, what's on that calendar? It's you.

Look at this calendar. What's on there? It's beautiful. So many days. Aside from the days, he scribbled little appointments on there. Tell us some of those. It's got one for a new topic of a film he's doing. First film ever. Wait a minute. A new film. This is a scoop.

He's never ventured into that, I know, because I follow his work a great deal. Well, you've been gone for the last two years, though. How would you know if he's talked about it? Newspapers. Oh, okay. Do you see newspapers every day? Yeah, that's what I sleep on, because I don't got a home. Oh, these newspapers don't have a date on them? They do, but I only got one good eye. Oh, I feel like a fool for asking that. Seems like plenty to read a date on a newspaper, though. I'm sorry. One good one? Yeah. Seems like you could read a date.

Well, kind of, but let's not get down to brass tacks or anything. All right, no, I'm sorry to press you on this. Leave the little boy. Excuse me, I'm starving, so I get a little on edge sometimes. Oh, I understand. Scott, do we have any food here at the studio for this little boy to eat? Any kind of scraps? I mean, all I have is sort of the fat that I cut off of my steak earlier today. That would be the greatest. Mm.

I don't know. I don't want, you know, I mean, it's bad for your health. I don't know. I was saving that for my dog. He is a ragamuffin. I'm better than a dog. I'm a human boy. He does outrack dogs.

All right, here, have my table scraps. Thank you. Here you go. Wait, unwrap. Yeah, don't. You're eating the foil. You're eating the swan foil. There's vitamins in the foil. No, please, unwrap it if you could. Okay. Yeah, okay. You're very hungry. Thank you so much. I haven't eaten in years. Wow. Is that medically possible for you to survive that long? I don't know. I don't got a real doctor.

Fair enough. That makes sense. See, we're just using science that we know. But you say a doctor would be able to tell you if not eating. A doctor could tell you anything. It's the most trusted man in the business world. And to be fair, Scottrick, perhaps we've become used to medical advances that have happened in the last two years. That's true. Perhaps we know that doctors can tell people that...

Yeah, that's a good start. I get what you're saying. So it's commonplace to us now, but for this little boy, emerging from the fog of two years ago. Do you remember it? 2010.

Oh, I wish I could. Oh, no, actually 2009, because we taped this in 2011. Oh, that's right. I keep forgetting that. Yeah, we taped it a year in advance. I keep forgetting it's 2011. That's because I got your calendar. That's exactly why. Give him back his calendar. You can have your calendar back. Yeah, I give you these table scraps, ones as big as yourself. Oh, thank you. Where did you get so many table scraps? I'm just always carrying them around. Really? For what purpose? For just such an occasion, in case I meet orphans.

I'm an orphan. You can take me if you want. Put me in a musical. Are you, dear boy? Are you an orphan? I used to be an actor. Is that so? Yeah. You've trod the boards. I did a lot of musical theater when I was just a baby boy. Is that... What productions? Would I have seen any of these? I was in Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, that's what I'm saying! Yeah.

What role did you play? Jesus Christ. He's one of the main three. May I be candid? Sure. He's the main number one. Wow. The most important character. All right. Jesus Christ Superstar. So you played Jesus Christ Superstar. We just called him Jesus Christ in the musical. So can you sing one of the songs for us? I wore my coat with golden lines.

I love it when Jesus wears his coat in that show. It's just like he shows it off and he's real. Because it's a big coat. It's real nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It must have looked even bigger on you. You're just a little baby boy. I still got it. What? I still got it. Really? Yeah. Why aren't you wearing it now? It got stolen. Oh, no. You don't still got it after all. I was on the street sleeping and a man took it. Now, may I ask you, young man? Yeah.

What are the curious circumstances that led you to be a homeless little fellow? My parents were dead. Oh. So did you run away from an evil orphanage a la Annie? Yeah, and a rich man took me in for a little while, and they got me into a theater program. Oh, that's so nice of him. So that was nice. That sort of broadened your horizons. I just wanted scraps.

Well, I'm sure that if he was a rich man, you could have eaten anything. He was a very rich man. Ice cream sundaes? He gave me lots of good food. Ice cream sundaes. He gave me a banana once. I put it on the ice cream sundae, and that's how the banana split got created. I don't know if you know that fact. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. I have to ask you, young man. Well, the second time it was created. Oh. No further questions?

So when you created it, when it became something in your mind? Yeah. Okay, great. I had never seen one before. So you actually created it because you'd never seen one before nor heard of one. Yeah, I create things all the time. I just created an air conditioner. Someone can invent something even if it exists. Yes, if they don't know it exists, they think they've invented it. It's like someone who writes a joke that already exists. You still wrote the joke. Great minds think alike, as they say. Yeah, baby.

I just made that up right now. I'm sorry to tell you. This is the creation. The young man Austin Powers has copyrighted that. What's Austin Powers? He was a great agent. You've been gone for longer than two years. A great agent. Am I six? So what happened to the rich man, though? He put you into this theater program and then... He threw me away.

A little dumpster. This cruel fellow. So you were in a theater program. I found, I was walking the streets looking for scraps in a very rich part of town. And the rich man picked me up and he said, can you sing? I said, yeah. Okay. And he put me in a theater program. Okay. But what happened then? I don't understand because you're under the care of a rich man. It seems like you. I get, sometimes I can be a bit much. Oh.

Oh, you're a handful. Yeah. Now, Scottish is right. Normally, for an orphan to become under the care of a rich man, it is a consummation devoutly to be wished by orphans. But you're saying it was through some personality quirk of your own. Yeah, I get stabby. What is that? Now, I'm not familiar with American slang. What does that mean? Cranky? I live on the street, so I've got to know how to take care of myself and be a tough guy. Certainly. Wow.

Are you wise? Sometimes I get stabby. Again, I do not believe what he's trying to say, Lord ALW. Please call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Please call him that. He deserves the respect. Thank you, young orphan. What is your name, by the way? We haven't even asked you your name. My name? Is it Fagin? It's Forvel. Forvel. It's like Fievel, but one less.

