Harris Wittels, Chelsea Peretti, Adam Scott
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After, I think, over a year of emails of me writing to Adam Scott, Chelsea Peretti, and Harris Whittles, we were trying to schedule a podcast, a sequel to our popular Farts and Procreation series. We finally found a block of time to do it.

And so we recorded it and the episode pretty typical for us getting together was really stupid, really silly. It got very dark at times, morbid, a little little boring, frankly, in one long section. But most of all, it was super fun, just really incredibly fun to be around these three people whom I adore.

And especially fun to be around Harris, with whom I had not seen a lot recently due to his new job. So a few days later, we were at a party, and Harris and I were talking, and he asked me how I thought the episode turned out. And I said, yeah, I thought it started out really funny. It got sort of diverted by this bit that we were doing where we were trying to read every email possible.

that we had sent trying to schedule the podcast. And he said, yeah, he agreed, but it was super fun. And he wanted to come back in and do more episodes. He was moving to New York soon, just getting an apartment, but he wanted to fit one in before he left. And we talked about how excited he was about the job he was moving there to do and how well everything was going in his life.

And then, as most of you know, a few days later on February 19th, he passed away. I don't feel like I am the perfect person to eulogize Harris. Far more people knew him better. His old friends from Emerson, his coworkers at Parks and Recreation, his bandmates in Don't Stop or We'll Die, his friends in his sketch and improv teams at UCB.

But last night, Kulop and I had a lot of those people over for a get-together. I personally did not feel up to it. I didn't want to do it. I'd been sitting around all day feeling depressed. I didn't want to be around people. But Kulop insisted and said it would be good to be around people.

And as the night went on, it didn't really turn out to be the somber affair that I had assumed it would be. Because being at a party where people are telling their favorite Harris stories really couldn't be. And so I woke up today feeling a lot better. Harris has been a big fan.

I'm a man of my word

I have only known him for nine years because he had probably the quickest rise to professional prominence of anyone I've ever seen in the entertainment industry. It was really annoying, actually. But he was just that good at what he did.

In the early days of this podcast, we started doing a feature called Harris's Phone Corner comprised of terrible jokes that Harris would write down on his phone, but he didn't deem them good enough to actually send them to his Twitter feed. This somehow morphed into Harris's Foam Corner. I don't really remember the details, but you can listen to previous episodes to hear how that happened.

And after he died, someone posted a compilation of all of his foam corner bits online. And at this party we had last night, almost every one of his friends came up to me and said, oh, I listened to his foam corner stuff earlier in the day. And they were quoting his favorite or their favorite jokes of his. And we sort of swapped them.

And they just wanted to tell me their favorite bits of foam that he had done on this show.

Harris during his career was primarily he was a brilliant writer, I would say, on shows like the Sarah Silverman program, Eastbound and Down, Parks and Recreation. I used to ask him for jokes for stuff. In fact, a couple of the last Between Two Ferns episodes, he very kindly jotted down a page of jokes. I posted an email on Twitter from him where.

where he just very casually sent me a couple of tossed off jokes that he had thought of at the last minute right before we filmed it. The first joke ended up being told by the president and the second joke was about pussy, which...

was a favorite topic of his. As a sketch performer and as an improviser, he definitely was so much fun to watch. He brought joy and ease and a certain affability to the stage. As a stand-up, he was picked by Sarah Silverman and Louis C.K. and Aziz Ansari to open for them throughout several years. He also coined an actual word, humblebrag, which no one I know knows

personally has ever achieved something like that, to actually invent a word that people use. And I would say that being a podcast personality and host would be the least of his professional accomplishments. But while he was here, Harris just couldn't stop being Harris, the real, hilarious, deranged guy that we all knew and loved. And

Because it's so difficult to know someone's personality from just, you know, watching something that they wrote...

These appearances on this show and Who Charted and Rona and Beverly, You Talking U2 to Me, and of course the show that we hosted together, Analyze Fish, it made the audience feel a very deep, deep connection to him. I've received hundreds of messages from people who never met Harris personally, who felt like he was their friend.

He got people, strangers, and people including me to listen to Fish and to actually enjoy it, which is an impossible task. And as one of our friends wrote to tell me, it's nice that we have these recordings that we can listen to when we miss him.

So I wasn't going to put out this episode. It gets super morbid and weirdly dark in places. I didn't know if that was appropriate. I also didn't want to seem opportunistic, like we're putting out something because we can and because people will want to hear the last podcast he ever did.

Um, mainly I was worried about, you know, if this isn't the funniest episode that Harris has ever done, why would I want to put this one out? Cause I, I, you know, I, I didn't want him to go out like that. But then I texted Chelsea Peretti and I told her, you know, I don't think I'm going to put this out. But when I told Chelsea that she was adamant

She said, I had to, had to put it out. I had to release this episode because who cares what we think about it? Every little thing Harris said was funny. And she just couldn't stand to think that we were never going to get another chance to hear him. And I spoke to more of his friends last night and a lot of them agreed. They said it would be just a treat to hear him having fun with his friends again.

And I started to realize that I think I didn't want to put it out because I really didn't want to listen to it again because I thought it would make me feel terrible. But with their encouragement, they said, listen to it and see what you think. And so I listened to it this morning and I said, you know, if it makes me laugh more than it bumps me out, then OK, I'll put it out. And it really, really made me laugh. I it really made me feel better.

Um, it was just nice to hear from him. So a few days ago, I didn't know, uh, if I wanted to even put out a show this week or put out a show next week or, you know, or even why continue, you know, why keep doing this stupid show? Yeah.

But in the conversation that we had last week at this party, Harris and I were very coincidentally talking about this very subject, just why people watch comedy, what they want when they are watching or listening to comedy, about comedy's purpose in people's lives. And I told him the story of a personal tragedy that my family had gone through recently.

Over a decade ago and the just frankly bizarre experience of two hours after it happened, all of us not knowing what to do. And instead of just staring at each other, we turned on the TV and there was a silly, stupid sitcom on and just we all laughed a lot at it.

And I just found that to be very bizarre. And it got me thinking about, you know, the definition of comic relief. And he thought about that and he said, yeah, you know, a lot of people want to do serious stuff with their comedy like, you know, Louis does with his TV show. But I just think motherfuckers want to laugh. So that's what we're going to keep doing.

Next week, we'll have a regular show. And the week after that, he would be furious if any of his friends were serious for even one second. And I can't go that far, but I can play you this tape of us acting really, really stupid.

Comedy Bang Bang

Haters gonna hate this delicious strawberry cake on the grounds that it's too lemony. But hey, what are you gonna do? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you so much to Alfredo Solis Fuentes!

for that wonderful catchphrase submission and guys last week of Feb can you believe the shortest month of the year as far as I'm concerned and this is the final Monday in Feb it's not up to you this guy waited till the second we started taping to scarf a bunch of food and drink we literally were waiting for half

an hour. And then he brings out a bagel. I didn't even think he had a bagel. It's not a bagel, bro. It's a raisin bar. Who are you? Who are you? Okay, guys, we'll introduce you in a second to each other and to the audience, all right? I do want to say hello to everyone. This is the last Monday of Feb, and we're here celebrating because this week marks the final...

wreck ever. The final wreck ever. The final PN wreck. The final PNR. The final Parks and R. The final one. And we're here celebrating and I brought three people here to the studio who have never met each other before and I wanted to introduce you to each other. Let's see. Whom should I start with? Well, I'm of course DeLorean.

Wait, are you a DeLorean or your name is DeLorean? DeLorean. You're not a talking car. No, no. You look to be in the shape of a human being. That's my female name. Okay. Your female human name? Yeah. Let me introduce you. First of all... Pontiac. Your name is Pontiac. Now, are you a horse? No. Okay. I'm a DeLorean. Okay, very good.

Over here in front of me, yes, who are you? My name is Lambo Kuntosh. Whoa, I thought you were going to say Lamborgino. Lambogina. Now, you guys have never met before, so I want to introduce you to each other. What just happened to you, HW? Dropped your old P-H-O-N-E? Dropped my dick. You dropped that dick? Wait, no.

Over here is this. Are we done? We're done. No. Yeah, this is it. Okay. I thought we were done. You mean with intros or the whole shebang? The whole show. The whole shebang bang. Yeah, I just realized. Have you said that before? We're already off to like not as good as even the last installment of this. How dare you? This is a thousand times better. Guys, this is an historic moment.

grouping of people. They have not been in the same room together for, I don't know, I would say at least two years or so. When was the last time we put out one of these? I mean, two, about over 700 Sundays ago, I would say.

Who cares? Why do you have your goddamn sunglasses on? It's a cool version. Hey, listen. Put yours on and get in the mix. Listen, listen. All right. Everything's cool, man. This is like poker. All right, we all have our sunglasses on. We can't tell what anyone is thinking, which is great for improv. We can't tell about the social cues we're giving each other. Let me explain to those of you who don't know what's happening. Probably four years ago,

A group of people converged upon the Earwolf Studios and lightning struck. What an amazing group of four people. And we had a great time. It was late in the evening. We had a great time. And then we did a couple others that were okay. Cut to smash cut to as a matter of fact, today, it's the middle of the afternoon. We're all wearing sunglasses. That's why we have sunglasses. We wouldn't be wearing these at night. It's LA, man. What's that mean?

