Ike Barinholtz, Drew Tarver, Erin Keif
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Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I want to invite you to Arena Stage this February to see my semi-autobiographical, semi-conscious, but fully enjoyable new musical, The Bedwetter. It's a story about growing up different from everyone else, the insanity of family, being a bedwetter, and a dash of clinical depression.

In other words, it's about the year I was 10. The Bedwetter, February 4th to March 16th, only at Arena Stage. Visit arenastage.org for tickets today. Sometimes you have to break from tradition to make something better, or in this case, a smoother spirit. Martel Blue Swift is made of French cognac, but because it's finished in bourbon barrels from America, they're not allowed to call it cognac.

The shockingly smooth taste is rich and aromatic with distinctive hints of toasted oak from the bourbon casks, making it perfect for cocktails. Martell Blue Swift, defy expectations. Enjoy our quality responsibly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang.

Rat-a-tat, cat in the hat, crack of the bat, that's amore.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Lil Puss in Butt for that catchphrase submission. Thanks to Lil Puss in Butt. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an exceptional show this week. Coming up a little later, we have a doctor. We also have a Bostonian doctor.

What a show. But before we get to them, let's get to our guest of honor. Of course, we know him as the creator of the two night event, was it? Or was it a...

They called it a special two-night event. A special two-night event, which was a release strategy that had never been attempted before. And hasn't been since. But he was on, hyping it up back when History of the World Part II came out and premiered on a special two-night event.

And now he is the co-creator of a show entitled Running Point, which hits Netflix on a one night event, one day event. It's just one moment event. It all comes out in one moment. One second. Basically, like every episode comes out one second of the day. It's basically like the TV equivalent of the Big Bang Theory, but confusingly not the Big Bang Theory. Okay.

So I think what you're trying to say is an explosion which would create tributaries by which all other TV special series will be compared to. Yes, yes. And spring forth out of. Yes, it's basically the first one. It all comes out at one big pop. Right. And then just we'll have...

billions and billions of shows stemming from that. I can't wait. So just spinoffs. Spinoffs upon spinoffs upon spinoffs. Even background characters. Background characters. You'll be focusing on them. Opening titles, get their own spinoffs. Wow. Yeah, it's a new thing where Netflix is trying. Okay, this is amazing. But it all comes out this Thursday on Netflix. Please welcome back to the show, Ike Barinholtz. Thank you. Thank you. It is my pleasure. Puss in boot. Puss in butt.

Puth and Booth is what you said first. I just burnt myself in my coffee. It's so wonderful to have you back. You are, of course, one of America's greatest showrunners and co-creators. And you did the History of the World Part Two. Yes. And this. Yeah. And anything else?

What else did I do? I did Shogun. I ran Shogun. You were the showrunner for Shogun. I created it. I didn't take a credit on it because they kind of went a slightly different way than I envisioned. Which way did they end up going? They just went kind of hard drama, and I thought it was kind of more like a multi-cam kind of fun. Live studio audience. We filmed the pilot in front of a live studio audience. Right. And it was like the scene when he commits seppuku. It got like a great aww.

That's good. That's the reaction you want. Yeah, when the other guy was like, I want you to have sex with this, my nephew, and I will watch. The crowd was like, ooh. These are Shogun spoilers, by the way. Yeah, sorry, sorry. Oh, by the way, I also heard as a promotional kind of thing, you gave swords to everyone in the live studio audience. I did. And that is kind of the root of the lawsuit. I...

Yeah. Lovely couple from Buffalo was in town. Wife was decapitated. Oh, no. Husband was mortally wounded. He's also dead. Okay. Yeah. That's a wound you do not want to get. Mortal wounds have always been the worst.

I hate him. Anyways, his two sons are suing me and Hulu and Disney, and they're going to win. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're going to win. All right, so this may be the last time we see you. You might be jailed. I would love to do a Colin from Prisoner at one point. Sure.

By the way, I think this would be the first civil suit that results in you being like a person, a litigant being jailed. Yes. No, it's breaking new ground. It's criminal, civil kind of. It's so egregious. It's criminal featuring civil. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that's all in the past, though, and possibly the future. Yeah, well, we're right in the middle of it right now. I'm leaving today to head down to the courthouse. Right. But we have another pretrial motion. But the trial, I would love to plug the trial. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. I think it drops...

April 3rd. Oh, okay. It'll be on Court TV. It'll also be on the news. Oh, sure. I mean, the story itself was so crazy. It was everywhere. Yeah. But you know how the news cycle goes these days, like 24 hours later, no one cared about the woman who got decapitated at the Shogun Live taping. And her husband mortally wounded. Yeah. Yeah, no. But it's all coming back, and it's going to be kind of interesting. Wonderful. Well, let's put that aside and talk about...

A show that I'm told is called Running Point, which I've never heard this expression. I've never heard these two words put together. Really? You've never heard someone say, like, I'm going to run point on this one? Sure. I've heard run point. Yeah. Okay. So it's basically someone who's running point. Yes. Yes. So it's not like a point where people start running. No. On your marks, get set, go. You're at your running point. Yeah.

No, the double meaning comes in running point as in I'm going to take charge. I'm going to be in charge of this. And also in basketball, if you're the point guard, you're running point for the team. Oh, okay. You're also running. And you're also running, yeah. Basketball, what if there was a no running rule in basketball? Can you imagine how exciting this would be? So you're just walking. Yeah. Casual walking. Casual. Like if anyone even breaks into a trot, that's a foul. Yeah.

This is an exciting variation on the game, you have to admit. It is. No, it would be good. This show would be called, I guess, Walking Point. Speaking of sports, we were talking with Deion Sanders a couple of weeks ago. Okay. You know the long snap where they throw it to the kicker? Why doesn't the guy just turn around and throw it to him? Yeah.

Why doesn't the guy go through the legs? Why doesn't the snapper? Oh, that's a good question. I wonder if there's a rule that you have to go through the legs. It's emasculating, isn't it? It really is embarrassing. It is. I'm bending over. Here's my little butt. And then it goes whoop through the legs. And sometimes he misses. Yeah. And it gets bobbled. Sometimes it catches the taint and you get a penalty. Just turn around and throw it to the guy. Anyway, this is a sports podcast. Welcome back to sportscast.

Okay, so running point. Now I know what the title is. I'm being told by the internet. The series stars Kate Hudson. Boom. This is, of course, Oliver Hudson's sister, I believe. Yes, Oliver Hudson's sister. Daughter. Not in-law. Stepdaughter of...

Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Boom. The two, the star wattage on that couplage. It's the highest star wattage for a couple of all time. Name another couple that has more wattage than that. You can't. Yeah. I'm trying to think of any two stars. Bill and Hillary Clinton. Yeah.

Almost a two-president couple. Almost. By the skin of our teeth. Not quite. Almost. But this is Kate Hudson, and I'm told that she stars as Isla Gordon. Isla, yeah. But you're the only other person that's made that mistake is everyone who's ever read the script.

Kate was the only one that was like Isla, right? We're like, thank you. How many takes were ruined because of someone saying Isla? Multiple and ADR sessions where I'm like, it looks like if the lip flap is matching, just go ahead and say Isla. It's going to work. Okay. Isla Gordon. Why would you name a character Isla? It's a beautiful name. Why though? Oh, I guess you don't like the song La Isla Bonita. La Isla Bonita.

uh i i don't know you know i think actually that name was a uh mindy kaling i fought her on it man no it was mindy kaling co-created this show yes mindy kaling our our dear friend who i did the mindy project with uh you were just an actor on that i know i wrote on that you wrote i wrote on that yeah did you write your own lines or ever uh

I wrote my own lines. I wrote lines for everyone. And if you paid me enough money, I'd write you a line. That's kind of how I look at it. So really, anyone could have been in that? Yeah, I'm from Chicago. You come to my office, give me a little envelope with a couple of 20s in it. You're going to find a couple of lines in the next script. Sometimes they're not jokes. They're just like, hey, there's a package for you, boss. I'd love to do that. Oh, my God.

residuals on that. The zids. Yeah, so we wrote together with my other partner, Dave Stassen. Who's this Dave Stassen character? He is probably one of the more important figures in Hollywood. He's like my best. He's only my best friend of like 40 years. 40 years? Yeah, believe it or not. Since you were what? Three? No, I'm a little older than that. I turned 70 this year.

I'm the big 7-0. So you met this guy when you were 30 years old. He became my best friend. Which is a little too old to have a best friend, in my opinion. But you guys are tight. And so Dave Stastin, you've known for a long time. Yes, we went to camp and school together. And we got hired together on the Mindy Project. Oh, wow. As a team. As a team. And.

And then we've obviously been writing together since then. And then Mindy kind of came to us with this idea. And she was like, you guys love basketball. And we loved writing together and stuff. It's the most orange of balls, is it not? It is definitely the most orange of balls. Oh, it's the only orange ball. What do you got? You got baseballs white. There's a pool cue. Or not cue, but a pool. What is that? The eight ball? No, that's black. What is it? The nine ball? That's yellow. Is it the 12? Is it the 12? Yeah.

I'm going to look up orange ball. Orange pool ball. Pool. Football's are brown. Football's are pretty brown. Tennis are. The five ball. The five.

