Comedy Bang! Bang! Presents: We Have To Stop Talking TMNT on CBB
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to a very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Let me give you a little bit of background about what you're about to hear. So, as many of you know if you've been listening to the show over the past few months, we have become here at Comedy Bang Bang not only America's podcast and the world's podcast, but we've become the preeminent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles podcast here on...

at Comedy Bang Bang. Now, how did this happen? It all started a few months back when Sprague the Whisperer, one of our recurring guests that we've had on many, many times, if you don't know who Sprague is, he is, I think he's a manager and a producer. He's been on the show very often. And a few months back,

I let it be known that I did not know anything about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Sprague is sort of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle superfan.

And so we got to talking about it and, and we've been talking about it now for several months, uh, here on comedy bang, bang. So Sprague and I decided to start a podcast about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So you're about to hear the first episode of this. We're calling it. We've got to stop talking about TMNT on CBB. And, uh,

This is the first episode. You're about to hear it as one of our bonus Comedy Bang Bang episodes. Now, this episode is just Sprague and I talking about the first movie. We have recorded several other episodes with a lot of great guest stars. We have Jason Manzoukas and Tatiana Maslany and Christian Bruhn.

uh ify noadaway so many great guests uh that we talked to the turtles uh with them about but uh if you want to hear the rest of the episodes uh you'll have to go over to sean diston's patreon now sean diston is a client of sprague he's a comedian very funny comedian he has a patreon where he puts out podcasts every month we are putting this out uh bi-weekly

for the next few weeks, as long as we can do it. And if you like episode one, episode two is actually available right now with Lauren Lapkus talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, The Secret of the Ooze,

here's what you do in order to get it you go to patreon.com slash sean diston and sean is spelled s-h-a-u-n and diston is d-i-s-t-o-n it's only five dollars a month and you get so many great podcasts and we'll be doing this for the next few months so until then i don't know why i said until then but uh right now enjoy the very first episode of we've got to stop talking about tmnt on

The House That Freddy Built

Freddy Krueger, the wisecracking nightmare invading killer, ruled the 80s and launched the careers of Wes Craven and Johnny Depp. But more importantly, it allowed New Line Cinema to look for new projects. New Line had their first commercial success on their hands, but it wasn't until 1990 that they would agree to distribute a low-budget comic book adaptation already in production in North Carolina. It wasn't until opening weekend that they knew they had a hit on their hands.

Turtle Mania has taken over the world. It launched a billion-dollar industry out of a kitchen-drawn passion project of comic book nerds Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman. The Ninja Turtles IP transformed New Line Cinema, forever making them the movie-producing powerhouse we know today.

So while Freddy built the House of New Line, it's safe to say movies like Lord of the Rings, It, Austin Powers, Rush Hour, and Elf all run on turtle power. This week on Doughboys, we're talking Ninja Turtles 1. Freddy and Scott are talking turtles. These two dudes are turtle talking. It's a podcast about the turtles. We have to start talking to T-Royce.

From one to out of the shadows, we're talking turtles, that is. This is We Have to Stop Talking TMNT on CBB, the comprehensive and encyclopedic compendium of all things turtles. This is good Ninja Turtles content.

With me, as always, is my co-host, Scott Aukerman. Yes, that's right, Scott. I feel like no one... This is the first episode. Well, I feel like no one sees or hears from me without you, you know? Oh, that's very kind of you to say. You've been on my podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, several times, although you have your own podcast, from what I hear. I'm fucking around on sort of the Patreon right now, but I don't know how to host a podcast. Did you get a triple-double? I fucked around and got a triple-double Ice Cube style.

And, you know, I don't know how to host a pod, Scott. You know, I feel like I sort of fucked up the intro, but... Yeah, I do have to say that at a certain point you said, today on Doughboys. Yes, I did say Doughboys. So, you did tell me to sort of listen to a Doughboys and take notes, so I did that. Well, I told you, I said...

you know, be inspired by what Doughboys did. Put your own fresh spin on it. I didn't say just copy what Doughboys did, including the name of their show. You told me to introduce myself as Nick Weiger, and I sort of was like, I'm not going to do that. I don't think that I said anything like that. I think you did, because you were like, this guy's going to shit together in a way that sort of... Well, he is the number one guest on Comedy Bang Bang. That's interesting. Number

one guest on Bang Bang probably been on like what five times seven maybe and all on Halloween yeah

All sort of the same bit. You know, for some of these other guys out there really working on their canon every day. Yeah, really. Just every day working on the canon. They sort of get up. They do about 20 minutes of canon sort of research. And it's like, this guy comes in, no canon at all. And he's the number one comedy. Look. The slightest bit of canon. Well, yes. I guess we're talking about Vulture or something. So we don't want to talk about that. No, let's not talk about Vulture. Let's talk about Turtles. Today, Scott.

We're finally talking turtles. And let me just say- Finally. Finally, Scott, because this is an emergency podcast in two fronts, Scott. Front number one, me and Scott, for people who haven't heard, I appeared on the podcast a couple months ago and I told Scott that I had the IP for the Ninja Turtles franchise.

And of course, immediately hired Scott O'Kamen, one of the best writers I've ever known. Thank you so much. I don't know that you've ever read anything I've ever written, but thank you so much. I appreciate that. I'll take a compliment wherever I can get it. Do you write the sort of descriptions for the comedy bang bangs? I don't know. That's July DS. You weren't you didn't hire me just based on those because I really should abdicate my position and give it to July. I got I got a hundred paid staples stapled script.

And I opened it and it was it said episode one comedy bang bang. It was just a description. And then it went all the way to episode 600, Scott. And I was riveted by this thing. Yeah. So a 600 page script. Yeah, it was. You were riveted. Yeah, I know. That's July. You really I mean, I feel like if you were looking for the person who did those, maybe maybe we should just stop this podcast right now.

Okay, so July. I'm going to write this down because you might need him to do punch-up or something. Don't just write down July because that's the month we're in, and I'm really worried you're going to get confused. Here's what I'm going to write down. July, punch-up. Okay, no, this is very confusing. And I'll say maybe the 15th. Okay, no, you're going to need to be a little more specific than that. But in any case, you were on my show. We brought up the Ninja Turtles because...

By the way, thank you so much for having me at Whisper Studios here. First of all, Scott, thanks for coming down. I know it's weird with the quarantine stuff, but I'm glad you came in. We broke core a long time ago, so we've been doing business. Yeah, you've been having people in and out of this place since what? Since like March? I'd say since like, you know, March 15th.

That's when I started my quarantine. You know what? Maybe we never quarantined. Now that I think about it, I sort of was coming in every day. This place, it's like, I'm surprised by it. It's sort of like a lair. So a lot of people come in here and they're like, is this a man cave? Just because of the sort of cave-like. It's like man cave minus man. It's like cave. It's like bear cave.

Yeah, mine is bare. It's just a cape. We do have a flat screen in the waiting room, though. And we have Whisper Studio lighters in a big bowl that you can take over. Yeah, the one amenity here at Whisper Studios. Yeah, we don't give bottles of water for our meetings. We just hand out lighters. I am so parched right now, by the way. Do you have anything? I mean, it doesn't have to be in a bottle. Is there some sort of babbling stream? No, we have hot tea.

tea in the kitchen, and that's really all we have. How hot are we talking? Scalding hot. I don't know how to... You know those cups that they had in Curb Your Enthusiasm that heated up the coffee? Sure, yeah. Of course. Classic Curb. The classic. It was the new season, but we have those. So we don't drink anything cold here. It's cave rules, you know. Sure, cave rules. It's complicated. When we bought this cave, we had to sort of adopt a lot of the cave rules for this sort of maniac guy that lived in here.

There was a maniac guy that insists on you keeping up with his traditions. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he had a house in Los Feliz and then one day walked away from it and just walked straight into a cave in Bronson Canyon. And that's, of course, squatters rights, of course. So he owns it. He owns it. So he would go. He sort of was like, now I have two houses. He'd go back and forth from his Los Feliz house to his cave house. He built out the cave house. But he was like, when we're in cave house, we've got some cave rules.

And one of them is only hot tea. Only hot tea, yeah. By the way, is this the Batman cave, which is right off of Bronson? It's interesting. A lot of people think it's the Batman cave. That cave sort of smells like...

Oh, it does, really? Like what? It smells... Okay, so you know when you do a production, and then there's all these food trucks, and there's all this shit, and then there's just garbage everywhere? Sure, yeah. Nobody cleaned that shit up after the Batman. After the Bat... So they just had Adam West's catering? When you go over there, it says Adam West's catering. You can still see the entire production. They just sort of walked away from it. It's like a zombie production town. Yeah.

So the whole cave... So it's sort of like the Deadwood Town? It's sort of like the Deadwood Town, but it just smells. Was Anthony Jeselnik doing accounting? I don't know anything about that, Scott. Okay, well, check it out on his IMDb. I'm going to look that up. Jeselnik IMDb. I'm going to write that down. Sure. Right next to July 15th. July 15th. What was that about? It's probably the day that... Never mind. Never mind. So, yes. So you're on Comedy Bang Bang. Yes. Now, if there's one thing about Whisper Studios I know is that...

You love to put ninjas in all of your productions. That's right, Scott. From three ninjas to two ninjas. Six ninjas to two ninjas to Beverly Hills ninja to Beverly Hills Chihuahua ninja. You know, it's...

It's a lot of that, but right now we're trying to branch out a little bit, Scott, like I talked about before. We're doing some other productions. We've got a Pretty Woman reboot. Oh, you do? Oh, I don't know that we talked about this. Oh, we haven't talked about this. Oh, the Pretty Woman reboot. So what happens is, so Richard Gere, he's coming back to- Sir Richard Gere? Is that what you said? Sir Richard Gere. He's knighted, right? I don't believe he is. The gerbil might be. I think he's-

That is an unsubstantiated rumor. That might be kind of a joke. That I am happy to keep going. It's like one of those joke rumors. He's probably in on it at this point. Yeah, I heard he had it up there the entire Pretty Woman filming. So I think that might be something we do this time. Okay. I just put it in the credits. Like one gerbil might have been harmed in the making of this movie.

If he had that credit in every movie that he put out. It just might have been. It would be so fun just to fuck with the fans, you know? He loves fucking with the fans. He loves fucking with the fans. So anyways, this Pretty Woman reboot, I think maybe it was a Richard Gere. I don't even know who's in that movie. So,

In this pretty room. A Pretty Woman, by the way, another movie I've never seen. Never seen, Scott. Did it come out the same year as Ninja Turtles, 1990? Did you just have a movie blackout or something? Let's see. I have to say there are certain movies that I've never seen. Holy shit, Scott. It did come out in 1990, Scott. Yeah. What was going... Let's talk about 1990. We should talk about it. There are certain movies I've never seen out of spite, out

Out of like, they were too commercial or whatever for me at the time. And so I've just never seen them. Pretty Woman is one of them. Were you one of those sort of like indie kids that was like, fuck all this new movie shit, you know? I sort of became one of those in like 1989 or so. Like I sort of started getting taste and being very snooty. And so from 1989 to maybe 19...

the only movies I saw were like indie movies. And then if you look, I made a list of every movie I've seen, by the way. Yeah.

and that's a very nick weiger thing yeah and uh i've noticed that i would go see only indie movies and then the biggest like action blockbusters there were so so you're armageddon's you're the rock all that kind of stuff and then just all these indie movies but in any case yeah i never saw pretty woman so this all came about because uh

You like to put ninjas into everything. By the way, did we close the loop on the Pretty Woman reboot? What is happening? Oh, I was just going to tell you. What happens is this Richard Gere guy, he finds a sort of street worker. I don't know what to call them. Sex worker. Sex worker. There we go. Why did I say street worker?