You gotta have your shades. Very good, very good. Let me introduce these people individually, and then collectively. We have, of course, you know him as the co-executive producer and writer of Parks and Rec, and of course he plays Harris on it. Harris Whittles is here. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, you know her as a former writer on the show, and when we gathered here four years ago, she was a current writer, and then she left and skyrocketed to fame in her own right. You know her as Gina on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, but we all know her work from such classic episodes of Parks and Rec as... As DeLorean goes to campus. Chelsea Peretti is here, of course. Thank you. And, of course, yes. That's a cold room.

And of course, you know him as one of the people above the line in Parks and Rec. You know him as maybe, what do you say you were? Third build? Fourth build? What are you? No, I think it's eighth. Oh, see, now that is a shocker, right? Doesn't it seem like as your character grows? He came on late. Came on late. Came on late, guys. Who's came on late?

Is this a guy you know? Was his name late? He came on late. Came on late. Truly, were you eighth build? Were you an and Adam Scott? Or, oh, by the way, Adam Scott is here. No, I think it's the last one. I think I was the last one. Was that alphabetical? No, no. It's just I was the last one to catch. That's got to sting. Is your audition on YouTube? You know what? Is it on Vivo? I don't know.

I don't really put a lot of value in that kind of stuff. For me, it's about the work. Where can I see that audition with some pre-roll advertisements? Listen, DeLorean. I don't know what you think this is. This. Someone should make a shirt that says, I watch the ads.

I'd never press the skip ad button. Yeah, I would wear that. Would you? Why would you wear that? I don't know. It's funny. And you need a shelter from the elements. And I need a shirt. I need a shirt. Yeah, exactly. So you want someone to give you a shirt. It doesn't matter what it says. I don't have a shirt. You're in the shirt market. Is that what a shirt is? Is it a shelter from the elements? Yeah, it protects you from the wind, the sun. Protects your skin. I did see that. What did you think a shirt was for?

I thought it was for eating hamburgers. In what way? To use as a napkin or to... No, just to wear while you're eating hamburgers. Oh, like ceremonial garb. You're not wrong. Yeah. But it also is for a lot of other things. But you're supposed to take it off only when you eat hamburgers?

No, no, no. I'm saying that's part of it. This is why standardized testing is so hard. Yeah. It's like a shirt is that, but it's also other things and a description. What did you get on your SAT? I feel like you actually did pretty well. I'll tell you what. I did better in Spanish.

Really? Do you speak Spanish? I took the LSATs in Spanish. The L-E-L-SATs? LSATs. Very good. This is already, we're on a hot streak. Topping our last one, topping our last one at least. Let me introduce you collectively, the Farts and Pro crew is here. Hello guys. Welcome to the show. It's been too long. It took four years to schedule this.

Yeah, we've been trying to schedule this fourth one since the first one. How long has it been since the last one? Who cares? I'm not a fucking historian. Well, I am. Some people suck.

You definitely were not in the calendar year of last year. I think it was the summer of the year previous, 2013. So we're going on two years. So I know what you did that summer. I know what you did that summer. So wait, I know what you did that summer. I know what you did that summer. But what did you do last summer? Should we just talk about what we all did last summer? Sure, why not? I don't remember anything. I put on a spooky mask. I killed a bunch of teenagers.

Wow. The air conditioning ended right as there was a pause. It just literally took the air out of the room. Oh, man.

Guys, what is happening? First of all, you're all here. How do you feel about Parks and Rec ending? I mean, Adam, no one knew who you were before then. You had tiny little pop-up roles in Veronica Mars, and of course you were in... You were Mr. Belding. Was it Saved by the Bell? What were you in? What?

You played Mr. Belding. Yeah, so... That was pretty well known. Thank you, Chelsea. And you used to get like a handy every week on Tell Me You Love Me. That's right. You were Jack A. That's right. Jack A off on 227. Jack A-ing.

So this was a career milestone for you. And then Harris and Chelsea, I mean, you were both writers of note, perhaps, in tinier projects, but this has made your careers. How do you feel about the end of this program? Adam is crying. Adam, what's going on? I hope those are tears of joy. Well, it's hard. What is? Oh, my God. My penis. Oh!

And that makes you cry? Why are you crying about that? It hurts. It's natural. Has it been four hours or more? It makes me so happy. So they're tears of joy. It's hard. Okay. All right. How seldom do you get a hard penis? You cry. Every 20 minutes. You get a hard one every 20 minutes and you cry every 20 minutes? Is this year round or just during pilot season? Well, for me, 20 minutes is two weeks.

Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Oh, well, time's a flat circle. Oh, my God. That's true. Yeah. I think I left my... Oh, no. What's going on, Chelsea? What would you leave? Say it. Share it. No, no, no, no, no. Say it out loud. Chelsea has not stopped taking things out of bags. She has two bags. First of all, she has a bag inside her bag. She took that out. And then she has a sunglasses bag inside that bag she took out. Can you play that Erykah Badu bag lady song now? Yeah. Thank you.

Speaking of bag inside a bag, there was that baby that was born with a baby in her belly. What? What? In China, it was the 200th reported case of it. Really? So somewhat- Population out of control. That's like babies having babies literally. Total jinx. God, the doctor probably didn't know whether to slap it on the fanny or congratulate it. Or abort. Or give it an abortion. Or slap it on the fanny, then give it an abortion. Yeah.

Do you understand how small that coat hanger is? Uh,

That's not how they do it at a hospital. That's so hacky. Was the baby inside the baby? Was the tiny, tiny baby? Was that one dead? The baby inside? No. Actually, she just graduated magna cum laude. Wow. They're going to abort it with a Barbie coat hanger. I like this. I like this line of thinking. This is good. This is a rich mine. Let's stay in this. Let's live in this. Wow.

How do you feel, guys? The show's ending tomorrow. Empty. It's sad, but it's also happy because it's still good. What's still good? The show. Oh, you think so? Since Chelsea left, I don't know. How do you feel, Harris? I'm sad, but happy that everyone's enjoying it.

Yeah, he took the words right out of my mouth. Oh, Jesus. The reluctance. Why can't you guys just for once say, look. It's sad. I haven't learned how to connect with my emotions. Look, it's sadder when things are canceled prematurely. I feel like this is like when an old person dies. You're like, well, they had a good life. Like Parks, I feel like they had such a full, rich. It was canceled at the right time. It wasn't canceled. It wasn't canceled.

I mean, technically it was. No, it wasn't. They didn't want any more episodes. They chose, we chose to walk away on top. Harris is crying now. You didn't choose anything, Harris. Come on. My penis is hard. Oh, man, this is unrelated again. I'm crying. You're telling me that if they came to you guys, to Mike Schur and said, hey, you know what? We actually want more than 13. We want 22. No. And we want another season. That happened. They were like, we want...

Four more seasons. Bullshit. And Mike said, nope, walking away. Bull fucking shit. And I was in the room. It was me, Mike, Les Moonves. He's not even on NBC. He just wanted to be there. Is he like Uatu the Watcher? He's there for important events? Exactly. Okay.

And I said, Mike, we can't walk away. We got stories left to tell. Harris, you passionate writer. Yeah, and then Les was like, Dollars, baby. Come on, I want those dollars, baby. Buku Dolores. Buku Dolores. And I...

You know, I killed him. So what really happened? Wait, who did you kill? Les Moonves. He's dead? He's dead. How does Julie feel about this? I don't know who that is. Julie Chen? Oh, yeah. She has a parking spot.

Where? She does. At Radford. I will straight sit at that parking spot. So does Les Moonves. He does. He does? At CVS Radford? Oh, because it's CVS. Yeah. Well, that's fantastic. CVS Radford? The CVS on Radford Street? No, it's the studio pharmacy. A pharmacy. CVS Pharmacy, they have on...

At Laurel Canyon and Ventura, there are two CVSs right across the street from each other. Bananas! But I think, yeah, well, it's cool because if one CVS doesn't have your...

I don't know what fucking tampons. Jesus. Then you go across the street and you buy your what? Fucking maxi pads? Christ. Or if you keep getting an embarrassing disease over and over and you have to get your pills, you alternate so they think you have the clap only once or twice a year instead of like every three months. Is a clap still a thing? Measles. No, measles is the new thing. But, you know, gonorrhea is still a problem, guys. Are you guys anti-vaxxers? I don't

I don't know how I feel. I assume it's good to get vaccinated just because all the measles photos I saw. It's a real hot button issue these days. Isn't it? But I want to casually throw my hat in the ring. I'm not touching that with a 10-foot pole. Why, Harris? You love controversy. Oh, not this. This is too rich.

Harris is controversial on everything else, but now he's suddenly death mute. And dumb. That's controversial. Don't forget that. You're being ableist. I learned that from Tumblr. Yeah. So, anyway, the show's gone. Good riddance. You guys are fine with it. Oh? Yeah, you know what? Something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. Do you guys play that in the final episode? Thank you, Mom.