Well, the 13 is the stripe. The stripe. No, it doesn't count. It doesn't count. No, to your point, basketball is the most orange of balls. And it's the bounciest, I think. Has it ever happened where a basketball game happens and the ref throws the ball up and it's flat and everyone's like, what the fuck? This won't bounce anywhere. And then they have to go, all right, everyone go home. Well, I mean, you know. We don't have an air pump tonight. Yeah, at the professional level, though, there's pumps and not extra balls, I think.

Usually the games I go to. One thing when you go to a basketball game, you see dozens of balls there. So they would just probably grab another one. There's a whole rack of pumps, just in case. Sorry, folks. We'll be flying in a pump from Arizona. Should be here in one hour. Please welcome Tigger. Tigger? Isn't he the rapper? I think it's Tyga, isn't it? I mean, you think of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Maybe that's... No, no. I always thought it was...

Is it Tyga? Oh, that T-Y. I think it's akin to a tiger. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Well, regardless, he's at the game right now singing for two hours waiting for a pump to come in. Because the pump comes in in an hour and then it takes an hour to get the ball pumped up to the proper. Just someone talking to them being like, there's a big five on Wilshire. I could go get it right now. They're like, no, it's got to be official from the league.

So then what I'm being told is Isla Gordon is a Los Angeles executive. Yes. That would be enough for a lot of other shows. LA Law. Sure. The LA executive. That's a good idea for a show. We don't know what they do. She basically it's it's it's loose. Let me say. She's unexpectedly appointed head of the family business.

Is that it? And that's it. No, oh wait, there's a dash. That business is the mafia. This is a mafia comedy. That's just capping people in the head. I always wanted to see that. That would be fun. Bafangul, motherfucker. The business, which happens to be, just happens to be, or it sounds like they didn't work hard at the business. It's like, oh, we started a business and then it just happened to be one of the most famous professional basketball franchises. It's like, guys, there's a lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into this.

So I wrote this copy, so I'm just I'm taking notes. So it happens to be one of the most famous professional basketball franchises in the country. Yes, that's enough. But then guess what? There's another dash.

When her older brother publicly flames out and appoints her the new owner. Boom. Boom. Who's this brother? The brother is played by an actor named Justin Theroux. Okay. Mulholland Drive. Mulholland Drive. Beautiful, beautiful movie. And yeah, he plays her older brother. It's loosely based off of...

the family of genie bus who owns the los angeles lakers which there's another show uh about the lakers yes it's not on anymore it was called winning time winning time and this is this is running time what is this this is running point but the players it's running time oh man it's also wait wait before it's also dribbling time

Don't forget shooting game. People are just out there running and dribbling, forgetting about the shooting. Final score, 0-0. It's running point. The running time is about 29 minutes and change, I think, for the pilot. But yeah, it's not like that other show because it's on, first of all. Right. You can see it. And it's more like a... Wow, me out. Well, no, that came off very catty. I did not mean it to be catty. I...

These ostensibly are your peers out there. The difference between our show and that show is you can watch ours currently.

No, it's... But that was about the 70s team. Exactly. That was 70s. This is more contemporary. And it's also fictionalized. It's more contemporary, but I was reading it's set in 2018. Like, why? Well, it's adult contemporary. It's a lot of like, you know. We set it in 2018. We just thought that was a really good time. Yeah, for everyone. Yeah, like it's really kind of... In the pilot, the movie Nope is coming out. Oh, okay. And they all have tickets to go see Nope. Yeah.

And so that's kind of one of the plot points. Is this going to be like the morning show where the next season is all about the season where they got COVID? Or what was the Aaron Sorkin show, The Newsroom? The Newsroom, which was 16 months ahead. Yeah, but in an alternate universe as well, where whatever TV station this was existed, first of all, and was huge.

I love the news. Yes. But in any case, so this is Kate Hudson. She is the head of now a basketball team. Yes. And does she know anything about basketball? She actually does know a lot about basketball. She was just kind of like...

She was like a late 90s party girl, kind of rich L.A. brat whose life kind of just wasn't panning out. Who's Jeannie? Jeannie Buss is... Jemma's is the daughter of Jerry Buss. Right, but she's married to someone now. She's married to Jay Moore. That's right. Yeah, she married Jay. Yeah. But so that, again, is lightly fictionalized. Jeannie, I think, was a very serious person who was always working at the company.

but we wanted to kind of just take this person. Fish out of water. Fish out of water. There we go. But she knows enough about basketball where she's like, you know, I think air is okay. I'll go back in the water. Yeah, she doesn't die. She doesn't die. She doesn't die. Like a true fish out of water, she's dead in three minutes. So three minutes into the show, she's gasping for breath. Dead.

shaking on the ground. This is a good show, actually. And it is a comedy. It is a comedy. Yeah, so I wouldn't really call it fish out of water. Okay. Yeah, like... Fish in water, but water is... Fish in a brand new water. Sure. Fish, like, there's fish in this pond over here. Okay. We've taken the fish. We've driven it

Three towns away to a totally different pond. But there's other fish in this pond. Other fish, but they don't know them. They don't know the fish. No, no, no. But it gets to know the other fish. They get to know them, but it's a little rocky at first. Okay. But the good thing is she lives. She has the water flows through her gills and she's able to produce. Right, right. By the way, Little Rocky. That's a good idea for a movie, right? Little Rocky. Little Rocky. So it's like. Goo, goo, ga, ga. Who am I doing? I'm trying to do Sylvester Stallone.

You mean baby Rocky. Not even little Rocky. Well, I mean, to be littler than Sylvester Stallone, by the way, one of our greatest Hollywood ambassadors. Now he is my favorite Hollywood ambassador. Uh, I'm meeting with him later this afternoon. Just to clear this show. Yeah. Yeah. It can come out. Yeah. And I want to pitch a couple other things. Uh, I want to Rocky, of course, little Rocky. Uh, I want to make a movie about, um,

but he's a Marine. Okay. Oh, wow. And I want Stallone to play it. Great, yeah. He's not too old for this. No, I mean, he's the most, I think, mentally with it of the three ambassadors. Of the three ambassadors, of course. Look up the ambassadors of you. I did hear a clip of one of our ambassadors, Mel Gibson. Oh, yes. Yes, he's one of the three. I heard a clip of him on the Joe Rogan podcast, and he was like,

It was so funny. He was like, like, I remember like 20 years ago when the tape came out of him screaming at his wife and it's like, I want to kill you. And I remember thinking. And other things. Yeah. A couple of things. Look them up. You can Google those if your computer will allow it. But I remember at the time being like, oh, man, he's so mad. Like, I've never heard someone so pissed. Yeah. Like, you've gotten mad, I'm sure, in an argument with your loved one. But I've never been like. Yeah.

like shaking. Yeah. And then I heard him on Joe Rogan and he just talks like that. Oh, okay. It's like, he's just always that mad. And he was, he was talking about, oh my God, it was the funniest clip. He was like, he was like, and there's a lot of things that aren't true out there. Like it's global warming and the ice caps are melting. He's upset about this. He goes, he goes, you ever have a glass of water and there's ice in it and the ice melts.

the water doesn't spill everywhere, does it? And it was just so sick. It was so cool to see like a 75-year-old man not know what a glacier is. Compare you to... Yeah, he's like, yeah, it's like, no, that's not quite, that analogy doesn't quite work. The water doesn't spill out everywhere, does it?

Okay, well, anyway, he's one of our great ambassadors. We love him. We love Hollywood. But Running Point is coming out on Thursday. Yeah. And who else is in this show? Because it's a star-studded cast, from what I can tell. You have Justin Theroux. We have Justin Theroux. Joining Hudson in the comedy are Scott MacArthur. Yes. And Drew Tarver. Yeah, Tarve. Tarve. Tarve. He's a French actor we found. Okay, okay.

He started off as a mime, but then kind of graduated to French improv, which is totally different than American improv. Oh, really? It's just very condescending. It's like... It's like... Non. Non. Non.

Yeah. And you've heard of yes. And yeah, this is just all. Yeah. Yeah. Drew Tarvey as Isla's brother. Yes. Then you have Max Greenfield as her fiance. Yes. And then to top it all off the cherry on the Sunday, Brenda song. Yeah. As a high level team staffer, the greatest. Also Jay Ellis is on there.

Chet Hanks is on there. Chet Hanks, aka Chet Hayes. Chet is one of the star players in the team, and he's fantastic on the show. He's amazing. I swear to God, he's great. Does he get to rap as well? Yes, he does. Was that contractual? By us. We demanded he do that, and yeah, he really actually killed it.

Fantastic. And let's see, what is Running Point about? I love the only sister in a family of brothers is ambitious and often overlooked.

But when her brother is forced to resign from his position as president of the Los Angeles Waves... What is this? The Los Angeles what? The Waves. Like, you know, you're surfing a wave. What do you think? It's like this? Oh, the wave doing the wave in the stadium? So that would mean that there's lots of waves going on in L.A. So the fans... There's groups of thousands of people. The fans are doing the waves...

During the games and then the players also have to do the wave? The players have to do it. During the game? They stop the game and the players all get into a circle.

So you couldn't get the rights to a real team? Well, no. That was a conscious decision by us. You were conscious during this? We were conscious. Most of the show we wrote, we were passed out. We were like, our writing process is, have you seen Alien? I have, yes. Or Aliens? You know how they get in those tanks and chambers? Yeah, that's the biggest part of Alien. That's how we... I turned it off right after that. So you just think it's like a nice, peaceful movie. Nice tank movie.