She's not like riding on a sweet sweep or something. Yeah, you're thinking of Street Walker. Actually, hold on. But you wanted to make it a little more politically correct. So she's not walking. I'm changing the whole thing. Let me write this down. She's driving a street sweeper. This is not bad. What about a Zamboni?

Oh, street Zamboni. Scott, you're on fire. Street Zamboni! Okay, so she's driving a street Zamboni. Richard Gere sees her. He's like, what are you, Paul? Come with me. I'm rich. And then the movie sort of really takes off. That's the inciting incident. That's sort of the inciting incident. And we're trying to keep ninjas out of it for now. But look, Scott, if we get down the road and this thing's still pretty boring. Well, I got to say, you know, that I was reading a great column by Tom Brehan, one of my favorite writers. I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly, but he does...

He does articles about film on AV Club, and he does articles about music on Stereogum. And he was talking about the 80s, about how, for some reason, every movie in the 80s had some sort of mob mafia subplot in it. Because the plots, the regular plots of movies in the 80s were all these, like, they captured...

America's fancy. So like three men and a baby. Wow. The idea of these three guys raising a baby. Great. But then they realized they have not enough script. Essentially, they don't have enough movie. So they throw a mob subplot into it. And every movie had one where like sister act, you know? Yes, exactly. Like throw a mob thing into it. And then you have a third act. And then you hire that one guy that was in Sopranos that sort of has that like rounded back.

Like, hey, man, I don't even remember this guy, but he's in everything. He was in like this movie. Are we talking about James Gandolfini? Yeah. Lorraine Bracco. No, no. There's a guy from like the background of all these soprano scenes. He's also one of the goons in Cop and a Half, which is a movie. Okay. I feel like this is also the guy from. Okay. What did I just watch the other night? I watched.

It was, oh, Eraser, Eraser, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It might be the same guy from Eraser's school. There's a ludicrous subplot in Eraser where Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays the titular Eraser, and whose catchphrase is, you've just been erased.

Which, by the way, the villain turns it back around on him when he's on he's on a computer and he's like trying to download the information, which in the 90s, that was the third act of any any 90s movie is downloading the information. It was like turn on the computer, like figure it out. Ninety six percent. Almost there. And he's he's downloading the information and the villain turns it back around on him.

By talking to the guy in charge of the computers at the building going like, is he in there? Go find him, find him. And then suddenly the eraser, the titular eraser, before he can download the information, a screen comes up that says, you've just been erased. And then guys burst in and kill him. And I'm like trying to think of the sequence of events with the villain where he goes, okay, you found him? Now, can you program something in there?

So his screen sees his own catchphrase. Is that possible for you to do? And if that takes a few minutes, we've got time. He's only at 97%. He's still got 3% to download. So we're okay. That's so crazy to me. In any case, there's a ludicrous subplot about the mafia on the docks there. And is this the guy that we're thinking of? I'm trying to figure out who it is, but he's literally in every Bob thing ever. Analyze this, analyze that. He must have been so pissed when they like... Analyze with a wiffle ball bat? Yeah, he...

Sure. He must have been so pissed when they stopped this mob subplot thing you're talking about, Scott. Oh, it was the glory. Well, that's the thing. Like all these mob guys had, it was just salad days for so long in the 80s. And then suddenly in the 90s, it dries up a little bit, but then Sopranos comes around and then you're like, oh,

Bafangu! Sopranos, you know, Sopranos is sort of the Game of Thrones for British actors. It's like Game of Thrones for British actors is Sopranos to just like mafia-looking guys. For Italian-Americans. Yeah, exactly. They're all in it. It's so great that that exists. Yeah, or it's like Law and Order for New York actors. They're like Broadway people. Exactly. Or like Comedy Bang Bang for like indie comedians. Sure, yeah. Well, I would like that if...

If somehow it were considered to be the Sopranos of podcasts. It was the Sopranos of the sort of Indian LA comedy community. Serial was the first podcast. That was the train coming straight towards the camera. And then cut to Comedy Bang Bang being the Sopranos of podcasts. I appreciate that. Congratulations, Scott. But we brought up this mob thing because we were just talking about I love putting ninjas up in movies, of course. We may need to add ninjas in order to do what we're talking about into this Pretty Woman reboot. We'll figure it out, Scott. We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out. But right now we're figuring out our main project, which we've been way behind on. We're way behind on the Turtle Squad. So what happened was we were talking about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which came up on the show. And I realized that I have no connection to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. I have barely seen anything regarding them. And...

All I had in my mind was one mental image. I'm shaking my damn head, Scott, already. You certainly are. And it's this. It's that I inquired as to whether this happened in the movie, whether I saw it in a commercial. I don't know where I pulled this from. But the Ninja Turtles, at some point, they see a manhole cover, and it's circular, so they think it's a pizza cover.

So they bite down on it and say, ow, and maybe they break their teeth. That's the one image that I had from it. This was some fever dream you had, Scott, after like sort of maybe falling asleep trying to watch Secret of the Ooze or something. Ha!

I never tried to watch any of these movies. I don't know anything about them. It's crazy to me that that would be the lasting mental image. It's like you're not even, there's an iconic song, you know, there's sort of the weapons they use, there's the toys. You didn't even see the toys, Scott? That's a huge part of it. I didn't see the toys. I've done some thinking on it since then, and I can take you back a

and tell you a little bit about what I know about the franchise. Let's figure this out because if you're going to be writing this new script for the reboot, you sort of have to know the turtle squad. So let's see what you know. Okay. So here's what I know. Back in the 80s, I, of course, was reading a lot of comic books as a teenager and

And the three hottest comic books that were around in the 80s were The Uncanny X-Men, and they were mutants. You have The New Teen Titans.

The Marvel Wolfman and George Perez, New Teen Titans. Those were the two hottest franchises, one being Marvel, one being DC. They even teamed up for a comic book when they did a crossover. Those were the two most popular. You also had Frank Miller doing Daredevil, okay? And there were a lot of ninjas in Daredevil. So wait, Scott, Scott, what are you getting at here? What I'm getting at is when I did hear about the comic book Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and when I heard about it,

Knowing those three properties, I thought, oh, this is a parody of those three books. It's like a kid's comic that's parodying these three hot trends in comic books. And so I never picked up the comic. I heard things about it. I think it was in black and white. That's all I really know about it. And I just never picked it up. And then when the movie, the first movie came out in 1990, I was 19 years old.

And it seemed like it was a kid's movie, especially with, I do believe I knew Corey Feldman was hired to do a voice. It seemed like a kid's movie to me, and so I stayed away from it. Now, cut to...

I want to say 2014, somewhere around here, 2013, 2014. This is a major cut to, I know this is. First of all, Scott, you just did a whole cut to incorporating my entire life. I was born and I have now been to the day we, to 2014. That's like my whole frigging life. Okay. I, 2014, I'm sitting there in the comedy, bang, bang television writers room for, I want to say the third season of,

And the writers really want us to do a bit based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles going on the Oprah Winfrey show. Right. Of course. Classic clip. So we, I know we watched that and, and tried to figure out some sort of take on it. And I think one of them drank water.

At a certain point, and it was dribbling. Okay, so maybe the manhole pizza thing is from that. That's the only thing that I've seen them actually physically do. If the Ninja Turtles bit into a manhole on the Oprah Winfrey show, I'll eat my shoe. Okay. And will you break your teeth and say, ow, ow, ow? I'll be like, is this a pizza? And then I'll chomp into it, break my teeth, because that, Scott, is insane.

I have the image in my head and that's the only place it could have come from. The only other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles connection that I have is probably in 2014, 2015, somewhere around there, I was doing, during Comic-Con, I was doing a live Comedy Bang Bang episode and a live show in front of a great audience. Awkwafina opened for us. It was a great show. And...

Two people came to the show and they had been texting me and saying they wanted to come to the show. And they were under the impression that at Comic-Con, even at night off site, everyone was dressed in costume all the time. Oh, I think I know where this is going. They came to the show dressed as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And then found out that no one was dressed up there. This was Tatiana Maslany and Christian Bruhn. This sounds like a Bruhn thing, I'll say. It's a very Bruhn thing. I did interview Bruhn on my Patreon podcast, and let's just say this is par for the course for Christian. Yes, exactly. So now it was keeping Tatiana from being recognized, although who knows if the Comedy Bang Bang audience would have flipped over seeing her. But this is right in the middle of Orphan Black Fever.

So she was able to go unrecognized. And we got some funny pictures of them dressed in these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes, which I don't even think, come to think of it, I think they were masks and maybe, like, you know how when you used to buy a Halloween costume when you were a kid and maybe you didn't have this experience, but I did growing up in the 1970s?

you would get these pre-packaged costumes at the grocery store and it would, like if it were Spider-Man, you would have the mask of Spider-Man and it would be a plastic mask with a rubber band stapled to two sides. But then the body wouldn't be Spider-Man's body. It would be like pictures of Spider-Man fighting. Yeah.

I don't remember this, Scott. What I remember is sort of a loose-fitting cloth, like, sort of like, this is what Spider-Man would wear to the gym or something. Right. I think it graduated from there,

From where I'm talking about, but early on in my youth, that's what I remember is you would always be disappointed. Like, well, couldn't you make the whole body look like Spider-Man? And instead it was just like cartoon pictures of Spider-Man fighting. It feels harder to do the pictures of Spider-Man. It's like so much work to like lay out a sort of t-shirt comic with Spider-Man. That's crazy. That's what I said, or that's what she said. I don't know which one applies in this. She might've said it. We don't even know who she is.

So those are, those are my connections to the turtles. That's all I know. That's all I know. This, this is tricky because we hired you to write the new turtles, not knowing any of this. I sort of was like, this is a comic book guy. He's going to know, you know, you, you mentioned all those other comics. Don't know how they're related to the turtles quite exactly, but it's, it's funny to me that you don't know anything about the turtles. Cause to be honest, I feel like this shit's right in your wheelhouse, baby. I,

Well, look, I mean, like I said, I love those three comics. So if the Turtles is anything like those three comics, then, you know, I'm in. But at the same time... So you did end up reading the comics at a certain point. No, I never... No, I never did. I mean, when I say those comics, I mean, of course, X-Men, Teen Titans, Daredevil. Exactly, exactly. So, yeah. So, no, I've never read any of the comics. I've never seen any of the movies. Those three things...

are the only things, my only connection to the Turtles. Well, what's interesting, Scott, is the comic was famously dark. It was like four adults and not kids, you know? Really? Shredder is killed in the first comic, Scott. I think brutally. The first issue? I think they cut his head off or something in the first issue. It's insane, Scott. And yeah, you're right. It is derived from Daredevil, of course, and of course Teen Titans and X-Men. It's a part of it. And it did sort of start as a parody, Scott, but

You know, a lot of things start as a parody. For instance, this podcast.

