Holiday Spectacular 2024 w/ Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Lily Sullivan, Shaun Diston, Vic Michaelis, Dan Lippert, Jessica McKenna, Will Hines, Gil Ozeri
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What if I land two if I see gas station taco, my booty hole leaks. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to John Leguizarm, though. Slant rhyme, but worth it. Hey, Shimmy. Hey, what's up, guys? Happy holidays, Shimmy. Happy holidays. What a delight. Yeah, you've been entrapped in here for so long. What are you talking about? What holiday? Talking about Christmas. Talking about Christmas. Thanksgiving. It's just been Halloween. What? Oh, yeah, there's candy. Christmas candy, even. Yeah, no, it's Christmas next week. I fell asleep. Yeah.

You fell asleep? Wait, like a Rip Van Winkle kind of situation? Yes, but not as long. For how long did you fall asleep? One month. One month? Yeah. So wait, so you were there for Halloween. You were there for... Loved it. Had a great time. What did you dress as? Was it Tryptophan? Sorry. You have time for two more. Hold on, hold on. What did you ask? I asked what did you dress as for Halloween, if you did. I dressed as the Noid.

From Domino's? From Domino's Pizza commercials? Wow. How did you construct the costume? Oh, man. Not from Press Your Luck. Not the... Was it the Noid from Press Your Luck? I mean, there definitely were little things in there. A whammy? No whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Oh, yeah. There wasn't a Noid, huh? Do you remember that dragon on Tic-Tac-Dough? Yes. Everyone smiled and hit that dragon. Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr!

Four pixels coming right at you. So back to my question. Did you fall asleep at Thanksgiving due to the tryptophan and you just woke up? I guess I must have. Wow. I'm so sorry. Well, yeah. I did also get hit by a car. Oh, no. So this is a coma we're talking about. Yeah, I fell asleep in the hospital. Oh, no. For about a month. You didn't go to sleep in the hospital. You woke up in the hospital.

Wow. Wait, so you got hit by a car in the hospital? Yeah. What is a car doing in there? I don't know. That should be the safest place for you. They never told me. They never told you? You have a right to know. I know. I was doing my rounds. Wait, are you a doctor? No, no. I'm a candy strapper. Okay. We don't know anything about you, Shimmy. I know. Shimmy's got to go. Oh, damn it. Because he just revealed that was a car.

Great. Huge reveal for the holiday. I didn't even know he still had candy stripers. Yeah. Amazing. Um, uh, welcome to the show. Uh, my name is Scott Aukerman. This is our special ho ho holiday episode for 2024. Wow. And let me, uh, let me introduce this person to my right. He is of course the Hainong man. You'd know him from such movies as, uh,

I want to say, what was the one with Mark Wahlberg? It was like Flight. It was Flight with Mark Wahlberg. Yep. So if you want to watch me and Mark Wahlberg. Just look up Flight. Just look up Flight and watch it. It's a fantasy movie about people who are immortal and fight between good and evil. And it's called Flight. Fight or Flight. Fight or Flight. Yeah. Because that's the thing. With superheroes, you can either punch someone or you can fly away. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fight or Flight is the Denzel Mark Wahlberg movie where they collapse and they fight each other.

Yeah.

but please welcome him. Jason. Hey, non man. Zookas. Hey, wow. Wow. Wow. Look at us. Look at us. Two grown adult men. Just two middle-aged men in the middle of the day. Talking on my, I hope I'm middle-aged. Oh, I hope so too. For both of us. Yeah. I hope I'm not at the tail end of the time I have left on this earth. Ooh, just the tag. Yeah. No more acts left. Just the tag. My cold open was amazing. Oh, really good. It was great. Uh,

Opening credits were good. Oh, yeah. Your theme song, Dynamite. Incredible. And then Act 1. Act 2. Act 2? Okay. 3, not so good. 4, better. Okay. How many acts in your... I don't know. I would love to have at least 12 acts. Oh, wow. A 12-act structure. The classic Hollywood 12-act structure. Now, the Bible only has two acts. Oh, thank you, Robert McKee.

What about Acts of the Apostles? Hey, Shimmy's back. Know your scripture. He's gone again. He left a Bible, though. He left a Bible on the table. I'm opening it up. Wait, it's not a real Bible. It's got a bottle of whiskey inside. Oh, wow. Thank you, Shimmy. Crack it open. Open up. Oh, it's carbonated whiskey. I love that.

Amazing. I saw you panic when you were like, well, a whiskey bottle doesn't make a sound when it opens. What if they just go like...

Yep. Something like that. Yeah. You're doing so much good Foley work. So much good. Almost as much as Dave Foley did in news radio. Oh, so good. That's the quintessence of Foley work. Exactly. Jason, so good to have you back. Scott, I'm so happy to be here. It's time to gather loved ones. Your house is decorated beautifully. Thank you so much. It's time to gather loved ones around us and hold them tight and close to our breast.

And you are chief among them. A good friend to me, a good friend to the show, a good friend to others, I would imagine. I would hope. I really only care about me and the show. Yes. And those those are my priorities as well. Everybody else can get fucked as far as I'm concerned, especially during this the holiday. Yes. Get fucked this holiday season. I'm sending out my my Merry Christmas cards to you and to the show and my get fucked cards to everyone else.

Of course, you can buy currently our Threedom Christmas cards that say go to hell on the inside. Is that right? I love that. Based on a Lauren Lapkus story from her youth. Perfect. But Jason, what are your holiday traditions? Go. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, you know, my holiday traditions are I mostly just go home and see my family. I don't have a lot of holiday traditions. They don't come to you. They will not come to me. Really? They will not come to me. They refuse. Hmm.

They refuse. But I go to them happily. Massachusetts, Maine. Beautiful. It's winter. We do trees. We do sledding. We do stuff if we want. Stuff if you want? Wow. It's snowy. It's beautiful. It's winter. Come on. Come on. It's wonderful. It's beautiful. You ever break your leg or neck or anything? I have broken my leg. Yes. Playing soccer, though. Playing soccer, really? So you kicked the ball so hard. I, in fact, kicked another player's leg so hard.

We both missed the ball. So that leg did not break. That's like a super leg. His leg. Well, you know, his I was I was not wearing my shin guards is what I need to tell you. I was not wearing my shin guards. And when our legs met, you remember the old Joe Theismann video? Yes, that's what my favorite video. That's what my leg did as well. My leg went like blue. I wish MTV played that.

Instead of like Culture Club and Billy Idol and stuff. Oh, at the time? Yes. Okay, you wish music videos then were just cut to the Joe Theismann injury? Just play that video over and over, things like it. How much MTV are you watching now? Oh, only maybe, I've slimmed down, maybe nine hours a day. You look great. Yeah, thank you so much. With less MTV in your diet, you look great. But, so you kicked this gentleman out.

Well, we were both kicking for the same ball. We both missed. Our legs connected and mine shattered. Wow. Yeah. No good. Bad. I was in bed for like six months. You were in bed for six months. That's a dream. Because, yeah, it was in high school, in my parents' house. Yes, it was a dream. I would love that now. Oh, really? I would love to go back to high school, break my leg, and then go stay at your parents' house. Okay. By the way, they would love that.

Would they really? Do they even know who I am? Yes. Oh, absolutely. Do they really? Yes. Yeah. They know Comedy Bang Bang. They know who you are. They ask after you. Love to meet them someday. Oh, yes. What about me? Yes, Shimi. Oh, yeah. Your mom and dad know about me? My mom always is. My dad will be like, how is Scott? And my mom will be like, what's going on with Shimi these days? Oh, man. Moms love me. Yeah. And she actually just texted me a couple of days ago and said, I'm a little nervous. I haven't heard from Shimi in a month. Oh, tell her I got hit by a

car i will i'll let her know yeah moms love you you're kind of a dilf if you don't mind me saying i mean do you have kids thank you jimmy do you have kids not that i know of anymore anymore gotta go that's a real that's a sad twist on that clever retort anymore i don't like i didn't know of them then but i think they might be gone now oh jesus

Well, it's wonderful to have you, Jason. I couldn't be happier to be here. Do you have traditions? Well, you know. Are you building new traditions? We're building new ones. You know, the old ones kind of fade away and the new ones start to take precedence. Wow. Okay, Bruce Springsteen voice. Hey there, guys.

No, yeah, we have the fun cellophane paper ball with prizes in there that you have to unwrap. You've got to come by one of these days. I'd love to unwrap a cellophane paper ball. Yeah. I'd love it. I love prizes. I love things that have prizes in them. I know. I mean, I got to admit, I won maybe $4 on some lotto scratchers in there. I love that. And then there's a Starbucks card from last year. Still have not used them. They're sitting there on my desk. We used to do a...

a yankee swap you know my family with all the aunts and uncles and all the correct these days to call it a yankee swap uh it's a great question i don't know why no you don't think so what should i call it an american swap i'm not sure if that's even really holding up these days an un-american swap sure yeah well i don't know an american swamp hey yeah oh dear

Oh, dear. Oh, God. Jason, wonderful to have you. Oh, boy. Wait, why am I being, hello, why are these security guards escorting me out? Bye, Jason!

Well, we need to get to our first guest, Jason. Yes, you're, of course, not a guest. You're a family co-host. Yeah, I meant family. What if what if in the Fast and Furious? When I'm here, I'm family. Yeah. What if in the Fast and Furious, like Dom was like, we're all family. They're like, no, we're co-hosts. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if in the next Fast and Furious, they have a podcast.

They should. They should have a Fast and Furious recap podcast. Well, I don't want to. And Corona should sponsor it because Coronas are in all. The virus? Yep. Yep. The Corona. The novel. The novel? What? The novel coronavirus.

Oh, man. I'm tired. By the way, Jason, I did want to say to people that... Go slower. Please, go slower. I was just looking at... I was checking my facts. This is a fact-checked podcast. F-f-f-f-f-fact-checked. That's right. No Pinocchios on this podcast. No Pinokes? No Pinokes. But I did want to say, and don't spoil it necessarily, but...

fans of Spider-Man will want to look at tomorrow's issue of Astonishing Spider-Man. Oh, tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow's issue. Excellent. Oh, I'm very excited. All right. Let's get to our first guest. I love it. Let's get to our first guest. We spoke to him out there on the road.

When we were being road dogs. I forget what city it was. It feels like North Carolina to me. It was Brooklyn, New York. It was Brooklyn. Yeah. Wow. Hello. Please welcome back to the show, Hoover Persone. Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me again. So wonderful to have you back, Hoover. Hello, Jason. Hello, Hoover. It is an absolute pleasure to meet you. Oh, the pleasure is mine.

Is it really? Yes. But two people can have pleasure, I think, at the same time. Ideally. Oh, wow. Oh, Hoover, you are a wit, I have to tell you. Some have said half that much. Oh, Hoover, you are killing me. Fucking shit. That is so funny. Fuck. That is good. Fucking shit. I forgot how much of a bro you are.

Ever since Hoover's arrived, you've become like, where did you get that lacrosse stick? Oh, I love him. I love him so much. Hoover, remind us who you are. I'm a writer. Not show yourself. I don't take offense at that. You're a writer. Yes, I'm a writer. It doesn't bother me that you don't remember anything about me. I do believe that you are a newspaper columnist, are you not? No. No.

Strike one. Let's see how well you do. You write the insides of greeting cards, do you? No, I don't. Okay, strike two. I have. Do I ever, is there an opportunity to get a ball? What does that mean? In this strikeout scenario that I'm in, I have two strikes currently. Like, what would get me a ball? Yeah, drill down into the baseball of this. Have you ever watched baseball, Hoover? I mean, it's been on around me.

They seem to be having fun. They do, yeah. I think baseball players have fun. It's nice to be outside. Maybe a lot of stress, but yeah, that's right. To have a job outside, you know, like working in sewers. I've never really followed sports. Really? Yeah, mostly. If they had a sport that involved being in the dark, drinking, and taking pills, I'd be all ears. I love her.

It's not a joke. That would be a great... I would support that sport. The closest I could find is darts.

Is there a competitive deal? Can you get paid to play darts? I don't know if you can get paid to play it. I'm certain there are like, you know, like a dart, like con men out there getting paid. I'm sure you can get paid to do it. Dart hustlers? Dart hustlers is what I'm looking for. They have their own darts and a velvet line. Yes, exactly. Yeah. You can get paid to do anything if someone's willing to pay you, right? That's true. Mm-hmm.

Nice to have you, Hoover. No, what type of writer are you? I swear to God, I thought you were a newspaper. No, I do have a column, though. That's what I mean. Are you a gossip columnist? No. Okay. Strike one for you. Okay. Oh, great. So wait, two people playing baseball. Okay, great. I love this. I like these rules. By the way, let's keep going. If a pitcher was able to throw at one batter and then...

got to decide between batters that they were going to throw to, so they were always surprised. Is that not how they do it? They don't just line up and take their best shot? No.

Maybe I'm getting my information from that one Bugs Bunny cartoon. It sounds like you might be. You have a column. Where is it exactly? Do you want to take a guess? I think we should keep guessing. You only have two strikes. I don't want to strike out. Why not? When you say I only have two strikes, one more and I'm out. Then I have to leave. But you're asking him for the answer, in which case, oh, you have to leave. If we strike out, we have to leave. Oh, God. Okay. Then I'm not going to do it either. Yeah.

I will ask, are you an opinion columnist? Well, that's not in the job description, but of course I can help but read my screen from time to time. Are you a critic? No. Not by profession. Some sort of social columnist. Strike three, you're out. Oh shit, Spire!

I write the circular for the Garden Grove Organic Grocery. Oh, that's right. Oh, wow. Where is that located? Garden Grove. On the street corner. It's right on the corner. Got it. Yeah. It's the Garden Grove. What is it again? Organic Grocery. Organic Grocery. It's a lot of Gs for one business name. Sure. Not one of them stands for good. Whatever.

And what has been going on in the you write about the employees, I remember. Yes, everyone's mad at me. I'm supposed to be sticking to the new items and the sales and so forth. But I can't help but put in a little drama. Oh, you're incorrigible, aren't you?

about what they really like and what they don't like. What's been going on there lately that you've spilled the tea over? What's the drama at the Garden Grove Organic Grocery? Jules, who works in the dairy department. Really? He only works in the dairy department. What does he do? Like just put out milk? He's a cheesemonger. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. See, you thought it was a small thing, but it's actually a big thing. Yeah. Because you look down on the little people.

Come on now. That's what she said. Okay, damn it. You got me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

So he works as a cheesemonger. And what's he been up to? He's lactose intolerant. Oh, wow. And he hid it from the manager. What? He doesn't know the first thing he's talking about. He can't eat any of those things. I feel like that's a breach of that trust. That's a fireable offense. Between a customer and a cheesemonger, that is a breach. And he was fired. Whoa. He was fired. And he did seek reprisals on me. On you? Oh, for reporting the truth? Yeah. How did you find out he was lactose intolerant?

I made him drink a milkshake. You made him or you tricked him?

Both. So first it started out as a trick. I tricked him, which made him drink it. Okay. And he drank the milkshake and then started throwing up or? Everything. Everything. It was terrible. Wow. And so you found out, you published this in the circular. Yeah. And then how is he seeking reprisals right now? He started his own circular at a rival grocery store. What? Does he work there? Dedicated to attacking me. He's doing it pro bono. No. What?

And it just attacks you? It just attacks me. So he's left Cheesemongering altogether to become the editor of a rival circular, grocery circular for no money. Doesn't even mention any of the sales that they have at the grocery store. But if they win the circular wars, does he get paid out of that, the award? Maybe. You think he might have points? I mean, the circular. I'm just wondering, you know. The circular wars have only just started. I don't know the rules.

Well, this is terrible. What has he written about you? He said I'm short. Okay. I'm nearsighted. And you are wearing glasses. He made fun of the way I speak. It's kind of funny. I mean, everyone speaks in a different timbre. None of these are as, you know, revealing as what you'd uncovered about him. So I think you're winning the wars. But don't you see? I look in the shadows at Garden Grove Organic Grocery. You do? Why? I don't know.

Because I don't want people to make fun of me. Oh, okay. You get it now? Is that why the shadow lurked in the shadows all the time? Yeah. He was a butterface. Is that what he only knew? Only the shadow knows. He's a butterface.

Actually, the shadow wasn't much of a lurker. It was evil lurking in the hearts of men. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And he was the shadow. He wasn't lurking in them. That's right. But Batman, he stuck to the shadow. Maybe a small distinction, but probably important to him. You're a huge fan of the shadow? Love it. Big shadow head. Love that body.

The body'd be banging. I'd hand him a paper bag. Sure. Oh, sure. A lot of those you can find at the store. I can joke about him because he's not real. Doesn't he have that big scarf around his face? Yeah. He was just like, hey, put that a little higher. Put that over the entire head, Shadow. Hey, maybe wear a mask, guy.

Anyway. Anyway, what? So he's just said these three things about you and that fills a paper? He makes things up too. What? Which I don't like because it's not a true Romana Cliff. What did he make up about you? He said I could fly and that I fly over people's houses and I spit down their chimneys.