That's how we write the show. We get into these tanks and we enter a state of... Just turn on the AI. Turn on the AI. I wrote most of the show and did a really great job. But this is a WGA sanctioned AI. Oh, okay. Really? This is the first sanctioned by WGA? This is the first actual member of the WGA who is AI. Yes. So who's the member? Like your computer is the member or... It's just like user 00048. They didn't bother even giving it like a name or some kind of fake identity. Like, hi, I'm Solly.

You know, it's no, it's none of that. When you applied to SAG or whatever you have to do, you go join, right? Yeah. You know that it's fraught with tension the moment when you're in the office and they say, all right, let's look up your name to see if you can keep using it. I did not have that problem. They didn't have any, I don't know, like old school garbage.

garbage men from Kiev. I didn't think I was going to have the problem either, but it's just in that like 15 seconds when they're looking it up. You're going to be like, am I going to be known as J. Scott Alkermann? Yeah. You know, or were you, you know, like Isaac Barinholtz, you know? Yeah. No, I was luckily like Barinholtz, but I have multiple friends who had to do like little tweaks and stuff. Yeah. Kevin Spacey was actually Kevin Space. His real name is.

Kevin Space High. And there was another... It's just S-P-A-C-E-H-I. H-I. And he wanted to go with that, and there was another guy with that name, so he went with Spacey. Yeah, interesting. Yeah. These are the kind of facts that you know when you're good friends with Kevin Spacey, like Ike Barron holds his. I mean, he doesn't live in the country anymore, but we still talk. Sure.

So, Running Point is out on Thursday. Is there anything else you want people to know about this show? What's important for our listeners to get them? Oh, okay. I'm seeing a little picture of everyone at a meeting. And there's like a sort of... The show is mostly about meetings. Oh, good. There's not a lot of like...

character development. There's not like even really like. So it's the first sitcom told exclusively through meetings. It's like Microsoft groups basically where it's like, but you see actors. So it's like a typical scene on the show is this.

Now, here's a picture where two characters are sitting on a couch. They're watching a meeting on the street. They're watching a meeting. Okay, just wanted to keep you honest. So, like, one of my favorite lines in the show is Kate Hudson comes in and is like, our third quarter numbers are down. And Brenda Song goes, let me bring up the chart.

And it's just like, it's so good. It just runs from there. It's like you can imagine kind of where it goes from there. Yeah, that's a hot place to start a scene. It's just that, it's just the scene is, it's a show for people who, when they're at work and they're sitting in a meeting, think like, I love this. I wish I could do more of this. Yeah, I wish I could have more of this at home. Yes, yes. Wonderful. Well, it's out this Thursday. Yes. And is this make or break for you in terms of your career? This is the one. This is it, folks. And listen, you got you folks. Can I make a,

an appeal to your listeners real quick. Folks, I've been on this podcast many times and every time you have bailed me out and I have stayed in this business through the skin of my teeth and your largesse. By their grace. Yeah. And I want to thank you and I want to keep the Ike train rolling.

And so if you're able to, when you hear this, set a reminder alarm on your phone. Because it comes out at 11.59. It drops at 11.59. On Wednesday night. On Wednesday night. So do a five minute before 11.54 p.m. If I wake up, you're going to want to pee probably. If you're like me, you're going to want to hit the john.

then go down and you don't even have to watch a show just press play um but if you could do this one and bail me out of this because if not i have i'm out yeah this is it this is it for you so i'm maybe your last time on the podcast yeah and i love it i don't want to move i don't want to move out of the state i don't want to leave the business and you would probably have to leave your family as well for i have to go find work yeah yeah i have to find work there's shame i i i'm begging you if you're listening this podcast

please watch this show. We need Ike's standard of living to continue at the pace it is now. You guys, this is a little personal. My Rivian was in a fender bender last week. And insurance, I've been told, because it was my fault.

Will not cover it. What kind of fender bender exactly? Do you remember the old Arby's on Sunset? Sure, yeah. It's a Prince Street pizza now. And I drove into it. Intentionally? Yes. Insurance will not cover it.

Okay, so we need this show to be a hit. Otherwise, it all comes crashing down. It's a house of cards right now. Otherwise, it's the old Arby's. It comes crashing down. So please, please watch the show. And if you like the show, you can find me on Venmo and you can shoot me a couple bucks. That would be okay. I'll keep the show going, baby. I think that showrunners deserve tips. Don't you? You know what, man?

Now we're getting to something. If you like a show, send the creator a tip on Venmo. There's a little QVC code. Yeah. QR code. Waiters get tips. Why can't showrunners? All they're doing is bringing food that someone else made for you. Yeah, we're making the thing. We're making the thing. We're showing it to you. We bring it to your house. Yes. Tip us, please. Tip us.

Running Point out this Thursday. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have a doctor. We also have a Bostonian. This is a bad show. This is a lot going on. I am so glad you're here. We're going to be right back with more Ike Barinholtz, more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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Empathy is our best policy. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Ike Barinholtz is here. He is the mastermind and maestro, co-maestro. Co-mastermind and co-maestro. Right. Every symphony has three conductors. The good ones. It's true. I mean, it's such a huge orchestra. You go to the Hollywood Bowl or whatever and see the Hollywood Pops or whatever. There's like 75 people.

Why don't we split it up between three people? Like all 75 are supposed to watch one guy. I'll take the strings. You take the woodwinds. You got percussion. Let's do this. And we'll hold hands while we do it. Yeah. And we'll be squeezing our hands to make sure we stay on tempo. This is a good idea. It is good.

Running point this Thursday, people should watch Kate Hudson, Drew Tarvey, so many people. Let's get to our next guest, Ike, if you don't mind. Yes, I love it. This is a medical professional. He's been on the show many times before. He is the creator of the Heimlich Maneuver. Has this ever been used on you, Ike? I've never been Heimlicht. Really? I've choked, but I've managed to get it out. Is this a self getting it out? This is a self getting out. This is a self kind of hitting and bending over, and then my wife...

slapping my back. So your wife has an assist on this? She has an assist on this, and this happens quite a bit, so I have to, I'm very curious to hear what the good doctor has to say. Well, please welcome back to the show, Dr. Henry Heimlich. Hello, Scott. How are you? I am so good. It's so good to see you. It's so good to see

you and i i it's so nice that you sort of use the maneuver well the slap your wife's slap so that's uh you also take credit for the slap no no no no you start with the maneuver and then you move on to any means necessary that's very true so you know the uh slap squeeze exert fall kick anything to get abdomen squeeze abdomen squeezing up

And you get it out. Anything that gets it out. But before you created this maneuver, those were the only means that people knew of. Yes. People were falling out all the time. Choking. Little chunk of meat. Cracker. Peanut butter. Done. Done.

And the maneuver. The chunky peanut butter. The chunky, of course. The smooth just slides right down the throat. Well, yeah. I was like, when the chunky came out, everybody, oh, we love this. We love this. We love this. Choke, choke, choke. Dead, dead, dead. I said, we need to make this creamy. They should call it choky peanut butter. Choke. That's what I was pushing for. And so you were the one that said, we should make this creamy? Yes.

I came out. I was really wishing for more creaminess in food, and then I had to pivot to the manu. Wow. Now, you came out with a more creaminess campaign, and people didn't know exactly what you were talking about, right? Yeah. I was just like, we need to make this creamy. I love all these people sitting down eating prime rib. Can we blend it, make it creamy rib? That would be your preference, then, is everyone just drinks liquids instead of eating food, right? Well, it's...

I'm caught in between because I love when people don't choke, but I also love when they say my name and use the maneuver. And you get paid a little bit to the residuals when people use your maneuver. I used to, but I sold all the residuals. Really? To who? To AEG or something? Oh, ASCAP? Oh, wow. So the people that protect your residuals now own them?

Seems like a conflict of interest. Yeah. It's the American Association. Oh, this is a different ASCAP. They go with the S. The American Association of Choking Upon People. Upon People. ASCAP. Upon. ASCAP. Upon. Upon.

But yes, so I, you know, but there were many, many different things that I tried before as a maneuver. You remember throat bugs. Sure, yes. Bugs trained to go in and get it out. Right, right. Very difficult to train some bugs. That was the biggest problem. Almost impossible. Because they're not like dogs. In theory. No, no, not like dogs. It sounds perfect. In theory, like, oh, first thought, throat bugs. Choking, what just...

Knee jerk. Oh, throat bugs. Throat bugs, of course. But then when in practice... I'm not the first person to think of throat bugs. But you were the first person to literally try to train them. To get the bugs, become friends with them, train them, get their trust. To becoming friends with them. Sleep with them. So wait, their trust comes after training them? Sleep with them? Yes. In the same bed? Yes. Yeah, like, you know, not creepy. Yeah.

No, this is a... I mean, you sleep with your friends. Sure, this is a non-creepy version of sleeping with bugs. You don't sleep with your throat bugs. You don't sleep where you eat. You know what I mean? That is true. So they would go in the throat. Your idea was they would go in the throat, eat the food, and then come right back. Oh, no, they would grab it and pull it out, right? They would grab it and pull it out. They don't get high on their own supply. Are these like large beetles? Are these like thousands of ants? Yeah.