We just aired that music video the full 21 minutes slowed down. Although it's an hour. You're right. It's an hour. You guys have an hour finale? What do we have planned on the finale? By the way, by the time this airs, there will be a very special guest will have made an appearance. Meaning on last week's episode? Yeah. Who? Who?

Do you know who I'm talking about? You guys can just say it. If it's who I think, then you're not really at liberty to discuss. Genuine was already on. Yeah, you're right. You guys can just say it because it aired last week. All right, we'll say it. Nick Offerman. Yeah. Why are you guys being so cagey? Because it's not, you're not privy, bro. Oh, shit.

But it happened last week. You're not fucking privy. It happened last week. Get privy. I think... Get privy. Okay, it's Lenny Kravitz. Getting privy with it. Whoa! Lenny Kravitz. Really? And Katy Perry. And Left Shark. Yay! Left Shark?

Do you not know about this meme? No. Hashtags. Oh, dude. What's that? Can we stop the show? Yep. Here we go. Click. All right. What do you got, Harris? Left Shark was Katy Perry's backup dancer at the Super Bowl. Oh, right, right. And he was doing crazy stuff, like dancing all weird. So what happened? Well, Left Shark, it turned out, was a serial, convicted serial pedophile.

No. No, that's not what happened at all. I was like, I didn't hear that. You mentioned cereal and I got excited because that's my favorite podcast. That invented podcast. You know what? That got me so addicted to podcasts. Podcasts. What's your favorite cereal pedophile? Mine's Jim. Is this Foam Corner? By the way, let's hear the Foam Corner theme. Here we go. Oh, fuck. Okay.

That of course is the phone corner theme by, uh, Reggie Watts, who is concluding his run on, uh,

Comedy Bang Bang. And it was announced last week who's replacing him, Kid Cudi. We're very excited about that. That's exciting. Whoa. He's got so much... Thanks for all your tweets about that. He's got so much excitement about the new gig and a lot of enthusiasm. So I'm looking forward to him being on the show. Harris, you got some foam? Yeah. So... Okay. Okay.

You know. Oh, boy. You know. You know in the. Stick the penis. You know how like. Oh, boy. You know there's like candy and. Is this Harris's meltdown corner? I think there's candy and like mints in bathrooms sometimes. Yeah, I know that. Well, that's like.

The last place I want my open food is around all this shit. Where do they have open mints in a bathroom? In fancy... The fancier the place, the more open the mints are. No. Yeah, just like... But they're usually in wrappers. I don't give a fuck. You can wrap it in a fucking...

Jacket. That's not enough. Do you think the shit smell wafts over to the mince? Is that what you're concerned about? No, it's the literal particles. Like shit molecules. Yeah, I never eat in a bathroom. Here's another one. Coins are so worthless now that it's gone from

You can keep the change to, can you keep the change? Wow. That's like a Drabble cartoon. I enjoyed it.

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based on, like, memories? Like, I got a really good movie theater blowjob in eighth grade, and I feel like that's a— What are you doing in eighth grade that that's what you're doing? I know. That does seem young to get a blowjob. That wasn't even my first. Really? How many? That was my 97th. What? But do you think it was— From 97 different women? Yeah.

Yeah, it was the year 97, coincidentally. Wow! And ever since, I've tried to get the amount of year it is. So you've only had 15 blowjobs this year? Yeah.

Well, I'm hoping that they find out this year is only one A.D. What? I don't know what you're talking about. Because I've only gotten one. Oh. So like some sort of new calendar? You know who it's from? Who? Me. Really? You can suck your own dick? Yeah. Bro. Check it out. Bro, that's amazing. Check it out. Can I see you do that?

Oh, my God. Your dick is like a straw. You're sucking, like, jism right out of your ball sack. Finally, people talking about dicks. Yeah. Chelsea, you want to weigh in? Love them. Yep. Sometimes. They're okay, right? Sometimes. Yep. I have a question about... They're shaped like that to scoop the competitors' cum out. Historically, that is true. You have a question, Adam. Can I talk?

I have a question about your eighth grade blowjob. You said it was really good. Was it really good because you were in the eighth grade, or do you think now it would stand up to all of the blowjobs? Would it stand the test of time? Having the penis you have now, would it still be a good blowjob? I think it was really good, but yeah, you make a valid point. How old was she, by the way? She was 79.

Did you come to the movie theater together? Yes. Was it your grandma? Did you come together? Not my grandma. Yeah. Did you do anything in return? Tell the story, bro.

It was oddly like I laid down on the dirty ass floor. What? No. I swear to God. Really? Was it the front row? Wasn't it giving you flashbacks too? The writer's room at Parks. All we did was listen to Harris tell stories about himself. His blowjobs were a big hot topic. It was just nonstop. So wait, you laid down. Why did you lay down? Once again, I...

He's asking me questions. Well, who brought up the blowjob, though, to be fair? I was in foam corner. You're still in foam corner, by the way. Wait, we're all in foam corner. Oh, yeah. We're in the middle of foam corner. But tell your story. You laid down on the sticky floor and you weren't even in the front row? No, we were like third to last row. Third to last. Why did you lay down? You know what movie we're seeing? What's that? Half Baked.

That's just a fun detail. It's not that fun. Very good. And then half-baked. And how did you get it? That's an R-rated movie. And I tell you, I was half-baked. Was this in Texas? Yeah. Okay. So it's like legal. To get a blowjob in a movie theater? In Texas. Oh, okay. This was 97, mind you. Okay. But wait, I don't understand why you laid down. Why couldn't she just give you a blowjob? Because this was pre-lifting armrests.

Yeah, but she just gets in front of you. But if your penis is big enough. Like she. Oh, never mind. If your penis is big enough, bro. It was a child's penis. Well, still, in eighth grade, you have a full-sized man's penis. I used to be self-conscious about the pubes I had, so I put my dick through the hole in the boxers.

Oh my God. Before the blowjob? Why? You had too much pubes? This is therapy, right? Too much or too little? Did you have too much pubes? No, not enough. I would have loved more pubes. Then I proceeded to get way too hairy all over and I was like, those were the days.

And then did you give anything back? Did you? I think I fingered her, but at that. Oh, how generous. Yeah, but at that time, you think fingering is just like finger banging. She like throws your genitals in her mouth and you're like. Yeah, a bad job too. I didn't know about clits at the time. You were laying on your back. So she was laying on top of you? She was like. Yeah, did she remain seated? No, she was on the ground too, like on her knees kind of.

It was like perched over. Like downward dog yoga. And then for the fingering, did you get back in your seats or did you remain laying down? No, fingering was pre-

Okay, and then you go, let's take this to the floor. Yeah. So her blowjob was a thank you for the finger. I said, those are nice clothes. They'd look a lot better on the floor. With you in them. And me, also. In my clothes. With my boner sticking out of my boxers. Did she say, hey, do you want to take these off? Or did she think you were being secretive? What's funny is there were three of us there.

What? Yeah, it was me and her and then her friend. This gets worse. Where's her friend? Her friend was just like kind of sitting there. Oh my God. And if you're listening to this, because one of them is not alive anymore. Wow, Jesus. Oh God, why are you crying? This is fucked up. This is fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harris, which one died? The blowjob one.

Oh, not during. That's nice, though, that you're respecting her memory. I know this is horrible. What happened to her? I cannot. Don't go into any. Yeah, please don't go into any more specificity regarding this issue. But what about the friend? Where's she? Because she sounds down a clown. I have to go. Where are you going? Harris is like pounding the walls, crying right now. Chelsea, I'm sorry. Anyway, do you want to finish that phone corner joke?

So you're thinking about a dead... Yeah, so basically... When is it okay to... You take the change. You're right. That is why it's even more specifically fucked up because she... It was in eighth grade and she's dead. Well...

I mean, I... Is that okay to jerk off to, is my question. I don't know. No one cares. Do whatever you want. I do. I sympathize or maybe empathize with you because one of my first junior high school crushes that I sat behind, and she would wear these tank tops all the time, and this was in the eighth grade.

as well, and just a blossoming, burgeoning body. She passed away as well. Really? And is that okay? Yes. You know, you guys, and I'm not joking at all. Adam is deadly serious, by the way. I've never been more uncomfortable in a room. Please stop if you jerk off to a dead person. My first...

My first girlfriend. Yeah. Yes. Just like four days before you and I went up to Sketch Fest, I found out my very first girlfriend just died. Yes! Yes! I'm not kidding. These things happen in threes. These things happen. That's what I'm saying. These things happen. And the older we get, the more it will happen. It is so sad. So when is it okay? Like, should we let their memories live on by jerking off to them? I...

Chelsea, weigh in. We need a female perspective. I just don't jerk off to specific people. Really? Groups of people? You do it to a feeling? No, it's to imaginary situations. Not to... Imaginary people? I feel like...

I feel like guys see a girl on the subway and they're like, I'm going to jerk off to her later. Or they have an interaction and they're like, I'm going to jerk off to that later. I don't know how most girls are. I can only speak for myself. You concoct imaginary people of your own devising in alternate universes. Is this really the goal here today? Yeah.