Wow. Wow. Especially around this time of year when there is... Santa might be in there. There is a Santa question mark about being in the chimney or not. People are believing you. Really? Wow. It defies belief, I would think. They see me and they say, what are you doing down here?

On the ground? Yeah. Down here on the ground? Exactly. Wow. This is terrible. And what is, I mean, just out of curiosity, what is Jules, what's the point of you spitting down people's chimneys? Like, why does, like, what would that be? He says I'm trying to put their fires out. Okay. Make them freeze to death.

I think that's a stretch. Because everybody in this town is heating their homes with fires. Even if they are, just one little drop of spit is not going to do it. This is terrible. But he says it's the attempt that counts. Oh, wow. He's written all of this. Yeah. How many issues of this paper have come out? 70. 70 issues? In how long? Three weeks. Whoa. Wow.

Wow. I think he had some of them written in advance. That sounds like if you compiled them, that could be novel length. I think this is a lot like Kendrick's raps about Drake. He wrote them in advance of the release. And just was waiting for Drake to release them. I just want to say, I do not spit down people's chimneys. You don't. That's what you're here to say unequivocally. Have you ever spit down anyone's chimney? What is this?

We're just exploring. This isn't an inquiry. An inquisition. We're just getting to know you. We're just inquiring. Why would you need to know such a thing? It seems immaterial. We want to get to know you better. I mean, this is the first time that Jason's ever spoken to you. Only my second. I think it would be important to counter the misinformation that's out there about you with...

With factual information. If you must know, when I was a boy growing up in New Orleans, yes, I spit down people's chimneys. Oh, wow. Did you ever tell Jules this? I may have mentioned it around him. Oh, wow. But I certainly couldn't fly.

Have you ever come close to flying? Were you ever doing parkour on rooftops or anything like that? Yeah. How much parkour on rooftops did you do? Well, I was a little boy. Of course, me and my little friends, we used to parkour a lot on rooftops. Like boys do. Sure. So I could see where he would get the idea that you're out there above the rooftops and spinning down. Well, it's ridiculous.

When you did engage in this, you know, spitting down chimneys as a boy, to be clear, as a boy, were you doing it, in fact, to put out fires in the fireplace? Or were you just being a rebel? You're asking what was my intention as a little boy to put out the fire? See, I mean, and you mentioned this around him. Now you're blaming the victim. Okay, but did you ever say you stopped doing it?

Because maybe he just feels like... Maybe he just assumes. First of all, you've gotten so good at parkour. Should I assume you're wearing a diaper because I haven't heard you say you've stopped doing that? Sir, why not? Okay. By the way, I have stopped wearing a diaper. Oh, wow. Big announcement. Too late.

Well, this is terrible. I can't believe you weaponized my own childhood against me. I mean, all of our childhoods are weaponized against us every single day of our lives, I think. What a weird thing to say. Really? Yeah. You're weird. I'm weird? You're weird. I don't say this about a lot of my guests. You're a weirdo. I'm not weird. You talk weird? You're short like a weirdo? Oh.

And you fly around spitting down people's chimneys like a weirdo. Oh, no. You bought into the lie. Wow. Scott, do you know Jules? I read an article about this. Yeah. It sounds like maybe you know Jules or you're reading the competitive circular. It's all slander. This is what drives me to drink in the pool. Oh, no. Drink and pills? That's a bad combo. Yeah. Choose one. Why? Why? Because together that can be lethal. Oh, yes. But before that, it's great.

Critic? Film critic? Vincent Canby? I thought you brought up Vincent Canby for some reason. You did. I did. Is that really what you thought? I really did, Hoover. What a maze your mind must be. I imagine wandering in there and getting lost and just laying down to die. I love this guy.

Even if he is flying around spitting. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing as a child. Just mere hijinks. It didn't hurt anyone. I agree. It sounds like perfectly innocent mischief. And I think. Mischief. Me and my little friend Chief. She was a little tomboy. Chief from who's been a guest on this show.

What? Chief is a guest on this show occasionally. Chief. My childhood friend? I don't know. Is it the same Chief? How many first names? I'm only just finding out about yours, so I don't know what you want me to say. The Chief I know wanders around looking for this girl, this girl.

Carmen. Carmen, yeah. I believe. Is her name Carmen Sandiego, I believe. No, this means nothing to me. Okay, so you haven't kept up with Chief recently? Well, Chief went on to become a very successful flyer writer. Oh, really? Where? Yeah, in the sky. Oh, like a sky writer? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. She's a pilot. Nice. Oh, wow. She writes prose in the sky. Does the pilot...

Like actually release the sky writing, whatever it is up there, smoke or goo or whatever. I think it's ink. Is it ink? Yeah, it's ink. It's ink. Yep. It's lighter than air ink. This is like gaseous paper or something. Gaseous clay. That's a good idea. Oh, I got to call my friend about this. Yep. Yep. Wow.

In any case, this is terrible stuff. I'm so sorry for you, for your loved ones. Thank you. Nobody needs to be. Why are they attacking me like this? I'm just a simple person. Some would say you struck first, but you know, I mean. The people had a right to know. That's just Jules, too. We've only covered Jules. Who else have you been writing about in the circular? Like, I'm a little worried. There's hardly anyone left. Oh, okay. There's no more employees at the Garden Grove Diner?

Well, there was Gary, of course, who confided to me that he doesn't like the white chocolate almond clusters. And, of course, I made that known in the circular. I changed his name, of course. It was a wine item, perhaps? It was a Romanoclef. Oh, I see. You're very fond of Romanoclefs. I love them. Do you pluralize it Romanzoclef? Romanoclave. Romanoclaves.

You remember I told you that Freddy Krueger was a romantic love. That's right. I do remember this. A janitor named Eddie Kluger. The kids kept trying to set on fire. Kept trying to, but were never successful. He had to go from school to school to school.

They kept trying to burn his cock. Wait, so he kept traveling and getting new jobs at different schools? Yes, because then the new school would hear that the kids tried to burn him down. That's all they needed to know. They tried to burn him down. All right.

And he had to keep going like the Incredible Hulk. Oh, wow. The TV show. Town to town. Not the movie. Yes. There's a fair amount of traveling in the movies. David Banner, not Bruce. That's right. Can't have the name Bruce. No, can't have it on TV in the 70s. You know, Christmas time always makes me a little mournful. Oh, why? But I once wrote a story.

Called A Christmas Memory That I Had Once. That's the title. A Christmas Memory That I Had Once. And it was all about my favorite person when I was growing up, who was this elderly lady who lived up the street. She was my only friend for a while. She understood me. She was so sweet and so nice. And then I sold the rights to my story. You sold the rights to who? Who bought the rights? A movie studio. A movie studio. Oh, wow. Yes.

And it became the movie La Llorona. Which movie? What movie? La Llorona. La Llorona? La Llorona? La Llorona. La Llorona? La Llorona. La Llorona. Is that like My Sharona? In what way? I mean, you can fit it into that rhythm. Is that what you meant? Maybe. La Llorona. La Llorona. La Llorona. How is the word...

Can we play the trailer? L-L-O-R. Ah, there it is. Got it. Wait, so this was... Let me see if I have a trailer here. This was a sweet old lady named Stooge. I can hear something. You're the only one that can see it. Well, I'll turn the computer around. Oh, I thought you were sending it to that. No. Then it would play on that. We can't record it.

Oh, I didn't know. Maybe the picture only can go there. Hey, man, I don't know. Hey, guy. Learn your back. Hey, guy. Is this the one that you're talking about? Oh, I'm sorry. I was on my way out. We're so. This is the curse of law. You're Rona. That's not the actual sequel. I don't know. Anyway, what were you going to say, Hoover?

I wasn't going to say anything. I was waiting to be asked a question. Did you profit wildly off of the sale of your story? No, you didn't. Oh, that's interesting. They tricked me. Oh, how so? A lot like you tricked Jules with a milkshake. It was the same exact trick. What? Oh, you think you know better. Or did you then use it on Jules? They said, first this happened to me and then I used it on Jules. Wow. It was a very simple trick.

They said, we'd like to buy the rights to your story. I said, what are you going to do with it? They said, here, drink this. And it was a milkshake. And it was a milkshake? Yeah. And I fell asleep. Oh, no. They slipped a Mickey in it. They slipped a Mickey in your milkshake? Hopefully you weren't asleep for a month like our friend Chip. They slipped a Mickey in my milkshake. Oh, good. Ding dong, the bells are going to chime. This is awful. This is an awful story. I got you in that one.

So here you are, almost destitute. I never said that. I'm just assuming. Almost destitute. Well, I mean, you are writing a circular for a grocery store. I mean, where are we at here? Well, I've been doing it for quite some time. I'm a valued member of the team, despite what all the jealous people will say. Really? Yeah. The fans love me. The customers. They can't get enough. So you think of the customers as fans.

Yeah. They eat it up. Oh, wow. Along with the groceries. Do you have any sense of how Jules' new circular is doing with the fans? It seems to be popular with a certain type of person. Mm-hmm. Not the type of person I particularly like to associate with. Wow. I mean, 70 of these things. I'm surprised that this competing grocery store is allowing this kind of behavior. They're not. They're not. I'm surprised. So this is unofficial. This is.

This is unauthorized. Yes, I never said that the grocery store... He said he was doing it pro bono. Unauthorized, like the biography of you that I'm writing, Scott. Oh, yeah. There's a competing one out there. He's got one of those little tables in front of the store. Oh, wow. Like a full card table that he just sets it up himself and gives them out? Yeah, if only he were paying for a card. What a tremendous amount of work to put in for absolutely no return.

On Jules' part, except revenge. He thinks it'll ruin me and I'll be finished in this town. Are you almost ruined? Yes, and I'm almost finished in this town. This is terrible. I can't believe it's working. I can't believe Garden Grove can support two organic grocery stores. I never said that the other one was organic. Oh, interesting. Inorganic? You fellas like to assume a lot of things. Okay. But you're never correct, are you? Okay. I mean, I'm happy to be corrected.

Good. So it's an inorganic. This must be a wonderful day for you. It's an inorganic grocery store with an unauthorized circular beam. It's a regular grocery store. They don't advertise that they're inorganic. Okay. So it's just like an Albertsons. If you like.

It's called Grocery Queen, if you must know. Grocery Queen? Yes. Really? It used to be Grocery King. Okay. But then the king died? That's right. They staged the death of the Grocery King. And this is the line of succession goes to the queen? They had a whole drama about it that no one cared for. By the way, this store sounds like they've got shit going on. It's too much, frankly. Oh.

Well, this is a lot going on for you. I'm so sorry. I mean, the holidays must be terrible for you. Do you at least have family? You have loved ones that you can gather around close to your breast? Well, I do see my mother sometimes. This is the one the La Llorona was based on? No. That was the old lady down the street. Scooch. Scooch. Scooch. Scooch.

My childhood friend, the elderly lady, Stooge. That's right. Not a first name, not a last name, just Stooge. I never thought to ask. I love that. She's just Stooge to me. How long did you know her? How long was she a figure in your life? I knew her for the last 10 years of her life. Okay. Where did that occur in your life? The first 10 of mine. Got it. Wow. Isn't that ironic? Don't you think? Like two lives bookended.

I suppose. Not very good bookends. Human beings would not make good bookends because they'd always want to get up to move and go to the bathroom.

then your books would fall down. Were you like this the last time I met you? I did. Like, why? Yeah, that's wild. Yeah. That's wild. I don't think that would be even a consideration that people would use people as bookends. I can imagine some, like, rich French king out there. Careful, Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld talked about.

Ordering his subjects to be bookends for him. There used to be human chess games. Yes. We all agree on that. We all agree. We couldn't tell you where that happened or when. But we know it happened. We know it happened. And someday we'll get back to those glory days. So why not human bookends? That was true 3D chess.

well hoover wonderful to talk to you i'm sorry everything is going poorly for you but i'm glad your mother is there for you and well she's dead but i still see her sometimes how do you mean well she just sort of appears and taunts me and then goes away like a ghost

It's undetermined if it's a ghost or if it's just my memory. Oh, interesting. Nobody else can see her. Okay. But you can see her.

Sometimes, yeah. Can she pass through objects, physical objects? No, I haven't seen that happen. She just sort of turns up, says something mean, and then I turn around and she's not there anymore. So you're not getting any kind of closure or anything. She is continuing to poke and prod you. She's actually making it more open. Wow. Sounds like a memory to me, if I'm being honest. Because a ghost would like,

tell you all these things, say these things, and then float through the wall. But then you have a memory, and the memory is talking about things that are happening now. Oh, so then this is confusing. Can you ask her next time you see her, like, hey, could you float through a wall for me so I can settle a bet? Why don't I just ask her to go away? Why don't you? She's my mom. So you answered your own question. Do you think she has unfinished business? Well, then what do I need you here for? I don't know.

Is there some unfinished business that you could finish with her so she could leave you alone? I guess. I guess. Her unfinished business is continuing to give me a hard time. Yeah, so... She criticizes and picks and picks. Wow.

That's hard. That's a very hard person to have in your life. Always there. Always in your ear. Yeah, it feels a lot like having you on the show. Whoa! Anyway. You started off absolutely obsessed with Hoover. I loved him. And now you cannot get rid of him fast enough. I fucking hate this guy. I've never heard you laugh harder at anyone in my life. And now you are furious. I've done a total 180 on this guy. A lot like Dom does in the Fast and Furious franchise. Oh, fuck yeah, bro.

What? He does 180s. He makes a lot of U-turns. Oh, yeah. Yep. It's like, oh, this calls for a U-turn. Oh, I know what I'm doing. Looks like we all owe Tony Hinchcliffe an apology. Turns out there's a horse comedian out there. All right. All right. We got to get to our next guest. Kill Scotty? It is the holidays, of course, and we love to talk to...

Here they are. You know them as an elf of indeterminate gender. Please welcome back to the show. My dick is a candy cane, bitches. That helps. Please welcome back Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho! Hello! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Oh, yeah. They farted out candy cane dust!

- Yum, it hurts my butthole. Crunchy crispies, have a lick. - I love it. - Not of my ass. - Whoa, Scott, Scott, that was presumptuous. - You picked me up and bent me over, you sick fuck.

Ho-ho, it's great to see you. This is Jason. I don't know if you remember Jason. What? Hi! Ho-ho, great to see you again. This is Hoover Persone, someone you haven't met. Hi, Hoover Persone. How do you do, ho-ho? Really good. How are you? Candy. Didn't you want to say ho-ho? Ho-ho! I got distracted by this bag of candy coming at me. What a Christmas treat. Ho-ho, it's the holidays. Ho-ho! How do you have time to be on this show? Well, I kind of

I kind of did all my work earlier. I've got all the horrible things for all the kids all lined up and ready to go. That's right. What's big this year for horrible things? Yeah, if you don't know Ho-Ho, Ho-Ho gives out... You give out knives and weapons of all sorts. Yeah, but this year I'm getting a little creative. Like how?

So I've been collecting teeth. I kind of teamed up with the tooth fairy. Smart. And I've been collecting all the teeth that she gets, and I'm making little weapons out of that. Little clappers that'll chomp you. Oh, wow.

Little clappers that'll chomp you. I take two wooden planks, make a mouth of teeth, and add a rubber band around the end and go chomp, chomp, chomp. What did you get, Personae? I was just clarifying, darling. Wow. You see how I feel about Personae, though, right? I love him so much. You could also use that. You could use that dental impression to frame someone because that dental print would match their teeth. You're on the right track. It's part of the long con. Yeah.

The Christmas con. All the kids will be blamed for things later in life. I love that. Although I guess as their teeth fall out and they get new ones, it won't match the dental records. Well, don't you love to poke holes in plants? Oh, well, I'm just saying. You should bring me in on this. Boo! Boo! Boo! I've never been booed on my own show before. I've been booed outside of my own show. That's hard to believe. You're such a Scrooge. Did you ever know Scrooge? I knew him well. Really? He was my dear, dear friend.

dear friend when was he around like the 1500s or something 1804 wow yeah how old are you do you think that's true i'm a million and the black death were contemporary oh no he's an old guy right we can agree on that listen at the plague i understand why he's such a grouch and a grump if he's surviving the plague everybody would be yes

It does? Yeah, it really sucks. Especially if you're getting it for Christmas. When you get it for Christmas, it's a real bad sign. And then that Birdman comes and hangs out with you. Which Birdman? From the movie Birdman? Blank Man? From Blank Man? Michael Keaton? It's Blank Man from Blank Man, played by Michael Keaton. So tell us about Ebenezer. Ebenezer Scrooge? Not the baby. Not the mama.