Well, we tried one big bug. And people would choke on that. Yes. That would have caused another... You're putting a choking hazard on top of it. Esophageal blockage. Yeah. So then we had little bugs and it...

It's hard to get a lot of guys in the same direction. You know, you got to have one main guy. There's always one who really wants to do it. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. There's the teacher's pet. There's always a class clown bug. Oh, you can't get in. He's making fun of the fucking fun. Sitting in the back of the throat. Just laughing at everything. Yeah. So that didn't work. I tried long teeth.

Lung teeth, of course. What are lung teeth again? They're just an extra set of teeth down in your windpipe to chew. That was tough. The procedure. Very difficult. It's like open heart surgery. Oh, it takes weeks. Weeks? Wait. Wait.

I said it was like open heart surgery and you said yes it takes weeks open heart surgery doesn't take weeks to do no I mean it takes longer than open heart surgery I mean a medical procedure where you're out for weeks it's so invasive for such a preventable small thing and I wanted to teach they look nice so I would get in there they don't look straight I'd do veneers cosmetic lung teeth

If they start moving in the lung, you have to reopen them up and put braces on them. Exactly. Yes. It's so terrible. 13 years after they're installed. Yeah. Finding the dentist for them. And then they would eat the popcorn and the popcorn would get caught in their lung braces. Yeah. I tried a dare style program. Oh, okay. Chalk.

Because you want to do the four letters. You mean dare, dare to keep your children off drugs. That's not what dare stands for, is it? D-T-K-E-C. Right, but I always see D.A.R.E. To keep your kids off drugs. So it's probably like drugs are really bad? No, darb. Drugs are really... Drugs are really ew. Drugs are really ew. We tried that called chalk.

What's Chok? C-H-O-K. Okay. Okay. Almost Chok. You don't want to do five. Have you seen five letters? It doesn't work. We can't even remember what the four for dare are. Yeah, so V with ones, children of Choking, and we had...

We had a Smokey the Bear style. Chokey the Bear? It was not Chokey the Bear. We should have gone with Chokey the Bear. But it was William the Wrong Pipe Dolphin. And that was, he didn't really take off. You know, he would give a short speech, choke, and then we would just turn the lights off. He'd give a short speech? What's the speech he's giving?

about food safety or is this just about politics or what kind of speech we would let him do whatever it was a lot of times politics okay he was pretty angry also about the libertarian yeah he was like just stop let people do what they want if they want to do drugs all day let him die you know so okay a hardliner yeah he was pretty incensed but luckily he would show

And this was a planned choking, but a real one. Yeah, well, weirdly, we were like, and then you choke, and he just did. Right. But yeah, he would choke. It's hard to choke on command. It's so hard. Not if the fish is big enough. Yeah. And they're eating whole fish. Yeah, he would throw down a couple of whole fish from the bucket. Sure, from the bucket. Yeah, from the bucket. Of course, we've all fed dolphins. I'm...

I love feeding dolphin with a whole bucket. Yeah, exactly. It's fun, right? I mean, that's the thing. It's like, what other types of food other than KFC comes in a bucket? Bucket. Yeah. Very few. Fish for dolphins and chicken for humans. Yeah. I'm trying to say nothing else. So this was unsuccessful mainly because of the Smokey the Bear style. What was his name again?

William the wrong pipe doll. Okay. And then I did a hell house. Remember this? I remember the hell houses. They were like haunted houses, but Christian. Yeah, there would be like two kids and one bad and one good, and there'd be storylines. And then one of the kids would... Both of the kids would choke and die. And then one of them would go to heaven and one of them go to hell. Wait, so it was not prevented, the choking and dying? No, no, no. It was just like...

It was to show what happens if you choke. But why would he go to... If he didn't save him, why would he go to heaven? One would go to heaven and one would go to hell due to... Well, you wanted to have a message. Sure. And I was doing it... I needed the churches. And they were like, how does this do with God? And I was like, I'm just trying to get the word out on choking. And they're like, well, we're trying to get the word out on eternal judgment. What were the sins that the bad little boy did? Oh, fingerings. Psst.

That's a sin? Bullying's bad, I guess. Bullying, fingerings, drinking, doing drugs. Why is fingering the first one? It's just like the initial, like, before you start doing drugs, you start doing the fingerings. Oh, it's a gateway to drugs. Seems like a cool guy. What did the other loser do? The other dead loser.

The one that went to hell fingered nobody. Oh. So the fingering guy actually went to hell. Oh, wow. Plot twist. Wow. So this is, but it all didn't work. I understand why the church just didn't like it. Yeah. I just, and I, like I said, I sold my royalties. So I, and I've, my wife left me. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm not doing well. Despite my fun tone. Yeah. I'm,

not doing well. You have a, I've spoken to you probably five times at this point, and you have a fun tone regardless. Fun tone? Even when talking about it. The voice doesn't match the bit. Yes. That's the emotion. Yes, exactly. But my wife left me for the person who invented CPR. Oh, no. Yes. I'm so sorry. Was it the Bee Gees who invented CPR because of the, the uh, uh, uh, uh?

They're like, here's a fun way to know how to do it. Sing our song. So your wife left you for Robin Gibb. Yes. Yes. Who's passed away now. Yes. His corpse. My condolences, first of all. I mean, like, a famous corpse is better than a broke, alive man. I've always said that. You've said this. Yes. And I spent all my money...

After this. All the ASCAP money is gone? All the ASCAP money is gone. I had a huge bar built in my house in the shape of a clogged esophagus, which cost me so much money. Was the bar the clog in the esophagus? Yeah, you got it. So the room is the esophagus. I'm sorry, the room is the esophagus and the bar is the baggage. And the bar is the clog, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had a custom Cadillac built to look like the shape of a small piece of shoe sheath.

I'm struggling. You're reading this and you're struggling.

Again, Henry, I think the problem is you're trying to give us eye contact instead of just looking at your notes. I know, but I try to go back and forth. I want to connect. I wrote down the things that my life has been ruined by. You're reading from your diary. Yes. If I may ask, you said you had a custom Cadillac. Does that look like a small piece of sushi? Built to look like a small piece of sushi stuck in a throat. Okay, that's where I'm wondering. Is the Cadillac the throat and like...

the driver looks like a small piece of sushi. Yeah, what is, who's, where's the sushi? From whatever angle you're in. Okay. Yes. I dress like a small piece of sushi from inside the car. Oh, okay. So any angle you look at it, it looks like this. It looks like this. People come by, they comment on this. They know exactly what it is. Even an aerial view from like a helicopter. Aerial view, look.

But then if you go a little bit, you know, the chameleon cars that change color, then the car is a piece of sushi. You know the chameleon cars that change color? I don't think I've heard of those. Yes, they were like early 2000s sort of like. We were all driving these in the early 2000s. It looks almost like chrome but purple but green but blue. Yeah.

I don't know. It was the Roy G. Biv card. Yeah, it was really cool. But I actually, I got it stuck in a tunnel on the way here. What? Yeah, I had to... That's ironic. It is. I know. My life is irony.

It really is. Do you agree, Henry? And I brought this up on a previous show with Stephanie Shue and Shue and Shaw, of course, Sasha Mamet. A hot dog is the only food stuff that's in the shape of a throat. So people shouldn't eat them because they will get stuck there.

I can't believe I wasn't on that episode. I know. We were all saying, like, Henry should be here. It's perfect. They made them perfect. They're exactly like this. It's almost like someone made a mold out of someone's throat and said, let's make a hot dog out of it. Yeah, that's how my daughter died. Oh, that's right. You have dead family members.

But wait, there's two dead? We talked about this on a previous show. I think we did. Did you invent it because of that or you had already invented it? I can't remember. I was almost there. Yeah.

So it wasn't like, I will fix this problem. It was just you were one step away. Yeah, I was so close. And I tried chopping, slapping, hitting, pushing. They were hurt from that too. There's been a lot of arguments that that's what did it. Oh my God. Yeah.

If I just had the squeeze, I could have done it. Yeah, what are the steps again? It's sneak. You sneak. Because you want them to be surprised.

Because, you know, if they say when you get in a car accident, don't tense up. Yeah. It's the same. If he's all out of a building, just go limp. Exactly. You want to sneak up. Because if they see you coming, they're like, here comes strong guy doing Heimlich. Right. So you need to sneak behind them. What's the Q? What's the what? Wait, what's the acronym?

Of chalk? We just skipped over chalk. Oh, that's just choke. That's just short for choke. I mean, children heed.

Otherwise killed. Okay. Children heat, otherwise killed. Yes. I think that's what it stands for. Or just choke. Or just choke. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it's been a devastating life. I am so sorry, Henry. It's been a devastating life. Despite my fun tone, it's been really tough. These are tough times for you. Yeah. I've been sneaking into the Soylent factory and adding little hunks of beef.

To increase choking. But why? Because I want to be known again. But everyone knows you. Everyone knows you. Yeah, we talk about it all the time. At least you have fame. You talk about me all the time? Yeah. There's also no other rival out there. No one's like, oh, he's choking. Use the Anderson. It's like, you own it. You're the only guy. You're the guy. And there aren't really any other maneuvers that are named after you. There are diseases. There's Lou Gehrig's disease. Right. But I mean, you're the only guy with a maneuver. Motherfucker.