To talk about this? It is now. I gotta say. Why does Adam have his hands folded like a creep? That is so creepy. It's like church hands. I never trust church hands. They are church hands and they're perched right above. They're not in his lap. They're right above. I am through my body language telling you I am paying attention and I am considering. I'm a safe person. I'm a safe person to share this with. That's the message. I can honestly say this was my goal today.

I'm sure. Chelsea, when you pass away, do you want people thinking about you like sexually? Like, wow, she was really – you know what? Sex with her was great. I'm going to continue thinking about that. Let me reframe the question. Okay. Here we go.

If you knew that every time you jerked off to a girl or someone that you knew, they would get an alert sent to them. Oh, or they would die. Would you still do it? They usually do get an alert from me. On Ambien. On Ambien. A text. Shout out to Ambien. So wait, anytime even like someone pops in your head accidentally and you would say, oh no, I don't want an alert sent to that person. I'm going to...

No, you can cut it short. But if you choose to proceed, they get an alert. There's like a seven second delay. Okay. So if you actually like climax, they get an alert. Once you start touching yourself, it's over. They get the alert. I don't know. I don't know. I would like... It would be a way of flirting. It's like sending a link. I think it's flattering as fuck. If I got a text that was like, this girl's masturbating to you right now, I'd be like, awesome.

Don't you think girls would be getting alerts constantly all day every day where they would turn them off? What if you hate someone and you're like, ew, get me out of your fucking disgusting sex life. I'm trying to think of the person I hate most. Still kind of cool.

Who's that? You're a mental case. Is it Adam? Nope. This is going to sound weird. Okay. Hugh Laurie. You hate him the most? Yeah. Why? Never met him. Never seen House. If he jerked off about you, it would freak you out or you would think it's cool. No, I'd be into it. No, I like Hugh Laurie. I actually have no opinion. I just pulled a random person. Don't you think much like an annoying Google alert where you're getting too many responses, women would just eventually turn it off?

In this scenario, no one has the power to disable it. That sucks that the woman has to be – It's almost harassing, right? It's not her fault. Yeah, don't you think men would then jerk off intentionally in order to send an alert like a nudge? It would be like a form of harassment.

Yeah. And is it an alert on your phone or do you just see it like Terminator, like in your eye? You see the picture of the person. And are you a cyborg in this scenario? I don't know, but I like your attitude of like, just, I'm interested. I'm interested in this technology. Yeah.

I'm just thinking about all the girls I know that would get alerts and how embarrassing it would be. Are your phones hooked up to your penis, by the way? I need to know from a girl's perspective if that's a good move because I have done that. Here's the parallel. Of course not, Harris. Here's the parallel. It's not at all? It's telling someone I had a dream about you. That's what is a real life actual situation that people do. If you go, I had a dream about you, the person is like, oh.

Okay. Although I've had that with women who I know for a fact are just not interested. I've had women go, oh, I had a dream about you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it doesn't have a – like, oh, it was scary. It was like, oh, I didn't like it. Right. That's true. Well, that's just insulting. But I feel like generally people know that it's flirtatious to say that unless you do have an open relationship with someone.

I mean like openly disinterested relationships. Right, right. Okay, so – So just if you have a crush on someone, tell them just fake it and say you had a dream about them. Fake it until you make it. So is the phone – like does it have a jack to put your penis in? How is it attached? Is it attached through Bluetooth? Do you get like a Bluetooth thing in your penis? It's all virtual. Okay.

Hate to disappoint. What does that mean? I know you want a Bluetooth attachment for your scrot. I just want like... Your scrot? Scrot? Scrot? Is that a word for it? Wouldn't it be scrote? It seems like a Shakespearean word. Like a scrot base. Well, scrot is dorks backwards and dork is a whale's penis. It's not dorks backwards. It really is. When you think about it, it is. Scrot? Scrot?

It actually is. It is. Does anyone want the rest of this? It's empty, clearly. You have just like three drops of coconut water. Sponsored.

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Making it happen. That's their slogan? Yep. Up on top. Because coconuts are up high, I guess. Yep. And the print ads are going to be me on top of a skyscraper in a suit holding two coconuts and sitting on top of a coconut tree that's on top of the skyscraper. And your scrot is hanging out. My scrot's out. And I'm saying, let's make this happen. Going all the way. Getting a blowjob from a dead girl.

Exactly. Exactly. Good. All right. Great. Well, we have to take a break. You're so disappointed. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more of whatever this is. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with the Farts and Pro crew, and we're still in phone corner. Yeah, we got to get out. Yeah, so how do we get out of this? You got to do one more. Just press that button. Talk about anything else. You got to do one more joke.

All right. You know, people are always like, if someone juggles, people are impressed by it. Sure. But it's like, I'm not because, oh, you learned to do that. And so what? Like, I could juggle if I learned how. Jesus. All right. All right.

We're out of it. All right. Very good. Chelsea. Yes. Every time you've been on the show, you have some wonderful new corrects to debut. What do we have here? Because you're a chameleon. I know. You know, people see you every week now as Gina. Right. And that's one of your corrects. Right. But there's so many more that's in your head just rattling around, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody more that just like shake your head and, you know, a couple new cracks will fall out of your ears. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll take a word. Okay. What does that mean? I'll take a word. Any suggestion? To base the character around. Just any word? Does it have to be an emotion or just a thing, an occupation? Fireman. Oh, boy. Fire marshal.

Bill? Betty. Betty. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. This is Fire Marshall Betty. Now, wait, is Marshall the name of the movie?

That's her middle name. That's her middle name. Okay. And so Fire is her first name? Yeah. So she is not a Fire Marshall? No. Okay, very good. Fire Marshall Betty. She's like Zoe Kravitz. Like her parents were kind of like hippie musicians. Very good. And her last name is Betty. Oh, so she's Tom Betty's kid? She's Tom Betty's kid. All right, well, we'll do the character. Sam Smith. Hey, man, what's up? Hey, Fire.

You are straight fire today. Well, yeah, like people always like to make fun of my name. I get it. Who's your dad? Bomb Betty. Bomb Betty? Did he do that song? Bree Ballin'? Pre-Ballin'? He did Pre-Ballin' and he later did Bree Ballin' to follow up. Oh, he did American Burl. It bums me out to always talk about my dad because it's like I'm my own entity, right?

What do you do, guys? I make music on my dad's label. What's one of your songs? Bomb Booty. Bomb Booty. I'm more hip-hop than he is, so he's all rock and roll. Can you sing Bomb Booty? Yeah. All right, how does it go? I feel like I can. All right. I mean, you know, the public is the courtroom. The ultimate arbiter. That's right. Give us a couple bars. Sure. Spit that fire, Betty. Bomb Booty.

That's like how it starts and then it goes into more of like a ballad. So it starts with just literally 15 seconds and then it goes into a ballad? It's got influences, world influences, but it's definitely not world music. It sounded a little like Paul Simon's Graceland. That's cool. Yeah. What does the ballad portion of the song sound like? Ballad!

I loved you bomb booty, but now you're gone. That was a ballad. That's definitely a ballad. So is it a breakup song?

I mean, it's everything. Like, life is everything. You have ups and you have downs. And it's like people think because my dad is Bombetti, like, that I'm just, like, out here spoiled just, like, driving my dad's car and living in the apartment he got me. What do you drive, by the way? It's his old car. Oh, okay. And also, like, who cares? So it's not his anymore. I bought it. I paid for it. Yeah. How much did you pay? A couple hundred. A couple hundred.

And what kind of car is it? It's a classic, some sort of like classic automobile. It's an Alfa Romeo. Oh my gosh. A vintage Alfa Romeo. For a couple hundred dollars? Yeah. Okay. But it was run down. Anyway, I'm working on a bunch of new stuff and like, I don't let my dad in the studio. Okay. So if he were to come to the studio, has he ever tried? I'd be like, bro, fuck off. Has he ever tried to come to the studio?

Probably. I have security. It's his label. We don't talk, really. You don't talk? What happened with you and your dad? One of his friends used to do stuff. Do stuff? Like what? Was he a serial pedophile? No, he was a musician. He made competing albums with me and my dad. Was this Bob McCartney? You know Bob? Oh, that air's back on. Thank God. Does your dad, how does he feel about Tom Petty? Furious. Furious?

He was there first, the way he sees it, but it's like, you know what? He's unreasonable, and they're like, fuck that dude. He's like an old chimp. Does he ever put on American Burl and then American Girl side by side, and he's just like, that fucking Tom Petty. This is bullshit. I mean, we could call him. Okay, let's do a good idea. Here we go. Brett, get him on the phone. Engineer Cody, Brett. Hello? Dad, you fucking dick.

Bomb. No. Who are you?

No, fire. Hey, hang up the phone real quick. I can't fucking deal. That's really sad that your dad clearly has Alzheimer's. He was calling you. Is this a phone? I told you to hang up, man. He's fucking out of it. This is why I don't deal with him. Do I eat this? Do I eat this phone? What do I do? Hey, fire. I miss you. I love you. Why'd you name me fire, you fuck face? Is this bomb? No, you're...