Ebenezer was my dear, dear friend and gay lover. What? Huge reveal. Ebenezer was on the down low? He was on the DL. I was his sugar baby. He gave me so much money every day. Exclusive. Gold coins. Poo-poosh. Was that? I mean, it seemed like those ghosts should have been talking about that. Like, hey, you're going to regret not being honest with the people in your life. What's going on? But underneath the sheets.

sheets you're here where you should be i don't know this song new kelly clarkson christmas jam come on man everybody's doing it charlie pooth do you only sing christmas songs yep hark hear the angel sing that's it tell me another one daddy we can't do any we can't do any more of it otherwise we have to pay the licensing fee here's my favorite one

Oh, God rest ye merry gentlemen. This earth we all shall claim. We come with gifts for Jesus and the baby's just the same. In my basket gold and mer and frankenfurts. And when you bend me over and stick the candy cane, it hurts.

Hoover, what do we think about this? It's beautiful. What do you look like? I can't see you. What do you look like? I'm just a little guy.

So is Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho! But you're littler than me. I am the size of a dollar bill. Or a two dollar bill. Or five, seven, a hundred. They should make the bigger denominations bigger. They should. So you tell your rich, you go, when you go to the strip club, you say, I love it when you call me Big Papa. And you throw a big blanket that's a hundred dollars in it. Wow.

I'm going to visit the strip club after this. Oh, really? Oh, okay. You like going to the strip clubs then? I do. I like to see what's going on lately. Do you make it rain? I make it rain. I make it clap. I make it do all kinds of stuff. I can make it rain right now. Oh, God. Oh. Candy cane. Come just snow. It's not candy cane flavored. Don't lick it, you sick freak. God, you're obsessed with me.

You're the one who spurred income on us. It wasn't income, it's snow. Oh, okay. So how's Santa, by the way? He's not good. Oh no. Really? I'm going to see him pretty soon. He'll tell you all about it. Yeah. But he's not good. We're going to watch the Postman together. You are? Il Postmano? Il Postmano? No, the Kevin Costner Postman. I have to kidnap him later this week. What's that about?

The Postman? Yeah. What do you think? Delivering the mail on Christmas Day. You got it. All right.

Although it doesn't take place on Christmas Day, does it? Well, the postman takes that day off. It takes place in the future where mail doesn't exist anymore. But how do we get information? We don't, and that's the problem. And then the postman fixes it. He also meets Tom and Eddie. These are all spoilers, by the way. I don't need to know this. Oh, I think, yeah. I think the hope for humanity is the reestablishment of the postal service. And the government. I believe is the postman.

I love the postal service. Everybody likes getting mail. Yeah. What's your favorite mail you ever got? Postino, whatever your name is. My favorite piece of mail was a Christmas card that I got from my friend Stooge. Are you naturally sad?

Your face feels like a hound dog. You know, I don't think I'm naturally sad. What a question to ask. No one's ever asked me that before. I think it is mostly the...

The vodka and the pills. Oh, he's on vodka and pills. Got any where that came from? Of course I do. Would you like some? Give me a slam. Here you go, honey. Give me a slam. That's right. Get it down. You have a little vial. I like that. That's not the vodka bottle. What am I sucking then? Oh, God. Why would you suck a bottle anyway? To get all the liquid out. Oh, God.

I have a long tongue like a special lizard. Well, Ho-Ho, we're coming up on a break. We need to take a break. Can you stick around for a little bit longer? I can indeed. Okay, sir. Well, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more Jason. We're going to have more Hoover Personi. We're also going to have more Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho! And other people are going to drop by. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Whee!

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- Comedy Bang Bang, we're back and we're here with Jason Manzoukas of course, the Hainong Man himself. - Hainong Man. - Hainong Man. And we also have Hoover Personae here who writes the circular-- - Hainong Man. - Oh wow, we've reset. - You know the lingo and the jargon, I love that. - I just thought it was the thing to say. - I'd love it if someone, I know people put Hainong Man in lots of stuff now. I'd love a Christmas song with Hainong Man in it. - Yeah, someone should write that. - Okay.

All right, Ho-Ho, here we go. Ho-Ho. Let's hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling too. Let's hear them jizzing, splizzing, and goo-ling all of that goo. Okay, I don't know. Hey, non-my- Oh, okay, there it is. Hey! Hang in.

Come on, it's stocking weather for our balls to bake into your snow. Giddy fart, giddy fart, giddy fart, let's fart. All up in our ass. We're smoking in a wonderland of sass. Giddy jizz, giddy jizz, giddy jizz, let's play. It's snowing all day. Here comes a big blizzard, it's coming, it's gonna blow you away. Here's the hanged old man song.

good song you know let's sing it all day long until we just have to go blow song is coming it's coming right now see i'm letting you know this ending right now as i pee wow don't eat it scott will wow i think we just discovered that ho ho pees yellow snow that that is what comes out

Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Great to have you here. We need to get to our next guest. That was a beautiful song. And if a fan wants to put the melody behind it, we can release it. I would love that. We can get that on Spotify. That'd be great. Let's get to our next guest. It's so interesting to know that we only got to know this person this year in January, I believe.

Why is that inherently interesting? Well, because I've known, well, I guess I've only known you for a couple of months. You've known me for years and years. That's right. Not as long as your friend. Is this part of the show now where everybody that comes on, you say how long you've known them? It's the best feature of the show. It's so interesting. Because as a listener, I often think as a listener to podcasts and things,

How long have these two people known each other? That's pertinent to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is he's become such an important part of the show and someone we love talking to that it really beggars belief that we've only known him now for a mere 12 months. Give me that ace, Scott. I miss that fucking ace. Here he is. Please welcome back to the show, Tony Sony. Oh, yeah. As long as you fucking had this ace. Look at that thing. Sitting in that little chair.

It is. Yeah, I fucking love that ace. Hey, Tony. Great to see you. I missed you, Scott. Oh, my God. How long has it been? A couple of months? Well, I think I saw you out on the road. The size of your head, that fucking tool. That's what I want to say. It was. Biggest fucking tool of my fucking life. Yeah, it was actually a little bigger than the head. But yeah, wonderful to have you back. It was bigger than the head? I don't fucking know at this point. That tool was like 900 years long. Aren't you tired? Well, you didn't die on that tool.

I swear to God. I might have. This might be a hallucination. Oh, wow. I don't know. Tony, you, of course, we thought you ran the Sony Studios, but you actually run So New York Pizza. So New York Pizza. Pizza, your best pizza of your fucking life at my fucking place. You have a- Size of your head, the pies. The pie, yeah, which is not- Pepperoni size of your eyeballs. Not that big.

Pizzas are usually bigger. It's fucking huge. The pepperonis are the size of eyeballs? It's a small pizza with small pepperonis. Fucking pepperonis you haven't seen in your life. We got the most toppings that any pizza has ever had. We got cheese. We got sauce. We got pepperonis. Cheese, sauce, and pepperonis. All three of them when you come to my place is the fucking best time of your fucking life. I was there. I give advice to Hollywood people. I give stand-up. A lot of people call Tony thinking that it's Sony Studios. And then I give advice.

I give advice on movies. I'm like, yeah, go ahead. Make it.

Tony also has a wife. She's an Olympian. I don't want to talk about my wife. I didn't come here to talk about my wife. Did you say you left your wife? No, I didn't leave my wife. No, she's a fucking, she won a fucking Nobel Peace Prize. Then what did you say? What do you mean, what did I say? It sounded like you said, I left my fucking wife. No, I just, I don't want to talk about it. He said, I love my fucking wife. No, I did not say I love my fucking wife.

I love my fucking mom. Tony loves his girl. I love my mom. Oh, my mom. Your side piece. She's so beautiful, my girl. My every day with her is a fucking blessing. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. It's just so incredible.

So what is your guma up to these days? Well, me and my guma, you know, holiday season. We got to be ready for that, Scott. Oh, sure. So I don't do stand-up during the holiday season. Oh, really? You take a break? I take a break. You love doing stand-up. I love doing my stand-up. In the back of So New York Pizza. So New York Pizza. But at this point, I was like, I got it. I take a break during Christmas because for the sweet baby Jesus. That's wonderful. I need to celebrate him in full.

Great. So what do you replace it with then? I sing. I give the gift of song. You do? You're a singer? I'm so excited. Listening to the beautiful tunes coming out of Ho Ho. Ho Ho. Making me just, my heart break into 100 million pieces. Oh my God. The size of my fucking head and my heart. I'm like a regular jukebox. Could you sing a song for us right now? Let's hear it. Yes.

- I can't wait for you guys to hear my song. - Sing a song of sixpence. - I can always sing my song. - Yeah, do you have any songs about sixpence? - Sixpence, none the richer? Sing one of their songs. - No, I don't have any songs like that. No, I got one song every one song a year. - Oh, okay. - Oh, you're fucking good.

The thing is, you know, I have my during the holidays and my family all come. I have all 25 kids. I have my wife's family fucking kill me. And then I got Michael Ma's family there. They're wonderful people. And your kids, of course, you have Yale, Harvard, University of Chicago. They were named after where they were conceived. Yes, of course. You only have sex at colleges. Exactly. You get it immediately. Thank you. I have like 900 conversations with Scott about it.

I actually got it, though, today. You did? Yeah, you did. Good song. Anyway, can you sing a song? Yeah, this is what I sing to my family. I give them the gift of song. You ready to hear? Yeah, sure. Okay, let's go. Oh, you brought some music? Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Hit play. Here we go. This one goes out to all the Gumas. Santa baby, I have a little question for you. Boo boo.

Will you answer me please, Santa Baby? What happened to the pig from Black Mia? Santa remember the Prime Minister fucks that pig in episode 1. He does it on TV. But Santa Baby, what happened to that pig that gets fucked?

The prime minister saves the princess's life. But what about that pig, his guma, his little pig life? He's eating lunch at old country buffet when he's hired by the government to fuck some guy all day.

What?

Will he work again? Santa baby. He got fucked so hard he can't make the shoes. Santa cutie. The pig is in the tabloids every day. It's babe. He's even on DMZ. But then.

His memoir sells a million copies. The font is big, too. By the way, Santa, am I doing anal sex? Why does it hurt so bad and take so damn long? I want to be like the pig in Black Mirror and come so hard I get a book deal today.

Santa baby, the pig is shot in the head by MI5. Cause he's a national threat, just like Epstein. He didn't kill himself, they killed him. He didn't kill himself, they killed him. Sing it with me now. No! He didn't kill himself, they killed him. Ooh.

Wow, that was so good. Thank you. I write one song a year. That's all you fucking get. That was so good. I've heard that song. That is an instant classic. Do you work on it? So you did know what happened to the pig.

So have you only watched the first episode of Black Mirror? I just started. I'm fucking hooked. Surprising level of detail about Black Mirror that I didn't even remember. Oh, you didn't remember? Yeah. Oh my God. That episode haunts me. Me and my girl mom, we watched Netflix in bed. I was like, I got to re-watch this thing. Watch it 55 times. What about the episode

where that guy dies and then he becomes an AI robot. No spoilers! Oh, God, no spoilers! You ever see that one? No! How about the one where the guy gets to... Stop it! No spoilers!

gets threatened with a text message that they say he's a pedophile. What the fuck? I got a one episode of that. It's the one that happens. How about the one where people can rate each other on their personality but they get an Uber rating? Oh yeah, I heard about this one. No, I can't do that. So you only watch the pig one? That's all I could watch. What about Jon Hamm? He's kind of like a pig. You should watch that one. He's in the Christmas one. He's in one of them? Yeah. Jon Hamm, size of your head, doctor.

He's one of the best eaters I've ever seen. - Did you ever give him a slice of pizza? - No, but I okayed some of his movies. - Oh, that's cool. - I gave the okay, I said, "Okay, go ahead, do it." - I don't know that he would thank you for that. - Do you have the kind of pizza place where like if celebrities come in, you take a picture with them and hang it on the wall? - Oh yeah, we got pictures on the floor, we got pictures on the ceiling. - On the floor? - Everywhere you go, there's a picture in the pie.

Absolutely. You open up the pizza. What do you mean you open up the pizza? It's like double folded over. The pizza's folded over. The pizza's like a book? Wait, are calzones the books of... It's not a fucking calzone. It's a pizza. You fucking asshole. Calzone is a pizza that's been folded over. Yeah, that's... What? You cocksucker. Fuck you. I love you. Did you know that you

- Wait, are you his Gumar? - Sometimes. - I mean. - When you put on a wig. - Well, Tony, it's great to have you here. I really think that you and Ho-Ho should collab. - Ho-Ho!

I love it. Yeah, I'm happy, though. You helped me write a couple more songs this year. A Christmas duet would be incredible. Oh, let's do Baby, It's Cold Outside. Okay. Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. It's a salad and scrambled eggs. It's freaking cold out here, baby. Baby, I see the booze are calling.

And I'll say to him, I'll say to him, hey. For you. Yeah. Are you still singing Santa, baby? You're singing Santa, baby. You're doing the Frasier theme song. But put them together. It's Baby, It's Cold Outside. To salad and scramble, baby. Okay. Well, guys. Baby, I've got you pegged. I got you pegged.

Like the pig in Black Mirror. And I don't know what to do with my tossed salad that scrambled Santa. I just noticed that the Frasier theme song has pegged and tossed salads in it. Yeah, interesting. That's why it's my favorite song. Frasier loves that stuff. He wrote it and he sang it. Well, we need to get to our next guest, unfortunately. But from Tony to Tony. Whoa, what the?

Fuck. That's right. We just heard from a Tony, and it's take a Tony, leave a Tony here. You know him as Tony Nails. Please welcome back Room Tone Tony. Would you like?

You like to jizz on a star. Carrie Moon jizz off in a jar. What is happening today? Sorry, Scott. I thought you had to sing a song to be on the episode today. A lot of ejaculate songs. I like that song. I want to do a quick out of this world jizz. You know that was a song before out of this world. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah.

How could that be possible? Because in the show Out of This World, they describe how they carry moonbeams off in a jar. That was a song before the show. Yeah, it's hard to believe. That's an absolute coincidence, Scott. It is, it truly is. I'm sad as hell right now. What is going on, Tony? I'm sad, Scott. What's happening, Room Tone Tony? You haven't even taken any room tone. Well, of course. Well, here's the thing, Scott. I haven't been doing a lot of room talk.

No, not room tone Tony. Are you from cats? That's Rum Tum Tugger. No, no, that's my cousin. Wait, your cousin's from Rum Tum Tugger? That's right. A cat? He's an absolute jellicle cat? When you're jizzing on a star, say Missy Mother Colored Memories. Thanks, baby.

Scott, I'm sad. What's going on, Tom? There's been a contraction in the entertainment industry, Scott. That's, I mean, yeah. First, we have COVID. We're all feeling it. Then we have the strike. The contractions, they're coming closer and closer together. This baby's getting born. It's getting born.

There's going to be some dilation at some point. But right now, it's just contractions. So you haven't been working? I haven't been working. You know, this has been a slow year for me. So, so far, I've only worked on Inside Out 2, Deadpool, Wolverine, Despicable Me 4, Dune Part 2.

And I don't know, 14 to 15 more movies in the top 20. You're actually working a lot. It's not as much as I normally do, Scott. Yeah. But they're all hits. They're all hits. But of course, you know, they've been, we didn't go on strike. The sound union did not go on strike. Yeah. Why was that? Well, we got a shit deal, Scott. Yeah.

And you were happy with that? Yeah, we were like, well, at least it's a deal. We got a shit deal. We took it. We fucking, you know, we go, we do the sound, but we're not making very much money. Do you get paid by the sound? That's right. And by the volume. Yeah. Is it more money for higher tone? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I was trying to get you sounds that you would get money. I'm actually not recording. How much you get for the sound like this?

$65. How much do you get for something like, ugh? That's like, I gotta split that with my other sound guy. That's $13 each. Oh, shit. What about something like... What about together, if I could two people do it at the same time? Ugh!

Okay, now I'm going on vacation to the Hamptons this year. Well, that one was an expensive sound. You're not working on this. I'm not working. So the sound guy on this job just got rich. Whoever the sound guy is, there's a guy in the court I've never seen before recording. He's going to be making a lot of money, Scott. But no, I haven't been able to work this much this year. So I'm hitting the gig economy, Scott. Oh, you are? Really? That's right. What are you doing? You delivering? No, no, no. Hmm.

I'm a gaffer. No, no, no. Okay. You're going to make me guess again because I already had three strikes with the Uber over here. Guess one more time. You were collecting bicycles. No. E-bikes. No, no. That'd be fun if I was just collecting bicycles. You know those guys who collect them and then drive them a mile to another place? I do know those guys, Scott. Yeah. They live in my neighborhood. Okay. And they leave all the bikes outside my house. What am I doing right now, Scott? I'm a gaffer.

Oh, wow. So still on set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still on set. I've had to take on a couple of gaffing gigs just to, of course, gaffer the head of the lighting department on set. Sure, of course, yeah. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. Oh, I thought it was the guy that did the tape on the floors. You thought it was the floor tape guy? No, they have gaffer tape. Gaffer tape. Yeah, I thought that was the tape guy. No, no, no. And Jim Gaffigan famously started as a gaffer. I met him on tour, Jim Gaffigan.