Are you all right? I get mad at Lou. And Lou Gehrig. Oh, come on. I know, but it's in my nature to be mad. To be jealous of someone just because they attach their name to a famous thing? Yes, yes. Cedars. Sinai.

Who the hell is that? Well, I mean, I think it's the Sinai Desert probably. I don't want to say. I mean, it's the Sinai family. Oh, fuck them. What about the Crypto.com Arena? Do you get mad at that? Yes. Yes. I don't like it. Anything that has a name, you're like, no, fuck them. So little babies when someone gives them a name? Yeah.

No. If they become famous for a medical procedure, maybe. Or they own a building. Possibly. I just don't understand how we had thousands of years of humanity and at no point before, what, 1980? No one went like, oh, he is jokey. No one figured out the, oh, you know what? If you blow one end of a straw, it gets the peanut out. Yeah.

Yes. But that was also one that you try to blow into the straw and you get it out of your throat. Yeah. Push it down further. Push it down further. Hand on throat, push into stomach. Was hard. That was hard. Impossible. Yeah. But I'm happy to be here because... I'm so glad. And I'm happy to be here with Ike because I have... I need money. Yes.

So I want to pitch television shows. Oh, okay. Yeah. Maybe you'll get some tips out of this. Yeah. So I'm just like, I think it could be good. My story, you know, Dr. Heimlich. Is it like a drama based on your life or is it like a reality show like Dr. Pimple Popper? Well,

Well, I think I could do a lot of different things. People come to his office in case they're choking. My son's choking. Can he come see you next Thursday? Sure, we'll get the cameras. Yeah, we're pretty booked up next Thursday. Please. He doesn't have much time. Is he willing to...

To appear on my social media? Yes. Okay, so maybe now we're talking. But yeah, I had like a, maybe like you could do a medical doctor show, drama. Like House. Yeah, yeah. Like House ER, The Pit. The Good Doctor. Yes, like, and call it like a, let's say like Hospital MD. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Hospital, comma, MD. Yes. And this follows Dr. Henry Heimlich as he becomes the medical director of one of the oldest American public hospitals, aiming to reform the neglected facility by tearing up its bureaucracy, mostly by union busting and making nurses walk off-site to their parking. Do we like...

I like, I wouldn't put the comma in the title because the comma implies that it's doctor, hospital, MD. So I would just, I would just. I don't, I'm not tied to the name. No, you're not. I actually think it works. There's actually a new show right now. Seriously. On CBS called FBI colon CIA. Yes. See? So you're just like.

Add a bunch of things. Yeah. Maybe. Put the word syringe in there. I don't give a fuck. Dr. Hospital. Colon. Syringe. Maybe. What are you watching it out? Tonight. Why do you want to bust up the union? Well, you got to get rid of the red tape. It's bullshit. Okay. So you can quick.

solve people's problems. Does Henry's character merely administer the Heimlich or does he do other medical procedures as well? He's doing it all.

He's the guy. Or is he an administration guy? Well, he's mostly like doing off-site parking. Okay. Making sure, you know, no one organizes. Keeping people from talking in the break room. I will say, it seems like this character is less interested about saving lives and more about being punitive towards the nurses.

Okay, I'm not tied to this. Is there an episode, like a flashback episode, where we figure out why he's upset about the nurses? Yeah, yeah. You go to his childhood, his father, pretty conservative, yelling about unions and stuff. But the nurses, why does he have a thing against the nurses? He doesn't like those clothes.

Let me ask you a question. Let's say I'm an executive and I do like this idea. Who ideally would you have playing doctor, hospital, MD, colon, syringe? Me? You want to be the actor? I would like to.

I'm worried about your fun tone during such a serious show. As have you ever acted before ever? No, but I feel like I'm fun and good on camera. Why do you think you're good on camera? Because you're an elderly gentleman. Yeah. And I was thinking this could be something for like, oh God, I don't know, Brad Garrett. Sure. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. I love him, but it's got to be me. Yeah.

It's fine. If you don't want me, I have a different show. Okay. I have a different show. Oak is even more forceful than NSYNC. It's got to be me. It's got to be me.

It's gotta be me. Oh, you sing too? Okay, you didn't say that. Okay, all right, okay. This is like a Manny Patinkin kind of like, what was his medical show where he sings while he operates? Chicago Hope. Chicago Hope, yes. So this one is called Obstruction Island. Okay. Okay, a Love Island type show where hot single men and things they could choke on live in a house together and try to figure out who was meant to choke on what.

Who was meant to choke on what? By fate? Yes. They hang out. They canoodle. You show, you know, people choking on things at the pool. And other people are like, I was supposed to choke on that. I thought we were having good chemistry. Henry, I'm worried you're still on your first page. No, this is...

That might be the best one. That might be the best one. Maybe. What if they don't choke? What if no one chokes? What if the food is all papaya? We cancel it. We just cancel it. What about all of the sunk costs? Oh, we start yelling at them about, you know. Trying to startle them into choking? Be like, don't be nurses. Don't do that.

You know, maybe we go more hospital MD syringe, was it? On the island? Okay, okay. I don't know. Yeah, I think it's a tough sell. Okay, fine. How about this show? Masked Asphyxiator. The Masked Asphyxiator. A little hard to say. Yeah, it's tough. But famous people dressed in costumes hiding their identities and celebrity judges have to eat the score they gave them and hopefully not choke. That's not what I thought it was going to be.

So I have to eat the score that they gave them. Yes. Eat what in the score? The weight in almonds or the actual number, the number they have to hold up the number and then eat it. Ken Jeong and Dennis Robin almost died. Oh, okay. Okay. So, so just, okay. If we're using the mask singer as a template. So, so there's a, there's someone on stage who's not masked.

It's just like Terry Bradshaw is on stage doing something. But masked. Yes, but masked. He is masked. But he's incidental to the choking. The choking happens. And the choking happens to the host. To the host, yeah. So Terry Bradshaw's up.

Is he singing? What's he doing? Singing, just like the show. Just like the show. Oh, okay. So he's purely the Masked Singer. Is that Terry? It's purely the Masked Singer, but the host joke. So then Dr. Ken holds up the score, which I don't even know if they do that. Yeah. And let's say he gives him 8.6. I don't think they score people on the show. I don't think they do either. I think it's like an X or something. Are you going to do the show, Ike? The Masked Singer? Yeah. I can't talk about it, because if I am, I would be masked. Okay. So I can't talk about it. Okay. Well, maybe not, Zen. Maybe this is just...

They don't give them tens? Yeah, I think they just kind of say like that was cool. I guess that would make sense because the whole thing is just like, who is this? Who's underneath it? Yeah. Maybe they do score them? I don't know. It's been a minute since I've seen it. They should just give them a little score. It's fun. Yeah. You know, that was good, Terry. So then Dr. Ken holds up an 8.5. Exactly. Made of? Paper. Oh, well, he would choke on that, I guess. There you go. Cracker. You're very concerned about crackers.

A singular cracker. Do you have more shows? I just have one more. You have one more. Okay, this is Friday Night Exertion. Okay. So a coach in a small town Texas. I didn't even write it right. A coach in a small town Texas. Where Friday night football is king.

His team has a losing record, but he brings them all the way to the state championship after they let the quarterback of the other team choke on a rice cake at an awards banquet. They let him do this. They don't help him. They don't intervene.

They just see it and they stay put. And the coach is like, don't help. Because this Friday night. Don't help. Because Friday night we'll play the game. I like this. It feels like it's more of a one-off special. Yeah. I also worry about the likability of the coach who would say, let him choke. Yeah. Right. So should he be union busting or how do we make it more likable? Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Henry, I... I'm down on my luck, despite my fun tone. I wish that they would give people shows just purely for the fact that they're down on their luck, but show business, unfortunately, doesn't work that way. It's a meritocracy, right, Ike? It absolutely is. Yes.

Yes, it's not about right place, right time. No, only the best people. Only the hardest working best people make it. That's a fact. Yes. Okay. So yeah, unfortunately, I can't get on board in any of these shows, but I think you should keep trying. Work harder and smarter. That's my advice to you because you're doing neither right now. Right.

Okay, okay. I'll come back. I will go work hard, smarter, and I will come back. Okay, yeah. This is good. I mean, I like talking to you, so... I love it here. Please do. Can I live here? Yeah. Temporarily. Temporarily.