So, wait, what was I saying? Oh, stabby. I think what he's trying to say is he actually stabs people. Oh, yeah, all the time. Is that what you mean? You gotta take care of yourself. You gotta know how to stab or else you'll get, you know, you get taken away. Well, you're not wrong there. Are you carrying a weapon right now on your person? I'm not carrying it. It's in my pocket. Semantics. He's got you.

Technically, his pocket is carrying it. My hands are all greasy from the scraps, so I don't want to get it on a knife, because then the stabbing won't be so accurate. And to be fair, you did make him unwrap the scraps. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, that actually is in our favor. In case he wants to pull that knife, it may slip out of his hands. Why so ever should he want to pull that knife? No, you guys seem nice. We are. I am. So did your father figure, the rich guy, I would imagine. Yeah, he was nice.

He was nice. Why, why, why, why were you compelled to become so, as you put it, stabby? He's got a mouth on him. He don't know when to stop. Is that so? Oh, my. If you tell me to clean my room and I'm not ready to clean my room, fucking...

Please. Young man. Young man. Horrible. Don't fuck with me. Horrible. Horrible. Come on now. I mean, I hesitate to even criticize you. It's okay. I like your show. I'm a fan of the show, too. Wait, you know this show as well? Of course. Ah.

How did you get lost right outside my building then? I got lost all over the place, but right outside I heard a beautiful voice and I came to it. I didn't even know. It was like it was pulling me towards like a rapture of some kind. You've been gone for two years. It's 2011 right now because we taped the show a year in advance. So how have you even heard the show? Have you been listening outside the door this whole time? Sometimes I'll just go up close to people's ears when they have headphones in and try and listen in on the streets. Oh, that's nice.

That's not annoying. Yeah. No, they hate it. Well, I curse those people. You're an adorable little fellow. Thank you. I would be delighted to show you. Coming from you, that's a dream. I would feel much more comfortable if you disarmed yourself. If you just sort of put that out on the table and just said... That's one. One? One?

Large knife? Butterfly knife. I invented that. In what way did you invent that? Because that's an actual professional knife. I just thought of it, so I bought it.

You bought it. You didn't, I mean... Well, sometimes I like to say that's inventing things. May I ask? I'd never had one before and I'd never seen it, so when I bought it, I said, now this is something I could get used to. Young Master Fawful, may I ask you, when you say butterfly knife, are you referring to the shape or its purpose? Oh.

I have killed many butterflies. By knife? Yeah, because they don't know when to fucking... Oh, again! Young fellas! They just fly near you and it's in your personal space and you gotta teach these fucking things a lesson. Oh, please! Where did you learn this kind of language? The streets. Oh.

Okay, I understand now. Now you have it, yes, the streets. We have to judge him on a different scale than normal people who have been raised correctly. At times when he uses such vile words, he sounds like a regular cockney, as if he's been born between the sound of both males. I was in my fair lady, too. Is that so? What role did you play? Alfred Doolittle, the father, clearly. Oh.

Meaning get me to the church on time? Get me to the church on time. It's a wonderful song. Oh, I love that song. Even better hearing a little child sing it. Thank you. It's a brand new meaning. Did you know the songs in that musical were written by the Monkees? No, Rest in Peace. Yes, they did not write their own songs. Watch next year. Watch this now.

Yes. That's the other thing. I'm into the future. Somebody should tell him. I'll get around to it. Scottrick, you're burying the lead here. You're a time traveler? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've never mentioned that on the show before. Why? Why have I not? I ping pong back and forth from a year in the future. Are you in control of this? I regulate sort of what happens. You know, I'm sort of a time policeman. A time copper? We don't like to be called cops.

I do apologize. Time Bobby? Time Bobby is much better. He doesn't like that, Andrew. I'll stab this guy. No, no, no. Please don't. Please, Forval, do not stab. See, right, this is what's worrying me about you. He's a genius man, but he don't mess with people. I know, but that's what's troubling to me is that just a second ago you said you would never stab either of us. No, I wouldn't. And now you're saying that you will stab one of us. Just watch your step is all I'm saying. You seem entirely too ready to stab.

I'm just good at it. I mean, the good thing is, though, at least your weapons are equidistant from the three of us. They're just right there in the middle of the table. Any of us could reach over. I like to keep it fair. Yeah, so if it ever comes to it during the course of this program, we all have a good equal chance at grabbing the...

knife, although it does look a little slippery because your hands... It's greasy. Yeah, with grease. Grease scraps. Scraps greased. So that may come into play. If it ever comes to that, I'm not saying it even will because hopefully we'll be great friends. I doubt it will. But, you know, it may come into it. It may slip out of some of our fingers if we ever grab it. I'm sure we will remain the best of companions through the entire podcast. Everyone's just gotta stay cool. Yeah, we'll all stay cool. I'm sure we will, right? Let us all stay cool. Alright. As Fonzie. Tell you what, I do want to take a little bit of a break here. Why?

Why? Well, you know, to pay the bills. I don't understand. What does that mean? I need about two minutes to go online and pay some of my bills. Some bills? Yeah, you know, just my electric, my cable bill. I wish I had bills. Oh, we'll get to that because...

we may have some bills for you. Yes. I bet we do. Whatever Olafen wants. Yes. Responsibilities of a home. All right. So let's take a break and we will be right back here with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Forvo. We'll be right back. Comedy Bang Bang.

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Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, come on. I do apologize. That is, in large part, all I do on this program. You were doing the... And you're trying to take it away from me. You're resetting. Yes, of course. I do apologize. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, I'm doing it again. Again, yes. I do apologize. I would have much appreciated if you would zipper your lip up. Apologies. As a lord, I'm very used to having my own way. He's the host. Let him do his job or else, you know. Awful. I...

You know, you got a Conan, you got a lot of stuff going on. Let him do his thing. I would regular Stacy's mom.

A reference. Yes. Do you like Fountains of Wayne? I love references. Fountains of Wayne, though, do you enjoy them? What's that? It's the band that sings that song, Stacy's Mom. What song? Stacy's Mom. You just know it as a saying? I know Stacy and I know her mom. Oh, okay. I see. I understand. Well, we're back here with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Hello. Hello.

And, you know, Forville, I wanted to sort of get it. You know, we were in the middle of a mano a mano, one-on-one, heart-to-heart with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. And as much as your problems are interesting to us both...