You're bombed. Mr. Betty? Mr. Betty? Is this Adam Scott from Parks and Recreation? Yes, it is, sir. Not anymore, Dad. I can listen. I can tell your voice anywhere. I love the show. Oh, well, thank you. Hot Tub Time Machine 2 did amazing business this last week. Oh, well, thanks for noticing. Number one at the box office this weekend. Was it? Perfect. I'm so glad that you think that. That's great. I don't have Alzheimer's about that. Number one with a bullet.

Hey, Mr. Betty, I'm just curious. We were sitting here discussing how you feel about Tom Petty. Oh, that chaps my hide.

So you don't like Tom Petty? You know what? I sometimes put my song, Bree Ballin', next to his song, Free Fallin'. Uh-huh. I buy two separate record machines. What do you call those? CD players. Yeah, CD players. I buy two of them. And I run it through. I have a speaker wire going from both of them into the same speakers. Do you know what I mean? You have a penile Bluetooth? Yeah.

I do. It was injected into my penis via syringe. That's very cool. Is this Harris? It's Harris. Hey, how do you guys know each other? What the fuck? I don't know. I've never met him. I'm just a huge fan. I installed his penile Bluetooth. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Wait, you're the guy that spit that into my pee hole? Listen, that's the only way to do it. I'm old-fashioned. Oh.

Oh, hey, how's it been? I haven't seen you in a long while. Are girls that you jerk off to getting ample texts? Fire, you giving me? Ew, hang up on him. I'm telling you, guys are fucking freaks.

Wow. Man, he sounds like an elderly man. He is, but then his voice is so youthful. It's disgusting. He has a lot of energy, it seems like. I hate him. Boy, I'm so sorry. There's a lot of sexual tension. Yeah, between you, Harris, and him. Yeah, I mean, what the fuck? Why didn't you tell me that, Harris? It's weird that you didn't mention that you're the one that implanted the penile Bluetooth in her dad. Yeah. With my mouth. Yeah, it's a little strange. A little strange. A little strange.

But that's how you have to implant the Bluetooth into penis. It's always done by the mouth, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I don't think it's that weird. I work at Radio Shack. Wait, they're going out of business. I know. That's why I started this venture. To keep them afloat. It's a company? But only one person got one installed. Your dad. But he did pay $1 trillion for it. What? Sounds like you're flush, buddy. That's like my trust. I know. But what's your overhead?

Like two trillion. We're in the hole. One trillion dollars. Wait. So four trillion, it sounds like. Yeah. Oh, okay. I don't know math. How much do you clear for implanting it with your mouth? I work on commission. The commish. Ah, commish. Cum. Michael Chickless. Chickless special. Whatever cum I get, I get to keep. Okay.

Are we in foam corners still? Wait, who's this? Chelsea. That was a great character, Chelsea. Thank you. I came out of it. I came out of it. You're out. Okay. It was getting too intense. I can't envision that world. And I don't think we're that far from that world. Yeah, you got to de-roll. What's your name? What's your name? I'm Chelsea. What city are you in?

I think it's Calabasas. Uh-oh, she's still in bomb ready. That's a terrifying glimpse. Calabasas is like right by us. Do we need to get your acting teacher in here to help you get out of character? Yeah, let's get him. He killed himself. Oh! Oh no, he's dead. We can't get him. His ghost has been haunting me for a couple seasons. Oh!

Don't come in here! Oh wait, he can just come float right through the walls, can't he? Why are you knocking? Common misconception about ghosts! Fine, open the door. Alright, open the door. Creak, slip, sit. Hello, sir. What is your name, sir?

Identify yourself. I'm Mark. Mark. Acting teacher extraordinaire? No. No? This is your acting teacher? He was. Really? Not an extraordinaire. No, just an ordinaire? Just a guy that taught acting to Chelsea. In order to prepare her for the Brooklyn Nine-Nine role? No, just he coached me for the corrects.

Oh, wow. Here on your show. I hired him just for that. Just for the corrects. Wow. Okay. So he's behind, he's the Mayan behind all of them. I'm the Mayan behind all of them. I'm Mayan. Why do you talk like the aliens in Galaxy Quest? Yeah.

Because my vocal cords, I ate, well, when we, my wife and I had our baby. Is she dead too? And the baby dead too? She's dead. Baby's dead. Baby was pregnant. Baby came out pregnant. I ate the placenta.

You sound like you ate a placenta. I boiled it. Is that what killed you? You boiled it? No, it's still in my throat. Oh. Did you choke on it? Yeah. That's how I died. You suffocated. On my baby's baby's placenta. Oh, my goodness. And you'd think it was the size of a raisin. Oh, but a raisin, you know? Raisin, you know, is better than one you don't. Raisin, Arizona, am I right? Yeah.

Like the movie. I'm doing an impression of you because you said I was bad at impressions. What is your number one tip on acting, would you say? I would say stay away from the raisins. Wait, that's just your tip? Stay away from the raisins? Meaning if you get a role in which you have to eat raisins, stay away from that role because you may choke on one? Either that or if you get cast in Raisin in the Sun, don't do it. Really? That's catapulted so many people to fame.

Yeah, and... Name T'Wan. Felicia Rashad. T'Wan? Oh, T'Wan, I'm sorry. Here, T'Wan. Puff Daddy. Was he in... Oh, yes. He was. Yeah. He wrote that poem. Yeah, and he was... His acting career took off after he was in that play. So, basically... Is the AC broken? So, no, my other tip would be...

If you're gonna go onto the stage, then make sure there's a play going on. Okay, so don't just wander onto a stage, any stage. If you're on stage and there's not a play, you're not really acting. And does it have to be a play you're cast in, or can you wander onto the stage? Wander onto any stage. Any stage and you're an actor? Yeah. Okay. All the world is a stage, as the immortal bard once said.

Who's Bart Simpson? The immortal Bart Simpson said all the world is a stage. I taught him, I taught Bart everything he knows. Really? Chelsea and Bart, my two greatest achievements. Do you think he's ever going to have a cow? Well, I mean, I think he should take his own advice. Sure. And not have one. Not have one, but do you think he will? Oh my God.

No. You don't think you will? Hell no. Wait. I got rid of the placenta. Oh, so now you speak in a different manner. Yeah. All right. We're done.

Wow. One of the more unceremonious ends. Where done is as if you were shitting and you're just like, done. Done in here. It's out. I got it out. Oh my God. I've never... Shit? Shit in my life. Is that what it's like? You've never shit in your life? I've never shit in my life. No, it's all been building up. That's not healthy, bro. It's like Elvis. Yeah. I mean, do you want to see my butt? It's entirely brown. No thanks. What? Yeah, my...

Why is the outside of your butt brown? Well, no, it's like, you know how if you fill up a Ziploc bag with shit? Of course. Yeah, sure. You would see the brown. That's exactly what... Here, let me show you my butt. Chelsea, why do you fill Ziplocs with shit constantly? It's just a play activity for my nephews.

Dude, you're not looking at my butt, bro. Whoa. Oh, God. Yeah. Get that thing out of here. It's beautiful because it's translucent, but it's disgusting. It feels like all it needs is to pop like a balloon, just a tiny prick. Yeah, it's like a spider. I can take care of that with my mouth. Okay. No, Harris, don't. We're all going to... Oh, God. And procreation. And procreation. And procreation.

Oh, that feels so much better. All right, we're done. One tiny little turd. Wait, we're not going to go through the scheduling? Oh, okay, yeah. Look, we have to take another break. I'm so sorry. We've got to clean up now. Yeah, look.

I hope you do it yourself. This is a great segment. Can we all agree this is a great segment? Do you think people will rank this one above the last one? None of these should be. We do actually manage to get worse and worse each one. Yes! That's amazing. We haven't done it in a year and a half. The truth of the matter is the first one wasn't good.

So if we're getting worse each time, that's like my point. Yeah, we're starting at zero. We're digging. We're in the negatives now. Right. All right, let's go to a break. Let's try to salvage this. When we come back, more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Chelsea, Harris, and Adam. And of course, we're having a great time. Middle of the afternoon and the end of Feb and Parks and Recreation. Of course, season finale tomorrow.

Series finale. Series finale, sorry, yeah. That was a great show, but you guys have other stuff going on, don't you? Yeah, we have our new show that we're doing. Okay. All right, well, great. So anyway, next question. Wait, what? Harris, should we tell him about it? I was kind of hoping to. Do you mind, Scott? Well, I mean, it's highly unorthodox, but I suppose I could sit here and listen to what you guys are saying. Chelsea, are you interested at all? I have to take off, but I feel like...

Well, would you mind staying put for a couple of minutes? Yeah, lend us your ear for a second. Would you? Okay. Okay. Thanks. Thank you. All right, here we go. No worries. Great. What is this show? Boy. So for the- You owe me, though, listening to one full pitch. This show is called Isis. Yeah. It's called Isis, Usis, We All Sis for Ice Chris.

Okay, ISIS, you sis, we all sis for Ice Chris. And Harris and I have, we've been workshopping this for a while. Like, we started workshopping this even before our first Farts and Pro. Oh, wow. Yeah. We were, this is something that's been long, long time. And we actually funded ISIS to have this title make sense. Yeah. Because it didn't exist prior to this. I see. Okay, well, you've done the world a great disservice.