Then, of course, there was the Gaff Squad. Yep, of course. Wait, from Premier Magazine? From Premier Magazine. And my favorite cartoon, Gaffy Guck. Ho, ho. Ho, ho. Gaffy Guck. I don't know if I've heard of that one. I love that old guy. That feels like a Johnny Ryan cartoon.

So you're a gaffer now. I'm a gaffer. I'm doing the light, Scott. Wow. That's, I mean, that's not sound. It's not sound, but you know, of course, you know when you're watching a TV show and there's that buzz? Oh, there's more. You hear like, zzzz.

You can see the sweat coming down from the actor's face. Sure. I mean, mainly when I watch B-movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scott, how dare you? How dare I? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you, sir? Scott, I hold up big bright lights to actors so they start sweating. How much money you give for something like a light? How much money I give for that? How much money you give for that? Like $85. Fuck, that's good money. That's pretty good. I get paid by the light, of course. How much do you get for pizzas? Oh, I got $95 or $25.

95-25? 95-25. That's pretty good. Is that the split you're doing? 150. If you find a picture of somebody cool, like, I don't know, Jay Leno or something like that, you'll get it. Oh,

O.J. Leno? Who's O.J. Leno? I want to meet O.J. Leno. What a matchup. It's a before and after from Jeopardy. Or Wheel of Fortune. Exactly. Yes, yes. Who the hell are you, by the way? Wheel of Fortune. Oh, how are you doing, Mr. Persona? Fine. Do you have nickels in your cheeks?

Hooper Persone is now lying down. He's brought his own Shed's Lounge. Frasier is not here, so you don't have to lie down. The room is spinning. That's the pills and alcohol. Maybe. Your theory. Were you saying that your job is exclusively to hold bright lights up to actors' faces to make them perspire? That's right. I want them to be sweaty. Especially the ones that are going to die in movies. They've got to be sweating their little tails off.

I don't know if you've seen the movie Terminator 2. Have you seen this movie? Liquid metal. Yeah, sure. Liquid metal. Morphic technology popularized in the black and white video. Yes, go ahead, Rune Tomtom. There's a character who is going to invent the AI that will eventually become Cybernet or whatever the fuck it is. Cyberdyne Industries. Cyberdyne Industries, yes. And he dies in the movie and the director was like, hey, I need you to make this guy sweat his little ass off.

The makeup department, they were like, well, we want him to not be sweaty. Yeah, we're going to put powder on him. We're going to put powder on him. The director was like, I want this guy to be so fucking... A lot of times it happens to black actors as well. Interesting. Well, it seems like the black actors seem to be the one that they're fine with letting sweat for the entire shoot. Yeah.

So they said, hey, bring the light as close as you can. This is during Terminator 2. Oh, yeah. You were a gaffer on that. Yeah, they did a re-release this year. Oh, I see. And they did go back and do the lights again. Had to go back and do the lights again, of course. They did reshoots? They did reshoots. For the re-release? Yes, they did the re-release of Star Wars Event of Menace as well this year. I had to go back and do the lights. Shot for shot remake of the original. I had to light up Jar Jar Binks a little bit more.

And they were like, hey, I know Jar Jar Binks is sort of voice acted and physically acted by a black person. Can we make him sweat a lot? So I was like, no problemo. Turned up to 120%. Wow. Scorched his little hairs off his head. So we're going to be seeing a lot of sweaty actors then. That's correct. Okay. As a matter of fact, I'm going to have to set up some lights in here, Scott. Oh, okay. Hold on. Let me just hear around. Whoa. This is how this helps. We need to do this.

We move this here. We get this really close. Oh, my God. I'm melting. Cook me like a couple of double cheese. I feel like I'm on a little weenie on a spit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It really helps if you rotate like a little hot dog in a seven-a-ling. I feel like a slushy. Oh, my ass is burning.

Now that it's very well lit in here, I feel like you guys look much better. Okay. You know, we're not filming this, though. We don't have to necessarily light it. But see, that's the thing is they always say they're not going to film it. But as a gaffer, you just light it because next thing you know, they come in. They're like, hey, we actually we do want to shoot in that little dark corner. I guess. Let me ask you something. You will help people with the deodorants as well. Oh, yeah. I bring in deodorant every day. What kind

natural deodorant oh that shit doesn't work no it doesn't it's actually what people call deodorant theater where you put it on and everyone's like oh you know what it's actually this guy's not gonna stink today then you get close to him and you're like oh god he fucking stinks

Scott, did I mention that? I was but a simple union guy. I, of course, yes, we've talked about that. How many unions do you belong to? I'm now in two unions. Two? I'm in the GAFA's union. That's wonderful. And I am in the, wait, wait, let me look down. Oh, I'm also a part of the Soviet Union, Scott. Oh, okay. They're doing pretty well these days. One of the remaining parts of the Soviet Union, of course, Scott. Wow. Are you part of the union, Jack? Let me see.

No. What about the union of the snake? You know, Duran Duran. Yes, of course. You've seen Barbarella, haven't you? Of course I've seen Barbarella. Look, me, I've seen a lot of movies that people like and people enjoy. Ha ha ha!

But Scott, you know, the holidays for me are a tough time because, you know, production shut down and I got to be with my family. And that sucks. Who's your family? Oh, of course, my sons. I've got Sondheiser, Shure, and Yeti Blue. Are those all named what they were conceived on? Yeah, yeah, of course. I had sex on a microphone and conceived my three children.

Genius. But it sucks because I like to listen to recordings of my family where I put microphones around the house and just listen to them be themselves. I love that. It's so creepy and weird. Yeah, I don't think you should be doing that. Yeah, they talk shit about you. Yeah, but then I got to like be with them. They look me in the eye and they expect me to like answer them and stuff. I don't like that kind of thing, Scott. Yeah, nightmare. I mean, you chose to have a family. Did I? Did I choose? I don't know.

I gotta say, it wasn't my choice. My wife held me down and said, well, having a kid. Story of my fucking life. Wives are a nightmare, eh? Wives are a nightmare. Do you have kids, Tony? Yeah, I got 25 fucking kids. Oh, that's right. University of Chicago or something. We have similar naming conventions for our children. Absolutely, absolutely. You guys should have a kid together. I'll watch.

I feel like people named Tony just have a kinship where we sort of get each other. You know what I mean? Well, if you're named Tony, you're usually a working class gentleman. You're a working class guy. There's probably a little bit of gravity of voice. You don't think there's ever been a rich guy? You know I'm rich, Scott. I'm not working class. I'm fucking loaded. I mean, I'm filthy rich as well. My wife is better than BBL. I'm fucking rich. No, yeah, I mean, but you're not rich. If you were ever to get divorced, she would probably take you. Did you sign a prenup? Yeah. Ironclad? Yeah. Yeah.

Is it paid? That's bad. Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to get it. Is that why you stay with your wife? I mean, you seem to hate her, even though she's a Nobel Prize winning scientist who invented the BBL and an Olympian. Now that I think about it, I guess, yeah. But before, I was thinking I didn't want to be traumatic for my kids. So wait a minute. You have a rich wife, too? Yeah. You got a rich wife? Oh, yeah. My wife, she invented pornography. What? She gets royalties anytime anything pornographic happens.

Your wife invented porn? You ever wonder why you're at home and you just jerk off and you get a Venmo request? Oh, yeah. That's my wife. Whenever I come, I hear the Shopify cha-ching. That's her. So she's filthy fucking rich. She loves when people love pornography.

Wow. That's beautiful. I love when people love it, too. But that's just because I care about my fellow man. No, no. She just loves the fucking money that comes in. Wow. She's filthy fucking rich, Scott. Amazing. And she actually said that you're one of her greatest customers. Oh. Let's talk about what kind he likes. Wait, does that mean she invented hentai?

Oh, yeah. She was on the ground floor of hentai pornography. That's incredible. Scott, do you hear this? I don't know what it is, but I... That's interesting. It's what you like. Hats off as well as all the rest of my clothes. You could be meeting the inventor of hentai if you would just admit that you love it. Hentai is your favorite thing. It's his favorite thing.

That's my favorite thing. I don't even know what it is. That's what all these Christmas decorations are, aren't they? I've never heard of it. Wait, I just texted my wife. I said, hey, what do you know about Scott? And then she texted me all these receipts. And she said, read these receipts if you need to prove that Scott is into hentai. Oh, wow. She came with receipts? She came with receipts. Receipts. And she said, read these receipts if you want to prove that Scott is into hentai. Literal receipts. Wow. Receipt number one. Hentai. A prequel. What?

A prequel? It started with a prequel. Starting with a prequel. Now that's crazy. You want to start with a prequel? I think it makes sense. Is that when they're giving birth to the octopuses? The next one. It says, Hentai, Hentai, episode zero. So the prequel must have been like episode negative one. I want to pipe their lang before we actually get to the real hentai stuff. You love laying pipes. Yeah, that's the name of the next one. Hey, ho, ho. Ho, ho. It says, Hentai, laying pipe. Scott purchased three times by accident on three different- By accident?

- He got it on his Apple TV, then he bought it on his phone, then he bought it on his laptop. - He probably was an accident, he just doesn't understand it all goes down to all of them. - Exactly, you need an assistant, Scott. - To sort through my hentai? - Yeah, it's a big collection. - You need a hentai archivist.

Scott, you need an assistant. Listen, I am looking for more gig work. I could absolutely be your assistant. I would love that. I mean, you're obviously very good at what you do. It's hot as hell in here right now. We're sweating our little asses off. Everyone looks great, I must say. Yeah. Everyone looks tenuous. Having a hentai assistant would free up a lot of your time. Yeah, truly. Now, what would that entail, a hentai assistant? Just file everything under teeth with tentacles. Ha ha ha!

Although now that I think about it, you can't spell hentai without AI. Maybe I should just get a robot to do this. I don't like that. You also can't spell it without taint if you add an extra T. That's a good point. If you add an extra T. With that one caveat.

That one little caveat. There's always one. Well, Tony, it's great to have you. Can you stick around here? Of course I can, Scott. Because we have to take a break. Okay. But there's a lot of people who are still here, a lot of people who are coming. We have Jason Manzoukas. We have Hoover Persona. Scott, can I say one thing? Yes, of course. I really hope everyone that shows up has a song. I really do, too. When we come back, we're going to find out. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

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Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome back. We have Jason Manzuka's here, of course. Hooray! Hoover Persona is here. Tony Sony, of course. Hey, that was an ass thought. And we also have Ho Ho here. We're all doing their catchphrases. And Room Tome Tony, what's your catchphrase? Slay not like us. Slay not like us. Fuck Drake. All right. Great.

We have to get to our next guest. I want to welcome them back. We talked to them, I believe, last holiday season. Is that correct? Scott, why are you looking at me like that? I said I want a private meeting and you promised me there would be no other people in the room this year. I don't talk to anyone unless it's on a podcast. I'm so sorry. I got to turn my free time into this. But please welcome back my lawyer, Terry Allamander.

Hello. Hi, Terry. I guess lovely to be here. Yeah. Wonderful to have you. This is Jason Manzoukas. Great to see you again. Yeah. Last year. And working for you has been lovely. Thank you so much. And you have made my life so much easier. Well, when you respond to emails and you sort of take regular meetings. What kind of legal problems are you having?

you having i'm not they're not legal problems they're opportunities yeah well this is my lawyer my lawyer is making deals for me we're creating legal solutions yes okay great well yeah you should do that for me i would love to do that for you scott you keep saying fax me and then i i show up and all the faxes are going into the garbage can uh i mean facts like f-a-c-t

How am I supposed to know that? Send me facts is what I'm supposed to say. Send you facts? Well, fact. I got good news and bad news. What do you want? Can I have both? Yeah, good news. Okay, my daughter, we bought her a horse last year, and her horse had a baby. Congratulations. Wow. A foal? That is so cute. You've got a foal in the fam? Correct. Is that a foal in me? Okay, well, that's fun. And I've got a hole in me.

Oh, no. Take my card. I hope it's not a full hole. It could be. Bad news, you're being sued a lot. Wow. Uh-oh. It's the second year in a row and we're getting sued a lot. Who's suing me now? Well, should we jump right in? Let me just say, I've seen a lot of guests on this show. I've never seen a guest bring so much paperwork. I mean, they're up there. Reams. Mountains and mountains of books and dossiers. Yeah. Who's suing me? Well, okay. Well, let's go ahead and jump in here. January 24th.

Scott, you had a conversation. Of this year? Of this year. Okay. You had a conversation with Matilda Graveyman. Do you recall this conversation? Not really, to be honest. It was something, if I understand the phone call correctly, about the casting of your life rights, your movie. You had some input in who you wanted cast as you in your movie. I vaguely remember this. Well, here is the pull quote. Okay.

The ones I don't want you to get, Kevin Spacey, Jonathan Majors. Matilda then says, well, they're begging to play you, so it's going to be kind of hard. Scott, if the movie is a go, okay. Matilda, Spacey, Spacey is talented. Scott, the guy, the guy is good. Do you have to put every stammer in there? Every repeating of...

I cut this down a lot. Okay. Yeah, you actually said, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy, the guy is good. So yeah, you are being sued. Who would sue me for that? And don't use those in a transcript of this. The production company that had the life rights to your movie, which is Charles E. Entertainment Productions. They're suing me because they don't want Spacey in the movie? They're suing you because you said that and the movie fell apart.

Pardon me, what was the name of that company again? Chelsea? Chelsea Entertainment. Charles? Like Chuck E. Cheese? That would be correct. They're sort of moving in a different direction. Charles Entertainment Entertainment?

Yeah, so they're sort of moving into a different direction. They were trying to get some movies off the ground and they're sort of stating that this is the reason why they couldn't get more of their films off the ground. Whoa, was Kevin Spacey in those robot costumes the whole time? The whole time? The whole time? He had to get some work elsewhere. I can't speak to whether or not he was, but let's say maybe he was. Okay. Okay.

Well, I mean, that's unfortunate, but I think I can weather the storm with that if that's the only one. So they're looking to settle for $8 million or a heartfelt apology. Oh, well, you can do that right now. Go ahead. Nah, $8 million. Just settle. Just settle. Settle for $8 million. Way to go, Scott. That's the way to do it. I ain't apologizing for nothing. $8 million? You're going to have to do like six or seven more Scott Hasn't Seen episodes this year. Ah, well.

Okay, Scott, April 25th, 2024. You were having a conversation with God. Oh, yeah. I remember this. Yeah. Playing that game. Cloud Slam would be the game. Cloud Slam, yeah. And you were having a conversation with God, re-God's son, Jesus. Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah. So God says he's back now and he's Hilary Duff now. Scott, oh, cool. God. God.

He gets a new chance every once in a while because he's so pissed about that first time. Scott, oh, yeah, yeah. God, I keep giving him new chances. Scott, I kind of want to kill Hillary Duff. Wow. He kind of want to? Kind of want to? And when you said, oh, yeah, yeah, was that the Entourage theme song? Oh, yeah. You should sing it. Oh, yeah. I'm not a performer. I'm a superhero.

Wait, that doesn't make sense. All right, you changed the diction. Is Perry Farrell here? Don't punch me. Okay, you guys are really funny. Now I sort of get it. This is clever. I like this. Turtle, turtle. Oh, man. God, is it true? I guess I did say that. Scott, what was going through your mind here? Well, I mean, they killed Jesus. You're trying to kill Hilary Duff.

On air. Yeah, okay. And so yesterday. When you say they killed Jesus, who do you mean? Those human beings, of course. Okay, Scott, so you're being sued by Think Before You Speak and the Ad Council for homophobia by proxy because Hilary Duff solved homophobia with those commercials that she did. Do you remember that? Oh, I remember those. And so now that you're wanting to kill her, it's sort of like it's parlaying. Are those those Pepsi commercials?

Yeah, those Pepsi commercials that Hilary Duff did that sort of solved... Where she's in the protest? Oh, you're thinking of Kendall Jenner. Yeah, that's Kendall Jenner. That convinced me, though. Yeah, it convinced me, too. I said, world peace, please. This is the one where Hilary Duff is sort of hiding in a changing room, and there's two teens that are looking at each other's outfits going, that's so gay. And then Hilary Duff comes out and goes, is it gay or something like that?

She's like, don't think that. Think before you speak. And then at the end, she puts a flower in somebody's pee hole. Just like the Pepsi commercial.

I'll tell you what. Don't piss on my gay rights. Those commercials are very effective. I'd rather end all strife in the world than have a Pepsi. All right. How much are they suing me for? Scott, I was able to talk them down considerably. They are willing to settle for $8 million. $8 million. Oh, wow. What is that? Or a deeply heartfelt apology. You can do that right now. I had to talk them into this, and they seemed really, really excited about the heartfelt apology. All right. All right. All right. So we're at $16 million. $16 million.

I can do this. That's fine. Okay, perfect, perfect. I'll go ahead and let them know. We'll sort of loop in the accountant on that email you're not going to read. And that's just Comedy Bang Bang the book money?