Thank you. And one of us may want to adopt you. Oh, no way. At one point, yeah. It's entirely possible. You're making a 90% good impression. I'll treat you right. Just let this program be an audition for you. Okay. Okay. The 10% is the stabbiness. Yeah. I understand. It's hard to overcome.

That 10% is really weighing heavily on me. Makes a difference. Yeah, yeah. I know about auditioning because I auditioned when I was a baby. How did you get the parts, by the way? I mean, you auditioned. Were you the best? How did you get to the audition? I don't know.

I would crawl. A crawl or sometimes in a papoose. A papoose, you say? Yeah. Like a red Indian. Were you ever put into a basket on the river? Once, yeah. Really? Like Moses from biblical times. You should do a musical about Moses. No? Not interested? Too Old Testament-y. You've done...

I did Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, yes. Yes, Old Testament. That was my foray into the Old Testament. And that covered all of the Old Testament in your mind. It's just so dreadfully ridiculous. That's where a lot of people would say the great stories of the Bible are. They're all made up, though. Well, sure, but so is... They're false.

Yeah, of course, but so is most of... The ludicrous fairy tales. Are you trying to say that your shows are non-fictional? Yes. The Phantom of the Opera? Yes. Is a non-fiction tale? You've heard of the opera. Phantom is a word. I would agree, yes. It's in the dictionary.com website. Therefore...

Phantom of the Opera. Okay. This is a lot like... Symbol logic. ...forval inventing stuff, I think. He's a very clever lad. Yeah. I mean, I know that I didn't really invent the things. I'm not fucking stupid. Language, please. Unbecoming. I don't like the way that you motioned your head towards me, too, to try to startle me. Don't get in my way. Okay.

Paul, may I ask you? Yeah. Were I to adopt you, and I'm not saying I'm going to. This is a rich guy, just like the other rich guy. I am still in the audition process. Very well, Dave. I won't count my chickens yet. I own a space shuttle. If...

Were I to adopt you and I attired you in a little velvet short pants suit, I gave you a hat, straw hat with a big bow on it. A straw hat with a big bow. Let you grow out your golden curls. What about a lollipop? I would give you the biggest lollipop you've ever seen. A lolly, as they're known. A lolly.

Do you think that would curb your tendency to swear and use this gutter language? Yeah, I'm a good kid. I just want to be loved. It's just if someone messes with you or if someone tries to break into the home, they're going to get fucking what they deserve. Oh, I don't know. You know, one thing maybe that you need to learn is that when someone criticizes you or gives you instructions, an adult figure, it is a form of love.

And I know that you're used to people withholding love from you, but it actually is a form of love because it's guidance and it's someone showing that they care about you. That's nice, but, I mean, still...

I'll break your fucking neck if you cross me. I do feel like you're missing the point of what we're trying to do. Just don't cross me. I'm just saying. That's not... Okay, all right. I'll come to your house. I'll clean. I'll do my chores. I'll be good. I'll help you transpose your music. Oh, thank you. Now you're talking. I'll do anything I want. Because the keys are getting a little high for you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I've noticed lately. Well, you know, because I will... The way I have my cast members learn the songs is I sing them to them over and over and over again until they learn them.

Yes, of course. Because you don't know how to play piano. That's the weird part. I don't even, I'm not even sure what a piano is. It's that thing, it has 88 keys and... It was like the movie Dick Tracy. Yes, of course. Yeah, 88 keys. It's a very weird reference. No, but you know what?

I love that you have a breadth of knowledge about cinema history. Yeah, I'm pretty good with that. You're quite a little... I'm a little scamp. You're a little scamp. It's true. So I do want to ask you, before we get to my question to you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, we never found out exactly what happened to the rich old man. Was he old, by the way? Oh, Skaldrick, Skaldrick. Yes.

This is a good line of inquiry. Okay. I don't know whether he was old or not. You never said he was old. You just said he was rich. He was old. How old was he? 74. Wow. That is elderly. Rich, elderly man. And we've never found out his fate. Will he ever see 75? No. No. He's passed over. He passed. He passed. Yeah. In what way did he pass?

He said he woke up one morning, he didn't look so good, and I said, are you okay? And he said, leave me alone. I said, what the fuck did you say to me? And he said, I don't feel good, please leave me alone. I just stabbed the shit out of him. How forevold. Because you don't act like that, especially in the morning. Forevold. I'm going to overlook the language in this instance and focus on what I think is the most egregious crime you've committed, which is the crime you've committed. But...

Of murder. You stabbed this man to death. Murder in the first degree. In the first degree. Yeah, premeditated. Yes, one might say. Yes. I learned a lot talking to my friend Ice-T about murder and sexual crimes. Yes. Mainly, but that... He wrote Cop Killer, one of the greatest songs in history. Really? Do you know we co-wrote that song? No. What? It was originally called Cop Hugger. And I said, Ice-T, I've got an idea.

I have to ask him about... Let's stir up a little controversy. Oh, yes. You, me, and body count. And it worked. It worked like a... It went down a treat. The three of you. I mean, I'm counting body count as a collective. A unit, yes. Yes. You have to. You have to be. They insist upon it. In this economy? Yeah. Yeah. But that is fascinating. I have to ask him about that next time he's on. I wish you would.

I wish I would too. He's very open about talking about the creative process. I'm going to go into the future just to make sure I've done that. Excuse me for a second. Where did Scottrick go? I don't know. There was a flash of light? I don't know. Why are you pointing that at me? Because...

I'm back. Oh, no, I'm going to be too soon. Yeah, I did. I did it. I did it. I forgot to tell Davy Jones, though. Oh, no. Oh, well. It's okay. You'll figure it out. It's fine. He's old. It'll be fine. So what exact... So did the policeman take you away? No, I ran out and grabbed what I could in my bindle and I went out into the streets. You grabbed your coat of many colors. Yeah, I still had that. I said, bring me.