Well, you haven't seen the show. That's true. It may counterbalance it a bit. I feel like you'll think it's all worth it in a way once you actually see the show. Okay. And the show's not about ISIS in any way. Okay. It just has it in the title. Yeah. It's about Ice Chris. Okay. Great. And Ice Chris is a boy who is very cold. Okay. And his father. Is he related to Ruth's Chris at all? Yes. His mom is Ruth's.

Okay. Very good. And growling up on a steak farm, you tend to be a certain kind of person. Yeah. When you say a steak farm, do you mean there's cows on the farm that they turn into steaks? No, no, no. No, we grow steaks. Whoa.

They're grown three – Bioengineered stakes. Three inches underground they grow stakes. Three inches. Is there any way for me to – And in the winter, four inches above. I have some sort of perspective as to how deep that would be. Oh, I'm looking at Harris' penis. Okay, I got it. Yeah, from the ground. We all have our penises up. You're looking at my penis from the ground. All right. Dude.

Chelsea? Anything? Yes! Alright, so ready? Yep. Alright. Alright. Father, father. Yes, yes, yes. The steaks are in. The steaks are in. And I'm cold. Come in, son. Sit down. I need to tell you something. Okay. Your mother, Ruth's. Yes? She's having a hard time. She feels that your work in the steak fields...

Is lacking. Father, but I picked one steak today. Son, one steak is not enough. We need three steaks per year, and you've only dug up one steak today. Let me try harder. What is my consequence? Your consequence is I am going to freeze you in a block of ice. No, I'm already cold. For 12 years.

Centuries. Father? Yes? Will you be there at the end when it thaws? No. Okay, let's cut to that. Okay. All right. Guy's sucking on his own dick in the show. Shut up. Where am I? Well, where am I? You are in the future.

It has been 12 centuries that have passed. Who are you? I am the ghost of your father. My name is Mark. The theater teacher? Yes. Great work. Thank you. Hey, man. Yes. Yes. What happens now? We're 1,200 years in the future. What? What?

Can you hear me? Yes. Let me get in a better place. Yeah. Can you hear me now? Yes, that's better. Okay.

Who is this? Ice. What is ice? Oh. Ice Chris. Oh, yes. What's up, man? Did you ever get those two other steaks? Yes. Oh, we had a very good year. Did Ruth's Chris become successful? Oh, yes. Everywhere. Even in Park City, there's a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. I ate at that. You did? I swear to God I ate there with my parents. Well, I'm your dad. You fucking idiot.

What's my consequence? For being an idiot? Yes, father. I'm going to freeze you in a block of ice. For how long? For twelve centuries. Okay. Oh, God, this one hurt. Hello. Hello. My name is Mark. Mark? Yes. I'm horny.

Yes, I figured you would be. That is why I have for you a female companion. What's her name? Her name is Fire. Fire Marshall Betty? Yes. Fire and Ice. A song of fire and ice. What's up? We cannot be together because you will melt me.

Or will you put her out? Put out her flame? We can never know. Go. Go. I waited 12 centuries. You're fucking fire. I'm ice. You gotta get the fuck out of here. Hello? Hey. Mark. Who's this? Mark. Hello? Who's what? You're asking who you are? Yes. Hey, Mark.

Do you mind coming in here and taking out the trash, please? Oh, yes. No problem. Sorry, guys. Who are you? Who am I? Yeah. What? Who are you? What? Hello. Why am I frozen for 12 centuries, then I come out of it, and I'm told I'm not wanted? What?

Who's this? If father catches us, he will freeze us for 12 more centuries. What? Great. But we must run away, but it can't be together because we'll melt. What? Who's your father?

What? Mark. What? Hello? Did you say Mark? Mark's Chris. I'm Mark. Who's this? Who's this? Who are you? What? Get out of here. Hello? Mark, come take out the trash. Stop talking to your friends. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm on my way. What? Whoever you are. Hello? My dad is very powerful. Please, freeze me again. Oh.

What? Consequence. Is that your name? Mark! I'm Consequence. The trash isn't going to take out itself. I can't find you. Where are you? Hey, hey, hey, listen. Hey. What? Stop. Mark. What? Stop. Mark, who are you? Oh.

I'm your father. Okay. Who's this guy talking to? Mark, did you have kids when I wasn't looking? Well, it was 24 centuries ago. Mark. I'm on my way. Come get the trash for me. That's what I'm trying to do. I can't make dinner and take out the trash. I understand.

Where are you? I can't do everything. I'm in the house. I can't do everything around here. Which floor? I'm on the third floor. I'm on the 28th floor. Take the elevator up here. Fucking hell.

There we go. I didn't want to buy such a big house. You're the one who wanted to buy the big house. Okay, I'm in the elevator. I'm pressing 27. I'll be up in a second. Hurry it up. Yes. What? What? Who are you? I'm on the 27th floor. You're nowhere near. I don't see you. I'm sorry. I meant the third floor. Fuck. Establish your character. What? Who?

Who are you? I am Mark, your father. He's Mark. He's Mark. He told you. You're nailed down, bro. We got you. Who's your companion? This is my longtime companion. Long time. Are you gay lovers? What? What? Are you gay lovers? Who is this?

Fire! That's it. I'm freezing you motherfuckers. Oh. What? Fire, it's just us now. Freeze me. It's just me. I'm gonna implant a Bluetooth into my dick. What? I am dying in such a sweet way. Sucking me beautiful.

Sucking me beautiful. And scene. Wow. Powerful. Sucking me beautiful. We always end on that line. That line was written for the finale. Sucking me beautiful. Wait, so this is the final episode that we just saw? This was the final episode. How many episodes will precede this one? How many did we do?

It's crazy how your life story was about blowjobs and then your story story, your art imitated life and was also in a way. It's all I know. It is all I know. Amazing, amazing stuff. Well, good luck with that. Yeah. I know this is your show. Yeah.

Should we close out with reading our scheduling? Close out? First of all, I don't want to read our scheduling on the air. It'll be so funny, I think. Yeah, I think we should read it. We'll leave out any controversial elements. What do you mean, controversial elements? I don't know.

Okay. You want to read, meaning our emails back and forth? Yeah. They're not interesting. They are. It is. I want the people to know how fucking difficult it was. It's so funny how hard we worked to make this show happen. And for what? How long did it take? We've been trying to do this for a year and a half. Let me look in my, I'm going to search Aukerman up in here. It's fairly recent when we. Chelsea, I'm in love with you. Oh, wait. I guess I shouldn't read all of that.

Look, I like a fine piece. Sure. Kulop's got the titties, but you... You got the snality. The snality. All right, where is it? All right, I found it. Here we go. Oh, God. All right. Okay. This is not the end, by the way. Everyone read...

Their part. All I have is the one that Chelsea started yesterday. We should read other people's parts. There's so many of these. Like on 8-20-2014, you said, so should I just tell myself to fuck off with four question marks? Because I sent out an email to all of you and no one responded. I'm reading from January 22nd, which was...

About a month ago. Yeah, about a month ago. About a boy as well. I'm not finding anything. Go to Aukerman. Search Aukerman. All right. Boy.

I have, yeah, I have 122 is when this one came out. And Harris said, first to respond, I vote yes. Who do we want? I'll play Harris. No, you should play yourselves. It's not confusing to the listener. No, I'll play Harris. No, play yourself. Wait, wait, wait. Which thread are you in? There's so many. The first one I have is 2215. No, no, there's way before that.

I don't have anything before that. All right, just share mine. Okay, okay. Okay, wait, what one are you guys in? I truly feel like we should each read ourselves. Yeah. Okay, all right, fine. Our parts. Yes. Okay, so I say, guys, demand is high. Should we do a podcast before I go back into production at the end of Feb? First to respond, I vote yes. I write, of course. Fuck yeah, cunts. Whoa, take it down a notch, bro.

This is Adam. No, it's you. It is? It says, well, fantastic. I'm not getting my own. Well, fantastic. When? Night? I'm free whenever. I'm OOT. Out of town. Till February 1st. My pitch is that we do it Feb 2 through 5. I'll do it any time. What's your availability that week? Free after 7 on Monday and Tuesday of that week. I live in Iceland.

Chelsea putting a screeching halt on the discussion. I think we should read all our scheduling emails on the pod. I don't know. I just don't know my schedule in this much advance. Oh, boy. Is it me? Let's do it Monday or Tuesday night. Chels, when will you know? Then you.

This is terrible. Why are we doing this? Well, we should have had it printed. You're the one who wanted to do it. That month is Groundhog Day. I thought you had like producing staff or something. That month is Groundhog Day. Do something I didn't want to do? So you never said you didn't want to do it. What? Can we...

Pause. Like, why are you so adverse to revisiting emails? Yeah, it would be so funny. Like, what happened to you? It would be so funny. I thought it was... Because we've done it for two minutes and it's been awful. No, I live in Iceland. Not until you said it was awful. It was amazing. If I could get to, like, be a fly on the wall for four people I don't know's email conversation, I'd be so into that. Yeah, it's like the Sony hack. Yeah, this is like a Sony hack. Listen, I think we should publish...