Sure. And now it's Sirius AF. This podcast is Sirius AF. I'm recording. I've got my quick time going. This whole thing is working, Scott. So don't knock a parody. That's all I'm saying. Sure. I mean, you're friends with Al, Scott. Yeah, no, that's true. And you know what? I mean, Spy Hard maybe started as a parody, but then it's legitimately probably my favorite

If it were a James Bond film, it would be my favorite James Bond film. I go to agree. I don't love the James Bond franchise, Scott. You don't really? Throw a ninja in there. That's what I'm saying. This old white guy is too good at beating people up. This guy doesn't know how to fight. He doesn't know how to do anything, Scott. You realize it's been several different white guys. It's not just one guy who's really old right now. You know what, Scott? They're all old. They all suck. It's just like, get out of here. They're all womenizers. They're drinking too much. Just chill. If it were a young person of color, you'd be into it?

First of all, okay, so if we're remaking James Bond, first of all, Idris Elba should have been James Bond years ago. Could you imagine? Years ago, yeah. Could you imagine Stringer Bell? Daniel Craig is the best James Bond. Sure. I guess he is, but you know what? Idris Elba, he would have been the black James Bond. Sure. I mean, couldn't you? Here's the thing.

Daniel Craig takes five years in between James Bond films. It's like, get Idris in there to do the off years. We should do. Okay. We should have the way that they have star star Wars. There should be like a main. Yes. And then like side. Secondary cannon. Yeah. This is the James Bond. That's sort of like, you know, in Los Angeles, just sort of chilling. Yeah.

And why couldn't it just be James Bond's friend, 006? 006! James Brown! Well, 006 I believe is the bad guy in GoldenEye, but maybe it's 004. 004? Who gives a shit? 00 something! I'm realizing James Brown is probably not the best name for him. Probably not. Well, look, I think it's still fun. It's one of those comic book Easter eggs. We're going to get into that a little bit later, Scott. Okay.

Easter or eggs? A little bit of both. Oh, boy. He is risen. I told you that this was an emergency podcast on two prongs because one, you've not heard of turtles at all. Now, we've been down that prong. Yes. We've been down on that prong for a long time. We've been down on that prong, baby.

But the other emergency was sort of, I've been listening to Comedy Bang Bang recently. And like, I feel like we sort of need to exercise this Ninja Turtles thing from the pod. Because every time I listen, I like 37 skip to the middle. That's the way I listen to podcasts. And as soon as it starts, it's like Turtles, Turtles. It's like...

I feel like I've cursed you to talk about turtles on every episode of your show. Yeah, I would. I don't want to talk about the turtles. I've never seen the turtles. I don't know anything about the turtles. So I'm glad I would prefer not to talk about the turtles anymore. So let's try to get it out on this show. Well, Scott.

We have to stop talking about TMNT on CBB, baby. Thank you. Yes, I appreciate it. That's the name of the pod, Scott. And let me just say, as a Ninja Turtles superfan, I'm here to guide you through the canon, of course. Great. And I want to, of course, make sure you feel comfortable when I send you off on script with this, because if not, I mean, we might have to find this July guy. Is there like a well-defined outline? Okay, yes. We've talked about the beat-for-beat outline on the other pod, and I'll go through it pretty quickly. Okay.

Scene one, April O'Neil's dead. It's a funeral. So this is a continuation of the films, much like Superman Returns? Sort of. So the way that Terminator sort of cut out a bunch of the older canon and just started after two, we're going to be doing the exact same thing. Okay, this is the most recent Terminator, which was...

Subtitle. Salvation Turtles. No, Salvation was the Christian Bale one, as I recall, where he yelled at the guy, the gaffer or the guy moving the. Yeah, when he was like, I'm trying to be professional, man. He's a really asshole. The guy moving the Terminator. Was he moving a Terminator out of the way? I think he was moving the big like metal Terminator with the red eye. He was like, I'm trying to get it into his frame. You're telling me I can't do my job?

I think it's Dark Fate. Is it Terminator Dark Fate? I believe so. I think I just saw it. So we're doing sort of that with the turtles and beat for beat, April O'Neil's dead in the beginning. You don't know what the turtles are. Dead as a doorknob. Dead as a doorknob. One turtle shows up to the funeral. He doesn't have his colors. You don't know which turtle it is.

And the colors are the way you distinguish the turtles? That's right, Scott. We'll get into that in the next segment. I'm going to teach you the whole thing. But beat for beat, he shows up. He doesn't have his colors. You don't know who it is. It's an older turtle. Maybe it's like 1999 or something.

And he's an older turtle. He's grizzled, you know. Is he worried about Y2K? He's worried about Y2K. He's totally freaking out. He's like, I don't even want to have a computer. Those plots from the 90s are over, he says. So what happens is April O'Neil's daughter, of course, is tasked to figure out who this turtle guy that showed up to her mother's funeral is. And she finds out all the rest of the turtles are dead. No.

That's right. All the turtles are dead. And she finds the lamp from the third one, which brings them back in time. I don't want to know about this at this point. But there's a video game called Turtles in Time. And what happens is this older turtle has to go back in time, Avengers Endgame style. Back in time. He's got to go back in time. Back in time. Yeah, Scott, I think we...

write that down i feel like every time we talk about this i'm writing notes because i'm a note taker so what exactly are you writing i'm writing what i was doing i'm writing back in time right above july 15th okay back in time july 15th that'll help me figure out what's happening after this so sure so they go back in time avengers endgame style they rescue younger turtles and then he rescues a younger version of himself you find out it's rafael

And then Raphael becomes the new Splinter, and he is now the sort of Splinter for the new Turtles that we reboot him for Ninja Turtles 2. Okay, okay. I don't know. I mean, at this point, I have no connection to any of this. Look, we're going to have to figure it out, Scott, but a lot of the story beats play out in the first movie, Scott. Okay. Should I watch it now, or what do I do? So I'm going to sit you down in our sort of bullpen over there.

I guess we just... We call it a bullpen, but it's a corner of a cave. Yeah, and caves traditionally don't have corners. But for some reason, this is like a 90-degree angle corner. I don't know how you got it in here. It was like $45,000 to get some guys to chip in a corner here so we could put up a flat screen. Because you wanted a corner office? Well, I wanted a corner office, and then we had to be able to put up a flat screen. And if you try to put up a flat screen on a curved surface... Yeah. We're running some big issues, Scott. Those curved...

TVs, though, that someone thought was going to be all the rage. Remember that from about 365 days ago? I'll be honest, the only people who kick-started that thing were people who live in caves. Ha ha ha!

And then when we realized we weren't going to buy the TV, the whole thing folded. It was a big mistake, Scott. Yeah, I understand. So I'm going to sit you in the corner. You're going to watch Ninja Turtles 1, Scott. And then we're going to come back and we'll sort of do a breakdown so we can get into the script. Is that okay? That sounds fine to me. Yeah. So we're going to take a break. Okay. I think I'm hosting the pod, Scott. So let me throw to commercial. What I want to say, though, is when we come back, I will have watched the movie. You will have watched the movie. And I'm going to throw to commercial the way I sort of know how. Okay, here we go. How do you throw to commercial? All right.

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61 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. All right, and we're back on We Have to Stop Talking TMNT on CBB. And Scott Ockerman just watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 from 1990. Scott, how are you feeling?

That's not a good sign. When you ask someone how they're feeling and their first response is a long, um, you're not starting out great there. Not what I expected. Not what I expected, I have to say. Especially since what I expected was with you saying you're going to love it.

Okay, Scott. What did you expect going in? Because I think that's interesting because a lot of people don't remember what this movie was like. I think I expected a certain level of craftsmanship that perhaps was not demonstrated in this first film. No, I think that's absolutely insane, Scott. How dare you?

How dare you? All right. I guess I expected it to be, it was so popular. I guess I expected it to be like a Crocodile Dundee one, which, you know, had a level of competency that perhaps this film sidestepped. Interesting. So you're saying it's an incompetent, stupid movie that no one should have liked. Well, we'll have to,

We have a long way to go before you start writing the script, but I think I really want to talk to you about this, Scott, because I will say I watched it. So I was in the kitchen behind you sort of watching you watch it. Yeah, with Dida. With Dida, of course. And, you know, Scott, I love this movie so much. And I think the problem, if you think this one is bad,

Scott, weird. Oh, no. Here's what I assumed after watching this. I assumed that number two, the first one was such a hit that they're going to get an influx of money and be able to make it a little more like...

you know, throw some money at it, whereas it might lose some of the magic of the original, whatever that may be. At least it would look better. That is exactly what happens, Scott. But the uncanny valley of these turtles, when they start making them look better, by three, Scott...

It's like a Sonic the Hedgehog situation where you're like, the teeth are weird. I don't like the way they look. Oh, no. But I will say, Scott, okay. So for me, Ninja Turtles 1 is the best Ninja Turtles movie. It's the best Ninja Turtles thing that exists. Whoa. Can I ask something about it? Of course. Was there a children's cartoon that came out? So let's talk about that real quick. So before the movie, there was the comic book.

which was very dark and for adults, but they were trying to make some toys for this. And in order to make toys, back in the day, you had to have a cartoon baby. Sure. So they

They produced a cartoon, and the cartoon is much different than the movie. And it's a lot different than the comic books. The cartoon is where they develop the different colors for the turtles. Okay, and the colors are what's on their masks. What identifies them on their masks, of course. And in the comics, they're all- This is something that I couldn't quite tell from the movie. Are they wearing masks at home? I guess I wasn't clocking it. They never take off the mask. I guess it's like a t-shirt to them.

Oh, okay. Sure. They already have a shell, which is sort of a turtle's t-shirt.

The shell is the turtle's t-shirt. See, Scott, it's hard for me to write you off this project because you just come up with fun jokes like that all the time. They're definitely more fun than the jokes that are in this film, which I want to talk about. So we'll talk about the jokes. There's some definite bad jokes in this. So the thing about this movie that's interesting is it's, of course, a very low-budget film. You've talked about that, Scott. Yeah. Okay, so the first thing that comes up is you see Golden Harvest, which is a classic –

Asian cinema studio. They're a Hong Kong stunt and film studio. I recently, I have watched quite a few golden harvest movies, uh,

including Police Story 1 and 2. Love those Jackie Chan. Those are some of the best Jackie Chan films because they just don't give a shit about explain. It's just all action. I love those. And they don't give a shit about anyone's safety. Yeah, it's just like Jackie's, including the public at large. Right, right, right. But also, you know, Bruce Lee. So I'm guessing, and I don't know anything about these films, but I'm guessing that

Okay, so it was a comic book and it was a cartoon. I'm guessing that...

golden harvest got the foreign rights to do the movie and started filming the movie as a golden harvest production. And then from what you said in the intro, new line acquired it. Is that what new line acquired it about halfway through production? And I believe you're right there, Scott. I believe it was, it was the same team that brought the cartoons. It was there. It was literally all about the toys, Scott. I mean,

You know, we're selling toys. If you see that show on Netflix, The Toys That Made Us, there's a great Ninja Turtles episode. Oh, no. I mean, we should do an episode about that. We should do an episode on that. We've got to talk about it. But...