Michael the Colt. And they did, and I ran out into the streets. The servants brought you? Yeah. And they weren't frightened of you from? No, they could, I'm nice to them, but they know if they cross me. May I say a skull trick? And of course, Forvo will know this from his experience with this rich elderly man.

servants they do their jobs and they do if they're good servants they do them impeccably well it would be crossing a boundary for a servant to presume to presume someone from the upstairs you gotta know your place you have to know it's true now on this we do agree I have seen downtown Abbey so I know yeah Scottrick

Yes? Oh, my word. What's wrong? Even I know that. Like fingernails on the chalkboard of my eardrums. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about my favorite program, Downtown Abbey. Oh, don't say that. No, you've said it twice now. Oh, God. Please. I love that show. I'm the biggest Downtown Abbey fan. I'm getting stabby. I'm getting stabby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go, Fulfill, go. I won't bring it up anymore. Can I ask something about your coat? Sure. You say it's a coat of many colors. Yeah. Are you sure it's not just a white coat that has a lot of red bloodstains on it? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Fulfill. It's my amazing Technicolor dream coat. Steady. I just wanted to make sure that... Just tread lightly is all I'm saying. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think you do best to take the lad's advice. All right, we'll do it. There is blood on the coat, but it's of many colors.

It's the blood of many. People of different colors. So wait a minute. Are you trying to say that like Spock's green blood? I killed Leonard Nimoy. Who is this? You killed Leonard Nimoy. This morning. This morning? Yeah. In 2011? I hope no one will ever hear of this. Okay, let me check. Excuse me.

Oh, okay, I'm back. No, no one's heard of it. Oh, thank you. Next year. That's okay. The guy in the movie is not the real guy. It's an imposter. Oh, my God. Because I think I checked and no one has ever seen the headline, Director of Three Men and a Baby has been killed. I heard if you watch that film, you can see the background of one of the scenes where...

Ted Danson is throttling Steve Guttenberg to death, saying, why did you make us have a baby? We're only two men. It's very early in the film. In the background, you could see Leonard Nimoy being stabbed to death. There's a shotgun, too, for a second. Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout of William Shatner drowning his wife. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

All right. My wife! All right, all right. Let's get back on track here because we've gone off the rails. Good luck to you. A little bit here. What I want to know, and we'll get back to Forval, we'll get back to your troubles, and we'll sort of check in with you a little later. But what I want to get back to you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, is I feel like... Oh, yes, hello. I'm still here.

I feel like we were talking about your career and you had promised me some sort of, as we say in the biz, exclusive about what you were up to next. And I would love to hear exactly what you're doing. Yes, I did promise you an enscoopment.

And what I've brought you is my latest endeavor. Now, you know, they're planning this here in 2011. Yes. They're planning this television program. We're right in the middle of pilot season. We're right in the middle of pilot season 2011. Yes. Now, next year. Mm-hmm.

From what I understand, sources tell me there's going to be a show, a television program. Are you talking about the one where they're in the future and they go back to the past and there's dinosaurs? I'm so excited for that one. That is going to be amazing. Ah, yes. It is not the topic about which I'm speaking. Are they talking about Whitney?

I'm super... She's in sweatpants. No, I know who she is. It's Whitney. Sorry. How dare you? Sweet Whitney. Downton. So... Downtown. This... It curdles my throat. There's going to be an hour-long drama on the television here in America that's going to be about the creation of a Broadway musical. No. It's going to be called Smash! What?

Is this about Jesus when he bursts out of those ropes and he attacks the army? It should be. But it isn't. It's about a regular musical. Okay. It's the behind the scenes of some tiresome theater people. They're creating a musical about the life of Mary Magdalene.

Mark Barron? Murdo. Oh, my God. That's IFC's doing that. Your IFC, the International Fried Chicken. Wait, they're doing what? They're creating, yes, next year. Oh, my gosh. I hope they pick up my show. We're just working on a pilot with them right now. May I tell you some news from the future? Please. I've talked to another one of these time bobbies. Yes. It's looking good for Comedy Bank Pay. Oh, I love it. I love it. One word of advice. Yes.

Hire Reggie Watts. I'm not a fan. You must do it. Nah, no thank you. Skaltrick, please believe me. Nope, won't do it. You gotta do it. Won't do it. Never. You'll see. Alright. You cannot change the future. Everyone knows this. That is one thing when I've been in the future, I've stayed away from it because I hate spoilers. No spoilers. That's one thing being a time policeman that is really annoying is I hate spoilers. Let's get back to me. Okay, sure. So...

Yes. I've written this script. We're talking about Smash. Yes, it's a spec script of the drama Smash, which is about the creation of a musical about the most tiresome person in the world, Marilyn Monroe. Oh, people love her to death. Why do they still keep talking about her? No one knows. You go into any teenage girl's room and they just have pictures of Marilyn Monroe up all over. Oh, wait, no, I'm thinking about people in the 70s and 80s.

I'm not talking... Or people in their 70s and 80s. Yeah, those are the people obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. That's right. I've written an episode of this show, and I hope it will make it to air, but I'd like to... Even though I have a year to prepare, it'd be good to do a little... Just read a scene just to see how it feels out loud. Okay. And then I'll know if I have to work on anything. Well, good luck with that. Scott Rick! Yes. I wonder if you might be able to help me.

You would like us to read? Scottrick, I would love it if you and dear young Forval here would read Rose. Now, Forval, you've trod the boards. I have. This would be an honor. Well, the honor is mine, young man, an esteemed board treader such as yourself. This is amazing. And also, Scottrick, if you would. I have a bit of a background. Yeah.

Yeah, a bit of a background. Yeah, all right. Well, you know, this is almost like when Quentin Tarantino directs like an episode of CSI or AR or something, like Emergency Room. Did you ever see that episode of The Price is Right, Quentin Tarantino directed? No, I haven't. That sounds amazing. Yes, lingering shots of the women's feet as they introduce the prizes. Disgusting.

Now, here, gentlemen, here are your scripts. Oh, thank you so much. I always carry, you know me, I always plant scripts in every podcast studio I go to. That's right. Underneath the furniture. Yes. If anyone finds it taped underneath their seats, they win a gift certificate usually. Yes. Also, a paint pack blows up in their faces.

This one isn't going to blow up in my face, is it? No, no, no, because I've handed it to you. Okay. It responds to my touch and my touch only. All right. Now, Scott Rick, if you would essay the role of the director. Director. However, and Forval, if you would play the role of the actress. Now, I know that may seem strange. Yes, a hoctress. That may seem strange because you're a little boy, but back in the Barnes day, it wasn't unheard of.