That's just book money. Yeah, we haven't even gotten to the holiday sweater money yet. Oh, wow. I was hoping it never touched that, a la O.J. Leno. O.J. Leno? Well, let's hope you don't have to here. Are we ready? Yeah. What else do we have? Okay, so June 16th this year, and this one can't be right, is what I'm thinking. It's probably not. Okay, well, let's hope so. You were having a conversation with Detective Jack Cates. Oh, Cates, yeah. About a co-ed prison. Uh-oh. Yeah.

Do you remember this conversation? Vaguely, yeah. Did he ever find Gans? I don't think he found Gans. We all went up to San Francisco together. Well, that's neither here nor there because this was the quote that I was sent, Scott. This sounds like a dream to me to be like being in jail. Sorry, I'm going to start this one over. I wish I could have.

You can edit these podcasts, right? Our machine is broken. This sounds like a dream to me, like being in jail with, you know, dot, dot, dot, thousands of women, dot, dot, dot, one man, dot, dot, dot. What do you mean by that? I stand behind it.

Okay, so you're in a lucky position here because you're not being sued. Oh, great. It's a restraining order with money attached to it. Okay. A restraining order from women in prison? From women in prison. From women in all prisons? So I can't go to any prison anymore? Any co-ed prison. Anyone where they're doing a pilot program of a co-ed prison, you are not allowed to do that. I can just go to women's prisons? Yeah.

Oh, boy. Hey, I'm fine with this. I'm not. I'm going to take my headphones off. I'm not listening to any of this. I can't be a part of this. What else? Oh, that's not bad. I came in here today and said, I quit. And you stuffed a dollar in my mouth and said, technically, you're my legal counsel. I've retained you and you have to continue this conversation. I'm so sorry about that, but that's a loophole. The dollar is so wet now. Okay, so Scott, this is a restraining order. To be clear, the dollar started wet. That's, I mean... Can I have that dollar as a blanket? It's...

You are hilarious. I love you. Please take my card. Call me anytime. Anytime you need anything. I was very busy during the year. I'm busy during the year, but at Christmas time, I'm free. We can tell that this is a joke. You know what I'm saying? We can tell that this is funny. And if you said it with more of that type of like cadence or something like this, that's so much. Wait, tell me, is this funny? Is this funny? If it doesn't fit. Hey, you hear about this? Okay. That was OJ Leno. Is this funny?

How about this one? I'm gonna bring donuts to everybody. How about this one?

That's pretty good. I am passing my cards around the table. Hilarious. Just wonderful. I'm going to bring donuts to everybody. That's classic comedy. I love that. So Scott, it's a restraining order plus $8 million or, and I feel like a broken record at this point, one heartfelt apology. And you don't have to mean it. It just has to sound heartfelt. I am. Oh, he can't act. Don't do it, Scott. He can't act. Don't make that mistake, Terry. Go on, apologize. All right, so we're up to $24 million. All right.

Man, all right. Well, we're dipping into the... Unfortunately, we're dipping into the action figure fund. A heart... Just an apology. How about an apology? 24? All right. Tough. Add it to the bill. 24 mil. Scott, September 15th, recently. Oh, wow.

You were having a conversation with Seth Berkowitz and the Pine Saw Lady and Matt. It's so funny to hear the descriptions of this show just read calmly.

I'm not, listen, this is your guy, Terry. I'm just, I'm here. Terry, thank you for your service. Seth Berkowitz, who of course worked for a movie past. Yes. Um, uh, currently dipping into the AI pool, which you sounded very excited about on the podcast as a whole. Yeah. Well, you can't spell hentai without it. Okay, sure. Um,

So, Pine Saw Lady, to my recollection, is pitching new flavors. Chicken tikka masala was the flavor that sort of this exchange came after. You said, I don't know. These all sound disgusting. At first glance, Pine Saw Lady then interjects with, you sound disgusting, at which point you, from an audio medium, sounds like you get in her face and scream, fuck you, Pine Saw Lady. And then a physical fight ensues. I...

you know what? I don't like this to happen on the show, but every once in a while, someone gets in my face. And when confronted like that, what else am I supposed to do? Exactly. Sometimes you have to hit a woman, Scott. Do you want to take Tony as a client? Tony, Tony. Jesus. Well, sorry. What was I going to do?

Okay, I want to be mad, but a very funny graphic to you right now. Come on. Can you edit that out? Can you delete that? I don't think I can. Just hilarious. God's just like a little raccoon backed into a corner and he has no choice but to fly out.

Is that right? A lot like you flying around spitting in chimneys, right? Whoa. That's been debunked. That sounds more like me. I really hope that Hoover Persona does not write a circular about all of us. Persona. Persona, sorry. About all of us and all of the stuff that we've revealed. Yeah. Too late. Uh-oh. You've been on your typewriter this whole time. That's right. Clickety-clack.

Let's put that sound effect in throughout the last 30 minutes. So wait, so is the Pinesaw Lady suing me? Oh, okay. This is actually a little bit of good news. The Pinesaw Lady is giving you $400 to take boxing classes because she said your display of athleticism was so pathetic. Oh, that's good news. Yeah. So that's actually maybe a positive. So now you only owe $19,000. Well, I own $23 million. $23 million. So $22 million. $999,999.

I'm a lawyer, not a mathematician. We can sort of get the accountant to deal with that later. Okay. This is the last one. Okay. So if you're feeling okay about the settlement money so far. Yeah, I feel good. You still have so many piles and piles of documents. This is the last one? Well, this is the last one we have time for. Oh, I see. That makes sense. Okay. We'll get to the rest later. Once again, you gave me a really strict 15-minute time frame in order to give you all of this information. That's absurd. And we're running on 14 minutes right now.

When Terry and I do our end of the year meeting, it's like hours. We spend hours together. Jason, thank you for the gift. Oh, thank you. No, it meant the world to me. You're giving Terry gifts? Absolutely. I was a debate champion in high school and Jason found a little piece of the stage and made a frame for me. Can you believe that? That is so nice. I went out, I found it.

Where'd you find it? Huh? Where'd you find it? Well, I called the school. Oh, it wasn't just on the street? And I found out where it's located. I said, is it the same stage? They said yes. I went over there, sawed a piece of it off. So now there's a hole in the stage? I don't know. It's up to them to figure that out. Wow. It was so thoughtful. And a daughter. Sounds illegal. A photo of me and my daughter and the horse mama. So it was very, very cute. What about the baby horse? Huh? The foal hadn't been born yet. Huh?

The foal hadn't been born yet. Thank you for remembering. Oh, yeah. Believe me. Are you going to Photoshop the foal in there? Why would we Photoshop the foal in there? You should get the whole family. I think that's Photoshop. Okay. That was funny. Okay.

All right, what's this last one? Okay, last but not least, Scott, I know last year you were a little bit upset because there was some PI that I had hired to sort of make sure that I wasn't missing anything, had gone through your Instagram and sort of went back into your Instagram. Yeah, I'm still getting comments about apology accepted. And I hear you, and so I understand that maybe that was a little too much and a little invasive, so we did not go through your Instagram this time. Okay, good. Okay, thank you. All right, well, it's great to see you. On Tumblr in December 22nd, 2016. Oh, there's more.

Scott's Tumblr was huge. Still feels like Tumblr was kind of dead by 2016. Yeah, he was really holding on. You posted a selfie of yourself with a blanket and Apple TV and a CISO poster. Oh, no. Sounds like something CISO made me do. And you were doing a smile like this.

Oh, yeah, that doesn't look genuine. For the listeners, it looked like he was just showing teeth. That is how you smile. You know when you see a psychotic friend in a picture and it just looks like they're showing their teeth? It's this one here. Let me see it. You can see the whites of your eyes both on top and below. Can we see? Nope, nope, nope.

Can we see this? You look so young. The youth figure in that photo. You look so young. What happened? Kind of depressing. That was only eight years ago. Something happened in 2016 to really age your ass. I will say you have a lot of light in your eyes here. And you wrote, thanks, CISO TV, for the free Apple TV.

everyone can watch bajillion and take my wife on the new app yeah so see so pretty quickly after that folded uh and they're blaming me they're sort of thinking that this post specifically sort of scared a lot of people away from the platform and said if this is what the platform is doing i don't want to be a

part of it. It wasn't the interface on the actual app or anything like that? Nobody said anything about that. I think a lot of people, I remember at the time, there were a lot of articles and stuff that felt like they must assume that CISO was a hentai platform because of your vigorous promotion. Jason, you are so clever. Legally, how would you characterize...

If this is what the platform is doing, what were people interpreting that way? Well, I think it was more if the platform was spending their money there, they must be co-signing that. Oh, I thought they were going from the photograph and saying,

if the platform is going to do to me what it's done to this man, then I don't want it. And hey, it could have been a bit of that. There was a lot of writing about that. So, you know, we didn't even scratch the surface. I mean, imagine if you updated it with a photo of him now. This is CISO eight years later. So that's pretty huge. So there is actually a class action lawsuit of everybody that had a CISO account and maybe would have gotten a CISO account. I think that's 15 people. Yeah.

I did get a letter in the mail that said, hey, you might have had a CISO account. Do you want to join this class? So sort of we're counting like everybody that has ever taken a UCB class or has considered taking a UCB class. So it's a lot of people, unfortunately. Anybody who is there to watch shrink. Yeah, exactly. So it really it is. It is going to be eight million dollars per person. They're not getting people who've watched shrinking, are they? Oh, yeah. That's just a small.

They've been included in preliminary discussions. We'll see if that pans out. Anybody named Brian is going to be included in this. So if you own a flannel shirt, you can be compensated. What are they asking for? So I was really able to do some good work on this. And it's either going to be $8 million per person

Or, Scott, and I'm just saying, you really need to consider this a sincere thank you. There is not enough money in the bank. All right. A sincere thank you. Okay. Sorry. All right. A sincere thank you to me for doing the work. And a sincere apology.

Two things? They want me to thank you? Well, they think it would be nice if you did every once in a while. They think or you think? Well, I'm just saying a lot of people think it would be nice if you said they're going to Are you part of this class action lawsuit? Do you not see the amount of flannel I'm wearing right now? Oh my god.

All right, look, I have to, if anyone out there is listening. He's getting down on his knees. Oh my God, look at those. His mouth is opening wide. Whoa, he's putting his arms behind his face. He's unzipping the wall. He's taking down his sweats.

He's got a corn top. Why is he wearing all sweat? He's wearing a full sweatsuit. A juicy, a juicy sweat. It's a sweatsuit wetsuit. He's unzipping his juicy couture. I just put on a juicy couture sweat hat. I mean, it makes sense that we're all sweating so much in here. Thank you, Rube Don Tony. I turned the lights off 10 minutes ago. This guy's still sweating

Look at him, he's taking off his platform Crocs. Can I get to this? It's like broadcast news level. Did you just stuff another dollar in my mouth? You can see he set his ego aside. Something's coming. He's undoing his rhinestone collar. What's he gonna do with that headband with the bow? Wiping his makeup.

he's moving on the earring. I've never seen him this raw and vulnerable. He's curling his eyelashes. This is my Mrs. Doubtfire outfit. There's a single tear rolling down his face. He's putting on the Lenny Kravitz scarf. Ha ha ha!

He's getting tangled. He's falling. And he's trying to rip his pants open. He's tangled in the scarf, and he's really struggling. It's getting longer. It looks like the one Mark wears in red. Pulling up that whale tail. Okay. Look, if you're listening. He's putting on a boot. He's putting on the boot from when he broke his leg. What?

He's bouncing around on his good foot? He's putting it on and off like he's jerking off his broken foot? Wait, he is wearing a diaper! He's wearing a pull-up! Sorry, Hoover. Where did that boogish necklace come from? Look, if you're out there listening and you're part of the class action lawsuit, I just want to say...

Call my accountant, baby. We're dipping into the Creek Slam sit record money. I know that's supposed to be Harris's, but I'm going to pay off everyone with it. Wow. You all get $8 million. Enjoy it. So if you consider that an apology, please go find Scott's Tumblr. Please go down to 2016, December 22nd and reblog either in a quote, a quote, reblog or a reblog. It is. Oh, as of this morning.

November 9th. Go take a look. Go ahead and reblog that. Let us know whether or not you accept Scott's apology or you will be taking the money. They took away all the porn, but they said, let's leave one disgusting thing out. I can't believe I didn't mention his long French manicure. That's always there. All right, Terry. And his fresh blowout. Thanks so much. We're going to see you next year, I hope.

Hey, let's hope not. Let's hope I'm dead by then. Okay. And then, Terry, I'll see you soon. I'll see you soon for holiday dinner. Okay, and thank you so much for the invite. My daughter and the horse and the horse baby are so excited. I have so much room because I also, like, of course, I have Christmas dinner with horses. So I'm so glad two more horses is nothing. Okay. Well, you are a good one. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, we need to take a break. Thank you so much, Terry. Ho-ho, are you? I've got a go-go.

Oh, no. Wake me up before then. Wake me up, ho-ho, because I'm not jizzing on any snow, snow. All right, ho-ho. We'll see you later. I love you, everyone. All right, we're going to come right back, though, with even more guests. If you can believe it, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here, of course. The Hainong Man himself. The holiday Hainong Man is here. We heard a beautiful holiday Hainong Man song earlier that will now become baked into every Christmas episode. Of course, and I hope that we sing it to each other every time we see each other from now on. I would love to, and we must remember it now, right? Of course. And... Oh, God, I already forgot if you can imagine. We also have Hoover Persona is here. Happy holidays to one and all. You don't have to...

You don't sound sincere when you say that. Hooper persona is fading. If you're telling me I don't sound sincere from a deli owner, that's a rave. Sorry.

We also have Tony Sonia's here. Scott, I just want to say, I didn't compliment you on your outfit. You look absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much. All the time you took. I just want you to know, we see it. We recognize you. You look fucking amazing. Thank you. I feel seen. Thank you so much for that. You're welcome. That's wonderful. We also have, of course, Room Tone. Tony is here. That's right. Say it ain't cold.

Your jizz is a heartbreaker. Wow. All right. We have to get to our next guest. Never spoken to this gentleman before. He's a Reddit user. Please welcome Papa Mia.

Hi, Scott. Hi, Papa. Is that Papa or Papa Mia is your full name? Whatever you prefer, whatever rolls off the tongue for you. And you'd prefer to be anonymous. You don't want to give us your real name. Yeah, yeah. This is your internet. I'm talking about some personal stuff today, and so I've tried to remain anonymous for me, but also for all the people I'm speaking about. Oh, got it. Okay, great. This is Hoover Persone, by the way. Oh, nice to meet you, Hoover. Yeah. He's checking his watch, checking his Apple watch.

Are you getting a message on your Apple Watch? What's happening? This isn't an Apple Watch. Oh, no? What is it? It's just a little cartoon I keep on my wrist. I look at it, and I wish that's where I could be sometime. You wish you were four guys sitting around a fire, and one of them is saying, this guy just uttered a discouraging word? Exactly. I wish I was in Gary Larson's Farsighted. Oh, man.

Cow tools. It's kind of like right now, you know, a bunch of guys sitting around the table. Yeah, we were just bros being bros. Absolutely. Just bro-ing out. I love that. That's actually perfect for me. Not the dicks on the table part, but if that makes you comfortable. Who wouldn't be comfortable?

It's funny to have to fully turn to find a voice every time. Every time I'm like, okay, I'm facing this way, and then the voice conjures me around. You don't have to turn around to address it. That's what the headphones are for, dear. Oh. Dear. How have we gone this long before a dear?

So, Papo, you're on Reddit and you... Well, I'm just so glad to be around so many trusted people here because I wanted to come on the show because I do a lot of ask me anythings on Reddit. But more so, am I the assholes on Reddit? Oh, A-I-T-H. They put an H in there? They put the H in there. Why? Capital H for that hole. Yeah.

Exactly why. As big as your fucking head. Is asshole two words, technically? Well, that when they bleep in the 90s, when they would bleep it in movies, like at the end of I Come in Peace and the guy says you leave in pieces, asshole, they would always bleep the whole part, but not the ass part. Well, of course, that movie. We know. We all know that. You know I Come in Peace. You didn't even have to finish that. I mean, like, yeah. No, duh. No shit, but like answer the question. Come on, Papa Mia. Yeah.

So you believe you're some sort of asshole? He's an alien, and at the end he's saying, I come in peace. It's the name of the movie also. And they finally destroy him and they explode him. The alien and I come in peace. Ha!

Is Alien played by an actor that we know? It might be Chris. Who's Highlander? Did you say this? Lambert. Christopher Lambert. Is this at the end of the movie? Yeah. So this is a spoiler. He waits until the very end to say, I come in peace. But they said, let's make that the title. Yeah, well, I don't remember if they say it a lot in the movie. I think they wanted people to wait. That's why you go to movies, right, is to hear the title. And I've left so many movies early. JFK. Then you walk right out. Yeah.

So you think you're some sort of asshole? Well, I don't know. Sometimes in my relationship, we get into arguments and fights, and I go to Reddit. But those are anonymous people, and I want to look some people face-to-face and read my posts and just see if you can advise me on some of the stuff I'm going through. We'll give it to you straight. Great. Especially Hoover over here. I'm looking back. You may not like what I have to say. That's okay. I'm willing to hear the truth from you all.