But by the way, for people listening, we're doing all the movies here. I don't even think we made that clear. I don't think we made it clear either. This is just one in a series. This is one in a series. Scott fucked up and said, let's watch all the DigiTurtles movie. And now he's sort of cursed. Yeah, I think I even said the modern ones. And I'm like, this is a big mistake, Scott. But I'm here for you, baby. Okay, I don't know. I don't know how, if at any point this podcast even ends in the middle of the show, I don't know.

It will be because we cannot stand doing it. It would just be because Scott says, you know what? Fuck this. I'm walking out of the cave. This may happen with the Red Hot Chili Peppers show. It may happen with this show. At a certain point, we may just say, call it off and go. Scott Hockerman, a man who creates podcasts. He needs to think about walking away from. Yes. The fish show. It certainly happened there.

So yes, this was a low budget film, Scott, and it was Golden Harvest, but it was the toy guys that were like, we got to keep moving. We've got to make a live action movie. So it was all sort of a orchestration from the entire IP, which was Mirage Studios, which is Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman, the comic book writers.

So they were like, let's make this movie. Nobody wanted to make it because of Masters of the Universe. That was a huge flop. Oh, that's right. I never saw that either, but it came out earlier. It was a huge flop, and there were some others. Super Mario Brothers, did that come out before? I think that came out later, much later. Another one I have not seen. And we'll do an ep on that. Now, the... I don't know about that. Okay, all right, Scott. You know, we signed a contract, so I can kind of do whatever I want.

Now, what happened is they made this movie and it was they got a director from England. And I want to talk to you about this director, Scott. Now, the director, I weirdly enough, I think I think the writer that I was talking about before, Tom Brehan, I was reading his column before we started doing this show.

And he was, the column that he writes is all about, he takes the number one single on the billboard charts and he's reviewing every single one since the chart started. Right. That's, that's a great. So he's currently in the early eighties and I, I was reading it recently and he mentioned that the video director for whatever song it was, I can't remember what the song was. I can look it up. Um,

was a, was a sort of veteran music video director who then got hired to direct the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Yes. So we're talking about Steve Barron and I'll tell you the songs, the popular songs that he directed the music videos for. Okay. Billy Jean. Oh, the,

The classic. Classic video. And you can sort of think about the street element to it and apply it to his Turtles movie. And then take on me. And then also think about the young kids in this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. That applies to Michael Jackson as well. Well, you know, Scott, we're going to cut that out. You know, Scott... What? Why are we cutting it out? Are you a super fan? I like to separate the music from the... All right, let's sort of get into that. So, Scott...

This guy directed Take On Me as well, Scott. Take On Me, this is the song, this is the one that I read about. And this is the video... This is one of the best videos of all time. Can you describe it, Scott? Because I do think it's important to sort of set this director up. So the Swedish band, or Norwegian band, I can't recall, A-Ha, which is the H is capitalized after a dash, but the A is lowercase. Both A's are lowercase.

they have a song take on me, which everyone knows, which in the video, I believe a woman is drawing a comic book

that stars the lead singer of A-Ha, and then she gets pulled into the comic book, I believe, and comes to life. Is that essentially what happens? It was one of the first music videos with incredible special effects. It was incredible, Scott. And, you know, it's the iconic, like, drawn video, and it's just, like, the song and the video just go hand in hand. And I guess this guy then decided to make a sloppy-ass movie where there was no, like...

thought put into it i guess i don't know i guess the teenage mutant ninja turtles yeah you know he also he also directed conehead scott do you like that movie oh boy okay well i will say i've never seen coneheads either scott this is disgusting i have the soundtrack how do you like the soundtrack soundtrack has uh bare naked ladies fight the power i believe and it also has uh red hot chili pepper soul to squeeze which may come up on my other show

Please bring up Coneheads on the other show. I do believe we may. But yeah, it is interesting. When I think of Billie Jean and Take On Me, those are two of the most classic music videos and they look expensive and they were big, big hits. And then this movie, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, seems to have none of that professional sheen on it.

Right, right. I guess let's talk about the turtles, Scott, and the suits. Sure. Because I guess those were made by this unprofessional sort of dick guy, this sort of loser guy. I guess his name was Jim Henson. Oh, yeah. I guess Jimmy Henson made the turtles. So I guess this whole thing was sloppy and unthought. Look, Scott, what I'm saying is you're out of your damn mind.

Okay, Jim Henson made the turtle costumes. Now they were a nightmare to wear. You mentioned that this Hong Kong production studio was sort of notorious for people getting hurt in their movies. Right.

These turtle suits are one of the seven. We're going to have to figure this out, Scott, because they weighed like 70 pounds and the actors wearing them in North Carolina were like having panic attacks from claustrophobia. That's what I saw in the credits. It said he was shot primarily in North Carolina. That's right. In the summer. These guys are wearing 70 pound suits with animatronics and machines running on the inside and doing fight choreography.

And were they controlling the animatronics or was that via remote control? I think it was remote control. It was like multiple people per turtle. So they're not expected to be puppeteers during this as well. They're just moving around. They're just moving around. And I read somewhere that each of them lost about 20 pounds doing shooting. And people complained about the shooting on set. So right now we're in suit development, Scott.

and that's going to take like... Because we're doing a live-action version, of course. Yeah, we don't want to do the... The CGI. Apparently, the recent ones are CGI. Is that right? Yeah. And so we don't want to do that. It's sort of like a Star Wars thing. I'll keep going back to that. Like the original tactile feel of a Star Wars movie. Sure. You got the guy in the devil mask, sort of like the Spider-Man Halloween costume. He's got...

He's got the devil all over his pajama bottom. You've got devil guy. And then you get to the new stuff and it's all CGI. You've got like a CGI ET in the background. It's like, fuck off with that stuff. Yeah, agreed. And the new movies, they go back to some more practical effects. And I think that's what we're doing here with the turtles. Okay, great. So were they shorter actors in the... But they were adults? They were adults, Scott. And the only actor who played...

who actually did the voice and was in the costume is, I got to look up his name because you'll know this actor. I think his name is Pius, Steve Pius or something. Yeah. Is that the guy who's in the taxi cab? Yes. That's the guy in the taxi cab. Yeah. I saw him in the taxi cab and I'm like, Oh, that guy is a well-known character actor or not even a character actor, just like a well-known actor. Who's been in a million things. I'm like, what is he doing in this? And then I saw in the credits, uh,

that his name came up twice as the voice of one of the turtles and as the guy in the taxi cab. But you're saying he was in the suit as well. He was also, he was the only one that was in the suit. Feldman, I believe, just did the voiceover. And then there were like stuntmen that were in the suits that also made cameos in the movie. Like for instance, I believe the, like, I,

I believe the Domino's pizza guy delivering the pizza in Act 1 is Michelangelo. Which, by the way, I have to say, speaking of the pizza, at 4 minutes and 23 seconds in the movie...

That's the first time that you see a manhole cover. And I got excited. Okay. All right. And I thought, here we go. Frank just doesn't remember it. I saw a lot of the notes you were taking and they were like, manhole cover, four minutes in. And I was like, Scott, that's not what we're doing. Well, then at eight minutes in is the first mention of pizza. I mean, isn't this a big part of them? Yeah, it's a big part. I don't know anything about them. So the pizza was actually added to the cartoon. It's not a part of the comics at all.

Oh, so wait. So it goes comics, no pizza. Cartoon, they love pizza. And then movie, they love pizza as well. And then movie, they love pizza. It's sort of amalgamation of the comics and the movies. And the cartoon. The movie, I have to say, it sort of feels like...

A movie where it's like, hey, you know everything about the turtles already, right? Really? So you don't think that... Okay, Scott. So just in the beginning of the movie, you know, I do think they do a good job of setting up New York City. Well, how hard do you have to try? It's the fifth character in so many movies. Well, the first shot is the Twin Towers.

And then we're on shaky ground, shaky ground. But, you know, it's New York City. Then the next shot, I think, is like a subway or something. And you're like, oh, we're in New York City. Yeah, this is definitely New York City. You know, being as it was shot in North Carolina, you know, they have to sort of cover that up.

There was like three days of shooting in New York City, actually, and they just shot all the beginning and end of the movie there. Great. But they do a good job of setting that up. But Scott, I think in Act 1, you know, in April, of course, we're going to go... I'll go through the plot loosely here, but April O'Neil is mugged in the beginning and is saved by the turtles. I don't know that she's mugged in the beginning, by the way. It was pretty late mugging as far... The movie is structured...

It kind of, here's what I think. Okay. Tell me if I'm right. Okay. In 1989, Batman comes out, right? And it's a huge, huge hit. And so everyone thinks in order to make a comic book movie, we have to structure it like Batman. Now, Batman is structured kind of weirdly. Interesting. Where Batman starts with Batman literally foiling a crime.

And you don't know how Batman came to be until the midpoint of the movie. Right. And you see Jack Nicholson shooting, spoiler alert, by the way, if you haven't seen it, you see him shooting. Is that the big long gun? Yeah, probably. I remember the long gun. I mean, personally, I look at it, I'm like, oh, that's a regular-sized gun, but you think it's long. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a little dick, Scott. That's canon.

That's canon. By the way, we're changing canon nonstop during this thing, so people better be catching up. Okay. Sorry, joking. In any case, I saw this movie and I'm like, oh, they are kind of approaching it from a you already know everything you need to know about the turtles. We'll get to all of the stuff that's their canon later on down the road to the point where I, a person who knows nothing about the turtles, was...

fairly bored and confused in the beginning because there wasn't a lot of dramatic momentum. Okay, so let me explain to you what a masterstroke is, Scott. Oh, okay. Thank you. A masterstroke is when a writer does something so subtle and so nuanced and so powerful that you look back and you're like, that was a masterstroke, baby. And to me, first of all, the first speaking scene of the movie outside of April O'Neil's report is her getting mugged.

and she does get mugged by Sam Rockwell. Right. But there's a lot of movie before that, but okay. Okay, I mean, look, Scott, I can tell you beat for beat every single thing that happened, but she gets robbed, and the turtles save her, and then the reason I know this is the beginning, Scott, is because once they're celebrating saving her is when the title drop happens.

Yeah, okay. So I feel like we may need to watch it. We're going to do an episode two where you re-watch because I feel like he's sort of missed a lot. So the masterstroke I wanted to tell you about, Scott, is when April O'Neil is down with the turtles. She's now been saved for a second time by April O'Neil, by Raphael, and she's been brought to their lair. And then Splinter has to explain who the turtles are.

And in that scene, the background fades to black and we get a sort of explanation of the turtle's backstory. I mean, it gives you the whole thing. No, he doesn't give you the whole thing. Okay, so first of all, by the way, why is it shot like... This is the guy who directed Take On Me. Why is it shot like the shittiest...

35 millimeter home movie that I've ever seen. I want to go back to the shooting style for the new movie just to like, you know, just for that. Yeah. You know, the way they did like, why I keep going to Star Wars, but they, they, they brought the wipes back, you know, and the new ones. And to me, I want to bring, I want to bring back the feel that you're watching this on a green videotape. Yeah.

It looks so bad. But here's the thing I want to say. The whole Splinter backstory, in this flashback that you're talking about, he's like, first of all, can we just talk about the fact that...

He's doing an Asian accent. So, okay, it's Kevin Clash. So we've got to talk about the problematic nature of this movie in general. Yes, a lot of problematic things that don't necessarily hold up. April O'Neil makes a joke about Sony payments when she gets robbed, and I cringe so hard. No, when Asian people come to rob her, she's like, what am I, late on my Sony payment? It's insane!