I have range. No doubt. Your voice is a little high, too. I mean, that's not a criticism. I'm glad you said that because... I'm just saying that, you know, we're all different. Human beings are all different. We all have different voices.

That's true. There's over 30 voices. Speaking of voices, Fawful, are you able to change your voice depending on the character? Could you play a young lady? I could. I'm a fucking actor, man. All right. No need to point that at me. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Greasy, though, it may be.

Very well then. Scott Rick is the director. Fawful is the actress. I will be playing the role of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh, so you're actually in this? Yes. Why not take the liberty of writing myself into it while I'm writing it? Have you ever acted before? Never. We'll see how it goes. I've seen you on this year's American Idol. Yes. And who were you? You were mentoring? I mentor them all. That's right. What did you say to all of them this year? I told all of them.

to imagine when they're singing the songs that they are singing in the voice of a dear old glabberbuss. Yes, yes.

Now, she's not a flippity-jibbit, not a top spot, certainly not a fuss budget. Just a regular old glamour puss. Yes, I saw that the other day and I couldn't imagine what you were thinking. Why is that? Well, I mean, who knows? Okay, well, why do you think any of these children would know what a glamour puss is? I don't even think I know what a glamour puss is. How do they know what a dinner plate is? How do they know what an umbrella is? Yes, yes.

How do they know what a Weskett is? How do they know what wine to serve with fish? Well, have you ever heard of a bubble shoot? Of course you have. You're a child. Very well. All right. Very well. So I will also read the stage directions as needed. Okay. Fantastic. Here we go. We begin with the director.

Do I need to knock on the door? No, you don't. I don't know why. It takes place when we're already inside. Let me set the scene for the listener. How is anyone going to know that I walked inside if I don't actually knock on the door and walk inside? I do wish you would stop talking except when indicated.

May I set the scene for the listener? We're in the rehearsal studio, or rehearsal as we say in Britain. They're working on their tiresome musical about Marilyn Monroe. They're all very tiresome theater people, and they're arguing with each other as people in the theater do. Everyone considers themselves very important, and they are, of course, wrong. All right, and the director begins. He does not knock. Hello, I'm walking in the door now. Okay, he's already there, but go ahead.

All right, let's get back to rehearsing, people. We are making a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe here, not playing American football with President Barack Obama. Whatever. I'm rolling my eyes. Gag me with a spoon. Wow, that is a very well done. Thank you.

I heard that, young lady actress. Now let's take it from the top, and this time, try being talented. Quite a burn. Suddenly the rehearsal room door opens, and in walks an impressive figure in an expensive jumper and wearing the robes and medallions of an English lord. The actress is so startled she cries out, Excuse me, this is a closed rehearsal, I am so sure.

You empty-headed fool. Don't you know who that is? Why, it's Tony Award-winning Broadway composer Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh, your grace. I am a worthless creature who shall crawl on my belly for the rest of my days. Nay, rise, child. We're all equal to the eyes of Thespis. Now, of course, that's not actually true. My supremacy in the theater is absolute. Oh, yes. I just wanted to see how rehearsals are going for Marilyn Monroe.

Monroe, the musical about Marilyn Monroe and her life and death. Oh, who cares? Won't you sing one of your own songs for us? Oh, please, Your Excellency. If you shan't, I shall take this dagger and slit my own catawalling throat. She produces a knife. No, that's just a stage direction. You're not meant to do it. No, there's no need. I'll stab if I need to. Stay your hand, child. I'll go you one better. I'll improve a song that already exists. Hurrah! Hurrah!

It's even about Marilyn Monroe already! I'll just take the liberty of fixing the lyrics.

Goodbye Marilyn Monroe, you pre-deceased. All of my musicals, never got to see one. Not even Jesus Christ Superstar, the earliest. People still talk all about you. I don't understand it. You didn't even see Starlight Express, where I had actors on roller skates pretend to be trains.

And it seems to me your life was irrelevant because you didn't see any of my work. Why do people care about you? It takes away conversation about me. I'm glad I never knew you and I'm glad you're dead. Probably roasting in hell.

for assisting in someone having extramarital affairs. The president, your American president. And it goes on from there. Wow, what a... Powerful. Oh, I wasn't going to say that, but... What were you going to say? Moving... No, I was going to say judgmental. Well, judgmental. Yeah, I mean... In what way? You think someone is roasting in hell because they... How did you put it? Assisted? Roasting in hell for assisting...

In someone's extramarital affairs. Do you want me to stab this guy, Dad? Oh, no. Now, first of all, presumptuous. Let's not put the cart before the horse. Secondly, as much as I would like you to stab all manner of people, I will ask you to sheathe your weapon. Okay. Thank you, Farvel. You're a fine... You're an honorable young man. I love you. Oh, okay. Well... May I say I love you as well? Thank you. You're the son I never... Actually, I have several children. Thank you.

But you are a son I never had. I think that is correct. Well, I hate to think that this matter is settled because we still have some of the program to go before you decide whether or not you're going to adopt. That's true. Nothing has been signed yet. I have not signed the adoption papers. Do you have adoption papers on you, by the way? Of course. I'm not stupid. Remarkably clean for having been in your disgusting blood-soaked coat for so long. They're the one thing I keep close to my heart. Aww.

Just in case. It's getting a bit dusty in here. No, I think you're crying. No, no. Every day I wake up and I look at the papers and I say, maybe I'll meet the Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and he'll take me there. Wait, you've wanted to meet him specifically? I've been following him

Oh, okay. I thought you were lost. No, I'm a filthy liar. The truth comes out. Oh, my. This is a bombshell that I'm afraid we're going to have to take a cliffhanger on because we need to take a break. Strike me, Scarlet. I can't believe this turn of events. We are going to find out about this when we come back. No, we're going to have to take a break. It's too delicious. We have to. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang and we'll follow up on this dramatic turn of events. Stop.

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We've done it. And we're back. At Frio. Ah, yes. We were just warming up during that break. As we always do. Because it's... We tossed the energy ball around for a bit. Of course, played soundball. Made a machine. Yeah.