Am I the asshole? This is a post I wrote. Oh, there's more. Am I the asshole for insulting my girlfriend's cooking? I, male 33, have been with my girlfriend, female 67, for one year. Now, hold on. Who said hold on? No, me, but keep going. I was just reacting. Let's call her Garla.

What? Stunning name. My girlfriend, Garla, takes very good care of me. Though I am the sole provider for our household, literally and figuratively, I make all the money and I cook for my girlfriend. She loves filet of sole, which I prepare.

These guys are just masters of penmanship. My lovely girlfriend does so much to take care of me. I'm talking washing my clothes, soothing my fragile eagle after a tough day. Oh, and she's known. Is it legal to own an eagle? A fragile one at that? Are you a veterinarian?

E-G-O, like id, ego. Oh, I see. Got it. I don't own an eagle. Super eagle. Yes, one of the great. Id, eagle, and super eagle. Anywho, she does so much for me, all those things, and soothing my fragile ego after a tough day. Oh, and she's no stranger to some experimentation in the sack. Wait, that's a weird oh. Oh, and she's no stranger, like, as if it's just a,

occurred to the writer oh this is with my mind oh let me lead with that oh i do that all the time like in an email or a text i'll like say something and be like sorry this was such a long message instead of just editing it down i'll apologize for all the reading after that okay got it and then it's like they were there with me uh anywho last night my girlfriend made dinner let's call it bazaar and it was um what not great i'm trying to keep her anonymous um the noodles were hard

She replaced one of the ingredients with ketchup, and instead of ground beef, she used whole potatoes. I did my best to act polite and eat it, but when she noticed I didn't clean my plate like normal, she got mad. So am I the asshole? Well, I mean, my first question is, and because this might be the presumption of the person writing this letter or this whatever, this post, is that might be lasagna.

Have you had lasagna? Have you ever had lasagna before? That's a dish that might be served with whole potatoes and maybe ketchup. That is an interesting take. This is a post that I personally wrote. Got it. He's trying to protect the... I'm trying to protect the anonymity of my wife. Your girlfriend or your wife didn't call it lasagna. But you're also trying to protect the identity of lasagna? Yeah, that's what's confusing me. I'm going to tell you something right now. I have made lasagna before. That is a recipe for lasagna.

Oh, so, okay, so that must have been my post. You are the asshole. You're the asshole. That's why all the comments on my post were, that's Buzania. Yep, that's Buzania. You're the asshole. That's Buzania. That's Buzania. Hey, can I ask you a question? Like those commercials for Olive Garden. Oh, that's Buzania. When you hear that, it's Buzania. Yeah, and that was originally what they said on Big Bang Theory.

Instead of Bazinga? Instead of Bazinga, it was Bazaña. He mispronounced it. Yep, but Big Bazaña came after them and said, nope, nope, nope. Can you 180 turn back to me? I got a question for you. How is she? I am in a neck brace, but yeah, I'll do my best. Turn around like Batman. How is she experimental in the bedroom and how is that related to what you were just talking about?

Oh, I just thought I would give some background on history. Honestly, it just felt like you wanted to sneak that in. Now that I know it's about you, that seems like an open door you're waiting for all of us to walk through. What are the experiments she's doing? Oh, you know when you're spooning and your bodies get close to each other? Sure. If you do it right.

How do you spoon when your bodies are far apart? I guess you're like a, you know, I can't think of one. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Wow. Papa Mia, are you okay? No, I get it. I mean, it probably doesn't exist. It's probably not a real thing. I think spooning is when you're close. I've never seen anyone that flustered in my entire life. That must be how they spoon. Trying to panic to make eye contact with everyone in the room.

It's got to be hurting the neck. I think that's because we spooned with her. Do you guys have any? I drank the whole pitcher of water already. Does anybody have any water I can use here? No, we don't have any more water. Sorry. But yeah, so sometimes we'll spoon and I'll get aroused during the spooning. And she won't shove me off the bed or slap my hard thingy. She won't slap you in the penis. Or slap me in the penis. And that's experimental. That's experimental.

Wait. Okay, wait. Why are you making such aggressive eye contact with everyone? He's looking around like we're insane. He's trying to find an ally. He's doing this. He's doing emoji this guy. Like, am I right? What the hell is wrong with you people? Is this emoji called am I right? I'm trying to find an ally to this.

- In this room? - We love to be allies. - I got you, man. - You gotta turn to Tony Sony. - Tony Sony knows what happened. - I got you, I know exactly what you're talking about. - But I love my wife very much and I think that's why that specific was in there. - Oh, you lost me. I don't fucking want my wife, no. - Do you have a gumar? Do you have a girlfriend, side piece? Mistress? - Oh, I would not dare. I would not dare. - Tony Sony, how do you feel about that? - That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You need a gumar immediately.

They had so many problems with them. My understanding is you marry women who look nothing like your mom and then all your gommars look exactly like your mom but 30 years younger, right? Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, exactly. It's just hard to find women that look like my mom, I guess. What does she look like? Have you seen Weird Science? No shit. No. Okay, well, look up Bill Paxton at the end of this. It's tough. It's got to be Jeff, right? All right. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

I've got to find some, I've got to get unity on one movie with somebody here. The end of one movie. Yeah, both ends of the movie. Are you only watching ends of movies? Yeah, that's where they say the name usually. At the beginning of Weird Science. This is some weird science. Yes. Do you have another am I the asshole? I think you might be the asshole in that one. Yeah, you are the asshole in that one. I hate to hear it, but I will apologize to my wife. Do you have another one though? Am I the asshole for prioritizing video games over my girlfriend's son?

I, male 33, need some advice desperately. My girlfriend, female 67, let's call her Garla, and I have a very happy relationship.

She makes me laugh. We love all the same movies, parentheses, where my two guns heads at. And she almost always... What is two guns? I haven't heard of any of these movies. Two guns is a Denzel Mark Wahlberg movie. Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg is two guys who you think they're bad guys at the beginning, but it turns out they're both secretly working for the government and they have to take on a bad guy played by the guy from...

Battlestar Galactica. Which Battlestar Galactica? The new one. Oh, okay. I was going to say Lauren Green? That's not enough guns, I have to say. Richard Hatch? You'll be disappointed when they say the title then. These are two guns. Walk this way. That's a song that plays over the credits. Wow. You have such recall for the end of movies.

If you only watch the end, you can remember. Total ending recall. Whoa. Whoa. Where was I? Oh, let's say movies, parentheses, where my two guns heads at. She almost always flushes the toilet after number twos. Oh, and when it comes to the bedroom, nothing is off limits.

However... Now, in the post, how is that a size? How is that conveying? Is that italicized? Is it smaller font? I used the gentle effect that you said on iPhone text messages. Yeah, so it kind of comes in big. I love that. So you're like, nothing's off limits. That's a great delivery of that. Thank you. You were describing the slam effect. Yeah, oh...

Not the whisper. I think you want the whisper. Ken Burns effect on that. You're right. I'm sorry. I apologize. You said text with Ken Burns effects? Yes, exactly. So hard to read them. They all sound like Peter Coyote.

However, my girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her son, male 33. Let's call him John with an H. I feel that I spend quite a bit of time with John. This person's name is John without an H. Is that what you're saying? I want to remain anonymous both for them and myself. I feel that I spend quite a bit of time with John. He shows me his extensive sword collection. I still let him wrestle me even though I've never won and last time he chipped my tooth on a lifestyle statue of Johnny Depp as Tonto in the Lone Ranger.

After an exhausting work day, I just want to play an hour of video games. But Garla insists that if I don't spend that time listening to John's bass practice, he almost has the entire first 30 seconds of Man in a Box by Alice in Chains, then John won't get a full night's sleep and he'll be too tired to... Wow, wow, wow, wow. You know my art at this point. Wow. Is that the ending of a movie? Oh!

So tell me, am I the asshole? That's going to be, it's complicated. Where's this statue located? The one of Johnny Depp? Yes, life size. In the half bathroom. Whose statue is it?

Is it yours? Who does it belong to? Yeah. No, it's her son's. Yeah, it's my girlfriend's son's. Why is it in the half bath? Why is it in the half bath? I mean, half baths are pretty small. That's my argument. Yeah. I don't know why it's in there and I don't know why we're wrestling in there. And is the half bath the place that she decides to not flush her number twos? Because you said...

almost always flushes the number twos. And I'm trying to think, what's the logic behind it? I feel like it's so hard to find out if I'm the asshole. You guys get so caught up on all these extraneous details. Go ahead. How many rings and scarves and eyeliners Johnny Depp wear in the picture? Oh, well, yeah, it is a statue of him, but then he won't let you buy it unless you can cover it in rings and scarves and he looks like Leigh Bera.

Aerosmith guy. Okay, good. Yeah, that's what I want to hear. So it's a life-size Johnny Depp statue in a half-bathroom where sometimes there's shit in the toilet. Who's life, by the way? When you say life-size, who's life? Whose life is it anyway? Because if it's a bug's life...

If it's a bug's life, it's tiny. Oh, no. And it is Johnny Depp as Tonto. But you still put rings and scarves on. You're supposed to put, you have to legally put rings and scarves on. I think what we're all saying is you're the asshole. Yeah, I think you're the asshole. It's like an equation. Sorry.

Okay. Let the wife shit in the toilet and leave it there. Yeah. Get over it. That's what Johnny Depp wants. He wants to look at it just like the shit that was on his bed. Exactly. He loves this. And you said nothing is off limits in the bedroom. I have to. I really don't want to talk about it, but I mean nothing. Okay. Kissing. Smooching. Snogging. Snogging. All right. Wow. So not just French kissing, but British kissing? British kissing. Wow.

Sorry that we came down so hard on you. Do you have another one? I don't have another Am I the Asshole because I got ashamed from those, but I can find another post I wrote just on Reddit. I hope it resets Garla for a third time.

Okay, how can I shift this really quickly? How old are you, Papa Mia? 33. So the same age as Garlis' son, John. Yes. Jesus Christ, when he died. Oh, no. Wait, spoilers? I'm so sorry. Oh, no. Are you sorry? Are you midway through the Bible? I haven't gotten to the part where they say the title yet, so I'm still reading it. Oh, no.

That comes in Revelations. Oh, what a revelation. Yeah. All right. Let me just scroll here. This is my comment on an Ask Me Anything from John Stamos. Comment on a John Stamos Ask Me Anything. What are you asking, John? Is it just a comment or are you asking him stuff? No, just love your work on the Beach Boys. Love the Beach Boys. Wait, Stamos is your favorite Beach Boy? Yeah.

I guess so. I mean, well, it's Stamos and then the kind of unreleased tapes that Manson gave them. Okay. Yeah. Okay. The stuff that turned into the Dennis Wilson song. Yes. Right before he sadly died. As long as you're not a big Mike love head. No, no. I'm more like Mike hate.

Why are you looking at all of us again? I don't want this. So much. Your fucking neck brace is starting to get bloody. Because I always have to look for approval from people. So I straightened my neck. I straightened my neck on a flight.

We got to get you in here with Bob Duke. All my elements are related to just get making eye contact with people. All right. What is, what is this? All right, here we go. Uh, our aquariums help Japanese rice fish being aggressive. I male 33. I'm a proud owner of an aquarium. Recently, my Japanese rice fish fish one month. Let's call him Bilbo Baggins. Oh,

Began showing... What's his actual name then? Wait, I think I know who this fish is. It's Bill... Oh, fuck. One month old? Bleep it. Bleep it. Lives in a house with Carla? Oh my God. Bleep it. He began showing signs of aggression. He's territorial over food, he's bullying my koi, and he's showing signs of casual racism. Oh, shit. I've checked nitrogen levels and they're all normal. Last weekend, my girlfriend, female 67, let's call her Darla...

Wait. Darla? Oh, this is a different person. Now, this is interesting. Maybe it's Carla? Met up with my ex- Marla Maples? Is it Marla Maples? Bleep it. Please bleep it. Bleep it. Bleep it. She met up with my ex-wife, female, age unknown. Let's call her Dennis. And they got into an argument. I'm really confused now. Maybe Denise? Bleep it! They

They got into an argument about the fact that even though Dennis and I are divorced, she still lets me use her login for a certain app. Let's call it Disney Minus. Okay, this one I think I know. To watch my favorite movie. I bet it's Peacock. D2 Mighty Ducks starring, let's call him Emilio Sheen. How does it end? It turns out the mean guy has a kid in a wheelchair, so that's why he's mean. What? What?

I think it actually, I think it ends with all of them sitting around a fire singing. We are the champions. Well, the credits are on. But I don't know. That's just a guess. If you were writing it. If it was me, I don't know. And you leave in pieces, asshole. Wow. Anyway, I'm worried that their argument made my fish aggressive. Any solutions would be great. Thank you. Solutions to the fish being racist? Yeah, casually.

I don't know that we have any solutions for this particular one, but you do sound like the asshole. You said you checked the nitrogen levels. Is an excess of nitrogen make people racist? Is that like a fix? Can we do something? Can we just take nitrogen out of the world? We have to alert the Fast and Furious franchise. Oh, wow. Yeah. Because they're like full of it. Those Nas canisters? Oh, my gosh. What would you alert them about? What would you say to them?

I would say, hey, all that nitro is making Dom. I don't know if nitrous oxide is the same as nitrogen. I mean, I just don't understand. I mean, you have to admit they have the first four letters. You gotta believe me. Roomtone Tony was saying during the break that he has a chemical engineering degree. I did, yeah.

I don't really use it. I don't really use it. I kind of just put up lights. Can I ask a question? Yeah, please do. What are the names of the other characters in the Fast and the Furious franchise? Well, of course you got Dom. We all love him. You've got Letty, of course. Oh, Letty. Yes. You've got Han. You've got Brian. R.I.P. Thank you for picking up the slack.

I may have only known Dom. You've got Hobbs and Shaw. You've got Han. You've got Han and getting justice for him. You've got Giselle. You've got Giselle, RIP legend, but she's back, baby. She's back. Who's the rock again? Hobbs. Hobbs, oh yeah. And we've got the Shaw brothers and sister and mother. Now the whole Shaw family is in the mix. Owen Shaw, Deckard Shaw. And you mentioned Brian. There's also a baby Brian.

There's baby Brian. Oh, that's right. And the sister. And now let's name the black characters. Well, Dom is multiracial. That's the name of his production company. That's insane. Well, Papa Mia, what's your actual name? Well, let's call me... Why are you looking at the paper? Did you write it down in your bird notebook? David Chevelle.

David Chevelle. Chevelle. So David Chevelle?

He didn't say beef. That's actually it. I'm so sorry that we figured out that you're the asshole. I have no recourse for your fish here. I know you didn't mention this in the fish post, but it sounds to me like Darla is a freak in the sheets. What's her real name? Her real name, Garlic? Yeah, Garlic. Garlic, 67. Horny.

Well, Papa Mia, thank you so much for coming. Unfortunately, we are running out of time with your segment. We need to move on to our next guest. I'm done. I read them all. You read them all? Yeah, yeah. Fantastic. All right. He read it. Read it. Whoa. Speaking of read it, our next guest is an author whose books I have not read.

But I've talked to her once in Glasgow, I believe. Please welcome back to the show. We have, of course, Elsbeth Connors. Elsbeth Connors. Yes. Hi, Scott. Hi, everybody. Hi, Elsbeth. Hi, everybody. Hi. I'm currently absolutely loving the TV show Elsbeth, and that's the first time I've met an Elsbeth, so this is the second time.

What a delight. Oh, well, that's great. Yeah, there's two of us at least. I love it. One of them a fictional character, of course, and one real life you. That's right. Well, there's two of us at least in some manner of using the name. Yes, yes. It's true. Now, you're an author. You write a very particular- Romanticy, Scott? Yes, genre. Romanticy. Romanticy, Scott. The beautiful marriage of sexy scenes and high fantasy. That's right. And this is a good marriage. This is not a- Oh, it's a beautiful-

- A marriage where everyone's being cold to each other. - No, no, this is a loving, loving marriage between dragons and dragons having sex. - What are some of the names of your books, if you don't mind me asking? - Oh no, so my series is called A Kingdom of Whispers and Sighs. - And that's S-I-Z-E or? - No, S-I-G-H-S. - Oh, okay. - Sighs. - Thank you so much. - Whispers and Sighs. - Whispers. - Whispers and Sighs.

Skies. That's right. A kingdom of whispers. Kingdom. Right? Whispers. Right? Skies. Have you thought about having Scott do the audiobooks? I think that would be great. Actually, that would be great. Oh, I would love that. Could you read about the water prints?

I guess so. What's the water prince up to? Well, that's what, yes, that's what my story is about. A mortal girl who falls in love with a water prince. With a water prince, that's right. Yes, and they have to. But actually, right now, I've written a holiday novella. It's disconnected from the kingdom of whispers and sighs. What? This is new for you. Yes, yes. Oh, and holiday themed. I love that. That's right. This is incredible. Okay. So this is a kingdom of Holly and Ivy. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Interesting. And it follows. It follows. It follows. Have you seen that? No, too scary. What about you? What about you, Papa Mia? Yeah, how does it end? It follows. Yeah, literally. He's just walking around at the end.