It's insane. And I truly, we're not working with any of that bullshit. The splinter voice, at least he's a person of color. At least he's... It's Kevin Clash, of course, the voice of Elmo. And he's doing a sort of like sensei voice. And yes, it is problematic, Scott. Yes. But I mean, here's the thing. They probably just didn't want to give it to an Asian person because he's the puppeteer and he's a talented guy. It literally was a sort of package deal. If you were going to get him to do the thing, he had to do the voice. Right.

So in any case, but he just says like, okay, I had a master who I used to follow along with his secret ninjutsu moves in my cage.

Then we had to go to New York and I was fending for myself in the sewers. There's a lot in between there that he is. You're right, Scott. But this is what I like to call foreshadowing, Scott, because the question is answered with the next flashback. But my problem is, is that next flashback is really good. And it hooked me into their story.

But because it's structured like Batman, which is the only movie that could be successful as a comic book, they have it way late. If you put that at the beginning, I'm hooked, baby. I think you're right, Scott. In watching it behind you, I was sort of like, these flashbacks are a little out of order, you know? He might as well just told April O'Neil the whole story. He's like, look, okay, so I'm going to get to the turtle thing in a second. Right.

I'm living in Japan. First you got to know about me. Look, I'm a giant talking rat. That's weird too, right? That to me is the first thing we've got to figure out. And how did I become their dad? Like that whole thing needs to get explained. But Scott, I will say those flashback scenes, I love them. I love the style of like old black shadowy background and the like... Everything out of focus. Out of focus. You know, it's really dark. Like imagine kids going to see this movie and there's a splinter character telling a story where it was like...

They were in love with the same woman, so he followed her to New York and killed her and killed him. It's like, yo, this shit is dark as hell, Scott. Okay. I mean, I will say it seemed more juvenile than I thought it was going to. Why? Because a little rat started doing, like, chops and stuff? Yeah.

That feels like childlike to you? The whole thing seemed very aimed at six-year-olds. I also like in the second flashback when he's in America and he comes home from work, he's wearing like he was working in a coal mine or something. He takes off his construction hat. It's very funny. I have to ask about that. There's a moment in there where one of the turtles, and I could not tell you the turtles' names, by the way. We'll go through that right now.

But one of them comes out of the movie Critters. He needs some time off and he goes to see the movie Critters and he walks out of it saying, where do they come up with this stuff? I literally, Scott, when I saw that, when I watched it behind you watching that, I was like, I totally forgot about this part. What a weird part. Why are they taking a shot at Critters? Why make Critters?

I don't even think so. To be honest, I think it might have been like a diss or something. It was so strange. It might be a thing of like, hey, look, we know Critters is out there. We just got to acknowledge it. We're similar to Critters.

It's like to put out a movie and don't acknowledge critters, they're going to get in trouble, you think? So they had to add this scene. I have a feeling they shot that months later where they're like, fuck, we got to address the critters thing. We got to look. This is every note we're getting back at testing. Everyone's saying, yeah, I like this better when it was called Critters. The only reshoot we've got to do is Critters. So yes, I don't know why that was in the movie, but

I'll just walk you through the plot very quickly. It's a three-act movie. The first movie, the first act is where you're introduced to April O'Neil. You're introduced to the turtles. And Raphael is sort of clashing with the rest of the turtles. And this is sort of Raphael's canon. He's always the loner, you know? He is, okay. And he's upset. I couldn't quite figure out why he was upset. I know he lost his...

Well, he's upset. He lost his sigh, but he's ultimately upset because Splinter gets kidnapped when he leads one of the Foot Clan back to their lair when he saves April O'Neil. Sure. Okay, but I don't know why he's so upset when he goes to see that movie other than he lost his sigh. He was pissed that he lost his sigh. Scott, have you ever tried to get a sigh?

Look, I have to agree. This shit is hard. Even one sigh is hard. He had two and they matched and then he lost one to some woman he didn't think he'd ever see again. Like, dude, I'd be pissed too, Scott. Yeah. What I like about how pissed he is too is how many times he says, damn. Did you notice that? I guess I didn't notice that. Yeah, you're right. The first line of any turtle in the movie is...

And then he goes into the sewer. It's very strange. Well, let's talk about their personalities because from what I could tell, one is like a surfer dude. Okay. You're talking about Michelangelo. And Scott, it's important to know that the cartoon was the one that sort of set the personalities. They did. Okay. They did. And have you ever heard the song for the cartoon, Scott?

No, I have not. So I'm going to ask you to listen to the song, but interesting fact about the song, written and recorded by Chuck Lorre. Oh, the Two and a Half Men guy. The mega producer, Chuck Lorre. Did he make a ton of money off the cartoon, and that's why he has just a ton of time to sit around writing sitcoms? I'd have to look, but I couldn't see why not. I mean, truly the song is the reason the whole thing is popular, but...

So he describes the turtles in a song, and basically it goes as follows. Michelangelo is cool. He's a party dude. Okay. Raphael is cool but rude. Okay. They're both cool. All right. That's good canon. Leonardo, he's cool, but he's the leader. He's cool, but he's the leader? Yeah. So that's like, okay, he's cool, but... He's the leader.

Why the butt? And why not Anne? I don't know if that's in the song, but I just am implying that he's cool, but he's the leader. Oh, okay. And then Donatello does machines. Okay, so he's not cool. This is like the sort of letting him down easy. Yeah, he's sort of the like geeky, not cool one, but in the cartoon, he does machines.

There's not a lot of that in the movie, but that's sort of his personality in the cartoon. What machines does he do in the cartoon? Meaning he like drives a Zamboni as well? It's interesting. I believe in the cartoon intro, the animation is him sitting at like this giant supercomputer that is maybe 3D printing a pizza or something. Maybe it's a manhole. Okay, Scott, maybe it's a manhole.

So those are the personalities from the cartoon. But in the movies, they really just have Leonardo as the leader, Michelangelo parties, Donatello's Corey Feldman, and Raphael is a bad boy. Okay.

Okay, so who does the surfer voice? That would be Michelangelo. And who does that one? Corey Feldman or no? That's not Corey Feldman. Corey Feldman's Donatello who does machines. The voice of Michelangelo. So here's an interesting thing about Michelangelo, Scott. Do you remember?

Let me look up the name. Do you remember Cousin Oliver, Scott? Sure, from the Brady Bunch. He was added in a later season, and a lot of people think that's when the Brady Bunch jumped the shark. Guess who grew up to be the voice of Michelangelo, Scott? Whoa!

no way. That's right, Scott. It's him. It's the guy who played, what's his name? Robert wrist. I believe. Oh, Robbie wrist. Yeah. He had a, didn't he have a band to like a pop band as well? Ooh, great question. You know that you might want to bring that up on your band. Like in the, in the mid nineties, uh,

when I was seeing a lot of like John Bryan-y, like pop-topia type stuff that Robbie Wriste was a player in that scene, but I have no idea. Interesting. You know, I'll look into it, Scott. Maybe play a couple songs and do an album listening. Okay, great. But he was Michelangelo, and he's also the...

He's also the Domino's guy. And there's like a New York guy, right? The New York guy is Raphael. And that is the guy that was in the taxi cab. That's in the taxi cab. Okay, great. And then if you had to describe Corey Feldman's voice, what is he doing? What kind of voice is he doing? It's hard to say, but it's like a...

If it's like a vocal fry, it's like I can't describe his vocal fry. Hey, what's going on? There's a bit of that. Yes, yes. And look, Donatello is just as funny as Michelangelo in this. I don't think they could just sideline him with just machines in the movie. I think they're kind of boring. Sure, sure. I had a hard time distinguishing all of the turtles.

That's why they gave him colors. Maybe you need to see if you're coloring. But in Act 1, Raphael's pissed. He's like sort of separating himself from the turtles because, yeah, you know, Splinter's gone and he's sort of their dad. And, you know, after a heart-to-heart with Raphael, Raphael's feeling really, really vulnerable. So he goes up onto a roof and starts kicking and fighting, which was like a funny scene. By himself. By himself, he just starts kicking and fighting. And I think it's sort of, what's that movie where the guy goes into the woods and just starts like...

kicking around and what is it called? I'm trying to think of any movie where anyone goes into the woods. Footloose is another one I have not seen. Scott, this is... I can't... We should just call this movie Scott hasn't seen. But anyways, Raphael is injured in a fight with the foot.

The foot is the, are the ninjas. Yes. Who additionally have bad Asian accents. Yes, of course. And they are led by shredder. Who's this sort of like, he runs this sort of like lost boys, like runaway boys home for bad. He has, he has sort of a Bane mask on and he as well has pictures of Bane on his cloak. He definitely has Bane all over his cloak. It's like a seventies costume. Yeah.

But yeah, he's wearing a mask that obscures his face. Yes, but there's something about these turtles and the way that they've described their fighting that reminds him of something. Reminds him of something. I will say he's the antagonist and he does not show up for a long ass time. Yes, that's right. So that's what I kind of mean by dramatically inert a little bit. So if you were rewriting this, you'd say what? Shredder in the first scene? No. Well, no, no, no, no. I mean, basically, you want to make it...

one sixth of the way through the movie you want to establish your antagonist probably. So maybe it's they're fighting this guy, they're fighting a guy from the foot and they're like, tell us what you know and he's like, I can't, I can't.

Shredder will kill me. And everyone's like, who's Shredder? Who's Shredder? And then Shredder's right behind him going, choo-choo, I'm the guy who just killed him. Okay, we're going to have to save that choo-choo for later because that's the way he sort of pops into Act 3. But Act 1 is in New York. Raphael gets injured and they have to retreat to a cabin, Scott. We've got to talk about Elias Cateus too. We've got to talk about Elias Casey Jones, Scott. So tell me what you know about Elias, Scott. Okay, so I...

I had heard of April O'Neil, okay, and that she was a friend of the Turtles. I didn't know anything about her being a reporter or anything like that. I have never heard of Casey Jones. I don't know whether he is part of the cartoon, don't know whether, but Elias Koteas pops up in the movie and...

One of the turtles, I'm assuming Raphael, I don't know. It's Raphael. He's cool, but rude. He's cool, but rude. But he subdues in a cool, but rude way, three pickpockets. And then Elias Koteas wearing hockey gear, I think, bursts out and then is going to kill them with his hockey stick. Yes, go. And then Raphael says, hey, don't kill them. And then they fight.

And they're enemies from what I could tell. Yes. Now, Scott, that is pulled directly from the comic books. It is. It is. I think even line for line is from where they're like, all right, pal. And the whole like Jose Canseco bat thing. By the way, there are several jokes I do not understand. Same, Scott. I believe this is one of the first ones. He says that...

He says something about, hey, is that a Jose Canseco bat? Tell me you didn't pay money for this. Yeah. Is that a slam on Jose Canseco? Now, I feel like he was a Met or something at the time. So it's an interesting slam.

I'm going to look that up, Scott, because that, to me, puzzled me too. There were a lot of jokes where I'm just like, I don't know what this is from. It's from like a 1930s movie. I think Michelangelo does an impression of Cagney or something. Oh, no. At a certain point, they start doing impressions. One of them does the worst Stallone I've ever seen, and April O'Neil is cackling. She's cracking up like it's a good impression. And then the next person starts doing a Cagney impression, and then April O'Neil says, Shredder must love that. And then...