And we are back. It's Comedy Bang Bang and we're here. A surprising turn of events happened. Oh, yes, that's right. Yeah, we immediately forgot about it. I got so caught up in our exercises. Yeah, I made a little note to talk about it when we came back, which is the only way that I can remember anything. So, yeah, so we're back and you were saying that you've been

I have it written down here, stalking Andrew Lloyd Webber? I wouldn't call it stalking, man. Don't put words in my mouth. I mean... You didn't use that word. You're right. You've been following him with murderous intent. And unbeknownst to me. No, I want him to be my dad. Okay, well... I don't want to murder him. He's a genius. How did you first hear of him? I mean, you obviously... When I was in Jesus Christ Superstar, it really touched me and I wanted to be with him forever. Oh, this dear little fellow. Wow.

He is melting this miser's heart of mine, which I have just decided I have. He's a kind man who's brought smiles to millions, and I want to be part of that. So let me get the chronology of what happened here. You were put into the... The most important thing. I don't understand why this would be confusing. You were put into the drama program by a rich old man, 74 years old. Daddy War Horse. Daddy War Horse? That was his name.

He's one of the legendary angels of the theater. Correct. He used all of his unlimited wealth to fund various productions of this, that, and the other thing, which I have allowed you to ask me about. Yes, I'm going to get to it. Don't worry. We have time. Now, this gentleman, he's been a friend to the theater for as long as I've been alive.

And you're saying you stabbed him to death? Well, yeah, I didn't want to. He treated me right, but then that morning... All he asked was... He just asked that you leave him alone. He was feeling poorly, and you stabbed him unto death. You don't act like that. You've got to be nice. I don't tolerate rudeness.

But, uh, Fawful, dear boy, have you ever considered the more peaceful alternative of discussion, of negotiation, talking with people before you bring out your cold steel blade and insert it betwixt their ribs? I would definitely try the curb, mate.

How did your original parents die? Because you're trying to say that you came into these stabby feelings because of growing up on the streets. Yeah, because my parents died. Right. So how did they die?

when it was my birthday and they said happy birthday to you and they sing the song and they brought out the cake and it's a classic from Mildred and Patty Hill yeah they brought out the cake those are spinsters those are miserly old crones it's still demanding money still demanding money years after they've passed would you would you believe it I

I had a birthday party for someone on my staff. We all sang happy birthday. There they appeared, rising up out of the floorboards. And they passed a hat? They made everyone turn out their pockets. Some of the poorer members on staff, of course, very embarrassed because they had no money. And moths flew out of their pockets. Well, I was mortified on their behalf. That's happened to me with my wallet every once in a while. Oh, no. In the lean years. The David Lean years. Yes, when you were impersonating David Lean. Yes, of course. Not very...

A weird person to impersonate. Yeah. It doesn't get you a lot of money. Not much demand for it. No, not at all. Very few people ever. Lawrence of Arabia parties.

So what were we talking about? Oh, God. So, okay, so they sing happy birthday. I stabbed them. Oh, no, why would you stab someone for singing happy birthday? They were singing happy birthday, and they got me a cake, and I want a fudgy whale cake. You wanted an ice cream cake. A fudgy whale cake, and it wasn't that. It's your birthday. You should get what you want. So I don't think that you should blame the streets for your murderous leanings here. I disagree, Scott. I really disagree. It sounds like they were...

instilled in you before you were on the streets. It seems like your murderous urges kind of... I think I just learned from the hardships and stuff that was denied from me. One might say you have a Viggo Mortensenian history of violence. Some people say I have a Viggo the Carpathian history of violence. From Ghostbusters 2? I liked Slimer from Ghostbusters 1. Do you remember him? Do you remember him?

He had a mouth full of hot dogs. Oh, I loved him. I wish I had a mouth full of hot dogs. I liked the cab driver who was in Skidderton. Oh, yeah, he was great. You know, a bit of trivia about Slimer. His name actually wasn't Slimer. What was his name? They never called... Joseph? It was Joseph, yeah.

And he got the nickname Slimer because, I don't know if you noticed this in the movie, but he actually emitted some sort of slime off of his body, which then would rub off on people. Well, that explains the line that Bill Murray has when he encounters this ghost, Slimer.

And then he's knocked down by the force of this little green goblin. And when he arises from the floor, he's covered in slime. And he says out loud to the other actors, he slimed me. I don't remember that part. Maybe I dreamed it.

Perhaps I'm making it up. Yeah, you might be. I think so. You've seen Ghostbusters? Yeah, I watched it. Yeah. I watched it with Ray Parker Jr. once. What? Tell us about that. I lived with Ray Parker Jr. for a couple years. Did you really? Yeah. Was this before your original parents or after? After. Was it before the original Ghostbusters? Right after I stabbed my parents, I took my dog Sandy and I went on the streets. Okay.

And then Ray Parker Jr. lived next door, so I just went in there and sat down. He's not doing much, so we just hung out. Yeah, he was a session musician, of course, who just kind of lucked into the Ghostbusters theme. Lucked into stealing a song from Huey Lewis and the News. As people luck into stealing things. But that's what happened. I found out that he stole that song from Huey Lewis, so I killed him. Oh, no. Stabbed him to death. That's not a secret, just no one cares about it.

Yeah, true. Okay. So, let me ask, what were we talking about? May I ask this? Dear Master Forval, were I to adopt you, to take you on as my ward at the very least, and install you in my mansion, which can be seen from space. Where is your mansion, by the way? Is it in the merry old land of... The top of the world. Um...

If I were to install you in my top-of-the-world mansion, which can be seen from space...

In order to curb your more stabryonic tendencies, what if I were to put you in a special room? Now, this room, it doesn't necessarily have walls as we know them, but it has a sort of see-through walls that are sort of made of a bunch of thin sticks just in regular rows on four sides. But these sticks, they are made of gold, solid gold. Wow.

What about the ceiling and the floor? Would those also be sticks as well? No, those would be more squares. Just a sort of very solid, thick squares. So out of the six sides of this room, I'm presuming it is six sides. Well, it's a little room inside a big room. So it's a four-sided room. Four-sided, but there's also the top and the bottom. So that'd be six sides. Oh, well, you've got me there. Six sides. Congratulations, Albert Einstein. I don't... I mean...