So this follows what now? The characters of- - This is the kingdom of Holly and the kingdom of Ivy. They're Ivy nymphs and warring families for generations and how they make love on the evening of tinsel. - Oh, wow.

So it's got a little Romeo and Juliet in there, a little warring families. Absolutely, yes. Wow. Yes, deep lore. And they all... You might have known, I talk to you a lot about what some of my compatriots are doing in the romantic space. Yeah, we talk a lot. How when dragons fuck and you feel it. Yeah. Okay, so in this...

In this world, when snowflakes fuck, they feel it. Wow. Okay. Yes. So they're paired. All of the Ivy and Holly nymphs are paired to snow flurries. So they're snow flurry warriors. And when they're snow flurries fuck, they feel it. And we all know snowflakes are complete. Each and every one of them is totally unique. That's right. Yeah. So actually, unlike pairing with a dragon, like in my friend's work, Fourth Wing, unlike pairing with a dragon, when you pair with a snowflake, it's a momentary burst of power.

Okay. And then you have to repair all the time to a new snowflake. That's true. And when they fuck, they feel it. Oh, okay. Yeah. So that's important. Is a snowball an orgy? Is a snowball an orgy? Great question. Yes. Wow.

And a snowman I can't even talk about When snowflakes fuck Does it warm them up And do they thus melt And that's the energy that is produced Are you familiar with I believe orgasm in French means tiny death This is the same idea So they fucking immediately die Le petit mot And then it's over It's beautiful That's why you got an itch

That's right. Thank you, Tony. Tony's over there like really manspreading.

It's taking up like three chairs. Do you read any romantic, Tony? Oh, absolutely. Me and my guma, we read everything together. That's great. Maybe listen to the audio book on long drives. Will do. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm absolutely. I'm fucking hard right now. I love reading soft core pornography at the airport. Yes, that's my favorite thing to hear from fans is that they do get nervous when they read my work in public. And

At the airport, listening in a grocery store, on a jog where suddenly you have to stop. Yeah. Because it's too horny, Scott. Are people buying other things like Playboy magazines and putting them in front of the books? Yes, they're like, you can't know that I'm reading ACOTAR. Instead, I'm looking at this old nudie magazine. It's better. It's better that way.

Wow. So how's it do? I mean, this is just released. It's just released. You know, it's I don't know if you know this, but we write a ton of books in the romantic space. We're always turning them out. So I started this three weeks ago and it's already in the New York Times bestseller. Yes, it started on TikTok. I started just reading passages on TikTok, got a quick publishing deal. Now it's out. So you can buy A Kingdom of Holly and Ivy, the story of the Holly and Ivy nymphs who pair with snowflake flurries. And when the snowflakes fuck, they feel it.

That's the subtitle. Yep. Wow. Okay. Does this story, because I feel like a lot of these larger stories are interconnected. Does this end up connected to your main series at all? Or is this totally separate? Great question. Is this a good jumping on point for new people? Oh, great question. She's about to answer your question. Great question. I love it. Shut the fuck up. I love the whole thing. No, yes. But what I want.

- But I wanna know! - Keep going, more, more, more! - Oh my God, I'm gonna cum! - Stop edging! - Perfect, perfect! - Slow down, Tony Snow. - Now slow down, now slow down. Now what if instead I gave you the answer like this? So yes, because what is water but one part of the molecules that also make snow?

I gotta go. Oh my God. I gotta go. Holy shit. I would say if you're new to my work, if you haven't read any of the books in the Kingdom of Whispers and Sighs, you could jump on to read A Kingdom of Holly and Ivy and yes, eventually the worlds will connect. Thank you. Great question. I know I'm just a guest here, but I have to say I'm incredibly upset. Oh. I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry to hear that. - Why, what's going on? - Papa Mia. - But examine why you're upset, 'cause probably you're an asshole. - Yeah. - We'll see, am I the asshole? - Okay. - Books like this create unrealistic expectations for the readers, that they're going to get some deep pleasure from ice, snow, things outside of their marriage,

because they're not getting it within their marriage. And then they have these fantasies that they bring into the bedroom and other people can't live up to. Is Darla reading those books? Garlic. Let me ask you this. Papa Mio? She's reading Garlic? Is Garlic reading? What's your name? Nick Papa Giorgio? Papa...

Papa Mia is my Reddit name. Papa Mia, Papa Mia. Now, when Garlic comes to you and says, hey, wouldn't it be fun if you and I pretended to be Holly and Ivy, that's intimidating for you? Incredibly, yeah, yeah, because I have to read the whole book and learn all the backstory. Oh, well, this one's a novella. Okay, how long is that? It's only 46 pages. And you can listen to it. And you can listen to it on 1.5. Okay, okay. You know?

Is that how it's meant? Did you write it for high speeds? You can. Yes, yes. That's how it's recorded. Yes. Okay. It's not recorded like extra slow. So when you speed it up, it's just normal. I mean, if you listen to it at 0.75, you're a nasty freak. You actually might be an edgelord. But I will say sometimes I want to listen to your books slower so that they last longer like this.

We all hope we could. That's right. Last longer. That's right. And I'm open to that. You play these books at whatever speed, and I do prefer you play them. Because if you read them too closely, you'll think, that's a weird syntax choice. But if you listen to them, oh, very wonderful. And you're one of those authors who reads the book first before writing it. That's right. And then it's just transcribed. That's right, yes. You do the audio book first. That's right. I start on TikTok by just saying...

Holly woke up that morning. She knew there was something wrong in the air. Fuck, I gotta go. I gotta go. I have a question. Thank God Ho-Ho isn't here. From one writer to another, are any of your romantic books Romana Claps? Oh, God. He loves Romana Claps. I don't know what to say. I gotta say, I don't know what that means. It's a thinly veiled version of a real life. Oh. Where you change the names and everything.

Well, I would say that most of us are drawn from our own life, years of repression and then finally feeling free. So in that way, yes, I think most romantic authors, they bring a lot of their personal life into their stories, imagining a world where everyone's a sexy little freak instead of a repressed, formerly religious woman. Yeah.

Now let me ask you this. Are you working on anything for the New Year's holiday? Because I know that's the next one. Oh, shall we do one right now? I think maybe. Let's see. My main story is about a water print. This is about snow flurries and snowflakes that you can pair with and when they fuck you feel it. So it seems like perhaps for New Year's I need something in steam. Oh, shit. Vapor. Oh, they're all vaping. They're all vaping. A kingdom of vape and steam.

- I'm gonna tell you, I'm already fucking hard with this. - But maybe also like some bubbles from champagne. - Oh, that's good. - Oh, that's perfect. - I like that. - I love this. - Effervescence. - The clock was approaching midnight. The champagne bottle had condensation on its side, its drips dripping down the edge of the bottle. The cork was about to burst. When it did, vapors extended into the air, falling on everyone's noses, making them sneeze.

- Achoo! - Wow. - Holy shit. - A sneeze is but a tiny orgasm. - That's what they say. That's what they say, Scott. - This is incredible. - Tony? - Tony, come on. - When did Tony's shirt come off? - Give me a pizza, I gotta put my dick in it, get rid of my fucking boner. - Coming this New Year's, a kingdom of vapor and steam. - Wow. - A New Year's novella. - Wow. - Wow. - When the vapor fucks, you feel it. - Makes sense.

Well, this is, I mean, it's an honor to have you here. This is, uh. Well, thank you. Yeah. I'm, I'm happy. I love the holiday season. I'm glad you're happy. Yeah. I get to write a sexy book and then go back to taking care of my four children. You've had sex, right? Yes. I have four children. You could have adopted. Sure. I have, I have a bunch of children and I've had a bunch of sex. A bunch? Really? Yes. Now, now that I'm living my new life. Okay, cool. Can I ask you a question? Of course. Is anything off limits in the bedroom? Oh. Oh. Uh.

Well...

I don't know. I suppose not. No, I don't think so as long as everyone's down. You like to experiment? That's right, as long as everybody's here for the party. Let me ask you something. You ever spooned with somebody, but they're not next to you? They're maybe at the other end of the fence? You guys are both separate spoons in different drawers. What's the furthest away from someone you've ever spooned? Ah, that's interesting. Yes, I suppose one time whilst camping, my husband and I were only touching feet. And we went outward.

I gotta go. Well, guys, we have to get to our next guest. This is a lot of new people on this show today. This is incredible. We've never spoken to this gentleman before. Please welcome Glenn. You're a schoolteacher. Yes, that's right, Scott. Schoolteacher, Glenn. A schoolteacher, yes. My name is Glenn, and that's my occupation. What subject, Glenn? I'm a fifth grade teacher, so I teach all the general subjects. So we're talking arts.

I actually don't teach art. Jim. No, I don't do Jim. Music? No, there's actually another. We don't do Spanish in my elementary school. So I don't do any of those. I don't do art. So you don't do all. Yeah, philosophy. You don't do everything. I don't do philosophy. Do you serve them lunch at the end?

Art history? No art history. Women's studies. No women's studies. Photography? No, we don't cover photography. Culinary arts? Not a... African American studies? No, we can't even think about it. Cryptozoology. We don't do cryptozoology. You seem like you don't teach very much. Stand up, you do...

I don't teach stand-up comedy to my... Improv 101? No, I don't teach... You don't? Improv 101 too? I don't teach improv... I gotta say, your demeanor, I'm really thinking I could take Improv 101. I don't know where you're getting that from. He looks like an improv teacher. Yeah, he does. No, I'm a fifth grade teacher. I teach reading, some basic math. Get close to that mic. Some science, reading, math, science, some history, literature.

Some history, like what? When you say some, what do you mean? Well, I mean, don't teach all history. I mean, there's so much. But like what? Like what are you teaching? I teach some basic American history. Basic American. Basic American, some basic world history. Basic world. Basic history, though, not like complicated history. Nothing complicated. Like what? Like if I left your class after a year, what would I know? You'd be ready for sixth grade, Scott. You'd be, you would know about George Washington and our founding fathers. Like what?

I think back on why would I teach? We teach that America was breaking away from the monarchy and we didn't want kings. But what about George Washington? You mentioned him. What about him? We don't spend a ton of time. He's the first president and he never told a lie. That's one thing we teach him. Come on, tell me more about him. I want to know everything. That's all you teach. What about what he liked to eat for breakfast? We don't get into what George Washington didn't like to eat for breakfast. If he fucks, do you feel it? No.

Only if he fucks another president. Do you get into like, yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, I got a President's Day novella. Oh, boy. Get ready for March, baby. The tale of presidents and primaries. And primus? Primaries. Oh, okay. Primus? The band? Les Claypool? Obama's got a big brown beaver. Let's get primus.

So why are you here? And I'm just here to promote our Christmas pageant. We're having a Christmas pageant and having a little trouble. So you teach at a parochial school? It is a Catholic school. There you go. That's correct. So we have a Christmas pageant. Christmas pageant. This is the birth of Jesus. So do you do theater? There's a little bit of acting involved, a little bit of presentation of the songs. Yeah, it's very cute. It's very sweet. The kids come up and they sing. The band plays a couple of songs. What's one of the songs?

Jingle Bells. We open with Jingle Bells. What's the band's makeup? Is the band kids as well? Let me just check because I definitely prepared what the band's makeup was at my elementary school. You would have to. We're not talking about Kiss makeup. So it's a pageant depicting the birth of Christ but the first song is Jingle Bells. We want to ease them in.

There's a lot of religious, anti-religious... People don't want to get too preachy in these things. There's pressure from the cows. That's the real problem in America lately. Nobody wants to get number one problem in American society is the recitals are too preachy. How small is the baby Jesus? How small are you making him? It is a pretty normal-sized baby. Is it a doll or a kindergartner? It is a...

It's just a doll. We don't use it. Huge mistake. Yeah, because I like- You got to get a real baby in there. I prefer my pageants with a live Jesus. You got to have a live. I want it live. Will there be a camel or no? There will be two children dressed as a camel, but there'll be no real camel. Two children to equal one camel. Two humps. Really three. There's one as the head and then one each for the humps. So really three. There's three, yes.

So you lie. Do you play Black Eyed Peas My Humps when the camel comes out? We don't. We don't play Black Eyed Peas My Humps. I think that would be good. You're having trouble selling tickets. We got some good ideas. We're having trouble selling tickets. What's going on? Why are you having so much trouble? I have no idea. You must have some ideas. I have. Well, I think that the town.

has turned on us. Why? What happened at last year's show? Well, last year's we got a little preachy. I got a little preachy with the Christmas. I happen to be a devout Catholic and of course that's just everybody's personal. When you say devout, what are you like? I'm super fucking into it. Say it with me, man. I feel you. I 100% can. May the sweet baby Jesus bless you. I love Catholicism. I love good and evil. I'm into Satan and God. You put the ash on your head. You're into Satan. I'm into Satan. I'm into Satan and God. You said, I'm into Satan and God, but you put Satan first.

I'm into Satan big time and I'm okay with God. And I love the fight of dark and light. And I'm, you know, waiting for the... What's your saint name? My saint name is Clementine. Interesting. What's your Satan name? My Satan name is His Lord Irgrisville. Can I use this?

Eargazville. Eargazville. That just sounds like a location. No, that's my Satan name. And last year at the recital, I went a little hard on it. I made it a little too preachy. I got a little too strict with the religious dogma, and it turned people off. And this year... Were you yelling at the kids and stuff like that? I was yelling at the kids, and I was like, you're going to burn in hell, and you... You're yelling this at the kids in the middle of the pageant? Well, Mike Savage-O didn't know his lines, and I'm like, you're going to go to hell. I mean, that's true. You're lazy and soft. How old is Mike Savage-O? At that time, he was nine.

Wow. How old is he now? He is nine and a half. Yeah, I agree. That kid's growing up. I don't know about that math. In the last year, he's only aged a half.

half a year yeah i should say mike savage oh one on a rocket so he was he went on a rocket ship he was outside of a gravitational pull so that the time actually moved differently for he was on a rocket ship and then a secret attempted flight to mars i saw interstellar near light speed and it slowed down his aging he came back and he's still only not i'll be honest that's so much more interesting i don't think so

I wish we were interviewing Mike Savage-o so much. Can we get him on the phone? Can you get us to Mike Savage-o? I do not care what you have to say anymore. You've introduced the most interesting character I've ever heard on this show. I am bad. And you're telling me...

I'm not allowed to talk to Mike Savage. Oh, why? Restraining order? Restraining order. I screamed at him in front of his family. I screamed at his parents. I said, you brazen kids going to hell. But still kept your job. That's the Catholic school. I didn't get fired. Catholic school will not fire anybody. You get 10 strikes and you're out.

How many do you have? Ten. And by out, you just get shifted to a different school? That's right. I used to teach sixth grade. After my tenth strike, I was demoted to fifth grade. So how many of your students... Best teachers are in sixth grade. The worst teachers are kindergarten. So how many of your students were on this secret trip to Mars? There is NASA and SpaceX both recruit from my town. Can we talk to whoever's in charge of this? Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

No. There's a secret recruiting program of the elementary school kids to go on some faster than light craft. I would love to hear about this, just not from you. From anyone else. From someone interesting and thoughtful. When they came back, did they seem different? Yes.

Yes, they did. They seemed more enlightened. Mike Savage was a combative kid. When he came back, he was peaceful. He was enlightened. Can we send you on this trip? No, I refuse. I will not defy God. I refuse. I have been asked and I say no. Wow. Oh, that's like, so you're definitely not an improv teacher. You really look like an improv teacher. Well, I don't have any knowledge of that, so I don't know how that is relevant.

So tell us, I don't know, about your job. You know what? Who gives a shit? Yes. Where's Savage-O? Give me Savage-O or give me death. I won't.

So this year, you're doing the play with these kids who've all aged half a year in a year's time. They've moved on. I've got a new crop of kids. Last year's kids have only aged half a year. And you've been demoted. Is the pageant only the fifth graders? It's strictly a fifth grade only pageant. Sixth graders are too jaded and the fourth graders aren't fucking good enough. Wow. Wow.

- Oh, geez. - Yes, I swore. - What do you think the best part is? It's like, oh, everyone probably assumes it's Mary and Joseph, but if you're like, actually, it's the wise men. - The wise men. - They get the biggest monologues. The kids get to write their own monologues. - Write their own. - What advice would you give to Jesus in this corrupt society?

And they each come up with their own stuff. And sometimes you've had some really great stuff. If you let kids like think independently, sometimes you, you get rewarded with some really good stuff. And now with Savage-O, was he? Savage-O, listen. You gotta let go of Savage-O. Where's he now? Is he, he's in sixth grade? I mean, think about. Savage-O's in sixth,

Think about what Savage-O has seen. He's seen things, and you're saying you would refuse to see those things. You are unimaginative, uninteresting, and boring. Savage-O is electric. Where is he? Savage-O heard three monologues last year from the Wise Men and went into space with that new knowledge and came back a different person. I bet you Savage-O is going to save the astronauts in a stucco pit.