And then they all go, Splinter, sorry, sorry. Splinter must love that. And then everyone gets silent and she goes, what? It was a joke. And then they all laugh like, ha ha ha ha. No, we got it. We were just fucking with you. What does it mean? Scott, the line is you dirty rat.

You know, Scott, this is why we're going to have to do a rewatch. So we're going to do a season one of this pod, and then the rewatch season where you're sort of a fan, and you're sort of getting Easter eggs and stuff. Can we talk about a few other jokes I just don't get, just so you can explain them to me? This is a segment of the pod called Jokes I Don't Get. Can you explain them? So at a certain point, they're underneath in the sewers, and...

They say, are we where we're supposed to be? And someone says, do you mean like 13th and Broadway? And someone sniffs and goes, no, we're only on 9th Street. Get it?

And then April O'Neil says, yuck. So I guess what I think maybe at the time, the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood in New York was sort of a slum. You know, it's the same place that Daredevil is from, Hell's Kitchen. And I think it might be a reference to that. So it's a very specific New York street slam. It's a specific New York street slam that might be an Easter egg for Daredevil.

Got it. Okay. Is it a good joke, Scott? I don't think so. And I think you're finding you're the one who's going to be writing the new stuff. So like figure out what works and what doesn't, you know? Okay. I guess there is a certain point where someone says time to switch to decaf April.

Which doesn't make sense in that particular situation. But it is a joke that is like commonly you'll find it in movies where people go time to switch to decaf. Yes, I think what I think it is, is I think she had just been flustered by something because her boss was in the house and the turtles had to hide while her boss was walking around her apartment. So as she's flustered and closed the door, she's like, oh, oh.

And Michelangelo's like, you better switch to decaf. I don't think it's a good joke either, Scott. You know, it's a big reach to me, but I'm writing these down. There is a certain point where one of the turtles decides to spin on his back and he says, California roll. I'm guessing because he's the one with the sort of surfer accent. I think, yes. I don't, the California roll of it all doesn't make any sense. Like he could have said like rainbow roll or sort of anything like that.

Is there like an orange roll, a Michelangelo roll? I don't know. It's just not a good joke, Scott. Yeah. But if you follow the movie, Scott, they realize their jokes aren't great. And towards the end, they're pitching jokes to each other. Yeah. And each one is worse. And then finally on the third one, someone goes...

brilliant or excellent. The jokes aren't great, Scott, but this movie is about the grit, the gore. Now, the heart of the movie is act two, Scott, but before we get into it, I think we've got to take a break. We've got to take a break, yes. We should take a break. We'll be right back with more Doughboys. No, no, we'll be right back with more CB... No, we'll be...

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All right. And we are back. And we were just about to jump into Act Two, which to me is the heart of the movie, the cabin scene, Scott. Is this truly Act Two? This is a very poorly structured movie. Elias Koteas, who's, by the way, a good actor, and I really liked him in Some Kind of Wonderful, which is maybe how he got this gig, because he was so charismatic and magnetic in that that he's playing sort of the comedy character in this. Yeah, and this movie was considered an indie film at the time, so it might have been that kind of thing.

And by the way, he was speaking of new line. He was married, I believe at the time to Jennifer Rubin, who was in a nightmare on Elm street, three dream warriors. Maybe that's how the whole connection it's the dream. It's the new line family. Yeah.

So he helps the turtles out and then they have to go to this cabin, which he looks at the cabin and says like, hey, didn't they use this in the Grapes of Wrath? And then April says, very funny. Yeah. Is it really? I don't understand. I don't think it's funny either. I will say a lot of the jokes you can sort of be like,

It was like a lot of this like Saved by the Bell and those kind of shows at the time. It's like, you know, all these jokes were written by like old, old men that were just like, I'm referencing 1930s movies. I think Stallone impressions are funny. Yes, we did. We did a sketch on Bang Bang that Dan Klein wrote.

that was sort of based on this, which was we were noticing that, you know how when you watch a show and you can just tell who's in the writer's room? Yes. So like I was watching RuPaul's recent Netflix sitcom and every character talks like a drag queen, even if they're not a drag queen.

But we did a sketch about a sort of like teen soap opera that was written by super old Jewish writers. And they all talk about like Jewish... That's what this reminds me of is they're all like... They're all jokes from other movies that...

They're just references, you know, where people go like, hey, this is kind of like moonlighting, isn't it? When Elias Koteas and April O'Neil are fighting. Yeah, it's there's a lot of like half references. I don't think they knew how to do that kind of thing back in the 90s. You know, they were just like shooting like there's a TV show I used to watch called Out of This World, Scott. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but it's I've heard of it. I've never seen it.

It's got a great theme song, and it's about a young girl who finds out that her father is an alien. She never met her father. She finds out she's half alien, and she gets powers every year. And it's this sort of teen sort of... Every day, every year. She continually has powers? Every year on her birthday, she gets a new power. So she gets an additional power? Yes. She gets an additional power. She only has powers on her birthday. She gets them, and she can have them forever.

Okay, so every year she gets a new one. And the first power she has is stopping time, like Zack Morris. Oh, okay. But anyways, the reason I bring this up is because it's this coming-of-age story about this girl that goes from 15 to 18 in the four seasons. But it's so clearly written by... She lives in the four seasons? She lives in the four seasons, yeah. And it's so clear that it's written by old men. The jokes that this little girl is saying, it's like... They're all references to like, you know, like...

I mean, I was going to say stuff like references to Gilligan's Island or whatever, which there are references to in this movie. But when the Grapes of Wrath came up, I was like...

Okay, what 80-year-old guy is writing this? Well, Cagney. Isn't that like a 1930s movie? Yeah, exactly. It's insane. So anyways, this is the heart of the movie, Scott. The cabin. The cabin. I will say one reference they make is they say, this guy's like Wayne Gretzky on steroids. And I thought it would be funny in our movie if we made references where it was like, this guy's like Mark McGuire on steroids. And then someone goes, do you just mean Mark McGuire? Oh, Scott!

This guy's like Lance Armstrong on steroids. You mean like Lance Armstrong. Let me ask you this, Scott. Now that you know the characters, who do you think would be the one delivering that punch? I don't know the characters. I've watched this movie. I don't know the characters. Jesus, Scott. I think it's a Michelangelo joke, but we'll get into it. Okay, we'll figure that out. So in the cabin, Scott, they think Splinter's dead. Raphael is in a coma in a tub.

And the movie becomes very internalized. April O'Neil sprinkles water on him once and goes, he'll be okay. She like drink sprinkles water on him like he's free willy or something like you got to keep him wet for him to breathe. But I'll be honest, Scott, all jokes aside, every single time we get to the cabin and I watch this movie.

I am so drawn into this part of the movie. I think the cinematography is absolutely amazing. I will say this is the most aha the movie is because April O'Neil, who is, by the way, a news reporter, a hard-hitting news reporter, who apparently works on one story every day, and then they repeat her story over

At five and at six o'clock, which I didn't know news programs just repeated things. Back in the 90s. Sure. But in any case, she's a reporter. She takes up sketching in the middle of the movie. And she sketches the turtles, and then it segues from her sketches to them literally in those poses. And I was like, this is a lot like Take On Me, so it makes sense. Exactly, Scott. This was the Take On Me element. She's drawing the turtles, and she's sort of saying stuff like,

With Raphael down, the other turtles are coping. Donatello's making jokes with Casey Jones. And then there's like a really bad scene where they're just like in a truck making jokes, going by the alphabet, insulting each other, which I thought was a fine premise, but like, come on, hose brain, a lot of the shit they say is stupid. Yeah. And at one point someone says, hey, how's the work on the truck going? And Elias Koteas goes, boom.

does that answer your question? Yeah, it's so, it's so, it doesn't. I mean, I guess I could assume it's going explosion. I don't know. I think he was trying to shoot it to put it out of its misery, maybe. And he's saying, does this answer your question? I'm like, it just makes it a little more confusing. I don't think he shoots anything, Scott. You know, I think he's a hockey stick guy.

If you remember the end of the movie, he has to have a stick that is associated with a sport in order to beat anyone. So he's a stick guy. He's not a hockey stick guy. He gets a golf club and he's like, hey, this is in my wheelhouse, baby. He's finally like, thank God there's a golf club here.

But the scene, okay, so we're in the cabin and the turtles are all there. Raphael wakes up and the scene where he wakes up and like Leonardo's like, he's awake, he's awake. I truly am like, all right, I'm already welling sort of. I'm starting to cry. Well, the other thing we should mention is Elias Cote is Casey Jones, sorry. And April O'Neil have a real will there, won't they? Although it's just unpleasant kind of thing. I'm going to say, I'm going to make it a won't they. I don't like that any of that part of that story. I don't like their relationship at all.

But at one point, she walks in and she's like, got a kink in her neck and she's like, and he forcibly sits her down against her wishes. Scott, I hate that part. And then he starts to massage her and he immediately goes down to her boobs. Watching you watch it, Scott, I was like, I feel bad. I'm subjecting my friend to this madness. I feel bad if my boner was getting in the way of your view. I will say that that is a problem. We're going to have to talk about it. But Scott, I will...

To be honest, they should do a special edition where they just cut that scene out. There's no reason for it. And then Michelangelo comes in and gets turtle wax. The whole thing is for a turtle wax joke. As a joke, yeah. Like...

What I was wondering is, does he actually put the turtle wax on? This is a great part. I think for our movie, we have an Easter egg where there's an empty turtle wax can in the bathroom. We're like, I guess he did use the turtle wax. I guess he did use it. Maybe he's using it to jerk off. I don't know exactly what's going on with this wax. But now we get to our scene that sort of thrusts us into the third act, Scott. They think Splinter's dead.

And early in the movie, Splinter says, in order to master being a ninja, you have to master the body and the mind, Scott. Right. So Leonardo's meditating, which I guess is something the turtles do. Not really established any other time in the movie. Yeah, yeah. But he's doing the om kind of with his fingers. He's sort of meditating and he sees a glimpse of Splinter who's still alive and captured by Shredder. Right. And he goes to the other three and he says, Splinter's alive.

I don't believe. I know. By the way, I'm just putting together Splinter is called

is called Splinter because Daredevil's master is called Stick. That's right. And that's a funny thing to be like a splinter off a stick. Is that right? Yeah, Scott. The whole thing is a parody, like you said. Okay. Like the ooze that made Daredevil blind is the same ooze that made the turtles. I did not realize that either. Did you not put that together, Scott? I think there is even a comic where you see the ooze get to Daredevil, his eyes go whatever, and then the ooze rolls into the sewer, and then you see the start of the turtle.

I think I've seen that. I think that might be the first comic Scott. So there's so much daredevil shit in here, Scott. It's hard to even, that's what I'm saying. I think that ninth street thing is a daredevil reference. Okay. Okay. Got it. So anyways, Leonardo thinks that Shredder's alive and this Scott, to me, this is the part of the movie that is a sort of non-starter. Like we have to have this part in the reboot. We have to have the meditation where they see Splinter and the

And they all start crying. They all... Yeah, inexplicably, they are weeping. Not tears of joy, either. No, they... Because Splinter, he sort of apparates to them in sort of a Force ghost style. And at the end of it, he says... Yeah, he's... Do you mean Forrest Gump? Or he's a ghost in a forest? I'm saying... Sorry, Scott. I'm saying Force ghost, like Star Wars. Oh, okay. Because Forrest ghost...