How temporary? Just for like six or seven years. Okay, but you didn't even have me at six or seven. Even if it were days. Even if it were days? Hours? Hours. You're thinking hours. Hours. Okay, I can stay here for six to seven hours. I'm out. For this reason, I'm out. I'm so sorry. Oh, no. At least give me a score. 8.3. Oh, don't eat it. Don't eat it. Oh, come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

What did you eat? Look what's on the table. Cracker. Cracker. That says 8.4. All right. Well, we need to take a break, Henry. Can you stick around? Yes. I'm here for six, seven hours. Okay, great. I'll be here. When we come back, we're going to have a Bostonian. We are going to come right back. We'll have more Dr. Henry Heimlich, more Ike Barinholtz. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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If you went on a road trip and you didn't stop for a Big Mac or drop a crispy fry between the car seats or use your McDonald's bag as a placemat, then that wasn't a road trip. It was just a really long drive. Better participate in McDonald's. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Ike Barinholtz, a.k.a. Mr. Running Point.

is here. Uh, uh, you need people to watch, uh, this weekend, right? The, this weekend. And, and if you don't, if, if we don't hit the Netflix numbers, I'm out, you're out. I'm not moving home. Hollywood's in the rear view. Hollywood's in the rear view. I'm going back to Chicago. Uh,

That's the second city, though. It is the second city, but I'll be working in the stockyards with my dad. Wait, I thought your dad was the judge on... Jury duty. He had a new show that didn't work out. They sent him back to the stockyards. They sent him back to the stockyards. I know what some people say. Oh, the stockyards aren't there anymore. There's still a couple stockyards. Times are tough. It's rough. People are getting all their meat from other countries. Speaking of which, times are tough. We have Dr. Henry Heimlich here. Times are tough.

but you gotta have your fun tone. You gotta keep your fun tone. Yeah, it's true. I, I, you have to keep the fun tone. You have to. And I know what you do at stockyards. I know what those are. Even.

And I know they're tough. And you're going to be toiling there. It's hard. But you have to keep your fun tone. I will remember that. It's tough living, but I will try to keep that in mind. Well, let's get to our next guest. This is very exciting. I've never spoken to a Bostonian before, I think. Ever? Ever. No. Yeah, I don't think so. Chris Evans? No, never had a conversation with Chris. He's the only one. Marky Mark, I think. Oh, Marky Mark, Mark Wahlberg, Donnie Wahlberg, Wahlberger's brother. Yeah, I've never been to a Wahlberger. Oh.

I don't know. So this is exciting. Please welcome... Uh-oh. What is your name? Louie Pantano. Louie. Scott, you don't remember me? No. We did comedy together. We started out together. Louie Pantano? Yeah, Pantano. You remember me. Pantano.

You remember me. Oh, okay. Sure. Sure. Finally, long time coming. Yeah. I could just see you again, too. Yeah, yeah. I think we... Did we work together? Yeah, we were on a Herald team at the Improv-Olympics together. Do you not remember? You know what? It was a long time ago. Yeah. But I do. I can't remember every single person you meet in your life. Well, you seem different.

Yeah, you, I mean... Like, you don't... You look very distinctive. Yeah. I mean, I'm a seagull. Is that what you're referring to? Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to say in case you didn't want any of that. No, no. Are you going to eat that, by the way?

What? I mean... Be careful. Be careful. Shouldn't have dropped it on the ground. Also, he didn't say yes. That's fine. Heming and hawing. Scott Hockerman, I'm so happy for you. You too. Wow. Show business. You guys are thriving. So happy for you. Oh my God. So great to see you again. Yeah. I don't recall all the details. Right. You and I opened for Bill Burr for a summer.

For a whole summer. Yeah, we traveled New England. You remember? Yeah. I didn't even know you were like a big stand-up in Boston. Oh, I was huge. Yeah. Yeah. I turned my back on it. He dabbled. Yeah. I was a huge dabbler. Mm-hmm.

But I achieved the kind of success that, you know, huge stand-ups achieve. Sure. But just by dabbling. If I had just really set my mind to it, I would just think of the things I could have achieved. This is Dr. Henry Heimlich, by the way. Hello, how are you? Yeah. That was amazing how you took down that sandwich. Yeah, I was... Just neck back, kind of gulping it down. Three bites. Unbelievable. Thank you. Wow. Neck back, ass up. That's the way I like to snack.

ass up neck back that's the way i like to snack you have to look nasty when you're eating is this a shirt is this a t-shirt this could be good on the back it says you have to look nasty while you're eating can i have some of the proceeds please all right scott look at you now huh 40 million dollar house in the hollywood hills look at you i mean that was the that was the list price yeah we had to go over a bit because it was a competitive situation yeah but

Which room did Phil Spector shoot that lady in? I think all of them. Oh, yeah. He got off shots in every room, they told me. I don't know. But, Scott, did you get my emails? I did. When you were making Between Two Ferns, I think I emailed you like 4,000 or 5,000 times. Oh, I don't know. I probably switched my email address. What did you want to email me about? I don't know. I was just thinking I thought maybe you could help me break into the industry. Oh, yeah. I mean, there was a seagull.

part in that, but then on the day we couldn't find it. And then you gave it to Zach Galifianakis? Yeah. Unbelievable. That's how that happened? On the day Zach showed up and I was like, you know what? He's a movie star. It fit him perfectly. I mean, really. Wow. Yeah. And like you...

blocked my number? No, no, no, no, no. What happened is I switched to T-Mobile. Oh, you're one of the thousands that have switched to T-Mobile. Weird switch. Yeah, I got out of Verizon and I went back to T-Mobile. I got a sidekick. So that's what it is. Who's your sidekick?

There's somebody out there in that motorcycle. Yeah. Sitting there. It's like a tandem motorcycle that I saw. That's my friend, Loop. Loop? Yeah, I hired him. Named after Chicago's Loop? Yeah.

He's my buddy from high school. He's a real Chicago guy. Yeah, that's cool. His name is Loop Deep Dish. And he kind of travels everywhere with me. So anyways. Oh, yeah. So you still take care of your friend from the past. That's cool. Well, we really went a little bit deeper, me and him, than me and you. And I want to apologize. Him and I, we switched to T-Mobile. So all my old... I have not gotten a text message from anyone in weeks. I don't believe that for a second. Are you...

Are you still working or what are you doing? Trying, Scott. Well, I wanted to be one of Mindy's love interests on the Mindy Project and didn't hear back from Ike. No, I remember. And I want you to know I pitched it to Mindy. I did, I swear. And she said to me, she's like, I like this idea, but I just, I don't want to, I'm going to get her in trouble. Yeah. She said she didn't want to do a love scene with the bird. What? What?

I know it's kind of humanist. Wow. Yeah. Wow, Mindy, my God. You know, comedy's changed so much. Yeah. Yeah. But there aren't a lot of parts for birds out there, unfortunately, you know? I mean, what was the last bird project you can think of? The Birdman of Alcatraz. That was a while back. The birds. The birds. Birdman. That would have been a great one. Oh, Birdman. I went out for that. Right.

It's just not many parts for loud beach birds. Yeah, that is true. You want like a hawk, something that lives in the park. That's a limiting belief. I could go inland. Yeah, you're just like eating trash down near the sea. It's just like, I don't know. Okay, you're telling me you've never eaten a french fry out of a woman's mouth? You think you're better than me? Listen, I always try. To make sure they don't choke. Of course, I'm getting it. I'm not kissing. My God. Be careful. Well, everyone here thinks they're better than me. They live

Hollywood now and they drive the big fancy cars and they oh my god fuck you sorry are you gonna have that are you gonna eat that oh all right that's a no i'm on a one meal a day diet that was my one meal so louis i the other issue was you know you were constantly shitting on everyone yeah oh my god and so were you scott you know you're me embarrassing you you tore up that tostino's audition you went out for

The commercial? You shit all over the room. Yeah, you shit all over everyone. In the dip. And people don't want a commercial where it's like, you know, you eat a Tostino and then you shit everywhere. It's just negative connotations. It had nothing to do with your read or anything. It was just literally like the white shit you were shooting all over people. Yeah. I know we're looking for more diversity in Hollywood, but I don't know that that extends to birds. Different species. Oh, I get it. You guys are jealous. You were always jealous of me back in the day. Sharna Helpburn liked me better than she liked you.

Well, I mean, you know, listen, Sharna loves animals, but I have a great relationship with her. She's a friend and I don't, I don't, I understand you are holding on to some emotion because you might not have gotten to where you want to be in this business. And I understand that. I was the star in our Herald team, by the way. I was the one that everyone thought that I would get SNL.

And two of Sharna's dogs were on that team and I was still the star of that team. I was on an improv team with lots of animals. I was sort of like a Dr. Doolittle a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were a stage hog though. You did all the first beats. Yeah, I did. Every one. You were in every scene. Don't say she was a hog.

There was a hog on the team, but we wouldn't let her talk. Also, sometimes you would just, you would just kind of fly off stage and fly into like the control room and sit in there for a little bit and you'd come back and it was just a little, it was kind of like on your schedule. Sometimes you'd show up with like a condom you swallowed on the beach. Oh yeah, that was awesome. I knew how to party. I was in my 20s.

I mean, it's true. I can't argue with that. You and I used to sit on the beach in Chicago, Foster Beach. We would stay up all night, and you and I would eat condoms until the sunrise. That happened like once or twice. It wasn't a thing we always did. We always did that. Usually we eat them sometimes. I mean, once in a while. I choked on one a while back, and it scared me away. Reading that Running Point has a scene where every character eats a condom? That was the episode I wrote. That's 103. Okay.

Yeah, and I do get a bonus if that one is streamed more than the other one. Oh, okay. So folks who are listening, if you could watch 103 first. It's the third episode. Why would a lot of people watch the third episode more than every other episode? Netflix data. The characters are confused because all the basketballs are deflated and they can't play the game, so they go and eat condoms. Right. Also, Scott's been just horrible listening to you ruin the game of basketball. Flat balls and everyone's walking? Scott. Scott. Scott. Scott.