Yeah. Savage-o. He's got a plan, I feel like. Well, he doesn't go by Savage-o anymore. He's called the Anointed One. So I should just say, I have to say that legally. If we say it three times, will he appear? Let's try it. Let's try it. The Anointed One. The Anointed One. The Anointed One. Hello. Oh, shit. I am possessing this husk of a man. Well, we do agree. This is a husk of a man. Yeah.

- MC Improv Teacher Bud. - Wow. ♪ Name is the Anointed One ♪ - Wow, he sings in sort of a melody. - Hey guys, I'm getting the sense that this is just Glenn Lannan tending to meet Savage Hill. - All right, so I was, so I was, so what? It's so sad. - You guys are overestimating. - It's so sad. - 'Cause immediately I was like-- - You pathetic. - How did you know?

You wanted to be interesting so much. I'm immediately like. You tried to convince us you were Savage Joe? I would just like to remind everybody that at the beginning of this, I was a school teacher. No, you don't know who that Savage Joe is. As soon as you started talking, I was like, this guy is not Savage Joe. There's absolutely no way that Savage Joe would come back and sing like a Catholic cantor. Yeah. You know what? That's actually a pretty good impersonation of Savage Joe. What song comes after Jingle Bells?

We do sleigh ride, a hard pivot into sleigh ride. Jingle bells. Well, it's narratively continuous. And what's on stage? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. No one's on stage at that time. Into sleigh? No one's on stage. No, they're on the wings.

They're in the witch's room. They're on their wings. They're angels? Mary and Joseph are angels in your play? Everybody's an angel because I assume they're dead. Wow. You assume they're dead? Wow. I mean, they're probably dead by now. That's right. It's the present day versions of the characters. They're all dead. So this is the nativity in the present day. Yes. It says it opens Bethlehem 2024. And they sing jingle bells.

So is it like a haunted house or? And that's jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Only from the wings. From the wings. From the wings. Everyone's on their wings. And then they go into sleigh ride. And they go into sleigh ride. Still on the wings. Lights slowly coming up. Lights are coming up during two songs. It's pitch black for the first two songs. Enter Savage-O. Right? Well, Savage-O. Do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do. Do.

Say your prayers, Savage Joe. Savage Joe did play the part of Joseph last year, so he was the first to enter last year. That was a description of- Great, let's talk to him. No, we can't.

I'm not allowed to talk to him. I've been banned by several law enforcement agencies that I'm not allowed to. Wow. I mean, the kid sounds like a fucking home run. What do you mean? You're overestimating, okay? Just because somebody's wise. What are you, jealous? I am jealous. What, you've got to chip away at Savage-O just to elevate yourself? You're a man. You're a grown- What are you, 62? I'm 61.

years old. We can like Savage-O and you. I doubt it. Glenn, what do you mean when you say several law enforcement agencies? More than one. They've gone to more than one scope of law enforcement. The DEA. Sheriffs. Interpol. Marshals. The local police. The impossible missions force. No, the impossible missions force.

I do not know that they are involved. Dom and the family in the Fast and Furious. As far as I know, they're cool with me. Mr. Nobody. The Ninja Turtles. The R.I.P.D. Suicide Squad. Just the police and the state troopers. That's it. The Frighteners. M.I.B. The Frighteners. Make it a return. The Frighteners. The Warriors concept album by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Just the local police and the state troopers have forbidden me from talking to savages. The stateies? The stateies. The stateies. Well, Glenn, I wish we could talk to you. Do you? No. I'm just being polite. Let me just real quick plug it, okay? If anybody wants to come to the pageant, it's at Pembroke Elementary School. It's across from the prison. Across from the prison? It's running for three months. Is this that school for the criminally insane children? Yes. Yes.

Yeah. So December 10th, 11th, and 12th, tickets are $1 a week. That was last week. No, what? Oh, my God. What day is it? You fucking idiot. God damn it, I got time traveled. Yeah. This is the 16th, my man. I got time traveled. I missed my pants. You got time traveled? I'm sure Savage-O did it. He's got control over matter and time. Oh, my God. I mean, we should talk to Savage-O. Goodbye. All right. Well.

We have to get to our last guest here, guys. This is exciting. I don't believe I've ever spoken to this person, I guess. I'm not quite sure. Please welcome to the show for the first time, DeLuca's Chop House. Hello, and thank you for choosing DeLuca's Chop House. This is an automated call for...

- Scott Aukerman. - Confirming your reservation for... - Two people. - At... - 7:00 PM. - On... - Christmas Eve, December 25th. - You have selected the... - The 90 course dinner. - The 90 course dinner. We've made it easier than ever to customize your experience. Please answer the following questions. Please press one or say wow to begin.

Wow. Course one, amuse-bouche. Please press one for salmon nuggets. Press two for corn cobblers. Press three for lemon fifers. You have selected partially touched nuggets. Course number two, the tiny meal. Press A for salt in a bottle cap.

Press B for little push berries. And press C for lemon fifers. Ah.

I guess they're all the same. Would you like to know what lemon fifers are? I was going to say, what's a lemon fifer? Yeah, what is a lemon fifer? We cannot tell you what lemon fifers are. How does it know? This is a pre-recorded message. How does the automation know what we're asking? If you're having a conversation with me, it's pure coincidence. Oh, wow. I'm going to press two because that's APNC. You have selected four. Please select your table. Would you like A, a table that ends in a spike? No.

B, a table that unfolds 200,000 times. Or C, a table so wide everyone's back is to the wall. C. Yeah, C. You have selected being watched while you eat. Would you like to be watched by... This thing's broken. Would you like to be watched by A, a grown woman, B, 60 grown women, or...

E, a man who keeps telling you, I don't mind watching you. I'm a grown woman. Pick a man. Pick a man. I got to get E. E. You have selected Megan Mullally and her 60 grown women.

Would you like to move to the Santa course? Please say, oh my God, please, if you'd like to. Oh my God, please, if I'd like to. You have pressed the number one. Would you like Santa to run up to your table and scare you? Would you like Santa to hide under the table and feed you from a slit in the tablecloth? Or would you like Santa to turn Jewish?

Harry and murder you at the table. Definitely that one, yeah. You have selected Santa scares you at the table. Please select your horror level. A, jump scare. B, hereditary little girl head off. Or C, Joy Behar in the morning. B. B. You have selected

C, Joy Behar in the morning. Wow, Behar gets a trace. Would you like to A, call Joy Behar right now. Joy Behar in the morning. You have selected the pasta course. Ah, damn it. Would you like ravioli with dimes? Would you like B, bubblegum fucking ravioli? Yes!

Or would you like C, lemon fifers? Lemon fifers. Lemon fifers. You have selected C, lemon fifers. Yes. Finally got one. We'd like to know how tall you are, Scott. Are you A, long and wide? B, as tall as a window? Or C, as tall as a lemon fifer? Tall as a lemon

What is a lemon fiver? A lemon fiver is something I can't explain. How would you like your food to be brought to the table, Scott? A, all at once. B, a double order. Or C, the food only comes once you leave and only then in your car. B, maybe. Okay. Thank you. Would you

Would you like to hear your voicemails that you left on our machine? A, yes. B, ultra yes. Or C, absolutely please. I want to hear my fucking voicemails. A. A, would you like to hear first the reservation you made? Or B, your call to the doctor? Call to the doctor. You've selected both. Here's your reservation call. Hello, this message is for DeLuca's Chop House.

I am confirming my reservation for Christmas Eve at 7 p.m. My name is Scott Ackerman. My phone number is 976-BUSH. So yeah, I'm going to be there. Also, it is my wife's birthday as well on Christmas Eve. And she absolutely loves eggs instead of cake.

So if you can bring out an egg with a candle at some point, that would be great. Actually, we'd like it. We usually have it before the meal, not after. So if you could do that, that would be awesome. Very cool. Anyway, thank you so much. And I will see you on Christmas Eve. Thanks a million. Would you like to hear that again?

- You're B, here you're called to the doctor. - Neither, is that possible? - You selected B, you've hit it 15 times. - Hi, Dr. Sivio, this is Scott. - Dr. Sivio? - So yeah, I called your nurse about this before, but there's something wrong with my finger. It is really brown, it's really dirty. It stinks like shit and I guess, you know.

The only thing I really did with it was stick it up my ass. I'm just not sure what to do because it's brown and stinky now. And I stuck it up my ass and I'm not sure what to do about it. So if you can give me a call back if there's any kind of cure, anything homeopathic I can do. I don't want to stick it back up my ass, but I'm not sure. So give me a call back as soon as you can.

What kind of chef would you prefer? A chef who is not good at cooking but good to others. Would you like a chef who secretly hides a screw in your spaghetti, baby? Or C, a chef who only knows how to make lemon fifers? C, C, C! You have selected C, a chef who only

Lemon Fifers! Now for your entertainment, Scott. Would you like 2,000 sad mariachi band members? Depressed mariachi band members? Is that what you want? Or B, the board game operation at your table? Or C, something called the corpse dinner?

Uh, A, I think, the sad mariachi? You have selected the corpse dinner. Damn it! We are now in the liminal space of the menu. Would you like to go A, left, B, right, or C, stay where you are until something comes into the room? Uh, A. You have selected C. Go left.

I tried to go left. Then why'd you select C? Because C said stay where you are. Is that what I said? Yes. Oh, no. Oh, man. You have reached the cleanup room. This is course 95. Oh, cow. Wait. This is course 85. We are five courses too far into the meal.

Would you like to A, leave your food there like a pig? Would you like to B, force the waiter to finish it for you like a pig? Or would you like C, to put the food in a backpack and leave it at the airport for a little boy to find? Oh no, the little boy finds it. What's inside that bag, Scott? What'd you put in there? Lemon Pfeifers! You fucking pig!

C. C. You have selected C. Choose 15 people to make the reservation for you. You can A. Choose everyone in this room. B. Choose the first names Mike and Jike, and those people will end up at the table. Or C. You can have both Mike and Jike and everybody at this table. C. Everyone. You have selected everyone. Congratulations.

And because of that, you win, Scott. What? I win? What do I win? You win course 88, the salad course. Oh, wow. You can have the E.T. phone home salad. You can have the... I wonder what the makeup of that salad is. You can have the E.T. phone home Caesar. Or you can have the E.T. phone home white dead salad.

sick Caesar the sick daddy tea remember when he's out in the rain I'm actually nervous I'm nervous that the chop house I lost my mic I'm nervous the chop house automated voice is going to have a stroke I hope this is not the owner I've never seen an automated voice I had a cocaine coffee welcome to movie phone brought to you by the New York Times and

Please select a movie from the following options. A, Country Strong. B, Batman Returns. Or C, Lemon Fiber. C, C, C. You have selected Hilaria Baldwin. What?

Which of these messages would you like to play? You at the doctor or you at the doctor? Hi, Dr. Savio, this is Scott Ackerman. So, yeah, I called your nurse about this before, but there's something wrong with my finger. It is really brown. It's really dirty. It stinks like shit. And I guess, you know...

Did you hear this before? I think I heard it. Make sure because it's different at the end. So I'm just not sure what to do because it's brown and stinky now. And I stuck it up my ass. I'm not sure what to do about that. So give me a call back. If there's any kind of cure, anything homeopathic I can do. I promise it's going to be different. I don't want to stick it back up my ass, but I'm not sure. So give me a call back as soon as you can. Thanks. I lied, Sean! I'm a lemon flower!

- Lemon Pfeiffer, I'm so sorry. - You're on Lemon Pfeiffer? - Yes! - That's a clue. - A good thing or a bad thing? - How do you spell Lemon Pfeiffer? A, L-E-M-O-N, sorry. I had a stroke, I had a fucking stroke. - You had a stroke? - How do you spell Lemon Pfeiffer? L-E-M-O-N, F-I-F-E-R. - What? - L-E-M-O-N, P-H-I-F-E-R. Or L-E-M-O-N, P-H-I-F-E-R.

B-A-G-R. C. C. C. You have selected L-O-N. Y-G-O-O-S. Looney Tunes. But why, Scott? Why? What's up? Why? Oh, thank you. You have reached the end of this automated message. Wow. Goodbye. Thank you to Lucas Shophouse. Oh, my gosh.

An absolute sprint to the finish. Oh, my gosh. That's going to be a great Christmas evening. I'm going to enjoy this. In fact, I want to bring everyone. Yeah. Except maybe you. I don't know. I'm wide open. What's the student's name again? Savage Joe's Inn. Savage Joe's Inn. You got it. Savage Joe's Inn. I wonder if we say Lemon Pfeiffer three times if a Lemon Pfeiffer will appear. Let's try. Lemon Pfeiffer. Lemon Pfeiffer. Lemon Pfeiffer. Hello.

Okay, Glenn, stop pretending. Somebody like me. If you want Glenn to die, press A. There are no other choices. Well, guys, this has been amazing. We're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. A little something called plugs. Plugs. My heart is full of like do what you gotta do.

Oh, yeah. That was amazing. That was Don't Plug Me This Way by The Only People Who Matter. Thank you so much to them. And guys, what are we plugging? Jason, anything you want to plug? Nope. All right. Love you. Other than to say happy holidays, Merry Christmas to everyone. Here we are a week away. And in two days, it's my birthday. Fantastic.

Happy birthday to you. And tomorrow, something special coming out in Astonishing Spider-Man number nine. Oh, yes. Everybody should please get on board for that. Yes, that's right. What a wonderful message of goodwill. Read Astonishing Spider-Man. It's my birthday. Read Spider-Man. Hoover, go ahead and plug something if you like. I'd like to plug vodka. It's wonderful. Mm-hmm.

The more the better. Okay. And I'd also like to plug pills. Okay. Any kind of pills. There's so many. Wonderful. Tony, Sony, anything you want to plug? See, I want to plug CBB World, all the podcasts over there. It's because I want to say I'm praying for your stinky finger.

I know. Hopefully by the time I get my reservation, it'll be all taken care of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I plug in my guma. Your guma. Okay, wonderful. All right. You've been plugging her for years. Absolutely. Room Tone Tony, anything you want to plug? Just the concept of pornography, of course. Of course. My wife, she collects a little money off that. So I even think that voicemail where you talk about putting your finger in your butthole will be getting a little bit. We'll be charging you a little something. Okay, fantastic. Papa Mia. Hi. Hi.

Hi, do you want to plug anything? Um, yeah, go to big grande website.com for the new season of the teacher's lounge. And the first nine seasons are now free wherever you get podcasts. If you want to finally, that's a lot of seasons. I love that. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Fantastic. And, uh, I guess, uh, Oh yes. Uh,

Elspeth Connors. Elspeth Connors, great, thank you. You can read my books, A Kingdom of Whispers and Sighs. Please read my holiday novella, A Kingdom of Holly and Ivy. Please read my new New Year's Eve book, A Kingdom of Vapor and Steam. Please read my President's Day book, A Kingdom of Prez and Dents. And Primus.

And Primus. Featuring Primus. Minus their drummer, Tim Herb Alexander. That's a minus Primus. Who has left the band. That's right. Thank you so much. Doesn't enjoy it anymore. I guess, Glenn, do you have something to plug? Yes, yes. I want to plug a podcast. Shut up. I want to talk

fast. Screw it. We're just going to talk about the Beatles. Bunch of jerks talk about how good the Beatles are. It's my favorite podcast. I'm not part of it, but I love it. Goodbye. All right. I'm hoping I can get DeLucas Chophouse back on the phone. Hello. Hello. This is DeLucas Chophouse. Hi. We'd like to plug ourselves. Thank you for playing this message. All right. Also check out

The Heathcliff on YouTube. It's free. All the episodes are there. 12 minutes long and it's a big playlist. Does he put a big fish in his mouth and then pull it out and then it's bones? Every episode. Every one. I just want to plug CBB World. Go head over there. There's, like Tony, Sony said, so many great shows over there. And thanks to everyone who came out to our live show last week. It was really fun. Thank you so much for being there. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag. One, two, three, four.

What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

And I'm sad that's the last time we're ever going to be hearing a remix of that one. I'm not sad. In a couple of weeks, we'll have a brand new song. Get rid of it. I'm so sad. But thank you so much to Randy Smith. That was What Boys Like. Spoiler, it's plugs. Drag it to the trash. Drag it to the trash. Now we're just talking about Glenn right now. Guys! Drag him to the trash. Drag him to the trash. Guys, I want to thank you. Don't stir this guy. I want to thank everyone for being here. The holidays mean the world to me. Yeah.

And you being around during then is great. Were you going to sing your song? You had a song you were going to sing. My song, jizz, jizz, jizz. Jizz, jizz, jizz. Jizz on Van Nuys. Jizz, jizz, jizz. Jizz, jizz, jizz. Jizz, jizz, jizz. Jizz, jizz on Van Nuys. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Yeah.

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