Well, they're in the forest in the scene, so it is a forest ghost. No, but this is a good idea for a different movie. All right, let me write that down. Because Forrest Gump would be dead by now, wouldn't he? I mean, he's lived through so much history, but Tom Hanks is alive. Let's get him as a ghost. Forest ghost.

Wait, you know Haley Joel, right? Yeah, of course. Yeah, get him in there. He's the only person who can see him. We'll get Haley Joel in there. Oh, this shit's a success reboot. Scott, you're on fire. We've got to sort of take this beam of energy, focus it back on the turtles here. Okay, sure. And just make sure that there's a way in the new movie that we get a scene where the turtles...

like meditating together and dead. And then they start crying because his last words, his last words to them are my final words to you. And I don't know why he says that because no one's trending to kill. Maybe he just meant the final words of this community. I think there's a weird miscommunication that causes them to all cry and

Sort of forces them into act three. Think that maybe he's dead? Right. Maybe, I don't know. So they basically, they meditate. They do a speech that I used to have memorized for real and...

It is truly one of the, it's a heartbreaking scene where these four sons think their father is dead. The whole movie is about father, Scott. Yeah. Shredder, I mean, Shredder is a surrogate father for these runaways. The side character, Danny, runs away from his father and is reunited at the end of the movie. So it's all about father, Scott. So write that down. You know, Father's Day sort of just passed. So we've got to, maybe we drop this on Father's Day.

Next year? Next year. I don't think we can wait that long for it. Okay. Well, yeah, you're right. This thing's got to come out now. Oh, no, I'm talking about the movie we make. Oh, okay. Yeah, maybe we call it Father's Day and it's like an extension of the Father's Day universe with Robin Williams and John Travolta. That's amazing. We're going to talk about Robin Williams in a second here.

Oh, we are? We are, Scott. He's got a connection to the movie. Oh, wow. So they see Shredder. They think he's dead. And then they... My favorite scene of the movie is when Casey Jones and April O'Neil are sitting on that bench and they get interrupted by the turtles and they cut to the turtles. It's a fucking morning rise shot. Yeah. Which, by the way, he's talking to April...

And all they do is clear their throat. They go, ahem. And he turns and says, guys, I told you. I hate when you do that, all right? I guess they're trying to say, like, because they move so swiftly, you never hear when they're coming. But they clear their throat to alert him to their presence. It's not a well-executed joke. I'm going to write that down. The clearing throat thing.

Okay, maybe he just doesn't like people clearing their throats. Maybe that's it, yeah. So anyways, Leonardo says the iconic phrase, it's time to go back, which we've got to write it down because we've got to go back in time. It's time to go back. We've got to go back. It's like Lost. Exactly. We've got to go back. I think that's a direct reference from Jack in season three where he says to Kate, we have to go back, Kate. He's referencing Turtle. He's referencing, oh, wow, okay. Yeah.

So this is before the scene where they say to Elias Koteas, hey, you're claustrophobic. And he says in response, I never looked at another guy before. Okay, that's right. That's coming up. They go back to New York and they take him to their sewer house and he says he's claustrophobic and they make an incredibly off-color joke, homophobic as hell.

And look, it was the 1990s. But it doesn't even make sense because if he thinks they're saying you're homophobic and he responds, hey, I've never even looked at another guy before. That doesn't even make sense. Again, Scott, they weren't good at writing jokes. And I think that's why you're brought in on this project. I will say the burying the pizza was funny.

I laughed at that. That scene, when I saw it, when I watched it, I was like, I actually think Scott's going to laugh at that part. Okay, I did. Because I'll be honest, as a kid, I don't think I understood the penicillin thing. I was like, what the hell is a penicillin? Is that a topping on pizza? That part of it isn't all that well executed, but when they bury the pizza because it's too old to eat, I thought that, and they do a da-da-da, and they have a funeral for it. I thought that was funny. So we're going to be doing some Easter eggs on that with April O'Neil's funeral.

In our movie. In our movie with April O'Neil's funeral, that's how it starts. You gotta write this stuff. This is why I always write stuff down. So they put penicillin on her. Instead of sprinkling dirt on the casket, it's a little bit of penicillin. Wow.

So we're in Act 3. We're back to New York. And what happens as soon as they get back to New York is they're attacked by the foot, and then they fight until the end of the movie. The foot, by the way, now I'm realizing is a parody of the hand, which are the ninjas in Daredevil. That's right, Scott. He's catching up. Look, Scott, you're going to be a freaking master of the turtles by the end of this. Okay, great. So finally it's revealed that Shredder is this...

They have a flashback to Splinter's, how he came to New York. You find out that Shredder is the guy that Splinter scarred with his claws back in... Shredder killed Splinter's master and...

All stuff that should have been pushed earlier, but I'm happy to have it here because it did make for a gripping finale. It's a late flashback where you're like, oh shit, this is personal, you know? Yeah. And what happens is Casey Jones and this little kid, Danny, rescue Splinter. Yeah.

And while O'Neill, by the way, not part of it, I guess it's not woman's work or something, but I do have to say at least she wasn't made a hostage the whole time. No, she wasn't a hostage. There's a scene where she's like in a crawl space above them and they're fighting and she knocks someone with like a broomstick. I forgot. Yeah, that's the one thing she gets to do.

And then Michelangelo's like, good job, April, or something. It's pretty cool. That felt like a reshoot to me of like, oh man, April just out and out disappears from this movie. We got to put her in someone. I think that's where Icinger in the first act, and we're going with her daughter who's been training with the turtles her whole life. Oh, wow. So we don't have to deal with that in our movie. So anyways, this third act is a sort of flurry of action where they're just fighting the foot, trying to find Splinter because they knew that the Shredder has Splinter at a certain point.

So they're on the roof. They're on a roof. This is the final scene of the movie. They're on a roof and they're fighting the foot and they beat them all up. And then who drops down from the ceiling with a chunk shredder shredder. That's right. He's there. He's got a battle. Um,

And they all take turns for some reason. What do you think of this fight scene, Scott? Because this is where you get to see the most sort of like suit combat. Yeah, there's not a lot of combat in the movie. There's like approximately 15 seconds here and there. Yeah, a couple of those punches where you just sort of like put your fist up behind you and you like knock someone over. Right, yeah, there's not a lot. So it was good to see a little more combat in this. But I wish...

I wish they weren't doing that stupid thing of like, let's take them on one at a time, like all four attack, which, you know, by the way, speaking of Jackie Chan, I was watching a documentary about him and he talked about how he hated that in movies and how he always wanted in his movies everyone to attack at the same time. Oh, it made his movies so incredible. Like Rumble in the Bronx, he's like fighting like seven people in one suit that like refrigerate a scene. And it's like, that's what makes those movies great. But for Turtles, we go one at a time. Sure.

And we shoot for it to see who's going next if we don't want to, you know. Yes. But this scene is like, I think for kids would be kind of scary because Shredder's like ready to kill them, quite honestly. Yeah, he's going to kill them. He doesn't have a great plan because when finally Splinter is hanging on to him and he's hanging on for dear life before he falls to his death.

He decides to take out a weapon and tries to kill Splinter at that point, which is like, you're going to get dropped. Either way you slice it, let him pull you up and then kill him. It's a really stupid, like Shredder kind of gets really stupid at the end. But again, once he realizes it's personal, he starts slipping. This time it's personal, yeah. And then I have to say he finally drops down and I think he's not dead and Elias Koteas kills him by mashing him up in a garbage truck. This was a controversial point of the movie.

Shredder falls from the top of this thing. Splinter has now defeated Shredder. Which would be fine if he fell to his death because it was his fault. He tried to attack Splinter. But instead, they give Casey Jones this sort of moment where he looks away from camera and says, oops, turns on the trash compactor and crushes Splinter to death. To death. Or Shredder. And it's truly shocking.

You're a super fan of this movie and you can't keep Splinter and Shredder. It's hard. They both end in er. Er and start with a S. But he kills Shredder in a way that to me was like as a kid I always thought

Okay, oops, he crushed him. I never really thought about it. But then as an adult, I was like, wait, what just happened? This guy just committed a murder here. And then all the cops show up. It's like, April, you've got to report that this guy committed a murder. It's bizarre because so many movies bend over backward to make the hero blameless in a villain's death.

of like, oh, well, you know, he was going to save his life, but at the last second, the villain tried to shoot him and all that kind of stuff. And this one just like straight up has Elias Koteas crushing a man to death. And they did the work to get everyone off the hook. Yeah, it's nuts. It's nuts. But you know what? That's what makes this movie gold, Scott. It's dark as hell. Shredder's dead. Shredder's dead. That's what I said.

all right let me write that down try to do that's what i said yeah let's get uh let's get uh curtis mayfield in on this so that's sort of the end of the movie scott you get a weird well you do have casey jones yeah terrible kiss you have sam rockwell this is the only time i i clocked that it actually was sam rockwell was when he has the one line uh i forget exactly i'll tell you what it is he has a few lines in the movie first one is bad timing and that's when they robbed april o'neill in okay i didn't know that was him at that

That was him. Then the second one is when they're walking through the sort of little runaway home for these boys. There's video games and shit. They could do whatever they want. Which is why, by the way, I thought most kids liked the movie was the fantasy element of all these...

Oliver Twist style pickpockets hanging out together playing video games all day. It's a huge part of it, Scott. We haven't even touched on it. They have a big part like that in Double Dragon, the movie as well. I think it was just a trope at the time. It was just like, we own this warehouse. It's for kids. It's like Burger King Kids Club. Sure, of course. Burger King, by the way, represented in the movie. Yes, definite first. A lot of product placement. The Burger King comes out before Domino's even in the movie. It's very interesting. Yeah.

But anyways, the second line he says, he's like, you can do whatever you want here, some shit like that. And then somebody's like, do you have cigarettes? And he goes, you want regular or menthol? That was him saying that? That was him. And it's a weird part because it's like. Because what kid smokes menthol? Yeah, why are we bringing up cigarettes at all? And then menthol? What are you talking about? That's an old people thing. And then the final line is when the, this is an Easter egg, Scott.

Final line. The police chief is saying, what happened here? We want some answers. And then he says, you'll get some answers. Or no, he doesn't say that. He says, why don't you check out the Eastman Warehouse on Laird Island? You'll get your answers there. That's for the comic book creators. For the writers, right. Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. Wait, what answers are there?

They're supposed to go to some island? No, he's like... I missed this. So the warehouse is on an island. I think it's supposed to be Staten Island or something. Oh, okay. You do see Elias Koteas...

kind of when the one kid goes back, leaves the turtles to go back to rescue Splinter, you do see, yeah, it's on an island. Yeah, it's like on an island. So the guy's like, what happened here? Because the police chief didn't know anything about the foot or shredder. And he says, if you want your answers, go to Eastman Warehouse on Laird Island.

And my whole life I was like, I don't know what the fuck he's saying there. Those places don't exist. And it wasn't until just today when I watched the movie. When you figured it out? Where I was like, oh shit, that's a sick little Easter egg. Sam Rockwell. Well, two lines that I couldn't figure out and I had to go back. You saw me go back trying to figure out what they were. At one point, Elias Koteas appears to say, I'll never call a golf a doll a game again.