I think it would be exciting. Scott, my God. You used to say I was the best friend you ever had. And now you're hanging out with Jon Hamm and Adam Scott and all these fancy people. I mean, they're humans, though. We have more in common. Wow. Let's face it. They're bros. It's the bro code. I'm a bro? We didn't have that, Louie. Oh, my God. I can hang with the best of them.

Guys before goals is what I say. Yes, guys before goals. All right, whatever. I see you out about in Hollywood with pigeons. Well, I mean, they're just on the streets following me around. And they have a big following online, most of these pigeons. So when you get in the pitches with them, you can get like some followers. When I go on Wire Image, I'm just like penguin, pigeon, pigeon, penguin. You also keep carrier pigeons on your roof, you were telling.

I do. I was very inspired by Mike Tyson. Yes. And so I recently purchased about 30,000 pigeons. 30,000. That's a big. Yeah. My neighbors are furious. The neighborhood is just blanketed. Are you going to eat that? Can I smoke in here?

you know what I'm doing it okay yeah go ahead do whatever you want look I'm sorry we you know in show business it's not a race necessarily and the destination sometimes you don't even know what it is what the finish line is necessarily for Ike it might be running point you know it might be the finish line for him you just burst through the tape and that's it that's it can either of you get me a job that's sort of why I'm here

Oh, really? Do you live in Boston still or are you living out here? Yeah, I got a place in Marshfield. It's a dumpster. Okay. So I'm in South Boston area. But I come out here from time to time. I always do tell people who are looking to get in show business, I say, you have to live here. It's very difficult to not. Well, if I have a show out here, I do stand up in the parking lot of Red Lobster. Of Red Lobster? Yeah, sort of whatever. There's a lot of good...

trash there. Yeah, you're telling me. I do love Red Lobster. I love the cheddar biscuits. That's a reason enough to go. You often take your wife's ass down to Red Lobster, right? Just her ass or her whole self? You've got to take her ass to Red Lobster.

All right, give me a part on Running Point. I can do it. Can you host? We shot it. Can I host? Can you host? Oh, yeah, I could host. I have a show you could maybe host. Oh, my gosh, yeah. Can you switch some of your show ideas? Yeah. This one's called Say Yes to the Choke, and it's women pick dresses to eat and choke on. Oh, okay. So maybe- And then they say, is this your choke? Yes. And then she goes, I think this is your choke. Am I choked? Well, that's pretty good. Scott, will you produce it, please? Scott, money, please. I-

I think Ike is really the guy. I mean, he has a show on the air right now. Not yet. If they hear this, they might not air it. If I say yes to this, they'll retroactively cancel Running Point. That's a good point. They're going to be like, oh man, this guy, we thought he was a TV guy. He's not. He's a jokester. Yeah. He's producing a show with a

Goddamn bird Yeah I don't know I mean Do you have any bird ideas Henry? Yeah there was a way To have an idea Henry That still had a little Choking in it But was a little more Birds I don't have a bird idea But I have one that Takes place outdoors Okay There are lots of birds There These guys Have heard of Dawson's Creek Oh I love Dawson's Creek Pacey Joey Like a reboot Peter Gabriel He was in one episode Yeah

And the show was based on his teenage years, of course. So this show is based on my teen years, and it's called Squeezer's Drainage Basin. And it follows a teen heartthrob based on me named Squeezer, and every episode ends in him getting a handjob next to a drainage basin.

that gets interrupted by him giving someone the Heimlich maneuver. - Who? The person he's masturbating with? - The handjob is interrupting? - I'm gonna say something earnest. This is my favorite idea choice. - This one might be good. This one might be good. - So real quick, I'm painting it so the character is-- - Squeezer. - Squeezer's getting a handjob.

Is the person who's doing it, they start choking or does he see someone like eating a sandwich nearby? It's always someone off nearby. So he's getting a very public hand job. He's getting an H.J. And it's, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, it's in like the mud next to the drainage basin. Right. And I'm good at hand jobs. Good, not great. I got wings. It's more of a claw job. Yeah. I use my wings, not my claws. Oh, you use your wings instead? Of course. That would be so violent. Just a bird batting its wings on your penis.

Okay, don't knock until you try it. But maybe it could be a bird who's just flying. At the I.O. holiday party, we did something. Don't lie to them. That was a long time ago. Don't lie to them. My God. There's always a bird flying around anytime you get an outdoor handjob, though. Yes. I think that's the best use for you. Oh, we're always watching. I think the best use is just like whatever scene's happening, just a bird flies past. You're across.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You're a good cross. A background cross. A background cross, which makes, it's important because it makes the action look real. Yeah, you want the drainage basin to look real. I don't know. I feel like I'm more of a leading man type. Why did everyone make the same noise? Yeah, I would love to. All right, let's see your penis. We're showing. We're showing. It's out. Weirdly enough, that is the first time that has been said on this show, I think.

Wow. So then you have to find an actor who's going to masturbate a seagull. A seagull, yeah. I don't know. Oh, you think an actor won't do that? Oh, please. I guess some actors would. I guess some actors would. Fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, I'm in. I'm in. I'm listening. I'm listening. Don't try to sabotage my career again. Again? You've been doing this since you were 21 years old. No. I slept over your house the night before my big Second City audition in...

And my alarm mysteriously didn't go off. Wait, you think I did not want you to get hired by Second City? I know that you didn't want me to get hired. Why? I never was hired by- We're the same type. We're the same type. Nevertheless- You're wearing a white shirt. He's a white bird. I guess so. Penises look similar. That is true. All right. Okay. All right. Maybe you're right. He told us to all take them out, right? We all have them out. If you're going to record a pod, you got to drop it out. Sure. Yeah. That's what bros do. I don't know.

If I got in your way at all, I apologize. I don't think you should blame me for where you're at. Well, I don't know about that. You could ask us 20 years ago who would be eating garbage in the Red Lobster parking lot in Burbank. We would have all said I. Fair, fair, fair. Okay, that is fair, but I still don't think that, yeah, I think there's other reasons why it hasn't popped for you yet. Yeah, I mean, at least I was always supportive of you, you know? You didn't even remember we had met, Steve.

Now that I remember, I was... Look, I see a lot of birds. And he means it like Austin Powers. You're groovy, baby. Do you fancy a shag? Oh, brother. You know, I think

You guys were like, we'll never see that seagull again. So you've been stealing my jokes and my bits and my show ideas. What idea have I stolen from you? Tell me, who is David's original writing partner? David Stassin's original writing partner? Who was it? And they're here in the room right now. And it's me. So Dave Stassin. So if I call Dave Stassin. Call him right now. Do you mind? Is this weird? Yeah, no, go ahead and call Dave Stassin.

It's ringing. Call Fuckface. I used to call him that. He used to love it when I called him that. Hey, Dave? Yep. It's Ike Barinholtz. Go for Dave. Davey baby here. Ike, Ike, Ike. What's happening, brother? That's your writing partner? How are you, man? Doing good, bud.

Time's a ticket. You said he knows a lot about, you both know a lot about basketball, right? Is he like watching it right now? Yeah, I got basketball on. I don't have a lot of time. Listen, I'm just real quick question. Did you, before we wrote together. Quicker, quicker. Did you ever write with Louie? He's a seagull. Louie the seagull? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I wrote a couple of things, but he just kept on eating the paper. Okay. And this was before you and I met? Yeah, this was like an hour before you and I met.

All right, okay. And then you walked in and you said, you looked at everything I'd written down that wasn't eaten by the seagull and you said, oh, I own half of this now. Weed written down, my God. You're the best. I'm sorry to bother you, brother. Love you, baby. Love you, man. I'll talk to you soon. What did he say about me? He said he's never heard of you. And you're a frigging liar. Oh, classic. No, he said he... That guy sounded cool.

He did. He sounded a little bit like Dennis Miller, babe. Cool. You know what? The two of you are fair-weathered friends. When I choked on that human bone at the beach when I was in the hospital for three months, neither of you came to visit me. Where were you?

I was still dealing with throat bugs. I was knee deep in the bad one bug. Yeah. Well, look, you know, they don't let just anyone into a hospital, you know? That is true. Plus, it was a veterinarian. Yeah, so? You know, they don't just let any random people come in and look at a bird that the vet is treating. No, that's not how it works. And also, most vets don't treat

I've never seen a seagull at the vet's office. Yeah. Wow. And I think even birds, I think they have to go to special places. Is there a special doctor for birds? I think there's a special doctor for birds. So if you were a vet, you would turn your nose up at a bird? I think I would. We don't do these. We don't do it. It's all the same guts inside. I don't think it is. I think it's like avian bones. Different guts? I think they have different guts. They have avian guts. It's the cloaca. It is the cloaca. I found out yesterday that birds don't fart. None of them.

How did you find this out? Because you tried and it didn't work? I tried. I don't know if that means none of them do. You just might have a weird... You might have a blockage. I tried all day. By the way, Henry, have you tried a blockage on the other end? Yeah, you can do that. It works both ways. So if you push just instead of going up, you push down. And a turd shoots out. And you sneak up. And then you just and you can get it out.

All right. Well, show me. Okay. Come over here. Okay. Do a handstand. Wait. They always have to come to you? Go to him. Why would you have them turn upside down? Isn't gravity your friend if it's already pointing down? No. You want it up and out so people can go there. Whoa. I'm joking. I'm joking. Do it quick. Look at that. It worked. It flew across the room. He's joking. Lou is joking. Is it working? I can't quite tell. He's screaming. They're in flight.