In McSweeney's. On Tumblr. Yeah, Tumblr McSweeney's. What's the mail app you're using? Because it looks cooler than mine. Oh, this is just... Oh my God. This is just... I don't know. I apologize. I can't believe you're saying that. I feel like this would be right up your alley.

I don't know. I mean, it's just my Gmail came with the phone. It's not up your alley at all. I just feel like this alley is like boredom alley and we're just on a freight train. But we were only like halfway through. All right, let's play one of your dumb fucking games. I'll start. Hey, would you rather fucking eat a dog with chopsticks or read a fucking awesome email chain?

Yeah, read an email chain. Hey, let's do Riddle Me This. Hey, what's an email chain and is fun to read? Are you a fan? This one. You listen to the show? That's so nice of you. Thank you so much.

Wow, I didn't know that you listened to every single one of them. That's really flattering. I appreciate it. Thank you, Harris. I love the show. It's very, very flattering. I'm a huge fan. I know, and it's very flattering. And I think that you talking U2 to me is awesome. Yeah, and U2 is your favorite band now. Yes. It's because you have Gmail. That's why you have a different application. Who the fuck doesn't have Gmail? What are you using? Seriously, what day is it?

You what? Am I supposed to just give out my email address? Yes, I'll do it. Would you be mad? Sure. Go ahead. Give out my email address and right after I'll give out yours. I'll give out mine. I'll tell you what. Do it. Wait, this is actually something I do think is funny. If you have friends in show business, when they say they're going somewhere to tweet where they're going.

Like Aziz was trying to like shoot. What do you call that? Angle in on my dinner reservation with my boyfriend. I was like, we're going here. And he's like, oh, that sounds good. I'm going to go there too. And then he brought a group of people there. And I was like, yeah. And so we're on our date. And then there's this whole group of people that I know at the same time at the same restaurant. And so I was like, I'm going to tweet that you're going to be there. And I wish I did it. I should have done it. Yeah, I should have done it. But that is such a good power play.

For the rich and famous. But seriously, Adam, if you give out your email address, I'll give out mine. Okay. Okay. Do it. Yeah. Let me just see what it is. HarrisWhittles at gmail.com. You've said that before. Pretty obvious. It's the obvious move. Did you get random emails when you did that? Well, remember, I was like, that's my email address. Send dick pics.

And I got so many dick pics. Did you really? Yeah. Oh, God. I still get like one every few weeks. Really? Why do you do it? No, I said all pic. I said tits or dicks. Did you get any tits? Not one tit. You got to be Doug Benson for that side boob, baby. Yeah, I know. I get like a thousand. What do you guys think about side boob? Ladies, send your boobies to harriswhittles at gmail.com.

Okay. And gentlemen, got to keep it fair. Send your dicks. That's true. Look, hey, if you're asking for boob pics, you got to ask for dick pics. I just want nut pics. Yeah. Also, I'm taking writer submissions. For what? Pictures of nuts. To write scheduling emails. Okay. Yeah.

That email chain, I swear to God, I didn't realize it was on us to print it, but I would have because I believe in it that much. Just pull it up on your own thing. It gets really funny. It is really funny. I believe in it. Do you want to go back to it? Yeah, let's finish it. I go to bat for things I believe in. All right, well, this is where we left off. If only you could bring it up and I don't have to pass my phone over. But I don't know where it is. Yeah, that's my point. But that's why I didn't realize I should have printed it all out. I didn't know that. You should have come prepared.

No one wanted to print it out. You just said let's read it, implying – okay. So you know what comes after this? Sort of. All right. So start with that Groundhog Day. Start with this. Okay. That mun is Groundhog Day so we could talk about one of my fave movies. I usually get my schedule the Sunday before the week it starts.

I'm an idiot. I don't want to read this. Well, you have to. You're the one who wanted to do this bit. You're the one who wanted to do the bit. What is it? You have to read it. All right. Everyone has to read every word of their emails. All right. Oh, my God. I'm an idiot. And actually, Tuesday would work better for me. I have a Tonight Show showcase Monday to host it. Did you get it? Sorry, Jimmy boy. Well, I'm here, aren't I?

And I say, so how's this looking for tomorrow night? I'm still good with it. I can't do it tomorrow. Sorry, girls. See, that's funny. I go, I can tomorrow night. I'm off next week, so could prob at some point. And then? And then. But we really, really should read the entire scheduling thread on the pod. How about a week from tonight, next Wednesday? Okay.

I'm good for next Wednesday. Feeling pressure to be funny here since we are reading these publicly now. I'll start on the next one. Well, here's something funny. How far can a fox run into the woods? Only halfway, then he's running out of it. Can we do afternoon or morning instead of night? I hate the way Scott looks at night. Well, what's everyone's schedule next Wednesday? Harris, you always have to do it at night, right? That's what he said.

Adam, you have to read that on air now and it'll be on the internet forever. I could probably get out of the room Wednesday if need be. What room? Your bathroom? That's fucked up. You know I don't have a bathroom. That's what he said. Oh, wait, no, I say something, right? She says, so everyone's going to show off now? I acknowledged that that was my plan.

You say. Could we do either 10 a.m. or 4 or 5 p.m.? I could do 10. I have an 11.30 hair appointment on the west side Wednesday a.m. New colorist. I'm excited to try. Then how about four so Chels can come with blonde hair? I'm in. Blondes have more fun. J.K. Okay.

Sorry, I forgot to include a joke, but hoping the endlessness of the scheduling is enough of a running thing that it will still read. You missed one. You missed this one. Not to be a blonde asshole, but my nephews are in town visiting, and if I do hair and pod, that's a full day I can't hang with them. Adam, can't we do after kids' bedtimes or too late? I'm glad we went back to read that. Then I say, sorry, I forgot a joke, but hoping the endlessness of the scheduling is enough of a running thing that it will still read.

Since my schedule is the hardest, let me offer the only times I'm free. Tonight, 5, 6, or 7. Monday, 7 or 8. Tuesday, 7 or 8. Wednesday, 10, 11. Noon, 4, 5. Thursday, 3. Friday, 7 or 8. Saturday, 10 or 11. Whoops. Then it's whoops, nicks, those Friday and Saturday dates. Whoa, whoa. Let's not make this a pissing match about who's schedule is the hardest.

I can do Monday 7 or 8, Tuesday 7 or 8, Wednesday 10, 11, noon 4, 5, Thursday 3. I can only do Wednesday 11, 12, 4, or 5 because of promotional duties for my new film Hot Tub Time Machine 2 opening everywhere February 20th. February 20th is my birthday. My sister's birthday as well. This is epic.

Yes, I know. Happy birthday to your sister, Harris, and also to you, Chelsea. May God's green earth shine upon you in your time of need. So Wednesday, 4 p.m.? That's Chelsea. You jumped on my line. Scott, go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, thank God. I was so close to never speaking to any of you again.

You left out part of that. What? A swear word. A swear word. That's right. No, I didn't. What do you mean? You left out a swear word. No, I did not. You said, I'm so close to never speaking to any of you. What? Well, you said, you called us something. No, I didn't. Okay, go ahead, Chelsea. You're next. Okay, then I go, Adam, do your balls inflate at any point in the movie?

Yes, and that is why there is awards buzz. And that's the end. No, I thought it went... Yeah, there's more. Well, Chelsea started a new thread. Chelsea started a new thread, which is... That was pretty good. I thought that was a success. I'm glad we did it. I am glad. I'm glad we did it. I think it shows a little flavor, a little...

Sure. It's like you wouldn't want to eat steak with no salt or steak sauce, right? A1 steak sauce. You wouldn't eat a steak without A1 steak sauce. It's the best. Would you? Can I get an update on two people?

Yeah. People are dying to know about two guys that we talked about on the first one. Who? Jaxa Jr. and Brian Peaces. Oh, well, we can't get into that now. We can't get into that? They're, from what I've heard, they're fine. I mean, they're getting by. They're getting by? What does that mean? They're getting by. Well, these guys are brothers? No. These guys are dating sisters. What is it? Yeah, they're dating each other's sisters. Oh.

They're kissing cousins. Right. So their life's never been easy for Brian and the other one. Jack. Jack. But they're getting by. They're getting by. Yeah. Are you sure we can't hear a little bit, a glimpse into their lives? Yeah. Can't. One line a person. All right. Ready? All right. All right. Here we go. And we shall start it with the traditional. Creek, slam, sip. Hey. Hey. That's it. All right.

That was it. There's got to be more. Chelsea called it. Guys, I think that's just about it. I think so. I effectively feel how I feel at the end of every one of these. Yeah, same. So I think we did our job. I think this is the worst one. As a matter of fact- I think the scheduling could have gone longer. I'll be the first to say it. I think we could have read all the scheduling as one podcast and it would have been really funny. We should have-

compiled all the scheduling attempts from Scott over the last two years. I've been tenacious. That would have been amazing. Listen, the listeners can judge. Like, if they think it was compelling in any way, maybe we could put that together. You get one of your interns. But I would not call this Farts and Procreation 4. What? It is. I think it's like not Farts and Procreation 4. Yeah, maybe. Oh!