Here's your Nobel Prize in mathematics. Try not to invent the atom bomb. I think that you are trying to make fun of me for you not knowing something. That might be exactly what's happening. All right, but in these six... Why don't you look into the future and see if that's the case? In these six sides, the top and the bottom are solid. Yes. And the other four... They're making a roof and a floor. Sure, and the other four are kind of like... It seems what you're describing could otherwise be known as a cage.

Where? A gilded cage. A gilded cage. Of my very own. Yes, and I would keep you in here for, let's say, one calendar year. Okay. In order to make sure that you're not going to stab anyone, but that you can see, I mean, you know, harm. And you'll get used to the rhythms of my voice and...

The thing is that I will ask you. Are you not used to these rhythms, by the way, at this point? No, I'm very used to them. You keep harping. I'm not going to kill nobody unless they cross. See, the unless they. Yes, it's the unless they. That's the sticking point. I wish you would just put a full stop after. I wish you would back the fuck up.

Four of our blades won't have that language in the Gilded Gauge. I'm going to reach for this. Don't act stupid. I'm going to reach for this. I'm also going to reach for one of the other knives. Do you think I can't reach quicker? I think that my reach, I have very long arms. I'm very fast. Fast like a rabbit. I'm a scamper. Yeah, but you have short little stubby arms, and I don't say that to criticize you. I just mean... Holy shit. I say... Holy fucking shit. One moment. Four of them, one moment. Stubby arms?

Let's do this as gentlemen. Let's do this as gentlemen. I'm just saying that you have sort of a baby's body. Oh, my fucking... You know how... I'm a boy. I'm a boy. What are you doing? You know how a baby has just kind of like a fat little just like... Hold me the fuck back, Andrew. Please, scoff at me. You look like a little Pillsbury Doughboy that would... I swear to Christ. I swear to fucking Christ I'll slit you from balls to gullet if you don't shut your fucking mouth already, okay?

All right, okay. Fucking please, man. I've shut up. I just wanted to say that. I don't want to be this way. Okay. Well, all right. I say, how close are we to a break? Why? Do you need a break? No, I just have an idea. Oh, you have an idea? Yes. Okay, well, why don't we take one and... Before we take the break. Yes. How about this? Okay. Count of three. Yes. Marquis de Queensberry rules. Okay. Everyone reaches for a knife. One, two, three. Oh, my God.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back and, uh, boy, that was a cliffhanger too. Let's see who's got what. Who's got, okay, open your hands and we'll see who's got a knife. I've, this is a, this is a candle. It's an advent candle. Wait, what do you mean by an advent candle? You know, one of those purple candles you light.

You open... Do you think Advent season? No, that's an Advent calendar. There's many facets to Advent. Anyway, what are you holding? I'm... Oh my gosh, I'm holding a stick. It looks like a divining rod. To find water? Yeah, and it's pointing just sort of northeast. Towards the ocean. Yeah. Oh, okay. There we go. Northeast, towards the ocean, towards the Atlantic. Yes, exactly. Okay, great. Yes.

Well, you could see the Pacific. Why would you do the dividing rod? True as true can be. Bless my buttons. You're damn right. Look at little Forval. He's got all the knives. That's three greasy knives. There's even more knives than there were on the table. Some garrot wire. Oh, my gosh. A punji stick. He's got a candlestick from Cluedo. A couple of rat whilers. Oh, my gosh.

He's got live dogs. Oh, my goodness. Live muzzled Rottweilers. How are you that quick? I told you not to reach, ma'am. How are you that? I mean, I just assumed from your short little stubby arms that you were. Oh, my God. He's got all the knives and some dogs. I know, but I don't mean to insult you. You got a death wish, ma'am. I don't mean to insult you. I'm just calling him like I see them.

Well, I hope you won't do anything with those. Well, don't cry. Just watch your mouth. Put them back on the table. Put them in this cup holder. All right. Here we go. All right. All right. There they are. All right, guys. So we just have one last thing on the show. And I did have one question, though, for you.

For me? Yeah. I mean, you said I could ask about anything. Anything at all. Yeah. And I just had one really specific question about, I want to get deep with you here. Yes. So can you tell me what were the colors of Joseph's coat? Of course I can. Let me see if I remember correctly. It was red and yellow.

Uh, green, brown, uh, scarlet, black. I think there was some ochre. Peach. Ruby. Olive, violet, thorn. Uh, memory serves. Lilac. Gold, of course. Chocolate. Mauve. I think there was also a little bit of cream in there. Have I said crimson yet? I think there was crimson. Mm-hmm.

Silver, of course. Something else in the red palette. Rose. Azure. I think lemon. Russet. Grape. Did you say crimson? I did say... I believe I said crimson, yes. He said it. Purple. He said it. Just, like, let him do his thing. White, even though it's the absence of color. Pink. Orange. Red. Yellow. Yellow.

Green. Brown. Did I say Scarlet, Black, and Oka? Yes. Oh, you know what it is? I'm seeing them in my mind. And in my mind, Joseph is turning around. I feel like you forgot. He's doing a spin, a 360. He's showing it off. Yes. He's being a real dandy. I'm seeing them all over again from the beginning. Yeah. I feel like you've forgotten...

Really important one did he say crimson he said crimson all right? Oh? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry fuck man. I'm sorry you just Yes, gentlemen, please. I this is most unseemly okay this kid. Oh blue. Yes. That's the one I don't know why I couldn't think of blue. Yeah, maybe the most popular color of all yeah, just this kid bugs me up

me. Scott, stop being such a fucking bitch. Forval, oh, please, Forval, why don't you practice your butterfly knifing for just a little bit? Let the grown-ups talk for a little bit. Just try to stab around your fingers. Have you ever done anything like that? Mumbly pig. Yes. Are you really going to adopt this? I've

never been more terrified my entire life. You're not acting like it. I have to say that you're a very good actor. I'm trying to appease this monster. I think you'll be really good on Smash then. Do you think so? Yes, because I mean, I would never have guessed. Is it a bit of a cheat I'm playing myself?