Oh, my sandwich from earlier. Thanks. Are you going to eat that? I am. Do you mind if I eat this? Oh, my God. Oh, no. I'm going to hide under this chair. Tiptoe. Tiptoe. Let him die. I can steal his wife's career. Okay, gotcha. Hup.

Oh, you farted. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Why were you upside down? Must be nice. I don't know. I panicked. You can't be upside down. I panicked. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Scott, can you please delete this out of the podcast? He's a showrunner and he can fart. Brag, brag, brag, brag, brag. I was not the showrunner, but I can't fart.

Well, I'm so sorry, Louie. Oh my God, Scott. We spent a whole summer together. You don't remember? The two of you and Bill Burr. Yeah. Pete Holmes joined us for a little while for a couple of the CDs. This was the best summer of my life. It was the best summer of my life. Pete, Bill, and me, and you. Yeah, we were in Newport.

Newport, Rhode Island eating lobster rolls and doing comedy. Best time of our lives. I loved it. But those days are long. I mean, look, life is so different now. I have a different career. I have a family. You know, it's just people sometimes people and birds grow apart. Okay. Yeah, I see how it is. Don't be so resentful. Wow. No, it's nice. I'm happy for you guys. Rich, powerful. Yeah, rich, powerful. Yeah. Can I tell you the good news?

We are now in an era where there's no gatekeepers. Yes. Where you can do whatever you want. If you have an iPhone or a T-Mobile sidekick. So I guess the gatekeepers are like the big tech companies who create the phones. Obviously. You guys just told me there's no parts for birds. Well, no. They're not in the human mind. In the human head. But you can create your own parts.

A hundred and fifty years ago, there were no movies with humans. And then a human said, let's make a movie. You can be that for birds, but you've got to do it yourself. No, I feel like I'm good enough that things should be handed to me.

I mean, that's how I felt. People should be coming to me. People should be coming. If I was the funniest person on my Herald team in Chicago in 1998, then people should be coming to me. Is that when you were in Chicago? I was there. I remember we were there together. I was on a Herald team. I believe it was called Genealogy. But listen, I...

That is neither here nor there. I think you have to do this yourself. It's harder for birds. I'm so sorry. I mean, we have, you know, look, Ike and I have failed upwards in our career. Like, I started on MADtv. Yeah. And now look at him. You know? And so it's like... Could you get me on MADtv? I started at the top. Ha ha ha ha!

I'll tell you what. I will get you an audition for Matt TV. Fantastic. Done deal. You're going to have to do three characters, three impressions. This is the second reboot? This is the third reboot. Third reboot. There's already been two reboots? So one-time event. Oh, yes. That was the precursor to the two-night event, was it not? You know what? I only trust Dr. Heimlich. He is creating content over there. I'm going to hitch my wagon to him. Okay. Be on one of his TV shows.

I do have a show. I do have a show for you. It's called The Heimlich Files. The Heimlich Files? Yes. Like the Rockford Files? Or like the X-Files? It's similar to the X-Files. X-Files. X-Files. X-Files. Yeah, so a show where detectives investigate paranormal choking phenomena, spooky cases of aliens who have choked on things. And I shouldn't have done this one because the other one was better. No, I think I...

I could make a meal out of that. It's so tempting. I should have got out when I had the chance. Or you should have reordered these. Yeah. Sexual tension with my beautiful partner on that show. You can. Ah. Do you go for other birds? Yeah, what's your vibe? Human women. Oh. Just like you guys. I know.

Yeah. Sure. Totally, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. That's my type exactly. A human woman. All right. And he thinks the Scott protests too much. So I'd have hit a nerve there. Didn't mean to do that. Hey, if you're a reflexologist, that's exactly what you want to do. Hit nerves.

So you're right there. All right. I'll forgive you guys. Just hand me your phones. I'm going to take all the famous people's numbers. I'm going to write them down, and then we'll consider it. All right. All right. Here you go. Take my phone. Kevin Spacey. Boom. Space high. Space high. There's a lot of numbers for that one. Use the Italy one. Yeah. Well, guys, we are running out of time, unfortunately. We really only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs. Plugs.

Oh yeah. That was plug one another by Chris gray. We're Wilf. Uh,

Puss in butt. Yeah, puss in butt. Guys, what do we plug in? Ike, obviously, Running Point is on Netflix this Thursday. Yes, that's the one. If you don't watch it, I'm dead. And people who want to catch up with your earlier work just to, like, maybe they marathon everything you've ever done. Oh. And then suddenly leading up to Thursday, whatever. Then they get committed to an insane asylum.

I mean, the Mindy Project is out there. I'm sure that's a fun one. Blockers. Blockers is out there. Neighbors. Neighbors 2, Sorority Rising. Oh, there's a movie I did a couple years ago directed by Dave Stassen called Maximum Truth. It's very funny. And it's about right-wing assholes. What about the movie where everyone like you and Tiffany Haddish and I went to the premiere? The After Party. No, no, no, no. Oh, the movie. That you'd.

That I directed. Yeah, the Oath that's out there. It's happening now in the country, so it's good. You can watch it. Yeah, and the after party is great. What a body of... What a body. What a breath. What a body, I just wanted to tell you. Thank you. Personally. I know I text it to you all the time. I've been flexing for 90 minutes the first time you said anything.

Henry Heimlich, what do you want to plug? Well, you know, I'm trying to sell my house. I need to liquidate my house. You know, it's got a swimming pool that was built in the shape of a pretzel bite being ejected from someone's throat across a crowded restaurant. How does the restaurant...

signify that when you see it from above you're gonna know that's a big pool also watch running point february 27th it drops or 26 at 11 59 yeah like that yeah yeah so get up p if you like us you gotta piss

Gotta go piss. You gotta go piss. So everyone piss before you watch this show. Thank you for plugging the show, Doctor. Binge it. Binge it. Go all the way through. Because you don't want to be in the middle of it and suddenly you gotta piss and you gotta turn it off and then you may forget to ever come back. Oh yeah, don't pee. Around episode five you'll need to. Don't. Or do what I do when I watch every show. Wear a diaper. That's right. Boom. Dipe. Dipe it up. Dipe it up. Right into the binge. Running Point is the first dipe show. You gotta dipe.

Got a dipe. Are you still watching or are you changing your dipe? And of course, Louis Pintano. What do you want to plug here? I have a show that I worked on called Win or Lose that is a Pixar show that comes out on Disney+. I think the first two episodes are out now. Congratulations. Thank you. That's amazing. It's the coolest. It's so good. And I think the third episode comes out this week. Oh my gosh, on Disney+. Yeah.

All right. Hey, now. Check that out. What's it called again? Win or lose. Win or? Win or lose. It follows like a middle school co-ed softball team. Because I was thinking about a winner who loses for the first time. Win or lose. Win or lose. Win or lose. That's sort of like me. Win or lose.

Winner comma lose. I'm already the best. Sounds like you're doing fine. You're on a Disney Plus cartoon. Yeah, you were complaining for a long time about having no career. And here we are plugging a show on Disney Plus. Fascinating. Interesting. You always want more. Yeah, I'm the funniest person from my Herald team. I deserve the best. When I was doing Santa with Bill Burr, you were just flying around above us shitting on us. Yeah, and it was hilarious. And I got the biggest laughs of the night. It was funny.

I want to plug head over to CBB world dot com. We have all of the past episodes of this show, all of the live episodes we ever did, including our tour last year where we did 43 shows. And we have great new shows there like CBB presents with Hey Randy. And speaking of Hey Randy, we have action figures, Randy and Carissa action figures there.

You can go to customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the U.S. address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfigureseller.com. We also have Sprague and Big Sue and tour exclusives of J.W. Stillwater and Scott Aukerman still available. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open the bedroom, just leave those hands.

All right, that was Rude Dude's Plug Tune by Blosky. I believe you might pronounce it that way. Henry, are you upset that you didn't make the new Plug Bag remixes this year? Yeah, that could have been good for me. I need it. I'm down on my luck. All right. Next time. Next time, yeah. I can do it. Yeah, you can do it. Yeah, I believe in you, Henry. Okay, thank you. I do. You've just got a fun tone to you that makes me rude for you. Thank you so much. It almost makes me think...

that you didn't murder your two children, your tone.

No, that's happening. Yeah, it sounds pretty bad. Wait, it's currently happening? Yes, I'm in litigation. We're both going to trial. Are you carpooling to the courthouse? Same courthouse that we're going. You're not going to believe it, but I'm going to be there too. What? What are you being sued for? Arson. Meaning the Palisades fire? Yeah, allegedly. That was Siegel? Allegedly. They said that was fireworks.

What the hell? And a faulty transformer, but it was really a seagull dropping firebombs on the city? Allegedly. That's going to be bad. That's bad. I don't know. All press is good press, right, guys? That's what you always say. Ask your friend Kevin Space High about this.

I'm not sure. All right. Well, I want to thank you guys so much for coming by. Ike, always great to see you. My pleasure, bud. And of course, Dr. Henry. Thank you so much. And Louie, I mean. Yeah. I got nothing for you, unfortunately. I'll eat whatever I can find on the way out. Okay. We'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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