That would be just too much of a ratings grab. Now, see, this seems like something where you're like, wait a minute. They're trying to distance themselves. I'm trying to get picked by Onion's Podmas as the best this week. And I think that they want...

Farts and Pro 4. I don't think they want. I think that keeps us in the big leagues. Did they ever like any of them? Probably not. I don't even know. Did they? They fucking eat that shit up, those nerds. No, they don't. I feel like Scott might not even release this one. He can't even make eye contact as we walk out. He's like, that's going straight in the shitter. Hey, I release everything.

That's what she said. That's what he said. Adam, no! No! Sorry. He didn't say that. I'm sorry. He did not say that. You take that back. I really do have to say that I was there and he did say that. He said it. See? You see? You bear witness to that? You see? You see? Adam, I'm sorry.

I apologize when I said that he didn't say that. Who's the best stand-up right now? Harris. No probs, bro. Harris, are you still doing stand-up? Yeah. But honestly, who I think the best is right now, I think there's a lot of good talent. I think this is like another- A renaissance. A renaissance. I do too. Golden age of stand-up. I do too.

But not just stand-up. Comedy in general. Comedy in general. Guys, get out there to those clubs. Hey, straight up. I watched Dumb and Dumber 2 at this hotel recently. Yeah. Had two huge laughs. Yeah. What was the first one? One where I was almost in tears. One involved a cat. When they pulled the catheter. Oh. Butthole? Yeah. The feathers. The feathers.

Okay, that was one. That was like a good laugh. Now, when I got like crazed. Yeah, what was the craze? We gotta go. All right, fine. We gotta do plugs, though. I gotta say that in a conversation about the renaissance of comedy that you led with Dumb and Dumber 2 Well, there's a whole logic to it. We can talk about it. All right, let's go. Let's do it. We gotta do plugs. Here we go. Dick is back in his pants. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug,

We have series finale of Parks and Rec tomorrow, correct? Yes. Correct or no? The series finale. Correct. Yes. The series finale. One hour series finale at 8 o'clock. Serious finale. And do you die at the end? What happens at the end? Just spoil it for us. Do you... Are you... There's just lasers.

This is all lasers. Is there a big park at the end? And do people congregate in it and have recreation in it? And Amy looks at the camera. Do you hook up with red ass? Why don't you just turn it on and watch it? Uh-huh. Why don't I turn on the boob tube and turn off my brain? Turn on the idiot box. Tune out. You know what I mean? I do know.

Does she like turn to the camera and go, parks and recreation, I could get used to this. And then unzip her pants? Yep. And then zip them right back up? Yep. That's all I need to know. She just unzipped them again. That was cool. And what happens to your character? You're running for office. What happens? I get assassinated. Good.

Like a Reagan situation with like a crazed fan of... A Raygun situation. A Raygun. Oh, the lasers. They just set three years in the future. What did you guys think of that? I get shot with a laser gun. Ronald Raygun kills him with a Raygun. Wow, that's amazing. Well... That's like Scott... Man, see? That's like Scott... Banzo. Scott lyrics.

Do you have anything else to plug, anyone? Chelsea? Yes, I'm going to be playing a character on your show. Yes. When does that air? 2007? I believe I can tell you actually right now. I can tell you the date. I'm excited for it. I can tell you the date to a T. Did you cut it down a lot? Because I was really- I'm currently, I'm actually currently doing it. I'm in the middle of it. Oh, you look a little guilty. Ooh.

You cutting it down a lot? I'm trying to extend it. May 1. May 1. May 1. May 1, guys. Let's see what he did with it. You know, you really made me break my one cameo a season appearance on your show. Meaning the third season you didn't do a cameo?

Did I not? No, you didn't. I made you break it? Oh, wait. Yeah, you didn't do one. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. So look for me, not Harris. May 1. Meaning I didn't have you on. You didn't cast me, yeah. Okay, you didn't break your... Do you want to be on the show some more? Of course he does. Yeah, I'm a fucking limelight whore. What do you want to do? I want to plug my... Pitch me some ideas. First, I want to plug my email address, harriswoodles at gmail.com.

And then I would like to come back as Bookie's replacement. But Bookie's left the show.

I know. So that makes all the more sense that his replacement would have to be there. But his replacement, his 10th. In every episode. Okay, I don't know. I'm going to replace. Adam is taking. No, what do you have to plug? You have anything to plug? No, you just did. Oh, I'm replacing Jon Stewart. Sorry. Oh, okay. Okay. You should have led with that. I know. All right. I want to plug this Friday, the CBB television show. We have Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Seth Morris. Woo!

on the couch. Oh, shit. Buku bucks. And Beth Dover is in the episode this Friday. Oh, I love Beth. Hi, Beth. This is great. This is a very special episode. Friday, 11 p.m. on IFC, 10 Central, and every Friday after that. Let's close up the old plug bag. Do you have anything to talk about?

I just hugged it. Don't take off your headphones. That is a good song. That is a good song. That is a good song. That song's okay. Oh my God. Adam! Everything just takes so long.

Adam's having a meltdown. This is what happens to me. I didn't want to read the email thread. You are one of the biggest advocates for it. That's true. Literally bouncing in your chair. That's true. You're literally bouncing. I have to attend one. We all have to go. Adam, you have to stick around and do ads with me, too. No, I do not. You son of a bitch.

Thank you for having us, Scott. We'll be back for Farts in Pro 5 very, very soon. Or how about Not Farts in Procreation 4 2? How about Farts in Scheduling? Okay. The scheduling app. I'll call it that, the scheduling. So is this going to be called Not Farts in Pro 4? No, this is a Farts in Pro. It's a textbook. No, this is called Not in capital N, capital O, capital T, Farts in Procreation 4.

That's what it should be. And then the sequel to this will be not Farts and Procreation 4 too. Not necessarily the news. And on that, guys, what a magical episode this was. You had me at on that, guys. On that, guys, what?

But... Guys, please promise you'll come back sooner rather than later. I hope to. I hope to. Anytime you need, like, if you have a cancellation or whatever, just call me. I live in the Palisades. We'll do. We'll do. Oh, my God. All right. We'll see you guys next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Okay, here we go. Creak. One time I said to a guy that I loved learning new things. I was like, I'm a bit of an info mania.

And he thought I said ninfomaniac. And so he fucked me. And I said, no, no, no, no. I like info. I'm an infomaniac. He said, well, here's some info. You just got fucked. Clean yourself up.

Now, come on, guys. You know I do watch the show. I'm having a little bit of fun with you. You had me at come on, guys. Did you guys hear about that new deal where if you go in on it with a cast member from that 70s show, you get a discount on mustard and or salad toppings? It's a Laura Prepon Grey Poupon Crouton Groupon. Slam. Slam.

I've decided that I'm not gonna get married until gay people can get married. 'Cause I'm gay. Does anyone genuinely know why, like, at a grocery store they offer a cashback option? Is that just to be nice? Cashback? How does that work again? You know, you just like, you buy food and they go, "Would you like cash?" And then that's like the bank offering you zucchinis.

Sit. Hey, great ep of that. That was like, that reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys. Good eps. Wow. I think that instead of them trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper. Instead of trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper.

Shouldn't this segment be called Harris' Twitter Drafts? Well, it's just like the movie Synecdoche, New York. Too many characters. That is the best joke I've ever heard. I've said I've said it before and I'll say it again before, but I'll say I've said it before and I'll say it again again. Clever.

I want to open a Jamaican, Irish, Spanish, small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Tapas the Morning to Jah. Oh. I hate smoking sections. Unless we're talking about the movie The Mask with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part. Where there's a will, there's a wayans.

That's something. And... Oh my god! You know how everyone says that you should... If you're gonna get a dog, adopt it. All fucking dogs are adopted. No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you're Mrs. Brodus. Snoop's mom. I think...

I love all of our sub-podcasts. Who's all of our sub-podcasts? He's a conspiracy filmmaker. I'm not gay, but my asshole is. Wheat thins? Call me when their wheat thics. Give me that wheat! If someone is being egregious, call them egregious Philbin. Why-fi, because-fi...

Did I tell you I went window shopping in New York last week? You did tell me that, yeah. I bought a window. Really interesting operation you got going there down at Carl's. Also, we opened a sister store. It's Carl's Jr. It is. And what do you sell there? Lumber. Oh, okay. It's just called Carl's Jr. Burgers. It is called that. It's called Carl's Jr. Sandburgers. Jack, are you okay?

Finish strong. What do you got? I can't. I truly can't. I'll finish strong. Hey, Brussels sprouts and broccolini, enjoy your 15 minutes. This is a very unusual Harry Hood jam. I'm enjoying myself. That's because of this jam. It's good. It's funky. It's good.

Hey, it's Harris calling from heaven. It's pretty great up here. It's beautiful, for starters. Hitler's up here, however, for the vegetarianism thing. So calling bullshit on that. But other than that, it's pretty great. It is very cloudy. And you sit on them. So that's cool. Oh, gotta go. Ice cream buffet. Okay.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. Earwolf Radio Boom.com The wolf dead.

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