I think it's not a stretch necessarily, but sometimes you have to ease into something. You know, I loved the player where they're all playing themselves and everyone had a great fun. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot like how Chris Rock had to play a crack addict before he could move on to being head of state. Yes, that's right. You know what I mean? He was wonderful in that film. Underrated. Wonderful. Scottrick. Yes. I need you to spirit me away from this studio. I don't know that I have the resources to do that. What exactly do you mean? You simply must. Well, radio to helicopter. Helicopter.

Have him throw down a rope ladder. We don't have one of those. I mean, we just have this sort of... I mean, we just have like kind of a strange hatch that leads into a hidey hole. Like a spider hole. Can I squeeze into this hidey holing spider hatch? I guess you could, but I mean, the thing is... Okay, goodbye. Wait, it's hidden. That's the... I'll find it. Okay. Goodbye. I hope not forever. I hope not forever. But goodbye. Okay. Um...

Hey, Forval. Hey.

So, how'd that game go? It went good. I was practicing my knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks good. You didn't stab your... Where did my daddy go? Oh, you didn't see him go away? No. Huh. Yeah, you had your back turned. He must be going to get the room ready, the cage room. Yeah, that sounds good to you, huh? Yeah, I can't wait. I'm going to... Spend a whole year inside that cage? Finally feel loved and be just like a real boy. I say, is he gone?

Oh, shit. Scottrick! Give me the all-clear! Oh, my God. Sound the all-clear! Scott, did you try to pull fast one on me? I didn't pull anything. Surely he's gone by now. Hello, four-four. You were literally gone for 60 seconds. That's not enough time to get rid of anyone. I just thought he would have killed you and gotten bored and wandered off.

I hope that's not rude. You're willing to sacrifice me? Not willing to sacrifice you, but willing to turn a blind eye should you be sacrificed. You're not listening to me. No, I can't hear sometimes. Okay. I hope this is one of those times. That's my one good ear. Seems like even with one ear you'd be able to hear. What? Never mind. Got it.

So, no, I didn't pull a fast one on you. I was looking in the same direction as you, and this guy just, like, totally turned around, and he tried to get out of here. This guy is Lord Atreloid Webber, by the way. Look, I'm not going to lie. I understand. Do you? Yeah. Is that what adults usually do? It's just my favorite, and I really wanted to live with you, but, you know, I got a lot of baggage and stuff, so. Though it means my most certain death.

Will you please let me adopt you? Oh, I know it. Oh, my gosh. This is the greatest day of my life. Please become my murderous son. Or ward. Oh, ward. Let's see how it goes. Ward first. Like a Robin type. Yes, we'll solve some crimes. Yeah. Vigilante justice. Sweet. I got a sweet little outfit on, too. Now that I see it, yes.

It is rather reminiscent of your rags and tatters I just assumed were clothes that were wearing off of you are actually a very carefully constructed Robin costume. Yeah, wow. This is amazing. I've always wanted to visit your place, and you've never invited me. Well, no. Surely you didn't expect an invitation. I mean, you're on this program so many times. Yes, how many times have I been invited, dear boy? One. Two.

Yes, and this is that time. And now I would like to be invited to your place. Well, why don't you try bursting into my home a few times? Yeah, try it. And then we'll see how it goes. It seems to lead to invitations. All right, well... Try bursting in and see what happens. Oh, I like this. It seems like you have some sort of little attack dog here at the ready now that you're going to keep in a cage and you're going to have to protect your house. Please don't talk that way about my ward, who's also my vigilante justice partner.

I mean, I thought that you and I were cool on this. Look, I'm terrified of him. I'm trying to appease him. Why did you say that you were going to adopt him? I'm trying to appease him. Are you going to try to ditch him? No, I'm going to try to escape the earliest convenience. Don't you understand? You're not actually going to adopt him? My God, no. Why would I? He's a staving little maniac. Well, how do we get rid of this guy? I don't know.

I think the only thing to do is to try to outreach him to one of these knives and kill him. All right. The knives are back on the table. Yeah. I think the mistake that we made the last time was that we announced that we were going to all reach for the knife. Yes. Yes. I think you're right. What we should do is give a jump on him. Yes. We should reach for these knives before he does. So that way we have at least like a half second before he does.

I say, should we have a code word? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What should the code word be? Knife? Knife grab. Knife grab. Okay, so if either of us says knife grab, then we're both going to reach for the... Not a grab knife. This has to be crystal clear. Okay. Knife grab. Knife grab. Knife grab. How can we remember that?

There has to be some mnemonic. Yes, a mnemonic device. Let us know that when we grab the knife, we want to say knife grab. The signal is knife grab. How do we remember to grab the knives when we hear the term knife grab? Well, K stands for kid. Yes, he's a kid. Yes, N stands for naughty. He's a naughty kid. Yes, he is. Kid, naughty. Okay, I stands for...

I stands for I, and I'm going to grab a knife. Yes, I am the person. F stands for friend. He's not our friend. Friend. Okay, and E stands for education, which is every child should have an education. Yes. So that'll be easy to remember. Also, every good boy deserves fudge. That's true. Okay. So that's that. G. Yes, G.

Go ahead. I did knife. You can do... Of course. Fancy that. G stands for... I'm terrified of this little child who's going to stab me with a knife. Okay, good. I must wrest the knife away from his control and therefore gain the upper hand. Okay, fantastic. So remember that. All right. R stands for... Don't you think it's time you grabbed the knife? Okay, good. A, we're up to A. A stands for...

Here we are. A shame it would be were this little boy to grab the knife first and stab us. It's okay. And then, of course, that leads us to the last letter, B. B. Boy. Boy. Okay. So we have it for kid. Let's review. Kid. K. Kid. Kid. N. Naughty. He's a naughty kid. I. I want to grab this knife. Yes. F. Friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. E. Every good boy deserves fudge and education. That's right. Dual meaning. Okay. G.

Gazooks. Gazooks. This little boy is going to stab me. I have to grab this knife before he does and stabs me. Knife grab! He was listening! He has one good ear! I am stabbed! I am stabbed! I am slain! Oh, Perfidy! A plague on your lack of a house! Heroes!