Okay, here's what he says. So this is the scene, the golf club scene, Scott. Yeah. Where he gets knocked. He's getting beat up by Shredder's assistant and...

What he says, I saw the subtitle is, I'll never call golf a dull game again. But instead he pronounces it, I'll never call a golf a dull game again. Look, by the time they're at this part of the movie, they're not doing multiple takes. We're burning through daylight. We've spent months in these hot-ass suits, and now that we've got no turtles in these scenes, we just got to get through them. We just got to get through them. The other one that I couldn't figure out is when they kiss, when April O'Neil and Casey Jones kiss.

one of the turtles said something, and I had to rewind it three times. And I guess it's important because it's referenced in one of the closing songs, but he says, 9.95%.

which I guess is an Olympic scoring joke on how good their kiss is. Nice. And then it's a big part of one of these closing rap songs. Yes, the closing rap song really does a good job of explaining the movie. Honestly, you could have probably just listened to the song. Yeah, well, which song? The one by Spunkadelic? The one by... Partners in Crime with a K-R-Y-M-E? Yeah, what was his... The Humpty Dance or whatever? Is that his song? Something like that, yeah. Is he the Humpty Hump?

Spunkadelic was one which I thought was a little inappropriate for a kid's movie. Look, this movie is rude, too, and is crude as well. That's true. Yeah, it's as rude as Raphael is cool. And rude. Scott, I wanted to just tell you a couple of facts about the movie just because I don't think you understand what went into it. April O'Neil, Judith Hogue, had no idea what Ninja Turtles 1 was. Ninja Turtles, she had no idea what it was when they hired her. Okay.

She was in my position. Yes, she was in your position. You want to know who was the sprague to her? Okay, sure. Robin William Scott. What? They were on the set of a movie. They did a movie together. I got to look up what it is. And it's...

Pretty much canon that Robin Williams gave her all his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comics and talked her through the entire franchise. What? Okay, this has to be around 1988 or so, which is when Good Morning Vietnam came out. No, it's like a comedy. Like Jack or something like it? Jack? It wasn't Jack. Could you imagine Robin Williams explaining this movie to you?

I would love that. I mean, that's really interesting. I can imagine it because... He's such a comic book fan. Yeah, so he was like, oh, you've got to do this movie. The Ninja Turtles are this, and April O'Neil's the coolest character. So, you know, look, if you want to knock the movie, Scott, people like Jim Henson, Robin Williams, the aha guy. Robin Williams doesn't necessarily like the movie. I would love to see the follow-up conversation with it.

Where he's like, oh, I saw that movie, boy. Where he's like, this movie sucks. Oh, and he does the meter. Oh. And it's not going into. It's on the low level. It's not a 9.95. That's more like a three. Mindy, Mindy. One other fact I want to tell you about this, but when it was released in my country in Britain, I guess I'm British or something. I don't know. Sure, yeah. I think you are. I think I was from Tampa, but we're changing the canon. I'm British now. Okay.

Now, when it came out there, they didn't include ninja in the title. It was called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. Oh. I wonder because ninjas weren't as popular. I'll tell you, I think it was some racist shit. I think they were afraid. That white people wouldn't go see it. It was a fear thing. And they also took out the scene where Michelangelo uses the nunchucks, you know, when they have the little nunchuck off. Yeah, they took that out? They took it out because apparently they're afraid of nunchucks.

There was like a weird nunchuck ban or something at the time. Oh, man. England always banning our the weapons that we should be constitutionally allowed to use. Thank you. A guy. I don't know. Is that canon? Yeah, that's where we're all to a guys. What are we in the like? What's the party that they I'm double a thinking triple X.

Scott, I'm writing that down. I don't know where we're going to use it, but I'm writing it down. Let's get Peaches involved in this. Do the spunkadelic reboot. Okay, Scott. So we've watched this movie. We've sort of done a download on it, Scott. Yeah.

And I think you understand the themes of fatherhood. Oh, by the way, the one thing about the movie that suddenly it is literally the last line, I think. Yes. And I was like, oh, that's part of their thing. Yes. So I think the whole movie is the origin story for this line, by the way.

They're trying to come up with an exclamation, a positive exclamation and a celebratory one that they can all say in order to celebrate their victory. And I'll say this. This is a joke that's set up from earlier because you see them pitching jokes to each other. And sometimes they're like, that's the one. That's the right one. Michelangelo gets one. Donatello gets one. Now we're at the end. They're pitching for the like celebratory moment. Right, Scott? Right. And then.

splinter comes in and splinter has always been sort of a hard case on them you know and been like hey you know this is not the way of the ninjutsu and he comes in and he says i'm not even going to do his accent because i don't want to get canceled either but he says he says i've always preferred or i've always taken a shine to i can't recall exactly what he says cowabunga

And they all go, yeah, cowabunga. And I went, oh, that's one of their things. Yes. And then the final line is, I made a funny. Is it? I think he says, I made a funny after that one. They're all laughing. And to me, that- I was maybe laughing too hard or perhaps even just shocked with the revelation that-

we'd gone a whole movie without them saying cowabunga. Was that it? Well, I was watching. As soon as they said cowabunga, you stood up from the couch and started clapping like you were full standing ovation. So I think you might have talked over when they said, I made it funny. Was that from the cartoon, the cowabunga thing? I think the cowabunga is from the cartoon. Yes, not from the comics.

Right. So, again, another entry in my theory that this was made for people who knew the cartoon really well and who were going to be like, oh, yeah, awesome, which every comic book movie sort of has a little bit of that. I do think it's a prototype Marvel type movie. Well,

Well, when you saw the original Batman or the 1989 Batman, rather, you know, it had a ton of these things where like the bat plane flies up right in front of the moon and it looks like the bat signal. And I remember opening night at Universal CityWalk when I saw it.

Everyone just like, whoa! Because it's like the bat signal. And so a lot of these movies have that kind of stuff. Well, you got to think about it at the time, Scott. 1990, this was already the most popular cartoon series on television. And then the toys were...

were the most sold toys of 1990. Which made these guys super rich. Super rich, which is all before the movies. So in a way, there was a lot of turtles in the air before this came out. Sure. And look, I think they do a good job in these sort of shadowy, badly filmed scenes of doing backstory with little turtles that say radical. To me, you didn't... Scott, you tell me you didn't laugh when there was a little baby turtle going, radical, radical, radical. I mean...

I lost my damn mind when I saw this one. Well, the first one goes, pizza, pizza. And I thought a Little Caesars product placement was happening. Little Caesars trying to get in there with some line pitches. We only say pizza once in hours because unless Little Caesars is going to pay us, we're only going to say it once. Yeah, exactly. Well, definitely not what I expected. I was sort of hoping that number two will be a little more professionally made. And I don't know anything about number two.

I don't know about this Oprah thing. When it came up, it might have been to promote the first one. It might have been to promote number two. Well, maybe we should look that up. They all came out in like, they were like all between 1990, 1993. So it all was happening at the same time. I doubt the Turtles would have gotten on Oprah without the first one being popular. So I kind of feel like for the next one. Especially because one was sort of like a little too gritty. Like playmates didn't even make toys for the first one because they thought it was too violent. Right.

Right. So for the next one, maybe we should try to watch that Oprah thing. Yes, let's watch that Oprah thing. And I'll say for the next one, a lot of people, this is their favorite one. I won't give you any spoilers. Oh. But it's everyone's favorite one. It's a bit of a reaction to the first one. And...

I don't know. I love one, but I don't know, Scott. You might watch two and be like, okay, this was my Turtles movie. Okay, well, is there a certain person, we don't have to say who it is, but who loves number two that we should invite to be along with us? We'll figure it out. I think there might be a person who's a sort of Ninja Turtles aficionado that could walk you through why two was important.

Okay, great. Do you know anything about Two right now? I don't know anything other than I know because you said it, the title is apparently The Secret of the Ooze. The Secret of the Ooze. I don't know anything about it. I don't know if April O'Neil or Casey Jones appear in it. I don't know whether Corey Feldman continues his vocal role. I don't know anything about it. I'm going to ask you one question, Scott. It's going to be a little vague, but maybe it jogs your memory. Okay. Do you know anything about the music from Ninja Turtles 2?

I do not know. Scott, we're in for a little bit of a treat. Oh, boy. Well, there was an MC Hammer song in this, and I was like, did he do the theme to this much like he did for Adam's Family 2? No, it was the Humpty guy.

But Scott, and one other thing, the music of this movie, the scoring of this movie, I, again, I will say is so good. I know you think it's some sloppy shit. No, the scoring of the movie is amazing. And when they drop their little stings and shit, that shit is awesome. The score, they spent some money on the score, although it was the typical 80s thing of having a very militaristic score of like, which then adds a blues guitar on it going, wah!

Anytime a cool character comes on. Yeah, they did a lot of that. Or when Casey Jones hits Raphael and he's flying through the air, you hear like a...

Like it's a guitar riff to show how shitty something was. Right. But... Yeah, Scott, they're going to carry over a lot of that scoring into two. Don't tell me anything. Don't tell me anything. I'm not telling you anything. I'm just saying you're going to love it, Scott. I have a feeling once we watch two, we're going to be able to look at the script and say, hmm, all right, so we have our bare bones. How do we add the meat to this thing? Okay. All right. You know what? I don't like eating bones. I prefer eating meat, so...

Let's do it. All right. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited, too. I now know a little bit more about the turtles. If you had to ask me what I know about the turtles now, they say cowabunga. Mm-hmm. They do like pizza. Mm-hmm. They all have different color masks, which I guess...

is supposed to be a shortcut to their personality. And they have the rat guy, Splinter, is their master, who I can't remember if he's alive at the end. I think he is. He's alive. He says, that's a funny. I made a funny. And their guy, Shredder, is dead. Shredder's dead. And then all I know...

is you mentioned on an earlier show something about Krang. So I know that's a thing. I'll say, Scott, we may not get into Krang. Oh, okay. Oh, wait, no, you know what? Maybe we'll get into Krang. I don't think it's in this canon of the live action, but we'll get to Krang at a certain point. We'll get to Krang at a certain point. Okay, cool. So I was going to say Comedy Krang Krang could be another title for this as well. Oh, Comedy Krang. Let me write that down. Okay. Maybe it's Comedy Krang Krang. We have to stop talking scenes.

CMNT on CBB. I hope people enjoyed this. Those are the things I know about the Turtles now, but I'm expecting next episode for my mind to be blown. Scott, you're going to get your mind blown. There's going to be some new characters. You're going to be fully on board and maybe some returning characters like the Turtles. Maybe we'll know. Yeah, we don't know. Okay, they do come back. Okay. They do. They do. Spoiler.

Scott, thanks so much. This was so, so much fun. I'm glad we're finally being able to talk turtles. Scott, when I listen to Bang Bang next week, I don't want to hear any Ninja Turtle stuff. Okay, I'll try to stay away from it. If you steer into it, just make sure, like, okay. I'll just shut it down. I'll shut it down and say, hey, that's another show. That's another... Thank you, Scott. That's all I want. Okay. All right, Scott. Well, from Whisper Studios, I want to say to our audience, thanks for listening, and we'll catch you next time on...

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